Thank You

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zeke windowIt’s so easy to say “Be Thankful” when you’re feeling good and thankful…but I know that if you’re feeling blue…you don’t really feel like thanking anyone for anything.

When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings.

And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble.

That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.

Here’s a simple Exercise my coach, Ryan Eliason, gave me long ago – it’s called The Three Blessings:

Before bed, simply find three things you might consider as blessings in your life, and say them.

For me, I could see my dog and say I feel blessed to have my dog near me.

I could feel blessed that I had a good dinner and a glass of water.

I could feel blessed to have a window next to the bed, so I can see green plants and flowers.

The next night, it might be three different things.

Makes no difference how big or small.

The point is just to bring your attention to something that you can think of like a blessing and that feels like a blessing (no matter what else the thought of anything at all being a blessing triggers in you).

If you try to think of the Three Blessings exercise as a way to “think positively” – you’ll trigger yourself more intensely – so try “formatting” it for yourself this way…

It’s just a way to sort of “clear the lens” you’re looking at the world through.

A way to “readjust” the projector of your perspective.

A way to “reset” your “internal viewpoint.”

A way to work with your mind, instead of focusing on your circumstances.

If you look at the exercise in this gentle way, and do it gently – you might find it kind of fun and good feeling.

For me – my first blessing is you.

The fact that you’re here, that you’re a part of this community, that you care, that you’re sharing love and honoring other women and working hard to change your “view” and try new thoughts on for size, that you’re willing to dive deep into the inner sea of your feelings and let them carry you through the world – that’s magic.

For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.

So my thanks in this moment is for the possibility that exists for each of us – no matter what things look like from behind our “lens.”

Let me know what your Three Blessings are tonight, and though I don’t believe I have any power to bless, if I did, it would feel incredible to be able to shower you all with blessings…so, because it feels so good to even consider it – I’ll just do it.

Blessings to you!

Love, Rori

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132 Comments

  1.  #1Tee on November 26, 2015 at 3:54 am

    I know I’m blessed but I’m also triggered. I’m trying to readjust, reset my viewpoints and maybe my anger is part of it. Or disappointment I should say. I knew this was coming because it seems like I can never be too comfortable or too settled before something my fiancé does rubs me the wrong way.

    Why can’t They readjust, or reset their viewpoints? Why isn’t it enough for them to take seriously that something bothers you?
    How are you supposed to feel loved, honored and cherished in the middle of that?

    I’ve heard that the answers are inside & not outside. I hate the raw, tender and exposed feelings that this brings up. I want to think & do….I don’t want to feel. I wish (in some ways) that getting another type of man was the answer but I can’t be 100% sure of that.

    I’m certain that if I had a more “Type A” kinda guy that I’d be bored. Sure there’s a certain level of stability he’d have but I think that eventually, I’d be bothered by that as well.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love my fiancé. He’s a good dude in so many ways. He’s also very much a man’s man, more actions than words, very blue collar, very hands on, definitely some adhd. He needs sights, sounds, movement, interactions alot more than I do.

    I feel lost when he’s not around. When we’re out, I sometimes feel like I can’t keep up with his whirlwind of activity! But that’s not who I wanna be, not anymore.

    I don’t wanna be the woman trying to keep up, sitting around looking lost in the shuffle.
    I want to be the woman that’s confident no matter what, someone who isn’t always caught off guard by crippling insecurities, gremlins whispering into my ear that he’s with someone better, prettier, more fun, more confident, etc.

    I want, I want, I want. It feels so unreachable sometimes. I feel like I’m watching it all slip away through a veil of tears. This can no longer be my story. Me always sitting around waiting, him knowing that I’m waiting smh ugh :/

    I know it’s too early for this but we have a long day ahead and I just needed to get this off my chest. I felt really abandoned & disappointed in E yesterday and I can’t spend the entire day with an attitude. Actually lol I can but it’s old….I’m just so over some of my own junk.

    I appreciate you ladies so much!
    Happy Thanksgiving 🙂



  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 26, 2015 at 4:03 am

    Thank you thank you thank you



  3.  #3Mandy on November 26, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    I received a text from Valentine, he said he couldn’t make it to my place this morning as he had planned, but when he said he was upset about his work calling in a needing him, and not being able to spoil me today, I just wanted to give him a big hug and kiss and felt so glowy and I am so grateful for him. His remorse of not being able to come see me made my heart SWELL WITH GOOD LOVING FEELINGS. Usually one would choose to be upset but his telling me work needed him and how upset he was that he couldnt see me this morning….but goodness my heart just blew WIDE open with love and sweetness!



  4.  #4Lilybelly on November 26, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Blessings to you all.

    I feel blessed tonight because:

    I have wonderful, loving friends. What a lovely day spent with the dearest of them. How wonderful it was to have two of my dear friends snuggle with me on the couch after dinner while our husbands just hung out. Acceptance and a feeling of being safe and loved. Ahhhh…it has been awhile since I felt that. I have been blocking that love out despite how much I feel it for the peeps in my circle..

    I am growing and stretching.. and learning. I don’t feel like I am doing any real healing but I am observing and I feel ever so grateful for that.

    For my safe and warm home.. i feel my absolute best here. My absolute safest.. For me, there is nothing like coming home..



  5.  #5Lilybelly on November 26, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    213: previous thread..

    T-Girl,

    I love to see the photos of you and hubby. They make me smile, every time.

    I feel so happy you are happy.



  6.  #6Tee on November 27, 2015 at 5:00 am

    My apologies to you Sirens for being a wet blanket on Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a good time 🙂



  7.  #7Mandy on November 27, 2015 at 5:04 am

    Sirens, I have one of those issues again with girlfriends talking a bunch of crap about a guy.

    Starla, I’d like your advice on something in particular if you’ve got the time, about my “Sir” (one of my CDs.)

    One of my CDs (a female who I confide in, who I also happen to go on dates with, nothing serious at all) just gave me an earful about Valentine. He had told me he was going to make the thirty minute drive to come see me this morning. Then his work called him and said they needed him. Perfectly understandable in my eyes. He also tried to make it to the club I always go to but couldn’t make it due to having to come take care of his child. He also invited me over to his place once but I was the one who couldn’t make it. We’ve had some rough times trying to see each other, even though we’re constantly talking romantically and sweetly, and he provides a lot of support.

    You see, she kept telling me he’s not into me because he hasn’t seen me for forever. Keep in mind he’s just completed a move from an apartment to another place, he works 10 hour shifts from 6pm to 6am, meaning he has four hours to himself, and has a daughter. She keeps telling me to ditch him.

    It really feels very anxious like someone is lighting a fire under my bum when someone tells me to stop seeing someone just because of unfortunate circumstances. I told her, his work called in, what was he going to do? And she said “But he still didn’t see you like he said he would”.

    I feel angry at this. It feels like she’s the type no one can do anything perfect for. She told me since he hadn’t seen me in awhile I should ditch him and the thing is I’m not so sure she doesn’t just want me for herself because SHE is one of my CD’s too! But also, I don’t understand why she feels the need to criticize my situation when she had called me in the first place because she was upset her guy went and spent Thanksgiving with his ex.

    In one of my last posts I talked about how a woman was complaining that if a guy doesn’t say hi to you everyday he’s not someone you should be seeing, I feel the same on this issue. Why can’t I have him as one of my guys is my circle?

    All I want is for him to be in my circle. I am not planning on marrying the guy. I am not planning on having him as my boyfriend. Just want to spend some time with the man. Jeez.

    What should I say to my friend?



  8.  #8Starla on November 27, 2015 at 6:29 am

    Say nothing! She is a cd! Don’t talk about your life life problems to a cd!

    My advice is to instead admit to yourself how this guy is making you feel that you would talk about him and also want to defend him like it even matters what she thinks, and explore your feelings around this guy. Riff your feelings here, maybe. You’re very much in your head and avoiding your own feelings and inner knowing and feelings.

    She felt the need to criticize because she had the opportunity to in the first place through you talking to her about him. Sink into your feelings and talk to yourself first before talking to others. We talk to others as a way of avoiding having to REALLY feel and really trust ourselves.



  9.  #9Starla on November 27, 2015 at 6:29 am

    *love life problems



  10.  #10Mandy on November 27, 2015 at 6:55 am

    Starla, that sounds about right.

    Okay here goes….

    Goodness gracious, where do I start, I feel confused and anxious and like a perfectionist to a fault.

    I am a worry wort. I have debilitating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and I know when it kicks in, and it sometimes kicks in about dating. Like OMG did I do something wrong????????

    I feel angry with her because she just tore into it as though she had the right when her own relationship is a piece of work.

    Usually when I speak about him it’s nothing but good things. I feel pressured to ditch him because of her. I don’t want to do that. I think She is showing her true colors. It’s weird, if I have a female CD, I’d like to think I could talk to her about guys especially if she is in an open relationship, lol.

    Whatever. I just feel angry and sad she said that stuff. What makes me worry it may be valid is that she is in the Lifestyle, and that’s why I wanted to ask you in particular, Starla.

    Huh, I still don’t feel like I’ve riffed deep enough. I feel like cat got my tongue.
    Anxious to speak. I feel stiffened. I feel out of touch. I am going through a rough last week of the month, I lost my wallet and so I can’t get medicine without my medical card, can’t use my food stamps and can’t go out.

    There it is, I feel defeated. I feel like my boy side isn’t taking care of my girl side. I feel insecure as can be because of it. So if anyone around me even hints at there being a problem, I go, OMG, it’s all going to fall apart…

    Yes, I feel very frustrated…so much I want to put my head through a wall. It will be nice when I get my cards back and get paid so I can take care of myself.

    I think I’ll back off on CoffyNoir. That was a huge turnoff, lol.



  11.  #11Starla on November 27, 2015 at 7:12 am

    Oooh I love it. What about your feelings about HIM? Not having processed and felt deeply enough about him is one reason you are having so much come up with a secondary trigger (her). I encourage you to riff on your feelings about him.



  12.  #12Starla on November 27, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Also, consider that sometimes aligning ourselves socially with people who represent what we don’t want while we are on a mission to get it, such as a monogamous relationship with one man, can really muddy things for us emotionally and energetically . The company we keep affects us and our energy and signals we send to the universe about what we want so so much.



  13.  #13Starla on November 27, 2015 at 9:03 am

    “Huh, I still don’t feel like I’ve riffed deep enough. I feel like cat got my tongue.
    Anxious to speak. I feel stiffened. I feel out of touch.”

    the next step in riffing is noticing where you feel it in your body and what that feels like, so that might resolve this.



  14.  #14Siren Angel on November 27, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Azure Blue,

    I am responding to your post on previous thread.

    If your man has an adult daughter that has schizophrenia and hasn’t invited you over to his place, I understand perfectly and this is not about you.

    He likely wants to protect his daughter from any stress or change as this can cause a crisis. And someone in her home would be a big change.

    I have a 22 year old son with schizophrenia so I understand.

    He also might think that you do not fully understand the schizophrenia and might be uncomfortable if his daughter acted out while you are there. He might be afraid you will be dissapointed in meeting his daughter too as schizophrenics don’t have the best social skills.

    I would ask straight out if that is an issue for him.

    Hugs



  15.  #15Femininewoman on November 27, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Hey!!! Siren Angel!! How are you?



  16.  #16Siren Angel on November 27, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Hi FW,

    I am great! Engaged! And living with M and all our kids (except his only come on weekends now as their mom moved to another city). His kids are now much better with me (except his daughter who just turned 9, but she’s unpleasant with everyone, lol)

    My man has been very good to me.



  17.  #17Siren Angel on November 27, 2015 at 9:56 am

    I am still using the tools everyday. I would not survive without them.

    How are you FW?



  18.  #18Starla on November 27, 2015 at 10:54 am

    Siren Angel, which are your go to tools every day? 🙂



  19.  #19Mandy on November 27, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Huuhhh…if I riff about him I might take off like a rocket into the sky lol, meaning…WHOAAAAAA romantic feelings.

    Yes the romantic feelings are hard to admit and scary but there they are. This one makes me feel so special it’s like…hey look, there’s a guy who GETS it.

    I feel fiery passion for him. Every time I hear from him my heart slips a beat. It’s overwhelming. Weak in the knees. I feel overwhelmed with attraction and passion. It’s like that attraction that is very deep and exploding with fire.

    I have nothing negative to say about him which feels funny, because all I ever had to say about J was neg neg neg.

    Keep in mind I’m not in a serious relationship with Valentine he’s just a CD, but wow he evokes some passion in me…the type I haven’t felt since I was a teenager with a huge crush.

    Being my Dominant, we keep each other at a distance because neither of us wants a relationship but there’s the fetish relationship we have which has bonded us to each other emotionally. It’s a safe thing for us because both of us are petrified of serious relationships at this point.

    Point being I feel so very swooning and hot for this guy. He’s taken the time to get to know me carefully, he pays attention to what I’m doing and how I’m feeling and he cares for me deeply.

    See I love this right now, and I don’t want it going anywhere. It feels good. It is in the moment. It has no expectations. It’s like we’re just a couple of kids flirting. It feels fun, and exciting, and I don’t see any harm being done if I have other CDs and he’s not the focus of my life.

    I feel angry when our thing is criticized. You’re right I shouldn’t talk to female CDs about it, I just thought hey she’s a friend like my other female friends so we can gab, but oopsies…lol, I wonder what people tell MEN about how to get and keep a WOMAN? LOL. It would be funny to find out.



  20.  #20Starla on November 27, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Mandy, I misunderstood, so I apologize! I was getting the impression you were venting to her from a place of disappointment about this guy. Now I am getting the sense that you are 100% okay with how things are with him.



  21.  #21Starla on November 27, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Sirens, I feel so grateful for a day off of work with nowhere I have to be. I spent the morning being very lazy in front of the tv and cuddling with the kitty, and now I feel recharged for the first time in ages to get to work on sprucing up my living space to be something way more happy making (i.e., clean. lol). I have a hard time staying motivated so I will check back with a progress report!

    In general, I have more work to do on keeping myself peaceful and happy. I’ve made huge strides but there are some really obvious things that I never end up doing to increase my happy factor.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on November 27, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Congrats Siren Angel. I am feeling surprised. I remember back when you used to post mire I did not expect the relationship to survive.



  23.  #23Mandy on November 27, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    Starla,

    Wow, yes, that’s what I JUST thought earlier – I don’t have a problem with it so why does she?

    I know sometimes people feel triggered with hostility when they don’t understand something, when they’ve worked hard to obey certain rules and see them being broken, or when they feel someone isn’t being enough of a “diva”. That feels weird to say but it’s how I feel. The whole “criticize someone else because I feel bad thing.” Toxicity being projected onto me.

    I’m a diva, but I’m not a bitch, and the only thing I wish for this guy and I is to be able to see each other more, that’s it, and we’re both trying. This happened with a few of my exes, we planned like three dates that didn’t happen because we were both sick or moving, or something, and then the fourth try was the first and best date we’d ever had, lol. I don’t think she understands we are brand new together and haven’t had a chance yet because both of our living situations changed when we met. Oddly enough.

    I think he’s here in my experience for a lesson I need to learn. I think he’s helping me to recognize when a good man has his energy coming towards you, is admiring you and is a little spellbound, even though he is quite a specimen himself. Also when a guy insists on paying for something and coming to you. He’s Hispanic, and his roots are deep, and his family taught him that a woman taking him out or buying him a drink is a no-no, even though he’s caved in a few times, he says (but he told me point blank not to spend money on him, lol. That was awesome, I was like I’M FREE, lol.) That really made things clear, I thought, this guy is old-fashioned like my dad, that’s good, maybe I ought to get used to this masculine behavior. People might call this Machismo, but I think it’s hot, lol. He’s also very caring gentle and nurturing, like a man ought to be, and it really surprises me because he’s only 25. When I say this stuff to my friend CoffyNoir, she starts in on it.

    I feel like, if this is fun, if I like it, if I am having fun, what’s wrong with it? It’s just a couple of kids flirting and playing in the meadow…sure it may look cheesy on the outside, but for a minute, we get lost in our own reality together, and we both love it.

    I noticed his reaction to other men trying to talk to me, it is fiery, it makes him come to me and protect me. That’s awesome, that’s exactly what makes me feel safe. I LOVE when a man does that.

    I’m just loving this person’s ability to give, care, have passion and live life to the fullest. There’s something he has I want for myself, that’s for sure. I think it’s the confidence. I still feel a little meek on the inside, polite and fearful, timid. He really knows how to command himself and his daughter and his job. It’s flipping hot. But ya, just the fact he’s in my dating circle makes me happy. I am cool with that. He’s very special.

    Only thing I can find that I am a little concerned with, is how much feeling and attachment I’ve developed for him in such little time, and the fact I’ve maintained much more interest in him than others. That feels frivolous, but there they are, the very fond feelings. The feelings you have when you fall for someone, and he’s said the L word a long time ago. We’re holding this space and able to be fond of each other inside it without expectations or drama.

    Sometimes I am kind of afraid that he will hear something from someone about my other CDs and get mad though.



  24.  #24Emerson on November 27, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    Rori
    This feels so good to read…so soothing, simple and real…I feel that my three blessings are my peaceful home, my job and lovely, kind coworkers and my parents who are still healthy enough to have quality time with me and give me advice.

    I am so very very fortunate to have all of this in my life. I also feel thankful for this blog and for Rori….I click on here and I am reminded that I am not alone in my journey in trying to find my feminine voice and inner strength….and the beauty that it’s possible…



  25.  #25Emerson on November 27, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    21 Starla that sounds soo nice!
    It feels cozy to lounge in the morning!!
    Good for you 🙂
    I am looking forward to some changes in my work schedule where i will have more free time in the afternoons….I will definitely have some lounge time in my future!!!
    I need it and I don’t feel guilty about it now like I used to….??? Well I know it’s necessary to recharge…
    and I believe in striving for life balance…even though I tend to work a lot I’m working on a better strategy…work smarter not harder!



  26.  #26Turquoise on November 28, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Hi Sirens! I hope for those who celebrate, you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! It was sad not having my girls, but I hosted my family and my turkey turned out awesome. One of the best things about hosting, is that I get so much more cleaning and organizing done than I would otherwise. I can be a huge procrastinator so having a finite time commitment is a huge help. Starla, I definitely agree that a clean and organized home helps me feel so much better. I fell relaxed, comfortable, proud and…. Free. My first two floors are about spotless and my plan today to to tackle the bedrooms. Mine isn’t bad… Just my closets are a mess, but it got a thorough cleaning not long ago. I’ll put some music on and imagine how content I’ll feel in my bedroom, my sanctuary…. And how there is space for a man to fill. My girls rooms are mainly their responsibility, but every two months or so I go in and do a their ought cleaning, to my standard… But also because sometimes I feel like they actually do need help. They can get overwhelmed with what to get rid of, how to organize, and giving a deep cleaning. My spare room has become our catch all room… Time and time again, when we don’t know what to do with something… It ends up in there. Right now the toys my girls don’t want in their rooms (mostly dolls to save) clothes they aren’t sure of, things they have outgrown…. All end up in there. I just keep picturing how calm I’ll feel when it’s just done… Ready and inviting for guests, or a space we can use in a better way. I won’t get it all done today… But all 4 rooms will get time and attention… And improvement. Years ago I found a website that helped me so much. It’s called flylady.net and she gives simple plans to get organized, to have a schedule, and how not to feel overwhelmed. I suggest anyone feeling they struggle with their home, take a look. She also has a holiday planning guide. Some of my favorite tips…..
    1. Shine your sink. Do your dishes and scrub it down, clean with glass cleaner. Don’t leave dushes to pile up. Either wash as you go or full your dishwasher. Your kitchen immediately looks better when it’s clean! 2. Don’t take out more than you can put back on an hour. You’ll get overwhelmed, tired… And end up with more of a mess than you started with. Do a shelf or a drawer at a time. And the most helpful to me has been to set a timer for 15 min. And work in one room. Don’t get sidetracked by moving things into new rooms, just make a pile. After 15 min. Set again for 15 and take the pile to s new room and start there. Repeat again with 15 in a 3rd room. Then take a 15 min. Break. In one hour you have now helped straighten and organize 3 rooms rather than spending an hour either just in one, or bouncing from room to room putting things away, yet not really feeling like you are making much progress. . Repeat the process until rooms are done, or you have had enough for the day. Another great tip is to spend 15 min. a day in the worst room/area of your home. Pretty soon it won’t be the worst anymore!
    I feel inspired now to think of how I can apply these principals to dating. Hmmm… Well instead of focusing on one man and feeling overwhelmed, I can divide my time and energy between multiple men in my life and time for loving myself too. They will get finished and need less time until ultimately, I feel good in all rooms… Or have total package in the relationship I want. 🙂 keeping my sink shined, reminds me of keeping my emotions healthy. Not to let things build up until I’m overflowing… To process and take care of me daily. To love myself enough to keep me shining. 🙂 she also talks about getting up each day, hair/makeup/ dressed to shoes… Being prepared for the day, looking beautiful for yourself, and how confident you’ll feel facing the world. She also shares daily affirmations… You know what, I’m not sure I ever thought about how much our homes are a reflection of ourselves, how we feel… Peaceful and clean or chaotic and neglected…. Can all stem from perfectionism. Either I must do do do to keep it all perfect, or I can’t make it perfect so why try… How many of us feel that same way in relationships? There have been times I just completely give up on dating…. Or barely scratch the surface and talk, but don’t invite them in to my life, to see the real me. I’m going to create a plan for December, not exactly sure what…. But to keep my home open and inviting and myself open and inviting. I really miss bring in love. I want that closeness again.



  27.  #27Azure Blu on November 28, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Starla #8
    I really want to explore this!!
    “Sink into your feelings and talk to yourself first before talking to others. We talk to others as a way of avoiding having to REALLY feel and really trust ourselves.”



  28.  #28Azure Blu on November 28, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Turq #25
    LOVE this!!! Yes, I will visit this site
    flylady.net
    I have noticed the better I feel about myself the better my house looks!
    And I really like your analogy about using the steps with your CDing!



  29.  #29Azure Blu on November 28, 2015 at 7:24 am

    (Mandy)))
    Even though your life seems out of control right now…
    You still sound so much better than I’ve ever heard you sound since I have been on Siren Island!!
    Brava you Rockin’ Siren!!!

    I know how out of control things can feel when so many things are NOT working for you!
    I know what a good support your family is… maybe you can lean on them a bit till the cards come in!
    oxoxo



  30.  #30Azure Blu on November 28, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Siren Angel #14
    Thank you for those wonderful words of knowledge!!!

    Yes, He has said it’s partly because of her that I haven’t been over…
    he has invited me 2 times and now on Thanksgiving… but I still haven’t been able to go over cause its always last minute!!!
    all day he textd and called me to spend the day with him at his house
    cause E (his daughter) was out all day…
    BUT it was so funny cause I told him several times I was busy on Thanksgiving… (at the big game with my other CD RM – he thought i was with my family)
    I simply textd him happy thanksgiving and ignored all the other stuff he was texting me…
    The next day I was going to say something about the messages but decided the best way to handle it was to ignore it!!
    Sure enough he called and came over with pizza for my son (31 yrs) and I.
    he spent the day at my house while I worked and then we met with friends at the end of the day…
    he spent the night (in my bed now)

    I have a Skitzophrenic sister so I have some insight into that behavior… but really never had to deal with it on a day to day basis!!



  31.  #31Starla on November 28, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Azure, why not just go over there at the last minute? Do you refuse on principle or are you truly too busy with real obligations to go over each time?



  32.  #32IamHis on November 29, 2015 at 6:00 am

    So much processing. I feel…I feel…relieved, actually. I let myself have a good long sob. It felt so amazing.

    It was the best crying session I’ve ever had. I felt completely there with myself, I felt my pain and my beauty and my gentleness and I just sobbed and then what I believe is supposed to happen after you cry happened…I felt better.

    For such a long time I would sob, expecting to feel better, but there was still pain there…pain that I feared would never go away.

    I’m still working so hard to get through this.

    Sometimes working hard means surrendering, being gentle with yourself, giving yourself time and space.

    Trust feels like the single most difficult thing in the world. Who I trust is shifting, who I learn from surprises me.

    Trusting myself will happen. It will.

    Strangers have started smiling and laughing at me for reasons I don’t quite understand, but it feels absolutely amazing.

    I unintentionally made a scene at work.

    I was just overwhelmed with emotion and needed somewhere to go, something to do, somewhere safe to feel.

    I felt so panicked. I wanted a person, but there wasn’t anyone that I trusted enough to fall apart in front of.

    I put in my two weeks notice.

    I didn’t know what else to do.



  33.  #33Lilybelly on November 29, 2015 at 6:57 am

    ((((Iamhis)))

    I envy you and also hug you.

    Being able to let yourself cry and sob is brave and amazing to me. Hugs.

    ******

    I am cold as stone now, for the last two weeks. I feel nothing…nothing at all. Just anger and even then, it has barely scratched the surface. I wonder if I have been ruined, finally. I feel like I am just an actor in a movie, you know? I feel nothing. Not sadness, not even glimmers of happy..i feel fake and wrecked. But, i can’t even feel it.

    Ugh.

    Nothingness..



  34.  #34IamHis on November 29, 2015 at 9:54 am

    (((((Lilybelly))))) – Oh my sweetness, thank you. & from someone who is hurting so much!! I know it’s hard to feel, I’ve been there, the numbness is often worse than the pain. You’ve got my prayers. ♡♡♡♡



  35.  #35Azure Blu on November 29, 2015 at 11:40 am

    Starla #30…
    Truly, the 2 times he’s asked I’ve had to work…
    and really didn’t realize how looooong it would be till he asked again…
    Like others have said… All my CDs couldn’t wait till I visited their “castle”.

    Thanksgiving day (he knew i had plans)
    Later he asked if I could come over after my thanksgiving…
    BUT I had just spent all day with RMcd…
    It feels odd to see both of them on the same day…
    and I was truly exhausted…
    AND I needed to sleep cause I worked on Fri!!
    I simply said I’d talk the next day…
    I do feel better that he has invited me 3 times to his house now…



  36.  #36Azure Blu on November 29, 2015 at 11:44 am

    (((((Lillybell #32)))))
    Ohhh… I feel sadness for your aching heart…
    sending you warm cashmere blankets and soft billowy
    clouds to wrap yourself up in!!!
    oxoxo



  37.  #37Mandy on November 29, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Azure, yes everything has changed, I’ve been through a lot. I was feeling very down last night, and alone.

    So this was weird…

    I just had to shake myself out of my state of mind. I felt like a nerd last night dressed down at this place I went to, lol, and I had a bad time.

    So this morning I woke up got myself some coffee, hugged my cat and then put on my swim suit and pointed to myself in the mirror and said YOU….ARE PRETTY AND FUN. YES. YOU.

    ….and somehow it made me feel better, lol. That’s is the style of person I want in my life. Who will sit me down and tell me what is real and not to feel so badly. THAT’S what I want!!!!!!!!!

    That was the style of parenting I received…very straight-forward, to the point and no holding back, hell-bent on grinding truths into my head, lol. Even my brothers were like this with me. They’d sit me down and say, THIS is what’s real. It’s you and it’s good, I remember one of my ex’s being that way, incredibly nurturing in a very straightforward and aggressive manner. Aggressively nurturing, if it is consensual. That’s what I need *right now*. I didn’t realize this until now.
    When I become stronger, in that area, I won’t need someone else to teach me that, but that’s what I want from my CDs.

    I would like to know how to attract a very nurturing man who is sturdy on the inside, even if he deals with a little anxiety or attention-deficit, that’s fine, I find most people are diagnosed with that these days.
    I mean he doesn’t have tyo be the shining example of a man lol, just a caring, nurturing friend. Nothing wrong with that.

    I have to say this. I’ve noticed in the area I live in, a lot of men are raised Catholic, and there’s the Machismo people talk about. There’s a HELL of a lot of jealousy flying around with men and me right now and it scares the ever-living daylights out of me. One CD once told me I was going to break a lot of hearts if I CD.

    Here’s my point. I see a lot of men who REALLY thrive off trust. ANd if you make him think he’s the most special guy, he’ll think he’s very special to you, then when he gets wind someone else is seeing you, he won’t feel special anymore, he will feel like you made him think you really liked him and it was just a passing phase.

    I worry about this a lot, because my one biggest fear is accidentally hurting people’s feelings. SO I have to conceal a lot of CDing from other CDs, it feels like.

    In Moulin Rouge, this man says in a song, love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust, with no trust there is no love, of course this is from a fairytale story and I have to be aware that love and princess stories are all fake and very much a social conditioning tactic.

    But I have to say, with the men I see, they are…fiercly passionate and it scares me. I might mean more to them than I think, and then if I treat them like I don’t mean that much to them,. they will think they don’t mean that much to me, etc.

    I REALLY don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am very very afraid of that Sirens. If I did…I would have a very rough, long time forgiving myself.



  38.  #38Sapphire on November 29, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    185 Zia previous post
    Hi just had a thought. Zia how about making love to you. It will release some of your frustration, give you a sexy vibe and might just pull him in. You said that he shows he cares in lots of other ways. Rori has a tool sensual meditation.

    Sapphire x



  39.  #39Turquoise on November 29, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    Someday came to visit yesterday… Sore mouth and all, and it felt lovely to have his company. It always seems like I hear from multiple cd’s at the same time. Friend CD was texting me and a friend of a friend messaged me, both while he was on his way. Someday and I have plans for my birthday in a few weeks… He’s so cute sirens…. Blue eyes, nice coloring, light brown hair… And short with nice shoulders. But it’s funny, he has some mannerisms that remind me so much of sweetheart, it’s a little bittersweet. (Sweetheart passed away almost 2 years ago)

    My girls came home today and I’ve been in a cooking/baking/cleaning mood! Not really in the Christmas decorating mood yet, but my neighborhood is very decorated and that does feel festive. I’ll start this week. Tomorrow I have a movie date with my girls.



  40.  #40Kath on November 30, 2015 at 4:53 am

    Its been a while since I caught up with you all and a lot has happened- all good and I am pleased to say that I have been finding it easier to incorporate Rori’s tools in my life and seeing the results!!

    My own sense of self worth has rocketed this year and I feel so much more confident about what I want- and who I want. I did start seeing a guy but it wasn’t right and I ended it- very nicely- saying it wasn’t what I wanted. My X, R has been on my mind a lot and I recently learnt that I have been on his mind too. We have been in contact by text and then yesterday he text me saying he was distraught. He’d had two of his grandchildren for a sleepover last night and they were both asking where I was and kept asking why I wasn’t there. He said he got really upset and just wanted to speak to me. He’d also found a letter I wrote him when I moved out last year and he said it destroyed him. For the first time I undertsood and saw what I meant and cried when he read it. He said he felt so bad for everything that had happened and why we couldn’t have communicated to each other. I said I only ever wrote things down when speaking my truth wasn’t heard. It feels so good to be calm and confident and in control- I am hoping that he and I are finally turning a corner-as there is no-one else for me.



  41.  #41Colleen on November 30, 2015 at 9:59 am

    Hi-
    I am going through a devastating breakup with my boyfriend of 3+ years. He recently told me that he is not sure if he wants to get married or have children. This comes after years of talking about taking the next step, looking at rings, etc. He even told my best friend that he was going to marry me. My world has turned upside down since we lived together and no longer see or talk to each other. I know I made a mistake in the beginning by trying to talk to him and I think I only pushed him further away. He said he needs space and I’m finally learning now how to give it to him. It’s heartbreaking to not hear from the person who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I know I need to give him his space and time and focus on myself for once. I was always concerned about taking care of him and making him happy and by doing that, I put myself on the back burner. Does anyone have any advice for me? Do you think he will ever come back?



  42.  #42Azure Blu on November 30, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    Zia #185 from last thread
    Here is something I like from Rori:

    The “More” Tool: 5 Steps To Getting What You Need From Him

    “There are so many possible “scripts” to say to a man (they’re all in my Love Scripts program), and so many possible things you can be feeling that you’ll need to express in order to get what you need from him – so let’s make it a simple 5 Steps:
    Step 1: Get Grounded
    • Start by sitting down with yourself, breathing on purpose to calm your mind, to get a little clearer about what you want to do here.
    • Put your feet on the floor, and feel your toes (even through shoes) making contact with the “ground.”
    Make sure you can give yourself as much time as you need for this so you don’t feel rushed.
    Also, be VERY aware of the Nasty Voices in your head that keep judging you for even spending time on yourself this way (if you don’t make yourself “valuable” to yourself – it’ll be way harder to get valued by a man…)
    Step 2: Make A List
    Write down all the things you want MORE of.
    This step is important: Leave LOTS of room down the page for each item, because you’re going to be writing scripts around each one – you can even use a whole side of a sheet of paper for each item…
    Get started by writing down whatever comes to you. Whatever you’re angry at, whatever you feel he’s giving you too LITTLE of:
    • If it’s “not enough” calls and contact, write that down any way you can.
    • If it’s affection and sex – write that down any way you feel it.
    For each item, write down how you FEEL about this “lack” of something, or “longing for more of something.”
    (It’s okay for now if your language isn’t in the “Rori Raye Feeling Message” style, even if it’s blaming him or yourself. The important thing is to just get it out and down on paper.
    The IMPORTANT thing here is for you to actually get truly honest with yourself about what you WANT and what you’re missing, and what you want MORE of.
    Now…
    Step 3: Start TRANSLATING
    This step is still just for you – right now we’re just getting prepared to speak to an in-the-flesh man by getting some personal scripts going. Scripts that will WORK instead of drive him further away and get you even LESS of what you want.
    Here’s how you TRANSLATE:
    1. Take each item, each bit of writing you’ve done around it, and consider it the “starter” of the script.
    2. Rewrite it by taking out every single “you” in what you’ve written, and change every action word from something he did or didn’t do to something you feel.
    That could look like: “You never call me!” turned to: “I feel better when I get called.” Or, “I feel good when I hear your voice.”
    It could look like: “You never want to have sex anymore!” turned to: “It would feel good to have sex with you,” or, “It would feel good to feel your naked body next to mine,” or, “It would feel good to have more sex…”
    After you’ve gone through your entire list, and turned everything from an angry accusation or judgment to a pure expression of what would feel good to you – you have the beginnings of a real script for each thing you want MORE of!
    Step 4: Now PRACTICE
    • Face a mirror and practice saying the script for each item on your list to yourself in the mirror.
While you’re speaking out loud to yourself in the mirror – tilt your body backwards a bit (away from the mirror), and focus your attention on “tracking” the tension and sensations your body’s feeling.
That could look like making sure your shoulders are relaxed…and your arms are hanging down by your sides with your palms turned outward toward yourself in the mirror.
    • Position yourself in the room as though he’s standing about five feet from you, in an imaginary situation that feels familiar to you.
Practice breathing and relaxing your body while you speak to him. Practice leaning back with your body slightly tilted away from him, practice breathing while you imagine what he’s saying back to you.
    • Now practice responding to what ever you’re imagining he’s saying to you. (Amazingly, once you begin doing this you’ll notice that you really can predict exactly what he’s going to say!)
He most often says exactly the same thing. Over and over and over again. And you are most likely thinking and saying the same things over and over again, too.
    So what’s going to happen here? Something different! So…
    Step 5: Be Surprised!
    You’re going to say something different, and he’s going to respond slightly differently.
    And even if he doesn’t – if he says the same thing he always says, or gets defensive the way he always does – you’ll have a script to speak to him no matter WHAT he says!
    How to do this?
    For each item on your list, after your “starting script” – write a “follow-up script.” In other words write a “Round Two” response to him. (I explain and demonstrate “Rounds” completely in my Love Scripts online video program)
    The magic of this is that even if you try it once – just once – you’re going to experience a completely different outcome. Also, you’re going to feel so much more confident.
    Now here’s the wrap up of this whole thing:
    Heart Connection Key: Bookend The Script
    This “bookend” is like a script all by itself. You “wrap” your request for more inside it.
    It starts with appreciation and it ends with you asking him, in a non-pressured way, to connect with you – because this is how you truly engage him, create safety, and set it up so that he WANTS to please you.
    So start like this: “Thank you.”
    Yup, I want you to thank him for something. Even though you may feel angry with him and frustrated and scared to be opening up this can of worms, start with an appreciation.
    • Start with thanking him for just listening to you. Or for working so hard if he’s focused on work and bringing in money these days.
    • Start with a thank you for listening even if he’s NOT listening.
    • Find something to thank him for that you really truly do feel appreciative of.
    Now, after the “bookend” of the “Thank you” – you say your very short feeling sentence and then: You end your little script with the “bookend”: “What do you think?”



  43.  #43Mandy on November 30, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    Okay I really need help. My ex J is starting to harass and bully me with mean phone calls and watch all my online activity and put me down about it. I recieved two calls last night in which he did this and hung up on me, after he asked me to come to his place and I said no I’m tired. then he checked up on me online and said “I thought you were tireed” I said ” I had to take my sleep meds” and he said “Right…”

    He’s making me miserable even from afar.
    All he does is put me down. Neg neg neg, bully bully bully. This is the same guy who broke his ex’s window to her apartment because he punched it in anger because she wouldn’t open the door and talk to him.



  44.  #44Tatia Dee on November 30, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    “When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings. And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble. That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.”

    Absolutely Lovely Rori! Going to share this quote.

    Much Love,

    Tatia



  45.  #45Tatia Dee on November 30, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Mandy # 41
    I feel nervous that you are not in a “safe” place.

    Please walk into you local police station and talk to a domestic violence officer.

    You don’t have to make a report or file any charges (unless you want to).

    But please talk to a domestic violence officer about this.

    I feel afraid about his behavior.

    Please be proactive about this situation.

    Love,

    Tatia



  46.  #46Lilybelly on December 1, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Mandy,

    Can you make yourself “hidden” for whatever you are doing online?



  47.  #47Lilybelly on December 1, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Mandy,

    Can you make yourself “hidden” for whatever you are doing online so he can’t see you are on?



  48.  #48Lilybelly on December 1, 2015 at 4:25 am

    Mandy,

    Can you make yourself “hidden” for whatever you are doing online so he can’t see you are on?

    I agree with Tatiana, here.



  49.  #49Lilybelly on December 1, 2015 at 4:26 am

    whoa.

    Lol.

    Sorry, Sirens.



  50.  #50Starla on December 1, 2015 at 5:47 am

    Don’t mind lilybelly, she is posting from the swiss alps where there’s a bit of an echo.



  51.  #51Tee on December 1, 2015 at 7:13 am

    Lol



  52.  #52Azure Blu on December 1, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Mandy.
    You can unfriend him from facebook. and then close your facebook to anyone but friends… he CANT follow your activity on facebook then.



  53.  #53Azure Blu on December 1, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Mandy,
    I agree with Tatia Dee also… go talk to the Domestic Abuse officer… Prevention is worth a pound of cure!!
    Stay safe darling Siren!!
    oxoxoxo



  54.  #54Azure Blu on December 1, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Starla #48
    LOLOLOL!!!



  55.  #55Lilybelly on December 1, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    #48

    Hellooooooooo.

    🙂



  56.  #56Millie on December 1, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    Hi ladies!
    How was everyone’s holiday? I hope great! I read a really beautiful and inspiring letter from Leigha about wanting more in life from men/your man this holiday season and am trying to change my vibe by implementing her mentality. That where you are, is the place to be…and you choose where you are. Where a man is, is outside of you and in order to attract him to you, you must be the center of yor world and feel the sun shining from your center rather than from his center.

    This new cd in my life is a bit challenging. He is a very busy man and lives a good distance away. While he is in daily contact with me, I felt/feel starved for real communication. I leaned back a lot after he said he is burned out by talking on the phone all day. He reacted to my leaning back, by leaning back too and saying I am distant. I finally decided to take a step emotionally and tell him I felt disconnected and thst hearing his voice would feel good. He agreed and we did talk on the phone, which makes me feel a lot more connected than texting. I’m finding that the amount he communicates is not enough for me… And I am also challenging myself to beleive in him and beleive that he is interested, when deep down I’m questioning it. Choose to beleive it’s not me… Whatever is keeping him, it’s not me. I think it’s a good excersise and leaning back has become natural… I worry that leaning back comes across that I am not interested… But I’m hoping that when I see him next we can have a conversation about what works best between us… I’m not ready to throw in the towel without expressing more feeling messages and “I want” statements if he does show up in front of me.

    I have another date with a new guy planned for this week too, so am really trying to stay positive and not let my mind go into what I don’t have land.

    This year more than ever I am learning to let go and say goodbye to people who don’t want me in their lives/don’t treat me how I would like. Letting go of female friends is hard, but I can’t hold on when the other person seems not to care.



  57.  #57Emerson on December 1, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    Sirens,
    I got in a text tiff with a former CD. I actually took a text the wrong way, which can often happen, and I replied defensively and snarkily….in turn he replied sharply and obviously offended by my words…
    I replied and apologized…but he didn’t reply.
    I feel so bad now and feel piney for him to reply. I feel horrible that he would be mad at me. WHY!? I haven’t seen him in months, he proved to be unreliable and unavailable, and I don’t want to waste my time.
    So why do I care



  58.  #58Azure Blu on December 1, 2015 at 9:43 pm

    Kath #39
    How great it feels to hear you say how confident you are feeling this year and how your self worth has
    Rocketed!!! AMAZING!

    Also it will be interesting to hear how things go
    between you and your ex, R.
    Keep us posted!



  59.  #59Azure Blu on December 1, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    (((Emerson)))
    Yes I believe you are so right…
    Why care?
    When people are VERY distant and unreliable…
    LET THEM GO!!
    I know when I am acting that way toward any of my cds… It’s because I’m not really interested or I’m not ready for anything much…

    Darling Beautiful Siren…You deserve MUCH more…



  60.  #60Emerson on December 1, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    Thanks Azure
    I’ve been allowing him to “hang around” in the periphery for far too long…
    I should block him from my phone, but somehow curiosity prevents me from doing that…
    I feel curious if he will text me, which is silly waste of energy.

    I have resisted replying to RecycledCD, i definitely should block him, but I haven’t.

    I spent time with family over the holiday weekend, and I realized how I am soo used to being alone. I almost felt smothered being around so many people over the weekend.

    It bothered me that i felt this way. How have I become so isolated??

    One siren was talking about letting go of people who aren’t putting forth effort, as were you Azure…and I have a hard time doing that. I intend to do that before year’s end.

    Bon chance Emerson…you can do it..



  61.  #61Indigo on December 2, 2015 at 12:05 am

    Emerson & Millie,

    It has been a great observation for me to realise that when I feel piney for someone or am overly worried about my response to them, to realise that there is more to it than that. Either they, or I, or both, are not ready to do this relationship. And that is ok. I find that just realising that is enough. I don’t have to pressure myself to do anything I don’t want to do, or which doesn’t feel completely right or comfortable. I am learning the value of doing in relationships what feels right or good to me. Not more, not less.

    Millie, in your situation it’s great that you’ve noticed you felt disconnected, and I would tend to agree he doesn’t sound like he is in a place for a relationship right now.

    Emerson, it’s valuable to ask yourself why you feel defensive and snarky, aside from the immediate situation that’s at hand. If he was unavailable and unreliable in the past that is a huge clue right there. As for blocking him… well, I never do that with a person until I’m ready and even then probably not.



  62.  #62IamHis on December 2, 2015 at 4:33 am

    I feel so embarrassed, but I’m pretty sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It feels so humiliating.

    Everything I’ve read, though, says that it is possible to overcome it, so that’s what I’m going to do!



  63.  #63Kelly on December 2, 2015 at 4:51 am

    Hello!

    The man of my dreams is pulling back. He is in Europe and I just left for California and I’m scared this might be the end.

    A short time after I met him I “knew” he was my soulmate. I work part time in France. My goal is to move back there. I met JF online while I was still in California. After 3 weeks of consistent contact we met after I arrived in France and it was magical.

    The next day he announced to his family that I would be their daughter-in-law/sister-in-law. The timing of that really threw me. I didn’t know if he was crazy or my soulmate.

    After another two months of dating I was completely in love and so was he. The entire time we were consumed. He suggested marriage so that I could live in France and we could be together. Otherwise I would have to be away 3 months at a time.

    To test the waters I stayed on an additional month at his house, before we made the decision to marry.

    As soon as I moved in the I love you’s and all talk of the future ceased coming from his lips. This sudden change set me up in a downward spiral of insecurity. I must underline that his attentive loving behavior continued. In fact I’ve never witnessed anything like it.

    As the month continued my insecurities and the unnatural atmosphere of always having to be together changed the vibe from exalted love to a pretty difficult situation for me. I felt like the man of my dreams was right there in front of me only I wasn’t truly seen by him. More the insecure parts of me were there with him. I felt humiliation. He was annoyed by my meekness. He criticized me, not a lot but it hurt that my insecurity was now a feature focus.

    The marriage idea this soon, the 150% confidence in him that I was the one, the constant I love you’s were all coming from him in the beginning. He offered to me the answer to ALL of my dreams, personal and professional. As soon as I rearranged my life to allow the dreams to come true (staying on an extra month in France) the messaging from his side abruptly ceased. It triggered me heavily and put me in a tailspin of confidence loss, which of course is not something that propelled us towards marriage.

    He did continue to be fully attentive, affectionate and I discovered an absolute dream of a man in every other way.

    The month long “test” period is over. He put me on a plane 2 days ago and all I’ve heard from him is 3 lines in an email reply to mine letting him know I’d arrived safely.

    I have a default tendency to believe things won’t work out/ that I’ll be abandoned. It’s what my nasty voice is telling me now. He is supposed to visit me in California in January and hasn’t mentioned the trip since he bought the ticket a couple months ago. I am telling myself he will cancel the trip and tell me he’s not interested in staying with me.

    I avoided “the talk” with him bc after a couple of attempts in France he deflected them. I figured that I wasn’t going to pull it out of him. He will come to me when he’s got something to propose. I believe he is on the fence right now.

    I fully regret staying an entire month. I think that had I stayed just a couple weeks additional we’d still be in a good place.

    I fear a long withdrawal period from him or just brief little messages. Given he’s got a ticket to be here in 6 weeks and I’d need to make a lot of effort got his visit I need to know if he’s coming in the next couple of weeks.

    Do I instigate a talk? If so, when and how?

    Thanks for being there. I am totally consumed with the situation and appreciate any insights and direction.



  64.  #64Starla on December 2, 2015 at 6:54 am

    Iamhis, girl, the problem with borderlines is they never think they have a problem. You’re halfway to cured already just knowing you have work to do.

    You can do this and i believe in you! I had serious distress tolerance and emotional regulation issues and I’m getting much better. The nice thing about the tools you’ll learn in therapy is they’re similar to rori tools, so none of it will be new concepts and you’ll be zooming ahead:-)

    What’s your plan?



  65.  #65Turquoise on December 2, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Hi Sirens,

    A nice thing happened yesterday…. Someday is in daily contact with me and 90% of the time, he initiates. I’ve learned so much by sitting back and watching a man, listening to him. He definitely has a strong male personality, and he wants to lead. So, it’s been great to sit back and just let things happen. Well, he went hunting Monday and we texted for a bit that night, but I knew he was tired and not feeling well with his toothache, so I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear from him yesterday morning. During the afternoon I caught myself checking my phone a few times, and ended up putting it in my purse, because I was busy after being off work for 5 days, and knew he was also. By the time I picked up my kids and made dinner, etc. I was so busy I kinda forgot that I hadn’t heard from him. About 8:00 last night he texted me this:

    Hey you, I’m sorry, today was bad and I haven’t been feeling well. Should have texted you this morning but was in no mood to talk.

    We texted back and forth for a little bit, but I could tell he really wasn’t feeling well so I just thanked him for checking in and said it felt nice that he did.

    I have to say he’s surprising me. I feel like this could actually grow into something. It feels good to have someone in my life that doesn’t feel like a roller coaster. It’s calming and pleasant. I feel like I can be myself and do my thing… but he’s there. I named him Someday because I didn’t think he was ready for a relationship. I’m still not sure that he is, and he’s guarded. But I’m always so ahead of myself that I’m just taking this day by day and enjoying it.

    My other CD’s are still in the picture to talk to, and I would make plans to spend time with them if they asked. But I feel very relaxed about the whole thing. 🙂



  66.  #66Turquoise on December 2, 2015 at 9:56 am

    IamHis…. that must feel really scary. Know we are here for you!



  67.  #67Turquoise on December 2, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Indigo, I’m right there with you about the piney feelings = they are not stepping up or it’s not a real relationship.

    Piney is different than missing someone.

    How are things with you Indigo? Any updates from BB? I hope he’s settling in well. Moving is so stressful!



  68.  #68Turquoise on December 2, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Does anyone keep in touch with Mel? I wonder how she’s doing.



  69.  #69Lovergirl on December 2, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    So I’ve been leaning back and Mr Millionaire has been texting me more lately! He has been acting excited about seeing me and we have plans to get together this weekend (he asked, he’s been the one initiating everything). He keeps saying how excited he is to see me again and he wanted me to verify that I will be there. I said I like that he plans ahead and he said “I have to!”

    Like today, he texted “Is it Saturday yet?” and sent me a face with hearts for eyes. I said “Lol!! I’m excited to see you again!!” and he responded “I’m more excited to see you!!” I texted back “:) 🙂 I have a feeling we are going to have a wonderful time!!” and he said “We always do!” followed by a kissing face.

    I am happy but I was thinking back to something Indigo said in another thread because I was starting to feel uncomfortable with this conversation. I guess it was getting “too mushy” for me or something. I know I felt similarly with S sometimes, and would start to back down from conversations when he acted like that.

    Is that a bad thing? Is it something I need to work on? Maybe I can’t handle all this male energy coming at me. :/



  70.  #70Millie on December 2, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Lovergirl — your convo with millionaire sounds great! Yay!!! I’m so excited he is initiating again and being sweet! I have trouble with mushiness/intimacy too… But for me it’s because I feel like once I let myself express it the guy will love interest and think he’s “got” me. I guess it’s my own game playing at work. Why do you think you feel uncomfortable with it?



  71.  #71Millie on December 2, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    Lately, my feelings for company have been getting stronger. How I wish I had someone to come home to… To cook with, eat with, watch tv with, sleep with, live with. I don’t want to be alone in my apartment anymore. I want someone to see me as marriage material, to see me as the mother of their children, to see a life with me. I know I should worry, that future is masculine… But I can’t help but feel scared that no one will ever see me as that. I will be forever be “just dating.” Forever incapable. Sorry I’m always so negative



  72.  #72Emerson on December 2, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    Millie,
    I feel the same way…
    it is natural. Don’t worry about these feelings…they are normal in my opinion…
    I feel best when I embrace my feelings and practice the tools..while continuing to do things to feel happy….

    I feel those things too…I don’t want to be coming home to an empty house anymore…as much as I like my space…



  73.  #73Jazz on December 3, 2015 at 1:12 am

    I’ve known my man now since Jan 2015, and it is steadily moving in the direction of marriage. yesterday he asked indirectly if I would be ok with him having sex with other women since I am overweight. As you can imagine, it felt horrible.
    I have been trying hard to lose weight: eating healthier, weight loss supplements, lots of swimming and walking…but I have not made much progress because I have had a lot of stress on me at the same time.
    It just made me feel really bad and really rejected. Usually the issue is a man wants a woman’s body and not her heart. In this case, he wanted my heart but not my body. I said my heart and body are a package deal, and I want to be treated first class and I want a ring, I want faithfulness, etc.
    I got really angry at him because I felt so hurt. I felt mostly good about how I handled it, and he backed right off, saying he doesn’t want to lose me.
    But now I am finding that i can’t just let it go. It feels yucky, knowing he is not thinking of into-me-see at the level I am. I welcome any advice, if I should say anything further…it’s like he totally backed up and said he’d be true to just me…but it doesn’t feel okay now.



  74.  #74Indigo on December 3, 2015 at 2:31 am

    Lovergirl,

    I know how you feel. Internally I can feel that pullback when a guy is all gushing with me, although I must be honest I love it. To be honest I think it’s simply the energy flow which naturally flows back and forth between a man and a woman. So when he flows towards you it’s natural that you energetically take a little step back. I find myself feeling very coy and feminine. I wouldn’t worry about it.



  75.  #75Lilybelly on December 3, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Have you ever felt like you are completely and utterly alone in the world? Like there is not one person who really loves and cares about you, exactly as you are? That your feelings do not matter in the slightest?

    Yep, that is me right now. And, all the hugging and loving on myself isn’t helping.

    I feel so very tired. So, very very drained. Emotionally and even, physically. My shoulders feel like there are big, ginormous rocks in them and I didn’t even realize how badly they hurt until i noticed i was holding them up.

    Just spewing.



  76.  #76Millie on December 3, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Emerson, glad to know I’m not alone… Hugs to you



  77.  #77Femininewoman on December 3, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    (((((((((((((Lilybelly))))))))))))

    I know the feeling. And I also know I can choose to tell myself a different story.



  78.  #78Tee on December 4, 2015 at 6:33 am

    #71 LB, I’m right there with you and it sucks



  79.  #79Zara on December 4, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Lilybelly , Tee

    “Nobody cares about me”
    Tiger, Tiger is it true?
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gPfB4CR6fUU

    xxx



  80.  #80Lilybelly on December 4, 2015 at 7:47 am

    How can you put your feelings in to messages that someone will actually hear? The way it has been going hasn’t been working, I feel so misunderstood and he is only hearing what he THINKS I am saying.

    I don’t know how to be heard and am feeling so frustrated.

    Any assistance with this would be amazing.



  81.  #81Victoria on December 4, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Lilybelly,
    I don’t know your story so what I say may be completely off point. But from my experience you can not make someone hear/listen/understand/see things your way. The only thing that works is to take care of yourself, love yourself, speak to yourself and listen to yourself. With a man, the more you push/try hard/insist, the worse it gets. If you tell him not to wear a particual shirt, he will not only wear it, but also sleep in it to prove his point. The only thing that has worked for me has been to lean back, take my focus off him, and take good care of myself.



  82.  #82Lilybelly on December 4, 2015 at 8:07 am

    Thank you, Victoria and I understand that in part…

    Are you saying then, that I should just stop.. not engage except to be warm and open and loving all the while, pushing the issues under the surface only to rise again. Nothing ever will be resolved or improve.

    My feelings are important and I am not trying for him to see things my way, only to understand my feelings. Although, I suppose he cannot.. He is not a woman.



  83.  #83Millie on December 4, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Lily belly– have you tried expressing “I don’t feel heard” or “I feel misunderstood?” How has he responded? Or maybe what if you expressed the reaction you’d like from him? I think Victoria has a good point you can’t control how he interprets what you say. im wondering what it is he is misunderstanding? Maybe he isn’t hearing you because it is coming across as blamey? And he is defensive?? What do you think??



  84.  #84Femininewoman on December 4, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Lilybelly if you keep speaking your truth it is only to speak your truth. It is not about eliciting some result. If you keep speaking wanting something to change and it doesn’t then I’d suggest try stop speaking and just use body language. Sometimes silence gets a lot more result than the constant speaking



  85.  #85Femininewoman on December 4, 2015 at 10:42 am

    I just saw this:-

    Hi ,

    When nothing works you have to keep going and try a different approach.

    Sure it’s easy to get frustrated, especially when you feel like you’re doing everything you can but nothing seems to work.

    I know – it still happens to me from time to time,
    especially when it comes to dealing with my kids.

    Over the summer we were having a challenging time
    with our older kids, we just couldn’t get them to listen and do simple things that we asked.

    Before we knew it we were getting louder and louder, especially me – I have the loudest voice in the family and I can be really loud when I get going.

    But that wasn’t working.

    So we shifted our attention and focused on finding a
    different approach – one that would work.

    And after a while we found another approach that worked. We decided to go with a gentle, do as you like approach when they didn’t listen.

    I’m not going to get into all the parenting details, but my point is that we focused on finding a solution that would work and after a few days we found that solution.

    Now they listen a lot better, not always, not all the time, after all they’re kids!

    And I don’t have to yell or get really loud.

    It’s a much nicer, calmer environment.

    Last night I asked my oldest daughter which Daddy did she like: The one who yelled or this one who is a lot calmer. She said she preferred this one a lot better 🙂

    So when things don’t work out, focus on finding another solution. When you do that you tell your subconscious mind to bring you a new solution. It doesn’t happen right away – but you will get your answer.

    When you do – follow up on it.
    But you have to trust and believe that it will all work out.

    Then it will.



  86.  #86Sapphire on December 4, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Lilybelly
    How about trying some of you feeling messages here so we can hear you.

    The way I understand (and I could be wrong) it in Rori’s way is we have to take a man as he is. If he is doing something we dont like we either except it or walk away to a different room or a different relationship. Yes we can express what we dont like, but we cant control the outcome – remember the dont do list. Ultimately we are choosing the man warts and all – that being said we dont have to leave a relationships if we can love ourselves through whatever is happen or not happen and can stay in the relationship because of the good bits.
    Sapphire xx



  87.  #87Tee on December 4, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    How do you love yourself without hating the other person? Because in my being hurt, I feel like I wouldn’t have to love on myself so hard & so much….if he loved me more



  88.  #88Sapphire on December 4, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    You can still hate the over person in that moment. Feel your pain, love your pain, soothe yourself down and through the pain. Loving your self hard and as much as you can is the greatest gift that you can give yourself.



  89.  #89Sapphire on December 4, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    We are all awesome women that a man gets to spend time with.
    If he does not treat you right then he does not get to spend time with you. By spending time with you a mean when you are in your feminine energy and all that is for you. You can still be in the same room as a man but he does not get to spend time in your energy. Find things that you enjoy whether in the physical (doing) or in you head (being) this could be re-living happy moments, talking to yourself in a kind loving way, touch things, smell things, go to a mirror and look lovingly in to your eyes. This will magnitise him and he will want to be around you because it feels good.
    Does that help ?



  90.  #90Tee on December 4, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    Thank you Sapphire! This is so hard.
    I feel like my only power is in playing the victim & getting others/him to feel sorry for me. It’s so engrained, such a default setting.

    Who wants that? I dont. My fiancé, in his own words, he’s a traveler, he finds it hard to sit down, he wants to be just everywhere. I feel so hurt behind that.

    He doesn’t understand, he’ll always come back he says. Sometimes I think he tries to “sit still” for my sake. It feels good yet I feel horrible, like I just placed him in a cage…now I’m forced to watch him pace back and forth

    Yet I feel so alone when he needs such a large amount of space to roam through. It’s like, how do you hold someone with open arms?



  91.  #91Sapphire on December 4, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Tee
    Make a list on here of things that you can do for you outside of the relationship.
    Things you enjoy
    Things that feel good
    Things that felt good before him

    examples might be putting on moisturiser, brushing your teeth and the clean sensation you have after, a long bath, colouring a picture, watching the wind blow through the leaves and the clouds shift past the moon at night.



  92.  #92Liquid Light on December 4, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    I’d like to get your feedback about something, ladies.

    I’m really tired and emotional right now. I hardly slept last night. Mostly because I had a million ideas running through my head about my artwork. I’m finally inspired again! That’s the good news!

    The bad news is that its bringing back a flood of memories about my last relationship. I was in a relationship 3 years ago when I had the breakthrough with my artwork and started a new body of work. It was an incredible time, and I was in the middle of a new exciting relationship. So the two are inextricably linked. I haven’t done my art since the breakup so this breakthrough and new inspiration is HUGE!

    I had a date last night and when I got home I got really depressed. I kept thinking about my ex and how no one compares to him. The fun we had together. The great times. All the fun stuff we did together. The constant laughing. He was hilarious and we always (well mostly) had a blast together. Anyway, this pattern – being constantly disappointed on dates – keeps happening and I just can’t seem to break out of it.

    I have a date on Tuesday (with someone else) that I’m looking forward to. We’ve met each other once and when we did, we really clicked. We hung out and chatted the whole evening together. It was a pretty amazing first connection. Needless to say I’m excited. More excited about this date than probably any other date I’ve had in a long time. We are going to a romantic restaurant that I really like. 🙂

    But I’m really worried that I will sabotage it by comparing him to my ex. If I do, he’ll fall short. I know that. My question is how do I keep myself form sabotaging this date? How do I set myself up in the right mindset going into the date? Please help me with any suggestions! I’m desperate to not keep repeating this same miserable pattern over and over again. Any thoughts/suggestions/feedback would be much appreciated!! Thanks!!!!



  93.  #93Tee on December 4, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    #87 Sapphire,

    A nice hot shower with my luxurious almond honey moisturizing soap. Smells great!

    Reading
    Facebook / Computer
    A nice hot cup of coffee/tea while people watching at Dunkin Donuts

    Still working on the list lol



  94.  #94Tee on December 4, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    I shouldn’t have said hate. I don’t hate my fiancé. I’m just very insecure and sensitive to his need to roam & move around. It baffles me. On the flip side, he’s baffled by the lack of movement that I require. I must seem like a statue. For him, home is like a last resort. I don’t mean that negatively. For me, home is where I’m safe in my zone and I don’t leave unless there’s a reason. We clash. I get upset, I feel out of control. Sometimes he relents, then I feel like an ass.

    I feel like I’ve jumped to a few conclusions lately, I feel dumb, he thinks I’m emotionally unstable and around we go. All’s quiet on the home front today. I’m gonna lean back, go read a book or something



  95.  #95Lilybelly on December 4, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    For me, Tee…

    Home IS where i feel the safest. My husband is a runner.. but he is running from his demons. If he sits still too long, they catch up to him. And, he has some awful ones.

    I love our home. It is warm and comfy.. beautiful and tasteful. None of that matters to him. I try to make it a safe place for him to just be and feel a small reprieve from the horrors of the world.. ( he has PTSD..he is on high alert right now)… nothing, including our home, is safe right now.

    So instead, he is out drinking it up with his co-workers. Including, the woman he shared 1,515 texts with in a three month period…

    How do i feel? Words cannot describe the hurt and anguish.

    But, i still feel best here. Even when everything continues to fall apart around me.

    The thing is… i get it. I understand him and feel his pain right along with him. His questioning.. his seeking answers for why him.

    No more tonight. It is just too much pain for me to bare.



  96.  #96Emerson on December 4, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Iamhis
    I have been reading about BPD also…it’s very interesting because I can relate to a lot of the things described in it. I feel concerned that maybe I have it too….

    I’ve gotten better about “splitting” ….and I had a therapist tell me to try not to do “black and white” with everything so I’ve had some awareness around those…so I think that has helped a bit.

    But I really do relate to the part that talks about emotions and how people with BPD have intense feelings…and it feels scary to me that there is a ‘disorder’ that is something wrong with me….

    granted I am self diagnosing here….just makes me wonder….

    I know I need to see a therapist…I’ve been long overdue.
    I feel like I have some heavy baggage to bring with me this time….it feels cumbersome going to therapy….



  97.  #97Emerson on December 4, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    Lilybelly!!
    I love your description of your home…I feel happy that you feel safe there, and I feel pained that you are hurting right now and that your husband is out drinking without you…
    (((Lilybelly)))



  98.  #98Tee on December 4, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    ((LB))

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.
    PTSD, yikes that’s rough. My fiancé is a drinker too. Mostly at home and mostly beers. I think he has adhd & the drinking is his way of maybe trying to get a handle on his brainwaves?

    He’s downstairs, (it’s 1am here EST) playing Candy Crush ( loudly ) & he probably won’t come to bed until maybe a few hours from now.

    I feel safe and secure at home too, don’t we all?

    I find it weird how we all seem to desire the same things yet our ways of getting it are so different!

    I know my fiancé enjoys us & home but I swear he wants to live like an alley cat, just coming and going at will. He doesn’t see an issue with it, he was raised that way. We could stop by any relative of his right now & they wouldn’t have a problem. They’re happy to see you, etc. That would never fly in my family, unless it’s an emergency lol showing up unannounced at some odd hour, isn’t cool.

    I’m not saying that it’s done all the time but I’ve known my fiancé & his family for over 20 years. They’re all mostly extroverted, constantly busy, often loud sociable people. I think they’ve dubbed me Princess Tesha mainly because I’m the exact opposite lol

    I think it was supposed to be an insult but whatever…they know how I am.
    Opposites attract. My future sister in law, her husband is very quiet as well. I swear I barely hear him talk at all, while she & her brother (my fiancé) are alike. …they know a million people & are always open to anything.

    Ugh so exhausting. I know I “chose” him for the same exact reasons why he now irks me. Funny, never dull, spontaneous, etc.

    I also realize that he’s here to teach me what I need to know about self-love, acceptance, unconditional love, allowing, etc

    Why does it have to be so painful and complicated? You would think that since we all want the same thing, we could get it right and avoid any unnecessary drama, confusion,misunderstandings and hurt feelings

    I’m just saying lol



  99.  #99Emerson on December 4, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    I was feeling pretty deep in the soup tonight after work…I felt so exhausted after a busy week and had a very very busy day at work today….after work I didn’t really know what to do with myself to decompress, I just started my long drive home and when I got home I was so tired. I felt lonely and forgotten. I felt a little sorry for myself. I wanted someone to say “Hi Emerson! How was your day?” At least my dogs greeted me so glad to see me… and looked like they were asking me that haha!!!

    Well sirens I went to the grocery store and cried in the parking lot….just tears and feeling anger and sadness…
    I felt rage and wishing I had someone to look forward to cuddling with….

    This is why I put up with RecycledCD for so long…I always knew he would be with me after work 90 percent of the time and spend the night…even though the relationship was not “defined” as how I would like it to be….I had his attention and time…and someone fun to talk to. I really really miss that about him and I feel rage and anger and confusion and sadness not understanding why we are not together….

    I know I have to let it go and in a sense I already have. I just get really sentimental when I am alone too much.

    The thing is I spent time with friends the last two evenings after work and it was “not enough”….I still “needed” more friendship/attention/companionship today.



  100.  #100Mandy on December 5, 2015 at 2:29 am

    Hello Sirens,

    Boy do I feel defeated. I have been…cool, but I’ve been so…hopeful about Valentine.

    It’s like something always happens to him the times he tries to come see me, or the day before he’s supposed to do something with me. I’m not saying at all that he’s doing it on purpose. But the guy’s a young one (25) and he’s having dental pain again for more of his Wisdom teeth and I was like….you didn’t get the others pulled…that’s right he could only afford the ones that hurt…

    But I was excited to see him tomorrow night and now that I’m pretty sure he’s incapacitated, I feel like a kid without her big bad dad. Like a kid, lol. Completely innocently vulnerable, and then I think yay I feel vulnerable, that’s NOT bad.

    But I am pouting like a kid that’s for sure. I haven’t seen him since forever. We mostly talk.Each time he’s had to cancel he’s been pretty darn upset.

    Not his fault. I just hate how life throws these curveballs. It would be so cool to have his arms around me.

    I also feel selfish for feeling this way when the man is in pain but I can’t help it, I mean we’ve had to cancel like four times or something.

    I don’t quite know what to do here, but my Sirens instincts are telling me to stay busy, which is a big DUH….but the feelings….the feelings are still there. I feel like that little kid crying for her mom, lol. Some kind of comfort. I guess it’s natural wanting some comfort after all I’ve been through and natural to feel frustrated when things don’t work out.

    I just feel like I’ll never see him. So basically whichever outcome I want, I have to let go of it, the waiting, the urgency.
    I have to throw care to the wind and not even wonder if I’ll see him ever again or not. That’s rough, because I am so very tenacious.

    It’s too stressful to sit here and pine for him, even though he’s the finest thing I’ve ever seen, the coolest guy, the sweetest guy, the most nurturing guy…

    Who knows maybe he will pop up after i forget about it.



  101.  #101Mandy on December 5, 2015 at 2:30 am

    Hello Sirens,

    Boy do I feel defeated. I have been…cool, but I’ve been so…hopeful about Valentine.

    It’s like something always happens to him the times he tries to come see me, or the day before he’s supposed to do something with me. I’m not saying at all that he’s doing it on purpose. But the guy’s a young one (25) and he’s having dental pain again for more of his Wisdom teeth and I was like….you didn’t get the others pulled…that’s right he could only afford the ones that hurt…

    But I was excited to see him tomorrow night and now that I’m pretty sure he’s incapacitated, I feel like a kid without her big bad dad. Like a kid, lol. Completely innocently vulnerable, and then I think yay I feel vulnerable, that’s NOT bad.

    But I am pouting like a kid that’s for sure. I haven’t seen him since forever. We mostly talk.Each time he’s had to cancel he’s been pretty darn upset.

    Not his fault. I just hate how life throws these curveballs. It would be so cool to have his arms around me.

    I also feel selfish for feeling this way when the man is in pain but I can’t help it, I mean we’ve had to cancel like four times or something.

    I don’t quite know what to do here, but my Sirens instincts are telling me to stay busy, which is a big DUH….but the feelings….the feelings are still there. I feel like that little kid crying for her mom, lol. Some kind of comfort. I guess it’s natural wanting some comfort after all I’ve been through and natural to feel frustrated when things don’t work out.

    I just feel like I’ll never see him. So basically whichever outcome I want, I have to let go of it, the waiting, the urgency.
    I have to throw care to the wind and not even wonder if I’ll see him ever again or not. That’s rough, because I am so very tenacious.

    It’s too stressful to sit here and pine for him, even though he’s the finest thing I’ve ever seen, the coolest guy, the sweetest guy, the most nurturing guy…

    Who knows maybe he will pop up after i forget about it.

    Ah. Okay. I give in.



  102.  #102Lilybelly on December 5, 2015 at 3:34 am

    I have been awake since 2:45 this morning and my husband has still not returned home and I don’t even know where he is. It is now 5:33 am. To say that I am upset, is an understatement but even more so, I am ANGRY. When he does return, there will not be one word coming out of my mouth. I don’t dare. I feel certain that what would come out of it would not be pretty or sireny.

    There can be no explanation good enough to take me off the ledge on this one.



  103.  #103Lilybelly on December 5, 2015 at 3:41 am

    But, I am enjoying a hot cup of coffee and the fireplace. I am taking care of me.

    Love to me
    Love to me
    Love to me

    I am worthy
    I am beautiful
    I am everything
    I matter
    I am important

    Going to read some old blog posts..



  104.  #104Indigo on December 5, 2015 at 4:11 am

    Mandy,

    My instincts are telling me the following about your situation, because I have been there, so take it if it resonates and leave it if it doesn’t:

    He is 25, which means the overwhelming likelihood is that he is not ready for a serious relationship or to settle down. Yes he has a daughter, and that has pushed him into a more responsible role, but maybe it’s as much responsibility as he can handle. The rest of him may just want space and freedom. This, as I say, would be very common at his age. If at the same time he has got the idea from you that YOU want more – a relationship, a commitment, more reliability, whatever… it would be extremely normal and common for him to pull back in a case like this. And this is not a bad thing. It’s what guys do. A lot of guys, especially good guys, actually have a lot more integrity than we give them credit for, and if they get the feeling that you are a high value woman who wants or needs (and deserves!) more from him than he feels able to give, he WILL pull back because he values you too much to let you down.

    Not sure if this resonates, but it has happened to me, and it actually was a comfort, after the disappointment wore off.



  105.  #105Indigo on December 5, 2015 at 4:13 am

    By the way, this is something that a man told me – a man whom I respect and whose opinion I know would be honest and truthful and given in good faith.



  106.  #106Millie on December 5, 2015 at 6:41 am

    ((LilyBelly))



  107.  #107Starla on December 5, 2015 at 6:58 am

    I am working a full time professional job and just took a second job part time. It’s the end of my second week of this and i also have dance rehearsals and a performance tonight. Kind of crazy but I could use the money and my instincts told me to go for it and that it would be fine since it’s a temp job. I am doing fine with it. My boyfriend is supportive and is taking care of a lot while I’m stretched thin. But looking forward to when this is over.



  108.  #108Starla on December 5, 2015 at 7:00 am

    Lilybelly, I wonder what all that is about. I would also be livid. I wonder what Rori would say about what you’ve been going through.



  109.  #109Tee on December 5, 2015 at 8:35 am

    #98, LB

    I’ve had those days. I alternate between saying nothing, versus calling EVERYONE HE KNOWS & giving them all an earful knowing it would eventually get back to my fiancé & he’d be embarrassed as well as upset but I wouldn’t care

    I’m sure your husband is fine. Maybe he had too much to drink & crashed with a friend. Unacceptable, yes but at least he’d be ok.

    I wish some of our guys knew how awful this made us feel



  110.  #110Lilybelly on December 5, 2015 at 9:09 am

    I heard from him when he was on his way to work. He stayed at a hotel and is safe.

    I haven’t said much other than to express how deeply worried I was but will say more later.

    He did share that he is angry and hates everything right now. (This is his PTSD talking and as I mentioned, he is fully triggered due to the events over the last weeks.)

    I am going to suggest treatment, again. I want to phrase in such a way that sounds something like this: (I welcome tweaking and realize I typically should not make these types of suggestions but this situation is a bit different)

    “You deserve to be the best man that you can be. You have a responsibility not only to yourself but to me, your children, family and your employees to be that man. I feel fearful of what could happen if you don’t get the help you so deserve and earned due to your years serving this county. I feel afraid that you could lose everything. Your periods of being highly triggered are coming closer and closer together and more severe.”

    This will not likely be able to be presented now as he is looking for a fight with anyone, mostly with me because I am closest to him..

    Starla, I too, feel curious about what Rori would have to say about all of this.

    95% of our issues have been when he is having an “event”.. I have learned more and more to take better care of myself but last night was not and is not acceptable. He says he “doesn’t want me to see him like this.” Or, for me to be around him. He has said before that he is “protecting” me.

    Yes, I need to suggest treatment and would prefer intensive in-patient.



  111.  #111Tee on December 5, 2015 at 9:31 am

    106((LB)) I’m sorry you’re going through this but you handled it very well.



  112.  #112BeLoved on December 5, 2015 at 11:14 am

    I am having at ton of fun with Tinder!

    I am feeling bolder, braver, and free to just say *anything*. A guy made a sexual suggestion, asked if I was going to let him eat my cookies last night (lol) and I said, No, I’m booked, I’m available week after next.
    He went on about how horny he is for me, and formerly I would have felt grossed out and just ignored him, but this time I felt like having some fun with it.
    I told him I liked his enthusiasm, and I need a man to earn my heart and my trust before I have sex with him, what does he think?

    I haven’t heard back from him, and I don’t care if I do. What I do love and do care about, is feeling honest and sassy and empowered. 😀

    I have a date tomorrow morning with a guy that so far seems all ease and I also got to practice something new with him that felt really nice.
    I asked him to clarify when he was asking to meet up, and after he did, I told him that would work for me and …I asked him to please confirm by a certain time.
    He said, consider it confirmed.

    And I was like…oh, that was easy! Before what I was doing was watching and waiting to see if a guy would confirm and then feel all weird and uncertain in the meantime, and struggle with keeping the focus on me. Now that I know I can set the deadline for when I need confirmation for myself, and ask for it..well, I’m just laughing and giggling to myself that I never thought of it before. 😀



  113.  #113Lilybelly on December 5, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    BeLoved,

    Have you see “Tindernightmares”? Hilarious!

    I follow on Instagram. There are a ton of really good comebacks made to some of those sexual comments.



  114.  #114Millie on December 5, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    I had an interesting conversation with a cd last night. The one who seems like he’s not relationship ready or available. He keeps texting me but the conversation is small talk, I feel like it’s boring and pointless. So I decided instead of going along, I wanted to address how I felt. Probably should have leaned back and turned my attention elsewhere….. Anyway, he replied saying that dating feel like pressure and women want men to fit in a box. That he knows I’m not like that and wants to see me, but felt like I expect him to take me out since it’s the beginning… That he’s going through some stuff and wants to lay low.. And lay low with me.. But didn’t know how to have that conversation with me. I thanked him for sharing…but def sounds like “next” to me….



  115.  #115Liquid Light on December 5, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Millie, yes definitely “next” him. That guy is not worth a second of your time!



  116.  #116Zara on December 6, 2015 at 5:05 am

    Lilybelly

    *****I am going to suggest treatment, again. I want to phrase in such a way that sounds something like this: (I welcome tweaking and realize I typically should not make these types of suggestions but this situation is a bit different)
    “You deserve to be the best man that you can be. You have a responsibility not only to yourself but to me, your children, family and your employees to be that man. I feel fearful of what could happen if you don’t get the help you so deserve and earned due to your years serving this county. I feel afraid that you could lose everything. Your periods of being highly triggered are coming closer and closer together and more severe.”*****

    I’d tweak this by taking it all back to me, where it belongs, and by staying out of his business.
    “I feel deserving of a healthy life. I feel my responsibility towards myself (and my children, family, employees) is to keep my world healthy. I feel vulnerable in a marriage where my husband’s mental health seems to call for attention and the call is not attended to. I feel afraid to be dragged into misery if my husband loses everything. I put my world at stake when I joined it with my husband’s, and I feel shaky when I see his triggered periods coming closer and closer. Is there anything I can do to help us do better?”

    (Note that the part about his mental health calling for attention does not belong to me. It is a judgement. I am still minding his business.)

    He might say no, it is all his stuff and he manages the way he knows. He is who he is, with all and his war traumas, the same one he was when I felt safe enough to marry him just the way he is. Maybe it is me who did not pay attention, before I married him, to my feelings of shakiness.

    Anyway, it is recommended that you ask for an appointment with him before you talk to him.
    “Sweet heart, I have an idea on how to help our marriage do better. When is a good time to talk with you, hopefully today?”

    When he is open to talk, you can say:
    ” I feel shaky with these triggered periods coming closer and closer. I miss free space to enjoy bounding with my husband and I fear for our emotional and material stability. Is it OK if I tell you of an address where they can help us do better?”

    xxx



  117.  #117Tee on December 6, 2015 at 5:40 am

    Awesome Zara



  118.  #118Azure Blu on December 6, 2015 at 7:49 am

    Zara… #112
    Ohhh… so good…

    Rori’s magic*****

    I have found things sooo much warmer and intimacy building when I bring it all back to what *I* know…. ME and MY feelings!!!
    NOT pointing fingers!!



  119.  #119Starla on December 6, 2015 at 8:00 am

    I am having a hard time with this one. My speech would be, either start coming home every night or get therapy, the end.



  120.  #120Tee on December 6, 2015 at 10:03 am

    #114 ((Azure Blue)) & #115 ((Starla))

    I agree with you both lol its ROUGH to feel caught in this way



  121.  #121Zara on December 6, 2015 at 10:57 am

    Copy-pasted from: How To Undo The Way You Treat A Depressed Man
    By Rori Raye
    ____________________________

    This is a jump off from Susan’s comment about placating her depressed man and wanting to undo all that =>

    *****69: susan says:
    sorry — just found it! Rori says “The way to deal with a depressed person is to be so in touch with your own feelings, so turning, morphing, riffing your sensations and feelings into loving ones toward yourself, so that you can feel MORE and MORE of your emotions instead of less and less, that you create an atmosphere of SAFETY around you for EVERYONE.”
    However, I don’t know how to do this.. I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done i.e. try to help him / placate him — and indeed it got worse. How can I repair the damage?
    Thursday, 12 March 2009 2:00am*****

    Here’s what’s going on:

    We placate a depressed man because we’re afraid. It’s a coping mechanism we’ve learned and used our whole lives to keep our trauma reactions at bay.

    We’re afraid for a lot of reasons.

    Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

    If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming. The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

    if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

    When you’re with a man who’s depressed or anxious, and you consciously step back and simply focus on your own life, on being happy, on doing for yourself, on loving yourself – it feels weird and awful – because…

    1. You’re afraid if you don’t do the placating, usual behaviors you do around him – his lid will pop and all his icky, horrible, scary feelings will come flying out at you – AND this is true! They will! And…

    2. You’re afraid that his feelings flying out at you will be completely terrifying for you, and so your own lid on your own soup pot gets shaky with anxiety (fear) and your own feelings start to bubble up. And…

    3. As you actually DO the things you don’t normally do – stepping back, smiling, not asking questions, not sitting down with him, not “doing” for him – you are actually REMOVING the lid – the cover from your soup pot – and FEELINGS underneath the anxiety actually come to the surface.

    You start feeling things you don’t LIKE to feel. You feel fear, and helplessness, and old pain, and old anger, and new anger…everything you’ve been safely stuffing down by placating him.

    This is all new, and all scary, and just downright weird.

    It doesn’t feel “nice.” It’s not what you were taught to do.

    And here’s how doing this ANYWAY – little by little (and don’t expect yourself to rip that lid off your soup in one try – please be gentle with yourself – you have to feel your way through this) will slowly begin to change your life in fundamental and hugely powerful ways:

    Just KNOWING to expect all this upheaval will help you. Just expect that when you step back you will feel weird. And then do it anyway.

    Smile, even though he’s moping. Leave the house, even though he looks lonely.

    And when you start to feel stronger, and learn how to use feeling messages and can go several “rounds” with a man in deep, connected conversation while staying in “Dance Position,” being in Strong Surrender and feeling strong inside…then…

    Talk with him.

    Sit down, do a “negotiation” like in my ebook – where you share your feelings about being in his presence when he’s depressed – your urge to help – your willingness to research cures for depression and let him know what you’ve found – what he’d like you to do about helping him – and that it feels bad to be around him when he’s down.

    Now here’s the really powerful part:

    The bottom line of depression is anger. A depressed person is sitting on tons of rage. And we sense this on a deep level – and so it’s actually frightening to be around a depressed person.

    People usually would so much rather be around a depressed person than an angry person – for so many obvious and subconscious reasons – and so we almost automatically feed the depression rather than being able to facilitate the anger.

    When a depressed man starts to get angry – that’s good. It’s our job to let that happen, and move away from it if we need to – but not try to “reason” with it or “talk it down.”

    Now – you can see that this feels like a minefield to most of us. I mean, who would knowingly be willing to unearth and be present for rage in someone else? We’d get triggered!

    And yet – as you’ll find out – when that anger surfaces, all of a sudden the tension goes away. The juice in the relationship comes back. He comes back to life.

    This doesn’t happen overnight – and your process of hearing and experiencing all that anger coming out instead of sitting safely beneath the surface is monumental and crucial for you – because YOU are sitting on rage, too!

    That’s the thing. When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more. Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

    When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

    And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.

    In the meantime – expect messiness. Expect “ugliness” – and embrace it as BEAUTIFUL. Expect “bouncing” in your feelings, and just ride with it. Hang onto your feeling messages, stay with yourself and on your beautiful Horse, and just keep going toward the life you want. It starts inside you – with the courage to experiment, retrack if you need to, and just keep going.

    Let me know if this tidbit of understanding makes you feel braver.

    __________________________



  122.  #122BeLoved on December 6, 2015 at 11:40 am

    Zara – 117 – this hits home!

    I was stood up this morning. I arrived 10 minutes early, and waited until 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet. I don’t have his phone number, only messaging through Tinder, so I sent him a message. Just the facts. It’s 10:46. I was 10 minutes early. I feel disappointed.

    He answered right away, telling me he had overslept and how he wished he could prove it to me because he pist off his neighbors by sleeping through the alarms.

    I felt deeep into my feelings. I felt a sting in my heart. I felt tears welling up and spilling over. I sank into it.
    I told him – I don’t feel interested in hearing excuses. What I want to hear is how you will make this up to me and to see action to back up what you say. I am signing off now until this evening so no rush.

    😀

    Haha, OH MY the feelings that brought up…I felt minxy, powerful, I felt in love with what I feel is my “dominant” side of my personality…then a rush of doubt and feelings of self-recrimination, making myself wrong for not using FM’s and asking what he thought and all of that.

    While feeling into my heart, I felt another rush and cried some more, feeling some old thoughts and feelings about expectations, and the curious mix of feeling as if I were expected to be perfect yet nothing was really expected of me.

    At some point I felt red-hot anger, a big welling of a red sun in my solar plexus (in the moment the words that came to me were “Pure Potential” but I feel like that might just be a way to deny that I was feeling angry so I’m calling it anger). I felt it swell and I breathed deep into my toes to try to contain and feel it all including the urge to discharge it. Apparently my instincts took over and before I knew it I was downing a giant diet soda and a huge candy bar.
    Yet…I felt more connected and aware even in the midst of it I was able to at least observe and question – is this anger I am stuffing? I have felt rushes of anger and rage the past few days and been as present as possible with them. I feel even know how I want to shake shake shake off these feelings. I feel struggling with accepting and loving and blessing the way I handled it. I feel like I want to feel proud of how I handled it and then something clicks and then I feel feel ashamed for feeling proud of how I handled it. I felt like I was being a b!tch and I both adored and loathed myself for it, haha.

    At any rate, I am shaking it off because I have finals to get ready for and some assignments to complete today and my life deserves my full attention.



  123.  #123BeLoved on December 6, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    So I messaged a bit back and forth with this morning’s CD. His story is that his relationships fail because of his strange work hours and seems to be choosing to go into self pity, talking about how he flubbed things and he should have set a different time, etc.
    I said it doesn’t feel good to rehash it, then said I feel confident he will figure out something.

    And ouch, my chest sure feels tight and painful. I had another bout of crying and I did a few rounds of EFT, something else triggered about feeling scars in my heart, and flashing images of a few recent interactions that have felt painful because they were kind of “pushing” on those “scars” so I tapped on that for a while.

    I feel weary. Sleepy.



  124.  #124BeLoved on December 6, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Indigo 100 – “A lot of guys, especially good guys, actually have a lot more integrity than we give them credit for, and if they get the feeling that you are a high value woman who wants or needs (and deserves!) more from him than he feels able to give, he WILL pull back because he values you too much to let you down.”

    The guy from this morning sent me a long message detailing all of the stuff going on in his life and telling me not only could he not make it up to me for standing me up, but he couldn’t, in good conscience, drag anyone else into his situation.

    I do feel I made it clear I am a high value woman and because of that, this all sorted itself out very quickly. Pre-Rori, I would have (and did) manage down my expectations, pretend not to have any, waited around for the guy while fuming and resenting it or repressing how I felt about it and being “understanding”, tried to convince him I didn’t really want or need all that much…on and on. This way feels better. Although feeling all of the old feelings that came up felt a little rough, I feel so grateful for the triggers!



  125.  #125Azure Blu on December 7, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Beloved #118-20
    Ohhh…. lovely Siren,
    Thank you for sharing all these wonderful feelings…
    so helpful to me to watch you bring it all back to YOU!!!
    This is sooo beautiful!
    Yes, YES!!! You sooo deserve someone who doesnt have all those excuses…
    I notice I make up lots of excuses of why I cancel etc….to a man
    when I’m either NOT interested… or really not ready to start anything…
    When I push pull back from any of my CDs…
    They can ask what is going on… BUT
    it’s best they let me go…



  126.  #126Azure Blu on December 7, 2015 at 6:33 am

    ((((LillyBell))))
    Darling Siren… this sounds sooo tough!!
    You are brave… and sounds like you are doing a great job…
    and Brava for hanging out here on Siren Island for some LOVE and SUPPORT!

    of course PTSD is really awful
    and I believe Spirit has some of that as he lost his son (9 yrs old got run over) his brother and his mother all in one year…
    it’s been 20 years – but he has a tendency to
    use the poor pitiful me card a lot!!!
    I have been playing into it off and on in the past…
    but on Friday he has car problems and texted me that he was at the repair shop and hinting for me to come by and pick him up and hang out till it was done…
    I’m working… we’ve been seeing alot of each other.
    and I NEED to get things done and a break from him…
    I can’t believe I’m saying that… LOL

    anyway… I text him back that I was glad he got his car taken care of and that I was busy all day!
    Usually I would have said….
    Ohhh.. I’m sooo sorry to hear that… do you want me to come by and pick you up?
    Etc, Etc!!!
    I have seen how I need to stop all that!
    Because really I am sure he can take care of all this and He needs to!
    Not get caught up in his victim mode…!!!!



  127.  #127Lilybelly on December 7, 2015 at 7:31 am

    Thank you, Ladies for the support.

    I don’t know how “brave” I actually am, I certainly don’t feel brave.

    And I am challenged for sure. Because, I know that I need to stay in my own energy, and I imagine if we didn’t live together, weren’t married, it would be easier to do so. I’m the kind of person who does really well with step by step instructions on how to do something, this is no different. Instructions that are concise and easy to follow.

    I’ve been all over the blog this weekend, and my and is a jumbled mess of confusion.

    Lean back, take care of myself, don’t engage him in conversation, don’t ask him questions, smile and be warm and soft when he speaks to me.. and the list goes on.

    I feel like I am missing something.

    lol



  128.  #128Azure Blu on December 7, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Lillybell…
    Yes…
    “Lean back and take care of Myself”

    I felt sooo empowered when I let Spirit handle his car issue…

    I saw him that night and we watched the Midwest Championship game and never said another word about it! I stayed OUT OF HIS BUSINESS!!!

    just like when Spirit pretended to ask me over on Thanksgiving…
    I textd him Happy Thanksgiving… and never said another word about it and did not participate in drama he was trying to engage me in.
    Sooooo… there was NO DRAMA!!! :-))

    it takes 2!!! I’m sooo proud of myself for taking good care of me!



  129.  #129Azure Blu on December 7, 2015 at 9:10 am

    (((Lillybell))))
    Yes, I imagine leaning back and concentrating on YOU is MUCH more difficult being married and living in the same house!!!
    Huggs darling! You are doing great!!!
    I know this all does get confusing as you begin to change!
    oxoxo



  130.  #130Starla on December 7, 2015 at 11:51 am

    I had bad ptsd, not combat induced, but this is to say that you have put way too much responsibility on yourself trying to figure out the right things to do. Counseling is the only way. The VA has resources for this, especially for men who are ashamed of needing help.



  131.  #131Lilybelly on December 7, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    I know, Starla. ((((Starla))))



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