The Dreaded “Friendship Is All I Can Give You Now” Letter And What To Do About It…

Untitled design (14)

If you’ve ever been “blown off” by a man you were deeply involved with, and just absolutely crushed by it, you’ll understand Annie’s pain in her letter:

“Dear Rori,
I am 45, a widow, and I have a 17 year old son. I dated a guy for 6 months. He is single, never married. We were happy together, until one day I argued with him about looking at the pretty women on the streets and watching porno on the net. He said all men do it and that it doesn’t mean they’re unfaithful.

I believed he really loved me and we had plans to move in together, get married and everything. Since the day of the argument things deteriorated. I have and tried everything. I kept making things worse by trying to convince him, etc.. This is his last letter to me. I do not know what else to do. Help please. Here’s John’s letter to me:

‘Dear Annie,
I do not disagree with anything you have said as I also felt we had many positives to our time together and our relationship. At this point in time however my outlook for our potential in that context has changed and I have done my best to explain this to you as best as I am able.
I value you as a person and as a woman but feel friendship is all I want and can offer you at his time. I realize you have needs and goals that you have shared and should pursue them as you have always done. I do love you and feel fortunate to know you and have you in my life.
Love John’

Can you help me? Thank you, Annie”

Here’s my answer:


That’s about all I can say to a letter like that from a man, so let’s talk now to Annie, and help her do what she needs to do to get the relationship she wants – perhaps even with THIS man.

She has to reverse course.

That means she has to turn away, stop pining for him, stop thinking about him, stop contacting him – yes, just LET GO OF HIM.

Notice I didn’t say “Let him go.”

Letting someone go suggests that you have the power to hold him or not – and that’s just not true.

John is actually running away from Annie, and she’s got her hands glued to his shirt, and he’s just dragging her along.

So she can’t exactly “let him go” – he’s already GOING!

But – she can LET GO OF HIM.

Annie, open your hands.

I know it sounds easy to say, but just do it – using your hands as the image (In my ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, I start off with an illustration of what holding onto a man looks like and feels like – so you can actually SEE and FEEL how you’re doing this, even if it doesn’t feel like you are.

Holding Onto a man is something we women do so often, and we don’t even know we’re doing it – because we don’t know what it LOOKS like.

Next posts, we’ll pull this apart and put Tools to fix it – for now…just take a look at where you’re at in your love life, and see if you can FEEL what you’re holding on to.

Posted in


  1.  #1Kristine Grande on August 25, 2008 at 10:23 am

    I know what you are going thru! I mean, I was recently in a relationship that I thought was the best I have ever had, everything was goin great! I was best friends with him before we went out and then we got into a relationship! We were so happy together and everyone saw that! I don’t know what go into him but then I found out i was pregnant and I told him, he didn’t break up with me because I was pregnant, he was planning on breaking up with me before that! I am in love with him and now Im going to have his child. I don’t know how to move on or let go of him! I thought our relationship was perfect. I couldn’t have been any happier! I used to laugh, smile and just be plain happy all the time, now I just don’t have it in me to smile, laugh or be happy without him! He told me the reason he broke up with me was because he didn’t tell me how he felt and he bottled it up inside and it was just too much for him. Yah it was a bad time for him to break up with me cuz I am pregnant but at the same time he felt that it would be better that we were just friends! But the thing is its not the same as it was before when we were best friends. We don’t talk as much or see each other that much! I mean he goes to my appointments with me but I feel as tho if I can’t have him back in a relationship then I want him as my best friend again. Please help!

  2.  #2Rori Raye on September 2, 2008 at 10:51 am

    Kristine, This is Rori – My heart just goes out to you in your situation, and I wish I could reach across space and give you the biggest, longest hug. I also want to applaud you for being HAPPY when you were with him, and for not turning this awful-feeling time into anger that could make everything worse for you and your baby.

    My best advice is to FIRST – take as good care of yourself and your baby as you can…really focus on this, and really focus on creating a life for you and your child on your own that you can feel good and – yes, HAPPY about.

    Second – You will be seeing a lot of him, because he’s the baby’s father, so you will have LOTS of opportunities to improve your relationship with him. What you want to do with every single moment you are with him – on the phone, emails, texts, in person – is to create a SAFE space for him to be able to say all the things and be all the things he was somehow unable to do while you were together. You want him to be ABLE to say to you the things he “bottled up” so he won’t have to withdraw.

    Men withdraw when they get angry. Nice guys don’t want to spew their anger all over us – and they’re afraid of what will happen if they even TALK about their anger – so your man here pulled away rather than communicate to you his unhappiness.

    My Modern Siren program is all about creating this safety for a man – and the wonderful tone of your letter (I don’t hear any blaming or attacking – I only hear your sincere desire to solve this problem for yourself so you can be happy again – and that’s fantastic!) tells me that you can DO THIS.

    He feels unable to be angry and rude and upset with you – so to help him, you must own up to your anger and rudeness and upset with him (not by spewing, but by using my Tools to FEEL and ACCEPT even your darkest feelings, and express them to him in a Feeling Message way, so he’ll feel safe to feel HIS darkest feelings in your presence.

    Please feel free to keep this dialogue going between us – I’ll answer you as often as I can.

    Love, Rori

  3.  #3alias girl on October 10, 2008 at 8:36 pm

    i really needed to read this. i want to be a safe place for my man (for anyone i love or have important relations with) i want those people to be able to express themselves fully. which can feel threatening sometimes (fear i have displeased them, let them down. angered them. fear they may want to end the relationship. i REALLY need to practice this. i have been practicing many of the tools lateyl. is there a specific tool or program to help me with this? i know the level2 listening would be a good one? anything else?