The Better To Express Ourselves

Untitled design (14)

newSo here I am, standing on a stage in a small theater, with 20 people and the teacher in light in front of me and the lovely man in the chair opposite me playing the man in the scene for me (even though I’m doing a monologue, he is joining me on the stage to give me someone to work off of).

I’m doing a monologue from the film Minnie and Moskowitz (playing Minnie), and my sole goal up here is to be fearless.

All I want is to allow whatever emotions come up to come up. And I want everyone in front of me to be able to see them. I wanted to be completely exposed.  For them to see all of me, especially the darkest parts of me that show up.

And as I focus on the actor in front of me (though I’m the only one talking), and I feel myself speaking these words in the middle of the “preparation” I did for the monologue (making choices about what she’s really trying to accomplish here, what she’s trying to tell him, what she’s sharing about herself, what she wants…), and the fear and hopefulness and weirdness I feel up here — all of a sudden without even trying, I feel myself over taken by emotion.

Now, you have to understand this is not normal for me. My first response to an upwelling of the motion is always to clamp down on it. That’s why I’ve created all the Tools in Modern Siren about allowing your feelings to come up — Tools like “Fall To Your Knees” — that help you practice getting “into” your emotions without ever pushing them out in the old ways that don’t work.

So I’m here practicing expressing myself in Minnie’s words, aiming for expressing what Minnie wants while still feeling what I’m feeling. And this acting thing is very, very personal. The teacher is stressing how personal all this is. How unless we make it very, very personal, it’s not going to be as powerful.

And all of a sudden I feel myself gasping for breath. I see myself about to completely fall apart.  The words I’m saying are triggering me. I focus on breathing, on staying still, on saying the words, feeling the words, and letting it happen all by itself.  I focus on NOT STOPPING the process. And believe it or not, the lights and the people in front of me and the theater make all this EASIER!

How can this be? you ask. How can having people around you actually make it easier for you to let your feelings out? It’s because an acting class is a safe place to do this.
(Of course you have to have a good teacher, and I’m lucky enough to have found a supurb one –  her name is Judith Weston and we’re in Culver City).

In an acting class, everyone is there to support you doing this. Everyone wants to learn to be fearless. Everyone wants to get into their feelings and express them. Everyone knows that this is the highest calling of an actor. Everyone is trying to get past their emotional obstacles. Everyone wants to loosen up. Everyone wants to be in touch with themselves, and everyone wants to share everything about themselves with everyone else in this room. And we are all equally challenged.

Some of us have more access to our emotions than others. With all the work that I’ve been doing with Somatic Trauma Resolution, EFT, and every Tool I have developed and discovered and shared with you, I have, when I am in a safe place, a huge desire and some ability to be fearless. And it’s all about practicing, because I put myself in situations to trigger this practice for being fearless.

So how can you take this experience from an acting class into your regular life and work with it? Well I know that after only two classes I am much much much more expressive with my husband. I am much, much, much more fearless. So, you could take an acting class. You could take an improvisation class. And if none of that is available you can practice in the bathroom. You can create your own safe space in your bedroom.

So try this:

Write yourself a speech. Write yourself a monologue. Write it about a woman who wants something. And write about what it feels like to want that thing. Now memorize that speech. Now find yourself a safe place where you’re all alone. Imagine that there are people standing in front of you and lights shining on you, and that everyone is rooting for you. And now let the speech out. Share the speech and while you share the words of the speech, see how you’re feeling.

See if you’re going numb. See if you’re weaving around the room and leaning from side to side and moving your arms around. See if you can make yourself be very, very still. See if you can breathe while you’re saying the speech. Now let’s try some other things — and Judith is going to help us through me.

Write down some reasons why you’re saying the speech (and of course imagine someone in particular that you’re saying the speech to). Write down what it is you really, truly want to say — even if the words themselves aren’t saying those things.

And try some extreme ideas: try begging and pleading. Try trying to punish the person you’re talking to. See how the words come out differently without you trying to do anything when your objective is to beg and plead for something as opposed to trying to punish someone for something.

What this exercise can do for you is to help you see that the way you use words is completely flexible. You can even say I hate you too man without trying to punish him, or attack him, or plead for him to do something. You can say I hate you while what you really are trying to tell him is that I love you.

As you experiment with this you will see that the old ways of saying things and doing things aren’t necessary anymore.

Try this in your bathroom or your bedroom, and let me know that works for you and I’ll keep giving you some new tools as we go along, courtesy of Judith. (Oh if you live in Los Angeles and are interested in taking Judith’s classes let me know.)

Love, Rori

98 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on June 26, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    OMG Rori

    I feel in awe… mouth open… that is so awesome… omg I feel so good feelig so good about how im going to be when i have mastered this skill wwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    my mouth is literally open

    omgosh thank you so much…

    i can imagine myself engaging with anyyone without feeling even shy or worried about shutting down or being attacked and i feel so glad and good omgosssssssh

    yes

    i really like it

    i feel scared to try it right now



  2.  #2ann on June 26, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    reading from phone



  3.  #3BabyGirl, NC on June 27, 2009 at 1:08 am

    Rori, So much has happened since the last time that I wrote to you earlier this month. As of June 8th at 2:30 in the morning, my guy and I are a couple again…yeah!!!! I feel so many things! I feel happy, excitement, and fulfillment that we are back together. I also feel trepidation, anxiety and fear cause I don’t want to fall back into the same old pattern’s that cause us to break up in the first place. I’ve listen to the “Commitment Blueprint” cd’s. I’ve gotten through to cd 6 trying to glen some insight as to what to do in my current situation. So let me start at the beginning so that you can have a better picture of what’s happened with me and my guy and what’s happening with us now.

    Listening to your “Modern Siren” tools for almost five weeks since my guy broke up with me, I was feeling strong, confident, juicy and sexy almost all of the time! For weeks I listened and followed your advise on not making the first move and operating in a masculine energy with my guy; not texting, calling or facebooking. But for two days in a row something kept gnawing at me concerning my guy…something in my gut just wouldn’t let me rest and I could feel that something just wasn’t right! So early afternoon on that second day I sent him a text letting him know that I had hoped that all was ok with him and his family and that I was here to talk if he needed a listener. I know all that I did goes against what you have been teaching, but I just couldn’t shake that feeling. Hours later he sent me a text in response. He let me know that he had been released from his job a week earlier, and that he had just found out the day before that one of his good friend’s was hooked on drugs and how it tore him apart cause he couldn’t do anything to help him. My text response to that was, “Wow! You had to deal with all of that in the past week? Bummer!” Shortly thereafter he sent me another text asking if I would be willing to talk to him, even at that late hour? Now Rori, I know you probably think I should have said no but I didn’t. Now knowing that the gut feeling I had concerning my guy was right on point, I couldn’t say no! Long story short, I believe that a moment was created!!! By the time the conversation was over, he asked me to be his girl. Said that he wanted to get me moved down to where he lives, get me moved into his place and that all would culminate into a long-term relationship. I mean when he said it, I was so shocked that I didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever cause he sweetly began teasing me by counting the seconds it took for me to talk because the pause was so obvious. I just couldn’t believe that it was happening! I had to soak it all in before I spoke…lol! So of course I said that yes I would be his girl and that I would build a life together with him. But Rori now I’m confused as to what to do. He told me that his 1st priority was to get employment and get his bills paid down that began piling up since he lost his job. We all know what the economy and job market looks like today so he has yet to find one. He told me that he is not totally himself and probably wouldn’t be until his job situation had changed and he could begin getting his bills paid. Rori, I TOTTALLY GET THAT!!!! But what I’m having difficulty dealing with is that instead of us drawing closer to each, ie. him to me during his time of crisis, he is pulling away!!!! I know you said not to initiate calls and texts. And I have been good at not doing those things but, in this case should I take a masculine approach by calling or texting him to try and get him to talk about what he’s feeling and going through? Maybe even brainstorm with him on possible employment opportunities? How do I let him know that I want to be there for him, with him and help him not just when things are going well but when things are tough too? I’ve contemplated writing a feeling letter but not sure what that letter should express my feelings on. Should I express my feelings about the disconnection between us? Should I express how I want to be there for him? Should I try to get him to open up to me then once he dose, just listen in stage 2? I really need some direction here! Please help me! Thanks, Babygirl, NC



  4.  #4Winks on June 27, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Babygirl,
    A man’s career is a huge deal for him. All his masculinity is tied up in how successful he is at it. So he has taken a big hit by losing his job. It is totally natural for him to pull away during this time, not because of you, but because of his job situation.
    Stick with your leaning back! Don’t turn masculine right now. Rather than brainstorming and coming up with ideas for what he can do, only encourage him by saying you know he will find the answer and you trust him to do the right thing and you BELIEVE IN HIM to work it out.
    Give him the time he needs to become financially stable and feel good about that again. He already expressed these things, how he wants you and also needs to work these things out.



  5.  #5alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    i feel excited to read about rori’s art classes and acting classes. i feel a little envious. i feel a little stuck. i want to travel more.

    i feel curious and hesitant about this exercise. argh. i feel resistant. i feel like slamming shut a book. oooohhhh i feel hopelessness. interesting. i feel curious about this hidden feeling of hopelessness that is not at the surface.

    i feel daring to try a mini version.

    i want. hmmmm. which of my desires do i want to make a speech or monolgue about right now?

    ok. i want you to love me madly dammit.



  6.  #6alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    i had to scroll back up and read the suggestions in what to write.

    i want you to love me madly. i want you to take me in your arms and tell me you’ve been such a fool and you don’t know why but will i please plesse please take you back. i want to be your one and only. i want you to step up and work and sweat and give and row in an attempt to make me your one and only. i feel angry. i feel disgusted. i feel like spitting on you and knocking you on the head. i feel like punching you and stomping on your toes. YOU ARE A FOOL! you are an idiot! a jackass! a cretin! a lowlife! a loser! I HATE YOU!!! Why on earth would i ever want to date a fool like you? a FOOL! anyone who would ever let me go is the biggest fool on the planet. why would i want to date the biggest fool on the planet?? ugh. you make me sick. to date you would put me in the class of fooll too.

    look at this quandry you have caused me to be in. don’t you see how you are complicating my life! what is wrong with you? what on earth is the trouble with you? i send you away. come back. i hate you. i send you away. you fool you fool where are you going?

    please please please you girlyman please become gruff and demandin me to be yours. please start rowing the boat. please don’t just sit on my horse like dead weight. let’s go ride off into happiness. it is all just waiting for us. why are you just sitting on my horse trying to figure out



  7.  #7alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    how to fuck other women? what is wrong with you you silly uselss child get off my horse get off my horse you are weighing me down. I HATE YOU! i hate you i will always hate you. why don’t you love me?

    ugh. i feel disgusted with you. i feel like trampling you with my horse. i feel worn out and tired with this back and forth, coming and going. ugh. be gone. don’t go. i hate you. i demand that youu love me. DO YOU HEAR ME? I DEMAND that you love me properly and goddess like. bring me flowers now you little love slave. flowers and jewlery and cars and road trips and surprises and all day all the time you think of nothing but howw to please me. ugh. get far away from me. those things mean nothing if i mustd demand them from you. i feel worse than having gotteen nothing form you. i’d have been happier with a money order and you gone from my space. GO! go. out of my goddess air.
    oh NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW YOU COME CRAWLING BACK. what is wrong with you, toxic clueless man. what on earth and in heaven’s name is your problem?

    yes. i will be your girl. finally. goodness. wait where are you going.?



  8.  #8Daria on June 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Alias girl that is pretty awesome. Thank you for sharing… I feel delighted and amused and I feel like healing is happening



  9.  #9Linda on June 27, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Feeling… feeling. I am tired of certain feelings. They are always lerking, hanging to overtake me. You know the ones that remind you that you are alone all the while knowing that you are not knit together to be alone…I will never like it, love it or desire it. EVER!

    Spending another Saturday doing things you had to do instead of something delicious and fun with someone you really want to be with. My present reality bites and is a constant companion. I hate my present reality. I used to hate myself but I have grown so much, like myself now, have learned to be authentic and genuine, know my value, am even optomistic…. but I still hate my present reality. I am a terrible actress. People at work even tell me that I dont have to say a word, because what I am thinking and feeling is written all over my face. So I guess it does not get more real than that!

    THere is nothing wrong with me. I am genuine and honest and caring and communicative. That is not unhealthy. Being open, loving, giving and warm is a wonderful way to be. I want to reap the things I sow…because it is so true.

    I am not worried about my future really, just too focused on it probably. I am just ready to share it with my someone. Be significant to my someone. Desired for me and how being with me makes them feel by my someone. I am waiting for my someone to show up and snatch up the treasure that I am.

    Linda



  10.  #10Linda on June 27, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Alias Girl!

    I love what you are writing…. it inspires me to scream out…

    WTF! you foolish, clueless, selfcentered, shallow, issue ridden, emotionally unavailable, indifferent, insecure, fear-ridden, MAN!!!!

    WHo do you think you are!….Telling me on day you love me and the next that I am not enough ???!!! One day telling me that we should throw in together and get married and the next not even contacting me? One day telling me “I am yours sweetheart” and the next sending me away accusing me of pursuing you and that you aren’t going to settle… and you still want to date others….

    Fine… I am gone.You get your desire.. You will NOT hear from me again! You do not have the option of returning and doing this again EVER! You might think you have the option of not saying a final goodbye, but I said it. You made it clear when you sent me away, telling me you wanted it ALL… you STUPID man… couldnt recognize it when you had it…. and you just sent it away!

    Go ahead, look all you want, try for the rest of your life. Date and f**k all the women you want. When you get tired and and come to the end of yourself, you will remember. You will remember again the “gentle face, beautiful hands, caring lap, discerning spirit, wise words, of the giving woman that you sent away…. the one who walked away with her head held high, self esteem in tack, and the soft words of “I do love you” on her lips… being true to herself inspite of how you treated her. You will remember again and again.

    ………. thats my script. I feel better.

    Linda



  11.  #11Symantha on June 27, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Rori



  12.  #12alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    linda. i feel amused and moved at the same time. i feel moved. i feel honored to read your script.

    i feel strength reading it!!!!!! yae! thank you!

    hmm. i also feel torn. i feel curious to my new path.

    thnak you daria. i feel healing too. 🙂



  13.  #13Erika on June 27, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    I feel happy that some men apparently enjoy that I am demanding and sassy, this makes me smile …

    I feel intrigued by Rori’s speech idea but a little unsure which direction to go in … perhaps I’ll go mountain biking up in the mystical hills and meditate on it.

    I feel like saying AG’s name over and over again just to be rebellious and a pain in the you-know-what, but I’m not going to do it cuz I’d also like to be respectful of boundaries and I want everyone to feel safe on here. I feel amused though about this rebellious part of me and hope others are able to share in my amusement and see the lighter, sillier side of all this.



  14.  #14Erika on June 27, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I honor this rebellious part of me that wants to stir the pot. I honor how it is saying, “we need to stir the pot. otherwise the soup is going to burn to the bottom. we need to stir the pot.”

    Lol, I feel lightness and beauty today. I feel happy when all voices can be heard.



  15.  #15BabyGirl, NC on June 27, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Wink,

    Thanks for that advise! I know that his masculinity is tied up in how successful he feel. I just feel so helpless right now cause I so want to help him. He’s pulling away! I know it’s not because of me but he’s not reaching out for me to help him work through this either, even if it’s just to talk things out and get it off his chest. It just hurts cause it seems that he would rather do everything else but reach out to me, the one person he should feel comfortable falling apart around. He’d rather zone out playing online games till wee hours of the morning, hang out with his boys and flirt with other women. I don’t know what to make of all of this! I know I should lean back but it’s so hard when I see all of this going on. I often use my “Modern Siren” tools to feel and release the frustrations so that when he does call/text me, my vibe is genuinely loving and supportive. I don’t want to add to his frustration level by spilling all of my sudden insecurities all over him when that is the last thing he needs!! *sigh*

    Thanks,
    BabyGirl, NC



  16.  #16Linda on June 27, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Baby Girl…

    I have been thru the same thing you are experiencing very recently.

    Who knows what is going to happen. I certainly will not say but I do I know the roller coaster ride you are on. It is a ride from hell. (I wrote a script earlier venting)…

    The things I will suggest to you are not easily done but here goes….. Let it rest. Dont text, call or contact. Dont overfuction while leaning back either, meaning dont let it consume your mind. Do however examine how you feel about this. Be honest, protective and love yourself. Keep yourself your goals and what you need first. Yes he has problems, yes he was warm and told you all those things, yes he has feelings for you, yes you could help him, be there for him. However, just as true is, his withdraw, and the other things you mentioned.

    You offered to be there, responded to his invitation to be his “girl” etc etc. whole heartidly I am sure…Thing is it sounds like he is not following through. So..after you put yourself first again … When he calls , say what you need and want to say, even if is not what he would want to hear. Be true to yourself, goals and needs.

    Women want to believe and go on what mens words are because we are wired for words, however, it is their actions that truely speak for a man. Believe what he does not what he says and you will maintain a better sense of what is real. That is not to say that what you have spoken about wont become reality, I am just saying that right now it is not.

    For me, he said lots of things and withdrew. I simply maintained who I am, but became DONE with the yo-yo. I desire and deserve more than that. I want a man to be there for me too, adore me and want to be with me, more than he wants to hang somewhere else…. this guy could come back.. but things would have to be very different and he will have to step up to gain my attention again and prove his character is what I am looking for in a partner. Is he capable?…yes, would I like that? yes… will he?…I dont know. He just could no longer occupy a place in the front row of my life/mind.

    Linda



  17.  #17Winks on June 27, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    That’s good Linda!!
    BabyGirl, are you circular dating? Does he have any challenge to win you? Or does he believe you are sitting home waiting for him while he’s out doing what he wants with the guys?



  18.  #18Tracy on June 27, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    Alias…..i feel inspired to write down my own feelings and say them out loud too….
    I feel confused about you and me….i feel uncertain about us and about the future….I feel that i needmore i want more that you could ever possibly want to offer yet i still feel attracted to you….I feel that you need to step up and claim me and say those those three beautiful words…..
    I feel love and affection for you…yes….but i want a man who is mine…who was meant to be mine and who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me…I don’t want to chase after someone…..i don’t want an affair and i dont want confusion…..i want whats mine by divine right….I want to enjoy my love and affection and i want to be happy with him,who is willing to share in my hapiness….
    so i am letting go….I am letting go of the feeling to lean forward and come to you…I am letting go of trying to create situations for us to be together…i am letting go of all the explanations i have in my head of why i should keep trying to make us work…I am letting go of the belief that you were the one just because we were intimate….
    Instead i choose to believe that this was a fabulous lesson for me and this was a loving experience that brought me to a greater place….a place where i feel more love for myself and i feel more intouch with my feelings….I can now feel the love and compassion within myself and i feel the serenity.I know that i am getting better and better each day and i am attracting the life i really want to live….I am attracting the reality that i really desire….



  19.  #19alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    i feel a faitfulness and a hopefulness reading your script tracy. i feel resonance and compassion. i feel gratitude for all the sirens on this blog.



  20.  #20Daria on June 27, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    I have a rambunctious man and am feeling challenged to hold on to myself and ask for what i want…

    i feel turned on by him in a very consistent way… i think its his voice… or just his energy…

    its like feeling kinda wired

    and i feel scared of it

    maybe im not allowing it to feel good because of that

    i dont want to drive to him

    and i do want to see him

    so i missed his call (i was gonna drive there) while i was working out

    and now im not calling him back

    cuz i feel scared

    and i feel weird

    like im his bootycall

    although he says im not

    it still feels like it kinda

    i feel interested in training this one

    what do i do…

    im gonna lean back

    i feel sad

    its ok

    to feel sad

    i love my sadness

    and that feels like

    being abandoned

    and i love my abandoned feeling

    and i feel (like i sometimes do) im putting myself in his shoes and feeling disappointed

    but im here
    in my “non shoes”

    it feels tense
    and zingy
    and kinda jumpy and uncertain here

    i feel anxious]\\

    i love my anxiousness

    and that feels like

    disappointment, excitement, fear

    i love my disappointment, excitement and fear

    and that feels like

    numbness in the front

    i love my numbness in the front

    and that feels like

    well i pretty much feel afraid that if i dont call him back hes gonna feel disappointed think im a flake and not talk to me anymore

    which would feel sad

    this must be a trigger

    fuck what hes going through, im leaning back

    i can do this

    whoa that felt really agressive to write

    i feel off balance

    i feel kinda down

    i love my down feeling

    i want to be adored by men and feel totally Goddesslike with them, on the phone or in person

    thank you Angels

    hehe



  21.  #21alias girl on June 27, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    i feel a sadness. i feel trapped in my cage. my life is great. today i went hiking and got my toenails done (! yae! for me this is an act of prosperity). i spent some time trying to figure out how to start a blog and once i do how to turn the comments to OFF.

    what my life is is great. but since i want these other things (friends, a boyfriend, travel etc) i feel my thoughts constantly pulling to what i SHOULD be doing or what i’m NOT doing. 🙁

    i had this psychic person doing these infusing things to me and she was trying to track how far back in this life she needed to go to get to a palce where i felt safe. and i just laughed out loud. she kept going back and back 19 yrs ol, 15, 12, 11, 10, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ok she said – from conecption: 9 mos, eight etc all the way to the point of conception. ok she said how manylifetimes do we need to go back to find a point where alias girl last felt safe. she found me somewhere in england.

    i feel so unsafe. i feel so unsafe. and i am sooooooooo strong developed from being or feeling unsafe for so long. m and i am intutive. very near psychic.

    but when it comes to forming relationships i feel bad and uncomfortable and i don’t yet know how to change this. or maybe if i just stopped focussing on what is lacking in my life. sometimes i guess i don’t know. i slip back.

    i feel better having written it out. maybe i should write another script.

    please please please be my friend. please care for my feelings and respect me as a human being. please make time in the conversation for me. please truly care for me. please don’t betray me. please don’t sleep with my man behind my back. i want you to like some of the same things i do. i want you to understand when i get triggered it is old stuff so please be patient with me. please don’t take my take my sharp edges personally. let’s have fun. let’s have fun together.

    i feel sad.i love my tears. i love my honesty. i love my beauty. i love my complete incapacity to let people in. i love all my feelings and experiences.



  22.  #22Daria on June 27, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    ok u know what… if he really wanted to see me he woudl call back… and make it better

    i feel mad…

    i dont like feeling like im fitting into a man’s program and replaceable

    i dont like feeling like im expected to mess around with him…

    i dont like feeling like theres nothing special prepared for me

    i feel guilty because i know he was gonan take a shower and get ready

    i still feel unsatisfied

    i feel scared

    trigger

    i dont have to know why… and it doesnt have to make sense

    it just didnt feel good

    and thats enough

    nice

    cuz i like this guy

    but it didnt feel good

    and he kinda acts “entitled”

    tho hes cool and nice and all that stuff

    i feel drained right now

    he knew i wasnt coming because i was hee hawing

    kewl

    hes not insisting

    he must have someone else

    punk

    i feel amused at my triggers

    i am clearing them right now “as we speak” with EFT

    i feel glad i follow my feelings….

    i myspaced ny guy… he was on his way to a party… he said he missed me
    then he had to go

    i miss him too
    and i miss the guy from tonite too
    and i miss the guy from indiana coming back tomorrow

    i feel annoyed that theyre nto taking more forward steps

    or that theyre not ina position to

    i feel comfortable with my openess to meeting people aand enjoying

    again today i was in lots of nature places… and i put my feet in the ocean… and i hung out by my house by the water…

    mmm

    also i just did my tummy exercise… and i brushed my skin… my magic stuff



  23.  #23Daria on June 28, 2009 at 12:04 am

    ok so he called again. I told him some truth… i told him i feel weird and triggered… by him..

    i feel better

    i kinda feel like visiting him now but i dont want to use my current sandals because they stink and i feel embarassed having stinky sandals at his house

    i feel angry that he doesn’t like feet

    ok i just eftd that

    that he doesnt like feet
    not that i dont know what to wear



  24.  #24Tracy on June 28, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Thank Alias for the encouragement….I feel that i am really learning to get in touch with my inner self and it feels great.



  25.  #25Tina on June 28, 2009 at 8:30 am

    I woke up yesterday morning and I told myself another lie. It’s the same lie I’ve been telling myself, really. I told myself ” I wasn’t good enough”. Who knows, maybe it is true. I”m not sure what that feeling is, but it sits in my head, it spreads to other parts of my body, like a cancer. Like a vicious, agressive cancer. I can identify my feeling as low self esteem but somehow that name doesnt do my feeling justice. The name low self esteem doesnt feel right to me. ok, so maybe its discouragement, I feel discouraged.

    When I feel this way, I do nothing – literally nothing. I want to stay home and take care of my garden or not. I hear that “we create and attract things and people into our lives. If this is true then I created and attracted my kitchen faucet that only works when it “feels” to work. Oh, It just occured to me to look for my gratitude rock to shift my feelings. ok I will do that now. be right back.
    1. I am grateful for my coffee
    2. I feel grateful for my fingers
    3 I feel grateful for my eyes
    4 I feel grateful for my computer
    5 I feel grateful for the leaky kitchen sink
    6 I feel grateful I can think
    7 I feel grateful I can breathe
    8. I feel grateful I can feel
    9 I feel grateful there are people around me
    10 I feel grateful for wanting to start a business
    11 I feel grateful for my rock

    I feel to want only kind people around me today. Nice people, I can’t take much bullshit today.



  26.  #26Tina on June 28, 2009 at 8:32 am

    I cant take much bullshit today, I’m sure there is a way to switch that around. I want to surround myself kind loving people today yes that sounds much better.



  27.  #27Erika on June 28, 2009 at 11:48 am

    I feel happy that I can now say to a man, “this is what I want, and I’m not settling for less. if you don’t want to offer this to me, another man will. I’ll stay on my path.”

    I feel happy that when a man says “I’ll have a baby with you,” I say “that’s wonderful and it’s not enough by itself.”

    I want everything. I want a man who is offering me everything. Permanent partnership, baby, financial security, adventure, bliss, chemistry — I want it all. I didn’t come this far to settle for less.

    I want to surrender. I want to feel his emotional strength so powerfully that I can surrender into total trust. I want a man who can hold every feeling I ever have without collapsing. I want a man who knows how to love all my parts — the rebellious part, the sassy part, the soft surrendering part, the “needy” part. In his arms, I become whole again because all my parts are accepted.

    (I feel nervous saying that last part. I feel I’m expecting too much. But I’m weary of expecting too little.)

    This means that he takes care of things. He takes care of little things like opening jars and helping me with his computer. And he also takes care of big things, like making sure we have plenty of money. I can relax. I can trust. I can stop feeling the urge to compensate for his weak parts, because he doesn’t have any weak parts.

    Like me, he has realized that he is unlimited. All-powerful.

    I want a man who is so committed to me that I trust him with everything, yet is so sexually powerful that other women come into relationships with us. I want to explore together. I want to move together into new situations and new frontiers and connect with him through each feeling that arises. I want there to be no jealousy and for me to feel always safe knowing his permanent devotion to me.

    (I feel my heart flutter saying that.)

    I want this now. I’m tired of waiting. I don’t fall in love with men’s “potential” anymore. I fall in love with what is real and here now.

    I want to wake up beside him every morning for the rest of my life.



  28.  #28Erika on June 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    I noticed I wrote it about “him” instead of talking to him directly as “you.”

    So now I focus it on specific man: “this is what I want from YOU” (gazing into his eyes to see if he can hold his gaze steady with mine)



  29.  #29alias girl on June 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    i feel so much cleaner and lighter and hopeful and powerful to be in gratitude. thank you tina for the reminder.

    -i feel grateful for my health
    -my hands and feet and all my body parts and how they all work together.
    -rori’s tools and the ability to shift my feelings and focus and be with myself
    -newfound feelings of goddess self love and cherishment and adoration
    -better abilities to draw boundaries and take care of myself,therby increasing my feelings of safety
    -arrows of energy and attention that i receive from men everywhere
    -i feel so grateful for my job and steady income
    -kind people i meet who help me
    -all the cool material goods i have
    -i feel grateful that i live where i do. i really like this area of the country
    -my hobbies and interests
    -my adventures
    -good food
    -variety
    -being alive
    -money
    -all the people who have come into my life
    -healing
    -baby steps



  30.  #30Ann on June 28, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I feel thankful for Tina reminding me to be thankful today.
    I feel thankful for my family
    I feel thankful for my friends
    I feel thankful for life
    I feel thankful for breathe
    I feel thankful for for food, clothing shelter
    I feel thankful for my internet
    I feel thankful for all the sites I visit.
    I feel thankful for the people I email
    I feel thankful for to be able to use all my 5 senses
    I feel thankful for to be able to learn
    I feel thankful for all that is shared on the sites I visit
    I feel thankful that even in this state of not knowing how we will pay bills or get the things we need they’re still being met day by day
    I feel thankful to be able to say I feel thankful



  31.  #31Daria on June 28, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    i feel angry, numb, betrayed, hot, squeezed in my tummy, disgusted, disappointed, incredulous, afraid, stuck

    i feel pulsing under my chest, i feel tight lips and top of head

    i feel worried of getting sickwith anger

    i feel awful

    i also feel good, calm, relaxed, rested,



  32.  #32Daria on June 28, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    I feel like the more happy I get the angrier my family is at me.

    They’re angry about me going out at nite… even if it happens to be 9 pm.

    They’re angry about me not working 8 hours a day.

    They’re angry about me not working.

    They’re angry about me not having money.

    They’re angry about not meeting my friends.

    They threaten to throw me out all the time and I feel like I have to have one foot out the house. I don’t have anything in mind where to stay except the local shelter which fortunately I think is pretty clean and decent.

    They don’t actually help me with my company… I want a logo right now… they just scream about whether I have “done” anything.

    That I don’t do nothing.

    They’re very dramatic. They accuse me and want me to agree with lots of self esteem destroying things.

    they ask questions like

    “At least if you don’t want to agree that you’ve been torturing us for the past 10 years you can agree that you’ve been leaching us of lifeblood and you’re a parasite”

    Using feeling messages makes them very angry… like look at her… how dare she say anything… she’s shameless… shameless i tell u

    The more I have stood up for myself they more they agress me it seems like.

    I feel awful… I feel disappointed… I feel gross



  33.  #33Erika on June 28, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Daria, I sent you a private email.

    In my experience from EFT and NVC, guilt and anger are reciprocal emotions. I often felt guilty as I made progress along this journey (like, do I really deserve this?) and then I’d receive an anger backlash from someone else.

    I have found that clearing my own guilt will also clear the other person’s anger. (similarly, clearing my anger will clear the other person’s guilt.) It’s a little woo woo but it works.



  34.  #34Chanel on June 28, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Wow Erika, that what you want from a man post was very powerful. It really made the gears in my head turn.

    I’ve been settling.



  35.  #35Daria on June 28, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    sooo…

    as I sat upstairs and listened to my mom yell from downstairs about 15 minutes worth of trigger after trigger…

    I tapped on my EFT points…

    and instead of feeling like a frozen trauma bunny that is absorbing all the negative stuff and replaying it in my head and chest…

    I kinda feel like it was neutralized or something… I basically feel stronger right now and Better than before…

    very cool…

    am planning to use Erika’s idea to tap on guilt … and hope that dissipates their anger

    turns out most of the anger seems to be about me not working… and how I “have to” work and struggle to be successful…

    (and that i have no dreams for the future… then later that my dreams are silly… anyways I feel angry thinking about this)

    anyways i’ve been thinking about getting a job at a bookstore or as a waitress – thanks Gina and Nikita for suggestions…

    also I might have a new client

    it feels like a lot of “mirror” stuff going on because I’m being told I should step up for myself and not be around people who put me down… (while to me this is what’s going on with the person talking!)



  36.  #36Marplot on June 29, 2009 at 7:44 am

    So what do you do if a guy wants you to loose weight or change you some how. The current guy i’m going out with wants me to weigh less than 120 and I’m 5’5 with a medium frame. I weigh 150 right now (I used to weigh 155). Now lots of people have been bugging me about my weight- not just him (and exspecially my mom)- to the point that it drives me crazy. I have already told him that I’m starting to feel resentment when he does that.

    He weighs 120 and is 5’5 and he says that he strongly believes that men should weigh more than women. We went into agreement that I would try to weigh 125 if he would try and gain 10 pounds. I have already lost 5 pounds and he has given up on trying to gain weight. I just felt like if he wants me to make all these changes- then he should put some effort into self improvement too. I don’t always want to be the one that feels like I should change.

    So I basically want to know, what do you do if the guy wants you to change? How do you figure out when to leave and when to make the change? Should I just start spending less time with him ?



  37.  #37Erika on June 29, 2009 at 8:05 am

    Marplot,

    Hmmm … sounds like a lot going on there.

    If I had to guess, I would guess you are judging yourself for your weight, so those thoughts are being reflected back to you from other people (the mirror thing that Daria mentioned). EFT used on the uncomfortable feelings about weighing more than him would probably work. I don’t know if Rori has a tool that she’d recommend for something like this.

    My policy on change is that I never change FOR another person because this only leads to resentment. Listening to other people’s opinions too much is crazy-making because everyone thinks something different. I listen to feedback from everyone, and then I check in with myself and my own values and decide internally whether there is something I want to change.

    Do YOU want to lose weight? And if so, why? Because it would FEEL better to YOU?

    Personally, if a guy criticized my weight, I would tell him where to get off. But then again, I feel comfortable with my weight.



  38.  #38Daria on June 29, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    I FEEL SO ANGRY I JUST WANNA SMASH SHIT>>> I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

    I FEEL HATE

    /AND WANTING TO CHO?KE P?EOPLE

    OMGHOSH

    I FEEEL SO MAD
    URGGGGHH

    I HATE YOPU FOR TORTURING ME

    IURAWEITJakosdrw[ le



  39.  #39alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    i feel good to have reclaimed my own energy. i feel very pretty. 🙂 i feel so much more light and free. i feel very good about my now. i feel relieved. i feel excited for what i will create with this new way of being.

    marplot. how do you FEEL? i feel curious how you feel about all this?

    i don’t know how i would feel. it would depend on so many variables. maybe i would feel angry but also relieved that i am getting the universe mirroring back to me things i might think about myself. but i might also feel insecure and judged. how do you feel?



  40.  #40alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    i feel a surge of amusement bubbling up my spine. heehee. i feel a desire to have MORE men crashing on my shore. i feel amused. i feel inspired to let them want to be in my goddess mist. i feel smiling inside. i feel ok to remain curious about my bordeom with most of them. maybe i can liven’em up with my feeling messages. or maybe i can just find my own livelihood while in their presence? i feel unsure. my feelings of boredom feel better than my feelings of disgust.

    i feel good to focus on joy and amusement. i feel a desire to create a party of amusement moment after moment for now. until i change my mind.



  41.  #41Daria on June 29, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I feel an underlying feeling of anger …

    and of cutoffness from enjoyment

    i feel like turning around in circles

    I feel bleleehiy



  42.  #42Daria on June 29, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    let me try this:

    I feel disappointment… i feel tightness in my right shoulder… I love the tightness in my right shoulder… and that feels like… tightness above my mouth… and i love the tightness about my mouth… and that feels like squeezing in my solar plexus and a sigh I love my squeezing and my sigh… and that feels like a lil smile and pushing up the top of my head… I love my lil smile and pushing up the top of my head… and that feels like
    LOTS OF Anger.. I love my lots of anger and that feels like … tingling in my head and top of my body , pouting lips and stuckness, squeezing in my chest… I love the tinglign the stuckness the squeezing in my chest… and that feels like a lil smile… I love my lil smile and that feels like… frozen scowl face… I love my frozen scowl face and that feels like… more frozen scowl face… I love my non moving scowl face and that feels like… tightening eye and tingling… I love my tightening eye and tingling… and that feels like a lil smile and i love my lil smile and that feels like squeezing in my solar plexus and i love my squeezing in my solar plexus and that feels like… AENGER… And I love my anger and that feels like beating the shit out of people and i love my desire to beat the shit out of people and that feels like… frzone face and I love my frozne face andt hat feels like… tightness on the left side of my face and I love the tightness on the left side of my face and that feels like pinching on the right side of my hip and i love the pinching on the right side of my hip and i love the pressure in side my chest and i love the squeezing of my left shoulder and i love feeling like im gonna pop and get sick… thank you feelings… I love my FUCKING FEELINGs…. I feel so mad

    urgerburger

    will keep trying

    I feel like lying down and giving up I feel like cutoff from joy I ffeel not allowed to feel joy I feel like my fingers feel tingly and heavy and i love the tingly heavy fingers i feel

    u know i can give myself props for even trying to feel these feelings yay

    good

    for me

    i just rule

    i feel so sarcastic

    I feel so powerless

    I feel so tense in a weird way

    I lvoe my sarcasm, my powerlessness, and my tenseness

    I love feelig threatened and unsafe… BULLSHIT

    I love my bullshit feeling… I love my rage… I love my sarcasm… thank you

    I feel pouty lips and i love my pouty lips

    I HEATA

    I love my pouty lips and taht feels like sighing and I love my sigh ]and the anger I feel in my chest and that feels like… I AM A COWARD And aLOSER and I love my nv… thank u for trying to protect me and I love my NV”s going crayz right now… I love my pouty frozen lips and that feels like closing my eyse… I love my closed eyes and that feels like… genearal apathy and tooooooo apathetic to type I love my general apathy and my too apathe\tic to type feeling… and that feels like… i wanna die… and i love my i wanna die feeling] and that feelz like frozen pouty lips and squeezing in my head and temple…

    I don’t want to feel better becuawe then I won’t have this anger which is punishing those people that made me angry…
    but im stuck with it

    this sux

    I feel unpowerful

    Im the unpowerful junkie

    ooh i lik ehtat

    the Unpowerful Junkie

    I wanna be the Unpowerful Junkie

    that sounds powerful

    hehe

    i feel like giggling and smiling…

    I love my giggling and smiling… and that feels like more smiling… and I love tightness in my ehad…
    I love how I CANT FUCKIN PAY PPL TO HELP ME GRRRR

    I love that I am manifesting money right now right right

    I lvoe how I am not as worried about it as i have been in the past…

    i feel tight on my side and i love the tightness on my side and in my jaw… and that feels like blankness… and i love my blankness.. and that feels like weird tingliness in the left side of my head down my body and that feels like… oh thats right… I love my weird tingliness and that feels like… squeezing in the fingers of my right hand… and that feels like…

    I HATE THEM

    I HATE BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED

    I HATE BEING ATTACKED FOR BEING MYSELF

    I HATE

    I love my hate and writing that felt like a sigh… I love my sigh and the pressure in the middle of my forehead… and that feels like… more stranger pressure in the middle of my forehead… and I lvoe the strange pressure in the middle of my forehead… and that feels like sighing…

    And I love my sighing and that feels like… scarecrow body just sitting in position limp and lifeless and unconnected and unexpressive and I love my scarecrow body feeling… and that feels like squeezing in my jaw and the middle of my forehead, and in my right shoulder… and i lvoe the squeezing in my jaw in the middle of my forehead and in my right shoulder…
    and] that feels like yawnign… and i love my yawn… and that feels like squeeizing in my midle tummy and I love the squeezing in my middle tummy and that feels like more yawning… and i love my ywaning…

    and that feels like… squeezing on my left knee and I love my squeezing on my left knee and that feels like BIG yawning and I love my big yawning and that feels like huhhufff thru m ynose and I love my huhuff soudn and that feels like smiling… and I love my smile and that feels like more big ywaning… and i love my big yawning… and that feels likepulsing in my right side and I love the pulsiing in my right side and that feels like squeezing in my jaw and i love the squeezing in my jaw and that feels like a HUGE yawn and I lvoe my huge ywan and that feels like huhuuh and I love my huhuh sound and that feels like laying head to side and feeling sleepy and i love my laying head to side and feling sleepy and that feels llike more yawning adn i love my ywaning…



  43.  #43alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    i feel excited about daria’s yawns and riff. i feel good to read healthy releasing and rebalancing. i feel many yawns all day as i sit my this toxic tent. 🙂

    i feel amused. i feel extremely grateful for my amusement. my two favorites things to feel are amusment and sexual excitement. yes! i love sex. i feel a desire for much more of it. since i kicked my exes to the curb i have not had any. my onw ex called my on sat but didn’t leave a voicemail so i didn’t feel inspired to call him back. i feel interested in having sex with him. argh. then i just felt a pang of guilt. argh. i feel angry at my guilt of having to care that he cheats on his girlfriend and so i am the one having to draw a boundary to protect her. i feel angry. rgh. rgh. rgh.

    i feel better to just stay in the moment right now. back to my feelings of appreciation for amusement and sex!



  44.  #44Daria on June 29, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    lol

    i feel amused

    i just had sex with a guy who has his baby’s mom all over his myspace page and they have a young baby

    but it felt kinda good… now I feel a lil like eh…

    like it felt good but i feel more interested in a regular partner to explore with with no side partners… because im assuming he’s still having sex with her



  45.  #45alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    mmm yes i would feel GREAT with a guy all to myself to explore sex!!!! yes!

    i feel guilty. i don’t know if i would want to be monogamous to him. hmmm. maybe. rgh. i feel scared of expecting a man to be sexually faithful to me. that feels like a bear trap i could walk into and find myself upside down and hanging from a tree. i feel safer to not get locked down in false promises of sexual faithfulness. i feel a tiny bit sad over my skepticism. but not too much.

    i feel horny.

    i feel AMUSED!



  46.  #46SillyLittleGirl on June 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    I know I’ve never commented before. But I feel like this is a safe place and I want to write my monologue.

    I’m moving in a month and a half.

    I feel so encouraged by all the energy in these comments.

    I feel sad. I don’t want to move! i don’t want to move away from all my friends, and my man. He loves me. It feels silly to call him my man. I like how it feels silly. I want to call him that more often.
    I want him to take charge more often. I need to learn how to lean back. It’s hard to just relax and let him lead, but it feels so soft. It makes me feel so beautiful.
    I’m tired of making excuses for myself. I want to be comfortable to just tell everyone how I feel. This is harder to write than I thought, but I love how hard it feels to write it. I feel angry.

    I feel angry that … I don’t know why I feel angry.

    I feel angry that I’m so powerless. I have to move, we’re too young. I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you, I want to grow old with you. But we’re young, I’m not even graduated yet! (just one more year) And I’m not like your sister-in-law. You’ll have to marry me before I’ll move in with you. But I really should finish college first. And so should you! I feel so powerless with the world for everything I have to finish. I don’t want to have to do all this just to be with you.

    I feel hopeless and sad.

    I want you to be always thinking about me. I want our relationship to get bigger again. It feels so good when our relationship gets bigger.

    It felt so amazing to just tell you everything last night, and listen to everything you told me. I felt so silly, and scared. I felt comfortable, and soft. But i don’t like that you think I act more like a tanktop, shorts, and a ponytail, then like my soft baby-doll sundress.

    Writing all this makes me feel so feminine, like my soft baby-doll sundress. i want to go change, but I feel silly for changing so late in the day.

    I wish I didn’t feel silly telling him how I feel about things. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of feeling silly. I love how I feel so afraid. It makes me feel safe.

    I don’t want to feel safe!
    I want to feel like I’m walking around naked! I want to feel like my heart is naked!
    I feel so powerful when my heart is naked.
    Writing this makes my heart feel naked.
    I feel like I should be quiet. (go put some clothes on!)
    I feel like I shouldn’t be telling any of you all this.

    I feel silly for calling my heart naked.

    haha! I can’t believe how much I’ve written. I feel embaresed for writing so much.

    I love my embaresed feelings.



  47.  #47Daria on June 29, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    yay… my ex which is the last time to get called my ex right now…

    just called me
    he’s been trying to reach me but i’ve been busy although he begged me last time he saw me to pick up his calls

    but he hasnt been leaving messages so i didnt return his calls

    well he just called me and hes all like u want me to meet u dont u

    and i told him my desire of smoking in the hilss or going to see Transformers the movie

    and now he’s working on making that happen

    I also told my mom downstairs

    “yay im starting to feel happy again.. time for u to attack me”

    i guess thats my passive agressiveness coming out… im starting to feel better

    i sure hope husbands are easier to handle than parents…

    i feel concerned that if i “just move away” this issue is gonna resurface in my future relationships

    I feel rah and i feel good too



  48.  #48Erika on June 29, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    LooOOOoooL, bear trap hanging upside down from a tree.

    I am hungry for sex. I want it now. But only on my terms, dammit!

    I don’t think I want exclusivity, too much fear in policing it. I’d rather my guy come home, give me a big kiss, casually walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator and tell me about the girl he banged in the alley on the way home.

    All the time knowing that he is permanently committed to me.

    I feel very rebellious saying that, and that feels liberating. I feel like telling anyone who would judge me to “F” off. I feel impatient that this man is not already standing in my kitchen right now.



  49.  #49Erika on June 29, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I feel frozen and locked up. Like my head weighs 500 pounds. Like my head is so heavy that my neck can’t support it anymore.

    I feel like my sexual energy is locked up somehow. It wants to break free now but doesn’t know how.



  50.  #50Erika on June 29, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    I feel like I’m in a tomb with rigor mortis. Like every muscle in my body has stiffened up and hardened. Like I’m encased in concrete. This feels really bizarre. I’m going to meditate for a bit.



  51.  #51Daria on June 29, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    I feel worried about Erika’s man kissing her and telling her he banged some girl…

    I feel not good about it… I feel confused about the commitment…

    sex feels like an important part of that for me…

    I would not want to police a man in any way… I feel open to him GLADLY and gratefully wanting to only bang me…

    I can really see how that would be easily possible now

    I feel interested in Erika’s heavy head feeling… HEy! I know that feeling hehe



  52.  #52Erika on June 29, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    I went deep into meditation, like I went under a big dark wave crashing over me.

    Now I still feel really heavy but more supple. My mouth feels dry and sludgy.

    I don’t like “exclusive.” I don’t like excluding people cuz I don’t like being excluded. I like being included.

    oh there’s the concrete head feeling again. more meditation …



  53.  #53Daria on June 29, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    ohhh that feels like an interesting thought… i don’t like excluding people because i don’t like being excluded…

    exclusive doesn’t hold the same meaning for me I guess…

    a guy the other day told me I was exclusive… meaning top super duper

    I feel like exclusive sounds good to me…

    I can see how it would sound icky if i thought of excluding people…

    I feel too in my heady about it… right now

    I feel open to meeting people and having sex while I’m dating

    I feel open to other’s people explorations and visions and interested in them



  54.  #54Erika on June 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    it’s like we’re living in France. everyone has lovers, lol

    I’ll have lovers, and my husband will have lovers, and we’ll have lovers together. but he’s permanently committed and devoted to me. everyone is invited. everyone is included.

    the more the merrier.

    more meditation now …



  55.  #55alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    i feel i am on a new horizon. i feel in charge of my energy and thus my destiny. i feel a shift occurring where i am shedding old behaviors and sadly, old relationships.

    i feel very encouraged though.

    i feel very excited to consider new relationships.

    i feel very very pleased that a good job and way of living feels inevitable. i feel grateful.

    i feel sad that i do not feel well-skilled to help people directly. but i am not living in anyone else’s body/perspective. i can only do what works for me.

    i hope that my living my life to my fullest potential of joy and love and bliss is enough.



  56.  #56alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    hmm… i feel weird just to keep posting my feelings but whatever i always feel weird.

    i realize i have old family issue of punishing people by not allowing them to have my sunlight in their life. i feel conceited. oh well. but if people betray me or treat me poorly i feel good to cut them out of my life. i feel good and strong and safe and protected to do that. i feel glad that they can no longer have my good spirits around.

    but then since i feel betrayed or mistreated by Everyone at some point then eventually i have excluded everyone and am left with just me and me. until i find new people to repeat the pattern with. hmmm… i feel annoyed. haha. i feel annoyed At Others of course.

    i feel better if i could just have puppet friends. i would pull their strings and they would say nice things and do nice things for me. and i would never let them be dumb or mean or weird acting.

    🙂 i feel amused. i feel honest but also amused.



  57.  #57alias girl on June 29, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    i put my picture up to be rated on my dating site.

    i seem to be five-sixish. phsah. whatever.

    except two women voted on me and they both voted me a two. nice. thank you ladies. why so harsh? am i really so hideous? a two. i mean what’s a one? and i am only one step away from a one? maybe a one is a cyclops. but because i have two eyeballs, i escaped the lowest rating. hrmph.

    i feel good though. i never wanted to put my picture up before because i felt afraid of being judged. now i feel free of other people’s judgements of me. i feel beautiful.

    i feel goddessey.



  58.  #58Tina on June 30, 2009 at 3:28 am

    Maybe I’m not saying it right
    I squashed my finger, I had lotion on my hands
    I asked you to put a band aid on for me
    I felt ignored, I had to ask again
    I felt angry, I said “fck it I’ll do it myself”
    you said ‘what?”
    I said “fck it, I’ll do it myself”
    I’m typing with my bandaged finger
    you rolled up the window with my finger stuck in the window
    you said it was my fault , I was careless

    I’m in pain and your blaming me
    I said ‘remind me not to call you if I get sick or in the hospital.
    Does this mean we dont make good long term , forever commitment material?.
    I’m very aware that there are people suffering in the world, I do know that.
    I said to you “my ex always took great care of me when I was sick” I didnt care if I told you , your not my “forever” anyway so what does it matter. I am also very aware of his violence. He did take care of me , He rubbed my feet every night! he put hot towels on my back! the massages were awesome! He called me his goddess. My back feels pain Oh I miss those hot towels. I just remember the good stuff, every night after my shower, he would have the lotion ready for my feet.
    I miss that part. I just wanted a band aid on my finger. I told you all this , you have no feelings for me anyhow, I am not your ‘forever’ You’ll buy me an osculating fan but you wont put a band aid on my finger unless I feel angry about it.



  59.  #59Daria on June 30, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Remember how I wanted to manifest 300 $ for my bills this month?

    well my friend’s uncle who didn’t even know about this just called and offered me 300 $ to advertise and sell his new puppies online…

    And I have a new tutoring client. For MY OWN company that I found MYSELF through a man that chats with me online that likes me…

    what I said was…

    It would feel great to have some clients…

    or

    I want some more clients

    something like that… and he suggested his cousin who is a college student and needs tutoring.

    So the Goddess manifesting is going well.



  60.  #60Daria on June 30, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Hey Tina…

    how about asking for waht you want… I don’t know if it will work but… it’s been working for me… stating what I want without necessarily NEEDING him to do it…



  61.  #61Daria on June 30, 2009 at 11:28 am

    I meant like… oohhhh… it would feel so great to have some hot towels made and a backrub… kinda thing…

    mmm… that does sound Goood…



  62.  #62Tina on June 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Daria,
    I just wanted a band aid on my finger lol. The whole ex thing came up for me,he did take care of me however he was violent, I seem to forget that part about him.



  63.  #63Tina on June 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    I was furious that my “boyfriend” ignored my request for a band aid on my finger.



  64.  #64Tina on June 30, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I’ve heard a couple of women I know say “he is a keeper” I just feel not cared for around him. I feel to criticize him. I feel furious at his lack of attention to my squashed finger. I feel like bashing him on the head with that “imaginary rock” lol.



  65.  #65Tina on June 30, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I feel furious and sad about the whole thing. I felt so angry I told him my forever man would put a band aid on for me – the thing was I had lotion on my hand and couldnt get the band aid on myself. There are worse things happening in the world than my squashed finger, it just pissed me off he didnt do it until I got angry about it. I dont feel to talk to him right now, My feel pain in my back now from sitting at my pc making greeting cards – side business. oh I need to exercise today. I have to clean my bed room , that is my plan for today.



  66.  #66Linda on June 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Tina
    It is totally right for us to want to be cared for. If he doesnt offer that simple thing, (compassion)… wow what character does he eminate that compensates for the lack of that. It seems pretty basic to me. I am mad for you… being a mom, I would have run and got the neosporin and a bandaid!

    Erika.. it seems you have put into words what I feel I need too. It is not exact and deviates a bit but it is quite similar.

    I want a man who is a man not a boy pretending to be a man. Emotional strength is paramount. I want man who knows how to love my intuitive part, my head strong part, my demanding part, my frisky-playful part, my little girl part and my soft giving understanding part. I so miss the “feel” and “fit” of a man in my life, emotionally, and physically.

    I too am not going to fall for the” potential of a man” but only one who is being the man I need. The changes I have made in my life have been huge! I am absolutely committed to having him in my life.

    I woke up this morning and that still small voice, greeted my first waking thought. He said to me, “no more Possers”… I smiled in a quiet confidence. He knows that wants, needs and desires of my heart . Maybe I had to meet the men I have so I can recognize that is real. Like that old television show..”will the real….man for Linda, please stand up”…….!

    I am challangeing myself to be emminate and be the things that I desire in a partner. So that he will be drawn to me cause I am tired of looking for him. I can spot the counterfiet now… my journey continues. No turning back!

    Hugs ladies! Linda



  67.  #67Karen on July 1, 2009 at 2:09 am

    Rori,
    I feel the need for some help with verbal and emotional abuse- both as a recipient and as an abuser. I wondered if you could pretty please post some more about how to make boundaries clear and how to Stop (short of biting off my tongue) before returning verbal abuse in a nastier and more abusive way than he is giving. I can feel (a miracle in itself) that the baby steps are getting me there, but I am still stuck on some issues.



  68.  #68Tracy on July 1, 2009 at 2:29 am

    I feel happy today.I feel excited about life and i feel that everything is going to be okay.I am feeling better and better as days go by and Rori’s tools have realy helped me get in touch with my inner self and i feel more inspired to learn more about myself each and every day……



  69.  #69Symantha on July 1, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Karen,

    Rori’s Toxic Men program is spot on for the situation you are going trough.
    Really helps with the dianamics and patterns that have been building up between you.



  70.  #70cookie on July 1, 2009 at 2:57 am

    I have been staying away from this blog due to all the drama but I’m drawn to this site and feel a sense of community here so I’m back… Funny enough I was on the train today writing a letter that feels like a speech. I will write one on here. I feel so freaking triggered.

    Dear Shaun,
    I feel so fucking angry right now I can hardly breathe. I feel hurt and undesired. I feel ostracized. I feel alone. I feel the rest of the world moving forward and having the life I want to have and me being left behind in the dust. I feel envious. I feel the memories of so many people that have walked away from me choking me to death. I feel unworthy. I feel judgmental. I feel like that I have placed you in a box assuming that you were incapable of giving me the love i wanted, thinking that your pulling away was your way of dealing with your abandonment issues, telling myself that if I kept taking care of you, sticking by you, loving you, allowing you to return in my life would make you love me, appreciate me, value me, keep me. But I was terribly wrong. So wrong. Now i feel lost and abandoned. I have placed all my love into you. My love doesn’t belong to me, it belong to my students, my family, and you. I feel angry because I gave all my love away to you and you continue to reject me. You don’t want me. You will have me around as long as I can take it. You used to cry for me, couldn’t stand the idea of me leaving but now you don’t give a fuck. Or so you say. And I’m tired of feeling rejected.

    And you know what I don’t feel like focusing on my career right now. I feel like I put in the energy to begin to start making money for the past four years that I have been waiting for you. I don’t feel like pretending and chasing money when at the end of the day all I want is someone to love me and cherish me and want to spend the rest of their days on this planet loving and wanting me. I want a man that sees me as more than good enough for him, that views me as the queen of the universe. I want a man that knows that I’m a rider and that I could handle him and his shit and that I could weather the storms with him, that we are partners and not competitors and that together we can get through and accomplish anything and everything.

    I thought you were that man and now you are pulling away. I helped you reconnect with your family, I pushed you to have a relationship with them, I encouraged you to fulfill your dreams and have helped you to accomplish some and now this? Now you can tell me after damn near 8years that you are not into the relationship thing right now and that I could leave if I needed to because you don’t want to hold me back. BASTARD! That feels like more rejection.

    I feel so much hurt in my body, I want to strangle you and kiss you at the same time. I want to know and understand why you won’t love me. I want to see the future and what we are doing 5 years from now. Will you still be loving me or will you be gone somewhere else with some other woman being a husband and a father to her. I feel jealous. I feel unsure that I will be in that same place. I can’t imagine someone will love me that much sometimes. I know it is my own shit kicking up but I can’t help feeling inadequate sometimes.

    I can’t write anymore this is bringing up too too much. i just cried my eyes out and I’m exhausted.



  71.  #71Symantha on July 1, 2009 at 2:58 am

    Tracy, there’s something special about today! You are the 3rd person after myself that have felt the same for no reason LOL.
    Blessed day!!!!

    Symantha



  72.  #72Rori Raye on July 1, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Welcome, Silly Little Girl, and thank you for your beautiful comment. I look forward to reading more…Love, Rori



  73.  #73Daria on July 1, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Cookie…

    I feel so heavy and sad reading your letter. I want you to be happy!

    Maybe you can try riffing the feelings and telling htem you love them… (see SillyLittleGirl’s comment above… where she repeatedly says… I love my hopeless feeling, I love my embarassment).

    Also Circular Dating… I feel so triggered thinking about your situation because i reemmber wanting to be with this guy that was like my best friend for like 6 years… only to have him now have a baby wiht another woman and when i pulled back he now doesnt contact me even though he owes me money from when i helped him with something.. ugh



  74.  #74alias girl on July 1, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    silly little girl i feel so loving reading your comment. i feel so happy to witness bravery in the face of hesitancy and feelings of embarrassment.

    i feel embarrassed often after i write something here. then i push the submit button anyway because i feel magical transformation by doing so.

    thank you for sharing. i feel appreciative. i feel appreciative for all the sirens on the island.

    cookie i feel hopeful when you post. i can feel the shifting. i can feel good feelings in your soup even when it might appear murky. i feel good to witness people come into more and more self love. me too. i feel uplifted by this blog. 🙂



  75.  #75cookie on July 1, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Thank u alias girl for respondin and I feel in agreement w u about my heaviness n sadness. I feel both these emotions weighing me down something awful. I feel like I wear these emotions on my chest neck and back. I do acknowledge them but feel in how to love them. I am fighting my instincts to understand them in my brain but I can’t connect to them, they hurt too much to even feel them.



  76.  #76alias girl on July 1, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    so one guy i am talking to online is a cop.

    a different guy i am talking to is a gangsta. he done did time for armed robbery.

    AND today i went in a visited my falafel guy. he is either clueless or just not that into me. or? i don’t know. but i really feel so Good to see him. and when i left he asked me for a hug. and i just wanted to like haul him over my shoulder and carry him home with me. is that too leaning forward?



  77.  #77alias girl on July 1, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    cookie. i feel compassionate. i could only feel what i could feel when i first started. i often felt overwhelmed. i felt like there were some many big feelings trapped inside. i felt so much sadness. or sometimes i felt numb. and then when i really got better at feeling my feelings i connected with a huge amount of rage. scary rage.

    i felt scared to feel all those things but sometimes life would give me just enough to heal baby step by baby step. and i also found my way back into therapy that specifically deals with feeling and releasing rather than talking.

    i feel supportive of you cookie. i feel love.



  78.  #78Daria on July 1, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    I feel high. I also feel really good. I forgot what I felt like before I felt stuff. Get it? Haha… I feel squeezy nose and tears… I feel good I feel squeezed in my nose and neck and throat maybe… I love me right now… I have the house to myself. oh by the way I meant im high like pot. I dont want you guys to think im like way on drugs or something. Anyway I feel good right now. I say I’m high when I drink alcohol too. I feel so weird writing this right now. IT feels like the top left part of my head wants to screw off and fly into space propeler style… and my neck into my head is tingling… I feel like its about to take off in outer space… whoa… I feel defensive… I feel attacked by my judgement voice aaah my kidney side hurts on the left hmmm and my chest feels palpitating and i feel poked in my chin and i want to feel good i feel ashamed… i love my ashamed feeling… i feel rebellious i feel angry i feel my knee hurt i feel like beating somebodys asss heheeee no im not really laughing i just feel high on anger right now… whoa… i love plants and i want to ask this collective if they will make special rolling papers for me that are good for you to smoke they are leaves of this plant called mullein and i dont think i could grow enough myself but maybe at the collective they will want to do it as a special project…

    i feel so defensive like no one wants to hear the musings of a drug addict Which I am not and I feel provoked and triggered uff I only smoke weed damn why do i have to go through this bullshit i feel angry rarghh…

    i dont even fuckin smoke ciggarettes…

    i feel like im in the middle of my own novel
    i dont give a fuck if no one wants to hear it
    but i love you guys that want to hear it anyways

    i feel so oooo weird and triggered about bloggy acceptance

    omgosh

    i feel crazy

    because im on like an online floating journal floating between my castle tower where i am like rapunzel to some other place through the sky… and like genies and magic carpets are flying around… and we are all goddesses that can read the magic online floating journal…

    that is so freakin tight

    i feel like we are in teh bible or something

    i hope i dont trigger anyone i feel so good and mean everything in a positive way positive is not even strong enough for how good i feel really

    so yeah i feel sooo happy in my world of magic online journaling…

    i think ill stay here for a half hour and journal…

    omg

    it feels so good that i can do taht

    i can do that if i want to yes
    yes
    yes
    yes
    yes
    yay
    i feel good
    i feel self po\werful
    i do what i want
    which is sit here
    and watch my words appear in front of me
    on a computer screen
    making a very interesting pattern
    like a high ass poem
    il love me
    and my weird art
    and my emotionalness
    i feel like im freaking quivering
    whoa
    i feel like im gonna explode or somehting
    lol
    ok i didnt
    i was gonna have a freakin emotional orgasm
    im so crazy
    woo hooo
    hooo
    hey have you ever wanted to be an outlaw
    you know like that outlaw movie
    like
    my favorite movie in childhood
    was the cartoon robin hood movie
    with the fox
    and shit
    omg
    that shit was so tight
    i am crazy

    the way i talk is crazy right now
    whao
    waaa waaa
    wwaaaawaaa
    im just hanging out with myself righ tnow
    in my online computer world
    and yall are about to see it
    hehe
    when i hit send
    what what
    whaat what whaat
    song in my head
    yeah
    yeah yeah
    i feel so happy
    i am sooo ashamed
    of feeling happy in front of you
    i freakin feel mortified actually
    but i cant really pay attention to that
    because im so happy
    but i love all of me riiight
    right
    yup yup

    i feel silenced
    my nv has silenced me
    i cant type
    its too much
    i feel chocke
    fuck u nv
    im going down
    no im back up
    i dont have to stop
    i have nothing to do
    i am a loser
    ha
    they cant take the computer away from me
    i have this
    yeah
    i feel like im chatting with somebody but im chatting with myself
    this will be the weirdest post ever
    i should be a crazy writer
    no one will want to read my shit
    i hate myself i guess when i say that
    i feel so embarassed of what im writing
    but im writing it anyways because i watnt
    to
    i feel great struggle
    urrrr
    my hreat feels like its beating fast
    i want to love but i feel sooo scared
    i feel like im attacked anc cornered an all sides
    i feel crazy
    i am sooo crazy you gusy damn
    ok
    i am back to normal
    i am revealing way too intimate feelings
    no wo9nder i feel vulnerable
    i feel amused if my mom reads this
    that will feel supers cary and also crazy
    i am crazy
    im writingmy secrets on an onlnie blog
    what it do!
    haha
    hahahahahaahhaahahaha
    i wasnt really laughing just smiling really hard
    i feel my eyes all teared up
    i feel stonewall anger
    i feel punched in the tummy or something like that
    i shoudl hit send already
    maybe i should save this for myself
    i can send some other stuff
    more relevant
    toomore people
    than my thoughts
    i feel crumpling
    like im being pulled in to the middle of my tummy black hole
    and now i stretched and i feel like a snake



  79.  #79Daria on July 1, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Alias girl I too am talking to an online cop hehe that is crazy. Also gangsta. haha.

    wow.

    crazy.



  80.  #80Daria on July 1, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I meant someone else is gangsta.

    I feel so embarassed even saying this.



  81.  #81alias girl on July 2, 2009 at 12:27 am

    heehee. i feel trippy and amused with daria’s let-it-all-hang-loose post. 🙂

    ahhh daria. i feel free reading your ranting and your raving. i feel INSPIRED!

    i tol the guy i don’t want a Real gangsta. i want a pretend gangsta like they have in the videos. he said no, ma, i ain’t no rapper. i used to be a real gangtsa.



  82.  #82alias girl on July 2, 2009 at 1:09 am

    also cookie. or anybody. a while back rori did a series of posts on self esteem and getting what you want and feeling your feelings etc.

    It starts with a post called: Stop Solving Problems and Get More Love

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/9/

    people can start with that one and then proceed through chronologically by date moving forward from that first one. and if you also read the comments also people can see how rori tweaked the process.

    i swear this should be it’s own ebook! this process helped me immensely and that is what you see some of the goddesses on the blog doing sometimes with all their feeling statements.

    we didn’t do it all in a day. we did it bit by bit as rori posted and tweaked.

    sometimes i go back and read rori’s old posts. i feel very helped by them.



  83.  #83alias girl on July 2, 2009 at 1:11 am

    shabizzle. can you tell i posted that last post from my new laptop and not my cell?! hee!



  84.  #84Daria on July 2, 2009 at 1:49 am

    omg
    rori blocked one of my posts
    i am officially nuts
    hehe



  85.  #85Daria on July 2, 2009 at 1:50 am

    omg i also feel mortified… am i that weird… aaah

    i am feeling triggered



  86.  #86Daria on July 2, 2009 at 1:51 am

    Alias Girl thank you for pointing everyone out to the beginning of the journey. That is really helpful.

    I feel tense in my tummy and back that one of my posts didn’t show up. I think rori edited it out… it was about condoms…

    is sexuality triggerign?

    i feel triggered



  87.  #87Daria on July 2, 2009 at 1:53 am

    I feel confused and sad and rejected and weird and of course they wouldnt post that feeling… I feel bad and I want rori to feel guilty right now.. i feel weirdd i feel upset i feel shoulder pain i feel schok i feel hlelpless i feel not taken advantage of but not included not good enough not ew gosh i feel icky



  88.  #88Daria on July 2, 2009 at 1:57 am

    I feel outraged now that my post was erased. Rori can you please tell me if you erased it and if so why. thank you.



  89.  #89Daria on July 2, 2009 at 2:19 am

    I just worked out. I feel soo good. My spine feels really nice and extended. I did this belly reaching in exercise too and it feels like its really making this part of my tummy that feels neglected feel good. Cuz i eat too much and overburden my belly. Love you belly. I feel sleepy. I want to chat. Im chatting on the blog.



  90.  #90gina on July 2, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Daria, it was interesting to read your high commentary. I rarely smoke pot, but when I do, I often experience the super good feelings, but then i feel a lot of shame and guilt and self consciousness, and then frustration about it. Is that just a part of smoking pot? Or is it cause there’s such a taboo against it? I don’t like those feelings. I guess I would feel negative feelings if I sat around and drank, even though it’s legal. I think maybe it depends on the context. Sometimes getting a little tipsy is so super fun (party atmosphere, or intimate, when people around me are on the same page, and there is no driving involved). I’m sure the same would go for pot, but it hasn’t had an appropriate place in my life for a long time. It used to be the foundation of the relationship i had with my Loverman/”FWB” – we would just get high and have AMAZING sex. Pot heightened all the sensations, made it so emotional and intimate. But I don’t think we would have had anything at all without pot. That’s kinda weird. But I wouldn’t trade those memories. Pot every once in a while used to be so fun, but in the last couple of years, every time I smoke has been trouble. I still can’t quite tell what I think the true nature of it is. I definitely don’t think the gov should have a say in the matter at all, and that makes me feel so angry, tight in my stomach like I have hypocritical thieves for parents who let me have alcohol, but would imprison me for pot – so Stupid. Urrrgh!! I would like to determine the truth about it – does pot offer illumination? Or delusion? or both, depending on use?



  91.  #91alias girl on July 2, 2009 at 11:18 am

    i dunno daria. your post just probably disappeared. poof. it’s happened to me and a couple of people too. i mean maybe rori was up at 2am and intercepted your condom post but prob not. 😉

    dang. wish i coulda read it.



  92.  #92Daria on July 2, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    I think the bad feelings about pot are because it’s illegal and my parents think its bad. When I went to New York I met this Jamaican boy and he loved pot. He thought it was perfectly great and I felt the same about it with him. He thought it was more normal than alcohol. I guess its about culture too. In my culture alcohol is totally prevalent but no pot.



  93.  #93Daria on July 2, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I know so many real “gangstas.” God help keep them safe and find them something good to do. I am tired or losing friends in spiritual wars. Have you seen the movie 300? i was crying a lot at the end. I get so into movies and get reallly emotional… which feels good because i get to cry out my grief… i think i have a lot of grief which i have held in…



  94.  #94Tina on July 2, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Linda,
    Thank you, *sniffle. I feel I am in my own trap. I’m still married waiting on my ex to file for divorce -which he says he will do at the end of july. I feel there is no point in asking for or expecting any form of commitment from “boyfriend” besides sexual exclusivity. “boyfriend” does do “nice things” for me however I feel that doing nice things is not enough for me to want a long term commitment from/with him. I feel bored in this relationship. I dont know what it is going to take for me to seal the deal on this relationship. I feel as though as long as I’m the one keeping him entertained, that is how long this relationship will last. Lack of compassion, affection does get boring for me. Your right in the “potential” of a man. I feel intuitively that this is what I’m doing/going on. Yikes!. I’m in no hurry to make any decisions just yet lol “potential” right .



  95.  #95Tina on July 2, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    I was just reading my post and wanted to clear this up. I want affection and compassion in an sexually exclusive relationship “for now.” I feel the hormonal pull he has on me is starting to wear off, it’s taken 1 1/2 years though.



  96.  #96Tina on July 2, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Rori’s tools have helped me a great deal, only when I started to put them into practice in my love life did I start to “feel” and feel ok with what I am feeling, in a contructive way of course. Not only my love life but in other areas of my life , most importantly my path (bridge.) wooohoooo!.



  97.  #97BabyGirl, NC on July 2, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Wink, I don’t have the tools themselves 2 know if I am doing the circular dating correctly, but Rori says that we can date ourselves. So yes, when i am out and about, i am flirting & practicing the Modern Sirens & the Commitment Blueprint tools.



  98.  #98Taylor on July 4, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Hey!
    Well this guy tells me he loves me but he just don’t want a relationship and i kinda understand that but i want to know how to make him want to be with me and me only. I love him with all my heart and i want to keep him.. He told me the other day he was thinking about letting me go cause he’s starting to fall for me and he don’t want that. HELP PLEASE!!!!