The Answer And The Solution Is Always Inside YOU

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singerHere’s a great situation and question to work with from “Crippled By Hurt”:

The Question:

“I too found the love of my life and ruined it. He moved in too fast, right out of another relationship. He was going to find an apartment but everything went so well. I was so happy.

Then we started looking for a house (to rent) together because my apartment was too small for me, him and my teen daughter. We have been together for 8 months. We got a house, that he hates because we had to move fast due to issues with apartment. We had started fighting a lot and he kept saying we moved in too fast.

I had become paranoid, questioning every female friendship, everything he tells me. I am extremely insecure, even though cognitively I know I am attractive and particularly to him. He is still working out practical issues with his soon-to be ex wife and he has a very demanding tech job (works from home). Two weeks after we moved into a home (that I cannot afford alone) he moved out.

We are still together but he said he needed space and was not happy because of all the crazy drama and fighting. He is still paying his portion of the rent. I am devastated. We are seeing each other 3-4 x a week but he lives 45 minutes away in an empty apartment. He has an air mattress, a chair, table and futon. We have a nice home, and we love him. I cannot finish unpacking because I cry. I have read so much of your programs and vow to practice but I end up crying and begging him to come home most of the time which just irritates him.

He says it is possible that he will come home eventually, but things have to change. He says right now we are dating like we should have in the beginning MOVING TOWARD that point instead of starting off like it. We are still sexual and romantic when together, but I miss him so much on a daily basis. I am absolutely crippled by the hurt. He says he loves me every day but I don’t get to talk to him the way I used to.

It is here and there between his work schedule. Nothing like coming home to his sweet face. I feel like I screwed everything up with my insecurity, plus he hates this house, plus he is going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I am this unattractive, needy soul who he wants to love but I just keep pushing him further away.

HELP!!! I am drowning in sorrow, literally. Crippled By Hurt”

My Answer:

Crippled By Hurt – Here’s my take on your situation: Though all of us, when faced with a crisis situation, want to fix it instantly, want to turn it around, want a silver, magic bullet – and tend to ignore the inner work that’s needed to regain our footing and get ourselves into a better space…the only thing that WILL work is the inner work.

In other words – worrying about him, and feeding the flame of your misery and insecurity is only going to make things worse.

Doing the Tools – practicing the ones that work best for you – consistently 24/7 WILL work, because it will change your “vibe.”

When YOU become calmer, can speak when you’re feeling unsettled in a way that doesn’t create drama and arguments, can respect your emotions and yet choose your words and actions – THAT’S when things will get better.

This is all in your hands – and in a way that none of us want to go – into ourselves.

Yet – that’s your ticket.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1BeLoved on April 25, 2013 at 8:03 am

    This reminds me of when an ex and I broke up – I felt crippled by the hurt and cried hour after hour after hour. I would call and beg him to spend some time with me…finally one day he said, flat-out, “WHY? WHY would I want to come spend time with you when you just cry and want to hang on me and cry some more?”

    I was speechless…he had a point 🙂

    I didn’t know then what I know now, so I couldn’t change my vibe.

    Really, when we feel distressed and upset on an ongoing basis and treat others as if we are infants and they are the omnipotent holders of the keys to our happiness and survival, we have to take a look at ourselves and see that our behavior is not getting us what we want and make changes.

    “the only thing that WILL work is the inner work”

    The fact that he still wants to keep seeing her even though he moved out is a GOOD thing. I would hope that CBH could see her way out of the hurt and see that she has a guy who didn’t abandon her physically or financially. I’d feel RELIEVED if I were fighting with someone all of the time and they moved out…plus they still love and want me? AND help out with the rent and not leave me stuck finding another place to live?

    Maybe I’ve lived in my car too many times but dang, this sounds like a sweet deal. Maybe not a perfect, ideal deal, but for what it is, it’s very good.
    I hope that CBH can find a way to feel good about the situation as it is, rather than struggling with trying to make it fit a picture in her mind.

  2.  #2Mercedes on April 25, 2013 at 9:01 am

    This is 100% right in my opinion: “When YOU become calmer, can speak when you’re feeling unsettled in a way that doesn’t create drama and arguments, can respect your emotions and yet choose your words and actions – THAT’S when things will get better.”

    I hate that feeling – “Crippled by hurt” – The words perfectly describe how it feels to have a breaking heart and have to somehow pick yourself up. I hope she can pick herself up soon because what she has is not lost and this man still wants to be with her. He wants her love, he just (most likely) needs to see her be able to take responsibility for her own life and happiness and not need him in order to be a functioning, happy adult.

    But I also know how incredibly hard it is to take that happiness on when nothing in your heart or soul feels joyful.

    🙁 Inner work. So necessary and so hard. But…as Rori says, there is no magic solution or silver bullet. It’s all inner work.

    Beloved: Congratulations on the new addition coming to your family! Love babies!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  3.  #3seahorse on April 25, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Yep,inner work. Always start with ourselves. Just me in my heart, checking it out and seeing what’s in here. It’s HUGE!!! and BEAUTIFUL. That’s my inner work working. Feels so different than before…… here was myself, and then,Rori tools, then crossed over onto a new landscape.

    I was in a pharmacy waiting yesterday, looking around checking it out. I looked at some magnets and the first one I read had me laughing out loud and patting myself on the back for ‘look for the signs’. It said, ” Let go, or be dragged……….” OMG!!!!! Perfect timing as usual!!! Loved that! I go back to read now. Blessings sweet sirens

  4.  #4Femininewoman on April 25, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Oh yes

  5.  #5Lisa on April 25, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Question: Is cooking dinner for “M” after he came to my house to work in the yard… for free … giving? Would it be better to just Thank him and receive… graciously…tell him happy I feel… I know I’m working on “not doing” … just not sure where the line is…

  6.  #6Mercedes on April 25, 2013 at 9:31 am

    I’m doing a Theme Observation today. The theme for the day is “What are the Blessings in My Life?” I have a notebook that I will carry with me all day and write down every blessing I see/hear/feel in my life as the day unfolds. It’s about noticing the little things…

    So far, even with work, I’ve discovered nine blessings to my day.

    I like this exercise. 🙂 I might do another theme for tomorrow. Theme for tomorrow could be “Recognizing and Removing Tension in My Body”. An observation of every time I feel tension whether that be gripping the toothbrush too hard or neck tension from working on the computer or clenching my teeth. Write the tension then write what I did to relieve it. Sounds like it could be a really cool thing…and probably make the body feel so much better. Hmmm…maybe I should save that one for Monday…

    Much Love,

  7.  #7Mercedes on April 25, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Lisa: Were you planning on eating anyway? If so then I see no reason why you wouldn’t ask a man to stay and join you for dinner. 🙂

    Much Love,

  8.  #8Dominique on April 25, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Lisa – 5- If you feel like doing this, and it’s from your heart, not from obligation, not with an expectation, then yes it would be a lovely gesture.


  9.  #9Femininewoman on April 25, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Lisa – giving back.

  10.  #10Dominique on April 25, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Miss M- Tension shows up everywhere, even lying down when you think you’re all relaxed. Go in deeply with this. I wish you had some of the meditations and instruction from my program. I spend a lot of time with this one, for I think it’s crucial for good and long lasting healing and thus feeling good, happy. It allow for that open heart and mind I talk so much about.


  11.  #11Mercedes on April 25, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Dominique: That’s exactly why I think it would be a good Theme Observation for my notebook. Recognizing it continuously throughout the day. I also do a lot of meditations to relax the body from head to toe with long and directed (pointedly directed) focus on each part of the body including the “little things” like eyebrows and behind my ears. Those are amazing meditations and are a regular part of my practice. Writing down the tensions and the specific steps to relieve continuously throughout the day would be new for me though. I’ve never spent a day recording it. Could be interesting…

    Much Love,

  12.  #12Indigo on April 25, 2013 at 9:47 am


    For me the key, when it comes to giving to another person or giving back, is how do I feel about it?

    Does it make me feel joyful and light of spirit? Because then I would say, it’s an excellent time to give, because you are giving to the other person and to yourself, it creates a beautiful feedback where no resentment is possible.

    If I am doing it out of obligation, as Dominique says, I would be hesitant.

    When it comes to giving to other people, including men, as much as possible I look for a feeling of absolute joy in the giving, because then I can do it with pure enjoyment. For instance, I absolutely adore cooking. So for me, if I’m cooking anyway, and the man gets to enjoy the overflow, then this is wonderful. Washing the dishes is not something I’d offer to do though :/ lol

    If anything about it doesn’t feel “right”, I probably wouldn’t do it.

  13.  #13Lisa on April 25, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Wow! thanks everyone! I love to cook and I love to give.. I don’t ever expect anything in return…. I just have been told I give too much… but this feels right since we have to eat anyways… and he did come over and help me… I’m learning.. Yay!


  14.  #14Elizabeth on April 25, 2013 at 10:10 am

    This is my first post on the blog and I would just like to start out by saying that Rori’s programs have been such a blessing in my life. I have been listening for about 2 months now and I am making great strides in listening to and expressing my feelings, which I have never done before. I have been “leaning back” for about the last 12 years of my life and I have seen how doing that brings men toward you. However, I am dealing with a situation where I don’t know what to do?

    My main question is, what do you do if you are the one that ended the relationship and hurt the other person? What if you pushed them away so many times that they finally gave up? Now that I have learned to listen to my heart and my feelings, I realize how wrong I was but I don’t know if its okay to tell him how I feel. We were together about 4 and 1/2 years and were engaged. I ended our daily contact about 1 year ago – will emailing and telling him how I feel push him away further? My heart hurts so badly that he is gone forever and most of the blame is mine. I was trying to please other people instead of myself. Now, he’s in an on-again, off-again relationship with a girl that I know is not faithful to him. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

  15.  #15seahorse on April 25, 2013 at 10:21 am

    i read back and so much to say I’m vibrating!!! Breathe,concentrate seahorse. It felt so… opening…..comforting……. nodding my head yes….. relaxing to read. Pleased and happy. Welcoming to new sirens. Ohhhh you all sound(read) so lovely to my eyes and ears…..hahahahahaa…Thank you Sirens. It’s so exquisite how it all works together that I feel humbled by it all. Such marvelous personal work by us all, I feel very grateful to be alive for this. Thank you Sirens

  16.  #16Liquid Light on April 25, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Such marvelous personal work by us all, I feel very grateful to be alive for this.

    Thanks for this, seahorse…I feel happy and grateful too!

  17.  #17ALA on April 25, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    The inner work can feel so daunting. Like I have so much work to do. Getting there is done so gradually, in ity-bity, tiny, baby step increments Yet, when I look back to where I was just a month ago I’ve made some significant milestones.

    Yesterday I noticed that I’m hardly triggered when I see D on another website. I can let it go and not even respond… unless he says something mean about me.

    He said something mean this morning…

    I want to get to a place that I dont even want to look to see what he says.

    After I saw what he said I sent him an email that told him how it feels, without any drama. And asked him if he could “help” me not feel that way any more.

    I’ve let it go… into the ethers, without any expectations. He either will stop if he wants to or not. That’s his choice.

    I know he’s not responsible for the way I feel. That’s the only part I questioned after I sent it.

    The rest of it I feel pretty sireny about!… and noticing this shift in my reactions is what I’m most proud of. Yay! (((me)))

  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on April 25, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I’m reminded of the wise words of Caitlin Moran, British columnist and best seller author:

    “You can always tell when a woman is with the wrong man, because she has so much to say about the fact that nothing’s happening.”
    ~ Caitlin Moran


  19.  #19Indigo on April 25, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Senior Lady Vibe 17

    I love that! For me, the kind of contentment I want is where I have to say very little, it just radiates out 🙂

  20.  #20Senior Lady Vibe on April 25, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    @18: Indigo



  21.  #21Mercedes on April 25, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    SLV: I love it when I see you here. 🙂 Hope life is treating you with amazingly fabulous blessings!

    Much Love,

  22.  #22Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    testing? my posts dont seem to be showing up..

  23.  #23Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Oooh this is what happened to me but in reverse. Moved in together after 6 months, he moved out after 2 months but it was because of HIS crippling insecurity. Thankfully he moved into my place and we didn’t get a place together so I was able to just get rid of all the things that reminded me of him being there and go back to how things were.

    It has been a week since I’ve had contact with him, which is the longest it’s been since he left two months ago. There’s that part of me who still (out of habit I know) wonders if I need “closure”… and wants to reach out and ask “are we definitely over? is there any chance?” but thanks to this forum I can really listen to the part of me that KNOWS… that says “if he was willing and capable of making this work, he WOULD reach out. he’d ask how I am. he’d initiate some kind of contact”. And so very slowly, I’m learning to really trust that part of me.

    It’s so hard, and so unlike how I’ve been. It is so difficult to change old habits and patterns, even though I KNOW they’re negative and bad. Why is this? I am just going to give myself a big hug and keep moving forward and leave him in his dead end doing what he is doing.

    Yesterday was the first time I actually gave myself a big hug like Rori suggests. I cannot believe how comforting and good it feels.

    I also had all my hair chopped off…. from just below my shoulder to up around my chin 🙂

  24.  #24Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Oooh this is what happened to me but in reverse. Moved in together after 6 months, he moved out after 2 months but it was because of HIS crippling insecurity.

  25.  #25Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    It has been a week since I’ve had contact with him, which is the longest it’s been since he left two months ago. There’s that part of me who still (out of habit I know) wonders if I need “closure”… and wants to reach out and ask “are we definitely over? is there any chance?” but thanks to this forum I can really listen to the part of me that KNOWS… that says “if he was willing and capable of making this work, he WOULD reach out. he’d ask how I am. he’d initiate some kind of contact”. And so very slowly, I’m learning to really trust that part of me.

    It’s so hard, and so unlike how I’ve been. It is so difficult to change old habits and patterns, even though I KNOW they’re negative and bad. Why is this? I am just going to give myself a big hug and keep moving forward and leave him in his dead end doing what he is doing.

  26.  #26Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Something weird going on with posting today. Can’t seem to post anything that goes beyond a couple of paragraphs.

    Just wanting to say that it’s been a week since I’ve had contact with the ex, and though part of me is desperate to reach out, thanks to this forum I know that if he was willing and capable of having a relationship with me, HE would contact me. So, just going to keep sitting on my hands.

  27.  #27Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Something weird going on with posting today. Can’t seem to post anything that goes beyond a few lines of text.

  28.  #28Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Just wanting to say that it’s been a week since I’ve had contact with the ex, and though part of me is desperate to reach out, thanks to this forum I know that if he was willing and capable of having a relationship with me, HE would contact me. So, just going to keep sitting on my hands.

  29.  #29Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Just wanting to say that it’s been a week since I’ve had contact with the ex, and though part of me is desperate to reach out.

  30.  #30Liquid Light on April 25, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    I am grateful for:

    * my father’s visit this weekend… It will be just the two of us having a father/daughter weekend together 🙂
    * my health
    * my job
    * the incredibly beautiful weather and stunning natural beauty surrounding me
    * my gorgeous niece and nephew

    How about you?

  31.  #31Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    I know from this forum if he was willing and capable, he’d reach out to me.

  32.  #32Zia on April 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    I think I’m going to give up on posting for today!!

  33.  #33Jessie1000 on April 25, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    OHHH when I read about the girl crippled with hurt, I so know that feeling! And the feeling of self blame rather than external blame. I would always think omg Im stupid, I picked wrong, I am not pretty, I need to try more…instead of the opposite…now I can really see how the men fall short in making something comfy for me and not getting lost in self blame and self degridation every time a man decided to book. Some men book, they run, fly, walk, cheat their way away from all women. Some men do not. Those are the ones I value. Those are the ones that I make sure I get dressed up for, check my make up for, make sure my phone is close by so I can hear their call. The rest, I dont have any time for….its sooo freeing!! Way less pain and way less tears!! Getting rid of the duds early on too by not texting, not chasing, not rewarding!!! the ones that are not commitment worthy, helps so much too!!! I keep connected to everyone…but I INVEST with the good guys, the ones that really like me, and the ones that know how to be gentlemen!!! Thanks rori

  34.  #34Syreena on April 25, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Rori says.
    “Doing the Tools – practicing the ones that work best for you – consistently 24/7 WILL work, because it will change your “vibe.”

    Also in a previous post said about someones vibe being able change but that their energy would be the same.

    Is anyone able to help me understand the difference that is mean’t between vibe and energy?

    I do have a suit yourself attitude with most people. Is vibe the same as attitude then as in I dot try and coerce, convince in most cases.?
    And if so what is then the difference re energy?

    Where it feels difficult is if I feel bonded/attached so if I sleep with a man I do have a different vibe once I have slept with them. Surely we are supposed to have a different vibe once we sleep with them aren’t we?

    I personally would not be able to still sleep with a man if he had chosen to go live somewhere else. I would feel the need to detach and pull right back to get a clearer perspective and not feel like freaking out.
    He walked away and walked out, So there is just no way I would personally be able to sleep with him, whilst he was making his mind up.

  35.  #35Lisa on April 25, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Wow such great posts! I love this group! I’m trying to keep up… lots of growth happening… It’s just beautiful to watch everyone’s growth!

    I’m so grateful for whomever ( I can’t find the post number) of the person that posted Rori’s letter to the girl who punished herself and was accident prone… that was my life story.. always having accidents… that brought so much healing to me when I read it.. I was at my ropes end this week, and thanks to this groups support I rode the pain out.. cried it out… and On our date “M” brought up the subject of marriage… OH I was so surprised.. he said ” I don’t want to lose you” Gosh… and he discussed “what we are” to him is pre-engagement now.. He said he had been working on the “spend the weekend together” thing.. ( no way I was to know that b/c he didn’t tell me.. ) and it will be next weekend.. shocker for me.. that all I needed to do is pull back.. tune into myself.. and let the emotional stuff go ( boy was it painful but I did it) … and wait.. He showed up.. loving me and telling me “I’m it” and he has NO doubts.. I think I’m still a little in shock.. really… how my deep work this week has just changed everything.. I’ve been watching my motives and I pull back when I realize I have one… its fantastic.. Oh I told him that I feel sad.. when I don’t feel the relationship is moving forward..( not my exact words.. it was last night) this was after he brought up the subject..( all that worry about how to say it and he brought it up) he said Ok! I’m taking the lead..

    I’ll try and catch up with the posts tomorrow..
    Night to all <3

  36.  #36Zia on April 25, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    I’m going to try one more time…

    It’s been a week since i’ve had contact with the ex. There’s that part of me, the bad habits and negative relationship patterns that still is desperate to reach out, ask him is it definitely over? do we still have a chance?

    But thanks to this blog and forum, I am paying more attention to the part of me (that’s always been there), that says “if he was willing and capable of a relationship with you, he’d reach out to you in some way”. So, I will continue to sit on my hands and move forward, stay on my bridge.

    I now really need to focus on DOING things that make me happy. I’ve been struggling emotionally the past week or two, especially with letting go.. with so much stuff coming up and learning how to feel it, let it out, love it. And now I feel like I’m ready to start doing stuff and get myself back into my life.

  37.  #37prplpsn28 on April 25, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I lost everyone lol. Nothing was showing up on my phone. On computer now…gonna go back and catch up.

    Haven’t heard from H since yesterday afternoon. Still trying to understand why this happens but according to a few on here it’s normal. So…ok. Leaning back.

  38.  #38Vi on April 25, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    I feel sad today. I know it is going to feel better once I feel it through. Yay to sadness!

  39.  #39seahorse on April 25, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Vi- I feel in agreement with that!
    Sometimes sadness feels good,okay. I can feel it creep up in different ways, till I pay attenetion. Then when I do and let it be with me in total, it doesn’t feel so bad. Almost like, well hi there sadness…… you need a hug? maybe a cry? and then I cry. It feels so much better afterwards. The dog is so much cuter. Blanket is softer and isn’t my bed just the most beautiful place to lay my body……. and on and on. Everything is more after a cry. I absolutely love being female.

  40.  #40seahorse on April 25, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I feel at peace with my decision to not follow through with the craziness of the money part of my divorce. I’m going to be careful, but no more crazy chess like moves trying to find where the money went. I don’t care now. I remembered who I am! I so rock! Life is not that way,, it’s my way! Loving and happy mostly. It really doesn’t take a lot for me to happy. I don’t get bored, ‘outside’ is really the best place to be for me and I live in a great place for outside fun year round.

    No more control over seahorse…… no bridle or bit. I am free. And seahorse and her colt race down into their valley and live happily ever after………………Until one day a magnificent stallion rides into the magic valley…………. heheheehehehe!!! Sleep sweet sirens!!!

  41.  #41Millie on April 25, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    @Lisa–that’s so great! I’m happy for you 🙂

  42.  #42overandoverandover on April 25, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Hi everyone. I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong, but i wanted to post my question and don’t know where. Please redirect me if I’m in the wrong place!

    I’m a single mom, at age 35 I have a 10 year old. I share him part time with his dad.

    Eight months ago I met a younger man, 28, and we started to date. From the beginning he told me he was not interested in a relationship. He just moved here from another country and from another long relationship. Yet, from the beginning he acted as if we were in something exclusive. On the weeks I could see him we were together almost every day. He texted a lot and truly treated me kindly. As time progressed I began to ask about our status, confirmed we were monogamous, and tried to see what he was feeling. This was all through a series of conversations.

    4 months ago things came to a head. He’d made plans to meet my son and then completely stood us up (thankfully I hadn’t mentioned anything about it to my kid). Needless to say I spoke my mind and expressed in a letter what I understood from his perspective, what hurt, and what I needed. He came over and broke up with me claiming that he wasn’t sure how he felt about me and didn’t want to waste my time.

    However, the next day we were back together. (I had been pathetic and begged.) He came back. He admitted to having freaked out. He claimed it was all a huge mistake. We agreed that things were good, so why walk away?

    Over the next four months things really began to evolve. He was openly calling me his girlfriend (something he’d shied away from previously), had my picture on his phone, and little gestures that really seemed to show he was feeling something for me. He was cool with being in a relationship and even came with me to my friend’s house who also have children. We were still only seeing one another every other week, because he was not ready to meet my child though. I understand the fear and respect it.

    When we were together everything was awesome. I’ve never been in a relationship so full of laughing, fun, and a feeling I could be completely myself. On the weeks we were not together he would call once or twice and text a few times, but party a lot. This in combination with an uncertainty of our future ( + wanting to at least have a hint it was going somewhere- I have a kid after all!) made me feel edgy and insecure.

    Finally, the other day as our week came to a close I addressed my insecurities. First by acting suspicious and jealous (- stupid), then by rationally explaining where I was coming from. I asked if he could one day foresee meeting my son. His answer mirrored what it was four months ago, that he still doesn’t know how he feels about me and is thus not ready to meet him. He expressed that he feared wasting my time. He likes me and likes being with me, but doesn’t know beyond that. “You deserve better”. – c’mon.

    It broke my heart. It confuses me. He seems like he likes me a lot and I have always maintained that if we’re good day to day we should just see how it unfolds, but can you at least envision maybe one day meeting my kid?

    He left.

    The next day, I was walking with my son and by a complete coincidence (thank you, Universe!) we bumped into him. It blew my mind. He introduced himself to my son. It was so lovely and easy, but with a painful underlayer of that horrible sad awkwardness of we-just-broke-up-yesterday (for-crying-out-loud). We chatted. He said he had something of mine to give back and said “I’ll see you later.” Pathetically I asked, “will you?” He affirmed and walked away.

    I’ve heard nothing. It’s only been 4 days but… it’s been the most painfully long four days ever.

    Do I call? Do I wait? Do I apologize?

    I’m in that cycle of “this is what I did wrong” “I was asking too much” “I was pushing him” “I was needy”.

    It sucks. It hurts. Will I hear from him?

    I believe I will. I want you to tell me that too.


  43.  #43k2012 on April 25, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    Wow, things are moving too fast around here. New post already. I have to catch up on the last thread since as I finish reading on here. Sorry for the hurt the lady above is. Going through. Hope things will get better for her. My sister overseas just told me today that she is going to introduce a guy to me who has similar nationality to myself. He sounds interesting so I will see if he call. Seems like I am meeting pure overseas guys. I wonder why. Hairdresser/relationship and spiritual coach warned me to stay away from long distance. We will see what happens though. But it occurred to me that why can’t I meet someone here in my country, even if I am planning to migrate. Everyone from the last couple of times is long distance. I am not going out as I want to because of work which consumes me so much, with one deadline after another. But even if I don’t get to go the park and other places, why can’t I just meet other persons as I go about my regular business.

  44.  #44Vi on April 25, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Awww Seahorse, thank you so much for your comment, it feels so good to read, I feel so warm in my heart.

  45.  #45k2012 on April 25, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Comments on what I posted above are welcome as usual. I have a deadline (yeah what’s new) and I am struggling to sit up. I had to get up and drink something hot. My workload will soon be reduced, shortly for a few months. I look forward to that.

  46.  #46PrettyFish on April 25, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Thank you for this post;

    WE both decided to call it quites a week ago; thanks to your tools Rori Raye
    I feel I have my dignity;

    it was a combination of him moving in too soon, us having to move sountries, me leaving behind a dysfunctional post-grad school project, changing countries, plus my issues of past-molestation kept coming up;
    it happened to me 3 times in the last year, first when I was 12,
    and when it happend at his work place which we live at, I felt completely thrown off and unsafe and wanted to leave and I started blaming him for not standing up for me and feeling rage at myself for not speaking up on the spot and instead shutting down and playing nice (I did that for the 3 times it happened with familiar people; 4 times with strangers I ran or yelled and made a poilice report)

    What is wrong with me? I could never answer what was it on my forehead or back that was written :It is ok to touch this one without permission”.

    He is a peaceful person and would have gone with me to confront the guy but I felt so low about myself that I belived nobody would belive me and that I would be ridiculed. So for months I pushed against him, so many times I felt victimised, even though I knew it was a confidence an self-esteem thing,
    in my being I felt bullied and victimised and I felt ashamed and angry and I turned against my REALLY GOOD MAN.

    He called it quites last Saturday and I have been Staying on my horse and feeling happy we even go to chat real nice and understand each other after I STOPPED and changed my vibe

    this is because my friend made me promise not to get down on myself; he also told me I had to be kind to myself. It may feel too ‘late’ but I have been kind to myself for 5 days and my vibe feels different. I feel acceptance and heavy sadness and also very light and jubilant looking forward to doing what I need to do with loving myself.

    I need to do EFT for my trauma issues but need someone to guide me.

    We still love each other, and I feel his care for me and I feel sorry to see him so exhausted by me but not beating myself up, but feel appreciaiton for his efforts.

    I am moving to a friend’s place this weekend.

    I said I feel for him and would prefer not to be in much contact because I don’t want to feel like I am left hanging.

    I hpe we can get back together but the only thing that feels truly right is when I focus on my insides like you said Rori and be kind to myself, and it feels weird not controlling the outcome cos I want to make him fall for me and be a new beginning for us but I know that is my head working,

    I feel I have no answers except to love myself;

    I would like more guidance on how to see and treat this please, I would really appreciate to know if I am moving in the right direction.

    He must be so used to me speaking first that now if I keep quiet between us the silence feels bursting; a few times he spoke first.

    Rori I think with him I suceeded in the first few rules like lean back ,but slowly my heart was closed when he did show up and I feel sorry. I now see that I leant back with expectation and felt annoyed when it wasn’t what I wanted. I feel sad and lost but I had felt real angry and lonely with feeling like I was worth less than this place when he refudsed to move when I expressed I felt really unsafe and in danger. He believed that I would make the same drama again somewhere else. I felt so angry to feel like I was wrong for those things happening to me because I never invited it

  47.  #47BeLoved on April 25, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    So I want to riff, and I do want to hear what y’all think…

    a conversation with OMcd tonight got me to thinking that…I really do want something like this in the context of a loving relationship. It does create a false sense of intimacy, and I’m okay with it for now, AND I know I want to do things differently when I move….

    More and More I’m putting together pieces and remembering things about T that made our relationship not fun for me in the past –
    sex was a HUGE point of contention. Sex is really important to me, and I felt like the burden of our sex life being any good was always on me, that he was very very resistant to taking any responsibility for being a better lover.

    This still *seems* to be true.

    Something else I’m remembering, is that T has always been very very very good at telling me what I want to hear, but very thin on the action.

    I have seen nothing in the past 5 years since we shifted to ‘friendship’ mode, that leads me to believe he has made any significant changes as far as stepping up sexually goes. And I will tell you, there is just about nothing about his sex life I do not know.

    Honestly, I don’t believe he has it in him.
    I have said, I really want a man who rows the boat, and he has said, I really want something where we take turns rowing…which, I could deal with, except I’m coming up empty thinking of when he ever actually has rowed the boat.

    Maybe I am feeling impatient, maybe I am snapping to reality and integrating conflicting aspects, but I do notice I’m feeling angry.

    I do feel angry with myself, for being so impulsive and bringing up the marriage conversation first, so I will never know.
    I feel like I’ve given myself over too easily…
    He was willing to help financially, some day, in the future, but when he thought it meant getting me in to his bed sooner, all of the sudden he was wanting to buy me a plane ticket.

    I feel confused because he wanted to buy me a 1-way ticket, and I still am not sure what he had in mind, and he’s working on a coding deadline so we’ll have more time to talk about it this weekend.

    I feel annoyed that he wanted to buy me a plane ticket, when what I was asking for was getting help moving and packing (he knows and is on good terms with a lot more people in my area than I am).

    I feel angry, and like I don’t even want to give him a chance because for f*cks sake, he’s had 5 years to learn more about his sexuality and it’s been a topic of discussion all this time and oh now I’m remember how when I lived in Seattle he kept insisting that he was going to be a big part of the community and take the sacred sexuality courses and never did….feeling huffy.

    So, the only way I can go into this is to find a way to forgive everything from the past, and I feel like I need to be very very careful of not falling into comfortable old patterns, and level the playing field and he needs to win me over, just like anyone else.
    I honestly don’t think he’ll put the effort into it.
    Which is okay with me,
    I think maybe after all these years we just need to know this, or maybe I’m the one who needs to appreciate what we have but not try to make it fit just because it’s been so enduring.

    and maybe I’m just getting twisted and impatient.
    No, I don’t think so, actually.
    I’m feeling strong (and maybe a little dismissive).

    In other news, stuff is shifting at work and it’s interesting.
    I feel the ache in my heart from the change, and I know it’s good and right.
    We’ve got new co-workers, who are open and bright and friendly and transparent.
    C, seems to be clinging desperately to his self image as the ‘hustler’ who is in control, but he clearly isn’t.
    K has been sitting with him the in morning, she is like a mother to him and my heart just breaks feeling how much love she really has for him, and how much he really needs her.
    I’ve been sitting with the other guys, who have been really surprising me. I was voicing my concerns about moving, and B steps up “Do you need me to hug you? And tell you I love you? And that I love you no matter what?” and he came and hugged me and I was like, yes, YES YES all of it YES thank you YES that’s exactly what I need!!
    He’s been as sweet as can be, and saying over and over, “I love you no matter what you decide”. Total surprise.
    D has also been softening up so much, I told him I really appreciated him changing the water, while looking softly into his eyes, and he melted a little 🙂 I really meant it, too, I wasn’t just trying to butter him up. I’m feeling so much more appreciation for men.
    It feels so sweet to play dominoes with DA, I used to think he didn’t like playing with me as much as with C because C is high drama and more fun, but I really feel him and there is this deep feeling of flow, and sweetness, and gentle playfulness, even when we are snarking the heck out of each other, and I feel really really loved.

  48.  #48Zia on April 26, 2013 at 2:31 am

    I haven’t been able to post a comment from my computer all day! Has anyone else experienced this? Was going to post that I’ve made it through a whole week without contacting my ex… It was a rough week for me emotionally, and my old relationship pattern/habit self wanted so desperately to reach out and ask”is it over? Do we still have a chance?” But I listened to the me (who’s always been there) that said”if he was willing and capable of resuming the relationship with you, he would let you know”.

    Then this afternoon I heard from him about coming to pick up some of his stuff that’s still at my house and I was hugely triggered.. Did some tapping and am feeling calm now. Did the rori tools to open my heart and respond simply but with no anger and left it at that. I think it will be difficult to see him tomorrow but a good test. Wish me luck…

    I hope it doesn’t unravel me…

  49.  #49Luzydel on April 26, 2013 at 4:32 am

    So it happened again! CaptainCD is distancing… three month mark. So I feel angry and frustrated, but I am not going to reach out. Just updated my POF so I can go on other dates. I deleted his number so I do not feel tempted. Sometimes men frustrate me. I have been the more authentic, woman, mermaid me. Men are the ones who have issues not me.

    Some men just like the toxicity in a relationship or they will get bored…

  50.  #50prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Luzydel…I know the feeling. H is distancing himself again too. After an awesome night this past Tuesday. I feel myself unraveling. I’m really tired of this. But I won’t reach out either. I absolutely agree with you…men are the ones with issues not us! I thought I could do this but now not so sure. At this point I really feel like walking away and saying screw it.

  51.  #51Lisa on April 26, 2013 at 5:35 am

    @ Millie Aww thanks!

    @ Vi Sending you {{{ Hugs }}}} sadness can feel good, and right.. I agree..

    @Luzydel yes, I agree some men like distant women b/c then they don’t have intimacy. some are looking for toxicity.. some are looking for mothers… I tend to attract mama’s boys. LOL! Sending you lots of happy dating energy.. go girl!

    @purple 41 I think I get like that sometimes too and it feels empowering..

  52.  #52Kath on April 26, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Oh can I relate to this!
    Me and my guy had the worst fight ever last weekend and after two years nearly ended it. He’s accused me of having too much anger and not being able to control my temper. I accused him of constantly talking about his wife and marriage (even though they’ve been apart for 7yrs). Its been an awful time and I felt my world fall apart when he said he didn’t have any confidence in our relationship. There has been no tenderness or affection for some time and so I go needy and lacking in confidence thinking that he no longer loves me. He says he does love me but that he can’t handle my temper or the way it makes him feel. I just want to be loved by him and I don’t think I am. I’m trying to stand back and look inside me and I know I need to regroup-its so hard sometimes when all you want to do is throw your arms around him.

  53.  #53prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 6:10 am

    I’m constantly feeling like our time together is when HE has the time, when it’s convenient for HIM, when HE feels like contacting me. I’m tempted to not even respond to him the next time he does contact me. This wknd my kids our with their dad and this would have been our wknd for time together, but I’m not so sure I want it at this point. The way I’m feeling right now I surely would not have the “correct” vibe. I know many people on here have said that it’s not uncommon at all to not have contact for a couple, even a few, days. But it drives me crazy. The leaning back and letting him initiate contact makes me feel like everything is being done on HIS time frame. Wouldn’t it seem to him then that I’m waiting for him?

  54.  #54Lisa on April 26, 2013 at 6:25 am

    @ purple I totally have felt that way too… but then we he shows up… it is on my terms…my time frame. Not in a controlling way. Just in a way that feels right to me. I’ve made plans before when he hasn’t been clear he wanted to see me.. then I would say, I didn’t know you wanted to see me, I made other plans… and I went and had a great time. I don’t feel obligated to return his calls immediately either. I take my time and take care of me and my feelings. It did feel like he was in control until I decided that I was going to take my power back. He knows now that if he doesn’t make plans to see me in advance, I’ll make other plans…

  55.  #55Linda on April 26, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Oh Dear! This post makes me feel like… OH slow your roll! There is absolutely no reason to move so fast. After the things I encountered and he issues I have had with my last two relationships, I decided that I will NEVER live with another man again. I simply will not rearrage, change, give up any of the things I have worked so hard to establish for myself. It does not feel like I would be taking good careful care of myself and looking out for my best welfare .

    FavoriteCD and I shared our attitudes about living together, marriage etc when we first met. In fact one of the first things I made clear was that I was looking for marriage again someday and not a living arrangement. He said he never wanted to be in a situation again where he was told to “GET OUT” again. He asked me the other day if I would ever “live” with him, I said “nope, not without a ring on each of our fingers”. He just winked at me and kissed me .

    It feels okay to take it one day at a time, with no expectations. I dont need a place to live, or feel a need to change it.

  56.  #56Vi on April 26, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Lisa and Seahourse thank you for offering and sending hugs, I feel soft and beam-y as if I was given a bunch of tulips.. 🙂

  57.  #57Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Yehaw!!!!! Yayy to you Linda!!! 🙂 🙂

  58.  #58Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 6:48 am

    K2012: I think you’re not meeting men through your regular daily life because you are so busy. When we are busy, we are focused and driven and not able to slow down, look around and be open. The men who see you in this frame of mind aren’t seeing someone approachable maybe. Not positive, but that could be it. I know when I am extra busy and moving fast all the time, even J isn’t as affectionate. Something to consider anyway.

    Speaking of going 100mph….Beloved…you sound like you are too (at least in your mind). Lots of trying to figure out what will happen and what should happen and what it was like and what it will be like. I’d encourage you to slow down as well…whatever feels right (really feels right in your heart, not in your mind or your memories or the stories you are telling yourself about the future)…will guide you. Take a deep breath…relax…there’s no rush here, right? I mean if you are making a life changing move you certainly have the time to be sure about it before you leap. Maybe you want to take your time with this and really understand how you’re feeling and what it is that YOU want for YOUR life…regardless if a man is willing to change or become better for you.

    Much Love,

  59.  #59Kath on April 26, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Oh Linda,

    I am so with you!- That’s what I said to myself after my last relationship ended badly. When I met my guy I was in such a different place, so confident about me and what I wanted and how I wanted things to be and when he said he felt as madly in love with me as I did with him, it was wonderful. I did get swept off my feet- but then reality has well and truly hit me living here and seeing what I wanted slowly slipping away or being put on hold because we have no money and feeling that all my hard earned money is being ploughed into saving a place that isn’t even mine!!!- It doesn’t feel like my home, it feels like I’m the cleaner in somebody else’s and its horrible!- I just want to be in my home, our home!- and in the mean time we have totally lost our connection!- Its so sad!- I need help ladies- I feel so so sad.

  60.  #60Lisa on April 26, 2013 at 6:55 am

    @ Linda
    I hear you!!! I’m the same way… for the past 15 years I swore I’d never marry again. Then I started to think about what you just said. I have my own home and love it.. I’m not moving… he can, but I don’t ever want to be in a living together situation again! “M” said to me the other night. I’m thinking of moving away and getting another house, I will keep one here too.. I’ll come by and pick you up and we can fly to Hawaii. I NO! he why, I said it’s full time or NO time. I don’t do part time. He smiled and said well I’ll have to marry you then b/c I don’t want to loose you! I think there is a lot to be said for standing your ground and meaning it. Which I did… and so did you… taking is slow is good for me… that way I can decide if it is really Right for me…

    Thanks for sharing!

  61.  #61prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 7:04 am

    I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride. Things are up, then things are down. Up down up down. I would just like to be on level ground. A few on here have said that what H has said to me indicates that we are in a committed exclusive relationship. But sometimes I wonder. Ugh!

  62.  #62Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:27 am


  63.  #63Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Can You Train a Clueless or Difficult Man to Be Affectionate, Loving and Kind
    written by Rori Raye
    Monday, 19 April 2010

    Okay – most men are not the high quality you want and deserve. And what I mean by that is a man who calls, who’s generous to you, who’s kind, attentive, affectionate, straight-forward, accepting of you and himself and who genuinely wants a lifelong commitment with you and deals with his fear around it in order to be with you.

    The easiest way, as Evan Marc Katz talks about in his newest blog video…is to simply not allow men who AREN’T like that into your life. That’s where Circular Dating works its magic – you have so many men around you there’s no need to hang onto any one who isn’t stepping up.

    But what if you’ve just found me – and you’re already IN a relationship with a man who isn’t doing “the job.” Who ISN’T calling you. Isn’t generous. Isn’t affectionate and attentive and headed for commitment. Can you change that around?

    The easy answer is “forget it” – just give him the “no boyfriend speech,” Circular Date – and see what he and all the other men you’re going to let into your heart do.

    But you don’t always want to hear that.

    Sometimes you want to “work” the relationship you’re in. Sometimes you really believe your man is a diamond in the rough and that you can be the one to sparkle him up.

    Once you’re invested in a man – it’s hard to just “let go” and “move on” and all those clever things I could say – so let’s talk here about rescuing your investment.

    I’m going to take this through the Seven Steps in my Commitment Blueprint program – short version – with some extra thoughts:

    1: Understand that the dynamic between you – the “Energy Exchange” – is completely reversed, and that it’s up to you to change it to the way it needs to be, so that HE and his energy are always coming towards YOU.

    Step 2: Stop What Isn’t Working. Step back. Turn around. Stop Overfunctioning. Strip away all your giving, “picking up the slack,” and Leaning Forward. Stop talking. Stop Discussing. Stop Negotiating. Just stop whatever you’ve been doing that isn’t working.

    Step 3: Be an Invitation. Open up your heart. Speak in Feeling Messages.

    Step 4: Process your Emotions – they’re going to show up inside you the moment you start doing step 2 and 3 – this is the emotional healing part!…

    Step 5: Fall in love with Yourself. Date Yourself. Get focused on YOU – even if it feels “selfish” to you. Without this step, you will get nowhere.

    Step 6: Circular Date. Take all my Tools out into the field, practice on every man you see and meet and talk to. don’t get exclusively involved if you haven’t already, and consider stopping the exclusivity even if you’re invested in a man. This is your most powerful leveraging point for doing all the other steps – it will beef you up inside.

    Step 7: This is about shifting your own vibe, not about getting him to do something.

    Thank him when he does something you like. Appreciate him no matter what. Loving him and allowing him to treat you poorly are two very different things. Accept him no matter what – even when he behaves badly – but DO NOT ACCEPT OR TOLERATE BAD OR NEGLECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOU.

    Here’s the extra thoughts: If he behaves in a way you don’t like – not calling, not being affectionate, so many other possibilities – the entire relationship dynamic has to be healed. You can’t heal all that by trying to get more affection this one time. If he’s being cold to you in bed…you will not get anywhere complaining.

    So – what does not tolerating in this scenario look like?

    ***You could get up and go read in the living room. You could get dressed and go out, even in the middle of the night. You could just start crying right there and let him deal with it or not (he’ll likely say to be quiet, he needs to sleep if he’s a sub-par man). You could shake him and wake him and THROW HIM out of bed, saying you can’t sleep, it feels too cold, and if it’s not going to be warm and affectionate and honest (I mean, what’s up with all the coldness, anyway? you could always ask…) you’d rather sleep alone.

    You’ve got lots of options. Laying there in bed, putting your hand over his back and trying to sleep and get through it is likely your worst option – because it’s the useless one you’ve been using.

    So – if you’re already invested in a relationship and in a man, I want you to (while you’re gearing up to really Circular Date, which will give you so much new, helpful energy:

    1. Write a list of things you’re tolerating and accepting that don’t feel good.

    2. Now – next to, or under each item in your list – write down how you’ve been handling the item when it shows up, and write some NEW ways to handle it!

    Ways that would shake everything up.

    Be outrageous. Even if you don’t want to do the idea you come up with, if you’re scared to do it, or you don’t think it’s appropriate, or it makes you feel guilty or sad (just so you know – if you’re feeling these things when you consider doing something new around your man’s bad behavior – you might be on the brink of a fabulous breakthrough in actually seeing clearly what’s been holding you back in love…), write it down.

    3. Imagine what it would feel like to do those things you come up with – even the outrageous ones. Let yourself really feel the bravery and weirdness and fear that come up when you imagine stepping out of your “comfort zone” and responding differently in a same-old-same-old situation.

    I’d love to see your lists – so post them here if you can…and then let’s support each other to try some of these new things and report back on what happened.

    Nothing teaches an old dog new tricks like a new “whisperer” attitude from the trainer. And though I don’t want us to think of ourselves as “man trainers” – in a sense each of us trains those in relationships with us around how we are to be treated. Men train us (that’s how we developed our relationship “styles” – for our good and for our bad, too…) – and we train children and co-workers, and men we meet on the street, and men we’ve known for a long while.

    When we change – everything changes. Yes, we’re that powerful. You respond differently, and he’ll behave differently.

    Yes, if you’ve been clinging to a man who is always partway out the door, and it’s the only thing that’s keeping him with you, then not tolerating his bad behavior might release him completely out the door. This is always the risk you run.

    And I ask you – do you want to spend your life holding onto a man by the skin of your teeth? Or do you want a man who wants you, too? So you can relax?

    If you don’t think you deserve a man who cares for you at least as much as you care for him – we all need to start there to support you to change that belief…and for now – just try this list. It will get all your thoughts, beliefs and behaviors in motion inside you. It will shake things up for you…and that’s when good stuff happens!

    Love, Rori

  64.  #64Zia on April 26, 2013 at 7:34 am

    prplpsn28: have you asked and clarified if you are in an exclusive relationship? you said you were together for 18 months yes? or was that someone else?

  65.  #65Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Kath: I’m so sorry you are hurting. Some of what you say in your post though makes this look like major changes could be made with a few little adjustments.

    The word “accused” is a big one. You accused him of talking about his wife and marriage a lot. Really, what you can do with this one is instead of letting it pile up until you have to accuse him of talking about it too much is let him know in the moment. When he’s talking about her, gently tell him how that makes you feel as well as what you don’t want and then walk away from the conversation to do something for yourself that feels good. I don’t mean storm out of the room, I mean gently say: “I feel sad when we have these conversations about her. I really don’t want to feel sad right now so I’m going to go take a bubble bath for a while and hopefully it will pass.” or something like that. No drama, no anger, no fighting just calmly stating where you are at and then doing something good for you. And maybe remove the word “accused” from your vocabulary, particularly when it comes to your man.

    With regard to tenderness and affection, you can sometimes inspire a man to reach out to you more but if he has a guard up to your anger, it will probably take some time before he really feels a change. To inspire though, it works best to find your feminine side (especially the one that is open and loving and happy…the side of you with the genuine smile). Men are typically attracted to smiles. When you lose the anger and the temper and you teach yourself to feel the happiness, tenderness and love in your heart, your entire vibe will change and that affects everyone around you, not just your man. Journaling about all of the blessings in your life…especially the small ones that you might not notice at first…and meditation/visualizations of happiness and love will help with this so much.

    “He says he does love me but that he can’t handle my temper or the way it makes him feel.” – This is such a great clue to you as far as how to bring the relationship back around. Our tempers have a time and place I suppose but from my view, they don’t belong in our relationships. Drama, anger and tempers do absolutely nothing to draw a man closer. Calmness and speaking your feelings in a direct yet drama free manner can.

    “I just want to be loved by him and I don’t think I am.” – I think you are. I just think he doesn’t know how to do it because he doesn’t feel good when dealing with your anger. You’ve been together two years and he’s still married (correct? They are apart but married?). If he didn’t love you I think he’d be gone by now.

    “When I met my guy I was in such a different place, so confident about me and what I wanted and how I wanted things to be and when he said he felt as madly in love with me as I did with him, it was wonderful.” – And this is the happy, confident, loving, fun woman he fell in love with. I would encourage you to find her again. I’m sure he misses her a lot. I’m guessing you miss her too.

    “I did get swept off my feet- but then reality has well and truly hit me living here and seeing what I wanted slowly slipping away or being put on hold because we have no money and feeling that all my hard earned money is being ploughed into saving a place that isn’t even mine!!!- It doesn’t feel like my home, it feels like I’m the cleaner in somebody else’s and its horrible!- I just want to be in my home, our home!- and in the mean time we have totally lost our connection!- Its so sad!- ” – I think you should stop being a cleaner in someone else’s house. Just don’t do it. Not in a mean way but in a way that lets things go a little because you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, there just isn’t time to do the dishes, maybe he could help, because you’re busy doing something you’ve planned for you. Overfunctioning can be really hard on a relationship. You’ll feel taken for granted and he’ll feel less attracted.

    It’s okay to slow down a little and take care of yourself instead of taking care of everything for him. J and I have been together about 8 years and I still don’t do his laundry. I think I’ve done it maybe twice in all the time I’ve known him. He takes care of that for himself and we share the other sort of daily picking up after ourselves (he has someone come in every two weeks to do the big stuff but if he didn’t, we would share that too).

    When your feelings and vibe get to a better place, you will start to feel at home no matter where you are. You might be living in his house (I moved in with J a few years ago so I totally get that feeling of it being “his house”) but the two of you can make it your home (big difference between the words “house” and “home”) if you fill it with love and tenderness.

    I believe all of this can really come together for you but I also believe that before he is going to be able to feel that strong love for you (I think it’s still there, it’s just harder for him to feel right now), we need to get your vibe to a place where your own love can shine through. Love is very bright but it struggles shining through our own anger, drama, neediness, resentment and fear. Work on those emotions and on putting them to bed and your love and happiness will shine through. It’s really hard to resist feelings of love for a loving, happy, cared for woman. Show him that woman is still you.

    I wrote a lot to you but my heart goes out to you and the more I wrote the more I had to say. I don’t want you to feel sad and angry and frustrated. I will send vibes of calm and peace and love to you today.

    Much Love,

  66.  #66Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Just like it takes time for us to change, we should expect that it will take time for the men to get used to the new you and the new behavior. Also some are stubborn they will resist and push boundaries to see what they can get away with.

  67.  #67Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 7:47 am

    FW: 57. Oh yes! And that is why I believe it is important to focus on ourselves and make these changes to our vibes for ourselves and to stay strong in our desires to become more open and loving. That way, regardless of how quickly he opens up to it, we are committed to making positive changes for our own well being.

    Much Love,

  68.  #68Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Kath I wonder what it is about his ex that he is still attracted to so that he keeps talking about her?

  69.  #69Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Yes. Seeing the changes can be very inspiring.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:49 am



  71.  #71Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 7:52 am

    The Answer and the Solution is Always Inside You.

    A reminder to take my focus off the problem.

  72.  #72ruth on April 26, 2013 at 8:02 am

    thank you thank you Mercedes
    I *really* needed to read that right now

  73.  #73Kath on April 26, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Mercedes, thank you!- thank you for taking the time and trouble to speak to me- it means so much- and I take on board everything you say!- I have overfunctioned and in turn become resentful and ignored my own needs and desires to help him with hism and I need to stop and look after me. I know he does love me but he has lost the being in love with me and that’s the bit that hurts.
    He was with his wife for 25yrs- chidhood sweethearts- its been very difficult for him to let her go and to some extent I don’t think he has. She’s with someone else now and he still won’t have anything to do with him because he says its his fault his marriage broke up!- I am working on me from now on and hoping it will get better- thank you Ladies!- its so wonderful to be heard! :)XX

  74.  #74Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Ruth: I said it on another thread but I’ll say it here too…I love seeing you here and hope that all is well for you. I’m very, very happy something I said resonated with you today.

    Much Love,

  75.  #75prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 8:20 am

    @ Zia…yes that was me. 19 months now. No I haven’t come right out and asked him. Not sure how to do that.

  76.  #76Lisa on April 26, 2013 at 8:29 am

    @Zara Thanks that was a great post….

    I’ve noticed with myself looking back on past relationships the ones I clung to the hardest is the ones I was overlooking the most in. I just remembered that this morning… Not that I am overlooking, but for me to love him and yet not get too attached on an outcome b/c of my past history of being focused on an outcome and overlooking major issues b/c of love. When each one of them ended not out of lack of love, but that I had overlooked the issues that I knew were not going to work with me. I allowed my attachment and my love cover them up. How can I learn to love unconditionally, allow someone to be who they are, allow myself to love myself more than I love them and no focus on the outcome, but my own needs, desires and dreams and let go everytime I feel clingy or needy.. ( like Rori says we tend to get caught up in wanting and needing to the point where we lose ourselves) and draw myself back to me. So, I can see clearly… the relationship from the eyes of clarity….. instead of neediness or a fear of not having someone. Like Rori says there are lots of men out there… When I cling to one man as if he is my lifeline…(he’s in control, I lose myself, I end up being taken for granite) I end up in a mess of emotional knots… This is just my advice to me today… I’m talking to myself out loud…

  77.  #77Rori Raye on April 26, 2013 at 9:06 am

    PrettyFish – you are so not alone. thank you for sharing all that you have, and I know you’ll find lots of love and support here. First – rape is SO traumatic I encourage you to seek professional help. I’ve been through this myself, and then became a crisis counselor to help myself heal. The first thing any woman thinks after being raped or molested is that it’s her fault. The anger, and all other feelings, get swallowed up by the need to take responsibility, because the randomness and helplessness of it all is way too intense for our systems to hold. It’s the same for all of us without rape and molestation – we’ve all been traumatized and felt helpless in some way – we need to feel in control, or we fear going to pieces.

    The thing is – giving up control is where the healing is – and giving up “The Law of Attraction” here is what needs to happen. Whatever has happened – there’s no way you or I or anyone can possibly know the “why” of it. I can promise you, though, that taking karate, or the wonderful self-defense classes meant for traumatized women where you get to beat up men in big protective suits (with only very excellent teachers, though – make sure they know what they’re doing with traumatized women – you don’t want to “uncap” the feelings – you want to feel empowered) – will help you tremendously. I’m going to re-print this up as a post, because I think it’s important, and I’ll expand on my answer. Love, Rori

  78.  #78Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 9:10 am

    PrettyFish welcome. Trust me, you are not alone in that.

  79.  #79Rori Raye on April 26, 2013 at 9:12 am

    over and over – Welcome – and I know you know this, but your letter doesn’t reflect this. This is NOT ANY kind of real relationship. Seeing someone every other week after all this time is very “loosely dating.” Your references to being “pathetic” and “begging” tell me you’re simply inexperienced and have had no chance to build your self esteem through Practice. Please get the ebook – and then read everything you can about Circular Dating – then DO it. My entire collection is now not much more than the price of one hour with me on the phone – so I suggest you do that when you can, start with the ebook – then go right to Targeting Mr. Right. We’ll help you. Forget this man – he’s not the right one, he can’t be right now. And if he is later – after your own “vibe” has shifted – you’ll start to see LOTS of men showing up to compete with him. Love, Rori

  80.  #80Rori Raye on April 26, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Elizabeth – Welcome – and part of learning and getting experience is experimenting without expectations, and handling the fear. This man is “Practice” like any other man. Go ahead and do whatever you want to contact him, and see what happens. Watch how attached you become to the outcome. Watch how you use the Tools. Learn from it no matter what. Love, Rori

  81.  #81Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Luzydel things are getting real for him and he is thinking about what he wants.

  82.  #82Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Wow! PrettyFish…I can’t even begin to describe how long I felt like this:

    “What is wrong with me? I could never answer what was it on my forehead or back that was written :It is ok to touch this one without permission”.”

    Those words almost made me cry. I would also encourage professional help for you. I got it and it was very good for me. I later (like Rori) became a counselor for teens and abused women. Their therapy was therapy for me as well. The more help you get for this and the more you learn about it and share, the more you will heal and then begin to feel very strong and powerful. I don’t really know what else to say…It’s not your fault and my heart hopes for your healing.

    Much Love,

  83.  #83Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Zia if the items are small, as in clothing, you realize you can choose an option so you don’t have to see him?

  84.  #84seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Pretty Fish!!! I love that name! Welcome and much loving hugs to you. I too am healing and I felt such joy when I read, ” I feel I have no answers except to love myself.” My head was BINGO! Thats where I started and it feels so much better as I get more and more into my insides. Like a whole new adventure in a beautiful new land. Scrumptious, delicious and US. Just US! Nothing more wonderful than our own insides. Hugs and love sweet Pretty Fish! You ROCK!

  85.  #85seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 10:20 am

    74 Rori- I have a question. In the expectation part. So, I don’t have expectations for myself? I understand the watching myself part, but what about me getting the nervousness. I HOPE to be not so nervous when out and about men.

  86.  #86Femininewoman on April 26, 2013 at 10:54 am

  87.  #87janie baby on April 26, 2013 at 11:00 am

    This isn’t even a big deal, but I feel kind of embarassed haha.

    So as I get closer again to my man, I felt myself starting to overfunction and want to plan things, and instead of appreciating each night when he’d come over after work, I’d expect it.

    Usually he sleeps over Sunday-Thursday.
    Yesterday he texted me saying “Hey I can’t come tonight because I need to get my packet done tomorrow morning. We can meet later for lunch or dinner” I felt a little ping, but I was proud of myself for not feeling anxious and just thinking whatever I’ll see him soon 🙂
    I just said “kk.” if he wants to make a dinner plan he can call me and make it with me before a certain hour.

    This morning though I look at my calls and I saw I called him in my sleep at 3:30 am and we had a 1 minute conversation? Oops. I feel embarassed. I’m worried I said something weird or my subconscious said something nagging him about not coming..
    I really want to know what I said.

    I texsted him saying “I just saw that I called you in my sleep. What did I say?”

    I just feel like the fact I did that is obsessive and I wanted to give him space the night he’s away from me… :/

    I’m sure it’s not the greatest deal in the world, I just feel anxious about what we talked about.. Hopefully it was something sweet and cute!


  88.  #88Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 11:12 am

    I love it when I see coaches learning from each other. Looks like Rori has picked up something from Dominique (letting go of expectations and being attached to outcomes) and is applying it to her advice and clients as well. Very nice!

    “Elizabeth – Welcome – and part of learning and getting experience is experimenting without expectations, and handling the fear. This man is “Practice” like any other man. Go ahead and do whatever you want to contact him, and see what happens. Watch how attached you become to the outcome. Watch how you use the Tools. Learn from it no matter what. Love, Rori”

    Much Love,

  89.  #89Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Janie Baby…no need to stress this! 🙂 I think it’s cute. I don’t think I’ve ever called J in my sleep but I wish I would. That would awesome when he’s out of town…letting him know I’m dreaming of him…

    Much Love,

  90.  #90seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 11:20 am

    I feel frustrated!!! Bahhhhhhhhh. So practice. See what happens and ……………….. Men don’t bite. or perhaps if they do i will like it……… after I feel comfortable being like that. I can’t even write it. bahhhhh! breathing. I care what I’m doing not the man. Then why….what seahorse? Why what? why? I don’t know. Needs some loving on that. feeling frustrated and I can feel it my brathing and what in the world do I think is going to happen?? When what happens?

  91.  #91Kath on April 26, 2013 at 11:20 am

    #57 Zara,
    How wonderful!- thank you for your post too, that is great!- I am compiling a list and I will share it- I feel so happy that I have been heard and valued, I can’t tell you how much that means to me- it has been very difficult to get myself understood by my guy and it has been very difficult to understand why we have gotten here because we used to get on and understand each other so well!

  92.  #92janie baby on April 26, 2013 at 11:22 am

    haha thanks!! I hope I said something cute and not like “Where are youu? I want you to come” hahaha
    I feel embarassed that I said something weird.
    Usually I can kind of remember how a conversation goes, but not this time.
    I just feel embarassed because I wanted to lean back, and I feel like that was leaning forward.
    But whatever I guess! No point in stressing since I did it hahaha 🙂

    I watched the video FW….It made me kind of stressed out because at the end he talks about how to do the information correctly I need to buy his program. Did you get his program? Did it work for you?

    I’m hesitant to spend money on any program really unless I am very depressed. Usually my energy feels like leaning forward when I’m searching for advice (like right now)…


  93.  #93Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 11:31 am

    seahorse – 79 – Letting go of expectations is a key to my teaching, something I actually learned through K when I discovered this was a huge trigger for him, so I thought if this is so for him, it must be so for others, and yes I found this to so very true across the board.

    With men, you want to let go of expectations because when you hold onto what you THINK you want, you will likely miss what it is he’s giving to you, showing you, saying to you which might very well be much better than the expectation you were holding onto.

    When you instead remain open and curious about this man when he is giving to you in HIS way, showing you his love in HIS way, it could very well be WAY better than ANY expectation you might have harbored. And in more simple terms, it’s HIS way, and if you love him, and so it’s beautiful. It’s HIS gift to you given to you in HIS wonderful way. And you SO can come to love HIS way so much more than what you thought you wanted.

    This doesn’t mean he can and will do whatever he wants. whenever he wants.

    Well, yes he can, BUT he will want to do things to please you, so some of what you originally thought you wanted may start showing up anyway, yet you weren’t expecting this, so what a happy surprise. And if this doesn’t ever happen, it doesn’t matter because you were not holding onto expectations.

    Things like love, respect, and consideration, loyalty, and faithfulness I don’t look at as expectations. These things just are, and if they’re not, than this would not be a man I would have in my life as a relationship.

    Now when it comes to you and your process, your growth, I don’t want you to think of this as releasing expectations so much as just being very kind, gentle, and patient with yourself on your journey. Once you’ve taken the first steps to healing, there is no going back. And you pace will be yours alone.

    I’ve written many articles about expectations which you can find in the archives of my site. If you wish me to, I will look for them and post here. Let me know.


  94.  #94seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I care what I’m feeling. I love my feelings. What do I feel……. I think that I going to get corrected. Turn it around. No, I don’t like correcting. Patterns for myself. Time to love on them. Let go……..or be dragged. I’m not wrong. Is it confidence????? yep, confidence and baby steps. I’m right for me. If it feels bad SAY IT ina feeling message. breathing…………….. I still have a Why? I feel tired of why and how come for myself. ohhhhhhh something there alright! I don’t have to why myself to death. All things in context. Stop questiong seahorse she knows whats good for her. Only her and YEP!!! CONFIDENCE and speak it. Feeling it the truth. It’s pretty. Mistakes are how we learn. I’m doing fine and breath.

    Sometimes this goes and then comes back for more loving. Yes, go with it. It feels tight inside my stomach. Break the pattern and be free. Let go…………. and OWN IT!!!!

  95.  #95Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 11:37 am

    janie baby – 81 – Like you said, it’s not a big deal, and even if you said the craziest things, you were half asleep, and for most men, this would be endearing, cute, adorable. Plus men tend not to hold onto things like we women usually do. He may not even remember.

    Feeling embarrassed, doing embarrassing things in front of your man is part of being vulnerable with him and thus a good thing.


  96.  #96seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Dominque- “Things like love, respect, and consideration, loyalty, and faithfulness I don’t look at as expectations. These things just are, and if they’re not, than this would not be a man I would have in my life as a relationship.”
    BINGO!!!!!!!!!!! And there you have it!!!! Words I was looking for. How Do I get there? Thats the circular dating and realizing that,yes seahorse, there are very lovely men out there. I am loving on the fear and telling myself It’s not a race,slow down and enjoy this. I am finally getting to my insides and it is the best of journeys. Thank you Dominque.

  97.  #97Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 11:42 am

    seahorse – I don’t look at anything as a mistake. I look at this as learning and growing experiences. This feels better.


  98.  #98Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Mistake = unplanned blessing in disguise…. 🙂

    Much Love,

  99.  #99janie baby on April 26, 2013 at 11:50 am

    thanks Dominique!
    I feel like sometimes maybe i take the “leaning forward” thing too seriously. I beat myself up if i “lean forward” which makes it worse than just going with the flow..

    sometimes I feel like I mistake “leaning back” to mean just not giving anything ? I don’t know.
    I’ve been with this man for over 2 years. In the beggining my guard was completely down and that’s why we fell so crazy but we didn’t see each other for 6 months and since then it’s been a slow process with being ok with being vulnerable again. I’ve felt that intense pain where we’ve broken up so I don’t want to feel it again and get stressed when I show the littlest emotion, but I need to just embrace it.

    I want to feel free!! 🙂

  100.  #100Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Yes janie baby, embrace it all, the fear, the vulnerability. You cannot avoid feeling pain, so embrace this too. And remember that you will not be given anything you cannot handle.


  101.  #101Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 11:55 am

    seahorse – 🙂


  102.  #102Mercedes on April 26, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Seahorse: If I had a nervous feeling before going out with a man, I think I would take 10 minutes to meditate on this right before I left the house:

    “Men don’t bite. or perhaps if they do i will like it……”

    🙂 It would surly make me smile and feel very free and funny…

    Much Love,

  103.  #103seahorse on April 26, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    I answered some questions that came up for me. Fear of the yelling and the angry energy, it can’t hurt me. It’s just noisy energy. I feel all nervous static and scared when thats going on around me. Feels bad. So, tapping and meditating that I am in my own bubble of energy and only great things come through the bubble walls. Everything else is just everybody doing their own thing and I don’t have to worry about it. I have to try the tapping. And if all else fails, I can bite too!! hahahhaahahahhaha!!

  104.  #104Lisa on April 26, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    @Janie baby “M” has said he wishes I would talk in my sleep. Then he said he’d want to know if I felt like I’d won the lottery with him.. ( he always says that to me that he feels he won the online lottery finding me). I think he will think it was cute… men like sleepy women, its soft and vulnerable..


  105.  #105Zia on April 26, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    77: FW today they’re smaller things which I can leave outside but I will be home as I have someone coming over just before. I also kinda want to practise the “being open when he comes back” thing to see how I do with it? There are three items of furniture he had initially said I could have till he moves out of his parents in September, but I decided (right before I heard from him actually!) that I need to sort replacement items ASAP and get these things out of my house.

    I’ve realised I still have physical attachments to ALL three of my exes. The house with my first one (which he was supposed to organising to take over but I’ve not heard anything further on it) my son with my second (and that’s cool, i LOVE that attachment lol) and with this recent ex his stuff is in my house. So I’ve decided it’s time to clear out those things and get free from at least two of them!! Thankfully my son’s dad and I are in a great place now and really good friends so there’s no issues there.

  106.  #106Zia on April 26, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    FW: he had asked to pick up this stuff ages ago, and I’d actually left it all outside and told him the times when he could come get them as I wouldn’t be home… but he never did. I had left it out in the carport for about two weeks before I had to bring it all in for my rent inspection. I think I’ll be ok today, I just want to practise being open, following my feelings, and doing NOTHING once he’s been and gone.

  107.  #107Zia on April 26, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Also, I came across this quote this last week and wanted to share because I can completely relate to it:

    “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
    ― David Foster Wallace

  108.  #108PrettyFish on April 26, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Rori, Mercedes, Feminine Woman, seahorse 🙂

    Hello everyone thank you so much for reading my post and for your lovely replies; I felt tears just flow freely like a relief. Today I am moving out and I feel excited to keep in touch here in this forum and move forward with feeling love for myself no matter what.

    I feel a bit of tightness in my gut under the heart.
    It feels weird for years I knew there was something like this surfacing but I felt blocked; it has taken years and more cases of molestation and learning baby steps to actually feel something and stand up for myself to even be able to write something clearly and describing what it all feels like.

    I am definitely practising noticing when my thoughts are with him, and breathing back into my body and paying attention there.

    I even gave the talk today, even though things feel very calm and good between us now; he said it is up to me to make contact or not; he understands if I want to keep my distance for a while (we are in a small town and we both surf).

    I said I do want to be with him and I completely agree with what he thinks about us not working out with our old patterns (I deeply agree). He can take as long as he wants although I do not want to feel like I am hanging there and want to meet other people when I feel ready.

    Hmm here goes, I am packing up the last things and I feel so free knowing and feeling understood here.

    I feel sad and have been in denial about how common this is but I believe if we each learn to trust our feelings about whether we are being treated right and stand up for ourselves, it will feel very natural to walk with our heads high. Much love.

  109.  #109prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    WHY? WHY? WHY does H do this?! I don’t hear from him for 2 days and then he just now tells me that this wknd (the wknd my kids are gone) that he’s out of town for his daughters volleyball. He does this all the time and it drives me nuts! How can I possibly respond to that without being upset? And he never asks me to go along. Good thing I usually make plans for myself anyway, but that’s not the point. Here we go again! Back to feeling hurt, frustrated and angry.

  110.  #110Zia on April 26, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    prplpsn28: *HUGGGS* 🙁 I’m sure the sirens here will have something to help you through this. It would make me crazy too, and I’d probably give myself a time out, write everything down then ask to arrange a time to talk about all of it.

  111.  #111Zia on April 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    I sunk down into my feelings and realised that I’m so afraid of my ex coming over today, because I am afraid of how I’ll feel when I see him. So, what I will do, is feel whatever comes up, and whatever it is, is OK! Whether its bad, sad, glad….. and if the feelings are bad, then I’ll feel them, and once he’s gone give myself a big big big hug and carry on with the rest of my afternoon.

    It feels so empowering to have this process to go through…. because before, I KNOW I would have just felt the anxiety, then fought against it, and worked myself up into such a STATE that by the time he got here I’d be a complete and utter crazy mess.

    I wish I could express how much gratitude I have for this place. I think I have so much healing to get through in myself but I just feel so happy to feel like i’m able to take these gentle baby steps to change my old patterns.

    Sending lots of love to all the ladies here xoxox

  112.  #112BeLoved on April 26, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Mercedes, yes, thanks, my mind was definitely moving at warp speed.
    It feels calming and relaxing to realize that once it winds down, none of anything I was thinking really matters. The approach that feels best to me is to drop anything from the past, all talk of sex, and get back on the track we were on before I got all flurried thinking and talking about marriage, to where we were just being friends and getting closer as friends.

    And to remember – I’m not obligated to anything! And T doesn’t believe I’m obligated to anything, either.

    My body was doing some funky stuff last night where I was curled up in bed and felt frozen, my whole neck and shoulders felt like a mass of burning pain. Some part of me was struggling and wanting to fight, and some other part of me was coaching myself to sink into the feelings and let my body move on it’s own, when it was ready. I felt as if I was in the birth canal, not stuck but just taking a while. After a few minutes of this my body took over, gasped, and I felt this amazing delicious stretch take over me.

    Today I feel good and like reaching out. I’ve called friends and been social with my sisters, I feel like a spring bud 🙂

  113.  #113Jessie1000 on April 26, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Its wierd but for me the imaginary relationships were soooo difficult for me….like I couldnt get out of them and I had soooo much anxiety while I was in was like I danced to every move they made but they were always in power and usually would hurt my feelings. I would feel terribly and obsessively trapped and then despair, lots of it, and good sex, wierd but really good sex, and then I would move….usually a long way away to get out of the relationship, miss them like I died and went to hell and then I would do it again. LOL I feel like alcoholics anonymous club meeting here…it has been 8 months since my last imaginary relationship (I was really addicted to them) and Im so much more peaceful! Inner peace! When I feel down, I have to comfort myself. True, Being single smarts alot…hurts deep down but its not as bad as imaginary relationship addiction!!1 lol thats just HELL and HEROINE with all the withdrawal but no rehab (Except here with rori) to check urself into!! Ok girls, you can do it. No relationship will walk in the door usually for a bit after the imaginary ones…u got to heal. U got to nurse some wounds. U got to rest and date alot. U got to feel and practice ur feeling. You got to work on yourself….get a new job or turn something around personally for urself…but u can do it!! Dont despair. Dump ur imaginary relationship right now. Or as soon as ur ready. lol Give him the boot…know the signs…he treats u like ur dead. He doesnt call. He doesnt care. He walks away when ur upset. He makes no future plans. He gives no consideration to inVesting his emotions to u…he just stays. Why? WHo knows, cause hes the king and u are dancing for him like his dolly lol thats how it felt for me….just saying girls, 8 months free…not even a sip of an imaginary relationship….dating like crazy. Going on a date right now…lol
    KISSES all you girls, paint the town red! Put on ur high heels and go out! Have a beer! Have 2!

  114.  #114Vi on April 26, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    I sooo underestimated the power of Circular Dating..

  115.  #115Dominique on April 26, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Purple – I’m going to ask you a question which may not sit well with you, yet it keeps coming up for me when I read your comments.

    Why are you with this man? It seems from where I sit that there is more about him and his behaviors that bother you, upset you than feels good to you. Is this the relationship you want?

    If I’m misreading all of this, I feel deeply sorry.

    Now the matter at hand – the thing is, you cannot change him, EXCEPT by accepting him and loving him for who he is right now even if NOTHING ever changes around his behavior or circumstances or habits.

    That said, when he told you he was going to be with his daughters this weekend and not with you, you could have said and can say in the future – I feel so disappointed. I was looking forward to a weekend together. Not in a whining, pouting way, but in a genuinely, I feel disappointed, kind of way.

    You also can try a little heart-to-heart next time you see him, and please do this in person, which would look something like this – Something has been bothering me (weighing on my heart), and I don’t want it to sit and fester within me. May I share this with you?

    It feels SO much better to me knowing ahead of time what’s going on with us, when we will be seeing each other or even if we will be seeing each other. Can you help me with this? or What can we do here?


  116.  #116prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    @Dominique…too late for in person. Texting him. He’s been out of state since yesterday and I knew nothing about it. Couldn’t wait until next week sometime for in person. Maybe I’m wrong. But I can’t wait several days to get it out. Just how I am.

  117.  #117Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    74: Rori Raye says:

    *****Elizabeth – Welcome – and part of learning and getting experience is experimenting without expectations, and handling the fear. This man is “Practice” like any other man. Go ahead and do whatever you want to contact him, and see what happens. Watch how attached you become to the outcome. Watch how you use the Tools. Learn from it no matter what. Love, Rori*****

    That reminds me of the “Trying Out Being A Boy” article.

    Trying Out Being A Boy
    Written by Rori Raye

    Here’s a reverse!

    I don’t want to confuse you – but sometimes – if you’ve been the “boy” in a relationship so long, it’s hard to switch to “girl.”

    Or you just don’t want to.

    Or you don’t think it’ll work.

    Or you’re just subconsciously resisting so hard you feel paralyzed.

    When that happens with a client – I encourage them to go even DEEPER into being the boy. I mean really, totally running things.

    And then , sometimes, that allows them to experience fully the exhaustion of it all, how the process is draining them – and how ultimately BORING the man is anyway!

    So – if this is what you’d like to try – here are simple directions:

    1. Remember – I’m encouraging you to consider trying this not because I think it’ll work, or because I don’t have faith in you – but if going “girl” is really hard for you – I don’t want to keep pushing you to be the girl and “not do anything.”

    I’d rather you try SOMETHING new from my Toolkit than stay stuck – and if this appeals to you – it might be easier for you to start working in the real GIRL tools by going this route.

    It’ll just be WAY slower going – and likely extend your pain. But I want you to know there’s an alternative here.

    If the anxiety of not doing anything is too intense – and you aren’t able to even use the Tools because you’re obsessing and then jealous and feeling crazy – instead of actually DOING this – you might try IMAGINING doing it…and see how THAT feels. See if it takes the anxiety away.

    Then try going back and forth in your imagination – boy to girl to boy to girl….and see how THAT feels.

    2. Remember this, too: The only thing is – when you’re the boy and you’re rowing, you absolutely cannot expect the guy to ever step up.

    If you keep rowing – he’s never going to act like a man.

    3. So, you look at the guy like some flower, like some girl, like some fragile delicate being and you take care of the situation.

    You lead him. You propose to him. You say, “Let’s go to the market. I would really like to go.”

    You just lead him around. Say, “Everything is going to be great.”

    You are always chirpy and positive and upbeat. You don’t ever go gloomy.

    4. Remember – He’s still a man. You have to RESPECT him.

    You still have to take “No for an answer” (From my “4 Rules”). You don’t push and shove him -and you continue to respect him and appreciate him.

    You absolutely NEVER tell him what he’s doing wrong!

    Now, the problem with the way most of us try and control is that we end up attacking and disrespecting the man. If you can treat him with respect, not ask him to step up like a man, not say, “I feel hurt because you’re not treating me well,” because he’s never going to, not saying, “I feel hurt because you’re not calling me, “ because he’s never going to call you because you’re the guy now, right?

    5. If you do this enough of the time, if it feels better for you to just keep doing stuff like that, you’re going to get sick of it.

    After a while you’re just going to get sick to death and bored with him, but I want you to consider trying it.

    6. More things to consider: Some men are very feminine energy men. And yet they act quite differently from one another on the OUTSIDE.

    Some are very soft. Especially in some cultures, men are soft – but they have a lot of “bravado.”

    In some cultures men are soft all around. They don’t speak up. They don’t lift a finger.

    Some men are just raised to be soft by others who were very masculine energy.

    Some cultures are very “rough.” Men act rough and they hide their feelings a lot. With this kind of man it’s CRUCIAL to be the “girl” – even if he’s rough because he actually is very very soft – and help facilitate his opening up by YOUR opening up FIRST!!!

    Let me know your feelings on this.

    Love, Rori

  118.  #118Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    79: seahorse says:

    *****74 Rori- I have a question. In the expectation part. So, I don’t have expectations for myself? I understand the watching myself part, but what about me getting the nervousness. I HOPE to be not so nervous when out and about men.*****

    I wrote down what I want to feel in a relationship and I walked through experiments knowing I would not chose a man among my suitors until I would feel what I wanted to feel. And knowing I wanted to feel a man energy 200% into loving me.
    Rori’s Circular dating taught me to let go of expectations of how this “should” look like and instead to open my heart to what each man really brings me. And to not make up a story about any of my encounter but instead to pay attention to how I feel in the present moment.
    In circular dating there is no mistake possible as it is a learning process. I can do anything and learn from it until I find from my own experience what it is that feels bad and what it is that feels good and what it is that works to bring me and keep me in a relationship where I feel cherished and in love with myself and in peace.


  119.  #119Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:36 pm

  120.  #120Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Love and Mistakes
    Written by Rori Raye
    Wednesday, 21 October 2009

    I mess-up all the time. Sometimes it’s just not leaving enough time to do something, or faulty prioritizing, or forgetting something at the market. Sometimes I actually hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I’m oblivious to what’s going on, and sometimes I just put my foot in it.

    So what’s the message when my foot’s in my mouth?

    I think everything that shows up in our lives is either a mirror or a message, and there’s always a lesson, and there’s always a take-away.

    Most of the time these days, I’ve noticed the message coming in loud and clear: Pay attention! Be aware! Look around! Be here now!

    Unfortunately, once my foot is in my mouth, or I’m sprawled on the pavement, or my husband is staring at me as though I’ve just committed murder, it’s a little late to process the message. A little late to undo the error. Oh, for do-overs.

    So what, exactly, is a mistake, and what is a fair price to pay for making one?

    I’ve come to think of a mistake as thinking a little bit too hard about me.

    Sometimes what’s a mistake to one person is a boon to another, and some mistakes turn out to be lucky intuition, like the artist of any medium who forges a new road from his soul by mistakenly taking the wrong turn.

    I can think of every man in my life until my lovely husband as a mistake. I can think of every man in my life as some kind of lesson. As a stepping-stone, a passage. Or I can see that every man in my life was exactly right for me at any given moment, and all I needed to do was see his message.

    The message might have been Alright. Thank you for attending. Now you can move on. Or it might have been, I’m not supposed to go any further, please proceed without me. Or This is a very nice place to be, so sorry you’re not ready yet. I must have come across many men I couldn’t have, not because they wouldn’t want me, but because they knew I didn’t want me.

    How to tell the difference between the mistake, the mirror and the message?

    The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be. I listen to them all, but I look for messages. Sometimes I can’t see them or hear them or feel them, because I’m too absorbed in the mirror, or too despondent over the mistake.

    The thing about messages is, in order to see them, you have to be still.

    In order to hear them, you have to be quiet.

    And in order to feel them, you have to be in your body.

    Mistakes are a loss of attention. They throw us off the gameboard into the sand trap. They’re us trying to take charge of the brave and thoughtful horse we’re riding, the horse who really knows the way, and steering him off course into the woods because we thought we saw a turn back there we missed.

    The fastest way out of a mistake is to fight. Going dead inside and numb and depressed gets us deeper into the quagmire. Fighting is recovering our self- esteem by topping accusing ourselves – How could I have done that? or denying responsibility – It wasn’t my fault! or taking on responsibility that isn’t ours – It was all my fault…or lying to others – I didn’t do that! or lying to ourselves – I don’t care!

    Fighting is saying Oh….. and then going down into that Soup of yuck and dread and pain and misery, and guilt, and everything we feel, until we touch love.

    Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

    It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment. And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road. The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking.

    A Message is another chance to pay attention. Another chance to dance with what shows up. Another chance to enjoy the moment. Another chance to catch another Message. And the message always is: There will always be mistakes, and mirrors and messages, because our lives are always moving, and we will never learn everything there is to learn.

    Sometimes the Mistake IS the Message.

    Love, Rori

  121.  #121Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    29 Syreena

    Dating and Sex – What Do They Have To Do With Each Other?
    Written by Rori Raye
    Monday, 25 October 2010

    Here’s a great letter from Catherine:

    “Hi Rori ,

    I have left a message previously on your blog. My question revolves around early dating.

    I had been in contact with a guy off a dating site for a couple of months , he had given me his mobile number and asked me to text him. We chatted on phone and text for a couple of more weeks, and I felt like there was a great connection there. He went away on holiday for 2 weeks before we had actually met.

    He had text me practically the minute he had landed home ! And we met within a week of him being home, which was a great success, there was fantastic chemistry there, I was doing all the sireny stuff , leaning back etc, and felt really good about things.

    He had been busy over the 1st weekend, so I didn’t hear much from him , but at the start of the week he was texting etc , we had another date on the following Friday , and we ended up having sex. Which I felt ok about , just a bit scared that if we did , he would back off. I had told him that ‘did he realize that if we did have sex that I would be totally smitten with him’, and he had said ‘ so your not already then ?’.

    We had a really lovely time and just lay and chatted and laughed together after sex, really relaxed and comfortable. But , when he was getting ready to leave , he started acting all ‘laddish’ , he was a diver in the navy , an ex marine , and still very in the ‘masculine’ , he had made some comments , not about me, and had then said he was going to move back nearer his male friends as he missed them !!

    I am at a loss as to what is going on with him , yes I know I shouldn’t be stressing about him at all , but he now has me totally confused!

    He had also made some comment about this being the longest ‘date’ he’s ever been on! Was this his way off conveying to me that he thinks of me as just that , ‘a date’ ?? Or is it that he’s scared of his feelings developing for me ??

    Either way , I only received one text off him after our last meeting , and have heard nothing for 3 days now. I am trying to keep positive and get on with my own life , I’m in middle of arranging a date with another guy for later in the week etc. But its so hard not to text ex navy guy!!! I really like him , have use feeling messages to him so am sure he knows how much I like him.

    I have this constant tight feeling , and knot in my stomach which im trying to ‘relax’ my way out of , it doesn’t feel good ! Please help me !! Catherine

    Here’s my answer:

    Catherine – I’m so sorry – what you’re lacking here is EXPERIENCE.

    You’re simply not experienced with men and dating enough to know what’s going on. Please don’t be upset with you OR with him…you just had expectations here that had no business being here.

    Dating is dating.

    Sex changes NOTHING.

    Emotional bonding is something that happens, but it also means NOTHING if the logistics of the experience and the “relationship” – if it becomes one_ please you.

    I’m not saying what he feels one way or another – it’s simply IRRELEVANT!!!!

    If you feel invested with a man when you have sex, then you can’t have it until you’re married. Period.

    I encourage you to allow sex to be a part of your life experience and get there by not having sex with any man you’d CONSIDER for the long term – until you have SOME level of security – so you can relax.

    Love, Rori

  122.  #122Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Should You Have Sex?
    Written by Rori Raye
    Wednesday, 29 October 2008

    This is a jump off from Ashley’s comment about how to date and handle sex and being a ‘Girlfriend.”

    Ashley, here’s my take – when you’re young – say not yet within three to five years of wanting to have a child – though you really don’t want to fall into the “Girlfriend” trap – that’s the time when you have to figure out what to do about sex in that context.

    Here’s where I think Erika can help you. She has some very strong, interesting and powerful views about celibacy and how to do it even while you’re dating up a storm.

    Talking with Erika here, and on her blog, also, might give you some things to think about. She’s also totally, as you can see from her comment – into the organic, moment by moment being present way of working with relationships and men.

    (Erika – I also would like to thank you for your fabulous comments and invite you to send me some longer posts about how to date while being celibate – with your permission I’ll incorporate them into guest posts…)

    And on the other side of the coin – I also have “relationship expert” friends who live and prosper in the mode of polyamory – which means you have loving AND sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. Even in a “marriage” you may bring others into the family. And if you are polyamourous and you like someone enough to “Date” them and become emotionally involved with them, you would also consider sex with them to be part of that – regardless of the “structure” of the “relationship.” It all sounds pretty far fetched to most of us, and I’ve never tried it or can even get my head around it.

    I sit somewhere in the middle. I see sex as a powerful Tool to get closer to a man, closer to yourself, and yes – closer to God and the Universe. I see sex as an animal joy and a spiritual miracle, and I am not one to promote celibacy (and I have a 20 year-old daughter and can still say that).

    That said, most of us are not in full command of this power of sex, and instead get caught up by our hormones when we have sex with a man.

    We are not like men when it comes to sex – and yet, men are capable of the full array of emotions that often cannot be fully expressed WITHOUT sex.

    At some point, for a healthy masculine man, a relationship will die without sex. It will simply not feed the greater growth of his emotions.

    And for emotionally unhealthy men, the greater growth is more than he can handle.

    My past is full of “serial” relationships and boyfriends, one after the other, all of whom I had sex with. Whatever drove me to jump in so fast (literally) – I know that sometimes I beat myself up over my poor choice because THEY liked ME so much more than I liked them, and most often I beat myself up because I loved them and they didn’t care all that much.

    And now I don’t believe that sex had anything to do with it. At that time in my life I needed closeness and affection and to be touched, and I got that for myself however I could, even if it meant deceiving myself. And I believe that that was my “path.” That was my “journey.” whatever happened, and whatever I did and didn’t do, whatever mistakes I made – they were a part of who I am now, and I choose to rejoice in who I am now – so – I MUST, then, logically – rejoice in who I WAS.

    And I don’t see that having “sex” was necessarily a mistake. What I see is how clearly I mixed sex up with love and affection, and how I took the “crumbs” of sex rather than actually looking for the whole enchilada.

    And most important – I see that I almost DELIBERATELY took those crumbs because I was deeply AFRAID of the whole enchilada. I had no idea what it looked like, felt like – or what it even meant. Sex had nothing to do with it.

    I can remember nearly every experience I ever had with a man – sexual and non-sexual – and I can also see how each one was a DIFFERENT learning experience – though they all followed the same pattern.

    I can look back and see the men I felt strongly for, and the men I TRIED to feel strongly for. I remember how sex fit into the experience for me, how it intensified my feelings or dropped them into the garbage.

    So – I want you to follow YOUR path. Your journey. And the only thing I want to say about sex is that, as powerful as it is – it cannot CHANGE anyone’s mind. It can deepen love, and it can liberate the body and spirit, and it can feel cold and coarse and empty, too. But it cannot change his mind. It cannot bind him to you.

    What it can do – through the way our female hormone’s work – is to bind US to a man. It binds us in a physical way that feels like love, but often isn’t love at all. And that’s the problem.

    When we are bound, too soon, before we feel secure and happy, to a man on our hormonal level – we run the risk of talking the rest of ourselves into love, whether it’s there or not, or even good for us or not.

    And then that can turn into self-deception that damages our entire sense of ourselves.

    So – I say a rock-star free spirit woman who can stay in touch with her body, knows what her hormones tell her is not always the truth, and ALWAYS stays in love with HERSELF – can do ANYTHING. Including having sex with as many men at one time or in serial relationships, or any way she wants to, as is humanly possible.

    Find where YOU are on this journey. Find what will serve YOU best. Imagine what kind of woman YOU want to be. Don’t let anyone put rules on you.

    Stay in touch with how you feel about YOU – and you’ll be great.

    Love, Rori

  123.  #123Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Attachment to a Man, Relationship Anxiety, Hormones and Sex Too Soon
    written by Rori Raye
    Sunday, 12 September 2010

    Cindy is my classic client. Seemingly strong, high self-esteem – until something kicks in the “attachment” hormone and downward we go emotionally. I’m going to jump off of her letter to me and see if I can help you if this keeps happening to you:

    “Rori, This is all so different… I just got your ebook and started working in it. You are so open and honest and I really relate. I am 55 years old, men are attracted to me and I have no trouble meeting and initially spending time with them. Once it goes into more than casual dating (kisses, calls, regular dates) I seem to change from “easy to be with” Cindy to “I have to keep him and he may see the real me and leave for someone better” Cindy.

    I have always tried to be what “he” wants and to make him into what I want. This has not worked and I have been single for over 20 years since my divorce. I recently met a wonderful man and it was going well for 7 weeks. We slept together last Thursday and I then felt insecure and when he told a woman at the marina that I was “not his wife, I was his friend”, I told him I thought we had more than that I wouldn’t have slept with him if i thought we were only friends….. etc. and he has not called me since. I am not calling or texting him even though I really want to.

    I believe if he really wants me he will call and work through this. I need to learn new ways to think about the relationship, myself and him. I keep doing the same old things and they don’t work. I had a therapist tell me a few years ago “what you’re doing isn’t working”. He was right, but he really had no new way for me to do it. I really need and want help to change my destructive (self and relationship) patterns.

    I go into the relationship thinking it will be the best ever, then it is good for a while, then I get insecure and needy and the man goes away. I want to be married, yet I begin to think it’s impossible for me. What should be my first step? Thank you for the emails and the work you put into this. I am excited about learning a new way to do my life. Cindy”

    My answer:

    The simple answer here is around sex.

    Don’t have it if you can’t handle it.

    Don’t have it until you know EXACTLY where a man stands in the “relationship,” what sex means to him – and HE knows where YOU stand and what sex means to you.

    If you’re not absolutely certain you’re both in the same place, you’ve weighed the risks and you’re willing to take those risks and trust yourself to deal with whatever happens in a way that HELPS you, not hurts you…then go for it.

    If not – wait. Just keep talking. Talk. And….most important:

    Circular Date. Do NOT become exclusive.

    I love a strong position about not having sex too early – and just not being interested in it unless it’s part of the marriage deal.

    But that’s not for everyone. Wouldn’t be for me, might not for you.

    But I sure wouldn’t want to handle sex the way I USED to, either.

    I’d like it to be about MY pleasure, and have absolutely nothing to do with what’s going on with him.

    And yet – that reduces it all to “sport f*cking” – which is totally no fun at all and never feels good the following week (most of the time not even the following hour).

    And yet – sometimes, to go with the flow and allow things to move forward – you’ve gotta take a chance. (Some would say no… but let’s go with a different scenario here…)

    How is it (and IS it) possible to have sex and not become attached to a man?

    Is it possible, if you like him enough to sleep with him, to not have your hormones and homing instincts kick in?

    Because it worked for me with my husband – I have to say “yes.” I couldn’t, in all honesty, say anything else.

    It worked for my friend Virginia Feingold Clark, even though it took a few years for her to figure it out and then, once she did, quickly and easily get married to her husband (she’s got a great book coming out about all this soon, I’ll let you know…) – even though it didn’t work for her BEFORE she met her husband.

    So – here’s the deal – when you meet the man who wants to marry you – it doesn’t matter what you do around sex.

    And when you meet all other men who will never marry you – it doesn’t matter what you do around sex, because that relationship will never work, and so you’re very, very likely to become attached and hormonal and go downhill emotionally.

    So – wouldn’t it be nice if we could just identify our future husband – and then we wouldn’t have to worry about it at all? We could do what we like and it would all work out!

    And so – here’s the key question: Can we identify our future husband? Can we know if a man intends to marry us? Or are we just always guessing or going on our most often faulty instincts and “intuition”?

    Trying to figure it out beforehand is never really possible – though you may feel strongly about what’s going to happen.

    What we have to do is trust ourselves that whatever happens we’ll be okay. Not only okay, but happy with the experiences we chose to have and the way we feel about them. Life includes some risk – or our desire for safety will run us until we live in a small little box.

    Be prepared to make mistakes (if there even IS such a thing). It’s part of the ride of life…

    Love, Rori

  124.  #124Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Love the energy on the posts today! Dominique is right on! Prple, please plan something for yourself, so that you don’t sit around waiting for this guy. By focusing all your energy on him and what he’s doing or not doing, is sending out the wrong vibe. Focusing on yourself and how you feel is good…now you just have to learn to communicate it so you don’t stuff it down.

    Jessee1000, congratulations girl! Getting off the imaginary relationship rollercoaster is a major accomplishment! Good for you to know what is real is what really matters.

    Beloved, you spring bud you, just made me smile : )

    My hubby is away tonight. Ooops he forgot his charger… well I wasn’t going to be his mom and remind him to take it. No more texts from him tonight. I can just reeeelax and enjoy the silence, read the blog posts or a book, sip some tea and have a lovely deep sleep tonight. And he can miss me ; )


  125.  #125Zara on April 26, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    (((((Mercedes))))) (((((Pretty fish)))))

  126.  #126Vi on April 26, 2013 at 7:50 pm


  127.  #127Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Prple, are you texting him? Please don’t. It just feels so clingy… I know its hard because you have all this strong emotion inside that you want to express right this minute, but please try to be patient and learn to sit with those uncomfortable feelings till he comes to you and then you can express them.

    I’ve learned that expressing feelings electronically is never the same as in person. It can be misinterpreted. Especially if it starts with you, it may appear as chasing or complaining…its not felt by the recipient in the same way as your energy is felt when he sees you or hears you.

    I made the mistake once of expressing my feelings in a text to a guy and it just turned out badly. Its hard to stop texting and waiting and texting and waiting…and next thing you know it escalates into an argument.

    I feel your fear of losing him, but texting him is not going to get him back. You need to give him space…all the way to China if need be. Please listen to the wisdom on this site.


  128.  #128Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I feel sad when I see the suffering of my sisters. Learning to do the inner work is a really tough process. Some learn, others struggle. I feel sad. I don’t want you to get hurt. 🙁

    But I guess everyone has to live and learn in their own time…its a journey.

  129.  #129prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Kristine…believe it or not I don’t sit and wait for him. Since the very beginning I have always had plans in advance with my friends. If H happens to be available he will join us. There have been times when H and I have planned something in advance. I do get disappointed if we don’t get together cuz our time is limited and I have shown and expressed that disappointment. He doesn’t want to face that disappointment from me so he clams up and doesn’t tell me until the last second when it’s already happening. (That’s what he just told me tonight via text. He doesn’t like seeing me disappointed) So we did have a short discussion where I let him know that it makes me feel so much better to know ahead of time what’s going on. He agreed. Idk. Thoughts?

  130.  #130prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Kristine….I totally understand what your saying about texting. H and I have had a discussion about that and both agree that it’s not the place to have a serious discussion or relationship issues discussed. He actually started it. It was very simple and to the point. Now we are just texting general conversation not related in any way to the issue. I’m sure we will talk more about it in person when he gets back into town.

  131.  #131Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Prpl, you said you don’t sit and wait for him, yet you get disappointed if you don’t get together. Those are contradictory. If you weren’t waiting for him you wouldn’t feel so disappointed…you have expectations for him and that is why he clams up. He is pulling away.

    Him saying he agrees to let you know ahead of time is nice, but actions will speak louder than words. I hope he delivers next time.

    If you really want him back, you have to let him go and take your focus off him somehow.


  132.  #132sha-sha on April 26, 2013 at 8:38 pm


  133.  #133Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Prple, you also said to Dominique that you are texting him, and now you say, he actually started it..I’m confused.

    Anyway, if you really want to get him to step up, I would just ignore his texts. Can you do that? Especially when he has disappointed you….its like when a guy treats you badly, and you reward him with your presence, that makes him think, hey I can keep on treating her badly…she’ll stick around.

    We teach men how to treat us by our actions too. If we don’t like how we are being treated, we walk away.


  134.  #134Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I just went back and read an earlier post by Rori about the dark night of the soul. And this statement by her really resonated and I want to share it again so we don’t lose sight of what is really important…

    This is what Rori said: “The goal here is for you to learn to WANT a man who WANTS you!”

    So a man who disappears, doesn’t include you, doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t call or doesn’t want you to be part of his life, is not the man you really want. Is it?


  135.  #135prplpsn28 on April 26, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Kristine…I was texting him but he in fact started it and so since he did I went ahead and let him know how I felt. Anyway…I stopped texting a while ago.

    But from now on I’m supposed to ignore him when he initiates contact? I think I’m confused now.

  136.  #136Zia on April 26, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    113: Zara THANK YOU!!!! that post is exactly what i needed to hear right this instant 🙂 xo

  137.  #137Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 9:43 pm


    When a man initiates, we lean back and are receptive. Just feeling the attention is good. We don’t have to respond or do anything. Its up to you if you want to respond, based on how you feel. And responding with feeling messages is good.

    Personally, I don’t like to respond to texts. They feel impersonal. Even to my own husband, unless its really brief and he’s asking me something specific, like what time will you be home.

    If a man wants me, he will call me. Same goes for you. If he wants you, he will call. Even from out of state.

    There are way too many men out there who text to keep us hooked, and they don’t move the relationship forward. It keeps us stuck. Its way too easy for them and they often text lots of women who jump at the attention. They don’t really want those women. They never will. They just like to know the women are still around and available and waiting for them.

    That is just my personal experience. Not texting helped me weed out the men who didn’t want me. Its leaning way back and it worked for me.


  138.  #138Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Going back to the point about learning to WANT a man who WANTS you…

    It took me a while to figure that one out. I had to ask myself, why do you want a man who doesn’t want you? Who doesn’t want a real relationship with you? Why do you want to feel bad, to punish yourself? Don’t you deserve a man who wants you?

    Yes I do! I DO want a man who wants ME. Then everything clicked and I started fresh. And Rori’s tools worked.

    You have to know what you want.


  139.  #139Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 10:17 pm


    Rori’s ebook and Modern Siren program teach all about the vibe or energy. I think vibe and energy are the same thing here. In Rori’s materials, the vibe or energy you should have is one of “leaning back” and “softness” . Which basically is the opposite of leaning forward, hanging on, doing, forcing, telling, pushing or pulling. Its not exactly a “who cares” attitude. Although that could help you become more leaned back. But you still have to be soft on the outside. Receptive. Feeling. Speaking in feeling messages makes you soft on the outside, which is very attractive. If you say you don’t care, you could be blocking your feelings. And that is putting up a wall or a barrier.

    Let men take the lead. Observe how they treat you and how you feel in their presence or in the world around you. Then express how you feel in that moment. That shifts your vibe from leaning forward to leaning back and draws the good ones in.


  140.  #140Kristine on April 26, 2013 at 10:29 pm


    I know how you feel about sex. Its hard to detatch and have a leaned back vibe after sex, especially if you are not in a relationship. Once we have sex, we feel bonded. But if the man hasn’t asked for an exclusive relationship, you may feel hurt. So to avoid this pain, and avoid chasing him, you have to say what you want or don’t want before you have sex. So if you want a relationship, say so when he pressures you for sex. For example. I feel great being with you. But I don’t want to have sex unless I know I am in an exclusive relationship. Then add, what do you think?

    If he’s a good guy, he’ll either wait, run or say ok let’s be exclusive. Just don’t try this on a first date. You don’t know him and he doesn’t know you enough yet to make that kind of decision. So if he pushes for sex too soon, I’d just say no, I want to get to know you first. Remember, you have the power to choose.


  141.  #141Grace on April 26, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    Hi Everyone This is my 1st time posting on this Blog but have been reading this Blog for about a year I want to Get Rory’s CDs all of them just need to save more $$! I need some advice on how to handle a situation I’m in ASAP lol I have been dating my BF for a year now he just recently came back from an overseas trip I knew he was going but not exactly when well he left a Voicemail on Sat Morning & said he was at the airport and getting ready to fly out that’s it no details whatsoever I thought he was leaving this past Monday well needless to say I flipped my lid & Yelled at him over the phone not my proudest moment I must say! I sent him a text saying how hurt & angry I was and that I need to rethink this relationship he just said too bad you’re so distrustful then he just texted back sorry to have Hurt you so and that was it this just triggered all my fears I was trying so hard to play it cool and not be the insecure Girlfriend but I can’t keep it up anyways he came back last night he texted me I didn’t respond then he called me tonight but was st work & couldn’t talk haven’t heard from him since trying to “lean” back I needed time to think about how to what to say feel
    Like breaking up with him so I’m just avoiding him right now trying to get my thoughts together I just don’t know what to say to him help!!

  142.  #142R.N.AmazingMe on April 27, 2013 at 12:18 am

    ok so been soooo long since I have come to the blog and read/posted anything. It is good to check up on you all. Hear your stories. I need to vent, I have really tried to give not just men but people in general a chance and geezzz. U ever just feel fed up like you know you are spiritual/religious, have faith in life and love. Just want whats best for the kids and make a life for them. Well then you have that person or situation that shattered what you thought you were building. and you have no idea how you gave them that power. I know this happens but wow this woman supposed friend of the family pretty much just said screw me. I mean who would of thought. I have trust issues but man every person I come by, I smile, nice, try to be helpful, and polite…no I am not perfect but dang people are ruthless sometimes. Two and three faces, tell you what you want to here. I am talking people….what is wrong with people sometimes. You know I mean i love the siren atmosphere because we dont judge and try ro be open and helpful for all of our own learning processes. I have felt so selfish in this last year or two maybe. I just started living for my kids and my own life. No more turning my cheek for the sake of the show. I keep people at a friendly distance but am nervous to trust again. One good thing well nice thing that made me feel good today was well for my self esteem anyways. The man at taco bell…lol yes i said taco bell. but it didnt matter it was what he said and he made me blush. he told me i was so beautiful and he never seen a girl so pretty..then he said wow like a fairytale. I was like yes…yes I am…I am my happy ever after. I am the fairytale, this is our story tell it how we want sirens right. Noone controls you but you so if you find yourself looking for happiness when your insides need TLC. Stop and takecare of yourself and the self love not only starts to satisfy you it also is so attractive. I got SWAG!!!lol

  143.  #143Veronica on April 27, 2013 at 3:03 am

    The skirt is finished – the orange that I added makes the brown autumn colours seem aflame – and I am a warm body under this fabric and I am a vibrant person.

    My father is such a good person – he helped me, saw my need and helped me – even after a long day’s work (12 hours) and with his hobbling he still helped me, with quiet enthusiasm. That’s how I knew he loved me – he would drop whatever he was doing to help me – I was in awe when I noticed it when I was a child and even now.

    Have been leaning back with BM – he suggested skyping, I notice his interest in me, his readiness to contact me. [This is what I was going through before the skyping:
    Hm feeling nervous/ anticipation before skyping – don’t know how it will go. Breathe. I love you. I’m wondering how I’ll be, I can’t get into hoping how he’ll be. Not going there. It feels like a cloud closing in my chest I put my hands up in front of my body. Nervousness I love you how you make me quivery a little in my fingers, how you make me notice the cold in my hands and where I’m tight in my body. My breathing trying to keep the cloud jussst there. Feeling it with a smile. And underneath maybe calm? It’s too quiet the calm. Hm my ears listening for what’s outside. Breathe and listening and smiling. ]

    I notice my fear and concerns for myself. I don’t want to feel like I’m hanging parasitic-like onto him. I notice I feel such generosity for him: yes, please do all that makes you feel good, I want to see as much of you coming out, I feel no judgement at all of him. It feels so free! I just enjoy hearing how happy he is. I tell him that I notice that he’s more open, more focused and more giving of himself – he tells me that now he feels like there’s more of him. It’s such a relief to see him happy. But I also notice fear in me – careful of myself, not wanting to hope for something that isn’t. Just hope for myself independent of him. I’m wary of the expectations attached to sharing how I’m feeling. Next time maybe more openness, less fear – it’s okay, you’re okay. But then I feel a return to myself – interested in my own things, feeling like I’m exploring myself. And then I open up and I want more depth for myself and I can feel it just beyond my capabilities, but it’s there and I want to reach. It feels so good to return to myself. And then I notice my body, surprised at my body after speaking to him – it’s so warm and open and so aware like it would savour any touch – touch my surfaces and you’ll touch all the way into me. I feel so aware from deep in me to the very edges of me.

    Openness, trust (myself, others etc.)seem to be really alive for me this past week.

  144.  #144k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 4:28 am

    “He knows now that if he doesn’t make plans to see me in advance, I’ll make other plans.” Wow good morning ladies, I don’t remember who said this. I have tried to catch up as far as I could, but going to pray and do some work now. Thankfully, my work load will be reduced next week friday. Thanks be to God. I know u all must wonder what type of job I am in that keeps me so busy, but I can’t say it on here. That comment I believe was said by Purple. Correct me if I am wrong. Purple, I can just imagine how u feel? I would be upset too. And as u said, he is contacting u on his terms. What is wrong with some of these men, Purple and other ladies? Why do they behave like that? No wonder Rori wants us to circular date. Purple even if it has been said already, I will say it again, Please circular date. I am not sure if you are comfortable with it, but I have seen where it is helpful to many ladies on here. I am glad u make plans with other persons when u don’t hear from him. I bet when u start circular dating and meeting other guys and shift your energy, he will contact u and make plans with u more often. Purple, do u see this relationship as exclusive? Its as if he is taking u for granted and not being respectful. I would definitely feel insecure about that. Mercedes: thanks very much for your comments. Hairdresser/spiritual and relationship counsellor says I am too busy. She said the same thing too. But I am wondering why in regular life-in the supermarket, in the bank and just about anywhere I go, why can’t I meet someone. I am beginning to wonder if it was because of what I wished. I have always wanted to migrate and get married. So I figured that since I wanted to migrate, I might as well search for a partner and if things work out and we get married, then I will be able to go. Hope I don’t give the wrong impression here as if I am using the man for migration. No, that’s not it. I just want to be in a different environment. I am at the research stage of these migration plans and looking to take it to the next stage shortly. While hairdresser has advised me against long distance relationships, she is saying that I could search for a man in the country I am going, cause I am going there. That makes sense. Although that would make it long distance at first. Mercedes, prettyfish, Rori and all the ladies on here who have been abused, I am so sorry for the pain u have all gone through. Thank God u have healed and in the process of healing by helping other ladies pull through. Just put your trust in the mighty healer above us that you will pull through this terrible experience that u have all gone through. No its not your fault. Definitely not. Mercedes, I didn’t know u are a counsellor. I have always said u sound like one. I really enjoyed reading the posts last night and this morning. Zia, I think u were the one who reposted some of Rori’s posts. Thank u very much for that. I think I am going to copy the last one u post (don’t know if u posted anymore). Going to look at it again. Kristine, I really enjoy your posts. Your posts are very positive and heart warming and u sound like a nice person. Very encouraging. It flashed cross my mind on more than one occasion that it would be nice if we had a conference of some sort, some day to discuss womens’ issues. It would really be a good idea and we would all get to meet each other. Wow, long post, sorry. I am so happy its the weekend.

  145.  #145Kath on April 27, 2013 at 5:31 am

    I’ve sunk down into all my uneasy feelings and although it doesn’t feel very nice- I know I have to do it. My whole feeling of insecurity and angst stems from two issues which I have tried to communicate to my guy but which he has not understood and has continued to be issues. Firstly, I moved in with him to stop him from losing the house and had no idea it would cost so much money. Secondly,he was very good friends with a woman whom I (and everyone else) dislikes and don’t trust. Initially he said he’d stop seeing her because it would come between us, but in the last couple of months he has resumed contact and even offered her help and not told me about it. At the New Year he also didn’t tell me for two days that his wife had come over to the house and delivered presents and that they’d ended up having a huge row over the house and the divorce. He said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want it to ruin our New Year. He doens’t understand that my trust in him is now seriously shaken because he chose to control a situation that wasn’t his to control. I feel really misunderstood and like I’ve made a terrible mistake even though I love him and I know he loves me- but that doesn’t seem to be enough for either for us.

  146.  #146Zara on April 27, 2013 at 5:37 am

    136: k2012 says
    *****Zia, I think u were the one who reposted some of Rori’s posts. Thank u very much for that. I think I am going to copy the last one u post (don’t know if u posted anymore). Going to look at it again. *****

    It seems like the names Zia and Zara are being confused, yet they are two different names who belong to two different posters.

    To find Rori’s posts pasted by Zara, type my name Zara in the search box of your browser and all my posts will come up.

    I feel glad Rori’s brilliant articles are helping you. They do a lot for me.


  147.  #147Lisa on April 27, 2013 at 5:42 am

    Had a wonderful date with “M” last night… I went inward and leaned back… didn’t talk…he ask me several times what I was thinking… then started to ask me questions about me… I see now that he really does have interest in me… that I just need to lean back for him to ask…

    I do have a question though, he seems to have his feelings somewhat hurt that I won’t “cook a dinner for him”. It has only been 3.5 months.. What is the Rori suggestion on this. If it is too soon for me to cook him dinner ( just for him) what would be a good way to say it?

    How do I spark the romance in him… we usually go out to eat every date and then sometimes do whatever… but I’m wanting to see more of his romantic side… is there ways to say that without prompting, coaxing or suggesting.. I feel happy, I love romance… type thing?

  148.  #148k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 5:52 am

    “This is what Rori said: “The goal here is for you to learn to WANT a man who WANTS you!”

    So a man who disappears, doesn’t include you, doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t call or doesn’t want you to be part of his life, is not the man you really want. Is it?”. Yep. Indeed. Thanks for posting this Kristine. The man who disappears, oh yeah, tell me about that one. Disappears for a few days and then returns, doesn’t call-i did all the calling, didn’t invite me to his family reunion is NOT the man I really want. Yeah. I am oh so familiar with this. Anyman who has done that to me would not stand half of a chance of getting a second chance with me. I know what u are talking about Kristine. And then when they behave like that u chase them-call and call-big mistake although I usually lean back after a time(didn’t know that term then). I have learnt SO MUCH since my breakup last July. I am telling you.

  149.  #149k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 6:12 am

    “There are way too many men out there who text to keep us hooked, and they don’t move the relationship forward. It keeps us stuck. Its way too easy for them and they often text lots of women who jump at the attention. They don’t really want those women. They never will. They just like to know the women are still around and available and waiting for them.”. “If a man wants me, he will call me. Same goes for you. If he wants you, he will call. Even from out of state.” True true Kristine. As a matter of fact, even if he is out of the COUNTRY, if they are interested, they will call. Disappearing ex (my last boyfriend who disappeared, hence the name), hardly called. Once in a blue moon. Same thing for the guy before him. They were both long distance and overseas for me. Overseas cd now, says he doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Lol. If he was really interested seriously in me, he would have called. Zara, sorry to confuse u with Zia. Sorry about that. Yes the reposting really helps. Thanks.

  150.  #150sophie on April 27, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Hi Sirens I found Rori nearly three years ago and learning from her and everyone on the blog has helped me (and my friends) change so many of my not-working behaviours I still have my stucknesses though and it would feel good to be a bit more proactive with the blog and to have some advice.

    Where I’m at now…I was seeing a man way to regularly as it was only the first few months..times were difficult in my life and I was vulnerable to the energy coming my way…anyway I was aware during this time and did my best not to overally emotionally invest. He pulled away at the 3 month stage saying that he didnt want any commitment and I leaned back and have continued to do so. I am however thinking about him and I do however want him and we all know this is an uncomfortable place to be.

    I am doing what I can to focus on me and change my vibe but still feel a bit flat and frustrated – I would love to circular date but really really don’t like online dating and it feels difficult without that to meet men – how do we do it????? 🙂

    Also with the online thing I did put up a profile but I know myself that my vibe was non-committed to it and a bit ugh I don’t really want to do this – ive done it before and felt excited but not this time I just feel blergh.

    I am feeling inpatient I think. I know I could invest more in what would excite and thrill me (that’s how I feel sireny when I’m buzzing and passionate) and I will do – I don’t like this needy feeling.

    I was identifying with what i think it was Purple was saying about leaning back always feels a bit like waiting for a man to call the shots but I also realise in my situation I need to fill my time up so there’s no more waiting.

    Thanks for all being here this blog really does rule xx

  151.  #151k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 6:37 am

    This newsletter by Rori is definitely the guide I am using as I move forward from a breakup that took place last July which I got over by December. Give thanks. I call it the chasing newsletter and this is a newsletter that I never get tired of reading. It serves as a reminder of how I am going to operate in dating in the beginning stages before a committed relationship takes place. So here goes Rori’s newsletter on chasing men. ” Are you chasing after a man and don’t even know it?

    I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man drift away. Every single one of us women instinctively want to go run after a man, grab him and thrown him to the ground, rather than let him get away.

    We know we’re not supposed to be chasing after him, and yet it’s so hard not to. In this new, modern era, we’re all confused:

    • We all get the lines between friendship and romance blurred• We think being “friendly” is the same as showing interest in a man• We’re taught to think that reaching out to a man is necessary• We’re taught to think that if we act “casual” a man won’t notice that we’re actually chasing him But, the truth is, we are.
    If we’re feeling just “friendly,” if we really don’t feel attracted to, or interested, in a man, then WHATEVER WE DO, our “vibe” will be just “friendly.”

    But, if we actually ARE attracted to a man, if we ARE interested in him in a romantic way, and then we try to ACT “friendly” – it’s going to come off as fake.

    It’s going to come across to him as inauthentic. It’s going to come across to him like chasing. And, it’s going to make him feel all kinds of things, but none of those things will be what you want him to feel – attraction for you.

    How Do You Know If You’re Chasing?
    Here are some things we may think of as “friendly,” that are actually CHASING a man:

    1. Calling Him Up
    This includes:

    • Calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to or – anything at all• Calling him to ask him why he hasn’t called you• Calling him to tell him you’re upset that you haven’t heard from him• Calling him to give him directions to your home or answering any question he hasn’t specifically asked, or giving him any information he hasn’t specifically asked for, or offering anything This does NOT include:

    You’re having a problem or an emergency, and you can’t reach a friend or a relative, and you’ve been dating him long enough that he’s started “future-talking” about things he’d like to do with you and places he’d like to go with you, and you need his help.

    Don’t be afraid of appearing weak. If you need something – something of course that has nothing to do with the relationship – don’t be afraid to ask. This is what being a girl is all about.

    2. Initiating Other “Friendly” Contact
    This includes:

    • E-mailing him• Texting him• Facebooking him• Writing him• Sending him a cute card• Dropping by his house• Dropping by his gym• Calling up his friend …Or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.

    3. Moving Things Forward
    This includes:

    • Making suggestions, making plans and then inviting him to come and join you, offering to drive to him, offering to drive on the date, offering to put him up for the night on your couch, or in your bed…• Offering to cook for him, initiating sex, initiating affection (in any way other than smiling with an open heart and body), initiating the “talk” about “where the relationship is going,” getting anything having to do with the relationship “started”…• Creating a “special occasion,” sending him anything (pictures, mementos, ideas), thinking out loud to him about things you can do together, telling him about things you can do together, and creating things to do together… …Or, in any way, acting like the social director of the relationship.

    4. Asking Him How He “Feels”
    This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you,” or the “relationship.”

    These are things we do almost without even thinking about it. These are things that feel natural to us. It feels almost weird and unnatural to not do these things. It feels like we’re not being”nice.”

    It feels like we’re not being “friendly.” It feels like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re “interested” in him. It feels like we’re just letting him slip through our fingers.

    And Nothing Could Be Further From The Truth
    Everything on the list above is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.

    He may LIKE it. He may go along with it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him.

    But, you will never know how he really feels about you. As long as YOU’RE the one running the show, he may follow, but he’ll never feel inspired. And, you will never feel adored. This is the point where you will find yourself up late at night crying and wondering why he doesn’t want to commit to you.

    How To Feel Adored…As You Should Be
    The total, complete opposite of this is being a

    Modern Siren:

    • A Siren will lure a man to her without doing any of those things that so many of us think are so necessary to do• A Siren inspires a man to chase her because of how SHE feels about herself• A Siren not only knows how to magnetically attract a man to chase HER, but can LET a man chase her• A Siren knows how to receive what a man wants to give her – which is everything• A Siren expresses herself in words and with her body language so that a man can FEEL her down to his toes• A Siren is a woman who loves herself so much that she can turn even the parts of herself she may think are ugly and unpleasant and difficult and painful – into her most powerful assets• A Siren knows that what a man craves is EMOTION. Emotion that he can’t find in himself. Emotion that will make him feel like a whole man. A man is used to what he thinks of as “drama” in a woman – and Emotion is something completely different than drama. Emotion is the missing piece for a man Being in the presence of a woman who can feel her feelings – no matter what they are – makes a man feel both real and safe, all at the same time. It feels utterly magical to him.

    Being a Siren is about luring a man. About allowing him to chase her without being “passive” or “powerless.”

    And being a Siren will make you the magical creature who can make a man whole.

    If you’d like to know exactly what to DO and SAY in order to embody those Siren qualities I just mentioned, try my

    Modern Siren program.

    You’ll learn exactly how to BE around a man so that he feels utterly mesmerized and attracted, without you having to do any chasing, pursuing, calling, cajoling or enticing. It’s a very authentic and feminine way of being, and it is exactly what attracts a man and tugs at his heart:

    Try Modern Siren And Magnetize Him
    The next time you’re tempted to do any of those things I’ve listed in the “Chasing List” – and you’re tempted to think of any of those things as something nice and friendly and womanly, and something that a man would like – don’t do it.

    You will begin to feel like a Siren – like the magical creature you are, just because you’re a woman – when you start practicing just knowing that you have everything a man needs without having to do anything at all.


    Modern Siren program will teach you exactly how to do this, step-by-step.

    And once you learn the Tools in Modern Siren, you won’t feel the need to “make something happen” with a man – the right man will make sure he lets you know how much he adores you.

    Love, Rori

  152.  #152Heart on April 27, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Hi Blog – I feel good & relaxed right now. I’ve been working hard still …it’s almost like a form of mediation …I’m so exhausted…I find it so much easier to be present…*knocks on wood*

    Prp – (((hug))) If it was me…as hard as it might seem…I would babystep my way towards moving on. Find a new hobby? This guy is showing some alarming signs that he is Not Your Champion…so keep hoping…but keep moving at the same time.

    Lisa – oh no…your heading down dangerous territory. If it was me …I would be like : Hmmm had a wonderful date with M. Stop. Wonder whats on TV.

    Well I had a coffee date with Gym cd. I actually forgot all about him and decided I didnt want to communicate with a guy that wasn’t asking me out. Well surprise he wrote & asked me out. It was good practice…and he complained about how long I took to respond to texts…lol. I was just busy and didnt care that much…funny to think he had been counting the days in between my texts.
    Anyway I want a romantic guy…and I just didn’t feel turned on by him but he was really nice. We had more of a friend vibe anyway.

  153.  #153Heart on April 27, 2013 at 6:50 am

    I feel grateful that the men in my life poofed or didnt step up…I am able to see that this re-occuring pain pattern has nada to do with any specific guy. I don’t want to obsess about a text message, a phone call etc etc. I don’t want a clingy needyfill-me up relationship crutch.

    I want to experience real love and real intimacy…and even though that feels like a dream….I feel happy I can identify this pain pattern that has re-emerged time and time again.

    I feel curious about the Next Guy…#mirrors message

  154.  #154sophie on April 27, 2013 at 6:54 am

    ((Heart)) you feel happy and positive x its nice energy x i’m going to vamp up my life …just not enough going on 🙂 x

  155.  #155Lisa on April 27, 2013 at 7:01 am


    Yay! Sounds awesome you found the pattern and are already looking forward to this new man and the new you!


  156.  #156Heart on April 27, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Thanks Sophie..I feel smily reading your comment (I always laugh a bit whenever I write – I feel smile-y …feels funny!)

  157.  #157prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:06 am

    I don’t know what to say anymore. Many things on here I totally get and agree with. Other things not so much. I understand that we all have our own ideas and opinions and way of looking at things. Like the texting. H and I are not in a long distance relationship and we are not in a new relationship so I see nothing wrong with it (for general conversation). Tho our time together can be limited we do spend enough time together talking face to face. Even tho it was thru texting I believe I expressed myself to him last night in a way that was not needy or clingy and I believe it has been resolved. And I did not accuse him or blame him. I’m not sure who said it (correct me if I’m wrong) I think it was Kristine that actions speak louder then words. I agree totally and I will be paying close attention to his actions.

    I really do appreciate everyones input on here. Please don’t think for a moment that I don’t. I love this blog and having a safe place to go to for support and guidance.

  158.  #158Heart on April 27, 2013 at 7:14 am

    thanks Lisa 🙂 ….gl with M.

    Prp – I would encourage you to find the emotions motivating you to text him. For me 80% of the time when I feel I have to have to do something it’s because of Fear. Then I know to Do nothing….cuz anything I do would have that crazy energy attached. Are you ever on the receiving end of that? Like when a guy sends you a couple of texts and you can feel the neediness? And you just feel turned off and not like responding?

  159.  #159Olivia on April 27, 2013 at 7:18 am

    @Sophie -do you have any specific passions you could start directing energy to? Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to fix your bike or car, or bake the perfect pie, or do watercolors, or volunteer with stray animals, etc. etc. or whatever appeals to you. Bonus points for something that would get you out there in the world, circulating. I know it has helped me, whenever I’m feeling like I’m directing too much energy HIS way to direct energy to myself and my fun project because it makes me feel good about myself.

    Online dating: tell us more what you didn’t like about if you like so the Sirens can ruminate on that and share how they got over their “yuck” feelings about it, or didn’t get over them, or made it work for them.

    On circular dating. I do my best to remember to “practice” on the men at my job, men I meet at happy hour out with co-workers, men I encounter doing errands. On the subway, I practice on my fears by trying to make eye contact and smile at men who I’m attracted to for whatever reason.

    Once in awhile I will have a one-on-one meetup with a male friend or another fella for some reason that comes up, and that feels more like a “date” and is even better “practice.”

    These are the things that help keep me functioning like a siren.


  160.  #160Zia on April 27, 2013 at 7:24 am

    My ex never turned up today so I basically messaged him to say that I would source what i need to replace the furniture of his that’s still here, and can arrange for him to collect his stuff in the next couple of weeks.

    He said it’s probably for the best so we can both move on, but then HAD to throw out the “I just want what’s best for you, and I’m not what’s best for you” rubbish line. I’ve had this before. It’s a cop out. Why do guys say crap like this???

    Better to say nothing, because all it means is that “I don’t want to step up to the plate” which I already knew. I am feeling so angry and upset right now.

  161.  #161prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Heart….I let him initiate contact. He initiated the contact last night as well. I’ve been doing really well at leaning back and letting him come to me. And in doing so things have actually been much better between him and I. He has been reaching forward. (Refer to posts from a previous thread-Mercedes was excited at how things were going). The issue we had last night (about him going out of town for his daughters volleyball and not letting me know til the last second) actually stemmed from lack of communication between him and I on that particular subject. And then hence the communication between him and I as I explained above. I am hoping that there is a better understanding between us now and that it won’t happen again.

  162.  #162prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Oh, and by the way, I have been cd’ing. I’m still kinda a newby and I’m still learning and have a lot of Rori’s programs to listen to/watch yet, but it is kinda fun. And I will be going out tonight with friends. I always have an excellent time with them. Yay me!

  163.  #163prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:38 am

    @ Zia (((((hugs))))) I’ve been fed that line before too. HATE IT!!! Your absolutely right….it’s a “cop out”. I feel for you.

  164.  #164Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 7:40 am

    prplpsn I have noticed that you have not responded to some comments I made to you which I took as meaning that I might have said something in the past that rubbed you the wrong way. If that happened I apologize. I had decided that I was not going to say anything more about your situation but just wanted to let you know that yes sometimes some things we read can feel confusing because only each individual actually know their personal circumstance and context. I do believe texting in your situation is relevant maybe even needed at times, especially if he is away so much. Some guys do use it to string us along but I believe I have seen Rori write that texting is fantastic. I have had guys tell me also that after work they hate the phone because they are on it so much. I have also had guys tell me that when they are bored they will flip through their phone and text. I believe the key here is focussing on how you feel in his presence and out of his presence. For me receiving a text in the middle of the day just to say I am thinking of you feels good. I choose to receive that as love as long as the whole relationship is not hinged on a text connection. I am Dominique who suggests you take a look at if this is the man for you. If absolutely nothing changes about his behavior or how he is being can you honestly say that you could love him unconditionally and accept him as he is?

    I would accept that nothing around his kids will change. I would look at how I want to control the situation. Even if he gives you what you want it could still feel unsatisfactory because he did not do it on his own. He would be giving you what you tell him you want. It will feel more fulfilling and rewarding for both of you if he is internally motivated. I get your disappointment and I also get his wanting to avoid it. I can tell you even if he was a son he would run from that. I recently had a situation with my own son reacting to my disappointment in him. He felt it. He shifted his behavior on his own when I shifted my attention away from him, just to experiment. If everytime he disappoints you, you have to tell him and react to it he will do this. I see it as a pattern that has been established. It is within you to change this. Just because you are free doesn’t mean he should be obligated to be with you. He chooses to want to be with you when he has free time. The more those moments feel happy to him and make him feel like a big powerful man he will want to create more of those moments for himself. Pay attention to the words you use that he responds positively to and use more of those words. That would mean you have dialled him to his love channel with his attention language.

    Hope this makes sense.

  165.  #165Vi on April 27, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Hi Lisa, re 139. I feel afraid I am not going to answer your question but I feel eager to suggest my take on it 🙂
    I would use this opportunity and suggest a small adventure of cooking smth together, smth you’ve always wanted to try but never did and if he agrees to help then I would use this chance to see how you two cooperate and how you feel about it. I’d ask a man if he accepts the challenge and what he thinks 🙂 then I’d stay curious ..
    Or if I was asked if Im going to cook smth for him and felt firm I dont want to, I’d say ‘maybe ‘ and smile, and if he asked when I’d say ‘I dont know’ and smile and U would add maybe that It would feel great to cook smth for him one day and I will defenitely let him know when I feel like that.. and smile 🙂

  166.  #166Vi on April 27, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Prplsn28, re 154 Woo hoo 🙂

  167.  #167Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Zia – that “better to say nothing” is you queue that you tend to want to control the outcome. It might have been toxic for you but doesn’t mean he could be perfect for another woman. Believe he had a very good reason for saying what he said. He knows himself and what he has to offer. I imagine that he also knows what is wrong with him and I hope would not want that to cause any ruin or bad in your life. I don’t see what he said as crap or a cop out. He sees the Goddess in you and knows you deserve a King/God. Do you see that in yourself? I would encourage him to agree with him in case he says that again. Just say “you are right” or “you may just be right, I agree with you” and leave it right there. Disagreeing with him won’t inspire romance even if that is not what you want from him. Look at your reaction to and see if it creates happy vibes, peace and harmony inside you.

    Did he feel that you wanted him to step up to the plate in some way? Did he feel that this was a strategy just to get to connect with him? I don’t know but there is a reason why he wants to stay away and if I were you I would practice respecting that. I will help you to respect Mr. Right’s choices when he shows up.

  168.  #168prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:54 am

    @ FW….THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! For understanding and explaining the texting thing. I don’t think I’ve been able to explain myself in regards to that well enough and others are misunderstanding. Everything you’ve said makes perfect sense. I totally understand and accept H’s busy schedule and everything he’s got going on with his kids, etc. I love the person he is. I think he is a really good caring guy. I just think there is some lack of communication between us in certain areas. Ex: last night. And I feel good about how things were handled, what was said. Am I making sense? Sometimes I feel as tho I’m not expressing myself clearly.

  169.  #169prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Thanks Vi 🙂

  170.  #170Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Vi/Lisa – I like the idea but I feel hesitant about the “challenge” part. I am not sure why it feels like competition to me. I guess maybe working as a team more resonates with me. Kinda create a idea, what he thinks and then create a mutual agreement around that. Look at what serves the moment best when he asks that kind of thing because maybe that is what he wants in a relationship or he might just be wanting to know he can influence you without being rejected. The other thing that came to mind was CCarter’s “I would love to do that but with a man I am in a committed relationship with”.

  171.  #171prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 7:59 am

    @ FW 159….I have never understood why men say that either and have always thought of it as a cop out….but what you are saying here makes sense. Thanks

  172.  #172Heart on April 27, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Prp – Well that sounds reasonable. I’m not familiar with your story. I’m just going by what you wrote in this comment section. When you wrote that you couldn’t wait until next week to talk…I felt a little concerned. I recognize that couldn’t wait feeling…and though your conversation with your guy sounds good…That I-couldn’t-wait-I-just-had-to-get-it-out feeling is kind of like an alarm for me.
    Prp I sense a kind of fearful strategic vibe (We Have All Been there) and it makes me imagine you energtically holding onto this man.
    Don’t feel bad…I’m just projecting…it’s really myself-in-the-past I’m talking to…

  173.  #173BeLoved on April 27, 2013 at 8:03 am

    This morning I put some sugar in my coffee at the coffee shop because I didn’t think I had any stevia with me. I remembered that I do, in fact have stevia with me, and I feel proud of myself for asking the barista to dump out my coffee and pour me a new cup.


    I just don’t like how sugar in my coffee makes me feel.
    Stevia feeeeeels good, to my body, my mind and my soul.

    More and more often, I feel the glimpses of that sweetness in ME that I’m really craving when I want sugar. I’ve been reading books about food addiction for YEARS and finally, finally FINALLY, I’m feeling that REAL goodness, that real sweetness of being that I’ve been craving when I would reach for the sugar. More and more often it catches me off guard, and I feel laughter and gold and color moving through me, I smile, blissed, remembering, “Oh, yeah, THAT’S the stuff!”

  174.  #174Heart on April 27, 2013 at 8:04 am

    what happened to Tam …

  175.  #175Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:06 am

    You make sense prplpsn. Only you know the total picture and as I said I believe the way to go is by asking yourself some tough questions like the ones Dominique suggested. Sometimes we turn our energies towards our men just because we are afraid of dealing with what is going on inside us. Like the fear of losing control in the relationship, or losing the man or believing that we are not good enough. Questions like what it is about me that causes me to get so angry when he does this? Is it that I don’t trust?

    I believe your leaning back and him leaning towards you was a great learning moment and the more you can channel your psychic energies away from him and towards you to see what happens it will become clearer to you what works in this relationship. Next time something like this happen I would try “enjoy” or ignoring it as Kristine suggested. You might be surprised if he comes back later thinking you are angry and you let him know you are not. You were just living your busy life and having fun without him, he might not want that to happen and do something to make sure he is there. I would experiment with all the options, just to see.

  176.  #176Zia on April 27, 2013 at 8:10 am

    FW: yeah he was the one who’s insecurity and jealousy issues were so severe that he made up a story in his head that i cheated on him with a friend of his. He was the one who had said he wanted to get past it and make things work then decided he couldn’t. But you definitely raise a different perspective, and your suggested response is perfect.

    I didn’t want anything from him here… I just want his stuff out of my house so that I can cut the physical ties with him since he’s been out of the house for two months now. I realised that I the only reason i was ok with keeping his stuff here because I thought it left an opening for things to maybe happen again between us. But with his stuff gone, I can move forward with my life and know that *if* he decides to contact me in the future it would be because he wanted to, not because he had to contact me to get his stuff back….

  177.  #177Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:13 am

    prplpsn RE 164 Heart has a point there that I would seriously consider. It is something we have seen reoccur with ourselves and others on the blog here and in the real world.

  178.  #178prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Heart – Ya, I need to work on that. He in fact started the conversation last night. He initiated. So why not get it out and resolve it? Texting is not the best way, I agree, but it came up so why not?

    “energetically holding onto this man” ?? Feel sad now.

  179.  #179k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Zara, check out Rori’s newsletter I reposted on chasing. Ladies, we should all save this newsletter. Its really helpful I tell u. We should all be guided by it. Please see above.

  180.  #180Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Zia I totally agreed with the getting rid of the stuff. I want to celebrate you for doing that and creating space for a new man and new relationship. Reaching out to him to get them was where I did not agree with you, and at this 8 week mark. This is the time that many suggests that the guy is really missing you and might be thinking of reaching out. In reaching out to him, we interrupt his emotional process. Maybe mailing it to him or just donating them to charity would have been what I would do, knowing what I know now. If there were really important to him he would have collected them already on his own or reaching out to you to ask that you don’t dump them. There is a lesson in this experience for you that only you can know what it is. What is his message to you?

  181.  #181Heart on April 27, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Prp – you’re always Perfect..wherever u are on your self-love self-discovery journey…feeling sad is not a bad thing…

  182.  #182Vi on April 27, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Femininewoman re 162 thank you It feels so good to see your input! I meant the challenge of cooking smth nfor the first time, smth you’ve never cooked before 🙂

  183.  #183Zia on April 27, 2013 at 8:23 am

    FW: that’s interesting… i didn’t know that! the thing is, they’re furniture – the bed, tv and fridge. He wanted them back, but is living with his parents for the next 4 months and had said that I could hold on to them until he was ready to move into his own place. Which I originally agreed to (but with ulterior motives in thinking it would “leave the door open”). But I’ve realised that I just can’t have them here because it is stopping me from moving forward myself. In arranging to get these items replaced and him take them back sooner, it is completely about me putting my needs first. This is something I’ve never done before – I’ve always let the man/ex dictate how and when things would end. If that makes sense?

  184.  #184Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:26 am

    “Feel sad now”. Does this mean that you are going into beating up on yourself? Then I would disagree with you. I say Yayy you, if it is something you are noticing about yourself. It is to notice and tell yourself “sweet girl. You are such a great friend and lover. You have so much love swirling around inside you that you want to slather it all over the man you love. hhhm I wonder how I can slather it all over men and the world at large”. We all have a lot of energy, all kinds of energies at our disposal to use creatively. Noticing we are energetically holding onto a man is awareness we can use to practice letting go. I hold on psychically (if that is a word). The difference is now I know I do. I feel myself doing it and I visualize letting out that energy into the world as tangled balls of strings then focus my attention elsewhere. I am a powerful creator. Enough power to hold a man and shake him in my mind. Then let him go 🙂 hehe

    Also to love him tenderly and then let him go. Lonely and wanting more out into the world to hear my siren song as the most enchanting song he ever. Bringing him closer and closer to me.

  185.  #185Zia on April 27, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Once again I am SO glad to have this place to get such a different perspective on things!!! I felt triggered and angry by that line but I held back on expressing that to him…. before I would have just let loose with the crazy! But I’m so glad I can come here and vent and get some different opinions on it… but best of all, I’ve learned to WAIT before responding to anything that I am feeling angered by or wanting to lash out at.

  186.  #186BeLoved on April 27, 2013 at 8:27 am


    “That I-couldn’t-wait-I-just-had-to-get-it-out feeling is kind of like an alarm for me.”

    This made me groan and giggle in recognition 🙂

    That was the feeling that had me calling T and saying how I wanted to be married and all that.
    FW was right, too, I believe I totally interrupted his emotional process, and threw myself for a loop as well. If I hadn’t done that, if I had written it all out and riffed I might be dating a couple of new guys now instead of having cut them off telling them I had decided to be married.

    Nothing to be done about it now except keep taking things one moment at a time and deal with the consequences.

    I remember dating a guy in Seattle, who would totally derail me and ask me if he could call me back in 30 minutes.
    Every. Single. Time. He would call back and I had pretty much forgotten what seemed so urgent and compelling, or by then it seemed silly and inconsequential.

    I believe that I’m getting a better handle on this pattern, and I am also coming to see it as a deeply ingrained Need to Struggle. I feel good about this! As if I’m finally seeing it instead of being it, which gives me hope that it will eventually fall away completely, or at least wreak less havoc on my life.

  187.  #187Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Makes a lot of sense Zia. Now you are aware how you were not voting for yourself. I feel so riled up thinking how you agreed to that. I guess it triggered my anger toward myself when I allowed guys to take priority rather than making myself the priority. If he wanted them back his parents would have made space in their place. Or he would have made some arrangements. Men do what they want.

  188.  #188Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Oii BeLoved. I feel happy that you are seeing this. I was concerned about what you wrote about the situation a few posts ago but felt confident that you would look deeper. Reading that Need to Struggle comment sent a rush a energy toward my head to the point now that I am feeling pressure in the forerfront of my forehead and tension in my mouth. I am choosing to let go of the struggle. I intend to let go of struggle. Life supports me.

  189.  #189Zia on April 27, 2013 at 8:34 am

    FW: It’s how I’ve always been and what this last relationship has prompted me to change about myself. So, for that I am grateful! He, and that relationship ending the way it did was what led me here. When we broke up, I’d only just started getting into Rori’s stuff, and I’ve been working through it and on myself over the past couple of months. I’ve always allowed the men to dictate how the relationship would end, and I’d be the sucker to hold out hope about them changing my mind. I knew I agreed to it because I was hoping that it would keep the door open, but I finally realised that no – if HE wants to step up, he will… and if he doesn’t, it’s better that I clear out the “junk” and move forward. Stay on my bridge! And i Loved the horse analogy that was posted before.

    Thank you so much for your input, I really, honestly appreciate everything you’ve written in response 🙂

  190.  #190prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 8:41 am

    FW 176 – Ok maybe I’m just too new at this yet or nieve but I’m confused. You say: “Noticing we are energetically holding onto a man is awareness we can use to practice letting go….Enough power to hold a man and shake him in my mind. Then let him go hehe” and then you say: “Bringing him closer and closer to me.”

    We are letting go but we are bringing him closer????

  191.  #191Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Yep. Think counterintuitive. The thing that we do most of the time is what we have learned by what we saw in our parents relationships, that mostly is broken. Or what we have seen in movies. We have been lied to about how to be in relationships. prplpsn trust that there is a treasure trove of things to learn in those programs you bought from Rori and commit to spending time going through them. A lot of what is in Reconnect Your Relationship is about letting go. I used to do the hold him and shake him a lot. In my heart, my mind and my energy. I didn’t know what I was doing though. Now I know. So if I catch myself falling back into my patterns, I just notice, laugh then switch to something else.

    Even thinking about a man is chasing him. That was my greatest shocker when I started to learn from Rori.

  192.  #192prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Zia 177 – you said: I’ve learned to WAIT before responding to anything that I am feeling angered by or wanting to lash out at.

    That is exactly what I’m currently working on with myself. Any helpful tips to conquer this?

  193.  #193Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Also a lot of mothers do the hold him, shake him and scold him thing with their sons. So the bad boy do everything possible to play mind games with mom, lie to her and hide from her. I experienced that just this week with my son. Men don’t want to experience that from their lovers as it reminds them of their mom, who they don’t want to be with. It makes them feel wrong. They feel they can’t win or do anything right. It makes them want to hide, run away or lie to avoid the motherly smothering feel.

    They want to feel powerful, unstoppable, like heros. Just paying close attention and we will get the cues. He also need to feel the thrill of not being able to fully control you.

  194.  #194Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:57 am

    prplpsn – pause. count. Ask yourself “why am I angry?” Then turn your attention internally to see if you can identify the feeling and follow it around inside yourself.

  195.  #195Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Zia – I just noticed that you said “I am grateful” and I just want to gently encourage you to practice writing, thinking and expressing I feel.

  196.  #196Daria on April 27, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I’m here! still alive and getting stronger (after feeling like a hunted animal having developed electrical sensitivity to Cell Phone radiation, wifi , even towers and Especially when in a car…

    but am also sensitive to crystals now! am wearing a necklace that strengthens me (i don’t feel as fried with it on) and have ordered soemthing online that will protect me from EMFS…


  197.  #197prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 9:21 am

    FW – thanks. When your accustomed to the actions you’ve known all your life it’s hard to just sit back, take a breath, relax, and let it go. I am going to sit down today hopefully before I go out and listen to Rori’s Reconnect Your Relationship. I believe it was you who suggested that.

  198.  #198ALA on April 27, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Typical, oh-so-familiar pattern from D’s respose to my email. He poofed. I feel sad about that. Though I feel better about myself that he would even reconsider being with me. It was tough hearing all the lies he would say. I did respond to his poofing, telling him I need more than imaginary. The way things are/were aren’t cutting it.

    I feel that I can continue now to learn and grow. Life has some unexpected curve-balls thrown my way. Yet it also has the potential to create something magical and fulfilling.

    I have two dates this weekend. Look forward to the practice. Not feeling ready for anything serious. These guys make me smile. That’s good enough for now. 🙂

    I need to read back on all the goings on with everyone.

  199.  #199ALA on April 27, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Hola, Daria! 🙂

  200.  #200ALA on April 27, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Jesse 1000 – I feel happy reading that! 🙂

    I feel all alone on the blog.

    Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on April 27, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Uh-oh. I’m on the wrong thread…

  202.  #202Senior Lady Vibe on April 27, 2013 at 10:10 am

    342: Senior Lady Vibe says:


    I was just inspired by watching a “Project Runway” video and when I checked Vogue Patterns online I found a $3.88 five-day sale which lasts through tomorrow, Sunday April 28th.

    $3.88 is a big discount especially for the $20.00 designer patterns. Claire Shaeffer’s Chanel “little black jacket” from her couture series is also $3.88!


    Saturday, 27 April 2013 @ 10:05am

  203.  #203Veronica on April 27, 2013 at 10:13 am

    K2012 – 143 – Thank you so much for posting the article. I was feeling conflicted about how I was processing things. I didn’t do any of the chasing that was listed. But I do feel sad that I keep thinking about him and as FW said above that is also a kind of chasing. I feel like I’m depleting myself and my opportunities for more discovery. I am enjoying your gratitude – it’s like you have a warm energy to you.

    FW – I am loving what you are writing here. Beautiful!

  204.  #204prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Thinking about him is a kind of chasing. Really? No matter how busy you make yourself and how preoccupied you make yourself how can you NOT possibly think of him at some point? I can’t comprehend this.

  205.  #205Indigo on April 27, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Purple 196,

    The way I understand it, a fleeting thought of him, or to briefly send him some good vibes, is perfectly fine – it’s the dwelling on him, wondering, obsessing about him or what has happened which is unhealthy. This is sending far too much energy his way. It is possible to train your mind not to do this, by gently steering it away every time you find yourself wondering or obsessing too much.

    Also spending time thinking about why he does what he does, or what he is thinking and feeling – this is getting into his head, and not our business, and we have no way of knowing this anyway (Dominique is great at reminding us of this)

  206.  #206prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Thanks Indigo for explaining that 🙂 I understand now

  207.  #207seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:20 am

    So much awesome stuuf this morning!!! Great big HELLO to all on this most glorious morning, almost noon!!!!

    Zara 111- 200% into loving me!! All of that post is right on the money and the part about being in a relationship. The LIST> The only thing on the list is how I FEEL in it. Safe cherished loved not judged. It’s how “I” FEEL:)
    and then 112- Byron Katie is beautiful. Inside and out. I felt so much come up watching that video. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you Zara. And that feels so good to write!
    134 RN AmazingMe- SWAG!!!! I am SWAG so are my SWAG FEELINGS!!!!! love that term!!! hahahahahaaha Thanks!

  208.  #208seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:24 am

    115 and 116 Zara-How is it (and IS it) possible to have sex and not become attached to a man?

    Is it possible, if you like him enough to sleep with him, to not have your hormones and homing instincts kick in?

    Because it worked for me with my husband – I have to say “yes.” I couldn’t, in all honesty, say anything else.

    It worked for my friend Virginia Feingold Clark, even though it took a few years for her to figure it out and then, once she did, quickly and easily get married to her husband (she’s got a great book coming out about all this soon, I’ll let you know…) – even though it didn’t work for her BEFORE she met her husband.

    I am asking for some help on this. I feel, not confused but, like I’m holding a bunch of puzzle pieces and dropping very pertinent pieces. I feel spotty on this, Misty landscape where I can see it but mist moves in aagain to obscure it.

  209.  #209sophie on April 27, 2013 at 11:26 am

    @151 Olivia

    thank you olivia! Yes I definitely need some new passions I need to give this some serious thought and i’m not very good at practising all over the place once again I might try – often I find myself deliberately being unsireny as I don’t like to attract tooo much attention or attention from the men I’m not interested in – I guess this is something that I need to work on as rori teaches being open to all doesnt she?

    Indigo – have you mastered the art of not thinking/dwelling etc on a man? I am soooo obsessive even though I’m a lot less obsessive than I used to be – do you have any further thoughts on how to do it/ have you noticed a gradual change in yourself or are there other techniques you use?

  210.  #210seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:28 am

    wait!!! I didn’t mean to post that yet!!!! That’s part of a quote from Rori and it starts from Is it possible……………….. and then my question starting with…. I am asking for help on this………………… egads, I got ahead of myself. hehehehehhehe……….. I feel silly but, I was actually thinking about sex and then I was thinking about last night and the men I had seen and then biting a mans behind. omg!! Cracked myself up!!!!!!!!

  211.  #211seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I feel very giggly and am laughing Very out loud at the visual of me walking up to a man and asking if he didn’t mins so very much if I bite his behind……….. O…….M……..G!!!!!! hahahaha!!!! Feels so good to laugh

  212.  #212seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Purple- Hi there! I remember the tool that got me the most was the one where you imagine holding, clinging hanging onto his head, or his hair, or his eyeballs!!! I think in pictures so this went like lightening through my body when I read that. I felt so repulsed by the pic in my head, I dropped the thoughts of him FAST! I also shook my hands really hard like i was getting sticky goo off. It was Ewwwwwwww! I am sooooo not doing that!

  213.  #213Dominique on April 27, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Purple 109 – then how about email? if not then text it is.


  214.  #214seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 11:42 am

    I feel amazement!! Now that I look back when I went Ewwwwww…and let go. I felt soory for doing that to him and then I felt sorry for myself for doing that to me. Then the WHY’s started really big. Then more and more opening. Like a flower.

  215.  #215prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Seahorse…you are cracking me up! And what in the world are you doing biting mens butts?! LOL

    Dominique…I believe it actually went well last night texting it. Was short and to the point and he seemed receptive and good with it.

  216.  #216janie baby on April 27, 2013 at 11:57 am

    I hate that I care.

    Usually he sleeps over thursdays, but he didn’t to finish up a packet he needed to turn in but said “we can have lunch or dinner” i made other plans because they werent firm, but it was annoying that he still didnt follow through.
    he called at 5 pm. and i called back 20 minutes later. no response and i was annoyed so i called again an hour later and then 2 hours later over and over a few times. cause i was really annoyed.

    i texted saying “I made other plans anyway cause I assumed you weren’t serious but it still makes me sad that you’d say oh let’s get dinner and then you just ignore my calls instead of being straight up. I feel turned off by that kind of behavior”
    he said “When you call me over and over hwen I’m in the middle of something I don’t reward that kind of behavior”
    I said “When you shut me out and just ignore me I feel really upset and that when I close up and hesitate to open up. On monday you said you wanted to work on our relationship but that can only be done with communication. If I’m gonna be shut out and “punished” for being honest this isn’t the type of relationship I want to be in.”
    He called me right away to say he was annoyed and angry when i call him over and over and said he was still working on his packet but he’d talk to me “tomorrow”

    I’m not gonna answer him today. I’m feeling pissed and upset. We only went out Monday night and he wants me to be exclusive with him?? Other guys have been asking me out …

    I just don’t know what to do. I know he cares and if I were to break up he’d fight again I already told him I don’t want to break up again or that will be it for me. I’ll move on, but he’s settling into taking me for granted again. and I know it’s cause I’m always around. I just feel resentment when I go on like nothing’s happened. and It feels like games to me not answering the call, but what else can I do?
    I just feel angry about this and if its’ gonna be a continuous cycle of on and off I don’t want to stick around as much as it would hurt to leave and as much as I love him. Dont know.


  217.  #217Indigo on April 27, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    janie baby,

    I’m not going to offer advice on what you should do in your relationship. I’m sure the other sirens will have some great input for you…

    However – PLEASE don’t call him over and over. Take it from someone who’s been there, this is counterproductive in a couple of ways:
    * it feeds the flame of your misery and hurt, making you feel more upset and rejected
    * he feels it as nothing but pure drama and harassment.

    It is a very bad habit to get into in relationships, please try and find a way to curb this. Take a nap, have a bath, go for a walk, or whatever works for you.


  218.  #218Femininewoman on April 27, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Janie Baby that is what one coach, I believe Randy Bennett calls being in a constant state of disagreement. You don’t own him. He doesn’t own you. If he has something to do is it unreasonable to believe that he will contact you when he is done? He obviously have a life. How about you?

  219.  #219seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Is it possible, if you like him enough to sleep with him, to not have your hormones and homing instincts kick in?

    Because it worked for me with my husband – I have to say “yes.” I couldn’t, in all honesty, say anything else.

    Okay, so what she’s saying is, she slept with her husband WITHOUT the hormones kicking in?

  220.  #220seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Is this the thing where we FEEL the absence of triggers when meeting a new man???? The DO OVER guys? The pattern guys. The man who doesn’t make us go all crazy with the ‘magic’ connection.

    Then we go with the man who doesn’t feel like the static, who is safe and calm. Easy and I don’t feel like I am in my head. ohhhhhhhh…..

  221.  #221seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I feel curious about the sex then…………. What would it FEEL like if there wasn’t that static there. To be in my heart and making love……………. I feel shocked at that thought!!!! It’s new and different. I didn’t get that on this level before…….. I read it and read it but nope, didn’t grab it. What else does it feel like………………….. exciting and i can be me and not worry??? About what anyway??? Lean back and enjoy?????? Oh yeah that feels good. I feel happy to train my brain in this new way. Easy as pie and just as sweet.

  222.  #222Dominique on April 27, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Purple – 207 – I feel relieved reading this. This isn’t a new relationship, and even though it may have its kinks, it’s not brand new, and initiating texting is okay, AS LONG as you can be okay with a possible long delay in response, AS LONG as you release any expectations around any of it, AS LONG as it’s real and from your heart.


  223.  #223Dominique on April 27, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    janie baby – 208 – You must stop this continuous contact, the texting or calling repeatedly. It will push anyone away. Try turning this around. How would you feel if someone was texting/calling you over and over again, and you couldn’t respond for whatever reason, or maybe you weren’t even by your phone, so when you finally picked it up, you saw dozens of texts/calls from him. Wouldn’t this feel bad? Annoying. It seems desperate, the insecurities running you.

    Once is plenty. And then get your mind away from him, and go take care of YOU.

    Give him all the space he needs which gives him room to come to you. If he doesn’t, you have your answer about him though this isn’t shown with one incident. It’s shown via patterns of repeated behavior.


  224.  #224Luzydel on April 27, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    no interesting people on POF to un-hung myself from captainCD… UGH!

  225.  #225k2012 on April 27, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Hey Veronica, just saw your comment. Thanks. I keep that newsletter in my email. Well I have lots of newsletters from Rori and other coaches in my inbox. I have read a lot of them but there are some that I still don’t get the chance to read. I believe that when u are in a committed relationship, it would be ok to call or text. But sometimes u think u are in a committed relationship when u are not. I thought I was and I also thought I was in an exclusive relationship. How can u know if u are in an exclusive relationship anyway? Cause if u ask them, some men who are not genuine will lie. So how do we know when we are in an exclusive relationship and a committed one? Thoughts please. Finding and keeping a man is really difficult though. It is really not easy. I wonder if men have a forum like this where they get on messageboards/blogs and discuss stuff like us. Cause they really don’t talk a lot. The day I find Mr right, I will be extremely grateful to God and I trust that I will be able to keep each other happy. What a piece of work! Finding one is a piece of work, finding a good one that is and keeping him is another piece of work.

  226.  #226ALA on April 27, 2013 at 2:55 pm


    I’m feeling unsettled after reading a message sent by a guy just to insult me… wow. ignore, ignore, ignore!

  227.  #227seahorse on April 27, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Dominque, I just read at your site on ‘Creating Intimacy’. I feel relief and hope and tender and my heart area unzipped. and now some tears. I had that happen to my body. A long marriage and my back went worse and worse. Lower back,L5, blew it twice. Two surgeries, five years apart. I don’t have the tension there anymore and I can breathe. I feel very thankful for you being here. I feel hopeful and I will be reading there so much more. Like right now!

  228.  #228Zia on April 27, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    I woke up this morning just feeling panicky about how I’ll ever meet someone… my sister who lives very close to me is officially moving about 20-25 mins away. As a single mother, she has been so helpful for me to go out on dates and things because I could just drop my boy at her house, then come in and pick him up when he was sleeping and take him home.

    I know that plenty of single mothers make it work with no help close to them but wow it makes life so much harder. At least I have every other weekend when he’s at his dad’s to schedule dates, will just have to make sure I tee a couple up each weekend!

    I am feeling more grounded after the message from my ex too.. he and everyone around me is right (and I feel it in my heart), he is not the one for me. I am giving myself today to just relax and be gentle to myself, then tomorrow I am going to start working on the other areas of my life that I have been neglecting.

    I feel so afraid right now. Give myself a big hug and love my fear.

  229.  #229Nme008 on April 27, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Pet peeve of mine? One word responses. Annoying when it’s in response to something I say and when I get them in the morning ‘hey’ I have no response. ‘Hey’ is not a conversation starter.

    Had a 2 hour coffee date with a new guy, D, on Thursday. Going to movies tomorrow and dinner Monday. Hmmm. We will see. We have a few mutual friends but met through POF.

  230.  #230prplpsn28 on April 27, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    I did hear from H today. Last night after our short and to the point texting to resolve our issue his last text was asking me what I was up to for the evening. I kinda let it go and didn’t respond. Maybe that was not the best choice? Idk. At that moment I just didn’t feel like texting anymore. So today when he texted me he actually seemed disappointed that I hadn’t responded. Not mad at all. Just disappointed. (A good thing. Right?) We had a good conversation. He filled me in on how his daughters volleyball team was doing.

    Now I am on my way out the door for an evening out with friends. Yay me! Maybe even practice a little cd’ing.

  231.  #231Nme008 on April 27, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    One other thing, and I’d love thoughts in this. D and my mutual friends are from NA (I’m not in it I just know a few ppl who are)…through conversation I found out he is as well. No drinking? His choice, but I do. Is it even a good idea to date someone when your different in these areas? I’d feel bad drinking wine w dinner in front of him. But he says its fine. I’d be so worried I’d be someone’s downfall.

  232.  #232Nme008 on April 27, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    One other thing, and I’d love thoughts in this. D and my mutual friends are from NA (I’m not in it I just know a few ppl who are)…through conversation I found out he is as well. No drinking? His choice, but I do. Is it even a good idea to date someone when your different in these areas? I’d feel bad drinking wine w dinner in front of him. But he says its fine. I’d be so worried I’d be someone’s downfall.

  233.  #233Zia on April 27, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    oh my goodness i am feeling so much anger coming up right now. i feel overwhelmed by it. it feels like an anger at the world and wanting to shout and scream and punch and kick and lash out….

  234.  #234ALA on April 27, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    I feel so disappointed in my dinner. On Saturdays I’ve been going to a place that has Nacho Grande on special for $4.00 for a big plate. I got it for take-out and when I got home it seems they skimped on some of the condiments. Thought about going back to complain. But I’m hungry!!!

    I dont know… weirdo, insult guy inspired me to spiff up my profile a bit today. I’m still trying to find the right wording about endless messaging and texting. Something like, “I prefer to meet a man in person, rather then spend a lot of time with back and forth emailing and texting”…?

    That’s not too negative, but gets the point across?

  235.  #235Luzydel on April 27, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I feel angry and frustrated right now! I feel angry for not having more CD’s POF is deserted noone new or interesting! I feel angry That captain CD ended up being like any other man. They re all the same! 🙂 I feel this thing in my chest and I do not want to feel it any more. I want to cry out my everything and feel light again.

  236.  #236ALA on April 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    ((( Zia ))) Breathe, take a walk, throw a ball (outside, lol)

    Nme – I think it depends on the person, how comfortable they are around others. If its NA and not AA perhaps alcohol isn’t an issue? I do know as a rule of thumb that a newly sober person shouldn’t change or start a relationship until after a year sobriety.

  237.  #237Dominique on April 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    seahorse – 218 – thank you for this. <3


  238.  #238ALA on April 27, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    ((( Luzydel )))

  239.  #239ALA on April 27, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    This Full Moon seems to have powerful after effects!

  240.  #240Zia on April 27, 2013 at 5:34 pm

  241.  #241Emerson on April 27, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Hey Sirens,
    I’ve finally got the laptop out and in working order…LOL so I will catch up on all your stories asap…It’s so hard to do that on my phone which I have been relying on for internet for the past couple few weeks…but no complaints, all is well.

    I still feel a huge stall in my love life and a stall in actual “date” CDing..I’m actually having a hard time VISUALIZING how it feels to be with one person in a relationship…wow I miss it!!!

    I did “CD” yesterday at a coffee shop with two men that struck up a conversation with me (I’ve met one before at the shop and he gave me his number in the past)….and they are very sweet, not conventionally handsome but both very very charming and nice guys. I leaned back physically and listened to what they had to say and it was cute because they were sorta competing for my attention! If I started talking with one, the other would try to get my attention and so on…LOL it was very sweet.
    One was brave enough to ask for my contact info so I gave it to him…who knows??
    I am trying to be open..

    ExoticCD is unavailable for all practical purposes, I have been leaning back with him 100% and he sends me a BORING text from time to time and sometimes I reply sometimes I ignore….

    I have also had sporatic contact with recycledCD…YES…the famous one…argh…lol and it’s ok,,,he’s a very complicated person which makes me feel bored at this stage of my siren-ness….

    Go get yourself uncomplicated ok…haha well I still have compassion for him but I’m not invested,,,

  242.  #242ALA on April 27, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Hi Emerson!

    Zia – I thought about the eclipse too (after I posted about the moon. That might have something to do with the energies!

    Thinking about doing a “Mercedes” on a guy that just says “Hi” every time when he sees me online. Feel like asking him “just how long is this going to go on before you ask me out?”

  243.  #243Emerson on April 27, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I’m having a hard time “remembering” how it was to be in a relationship with a man and sleep next to someone! I feel so pathetic and sort of a sad case…I know I should not feel that way but I feel embarrassed about it. I don’t like it.
    I feel ok on my own right now but I feel anxious at the same time because I keep asking “when when when????” When will it happen…

    Why does it feel like at this point in my life it feels like I’m overthinking EVERYTHING…when I was younger I was just living my life!

  244.  #244Emerson on April 27, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Hi ALA!

    ‘…Feel like asking him “just how long is this going to go on before you ask me out?”’

    I feel curious about this approach!!!

    hmm this is tempting…I dont know tho is it leaning forward too much?
    If a guy wants to ask you out, he will right?

    What is the poing of just saying hi? (i.e., ExoticCD’s texting….zzzz)

  245.  #245ALA on April 27, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    This HiCD has been doing this for about a month. He’s the one that asked me out on the same night, so turned it down. And continues on with this “hi” stuff… I feel, zzzz too. Haven’t replied.

    I dont remember what a real relationship is like either, or sex!

    I feel sad.

    I love my (((celibate sadness)))

  246.  #246janie baby on April 27, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Dominique, Indigo, FW

    I definitely get it! I have crazy bursts sometimes, and I am aware that it’s crazy.

    If the situation were reversed I get annoyed when someone calls me over and over and over. It’s really frustrating and turns me off.
    I get it.
    This morning he texted me asking how my night was. I didn’t respond. I just feel like he’s taking a step back and it starts to make me feel angry if it’s continuously gonna be back and forth.

    Dominique when you said oh I’ll get my answer. He comes back when I give space…But how do I know if he’s TRULY stepping up?

  247.  #247Luzydel on April 27, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    There is nothing wrong to having negative emotions…

  248.  #248Lisa on April 27, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    I feel weird… Michael brought up Marriage again tonight… different than last night…last night it was to see how I would react to it… in a funny kind of cute way… saying “well I’ll just have to marry you, b/c I don’t want to loose you”… Tonight.. It started up when he said that marriage wasn’t in his chart (astrological)… Ok, then why does he keep bringing it up… I haven’t ever brought it up… I said “I feel weird”… he said “don’t everything is just fine”… Tonight I said “well in the meantime, I’ll keep my profile….” and before I could finish he said “hidden”. Oh boy I wanted to say, up and when I have a ring on my finger then it will come down.. I didn’t have the nerve… I think he got the drift though… He ask what my time frame was… I didn’t know b/c I hadn’t thought about it… then he said I’ll let you know in 3-6 mos… He kept saying “don’t feel weird honey everything is just fine”… Ok why don’t I feel fine? I’m just not feeling well… not sure… but I know I was leaning back tonight and was feeling…

  249.  #249Indigo on April 27, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Ok, yay, I have renewed my subscription on the dating site, and I’ve already had some lovely-seeming guys e-mail me.

    The challenge for me is going to be keeping my heart open. For so long I gave off an unavailable vibe (without even really realizing it) because I still had D in the background and was hoping things were going to work out with him. Well, in August it will be 3 years with D and I am very tired of being alone.

    So “heart open” techniques I will have to try 🙂

    ALA and Emerson, re: those guys that just say hi… I simply reply with hi back, or a smiley face, nothing more. It is an interesting experiment to see if they will get creative and start up conversation from there, and how much, some do, realizing it is the only way to get closer to you. A guy who *only* said hi continuously I would start to ignore.

  250.  #250Indigo on April 27, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    Also ALA, re: saying “how long is this going to go on for before you ask me out?” wouldn’t this feel a bit too much like leaning forward to you? I don’t know if I could enjoy a first date that came from it, because it would feel like I had pushed for it.

    I would probably say, “I don’t like too much back and forth e-mailing, it feels overwhelming. To me I would much rather meet someone.” I have said this several times and most of the time, the guy has then asked me out.

  251.  #251Indigo on April 27, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Oh and if I had said that and the guy wanted to keep on e-mailing back and forth, I would stop responding 🙂

  252.  #252BeLoved on April 28, 2013 at 6:06 am

    Okay this is fun – back on OLD and thinking of Rori, and learning to give the guys who want me a chance, I responded to a guy who sounds like a good guy, but wears some weird glasses that don’t fit his face, and they are big 80’s style….I told him I felt creeped out looking at his glasses, and he was totally nonplussed. “I have another pair but this is usually what I wear. I’m a lot of fun and very satisfying to be with, given the chance.”

    Well, hoo-ray. In the past I would have deleted him because of hating his creepy glasses and now, having talked to him about it I actually feel better and like, he might be a good guy to get to know.

  253.  #253Vi on April 28, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Focusing on the present moment feels so challenging. Body dialogues feel helpful but I think I stay in body feelings not long enough before I find myself in my head again. And my thoughts are mostly about the past or future, not the present moment by the way.. Okay I could stop labeling my experience as ‘not long enough’ and thank myself for at least doing it instead. I love me. I love my not enough feelings.

  254.  #254BeLoved on April 28, 2013 at 7:39 am

    I also talked to T last night, he called me – hooray for girl energy!
    One great thing Iearned from law of attraction is, “you always have a fresh start, NOW” so I made my fresh start and we talked about our day, I talked about a training I would like to take and feel very passionate about, and that was it. Nothing deep, nothing heavy, no talking about our relationship, just being *in* relationship.

    I feel totally amazed that I managed to somehow process all those thoughts and feelings that came up in the meantime so I could just be easy and natural with him.

    Something else I really noticed, was hitting the “upper limit” with T. For a couple of weeks, things were getting better and better, I was feeling better and better, it was all so smooth and easy and warm and delicious and after approaching him about marriage, the vibe isn’t as deep and flowy as it was.
    So, all I can do about that is what I’m doing, taking my “fresh start, NOW!” and getting back into the groove, accepting where it is now, and being present.

    This feels really cool – and is so relevant to this post, the answers are inside of me, and I do know exactly what to do.

  255.  #255Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Hello sirens! I need advice 🙁

    CaptainCD and I spoke, we are almost breaking apart or getting closer. He said he likes me a lot and have feelings for me, but doesn’t know how to make time for me. He said he sucks at relationships and doesn’t know what to do. I admit a cried, then he cried and it felt sad because we both know this has great potential if we both agree on a compromise. At the end of the phone conversation he said he is willing to talk face to face and see if we can agree and work this out.

    I know this is about his “man freedom” he is not with other women and he does like me a lot, but things are at a point where he has to give in a little and he is stuck. I told him to let me know when he is ready to talk and that I will give him some space.

    I need to be sireny and relaxed, I know this may be the end of everything or the beginning of something, I am Cding again got two emails from two men etc. But if we do talk face to face, I know I am gonna melt and perhaps a tear will come out, and I do not want to seem melodramatic but I do not want to pretend and hide my feelings either.

    All I have learned today is that some men can also walk away because they like you a lot and they feel they may not be able to provide more; I am stuck as well because if i close myself and leave, I may regret it, but if I stay and settle I may get disappointed. This is a good man, who likes me a lot, but doesn’t know how to move forward, so he may let me go even if he doesn’t want to.

    Please someone what would be my best move (if any) here?

  256.  #256Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 9:26 am

    janie baby – 237 – I don’t understand your question. I think the better question is how open and curious about him, other men, people, and life over all are you being?

    Are you allowing him to be him, and you to be you, as at peace and calm as you can be? And then how does this feel?

    Remember YOU get to choose every step of the way.


  257.  #257Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Luzydel – 246 – I don’t see that there is a move to make here. He will, or he won’t. There is no choice for you to make right now unless you want to make one. And I don’t see you ready just yet. So you do your best to simply BE. FEEL all the confusing, maybe conflicting feelings, the good feeling ones as well as the not so good feeling ones. Sink as deeply into them as you can. Eventually the waters will clear, and you will know what to do, and this could mean doing nothing at all as well.


  258.  #258Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Thanks Dominique; at this point I just have to let it be. I feel the need to control and make it happen, but I also know that that doesn’t work and may even push him further away. So, I am going back to me, to love me as usual and find that security within me.

    If he comes back he will and if he doesn’t the he doesn’t, and I will miss him, but I know I will heal and try it again. I am enough for me! I love myself, I am amazing. My feeling are not wrong or bad, they just are at the moment. I am going to feed my body and shower and o for a drive and feel the wind and the nice weather and feel my skin my feeling and be thankful I have the ability to open up my heart and give love and receive love and move on like the wind if I have to… 🙂

  259.  #259Indigo on April 28, 2013 at 10:28 am

    janie baby 237,

    For some reason I can’t get over this feeling of, you are so young, do you really REALLY want to worry if he is stepping up right now?

    Can you just enjoy it and notice what does and does not do, and preferably make more friends, even guy friends, so you are not so focused on him?

    I feel that you have the luxury of your whole life is before you, and you might want to feel your horizons expanding? Do you have to know if this guy is the one right now?


  260.  #260Olivia on April 28, 2013 at 10:31 am

    @Sophie: “often I find myself deliberately being unsireny as I don’t like to attract tooo much attention or attention from the men I’m not interested in”

    YES. I have experienced this. Like when I am standing around, arms crossed over my chest, looking down, no-one-look-at-me stance. And the emotions behind where that comes from…So much to work on (for me)! And maybe for you too -to dig into where those feelings come from. Maybe bad or abusive experiences, or discomfort with your body, or some notions that got deeply ingrained in you about sex. Digging into this will surely cause new things to happen….

  261.  #261janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 10:33 am


    I’m very curious and open to the world and accepting. it’s just with him that I have difficulty. I just really get a feeling that he’s not as into me anymore since it’s been 2.5 years. Things have cooled down. We used to see each other everyday. And then now it’s been a few times a week, which I don’t mind since we’re both busy, but this week he couldnt’ come thursday night. So I basically just saw him twice this week. Monday and Tuesday. That made me feel kind of anxious and sad because he didn’t make a real effort to see me Friday or Saturday? So that just makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or something. If he loves me shouldn’t he want to see me more often? Or made he has different needs? I need more male interaction so I start to have a wandering eye but it hurts because I love him.

    Finally last night I couldn’t keep it in and I texted him saying
    “I’m still a little upset about yesterday. Ever since you went to Vegas it doesn’t feel like I’m a priority and I don’t really have time to date someone unless I’m important to them. I need quality time to feel connected to someone and when I’m the last thought on someone’s mind it doesn’t make me want to stay super committed. I can be friends in that sort of situation but besides that I can’t handle more. So i’m feeling pretty doubtful right now.”
    He said “Ok well I think your being a little over reactive. Talk to you after work tomorrow”

    I know I probably broke a ton of rules, but I couldn’t keep it in. I felt so sad about it, and his response saddens me too.

    Maybe it’s time to just be friends. I don’t know but then I feel doubtful of myself like I’m pushing away what I have. I don’t know.

    Is it unreasonable that I expect to see someone i’m in an exclusive relationship with more often? I obviously don’t want to force anyone to spend more time with me. I don’t want him to spend more time with me because I said so. It’s just that if he’s ok with only spending a certain amount of time with me I don’t think Ican handle that for ever unless it changes.. and I don’t want to just keep hoping it’ll improve.

  262.  #262janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I know I feel what you are saying.
    I tell myself that too sometimes…

    I need to talk to other guys. I usually am fine with the situation but I do want to flirt with other guys and stuff and I feel all tied down when I’m SOO exclusive with him that I feel guilty hanging out with other guys alone but maybe it’s time to change things up.

  263.  #263Emerson on April 28, 2013 at 10:59 am

    249 this is beautiful luzydel….

  264.  #264Emerson on April 28, 2013 at 11:03 am

    236 ALA
    Thanks for this message,,, I don’t feels so alone. ((ALA))

  265.  #265Emerson on April 28, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I’m rediscovering sides of myself that I’ve forgotten/abandoned!
    I had dreams of going places… I still have those dreams! They are not impossible.
    I miss having a partner to share dreams with…

  266.  #266ALA on April 28, 2013 at 11:29 am

    So much I can identify with on the blog, everyday is like ah hah, yes! Other women feel that too! I’m not such a freak. Yay!

    Wanting to control when things get scary. I do this so much. I never knew there could be a different way.

    Just Be-ing… wow!

    I was paying attention to the Zale’s Jewelry commercial and noticed they were talking about “the open heart” line. A client this week had on a necklace with the two open hearts that look like a “z” and today I noticed the RR logo is kinda a transposed similar image.

    The universe is giving me a message!

    Keeping my heart open will be a fun experiment to play with today.

  267.  #267Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Luzydel, hugs to you. <3 Embrace your feelings till you are numb and yet when you're tired feeling bad, focus back on yourself and don't give in to the obsessive thoughts.

    Focus on the now. There is no fear in the now.

  268.  #268Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    The most important thing for a woman to do is to mirror and follow a man’s lead to protect herself from over-investment. A lot of women who come to me are always ahead of their men.

    I outline it in my latest blog post (click my name and you’ll be referred to my blog).

    Walk next to him or follow him from a step behind, but never walk ahead of him. That’s a key to successful relating to a man.

  269.  #269BeLoved on April 28, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Oh my gosh! This is so fun! A couple of guys I would have written off as creeps instead I used FM’s with and they are responding in really cool and playful ways 😀

    I’m a very happy BeLoved right now

  270.  #270Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    janie baby – 252 – It’s not always this simple, yet it could be. What you said to him though was all kinds of blaming, bordering on bitchy, not exactly words to inspire him to want to spend more time with you.

    This is what you seem to feel under all of this and what would inspire him to see you more.

    “I missed you while you were in Vegas. So much. I feel SO much more connected when I get to see you in person. I would SO love to spend some time with you. And soon. What do you think?”


  271.  #271smile on April 28, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Hi sirens,
    Can I share I a little joy with you all? I can’t share it with any of my friends as it seems silly with them but I know sirens here will fully appreciate how much this means to me.

    I’ve always felt anxiety around wanting to make plans in advance. I’ve been working roris tools from the start of this relationship around planning in advance and well it’s made it so easy! He works shifts and has just sent me his diary in a table for the full year!!!

    This is amazing!!!!! It’s feels so great to finally feel at ease around making plans 🙂

  272.  #272Femininewoman on April 28, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Janie baby it is not un reasonable. It is just not what is important to you. Quality might be important for you to feel loved. Please also bear in mind you could break up with him but deal with the same kind of thing with another guy.

  273.  #273Femininewoman on April 28, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Quality *time*

  274.  #274janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 1:31 pm


    I feel confused though. Are you implying I should maybe try to sort things out with this one because that might pop up with a new guy? I just know that I need to accept him or leave. I just want to spend more time with him and I don’t know if THAT is something that could change or if after 2.5 years this is just how he works. you know?

  275.  #275Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I wonder how you make your gravatar pic to appear? I have fiddled with it to no avail.

    Re. anxiety, insecurity and neediness, we women are vulnerable to those once we are hooked on a man. The more you let your imaginations run wild on the thoughts of him, good or bad, the more you are vulnerable to them. So stop fantasizing about a man and instead spread your psychic energy by increasing your efforts on CDing, among other things.

    Fantasy, wishful thinking, imagining, daydreaming make you emotionally invest in a man more so than he is in you. That’s a recipe to heartache. That’s how you drive a man away and you PINE for Emotionally Unavailable Men (I wrote a book on this). Totally unattractive and crippling.

    It all comes to self-mastery and when you know the principles at work, you will no longer victim to this. It all can be learned.

    This article might resonate with you:

  276.  #276Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Re. anxiety, insecurity and neediness, we women are vulnerable to those once we are hooked on a man. The more you let your imaginations run wild on the thoughts of him, good or bad, the more you are vulnerable to them. So stop fantasizing about a man and instead spread your psychic energy by increasing your efforts on CDing, among other things.

    Fantasy, wishful thinking, imagining, daydreaming make you emotionally invest in a man more so than he is in you. That’s a recipe to heartache. That’s how you drive a man away and you PINE for Emotionally Unavailable Men (I wrote a book on this). Totally unattractive and crippling.

    It all comes to self-mastery and when you know the principles at work, you will no longer victim to this. It all can be learned. I teach women to do all this and attract and keep the man they adore in the process.

  277.  #277Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    janie baby – 252 – this went into moderation, so here goes attempt #2

    janie baby – 252 – It’s not always this simple, yet it could be. What you said to him though was all kinds of blaming, bordering on b*tchy, not exactly words to inspire him to want to spend more time with you.

    This is what you seem to feel under all of this and what would inspire him to see you more.

    “I missed you while you were in Vegas. So much. I feel SO much more connected when I get to see you in person. I would SO love to spend some time with you. And soon. What do you think?”


  278.  #278janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    ughh Dominique

    That was perfect. I don’t know how you can make everything into a positive so well.

    That’s exactly what I’m feeling… I just feel angry too because I feel like he doesn’t want to see me 🙁

    ANd now I’m mad at myself because I feel like I made it worse….

    How can I recover? Should I just say something like what you said next time we talk?

  279.  #279smile on April 28, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Love this katarina 🙂

    “Walk next to him or follow him from a step behind, but never walk ahead of him. That’s a key to successful relating to a man.”
    I love your reference to mirroring him too.
    Thank you for posting this.

  280.  #280Lisa on April 28, 2013 at 3:41 pm


    Never be ahead of your man? I’m confused. Did I miss something with Rori’s tools.. are we not suppose to be ahead of our man? Emotionally or otherwise? Because “M” says I’m about 3 wks ahead of him.. I don’t agree.. but that is what he feels… I’d love more clarity on that… Does @Dominique agree? That’s hard for me b/c I’m so independent and forward thinking.. It’s sounds so 1950’s…. I’d love to read articles on it…

    I’m circle dating and I want to the store tonight with my child, not in my home town. I look awful.. really I haven’t done much to look nice today and have my camping clothes on and would you know Men coming up to me… A really hot body builder had to be at least 20 years younger than me… and then an older man ( yuk) but still winking at me… and then 2 other men checking me out… it’s fun! It keeps me open to the fact that if it doesn’t work with “M” there are more men out there…. WoooHooo!

  281.  #281Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Lisa, are you ahead of him? How do you feel? Do you feel empowered that way? Or you feel vulnerable, needy and anxious?

  282.  #282Vi on April 28, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Lizydel, you are such an inspiration for me! I so admire you.

  283.  #283Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    When you are ahead of a guy, you tend to chase him away. You want to be pursued, not the other way around. And the only way he can pursue you is when you don’t arrive before he does. It rarely works when a woman is more invested than a guy. Keep it balanced at all times by letting him lean forward by leaning back. It’s hard to do when you are over-invested.

    And that is how a guy feels romantic toward you, when he has to court you and win you over. He won’t appreciate you when he doesn’t have to work for your heart. It’s human nature to value what we have to work for.

    Read my article by clicking my name. It’s all explained there.

  284.  #284Emerson on April 28, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    hi Katrina
    love your message!!

  285.  #285Vi on April 28, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Smile 261 – 🙂

  286.  #286Zia on April 28, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Managed to sort out a date for the ex to come collect the rest of his things, and when relationship stuff came up I just agreed with him about not being the best for me. His response was to block me on fb 😉

    I feel ok with this because I really am ready to move forward without wishing or hoping we might get back together. If for some reason he contacts me down the track then I’ll make sure I am open to seeing/hearing from him, but at least it won’t be with the excuse of him needing his things back. The only way things could work out between us is if he realised that the cheating thing was all in his head, but I don’t see that happening. The newsletter we got from Rori a little while ago about the man who NEEDS to be with a partner who cheats on him really struck a chord with me!

    I feel good today. I feel happy and I feel free.

  287.  #287Zia on April 28, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    I agree with not being ahead of your man, in my head I visualise it as dragging him along behind you, trying to make him follow. It feels icky.

  288.  #288BeLoved on April 28, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I wonder how I can come up with a non-angry or guilt-inducing way to talk to my son….
    He told me by text that I am going to be a grandmother, and hasn’t returned a phone call or text since….nothing about due date or
    I’m feeling anxious for no reason and working myself up again.
    There’s plenty of time to find all of this out, I don’t need to get butthurt over it.
    Back to clothes folding… 😀

  289.  #289Vi on April 28, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    BeLoved, Feeling Messages and being curious what he thinks maybe? 🙂

  290.  #290Lisa on April 28, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    @Katarina 270

    I don’t think I’m ahead of him.. but it seems to eb and flow… its strange he knew he wanted me on the first meeting.. on the first date he sat me down and looked me in the eye and said I took my profile down. I’m investing all my time in you. It took me several weeks to get to the point where I was even sure I just wanted to date him… he was already saying he wanted to spend the next 40 years with him… but then he started slowing way down… then I think I got frustrated inwardly b/c its now been almost 4mos and we are spending the weekend together next weekend.. So he tends to drive fast and hard and then slows way down. He was talking marriage lately and then said something last night that took me by surprise. He said “it isn’t in my chart to be married”. So, I clarified what he meant b/c we were on the same page… I just wanted to clarify what he was saying… but he takes it wrong. So, I feel we are on the same speed except for spending the weekend together, but I think he thinks I’m ahead of him…

    That part feels frustrating..that he thinks that… it’s like he is turning it around to me… instead of owning what he is feeling… I’ve never mentioned “marriage” that is all him…

    I guess I need help… cuz I thought I was leaning back and not rushing… but I do need him to step up more and follow through…

  291.  #291Lisa on April 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm


    He did win me… over 5 other men that was interested in me… he tells me all the time he feels he won the online lottery…

    but I think what you are saying is, he needs to continue to feel he is winning me… until we are married?

    I don’t make it easy on him though at times he acts like he wants me to …. he still has to ask me out and plan all the dates etc… I don’t plan or pursue him… unless I’m doing it energetically or unconsciously… I have even made plans without him b/c he didn’t tell me he wanted to see me a certain night.

    Not sure what it is I might be doing… I’m spending the weekend away from him this weekend.. so we’ll see how leaning back that far works…


  292.  #292Lisa on April 28, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    @Katarina Oh yes, I read the blog post is that the article?

  293.  #293Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Smile and Emerson, thank you. 🙂

    Lisa, what do you mean by “he still has to ask me out and plan all the dates etc…?” He has never taken you out? What have been doing the last 5 months with him?

  294.  #294Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    And yes, cherished women feel that way because their men always lean forward without them ever ask for it. When a man leads, it becomes the most secure and functional relationship. She’s happy and he’s happy because he feels he can make her happy.

  295.  #295Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    I agree Katarina; Just have to be gentle on myself right now for letting myself fall like this I tend to feel shame. I don’t know if I can be open and inviting if he ever contact me again. I know I am going to be snarky and may act defensive with my walls all up. so Right now I want to be away from him, so I can also process what I really want.

  296.  #296Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    And when you are secure in your leaning back, you will be realistic in your assessment of him, whether or not he’s really the one for the long haul. If he can’t go the distance after your leaning back, you will be able to judge to whether continue with this or move on to a greener pasteur. No heartache, no drama.

    It’s a smart thing that any woman should do.

  297.  #297Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    janie baby – 268 – yes you can say this next time you have contact. in person would be best of course, yet you do need to get this out, so do so in whatever way arises first. if it’s text, do your best to relax and not anticipate a response.


  298.  #298Dominique on April 28, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Lisa – 270 – I cannot agree or disagree with this because I don’t understand it. In what context? Where? How? I don’t think in this way.

    I will do my best to answer though. If you have read any of my articles which I believe you have, one of the keys to my teaching is that a man heals best through a woman’s heart.

    So in this context, I suppose one could say that the woman is ahead of her man. She will tend to initiate the healing within herself which will then spur healing in him IF he’s the right man for her.

    A man may lead the relationship, yet when looked another way, the woman really does because he WANTS to make her happy and will either consult with her, ask for her opinion, or know over time what it is that will please her, bring her joy, and he will base his many of his decisions on this.

    That’s the best I can do Lisa with this, for as I said, I don’t think this way, nor do I coach this way.


  299.  #299k2012 on April 28, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    “Oh and if I had said that and the guy wanted to keep on e-mailing back and forth, I would stop responding.” I don’t remember who said this but u were talking about guys who just say hi online all the time and basically don’t do anything further. That’s how some guys are. Only want to chat online lightly and do nothing to step up further. That is how overseas cd is.

  300.  #300Siren Angel on April 28, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Hello Beautiful Sirens!

    I haven’t written here in a long time although I stay in close connection with some of you here on the Siren Island.

    I just want to pop in and say things are going wonderfully with M, I am moving into the apartment right next to his in 1 month, it is a new living arrangement (I was in my house with my kiddie and him in his 2 story villa apartment with his 3 kiddies) that we are trying out before living together. I am feeling excited at this because I think I may like it so much to have my own place, yet feel so close and safe, that I may just very well want to keep it that way!

    I am reveling in the new serenity and peace of being a Siren in a committed stable relationship and wanted to share how calming and grounding and solid that feels.

    Wonderful Dominique coincidentally just wrote an article about this feeling in a stable relationship.

    I want to extend a big thank you, huge hugs and kisses to Rori and Dominique and all the Sirens here xx

  301.  #301k2012 on April 28, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    “When you are ahead of a guy, you tend to chase him away. You want to be pursued, not the other way around. And the only way he can pursue you is when you don’t arrive before he does. It rarely works when a woman is more invested than a guy. Keep it balanced at all times by letting him lean forward by leaning back. It’s hard to do when you are over-invested.

    And that is how a guy feels romantic toward you, when he has to court you and win you over. He won’t appreciate you when he doesn’t have to work for your heart. It’s human nature to value what we have to work for.” Wow, katharina, this is something to think about. As I think about my last relationship, I think I may have been ahead of Disappearing ex and I had a startling revelation this evening which I will post shortly. Katharina, what u have written is deep and before I responded here, I copied and pasted this to my inbox.

  302.  #302Siren Angel on April 28, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Oh, and I am dreaming of ordering pink sating sheets for my nights in my apartment. xx

  303.  #303Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    K2012, thank you! Everything is the culmination of my own personal journey from anxiety to security and realizing my innate feminine power.

  304.  #304Katarina Phang on April 28, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Using this principle makes dating a so much more fun and fulfilling experience because you will see how much you grow through seeing results with guys. It strengthens your self-esteem in the process too.

  305.  #305Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Abraham Hicks — Relationships

  306.  #306Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    After listening to that I fell so much better! thanks all of you CDs for helping me create the relationship I really want.

  307.  #307Samantha on April 28, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    I was seeing my guy for 7+ months, we live 2 hours apart, we are both around 40. Our relationship went from seeing each other every weekend, to every two weeks after he lost his job, to every three weeks. He was never a phone guy, and texts caused us a lot of tension from misunderstanding each other, so we rarely communicate unless we are physically together. His whole world started falling apart and his unemployment amounts to less than his bills so he has started selling off his belongings just to make ends meet and doing day jobs when he can find them. He’s become extremely stressed (understandably) resulting in being more distant with me. Although he has apologized to me that he takes his stress out on the one he cares for the most and vowed to try harder to communicate with me. He hates the phone though because it just pisses him off when ppl hound him, which his friends like to do. About 4 weeks ago, after a disagreement, he told me via text message, that we both needed someone who is going to be “around” and immediately stopped speaking to me for three weeks. I cried for days and struggled through work but then I couldn’t take it anymore and drove to his house to confront him. He was not happy to see me although he let me in, he never did like surprises. Due to him just getting more bad “financial” news, I couldn’t go through with the confrontation and we just sat in front of the TV all night, having brief conversations about this or that, not “us”. We slept in the living room, separately, due to him not having a bed anymore, and woke up the next day by a phone call from a friend who wanted to pay him to work on his truck. This friend lives a distance away so he would be staying with him for a night or two. I also planted myself right there because I drove all that way and there were tornado and hurricane warnings in my area. I also didn’t want to leave before I got my answers. Wrong thing to do, I know, but I couldn’t leave and continue to feel as though I had no clue where we stood or if I’d ever see him again. The second night, I made myself a bed on the floor in his empty bedroom and told him that he could have the love seat, I knew his friend would take the recliner as usual. I fully expected to sleep by myself because I did the previous night but he ended up joining me on the floor, even though he had a love seat to sleep on (his norm). He slept by me but didn’t hold me as he normally would, nor would he touch me when I would hug or touch him through out my entire stay. To me, his choosing to sleep on the floor spoke volumes. And the next morning, he was softer towards me and when I told him that I was going to head home, he would groan (that’s it, just groan). Once his friend woke up though, his attitude slowly changed and he became hard, with his walls back up. He never liked his two worlds to collide (his friends and me) and often accused me of being too friendly which is just who I am – I work in retail. We did get to talk some, and I told him that I loved him and didn’t want to lose him. He wouldn’t say it back, he would only tell me that I was crazy or ask me why. I didn’t pressure him to say it, I just wanted him to know that I loved him. Because of his stress and depression I just wanted him to know that he mattered to me. When I was leaving though, I told him that I’d be back and his response was “why would you do that?” as well as telling me that he can’t “work” when I’m around and he doesn’t get vacation like I do. That cut me deep so I told him that I was just going and did exactly that. I have not text him since, it’s been 8 days. Am I a fool for hanging on to a guy who is depressed? Or is that just an excuse for him to push me away? I’ve been reading a lot about depression and all it does is confuse me. It appears to be common that ppl push there loved ones away because they can’t handle things and loved ones suffer the most. There were signs that he still loves me but his attitude was all over the place and he was often “far away” and thinking about his problems. I’m taking this time away to take care of me but I don’t want him to think that I’ve abandoned him either after I said I wouldn’t. A friend of mine lost her bf to suicide when he got depressed and it scares me that he might do the same. Any advice?

  308.  #308Luzydel on April 28, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    I can be sad without him or happy without him… those are the only two choices.

  309.  #309Zia on April 28, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    296: Luzydel says:

    I can be sad without him or happy without him… those are the only two choices.

    oh my goodness, i love this. it is SO true, and exactly what i needed to hear right now 🙂 x

  310.  #310k2012 on April 28, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    “It strengthens your self-esteem in the process too.” It should, Katarina. Ladies, many of u on here knew about my breakup with Disappearing ex. A very close friend and confidante told me something this evening which I remembered she told me when disappraring ex and myself were involved. We were talking about relationships and I mentioned to her that next relationship I have I would be reducing the number of persons I was going to tell. I told her that apart from my immediate family including my parents, sisters and my brother in laws the only persons I am going to share the news of a relationship with is her, hairdresser/relationship coach and one of my Pastors. I am tired of basically disclosing a relationship probably too early sometimes and then I am faced with disappointment. The less people know the better. Other friends and family w can be told afterwards when I decide, that is if the gentleman wants to marry me and have showed his intentions very clearly. No need to tell too many persons my business. So I was making the point to my friend this evening so disappearing ex’s name came up. Both my friend and hairdresser/relationship coach have an exceptional spiritual gifts and are very strong christians. Both have counselled persons in their churches and discern. Things told to them by the Holy Spirit. They are NOT pyschics. (Not sure of the spelling.) She told me that she has picked up in her spirit that disappearing ex has not healed from his broken marriage and is afraid of commitment. She says its not that he didn’t care for me but because of what happened to him (his wife cheated on him), he is afraid and doesn’t want anything serious. When he saw me getting serious, he couldn’t deal with it. I haven’t finished speaking to my friend yet as my minutes ran out, so I have to call her back tomorrow to continue this conversation. It was when I was relating the conversation to one of my sisters that I remembered that my friend had told me during our many conversations about how things were progressing that he did not heal although he was separated for 2 years at the time we were involved. He had started filing for the divorce a good while before we got involved but things were taking a little time. I did not tell her about him at the beginning of the relationship. I told her four months later and when I told her how his marriage ended, she said sometime that he has not healed. I am not sure many of u understand and can identify with what I am talking about in terms of christian persons who have a gift of discerning things in their spirit. I am still learning about this process myself. It is important for me to learn and understand the possible reasons why he disappeared. My friend said that we wanted different things, i wanted a relationship and he wanted something casual so he is looking for someone who wanted something casual. What a revelation! She said he didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I wanted something more. I said to her that in previous years when I met a man, I didntb used to ask what type of relationship they wanted. But over the years in my reading, I kept seeing in my reading that each person in the relationship should ask the other what kind of relationship the other wanted. I told my friend that I asked him SPECIFICALLY what type of relationship he wanted and he said long term. I have to continue the conversation with my friend tomorrow. When I told one of my sisters what he said, she said to me that he was telling me the “nice answer.” But as Steve Harvey would put it in his book, what men tell u is what u want to hear and he usually (Steve Harvey that is) translate what the men say and write “the truth” which is actually saying what the men really mean. Mercedes, Dominique, I need your wise counsel here. Ladies, I need all your counsel as a matter of fact. In addition to your comments, why do some men do this? I ask u what type of relationship u want. U answer: long term relationship and mid way u downgrade me to the friendzone and opt out of a committed relationship/long term relationship. How could this happen ladies? Dominique, hope u see this.

  311.  #311janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    I texted him cause it felt bad leaving it like that
    I said “It’s fine I’m not upset anymore. I understand you’re busy. I just feel so much more connected when we spend more time together and I miss you.”

    he wrote immediately “I’m sick and tired and had my life threatened multiple times today. I love you”

    (he’s a bouncer all night saturday and morning sunday at this crazy club”

    We usually get sushi on monday nights it’s assumed. so I hope it works out 🙂

    I wanted to respond.. feel better..see you tomorrow at sushi! but i didn’t know if that was leaning forward so i haven’t responded yet.

  312.  #312k2012 on April 28, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    I read over my post and realized that something was left out. Disappearing ex was filing for his divorce when we got involved. Reason for his divoece-his wife cheated on him. He told me that he was devastated. The way in which he found out, the clues he found. Oh boy! He told me he was devastated but his friends helped him get over it. But sometimes u think you are healed, but u are NOT and then u realize when u are in the middle ofb a new relationship that u are NOT ready for a committed relationship cause u are scared of being hurt. U see ladies, I am trust that there won’t be a repeat of this. I don’t want another man to do this to me so I want to understand everything so I know how to act in the next relationship. I have the chasing newsletter which is an excellent guide but I am wondering if there is anything I need to know. Comments ladies? It would also be good to speak to a male coach and sometime next month, I might just organize some phone coaching with Jonathan Aslay. It is good to get a male perspective.

  313.  #313sheree on April 28, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    My husband his sleep with other women and he likes to drink and I have forgive him for that but I still been think what do they have that I don’t I guess don’t understand why would you sleep other people when your married

  314.  #314janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Dominique I also just called cause I didn’t repsond to the text (maybe that was leaning forward hehe)
    but it felt good… is that ok?

    At first he didnt answer but it felt ok and i thought alright he’ll get back to me in the morning. he called back right away and sounded sick and tired. and i said “you ok?” and he’s like yeah i just feel sick. and he i asked him about what happened at work and he told me and then said I’m going back to sleep but i’ll see you tomorrow in the afternoon? and i said “i have rehearsal in the afternoon but i’m definitely down for sushi at night ” 🙂 he said “yay we can spend the night together” I said “I miss you!” he said “I love you” and that aws it 🙂

    I feel good. sometimse i feel like i resent myself leaning back. is it ok to lean forward sometimes if it feels good? i know he fell in love with me in the beggining because we were just friends and i was not INTO him so i was so free and myself i’d even ask him to hang out alot so I’d initiate but I didn’t really care so he fell in love.. obviously now it’s different because sometimes i hold expectations and feel needy and vulnerable to initiate but this time it felt good 🙂

    thank you Dominique.

  315.  #315Zia on April 28, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    Actually I was wondering what you ladies think of this (and I don’t want to over think any of this, but I do like throwing ideas around with you ladies).

    It’s been agreed that my ex will come grab his stuff next Saturday. He’s blocked me on fb so the only way to contact is via text. No time has been confirmed, but seeing as I am the one who wants the stuff out should I send a text to confirm a time late next week if I don’t hear from him about it by then? Or just leave it in his court since a date has been agreed upon? If I don’t remind him, and he doesn’t come and get it on the Saturday, should I then give him one more opportunity to collect it and say if it’s not collected the next time I’ll be donating it otherwise?

    I don’t want to be horrible about it, but I do want his stuff gone because having it here is making it harder than it should for me to move on.

    The way I feel about him is that IF he came back and wanted to make another go of things, I would consider it. But for now, I want to move forward, go out on dates, and live my life without him. I also don’t want to be thinking about him and wondering if he’ll come back, which is what I’ve been doing on and off the past two months since he left. If I honestly wanted nothing to do with him ever, I’d be a lot firmer and harsher about it… but I really want to do things differently this time around with regards to relating to him and not burning bridges.

    Hope this makes sense…

  316.  #316Zia on April 28, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Or do I just leave it now, and wait for him to contact me about getting it back? (if he doesn’t turn up on the agreed date). just wondering what the sireny way to handle this situation would be 🙂

  317.  #317Heart on April 28, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Wow Zia – he block u on FB? Unfriend him…I dont knoew whyI think this way but intuitively I feel that if he blocked You….you must be doing something right. lol.

    If it was me…I would be really nice but let him know if he didnt come get him stuff you were throwing it out.

    It’s normal to feel a whole bunch of emotions when ur breaking up with someone. You’ll eventually level out.

  318.  #318Heart on April 28, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    ps u don’t need to wait for him to contact u…this is about moving on….And you don’t have your whole day to waste…Ivehim a time frame and let him know you can wait later becauuse you have a Date… hehe

  319.  #319Heart on April 28, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    sorry for all the typos & mistakes…on my phone

  320.  #320Heart on April 28, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    k2012 – My heart goes out to you….but exploring learning dating is kind of about making mistakes…
    Chances are on your journey towards self-love & self-discovery you’ll date one or two guys who will like you and then withdraw or might now be interested in commitment…
    Accept that that might be a possibility…
    Try to remember that every poof is a blessing in disguise…

  321.  #321janie baby on April 28, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    I like Heart’s advice Zia 🙂

  322.  #322Tereana on April 28, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Hi Ladies –

    I admit that I’m not really reading all the posts right now, and all your stories. But I’m just popping on to write, because I want to feel like I’m celebrating a success! I feel like I just took two steps forward into maturity – and it feels good.

    1.) I was Skyping again with CCB tonight. It didn’t get all sexual, but he looked aggravated about that. So I asked what was going on and if he was mad. He was mad, actually, because I had thought that he was masturbating to me (fully dressed) on his computer screen. He said that he wasn’t. And I just got really honest with him, in a calm way. I said that I really liked it that he was so attracted to me, and it is a good thing, but that it scares me also, and sometimes I think that that might be the only thing he likes about me. I’m not sure that was the right thing to say. But at least I felt better after saying it.

    And step # 2) This evening, I am staying at a friend’s house. (It’s a guy friend, and he is totally gay, so there is definitely nothing at all going on with him! Lol) I’m i a spare room, and we were getting ready for bed. Now, this is going to sound weird to everyone, but I’m proud of it, because I have a somewhat OCD compulsion about certain random things. It’s a “control” thing, right? Like I had this idea that I wanted to turn the light out. And then he turned it off. And I felt the familiar feeling of something just being “wrong.” Like I was supposed to do it, and I wanted to, and why didn’t I do it sooner, and yada yada. And usually I’ll spin around in a silly mental loop like that for a while, feeling absolutely awful and knowing that it’s silly, but trying to look normal on the outside. Well, this time, I was able to take a mental “step back” and see the big picture. I honestly saw how silly and inconsequential it was whether he turned off the light or I did. In fact, even typing it on the blog makes it look very silly. But sometimes my mind can blow these things up out of proportion, and it gets me into trouble when that happens. So tonight I just feel grateful that I was able to have the moment. Because it felt so good and calm, and I felt so much more like “myself” – not the weird person I don’t recognize who freaks out about nothing

    And back to CCB, we had a few real connecting moments, I thought. There was also a lot of dead space on the air, where he wasn’t saying anything, and neither was I. And maybe that made it “boring.” But he had some insightful things to say about me, and overall, it felt good. I felt happy when we hung up and said good night.

    I know that he’s still not a real guy. My real person is there for me, somewhere. But definitely it has been good practice for me, so far…

  323.  #323Tereana on April 28, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    And I keep thinking about SYG lately, for some reason. I don’t want to, he just pops back into my mind, and I know it’s no good. I feel like I want “resolution,” but I honestly don’t know what would make it feel “resolved.” There is nothing I could experience from talking to him. not, I suppose, unless he decided he wanted to talk to me. Which I’m not expecting. but I suppose that doesn’t make it impossible either…

  324.  #324Zia on April 29, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Thanks heart.
    I guess I just want to make sure I do this in the most “open” and “feminine” way I can (if that is even possible) while still being strong and standing up for myself and what makes me feel good.

  325.  #325Zia on April 29, 2013 at 12:59 am

    I will definitely give him a set time on the day…. and I’ve done this a few times before, plenty of options for him to pick up his smaller items which I had even left outside for him and he never came. I’d even left his things out in the carport for about two weeks with plenty of windows to pick it up (one weekend it was literally from thursday to sunday when my son was at his dad’s for the weekend).

    In fact the most recent one was on Saturday he was meant to come get these smaller items between 11-12 (he contacted me and suggested this time) and when he hadn’t turned up by 12:30 I went out. He contacted me around 2:30pm to say sorry for not coming and could he come another day.

    That was what sparked this whole need in me to just get everything out all at once so that I guess I know that if he contacts me once all his stuff is gone, it would be because he wants to contact me not because he needs to get his things.

    The other reason I am curious about your opinions is because of some of the things FW said when I posted the other day that gave me a different perspective on things…. so thought even if this situation seems obvious I’d see what you all think is the best way to go about it..

  326.  #326Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Zia, what Heart said in 305 🙂

    Give him a time and if he doesn’t come by then, go out and do something fun away from home then throw the stuff out. Even this I think it being very accommodating to him.

    Just a thought Zia – why do you want someone who would accuse you of cheating when you haven’t, and would block you on Facebook? Have you answered that question for yourself?

    You are worth so much more, sweet girl 🙂

  327.  #327Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 4:06 am


    Guys say they want something long-term, and it later turns out to be not quite true, for many reasons:

    – They wanted to get close to you, and sensed that this is what you wanted to hear,
    – They meant it in the moment. Guys often say things that they mean in the heat of the moment, and this can change.

    The thing is, it’s not our business to wonder why. All that matters is that his actions didn’t live up to his words, he left you. You can certainly look at what you need to work on in yourself in terms of being a strong yet soft, feminine woman, but please don’t spend too much time dwelling on the “why” of why he did what he did. You will never really know, and it is sending too much energy to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

  328.  #328Kath on April 29, 2013 at 4:08 am

    I think I’ve caught up now and I am so much more calm than I was before- and less upset!- so thank you to everyone!- I have struggled with ther anger I have felt and the feeling that my guy has let me down and I now see that even though he thinks that it is me who needs to change for us to work, I know that it is my reactions to his behaviour that need to change- and I need to stop feeling that he is totally responsible for my happiness. Over the weekend I said to him that I couldn’t afford to pay all the household bills right now and he offered to give me more money. He’s still quite cold and uncaring in his tone but little things he’s said have made me realise that I need to start taking control of me and taking the pressure off. He is still lying to me and I know it-he went round to a female friend’s house on saturday and didn’t tell me where he was going- he was seen which makes it even harder. This is the same woman who he said he’d have no contact with because he knew I didn’t like her and he knew it would come between us- it would appear he’s now changed his mind and would prefer to do things behind my back. There will be an opportunity for the truth to come out but that’s not yet so I am staying quiet and loving and caring and really listening to everything he says and does. All will become clear at the end of May but in the meantime, this month is all about me.

  329.  #329Lisa on April 29, 2013 at 4:47 am

    @Katarinia We have been dating/ in a relationship for this time. He still calls and asks me out, yes eve after almost 4mos. We spend usually about 3-4 days a week together. I don’t call him and I don’t ask him on dates. I still allow him to plan the dates. He asks me sometimes what I want. I respond.

    @Dominique that is totally clear. I believe that wholeheartedly. I think that evolutionary wise Women are ahead of men emotionally anyways. I agree that the healing in a man heart starts ( if I’m understanding you correctly) when he is in a relationship with a woman that heals… and it triggers his healing. I’m noticing that with “M”. Yes, I have read your articles.

    I can find Katarina’s point about not over investing in a man past where he is and how that can cause heart ache if you do. I can see how just watching and waiting to see how it unfolds before jumping in over our heads would keep us from heart ache. Also, circle dating helps too.

  330.  #330Lisa on April 29, 2013 at 5:03 am

    @ Katarina
    I agree with leaning back that you can get more realistic with things and also take a more clear view of things and decide if HE is what I want. Less heartache and no drama… I’ve done that in many relationships… Still loved the person but also was able to get clear on if they were for me or not by leaning back.

    I’ve found that when I’m too clingy,needy etc. that is a red flag for me, that I’m not paying attention enough to what I want and need and that I’m most likely overlooking something I need to see.

  331.  #331Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 5:08 am

    k2012 – 299 – It doesn’t matter what a man says or doesn’t say. What matters is his actions, how he treats you, and the more open and curious you can be about him and life in general, the more easily will you be able to discern whether his words line up with his actions.

    And remember too that just like we women, a man can change his mind, from one moment to the next even.

    What counts is what shows up in how he looks at you, how he touches you, how he looks out for you, how he touches your heart. Your answers are there.


  332.  #332Kath on April 29, 2013 at 5:10 am

    #317- Lisa,

    Exactly!- I so agree with you. I was so confident and self assured when I met my guy and as we have got exclusive and now living together I feel trapped and as though all my energies are in one basket now and I have little control over anything. That is why I’ve got needy and unhappy and I hate myself for that- so after the events of last weekend, I have gone inside and shifted my vibe. I am now focussing on me and ignoring him- I’m still being lovely and soft on the outside but I am not concerning myself with anything else. I can feel he has changed towards me because I have got needy and so I am distancing myself and giving him space to see that I really don’t want to act in that way and that I am in control of me and my feelings. If he changes his opinion and comes back to me then all good, if not then I move out, either way I need to be true to me.

  333.  #333Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 5:10 am

    janie baby – 300 – you did well. in this case a response or not is fine. if you feel compelled to write something, a smiley maybe, yet it’s perfectly okay leaving things as is.


  334.  #334Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 5:15 am

    janie baby – 302 – leaning back does not apply ALL the time when in a relationship. when in doubt, most likely it is best to do so. yet if you can do so without holding onto hope he will respond or give you something back, i.e. holding onto expectations or an agenda, it’s okay to lean forward or initiate.

    the neediness and insecurity are parts of you to love on and embrace. the more you can, the less they will come to plague you.

    they may be there for always, and there is nothing wrong with this. I think we all have this to some degree or another if we’re being truly honest with ourselves.


  335.  #335Kath on April 29, 2013 at 5:34 am

    I got scared that I had put all my eggs in one basket and that I’d made a mistake because of the actions and behaviour he displayed. The trouble is he doesn’t understand why I got upset and doesn’t see that he has done anything wrong, rather it is all my problem and I need to get it sorted. He doesn’t understand that it is his actions and what he said that prompted me to feel that my confidence in the relationship had suddenly been knocked. I have had a couple of alarm bells ring in the last few months and when I have voiced my concerns he doesn’t understand and twists it round to being my fault. Then we had both calmed down and I asked him why we couldn’t seem to resolve the issues, he said it was because he ALWAYS compromised. I said if that was the case then the issues would be resolved, but he disagreed and when I asked him why he thought that was the case, he said “because I never agree with them”. What kind of a statement is that?- have to say I have been on the back foot since that comment and am now resigned to him never seeing my point of view so I’m ignoring it-focussing on me and my happiness and doing what is good for me.

  336.  #336Zia on April 29, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Indigo: it’s a great question!! I guess because of how good the relationship was aside from these insecurities, and the fact.that he acknowledged he.has some growing up to do and that he does have insecurity/jealousy issues.

    but yes I do know I deserve better which is a big reason I’ve.decided it’s time to stop hanging on to him via his stuff. I think I have a but more work to do on myself with regards to breaking old relationship habits… I’m getting there 🙂

  337.  #337Zia on April 29, 2013 at 6:31 am

    What I like about having this place to share in, is that sometimes even just posting things on here can answer our own questions, when we see them written in black and white and can see from the perspective “if someone else posted this, what would be my advice?”

  338.  #338prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Haven’t heard from H since Saturday afternoon, but he has been out of town at his daughters volleyball conference and he is a chaperone so I’m sure he is very busy. Been trying to keep myself busy as well. Had an awesome time Saturday night out with my friends. Felt kinda sad and blah yesterday tho. Not quite sure why 🙁

    There’s something I’m not quite sure about. Maybe Dominique or Mercedes can help? Or anyone who knows the situation. For the Tuesday evenings that H has planned for us to get together….do I just automatically assume that they will happen? Or if he doesn’t mention it a day or two ahead of time do I make other plans?

  339.  #339Syreena on April 29, 2013 at 7:18 am

    When I face the reality of what is, I feel so very sad and want to throw up. 🙁

    Oh dear God, it feels so difficult to keep believing that there are some truly good men out there the more I find out. I want to throw up, I want to be sick. Even the ones who are the surface appear good I then find out are not good on the inside.

    Three male relatives, behind their wives backs trying to get in the pants of other female relatives and then asking the women involved to keep what they have said a secret. This feels so awful to hear. I feel so sad. What on earth is this all about? I can appreciate some of the male relatives I have being attractive, good looking having good qualities etc. Doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them though, I seriously want to vomit at the thought of them wanting to do this to women. How is this right? What is wrong with the world with this going on. This is WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!. I do not feel able to not judge this as wrong. Or is that ok as I am judging the behavior?

    I feel like crying so much over this It feels scary knowing the truth. 🙁 🙁 :(.

    Seriously, how on earth does one forgive these men? I don’t want to forgive them I want to stay away from them.

  340.  #340Mercedes on April 29, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Thanks for all the hugs over the weekend ladies. 🙂 You make a woman feel so supported.

    K2012 – I don’t counsel anymore but I do plan to live coach in one form or another at the yoga/meditation studio when it opens. I will never regret getting my psychology degree but for me, that’s really a thing I do to grow and to feel good…not so much something I do for a living. Maybe that will change one day. I don’t know if I really want it to.

    Hope everyone had a happy weekend. My focus for today:

    Between now and this exact time tomorrow, I have 1,440 minutes. Will I let them pass by without notice or will I strive to be in each of them and notice each of them and make the absolute MOST of what each of them can offer me? 1440 minutes making me offers one right after another. What better way to live that that? I think I’ll try to notice them. 🙂

    Much Love,

  341.  #341Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 7:38 am

    prplpsn – What has his pattern been so far? Has he always shown up for this meetup?

  342.  #342prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 8:12 am

    FW – He pretty much lets me know that afternoon how things are going with his work. It’s been an every week thing. I think he’s only missed one or two since he started it.

  343.  #343Syreena on April 29, 2013 at 8:14 am

    266: Dominique says:

    “janie baby – 252 – It’s not always this simple, yet it could be. What you said to him though was all kinds of blaming, bordering on b*tchy, not exactly words to inspire him to want to spend more time with you.”

    Ouch! I don’t like to hear other women being judged as bitchy, unless it is playful fun banter,

    “This is what you seem to feel under all of this and what would inspire him to see you more.”

    That question feels a good one to ask yo me.
    My answer would be to lean back move away from him and cd. I would be getting my energy away from him and on myself. Not leaning or moving forwards towards him. He moved away from you by going away and leaning forward or chasing will not inspire a masculine energy man, may reward a feminine energy man who want you to chase him though.

    “I missed you while you were in Vegas. So much. I feel SO much more connected when I get to see you in person. I would SO love to spend some time with you. And soon. What do you think?”


    This feels off to me. And feels like rewarding him for going away. Subconsciously he will then get the massage that you want want to see him and spend time with him more because he has not been around. I personally would not want to give any man that subconscious message and train him to treat me like that again. It would feel better to me to do the opposite, fill my time up with lots of fun things so I didn’t have time to miss him.

  344.  #344Elsie on April 29, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Whew – Catching up.

    Ok I used to do the hold him and shake him a lot. @Feminine Woman – I laughed out loud at that – OMG. How funny. I can totally picture myself doing that. (Or holding on to his ankle while he is trying to walk out the door figuratively…LOL.)

    @Luzydel – Your post really resonated with me. Last fall GS and I had a very similar situation. He had never really been “good” in relationships before, and so he went into a funk. I let him. I just let him back off and away from me. I never ever made him feel bad for it. I just went and did my own thing. It was the hardest thing EVER. But I did. And then he came back. And then I KNEW it was because he wanted to be back, not because I was GRABBING AND PULLING him to come back. I dont know if he and I end up together forever, but we are together now, and it was because I was the best possible version of me, and didnt react hysterically when someone needed their own time frame to deal with something.

    @Katrina Phang – The most important thing for a woman to do is to mirror and follow a man’s lead to protect herself from over-investment. A lot of women who come to me are always ahead of their men. ABSOLUTELY. SLOW. HAND. CLAP. ABSOLUTELY. (now if that were only easy….. LOL).

    I am so glad I”m finally caught up!!! 🙂

    I need to really work on not wanting to have answers right not about everything. I want to know if this works out in the end, WHEN it works out, etc. etc. I feel a tendency to want to cling even though I dont. I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself not to step ahead of him. Its so natural to me to want to step ahead and take charge, but then it feels so icky once I’m there.

    I love that he comes over to talk to me. I love when he kisses me first, and touches me first. I love when he texts me first. I love when he makes plans to be together. I need to remember that this man loves me even when those things are not happening every single second. My need to be reassured is not at a healthy level, and I wonder if it will ever get easier for me….??

  345.  #345Elsie on April 29, 2013 at 8:39 am

    OK – I’m crazy. I feel crazy.

    This man has been nothing but really really good to me. He is there for me when I need him. He is sweet and kind and gentle and nice. He has never said one nasty or bad word to me.

    He just offered to come over and help with a huge huge project that is a house type project.


    The negative voices are loud today. I worry that he doesnt contact me enough at night or on weekends. I dont like the fact that we just talked for an hour, and never once did he lean in to touch me. We havent been together alone in a week. I just feel like I need some alone time with him and I want to be next to him.

    What do I do with these feelings?

    I know I know – focus on something else. Dont lean in….etc. etc. But what if I just want to run over there and hug him and tell him how much I miss being alone with him?

  346.  #346Kath on April 29, 2013 at 8:43 am

    OMG Elsie, you’re so right!- I nede to learn this- I love it when my guy initiates anything- holds my hand, gives me a kiss, any physical contact at all is lovely!- makes me feel really wanted and needed. It has tailed off though in the past few months and everytime he says somethingn in a less than caring way it crushes me. I know its my anger and fear that has made this happen and even though I have tried to explain, I still think he is keeping his distance. My issue with him though is that I have learnt that he is not a totally honest and open person and that is what I can’t deal with. Honesty and trust are the two main ingredients for me- but I guess even that is something I have sought control over-he doesn’t feel safe with me at the moment and may never feel safe with me again- I have to back off and let him to his thing and at the same time I have to do mine.

  347.  #347Elsie on April 29, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Kath –

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I dont have the issue of trust. I completely 100% trust him. He has never lied to me in the decade and a half that I have known him.

    Again – my negative voices are so loud today. I dont know why.

    I just want to run over there and hug him and tell him that I miss him.

  348.  #348Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 8:47 am

    prplpsn – It looks like the pattern has been established and if he consistenty shows up and apologizes if he drops the ball I believe his actions are showing that you can trust him. If however, you need him to change the pattern and give you some kind of confirmation so that you can feel solid about the plans I believe it could be addressed. For me I would address it the next time he does not show up or if he cancels.

  349.  #349Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 8:52 am

    “I dont like the fact that we just talked for an hour, and never once did he lean in to touch me.”

    Elsie when you are talking and you feel like touching him, I would experiment with a soft quick touch on the arm or shoulder. If you feel like leaning in and kissing him, I would lean back energetically and just tell him how I am feeling. I don’t believe this guy is going anywhere so I would experiment with saying that. Maybe just smile/laugh at yourself while he is talking, he will sense that you are somewhere else internally and likely check what’s up with you. Being in the office could cause him to naturally compartmentalize his being into business mode.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Kath are you afraid that this man will leave you or end this relationship?

  351.  #351Kath on April 29, 2013 at 9:02 am


    I’m afraid that I am losing him because I wasn’t able to tell him how I felt without losing it. I didn’t feel heard and I kept trying to explain and ended up getting very angry and frustrated. He backed off emotionally although said he thinks we may have a chance if I control my anger and temper. However, he doesn’t see what caused it and doesn’t see that he’s done anything wrong and is now not being honest with me. I have an issue with honesty but also self worth and I know I have to deal with this and I will- but its hard to do.

  352.  #352Elsie on April 29, 2013 at 9:15 am

    @Feminine Woman – You are probably right. I just miss being alone and close to him.

    I wonder now….

    Should I ask for his help around the house? I DEFINITELY DO NOT take advantage of it – and I rarely ask for many things. But I dont want him to feel obligated or like he HAS to – or like I’m just a big burden on him.

    Its hard because there was no one there doing anything for me for so long, that its so hard to ask and actually have someone HELP me out. And it feels weird and hard to do at the same time. I love it that he helps me out ….

    I just wish his response would have been – I would love to help you out…..he did say that he would help. And I said – well, I am sure you dont want to…and he laughed and said of COURSE I dont WANT to LOL – there is stuff around my own house I dont WANT to do – but SH*T needs to get done! Thats his catch phrase. LOL.

    Anyway – help me stop these stupid negative voices.

    Ugh – why are they so LOUD today.

  353.  #353Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Kath many men don’t tell women truth because they fear the woman’s anger if he tells her the truth. Can you consider dropping the explaining? That is about controlling the other person. You also seem to hung up on being right and him being wrong. Nobody enjoys feeling wrong or being told that they are wrong and being a bad boy.

  354.  #354Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I dont want him to feel obligated – blah blah blah

    If you need help you need help. Work on getting comfortable asking for help as long as it is not a strategy to see him. I have a friend who outrightly ask men for stuff and tell them to “please feel free to say no as I don’t want you to feel obligated”. He can handle his feelings anyway and I believe would appreciate you respecting that he can handle it. The question is more if you can take no for an answer if he chooses to say no. If so let him know you will not feel offended if he can’t do what you ask.

  355.  #355Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Kath which of Rori’s Programs do you have. I just saw this in an email and thought of you:-

    “That’s why I developed and recorded my Heart Connection Toolkit program for you.

    My Toolkit is a collection of my very best encouraging words, advice, mantras and exercises designed to LIFT your self-esteem, change your attitude and make you feel more empowered in relationships and dating.

    It’s my very best Tools to help you rise ABOVE the negativity and bad experiences and see yourself as the goddess and Rock Star you really are!”

  356.  #356Syreena on April 29, 2013 at 9:26 am

    322: Kathsays:

    “I got scared that I had put all my eggs in one basket and that I’d made a mistake because of the actions and behaviour he displayed. The trouble is he doesn’t understand why I got upset and doesn’t see that he has done anything wrong, rather it is all my problem and I need to get it sorted. He doesn’t understand that it is his actions and what he said that prompted me to feel that my confidence in the relationship had suddenly been knocked. I have had a couple of alarm bells ring in the last few months and when I have voiced my concerns he doesn’t understand and twists it round to being my fault. Then we had both calmed down and I asked him why we couldn’t seem to resolve the issues, he said it was because he ALWAYS compromised. I said if that was the case then the issues would be resolved, but he disagreed and when I asked him why he thought that was the case, he said “because I never agree with them”. What kind of a statement is that?- have to say I have been on the back foot since that comment and am now resigned to him never seeing my point of view so I’m ignoring it-focussing on me and my happiness and doing what is good for me.”

    Kath I feel curious about what the issue/s were.
    It appears to me that like Rori says though the answers are inside you and you know what the answer is.

    “have been on the back foot since that comment and am now resigned to him never seeing my point of view so I’m ignoring it-focussing on me and my happiness and doing what is good for me.”

    “My issue with him though is that I have learnt that he is not a totally honest and open person and that is what I can’t deal with. Honesty and trust are the two main ingredients for me-”

    You have to be honest with yourself about the reality of what is! And trust yourself to know what the answer is.
    Which is what you have now done. Well done you!

    Which brings me back again to your own answer.
    “have been on the back foot since that comment and am now resigned to him never seeing my point of view so I’m ignoring it-focussing on me and my happiness and doing what is good for me.”

    In order to say yes to what we do want on this journey of discovering what we do want, we have to able to say no and reject what we do not want. Not try and make a specific person give us what we want. The right man for us will want to and be able to give us what we want.
    HE IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!. What you have discovered what you want want is to be in a relationship with an open and honest man who wants who is able to see your point of view and wants to give you what you want. 🙂

    That was the message and the learning he brought you.

  357.  #357Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:28 am


    “Important And Powerful Beliefs That Create Attraction
    There are certain “mindsets” that women who are naturally successful in love have that draw men’s attention and interest.

    These beliefs or “mindsets” trigger a very powerful response in a man. They tell him that this is a woman who is self-assured and knows what she wants and how to get it.

    These beliefs also communicate that the woman is “higher status” and thus naturally compel a man to think she’s unique and someone worth his time and attention.

    In other words, these are the “attitudes” a woman projects which make her irresistible to a man.

    It’s what a woman is saying without actually saying it at all. She says it with her body language, with the way she carries herself, and the way she behaves inside a relationship.

    They’re BELIEFS because a woman actually believes these to be true about herself and her life.

    Here are just a few:

    I don’t let a man determine what I want/will have in my love life
    This kind of woman won’t “settle” for a man who isn’t giving her what she wants and needs, emotionally.

    I’d move on and leave a man before I’d let him ruin my life
    This woman won’t stay in a relationship that’s abusive, degrading, or morally questionable. She also won’t put up with bad behavior from a man. Integrity and trust are important to her, and she lets him know that.

    I wouldn’t keep a man from doing the things he enjoys
    She knows that her man is an adult who has the right to make his own choices. She respects his “freedom” and his need to pursue his goals and dreams.

    And that’s just for starters…”

  358.  #358Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 9:29 am


    Do you know what caused your anger?

  359.  #359Syreena on April 29, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Kath says:


    I’m afraid that I am losing him”

    My question would be why are you afraid of losing what you have now discovered you do not really want?

  360.  #360Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Elsie 331 & 338

    I sense that you are very hard on yourself.

    Yes, he’s been nothing but good to you. Yes, he’s offered to help you. But you are worth that. Can you just completely accept and appreciate?

    Can you love those little voices jumping up and down wanting reassurance, and smile at them and give them a pat on the head? That’s who you are with this man. It’s ok.

  361.  #361prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Thanks FW 🙂

  362.  #362Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:48 am

    A Rori’s letter part 1
    Stop Feeling On Edge Guessing A Man’s Every Move – I’ll Teach You How To Make Him Start Pursuing You


    Do you ever feel like a man is so important to you that he’s worth all the pain he causes you? To the point of where you’re second-guessing yourself all the time, and working so hard to figure out how to behave and what to say to make the relationship happen? As if things would change if you could just get what to do and say right.

    I know I lived most of my life making men more important than myself. At least men I had “feelings” for. With a man I cared for, I’d think about him all the time. I’d strategize, talk about him with my friends, worry about what he was thinking, and what would happen next.

    With a man I didn’t “feel anything for,” and dated just because he was “nice” or “financially well-off,” I could barely remember him after being with him.

    He Just Wasn’t All That Important

    It took me a long time, but when I finally got my love life working for the first time in my life, all of a sudden I realized it was working because I’d created it so that no men were all that important.

    Even if I’d slept with them. Even if I’d dated them for months. Even if I’d met their family and had incredible times.

    I’d somehow trained myself to think of myself as more important than any of these men, and I was able, in an amazing way, to let them just “run through my life.” They ran through my life the way a river runs through river beds. They came in and went out. Some stayed a long time, some didn’t.

    And somehow, I didn’t care. I just kept believing one would stay, and that I wouldn’t have to convince him to stay. And one did. He was great, and I married him. He stayed and turned my “river of men” into a beautiful lake. And you can do it, too.

    I Know You Can, Because If I Could Do It, Any Woman Can

    You may be wondering to yourself right now how in the world I did that. How did I make it so that I didn’t become attached to any one man, and got a more relaxed, “what will be will be” attitude with dating?

    It happened because I decided I no longer could afford to make any man the center of my life unless he was 100%, totally, and completely devoted to me.

    And that meant, unless there was a ring on my finger, I was not giving away my heart and soul to a man. I wasn’t exclusive with any man. What exclusivity had gotten me in the past is really a lot of heartbreak and disappointment.

    I realized at that time of my life that becoming a man’s “girlfriend” without a commitment was actually UNattractive to a man. He doesn’t have to pursue you anymore, and he doesn’t have to work hard for your attention and affection.

    Men get lazy. They keep on doing what they want to do, especially if they know you’re going to be there, waiting patiently. And often what they do is they decide to date someone else, or stall and stall and stall so that years go by without a commitment. Don’t do this to yourself.

    There’s A Way To Get The Kind Of Attention You Want From A Man

    There’s a way to get the kind of attention from a man that happens when he genuinely, and without pressure, feels so intrigued and attracted to you that he can’t help but chase you.

    It happens when you get a certain kind of “vibe” that tells a man that you have high enough regard for yourself that you won’t tolerate bad behavior. And, you certainly don’t “chase” after a man.

    In my Targeting Mr. Right video program, you’ll learn the secret to curing just about any love problem:

    Men who withdraw
    Men who aren’t ready to commit
    Men who aren’t sure you’re “the one”
    Men who don’t call to ask you out
    Men who don’t treat you as a priority

    “Targeting” will show you how to become the kind of “diva” in dating that men are irresistibly drawn toward. You’ll learn how to date in a way that gives you the best options.

    You will land the man of your dreams, and Targeting Mr. Right will show you how, step-by-step.

  363.  #363Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Rori’s letter part 2

    Meanwhile, here’s a letter from “Alice” (you’ll see why I call her Alice instead of what she calls herself) who’s struggling with making a man too important – right from the first meeting:

    “Dear Rori,
    I recently met a guy at my best friend’s wedding. He was the photographer and I immediately noticed him. He approached me and we talked a little bit. At the reception later that night, in between taking pictures, he would come sit next to me at our table where we would continue to talk. Before I left he pulled out my phone and put his number in it. I insisted that he have mine in his phone also because I would rather he called me.

    Later that night I called to thank him for his company (stupid choice #1). The next night he called to ask how the second reception had gone that he couldn’t attend and we talked a little bit. A few nights later I called to ask the name of a book that he recommended I read. I told him I had ‘forgotten’ the name….(stupid choice #2) how sly I thought I was. It’s only been a few days, but I can’t help thinking I’ve ruined it. He lives nearly three hours away, so I don’t know when we will see each other next, if at all. I know I shouldn’t have ever called. Have I ruined any chance I might have had to woo him? I promised myself I wouldn’t call anymore, and I won’t… so now where does that leave me? Is there anything I can do? Stupid”

    First – please, no more calling yourself or anything you do “stupid.” We all make mistakes, and sometimes it’s our mistakes, catching them and figuring out how to not make them again, that can HELP us more than anything else. It’s the trial-and-error that got me where I am today, so a little trial-and-error will help you too, if you use my Tools to guide you.

    It’s Not Just What She’s Doing – Calling – It’s Her Attitude Inside

    And that attitude is – “This guy talked to me at a party, he obviously liked me because he put his number in my phone, and now I’m all hung up on him.”

    Men do all kinds of things. They act like they’re in love with you, and then forget about you. They say things to you and then they change their minds. They’re motivated to reach out to you for all kindas of reasons.

    It’s easy to look at Alice’s letter and say “I’ll bet the moment he realized she lived 3 hours away, he lost interest.” And yet, I have a client who just married a man who, when they met, lived 5 hours away. She had an engagement ring within 2 months, moved to his city in 6 months and was married in less than a year.

    So how do you know?

    Here’s where not calling (at least not so fast) comes in handy. If you don’t call, you get to find out how excited he is about you. You get to see if he’s excited enough to at least… call. If he’s not excited enough to call, the rest of the trip to the wedding is going to be much more torturous – even if you could manage to create it.

    If He Lost Your Number, He’ll Track You Down If He’s Excited.

    Three hours would seem like nothing to him. In my experience, a man KNOWS when he’s found his one. He may not know he knows, but he knows… and most often, he does know, and he even tells his friends “I met this woman…”

    If that’s not happening for him, what usually goes on is he either stops it at the beginning and never follows up, or he dates you and dates you and tries to turn you into his one.

    In other words, he may like you so much, and like having sex with you so much, and admire you and like having you around so much that he tries to fall for you, and wants to fall for you, but just doesn’t.

    It’s as though we expect, if all the puzzle pieces are there, and we’ve spent enough time together, that a man will fall. As though it’s a given that liking leads to love. And that’s not how it works. If we’re honest with ourselves, it doesn’t work that way for us women, either.

    We Can’t Talk Ourselves Into Being “In Love” Just Because We “Love”

    My Tools are all about helping him fall in love by opening up your heart to him while, at the same time, you stand by your own inner strength and boundaries. And no man can fall in love with a woman who’s pushing herself on him “chasing him” trying to be clever and act like she doesn’t care (when in fact she does – a lot!)

    So it wasn’t even Alice’s calling the photographer that destroyed any chance there was for a relationship to happen – it was her attitude that he was so important!

    He was so important that she couldn’t wait to see what he would do. Instead, she should have continued flirting with every man everywhere, dating up a storm, and forgetting about him – or any man who doesn’t call.

    So, if you – like Alice – are finding yourself thinking about a man (especially one you’ve just met or been out with only a few times), rethink this. Step Back.

    Ask Yourself: Why Am I Doing This – Making Him So Important?

    Why am I assuming he needs some help – that he needs me to call him, even though he has my number?

    If you can learn to let men run through your life – without landing on one or letting one get under your skin – everything will change for you. All of a sudden men won’t be so important.

    And as great as that will be for your insides – you’ll feel steadier and more confident – it will have an incredible affect on the men you meet or the man you already have.

    Instead of playing the “I’m hard to get” game, and bouncing back and forth in your mind trying to figure out what to do (call or don’t call, do this, don’t do that…), you’ll be free to flirt with all men, spend your time and energy in a way that feels good to YOU, and you will actually, authentically BE hard to get.

    Every Man Who Gets Near You Will Be Able To Pick Up On It

    Your “vibe” will change dramatically, from the inside out. A man will sense that he has to work hard to be with you (and men love to work hard for a woman).

    In my Modern Siren program, I call this a woman with a “High Degree of Difficulty.” A woman with a High Degree of Difficulty doesn’t need a man. You like a man, but you don’t need him. And you won’t chase him, either.

    If he’s interested, he’s going to have to call you. Because you don’t need to make him important. You’ll be as far from “needy” as a woman can get, and confidence will just radiate out of you.

    So, Alice – for next time (yes, don’t call, it will help you get so much better results) – don’t worry so much about what you do and say. Instead…

    Vow To Make Sure He’s Just Not That Important To You

    You’ll see, it will go better next time. In Modern Siren, you’ll learn to tap into your feminine power and your High Degree of Difficulty.

    It doesn’t take much – because we’re all born with this natural, magnetic power over men. Most of us just lost it somewhere along the way. We think it’s a good idea to “chase” a man from the very moment he shows interest in us. We think it’s a good idea to woo a man with our bodies, with our intelligence, or with our spirituality.

    The problem is, that no man will fall for a woman just because she’s got a sharp mind and a beautiful body. A man will fall for you because of the emotions you stir up in him. Because of the way you capture his imagination with your mysterious, feminine allure.

    What qualities do some “other” women have that make men go nutty chasing after them? Is it their looks? (Not always) Their personalities? (Not really) Everything they have going for them? (You and I both know that’s not always the case!) What these other women have is a kind of special feminine allure and mystery that drives men nuts with desire and affection for them.

    In Modern Siren, you’ll learn exactly what that allure is and how to bring it out in yourself instantly. It’s easier than you think, and it’s more powerful than you can imagine.

    You’ll also learn:

    1 What he’s thinking and feeling every step of the way (so you don’t sabotage your relationship by guessing)
    2 How you’ve been suppressing your own feminine power because of your own life experiences
    3 How to interpret his behavior accurately without having to ask him (or your girlfriends)
    4 What to say and do when he acts flaky, stand-offish, or just plain rude in order to get his attention and stay grounded

    I know my Modern Siren program will help you, and I look forward to hearing how you’re doing with not making a man so important and using all my Tools to get what you want.

    Love, Rori

  364.  #364prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 9:49 am

    And I received a text from him a while ago that said “Good morning sunshine! How are you this morning?” 🙂

  365.  #365Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Rori’s letter part 3

    P.S. If you feel compelled to call a man when he hasn’t given you the time of day, stop. Re-read this email, take my advice to heart, and tell yourself that you will not chase after a man. It doesn’t do you any good, and it doesn’t “make” him come around to wanting to be in a relationship with you.

    Still need more help and support? Then here’s what you should do: Watch my Modern Siren program every time you feel pulled to chase after, plead with, or convince a man that you’d make a great girlfriend.

    You’ll get powerful Tools, amazing insights, lots of supportive advice, and you’ll feel better and stronger, and you will know what to do to be irresistible to him, without compromising yourself:

    Modern Siren

    Targeting Mr. Right
    A nuts-and-bolts approach that gets you your dream man – FAST:
    Find and keep Mr. Right
    Avoid heartbreak in dating
    Make a man chase YOU

    Commitment Blueprint
    Get the life-long devotion you want in 7 simple steps:
    Become his prize to pursue
    Make him work hard to keep you
    Trigger his life-long commitment

  366.  #366Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:50 am

    From Rori Raye 1

    Effortlessly Land The Man Of Your Dreams With A Tool That’s A Virtual “Cure All” To End The Struggles Of Dating Or “Go-Nowhere” Relationships

    What if you could eliminate all the uncertainty, struggle and hopelessness from finding yourself in go-nowhere relationships, dating men who suddenly withdraw, or wondering why that one special guy isn’t calling you back?

    What if the process of finding a fulfilling relationship could be not only effortless, but amazingly FUN?

    What would it be like if you felt completely and utterly IRRESISTIBLE because you had your pick of several men who were all bending over backwards to please you?

    Imagine a life where the man you were attracted to called exactly when he said he would – because he didn’t want to lose out on spending time with you.

    Imagine feeling so desired and beautiful because the man you’re attracted to or in a relationship with thinks you’re a valuable and rare “catch.”

    I know there’s nothing more confidence-bashing than a man who doesn’t call back or doesn’t tell you how he feels about you or doesn’t care about making you feel special and precious. It can make you feel downright AWFUL and UNWANTED.

    You’re about to learn how to have a man CHASING YOU and begging you for your time and attention. The key is knowing how to use the one powerful Tool that I call “the best-kept secret in the Universe” when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s so powerful and effective, it’s virtually a cure for whatever ails you in love.

    The 3 Big Mistakes Most Women Make That Prevent Them From Getting Their Dream Man…

    So many of us become “lost” the moment we fall for a man. Immediately he becomes the center of our world. But the moment we even THINK about a man as the “center of our world,” his feelings of attraction for us go away. It may feel good to his ego… but it does nothing inside his heart. What makes a man go crazy for a woman is the fact that he might lose her.

    Mistake #1 – Chasing HIM

    You chase him by calling him first, texting him all the time, asking where he was and why he didn’t call, offering to make him dinner when he hasn’t asked you first, talking about your future together or the fact that you’re a couple when he hasn’t expressed that himself… etc. It’s about GIVING without getting much back.

    When you “chase” a man, he’ll back away even further. Even if you’re only thinking about chasing him. It doesn’t matter. The vibe is out there, and he feels it.

    Mistake #2 – Becoming Exclusive Too Soon

    We’ve been taught that the way to go in love is to get a man to commit to us exclusively as quickly as possible.

    The TRUTH is that demanding, expecting, and yes, even wanting “exclusivity” with a man too soon is a demonstration of weakness to him.

    “How could that be?” you ask… It’s like this:

    When a man senses that you’re willing to fully invest yourself in a relationship with him BEFORE he’s ready to commit, it lowers your “Degree of Difficulty” (how hard you are to “get” and his perception of your worth) practically down to zero.

    Mistake #3 – Not Dating At All Or “Dating And Hating It”

    It’s easy to start feeling that no men measure up to your standards. Or to be afraid of losing the one man you want by dating other men. So you don’t date. Instead, you focus on getting that one man BACK.

    When you narrow down your options like this, you’re giving up your freedom for no reason and missing out on meeting Mr. Right.

    Introducing The Secret Weapon That Ends Go-Nowhere Relationships Forever

    There’s a magic Tool that works practically every time to get a man’s attention, elevate your worth, and get a commitment-phobic man to “snap to” and decide quickly what he wants from a relationship with you. It’s something I call Circular Dating. Circular Dating means dating more than one man at the same time, or dating “yourself” and flirting with other men.

    That’s right… it’s not just about officially “dating” men. It can also be about simply and easily INTERACTING with men in your everyday life, WITHOUT any fear or guilt, without giving out your number or email, and without an actual “date.”

    How Circular Dating Can Help You Target Mr. Right And Get Him To Commit

    1) Circular Dating Stops Neediness, Anxiety And Desperation

    You actually start FEELING more interesting and attractive because men see you this way. Your Degree of Difficulty automatically and effortlessly goes up – right along with your self-esteem. You have choices, you’re not sitting around waiting for one man to call, and you’re having a blast meeting different people and doing different, interesting things every weekend.

    2) Circular Dating Makes Him Want You More

    He’ll suddenly want you MORE, but won’t understand why. He’ll realize there’s a good chance you’ll leave him, and that he has to step up or risk losing you forever. And, if you do it right, he’ll feel pulled toward you by your warmth, openness and inner strength. There is absolutely NOTHING more attractive to a man than a woman who really, truly, is focused on her own needs and does not let her love for a man come before her love for herself.

    3) Circular Dating Lets Him Know What You Want Without “Drama”

    We’re often afraid to tell a man how we feel and what we want because we don’t want to rock the boat. At the same time, we’re afraid to let another man pay attention to us, for fear the man we’re with will become upset. But here’s the thing: (and I want you to really HEAR this) him getting upset and angry is the point! BUT… you want him to feel this on his OWN.

    You don’t want to tell him what he’s doing wrong, you don’t want “drama” or neediness and desperation, because that just knocks you backwards with him. Circular Dating will do it FOR YOU. He’ll get that you’re the best woman in his life and that if he doesn’t move quickly and change his behavior he’s going to LOSE you.

    4) Circular Dating Is Free Therapy

    Circular Dating is about using every interaction with a man as your coaching session – where you learn to be the most attractive, desirable and sought-after woman you ever thought possible. You can use Circular Dating when you’re running errands, when you’re at a class, when you’re just walking through a parking lot… anywhere and everywhere! The world of men is your classroom. With every “hello,” every conversation, every interaction, you’ll be one step closer to understanding men better and feeling more confident as a result.

    How A Woman Just Like You Landed Her Perfect Man… Simply By Using The Most Powerful Tool In Her Love Arsenal

    Circular Dating has been a transformational relationship and dating Tool for hundreds of my personal clients. The first time I discovered it was more than 20 years ago, when my live-in boyfriend (now husband) told me that he wasn’t ready to make a life-long commitment to me.

    There I was – living with a man who wasn’t sure he wanted to commit to me or have me in his life. I couldn’t afford to move out, and I really didn’t want to lose him because I loved him. I wasn’t sure what to do at first.

    After feeling completely in despair for a few days, I had a revelation. He could take all the time he wanted to come to a decision about us, but he couldn’t have me all to himself while he was mulling it over! I focused on making myself happy instead of trying to make him happy, and I started the process of Circular Dating. Two weeks later, he proposed to me.

    My Targeting Mr. Right Program Teaches You Everything You Need To Know About Circular Dating

    Targeting Mr. Right is my unique and completely comprehensive GUIDE on Circular Dating. It’s the HOW-TO, soup-to-nuts plan on where to find men to Circular Date, what to say when they flirt, what to do on a date, and how to handle dating (or simply flirting and interacting) with multiple men.

    In Targeting Mr. Right, I show you how to be at the center of many men who are all admiring you – like a target – all while you’re getting closer to targeting the ONE MAN who’s right for you. If you’re already a “girlfriend” and want to ease into this, I’ll show you exactly how to interact, speak to, or flirt with every man you come in contact with. You’ll be able to practice my powerful Tools without having to go on a single date if you don’t want to.

    Watch This Program Right Now – Risk FREE For 7 Days

    Try Targeting Mr. Right Now

    Discover Secrets To:
    Land The Man And Relationship Of Your Dreams
    Have A Man Chase YOU For A Commitment
    Make Him See You As A Unique And Rare “Catch”
    Over 6 hours of video: powerful advice, tips, techniques and exercises you can use right away
    1 payment of $199.85
    5 payments of $39.97

    In Targeting Mr. Right, You’ll Learn:

    ~How to use Circular Dating as Free Therapy: build your self-esteem and confidence around men

    ~How to handle almost ANY Circular Dating scenario through real demonstrations

    ~What to do and say if your man gets upset or angry over your decision to Circular Date

    ~One critical RULE about what you need to do in order to be attractive to every man you meet

    ~How to handle every kind of feeling, including jealousy, fear, guilt and loneliness

    ~What to say about sexual exclusivity… and exactly WHEN to bring it up
    “The Diva Creed” – a 5 phrase mantra for your “inner Diva” that actually keeps you from getting hooked on relationships that don’t work.

    ~A simple, written exercise to figure out your core needs and the 3 ways to get those needs met

    ~How to use your masculine energy to get your feminine needs met

    Watch This Entire Program Online RIGHT NOW, Risk Free
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    6+ hours of video material – you can watch immediately online

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    Tools and advice – immediate access

    Because I want as many women as possible to benefit from this program, I’ve priced it at only 5 easy monthly payments of $39.97… and it comes with my better-than-money-back guarantee.

    I care personally about you and your relationship success, and I’m 100% confident I can help you get there…

    You can download my programs or watch them online from your computer, smartphone, or other portable device.

    Try Targeting Mr. Right RISK FREE for 7 days. If for any reason you’re not happy, simply let me know before the 7 days are up, and I’ll give you a full refund.

    Start following the simple guidelines and step-by-step plan, and you’ll be amazed by the change that will happen in your love life and in how your man sees you and feels about you. You’ll feel desirable, worthy of love, confident, and completely ecstatic about dating and relationships.

    Love, Rori

  367.  #367Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:50 am

    From Rori Raye 2

    Tap Into Your Feminine Power So He’ll Find You Irresistible And Risk EVERYTHING To Be With You

    Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have your man (or any man you desire) throw himself at your feet in total devotion, willing to risk EVERYTHING just to be with you?

    It may seem like a fantasy, yet – there are women all over the world who are experiencing this right now.

    You probably know a woman just like this. She’s not particularly beautiful. She may not even be the smartest, most successful woman you know. Or the most generous or kind or funny. Certainly, she doesn’t have as much “going for her” as you do!

    But somehow she just knows how to “hook” men in a way that seems almost effortless. She always has great men trailing after her. She seems to know how to inspire life-long devotion in a man – from the first meeting all the way through years and years of marriage.

    What secret does a woman like this have that makes her so irresistible to men?

    If you’ve ever devoted your heart, time, and energy to a man who wouldn’t commit, only to watch him marry a woman like this, I know how you feel. It’s what happened to me before I discovered the answer to this question:

    Why Do Some Women Have Men Fighting To Be With Them, While It’s Such A Struggle For Us?

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    I’ve met many women who value their spiritual beliefs and want to be with a man who SHARES their values and spiritual interest and commitment. And it’s SO EASY to mistake the friendship that can grow between two people who worship in the same way, who care about the same things, for a passionate, emotional bond.

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    This Emotional Road – the Heart Road – was the only one I never even TRIED. And I never tried it because I didn’t even know what it WAS! I was so out of touch with my emotions, always operating out of my head or my body, that I couldn’t find my OWN heart – much less connect to HIS.

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  368.  #368Zara on April 29, 2013 at 9:51 am

    52: IamHis Thursday, 21 March 2013 10:56am says:

    Love this quote from The Energy Bus, by Jon Gordon:

    “The heart acts as an emotional conductor and radiates how you are feeling to every cell in the body via the heart’s electromagnetic field. This energy field can be detected up to 5 to 10 feet away.”

    Amazing, right?

    I feel kind of shy writing about this, but I was feeling extremely sad and overwhelmed the other night at class, and I wasn’t even thinking “hey, I need to let myself feel this” I just FELT it with every ounce of my being. I didn’t like feeling so sad.

    It was like SMC could feel my sadness too. He seemed magnetically drawn to me.

    It didn’t make me feel angry, which I think it would have a long time ago, seeing as he is an engaged man and all.

    It made me feel really safe and like he just wanted to protect me and make the pain go away. That felt so good to see that he still cares about me as a person, even though I told him I couldn’t handle being friends…

    He really is a good man.

    I don’t feel any harsh feelings towards him at all.

    I just feel a little disappointed that such a good one got away…

    Your Heart Is A Conductor
    Written by Rori Raye •Sunday, 31 March 2013

    Here’s a letter from “Lois” I just wanted to share:

    “Rori, On the blog, I read a great quote from a “Siren” about the heart being a conductor and how every part of your body can feel your feelings, and how it can be felt from 5 ft away from you – and it’s SO true!

    My fiance will say things to me when we’re sitting next to each other like, “I can feel how stressed-out you are, what’s going on?” or “I can feel that you really like this/are happy/are upset, etc.” even when I HAVEN’T SAID ANY FEELING MESSAGES to him AT ALL.

    I’m always shocked when I hear him say that to me b/c I’ll be like, “How did you KNOW?! I was just feeling that right now.” It’s so fast how quickly he can feel what I feel! All I did was drop into my body and feel my heart, and it’s when I do this he’ll tell me (and apparently the feelings he can feel are pretty strong).

    I’ve been a long-time follower of Rori’s (since 2006 when I broke-up with my ex before I met my current Fiance) but it was only around 2009-2010 her programs around feeling messages, circular dating, and high degree of difficulty really clicked for me. At the point where I am now, my FI (“Fiance”) not only understands what I say to him, but he’s starting to really feel and see what I also feel and see when I talk to him.

    I still use feeling messages to him, but these days my communication with him has gotten “simpler” and I find I don’t have to always say “I feel….” in every other sentence because he “feels my heart” when I say something to him.

    It sounds a little cheesy I know, but I don’t know a better way to state it. I’d be very interested to hear from other women who’ve been through Rori’s programs for awhile, how their use of the tools have evolved, changed, and grown over time as they’ve mastered it. Please do share!

    I didn’t mean to make this so long, but “IamHis” comment about how people around us can feel our hearts rang a bell with me. As I said, communication with my FI has grown deeper, simpler, easier, and also more FUN & connected now that he really feels my heart & feelings when I speak to him.

    I do have to say though, when I’m anxious, angry, and generally drained/low energy, not feeling good, etc. I tend to go into my head and am disconnected from my body/feelings (my normal response when I don’t feel good).

    So in this state (when I’m in my head and not connected to my heart & body), if I try to communicate with my FI it’s like banging my head against a brick wall! He’ll tend to “forget” more often (not purposely) what I tell him, not as responsive when I talk to him, and I feel frustrated and like he’s the “typical male” whose a horrible listener and doesn’t “get me” at all!

    But I’ve definitely learned instead of lashing out at him for being insensitive and being an a$$ when I need him to listen, if I take a self time-out and get back into my heart/body and take a few min. to check-in to see what’s going on with me first, and when I try to communicate again, but this time being connected with my heart, it’s like the clouds get lifted and communicating with my FI becomes SO much more connected and I experience ease.

    For anybody whose stressed about what exact “words” or “phrases” to say to a man (esp for feeling messages), I say stop stressing! I think someone else mentioned this before, but what what you actually say to a man doesn’t matter as much as what’s going on inside your heart.

    Just the same way we can tell someone is feeling really insecure/upset/happy/not happy but they say otherwise and try to act differently (hence the term “he/she is being fake”), I’ve found out that men are reaaalllllyy sensitive to women they are romantically interested in, in this way.

    So to all the beautiful Sirens out there, here’s to staying connected to our hearts, bodies, and lovely/not so lovely feelings! Thanks for letting me share ”

    From Rori – Lois – Thank you so much for this….

  369.  #369Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:55 am

    “have been on the back foot since that comment” – suggests to me that your heart is closed and that walls have been built up internally. Also reading your comments and the responses, Kath it seems to me that others on here don’t have a full picture of the issues. Maybe because you not being fully clear and am wondering if it is a mirror to help you open up. We all have blind spots that evade our awareness.

  370.  #370Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 9:57 am


    For now, I want to jump straight to Moment #15: How Do I Get Him Back?

    How Do I Get Him Back? (The 5 Requirements)
    Maybe you’re in a relationship that has hit a snag. Or maybe one of you decided to end things. And maybe you’re wondering if it’s possible to save things.

    It IS – if you both agree to certain terms. I call these the “5 Requirements”:

    You must forgive or move past all past wrongs.
    This might seem like common sense, but one thing is saying that you forgive, and another is actually LIVING this in the relationship – day to day. If either one of you hold onto resentment and makes the other person feel wrong about what happened – even in subtle ways – the relationship can’t move into deeper levels of intimacy.

    He must be open and honest and listen to what HE did that didn’t work for you.
    AND you must address that as an ongoing PROCESS in your relationship.

    By a process, I mean this is something you continuously work on TOGETHER.

    YOU must commit to being open and honest and listening to the things YOU did that didn’t work in the relationship for him
    …and you must address that as a process in your relationship.

    You must make an agreement for complete honesty from here forward
    …with no withholding for fear of hurting one another.

    Getting back together in a relationship that wasn’t working HAS to be more about creating a fulfilling life for each other and yourself than it has to be about FIXING the relationship.
    When you focus on creating a fulfilling life together – rather than being in “fixing” mode – the relationship becomes healthier.

  371.  #371Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Purple – 326 – If this has been a regular thing for some time, I wouldn’t say assume he’s coming, for assumptions can get you into trouble. I would use the word plan for his coming. I realize this might seem like semantics, yet this word change does change your energy/vibe.

    And if he doesn’t show, we can deal with this when and if it arises, i.e. a heart-to-heart.


  372.  #372Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 10:05 am

    I prefer plan, too. I did not feel comfortable with assume but use it for lack of a better term.

  373.  #373Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 10:12 am

    My mom (yes my mom is an incredibly wise woman) gave me a suggestion last night for a girlfriend who has several times stood me up for breakfast or coffee dates. It really was horrifically inconsiderate treatment, yet I didn’t know how to handle it, so I just distanced myself from her.

    My mom said that what she would do is, the next time she stood me up to send a text message to her saying “oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry, you must be waiting at the restaurant. I completely forgot. I am so sorry, maybe another time.” It’s inauthentic, but it sends the message loud and clear, you are not that important.

    Now, I couldn’t spend my life being inauthentic and I think I’d eventually end up distancing myself from someone who required me to be that way, but it was a revelation to me that there is another way to treat people who don’t consider or respect you, that sends the message that it is not ok in a drama-free way…

  374.  #374prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 10:14 am

    FW and Dominique – Absolutely agree. Thanks you. I will PLAN on it 🙂

  375.  #375prplpsn28 on April 29, 2013 at 10:15 am

    *thank you* oops lol

  376.  #376Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 10:19 am

  377.  #377Daria on April 29, 2013 at 10:40 am

    so excited! my EMF protecting pendant (that i believe will really work) is in the mail to come in today…

    and with exercise and eating and avoiding getting too much EMF (no phones allowed on in the car)

    i’m feeling stronger and writing this and answering my messages from men online (how i miss this blog and online dating)

  378.  #378Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Femininewoman – 359 – You can use plan, intend, anticipate, all good go tos to be used instead of assume.


  379.  #379smile on April 29, 2013 at 11:22 am

    I’ve changed all my passwords to positive words. So when I enter them daily for different account logins I have a positive focus.

  380.  #380smile on April 29, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I still visualise a lot of things I want to create in my life. My life and dream world are merging 🙂

  381.  #381Kath on April 29, 2013 at 11:32 am

    #344, #345 and #355,

    Thank you Ladies- you’re right- I was focussed on me being right and him being wrong. And I probably haven’t given the full picture so here goes. In December he sent a text to his estranged wife (they’ve been split up for 7yrs) asking her whether she was going to a party that we were both going to. She told me about the text when I saw her and was surprised when he’d ended the long text,telling her what bands were going to be there etc etc wiht three kisses (something which is apparently only reserved for people hw really loves). Then when I asked him why he;d sent her the text he said it was something that they used to go to together. (still didn;t make any sense to me). The second thing is that he told me over xmas that he’d organised to go to see one of his grandchildren with his estranged wife to take presents. I asked him why they had to go together when he normally couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her. We ended up having an argument. He also talks about her and the family and what they did when they were together etc etc- its daily Ladies not just regular. Then after Xmas she came round to the house to deliver xmas presents (one for me!) but he didn’t tell me about for two whole days even though they ended up having a huge argument over money and the house. Then in February he offered a female friend (whom he used to be close to-drinking buddies) a lift in the car with us to a party 4hrs away at his Sister;s house and coulndn’t understand why I wasn’t happy with it- I don’t like the woman in question, don’t trust her and think she’s a parasite-but she acts all weak around him so he feels good about helping her out so much!- That;s why I started feeling that he still had unresolved feelings for his wife and for the friend and that his feelings for me were not what they used to be. Coupled with him telling me that he doesn’t feel he can be himself around me sometimes- that;s why I started feeling insecure. I need to back off and get a back bone don’t I?

  382.  #382Femininewoman on April 29, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I don’t like the woman in question, don’t trust her and think she’s a parasite – OOOooppss! 🙁 very judgemental and running someone down with your words and energy.

    Your feelings are all valid but badmouthing women he has a past with will not endear him to you.

    “Then when I asked him why” is focussing on his behavior which could cause him to feel smothered like he has no freedom. Some men think of this as the “ball and chain” woman.

    “its daily Ladies not just regular” – this kind of thing triggers jealousy in me and makes me feel turned off or riled up. I have committed to let me know that I want to feel special and not date men who talks about other women. I have walked away from a guy who did this even though he was talking about marriage. I would be clear that I don’t want to regularly hear about other women because it feels disrespectful to me and makes me feel small as an ant.

  383.  #383Elsie on April 29, 2013 at 11:55 am

    @340 – Feminine Woman – Yes. You are right. I need to be able to ask for help. I am not using it as an excuse for him to come over because I told him anytime in the next month would be fine – and frankly, I certainly hope and plan on seeing him at some point before then LOL!!! I am thinking now of doing as much of it as I can before he gets there so that he can see that I really am only asking for what I can need help with.

    I told him today that when I was cleaning out my garage this weekend, I thought of him, and thought this would be much more fun if he were there with me, and it feels nice to know that when things are different and life is different that he would be there helping me. I told him just the thought of that felt good and he smiled and laughed and winked and said – yah, I might help you for an hour at least. 🙂 LOL.

    anyway – we just had a nice conversation and of course, he is nice, but for some reason, sometimes I feel like the attraction/chemistry is just not there for a few days…..maybe he just gets into his waffle square – I dont know. But I have it ALL THE TIME so I totally dont get that – but I wish I would get a wink, etc.

    @INDIGO – Yes. Thank you for comment at 346. I am VERY HARD ON MYSELF. Totally true. I have not had anyone care about what I felt for a very long time, so I sort of assume (there is that word again) that no one will. No one will help me really because they want to – they just will feel obligated, etc. Its hard. Its a hard road for me.

    I LOVED your visual of negative voices. Ironically I was reading that and started just smiling to myself because I could totally picture those negative voices jumping up and down needing attention, and it was right then that he came over next to me. LOL – how funny right?

  384.  #384Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 11:58 am


    I hope you didn’t misunderstand my post. When I asked you if you knew why you were angry, I meant really, do you know what is at the root of your anger? I didn’t mean to imply that I thought you were making yourself right and him wrong.

    See, it seems to me that I, and many women in fact, would be uncomfortable in those circumstances.

    One thing I said to D which worked extremely well (he had mentioned her 4 times in as many days) is I said “I don’t mean to blame you for talking about her. I just can’t stand the thought that you used to belong to someone else.” He smiled, put his arm around me, and never ever mentioned her again.

    I know this may not be what other sirens would suggest, but I think you might want to pay attention to those angry feelings of yours, instead of asking yourself to change, ask yourself if this situation is working for you.

  385.  #385smile on April 29, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    The Madly In Love With ME Factors

    Factor #1: I know who I am and what I want from this life.

    This is the first factor to loving yourself, because if you don’t know who you are, how can you love that person? Most of us go through life doing what we think we are supposed to do and be, influenced by the society in which we grew up.

    These experiences and people form our beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions, until the day we realize that how we really feel and think is different than everyone around us. While you will continue to learn about yourself forever, self-love requires that

    a. You make a choice to continue to learn about you everyday,
    b. You know and can articulate at least these four things about yourself: your dreams, gifts, values and beliefs.
    c. You know who you are NOT, as well as who you are.

    Factor #2: I love my cellulite.

    Look it’s there, and no matter how much cream you lather on your legs, you’re still going to have cellulite.

    It’s part of you, and you can either love it or hate it. When I was hating my cellulite, it grew and got more noticeable. Every time I sat down wearing shorts it screamed at me, “Here I am! Look at me!”

    After being tortured by it for years, I did a practice of loving my cellulite. Every day, I told it, “I love you.” I meditated daily, visualizing my cellulite pockets being filled up with love. And today, I can’t tell you if I have any less of it, but I do know that I very rarely notice it. And when I do, while I may still not like my cellulite, I can love it. Its appearance now motivates me0 to walk a little more and get more exercise, instead of hating my body for having it.

    Factor #3: All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live the life I want, or I don’t have them.

    This can be one of the hardest milestones, because it means putting a big stake in the ground for yourself. It requires honoring yourself SO much that you only have relationships in your life – friendships, romantic partners, even relatives – that give respect, trust, unconditional love and truth.

    You love and honor yourself so deeply that all relationships in your life make your life better, help you reach your dreams and be a better you. This doesn’t mean that the relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect you desire. What it does require is that you choose me before we in every relationship… let go of ones that don’t serve you, change ones that have the potential to grow, and open up to let new ones come in.

    Factor #4: I can and do take care of me without the guilt or burden.

    It’s like women have a DNA pattern that says take care of everyone else before you take care of you, and if we try to buck that pattern by actually taking care of ourselves, we can’t help but feel guilty or like we should be doing something more productive.

    This self-love milestone means being able to say, “Yes… I take care of myself first, before work, family and responsibilities… I take care of me without feeling guilty or like I should be doing something else… I can meditate, relax, or take a walk and see it as productive time vs wasting time. I take days (not just one day) for ME without being prodded by my friends or partner, and I don’t feel one ounce of guilt about it.

    Love is a practice.
    Start by practicing on you.
    Which factor will your 40-day practice focus on?

  386.  #386smile on April 29, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I’m loving myself inside and out!

  387.  #387Kath on April 29, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    #370 Indigo,

    I hear you, I get very insecure about things like that because I have been cheated on before and I didn’t pick up the signs even though afterwards, when I felt like a fool because I hadn’t, they were so obvious. I did say this to my guy and he saidhe understood- his wife cheated on him and left him for another man after 25 yrs of marriage. Trouble is I don’t think he’s really over her. My feelinsg are also wrapped in the fact that I now feel trapped- not in control of what I’ve put myself in and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel financially- I feel as though I’ve put everything I have into this and its not working for me. We have talked a lot since I lost it again and things have been better over the past week but I have worried about his distance-but I know that takes time to heal and I have to heal me. I have been too judgemental, and I have been very hard on people- and now he thinks I’m a real bitch-which has turned him off. But I don’tunderstand why he has to have other women around him hanging on his every word- He says he’s weak emotionally and I exploit that. I don’t see him as emotionally weak- quite the opposite in fact- I see him as emotionally unavailable sometimes and that is a concern to me. But I know that pushing him to be open with me will only make matters worse so I’ve backed off. Thank you Ladies for helping to see where I’m going wrong- you’re all wonderful xx

  388.  #388smile on April 29, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Drinking hot water and lemon instead of a glass of wine.
    I love these little ways I take care of myself 🙂

  389.  #389Kath on April 29, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    #370 Indigo,

    I hear you- I have responded but my post needs moderating!- I have been an awful person- very down on him and his actions and behaviours because I don’t feel he has respected me or my feelings- but he doesn’t understand. He says I’ve forced him to unfacebook all the women he was intimate with- which isn’t the case at all- I was concerned when he was still texting and calling a woman he split up with 3yrs ago and calls her “psycho”. That didn’t feel comfortable to me at all- I don’t know, this could all have got completely out of hand- but you’re right, I am finding out about me and what sits with me and what doesn;’t and I think I;’ve done my usual thing of not saying anything at the time when I should have done and letting things fester until I have to let them out and its come out in a bad way.

  390.  #390Mercedes on April 29, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Smile: 372. 🙂 This is something that has come up for me three days in a row now. Saturday night, J and I were discussing my own body image and what I need to feel better about that. He was surprised I was having these feelings and completely supportive of how I look as well as any changes I want to work toward. Sunday morning I was reading a book on Kindalini yoga and body image and self love were mentioned in the section referring to the heart chakra (which a few months ago I had a massage therapist tell me was blocked). Now today, you are putting a post out here dealing with the same thing with regard to loving my cellulite (body image) and overall self love.

    I wonder how many times I’m going to have to hear it before I return to that as a part of my meditation and really begin to focus and heal in that area.

    My brain tells me that not much has changed over the years and that J still finds me very attractive. J’s words and actions tell me the same thing. The mirror doesn’t seem to give me those same results though and it makes me wonder how he possibly could still find me attractive with the differences in my body since we first met.


    I know that’s all silly. I know what J loves about me and I know how he looks at me and how much he wants me. I can’t even put this on him. This is my own self image and I know I need to correct that (either with positive, healthy changes in my body or a positive love of it just the way it is…or a combination of the two)

    I do appreciate you posting that here though. I think it was meant for me.

    Much Love,

  391.  #391Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    smile 371

    Thank you SO much for posting that.

    As I was reading that, I was thinking how deeply I have loved others in my past – deeply honouring and adoring them in my spirit, how I wish to keep them safe, how I want them to be happy, with unshakeable loyalty. I can easily recall how it feels to love like that, and it feels good.

    And I thought, what if I turned this same love on myself? Oh my goodness, what would THAT feel like? To adore and honour myself like that? What kind of life might be possible if I did?

  392.  #392Indigo on April 29, 2013 at 12:58 pm


    I think it’s very important to own your stuff and apologise, and work on changing if you’ve behaved badly.

    But before you do that, I would really look at this situation with him contacting other women and not being totally upfront about it, in the cold light of day, and get a clear reading of where you stand with a man who does that.

    *hugs to you*

  393.  #393Katarina Phang on April 29, 2013 at 1:41 pm

  394.  #394Tereana on April 29, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Zia – 152: totally with you on that. How annoying.


  395.  #395Luzydel on April 29, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Put my Cell phone in a drawer and I am not going to look at it… Not until I go to bed to set up the alarm.
    I can accept someone is gone, but still wonder if they called me or text me…Ugh it is so distracting form myself and it doesn’t feel good.

  396.  #396Lisa on April 29, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    My time alone has taken me to a new level of getting to know my feelings about “M”. I’m away from my daily mom stuff and work stuff and so my thoughts have been more focused on how I feel about him and if he is right for me. ThoughI had “known” he was earlier in relationship. The before “I love you” is different than the after “I love you” man. Seems he has not met up to what he said he was now that he thinks he has me… or that since “I love him”.

    I sense that he has this thing about “wanting to be first” he sometimes tends to loose sight of my feelings ( not sure if that is a Male thing or just him being in several relationships where the women were emotionally unavailable and he felt like he lost himself or if it is just that he is going to be a man that is self centered. ) I’m trying to find that answer.

    He plans this (first weekend) together but says ‘It will be at my house first b/c the bed is bigger and that is better” what he means it is better for him. I guess I was silly thinking he might have a romantic thing planned. But really this is the way he is… he thinks of what is best for him first ( not always, but majority ) and sometimes like in the bedroom it’s all about “me ” first”. He has this “tit for tat” thing in the beginning until I called him on it… but still sometimes carries this “what’s in it for me” energy. So, I’m wondering since we are to allow the Man to take control of the Oars and we are to let go of the Oars…. does that mean allowing him to not take our feelings into the matter? Or did I just give him his way, b/c I was tired of waiting on the weekend sleepover… and made it easy on him. I feel I made it easy on him ( b/c I’m a “you first ” woman Rori talks about)… just b/c I know he has been struggling with the sleepover emotionally.

    I’m curious to the input you all have on the balance between giving them their way… and allowing them to take the Oars and row the boat. So now that I have agreed to it… ( not thinking it through) I don’t know how to tell him I’m feeling sad and confused about it… without making a suggestion.. and picking up the Oars again. I’d rather it be at a hotel or B & B.

  397.  #397angela on April 29, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I am unsure about posting and yet I will anyway.
    I was feeling secure doing my thing until he started coming around showing interests and I panicked.
    I panicked and I am in a state of anxiety fear and sadness.
    I believe I am scared of his attention, I can almost feel his sexual feelings for me and they terrify me.
    Although I said many times to myself I want a loving relationship I am not sure that is what I want.
    I feel sorry for myself like who will love me. I have never really experienced unconditional love.
    I am afraid and I am trying to sink into it.
    But I am afraid my darkness will push him and everyone else away.
    How can I want love when I don’t feel like a good enough human being let alone woman?
    Oh am I terrified.
    I want to love someone and be loved and I can’t even begin picturing it.

  398.  #398Zia on April 29, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    379: Luzydel I find myself doing the same thing

  399.  #399Lisa on April 29, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    @ Kath #317

    Sounds like your in charge of you and doing what you need to do…. YAY!

    Go Girl! <3

  400.  #400Lisa on April 29, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    @angela #381

    Loved that post…. <3

  401.  #401Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Mercedes – 376 – This is not the article I was looking for, sigh, yet it applies well enough..

    You know this, yet I will remind you, if your man loves you, no matter how your body changes over time, as long as YOU LOVE YOU, take care of YOU, it doesn’t matter whether you gain or lose weight, have cellulite, sag down to the floor, he will only see the woman he love, and that woman is YOU.


  402.  #402Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Lisa -381 – I wonder about this man, yet I don’t know enough to say more about him in general. In specific, here, this weekend planned, there were things you might have said, yet you didn’t. And it’s OKAY.

    So go on this weekend thing with him to his house, and remain open, be curious. allow yourself to enjoy. BE in the moment. Love and appreciate each and every moment. When he does something which feels good SAY so, MELT. Love and revel in it. The rest for now let it go.

    And maybe at weekend’s end, tell him how lovely this weekend felt, that you enjoyed it so much. And then tell him you have an idea for next time and may you make a suggestion. Then tell him you been fantasizing about a weekend away, how good that would feel, how romantic, and what does he think.

    Sound good? Sound doable?


  403.  #403Dominique on April 29, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    angela – 382 – How about trying this. Letting all of those thoughts go, those gremlin voices which LIE every time, and try just BEING, in each an every moment with him When the anxiety and fear arises, recognize it for what it is, thank it for trying to protect you, and tell it thank you yet no thank you, and then relegate it to some distant recess of your psyche. Put those gremlins to bed. Drug them if you must. Do this over and over again, each time the fear comes up.

    You don’t have to know anything about him or the future with him. Not right now. You only have now anyway.


  404.  #404BeLoved on April 29, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I feel elated!! I found an outlet for my “go-for-the-jugular” and competitive energy.
    I started playing dominoes online and I’m even meaner and keener than when I play in person with the guys. I’ve been playing against highly ranked players and kicking a$$$$$$$$!!!
    I also bought a book on pool (billiards) strategies to brush up.
    Not the classiest aspirations, but I grew up in an icehouse in backwoods Texas with nothing to do but play trivia and shoot pool while my dad drank and I used to beat adults then…. 😀

    I seem to have a killer instinct and a talent for spotting a weakness and going in for the kill….not a great gift in relationship, but an excellent gift in a game where nobody gets hurt.

    I also don’t feel the least bit bothered if I lose, I just start over again with the same feelings of enthusiasm.