The Expression Of Love

Untitled design (14)

giant bunny in France croppedFor me – Every expression of love is part of life – not separate from it

So – I experience Complaining as a way for us to downsize, to make small the staggering beauty and amazingness of being alive…

Sometimes it’s just so much for us to conceive of … to handle the incredible mess of it …

So we have to choke it down …

…and in order to choke it down we use the human habit tool of the “complaint.”

The more we cater to our idea of fear by trying to disown it and fight it…The more we chunk life down.

The more we shut down life into bits we feel we can handle – bits we believe we can handle…

The more we believe complaining helps.

We experience that complaining makes the indescribable mundane enough to handle…

Only it doesn’t.

It just takes the shine off everything…

Love, Rori


 

Posted in

84 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 11, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    mhmmm



  2.  #2Mandy on January 11, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    Sirens, going off the last page –

    Starla – What I want is consistency in the good experiences. Like, I would like for the good things to keep happening and right now I feel really unheard and like it’s hard to communicate.

    Feminine woman – I do not know.

    Lovergirl- The sex toys won’t be used just displayed, yes he’s getting paid, and he doesn’t have the money currently to buy any more. I could end up feeling irritated and jealous IF he was choosing time with couples over me – I don’t want to feel my time is being compromised. He promised me time first before he works with the couple.

    Only thing I’m irritated about right now is he left me with that conversation and I haven’t been able to hear from him since and I wanna talk about it badly.



  3.  #3Millie on January 11, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Yay! a new post!!
    I totally agree complaining does take the shine off everything…and maybe we look for ways to dull life because we live in fear. ahem–(Me)

    I watched some of the Byron Katie videos and checked out her site. Wow! What an eye opener. I am constantly amazed at the new tools and avenues I have been discovering to deepen my connection with myself and identify what beliefs I have that aren’t serving me. It feels relieving to think that the “suffering” I feel is created by me. It is 100%. Which means that if I turn around my beliefs, my “love lies”, then I can live in passion, pleasure, and joy.

    I love the worksheet!! I wonder if there are any sirens that live close to me?? It would be so fun to get together and do these worksheets and have conversations with each other. I am thinking of asking some friends to do it with me, but I feel like sirens just “get” things at another level.

    Hearing Byron Katie talk, did trigger those moments to come up where I felt really angry… and those moments stretched time, but how I felt and the beliefs I adopted created suffering.

    I do see that how I felt after M left…is about ME. It wasn’t about him. He was gone. I felt abandoned, I felt tricked, I felt lied to, deceived, like he thought I was undeserving of the truth, rejected… There I was placing thoughts in his head and believing them as true. None of that is true, and he isn’t responsible for my feelings…not when he was present or gone. I have a right to express them, but I cannot assign meaning to how he chose to handle things. And it makes sense, that he wouldn’t want to restart things…after how hurt I was. He saw the hurt and it didn’t make him feel good. He can’t guarantee it won’t happen again. Maybe, how I handled things scared him too…



  4.  #4Kath on January 12, 2016 at 1:52 am

    Hi Sirens and a belated Happy New Year to all you wonderful Ladies!

    I am just going to say this the only way I can and I welcome your comments and feedback to help my healing.

    In November last year I thought my X and I were starting the road to reconciliation but it didn’t last long before I took off the rose coloured spectacles and realised that I was being played as an option rather than a person he realised he actually truly loved and so I broke it off again and blocked him from my life completely.

    I have since discovered the horrible truth that all of last year he was playing me off against another X and flirting desperately with both of us to get attention. His desperation worked on her and she finally made the effort to move from one side of the country to the other to move in with him (incidently into the house we had shared!). She lasted all of four days and then decided that they had both changed and that it would not work between them and she promptly left again.

    Not a week later, I received a text from him saying how upset he was after having the grandchildren on a sleepover and they had been constantly asking where I was and why they couldn’t see me. He made it sound as though he was soo upset and I fell for it and he drove to mine and we spent a lovely evening together with good food and wine and he even stayed the night (shared the same bed but just hugged and kissed because I said I couldn’t do anymore with him just then). At that time I had no idea about what had happened with the X only a few days before!- but now that I do- Boy!- do I feel totally stupid!!- and played!-but glad that I wasn;t seduced by his so called charms!

    Literally 2 weeks after that night he went to his work’s xmas party and guess what….met a woman who he is now seeing- She lives on Facebook so everything that happens in her life is there for all to see- which he will hate because he is so secretive!- but in knowing that he is now seeing someone else and seeing the exact same pattern of behaviour used on her as was used on me- I am strangely healing far more quickly than I would have done otherwise!-

    I do feel so sorry for the new woman though because I know exactly what he is doing- he has no feelings for her- he is just using her- and of course now- after only literally 2 weeks of knowing him- she now believes that she is in love and that he is the best thing since sliced bread because he understands her and wants to care for her. But its all lies- she is incredibly needy and emotionally vulnerable, it screams out from her Facebook page (yes, I have read everything she has put on there!)- and I can see exactly why he has “chosen” her. She is the same pyschologiocal type as the other women in his life- all the X’s that he couldn’t let go of and which I questioned all through the relationship because I heard the alarm bells ringing. I am so glad that my alarm bells were proved right and that this has now happened because it has taught me that I should be true to me and not be swayed or bowled over by what a man tells me- all the sweet nothings in the world shouldn’t make you speed up what you think should be happening in your “relationship”- for her to “feel” that intensely after only 2wks is dangerous and I do feel so sad for her.
    I am slowing learning all the things I should have learned as part of my growing up and personal development- and as I am now approaching my half century- is a long overdue lesson to learn but a welcome one.



  5.  #5Indigo on January 12, 2016 at 5:53 am

    Kath,

    My ex D is damaged in a similar way to your ex. And I have to say it is so tempting to analyse their dysfunction and their relationships and love life, and to feel shock and sympathy at the women who get caught up with them… But I really feel it is best to completely stay out of their business and walk away.

    I do feel genuine compassion, not only for the women he gets involved with, but I feel enormous compassion for D himself. I feel desperately sad for people who close themselves off to real love this way.

    Only they can change things for themselves though. I made the decision though that I was going to absolutely shield myself from any further pain on his account though. People like that only continue in that way because others continue to let them.



  6.  #6Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 5:53 am

    Dixie,
    From the last thread…
    Darling Siren… thank you and I feel so happy
    that my journey, using all of Rori’s tools,
    Can shine a small light onto the MAGIC
    that ,ME learning to love ME, has created in MY life…

    Who knows what will happen with Spirit and Me…
    BUT I am feeling less scared than I ever have
    Because… no matter what…
    I ALWAYS HAVE ME…
    and Siren Island :-))



  7.  #7Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 6:07 am

    Kath #4
    Ahhh gentle Siren… I am sending warm hugs and wrapping your aching heart in pink cashmere blankets

    I do agree with Indigo…
    “Stay out of their business and walk away!”

    I know you can wean yourself from reading the Facebook stuff…
    I have find it VERY disruptive and ill-advised for
    my own happiness and well being.

    When I have been in a similar situation
    to stop my Spiralling obsession of thinking about “him”
    I came to this blog and read all the archives that I could and also on Dominiques site

    http://sexandheart.com/you-and-abandonment-fears-in-relationship/

    http://sexandheart.com/the-flow-in-leaning-back/

    http://sexandheart.com/facebook-dilemmas-2/

    Sweet Siren… Take very good care of your warm, aching, innocent heart
    This is YOUR journey… bring it all back to YOU
    What are your feelings right now…
    LOVE YOUR feelings…



  8.  #8Tatia Dee on January 12, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Sharing this quote:

    “We experience that complaining makes the indescribable mundane enough to handle…
    Only it doesn’t.
    It just takes the shine off everything…”



  9.  #9Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 9:03 am

    Millie
    I just wrote a GREAT :-))
    post to answer your question you asked me
    from the last thread… and my browser kicked me out and I lost all that i wrote!! :-((

    One tool that Heather Allison shared with me in one of our coaching sessions… helped me A LOT

    Last May- Spirit and I had broken up one more time…
    He had posted a picture on his Facebook page (the top photo)
    of him with an old gf… I was devastated
    I was grieving and obsessing over HIM… couldn’t STOP!!!
    Heather said…
    “I want you to picture someone in your family/friend that loves you dearly and cares about you and is there for you… Visualize one of them…
    Put them in front of you…
    Visualize this person is sending you positive energy…
    Warm yellow and white bolts of energy and
    wrapping you in this energy

    Now, I want you to picture Spirit… visualize him…
    Place him in front of your minds eye…
    Send him positive, loving, warm, yellow and soft white lazers/bolts of energy… wrap him in this energy…
    do this every few hours…
    as often as you can…

    I found it terribly difficult to visualize Spirit –
    I hated him and I felt sooo much hurt…
    but Heather coached me through it and
    after a week… my heart began to heal…
    and My thoughts began to shift away from him
    Millie, it worked for me…
    You might try this with M?
    oxoxo



  10.  #10Lovergirl on January 12, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Some things in the last thread and Azure talking about her son got me thinking about how men not wanting to be told what to do seems to be very true for teenage boys as well. Ugh. I’ve been so frustrated with my two teenage sons lately. It’s like they deliberately try to do the exact opposite of whatever I tell them and we butt heads a lot.

    I feel so resentful sometimes that I am stuck raising teenage boys on my own. Their father does absolutely nothing to help- he is actually living with his freaking parents right now, at age 42, because he and his girlfriend broke up- like a big, irresponsible, baby. He got the kids nothing for Christmas and wouldn’t answer when I repeatedly texted asking if he wanted to see them.

    Anyway, I have FOUR sons in a row, who will one day ALL be teenagers at once and sometimes I feel like I am just totally helpless and incapable of handling this. My oldest is several inches taller than me, ten times stronger and hell bent on doing everything his own way, trying to prove that he is the boss.

    My second son, who is 13, is now starting to be difficult too. He’s also as tall as I am and suddenly seems to be refusing to cooperate with normal, everyday stuff. Anything I ask him to do he wants to challenge it. Its absolutely maddening. My formerly well behaved, helpful child is now trying to assert his manliness, I guess.

    Just dealing with them lately is making me feel sooo resentful towards the male species, their dad, men in general. Like, why do they have to be so freaking difficult to deal with?? I’m probably feeling extra this way due to PMS but its so frustrating.



  11.  #11Dominique on January 12, 2016 at 9:31 am

    Tee – This may help –

    http://sexandheart.com/you-and-abandonment-fears-in-relationship/

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  12.  #12Tee on January 12, 2016 at 10:23 am

    Thanks Dominique!
    I wonder if it ever gets easier?….letting go.



  13.  #13Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 11:37 am

    ((((Lovergirl)))
    Ohhh… my Goodness…
    4 sons…
    How wonderful!!! all that amazing male energy…
    And at the same time… All that testostorene
    going wild… and bouncing off of each other!!

    I can see why you would be resentful…
    with NO help from their father…
    How can some men just abondone the children
    cause they get mad at their ex wife?

    I also know of soo many men who stayed close to their children… Many of the ones I have dated…

    Wonder if there is an online support system/blog like this one?
    I can only imagine there might be!!!

    Hugs to you Brave Mother of 4 boys!!

    I know how angry my son became as he grew into his teens… Not much contact with his Dad… maybe once or 2 times a year… he is still struggling with the lack of male support now and while he was growing up!



  14.  #14IamHis on January 12, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    Rori, I am interested in the Business Siren Handbook, but I put all my payment information in, and the payment button on my Samsung Galaxy S4 won’t pus for some reason.

    Could you (or someone else?) help?



  15.  #15Dominique on January 12, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    Tee – 12 – Yes it does get easier. I don’t know that it goes away altogether, but it can feel so much easier to deal with when it shows up. And awareness around you and your fears and what sets them off really helps, for you can clue in more quickly and put things into better feeling perspective more quickly as well.

    xxoo



  16.  #16Liquid Light on January 12, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Millie

    That is so awesome that you are finding Byron Katie to be helpful. I think her process The Work is so powerful to help end the suffering we are experiencing. It’s already helped me with so many situations. There’s lots more work for me to do but the progress and peace I’ve already found in many areas of my life is so exciting.

    I’m so impressed that you have already made the work your own and can see the incredible power in it. It really is so liberating!

    I wish I was near you (I’m in N Cal) and we could do The Work together. I’m thinking of taking her seminar in March. (Its in S Cal.)



  17.  #17Kyla on January 12, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    What a lovely perspective of complaining.. this feels true to me.



  18.  #18BeLoved on January 12, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    Ummm, okay, for some reason I spontaneously started making up a bunch of lies while chatting with a Tinder guy. I have 24 cats, 8 kids, I can’t meet with him until after 6 because there is a Flavor of Love reunion special I don’t want to miss…on and on and on…
    And the guy asked for a date, actually found a place right down the street from me THAT IS NOT DENNY’S OMG, and I am just making up more and more outlandish stuff and he is apparently lol’ing all over the place.
    What the heck.
    OMG, I hope we make out because he looks super hot 😀



  19.  #19BeLoved on January 12, 2016 at 7:32 pm

    Well, that got real creepy real fast.
    *sigh*

    Okay..this post…I love it. I used to complain about EVERYTHING. It made me feel important to have something to complain about. I would make up stuff to complain about so I could complain with other people and feel like I belonged to the group.

    I like Rori’s take on it, it does take the shine off of things.
    I’m getting used to feeling more “separate” and yet feeling more secure and part of the whole at the same time.
    More and more I withdraw my energy from stuff that doesn’t feel good.
    TG came home tonight, asked about my day, which I said was pretty good. He IMMEDIATELY started complaining about how his day sucked and I turned on my heel and walked out the door.
    He laughed and commented on how he knew I didn’t want to hear it. 😀

    I feel my energy drop, and I feel gross and icky when I complain, and more and more I do whatever I need to do to feel good and take care of me. Which includes sometimes feeling the “bad” feelings because that feels better than repressing or avoiding them.

    I love feeling the sparkling shine of life!



  20.  #20Millie on January 12, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Azure 9–

    I have been looking into coaching actually! Heather Allison has a great page! I read some of her blog posts and love them–especially the one that says “Love is like a wild horse.” THAT is an analogy I get!!! hahah because I ride and love horses so much. Horses have amazing spirits and I feel exhilarated around them! Love is exhilarating, I am exhilarating, life is exhilarating! I love the tool you suggested!! And I’m absolutely going to try it, but would that mean my energy is going towards him? It seems like that would keep me more hung up, but I’m willing to give it a go!!

    I’m meeting a new guy tonight ladies! One who is very different from my normal “type” I’ve been going for lately. TONS of negative voices are creeping in. AHHH But I KNOW they are love lies now… Fear, nervousness… One of my coworkers was talking about her 10 yr anniversary today with her husband and she is MY age! I haven’t had a solid one year relationship much less two!! I kept trying to flip myself… To focus on appreciating her!! And her wonderful life!! But inside I felt jealous and rotten and ugly, so rejected.. like a dried up date. (I know these are the love lies) So angry with me for failing. I feel like this is going to be a very hard road unfortunately, to flip all of this negative energy that has built inside me.

    What would happen if I loved myself so much that others actions did not affect my happiness? I feel like I’m heading down that road which is good. I don’t feel any pain in not hearing from M. I don’t know if I ever will hear from him, and strangely I’m OK with that.

    I was thinking today while my coworkers were talking bout their amazing relationships that somewhere deep down– I must have believed M was the ONE. And maybe all the pain and hurt I put myself through was because I was wrong and I let myself down, and he let me down. I had expectations, without fully realizing it. And somewhere along the line I attached my future to his…and the anger I felt/feel isn’t only because of his actions, it’s because “he was supposed to be A, B, C..” and I feel comfortable saying this now because of Byron Katie’s worksheet that allows you to admit what you wanted that person to do…and it’s really revealing and shows a huge disconnect from me to him. He probably felt all of this and took off. Not trying to own the blame, but even though I told my close friends I didn’t know if he was the one, obviously I felt he was deep down or else I wouldn’t have felt so abandoned, my dreams abandoned. And it’s awful…the pressure he must have felt and perhaps still feels! and the pressure I felt!

    Anyway I just was thinking about his today…how invested I actually was…



  21.  #21Indigo on January 12, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Kyla,

    It’s so great to see you here again!

    Beloved,

    Your post made me laugh out loud!

    Millie,

    I know this feeling. I felt at different times that D and Bush Boy were the ones, which is why I felt so disappointed and hurt. And who knows, they still could be, I don’t know what the future holds. For me, this reveals my passion, which is something I love about myself. Yes, maybe it felt like pressure to them but I’m totally at peace with the way I felt towards them. I don’t know how to do things in half measures. The force of your enthusiasm or passion can push something or someone away, but I believe this is because they’re not ready to “match” you.

    This is not a bad thing. Love and excitement and enthusiasm when harnessed has the ability to do amazing things, and it will also repel the things which are not a fit for you. I spent a long time with a “wandering in the wilderness” sort of a feeling, wondering why things were leaving my life and not working out left and right… wondering what I was doing to push these things away. Moping. It was when I actually embraced the deep desires that I had within me and the strong feelings I had, and began to try to welcome it and accept it (not always easy) when something didn’t work out, that things started to really flow into my life instead of out of it.



  22.  #22Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    Millie #20
    Yes, I really liked Heather and Natalina’s coaching…
    they both helped me soooo much!

    I thought the same thing about the tool Heather gave me…
    but oddly enough – sending that energy to him…
    Helped *ME* let go…

    Wow!! I’m totally impressed how much you have obsorbed from Byron Katie…
    I feel happy that her teachings are helping!!
    oxoxo



  23.  #23Azure Blu on January 12, 2016 at 9:20 pm

    Kyala,
    Ohhh… sooo happy to see you here…
    I have thought about you off and on..
    I truly loved following your journey…
    it all helped me grow soo much
    and you finding Mr. Right and moving out west with all the children…
    How are things going?



  24.  #24IamHis on January 12, 2016 at 10:26 pm

    Leaned forward with a guy I hadn’t talked to in forever. It felt a little unnatural, but I’m still glad I did it. He’s an old friend/crush. We used to view things so similarly, & now we view them differently. One thing that hasn’t changed about him is his gentleness & respect. Those are some solid qualities, & notnecessarily easy to maintain.

    I love my own gentleness & respect for other people.

    I feel really scared. I just kind of want to pause life, take life extremely slow, & gently figure some things out.

    My personality disorder does not rule my life, but it does pop up when I’m stressed.

    I feelove hopeful. I still have faith. Ithe just feels like time is moving really slowly. I know that’s not true. I know time is one of my most precious resources, & that there is a limited supply of it. I just need it so much right now. I need slowness & stillness & my closest friends & to talk about really vulnerable things & to be brave…



  25.  #25IamHis on January 12, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    I will no longer beat myself up for tiny mistakes. I forgive myself fully for leaving a situation that made me feel scared and powerless. I should never have to feel that way. I want to always feel brave & empowered…



  26.  #26Emerson on January 12, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    18 beloved
    Omg so funny! I love your made up stories!!
    You’re hilarious!

    19 and yes about complaining! It is draining! I sometimes catch myself bite my lip and try to think of something positive to say instead! Like oh look this office always has such nice fresh flowers!
    Or ….oh I love the fresh air from the rain!
    Instead of complaining it’s fun to think of little details to feel happy about!



  27.  #27Emerson on January 12, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    Sirens Ive been asked by men why my relationship(s) didn’t work out and I am thinking I want a sireny answer…
    Help! I’m not sure what to say …

    I have been waiting for this man to contact me who I gave my number to..an acquaintance ….and I feel tempted to contact him first…. Hmmm



  28.  #28Millie on January 13, 2016 at 12:00 am

    Liquid light– I live in so cal!



  29.  #29Millie on January 13, 2016 at 12:16 am

    Emerson– imagine the pleasure you will feel when this new man contacts YOU!!! Don’t rob yourself of experiencing that gush of delight! Sure you can reach out, but then you will never know if he would have done it himself. Hold the space strong siren!

    As far as letting men know why you’re past relationships haven’t worked out… You could say that you hadnt met the right man yet, and feel confident that your past experiences with the ones that “didn’t work out” have taught you about what the right man for you is.

    I don’t know if that’s too lengthy, but I can imagine it segwaying into him asking “how would you describe the right man for you?” Which I think is a wonderful conversation because then you can talk about how you want to feel…

    Curious what the other sirens suggest!



  30.  #30Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 4:56 am

    Emerson 27,

    You are not obligated to give information about your previous relationships to new men… I wouldn’t go in-depth about it. The more you say the more it might work on the guy’s mind.

    When a man asks me why I am single I tell him that I have been in several relationships, and that I am waiting for someone I feel comfortable with, who I click just right with. I don’t give information on my previous relationships. Guys might think they want to know, but it’s often just as hard for them to hear about previous people we’ve been with as it is for us.



  31.  #31Emerson on January 13, 2016 at 4:56 am

    29 Millie thank you very helpful!
    I guess I feel like reaching out to him to let him know I’m interested…. We are old friends and I can tell he is interested but he may be unsure of my status….
    I know that’s not valid even as I write it because I know a masculine man will go after what he wants…
    I’m feeling impatient.
    He told me don’t be a stranger…maybe he’s waiting for me to reach out first lol….
    Oh well for now I’m not doing anything!



  32.  #32Emerson on January 13, 2016 at 4:59 am

    30 thank you indigo!!



  33.  #33Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 5:06 am

    I had a great date last night!



  34.  #34Emerson on January 13, 2016 at 5:07 am

    Yay indigo !!!



  35.  #35Victoria on January 13, 2016 at 5:23 am

    Emerson 27,
    On the question of past relationships, I use this question, as well as pretty much any question a man asks me, as a chance to flirt with him.
    So if I a man asks me “what happened to your previous boyfriend” I would say “well, he wasn’t as good looking/intelligent/smart/fun [insert any outrageous compliment here] as you are and I was somehow hoping I will meet you eventually”. This usually brings a huge grin to the guy’s face, and he is too flattered to dig deeper.
    Otherwise, beyond the first few dates, eventually a time comes when you may share the whole story of your last boyfriend or your whole dating history or none of it. At the early stages I think men are more likely seeking to get validation about how much you like them and are not really interested in what happened in your life. I say, give them what they want!



  36.  #36Victoria on January 13, 2016 at 5:24 am

    Indigo 33,
    Oh, I am so curious, I am so curios, is this all you are going to say, you cruel siren!



  37.  #37Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 5:24 am

    Indigo #33
    Yay! I feel excited hearing this!
    oxox



  38.  #38Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 5:25 am

    Indigo!! I agree with Victoria #36~~



  39.  #39Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 5:27 am

    Victoria#35
    Ahhh lovely light hearted YOU!!!

    YES to flirty and fun most of the time
    BUT especially in the beginning!
    Love this!!



  40.  #40Emerson on January 13, 2016 at 5:32 am

    35 Victoria yes this is great!



  41.  #41Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 5:42 am

    Emerson #27
    I feel curious…How long has it been since you gave him your number?



  42.  #42Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 5:50 am

    I found this and thought it very interesting!
    Rori Says:
    ” Telling a man how “wrong” he is –
    even if he’s done something thoughtless and hurtful – is USELESS.

    It’s useless to try to “correct” a man’s behavior because:

    1. It makes him instantly feel defensive – and as he becomes defensive, he LOSES his ATTRACTION for you.

    And when he loses his Attraction for you – he loses his MOTIVATION to work HARD to keep you and the relationship.

    He doesn’t see or feel a way of WINNING with you.

    He feels like he’s always hurting you or disappointing you
    – he can never do anything right.

    2. Making him “wrong”
    makes him see YOU as NEEDY!

    That’s right – he sees YOU as making him
    the center of your world.”



  43.  #43Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 6:21 am

    It was a lovely, lovely first date with a guy, let’s call him M, we had drinks and I enjoyed it very much. I go on what I would consider a fair amount of dates, and most of the time they leave me feeling flat. Something along the lines of “there is nothing wrong with this guy but I cannot see myself with him” and generally when the date is over the man leaves my thoughts completely, along with any desire to see him again.

    So it was very nice for me to go out with a guy whose company I really enjoyed, on a few different levels. He was attractive in a way I like… tallish, stocky and in good shape, dark hair and dark eyes, and we had tons to talk about. He was intelligent and passionate about his job and passionate about his interests and about travel. He was outdoorsy and loved his dog. He spoke sweetly and lovingly about his mom and sister. He has a masters degree in a great field which is linked to my own.

    Most of all though there was a wonderful warmth about him. He seemed like he would be a loving and affectionate partner. He comes from (and lives in) a city which is close to mine, and is renowned for its good boys schools which instill good manners and gentlemanly behaviour, and that was very much how I felt around him. He was very nice and well mannered, and that is very important to me.

    He’s travelling for a work for a couple of days, but has asked if he can see me this weekend…



  44.  #44Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 6:40 am

    Monday night Spirit asked me to meet him and a work buddy and his gf at our hangout…
    Yay!!!
    He is sharing HIS life with me– i do soooo love that!

    They were sooo fun… and to watch Spirit interact with his male buddy was exciting!!

    AND Spirit shared his finances with me…

    WOW!! this is a new job for him in a totally new industry and he is #1 Sales man
    I told him how smart and amazing I think he is
    being #1 in this brand new industry!!
    Ohhh… he beams when I show my appreciation!

    Anyway MY point… :-))
    How truly sensitive men are..
    and How much they WANT to make sure we’re happy…
    i arrived at the restaurant and he had saved us a table… and immediately I started COMPLAINING about the location of the table (right beside the kitchen door)
    ohhh… i could visually see him become deflated…
    :-((
    He was sooo excited about setting up this time for me to meet his friends and I was COMPLAINING…
    He nicely told me how he had changed seats several times and this was the best… isn’t it warmer by the kitchen door?!!
    I immediately STOPPED… thanked him for planning this wonderful time together and he melted…
    Ohhh… I’m so glad I have become so much more sensitive to how my actions affect him…
    and I can STOP!! :-))



  45.  #45Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Indigo #43
    Yay!!! I love hearing about a GREAT date!!
    He does sound like VERY promising!!
    Loves dogs and the outdoors.. Biggy on my list too!!
    :-))



  46.  #46Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 6:55 am

    Azure Blu 44,

    YES. So important to try and be happy with anything a man has done to try and please me.



  47.  #47Starla on January 13, 2016 at 7:47 am

    42 Azure, this is so good to remember. It’s challenging to break the habit of being unhappy around our partners. And often times they really have contributed to it, so it takes 2 to break the habit. However, if we go first with breaking the habit, a good man will probably catch up and start having less resistance.

    It’s hard to break the habit. For me it’s been small victories measured in hours. Then my mentality returns to wanting to shake him really hard and say YOU MADE ME FEEL SO ABANDONED AND UNLOVED, AHHHH WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME???????



  48.  #48Starla on January 13, 2016 at 7:53 am

    Blameblameblameblahblahblahblah



  49.  #49Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 8:18 am

    Starla and Indigo
    I agree!!
    It is amazing how, the Right man, will be inspired and change along with us…
    When I first met Spirit, he was very surprised about how I reacted (the Rori way) of course back then I pushed him away more…
    But as I got better at showing my appreciation (and HE is such a positive, upbeat, always giving compliments)
    Just like Rori says:
    “All this will happen because you will feel more relaxed and safe to express who you are,
    and he’ll feel safe to be himself around you.
    You’ll find yourself actually doing less for the relationship
    and yet feeling more adored and cherished
    as a result.”
    It’s MAGICAL!!!



  50.  #50Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 8:28 am

    Starla #47
    “However, if we go first with breaking the habit, a good man will probably catch up and start having less resistance.

    It’s hard to break the habit. For me it’s been small victories measured in hours.”

    Me too small victories… baby steps!!

    AND when I started going first ONLY for *ME*
    knowing if I change my habits I’m not too fond of..
    no matter if the man is capable or not
    I’m loving ME more and my self esteem is growing
    and NO ONE can take that away!!
    Love you Azure – smooch!!
    :-))



  51.  #51Jess on January 13, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Hi,

    Please help me. I have been dating a man for 2 years and recently i have been complaining and getting upset at him. He says i always get upset at him. I suggested taking a break after an argument and he agreed. However after 2 days i told him i dont wanna be on break any more. He still wants to be on break. Its been 3 weeks and he still wants a break and he is saying having a serious relationship is very hard for him as he has to drive to see me all the time and its very exhausting for him especially with his busy work schedule. He said if we lived closer or lived together things would be easier. He suggested making the relationship more casual so he is not stressed. I’m not sure what to do. I really love him and want to be with him but i wont be ok with making the relationship casual. I am not ready to live with him and i do not wanna move nor does he. Please help me.



  52.  #52Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Speaking about habits we want to change in order to love ourselves more, and become more of the person we want to be…

    I have a habit of giving too much time to people. It’s the way I was raised (my mom does the same thing). I was raised with the subtle idea that it’s rude to end a conversation or time together with a person if *they* still want to continue. This was never said to me in so many words, it was just a belief I kind of internalised somewhere along the way. It’s compounded by the fact that as a sensitive, empathic person, people generally feel relaxed and comfortable around you to talk and talk about themselves. I don’t like this for me, though. It makes me feel drained and resentful if I have not specifically signed up to listen to a person’s stories or problems, or for them to go on and on about themselves. If it is someone I have known for a long time and we have a good flow in our relationship, or if it is someone who is considerate enough to let me talk an equal amount of the time, then it is fine and I don’t mind it… it is quite enjoyable in fact.

    But I do find people have a tendency make themselves a bit too comfortable in my presence and then unburden themselves almost like I’m a therapist, and I find this very icky and uncomfortable indeed. It drains away time I need for other things and I do resent it.

    I intend to start setting time limits on my time with people, or leaving conversations in a reasonable time, and not feeling guilty about it. I don’t want people to see me as a confidante or oracle or confessional. I want the people around me to be excited about getting to know me, too.



  53.  #53Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 9:09 am

    Indigo #51
    Yes, I can see, from your thoughtful “listening” and wise comments here on Siren Island,
    that you be a WONDERFUL confidant and friend!
    oxoxo

    Ugghhhh!! “Unburdening themselves like I’m a therapist”… or “confessional” :-))
    I know what you mean… it is very difficult to do the graceful cutoff!



  54.  #54Starla on January 13, 2016 at 9:14 am

    I do feel like I’m breaking the habits for my own sake. I just want to be an upbeat, happy person, because when i am, i attract so many good things to my life:-)



  55.  #55Liquid Light on January 13, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Azure,

    Love it! You are in the zone, girl!!! 🙂



  56.  #56Mandy on January 13, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Oh dear…

    I feel so incredibly BORED today!

    It’s not fun. Boredom often leads to depression with me. It’s like I lack any interest in anything. I at least got out of bed and made coffee and fed and watered the cat…

    I get SO very GRUMPY when I’m bored!

    I could go through my list of things I do…running, grocery shopping (for organic stuffs), crocheting, ah boy…I feel like I have no energy for any of it today and I wish I could do all of it. There’s not enough hours in a day and I don’t drive because of my Tourette’s Syndrome.

    I feel like I am doing a bad job of taking care of myself. I feel defeated and lost.
    My medications don’t exactly help, I am feeling drowsy and unmotivated on them at the moment (allergy and anti-anxiety meds.)

    Macy Gray did a song that says “Get up, get up, do something!” It reminds me of the Sirens. I know of one Siren here who told me even if it feels like a chore do it, do that thing to take care of you…

    Alright. Here’s to trying my best to do these things today.



  57.  #57Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 10:39 am

    (((Mandy)))
    Maybe give yourself a hug?
    I’m sending you hugs!
    oxoxo



  58.  #58Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Liquid Light #54
    Ahhh… your warm words of Encouragement are so soothing! Thank you!



  59.  #59Mandy on January 13, 2016 at 10:43 am

    By the way I wanted to not just come here to vent I wanted to say I am reminded of why I admire Rori.

    I read the story of her singer-songwriter days and I was so star-struck, lol.

    Love her. I feel like one of her biggest fans. Lol.

    Love you Rori. You always remind me of the grace and beauty we all have inside us, especially when the little child inside is hurting and needs a hug, as it were.

    Thanks for continuing to remind us, I can forget sometimes. 🙂



  60.  #60Tee on January 13, 2016 at 11:42 am

    I feel good when I’m here. It’s my therapeutic safe place lol
    I can’t make any promises but I’m trying to come out of my shell, or more accurately, my fortress of self lol

    I think I keep to myself because I’m so fearful of being judged or my thoughts that I am being judged so I play it safe….I kinda don’t DO anything

    This is why I’m “bothered” so often by my fiancé because he won’t allow me to hide. He fully embraces all human flaws & mistakes

    Example, say that I get a bad grade or a hair cut and I’m really upset, he’ll be the first person to joke about it because to him it’s not that serious meaning that it’s OK that I made a mistake or its Ok because hair grows back….
    Me being me, I take it personal
    I feel he’s making fun of me, I feel I’m being judged, he thinks I’m a joke, etc
    I shut down, then he shuts down because he’s a joker and I’m a party pooper

    I don’t know if one or the other is “right”….I just know that I seem to be so tender everywhere

    I don’t do this because of that
    I won’t do that because of this
    Everything is a cant, won’t or don’t with me & most of it is because…if I really think about it….I hate making mistakes, looking dumb and having people possibly comment on it

    So I don’t often venture out, try new things for fear of falling on my face & then God forbid someone wants to talk to me about my falling on my face lol

    It makes my skin crawl & it’s especially bad with my fiancé, I’m just really susceptible to his words & it doesn’t help that he can be very blunt although he means no harm

    He’s admittedly trying to work on that, his way of speaking to me so I appreciate that

    I’m making a list of things to do WITH/FOR myself this year and it seems that the Universe is cooperating!

    One of my favorite gym classes is coming back
    And they’re opening up a Spa in my area, I haven’t had a massage in ages and it’s right on time for my birthday in March

    Yaaaayyyy!



  61.  #61Starla on January 13, 2016 at 11:49 am

    Tee, the way you describe how you feel all the time is sort of like how I feel all the time. I remember you said something about your mom being pretty narcissistic, so maybe like me you’ve been conditioned from birth to never be comfortable. Be uncomfortable all the time, always worrying that you’re getting it wrong, that someone is doing you wrong, never ever ever just “comfortable,” walking a tight rope all the time like every way you turn or move will just hurt you in some way….



  62.  #62Starla on January 13, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    I always feel like pretty much every interaction with my man is a chance to get it wrong. It’s so serious and so heavy on me.



  63.  #63Tee on January 13, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    #60 Starla, that makes so much sense!
    I also hide my body. I’ve always worn baggy clothes. My fiancé can’t figure out what the big deal.

    I see it in my sister too. She’s an introvert as well. Always hiding.
    She’s only 20 & already she doesn’t like to see herself naked.

    I’m like Are you serious? She’s built like a model. She’s about 5’9 1/2 (taller than my fiancé in her bare feet lol) and she has a slim frame, her legs go on for miles I’m so jealous (I’m 5’3) but she’s so serious sometimes…like me

    Being there with Mom is effecting her health, I know it is but I can’t Force/Make her leave before her time
    All I can do is be her Harbor. Sometimes it’s soooo not enough



  64.  #64Femininewoman on January 13, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Our Deepest Fear

    by Marianne Williamson

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”



  65.  #65Azure Blu on January 13, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Starla and TEE
    Wow… that was me!!
    I have been battling this for years…
    chip on my shoulder… always feel like I’m NOT good enough…
    I had a VERY narcissistic mom (diagnosed)
    and NOTHING i did was ever enough!!!
    Addiction to religion

    I would blank out (literaly see black) whenever someone would even hint of talking about feelings!!!!

    I would get extremely angry about anything that caused me confusion and yell at the people closest to me.
    It was sooo uncomfortable to be ME… :-((

    The book that saved my life (15 yrs ago)
    was the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner…
    and now Rori’s tools!!
    The transformation is a miracle!!!
    Wow… I had forgotten how bad i used to feel!!
    Love you Azure!! Sweet wounded heart… hugss!!!



  66.  #66Millie on January 13, 2016 at 12:57 pm

    Victoria 35— I love this!!! I had to laugh to myself after reading your suggestion in comparison to mine. I am really noticing the energy of where my words are stemming and what I suggested was very honest, serious, and a little idefensive. I really like your vibe and how easy and light your answer was.



  67.  #67Tee on January 13, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    #64 Azure Blue,

    I just put that book on hold at the library 🙂



  68.  #68Rori Raye on January 13, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Jess – I don’t know how old you are – and yet, if you don’t want to move to live with him – how about you just start Circular Dating? Isn’t that the definition of “casual”? It means you get to date him, and others! Do that!

    And – please contact one of my great Certified Coaches to learn to STOP the complaining and being upset – it helps nothing and only drives a man away. Love Rori



  69.  #69Indigo on January 13, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Starla,

    I feel like this is one way in which we can learn from men in a big way, and from other women who have mastered the ability to be more carefree.

    They don’t tend to ruminate and hold onto things, and I have learnt that this form of liberation is there for all of us to access if we choose to.

    I know what that feeling is like that you are describing. I grew up in an extremely turbulent and dramatic and volatile and much of it was entirely unjustly blamed on me (my parents just didn’t know any better at the time)…

    But the liberation is that that is the past. I don’t have to keep dragging it with me like a dead animal. It isn’t “who I am” and it absolutely doesn’t have to define how I choose to live my life – which is with grace and a sense of adventure and curiosity and freedom. It was also a revelation to me to realise that people are absolutely not trying to hurt me most of the time – I get to choose how I respond to them at every moment.



  70.  #70Emerson on January 13, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    41 azure it’s been one week since I gave him my number



  71.  #71Azure Blu on January 14, 2016 at 6:10 am

    FW #63
    Beautiful… just beautiful!!



  72.  #72Azure Blu on January 14, 2016 at 6:40 am

    Tee #68
    Ohhh… good darling Siren..
    I hope you find it as helpful as I did!!
    oxoxo



  73.  #73Azure Blu on January 14, 2016 at 6:53 am

    Emerson #70
    Mmmm… I’m sure there is a playful way for you to
    contact him and show interested…
    My thoughts are… because you know this man,,,
    He said to YOU “don’t be a stranger”
    I think it would be just fine to lean forward a bit…

    Does any Sirens have a good light hearted SHORT scritpt for Emerson…
    something like… “i’m hoping YOU are one of the winners of the billion dollar lottery?” :-))



  74.  #74Femininewoman on January 14, 2016 at 6:56 am

    I posted that poem for Tee hoping she find something in it. It came to mind when I read about hiding oneself in baggy clothes. Isn’t it interesting the things our minds trick us into thinking and doing to ourselves?

    I woke up this morning with the feeling that I can give myself love through forgiving myself. Through forgiving myself I can let go of the hurt that others have caused to me as I forgive them also, and in letting go I get to let go of the shame and regret that is attached to the feelings.



  75.  #75Femininewoman on January 14, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Azure/Emerson

    Because of the feelings expressed – the waiting and the temptation – I would encourage Emerson to lean forward. Reason being that I think the energy would be one of wanting to make something happen. That said, Emerson I’d encourage you to check in with yourself and see if it is something you are wanting from this man. If it is a carefree, no agenda attitude then I don’t think you’d be asking about for advice whether to call this guy or not. Do you think you can consciously shift your vibe and energy into carefree non-chalance?



  76.  #76Azure Blu on January 14, 2016 at 8:00 am

    Tee #61
    You are doing amazing TEE!!!

    “Example, say that I get a bad grade or a hair cut and I’m really upset,
    he’ll be the first person to joke about it because to him it’s not that serious
    meaning that it’s OK that I made a mistake or its Ok because hair grows back….
    Me being me, I take it personal
    I feel he’s making fun of me, I feel I’m being judged, he thinks I’m a joke, etc
    I shut down, then he shuts down because he’s a joker and I’m a party pooper ”

    I might be all wrong here… BUT
    What I have found out (studying Rori and Evan Katz and others)
    And you have touched on it in this comment
    E is worried about YOUR happiness and is doing his best to help YOU (the woman he loves) to feel better!!

    I found myself in this exact spot often…
    one of the things that I started doing to help ME
    get out of feeling so defensive..
    When these feelings start to arise
    I touch something – my purse – my jeans-
    whatever was close by and concentrate on the texture, was it rough, smooth etc…
    and that would calm me a bit…
    then I would try and share what my feelings were
    “I feel embarrassed – I feel defensive –
    and I know you are being sooo sweet
    and trying to help me feel better… thank you!”
    It breaks the old pattern that is about ready to play out!!
    of course the other person doesn’t always react to these statements as i would like..
    But it takes time for them to trust us
    Trust our changing the dynamics…
    time… be patient with YOU and Him!!
    You are doing amazing TEE!!!
    oxoxo



  77.  #77Azure Blu on January 14, 2016 at 8:03 am

    FW #74
    Ahhh… lovely Siren
    Yes!! to self forgiveness
    the elixir of the gods!!!



  78.  #78Femininewoman on January 14, 2016 at 8:11 am

    Oops 75 – I meant I would encourage Emerson to ~lean back~ not forward.



  79.  #79Tee on January 15, 2016 at 6:08 am

    #76 I love your translations Azure Blue lol

    It would have taken me a while to figure out that E’s jokes /wisecracking is him trying to make me happy

    I take it day by day lol

    I got another eye infection so of course E had to throw in a few Popeye jokes since I’m squinting all over the place but he’s been really helpful…opening car doors, more help with the baby, etc

    I don’t get him all of the time lol or maybe I’m just slow lol



  80.  #80Tee on January 15, 2016 at 11:50 am

    #65 FW

    Thank you! I do think most people are afraid of their own power. I sometimes have to remind myself that I am powerful and capable



  81.  #81Emerson on January 16, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    Thanks fw and azure!
    Ah can I shift my energy to a carefree view of it all…hmm maybe …
    I *do* feel curious about him and have thought about what it would be like to date him.
    I’ll have to think about this and see if I can shift….
    Thank ladies



  82.  #82Femininewoman on January 17, 2016 at 5:16 am

    Emerson I’d also use all of that “thinking energy” to pour love and forgiveness over myself. I practiced that all week and by the end of the week a very old flame was apologizing extremely profusely for all of his perceived damage to me from decades back. He was calling all week first thing in the mornings and acting like we are in a relationship. Or maybe trying to convince me to come back? Despite distance, his marriage which failed and a slew of broken relationships decades later he still believe I am the One.



  83.  #83Azure Blu on January 18, 2016 at 9:50 am

    FW #82
    Wow… this example that just happened to you with a CD from your past – were you surprised to hear from him?
    This certainly is a very powerful tool!!
    Thank you for sharing!
    oxoxo



  84.  #84Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 10:46 am

    Not surprised to hear from just surprised about the intensity of the apologies.