The Best Advice I’ve Ever Heard From A Man

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I get Mike Fiore’s newsletters because I think his Text The Romance Back is awesome, and nearly everything he writes or does is pretty spot-on. And I LOVED this letter because of what he says about “The One.”

I’m only able to reprint a big piece of the letter here because my webmaster friend Steve Warwick has an affiliate deal with him at, so I’m going to include his affiliate link in case you don’t have “Text The Romance Back” yet…

by Michael Fiore

Mellissa asks:

“While sitting and thinking of a question I was forced to realize that I have just been a safe place for my ‘boyfriend’ to be. He never would commit always coming up with an excuse but was always there for me when I needed. He will not make any kind of plans with me, not even dinner next friday–for example. I am always available for him.

WOW! …( and I have the nerve to feel ‘love’ for him?

So I suppose my question really is, how can I come out of denial with grace and dignity?

I have a physical yearning to be with him and I am not a ‘needy’ person–I promise!”


Hi Melissa,

Thanks for your question and congratulations.

Why am I congratulating you?

Because you woke up to a dark and dismal reality and it looks like you’re facing it head on and without blaming yourself.

Which is rare and wonderful and awesome and you deserve to be celebrated for it.

You’re awesome.

Now to answer your question:

In a lot of my programs I talk about how “Love is a choice.”

After the chemical craziness of new love wears off you wake up everyday and DECIDE to be in love with that man or woman next to you.

But you can also choose NOT to be in love with someone.

You can’t choose not to be ATTRACTED to them (at least not at first) but you can choose not to be a VICTIM of that attraction.

To know that this man is bad for you no matter how much you crave his smell . . his hands . . his skin.

What I recommend is you get a few of your best friends to be your support group. (They probably hate this guy anyway).

Lose his cell phone number.

Lose his email.

Unfriend him on Facebook.

Tell them you’re done, that you have more self respect than to be with a guy like that.

And stick to it.

And forgive yourself for falling for him. It happens.

We’re biological creatures and our biology can draw us to people who don’t deserve it.

And finally, Tabitha asks . . .

“How do I find THE ONE?”

You don’t.

“The One” isn’t something you find, it’s something you create.

There’s hundreds (thousands, maybe) of men you could be ecstatic with in this world.

The key is to find a great guy and build a relationship with him that deepens over time.

Do it right and you’ll wake up one day to see “the one” right there under your nose.



If you don’t have Mike’s “Text The Romance Back” – go here to look at it:

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Calypso on November 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Hello! Another new post!!!

  2.  #2Calypso on November 13, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    “I can be your rock hard headed fool
    Stubborn as a 2 dollar 4 h mule
    Hard to handle as your grand dad’s tools
    But I could be the one

    I can be as loud as an F-16, I got a river wide redneck streak
    Yeah I can be a full blown S.O.B., but I could be the one

    I could be the one that’s the one for you
    I could be one crazy dream come true
    I could be the arms, I could be the heart
    I could be the love you could fall into
    With somebody like you with me, there ain’t no telling what I could be
    Cause you could be a star you can even be the sun, but I could be the one

    I could be a too much tequila mistake,
    Or I could be your heart’s big lucky break
    Might be a little more than you can take
    But I could be the one
    Find More lyrics at

    I could be the one that’s the one for you
    I could be your one crazy dream come true
    I could be the arms, I could be the heart
    I could be the love you could fall into
    With somebody like you with me, there ain’t no telling what I could be
    Cause you could be a star you can even be the sun, but I could be the one
    Yeah, with somebody like you with me, there ain’t no telling what I could be
    You could be a star you can even be the sun, but I could be the one
    Yeah, you could be a star you can even be the sun, but I could be the one.”

    Glen Templeton ~

    Everything about the man in this song reminds me of GM – everything!

  3.  #3Femininewoman on November 13, 2012 at 7:29 pm


  4.  #4Femininewoman on November 13, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Love is a choice

  5.  #5Tereana on November 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Yes!!!! I love what he had to say about “the One” too!!

  6.  #6Femininewoman on November 13, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    I am feeling soothed and relaxed
    Life feels serene

  7.  #7LoveAlways on November 13, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    I like his approach about the “one”

    It feels right.

  8.  #8Luzydel on November 13, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    omg you got to be kidding me! another relationship expert! lol Im hiding in a cave! and this one does it over text messages; what a joke!

  9.  #9Tereana on November 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    Wow, what a day! I sure made good use oft day off from massage 🙂

    In the a.m. I had a meeting with one of the new CDs. Wow, you should have heard what he had to say to me! Such good stuff. It’s amazing. He’s a man. He definitely knows how to give.

    There are a couple of hitches. He has two kids, from different times in his life (and different moms). Not a deal-breaker. But I wonder – if we had kids – if he would give them 100%, or if he would have to stay focused on his one younger kid, who he’s clearly devoted to. But that’s a good thing, right? I shouldn’t really worry about that.

    The real thing is that I know I still want to travel. And I want a guy who’s willing to go somewhere with me. I don’t know that I should get tangled up in a guy who loves me if he’s tied to this location. He’s been here all his life. Inherited a family house. And his kid is here. We haven’t talked about it, but I think I need to bring it up, because this is important to me.

    Meanwhile, having a good, sweet time with my guy in the city. Things with him feel uncomplicated and non-stressful. He even changed plans on me several times today, and I just rolled with it. The only thing that bothered me was when I tried to call and he said he’d call back but never did. He did respond, though. So I figured it was just some of my “stuff” coming up, and I took a couple of deep breaths and felt better.

    The thing with him is that I still get this vibe from him when I see him of being gay. It’s something in his voice, mainly. I almost want to ask him about it, but it doesn’t seem the right question to ask. Lol. I just don’t want to get too involved if he *is* actually gay. But my gaydar is notoriously inaccurate. So I guess I’ll just go with it. He seems really into it when he’s kissing me and making out. Really lovely, actually. So I guess I can just relax and stop worrying.

    I get to make my own choices and stay open to possibility…yay me!

    It feels good to have so much nice attention : )

  10.  #10Goddess Lily on November 13, 2012 at 9:51 pm


    I hear what you said about your mother in the last post. I feel like my experience with my mother sounds similar. I chose not to go down the same path as her.


  11.  #11Goddess Lily on November 13, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    Who said there TV was out? Calypso? I feel for you. I know how I love my TV certainly as a distraction. It sounds like you’re actually doing quite well without the TV.

  12.  #12Goddess Lily on November 13, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    I can’t afford the tele-class either….for whoever said that one, nor one of the other programs. The smartest thing I can do for myself is not spend ANY unnecessary money for the next two and a half months. I choose to practice restraint in this area because I know it will serve me well. 2.5 months!! Mark my words sirens! I am declaring it publicly to have some accountability.

  13.  #13Goddess Lily on November 13, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    I have two “maybe” dates this week. One with CaliCD but he hasn’t made concrete plans. I don’t know if he thinks he has or if he’s a guy that doesn’t think he needs to or if he’s blowing me off and I just don’t know it yet.

    Randomly, my work ex is “stepping up” sort of….and I think this has everything to do with me sticking to my boundaries and leaning back. He called me before he was leaving town for work and asked me to come over. I do not want this as it seems lazy and his pattern to get me to take action and then I am left feeling used. So I explained to him that I felt sad that I couldn’t see him but I had things to do in the house and I left it at that. No expectations, just what was my truth. He called me the day he got back into town asking what I was doing. I told him I was studying, he asked me to call him when I was done, I did then HE was busy so he said he would call me back but he didn’t. Any other day in my past this would have driven me up the wall. I let it go. Then he asked if we could go get drinks this week! While this may not sound like earth shattering great news, this is the first time in a very long time that he has asked me to do anything outside our homes. But since my plans with CaliCD are unconfirmed, I wasn’t sure what to do. If CaliCD wasn’t coming from across the country he would get shifted to another day for not making concrete plans with me sooner but I feel like that may be a mistake in this case. So I told Work ex that I’m not sure of my plans for this week yet. He said to pencil him in. He could just as quickly flake on me.

    Long story short, two “maybe” dates. And neither may happen.

  14.  #14Goddess Lily on November 13, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Right now, I don’t feel like either of them deserve my energy. I feel like focusing on figuring out how to help my friend who seems to be going through it right now. If the dates happen, great. If not, I have a batter purpose.

  15.  #15Daria on November 13, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    I love me

    I love my confusion

    I love my fear

  16.  #16Happy on November 13, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    “How do I find THE ONE?”

    You don’t.

    I love this! This has given me feel new found hope!

    “The One” isn’t something you find, it’s something you create.

    There’s hundreds (thousands, maybe) of men you could be ecstatic with in this world.

    The key is to find a great guy and build a relationship with him that deepens over time.

    Do it right and you’ll wake up one day to see “the one” right there under your nose.

  17.  #17Megan on November 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Mercedes, Dominique, and anyone else who followed,

    I texted old boy one last time, after no response from my “I feel confused” text.

    I was thinking about our last encounter and how I said no sex to him but then got hot n heavy in the whirlpool- and I’m accusing him of mixed signals?

    So, I sent him this:
    Hey, sry didn’t wanna leave on a neg note…thought I wanted something casual but realize now that I can’t do just sex…sry for the confusion, glad we met 🙂

    No response.

    it’s a serious mind f*ck bc this guy is SO nice. but I don’t mean candy coated nice, he just seems like a good person. it’s just hard to wrap my head around, that you can be one way and then just ignore someone. how hard is it to send a thanks or smiley??
    it’s not like he has to wry about me harassing him from here on out, he knows i’m leaving.
    I just don’t get it. it was such a nice, normal text.

  18.  #18Indigo on November 13, 2012 at 11:46 pm


    I feel like I’ve fallen off my horse. Or at least I’m hanging on, clinging to the girth and stirrups. Last night, my ex and I were meant to be watching catch up episodes of a favourite show. I had already made the decision that if I felt bad at any point I would leave. Anyway, he seemed low energy, a bit cool and a bit irritable. He put his arm around me on the couch but it then it seemed half-hearted. I moved away and he just crossed his arms. I told him it felt cold and he said “you moved away”. Anyway after a couple of minutes of the crossed arms I said, I’m sorry I’m going to go, I’m sorry this feels cold to me. Which it did.

    Anyway, he walked me out and I said it would feel good to get a proper kiss so he gave me one. I felt all jumbled up driving home, I’d been so looking forward to it and I feel all tumbled up today. I skyped him last night and said I’d felt a bit devastated and he said he thought I’d been a bit harsh. I’m glad I left, it feels like it was the right thing to do but I feel all tumbled up today.

  19.  #19Indigo on November 13, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    There are a couple of lovely guys who want to connect with me today, but I just don’t feel like it.

    Oh, on another note. I just want to say how wonderful this blog is. How great it feels to have a community of women who are gentle and safe. I used to love EMK’s blog but I have found it unbearably harsh of late (I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that here…). I have become a total convert to Rori’s way.

    I can’t wait till I can afford to buy more of her programs 😉

  20.  #20Tereana on November 13, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    Aw, indigo! I love your tumbled up feelings. I love how you made a decision to leave if you didn’t feel good, and you followed through on that. I feel impressed at how well you used feeling messages.

    I don’t know if you are on your horse or not. But it looks to me like you are on the right path! 🙂

  21.  #21Tereana on November 14, 2012 at 12:00 am

    I feel like I am getting a “like” feeling about this guy. It’s been the second time I’ve seen him this week. He hasn’t been super “manly” to me or anything. But maybe that’s not what I need.

    The guy from the morning had a lot of awesome stuff to say to me. But maybe that was the only gift I needed to receive.

    I kept looking at his eyes – the pupils were so small!! They were seriously the smallest pupils I’ve ever seen. Then tonight, the cute one’s pupils were much bigger.

    I kept thinking about some research I read recently that shows that women who are ovulating prefer men with larger pupils – it’s a sign of youth and vitality, I guess. And guess what? I ovulated two days ago! Lol

  22.  #22Indigo on November 14, 2012 at 12:15 am

    Thank you Tereana, that brought a smile to me 🙂

    I feel encouraged 🙂

  23.  #23Annie on November 14, 2012 at 2:06 am

    No surprises there then another bites the dust and does a Harry Houdini when they realize I am not doing casual sex.

    Grrrrr, this feels difficult. I am beginning to think by the time the right man for me comes along I will be so old that I will not want sex anymore due to menopause. FFS sometimes reality sucks!!!!!

  24.  #24Jenny on November 14, 2012 at 3:05 am

    I like micheal fiore writtings; he is spot on, direct and honest – and easy to understand.

    23 @ Annie:

    Well then you know, its better they go poof so earlly then after.

  25.  #25Tam on November 14, 2012 at 4:50 am

    ..oooh, there is me thinking I shooed everybody away as nobody posted after my post and I realise there is a new thread!! hehe….

    Annie, don’t give up, those guys who do a Houdini are not right and there are those that don’t.
    And there are plenty of those that don’t just want casual sex, I do hear it from my male friends all the time, how they are bored with it….
    It’s one of those boundaries that instils respect in the right man and he won’t let go…and he will turn up. Oh Jeez, I say that with confidence yet I have no idea if that’s true for me 😉 sigh.

  26.  #26Tam on November 14, 2012 at 4:51 am

    I feel fearful of getting stood up yet I am sick, so it would suit me’s just the ‘getting stood up’ thing that is so demoralising…

  27.  #27Vi on November 14, 2012 at 5:09 am


  28.  #28Vi on November 14, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Yes!! Yes! I just stood there relaxed and said ‘ouch’! and looked into the eyes. I didn’t ‘punch’ back, didn’t stuff it down, didn’t ignore it! I feel so spared and good about myself! I feel it in my chest and shoulders. And face muscles feel also relaxed. mmm.. I will remember how good it feels…

  29.  #29Dominique on November 14, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Megan – 17 – I don’t know why he’s not responding, and it’s not for us to try to get into his head and figure out why about any of his actions anyway

    Men don’t usually operate like we do when it comes to communication. And they don’t usually look for closure which is what you are looking for here.

    Can you feel okay with letting this go now?


  30.  #30Dominique on November 14, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Annie – 23 – Menopause does not necessarily take away the desire for and the ability to have sex and enjoy every moment of it, orgasms and all. Menopause does not mean drying up in any way.


  31.  #31Tam on November 14, 2012 at 5:50 am

    Oh here we go… 🙁

  32.  #32Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Sorry Tam.

  33.  #33Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 6:08 am

    #30 Dominique

    I totally agree here, just because you are menopausal doesn’t mean it’s all over!!

    All of my gf’s (I am 59) are around my age and still enjoy sex as much as ever, I know I would too if I could only get some. 😀

  34.  #34Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 6:09 am

    I was going to respond to the menopause comment but I decided to let it be. I feel amazed at how we create beliefs about things we have not yet experienced based on others comments/experience. It reminds me to be curious and open to each moment and to life.

  35.  #35Linda on November 14, 2012 at 6:11 am

    From the last post: 121,128

    Happy, thank you for what you wrote!!. Reading it was like an arrow of truth, that was shot in and it instantly burst the concern fog my head and heart felt overwhelmed with.

    sending you a hug

    I had one of the Cd’s at my home, we were talking, my phone lit up with a call from another one of my CD’s and then 10 minutes later, the third one called. I kinda feel amuzed. I am not this way at all… it feels a bit flippent to say this… but ” so many men, so little time” come to mind for just a second! LOL

  36.  #36Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 6:13 am

    When you visualize it is important to be clear about what you want. Take time each day to imagine what finding Mr. Right would feel like, what it would be like to be with him. If you keep the vision strong and consistent, experiences will start showing up in your life to support the outcome you desire.

    Visualizing isn’t a new idea but it is hard for most of us because we’re too busy, too lazy, or we just don’t believe it can work. I encourage you to visualize the desired outcome of finding Mr. Right for 30 days. The extra benefits of taking the time to do this will show up as new experiences in your life and you’ll begin to feel better about your future.

  37.  #37Mercedes on November 14, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Megan – I agree with Dominique 100%. I’d also like to add that men don’t generally do things on our timeline. He may not be ignoring you at all…he maybe just hasn’t responded yet. I agree…this is best if you can let it go and if he does respond, return the text in a warm and open way.

    Much Love,

  38.  #38Linda on November 14, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Ladies.. I am here to tell you that my sexuality and desire has not wained one little bit living post Menopausal. It is a part of life… and the things you read and fear are only things you read and fear. The thing I am finding that men are the ones that slow waaaay down. – JUst sayin!

  39.  #39Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 6:15 am

    I began to say, “Good morning beautiful!” to myself as looked in the mirror each day. I had to stop judging my puffy eyes and really see the beauty there. To this day, saying those words to myself in the morning actually makes me smile in spite of myself.

    So just like any change you want to make in your life, falling in love with yourself takes effort. It means leaving your comfort zone of self-talk putdowns and criticism. It means paying attention and pushing yourself every day to be better and do better.

  40.  #40Mercedes on November 14, 2012 at 6:37 am

    FW: ” I had to stop judging my puffy eyes and really see the beauty there. ” – Me too…I need to stop doing this. Right now, I hate the morning puff around my eyes. I think I’m going to try your idea here. 🙂

    Much Love,

  41.  #41Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 6:40 am

    #122 FW – previous blog

    Thank you for your little sample “lean forward” on POF, very cute. 🙂 Sorry but I am all over the place with the blogs this past few days and I missed your post.

  42.  #42Linda on November 14, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Good Morning Beautiful… to all the sirens here!

    (I just got a text from a CD saying that just said that) !

  43.  #43Annie on November 14, 2012 at 7:08 am

    TY everyone re menopause. If it’s men that lose desire, does that mean I need a couple of toy boys then to match my sex drive? 😉 just joking. Although what am I supposed to base my belief on other that the research that is available?
    Just feel frustrated that I want to share my love sexually in a loving committed relationship with the right man for me and it all seems like a fantasy and he doesn’t bloody exist. So is it a case of make do after all grrrrr!

    Am I also not supposed to believe that more problems occur trying to get pregnant after a certain age?
    Ocyitocin is a bonding hormone?

    It feels difficult not to base beliefs on available research.


  44.  #44Annie on November 14, 2012 at 7:09 am

    What’s up Tam?


  45.  #45Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 7:12 am

    “Am I also not supposed to believe that more problems occur trying to get pregnant after a certain age?”

    What problems? There are people out there who are surrogate mothers or have given birth after the “right” age. Each “body” is different and people make their decisions based on personal choices regardless of what research and stats state.

  46.  #46T-Girl on November 14, 2012 at 7:17 am

    I like Mike Fiore’s emails too as they help me me understand the male mind.

  47.  #47Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Hi, Larry here with something out of the ordinary…

    Sometimes we hold on to beliefs of what we think are normal or true, not giving second thought to the mysterious world we live in…

    Every now and then an event happens that we just can’t explain, like thinking about someone and having the phone ring with that person on the line.

    Today I have an invitation to a webcast with someone that creates experience that some would call impossible. It’s called the Trivedi Effect and it’s been scrutenized by science with astonishing results.

  48.  #48Annie on November 14, 2012 at 8:26 am

    FW re 45 True for some women not so for most. These are the problems the majority of women face. By the age of 40 only two in five of those who wish to have a baby will be able to do so.
    And there is higher chance of abnormalities.

    Or am I not supposed to believe that?
    Aren’t you also basing your belief are something you have read about some surrogate mothers?
    Some isn’t the majority so not the most likely outcome surely?

    What do others base their beliefs on?
    So it feels good to hear that not eveyone has a decline in sex drive or dries up after menopause and I would love to be one of those women.

    So what action do I need to take to make that a bigger possibility? 🙂 Dominique anyone else in the know.
    Would feel good to hear.
    I’m all for increasing the odds in my favor.

  49.  #49Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Annie I don’t feel like arguing. I will only say my beliefs are based on choice.

  50.  #50Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Is accepting a date in the same evening taking crumbs? Even if I feel otherwise bored and would like to fill up my evening with some attention from men?

  51.  #51Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Just got this on POF

    H: You look very tasty!
    Me: 🙂
    H: Do you enjoy a skilled tongue?
    Me: I enjoy a skilled tongue used to build communication and a strong foundation between two people

    H: a skilled tongue serves many purposes.

    I felt turned off a bit before but now I feel really turned off and acknowledge that it is because of my uneasiness around discussing sex with strangers and my judgement that is where he is headed. I am going to leave it hanging for a while.

  52.  #52Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Ulii, my humble opinion, it is a date not crumbs.

  53.  #53Starla on November 14, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Fiore’s a fearmonger

  54.  #54Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Hm…yes, it would be a date. But I feel fearful that if I accept it, it might “set a precedence”…that I´m always available and not high difficulty.

    Doesn´t help that he has thrown the question out there online for me, but is not following up reading what I have written (which on this page means he is chatting with others most probably or occupied with other things, but nevertheless, doesn´t seem really interested to see if I will be accepting or not.

  55.  #55JD on November 14, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Ok girls, relaxing does not mean tolerating bad behavior. If a man really likes you he WILL CALL YOU or TEXT BACK. If a man does not do these things take this as a very clear sign of low interest. There are three categories men have 1) friends, 2) girlfriends and women they are serious about and 3) women they use. Most women in the third category have no idea they are there. They think they are in the girlfriend category. Men will make effort to keep you believing this. If you are in category three, there is virtually nothing you can do to get back into 1 or 2. There is no text message in the world that will move you out of this category, and relaxing your attitude about his bad behavior will only make your situation WORSE. Walk away and save your self-esteem. Make it your goal to never get put in this category again. Women with good boundaries and high self-esteem don’t end up in category 3.

  56.  #56Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 9:01 am

    It is strange how I get this competitive urge with the “pretty boys” on the dating sites…. I feel bad they are taking longer time to respond (which I take imediately to mean that they are chattong with lots of women)…so I try to take longer time too.. Like it´s the competition of “who can show less interest” wins..

    Have to keep on mind this “treat them all equally”. 🙂

  57.  #57Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:01 am

    #48 Annie

    I would say keep a young positive attitude and don’t buy into societies beliefs about older women…….

    My mother is 83 and very young at heart, she just came back from a fortnight in Spain and is booked for Majorca in January.

    Age REALLY is just a number.

    Gotta go, I am off to the gym to lift some heavy weights. 😀

  58.  #58Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:03 am

    #55 Uuli

    I am in synch with you on this one………..

  59.  #59Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 9:06 am

    How would you ladies react, if someone asks a question and is not really interested to hear the response. Maybe even signs off before I have the time to answer anything?

  60.  #60MissStix on November 14, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Having a wonderful morning after going to sleep feeling frustrated.

    I felt so frustrated and annoyed at having a sleepy boyfriend. I just lay there and let myself feel, but did not express. I lacked any desire to speak my feeling in that moment. Amazingly, when we woke up this morning he spoke my feelings from last night. He knew exactly what I felt and exactly why. Without even seeing a facial expression he picked up on it. And he said to me “You can say it out loud you know.” and I felt blocked and stubborn and said nothing at all in response to that I just let him shower me with affection and make love to me. And he asked me what position and I didn’t feel any care so I said “up to you” haha I feel giggly writing that right now. And he said “get on your back so I can see you.” and I felt smiley about that and laughed. And then he made a comment about my boobs lol what would he do without them and I said “i’m sure you’d find replacements” hehe more giggles. And he said, in a perfect whiney little boy voice “But I like YOURS!”. Ahhh so I feel good but I also feel annoyed at my block to actually speak my feelings last night and this morning. I feel that urge to “go back in time” and use the opportunity of him picking up on my vibrations to actually say something. Grrr.

  61.  #61Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:14 am

    This morning on POF from a man I am not even interested in:

    HIM: Hi

    ME; Hello

    HIM: Hi, how are you finding it on here?

    Where do you go with this kind of message or do I just not even bother replying? I could use it for the practise.

  62.  #62Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 9:15 am

    @ 51 Femininewoman

    I´d feel turned off too.

    But.. sometimes it seems to me, the judgement could be right…based on the intuition and maybe…it´s a good sign for us not to be wasting our time there?

  63.  #63Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:16 am

    From Katie Hendricks:

    A recently published study by Professor Kelly of the University of Notre Dame “shows that when people managed to reduce their lies in given weeks across a 10-week study, they reported significantly improved physical and mental health in those same weeks.” Their relationships also improved.

    Imagine what they might have found if they focused on honesty and speaking authentically?

  64.  #64Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:17 am

    #51 FW

    I don’t like discussing sex with strangers either. I feel when they talk like “that” from the outset they are not interested in relationships only sex and I am trying to convey that I am interested in a relationship not a one night stand or FWB’s.

    I will be interested to where how you/he go with this.

  65.  #65Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:18 am

    SMB/Ulii I would say I am finding it interesting and feeling drawn in by the different personalities and communication styles. It is helping me to notice my judgements and practice putting it on hold.

  66.  #66Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:19 am

    #53 Starla

    Why makes you feel that?

  67.  #67Tam on November 14, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Well, everbody – Annie and FW. Two things have happened. The usual. MrP calls before 8am saying he’ll come NOW to fix my TV and pick me up tra la la. Point is he knows I have to work and stay online so that didn’t work, so he got very angry on the phone, insinuated I didn’t want to come down at all and as I am always busy, we just do it tomorrow.
    I was feeling shakey. but I expected that.
    Impulsive, angry, feeling rejected…anyway, I kind of turned the situation around with feeling messages and expressing my sadness that this has happened. He was a bit stunned and said ‘wow, you women are a little dramatic, huh?’ – but got a lot softer…in any case he said he’d come in the afternoon and wait at a starbucks until I am done as he is trying to avoid traffic. Well, I am pretty sure he will cancel now but it doesn’t matter as I am not hinged on it and I am sick, yes it feels sad but the othe thing that happened is that
    One of my friends has a son who is the same as him in all ways except relationship stuff, the anger, the procrastination, disorganisation mad projects and a lot of other things I am not going to spread on here. My mouth was wide open as it is like a cloned copy of the man. And this guy has ADHD with mild Aspergers….and as I explained the stuff that I had gone through she just said: OMG, he is exactly like my son…..and this also ties in with one of my friends who is a psychologist and she ‘diagnosed’ this with him about a year ago – but I was sceptical.

    So phew, this takes a bit of pressure off me in the sense that I see now it’s not me, and my interpretation…and that I can only do so much to make him feel safe but that perhaps his strange reactions are to do with that more than with anything else, plus he has always known ‘something is wrong’ with him, but he never quite knows what exactly, he will mention this often.

    Very difficult. Very difficult to stay open and very difficult practice and I might just walk away at some stage, but I am feeling a little better now, just like ‘oh, I always knew and felt this man came from another planet and I was NOT attracted to the strange behaviour’. Phew.

    A relief and also more compassion…but focusing back on myself. I can’t appease his impulsivity as I have a life to lead and he either understands that, or he will feel forever rejected and angry and I can’t help him with that.

  68.  #68Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I feel when they talk like “that” from the outset they are not interested in relationships – I want to notice the “that” and actually engage them so I become comfortable talking about the subject. I also am interested in my limited beliefs around men wanting relationships. I believe this is one of my inner blocks that I am working on tearing down.

  69.  #69Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I believe men desperately want to love that girl who can unlock/melt his heart.

  70.  #70Tam on November 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

    and I feel no need to fix him, which is also a relief because I couldn’t.

  71.  #71Starla on November 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

    SMB, fiore’s marketing materials go straight for the fear-based response

  72.  #72MissStix on November 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

    When feelings feel intense and i’m really letting them be and really focused on feeling it I can feel them physically pulsing, radiating out, crackling on my skin and I do know, others can feel that. And now I know for sure, the man can. And I also know, he’s very good at knowing what and exactly why. And when he knows, he wants me to say it in the moment. He won’t just say “I know what you’re feeling and why.” until way later. After he knows i’m just not going to say it. And I felt urgh-y and I thought “Don’t try to force me to say it!” I felt some resentment and I felt put on the spot a little. And I could have said “Yes, I felf irritated last night, and I feel put on the spot now. Sometimes I don’t want to say it.”

  73.  #73Silver Moonbeam on November 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

    #67/68 FW

    That’s really interesting, thank you.

  74.  #74Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

    very angry on the phone, insinuated I didn’t want to come down at all and as I am always busy,

    Tam I would try to take responsiblity somewhat here. This might be his insecurity and fear of rejection here. He wants to know he can influence you. He has a deep desire to be wanted so the attention could be his drug. Withdrawal from drugs causes a reaction.

    If he said you are always busy, it was blamey but I would use words that I would want to use at a later time if he is the one busy. “I know work is asking a lot of you right now. I miss you but if now is not convenient for you we can get together later”.

    Also being authentic maybe “I’ve got a cold and I feel all soft and gooey and tired and don’t feel much like getting dressed and going out”?

  75.  #75MissStix on November 14, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Oh yeah I know it. I don’t feel annoyed with my block because I really wanted to speak. I feel annoyed because I really didn’t want to speak and he already knew so why put that pressure on me to speak when I don’t want to. And maybe a good expression would be “I feel stubborn and blocked. I didn’t want to say it out loud.”

  76.  #76Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

    he has always known ‘something is wrong’ with him – this could be an inner critic. We all develop an inner programming based on early experiences as kids.

    oh, I always knew and felt this man came from another planet and I was NOT attracted to the strange behaviour’ – this kinda sounds a bit like the stereotypical way many women think about men however I would explore what this says about me.

  77.  #77Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Tam rereading your comments I remember some writing from Rori that suggests we get a kinda powerful feeling being with someone that we can’t have or being kinda preposterous that we might be able to change a difficult man. I see myself reflected in that being with a difficult man believing my love could change him in some way.

    This is so eye opening for me. Thank you.

  78.  #78Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

    @ 68 FW

    That sounds really beautiful. It is quite easy to believe actually.

  79.  #79Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

    This feels so good to read:_

    -Women’s bodies are built to relish the
    “feminine” side of life and until that
    need is met, it’s easy to rely on food to
    fill the hole (and what diet book speaks
    to THAT?!)

    -Many women use food to give ourselves
    things like relaxation, innocent delight,
    and comfort—and that needs to shift in
    order to permanently slim down

    That’s where this woman is coming from.

    And it’s a breath of fresh air, in a diet
    industry that pushes willpower, discipline,
    and self-control.

  80.  #80MissStix on November 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Woah…I just got a slow sizzling vibration from the top of my head down to my toes.

    I can make things happen in my life. The universe is such a beautiful mystery.

  81.  #81Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

    SMB I get the same impression as Starla about Fiore and Alexandra Fox’s emails at times. The last couple from Fox I feel an internal resistance to opening. They tend to start with a negative as if you have to do something immediately or you will lose the man. With Fiore’s I get the message that you had better implement his strategy “or else”. I might be just the particular words that stand out in my mind

  82.  #82Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

    FW thank you, mmmh, I did try to reassure him that I wanted to see him, but it is more complicated than that. And no, I was never attracted to the difficulty, in fact it is not accepting it which has kept me away and made me push him away several times.
    I don’t like difficult men, I like things to feel easy and not being on tenterhooks all the time.
    I do feel compassion, else I would not be here anymore, but I also feel worn out by this impulsivity…but knowing that it is not a deliberate thing and something which he can’t control, might help the situation.
    Yes, inner critic, but also, his issues have interfered with his life so much that they are hard, very hard, to ignore. They are debilitating and definitely exist. I could tell a lot of stories, but again, I can’t go into it, but it’s quite gut wrenching to see some of it.

  83.  #83Starla on November 14, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Fiore’s materials say things like “how often does a great connection like that really come around?” and stuff like that to get you chasing your ex.

  84.  #84Happy on November 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Just adding a few feminine touches, a scarf, lip balm and a but of blusher… Oo and my heels and I’m ready to go.

  85.  #85Starla on November 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

    speaking of exes, my ex boyfriend who has been in touch with me, but randomly was like “nah i don’t feel like talking,” has emailed me again today.


  86.  #86Happy on November 14, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Linda, 35
    thank you for the hug! I feel glad it was helpful 

    Regards all the men your attracting… You are such a magnet! Enjoy!

  87.  #87Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

    So Tam, using one of Rori’s,

    Why are you there?

  88.  #88Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 10:25 am

    hehe I am so funny. I love myself.

    I saw “and a but of blusher” and my brain computed “a butt blusher”.

  89.  #89Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

    JC called me last night to tell me how much he is missing me, but when I asked him about his plans for Friday, which is his B-day, he said. “Maybe we can get together during the day . . .” he then proceeded to tell me that he has dinner plans with his family (mom, dad, sister & daughter), but that if I want to hang out in town we can do something after . . . Pass. I’ll just go see him on my lunch break. I’m not going to hang out in town with nothing to do on a Friday night waiting for him to eat dinner and cake with his family, just so he can get birthday sex from me after.

    I immediately told him that lunch was fine and told him I just wanted to give him a birthday kiss . . . talked about how special birthday kisses are, etc . . . and then he was all about, “well, I don’t know how long dinner will take, should not be long if you want to do something after . . . ” No, thank you . . . Lunch is fine. I’d rather go home to my dogs and cats and enjoy a cozy Friday night alone than wait in town for a man. Not interested.

  90.  #90Happy on November 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Strummingman is in a relationship. Think he has been for a while. Even when he’s been cooking for me etc… I think he’s living with them too.

    I feel angry

    I feel I fooled myself by staying open

    I feel mistrustful of men

  91.  #91Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 10:33 am


    (((difficult men)))

  92.  #92Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

    86, FW, exactly. I am here still because he is pursuing me and it feels good when we are together, but a big part is this impulsivity, which is clearly not under his control – and I feel bad and on edge, and I even feel on edge when plans are confirmed and I know he is coming – because I feel doubtful all the time now. This is no way to go on.
    I had planned to speak to him about this and now I may not have the opportunity.
    I am still here because I felt hope, as I saw things changing…and now I see them slipping into the old fear-based and defense-based patterns and I so do not want to go there.
    So in short, if after what we agreed on today, he does a ‘no-show’, which is I’d say about 95% likelihood, I may no longer ‘be there’.

  93.  #93Happy on November 14, 2012 at 10:34 am

    If he does ever contact me again I’m ignoring his contact!
    I choose not to be sucked in!

  94.  #94Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:35 am

    he also sounded very confused and nervous on the phone and spoke very fast, he reminded me of someone on drugs, it felt very cringey. That must have been the anger because he is as clean as a whistle. It felt so weird, and off.

  95.  #95Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:35 am


  96.  #96Happy on November 14, 2012 at 10:35 am

    FW he he meant bit lol

  97.  #97BAB/Rebekah on November 14, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Humm I struggle so much with this whole, buck up camper attitude I have. I even use it when speaking and interacting w kids. I want to practice compaction and femmaninity in this area!

  98.  #98Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I am about to go out on a date.

    And having no money whatsoever in my wallet (or in my bank accounts) at this moment. Partly, because I had 2 dates on the weekend I paid my share. No, even, I paid for one cd-s share too as he had forgot his wallet. That was the last money I had, and however…I did pay it without saying anything. Although a little resentment started do build up in myself…thinking “You can afford so much more than me, eating out all the time etc…this is not fair..” But I know…he had no idea…and I was not able to communicate that at that moment.

    I have a huge fear about being thought of as someone “taking advantage” of others. And being here in Europe it is quite common that the younger men are not seeing it their role to pay on dates. (As Tam has mentioned many times).. Although it is still more common in the Ex Soviet or Eastern European countries where I come form.

    So I truly hope this is one of an old gentlemen kind. or else I must run out the coffee-shop without paying.

  99.  #99Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I so so want to feel positive and believe he is jumping over his fears and comes to get me later but I failed so far. I want to get ready but I do not want to feel the disappointment of being ready and sitting here and nothing happening.
    I could just get ready and bathed and dressed nicely and if it doesn’t happen treat myself to a dinner or something, except I feel full of cold….hmmmmm. What can I do today to make myself feel good.
    Maybe I can take a hot bath..

  100.  #100Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 10:49 am


  101.  #101Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I shall step away from work for an hour, have a hot bubble bath, put on some music and not check either my phone or my emails. Yay me!

  102.  #102Rori Raye on November 14, 2012 at 10:54 am

    JD – This is a GREAT comment, thank you – are you a man? Or a coach or therapist? Look forward to knowing you and hearing your voice….Love, Rori

  103.  #103Rori Raye on November 14, 2012 at 10:55 am

    oh – JD – I do disagree a bit – I think the lines are a bit blurry sometimes, where men who are at a certain time in their lives categorize women unthinkingly – and then…something can change. Just as relationships that seem over can bounce back. Love, Rori

  104.  #104Tam on November 14, 2012 at 10:56 am

    OK, he confirmed…forgot he had appointments..ADHD full blown, giving me grief and actually wouldn’t even have been able to make it.
    Ugh. I feel Rori has her work cut out with this one…Jeepers Creepers

  105.  #105Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Rori Raye says:
    Lucy – You’re not going to like my answer, so don’t read if you don’t want to hear what I have to say: Attitude is everything. If you believe all men are cads – that’s all you’re going to see. I have several friends who just met great men on dating sites and are seriously involved. I have several available men friends who are nothing like you describe. Most men are lonely and confused and insecure – just like us. They just process it all differently. Just as you’re saying you “don’t care” – the men you see around you are specific to that – they’re acting like they “don’t care” either. The only answer here is to look at where you’re coming from, what you really want from life, and consider working on your own perception of life and love and men to make yourself available to the good ones. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

    OMG – I have been thinking about GM so much lately and he just texted me with a picture of his new tatoo. It is a 50’s model “pin-Up” girl – Lady Luck – very sexy. It’s on the inside of his arm.

    I said, “Very sexy! I think I’m glad you did not put her on your chest after all” and he replied, “I almost did, but pin-ups need to be seen”

    I want to wait a while to reply, which will make him nuts and then I want to say something playful and fun – any ideas?

  107.  #107Starla on November 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Calypso, when was the last you had heard from GM?

  108.  #108Tam on November 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

    So it seems I am off for a ‘fun holiday’ at MrP’s..oh G*d help me. I would say ‘Rori help me’ but I fear even she would raise her hands to high heaven with this one…..
    Triggerfest, Impulsivityfest, Funfest, here I come…what am I letting myself in for? ….

  109.  #109Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Calypso I would more go for 🙂 to connect emotionally over only playful and fun. I also would be concerned about trying too hard so I am not sure I am the one to comment.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on November 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I just read something today about Burt Goldman where he spoke about someone calling you when you think about them.

  111.  #111Mercedes on November 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Rori: 103 – I agree with this completely. J put me in category 3 once and when I found out, I was crushed. He put me there out of a fear of what was happening between us (and to his heart). I only know this now, looking back, neither of us knew it at the time. It was so incredibly painful.

    When I walked away though (physically, in my mind and in my heart – it was walking away that was meant to last forever – and my words and actions communicated that clearly to him), he was forced to face life without me in it…in ANY category (including friend). That was a turning point for him and in his heart, I moved from being used to being the woman he meant to spend the rest of his life with.

    And that’s where leaning back, walking away and circular dating absolutely CAN change how a man sees you. Sometimes, when faced with really losing us (not us pretending he’s losing us, but REALLY losing us) a man sees he can’t live without us.

    It sucks to have to go through something like that, but I do believe women can move from one category to another. I also believe that we have a choice of whether or not we even want to be in any category with a man who needed us to walk away in order to realize how much he loves us. I’m glad I made the choice I did, but if it ever happened to me again, I seriously doubt I would do the same thing.

    Anyway…I like your comment JD and I believe that for the most part, it is spot on…just not quite so black and white all of the time.

    Much Love,

  112.  #112Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Starla – we are in contact almost weekly. I got called into a meeting right after i posted that and now I feel like I am ok to just let it slide and not comment further to him. Sometimes I like to just abruptly end the conversation with him being the last one to say something.

    We talked on the phone last week and I have to stand outside on my porch to get a good signal and in the middle of the conversation, I suddenly said, “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m freezing my a$$ off out here, so I’m gonna go, but I’ll email you tomorrow with directions on how to change your settings” (which was why ha had called me – about a FB issue he was having) – he sounded stunned that I was abruptly ending the conversation . . .lol

    He knows I love him madly. he is the one who does not want a relationship – why would I stand outside in the freezing cold to talk him through a technical issue, which was really just an excuse to talk to me anyway???

    The man makes me crazy!

  113.  #113Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    So much for not responding – lol. I just sent him: “Lucky girl gets to hang on your arm now :-)”

  114.  #114Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    And then he said, “She’s the only one who will” . . .

    Which is a BIG FAT LIE, because he knows I would spend my life with him if he asked me to! Dang man makes me so mad!!!

  115.  #115Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Speaking of men and wanting relationships I feel like I’ve changed… Tho I’m experiencing it more like life has changed

    It feels like every song I hear on the radio and every man I talk to there’s a new meaning to it which is that they want so much to worship a woman and be near her abd assist her

    It’s really evident in songs as I’m even hearing and getting the feeling with pimp songs like mac dre I can just Feel that substrate of desire of a relationship it’s like a magical hidden language I’m starting to hear


    It feels so reassuring and comforting, and I’m not getting into ‘witty game one ups’ w the men I just bust open my hear and ooze it and they bust theirs open too and peer at me like I’m a cute bunny

  116.  #116Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    So I just replied, “Picture me rolling my eyes . . . lol . . .whatevr you say . . . Maybe she will bring you luck :-)”

  117.  #117Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Calypso – ouch seems like you set yourself up for pain there in my perception

    I wonder what it would’ve felt like for you to not text that but use feeling messages instead

    My perception is in these subtle exchanges is where all the magic is, that is where attraction builds or wanes

  118.  #118Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Oh no calypso – ouch again. Cringe ! Eek

  119.  #119Dominique on November 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Annie – 43 – My experience with men, well – my man, is that sex has not waned at all. It has changed some, meaning that his erections need some attention now and then, i.e. periodic stroking, but the ability and frequency though not as a twenty year old which could easily be five times a day, something I would only want as a novelty, not on a regular basis, is still more than sufficient. We average three times a week though it’s sometimes more. I feel quite happy and satisfied.


  120.  #120Dominique on November 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Additionally, a healthy man in body, mind, and spirit will also have a healthy sexuality no matter the age.

    I also failed to mention that K is 52.


  121.  #121Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Hmm after the first date, I might slip back into old patterns and do this with men because I get strong urges that they ‘need’ to know what I really think ie my judgements about them, myself , the world… So I feel more ‘myself’ and go back into my comfort level

    I wasn’t trusting that FMs and don’t wants and silence will really bring me the connection I want over time . That they’re ‘enough’

    I get the urge to put myself down and tell the guy not to think that much about me in certain topics, etc

    The urge to bring out my hyphy shit talking in charge side


    I feel strong pressure and I see it’s part of healing to get used to being vulnerable with ‘feminine me’ out n about over multiple dates forever

    I feel scared!


  122.  #122Dominique on November 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Annie – 48 – A healthy attitude and belief that your sexuality will continue. It may change, but it will continue to feel good. A healthy mind, body, and spirit, just as with men.

    Hormone nourishing foods, eg. infusions of oatstraw, my number one go to for keeping the libido strong and the vaginal tissues supple and juicy, and red clover for all around hormonal health. It must be infusions, for the body digests these as a food and not a supplement.

    If and when any issues arise, such as hot flashes, dryness or an ambivalence around sex, then you can supplement as needed.

    None of these symptoms are a given, NONE of them.


  123.  #123Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    I’m starting to feel really good about myself . No man orwoman has a higher standing than another man or woman in natural life yay!

    I look as glowingly exotic to these men as they do to me … Probably way more! Haha

  124.  #124Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    He said, “With her and Jake (his best friend’s code name that I gave him when he was asking me for flirting tips at the beach) on my side, it just might happen. duh”

    I replied, “You make me giggle”, which I really am doing. I am not mad or hurt or upset. I enjoy our banter and so does he.

    I don’t know what feeling message to send him in these situations. We have chosen to be friends – he asked and I accepted, because I would rather be friends than nothing – my choice.

    Give me an example of an appropriate feeling message inthis situation about his new tatoo and let me see if i can picture myself sending it to him. I’m willing to learn, whcih is why i asked for help when he first texted me . . .

  125.  #125Starla on November 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    just a reminder that you are the prize:)

  126.  #126Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Wow now a POF guy saw me out on my dancing date last week… And he wants to introduce himself ‘just in case we see each other around’

    I was dancing on my special way that had all male energy coming towards me 🙂

  127.  #127Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    ‘you make me giggle’ sounds lovely 🙂

  128.  #128Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Thanks Daria and Starla!

    I am the prize . . . i keep forgetting that where he is concerned, because I want him so much . . .

    I am the prize.

  129.  #129T-Girl on November 14, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Another new thread up!

  130.  #130Daria on November 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    No Name CD just popped up online saying ‘you should text me babe I feel good to hear from you all the time’

    Lol I feel amused

  131.  #131Calypso on November 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    110 FW – I just read your post about people calling you when you are thinking about them – I have often wondered if you are thinking about them because they are thinking about you . . . they are obviously thinking about you or they would not have called – right? GM has been wanting to send me that pic, which is why i have been thinking about him and wondering if he got his new tatoo . . .

  132.  #132Radlove on November 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    FW and Calypso,

    110 and 131 – I feel convinced that that is a real thing when two people connect at the same moment on a similar thought, etc! It has happened to K and me repeatedly! Our letters would cross in the mail, and they would say the same thing! Or we would be talking and one or the other of us would say, wow, I was just thinking that!

  133.  #133Annie on November 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Ty Dominique

  134.  #134Annie on November 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm


  135.  #135Radlove on November 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I feel so excited about the teleclass, like anticipating a big concert or movie! 🙂 Rori rocks my world! 😆

  136.  #136Ags on November 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    I really like this. I believe love is ultimately a choice. However, I feel confused, as I wonder if this article conflicts with your tools Rori. If I am not mistaken, you encourage us Sirens to “inspire” a man’s love through emotion and open-heartedness. This implies that it is not a “choice” on a man’s part to love us, but rather a subconscious feeling we help arouse. So when a man’s feelings change (and feelings are always changing), where does the “love is a choice” philosophy come in? I am a very loyal person, and when I love someone, it is an inner commitment I make to that person. But I find that many people don’t think this way–that people just want to feel a certain way all the time, rather than create The One. I feel confused.

  137.  #137Emoticon on November 14, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    I feel so Hopeful
    I feel SOOO strong
    I feel so in control of myself
    I feel so powerful
    I love this place
    I love me!
    🙂 <3

  138.  #138Popsicletoes53 on November 15, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Unbelievably good insight.. to separate the chemical attraction which we all know is biologically based from the actual development of love.. I am so glad this was posted because I have friends who keep on falling in love with the wrong guy… and not distinguishing between the chemical attraction and the choose to love someone in a commitment…

    Great stuff.. thank you so much for this..

  139.  #139Femininewoman on November 15, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Hi Emoticon

  140.  #140Popsicletoes53 on November 15, 2012 at 5:38 pm


    I can identify with what you are saying… for me though the tools are just that.. they are not ultimate truth.. the tools as I see it help me to be my best self with the men I am involved with… and it isn’t about snaring a man.. it is about me being the best person I can be authentically in a way that men will “get” me.. the right one will come along.

    The choice I see is after the initial giddiness when a commitment is embarked on and in the journey choosing to be consistently open and your best self with him… learning how to communicate in a way inside the relationship and making that way a habit .. that is love.. and choosing to love.. the very fact that I would use a tool to benefit my lover is choosing to love him and choosing to see him perfectly. In the process is where the intimacy forms because you allow him to “into me see”… the tools help us do that.. so we remain vulnerable.. that in itself is choosing to love someone and while I will incorporate those tools with everyone.. he is the one that I seek to know intimately the most. As I see it the great things about the tools is they will serve us to help us sift through the men… the wrong type of man could be drawn to us initially but the wrong type will not stay… the right type will stay and they will allow themselves to change with the process. I am feeling especially juicy and warm tonight.. all cuddly and soft.. I love this process..

  141.  #141Emoticon on November 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Heyyy FW <3

  142.  #142R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    It’s awful that I lack trust and faith in men “romantically” I opened my heart and I mean really let my defenses down and fell hard with this one. I got burned and I learned from it but the end result is still I don’t want to feel that sad again, so letting someone in is almost a far fetched idea never to be thought of again..oh wow sad to read and write, this is yucky feelings

  143.  #143R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    I am punishing myself but my heart is so locked away…

  144.  #144R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    I hate myself for loving you but love you for letting me go.

  145.  #145R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    So hard in the fact I will not prove myself to anyone, this is me take me as I am and you dont have to love me or even like me just leave me alone. If you loved me you would have been here when I needed u most and if you cared at all, I wouldn’t feel so abandoned.

  146.  #146R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    You’re hearing rumours about me
    And you can’t stomach the thought
    Of someone touching my body
    When you’re so close to my heart
    I won’t deny what they saying
    Because most of it is true
    But it was all before I fell for you

    So please babe
    So please don’t judge me
    And I won’t judge you
    Cause it could get ugly
    Before it gets beautiful
    Please don’t judge me
    And I won’t judge you
    And if you love me
    Then let it be beautiful
    Let it be beautifu-u-ul, let it be beautiful
    Let it be beautifu-u-ul, let it be beautiful

    ….love this and feel it speaks to me

  147.  #147R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Spamming feels good here, no judgements. Thanks sirens

  148.  #148R.N.AmazingMe on November 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    I will say through all of this I have slowed down in life. Stopped being so dramatic and just learn to “be” with myself and learn and love myself again. Which amongst all the crazy drama in life I really am learning to channel my feelings. I let myself feel things and be ok with it, voice it if I feel I need to but at the end of the day I never go to bed trying to please anyone. I am learning to do my best one day at a time sometimes have to break it down to one hour at a time. However I get through but the best thing is I get through on my own without needing any acceptance from anyone. I accept and love myself enough to finally understand this and continue to write about it and share with you on the blog. Pretty intense for me

  149.  #149Annie on November 16, 2012 at 9:04 am

  150.  #150HappyGirl Most of The Time on November 16, 2012 at 12:18 pm


    My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost three years. A Year ago July we talked about getting married. Actually he talked about getting married and he thought we would do it after we got into a new house he was buying. Needless to say it never happened. Our life together has been rocky and turbulent. He has gone from calling me his wife to taking me off credit cards and wioing me out of his life pretty much. We fight and he tells me how he has been “in love” with other women but he is not “in love” with me. Fair enough. However when I say I should go, he tells me I don’t have to leave that I can still live there. I am not allowed to bring men home if I stay. This last time we fought, he left and lived at a friends for 3 days. I called to tell him that I was looking for help to find a place and that I would be moving out.

    He came home and said he thought we should try to make it through the Holidays and see what happens then. When we fight we always make up no matter how angry he gets. This time I will take credit for the fight. We had a couple of drinks and I was feeling a bit sad because we had drifted so far apart. He asked me about my feelings and I plainly said just that, I am getting sad because we have drifted so far apart. I wish we felt like we did before. From there it got ugly and he left again. Thats when he came home when he realized I was serious about leaving. He had asked me if this was the first time I was looking to leave and I said no. I had placed an ad before when we fought and he said he wanted it to be over.

    He says that when we fight he says things he knows will upset me. I am just thinking that maybe I am doing something because it is like he comes home after a fight and wants to try again.

    I dont know what is going on but I am thinking I am about through. I will stay for Christmas because I have kids and getting a place of my own now would mean less of a Christmas for them.

    I have a hard time understanding what is going on between us because he always talks about us and what we want in the future. He is waiting for that I’m in love but I dont know how to make it happen for him.

    I do know that he always says I want to get married, but he doesn’t feel it. He said he wants to be hopelessly in love the next time he marries. I don’t know how that happenes either. I said I am fine without being married that I want it someday but not at this exact second.

    What do I do?

  151.  #151k2012 on November 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Hi Rori, thanks for posting that link from your friend Mike. I went to his site and it seems pretty interesting. I will certainly subscribe to him as well so I am now subscribing to four online relationship counsellors, namely you, Virginia, Christian and Mike. Furthermore my hairdresser is my real life relationship counsellor. Five of u. Lol. I have been getting a ton of advice from ur newsletters as well as. Ur other relationship counsellor friends and I am truly appreciative of all newsletters send out. I have learnt so much, it is amazing.

  152.  #152Rori Raye on November 16, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Happy – I’m so sorry for all this, and the only thing I have to offer is that perhaps fighting isn’t working for you? Love, Rori

  153.  #153Tee Rougeau on November 17, 2012 at 4:40 am


    Where are you located and how can I get you to my graduate school campus to speak on our free forum. These subjects are constantly the topic of conversation.

    Best regards,


  154.  #154Simply Goddess on November 17, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Headache.. Urgh.. and this is the place I find myself..
    yep.. I’m back..

    Hi ladies xx

  155.  #155Rori Raye on November 17, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Tee – I’m in Los Angeles – and I’m working now on creating a training program – to certify Rori Raye Relationship and Life Coaches. Perhaps that could lead to something with your forum…Love, rori

  156.  #156k2012 on November 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Rori, I don’t know if u saw what I am about to write as I had sent u an email, but I know u couldnt respond personally. I also want to share this with other ladies.

    A few days ago I was at my desk thinking the following question-Has a man ever disappeared on you and just when u start to get over him and practically stop talking about him, he reappears?
    (Even if he doesn’t reappear to YOU, but to some family member of yours, if he knows them that is. And then its like everything is ressurected again and u start talking about what he did again. Well that’s me.

    He reappeared and called my sister, hoping to get some business from her. My sister had predicted that he would call as she was pointing out that since he was a businessman and he got frequent business from she and her husband, he couldnt hide forever. I disagreed strongly and she finally agreed weeks later. But we got the shock of our lives when she informed me that he called and was asking how they faired in Hurricane Sandy (yeah right). He was just using the storm as an excuse and probably figured that if my sister suffered damage, he could get business from them to do repairs. Instantly my sister knew why he called. He must be want business. So eventually she was right after all.

    I was most upset. Its like my anger came back and I started talking about what he did all over again. This happened last week or the week before and I was cursing all over again. It is just now that I start to cool off again. Ladies, has anyone been through that?

    Also Rori, thanks for the recent newsletter. thumbs up to ur friend who dated 6 men one time. Wow. Well she found Mr. right. Thats so great. I cracked up at the good riddance comment. Pity I didnt know about circular dating before I got in too deep with ex- boyfriend. I certainly would have said good riddance when he disappeared. My sister made a good point that while we want to circular date, sometimes there might be a difficulty finding the second man. u find the first man and u start dating him, but she said that there might be a difficulty finding a second man.

    But i have an important question, when u circular date, do all of the men know u are dating someone else? do u tell them so they can know that u are not exclusive with them? If men circular date, we can do it too as I said to my hairdresser and relationship counsellor last night. It’s only fair. They do it so why cant we? The only time they stop is when they are ready to commit to one person, even if they are not quite ready to get married.

  157.  #157sunlight on November 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I need some feedback. I am aware that I ahm being triggered but I am also afraid I don’t have an accurate perspective. I am stressed and unhappy about the way the man in my life disappears every other week. I don’t know what to do or say to him. Some history about me: I am divorced from a man who betrayed me. He actually fathered a child with another woman while were married but living apart b/c of a military assignment. Now I am seeing a sweet, kind, good man. But he works week on/week off shifts in a high stress job.
    when he is off work. But during the weeks he works he completely disappears

  158.  #158sunlight on November 18, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Sorry..I left out a sentence from the post above……just wanted to say all is well when he is off work. Normal communication and we see one another. He has talked of the future, marriage and commitment. I am still upset about intervsld of a weeks or more of no contact. He acts like nothing is wrong. I feel crazy for doubting and worrying.

  159.  #159Rori Raye on November 18, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    sunlight – This isn’t about you being crazy – this is about this being the kind of life you want. You have to learn to talk to him. To say how uneasy you feel when you don’t hear from him or see him when he’s working, and yet you get how stressful it is for him. Ask him what it would look like if you lived together….would it be easier to consistently be with each other? Talk is where it’s at. The fact that you have history of men lying to you tells me that this is still what you’re attracted to. Love, Rori

  160.  #160sunlight on November 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Rori and All – I am looking for some help. In response to my post above, Rori said the fact that I have a history of being deceived by a man means this is still what I am attracted to. I can sense that there is something to this for me. Please help me understand this idea more.

    e. Could you hekp me understand the idea more

  161.  #161Becky on November 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    How do we know what it is to be worshipped or if it’s better to be in a relationship where we equally give and get? I was with a guy who worshipped the ground I walked on, but he wasn’t on the same intellectual level as me, and we just didn’t have anything to talk about, at least, not in the way that I wanted to talk about things. Also, I wasn’t very physically attracted to him. Now I’m with a new guy. Sometimes I feel he cares deeply about me: he’ll take me to nice places, we’ll talk late into the night, he comes to my place often (even though I love where he lives! It’s in the city and has everything close by. I’m out in the middle of nowhere!)
    But now and then, I feel like he resents that I don’t pay (I do bring take out though, and I’m a damn good cook!) I’m getting my master’s degree and am poor, yet he, who is 10 years older than me and makes good money, asks me to buy the groceries occasionally- he even asked me to buy the turkey for Thanksgiving!? Am I being a princess for wanting to be spoiled? Are all of us? Is it better to just meet a guy on equal ground?
    Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here on the board. Hope it’s safe and spent with loved ones!

  162.  #162Dominique on November 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Becky – Too bad if he resents you not paying. It’s not your job to worry about or even think about what he is or isn’t thinking.

    You don’t have the means and even if you did, this would mostly be for him to take care of. Men are the doing creatures, and women are the feeling creatures. This isn’t to say you don’t ever do. Cooking for him IF you feel like it is lovely. If this isn’t enough for him, then maybe it’s time to rethink the man.

    I also think you are over thinking this. There really isn’t a way to measure if you are on equal ground or he worships you or whatever.

    Your job is to remain open an curious, release expectations, enjoy what is, and if something continues to feel bad, then you decide if whatever it is is a deal breaker.


  163.  #163Becky on November 19, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Thanks for the response! I do overthink this but that’s because money is on my mind a lot lately. I’m stressed about it, and a part of me feels I shouldn’t be dating because I don’t have any. I think a lot, if not most, men I know expect a woman to pay almost half of the time, but I can’t afford that with the student loans I live on. I guess this means I just don’t date…? How often do we give back? And what if we can’t afford to?

  164.  #164Radlove on November 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm


    Welcome! FYI, most of us read and write on the newest blog thread, found here:

    I am not able to answer your follow up question. I do know that Rori wrote an article that relates about men who have no trust and say they don’t want a woman who cheats, because they have been cheated on. But in reality, they are conditioned to be bored with a woman who is faithful, and they will only feel attraction to a woman who cheats.

  165.  #165Violette on November 19, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    It feels comforting to hear all of you sharing about what is in your hearts. It feels like perspective to me. I feel uneasy from having a first and second date with a man two dates in a row…and finding him so fun and sexy…he called a couple of days later to say hi but not ask me out, and now it’s a couple of days later and still haven’t heard from him. I just want above all to not get bitter, even if I never hear from him. I don’t want to invest myself until it feels safe, and it doesn’t yet, and I want to see him again, but I want to fill my head with adventures in my life instead of waiting for someone else to.

  166.  #166Violette on November 19, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    two dates two days in a row I meant…

  167.  #167Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Becky – 163 – This is my point. You don’t reciprocate so much if at all in the early stages of dating. If he expects this, then he’s not being a gentleman, and he’s likely not the man for you. When you’ve been dating awhile, and if you feel inspired to having no expectations attached to it, you can maybe cook for him or do something which is in your budget and feels good to YOU. You give because YOU want to, because it fills you up to do so.

    When I dated my now husband, he would NEVER let me pay, and even after ten years together, he won’t let me pay.

    Men are for the most part the doers, the giving aspect, and women for the most part are the receivers, the feeling aspect.

    You give back by having or cultivating an open and vulnerable heart and by being authentic, real.


  168.  #168Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Violette – 165 – Two days is nothing in boy time. Relax, try to get your mind off of him. Go make yourself feel good in any way you can however this looks to you.


  169.  #169Becky on November 20, 2012 at 8:19 am


    I honestly don’t believe there are men out there like that anymore…

  170.  #170Becky on November 20, 2012 at 8:20 am

    I don’t believe that there are men who are that generous…I think too that a lot of women insist on paying. There are a lot of mixed messages about it all to be honest. It doesn’t feel good to me to pay, but that’s why I’m asking if this is most likely because of an entitled attitude which I need to change…

  171.  #171Goddess Lily on November 20, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I have only had one man suggest me start paying or cooking. He is very feminine energy and I found out a year in that we really didn’t get along. EVERY other man I’ve ever dated wouldn’t allow such a thing. At most, I’ve been asked to buy a sweet tea from McDonald’s on my way over. Gentlemen do exist.

  172.  #172Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Oh but there are Becky, and the sooner you really, really believe this, the sooner men like this will start showing up in your life.


  173.  #173Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 8:49 am

    I’ve been posting on the latest thread but saw this in my email today and wanted to chime in…. 🙂

    Becky: Those men do exist…they really, really do. Open yourself up to one…it’s okay. Dominique is right…when you start believing the man of your dreams is really out there, you will start attracting that man. If you believe generous men do not exist though, you will not be attracting generous men.

    Violet: I think you should find another date for tonight and enjoy another man’s company. It’s okay to date others while the first one takes his time in reaching out to you. Who knows, the next one might be even MORE attractive to you than the last and when the last one calls, you might find yourself not wanting to answer. That’s the beauty of the tools here…you can date and have fun and enjoy the company of lots of people and then YOU can decide if the man who steps up to claim you is right for you. 🙂 Go have some fun and no worries about this man…he’ll most likely show up again but it’ll be on his own time and like Dominique says…two days is nothing in guy time.

    Much Love,

  174.  #174Violette on November 20, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Thanks for the encouragement Dominique!! And I love hearing you all talk about not paying on a date. I was raised in the South and would never pay on a date, but so many women have judged me for that, and I’m glad there are others who feel the same way I do!

  175.  #175Brenda on November 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I’ve been involved with this guy for 10yrs now I was there for him in every way in the first 3yrs he was down. I found out another woman was in the picture maybe others this particular woman was confrontational when I’d see her so I asked him to talk to her I loved myself I had my own life and didn’t mention the issue with her I thought it would eventually just end. On one occasion I went to see him and she showed up he asked me if I could let him talk to her he wasn’t disrespectful I felt at that moment it was time to remove myself from his life and I did he called I didn’t answer . A yr later we bumped into each other and he said that situation was done we slowly start spending time I got pregnant and he left for a mth no calls I had a misscarge. He showed back up out of nowhere saying he just wanted me to keep the child and he’s sorry I lost the baby and he was confused.I stayed away he kept begging for days showing up at my job and I forgave him which is my fault in this drama. Now its still issues women and other children I ignore it and live my life work go to the gym but now its too much so i asked him where do I fit in his life that its too much going on and he says please be patient with him what man doesn’t cheat I stayed patient like a sitting duck but I feel bitter I question him so much about these other relationships so much he says he hates to be around me and he love me everyone see it and I’m slowing our relationship down by questioning I feel its my fault because when we got back together after i miscarried he wanted me to move in and I said no that I didn’t want to get her so our relationship which really looking now wasn’t we were back and forth at each other apartments I think if I had agreed to moving in maybe it would have been different now I just was so hurt about being left pregnant and miscarried all by myself I hide it and moved on but i held on to being skeptical of being all the with him when at that point if I felt that way I should’ve ended it, now we see each other once a week he calls 2 a day I feel in love with the good times and I’m comfortable with him in some ways minus the drama we have had good times but the bad has made me bitter I don’t contact him I’m leaning back trying to love me but its hard now I’m bitter and he has moved on but doesn’t admit it I’m trying to let go when he looks at me I don’t feel loved I need to know how to let go in my heart my mind has already realized its time and why does he contact me everyday its phony

  176.  #176k2012 on November 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Brenda I hope its okay if I made a comment about ur situation. This guy has u on a roller coaster. He is taking u for a fool. Tell him u are tired of the drama and to stop calling u. Like all of us on this board, we deserve a man who loves and respect us. Not every man cheats, so tell him to clear off with that. There are still decent men out there who will be committed to ONE woman only. Yes they are hard to find. We know that.

  177.  #177Brenda on November 20, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Thks everyone for the advice I appreciate it deeply!!

  178.  #178Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 12:47 am


    175 – Ewww, he said what man doesn’t cheat??? I wouldn’t want to stick around for a man like that, either. I would just try to date new men…do you have a profile? Have you listened to any of Rori’s programs? She is really good about explaining the value of Circular Dating! It’s straight therapy, for real, disguised as dating! Or aren’t you ready for that?

    Sorry to hear you had to work thru first your pregnancy, then your miscarriage all alone. That’s some emotional stuff. This blog is a fantastic place to come to feel free to unload all that and there is a lot of support here!

    Most of us post on the newest thread of the blog, found here:

  179.  #179Brenda on December 2, 2012 at 7:20 am

    I’m new to the site I haven’t listened to her program on circular dating yet I feel kinda lost in the dating dept right now but I do want someone to date have fun none of the drama and will eventually build a relationship I know it takes time I have bad feelings about myself I know I need to work thru thks Radlove for the input I don’t have many people to talk to one person so thks.

  180.  #180Tracey on January 8, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Dear Rory,

    The man that I just started seeing…stated that he is shy! He wants me to make the first moves. At the end of our first date, I had to ask him for a hug. So, I told him I am shy also! Do I need to come back and tell him that I am an Old Fashioned woman! I am used to the man making all the decisions? Or is this his way of setting himself up so he doesn’t get hurt?



  181.  #181Rori Raye on January 9, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Tracey…sounds like all you have to do here is be straightforward! Sounds like you can’t do anything wrong here…yes, give the old fashioned girl speech, and yet – DON’T expect him to change…tell him you love his strong, silent type thing, and that it feels good that you can kiss him and touch him and he likes it – and just go be a cat with him! Purr…and see what happens. Love, Rori

  182.  #182Alexia on January 16, 2013 at 11:53 am

    What a beautiful advice