Thank You So Much!

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Thank you so much for nominating our community here for “Best Dating Blog” at! I just discovered we’d made the “Top 5” –

I don’t know exactly what we get if we come out on top – I think mostly “bragging rights” which can be pretty “girl” if it’s about appreciating ourselves (I love helping you believe you’re “all that” because you ARE – and the same goes for me, too) and perhaps it would be good publicity.

I’ll go vote, too…and we’ll throw some sort of party if it works out that way…!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Going over now.

  2.  #2Darling Ella on February 24, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Rori, you got my vote(s) 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  3.  #3Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 10:06 am

    I can only vote at home – will do it tonight

  4.  #4Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 10:16 am

    yay Rori! Hopefully my computer will be fixed soon so I can vote.

  5.  #5Daria on February 24, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Do yall renember that one quote I
    posted about how doing somerhing…i think it was leaning forward… Will
    make him fall mire in love w himself…insteafof curious about you? What was that quote?

  6.  #6Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 10:26 am


    Thank you;) Yes, I am all that and he knows it, and he did start to withdraw the day he got me. I would not have allowed him to treat me this way once I finally realized what was going on, but I gave him the chance to reject me first. Next time I shall be way smarter!! I urgently need a new case to practice the Tools and everything I just learned about commitment phobic relationships! Can’t wait to start

  7.  #7LonePlum on February 24, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Femininewoman 401

    Femininewoman you are a genius
    I love your posts, even the big ones with no space in them lol

    Yes I had forgotten lately.
    It is something I told my daughter twice in her life. But I forget to remember it in MY life
    It is something I also remembered while reading Rori’s articles at random, when I discovered the blog. But I still forget to remember it in my life

    When a man starts something with us it is because he likes us. He would not bother with a woman he does not like.
    He does hope things will grow deeper, he wants to fall in love, as much as we do.
    Sure, he does not speak of it a long as it has not happened, that’s the difference with us, but when he feels love, he acts on it, he is happy.

    Men don’t want to start a thing with us with the purpose to break from us or to string us along. They don’t. Their intention is to find love.
    Yet they leave. Or string us along
    They felt disconnected from us
    We kept our heart shut
    We did not trust them which is equivalent to not want them.

    We used our minds, we applied on them our preconceived idea of what a relationship should be, we told them what was wrong with the relationship lol, or even with them lol but we did not enjoy the moment with them, we did not share our soul with them, our bright happy side, our dreams and sensations.
    We never introduced our little girl to them. So their little boy felt lonely and left us. Their little boy has nothing to do with our grown up woman, who looks at each of his movements with a magnifying glass…
    Their little boy does not want an affair with the old teacher, he wants a love story with the little girl.

    They felt we did not love them and we were going to leave them someday.
    So they left first.
    Why stay longer if she is going to leave anyhow? Let’s break and keep looking for the one who will love him.
    Or they string us along, they don’t commit. Why commit to a woman who does not love him. She says she does, but men know better. She would be happy if she loved him.

    She would feel in love with herself if she loved him. He would love a woman in love with herself.

    They don’t reject her, they can’t, they are the pursuer. It is impossible to pursue and jump on a prey and at the same time reject her.
    They feel rejected while they try to keep their prey caught in their paws.
    So they let their prey go, they know she wants to run; she hates being caught by them. They don’t reject her, they let her go.

    He moves on, hoping that the next prey will surrender in between his paws, happy she is to be caught by him. Surrendering, leaning back in his paws, trusting she is not in danger, there is no fight to fight, no fire to water off, time belongs to her while she voluptuously purrs, trusting his next move will be for her good.


    The only way to be rejected is to be the pursuer.




  8.  #8Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 11:18 am

    RE 7 Loneplum I just love the way you express. Thanks for the reminder.

  9.  #9Wonder Woman on February 24, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Voted. 🙂

  10.  #10Prairie Girl on February 24, 2011 at 11:30 am

    #7 Wow LP that was great!

    Oh and I posted last..again.. on the old post before I saw that there was a new one…

    Boomer!!! I posted on the last thread to you!
    Angels on your body.

  11.  #11Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Shannon, what is the soulmate list you’re doing? Is it something you can post here? Loneplum, thank you for thinking of me regarding the audios! – I don’t think my phone has enough memory for much of that though. I’m more of a visual learner anyway, and am appreciating the nuggets ppl are posting here from the audio. <3

  12.  #12Darling Ella on February 24, 2011 at 11:37 am

    LonePlum #7:

    What a beautiful post 🙂 I read it a couple of times…

    I feel sad…as if I might have missed the opportunity with my “imaginary” man…I feel doubtful…of my late reactions…maybe I am missing something…Sigh

    I often stepped back from this “imaginary ” relationship because I thought it was an act of caring and loving myself…or maybe not???

    I am not sure u followed my “drama”, but I would love u insights 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  13.  #13Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Loneplum, oh, I Love what you wrote! Love the little girl/boy stuff. I have a question about “he can’t reject you.” What if he pursued hard and everything worked great and the little girl and little boy connected … but in conversation he realized you’re not a match bc of lifestyle issues (his drinking)? In my mind, then, he rejected me. Do you have a different way of looking at that which might feel better than “rejected”? thanks!

  14.  #14Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 11:51 am

    RE 13 I have heard coaches say “we were not a match” or “we were not a good match”.

  15.  #15Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    #13 to me sounds like his fear of rejection. So he rejects you first. He knows that you will never be able to accept his drinking

  16.  #16Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Alison Armstrong

    Men and women do not have their feelings in the same part of their body.

    When women’s feelings are hurt we experience it as a physical pain in the center of our chest. Men find this shocking.

    We stream life force energy to men and it begins in the center of our chest. During heartbreak you could feel like a 747 crash land in your chest. The rage monster takes over during heartbreak and as women might think we are going crazy.

    Men have something that happen much lower below their stomachs when they are scared. They call it gut feeling. They experience happiness much higher as in their shoulder and will look puffed up across his shoulder and his chest. If he has a big happy it overwhelms his chest and flows down his arms and hands. When he is really happy he will do somethign with his arms and his hands.

  17.  #17Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Alison Armstrong

    At an instinctive level men desperately want sex and attention.

  18.  #18Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Alison Armstrong

    Men get married when they are ready and not necessarily because they are in love. One way to know their readiness is by their reaction when you bring up marriage. Men are warriors so they hide their feelings well. Their signs are subtle so we have to watch carefully. If a man says “I am open to that” it means he is attracted to you but not ready for marriage. Marriage is huge for men. It is a function of what happens in them not a function of the relationship.

    Women will tend to want to appear flexible. She tells men not to assume that women want to get married.

  19.  #19Jilly on February 24, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    LonePlum….awesome post!

    voted 🙂

    Feeling happy and peaceful right now…yay 🙂

    Hope everyone has a wonderful day…

  20.  #20Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Alison Armstrong

    Some questions to ask ourselves if we are being authentic.

    Am I willing to do this for the next 50 years? Am I willing to paint my nails, cook etc? That’s how she kept herself from strategyzing.

    Strategy – to get yourself in the most advantageous position before facing the enemy. This is what we inherited from the cave girl. So for authentic love we should not be strategizing unless we are getting into a competitive relationship.

    To be authentic we ask ourselves things like are we having fun? What do I want to give? What would be a joy to give? What do I want to give to another person that if they valued that I would feel fulfilled?

    The check if what we are giving is not valued we ask, where are we most frustrated? Where are we most fulfilled to check if what we are giving is valued.

  21.  #21Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Oh wow, Alonka, that went straight in like an arrow of truth! I feel stunned by how true it feels. My eyes and mouth flew open when I read it. From things he has said I suspected his drinking was a big part of why his ex-w left and broke his heart. Of course he doesn’t want to repeat that! Hmm. He is probably looking for a woman with less self-love who will tolerate it. He could tell that wasn’t me. Well WH, there’s another option: sober up and let a great woman love you! (Right, Ella? ;))

  22.  #22Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    RE 21 Lucy that is the reason why I believe they come back. If for instance he sobers up he will try again. He has worked on his issue, plus they are forgiving so they would want to be forgiven. No?

    Also if they are desperate for sex and attention won’t they do what they have to do to get what they want when they are really ready to get it?

  23.  #23Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    I think that’s the message from WH and TN! – that I am no longer the girl who abandons herself for a man. My ex-h, when his sex addiction came out, told me that he chose me bc I was bad enough (i.e., had a “past”) that he wouldn’t feel guilty hurting me, and I was good enough that I would tolerate it. He found the perfect wife. It took me years to finally say “enough” but I got there and will not abandon myself again. These men saw that in me and stopped pursuing. Wow! Great message! Thx all for helping me

  24.  #24Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    My take from that is they really don’t get married just because they are in love. They think logically through their decision and make a choice, maybe nt all the time but at least sometimes, for what suits their convenience.

  25.  #25Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Ok, new developments. I don’t know what they mean and I’m choosing not to look too hard. I feel intrigued and open.

    Mr. Fab Kisser just asked me out for tomorrow night. I literally had that night open up about an hour before he messaged me. I’m going.

    My old high school/college boyfriend who has been in and out of my life since high school (20 years) is now single and messaging me again.

    A guy I dated two years ago who set up this fabulous first date for me (a scavenger hunt) is now back and wants to take me out.

    What is up with history repeating itself?


    Stop sign.

    History is history.

    This is brand new. I do not want to rehash old adventures or experiences. I only want to experience them as the people they are today.

    I wonder what it will be like to meet Mr. Fab Kisser again for the first time. I’ll have to come up with a new name.

  26.  #26Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    FW, thanks. That would be great if he dealt with it and came back – I did feel so good with him. Ha, I remember he even said, when ending it, “I think you are a great person and I don’t want to hurt you” – very different from what my ex said about me!

  27.  #27Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Lucy, yeah!

  28.  #28Senior Lady Vibe on February 24, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Hello, world. I am thankful for the day.

    Vote early and often. 😀

    One vote is not enough. Each person can vote once each day, every day.


  29.  #29Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Shannon!!! I feel so excited reading your post! Oh my gosh, please believe this is something new, a shift, a breakthrough for you, bc about half an hour ago something huge came up for me and it had to do with you and all of us – I feel so excited!!! explanation coming…. wish i could write with computer…

  30.  #30Senior Lady Vibe on February 24, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    @25: Simply Shannon says:
    “…This is brand new. I do not want to rehash old adventures or experiences. I only want to experience them as the people they are today…”

    I think so too. They’ve been “cleansed” and you get to see where they are now.


  31.  #31Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    After my shower today, a lost memory struck me like lightning – long ago in a galaxy far away (before marital collapse), I operated in the spiritual gift of intercession – part of my p.o.p. and my joy. I feel flabbergasted that I had forgotten that. Immediately upon remembering, joy flooded my soul, stuck energy flowed thru me, and I began to intercede, first for my family and then for my siren-sisters by name, starting with Shannon (the first to come to mind). I feel like crying! I feel such healing in my

  32.  #32Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    heart, the finding of a long-lost treasure.

  33.  #33Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Thank you, God, for your magic. I love you. I forgive myself for forgetting. Thank you for not forgetting me. Thank you for restoring my joy.

  34.  #34Prairie Girl on February 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Lucy that is beautiful… Intercession is very cool..

  35.  #35Prairie Girl on February 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    #25 SS

    “Stop sign.

    History is history.

    This is brand new.”

    Wow! I love this…I’m repeating it over and over… “history is history… This is brand new”….

  36.  #36Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Ok, now I’m seeing that Mr. Manly Man viewed me today on OkCupid after two weeks of no communication or viewing. Freaky randomness.

    I thought God was closing the doors on these guys. Remember that just a few weeks ago? And now they’re all back.


  37.  #37Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Where’s the “like” button for Lucy’s post! So excited that you’ve rediscovered a piece of your POP!

  38.  #38Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Whoa. Lucy, I just read your post. Oh wow I feel happy for you!

    What is intercession? I don’t know that term.

    And whatever you’re doing, please keep doing it. 🙂

    I want to get unstuck!!

  39.  #39Lucy on February 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Thanks, PG and Pam! 🙂

  40.  #40Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Quick question about the fem energy guys. I feel bored by the back and forth emails. I don’t want pen pals. These guys neither repulse or scare me so in theory they are CD able. I’ve stopped replying because whenever I send an email reply I get another one back.

    I’m hesitating sending them a FM because even if they stepped up and asked to meet I think I’d be uninspired to do so if I was being honest with myself and them.

    Anyone had experience like this and what are your thoughts?

  41.  #41LonePlum on February 24, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    13 Lucy

    ***What if he pursued hard and everything worked great and the little girl and little boy connected … but in conversation he realized you’re not a match bc of lifestyle issues (his drinking)? In my mind, then, he rejected me***

    The verb “to pursue” and the “verb “to reject” can not be acted by the same subject.
    He can not physically pursue and reject; it is not physically possible 🙂

    1 ) He pursues and let you go because you do not want him.
    2) You make him pursue you which makes you the real pursuer, in which case you feel rejected when he does not want to keep playing.

    But it is one case or the other, it can not be mixed

    OK, your case was the first case.
    Grown up Lucy was not there, during the date. Little girl was there.
    She was ready to become crazy over him. Little boy got in direct communication with little girl who told her truth.
    Little boy felt safe and flattered, the date lasted hours on end.

    Then, worrying information started flowing among his words. Little Girl HAD to pass the messages to Grown Up Lucy.
    Grown up Lucy answered to Little Girl that, she, the grown up will take the ultimate decision at some stage. She rejected Grown Up WH, because Grown Up Lucy is worth more than an alcoholic. She can do a lot better.
    She might have said to little girl, she’d rather stay alone than ruin her peace and her self esteem with an alcoholic. She might have told Little Girl that an alcoholic is not good enough for them, he would not allow Little Girl to blossom.
    Little Girl immediately rebelled against her Grown Up and is, since then, pretending that she is already over age and she’s cut all contact with Grown Up Lucy.

    She turned her Grown up off to keep little boy alive in her heart.

    But Little boys know when the Grown Up of a Little Girl is rejecting them. And they know the order will be obeyed sooner or later.

    Little boy felt rejected by Grown Up Lucy.
    He decided to let Little Girl go safely home with her Grown Up . . .
    Had he kept her, she would have staid a while. And she would have hurt, in conflict with her Grown Up. He did not want to hurt her.
    And he also knew she would make peace with her Grown Up sooner or later and leave him. He did not want to get hurt either.
    He opened his paws and let her free to go become a whole with her Grown UP, away from broken men.

    She is processing her wholeness.


  42.  #42Luzydel on February 24, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    I reopened POF, Singlesnet, and ok cupid. Now I understand what Rory say about CDing until there is a serious commitment in place.

    I feel hurt a little, but I will be fine. I have been there before and I am still here.

    Back to the game!!

  43.  #43ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    I need help. I feel like I’m at rock bottom; the point of no return. I’m ready to give up. I don’t know what to do. Please help me Rori…

    I found this one guy on a dating web site, his profile was stellar. It said to look him up on facebook, so I did exactly what he wrote in his profile and requested him, sent a message to start up conversation. This guy treated me like his barbie doll for three and a half months, keeping me at a safe distance, ignoring me more than he talked to me. But I kept on trying because I thought the good outweighed the bad. I was trying to schedule plans again and he tried every excuse in the book. It came to the point where he said he needed to talk to me because there is someone else. Turns out he has this female friend who he has been obsessed with since childhood and that he wants to try things out with her since she just came to him that week and opened up. Needless to say he screwed me over royally.

    Unsure of what to do in this situation I befriended his best male friend, seeking his personal advice. This was 2/1/2011… He was so kind and genuine in talking to me. He was honest with me. We continued talking, and talking, and talking… the best friend and I really hit it off despite the circumstances. We would spend hours talking at night online, and texting from time to time during the day occasionally. We ended up meeting up and hanging out together. It was perfect. We continued talking as we had been before. He is nothing like his (cold withdrawn) best friend, and even admitted so when we were randomly talking about it amidst an evening conversation online. He’s not a jerk by any means. He’s thoughtful, warm, all kinds of positive things women desire in a man. He would constantly ask me things like how my day was going, things like that, and one night he even said that he didn’t get to talk to me much that day and he hoped that I had a great day. He lives 40 miles away. He made a huge deal about wanting to spend time with me on Valentine’s day, and drove all that way after a long day to come see me. We had a great time together. Monday was “picture perfect.” We continued talking as before. Tuesday was normal, as per our usual, Wednesday was fine too. I was on cloud nine, or so I thought… I didn’t hear from him at all during the day or see him on at all on Thursday so I sent him a nice text in the evening to which he eventually responded – he had been sleeping, had worked two doubles basically. At least that’s what he said. I asked him if he wanted to do something over the weekend and he said “yeah most likely” not at all like his usual enthusiastic self, but he was overworked and tired. I said goodnight and let it be. Friday I texted him early in the afternoon to try to make plans for sometime over the weekend, no response, so I tried again a few hours later, again no response. Another thing we did that was cute was occasionally point out 11:11 to each other. So Saturday I attempted to do so. No response, but he was at work so probably most likely busy.

    This is where I really messed up… I called him around the time he was supposed to be getting out of work. He texted me immediately after my call saying he was about to leave work, so I asked him to call me when he got out. He didn’t. I accidentally blew up his phone looking desperate as ever. I just wanted an answer to if I would get to see him and when. I was miserable, and so confused. It was not like him to just suddenly stop talking and completely ignore me. I was used to the enthusiastic polite gentleman who talked to me all the time, at least once a day but most times more than just once. I chatted with the friend who screwed me over for a few minutes, which didn’t make me feel any better. Sunday I sent one text which went unanswered, so I let it be. I was going insane, literally. So I thought of this brilliant idea to message his sister who he told me he talked about me with. Big mistake.

    Monday I caught him on IM while he was at work and got a quick hi how are you and he responded and then disappeared (granted he was at work). Tuesday at work on IM he chatted for a few minutes and then asked me why I messaged his sister, I told him it was to say hello and talk, pointing out that I wanted to chat with her about the hobby of mine he was talking with her about… I said that I hoped he wasn’t mad, and he said “kind of.” Now, he could have been rude, nasty, all kinds of mean/negative, but he wasn’t, he’s not like that. But that is the last thing he said to me.

    To further my mistake making, I have been overdoing it. I have read tons of your blogs, and a number of books, but it’s like I can’t control myself. He wanted to know why I messaged her, so I sent him an explanation which included an apology and asking for forgiveness and to let me make it up to him. This was this past Tuesday. I have not said anything since, and he has not responded to my message. The point of the message wasn’t to get a response though, it was to explain myself and give him a complete full disclosure honest answer to his question. I told him how I was feeling upset, and that was why, etc.

    He is such an amazing person, we were having such a great time talking and really enjoying each other’s company. He was making strides, going out of his way for me, and then bam complete silence which drove me mad. He made it clear that he’s glad he met me despite the circumstances of how we met. I know that he finds me attractive, I know that he likes me, I know that he enjoys the time we spent together, so what gives?

    I want to give him time and space to come back to me and initiate contact me with me, and see me again on his own terms, but I am a very impatient and impulsive person. I’m terrified to lose the wonderful guy that I found, who was so good to me before things went sour and he withdrew.

    How did I let myself get into this mess? How did I allow myself to get to such a low point? What went wrong? He was so incredible, and affectionate, – and then did a complete 180 on me… I don’t get it. What do I do now?

  44.  #44Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Intercession is focussed prayer

  45.  #45Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 4:24 pm


    My goodness – I can so relate to the desperation of your message and hesitate to respond because I don’t want you to think I’m being harsh, but I have to say – leave the man alone already! For your sake, your dignity, more than anything.

    Can’t type much, as I’m on my phone, but I suggest going back through your message and tracking how many times you leaned forward and how many times you leaned back in each of the two relationships you shared about.

    Take care of yourself, take a breather, turn the phone/computer off and take a bath.

    Whew my adrenalin is pumping just reading your post…

    Hope you hear some helpful msgs from the others here…hugs

  46.  #46tinque on February 24, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Confuzzled Cookie – You’ve been leaning forward from the get go with both of these guys to the point of seeming like a psycho woman.

    You must allow the man to “row the boat”, initiate contact. He texts, calls, you respond. He invites you. He makes the plans.

    Lean back. Lean way back. Whatever it takes to not initiate, whether it be sitting on your hands or calling a girlfriend or something else, please do not do this.


  47.  #47Luzydel on February 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    @ 43: ConfuzzledCookie

    Wow that was a lot to read and I could feel the pressure and overwhelm these men have felt. You need to relax!

    You know what you are doing wrong, so Stop doing it.

    We all been there to some degree, but in the end it is better to stop, lean back and relax. They may come to you or they wont. But you will keep your sanity in the end.

  48.  #48Ella on February 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Seeing Mr B tomorrow.

    Really, really need to keep the focus on me…

    Am struggling with this at the moment.

    Any tips?


  49.  #49Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    43 Confuzzled Cookie

    I feel your pain with the desperation and impulsive contacts. I’ve done it too.

    Please stop and look after yourself. Do things which feel good for you not those which make you feel worse afterwards. Reach out to people who love and care about you, friends, family etc.

    Do what ever you need to to put the focus back on you and how great you are by feeling great about yourself. I know its sounds stupid/trivial now but at the height of my psycho-ness I just stopped and went and got my hair and nails done and got the car cleaned. I had to get away from my computer and phone because I was too far gone into the craziness.

    Hoping you find some peace and wonderful advice from others here. Best wishes

  50.  #50femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    i fell asleep exhausted…….and woke up angry.

  51.  #51Lisi on February 24, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Random intermittent reinforcement is the most effective kind of reinforcement.

    It’s what hooks gamblers.

    Usually, I don’t text M. first. But, I figured I’d try it this morning — since he’s used to having no contact unless he texts.

    I texted that I was headed out for a busy day, and had smiled at the new pic of the hot guy in my phone (he sent me a contact pic yesterday).

    He answered: aaawwww. how sweet. are you free tonight?

    Of course, I’m not. I have a date.

    But I offered him a playdate with our kids on Saturday, and he took it.

    So, he gets a no-sex playdate, instead of sex tonight.




    I won’t do it again for awhile.

    But I’m feeling all clever right now….


  52.  #52femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    how dare he treat me this way?so if i bump into him he’s going to wear that little ‘i’m ashamed’ expression.
    f#CK^N A$$!!!
    i gave you time…and space to sort that shite out and you walk out of the bar without a word to me because your ex showed up?really?!!!!
    did you think i would go all out of control like she probably would or did?have i not shown you that i’m strong on the inside and soft on the outside?
    so if you were scared int hat moment why did you not call me or text me after?still scared?
    well boohoo you little F%$CHIN M@NIAC!!!
    FU *cee lo voice*
    taking my sh*t for litte loser.
    fu and your ex girlfriend.

    i’m so so angry i’m crying.SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  53.  #53Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Waking up… I still feel a twinge of sadness each morning. I don’t want that couple seconds of hazy fog when I still think we are together, then I remember we aren’t. I want to wake up happy again instead of getting out of bed ‘making’ myself feel excited about the day. I want that to pass.

  54.  #54Femininewoman on February 24, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Was reviewing Dr. Paul’s piece on boundaries in CCs From Casual to Committed

    If you are thin skinned you could lack empathy which is immature. People with a thick skin around their boundary end up being lonely unless they can change. They tend to have one big blow up with people and close the door of their boundary. This is also immature.

    Having holes in your boundary shows up as having difficulties saying no and accepting no from men. Holes in your boundary causes a lack of preference, like the man who can’t make choices for dates. The more holes the more immature the person will be. Holes in the boundary creates anxiety and allows your self esteem to seep out, and difficulty with rejection. Saying no to things you don’t prefer gives you stronger boundaries.

    Guys without preferences show holes in their boundaries, they cannot commit. A man with tons of preferences have strong boundaries. If someone is being manipulative, it is because they are finding holes in your boundary.

    Scientifically love is a transfer of self esteem for free. The boundary gives us strength. Test his boundary strength by rejecting him, see if gets shy and walks away. Women need a man that is strong. Does he say “should” a lot? Is he pushy? These are tip off for a possible cheater. A lie is a smokescreen over a hole in a boundary. Lack of preferences, indecision indicates possible cheaters and liars. Guys who say yes too much are highly likely to be liars, and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It is impossible for another human being to always say yes to you and give you what you want. Look for how sensitive or over-sensitive he is. Does he lack preferences? How indecisive is he?

    In communication both people are right when it comes to boundaries. Idea1 is right and idea 2 is right, that creates a win-win scenario. A mature person will work to get idea 3 so both can agree. If a person practices I am right you are wrong that is immature as it is a win-lose situation. Both are right when it comes to opinions. Psychology has 4 parts boundaries, emotional energy, ideas/beliefs and decisions.

    We tend to pair up with people at similar maturity levels. Intimacy happens when there is a breakdown of boundaries and there is a sharing of decision making, opinions and ideas so they stop saying no to each other when they are together. This creates co-dependency and some people get stuck here. What you ideally want is inter-dependence where people use doors in their boundaries to go in and out of intimacy.

  55.  #55femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    right now i feel like
    ‘boys are stupid.throw rocks at them’
    that makes me feel good.
    throwing rocks at random men from the bushes 🙂

  56.  #56tinque on February 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    femenrgylove – I like it. Too funny. Go for it. lol


  57.  #57Ella on February 24, 2011 at 5:32 pm




  58.  #58Ella on February 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Painted my nails pink again.

    Feeling good now. Like nothing really matters, just going to be in the present.

    Going to snuggle in bed and read my book and look forward to an exciting day at work tomorrow!

    Night Sirens.


  59.  #59LonePlum on February 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Get Over A Crush Who Doesn’t Like You


  60.  #60Luzydel on February 24, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    “No man should ever feel like he’s your man of choice, he’s your “One”, or that you’re only seeing him. Not until he’s committed.”

    This is so true, Once D felt I only wanted to date him he took it easy and started to distance.

    Lesson learned!!!

  61.  #61Lori C on February 24, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    As part of my “me” process, I decided to teach myself to play the acoustic guitar. I had taken lessons years ago but no longer had the guitar. A girlfriend at work had an old one laying around but it just didn’t “fit”. And I got frustrated. I know I can do this but the guitar just wasn’t for me and I wasn’t getting anywhere.

    Today, I went to the guitar store and the very nice man there, helped me to find a guitar that fit ME. I used all my feminine energy, asked him what he thought, and he basically gave me his undivided attention for 30 minutes. He played music for me and I walked out with a guitar that fit. I practiced my girlish girl stuff and felt great.

    I got home and the guitar and I got along well. I actually could make chords and felt for sure, I CAN do this. I was able to play six chords with my new guitar when yesterday, I couldn’t play any!

    Whoo Hoo. This was a big day for me.

  62.  #62femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    why does a huge part of me want to just write him and say it does not feel good that i have not heard fromyou all week,it does not feel good and makes me feel does not feel good to be treated this way.
    yes its leaning forward…but its how i feel (wail!crying again)
    me misewable.

  63.  #63femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    because i’m expecting a reaction if i’m honest.
    and somehow the silence is comforting,because i somehow convince myself that he is just scared and that makes me feel compassion..then anger.
    i have my little pile of rocks ready.
    i love my little pile of rocks.

  64.  #64Lisi on February 24, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    I have a male friend who says, “You marry the person you’re dating at the time of your life you’re ready to get married.”

  65.  #65Senior Lady Vibe on February 24, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Did everyone get in her vote for today, Thursday, February 24th? You can do one vote for Rori every day.


  66.  #66Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Lisi @ 64

    Maybe it’s that subconsciously it’s the way the woman they’re dating makes them feel that makes them think they’re now ready to get married. (I hope so!)

  67.  #67Lisi on February 24, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Just caught up on the blog.

    Lucy — thanks for the intercession. No reason we can’t pray for one another in addition to the other ways we give each other support.

    SS — cool that ManlyMan is viewing you again. It means he’s still intrigued.

    Confuzzled cookie — You’re getting good advice from the women here. Hope you’re ready to take care of you.

    LonePlum — thanks for #7. It’s a quote of Femininewoman’s? Wow. I need to copy and paste.

    I have a first date at 6:30 with a guy who may just have a muscle where his brain should be. Guess we’ll see how he comes off in person.

    The one who emailed me that sounded so interesting said he wanted to meet this week — then nothing.

    Of course — he’s the ONE I was hoping to hear back from.

    I’m ready to be dating someone I would consider marrying. I am attracting a man I would marry.

    I’m dating someone I would marry.

    I LOVE waking up next to a man I want to marry.

    Yummm. What a nice thought. I think I’ll carry that with me.


    I was practicing my siren vibe in starbuck’s when Hot Young Blockbuster Employee came in.

    He started up a convo, and I invited him to sit down and visit w me. It was fun to be calm & relaxed & able to see that he was nervous visiting with me. I talk to him all the time in blockbuster, but not next door.

    He’s too young — so this was definitely CD-ing, and not dating — but he was cute & trying to be impressive and nervous. How cool!

    That’s me: *hair toss* the intriguing older woman.

    Now that I’m in my 40’s (for 3 days), I’m ALL THAT!



  68.  #68Lisi on February 24, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Winnie —


    And — maybe — if they walk away — it’s cuz he wasn’t ready to get married — and not cuz he didn’t love me.


  69.  #70Lisi on February 24, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    MuscleBrain guy just emailed from his phone that he’s there.

    Waiting for me.

    And I said I’m on my way.

    But, I’m still on the blog.

    Silly me.


  70.  #71LonePlum on February 24, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    67: Lisi

    No, I wrote the post 7, after reading her comment 401 from the previous blog.


  71.  #72Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Just voted

  72.  #73Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 6:46 pm


    #62: Please don’t please don’t please don’t.

    Let me tell you how it feels. At first you are happy you spoke your truth (though no one asked you). Then you realize that no one runs to respond. Then you start questioning why you are not paid attention to immediately. But if to think about it, you already knew it and that is why you wrote, hoping you’d be heard. Then you realize you weren’t. Then you start wondering what’s going on and whether you’d ever hear from him. And then you hear from him – at his convenience. By that time you’re all nervous, you have no confidence and just plain happy he still remembers your number. The conversation throws you off your horse for days to come.

    If you don’t call.. you go thru your day thinking – how dare he treats me this way. Did he even deserve that I talk to him if he does call? he is supposed to make me feel loved and cared for hmmm he’s not doing his job! How dare he is not doing his job? He is not making me feel good – is he even right for me? What did he do to deserve me? Poor thing, if he is not calling to make plans, it means he’s not gonna see ME! And I will be busy living my life.. and somewhere in between seriously consider whether he is the one I can let care about me at all.

  73.  #74Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 6:52 pm


    #48: Really? I always look up to you on this blog, I’m sure you’ll figure it out and have no fear. Pink nails alone will do the job, you don’t even need to open your mouth.

  74.  #75femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    i feel the tension now leaving my body…i feel peace seeping in..i feel the obsession ebbing away…and i’m still here.i feel grateful.i still feel a little angry…but i feel it fading away because i’m embracing myself and my guilt and anger and making room for better feelings.
    and as mike dooley says…thoughts become things…and i’m choosing good ones.
    i love my rants,i love my anger…and my bushes…and my rocks.

  75.  #76femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    thanks so much.i’m so glad that i did not,becasue deep downi knew it would be just as you described.i feel your love and concern and i’m grateful.
    Man i’ve come a long way.feeling all these things and still being strong enough to put my heart first no matter how awkward and stupid it feels at first.
    hugs 🙂

  76.  #77Lori C on February 24, 2011 at 7:01 pm


    LOVE Mike Dooley! Been a subscriber for years.


  77.  #78Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Lucy: wow! I feel so excited about your experience with intersession. Wow! I’m getting tingles.

  78.  #79Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Prairie Girl:

    From last thread:

    “And I keep writing to all the other boys… the ones that bore me and make me want to poke myself in the eye while talking to them….”


    Yes, I have done much with the eye pokery this week!

    I hope this man sweeps you off your feet, Prairie! Yay you!

    Have a potential CD to chat with tonight. The one who called me “luscious” and “captivating.”

    Yay me!

  79.  #80ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you so much to everyone with all of your helpful input and advice…

    Do you think that since he’s not like your typical average run of the mill jerk-like male, and actually a good nice guy that he’ll give me a chance to redeem myself?

    Or have I messed it up to the point of no return?

    I don’t want to lose him! He made me feel so genuinely happy, feel good about myself, and completely comfortable being myself around him. Everything was really great until he fell silent and I went haywire.

    I know what I did wrong.
    I know what I need to do.
    I know that I need to give him time and space.
    But how long?
    Do you think he’ll come around back to how he was?

  80.  #81LonePlum on February 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    ***In love, writing is dangerous, not to mention pointless***
    and that was written a century before the invention of the mobile phone :p 🙂


  81.  #82Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    KnockSoftly: I would love to hear more about your cord cutting experience. Please give us details!

    SS: Did you to the soulmate exercise? If so, what did you come up with?

    Boomer: Hi! You feeling better today?

  82.  #83Kristine on February 24, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    I had a wonderful time with a down to earth amazing man 🙂 I am so taking this slow and focusing on me first and my children of course….He made a comment, “Your such a girl”….I thought yes…yes i am and I deserve your respect and kind words which he gave….He makes me feel happy, I laugh, I feel he can protect me and if anything else just be an amazing friend 🙂 I am me and I love it.


  83.  #84Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    The new guy made plans with me for dinner on Sat night. he said: I’ll make reservations for 8pm, you told me you like sushi, Italian, french, right? I said: thank you , yes, but not at once.

    I can’t start using feeling messages in a simple conversation. I just can’t say: dinner feels good. Doesn’t sound natural to me. and then in the middle of a serious conversation I start panicking that I have no idea how to use feeling messages, They just don’t come to my mind. and that’s all I can think of, instead of responding to the person talking.

  84.  #85Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    80 ConfuzzledCookie

    From what I’ve been told you give them as much time as THEY need to come back. You go about your life looking after you. No point in wondering what they are thinking/doing as much as you are dying to know. No point in waiting around as much as it hurts.

    You keep yourself busy, with fun stuff and friends, start circular dating other people, practice the tools on other men in your life. Put the focus back on you and what feels good for you.

    Send positive vibes out into the universe and you just never know what will happen.

  85.  #86Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Rori: Brenda is the one who originally brought it to our attention. Thank you Brenda!

    I didn’t realize you didn’t know about it. Next time I hear of something like this, I’ll let you know right away.

    Thank you for all that you share with us. This information has literally changed my life.

  86.  #87Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    #80 ConfuzzledCookie – maybe it’s that great time to let the truth happen and watch how it makes you feel?

  87.  #88Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Boomer: I’m giggling right now because I saw that my post to you is grammactically challenged. Sorry bout that. 🙂

  88.  #89Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    #81 Loneplum: who said it?

  89.  #90Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Eternity: How is the physical pain you were talking about? I feel curious if you went through a process of healing it or if it just happened organically.

  90.  #91femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    my dear cookie…..
    i feel like you…but i realise that focusing on the whens and hows is what makes me make my little pile of rocks bigger….
    its hard to get to a point where you are not focused on it and thinking about it and even relaxed about it.i say feel it’ll be ugly…but you’ll be beautiful in the end.and yes its not what you want to hear.

  91.  #92ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    87: Alonka

    What do you mean??

  92.  #93Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:31 pm


    I mean to sit back and watch a movie about your life;) not to interfere. To let whatever is meant to be happen.

  93.  #94Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    84: Alonka says:

    “I can’t start using feeling messages in a simple conversation. I just can’t say: dinner feels good. Doesn’t sound natural to me. and then in the middle of a serious conversation I start panicking that I have no idea how to use feeling messages,”

    Alonka, I’m having trouble with that too. It’s so much easier to use FMs when texting. I think Rori said somewhere that a good way to ease into use FMs is to use them to describe actually physical sensations such as “I feel so cold now, I wish I’d brought a coat” etc. Try to consciously feel your emotions and then after a while it will be easier to voice them.

  94.  #95Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:35 pm


    Aren’t you waking up feeling that you are not stuck anymore? That all roads are open for you? Probably doesn’t feel as safe as being stuck, but so much more promising.

  95.  #96Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm

  96.  #97Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 7:37 pm


    Hi LG

    The pain changed. It was like something was carved out of my chest after I wrote that post. I used the link Lone Plum gave me and breathing out and breathing the new moment in.

    It’s now a sharp pain in my throat just before the tears come. I thought I was past all the tears but they sneak up on me at the weirdest times.

    I feel curious about where pain and hurt manifest now. I want to know more about that.

  97.  #98Prairie Girl on February 24, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    #61 Lori C

    Yay you!!!!! Rock on Siren…pun intended.. or … blues on… or country on… well. .you know what I mean…I’m secretly very envious!!!!!


  98.  #99ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Ah, okay, got it. I was confused. Go figure, right?

    That will be a near impossible task considering how impulsive and impatient I am, but I have no other choice.

    Thank you so much:

    Based on what I’ve said, your opinions, and experiences, ladies – do you think the great guy he is will give it another go when he’s completely cooled off?

  99.  #100Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:40 pm


    Thanks, I’ll try that! Otherwise it’s an awful feeling when all you can think of is that there is a way to save a relationship and you forgot the magic words;)

  100.  #101Darling Ella on February 24, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Tapping “I am overwhelmed emotionally…” with Nick Ortner

    I initially typed in a table format, but couldn’t transfer the format…Anyway, here it is:

    Karate chop spot (side hand):
    Even though I am overwhelmed emotionally, I don’t even know what I am feeling; I deeply and completely accept myself;
    Even though I am totally overwhelmed, I just don’t even know what I feel, I deeply and completely accept myself.
    Even though I am overwhelmed, I don’t know what’s wrong; I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

    Eyebrow –above the nose
    I am totally overwhelmed…I don’t even know what to feel

    Side of the Eye :
    Under the Eye I don’t know what to feel;

    Under the Nose:
    I don’t know what to think about it

    Under the Mouth
    I am totally overwhelmed

    I am totally overwhelmed

    4 Inches Under the Arm
    There is too much going on

    Top of the Head
    I’ve got too much pain

    Too much heartache

    Side of the Eye
    Too much heartache

    Under the eye
    Too many bad experiences

    Under the nose
    I am totally overwhelmed

    Under the mouth
    How do I begin letting this go

    I don’t even know how to begin

    Under the Arm
    I don’t even know how to get started

    Top of the Head
    I don’t even know that is possible

    Just letting go a little bit…

    Side of the Eye
    I can relax just a little bit

    Under the eye
    I can let go a little bit of this overwhelmed feeling

    Under the nose
    Letting it go

    Under the mouth
    Just a little bit


    Under the arm
    Letting it go

    Top of the head
    Just a little bit

    Take a deep breath…
    And let it go….

    This practice opens up some space…for better energy to get in…

    Every round of tapping creates a shift…for example, from being a 10 in the beginning (strong emotion) to a 7 after tapping… you can repeat the process…

    Hope it helps someone 🙂

  101.  #102Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Oh my gosh… more tapping for y’all (can’t believe DE just posted the Ortner tapping. I wanted to hear that one!! Yeah!)

    Click on this one ASAP as it will be going down tomorrow. This summit is similar to the Soulmate Summit but specific to tapping.

    Oh wow. I am crying.

  102.  #103Prairie Girl on February 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    #79 Boomer

    Yay you luscious Boomer!!!

  103.  #104Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    #99: I feel it’s the only way to allow it to happen. You can’t control him, but you can invite him by being silent. And this is really the only only way.

  104.  #105ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    #104 Alonka,

    I agree and think that you’re right.

    Now I don’t know what to do about the whole facebook thing.

    I can’t just not post anything at all, I’m usually a very active user, and random on the site. If I stop acting myself on fb that will look suspicious, but I don’t want to overdo it on fb either.

    I’ve turned off the chat feature to try to keep myself in line, these past few days since we last spoke. Since Tue once in a while I’ll turn it back on out of curiosity, but only for a few minutes. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to keep it off because of how that might appear to him as well or if I should just leave it on like normal.

  105.  #106Simply Shannon on February 24, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    In case you don’t want to listen to the entire thing, the tapping experience starts around minute 33:45. He’s tapping on “I feel unworthy of love”. Wow. Seriously fabulous.

  106.  #107Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 8:03 pm


    I feel smiley seeing you reach out to ConfuzzledCookie. It seems that she is right where you were last week…and look how far you’ve come! You are giving back. I believe that giving back honors your self, your story, and your connection to community. Not to mention that it builds oxytocin levels…which is a definite benefit! 🙂

    Yay, you!

  107.  #108Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    105: ConfuzzledCookie says:

    “Now I don’t know what to do about the whole facebook thing.

    I can’t just not post anything at all, I’m usually a very active user, and random on the site. If I stop acting myself on fb that will look suspicious, but I don’t want to overdo it on fb either.”

    I’m coming in late to this convo, but I don’t see any harm in doing things differently. If you going to be wondering what his reaction will be everytime you post on facebook, then maybe it would be good to be different and not post so much for a while. Do other stuff that you don’t usually do, BE different. After a while he may start to wonder about you and come looking. And if he does, he’ll find that you have changed, and that you’ve grown and he might just like that. xoxo

    I’ve turned off the chat feature to try to keep myself in line, these past few days since we last spoke. Since Tue once in a while I’ll turn it back on out of curiosity, but only for a few minutes. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to keep it off because of how that might appear to him as well or if I should just leave it on like normal.

  108.  #109Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    @ 108
    Ooops! Didn’t mean to repost your last paragraph

  109.  #110Laughing Goddess on February 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Eternity: When I hear throat, I think of the throat chakra and energy around something said or unsaid.

  110.  #111Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    OK, so LG…you’re triggering my grammar peeves! LOL, I kid. I am a very casual writer, I drop words all over the place. Please don’t let me be the Grammar Nazi on here!

    I am trying to be open-minded about “luscious” and “captivating” man. His writing is fluid and beautiful, but wow, he is not an articulate guy on the phone. And he is very nervous. I’m trying to be gentle with him.

    And he is a dating newbie.


    I keep attracting the newbs. Wonder why.

    He pronounces beagle “biggle.” He keeps saying, “I don’t know what to say.” He’s not leading.

    I find reasons NOT to like them all. Wonder why?


    He seems sweet.
    He seems kind.
    He seems smart, if inarticulate.

    I am going to be open minded.
    I am going to be open.
    I am going to be warm.
    I am going to be inviting.

  111.  #112ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 8:20 pm


    And I know, haha, I’ve done that before. I like to paste what I’m replying to so I can read it and sometimes forget to delete.

    I thought about that too. I thought about being kind of MIA on fb, which might make him wonder about me, but I don’t want him to get suspicious in any way or think I’m trying to stay away on purpose or well, I simply only want to instill positive curiosity and no negative impressions considering the damage I’ve already done. What do you think about chat thing – on versus off?

  112.  #113Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    RE: throat pain/lump/stuckness

    For me, it is a result of the sexual abuse from my childhood and acts up whenever my autonomic nervous system is particularly stressed. It is a body memory…a conditioned response to a the stimuli of overwhelming anxiety.

    The way I’ve learned to work through it is using tapping or other bilateral stimulation and breathing exercises in order to calm the nervous system.

    Not sure if this fits for you, but I find it’s pretty common with my clients who have been similarly abused via forced oral sex.

  113.  #114Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 8:21 pm


    Thanks, I am only returning the favor and I still remember my feelings from the last week so well. It’s easy to express them.

    In my story though I’m not so sure if the guy ever considered coming back;) In our conversation he said: I hope you appreciate that I’m calling you back, many people would have just vanished. So perhaps this is exactly what he was doing and my call made him feel guilty and call me back.

    But I do believe that if a relationship was sincere on his end, silence helps tremendously.

  114.  #115femenergylove on February 24, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    this woman is tired and is off to bed.i feel free.i thankyou ladies,for your support and your insight.and your hugs 🙂
    i will sleep like a baby,my week will end on a fantastic high note,i’m all smiles.i dont know how..but i believe.

  115.  #116Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    @ 112

    I would turn it on if you want to chat with others but not leave it on all the time. If you are just sitting there with the blue moon showing idle, then it might seem like you are sitting around waiting for him.

    I have done exactly the same thing…and when he does come on, I’ve wished I wasn’t online, but thought to myself ‘ I can’t go offline now coz he’ll think it’s about him’. Do you have many facebook friends in common? Perhaps you could put him in a separate friend list and leave that list switched off so that you can still interact with your other friends.

  116.  #117Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 8:30 pm


    Also, I think if a guy told you he is breaking up, it is kind of ‘magical’ – because he made a decision and sent it to the world. Unless he is the one who changes his mind all the time, he is done with you.

  117.  #118Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 8:33 pm


    I can understand how you would feel that way, and it does make sense. All you can really do is live the best life you can from here on out and be open to being surprised. 🙂

  118.  #119Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    95 Alonka

    I’m struggling with letting the last bit of him go. I don’t want to lean forward any more that’s not it. But when I think about totally letting him go, in my own mind, I just dissolve into tears to think he’s gone forever. I’m just trying to feel my way through it. Sink into the feelings you know? I wonder if it’s possible to run out of tears. I must be close.

  119.  #120ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    @116 & others

    Yup, I’ve been there done that too. And this week was a short work week for me which did not help at all. But he knew that. And he knows I’m a “computer nerd,” but most people give me looks of confusion when I say that cause that description doesn’t seem fitting. Which is somewhat irrelevant.

    I could put him in a separate list.
    My friend who suggested I turn off chat and keep it off permanently for now, I mentioned this to, and she said no she advised against it to just turn it off and keep it off for everyone, that it was too tempting for me to constantly turn his part back on and said that anyone who needs to contact me has other ways that they can and will.

    I do see her point, but idk…

    Anyone else??

  120.  #121Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Confuzzled Cookie,

    When I was going through a similar situation, I chose to turn off chat for about 3 weeks. In my case, that’s how long it took me to get control of the impulses. Now, I leave it on for about an hour a day – if P comes on, I just let him be. If he wants to chat with me, he can, but I am able to control the need to contact him first.

    It just might take some time and, ultimately, you are the only one who can determine what will be best for you…just be honest with yourself about what you are and aren’t able to do and what you need to to in order to take care of yourself (not him).

  121.  #122Alonka on February 24, 2011 at 8:42 pm


    What helped me in the past was to go out, meet other men and compare. You’re not going out for the purpose of comparing of course, but then you sort of get the aha moment all of the sudden. And you start appreciating other people for what they give you and how they make you feel. And then you naturally concentrate on the ones who make you feel better. You don’t let someone go, you pick what feels best for you.

  122.  #123ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 8:49 pm


    Thanks, you’re right.

    Oh gosh.

    I’m just hoping & praying he’ll get out of this funk he wound up in, forgive me for behaving badly, come around, and let me redeem myself.

  123.  #124Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Oh, Eternity 🙁

    I feel for you so much. No more tears feels weird to me. I wish I could say I even felt the feelings you feel. I have no tears because I’ve never had tears. I’m strong. I’m capable, I don’t feel things – I push through them.

    I know you are in pain, but revel in it maybe? You know you are alive. I wonder sometimes if I am….

    Hugs to you.

  124.  #125Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    110 LG

    Yes, there was a lot unsaid. He disappeared for a few days then unfriended me on FB and never returned any calls or text since then.

  125.  #126Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    Confuzzled Cookie…hee! Awesome name!

    It makes me think of an Chips Ahoy that you find down in the couch cushions a month later with lint and stuff all over it.


  126.  #127Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Boomer…you make me laugh, but hearing you say that you can’t feel things makes me feel sad.

  127.  #128ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Boomer… thanks. Haha… Right?

    I figured confuzzled was more original than confused, which I am very much so. I was confused enough with the one boy before his incredible best friend came into the picture patching me back up before I made a disaster of what was already a mess to begin with.

    Might you have any input on my predicament?

  128.  #129Winnie on February 24, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    124: Boomer says:

    “I have no tears because I’ve never had tears. I’m strong. I’m capable, I don’t feel things – I push through them.”

    Boomer, that has been me for so many years! I’m so strong, no one can hurt me. I’ve built such a strong boundary (double brick!). Trouble is nobody even noticed that I had walled myself in.

    The last 12 months has been amazing for me. I’ve been putting windows in my boundary and even some doors. People are getting in, some of them hurt me and I cry, but so many more lift me up again. I have a way to go, but I love being vulnerable.

  129.  #130Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    113 Pamelala

    I don’t remember any abuse like that but I don’t remember much of my childhood at all so it’s certainly possible. I do remember being put in some very dangerous situations as a child and not being unable to speak up about that.

  130.  #131Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Cookie, on the FB question…I just unfriended the dude after he didn’t call for 10 days. It was clear we were were finished, and it was too tempting and heart-wrenching to see his sexy bald head all over my page and to even think about monitoring my own status updates. I didn’t want to look like, “Oh, I’m fine, oh, I’m fabulous, see how funny and quirky I still am!” which would have been lame, because I was not. Everything I typed seemed to have an agenda for his eyes…

    So, unfriending him worked for me; I could go about business as usual, but it clearly was a slammed door. He got the message, and if there was even a chance he might come back, I cut it off at the knees.

    I would do it differently now knowing what I know from this blog and Rori’s materials. I’d get a life and not worry about him and maybe just remove his statuses from showing up on my page. I did not know you could do that then.

    The IM? Hmmm. I rarely use it. Or even notice it there in the corner. But if seeing your guy’s face pop up on your “who’s online?” hurts, maybe disable the whole IM for a short time and then check how you feel about it in a week’s time or so???

    I’m not sure if

  131.  #132Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Oops, Cookie…It got cut off.

    I can’t recall what I was going to say. Hee. Late here. Bed time….

  132.  #133Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Boomer – sorry, I should rephrase that – when I hear you say you can’t feel things, I feel sad.

    It took my redefining the word ‘strength’ in order to allow myself to feel. I tell myself that I have the strength to survive and work through my feelings rather than stuffing them because I don’t believe I have the strength to face them. YMMV

  133.  #134Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Eternity – wow, that makes a lot of sense then when you combine it with what LG (I think) said about the chakras.

    I feel so sad hearing about people who have no memories about their childhood. I have the same issue and get so angry when my brother brings up things from our childhood and I don’t remember them. I hope everything you need in order to be your best “Eternity” will be revealed and healed in time.


  134.  #135Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm


    RE: #7 – Breathtaking!!! Thank you! That’s what a man wants and what the essence of romance is, in a nutshell.

  135.  #136Boomer on February 24, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    I knew what you meant, Pamelala. It’s all good!

    I was being a bit melodramatic, perhaps. But I do sometimes wonder if I’ll ever truly let someone in again. Just when I think I’m doing it, they accuse me of withholding.

    I am thinking about this a lot and am trying to just focus on feeling things and not logicking them to death. (If that’s not a word, it should be!)

  136.  #137Pamelala on February 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    The more time I spend on this board, the more I long for a RR girls’ get-together. There is so much beauty and wisdom and uniqueness here that I want to experience it in person. I want to feel the energy up close, to have us all drench one another with our fountains of love and laugh and cry and hug each other….and drink wine. *sigh* <3

  137.  #138Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 9:35 pm


    Hi! I read all your posts on this thread. I feel for ya, being that I am the Goddess of Overfunctioning!

    You know by now that you leaned forward by initiating plans. Then his privacy felt violated when you contacted his sister, whether or not that was your intention (to gather info about him).

    I speak from sad experience: Yes, it is redeemable and correctable.

    The best thing you can do right now is NOTHING, AKA NO – THING!!! Nada! Zip!

    I refer you to the Stop Sign Tool thread written by Rosa (Edit, Find, “Stop Sign” on your browser on this blog). I know the yucky feelings you have right now…all too familiar.

    About facebook, that is a weapon designed to shoot yourself in the foot. It can only hurt your relationship, not help it. The in-between contact, be it by FB, text, voicemail, etc, only pushes him away. If he can read your newsletter in those forms any ole time he wants to, why should he look you up? If he misses you, he will look you up.

    If I were you, I’d either kill the facebook account or let it stagnate while starting a new one under a new name. Confuzzled Cookie is adorable!

    Wishing you the best…Brenda

  138.  #139Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 9:38 pm


    RE: #137 – Beautifully said! I do, too! In September, Rori had a free scripting seminar in Los Angeles. She gave us blog sirens first choice. How I wanted to go, but I couldn’t afford it!

  139.  #140ConfuzzledCookie on February 24, 2011 at 9:45 pm


    Wow! What a great analysis you’ve clearly made.
    I also considered making my account inactive but I feel like that’s way too extreme. I don’t want him to think any further psycho of me than what he already might. I want him to know it was just a (major) slip up on my part.

    I agree completely with what you’ve said here, “About facebook, that is a weapon designed to shoot yourself in the foot. It can only hurt your relationship, not help it. The in-between contact, be it by FB, text, voicemail, etc, only pushes him away. If he can read your newsletter in those forms any ole time he wants to, why should he look you up? If he misses you, he will look you up.”

    I just don’t want to send up any (more) red flags that might add too all the damage I’ve already done. I want him to come around after he’s completely cooled off.

    Thanks for the suggestions, and the reminder about the Stop sign, I’ve read it before but I obviously need to read it again, and again…

  140.  #141Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    124 Boomer

    yes, revelling is the word! I know im alive because of the pain. I built one of those doors Winnie talked about and finally let someone in and he dragged my heart out and loved it. i hate him for loving me, how dare he do that to me. how dare he seek me out, chase me down and despite my resistance and walls, love me, love me like im special or something, love me like im worthy of it.

    Argh feels so lame that I’m still crying. Sheesh I want to be done already. I feel impatient and harsh with myself. Like cmon already, you can bet he isnt shedding a tear. He probably has a new girlfriend already you stupid girl, and you are here boo hooing.

    What do you mean ‘already’ – he probably had one while he was with you, so he just jumped on that train without skipping a beat. *looks around for femenergylove’s pile of rocks*

    How pathetic, enough is enough. Everyone gets their heart broken what’s so special about you? nothing special, nothing to see here. Feels shamful to be publically emotional.

    my little girl liked getting to know that little boy but if im honest i pushed him away first because of the impossible distance, so he let me go, its just like LP said. ty LP for your wisdom once again.

  141.  #142Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm


    RE: #140 – YW. I need to read it again….and again…and again….too, along with LonePlum’s summary of dating in #7. I could do well to even memorize that! I miss him so much that I just think how could it be wrong to contact him? Then I embarrass myself and get myself hurt. Over and over. Ugh.

  142.  #143Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm


    RE: #141 – Please don’t put yourself down. The truth is, each ONE of us is special! Yes, you ARE special. You have infinite value. And your tears matter. Your pain is real, and it is significant.

    Hugs to you and tears with you ~ Brenda

  143.  #144Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 10:40 pm


    Did everyone get in her vote for today, Friday, February 25th? You can do one vote for Rori every day.

    I’d also like to encourage everyone to add a comment at that same link! Let’s give back to Rori after all she’s done to share her gift with us!

    Love, Brenda

  144.  #145Rori Raye on February 24, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    You guys are amazing…..I love you all, and everything going on here is just so filled with love….Thank you, Rori

  145.  #146Eternity on February 24, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Feeling ticked off. The most promising guy lives 6 hours away by car. I felt so excited by the profile then read where he lives. He said he’ll gladly drive down here to meet me. He is very masc energy from his profile. He wants to ‘invest solidly in a friendship first’.

    hm I feel suspicious. Is that a friendship with benefits?? or a friendship with a view to something more romantic?? Can you be friends and then move to be a romantic couple?? Never done that.

    Either way, I don’t want to get into another LDR, been there, done that. He sent me photos of his house and pool?? I feel a bit confused. Material things dont motivate me. I certainly dont need a man to buy that stuff for me. I have that stuff already dude. I wonder if they motivate him??

    Suspicious me thinks it’s a rental and he is just being a peacock and showing off. I want someone who is substantial not showy. I want someone to connect with my brain. hm

    Oh well, it’s not real til he is in front of me. So we’ll see. I feel a bit Sireny with him driving all that way. Feels like I have found a pair of Siren slippers and tried them on.

  146.  #147Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 11:30 pm


    RE; #139 – I meant I couldn’t afford the trip to California. Rori made the conference free, or maybe it was $50, I forget.

  147.  #148Brenda on February 24, 2011 at 11:53 pm


    RE: #147 – How about a reframe?

    “Feeling so excited! The most promising guy lives 6 hours away by car. I felt so excited by the profile then felt a lil disappointed to read where he lives. He said he’ll gladly drive down here to meet me. He is very masc energy from his profile. He wants to ‘invest solidly in a friendship first’.

    “hm I feel happy that he is forward-looking and apparently doesn’t want to just jump in the sack or rush to the altar.

    “I don’t want to get into another LDR, been there, done that. I feel scared, yet 6 hours isn’t as overwhelming as on the other side of the world. And he’s willing to come to me. He sent me photos of his house and pool!! I feel excited that I’ve apparently made contact with a man who has his life together! Material things don’t motivate me, but it’s nice to know he’s not living in Mom and Dad’s basement! I certainly appreciate it when a man provides for and protects me, and treats me like a lady.

    “It would feel so nice to marry a man who is so nicely set up! Every day will feel like a honey moon! I fantasize about moonlit nights, skinny dipping in his pool while the kids sleep! I want someone who is substantial, and I look forward to giving him a chance to show me his beautiful heart. I want someone to connect with my brain, heart, spirit, and soul. hm

    “Oh well, it’s not real til he is in front of me. So we’ll see. I feel a bit Sireny with him driving all that way. Feels like I have found a pair of Siren slippers and tried them on.”

  148.  #149Eternity on February 25, 2011 at 12:05 am


    *hugs Brenda* thank you, thank you, thank you! I just love the reframe. Yes, it is so true everything you wrote. It sounds wonderful, joyous and exciting.

    I feel so cared for by the reframe. You made my day. Thank you for caring enough to help me see the positive. I feel blessed. *hugs*

  149.  #150Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 12:10 am


    You’re welcome! I’m glad I made the day of a woman on the other side of the world! 🙂

  150.  #151Laughing Goddess on February 25, 2011 at 1:15 am

    I’m feeling sad. My power is out again. We had another big storm. I’m trying to stay positive and count my blessings.

    I have a fireplace and wood so I will stay warm.
    I’m so glad I stocked up on food today.
    I feel hopeful that it will be on when I wake up.
    I actually feel really optimistic that it will be on when I wake up.
    That would be great.
    The snow is beautiful.
    It’s cozy here.
    I’m really grateful for firewood.
    Spring is coming.
    This may be our last big storm.
    I’m happy that LI is here to help.
    It was fun stocking up today.
    I know own a snow shovel.
    I can do this.
    I can get thru this.
    I want to enjoy it.
    It’s an adventure
    Puppy was so cute playing in the snow with his buddy.
    All is well.
    This too will pass.
    I might as well enjoy it while it here.
    Snow like this doesn’t happen every day.
    The dogs had so much fun playing in the snow.
    Maybe I could follow their lead.
    Everything will be fine.
    I have so much support.
    I feel scared.
    There’s really nothing to be scared of.
    Maybe I will do some tapping.
    I’m thirsty.

  151.  #152Laughing Goddess on February 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

    What is the message in this.
    Universe, I need some perspective on this.
    Can I appreciate the experience?
    Can I embrace it?
    Can I love it?
    Can I have fun and keep my sense of humor?
    I’m going to try.
    I’m going To try to stay fun and enjoy this.
    Universe, I want to trust you.
    I trust that there is a reason for this.
    Please help me get through this with grace and ease.
    I wonder what great things will come from this?

  152.  #153Wonder Woman on February 25, 2011 at 2:45 am

    ConfuzzledCookie @ 120

    Your story resonates so much with me and the whole facebook thing is something I tortured myself with. In the past I used to delete guys almost immediately but then I would torture myself on whether or not I did the right thing. Now if I choose to keep them on my friends list and I am not in a great place and may be tempted to contact them I take them out of my newsfeed and hide my status updates from them because as was discussed on one of the previous threads it can be tempted to update the status to try and get the guys attention which is not authentic and even though it seems great at the time is not always the best thing to do.

    The important thing to remember is that you have to keep the focus on you….not on him. So if you feel like turning off the IM because that will help you then do it. Don’t be worried about what he will think. Do what you need to do to remain strong for you.

    When I first did this it took me several weeks to get strong around it but now I will even do things such as blocking facebook in my web browser privacy settings so I cannot access the site so I can get some space until I am able to go online without being tempted to contact or look him up.

    For me putting myself in a position where I can be tempted to make contact is more hurtful in the long run than making the decision to look after myself.

    What do you think? x

  153.  #154Wonder Woman on February 25, 2011 at 2:53 am

    ConfuzzledCookie @ 140

    I have mentioned before on the other thread but I have also gone as far as to deactivate my account (once for almost 6 months) and if it has been noticed I just said I needed some space to get my head clear or that I needed time to concentrate on other things depending on the situation.

    Please be kind and gentle with yourself. x

  154.  #155Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:01 am

    I feel so great I made some Sifferent choices and I felt good around Dman

    I noticed him putting me down several times and was able to communicate and compassion my own self judging And shame each time

    I felt great

    EsP at the end I made very diff choices and asked my mom for a ride…

    And stood up to drunk friend instead of getting ‘flooded’ and it worked

  155.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:32 am

    @95: Alonka says:

    “…Aren’t you waking up feeling that you are not stuck anymore? That all roads are open for you? Probably doesn’t feel as safe as being stuck, but so much more promising…”

    Wise words.


  156.  #157Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:38 am

    I see how it is a pattern of toxic communication we had gotten into

    Readiness to compete

    And how even tho be seems to contribute to it he doesn’t actually want me to feel bad

    I had so many aha moments

    I noticed when I felt ‘tight and locked up’

    And sent compassion, instantly everything felt better

    Over and over each time

    I complimented him, twice

    I remembered my og saying he said things to purposely trigger me – and took his talking about a girlfriend as that

    Omgosh he said she takescare of him and that’s what he likes – makes her a keeper basically

    How every other morning she shows up at hishpuse to give him 50 bucks ‘just in case you need it baby’

    I feel happy cuz now he’s experiencing what he thinks he wants

    Soon he’ll shift

    He still comes around me – more than other CDs even

    I feel powerful

    He wanted my approval on whether he’s better than before…

    He is

    I communicated I loved me, and he was like why?

    And I said I felt put down and it’s just me

    And he said he felt me and I felt heard… I communicated w feelings

    And eyeballs – betas look in the eye! I did it!

    He didn’t much

    I feel happy

    I communicated w feelings through the pattern to feeling heard

    And was able to flip

    Didn’t go to his house After. I was turned off by his speech about his gf

    But just feel at peace – wanted by him yet glad he’s taking his experiences and growing

    Excited cuz soon he’ll have a car and more to give

    I had to let go – I thought it made me weak to let a past man go but I just opened my clenched fists and found myself free from feeding into him and free from getting tight and locked…

    And from competing w him

    Wow how much I do/did that as an alpha

  157.  #158Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:43 am

    He kept trying to ask what guys ate calling me and even answered my phone… But I talked on it… Yay and felt flattered.

    Ohhh and at one point he came and hugged on me… That felt nice

    It was after he got on the phone w his gf… So I could really remember og say he’s playing w my ferlings on purpose

    But I know blaming won’t help, ge doesn’t want me sad… Thinks he does. He just wants me to like him more an doing what he can – I know I’ve done it,

    Well this time I was able to keep lifting my vibe so our whole interaction felt positive and I feel good and excited about my boundaries, feeling messages, tools and attraction

  158.  #159Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:46 am

    He reminds me of my dad

    Really great practice tonite

    I feel like even tho it Diesnt look like it… Were laying the foundatiOn of a great relationship… Communication and my able to validate myself … Will inspire him

  159.  #160Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 4:07 am

    @119: Eternity says:

    “…I’m struggling with letting the last bit of him go. I don’t want to lean forward any more that’s not it. But when I think about totally letting him go, in my own mind, I just dissolve into tears to think he’s gone forever…”

    These wise words from Rori might be helpful to you:

    Rori excerpt —

    “…So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.” It’s just not a viable image…”

    SLV — IMHO, don’t use energy and cause yourself pain by “trying to forget him.” Just let him be right where he is, still on the planet. Turn your focus to yourself, fling him up on your horse behind you and ride on. Note you are looking forward not backward at him…he can sit on the horse and look at your back if he wants to… maybe he’ll eventually fall off…maybe not. Whatever he does, it’s no longer your concern.

    OK, here’s the full post, one of my favorites…

    One more time… 😀

    Rori Raye:

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”


  160.  #161Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 4:43 am


    Me too…the voting and the sleep deprivation. I can vote for Rori on my computer and on my phone. 🙂

    Sometimes I just want to turn FB off, too. I woke up to find a pic of P on my newsfeed and I’m making up all kinds of stories about why he was three states away helping his female best friend/former gf with home repairs when he told me he was going to help his MOM with home repairs. (friend and mom live about 30 minutes apart). I find it hard to believe that he helped both of them over the course of a 3 day weekend.

    I put that new info together with the fact that he told me that he ran into a snag with his conscience (for him, this means he has done something contrary to his moral code…usually sex) and wondering if he had sex with her.

    Not so much looking forward to his visit this coming Saturday night now.

    I need to release the stories that I’m making up. Why do I torture myself. I feel like I have taken 3 steps backwards and am obsessing about him again.

    On the other hand, I had a date with PoetryMan yesterday. Sadly, he’s probably 2 inches shorter than me, I felt like an amazon. 🙁 Though, I received a text from him in the middle of the night that said, “I am all yours!” Hmmm, what? I didn’t respond, because I have no idea what he’s talking about. “I am all yours”? Really, we just met!

    Weird, now I’m all keyed up. Made myself a wonderful caramel latte. Will savor that and head back to bed cuz my weekend starts today.

    Happy Friday Sirens!

  161.  #162Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 5:11 am

    State of the “late starting weekend.” — (I like to start weekends on Thursday) …

    Voted for Rori again and trying to get my vibe back up to normal…it’s not there yet but fortunately I know enough about myself to know my vibe will return…eventually. End of next week, I hope will bring better days.

    In the meantime, I’ve got Soulmate podcasts to prime the pump so to speak and books and DVDs and big ole stash of yarn. If I’m feeling techy maybe I’ll try to figure out that device I got as Christmas gift, some music little video watching whatever, looks like a phone? Still in box.

    I got the film Lucy mentioned” Definitely, Maybe” and blueberries instead of buttered popcorn… LOL 😆

    Also yesterday got bunch of office supplies and papers: paper for printer, legal pads for random thoughts and planning, composition books for journaling, neat graph paper for body work notes and details, yea! I’m happiest with writing instruments in hand and lots of paper…. I love hard copies!


  162.  #163Lori on February 25, 2011 at 5:27 am


    I hope you feel better soon…

  163.  #164Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 5:57 am

    RE 163 “I’m am all yours”. I’m all wrapped up in your positive vibes?

  164.  #165Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 6:04 am

    Thanks, FW – that feels a lot better than “I belong to you and am now your responsiblity. My happiness depends on you.” That’s what I heard and, as I type that, I realize that is a huge, pressure-laden message from my ex-h that has been laying dormant. I’m glad to know that is the fear that is sitting underneath my desire for intimacy…possibly blocking it. I like your interpretation so much better.

  165.  #166Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Here is this month’s tip from Vincent Van Gogh:

    “I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.”

    This can be a challenge – especially when you are feeling insecure or suffering from heartbreak. At such times it can not only be hard to love others but also difficult to love yourself.

    It’s important that you don’t fall into self-destructive behaviors in an effort to make yourself feel better. If you do, you will be caught in a catch-22 and you will end up feeling even worse than you did before.

  166.  #167Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 6:15 am

    Virginia Feingold: her opinion of Valentines day – love on demand is not very romantic

    We have all have some self-destructive behaviors that we struggled to change. But why is it so hard? What makes them hang so tenaciously?

    Your “bad” behaviors are a distraction and they help you to suppress and avoid your unwanted emotions. I understand that sometimes you would rather not feel, but at some point you have to acknowledge you’re feelings so you can take care of yourself. Bad behaviors can become a habit and then they turn into a substitute for love, comfort and gratification.
    Here are some great ways to give yourself some “love” that are natural and ultimately much more satisfying for your soul.
    1. Breathe deeply; go outside, open your windows, take a walk through the neighborhood.
    2. Connect with a friend that might need to hear from you. Check in with someone who you know has been going through a hard time.
    3. Clean out the old; clothes, toys, electronics, paperwork. Recycle or give things away to charity.
    4. Shop at your farmer’s market; meet the people who grow the food and enjoy preparing and eating the seasonal produce.
    5. Take a drive or a bike ride; explore an area where you’ve never been. A change of scene will open your eyes to new possibilities.
    6. Make something; a necklace, a painting, a scarf, a loaf of bread.
    7. Daydream; listen to music, meditate, or nap in the middle of the day.
    8. Ask for help! If you need support, ask God, your coach, a friend, your mother. Don’t be afraid of looking weak or needy; we all need someone or something to lean on in times of trouble.
    As you take care of yourself emotionally, your self-destructive behaviors will diminish, and you may find they even disappear.

  167.  #168Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Thought for the day

    Mind management should be one of your top priorities. Don’t justify failure another day; refuse to stay bogged down; stop placing blame on others. Instead circle today’s date on your calendar and declare that the best days of your life are beginning-right now!

  168.  #169Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 6:27 am


    Yes, I’m pretty good with the self-destructive detective (stalking) work as well. However, this time, I wasn’t looking for anything…it was right there on my newsfeed. AND, he didn’t have to call me, after a not speaking with me for a month, to tell me that he was going to his mom’s for the weekend. I can’t help wondering, “why the half-truths?” Am I really that scary? I have never expressed any concerns about his best friend…one of my best friends is male and I understand that sometimes it just works out that way. I wish he hadn’t said anything…or told the truth. Ah well, I don’t know that it is anything more than innocent (aside from the half-truth…which is enough to taint my opinion of him).

    Gonna try and shake it and just have fun with him tomorrow night. He will now that I’ve seen the picture and he can decide to explain it or not. Either way, ultimately, it is just data – facts that inform me as to whether he is the man for me or not. Even if he isn’t – that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little snuggle-time without expectations.

    Just wondering if I’m deceiving my own heart thinking I can keep emotions separate from snuggles.

    We shall see.

  169.  #170Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 6:29 am


    Hope you feel better every day. Can you work from home?

  170.  #171Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 6:34 am

    RE 172 Pamelala “why the half-truths?” Am I really that scary?”

    I would take it that he is starting to feel safe with me. Also if that is who he is you want him to be himself around you. Remember that everything comes up in the presence of love. Intimacy brings up a lot of buried stuff.

  171.  #172Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 6:39 am


    Wow, I thought you and I were somewhat similar with respect to dating patterns, but reading your last post I realized that we are not. I have absolutely no detective urge to find out the ‘truth’ for some reason. I take the ‘truth’ to be the thing I am told by a guy. I think highly of them, unless I am repeatedly proven wrong (and I do nothing to find out the proof, this idea never comes to my mind). if I ‘suspect’ something, I feel terrible till I talk to them and resolve. If course, afterward I may feel terrible too, but for a diff reason;)

    I hate to suspect, I want to give and be given the benefit of a doubt. I want to trust and be trusted.

  172.  #173Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 6:41 am

    Thanks for the reframe, FW.

    I’m letting it go, now, and just gonna have fun tomorrow night. Dwelling on half-truths don’t feel good and I want to feel good with him. I choose to understand that he can make his own choices and accusing him won’t draw him to me. I choose to be open. I choose to honor myself and honor him as two individuals who are on a journey…doing the best we can.

    Think I’m gonna get a mani/pedi today!

  173.  #174Lori on February 25, 2011 at 6:44 am

    I am a bad, evil, power abusing siren. : )

    Last night I had a date with a pretty arrogant powerful CEO man and managed to turn him to a mushy, desperate sailor throwing himself on the rocks trying to get to siren island about halfway through the date. I used the “I’m all that” tool and maintained direct eye contact while he was talking and kept thinking “I am the air that you need to breathe.” I enjoyed every moment of him going from arrogant to mush around me….

    He’s separated and not yet divorced, so he really has nothing to offer me at the moment. It’s easy to be a siren around the ones I don’t like or I know can’t offer me what I want. Now if I could be like that with IntenseChemistryGuy instead of letting my insides turn to mush around him, I’d really be making some progress.

  174.  #175Lori on February 25, 2011 at 6:55 am


    I love that visual! It was so much fun to watch it happening. The guy went from just wanting to be friends and not sure how much time he’d be able to free up for me to practially begging me to give him any of my free time I could spare!

  175.  #176Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Hi Alonka,

    Honestly, I use my detective skills for good, not evil. I am an amateur geneologist and love a good mystery. My “stalking” is very benign – I don’t go looking for info or dirt on anyone. I basically just go get a ‘fix’ by looking at a guys handsome, smiling face.

    I have not, in the past, been very trusting in relationship because everyone I’ve ever been with has betrayed me (ahhh, the joys of loving sex addicts). But, I’ve done a lot of internal work and healing and chose to walk into this relationship with a new perspective, one of trust and 100% openness. In our case, he was the one still reeling from being hurt and was closed off and fearing betrayal.

    Anyway, that issue aside, I wasn’t suspicious at all re: this trip. I was living my life, leaning back, not talking to him at all. He called, told me half the story, and then this picture popped up on my newsfeed this morning of him at her house with a big description of how he came to her house for the weekend and built out a closet and pantry. That, combined with his declaration, by text, the other night that he was having issues with his conscience, caused me to wonder what the heck is going on.

    He handed me several unsolicited pieces to a puzzle. She handed others. I am tempted to put the pieces together, but know that the picture will still remain unclear. So, I’m going to just live with the ambiguity…though I am upset that the ambiguity has been thrust upon me and I was perfectly content before his call last Fri and subsequent texts offering info I didn’t ask for. So weird.


  176.  #177Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 6:56 am


    Ultimately, it has nothing to do with me…so, I’m gonna be a siren today, take care of myself by refilling perscriptions, getting a mani/pedi and hanging out with my girls tonight at a wine/cheese party!

  177.  #178Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:03 am

    My note from the Universe today, thanks Mike Dooley

    The thing about making it big, and doing it fast, is that invariably the first steps will be small and slow.

    Which oddly, for many, is the same reason they don’t take them.

    You know better, huh?

    Huh, huh, huh?
    The Universe

    With enough little, bitty steps you’re going to have to decide really soon about what you’ll want for yourself after you get your Future Dream Husband.

  178.  #179tinque on February 25, 2011 at 7:06 am

    femenrgylove – It seems as though your questions were answered and that you got through your “moment”, yet I want underscore this; calling him and stating your “truth” won’t make you feel better. You will have all of your painful emotions stirred up again, and he won’t respond in a way that feels satisfying to you if he responds at all which will keep this cycle you’ve been in going.

    Remember, closure is overrated, often altogether useless.


  179.  #180Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 7:13 am


    Yes, I hear you and perhaps if it were me would consider talking to him about this when I see him.

    I feel that with my ex I could be more savy in asking questions and showing what I don’t want or disagree with. ironically, even they feel better being understood, whatever their intentions are.

  180.  #181Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 7:19 am


    Yes, #185 is very true. Any tips on stop feeling like a loser on and off:) -?

    On the other hand, I take pride in staying true to myself, not pretending to be someone else, not trying to out-game him, being speechless when I sensed insincerity, not complaining in our last conversation, not being aggressive, letting him go with ‘thanks for everything, all the best’ last words.

  181.  #182Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:23 am

    RE 187 Alonka what is your true self? Is it the one in your body or the one in your mind? Do you think you can deconstruct the old beliefs to shift into being a new self?

  182.  #183Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 7:24 am

    #186 Alonka – I get what you’re saying about talking to him about it. But I have a desire for our first time back together to be fun. I don’t want to bog it down with yet another relationship, misunderstanding, or ‘this is what I need from you’ type of discussion. I just want to have fun and laugh together.

    For me, its a conscious choice to accept and overlook things that, in the long run, don’t matter if things don’t work out between us. If things do work out or if my interaction with him is hindered by this situation, then I would want to address it. But, in this moment, it is more important to me that we have some laughs together rather than have another ‘depth’ conversation that so marked the last 4 months of our interactions.

    What do you all think? Is it OK to delay a conversation in favor of having some fun? I don’t feel like I’m betraying myself by doing so, at all…but I could be deceiving myself.

    Open to hearing your thoughts.

  183.  #184Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 7:26 am

    #188 – I don’t understand. I don’t feel a contradiction. Why do I need to become someone new?

  184.  #185Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:29 am

    RE 180 Pamelala I agree with you. Fun is more important to create good experiences. Sometimes we get the idea that we are entitled to what we want so we unconsciously shift our vibe to wanting from the guy rather than focus on having fun not knowing that is the way to actually get what you want. The other way IMHO is being in your head rather than in your body.

    Also remember nobody really likes to have “the talk”. It focusses on the past, that does not exist and makes guys want to run for the hills. You don’t “need” anything from him, not even closure. You have the power to take care of your own needs.

  185.  #186tinque on February 25, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Alonka – I would ask you why you feel like a loser. It sounds to me like you’re doing great, especially when compared to a few days ago.

    By the way I’m impressed that you are not prone to snooping. Most women are, and it’s such a tough habit to break once you’ve succumbed.

    Trusting until you’ve been given reason not to is a wonderful way to go.


  186.  #187Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Pam #189:

    I choose fun.

    See, we all here don’t really know enough about each other relationships and we are not the ones living them. We all learn here, but apply this knowledge differently. We are not guaranteed from new mistakes;) We are just trying to pick up the right ‘vibe’ here. It still may or may not work to preserve a relationship we are in right now.

  187.  #188SummerBaby on February 25, 2011 at 7:41 am

    How much of our feelings are we supposed to show to men around us?

    Mine are flooding out like waterworks lately. I have become so emotional in the last few days, that I will be talking about something, usually one of my children, and suddenly start to cry.

    I am surprised at the tears, because I haven’t cried like this since I was a child. It’s like someone flips a switch or more appropriately, turns on the faucet. I am normally stoic and tough and most people think I have it all together. (if they only knew)

    What do I do if I start crying in front of a man? My normal reaction to tears in front of others is to try to stop them and apologize for being emotional.

    Is this part of stuffing? I feel like the dam is about to burst and there’s a flood of emotions about to come pouring out.

    I have often been told in the long past, “you’re too sensitive!” like crying was a bad thing that made everyone uncomfortable. I’ve worked at controlling it, so I’m really uncertain about releasing this aspect of myself all over again. I do not want to be judged for allowing myself to feel emotions that cause me to cry.

    Any perspective on this?


  188.  #189Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 7:41 am


    Thanks;) I feel like a loser because I’m still thinking sometimes what I could have done differently to get a better outcome.

    I know that before I called him last time I was thinking how he could treat me that way and how I am now learning about his true self. Different state of mind, right? But then I remembered how nice and warm he was with me and I wanted to give him some love.. and I called.

  189.  #190Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 7:47 am

    FW – Yes! Fun is where it’s at. Building experiences creates bonding. Laughter is healing. Ultimately, I’m fine wherever the chips fall…and that is really freeing!

  190.  #191Kristine on February 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Closure is so overrated…we are sirens and desirable and beautiful in our own each individual way. We don’t have to take crumbs from any man…There is a man that will do anything for us and give us his world and we will know when he is it. My advice CD and don’t waste your time on a man that you cannot live with something about him, I guess something on your NO NO list 🙂 Have a wonderful day:)

  191.  #192tinque on February 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Alonka – What’s passed is past. What ifs are not very helpful. You can only move forward with what you no know. It’s all learning and growing experiences which lead to a fuller, richer you.


  192.  #193Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:50 am

    RE 190 A relationship is a crucible in which we can become our best self. My belief is that if I am already my best self I don’t need partnership. Since coming to this forum and looking at what a cd said about me I have changed a lot because of the feedback I got and what I wanted for myself.

  193.  #194tinque on February 25, 2011 at 7:51 am

    SummerBaby – I think your tears are fabulous. Please don’t shove them back in. If you are having an enormous release, let it happen. To stuff will only come out in other likely destructive ways, or it will eat at you and fester, rotting you from the inside out.

    If someone can’t handle tears, do you really want this kind of person around you.

    Tears are a sign of strength and courage, quite the opposite of weak.


  194.  #195Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:53 am

    RE 197 I am like a turtle slowly crawling my way to that Pamelala.

  195.  #196Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 7:54 am


    You’re at such a beautiful place…your true self is emerging. The you (child) that existed before anyone told you that you were too sensitive, is being welcomed back to the world.

    I want to encourage you to feel your feelings…let them flow and they won’t be so uncontrollable. However, feeling such love for your children that you are brought to tears is a beautiful thing…don’t fight that. I believe that men find our softness alluring. Let him see the soft you….

    I remember the first few weeks that I was with P I was continually overwhelmed by his kindness…something I had never experienced from a man before. He was brush his hand across my cheek while looking into my eyes and I would just burst into tears. He would hold me and ask what that’s about and I would just say that my hardened heart was healing…that I’d never been treated with gentleness and that’s the only way I knew how to respond…grateful, surprising tears.

    I found them lovely.

    I believe that apologizing for having feelings and expressing them is all about shame. That makes me feel sad for you, though I can relate.

    Sending you healing hugs and standing with you in the strength it takes to feel your feelings, own your emotions and be a girl. <3

    You are totally normal….once you begin to feel, the emotions feel overwhelming. But at some point, balance is restored. You've swung from one extreme to the other….you can't live in the extremes for long. Just believe that for yourself. It will be OK.

  196.  #197Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Funny, “loser” is a term guys tend to use to describe themselves and we use it about them also.

  197.  #198femenergylove on February 25, 2011 at 7:58 am

    so i got an sms from him..
    “sorry for my childish bad behaviour the other night.and sorry for taking so long to write you.but i feel not to be able to give you what you expect from me”

    i’m stunned..but calm.i have not responded.he has told me how he feels and i accept it.
    i feel there is no better answer than silence.becasue i gave him my speech about what i feel i need in a relationship.and he feels he cannot give it to me.and that is his answer.

    years ago i would have asked what do you think i expect from you?or take your time and figure it out.but now..i’m so calm inside…am i cold?or am i just in shock and will crack up in a few?
    so do i go out tonight?
    or curl up in my room nice and warm with a book.


  198.  #199Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 8:00 am

    #196 Knocksoftly

    I totally agree. I have strong intuition as well…which seems to be growing stronger by the day to the point that I’ve begun having visions of things that are about to happen…that’s kind of scary.

    Anyway, yes, I’m with you. My gut will tell me if it’s something that needs to be talked about.

    Also, just to clarify, SHE posted the pics and tagged him in them which is how they ended up on my newsfeed…he won’t get on FB til later tonight, so I’m sure he doesn’t know they’re on there.

  199.  #200Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:06 am

    RE 194 Summerbaby recently that happened to me in front of two male colleagues.

    I said I was getting emotional in the meeting with a masculine energy man and a female. The maculine energy man jumped up, offered me chocolate and said he did not know I was so sensitive. He said he is there to protect me and I should know that I will be okay with him. He came back later to comfort and check if I was okay. I was really surprised because I decided years ago that I would never cry in the workplace because of a negative experience with a female supervisor.

    The other one is masculine but explores his feminine side quite comfortable and he is secure in himself. He also says he feels safe around me. He told me that tears are like washing the soul and that he does it all the time. Especially when things aren’t going well between him and his wife.

    A younger guy who I have written about on here before shared with me that he is separated and not divorced but he has a girlfriend. He said he does not like when she gets emotional because she cries too much. I got the sense that he felt she was like that because she was not clear on where she stood in the relationship and he felt like running away from it. My opinion of him because of things that he has shared with me, is that he is immature. Not a judgement, but the stage he is at in his life and development.

    My point here is that guys are at different stages of their lives and different maturity levesl so different ones will respond differently. My experience is that mature men are not put off by crying. As a matter of fact now that I am thinking about it, I started sharing some childhood memories with another one some time ago and this triggered him sharing too and I was worried that he was going to start crying.

  200.  #201Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:08 am

    RE 206 I would take it as a part of me that he helped me to identify and she is now showing up.

  201.  #202Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 8:11 am

    #206: I feel it’s much better not to respond and leave this hanging.

    Don’t go out to show off that you are ‘alright’, go out if you feel like it. Do what you feel like doing, stay true to yourself.

  202.  #203SummerBaby on February 25, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Thank you Tinque and Pamelala,

    I guess I just let myself get hardened by years of ridicule for letting my feelings show that I learned to hide them from everyone, including me.

    Now that I’m exploring them – and this all started some 5 or 6 years ago when a friend asked me what makes you happy and I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know – they are leaking out all over the place.

    Yes, I’ve been ashamed. I was raised with shame as a tool to keep me in line and it was reinforced over the years with various forms of abuse and I believed I deserved all the ill treatment I got because I was evil and needed to be ashamed.

    I finally put an end to my toxic marriage and took responsibility for my own happiness, and began a long discovery and mission to “fix me”.

    Recently getting to a place where I’m daring to start believing that there is nothing to fix and that I am perfect as I am. If that’s not scary, I don’t know what is. I feel like I’m stepping into an abyss of unknown, unfamiliar and it’s scary to trust me – that I will be able to navigate in this new territory.

    No wonder my heart rhythms have been so irregular. I think about all the horrible things I came to believe about myself based on the dysfunctional unhappy adults that raised me the best they could – it’s a wonder I didn’t kill myself as a teen when I truly contemplated it.

    But I discovered I really LIKE living. I get so excited just sitting in the sunshine and closing my eyes and feeling its warmth beaming on my face. I can feel the energy pulse through my body and it’s a fabulous feeling.

    I guess I feel like or maybe I think that if I were to just get to really open up these blockages, I could release all that potential that I know I possess but am too afraid to act on.

    All those conflicting messages…. you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it followed by, don’t get too big for your britches or who do you think you are…

    what a pile of stuff…


  203.  #204SummerBaby on February 25, 2011 at 8:20 am


    thank you for your input. Yes, I guess how they react will depend on where they are at maturity wise.

    I guess I am afraid because I know some men see tears as a manipulation tool. And right now, I know that when I start to cry, it’s just a release valve for built up emotions under pressure.


  204.  #205SummerBaby on February 25, 2011 at 8:24 am

    and Pamelala,

    I love your name… makes me want to add lala at the end of everyone’s name,

    Tinquelala, SLVlala, FWlala, summerbabylala…

    lol, a recent cd told me that one of his list items for a relationship candidate is that she can’t have a name that ends in A…. and actually, mine does. So it’s pretty funny.

    Rorilala…. maybe I will end every sentence today with lala.

    She’s a rainbow (rolling stones) ooh la la ooh la la la ooh la la la!


  205.  #206Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

    @165: Lori

    I’m getting some good vibes from the Soulmate series.

    Hugs. 😀


  206.  #207Prairie Girl on February 25, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I can so relate to this… I do the same thing… I’ve been told my whole life “your too sensitive’…
    I’m just going with it… I feel… I feel… it’s going on and on in my head over and over … then I try and say it…

    Be exactly who/were you are when you are there I say… identify the feeling… “I feel so overcome w/love for my children… I feel so blessed”… or whatever it is… let yourself feel I say… You are a Siren… and we are very very feeling filled… It’s our alure…right? (moment of self doubt…lol)

    lawmanCB is like textbook RR… he said last night (i’m so sleep deprived I can hardly type from him staying on the phone just to hear me talk … or breathe… he hears every sigh… and is moved by every giggle…) tonight he has a pre existing sleep over date with the girl from earlier this week so I can get some sleep…

    Anyway… he told me that he can’t stay away from hearing me talk… he loves the way HE feels when I talk.. I’m so “passionate” about what I feel… it makes him feel special…

    He told me he had to “break up” with his thur pm regular… he and a local girl had a standing date…dinner and kissing/making out… no sex.. .he didn’t want to fall in love w/her or her him.. but she started calling/texting/emailing 20 times a his words DEMANDING that he call/write back.. he said he always wrote/called back but it might be the next day when he wasn’t busy… she kept on (we can all relate) and he told her to lose his number..

    I’ve only texted first once.. that time I was sad..

    This chit works… use your powers wisely Sirens…
    Angels on your bodies.

  207.  #208Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:32 am

    @169: Femininewoman

    That’s a good list of “feel good” things. I normally do all that stuff. Yea!

    Plus, I concentrate on “exploring” — my all-time favorite activity and when I find something, usually through serendipty, I’ll dig into it further. Somehow Edith Wharton came up the other day and now I’ve reserved a bio to check her out a little more.

    Just remembered, Edith Wharton… “The Buccaneers”… tee hee 😆


  208.  #209Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:34 am

    @171: knocksoftly
    Yes! I always liked “Back to school” too, the anticipation of something new.


  209.  #210Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:40 am

    From Emily McKay – X&Y Communications

    I couldn’t help but start thinking about WHY so many of us as women can’t seem to get past the pain. I mean, how is it that some women can endure itense hardship or even abuse–sometimes over the course of years–and STILL bounce back from it and find a great man?

    Meanwhile, some other women seem to let even a relatively minor “roadblock” in their dating lives set them back YEARS or even DECADES from traveling the road to relationship bliss with a great man.

    Now, I realize there’s a HUGE chance that I may be touching your heart in a very sensitive way with what I’m saying. But remember always, I’m completely committed to doing what I can to empower you to experience all the love, joy and
    happiness you can carry. I’m definitely not under any pretense that one small newsletter like this is going to sweep away years of hurt.

    But if I can give you just one or two small rays of light to guide you just a bit further along the road to happiness today, my words will not have been in vain, right?

    So that said, here are a few ideas that may help you move from being AFRAID of the potential negative outcomes of getting into a relationship.

    After all, wouldn’t it be great to BOLDLY and COURAGEOUSLY live and love with all of your heart in full expectation of a positive outcome?

    1) It’s Not Really “Us vs. Them”

    When things don’t go the way we had hoped in a relationship, it’s disarmingly easy to pass blame on to the guy, isn’t it?

    And hey…maybe he did indeed disappoint you. If that’s the case, you have every reason to be upset.

    But that doesn’t mean that ALL men are “the enemy”. The battle cry of the woman who has lost all control over her dating life is typically, “All men are the SAME…and they’re ALL JERKS.”

    How can you expect to attract a great man who RESPECTS women (and you in particular) if you expect the WORST from any man you meet?

    The truth is that there are black-hearted souls and hearts of gold to be found in EITHER gender.

    Need proof? Just ask Scot. He gets e-mails from men ALL DAY long who have been hurt by a woman and have allowed themselves to believe that ALL women are hurtful. So above all…remember that we’re ALL human. Some of us are female humans, and others are male.

    And unfortunately, that also means that the “Us vs. Them” mentality isn’t a gender-specific one, ironically enough. That alone is excellent food for thought. That brings us to the next point…

    2) One Doesn’t Speak For All

    Like the first point above, this one speaks to GENERALIZATIONS we tend to make about MOTOS (members of the opposite sex) having experienced pain in our relationships with them.

    But as the first point focuses on how we perceive the opposite gender, this one is sort of the “flip side”: How WE think THEY perceive us.

    Now, like the point above (and the next three that follow, actually) this one is NOT gender-specific either.

    To wit, here’s an example from Scot’s coaching files. One day a guy called him up who was feeling down on himself because of a self-perceived fault, or “limiting belief” as Scot calls it. The guy had allowed himself to believe that this one “problem” caused him to be universally unattractive to women in general.

    As it turns out, he had asked a woman out who not only turned him down, but openly verbalized her reason for turning him down as that one aspect of himself that he felt most self-conscious about.

    The result? This experience galvanized the guy’s thinking that ALL women must find him repulsive…for the exact reason he found HIMSELF
    repulsive. The guy had not asked another woman out since this fateful event occurred.

    It had been TEN YEARS. That’s ten years of loneliness, in case it wasn’t obvious. As it turns out, Scot was able to demonstrate to the guy that one
    woman’s opinion was NOT representative of all women’s collective taste in men. Wthin a very short amount of time, he was happily interacting with women and dating again.

    Has someone you were attracted to said something very hurtful to you in the past that caused you believe you won’t find love? Remember…that’s only ONE person’s opinion. And to let that ONE opinion shape your entire belief system about your self is
    tantamount to giving that person SUPERPOWERS over you.

    And believe me, that kind of power doesn’t deserve to be bestowed upon ANYONE…let alone someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, right?

    3) Is Your Perception The Same As Everyone Else’s?

    Just like in the example above, how we see our-elves isn’t always in line with how the rest of the world sees us. After all, one of the miracles of life is that we see the world through our own eyes and not someone else’s.

    That means that we’re intimately familiar with our faults, our fears, our mistakes and, yes…our darkest thoughts. This can cause us to feel shame, which leads to “fear of being found out”. But in the midst of all this, it’s all-too-easy to forget that
    EVERYONE ELSE shares this “human condition”.
    We look around and see the outward appearance that others want us to see. We can’t possibly see what THEY are wrestling with from within.

    So the challenge is this: Can you step outside of your own being and attempt to see yourself as others see you? Maybe your mistakes and your faults aren’t so bad (if bad at all, even) to someone else. Think I’m being a bit too optimistic here?

    How about this…

    A couple of weeks after Scot and I met, he confided in me that right after his divorce he believed that NO WOMAN would possibly want to get into a relationship with him if they found out a certain thing about his ex-wife.

    Not only did he find that to be an IRRATIONAL thought, he found a woman (that’s me!) who could DIRECTLY RELATE, having experienced the exact same thing.

    That actually helped Scot and I to have a STRONGER relationship.

    4) No Risk, No Reward

    Certainly, when we experience something painful the last thing we want to do is go through it all over again. So when a relationship causes us pain, our first impulse is, well, not to get into any more relationships. But here’s the problem.

    Sure, we can AVOID the pain associated with dating, guys and relationships that way…but we also COMPLETELY ELIMINATE any chance at having a HAPPY relationship.

    The quandary we end up with a bad breakup or hurtful experience is whether we believe the potential REWARD of starting over with someone else is worth the RISK of more pain. If you believe it IS worth the risk, you have a chance at having a
    great relationship sooner than later…regardless of what pain you’ve experienced in the past.

    But if you DON’T take that risk, you pretty much have ZERO chance. The “x-factor” for most women is how much focus and attention they give to the pain they’ve experienced as opposed to making a
    conscious effort to put it out of their mind.

    Do you, in some weird twisted way actually LOVE the fear that the pain has caused you…perhaps because it makes you feel “safe” from future harm? Begin to see your pain-induced fear as the OBTACLE it truly is, and that may be the motivation you need to give love another shot.

    5) “Safety” May Not Really Be So “Safe”

    Here is the most poignant point of all, perhaps. The best way I know to illustrate it is to, again, give you an example.

    Coincidentally, this example also comes from a guy…further making the point that what we’re talking about today is commonly faced by both men AND women.

    We got an e-mail from a guy wherein he recalled an event in his
    pre-teen years that caused him to grow bitter toward all women in

    Since then, he had been unable to even talk to a woman…let alone ask her out or get into a healthy relationship with her. Ever.

    He is now 79 years old.

    By his own estimation, he had been “protecting” himself from pain for all these years. But now he couldn’t help but look back on his life and realize what he’s missed out on. Only now–after all these years–does he finally feel ready to take the kind of risk mentioned above.

    But the inevitable question is a rhetorical one: Did his life-long attempt to protect himself from pain really keep him “safe”? Like I said, I don’t expect this one newsletter alone to transform a long-standing habit of fear into a bold new courageous mindset.

    But wow…I have a heartfelt trust that you are encouraged and empowered more now than before–even if you’re already boldly going after the happiness you want in life.

    Every step towards embracing the wonderful, magical possibilities a new relationship might hold is one you’re likely to NOT regret making.

    After years of experiencing the range of human emotion myself when it comes to dating, men and relationships I believe now more than ver that the reward of a great relationship with a terrific man
    will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS outweigh the “risk”.

    Have Fun,

  210.  #211Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:44 am

    RE 215 PG it’s like a holiday. You look forward to it and cherish the memories because you don’t get to do it all the time.

  211.  #212Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

    @173: Alonka says:
    “…Hope you feel better every day. Can you work from home?…”

    I decided in January not to return to part-time job from (extended and unpaid, leave) last summer but not to early retire either. I’ll probably never “retire.” I think making an income by being me is the way to go; I’m figuring that out as I go. Hahaha. 😀

    Actually I’ve usually lived that way anyhow. I live on very little money. It might sound strange but I think that fact helps keep me fearless, knowing I can not only survive but be very happy no matter what.


  212.  #213Alicia on February 25, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Can we paste a link to the vote?

  213.  #214Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:47 am

    RE 212 Summerbaby “I guess I am afraid because I know some men see tears as a manipulation tool.”

    I would focus on that fear. I wonder what their tears are about? I thought it was part of being human.

  214.  #215Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:48 am

    RE 221 it is in the body of Article.

  215.  #216Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:49 am

    I don’t know whether you are or not but I’m a sleuth, a real “Harriet the Spy.” I do it for fun; I don’t believe I’m psycho stalker. LOL 😆


  216.  #217Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:50 am

    @Pamelala, I don’t mean to imply that you or anyone else is a psycho stalker either… in case what I posted came out kind of strange… 😳


  217.  #218Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 8:53 am

    All this talk about sensitivity lead me to look up some quotes by my favorite, “overly sensitive” author, Anne Lamott.

    I was looking for a specific quote that makes me feel like a kindred overly-sensitive spirit and I think many of you will be able to relate. But I had to share this one, first…

    “She told me to feel my feelings. I did. They felt like sh8t.”

    lol yup

  218.  #219Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:54 am

    femenergy He said “what you expect” from me. There is a message in there I believe. Check you attitude, your tone, your body language, your vibe for entitlement belief, maybe? I know we want what we want and we deserve it but I believe we have to guard ourselves from the entitlement vibe as they might feel it as “I am entitled to it from you”.

  219.  #220Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Pamelala Carol Allen says something about some women being more sensitive than others and that there is nothing wrong with it. I have to review but I think she said it had to do with our skins or DNA and it is said that children are told that.

  220.  #221Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 8:57 am


    Once again, as I’ve recently learned, dating = “dating gathering.”


  221.  #222Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Lucy – we gota trust that their actions… Including not coming close right now… Are for the best of our relationship

    As that’s is their action and thinking… The drunk lion wants to sober up first

    The confused lion wants to be pampered and see if he wants to live that… He’s waiting on himself to transform

    Just like me, CDing so that I can transform into a woman who can handle relationship

    Patient w self …

    This is great stuff I’m saying today!

  222.  #223Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 9:07 am

    “Early on, I knew I had a gift, I was shy, awkward, too smart, and overly sensitive. Being here on earth was not a good match for me.” ~ Anne Lamott

    I have always been told that I was overly sensitive…I embrace it now. It is what makes me see beauty in everything. It is what causes me to love everyone who stands before me everyday. I love my sensitivity…I spent so much of my life trying to become number and to not feel. I’m thankful that my sensitivity has been redeemed. 🙂

  223.  #224Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Wow Daria thanks for that.

  224.  #225Luzydel on February 25, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I feel relaxed today, things are resolving and I am leaning wayyy back. Everytime I feel the urge to know about him, I think of something funny. This morning my yorkiepoo dog, ran away after I open the door to leave, he was expecting me to run after him, but I stayed still and waited, then the fur ball realized that I wasn’t chasing him, so he came back to me.

    I realized that men are like puppies, if you chase them they will run faster, but if you stay still they will come back to you.

    And I got a txt from D saying good morning 🙂

  225.  #226Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Carol Allen Newsletterm – For those who find Astrology interesting

    Thousands of years ago before there were twelve signs of the zodiac, there were twenty-seven…

    These original twenty-seven signs (of Vedic astrology, the system of India), called “nakshatras,”
    reflect the path of the Moon through the night sky.

    The Moon is the brightest and fastest moving heavenly body. So ancient peoples first looked to the Moon to connect the seasons to the stars above.

    The first zodiac, therefore, was not solar but lunar.

    Your Moon nakshatra in your astrology chart (and that of everyone else) reflects your true inner self, and so holds the key to your love life…

    Revealing your personality, sensibilities, temperament, emotional nature, and just what you need to be happy in love. For this reason, it’s to these smaller signs astrologers have looked to arrange marriages for eons…

    To learn your Moon nakshatra, calculate your
    chart (using the calculations of Vedic astrology)
    and look to the “Planetary Details” box below
    the charts and find the Moon. In the last column
    to the right of the Moon will be the name of your

    To discover highlights of the good and not
    so good qualities of each nakshatra (and what
    yours means about you and your love life,
    read on…)

    * * * * * * * * * *

    1. Ashwini – “The horsemen”
    00.00′ to 13.30′ Aries
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Light, swift, analytical
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal symbol – Male Horse
    Famous people: Prince Charles, Jackie O., Ingrid

    Positive: Pioneers, adventurers, charming, elegant, popular, helpful, healing, heroic, driven, happy, spiritual, wise, good equestrians

    Negative: Extravagant, start but don’t finish,
    impulsive, aggressive, stubborn, indiscreet,
    inefficient, unable to see how their actions
    affect others

    In relationships: “Leap without looking” –
    get together fast, have sex fast, marry fast…

    2. Bharani – “The star of restraint”
    13.20′ to 26.40′ Aries
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fierce, severe, fiery
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal symbol – Male elephant
    Famous people: Carl Jung, Elton John, Pamela

    Positive: Able to ransform difficulties into victories, innovative, social, dutiful, moral, known for having artistic gifts and talents, love to travel

    Negative: Judgmental, unfaithful, jealous,
    controlling, sexually indulgent, feel oppressed
    by rules, extreme, restless, irritable

    In relationships: Romantic, dynamic and
    playful, but constantly desire new experiences.

    3. Krittika – “The star of fire”
    26.40′ Aries to 10.00′ Taurus
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Sharp and soft, emotional
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol: Female sheep
    Famous People – Bill Clinton, Bob Dylan, Lee

    Positive: Precise, witty, sarcastic, proud, determined for greatness, activist, wise, good
    cooks, prosperous

    Negative: Cut people off easily, lots of ups and downs, stubborn, critical, combative, over-indulgent, closed to advice

    In relationships: Known for their intense
    sexual appetites or interests.

    4. Rohini – “The star of growth,” “Queen of the Constellations”
    10.00′ to 23.20′ Taurus
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Fixed, emotional
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Male snake
    Famous People – Mother Theresa, Amelia Earhart,
    Barack Obama

    Positive: Rise to high position, elude obstacles, pleasing, attractive, soft, elegant

    Negative: Indulgent, swept away by chemistry and beauty, bull-headed but fickle, moody, known to attract jealousy

    In relationships: These sensual romantics will be dedicated and loyal.

    5. Mrigashira – “The searching star”
    23.20′ Taurus to 6.40′ Gemini
    Gender – Neutral
    Nature – Soft yet fiery
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal Symbol – Female snake
    Famous People – Barbara Walters, Shirley Temple,
    Goldie Hawn

    Positive: Bright, enthusiastic, fashionable, friendly, versatile, animal lovers, gardeners, writers

    Negative: Fickle, move a lot, have multiple partners, can be underweight due to high
    metabolism, restless, prone to marital problems

    In relationships: Need to be careful of making impulsive romantic alliances that can lead to trouble… Known for having beautiful children.

    6. Ardra – “The moist one”
    6.40′ to 20.00′ Gemini
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Sharp, analytical
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Female dog
    Famous People – Sean Penn, Kurt Cobain, Farrah

    Positive: Healers, overcome bad habits, sympathetic, helpful, intellectual, intuitive, esoteric, technical, psychological, scientific

    Negative: Violent, addictive, obsessive, desire power, cold, cruel, “mommy issues,” ungrateful, deceptive

    In relationships: Over give, go for “bad boys,” knock themselves out when they shouldn’t.
    Marital problems or delays.

    7. Punarvasu – “The star of renewal”
    20.00′ Gemini to 3.20′ Cancer
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Changeable, analytical
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal symbol – Female cat
    Famous People – William Blake, Bob Hope,
    Paul Simon

    Positive: Wealthy, vibrant, spiritually wise, love to learn and communicate, noble, amiable, reasonable, virtuous, content, inspirational

    Negative: Can over intellectualize, become ritical, too optimistic, vacillate

    In relationships: Want one that mutually heals and nurtures – find partnerships get better after a crisis or separation.

    8. Pushya – “The star of nourishment”
    3.20′ to 16.40′ Cancer
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Light, fiery
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal Symbol – Male Sheep
    Famous People – Gloria Steinem, Clint Eastwood,
    Tom Hanks

    Positive: Nourishing, abundant, opulent,
    popular, charitable, selfless, hard working,
    religious, expert

    Negative: Late blooming, tendency to over give, stubborn, arrogant, jealous, depressive

    In relatinships: Partner late in life, have
    to be careful not to be a servant or victim in

    9. Ashlesha – “The clinging star”
    16.40′ to 30.00′ Cancer
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Sharp, emotional
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol Male cat
    Famous People – Mahatma Gandhi, Jane Fonda,
    Katie Holmes

    Positive: Penetrating, intense, mystical,
    hypnotic, intellectual, independent, psychological,
    good for astrology, writing, healing

    Negative: Distrustful, slippery, seductive,
    can be mean, destructive, manipulative, secretive,
    and strike out unexpectedly

    In relationships: Tendency to smother and
    cling to their mate or be unfaithful due to
    feeling unappreciated.

    10. Magha – “The mighty one”
    0.00′ to 13.20′ Leo
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fierce, emotional
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Male rat
    Famous People – L. Ron Hubbard, Paramahamsa
    Yogananda, Margaret Thatcher

    Positive: Powerful, proud, wealthy, strong
    values, family oriented, generous, warm, loyal,
    psychic, powerful dreams, enterprising

    Negative: Ungrounded, distracted, Type-A,
    insecure, hot-tempered, sensitive, want to

    In relationships: Incredibly attached,
    happiest with lots of connection, attention
    and approval.

    11. Purva Phalguni – “The fruit of the tree”
    13.20′ to 26.40′ Leo
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fierce, fiery
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Female rat
    Famous People – Lance Armstrong, Madonna,
    Frank Lloyd Wright

    Positive: Lucky, lively, friendly, sweet,
    giving, entrepreneurial, cultured, refined,
    affectionate, passionate, persuasive, healthy,
    wealthy, artistic

    Negative: Impulsive, crave stimulation,
    need praise, indulgent, vain

    In relationships: Strive to create and
    maintain romance and wealth, but can have
    inappropriate sexual interests and be big flirts.

    12. Uttara Phalguni – “The star of patronage”
    26.40′ Leo to 10.00′ Virgo
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fixed, analytical
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal symbol – A bull
    Famous People – Alexander Graham Bell, Mel
    Gibson, Jack Nicholson

    Positive: Eager to help, noble, high values,
    high positions, likable, friendly

    Negative: Don’t like to be alone, resentful,
    codependent, controlling, rigid, critical,
    social climbing, sexually indiscreet

    In relationships: Want mutually beneficial
    partnerships. Happiest when married and close
    to their families.

    13. Hasta – “The hand”
    10.00′ to 23.20′ Virgo
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Light, swift, analytical
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal symbol – Female buffalo
    Famous People – Walt Disney, Orville Wright,
    Nikola Tesla

    Positive: Skillful, multi-talented, get
    what they want, wise, spiritual, intelligent,
    funny, entertaining writers, speakers

    Negative: Flaky, domineering, fickle,
    sensitive health, picky, impatient, difficult
    early life, indignant, sarcastic, struggle

    In relationships: Want to be the “super
    partner,” crave spiritual and sensual union.

    14. Chitra – “The brilliant, the beautiful”
    23.20′ Virgo to 6.40′ Libra
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Tender, fiery
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Female tiger
    Famous People – Ted Turner, George W. Bush,
    Marie Antoinette

    Positive: Charisma, flash, elegance,
    conspicuous, indefatigable, unconquerable,
    serious students, good business skills,
    organized, spiritual

    Negative: Speak without thinking, self-
    righteously critical, can become caught up
    in their own fabulousness, strong ego

    In relationships: Strong sexual desires
    can draw them to irresponsible mates.

    15. Swati – “The self-going star”
    6.40′ to 20.00′ Libra
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Changeable, emotional
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal symbol – Male buffalo
    Famous People – Bette Midler, Bruce Lee,
    Whoopi Goldberg

    Positive: Transformational, flexible,
    independent, compassionate, great communicators,
    generous, philosophical, spiritual, musical

    Negative: Easily bored, restless, wishy-
    washy, adamant, hot tempered, shallow, can get
    into debt

    In relationships: Can be unfaithful or
    fickle, need to be sure partners are emotionally
    healthy and don’t take advantage of them.

    16. Vishakha – “The star of purpose”
    20.00′ Libra to 3.20′ Scorpio
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Sharp, emotional
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Male tiger
    Famous People – Jimmy Carter, Nelson Mandela,
    Warren Beatty

    Positive: Goal-oriented, grow in influence
    and success over time, powerful, patient,

    Negative: Aggressive, domineering, quarrelsome,
    ambitious, intense, competitive, quick to take
    offense, possessive

    In relationships: Very focused on love,
    benefit through marriage especially if they
    marry later – excessive drama in early

    17. Anuradha – “The star of success”
    3.20′ to 16.40′ Scorpio
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Tender, fiery
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal Symbol – Female deer or hare
    Famous People – Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jordon,
    Saddam Hussein

    Positive: Honorable, friendly, cooperative,
    emotionally intelligent, reliable, devoted,
    organized, talent with numbers, astrology

    Negative: Restless, devoted to the wrong
    people, strong appetites, need a healthy outlet
    for violence, ‘mommy issues’

    In relationships: Need a lot of attention,
    can have a hard time seeing how they impact
    their partner.

    18. Jyeshtha – “The chief star”
    16.40′ to 30.00′ Scorpio
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Sharp, analytical
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Male deer or hare
    Famous People – Albert Einstein, Tiger Woods,
    Oprah Winfrey

    Positive: Attached to family, brilliant,
    high achievers, heroic, passionate, wise,
    daring, loyal, protective

    Negative: Lack of success and financial
    abundance, family tensions, weak health,
    controlling, combative, arrogant, hypocritical,

    In relationships: Themes of betrayal,
    abandonment, and jealousy can play out.

    19. Mula – “The original star”
    0.00′ to 13.20′ Sagittarius
    Gender – Neutral
    Nature – Sharp, analytical
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Male dog
    Famous People – Dalai Lama, Jennifer Aniston,
    Arnold Schwartzenegger

    Positive: Skilled, clever, get to the
    bottom of things, scientific, philosophical,
    curious, devoted, spiritual, sensitive, psychic,
    wise, great researchers, healers

    Negative: Lots of reversals in life, feel
    life is hard, focus on problems, destroy whatever
    is in their way

    In relationships: Have many relationships,
    have to be careful of being too loyal to those
    who don’t deserve it.

    20. Purva Ashada – “The invincible star”
    13.20′ to 26.40′ Sagittarius
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fierce, fiery
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Male monkey
    Famous People – Reese Witherspoon, Johnny Carson,
    Ernest Hemingway

    Positive: Popular, persuasive, influential, pleasant, patient, attractive, great speakers, successful early, attached to friends

    Negative: Argumentative, education can be interrupted, elitist, self-righteous, dogmatic,
    sexually obsessive

    In relationships: Romantic – can get carried away by attraction and chemistry before they know if the person is good for them.

    21. Uttara Ashada – “The universal star,”
    “the victory”
    26.40′ Sagittarius to 10.00′ Capricorn
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Fixed, emotional
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Male mongoose
    Famous People – Brad Pitt, Abraham Lincoln,
    Deepak Chopra

    Positive: Honest, sincere, respected, bright, fun, popular, devoted, grateful, kind, modest, leader, insightful, persistent, good advisors

    Negative: Take on the problems of others, stressed, self-centered, type-A, set goals too

    In relationships: Multiple major romances,
    can stay in dysfunctional relationships too

    22. Shravana – “The star of learning”
    10.00′ to 23.20′ Capricorn
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Changeable, emotional
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal Symbol – Female monkey
    Famous People Mohammed Ali, Henry Ford,
    John Lennon

    Positive: Lifelong students, talkative,
    friendly, wise, philosophical, religious, known
    in their field, humanitarian, wealthy by mid-

    Negative: Big gossips, care too much about others’ opinions, hyper sensitive, tend to

    In relationships: Want a lot of a partner’s
    time, understanding, and conversation.

    23. Dhanishta – “The richest one”
    23.20′ Capricorn to 6.40′ Aquarius
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Changeable, fiery
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal symbol – Female lion
    Famous People – Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana,
    Ashton Kutcher

    Positive: Musical, want the highest position
    possible, dignified, financially savvy, occult
    knowledge, inclusive, practical, hardworking,

    Negative: Cold, greedy, overly ambitious, stingy, self-absorbed, aloof, arrogant, worried,
    materialistic, elitist, superior

    In relationships: Better to marry late. Often partner with someone very different from

    24. Shatabisha – “The star of the king”
    6.40′ to 20.00′ Aquarius
    Gender – Neutral
    Nature – Changeable, analytical
    Temperament – Independent, unconventional
    Animal Symbol – Female horse
    Famous People – Elvis Presley, Benjamin Franklin,
    Paul Newman

    Positive: Scientific, technical, mystical,
    humanitarian, honest, hardworking, ambitious,
    independent, reserved, enterprising, like puzzles,

    Negative: Weird, obsessive, addictive, isolated,
    ups and downs, workaholic, tough childhood, “mommy
    issues,” depressive, sarcastic

    In relationships: Need mental stimulation and
    loyalty with an unconventional partner that’s
    their best friend.

    25. Purva Bhadrapada – “The former lucky feet”
    20.00′ Aquarius to 3.20′ Pisces
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Fierce, analytical
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Male lion
    Famous People – Michael Jackson, Martin Luther
    King, Jr., Hilary Clinton

    Positive: Devoted, logical, clever,long
    lived, marry into wealth, from wealth, economical,
    cheerful, passionate, strong, dedicated

    Negative: Serious, fearful, high-strung,
    impetuous, angry, cynical, harsh, greedy, broke,

    In relationships: Will work hard – can hold
    a relationship together for both people.

    26. Uttara Bhadrapada – “The latter one with lucky
    3.20′ to 16.40′ Pisces
    Gender – Masculine
    Nature – Changeable, fiery
    Temperament – Progressive, practical
    Animal Symbol – Female cow
    Famous People – Bill Gates, Catherine Zeta
    Jones, Cary Grant

    Positive: Benevolent, self-sacrificing,
    benefit from inheritance, meditative, selfless,
    talkative, passive, successful, economical,

    Negative: Shy, reluctant, think too much,
    moody, long-term disputes, lazy, feel the
    feelings of others, late-blooming, addictive,

    In relationships: Will strive to nurture,
    comfort, and fulfill their partner’s needs.

    27. Revati – “The wealthy”
    16.40′ to 30.00′ Pisces
    Gender – Feminine
    Nature – Tender, emotional
    Temperament – Traditional, idealistic
    Animal Symbol – Female elephant
    Famous People – Angelina Jolie, Stevie Wonder,
    Whitney Houston

    Positive: Prosperous, helpful, lucky while
    traveling, charitable, empathetic, intuitive,
    counselors, musical, luxurious, love animals,
    nurturing, artistic

    Negative: Over-indulgent, poor money managers,
    codependent, low fertility, easily hurt, physically
    weak, indulgence leads to addictions

    In relationships: Always thinking of their partner and ways to help them and connect.

  226.  #227Turtle Girl on February 25, 2011 at 9:21 am


    I happen to be really partial to turtles. :o)

  227.  #228Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Lastnite getright man complained… the style my father does…

    That my sighing – which happens spontaneously when I melt – is annoying

    I felt sad and tight, then gave compassion to my own judging part that he was right, and compassion to my shamed part…

    An instantly found myself in balance and in the ‘miracle imagined life of love an good vibes’ again

    My body reflowed…

    And since I accepted myself, he did too…

    In the past I woulda got shutdown without noticing… Now I kept in the flow and I think it was feeling safer and safer around me… I felt safe

    He, noticing me not feeling bad felt safe, and even curbed sone of his own ‘challenges’ of me

    I think were in powerstruggle stage

    Been here awhile – years –

    He has a prob w unconscious putdowns

    I have a prob w taking them personally – when I don’t, wd both can heal

    He wants to date woman who provides right now… He is slowly able to grow himself to grow to where he’s the provider – as if all that, her, our arguments, aren’t even going on –

    The bigger picture is he’s now growing… And I said I was proud he said thank u – he sought my validation – he knows he’s not enough yet but better

    One day he will trust himself to be enough and then he will come to me to prove it – see finally I am enough to give to you as you want (even demanded really). And deserve.

    I Am that man now, so let me be that cuz I’ve been wanting to feel that I cN be the man for you for all this time I known you

    He’s getting a car soon… I told him he’ll pick me up – likely he will cuz he can

    There’s more growing

    I can praise him, don’t blame him… Even if his communication is imperfect, blaming and vibe downing like my dad…

    He’s not wanting me to be unhappy

    And, I don’t have to be… Just compassion to my own judgement leaves me safe and happy

    I feel well pleased about this ‘relationship’ process

    He Wants me to be able to not be affected by his ‘flaws’ – Ie his negative judgements – then he can feel safe that I accept him, that he’s not hurting me and so failing his woman

    ‘that feels bad,’ * concerned pouty girl face* goes a long way to sharing

    And after, I make my adjustments to jump back in happy

    Then he can grow too… Start noticing And practicing making me not… Feel bad… Cuz he can see it only lasts a second and it’s not a reflection or rejection of Him

    Just something he can get control over that is not helping him make his girl happy… Contributing to the happy vibe his girl is powerful enough to maintain

    In this world of flying energy and thoughts she chooses to create and live in a happy vibe – and he admires it and feels safe there

  228.  #229Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Summerbaby your comments reminded me of this poem so I thought I would share for those who don’t know it.

    Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson
    from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond reasure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  229.  #230femenergylove on February 25, 2011 at 9:32 am


    i did want to write back and ask what is it that you feel i expected from you?
    but i felt afraid.and that he has already made up his mind.idid not feel i want to convince him to change his mind.if he feels that way then i did give off the expectations vibe.i agree.but the only way i feel right now to fix that is to have a different vibe the next time i meet him.and i have to work on this on my own.what do you guys think?

  230.  #231Lori C on February 25, 2011 at 9:33 am

    194: Summerbabylala

    I want you to know that I too, was one who stuffed in my feelings because I can still remember to this day, my mother telling me when I was six years old, that I had the “worst disposition of any child she has ever seen” and that I am “way too sensitive for my own good.” Six years old. I am now 47 and still feel that sting when I write this.

    I stuffed, I glossed over things, I became a tad bit self-destructive, I rarely would cry in front of anyone and when I did cry, I would curse myself for being too sensitive. Until recently…

    I have cried years and years worth of tears in the last two weeks, to the point that I literally do not have any left. I cried for days straight, literally. And I have to tell you that it felt good.

    I have learned so much from my experience, and one of those things is that I will never, EVER again, not be true to myself, will never not build boundaries, will never not speak my truth, again, to anyone….ever. And, I will never not cry because I can hear my mothers voice. Never.

    Big hugs,


  231.  #232Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Pamelala me too! Grateful for my sensitivity 🙂

  232.  #233Lori on February 25, 2011 at 9:39 am



    I feel the same way. I used to tell men I’m not as sensitive and emotional as most women thinking it would make them feel less afraid I was going to have a meltdown or something. I then put all of my energy into stuffing my feelings until it was true. I was never happy though and obviously my relationships didn’t work due to my being inauthentic.

    Last night on my date I found myself telling him I am a very emotional and sensitive woman and realized for the first time I was telling the absolute truth. And he not only didn’t freak out when I told him that, but seemed to want to get closer to me instead.

    I am strong, but sensitive. I am practical but emotional. I love my Hallmark Commercial crying self!

  233.  #234Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    @221: Alicia says:
    “…Can we paste a link to the vote?…”


  234.  #235Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

    He did communicate to me – I said I notice u talk about taking advantage..
    Do u think I take advantage of you… Very open

    He said I think that about everyone, that’s how I think

    I say oh… Yes I have noticed that ok

    Hmm I guess o dp that too sometimes.. I feel u

    I said it feels bad it hurts my ferlings to be thought if like that

    He’s like that’s how I am

    I said it feels bad

    Then dropped it

    I feel really good about last nite I learned how to be happy around him – it was all about healing my self judgement.

    I strongly am feeling the effect of that Innerbonding tool of compassion to the judging part (it just wants me to be happy!). And to the part that feels shame from being judged (aww). Then everything is well again

    Anytime I feel bad… There’s judging waiting for love

  235.  #236Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Lori C I can relate. Hugs to you. My mother still lives with me and I am so sensitive to any kind of criticism that it literally shuts me down. It is no wonder that for so many years my tongue was caustic and my heart so hardened and I had accepted that I loved a good fight. It sent my adrenaline rushing and I had accepted that I was a warrior. Now I don’t even like thinking of being a warrior. I am so committed to building harmonious relationships I find negativity really rankling.

  236.  #237Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Who is Mike Dooley? Is he a coach?

    From your Emily McKay – X&Y Communications post
    ‘So above all…remember that we’re ALL human. Some of us are female humans, and others are male. And unfortunately, that also means that the “Us vs. Them” mentality isn’t a gender-specific one, ironically enough. That alone is excellent food for thought…’

    This is a topic area I’m working with now… Remember my post re: the CC podcast? This is something I’ll be “chewing on” for a while I think.

    There is something there…this “human” approach. I haven’t figure it out yet…working on it…


  237.  #238Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Slv your thoughts on living and money and income from bring you inspire me, especially as you are older than me so I figure if you’re there now, then I’m not crazy, just got there early! Yay living happy!

  238.  #239Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 9:46 am

    He is the one who sends Notes from the Universe.

  239.  #240Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 9:46 am

    l’il ole fingers;;

    ” I haven’t figured it out yet…working on it…

  240.  #241Daria on February 25, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Femwoman try my compassion to judging tool in the face of putdowns.

    I used so much warriorness I literally ran out of adrenaline, that’s how I noticed

    I slow it down now big time and use herbs to strengthen and heal it – the adrenals

  241.  #242Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 9:49 am


    RE: #156 – “And stood up to drunk friend instead of getting ‘flooded’ and it worked”

    Yay! Glad to hear it!

  242.  #243Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 9:51 am


    RE: #249 – I recently bought Cylapro on sale, “Adrenal Weight Loss System” to boost metabolism and replace adrenals. Do you happen to know anything about it? I’ve been taking it for about 3 weeks now, and I don’t notice any difference. What do you think?

  243.  #244Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Whoops, it’s CylaprIL.

  244.  #245Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

    @246: Daria says:
    “…Slv your thoughts on living and money and income from bring you inspire me, especially as you are older than me so I figure if you’re there now, then I’m not crazy, just got there early! Yay living happy!…”

    Yep, Daria. I grew up in an entrepreneur’s household. My father never had a “job” working for anyone else as long as I knew him. And he always did things he liked to do even though he worked hard. Kind of arrogant too, thought nothing of taking us out of school in the middle of school year to travel. hahaha.

    Kind of like you… LOL 😆 I mean this in a highly complimentary way. But he did know the value of money so… well, maybe you will change your mind on that… a little? maybe?

    BTW, until then…did you check out that stuff on bartering I posted to you a while back where the guy started with one red paperclip and ends up with a house!!! This is so you… so me too! And so fun!


  245.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 10:01 am

    @227 FW
    “… I believe we have to guard ourselves from the entitlement vibe as they might feel it as ‘I am entitled to it from you’…”

    I’ve got ‘entitlement vibe-itis’… 😥

    …and I like it… 😳 Perhaps I can move it down a couple notches…


  246.  #247Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

    @234: Femininewoman says:
    “…These original twenty-seven signs (of Vedic astrology, the system of India), called “nakshatras,”…”

    OMG, it’s official…according to this, I’m “masculine.” Am I back to being…”doomed?” I dunno, I’m still sticking with “womanly.” That really does describe me. Oops. 😳


  247.  #248Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 10:09 am

    #254: I have an entitlement vibe that tells the world that I expect to be treated with respect, love, compassion and I long to treat the world in the same way. I take it as healthy and wouldn’t want to change that.

  248.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 10:15 am

    @257: knocksoftly says:
    “…How do you figure out which one you are????????…”

    I saw them as smaller degrees of the zodiac signs. I’m near the cusp of mine so took the last degree group of that sign. I’m not sure that’s 100% correct but it seemed so.


  249.  #250kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

    What herbs strengthen the adrenals?

  250.  #251Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

    RE 255 She says knowing who you are can help you to amp up the good parts and slow down the others.

  251.  #252Lori C on February 25, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I am looking for a response from an email from a potential CD or maybe he is a CD??

    He asked for my number yesterday so I gave it to him.

    Today, he emailed me to tell me that he intends to call me.. (ok.)

    I want to give him a totally siren-y response and I am not able to come up with one. I feel excited to talk to him, to try out my new found girlish girl stuff but I am not attached to the outcome of it at know will he call/won’t he call.

    Suggestions, Sirens?

  252.  #253Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Kaitlyn, some foods that help adrenals: broccoli, cantelope, garlic. <3

  253.  #254Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:35 am

    RE 261 Lori C I am cutting and pasting some things I have seen in past emails. Also are you always checking your emails or your phone? Did you communicate that to him?

    From Lonelplum
    Questions are intrusions into men’s mind, it freezes them.
    Plus questions are opposite to cdating.
    Cdating is about focusing on Me, opposed to paying attention to what he does when he is not even in front of her
    So she stops the emails type ”hello, how are you doing or what are you doing”
    she also stops adding a friendly question at the end of the answers she sends back to them.
    it took her all these years to understand:
    NO questions
    She is detached, so logically, she does not feel curiosity, she does no ask.
    She is doing him a favor answering as it is, but that’s it.
    He needs to find what else to say , if he really wants to keep the convo going. But she must stop pulling the rug from under his feet, with her questions.

    How can his mind process his desire to go towards you if you keep going towards him?
    You need to be completely absent, for him to grow the need to see you.
    He needs to be nervous about the outcome, he needs to be afraid you do not want him any more. His mind will never process a true desire for you if you put yourself in the “taken for granted woman“ box

    “If he really wanted to talk, would he email?”

  254.  #255Summerbaby on February 25, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Lori C,

    Thank you. I feel so comforted. I think I started being told I was a cry-baby at 3. I can remember horrible insults coming from my father for crying about fears he instilled in me.

    I think I felt that tears were a big reminder that I would never be enough, could never be good enough and just that I would always fall short. The nice part about my age is that everyone is blaming the sudden tears on menopause. It gives me an out for the times I am embarrassed by it.

    I do think it’s a bit more than that. I am working on accepting that emotions are not a bad thing and that tears are perfectly normal and healthy. Seeing as how it seems to just happen without any provocation, I guess I’d better get comfy with it!

    hugs back,

  255.  #256Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Dr Paul

    Just know this:
    Masculinity is tied to how skilled a man feels at attracting women, and how much progress he senses in his career.

  256.  #257Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Nancy, are you here? How are things going? I feel curious to hear more details about your romance. Did you meet online? Were you immediately attracted to him or did it need time to grow? etc. 🙂

  257.  #258Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Intuition is the ability to send and receive energy and information without the limits of time and space.

  258.  #259Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:41 am

    As a contrast, here’s what pure Feminine Energy language looks and sounds like:
    1. Only Feminine Energy, that’s completely attractive, magnetic , and passive
    2. It’s leaned-back, warm, inviting, grounded, centered, no-nonsense, feeling, easy, taking responsibility for itself, just Being
    3. It says “I feel, I’m feeling, I felt, It feels…and NEVER mentions HIM
    4. It stands still when things aren’t going the way it wants, and if it starts feeling bad, it walks away. (Yep – walking away is FEMININE. “Hanging-in” when it feels bad is MASCULINE.)

  259.  #260Daria on February 25, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Kailyn – walnuts, rhemannia root from Asian food stores… Nettle seeds

    The most help I’ve had is from dr. Christophers Adrenatone herb mix. I feel really pleased and reassured by the way Dr christophers stuff works for me. I highly am grateful for it.

  260.  #261Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

    3. Personal Power and Softness – INNERBONDING
    Softness is the energy of warmth, tenderness, love and power that emanates from people when they are in their higher selves. At this moment they know and love themselves, do not shame or violate themselves and others, do not seek approval nor fear disapproval, are not self conscious, and do not take personally others’ criticism, anger or rejection. Soft energy radiates from personal power, for when people know who they are, what they want, and how they feel, and they know they have the right to want what they want and feel what they feel, then they can not be dominated, controlled or emotionally hurt by others. When we are in this state of owning our personal power we are beyond weakness, and beyond violence of any kind. We can afford to be soft because we know we are not weak. Being in this state is an ideal, something we can all strive to be in more of the time…

  261.  #262Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Loneplum, your post to me was breath-takingly deep and wondrously healing. I was transported to a beautiful place inside myself as I read it. Thank you so much. <3

  262.  #263Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Our behaviour is always the result of our emotions, which is why we do such strange things … most of
    the time. We are reacting from old emotional trauma which has imprinted not only the event but also the reaction. We just keep returning to what was once upon a time a great solution to a traumatic event, yet, as adults, it no longer works.” Never forget that to forgive yourself is to release trapped energy that could be doing good work in the world. Self-prosecution is never noble; it does no one a service

  263.  #264Lori C on February 25, 2011 at 10:44 am

    RE 261:
    FW, Nope, I am not checking emails or phone and I haven’t leaned forward at all with regards to him. All communication is initiated by him and I reply with a FM or something witty.

    The way I read this though, is that I do not respond at all. And, if he calls, he calls. Simple as that.

  264.  #265Daria on February 25, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Slv nah, money has no value until I give it one huh…

    I like the independent medicine woman creating a family/village/tribe around her image

    Also like avatar (movie) type living

  265.  #266Daria on February 25, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I feel flattered

    And excited… The paperclip became a house! Wow! And that’s through barter not even thru free love… I feel reassured validated and inspired

  266.  #267kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I’ve been working a lot and focussing on me, but sometimes my mind drifts to him. Once post-Paris, I didn’t hear from him for a few days.

    He emailed: It’s snowing here. It’s cold.

    I wrote back: Then get your sexy ass back to California!

    Did I screw up? He’s a huge complainer and I was trying to be the cool girl like CC suggests. Our next convo after that wasn’t for a week, and that was him asking why some guy on FB was flirting with me, which he wasn’t. Then next convo was initiated by me saying I finally got my jacket back. We spoke on phone briefly and next night was my final email that went unanswered ‘falling asleep in your flannel. just wanted to take a few mins to say goodnight…’

    NOTHING since then. THREE WEEKS NOW.

  267.  #268Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Lori C, if he didn’t ask you any questions, I would just send a smiley face. that’s it. 🙂

  268.  #269kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 10:50 am

    I am so leaning back that I even avoid posting on our friends in common’s FB walls.

  269.  #270Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 10:50 am

    @266: Lucy says:
    “…Nancy, are you here? How are things going?…”

    I would like to hear from Nancy also. She had a whirlwind courtship which seemed a little like the one I mentioned where guy I know married woman six weeks after he met her. I got a little nervous when I learned that Nancy’s guy proposed after a week; I was concerned but didn’t want to throw cold water. I am still concerned and I want to hear from her. I feel like a parent does waiting up at night.


  270.  #271Lori C on February 25, 2011 at 10:52 am

    277: Lucy

    I like it.


  271.  #272tinque on February 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    kaitlyn – nettle infusion and black currant

  272.  #273Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    RE 273 I guess I was saying if I was him and you responded immediately to the email, I would assume that you were always checking, my wondering about whether you would respond to me would automatically go down, and if I was feeling attraction that would also go down because I imagine that most lonely women immediately respond. That might be their experience. The not knowing for a while could build some intrigue, however if emails come to your phone as a lot of people’s he would know that you got it.

    A guy friend once told me that he was attracted to his wife because she knew he would get back to her when she left him a voicemail. Others on the other hand left the voicemail and called back up to three times so in his words he felt “stalked”.

    I guess if you choose not to respond and he mentions it when he calls you could say something suggesting that you respect the fact that he said “he intends” to call so you were trusting that he is a man of his words. Also seeing you have not yet spoken you want to give him the space as others have complained that they get tired of guys who constantly email. Plus he has not communicated yet, how regularly he uses email.

    Is there anything in his email that suggests he might be expecting a response?

  273.  #274Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Anyone without the sexy could ” Then get your sexy ass back to California” be felt like a mother giving her son instructions?

  274.  #275Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 10:59 am

    @275: Daria says:

    “…And excited… The paperclip became a house! Wow! And that’s through barter not even thru free love… I feel reassured validated and inspired…”

    I want to do similar swaps but trading up using money too… OK, it’s me… father taught me that money thing also invest, live on income of investment.

    But… I’ll put up video in couple minutes!

    Did you see the vid from tv show? It’s been couple of years…


  275.  #276T-Girl on February 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Do you guys ever talk to your married friends about your dating? I have now come to the conclusion that they are clueless. Here are some things they think:

    -all guys on online dating sites want is sex (I am not finding this to be true, they want relationships just like we do)
    -if a man doesn’t call the day after a date, he just wants sex
    -If a man texts instead of calls, that is bad news

    I am realizing that since my divorce and also finding this and other relationship websites, dating is something you have to learn. You can’t just “go out there”. My married friends just don’t get it 🙂

  276.  #277Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:02 am

    SLV, about bartering… how timely…. If I trade sex for TN man fixing my computer, is that prostitution or bartering? 🙂 Serious question. lol. I’m still hoping he’ll offer to come fix it for free, but he also is an entrepreneur, and it’s a 4 hour drive. He said he’ll look at it if I send it to him but it’s a big desktop not a laptop – he didn’t know tht. boo hoo. So, bartering….?

  277.  #278Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 11:02 am

    OneRedPaperClip ABC 20/20


  278.  #279T-Girl on February 25, 2011 at 11:03 am

    Oh, and I should have added that my married friends think they are “experts” and I should be listening to their advice (which totally contradicts what I am learning)

  279.  #280kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:06 am


    Then I did ok there?

    This is killing me. 3 WEEKS!!! I’m wondering if when he gets off his book tour April to mid-March, he’ll be back in Cali and be curious about me to call me and reconnect.

  280.  #281kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:07 am


    Fixing a computer should get him a date. Not sex.

  281.  #282Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 11:07 am

    @285: T-Girl says:
    “… dating is something you have to learn. You can’t just ‘go out there’…”

    I believe this is very true. I’m learning all I can. I’m “in training.”


  282. on February 25, 2011 at 11:07 am

    ‘i feel awful and sad that you felt i had expectations from you’
    that is what i fee l i should say,that is how i feel/

  283.  #284Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Femenergy –
    Personally I would say… Thank u for apologizing.

  284.  #285Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Kaitlyn – get ur sexy as’s back to Cali – is way masculine

    But it’s ok cuz all that matters is the vibe Now

  285.  #286Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

    @286: Lucy says:
    “…SLV, about bartering… how timely…. ”

    You could barter a home-cooked meal with maybe extra portions (or cookies) to take home.


  286.  #287kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:12 am


    What vibe now? He won’t even talk to me.

  287.  #288kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:13 am


    I just said congrats to a mutual friend of ours’ on FB. Is that ok?

  288.  #289Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

    FW, I love your intuition definition! That definition explains clearly why/how I can know things about men on dating sites before we even meet. 🙂 I love intuition and all it involves and all that it offers.

  289.  #290Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Kaitlyn – when they ask why a guy is flirting w u’s – that is Them flirting with u’s, giving u’s attention

    I’m getting this from getright man – thi he now also talks about his gf – I think he’s doing it on purpose and am doing great w my compassion for selfjudgement and shame tool

    I intend to start responding the deeper truth – ohh I feel wanted and flattered :). When a man asks/teases about others

  290.  #291kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:15 am


    Crap. Maybe back then my response should have been ‘It feels warm here. Plenty of Cali sunshine.”

  291.  #292Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:16 am

    RE 295 SLV you are a genie

  292.  #293Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:17 am

    RE 300 kaitlyn that was what came to my mind

  293.  #294Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Kaitlyn – lol wait… What do u mean is it ok to say congrats… Of course it is… It had nothing to do w ‘dude’

    But the focusing on what he thinks is gonna affect vibe negatively –

    Are you trying the compassion tool?

    The best way to be soft is imagine your Mae west and looking in his eyes smiling saying aww of course dahling

    Wout sarcasm, teasing, etc

    Also be ok w getting hurt, just say.., awww darling that feels bad

    And do the self compassion tool

  294.  #295Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:18 am

    RE 298 I was copying and pasting. I think it was CCs definition.

  295.  #296kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:19 am


    My dude has always been kinda insecure/paranoid and his personality is very introverted/private. Yet he has tons of friends who love and admire him. Weird, I know.

    The flirting suspiscion was post-Paris. He was prolly thinking he can’t trust me ever. I emailed back ‘Erik has known my bff since childhood. When we’ve all hung out, Erik has always been respectful and knows I have a serious bf. Feels like something about FB draws out the attn whore in men. Gag.”

  296.  #297Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Kaitlyn – him talking about snow feels like a turnoff to me when I want mire … Hes in his gurliness
    Then I outgirl …

    By sending back just 🙂

  297.  #298kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:21 am


    I wonder if I would’ve just done ‘:)’ he would’ve warmed up to me more instead of cutting me off completely.

  298.  #299Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Kaitlyn – oh no, you killed the attraction by explaining why another man is not interested in you – and thus demonstrating you don’t value yourself – because you think it’s ‘bad’ that another man might like you

    Instead, you get flattered by His attention (jealousy is a flattering firm of attention directed towards you)

    You want to Receive the deeper attention here (don’t go got the outer factual details about Erich)

    This is not about eruck,

    But about your man saying – underneath – “you’re attractive!”

    So u say… Aww thank u… I’m flattered by your attention!

  299.  #300Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Alonka, Summerbaby and others who’ve been talking about feelings:

    There’s a book called “Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids” that has several pages of “feelings” and “needs” cards that have pics on them.

    I photocopied, cut and laminated them. I use them frequently with my clients when they are processing social issues, or feeling upset.

    You don’t need to read the book — but, if you’re interested in getting better at identifying your feelings, a set of cards with pics is a great way to start.

    I put all the feelings in front of my client, and have them look through and pull out the ones that resonate for them.

    Then, I say that feelings come from needs — bad feelings from needs being unmet, and good feelings from feelings being met. And I have them identify the needs that are alive inside them.

    You can look at the cards and do this process at home as you’re becoming more clear on identifying your feelings.


  300.  #301kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:25 am


    My guy knows guys will flirt with me, but he has issues thinking I flirt back- which I don’t.

    Forgot to tell you, at the end of that mes, I put “It feels nice that you read my page.”

  301.  #302Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Rori —

    a set of feelings cards like I described in 309 would be a good thing to offer your clients….


  302.  #303kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Now I’m freaking I’ve killed everything. Trying to be positive and trust myself is hard sometimes.

  303.  #304Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Kaitlyn the vibe is felt intuitively… Tiny nuances of tone and just that when he reaches toward you thoughtwise he finds admiration and receptivity and full love and approval of yourself…

    So that he doesn’t have to worry about your happiness… Just enjoy it – cuz u love you – and add to it to show his appreciation of the vibe you create

    By creating an I love me and I don’t compete cuz were all love vibe… You change the vibe of the world so he prefers your bob marley happy vibe to… The news, or, the daily grind, for example

    It’s like u keep ur bOb marley playing all day… I love me, I’m love… Song

  304.  #305Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

    RE 309 Lisi who is the book by? I could check the library.

  305.  #306Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:29 am

    But u just start with little moments of I love me vibe… That’s all it takes is a moment, then try again

  306.  #307Simply Shannon on February 25, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Lucy, Here’s an explanation of the Soulmate list…

  307.  #308Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Kailyn – the way to heal his ‘issues’ about flirting back is to flirt back, and think it’s ok

    Now to do that give compassion to the part of you that judges you as not worthy if you flirt back (it just wants you to be approved of cuz it thinks that will make you safe and happy)

    And to the part that feels shame when it’s judged… (aww what a sweet girl)

    Them see if you feel safe for an instant is good

  308.  #309kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:34 am


    Do i get any reward from the universe for handling this maturely? i didnt run after him when my email went unresponded to. i didn’t lash out. i didn’t do anything vindictive or talk shit to his friends. in fact, last night i stood up for him. my friend was under the assumption we were still dating and asked why i was dating that broke writer loser. do i get any reward for not trashing him in any way or calling and saying ‘since youre too much of a fag to end this, i’ll end it for you.’

  309.  #310kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:36 am


    I really appreciate you. Just sayin.’ PLease send the vibe out there for him to reach out to me again.

  310.  #311Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Last msg from TN was “oh” when i told him it was a desktop. I feel a bit frustrated bc if I don’t respond to that he will think (and I know this bc he has told me) that I am withdrawing to my Lucy cave and need space and will eventually respond when ready. lol. He knows me well and at times that is true, but not always. When i first came here Rori told me to stop doing the Lucy cave thing and to ALWAYS respond to a man, always. So I don’t know what to do. 🙁

  311.  #312Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Kailyn – yes you do! You get lots of yummy men.. And healing! For doing things in a healthy way… You’re starting new healthy patterns that will keep going and bring you lots of love!

  312.  #313kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Good mood: He is focussing on his stuff and will be with me again, walking twds me when ready. But he will come.

    Bad mood: He figures after what I did to him, I don’t deserve closure. His ex never gave him closure.

    and blah blah blah get back on my horse, put him on my horse.

  313.  #314Simply Shannon on February 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Kaitlyn, I’m sending compassion to your negative voices. I feel grateful that you have so much love in your body that you worry this much. I send you LOVE dear one. I’m sending love to your worry and fear.

    Everything is going to be alright. This too shall pass. A month from now, this will seem like a dream or a learning experience. Either way you win.

    I feel bad for this guy missing out on the real Kaitlyn. Be messy, be real, be you.

  314.  #315Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

    I admit, it’s hard not to think of the guy as the prize when he is both sexy AND can fix your computer.

  315.  #316kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

    SS, thank you. I don’t know why I’m crying right now.

    But he’s so special he deserves someone like me.

  316.  #317Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

    RE 319 I understand the context but do you really feel that “oh” needs a response? Or is there something else that needs the response, a question maybe?

  317.  #318Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Kaitlyn – you are muy desperate – and I understand it. I felt that way even the night before last.

    He Will reach out again. But meanwhile you gotta heal, on your own the anxiety you are feeling that you want him to.

    It’s a deep unconscious thing – are you hearing me the self judgement compassion thing I keep talking about? That is what will help.. Or something similar..,

    What does it mean about you that he’s not contacting you?

    That you’re not good enough.

    Awww I give compassion to this judging part of you (you say me). It just wants me to be happy – and feel worthy and loved. So it’s tryna get me to ‘do better’ it thinks.

    Compassion to it for wanting me to feel worthy and loved,

    And now, compassion to the part of me that feels shame at that judgement, believing it’s true and I am not enough… Awww compassion to that lil believing trusting girl. hugs she is good enough of course!

    See! It all makes sense… Try it

    Twist it, bring it back to u’s to help me too!

  318.  #319Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Kaitlyn, TN is a friend – he has a gf.

  319.  #320Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Lucy and Kaitlyn

    Okay. Flip that, how would it feel if the guy was thinking that way about you? How else can he think that way if you don’t send him that subliminal message, maybe through the siren chant?

  320.  #321Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:47 am

    You don’t deserve closure because that would be the most insulting thing ever. To tell a woman you font want her. That doesn’t make sense to offer her that from a masculine standpoint. You either come to worship or you don’t come at all (unless you can’t help urself and are addicted to her toxically and can’t offer but come and show wounds for healing)

  321.  #322kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:47 am


    Ok, then just a hand job. Kidding! xoxox

  322.  #323Daria on February 25, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Lucy – I’d say… ‘that feels weird… I’m feeling concerned.. Whatsup”

  323.  #324kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 11:50 am

    “What does it mean about you that he’s not contacting you?”

    That I said the wrong stuff and went on my gut instinct or reading CC instead of asking y’all.

  324.  #325Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 11:51 am

    @319: Lucy says:
    “…Last msg from TN was “oh” when i told him it was a desktop….So I don’t know what to do….”

    The ubiquitous smiley face…?

    BTW, the film you mentioned: “Definitely, maybe” — I borrowed it from library. I hope it’s good for my romance vibe. 😀


  325.  #326Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 11:51 am

    @286 Lucy —

    The geek in me just has to tell you that prostitution comes from the same root word as prosperity.

    The original meaning was, “to trade services for money.”

    Hence, prostitution, by definition has to be traded for money, not barter.

    Laughing at my geekiness now.


  326.  #327Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:53 am

    RE 331 So Daria we are supposed to respond to everything, even if it is only “ok”?

  327.  #328Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:53 am

    FW, that’s my point – i never respond to “oh” – but with him a lack of response from me means “she needs space.” When what I really need this time is MY COMPUTER FIXED D*MMIT!

  328.  #329Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 11:56 am


    RE: #171 – You said, “I admit to having a secret love affaif with office supplies.”

    LOL! Me too! At some jobs, I’ve been called the queen of office supplies! That’s cuz my Dad was an artist, and my Mom was a home ec teacher, and they both taught me the value of quality tools! So I used to put a big emphasis on having decent office supplies at jobs. Then I got accused of stealing supplies, which was totally false, and after that I learned to downplay my passion for office supplies! LOL! I have my very own electric three hole punch!

  329.  #330Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Lucy I asked 335 because I feel it could eventually come across as competing with him to have the last word, of course depending on the context.

  330.  #331Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 11:57 am

    um, I think i am fixated on my computer. Maybe it is male and i need to lean back and let it fix itself.

  331.  #332Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    P.S. …that I bought 2/3 off at a store closing sale.

  332.  #333Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    @ 314 Femininewoman —

    Respectful Parents Respectful Kids
    Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodgson

    I’m sure you could get it through the library.


  333.  #334Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @337: Brenda says:
    “… I have my very own electric three hole punch!…”

    Oooh, I want one… I only have manual 3-hole punch which I will have to use because I don’t have anymore pre-punched paper. The shop I used only sells by the pre-punched by the ream. Next time…


  334.  #335Brenda on February 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm


    RE: #339 – LOL! I’m in love with my computer…I’m giving it all my time, and I need to slow down!

  335.  #336Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    hmm. i was joking about my male computer, but maybe there’s some truth there (psych principle no. 1 – “there’s truth in all humor”). Maybe there’s a metaphoric msg there for me if i lean back with my computer. Oh it will be hard!! but i will do it. An experiment. Maybe i should take notes. maybe my feelings/actions/thoughts are the same with computer as they are with men.

  336.  #337Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Download feelings and needs cards for free here:


  337.  #338Daria on February 25, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Feminine woman… If You feel turned off or bad in the convo u don’t have to respond

    In lucys case she doesn’t have to… But I would…

    Also when it’s a natural ending it’s good to let them have the last bye

  338.  #339Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    RE 341 thanks

  339.  #340Daria on February 25, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Makes sense to me about prostitution and I like the free love thing

  340.  #341Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Kaitlyn —

    When I did family Constellations work — it totally changed my life.

    It’s based on the idea that, even if you don’t know what happened, “the field knows.”

    Someone stood in the place to be me and immediately burst into tears and felt overwhelmed by grief.

    She didn’t know me — but the “field” knows.

    And, that means — if you’re attracted to alcoholics, and you walk into a room of 99 non-alcoholics, you’ll race right over to the alcoholic at table 9 and fall for him.

    It also means that, if you move on — really move on — and let go of him — he responds to that.

    Likewise, if you pretend to move on in order to get him back, he responds to that, as well.


  341.  #342Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Thanks Lisi and Daria.

  342.  #343Simply Shannon on February 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Lucy, I would not reply to “oh”. To me that means he’s thinking about it and he will get back to me or the answer is “oh… I didn’t realize that and no I cannot help you now.” Either way, he’s said all he has to say right now. Closed door.

    Internally I’m feeling frustrated. I want my computer fixed. What should I do to make me feel ok? I could put on my boy hat and contact someone to fix it for me.

  343.  #344Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    FW, 328. He knows i am sexy, which is why he wants me, but he also knows i can’t fix my computer. :/

  344.  #345Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Thanks Lisi. “To be seen for my true intentions” so resonated with me before I realized it my body started vibrating and I felt teary eyed.

  345.  #346Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    FW —

    I’ve come to realize that, if I lack integrity toward my guy — even if he doesn’t hear what I say — he feels the vibe.

    Likewise, if I truly have integrity toward him, or if I’m feeling Siren-y.


  346.  #347Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    @352: Lucy

    What’s wrong with your computer? A desktop computer will usually be easier to deal with than a laptop so don’t know what the problem is that caused “oh”…”

    Try Craigslist for some techy help just don’t give your computer to anyone…well, I know you won’t… Google them and try to find someone with a shop where you can take it in. I like to wait while they fix, even it it takes all day.

    You might even be able to pick up a back up second computer for cheap $100 etc on Craigslist; My son has bought a few that way. If you don’t need top of the line…I’m using a little cheapie…check out Best Buy stores, there is a new “best deal” every Sunday on laptops and desktops.


  347.  #348Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    FW, I hear you – He almost always has the last word. Maybe even always always. Rori said that to me bc of my cave tendency i think. Shannon, I hear you too – but those meanings don’t usually apply with our dynamic. Daria, I like what you wrote in 346? SLV, I’m considering a frowny face (def not smiley). Brenda, there is def truth about a love affair with my computer (ask my kids, they tell me that a lot!). lol.

  348.  #349Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    RE 355 You know SLV reading your response I am wondering if he feels it is a strategy to get him to come over to her house, creating an excuse to see him? Now that I think about it a friend suggested once that he called up DELL and they walked him through some trouble shooting to be able to identify the problem, then he googled it and got steps for fixing.

  349.  #350Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 12:39 pm


    “oh” could mean so many things

    “oh good”
    “oh crap”
    “oh that’s good to know”
    “oh that feels good” lol

    If you feel you must answer, based on Rori’s suggestion to you, you could say, “yup” or 🙂 or “I feel thankful that you’re going to help me.”

    I think a smile is the best though cuz it’s so non lean forwardy…or you could do a wink

  350.  #351Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 12:40 pm


    I’m enjoying hearing your thoughts and feedback to Kaitlyn. The bit about having compassion for the judgemental parts…the hurting parts…the parts that want us to heal…was beautiful.

    Thanks for sharing!

  351.  #352Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    #356 How about a frustrated face? What would that look like >:-| maybe

  352.  #353kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    My bff is a guy. He helps me a lot with the same issues I ask you all. However, when I approach him with “hey remember last night when you advised this, well, my siren blog had a twist on it and I was wondering what you felt about it. What do you think?’

    He gets ANGRY saying he wasted 3 hours talking to me if I’m not going to listen. He has no prob with me being here, but he feels I’m wasting his time.

  353.  #354Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Aha! Maybe i manifested a broken computer to get my mind off WH! – like ppl do cutting to distract from emotional pain. Crap. I chose this??? Pam, haha, I like, “I feel thankful that you’re going to help me.” Lol. I wonder what he would say to that? lol.

  354.  #355Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    RE 361 He might be the type who “needs to be right” in communication, there are people like that. Also are you sure he was “angry” it could just be the way he expresses himself. Also guys tend to take things personal, he could have take it to mean that “his thinking was flawed” so he felt like we made him wrong and you accepted us over him.

  355.  #356kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I obviously am a complete failure at men. I wish I was “Fortune 500 exec who has it all, but just doesn’t ‘get it’ with men.” I’m not even that. I’m a 39 year old broke ass who is on her last leg of looking young and beautiful. And we know how far looks go..

    yep. bad mood today. hate myself.

  356.  #357kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    My bff: “I don’t know anymore. Why don’t you ask your pre-menopausal hags.”

  357.  #358kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    The only time I’ve ever been successful with men is when I used to strip and later whore. Those men are very broken femme energy men, so it’s easy. I could roll around on stage in dog shit and they’d still kiss my ass.

  358.  #359kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    riff: I’d like to thank all those custys and johns out there for my retirement fund i cant touch and those 2 homes i once bought.

  359.  #360Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    RE 364 kaitlyn
    The way I see it is that you are experimenting to learn. Guys bring messages of how I relate. With each message I get the opportunity to change the dance step if need be. Life is not black and white, there are grey areas. We learn by trial and error at times because we are not perfect. A man does not want a perfect woman.

    Hate yourself?? hhhhhmmm If that is the case what do you expect boyfriend to do?

  360.  #361Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    FW, he has already walked me thru things to try. I asked him if he thought it would be a waste of money to take it to a shop and that’s when he said, “Do you want to send it to me? I will take a look at it for you.” Then I said it’s a desktop and he said “oh.”

  361.  #362Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    If we were perfect with men none of us would be here.

  362.  #363Daria on February 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Shannon I feel bad and thought your comment to Lucy about ‘oh’ was right on.

    I feel confused how it doesn’t apply to her Dynamic and triggered to hear that

    I disagree… To me it seemed universal that your comment would apply

    I feel sad hearing that response from Lucy

    I guess a part of me judges me as not good enough unless I feel heard abd understood… And I didn’t (me as thinking along the same lines)

    It felt bad to receive what seems like a counterargument/rejection

    ‘but this doesn’t apply’

    I feel very triggered and was practicing on not counterarguing w my dad – a challenge for me stay aware

    I feel tightened up exploring

    I judge as ‘I’m not good enough to be heard’

    And loved myself on it so I feel better…

    Now I will do one about the judgement triggering guilt that I possibly judged Lucy and also maybe triggered her and feeling fear around that

    I’m not good enough to inspire harmony around me

    Hehem not true.

    Yay! I did it!

    Lucy it seems to me shannons right as it seems oh is like a communication saying nothin more than ‘I heard you’ oh. Acknowledging receipt of ur info and that it’s a bit surprising hence oh

    Since u asked for help so far u have no answer yet just oh I
    can do it, or oh I cant

    That makes it simple

    And of course oh seems like a feeling message to me so it’s a girl energy thing

    Outgirling is in order

    I still feel triggered that I’m tling

    Lucy what to do giving her advice

    Aha I’m not good enough to communicate my feelings

    Ok drop the argumEnt For what Shannon said

    Everyones right

    What it came down was o felt bad reading:

    I hear you But ‘counterexplain’

    That felt uncomfortable to me reading and I felt separated and not heard or validated

    And that means I’m not attractive enough to receive admiration

    No it doesn’t I’m all good!

    Wow this is subtle! Working this is healing!

    I still feel scared – why? – I’m not good enough to receive good feelings and create harmony all around

    I’m not good enough
    (compassion work here)
    Lol that’s sO not true yay I’m shifting

  363.  #364kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    368 I completely agree and i am trying my best to be open and learn each dance step with every shade of grey.

    as for hating myself, wy is it ok for my bf to always talk about how much he hates himself?

  364.  #365Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    @315: Simply Shannon says:
    “..Lucy, Here’s an explanation of the Soulmate list… …”

    Thanks, SS, for putting up link. I’m reading it now, there are five pages!!! on the Oprah web site. I’m happy to read this as I wait for delivery of the Arielle Ford book “Soulmate secret : manifest the love of your life with the law of attraction.”

    Yesterday I got “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I am busy adding to and tweaking what I know.



  365.  #366Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 12:59 pm


    I don’t know if this applies in your situation with your friend, but I know that when I have a friend that repeatedly asks for my time and advice and I know that she is doing the same with others, I would rather she just go to the others. It is draining to listen to someone (especially if it’s the same conversation over and over) share their play by play. It takes energy, both physical and psychic. It takes time. In my experience, and I’m thinking of a particular friend of time, she just takes. (period)

    I find myself, in such cases, distancing from my friend because I interpret her sharing with several people as alliance-gathering and attention-mongering rather than true, intimate, authentic friendship. I get that sense, particularly, if she doesn’t offer something back in the relationship (I don’t give to get, but I listen to people all day and cherish a mutual, rather than one-sided, friendship).

    So, that’s me…could any of this be what is tweeking that anger that you’re perceiving from him? I’m not saying it is, but his anger means something and usually, in my experience, leads back to a sense of being abused, abandoned or neglected…could it be, on a deep level, one of these?

  366.  #367Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Kaitlym I think guys whimper for attention and sex may be unhealthy / but that’s def not feminine

  367.  #368Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Kaitlyn – it’s actually not ‘ok’ in that it feels bad…

    And it is ok, in that it’s a feeling

    But not ok to use the words as an addiction – to lowering out happiness and self treatment

    And it ok to acknowledge, but with the intent to heal

  368.  #369Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    SLV Hope you know those books are available at the library including Mike Dooley’s and Gay Hendricks.

  369.  #370Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    RE 375 Daria I remember Pat Allen saying that they are desperately looking for those two things so I am wondering why you call it a whimper.

  370.  #371Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    @369: Lucy says:
    “…“Do you want to send it to me? I will take a look at it for you.” Then I said it’s a desktop and he said “oh.” …”

    ROFL 😆 Ohhhhh, you mean he went “postal.” 😉

    I get it… the “oh”… kind of heavy and bulky … to send but not impossible. How far away is he? Are you leaning forward for a visit from him? How about you get it fixed where you are?


  371.  #372Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm


    re: you said, as for hating myself, wy is it ok for my bf to always talk about how much he hates himself?

    Who said that was OK?

    Ultimately, sure, it’s ok and he can do whatever he wants to do, but ‘going there’ isn’t going to change anything in his life.

    Was it ‘ok’ in your book for him to do that? What was your response? Is that the response you’re looking for here? If so, can you offer it to yourself as a means of self-soothing?

    Even if you don’t mean it, offering those same words of encouragement on your own behalf will help to rewire your brain and help you to move forward rather than getting stuck in the impotence of “I hate myself”.


  372.  #373Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    RE 374 Pamelala Dr. Paul says that shows holes in the boundary and the draining is leaking of the self esteem through the holes. To strengthen the boundary we have to learn to say no.

  373.  #374Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Don’t mean to be picking here but I am now wondering if there is boundary that kaitlyn needs to establish?

  374.  #375Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Dr. Paul also says that people of similar maturity attract each other. As such it is interesting that kaitlyn says she hates herself then shares that the bf always say that. IMHO that needs to be healed and when he feels that, who knows.

  375.  #376Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    #381 FW –

    Yes, that makes sense. Those boundary issues are so HUGE for me. I am a helper – not, I think, because I have a desire to fix, but because I have a desire to be needed, respected, to feel purposeful. So, when someone comes to me for help, I feel compelled to do so, even to the point of sacrificing my own needs to have time to myself, to take care of myself. The drain of self-esteem seems right on point.

    I’m getting better about it. I appreciate your sharing that.

    I do not now how you all have time to be on the blog, to read and to listen to all those MP3s at the same time! I cherish your wisdom 🙂

  376.  #377kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I don’t come here to have my ass kissed, so let it rip. Wisdom. No matter how hard it stings.

  377.  #378Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    CC says that change should begin with you. As you change yourself it inspires the partner to change themselves also because human nature is no one wants to be perceived as “not getting it” or “being the odd man out”. He encourages us to “inspire” our men to be who he is.

  378.  #379Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    @377: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV Hope you know those books are available at the library including Mike Dooley’s and Gay Hendricks….”

    Oh course, dahling… it’s me… 😀

    I usually first check the public library even if I intend to buy the book. When I picked up the John Gray book yesterday I also canceled my hold on the Suzanne Somers book because I went ahead and bought that one the same day I learned of it. I’m on wait list for the Arielle Ford book and then I’ll have it for about three weeks; if I like what I see I’ll go over to Barnes & Noble and buy a copy.

    What are the Mike Dooley, Gay Hendricks title(s)? I’d like to check those too. Thanks much!


  379.  #380Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Daria, regarding your Lucy-trigger – When I read Kaitlyn’s description of her bff’s advice-following trigger, it reminded me of you. I feel curious about that trigger. I will resist explaining why the TN man dynamic is different (altho I actually did previously describe the dynamic in what i thot was a clear way. but that’s okay.) Sorry if I made any of you feel bad by not following your advice. It’s all good- I look at it as brainstorming. <3

  380.  #381Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    RE 384 I go back and forth and inbetween. Pamelala please also remember that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weakness.

  381.  #382ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Hi everyone! I’m just getting in from work and attempting to catch up with the ongoings here.

    I’ve been reading up on what I’ve missed during the day and found a lot of interesting remarks that I’m trying to keep in mind that somewhat relate to my situation.

    KAITLYN – I am emphasizing with your situation, I wish I had leaned back like you are doing. Keep strong and stay positive, but like everyone else is saying, love yourself!

    DARIA – I would really like to hear what you might have to say about my predicament.

    And FEMININE WOMAN re #272
    That post really touched me and hit home. My overemotional and oversensitive nature is what got me into my mess that I blew up into an even bigger one.

    I’ll post more as I continue to catch up, slowly…

  382.  #383Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    #385 Kaitlyn…was that directed at me re: what you desire when you say, “I hate myself?”

    If it is, I have nothing to let rip and no assk-kicking is necessary as far as I can tell…I was just wondering if you could see the same value in yourself and offer yourself the same compassion that you would offer to someone you cared about who found themselves dealing with the same negative self-talk.

  383.  #384Simply Shannon on February 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    It’s interesting to me because I’m hearing Daria’s post and Kaitlyn’s post about her BFF and I’m kind of feeling the same thing. I give advice and you don’t take it and now I feel mad. I want to feel heard dammit! Or maybe I want to feel right or maybe even I want to feel heroic, like I just swooped down and saved the day with my fabulous advice.

    Daria, Thank you for validating me and what I said! It does feel good to be affirmed, and I’m glad you got something from it.

    Lucy, it did feel weird reading your words back to me. It seems to me that answers which affirm what you want to do (i.e. respond back to him) are validated and answers which reject that are dismissed. I do this too. Maybe you already had the answer you wanted in mind before you wrote the question. So what’s the answer? It’s inside of you already. <3

  384.  #385Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Oops I was meaning to write guys who pay for attention and sex

    Not guys who whimper

    But whimpering to me is feminine


  385.  #386Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Daria that makes sense

  386.  #387kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Pamelala, was meant for the person (i think 382) saying i needed boundries.

  387.  #388Femininewoman on February 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    kaitlyn did you investigate what the boundary is?

  388.  #389kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    no. just say in english what youre talking about please.

  389.  #390Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Lucy – :(. I feel unheard…

    I feel bad reading responses such as “but [counterexplanation]”

    I feel unheard and unloved reading that

    I know I won’t feel that way if I don’t offer – masculine

    Because then I might feel rejected and take that in the feminine feeling way

    “I’m not good enough’

    But as soon as I do my tool… Is anyone actually trung thus tool? … It heals back to happy vibe

    Wow I just explained to you!! Oops not contributing to happy vibe there

    What I could say instead is

    Lucy I feel unheard. It feels bad to argue.

    Or… Ohh… Mm I feel bad and kinda unheard…

    I felt bad getting a countertaegument response. I don’t want to argue. This works for me… And I feel disconnected and kinda bad now

  390.  #391Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    🙁 I just fell in the garage and tweeked my neck, stubbed my baby toe and got a cut/bruise on my wrist. Just wanted to whine about it a little. Wahhh!

    K, I was writing a post earlier that got lost somewhere.

    What are movies can you recommend with strong, inspiring siren-like female roles?

    I’m having a movie night tonight and hope to find something good on Netflix. Would appreciate your recommendations!

  391.  #392Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    🙁 I feel sad being misunderstood, misinterpreted, unheard. 🙁

  392.  #393Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Fem : I don’t know what color the sky is…

    Masc: it’s blue

    Fem turned masc: no it’s not

    >>>> disconnect. <<<<<

    Fem: I wonder what color the sky i

    Masc : it's blue

    Fem: ohh I feel a bit weird. Thank u for sharing…



    Fem: I don't know what color the sky is 🙁

    Fem: ohh that feels weird… I felt good when I thought it was blue and other people said so too

    Fem: hmm thanks for sharing…that feels weird: I feel bad with blue…

  393.  #394Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Hello, Sirens,

    So, here’s what happened on my date last night with the guy I thought had a muscle for a brain.

    I didn’t look at his pic again before I left, but I remembered it well enough. Kinda big for my type, posing in front of work out machines, big bicep. He was a big, blonde guy. I can probably pick him out. Or he’ll recognize me.

    So, I go to the bar. Look around. Only couples. And a black guy at the bar. He’s cute — but definitely not the blonde guy.

    I leave. Get an email. He wants to know why I didn’t come. I say that I did – describe what I was wearing – and say “I didn’t see you.”

    And he says…..

  394.  #395Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    #381 FW –
    Fw and Pam

    Yes, that makes sense. Those boundary issues are so HUGE for me. I am a helper – not, I think, because I have a desire to fix, but because I have a desire to be needed, respected, to feel purposeful. So, when someone comes to me for help, I feel compelled to do so, even to the point of sacrificing my own needs to have time to myself, to take care of myself. The drain of self-esteem seems right on point. ‘

    This was me pre blog. I’m still judging myself a lil for being selfish- will do my tool to heal that now

    Yay 🙂


    Thank u for sharing it’s boundary holes…

    Practiced them w drinking prob friend. Yay.

    Starting to heal them up

    “No, I don’t want to talk about that”. Will help

    No, I don’t want to be talked to that way

    No I don’t want to be questioned about sharing resources (food shelter transportation)

    No I don’t want my worthiness questioned

  395.  #396Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    “I was the black guy at the bar.”


    I go back & look at the pic & sho nufff…

    weight machines

    big bicep

    BLACK guy — not blonde guy….

    Cuz I’m smart like that.

    Now I’m feeling REALLY bad — cuz I’ve stood him up.

    But, it’s funny!

    Anyway, I tell him I’m at Fred Meyer, and he comes there.

    He’s totally hot and interesting, even though he clearly can’t spell.

    He works for homeland security & shows me his badge. Ooooooh.

    Wants to see me again…

    Asks what I’m looking for,
    and then….

  396.  #397Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    daria, i feel bad and disconnected too. what you perceive as “arguing” I do not perceive as such. i feel bad being interpreted as arguing etc. How can a person take everyone’s advice when everyone is saying different things? Some ppl will have to have their advice not taken. okay, now i am explaining. i feel confused about ppl’s advice-following trigger.

  397.  #398Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    “By the way, I’m married.”

    Now I’m wishing I’d left him stranded at the bar.

    So, I immediately wrap it up and start to walk away.

    I start to say, “Call me when you’ve filed for divorce.”

    Then, I say, “But, you cheat. So, I wouldn’t want you then, either.”

    He, of course, is totally intrigued by me, and literally chasing me out the door & letting me know how hot & sexy I am.

    Which is true.

    *hair flip*

    I shake his hand and say, “bye, bye, married guy.”

    He texts later and wants to know if we can be “friends.”

    I say, “define friend.”

    then, I tell him he’s welcome to entertain me by text if he wants.



  398.  #399Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I told my married friend about it last night, and she shook my hand, and said, “On behalf of all married women — thank you.”

    I’m proud of myself for how I handled that.

    I’m hungry. Taking my darling out to lunch now.


  399.  #400ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Pamelala @ #204

    I just read what you wrote about P… and about the first few weeks.

    What you said is exactly how I feel about the guy that I might have scared away forever. Descriptions like that alone are why I’m so terrified of losing him.

  400.  #401Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    We did have a fun jokey moment with my standing next to him, feeling sheepish, and saying I’d remembered him as a blonde.

    He agreed that blonde is not his color.



  401.  #402Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Lisi!!! You are indeed an inspiration. Oh my gosh. Thanks for the laugh.

    Speaking of homeland security…why do I find it so hot when guys carry concealed weapons?! PoetryMan carries and I have this memory of a guy I dated…rendez voused at a hotel in NYC. He walked in, pulled a gun out from under his jacket and put it on the dresser. Took of his jacket and he was wearing a shoulder holster…..I melted a little bit.
    What the heck?! That is weird….just remembered it yesterday when PoetryMan pulled out his wallet to give me his daughter’s card and flashed his concealed weapons badge….hot!

  402.  #403Daria on February 25, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Cookie – I haven’t read up on your situation

    But from the post where you addresses me I picked up frequent

    Self blame judgememts “I messed up, I blew it”

    And hopelessness beliefs “I blew it” Ie things didn’t font won’t work out for me.

    I would use my compassion tool :

    ID the self judgement: “I’m not good enough to have what I want, or I’m not good enough to deserve what I want (attract him, have s harmonious communication, etc etc)”

    Send compassion to the part of you Doing the judging – it thinks that by telling u ire not good enough, it’s helping you Get those things that feel good (it’s not helping, but it wants to, awww)

    And then compassion to the part that feels shame to be judged cuz it’s like a lil kid believing it… Awwwww

    Then check how you feel

    Write it down here – that may help to keep u on track starting the tool.

  403.  #404Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @399: Pamelala says:
    “…What are movies can you recommend with strong, inspiring siren-like female roles?…”

    I can’t think of any. Maybe we can start a list. I got DVDs from library too … cuz… I’m me, dahling… I work the library hard. LOL OTOH, I often end up paying because I don’t take them back on time…but I don’t mind paying to the library, love the library.

    I got the one Lucy mentioned: “Definitely, maybe” but I don’t think there’s a siren in it.

    I also finally got “Single White Female.” I was at end of lonnnnng wait list for that one. No siren there. I only reserved it because a while ago a poster had a roommate who was “imitating her” and other described strangeness; I remembered the film.

    We should make a list! A siren film list! Maybe Film Institute has usable list…


  404.  #405Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm


    What I tell myself is that, during those first 2 months, we were drunk on hormones and endorphins. All of it was imaginary. While I do believe he was showing me his whole heart and the real him, that stuff doesn’t last. It’s all about bonding…chemically speaking. Now, if it lasts past the chemical high, then it is real…if it doesn’t, it’s not….but that doesn’t mean it can’t be rekindled or that it isn’t coming again with someone with whom it will, indeed, last.

    But, yes, those memories…and there are hundreds of them because I made the mistake of spending EVERY weekend with him for the first 4 months of our relationship…are the ones that keep me loving him…my imaginary P.

  405.  #406Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Shannon check it out –

    I’m not good enough cuz I’m not inspiring harmony and healing

    Aww compassion to judger… It wants harmony and healing, which make me feel good! It wants me to feel good

    Compassion to shame …” I couldn’t do it mommy! 🙁 ”
    Aww shamed part you don’t have to! You are great already and having harmony and healing is not necessary or your job k?

    Feeling good now

  406.  #407Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    @404: Lisi says:
    “…He’s totally hot and interesting, even though he clearly can’t spell.
    He works for homeland security & shows me his badge. Ooooooh…”

    Can’t spell, homeland security. It figures. But I bet he’s really nice. 😀


  407.  #408Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Slv I like – “from 9 to 5 ” with dolly Parton

    I realized I recommended someone Mae west when I meant dolly Parton earlier with the dahling

  408.  #409Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I find after doing my tool I can just smile and move my thoughts on, they get unstuck and my vibe remains bob marley positive

  409.  #410Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I also like ‘no strings attached, the recent one’

  410.  #411Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm


    Way before my time but I might like to watch some Mae West too but I think she would be “leany forward” as I know it now.

    “Come up and see me sometime” I think she said to Cary Grant. LOL …exuding sex with every syllable. 😆

    siren or not that could be good for my vibe…you know… like wearing fab undies on first date.

    I think all those old-time actresses pre-commissison or whatever they called it… could perk vibes. I’ll think about this list too. It might not be the same one.


  411.  #412Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Oh, just thought of “Chocolat” – the one that takes place in France, not in West Africa. Granted, it’s her chocolate that draws the men to her, but she’s amazing.

    Speaking of powerful foods, “Like Water for Chocolate” is good too. It’s in Spanish though, so you need to be OK with subtitles if you can’t speak it.

    I love foreign films! 🙂

  412.  #413Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    I feel weird and angry. Daria wrote “In Lucy’s case… i would” (respond). Shannon wrote, “I would not respond.” And now somehow I am “the bad guy” for not following both of their advice. Note to self: that is a classic double-bind and you have attracted that in the past. How will you handle it this time? Disengage? That would be different for me. Hmm. This is a boundary issue! Okay, I do not accept double-binds in my relationships. Walk away.

  413.  #414Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Getright gives to me in the form of : asking me ‘are you ok? Caring tone’ after silence

    Saying ‘I feel u after hearing me even w initial disagreement’

    Offering help to bring my bike up

    Offering me a lil extra pot

    Offering to give me a ride close to home

    Offering to let me stay at his house so I’m not stranded out or uncomfortable at drunk friend if she’s belligerent

    Teasing/asking me about other men

    Hugging me

  414.  #415ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm


    I’m trying your tool and I’m having a hard time.

    So far…
    My self judgement is
    “I’m not good enough to keep his attention and keep him coming back for more.”

    But I’m not sure how to identify what part of me is doing the judging, as well as what part of me is ashamed, and how to send that compassion where it belongs.

  415.  #416Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Lucy – I realize your working through your triggers here

    I feel unheard because I initially felt bad reading your response ( but, counterexplanation) not because of not following my advice…

    I’m feeling kinda numb And disconnected

  416.  #417Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    @ Pamelala
    All the ones I like are “leany forward” girls… Ooops. I got this list of American Film Institure “100 greatest passions” Maybe we could look through there and find a few sirens. Do you think there are any?

    AFI’s 100 YEARS…100 PASSIONS







































































































  417.  #418Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Cookie – nO need to identify which part – just assume there’s one of each.

    Then just speak to yourself : “compassion… To the judging part… It want me to have his attention… Cuz it wants me to feel loved, aww”

    Then ” compassion, to the part that feels shame hearing the judgement and thinking it’s nit good enough… Aww”

    Then feel whatsup… And see if there’s a slight release in tension … One moment is all you need

  418.  #419ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 2:32 pm


    OH okay, I obviously took it a bit too literally.
    Got it, thanks!

    That makes complete sense.
    And yes, I do feel a slight release of self tension.

    Are there any steps further?

  419.  #420Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    SLV –

    I wonder if we love leaning forward romances because those are the ones we can identify with…as if they could become OUR story. Hmmm. I think that’s probably the case with me.

    Well, I downloaded a lot of movies from Netflix. I’m going to watch a few this weekend and will let y’all know if I find any sirens 🙂

  420.  #421Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    @428: Pamelala says:

    “…Well, I downloaded a lot of movies from Netflix…”

    What did you get?


  421.  #422Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm


    I’ve never tried Netflix. I’ll check it out.

    Wondering if it would work with my random wifi. Oh, I could download from reliable source first. This might work! Then I’ll probably never come up for air.


  422.  #423Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Cookie … That’s it! See if after the tension release
    … You can easily go on thinking about something else now and feeling positive vibe… Instead of tightened up vibe from before release

  423.  #424Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Then just keep doin it everytime something feels bad. They’ll be a self judgement in there.

    Aa we practice it it becomes more abd more automatic and eventually we stop self judgement !

  424.  #425Alonka on February 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm


    I’m not gonna sound very nurturing here, but I say it because I care;)

    You can still work on your career. Don’t know about 500 most successful list, but your personal best – for sure. if you tell me that your current state is it, I won’t believe you;) If you put down 999 reasons why you can’t – don’t bother ;P

  425.  #426Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Daria 424. I don’t want arguing. 😉

  426.  #427Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Lucy – that feels bad 🙁

  427.  #428Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I feel like I’m being made fun of :(. And it Diesnt feel good… I don’t want to fight with you 🙁

  428.  #429Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    SLV –

    “The Secret Life of Words” – After surviving the war in yugoslavia, taciturn nurse Hanna heads to Ireland for some rest and relaxation. But when she hears about an oil-rig accident off the coast, she agrees to tend heroic burn victim Josef. My commentary: I love this movie and Hanna reminds me so much of myself when I was at my most broken place. I saw it with my best friends and just wept at the end. It holds a special place in my heart.

    “Dangerous Beauty” – Prevented from marrying her nobleman lover because of her commoner status, real-life historical heroine Veronica Franco is left with two choices: join a convent or become a courtesan. Following in her mother’s footsteps, she chooses the latter.

    “Charlotte Gray” – A Scottish woman searching for her missing pilot boyfriend during World War II must choose between finding her lost love and taking a stand when she meets a local farmer and his son, a leader in the resistance who’s harboring two Jewish children. I love WWII movies.

    “Emma” – Based on Jane Austen’s classic novel about manners and misguided matchmaking, this Academy Award-winning adaptation takes a richly comic look at the romantic meddling of young Emma Woodhouse. My commentary: Oh Emma!

    “Passchendaele” – Wounded in WWI, Canadian Michael Dunne falls in love with his nurse, Sarah. When he learns that Sarah’s impetuous younger brother, David, has been called to fight, the recuperated Michael sets out to protect him. My commentary: Maybe I’m really wanting to see a movie about a manly man.

    “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” – Jennifer and her kid brothers realize they’ve picked the wrong house to rob when the come face-to-face with quick-tempered matriarch Madea, who promptly deposits them with the only family they have: their hard:living aunt April, a nightclub singer. My commentary: April is no siren, but she is pursued anyway. This movie makes me cry.

    “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” – jesse Young is a girl who has everyhting and maybe too much of it when she finds herself fallingfor two seemingly perfect guys: sexy but struggling writer Ethan and button-down advertising exec Troy.

    “Sweet November” – keanu Reeves stars as Nelson, a San Francisco ad man who stays just busy enough to keep from noticing his loneliness. But one autumn, Nelson gets involved with a free spirit named Sara, who turns his world upside down. My commentary: another crying movie.

    “Frida” – Julie Taymor directs this Oscar-winning biopic of Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, focusing on her often rocky relationship with husband Diego Rivera and her controversial political and sexual reputation (she was a communist and an open bisexual). My commentary: I love Frida Kahlo ..she was sireny in her own way..even though her husband was a major philanderer.

    So, I need to pick one…decisions!

  429.  #430Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    SLV – it’s $8 a month for all the movies you want to watch. Their entire selection of movies is not available for download but they’re adding more and more every day. You can download to your computer or, if you have a gaming system, to that. I have a I watch on my TV. I love it and it’s so worth the $8!

  430.  #431Lercomari on February 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Rori you deserve this nomination, your blog is a help to so many women. 🙂 I’m buying your ebook today. But my trouble is, I have a friend who I am in love with and already knows that I love him. In fact up until this point I’ve done everything wrong, including declaring my love for him and contacting him allll the time although I know he has no intention of going beyond friends. Is it too late for me to salvage the situation and possibly make him mine? I look forward to reading the book. 🙂

  431.  #432Daria on February 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Slv – “leap year”

  432.  #433ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Thank you Daria, I’ll try to remember to use this tool.

  433.  #434Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Pam —

    Thanks. You’re right — men in uniform, men with badges, men with concealed weapons.

    Cuff me, baby. Take charge. Claim me. Make me your woman.

    It’s soooo masculine. And that’s HOT.


  434.  #435Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Cookie – good luck… I’m glad you Tried it… Everytime u feel that tension release your vibe is shifting to be more open and attractive

  435.  #436Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Thank you to all who helped me by brainstorming with me today. I appreciate it very much!

  436.  #437Luzydel on February 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    I was talking a Guy Friend and he told me that when a man says let’s take it slow, he is breaking up with you in a subtle way.

    I was telling him that when D suggested that we be friends I said that I rather leave things alone than be just his “friend”. then D say ok then we need to take it slow.

    Then my friend said that maybe D felt he was loosing control so that’s why he mentioned it, but according to my friend when a guy distance himself, it is because he found someone else and has no interest in pursuing us anymore.

    So I am going to take D’s “lets take it slow” as he broke off. So he broke up with me. Case done!!!

    I feel angry !!!

  437.  #438Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    MuscleGuy: Just one question — have you ever been with a black man?

    That’s the funniest thing.

    Because — having had two lovers in January, one black, and one white — I can say from experience that men are men.

    I love them. And I love sex. And, I understand there are probably white women in small town America who are curious about black men — so this line might have worked for him in the past.

    I, however, am simply enjoying the feeling of pursuit.

    I’m taking it in and allowing it to make me fall more in love with me.

    Isn’t that what someone said our leaning forward does to men? Makes them fall more in love with themselves?

    I like it. I’m gonna take that to the BANK!


  438.  #439Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Lucy – hey that feels good 🙂

  439.  #440Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Yay! I feel glad

  440.  #441Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Luzydel —

    This might be open to interpretation from man to man.

    When I got together with B — he was very clear with me — that real, deep long-term relationships take time to build. He let me know that, if we were going to make a relationship that led to us making a life together, we’d have to do it RIGHT, and that meant SLOW.

    I think his message was the exact opposite of your friends’.

    Your response — of letting it be a break up — and leaning back and taking care of yourself — is probably the perfect response.

    Regardless what he meant by “let’s take it slow,” he’ll feel your withdrawal, and that will stimulate him to pursue.

    Maybe get under that anger, and feel what else is there. Is it disappointment? sad? lonely? rage?

    Sitting with the feeling and really getting to the heart of it helps.


  441.  #442Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Melts Uhoh o feel scared I’m coming off sarcastic… Time for my tool

  442.  #443Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    @438: Pamelala:

    So fabulous! I will check out Netflix. Gee, inexpensive too. I usually end up paying $9-$20 month to library in fines. DVDs are free as are books but if you have bunch out at a few dollars a day fines, you can get a little surprise if you don’t return on time and can’t renew when someone else has on reserve 😆

    Thanks for the heads up.


    P.S. with all those wonderful films downloaded, are you coming up for air?

  443.  #444Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Aha yes! Itsthe leaning forward that makes them fall more in love with themselves (and not curious about u’s)… Not the appreciating compliments

    Even compliments like ‘you walk like a god’ are appropriate from an appreciative place not a lean forward “I really wish he was speaking to Me” place

  444.  #445Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    I want ice cream.

    Is that a feeling?

  445.  #446Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Daria, I’m sorry you experienced that as making fun of you. That was not my intent at all. My intent was to playfully acknowledge that we are all in this together and that there are mirrors everywhere for all of us. I do feel completely misunderstood about the thing with Shannon, but I realize it won’t help to try to explain. I feel sad when this happens btwn me and anyone I care about (you, Shannon). 🙁

  446.  #447Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    @ Pamelala

    Oh, I see. I thought you downloaded them all! I vote for “Dangerous Beauty” those courtesans must have some sort of siren vibe, “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” and “Frida.” I saw “Frida” but I’d like to see it again.


  447.  #448Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    SLV – with the Wii, you just add them to your queue and then it downloads them as you watch. It’s a wonderful invention!

  448.  #449Kristine on February 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Tell me why is a guy you always have flirted with in one way another say stuff like ‘you looked sexable
    ” when I saw you…when you just told him earlier you are now dating someone you really like so….ideas??

  449.  #450Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    @439: Lercomari

    You will get great advice from Rori. In my humble opinion, I would just start right this minute as if I hadn’t done any of that. I’d be warm, open, inviting yet leaning back and respond to what your guy offers.

    All the best to you.


  450.  #451Kristine on February 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Maybe it is the whole you want what you can’t have or I don’t want to date you but don’t want anyone else to have you…..I am still happy! 🙂

  451.  #452Luzydel on February 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm


    Thanks, Making it a break up for me will make it easier to lean back. D sent me a txt this morning saying “good morning. How are you?”… I replied “Good morning I just got to the office and About to make me some coffee. How are you?”

    No reply yet…but I was busy with things to worry about it. My friends response triggered me because I know my friend is a bit of a player and even though D is distancing for whatever reason, I never got a player vibe from him. I wondered if I overlooked it.

  452.  #453Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    @440: Daria says:
    Slv – “leap year” I’m guessing this is movie? OK, checking it out! Thanks.


  453.  #454Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Yea! Reserved “Leap Year.” Sounds fun and romantic!


  454.  #455Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    @456: Pamelala

    I don’t have wii… so will have to download to laptop. That’s OK, that’s what I use anyway, I don’t watch my TV anymore nor use my DVD player.


  455.  #456Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Btw Daria, I use the compassion for self tool too and find it useful. Lisi, I’ve gotten that line from black men also. lol.

  456.  #457Daria on February 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Lizydel – uhoh, that answer is masculine … All about facts no feelings And bounces the q back to him

    Instead a feminine response is like:


    Or. Thank you.. I’m feeling a bit frazzled at work

    Or… Thank you… It feels nice to get a good morning from you 🙂

  457.  #458Winnie on February 25, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    288: T-Girl says:
    “Oh, and I should have added that my married friends think they are “experts” and I should be listening to their advice (which totally contradicts what I am learning)”

    Haha, I’m learning that most of my friends have no clue! A while ago I was talking with some friends about a guy I was keen on but didn’t know how he felt. Their advice was to “have a few drinks with him and just throw myself at him”.
    I just laughed at them, and said “well one of you is divorced from a guy who turned out to be gay, and the other is totally sick of her marriage and wants out! Hmmm. I think I’ll trust my own instincts!” lol

    So glad I’ve found RR and this blog so I’m not relying on the advice of my EXPERT friends! LOL

  458.  #459Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Just realized part of what’s bothering me is that – TN and I have two convos going this week – one on fb msging and the one by text (“oh”) – and I didn’t respond to his fb one either (from yesterday). So I guess I kinda feel uneasy about myself, that maybe I Am doing that cave thing again. 🙁

  459.  #460Luzydel on February 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Daria the second option feels like I’m chasing him or something. I feel intimidated about expressing how I feel if he gets back again. I may feel a little defensive to open up.

    I know the idea is to be open when they turn back, but that is my nemesis. I have sent away a few men who tried to get me back because I have not been able to open up.

  460.  #461Daria on February 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Luzydel – that’s my standard response to men there were three… I think you’re referring to the third

    Thank you… It feels nice to read a good morning text from you 🙂

    I want to start doing this one as I find it more warm … That feeling you’re experiencing is Vulnerability… It’s where we want to be… It’s very attractive

  461.  #462Daria on February 25, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Lucy I fond this compassion to judger and shame part feels much more powerful to me than just ‘compassion to self’ used to

    I would use it on ‘judging self as retreating into cave’

    Personally I see this retreat as feminine stepping back… Until I feel ready to Respond

    men find it intriguing

  462.  #463Daria on February 25, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    I’m feeling tired.

    I want to recharge.

  463.  #464Lisi on February 25, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Luzydel —

    I’ve done that, too. However, I DON’T do it if I’ve been busy about my own life in the meantime.

    If I’ve been CD-ing, thinking about other things, etc… and a guy shows up 2 – 3 weeks later — it’s all good.

    And that seems to interest them.

    It’s the CC “cool girl” thing.


  464.  #465Mercedes on February 25, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Congrats Rori! That’s AWESOME!!!

    Much Love,

  465.  #466Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Lol. I just responded to “oh” with: “Yeah. 🙁 I feel leery of repair shops. Never used one. Is that what ppl do – bring it in, pay the guy and hope for the best?” (He didn’t suggest the shop idea, that was just me.) So he replies, “Usually they get a friend like me to do it for them.” Lol. Wth? Is he baiting me?? teasing me? Or what? or is he thinking that i must have a local friend who could help (which i don’t)? i don’t know what to say now.

  466.  #467Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 4:41 pm


    “Hmm I feel intrigued – what’s your plan?” 😉

    “Hmm, I feel curious. What do think the next step should be?”

    It might be helpful to gently put the ball back in his court.

  467.  #468Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 4:44 pm


    “Oh, I feel so thankful. When should I expect you to arrive?”

  468.  #469Lucy on February 25, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    thx Pam. Wouldn’t those be assumptions? He lives 4 hrs away. If he was local i’m sure he would’ve planned to come by now. How do i feel? Amused i guess. and frustrated. he’s always been such a monkey.

  469.  #470kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Settled some crap at the bank and upon returning home, there were 3 checks for ME. Yay me.

    Btw, many of my friends think we disect too much into words with men. I say no because there are subliminal nuances to get certain responses or perceptions. My friends think if a guy likes you, you can just be yourself and wouldn’t need ‘any Rori, EMK, CC, etc.’

    I feel triggered.

    Gonna workout, starve and take pills. It helps my vibe when I have nothing to keep my mind occupied like work or art.

  470.  #471ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Lucy, I’m with Pamelala…

    Put the ball back in his court. Something I know now that I should have kept on my P’s, (yep, he really is a P too Pam – lol) side from the start.

    Maybe he’s trying to get a read on if you want to see him and to have him fix it for you. Maybe he’s trying to offer without asking you to drive out there, at the same time not offering to drive to you yet.

  471.  #472kaitlyn on February 25, 2011 at 5:04 pm


    These can also be great responses to guys who ask you out but never follow up with what time they’re picking you up.

    I call that kinda man a ‘Half Plan Man.’

    The worst is when they ask you out for, let’s say, Friday and say they’ll call you when they get off work? Um, why not just nail down the time and my address now? Like I’m supposed to rush around my day cuz he might be picking me up at 5pm. Or 7pm? Or 8pm? Like I’m just sitting around in a Marc Jacobs dress reading People Mag with nothing to do.

  472.  #473Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    @474: Lucy

    I don’t have much computer repair experience. I’ve never had one for personal use only without tech support attached until two years ago. For years I always had guys in support who took care of everything. Now I am on my own.

    However, many years ago I did have a home computer that was one of my son’s old ones and a guy friend “helped” me out. He was a very dear friend, computer programmer and all around techy geek.

    He killed what was left of my computer. We laughed about it hysterically but the computer never rose from the grave… 😆

    When I had a catastrophic wipe out last year some other geeky friends tried to talk me through it but succeeded only in confusing me. I eventually went to a shop and had to make some hard decisions what to do.

    I was very nervous and got estimates before handing over my computer and I stayed there while it was being worked on. I live on a very small budget so I did what I had to do to get myself up and running.

    What exactly is wrong with your computer? What is it not doing that it used to do?


  473.  #474Pamelala on February 25, 2011 at 5:12 pm


    re: assumptions, yes…I was sharing in half-jest. Something you might say, though, is “Oh, I feel overwhelmed. I just don’t know what to do next. What do you think?” that’s pretty RRish.

  474.  #475Daria on February 25, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Pam I really like re next step message..

    Hmm I feel curious… What do u think the next step should be?

    I’ll be using that, or even what do u think I should do now?

  475.  #476ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    OH… Kaitlyn’s post #478 just reminded me of something from Grad School… an amazing lecture on perceptions which I obviously need to read again, and try to force it to sink into my brain once more this time. Maybe it’ll help some of you, or you’ll at least find it interesting.

    It’s about perceptions and how they cloud up everything. You only see what you want to see, or what you feel and believe in your mind and heart, nothing else, whether what you “see” is truth/reality or not.

    Here it is…

    These words are all 100% completely straight from the mouth of my professor. The course is multicultural education. I simply sat, listened, wrote, and typed. The only personal input I contributed was the Gossip Girl quote. I kind of wish I could make the formatting look how it really does on word, haha. Oh well.

    It it meant to help us sit back and think… reflect and grow.


    » If wishes were horses, beggars would drive.

    » Socialization and identity formation overlap.
    ♦ How does our socialized self determine others?
    ♦ How do we (people) think of each other?
    ♦ Conduit perception
    • Situational
    • Dispositional

    » There is no such thing as misperceptions!
    ♦ It may not be accurate, but it is the way you saw it…
    • Because of your socialization

    » Paradigmatic (stereotypes)
    ♦ We put (file) people into organized boxes of thought

    » Behavior = situation + dispositions

    » Situations suggest that based upon factors at a certain time, one is propelled to behave a certain way.
    ♦ Exact environmental makeup at a certain time.
    ♦ We behave differently in different situations.

    » Disposition says, regardless of situations, we make the same responses based upon our socialized experiences.
    ♦ Dispositions are not genetic
    • Learned behaviors
    • Conscious and unconscious
    ♦ Correspondence bias = people have a tendency to conclude that someone has a disposition that corresponds to his/her behavior even when that behavior is actually attributable to a particular situation.
    ♦ We form: ideas, conclusions, perceptions, etc.

    » Correspondence Bias contributing factors
    ♦ The belief that people are authors of their own behavior and therefore their lives are controllable.
    ♦ If behavior is a product of inner forces, then not only can people control their own lives, but they can predict ways in which others will behave.

  476.  #477ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Misunderstanding Situations:

    » We have a tendency to underestimate situations even though situations, unlike behavior, are not tangible (invisible; can’t be seen, heard, touched).

    » You never know why someone is responding the way they are.

    » When people do recognize the presence of situational forces they can’t be expected to subtract them out of their behavioral observations.

    » YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING… ALL YOU SAW WAS (tangible) behavior, and you misread that.
    ♦ Insincerity with relationships
    • Say nice things – prevent offense
    → Want to pretend
    » Play the game

    » We underestimate the capacity of (powerful) situational forces to alter behavior.
    ♦ Depending on the situation, one will do anything.

    » By seeing this, we believe it
    ♦ It is hard (nearly impossible) to change that
    ♦ Self-fulfilling prophecy
    • The more you believe it, the more you perceive it
    • It will happen that way in your mind
    → Doesn’t mean that’s really what’s actually going on

    » Failure to appreciate nuances (subtleties) of situations

    ♦ We just analyze how one responds to the other person

    Misunderstanding Behavior:

    » The prior knowledge of our expectations exert a particularly strong influence on what we perceive others to do.

    » There is no neutral position other than (in) a car!
    ♦ You just don’t want to say/admit your position.
    • This does no wrong as far as you know
    ♦ Are you here to conk cows or drink milk?

    » Ask yourself – “What are my expectations?” Is that what’s really happening?

    ♦ If you expect it to happen, whether it happens or not, we do perceive it to happen
    • It’s all in your mind

    » Having knowledge and using knowledge are two completely different things.
    ♦ We don’t use knowledge when it comes to behavioral related things.
    • Most usually just hope for the best… for example, speeding.

    » The nature of perceptions is we often see things as conforming more to our expectations than they actually do…
    ♦ Again, what is really going on? Not what we see or think, but behind our perceptions what is actually happening?
    ♦ Example from Gossip Girl!
    • “It’s often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people will see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones that run as far as they can so they don’t have to look at themselves. And as for me, I can see clearly now.” [1×10 Hi, Society]

    Attribution Theory:

    » Behavior that conform to the demands of a situation should not be attributed to dispositions
    ♦ You probably ought to see it in the context in which it occurred
    ♦ We are products of how we were raised

    » Dispositional attribution, while giving people control of their own lives, act negatively by predicting peoples’ behaviors around them

    » More often than not we do not have reliable or complete information about the situation(s) that caused other peoples’ behavior
    ♦ What frame of mind was someone in on that particular day?
    ♦ What made them do what?

    » People’s expectations can lead them to have a distorted picture of the other person’s behavior, and it often does!
    ♦ How do your expectations match up with who the real person is?

    » Dispositional attributions may be easier to make than situational because people do not always have the mental energy to expend or engage in lengthy contemplation.
    ♦ What do we need to peel away?
    ♦ Who am I?
    ♦ How do I think of others?
    ♦ How do I think of myself?


    » Help you to see in a better picture…
    ♦ Why and how we think the way we do about the other…

    So yeah, this is meant to make you wonder, and reflect on our perceptions, and how they sway our thoughts and actions.

  477.  #478ConfuzzledCookie on February 25, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Misunderstanding Situations:

    » We have a tendency to underestimate situations even though situations, unlike behavior, are not tangible (invisible; can’t be seen, heard, touched).

    » You never know why someone is responding the way they are.

    » When people do recognize the presence of situational forces they can’t be expected to subtract them out of their behavioral observations.

    » YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING… ALL YOU SAW WAS (tangible) behavior, and you misread that.
    ♦ Insincerity with relationships
    • Say nice things – prevent offense
    → Want to pretend
    » Play the game

    » We underestimate the capacity of (powerful) situational forces to alter behavior.
    ♦ Depending on the situation, one will do anything.

    » By seeing this, we believe it
    ♦ It is hard (nearly impossible) to change that
    ♦ Self-fulfilling prophecy
    • The more you believe it, the more you perceive it
    • It will happen that way in your mind
    → Doesn’t mean that’s really what’s actually going on

    » Failure to appreciate nuances (subtleties) of situations

    ♦ We just analyze how one responds to the other person

    Misunderstanding Behavior:

    » The prior knowledge of our expectations exert a particularly strong influence on what we perceive others to do.

    » There is no neutral position other than (in) a car!
    ♦ You just don’t want to say/admit your position.
    • This does no wrong as far as you know
    ♦ Are you here to conk cows or drink milk?

    » Ask yourself – “What are my expectations?” Is that what’s really happening?

    ♦ If you expect it to happen, whether it happens or not, we do perceive it to happen
    • It’s all in your mind

    » Having knowledge and using knowledge are two completely different things.
    ♦ We don’t use knowledge when it comes to behavioral related things.
    • Most usually just hope for the best… for example, speeding.

    » The nature of perceptions is we often see things as conforming more to our expectations than they actually do…
    ♦ Again, what is really going on? Not what we see or think, but behind our perceptions what is actually happening?
    ♦ Example from Gossip Girl!
    • “It’s often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people will see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones th