The Biggest Trigger – Sex

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Here’s a comment from Jami about sex and going numb around it – and it’s such a terrific and universal topic – I wanted to jump off.  Here’s Jami’s comment:

“I am practicing circular dating and am doing quite well. My triggers are becoming fewer, I am attracting great men, and many tell me I’m incredibly grounded.

However, I figured out on a date the other night that my biggest “trigger” is actually sexual.

I had no idea. I wanted to sleep with this man I’ve been dating and I did. I was ready. As soon as “it” started, I felt myself go cold and my mind was wandering to irrelevant things.

I believe I feel ashamed and disgusting for enjoying sex? I cannot for the life of me figure out how to heal this one. I can’t “practice” sleeping around! Jami”

And here’s my answer (I’m going to jump off into a whole series of posts on this for all of us – but for now – let’s look at it this way):

Yes, Jami – and you and I – CAN practice “on” this!

If she continues to sleep with this man – if you’re sleeping with a man –  you can practice with him.

Practice staying present.

Practice noticing when you “go away” – and that it’s your “fight, flight or freeze” reaction to a BIG trigger – which is sexual – but also about vulnerability and intimacy.

Slowly keep bringing yourself back to the present, get into the sensations of your body, stop “doing” for a moment and just “be” and “experience.”

Consider this a major, major opportunity. Both you and the man will benefit from your doing this – and so will your relationship.

And then – you can practice ALONE:

Do the Sensual Meditation from the ebook, do all the Modern Siren Tools all day long to stay in touch with your body…keep yourself turned on all day long…this is the most fun issue you can have to practice with – have fun with this!

Even the tiniest steps will have huge rewards…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Ann on April 4, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Sex is experience that took me a long time to get over the feeling it was dirty(because of my background). I made amazing strides. I was able to tell and show my hubby exactly what I wanted him to do to please me.

    However, I have no sexual desire for him at the moment. So I’m working on focusing on me.


  2.  #2Linmayu on April 4, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Mmmmm…the sex trigger…I find that when I’m in a sexual situation, or rather, a situation of being physically aroused (in the mechanical sense), I feel numbness, I feel old pain and old triggers come up. I hate them. I almost deleted that because I know I’m supposed to love everything, but yes, I hate them. I hate remembering my ex in those moments, feeling sad and angry and regretful and resentful and numb.

    I love my mourning, angry body, my mourning, angry female parts. I want to paint every inch of myself with love.

    Wow, just thinking that makes me suddenly feel warm and light and open. I love feeling warm and light and open, even though I still feel scared and sad. I found an amazing meditation at (it is on page 4 of the pdf) which I am going to go do now. Goodbye fear, hello Makani. 😀

    I’m not sleeping with a man, so can’t really practice on staying present with one if the only man I know is in my head. I could stay present with myself, I suppose. Ooh I feel so warm and open and lit up and really wanting to unzipper my heart. No flashes of lightning, but still a very nice feeling…

  3.  #3Ann on April 4, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Thank you Reshi for the link. The dance ritual looking inviting to me.

  4.  #4Tracy on April 5, 2009 at 2:57 am

    well, for me sex has always been a confusing element in my life.
    I come form a strict catholic background and needless to say i had my first sexual experience just last year in my late 20s…The guy was emotionally unavailable,to say the least and once it happened i felt curious to keep on with it and i felt so attached to this guy especially given the fact that i always felt i’d probably wait til i get married.
    I felt that given the reason we’d been together,he was meant to be….i felt and stil feel complelled to be with him…even though i know deep down it cannot work..
    i feel rejection when i see him around.i feel neglected..
    i feel withdrawn and i feel that i have shut down so much of my sexuality and it needs to come out…
    I feel that i am a sexual being and i should appreciate my sexuality and discover it in my own way…
    I feel glad that i had this experience with this guy though,because i felt so confused and i wanted to know why..i felt the need to understand my feelings and reactions to my actions…
    I feel that i am doing that now.I feel that the reason i shut my self down so much in the past was because i had no faith in my self,my self esteem was low and i did not love me…
    I feel sexuality is something we should embrace in our own way as each of us has a path to follow…i feel grateful that i am discovering my own sexuality now before committing to a relationship,as that would have been a disaster….i feel grteful for this blog..
    I stil have this guy on my horse,iam stil discovering myself and my feelings but for now i choose to treat him like a messanger,he’s my trigger,and my step to a good and successful relationship…..



  5.  #5Tracy on April 5, 2009 at 3:14 am

    I also always felt that sex was dirty,a taboo sort of thing that no one discussed.I guess that once i experienced it, all the fears and emotions that i had kept locked up inside me came out…they really did..i felt angry most of the time,i felt exposed and vulnerable to this guy especially..
    it felt like a sort of helplessness and more like he owned my hapiness…
    I feel i am learning slowly to gain my confidence and restore a goddess sense of myself….I always felt lie i was leaning forward with my previous relationships and putting myself second and it felt awful.For me sex was my greatest trigger as it made me actually revaluate my life and what i really want to be…i am glad i found all the siren ladies here to help me discover my path..
    I am circular dating,trying to learn more about myself,working on my self esteem,and it feels great to be learning so much..i feel like a new born with a second chance to feels motivating.

  6.  #6Tracy on April 5, 2009 at 4:26 am

    I also always felt that sex was dirty,a taboo sort of thing that no one discussed.I guess that once i experienced it, all the fears and emotions that i had kept locked up inside me came out…they really did..i felt angry most of the time,i felt exposed and vulnerable to this guy especially..
    it felt like a sort of helplessness and more like he owned my hapiness…
    I feel i am learning slowly to gain my confidence and restore a goddess sense of myself….I always felt lie i was leaning forward with my previous relationships and putting myself second and it felt awful.For me sex was my greatest trigger as it made me actually revaluate my life and what i really want to be…i am glad i found all the siren ladies here to help me discover my path..
    I am circular dating,trying to learn more about myself,working on my self esteem,and it feels great to be learning so much..i feel like a new born with a second chance to feels motivating.
    OH! You’re my new favorite blogger fyi

  7.  #7Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 6:02 am

    The sex issue is one that confuses me now. I always looked at it as a natural part of dating. Since using Rori’s tools, I find I am tryinng to delay that element so as not to get too invested in a man.
    I do find circular dating to be a kind of cure for sexual indiscretion, as so many of these guys are simply not a sexual option for me. Yet it is way on top in my core needs, I guess.
    That said, my latest imaginary attachment is all based on the allure of a possible hot sexual connection, as was most of my past relationships. hmm…

  8.  #8Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 6:08 am

    I just checked out the link Reshi provided (why did you change your blog name, I wonder) anyway, it’s really great, spiritual, connected, I love it and I thank you.

  9.  #9Linmayu on April 5, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Linda G, I changed my name here because I wanted to experiment with posting under my real name, and work through the fear of being “discovered” and “called out.” So far not much has happened in that direction as a result of this, but I know that when I was posting as Reshi, it was very much a feeling of “I can say whatever I want because of the anonymity of the Internet” and that didn’t feel like the fully conscious being that I would like to be. Maybe some of the comments I’ve made here will come back and bite me in the ass, but at least I’m not under the cover of a pseudonym.

    That said, I don’t think worse of anyone else who’s posting with a different name–it can allow for greater honesty sometimes–it is just not really for me as it’s important for me to be the same person in every area of my life.

    I feel angry now, memories of the painful moments from my marriage are flooding in. In a meditation this morning I realized that in order for there to be any hope of my having a positive, healthy sexual connection with another, I would need to become a beautiful being of light and love on the inside, and not a toxic garbage dump. So now of course all the toxic stuff is coming up like vomit….so I can release it out of my body, forgive everyone involved including myself, be free, and allow love and light to fill the void.

    That feels better but I still have a long way to go, I still feel something clamping down on my head to shut it down, something that wants to preserve the status quo. The status is NOT quo.

    A trigger in the area of my heart tells me that I’m right to be afraid. Women in this world who come out from a self-hating shell and let their inner Goddess shine are still raped and killed for it, too often. Beautiful, famous women are beaten and killed. Once in a million years is too often. And as terrifying as that is, it does not give me any excuse to hide my light under a bushel, bury my talent in the ground, or be crusty on the outside and mushy on the inside like I’ve been doing for the past 20some years. If I do that, I give my power away to the murderers and destroyers.

  10.  #10Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 9:30 am

    what this blog shows, is what deep emotional and thinking, yes thinking, beings we women are.
    Linmayu, I love your real name, and it’s so important to realize your own identity, whether it’s your given name or a new personna you have adopted to allow freedom of thought and expression.
    I realize wehave all come to Rori for help with romance, but we have found so much more. Perhaps our romantic experiences are just mirrors to our complexities as women, as people, causing us to look into our beings, more than who we really want, but who we really are.
    I picture us all on anisland, wearing loose flowing white dresses, tinged with the colors of the rainbow, dancing in the joy of our new found freedom, one borne of self knowledge and acceptance, compassion for ourselves as well as for each other.

  11.  #11Linmayu on April 5, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Indeed, Linda. We as women are thinking, feeling, amazing, deep, COMPLETE beings, and it is a wonderful blessing.

    I love your visualization of us all dancing with freedom and joy on Siren Island. And there’s something about a community of women, 100% man-free, that really attracts me right now. Soft and beautiful and loving. I wonder if I could bring such a thing into my life.

  12.  #12Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 10:22 am

    You were the inspiration for that image, Linmayu.

  13.  #13Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Gosh, I wish I had a belly that I could put a ring through ;like on that photo up there.

  14.  #14Ann on April 5, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Tracy, thank you for the compliment. It felt good.

    Warning to everyone I might sound like I’m rambling here and this could be a long comment lol. And the following comments are my convictions only and no judgements on anyone else.

    It took me years to get over my hangups about sex and I’m sure I still have a few. Personally, I feel sex and making love are 2 different things altho, we often use the word interchangeably.

    As most of you know I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I wish I’d had the innoncent happy childhood. I’ve had to heal from so many unseen scars but at the same time I’ve helped so many people over the years because of my experiences.

    My background made me what some people would call a over protective mother, but I choose to call it having my eyes open. My children(have 1 son and 1 daughter) have always been able to ask me and tell me about ANYTHING and recieve an honest answer depending on their age and capablity to understand the answer. They were taught about strangers and how to protect theirselves. They were taught about inappropiate touch from ANYBODY. They were even taught if anyone wanted to touch them for everyday things like a hug and they didn’t want to or felt a icky feeling about it they could say no and I would stand behind them.

    How does all that apply to sex well NOONE told me anything about sex or my body. And NOONE stood behind me when I was telling I was being abused.

    I said to me sex and making love were 2 different things. I believe consenting sex between adults is where they are enjoying each others bodies no strings attached. I believe ALL men have the potential for sex but not all women.

    I’ve never had consenting sex. And truthful I don’t thing I could have consenting sex. To me I feel making love is where my emotional connections comes out in my physical body as we connect. And to me I feel if that emotional connection isn’t there I can’t just physically having sex.

    That’s one of the reasons I’m not having sex with my husband because I don’t feel the connections with him at the moment. I haven’t for awhile but I was continueing to do my duty as a good wife and give him sex. Then I was feeling angry, resentful and sometimes dirty. Until I said no more. I know if we don’t find the connection he might leave someday but I feel I have to honor my body first.

    I could say so much more but I’m feeling a little anxious now like have I said too much.

    Linda I also enjoyed your visualization of us all dancing with freedom and joy on Siren Island.

  15.  #15Tracy on April 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Thanks for sharing that,i wish i was more open with my mum about this sexual stuff it would have made it easier for me to understand my feelings…I feel so sad that you had to undergo a rough time in your past..i send you a huge cyber hug…
    Well now that you mentioned about sex and making love i feel confused about these two all the time.
    I guess from past experience i felt that i was making love yet for the guy it was just sex.i feel humiliated just thinking about it,because i feel that i put myself out there or rather set myself up for disappointment.
    I felt connected to the guy,i liked them,but i was busy focusing on making him happy and didn’t notice the lack of commitment on his part…
    Figuring myself out has been difficult because it means opening up all the past sadness and fears i had stuffed inside,and sometimes its hard but i feel glad that i am discovering myself bits by bits everyday…
    i feel that i can enjoy my sexality and have a beautiful and active sexual relationship with a commited man but i need to figure me out first,as you said honour my body first…i agree with that…and most of all i need to know what makes me steps


    I am slowly getting to terms with that,trying to understand it really,because there are days i feel frustrated about it all.
    I believe that if i’m uncertain about something then the best way forward is to try and find answers to it,then move forward.I’ve stopped stuffing my feelings down,i feel that its time i embraced all of it,and figure out how best to live a better life..

  16.  #16Tracy on April 6, 2009 at 12:15 am

    sorry about the double posting…


  17.  #17Linmayu on April 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Aww, Linda G, I feel all special hearing that I inspired your vision. 🙂

    Last night was incredibly hard for me. I wanted to feel like a brand new being, rebirthed, cleansed, and sexually healed from all the bullshit in my past. That intention came out in the shamanic dance performance that I did that evening; a vision for a new relationship came out. Myself, dancing alone on the beach, and a man coming towards me on a canoe. He is reaching for me. At the last moment, I jump into the ocean and he jumps towards me and catches me. I wonder, is this too much leaning forward, because I jumped first?

    When I got home after driving through a terrible snowstorm (come on people, it’s April already), I felt all kinds of rage and fury and sadness. I locked myself in my room and was just shaking for several minutes, feeling cold and alone and sad and hopeless, and wanting to connect with someone, the Divine Mother preferably.

    After that, I felt very angry, and was screaming “NO!!!!!!” (inside my head) and raging and pounding on the bed for some time, until someone called my name from inside me. He lay down next to me and put his arms around me and held me until I fell asleep, and I felt very peaceful and loved in those moments.

    I dreamed of him last night. He was speaking to me in Hawaiian poetry, over cell phone messages, and a voice told me that with him, I would do best to keep my passion inside me. I tend to either let it all hang out, which causes the passion to dissipate, or stuff it deep down inside, beating it down with a mallet like Whack-A-Mole. Instead, I could just keep it inside and cherish it, water it, and let it build and strengthen and energize me and make me powerful again. It feels good to think about doing that.

  18.  #18Linda G on April 6, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Linmayu, you are so passionate! So poetic!
    I had a vision on a beach as well. It was triggered by one of Rori’s tools about circular dating, I think.

    I am walking along the beach. All kinds of men are offering me things, attention, gifts, dates. I keep walking, proudly, my long hair (it isn’t really), and flowing Tahitian dress floating in the wind. I am smiling, my head high. I am getting turned on, in an emotional way.
    I keep walking along the shore. And then I come to a man, laying down on a striped blanket. He has room for me, and motions me to come and lay beside him.
    He is offering me home. This is what I want.
    Of course he is also devastatingly handsome and virile. And smiling.

  19.  #19alias girl on April 6, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    oohhh i feel chills reading your visions linmayu and linda g!! thank you for sharing!

  20.  #20Linda G on April 6, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Here’s a question. I was just listening to Targeting Mr right, the part about having sex, can you limit how far you’ll go sexually, etc. Trying not to get hung up on a guy just ebcause you sleep with him.
    And then about long distance relationships and how being exclusive with a guy long distance is not favored as he isn’t close enough to be in the row boat. What about having sex with the long distance guy, if he is in your rotation, using this as a way to maybe not get hung up on him or worry about the other guys finding out because he’s far away.
    Good idea? bad idea?

  21.  #21Tracy on April 7, 2009 at 9:40 am

    I have the problem in reverse. I have been seeing a man, who at times, sex is great. But others it just stops and he says his head just won’t stop thinking about all the cruel things his ex-wife said to him about him. I try to reassure him without over doing it. He has no trouble with affection, kissing and gives me lots of attention. He is very good looking and sexy, how could I not want him?

  22.  #22KRISTINA (lb) on April 8, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    hey all.. About Sex !.. hmm .. let me see..
    First off, am sorry i couldnt read all.. but i love what i went through
    For example. Ann ‘;s You ‘re Like me. noone ever “SupportedMe Not even Therapists ! coz here, being abused (By Family ones) especially being a girsl youngest of 5..Men (even little Boys) are considered “ADAMS” =”Untouchables..

    Hpowever having s aid that i feel i’ve been myself “Continuing” the path of being “”Abused” (unconsciously)Dealing or “Giving” this impression that IAm “Reachable”.. However, Rori You, & all Programs i’ve llooked for are too amazing (Even Ch.Carter too) I wana Thank you but let me help a few before i go.. : Feeling Yourself & YOur Bedo are Not enough : its THE RESPECT that you Give yourself & to your BOdy That counts Profoundly … I’ve learned to respect my body all the more thanks to you . .
    Returning to “Circular” dating, i feel that men now, with me, are letting themself be 2X more “thoughtful” & i can Sense that every day !.. I DO Notallow anyone to enter my cyber page, i never accept less than huge invitations, (previously meant to) with Flowers & all. but, what i feel now rori is the more i “Demand” or require basically from a man – & the more i work on my feeling messages & melt & feel Moments & all.. i feel that THEY START SUDDENLY Become in touch with the”Feminine in them! !..
    For instance, when am asked :How are you.”.. after the feeling messages from my behalf.. Then, i feel like a hot warm shower & get to bed story on the phone i sense they 11- not only get perhaps aroused by this , but also, if i say oh, i feel my back hurtng (or something) THEY START TO LET OUT All the bull, pain, & other stuff from them !.. so, what is it?> how can i stop saying what i feel (even the bad) & Accept to receive all this negative (or the “Reality” of them ) which i Better Live without !..

    It is No harm in us rori to want to be \surrounded by good breed of men (such a few !) but with SUPPORT !>. WHy isnt it “Allowed” for us (wherever we are in this world) to Want to be “TAken CAre of” in a good sense by expressing the Feminine & Be the Feminine that I Want!
    Yes I feel like being “taken care of” & deserving !;
    I have “worked”enough on myself to know “now” how i much i worth ! But sincerely ,rori, why dont i seem top get the “result you so long have stated : that the Men will melt into such “Loving” desrving kind of woman. i feel i am only attracting the Least Expected type of men..
    How can i permit a less than the Best Man Alive to enter a Not Less than a Goddess/Turning type of woman that i am rori ?.. ( thanks, are u going to answer ?..rori?..) Thnx

  23.  #23Rori Raye on April 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Kristina, Welcome, and thank you for your wonderful comment.

    Yes – once you start opening up, you will make a man feel safe enough to open up, too – that’s the idea – you want him to open up to love, to feel safe enough to fall in love.

    Just notice what’s going on. If he’s only sharing his feelings and not asking YOU how YOU feel – make sure you’re always asking him what he “thinks.” Just keep expressing how you feel and asking him what he thinks. Say clearly what you “don’t want.” Be sure to Listen at Level 2.

    These are the basics. If this doesn’t work – then you’re just transitioning out of more feminine men into more masculine men. Just keep Circular Dating – and the better men will show up.

    Also – make sure you have brilliance going on in your own life, so that YOU’RE happy. Love, Rori

  24.  #24Uschi on September 5, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    No matter what I do or try to do when it comes to taking my clothes off I feel self conscious I am 54 and my body sure doesn’t look like I am 20 anymore and having huge problems in my current relationship and we are not even doing it – I don’t feel that any of this is helping

  25.  #25Uschi on September 15, 2009 at 10:56 am

    There is something else I don’t get -many women talk about being sexually attracted to a man. I have never been sexually (meaning that I want to jump his bones right away) attracted to a man and only got and get turned on and respond when a man (in this case him) makes the first move towards having sex. I have never been the one to try to start and when I did it within my previous marriage I got turned down. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me cause I do respond and have fun doing it (though not for a long time now with him 🙁 …………. but wish for that to start again eventually sometime soon) Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t see when a man is good looking or attractive and that I wouldn’t like being besides him, but I do not look “below” that or get turned on or think what would it be like to have a roll in the hay with him even when I see Dave naked, however should he start something I’d be there for him in that way. It just never enters my mind and I don’t get all “juicy” – am I supposed to so he is attracted to me or what? I just don’t get it. I have heard women talk about going to those male stripper shows and get all hot and bothered and then go to bed with a man or attack their husband/boyfriend when they get home. I never been to one of those shows I don’t think it would do anything for me. When I do find a man attractive then it is his eyes and the way he looks and acts but I do not envision him in bed with me, doing it. What is going on here – am I not allowing myself cause of the way I have been brought up or is there something lacking in me? I do want a good sex-life with him too even at our age cause we still can

  26.  #26Uschi on September 15, 2009 at 10:56 am

    ooops forgot to click Notify me of followup comments via e-mail