How To Stop Protecting Yourself From Love

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There was a lot of conflict here on the blog this week – felt like jabs and punches, and everyone taking things personally, and old wounds opening up, and old tiffs rekindled.

Daria was at the beginning, and in some ways at the center, giving and taking “flak,” and, bless Daria, she emailed me about it.

I knew our dialogue would help me talk about my feelings and thought around all this, and help me lead you to what, to me, is a better place to launch love. So – we’ll start here:

From Daria:

Hi Rori!

Happy new year!  I had a great time!

I got triggered by Brenda yesterday (she really mirrors a friend I have in real life) and said some intense feelings to her (including I hate you and Go away)

I actually feel happy having expressed those things and like its a step for me being open with men.  And helped me set some new boundaries (I will not ignore my discomfort).

I am getting attacked now, since last nite…  I only read the side bar – it was triggering… so haven’t read those posts.  From the other posters…

it seems it’s bad what she’s saying about me.  It’s feeling a bit draining and weird to skip posts yet hear about how bad stuff is being said about me (just like the Jacqueline situation – but in that case I was rather untriggered because I was happy to have discovered my new ability to NOT READ posts 🙂   )

Would you have some insights to share on the blog on this… even about how I can improve my communication or process if that’s what helps.  Thanks.  Cuz I feel kinda like… overtriggered to be attacked repeatedly…

Thanks Rori!

PS – If you are busy, I will be ok, don’t worry!

Love you!  Hope you and your family are having a great year already!

From Me

Sweetie – I caught your triggered stuff to Brenda – and I don’t know how you want to take this – but I would encourage you to apologize. Big time. Learning to express yourself in a non-violent and non-attacking way is what you’re learning…

You didn’t say – I’m feeling so angry because I feel the way I feel about a friend of mine – I’m triggered that same way. Hate and anger is welling up inside me. Instead – you attacked.

I’ve seen you attack Brenda quite a bit, actually, and think she’s tolerated it in a very classy way.

You are very judgmental of her with your words…that’s how it comes across to me – and you are so spectacular, and such a beacon on the blog, it hurts to see you go there.

Attack is not good for you or any of us…and, again, I would encourage you to apologize deeply and discuss it.

Brenda is not your friend…and she’s doing the best she can, as are you.

It seems to me she felt highly of you until this.

I think she would be open to working this through with you.

She’s a sweet woman, and she is where she is – as are we all.  And it’s triggering you.

The idea is to heal all of us together.

I love how you riff – you are my queen of riffing –  but, that wasn’t riffing, and I know you know it.

Anger is not the representative of boundaries.

Spewing is never a good thing.

From Daria

Rori – I feel sad!  and confused!

Can you help me express what I feel then please in a way that is healing?  I feel weird and like i’m being taken advantage of.  I feel like … i dono how i feel…

i feel helpless to express myself … and it feels bad… and i want to find my boundaries around this…

i really thought that i expressed myself and showed my ‘ugly’ emotions, not attacked.  I guess I can see how that’s an attack… in some ways…. because I said she’s lying? and that’s just a judgment.

I thought i finally found my boundaries.  Now i feel lost like I lost them all over again.  🙁

I just don’t want to tolerate what looks to me like people playing victim:  and I want to express this without blaming AND without pretending.  I feel angry when I see it because I feel like I’m being tricked.

And then I get shut down and detached.  And I feel angry.  I don’t want this to keep showing up in my life Rori.

And I don’t want to keep falling into being judgmental with my words.  It’s hard to strike a balance.

My metaphor is the needle junkie person.  Do i sit with them while they’re injecting?  or not?  Do I say something?  My new boundary was not to ignore my discomfort  but to say just what I feel :  uncomfortable, icky, anger, hatred, sadness… whatever…

that’s what I thought I was doing with Brenda.  I intended it to be healing.

I feel all limp right now  🙁

From Me:

Daria – this is great – and it gives me a way to answer you: Let me know if you want me to post our exchange here…I think it would be fabulous. Here’s what you said that I want to highlight:

I just don’t want to tolerate what looks to me like people playing victim:  and I want to express this without blaming AND without pretending.  I feel angry when I see it because I feel like I’m being tricked

My metaphor is the needle junkie person.  Do i sit with them while they’re injecting?  or not?  Do I say something?  My new boundary was not to ignore my discomfort  but to say just what I feel :  uncomfortable, icky, anger, hatred, sadness… whatever…

Look at these.

1. Now ask yourself – why am I so involved in what that other person is doing?

Brenda surely wasn’t attacking you, or hurting you, or being in your face…she was just being Brenda.

So – if she plays “victim” (whether or not that’s true, or quantitative or measurable..) – what business is it of yours (unless you’re a paid coach – and then you need skills and training to deal with this…) – and why do YOU get to point it out?

Why are you taking on healing her by playing tough love?

She didn’t ask you for that.

This is YOUR stuff – not hers.

Make sense?

2. If someone near you or someone you care about is being a love junkie (and almost all my clients are…in ways we ALL are…) – the LAST thing you want to do is make them feel bad about it.

When we’re acting like, thinking like, feeling like a junkie – it’s BECAUSE we feel bad about ourselves.

The appropriate and healing place to go inside you is – “I’m triggered. I forgive myself. I forgive her. I feel compassion for myself. I feel compassion for her. I express all that by not making her wrong, but by loving myself and her by saying how I feel triggered and reminded of how I can be like a junkie – in this way – when I hear that.”

If I were to suggest some things for you around this it would be: Byron Katie and Course in Miracles (you have to take a class, it’s challenging to do it on your own – not as much fun…)

Daria – you’re almost there.

You’re so mad at yourself for stuff – when you see it in others you go crazy – we’re all like this…and you’d be an amazing coach with some training.

Basically – coaching training helps you see what’s yours and what’s there’s –so you don’t react when triggered, and you stay in compassion and the truth…but it’s in a coach-like way. Very healing for the coach.

Helpful? I believe in you – I’m not reprimanding you…And – go ahead and apologize to Brenda if all this makes sense to you.

Love, Rori

From Daria

this feels much better to read

I want to apologize to Brenda if it hurt her to read what I wrote to her (most likely) and for attacking.

But… i still feel GLAD when I think that I said what I said. I felt relief and some awe. I felt like i took a step and cleared out stuff for me… like touching the bad stuff to get to more good stuff… — so i feel unsure of whether to apologize for saying it in that, I don’t wish I hadn’t said it. (is there more here? maybe I do wish I’d said it differently? like you did? but maybe just that I tried Something made me feel good and cleared some stuff? unsure… afraid that feelings aren’t our compass since it felt good to have said that) – can you help me understand why it felt so… like i did something healing and great?

I’m trying to teach myself to be a coach by observing coaches I like. so I am interested. People sometimes come to me to coach/help them.

Thanks for believing in me. I will redouble my focus on myself.  I feel fear… ok that must be right then… ugh. i dont’ want to deal with this <- thought. doing Rosa’s stop sign tool. ok that worked fast. I DO want to deal with this and embrace it.

From Me

You’re great, Daria…this made me want to do a teleclass with all those of you involved here, and everyone who likes to give advice and be coach-like – just on how to be coach-like! Can’t be like the CTI course I took…but might be illuminating….

I think it felt good because you didn’t feel so stuffed down – you felt aggressive, and that was good and felt good!

You want to tell someone off – but it isn’t Brenda. Who is it?

It’s good to get that stuff out…and in therapy – that’s what the therapist or coach does – let’s you get that stuff out. But here…it’s not a therapist – it’s a person that isn’t you, and yet IS you…so the stuff around it is different.

Love, Rori

From Daria:

That’s True! it’s not Brenda – its my friend! and myself!! haha!!!

Thanks RORI!!!

feeling great!!! THANKS A MILLION!!!

Next…we have to make the peace.

The really hard part about expressing outrage and anger and plain-out rage is that if you’re going to “dish it out” – you have to be able to “take it.”

And that makes you have to be hard and protected and always on guard. If you’re dishing – you’re going to get it back. And we KNOW that – and so we have to be prepared.

This is not conducive to love. Love requires a sort of passivity…where you don’t feel the need to protect yourself.

I’m not saying that playing “nice” makes you safe…I’m saying that “nice” on the outside with “tough” on the inside is a better way to go than the reverse. Soft on the outside, strong on the inside. That’s the ticket.

I’ll take it one step at a time.

Love, Rori

Posted in

396 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 7, 2011 at 7:58 am

    I actually feel happy having expressed those things and like its a step for me being open with men. And helped me set some new boundaries (I will not ignore my discomfort).

    This concept has been hard for me in the past especially with someone I really like but now I set my intention to really Trust my Boundaries.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on January 7, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Rori thanks for posting this. It is really triggerring as well as healing at the same time. For me it goes to show how important communication is and looking at the response I get of my communication. Just this morning I was working through some stuff with a male friend of mine and he indicated that most times it is about how I present in tone and attitude that creates problems. Not necessarily what I am saying, though there might be disagreement.



  3.  #3Deb on January 7, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Oh, this is just what I needed to read right now!

    Femwoman – right on! you picked out the part that resonates with me so much right now, about “I will not ignore my discomfort”

    I had to confront my old patterns big time when I was home for the holidays. My whole life I’ve been stuffing my feelings around my Dad in order to be the “good girl,” and now that I’m learning to break that up, coming home to the source was challenging.

    It was an interesting observation, though. I see how my Mom doesn’t express when she is upset and leaves my poor Dad clueless and frustrated about what to do. They have a good marriage, but I wonder if they do all of their communication in private or something because I never got to see how that works. I actually feel deprived of lots of lessons  My Mom doesn’t like to talk about anything uncomfortable: my period, sex, boyfriends, nada! I used to feel resentful, but now I feel love & acceptance for her. I know I’ll do things differently, though.

    My Nana, on the other hand – well she is just awesome to observe! I mean, talk about feminine energy! She is *always* expressing what is going on for her. You will find yourself doing a million favors for her, but she is never demanding, she is the queen of “don’t wants” like “oh, I don’t want to bend down to pick that up…” “I don’t want to be alone all day…” “I don’t want to trouble you…”

    And let me also add, the lady gets RESPECT! She is *never* afraid to stand up for herself. If you bad mouth someone she cares about, you’ll get a quick, firm, “Hey, I don’t like hearing that! That’s my ___ you’re talking about” boom, boundary set. So yeah, I think that she helped me practice Trusting My Boundaries.

    If only she could relax about shoving food down our throats… “Whasamatta, you don’t like that? Just try it! Are you hungry?…” aaaalll daaaayyy!



  4.  #4Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Rori, this feels fantastic to read. Thank you! Daria, thank you for allowing Rori to share your dialogue with everyone. <3



  5.  #5Femininewoman on January 7, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Deb thanks for sharing about your mom. My mom is constantly in masculine energy doing for everyone to the point that it irritates me and I withdraw from her. When she talks it is in a harsh tone and always so negative I wonder how my father stands her these 40+ years. Now that I am learning I am seeing myself in her and am staying aware of changing my tone and lowering my voice. I am trying to bring it to the attention of my sister but sometimes it seems lost on both of them. However, there are times when I speak to my sister in a lower tone that she naturally responds what seems like unconsciously.

    Re my dad I have spent most of my life trying to be good enough for him and seeking validation through things I do. I grow being told that I was the one not loved by him because I do not have physical features that all the others had genetically transferred by him. It is triggerring deep inside my stomach even though I have been dealing with it now for years after having realized what it was. It hurts to remember that I grew up not being loved, it hurts having been told by my mother that you are not beautiful, only attractive. I know they were doing the best they could at the time but I still feel this deep longing like something is missing. I try to communicate as much as possible with my own kids to heal this and not to perpetuate the pattern with them, especially my daughter. But I have to admit that when I first faced this I realized that I had been unconsciously pushing my daughter away.

    Now I had an aha moment just writing this. I realized I have deep fears that my beloved (when I find him) will eventually push me away, not loving me. It is so strong I am shaking. Can something be so deeply buried below our consciousness and awareness?

    I realease that fear out of my stomach now. I believe I am worth loving, I do not have to do anything to deserve it. Everybody loves me. I love me. I am beautiful and worthy. I love myself.



  6.  #6tinque on January 7, 2011 at 10:13 am

    “Can something be so deeply buried below our consciousness and awareness?”

    Yes Femininewoman, most of our stuff lies deeply buried, our of our consciousness UNTIL we become aware, if we we become aware. Many don’t, but you are here, so you have taken the steps to uncover this stuff.

    Even with the awareness, there will always be more of this and that which may pop and surprise you now and then, but the more you work in this way, the easier it becomes to deal with these things and heal them.

    xxoo



  7.  #7Femininewoman on January 7, 2011 at 10:18 am

    For me it is amazing and shocking. Thanks Tinque.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on January 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I just realized something. A male colleague just passed by me and I just realized he has always felt icky to me. He always tries to touch me on my foream over the years and have recently done it saying “I want to feel the softness”. While I acknowledge that the softness is what RR seems to teach that men want to fall in love with, I just realized that coming from him this felt like feminine energy. Looking at him I realize he is mostly not aggressive and have even described himself as useless regarding certain things, even those other men use to make themselves look macho. Again I feel the shaky trembling feeling in my gut and numbness by my lips as I acknowledge that I must seem attractive to very feminine men even though I intellectually and mentally want to attract masculine men. I can clearly see how men have been mostly on their masculine side in my presence. I love being a girl and radiating feminine energy. Now I know why the masculine energy men always withdraw from and we tend to fight most of the times. Oh for the joy of being feminine and building harmony in relationships. I long to be there and to deeply surrender to a masculine man.



  9.  #9Andrea on January 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I feel so yucky right now; so sad and so tired. I don’t know what to do!

    My husband and I have been happy together since we met, but lately things have really be painful. He always wanted to be with me, always had time for me, etc. Then we married, and he started working a lot. He started saying he needed more time alone. I am naturally extraverted. It was hard at first and I felt very lonely. Then, I started going out with friends more, trying to make new friends, working out, etc. He wouldn’t commit to telling me when he would be home from work, or if he would be, so I stopped expecting him to come home. I have been a bit sad that he doesn’t feel like I am important anymore, but I have been feeling better since I have started getting on with my life.

    But he is getting mad about it. He started a big conversation/fight about it last night. He tried to say it was my fault for not contacting him during the day while he’s at work and for not being more flexible about when/how we can reconnect. I want him to plan a date for us, like he used to. I know it would be great if I were more open when he wanted to reconnect, but I feel mad about all the times he has not had time for me so it feels really icky and fake. I don’t want to. Today I tried to send him some feeling messages while he was at work, but he has not responded. I feel foolish and angry and sad now. And I feel confused.

    Anyone have any thoughts?

    Humbly,
    Andrea



  10.  #10Simply Shannon on January 7, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Daria of the Golden Heart tribe, you are golden to me! Proud of you sista! <3

    Deb, I want to be your Nana! Haha! How simple! When I image my grandmother saying those same words, I can see it so simply, so direct, so concise, and yet still so nice, almost sugary smooth. Woohoo! Thank you for sharing that.

    A simple gossip stopper (Dorothea, I'm thinking of you!)…

    Oh honey that feels bad. I don't want to talk about Susie Q or John Doe.



  11.  #11malaikah on January 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Thankyou for that, Rori… a very interesting post.

    I’m a natural at advising people and acting as a therapist, but it’s sometimes really difficult for me to know whether it would be better for the person I’m advising, to allow my own feelings to skew my advice… mostly I think it’s better not to.

    Noone is the same as you, everyone has reasons for being the way they are, and what they do.

    When it comes to me, I can notably see the difference in how I express myself; I use feeling statements a lot more, and it feels good!

    I was triggered by the conversation, though…
    Daria: I feel your sadness and your confusion. Forgive yourself, we’re all on a journey here.
    And I’m glad you’re able to express yourself and get your feelings out there… I haven’t posted much on here, but I’ve read some of your posts, and you’re such a diva. Love you girl!



  12.  #12Turtle Girl on January 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Wow.

    This is awesome stuff.

    I know every single time I try and “take on” other peoples sh*t, it is because something about it makes me super uncomfortable, angry, sad, etc. and/or because it triggers me it has to do with my own sh*t.

    Man how I hate victims, of course I do cuz I am/have been one. I hate angry folks too, cuz I am/have been angry. By trying to fix others I have avoided my own s*it. Ugh. Ugly, but freeing whenever the gods saw to let me realize what the frick I was doing. Then wonder of wonders if I was lucky it would be healed. Ongoing process to be sure.



  13.  #13Amy on January 7, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Random question/thought: I was thinking about the time when I feel the most insecure about my bf and how he feels and I notice it is when I start questioning my own satisfaction in something. If I felt uneasy or not turned on, I think: “hmm, did he feel the same? Am I not making him happy?” Etc. Has anyone else noticed this about themselves?



  14.  #14tinque on January 7, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Amy – The world is often your mirror. Most of the time if you think your man is being whatever it is you think he’s being, likely it’s you being or feeling that way.

    If he seems distant, it’s probably you feeling disconnected for whatever reason.

    If he seems unhappy, it’s you who are feeling unhappy. And so on.

    It’s really difficult sometimes knowing if what you’re sensing from him is not a projection of your own stuff. Most of the time it is.

    What I suggest in these time is to let it be for awhile. If the sense persists or if you’re very clear that it’s NOT your stuff, then ask him about it. Ask him if there’s anything on his mind he wants to tell you. If he says no, then leave it alone. It’s either true, or he’s not ready to share.

    xxoo



  15.  #15Daria on January 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Deb – your NANA sounds AWESOME!!!

    🙂

    hehe i know about the food shoving *rolls eyes with a smile*

    have you tried…

    Nana that doesn’t feel good… ilove the food and i don’t want a lot piled on me at once!

    hehe



  16.  #16Jim on January 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Holy giminee cricket ladies.

    Rori’s post above w/ Daria about what happened with Brenda last week. Hmm….? I just happened to be reading as the comments flowed in. Hmm…? again…. Hmm…?!

    I just might hmm… myself a song or two…!!
    For the non existent men in this blog, I’ll translate the way a man sees this. Ok, the way this man sees wasss up…

    One kid came to the parade upset, grief stricken. Another kid didn’t want to deal with it, as a matter of fact, this other kid jumped on her own band wagon and helped her feel worse, tried to anyway. Then some other kids joined the pummel parade. Later, they all calmed down, empathized and apologized. Well. maybe with the exception of one.

    Most of the time, when I’m feeling bad. I ask myself, “Self, why are you feeling this way?” Self says, “Piss off.” Next thing you know, I’m all conflicted with myself. So, now I’ve recognized, this is my problem, my doing, my creation with myself and now, some of those around me. Myself only knows how to react the way I’ve allowed it to learn to act.

    Me and Myself, we get along better now. My self & I reside everywhere within my self. I am myself today. Tomorrow? Well, me might have words with myself and I. You know, that conflict stuff again.

    Now that there are 3 of us. We vote on, “What’s the best possible way to handle this or that?” What’s best for everyone involved because like or not, we are all involved with one another. Everybody counts, even the 3 of me and all of us.

    One might ask, “Who counts more?” I would have to say, “Us.”

    Now, if you don’t mind? I’m gonna fire up the ole crack pipe, sit back, relax and let all the love in the universe come to me. Because that’s what the universe wants to do, love me, me, me…!! Though I do understand I need to find out if this is the best universe for me. Maybe I’ll CD multiple universes just to make sure I’m on the right wave length?

    Universe No.1, step right up. I hope your the one cause I like you best. BUT, there are others out there, so be on your best behavior, show me your the one that loves me most. Otherwise, there’s always another universe ready and willing to take your place.

    CRAP, this is all good in theory, HELLO OUT THERE!! I need more worms holes and PRONTO!

    A fond good evening ladies,
    Jim



  17.  #17Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    It feels good being a teenager again too. Somewhat good?

    SLV



  18.  #18Lisi on January 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Oooh, I am feeling like going home and climbing into bed in a fetal position!

    I posted yesterday about my former bf. He’s moved away and we’ve had a very intense week. Yesterday, he expressed his appreciation for my having dated others in the beginning of our relationship.

    Today, he’s angry that I’m dating others now.

    He asked me about my ad, and I answered that I’m dating. Then he said, “I hope you find him.”

    I said, “I’m confused. Yesterday, you were saying, “We both want so much more” and today “I hope you find him.” Are you angry with me? Or just needing space? I’m about to cry. Please be gentle with me. I care about you. But, if you’re not going to be the man in my life, I owe it to myself to keep looking.”

    Him: I love your heart. Gentle and honest.

    Quickly, he tells me I’ve brought him to tears. Then, “you have men on your plate.”

    Me: “You have never made a commitment to me. You haven’t come to see me. You have the power to change this.”

    Him: U r right….And so do u…

    Me: You need to claim me as your woman and there won’t be other guys. It has always been you who was unwilling to commit. Not me

    Him: so keep running free

    then

    you scare me

    Me: You scare me because I open my heart to you & you go back to “you have a friend in CITY NAME” I need emotional safety if I’m gonna stop dating.

    Him: Interesting. Well then you just need to carry on don’t you?

    *****

    So — did I do this wrong? I don’t think so. Clearly, my feeling words at the beginning opened his heart — but then he still wanted to insist I stop dating before he comes to see me.

    And this guy has ALWAYS been HOT and COLD guy.

    Add to this — I recently started sleeping with someone else I have been dating over 3 months — and he suddenly decided he wants to be friends with benefits.

    So, I’m really feeling a bit down.

    I do feel proud of myself for holding my ground and not giving in when he put on the pressure without giving me any commitment of his own.

    Any advice?



  19.  #19Symantha on January 7, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Hey Ladies,
    Happy New Year!!! for all of you…

    I got a dilemma and hope to receive some advice in how to express my feelings and boundaries.

    Im CD but only got 2 guys in my rotation and 1 is the favorite (2 months dating), I know is against the rules but can’t help it 😉

    I wen’t away for 4 weeks in Christmas and only the fav kept in touch by text and called once but I missed the call (intentionally) as I felt afraid of what to say (fear of intimacy ?) but were almost daily sweet texts.
    Last one I received was in new years eve, since then nothing until yesterday where he says he has just arrived in town and had a horrible flu for the past few days and still not feels great so is going to rest to feel better, that he wants to see me in 2 days. I feel disappointed for not hearing from him in a week also want to see him but im not sure how to answer his text in an authentic way to honours myself and also how to express my boundaries about texting/calling.

    I know this is a Universal problem so please send me your ideas.

    Love to you all,
    SYmantha



  20.  #20Daria on January 7, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Lisi , the you need to language took the intrraction downhill.

    Next time keep trying feeling messages

    And of course, keep cding… Good for you!

    ps Rori saiys its good that hes mad…



  21.  #21Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    I like this article and also feel triggeredby a few things. That’s okay. Triggering is good. It brings expansion. That feels good.

    On another note, I officially have the winter blahs. I feel determined to get thru this.



  22.  #22Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    18: Symantha says:

    “..Im CD but only got 2 guys in my rotation and 1 is the favorite (2 months dating), I know is against the rules but can’t help it ..”

    What “rules” do you mean?

    SLV



  23.  #23Lisi on January 7, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Daria —

    Thanks. You’re right. The feeling messages definitely open him up.

    I’d say it’s good that he’s mad AND it’s good that he’s asking whether I’m dating other guys. It gets under his skin, which is what he needs to overcome his fears.

    I did hear back from him a few minutes ago. He’s calmed down a little, but I’m at work, so no more conversation.



  24.  #24Symantha on January 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    SLV,

    the Cding rules, ‘treat them equally’! lol



  25.  #25Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    @LG

    I had “blahs” yesterday. The Christmas trees, decorations, all the many lights, and the snow! all gone…

    Today, I walked around for about forty-five minutes as snow fell and I enjoyed it very much. My walking buddy told me, guess what??

    (She started crocheting again last week and is now on her third beret…)

    “Crocheting really relaxes you, doesn’t it? You don’t think about any troubles…it’s like therapy…” 😆

    We laughed about that. We decided it *is* therapy. (I already knew that… :wink:)

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  26.  #26Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    23: Symantha says:

    “SLV,
    the Cding rules, ‘treat them equally’! lol”

    Really? I wouldn’t want to do that. I’ve never seen Rori write that suggestion on blog. Is that on DVD only or is there a link to a thread?

    I would have a hard time reconciling that to her encouragement to have sexual exclusivity with only one man while meeting and getting to know others. That feels natural and feels right to me. To do otherwise might mean “instant relationships” with any man I met.
    😯
    A few hours ago i reread Rori’s post…

    What do you think of it?

    How Many Men Can You Have Sex With At the Same Time (On Different Days, Anyway)

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/how-many-men-can-you-have-sex-with-at-the-same-time-on-different-days-anyway/

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  27.  #27Lisi on January 7, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I’ve been wondering about the “sexual exclusivity” thing.

    If you think Circular Dating frees up your inner siren — you should try having multiple sexual relationships.

    I discovered this by accident before I started reading Rori when I dated a guy who wanted polyamory. I dated him and had a lover and they both knew about each other.

    It TOTALLY set me free. Y’all can think I’m a slut if you want — but it’s amped up Circular Dating and it DOES change your perspective.

    Be honest. Be careful. Don’t catch anything. Use your good judgment. But, if you get the chance — try it. It’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do….



  28.  #28Symantha on January 7, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    SLV,

    yes it’s under Targeting Mr. Rigth DVD, all rori’s teaching have rules for us to help set boundaries.



  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    @27: Symantha says:

    “SLV,
    yes it’s under Targeting Mr. Rigth DVD, all rori’s teaching have rules for us to help set boundaries.”

    I perceived a whole different direction when I read the post I linked to above.

    What do you think of that post?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  30.  #30Tori on January 7, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have been reading some of your newsletters and they have been helpful so first of all thank you. But I am so confused over a certain man in my life. We have been friends for awhile and work together and we get along great. Several months ago he tried very hard to get my attention and I just did not want to start a relationship with him because I thought once he could have me he wouldnt want me anymore and that it was more about “the game” and trying to get me to fall for him. But he kept insisting that he really wanted to go on dates with me and that I should just give him a chance. Well, I finally gave him a chance and it started out good. He would call and tell me he was thinking about me and wanted to hang out. He would come over to my place about once a week but we werent really “going out”. After several weeks of this, (and I hadnt been initiating calling him, he would actually call me several times a week), I told him that I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him and just wanted to be honest with him about my feelings. He seemed happy and appreciative and even told me that he too enjoyed all the time we spent together and over and over again he would tell me that he wanted us to go on “dates”. I told him that I would like that very much. Well, at work, he would be all over me, whispering things in my ear, rubbing up against me, etc. At this point I started calling him maybe once or twice a week but allowed him to make more “moves” such as calling me, etc. A few weeks ago we actually went on a “date” and had a great time. He was very affectionate at work, as affectionate as one can be without anyone noticing….but then all of a sudden stopped calling me. And this type of behavior from him is like a weekly occurrence. He seems so interested in me half the time and the other he is distant. Ugh! He is sooooo hot and cold and I just dont know what to make of this. I’m so confused. Please help.



  31.  #31Jilly on January 7, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Lisi…it feels encouraging to hear your conversation with your man about exclusivity…yay for you to keep CDing

    Symantha…that would feel bad to me too…how come he was only texting and not calling? I feel curious about this since you were dating for 2 months? did that feel weird to you?

    what about

    I feel happy to hear from you…and it would feel good to get together

    and then perhaps on the date do some feeling messages if you still feel the need to about how it felt weird not to hear from him for that week…or something like that…or just see if it happens again…

    what do you think?



  32.  #32Nancy on January 7, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    SLV,

    Thanks for saying I’ve got spunk in your comment on the last thread. It rang in my head all day and felt great!

    I just read the post you linked to. For me, the question is do I wait until I’m engaged before I become sexual with a man? I think this would be my preference, but is there actually a single guy out there who would ask a woman to marry him without having had sex with her? I certainly have never known one. Has any woman here had that experience, or know of a woman who has? Men seem to have us so trained to sleep with them in order to get the love we crave and, as we all know, that often turns out to be a raw deal for us.

    It feels important to not sleep with any man until I know he’s “interested in forever with” me, as RR puts it in the post. I have found that if I have any real interest and feeling for a man, sex leads to very intense feelings of attachment for me and I’m afraid that I’ll lose my way again and feel trapped and heartbroken. Again. And, truth be known, I have had such intense feelings of attachment after casual sex (when I was younger) that I though I was in love with men who, without sex, I wouldn’t take a second look at. So I also know that it can cloud my judgement. This is something I’m thinking very carefully about as I get into CDing.
    The book “The List” helps me with this, in that it teaches you how to screen for seriously interested (in you) men and that helps me feel secure. Still, I’m going to be very thoughtful about at what point in a relationship I will be willing to sleep with a man. I feel most comfortable with something RR wrote or said (unfortunately I don’t remember where) about a man claiming you with a ring, or with plans to buy a house together or something that signifies life long commitment to you; that if you’re going to open fully to him emotionally and vulnerable, this is what you do before sex… or maybe it was before total exclusivity. This may all sound a bit in flux, because, it is!

    xxooxo



  33.  #33Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Slv: oooooo! I didn’t tell you this yet but I’ve been knitting at your suggestion and I love it. It’s actually one of the few things that gets me feeling excited these days. Love ravelry! Thanks for turning me on to that. I’m looking for the perfect yarn to do the Ten Stitch Twist.

    Definitely therapy.

    Do you have any advice about this situation with my LI? I feel worried that he may be a little less driven that I desire. He’s laid back, fun, treats me well. But sometimes I feel worried he doesn’t had the level of drive I need to feel safe to surrender to him. I love him dearly. He’s a good man.



  34.  #34Nancy on January 7, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Deb, I also lovelovelove your Nana and the way you describe her, I agree with SS, it’s so simple! Thanks for posting that. I have a new vision of how to deliver feeling messages.

    xoxoxo



  35.  #35Nancy on January 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Daria, thanks for allowing RR to post this. It feels great to have this resolved. I feel really relieved. I was happy to see Brenda on the blog this morning. I admire your guts, your willingness to push the envelope and the grace with which you accepted what RR had to say and to learn and grow. You have a keen sense of the full repertoire of human emotion. I always love that in a woman.

    xxooxox



  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    @30 Nancy

    I haven’t figured this out either. I’ve been living as a single person and without a sex partner for a very, very, very long time. I’m in a whole new era as only have decided on this new direction months ago.

    One thing I know is the idea of marrying someone before sex scares me silly!!! No way that would work for me. I have no idea how this is going to work out. I’m thinking time will tell…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  37.  #37Nancy on January 7, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Lisi,

    “Me: You need to claim me as your woman and there won’t be other guys. It has always been you who was unwilling to commit. Not me

    Him: so keep running free”

    Is he telling you what I think he’s telling you with this type of statement? It’s breaking MY heart reading it. It sounds like he has you coming and going. He won’t give it and he’s going to make you feel like it’s your fault. I feel like calling him some very bad names. I feel angry at him.
    I have decided to take men at face value. ALL of the time. No more reading between the lines or wondering. What they say is what they get. Dammit.



  38.  #38Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    I feel unsure if my concern is “real” or if it’s a pattern of me finding fault with the “good guy”.

    I guess the Rori answer would be to not worry about what he is doing and focus on me.

    The specific. Situation I feel frustrated about is that he wants to get a place for both of us. I have my place now where I feel comfortable. He is currently living with me but wants to get a nicer place we can both move into. I told him that I’m open to it but I don’t want to be responsible for making it happen. So today, he asked me to call about this one house that we both like.

    I feel resentful. I feel overwhelmed with my own responsibilities. I feel angry because this is his mission, his vision and I told him I don’t want to take on the responsibility of finding a place.

    I guess I just need to stick to my boundaries. When he asks if I called, I might say.

    No. I don’t want to deal with the details of finding a new place. If you want to get another place, I feel open to it but I don’t want to be responsible for making it happen. I feel full and busy with other things going on in my life. I appreciate that you want to get us another place but it’s not a big priority for me right now. I feel stressed about the idea of moving right now.



  39.  #39Symantha on January 7, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Jilly,

    the texting things have been feeling confusing to me since we meet as he only text but want’s to see me very often (every other day) and when we meet Im the only one in the room for him, he’s sweet and can’t take his hands off me, but I’ve express how much effort feels to me the texting thing and he has mention he’s not good at speaking on the phone.

    During Christmas we spent in our countries so we kept in touch texting and he called once but I miss it (im not used to tal over the phone with him but don’t feels good that he doesn’t call ugggrrr confusing) .

    I’ve just texted him: feels nice to hear from you… poor thing hope you feel better, seeing you would feel yummi xoxo

    LOL the yummi part makes me laugh but is true

    let’s see how it goes when I see him after a month, is nice sharing here in the blog! thanks Jilly



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    @LG

    I think you mentioned you were knitting. What is the ten stitch twist? Should I check Ravelry for it?

    Is there a LI problem? I didn’t see in thread. I can only give IMHO as I’m not a senior diva only a diva senior…:lol: I’ll go look for your earlier post, I’m assuming in this thread.

    Or do you mean LI problem in post @31 is “lack of drive.” What kind of drive? sex? career? golf?

    I don’t know problem but if I was feeling all yummy with a man and he was stepping up I wouldn’t worry about too much else, the three above can be worked around…do you think?

    SLV



  41.  #41Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    LG, that feeling message about finding a place sounds to me just like what Rori would advise saying to him. I feel hopeful that you will be able to work through this with your Good Guy. 🙂



  42.  #42Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Brenda and Daria…

    Infinite love and gratitude!

    Rori- Thanks for bringing that full circle.



  43.  #43Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    I feel pissed! I feel resentful. Why is he asking me to do this? He is the hunter. He is the man. The image I have in my head is that he is asking me to go kill the deer for him. You go kill the deer! I’m doing my job of gathering. Don’t lean on me. Step up and be a man.

    Ugh! Maybe I am overreacting.

    I know I am.

    I’m venting.

    I just sometimes feel frustrated. I want him To go hunt the deer and leave me out of it.

    I feel pulled on. I feel frustrated. I feel turned off.

    I feel pissed at myself for overreacting.

    I know I am blowing this out of proportion.
    Why?

    I have been overfunctioning with him. Luckily I am doing enough other stuff right that I haven’t pushed him away.

    I seem to remember Rori saying that when we overfunction we start to resent the man.

    That’s how I feel right now is resentful.

    Anybody have any links where Rori discusses this?



  44.  #44Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Amy-

    I caught your post. Yesss. I feel like that all the time, sometimes. :O)



  45.  #45Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    LG-

    I beleive u just answered your own question.. lol

    Why is he doing this.. (?)

    Then I read your line.. *I have been over functioning lately.

    This is a lil reminder for me too. Stay leaned back.
    Go – all girl.. back to the wall.



  46.  #46Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Sometimes I even send myself email with like 5 emails and say in the subject. Alicia – Stay leaned back.. don’t overfunction.

    It’s his job. You are the target. And it works.. Put post its around you if u have to.. even text yourself. Eventually it helps. And you do stop. I finally did.. and I feel way way better.



  47.  #47Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I havent read these in awhile.. Rori terms.. aside from the common lean back and overfunction which are in my head like the ABC’s.. I kinda am glad to see these refreshers too. 😉

    Outgirling:
    If your man demonstrates primarily Feminine energy in his life and your relationship, it will automatically compel you to step up into your Masculine Energy – in order to balance the Energy Exchange and to get things done. Outgirling is reversing that. It’s going “full-out Girl” inside the relationship. This can look like doing nothing, and may result in nothing happening at all in your relationship except sitting around like two girls. It’s the only way to right a seriously unbalanced Energy Exchange.

    Back To The Wall:
    Moving and Leaning Back as far as you can. Outgirling to the max. Whatever happens, you Leanback, Move Back, and stay in Girl energy
    Literally, in a room at a party, for instance, you would end up standing with your back to the wall and men around you, leaning toward you.



  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    @LG

    Oh, I see the post. I think your answer is good. You said:

    “I have my place now where I feel comfortable.
    I feel stressed about the idea of moving right now.
    I feel open to it but I don’t want to be responsible for making it happen.”

    What you said sums it up.

    I’m guessing here, maybe he wants you to be as excited as he is and he is trying to raise that excitement by asking you to participate.

    Also if you call you could set the appointments to your own convenience. I think it’s not so bad.

    Maybe you could have a standing place on your calendar for house shopping, Saturday mornings is usually good, unless there is a schedued open house; that way LI could just set up on his own.

    Let me know about the 10 stitch twist.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  49.  #49Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Slv: I hadn’t mentioned the issue with LI until #31. It just popped into my head while I was typing about knitting so I brought it up….stream of consciousness style. 🙂 I wrote a little bit more about the situation in following posts.

    Deep down, I believe it can be worked out…like you said.

    My main problem is I notice myself being a man manager and overfunctioning. He seems to move at a different pace than me and sometimes I feel anxious and frustrated by that. I want to surrender and trust him to lead but I feel unable to let go and trust him to manage the details of our life. He is 5 yr younger than me and more laid back. Sometimes I feel crazed observing his laid backness. I can be kind of intense and driven.

    In reality tho, his finances are in better order than mine. He has better credit, more money saved. So maybe his laid backness works? He also goes to the gym more than me, keeps up on things. In a lot of ways he is way more together than me. But his laid back demeanor IRKS me sometimes!

    Maybe I just need to relax and let go.

    Any feedback is appreciated.



  50.  #50Nancy on January 7, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    LG,

    You gave him a clear feeling message and he either didn’t hear it or is ignoring it. I support you holding your boundary and just giving the message again, as you posted it. Or, he may be bidding, ie asking you to participate in the new house hunt and procurement for his own reasons. Maybe you could tell him you’re full up and would love to relax and it would make you feel so good and cared for if he does the driving on this thing?



  51.  #51Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    LG, I feel excited about what I see in your last post!

    If his behavior made you realize you have been overfunctioning, then he probably only asked you to “kill the deer” bc in a sense You Asked Him to Ask You to kill the deer by overfunctioning!

    Does that make sense or just sound crazy?



  52.  #52Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    Slv: The Ten Stitch Twist is a pattern on Ravelry. I’m in love with it. I tried it with a solid yarn and it didn’t accentuate the spiral shape enough. Then I tried one with a short lenth colorway which really didn’t work either. I need to find a self striping yarn.

    I’m a beginner and teaching myself. I love it. I love the colors and textures. I have to limit how much I knit because I become a bit obsessed with it. 🙂



  53.  #53Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    I have to say, though, reading #47 reminds me of my ex — very laid back and passive. It drove me crazy too. Especially after we had children!



  54.  #54Sweetpea on January 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    LG – re: where Rori talks about overfunctioning leading to resentment…

    I’m not sure where she says that specifically other than in some e-letters and in her book, but I glanced at the 5 posts she has listed under “overfunctioning” and there’s some good stuff there. Maybe that will help?

    Sounds to me like you’re aware of what’s going on though, and that’s the first step, right?

    Speaking of knitting, I taught myself to, or am in the process of teaching myself to knit. It IS so much fun. I put it down because I tend to get OCD about stuff like that too, but I’m dying to pick it back up again.



  55.  #55Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Lucy: That’s interesting! I was just remembering something my dad told me recently when I asked his advice on this. He said that some guys don’t really have any drive until they have children.

    LI is 33 and has spent a good part of his life having adventures. After college he spent some years skiing, and surfing, and travelling the world. He worked a few years at a professional job and did very well.

    Now after having lots of adventures, he’s ready to settle down and have a family. He’s very loyal, committed, family man type. A little more of a Mr Mom type than a go getter.

    I’ve always been attracted to the workaholics who never have time for me. He prioritizes me over work. I mean, he works but he would rather be with me.

    I feel confused. I don’t know if this is an ugly pattern rearing it’s head or a valid concern.

    I guess all I can do is lean back, outgirl him, and direct my boy energy into taking care of myself rather than managing him. Give him the space to step up.



  56.  #56Sweetpea on January 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    SLV,

    I wanted to thank you for your comments regarding what I said on the previous post. I bowed out to work on my own stuff, but still read them and appreciated what you had to say, as I do so much of what you have to say. You are a great voice of reason on here many times and I’m glad you’ve graced this blog with your presence.



  57.  #57Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Oh wow! You all have given me great advice! Going to marinate in it for a bit. Thank you!



  58.  #58Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    @LG
    “My main problem is I notice myself being a man manager and overfunctioning.”

    Did you ever consider that he has it so together, everything running smoothly and all, that he “seems” laidback because he doesn’t waste time on busywork…?

    SLV



  59.  #59Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    @LG

    53: Laughing Goddess says:

    “…I’ve always been attracted to the workaholics who never have time for me. He prioritizes me over work. I mean, he works but he would rather be with me…”

    “…I’ve always been attracted to the workaholics who never have time for me. He prioritizes me over work. I mean, he works but he would rather be with me…”

    “…I’ve always been attracted to the workaholics who never have time for me. He prioritizes me over work. I mean, he works but he would rather be with me…”

    “…I’ve always been attracted to the workaholics who never have time for me. He prioritizes me over work. I mean, he works but he would rather be with me…”

    Just in case you missed it… 😀

    So, he’s done all the things with his life that you mentioned and now he wants to provide you with a bigger house and has the wherewithal to do it…

    Hmmm, sounds OK to me… but you’re attracted to the guys that pay less attention to you and do less for you… hmmm. 😀

    Maybe you are getting “cold feet.” I think a lot of women would grab him.

    SLV



  60.  #60Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    @54: Sweetpea

    Thank you for your kind words. You are welcome to any little help I could give with my two cents.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    @LG

    I just saw this:

    “…Such is the toxic pull that charismatic alpha males have on you that you actually will try to find problems with the men who treat you the best…”
    ~ Evan Marc Katz

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  62.  #62Laughing Goddess on January 7, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    SLV: Yes to everything you said. The last quote by Evan really resonates. Thank you!



  63.  #63Alicia on January 7, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    This is incredible!

    Power of words in your bodies reaction –

    water molecules and power of words under the microscope.. Look how it effect in your body, It so IMPACTFUL!! Love that I watched it! This is the best version.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1-0ulKgmio

    Rori- what if we feel really angry? We still just express it in a I feel way.., right?



  64.  #64Jim on January 7, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    Ladies,

    Busy night on the blog I see.

    SS, Hope you had a nice date w/the fireman…?

    SVL, You are wise.

    47: LG, “I can be kind of intense and driven.” This is just my opinion but, I think this is an incredibly good quality, very nice. BUT here is the wisdom for that, “That which makes us succeed, generally is what makes us fail.” All you need is to learn is where and when to focus this passion & on what. It really is a good thing. This is a hands on world… for sure.

    A QUESTION FOR ALL LADY’S,
    Lots of talk about over functioning, leaning back, receiving, you are the target, Is this some strategy to keep from being co dependent or what? To keep from being a man manager. Remember, we have our own brains that do function properly.

    SLV, Did you ignore my #15? Or did that just get past you?

    Brenda, Hi, wherever you are!

    Lisi,
    “I’d say it’s good that he’s mad AND it’s good that he’s asking whether I’m dating other guys. It gets under his skin, which is what he needs to overcome his fears.” Umm… No doubt your on to something, if he love’s…?

    Jim



  65.  #65Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 12:32 am

    Jim,

    Re: Lots of talk about over functioning, leaning back, receiving, you are the target, Is this some strategy to keep from being co dependent or what? To keep from being a man manager. Remember, we have our own brains that do function properly.

    It could be to keep from being co-dependent. Mostly it’s because lots of us on here tend to get too wrapped up ina man and push him completely out of our lives by putting too much pressure on him by calling, texting, cooking, too much of everything. It’s to take our focus off of doing things to win over the man and letting him woo us. To practice receiving from the man instead of giving everything of ourselves and being in “masculine” giving energy and then resenting him because he sits back and let’s us do the work, or him resenting us because we don’t le him do anything himself. Make sense?

    What are your thoughts?



  66.  #66Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 12:33 am

    Jim,

    Out of curiosity, what does this mean: Remember, we have our own brains that do function properly.



  67.  #67Rori Raye on January 8, 2011 at 12:36 am

    Andrea – don’t want to upset you – but I don’t like this. I am not the suspicious type – but I wonder if there’s another woman somewhere. Maybe not physically, but emotionally perhaps. The only way out of this is for you to stop being resentful by working through it a bit – and working at staying open when he DOES show up. Then ask him straight out…Is there someone else? Can we fix this? What can we do to reconnect? And let him tell you and do what he says…and SEE what he says…Love, Rori



  68.  #68MiaVitta on January 8, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Um, hi there! This is my first time commenting on a blog.

    I am in complete admiration of the stuf that goes on in these crazy parts of town 😉

    I have two things. One, I am having a very hard time with feeling my. feelings. I have Rori’s Targeting Mr. Right, Modern Siren, and Commitment Blue Print. And frankly I feel overwhelmed by the wealth of info on these magnificent programs, and I’ve gone over each once, but not sure if I should delve into one first, second and third.

    I tend to intelectualize and overthink everything. I am always in my head. Overanalyzing. Rori, is there a structured order that you would advise on to get the most out of your programs..?

    Ok, and second, I am slowly and surely getting out there and dating (super scared about CD, but I believe that when you get unattached of your greatest fear, like CD, you become liberated..) in rotation, but for tonight, I went on a short coffee date with a man who we’ll call Mike (that’s his name! Haha ;)) and he has this Mathew Mcconaghey-looking face, gorgeous smile, and eyes, and with chemistry, and he believes in marriage and family *wink!* and seemed pretty fabulous, except for ONE thing…*que the car crash sound effects* He’s my height!! (With heels!!) And I’m 5’1!!!! How do I deal with this?? I almost feel like a bad person for not feeling attracted, but that’s the thing, I don’t feel attracted to men that are short…I just don’t…is there something that I’m self-sabotaging about myself with this ‘issue’..? Help!

    MiaVitta



  69.  #69snowqueen on January 8, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Lisi- as you asked for advice …

    One of the most useful things I’ve learned from Rori is to speak/act without it being a ‘strategy’. The other side of that is when she says that we have to be willing to take ‘no’ for an answer.

    What you said was absolutely fine but it seems that you are upset because it didn’t have the ‘desired effect’ which was to make your ex do what you wanted.

    The most important thing is that you said what was important to you – if he were to commit to you, you would commit to him, but until then you will continue being open to meeting the One (which he cannot be at the moment because he’s not moving towards you).

    You have to let go of the expectation that your words/actions will produce a particular outcome. Simply be proud that you are looking after your best interests instead. Then you can relax and be curious – ‘ooh I wonder what’s going to happen now!’

    Enjoy yourself



  70.  #70Jim on January 8, 2011 at 1:36 am

    65 & 66: Sweetpea,
    WOW, that is very good, thanks.

    I will most certainly get back to you. I need to think how I’m going to say what need be said. So bare with me on my response.

    Thanks,
    Jim



  71.  #71Alicia on January 8, 2011 at 2:00 am

    My friend made me mad earlier with some negative comments and I feel like it took the wind out of my sails.

    Ughhhhhhhh I feel annoyed that I have to re-wire my suc consious mind.. Like it, takes forever. How on earth? Be postive, focus on what you want.. But, let go. Determined yet detach. It’s all a big paradox.

    I already told my wall to take a hike. But, it’s still there. I want to meet more guys I’m attracted to and I’m sooooooooooo ready to go back to work with a good salary.. and feel like myself again.

    I feel rested now. And I love what I’ve learned.. I’m just ready to be engaged with people everyday and have a salary on top of it. It’s in motion. I have to be on the brink.



  72.  #72SummerBaby on January 8, 2011 at 4:04 am

    New to this blog please be gentle with me.

    Am dating 2 men at present. Working three jobs. Trying to find time for hobbies and things I love. These concepts of leaning back make so much sense.

    I like both men a great deal. Became intimate with one and realize I shouldn’t have because I’m having difficulty with the emotional side. Besides that, we have fundamental differences that he wants me to overlook, but I feel like at least similar philosophies of life are important for long term happiness.

    I have been open and honest with him about feelings and think I’ve let him very close. Am I shallow to want a man that’s financially sound while I am not there myself, but working toward it? He didn’t want sex without a commitment (talk about role reversal) but I couldn’t make that promise. Now however I’m entrenched… he’s happy with crumbs but I feel guilty. I need to stop the intimacy.

    The other guy is more similar with philosophies. He is financially stable, but lives an hour away. He’s initiated mostly all of the contact from the get go.
    I’ve been practicing feeling messages. I got a long call from him last night. He still has teen kids living with him and much of his time is wrapped up in taxi. Mine are older and not an issue.

    Is it acceptable for me to ask him what he’s looking for in terms of expectations? I mean it’s moving towards him wanting intimacy, so how do I find out if he’s just looking to date or wanting something long term? or do I only talk about what I’m feeling and what I want?

    thanks for any feedback…
    and pretty cool to read a man’s viewpoint on here.



  73.  #73Rosa on January 8, 2011 at 6:59 am

    Ok, so I was going to take a break from here but I am seriously concerned.

    I feel concerned for Brenda.
    DID BRENDA GIVE HER PERMISSION FOR THE ABOVE POST?

    I feel angry that we read a whole email conversation between Daria and Rori ABOUT Brenda , but I cannot find any reference to anyone ASKING BRENDA if posting this is ok . I missed it if indeed permission was sought and given for Brenda to become the third person subject of this thread.

    I am angry to see discussions of ” victim” , “junkie” etc around Brenda as a thread here and not see any input FROM Brenda on the post.

    I only hope this was because she declined to add her opinion. I feel angry and defensive that a woman can be discussed on the thread like that in her absence and her comments not be sought by the convener of the blog (and i do hope i am wrong here ) .

    Were I a new RR blogger I would wonder what this site offers when someones character can be openly discussed in this way as a searchable permanent post ? I feel slightly sick about that. This someone is a special , talented woman writer who is spirited and spiritual and whose reflective and VERY HONEST posts i read with pleasure.

    Thank you Brenda. I vote for you . I hope you were given the opportunity to respond in the above Rori post.

    Having got that off my chest , i also apologise to Brenda for jumping on the advice bandwagon to “help” you in previous thread.

    Here is where I get triggered , I work giving advice, I AM a therapist and I cant stand back from seeing someone in distress and not leap into solution mode when they ask for help….

    This blog is neither the time nor place for me to wear a professional hat . I would like to learn to NOT REACT , thats right , i need to let go of the need to heal.

    So thats me about done.



  74.  #74Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 7:02 am

    @64: Jim says:
    “…SVL, You are wise…
    SLV, Did you ignore my #15? Or did that just get past you? ”

    Jim, thanks for the compliment. I try to be wise. I don’t always succeed… “oops:

    @16: Jim says:
    “…I just might hmm… myself a song or two…!!
    For the non existent men in this blog, I’ll translate the way a man sees this. Ok, the way this man sees wasss up…”

    No, I wasn’t ignoring you. After reading your post I wasn’t sure of your point of view and Rori had things covered pretty well I think.

    I see you are here offering advice and I like to read varying ideas. Tell us more about yourself.

    Jim, a funny aside… I wondered for a moment, in light of your professed preferences, if this man was you. I was too shy to ask. 😆

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcKg_EL-geU

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  75.  #75Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 7:37 am

    @71: Rosa says:
    “I feel concerned for Brenda.
    DID BRENDA GIVE HER PERMISSION FOR THE ABOVE POST?
    I feel angry that we read a whole email conversation between Daria and Rori ABOUT Brenda , but I cannot find any reference to anyone ASKING BRENDA if posting this is ok . I missed it if indeed permission was sought and given for Brenda to become the third person subject of this thread. ”

    Oh, my! I never considered that. I assumed that Rori had contacted Brenda and was discussing her with her knowledge and permission. I assumed this was so based on my conclusions from my very first visits to the blog that Brenda is a dedicated follower of Rori’s teaching.

    I feel kind of funny in my stomach now after reading your post. I am wondering now if that Rori post was a surprise to Brenda. I didn’t think it was, although I was a little curious why there was no input from Brenda; I thought she had declined.

    I suppose my mind filled in the missing pieces. I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! Therefore, I’m now feeling very bad also about my own thought processing there.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  76.  #76Rosa on January 8, 2011 at 8:05 am

    SLV ?
    What did this mean…

    ” I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! ” ????



  77.  #77Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

    @74: Rosa says:
    “SLV ?
    What did this mean…”

    ” I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! ” ????

    from my post
    73: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    …I suppose my mind filled in the missing pieces.,/b> I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! Therefore, I’m now feeling very bad also about my own thought processing there…, ”

    I am very much inclined not to have my mind fill in missing pieces when it makes a difference, in this case that Brenda was aware of the planned post, gave her permission and declined to give her own (Brenda’s) input.

    Perhaps there was some sort of involuntary Gestalt-like mechanism at work.

    I try to be mindful not to do that. There is so much name-calling and mind reading on the blog at times I can hardly stand it. I stop, blink my eyes and read again sometimes. I aim to be careful but I am not entirely immune to doing it too. I am aware of it so perhaps that’s a good step.

    Did you take my words to mean a negative comment? I filled that in too… 😳

    SLV



  78.  #78Ragnell on January 8, 2011 at 8:58 am

    I am very happy to see that Daria has finally been made aware of her shortcomings. I have felt triggered and manipulated before when reading her. I feel very supportive of Brenda, too, because I have been in her place, regarding Daria. I hope that this message is not filtered out and lost.



  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

    I guess I’d better do this one over. I suppose triggered by all those question marks.
    ——————–

    @74: Rosa says:
    “SLV ?
    What did this mean…”

    ” I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! ” ????

    from my post
    73: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    …I suppose my mind filled in the missing pieces. I am very much inclined *not* to do this kind of thinking. I live not to think this way! Therefore, I’m now feeling very bad also about my own thought processing there…, ”

    I am very much inclined not to have my mind fill in missing pieces when it makes a difference, in this case that Brenda was aware of the planned post, gave her permission and declined to give her own (Brenda’s) input.

    Perhaps there was some sort of involuntary Gestalt-like mechanism at work.

    I try to be mindful not to do that. There is so much name-calling and mind reading on the blog at times I can hardly stand it. I stop, blink my eyes and read again sometimes. I aim to be careful but I am not entirely immune to doing it too. I am aware of it so perhaps that’s a good step.

    Did you take my words to mean a negative comment? I filled that in too… 😳

    SLV



  80.  #80Ragnell on January 8, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Also, I’d like to remind you what Rori said last time there was a coflict like this. She said this was not about rules, but about practicing. Also this:

    We’re all in this together. There is no conflict. If you’ve come for conflict, then we’re indebted to you for triggering us and helping us see what happens when we stand up for ourselves – and if we can stay soft even in that place…we are all facets of the same crystal. We are interwoven and shining amongst ourselves and shining deep into each other’s dark places. We have purpose. We have desire. We are matching up together in ways we can’t know. Let’s find THOSE CONNECTIONS – so we can take what we learn from THAT, with each other…in our relationships with men “out there.”



  81.  #81Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Rosa, just my two cents here. I don’t think you need to apologize for giving Brenda advice. I thought the advice given to Brenda was supportive and compassionate. I of course can’t speak for her, but alot of what was said to her I found helpful. And Daria did as well, as evidenced by the post and her mention of the stop sign (that was posted by you, was it not?).

    I would like to thank you for your advice and the help it gave to me. Eww. Finding that feels selfish, but since I can’t speak for Brenda, I guess this has to be about me…



  82.  #82Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

    @77: Sweetpea says:
    “..Rosa… …evidenced by the post and her mention of the stop sign (that was posted by you, was it not?).
    I would like to thank you for your advice and the help it gave to me. …”

    I have received some good advice and techniques from Rosa. After reading some of her posts I was inspired to look for and reserve at local public library:
    Bandler, Richard.
    “Get the life you want”
    Imprint Deerfield Beach, Fla. : Health Communications, c2008.

    I believe I’ve resolved most of the difficulty for which I was seeking help that time but I’m always in the market for new tools that I can tweak and make just right for me.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  83.  #83Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I just read Evan Katz’s book cover to cover. It’s awesome. I feel less confused. Thanks, SLV for posting the quote from it (#).
    I really saw that my last man loves me and I saw why he didn’t propose. He was afraid I was too much trouble to be with. Not that he is the end all-be all for me. We were a good match, but he has his own issues as well. The wonderful thing I that I see my mistakes – overfunctioning and leaning towards him (hurtling myself at him is more like it), dissecting his decisions and modifying them, giving advice, pushing the relationship forward, etc. – even more clearly than I did last night before reading it. This is fantastic news! I no longer blame him. I take full responsibility for my part in where we have ended up. And I see that in our last conversation with each other, he told me point blank what bothered him and I told him clearly what bothered me. I also told him I was taking him at face value, that we are a no-go for marriage and that I choose to start dating again, because I really do want to be married. He said Okay. So there you have it. For anyone curious, this was 2.5 months ago.

    So, life then sends me my next lesson: what does it look like when a man really is interested and treats you well? The only regular man in my CD rotation to date is kind and wants me to be happy. He says so. He calls in advance for dates, he picks me up and brings me home, he doesn’t push sex, he takes me out for wonderful evenings and makes sure all our dates are fun and easy for me. He dangles big carrots: he talks about marrying Me, as opposed to saying he wants to be married again someday. He says we’d retire in Hawaii. He says he’ll adopt a child with me (something I really want to do), he says we’ll buy a house together in a nearby town I have always wanted to live in. All these are dreams that I have had for myself. It’s like I ordered him out of a catalog! I feel amazed. I also feel almost no chemistry. I have returned his kisses, but have no desire to have his tongue in my mouth and I pull away. We’ve been on 7 dates or so. He’s asked me to be exclusive and I have declined. He now says he wants to keep dating but “I’m not as gung-ho.” I understand this and it really meets my needs better than having him pursue me so heavily. I am working hard to stand still and let him treat me well. I need the experience, the knowledge of what that really looks like! I feel so grateful for his presence in my life, but have no strong attraction. I’ll be grateful if he grows on me. I love the package he offers, but I am not at all sure now that we’re a match. I don’t even want to kiss him yet. He’s a total gentleman about it. I have him into my home when he arrives and when he brings me home and there is absolutely no pressure from him. He doesn’t make me laugh. He’s a little bit negative and a little bit boring. He’s a wonderful man. LOL What the HELL am I gonna do? For now, I’m just going to stand here and tolerate him coming towards me and treating me so well – that’s what!

    xooxxo



  84.  #84Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Corrections to #79
    Evan Katz’s book “Why He Disappeared”
    SLV’s post #61
    SLV’s quote wasn’t from this book. Where did you find it, SLV?



  85.  #85Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Back from my lunch date. I feel disappointed.

    It was hard for me to follow through with going on this date, but I had gotten myself to a place where I was willing and open. I didn’t want to put effort into my hair, clothes, makeup, etc., but I allowed (thanks, Daria) myself to anyway, knowing that it was important to not self-sabotage… and willing to “be surprised” by this man.

    I had been afraid I was going to like him and he wouldn’t like me, if any of you remember me saying that.

    But I ended up not really liking him, even though we had an okay time (and the food and drink were good. :))

    The group next to us in the pub were fun and interesting though. 🙂

    And there were some things I liked about this guy… outgoing and friendly, taking charge of ordering, paying, etc. –

    but overall there was no real connection.

    He walked me to my car and hugged me (didn’t try to kiss me, which is unusual but I was VERY glad!) and said thanks and that he had a nice time. Didn’t ask me out again, which is also unusual, but I am also glad about bc it’s very uncomfortable when they ask me out again right away and I really don’t want to say yes.

    So I’m guessing he felt the lack of connection too. He was a gentleman, though — continuing to be friendly and kind anyway. Just like me, I suppose. Lol. We were both so classy. haha.

    But I feel a bit let down. I had allowed myself to be completely open to possibility with him. I feel disappointed and sad and tired and weary.

    I also am finding myself weirdly thinking about D lately, and missing him a little. I feel surprised by that. When I think about the possibility of seeing him again, I feel both warm and icky. Talking with him, eating together, watching a movie would feel good and happy and comfortable. But kissing or any other physical affection besides a basic hug would feel icky. I guess I would like him as a caring, interested friend, but no more than that.

    I’m starting to get a headache now.

    I feel sad. I want to be with a man I feel really good with. 🙁



  86.  #86Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Lol. Nancy, I just read your post and your feelings about your guy sound a lot like my feelings about D! I tried to let the chemistry/attraction grow with him, but it actually got progressively worse instead of better. 🙁 But other than that, he would be a great catch!



  87.  #87Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Daria, I appreciate so much what you wrote me the other day about forcing vs. allowing. I definitely felt a shift inside myself over the past couple days leading up to this date — from forcing to allowing.

    Forcing feels closed, and kicking and screaming inside, and very negative.

    Allowing feels open, noticing bits of resistance and then relaxing them, and generally positive.

    Thanks. 🙂



  88.  #88Laughing Goddess on January 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Lucy: I feel so excited for you. I know a man you feel good with is so close. I can’t wait! I’m feeling so much anticipation! It’s going to be very good!



  89.  #89Emmie on January 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Hi Rori,

    What is the ever elusive chemistry that a couple needs to feel to have the happy after relationship? I feel a bit confused. And, is there something I’m not getting here. I have had two experiences this week on this very thing. One which was a potential new CD and the other an LI. Is there any potential with my LI?

    (I also see Lucy talking about chemistry today on the blog.)

    It’s been a week of endings for me. I guess that could also be looked at as beginnings since new beginnings come from endings.

    My LI told me this morning that he does not see a happy ever after with me. He said that he was sure that I am disappointed and that he is as well. When I asked him what he meant by being disappointed he told me that he is disappointed that he is not in love with me. Then he went on to say that while he cares very deeply for me and wants to stay in my life…he wants to see me find my happy ever after and will do anything to help me transition! He said it will be very painful to see me moving on but he just doesn’t see it happening for us.

    My newest CD told me so many very nice things about me but that he was unsure of the “ever elusive chemistry.” That Newest CD generally feels a strong spark and didn’t feel it with me. But, he couldn’t quit giving me compliments from my looks to my intelligence, humor and how much fun it is to be with me. He wanted to at this point develop a friendship only. I let him know two times that I am interested in dating and going out with men. And that if he didn’t see that I completely understood. I wished him all the best and told him I was looking to date men and didn’t want to start up a new friendship right now.

    What is this elusive chemistry? I want it all – great sex, great conversation, fun doing things together. Can I woo back my LI?

    Thanks!

    Emmie



  90.  #90Laughing Goddess on January 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Soooo, I’m going to really start observing, and changing my overfunctioning, man managing ways.

    Right now I’m just going to focus on observing my behaviour and learning from it.

    My style of overfunctioning with LI…

    I am always thinking of what we need to check and suggesting things for him to do.

    I don’t overfunction in the sense of chasing him or doing things for him but more in the sense of directing our lives. I feel very challenged to lean back and wait for him to take care of things.

    But I can do it. And when I do, he totally steps up. This morning he made sure I had firewood to get through the day without me asking. That felt really great. Last night he called and apologized for not stocking me up before he left. I didn’t say anything, he just realized that he didn’t. That felt good.

    When he got home, I told him that I didn’t call about the house. He said, no worries, he already did it.

    I feel clear that this isn’t about him, it’s about me.

    I can do this. I can trust and surrender and use my boy energy to take care of me.

    Yay! Thanks again for everyone’s help.



  91.  #91Laughing Goddess on January 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    I mean use my boy energy to guide my personal affairs but not to direct him.



  92.  #92Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Thanks, LG. It felt good to read that, then the feeling changed to suspicion and curiosity… wondering why and how you would know that/say that… wondering if you really believe it or are just trying to make me feel better…

    I feel bad writing this to you. 🙁



  93.  #93Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Lucy, when I feel that way, I remind myself that it has found me before, it will find me again. All I have to do is want it and keep going. It will find you. Just keep going.

    xoxox



  94.  #94Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    The coolest thing about the way this man treats me is that he drives, even if we’re going right back to his town for our date and then brings me home again. There isn’t a hint of convenience in it for him. That feels amazing. I feel highly valued and like, as Andy MacDowell says, “I’m worth it.”



  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    @80: Nancy says:
    “Corrections to #79
    Evan Katz’s book “Why He Disappeared”
    SLV’s post #61
    SLV’s quote wasn’t from this book. Where did you find it, SLV?..”

    Hi Nancy, I’m sorry I didn’t leave a better citation. The quote is from an EMK blog post this week. You can find the entire article here:

    You’re Attracted To The Wrong Men
    Evan Marc Katz
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/you%e2%80%99re-attracted-to-the-wrong-men/

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  96.  #96Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Thank you, SLV!



  97.  #97Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    @79: Nancy says:

    “…He doesn’t make me laugh. He’s a little bit negative and a little bit boring. He’s a wonderful man. LOL What the HELL am I gonna do? For now, I’m just going to stand here and tolerate him coming towards me and treating me so well – that’s what!…”

    Thank you for this, Nancy. As soon as I read this post, a loud clanging alarm went off in my head:

    I could never have a “happily ever after” with a man that did not laugh, could not make me laugh, with whom I could not share little private things that make us both laugh, who could not find bittersweet humor when things go wrong…

    This might sound strange but even though I’ve always included sense of humor and wit on any “desirable traits” lists. I know right now, this minute, this is a deal breaker!

    Wow! I have to sit down and relax now. The revelation of the importance of this, I have to absorb this.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  98.  #98Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Hmm, I got some interesting insights from Evan’s article. Thanks, SLV.

    Mainly, I realized that I am and always have been attracted to “nice guys” (as defined by Evan). That feels kinda good to find out bc that means I can trust my feelings of attraction and non-attraction.



  99.  #99Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    But I feel a little worried that maybe according to Evan’s definitions, Nice Guy = Feminine energy, and Alpha Male (non-Nice Guy) = Masculine energy.

    “You have to be willing to be #2 with an alpha. And if you’re not wired that way – if you’re looking for true equality – you’re a lot better off finding and appreciating a man who wants equality as well. That would be the nice guy who doesn’t excite you as much.”

    Rori said that we are not Supposed to be looking for equality with our man — a masculine man — which sounds like Evan’s Alpha Male.

    I feel confused.



  100.  #100Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    94: Lucy says:

    So what does this mean? I’m “supposed” to be looking for a non-nice guy (alpha) so I can be number #2

    Nuh-uh, for me.

    And I think nice guys are attractive and exciting.

    Does being nice mean men aren’t “masculine?”

    Maybe, it does; I’ve already given up being “feminine.”

    What’s next?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  101.  #101Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    94: Lucy says:
    “Rori said that we are not Supposed to be looking for equality with our man — a masculine man — which sounds like Evan’s Alpha Male. I feel confused….”

    Something got lost in the copy and paste… 😳

    So what does this mean? I’m “supposed” to be looking for a non-nice guy (alpha) so I can be number #2?

    Nuh-uh, for me.

    And I think nice guys are attractive and exciting.

    Does being nice mean men aren’t “masculine?”

    Maybe, it does; I’ve already given up being “feminine.”

    What’s next?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  102.  #102Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Lol, SLV. Those are exactly the things I am confused about!

    Like you, I find nice guys attractive and exciting.

    I am having trouble reconciling some of Evan’s words with what Rori teaches. Maybe they are just using the same phrases and words to mean different things.



  103.  #103Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Many of the women on here say they like Alpha Males…. but I wonder if they mean something different from what Evan means by that.

    Maybe there are Nice Guy Alpha Males and

    Bad Boy Alpha Males…..?



  104.  #104Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Bah. I don’t want to feel confused.



  105.  #105Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    This one’s pretty good by Evan. I disagree with his thoughts on aging … but agree with the overall conclusion that, yeah, physical attraction is quite important.

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-am-not-physically-attracted-to-my-boyfriend-can-we-possibly-have-a-future-together/



  106.  #106Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    @Lucy

    Maybe I’ll set the stereotypes aside and just look for man that I like that likes me too, treats me well and is excited to have me around. And… never lets me forget that and has sense of humor and wit like me 😀

    Is that asking too much? … Well, there is more but that is the basic part.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  107.  #107Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    @Lucy

    Thanks for EMK post link. I’m going over there now to read it.

    SLV



  108.  #108Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Right!

    I guess the point of the stereotypes is to try to help people identify unhealthy patterns (being attracted to the wrong “type”) — but for people who are Not attracted to the wrong type, it’s just confusing!!!!



  109.  #109snowqueen on January 8, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    @Lucy 84

    I thought that Rori said there needs to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy. I don’t recall that she suggested we should all be trying to find alpha males. By leaning back and using our feminine energy we bring out the masculine in him – at least that’s how I’d understood it.



  110.  #110Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    104: snowqueen says:

    “…By leaning back and using our feminine energy we bring out the masculine in him – at least that’s how I’d understood it…”

    Since I’m not feminine, I don’t know what I’ll be bringing out in guys. But now that I think about it, it could be fun. Who knows what will come out?

    Kind of like “Let’s Make a Deal.” What’s behind the curtain? What’s in the box? Maybe what’s in the closet wouldn’t work.

    I could get “zonked”, is that what they call it?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  111.  #111Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I feel so confused after reading that article. Tree trimmer guy feels alternately self-centered and career-driven and sweet, kind and all about me. Is it all centered around my energy with him? Hmmm. When I’m more feminine, is he more masculine? And do I like him when he’s more “alpha”? This is interesting.

    Good point Snowqueen. Maybe it’s all a balancing act. seems the more open I am, the more he treats me like a queen, but when I get into more demanding energy (which I sometimes confuse with setting boundaries – having a hard time finding how to do that in a femine, feeling statement, not nagging way) he goes all alpha on me.

    Huh. Food for thought.



  112.  #112Luzydel on January 8, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Sight!!! I feel frustrated, so I am venting!!!

    Sometimes I feel that things that the Relationship experts say are taken either too serious or seeing in a black and white screen.

    I do not believe in rules, I believe in suggestions and advise. Someone telling me I should CD until someone proposes is just silly, because I do not have marriage in my mind; I am open to it, but I am also ok if a guy never proposes. Am I “breaking” a rule?
    Besides I was married before and my ex was not committed, so a ring or a piece of paper does not mean commitment. What if I just want to CD and let it be? What if I met a wonderful guy and I stop Cding to spend some time only with him. I don’t care if he doesn’t propose or leave after three months I will go back to CD again.

    I take RR’s advise and apply to me individually; I am a woman and may act and feel like other women, but also I have a different life and set of circumstances that make me very different.

    Yes we are here most likely because we all fell into a common denominator. I call it EXPECTATIONS. and then I see people here doing things following some so called “rules”, but still driven by EXPECTATIONS.
    and this is not an attack to anyone in particular, I am just reading randomly and I read the same thing…

    We came here to learn something, to let go of control and expectations to be open to love, but by taking things literally, we end up going back to where we were before and we create a new set of issues and expectations and lies but with the fantasy that we are doing better.



  113.  #113Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    106: Sweetpea says:

    “…Huh. Food for thought.”

    Yep, I’m pondering it. I’ll see what happens IRL. I like EMK but he’s not M^ses on the mountain (can I say M^ses?) and actually when I read about “finishing menopause” I suppressed a giggle. Hahahaha. 😆

    I will be in menopause for the rest of my life. If it’s “finished” that means I’ll be dead. So… EMK doesn’t know everything. He knows what the world looks like from where he stands…

    So I peek over his shoulder to see what he sees, knowing he doesn’t see all of it. I use what he sees but I route my own journey.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  114.  #114Daria on January 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Luzydel – when u first found the program I was afraid to imagine that I might have a forever after with a man. It might really be something I want. Something I Can have – who me?

    I may be projecting but that’s what I see in your post, feat of having a forever after.

    It made a big impact on me when I allowed , just for a minisecond, that I might imagine a forever after – a wonderful feeling one – with a man … And actually have it.

    I will.



  115.  #115Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Snowqueen, I feel a bit misunderstood. Not sure how to explain the part I feel misunderstood about….



  116.  #116Daria on January 8, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Messages about me:

    Talking to a cd who asked about what my void was – and I found myself saying I want to be SEEN more…

    I want to bless people this way.

    So magically – I found myself out being seen in just that way last night on cd.

    Out on the street abd arttractung everyones looks.

    I felt alive and aware just like I thought and it filled me.

    And – my rhythm became fluid, I had so much joy.

    And I remembered – I’m a Dancer.

    That’s why I want to be seen.

    That’s my gift. I communicate with thus rhythm of my body – I bless with it.

    And the fear abd overwhelm that sometimes comes from thoughts as everyone loOls at me in a crowd – alleviated – because i remember I’m a dancer, dancing for them.

    I don’t judge my audience – just bless them.

    No wonder I love mirrors

    This is my ART.

    I feel alive when I have attention on me and I move.

    I saw that my shyness social anxiety in crowds can just melt away – that this – my big obstacle – will heal too.

    I dance. Let my body move and the judgements and feats from the beliefs made in the past heal.

    As I channel this divinity in my movements.
    My greatest weakness, shyness, will heal to my greatest strength.

    Wow.

    I am finding more about ME.



  117.  #117Luzydel on January 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Daria forever after may mean different things to different people. I say I am open for anything, and I am letting things be. But if I have to follow a set of rules to get something then this may not be for me. I like to get guidance when I feel lost, I like RR’s work, and it has helped me a great deal. However this is not a cult or a religion, these are tools that we use and apply to our live styles.

    I want a forever after, but it doesn’t need to have the ring or the house with the white fences, I never enjoyed cliches 😉

    My forever after is to be at peace with myself, whether I have a relationship or not



  118.  #118Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    (can I say M^ses?)

    SLV, you crack me UP!!! Literally Lol here. Lol. 😀



  119.  #119Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    SLV @ 108: lol! Thanks. You have me laughing and crying at the same time! Laughter is such great medicine. I feel better already.

    I haven’t read the post you’re referring to re: menopause being “finished,” but that’s a great point. Still trying to figure out the “alpha” vs. “nice guy.” I guess it’s possible to have both. Now I just have to try to understand, what it is I do (or more likely DON’T DO) that brings out that more sensitive, caring side.



  120.  #120Daria on January 8, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Slv – it feels weird to hear you not call yourself feminine… I know you use another word womanly – to me I am triggered… I think… There is resistance here … Stuckness.

    I remember when I resisted – and said I was half man –

    I wonder what triggers me – someone wanting particularly to separate from the crowd. I do this too. That must be why. Like when I use the color black to heal instead of “light”.

    I am also convinced you are very feminine in that I don’t see you chasing the man with a ring and the flowers.

    Hmmm … I don’t want to see Myself chasing him this way and getting masculine.., is that my trigger here?

    What is the message – I separate myself from. Crowds with am energy of escape – and I embrace me.



  121.  #121Lucy on January 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    “He knows what the world looks like from where he stands…”

    Yes, exactly, SLV. I kinda shook my head and chuckled at his statements about aging, menopause, etc. too.

    That’s why, like luzydel said, you have to not take relationship advice too seriously sometimes.



  122.  #122Daria on January 8, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Luzydel – I wonder if pressing here will help –

    Forever after relationship with a man – allowing for one second that it will happen.

    I never thought I would get married.. Too simple.

    And too scary that it wint happen so why try. Who will want me?

    This was all subconscious but…

    What is your foreverafter With a Man?



  123.  #123Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    @Luzydel

    IMHO and from what I’ve learned from Rori: “commitment” is not “marriage” for everyone although it might be for most.

    BTW, as far as I am concerned, “tools” exist for me, not me for the “tools.” That would be silly.

    There is a lot of leeway in what I do; I’ve always been rather independent. I live my life the best I can but not someone else’s life.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  124.  #124Daria on January 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    I love what you wrote snowqueen – Yes! We bring it out.
    Y guy was not especially alpha, but boy, was he last night.

    Once I experienced my femininity around a man – and how it feels like I’m on a honey moon in Bora Bora while walking the streets of San Francisco

    I felt blessed.

    Itts a magical place where – I’m maybe the only one smiling – completely fearless and joyful – looking in the eyes and face of every homeless person or businessman.

    I am dancing for all of them.



  125.  #125Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Luzydel,

    Rori has stressed time and time again that her tools are not rules. They are guidelines. Many on here have experimented to find what feels genuine, authentic and “Rockstar” for them. I’m with you, I dislike having them represented as rules.

    I don’t want to be a clone. I wanna be a Rockstar. And I believe that means being completely, genuinely, authentically me and accepting myself as such.

    there are those who post on here who don’t want marriage and Rori is very encouraging in that.



  126.  #126Daria on January 8, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Yay Lucy – for no forcing!

    Has really helped me doing small tasks, and checking withy intuition …



  127.  #127Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    @115: Daria says:
    “Slv – it feels weird to hear you not call yourself feminine… I know you use another word womanly – to me I am triggered… I think… There is resistance here … Stuckness…
    I remember when I resisted – and said I was half man – ..”

    Oh, Gee, Daria no not “triggered!” 😆

    I’m probably not going to fit into someone’s idea of “feminine” — a pre-fabricated box that someone else has decorated and colored. My feet might be hanging out of that box, kicking…

    Half man? Perhaps, me too. I took some online test …it revealed my brain was half man/half woman on the spectrum but surprise, surprise, the average woman tests the same way. Go figure.

    I’m not stuck. Really. I’m learning a lot and figuring to how to use it. I do take a while to do things though…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  128.  #128Daria on January 8, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Lucy – my cd last night motives from a mr dispassionate ( the I hope he doesn’t kiss me syndrome)

    To me feeling reapply good around him.

    It took some time.., maybe four or five months.

    I just let the boring ones stick around and practice my triggered lil butt off (boring to me means IM triggered by th somewhere I don’t see)

    I also ignore their calls and invitations a lot of the time, but sometimes , I have a lil extra opening and I grant them a chance, Babysteps.

    Basically yes I am affirming that while I still get swept away by instant heart connection – like I have with 19 man – who called for 10 hours yesterday!!! –

    I am finding that yes, I Can build heart connection with boring ones over time

    With lots of bravery of sharing what doesn’t work for me in the moment … That’s what I thinkneas the key..,



  129.  #129Luzydel on January 8, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    @ Daria “”What is your forever after With a Man?””

    I am getting rid of expectations, of society’s rules. So like I said a ring and or a piece of paper is not my main goal.

    I would love to have a relationship with an indefinite outcome. Making every day a new one for us, to travel and see the world, I want him to “get me” and accept me. I want excitement, passion, to loose and at the same time find ourselves in the union (whatever that may be). If he ask me to marry him I may say yes, but I will not get sad or upset if he doesn’t. because I know and feel his deep commitment to me that it doesn’t have to be measure or proven.



  130.  #130Daria on January 8, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Slv – someone elses idea of feminine is not important.

    It’s the energy , feeling it and finding it inside u’s, expresses itself uniquely in each person.



  131.  #131Daria on January 8, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Luzydel – yes I feel bad to even notice come up – tho I notice it – the idea that he may not ask me, but if it’s not about him asking me for marriage than I will drop it out of my forever after all together.., to keep the focus only on good.

    I see me and my man between two mountains, holding hands in a sungold and orange huge sunset .



  132.  #132Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    @125: Daria says:

    “Slv – someone elses idea of feminine is not important.
    It’s the energy , feeling it and finding it inside u’s, expresses itself uniquely in each person….”

    I believe so.

    P.S. at home eating sharp cheese but wishing it were ice cream… 😆

    SLV



  133.  #133Brenda on January 8, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Hi! I’ve been getting all kinds of behind on the blog cuz I’ve been busy celebrating MY new year! 😆

    I had a party with my family tonight and lunch yesterday with my Mom and party at a friend’s house last night. Been a busy girl and having fun! Feeling at peace that Ryan is not a part of things right now. I feel I’ve made the shift I needed to make. A lot of the excellent words of wisdom here were part of it. Thanks!

    I got offered some chain link fence free off craigslist for my dogs and I really need it. I hope I can find someone to help me get it. It’s worth $800 and it is free! Where there’s a will there’s a way!

    I just watched a really beautiful, romantic movie, called, “Love Comes Softly”. It takes place in the old West, and a woman loses her husband just as she arrives to the West from a wagon train. She becomes a young, pregnant widow. It is winter, and she wants to go home to the East, but she has to wait til spring and has nowhere to live.

    A widower asks her for a marriage of convenience, to be a mother to his daughter, and then he will pay her fare to ride a wagon back home in the spring. Over time, they fall in love. But nothing is voiced, because of their agreement.

    As she is on her way about an hour from his farm, he finds her note, hoping he will ask her to stay. He gallops out to find her in the wagon, asking her to stay because he loves her.

    I put myself in her place, and I know I would have never actually packed and left without somehow letting him know I no longer wanted to leave.

    Probably the Siren way to do that would be with feeling messages, “I love being here! I feel so good to be with you and your daughter!” That type of thing.

    But watching the movie, I felt so in masculine energy. I found myself saying to her on the screen, “Come on, you idiot! Tell him you are in love with him! Tell him you want to stay!”

    It really helped me to see how much I struggle with being in control and being a go-getter, always trying to make things happen.

    I want a man to take the lead. But when he doesn’t, I am too quick to take the lead. I am going to find situations in my every day life to practice leaning back. I did it pretty well last night at the party. Five of us were in a controversial discussion at a table. I flat out disagreed with what was being said. Every time I felt the urge to set things straight, I just physically leaned back and took a sip of my drink, silently telling myself to not comment. I felt good about how I handled it. Then I will get in the habit of leaning back.

    These are deep psychological changes we are making, and they don’t take place after one time hearing Rori’s CDs sometimes. I remember when I first listened to her. She said, “Whatever you’re doing in the relationship, just stop.” Even tho I heard the words, that felt alien to me. It really has taken a long, inner change for me to be able to start to stop. 😆

    I love it how Rori always reminds us…baby steps!



  134.  #134Katnina on January 8, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Hi Lucy and SLV,
    my take on EMK’s “alpha male” and having to be second place to him is that “alpha male” = a selfish man. or a man who puts himself and his needs first and doesn’t consider his partner’s needs to be equal to his.
    selfish is a loaded word and i’m trying to come up with a different one but my brain’s blanking at the moment.

    i believe that both masculine energy men and feminine energy men can be selfish in this way. ie both feminine energy men and masculine energy men can want to always put their own needs first.
    I also believe both masculine energy men and feminine energy men can be “nice guys” = men who want to be equal to their partner or put their partner’s needs first.

    what does this look like to me?
    a masculine man who wants to put his partner’s needs first or to be her equal, will step up and make sure she is happy, comfortable, feels taken care of, etc.
    a feminine energy man who wants to put his partner’s needs first may lean back and not step up with planning dates, etc, but will still consider her emotional needs before his own or at the same time as his own -ie be supportive of her emotionally, etc.

    a masculine “alpha” man will not make his partner’s needs his first priority or equal to his- his needs get met first and then he will think about meeting hers. i think super-driven workaholics often fit into this category.
    a feminine energy man who is an “alpha male” will lean back and always consider his own feelings first- ie expect emotional support from her but not necessarily provide the same amount to her, while expecting her to ‘row the boat’ or take charge of the relationship.

    what do you think?



  135.  #135Katnina on January 8, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    p.s. on friday night, i went on a second date with a guy who is acting like a masculine energy nice guy- ie he is stepping up and planned both dates, wouldn’t let me pay for anything (i like to offer), kissed me (this is big for me bc pre-Rori i often kissed men first), already asked me out for next weekend, and is taking my happiness & needs into consideration. and he’s cute & smart too!

    we’ll see how it goes with him (i’m cd’ing others) but they appear to be out there!



  136.  #136Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Katrina,

    I just read it and that was my take on it, too. In Evan’s terms, an alpha male is too self absorbed, whether it be in his career, his ego or his need to judge, train and change you, to make a woman a true priority in his life.

    Reading EMK’S “Why He Disappeared” today. In the book, he seems to refer to Type A men as we would masculine men and Type B men as feminine (don’t like making decisions, etc.). Here he says that we can be with a Type A man most effectively by embracing our feminine side, ie not rowing the boat. He makes it sound so simple and it coincides with RR.

    So I don’t think he’s referring to masculine men as Alpha men, but men with qualities that are counter-relationship.



  137.  #137Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    One of my favorite things EMK has said in this book is that all we need to do is lean back and let him come towards us. He approaches us, we say yes. He asks in advance for a date, we say yes. He wants to kiss us, he has to make the first move. We say yes. And so on. We don’t have to do anything. Just see what he does and mirror his efforts. If he doesn’t do it, you have your answer. There is nothing beyond what he is doing. If he isn’t proposing within what you feel is a reasonable time, he isn’t going to, etc. I already know this, but it’s great to read it from a slightly different point of view, as well as from a man’s.
    If they wanna, they do. If they don’t, they don’t. It’s all loud and clear. I just have to stop denying what’s happening right in front of my face if things aren’t going as I hoped they would. Very liberating.



  138.  #138Nancy on January 8, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    oops! sorry Katnina, I misread and misspelled your name.



  139.  #139snowqueen on January 9, 2011 at 1:38 am

    @Lucy

    rereading both our comments – yes, you’re right I think I did misunderstand what you wrote. (and got the thread number wrong!) I thought that you were suggesting that because Rori said we should not be looking for equality, and that we should be utilising our feminine and therefore attracting masculine energy men that we should therefore be attracting alpha males (if you put that together with what EMK wrote).

    Anyway that’s what I was responding to. Sorry if I misrepresented you there.

    I suspect I ‘saw’ that because it’s something which particularly interested me when I was first reading Rori’s stuff – I don’t particularly like or want alpha males so I’ve tended to attract feminine energy men (but in very masculine bodies, I don’t go for feminine looking men, maybe I should!). But they bore me and irritate me eventually. So I had a dilemma – do I have to become all girlie to attract a ‘real man’? I can’t completely change who I am or I’d be inauthentic.

    Reading Rori gave me a third way to think about it. Thinking in terms of energies meant that it can become a dance, a dynamic – with the balance of masculine energies over with the man, but not always. I guess the way I think about it now is the percentages. And Rori did say in the book that it doesn’t matter who is doing M or F energies as long as there’s a balance. So for me I guess I like the man to be around 75+% doing the M energy.

    Research about why couples stay together showed that the most reliable indicator was when the man took account of the woman’s point of view. Based on observing thousands of couples’ communication patterns. One of the things that Rori helps with is improving our communication patterns towards men so they can hear our point of view better. I know in the past I have tried to get across my view in an M energy way. Now I use F energy ways and lo and behold he listens!



  140.  #140Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 2:15 am

    argh argh argh get out of my head
    arghhhhh
    argh argh argh
    out you go! shoo! shoo! to think of all the things you didn’t give me a chance to say and the ways I want to defend myself from feeling like i was being made out to be a liar and a whore, such torture! bah! argh, out of my head! out you go! shoo! shoo!

    shoo!
    shoo!
    shoo!!
    shoo shoo!



  141.  #141Daria on January 9, 2011 at 4:28 am

    Mervedrs cimment about me still being stick on a man from tge past who has a cikf now really helpd me!

    I am cryig about it and kwtting it go.

    What I like og this relationship yhat I want is safety what I likd about yhay witj competitr .. Being desired.

    Seeing how all my past relationshipsbfeullfillled a need

    Sering how I was in feminine and jow thr pushing away happebedm
    i didnt hae a relationship desirrv
    he coulfnt offer mr what I wantrf he trief.

    But fidu



  142.  #142Leo on January 9, 2011 at 5:29 am

    Hi Ladies!

    I feel so happy right now.
    Lately, it’s going up and down a lot. I am not balanced for I have to study a lot and feel afraid of not passing this exam I have to take next friday.
    I take my time to do my sports cause it helps me focus on me and balance.
    Today the weather was quite nice so my Man picked me up at my place. He gave me a little gift (some parfume i was thinking about buying). I felt feminine and loved.
    Then we had our bike ride and it was so much fun. We enjoyed the weather and I was not thinking about how I miss him wanting more sex, cause I want more, and that I miss the teasing.
    I put it in a box labeled with “I miss” and then I shut it and enjoyed the MOMENT.
    We were chatting, laughing and just having fun and exercising. He kept asking me if the pace was okay or too fast, if i feel okay, if i need to stop and get something to eat or drink.
    Then he leaned in to kiss me saying good bye and asked when we see each other again.
    I told him next weekend for the weekend but I didnt know when I would come over for on friday there is the exam and I havent decided what to do afterwards (Sauna, massage, going out drinking (w/ or w/o him)). And he said: Well, then come on Saturday, you will see. I will be happy to see you.
    Then he said he loved me and headed home.

    It felt like the perfect “date” with my Man.
    He was caring, he listened, he asked again what I was saying after we got interupted….

    This whole thing made me see…..

    I need to give him time and space to actually MISS me. And he DOES.

    This was my biggest mistake in the past year to year and a half – being available to him ALL the time…

    Feel happy!



  143.  #143Wonder Woman on January 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

    I have had a shift in my thought process.

    I am no longer focusing on dieting or healthy eating to lose weight but I am focusing on nourishing and feeding my body the foods it wants and needs in order for me to love myself and take care of myself.

    This way it feels like everytime I get a glass of water instead of a fizzy drink or have a piece of fruit instead of chocolate I am not fighting my cravings….I am simply choosing to love and take care of myself and the body I am blessed to have and enjoy.

    This seems so much kinder and easier to sustain.



  144.  #144Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Rough night. Woke up at 3 and went really deep into grief over my recent guy of 2.5 years. What shall I call him on the blog? Mr. Ex? Mr Almost? I dunno. I’d like to call him TheGuyWhoWasEnoughOfACarrotToForceMeToReallyLearnAndChangeMyPatterns, but that’s just way too long. LOL
    Anyway, what I really wanted to get written here is that feeling as strong as I am, in general, with the occasional plunge into grief, I tend to forget just how long it took me to bring myself to this point with that relationship… to the point where I could let it go and feel/trust I would survive that. I saw my first flags that this would not turn into the marriage that I crave at about 4 months into the relationship. He went from saying things like he was head over heels in love and that we had forever together if we wanted, to saying things like “If I ever get married again…” and “Well, I’m not really in the market for a live-in kind of relationship because of my recent trauma” (he was about a year out of a divorce at that point). Because I was in too deeply to be able to cope with those things, I pushed them off my radar, even as I tried to address them with him. And because he was sweet and loving and said he loved me and called me every day and spent every single one of his weekends with me, planned a yearly trip to Hawaii with me and truly valued his time with me and loved singing and playing and recording music with me and because sex between us was the most amazing I’ve ever experienced and because we shared so much spiritually and had great conversations woven throughout our days together about it… because there was so much there that I valued and found it all to be a very rare package, I considered it to be a great gift. And unfortunately, I started trying to sell it to him when I felt him start moving away from it.
    I don’t know why he moved away from forever, whether he started to fall, but didn’t, but apparently the alarm didn’t go off all the way for him/I didn’t quite do it for him… whatever. I began to see that in less than 6 months into the relationship and it took me another 2 years to get to the point where I stopped misapplying hope, started grieving and came up with a plan to unplug myself from it so that I could move on. I had this same kind of experience when I realized I had to leave my ex-husb. Took over a year to feel like I could withstand it. I prefer to do some of the grieving in the relationship. It helps me.
    The real point for me now is that what I wrote in #132 about not denying what’s happening with a man right in front of my face is a hell of a lot easier said than done. Once I jump in, open my heart, begin to invest and become hormonally, emotionally and involved through sex with a man, especially if I truly do love him… it’s going to take me a long time to back that down if I need to. As I thought of this this morning I realized how critical it is for me to CD. Probably until I’m engaged and probably without sleeping with anyone I feel I could really fall for. I’m just not willing to invest myself like that again unless I have big commitment from the man.
    I feel so scared whenever my thoughts come around to it again. Men don’t want to become engaged before they have sex with you. I start feeling afraid that it’ll just never happen for me. But, as I did just now, then I remember Rori and “The List” and the the fairytale and the real possibility that a man will come along and simply fall. And I’ll know it and I’ll feel it and it’ll all fall into place and it will happen fast. And CDing is really my path to having him find me. There, I feel better now.



  145.  #145Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 6:09 am

    Leo,

    Happy for you!



  146.  #146Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 6:12 am

    WW, I really like that! Feels so much better than restricting yourself in order to lose poundage.



  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 6:14 am

    @140: Nancy says:

    “Glad you’re feeling better. And I guess you could call him “Carrot Man”… 😉

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  148.  #148Leo on January 9, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Thanks, Nancy.

    I just feel so great right now.
    My sports, him… just felt great. Now I can actually enjoy the rain outside 🙂



  149.  #149Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 6:20 am

    @139 Nancy says:

    “…TheGuyWhoWasEnoughOfACarrotToForceMeToReallyLearnAndChangeMyPatterns, but that’s just way too long. LOL…”

    I see I left out your quote.. 😳 I hope you are having a good Sunday. Did you ever try knitting? It’s kind of amazing and therapeutic, like meditation, which sounds kind of strange unless you’ve done it.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  150.  #150Leo on January 9, 2011 at 6:25 am

    @ SLV,

    yeah, knitting is such a great something ^^.
    I always need something to do with my hands…while watching TV, ya know.
    Knitting is perfect for it.

    -Leo-



  151.  #151Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 6:38 am

    LMAO, SLV. Carrot Man. I love it! And thanks. I hope you have a nice Sunday, too. There are lots of women in my office who knit. Looks like it’s soothing, especially during long, boring meetings. Maybe I’ll give it a whirl.



  152.  #152Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 6:47 am

    @145: Leo says:
    “…while watching TV, ya know…”

    Yeah, double pleasure… 😀

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  153.  #153Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Why did the 60s have to happen, dammit? It used to be that a woman could insist on engagement before sex without looking like a crazy throw-back. It makes so much sense… engagement used to be the time of really finding out whether you were compatible, of becoming exclusive and really test driving the relationship, planning your wedding, planning your household together, planning your marriage. How could something so conservative now appear so radical that people reject the idea out of hand? I have heard so many men say that if a woman won’t sleep with them somewhere between dates 3 and 10, they walk, knowing there are plenty of women who will oblige. Well, at least the man I’m dating now tolerates it. I’ve told him I’ll date casually until I’m engaged and that I don’t plan on sleeping with my casual dates and he’s still coming around.

    SLV, what shall we call him? Mr. Nice? Mr. TreatsMeWell? Mr. LikesMeThoughIt’sInconvenientForHim?

    This feels fun!

    Ugh, I need to go back to bed and sleep for a while.



  154.  #154Lori on January 9, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Sirens I need some advice. I’ve decided to go back online in order to ramp up my CDing. I’ve dated online for many years, but not since doing the Rori programs. I’m trying to rewrite my profile and am coming up with a serious block. I realized in the past my profiles were basically me trying to “sell” myself on all of my good qualities. It just doesn’t feel like it fits with what Rori teaches. My question is, how much should I tell about myself? Should I flat out say I’m “old fashioned” and expect a man to pursue me? What types of things should be included and what should be left out? Any advice would be appreciated!



  155.  #155Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 7:06 am

    148: Nancy says:

    “…what shall we call him? Mr. Nice? Mr. TreatsMeWell? Mr. LikesMeThoughIt’sInconvenientForHim?
    This feels fun!…

    It is fun. While you are dreaming, think up something to call him and let us know.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  156.  #156Lori on January 9, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Nancy,

    I hear you! I’ve had LOTS of men flat out EXPECT sex on the 3rd or 4th date and walk when it didn’t happen even though I was upfront with them from the beginning. Yet just one generation before me, my mother didn’t have sex with my father until their wedding night! How did everything get turned so upside down in just one generation? It makes me feel so icky that casual sex has become an expectation.

    I’ve noticed with alot of younger women, they’ll decide right away if they want to have sex with someone and if not, they won’t accept that 3rd date. So if I accept a third date with a man, many just assume I’m gonna have sex with them!



  157.  #157Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 7:23 am

    @149: Lori says:

    Re: online profile

    EMK has a book. Are you in U.S.? It’s probably at your library. I borrowed it and I’ve had it on my bookshelf for months.

    I should read it today! Thanks for reminding me; I’m going to get some coffee and also read the book!

    The book is:

    ” ‘I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book.’ : A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating.”
    by Evan Marc Katz

    Yeah, that’s the title. LOL

    Also, here is Rori’s OKCupid post:

    How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/how-to-use-and-be-successful-on-okcupid/

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  158.  #158Lori on January 9, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Thanks SLV, yes I’m in the US!



  159.  #159Lori on January 9, 2011 at 8:50 am

    I feel shallow because although I’m not really picky about looks in men as far as weight, features etc go, I feel very turned off by mustaches, beards etc. I don’t know how to make myself feel attracted to a man with facial hair and I don’t know how to tell them that’s why I’m not attracted to them. I feel bad about myself for being this shallow. I’m getting lots of online responses and soooo many of the men in my age range have 70s style porno mustaches and it makes me feel icky about them…and then I feel icky about myself for being like this…



  160.  #160Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Ladies,

    I tried to use feeling messages almost exclusively in my profile. Lori, you can look at it if you want… in fact anyone here can. I’d love the feedback! Let’s see… POF has a username search, so look there for knowyoureoutthere (except that I don’t want to have sex on the 3rd date! lol). Actually I love this idea. Please take a look and let me know where I can make changes so it has more feeling messages/comes across as more feminine. I’d appreciate it.



  161.  #161Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Lori, I know how you feel, but your preferences are just a natural part of you. I’m not sure you can control them. And men certainly don’t feel bad about theirs! They complain all the time that they met a woman who was older, heavier, not who she said she was and they don’t feel like they have to feel icky about it.

    I met a really nice, wonderful on the phone guy the other day and he had yucky teeth. If facial hair grosses you out, same thing. Except that, if you met someone you really liked who had it, you could ask if he’d consider shaving… he just might.



  162.  #162Scarlett on January 9, 2011 at 9:31 am

    I feel triggered right now. I’m talking to this guy N from POF and we haven’t met before. And he just sent me a text asking me if I enjoy going out and dressing up. And I said yes of course, what girl doesn’t? And he wrote back, heels? And I said, yea heels too. And then he said, I like a lot. I want to spend more time with you. I know on the surface this sounds like a good thing, but I just felt so icky when he said that. I mean what difference does it make if I wear heels or how dressed up I look when I meet him? I think now that my response is the only reason why he wants to meet me. Is he looking for a slutty girl, or a girl that dresses slutty? Because I sure am not those things. I don’t want to be judged by the way that I dress. I want to be myself and not pretend to be high maintenance when I’m not.



  163.  #163Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:36 am

    SLV, thank you for posting the okcupid link! I hadn’t seen that post before and it’s good to read.

    I don’t like to favorite or e-mail men on the site (or wink or email on match). It’s enough for me to view a man’s page if I find him interesting. Though I don’t spend time searching, I do look at who has viewed me. I have found time and again, that if I do any pursuing, he may respond fleetingly, but it doesn’t go anywhere. And usually, they don’t respond. I’ve come to the conclusion that if The Man is out there, he’ll find me. Just sayin’.



  164.  #164Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Thanks Nancy,

    I did have one guy shave for me when I said I liked him alot but wasn’t a big fan of facial hair. I never asked him to, he just did it. I ended up dating him for 6 months, but distance took its toll for him.

    I feel going back online is bringing up alot of old triggers. Like when I see a profile of a guy who says hes 45 but his picture looks like he’s 65, I feel suspicious that he’s lying about his age. Or when a hot 25 year old guy sends me a nice sweet message I feel turned off because I suspect he’s only trying to hook up with an older woman. I feel very triggered and suspicious. I don’t like feeling like this. I want to feel open and experience this differently now that I have Rori’s tools to practice with.



  165.  #165Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

    RE my post #155. I have another user name on a different site, Fun and Normal. I thought it was my POF name when I wrote the post and was joking that I’m fun and normal except that I won’t have sex on a 3rd date. Then I switched the user name once I discovered I had them confused and forgot to take out my joke… thus my weird sounding line about sex and 3rd dates. I feel embarrassed!



  166.  #166Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Lori I have those feelings, too. And let’s face it, when a 19 or 25 year old writes and tells me how hot I am and that I seem nice and romantic and that he hopes I’ll have an open mind… he probably IS interested in a hook up with an older woman and I find that creepy feeling. There is no way around that for me. I mean, he’s young enough to be my son. Ick! The flip side is that it’s always a bit of a boost to have any man write and say hi, in any way. It’s always a compliment. A man noticed me. That’s nice. It feels good.

    So, for me, it’s about knowing those things are just a part of online dating. It’s a mixed bag emotionally. I joke and say I have to suffer the slings and arrows on the way to my man.

    I’ve learned ways to curtail the suffering, however. Didn’t you ask me about “The List”? It has great online dating advice… how to screen for serious interest in you. Very helpful.

    Just keep going. It will find you.



  167.  #167Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Lori humming old Steve Miller Band song “you’ve got to go through hell before you get to heaven”…… : )



  168.  #168Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Kiss the frogs…… 🙂



  169.  #169Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Nancy,

    Yeah I need to read The List. I’ve been lied to so often that I’ve really become suspicious and I don’t like feeling like that. The last guy I met online before I deleted all of my profiles told me he had cancer and 6 months to live and hoped I’d spend his last months with him. I ran into a woman I thought was a mutual friend and expressed my sorrow about his illness and found out that not only was he NOT sick, he was ENGAGED to her!!!

    So now I have “hyperradarism” and am constantly looking for glitches in their stories. I don’t want to feel suspicious about everyone… I want to feel open and trusting again…



  170.  #170Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:04 am

    I don’t like it when I see a profile with no picture. I feel suspicious the guy might be married or in a relationship….



  171.  #171Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 10:06 am

    I like the idea of changing past guy’s names. Love Interest (LI) needs a new name. I don’t suppose Mr. Won’t Communicate Ever/Jerk Me Around/Play With My Poor Heart/Not Even Give Me A Respectful BreakUp is a good name. Takes too long to type.

    How about Mr. WTF. Hahahaha. Ohhhh it actually feels bad to come up with negative names.

    I feel very sad this morning:( sad and stuck. la la la



  172.  #172Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Me, too. Sometimes, if one emails me, I’ll write back and say so.

    I dated a guy for 3 months who I’m now convinced was married and he had pics, just from far away and with sunglasses on. We get better at intuiting these things. I swear by my paranoia! LOL



  173.  #173Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Nancy,

    OMG yes the far away sunglasses hat pics! Don’t they really alllook the same in those? Not really the way to stand out in a crowd, guys! Yet those same guys are the ones that insist WE have close up face and full length pics!!!!



  174.  #174Turtle Girl on January 9, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Dorothea-

    Just wishing you a very pleasant day even tho you feel sad this morning.

    I think I am going to call all my ex’s Mr. X, with another letter signifying whatever it was about him that wasn’t healthy. Mr. XL. The one on lockdown.
    Mr. XA. The one angry. MR. XI 1-3. Otherwise known as the “Impotent Series”. lol…..

    Then there was Mr. XN, “No clue” oh I am feeling so bratty today, I could have fun with this for hours.
    But alas, must go, have stuff to do…..xxoo



  175.  #175Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:22 am

    I feel suspicious if a kind of creepy looking guy just puts my pics in his favorites and never contacts me that he’s just using my pics for “material” later! EWWWW!!!!!!

    ROFLMAO I’m cracking myself up with my suspicions!!!



  176.  #176Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Have a great day TG. Thanks for the laughs!

    Dorthea, it is fun. I like your long name for Mr. Jerk Me Around. Sorry you’re feeling sad. Me, too this morning. Tough night last night. May we both feel better as the day goes on.



  177.  #177Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I wish I could just forget all about him. I feel truly hurt and heart broken. I think it’s nice that there’s a new guy who is braving the fact that LI could come back and i could go back to him but exclusively. I like brave guys who just want me. And understand it’s a choice I make. Not some sort of obligation that I psychically divine when they don’t even say they want me all to themselves, ESPECIALLY after telling me repeatedly they don’t want me.

    f*ckin A man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  178.  #178Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:26 am

    @Lori
    @156: Nancy says:

    “…They complain all the time that they met a woman who was older, heavier, not who she said she was and they don’t feel like they have to feel icky about it…”

    Men are something aren’t they? They aren’t even embarassed about it. I took little visit to POF a few minutes ago, and saw guy’s profile, he’s 64 but looking for a 40-something woman… and his profile was in all CAPS, maybe he’s…oh, I don’t know… 😆

    Nancy, your profile is nice and you have lovely photos also.

    I’m reading EMK book this afternoon. There are five very interesting full profile examples, decades 20s through 60s. There was not a 70s profile so I guess I’d better hurry up so I don’t need one of those. 😯

    I am learning so much by reading posts on this blog. I get the opportunity to ponder what I would do before being thrown in the situation.

    My ex-husband used to wear a moustache from time to time, it was rather light and kind of fun and tickly sometimes. 😀

    But I know that some guys have facial hair that can be irritating, especially beards.

    I’ve now had a chance to think about facial hair and what I would do. I would try to imagine what the guy looks like without the moustache, beard (I hope not sideburns…) because facial hair can be changed in only a few minutes! That would take care of the initial attraction I think, imagining what he looked like without it.

    If it were one date only, it wouldn’t matter and I could do a little CD practice. Maybe if I were asked for more than a first date, on second date I would ask him if he always wore a moustache and see what happened next.

    It could be a guy has always been clean shaven and is just trying it out because he thinks it looks cool… like women change hair color when embarking on a new enterprise…like Internet dating.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  179.  #179Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 10:26 am

    thank you nancy! we WILL get through this. We are great girls and deserve the best.



  180.  #180Deb on January 9, 2011 at 10:30 am

    @ 79: Nancy

    Taking the “practicing” attitude towards this dude is right on! But practicing means that we do it for *all* sides of our emotions.

    This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now. I am in a very similar situation with a CD known as Shag.

    Today is actually going to be the day for me to express some things he doesn’t want to hear… ahhh, I’m scared! But I have to stick up for my Self and my true feelings if I’m ever going to get what I want.

    I have given it a good few months, but I am just not feeling attracted. He’s handsome and fit, so I’m surprised that he hasn’t grown on me, but his kisses are the worst! Like dry little pecks 😛

    Similar to your guy, he also just doesn’t make me laugh 🙁 Its like our senses of humor are on different planes. What makes it worse is that he thinks he’s really funny and talks about his jokes after he tells him! ew!

    Maybe I just feel cornered by him. He’s been a complete gentleman and does everything “textbook” right: planning great & fun dates, flowers, staying in touch, gifts, etc. I know he wants to get very serious and would propose to me.

    But sometimes its like he doesn’t hear me. He tries to mark me like his territory by being showy and posting pictures of all of our dates on facebook. I’ve told him I don’t like that, but I have to tell him each time, and that just makes me aggravated!

    I declined 2 dates with him this weekend, I just got back and am extremely busy, but he doesn’t want to hear it! So he asked if he could come over today. Fine. You want to come over? I will fit you in between my scheduled work items and tell you how it is. He’s actually making this easier by pissing me off.

    Now I feel bad, too 🙁 He decided to take a job overseas for the next year after I told him that I didn’t want to be a factor in the decision. He said it really hurt him that no one was there to greet him when he came home last time he was away for a year. But that doesn’t mean you can rush my feelings or try to force me into a mold that I don’t fit. *sigh*

    If anyone has any last-minute tips on how to best go about this conversation, I would great appreciate it!



  181.  #181Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:31 am

    EWWWWW Lori, hahaha I’ve had that same thought. And yes, those guys who insist on seeing the goods even tho’ they don’t seem to care about their own pics… l feel worried that they’ll be hypocritical and judgmental in more ways than just that one.

    I had a guy write the other day. He had one photo, of him walking in a stream with his face mostly hidden because he was looking down. And he was wearing sunglasses. I decided not to reply. He could be clueless, but why take the chance?

    And why do no men write and ask for my number? Even if they say they want to meet, they don’t ask for it. They usually offer theirs at some point, and I’m waiting for them to ask for mine. Since we use cell phones and caller ID, there is no protection for me if I call them first… so why do they do that? I’ve only had 1 or 2 out of many men who have contacted me ask me for my number… Are men broken?



  182.  #182Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:31 am

    SLV,

    Yes, it’s amazing really what they expect without having anything to offer in return. I got an email from a man 20+ years older than me saying he liked younger women because he could “mentor” and “teach” them and they could learn from his wisdom and experience. Geezzzz man, I may be alot younger than you are, but I’m 40 not 14!!!!!!



  183.  #183Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

    163: Lori says:

    “…So now I have “hyperradarism”…

    ROFL 😆

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  184.  #184Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Nancy,

    yeah the number thing irks me too. I’ve had countless first emails saying simply “Hi I’m John Doe, my number is 555-555-5555, call me if you like my profile”



  185.  #185Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:35 am

    165: Dorothea says:

    “…Mr. WTF Guy?…”

    I especially like it with the “Mr.” included. LOL

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  186.  #186Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:37 am

    LOL SLV makes me think of Kathy Bates saying “Mr. Man” in “Misery” ROFLMAO!



  187.  #187Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 10:38 am

    I dunno, “Mr.” implies a level of maturity that usually involves TALKING about what bothers you before you throw someone away, lol. Master would be better. He said his grandpa used to address him as Master on his birthday cards when he was just a kid.



  188.  #188Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:39 am

    SLV, thanks for looking at my profile and the compliment. Did you think it had a feeling message/feminine tone, overall?

    Let me know if you come across any really good tips for profile writing in your reading today. And yes, men really are something.



  189.  #189Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:39 am

    @168: TG

    “…MR. XI 1-3. Otherwise known as the “Impotent Series”…”

    LMAO 😆

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  190.  #190Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:39 am

    SLV,

    would you care to view and give feedback on my profile? It’s not quite finished yet as I just wrote it this morning, but I’d love feedback of any kind….



  191.  #191Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Deb,

    Your conversation would be telling him you’ve been hoping your level of attraction and sense of belonging with him would grow but hasn’t?



  192.  #192Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Lori I’d love it if you’d give feedback on mine and I’d feel happy to do the same if you like.



  193.  #193Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:46 am

    @TG and SLV

    “…MR. XI 1-3. Otherwise known as the “Impotent Series”…”

    Hysterical, no?



  194.  #194Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

    @180: Lori says:
    “LOL SLV makes me think of Kathy Bates saying “Mr. Man” in “Misery” ROFLMAO! ”

    Can’t stop laughing. 😆

    And, … I hope none of us ever gets as desperate as the crazy Kathy Bates character.

    I just love the roles Kathy Bates plays. I love, love, love, her in “Fried Green Tomatoes.” ==> “…we got more insurance…” LOL LOL LOL

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  195.  #195Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

    @Deb #174

    Taking the “practicing” attitude towards this dude is right on! But practicing means that we do it for *all* sides of our emotions.

    Can you elaborate? I really want to understand more about “all sides of our emotions.”



  196.  #196Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:52 am

    @182: Nancy says:
    “Let me know if you come across any really good tips for profile writing in your reading today. And yes, men really are something….”

    EMK advises against using adjectives and he instead writes “specific” examples that “tell a story.”

    I’m going out for a couple hours but I’ll post some examples when i get back. And I haven’t finished the book yet…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  197.  #197Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 10:53 am

    @Lori, #178

    Men know that they ask a woman for her phone number. I mean, that’s just common knowledge, right? Or do they have some confusion about that now? I just don’t get it.

    That particular quote you put sounds like what I’ve heard many guys do online… they expect not to get many replies, so they email as many women as they can with the same message and hope one calls. Not very flattering, is it.



  198.  #198Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Nancy,

    http://www.okcupid.com/profile

    2011Carolinagirl

    Thats me



  199.  #199Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

    @184: Lori

    I’ll take a look but I don’t think I’ll be much help.

    One question, @Nancy or anyone else using POF. In previous “scouting” trips there, I saw something about a certification for long term or serious relationship, some medallion or something?

    There was “testing.” Is that still in effect?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  200.  #200Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:57 am

    send me the link to your Nancy!



  201.  #201Lori on January 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Nancy,

    Oh yes, the “cut and paste” message. I had forgotten about those….



  202.  #202Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 11:02 am

    @181: Dorothea says:
    “, lol. Master would be better. He said his grandpa used to address him as Master on his birthday cards when he was just a kid…”

    Uh-oh, “Master” for boys and very young teens… Was it that bad?… oops

    But funny and it could even be “Little Master WTF…” LOL I’m so sorry to say I like that! I hope one of my CDs messes up just so I can use it…I guess that is too, too naughty of me…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  203.  #203Leo on January 9, 2011 at 11:04 am

    @Nancy,

    I read your profile and it made me feel like I wanna know more about you.
    I felt impressed by such a good “description”, like… I struggle sometimes to come up with words, so I thought yours was great.

    To me it just felt really really honest and totally open!
    Not like an “open book” where you already know everything….more like open to a point where one wants to know more and more!

    I felt great reading it and it actually felt like fun. I enjoyed cause there is clearly someone who knows what they want and are willing to share that thought.

    thumbs up 🙂



  204.  #204Lori on January 9, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Nancy,

    you are beautiful and your profile is perfect! I need to get more “feeling” in mine…..



  205.  #205Lori on January 9, 2011 at 11:23 am

    SLV

    “Little Master WTF” OMG ROFLMAO!!!!



  206.  #206Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Leo and Lori,

    Wow! Thank you! I feel a little embarrassed and overwhelmed and all at once omg that’s so nice to hear, from both of you. Thanks!

    Here’s a question. I recently took this off because I was afraid it was too off-putting. I had this list at the bottom, in an effort to protect myself from the vampires, lol:

    It feels strange and sad that this needs to be said, but if any of the following applies to you, please don’t contact me:

    You are married
    Actively addicted to drugs, porn or alcohol
    Criminal record of any kind
    Active sexual addiction
    Not at all interested in marriage
    Not at all interested in children
    Don’t like dogs or are unkind to any animal
    Moody
    Regular smoker

    How would that feel after reading the profile and finding it at the bottom? Would it change the tone?

    I so appreciate the feedback!



  207.  #207Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 11:32 am

    if they are moody or drink too much, for example, they’d probably contact you anyway haha



  208.  #208Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Lori, you’re absolutely gorgeous! Those are nice shots. I love your profile. Very interestingly, the most fun part to read was your feeling messages about mustaches! It’s real, honest and fresh feeling. I think men will love it and be shaving left and right for you. Way to be brave! I think if you just take the rest of your description and translate into feeling msg it will be dynamite.



  209.  #209Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 11:36 am

    @Dorthea, other people have said that, too. I guess I’ll leave it off. Probably just saying I want to build a happy, healthy committed relationship out loud is enough to scare away some of the bad guys.



  210.  #210Soul Sista on January 9, 2011 at 11:36 am

    hi ladies ~ i should have known there was a new post…lol

    i had a date last night with a guy that kept talking about his 2 boys…which was a turn off, and then lead ne to realize he is operating from an agenda.

    which then in turn i asked myself if i had an agenda…and i kind of do in the back of my mind, which i then immediately dropped 🙂

    i am cd’ng to learn my truth and how to express it, have fun and get ready to attract the One. i dont have Targeting Mr. Right so that’s the best i can do right now… LOL



  211.  #211Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Dear Master WTF.
    LOL I dont’ like that
    Dear LI,
    Thank you for setting me free so that I can have the freedom and space and clarity to get what I truly want in romance. Thank you for releasing me from your holding pattern. This way I am more likely to get what I want and know that he wants it too! Thank you from releasing me from your uncertainty and back and forthness with me. Thank you for the break from it all. Thank you for showing me your true immature colors right now so that there’s no confusion about where you’re at right now. thank you. thank you because if you ever come into my life again it will be so much easier to see if you’ve changed, and I will not always feel like I’m waiting to be rejected so I can let my guard down if that were to happen.

    thank you for releasing me from your hot and cold prison.



  212.  #212Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Lori,
    I just added “The way I feel when a great guy asks for my phone number” to the “other favorite things” section of my profile after our discussion this morning. Let’s hope it helps!



  213.  #213Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Dorthea,

    I LOVE your thank you note! I could write the very same thing to my recently ex’d guy (Mr. Carrot, lol) Very much the hot and cold man. Look out! The Ice Man cometh!

    Anyway, very nicely said. Helpful to me.



  214.  #214Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 11:51 am

    oh and thank you because as soon as you released me from the prison of uncertainty you kept me in since october came and went and all your empty promises proved empty, the yeast infection i had started clearing up finally. after months and months

    the prison of not having your man ever be able to initiate sex in an assured way. the prison of coming over for a new years kiss but being denied because people are watching LOL. the prison of you being afraid of me so that i could never feel safe to voice my grievances. the prison of your utter lack of strength to stand up for our relationship and yourself. the prison of you trying to please me and keep me happy in a way that didnt feel healthy but fear-based. inauthentic. the prison of telling you that i felt it all changing for the better and i finally felt safe, only to have you dump me yet again two days later.

    f*ck you nigggaaaaaa

    i am a free bird



  215.  #215Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 11:51 am

    LOL the ice man cometh!!!

    seriously.

    it’s like an alternate super villain persona he had



  216.  #216Jim on January 9, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    SVL,
    Yes you are naughty.

    BTW that You Tube video was too funny! I knew she was setting him up for another and the way she pulled it off was hilarious. I would thank you for it but somehow I get the feeling, you were being your usual dog the guy self. Never the less, it was funny. And good sense of humor you have… Something more women could use a whole lot more of… Sorry, had to say it.

    SS,
    Hope your fireman date came off well?



  217.  #217Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    @205: Dorothea says:
    Dear Master WTF.
    LOL I dont’ like that
    Dear LI,..”

    I probably wouldn’t like the “Master WTF” either; it might seem kind of Ds/Ms as though you had stepped out of vanilla world into BSDM lifestyle with you as bottom… 😥

    People arrived and didn’t got out yet 😛 … Sunday is fading away…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  218.  #218Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    didn’t GO out yet… ehhhh

    SLV



  219.  #219Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    @Jim

    “being your usual dog the guy self”

    Look Jimbo, knock off the name calling. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you know that’s what you’re doing.

    You are being your usual self here to give asshole advice while keeping yourself hidden.

    SLV

    I really have to leave now. I hope when I return you have not yet again said some silly, worthless thing to one of the ladies.



  220.  #220Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    @Jim

    I really can’t stand a liar, that’s “YOU”



  221.  #221Soul Sista on January 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Jim ~ I’m not interested in interacting with any men on this blog who are not a relationship coach invited by Rori. thanks.



  222.  #222Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    what did i miss? why are we all turning on jim?



  223.  #223Brenda on January 9, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Hi!

    Just saying hi and don’t have time to be here much today cuz Lucy’s coming over!

    Jim,

    I feel sad to hear such harsh words being spoken to you. You are welcome here. And you are welcome in my emailbox. You’re a very nice man!



  224.  #224Lucy on January 9, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Nancy, I know lots of men who have gotten engaged before sleeping with a woman. I have no worries about that whatsoever.



  225.  #225Lucy on January 9, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I feel surprised and amused and curious about the facial hair discussion…

    1. WH had facial hair on our date and … yummy yummy, no problems here! Looked great and felt great kissing. (His online pics are a combo of some pics with and some without facial hair — wasn’t sure which I would be getting but he looks great both ways.)

    2. Sometimes I hardly notice whether a guy has facial hair or not! When I was dating D, near the end of a date he asked me why I hadn’t said anything about the fact that he had shaved off his beard and moustache. The truth was that I hadn’t even noticed! And I couldn’t even have told you that he had facial hair prior to that date! Lol. And this is a guy I had been physically intimate with several times… Sheesh, Lucy!!!



  226.  #226Lucy on January 9, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Hi Brenda! Did you text me back yet? My phone’s upstairs charging. 🙂



  227.  #227Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Lucy,

    I need to get some pictures of that into my brain. I don’t want to trouble you. Care to share a story or two?



  228.  #228Daria on January 9, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    After my wonderful date 2 nights ago… I was able to bring in that extreme “i feel loved by the world and safe” feminine energy out with my girl to the club

    it’s about practicing like i do with a man

    get in MY BODY

    find some pleasurable thing in my body to think about

    feel the other people as Energies, allow myself to feel their energies, look in their eyes and speak with joy



  229.  #229T-Girl on January 9, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    I just got back from a really great CD coffee date this morning…I guess there are more fish in the sea…what a great feeling! And a great end to the weekend!



  230.  #230Soul Sista on January 9, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    T-girl ~ hooray for you! That sounds awesome and i can’t wait to land in AZ so I can resume CD’ng 🙂



  231.  #231Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Healing my heart – healing my fear of not bring able to fulfill my dreams

    From one of my ancestors who died in the snow afraid that she wasn’t sure about the safety of her four children and niece

    Crying with divine mother and healing it

    Oh I feel super glad for the love rest and healing.

    I’ve been scared for so long.

    Love to me and I Did it! I fulfilled my goal of teaching and learning about death. 🙂

    It gelt so scary but I did it yes I analyze did it 🙂

    And I safe mow and loved and fulfilled !

    And I now want to start to learn about me… And what feels good what pleasures me. 🙂



  232.  #232Jim on January 9, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    SVL,

    Check you out, all bent over my comment. So how about if the video was turned around and the guy farted in the woman’s face and I sent it to you with the inherent messages enclosed? Would you have thought it as funny? Hmm….?

    I still would have thought it funny, So there, and it is.

    As far as my bad advice goes here in. Oh well, What I see going on, I comment on, from my perspective. Tell you what, I have some more bad advice for you…

    Next time you go on a cd date. you pay, you woo, you take the entire responsibility of a man. Put yourself in those shoes. Tell him to date other woman even though you may care for him. Tell him you want to be put on a list of cd’ing and that you’ll take your chances. Tell him to sit back, relax, you’ll do all the giving, the work just to show him you care. Tell him, to tell you, “SLV, I’ve got dates all lined out, hope you care for me because you got your work cut out. Good luck.”

    Advice? Life coach? Hmm…? What I’ve said before is primarily opinion and comment. The above is my solid advice to you SLV.

    Be prepared to be on equal ground with a man all the way and also with other people, women included.

    You started this “little game,” and you got called out by your little girl comments. It’s a good thing for you that’s all I bring to the table, my little girl that is… So smile, be happy, it’s a wonderful life.

    One other thing, “You are really cute when your pissed.” I bet you farted right there in your pants? C’mon, tell the truth…? 🙂

    SS:215,
    You don’t have to interact with me, nor do you have to read my comments here in. I put my opinion out there for all to view. Should I get stepped on, thats the chance I take.

    SLV,
    “You are being your usual self here to give asshole advice while keeping yourself hidden”

    I suppose I’m no more hidden than the rest of us herein.

    Jim… jlh101558@yahoo.com

    p.s. ladies, If I have hurt your feelings by anything I’ve written. My bad and I’m sorry and hope you feel better. I too am learning just like everyone here. So when something gets put on the table, it’s there to be dealt with or not.

    SVL, Where did you hide my crack pipe anyway. I told you never to touch it but noooooo!! Then again, maybe I just misplaced it. 🙂



  233.  #233Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Next time you go on a cd date. you pay, you woo, you take the entire responsibility of a man. Put yourself in those shoes. Tell him to date other woman even though you may care for him. Tell him you want to be put on a list of cd’ing and that you’ll take your chances. Tell him to sit back, relax, you’ll do all the giving, the work just to show him you care. Tell him, to tell you, “SLV, I’ve got dates all lined out, hope you care for me because you got your work cut out. Good luck.”

    I would do it! I would do it and I Have!

    And again in an instant (but it wouldn’t work). It feels great tho!

    Yes ! I feel fulfilled 🙂



  234.  #234Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Wouldn’t work… With a man i meant. Yum to it not working,
    Cuz I did it like a pro.

    So I had to discover my femininity. Yay!

    Joy to everybody 🙂



  235.  #235Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Totally seeing how guywhohadababy took the masculine role… And that’s what felt so good

    Wanted to have givene everything but

    I was afraid to have a vision of relationship

    Mmm.

    Now I have my vision … :).

    I can inspire :).



  236.  #236Jim on January 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    217: Brenda,
    Hey You!!

    Thanks. it’s all good!!
    Jim



  237.  #237Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Soft soft soft joy joy joy 🙂



  238.  #238Daria on January 9, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    I’m thinking that in the past, my last cd would have triggered me, because he asked me that nite to borrow money several times.

    But because I’m so into my feminine all of that flies around my energy without triggering and I’m just like lol of course not baby I don’t want to be teased.

    And. I don’t want to and Aldo I don’t have any

    And it’s all untriggered! Si his ‘mistakes’ go past wout causing damage because I’m open and soft.

    And I even captivated his friend who didn’t want to leave me, And accepted his friends attention when they felt good. 🙂

    Feeling lovely in me 🙂



  239.  #239LonePlum on January 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    I feel curious to see if we’ll observe on this very blog the metamorphosis of a moaning unable little boy into a proud happy capable man.

    Lol
    Stay tune… we never know

    xxx



  240.  #240Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    LP I’m just not sure I have the wherewithal to tolerate his growing pains, lol.



  241.  #241Jim on January 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Sweepea,

    In response to your question yesterday.

    “It could be to keep from being co-dependent. Mostly it’s because lots of us on here tend to get too wrapped up ina man and push him completely out of our lives by putting too much pressure on him by calling, texting, cooking, too much of everything. It’s to take our focus off of doing things to win over the man and letting him woo us. To practice receiving from the man instead of giving everything of ourselves and being in “masculine” giving energy and then resenting him because he sits back and let’s us do the work, or him resenting us because we don’t le him do anything himself. Make sense?”

    Your comment is full of insight, Thanks and yes it makes sense. If I were to have made the above comment, It would lead me to more questions & comments with myself, such as,

    Resentment & contempt, very good places to deal with. It is my belief, unchecked resentments cause contempt and contemptuous feelings are generally what get acted upon and acted out. Of course causing, perhaps in many cases, the same in return. Most from what? Expectations not fulfilled. Those expectations are from 2 places. One, a need for love, caring, affection and attention and the other which seems to roll in with. An attempt to manipulate to get the same, love, caring, affection and attention one needs. Which is tit for tat, so to speak.

    I’ve had my heart blistered, stomped on and handed to me in the dirt for the very reasons stated above. Now I am wise. Hopefully not so much that I can’t love again. (Actually, I said that far all) In fact, I’m ok with it all now. Grief is over and I’m ready to get back on the proverbial horse again. Though, like I said, This time with wisdom.

    My being here in this particular blog, illuminates the very controversies, the issues, to me, that is inherent in our society and myself. Though here, I see, for the most part, women dealing with these issues at an intimate level with themselves and their world.

    If a man is out of kilter with himself, upon reading this blog at times. Depending on his maturity and life experience, he may very well go insane. (Kidding) So, like I said, this blog it a great illuminator. Like women, one must choose a suitable partner, lover, mate, what have you. So that they can at least take as much risk for potential failure out of their future’s as they possibly can. Meanwhile hooking up with hopefully, the one.

    That’s why I say, Being Mr. or Miss Right is the first prerequisite.

    It’s all really a matter of telling one the truth about themselves and even more importantly, understanding their own intent.

    Jim



  242.  #242Jim on January 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    233 & 234: loneplum & Nancy,

    If you are referring to me, you can use my name.

    Jim



  243.  #243Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    @226: Jim says:

    “…So how about if the video was turned around and the guy farted in the woman’s face and I sent it to you with the inherent messages enclosed? Would you have thought it as funny? Hmm….?”

    What if it were? It would still find it as rude as it was when a male colleague showed it to a bunch of us, men and women.

    I was following *your* lead on what *you* like. This is how you introduced yourself and responded on the Rori blog:

    115: Jim says:
    “Ladies,
    Allow me to introduce myself, God Jim… Welcome to my world and glad to be in yours…”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 6:56pm

    142: Jim says:
    “Daria,
    [b]I like aggressive women and I like being aggressive. I don’t think a woman being aggressive is masculine.[/b]”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 8:14pm

    175: Jilly says:
    “ya Jim…I was hoping you’d have some new insight to Daria’s questions about what an aggressive “feminine” woman would ‘be’
    like? as opposed to just “aggressive”???
    I’ve heard other men say they like aggressive woman too and they are aggressive men themselves…I don’t understand this…”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 9:53pm

    177: Jim says:
    “Jilly,
    [b]Ok, hows this. When she farts in my face, now thats my kind of aggression…[/b]”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 10:05pm

    I don’t know what or how many other “inherent messages” you perceived in my post; you did not mention them. You simply name-called me.

    Did you think you were being “dogged?” No, Jim. It’s not my “usual style” to dog men. That “fart” thing was *your* bit of business; I’d mentioned it before: “he’s back with farts.”

    If you don’t like it said to you; maybe not say it to us either, as a stranger the first day you arrive, especially when asked a question in earnest.

    SLV



  244.  #244Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    @226: Jim says:

    “…So how about if the video was turned around and the guy farted in the woman’s face and I sent it to you with the inherent messages enclosed? Would you have thought it as funny? Hmm….?”

    What if it were? It would still find it as rude as it was when a male colleague showed it to a bunch of us, men and women.

    I was following *your* lead on what *you* like. This is how you introduced yourself and responded on the Rori blog:

    115: Jim says:
    “Ladies,
    Allow me to introduce myself, God Jim… Welcome to my world and glad to be in yours…”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 6:56pm

    142: Jim says:
    “Daria,
    I like aggressive women and I like being aggressive. I don’t think a woman being aggressive is masculine.
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 8:14pm

    175: Jilly says:
    “ya Jim…I was hoping you’d have some new insight to Daria’s questions about what an aggressive “feminine” woman would ‘be’
    like? as opposed to just “aggressive”???
    I’ve heard other men say they like aggressive woman too and they are aggressive men themselves…I don’t understand this…”
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 9:53pm

    177: Jim says:
    “Jilly,
    Ok, hows this. When she farts in my face, now thats my kind of aggression…
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 10:05pm

    I don’t know what or how many other “inherent messages” you perceived in my post; you did not mention them. You simply name-called me.

    Did you think you were being “dogged?” No, Jim. It’s not my “usual style” to dog men. That “fart” thing was *your* bit of business; I’d mentioned it before: “he’s back with farts.”

    If you don’t like it said to you; maybe not say it to us either, as a stranger the first day you arrive, especially when asked a question in earnest.

    SLV



  245.  #245Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Serendipity strikes again. I was looking for Jim’s OP to Rori but only saw it via Daria.

    Lo, and behold, in passing I saw some really good Rori posts in the “Dating” category. Really exciting stuff; I’ll take time to go through them all.

    Thank you, Rori.

    There’s a gold mine over there in the Dating Category! Truly exciting stuff.

    I urge everyone to go take a look!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  246.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    a microscopic snippet from…

    ” ‘I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book.’: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating.”
    by Evan Marc Katz copyright 2003 Evan Marc Katz

    [these were found on partial page of a 174 pg book including index]

    Sort of a ramping up of profile descriptions from OK, better, to really good…

    This is just one small topic; there’s lots more of everything about online dating and I’m still reading it.

    It’s for women and men (in case there are any, ahem, men on the blog right now.) As you know EMK is not Rori, they differ in many ways, but I believe they respect each other and I learn from both of them.

    EMK:

    ZZZZZZZ
    I like animals.

    HMMM…INTERESTING
    I absolutely love my dog.

    HEY,WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?
    My golden retriever, Tobi, can bark in four different languages, which is remarkable since I only taught her three of them.
    ——————–
    ZZZZZZZ
    I’m romantic

    HMMM…INTERESTING
    I love candlelight dinners

    HEY, WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?
    I’m the kind of guy who will surprise you on a random Wednesday with my special chicken Kiev, rosemary potatoes, a bottle of Chardonnay, and, if you’re lucky, some Ben &Jerry’s Phish Food for dessert.
    ——————–
    ZZZZZZZ
    I like sports.

    HMMM…INTERESTING
    I’m huge football fan.

    HEY, WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER
    My Dad and I have had Steelers season tickets on the forty-yard line ever since Terry Bradshaw had a full head of hair.
    ———————
    ZZZZZZZ
    I’m sophisticated.

    HMMM…INTERESTING
    I enjoy a variety of cultural events.

    HEY, WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER
    Whether it’s Shakespeare In the Park, a Jackson Pollack exhibit, or a limited release French film, I tend to be the first in line and the last to leave.
    ———————

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  247.  #247Jim on January 9, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    238 & 239 SVL

    Your a woman at war.

    I understand your intent via your contempt. You have the homework above to show it and are willing to take on more. By all means, enjoy yourself.

    Jim



  248.  #248LonePlum on January 9, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Jim 16 + 236 and whatever number

    Did you recognize yourself into such description?
    Is it lucidity or low self esteem?
    😉
    lol

    I feel amused that you should think we need to be explained the old pattern
    looooool
    Be sure whatever you said has already been said by millions people before you, out of this blog
    The matter is not whether you are right or not within your schema.
    The matter is we are trying something different here.
    And I personally can’t bother being dragged back into old patterns.
    Not when I log on here.

    I suggest you read Rori’s blog all around.
    It will save sirens from explaining what you should have read yourself
    Sirens are supposed to lean back, not to do your own work.
    I am sure you will get something from reading several blogs here. Give it a real try.

    And drop the condescending “know it all” tone. The persons you are calling kids are grown up women.
    Have respect for yourself, by respecting ladies.

    Stop also the old pattern negative suspicious blaming mentality. And stop the old pattern gossips.
    Sirens were not trying to make sirens feel worse on purpose.
    Sirens were not having a pummel parade or whatever you called it.
    They were sincerely working on feelings and getting unstuck and it was a success.
    At least two of them enjoyed a huge progress.

    Sirens share, exchange, trigger each other and it is for the best. To get closer to our truth.
    If you want to GOSSIP about others’ fights, why don’t you go and comment physical wars with physical deaths organized by male brains?

    He?

    And come back write a fun post about fatal pummel parades. Tell us how they jump on band wagons and how many real persons get really killed each time.

    He?


    Never mind



  249.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    @241: Jim

    If you are not man enough to see your error and apologize, too bad. You understand very little and you’ll have to dig your own way out.

    You don’t agree with Rori and probably haven’t read too many of her posts. I suppose you are here to create trouble and trigger us, so be it.

    BTW
    Regarding your take on “triggering” this is what you wrote to us the same day…

    172: Jim says:
    “To all,

    BTW, I’m not taking up for her, any more than I would anyone else here. So put that in your triggers…
    Sunday, 26 December 2010 @ 9:35pm

    You don’t take the blog seriously. We have fun but it’s serious business and I believe all of us want to feel safe here.

    I have a full schedule and a lot of reading to do; I’ve moved on.

    SLV



  250.  #250Jim on January 9, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    242: loneplum

    I’m feeling triggered here ladies…! 🙂

    “If you want to GOSSIP about others’ fights, why don’t you go and comment physical wars with physical deaths organized by male brains?”

    That is a very fair comment and I do. When I’m here or there. if, in my travels across blogs. I do just that. By all means. “physical deaths organized by male brains.” This is indeed sad, and I’m not making fun here. There is way way too much of that in this world.

    As for gossip? I thought initially SVL & I were just having some witty fun. She got triggered as you would put it or I inadvertently pushed a button. I don’t recall calling her names or gossiping, for that matter and there was no malice intended on my part. But oh well. Yes, I do have a way of poking fun. But did you and haven’t you just dogged men by the comment above? Of course I wouldn’t really call an accurate description dogging.

    Also, I could swear I was initially welcomed here with the knowledge that I was going to be practiced with. So if I trigger any of you. Well, there you have it, more for you to work on… with yourself.

    BTW, When I said aggressive women, I think I defined that later as assertive.

    Read my entire comments and if you have questions as to my intent. I will answer, if I don’t forget or get side tracked.

    Jim



  251.  #251Jim on January 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    243: SVL

    Ok, I humbly offer you and every woman on this site my apologies.

    If I hurt yours or any ones feelings, I’m sorry.

    BUT, It isn’t that I disagree with Rori’s program. Though I do see a lot of room in acceptable behavior for problems between men and women, not to mention with one’s self.

    The cd’ing? I’m not asking you to agree with me. BUT, this is or can be construed by some or many as very controversial. Yes or no or your opinion or not.

    Jim



  252.  #252Jim on January 9, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    SVL,

    BTW, I haven’t read a lot of post, Heck, I have trouble keeping up with the ones I involve myself in much less archives…

    So I’m no doubt going to step in hot water here and there. How you people react to some of my comments are your right.

    And some of my comments use humor to tackle an issue that I see most of you dealing with on a steady basis here.

    In your presence you have a man that’s not running from any, most or all of you. You were thrown the bait and you bit. Now that you’ve swallowed, you tell me what it would be like if your behavior was turned around on you…?

    I’ve seen a lot of distaste for me. I’ve seen anger, I think. But no one has answered the question I have posed to all. I see a lot of justification going on. But thats only one sided, your side. Without real concern for the object of your program, the cd.

    How would you like it if it were used on you in the context you use it yourselves. Also, Daria’s answer touched on it? If that’s all I get, then so be it.

    Jim



  253.  #253Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    @Jim

    OK, I’m between Rori posts. Fire away. I’m not sure which question you mean. Guessing now… do you mean by that “advice” hahaha what if man told me he didn’t want to be a bf?

    I have to go back and look at your post, it *was* kind of jumbled…

    SLV



  254.  #254Luzydel on January 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    I Am feeling frustrated maybe it is PMS, but a guy I was getting to know and seem to be nice, got mad because I am using POF even though I met him at POF.

    He just stopped the chat and never said what happened, He just felt bad because I was still on POF. I have not met the guy face to face yet and he acts like that? I am not dating for a while I keep meeting frogs even when I am open and being positive, still meet these guys that UGH!

    I need a break I don’t want to date for now I feel frustrated haven’t me anyone interesting on that site and before I stop dating altogether, I am just going to take a deep breath and a long break.

    I Hate men today, 🙁



  255.  #255Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    SLV, You alright chicka? What’s going on? I feel surprised and concerned. Any ideas what started this for you (not Jim but what triggered you so strongly)?

    P.S. It’s about to snow like crazy here. I’m going to be knitting a scarf or a hat. Reminded me of you.

    Sending love and hugs your way.



  256.  #256Nancy on January 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    SLV, thanks for posting 240. I like it.

    Luzydel, I hear ya. I like to take a break every couple of days. Online dating frequently makes me feel depressed. Just staying away from the sites for 24 hours every couple of days makes me feel better. I’m so excited about The List, that I’m gonna mention it again… it helps me cut down on the negative experiences and if I have one, it’s very short lived. It makes it all feel more manageable and palatable.

    I feel so tired. Nitey nite Sirens.



  257.  #257Soul Sista on January 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Nancy what is the list?



  258.  #258Lori on January 9, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Nancy,

    RE #202. Thanks so much for the sweet compliment-it made me feel good and smile to myself. I’m not sure how to turn the description of myself into feeling messages though. Any ideas?



  259.  #259Jim on January 9, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    SLV,
    Sorry, I was away when you posted.

    Ok, First let see if I’ve got this right? When a woman cd’s she dating multiple men simultaneously, ideally only having sexual relations with one, some by this blog have multiple sex partners simultaneously. She also lets each man know, she’s dating others.

    So, in my idea world, which of course this isn’t all the time. If this woman says this to any one of the men and he doesn’t like it. The woman pretty much has an oh well attitude. Ok so far?

    Turn this around, if a man you really care for says the same thing to you and you don’t like it. Well, here it is, the criteria i would like an answer within.

    So, you don’t like it and you like the man. Enough to want to stick around but there’s this one problem. He’s dating other women. This leaves you with the insecurity of knowing he could be having sexual relations with any other or more.

    Yes, I am in a safe place here at the blog with some anonymity. So what if I started cd’ing? How would I communicate to each of my women that this is ok, not to worry. Of course, without looking like a player. Which I am not, in any way whatsoever.

    Also. One must look at one’s own intent and then hopefully, if their intent is sincere, hopefully they can communicate this to their assorted cd’s.

    To me this is very tricky ground. almost in some ways like walking down a dark alley at night by one’s self intentionally. The world sees things, by in large one way, then there is the sirens with their method.

    My point in all. Everybody counts. Everybody. The old saying it takes all parts of the circle to make it whole, so to speak.

    Conflict resolution with any issue between men and women, I believe is key. NOTE: I could have just as easily dumped all over this blog, instead by my staying. I’m saying, Ok, I see, well what about this or that. Depending on how I’m responded to shows not only the people’s intents inherent within their own psychs but also how they deal with the men and issues in their lives. Everybody counts.

    p.s. If it is any consolation to you and everyone here. I’m sad and happy to say men could use a whole lot of what you ladies are doing with yourselves. That is not a compliment, just an observation of my view of men in generally or at least a large percentage I’ve known.

    Jim

    Jim



  260.  #260Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Jim, thank you for sticking with us here. I appreciate a man who can take what I dish out and still stay. I feel safer knowing he’ll stay no matter what I say or do. Yum yum yum. Feels delicious and safe believing my man will do this for me.

    I don’t want to argue with you but I feel happy to discuss this with you. I feel interested in your thoughts.

    I don’t want to be a girlfriend. I want to be a wife. It feels better to keep my options open until a man steps up and claims me as his wife.

    Besides all this talk of other women feels bad. I don’t want to talk about other women when I’m with you. What do you think?



  261.  #261Daria on January 9, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Jim – it feels weird to even talk about this… hehe

    for me, i don’t want to date one man exclusively… i’m looking for marriage… and i feel comfortable getting to know a man through dating…

    i don’t like hearing about other women (so really i don’t know or concern myself to discover if a man is dating other women or not)

    at some point if a guy were getting close to me and ready to propose, then i would feel bad to hear he is still dating others – this is when the situation might come up where I would drop him even though I would still be dating others …

    because at this point he is trying to prove to me that i should marry him – Wooing… he has already decided and is saying im his one for life… and doing what he thinks he should do to show me that i would want to spend my life with him

    but otherwise i pretty much ASSUME he’s dating others… i assume guys who claim they have a gf are at least interested in other women too

    for me, unless they are married and truly committed

    men are usually out willing to meet beautiful women… 🙂



  262.  #262Nikita on January 9, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Happy New Year 🙂

    video from Carolyn Myss…..who wrote “Anatomy of the Spirit” and “Why People don’t Heal”.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXlnwEB1uJA&feature=related



  263.  #263Jacqueline on January 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    OMG….I’m gone for two weeks and my name is still on the subject/topic post? Wow – I feel so weird about that. How in the world can someone take something I said and basically wish I were gone and dead?!!! (well that rhymes and it’s a play on Dixie Chicks I aint ready to make nice….)

    Hi, SLV and Sweetpea

    and Rosa! Wow you were awesome in your taking up for Brenda being discussed in the third person, and I was gonna abolutely lose it if I hadn’t actually heard from Brenda – who did what my friend and I call “the guy thing….” and acted like it never happened.

    KUDDOS BRENDA! BRAVA!

    And, imo, what we put out comes back to us – so if we put out goodness there’s not a need to be “hard,” inside or outside. But we do get defensive – and it might feel good to say I hate you….

    but it comes back kind of in the way Rori talked about it – as I hate ME. Interesting….

    alot of times I feel I can tell what I get back by what the world shows me – all the people who smile at me, give me a hug, thank me, etc.

    Here, where we are in the realm of feelings….it never works that way, which has always blown my mind.

    So, was just popping in for a quick hello and was ensnared in the convo….

    but hey, HELLO, everyone!

    J



  264.  #264Daria on January 9, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Jim – if you want to date (i wouldn’t recommend to “circular” date like a girl, but maybe “hunter date” like a man) multiple women

    I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO!!

    the idea is that you, as a man, will recognize almost right away a woman that you might be interested in for more – ie maybe for a wife

    and it doesn’t have to be every girl you date

    so if I were you I would say to women “I find you so attractive, and I would love to see where this goes and get to know you better”

    if she’s wanting to be exclusive and you don’t see her as The one,

    then say to her

    “i find you really attractive, and I’m not ready to make a commitment right now, I would love to spend more time with you to see where this goes”

    this is the truth – you don’t know if she’ll read Rori’s book and suddenly SPARKLE with attractiveness that says to you… I want this woman as my wife

    when you meet that woman that makes you think and feel “I want this woman as my wife”

    you will naturally be less interested in dating others, and will stop alltogether *after you’ve healed your own emotional fears of intimacy*

    so no worries

    DATE please! practice! turn women on! hehe

    I appreciate that in a man 😉



  265.  #265Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    I want to burn this assumption into my brain…

    “but otherwise i pretty much ASSUME he’s dating others… i assume guys who claim they have a gf are at least interested in other women too

    for me, unless they are married and truly committed”

    Yup yup. Not in a fearful way but in a “open my eyes to the truth” kind of way. This is EXACTLY how it is. Woohoo. Thanks Daria! That feels good to read.

    Information download is complete. I got this!



  266.  #266Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    @Jim

    1)”Next time you go on a cd date. you pay, you woo, you take the entire responsibility of a man. Put yourself in those shoes.

    2)Tell him to date other woman even though you may care for him.

    3)Tell him you want to be put on a list of cd’ing and that you’ll take your chances.

    4)Tell him to sit back, relax, you’ll do all the giving, the work just to show him you care.

    5)Tell him, to tell you, “SLV, I’ve got dates all lined out, hope you care for me because you got your work cut out. Good luck.”

    IMHO, Jim, there are some snags with your examples. This is not a turnabout, except for step one. There are four “tell him” there. This doesn’t happen, a man would not be telling me so if turned around I would not be telling him.

    The “tell him to tell you” construction or vice versa is a little awkward.

    However things might go like this in the usual way, before your “hypothetical reverse.”

    1) Men choose who they wish to invite, women don’t do the choosing. He invites, he arranges and pays for the date indicating his desire to pursue the attention of the woman (me!)

    2)If I am meeting men and getting to know them I would be doing it on my own I would not have a man telling me — “…date other men even though I may care for you. ”

    Is he saying “will you marry me?” I thought not. And even if he were, why would decide before I am ready?

    Men do the choosing; it’s not fair to a woman to remove her from “circulation” while he’s looking her over, making up his mind and then putting her back. Do you think it is?

    3) I would not have a man telling me that he wants to be put on a list of CD (there is no list of CD) and he’ll take his chances. I also would not tell him “you’re on a list, take your chance.”

    Why would I? And why would any man think I am a not a chance but a “sure thing” whatever that means?

    4) There would be no man telling me to sit back, relax, he’ll do all the giving, the work just to show me he cares. (Did you ever say this to a woman?)

    I expect a man does what he wants to *do.* I’d pay attention to what he does, not what he says. I hope he’d do what it takes to make me happy, that my happiness had some value to him, that he’d let me know that, never forget that and want me to feel safe and protected with that.

    In turn, I might do things to make him happy too. In my specific case, I’m not exactly the feminine type, I probably would, so I guess I’ll be under attack.

    I’d be in danger because generally speaking men lose attraction when women show love to them. They hate it worse than snake bite. Haven’t you been reading the blog posts!

    5) I would not tell a man “I’ve got dates all lined out, hope you care for me because you got your work cut out. Good luck.” (That sounds sarcastic, doesn’t it?)

    I’d just be living my life, keeping myself happy, not pressuring any man to experience anything that he might hate worse than snake bite.

    I’d also be keeping my relationships in perspective and not getting obsessed and invested in a guy who doesn’t know what he wants to do with me.

    I think that’s only fair to both of us and especially fair to me who has the added risk of biological attachment.

    Yeah, I care about my feelings and what happens to me in my life. Many men do not have a clue! Not…a…clue! Just want their cake and eat it too. No dogging intended.

    And some men even want to be able to choose the woman and then have the women pay for it.

    SLV



  267.  #267Jim on January 9, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    254 Simply Shannon,

    Follow me here…

    I want to get to know you. Whatever you want to talk about is ok by me and I will discuss whatever your topic.

    At any given time one or the other of us may find ourselves needy. It’s best if both of us tend to the other’s neediness, even if we’re being manipulative.

    So, I’m feeling very insecure you are dating other men or women. To say you don’t want to talk about it just incites me into thinking, your a player. How can I trust now.

    Now that you’ve told me you not only going to date others, but that your going to continue. Not to mention you don’t want to talk about it now.

    Shannon, above is the scenerio. Say, i’m the guy or the gal or you are. How in the world can one justify.

    Rori’s situation, she knew this man for 20 years or 12 years, don’t remember which. But she knew him and I’m sure very well. They we’re secure with one another already and if they became insecure, one or the other knew emotionally how to tend to the other feelings automatically. I would guess?

    Jim



  268.  #268Jacqueline on January 9, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    I feel competent, capable, strong, empowered, ethical, happily in integrity with myself, ready to set sail on a new wind and ready for CHANGE in my world.

    Today. Tomorrow, I might loose my course – but emotions are fleeting – so I will remember that the above feelings are those that right action and on purpose committment bring, and seek them again and again.

    I was reding excerpts from stumbling on happiness again and it was about how people cannot know or tell – statistically what or how happy they will feel when the “real” thing happens….like having a child.

    Lots of interesting comments on this on Amazon, but the suggestion was find someone who has done what it is you want to do, and see if it made them happy.

    That would be cool on the blog – so, say, someone gets trapped, tripped up and involved with a married man who leaves his wife for her??….they could come to me and hear my story.

    It plays out kind of into ludicrousness – like if I find someone who likes BDSM and then assume I will too…

    but it points to such a real and valid idea.

    That we communicate, that we listen, that we find people who are doing what we want to do and how do they feel about it?

    Love the idea, and I guess it’s one of the reasons I like all of us being here!

    Star light and star bright,
    Jacqueline



  269.  #269Daria on January 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    “men lose attraction when women show love to them. They hate it worse than snake bite. Haven’t you been reading the blog posts!”

    omgoodness NO! this is jsut a fear based BELIEF

    shoo belief SHOO!!

    MEN LOVE WHEN WOMEN SHOW LOVE TO THEM …. LIKE A WOMAN!!!

    smiling while looking in their eyes, responding softly to their touch, speaking to them in a gentle non-directing tone, saying thank you, sharing truthful stuff, accepting their support, encouraging them in their interests, looking at them as powerful men

    are some of these ways

    they LOVE THIS so much!!



  270.  #270Jacqueline on January 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    Hiya Jim – so I hear you saying that you’d be more into natural selection – like if and when someone liked you enough, and it was mutual, the time together would be an investment that maybe got them both somewhere? That’s good….

    And Rori’s circular dating can be simply smiling at a man at the grocery – saying I’m going to continue to date is a woman saying, I’m going to be open to allowing all sorts of people and experiences into my life – NOT I’ve got a list and I’m checking it twice, although that’s how I hear it a lot here. lol…

    I think that a certain amount of time invested by each party to see if you move toward a mutually agreeable goal is a good thing…

    and I of course feel strongly that people will do what they will do – married, girlfriended or whatever.

    So, no matter what the dialogue is….it’s the coming closer together or not that is the result,

    what do you think?

    J



  271.  #271Daria on January 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    things I *DO* to make my man happy because even though i wasn’t the “feminine type” for most of my life –

    (and it triggers me to hear others say it becuase i feel scared thinking of MY resistance to stuff that would feel good… and i forgive myself and forgive the person that triggered me…)

    and i’ve now practiced and practiced and I AM! the –

    are:

    tell him: “i miss you!” , “it feels so good to hear from you”

    softly saying “Hi… :)”

    putting happy faces becuase I’m really actually smiling in my communication

    saying : “i’m sure whatever you decide would feel great” when i mean it… practicing by getting curious about what he comes up with

    saying: “i believe in you” when he tells me he means to do something – and MEANING it, even if my “past failure experience NV’s” are trying to down his goals –

    and saying” ohh that feels scary” if these NV’s are particularly strong…

    NOT ATTACKING HIM

    NOT DIRECTING HIM

    NOT LETTING HIM “get away” WITH MAKING ME FEEL BAD without my sharing how I feel – because this helps him heal his past patterns

    RESPECTING THAT HE’S DIFFERENT – he may LIKE “work”, he may like “pushing himself” he may like “competing”, he may like “making money”, he may like “being the best”

    ALLOWING HIM : TO KISS ME

    TO TOUCH ME

    TO KNOW ABOUT ME

    as much as I feel comfortable with in the moment – but not LESS because of artificial reasons

    RELAXING AND BEING HAPPY in front of him 🙂



  272.  #272Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    Jim,

    What Daria said is also what I believe. I assume that until a man wants to make a formal commitment with me that both he and I are dating other people. The men who have tried to “take me off the market” when they weren’t able to offer me a commitment were just acting selfishly. I actually had a man who was long separated but not even finally divorced yet and by his own admission not ready for another commitment get upset with me for not agreeing to be exclusive with him! How is that fair to me?

    Many, many men expect exclusivity and commitment from women on THEIR terms-for as long as they want or as often as they want until they decide if they want to marry us or not. I spent the last ten years of my life in one or 2 year exclusive relationships while the man tried to decide what he wanted to do with me long term. Like it or not, the man generally still has the power in that he is usually the one who decides if the relationship is heading towards marriage or not. These tools-not games-we are learning here help us to deal with this lack of power by making us realize we have our own power-the power to not let the wrong men use us or waste our time.

    I feel like what you are missing here is the complete honesty involved. None of us are playing games here, we’re all flat out telling the men what we want and being upfront about dating other men if they’re not able to give us that or aren’t in the same place we are. You talk about reversing the situation, and I can tell you that if more men were this upfront and honest rather than disappearing, being non communicative, wishy washy etc, we wouldn’t need these tools. These tools are to help us while we deal with the issues we have in communicating with the men we fall for.

    And finally, your argument would be better served if we were all dealing with healthy, nice guys who were honest and open to real committed relationships. But many of us, myself included, have fallen prey to less than healthy men who certainly haven’t had our interests in mind. We are not learning how to play games with good men here, we are learning how to keep bad men from playing games with us…



  273.  #273Daria on January 9, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Jim –

    “So, I’m feeling very insecure you are dating other men or women. To say you don’t want to talk about it just incites me into thinking, your a player. How can I trust now.”

    Here is the *emotional issue that needs healing* – the insecurity, is NOT a must

    when you first meet a beautiful woman, say she’s surrounded by 5 men, but you want to talk to her too, and become the 6th one, and she likes you, so you get her number

    there is nothing to TRUST! there is only “winning her over”

    that just keeps going on until you know she’s the one you want to marry

    it only will work for a woma you REALLY REALLY want

    a woman you KNOW can tell from knowing her, that she’s worth it, that she WOULD be trustworthy, because she’s always behaving with integrity

    she’s a woman you ALREAYD KNOW YOU WANT … for marriage

    that’s the key center focus here… marriage

    CDing only leaves in play the guys that already KNOW they want this particular woman for marriage

    all the other guys eventually leave



  274.  #274Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Jim,

    One more thing. “Nice” guys are always complaining that they “finish last” and that the bad boys always get the girls. We women are actively trying to change that. Learning to spot the bad boys and stay away so that we can keep ourselves open for the nice guys to come. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing for anyone except the bad boys… : )



  275.  #275Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Daria wrote:

    “CDing only leaves in play the guys that already KNOW they want this particular woman for marriage

    all the other guys eventually leave”

    Bingo. CDing just weeds out the guys who are only looking for sex or those willing to wait for sex but not willing or able to commit.



  276.  #276Jacqueline on January 9, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Ooooooh! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!!! Dear Brenda! Happy birthday to you!

    A little birdie told me….and many more!

    Now if I could do the things SLV does….

    I’d make a cake of a different color and offer everyone whatever flavor they wanted.

    And maybe a balloon bouquet, a dozen white roses with a hot pink ribbon, and a very nice, plush pair of soft and comfy houseshoes….

    And dreams to come true, to come home to!!

    Love,
    J



  277.  #277Jacqueline on January 9, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Oh, SLV – I have no idea if you make cake, hee….I meant the emotocon thingys…

    night, all…



  278.  #278Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Hey Jim! It feels good to be talking with you.

    I feel surprised hearing that you feel insecure. Thank you for sharing that with me. What should we do?

    I feel really good when I’m with you. I feel open to dating you but I don’t want to be a girlfriend. I feel better dating until there’s a serious commitment on the table.

    What do you think?



  279.  #279Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    i get so lonely,
    all by myseeeelllllff
    thanks celine dion



  280.  #280Nikita on January 9, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Good Night,

    Caroline Myss….the beginning feels right to share here….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oab_6yI3a7I&NR=1

    How we can leak energy from our third chakra into others……(approval seeking/manipulating)

    ….and to nurture our relationship with our self and maintain honor with our spirit………..



  281.  #281Lori on January 9, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Shannon,

    EXACTLY!



  282.  #282Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Nikita’s back! Saaaawwwweeeet! 😉



  283.  #283Dorothea on January 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    is that nikita the nikita show?
    where has she been



  284.  #284Jim on January 9, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    260: SLV

    The whole idea is to answer the hypothetical from a position of being within the parameters stated. You taking on how I’ve regulated you to act. Not to be confused or compared with reality though it has it’s own reality, atmosphere, environment, so to speak.

    I suppose the whole idea is to get you to understand, probably bad or worse case scenario what it’s like to be approached with this from a man’s (one of many possible) reactions.

    You make good points that as a man and having witnessed men and my own behavior through my life at times. Your perception may be justified and may be correct in some cases, depending on many variables.

    “In turn, I might do things to make him happy too. In my specific case, I’m not exactly the feminine type, I probably would, so I guess I’ll be under attack.”

    Hmm…? I might do things to make him happy. Honestly, I suggest, if you love him, what comes to you in the way of how you feel compelled to express that love would be appropriate. Anyway, that’s what I do. I find I would like my affections received without consequence.

    Both expressing their love for the other… I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman taking her man on a date and paying. Not all the time of course and this comment is not to be taken out of context. If this is how she feels at one point or another, then by all means. It is not the standard.

    #4 (Did you ever say this to a woman?) I’m glad you asked. No, but I would like to.

    “I’d be in danger because generally speaking men lose attraction when women show love to them. They hate it worse than snake bite. Haven’t you been reading the blog posts!”

    I sure missed that one. I personally like it when a woman shows love. Shows me she’s willing to express her love. Yes, I really did miss it and I’m hardly believing it to be true. But then, that’s just me. I will ask my friends. This one, if you are correct, is a wowy for me…

    “I’d also be keeping my relationships in perspective and not getting obsessed and invested in a guy who doesn’t know what he wants to do with me.”

    Good point.

    “Yeah, I care about my feelings and what happens to me in my life. Many men do not have a clue! Not…a…clue! Just want their cake and eat it too. No dogging intended.”

    Ok. Glad you said, “Many,” not all.

    “And some men even want to be able to choose the woman and then have the women pay for it.”

    Probably in more ways than one. My only response to this one is, “Get to know them as well as you can before you sleep with them.” This is my philosophy with women, believe it or not.

    Jim



  285.  #285Katnina on January 9, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Hi Nancy,
    here is how i deal when men give me their number and don’t ask for mine- if i am ok with them calling me, i reply with ‘thanks! this is my number, i’m usually free at XX time, and i look forward to hearing from you!’

    it’s the digital version of the advice i’ve heard many places: “if a man gives you his business card or a piece of paper with his number on it, write yours on the back and hand it back to him.”
    this puts the ball in his court to call you (and to court you!).

    PLUS when they give me their number first over email, i put them in my cell phone so i know who is calling when they do call!

    if they give me their number in a first email, i respond “i would feel more comfortable emailing with you before giving you my number, to see if we have anything in common.” if they dont respond, or are annoyed/try to push me to give them my number and i don’t feel comfortable, it’s their loss!

    i also use my cell phone to keep track of my CD’s- I put their age, what site i met them from, anything relevant from their profile or that we have emailed about (ie what their job is, what their pet is named, where they are from). then after dates I also put in any new info that i remember from them on the date- what we talked about, where they went to school, etc.
    it make it MUCH easier for me to keep track of them all this way!

    i recently read “Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned At Harvard Business School” (My sister checked it out of the library for me whe I was visiting her). the author has a lot of great tips about profile writing. she also suggests keeping a notebook for online dating, with printouts of the profile of each man you are in contact with, and jotting down relevant information, dates of each phone call and what you spoke about, and what was discussed & what you did on each date.

    i hope this helps!



  286.  #286LonePlum on January 9, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    Jim 244

    I feel confused, I don’t know what you are telling me about SLV.
    I am sure if you address her she’ll understand better what you want

    The gossip thing was about your post number 16
    But I moved on
    Never mind

    xxx



  287.  #287Jim on January 9, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    280: Loneplum

    I did address her and she respond.



  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    @Jim says:

    “I suppose the whole idea is to get you to understand, probably bad or worse case scenario what it’s like to be approached with this from a man’s (one of many possible) reactions.”

    Oh, I’ve got you. “What if a guy you really liked, told you he was seeing a bunch of other women?”

    Since the guy does the choosing, I’d know that he and I were not very far along in the relationship.

    And I’d be keeping myself happy and socializing with other men and women and maybe meeting some new men. I’d not let myself get too invested in something kinda iffy with the first guy but I’d enjoy his company too.

    And I’m prepared to live the rest of my life without a partner.

    SLV

    there’s more in response from your last post but it’s after 1:30 a.m. Good thing I can awaken when I please…
    Wheeeee, I love my life. 😛

    Bear in mind, each person, even the people on this blog, don’t all think exactly alike or do things in the same way.

    And if you read the posts especially from newcomers you will read sad tales from women who were very loving and men ran away, not newly dating couples of a few months but men in relationships of one, two, three years etc

    My observations didn’t jump into my head from outerspace, read and judge for yourself.

    😀



  289.  #289Jim on January 9, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    To all,

    I just read the last 20 posts. many responses to my questions regarding intent with cd’ing.

    Thank you, all very very good indeed…

    Call me curious to the intents that lay behind cd’ing.

    I also learned a lot here today. Ladies, SVL, thank you.

    Trust is wonderful…!!
    A fond good evening ladies,
    Jim



  290.  #290Girl on January 9, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Ugh, reading this feels like a dose of humble pie. My roommate barked at me the other night and I told her to shut the f up. She told me not to speak to her that way and I repeated for her to shut the f up. And then today she apologized and asked me to apologize as well. And I said I’m not sorry, and that I will certainly not speak to her that way again so long as she doesn’t bark at me, in which case, I assured her that I would aggressively disrespect her again. Now, I could certainly speak calmly with her about the hate that wells up in me when she speaks to me in a harsh tone, but in that moment I wanted to WIN!!!! And what about that. In the moment, if I feel attacked, am I really to keep calm and passive. That feels SO weak.
    Lately I feel defensive also because I feel scary energy from men often. Like the other night, at my friends’ house. these two men weren’t getting the hint that it was time for them to leave. In there presence, my friend and I began to speak in really shrill tones – we have since discussed it and agree that we felt nervous and uncomfortable. By speaking in loud voices we felt that we were emasculating these big sorta scary guys. I felt proud of myself for protecting us, but sad that being relaxed, vulnerable and sexy could have gotten us raped.



  291.  #291Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    I am the princess in a castle. No man wants me to climb down and save him. Not a man I want anyway. When I climb down and make his fight easier, he has nothing left to fight for anymore. No man wants this. Not in their real heart.

    Yes it feels easier for him and maybe even easier for me but it doesn’t feel good in the long term. It feels boring and not alive! This is why men and women all over the world wake up one morning and start living just to get through another day! The person they are with is just “eh”. Their life is just “eh”. Comfortable but BORING.

    The Cinderella story is burned into every little girl’s heart for a reason. It is not just a fairy tale.

    And ask a man if he wants to be William Wallace from Braveheart or that other guy.

    Any man worth his salt wants to FIGHT for his woman and has the confidence to do whatever it takes to claim her.

    I believe ALL men are capable of this. And ALL women are capable of allowing a man to capture them.

    I am DONE allowing a man to let go of his fight, of his life, of his strength.

    And I am most definitely DONE being the girl who contributes to the emasculation of men. I love them and ME too much.

    Sweet surrender. Bliss!



  292.  #292Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    @Nikita

    Hi!, missed you. The last post I read from you said you were angry; I’ve been thinking about you.
    I’m glad you’re here.

    @LonePlum
    You always say just the right thing. I’m studying languages now; I don’t think I’ll be as fluent as you. It scares me a little.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  293.  #293Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    @Jim
    283: Jim says:

    “Call me curious to the intents that lay behind cd’ing.”

    It’s just for women to open ourselves to living full happy lives and if possible find committed life partners.

    No tricks or schemes or fake stuff.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  294.  #294Simply Shannon on January 9, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Girl, I wonder if you are touching on a memory that needs to be healed. This is twice now that you’ve written about feeling scared around men. Maybe a memory is coming up that you are ready to face?

    Not even sure why I wrote those particular words but trusting myself and hitting submit.



  295.  #295Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    @272: SS

    I am going to bed but first, I’m taking your wise words. Thank you.

    Good night,

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  296.  #296Senior Lady Vibe on January 9, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    @288: Simply Shannon says:

    Girl, I wonder if you are touching on a memory that needs to be healed. This is twice now that you’ve written about feeling scared around men. ”

    @ Girl says:
    “…these two men weren’t getting the hint that it was time for them to leave…”

    Something is not right here if this has happened more than once!

    Are you young ladies in with the wrong crowd or in a not too nice neighborhood? Most guys you know well enough to be in your home should not be scary ones.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  297.  #297Meemee on January 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Sirens
    I am realizing healing is a very slow process. I dont feel anxious as I used to feel, when I come to office now.
    It feels weird, really strange when I see X in office. But I pass him and I go to my room and get back to my work.
    I had a nice weekend. I cooked an elaborate lunch and had guests too. My roommate is a web designer and she was helping my gym instructor to create a website. So they were working from home yesterday. I had another 2 female friends who came over for lunch. They all appreciated the food I cooked yesterday.
    My gym instructor is still flirting with me. He sent me a message last night saying he liked the food and that he thinks I am a very good cook. I feel good when people appreciate my cooking. I love cooking and I am passionate about it.
    I feel low at times. At times it hits me that whatever I had with X is over. What lies before me is unknown. I am preparing myself for the unknown.

    After I started working out, I am developing a liking for physically fit men. 🙂 🙂
    I like the body of my gym instructor. I like the body of all the men who work out with me. Next time I date a man this is going to be a criterion- someone who is physically fit too. And who has a desirable body. Who is strong. and who is tall.
    I like tall men.
    I might sound very stupid 🙂 🙂
    But it feels good to have some standards.
    Love you all
    Meemee



  298.  #298Rori Raye on January 9, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    Summerbaby – you’re doing great! Love, Rori



  299.  #299Rori Raye on January 9, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Mia – welcome, and re programs. They are all different – all with different imagery and Tools – and all building off the ebook and each other. You can’t go wrong in any order – as long as you listen or watch them over and over and over and over…so the Tools seep into you, and you begin to use and practice the ones that most “sing” to you. Many Tools help you with the same issue – but in different ways – so you can’t go wrong…The Siren “Rock” – the CB “Tree” are all about inner strength and boundaries…and “Bridging” in CB is a crucial – basic Tool to get into your heart and body…so you can use the Modern Siren Tools. Targeting is essential for Circular Dating – which will keep you sane and is the cure for most everything. Love, Rori



  300.  #300Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 12:42 am

    X came to my room today to ask “How are you doing?” and “are you still angry with me?”.
    Angry?
    Is this man mentally challenged.
    He told me what his scheme his- his scheme of secrecy. His scheme in which I appear only as an acquaintance. He shouted “take it or leave”
    I left
    Why this man absolutely can not imagine in his head that I left.
    That exit was an option.
    I am feeling bored and sick of this game!!!
    Meemee



  301.  #301Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Lori, re: 159

    Just food for thought here, my Dad says a man with facial hair is hiding something. He believes a man with high self esteem doesn’t need to hide behind facial hair.

    I’ve thought of it many times but can’t decide whether I believe it to be true.

    What do you think?



  302.  #302Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 1:55 am

    Daria,

    Love this:
    “But because I’m so into my feminine all of that flies around my energy without triggering and I’m just like lol of course not baby I don’t want to be teased.”

    What a fabulously soft, feminine thing to say. Awesome!



  303.  #303Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 1:56 am

    Jacqueline,

    Hey lady! What’s up? Still not doing a lot of posting on here but reading more lately.

    Sounds like you’ve been busy.



  304.  #304Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 2:47 am

    Jim,

    re: 240: Resentment & contempt, very good places to deal with. It is my belief, unchecked resentments cause contempt and contemptuous feelings are generally what get acted upon and acted out. Of course causing, perhaps in many cases, the same in return. Most from what? Expectations not fulfilled. Those expectations are from 2 places. One, a need for love, caring, affection and attention and the other which seems to roll in with. An attempt to manipulate to get the same, love, caring, affection and attention one needs. Which is tit for tat, so to speak.

    Expectations are also something else I’m trying to let go of. Can’t say I’m doing a great job of it, but I’m trying. I hope at some point, I will be able to let go of expectations and just be – be in the moment with a man. Manipulating for the same is much more ambiguous to me. I don’t see what I do as manipulating, however Rori points out that even calling or texting a man with an expected outcome is not good. She in fact, encourages us to not text or call at all if we can’t do it with absolutely no expected outcome. Having an expected outcome is a very subtle sort of manipulation for me although I’ve never seen myself as manipulative. But yes, I do see that when I don’t get the desired outcome, I do become resentful, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, etc. depending on the particular event.

    Hmm. So the answer is, to not text or call period. Unless I can say with a certainty that it’s just an innocent comment or call with no desired outcome on my part. Not even the desire of an answer or a response.

    As far as CDing goes, I’m not sure why you’re getting such adamant responses on here tonight. Many of us, including myself, have questioned CDing. For me, I’m with Daria, in that I think the reality of the situation is that the majority of men date more than one woman at a time. That’s been an idea I’ve been very resistant to most of my life, but I believe it’s the reality and I’m pulling my head out of the sand on this one.

    Also for me, I find that I’m resistant to CDing too deeply because I feel concerned about getting too hung up on a guy or because I’m just not really all that interested and he seems to be, or whatever other myriad of reasons. I tend to CD more by the 2 date idea, I guess. After a couple of dates I find that either the guy is getting way too serious too fast for me or he’s faded out. Except for the rare guy who really gets my attention, really pursues me, doesn’t leave me much time for other guys and then most recently, ends up ripping my heart out anyway.

    I don’t know how to do this. I’m a one-man-woman trying to find a way to keep from getting too attached too soon and ultimately hurt by a guy who just feels too pressured by the intensity of my emotions for him or probably more realistically in my case, my getting too freaked out by the intensity of my emotions for him and pushing him away out of fear. I’m pretty intense I guess. I love deeply and intensely and that intensity scares the crap out of me when I’m not sure where I stand with a guy. Because let’s face it, just because a guy tells me he loves me, his actions speak louder than words, right? So once he starts doing the pull back (generally because I have) I start freaking out. And it just gets ugly from there.

    Sometimes I get lucky and I don’t really fall for the guys who pursue me hard and then back off. Other times, like now, I’m not so lucky and I’m getting too damned old to keep doing this.

    My point being that the idea behind CDing, at least for me, is to let that flame do a slow burn so it doesn’t scare the crap out of me. Because that fear is what is at the root of my doing stupid crap in order to pull myself back from that fire before it burns me up.

    So far I’ve not done so well with it. I start out to CD and then I don’t. Twice this past year I ended up with guys who really stepped up and wanted to spend all their time with me. The first one I ended up feeling completely too smothered by and when he threw a fit because I asked for some space and insinuated it was over, I told him “Thank you for making that decision for me” and let him go. The most recent one I didn’t get so lucky with. Much more intense, and for me, a much bigger freak out. And now I’m the one hurting. He probably is too, but I don’t know what to do about it. I did start seeing other guys awhile back, but I was already too hung up on him by then so it really wasn’t all that effective.

    I don’t know if that explains CDing to you or not. But it’s the reason I know it should make sense to me.



  305.  #305Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 2:56 am

    Jim,

    Let me try this part again.

    In 303 I said: … The first one I ended up feeling completely too smothered by and when he threw a fit because I asked for some space and insinuated it was over, I told him “Thank you for making that decision for me” and let him go…

    What I mean is that I felt too smothered and asked for some space. He couldn’t give it to me and finally insinuated he was ending it. I thanked him for making the decision for me and let it go. It wasn’t hard for me at all.

    Funny thing here, is it reminds me of a story my Dad loved to tell about me. When I was a little girl, sometimes I’d be really upset when I saw a bunny run over in the road and would be almost in tears and say, “Oh. Poor fing.” Other times, I would see one and not say a thing, so my Dad would ask, “Did you see that rabbit?” I’d say “Yep.” and he’d ask, “well don’t you feel sorry for it?” I’d simply say, “Nope.” So maybe there’s no rhyme or reason as to whether a I feel hurt or not.



  306.  #306Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 4:00 am

    Sirens
    Today X tried to talk to me on two occasions. First he came to my room to ask whether I am still angry with him. Second, when I was smoking in the balcony he came and stood there for sometime looking at me. I stopped smoking and left immediately. He said ” Oh you are leaving because I am here. I will leave. you can stay here”. I did not stay. I left the scene.
    I do not know whether I am behaving silly. He looked at me as if I am behaving silly.
    How else do i behave when i come into contact with him?
    I am feeling really shaky after that incident.
    Any suggestion?
    Much love
    Meemee



  307.  #307Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 4:13 am

    It feels very weird. I feel very weird about such situations. But I can not find a better solution to situations like this. I can not make him disappear from the office. I can not avoid not meeting X in the office. But when he comes to me and when there is no one around, I try to leave the scene.
    I feel very very silly doing this.
    But I dont want to be with him for one minute. He will say something nasty. He will behave as if nothing happened. He will try to talk to me as if the entire episode of shouting and yelling did not happen at all.
    I feel so so helpless.
    I feel helpless that I can not avoid situations like this.
    I feel shaky everytime he tried to make a contact.
    I feel angry
    I feel rage when he does that
    I dont know what to do.
    I feel sad
    I am crying
    Meemee



  308.  #308Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 4:22 am

    Meemee,

    He may look at you like you’re being silly but you’re not. You’re doing what you have to do to be ok with you. You’re the only one who matters in this scenario.



  309.  #309SummerBaby on January 10, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Meemee,

    I am new here but I’ve been following your story for a while reading the blog (I finally posted at 72).

    My thought is, why is his opinion important? All that’s important here is how you feel. Behave any way necessary to salvage YOU.

    You are important enough to be acknowledged. If it were me, I would tell him that you heard his scheme and it’s just not a good fit for you at all. Then I would say something like I deserve to be seen, acknowledged and cared about openly. I feel any lack of that as complete disrespect. So yes, I will avoid you because being disrespected doesn’t feel good. Secrecy doesn’t feel good.

    I don’t think you’re being silly at all. He doesn’t deserve you.

    respectfully,
    summerbaby



  310.  #310Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 4:26 am

    RE: 307
    Sweetpea
    Thanks
    meemee



  311.  #311Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Aww Meemee,

    I wish I could give you better advice, but I don’t feel comfortable enough with Rori’s tools to give you advice on here.

    Summerbaby gave you some good advice if you want to talk to him, but I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with just getting away from him as soon as possible. Do you think you would feel better if you told him what you’re feeling in these situations? Or does it feel best to just get away from him?



  312.  #312Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 4:33 am

    re: 308
    Summerbaby
    Thank you
    I have exhausted all possible conversations. Last time we had a conversation he shouted to “cut the crap, cut this relation” if i am not willing to accept his scheme. did that. I left.
    But it hurts a lot when he comes to me again trying to talk to me, trying to be with me,trying to ask “mee, you are still angry with me?” and stuff like that.
    It hurts me a lot when he comes for a sweet talk. I was deeply wounded. I am healing. I am being gentle with myself. But when he behaves like this, it upsets me a lot. It upsets the composure I am gaining.
    It does not feel good.
    I dont want to talk to him. I will collapse if I have to talk to him one more time. the amount of humiliation i had to go through last time I talked to him was beyond what I could bear.
    It feels silly when i have to avoid some situations by leaving the scene
    Love
    Meemee



  313.  #313Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Meemee,

    I think I understand, maybe a little, what you’re feeling. I know in your situation I would feel really angry. I would feel like he wasn’t acknowledging the pain I felt by the way he had treated me. I would feel angry that the first words out of his mouth aren’t “I’m sorry. I was a jerk. I understand if you’re still mad at me.”



  314.  #314SummerBaby on January 10, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Meemee,

    then don’t talk to him and don’t beat yourself up for it. Since we’re supposed to be guided by how we feel, then avoid putting your hand to the stove!

    Don’t worry for one second that he looks at you as if you’re acting silly. he’s trying to use all the old ways to get things back to the way they were, in his favor. He’ll probably use a few new ones when he sees these don’t work. He’s a classic abuser. I know… I have been abused!

    treat yourself with the love and care you deserve!
    Hugs,
    Summerbaby



  315.  #315SummerBaby on January 10, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Meemee,

    sorry if I’m projecting. it bothers me how you were treated and continue to be treated by him. I feel triggered I guess.

    I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would protect myself by any means that felt good to me.

    hugs,
    summerbaby



  316.  #316Simply Shannon on January 10, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Meemee, Brava!! This is exactly what Rori says will happen…

    “I am feeling bored and sick of this game!!!”

    Men who don’t reach our standards… we feel bored with them. When X says stuff to you, simply remember that he is not offering you anything new. How boring right? I know it feels hurtful because this is so fresh but maybe if you tried to see this in a new light it would help?

    He’s still stuck.

    YOU are not.

    You are getting brief shimmering lights of truth coming through. One step forward. Baby steps.

    You feel bored!! Hooray!

    I feel excited for you Meemee! I remember when I first started getting what Rori was talking about. Change and healing are on the way for you! And it doesn’t have to end. So cool to learn about ourselves!



  317.  #317quinn99 on January 10, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Hello – can anyone tell me if you can email Rori questions directly?



  318.  #318Senior Lady Vibe on January 10, 2011 at 7:05 am

    @305: Meemee says:

    “Any suggestion?
    Much love
    Meemee”

    Hi Meemee,

    Suggestions?

    Yes, sign up today for free “No Contact” guidelines. You will also receive support and tips every few days. I call this going “ninja drastic.” There are no games here. It’s all about getting your life back.

    The No Contact Rule
    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule-e-guide-newsletter/The No Contact Rule

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  319.  #319Femininewoman on January 10, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Meemee you are strong you have to believe that. You writing seems to me like you are being triggered and Rori suggests that you want to get triggered to heal and to get over your situation. I told you he would be back, he can’t help himself. You remember clearly the shouting and everything else because it is stored in the emotional memory of your body cells. I feel it might be good if you fall to the ground in front of him so he sees how hurt you feel. It would be great if that happens and he offers to help you and you refuse because you are strong enough to help yourself. You are hurting now but you are also becoming more and more aware of yourself and how you feel. It was great reading that you are bored with him and his schemes as that is what Rori promises us will happen.



  320.  #320Senior Lady Vibe on January 10, 2011 at 7:34 am

    @258: Jim says:

    “…So what if I started cd’ing? How would I communicate to each of my women that this is ok, not to worry…”

    Jim, you would tell the women you are seeing that you are seeing others. While who you are seeing might be OK with you if might not be OK with all of any of your women friends.

    Your women friends will decide for themselves whether or not it is OK with them and whether or not they will worry. They will probably use your actions and how they feel to decide that. Telling someone “not to worry” would be rather meaningless.

    If by any chance you were thinking that sexual exclusivity and dating exclusivity are the same thing, they are not.

    For example, I could have sex with you yesterday if we had sexual exclusivity and today meet a guy friend for a trip to an art museum, lunch and pencil sketching in a coffee shop.

    Off to the museum now…

    SLV



  321.  #321RTCathy on January 10, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Meemee you are brave and you are wise to take yourself out of the situation.

    Oh I would love to feel bored with BMW man! He told me he needed a break, he did this between Xmas and New Year and I had to go through New Year staying with him, going out with his friends knowing that break was coming. I could have got him to take me home but I so wanted to be with him at New Year and I would have been all alone for new year. About 11.45 he told me that he was going to text his ex, I asked him not to, I said “your girlfriend wouldnt like it” – he said “I dont have a girlfriend”. I felt hurt, I despaired. i know this is not the correct terminology, that RR says we are dating and not girlfriends but its just what I said at the time (we have an exclusive sexual relationship).

    Now we are on our break he emails me every other day, telling me how he would “like” to feel for me – (not even how he feels). I look forward to his emails! I miss him, I know how he treats me is wrong but I feel so stuck I want the intimacy and his particular smell and feel. To be in his bed with him cuddling me like he used to while we sleep.

    Why can’t I feel bored, I am CDing and i have a man who has taken me out, treats me well but i do not care for him, my heart is still with BMW man.

    I do what Daria once suggested and try to stay in the moment and “just realize that the desperate Feelings are triggered now, but they’re yours, and you first felt them in the past, not now. Now they’re just being brought up again … And making different choices now will heal the old stuff too.., Babysteps” This helps so much and I think it has helped to heal some stuff. BUT I am still waiting for our “break” to end ( he told me two to three weeks whilst he finds himself and how he feels) i am waiting for BMW man to come back to me and realise he loves me!

    I know in my head that this is very unlikely and his friends have told me that he will not change and to look after myself….. I want to be bored, i want to feel angry, I’d like to feel indiferrence and walk away, show him my boundaries are strong and i do not want someone who does not want me,,…

    I hope that like Meemee I will someday find the strength to feel bored.



  322.  #322tinque on January 10, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Meemee – Tell hi exactly what you said here,
    “I don’t want to talk to him.”

    You can say, “I don’t want to talk to you. It does not feel good.”

    That’s it. No asking for any thoughts from him, nothing further. Then leave. If he still persists, then you may have to file a complaint with the powers that be where you are.

    Aren’t you leaving soon for other employ?

    xxoo



  323.  #323RTCathy on January 10, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Meemee you are brave and you are wise to take yourself out of the situation.

    Oh I would love to feel bored with BMW man! He told me he needed a break, he did this between Xmas and New Year and I had to go through New Year staying with him, going out with his friends knowing that break was coming. I could have got him to take me home but I so wanted to be with him at New Year and I would have been all alone for new year. About 11.45 he told me that he was going to text his ex, I asked him not to, I said “your girlfriend wouldnt like it” – he said “I dont have a girlfriend”. I felt hurt, I despaired. i know this is not the correct terminology, that RR says we are dating and not girlfriends but its just what I said at the time (we have an exclusive sexual relationship).

    Now we are on our break he emails me every other day, telling me how he would “like” to feel for me – (not even how he feels). I look forward to his emails! I miss him, I know how he treats me is wrong but I feel so stuck I want the intimacy and his particular smell and feel. To be in his bed with him cuddling me like he used to while we sleep.

    Why can’t I feel bored, I am CDing and i have a man who has taken me out, treats me well but i do not care for him, my heart is still with BMW man.

    I do what Daria once suggested and try to stay in the moment and “just realize that the desperate Feelings are triggered now, but they’re yours, and you first felt them in the past, not now. Now they’re just being brought up again … And making different choices now will heal the old stuff too.., Babysteps” This helps so much and I think it has helped to heal some stuff. BUT I am still waiting for our “break” to end ( he told me two to three weeks whilst he finds himself and how he feels) i am waiting for BMW man to come back to me and realise he loves me!

    I know in my head that this is very unlikely and his friends have told me that he will not change and to look after myself….. I want to be bored, i want to feel angry, I’d like to feel indiferrence and walk away, show him my boundaries are strong and i do not want someone who does not want me,,…

    I hope that like Meemee I will someday find the strength to feel bored



  324.  #324Lori on January 10, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Sweetpea wrote in #300

    “Just food for thought here, my Dad says a man with facial hair is hiding something. He believes a man with high self esteem doesn’t need to hide behind facial hair”

    I’m not sure why I feel so triggered by it. All I know is I get this “ICK” feeling when I see a full blown Tom Selleck mustache. I don’t mind if a guy takes a vacation from shaving and has that scruffy look and have dated men with closely trimmed goatees, but I’ve always felt I’d be a thousand times more attracted to them if they didn’t have them.

    My biggest problem is how honest to be about this. If I meet a guy who seems really nice and attractive but I get an “ICK” feeling because of his mustache, do I tell him this if he asks me out? Because that feels very insulting on my part.



  325.  #325Mercedes on January 10, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Too busy to read everything but wanted to subscribe so I can when I have more time.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  326.  #326Senior Lady Vibe on January 10, 2011 at 8:40 am

    @320: RTCathy says:

    “…I hope that like Meemee I will someday find the strength to feel bored…”

    I wish for you health, happiness and more… excitement. Life is short. I’m betting you don’t really, really want to be bored.

    Below is a link to my favorite Rori post last year. I found it very helpful. I’m looking for a new favorite for this year, probably one in the “Dating” category.

    Rori:

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/

    Putting the guy on your horse is a great tool. I also created another tool for myself. I bought a pretty art calendar agenda and some stickers, I chose sticker symbol for guy and put him in the agenda, way towards the end of the year 2011… 😆

    Maybe I’ll be concerned with him when I get there, I suspect I will not care much. Until then I am focusing on me. Never fear; those guys keep popping up, just like clockwork and I don’t have to go along with any one guy’s program either; I do things that keep me happy.

    For me, right now, CD, means “being in circulation” being out there in the world…where anything…ANYTHING…can happen. That’s exciting.

    I plan projects and adventures for myself. And life is good. I find that I don’t have to be 100% over trouble and grief in order to take care of myself and have fun. I make the best of what there is.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  327.  #327PrairieGirl on January 10, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Hi, I’m new here… I’ve been reading for a couple weeks and have been doing the programs for a few months… Learning a LOT… but I have questions…

    CD is a great idea, but I am a single mother (sm kids in school during the day I work from home) in a VERY remote rural area. I don’t meet anyone dropping kids at school going to the gym at the college, or Walmart…I smile like a fool at everyone though by golly!

    I’ve created online profiles on 2 sites. One I like best (for cowboys, since I’m a cowgirl) and have actually met a couple of nice guys…

    Here’s my dilemma..EVERYONE is at LEAST an hour from me… the guys I’ve spoken with or met are 3-7 hrs from me… How do I do the “never go to meet them make them come to you” business if I don’t want them in/at my home? The nearest town is 7 miles away and has a Taco Mayo, a Pizza Hut, and a Sonic… Yee Haw…

    I went to meet one as he has livestock and can’t be gone for more than a day w/out hiring someone to do chores… I had barely begun to listen to Siren but decided not to go to them again…

    The other guy was a really great guy.. came to where I am, 5 hrs away, had dinner w/my family and was generally wonderful…spent the night… but since getting laid has gone from calling every day w/the exception of one day a week (for 2 months) to calling only a couple times a week …I’ve done really well I thought on using feeling messages all the way through… When he calls he talks like he’s still interested and wants to keep seeing me… WHEN he calls that is…He’s 14 yrs older and I wouldn’t have given him a serious chance except he was so classy and good to me, handling every sassy flip comment w/humor and finesse… damn smooth cowboy…He felt foreign and I kept remembering what Rori said in Targeting that Mr Right would feel foreign to me but that he would know me… Could have described the smooth cowboy to a “t”….

    So now I need advice on the sex thing. Is it just ALL my negative belief that a man will do/say anything… call all the time… perusing you until … he gets you into bed? Then… hasta la taco (goodbye in sarcasm)…

    The drag of it is that at 46, and for the first time in my life, I really enjoy sex and MISS it… at the end of my 12 yr marriage I couldn’t have cared less if I ever had it again..Now I want it, but am STILL the putz that can’t lay her body down on a bed w/out her heart following… So when I sleep w/them they automatically get an inside spot in my thoughts and affections…

    I get bonded… and there is not enough CDing to help… mostly because there are so few REAL men who call even.. actually do more than email/text are few and far between…

    To top it off I’m tired of emailing men telling them about myself over and over…blah blah blah…

    I’d appreciate any help you can give me sirens…
    Thank you.
    PrairieGirl



  328.  #328Meemee on January 10, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Ladies
    Thanks for youe help and suggestions. SLV, I subscribed no contact newsletter 🙂
    Tinque, yes, i am leaving the job. But X and I are doing our PhDs from the same institute (where both of us are employed). That means even if I leave the job, i will have to see him almost every week (the frequency will be less). I will have to see him till i finish my PhD and get out of this institute.
    I feel terror when I think of that.
    Meemee



  329.  #329Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 9:39 am

    @Katnina 234,

    Great minds think alike! I do all of those things, too. I keep a notebook for all the details, especially for how quickly they called once I give them my number, whether they ask for a date during the first call, whether they call me the day after our first date to schedule our next date, etc. This is how I screen for level of interest. (Got all this good stuff from the book “The List”)
    I put their number in my cell so I know who is calling and can keep their names straight. I like to be a polite date and don’t want any of them to think that they don’t have my full attention.

    My question remains, though… what has happened to the lovely custom of the man asking a women he’s attracted to for her phone number? I like that SOOOOO much better.



  330.  #330Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Oops, Katnina, that was your post 284.



  331.  #331Turtle Girl on January 10, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Well ladies thank goodness we are all different! I LOVE a man with facial hair, beards and such all three days grown out and scruffy made my toes curl up and I go weak in the knees. Yup. All that hair feels yummy!



  332.  #332Jim on January 10, 2011 at 10:13 am

    303: Sweetpea

    Thank you for being so candid. I too find the cd’ing conflicting with myself. I’m also a one woman man. Though, if it keeps you from high powered emotions and you want to be on an even keel. Maybe it’s ok for you? I don’t know, something for you to figure out. I would suppose if you live within your boundaries that would help.

    We all have inner conflicts.

    As for the men that blow with you? Better they blow it now, than down the road. Some of them don’t sound like they would be a good fit anyway.

    Thanks for replying, I’ve gotta get back to work.

    Also, The cd’ing thing, even though I don’t know the course, appears to be a very good way to handle experiences. The proof in the pudding is how the individual uses that information in their lives. There are sincere people out there and there are manipulators. To me, even the manipulators can be granted their leave if their intent is good.

    Take care & thanks again, You are very human and that is a really really good thing.

    Jim



  333.  #333Summerbaby on January 10, 2011 at 10:37 am

    I used feeling messages to ask Mr. Treats Me Like Gold what dating means to him. He listed dating as his relationship goal while mine is long term. We’ve been getting closer with each progressive date.

    He initiates most of the contact (I text good morning because he likes to wait until he’s sure I’m awake) and then he takes it from there. He calls a couple times a day and texts and chats online with me as well.

    Reading the post someone linked to (sorry I don’t remember who-SLV?) about how you feel when you are with him helped bring clarity to a bunch of stuff for me so thank you whoever that was.

    I know there’s a disconnect for most guys between feelings and intimacy. I let him know that for me the two go hand in hand. I told him I don’t want to rush into anything – but I am looking for long term. I also don’t know when or if I will be ready for marriage. I just know I can’t do casual because I get too attached. I brought this up with him because I feel like we’re headed in the direction of intimacy.

    He told me he understood how I felt and that’s why he’s taking it slow. So I said, okay, I’ll just sit back, relax and enjoy. He seemed really happy with that, and I am really happy as well because I feel like we’re both on the same page.

    He then told me I should not hesitate to bring up anything that’s on my mind to him. I thanked him for making me feel safe enough to open up.

    I am enjoying using every contact with every man as a message or free therapy for me. What great concepts. I had been doing something similar on my own for the last year. I look at every relationship I see for the aspect that I think is wonderful about it and say, I like what I see, and that is for me! This was to help me realize that good relationships do exist and I can have and deserve one.

    So happy to have discovered this blog and the newsletter. It’s great to read about everyone else’s experience to because it helps me to look at mine from a different perspective. Sometimes that little paradigm shift is all it takes for a big aha and a massive growth spurt! So thank you to all of you for sharing your lovely selves!

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby



  334.  #334Girl on January 10, 2011 at 10:50 am

    SS,
    Interesting idea. No, I actually don’t have a negative incident, but my friend (who was present both times) was raped when she was 15, and just last week, her brother in law reached his hand down her shirt and grabbed her breast. She is very beautiful and attracts bad behavior from man. I feel very protective of her. I attracted a lot of bad attention when I was 20ish cause of enormous boobs and a small frame, so I know what it’s like to be targeted, and I feel like I have to look out for her cause her intuitive feeler outer seems a little busted.



  335.  #335Lucy on January 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Sweetpea, sending you love and hugs. <3



  336.  #336Lucy on January 10, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Sweetpea – “Just food for thought here, my Dad says a man with facial hair is hiding something. He believes a man with high self esteem doesn’t need to hide behind facial hair. I’ve thought of it many times but can’t decide whether I believe it to be true. What do you think?”

    I believe it is not true. I have known many lovely, open, high self-esteem men with facial hair — most of them go back and forth between having it and not having it. My dad is one of them. Sometimes these men change it bc their woman likes it better one way or the other … or bc they grow facial hair to stay warmer in the winter and shave it to stay cooler in the summer… or they just think they look better one way or the other … or want a change (like women change their hairstyle, color, makeup, etc.)

    My two cents. 🙂



  337.  #337Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Lucy,

    Re: 331 – Thank you. I wish I could bear to post more here but I can’t. Thanks for seeing it despite all that.

    The awesome thing is that even though I feel hesitant to put it all out there because I just feel too darn vulnerable, I’m still finding all kinds of helpful info reading this. And the new post is amazing! Just what I need right now.

    Thank you too, Rori!



  338.  #338Rori Raye on January 10, 2011 at 11:49 am

    All – I just got a personal request to delete a comment of Jim’s from the blog (it was listed as #226 – but can’t see it as that # – so not sure which one it was..) – and – Jim – I’m going to say this right in front of you – to boot Jim from the blog totally (because he’s a man giving advice who isn’t an actual relationship coach). We’ve had great men show up here – and they were all coaches…Terence, Evan Marc Katz (very controversial, too), Justin…several – but we’ve never had a regular guy stick around like Jim is – just plain “sharing” and being part of the community. I personally like it. I think Jim gives us something masculine energy to work with – even if it sets us off.

    I don’t know why you’re here, Jim, what you get from us – but I would guess you’re learning a huge amount about women and how we work. And masculine energy is ALL ABOUT FIXING! It’s all about figuring out and giving advice. It’s the opposite of what we’re trying to do here in sinking into feminine energy. He’s SUPPOSED to sound different…he’s supposed to THINK! while we’re supposed to FEEL!- and that – in theory – gives us someone to practice with!

    It’s gonna make you feel unheard and unsafe some of the time. Question is – can I help this be a total win-win for everyone? My first suggestion is to Jim. Notice how sensitive we are. I know you’re sensitive, and that men are sensitive…now multiply any sensitive feelings you have by a thousand and you’ll get where we’re coming from. No matter what you read or hear…see if you can help yourself with women by listening, and facilitating both your own abilities and ours by staying out of judgment completely – just as you would with a woman on a date – and asking questions.

    Curiosity, interest, hearing – that will help US understand when you’re in “fixing” mode – and will help YOU get that “fixing” is NOT your strongest position as a man… I should likely turn this into a post…

    So – for now – if Jim offends you – use it as practice. I totally do not see him as offending on purpose….and Jim, let’s see how we can take advantage of you, if that’s okay with you….and also help you with whatever keeps you coming back here. If we can help you be a better man, while bouncing off you so we can experiment with some of the scarier aspects of being a woman – sounds like a good deal to me….Love, Rori



  339.  #339Rori Raye on January 10, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Oh – and – as always – if anyone sees a comment that got by me that’s really ragged and upsetting – please let me know – EASIEST way to let me know is to make a comment on the blog with a new name, and put some bad language in it at the end! That way it’ll end up in moderation – and I’ll find it (won’t publish it unless you say to)! Love, Rori



  340.  #340Lori on January 10, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Lucy,

    I don’t feel judgmental of men with facial hair in that they are hiding something or have low self esteem. I don’t feel anything negative towards them as people. It’s when I try to think of them on an attraction basis that I get an ick feeling. I wonder if I had a bad experience that I’m repressing or something. I could certainly be friends with Tom Selleck or the Marlboro Man himself, I just don’t feel like letting either of them kiss me! : )



  341.  #341Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 11:54 am

    @253: Luzydel

    I’ve come to accept that this will happen from time to time. Once a guy I hadn’t met in person yet decided never to call me again because when he asked what I was doing that day, after making it clear he wasn’t asking me for a date that day, I told him I was going on a date. I guess men can be as overly sensitive as women can. Also, they sometimes expect exclusivity without asking for it and way too early on.



  342.  #342Rori Raye on January 10, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Prairie Girl – I really get the problem of your location – and I have several clients living in remote areas. Sex-wise…How about – no rules. Just make your own. If you can honestly have sex with a man for good feelings, and NOT CARE if he calls you again or not – not because you don’t like him that much, but because you realize it’s HIS decision how much farther he wants to go with you emotionally, logistically- so you just let it go and let him do what he wants…then have sex! Makes sense that one of these guys online wants what you want – the whole shooting match! Love, Rori



  343.  #343Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Lori, re: #321

    I’m wondering if Rori’s new post won’t help you with this. Something that’s been brewing in my mind is that feeling messages seem to have pushed the most recent guy further away from me and I found that I felt icky about the ones I had used. I thought that maybe I just didn’t know how to use them correctly, but I think Rori’s latest post hits ilthe nail on the head for me. It’s because I was sharing surface emotions. Makes perfect sense.

    I just wonder if getting to the feelings below the surface of “ick” wouldn’t help you to express it to them more authentically and have you feeling more comfortable with expressing it.



  344.  #344Lori on January 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Thanks, I’d love to get to the bottom of it-it makes me feel bad to feel so shallow about something so silly. Which post is that?



  345.  #345Rori Raye on January 10, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    quinn99 asked about asking me questions personally and directly – and so sorry – I’m just jammed totally on here and writing eletters and working with clients – so I realized it’s just not fair to my clients to answer questions directly….here’s what works best: If you’re interested in getting private coaching by phone or email with me, or in getting on my personal teleclass list (I’m actually going to get a series of classes going so I can work more personally with more of you) – email my assistant at Melanie@CoachRori.com. Otherwise, this community is the most effective way for me to answer questions – and hope that the posts (using questions I get forwarded to me and get from clients and see here) help you with your unique circumstance. Love, Rori



  346.  #346Rori Raye on January 10, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Scarlett – This is an interesting question. Hard to tell if he has a fetish, or if he’s bizarrely focused on sex, or if he’s clueless about what to say to a woman, or if he’s joking, or if he likes to go out to nice places, or if he just likes a woman in heels, or if he’s letting you know he’s not a casual guy, or if he’s letting you know what he likes, or if he’s used to women getting all flirty and sexual with him by text. Why don’t you ask HIM for clarification – without judgment or acting like you’re offended? Just like you told us. Is he looking for a slutty girl? (though heels are hardly slutty.) THEN make a decision thumbs up or thumbs down. Love, Rori



  347.  #347Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    RTCathy, re: 322

    Sorry to hear your pain, but I wanted to thank you for sharing this: “Also, I do what Daria once suggested and try to stay in the moment and “just realize that the desperate Feelings are triggered now, but they’re yours, and you first felt them in the past, not now. Now they’re just being brought up again … And making different choices now will heal the old stuff too.., Babysteps” (thank you too, Daria).

    EXACTLY what I needed to hear today.



  348.  #348Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Lori,

    It’s the lastest one she Rori just posted this morning. Just hit “back to home” under the comment box and, just like Dorothy, and two clicks of her heels, you’ll be there. 😀



  349.  #349Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @Soul Sista #256

    “The List: 7 Ways To Tell If He’s Going To Marry You In 30 Days Or Less” by Mary Corbett and Sheila Corbett Kihne

    Awesome book that teaches you to screen for men who are most likely to want to marry you and what to do when they don’t. I absolutely love it. It’s a great companion to CD.



  350.  #350Soul Sista on January 10, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    nancy ~ thank you…i’m coming down w/ the flu at the moment but i’ll def check it out when i’m feeling better 🙂



  351.  #351Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    @Lori #258

    “Nancy,

    RE #202. Thanks so much for the sweet compliment-it made me feel good and smile to myself. I’m not sure how to turn the description of myself into feeling messages though. Any ideas?”

    Lori, what I tried to do is use a feeling message in my description anywhere I would have said “I am…”
    So, instead of writing I am the kind of woman who… I tried to write I feel so happy when… or It feels good to… or It would feel great… or I want to… I like to… I love to… etc. Does that help?



  352.  #352Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    You’re welcome, Sista. Hope you feel better soon!



  353.  #353Nancy on January 10, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @Lori #272

    Wow, Lori. You go! Very well said. I feel so clear reading your post. I’m going to carry this one around with me and read it over and over. It just kind of says it all.



  354.  #354Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Jim,

    re: 332, Candid is my middle name, forthright and open are things I hope to add to that. I’ve been told by a guy a cared deeply for that I play things too close to my chest and he had no idea. Now I fear I may be swinging toward too much sharing, or at least sharing in a not so effective way. Again, this is where Rori’s tools, learning to be open with my feelings and learning to share them effectively are a big deal for me.

    For me, the goal is to keep me from high-powered emotions. I don’t know if there’s an ideal way to do that, but it seems spreading my concentration around to a few different men would help. I’ve just not found the secret to keep from becoming focused on the one guy I feel best with and I can’t seem to keep from feeling badly about the others, like I’m leading them on.

    This is something for me to figure out and I’m confident that eventually I’ll get it. I’ve actually made some pretty huge leaps in other relationship areas, so even though I’m hurting right now, I feel like all is not lost. What I would really like is to make these strides without setting myself up to be hurt though.

    I appreciate your feedback on this and I hope that it helps you to understand a little bit better. It helps me to explain it to you, so thanks.

    Rori says that men need and get healing from this as well, so I agree with you that good intent probably excuses me as far as karma goes anyway. I’m not intending to hurt anyone although I have to say the man’s healing is not my goal or really even on my radar in this.

    Yes. It’s easy for me to say the guys from my past probably wouldn’t have been a good fit. I’m all about being as brutally honest with myself as I possibly can be though and the truth of the matter is that there’ve been a couple of guys who could have been a pretty decent fit if I had done things differently. So while it may feel selfish and maybe look selfish, if I can date a few guys at a time and by that finally get to my love story, then maybe it’s worth any flak I may get for it.

    I personally don’t know how to explain CDing in a way that won’t look like I’m using men although Siena said it best. We’re not serial daters, we’re women looking for happily ever after while attempting to not put to much pressure on any given man in the process. That’s probably not exactly it, but it’s what I got out of it. And therein, for me, lies the challenge…not putting to much pressure on any given man.

    Thanks for this: “You are very human and that is a really really good thing.” Sometimes I’m not so sure. 😀

    Jim



  355.  #355Lisi on January 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    @ 37 Nancy–

    Is he telling you what I think he’s telling you with this type of statement? It’s breaking MY heart reading it. It sounds like he has you coming and going. He won’t give it and he’s going to make you feel like it’s your fault. I feel like calling him some very bad names. I feel angry at him.
    I have decided to take men at face value. ALL of the time. No more reading between the lines or wondering. What they say is what they get. Dammit.

    **********************

    I think you’re missing something if you take them at face value. Sometimes they say things they don’t mean, and sometimes they “posture.”

    I had a six-month relationship with this man. I know he over-reacts, gets mad, then apologizes and gets closer to me. We’ve even talked about this pattern of him.

    I essentially gave him an ultimatum — wrong move. I also was trying to get HIM to be commitment guy — rather than expressing what I NEED, then let him opt in or out of being that guy.

    What transpired is that I refused to stop dating others without a commitment from him. What is happening now is a LOT of VERY SWEET phone calls and texts from him. We are 3 hours apart, but last night was very intense — both emotionally and sexually.

    I wouldn’t be getting the closeness from him if I’d “taken him at face value” like you suggest.

    I’m willing to keep working on my stuff — getting more clear about communicating from the feeling level — and allow that which is in BOTH of our highest and best interest — to be the end result.

    I love him. Maybe I’ll make long-term relationship with him. Maybe with one of the other men I’m seeing. Maybe with someone I haven’t met yet.

    I leave the outcome open to the God-source.



  356.  #356Lori on January 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Nancy,

    re #353

    I feel honored and flattered that you liked my post enough and felt it made things clear for you! Thanks for the compliment!



  357.  #357Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Lucy,

    Re: facial hair.

    I agree with you. Some of the most confident men I’ve met are the ones who regularly change their facial hair. They use it like an accessory, like women put on a necklace or earrings.

    I like facial hair and my Dad usually grew a beard when he went hunting and kept it for a few weeks for warmth. I just always find his ideas interesting, if somewhat fallible. He always makes me think.

    I was curious if Lori had some sort of comment like that made to her, or if there was something about facial hair that triggered a response in her like it does for my Dad. He’s a little judgmental sometimes, but when it comes to people smarts, he’s really taught me alot. Some of it I’m trying to UN-learn, but still…



  358.  #358Sweetpea on January 10, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    And Lori, just for the record, I was in no way intending to say you were being judgmental. Should have put a new paragraph there.



  359.  #359Lori on January 10, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    OMG I had such an AHA moment today! I hope I can make it make sense without rambling even more than I usually do.

    I was talking to a guy friend of mine about my online profile and he went and looked at it and asked me why I didn’t have any flirtatious, sexy comments on there since he considers my sexual confidence to be one of my greatest assets. I replied to him “OMG, no way would I put anything sexual on there, I already have enough men hitting me up because you can tell in my full length picture that I have big boobs! If I made any sexual innuendos at all, no matter how innocently flirtatious, I’d be bombarded with emails from guys just looking to get laid!”

    Suddenly I got an image of Chris O’Donnell in the movie “The Bachelor” running down the street being chased by thousands of women in wedding dresses, all looking to get married, maybe not to him but to his big bank account or possibly just to get married period.

    My epiphany, while I realize it to be generalizing and somewhat stereotyping, is that most single men want sex more than they want commitment (until they meet the one woman that makes them want to give up all of their freedom) and most single women want commitment more than they want sex. It’s like we’re reverse graphs of each other. Consider this:

    If I’m an attractive, healthy woman and all I want is for ANY man to talk to me, whether in a bar or online, all I have to do is say “I want to chat” and I have MILLIONS of men to choose from. If I want casual sex with no strings as in a one night stand, all I have to do is say “I want sex” and I have THOUSANDS to choose from. If I want sex and friendship or casual dating, I have HUNDREDS to choose from. If I want sex and more serious dating but not marriage, I still have double digits to choose from. If I want marriage and the whole commitment package, that number falls into the single digits and those men may not be the men I’M interested in.

    For a man it’s nearly opposite. If I’m a man who is a good catch-handsome, intelligent, good job etc and I just want a girl to talk to me in person or online, I also have MILLIONS to choose from in the world. If I’m offering the fairy tale marriage, commitment, the whole package, (especially if I’m wealthy because alot of women would marry for that reason alone) I have THOUSANDS of candidates to choose from. If I’m looking for sex and serious dating, but no long term commitment, I still have HUNDREDS to choose from. Sex and casual dating still keeps me in double digits of prospects and I don’t drop into single digits until I’m just looking for anonymous, casual sex with no strings at all attached, and those may not be the women I’M interested in.

    Generally speaking, women want commitment, so men have the power in that area. Men want sex, so women have the power in that area. For a man to get me to have casual, anonymous sex with him, he would have to stand out among my all of MY options, especially since I don’t believe in casual sex. If I want him to marry me, I have to stand out among all of HIS options, especially if he doesn’t believe in marriage or feel ready to give up his freedom. Maybe even men who WANT to get married are hesitant to say so for fear of being bombarded like we women get bombarded for sex!

    My guy friend agreed with this theory, telling me that ALL 10 of the women he’s been in relationships with have wanted to marry him, but he only wanted to marry 1of them, the one he’s married to now. The rest he just wanted to have various degrees of sexual and dating relationships with. And he had hundreds of one night stands in between those casual relationships.

    THIS is why it’s important to CD. Being exclusive with one man who isn’t putting the commitment you want on the table is like gambling. If you were gambling in a casino, would you put your life savings on one bet or spread your money around on different opportunities to win big? Your odds are much better to place smaller bets in different places. You may win big right away or you may win enough to keep playing until you do later. But if you place it all on one bet and you lose, you’ve got nothing left…

    Again, I realize I’m generalizing and that not all men want sex more than commitment and not all women want commitment more than sex. But I do feel that as a general rule it’s harder for a man to get us to want no strings sex with them and it’s harder for us to get them to want to marry us.



  360.  #360Lori on January 10, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Sweetpea and Lucy,

    Still trying to figure out the facial hair thing. It would make alot more sense to me if my dad had it and I was having a reaction from childhood, but he didn’t. Perhaps I had a man with a mustache creep me out at some point in my life and I just don’t remember it. I do remember a teacher of mine as a kid who always had pieces of food stuck in his mustache and found that kind of gross, but I can’t imagine that would scar me to that level. I mean, I’ve seen guys with boogers in their noses that I thought were gross as a kid and I still like my guys to have noses LOL



  361.  #361Luzydel on January 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Well I did something different today, I put into practice thing I’ve learned here. I tend to shut men down to get defensive and hide. POF-Brazilian guy called me again today and I was like wow he is still interested?

    He said I am not upset or mad at you. How are you?
    I said ok, and yourself? (I was feeling defensive)
    then I said well there is some thing that bugs me a little; can I tell you?
    He said sure
    Me: I do not want to make judgement, but sometimes I feel like you make assumptions about me. I don’t want to feel that way. I am feeling defensive.

    Him: what assumptions?
    Me: Like I am playing

    Him: I have never said that about you, Sorry if I gave you that impression.

    Me: I know, I just feel that way…

    Him: I like you a lot and I hope we continue knowing each other. Please do not feel defensive…

    Me: I like you too
    Him: also, so you know. you are not mine yet so you can do as you please.

    Me: I want a man who can claim me his, that can give me his all. Once that happen I don’t need to look for anyone else.

    Him: great, I hope I can do that to you. we have a lot in common, and also I don’t want you to feel shy when you talk to me.

    Me: thanks for letting me tell you ow I feel

    Him: Good, one day I will get a hug from you

    Me: sure all that is in order,,,baby steps

    Him: well I have to get going, I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I miss you…

    I feel different, I did something out of my comfort zone and it seems to be the best thing to do. I told a guy how I felt, and he did not run away, he got closer wow. Now I am realizing that most men from my past maybe ran away because I shut them down and closed myself to them.

    I feel good, this was a good practice 🙂



  362.  #362Senior Lady Vibe on January 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Who’s The REAL You?

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/whos-the-real-you/

    Monday, 10 January 2011 @ 7:43am

    SLV



  363.  #363Daria on January 10, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    yay luzydel that feels awesome to read



  364.  #364mary on January 11, 2011 at 1:40 am

    hey Lori, that was an awesome aha!

    very interesting comments about circular dating. i agree with circular dating but i’m only with one guy right now. i let myself get very serious with him, so we’ll see… it was a rather natural evolution to the point of exclusivity. hmmmm… everyone’s different, eh? there are no real rules, only theories… i know i’m going counter to the counter of CD-ing, which does totally make sense, but in practice it’s a hard thing to figure out. and more difficult to explain. so i’m taking the normal route for now.

    daria, i LOVED your comments on how to show love to a man. mmmmmm… i loved them.

    so… this whole post is about you and Brenda, but there is no talk between the two of you. i feel uneasy. it feels like i’m eavesdropping or window peeping or something, or like i felt when my whole first in-law family were talking about the father, and he was at the table too. i felt embarrassed. it was just so weird that i said, “Um… Pardon me, but it seems like you guys are talking about each other, and not talking TO each other, when we’re all here in the room together!” (that didn’t go over too well… but they never did it again in my presence…)

    and Brenda, I read your comments. just newsy stuff! when you were the subject of the post! but you were busy tonight…

    wow.

    it’s like i’m in the middle of a drama that isn’t being played out. like i just watched the first act of a play and then the second act had nothing to do with the first act.

    wha?

    but the CD discussion was riveting. i hated for it to come to an end.

    i always had so many questions about it!

    and i’m prepared to go back to it if my relationship begins to go sideways or backwards…

    yes! i would do it again in a heartbeat! it was so fun…

    about the drama – it’s not that i’m encouraging it to continue; i’m just feeling what i’m feeling about it. and the avoidance feels uncomfortable to me…

    is that some kind of personal trigger?

    i wonder…



  365.  #365Femininewoman on January 11, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Just saw the following and it really melted my heart so I thought I would share it here.

    To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
    The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis



  366.  #366Rori Raye on January 11, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Jim – the point is getting obscured here. If you like the man, and want to be with him, and he’s proposing marriage…then you say yes and don’t CD! If you like the man and feel attached to him, and HE’S NOT SURE – meaning he doesn’t know about marriage, he doesn’t know what the future holds, he’s not sure you’re the one…but he really LIKES you, and really wants to have you all to himself – then that won’t work for you. Then you CD. Can you see the situation? If a man wants to marry you and you want to CD – well, then – we’re not talking about the same situation here. I ALWAYS advise women to give a good man a chance – even an EXCLUSIVE chance at some time in the “dating relationship” – but, if you’re ready to go, and he isn’t – then CD with actual DATES is the only answer. CDing in the therapeutic sense is a life-long Tool. Love, Rori



  367.  #367Laughing Goddess on January 11, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Oh my goodness!!!

    I feel so excited! Rori’s post #366
    clears so much up for me about cd-ing and exclusivity. This is huge! Crucial!

    I am jumping for joy because I feel so much more understanding now.

    Thank you Rori! And thanks to everyone participating in this discussion.

    Wow wow wow



  368.  #368Laughing Goddess on January 11, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Mary? Did you see #366?

    I feel curious how you feel about that? 🙂



  369.  #369Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Wow, what synchronicity! Last night in bed I had a thought out of the blue that CDing could easily stand in the way of genuine intimacy… and in that moment I decided that regardless of what is said on the blog, there’s gonna come a time for me with the right guy when I will Not CD bc doing so would prevent us from truly deepening our intimacy…

    Turns out my thoughts were right in synch with Rori afterall!!!

    I feel happy and confident and reassured once again that I can trust myself. 🙂



  370.  #370Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Oh, I see that Rori’s other post about this topic is on another thread.

    Okay, here it is:

    “Guys – I’m putting together a post about Circular Dating and “Ted.” CDing is way more complex and therapeutically designed than what Evan is talking about here – CD will heal your fear of INTIMACY – which is what these women Evan talks about all have in common – and something we can address…Love, Rori”



  371.  #371mary on January 11, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Laughing Goddess!

    I feel so much the same way! Oh my goodness. Rori, thank you for the clarification! I’ve been asking about this for a few years now… and I just branched out and decided to take a chance on this one guy. And everything is going beautifully. It’s easy… I think we’re a match.

    I’ll keep you posted.

    I’m laughing, LG! This is news, and it’s very, very good! I mean, I can’t see turning to him, when all is wonderful, and saying, “I think I’ll just keep my options open…” That would be the end of that. And likewise, if he told me that! I mean, we’re close… and it’s going in a forward motion, at a great pace. Not too fast, not too slow. We’re being cautious…

    And I’m happy.

    So nice to see you here, LG!



  372.  #372mary on January 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Lucy,

    I know what you mean about being able to trust yourself. I’ve felt uneasy about narrowing down to one man, especially when there’s so much talk on the blog about CD-ing. But it feels so right. And I’ve learned to regard my feelings as an indicator of how my relationships are going… so I’m with you! Just learning to trust myself and act with confidence…

    Thank you, Rori.

    If I hadn’t been circular dating I would have been bent out of shape about Island Man. As it was, I just accepted more dates and kept going out, and… right there, all along, was my one and only, possibly Mr. Right…

    Wow.

    Time will tell…



  373.  #373Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Mary, I’ve been thinking about my past exclusive relationships, and there are only two out of six where CDing would have been helpful to me…. and they are the two where the guy was wishy washy and I was ready for marriage — exactly the situation where Rori says to CD.

    The other relationships were either equally balanced, or the guy was more sure than I was — so being exclusive helped us both to explore the relationship more deeply to see if it was really a good lifelong match.



  374.  #374Senior Lady Vibe on January 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Uh-oh



  375.  #375Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Uh-oh? What’s up SLV?



  376.  #376Senior Lady Vibe on January 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @Lucy

    How are you? I’m drinking hot chocolate [wishing I had a sweetie to go with the hot chocolate, sigh.. 😥 ] but gossiping with my DDIL online. They start chasing after me when I sneak away and take time for myself. 😆

    The “uh-oh” is I hope there are not suddenly a whole lot of [premature] GFs…

    I do things my own way, learn, adjust, tweak so I’m not squarely in anyone’s camp, learning from all.

    The thing is, everyone’s idea of “committment” is different…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  377.  #377Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    SLV, I’m drinking coffee and nibbling on non-pareils. 🙂

    Yes, I understand your uh-oh.

    Personally, based on what I wrote in #373, I believe I now have a handle on when to become exclusive and when not. If I had known about CDing back then, I probably would have CDed while dating the wishy-washy’s.

    In fact, I was very attracted to one wishy-washy’s best friend but never considered dating him bc I was “a girlfriend” already. Rats! I coulda dated that hottie!!!!



  378.  #378Senior Lady Vibe on January 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    @Lucy
    Maybe it’s not too late. Where is he! tee hee 😉

    @377: Lucy says:
    “…Rats! I coulda dated that hottie!…”

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  379.  #379Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Hehe. No idea where he is now… I was living in Florida at the time… My bf and I would hang out at his friend’s house, and the friend would be sitting around in his bathrobe looking all sexy with his hot hairy bare legs and adorable face and gorgeous head of hair… sigh… He definitely wouldn’t have been the right one for me longterm though… completely different value systems and lifestyles… (just like my bf, who was also not at all right for me)…



  380.  #380Lori on January 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Lucy,

    You’re torturing me with the visual of the hot man in the bathrobe! Some of us aren’t getting any ya know! : )



  381.  #381Lori on January 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Having a blast online this time now that I’m over my ex, have my boundaries set and have some communication tools under my belt. I had to stop looking at it like I was looking for something and just lean back and see what comes to me and just enjoy myself with no expectations of any outcomes. If nothing else comes of it, I’ve met some interesting new people and had some interesting conversations the past few days while I’ve been sick in bed. It’s amazing how the quality of men who have contacted me has improved just by shifting my attitude!



  382.  #382Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Haha, sorry, Lori! I’m not getting any either, so I hear ya!!



  383.  #383Daria on January 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    ok recap of how I’m getting what I wanted- sexy men

    I think it was the eft. I did a “both sided” technique…

    Like… Maybe its possible… No its not… Yes I know it id… Maybe not… etc



  384.  #384Ella on January 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Oh I feel so tired.

    And feel a bit sick.

    Feel like I can’t share tonight… Not properly.

    Feel a little bit tense in my tummy but also all yawny and floppy.

    Issues with Mr Barman to do with trust (me of him).

    Feel bad for having these feelings.

    Trying to stick with my feelings and stay away from judgement and is SO HARD right now!

    Told him all of how I truly feel tonight and now communication has stopped and I feel TERRIFIED!

    Waw, waw… where have you gone?

    But luckily think I do have the resources to take care of myself… think I have built them up… oh I hope so!

    Just feel frightened of consequences of sharing inner feelings and fears to be faced with possibility of disappearing man?? That feels like afraid little girl.

    Feels like jumping off a cliff to share real feelings (at least I think they are real deep feelings… the real me… these days I am never really sure! lol).

    And I do feel judgemental of him.

    And I am sure I have overloaded him…

    However it kinda tuff cus that is where I was at.

    Not gonna hide anymore.

    It will be ok lil Ella. Don’t worry.

    I will look after u!

    xxxxxx

    Rah rah rah!!!! RAAAAAR! Kawasaki booraa graaaaw!

    Huh! F8ck him then if can’t deal with me… I dealt with him.

    He can stick it up his ***!!!!

    F



  385.  #385Daria on January 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Security Man I was actually in love with (visions of life together) in March has reappeared with a message on myspace.

    he disappeared right after sex and after getting mad to find out that i was dating other men, and i felt bad to be turned against and i said so, and i was NOT expecting him to actually disappear….

    and NOW it turns out he had a reason for disappearing that was not me, and for not keeping in contact (he was in jail that whole time!!! 8 months)

    **

    19 man has called me to talk for 7 hours and then he called AGAIN and we talked

    **

    sexy cd popped up today calling me and leaving me a message

    🙂



  386.  #386Daria on January 11, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    i like kawasaki boraa graww!! 🙂



  387.  #387Ella on January 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Grrrrr,

    Obviously feeling angry now.

    And that feels better.

    But feel like questions… why hasn’t he got in touch when he asks if I’m ok and then I tell him my feelings (I am in some trauma feelings) and there is just silence!

    Oh and the silence feels horrible. \

    Like a BIG TENSE question… or gap.

    Like a test… what if he doesn’t pass?

    Well if he doesn’t he doesn’t.

    That is it.

    Nevermind.

    But feel so angry at being left after being vulnerable. Feel FURIOUS!

    Was I looking for an outcome by sharing feelings?

    Maybe… a bit, to be reassured.

    Its ok though, babysteps.

    And in honesty also felt good just to share.

    Although I want a man to take care of my feelings.

    So yes want an outcome… but ok without one as just spoke my honest truth.

    No one can argue with that… it is just how I feel, so how can it be wrong.

    Feel doubtful though… feel anxious cus of all times before when I have trusted a man and it has come back to bite me.

    Remember Ella, this is not about the man, or an outcome, it is about being in touch with feelings, learning to speak truth and be authentic, looking after self.

    All else is secondary.

    So as I have spoken my truth and looking after self then nothing else really matters.

    I don’t feel great though… don’t feel good.

    But think I feel dealable with.



  388.  #388Lucy on January 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Ella, I feel proud of you.

    And if it turns out that there are valid reasons to not trust him, better to find out now than after you are married to him and have children.

    Love and hugs.
    Lucy



  389.  #389Daria on January 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Sexy CD just called 🙂

    he wants to see me tomorrow and also is going to call back today in 5 min

    🙂



  390.  #390Lori on January 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Chatting with guys at different times online tonight. One of them asking me to chat and its going really slow. Feels like he’s distracted or not 100% there with me. I feel suspicious he’s having multiple chats and I say I feel better chatting when men have more time to focus. He assures me he’s not and is really trying to get to know me etc. We chat slowly for a bit and I still feel suspicious. Finally I say I have to sign off and suddenly I get a link to a profile of another woman, who happens to be bisexual and into threesomes!!! I type back ???? and he’s all like OMG I’m soooo sorry!!!!! It was meant for someone else he was chatting with!!!

    BUSTED!!!! Always gotta listen to my gut!



  391.  #391Ella on January 12, 2011 at 2:54 am

    Lucy thanks!

    And I meant to say thanks for your comments before about my posts where you said you felt proud of me… it made me feel REALLY GOOD!

    I think the trust thing is my issue and related to hearing about stuff from his past which makes me feel afraid.

    Ironically he is being very honest in telling me about it and I hope we can work through it.

    I just have a massive fear of being with someone who lies to me… not saying he does, it is just a fear.

    And also I beleive this is somewhat related to my ex telling me we were going to get married and have children and then getting with another woman very quickly after we broke up.

    I know it happens but it really cut me up and made me feel low, confused and untrusting when it comes to men…

    Cus to me promises like that mean something.

    So yeah just a muddle of issues really!

    Lucy I have been following some of your posts too and generally it seems like your tone is more upbeat? It lokks to me like you are making progress too lady!

    I feel happy for you.



  392.  #392Ella on January 12, 2011 at 2:55 am

    Daria,

    I feel so happy and excited to hear about Security Man showing back up after all this time!!

    Siren power rules!

    🙂 xoxox



  393.  #393Brenda on January 12, 2011 at 3:23 am

    Daria!

    Is it raining men in your world?



  394.  #394Alicia on January 13, 2011 at 1:15 am

    FEMININEWOMAN –

    I love the quote by c.s. lewis.. It’s sooo true!

    Reminded of how putting up a wall doesn’t really protect you.. when you are inevitably alone behind the wall. It doesnt serve to have it up.



  395.  #395Katie on January 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Hi Rori, I was hoping you could give me a little feedback, I just finished writing my very first power speech and I was hoping you could advise me before I say something wrong and scare the guy off completely. I want a chance with him so much.. So here it is: I feel scared by how much I feel for you. I feel scared that I am feeling alone. I love you. I love the way you are playful with me at work, I feel beautiful everytime you look at me, I feel soothed everytime you speak to me in Spanish and hold me in your arms. I feel angry that we make love and you don’t call me. I feel ignored when you pay me no attention at work. I feel unimportant. I feel disrespected. I feel embarrassed for sharing all this with you when I don’t know what you feel for me, if anything at all… (I wasn’t very sure how to wrap it up) Not sure when exactly the opportunity will arise to give it. Hope to hear back soon. and thank you so much. Love, Katie



  396.  #396LonePlum on January 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm