The Amazing Man Who Cannot Love You Right

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Here’s a letter from Allison – who’s hung up on a man who not only is acting like a “friend with benefits” – he’s got more POWER in the “relationship” than Allison because of their “doctor/patient” relationship:

“Rori, I need help right away!

I’ve been dating the man of my dreams who I am totally in love with for almost a year. I did give Matt an “I love you,” about 2 weeks ago, then he told me he’s not a good guy to love, etc… He won’t quit dating other girls till, “there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m in love…” He hasn’t been dating other girls much, except for a couple first dates… a glass of wine with 2 different girls who contacted him on Match.com. No big deal.

He’s also been my chiropractor for 7 years. I went into his office for a late visit Wednesday, and I was dressed up nice for a date with another guy. He asked me if I had date, and I told him I do… I could tell he felt uncomfortable, and he told me that if the date doesn’t go well, I should come over after. He texted me a few times while I was out at dinner. Well I had a nice dinner and wine, but all I could think of was Matt! So I did go to his house after, and we always have the most amazing sex! I was telling him the next day that I’m looking for a boyfriend, and he told me that it’ll be a sad day for him when that happens.

Well, he hasn’t called me in over 2 days. I was on facebook very late last night and saw a comment on his page from a girl in his gardening class, saying “I believe I had a wonderful time with you tonight…” OMG!! I am totally freaking out… I texted him at 3:30 in the morning cuz I couldn’t sleep and hadn’t heard from him in so long! All I said was, “I’m having a hard time.” He texted back a couple hours later to say, “OK. Talk to me.”

All I said was that I have had insomnia for 2 nights, and “it would feel good to talk to you whenever I see you again. I’m feeling burnt out on texting.” So he told me to take more calcium/magnesium, and we’d talk about it later.

He usually called every day, and we went out 2-3 nights a week, but lately it’s been down to maybe once a week. I really want to see him! But this girl seems amazing! His type of girl who has the same interests, and is highly educated and beautiful… She’s a teacher. I didn’t mention that I’m a single mom of 3, an exotic dancer and a massage therapy student. So I am a little insecure about my job because of the judgments often made by others… I do enjoy my work as a dancer, and am thankful that I spend so much time with my children because of it but I can not be proud and tell most people what I do. I often get stuck saying that i sell jewelry because i did sell it for a while in the past.

I am freaking out and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him already so quickly! Everything was so wonderful and he’s truly an amazing person!

Here’s my answer:

So what if a man is “great”? (I don’t happen to think this man is so great…but, okay, what if you’re right, he’s “great”?)

George Clooney is great. I wouldn’t mind taking Matthew McConaughy for a spin. A night with Jake Gyllenhaal would be dreamy. And then there’s Adam Lambert.

These men are fantastic. No question about it. And…so what?

There’s a great showbiz story about Dick Powell and June Allyson, long-time happily married couple – and big movie stars.

The story goes like this:

June Allyson was just a girl. No one famous… no famous connections. Dick Powell was a big movie star. She had a crush on him, she had to have him. And so she became a movie star – taking dance lessons and singing lessons and working her way up through bit parts and doing whatever she had to – just to meet Dick Powell. That was her goal.

And – she did it. She became a movie star, she met Dick Powell, they were perfect for each other, and so the fairy tale goes.

(Okay – I can’t corroborate that story – but my mother was in show-biz around the same time – and that was the story she told me, so I’ll stick with it for fancy’s sake…)

Well – are you willing to do that?

Are you willing to create a life that’s so amazing that you can MEET the man of your dreams? I would go with you on that one…if you want George Clooney or Jake Gynllenhall.

However, Matthew is taken, and Adam you’d have to rewire. Rewiring Adam Lambert as a heterosexual is not going to happen, and turning a non-committal man into your prince is a far stretch. And what if June had met Dick and they didn’t click? Would all her efforts have been for nothing?

Well – she’d still be a movie star – not so bad…

And what if the man you’re so crazy for is your doctor? If you’re a doctor too…that would likely pose no issue for you – (and I hear that you’re on your way to doing that, as a massage therapist…) but for the rest of is – it’s a power problem. He has it, you don’t.

Chemistry based on power is an electrified fence. You touch it, you burn.

And – let’s talk about this man – and his ABUSE of POWER.

His “take calcium” response to your cry for emotional help was about as cold a clue as you can get. It’s sort of like saying “I love you” and having the man say back “I know.” Ouch. Pain. Hurt.

I have a very long story about my own hung-upness on a doctor of mine…and so I know how this goes. I was a power junkie. If I thought a man was great – for whatever made-up reason I made up – I was putty in his hands. I was a doormat – and a worshipping one at that. But – you’d never know that.

You wouldn’t have guessed I was a doormat, because I was also secretive. I didn’t talk about my crushes and my emotional attachments to a man. I would be involved with a man, totally be “in love” with him, SEE the evidence that he considered himself a “friend with benefits” – or at most, a “for now sort of boyfriend…” I could SEE that I was “temporary” for him – but I didn’t let on. I played cool. I played along. I just played as though that was okay with me, that I could handle it.

It was me taking crumbs and not even complaining!! It was me pretty much creating a new job description for love – the “willing crumb taker” job – that required pretending, play-acting, and what I thought looked like incredible inner strength but was really incredible tolerance for bad behavior – along with a huge dose of “fooling yourself.”

Basically – I had a good “story.” I sounded and looked confident – as though I had chosen this situation.

I was a hard nut to crack – and when I did crack, I really had to scramble to put myself back together.

Allison – this is going to be easier for you in some ways than it was for me, and in some ways harder.

First…just because you think he’s great doesn’t make that true.

Just because he helps you as a doctor doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart. It doesn’t even mean he’s a good person. In fact, anyone who is a doctor of something as holistic as chiropractic and doesn’t know that he’s damaging your health because he’s affecting your emotional self is not a very good doctor at all.

I see no scenario in which you can not be enraged at him.

And – like me – you’re selling yourself on the lie that he’s somehow better than you.

You are worshipping his “intellect.” You think he has something you don’t – and even want to “give” him this other woman, who you think is more suited to him and better than you. You see him as “professional” and with “status.” You see him as having qualities you wish you had.

And you’re completely belittling and ignoring the amazing, fabulous qualities YOU have – AND…you’re ignoring the fact that you’re working to GET some of those qualities for YOURSELF – so you don’t even NEED to get them through a man.  I know it feels like a shortcut, to get those qualities from a man – but it just doesn’t work that way.

It’s really the total opposite. YOU sound like an AMAZING woman – taking care of your children, taking care of your health, having a good, well paying job that enables you to spend time with your kids and support them – PLUS – studying to do other work that you like. I can’t imagine a better person than you.

And yet – you put yourself down, and raise him up.

In your eyes – he’s better, and you deserve crumbs.

I’m here to tell you to reconsider this judgment. To really, really look at the reality of this situation.

To really look at yourself and the amazing things you’re doing and see how you’re letting the judgments of people who don’t half deserve to even KNOW you run the way you think of yourself.

I want to reach in there and pull you from harm’s way – and this post is the only way I can do that.

Please stop seeing this man totally. Find another chiropractor (there are hundreds). If you have difficulty working with men health practitioners because you get crushes on them – find a WOMAN!

Every man living wants to date an exotic dancer. And an exotic dancer who is studying massage would have to be even more attractive than that! You rock.

So – get yourself out there, with the time you have apart from all the other things you’re doing in your life – and let a REAL MAN date you, treat you the brilliant way you deserve, love you up, and make you feel good.

When you cut this man off (unless he shows up with a solid plan to be the man you want with the commitment level you want) – everything will get better for you. Your anxiety will disappear. Your health will improve. Your self-esteem will go up.

You’ll learn to love yourself…which is always step one in allowing a man to really love you. And a great man (I define a great man as one who loves YOU) will find you and make you happy.

We are all easily swayed by power and our own estimation of “greatness” and the “dream man” qualities we hold dear. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to switch our sense of judgment around a man. Forget about who he is, what he does, how much power, looks, money or status he has.

Instead – look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN. When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better…

Love, Rori

336 Comments

  1.  #1heartbeat on April 24, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I feel really LIFTED reading this post – and my situation is nothing like Allison’s. Thank you Rori! xx



  2.  #2BigLuv on April 24, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    I love what Rori said about great men. I almost snorted with laughter at the so what? I think I’ll use it for a mantra. As a LGBT ally, I did get nervous at the mention of the idea of rewiring Adam Lambert though. I felt triggered although I know the example was intended to be humorous.

    I am grateful that Rori redirected Allison’s attention to herself and her awesomeness. I hope she takes the advice to heart.

    This is what I have learned is the best strategy in being a siren. A siren knows she is hot. Everything a siren does comes from this core belief. A siren isn’t going to be contented with crumbs. May Allison reconnect with her own value. Every woman uplifted to what she truly deserves means more genuine love and abundance for all of us! If the 12th monkey causes a paradigm shift, just what could the next deliriously happy woman in a truly loving relationship accomplish?

    Peace,

    BL-



  3.  #3Turtle Girl on April 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    OMG.
    For some reason this post just makes me want to cry. I feel so sad over this. This women is so incredible and she is doing just what I did. She is throwing herself at a man who she thinks is so great. I did just that. My “greatness definition” was the fact that he was a really talented artist and musician. Bur Rori is so right-that really don’t mean didly.
    Great is how he treats you. Great is can he love you. Great is how do you feel when you are with him.
    That was the “light bulb” for me. HOW DO I FEEL WHEN I AM IN HIS PRESENCE? If it is tension or anxiety, then it is fucked up. Not the right guy.
    The difference in this with men is absolutely astounding, and I never realized it until I started dating other men and got away from the guy I was with. He WAS talented. He WAS a great guitar player,
    he WAS a great artist. And he was NOT a great man.
    He was a toxic man. He was a verbally mean man.
    He was incredibly selfish and had many other terrible values. The only thing GREAT about him was his talents. But he was not great to me.

    Good advice, Rori-get away from this man-he ain’t that great.



  4.  #4Spider on April 24, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I felt so angry reading about this situation. I think this guy is being a horrible creep to Allison. And I’ve been in similar situations, very very similar — I was moving up in the world, but the men thought I was beneath them, and I let them treat me that way. It’s just awful. AWFUL.

    Rori, it’s still so hard, though, because those guys just go and treat other women so well. I know that should make me hate these guys for being so closed-minded, but it is hard not to feel bad about myself.

    It’s much easier for me to see that Allison shouldn’t feel bad about herself, though! He’s a creep — get rid of him!



  5.  #5Daria on April 24, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    my parents seem all closer!

    my dad just said to my mom: see what movies i select for you?

    “key: “for you”””

    not even the joking for my family, or for me, or the goofy cocky stuff my dad says!

    but for you!

    hehe

    i feel good and safe hearing that and touched and excited and it feels like smiles and tingles coming up my chest to my mouth



  6.  #6Daria on April 24, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    I think it’s my feelings about myself that attract judgements. like when i judge myself i will be judged. so im tweaking on not judging myself. it feels difficult sometimes to shelve a past coping strategy that no longer serves me… like “pushing” myself or resisting “being pushed” or… feeling fear and humiliation in a certain setting etc. i love how i feel like im opening up… and how i can Notice my past responses and talk to myself and soothe myself, even a babystep

    here’s my speech I did for toastmasters:

    “Dear Toastmasters:

    Sorry I can’t write a speech. I was planning on cheating and using something already written instead. But I couldn’t find anything.
    So I have no speech. Please don’t expect one. I’m just planning on filling the time as best I can. Urrh. Um.. and… uh.. yaknow.

    As you may know, my name is Daria Simionescu. Daria Ioana Simionescu, really. Hmm. What more can I say? I have long brown hair and I’m about 5 foot 4 and a quarter inch tall. I have size 7 feet that are a little bit wide. I’m feeling a little embaarassed now, standing here in front of you all. That’s yall for short. And giving my non speech. But it sure feels good to have your attention.

    I was born in Romania on a kinda grey day. In June. The sun was rising and the birds were chirping. and Bam. There I was. It felt really exciting. I almost strangled myself. Yuck. That feels kina gross to think about. sort of. maybe not. umbilical cords. do you think they’re gross? I only think they are sometimes. other times I think they are cool. I feel fascinated by medical stuff like that sometimes. I feel fascinated by natural medicine in general. That’s why I was born outside, by a pond with birds chirping. The sun came out and helped me out too.

    Just kidding. It was in the hospital. I still remember it. I felt kinda stressed from all that drama. I mean what’s the big deal? Just trying to be born here.

    Where was I ? oh yeah. It was a grey sunny day. The sun was rising. Birds were chirping. and there I was. Bam. I was here. It was june. June what? I’m not telling.
    Did you know that if you tell people your birthdate they can steal your identity? That’s right. Don’t tell people anything like that. That was something I learned after being born. Before it didn’t make sense. No one wanted to steal my identity before I was born. Or maybe they did. I just wasn’t aware of it yet.

    I think someone stole my identity and charged 400 dollars on my american express card. Or maybe what really happened is when the banks changed that got left over. I don’t know but it’s on my credit report I heard. I don’t feel like taking care of it yet. I feel lazy. Lazy is really underrated. In romania there’s a story about a man who’s lazy. He’s so lazy, he lays in the back of someone’s house all day. And they feed him. Then they get tired of feeding him. So they tell him. We’re not gonna feed you anymore. But then a kind person says. Wow. How can you do that and not feed him? I will. so he tells him. I’m going to bring you some biscuits lazy man. Ok? And the lazy man say’s. Well… but are the biscuits dipped in milk? Because you see he didn’t want to chew the biscuits that were hard. He was too lazy. So the kind man felt angry and horrified. And so they took the lazy man out and hanged him.

    Moral of the story? don’t be lazy. You know I thought about this story recently and realized. OH ISH! Its effin up my life!! Cuz here I am believing that lazyness will get you killed. When in fact, it’s villagers taking you to be hanged that will get you killed. not laziness. After all, the lazy man wasn’t FORCING them to give to him. He was just being. Maybe he was meditating. In fact, the moral of the story is probably some kind of people control method. You know, a feudal trick to have the villagers work work work. Don’t meditate, spend time to yourself, or else what happens? We will turn on you and KILL YOU. That’s right. and What’s more, we will blame you for it.

    I felt really relived to hear this new explanation. Where did I hear it? From myself of course. I’m really kind of a clever little fellow. Though I’m not really a fellow. Onlly partly. We all have male and female energy and voices you know. Like we’re hermaphrodites. I guess it’s fun to be reborn as one or the other. But i think it’s good to clear out those past life issues. That way we can be fully today and stuff. Whatever that means. Haha. That’s a joke sort of.

    Ooops I feel embarassed. My joke feels weird now. Is it time? Time for the end of the speech. Is there really time? What is time. I enjoy being lazy. I enjoy time. Time is like a pretty figure eight.

    Umm, urggh, and uhhh,, you know…

    Oh look its’ time.

    Thanks for hearing my non speech. More non speech to come later. At a later time that is.

    Sorry I couldn’t write a speech.”

    some people said it was great… i giggled too much at my jokes, i thought it might add to it, but instead it kidna took a little away. yes it was quirky. most people were like yay u did your first speech.

    and one person wrote

    “the giggling made it a non – speech. sorry but that was too silly for me. it looked like someone impersonating a little girl”

    i felt crushed! i then saw all the other messages as coverups that avoided the huge elephant of my horrible faux pas failure, my huge embarassment of myself. i thought my parents would think the same, they would be horrified, how could i shame myself and them this way, i look like a fool!

    i felt awful. this was a few days ago. im feeling better now.

    one of my fears and voices always says that i act likea little girl and people see me that way… even on the blog, as silly, irresponsible, strange, and im not even a little girl so very weird and uncomfortably impersonating something that i should be way grown past, a monstrousity

    i feel horrible

    my worst fear came back to me IN WORDS FROM SOMEONE ELSE

    and i embrace myself now



  7.  #7J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    I really feel for Allison. I haven’t been in this situation exactly; but I also have 3 young children, and for me sometimes the question of “What sort of man will take on my three kids?” can feel very overwhelming. The answer is: an amazing one! Her Matt may very well be an amazing man. Maybe just not for her.

    I can feel her anxiety and doubt in this letter. It’s such a shame, because she seems so solid, with momentum, and I hear no doubt from her in her current professional choice. She’s the mama bear doing whatever is necessary to take care of her cubs, and I can hear how proud she is of that. Rightfully so.

    I really don’t have much to say about Matt. There are tons of Matts. Just wanted to give props to Allison.



  8.  #8Apple Jacks on April 24, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Lol, Daria I enjoyed that speech and I feel that if read aloud everyone in toastmasters are really going to like it too. For some reason when I read your post (Daria) I felt my boy energy triggered (not in a bad way). When I was in San Jose three years ago I was looking for a toastmasters to join too. Therefore, I was instantly transported to April of 2007 when I was on the phone speaking to a toastmasters close to my area over the phone. I remember the feeling of the sunshine on the nape of my neck, streaming in through the glass door.

    I’m extremely quiet and shy, and very bad at confrontation. I shut down and paralyze in the face of either confrontation or anytime I am put on the spot. Therefore, a friend of mine suggested that I join Toastmasters. I feel maybe that is why my boy energy was triggerd while reading your speech. It remembers that time and place where for some reason my brain felt like it needs to “take action” and “remedy” that paralysis and shyness so that I can “get” myself out in the world and “compete” and be that “integral” part and just “do do do” and “think think think.”

    *Whew* I feel myself shifting back to girl as I typed that. How amazing! I felt a slight excitment in my tummy when I read, “lazy is really underrated.” I know I feel like I am really ahrd on myself and try to do everything I can to NOT be lazy. So when I read that, I feel that “Lazy Lacey” let out a childlike yelp of joy and clapped like a cute little girl as if she was kissed on the cheek just for being her. 🙂 Thank you for giving my Lazy Lacey a kiss. I love my Lazy Lacey.



  9.  #9J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Rori et al,

    What’s the general consensus on sharing this process with the man (men) you’re involved with? My love interest feels curious, relieved, excited about this 180 I’ve done in attitude. I’ve used the word “Overfunctioning” with him before, when a friend shared one of your emails with me a few months ago. He’s asked to see the ebook; he wants to know what has made me so calm and if it can help him. I want him to find the same peace I’m finding, but part of me wants to keep it for myself…



  10.  #10Daria on April 24, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks Apple JAcks. I feel softening to myself reading what you wrote. thank you. i feel so much more accepting of myself.

    note to daria:

    what to say to a man who talks to me directly about not wanting what i want from teh get go:

    “Oh, thank you for telling me, well, then I guess there’s no point in going any further, good luck in your search…” That’s the only answer here. Stop seeing him, you’re wasting your time. Love, Rori”



  11.  #11J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I also want to add that all of this just feels “right.” Listening to the first Modern Siren disc this morning with my coffee, knitting myself a scarf (everything I knit is always for other people) and enjoying my alone time before the kids woke up, I kept thinking, “I know this. I intrinsically know this. It’s in my DNA.” It feels so good to remember who I am and what I’m capable of. The power I have. And I won’t get caught up in beating myself up for forgetting who and what I am, but go forward in being a living, breathing example of one of life’s greatest gifts: WOMAN.



  12.  #12Daria on April 24, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    That or a chance to let him see me if i DO feel good:

    Rori says:
    Here’s the deal – a man should be zeroed in on you from the first and woo you. He should work to get you away from the other men you’re dating. That’s not always going to happen. It may take him awhile to get to that point. You decide how long you want to give a man – any man – to decide on you…and when it doesn’t feel good that there are other women in the picture – drop him. Simple. Make up your own rules based on what feels good. Love, Rori



  13.  #13Daria on April 24, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    J- Rock! Thas wassup Woman Goddess!



  14.  #14J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Daria,

    Am I getting the hang of this? (grin)

    I find your posts very inspiring. Thought-provoking and feeling-provoking. You rock.



  15.  #15Daria on April 24, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Thank you!!! I think you from the beginning hit the ground running and i feel glad to have a powerful woman like you sharing here with me!



  16.  #16Apple Jacks on April 24, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Now this post, I feel a stinging lump of anxiety tight in my throat. My heart feels heavy, this story is triggering me and I feel exhilerated and sad at the same time. Exhileration is from Rori’s love to Allison and speaking the truth at what a Goddess she truly is.

    The throat tightening anxiety is from seeing quite a bit of myself in Allison. I have been fortunate to not be in the same situation as her, but I can be.

    My heart is crying with questions because as it is opening more and more, there’s more and more space, and more and more visual room to see “greatness” in others (particularly men). What if there’s no hold on who to let in? What if anyone and everyone comes in? What if the wrong person comes in? What if my heart gets broken?

    *Sigh* I’m feeling now the exact same way when I feel for the married man. Unable to eat, unable to speak…just the smoothness of the waves bobbing up and down inside my chest, tears stuck in my throat, and stars dialating my eyes. A feeling like falling a hundred feet in the free air then being caught by a soft cushion, then when the softness wears off I fall again. I feel it happening over and over and over, morning, noon, and night 24/7. Even in sleep. I feel relieved because at least I breathe and get filled with fresh, clean air. I feel every cell within me being rejuvenated and multiplied.

    I hope Allison can get over this creep and come into her own siren tune and soar the atmosphere with that beautiful voice that is uniquely hers.



  17.  #17Lori on April 24, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I feel sad reading this post as well. I had a fabulous relationship with my ex, but once he started moving up in the world, I became insecure. Then I lost my successful career and became even more insecure. The more insecure I became, the more I overfunctioned.

    We broke up, and he started dating a woman who was very successful in his own field. Other than her current success and the fact that she does not have children like I do, she has nothing on me looks, personality or intelligence wise. But I believed that she was more “worthy” of him than I was due to her success, money, the job field in common and not having the “baggage” of children.

    Now I don’t believe he could possibly have with her what he once had with me. I feel that I am great the way I am, and that he’d be lucky to have me. He’d be lucky to have my wonderful children as well. I also feel that if he saw the transformation I’ve undergone this past year, he’d fall in love with me all over again. But it’s way past too late, and I already pushed him away and don’t even have much contact with him anymore.

    I feel sad to see someone else sabotaging herself like I did. I feel sad that I didn’t know then what I know now. I’d probably be happily with him if I did.



  18.  #18J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you. All I can say is I was ready.

    Upon further reflection, I can relate to Allison in a way. I was married to an Amazing Man for 12 years, with him for 16 total. On paper he was a catch: a kind man, attractive, attentive, successful, he would always have a job, he would never beat me, he would never try to screw our kids (literally and figuratively). He was the antithesis of every man I saw as a child. We were a great team, we lived well together, we had what everyone thought was a great life.

    But… I knew on the first date, the first kiss, that he wasn’t The One. We married anyway, because he pursued me, and because it seemed like the right thing to do. The next thing I knew, I weighed 240 pounds and was on a daily dose of Prozac and Xanax just to cope. Not knocking meds AT ALL for those who need them, but I remember telling my therapist that I didn’t want to stay medicated for the rest of my life just so I could stay with my husband. It was soul-sucking. And I felt such guilt, because he WAS such a great guy. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t love him the way he deserved? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t let him in? I took all the blame for years.

    And he wasn’t perfect. He definitely had issues. After all, he willingly married someone who he didn’t have a connection with. It took a lot of work — years — for us to split amicably and lovingly. We joke we should write a book called “The Compassionate Divorce.” It’s possible. Now he lives three blocks away and sees the kids daily, we openly share our dating woes and support each other in our respective quests for happiness. He is an Amazing Man. Just not mine.



  19.  #19Georgie on April 24, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Man oh man is Rori so right!

    I’m gonna say it right out..that guy is a jerk! Cut him off pleeeeeeese! He doesn’t deserve you. I hope I’m allowed to say “jerk” sorry if I’m not. This just upsets me to no end… I mean who does this guy think he is?



  20.  #20J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    AJ, you’re a beautiful writer. I feel every word. As for your heart and your fear of its openness, how would it feel to envision a fine mesh in front of it? A sort of filter that runs one way? All of your love pours out, but you trust the filter to do its job and block any unworthy energy? Just a thought.

    Lori, I feel sad for you, and I feel your regret. I play the What If game a lot.



  21.  #21Apple Jacks on April 24, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    *Grrrr* Stupid laptop keeps, freezing, typoing and going back in the middle of typing a post!

    J-Rock, I love you. I love what you said there about Modern Siren that you intrinsically (can’t spell) know this. I have not gotten modern siren yet but I watched the previews and I feel the exact same way! It’s like I KNEW this! BUt how could I have lived like I have NOT known this, you know?

    And thank you for saying what you did about the filter. That made me feel very empowered and ballooned up with courage. Not to mention relief! 🙂



  22.  #22J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Lori, that should’ve said “I feel sadness with you.” I don’t feel sad for you. That came out wrong. Sorry. I feel empathy for you. I can totally relate.

    AJ, I love you too! I just got off the phone with a dear friend who has seen me through this past year and she was like, “What has happened to you? You sound great?” Her divorce will be final on Wednesday, 18 months of hell, and she feels nervous and excited about dating. I want to share these tools with her. She’s a very strong and enlightened woman, and I know she’ll just soar.



  23.  #23Apple Jacks on April 24, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    J-Rock, I feel excited to know that a friend of yours can see a difference in you after using these tools. It makes me feel like I foind a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I’m sure if you tell her about these tools it would be like the gift that keeps on giving.



  24.  #24J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    AJ, I just feel like I’ve got my footing again. Does that make sense? I felt so derailed this past year. All of the work I’d done on myself, just… poof! Being involved with a married man (separated, grey areas, justifying, yada yada, but STILL. Still not divorced.), closing myself off to anyone else. So much of the immaturity had to do with the fact that he was my 8th grade boyfriend, and we get to be kids again, and he still looks 15 to me and I still look 15 to him. He knew me before I got spoiled, jaded, nihilistic and angry. He knew me when I was fresh, and so much of the relationship has been the joy of having a giant reset button.

    This week he actually asked for my help moving forward. It took exactly four days of leaning back and being a Siren. Warm, open, inviting, feeling messages, not pushing, no anger or frustration, no attacking. He asked for my help. What this means, and what I’m comfortable with, I’m really not sure yet. the boy in me wants to draw up his petition, drive him to the courthouse, find him a house, call the movers. But is that the man I deserve? What sort of precedent does that set for the rest of our life together?

    I want to be the girl. He has been with Boy girls all of his life. It’s confusing to him, because he’s a man. He knows he’s not a woman, so he reverts to being a child. I see so much man in him, but he’s got to see it for himself. Rori’s Tools are giving me the strength to lean back, step back if necessary, and allow him to take the reins. I want to see what he’s made of. I want to see if he’s worthy of me. I have three children, and I don’t particularly need a fourth right now.

    Blahbedy blah blah. I feel talky tonight.



  25.  #25Rori Raye on April 24, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    J Rock…you can say you’re working with a coach and writer you found…but please, DON’T fill him in on the stuff or give him the book. Reason – you don’t want to tell nuts-and-bolts about ANYTHING!! We’re trying to get ourselves out of our heads and into our bodies and hearts….and the moment we “explain” anything to a man…it’s working the wrong way…AND – a man will only use it AGAINST you…so…say the book is for women, and you feel right now like it’s sort of private coaching and you don’t want to share your process just yet…just say it’s “girl stuff” and it feels kind of “girly…” If he asks you…say “I’m learning a girly kind of ‘Non-Violent Communication’…we can look that up if you’d like..” then let him find that himself, or with you – and that’s something you can try together if he wants…let him LEAD….Love, Rori



  26.  #26softy on April 24, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    OMG Rori you rock!!!!! thanks so much for this post.

    I love this – Rori said
    look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN. When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better.

    God Bless



  27.  #27Ingrid on April 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Allison:

    Rori’s very tactful advice is right-on I believe.

    Especially the part about “any man would love to date an exotic dancer”…..and of course have sex with her too! You deserve so much more than this Allison. He is a creep, a user, a non-committal man, thinking he can sleep with any woman he wants. Phooey. Just because he’s a doctor. Big deal. He may as well be a bum, one who “uses women”, then trying to act so concerned.

    I love what Turtle Girl said too, the more insecure she became, the more she over-functioned. I do/did the same. I am working on being strong on the inside and soft on the outside, where I’ve been the opposite in my 22 year marriage mostly.
    It’s so hard to love yourself sometimes, and a struggle to get to the place where you really feel, so or so would be LUCKY to have me!!! Kids and all~!
    We can all get there though.

    Be strong Allison~



  28.  #28J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I will push aside all feelings of embarrassment and post again… I feel sad about some things. I feel good about feeling sad, and expressing it. I had an unscheduled free night without kids, and my man offered to break his plans to be with me. He said he would be here if I needed him. I told him that was silly, go to a movie with his friends. I didn’t want to be in a place of appearing needy. I’m not needy. But was that my cue to say, “Yes, drop your friends and come see me!”? I feel confused. I thought I was being strong. What I really wanted was for him to invite me along. I feel sad everything is so separate. My ex says, “Why should you integrate him into your life when he doesn’t do the same?” And he’s right. My man stands to lose a lot of money if his divorce doesn’t go right. I want a man who will walk away from millions to be with me. I want a man who will crawl through cut glass to lay at my feet. I would move mountains to be with this man, and he goes home after the movie to take a bath, instead of coming to me and laying in my arms.

    We have a date tomorrow night. I want to break it. I want to go out with my girlfriends and dress up and flirt with boys.

    I feel so curious about his wife. What sort of woman stays with a man when he tells her, two years into the marriage, he doesn’t want to have kids with her because she’s nuts and then moves out of the bedroom? What sort of woman stays with a man who wants to divorce her? What sort of woman stays with a man whose wedding ring has been in a drawer for 18 months, or won’t even let her touch his new facial hair, or take her to the airport? What sort of woman tells him he can stay in the house while he looks for a place to live instead of blowing money on the extended stay hotel he’s been in, even though he’s been gone every Wednesday night and every other weekend for the past year? What sort of woman asks where his bag of sex toys goes when he leaves at night, and then doesn’t press when he doesn’t give her an answer? It’s all baffling to me.

    I’m a punk chick, a party girl. But right now I’m listening to classic country. Old school Tammy and George. It’s sort of making sense…

    Writing this makes me feel better. I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep, and making decisions tomorrow. Scarlet O’Hara and all that.



  29.  #29J-Rock on April 24, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Thank you, Rori. That’s what I thought. And felt. 🙂



  30.  #30Siena on April 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    I felt deep peace as I read Rori’s last response. Just this afternoon, while I was walking my dog, I was daydreaming about sharing some Siren secrets with The Man (I renamed him again from My Man to The Man. “My” sounds controlling, and I’ve surrendered control). I didn’t even ask the question of “whether” I should share these secrets, but the answer is loud and clear! And NOT sharing feels powerful and mysterious and deeply feminine. I love that feeling!!



  31.  #31Siena on April 24, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    I just got off the phone with feeling man. He’s been texting and calling me for two months, and will not ask me out. I’ve been routinely using feeling messages with him regarding how I like to be courted. He just doesn’t get it! He keeps asking permission! I feel like wringing his neck!!

    So today, I decided to be bold and tell him straight out that I didn’t want to continue texting and emailing anymore… And, since he wasn’t understanding my feeling messages, asked him straight out, “why haven’t you asked me out yet.” I heard him get defensive right away, so I switched to, “I’m feeling really uncomfortable with all this texting and emailing before we’ve even met. Could you tell me how long you’re thinking of just texting and emailing so I can feel better about it?”

    It still really didn’t work, because he’s wayyyyy in his girl energy. But he keeps telling me that I’m completely unlike the other women he’s met. That feels good I guess.

    I’m feeling impatient though. I wonder, is he a mirror or a message? Why does he keep popping up?

    Btw, Rori, if you read this – you told me recently that I’m too nice to be considered rude by anyone. And that the day someone tells me I’m rude, I should throw a party because it means my nice girl image is dead. So I was trying really hard to be rude with him, and said what I thought were outrageously rude things. He just ate it up, and I think it turned him on. Ugh!

    Dear God, thank you for these lessons! I feel really ready for Mr. Right to show up to help me continue my journey. Thank you!



  32.  #32heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Siena & J-Rock – re telling men about Siren Island – I felt shocked when I found out I had POF fans following me on here! (See that’s what happens when you pick a made-up word for a username, mention it in passing in a comment here, and inquisitive chaps google it – bringing them straight to the comment.). I felt amused too, and a bit rockstar-ish. I faltered for a bit, considered changing my name and pic on here (I use the same one on POF). Then felt curious about how it might feel having my feelings out there like that.

    I told Eco-builder pretty much what Rori advises – I said ‘I felt so embarrassed when I realised anyone could link to there – but honestly, I have learned SO MUCH about communicating in a non-blaming, non-attacking way in relationships. I used to feel really insecure but it’s helped with that too.’ And then I giggled and threw my hands in the air, and he smiled too.



  33.  #33Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:10 am

    im feelin hella mad at freakin Dman whos iming me. im mad at him for this freakin uti that keeps poppin up everytime i even TOUCH my OWN FUCKIN SELF NOW!!

    i feel pist at him and i feel blaming towards him and im now expressing my blaming feeling and attacking him

    urgh

    hes like i didnt do it

    im like u did something

    ufff

    im like i feel hella frustrated

    i doooo

    and i feel pist at fuckin Security

    cuz my body may be fuckin tryna get pregnant with his fuckin child and he

    wants to act funny and immature and he doesnt care

    im sure he WANTS me to get pregnant ufff

    fuck

    rrrrrr

    an im tryna be open with dman and all i feel like is attackin him



  34.  #34heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:16 am

    Update on Stalker Guy – he’s the one who wrote to me on POF ‘Dear heartbeat’ – I nearly choked on my latte. And I wrote back ‘wow I felt really spooked when I read that.’

    Well he wrote back giving me a list of ‘facts’ about me – height, circumstances etc, I felt invaded. He said well anyone could read it, it’s a public forum. I did a little experiment and followed the link from google, realised he would have had to read through two or more posts/threads to get that info. I felt sooo exposed!!

    So I wrote back – can’t remember exact words, something along the lines of ‘you’re right, it is a public forum, and y’know it would feel great to have more men commenting’. Haha!!

    No, I don’t think he’s commented. Unless he’s posing as a siren.



  35.  #35Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:16 am

    im doing my best with freakin feeling messages and i dont feel close or anything… i feel sad and dissociated



  36.  #36heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:28 am

    I’m feeling amused at my squaring-up feeling with Stalker Guy. I can feel bared teeth and pointy breasts, and hair flyin in the wind. Haha! I like a man who challenges me, even if I feel angry at first. Though I don’t feel sexually attracted to SG. But thank you for the lesson that I can stand proudly at the borders.



  37.  #37heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Daria – I’m here, I read you xxxxx



  38.  #38Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:30 am

    so i was telling him how i feel mad and i said i dont know how to feel better what u think?

    he says

    what do you need

    and i say

    i need to feel close to a man…
    orr… i dont know what i need…
    it would feel good to feel better

    he says:

    you dont need a man its too much drama

    and i said

    lol
    that doesnt feel good to hear

    he says

    yea

    i said

    naw i feel mad hearing that
    this conversation doesnt feel good
    im gonna stop

    and then i closed the im and got off that line

    WEEE

    i feel better

    fuck that

    i dont want to feel dragged down



  39.  #39Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Heartbeat what do you think!!
    grrr

    i feel mad!



  40.  #40heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Daria sometimes I write out what I feel like saying however it comes out, swear words, names an’all. I understand how hard it is sometimes to speak in the new way. Sometimes it feels deliciously refreshing to imagine spitting it all out the old way. When I do this I sometimes end up laughing, or I feel releived, or the issue/man ‘shrinks’ and then I feel in a more level place. Hugs to you, I can feel a lot of anger and fear, and I would be feeling the same in your shoes xxxxx



  41.  #41Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:36 am

    i dont feel good talking to a man that doesnt want to be my man



  42.  #42Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:38 am

    yes i think the new way is the regular way for me now

    i just felt stuck

    but lets see

    i know you all hung up over your baby mama and i dont like that. i dont want to keep having sex with you or talking this way to you if you dont want to be my man. i feel bad and i dont like it.

    what do you think? or…. instead

    im gonna take care of myself now and make myself feel better

    bye



  43.  #43heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Daria – that’s similar to a convo I once had – and I revisited it myself, how I said it. ‘a hug would feel good’ – is that what you wanted to say? I wonder if men really get ‘close’ – I’ve pondered that and when asked have a list of practical ‘closeness activities’ to hand. I ask myself ‘what makes me feel close to a man’. Sometimes I feel it’s as elusive as the connection not feeling strong, though. That’s tough. You’re doing great!



  44.  #44Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:40 am

    heyy
    i could just drop the baby mama sentence. i mean im guessing he thinks that my having a man is too much drama because of him and his baby mama and whatever, cuz he talked about that a lot. but … who knows?

    the point is i dont want to keep talking to a man that doesnt wnat to be my man. that feels bad. and i dont want to feel that way. so im gonna lean back and take cear of myself now.



  45.  #45heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:41 am

    Daria you can type faster than me damn!!! lol



  46.  #46heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:41 am

    Yes I’d drop the babymama bit



  47.  #47Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:41 am

    heartbeat. actualy no i dint want to say a hug would feel good. i was hoping hhe wouldnt understand that.

    i meant it would feel good to Feel close, like understood, supported etc…

    i said most of it

    fuck it

    im sure my actions are making what i wouldve said just as clear



  48.  #48Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:42 am

    he can leave me the fuck alone for all i care

    fuck

    i dont feel like im being given to here. fuck him.



  49.  #49Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:43 am

    hehe thanks for the support heartbeat.

    im feeling better.



  50.  #50heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:44 am

    “I don’t feel good getting close with a man who has someone else. I end up feeling edgy and small. I need to take care of myself now. Bye”



  51.  #51heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:47 am

    “it would feel good to Feel close, like understood, supported etc…” – Daria I understand, every woman on the planet understands. But I’m not sure all men do. It’s just my instinct to try a slightly different way of communicating this – “snuggling up with a film would feel fantastic right now” “curling up in your arms would feel amazing. I feel sad and afraid.”



  52.  #52heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:52 am

    Daria – just re-reading – 37 sounds great to me!!



  53.  #53heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 12:58 am

    You’re welcome, Daria – it helps me too, to think in different ways about how I might say something similar. Probably helped myself more than I’ve helped you lol! *heartbeat scuffles off to make a cup of tea*



  54.  #54heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Is anyone else in Europe up? Kettle’s on!

    I feel embarrassed when all the incoming comments in the right hand box —–>
    say heartbeat heartbeat heartbeat
    😉



  55.  #55Daria on April 25, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Heartbeat ! hehe!!! i feel embarassed and kinda powerful and good when they say Daria Daria Daria heheh!

    btw hes not with his babymama

    anyway im glad i said what i said and did what i did, i feel better

    no need to have my energy drained

    and i now have the feeling to use

    i dont want to talk to a man that doesnt want to be my man. that feels bad.

    yay!!



  56.  #56heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Well I’m feeling better now too. I woke up feeling furious at my upstairs neighbours – after (yet another) night of being woken up by their shouting at each other, followed by noisy make-up sex. I wanted to bang doors and put Springsteen on full blast, then leave it on loop all night while I drove off dramatically (and noisily).

    I’m accepting I’m gonna have to foot the bill for soundproofing. All my rage gets me is high blood pressure. I’ll also check my legal position, but I don’t want a fight. They quibble over other shared costs. It never used to be like this – when there was just him, we just got stuff done and it felt easy. I could call or text him and discuss. But since he got married, he doesn’t respond, even though I address any messages to both of them. I feel oppressed by her yelling at him. She says stuff like ‘I told him to do this but you know how laid back he is, nothing gets done’. How NOT to communicate.



  57.  #57heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Yay Daria! I don’t want to talk to a man who doesn’t want to be my man either (unless he’s an interesting friend).



  58.  #58heartbeat on April 25, 2010 at 1:31 am

    The sun has got his hat on – hip hip hip hooray
    …….and I’m going out to play.

    Laters xx



  59.  #59Hava on April 25, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Hi Rori,
    My man and I were finally (7 weeks into the relationship) alone over night and trying making love for the first time. This man turned out to be impotent (he’s hoping it’s temporary, cause he hasn’t have sex in 10 years, and now he started with a testasteron patch and this can take a few months to work). He was very loving and tender other wise, but I got turned off. (Ihe also let himself go over the years, gining weight, not exercising etc.). I don’t know what to do Rori, I like him a lot, he’s generous, caring, lovingetc. I feel doomed to either be with a chil-man, who’s fun, but nut nurturing my femininity, a toxic man, non-commital men, or impotants. Are my relationship standards too high? I follow your advice.Love, Hava



  60.  #60Turtle Girl on April 25, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Hava-
    I totally relate to your post. I meet, toxic men, non committal men, boy men, passive girl men,
    or wonderful men in every way except they are impotent! It is maddening!

    I feel frustrated, lonely and sad that this is so. I also sometimes feel angry. I feel in denial-I don’t want to accept these kinds of men! I want a manly man who will love me and be a man. One where everything works, isn’t crazy, isn’t immature, isn’t a girl. I don’t want a man who is toxic either.

    Dear Universe-do you hear me?
    Send me a normal grown up man who is kind, loving and responsible, and good looking to me.
    Thank you universe.



  61.  #61J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I have a history of throwing myself at emotionally stunted, developmentally arrested, weak, scared, skittish, scarred, socially retarded, gay, married or otherwise unavailable men as a way of replaying over and over the rejection from my father that I experienced as a young girl. I knew this. Did the knowledge keep it from happening? No. No, it did not. A 12-stepper friend once told me “Self-awareness avails nothing!” Grrrrr. Frustrating.



  62.  #62Rachel on April 25, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    I just came across this and immediately thought of Siren Island! Here we are… not perfectly, but getting closer every day. I just had to share with all of you beautiful women who love and support each other while we learn to love ourselves!

    Hugs!

    ******

    “Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
    A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
    Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present.
    A woman who has walked through her past.
    Who has healed into the present.

    Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
    A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
    Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

    Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
    A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
    Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

    Imagine a woman who honors the body of Goddess in her changing body.
    A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
    Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
    A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
    Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as a breath.

    Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
    A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
    Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

    Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
    A woman who produces original creations.
    Who refuses to color inside someone else’s lines.

    Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
    A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
    Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
    A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
    Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

    Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
    A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenger.
    Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

    Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
    A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
    Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

    Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
    A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
    Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

    Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
    A woman who is available to herself.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
    A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
    Who expects others to be challenged and blessed by her presence in their lives.

    Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
    A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
    Who has taken her rightful place beside them in the human community.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
    A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the necessary skills to navigate through the challenges of life.

    Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
    A woman who sits in circles of women.
    Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

    Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
    A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
    Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

    Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
    A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
    Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.

    Imagine yourself as this woman.”

    Patricia Lynn Reilly



  63.  #63Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Thank you Rachel



  64.  #64Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:57 pm


  65.  #65Daria on April 25, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    ok it didnt seem to go thru yet

    heres a funny video some girls did impersonating “guy time” hehe

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEyU7L4bksw&feature=popular



  66.  #66Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Hello everyone. What do you think of these emails I just got from a guy on match.com — this is the first time he has ever written me:

    First, about an hour ago:

    “Would you be available and interested in meeting me tonight in [his town] for dinner and drinks?
    I’m headed to the shower so if you could text me that would be great 🙂 [his phone no.]”

    I looked at his profile, but did not respond yet (I have a ton of emails older than his that I haven’t gotten to yet.)

    So, a few minutes ago, I get this from him:

    “what’s wrong
    Did I mess up by asking you to text me?
    Or was I just too ugly when you looked at me?
    The invitation is still open if you’d like to just answer me here”

    I have no interest in the guy, but I feel curious how you sirens would feel about these emails (they feel weird to me).

    <3
    Lucy



  67.  #67Ingrid on April 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Lucy:

    I would want to know more about him before I met him anywhere.



  68.  #68Georgie on April 25, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    To Lucy:

    I’d tell the guy that I need more notice than a few hours and I don’t feel comfortable meeting him in his town.



  69.  #69dawn on April 25, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    He sounds needy and desperate ! I feel really icky with needy and desperate . NEXT !!!



  70.  #70Turtle Girl on April 25, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Rachael-
    That was an awesome piece-thanks so much!
    xxxooo



  71.  #71dorothea on April 25, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Yuck I feel yuck about dude on the email.



  72.  #72dorothea on April 25, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    It was that part about being too ugly to respond to. like wtf.



  73.  #73Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Yeah, it all just felt weird. I started to try to write a response, but I couldn’t put anything into words… so I think I might just not respond.



  74.  #74Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I had a brunch date with a new guy today. I actually kind of like him. I almost kinda didn’t want to go out with him cuz 1) he is bald, which is a turn-off for me, and 2) he has the same name as my ex-h.

    But my gut feeling was Go.

    I’m glad I did cuz 1) he paid for my yogurt and granola parfait and cafe mocha, and 2) he was SO easy to talk with, it felt good to be with him, and we have a lot in common.

    He wanted me to go to an event with him next Saturday but I can’t cuz I have other plans.

    However, I feel kinda bad cuz I think I probably won’t feel physically attracted to him.

    TN man has lots of beautiful hair. But he is not here.
    🙁



  75.  #75dorothea on April 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    He might not actually have lots of beautiful hair either…



  76.  #76Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Oh, he does… It’s gorgeous. 🙂



  77.  #77dorothea on April 25, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Ohhh I didn’t realize you saw it in person, sorry!



  78.  #78dawn on April 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Rachel, That my friend was the most awe inspiring thing i think i have ever read ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing !



  79.  #79sholynn on April 25, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I’m in love with my friend(we’re freinds for just a year) and i admitted it to him, i told him i just wanted him to know because i am becoming uncomfortable and i don’t like it, he asked me if what he can do to make me feel better, and i said nothing because i don’t want to force him to like me, he’s such a nice guy and he respected my feelings, i knew that he sees me as just friend. i can’t avoid him coz we leave in the same community. I told him i miss him if i don’t see him, so he sometimes tried to avoid me, but we can’t avoid each other because we work in same place(diff department though). What should i do?



  80.  #80J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Rachel, that was so lovely. Thanks for sharing.

    Heartbeat, I feel scared and nervous for you re the cyberstalker. I would feel so violated. Yes, it’s a public forum, but… I have pretty extreme boundary and privacy issues as it is. It wouldn’t be hard for my man to find me on here and read everything I’ve written. That’s my picture. That’s the name he calls me. He saw the Modern Siren discs on my coffee table last night; it would take a quick google to find the blog, though I suspect he’s been following this for days. He feels so curious about what’s in my head right now, he may have looked through my computer while I slept. I don’t know. I feel horrible and violated and angry, just at the thought of it. He’s been calling me J-Rock more lately. He is not happy around me. He is scared of me. And you’re right, Rori, he HAS been using the Tools against me. He’s said things to me he could only get from these posts.

    What do you do when using these tools has the opposite effect? He feels terrified and panicked over my new perspective. He feels threatened by my peace and calmness. He has shut down. He bailed on plans we had tonight. His reason was feeling panicky and awful. This is not the first time. In the past, it would turn into a huge power struggle with me trying to get him over here to work through whatever he was dealing with. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn’t. He has said this past year that he’s afraid I’m too much woman for him. Maybe he’s right. But what did I do? I compromised myself. I made myself appear weak. I handled him with kid gloves, and babied him, and punished him. Totally took over the mother role.

    Now I am showing him who I am. I am open and loving and caring and understanding. I am leaning back. And he’s retreating. What does that mean? Did he just love the drama? The roller coaster? The push-pull? He said that was killing him. I know he loves me. But I’m really beginning to see how he’s shown me in his words and actions how he doesn’t believe he can be the man I want and need. In a way, this is even MORE frustrating.

    I think he’s retreating either because my new perspective is forcing him to face his inadequacies, or he simply doesn’t LIKE this me. Or both. Either way, I’m very close to it not mattering anymore. I said to him, “I hoped and prayed all day that you would suck it up and step up and get out of your head and quit feeling sorry for yourself and pull yourself together and come get me and show me a nice evening.” And his response was, “Me too.” Ugh.

    My mother, bless her heart, was never one for dispensing words of wisdom. But one thing she always told me was, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

    I know I need to stop analyzing him. It does no good. I know I need to move on. I feel really, really grateful to have found this blog and all of you women.



  81.  #81Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    J-Rock, I’m glad you’re here too and I’m so sorry about what’s going on between you and your SO. I also felt sick to my stomach when Heartbeat mentioned her cyberstalker. My solar plexis siad, “Hey, creepo. This is a women’s blog only. If you wanna keep your dick in tact, stay off it.”

    Rori said that if a man knows about these tools, then he may end up using it against the woman. My question is why? I feel I know intuitively, but I guess I cannot help but to feel curious as to what might ignite him to feel the need to resort to that. Is it a power thing where it just makes him feel threatened??? Can’t help but to feel curious.



  82.  #82Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Rachel, that poem made me feel like dancing on air. Thank you for sharing. 🙂



  83.  #83J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    AJ, I think there is a certain type of man who already feels threatened and bewildered by women in general. They’re a very sensitive type who have experienced a woman’s ability to bring them to their knees and rip their heart out, and they’re forever wounded and scared and think we’re all part of this secret society set up to hurt them. It’s a fear that borders on misogyny. I’ve told my man before that he thinks women are to be fucked or feared. Or both. It’s always said in jest, and it always gets a laugh. But many a thing said in jest is truly meant. Ugh.

    Intuitively, I’ll tell you this: maybe we are “smarter” than they are about things they feel most vulnerable about. They think we don’t need them, and they fear our power. They are physically stronger than we are, so they use that power and aggression and innate need to control to keep us in our place. I have a friend who douses using SRT techniques. It’s awesome, but definitely way out there by most people’s standards. She says the male gender is evolutionarily headed for extinction. Men intuitively know this, it’s in their DNA, and that’s why they have set up a patriarchal society, to cling to the survival of their genetic code.

    Whew. That seems so heavy… Me, I love men and would be sad to see them go. I need a man as a life partner. It feels right. But I think there is a type of man that would feel threatened by a bunch of hens sitting around discovering our own power. They would view it as further ammo to hurt them. Does that make sense?

    I feel a little off discussing men this way. I don’t think this is a forum to analyze, and I’m sorry if anyone feels uncomfortable. I don’t even really feel the need to understand men and their motives anymore. Clearly, it hasn’t worked for me in the past. Sometimes I think it’s all pretty simple when it comes down to it: feed them, meet their physical needs, and tell them every day what a great job they’re doing just being themselves. But dear God, don’t dissect them, or ever let them think you’re dissecting them.

    If my way of thinking is out of line, I’m hoping y’all will let me know.



  84.  #84J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Whoa. That was very boy, yes? I feel confused about the whole boy energy/girl energy.



  85.  #85J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Talking to my ex today, his dating woes… A woman he has been pining over for over a year now, he works with her. They finally kissed at a retreat last week (drunken encounter). In his business, interoffice relationships are not unheard of, but she said she doesn’t want to get involved with him because she doesn’t “want to be that girl.” She told him she doesn’t do well with uncomfortable situations. I feel grateful she let him down easy, because he is a dear sweet man. But he said today, “She’s really got her hooks in me.” That statement right there shows me the view a man can take of a woman. I feel sad. I wish he could say, “I like her. I feel good around her. I want to be with her.” Not that she’s some sort of predator.



  86.  #86Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    J-Rock, I was the one who asked the question. I apologize. I guess I just felt curious. I guess there are just underlying layers that the sexes have that trigger and certain instincts in each other. *Shruggs*



  87.  #87dawn on April 25, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Heartbeat, I feel out of the loop, I feel very protective of my Irish sister. Im at a loss for words!! I am untrusting by nature and there are a couple times I felt a mans presence here. I may be wrong as ive been wrong before…… WOW !



  88.  #88J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    No, no, AJ. No need to apologize. You’re sweet. I get off on tangents. I’m in my head 95% of the time. It’s a problem, I know. That’s the main thing I want to learn here, is how to get out of my head. It does me no good. It feels bad. Ego, ego, ego…

    I’m 40, and almost every man I’ve ever been involved with has told me at one point that he was scared of me. Jokingly, seriously, whatever. One told me he wished I would use my powers for good, not evil.

    I also had a dear male friend tell me that I was a strong woman, and I needed a strong man. Acting weak with a weak man wouldn’t make him stronger. So where’s my strong man? To quote Charlotte from Sex and the City: “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m tired! Where is he, damnit?!” 🙂



  89.  #89Siena on April 25, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Sirens, I need help. I feel confused and a little stuck. Just got back from a CD. I used a lot of feeling messages, leaned way back in my chair, and did the whole open heart thing. At the end of the date, he kissed me and told me that ours was the best date convo he’s ever had.

    I feel frustrated, because I’ve heard that a LOT before. I don’t want to be a great conversationalist! I want to feel adored!

    I felt comfortable in our convo, with minor sparks. But I didn’t feel major sparks. I feel like I should have been able to create major sparks, major connection. Does anyone have insight into what that “marilyn monroe” vibe is, where there’s so many sparks that the convo doesn’t really matter?

    Conversation is a mind to mind connection, and I want to create a heart to heart connection.

    Help!?



  90.  #90dawn on April 25, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    J Rock, I do understand what you are saying but with all due respect I dont agree that men are any more simple than we are. I feel its that disrespect that divides us. WE all want and need the same things . I value this forum as a respectful place for us to speak our truth and understand ourselves so that we can have a healthy relationship. I havent encountered any man bashing here and in my opinion, is the way it should stay.



  91.  #91J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Dawn, I was afraid I was coming off that way. I don’t mean to, at all. I mean no disrespect. You are right: we all want and need the same things. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by the perceived divide, and that’s why I was apologizing for all of the analyzing. I’ve had an icky feeling the last few days of an “us vs. them” mentality, and I don’t like it. I truly welcome and feel appreciative of your feedback. I’m learning.



  92.  #92dawn on April 25, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Siena, God luv ya ! Marilyn simply oozed sexy ! She had that innocent vibe that im sure would be pretty hard to duplicate . Be yourself. She came into an era where women wernt really respected, in my opinion. She died in her own bed of her own hand because of a broken heart. I feel scared! What she portrayed and what was in her heart were two different things. PLEASE dont aspire to be that. We love you just as you are.



  93.  #93Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Siena — I always thought that the “sparks” come from it being the right combination of two people.



  94.  #94dawn on April 25, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    J Rock , I hear ya ! I love men. Its really easy at times to forget that they actually have feelings too. I feel almost protective of them at times. They are just as messed up as we are only we got the balls to admit it! LOL



  95.  #95Siena on April 25, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Oh, I’m feeling frustrated! The man I adored left and said that he never was able to talk to anyone like he could me. I figured he meant we had a mind to mind connection, and I’ve been working hard on Siren stuff to overcome that. So it feels terrible to hear it again. I feel hrumph and majorly annoyed!



  96.  #96dawn on April 25, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    J Rock, no need to EVER appologise here. We learn from each other. You can feel safe here and there is no jugdement. We are all sisters , living, laughin and lovin.



  97.  #97dawn on April 25, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Siena, that reminds me of the little round man when he said I was the best sex he ever had > I often wondered what he thought of the other girls he was screwing same time as me. I think sometimes its what they think you want to hear ? Just a thought



  98.  #98J-Rock on April 25, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Thank you, Dawn. I feel protective of men, too. I’m raising two of them!

    Signing off and giving my brain and heart a break. I’m feeling pretty heartbroken and confused and overwhelmed tonight. Sweet dreams, ladies…



  99.  #99Siena on April 25, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Thanks Dawn. I just feel disheartened that I received the same feedback today as I did before I did all this work on myself. I wonder if I’m just focusing on the wrong thing. I would rather have spent the night with my old bf than with this new guy -especially if I was gonna get the same reaction, ya know?



  100.  #100Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Aww J-Rock, I feel protective of your broken heart. Sleep well.



  101.  #101Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Hey Siena, I don’t know about Marilyn Monroe but I feel pretty confident that Siena is quite top notch. 🙂 Besides, MM had her own angst to deal with.



  102.  #102dawn on April 25, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Siena, focus on yourself! Get outta your head ! Just be yourself . The work you have done is still there you just sorta forgot it. Baby steps!! These guys are around to teach us something. I dont think its really you , I think it might be the guys you are attracting? does that make sense to you ? Being your authentic self will attract the guy you desire and the relationship that will work.



  103.  #103Siena on April 25, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Thanks AJ. 🙂



  104.  #104Siena on April 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Dawn, I know i’m in my head. I just feel sad because I did all the tools, and still…. Grrrr, I know I’ve said it over and over again!

    He was just a messenger anyway. I had a specific question, and he answered it.

    I just want to feel adored, that’s all. By someone who I feel is not lame.



  105.  #105Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    “I just want to feel adored, that’s all. By someone who I feel is not lame.”

    I hear you! That’s exactly how I feel too. <3



  106.  #106dawn on April 25, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Ladies, I hate to say it but if you adore you he will adore you ! There is nothing lame in that . By the way you are allowed to have a bad date ! It makes the good ones seem even better. dont be so hard on yourself !!



  107.  #107Apple Jacks on April 25, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Siena – you’re welcome!

    Dawn – yeah…I love adoring myself, it’s so much fun hehe. 🙂



  108.  #108mary on April 25, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Hey and hello!

    Oh, WOW. I’ve just scheduled three or four dates for this week, AND job interviews AND other stuff! Should be busy.

    I’ve just realized something. I’ve only been out with Island Guy once. And I wasn’t all that impressed. I wrote him a quick thank you, and we’ve been emailing back and forth for a few weeks while I’ve been out of town, AND…

    You won’t believe this, but…

    I have those LOVE feelings for him.

    I’m trying to backtrack and look through the emails and figure out WHAT HAPPENED, and how did I let my heart get involved in this NON-RELATIONSHIP, as this must be my pattern!

    Here’s the only thing I can come up with:

    It has to do with Rori’s second thing – the first being “Date at least three.” It’s about “keeping the focus on ME.”

    This guy has let me know some things: his wife died and left him with four children to raise by himself. He quit his logging job for her because she was concerned for his safety. He has only brothers and was rather stumped about raising teenage daughters, and he told me he doesn’t have a lot of money and is worried about that.

    =

    Love?

    I think I have it! The place where I’m getting confused and sidetracked and bushwacked is that I start focusing on THEM! I get INTO THEIR STORY and see myself fitting into it! Oh! That is so not siren behavior!

    I can see myself living on this little island with this very gentle person, filling in all the gaps that his woman left behind. (And she died in 91, so wha????? you mean there has been NO ONE since then? I don’t even know half of his story yet.) And we’re doing free stuff, and conserving money, and I’ve pared down to 200 pairs of shoes and only 50 purses… (just kidding!)

    So how to keep the focus on ME? What do I do with all this empathy?

    At this point in my life, I have many options. It’s a time when my kids are grown and my mom is pretty healthy, so I have lots of time on my hands! I’m starting a new career, for fun and money, but I could start anything.

    I’m kind of starting from scratch and creating a new life for myself. Which is so fun! And it’s such an amazing opportunity! And I’m so thankful!

    One of the biggest ingredients of this new life that I’m creating for myself is a MAN. Or MEN, if it doesn’t work out to be a MAN. And I am rather flexible about how the rest of it plays out. So it’s difficult for me not to flex around MEN when they’re in my life.

    How to keep the focus on ME????????

    That is the question.

    Because my direction in part would have to work for our life together. I mean, I don’t want to start a career that leaves him completely out. Or makes it impossible for us to do X Y or Z. Because that’s secondary.

    How to focus on ME when I’m not sure of my direction?

    Just make one up?

    I’m pretty thrilled to be figuring this out ON THIS SIDE of my dates! It’s really the first time for me to try circular dating. I’m worried already for K, because he seems rather smitten! I care about their feelings, but I am a diva siren now, and I’m just gonna stay on my horse and go…

    Where?



  109.  #109mary on April 25, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    I guess I can just carry on with my real estate focus. Just act as if THAT’S THE THING for me. Go with the flow of it. Create excitement around it. (It was my back-up plan, but a front plan is not materializing…) And here’s what makes me wonder: I can do the other thing, too. Not have but 2 pairs of jeans. Just wear clogs. No makeup. (Okay, just eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, blush and all of my skin-care products…) Do a new photography blog with my sensational light box idea! Play piano one night a week somewhere…

    Oh, yeah. When would I date?

    See… all this other stuff is peripheral stuff for me. I don’t even CARE what career I have. I don’t even CARE if I ever play the piano again. I’ve already gotten into my talents. I’ve done that. I’m fulfilled. The only missing ingredient is a man, so that means I have to FAKE some excitement about this other stuff…

    Are you with me?

    I mean, it’s not such a big problem, but are there any ideas out there?



  110.  #110Lucy on April 25, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Mary, I feel the same way — like, give me the guy and then I’ll pick a life that fits with him and his situation. It’s not that I have no interests, hobbies, etc., it’s just that they don’t mean all that much to me and I’m not really driven by them. SO, I am focusing on very simple things that I enjoy doing and that keep me from attaching myself to the guy’s stories and lives — no direction, just wandering through my days doing whatever I feel like doing. (JRR Tolkien: “Not all those who wander are lost.” 🙂 ) Today I spent a lot of time researching a particular personality disorder that has been showing up in people I know and develop relationships with, so I feel curious and am learning tons about it. I am reading spiritual books and doing meditation, and — my favorite thing i’m doing for myself…. dance class! And walking 1 or 2 hours each day for health and weight loss. And decluttering the house — boxing up things for charity and for my sister’s kids.

    Just BEING.



  111.  #111mary on April 25, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Thank you, Lucy!

    I love this: “Not all those who wander are lost.”

    That gives me something for tonight.

    Really.

    I haven’t been on the dates yet, but I love the circular part! It is pretty fun to schedule them and have a busy calendar! I love that!

    And Lucy, if you’re researching narcissim, I have a very good website for you: just look up Sam Vaknin; you’ll find it. Good luck with that.



  112.  #112Rori Raye on April 25, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    sholynn, Welcome, and I’m so sorry – I know how painful is to be in this situation. The thing to do is get out there and Circular Date…and when and if you feel comfortable talking with him as a friend – that will be fine. Until then…just do the best you can. You’ve been so wonderfully honest and vulnerable – I KNOW you’re going to hit the jackpot in love soon – just, please, stay away as best you can from men who only want friendship. Love, Rori



  113.  #113Megan on April 25, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    i feel scared to admit this but i feel really, really sad.
    I feel childish and immature for not being able to just turn the other cheek but it gets to me.
    my ex STILL has not talked to me.
    I cant help but wonder if he ever will.
    will i just move away and that’s it??
    has this ever happened to anyone?
    one argument and it’s done, no more contact. at all.
    ever again. like it never even happened.
    granted we work together so it’s not like he never sees me.
    i feel childish saying this but i’m afraid of what the responses to this may be….

    i feel that it is just his pride. i know they say a guy’s pride is HUGE.
    they also say that if he wants to talk to you,he will. but what if he thinks you dont care, you’ve moved on- so what’s the point?
    I’ve experienced a lot of abandonment in my life.
    I’ve never understood just cutting people out of your life. I mean with girl friends and such.
    I’ve always struggled with this.
    to me the people in your life and the relationships you have with them are everything.
    in our last argument he yelled out “maybe we should just not talk!” and we haven’t.
    he is VERY stubborn.
    has he not reached out for fear of eating his own words?



  114.  #114mary on April 26, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Hello Megan,

    I don’t think you sound childish. It hurts like hell to be ignored. I also have had trouble cutting people out of my life, and I’ve had to! And… my life has been better because of it. I’m sorry you have to work with him, because if you didn’t, not talking to him would be easier and might actually have a healing effect. Any way to not see him at work?



  115.  #115Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:33 am

    okay so what happend… one of the men im dating… after sex he didnt call, i get a text two days later… saying whatsup sexy

    i felt mad like this weak ass text

    then the next day he STILL aint call me. he usually calls like everyday or every other

    im on another date later that niteand he calls then like 13 times in a row and texts do i want to see him

    i didnt answer, the next day hes like texting oh u dont even answer when i leave a mesage (did he leave a mesage? i didnt get one or didnt realize it was him)

    i still don tanswer

    today i get a text hey what u dont wanna talk to me no more

    then later tonite

    hey this my new number i miss u wish u wasnt ignoring me im gonna call u after work 🙂 (umm i been wanted him to work – really?? that felt good to hear i feel curious)

    i didnt get a chance to text he calls

    so i told him i feel mad he kina gets sarcastic

    like ok i wont call you when im by your house for no reason

    as in, that day he called 13 times ws cuz he showed up by my house

    like right now i feel guilty and at the same time, ummm,,, i was not available. i was out on a date. and wtf im not availalbe at all times u kno

    so now he says well if it was me i would come out the hosue if you was by my house and you called or else you would be mad…

    ummm i was by his house working the very next day. and not only that. i dont call him. i dont call men at all. and i dont call him when im going to work and being by his house.

    so i jsut repeated about how i dont want to be treated casually and i feel mad when its assumed im free.



  116.  #116Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:35 am

    so now he texts me.

    i feel unheard too and it seems like u was real mad at me so imma let it go as is

    ummmmm
    how do i feel?

    i feel worried and kina mad, and indifferent.

    i feel angry.

    i feel like ok whatever, let it go, whatever

    i love my feelings.

    ohhh i should mention when i did tell him about i dont like not hearing from him two days after sex he sayd

    o i get it baby i dont mean nothing by dat. it aint like dat. u know how much i like u?

    i feel comforted that his intentions are good but i dont like to feel bad.



  117.  #117Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:41 am

    yeah i was in the middle of texting that sentence and some and then it all got erased fuck it

    hehe



  118.  #118Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:44 am

    i feel guilty that i might hurt his feelings cuz im thinking and guessing that he doesnt realize taht all my time is not open for him. but i love my feelings and will do what feels best to me of course.

    i dont want to worry about his feelings. i think im getting that impression from him

    ack thinking. i feel kina bad thinking that i am expected to be exclusive and have all my time free for him without a convo about this and ummm without being married hehe



  119.  #119Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:45 am

    i feel scared that he will think im playing games and not a good woman and leave me if he found out i was dating other men.

    ouch. i feel scared to lose him.

    guess whos leanign back

    raises hand



  120.  #120Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:46 am

    so after all this time he finnally got another phone of his own and what was that job reference? yay id feel juiced for him to have a job. wait does he. he jus said some shit about goin to sleep.

    i dono. but i feel safe in me.



  121.  #121Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:51 am

    I had a cd today. i met this guy the first time. hes 20 but he says hes mature. he drove to see me. no problemo there.

    yay!

    then i said i was hungry and wanted something to eat like 3 times but he ditn offer to buy me anything. he said where do u wanna go get urself food, but i kinda flowingly let that go.

    we talked on the bench by the movies. he liked me lol. he said he ditn want to marry me, i said that felt bad, i mean i dont want to waste my time… hehe…

    he said wait u dont know if im not gonna change my mind in like 3 days or soemthing, but that wasnt my intentions meeting u…

    i said haha 3 days LOL. 3 days!!!!!!!!!

    no wonder rori said men change on a dime. apparently they think so too.

    so when he left, he called me. i told him i feel weird and i dont even know how to say this… but ..what was up with him not offering to buy me food? was he tryna be “funny” or he wasnt prepared or what

    he said he doesnt spend money he wanted to know me to see we can get there

    i said umm ok.. i like men that are generous and romantic and i understand maybe not having money sometimes but i expect a man to take me out to eat

    hehe

    eventually he said let him make up for it haha

    i loved how i said that and now i dont feel mad at him no more, i feel good, and he wants to see me Tomorrow, lol and i feel amused!! and good! hahaha



  122.  #122mary on April 26, 2010 at 1:52 am

    You feel safe in you?

    That’s cool. Not sure what it means. Do I feel safe in ME? I don’t know.

    It’s like you don’t want there to be anything at stake, but suddenly your heart jumps in, out of nowhere, and says, “He’s mine!” and it won’t let go for anything.



  123.  #123Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:54 am

    Hehe my heart doesn’t really do that too much anymore. Cuz my heart is loving me. So my heart says he’s mine when he treats me good. cuz my heart is IN LOVE with me.



  124.  #124mary on April 26, 2010 at 1:55 am

    Wow, you have courage to tell the guy you expected him to take you out to eat. I’m not sure I’d say that, but I’d think it. Who pays for what is a problem for me, and I know it’s BASIC. Really BASIC. It is just a problem.



  125.  #125Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:55 am

    I find that when i feel upset, just cryng rite there , BAWLING it all out, feels it good, and clears out my energy later. i did it today in teh shower when arguing with my parents, and a lil in the car when i got the sarcastic text from security



  126.  #126mary on April 26, 2010 at 1:56 am

    Like the guy on the next island over who doesn’t have any. Not sure how we can get together, because he’s a ferry away.



  127.  #127mary on April 26, 2010 at 1:57 am

    yes, crying does that for me, too… but it doesn’t happen very often.



  128.  #128Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:59 am

    Yeah Mary – I felt courageous, but it was making me feel tense judgemental and angry and ruining my relationship with him to hold it in.

    I actually said it AFTER we parted ways.

    After that, I will now say it before I part ways with a man. Babysteps.

    Experimenting around my boundary



  129.  #129Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:00 am

    I feel really excited how I said I expect a man to be generous and romantic when I’m with him! YEEEEEE



  130.  #130mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:01 am

    You had a good result! Amazing!

    I guess I’m gonna be experimenting too.

    This guy emailed tonight and he’s in Seattle. He wants to come over to see me. I know he wants sex, and it’s gonna be a NO from me. So I’m already feeling his disappointment, but I’m learning to just react to things at face value. Not read anything into it.



  131.  #131Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:02 am

    oh…. y eee reminded me of security and i feel sad thinking of him…

    i feel sad thinking he doesnt have a car to come see me often

    i release his energy to allow him to have what it takes to make me feel good

    thank u

    all that freakin leaning forward and going to see him got me spending more time with him as if he had made it happen and thus i am more attached than the relationship can hold rite now = pressure

    lean back lean back lean back

    yay

    it feels easier now

    i dont want to lose him. and i dont want to tolerate being treated carelessly. thank u



  132.  #132mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:03 am

    yes!

    I want to tell Island Man something like that. I haven’t figured out the exact words. Like… I don’t care if he spends money on me. I just care that he is in charge of the ideas, you know? Like go through McDonalds and then have a picnic on the beach, or something. Whatever. As long as it’s his idea. Here’s what I did offer – he was talking about hearing a “frog chorus” from the lake that’s near him, and I said I’d like to hear that sometime “if he can arrange it.” Oooooh, that sounds romantic to me.



  133.  #133Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:04 am

    i feel afraid he’s too feminine man. hes too into his feelings, and acts semi sarcastic when his feelings are hurt. and i can continue to treat him like a masculine man. even tho i have fears.

    i feel fear of hurting him, which really means i feel fear he will get angry at me and LEAVE ME

    well if he leaves me fuck him
    !

    pre fuck him if you pre leave me!!! GGRRRR

    i feel furious at feeling the fears

    im all good

    i love my fears



  134.  #134mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:05 am

    do guys ever call you selfish for being self focused and caring for yourself?



  135.  #135Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:08 am

    oooh mary how cute!!! afrog chorus!!

    today a guy took me and my godbrother who was hanging out with me on a dock all the way over the bay,,, and we sat swinging our feet.

    the guy kept trying to one up my godbrother tho, and then when we couldnt all really decide what to do (they were in my car)

    and i said ill just drop you guys off, he acted all weird that i didnt want to play pool – i told him several times i had plans, but could push them back, but then decided to drop them off – i had just met him that day a few hours before

    so hes like ok let me out right here
    which was all far from where he was, he wanted to instantly get out. i felt pist and sooo turned off

    my brother is like… he liked you and u dissed him that youre gonna kick it with another guy…

    well… i didnt say i was gonna kick it with another guy, but anywya, yeah i am, and i didnt intend to diss him, and therefore i dont want to feel bad

    rrrr
    i felt turned off



  136.  #136Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:09 am

    mary – haha! yeah icky feeling guys have called me that.

    most guys tho say stuff like: i respect that you have standards.



  137.  #137mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:10 am

    yeah, he just got out to make a point. he’ll be calling you soon.



  138.  #138Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:10 am

    then they say stuff like: i need a woman like that. have you thought about us? when can i see you again? hehe… im really feeling u



  139.  #139mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:10 am

    yes, i’m gonna have standards, too. and boundaries.



  140.  #140mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:10 am

    wow.

    this is my week! i’m getting started NOW!



  141.  #141Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:11 am

    yeah well the point he made is I dont feel safe around him…

    i even told my brother…. look. stuff like that. guys who do that, they hit women and shit. they cant manage their feelings when they dont get their way. that shit isnt even cool. he should be tryna impress me, he had a chance to date me I LIKED him. but now guess what. i dont like him anymore.



  142.  #142mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:11 am

    i’m afraid i’ll cave in and become the old mary that isn’t so siren-like…



  143.  #143mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:12 am

    wow. cool. that’s choosing. i need to be more choosy, too.

    it seems like you have endless guys asking you out…



  144.  #144mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:13 am

    where do you meet them? facebook?



  145.  #145mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:16 am

    or everywhere?

    i’m trying to diversify. online. clubs. asking friends. professional services. just dressing up every single time i leave my house. smiling. saying hi. eye contact. everything!

    it’s working.



  146.  #146mary on April 26, 2010 at 2:17 am

    okay! g’nite!

    i’m getting on the ferry at 9 in the morning – long line-up before that…

    talk to ya later.



  147.  #147Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:19 am

    hehe. Mary of course its working! haha!!! i feel amused and laughing rite now!

    i meet them randomly when im out, and also online, i have a profile chock full of sexy photos of myself.



  148.  #148Daria on April 26, 2010 at 2:26 am

    oooh im feelin so excite baybay

    i love when security tells me how much he likes me cuz he does it often and i always FEEL it and i feel wanted and loved.

    sometimes i feel scared too tho because i get that feeling that he would leave me because he would think that i dont care about him if i date other men

    and i love myself anyway. if he leaves me ok. i’ve told him the truth about how i feel the whole way. so taht would just be him as a man deciding. because he can do what he do to marry me if he want me that way

    yay!!!

    yay mee!! its my birthday1! pheonix flower



  149.  #149Daria on April 26, 2010 at 3:08 am

    i love myself and i want to be truly healthy.

    this herb formula was really helping me but then it started hurting my kidney. while it really helped my bladder. grrr.

    i want to feel completely healthy, so that i dont get symptoms of feeling sick by touching myself or having sex, or feel so irritated. grrr

    i want to feel healthy. i want to have evenly density healthy light yellow pee!

    dammit

    i feel terrified of not ever feeling better and dying

    ufff

    im gonna go on an exclusive cranberry drink diet for a few days and see how that goes

    also i would like not to be pregnant. cuz i surely dont seem to be geting my period no matter how much parsely water i drink. in fact its like the antithesis of period feeling lol. my stomach feels tight and taught. only that i used copious neem oil is what makes me feel somewhat secure

    i cant wait to get that period boy oh boy

    gonna jump back on with condoms then till my periods are securely regular

    but i did make 5 in a row i think! yay! personal record



  150.  #150Daria on April 26, 2010 at 3:11 am

    this mite be a good time to schedule an appointment with that naturopathic doctor i found who won naturopathic doctor of the year.

    maybe she can give me an effective herb formula that doesnt hurt my kidneys

    it was only hurting my right kidney

    and i want lots of energy medicine with that too, so that these organs can be strong

    be strong for me

    im fuckin walkin the labyrinth of healing whether i want it or not

    i feel like dance with cancer

    i love my feelings

    Dude.

    tap tap tap



  151.  #151Daria on April 26, 2010 at 3:13 am

    i feel rageful!! i feel powerless and desperate

    whats that voice?

    i can schedule another healing session with that backfixbodywork guy?

    and release these energies out my body cuz clearly they are repetitve beliefs ingrained in my body that are finding ways to play out unless i releease them?

    even tho the release forms feels scary as hell and intense?

    hmmm

    thanks



  152.  #152Gee on April 26, 2010 at 3:19 am

    Hi Rori

    I have known a guy for 4 months from dating site. I have been practice yoru ebook, Moden Siren, and Reconnect now and then about 2 months ago. I am stilll learning at the moment.

    We see each other most of the weekend and one or twice during the week. He is very social butter fly. They are men and women. He has a married female friend knowing for more than 20 years. The married female friend lives in other city but often come to here as this female freind original lived here and her original family is here. Once the female friend comes, he goes for dinner and movie with her. They go for walking every morning when she is here. But he says they just friends. He admit that he is in relationship with me but he says he only likes me and do not loves me. I can feel he does not love me. He makes plans seeing me but does not call me between. I have learnt your lean back, not planning, not asking how he is, etc. When he does not make plan early enough, I say I am prearranged. He does not seem feel anything. He just makes plan with other people. I feel really hurt for this. I told him that I felt disconnected when he did not plan things with me. We had some discussion about this last Friday and he walked away in the half way suddendly. He came back today said he wanted to cook for me tonight. Instead of accepting the offer, I told him today that I only needed a man who loves me, who affectional, attentive to me, who cherries me and my feeling. He still does not stand into the plate. He walked away. I think he is not the man I deserve.

    Rori, I need your confirmation that I have done a right thing? I am feeling hurt even I know he is not right person. Rori, I need you make me strong.

    Thank you, G



  153.  #153mary on April 26, 2010 at 7:14 am

    hey daria, i’m feeling your angst all the way up here. it feels like fear without any covering. i will be praying for you. love, mary



  154.  #154TW on April 26, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Hello ladies-

    You all have said so much already. It is going to take me a minute to read and play catch up. Anyway, my weekend was really nice. No work from my ex though in days which is not normal but whatever. Since I asked for the break I think he is thrown off. After our conversation where I said everything in feeling messages. Nothing has really changed but it was only about a week ago that I did that but whatever. This is what I am feeling today:

    I feel disconnected and confused. I want my man to move me as much as I love him and show me that he does every day. I want stability. I want courted and shown a good time. I want to wake up in the morning next to the man that was made just for me. I feel as though I want to work things out but I alse feel the need to just walk away. I do not want to feel like I am the only one that wants this relationship. I hear beautiful words and feel tender kisses but then the space is filled with silence and distance. Does this even made sense to want to stay and go all at the same time? I feel like pulling my hair out and just starting all over but how can I start all over with so much love and emotion in my heart.

    I was reading my horoscope in a magazine and it said that I should rethink a break up. I initiated the “break” that we are taking but what am I to do. What if he is expecting me to call him or to say to him that I want to get back together. This man told me that I was the one but is no longer showing me. I feel so tired and discontent. Ladies, what do you suggest?



  155.  #155TW on April 26, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Daria-

    How are you? I was just checking on you because the other day we had a pretty in depth conversation abut pregancy and stuff and I was worried about you… Love you girl



  156.  #156Simply Shannon on April 26, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Subscribing for now



  157.  #157TW on April 26, 2010 at 7:27 am

    Simply Shannon-

    How are you doing today? I hope you are okay. I have just logged online because I was so busy this weekend and I was like whoa.. So many post so little time but I am trying to play catch up.



  158.  #158Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Daria, I toast to you and your Toastmaster’s non-speech!

    I have found that people who themselves are not comfortable embracing their feelings…ie, their little girl or little boy inside…are often uncomfortable with us embracing OUR little girls! So poo on that person who said you sounded like a little girl!

    Congratulations to little girl Daria who bared her beautiful heart! I have read enough of your posts to know you are in touch with your feelings in a BEAUTIFUL way! I feel your swaying, blended moods, and I so relate! I admire you how you can bare your heart to us here, and I love your feelings!

    Here is a poem I wrote in 1990. I shared it with a group of women when I first wrote it. It was still near and dear to my heart, emoting tears as I read it. Afterwards, a not-in-touch-with-her-girl-energy woman said to me, looking down her nose, “You should keep those kinds of feelings to yourself.” I felt the sting of that comment for weeks. But I’ve moved past that and seen it for what it really is. I wrote about unconditional, unfailing, self-dying love. So here I am, 20 years later, still sharing my heart-poem:

    Go Ahead, Break My Heart

    Step into my heart, see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved; what more can I say?

    I open up my heart; you hand it back in pieces
    This pain never ends; this heartache never ceases
    I slam shut the drawbridge; snatch back the key
    The trust I offered you again will never be

    I will build a wall and say forget it all

    Inside the wall of me, I am safe and secure
    You cannot reach me here; I am hidden and obscure
    I’m a self-sustaining castle; unreachable by pain
    Loneliness is my only companion; fear is my only gain

    Better to love and lose again, you see
    Than to suffer alone endlessly
    When you give away something as precious as love
    It’s never for nothing in the eyes from above

    The best things in life are free, but they cost a lot
    Things like wisdom and love can’t be bought
    Opposites go in pairs, wisdom and mistakes
    Can’t have one without the other, love and heartaches

    To say love is bliss is to say humans are flawless
    Next time I open up my heart, I’ll still be reckless and lawless
    I will pour out my love with the carefree ardor
    Of a waterfall smashing down on the rocks, like a martyr

    Step into my heart, see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved; what more can I say?

    Huggies,
    Brenda



  159.  #159Spider on April 26, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Can someone help me figure out what Rori program to buy? I have Toxic Men. I found out my ex was in the “difficult” category — very very difficult. His Toxic score was 44 (30 is the highest on the graph). I’ve decided to move on, because he has. And because with as many troubles as he had, he’d have to seek professional help to stop being so aggressive, and verbally abusive.

    The reason I stuck with him for so long is that his loving score was also very, very high, and I have never had that before.

    What usually happens is that I’ll date a guy for awhile, but he won’t commit. And I figure that means I’m unworthy, and I don’t press the issue, I withdraw. And if he chases me, I tell him to go the hell away! I absolutely hate the idea of a man using me or playing games.

    The one time I told a man what I wanted from our relationships (he had asked), he totally rejected me. So I stayed away from him, no contact whatsoever, then two weeks later he contacted me. I told him to go away. I hated him for a long time, for setting me up to embarrass myself like that.

    So yes, when I hear Rori speak of “leaning back” I can see how it works, but really, do you want someone who runs when you lean forward — when he ASKS you to lean forward? It seems really disturbing to me. Like I’m not allowed to be a human being with emotions and desires.

    I don’t know — Targeting Mr. Right? Commitment Blueprint? Modern Siren? (Honestly, men are very attracted to me, and often open up to me, and tell me how easy I am to talk to and share with, but they don’t want to hear a thing about me and my feelings!)



  160.  #160Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 9:33 am

    I read Rori’s response to this string and knew, oncest again, that I made a lot of mistakes with Ryan, as I described a little while ago in the Whip It string. Yet I feel the complexities of a relationship that has so many more facets than “He treated me badly.” Yes, he did. But can he change? Most would say no…but I believe in fairy tales still. I believe that if you kiss an ugly, warted frog, he still CAN turn into a gorgeous prince. I may be wrong, but the little girl in me stubbornly chooses to continue to believe in fairy tales and miracles.

    Love,
    Brenda



  161.  #161Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Hi Spider! My favorites (so far!) are Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren. I highly recommend them both, and I can’t recommend one above the other. I have listened to each about three times! I am going to listen to them again!

    I believe in giving men second chances. My counselor said to tell Ryan, “I will see you again, but I want you to know I expect things to be different this time. I need for you to…. and ….. I don’t want to ….. again.” Inotherwords, to set boundaries. Rori says use “I want…”; “I don’t like…” You could also word it, “I want to be with a man who….”

    Brenda



  162.  #162Spider on April 26, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Thanks, Brenda. I’ll look into those!

    I set boundaries with my ex many times — it infuriated him. I broke up with him half a dozen times, and he’d come back with promises. Then he’d want me to sleep with him RIGHT THEN and he’d consider us back together. Then he’d break the promises. Finally, I said I needed to see change FIRST, then I’d get back together with him. He told me it had always been my fault, that I was always pushing him around and setting bizarre rules and it wasn’t fair, and he left me.



  163.  #163Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Hi Spider, Ouch! Sadly, you are better off without him. I have a similar trouble with MY ex, Kenny. He is totally in love with me, yet he is blind as to why I divorced him and why I don’t want to remarry him.

    I am learning with Ryan, as soon as he breaks one of my boundaries, I step back, and that means walking out if he hurts me. Then time creates good space. I believe Ryan WANTS to treat me right, and so I am giving him grace for his shortcomings…I know he was traumatically hurt by a woman at age 15. He wants a princess, but he tends to treat women really bad in his huge defenses to keep safe.

    Stick with healthy boundaries, even if it means losing a man. A GOOD man will respect your boundaries. Healthy boundaries are walls with doors. Not walls, more walls, and smokescreen lies for gaps in the walls. Let him in, but only on YOUR terms. Baby steps…I’m still learning, that’s for sure.



  164.  #164Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Post #28: Hi J-Rock…you said:

    “I want a man who will walk away from millions to be with me. I want a man who will crawl through cut glass to lay at my feet.”

    Love it!



  165.  #165TW on April 26, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Hi Brenda-

    I am a firm believer in second chances as well but I do not get the whole leaning back thing totally. I know that it is good to lean back and allow someone to come to you but if it is in your heart to contact them then should you… I mean it is about about doing what you feel and setting boundaries for yourself. I feel confused as to what to do about my ex. I initiated the whole “take a break” thing but I would like to give our relationship another try at this point. BUT who should make the first move, me or him. If he told me that he wanted to take a break then I would say that he should be the one to say when he feels that we should get back together or if we should just break up but since the shoe is on the other foot…MINE… Should I lean back or should I contact him and say what I want from him. That is what is confusing me with now. Maybe you can help.



  166.  #166Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 10:51 am

    #66: Hi Lucy,

    He said, “Would you be available and interested in meeting me tonight in [his town] for dinner and drinks?
    I’m headed to the shower so if you could text me that would be great [his phone no.]”

    Here’s how I would have responded (BY EMAIL, NOT PHONE, cuz I wouldn’t want him to have my number yet), based on what I learned from Commitment Blueprint:

    It would feel so good to meet you, but I’m booked until (two days from now).

    Depending on how he responded, I’d say, “I feel uncomfortable when I feel pressure to meet you tonight, like don’t I have a say in when we meet?”

    I’ve done internet dating off and on for 11 yrs. I find that most men can me before they even meet me. I think in general people are too quick to cancel others out. I have my 3-date rule. Of course if he sounds scary or just too weird, I won’t meet or will only have one date.

    Sounds like he was insecure. I’d have given him a chance, but told how I feel.



  167.  #167Megan on April 26, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Mary,

    there isn’t really a way for me to not see him (or HEAR him carry on) except to only go back in the kitchen when I need to, which is kind of…often, lol.
    I can’t honestly say that I would be happy if I never saw him though.
    sometimes I feel that way, but for some reason, not right now.
    I graduate from college in 2 weeks and he has asked off for it. he has no friends/family members graduating. then one of his buddies who also works with us has asked me not only what day I am graduating but what time. ( they have am and pm ceremonies) I asked “why?” and he said “just wondering”.
    things like this that tug at my heartstrings and set my imagination going…

    btw Brenda,
    I liked the line in your poem about opposites coming in pairs.



  168.  #168Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Hi TW! Thanks for writing me! Here is my experience I draw on sooo often:

    My all-time favorite music artist is Larry Norman. He was 17 yrs older than me, but I had a MAJOR crush on him after listening to him from age 9 (I’m now 46). He talked with me for two hours after a concert in 1995, and I sensed his attraction to me. I am a late-blooming wall flower, so I had NO IDEA how to handle his attraction. My heart was pounding and it wanted to scream, “Marry me! I’d marry you in a heartbeat!” But I felt intimidated and unsure of myself, so I held back. He encouraged me to write him and told me how to do so in a way that my letters would go straight to him unopened. But time passed, and I didn’t hear back from him. He emailed me back and forth a few times about a year later, and I said hi to him after a concert 5 years later. But my crowning moment had passed, and it wasn’t the same.

    After that? My M.O. has been TAKE A RISK! What if this man IS your Soul Mate? If he IS, will it matter 20 years from now that you contacted him when it should have been his turn? Hell no!

    If I had it to do over again, I would have looked Larry deep in his blue eyes and said, “Larry, I’ve been in love with you since I was a child!” LOL! He passed away 2 years ago, and after he passed, I heard one of his newer songs I had never heard before. Some of the words said, “Yours is the heart that I could never find, because I was so blind.” I will always believe he wrote that song to me.

    TW, if you choose to recontact him, rather than plunge right into your deepest feelings and discussing the relationship, I would just casually call and say, “Hi, how are you doing?” Let him respond, then say something like, “I was just thinking about you, and I wondered what you’re up to?” Let him respond. If he’s still interested also, he could easily step up to the plate at this juncture and ask you out with no pressure or threat.

    Huggies,
    Bren



  169.  #169Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Oh WOW got a lot of posts to read! Feeling overwhelmed….



  170.  #170TW on April 26, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Apple Jacks-

    Do not feel bad… I do too… I have been trying to catch up all morning but I am just reading away and not really responding because that is too much… LOL.. I am at work so I guess they would like for me to do something while I am here.



  171.  #171Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 11:33 am

    TW – lol, thanks. 🙂



  172.  #172TW on April 26, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Brenda-

    That is the thing… We always get all gushy and sexual with each other and he normally keeps contact but just enough to keep himself on my mind but I do not want to play the song and dance anymore. His birthday is coming up and I had something planned for him but I am unsure if I should say something to him about it you know. He says that he is not seeing anyone else and I hope that is true but you never know. He said that he tells me all the time that he is not with anyone else and that I do not believe him which is true to a certain extent but his actions make me feel that way. I feel as though he is just hanging on to me… Not loving me in the way he once did you know… I want that love back. When we fell apart it went from great to almost non existent and stayed there. I am unsure as to what to do.



  173.  #173sia on April 26, 2010 at 11:44 am

    brenda, loved your poem!
    it reads like a song text to me, as if I could almost hear its melody.

    Daria, update on a lamp: I borrowed it from my friend, who got it long time ago and is not inspired to use it (feels good now), just a coincidence she heard me talking about it.
    It works! i have repetitive strain injury in my thumb/wrist, it can go away for a long time, now it just vanished.
    Another info I got: a friend of my parents cured haemorroids with it, they just shrunk back into his body. (So it seems it is not just joints it can heal but soft tissue as well. And the radiation goes deep into the flesh, not like normal heat).I too am prone to this condition 🙁 so will get the lamp.

    But she has one of dozens available types and I am not sure which technical specification to get, so if any of the sirens know which infrared lamp is best, please advise.

    Daria, also, I was told geminis never really grow up, and I felt honoured!! (probably got it told in a different context than you, positive). To me that meant being youthful, playful and wonderfully silly whenever fancy takes me still in my eighties:)



  174.  #174Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 11:46 am

    #89: Hi Sienna!

    You said, “I don’t want to be a great conversationalist! I want to feel adored!”

    Maybe your good date DID adore you but didn’t know how to or didn’t feel safe giving a feeling message! “That was a great convo!” is a thinking message, a boy message. So who knows what he felt under that? Men don’t often show their feelings until they’re more invested in a relationship.

    As for what creates the sparks and the feelings, I liked Rori’s tool best (I think it’s in Modern Siren) where she says draw in your breath thru your relaxed Yoni; feel it move up all through your body; and as you exhale, feel shimmering femininity flowing down over your breasts and all down your body. Men will sense this as they stand near you. I REALLY like it, and I use it often. It feels so sensual, giving myself a breathing bath of femininity any old time I feel like it, anywhere! No one knows! Yet breath is so vital, because breath is life! So I am breathing life in and out through my Yoni, the core of my womanness, and it feels open. Open feels sooo vulnerable. And vulnerable feels so core, naked me! I flow with my environment…

    I was using her tools once envisioning myself as a mermaid, something I’ve always done, since I’m an avid swimmer. Ryan asked me, “What are you thinking about?” Instead of saying, “I’m feeling so nervous about what to say, etc,”, I was able to say HONESTLY, “I’m thinking about mermaids!” Giggles!

    Bren



  175.  #175Siena on April 26, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Hi Bren,

    Thanks for your post. I wrote that last post when I was feeling not good. Today I feel better, and I can see that being a good conversationalist is actually a good thing. I was feeling an old trigger.

    CD last night actually had a couple of really good lessons for me.

    One was about control -something that I’ve been exploring recently. (Like really recently as in that afternoon I was working through some of my control issues.) And he brought up the reason for his divorce, which was that she became anxious and controlling in her anxiety. He was telling me the story of how it felt as a man to be with a controlling woman. HUGE LESSON for me! I feel so grateful that he was there with that message.

    The second lesson was about being a good conversationalist. It’s a good thing. I thought for a while that it was a masculine energy thing, but now I don’t feel that way.

    So anyway, I feel good learning and growing!



  176.  #176TW on April 26, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Siena-

    What’s up my friend? I am going to try that trick you taught me today about just letting my emotions out without thinking about them… Here we go:

    I feel confused and uneasy. I feel out of sorts because I want to work on my relationship but I also feel the need to walk away. I want to feel love and not just hear about it. I want to feel my body get weak again in your presence. I want to be taken in ways that only my heart can explain. I feel empty….



  177.  #177Daria on April 26, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Hi TW – I’m feeling pretty good today.

    I stepped back from my man and then he called me, then he was giving me attitude, so i stepped back some more, then he was texting me 143 so i felt good and told him i miss him. hehe.

    He mentioned something about work so I’m wondering if he got a job. He def got a phone now since he had lost his other one 2 weeks ago.

    i also went on a couple of other dates and got some new men so i feel excited. yay!



  178.  #178TW on April 26, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Daria-

    That is awesome… Look over what I just wrote. This is how I am feeling today

    Today, I feel empty. I feel like working things out and then I feel like walking away. I do not feel sadness or despair. I have embraced the most beautiful part of me, my heart and that has allowed my face to light up with a love that no one other than myself will ever know. I am full of love and life and laughter. I am a good mother, friend, confidant, woman of God, and will soon be a good wife to a man that has the chance to taste the sweet nectar of my soul. I feel open and free today and I know that I am beautiful and kind and ready and willing to be loved. I have let my past escape my very being and opened up a space that can only be filled by the family that I build within. I am ready to truly love and be loved in return by my man that not only sees my exterior beauty but realizes the beauty within and can feel my love and experience it on all levels. He feeds my soul with beautiful words and actions that remind me daily that I am the one and that his soul have met and intertwined with mine as God placed Adam with Eve. I want to be his rib and allow him to lead and guide me through this thing called life. I want love….



  179.  #179Siena on April 26, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Hi Tee-Dub!

    What I didn’t hear you express, but what is between the lines is “I feel longing”. True?

    Me too. I feel longing and I feel frustrated and am missing The Man. I see so clearly how I over functioned and short circuited the attraction. I mean it’s CLEAR AS THE NOSE ON MY FACE clear. Knowing now what I didn’t know then makes me feel really desperate in a sense. I don’t like that feeling at all. A Diva doesn’t feel desperate.

    I don’t want to feel stuck on a man. But I feel like I had happiness RIGHT THERE in front of me – my happily ever after was RIGHT THERE. And I feel angry at myself because I screwed it up. But I also feel forgiving of myself because I didn’t know.

    I feel hopeful. If it’s meant to be, he will come back around and I will finally be able to receive…something that he tried again and again to get me to do. I feel grateful for the CD men who are teaching me these lessons. Showing me that I can say things that felt outrageous before. Reminding me how good it feels to lean back and receive.

    And I feel really grateful for Rori and Siren Island. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t discover this place!

    I feel frustrated giving up control. I would love to control this situation, but I can’t. It’s a good thing though. One of the strengths of The Man is that he will not be controlled. Probably why I am so attracted to him. Other men I can manipulate (tee-hee-hee). Not this guy. I feel safe when I’m unable to manipulate. But that’s an old feeling. New Siena doesn’t have to manipulate. She can just express her feelings and let the chips fall where they may.

    Damn! I feel frustrated. I encountered a really good man, and I just wasn’t ready for him!!! Damn damn damn!

    Thank you God for second chances. I intend for The Man to come back around. If it can’t be The Man M, it can be a ‘new’ The Man. Thank you!



  180.  #180Rori Raye on April 26, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Gee – Welcome – and BRAVA!!! You have TOTALLY done the right thing – this says it all: “I only needed a man who loves me.” Bottom line – when a man SAYS he “doesn’t love you” – believe him, and treat him accordingly. I’d simply show him the door. You’re doing great – now get out there and Circular Date. If you keep this attitude, you’ll meet a man who loves you very soon! Love, Rori



  181.  #181TW on April 26, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Siena-

    I am just like you in the fact that I feel a loss of control which makes me feel uneasy. I do believe in second chances because sometimes you just need a chance to get it right. I just post #177 to Daria but I want you to take a gander at what I wrote and tell me what you think.



  182.  #182TW on April 26, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Siena-

    Daria’s post was 177 mine is 178.. Sorry…



  183.  #183Siena on April 26, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    TW, that feels beautiful to me! The moment you say, “I want love”, all you have to do is receive it, because it is given to you. Love is the most abundant thing in the Universe, and God is Love, so it’s yours for the taking.

    You sound great and strong!

    And here’s to second chances! Believing that they are possible makes me feel bubbly – like champagne! I feel champagney! (Haha, Daria, THAT’S a feeling you haven’t written yet!) I feel silly coming up with a new feeling word. Oh well – I feel intrigued that my feelings about a subject can change so quickly. Note to self: hope is extremely important. Believe it and you will see it!



  184.  #184TW on April 26, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Siena-

    Exactly.. There is no need in moping. Positive energy brings positive things. I want to say these things to him but now sure how…



  185.  #185Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    TW, wait until he approaches you, and then feel your way through the conversation. That’s where the “giving up control” comes in. You can’t control “when” you’ll say these things to you. He has to approach you… and then… let ‘er rip!!!



  186.  #186TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Siena-

    That could be a difficult one because I have not had contact with him since last Wednesday I think. No text or phone calls. He is on night shift but it is odd for him not to make contact though but he will soon. I know deep down inside he will even if it is another week… My other ex is coming over tonight… He can keep me company



  187.  #187Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    I meant to say, “you can’t control when you’ll say these things to HIM” instead. But you know what? After reading that, my mistake was actually kind of deep. Because feeling messages are not for him anyway. Not to control what he does or how he treats me. So it really is saying these things to myself. To express myself so that myself can grow stronger… hmm… that feels intriguing!



  188.  #188TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Siena-

    That is so true. It is hard for me to give up control but it is okay you know.. Sometimes you just have to let go… Daria would be on team text him now… I love how bold she is and I so with I could be that way all the time like she is… She says what she feels when she feels it. No questions asked and that is the way that I want to be. What I love about you is that you have a softness and a willingness to open and learn and change.. It is beautiful to watch your process. Soon we will be speaking in feeling msgs with rings on our fingers.



  189.  #189Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    “What I love about you is that you have a softness and a willingness to open and learn and change.. It is beautiful to watch your process. Soon we will be speaking in feeling msgs with rings on our fingers.”

    Wow, thank you TW! It feels so good to receive that message! Now I feel even MORE champagney – LOL! Thank you!



  190.  #190Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Hi TW…I am wondering…how long has it been since you contacted your man? Depending on that answer, maybe your solution for now is to let time put space between you. One sure way to make or break a relationship is the passage of time. Time gives us time to change, reflect, feel…gives your man the same gifts, too! If you distance yourself for a time…only you know how long, but maybe a month as a start…you will both grow into a deeper knowing if this is the lifemate for you each. And it’s long term leaning back, allowing the man to take the oars; get back in the bubble; climb back on your bridge, or any of the other wonderful word-pictures Rori gives us to visualize.

    Is your relationship a ball and chain right now? Drop it! Plunk! Let to drop and roll across the floor, out of your control. Just be TW…receive love…first from yourself, and then from your man, if he comes back in your direction.

    Me? My question when I TRYYYY to let go like that and create distance is how on earth do I manage my powerful emotions? I tried Rori’s “Like List”, 100 things to do that I like at the times when I am tempted to over-function by contacting Ryan. Oh well, at least I lasted 10 days this time before I caved.

    Does anyone have suggestions how to manage my powerful love and longing feelings to keep me from my Ryan-drug? Here, this website! Writing my new siren friends! That may be my solution! I’ll put that as a new #1 do thing on my Like List! Cuz I feel all champagney when I write you guys and read your wonderful words! Yep, Sienna, I love your new feeling word!

    And guess what? I just shimmered the whole hour I just spent with Bill in a job meeting over our documents! I just felt at ease and relaxed, grinning, instead of over-functioning! We were talking about thinky work stuff while I just kept bringing up shimmering breaths of womanness from my Yoni and letting it spill all down my breasts! And he never knew it! But I felt much better than the other times we met for coffee. Happy Bren!



  191.  #191TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Brenda..

    It was just last week I think. Only a week has passed on no contact and seeing each other. He works shifts and last week he was on nights. That is not an excuse by any means of not contacting someone but you get what I saying. I am glad you felt at ease today!!!



  192.  #192TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Siena-

    You are welcome.. You remember the day you sent me that message and told me to not think and just feel and the wonderful message that came out of it. That is the softness that I am speaking of because you are the only person that has gotten that out of me. Love you!!!



  193.  #193Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    I love you too TW!! It feels so good to hear that I come across as ‘soft’, because I’ve been told that I am ‘hard’ before. And I hated being told that! I want so much to switch my energy from a leaning forward, getting it done woman to a soft, feminine and strong, leaning back Siren. I am most attracted to really masculine men, and want to be able to magnetize them. So it feels really good to know that I come across as soft!

    Oh… wait… my ring finger on my left hand is starting to feel a little heavy… like it has a BIG OL’ DIAMOND on it! LOL!



  194.  #194Brenda on April 26, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    TW, yeah, I saw that last Wednesday in your post to Siena. Only you know the fine nuances of your relationship. I myself have the hardest time NOT contacting my Ry Guy. Yet I think about it at times when I am not feeling all kinds of desperate and needy and I ask myself, what serves the RELATIONSHIP best? Contacting him just cuz you feel like it and think he should have contacted you by now? Or leaning back; staying on my bridge; and focusing on MY life; focusing on me loving ME? At those moments, the answer is obvious. But I am packing an unusual amount of loneliness from an entire lifetime of unusual isolation. And at times it sucks me in like a blackhole. I seriously struggle with loneliness, and it is my greatest pain. Like that song says, “Better to hurt than feel nothing at all.” 🙁 And that’s when my longing gets the better of my and I contact Ry Guy. I love the hell out of him, and I do mean hell! LOL!

    Anyway, back to how to handle the relationship. The healthiest thing is to give it the test and distance of time (do as I say, not as I do!). Another speaker on Rori’s program simply said, “If he WANTED to be with me, he would BE with me! And if he doesn’t want to be with me, why would I want to be with him?” That helps me.

    And it helps to finally be able to talk about it with you wonderful creatures who are going thru comparable questions and longings! I feel connected with you, and that helps me feel connected with me!



  195.  #195TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Siena-

    Claim it girl… It is yours.. I want a 2 carat one. I already have one in mind. I am so ready for the ultimate commitment… YAY!!!!



  196.  #196Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Bren,

    “And it helps to finally be able to talk about it with you wonderful creatures who are going thru comparable questions and longings! I feel connected with you, and that helps me feel connected with me!”

    YES YES YES!!!!!! And it will in turn make a good man feel connected with us too!!!!



  197.  #197TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Brenda-

    I really like what you said. It is so hard for me to lean back but when I leaned back the last time and stopped contacting him and did not hear from him for weeks he called me again. We were okay for a while and then all of my nagging and insecurities came back and it was all weird and stuff and then when I saw him last week and he came over I was like whoa… The communication for me was different I was able to speak in feeling messages and we made love like never before and then we talked the next day and nothing since. I called and left him a msg and he jsut never called back so I was like okay. We will both help each other with the no contact thing. We have this blog to keep us entertained.



  198.  #198Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I mentioned in another post that I have a friend who is like 23. At work, he became very attracted to me and when I did not reciprocate he created a lot of drama and said he was never “rejected” before.

    He just sent me a text talking about how another girl really likes him right now but he cannot like her because even though she turned her life around and joined his church, “she has a past” and he wants a virgin, even though he is far from being one. Then as a joke he says to me, “you missed out sweetie” wink.

    I feel like busting his balls….



  199.  #199Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    AJ! He sounds like Pinky Peni!! That is EXACTLY the type of message I would receive from him. I didn’t need that type of energy in my life. I’ll wait for a REAL man thank you very much!!



  200.  #200Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Correction: I feel like busting his PEA sized balls….

    Siena – OMG I was just thinking of Peni! I couldn’t remember exactly if it was you who said it, lol. I was just going to post that question if that was you!



  201.  #201Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    TW – Daria is NOT on team text him now. Daria is on team do not respond to all his texts. Daria is on team Circular Date (which having your other ex over counts) and let him come to you



  202.  #202Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    LOL! Girly men need not apply. NEXT!!!



  203.  #203Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Siena, my internal nickname for him was always “girly man.” GAH, ICK. I feel so ICKY at the things he says sometimes. I’m learning he’s a major trigger.



  204.  #204TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Daria-

    I feel ya.. My other ex is coming over just to watch TV and stuff. Nothing more. He wants sex and stuff but I am soooo not in that place with him right now. I jsut want the company and stuff…



  205.  #205Daria on April 26, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    My man texted me, called me 13 times in a row, left me more texts about how im ignoring him. then two days later another text about how he misses me and wishes i wasnt ignoring him.

    well i didnt even text him back then … tho i was going to…

    he called and i took the call.

    this is what i was referring to when i said stepping back stepping back

    when he did call, i felt attacked and blamed, so i said oh.. this feels bad. this conversation isn’t feeling good to me so i’m going to go now.

    and i hung up.

    and i cried a lil bit.

    well he texted me some more sarcastic thing.

    i did NOT answer.

    then he texted me some more nice things … so i answerwed to some of those.

    with feeling messages. with what i dont want. with i feel mads. and what do you think?s

    i didnt feel heard

    he wrote he wasnt feeling heard

    i didnt answer

    30 min later he was writing 143

    i answered that

    i said that feels good. i miss u

    and were back to good



  206.  #206Siena on April 26, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    okay ladies, I would appreciate some fun comebacks for this one:

    I ended my membership on eHarmony. But I left one of the men I had been communicating on there my email address. He emailed me and told me he forgot which one I was and so could I please send a picture.

    LOL I feel really amused at this. NO WAY JOSE! But it would be fun to play with him a little bit. I just need some ideas.

    I would feel good saying something outrageous like, “Oh, shoot! All my cameras broke and all the pictures of myself burned up.” But that sounds sarcastic when written. I want something that feels fun and flirty. Any ideas?



  207.  #207TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Daria-

    You are so in tune with your feelings all t he time. How do you stay that way? I mean I have moments when I am that way and then I have weak moments you know. How do you like what I wrote earlier. I normally would post that on my blog but that one is just for me…



  208.  #208TW on April 26, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Siena-

    The first thing that came to my mind was “Damn, how could you forget all this sexiness…” LOL



  209.  #209Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Lol, I like what TW said, Siena.

    Another thing waht TW said to Daria about how she stays in her feelings all the time….yes Daria, how do you stay that way at all times? Inquiring feeling hearts want to know…



  210.  #210JNB on April 26, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    I am a lurker (posted maybe twice before) but just wanted to say to all that I have gained so much knowledge and power, reading all the posts. Specifically, Daria: I feel courage when I read your posts, especially about how you told your date that you wanted to eat, that you wanted your dates to be generous and to provide dinner, and to be romantic! You are so very brave. If my emotions have power, may they help in your healing. I feel lots of gratitude for having access to yours and the other siren’s thoughts and feelings, like my gratitude can reach out and give more power to you ladies. I feel better equipped in seeing y’all’s examples on feeling messages. I am working on being my most authentic self with my man. Thank you, ladies and Rori, for your guidance and sisterhood. Thank you for being here.



  211.  #211TW on April 26, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Apple Jacks-

    It was funny how he said what he said so that was the first thing that came to mind. As far as Daria is concerned I have followed her post for a long time and she gets stronger and stronger and more in tune with herself as time goes on. I really look up to her and wish that I could be more like she is.



  212.  #212Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/masculine-energy/deanna-bachelorette/

    I just read this old post, and feel curious about myself. I would definitely be most attracted to Graham (based on what is written here — I didn’t see the show). . . who is also described as “immature and emotionally unavailable.” (Not good!)

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

    I know I am attracted to guys when they seem to be a challenge. My best past relationships were when I saw a guy and thought “that’s what I want” and then went and got him.

    My worst relationships (including my marriage) were when the guy thought “that’s what I want” and then came and got me.

    Sigh.

    Help!

    <3
    Lucy



  213.  #213Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    TW – I guess the only thing I can say is practice makes perfect.

    Lucy, I feel your confusion and frustration right now. Could it be possible that you’re overthinking this maybe?



  214.  #214TW on April 26, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Daria-

    in reponse to when I said Daria would be on team text him, I did not mean that you would want me to initiate a text with him… I was referring to the day that he initiated a text with me and Siena inspired me to do that fab feeling message and I asked should I send that to him and you said you would and you tweaked it a little for me. I guess I should have put the whole story but I was posting kinda fast. My bad my love… I have had no contact with him since I sent him a text on Friday that he did not answer. Some days I feel like letting go but my heart can not right now. That is why I am going to hang out with my ex before him because I need the comany and it will take my mind off things you know.



  215.  #215TW on April 26, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Apple Jacks..

    We shall see… I am hoping that I get better at opening up and really feeling my feelings.



  216.  #216heartbeat on April 26, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Lucy – just re-shuffling your words:
    “my best future relationships will be when I see a guy and feel “that’s what I want” and then reel him in”

    Option 3, no? 😉 xx



  217.  #217heartbeat on April 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    just passing by on my way to bed *blows out little candle* love to all and sweet dreams xx



  218.  #218Daria on April 26, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Siena –

    I would drop fun and flirty.

    i would write back… ummm… that feels a little bad to hear that i’ve been forgotten…



  219.  #219Daria on April 26, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Siena – and I would also send my picture, if i wanted to allow him to make it up to me. either send it with the line above, or after he says something to my feeling message of feleing bad and seeing how i’m feeling

    the fun flirty thing for me would be a defense, a slick coverup of my actually feeling bad



  220.  #220Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    In response to Posta #218 and 219…Daria you’re brilliant! I mean that genuinely! You’re right we should just say if something makes us feel bad honestly and not necessarily be playful all the time! Wow, I just made a major connection there!



  221.  #221Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Siena — I would say, “I feel amused [which is what you told us you felt]. You forgot unforgettable me! Wow!”

    A.J. – Thanks for hearing my feelings. <3

    Heartbeat – “my best future relationships will be when I see a guy and feel “that’s what I want” and then reel him in” That sounds GOOD! Do you think it's that simple, just a shift in perspective? Or does what I wrote above reveal something specific that needs to shift internally, externally, heal, whatever? Thanks for your input!



  222.  #222Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    For me, fun and flirty in Siena’s situation would be my acknowledgment that yes, with online dating, things can get pretty mixed up and it’s hard to keep track of who’s who — and that I am able to not take that personally, because it is NOT personal. So I’d be fun and playful about it.



  223.  #223Siena on April 26, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Yes, I FEEL fun and flirty about it! I don’t feel bad about it. It feels funny to me. And I don’t want to send him my picture – because if he wants to get with me, he’s gonna have to work a little harder now. Call it penance 😉 And if he doesn’t go for it, well then… next! I don’t want a guy who can’t play with me 🙂



  224.  #224Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Siena – “I don’t want a guy who can’t play with me”

    YES! Absolutely! I SO agree!

    That is one thing that most of the guys I meet are MISSING!!!

    And it feels so crucial for me.

    Once you’ve experienced a guy who can really PLAY with you, you don’t want to settle for less! (Or at least that’s how *I* feel!)



  225.  #225Siena on April 26, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Lucy yes, I totally agree. I’m very playful by nature, so it feels crucial to me too! I never thought of it as a litmus test, but it totally is one! I guess I test men in that way, to see if they can play with me. Not sarcasm, though, that feels yucky to me…but playful like children.



  226.  #226Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Siena – I feel what you’re saying. As for me, I feel like what Daria said really fit because I have noticed that with this new learning, fun and flirty with me can so be the slick cover up like she said. It was like a foreshadowing of where I could turn.

    I definately feel your fun and flirtiness lol. I also love what you said about not wanting to be with a man who can’t play with you. Boy ain’t that the truth. Girly man can’t play at all *rollz eyez*



  227.  #227Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    “but playful like children.” My love that quote triggered a memory that gave me an electric jolt right in my girly groin….



  228.  #228Gee on April 26, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Hi Rori

    Thank you for the encouragement. From your teaching, it is not difficult to know what to do in the head. It is hurting in the heart though. I guess time will heal.

    I have re-listened some of the Reconnect today. I realise that so much area I need to approve even though I have stopped so much not-working-things.

    Regards



  229.  #229Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    So I sent him a playful email and he responded and GUESSED THE WRONG GIRL!!

    Ladies, I really am laughing! This really feels funny to me! It reminds me not to take this CD too seriously – ESPECIALLY in the beginning!

    My date yesterday told me that men cast out a large net in online dating, and just wait to see who they catch. This has definitely been a learning experience for me!



  230.  #230Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    AJ – so now you know what I’m talking about! LOL!



  231.  #231Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Yes, my best relationship ever — which I sabotaged completely because it was so good — was so playful and free and childlike, and, absolutely, Apple Jacks, I have the same kind of memories! Haha!



  232.  #232Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Siena — That’s so funny! Guys have told me that THEY have learned not to invest too much too soon with online dating, cuz so many women flake on them. It goes both ways, ya know?

    Are you keeping it going with him?



  233.  #233Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Okay, he just responded and clarified. He didn’t guess the wrong girl, he just had the colors that I was wearing in the picture wrong. LOL. But he wasn’t very playful… hmmm… maybe he felt defensive? Ya, that won’t work with me! Anyway, I’m not gonna think about it anymore. It was fun for a little bit, and now I just feel bored. Let’s see how he responds. If he’s a stick in the mud, I’ll know pretty quickly!



  234.  #234Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    It was so easy when we were children! “Can you come out and play?” Now it feels so much more complicated. Screw complicated!! I don’t want complicated! I want to feel fun and easy and free and happy and light as a feather with a guy!



  235.  #235Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Aww thank you JNB , TW and Apple Jacks.

    I felt so happy i felt a lil pushing of my receiving comfort zone! i started feeling unworthy and insecure hehe!

    thank you!!!

    well i just ask myself how im feelilng, and dont neceessarily have to figure it out nuanced. when i want a feeling i just chekc the basics

    Sad, mad, glad, afraid .



  236.  #236Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Lol with both Siena and Lucy.

    I love being playful too. But sometimes it makes me long for the one I’m trying to get over, so I feel wonderful and triggered at the same time.



  237.  #237Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    my favorite moment which i want to recreate over and over was when i was on the balcony at my grandmas house and the kids downstairs were calling me to come out and play, and the sun was shining on me and i felt sooo eager to get down there



  238.  #238Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    I agree, Siena! And I know I talk about TN man too much (since we haven’t even met yet), but, gosh, that’s how it feels when I interact with him — “fun and easy and free and happy and light as a feather.”

    When we first started, I told him I didn’t know what the “rules” were, and he responded, “No rules — just fun and freedom, baby!”

    And that’s how it has been. Not always fun — like when either of us go through something uncomfortable — but always free and open, sharing feelings freely, no judgment, no agendas. Just like kids. And more fun than not.

    “Can you come out and play?” — That’s why I am not completely sure about always waiting for him to initiate. It doesn’t feel like fun and freedom. It feels like a rule. 🙁 But maybe that’s just stubbornness on my part.



  239.  #239Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Regarding what Lucy wrote earlier –

    I too started Rori’s stuff thinking that i like a certain man, and then i zero in on him and Think I WANT HIM. and then get him.

    i still tweak on this.

    for me this feels a little like fear that the men i attract won’t be good quality, some fear of intimacy in wanting the man who Doesn’t want me on his own

    and created so much heartbreak for me

    i feel so glad to have seen this and decide to change to my girl energy. i don’t need an amazing man – that doesn’t want me, doesn’t pursue me on his own

    i may still feel attracted to him, but lately everytime i’ve leaned forward on such a thing, i wound up feeling bad

    i now believe i will attract more and more men that DO want me, and they’re quality will go up, and i will be getting men that I DO want coming to ME!



  240.  #240Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    “felt sooo eager to get down there”

    Yes! That’s it! But now some men mistake that type of eagerness with nervousness. Even Rori says this in one of her programs.

    It feels so sad to me, because it’s NOT nervousness. It’s playful energy. But some men I’ve encountered are so afraid to get ‘caught’ that they don’t see it for what it is.

    hmmm… NOW I feel sad. 🙁



  241.  #241Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    Siena – “can you come out and play” lol, those words felt so good to hear! That’s just what I’ll do when I start dating…er, um, how….? I’ll just approach it like that lol! I feel elated. When I start dating again, I’m going to use that.

    Hey Daria, I love reading your feelings, it’s like reading literature like how writers write stories and poems, you know? It helps to re-connect with our own feelings while at the same time envision you in the moment. It’s powerful and it helps me to feel hopeful for my own journey in learning all of this.



  242.  #242Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    anyway I was so zeroed in on guywhohadababy, that i had tried EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING.

    In fact i had started to use david deangelo’s double your dating (for men) to try to attract him,

    not knowing that there was stuff for women, and thinking that i’m more like a man anyway so that would work for me

    it didnt

    nothing did

    leaning back did not really even get me him

    (yet)

    but it has gotten me me.

    Thank you.

    I take me instead of him. and i mean that now.

    whereas before… i wouldve taken him before me in a heartbeat.

    hello! im here! i deserve love and to be seen and i love myself

    and i know now why he couldnt be with me – i had to find love for myself



  243.  #243Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    The eagerness i felt as a child, i was both masculine and feminine then… i think.

    i remember chasing a boy at 5 and being rejected…

    i think ive healed that now

    now i like to sink in the feminine mystery

    yes i feel elated

    and sometimes i feel like dashing forward

    but i now also know to lean back, knowing and wise, and spin the yarn of the universe, pulling my desires and desirers to me like a spider pulling in on her web

    i didnt find my femininity till now

    i hid it even as a child

    i remember at 7 telling myself. i will never cry again. crying is for sissies.

    i was quite a boy child.

    and under allt hat

    i am such a sensitive woman

    mixed together, swirling,

    we all have boy

    we all have girl

    i have all



  244.  #244Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Girly man has now been downgraded to, drum roll please…..Girly BOY. I don not want to insult the word of “man” any longer.



  245.  #245Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    I cried with loud sobs when i felt sad today. i cried with loud sobs yesterday. the crying frees me up and i feel safe. and i feel so much better, and more open afterward.

    i love who i was, and i love who i am now.

    who would’ve thought. i’ve reached the end of my quest. now the adventure begins



  246.  #246Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    AJ and Lucy – “can you come out and play?” Oh, how I would love to text that to a certain someone. But that’s leaning forward energy, and so I know I can’t. I only can just sit here on Siren Island and play with myself (hahaha) and you other Sirens. Oh! He’s sooooo missing out!

    Daria, I love this: “and i know now why he couldn’t be with me – i had to find love for myself”. Beautiful!



  247.  #247Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I feel interested reading your process about this, Daria.

    For me, I have always gotten the guy I saw and wanted, and it involved me basically having a “come play with me” attitude.

    I tend to be kind of quiet and reserved in public because I am observing people and taking everything in, so if I like a guy, I show him my playful, curious, active side — by initiating something with him. It’s the only way he can see that part of me that most people don’t get to see.



  248.  #248Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Siena, that is leaning forward. I guess it’s a good back pocket tool for the right time. It’s funny how Daria said that she found her feminine energy now and hid when she was a child. Makes me feel like giving that child a hug.

    As for me, I feel like I found my MASCULINE energy NOW. I was always more feminine and cried a lot, leaned back a lot and never dashed. I alwasy felt afraid of “going out and playing.” Weird how that goes….



  249.  #249Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Ummm….feeling shocked at myself that I actually said…”girly groin.”



  250.  #250Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    I forgot to say Siena, I would feel electrified to come out and play with you. 🙂 I wished there was a playground around here….



  251.  #251Siena on April 26, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    AJ, there’s a swing down the street from me. I’ve been known to swing on it (lots!). Yes, I’m the grown woman on the swing at the park. ;-P



  252.  #252Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Siena – i love swinging on swings ! hehe



  253.  #253Daria on April 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Lol – i noticed girly groin too! i felt shocked and liberated.

    it feels kina icky, and also fun

    Girly Groin … ack!! im used to thinking of groin as masculine

    hehehehee

    his loins groins

    hehehe

    ok girly groin haha i like it. reminds me of Roller Derby!



  254.  #254Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    That’s wonderful! When I was in Oregon I used to tell my best friend that we should get together and swing on a swing. But for some reason that never happened…



  255.  #255Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Daria – ROFLMAO!!!!!!



  256.  #256Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Haha, I like “girly groin.” I didn’t feel surprised or weirded by it at all. Probably cuz my dad was a h.s. P.E./wellness teacher and coach, and said “groin” all the time, in reference to both girls and guys. LOL. “Groin injury” was a common phrase in our household.



  257.  #257Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Wow. There was this guy I had one date with six months ago, he fell head over heels, and then got really mad at me for not responding to his next email immediately (within three hours) — it was an over-the-top, totally smitten email and I really needed time to know how to respond! We emailed back and forth about it a couple times, and he accused me of being mean and heartless, etc. for not responding right away, while I told him how yucky it felt to hear him say those things about me. He then basically said “so long, I’m outta here” in a big huff, and that was that. Good riddens!

    Now, six months later, I just got an email from him: “Hi. You know, I really liked you. I wish you would have given us a fair chance, then we both wouldn’t be back on this dumb site. 🙂
    I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.”

    So, Sirens, what would YOU do in this situation?



  258.  #258Siena on April 26, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I feel surprised! I felt pressured last time to respond to you sooner than I wanted, and it felt weird to have you gone so quickly.

    (Do you want to see him again?)

    It would feel good to reconnect with you. What do you think?

    (or no?)

    I feel bad, but I don’t feel enough spark with you to continue a conversation with you. Bye!



  259.  #259Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Lucy – what would I do in this situation??? Proabably laugh my head off. But seriously for myself, I’m already turned off by the guy. I know he liked you, but me I cannot stand melo drama and that’s the vibe I feel from him based on what you’ve said. That’s just me.



  260.  #260Siena on April 26, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Oh, and… MESSAGE!!!!!!!!! MEN ALWAYS COME BACK!!!!! Even the ones I never would expect to.



  261.  #261Siena on April 26, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Ladies, have you ever seen http://pixyland.org/peterpan/?

    He just winked at me on Match. Well… his twin did. Under “books I’m reading” he wrote, “Wuthering Heights” and “Jane Eyre”.

    Okay… LOL… ummm, God!? When I said I wanted to play, I meant, with a MANLY man. Thank you!!

    Oh I’m feeling all over the place today. I’m feeling soooo amused at life and then feeling really pissed. And now I feel exhausted!



  262.  #262Daria on April 26, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    SIENA —- wow!! was he wearing that outfit?? HEHE



  263.  #263Siena on April 26, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    hehe, no. But he had the fabulous haircut and smile. 🙂 I feel judgmental. But I don’t want to date him. No no no.



  264.  #264Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Hey, Siena, my manly son BOUGHT a copy of Jane Eyre. But…he wouldn’t be caught dead in that pixyland outfit, lol. How bad was “your” guy’s haircut? I felt judgmental about not wanting to date a bald guy, but everything else about him seemed good, so I forced myself to go out with him. I’m glad I did, and we liked each other a lot. But….I really don’t like the fact that he doesn’t have hair!!!!



  265.  #265Lucy on April 26, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Great insight about the “men always come back” message Siena! Thanks for seeing that!!!



  266.  #266Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Hey Siena, what does “men always come back” mean exactly?



  267.  #267Daria on April 26, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Apple Jacks – i think it means Men Always Come Back!

    lol mischievous Goddess here

    in my experience, they will get back in contact with me or even magically reappear at random places i am



  268.  #268Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Daria – Are you serious? That’s kind of awesome. I think…lol. Why do you think that is? I’m sorry I know I’m asking too many questions.



  269.  #269Daria on April 26, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Apple Jacks – well, they can’t resist our leaning back!

    so unless they are so seriously committed to another siren that they cannot escape out of the electron ring attracted by her nucleus,

    they WILL come back because our energy bubble is so lean back

    its pure physics my dear Ms. Watson

    ps – has happened over and over in sirens’ experience as well… including mine



  270.  #270Daria on April 26, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    ps – what was that site of that Karen lady you wrote before about the list of fruit to eat in the morning?



  271.  #271Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    *Giggle* I still don’t know how to lean back yet….

    About the fruit: I changed it up but what I used to do is take two pieces of fruit, like two slices of cantaloupe and maybe a handful of grapes, and a handful of baby carrots. Then I would wait about 20 minutes before I had breakfast. Example, an organic brown egg sometimes boiled, or if fried then I’d lightly fry it in two teaspoons of organic olive oil. With it I’d eat either brown rice, or an organic whole grain (or wheat) tortilla or something brown, and a raw vegetable with it like sliced colored bell peppers.

    They say melons should be totally eaten alone, like you wait a half an hour before eating anything after it, but I found that just eating it first and some grapes or berries with it wasn’t too bad.

    The trick is to eat fruit on an empty stomach because from my experience and what I was taught was that when you eat fruit on an empty stomach you’re able to absorb the nutrients better. If you eat it as a dessert it ferments on top and the nutrients cannot be absorbed (some people counter this, but from my experience it’s true). You’ll just get gas, lol.

    The fruits that Karen listed (I notice she doesn’t have it anymore), would be cherries, blackberries, cantaloupe, papaya (both so good for the skin), blueberries, apples, kiwi, strawberries, grapes, any fruit that’s in season and fruits that are out of the ordinary sometimes. You can also make fruit smoothies, tons of books on that. I myself have not figured that out yet, lol.

    When I ate like this, I would get in four raw fruits and vegetables of each, daily. I also had at least four tablespoons of olive oil, whole grains with all three meals, some days salmon, and most days either tofu or seitan and all of it organic…all that combined did absolute wonders for my skin. It’s just that it’s expensive, but what’s happening is that you’re getting high quality nutriens and the skin (and eyes) are the first places where that shows up. It was a fun diet! 🙂



  272.  #272Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Oh I forgot to give you her site: http://clearskin-ebook.com/about/

    Let me keep looking to find something more direct here, I’ll be right back….



  273.  #273Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    🙁 I guess that’s the only site I can really provide, Daria. Her site used to be a lot more informative five years ago. It had a whole list of what skin savers and skin sinners were. I guess she contained it in her book this time. But hopefully the site isn’t a total lost cause.



  274.  #274Apple Jacks on April 26, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Disclaimer: I also feet l the need to add that the diet I discussed above is what I did. ME. I am not at all suggesting anyone else do the same as I am NO expert and everyone’s bodies react differently to different things. This was just what I incorporated.
    Just thought I’d make sure to say that.



  275.  #275Daria on April 26, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Thanks Apple jacks – im thinking about starting to have a fruit breakfast . i would feel happy to have my eyes brighten up!



  276.  #276physical therapist on April 26, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I enjoy seeing websites that understand the value of providing a prime resource for free. I truly loved reading your post. Thanks!



  277.  #277Rachel on April 27, 2010 at 5:53 am

    Siena,

    Thank you for my morning laugh! I just checked out the Peter Pan thing and it struck me so funny that you said you wanted to play and voila! What’s that they say about the universe…”Your wish is my command!”

    Good lesson in learning to be specific in our asking!

    Yes… I want to play with a masculine man! =-)



  278.  #278Ankita on April 27, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Hello Everyone….

    Aaahhhh.. I did it…. Finally……

    Woo hoo……

    My ex did contact me again yesterday morning, taking my exam as an excuse to talk to me, I did just tell him how my exam went by text, no more , no less… I didn’t even answer his call. He called me 4 times.

    I sent him the following text.

    “No use calling me Jai. Am not gonna pick up.

    I replied to you regarding the exam as that was an important issue. I don’t want to look back ever again at the darkest chapter of my life. I doubt myself.

    I don’t want to have to do anything with you now. But I wanna thank you for coming in my life and showing me that side of mine which I never knew existed.

    You were the biggest lesson of my life. Now am ready to face the world & that’s the end of our story. A story I never wanna recall ever again.”

    Finally I said this. He was trying to string me along from a long time and at times I got scared that I would lose all contact with him. But now, am no more scared.

    He was the 1st guy I did ever care so much for, but I know I deserve someone better, who will GIVE to me (The WATERWHEEL Tool), and I will give back to him then.

    I only want guys who are serious about me. I am not going to be 2nd woman in anyone’s life.

    And most important of all, in my text, I didn’t blame him or his gf, and I loved it.
    (In last call, most of the talk was revolving around his gf, she was the centre of our talk, and I hated this. I did mention that on a post above.)

    I did it… Yoooooooooo…… 🙂 😀 😀 🙂



  279.  #279Siena on April 27, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Rachel – hehehe! I feel glad that it made you laugh. 😉 It was a huge lesson to me to be careful what I ask for!



  280.  #280Brenda on April 27, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Hi Ankita,

    Congratulations, you are free! Your water wheel is turning now…it’s no longer stuck! Excellent power speech!

    Huggies,
    Brenda



  281.  #281Ankita on April 28, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Hello Sirens,

    Need your help….

    In post 278, I wrote how I broke all contacts with my ex.

    Today he did ask me why I did this, I said, “I don’t want to be with a guy who have girls other than me in his life. I don’t like to talk about other women.”

    He said, “Its ok ankita. Happy to c u changed. Wish u best of luck am at home now.”

    Then I requested him never to tell anyone about us as I didn’t wish to create more complications in my life. He assured he won’t.

    Then I said, “Best of luck to you too. It was nice meeting you. Bye.”

    He replied, “I need luck. Thanks. Best of luck to you too. Byee…”

    That moment I finally did break down. Thank god he wasnt in front of me, or else perhaps I would have held him while crying. I cried after that.

    My hands creeped back to message him, don’t know why.
    But I pulled my finger back, thinking if I message him again, I will lose all credibility.

    I feel vulnerable. I want to cry my heart out.

    Do you sirens have some advice or tools to help me in this particular situation?

    Any advice is far more than welcome.



  282.  #282Ankita on April 28, 2010 at 8:34 am

    @ Brenda,

    Thanks a lot… Now I feel I have the power… I feel vulnerable.. I want to cry my heart out ….



  283.  #283Daria on April 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Ankita – this is awesome!

    as you can see he said hes is HAPPY to see you stand up for yourself.

    this is the time to cry cry cry and feel all yoru feelings.

    I FEEL SO GLAD your creeping hand did NOT contact him

    now feel it out.

    he will be back later. speak to him then from your place of power, like now (he will try to test your boundary)

    you are doing AMAZING.



  284.  #284Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 5:54 am

    @ Daria

    Oh ya Daria…
    You are quite right….
    It happened just today….

    He did call me today… After getting a bit confused initially, I received his call….

    He asked how’s am doing, blah blah…

    Then he tried to have phone sex with me, I didn’t did it anyhow. He said that I am more in my brain, not in my heart, coz he said he thinks my heart still beats for him.

    I said, I don’t want a guy who has girls other than me in his life, and I had made it very clear to him the evening before. I am not looking to be a mistress.

    He said, “I want you.”
    Me, ” I don’t want you.. Not anymore…”
    He, “No. I want you.”
    Me, “I don’t.”
    He,” No. I do. I do want you. Only you. Do you get it? You only, you are mine ankita.”
    Me, “Am not going to believe it. If you do, confess it in the front of the world and your gf.”

    He.. silent…..

    Then me, “Please go to where you are. Go be with ur gal, marry her, fuck her… I don’t want to do anything with a guy who is not serious about me. I don’t want to do anything with you now. ”

    He, “U r so angry? Ain’t you?”
    Me, “Nops. I am not. I am just being serious about myself and my life. ”

    He, “Oh.. That’s good..!!”

    Unfortunately he did ask me about the guys I am dating and I told him that I am not being exclusive with anyone right now. They all know that and some of them are ok with that.

    He was amazed and surprised to listen to that.

    Then he, “I called in just to check how are you doing?”

    Me, “Ok…”

    Then he wished me best of luck and I kept down the phone.



  285.  #285Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 7:51 am

    @ Daria,

    I think I did a mistake by saying this, “Please go to where you are. Go be with ur gal, marry her, fuck her…”

    You know what happened just 15 mins ago.
    I was talking to 1 of my CD guy. I messaged him, “M feeling very vulnerable. M feeling mad.”

    And by mistake, this went to my ex.

    And he msged back, “Now what happened?”

    I texted ‘sorry, not for u…’

    I don’t know what to do now..!

    Did I commit some mistake?

    Am feeling very vulnerable. I feel sad, upset for losing him.

    I HONESTLY WANT HIM TO REGRET LOSING ME… 🙁 🙁



  286.  #286Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 8:27 am

    More,

    While trying to have phn sex with me, when he sensed that am trying to get away from him,
    he said , “Had he been in front of you, I would have held your hand to stop u from getting away from me and would have pulled u so close to me, You would never have dared to go away from me ever again,”– something I wanted to listen from him from years.

    But I felt it was too late. I replied, “No one has given you the right to touch me. I would have slapped you if u did so.”

    I didn’t wish to give him pat reply him like this. But somehow, it came out of my system before I did realize what I said. I regret saying this.

    🙁 🙁



  287.  #287Simply Shannon on April 29, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Ankita: Go back to post 278. Over and over again. And read Rori’s initial post. This man may be amazing but he has a girlfriend and cannot make you number one. Words are just words. They do not wrap their arms around us and hold us tight. Until this man steps up and claims you as his number ONE, he is nothing.

    (((HUGS)))

    And no bashing of your words. You said what you felt at the time. I thought it sounded brilliant.



  288.  #288Daria on April 29, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Ankita –

    1. ) “M feeling very vulnerable. M feeling mad.”

    this is a great feeling message to share WITH the ex. it’s like the universe wanted you to.

    2) the thing about your girl etc etc. that was a mistake indeed.

    As soon as you replace 2) statements with 1) Feelings, the whole relationship will shift.



  289.  #289Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    @ Simply Shannon and daria,

    You both have helped me in a great way, please see the post below too…

    I would be really glad if you could help me… 🙂



  290.  #290Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Hello everyone

    Want to share what happened today… I am feeling very low..

    As I was online in orkut, I went through my ex’s profile. There I saw he wrote about his current gf tat she did bring the best times of his life back, etc.

    I felt small. I didn’t wish to talk to him any further. I texted him in feeling messages, “I saw ur profile. And am feeling really upset and bad that despite writing that about her, you are after me…! When someone else brings back the best in ur life, wtf am I doing here? What can I have? What will I get? Nothing…?? And this doesn’t feels good at all…”

    He said, “It’s ok. I know your feeling..! Maximum you can get sex. You don’t want to fuck me anymore, that’s your choice. It’s ok.”

    I, “No more sex, please. Had enough of it. I want a true relationship. A guy who appreciates me, makes me feel great. I told you before too, am not looking to be a mistress.”

    Here I recall a small story I wanna share. I know most of you may find it quite weird. Actually when we broke up, just one month ago, my friend forced me to visit an astrologer, and I don’t believe much in these things. But still I went, and she told me that the guy am with right now isn’t a very good guy, and that we will break up 1 month from now. And then , the guy I will get in my life will be a very good guy in all context and I will be very happy, protected, etc.. (TOUCHWOOD..)

    And well, that’s what did exactly happen.. I did try my best to stop the break up, but it didn’t happen.

    Right now, am feeling very low, very jealous, and very uncomfortable. I remember this saying, “Someday someone will walk into your life, and will make you realize why it didn’t worked out with anyone else.”

    Am having exams 10 days from now, and am not able to concentrate very well on my subject. The sudden images of him and his gf together keep coming in my mind, and the only thing I am left to wonder is, “Why me? I did everything I could have done for him. (Guess I did it too much, lolz.)”

    Rori always says notice how you feel about yourself when you are with a man. And I did notice. I did feel very strongly attracted towards him but I did not feel very good about myself when I was with him. And I hate this lame excuse of , “Oh.. Because I love him..”

    My head is spinning right now.

    It’s called a break-up because it’s broken. Just coz I think that our relation was meant to be, it doesn’t means it was. Had it meant to be, we would not have had broken up.

    Do you all have any tools or advice to help me at this situation. Any feedback is more than welcome…

    🙂 🙂



  291.  #291Daria on April 29, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Ankita – PLEASE STOP TEXTING HIM GIRL!!! you told him you no longer want to talk to him. THAT MEANS STOP!!!

    STOP GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY PLEASE. WHEN YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT HIM… thats ESPECIALLY when you should NOT contact him!

    saying this:

    ““I saw ur profile. And am feeling really upset and bad that despite writing that about her, you are after me…! When someone else brings back the best in ur life, wtf am I doing here? What can I have? What will I get? Nothing…?? And this doesn’t feels good at all…”

    will turn him off! push him away! make YOU feel bad!!

    so please stop!



  292.  #292Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    More,

    I forgot to add this last time. Had to come back again.

    I am much more successful than his current. I have been a CUB Reporter for The Telegraph, while in school, have interviewed celebrities like Sourav Ganguly, Rahul Dravid, etc.

    Have also won beauty contests in Kolkata, once I passed school.

    Am studying to get a good job.

    And his current is a simple girl, determined to be a housewife, and has looks below even average.

    What was amiss in me? I wonder, “Why me?”

    The answer sends me into a dizzy,,,

    Who’ll want to keep up with a whining motor mouth, who’s not vulnerable, only insecure, doesn’t knows how she is feeling at the moment..

    We stayed at the opposite ends of Kolkata. There was THE INTIMACY ISSUE.

    We couldn’t talk at length with each other, THE TALK ISSUE.

    He was a very laid back kind of guy, THE CHASE ISSUE. (I heard that his current had to do and has to do more chasing.)

    I feel shivered when I look back at how I was that time.

    People come in our life for a reason, but why did he come into my life when he was never meant to be mine? I am hurt. I feel cheated, untrusting, wanna cry, but can’t. Tears aren’t coming.

    I just want a guy who’ll appreciate me,
    love me,
    will put me before anything else,
    with whom I won’t have to try hard,
    who will not only say, but show that he loves me,
    on whose shoulders I can place my head,
    who’ll hold my hand through the tough times.
    For whom, I will be the one, THE ONLY ONE…

    I still remember my grandma saying this to me, when I was just 6-7 years old, “NEVER EVER LEAVE THE HAND OF THE PERSON WHO HOLDS YOUR HANDS THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES, & PULLS YOU OUT OF DARKNESS..”

    I WANT THAT KIND OF PERSON IN MY LIFE….



  293.  #293Ankita on April 29, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Daria,

    I get it… Am not gonna contact this Idiot ever again… He just doesn’t knows what he is losing…

    Stupid guy…!! And stupid Meee too…!!

    To fall for such guy…!! :X



  294.  #294Daria on April 29, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Ankita – Don’t beat yourself up. this is great practice for your boundaries. Practice practice practice. You WILL have what you want.



  295.  #295Ankita on April 30, 2010 at 3:56 am

    Daria

    I honestly want this—>

    I just want a guy who’ll appreciate me,
    love me,
    will put me before anything else,
    with whom I won’t have to try hard,
    who will not only say, but show that he loves me,
    on whose shoulders I can place my head,
    who’ll hold my hand through the tough times.
    For whom, I will be the one, THE ONLY ONE…

    I want a legendary love affair leading to a magnificent marriage someday….

    But I want just some basic points in my guy:
    1) Should be taller than me, including heels….
    2) We should look good when we walk together… Like a really special couple…

    That’s all I want…!!



  296.  #296Ankita on April 30, 2010 at 8:50 am

    I felt really cheap when my ex said that all he can offer me is just sex. And said he felt bad when I refused to make him my fuck buddy.
    And well, this guy claims he likes his girl a lot.. Huhh… WTF…

    I don’t want sex when there’s no feeling involved.

    Here I am looking for a true relationship and he…

    I don’t care… And why should I have sex with another girl’s boyfriend??

    I want love.. Anything less is undeserving of me…
    Stupid me… To even think that this guy will ever appreciate a good thing…

    But am glad.. that finally I have learned to feel all my feelings… I did sob today…!! I felt really bad.. And I don’t want to go ever back again to any place that makes me feel bad…!!

    He never did deserve me.. I had to lower my standard to be with him..(long time ago, then me a doormat.).. He has low standard and he likes cheap things only….

    Am glad Am outta there…

    OFTEN WHAT SHATTERS US IS WHAT LIBERATES US…!!



  297.  #297Simply Shannon on April 30, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Ankita: HUGS!!! I agree with Daria 100 plus a million%. No more contact with this man. He told you he only wants you for sex. Believe him! YUCK! (Unless you change your mind and want sex. Which is perfectly okay too!)

    You sound amazing Ankita. You are beautiful and lovely. The message: It’s not at all what’s on the outside that matters (looks, career, etc.). It is all about what is in your heart. It’s time to stop being afraid of showing yourself… that includes your insecurity (better word – your vulnerability). The right man will love all of you, your quirks, your mistakes, your passion, your tears.

    Thank you Mr. Gonna-Be-Missing-Ankita Man for showing her she is glorious and that she will no longer tolerate yucky sex-only, cheating-on-his-girlfriend, toxic you.

    Love and hugs Ankita!! You can do this!! Shannon



  298.  #298Ankita on April 30, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Simply Shannon,

    Thanks a lot Shannon…. 🙂

    I love this site. Here it feels like, my sisters holding my hand and guiding me the right way.

    Never again in my life I am gonna contact him ever again. I don’t want sex, unless it feels good, and with this guy, even a simple exchange of greetings doesn’t feels good anymore…

    I am glad.. Today I took the 1st step of showing the real me on FACEBOOK.. Am glad by the responses I got…. A guy gave a fab comment, “It’s like you are learning to live your life now.”

    I truly deserve a good life..
    We broke up when I got to know that he had been two-timing me.
    But am not going to get back in it ever again.

    Because of his current we broke up. But am not gonna play the role of a home- breaker anyway, even near to her.

    I feel it’s his loss, when he wants me just for sex and nothing more than that. Perhaps, he doesn’t knows what I have to offer. Never mind.

    His loss will be someone else’s gain. 🙂 😀

    Hugs to you too Shannon….
    Love ya…! 🙂



  299.  #299Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Ankita – this is great – OFTEN WHAT SHATTERS US IS WHAT LIBERATES US…!! And thank you for the “Scripts” – I’ll use them…Love, Rori



  300.  #300Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Ankita,

    I feel your heartbreak. You are taking the right path, on your bridge. Don’t let him define who you are. No need to compare yourself with the other woman. I feel sad when you call yourself stupid. I did that myself, too many years. Yesterday, Siena got me saying “I’m beautiful and intelligent!” LOL! It felt good! When you find your forever man, you will feel so good about yourself in his presence that you will realize more fully than ever that it was HIS issue here, not YOURS. I’m proud of you!

    I am finding that circular dating helps me rebuild my confidence and feminine power after Ryan disappeared.



  301.  #301Jan on April 30, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    I recently had communication from an online date. We first started texting each other, then when we both realized that we were doing well that way, we had a few phone conversations. That turned out to be great also. We met for the first time. That was really good! He felt that we had great chemistry. That was until I showed up at his place of business that he owned. I stayed and watched his guys working on a project but stayed out of the way. When I asked if he minded that I was there, he said “Actually I do”. At that comment I left within 5 or ten minutes. I sinced that he was really ticked. I text him and apologized to no end. He text back and said that I was rude and that he would have never done what I did and that we would have butted heads. etc. Well, we no longer see each other. I text back and said that regardless of what he thinks, I did everything right as far as asking him to forgive me for my error. What gives with a guy that one minute sees great chemistry to a complete opposite reaction?



  302.  #302Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Jan…If I talked with a man and then met him once and then he showed up at my workplace without calling or anything – I would feel like I was being stalked. So – apologizing is not the issue here – he thinks you’re crazy. Because you’re here and you sound lovely, I’m going to assume that you’re not crazy – but your actions are completely misguided, overfunctioning to the extreme, and…yes…bizarre. Do you see this? I know we can help you here, and first, you have to get how completely inappropriate it is to show up at a man’s workplace when you hardly know him (just started dating) – and how your instinct led you to completely chase a man. I hope you read everything here and ask questions, and we’ll help you understand how to reverse this…Love, Rori



  303.  #303Jan on May 1, 2010 at 9:52 am

    I could go on about the errors of my ways but having told you that I new I messed up with this date, I won’t be seeing him again. I have two friends that I had dated before all this. We are still good friends. Both of these guys have said that I am a great gal. We stay in contact. I have moved on but don’t want to keep repeating my mistakes. Rori, please direct me to the right programs you have so many and I don’t know which to choose. I downloaded your ebook “Have the Relationship You Want” a few months back and read through it.



  304.  #304Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Hi Jan –

    The book has lots of tools to work with, and a lot on leaning back and not overfunctioning.

    As far as Rori’s programs, you can read the descriptions and see which fit your situation.

    I really love Modern Siren.

    Targeting Mr. Right is really good for the single woman as well.



  305.  #305Ankita on May 1, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Rori,

    Thanks…
    I feel really LIFTED now….

    Love ya…
    Ankita…



  306.  #306Ankita on May 1, 2010 at 11:35 am

    @ Brenda,

    I called myself stupid in the sense that I did a mistake in recognizing him. I accepted him at one point. and that I felt was my mistake.

    But no more…
    Am a siren…
    Am beautiful and lovely….
    Am desirable…
    Am wanted…!! 🙂

    Am looking forward to start CDing guys once my exams are over….

    🙂 🙂



  307.  #307TxMsPretty on May 1, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    This is an Excellent example of me. I Like professional men & I believe I do because of the power I “think” they have. And the status. I have read this at the right time! Thanks Rori!



  308.  #308Jan on May 1, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Daria,

    Thanks for the book ideas, I’ll probably go for
    “Modern Siren” to start. Looks like I’ll have some down time! then I’ll try “Targeting Mr. Right”.
    I was married for 26 years and find myself almost 5 years later still wondering if I’ll ever find the right guy. After all, I just turned 50, I still look good for my age but I can’t help but feel that time is running out.



  309.  #309Turtle Girl on May 1, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Jan-
    Time is not running out! They are lots of men out there in our age group. Or try and 40 year old! I am 55 and look much younger and feel you can meet a man at any age. Just start getting out there.
    I had three dates with different men in the last week.
    You can do it!

    Even if we were eighty-we could still meet men. I felt like you did once after a long marriage and then did not date for seven long years. But not I am circular dating and things are looking up. I got rid of the toxic waste dump of a man and have been dating a lot. A good guy will show up sooner or later. xxxooo



  310.  #310Siena on May 1, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    It feels so interesting to see the topic of time come up. I’ve been pondering time today, wondering if there’s such thing as “right guy, wrong time”.

    I started to feel frustrated that it isn’t happening now for me. Felt frustrated that the CD I wanted to see tonight didn’t call for a date, and so I’m going out with my second choice.

    Then an acquintance, whom I feel is very controlling, left me a voicemail and told me to call her within 30 minutes. I felt tightening in my jaw. Hell no! I won’t be controlled in that way!

    Then… Lightbulb! Clear message. I’ve been trying to control the timing too. Is there anything I haven’t tried to control?

    I feel hesitant, frustrated, deep breath. I surrender the timing too.



  311.  #311Brenda on May 2, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Jan! I am 46, and I have realized it is FAR more important to marry the RIGHT man than to marry ASAP. I feel frustrated at times, too, and my biological clock is ticking big time. But I don’t want to rush into any relationship. I would rather get to thoroughly know the man I am committing my happy ever after to.

    I also recommend “Commitment Blueprint”.

    Ankita, even when I make mistakes, I’ve learned to say, “Well, it ain’t the first mistake I ever made, and it won’t be the last!!” And at those times, I am learning to say, “I am in process, and I love myself in the process,” rather than beating myself up, which isn’t productive.

    Siena, I hope you told Ms. Control Freak that you felt controlled! My father was EXTREMELY controlling, and I gradually learned to confront him, with much literal trembling. He would typically start to yell. But once the issues were spoken, it opened the door to healing in our relationship!

    I’ve observed that controlling people are typically from dysfunctional homes. I still won’t allow myself to be controlled by them, but understanding their perspective of lack of control and fear helps me confront the situation with more sensitivity.



  312.  #312Brenda on May 2, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Turtle Girl,

    I knew a couple who met in their mid-sixties!!! It was awesome! They were both working part time at an upscale restaurant, and they were both widowed and fell in love. Where are they today? Still alive in their early 90s, and still married, and the most gracious couple! They kept their own home as long as they could and now they live in a retirement community.



  313.  #313Allison on May 2, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Allison here!

    i wish I would have been on here reading since Rori replied! Tuesday night Matt said we should “just be friends” because he felt like he was hurting me by pulling away. He said we both deserve to be able to find love, and we can’t if we have an intimate relationship. He said he does want a loving connection with a woman that comes naturally, and that it just isn’t happening for us. Well, i realized that I hadn’t let it happen cuz I kept to myself and did not open my heart. Being an exotic dancer for so long, it comes naturally for me to keep up very firm boundaries around men. I also had not let him into my life and near my children because of my insecurities. He did take me to events with friends and colleagues and out to be with his friends and such… I never invited him out hardly at all, hardly ever texted or called him. Anyway, now we are “just friends”… And I feel he has begun dating that other girl. I do feel sad and rejected! I’m 35 years old, divorced twice, but no one has ever broken up with me. But Friday I told him that everything just came together for me all at once in the very best ways and I thanked him for breaking up with me! I wished him luck in his search for love. He said he was happy for me.
    But, now that I have all of Rori’s tools, I secretly wish he would try to come back so I can try them all out on him who I feel is the most challenging of all men… And I totally don’t feel like dating anyone. I am very busy with myself, educations, work and children… Hmmmm?



  314.  #314Allison on May 2, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    …another thing…
    He did tell me that I’m amazing, and he was always very sweet to me, and i always looked forward to being with him because I did feel great around him. He never had anything bad to say about me. It took me a much longer time to get over the butterflies than with other men. We had a whole lot in common and always had fun together, and I was not as giving with him as I was with men in the past. I was very very freshly divorced and holding back a lot. I really did not let him in because I was so afraid of rejection, but ironically I feel that I was rejected because I did not let him in.



  315.  #315Allison on May 2, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    oh… And after he said we should just be friends, he told me that he always saw a lot of wonderful amazing greatness in my eyes that really needed to come out, and he felt like he was inhibiting that. He felt that when I’m with him I’m not as expressive as I could be. Ugh!



  316.  #316Allison on May 2, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    You know, now that I think of it, every one of my ex’s still to this day have expressed that they would drop everything to be with me again… But this one, “just wants to be friends?” Ha!!



  317.  #317Allison on May 2, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Matt is at a Biomagnetics seminar out of town, and he keeps texting me every day to tell me all about it, and saying that I need to go to the next one because then I will have the tools I need for healing most people’s problems… I am not quite sure how I feel I should be responding to him? Part of me wants to just be very short with him and say that now isn’t a good time, or give him no info at all about how I feel about that, and another part of me wants to be more accepting of his wanting to be “helpful”…



  318.  #318Allison on May 3, 2010 at 5:55 am

    I did respond to him by telling him I was having a fun weekend, since he did ask me how my weekend was. I also said that I’m not making any decisions during retrograde, but thanks for the info.

    Next time he texts I feel I should ignore him a bit? I do still feel sad and rejected, but also relieved to be able to step back and take a look now like I wish I would have before. I have been secretly obsessing over him, but “playing it cool,” for years! I’d been playing games and not speaking my whole truth for fear of rejection throughout the entire time I dated him… What was I thinking??? Ugh!



  319.  #319Allison on May 3, 2010 at 6:28 am

    I feel I should also tell y’all that when he was “pulling back,” he asked me to keep his dog while he was out of town. I told him I would if he takes me to dinner… ugh! That was prob sounding desperate! So, he took me to dinner and we came home to watch a movie. When we were going to bed I decided to let him know how I feel about his last minute calls for dates! He used to call me in advance! I told him that it feels good to spend time with him, and occasionally I enjoy feeling surprised by a last minute call for dinner, but when that’s all I’m getting then I feel like an afterthought, and I don’t want that. Well, that’s when he said that we should just be friends because he sees that his pulling back is hurting me, and he does not want to hurt me… He said he was pulling back to re evaluate because he feels our relationship is missing depth, and now that is something that he really wants in his life…. So, first I was in denial and said I don’t know how to just be his friend, then I danced for him and seduced him, then I called him an asshole as he left. Then I wrote him to tell him he shouldn’t be dating someone who’s freshly divorced if he wants her to be open hearted. I wrote him lots of things actually, including blaming it all on Mercury’s retrograde! Lol! I told him that my closed heart allowed him to only use me. He said he had been truthful with me the whole time…he’s a “non-committal” sort of guy was his truth until he broke up with me! That’s confusing, actually! Then later I accepted it and thanked him for breaking up because I am better this way… I was a total mess! So now I feel that I should probably ignore him for a long while. He will be dating this new girl when he returns home I’m sure, so it will be easy for him to occupy his time with her. But, he is 37 years old and hasn’t spent more than 2 years dating the same girl… Non-committal serial monogamist!



  320.  #320Allison on May 3, 2010 at 8:00 am

    I feel so sad today… Like how could I allow this to happen to me? I convinced myself that I wasn’t ready for something deep, but then now he is, but he is searching elsewhere because “it shouldn’t be something that has to be talked about…It should just come naturally, and if it isn’t there then it is what it is…” Well wasn’t he holding back? I mean, he did light candles and make things sweet… we had a lot to talk about and I held back and leaned back A LOT during the entire time we dated. He always treated me very special. In his Valentine card he wrote that he “values what we have, and over time it will be even more valuable and grow in more ways to make it even more special…” WTF?

    I don’t even want to date anymore. I’d rather be in the club and taking money from men in exchange for my valuable time! I want to do no more than just practice and learn all the new tools on the men in the club and by “dating the world.” I feel hurt and sad and frustrated and abandoned and confused.

    I was in class Sat learning deep massage of the belly… And from that I learned that the belly is an extraordinary diagnostic instrument. It displays the armoring of the heart as a tension in the belly. The deeper our relationship to the belly, the sooner we discover if we are holding in the mind or opening into the heart… We cannot overestimate the importance of softening.



  321.  #321Allison on May 3, 2010 at 8:01 am

    …and i feel angry too!!!



  322.  #322heartbeat on May 3, 2010 at 8:20 am

    Allison – just been reading your posts and feel like picking you up, sitting you down and saying ‘hey – stop being so hard on yourself’. I’ve been through this, going back over and over a relationship with a man I felt strong emotions (mostly fear) around for two years. Now I look back and realise I was feeling fear for a reason – I could make a list of nice things he did, I could contradict my feelings with evidence, I could lean back, date myself and communicate in feeling messages till the cows came home, and nothing would change that nagging feeling – because marvellous as he could be, he was not into commitment and a life together. He even told me that right at the start! The only thing ‘wrong’ I did was not to believe him, but I got two years of intensive ‘in-house’ practice so I pat myself on the back for that.

    Allison, I’ve gone through all the feelings of rejection and despair myself – all I can say is it comes in waves, it passes and you find yourself gradually back on the shore of YOU again. Same with CD – waves of will/won’t (I’ve been following my heart on this one, sometimes letting go, but then men pop up out the blue anyway haha!).

    Sending massive hugs Siren xxxxxxxxx



  323.  #323heartbeat on May 3, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Anger is a great energy!!!!!!!!
    I feel like YELLING lol!!



  324.  #324Allison on May 3, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Thanks so much Heartbeat!

    I know what to do with myself for now, and I can leave him alone just fine. I just don’t know what to do when he texts or calls, and I really won’t have any idea as to what to do if he wants to spend time with me or come toward me! So, I suppose I am afraid of my own uncertainty.



  325.  #325Allison on May 4, 2010 at 7:19 am

    I just erased his number and texts messages from my phone, and I hid his comments on facebook. When he calls or texts I’m going to ignore him for a while!

    My heart was closed for fear of rejection, but then I was rejected because my heart was not open. But, I deserve love!



  326.  #326julie on April 13, 2011 at 1:10 am

    Dear R.,

    Helps others even if they don’t give him anything in return, caring, generous, hardworking, laid-back, funny, fit but…seems to enjoy spending time with his lodgers and tenants too much…? Doing almost anything to make and keep them happy: buys loads of stuff for them to use (appliances, gadgets, even some that they don’t need – sometimes one or two complain that the place is cluttered), gives them a lift whenever they need it, etc. The fact of the matter is that if they decide to move, all those appliances and other ‘toys’ won’t stop them from leaving.
    It can take up to 3 hours or more (when there are railway engineering works) to get from my place to his. I go and see him once/twice a week. Last (almost typical) weekend: I come to his place, he is still in bed. Lunchtime: we go cycling but it reminds me more of a several mile race, so no stops for a kiss or anything like that, ‘fortunately’ we get hungry so we stop to have some lunch at a pub. We are back: he wants BBQ with his lodgers/tenants, of course. Evening: bowling – yes, with his lodger and mate, pub – same as before plus other friends, his brothers and a whole pub crowd and, ok, I am there, too. We are back to his place: a movie – with a lodger and his mate…Exhausted (got hardly any sleep), I decide to watch the movie – simply don’t want him to wake me up when he finishes watching and comes to bed…
    Am I asking too much if tell him that I’ve been missing and need OUR TIME? Or he is Just Not That Into me and I should start spending my time in a different way, i.e. explain that this doesn’t seem to go anywhere because he simply favours his mates over our relationship and move on? Please, don’t get me wrong, I am sociable and like his family and mates but almost 20 hours with them a day…well…We’ve been together (him, me and his mates of course…) for almost a year; He is 37, his mates between 23 and early 30s. I am 29: live in a big city so would have no problems with meeting someone else: I’m slim, quite fit, good – looking (beautiful, stunning, intelligent, quick-witted, talented I’ve been told, as well), so perhaps it’s time to say ‘Farewell’ to him and move on? The thing is I really Do Care a Lot About Him and I’ve even cut down on my work to be more flexible when it comes to seeing him. Sex-wise: he can last long in bed but caresses are seldom and I sometimes have an impression that all he needs are a pussy and bum and, ideally, another ‘pussy and bum set’ next to him). When I mentioned that I need more affection, more kisses, embraces when we are outside…and OUR TIME together as opposed to HIM, HIS mates and me, he said more than once ‘Don’t give me this b……t’. I guess, I’ve just answered to my questions while writing the letter, haven’t I…? Or should I try to talk to him again?

    Sincerely,

    J.



  327.  #327Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.



  328.  #328Esteemed on October 10, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Hi Rick,

    At this point, if it were me, your actions would speak louder than your words. Are you living separately from your ex? Is the divorce in motion on paper?



  329.  #329Rick on October 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Hi Esteemed:

    The process is the hands of us and the lawyers. We are working out the deatails in an amicable spirit. I
    also live in the downstairs part of our home. So yes,
    we are in the same house for now. However, I live and sleep separate from my wife and have been for 4 years. I felt since my girlfriend was true to me I must do the same. Ricky



  330.  #330Esteemed on October 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Hi Rick,

    If I were in your girlfriend’s position, I would feel iffy abou the relationship if my man were still living in the same house as his ex, even if it is separate. I know cost is often a practical issue…but what are you going to do when your divorce is final? At what point are you going to have a separate life from your ex?

    Outside of having your actions prove your serious intentions to divorce, if I were a girlfriend like that, I would like if my man wined and dined me. I would like to feel respected and honored and valued.

    Hope this helps!



  331.  #331Rick on October 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    October 11, 2011

    Hi Esteemed:

    Thank you again for responding. Yes, as soon as the divorce goes through

    my wife is going to live with her family in another state and I am taking over

    the house. By the way, as far as wining and dining goes I invited my girlfriend

    to a Halloween party at a club/restaurant and she said yes and already ordered

    her costume. I really want to please her and love her. Can I ask you something?

    How do you know the right measure to apply as far as calling her? Asking her out?

    I don’t want to seem needy yet I want her to have her space. Like what is the

    right mixture. I asked her if we could play tennis on Sunday she said yes. But then

    I offered to make pizza for her from scratch at her apartment and watch a movie

    and she said no. What is the right balance for a guy to keep her happy? Just

    looking for help here. Thanks !

    Ricky



  332.  #332Norma on July 8, 2012 at 12:11 am

    Hi I would like to share my story I am uncertain about a decision I have made to getting to know someone who has wanted to be with me,but at the same time he meet another young lady and out of respect we only texted each other never lost touch just a how are you from time to time for ever a year.

    He is such a caring guy and he only wants someone to share his thoughts and his feelings and to be his friend before a relationship occurs I must say we are on the same page,well I am struggle trying to decide when I should talk to him about a health issue I have had for almost three year.

    It is serious iI am really feeling him but I am afraid when I present it to him he may walk away the thing is he promised it didn’t matter what is unless it’s another man,I assured him it wasn’t that,he’s the first guy since I have been like this that has caught my attention I have met some IDIOTS in the last few years never knew their where so many.

    My question to you is should I tell him know or later we have agreed no sex involved just enjoying each others company and seeing where it goes…….



  333.  #333Rori Raye on July 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Norma – I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy – so next time you comment, just use your first name….

    I need to know how old you are – the way you write, you sound as if you’re both in your 70’s or 80’s and believe sex is behind you and unimportant.

    No matter WHAT your age – what you describe is absolutely NOTHING!!! Unless I”m missing something here, you don’t see each other in person, you’re only texting? All he is is a friend – and a long-distance one as it is, and he’s got another woman he’s actually seeing? Or he’s just corresponding with both of you? If so – he’s a pen pal – and you can’t drive him away because you don’t have him close, and if you need someone to talk to about your health issues, as a friend – he’s as good as any. The thing is – he likes leaning on YOUR shoulder – but I don’t know what kind of ear he has for YOUR troubles. Love, Rori



  334.  #334Norma on July 9, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Hi I am sorry you misunderstood me I am 48 an he is 42 we both live in the same city he is no longer with the other women that relationship is over,I actually went to visit him today and had a great time he wants to be more than a friend my only problem is trying to figure out when would an how I will tell him what is wrong.

    My illness has been my biggest problem with trying to date is this so I have put distances when it comes to men. He is the first man I have had any interested in for sometime time. I tested positive for HIV in 2009 so this is my dilemma so I am trying to figure out what would be a good time I am really confused he has told me he really wants to be with me but I feel once I tell him things may change please help!!!!



  335.  #335Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Hi Norma,

    If it were me, I would tell him at a peaceful moment while I was face to face with him. I wouldn’t hold back, even tho I am sure this disease and all its implications are heartbreaking to you.

    FYI, most of us post on the newest thread, found here:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/