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rosestemI want to make sure you’re getting the most out of your experience in the community by getting your own needs for safety and expression met (rather than simply being helpful to others in the community).

I actually have a set of guidelines (over in the sidebar) that officially BANS ALL advice giving (except for me, and the professional coaches I’ve allowed on the site to give advice) – so that everyone can feel free to just “Riff.”

Riffing is a major therapeutic Tool in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and if you’d like help with it, the community member here who likes to use this ALL the time, and is amazing at it, is Daria (you can also learn it, see it in action and Practice it by going to the post category Power & Self-Esteem, Targeting Mr. Right – and starting from the oldest post.

The posts, from oldest to newest, lay out all the steps of Riffing for you. You can practice there right along with all the women of this community, right on those posts.

This way, no one ever has to worry about even the possibility of experiencing “judgment.”

It’s Feeling Messages in “action”!

Over the years, we’ve all discovered here that we all do much better when we feel tight-knit and protective of one another’s “safety….”

And – as long as you’re watchful, and have a sense of where advice-giving can be fraught with potholes and pitfalls and where it can be helpful – I’m happy to let you express yourself the way you want.

Advice-giving, even and especially as a professional, can be intrinsically “heavy” with subconscious judgment of OURSELVES – showing up when someone else touches and triggers us.

If you see your writing setting anyone off – that’s your clue to look inside at what “opinions” you’re holding about yourself.

AND, if you see your writing triggering a mental “discussion” (HuffPo style) – rather than a heartfelt sharing of feelings – you know that your interior emotional “armor” is being protected and increased, rather than opened and diminished.

So – Feelings first, I say, opinions “last” or, best – never.

I encourage you to simply “go for it”- and just “Riff” away.

See how that feels for you.

It can be an exhilarating thing to be poetic, to make no sense, to just tune into feelings.

To embrace feelings in words…and feel how the love comes back at ya.

If you’re a writer, it may give you an extra dimension to your writing, also.

Glad to know you…

Love, Rori

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97 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 31, 2014 at 8:47 am

    “interior emotional armor”

    I love your choice of words Rori.



  2.  #2Daria on October 31, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Daria – deeling confisent and successful yay !



  3.  #3Sapphire on October 31, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Looking at scripts and today I came across
    “You’re entitled to treat me any way you want, and it feels bad when…
    I am really struggling with this and want to use something similar but I dont feel my husband is entitled to treat me any way he wants.
    That sentance makes me feel less than but I am struggling to come up with an alternative to those words.

    these have just popped into my head
    You are entitled to behave anyway you want……. seems better to me.

    Rori with all due respect sometimes it is helpful to get someone else opinion on things as it opens up our understanding because often when we are feeling emotional we cant see the wood for our feelings (trees)

    Love Sapphire



  4.  #4Daria on October 31, 2014 at 11:52 am

    oh wow feeling honored — and triggered feeling attacked by someone i shared with and then an opening up and authenticity me first then her

    ieeeee feeling thrilled !



  5.  #5Daria on October 31, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Sapphire the first wording – the one that riggers you – feels more real to me

    becausde anyone is entitled to treat anyone howwver they want – in this feminine world, theres no rights or not alloweds – life just lives

    and that feels triggering and scary… yet can feel freeing and amazing

    when the words changed to /’behAVING ‘ IT FELT MORE LIKE CONTROL AND JUDGEMENT TO ME, like people commonly do to their children

    amnd i ffelt triggered about the opinion thing and i feel kinda excited that i cN share this and it may be helpful, and its still my feeelings — with a touch of belief abt how the world works in a feminine way – that wd be the everyone is entitled to treat anyone how they want part

    seems scary taking into account wat ive been taught about what can happen and why control of people is better – but really its Not! an working on undoing that here



  6.  #6Sapphire on October 31, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Daria
    True yes I agree the bahave is not the best word either and I also take on board what you have said about anyone can treat anyone the way they want and yes its then up to me to either allow it or to walk away.
    I have just read the guidence and was shocked and you being attacked in that way as I have often read your posts and find you use of words and getting your feelings out their inspiring.
    Thank you for your reply.
    I suppose essentially when I am in my feeligns and emotional I get caught up in how I feel but then when I hear feedback (better word than opinion) I can see it from a different point of view and it opens me up more. Finding the right words is one of my problems and that often leads to resentment in my relationships as it can be taken the wrong way.
    X



  7.  #7Shelly on October 31, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Hi

    I need help quickly if possible
    I’ve decided to move closer to my office for work. The only reason I was staying in the town was to stay by my ex. We recently broke up and I have been moving towards him…after listening to your programs I know I need to lean WAY BACK. We have dated for about 9 years so this break up has been devastating to me. My question is this…do I tell him that I am moving or do I just move…you say that a guy has to come towards you and they will find you. I’m hoping that he does…in addition we have a loan on my car together. I make all the payments…am I obligated to or as a courtesy should I send him an “I’ve moved” new address through the mail or just let him find out on his own? Thank you for your advice or feedback



  8.  #8Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    ((((Saphire)))) #50 from last thread… not sure you saw this…

    Here is a link to the telesiminar
    http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=61284477

    I have found it EXtremely helpful to take advantage of the Free coaching from many RR coaches…that is available now…
    It has helped me move forward sooo quickly….
    Sooo nice to have a kind, warm woman guiding me on my journey…
    oxoxo



  9.  #9Sapphire on October 31, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Hello
    Thank you Azure Blu. i will listen to the Tele class and yes I will speak to one of the coaches as really need help with the feeling messages and my fear of using them.

    Thank you for the link xxx



  10.  #10Liquid Light on October 31, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Yes, thanks for posting this Azure. The tele class was really good!



  11.  #11Rori Raye on October 31, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Shelly, Welcome, and I don’t want to give you advice without hearing your entire story, etc…so – if you can – take a session with one of my brilliant Certified Coaches (in the Coach Directory in the “Pages” on the right sidebar) – they’ll get to the heart of your situation right away and put a plan together for you that covers everything, not just these small bits – but how to handle this whole experience in a way that will work for you.
    Love, Rori



  12.  #12prplpsn28 on October 31, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    #3 Saphire…I agree that it is helpful to receive others opinions.



  13.  #13Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    Sapphire,

    “You’re entitled to treat me anyway you want…” doesn’t feel right to me either. I would NEVER say something like that because I don’t believe it. Entitlement, for me, is a most unattractive and icky idea and I don’t believe human beings are “entitled” to things which relate to others. So no, a person is not entitled to treat me any way they want. They are entitled to live their own lives as they wish, but when it comes to other people I believe in a certain minimum of kindness and respect.



  14.  #14Emerson on October 31, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    Hi sirens, I feel curious about practicing riffing…



  15.  #15Femininewoman on November 1, 2014 at 4:36 am

    “You’re entitled to treat me anyway you want…”

    The way I see this is that it gives the woman who uses it a lot of power because it goes both ways. A man who hears this knows that the woman is entitled to treat him the way she chooses too. It is unspoken but it is just a psychological think and the man is not stupid. He knows if he wants to get what he wants he will have to treat her a certain way. No man deep down wants to feel bad. He knows if he treats the woman badly he will feel badly. Nothing she says or does is worse or more judgmental than his own NVs.



  16.  #16Victoria on November 1, 2014 at 5:43 am

    I am not a native English speaker, in my language you would not say “you are entitled to… ” there is no such phrase. You can say “you can treat me any way you like” and it would not stick out the way it does in English… Anyway, from my own experience, conversations of this type become too loaded too fast



  17.  #17Catie Jacob on November 1, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Wow, words can have such powerful feelings attached to them…

    For me, “You are allowed to say whatever you want to me” feels better than “entitled,” and yet my favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt is this:

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    My man, my friends, my neighbors, my family are all entitled to their opinion, and they are allowed to share it. When I try to keep them from saying something I don’t like, or when I try to convince them of my side, I feel anxious and disconnected.

    For me, it’s about giving up control. It can feel really hard to stay mindful of this, and yet when I am aware of my go-to place of wanting to be in control, wanting to prevent myself from hearing things I don’t like, etc. and I simply let the argument drop, I feel so much better. I feel more connected to myself, I feel connected to the universe, and often I will feel more connected to the person I’m with.

    Love, Catie



  18.  #18Azure Blu on November 1, 2014 at 8:33 am

    from last thread
    Ahhhh Emerson… #80
    I feel excited reading about the reaction you get from listening to your music!!!
    It feels soooo magical to watch the RR tools work on us with others…

    I just had that happen last night…
    with Spirit (he asked me to meet him at our fav pub)
    We were talking, he was sharing how much he thinks about me… what an amazing connection he thinks we have…
    as I was listening I relaxed my body…
    looked at his eyes and unzippered my heart…
    He Immediately said… “Did you feel that?”
    “I felt this amazing closeness with you right NOW!!”
    “You see, Azure, That is what I mean… You make ME feel understood!!!”
    Zing, Zappp Zaowiiiie!!!
    Magical…



  19.  #19Azure Blu on November 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

    from the last thread
    Victoria #78
    Huggssss darling Siren,

    Rori says… this is ALLL practice… My humble opinion is… YOU have not done anything wrong…
    Mistea 1 and I are practicing the leaning WAY back…

    I was sooo inspired from the recent telesiminar that Rori’s coaches gave…
    http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=61284477

    Sooo Excellent!
    If you want to …..Listen to the whole thing…in my opinion… it gets better after the first few minutes…
    I hope this helps…
    oxoxo



  20.  #20Azure Blu on November 1, 2014 at 8:40 am

    purple & Saphire…
    It has been VERY helpful for me to hear and read others opinions and how THEY would approach an issue…
    So helpful to see things from others perspectives that are practicing the Rori tools



  21.  #21Sophie on November 1, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Lots of riffing to do!

    With, Young CD, who is the king of poofing, I feel quite a lot anxious and urgent. I feel strong leaning forward energy with him as he’s always about to slip the net. It has an addictive element which I suppose is toxic. It is such a ‘me thing’ as it’s not like he has a million things to offer me. I enjoy his physical proximity, when he is there I feel ‘safe’ an illusory kind of safe and ‘connected’ and illusory kind of ‘connected’ but that safeness and connection is always eluding me. He is just not there, he is just not available. And neither am I but it’s like I still want him to be regardless. This is a strong pattern of mine.

    Last night, I was out. Young Cd was not which freed up space for other men to come forward. If I’d had it my way I would have had Young CD there. I don’t know, I feel an attachment to the familiarity I guess. Why, though I don’t know ‘cos it feels good to open space for other men. I met a nice man who did not ‘poof’ but who remained by my side all night. In fact, he wouldn’t poof, which felt nice. And he was very attentive with his compliments and his providing of things for me and for the commentsI get a lot about him feeling surprised at how much he was opening up to me etc (I get that from Young CD too). And I felt unsure but I let him kiss me and it felt yummy because he was very tender and sensual and was kissing my neck which I really love but I’d forgotten because I’ve had lots of ‘men who don’t want to do intimacy’ sex/sexual experiences recently. And then I left and he did not take details for me possibly because I’m going away next week and that felt okay.

    I felt conflicted. Because I recognised I really don’t know what type of man I like. Because, I know I like the ‘bad boys’ the ones with the intense, sexual energy, the ones who would really thrill me but I also felt turned on by this man who as I say was attentive and tender (and had lots going for him).

    I also felt (acutely) that I’m not who men think I am. When they meet me. They see all the good things about me but they don’t see all the other stuff underneath. And, this is one reason I shy away from the nice men I think because they will discover I’m not so nice and I don’t want that. I suppose all this is me being unavailable for intimacy which is why I magnetise towards those ones who aren’t also and I suppose if they’re likely to be ‘bad’ then it’s not so exposing to my badness…

    hmmmm, everything is going to have to be so slow for me I think – except I’m not slow when it comes to hovering around the unavailables and becoming ‘linked in’ – I’m very good at not being slow (sad face)



  22.  #22Sophie on November 1, 2014 at 10:19 am

    I love kissing for leaning back. It’s so easy to get some really good physical leaning back going on when you’re kissing. Men seem to love it too – leaning in for that kiss especially if you make them lean far 🙂



  23.  #23Sophie on November 1, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Azure Blu – that’s a lovely observation with what happened with Spirit when you changed your energy – I love hearing these examples



  24.  #24Andrea on November 1, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    I feel fear. I feel afraid. I feel insecure and self conscious and I feel the ground giving out below me. I feel I’m dancing on a thin razors edge between falling and being swallowed up, or floating.

    How? Can dating make me feel like this? So unsure one moment and giddy and happy the next.

    I had two really great weeks with Bob, getting to know him, getting close, and being surprised by his attention and his gifts and his promises. What happened? Now I feel insecure, questioning, twisted, unattracted to him and a little bit trapped.

    He purchased us tickets to a concert that is five hours away in the same town my mom and dad live in. He promised to drive my daughters and I there, get he and I a hotel, and we planned to have my daughters visit with Grandparents. My daughters are excited. My parents are excited.

    The closer we get to this concert, the flakier Bob is becoming. Asking me out on dates and then standing me up last minute, his daughters vehicle was stolen… his son is suddenly in the ICU… and then sending me p**** shots of himself when he was out of town. (we have not been physically intimate yet)

    And today, after not hearing from him for a little bit, I leaned forward asking him about his son. No response….

    I can’t afford the trip to my parents city that I’ve already promised my daughters. Now I feel stupid and in a jam. I really want to go to that concert too. But I just don’t feel the closeness or the connection I felt before and going to that city with Bob means staying with him in a hotel for the weekend.

    I was wildly attracted to him before, now…. I feel twisted, unsure, insecure, unclear about what’s going on. And not wanting to lean in anymore. I feel ick surrounding this and am wondering if he feels that energy as well.

    If we didn’t have this concert between us, or the promise to my family, or if I was more financially independent, I would not be feeling this way. I feel in a jam because I’m relying on someone I can’t completely control, get a read on, feel completely confident in.

    Did he say he would take us? Yes. Why don’t I just trust him. Red flags going off? Yes. But am I just turning small things into big ones? One whole day without contact never bothered me before, but now I’ve reached out and I feel all in a tizzy cause he’s not reaching back and I feel this is too close to the day of our traveling to be non-communicitive.

    Darn. I want peace. I feel at a loss right now. I feel totally uncomfortable trying to rely on someone else. I feel out of my element. I feel no in control. I feel out of my comfort zone. It makes my tummy do flip flops.



  25.  #25lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    dear andrea….

    just want you to know i feel you!

    sending a big virtual hug to you!

    remember how beautiful and lovely you are…..and how well you take care of you and your daughters….

    i wish you had my perspective now……easy to do cuz its not me…..and i see how space and leaning back could be so easefull now….having confidence in myself and knowing its all okay….almost just like an experiment or adventure story or the latest chapter…..learning more about this man….learning more about your triggers and what comes up….

    oh how i wish that when i had been soo triggered….i could have told myself these things……instead of reacting like i have in the past….

    this is the kinda stuff i need to say to myself now …..BIG TIME…..

    and i know you are riffing….and so good….



  26.  #26April Rose on November 1, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Feeling for you, Andrea, and I totally get your discomfort.

    One thing stood out for me – it feels like a ‘big’ date to be going on with such a new man. Maybe too soon?



  27.  #27Emerson on November 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    18 wow azure!!! That is awesome.
    I’m definitely going to remember to unzip my heart …
    🙂



  28.  #28Labbit on November 1, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Andrea, I feel so much for you right now! Having been in a similar position several times myself…it’s so hard to know what you do when it feels like a little talking will solve everything, just some reassurance. I can feel your fear, your worries, your uncertainty. I want to wrap you up in a big hug!!!

    Recently I’ve become much better at turning this around for myself. In keeping my center on myself no matter how excited I am about a man or the things he wants to do for me. It’s come down to not giving a man more than he gives me. I have noticed that men feeling me out tend to make lots of promises and it’s hard to know what they’ll follow through on and what’s just gauging my reaction. Also, as a man and I become closer and more attracted to each other, sometimes he starts to get flaky. So if he disappears for a week, when he finally does come out of his cave, I wait at least two to three days from the day I heard from him before I respond. And when I do respond it’s with something really chill…no hint of the flip-flops my stomach has been doing or the rivers of tears I’ve cried myself to sleep with or any of that. If he comes out of his cave and says “Hey,” I reply back “Hey, it feels good to hear from you! I’ve been so busy…it would feel nice to catch up soon! Have a great day!”

    And then I go do something that makes ME feel really good. I lean back so dang far in that rubber band that he snaps right towards me. 🙂

    The first time I did this it scared the bajeezus out of me. All of it — the terror of waiting to answer his came-out-of-the-cave text while my mind screamed at me he’d lose interest, the fight against the nasty voice telling me I needed to say more in my text to him, I just felt it all but took care of myself. He needed to know that in order to be with me he needs to be the provider, the care-taker, the LEADER. And a good leader never deserts his troops. Or his lady love.

    If he backs away there’s a chance you’ll never hear from him again. When you send the chill text that same chance is there. I think of it this way: is a man who disappears over and over really a man I’d want. NO. I want a mature, stable man.

    But more than likely he’s just feeling insecure right now for any number of reasons — including perhaps that he’s smitten! — so it’s all the more critical right now that you feel strong inside yourself. Standing up for yourself and expecting to be treated like the Goddess you are will not only earn his respect, it will inspire him to chase you! Be confident in yourself here because you are worth it!! I like Rori’s Paint Yourself with Love tool when I’m feeling uncertain or anxious. It reminds me that there are so many people who just want to GIVE to me.

    I see a huge red flag with the photos he sent you. For me that would be a total dealbreaker with a man that I’m just getting to know. It feels immature to me. If I did decide that it was a momentary lapse in judgement I’d bring it up for sure on our next in-person date — “I felt so uncomfortable when you sent me those photos. It didn’t feel sexy. Intimacy feels amazing and I felt icky instead of turned on. I don’t want to get photos like that anymore. What do you think?”

    If it helps, maybe tell your parents that plans are now up in the air? That you were really looking forward to the trip but that something came up and it’s out of your hands right now? For your daughters something along those lines too? And ask for their support?

    Wishing you all the best and the outcome is whatever you’re wanting it to be.



  29.  #29Labbit on November 1, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Or the too long; didn’t read version — no matter what the reason is that he’s being flaky, what he’s expecting is that you’ll chase him and nudge him and ask him all sorts of questions and lean forward.

    But YOU are a siren Andrea. You have confidence in yourself at depths that have been so inspiring to me! So don’t chase him. Back off completely. Do the unexpected here. CD with the world. Do everything you can to make yourself feel good. Whenever you feel uncertain, remember that he’s also uncertain. He just doesn’t show it the way we do. When he comes back you’ll be filled with confidence unlike anything you’ve ever felt before and you’ll feel safer in unzipping your heart, knowing you’re tree-trunked.

    If for some reason he doesn’t come back, he was insecure or a player or a man who wasn’t worthy of you. If he can’t put in the effort now he certainly won’t be able to years from now.



  30.  #30Labbit on November 1, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Azure Blu I’m so glad that you got to see Spirit! And yay for all the POF chatting you’ve been doing!!! Lots of chances to practice feeling messages and get taken out on fun dates…mmm…



  31.  #31Andrea on November 1, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Ohhhh Labbit and April Rose and Love to Dance.. thank you so much. Yes, I needed those reminders.

    I still feel the uncomfortable up in the air feeling, but i feel relief too that just riffing about it and getting feedback makes me remember this isn’t the end of the world. This is one man. One man amongst many. One lesson amongst many.

    Whew! I had a date with a new cd last night and it was very nice. And he’s been sending me messages all day about how much he’s taken with me. Though I’m not as attracted to him, it feels good and helping me get through this strangeness with Bob.

    Bob did text me this evening and he seems weary and uneager to communicate. I just texted back: I feel concern for you and thank you so much for replying. I feel happy and relieved that you contacted me.

    (and even that feels too leaning forward for me.)

    So, I just feel to let it go. And yes, Labbit, like you said, just explain to my family that it’s not as settled as I thought it was and let’s hope for the best. (and yes, part of my discomfort is that this really is a major epic date for only having known Bob for a month)

    I definitely will not go through this again. Even though I’m still excited and hopeful about seeing Garth Brooks live!



  32.  #32Starla on November 1, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I feel tension in my shoulders and back… i feel defiant imagining the tension evaporating like steam off my back. I feel curious noticing these defiant feelings. Feeling attached to the tension, it seems. I feel moved to tears realizing this.

    Wow, riffing is amazing



  33.  #33Starla on November 1, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    I feel constant resistance to self-care. i feel afraid of using the time it takes to do great self-care. I feel anxious about failing at life if I take that time.

    The great irony of it all is that I spend a measurable amount of time being unproductive; the time is there, but I vibrate resistance to accessing it. I just can’t consistently bring myself to do it. It makes no sense to me, because consistent self-care helps someone succeed, not fail, at life.

    Maybe I am afraid of success. I do feel tension in my whole belly and jumpy energy swirling around when I ask myself if I am afraid of success. I guess if I am successful, I am scared people will judge me and deem me not worthy of great success and attention. “Who does she think she is? She actually thinks she deserves her success and praise — what a fool!”

    I am a goddess; I want to live as one. I feel like it’s not allowed 🙁 I feel so sad now.



  34.  #34Emerson on November 1, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    (((Starla)))!!!!
    You’re amazing, xoxo

    Emerson



  35.  #35Indigo on November 1, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Andrea,

    You sound like you are doing great. I feel triggered by men like this as, for me, flakiness this early on is very close to being a dealbreaker. The p**** pictures would have made me take a giant step back.

    For me with a man, when everything suddenly starts “going wrong”, like his daughter’s car being stolen and his son being in ICU and he uses this as an excuse to shut me out or distance himself, for me this is not ok. A man I would want to be with would at least keep me in the loop of what was going on, and a man who valued me would care about how his sudden silence or flakiness made him appear in my eyes.

    I suppose what I’m saying is, proceed with caution whatever you do. For me this is not a small thing, flakiness is a big thing because of the insecurity and uncertainty it creates which you are experiencing.

    I suppose it also sparked me because this ex of mine who contacted me out of the blue on Thursday and wanted to be friends with benefits and I said no, and then wanted to meet for drinks to catch up. And then at the last minute had to “work” and so wanted to postpone. And then said he’s “let me know” about Saturday and I didn’t hear a word. I’m feeling very tired and done with flakiness. (Flakiness by the way was the reason I broke up with him in the first place.) I just feel done with people who can’t be bothered to pick up the phone. I feel the need to require so much more before a person can be in my life. Once in a while for something genuine is one thing, but I feel done with people who are habitually careless about others.



  36.  #36Victoria on November 2, 2014 at 4:06 am

    Andrea,
    My two cents about the p**** pictures – I have spoken with men about it and some think is just a nice gesture to show you whats in store and a way to invite you to send such a picture of yourself. And, amazingly enough, some women do send such pictures, and some men fall madly in love with women who do that. There are very many different people out there. I in fact tried to date someone who sent me such a picture a few years ago and he was not a bad guy at all, just very insecure and confused, and had way too many personsal issues ( like being unemployed) that my attraction could not be sustained.



  37.  #37Victoria on November 2, 2014 at 4:18 am

    I am having a difficult time with Favorite. It beats he that he lacks initiative and desire to bring our relationship foreward. He says he loves me, is madly in love with me, gladly accepts what i bring to his life (great s*x, companionship, ego stroking and having someone who is always always on his side). And he sais he wants us to do some things together but we never do them they always stay in the future. When i try to focus him he backs off … I had read about future-faking on another relationship site, and i think this is what he is doing to me.
    He is sweet and loving but I feel he is having a free ride on me. I need to make him understand that the things I give to him I do because I hope he could be my forever man, and if he is not, he will no longer have them. And I am afraid that he knows (while i just suspect) that it is not him.
    I know i have to lean back and just CD. But I also know that as soon as I get into very active CDing my love for him will decrease… And I know it is effective to draw him back but i feel like i am manipulating him when i do that. Will my forever man manifest himself as someone i would never have to lean back with?



  38.  #38Femininewoman on November 2, 2014 at 5:00 am

    How about rewarding yourself with Garth Brooks and think about the expenses after? Life has a way of supporting us and things always seem to work out. Who knows maybe even Bob would offer to pay?

    He might have scared the shi!t out of himself thinking about this huge step he has decided to take with you. I would not judge him, one month is a short time. He might even be insecure about the size of his package why he sent that picture. Who knows?



  39.  #39Shelly on November 2, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Hi

    I have a few of the series. Reconnect your relationship, Modern Siren and I can’t remember what the other one is right now

    I’m trying to decide on The Commitment Blueprint or Targeting Mr Right

    I’m trying to reconnect and correct things that I was doing …moving towards him, all the wrong things etc



  40.  #40Rori Raye on November 2, 2014 at 7:24 am

    Victoria – the thing is – it doesn’t matter what’s going on, or what he’s doing. The point of CDing is YES – to get BORED with a man who isn’t stepping up! That’s the point – and this way you’ll just “run into” a man who CAN step up! Leaning Back is a soft way of life – it’s a forever thing, not a strategy. Love, Rori



  41.  #41Andrea on November 2, 2014 at 7:28 am

    Yes… to everything all are saying. I feel so much better this morning. Bob again sent a text this morning, this time his boiler has gone out.

    I feel a little perplexed but am just going to dwell on my happiness that he did, at least, text me.

    I feel happy that he texted me because it gives me the opportunity to stop dwelling on it. I feel like it.. broke that consternating spell… or something.

    I still feel confused by his behaviour but it’s obvious to me that he has a whole lot going on.

    Yes, I intend to still go to the concert. The tix are paid for and with all his drama it seems like, if he would prefer to bow out, he definitely would help me pay for the trip. And he’s already purchased and given me the tickets.



  42.  #42Sapphire on November 2, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Andrea
    I loved your message a while back of when he helped with your breakdown if your a car and the vibe back then -lean back and see what happens. Men know when we thinking about them – so stretch the rubberband. Xxx



  43.  #43Andrea on November 2, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    Bob is an enigma and yes, I’ll just let him be. Right? He texted me this afternoon: “ouch, i been battling an infection on my gum just above rear tooth. I need antibiotics.”

    This, after the text about the boiler going out, after the son in ICU, after the vehicle got stolen… etc..

    I’m feeling kind of like just laughing about the whole situation. I have no response for the guy. So, yes, just lean back and hope for some kind of answer before Thursday.

    I can only laugh at this point. And just go back to my life. I feel angsty too because I have a big writing project due on Tuesday and it’s one that I’ve been kind of holding to my private self for quite a while now. It will finally be read by other people and I feel like I’ve been, deep down inside, fearful about that as well.

    I was wondering: does anyone know very much about, or play around very much with this idea of… you attract to your outside world, that which is going on in your inside world? I was just realizing how tornado-y I have been lately, my insides all bunched up in knots, and I feel it’s more because of my longing to have a career in writing, and how I’m needing to make choices about my future etc… And is it possible that that is what is showing up in my outer world, like I’m picking up on Bob’s whirlwind drama life, because deep down inside I’m having my own stuff?



  44.  #44Andrea on November 2, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    FW… !!! You know what? Thank you for your idea: reward myself with Garth Brooks and worry about expenses later.

    I feel a relief and whoosh of “Of Course!” I get paid only three days after my trip. And I’m just so in love with Garth Brooks. I could be at that concert all by myself and just be as happy as ever. I’m still uber excited that I finally get to see him live, and that’s all because of Bob. So, I feel like skipping again. Yes, I deserve a reward. I really do.



  45.  #45Sapphire on November 2, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Yes I agree with you and Rori says its all about us. So I believe that what is going internally is what is reflected on the outside.
    Azure blu made a comment above about learning back and Spirit feeling it. Is Bob reacting to your turmoil and reaching out to be noticed which is why he being needy. He could also be feeling embarrassed about the pictures.
    You have reached a solution so whatever happens you will get to the concert with or without Bob.
    Good luck with your writing
    Sapphire x
    Xxx



  46.  #46lovetodance on November 2, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    andrea…
    i did want to suggest you going to the concert w/or w/o bob when you first posted….

    but thought it was too soon to suggest that possibility….so glad thats on the table and you are excited about it….

    from my own experience….when i feel good and centered and grounded…that is what i feel coming to me from the outside…and if its not that energy…it still isn’t a problem because i feel so good…

    and vice versa…
    when i am in turmoil …the world seems such also….

    yes to your writing…i feel you are a good writer from what i have read of yours here….good luck!



  47.  #47Sophie on November 2, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Andrea – I don’t know about the inside outside thing, as in I haven’t formed a feeling-thought either way. However, I do know that I perhaps have a pattern of drama coming in at really important for me moments in my life and how it can focus me away from the really important thing for me – distraction or sabotage I don’t know. Your writing project sounds amazing. I hope you can keep yourself calm and focused and have all your energy to show up the best for that…is that advicey…hmmm…I don’t know, I guess I wish I could say that to myself when I’m in that place.

    And I agree with lovetodance if your writing is anything like the insightful and articulate posts you share with us then fab! (you may have yourself a platform already – right here :))



  48.  #48a woman on November 2, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Hello everyone! I was on the second date with a new guy, it was great and we got physical- lots of touches and kissing! And it felt great!- but then I find the nasty voice kicking in telling me I should be ashamed it’s way too soon to let him touch your breasts and blah blah.
    Sex actually means something like it means to men- simply pleasure. I don’t get more attached through it, not much anyway. It’s just a way to find out how hot a man is, and it is important to me to know that he can please me. I want to wait to have an actual sex though- but I’m not sure if I really do or is it just my nasty voice or what’s been fed by media that women should wait. And I really like this guy and there is some fear he might think I’m easy or someone who sleeps around… feeling confused.
    I use the tools with him and works very well, nearly everytime I use a feeling message he smiles, hugs or kisses me.
    I’m a woman who’s very into sex. I like being touched and kissed. I believe I might have a stronger sexual drive than most women. I never get physical to keep a man, I do it because I get turned on and it’s a way I express my sexuality and sensuality which I’m very proud of.

    Rori- should I stop myself from getting physical with a man this soon if I want a serious relationship with him ( sex or foreplay is nearly the same to men, isn’t it?)



  49.  #49teresa on November 2, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    I have been away from posting for a while now. I will be back…..



  50.  #50Dominique on November 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    a woman – There are no shoulds here at all. You need to do what feels best to you. If it feels right and it feels good to have sex, then go for it. A good man, one who is right for you, one who feels good TO YOU, will not think any the less of you if you have sex sooner than later.

    As shy as I’ve been and likely still am, I always had sex early on for various reasons, sometimes because I felt pressured, but not every time. And I’ve had mostly very long term relationships.

    With my K, we had sex on the third date and have been together ever since, over 12 years now, and our relationship continues to grow and expand, become more profoundly intimate in all ways, including sexually.

    So there are no rules here. 🙂

    xxoo



  51.  #51Violet on November 2, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    Hello Ladies… I know there are certain aspects to gauge whether a man is ‘interested’ in a lady. There is a man that is director of a singles ministry and runs the dances being held. He and I have talked on occasion and my take is that it is just casual conversation on his part. We recently attended the same function being held by another leader of the singles ministry. A male friend that I hadn’t seen in a long time showed up at the same event and I approached him to talk. The director man came up to me after my friend left and wanted to know if I knew him. He said he was asking because it looked like I knew him fairly well, and he hadn’t seen my friend at any other singles’ events. Now; I ask you… Does it sound like the director might have some interest in me; himself? My instinct tells me that he might be. However; until the director comes straight out and says something; I’m playing it safe by thinking he’s just being curious. What do you think?



  52.  #52Violet on November 2, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Re… ‘Entitlement’: Others may think or feel they are entitled to treat others any way they wish as far as it relates to being ‘intentionally ignorant’. They can think that. They can act on it. That doesn’t mean the person receiving this attention has to honor it.

    My point of view is that I determine what is or isn’t best for me. I won’t entitle someone else to make that decision for me. Thank you for reading this.



  53.  #53Indigo on November 2, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Violet 51,

    My personal take is, it’s not safe to assume a man is romantically interested in you until he asks you out on a date. Men have all kinds of reasons for seeking out our attention up until that point.



  54.  #54Indigo on November 2, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    Andrea,

    I have definitely found it to be true that our external world is either a reflection of what’s going on internally, or is a lesson that we need to learn or master in order to progress. That’s how that has played out in my own life. I am constantly amazed by the synchronicity of life.



  55.  #55Victoria on November 2, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Violet and Indigo,
    I have found it a useful working hypothesis that every man who speaks to me is interested until proven otherwise.
    Every man is a practice buddy :-). Like Azure said, so many men, so little time! 🙂



  56.  #56Victoria on November 2, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    a woman 48
    I really like how you look at s*x, I am pretty much the same way.
    Also, I can not know whether I WANT a serious relationship until I have S*x with a man. I would definetely not want a serious relationship with subpar s*x. That being said, I have also noticed that great s*x is not enough to sustain a relationship. Sadly. There has to be more between two people going on besides the chemistry. have dated a couple of men who were amazing lovers but were so defficient in the intelligence department, that I got very quickly turned off by them. Sadly.



  57.  #57Veronica on November 3, 2014 at 1:13 am

    Trying to put various thoughts or feelings down.

    How Funny and I grow together seems so intangible – the activities we do and the conversations we have are good and safe-feeling and yet I sense that those don’t quite make for what is happening between us. There’s this space that’s open and I don’t know what to do to move things forward and I have no idea how things will flow forward. I just have to trust, let that space be open. This is scary to know but I don’t feel afraid of letting that open space be.

    I’m increasingly becoming more sensitive as though I keep picking up the underneath things. I still struggle to separate them from my own feelings. I can’t stop picking up on the underneath things – for example, his mom’s internal world made of a mass of knots, pulling one thread gently just makes the others clench. And sometimes I feel uneasy because how do I check these underneath things without blatantly stating them?

    non-sensitive ways of communicating feels abrasive

    When I’m not tuning into me and taking care of my needs how I howl inside raging and want to flee.

    I really like his emotional maturity. I can sense his readiness for more of us to be realized.

    And the utter sweetness of my father saying ‘I hear a change has happened in your life’.



  58.  #58a woman on November 3, 2014 at 1:30 am

    Dominique: that sounds so cool and that’s great that things worked for you even after having sex soon. I have never been somebody who waits and that never has become an obstacle to get a long term relationship either. I guess it’s all about how we act after having sex- some women don’t change, some women change so much as if the man owns her his life after she’s given sex to him, or becomes a doormat. And we are all different, sex has a different meaning to different women. For some it’s really better to wait, for some it doesn’t matter that much.

    Victoria: I totally agree that it’s not enough for a strong and deep relationship. With my ex of 2 years we always had the hottest sex and even some deep emotional connection, but the communication between us usually sucked. Back then sometimes I used the tools- relationship improved and that was when the emotional connection developed (which even after a year of separation he finds hard to break), sometimes I didn’t do them ‘right’ and most often and worst of all I went back to my old ‘tricks’ and game playing. I’m so glad I have learned more about the tools now, so I can start this new relationship great from the beginning.

    I can’t stress it enough how much FM, listening to him mode and appreciation work! I wish I read the “Have the relationship you want” book earlier! What those tools do is amazing. The new guy has already shared some of his emotional personal self, uses FM himself and gives so much affection!!! He is smart, intelligent, strong, funny, little shy and sexy!

    All my life I was conditioned by my mother to treat men badly. She would say stuff like “it’s better not to fall in love, don’t ever fall in love”, or ” just use men, never let them close”. Before I was like- if I can make a man hurt, it means I’ve done a good job and he loves me. I wish I knew how far I was from the truth.. I can’t remember myself really appreciating or complimenting a man before. Now that I do it, I just love it. I find more and more amazing qualities about my date and men in general. The world started to seem a better place to live, the communications improved to a level I can feel men connecting to me, I can feel them being amazed by me.

    Thank you Rori for the tools you created. I feel very blessed to find out about them still in my young dating years



  59.  #59Indigo on November 3, 2014 at 1:44 am

    Veronica,

    I really love the gentle way you wrote your post number 57, and the sensitivity you have about intangible things. It resonates deeply with me.

    I SO know what you are talking about when you refer to “the space that is open”. I have the same thing in my relationship. I believe I, and he as well, have created this big space where he and I can both just be, and heal, and progress at our own pace, and it feels ambiguous, and so I don’t know what to “do” and yet at the same time it doesn’t feel scary to me at all.



  60.  #60Tatia on November 3, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Hi Sirens:

    I love this post by Rori because just like in dating, it’s about setting Boundaries. If you read Rori’s Posting Guidelines ( https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/guidelines-for-posting/ ), they gently but firmly provide the “flow” of this blog. And it feels good.

    We can apply the same “boundaries” approach in Love, Relationships and Dating. Know why you have a particular boundary (so it feels right to you) and then prepare a script so that you can always express it in a feeling message! I’m feeling sooooooooooooooo motivated by this! 🙂

    Love,

    Tatia



  61.  #61Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Veronica #57….
    Soft, sweet Siren…
    Such beautiful poetry you so gently share with us here on Siren Island…
    from my heart to yours… thank you…
    Also, thank you for the compliment on my real name…
    It was my Greatgrandmothers… I do love my name…
    :-))

    I feel happy to hear how you and Funny are doing well…
    I do like how your father shared his knowing…

    I examined your thoughts on the open space you and Funny have
    and Indigo mentioned this also…
    Is there a way you can explain it more?



  62.  #62Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 8:03 am

    veronica
    This is sooo important to ME to remember.
    “When I’m not tuning into me and taking care of my needs how I howl inside raging and want to flee.”



  63.  #63Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Veronica #57…
    These are my thoughts on that space…
    Sooo much emotional intimacy in such a short time…
    Is it 4 months yet?
    Maybe languishing in the intimacy you have NOW…
    luxuriating in all that is NOW…

    Coaches have said…it is about unfolding at a pace that seems safe for both you and Funny? seems to me you are doing that…

    I could be WAY off here… love to hear your thoughts…



  64.  #64Shelly on November 3, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Hi,

    I’m trying to figure out which series to get next…I already have Reconnect your Relationship, Love Scripts and Modern Siren. I’ve dated a guy for around 9 years and it went completely sideways…After listening to the different cds I can see where I’ve been chasing and overdoing..leaning forward and chasing him away
    I don’t know if I should get the Commitment Blueprint or Targeting Mr Right and possibly a private coaching session? Anyone have any ideas?

    Thank you



  65.  #65Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 10:30 am

    Shelly.
    I have found the private coaching to be soooo helpful and also such a GREAT support!!
    Especially since you already have the other CDs of Rori’s.
    I have been doing private coaching with Natalina and she has helped me move forward soooo much more quickly!!!
    Good luck lovely Siren!!



  66.  #66Shelly on November 3, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Thank you so much for the feedback. I’ll contact her for private coaching



  67.  #67Violet on November 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    @ Indigo and Victoria. I appreciate your feedback. It validates my take on the situation and also provides food for thought ie… ‘practice buddy’. 😉

    It wouldn’t matter if any man seemed interested and/or followed up on it. The truth of the matter is that I am in charge of deciding who and what is best for me. Thank you for reading this, Violet



  68.  #68Starla on November 3, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    I love the way this post is framed. It’s not “stop breaking the rules” or anything negative like that, but instead presented as a win-win in the positive. Taking notes for my own communications 🙂



  69.  #69purpleposeys on November 4, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Good Morning, Sirens..

    Thoughts for circular dating when married. Ideas, things that have worked, how to get out of my head and into my heart?

    I am struggling here with wanting to pull the pin (that is reactionary) and have got to find a way to get into my heart and take care of me.

    I feel I have hit a wall.



  70.  #70Indigo on November 8, 2014 at 5:00 am

    purpleposeys,

    I find the most powerful and easiest place to start is with my passions. What are those things that you love to do? What lights your fire? What interests or hobbies did you used to relish and have now fallen by the wayside? Alternatively, what have you always dreamed of doing? I find these are great places to start because they not only make you feel vibrant and alive, and make you feel like you are prioritizing yourself, they also put you in the path of other people, where you can practice interacting with an open heart, seeing how you feel. All of this widens your world and helps take the pressure off your relationship.



  71.  #71Kundan on November 11, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    What a great idea!
    I remember I used to be part of a Meetup group that had the same rule: no advice-giving.
    Instead, we would reveal how what the other said impacted us. Then, we would tell a related personal story about us in a similar situation, and how we responded to that. And how that helped us.
    Or sometimes, we would ask a question instead to further deepen our own understanding but also bring clarity to the other person.



  72.  #72Rori Raye on November 13, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Kundan, Though we don’t accept men on this blog (for many reasons – all emotional-safety reasons) – I wanted to print your comment because of it’s value. Thank you so much for confirming that this isn’t just a “Rori Raye” thing – it’s a universally accepted way of creating space, safety and openness, and a flourishing environment for groups. Love, Rori



  73.  #73Gear on November 24, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    I have a question, would like to get advice.
    I am circular dating. This guy called me, during our 2nd telephone conversation, our topic went to food and diet. (my favorite topic) I mentioned that I eat organic food…When his turn, He said, he didn’t see the difference in organic food, and he asked what’s the difference.
    I said, “I feel healthier when I eat healthier food, like organic food and non- GMO food.” He came back to protest there is no genetically modified meat, meat industry is strictly controlled and no one is allowed to genetically modify meat. while in my talk, I never mention GMO meat, but I mentioned I only eat organic chicken.
    I have been thinking today that “what is his message for me?” and “How can I best respond to him?”

    I have very healthy diet, and this has been a problem to me in the past with my dates. There is only a narrow band of men I can date for this reason. Even though some go with my restaurant choice, may not always respect my diet. I go with the flow if I can find what I eat from the menu.
    Now, from that conversation, I felt disregarded, I felt violated. Since that was the first couple of interaction, I didn’t want to confront or make it a big deal.
    What do you think about that?
    “what is his message for me?” and “How can I best respond to him?”

    Thank you,



  74.  #74Gear on November 24, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    Another man who I had been in a relationship for a few weeks always told me stories of this man or that man was so bad, or some women’s men were bad, like drinking, not working, etc. but the women loved them dearly. I asked, “Do you want to be the men you talked about?” He said, “No.” Then I said, “I don’t understand why we need to talk about other men.” I felt annoyed he talked about the type of men I had never had exposed in my whole life. He worked for government, that’s why he knew a lot of dark side of human and community. But I don’t understand why he brought them into the context of our relationship.

    I would like to get some insight of this, was he trying to make himself look better? I would not do that. I never bring up bad women for myself to compare.
    When this happens what is the best response from me?

    I felt like I was dragged to the dark side of humanity. My last relationship before him (last year), who was also working for government, was cynical about the bad men, and felt himself much better. I felt annoyed him comparing that too. What that says about me? Is that relationship troublesome or is it normal?

    What is his message for me? and what is the best way for me to respond that?

    Thanks,



  75.  #75Rori Raye on November 25, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Gear, Welcome – and here’s my take on things: I, too, have a VERY special diet, so I speak from common experience. If you make this the “centerpoint” of your interests – you will attract only the most mundane men. Instead – make it just a “sidebar” of who you are. Don’t TALK about it at all! If you’re dating a man who likes to eat hamburger and tacos and beer – and yet likes YOU, and perhaps gently ribs you but doesn’t make you feel BAD – this is GOOD!!! Go for difference – not similarity! Don’t go for what you have in common – go for the VALUES you have in common – like humor, and perspective, and sweetness and kindness and listening to other people talk…those things. Love, Rori



  76.  #76Kate on November 26, 2014 at 2:44 am

    Rori,

    Thank you for your response. Healthy diet has been a constant breaking point in my dating over the years. I feel what you said, and I am trying to see it from a new perspective. There was a guy I was still seeing three weeks ago, who was overweight. He took initiative on match.com contacted me 3 months ago, we had gone out twice but the 2nd time he took me to a restaurant where I couldn’t find anything to eat. (I didn’t know how to ask for what I want without being forceful or making him wrong) After that, I became exclusive with another guy, (before I knew you or read your no girlfriend policy). I knew he was a nice guy, but I didn’t feel physically attracted to him(he was overweight, in my opinion) and we had a couple of differences, one of them is diet.

    Three weeks later, the other guy and I broke up. And I got to know your programs from that time. I contacted him, after a week he asked me out again this time, I already learned feeling message, I practiced the whole time, after hiking he took me to a restaurant of my choice. I enjoyed being with him, he was a nice gentleman. I like the way he treated me. When he dropped me off at my house, he asked me “how do you like it?” And “will we do this again?” I told him I enjoyed the time being with him, I am feeling happy and yes, would feel nice to do this again.

    But since then, he has not contacted me. I knew while we were hiking, he was hugging me from behind, but I couldn’t turned around, as that would be too intimate, and I didn’t feel attracted to him enough to be that physically intimate- kissing. He was overweight. He was heavier than when I first met him.

    I know he is a nice guy, I like the way I was being treated, he is the south gentleman type. Communication with him felt so smooth, I felt heard, understood, respected, and cherished.

    I feel sad to have lost him, meanwhile, I really wish he would change his diet and lose some weight.

    I have not contacted him either. Doing the leaning back.

    What do you think? Is that me not contacting him caused the losing contact? Is this a guy that I should compromise with?



  77.  #77Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Hi
    I’m looking for help…please 🙂
    I’m trying to do the “bubble” I stepped way way back…my guy contacted me via email…he’s checking my Facebook to see what I’m doing. ..I just moved
    he emailed and said “please remove my/our photos from you Facebook”
    What should I respond back?



  78.  #78Victoria on November 30, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Shelly,
    I don’t know what you should respond.
    And, we are not supposed to be giving advice.
    My own feelings: the only time I have heard of a guy asking a girl to take down their pics from FB was because his wife was pissed seeing them.



  79.  #79Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 10:50 am

    OK
    he’s not married or seeing anyone and he doesn’t have a fb 🙂



  80.  #80Victoria on November 30, 2014 at 11:18 am

    How old is he?
    If under 20, this might be his attention seeking behavior, like hitting the girl you like at school 🙂



  81.  #81Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 11:25 am

    He’s actually 50..but you are spot on with the comment..it is his way to get me to respond. .I’m very thankful for him reaching out towards me with communication but I want to make sure I respond correctly. In the past I would have responded right away..and it would have been leaping towards him. I want to keep him coming towards me
    I’m just looking for the right thing to say back



  82.  #82Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Should I say those are my memories and it’d feel great to keep them …



  83.  #83Victoria on November 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Shelly dear,
    You can not control another persons behavior, for good or bad.
    I am personally right now doing the leaning back with someone I love, hoping that he will step up, and he isn’t. Check the newer thread and you will see my journey.
    Otherwise, the mantra here is to speak your feelings – so if you feel what you wrote above you should probably say it, but it is not right or wrong in terms of getting a reaction from him, but it might be the right thing to do if it is important for you to be honest and authentic.



  84.  #84Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 11:40 am

    OK thank you
    good luck with your journey ♡



  85.  #85Andrea on November 30, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    hahah… Shelly, I wouldn’t even mention the pictures. I would say deep down what I really feel.
    “Oh my. I feel so happy, floating, wonderful that you reached out to contact me. I like it that you’re thinking about me.”

    Isn’t that what’s really true? heeheh… do you even really care about the pictures?



  86.  #86Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    You’re absolutely right! I’m elated that he reached out to me….whatever he says or does!
    I don’t think he cares about the pictures either just a conversation piece



  87.  #87Liquid Light on November 30, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    I dunno, if it were me, I would take the photos down immediately. Why would I want to have photos up of a man that doesn’t want them to be posted? That feels humiliating. It also feels disrespectful if you don’t take them down, like its a bit of an act of aggression. I would also go radio silent and see what he does next. But that’s just me. Just my 2 cents.



  88.  #88Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    @ Liquid
    Because we had been together for 10 years…those are great memories and they mean a lot to me



  89.  #89Liquid Light on November 30, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Shelly, Oh you didn’t mention that you had been together for 10 years or if you did I missed it! I thought you had just met him recently.



  90.  #90Shelly on November 30, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    yah 10 years so a lot of memories 🙂
    If it was someone I just met I’d say good riddens..actually I probably wouldn’t post a new person on my fb.. too personal to post random people



  91.  #91Gear on November 30, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Since I started to read the ebook on 10/27, then bought the complete collection of program on 11/08, I have been watching, reading like a sponge. And I have been practicing. Last couple of days, I saw marvelous improvement in my dating life. I have been on line dating, dancing, biking over the holiday, met guys everywhere. But today, I felt blue again. B/c I felt like I have spreading everywhere, yet not seeing results.

    A guy setup a date yesterday with me for this Wednesday. I enjoyed talking with him. He sent me an email this morning asked my Christina plans, if I am traveling, also told me he and his dadughter’s plan for Christmas. I felt it was too early to talk about holiday plan. We have not even met yet. Plus, he is just 1 of the 11-12 potential guys. Or even 1 of the 50 guys that I will be meeting in next three months. (That’s my way to CD, anticipate by prediction, so I would not feel scarcity)

    From last 2/3 weeks communication, I felt he was a very nice guys, I felt drawn to him, always I felt very comfortable, the email, the communication, the call, the timing, how he calls…

    I replied this way, I don’t know if it’s too elusive and cold, or its good practice of leaning back. I would like to get your advice.

    “I felt great talking with you last night as well. I have been out hiking today. Feeling great just being outside. The weather feels gorgeous, doesn’t it?

    Would feel great to talk again sometime.”

    I meant to hear from him on the phone. But my message might not have come across that well.

    Any remedy? Any feedback?



  92.  #92Indigo on November 30, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    Gear,

    That message sounds wonderful to me 🙂



  93.  #93Gear on December 1, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Thank indigo, he actually called last night not long after I posted the message. Without me prompting, prodding…He said, “since….I figured I will just call.” Ha! He can figure it out himself! 🙂 even though I I didn’t hand over the torch to him. In the past, my boy energy will send the message right to the other person, as if that was the only way not to drop the ball. But in reality, that was a “ask, suggest, request, maybe even command…”

    Did I get it right? I feel unsure and uncomfortable just drop the ball outside of me, wihout handing over the torch. But I just forced myself do as what I learned recently. Any affirmation? 🙂



  94.  #94Shelly on December 1, 2014 at 6:30 am

    So I deleted my facebook…I’m really curious to know if someone he knows knows me…I’m really heavy hearted over it. Is it wrong to inquire if someone he knows knows me?



  95.  #95Gear on December 3, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    I went for a first date after a couple of months. I feel like he is still a cheap skate. took me to Starbucks at prime dinner time to drink coffee. I felt nothing, I felt relaxed, but uncomfortable, the starbucks felt loud, and I felt like on the spot, so after about half an hour, I said, “It feels loud, and I feel like on the spot.” He suggested, “Would you like to go out?” I said, “That would feel good.” We went outside, he wanted to sit, I was standing there, he said, “Which chair look better to you.” I said, “I would feel better not to sit.” He asked, “Would you like go for a walk?” So We went for a walk along the shopping plaza.
    After another 20 minutes seeing him not going to have dinner with me, I stood there and thinking about going back. He kept walking, and asked me, “Would you keep going or would you like to goback?” I said, Yeah, It feel good to go back. I am feeling hungry.” He asked me “You didn’t have supper?” I said, “No.” He said, “I would feel hungry too if I had not eaten.” I said, “Normally I go to the gym 6-7, cook and eat 7-8.”
    When we parted at my car, He said, “Would you like to meet again? if you don’t want to meet again, it would be OK.” I said, “It would be nice to meet again.” He said, “Next time, I will feed you.” I said while my facial expressed a little surprised, “Uh?” I couldn’t find a feeling word to describe my feeling. He explained that he meant feed me meant to take me to eat. Then I relaxed, and still couldn’t find a feeling word. Then I said, “Nice meeting you.” As he said something similar, I handed over the empty tea cup to him, and smiled. He hesitated for a minute and took it over said, “Oh, you want me throw it away.” I said, “Thank you.”
    Before I went on the date, I felt a little bit nervous, as this is the first in person date I have had since my brokeup a couple of months ago, and since I followed Rori’s program. I try to remember all the things I have learned so far, and be conscious and competent. I expressed mu feelings, most of the time. There is a couple of moments I didn’t know whether I should express my feelings.
    Not even 10 minutes after we sat down in Starbucks, he mentioned his daughter also learning yoga, I didn’t pick up that topic, keep moving along the topic of exercise and yoga. He is 53, divorced and I am 47 never married and no kids. I don’t feel good when men meet me talk about their kids the first few dates before they even know me. I felt defensive, I felt protective, and I felt unimportant. (these are the feelings I just figured out words to describe now, but not then. If I had to express my feelings at the moment, I probably will feel angry too. How dare you, tell me about your kids before you even get to know me or even buy me a dinner. But he said it very subtle and he didn’t mention it again, so my reaction was not as acute as the other guy on the phone. I journalized that I felt “Encroached, intruded.” Because he had not even met me yet, yet talked to me about his three sons. I felt angry about it.
    This was one place that I didn’t express my feelings, as I was still feeling through. another place was when he said, “Next time I will feed you.” at the end. Another place was as we walked outside, He mentioned about his divorce. I just pointed to the lights in the plaza, and said, “Look at the lights…” He didn’t mention again.
    After we sat down in the coffee shop, he mentioned his friend, a “She” told him she went for hiking, the same hike as I did on Sunday, he peaked her facebook see if I was in the pcitures that his friends psoted. He also mentioned another friend, a “She” again.

    I felt weird, I didn’t say anything. wasn’t sure if I were too sensitive or he was on purpose to mention me his female friends.

    Only after I decided to express my feelings and move out of Starbucks, I started to feel myself and expressed my feelings when I could find words.

    Any feedback? insights? or advice?



  96.  #96Liquid Light on December 3, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    Hi Gear, I had someone ask me out for coffee on Saturday night…what? Sometimes it feels like they test you to see how far you will go you know? Uggh. You sound like you are really aware of and in tune with your feelings. Don’t let him get by with it if it doesn’t feel good to you. First step is to know how you feel. Then you can take from there. So you’re doing great. Just my two cents.



  97.  #97Gear on December 4, 2014 at 4:52 am

    Yes, liquid light, it feels weird 7pm coffee date does not turn into dinner, doesn’t it? And he seemed very interested, and kept going, well, I announced I needed to go after an hour,

    For back ground information, we both are professional, and he has been in management of a big bank for many years, and has all the toys…financial is not a reason.

    After emailing, talking to about 15-20 eligible guys on 2/3 dating sites, this is the only one who asked me out. All the rest dead, a few I don’t know how to respond their email, as nothing for me to respond, if I really lean back, follow no effort rule.

    Any feed back?