The Foundation Of How To Express Yourself To A Man As An “Emotional Creature”

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This post started out for Jeannette, who’s struggling with a caretaking situation, with the physical illness of her man along with her own needs getting unmet – and then, as I wrote, I saw this as helpful for us all (this is how my marriage works):

How to start sharing feelings with a man when there are serious problems and you want more, without scaring him, upsetting yourself – or devolving into complaining and repeating yourself over and over again:

Pretty much – you establish a system with every single man you begin to date.

The mindset is the start, and that starts with the choice that warmth is better than cold – and that anything that shuts down your heart is not good for the relationship.

And that, although we ALL have work to with our perceptions, our thoughts, our attitudes that lead to our feelings – the path to getting hearts to open is to regard everything you feel as important information that has real value when shared in a way that feels like teamwork.

You start by sharing that you feel so many things. That, as a woman, you are an “emotional creature.” That being an emotional creature feels important to you.

You share that some feelings you feel – feel childish to you, some you don’t like at all and you feel embarrassed sharing – and yet you’re now feeling that the most important thing with all the pressure and challenges you face as a couple is absolute total honesty.  Total sharing. Total not holding back.

That when you don’t acknowledge and express what you feel, you start to shut down emotionally.

And even though shutting down and going cold often feels most comfortable and least scary most of the time, it doesn’t feel good for the relationship.

When you let your feelings sit, unexpressed to him, it makes things feel superficial, and you don’t want superficial. You want deep, and emotional, and bonded and harmonious.  You want to be a team.

Even when one of you needs more from the other, you want to be a team…and for you, as the “emotional creature” on the team – it’s crucial for you to simply let him know what’s going on for you.  And as you learn to express yourself in a way that’s not making him wrong (and him, too, with you) – but that just lets him know what’s going on with you so he can help you with your emotional needs just by letting him know what you need!

And though, even though you know that by expressing your feelings it may trigger feelings in him that don’t feel good either…to you it feels important for that to happen. That it makes you feel bad and shut down and cold when you hold back sharing your feelings – and that the sharing and the feeling of a team is more important to you than what’s comfortable.

Notice this about the above – it’s a bit “rambly.”  I put the word “feel” in there as often as I could – the way I want you to.

It’s OKAY to sound “rambly.”

And…

1. Put this in your own words, and make it make sense to you in your MIND.  Yes, your mind. And then…

2. Put it into words for you to say to him.

So, the next time you have feelings and turmoil going on inside you – try writing them up and sharing them with him with the “speech” above as the foundation of how you relate to each other.

***Here’s a side note:  See the film “Groundhog Day” if you haven’t yet (it’s a classic) to get what I’m referring to here…

Emotions happen organically. Cleaning and clearing and clarifying and upgrading your emotional and psychological patterns is an organic process. Just because you find yourself able to move from anger and revenge through guilt and depression through grief and sadness to a feeling of oneness with all there is and a sense of love and compassion and peace – that doesn’t mean you now have an “automated system” for doing that!

Next time you get triggered – you may “remember” that you once processed feelings in that wonderful feeling way and got to the love and compassion and peace AND got great results with a man as a bonus – but if you TRY to make it happen the same way (the way Bill Murray does in “Groundhog Day”) – it’s no longer organic.

In other words – what I’m saying is that you’re going to bounce around, you’re going to be processing, sometimes it feels like you’re always starting at “square one” (when, in fact – there ARE no squares you can keep track of). And so – you don’t want to be REPEATING yourself to a man over and over.

Just because you pass through the same feelings every day doesn’t mean you have to express those same feelings to him every day in the same way! Now it CHANGES.

Now it’s: “Wow, thank you so much for hearing me yesterday and I felt so much better expressing myself to you and feeling heard, and I’m still bouncing around today with so many feelings…I appreciate knowing I can express myself to you, and now I’m going to go for a walk in the park and process all of this….”

AND – if he does something that triggers you the same as last time:  “Wow, I really noticed that I feel the same feelings now…what can we do to make this easier?”

In the end – a good man is going to ask you what you need him to do.  He’s going to ask for directions – for instructions. So – write about THAT!!!

You might be surprised that it’s not as simple as you think.

Or – it might be…”I need to feel loved and appreciated, and a phone call every day would help me feel that way. Hearing in words that I’m loved and appreciated and that there’s some romance here would feel great.”

We’ll keep talking about this…because this is where it’s all at!

Hope this helps you, Jeannette, and all of us.

Love, Rori

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515 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Jeannette I feel this “…”I need to feel loved and appreciated, and a phone call every day would help me feel that way. Hearing in words that I’m loved and appreciated and that there’s some romance here would feel great.” this sounds like great advice for your situation.



  2.  #2Rachel on May 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Quick question for any and all … my guy just missed a fairly significant anniversary on Saturday. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I feel like I should say something. But I don’t know how to let him know that it made me feel sad and unimportant without making him feel badly.

    If I say I feel sad, he’s going to say “why?” And then … what do I say? “Because you forgot our anniversary” feels like it makes him wrong.

    I always struggle with what to say after I say the initial feeling. Any ideas? Scripts? Help?!!!

    Thanks!



  3.  #3AmazingMe on May 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    I feel this way, great advice!!
    I want to be loved..
    I want to love him back…
    I want to be adored and cherished…
    I want to make my man happy..
    I want my man to want to make me happy…
    I want him to be there for me when I am happy, sad, for better or worse….
    I don’t need all the diamonds, the materialistic things some go for in life…
    It’s all replaceable and may at times make things easier in life when you have all that money, LOVE, TRUE LOVE is what would make me the happiest woman.



  4.  #4luzydel on May 30, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Something strange happened…People may think I am making this up maybe because this usually doesn’t happen to me.

    I am talking to this guy who I feel some connection…let’s call him NAVY guy, we talked all night last night and well even though I am leaning back on the expectations department I can feel connected, we will see once we meet.

    This morning I woke up to an unexpected message from “D”…I don’t understand why. I left him alone, he said he did not have the time to give to a relationship right now, so I got busy with my life and put him on a drawer so to speak. He said he had a dream about me, well I received the txt early in the morning it took me by surprise and after 2 hrs of deciding I replied. He wants to be with me again…All I could say was that I am a package deal and that if he wanted me, he has to have me all, not just the sex part of me but the real me, the woman. We chatted for a bit and again I am not expecting much of him. However I feel so weird, why now? I am starting to meet other good potential guys, I am afraid I end up stuck on him again. I am feeling confused. This is like a twilight zone of dating lol. I cannot go back to the same with “D” I can only move forward and he has to catch up or leave me alone.



  5.  #5JennS on May 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Rachel-
    You could just answer with another feeling message..
    If he says why?
    you can see how you feel in that moment and say it..
    for example you may say..
    I felt forgotten when I realized you did not remember our anniversary and it didn’t feel good.
    It feels weird and immature to say how I feel sometimes, but I felt sad that you forgot our anniversary
    It feels really good to be acknowledged and appreciated on our anniversary and I feel like it didn’t matter to you.
    I just feel sad and missed celebrating our anniversary togather and I feel weird reminding you, and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I just feel sad.
    something like these may be helpful..
    and other sirens may have better advice.. I’m new..!
    🙂



  6.  #6JennS on May 30, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Luzydel-
    wow.. well that is what I believe this work is about.. letting go and leaning bcak and starting to feel good with someone else and then all of a sudden.. boom.. the other guy returns..
    Funny a friend of mine had the exact thiing happen yesterday.. her guy who ended the relationship called and said he missed her.. she is already out and dating and knows that she is moving on..
    It’s the way of the energy.. you move on.. they come back.. sometimes..
    I am still in the moving on phase and certainly hope I can post soon.. a message like yours and my friend..lol.. I feel strong and less anxious and very peacful these past few days.. I don’t think about or feel that yearning.. sadness anymore.. atleast not all the time.. so you have given me hope that we can move on and the leaning back energy actually works.. 🙂



  7.  #7Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Luzydel I feel warm and fuzzy reading that. He might have felt your energy leaving him why he wants it back. All I can say is take it slow girl, continue CDating because he has to know you are the prize he has to work to win. Take the signals from your feelings. I feel so encouraged by this.



  8.  #8Daria on May 30, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Oh Rori… I feel so moved… This is so wonderful

    I feel happy to have a speech around the why of my sharing emotions

    Thank you



  9.  #9Daria on May 30, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Oh jennS I love your feeling messages for Rachel !

    You really got this girl!



  10.  #10Daria on May 30, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Yeah Luzydel ! You will not get stuck on him again, you have tools now, if something gets you down you will bounce back much faster…

    You can do this, you Are doing this… Welcome to the twilight zone



  11.  #11Jilly on May 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

    This feels perfect…just what I needed to hear couldn’t have been better timing…WOW



  12.  #12FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Ok, Sirens…I’m feeling vulnerable and lonely…and trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings…perhaps being a little hard on myself.

    Why am I reluctant (ok–who am I kidding here? I am TERRIFIED) to let this relationship just dissolve (completely) away naturally? He does most of the calling. If we see each other, I go there…mostly because I miss it so much. I miss my garden(s) and I still go out there sometimes when I know he’s not there just to putter around outside and tend to my ‘babies’ (I’m a plant/garden/flower fanatic and have many years and big dollars invested in the landscape and in the house.)

    Anyway—back to the point. Part of me wants to move on (not rush into anything—but to put him on the back of my horse and keep riding.) I know it shouldn’t matter–but because he says I’m the only one and he’ll never be with another woman, I feel like I’d at least have to let him know I’m dating. Maybe that’s wrong of me.

    Here’s what pis** me off today and has me feeling VERY much like I’m being foolish and need to do something (to make me feel better–not for any outcome from him.) I was gone most of the winter taking care of my mom and missed the city pick up for Christmas trees–(bear with me) and so my tree has been sitting on my front porch since the New Year. I’ve asked him several times if he would pick it up and take it out to the house to burn with brush, etc. He says, ‘Yes’ but it’s still here.

    I’m anxious to get my porch cleaned up and start putting plants out there (I live right on the Lake Michigan shoreline and it’s still pretty chilly here, but still…) I don’t know anyone else who has a vehicle the tree will fit in or I’d have asked someone else LONG ago to do this for me. I WISH there was someone else because I know it’s wrong of me to ask him/expect anything of him.

    So, today, I broke protocol and called him (He does most of the calling—99% of it) to see if he’d come get the tree. (He promised last week and didn’t show.) He answered kind of grumpy and I said to just call me back when he wasn’t busy (I wanted to get off the phone as FAST as possible–uncomfortable calling in the first place and then he’s grumpy.) So he tells me he’s over at friends’ of ours because he had to deliver a log-splitter to one friend and bring a lawn mower over to another friend. BUT HE CAN’T/WON’T come and pick up my stupid tree!!!!!!! (Grrrrr….)

    So….I’m disappointed and ANGRY (at mySELF) and feel like F-U to him. Am I stupid, or what? I need something like this to shake me up and keep me out of the “fantasy” of the past. And so what that he doesn’t want any other woman? He’s out there doing things for other people that he won’t do for me. DUH and a huge thump-on-the-head to ME.

    I guess I’m not really asking anything here–I need some Siren power, a pep talk, some Siren WISDOM, some Siren perspective. I’m already beating myself up, severely…I already know what a fool I am. And any of you who read this will wonder what my problem is… 🙁

    Thanks for listening…



  13.  #13Jilly on May 30, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Luzydel….you sound so clear and grounded..it feels beautiful and so sireny…yay!



  14.  #14LonePlum on May 30, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Rosa 192

    My sweet Rosa, you are doing so good, you are such an inspiration.

    May be the old Rosa keeps controlling a little bit?
    If she could let go, she would not worry. She would enjoy the moment and let the future be what it is: the future, so who knows?

    Let them do what they are doing, Rosa, no man would keep dating you if he was not attracted.
    You are judging women’s body, you fear that a woman with a scar is not worth love and can’t make a man’s penis look up. That is YOUR fear.

    Surrender

    Let them court you, don’t think in advance what they will feel for you

    They know what they feel NOW.
    They know they date YOU for the pleasure of your company.
    That’s something you can be sure of, because you are leaning back, they get nothing else but the pleasure of your company.

    They are hooked by the vibes.
    They might stop dating you for the same reasons they stopped dating before the cancer. The vibrations would not be syntonized.
    Or they might keep dating you.
    It is not about the cancer or the menopause.

    Before the cancer you did not have such quality dates as you are having now.
    If I am not mistaken about the type of men you accepted before the cancer, it tends to prove the vibes is what syntonizes us with good men, not a scarless body.
    The french “Amazons” tend to prove it is not the body with 2 breasts either that keeps or attracts love.

    Before the cancer you flirted with sexual innuendos, happily leaning forward. Yet it did not bring into your life a good man. You don’t lean forward anymore and look at the good men, following up and not demanding anything from you. This tends to prove flirting is not what syntonizes us with good men.

    You are afraid you won’t find your special one, but it is not related to scars and flirting.

    Surrender.

    When you feel it is the right time, the right circumstances and the right man, and the man leads you to sex, let him lead.
    Surrender, it feels delicious.
    Don’t get into his mind, judging yourself ugly or not good enough.
    Surrender to his own judgment. He is aroused because he wants you.
    As simple as.
    It is none of your business to judge that he has a real bad taste and if you were the man, you would not be aroused by your body or something. That’s not real, because you are not the man and you don’t know what he sees and what he feels and senses and smells and hears that pushes him to want to penetrate you.

    *He might surprise you and kiss you all over during hours and fall in love with your body right there.
    The only way to find out is to surrender and to let HIM be the one who works at taming you before he makes a move.

    *He might also not fall in love with your body.
    Which is a possibility that has always existed, before the cancer and the menopause. It has existed and keeps existing for all of us. Nothing new here.

    And it HAS happened that your body was young and perfect and the man who penetrated you did not love you and it was before the cancer and the menopause.

    And it IS happening for real NOW that better men are dating you, men who know you have had surgery. They know what it means, they have seen documentaries. They know and it does not change their mind. They are working slowly at taming you because they want a relationship, not instant sex.

    Surrender.

    One of them will tame you.
    It takes only one.

    You have more probabilities to be loved NOW than before the cancer and the menopause.
    Not because of cancer or menopause, it is irrelevant, but because now you lean back, you feel your femininity, you learn to surrender, and this syntonizes you with your type of good men you want, the type of men who can love you with the exact body you live in NOW and who will keep loving you while the body you live in keeps morphing along the years…

    xxx



  15.  #15Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 11:58 am

    RE I read this on you focussing on what he is doing.
    It triggers a memory of a coach who says don’t ask more than 3 times. I also remember Rori suggesting after asking just leave it there. Not sure if that applies here.
    You called him so it is normal he would not want to because of feeling of obligation is my opinion.

    I suspect he felt this “I’m disappointed and ANGRY (at mySELF) and feel like F-U to him” and might be afraid to face your wrath. I believe Rori would say this is dishonest, saying one thing with your words while your feeling is saying something else. I don’t know what your history is but is it possible he will tell you what he wants you to hear to keep you hooked to him?



  16.  #16Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Sorry meant “RE 12”



  17.  #17FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Yes…I know I was wrong for calling and I should just forget about him. I didn’t say ANYthing about the tree. I told him I was sorry for bothering him and he said I wasn’t and he’d call back later–and then volunteered the information about what he was doing. I just said, “OK” and that was it.

    Pretty simple, I know. I can’t shake this ‘feeling stupid’—and even more stupid for going on about it, here, where everyone “knows better.” 🙁



  18.  #18Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    RE 17 Best to do it here so you can notice yourself.
    “Stupid” is your negative voice you are noticing. Tell it to go sit in a corner and shut up.



  19.  #19Rachel on May 30, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    JennS … thank you! Those messages feel much better. Now to get them in my head before tomorrow!!



  20.  #20Daria on May 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Flower child – the only problem I see here is you beating up on yourself… You seem wonderful!



  21.  #21Daria on May 30, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I think it’s great that you are asking help w the tree! that’s very feminine



  22.  #22FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Thank you FW and Daria–I know I’m beating myself up. Somewhere—underneath several layers of optimism—I have this sadness/depression thing going on and I’m having trouble shaking it. Just when I think I feel better—the most insignificant thing can just knock me for a loop.

    Today was nothing I didn’t already ‘know’—it was just a reminder that what I’ve done does not work. And it’s not going to work—ever.

    Thank you for being here….I’m going to read up on older entries from Rori that “apply” to me right now.



  23.  #23Daria on May 30, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Working thru imaginary convos w my dad I got so far

    I feel ashamed not having money

    I feel like I’m letting him down

    I feel worthless not being able to contribute financially to the family

    I feel resentful to be expected to (like a boy)

    That’s what inuncovered so far! I feel amazed



  24.  #24Ella on May 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Hmmmm,

    I feel really full up!

    Just ate too much Chinese food! Lol.

    Its all good though.

    I feel really passionate.

    I really, really want to have sex! And just be passionate with someone.

    But to make that happen would involve leaning forward to a guy right now or crossing a boundary I don’t want o cross.

    Urghhh, sometimes I wish we didn’t have to wait on them… but maybe it is a good thing.

    I don’t know, just feel like I want to really feel connected to someone again.

    Haven’t felt that for so long!



  25.  #25FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    I hear you Ella…I really, really do. And my choices are the same as yours….

    I’ve been practicing this last week picturing my “the one” (not necessarily what he looks like) and the FEELING—how I’d FEEL if I knew he was coming to pick me up for dinner tonight—or knew he’d be calling me to say good-night or just to say he loves me. Or how I’d be feeling if we just spent the day together—knowing he’s really stepping up and surprising me…

    At first it feels a little crazy–but I’m trying to move away from feeling the lack–longing, pining, waiting, needing. I think that’s what I’ve been sending out into the Universe–and, so that’s what I’m getting back 🙁

    >>>”I don’t know, just feel like I want to really feel connected to someone again.”<<<

    Try imagining how it will FEEL to be connected vs. wishing for it. It took me awhile to realize the subtle difference between wanting it and feeling like we already have it.

    My goal for this evening is to look for the lesson in the last 12 years with this man. Why was he in my life? What was I supposed to learn—and have I?



  26.  #26FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    FW,

    >>>”I don’t know what your history is but is it possible he will tell you what he wants you to hear to keep you hooked to him?”<<<

    I missed this when I read your response earlier. This is very possible. And I do still feel 'hooked' to him.

    I think I need Toxic Men…



  27.  #27Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    RE 26 Does that mean you want to build a relationship with this man?



  28.  #28Lou on May 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Hi…this is my first time hearing about your series. I need help desperately. I have been on my own well divorced for the past 3 yrs. Havent really tried to meet anyone,but when i do get approached its usually by younger men, Iam 33 and the men that approach me are 23-27and yes its kinda nice but nothing ever really happens ,we converse and thats as far as it goes. Really i feel as if my happiness is on hold i have a 13 yr. daughter tht throws a fit everytime she finds out a men calls me or txts me or possibly come over to our home and sees me conversing outside. I when she becomes upset i end the relationship/friendship to make her happy and my family. Dont get me wrong she is a great kid, my ex was not her real father and he intented many times thru out the 8 yrs we were together to molest her, thankfully never inside her only on top of her clothing but still it was enough to tramatize her. i have my own home with my children but every time i try to express my openness to them about a potential guy interested in me i always am told to focus on the kidds tht they need me more now than ever, and up to recently i have become rebellious in a way where if now i speak to the opposite sex or show interest in a man i keep it very private and to myself. Not sharing or trusting anyone with my personal life if u will. i recently joined a on line dating thingy and have met a handful of nice guys ,really. and to my surprise the one that i am interested really wont give me much of his time or open up , but yet he seems the most attractive to me and yet i hate tht about myself. in my 8 yr relationship with my ex i always kept quiet and never spoke up but those days are over and i speak my mind, but for some reason with this guy i havent done so,knowing like Rori said he should know he is lucky to even have me interested in me. im here because i desperately want and need help to find my possible soulmate and for my daughter to be able to learn to trust again. if any of this makes sense to anyone i would greatly appreciate all feed back..thanku



  29.  #29FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    FW,

    Well, we had a relationship for over a decade and I’m not “over him” yet. I do love him, and probably always will. This is hard. I feel like I still have one foot in the relationship and the other foot is trying to take some baby-steps forward…

    He did call and nothing was brought up about the tree by either of us.



  30.  #30Jeannette on May 30, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Well, well what a coincidence. I didn’t even know this post was here and written in my behalf. Today I was sitting outside Steve’s house with him and I said…”I notice you don’t tell me you love me anymore when we get off the phone.” He said, “Well Jeannette, I feel like if we say it all the time it won’t have the same impact.” Then we started talking about his mother and he said that he and his mother didn’t say it to ea other often and he knew anyway that she loved him very much. I said I think a lot of it has to do with how we are raised. However, I didn’t hear it a lot either but I learned from going to church that we’ll never know if it will be the last time we’ll ever see ea. other and it’s important that we say I love you every day. He said well that is true. Then when I left his house tonight he said, “I love you.” So we’ll see. One weird thing that happened when we were sitting there was he started talking about the house. And it’s really his brother Rick’s house but Steve said, “I was thinking I just may take over the house ( when Rick passes) and put 40 grand down and then I’ll only owe another 40. I looked at him and asked, “You’re thinking about staying in the house?” The last we talked about it a couple of months or so ago he and I were talking about living in my house eventually. But then he said that out of the blue. He looked thoughtful for a minute then said, “Well I know we’ll probably be in your house but thought maybe I could rent this one out.” But sometimes I don’t know if he really is thinking about continuing on with me or not….just by some of the things he says. How could I find out what he is really thinking? How can I put it? Or am I just worrying too much?



  31.  #31FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Oh, Jeannette…if we only had the secret to figuring out what they’re thinking! 😉 Rori says we’re not supposed to worry about what they’re thinking, but I spent years with a man who didn’t say, ‘I love you’ often and didn’t talk about his feelings much…so I was always trying to figure it out.

    My first thought when I read Steve’s comment about buying his brother’s house was that he was kind of ‘dreaming’ out loud—thinking of what he wishes he could do. I think you’ve said he doesn’t have a lot of money (and $40,000.00 is a lot of money + another $40,000 mortgage to pay off.) Also maybe he’s wishing he owned the house so the rent would be income for him/you two. Is the house paid off? Is there any possibility that he might inherit the house from his brother?

    I’m not much help because I’m new here and because I’d be feeling the same way you are. I’m learning that actions are the only way to know what they feel or think—-and sometimes that turns out to be a big ‘ouch’

    It sounds like there’s been more communication between you lately. Does that make you feel any better about things?



  32.  #32FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    “I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same kind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of literature and speech and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.”

    George Eliot

    I love this quote… <3



  33.  #33FlowerChild77 on May 30, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    It’s supposed to be “I’m not sure you are of the same *mind*”

    Sorry…



  34.  #34Jeannette on May 30, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    FlowerChild 77, yes I feel better, well I’m sure Steve thinks about A LOT of things. I’m sure everything will come out the way it’s supposed to. I think men should tell us women often that they love us….but then again….for some it’s not easy no matter how much they care. Steve said he keeps a lot to himself. I think it’s because he gets criticized a lot from his brothers. He said he keeps a lot bottled up. Anyway, I hope you have a good night. I will talk more with you soon. God bless you FlowerChild 77!



  35.  #35Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    RE 29 Rori wrote a post that suggests that some time in the past it might be under love life. You might not be able to get over him.



  36.  #36Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Jeannette many men keeps things to themselves. Seems it is not manly to talk just like it isn’t to cry.



  37.  #37Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    I would take the thought about buying the house as his masculine side speaking. He might feel emasculated having to move into your house. I know guys who have done that but I also know guys who don’t like it because they want to be the man and provide.



  38.  #38Femininewoman on May 30, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Lou welcome. Sorry about the struggles but hopefully you will find help here. Read as much as the material as possible around the blog, that is what helped me initially when I came here.



  39.  #39Turquoise3 on May 30, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Just got caught up. Mel, glad you’ll be going to counseling, and I think it’s pretty standard for a marriage counselor to talk to each person separately. One thing, if you don’t like the one you get, try another. My marriage counselor said we needed divorce counseling. He didn’t even try to help us as a couple. We each saw him on our own a few times. It was my counselor that I saw after we separated who really helped me. I am so glad to hear you’ll both be taking this step. Sending huge hugs!!!

    Jilly, sorry to hear that it’s not turning out to be all you’ve wanted. I hope you won’t regret it if you tell him you want to see other people or break up, if he starts dating others. I am sure you’ll figure out what is best for you and go from there.

    The girls and I said goodbye to their dad tonight. Very emotional. It’s so scary thinking when you say goodbye to anyone, but especially a soldier, that it could be the last time you see them. We’ve been there so many times, but it’s still so hard. The girls cried a lot on the way home, but once we were back in our house, they got distracted by baths and school work, and thinking about friends.

    I saw Mike2 Thurs. night, Friday night and last night. He wanted to see me Saturday too, but I said no. My allergies are really bugging me and I didn’t want any company. He invited me again to meet his parents. He’s very sweet, concerned about me being comfortable and told me he wanted me to always make the first move physically, because he wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable. The fooling around went further than I’d planned last night, but it felt soooo good to be affectionate and romantic. I’m liking him more and more… but I’m afraid of getting hurt again, so I’m holding back, it’s only been a little over a week. It’s always so good in the beginning, I just want to slow things down.

    Mike1 called tonight, said he’d gone for a walk and was feeling down, so he came over and we sat on my porch and taked for about 30 min. A friend of his that he hadn’t talked to in a long time got married and is having a baby, so he’s feeling blue that that should have happened for him already. He feels he’s walked away from a lot of good relationships (he’s 36) and when I asked why, he said he just doesn’t really believe that people can make a lifelong committment. It was nice sitting and talking to him. I told him what was happening with Mike2, and he gave me some perspective, etc. but told me to be open and give it a shot. That he has missed out on love by being too cautious.

    I feel fairly blah myself. I’ve cried a lot. Tomorrow would have been my sister’s birthday. She passed away from cancer about a year and a half ago. She was one of my closest friends, and I miss her terribly. I’m glad it will be a short work week.



  40.  #40Turquoise3 on May 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Mel, clarification, my first therapist told us at our first appointment with him that we needed divorce counseling. We then started seeing him separately. We were arguing so much that he didnt’ feel we’d get anywhere with joint counseling. The problem was my ex would say things in the appointment like he didn’t want to be married anymore, but then when we’d leave he’d say, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t want to save our marriage! It was awful. That was over 2 years before we separated, but we didn’t see him for very long. I wish we’d found a new therapist when we moved to Texas. When I brought it up again, he said… we tried it. Didn’t help.



  41.  #41Turquoise3 on May 30, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Oh and one thing that Mike2 said to me that caught me off guard… when we were making out, I had my eyes closed and he told me to look at him. We were laying on the couch and he was above me, (dressed… we weren’t having sex) and he wanted me to look at him while he asked me if I was ok. I liked at it… and he used my name, love when a guy uses my name… hhhhhhaaaaaa…. chemistry is good. I found myself thinking though that even if I didn’t see him being the one, it would be nice to have a “boyfriend” for now. Which made me feel like a user.



  42.  #42AmazingMe on May 30, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    I am really liking the whole vibe on the blog…this is like my addiction coming home from work reading your life experiences and sharing mine as well! Do you realize yes i know life is hard and easier said than done…but do you realize the answer to every problem is to love ourselves and keep boundries. Success is taking care of you and yours, making your own success and making your own choices. wHEN it doesn’t work out you blame noone just use feeling messages, learn from it and move on. It’s LIFE!! YOUR LIFE, MY LIFE….call it what you will but if you simply do what is best for you and learn from your mistakes you are an amazing person and noone can take that away. Your in control of you. I love it that is what being a siren is all about and what it has tought me. So thank you so much sirens, I am a beautiful woman with so much to offer, and will not take crumbs, no matter how much you think you love someone if they are giving you crumbs, they don’t love you the same way put them on your horse aqnd ride out!!



  43.  #43Lucy on May 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Jilly, how long have you been with hotpilot now?



  44.  #44kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 12:30 am

    Timely entry, Rori. Thanx.

    I’m trying to feel patient. The other day, I f’d up on the docu. I forgot to turn a mic on, so we lost 10mins of footage. Yep, I got berated for it. I don’t know why I continually mess up when all I do is think about this docu, make lists of stuff I need to do for the shoot, and even bring that list while I set up.

    Yesterday was good. I didn’t mess up at all. Today an interviewee flaked on us, so we went to the gym. It nerved my bff hugely that she flaked. I was quiet and hours later, he’s still bitter over it. Finally, I said, “hey, i feel bad also that these people flake. but right now we’re at the gym and we’re gonna kick ass at weights and have fun.” He shrugged and was still acting bitter. I ignored him processing his feelings aloud and made sure to only respond when he mentioned positive stuff. Not sure if that worked, but when I dropped him off, he said he had a great day. I said thank you. OK SO THAT WAS 7 HOURS AGO, WHY DO I STILL FEEL NOTHING BUT ANGST AND A CLENCHED CHEST???!!! i can’t sleep.



  45.  #45kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 12:32 am

    Funny how my bff always gripes about women he dates as not being positive people and that their negativity effects his mood. Trying to chuckle to myself. Trying to breathe. I rarely smoke, but wow, even a cigarette and a walk hasn’t helped me.



  46.  #46kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Adam CALLED me 2 days ago. OMFG HE CALLED ME!!!!!

    I kept calm and let him lead the convo.

    After 15 mins of superficial fluff of ‘how are you?/great/me, too/glad tour went great/yeah and glad youre doing great too, kaitlyn…

    He said, “I miss you.”

    Whoa. Wow. Holy cripes. Is this man reading my mind? That’s how I feel. As you Sirens know…

    I told him, “I miss you, too.”

    He said he was worried I’d be mad at him for not talking to me for a few months. I said, “Nah. I understand.”

    Then silence. A lot of silence. I let him break it.

    More of the same above ‘how are you?/great/and you? really great. life feels good. work is going great.’

    I told him I wish we’d dated sooner so we’d gotten to know each other more before he left for back East. He said ‘yeah.’

    Then he said he wants to hang out when he’s back here. But he doesn’t know if he’s back temporarily or permanently, depends on work.

    I said nothing. I don’t know why.

    I know why. Because I felt afraid of sounding too eager, too tied into the outcome.

    I feel at peace he misses me. You all have no idea how much I admire, dig, and possibly love this man.

    We talked a bit more and I mentioned how proud I feel of him for accomplishing this tour he’s planned for years. He said he always remembered how hard I worked at our old job together and that he liked that. I told him thank you.

    More light convo then he said he had to go. I told him bye. In a sweet tone.

    It’s been 2 days. I’m starting to wonder if I should wait for him to call again. Or drop him a txt saying “It felt nice hearing your voice” or “It felt nice talking with you.”



  47.  #47kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 12:49 am

    ^^^above was my most inarticulate entry. but words escape me when i’m so happy i’m reduced to a 3rd grader getting her first valentine’s day card.



  48.  #48kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 1:00 am

    Boomer, I left a mes for you in #426 in the last blog.



  49.  #49kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Whenever my bff DO get along these days, it feels difficult for me to enjoy that present moment. I feel like ANYTHING could set him off. Rather that’s me setting him off or something/someone else. It’s like a storm is always nearing and I have to run for cover soon. My entire self feels clenched. I hate it.



  50.  #50Daria on May 31, 2011 at 1:20 am

    Kaitlyn you are an amazing lean backer



  51.  #51kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 1:23 am

    Daria,

    Did I lean back too much? And thank you.



  52.  #52Daria on May 31, 2011 at 1:23 am

    Kaitlyn – I feel angst clenched chest stuff when I stuff my feelings, they literally get stuffed in my body. Roris sensual meditation helps, and ‘complete breath’ breathing helps.



  53.  #53kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 1:25 am

    I remember on one of the long pauses, I told Adam ‘hmmm…I express myself better in person.’



  54.  #54kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 3:19 am

    I did make 1 mistake on the ph call with A. He complimented a pic of me he saw a few months back. I said ‘thanks. i was 102 lbs but i’m eating normally now.’



  55.  #55Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:50 am

    46:
    Kaitlyn!!

    This is great!! I feel so excited for you AND I think you did an excellent job. The convo feels soft to me, if you know what I mean.

    I would just keep doing what you are doing. Did A indicate when he was visiting?

    Nicely done, Siren.

    ~Lil.



  56.  #56kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 3:55 am

    55, A did NOT indicate when he is coming. Is that rude of me to ask? He said it was supposed to be this week but postponed it because he was sick.



  57.  #57kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 3:55 am

    i mean rude of me that i didnt ask?



  58.  #58Kyla on May 31, 2011 at 5:27 am

    I needed this post! I will put it into practice later.

    I feel so alone.

    Yesterday I’m with R and I’m feeling so good and open and happy. He brings up me moving back to Canada and that he’d told his mother his decision to move when he’d visited her earlier. She’s delighted for him and is so happy he’s found a girl like me. I’m just listening and leaning back as he talks and he’s telling me how he feels about me and us. Then he says, so casually, that he’ll be moving in February. My face falls and all I can say is ‘Oh… six months… wow…’ and he continues on telling me his plans. He’s looking at me the whole time and says ‘don’t worry we will make it work’. I’m trying to sink into my feelings and he asks how I feel about that and I answer ‘I don’t really know yet I feel uncomfortable’ so he continues telling me how he will deal with not seeing me, how he knows it will be worth it and asks me ‘what about you?’ and I just say ‘I don’t know. Its a long time. Half a year…wow. I feel sad. I will be ok. I just don’t know how yet’. We get interrupted and then its hours before we are alone again.

    We’re watching a dvd and he has me pulled into him and I let myself melt and suddenly this sadness comes back and overwhelms me, it feels like its too big to fit in my body and he can feel my energy changing and pulls me closer and asks what’s wrong and as I sink into the sadness I feel so alone. I will be making this massive change on my own, I will have to do all the moving and settling and organising on my own. Once I’m there I will be setting up my life on my own. It doesn’t matter that he will be on the phone if I need him, he won’t be there. For half a year I will be on my own and I feel so lonely. And so sad.

    I will be ok. I’m strong and I can and will do this alone but I don’t know how I feel about waiting.. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to feel uncertain or worried about what he’s doing or if/when he’s coming. I don’t want to have to do all this by myself AND wait for a man. I don’t know how to make this work and I don’t want to worry about that. That’s his job, the how’s!

    I never asked him to move, I never put any pressure on him. I made my decision and left his decisions up to him. I don’t expect anything from him, really I don’t. I feel pressured now though to be ok with his plans even though I’m not. I think I’d rather walk away than wait. That feels bad. I’m going to sit with this for a while..



  59.  #59Rosa on May 31, 2011 at 5:31 am

    I am wondering about “rambly”. Rori says “rambly ” is ok however I have had many times in my life when men have said things like ..

    “stop talking”
    “I dont need to hear that”
    “get to the point”
    etc etc etc etc

    One guy even got very angry that my speech wasnt “direct ” enough and he thought I was making fun of him somehow .

    I have felt that my feelings are like drivel sometimes to men, too abstract, too unintelligible and that I made THEM uncomfortable by stating my feelings.
    This was particularly so with my ex husband.

    I well remember being in a hospital room and terrified of impending surgery ..I tried to shelter in his arms and said ” I feel so scared, please stay!” ..he backed off and said “i have to go ” and walked out.

    I was left there alone for 3 days.

    Now I recall this neglect of my feelings , i feel tearful.I feel very alone.

    Whilst i hope most Sirens have wonderful experiences when expressing their emotional selves to their guys ,I find it hard to believe that too much “rambly” about my feelings is actually ok. I also recognise that emotionally able men do exist.



  60.  #60Kyla on May 31, 2011 at 5:33 am

    When he asked what was wrong while we were watching the dvd all I said was ‘I feel sad and I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I need to let this all sink in first’. He continued to hold me and kiss my head and stroke my arm and I cried a little bit. He text earlier asking if I would talk to him about how I’m feeling later so I’m going to use this post to help me work out some speeches.



  61.  #61Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Kyla just reading that and I felt like crying. How about just let yourself sink into the sadness and just cry. Life does not always show up as we expect it to. Who knows when you move the 6 months might hit him also as too long.



  62.  #62Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 5:34 am

    RE 60 Good Kyla.



  63.  #63kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Kyla, at least he sounds like he cares.



  64.  #64Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 5:39 am

    RE 59 Rosa could it be possible that it was the “please stay” that he reacted to? It might have caused him to feel pressure with the pleading/convincing? The stay could also have come across as a order? I don’t know. It is something I have said in the past now but reading it here it feels a bit off. Honestly I felt like running away just reading it. Is it possible to put yourself in his shoes and maybe see how it could be worded to invite you in? Please don’t take this as a criticism just as a creating of what you might have wanted then just in case you get the opportunity to use it again and maybe help someone else here.



  65.  #65Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Kaitlyn I am wondering if you stress response is confusion? I am wondering if you could deep breathe through those moments when it happens? I am wondering if you tell yourself that you are forgetful?



  66.  #66kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Forgetful never got anyone into the Canne Film Festival



  67.  #67kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:58 am

    65 i’d like to breathe during those moments but how when there is no time because everything has to be done so speedily?



  68.  #68Jilly on May 31, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Lucy…a little over 3 months now….whatchya thinkin?



  69.  #69Kyla on May 31, 2011 at 6:13 am

    Thanks Femininewoman.



  70.  #70Rosa on May 31, 2011 at 6:13 am

    64 FW I dont know how it sounded to him at the time .
    I actually was trying to look after my feelings for once and ask him for help.

    I was very ill and I reached out to him for comfort and support .I didnt plead or convince, castigate , nag or direct him. I opened my heart , laid my vulnerability open to him and asked for help to face the experience , “please stay” . He left.

    I had to wait alone for many hours before the surgery in a bleak hospital room in a strange city , terrified (I had had a major bleed and complications in surgery the year before ). I remember lying in the anaesthetic room in mortal fear and at the same time devastated as i knew he had just non verbally announced that my marriage was over.

    I am interested you felt like running away FW reading about that.

    I will leave you to imagine how i felt living through it.

    After I got home he wrote me a letter telling me the marriage was over but he couldnt leave as i was too sick and the kids were too young.

    In point form he offered forward planning options as he couldnt imagine staying with one woman forever He suggested we stayed married and had “discreet affairs” as his preferred solution.

    Thats just a little of my story, but the point I am making was that a womans emotional expression is not always acceptable to men , especially the men with minimal emotional wiring. You may as well be talking Martian. “Rambly” is not always appreciated either , in my experience.

    I am very happy to use FM’s however as a sorting filter to test out the wiring 🙂 If a man cant HEAR me and gets exasperated by a few tears or leaves the room if i say ” I feel scared” , or ” I feel sad” , well he isnt the guy I am looking for !

    Overall FM’s probably work for the majority.



  71.  #71Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:14 am

    RE 68 Jilly there is a tendency for people to only show their true selves around the 6 month mark. If I remember correctly you were the one who has CCarter’s FCTC? If so I would review it to see the different things that come up with doubts setting in.



  72.  #72Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Rosa sorry if I triggered you and just to let you know I don’t want to argue with you. It’s just that sometimes we express ourselves in what we feel is the best way possible but the person listening, maybe because they are in their own world, hears something else. Sorry about the icky feelings aroudn the experience. I am not trying to make excuses for him.



  73.  #73Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:20 am

    RE 67 kaitlyn I ask because so many of the coaches I have information from recommends. It helps us relax, reduce stress and calms the body. In 10 seconds one can take several deep breaths that can help clear our minds.



  74.  #74Kyla on May 31, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Kaitlyn,
    I F* up big time when I’m nervous and feel pressured and that I’m ‘expected’ to F* up. It’s like a self fulfilled prophecy. When someone is scrutinizing my every move and waiting for me to make a mistake I’m pretty much guaranteed to make one. I’m so nervous and panicky that I can’t think and focus fully on the job in hand. When I feel confident I wow people with my ability but if I’m insecure I just flounder. When I was married I would leave the front door open when I went out, I would burn the dinner or just forget to turn the oven on, I would be late or lose or forget things. I got a lot of stuff right but I couldn’t enjoy anything because I always let myself down in the most basic ways.



  75.  #75Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:25 am

    Kaitlyn I know this is unsolicited but I just noticed something in what you wrote in response to my questions. You did not directly answer them. One you responded to with another question. Do you feel annoyed by the question? what were you thinking when you wrote 66? I sense maybe “what a stupid question”? Please ignore this if you wish.



  76.  #76Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Murphy’s Law Kyla



  77.  #77Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:32 am

    RE 74 Kyla putting the shoe on the other foot, I am now wondering after reading those comments if that is what guys feel sometimes when we are focussed on what they do in the relationship. Wonder if it triggers their fears?



  78.  #78Kyla on May 31, 2011 at 6:53 am

    I think so FW. That is the impression I’ve got anyway from listening to men when they’ve complain about naggy wives or ungrateful girlfriends in the past.. That when you feel like whatever it is you do, it will be wrong or not good enough, you decide to do nothing or walk away. Its discouraging when you feel doomed to failure no matter how hard you try so you just don’t bother. I believe that’s why ‘be surprised’ is so important.. you’re letting go of expectation, good or bad, and giving them a chance to step up in their own way.



  79.  #79LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Kaitlyn 44 and etc…

    Drink lost of water. If your body is dehydrated, it thinks it is going to die and it sends you the anxiety signals for you to rescue it.

    No alcohol, it is sugar, it messes up sugar blood level and dehydrated your body even more, which rises anxiety and the sense of emergency.

    No caffeine, of course.

    When anxiety hits you at bed time, drink water and eat a slice of non fat meat like chicken white meat with a slice of french bread (no sugar or fat in the making of french bread). It stabilizes the sugar blood level. Not only you fall asleep nicely but you wake up nicely, with no anxiety to start the day. It should stop the waking up in panic at early hours if you ever experimented this.
    In the worst time of my life I also took magnesium. It works wonderfully. You have to wait a couple of weeks before you feel the improvement with magnesium but it works.

    The mind can’t focus and learn either when you deal with sugar blood level and dehydration. It might explain your clumsiness at work lately. You might want to check with a Doc for diabetes.

    In any case, eat smaller meals but more often along the day to keep your organism stabilized. Raw vegetables, proteins etc.. I am sure you know. Eat breakfast and drink water before you go to work. Bring protein and water to take during breaks at work.

    When your thoughts are causing anxiety, tweak them into excitement. You are anxious to do wrong at work, is also means you are excited to do new exciting stuff that will turn into a better life when you master it.
    “What if I never learn and my bbf stops taking me aboard?” (for example)
    Can also be:
    “He IS taking me aboard, actually.
    We are a team, he needs me or else he would not bother.
    He is getting something from my presence, be it the part of the work I actually really do and the use of my car, the gasoline (if he does not share the cost) and my agenda with all the interviewees phone numbers.
    I am bringing my part, he needs me as I need him.
    I am going to eat smaller portion and more often during day time, I am going to embrace my sensation of anxiety and feed it with protein and water and more oxygen and everything is going to work out fine.
    Well it is working out fine so far.
    We got banked in the computer lots of films and interviews, all it takes is to keep doing it.
    The anxiety feeling is not going to kill me, even if it feels like a heart attack. It is the same sensation when I pay to go on a roller coaster.
    IT IS A SENSATION.
    It is only my body telling me it thinks I am at danger, but I know better, I am not at danger.
    I take a deep breath, I expand my stomach when I inhale while I keep working, I let go my body while I keep concentrating on my work. And I trust I am safe, right NOW, doing my share NOW.
    When I feel it again at night, I don’t believe the sensation, I embrace it smiling, I know it is excitement from thinking of Adam, excitement about the future, the sense of emergency. I check my food intake and I remind myself there is no emergency right now. Adam is not going anywhere, I will meet him when it is time to meet him. As for me, I am safe in my flat NOW, all is fine, and I have a place to go to work. Tomorrow will be another day, we’ll see what challenge it brings and we’ll attend to it as I always have. One day at the time.”

    xxx



  80.  #80Kimberly on May 31, 2011 at 8:18 am

    I feel so invigorated. I practiced leaning back and sinking this weekend and I got asked for my number by one guy and another night a man bought me a drink just because I was behind him in line at the bar. I haven’t tried feeling messages yet because I mostly feel awkward and uncomfortable, but baby steps. I had a fabulous weekend!



  81.  #81Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Kaitlyn:

    Hey, I had not seen that response, so thanks for mentioning it.

    Regarding:

    “A bf of mine long ago said that. My response: “babe, i had an amazing evening. but look, i could eat peanut butter sandwiches in the gutter with you and still feel like the luckiest girl alive.” That seemed to make him feel happy.”

    Hmmm. OK, I know I got some push back on the last thread from Sirens identifying with men and the costs of dating. I suppose what I perceive as “cheap” men is a trigger for me. No, I don’t suppose anything….I KNOW it’s a huge trigger for me.

    As an over-functioner, I had a habit of doing everything for men and actually being more like a man than a woman, and that included paying. Both former “Mr. Boomer”s and my one relationship man since being single were not men of means. In all three cases, I made much more money. I was very generous with it as well.

    And we all know now how to avoid the pitfalls of over-functioning….and I no longer think of myself as needing to pick up a check or pay or buy our way…but with those three men, I did over-function with money. I am very sensitive to engaging with men now who seem to be of limited means…or worse,,,who seem “cheap” or lacking in generosity. I’m kind of with Tinque here: lacking in generosity or showing cheap behaviors with money is a red flag for lack of generosity elsewhere (affection, time, attitudes).

    I’m not sure I’ve met anyone yet, Kaitlyn, in this go-round of dating under the new Rori Way, who I’d simply be happy eating peanut butter sandwiches with on a first or second date. I don’t require huge financial outlays from a man on an ongoing basis–but an honest effort to make a lovely date for us (and in this day and age and at my age…that usually means some spending is required)–but I also don’t want a man planning something nice for us and then moaning about it later.

    I’d love to meet a man I could be happy eating the sandwiches with if he were kind and generous with time and affection and did not expect me to feed him the other six days of the week.

    It’s like what my pal Annie Clyde calls “the cute tax”: there’s a cost associated with being with a lovely woman. She says it tongue-in-cheek, but it’s the advice she gave to her son when he complained about his girlfriend being expensive.

    So, yeah, “cheap” is a big trigger for me. I let it pass with BoyScout and I will continue to if we keep seeing each other, because I think he is generous of spirit overall and was just a little in over his head with the date he planned for us. But I will not stick around with any man who complains about treating me in the early stages of dating.



  82.  #82Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Oh, and what I think realllllly made me feel terrible about BoyScout mentioning the cost of our date was how sincerely appreciative I was for the effort and the wonderful time. Maybe that’s what scared him…that I was wowed and he felt he could not keep up that level of “wow” for me….I’m willing to see that and have compassion for his position. But I very much did what a Siren is supposed to do: receive from a man and be open and gracious and respectful and appreciative.

    I felt a little stunned at that not being enough for him, when men will say all they want is appreciation and respect from a woman. Is there a caveat there…that she has to be a cheap date too???



  83.  #83Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 9:27 am

    re 82 Boomer some men and just better than others. Plus our values around money is something that needs to be compatibility, in my opinion. Otherwise it will always be a bone of contention when you want to eat shrimp and he feels the family can only afford chicken back.



  84.  #84Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 9:27 am

    82:

    One of the CD’s I had, Boomer, made it clear to me how he didn’t like the outlay of cash in the early stages of dating. In fact, he said it before we ordered appetizers. He indicated that only after he was in a exclusive relationship, would he take out his wallet for the whole deal.

    I ordered one beer, no chow and left shortly after, never to see him again. He did offer to share his appetizer with me but I believe he would have asked me to split the bill with him. He did pay for my beer. I refused to reach for my wallet at that point.

    I don’t expect nor require a huge outlay of moolah but the bulk of this man’s conversation with me, even after his statement, was surround his financial status. I was grossly turned off. I don’t even remember the FM I used, but he “mocked” me later on and said to whatever we were talking about… “how do you feeelllll about that”?

    Over and out.



  85.  #85tinque on May 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

    kaitlyn – just want to say YAY!!! I feel so very happy for you. NOW, relax and enjoy. Try not to reach out for him unless he reaches out first.

    as for bug up his butt boy, he has you SO scared you’ll mess that of course you mess up. again try to relax as much as you can. I know, not so easy, especially in a situation such as this. keep breathing and not allowing the jabs to get to you.

    I think you’re doing fabulously…

    xxoo



  86.  #86tinque on May 31, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Lilybelle and Boomer – My question with these cheap dates, mostly about the ones who are just being stingy but also to the ones of limited means is this. What ever happened to creativity? There are SO many fun things a man can easily find to do which cost nothing or very little, concerts in the park, art galleries, a picnic, a walk on the beach, art shows, craft fairs, and on an on. Hello guys…check out the internets, you know that thing that has all the buttons, that thing you spend so much time on?

    xxoo
    xxoo



  87.  #87Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 10:12 am

    RE 85 Tinque I laughed so hard I almost fell off the chair. That’s the first I am seeing that side of you.

    I absolutely love sitting on the beach.



  88.  #88tinque on May 31, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Happy to make you laugh FW. I make K laugh all the time. And sorry for the typos. It’s really humid today, making the buttons on my thingy stick.

    I think I may be getting myself into trouble here. Double entendres.

    xxoo



  89.  #89Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 10:55 am

    86:

    LOL!!! That is funny stuff, Tinque!



  90.  #90Daria on May 31, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Hello morning… You are noon! I love you.

    And I love me, relaxing my shoulders, tummy and vagina

    Pussy pussy pussy

    I still feel scared and excited to write pussy



  91.  #91FlowerChild77 on May 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    FW..thank you for sharing this. I feel a little selfish right now, but I’m going to go “study” the blog starting with ‘Breakups’ and see what I can learn…



  92.  #92JennS on May 31, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Lillybelle-
    OMG.. re:your Cd who was so rude..
    wow.. that is actually one of my concerns with FMessages. that they will sound so over the top too much and then a response like that guy..”how do you feel about..” will come out..
    yuck.. I felt so yucky reading about your experience..
    yuck…
    onward and forward to better men!



  93.  #93Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    FW, thanks…yes, some men just ARE better than others. Lillybelle, how horrible. Good thing you got away! I had a second date with a man this past fall who, as the check was coming at an expensive place of his choosing (and where he ordered the bulk of the meal and alcohol–AND after I’d driven to him), asked me if current dating protocol was for the woman to pay sometimes. I laughed and said, “Oh no….never.” He seemed…irritated, but he paid. He seemed to think that after being out of the dating life for 23 years, he had missed some big change in the sexual politics, but I assured him that it’s the same as it ever was: men ask women out, men pick the place, men pay, women are appreciative and open-hearted. Evidently, his ex was quite well-off and came from money and he was something of a kept man. We went out two more times, and he always “teased” me about paying, but I made a mental note to keep an eye on his generosity factor. We are still “friendly,” but there were no more dates.

    And money IS a huge point of compatibility, FW. I know myself pretty well around this point–I know I will not support another man financially ever again. I will take being alone FOREVER before ever allowing a man to rely on me financially ever again. (Enough “evers?” Hee.) Being decimated financially for love of a man and clawing my way back for love of myself twice was enough for a lifetime.

    I feel really good about my desire for a generous and financially capable man.



  94.  #94Daria on May 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Thank you Daria for contacting a photographer to take pictures of me.

    Thank you for giving me yummy chocolates.

    Thank you for going to get me apple cider vinegar.

    Thank you for uploading my iPod.



  95.  #95Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    JennS:

    FMs feel weird at first, yes, but you get used to using them.

    I am not that good at them yet, and I’ve been trying them for many months now. So I choose times where they seem to be easy to use and most natural: when I really, really, really am feeling something and I can pinpoint what it is, when someone asks “how are you feeling” or “what do you think?”, and when the stakes aren’t really all that high and sounding “weird” won’t be too noticeable.

    Also, if a guy is going to mock the way you speak, like Lillybelle’s date, then….wow, what a jerk, right? You should be thankful that he revealed his true colors before you got any further with him.

    Just keep practicing. I was a real holdout on the FMs…I was so uncomfortable using them despite the fact that I was doing all the other Rori things, but the FMs really are important.



  96.  #96Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    RE 93 I am with you on that one Boomer.



  97.  #97Leo on May 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I just got a big lesson in…. “it’s not about me”
    BIG lesson…

    I was a little sad lately for my man’s mind was often somewhere…but nott with me. And i missed little cute messages. Well, I leaned back (most of the time).
    And tonight I was “minding my own business” leaving him alone over IM. I am okay… and if he doesnt wanna step up…well be it. But a little sad I was anyways 😀 Couldnt help it.

    So then I just send him a “going to bed now” via IM. I missed talking to him and in the next few days so much is coming up i wanted to have planned and sorted out… (dont like being spontanous that much in important matters).
    You’ll prolly ask…where is this going. Good questions…i just got so much stuff in my head right now. I apologize.

    So a second after sending my message I was looking at facebook. I am not very involved with this and posting there. But a friend had posted about a racing bike race on thursday.
    Then I read the comment of my man…
    “My love and I will participate there”.

    Gosh….could somebody stamp this into my head… like “not about you”.
    I mean… would he have written this there if he wasnt feeling it for me?!
    He just has stuff on his mind. I get it 😀

    Thanks to the post :D:D

    Greetings to all of you! Keep up the good work!

    -Leo-



  98.  #98Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Tinque, I love a creative date. If I accept a date with someone I know has limited means, I am a huge fan of creativity and romantic walks, etc. But if a guy is a prominent lawyer and dresses in Armani and drives a Mercedes, I’m going to wonder by a third date why we’re still walking through the woods or eating hot dogs at the dog park.

    That’s been the case for me a few times.



  99.  #99Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    My boss once told me leave my feelings at home. I told him that I felt insulted because my feelings are a part of my body and I can’t just choose to leave them at home and come to work. He never used that to me again.



  100.  #100Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    FW, re: 82: Especially when my income is paying for the groceries…and when I’d have been eating shrimp even without him…

    You make me laugh 🙂



  101.  #101Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    FW, I give you credit for using FMs at work. I would be terrified to do it. I AM terrified. I have not tried it yet. I work in a really patriarchal, conservative company. I can see almost NO opportunity to use FMs there.

    Where, when, how do you do it? And other than your boss’s reaction, how has it gone for you?



  102.  #102Ella on May 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Housemate has not been home for 3 nights. And was out the night b4 that.

    So I am pretty much living in a huge house on my own…

    I hated living on my own when I was in the city… not sure how I feel about it now.It sure wasn’ my plan.

    Part of the atraction to this place was the fact that it was a shared house.

    I feel kinda lonely.

    Although I can hang out at my parents a bit… or go to the pub (but trying to avoid that a bit at mo).

    Ho hum, maybe it is good practice and reflection time…

    Feel lonely though.

    But will appreciate the me time.

    Yes need to practice feeling as though it is already happening (having my man and people around me) and in some ways it is.



  103.  #103LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    300: Femininewoman says:
    ***RE 297 Ooohh Loneplum I almost get orgasm just reading your writing. ***

    Want a smoke, Babe?
    lol

    xxx



  104.  #104Ella on May 31, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Well I can kinda feel me getting back to being the positive me I was just a week or so ago…

    Starting to feel good/ok again.

    Somehow have been feeling slightly panicky atm, think mostly due to financial issues and feeling panicky… but I am finding some ways to deal with that.

    Can’t help thinking I am on the verge of something really great in my life in terms of if I can just keep the focus on me, stay relaxed and focus on what feels good, that things will fall into place for me.

    Like Rori was saying about taking that sense of peace and calm with her… a state of being stress free, like a vacation, as a choice for daily life.

    I am working on that.

    So much tied in together.

    And there are a few challenges for me now. And if I can see the positive side and keep on my horse I think that I could find myself in the life I visualized for myself a while ago…

    Which has always felt really good.

    Need to get back to some more visualizations of what feels good, and start acting as if, feeling connected and manifesting!



  105.  #105Ella on May 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Quick question Sirens,

    If one of my CDs doesn’t have much money atm… and neither do I, and he has made it clear that he wants to see me and take me out, is it ok to suggest that he can come and hang out with me here at my house?

    It would be super convenient for me… and I have been feeling really lonely so would take care of one of my needs…

    And yet I am worried about not being ‘expensive’ enough. Ie he doesn’t have to wine and dine me so he won’t value me as much?

    I feel confused.



  106.  #106Jeannette on May 31, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I don’t mean to pry into anyones personal financial situation but I’m working 2 jobs, paying my bills, THANK GOD, but I can’t hardly save a dime. It gets pretty stressful at times. How in the world can I ever retire? I am a 57 year old woman and don’t even have a good plan. I have an IRA put away but it hasn’t been very profitable for me. Does anyone have any ideas?



  107.  #107LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    298: Jilly says:
    ***Loneplum…so good to see you 🙂 ***
     
    Thank you, it feels good to read you. 🙂

    xxx



  108.  #108Daria on May 31, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Ella – I would actually say, I’m feeling lonely, it would feel great to have some company



  109.  #109Daria on May 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    trying to make sure to be “expensive” is like strategizing

    all that “high difficulty” is rather taken care of in the moment, with feeling messages

    i’ve been telling my cd’s i feel high maintenance, in that i want men to call me, and come to me , etc

    its not even about money and yet i still feel high maintenance



  110.  #110Daria on May 31, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    WOw FeminineWoman – i feel blown away

    i feel expanded in my sense of power

    amazing how that one liner that i heard is common in business, and tath i feel scared of

    “My boss once told me leave my feelings at home. I told him that I felt insulted because my feelings are a part of my body and I can’t just choose to leave them at home and come to work. He never used that to me again.”

    you just transcended past that by expressing yourself and changed the way you were respected

    that is amazing for me

    instead of feeling scared that someone “might” say that to me, i can feel assured that i can communicate my truth and it will prevail in my life – wow



  111.  #111Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    92:

    JennS~ The groovy thing is these types of guys barely even make it on to my horse, so I don’t even have to worry about slowing them down and letting them off.

    They are good practice.

    Next!

    😉

    ~Lilybelle.



  112.  #112Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    93:
    Me too. I think I mentioned once about the “boyfriend/relationship” I was about seven years ago? I think I must have been desperate!

    We were co-habitating. He asked me out on a date to see Mellencamp. The night of the concert, the people we were going with came to pick us up and while we were having pre-concert adult beverages, he informed me he was broke and that I would have to pay for the tickets.

    I was livid. This went on for a while…He would call me when I was away for the weekend (I got the ebie jeebies staying in the apartment with him towards the end so I would bolt) to tell me he didn’t have enough money for rent. He had plenty of money for music and things that interested him…

    I was one pi$sed off woman and finally told him that I was not willing to support his lazy ass and left him. Come to think of it, he didn’t like to have sex very much either. Foolish man. He moved back in with his parents.

    NEVER again!!!

    ~Lilybelle.



  113.  #113Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    101:

    They don’t work at my work either. I tried it last week on one fo the VP’s. He said, “Are you finished yet?” I replied, Almost and went back into boy mode and it worked out just the way I wanted it to.



  114.  #114Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    103:

    Lone Plum~

    THAT was hilarious! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

    ~Lil.



  115.  #115Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    113:

    I shouldn’t say they don’t work but rather, didn’t work with this VP I was dealing with.

    I use them quite a bit with the guys around the place. Most of them are open and receptive but are not working “above” me. I wonder if they find it “weird” because we have all worked together for years and this is a new way of me being… No matter, I will just keep practicing.

    Glad I thought about that a bit more…



  116.  #116Ella on May 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Hey Daria,

    Thank you.

    That is pretty much what I said in the end.

    I felt fearful and vulnerable and needy saying it.

    xoxoxo



  117.  #117Ella on May 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    From Rori’s e-mail newsletter:

    ‘A man will know, without you even having to say anything, if you’ve decided that you’re “off the market” and have “set your sights” on him (for a future together).’

    I feel such fear reading these kind of statements.

    Like often when I like a guy, I start imagining that we will be together. I often even imagine what it might feel like to marry him! And then I feel panicky because I worry about giving off that needy vibe.

    I am flipping this to ‘how great is it that I am so romantic! And I can imagine things! Woohoo.’

    Ow, housemate just came home!

    That feels nice to have some company or another being in the house.

    Think I am going to use my imagination for powerful daydream vidualization about my man stepping up and looking after me.

    Ummm.



  118.  #118LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    105 Ella

    I would not invite him over.
    It is leaning forward, it is opening the door for him before he even worked at taming you at all.
    If you are already tamed to the point you ask him to please come to you, to make sure you don’t lose him, why should he even bother to work at it?
    The most probable is that he will hope to meet another woman to tame.

    If he senses you want him at your place because you feel so lonely and you can’t wait for him to come up with a plan, he won’t feel special.
    He might think you tell the same to any passer bye. Hence he won’t see you as special either.
    If you are not interested at all by him, then be it, invite him over, but know that you would be leaning forward.

    But if you are interested by this man, let him come up with a plan himself.
    2 cups of coffee in a public place do not cost a fortune, unless he feels it is not worth it.
    You might take some interest at sirens posts. Tinque suggested economical dates on this thread.

    xxx



  119.  #119Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Ella – it’s really helped me to say out loud

    “i’m feeling needy” to a man

    “wow, im feeling so needy! i feel embarassed feeling this way!”



  120.  #120Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    ‘If he senses you want him at your place because you feel so lonely and you can’t wait for him to come up with a plan, he won’t feel special.
    He might think you tell the same to any passer bye. Hence he won’t see you as special either.’

    I feel worried reading this.

    I don’t see it that way at all…

    i wouldn’t worry about how special he feels,

    or that if i tell the same to any passerby what he would think.

    I think it’s great to say the same to every passerby… indeed this is something i practice, expressing how i feel to any man

    i feel lonely, and i am open to fill that desire for companionship from any passerby

    i’m special always, of course, by being me, and i assume everyone will think so, i am the gift and the yummy pie

    **

    filling my loneliness in the moment, is not the same as filling my desire to be pursued and romanced…

    so that is a difference i’ve noticed

    that even though i can soothe my loneliness by reaching out and asking for help in the form of human presence

    i still desire men to pursue me – this doesn’t seem to get fulfilled when i ask for companionship



  121.  #121Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I feel concerned too hearing references to feeling messages “working”

    the only “work” they are to do is allowing us to feel good that we have expressed ourselves fully



  122.  #122Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    i feel disconnected

    i feel unsafe

    i feel sad

    i feel tired

    i feel sleepy

    i feel nutritionally stressed



  123.  #123Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    i feel really disconnected from loneplum when i read some of her thoughts and it doesn’t feel good to me

    i feel sad to feel this way



  124.  #124Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    sometimes i feel jealous of the attention and admiration and appreciation i see expressed for her

    i feel compelled to debate with her

    i feel afraid

    i feel left out and invisible

    i feel abandoned

    i feel forgotten

    i feel not paid attention to

    i feel sad



  125.  #125kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    93 Boomer,

    I once dated a guy who said I should start paying to make up for how emotionally draining I was. I said since he’s there for me emotionally, I should be there for him financially. I like paying every now and then. And I like giving gifts. But not when it’s demanded from some manipulative mooch.



  126.  #126Daria on May 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    i notice myself judging myself for feeling this way

    i feel afraid

    afraid my group of friends will all leave me

    i have to “do” something amazing to keep them, keep their attention

    otherwise i will feel

    alone

    lonely

    i feel sick

    i love my feelings

    mmm i love my feelings so much



  127.  #127kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    I mean HE said.

    Man, I really need to start eating on a regular basis again.



  128.  #128Ella on May 31, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Loneplum thanks.

    And yet somehow what you are suggesting just doesn’t feel authentic to me in this scenario.

    I have worked it through and this is where I got to.

    I am not going to pretend that I don’t feel lonely right now or that I would not like some company, just in case this puts him off.

    I am not going to pretend I want a coffee date, I don’t, in fact the thought of that just feels icky to me atm.

    I am going to be completely authentic and say how I feel.

    He had already said that if he had his car he would come over to me and stop me feeling lonely.

    He also suggested meeting up to do something and there is still an issue of money.

    At this point I said that maybe we could do some stuff once we both had money again and if in the meantime he wants to hang out a bit at mine that would feel good to me.

    I don’t want to be lonely.

    And having a man come to me to take care of me feels good at this point.

    I feel like I am being untrue to myself to not accept a man to take care of me when I am feeling needy for love and attention, or to be insistent that it must be a coffee date or whatever just because I think I should want this.

    I don’t want this.

    I want a man to come to my house and hang out with me here.

    He will still need to figure the day, how to get here, what to bring, how to entertain me etc, etc…

    I feel worried of coming across as ungrateful of advice I asked for and I don’t mean to be.

    Maybe it is a bit lean forward and that makes me feel nervous.

    However it kinda feels like exactly what I need right now.

    Hmmm, I will wait and see.

    Maybe I have been too controlling, and/or not trusting of him to come up with a plan, and maybe not.

    However one thing I feel confident about is that I have been open and authentic and vulnerable. And I have expressed my needs in a way that feels like honouring myself, and not just doing stuff for the sake of it.

    I guess really for me that is what matters right now and nevermind about any outcomes.

    However maybe a good dose of leaning back and letting him take it from here could be called for and help things to feel really in balance.

    He still has a lot to figure out.

    And I still have a lot of focusing on me to do. And also plenty of CD-ing just for good measure so that the vibe is balanced… I want to say something about the Force aka Starwars! Lol.

    I am feeling playful.

    Loneplum hope I have not been dismissive. Your posts and input always help me.

    And yet sometimes I also feel a touch of disconnect with you when I percieve you as having quite a firm view on ‘the right’ way that things should be done.

    Ow I feel nervous to say that!

    Hmmm, I am definiely rambling now!

    Lol.

    Well lets just see what happens. And I’ll lean WAY back now.

    🙂

    xoxoxox



  129.  #129Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    121:

    Exactly, Daria. When I was practicing FM’s on the VP at work, it didn’t work, I felt horrible.



  130.  #130kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    103 loneplum,

    yes! i’ll take a smoke as well. if it’s brown, i’m down.



  131.  #131kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    hey sirens, it’s been 4 days since adam called me. that was his first phone call in 6 months. and he hasn’t reached out or initiated communication in any way since that phone call 4 days ago.

    what should i do?

    is texting or emailing ‘it felt good talking with you’ too leany forward?

    what are your suggestions?

    and, of course, i’m very interested in what TINQUE has to say. and i thank her for the congrats. you people here are the only positive reinforcement i have in my life.



  132.  #132Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    129:

    and in order for me to feel back on my work “game” (I use this loosely) I had to turn loose my boy energy and get the conference call handled and finished.

    VP had a plane to catch which may have been why it felt bad. I wasn’t being heard. I was being dismissed with regards to my opinions and feelings surrounding the discussion.

    I’ll keep on keeping on.



  133.  #133Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    131:

    Kaitlyn,

    Stay leaned back, girl. You are doing great!



  134.  #134Ella on May 31, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Yes I have been open, vulnerable and expressed my need.

    Now I will skip away to play in the Siren field and geto so distracted he will have to come and find me again!

    I love this push/pull.

    I know I am on my right track when everything drops into my vagina and it feels warm and fuzzy!

    I am going to practice letting him take control from here and trusting him to come up with something good.

    Very hard for me.

    Very good practice.

    And I will say what does/doesn’t feel good.

    I feel nervous, vulnerable and slightly cross about letting a man take total charge.

    And excited, a lil apprehensive and more excited.

    And curious, willing, ready to experiment.

    Practice, practice, practice!

    Wooohoo!

    xoxoxox



  135.  #135kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Lilybelle,

    I’m dismissed at work everyday. It’s either this or live in the gutter. I’m gonna put ‘Doormat’ on my W2’s.



  136.  #136kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    133 Lilybelle,

    Are you sure on stay leaned back? I mean, I can’t tell when he needs someone or not because his fb status everyday is a pity party.



  137.  #137Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    135:

    I know, Kaitlyn and sometimes, I feel so angry to read about how you are treated. I want to pull a totaly boy on him and ask him who the F(ck does he think he is to treat our girl with such disrespect.

    I still think you could explore personal styling.



  138.  #138Ella on May 31, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Kaitlyn remember it is not about him and his feelings.

    Xoxox



  139.  #139kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    I miss Adam telling me he misses me. He’s not the kind of guy to do that for no reason or be manipulative. He truly means what he says. Or he says nothing. Should I ‘reward’ him with initiating contact to him?



  140.  #140Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    136:

    I wouldn’t lean forward at all. Of course, you are talking to the queen of lean back. (I have a bit of a stubborn streak) Someone else may have other thoughts/ideas for you.

    I really believe you have been doing a excellent. And, I believe in you.



  141.  #141kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Ella,

    Then why do guys always complain their ex didn’t care about their feelings?



  142.  #142Ella on May 31, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Just reviewed FB message convo with my CD guy, and it feels fine.

    Lots of FMs from me, lots of solutions and take care suggestions from him, followed by a suggestion to meet from him, which I could not do that day.

    Then a suggestion from me that he could hang out sometime here and that would feel good to me.

    I think its ok.

    Love me anyway.

    Nighty night Sirens.

    xoxoxox



  143.  #143Kayla on May 31, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Okay, I need help!! So I have been hanging out with this guy and we aren’t dating or anything but we are friends with benefits I guess you could say. Well I really like him and about a month ago he stopped calling me and texting me, and I didn’t do anything to make him think I was chasing him, and FINALLY today he asked me if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and that he could come to my house around 3:30, well 3:30 came around and he never came over, he does this all the time and it really makes me mad. I want to confront him about it but I have no idea what to say. Can anyone help me figure out what to say? I really like this guy and I don’t want to push him away what so ever. And can you also give me some suggestions on what NOT to do? Thank you (:



  144.  #144Ella on May 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    Maybe cus guys love to complain 😉

    And they THINK they know what they need (pwaahahah, poor little luvs! Lol)



  145.  #145kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    I may have turned Adam off at the end of the convo when he said I looked great in a certain pic and I said, “well, i was 102 lbs. but i’m eating again.” that was an unconscious pity party on my part that i know turns guys off.



  146.  #146Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Yapping with a CD. He asked me what night I could pencil him in, I said Thurs.

    I am a bit nervous because the photo of him, he says is five years old but he pretty much still looks this way. He is bending over backwards and offered to take another photo and send it to me now.

    Five years..people can change a lot or not at all. I pretty much look the same (if not better) than five years ago…

    I feel ashamed.
    And nervous.



  147.  #147Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    I will go. I will be my charming, siren-y self. I will not ask him to send me another photo.

    I will be open and vibe-y and goddess-y.

    I forgive myself for my perceptions of my shallowness.



  148.  #148Lilybelle on May 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    He’s ten years older than I. Perhaps I feel concerned that he will be all “old” acting and feeling.

    Shame on me.



  149.  #149Island Girl on May 31, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Hi Kaitlyn- Please try not to worry about your comment on your weight. It probably registered more to you than to him. Plus, it’s in the past and it is what it is. Your conversation with A seemed to be really, really positive (I’m sooooo happy for you!) so, please – don’t psyche yourself out.
    It’s only been 4 days. I think that leaning back is the best idea. If you see something that really concerns you on his fb (as you did before), then contacting him (in the gentle way you did before) probably wouldn’t be too bad, but for now you are probably better off not initiating contact.
    I know it sucks, but it turns out so much better, doesn’t it? Just think about how much you wanted to contact him before – and see how this worked out? 🙂
    If you had been running after him, he wouldn’t be telling you that he missed you.



  150.  #150Venus on May 31, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Hey Jeannette , I hope I have the right thread. In response to your money saving question, I have the bank take a small amount out of my chequing and put into a savings acct. each week. It really does add up! most banks have a service such as this.



  151.  #151tinque on May 31, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Yep kaitlyn, lean back, and the comment about your weight, though somewhat of a cry for Adam to sit up and pay attention, take care of you in a sense, likely went right over his head, so please try not to fret about it.

    xxoo



  152.  #152Island Girl on May 31, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Tinque – I love it when you post. You are such a warm and loving presence and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you.



  153.  #153DE on May 31, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    My body feels draining…and heavy to carry today…
    My period started. That’ might contribute to my body sensations…
    I also sense sadness…and loneliness…
    I feel tearful…I have cried on and off throughout the day
    I seek companionship, affection and love…
    I feel tired…I want to share the load of worries with someone
    Yet, I also feel fear…and that feels like tightness in my chest and shortness of breath
    I expand my breathing…and I burst into tears…
    I want to feel safe
    I want to feel treated like a Goddess always
    Oh Gosh, just realized…How could I expect to Honor, Appreciate, and Love the Man I intend to Call In for me…?
    If I don’t Honor, appreciate, and love the man/boy inside of me
    I am now, setting my intention
    To honor my inner Boy
    To stop taking him for granted
    I want to recognize, appreciate, and express love for his efforts
    For taking care of me…
    Very well, I might say
    He is the Man that knows me best…
    He has never abandoned me
    He always loved me
    Being strong and being vulnerable
    Being all that I am…and
    Thank you for All that U do…



  154.  #154tinque on May 31, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Island Girl – Your comment fills me up. Thank you.

    xxoo



  155.  #155LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    128 Ella

    ***105: Ella says:
    Quick question Sirens,
    If one of my CDs doesn’t have much money atm… and neither do I, and he has made it clear that he wants to see me and take me out, is it ok to suggest that he can come and hang out with me here at my house?***

    I read this as a honest question to receive honest points of view, different points of view according to each siren.
    I did not understand you wanted people to specifically say you should go ahead and tell him to “hang out” at your house. I sincerely did not get you were looking for a validation for a choice you had already made and you would feel upset that a siren would chose a different option than yours.

    I will go back to not answering your questions like I have done the past months. Getting you upset is the last thing I want and on the other hand I can’t lie and write solely what you expect to read. It would not be my point of view any more, it would be an hypocritical validation. I am going on my tip toe back to the ranks of the silent ones. 🙂

    xxx



  156.  #156Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Loneplum please feel free to speak up about any of my comments.



  157.  #157Daria on May 31, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Wow I’m feeling great!

    Thank you Daria for making me a green leaf and blackberry smoothie



  158.  #158Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Ella, I’m with LonePlum. I think inviting him over is too much too soon. Besides LP’s great points, I would fear that he thinks that’s another type of invitation.

    Public.

    Inexpensive.

    Focus on getting to know one another.



  159.  #159Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    RE 143 Kayla hi. You did not say how old you were but I personally don’t like “hanging out”. I suggests idly doing nothing which could give him the impression that you are not dating anyone else and just waiting for him to come around. I’d rather do walk in the park, on the beach or maybe roller blade in the park. Hanging out in the house could suggest sexual innuendos, at least that’s what I think.



  160.  #160Daria on May 31, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Wow I feel very protective.

    I feel super angry!

    ‘I did not understand you wanted people to specifically say you should go ahead and tell him to “hang out” at your house. I sincerely did not get you were looking for a validation for a choice you had already made and you would feel upset that a siren would chose a different option than yours.’

    I feel so angry reading this I want to smash your face in!!!

    I feel rageful.

    Breathe.

    I feel sad and afraid under that, like a ephemeral glimmer.

    Relaxing.

    Sadness.

    Reminds me of mom and dad.

    Yay for me for noticing!



  161.  #161Venus on May 31, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Does everybody have their comments modified or just me ? I always liked this very loving place It feels bad to be censored.



  162.  #162Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    125: kaitlyn

    I ran a boarding house for manipulative mooches for years it seems 😉 Hence, why I am SOOOO trigger-y about men and money. I should work on letting it go, because truly, no man can take advantage of me financially again unless I allow it.

    I can see perhaps paying eventually…if it’s a man I have been dating for some time AND if it’s something I really want to do and I invite him to enjoy it with me. I am a fan of giving thoughtful gifts too when the time is right, but no more will I put together $100 gourmet coffee baskets or buy $300 leather coats for anyone but a husband or life partner.

    I feel bitter about men and money right now. Yeah, I’m gonna work on that. I’d like to think though, that it’s me exploring my boundaries and that I will find some peaceful ground eventually.



  163.  #163Daria on May 31, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Who cares what he thinks! That’s his business!

    He’s just a man out of millions, a man that can help me soothe my loneliness.

    I can ask for company when I feel lonely.

    It would feel great to have some company.

    It would feel great to have my car washed. Can you help?

    Rori says man coming to our house is good.



  164.  #164Daria on May 31, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Venus – mine arent

    Comments go into moderation if they spell out Jes’us or Fuc’k

    Or have more than one link



  165.  #165Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    I think I finally shouted “I give up!” when my last relationship man gave me a colander for Valentine’s Day (and I had given him the aforementioned gourmet coffee basket).

    Yes, a colander–the pasta strainer thing. My daughter was there when he gave it to me, and ever the big-mouth, she said, “Really? That’s all you’re giving her?”

    This after he had mentioned taking me to dinner (he didn’t) and buying me an artisan bracelet we had seen together at an art gallery (which I never got).

    And he also gave me a sex card. We hardly ever had sex! Why a thoughtless, “funny” sex card?

    I broke up with him a month later.

    Ahem…OK…working toward getting over it…LOL. I really have not thought about this in a long time. Wow, BoyScout’s money comment really has triggered me!



  166.  #166Daria on May 31, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I feel excited to heal! Woo hoo bring it on!

    I feel smily and good.



  167.  #167Kayla on May 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    159Femininewoman: I completely agree with what you are saying, I just turned 22 and am pretty new at this. I want to do other things than just “hang out” at my house but I don’t know how to get him to come around more and actually want to do other things. The biggest problem is that usually when he says he is going to come over he doesn’t, or he makes me wait an extra hour or two before he actually does come over, sometimes I don’t wait for him but other times I do because it’s late at night and there’s really nothing else I can do.



  168.  #168Venus on May 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Femininewoman , I love sexual inuendo! It feels playful . It feels confident and strong to me. Some of your comments feel very judgemental . This is a safe and loving place !



  169.  #169Daria on May 31, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Wow all my intense feelings just melted after that, sigh that feels good.

    I don’t want to smash you part of me that feels defensive when your advice and help seems unappreciated… I love you and I embrace you! Thank you for being there for me!

    I’m here for you.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    RE 105 Ella what struck me in that post was that he says “he wants to take you out”. I would let him. Remember first impressions last. My ex tells me his father used to say “don’t start something you can’t finish”. Your suggest also imply “take me for granted”. I have been there and will never go back.



  171.  #171Venus on May 31, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Daria , thanks!



  172.  #172Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    RE 167 Kayla that last statement is telling. There is a big world to explore and much to experience. I would look for things to do if I were you. Have you checked up meetup.com? You never know.



  173.  #173Kayla on May 31, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    168Venus: I also agree with you, sexual innuendo is not always a bad thing, but that’s not my problem. . . My problem is, he says he’s going to come over but a lot of the time he doesn’t can ANYBODY help me with this? Thank you for your advice (: I really appreciate it.



  174.  #174Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    RE 165 I think that is great Boomer. What that triggered for me was Laughing Goddess’s cutting the cord ritual. That one you definitely need to recoup your energy from.



  175.  #175Venus on May 31, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Daria, by the way if I didnt love Me so much Id want to be you ! Young , smart and beautiful ! Its all good and so are you !



  176.  #176luzydel on May 31, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    today NAVY guy left – how easy they leave before they are really in. There was a misundertanding, something about me he missed readind on my profile, that for him was a “deal breaker”, I did not get mad I just told him that I am who I am and who ever wants me has to take all of me 🙂

    I left it at that…it is what it is.

    here is a poem I like…

    One Art
    by Elizabeth Bishop

    The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
    so many things seem filled with the intent
    to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

    Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
    of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
    The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

    Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
    places, and names, and where it was you meant
    to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

    I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
    next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
    The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

    I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
    some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
    I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

    –Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
    I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
    the art of losing’s not too hard to master
    though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.



  177.  #177Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Kayla, “hanging out” is not dating. I know college-aged people don’t really “date” in the traditional way, but I’d ask you to consider setting an expectation that you wish to be courted.

    The other thing I would refer to from your posts is that you “want to get him to do” something. Sirens do not strategize for a desired outcome. We are fabulous and amazing and busy and focused on ourselves…which draws men to us. But not every man–this one may not respond to a mature woman focusing on herself, and therefore, he is not the one for you! He does not sound at all considerate or able to be what you want, IMHO.

    I wish I had know about being a Siren and valuing myself and all that Rori advocates when I was 22! Read and learn and embrace this stuff, Kayla. 43-year-old Kayla will thank you 🙂



  178.  #178Venus on May 31, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Kayla, He is a friend with benefits as you put it. If you make yourself available with expectations you may be dissapointed. I would tell him in feeling messages just how you are feeling ! Give him a chance to respond and go from there. I hope that helps.



  179.  #179Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    RE 101 Boomer I am all about experimenting. I have even cried in front of one recently. Something I had sworn against some years ago. That one jumped up and offered me cookies. Then he came back later to my desk trying to make me feel good. Ever since then he playful threatens to beat up another one for me.

    There is one particular guy one tends to consistently get triggered whenever I use it but I use it anyway. Last time I used it twice and he walked off saying “people around here are too sensitive for me”. He apparently spoke to another one who we are close with. He came to find out what was wrong. I was upbeat and told him nothing but I considered that our friend was in his head so I am not worried about him. He went and reported what I said to our friend who came softly later to ask me if I was alright. I consciously soften my vibe when I use FMs and I find most of the times it magnitize guys towards me. They physically move closer. It’s been an amazing experience for me.



  180.  #180Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    RE 177 Boomer do you mean “setting an intention”?



  181.  #181Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Kayla, I have an 18-year-old daughter, and I have shared Rori’s approach with her. AT 18, she has totally “gone Siren,” and is finding that she has lots of good young guys stepping up to take her out, treat her to lovely dates, and pursue her. She has lots of dates, which in high school can get you branded “a slut” pretty quickly, but because she is graceful and gracious and expresses herself in feeling messages (and not messing around randomly doesn’t hurt either), no one would ever consider calling her something so vile.

    I know you’re younger and guys your age tend to value very causal encounters and no-strings “relationships,” but I urge you to want something different for yourself. I guess because I have a daughter who is also a young woman, I am feeling motherly and protective over you!!!



  182.  #182Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Luzydel you sound so centered and different. You will get your heart’s desire.



  183.  #183Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    RE 181 Me too Kayla. My daughter is 14 and I totally agree with Boomer.



  184.  #184Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    FW, nope I think I met setting an expectation…letting this young man and others that her expectation for herself is to be treated as a prize. Maybe it’s a case of potato/patato…you tell me…did you react negatively to the way I said “set the expectation?” Is there some semantic difference in Roriland that I am not aware of?



  185.  #185Venus on May 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Judgment reigns supreme here lately. it feels really , really bad. Bad vibes and bad feelings. Didnt used to be like this.



  186.  #186Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    No Boomer I did not react negatively just wanted to understand what you meant. But now that you explain I understand where you are coming from. I thought you meant kinda like having an expectation for an outcome. I have an Interview from a coach who says “expectations are the mother of disasters” . I totally agree with having an expectation for herself to be treated as a prize. That was not how I read it originally. Thanks for clarifying.



  187.  #187Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    FW…I love our respectful exchanges 🙂 I value you and what I learn from you here.



  188.  #188Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Venus, you’ve mentioned your feeling about the judgmental vibe on here a couple times. Can you clarify?



  189.  #189Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Thanks Boomer, I value you too. I am happy you wrote that about expectations in that way I hope Kayla can find something in there to value for herself.



  190.  #190Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    From above:-

    “we ALL have work to with our perceptions, our thoughts, our attitudes that lead to our feelings”.



  191.  #191Daria on May 31, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Kayla – I have this come up for me too

    I practice being ok with whatever. I can’t control him. I also don’t wait for him more than 20 min.

    I will also practice with speaking up… ‘I feel… Uncomfortable sharing this and the truth is I feel kinda resentful that we make plans and there’s no follow thru or cancelation. I feel disconnected from you and I don’t want that. What do you think we should do?’

    If this is really feeling bad I can say no to him about coming over.

    What’s important is 1. To share my truth without blame

    2. To circular date so he’s not my only practice partner



  192.  #192Daria on May 31, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Thank you Venus 🙂



  193.  #193Daria on May 31, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Am feeling so sad reading glimpses of losing poem and feeling grief and heartbreak suddenly a image of getright joking

    Ouch feeling crying



  194.  #194FlowerChild77 on May 31, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Well, it’s been a great day. I made some decisions that I’ve been putting off and gave myself some ‘boy’ things to do. I was feeling stuck and very down. Now that ‘he’ (my inner-boy) accomplished things I’ve been wasting energy worrying about and helped me get unstuck, I feel pretty good and ‘lighter.’

    I ended up taking my loppers and pruners and cutting all the branches off the christmas tree and taking the trunk out of the stand. Now I have a huge pile of branches (and needles!) on my front porch—-BUT when I turn the light on you can’t see a christmas tree standing in there 🙂

    I made a big mess and probably should have “waited” (for what?) but I feel good that I did it. I’ll have to get those large lawn and leaf bags to put all the branches in. Probably two to three bags. Ugh….

    Ella, is this a man you’ve met before? I guess I don’t have all the details, really, but I guess I would worry about possibly giving the wrong impression by inviting him into your home, especially if your housemate is not home. I don’t know what Rori says about this kind of thing, but it’s always a good idea to meet new people (or people we dont’ know very well) in a public place. I’m just concerned is all…

    Lillybelle/#146–don’t beat yourself up. I’m kind of like that, too. I think we all are to some degree–you’re just being honest about it! 😉

    Kayla/#143—I think you should do nothing. (I’m talking to myself, here, as well.) If he really wanted to be there—he’d have been knocking at your door at or before 3:30. I would NOT ask him about it…especially when it’s something as personal/vulnerable as sex. I could never ask a man, “Why didn’t you want to have sex with me?” (Makes me cringe just to think of it…)

    And you say he does this often. I know you said you really like him, but he’s showing you who he is–it’s much easier on US when we believe it right away 🙁 I’m sorry. I know how it is to feel disappointed.

    Very strange weather here…this afternoon it was 47 degrees and windy. Thirty minutes later I opened the back door to feed the birds and it was a balmy 82 degrees! Now it’s very windy—50mph gusts and still 72. (Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have the heat on…so this is wacky.)

    Daria, glad to hear you feel good!



  195.  #195LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Thankful for what is.
    Do we have any other choice? Is there a single non stressful reason to chose bitterness and jealousy against happiness?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE
    ****“When the time comes, I’ll be able to hold her heart.”***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx



  196.  #196LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY

    ***If I fail, I try again, and again and again***
     Nick Vujicic

    ***It matters how you finish.
    Are you going to finish strong?***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx



  197.  #197LonePlum on May 31, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    http://www.attitudeisaltitude.com/index.php
    ***“A broken heart is a broken heart, but there is hope.
    I hope that through this book you will start saying that when the circumstance doesn’t change that it is still possible for a heart change. “***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx



  198.  #198Femininewoman on May 31, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks for that reminder Loneplum. Nick is a real inspiration your attitude does determine your altitude.



  199.  #199Boomer on May 31, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Bummer. I think BoyScount is ending things. Can’t say I feel surprised. Or disappointed really.

    We were chatting online today and he asked if he could call tonight. Here it is, 11:00PM and he has not called yet. He texted me to say he was going to call, but it’s probably too late and he feels depressed. I said, “I’m up. What’s wrong?”

    He texted he’s depressed about “money and dating, especially…I don’t know.”

    I replied, “Oh. Dating me?”

    To which he replied, “In part. Dating long distance. Dating when money’s tight. Dating around kids’ activities. I don’t feel right talking about this over text.”

    I replied, “OK.”

    He: “Can we talk tomorrow, please?”

    Me: “Sure, BoyScout.”

    So……OK, letting a nice man court me was a nice experiment. Truth is that I’m not that into him. And the money really is an issue for him. We’ll see tomorrow…I suspect he will be a stand-up guy and be honest with me tomorrow. That’s good, right?

    I still feel…disappointed.



  200.  #200T-Girl on May 31, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    199 Boomer, I feel your disappointment. When he calls tomorrow, make sure you use your feeling messages.



  201.  #201kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    I keep feeling triggered to when Adam suggested we exchange gifts at Christmas though he was long distance. Come 1/15, I still never received my gift. He said he felt turned off that I was so hung up on the issue and that I was unempathetic to how busy and chaotic his life back East is due to work and his dad. 2 days later, I told him about the Paris job and used the gift as one of the examples of him letting me down. It made him angry when I said it.



  202.  #202kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    I got him a gift. Rush mailed it to him in 3 days. No idea if he ever picked it up since it’s his friend’s po box, only his friend has the key, only his friend can pick up mail, and he said his friend promises to go to the box but doesn’t.

    Trigger also for me.



  203.  #203T-Girl on May 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    So today I got a text message from Sexy Older Guy who I now see was someone who I was accepting crumbs from (now that I have a “list man” to compare him to). He asked how I was and how my weekend was. I responded that my weekend was great and I hope his was as well. No questions from me to keep the texts going. I think he got the vibe I was sending because he didn’t text back. I had a huge feeling of sadness and disappointment in him now that I realize the crumbs I was accepting. I was ok with these feelings and let myself feel them. That is the first time I was aware that it was ok to let myself feel them.

    About a half hour later I got a text from Poker Player saying he can’t stop smiling and it is all my fault. What a great feeling 🙂



  204.  #204kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    TINQUE,

    What do I do about 201 and 202? I read your blogs about expectations vs being surprised.



  205.  #205kaitlyn on May 31, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Kayla,

    I agree with Boomer. And even if you just want an f-buddy thing from this guy, you still have to tell him you feel turned off by flakes and unkindness.



  206.  #206Turquoise3 on May 31, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Hhhmmm… well, I was having a very sad day today. (was my sister’s birthday that passed away from cancer) and after my conversation with Mike1 last night, I decided to let my guard down a bit with Mike2, and practice going with it. I think I want a relationship, he seems too…

    Anyways, He texted me goodmorning cutie! Which I replied you too, was just thinking about you. He wrote back Wonderful! How are you? We made small talk, and then I leaned forward to say, I miss you. He wrote back I miss you too. Then I texted him when I was leaving work early, and he replied. I said he could call me because I was driving. That was 8 hours ago, and I haven’t heard from him.

    I’m not disappointed that he didn’t call. We both have lives, maybe he didn’t feel like talking or got caught up in something. What I am disappointed about, is that I leaned forward and tried to be open and honest about my feelings, and he chooses then to be less available.

    Hmm… lots’ to think about, but i’m going to bed, and hopefully will sleep much better tonight.

    Goodnight all!

    Boomer, sorry about boyscout. 🙁



  207.  #207Turquoise3 on May 31, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Kaitlyn, I know you asked Tinque, but my 2 cents would be to leave the past behind you and start fresh. I would think about if I want him in my life, is it worth it to bring up that same old fight? What if he didn’t get the gift? Is that worth not rekindling something now? I know that is easier said than done, but sometimes if we can really truly let things go, we are much better off. That is the only way my ex and I have been able to get to the place where we are now. We forgave each other for a lot, and you eventually have to forget too if it’s something that is painful for you. Just try not to think about it, and move forward.

    I think you are doing great! 🙂



  208.  #208luzydel on May 31, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Some times we have to let go…I remembered something in RR’s ebook that say about not controlling – something about opening your hands instead of closing a fist. I felt disappointed that NAVY guy did not read my essay about my beliefs and what I wanted for me (and I expressed those feelings). I feel flattered that he was mesmerized with my pictures that forgot to read the small print. I feel good because I did not seek his aproval like I used to do before with men, it was a good practice after not dating for three months.
    “D” said that maybe we will meet on friday lol again here he comes with the maybe…I said that maybe doesn’t work for me anymore, that I wanted more reasurance and a set time and confirmation. I can sense he knows I am not afraid of “loosing” him again.



  209.  #209Lucy on May 31, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Jilly – I was just wondering… thinking about how at first things were so great w hotpilot… and I wonder how do you Ever know for sure?… if things are great for 3 months, maybe they start to turn at 6. Or maybe they’re still great for a year, and then some dealbreakers show up…. And then there’s the Soulmate Secret author who got engaged two wks after mtg her guy! I just feel kinda sad thinking about this.



  210.  #210Nikita on May 31, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Dear world,

    I had another date and I’m happy to report that the men are “showing up”. They may not be “the one” but they are chivalrous and intent on “entertaining me”. They effort to be attentive and “protect” me from the world at large. I get the distinct impression that they want to see me smile. Thank you universe.

    This is getting easier. I’m learning to lean on my intuition more in reference to this. I believe the man when he says he wants a partner.

    But, I am also learning how much I want to share my personal brand of spirituality with my “one”. I want us looking in the same direction. I want to share a center. I want to cast my eyes on what is good…….I do not want to convert the jaded, save the cynic, or reform non believer. I want him ready made, cut from the same cloth……because it’s been too long that I have walked through the desert……I see the shore and I’m ready to drink from the springs.



  211.  #211AmazingMe on May 31, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    SIRENS NEED ADVICE…The man I am in love with but leaning way back, Well I used a feeling message and just said I miss hearing from him lately on phone. wELL i guess i leaned forward but this man knows how I feel about him and we text daily, a lot of times he intiates sometimes I just say hello. We may talk more but anywaYS WHEN I told him that I missed hearing from him he said well you should call me more often. I responed yes I could and he could call me as well. Well WHAT DO I DO >>>DO I CALL HIM???????? Please help I don’t know if I should call him or not. We are not together but there is connection and I believe he knows what I want in life regarding What I want in relationships. TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL!!!! HELP!!! suggestions pretty please???



  212.  #212Daria on May 31, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    OMG i just redid my POF profile and I’m receiving like 20 men already and some of them are SO CUTE! wooo hooo feeling excited



  213.  #213Lele on May 31, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    I allowed and it was wonderful. The man was kind, funny, generous, intelligent. The man does not want long term but I opened without expectation and I had more fun and good feelings than ever. I surrender and let go. Glad I have met him, that I Iet myself meet him. A few tears shed for possibilities that are to never be but I feel wonderful, strong, flexible, happy even in the tears. Perhaps I finally am getting this.

    I love me. I am love. I am the prize. I am grateful for the abundance that is my life. Thank you for the opportunities to learn, to see more clearly. Thank you for the health, support, universal love that flows to and through me. Thank you for the easing of the pain triggered from past events. Thank you for the healing that is flowing within me now. I am the succulent treasure that my soul mate is seeking.



  214.  #214Lucy on May 31, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    I have found that many men who continue to spend a lot on dates and gifts 1) live above their means and are in debt, and/or 2) “buy love” because it is easier for them than spending time and attention and intimacy and creativity – so easy to throw down money and make a big splash, so hard to really have a relationship, and/or 3) are focusing on making a good impression to “hook” you and will totally slack off once you are theirs… I would be happy eating a PBJ with a loving and fun man on a date.



  215.  #215Lucy on May 31, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Nikita, I so hear you about the spiritual compatibility. I feel so blessed to have one now who fits with me spiritually in an amazing, incredible, breathtaking way… so much magical synchronicity btwn us too. It feels divine.



  216.  #216Lucy on May 31, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    At the very least, we are “soulmates for a season” and I am so grateful!



  217.  #217Nikita on May 31, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    Soulmates for a season……I’m feeling a Grin coming on



  218.  #218Nikita on May 31, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    Goodnight



  219.  #219Daria on May 31, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    omg!

    i just was answering my deluge of pof messages…

    and i decided to really “go out on a limb” with this one guy who was SOOO not my type

    he kinda looks like the main guy in “knocked up”m chubby curly hair, grunge dresser,

    he even had his tongue sticking out in the only pic he had

    well… this guy got on webcam with me and HELLO! just like in “knocked up” he was super self assured!

    and i felt mucho attracted… so attracted that i started feeling nervous!

    wow!!!

    and then this other guy who looked all soft and stuff from his convo called me, and he sounds really strong and masculine from his voice and the way he talks!

    wow!!!

    super lessons here i feel thrilleD!

    theres also other men i want to answer now…



  220.  #220Daria on May 31, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    this profile line makes me smile

    “I’m 6’6 tall dark an handsome with a smile that exudes awesomeness “



  221.  #221Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 12:13 am

    Kaitlyn: I agree with her too, I do need to tell him how I feel, I just didn’t know how to do it. Lol and NO I definately do not want to be just an “f-buddy” to him. I’m trying to build a relationship with him but at the moment it’s not working :/



  222.  #222Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 12:18 am

    Daria: Thank you SO much (: I will definately practice that. Most of the time I act like I don’t care if he doesn’t follow through with his plans. It hasn’t pushed him away but it definately hasn’t brought us any closer together either. I am doing circular dating, but I didn’t know how to confront him about it in a way that wouldn’t put blame on him. Thanks (:



  223.  #223Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Oh and one more question, do you think it would be okay to say this to him over a text? Or should I do it in person?



  224.  #224Emerson on June 1, 2011 at 12:24 am

    Hello Sirens…today I was thinking how I wish I had Rori’s tools about 10 years ago…I can think of how differently things would have turned out if I knew about circular dating and the trap of exclusivity…ahh wasted time kills me but I know it’s not healthy to look to the past too much.



  225.  #225kaitlyn on June 1, 2011 at 12:31 am

    Kayla,

    Not sure what to do for you because I’ve had botox last longer than my relationships.

    I turned my laptop on just for you. To tell you please stick around. I wish I’d learned this stuff younger. So many of us here are trying to reverse baggage and pain from the past in order to build ourselves up again to our true selves somewhere in this ego and the id.

    I would’ve gathered way less problems if I had Siren training and the support system as I do here.

    Damage is a b1tch to un-do.



  226.  #226Emerson on June 1, 2011 at 1:06 am

    Kaitlyn…you made me laugh…ahh botox…Love it and miss it. Since I lost my job I cannot afford it, but I like it very much….



  227.  #227Venus on June 1, 2011 at 1:49 am

    Boomer, a goddess does not put herself before someone else, she walks along with them. I felt bad reading alot of yours and femininewomans posts. It feels tangled and messy. The word “slut ” to refer to anyone let alone a teenage girl should feel wrong to someone who thinks they are a siren. We arent to judge, we set an example. I feel confused by the lack of respect.



  228.  #228Venus on June 1, 2011 at 1:55 am

    Daria, Yes its me ! I cant figure this new laptop out enough to reply to mail. I feel like im new ! LOL I felt guilty not being who I was but then again Im not her anymore !



  229.  #229RiverGirl on June 1, 2011 at 2:07 am

    @335 on the previous thread
    Rosa says:
    “I just love this thought ..I am re-running it
    I love to imagine them trying to tame me .”

    Rosa, I love that thought too and it reminded me of one of my favourite quotes from “The Little Prince”

    “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .”



  230.  #230kaitlyn on June 1, 2011 at 2:16 am

    ok, trying this…

    thank you kaitlyn for taking out the recycling
    thank you kaitlyn for answering work emails
    thank you kaitlyn for showering
    thank you kaitlyn for shaving
    thank you kaitlyn for applying obagi skin fade to face
    thank you kaitlyn for applying body lotion



  231.  #231Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Cute River Girl…:)
    I am feeling a little foxy tonight!

    I have been thinking about the men who make a financial splash as Lucy says, i have one like that just now and Lucy is so right about him “buying” validation.
    I am just accepting his gifts like a water wheel currently , but with a sense of awareness. I will keep doing so until it doesnt feel good any more.

    Had a CD visiting town today leave a phone message ” have you left the city yet? I am here a day early , what about coffee? “Why do they do this ! I called his phone and left a message, “Hi , its feels nice to hear from you and I am on my way to X… ,. Sorry cant meet . I need more notice . Have a great day!” I wont be seeing him this time hes in town.

    Flakey behaviour and all talk ..blahhhhh!!!!



  232.  #232Ella on June 1, 2011 at 3:14 am

    Loneplum re 155

    I feel angry and so low energy reading this.

    I feel like wack to my stomach.

    I feel defensive, uncomfortable and a bit cross.

    I was asking an honest question. My process is organic and sometimes I work through to my answer fairly quickly, and for me I still want to feel safe to ask a question here when I have one in my mind.

    As I said I DO appreciate Siren points of view and differing opinions and they often help me take a more balanced approach.

    It doesn’t mean that I need to follow the advice or opinions to the letter.

    I see lots of assumptions in your post 155 about how you think I feel, which you think is upset because you did not validate me.

    Actually I didn’t feel upset. I felt all the things I said on my reply such as nervous in case I was leaning forward, and also confident that I am expressing myself authentically.

    Your post 155 feels icky to me, I feel subtly attacked, with smiley faces thrown in so that it does not seem like an attack… that is how it feels to me anyway.

    This reminds me of when I express myself to a man with genuiness and authenticity and then he gets cross at me for being emotional, snipes at me and then withdraws, because I am ‘too much’.

    I feel weird that you are saying you have to tiptoe back to the silent ranks. Huh? I don’t understand – I feel confused.

    Gosh I feel triggered, like am I that awful that you don’t even think you can talk with me … 🙁

    I feel insecure with this.

    I have always liked that Sirens can work through different approaches on here in a safe way by continuing to communicate in FMs and this doesn’t seem to be happening here.

    I feel angry that your post 155 seems to be all about making me bad and doesn’t actually say a thing about how you feel.

    Grrr, I feel cross.

    And that is ok with me, I do not need to tiptoe around my emotions bc I love them.

    As I said Loneplum I really respect and find your posts and ideas helpful and useful and I had already started to internalise some of your thoughts to help me in a more balanced approach.

    For example about letting him step up and come up with a plan, yes that can be great here! And allowig him to take me out so that I feel special and have high value.

    And yet I will still be authentic and let him serve me by coming to keep me company if that is what I need.

    I am taking what feels right and applying it to my situation.

    I don’t want to feel told off for coming to a slightly different conclusion.

    I did feel bad about asking for advice and then coming up with a different idea, however sometimes this is just how it works with my process.

    I can see how it may have seemed that I was seeking validation and thats fine and I still feel cross about the way this was expressed to me.

    Anyway tiptoe away of you want, there’s nothing I can do about that, except to say I am still open to you.

    I feel sad and now over and out from angry Ella Siren.



  233.  #233Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 3:25 am

    Boomer , Boy Scout man sounds like he wants someone to “heal” him of his depression and his financial woes.
    The text about it being too late and him too depressed sounded a bit like the sympathy gambit.

    I am glad you feel strong in what you want and what you deserve and I am glad you are ready to let him go if need be. Perhaps he will recycle himself when he feels more masculine and ready to be YOUR soft place to fall.

    I have (over some years) come to a place where I actively screen for financial compatibility. I find that money is very important to men and their self esteem and it feels bad if I am significantly financially more able than him. He needs to feel competent around me.



  234.  #234Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Ella , I hear you feel attacked by LP.

    I fully support LP’s comments and I note that you asked a direct question and she answered directly.

    I believe that asking a casual guy you are keen on to hang out at your place is leaning forward. I believe its ok if you dont care or want a long term with him and are prepared to be seen as a casual date .

    I feel surprised when I hear you suggesting it after reading lots of your recent posts.

    Truth is we can talk ourselves into anything as a good option IF we want to., we can rationalise and convince ourselves that black is white and dont I know it But how do we FEEL about that ..what is that subtle inner feeling you get when you think about asking him over? What is the name of the feeling that sends you to ask the question on the blog?

    What is the feeling you get when Lone Plum answers the question with an answer you dont like and I or other sirens agree with her?

    To the extent this triggers you that is the area to shine your torch and look into all your dark corners..
    When i get triggered I spend some time reflecting on how is the thing I am denying also true for me?

    With lots of care and hugs..



  235.  #235Ella on June 1, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Yes, I feel good about taking from this to let my guy take the lead a bit more…

    Let him come up with a plan.

    Let him court and me and find a way to take me out.

    Trust him that he wants to and can find a way and value me enough to believe I deserve it.

    That is what feels good from this.

    Also I feel proud that I expressed my needs and do not feel afraid to be authentic, even when it goes against general Siren protocol.

    I feel good that I can be in touch with how I feel and express that in the moment.

    And I feel good that I can appreciate the relationship balance needed between a man and a woman which allows me to gauge and then step back when required.

    Thanks Sirens.

    Lean back and feel good.

    xoxoxo



  236.  #236Ella on June 1, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Rosa,

    Yes maybe you are right… I don’t know.

    I feel real low energy now…

    I just thought that here on Siren island there was no right and wrong, just ideas and feelings to guide us.

    My feeling about it is that I want him to come and hang out with me at my house.

    I don’t want to feel lonely.

    And I don’t want to go out just because that is what we are supposed to do.

    And on the other hand I feel slightly nervous in case it is sabotaging… I feel conflicted because I can see exactly what other Sirens are saying, and yet I am trying to be true to myself.

    Maybe there is something here around payoffs, ie: I feel lonely and want male company need versus deal with my lonliness and keep dating him w/o inviting him to mine in the hope it turns into a long term thing.

    Ick, I feel confused.

    I feel a lil bit judged.

    I thought the main aim here was about being authentic, not strategising to get an outcome.

    And yet I see the sense in what Sirens are suggesting too.

    But what about letting our feelings guide us?

    Anyway it is too late cus I suggested that he could come here and hang out with me a bit soon.

    I can’t take it back anyway.

    Oh now I feel sad in case I have f8cked it all up.

    But actually sometimes we tiptoe too much. I’m sure Rori said we can do anything if we feel Rockstar.

    Yes I am sure there is something here around feeling lonely and not being able to look after that part of me so reaching out to a man.

    Maybe something around not valuing myself enough or not trusting that he will step up so leaning forward…

    So yes there is work for the torchlight here…

    And yet I also just felt lonely and felt good to let a man take care of that.

    And also I stand by what I said about feeling subtly told off in LPs post 155.

    Hmmm, Ella confused Siren now.

    xoxoxox



  237.  #237Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 3:51 am

    Ella its not “bad” or “wrong” to ask him over, it just gives a predictable result to do it the same way ..with men as with all of life . When we do the same things we get the same results.



  238.  #238Ella on June 1, 2011 at 3:59 am

    Riffing:

    Hmph,

    I feel icky in tummy.

    Why do we have to be these stoical women that do everything by the book, even when it means being lonely and sad.

    I thought we could be warm and expressive and allow men to take care of us.

    And yet I so see the sense in raising degree of difficulty by traditional dating methods…

    And yet I don’t want ‘methods’. I want to be me! But with a few Siren tweaks.

    There must be some balance here.

    There must be a middel ground that feels good to me.

    Ok, I see perfect sense in what older, prob wiser Sirens are saying… and I want to listen.

    I also feel nervous about losing my degree of difficulty by allowing casual hang out at my house.

    On the other hand I want to be authentic and allow a man to take care of me.

    And this is what he said he wants.

    Ok, where is the good feeling path…

    How about I have expressed that I feel lonely. Yes all fine.

    Inviting him over = leaning forward.

    Yep got that 🙁

    Ok, but not big disaster. Lean forward feeling can wear off.

    How do I work this one to a place of feeling good.

    Ok, I am human and I am sometimes vulnerable, sometimes lean forward.

    Mostly lean back and feminine so that good.

    Well I can’t undo.

    What I can do now is take care of my own lonliness, deal with that. See friends, make plans and take care of me.

    Lean back from Mr man and then see what he comes up with.

    Be open, warm invitation.

    See what he suggests.

    If he suggest coming over I may still let him.

    He would have to cycle 15 miles to me so not easy option for him. He would bring stuff. We could hang out. Might feel nice.

    But if I feel hesitant I will say so…

    If he invites me out I will accept.

    Argh… I feel nervous now and icky/anxious feeling like I have done everything wrong again.

    🙁



  239.  #239Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:02 am

    Rosa re 237

    Even when it is taking care of our needs and emotions and allowing them to be knight in shining armour?

    Btw I don’t usually ask men to come hang at my house so not a usual route for me.

    I get that it is not ideal, and yet it feels ok.

    I feel confused.



  240.  #240Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:06 am

    Hmph… maybe I am trying to avoid some feelings here?

    Lonely? Feeling alone.

    Ok maybe tradaitional dates would be better here for the relationship.

    Hmph, hmph.

    Now I feel wrong/bad, and worried that I have f8cked it all up.

    I feel horrible. Its ok though, to feel horrible.



  241.  #241Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Riffing…

    Waaaa! I feel like bad Siren.

    Naughty, permisucious (can’t spell it) Siren.

    I feel judgmental of self.

    But actually I am strong Siren.

    I feel insecure and worried about messing things up with men.

    I want to feel relaxed.



  242.  #242Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Ella you can do what ever you want !

    Siren Island is only acting here as a reflection of your inner Goddess. Sirens are shining Goddess Ella right back at you !

    She is wanting something else other than just a night with a casual guy where you are” giving “the date the gift of you without any investment from him. Part of you wants the company and attention, thats totally valid and ok.

    Your Inner Goddess is offering you awareness and options however and she is triggering the old Ella .Goddess Ella requires changes of old patterns and behaviour and its tricky! What you choose is all GOOD as long as its done from awreness.



  243.  #243Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:11 am

    “What is the feeling you get when Lone Plum answers the question with an answer you dont like and I or other sirens agree with her?”

    Cross and resistant and pouty…

    And like stomping off to sulk and finding arguements to prove that I am right.

    Deeper also nervous and swirly in stomach.

    Like ‘what if they are right?’.

    Feel annoyed against what works.

    Feel wrong.



  244.  #244Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:14 am

    Omg. I just met my future husband or a man that has pretty much all the qualities I imagined in him.

    And, amazingly, I was the one who contacted him first. On pof.

    I haven’t contacted a strange man online in years.

    And then, he almost left judging me… And I said I felt misunderstood.

    And I spoke about marriage and dating to him for me.

    And he said, I’m right. And it changed his worldview.

    He said he had never been challenged before. He said I made him respect me. Where did I come from?

    I was shaking like a leaf. My body could barely contain the intensity.

    He gets me.



  245.  #245Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:16 am

    Ok, I am going to choose traditional dates.

    Now this feels difficult as it means dealing with my feelings of lonliness and more my feelings of unsatisfied with going on what feels like ‘stiff, formal’ dates to me when all I really want is to be taken care of.

    I am just feeling so tired of having to be strong.

    Feel like crying.

    I have to be so strong with pub man and it feels so hard.

    Ok, I want to do what is good for Goddess Ella. I want to make this man work for me.

    How do I fix this?

    Can’t uninvite him.

    I guess I could just say I feel uncomfortable if he suggest coming over…

    And I can have that in the future. Just not yet.

    Oh sheesh what if he doesn’t call me now!!!! Feel panicky.

    Feel panicky too cus housemate is going away for a week next week and I don’t want to be alone in the house every night.

    Guess I can make some plans to hang out at parents etc..

    Ok so traditional dates for CD and then just let it flow… maybe he can hang out later.

    But is it too late to fix this?



  246.  #246Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 4:16 am

    Thta sounds exciting Daria…a soul mate connection?



  247.  #247Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:18 am

    Loneplum I am sorry for my strong reactions.

    Guess I got triggered.

    Maybe an emotional an fiery Siren at times.

    I do love you and your input.

    Still find it hard to stomach sometimes.

    xxx



  248.  #248Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:19 am

    Daria re 244

    Awww.

    Woohoo!

    I feel smily.

    xoxox



  249.  #249Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:21 am

    This man is intelligent faithful strong self assured attractive.



  250.  #250Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Ella – rori says we want the man to come over. Just not u’s going to him.



  251.  #251Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:23 am

    I am feeling so overwhelmed right now.

    I am feeling unable to cope again… with work, and no money, and being alone in house.

    Want to take care of me and there is no time cus I need to earn money!

    🙁

    Just feels so hard.

    I want someone to take care of me.

    Why do I find life so tricky sometimes?

    How can I balance this.

    Gently, gently, love me.

    Just feel kinda panicky inside though.

    What if I f8ck it all up again.

    Feel pressure like what if I fail and let my mum down and fail like I think I did in London.

    Hmmmm 🙁

    Feels like tension in forehead and panicky in stomach.



  252.  #252Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Ella I hear that you are tired of being strong and just want someone to care for you.

    Ella in my experience of casual dates this is the main thing that casual men want to AVOID at all costs . Responsibility for your emotional well being , THATS what they run from . I have experienced this over and over.

    No strings attached means they dontv want to take care of you .

    If you want that care and nurture and to be cherished more than anything then definitely no casual hang outs with benefits.

    Its easy to mistake “company” and skin on skin for emotional care and bonding.



  253.  #253Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:25 am

    Daria what do you think of what other Sirens are saying about lowering our value by doing this…

    And leaning forward by me giving this suggestion after he asked me out?



  254.  #254Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:31 am

    I reminded myself to ask why did he show up for me?

    I felt extremely validated that this man who was about to walk away from me not only didn’t but had to change his entire worldview on courtship which he so strongly believed in.

    He just kept saying stuff like ‘wow’ after that.

    He said he always heard others say ‘she challenges ne’. But he’s never been challenged before.

    This was a deep man.

    He asked about me in an intent way after that like he plans to be my husband.

    He complimented my strength my intelligence my beauty.

    I said my feelings even though it felt scary.

    I’m going to sleep now.

    Love to all.



  255.  #255Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 4:33 am

    Rori told me it was over functioning cooking a meal for a guy at my home after 3 dates out that he had asked me on !! That it was too soon .

    I disagreed at the time but now I dont . It all depends on the mans attitude and how keenly he has been pursuing and doing things for me .



  256.  #256Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:33 am

    He said after we hang up he’s gona go right back to look at my pictures.

    He seemed like he had a spiritual revelation.



  257.  #257Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:35 am

    Cooking a meal for him is different than accepting his visit.

    He can help cook, bring food, or order delivery.



  258.  #258Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:38 am

    Ella – I think I wouldn’t worry about my value as that’s determined not by outside stuff but by the value *I* put on myself by what I won’t tolerate.

    I think it’s ok to ask for company if I feel lonely, but I’d do it in a general way without expectation. Meaning ask lots of people in general, and not one guy I’m really into.

    I wouldn’t expect it to ‘count’ in building relationship… It’s only something for me.

    Kinda like having sex.



  259.  #259Rosa on June 1, 2011 at 4:39 am

    I have found that CDing really has been free therapy for that lonely feeling . Since I have been CDing I no longer feel lonely when I am alone.

    My vibe has gone from sad and “lacking’ to something much more magnetic , going by the dates I keep getting asked on , gifts i am receiving and new guys on the horizon.

    I do feel much more “complete ” inside I love the free therapy!



  260.  #260Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:42 am

    Rosa,

    I am not cooking him a meal.

    He came and helped me deliver flyers the other day. That was date 1. He is pursuing quite keenly and wants to meet up and I get the sense he has been holding off cus he wants to get the money together to take me out properly, maybe I shouldn’t ruin this as it is quite sweet.

    He also really wanted to solve it when I said I felt lonely and and said he wanted to take care of me.

    Thats why invite to my house felt ok.

    On the other hand now thinking it is still a bit lean forward and don’t want to ruin his chivolrous side!

    Thinking maybe some traditional dates for a bit longer might serve better.

    xoxoxox



  261.  #261Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I don’t want to be a cactus.

    Anyway, you can experiment and see how you feel… It’s all practice.

    I know for me it worked to alleviate the loneliness, but did not build the relationship or substitute for a man-proposed date.



  262.  #262Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:44 am

    It only worked to allocate the loneliness in the moment though.

    Rori told me loneliness is just a feeling, we can sink into it and find ourselves expanding.



  263.  #263Ella on June 1, 2011 at 4:45 am

    Ah, I relenquish control…

    I am just gonna see what happens.

    But I am interested to see the feelings of overwhelm and panic came up for me…

    I will sit with this later.

    Love to all Sirens.

    xoxox



  264.  #264Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:50 am

    I got 8 PAGES of pof messages within the few hours I was there today.

    I wonder if the volume of my myspace contacts dropped off the last couple of months so that I would discover POF.



  265.  #265Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Good plan Ella.

    Rosa I feel bad… Sorry for contradicting you without addressing feelings.. Oops 🙁

    Thank you for your question about the guy… It felt good to read you asking about it!



  266.  #266Daria on June 1, 2011 at 4:58 am

    Just coming back to say I also have 2 dates lined up for tomorrow from pof tonite, one with an Asian guy one with a Jewish guy both men are handsome .

    There’s so much diversity on pof!

    And then theres a guy who likes Buddhist meditation and he called but I was already conversing w husbandguy



  267.  #267Ella on June 1, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Daria,

    Why would you be a cactus?

    I think what has coome out of all this for me is that for me right now I have a lot of nervous, unable to cope feelings that need to be taken care of and loved.

    I can allow him to help me with this and what might feel better here and now is for me to feel these feelings, and take care of them myself, and then be open to his man suggestions.

    Thanks as always Sirens.

    Itneresting how overwhelmed inside I was feeling and how it took quite a process for me to get to that!

    I want to look after myself and feel good/magnatising.

    And I can also be magentising in my neediness too.

    xoxoxo



  268.  #268Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 5:56 am

    RE 222 Kayla I would try to reframe the “confront” thinking by checking on my intention. It might not create the harmony you are seeking.



  269.  #269Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Ella I think it is great noticing those feelings of overwhelm and panic. I would review the post from Rori about anxiety to help with that.



  270.  #270Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:10 am

    Boomer I just read something that I sense might trigger you so I wanted to share something I heard Dr. Paul say. An indication of holes in a persons boundary is when they use the word “should”. It shows an intention of wanting to control. So he advises to look out for men who use it all the time. I know I do sometimes but it has opened up another level of awareness for me and I choose what I connect myself with. Some things resonate with me some don’t. If it doesn’t I don’t engage regardless of who it is coming from. I heard Rori in the interview this month saying experience matters. I got the sense she was referring to Susan Quinn’s experience with what she does. For me it brings a level of maturity that I like.



  271.  #271Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Femininewoman, my friend. Thank you for your preemptive message 😉

    But you know me well enough here to know that I am going to do what I am going to do. Or maybe not….



  272.  #272AmazingMe on June 1, 2011 at 6:48 am

    SIRENS NEED ADVICE…The man I am in love with but leaning way back, Well I used a feeling message and just said I miss hearing from him lately on phone. wELL i guess i leaned forward but this man knows how I feel about him and we text daily, a lot of times he intiates sometimes I just say hello. We may talk more but anywaYS WHEN I told him that I missed hearing from him he said well you should call me more often. I responed yes I could and he could call me as well. Well WHAT DO I DO >>>DO I CALL HIM???????? Please help I don’t know if I should call him or not. We are not together but there is connection and I believe he knows what I want in life regarding What I want in relationships. TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL!!!! HELP!!! suggestions pretty please???



  273.  #273Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 6:51 am

    Ella:

    “Ok, I see perfect sense in what older, prob wiser Sirens are saying… and I want to listen.”

    Who you callin’ “old,” honey???? 😉 (OK, yeah, I’m old(er)!)

    Love to you, Ella. I know I come here to get tough love sometimes. It’s not all gonna be unicorns and rainbows and people saying, “You’re right, Boomer. Call that elusive man! He’ll come closer because of it!” Ha! Far from it. I know I’ve been told a thing or two since I’ve been here–and have allowed my feelings to be hurt. I went away to lick my wounds, then told myself to get over it. And it was a LonePlum message that set me off too. But she knows her stuff and is very wise. I get so much on this blog in the form of stern warnings and “I wouldn’t if I were you” advice. I now treasure that form of communication here. You Sirens have saved me from myself at least a dozen times.

    We are 100’s of different women with many different experiences, and we can all learn from one another’s differing styles, experiences, perspectives, and communication styles.

    I know I love and appreciate the diversity here. There is no wrong or right way, I hope, to express oneself here (abusive or hateful interactions notwithstanding). I don’t identify with every woman here or her style/perspective, but she has to be able to own it and get what she needs from this blog.

    This may also not be a popular stance, but my take is that just because I am feeling something or am triggered by what someone said here, it’s not required that I express it. I can FEEL it, but the time or forum may not be correct to EXPRESS it. I am finding increasingly that I can get past it on my own without the need to hurt someone else’s feelings with my need to express own. Even Rori advises asking men if “it’s a good time for them” to express ourselves. It’s not ALWAYS the time or place to share your every feeling.

    I am sorry if I have offended anyone on here with my style or perspective, but I can only say I have been sincere, honest, and open and the best version of Siren I know to be. I believe we’re all entitled to use this blog for how we need it, and that there are not “rules” for the type of expression each sincere Siren wishes to express. Some of us use it as a journal to riff/purge/explore, some of us come with very specific problems and pleas for advice, some of us work through our negative beliefs, some of us come to support others, and some of us…who don’t even post…come to just learn and absorb.

    It seems to me that there are as many valid reasons to be here and express oneself as there are women here.



  274.  #274Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:54 am

    RE 272 AmazingMe I take it that your name is a description of how you think about yourself. The way you are with him will help him to think that way about you too. You are amazing let him do the leg work and the rowing. I read an email from Rori that suggests that sometimes guys say things that gets us confused and wanting to help them out when really they don’t. Calling him will register in his unconscious mind that you are pursuing. I would choose not to. He knows what to do or as Rori puts it, he will figure it out. Actions speak louder than words, I would look at that instead of his words.



  275.  #275Jeannette on June 1, 2011 at 6:55 am

    AmazingMe, I WOULD NOT CALL THIS GUY, PERIOD!! He is a man who has not made up his mind about you because of your assess ability. Move slow!



  276.  #276Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Rosa 233:

    “Boy Scout man sounds like he wants someone to “heal” him of his depression and his financial woes.
    The text about it being too late and him too depressed sounded a bit like the sympathy gambit.”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thank you for shining a light on the situation with BoyScout, Rosa. I had not seen it that way–ever the nurturer, I wanted to make HIM feel better! (OK, I did roll my eyes a little at his passive-aggressive text, but I did not quite understand how it made it feel). I didn’t really feel it as a weak position from a man that is a red flag about his ability to care for ME.

    Wow.

    This is why I sometimes really put it out here–I feel very vulnerable sometimes opening up intimate details of my life online–but Rosa, this kind of feedback makes it so worth it! Thank you!!!!



  277.  #277Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 7:02 am

    AmazingMe…I am with FW (as usual-hee).

    I seems to me that he wants you to make it easy on him. I have a (former) CD who said a couple of times, “You could call me, ya know.” After I had expressed my feelings about “the girl” and how wonderful it feels to be called and how uncomfortable I a calling a man.

    He has not called. I feel grateful for his not calling, frankly.

    ***He showed me who he is and how he feels about ME.***

    Had I called him…sure, he might have called me next, or he might have asked to see me…only to disappear again if I didn’t call him again. In this case, he would have gotten me trained. And he would have had to do very little to keep me on a string. I don’t want to be trained.

    If this man calls again or you see him somewhere, deliver your desire to feel like the girl to him. You’ll see what he’s made of. If he steps up.



  278.  #278DE on June 1, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Ella & Daria:

    These days, I am experimenting as well and “push” my “fear” boundary when it comes to making request to men to keep me company or take care of lonely, sad feelings…

    Just recently, I had the same dilemma once again Ella 🙂 I expressed feeling down and needing a hug…and A responded pronto…so, we met at his friends place who had a barbecue 🙂
    Yesterday, I felt a bit fearful…I like him…and being so used to “traditional dating”…I feel like I am not given that just yet…the “hang out” part feels like “weird”…and I admit, I am kinda of liking it…

    I believe each one of us has the right to define what feels right for us…”the vibe” is the key…staying open, vulnerable even and clearing/forgiving the self-judgements (which i think are the biggest issues in everything we do)…

    The issue I am experiencing though is that most men are used to us “being strong”…playing “cool” in the beginning of dating…and here they get the reverse…and I think they don’t know what to do with that…as a result, i noticed they rubberband a lot 🙁

    And this is my biggest dilemma…

    Warm hugs,



  279.  #279Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 7:09 am

    273:

    You said: “I can only say I have been sincere, honest, and open and the best version of Siren I know to be”

    Beautifully stated and I see you this way as well.

    ~Lilybelle.



  280.  #280Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Thanks, Lil 🙂

    Mwah!



  281.  #281Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Dear Jeanette:

    I have not offered much in the way of advice or support or input for you because I just feel overwhelmed by what you must be going through–and it hits kinda close to home for me with unresolved feelings about my past caregiving of parents and a sometimes mentally incapacitated spouse.

    I just want to say that you seem very strong and that I admire you for wanting to be there for Steve but also acknowledging that you have needs and desires also.



  282.  #282Donut on June 1, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Hi De thank you for replying my previous post… i am surprised you share the same situation as me.. i am not from US 🙂 From UK. J left me in Feb for a fab job he couldn’t say No.! He was not happy to leave.. but i saw him recently .. he is happy wer he is and i feel stuck … 🙁 lost after 8 yrs …

    Donut xx



  283.  #283Jeannette on June 1, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Boomer, I appreciate your words. I DO have needs and I want them met. My needs are more to do with wanting affection and yes some monetary support. I think Steve should email me early in the day and show interest like he used to however trite that sounds. Now he just emails whenever he gets around to it. But I have to remember that he is taking care of his brother at the moment. But it takes 5 minutes to shoot over an email. I wonder if he is up to something cuz about 10 days ago I wasn’t emailing him as much and he asked why. I told him it’s because I was trying to have time to do some personal things before leaving out the door for work. But, I still like his emails in the morning because it gives me something to look forward to a work. He has changed a little since Rick has gotten terminal. He’s backed away just a little. But the weather is real nice and he may have just taken Rick out for a ride somewhere. Where do you draw the line about things? You don’t want to be a nag but you want to say things sometimes. Like when we talked the other day sitting in his back yard. Before, he acted like he was going to move in with me eventually. Then just out of the blue he said while sitting there, “Maybe I’ll take over this house (Rick’s house) and assume his mortgage. He owes 80K on it and I can put 40K down. Then the payments will be low.” I said, “really? you want to stay here?” And he said (thinking for a moment), “oh I don’t know, I guess we could live at your house and rent this one out or something. ” It’s like he thinks about things without consulting me or something. Maybe he’s not sure of my feelings or something because he is so sick. Would anyone have any thoughts about this?



  284.  #284Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Interesting article I just saw on the Internet
    But there’s an important distinction to be made between dramatic personalities at work, Chism says. There’s the drama queen, who has a victim orientation, and the “queen bee,” the persecutor. Both manipulate or undermine others to get what they want. They may even be so temperamental that your colleagues walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, Chism says.

    But there are differences between the two.

    “The queen bee uses her knowledge and power to bend the rules and get her way. Instead of whining, she is more of a bully. Often she is very skilled, knows the office politics and has built strategic relationships so that she can overrule the one who is supposed to be in charge,” Chism says. “The employees know who the queen bee is because she usually is ‘in’ with someone in authority — if not her own boss, then someone of even higher rank.”

    But what many people don’t understand are the motives behind such potentially destructive behavior.

    “She wants recognition, power or attention. The drama queen has more clarity about what she wants. She is the one navigating the ship and that ship is pointed toward an island that is for her personal gain instead of toward and in alignment with the company mission and vision,” Chism says.

    http://msn.careerbuilder.com/Article/MSN-2563-Workplace-Issues-5-Ways-to-Deal-with-the-Workplace-Drama-Queen/?SiteId=cbmsnhp42563&sc_extcmp=JS_2563_home1&gt1=23000



  285.  #285Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 8:08 am

    RE 283 Jeannette can I invite you to look at this statement again to see if this is really what you mean or maybe invite you to elaborate what you mean before I tell you the impression I got reading it?

    ” It’s like he thinks about things without consulting me”



  286.  #286Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Jeanette. Wow. I also have not expressed an opinion or shared what I’m thinking because I am seeing your situation as very unfair…to you!

    I know the insight you get here has a lot to do with “poor Steve,” but Steve is not the one coming here for support…you are! I wish to support you.

    I don’t know what the truly Siren-y thing to do here is. But…and this is just ME….if it were me, I think I might have a gentle conversation with Steve (after asking him if it’s a good time, as Rori suggests), and acknowledge that his illness and Bill’s have presented some game changers in your relationship. Oh, hell, Jeanette, I don’t know! Maybe you start with the feelings that you have about wanting to still feel loved, affection, and contact from him. Or maybe you go for the BIG issues that really are what you need to know: Are we still getting married??? Where are we going to live??? Are you counting on having me take care of you???

    And then how you feel abut all that.

    I am so conflicted here because of my own past–I very much got lost in my father’s illness and caring for him while having four small children and a difficult husband. So I just don’t know if what I’m saying to you is right for you…or if it’s just my old fears and triggers. This is why I’ve stayed silent.

    I don’t know that Rori ever advocates staying silent in an unsatisfying situation, which what I feel is some of the advice you’ve gotten here. But I am so “boy” in my energy, that I hope I am not directing you down a faulty path…

    But it seems so unfair to you that you have stayed committed to a man who is not able to be what you need…and who seems to be expecting an awful lot out of you.

    Ya know, when my own mother was very ill, I felt guilty for not being closer to her. For not wanting to really see her or talk to her. I “did” for her, because that was my obligation, but just because she was sick, did not make a tenuous relationship to begin with all close and warm. In fact, the stress of her illness made it less warm and communicative. I kind of feel the same thing here with you–that because he’s ill and has so much responsibility for Bill is creating stress in what already seems like a relationship with a man who was not overly communicative.

    Gosh, Jeannette. I really feel for you. Was any of this insightful or useful to you? I guess I want for you to figure out what you need here and find a way to get it.

    Urgh. I feel frustrated and wish I could articulate better for you.



  287.  #287tinque on June 1, 2011 at 8:11 am

    “TINQUE – What do I do about 201 and 202?”

    Kaitlyn – I can see and understand both of your thoughts and feelings about this, yours and Adam’s, and both of you have valid thoughts and feelings around this.

    I guarantee you he has long forgotten about this. It didn’t turn out as you wished, and dwelling on this won’t change this reality. It will continue to eat at you unnecessarily if you don’t let this go.

    It hurt. I get it. I had something similar happen to me one Valentine’s years ago, and it bothered me for a long while. If I summon up the memory, it can still cause a twinge.

    But I look at the situation back then, and I remember that he did the best he could in those moments. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was all he had in him.

    With Adam it’s the same. Bringing it back up with him as you did, and I don’t want you to do again, just keeps walls up between you. Please do what you can do move forward from this what really is in the grand scheme of things a minor thing.

    xxoo



  288.  #288Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 8:25 am

    RE 286 Boomer, gosh that was a mouthful but I resonate with what you share there. I will focus on this though “. I “did” for her, because that was my obligation”. My sense is that Steve kinda sorta might be facing this related to Jeannette and sometimes wants it and at other times don’t. Regardless of the situation he is still a man with an ego and natural male tendencies. Having a woman who might be doing things out of obligation I imagine can’t feel good for him either though he might need it. I know I don’t feel good when I do things out of obligation, I eventually get resentful, even with the kids. My daughter sometimes react like don’t do it then and I allow her the space to feel free to express that. I am so understanding of how you feel about this situation and I too feel so much pain for Jeannette. It is not easy to sit by and feel your pain without engaging my boy energy.



  289.  #289Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I just noticed something about myself. I said “I am not comfortable…..” rather than saying “I feel uncomfortable. It registered to me as 1. negative and 2. not saying what I am feeling in the moment.



  290.  #290Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Urgh. I’m feeling pent up and frustrated in my life at the moment. No one BIG thing…just a sense that I am “off” right now. I am feeling jumpy and jittery and needy and like I want to kick something.

    Life is good. I am blessed. I am pretty grounded and content. My kids are awesome and healthy.

    But I’m also bored. I HATE bored.

    My job is boring.

    My social life is boring (my BFF got herself a boyfriend and I’m kind of on the fringes now.)

    Nice men BORE me.

    That’s not good. I want to get over that. OR…I need to accept that I kinda like an exciting guy–but understand what that could mean for stability.

    I feel proud that I gave a nice man a chance for my own learning. But he really did bore me. Whether he breaks up with me or not today (although the hand writing is on the wall…), I do not want to continue to see him. I hope there’s no production out of it…just a gentle and kind wishing each other luck and a wonderful life.

    But that’s not it. I feel like there’s something I’m not seeing. Something good and I’m just not ready. I’m just…ugh! Jumping out of my skin right now. Does my “boy” need something to do???

    That’s all. Thanks.



  291.  #291Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    FW, I appreciate you not trying to fix me. It’s hard for do-ers like you and me, n’est-ce pas? It’s nice knowing you’re listening and that you get me.



  292.  #292Senior Lady Vibe on June 1, 2011 at 9:03 am

    @238: Ella says:
    “I also feel nervous about losing my degree of difficulty by allowing casual hang out at my house…”

    I’ll catch up on posts… later but thought I’d say this now. Two words: 1) picnic … 2) delicatessen.

    “Let” your young man take you out for a picnic lunch. I love, love picnics!!! And the weather where I am is so delightful!! 🙂 “Picnics” can be as casual or as posh as you please, as romantic or “first-meetingish” as you want. You can spend a little or a lot. Picnics solve a whole bunch of problems.

    No man has an excuse for not being able to afford dates; it just takes creativity and some imagination. You can cycle through a park, take a train to the beach, hike to the forest or walk to your nearest kiddy playground or park bench for that matter. (At least I can where I live…)

    I don’t cook much and even less in warm weather but point me to a deli or gourmet food shop and I can put together a picnic party in short time. (I do cool weather “picnics” too… ) LOL

    Ella, would this work for you? It’s so fun. I think it’s nicer and more festive (only IMHO) than “hanging out” at your house with a new young man. Maybe you could invite a few other couples also. But it’s fun for two. And I have “picnics” a couple times a week just with me. 😆 Take a few games and some music.

    xoxo
    SLV
    P.S. on my way to deli now…



  293.  #293Mel on June 1, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Yesterday, I asked my husband if he would be willing to go to a nearby park and talk peacefully.

    He agreed and we both expressed how we have been feeling. I think he finally understands how I have been feeling for the past year.

    He told me about how he’s not sure he wants to be married. He has been questioning who he really is and trying to figure out what he wants in life.

    He IS willing to go to counseling though (at least once) with me. I really do hope we get a good counselor that he can feel comfortable talking to because I don’t feel like once will be enough to decide whether or not the relationship should end.

    Right now I feel both hopeful and helpless. This is not in my hands AT ALL. Uncertainty is the worst, but at least there’s the possibility thay things could get better.

    Sigh. I need some positivity in my life! I’m starting to feel SO unlike my happy carefree true self.



  294.  #294AmazingMe on June 1, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Thank you sirens for your help!!! It means a lot and yes he can row cause my arms are tired if he wants me he can step up. He can call me he knows my number too! I am amazing and dammit if he thinks I am amazing too he will call. If not thats ok too I am CDing SLOWLY!!!



  295.  #295Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 9:21 am

    RE 293 I was thinking of you earlier Mel. That what you shared, to me is a start. Honesty. Maybe he did not understand the commitment or thought it through when he decided to get married. He is doing that now. If you both come out on the other side unscathed, whatever the outcome, I believe both of you will have grown into better persons. This seems like he has opened up a part of his heart that he might not have in the past. Has he shared any fantasies, as in his ideal life, what he wants to do in 5-10 years? You don’t have to answer. Just pointing out some things that might help to get him to share more of his heart now that you seem to be in a “settled” mode together looking at your lives together. Seems to me like a good time to practice listening at Level 2.

    Uncertainty happens when we letting go of control, I think. Not sure though if it is the worst. Rori put up a post some time ago about dancing and following the lead. I think it might help with this. Will see if I can find it for you.

    That self you are experiencing now might be the self or emotions you never paid attention to in the past. What do you think?



  296.  #296Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/let-him-take-the-lead-and-have-the-strength-to-follow/

    It might not be exactly related but I like how they explained around trusting while someone else takes the lead. It might not come out the way we want things to but the message for me is the strength that we show in demonstrating that we allow the other person to lead.



  297.  #297Mel on June 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I think for now, it’s best not to push him too much about what he wants for the future. If he decides to continue with counseling (beyond one session), I’m hoping that we can start to look at that together. But right now, I’m getting the sense that he just needs some time and space to figure some things out.

    For me, uncertainty is the worst because I don’t like the feeling of having no direction. If he wants to end the marriage, it will be horribly difficult, but at least I would know the things that I need to do- eg) look for a new job back home, settle my finances, start packing my things… If he wants to work on things, then we would set goals together and work on the things that need to be worked on.

    But right now I just feel like I’m in limbo. At the mercy of HIS decision. Like I’m powerless to do anything!



  298.  #298Jeannette on June 1, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Thanks my sireney friends for your total honesty. The way I see it..correct me if I am wrong….is that I AM NOT obligated to take care of Steve. I mean, he is not my husband, he is not even the father of my children. SO, I would think he would feel real gratitude for me wanting to be care for him…I don’t mean to sound egotistical at all either!! I just have to be certain this is a path I want to go down…because once I do….I am locked in, at least for a time. I was doing some yard work awhile ago and I just feel my core self saying….take care of you Jeannette, you are the only one who can……



  299.  #299Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Jeannette I would urge you to listen to that inner knowing.



  300.  #300Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 9:52 am

    RE 297 Mel your writing feels like you are at peace, at least to me. I understand though what you are saying and I can only imagine how scary it must feel.



  301.  #301Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Mel, wow. I have also stayed largely silent with you too because of…TRIGGERS!!!! from my own past experience with a husband who drifted away and utterly broke my heart (the first Mr. Boomer).

    All I can and will say is that I feel such deep sympathy for you and the pain you are in.

    ((((Hug))))



  302.  #302Jeannette on June 1, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Interesting, I just got off the phone with Rick, Steve’s brother. I was returning Steve’s call and Steve stepped out. Anyway, Rick was saying that no one helps him much (Rick). Well that’s not what Steve says. He said, “All’s Steve wants to do is sleep.” Well Steve has cancer and I know for a fact that he waits on Rick because I’ve seen him do it. Oh well, I just thought it is interesting that they run ea other down sometimes. I guess that is brothers for you!



  303.  #303Meemee on June 1, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I am back after another round of travelling
    I feel so low
    so lonely
    and very very sad
    🙁
    Meemee



  304.  #304Mel on June 1, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Thanks for the kind words Boomer and FW!

    I DO feel a little more at peace, if only that my brain can have a rest from trying to figure out what the problem is.

    Now I just feel sadness and loss, but a tiny twinge of hope that wasn’t there before.

    Rori wrote a few posts ago about whether it is better to know or to be blissfully ignorant.

    I would say that I am glad I know. In my experience, ignorance is not bliss. There is this deep knowing inside the body that something is not right and it slowly eats away at you. All the imaginings of what it COULD be end up being worse than the reality.

    My lesson for today (and for the near future) is to learn to be patient, have no expectations, and as Rori says “be surprised.”



  305.  #305Meemee on June 1, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I feel afraid that my days are characterized by inactivity.
    I feel very very anxious that I have not done any phd work in months
    I feel scared and anxious
    Meemee



  306.  #306Meemee on June 1, 2011 at 10:15 am

    I feel afraid when i think about future
    I am sleepless for many days
    Meemee



  307.  #307Meemee on June 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I want to start working on my thesis.
    I want to start from somewhere
    But I am feeling unable to start
    I am feeling stuck
    I am resisting memories
    But feeling unable to get into my active energy mode
    Meemee



  308.  #308Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Some EMK words I just had to share

    “No one – not you, not me – dates someone to be reminded of how much we need to change. My wife has the uncanny ability to not tell me what a difficult and arrogant guy I can sometimes be…despite the fact that it’s true. For this, I am greatly appreciative, and do my best to keep my mouth shut about her flaws.

    This generosity of spirit is the crux of why men marry certain women and not others.”



  309.  #309Meemee on June 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

    It seems in the last almost one year i have invested lots of energy outside my career and research.
    that was needed,
    but now that need is over
    but I feel unable to take that energy back and put it into something else
    I feel inactive
    not sure if i am making sense
    I really need to start focusing on my phd and career
    but feeling stuck
    How do i get out of that!!!???
    Meemee



  310.  #310Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2832/relationships-attract-at-your-common-level-of-self-love.html

    When you learn to value yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, you are no longer attracted to someone who emotionally abandons themselves. You are drawn to people who also value themselves and want to share love rather than get love. So you will no longer end up with someone who blames, withdraws, judges or sees themself as a victim. You will just not find this person attractive, as they are not at your common level of emotional health.

    The Frequency of Attraction

    The Law of Attraction states that “Like attracts like.” This means that people with a low frequency – people who are insecure and self-abandoning – attract each other, while people with a high frequency – people who love and value themselves – also attract each other. People who are positive, open, secure, giving, caring and kind to themselves and others are not attracted to people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention.

    While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility.



  311.  #311turquoise3 on June 1, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Help! Mike2 got laid off a few months ago, at the same time he was recovering from an illness. Before we met, he filled me in on everything, wanting to put it all out there. I do feel concerned that he isn’t working, but he is looking for a job, as well as has enrolled in school to start in a few weeks. He’s a draftsman by trade, but going back to school for computers.
    Anyways, I know it’s very stressful on him that he isn’t working, it’s affecting his self esteem. He texts me everytime he has a phone interview or screening, a headhunter calls, etc.

    I always say that is great, good luck, etc. But I feel like I should lean forward and say something to reassure him that I know he’s looking, willing to take anything right now just to get back on his feet…. without further injuring his pride. I don’t want him to worry that I’m judging him for being laid off, he’s had a tough year, and it can happen to anyone. Help sirens! I don’t know if I should say something to try and reassure him, or lean back.



  312.  #312Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 11:07 am

    RE 311 I feel it is okay to appreciate his efforts in response to one of the texts.



  313.  #313Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Turquoise, yeah, I think it’s warm and open to express encouragement and some reassurance. Can you do it FMs???

    – I feel confident that something will turn up soon for you. (If you do feel that way).

    – I feel really comfortable with where you, are and I am not feeling judgmental about your situation at all.

    – I feel understanding about your life the last year.

    I dunno–too much??



  314.  #314Penny on June 1, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Rori, I absolutely found your “why is he so comfortable\complacent\unchanging with me as a friend now, instead of lover?” blog about three days ago, INVALUABLE.

    It gave me such insight into what happened in a relationship I was in last year. A bit late now to rescue that particular relationship (which is just fine as I’ve moved on), but I want to send it to a friend because she is in this exact situation.

    Enough of that…can you please RESEND it to me? I can’t find it anywhere….

    Your stuff is enlightening and so very, very helpful.
    Penny



  315.  #315Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Penny:

    Try looking in this category:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/from-lovers-to-friends-and-back-again/

    Rori categorizes her posts by topic, which you can see if you scroll up and look right…this is in the category “From Lovers to Friends and Back Again.” The post you refer to may be in that category 🙂



  316.  #316Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Kaitlyn: Thank you (: I will definately stick around.



  317.  #317Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Femininewoman: What do you mean?



  318.  #318Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Last night I was with this guy, we will call him “pickup guy” we had a great time together just going on a walk, today he wants to go swimming (: I really want to connect with him, any advice on how to do that?



  319.  #319Daria on June 1, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Oh how cute! Evan realizes he’s arrogant… Aww I feel smily and soft



  320.  #320Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Daria:

    Bwahahahaha!

    Indeed. That reminds me…I miss Mercedes.



  321.  #321Daria on June 1, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Yes Jannette yes! You sound like this clarity feels empowering



  322.  #322Daria on June 1, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Hey DE – I love what you mentioned about healing our self judgements. I super concur.

    Here’s a challenge… Hopefully helpful:

    “The issue I am experiencing though is that most men are used to us “being strong”…playing “cool” in the beginning of dating…and here they get the reverse…and I think they don’t know what to do with that…as a result, i noticed they rubberband a lot”

    Can you drop under this thinking and work backwards to find the feelings and the triggers for them? That way it can be about you and we can get this dilemma healed!



  323.  #323Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 11:51 am

    322…Daria. Oh, darn-it! You are on to something here for DE, and it’s just out of my grasp too and I want you to just say it so I can not work so hard to understand it!

    DE, work through this so I can understand! LOL.

    Daria, can you explain to remedial little old me how one “works backward and finds the feelings?”

    I struggle with this and am just…clueless abut where to begin. Because I too find men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.



  324.  #324turquoise3 on June 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Yes, and I’ve said those things in response to his texts or in conversations. I can just tell that he’s not feeling secure, and wondered if I should try and say something reassuring, not only that he’ll get a job, but that I do believe in him, and it’s not scaring me away…. along those lines as well?

    Ella, I had a similar situation happen with Mike2. He doesn’t have a lot of money right now, but wanted to see me all weekend. Thurs. we met for dinner, Fri. I was out with friends and he met up with us and came over afterwards for awhile. Saturday he wanted to see me, but I was sick and decided we didn’t need to see each other 3 nights in a row. He invited me to meet his parents, but I said it was too soon. Sunday he texted that he wanted to see me… and while I could have suggested we go out to eat or something, I still didn’t feel great, so I rented a couple movies and told him he could come over. He has done all the driving and lives over a half hour away. He’s paid for breakfast, dinner, drinks and even bought my friends a round when he met us out. BUT, I am a single mom with full custody of my kids. MOST of what I’ll be doing if I’m in a relationship with a guy, will be staying home, or doing things with my kids too….. (when it gets to that point of course) So, I feel perfectly comfortable spending time with him at my house. I don’t like to be on the go all the time, and I want a man who can mesh into my life. I think it’s fine to invite him over. Our value isn’t defined by how much money a man spends on us, it’s also his time, energy, but mostly on how we feel about ourselves.



  325.  #325turquoise3 on June 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Mel, I remember my therapist telling me that I was in the driver’s seat, and feeling exactly like you do. How could that be true? He was the one who wanted out, I couldn’t force him to choose me? What I think she meant was that I had choices to make too… and they didn’t have to all be based on him. What did I really want? Was I choosing to stay? If so, were there boundaries, needs?

    I would sincerely hope your husband would give it more than one session. I don’t know what state you are in, but in PA, you can’t force a divorce through in less than 2 years, so, even once the papers are filed, if you aren’t ready to sign them, don’t. Take some time. People do reconnect after separations. Maybe he needs to see what he’ll be losing. Huge bear hugs to you!!!



  326.  #326Trinity on June 1, 2011 at 11:56 am

    What do you mean by “feeling messages?” This is so true about feeling like you are a broken record – do they hear you at all and pretend not to?



  327.  #327Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Hi, Kayla…have you gotten a good sense of what Feeling Messages (FMs) are? I’m not sure how long you’ve been here and what you may know.

    Try talking to PickUp guy in FMs. But honest, real FMs that really are about how you’re feeling:

    For example:

    “It feels so good to see you again today!”

    “I’m feeling a little hungry.”

    “Wow. I feel cold…”

    That sort of messaging will help you feel in your feminine energy and may invite him to step up and…acknowledge your happiness to see him…or to get you a pretzel from the concession stand…or to offer you his extra towel so you warm up.

    Now, the GOAL is not to GET HIM to do these things, but just to be able to express how you FEEL in the moment and to be delighted and surprised if he steps up with caring responses.

    Does that sound like a good start, Sirens? Anyone have other helpful “Sirenhood 101” thoughts for Kayla???



  328.  #328turquoise3 on June 1, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Daria I feel super duper excited for you!!! I’m SO glad to hear you are on POF…. and think a huge summer romance is in store for you! You’ve done so much self work, healing, etc. now will be great to see how it applies while you are dating. Very eager to hear about your dates with new men! 🙂



  329.  #329turquoise3 on June 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    I posted last night that Mike2 hadn’t called/texted during the evening, and that felt a little bad. Not because it had only been half a day, but just because I felt like I’d lowered my walls a bit, was more emotional… and he stepped back.

    He texted me a lot this morning and we talked at lunch. He asked when he could see me, I asked when he wanted to, and he said hopefully today. 🙂 HE calls me sweetheart, sweetie, babydoll… tells me how beautiful I am. WOW, I said I wanted a guy who would speak my love language, and words of affirmation is a big one for me!



  330.  #330Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Turquoise, that was really thoughtful input you gave Mel…I would feel good hearing from someone who’d “been through it,” that I too had some say-so over the situation–not just him.

    Mel, it can be about you too and what you want!



  331.  #331T-Girl on June 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    subscribing



  332.  #332T-Girl on June 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    sorry forget to check the subscribing box



  333.  #333Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Trinity:

    From Rori’s Glossary of Terms:

    Feeling Messages:
    My essential Tool for speaking with a man so he can really hear you – in the format “I feel…” or “I’m feeling…” or “It felt…” or “It feels…” or “It would feel…” Feeling Messages automatically, in baby-steps, help you be more authentic, vulnerable, open, and in touch with and more comfortable with yourself. (Beginning exercises and explanation are in my Have The Relationship You Want ebook.)

    Yes, using FMs can be challenging at first–it’s taken me months, and my “sounds natural” repertoire is still limited–but it’s worth it to see how men respond when you speak in them.

    Yes, some men do respond with a desire to hear you and provide what you may need. And some men do scoff and laugh and act put off.

    My take on it is that “a scoffer” is not a man I want in my life–what an excellent filter right off the bat to tell if a man is going to respond to my feminine energy with masculine energy!



  334.  #334Mel on June 1, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Thanks Turquoise!

    It doesn’t FEEL like I’m in the driver’s seat, but I know that I have choices too. I guess right now I’m choosing to “see what happens.”

    I hope he will go to therapy more than once too. I think he just doesn’t know what to expect, and generally hates talking about his emotions, so he thinks it will be excruciating.



  335.  #335Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Boomer: Thanks (: You give such good advice. If anyone else has some advice please let me know.



  336.  #336Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    333:

    “Scoffers” quickly bounce off my horse.

    🙂



  337.  #337Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Kayla,

    FM’s take practice and really, for me, is a new way of being. I practice paying attention to how I am feeling at any given time and rather than just answer a question or spew out some garbage, I pause to be sure that what I am saying is authentic and really how I feel.

    It takes work and focus. The Sirens are here so if you ever run into a situation and you are not sure if what you want to say is where you want it to be and think you need some tweaking, come here and you will be sure to receive some assistance.

    ~Lilybelle.



  338.  #338Senior Lady Vibe on June 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    I guess I was in wrong thread… 🙂

    344: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @148: Lilybelle says:
    “He’s ten years older than I. Perhaps I feel concerned that he will be all ‘old’ acting and feeling.”

    You won’t know until you meet with him a time or two. He might not be suited to you or maybe it will be like Hadassah and her guy. He’s a bit older; I encouraged her to give him a chance…now they are getting married…

    … or you can always say “next” (perhaps just in your head) if it doesn’t work out. Men usually like younger women, so maybe he will be good practice or even become a friend if things don’t go forward in the romance area.

    How old are you? I know, cheeky of me to ask… but I read your post and wondered who would be in your “peer party.” So tell me please so I can do one for you.

    Re: my soulmate rings… My ring count is still rising; I bought another one last night: 28 — would have been 29 but I gave a little faux aquamarine birthstone to my granddaughter)

    I’d thought about tying the rings onto yarn or a cord as a window hanging but now that I’m collected them I enjoy looking at them this way. They are lined up in a decorated tin with the clear bubble tops showing. It looks like a mini modern art installalation.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:58am

    345: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @Jilly and @Boomer

    I missed you too! I’m reading some posts… I don’t know if I’m on right thread or if you’ll see this.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:00am



  339.  #339Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    SLV, I do hope you’ll stick around. I know this blog has up and down times for some of us here…but I miss your mature voice, your tales of “Sweetie,” and your whimsy.



  340.  #340Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    347: Lilybelle says:
    344:

    SLV~ I am 47 so please, have me a peer party!

    Would you also set a date for me? For something wonderful on the calendar?

    I am seeing OlderDude on Thursday night. His sense of humor is fabulous, he enjoys my “vibe”, and like you said, I can always say “next” if necessary.

    Thank you for the encouragement, I am so happy to see you. Your soulmate ring “art” sounds beautiful and is a wonderful idea.

    Hugs~

    Lilybelle.



  341.  #341Senior Lady Vibe on June 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    @339: Boomer says:
    “SLV, I do hope you’ll stick around. I know this blog has up and down times for some of us here…but I miss your mature voice, your tales of “Sweetie,” and your whimsy.”

    Thanks, Boomer, You’re a sweetie too. I have “spring fever” and I sensed maybe you do also. I’m not bored but I’m procrastinating with some goal work, the chore parts… 😆 I bet you’re not totally bored either… maybe bored with being in the office when there’s sun outside?

    xoxo
    SLV
    P.S. Where’s Mercedes? You mentioned her.



  342.  #342Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    SLV…thanks for being you.

    I am bored. Definitely. And not just with work today…I feel “trapped” by responsibility more and more often. The “real me” is a pretty free-wheeling, New Age, hippie kinda soul, and all this corporate stuff and mother stuff and grown-up stuff gets me down sometimes. I even find myself engaging in self-sabotage at work, like I want to get found out and get let go so I can abdicate any responsibility. Immature and indirect and inexcusable, I know. I sometimes feel I work to support a life I don’t even want. But those darn kids want food and clothing and medical care…and I’m the only parent really providing any of that. It feels like wearing golden handcuffs much of the time now.

    I have been exploring alternative ways of designing my life, and I keep coming back to I CAN’T because of my RESPONSIBILITIES. But I know it’s just fear. I do feel some hope sometimes, however: my children are getting older and require and want less of “Mommy” (a bittersweet realization, actually), my life has smoothed out with significantly reduced stress with the ex-Mr. Boomers, and I am making baby steps toward things I want just for me (cooking classes, wine classes, learning Italian, working out).

    I am getting braver about maybe approaching The Powers That Be at my job and asking for an alternative work arrangement. It’s a very traditional setting, however, and I feel great fear that a) they will say “No!” and b) it will tip them off to my dissatisfaction and c) that they will watch me more closely (right now I enjoy relative autonomy, but also very little support/guidance) and start controlling me in ways I don’t have to deal with right now.

    And so I am stalled, going “Oh, well, another day at the salt mines…be happy you have a job!” and I make nothing change for myself…and I continue to feel bored.

    Urgh. Sorry to unload on you on your first foray back among us!

    Tell me about your soul mate rings–they sound lovely–but what was the point of them again? I missed that previously…



  343.  #343Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Thank you Lillybelle. I appreciate it very much! (:



  344.  #344Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    SLV – Mercedes made an exit some time ago. I was not following a lot then, but there was some discussion with EMK on CDing that made for some heated exchanges. Not sure if that was it. But I miss having her sassy, clear voice on here.



  345.  #345Elizabeth on June 1, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    WOW! What a quote! below

    I’m joining this “I love to imagine them trying to tame me thought” club!

    I have been feeling that lately: “Over here, yes, me, with my hand raised, can I get a man who knows what to do with me, please?” I know I’m giving the right cues (much of the time, anyway) Sometimes I feel like Brendan Frasier in the movie “Bedazzled”.
    It reminds of LOA. You wish, you intend, for something and you get it, but it comes with other things you weren’t quite so prepared for!! Like, no thank you, I love your look, we have lots of stuff in common, but no, I’d would rather not abide a predominantly feminine energy man for my life partner. Control me, tame me, but you must be a benevolent ruler. Trying to appeal to insecurities won’t work. You’ll have to look elsewhere for that. 🙂

    Cool to have SLV back!!

    xoxo

    229: RiverGirl says:

    @335 on the previous thread
    Rosa says:
    “I just love this thought ..I am re-running it
    I love to imagine them trying to tame me .”

    Rosa, I love that thought too and it reminded me of one of my favourite quotes from “The Little Prince”

    “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .”



  346.  #346Elizabeth on June 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    336: Lilybelle says:

    333:

    “Scoffers” quickly bounce off my horse.

    🙂

    YES! That is a GREAT word.

    and

    “I feel scoffed because my need for empathy and to have my opinions (thoughts, beliefs, etc) respected is not being met. How can we get both our needs met here?”

    Maybe people scoff when they can’t find a better way to disrespectfully disagree with another opinion.

    xoxo



  347.  #347Elizabeth on June 1, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    oops. i mean “respectfully disagree”



  348.  #348Boomer on June 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Elizabeth…color me confused. Who’s scoffing?



  349.  #349Elizabeth on June 1, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Hey Boomer,

    Ah, I don’t want to confuse anyone…so I feel glad that you asked. I sometimes riff off of things into other things that were triggered for me, that may have nothing to do with the original convo.

    I thought you and a few other sirens were talking about being scoffed at by men?

    That word jumped out at me, because there is a man who I have been avoiding because he “scoffs” at me too often, and also says things to me about me with contempt in his voice. I couldn’t think of a good word to describe it other than contemptuous. I don’t care if he is kidding or has a dark sense of humor. I don’t like it.It feels like he is trying to “tame me” in a non-benevolent way.

    That’s all. Does that clear it up? If not, I’ll be happy to try to be more clear.

    🙂

    xoxo



  350.  #350Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Elizabeth,

    I was confused too. Now it makes sense.

    I don’t like how that man feels. If he was in my life, he wouldn’t be. I can understand being hella triggered by that “contemptuous” behavior. Not acceptable.

    🙂



  351.  #351tinque on June 1, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    SLV!!!! Hey you. SO glad to see you again.

    xxoo



  352.  #352Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    351:

    Where’s the “like” button?



  353.  #353Venus on June 1, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Femininewoman, I was asked a question and I answered it. Its that simple. I feel very sad for you. your problems must be so big that you feel the need to fix everyone elses. It would feel good to hear what you feel instead of a rehearsed quote. Fixing is masculine and not feminine at all . Thats what triggers me , i dont feel you are being authentic. You speak more of what you think and have heard and it feels disconnected. My boundaries are quite intact . Ive done alot for myself to get to where i am , a very happy selffullfilled goddess! I hope you can take this for what it is. a siren trying to understand another!



  354.  #354Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Venus,

    That does not feel good to read. What you have written doesn’t feel very happy or goddesslike at all. It reads as down right rude.

    You are out of line.



  355.  #355Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    In addition, FW has been nothing short of kind and supportive to all. I find her to be reflective, concerned, open and I find your post to her, quite offensive and not at all in the manner in which we speak to one another.



  356.  #356RiverGirl on June 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    @ 308

    Thanks for sharing FW. I have to admit I had a wee chuckle reading that admission.



  357.  #357DE on June 1, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Daria #322

    Daria Darling, u opened the Pandora’s box once again…:)
    I honestly, felt afraid to go “there” and get out my feelings and triggers…:(

    So, here is my riffing answer:

    Hmm…behind the thinking of “being strong” and “being cool”…there are strong feelings indeed:

    I feel darn angry at the thought that being fake, reaching out to men, and pretending to be “cool” and “happy” gives me quicker and better results e.g., getting dates, showing interest, etc…even if it’s short term anyway

    I feel hell angry and that feels like chest pains that the world I leave in promotes these behaviors as “normal” and “fair”…

    I feel heck scared, powerless, and tearful…and that feels like shortness of breath and tightness in my chest…that my efforts are worthless to even imagine that by healing myself I can heal the world…

    I feel heck angry at women as in I want to beat the crap out of them – who refuse to join me in these efforts and continue to overfunction as means to manipulate and control, blame, gossip, act as “poor me” attitude, or martyrs, they deserve everything without doing the work on themselves and owning their emotions, , they continue to own false beliefs that men are jerks, losers, they need to be taught lessons as if they are toddlers, etc…when in fact, they either raised them or promoted bad behavior due to lack of emotional boundaries…

    I feel terrified and that feels like nuts and bolts in my tummy imagining my son might end up with a woman raised by emotional vampires…

    I feel heck angry and that feels like heavy breathing and stiff shoulders – having to deal with messed up men raised or involved with these women…

    Phew…now, I feel better…



  358.  #358Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    RE 355 Thank you Lilybelle, I really appreciate you.



  359.  #359Lilybelle on June 1, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    358:

    I heart you, FW.

    <3



  360.  #360Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    RE 356 You are welcome my dear. I almost fell off my chair when I read that.

    RE 319 I was surprised to see he wrote that.



  361.  #361T-Girl on June 1, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    FW – I love when you post things from other coaches. I would have never heard about them otherwise and I have learned tons! Thank you!



  362.  #362Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    RE 361 You are most welcome. I have come to realize the world is a big place with lots of different people with opinions and experiences. I try to connect with what I sense as valuable to me and I believe caring is sharing.



  363.  #363Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    RE 344 Yeah Boomer, it was tough at times to read Mercedes comments but I truly miss her. I hope she comes back. She feels like family to me. Now I feel sad.



  364.  #364DE on June 1, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    FW:

    I heart u and appreciate u as well 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  365.  #365Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Heyy I need a pickmeup. . I’m feeling pretty down right now, I keep thinking about “pickup guy” and I have been all day, but I keep hearing little voices in my head that say he is going to lose interest in me. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about being in a relationship with him at the moment because we just started seeing eachother, but I can’t help it, and I can’t really get those voices in my head to go away. Any advice??



  366.  #366Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    I love you DE



  367.  #367Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Kayla do you mind sharing how you are feeling about yourself?



  368.  #368Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Well, I don’t know. I’m feeling like everytime I meet a great guy, I do something to push them away, and I can’t figure out what it is. I have never been the type of girl that was able to last in a relationship. I used to be the type of girl that would push men away by chasing them and begging and pleading, I’m not that girl anymore, I don’t chase, and I definately don’t beg or plead or try to “convince” any man to love me, I think what I’m lacking is the skills to communicate, I’m trying to fix that. And I guess since every single guy I have been with has withdrew from me in a very short amount of time I’m feeling like this guy will too.



  369.  #369Island Girl on June 1, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    FW I really appreciate your contributions to this blog and admire the way you carry yourself. ((hug))

    Boomer – ditto 😉



  370.  #370Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Okay it sounds like you need to shift your vibe, change your beliefs about yourself and what you can create and to get clear on what you are feeling so you can express yourself in feeling messages. What do you think?



  371.  #371Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    RE 369 Thank you my sister.



  372.  #372Island Girl on June 1, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Hi Kayla
    I found Rori’s blog from Monday last week really helpful regarding this. Have you read it?
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/what-weve-learned-in-group-coaching-class-6-things-that-are-holding-you-back-from-love/#more-2729

    Especially:
    Deciding your “Biography” is your “Destiny”

    Just because it happened to you, just because you “did” that – no matter how many times – doesn’t mean it has to happen or you have to do that again. You get a fresh start every moment.

    What do you think?



  373.  #373Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I think I agree completely. Thank you, you’re advice is very helpful. I’m trying to tell myself that I am good enough for any man and it’s kind of working, but there is still that little doubt in the back of my mind.



  374.  #374Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Kayla I also believe this is a great category we are currently on. It is about communication. I would review the older posts, there is a lot here to learn if you read around the blog. The link below has some great pointers.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/change-your-words-and-change-your-love-life/



  375.  #375Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Kayla also click on Tinque’s name to get to her blog. She is queen of “I am enough”.



  376.  #376Femininewoman on June 1, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Tinque’s words

    Here is something I really, really want you to consider deeply. If you’ve been attracting seemingly the wrong men time after time even though each one appears to very different from the last bad relationship and even more different from your father and/or mother, why does it never seem to work out. Even that “perfect” man said something, did something that was just unacceptable.

    One part of this is that you may be attracted to the same kind of man repeatedly, the true import of which is only revealed after some time because he SEEMS SO unlike the last “loser”.

    Most annoyingly, something inside of you recognizes that something familiar and even if this familiar feels horrible, it’s still familiar and there is great comfort in the familiar, the known, a sense of safety even if it’s unsafe. And this is because you’ve been down this road before, or one very much like it, so in an odd way, it feels like coming home. So here you are again, heartbroken, maybe angry, at him, yourself…



  377.  #377Kayla on June 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Thanks (: If you have ANY more advice please do speak up.



  378.  #378DE on June 1, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    So, just about on hour ago…I signed back up on Match…but this time, only one month…last time, I felt overwhelmed and really not in the mood…

    Weird, till yesterday I really resisted to the idea of going back online…but Daria, u are so right…I need me a different “preoccupation”…lol than getting a bit too “fixated” on A…

    Sure enough, I got me a date…for tomorrow nite…but here are my NVs coming back at me in the speed of light…arghhh:

    “what’s that? a cup of fricking coffee??? he must not think i am worth it…:(
    oh, and his tone seemed arrogant…direct questions as in “inquisition” and “dry”…arghhhh…
    i felt turned off…he talked to me while driving…i didn’t like that…”

    can i flip this?

    “okay, he called u right the way…he wants to meet u ASAP…he is obviously interested…he seems “manly”…oh, he loves to dance and said he always wanted to learn ballroom dancing…yay!!! bonus, bonus points…he loves kids…his voice soften towards the end…it seemed more relaxed…i felt more relaxed…”

    I have one more that shared his number with me…but I responded with my number…i will wait for him to call…

    i want to work on my profile though…that is why i hesitated to get online just yet…:( i don’t think it really represents me no more…

    that’s my next thing to do…



  379.  #379boomer on June 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Elizabeth: 349

    Ick.That would feel decidedly awful for a man to poo-poo me like that. Oh wait, my ex husband often did! I quickly realized that I was neither stupid nor a rhymes-with-witch, so it lost it’s power. But it seems so low when someone resorts to name calling and scoffing. Big Ick! Hope you don’t have to deal with him often.



  380.  #380boomer on June 1, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Woooooooow.

    Venus, seriously?

    Ugly, ugly words. I gather “Venus” is a new name for someone we knew under a previous screen name here incognito. It feels terrible having potshots lobbed from a safe vantage point. You bring significant prior knowledge with you under the guise of “I’m new.”

    I feel….incredulous. Awful. Indignant on FW’s behalf. I do not defend FW just because I like and respect her and because she’s been really thoughtful and kind to me–I’d defend anyone here if someone directed the words we all saw here at ANYONE on this blog.

    FW does so much to help so many here. Who else welcomes the new women like she does? Who else takes the time to answer almost everyone here so they don’t feel ignored or passed over? OK, so even I bristled a little early on with her, but I quickly realized that her heart is in the right place and her effort is unsurpassed on this blog.

    What do the rest of us offer?

    I might get voted off the island or shunned for standing up for FW and by extension every other person on here who fears saying something their way for fear of being shut down, but right is right.

    It was worth it.



  381.  #381boomer on June 1, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    DE – yay you! Have fun expressing yourself in your profile. I know I feel so vulnerable with a profile online stating “the real me,” (rather than the usual non-sequiters…”I like to have fun!” and “I’m a laid-back girl!), but it’s so worth it when “step up” men respond. to “me.”

    Keep us posted on your adventures!



  382.  #382boomer on June 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Island Girl:

    Love love love this:

    “Just because it happened to you, just because you ‘did’ that – no matter how many times – doesn’t mean it has to happen or you have to do that again. You get a fresh start every moment.”

    I keep invoking it every time worry I’ve messed up!

    Thanks for your warmth earlier too.



  383.  #383Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    Boomer, Thank you for your powerful voice…and for the “fresh start” – I realized every time I reply – I end up taking it away and jumping off into a post, so it doesn’t seem I’m here as much as I am…and so thank you so much for taking such amazing care of and for each other! Love, Rori



  384.  #384Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    DE – keep doing what you’re doing – and online dating is just a bigger pool of men you don’t know – and so you aren’t “picking” them with the old bad habits and patterns you used to pick men from…it’s extremely helpful to just have them show up so you can practice responding….I’d love to help with profiles – perhaps you can post them as comments and we can tweak them for you? Love, Rori



  385.  #385Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    FW, Thank you for your help steering newbies – Daria wrote to say she missed me welcoming all the newbies to get them started – and I agree, miss it too, but 10 or more women were ending up in moderation every day before I could get them out…so I decided to let everyone through, and I am so grateful to all of you for discovering those who are new and welcoming them so amazingly. Kayla…I’m totally with FW – I love Tinque, and she’s your girl for “I am enough” and anything sexual, sensual, body related and so much more..and I’ll try to find your other comments so I can know you…Love, Rori



  386.  #386Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Thanks, Island girl, for the direction to that post…Love, Rori



  387.  #387Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Kayla – and all – there are always “midpoints.” I call it being “In Transit” – where you’re between the monkey bars, in that space between what you can hold onto now and what’s next to hold onto. It’s the place where you have to let go of what you’re holding onto now and sort of free-fly for a bit…and it might feel chaotic and topsy-turvy. If that’s happening – you know you’re in the right place! Love, Rori



  388.  #388Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    T-Girl – great…I’m going to put together a list of coaches and practitioners I love and recommend with links to them: Jonathon Aslay, Orna and Matthew Walters, Tinque, Virginia Feingold Clark, Allana Pratt, Shana James…so many more… Each has their specialty and track record…Love, Rori



  389.  #389Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    wow – great, DE….now love and embrace all the feelings and voices and …. I know the hardest part is the “worry” – I’ll talk more about future-thinking, seems like it would be helpful…Love, Rori



  390.  #390Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    Whoa, Venus and FW – I’m reading backwards here (it’s the way I see it in the back door of the blog) – I’ll try to see what started this…and Venus…for here…just checking in with you to see what this huge “charge” is that you have on FW – I can help you and this conversation with some tweaks to the Feeling Messages – when you say “I feel THAT…” it’s no longer a feeling message. It’s an opinion. If you can stick to the guidelines, and stay away from that’s and because’s – it’ll be much more helpful, and faster. (Venus, I just say your comment first – I’ll go backwards now…) Love, Rori



  391.  #391Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    oooo…Elizabeth…I’d love to tackle this “scoffing” thing….Sounds like a man I once knew and loved. I didn’t have the skills to disarm him then…but I believe I do now, and that you do, too….forget trying to figure out what he’s doing or why (it’s usually all about them and how they feel about themselves) – and instead, zero in on how you feel and write out how to communicate that…Love, Rori



  392.  #392Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    Boomer, I miss Mercedes, too – perhaps she’ll pop up one day! Love, Rori



  393.  #393Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    SLV! – I feel like I’m in the warm embrace of a goddess circle here…and it just keeps expanding and getting warmer…Love, Rori



  394.  #394Rori Raye on June 1, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Trinity, hi! You must be new, so welcome…everyone will help you with Feeling Messages…they are at the core of the Tools, and they work deep…it’s a “practice…” …Love, Rori



  395.  #395Daria on June 2, 2011 at 1:08 am

    Boomer – how to work backwards :

    “I struggle with this and am just…clueless abut where to begin. Because I too find men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.”

    Before the judgement : ‘men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.’. There is a feeling and a trigger

    Your mind then covers up and dissacosciayes by turning it’s attention from You, and the feelings, outside, to men, and makes it about them.

    When you notice yourself making the judgement, try to imagine the object or trigger just turns into a nondescript grayish blob. Now there’s nothing to ‘think’ about it.

    Instead how do you feel? What are the feelings that gouged having in lieu of – underneath – the judgement. Notice them and embrace them and love them copiously with all tools.



  396.  #396Daria on June 2, 2011 at 1:14 am

    I kind of feel jealous of fw because before she got here I was the one who greeted newbies and clarified what Rori teaches.

    I felt important doing that and then it also felt overwhelming so I yielded to her doing it and stopped myself.

    I feel uncomfortable looking at my feelings in this.



  397.  #397Daria on June 2, 2011 at 1:27 am

    My pof profile I made yesterday:

    Headline: angelfish; I shine so bright

    Description:
    I feel safe and comfortable with men who are in charge, romantic and masculine.

    It would feel cool to meet men in person (ones I don’t feel scared of)… I don’t like messaging online too long or even too much talking on the phone.

    I feel nervous writing this! I wonder who will show up for me?

    I’m open to all kinds of men, I often feel attracted to streetwise and powerful men… and I feel curious to experiment with all types. I don’t want to limit myself in non-essential ways.

    oh except I don’t feel open to men who are into the military and law enforcement. I feel passionately about my desires for – no prisons, no wars – and I don’t want to feel constantly triggered by energy and worldviews that don’t support my dreams

    Sometimes I feel high maintenance: I like a man who is secure in himself and can pursue me. I don’t want to call men, or travel to dates, or pay on dates… – I feel totally cool with a free date in the park as much as an extravagant wine and dine … I don’t even believe in money *freespirited wild woman*

    I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. I want to meet many men and date and practice relating on a deep level… so that I can grow and meet my HUSBAND. I want to be married and have a family and fulfilling lifelong relationship.

    First date :

    I would like to meet u nearby and get a chance to talk. The park by my house would feel cool, (it feels fun to smoke weed there when i feel like it) or there are little restaurants nearby – I love eating out, especially sushi… yum.

    Once I get to know you this first time and I can feel safe, I feel down to go with you out dancing – nightlife stuff feels super exhilarating – or to relax at your house (unless I feel intimidated) or out to wherever you decide to show me.



  398.  #398Venus on June 2, 2011 at 1:37 am

    I feel slapped in the face
    Idont want to feel unheard
    I feel sad for evil people
    I feel unloved
    I feel unappreciated
    I feel overwhelmed
    I feel backstabbed
    I feel its time to move on
    Somewhere here is a lesson
    My feelings are just as important as anyone elses. This place isnt for me anymore.
    I feel shit on.
    Ifeel wasted time coming back here.
    My time would be better spent with real and authentic people who dont have an agenda.



  399.  #399Laughing Goddess on June 2, 2011 at 1:48 am

    I feel happy.
    I feel loving towards myself.
    I feel appreciative of myself.
    I feel accepting of myself exactly as I am.
    I love myself no matter what.



  400.  #400Laughing Goddess on June 2, 2011 at 1:52 am

    I love that I am giving myself permission to follow my bliss in life!

    I feel so in love with Me, what everybody else is doing doesn’t even matter.



  401.  #401Rosa on June 2, 2011 at 3:04 am

    Boomer @276 I am happy my contribution was helpful. Personally I am amazed by all that we are not seeing when we are caught up in our own story .

    I loved what you had to say..

    “Had I called him…sure, he might have called me next, or he might have asked to see me…only to disappear again if I didn’t call him again. In this case, he would have gotten me trained. And he would have had to do very little to keep me on a string. I don’t want to be trained.”

    This is NUTS and BOLTS Siren stuff. I love this. We so train people how to treat us. I was thinking of this a short while ago when CD phoned . He had called yesterday to invite me to meet up with nil notice. I had left town already.

    I said clearly that it felt disappointing not to catch up but that I need a few days notice. He said “I’ll have to do better next time with the organisation” ..WHAT? This man lives 12 hours drive away!Did he expect I would be there waiting for him when he wafted in to town? He needs training, LOTS of training.

    Boomer I also agree with you about not always opening the mouth in an endless stream of feelings. Rori also says “STOP TALKING ..yes hand over your mouth” ..and I think that there is a place for silently feeling and processing .

    It goes without saying that people will not always agree with us or tell us what we want to hear. If what we wanted to hear was already working for us we wouldnt need to be here ..

    I was disappointed that Sirens didnt tell me to chase GMan till he recognised how wonderful i was, and that I was wise to continue holding a flame for him , or that it wasnt any of my fault he was such a d***head and total F***brain. But no, Sirens wisely pointed out home truths and the degree to which they were uncomfortable is the degree to which i needed to hear them.



  402.  #402Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 3:21 am

    378:

    DE~ I will be thinking of you this evening.

    Have fun and just be. And wouldn’t it be fun to find a person to share your love of dance with? Fun!!!

    Hugs~

    ~Lil



  403.  #403Daria on June 2, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Ohh … Feel kinda in shock…

    My new guy that I had reached out to disqualified himself … I do wonder if he was so eager to leave bec I was the one who contacted him… And maybe it didn’t register as a conquest and something he should hang onto in his lower brain ..,

    That’s his business

    Yeah the stuff he was saying I couldn’t deal with

    I feel twitchy

    I feel surprised at my strength

    I wanted to be open as there seemed two levels of this convo but as I asked him what could we do to make this feel better

    He had a good answer but

    The stuff he kept on saying as we were talking about it did not feel good it sounded way more dramatic and felt scary

    I really got that ok, I can’t deal with this. Serious issue here



  404.  #404Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 3:36 am

    384:

    Funny how when I read Rori’s thoughts about sharing our profiles here, my stomach tightened up in a big way.

    My first thought was..

    I feel way too vulnerable to share that on the island. Then I thought… My girls here, know my deepest, darkest thoughts; know where I have been and the depth of pain and hurt I have overcome and I have been accepted with open arms, why would this be any different?

    Stomach still feels tight. I’m breathing into it.

    I feel admiration for Daria for sharing her profile here.

    I feel excited for DE to start her month long Match adventure. I imagine her profile is light and vulnerable and as beautiful as she is too.

    One of the emails this morning on POF was from a man who said he loved my profile and it almost made him ask me to write his. Seriously….

    When I read Daria’s profile, where she indicates she wants a husband, it reminds me of a conversation I had with OlderDude last night. I mentioned that I desire to be married. His response was: You are scaring me. Daria will meet marriage minded men, I imagine.

    Gulp. I see him this evening.



  405.  #405Rosa on June 2, 2011 at 3:55 am

    I have been thinking about commitment.

    I was thinking about Mel and how her commitment (marriage ) now appears to be one sided .Her husband is no longer offering emotional security and reliability .

    I was thinking about Jeannette and how her commitment (engagement) is also under stress. She is not feeling that security or emotional certainty either.

    I think of other Sirens (myself included ) whose emotional commitments have long outlasted the point where they were getting pay dirt for their investment.

    I was wondering Rori if you have a post or can comment about this shifting in our commitments?

    -how to know when to commit and when to untie commitments?

    -how to recognise when a commitment has passed its use by ?

    – how to care for our feelings best when our commitment is under seige (eg suddenly he’s flaking , or another woman , or just plain feeling his withdrawal)



  406.  #406Meemee on June 2, 2011 at 5:27 am

    I feel calm now.
    I feel happy
    I feel motivated



  407.  #407Meemee on June 2, 2011 at 5:38 am

    Sirens
    A friend of mine came to meet me today. She is having a relationship with one of her colleagues. She is a christian and he is a Hindu brahmin. They are in a relationship for the last 4 years. When he talked to his parents about her and marrying her they protested. So he wants to back off from the relationship. She made a scene by crying and he went back and talked to his family again. Now they say they will consider this if she is willing to convert to Hinduism.
    She feels confused.
    She asked me what do i think about this.

    I feel bad that when his parents objected his pimary impulse was to back off. So I feel suspicious. But thats only my feeling. I didnt tell her this because i didnt want to confuse her more.

    But it appears to me that the only way to work this out is only if she is willing to convert. In the beginning she had told her lover that they will continue in their respective faiths. But now she feels vulnerable and is considering conversion.

    Any suggestions on this?
    Meemee



  408.  #408Meemee on June 2, 2011 at 5:46 am

    On one hand it appears that the only way to make this relation work is by her converting into his religion and he wants her badly and that is why he is letting his parents talk to her and negotiate with her.
    On the other hand it feels unpleasant that he is compelling her to take his religious views to make a marriage happen given that they have a choice to continue in their respective faiths.
    But I dont know what is permitted in a relationship and how much one should compromise to keep a relationship going.

    But she feels confused because she at times doubts why he brought this issue of conversion at all and wonders whetehr that has to say anything about this guy’s commitement towards her and is it a red flag?

    Meemee



  409.  #409Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 5:49 am

    Goodmorning 🙂

    ok so I have to share this…I’m not feeling anything …a little relief maybe..

    So last night Hotpilot cooked us dinner at his place…and I’ve been feeling like maybe I want some space..anywho he wasn’t very touchy feely at all..and I could pick up that something was bothering him..so we played some card games and laughed (I won the most 😉 and then he scooted over to cuddle and I just decided to ask him if he wanted to talk about anything…

    WHOA…for about two hours he expressed all his worries..

    he’s worried about

    if I want to be a stay at home mom and what that would mean for him

    If I don’t want to work

    that someone? (me, I’m guessing) will only marry him because he’s a pilot and not for the real him

    that he won’t be able to make ends meet

    that he will be stuck worrying about money all alone in a marriage

    that he sees this happen ALL the time where women use their men for financial reasons or get married to a man just because of what he does…

    I kept checking in with myself…It felt bad to reassure him…so I didn’t..I asked him if he trusted himself enough to not marry someone who is after money or prestige…he said he hopes so

    I said I felt confused…that if he’s worried about all this stuff that maybe he doesn’t really know me..I really didn’t know what to say…I felt kinda numb and turned off

    I did wonder if he’s worried about “someone” (he kept saying that…I’m going to put ME in there) liking him for his profession…how come I’m not worried about someone liking me for my body or good looks?? I feel like that is part of who I am…like…ya of course.. it’s part of the “package” the attraction…hmmm…feels interesting…

    this feels weird to think…but right now I’m like..well….this is my way out…to express that I want to date other men…to open things up…and I feel a little sad about that too…there’s only 1 MAN that I’ve ever thought without a doubt that YES I want to marry him no matter what for better or for worse..

    Lucy…I totally hear you on that..I have fears too of “how do you ever really know”



  410.  #410Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 5:52 am

    I feel confused that I didn’t have more intense feelings come up…either way…wanting to continue the relationship or to go our separate ways…



  411.  #411Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 5:54 am

    RE 385 You are welcome Rori.

    I have to say I have felt loved in this place by the overwhelming amount of love and appreciated expressed by the ladies here. Sometimes I worry about newbies getting lost in the shuffle of people responding to each other and have reached out to try and avoid that. I feel the warmth of the embrace also and feel like that is a safe place here on Siren Island. Rori I love how you embrace other coaches as well and have learnt from and am intrigued by the feminine grace of Virginia Feingold Clark, Tinque, Orna Walters, Susan Quinn and last but not least yourself. I might have missed a few but I love them all. When I say I am intrigued I sincerely mean it and I look forward to transforming myself with some of the expertise of each that you have introduced to me. Feminine grace is a transfixing topic for me and something I have admired in others but never felt the need or desire to develop in myself. I had in my past embraced the warrior princess persona but it no longer holds any appeal or attraction for me. I am encouraged and blessed by all the ladies here and their stories and look forward to continue sharing with them.

    I have experienced this as a safe place and want to say I still feel safe. I would like to invite those in cyberspace who are afraid to share their stories and just hang out to join the conversation and share themselves. When I shared myself Daria, Lucy, DE, Boomer, Loneplum and others stepped forward to help. I appreciate and love all but have to say I have a soft spot for Loneplum, love how she expresses herself. Sorry if I missed anyone but I love all. Jacqueline is special in her own way and Jacqueline I am still navigating my way around totally and truly appreciating you.

    I believe there is a lesson in this experience. One of it for me is that I can only spew out or into the world or share with the world what is going on in my inner game. As CCarter says communication IS the response I get. I get that now. I come here to work on my inner game and I can truly say I am in a better place now than when I joined some time ago. In my past I used to engage everyone and everything. Now I understand that I do have a choice. I choose to be mature. I choose to radiate and share love. I choose softness, warmth and openness. I choose to re-present myself to the world. So now I choose to walk away from relationships rather than fight. I don’t want to fight for love. I don’t want to talk at people I want to talk with them. I have learnt a lot about talking with people from DE, Lucy and Boomer. Their styles are different but they have been teachers to me in that area.

    Thanks for reading. I love you all and appreciate you.



  412.  #412Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 5:56 am

    I feel a disconnect with Hotpilot..that’s the underlying feeling…and I feel unsure if it has to do with not connecting during sex…as far as having an orgasm…we have been dating 3 1/2 months and I have NEVER had an orgasm with him…that feels bad…I feel judgemental about it

    I feel unsure of how to express what I’m feeling and then to express it to him so that I can keep my heart open



  413.  #413Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 6:01 am

    also I did do the lean back and unzippering my heart…I wanted to stay open warm and authentic…and just “be” while he was expressing his concerns…

    He seemed to feel happy and feel better after our talk…I wanted to feel feelings of love and closeness and connectedness..but I didn’t…why?



  414.  #414Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:02 am

    RE 409 Thanks for sharing that Jilly. I have to admit I read that through the filter of CCarter saying its best to process doubts and fears before the big commitment. I have heard similar things myself and looking at what he said to you, I sense it is healthy for him to have shared that. I also believe it is healthy for him to think that way so he can be sure for himself what he is really feeling, needing and choosing for his life. If he convinces himself that he is wrong about you related to most of those things and the relationship survives I believe you could possibly have a man who will be devoted to you for the rest of your life. I understand guys seeing themselves as winners or successful in life when they can take care of and provide for their families. If they can’t some have learnt the hard way that they are considered losers by their women and they worry they can keep them happy. Before you dismiss it I would encourage you to take a look at his worldview, through his eyes, understand his past experiences with other women or maybe his friends experiences. Most of us are scared sh****less when it comes to love. Just my take on it.



  415.  #415Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 6:03 am

    FW..I love that last post from you…feels warm and melty and soft…big sigh…

    I love being a woman…how can a man not fall in love with a woman? we are sooooooo irresistable!!



  416.  #416Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:05 am

    RE 413 I would suggest giving yourself the space to get there. He was sharing his truth, his reality and it’s not necessarily yours. If you can get through this tough patch, I believe the connection will be stronger.



  417.  #417Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:08 am

    RE 412 Jilly I believe Tinque could help you there. Have you ever checked out her blog by clicking on her name?



  418.  #418Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 6:11 am

    FW thank you…I was doing a lot of thinking…and I would rather have a man who thinks ahead rather than not thinking about the future

    maybe it was just the way it came across…but I feel glad that he is so responsible..

    ugg…this doesn’t seem to be coming out right…but I do hear and get what you are saying…



  419.  #419Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 6:13 am

    FW~

    You are loved.



  420.  #420Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:14 am

    RE 409 By the way Jilly I have a friend whose husband told me before they got married he asked her if she was intrigued by his father’s popularity and status because he couldn’t offer her that and if that is what she was attracted to blah blah blah. He was in New York, she was in Florida. She hung the phone up on him and apparently felt it was confidence why she did that. He stepped up his game after that and won her. Initially they struggled but they are happily married now and he appreciates her public all the time and show PDAs. I guess you are at what CCarter calls a make or break moment.



  421.  #421Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Lilybelle I just realized I forgot to mention you in my previous comment. Reason why I usually try to steer away from calling names. I know you love me though, and I love you very much and I so what to see big love come your way. I truly love this place and my Siren sisters here. Doesn’t it feel good and raise your vibration just putting that love out there?



  422.  #422Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Jilly~

    Wow! I have to say that I am impressed with HotPilot. His willingness to express what he was feeling is kinda a big deal. I wonder if that is the point where some men “poof”…you know, when they are questioning themselves.

    I gotta believe this is an important stage in your relationship not only for him, but also for you, Jilly.

    I would take some time and really explore where I was at and what I was feeling about the whole relationship. You know? I am not expressing myself as clearly as I would like..

    ~Hugs, Jilly.

    ~Lil



  423.  #423Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:20 am

    RE 399 LG I love you too. I just love how skilled you are at turning towars yourself and expressing you into the world.



  424.  #424Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 6:22 am

    421:

    It does feel good, FW..it really does.

    🙂



  425.  #425Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:22 am

    RE 405 Rosa I love that. Those are some big questions that could help clarify when we get to that sticking point where sometimes things just don’t or maybe can’t move forward.



  426.  #426Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 6:23 am

    I believe one can never go wrong when love is at the base of all expressing. When you send it out, it will and does come back.



  427.  #427Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Jilly 387 from Rori could have been written you also, I believe.



  428.  #428Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Thanks Lilybelle 🙂 It feels like something is happening here….a different way for both of us…he expressed that typically in his relationships he didn’t really care if it worked out or not so he’s never really talked about this stuff…and for me, my thing I usually do is make up my mind about something and determine the relationship is over before even communicating that something is not working for me….hmmmm

    and I agree FW…when I read that post from Rori it resonated with me…thank you for sharing your friends story with me…I really like hearing things like that

    I took a personal day from work…to take care of me so I can feel balanced



  429.  #429Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Lilybelle…you are sounding so confident and open and authentic these days…yay 🙂



  430.  #430Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 7:02 am

    429:

    It feels great that you have noticed, Jilly.

    I feel fantastic!



  431.  #431Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 7:07 am

    well…I can really feel it coming through from you…I haven’t caught up on posts…just skimmed..but OlderDude is tonight??



  432.  #432T-Girl on June 2, 2011 at 7:09 am

    New post up!



  433.  #433Elizabeth on June 2, 2011 at 7:10 am

    391.
    Rori, so good to see so many comments from you to all the sirens here! Thank you for commenting on the scoffing and I look forward to anything else you might have to say about it. Actually, I do believe I did disarm him with feeling messages during our convo last night! He told me he loves me from the first moment he ever set eyes on me (which is a long time ago) and would never say or do anything to hurt me, does not mean to be condescending or to put me down, is only concerned for my well-being. A bit of a wanker, if you ask me, but, oh well! I felt more heard by him than I had in a long time, and had a big sigh of relief for now. I see him as a product of his personality, conditioning, programming. If nothing else, he’s good practice for me all around, as I don’t see throwing this guy out of my life and I don’t think he will ever stop calling me and trying to visit me.

    🙂

    xoxo



  434.  #434Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 7:26 am

    431:

    Yep, OlderDude is tonight. I am working on being extremely open and surprised. 🙂



  435.  #435Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 7:47 am

    so I know Hotpilot is triggered by women who just stay home while their husband goes out and works…

    my mom stays home
    both my sister in laws stay home
    my sister mostly stays home

    It would feel good to have my man want me to stay home if that’s what I wanted (though I do like working especially if I LOVE my job) which I don’t at the moment but I have had jobs that I’ve loved (more importantly if we had children)

    so on TV last night (before the TALK) was Real Housewives of New Jersey and Hotpilot was expressing his irritation about the women’s lives on the show and I purposely pushed his buttons by saying “well…what’s wrong with it?” seems normal to me LOL….little did I know what he had been worrying about for however long…I feel a little amused



  436.  #436DE on June 2, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Rori # 389 & 384:

    Wow, I feel so happy to be noticed. Thank you dearly for your feedback. I currently use an older profile…pretty simple, yet it sure doesn’t say much as to who I really am these days…I will take your advice and post on the new blog my old profile and my new one…yet, i admit i feel afraid of judgements 🙁 I read some awesome ones posted by Boomer and some other sirens and I felt pretty small…lol

    Hopefully, I will take some inspiration from theirs and include my heart and will see what it comes out …:) I kinda of feel excited about it now 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  437.  #437DE on June 2, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Boomer 381:

    Thank you for the warm wishes, yet it might be hard to top your writing abilities 🙂 If (i am still unsure) and when I post mine, I would love your input 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  438.  #438DE on June 2, 2011 at 7:54 am

    FW# 411:

    Wow, I feel so touched to have been of help…wow- thank you, it means a lot to me…

    Warm hugs,



  439.  #439DE on June 2, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Lilybelle 404 &402:

    Thank you so much for the warm wishes for my “meeting” tonite …i feel reluctant to call it a “date”…:)

    I feel a bit enthusiastic about the process to start dating again…as a newer, improved me 🙂 Can’t wait to notice, notice, and again notice moi 🙂

    I noticed your growth and strength coming more and more these days 🙂 I feel happy to see that 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  440.  #440DE on June 2, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Venus #398

    I feel sad reading your post…yet, I feel happy u express yourself…

    Something about you reminds me of myself somehow…I recall starting on the blog and feeling sooo triggered by writing styles, perceived tone, etc…and my first post was actually a very judgmental post towards someone…which stirred up a big fight 🙂

    Now, looking back, had I knew then what I know now, I would have expressed myself differently…make it about myself and not use my perception about the other person…which was actually my own trigger…from the past…i recall this woman’s style reminded me of spoiled girls (daddy’s girls) back in school…well, i felt jealous…i stopped being a “daddy’s girl” when i was five…i felt abandoned, etc…

    Anyway, the blog brought up many triggers for myself…and lots of opportunities to heal them…:)

    I hope you stay so we can all learn from each other 🙂 and I would love to ask you…”what’s u story gf?”

    Big warm hugs,



  441.  #441Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 8:27 am

    RE 435 Jilly I believe each relationship is different and the people involved in it have to work out together some agreement about how it works. I remember Rori referring to the relationship like a third presence.



  442.  #442Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Dsria – I love this way of working with a trigger – the grayish blob….great comment. Love, Rori



  443.  #443Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Wow – There couldn’t be more different voices than Daria and FW – I so appreciate you both. Daria, you’re the queen of riffing alone, and you’re so amazing and helpful around so many other things. I appreciate whenever either of you welcomes newbies and goes into your “boy” voices to clarify anything…we couldn’t do without you here…. You all know how much I resist “selling” and even linking to my programs here, and yet I know that each program offers so much…and so I appreciate you all for illuminating and helping with individual Tools in them as we go along…Love, Rori



  444.  #444Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Wow, Daria – this is the most amazing profile I’ve ever read. It breaks every pre-conception around…please keep us posted on the kind of men who show up! When you have some data, try it on OKCupid, too – also….is there some way to let us see your photos (this one is gorgeous) – perhaps put them on your blog? Love, Rori



  445.  #445Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Venus – There’s something going on here….but I don’t know what it is….I didn’t moderate you – and I LOVE your voice here! Did I cause you to feel “slapped”? Love, Rori



  446.  #446Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:47 am

    ooops – missed the “slut” comment….will check backwards..Love, Rori



  447.  #447Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 8:56 am

    DE – what a great post…thank you for expressing your experience with triggering and how easy it is to go into blame and judgment in our heads – and then dance around that even more inside our heads. There’s always something deeper than “differences” – what anyone says is never “personal” to us – it’s always about the other person, and yet what I go for when I get triggered is simply: “There’s only me.” That really helps me see that it’s all just about gathering information, discovering what triggers me, and using any “charge” I have from someone or something to work through my own fear. For me – we’re literally “all one.” If I go with the concept of “non-separation” – that we’re all one – then what shows up out there is just a reflection of what’s going on inside my head – the warring of the parts of me. And then I start there. This always makes me feel better.

    Basically…I track how I feel – it just sort of washes over me….oooo…Here I am again – jumping off into a post…Love, Rori



  448.  #448Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Rori I believe the “charge” started somewhere between 358 and 414 here
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/sinking-and-fixing-how-can-they-work-together/#respond



  449.  #449Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 9:11 am

    RE 447 I am finding that I am allowing people and their stuff to “wash” over me or should I say wash off me like water on a duck’s back. I don’t react to things people do and say like I used to. I allow them and I am not clinging on to what they in my head or heart like I used to. If I get hurt I do remember and at times physically remove myself but I can see them now through eyes of empathy and compassion. I learned from Daria that truth without compassion is not truth, so I intentionally embrace that.



  450.  #450Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 9:25 am

    The slut comment was made by Boomer in 181 when she was talking about her daughter. As I understand it was explaining what teenage girls can experience in schools. My daughter has used it to me too about what she hears in the corridors in describing how some of the girls act at parties. She is in a girls school and I continuously bring to her attention stuff I read here and have seen in my experience. In my opinion it was brought up in good faith and was not “the charge”.



  451.  #451Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Again, I feel triggered by judgements. And apparently, do not have clue one on how to heal that part of me. Perhaps because it runs so deep.

    I feel afraid if I talk about it, I will start crying and never stop.

    I feel scared to talk about it here. This is the one thing that I continue to stuff down; the hurt and very real, severe pain of how I was judged and still feel judged.

    I want a safe place to go and let this all out…forever.

    Crying at work, is so not cool. I am supposed to be in my boy energy. I need to be in my boy energy…but I am totally girl right now…

    I have got to find a way to heal this….feeling this right now feels like my heart hurting, physically. It’s the only place I feel it.

    I need a hug.

    I can hear Tinque telling me “you did the very best you could do at the time”. I am trying to remember this..

    I do not want to cry.



  452.  #452Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 10:46 am

    RE 451
    Big Hugs Lilybelle. I cry at work. If anyone asks I tell them I just need some time alone. Sometimes I go to the accessible restroom and just be with myself.



  453.  #453Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I do feel triggered by judgements also and I ask myself where am I judging myself. I also tap and practice releasing the judgement out of my body. Or just tap and give myself love and acceptance.



  454.  #454Jilly on June 2, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Lilybelle….big big hugs from me too!



  455.  #455Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 11:23 am

    @342: Boomer says:
    “Urgh. Sorry to unload on you on your first foray back among us!…”

    No burden, I love it. I like to share too. Sorry you are bored. Do you need more time for yourself, just yourself in addition to dating time or friend time? Being a mother takes A LOT OF TIME!!!

    A couple of weeks ago, due to illness in family I got heavy duty grandmother duty: taking children to school, snacks, meals, homework, picking them up from school and afterschool classes as well, hours of them! I live a few minutes away from them there was sometimes three (or four!) trains a day to commute to school. Yikes. After a week I was pooped. I love my family but I really like my teeny little empty nest.

    Boomer, vacation days might help, what do you think? When I worked in an office full-time I liked to spread out vacation days to get the biggest bang for my buck… breaking down two weeks of vacation (10 work days) into 3, 3 and 4 days off instead of 10 days in a row.

    That way I could get TWO mini-vacays of 5 days each (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday) and if I then took the remaining 4 days after a three day holiday, that made an additional 9-day longer vacation (actually 9-1/2 days because usually everyone leaves early on those Fridays anyway…. ) 😆

    Plus, when I did it that way there was the bonus of FOUR short workweeks as well!

    I had “three weeks vacation” so I used the last 5 days for 9 days or so Christmas to New Year’s vacation. 😆 Four weeks would have meant a couple more mini-vacays…

    You probably do this already but it’s good to use one of those short vacations for self. Or you could relocate to Europe and work there; I hear the European companies are more generous with holidays. 🙂

    My DDIL arranged to work four days a week, coming in and leaving an hour later…so same hours per week. But there are other ways too. I think I mentioned before, Tim Ferriss’s “4-Hour Workweek” — there are some good ideas in the book which excite me.

    “Tell me about your soul mate rings–they sound lovely–but what was the point of them again? I missed that previously…”

    I might have forgotten the original point… LOL … I tend to rearrange and create my own magic. hahaha I think the rings started out as feng shui and setting an intention to find a soulmate. I planned to hang a couple on the window of my “relationship corner.” But once I noticed there was a machine in the supermarket that dispensed little rings for 50 cents I bought more.

    When I discovered the supermarket in another block had similar rings for 25 cents each… well, I was hooked… I got a ring whenever I bought groceries or visited the delis there… So far four wedding bands, three signet rings and twenty-one solitaire stones.

    Also I made “room” for a soulmate to live with me: I’m still doing that, getting used to having a man around… if only in my mind. I’ve been doing that since March 20, my former wedding anniversary, when I “renewed my love vows”… to me! I’ve acted on ideas of my own after reading Arielle Ford’s “Soulmate Secret.” That made it more fun. 🙂

    I’ve been asking aloud every night “Are you sleeping with me tonight?” I fell asleep one night before asking! I woke up in middle of night and asked; I think I heard… “yes, I’m here.” I think I heard that… 😉

    I have spring fever… I’m enjoying it but “to-do” list is growing.

    xoxo
    SLV



  456.  #456Boomer on June 2, 2011 at 11:53 am

    436 – DE – Ella, I am a writer by profession! I almost have an unfair advantage with profile writing. And I often wonder about my own profiles: whether I am just not able to live up to–in person–the awesome spin I put on myself in writing. Is my reality not live up to my excellent PR???

    I’ll tell ya, it feels confusing to have men fall all over themselves for me before we meet…and after we meet and “I” come shining through with all my quirks and FMs and esoteric humor…they leave. I have heard often, “I don’t get you.”

    So having an “amazing profile” may just be working against me.

    It feels wonderful getting your compliments, but I know you can just be your charming, “Darling” self and attract all kinds of men with the honesty, integrity, and sincerity you show us here.



  457.  #457LonePlum on June 2, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Elizabeth 349

    ***says things to me about me with contempt in his voice. I couldn’t think of a good word to describe it other than contemptuous. I don’t care if he is kidding or has a dark sense of humor. I don’t like it.It feels like he is trying to “tame me” in a non-benevolent way. ***

    I think in terms of “tame” since the day I’ve read in french “the little prince” from Antoine De Saint-Exupéry.
    I was 10, and it was an assignment in school. I was in Africa, like the pilot in the book.
    I did not like it at first, found it boring. It was a man’s imagination, once more, like most books we were told to read in school.

    Years later in a different country, I was going through a terrible heart break. I was 23.
    One day, I was sat at a friend’s house waiting for her, when my eyes spoted a book, resting on a side table, by my chair. I picked it up. It was “the little prince”, in Spanish. I read it all in one go. Nobody disturbed me, and I forgot I was not even in my home. When I put the book back down on the side table, I was a different woman.
    I was understanding my feelings. I went to buy a copy to keep with me for ever.

    When I was 29, I was pregnant, my husband was away on an international tour, and I went to a library. I bumped onto the little prince in English. I sat there on the floor, in the library, and read it in one go.
    It put another new light on my life yet again. Different from the last time I had read it, but as fulfilling.

    It is a magical book.

    I put the 3 versions in my baby’s room for her to pick them up in any time of her life.

    The book originally written in french uses the word “apprivoiser”.
    “To tame”.
    “ Apprivoiser” means: A is attracted by B, he wants to tame B. He does not want to posses her, he wants her to trust him, to want to be with him.
    A is the one who provides the ritual that will bring the feeling of safety.
    B is the one who handles the time.
    B takes all the time in the world to decide if she feels safe enough to let A step in her vital space.
    B’s reactions tell A when he can approach or not. Taming is about freedom, trust, respect, and patience.

    May be you mean something else, like “dompter” in french.
    “To master”.
    Like when you force a wild horse to get used to men and to work for them. You touch the horse’s body before he trusts you, before he wants you to. You force him to accept your touch. You ride him against his will, to start with. And he will accept you ride him only when he understands that he cannot get rid of you and he has no more strength to fight you. After which you reward him and prove to him he gets to be taken care of when he cooperates. He grows to remember he will get food and care.

    Yet I think what your “friend” does is not “dompter” nor “apprivoiser”.
    It is “briser”, “to crush” the animal spirit or the woman self esteem.
    Probably another wounded man yet…

    xxx



  458.  #458Lucy on June 2, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Boomer, why not include your quirks and humor and FM’s and all the real you in your profile? A good writer can spin a fantasy of herself; a great writer can capture her own true and unique essence in words. 😉



  459.  #459Daria on June 2, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I have sexy, devil may carish photos.

    One is me w my phone on the mirror, I’m laying on my side in the floor and am basically on hands and knees in a collared shirt and grey skirt.

    One is this one w me I’ma biz suit yet showing cleavage

    One is my torso in a sexy low-cut dress.

    I got 8 pages – PAGES of messages the first few hours. That’s maybe 100 messages.

    Yesterday, I didn’t log on till late it was up to 11 pages.



  460.  #460Daria on June 2, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Wow rori thank you for your appreciation.

    About my profile – I feel thrilled and a little scared reading what you thought of it. Wow. Well . :). Ok. Hehe. Yay.

    Men have written that they like it,

    Many actually have commented on my profession listed as dating and relationship coach.



  461.  #461LonePlum on June 2, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    411 FW

    *** I appreciate and love all but have to say I have a soft spot for Loneplum, love how she expresses herself.***

    I’m running out of cigarettes, sorry Babe!
    lol
    😉

    xxx



  462.  #462Boomer on June 2, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    FW, thank you for clarifying the “slut” comment for Rori. It felt terrible being misunderstood regarding my use of the word. You hit the nail on the head: In trying to identify with a new younger siren, I was referring to my teen daughter’s hesitation to CD at her age and in her peer group where girls who accept dates with multiple boys are called that word and worse, whether or not they are being sexual with their dates. My point was, she’s doing it (in a limited fashion), and it has helped her own her dating experience, get over a boyfriend on whom she was hooked, and feel better about herself. She hates FMs though. LOL. Like her mother, she’s a walking cerebrum…very thought-oriented and logical! But at 18, she can make such a difference in her own life, and 50-year-old Chrissy will thank her!

    I did not “defend” my use of the word at the time, as I felt clear and sincere about my meaning, and as my father used to say: you can please some of the people some of the time…

    Rori, I hope my meaning was clear for you, and if not–if I violated some protocol or did something not in the way you prefer here–please let me know. I am gathering that “judgments,” even very personal ones that are the meat of internal work, can trigger people here (and IRL, I suppose). I never meant to offend anyone, but my stuff is my stuff, and I am where I am. I can’t be where you or you or you are…I am not any of you. I have my own back catalog of ups and downs to explore here. I’d like to feel safe exploring here, if I may continue to do so. I’d like us all to have that privilege here. Thanks.



  463.  #463Boomer on June 2, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Lucy: Thanks for your thought…believe me, I DO include all of the quirky, silly obscurity in my profile. They eat it up. In theory it seems. Somehow, the reality of a “bigger than life” woman is scary?? I don’t know. I’m not all THAT “big,” I don’t think. I have stayed the course with a profile that I really think shows me as I am. I continue to feel surprise and disappointment when men who respond to my humor and pop culture references and slight irreverence in my profile don’t like it in the real me. I’ve been told, “I don’t get you.” A guy friend says it’s because most men only look at the pictures anyway: THAT feels disheartening! Actually, I almost always hear that I am far better looking in person than my pictures, so I’m not thinking that it’s my looks they are disappointed in.

    I’m gonna think on this…I wonder what I could do differently or if I should do anything differently. Hmmm.



  464.  #464Boomer on June 2, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    LP, that was beautiful and insightful.



  465.  #465Lilybelle on June 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    461: Loneplum:

    “I’m running out of cigarettes…….”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I needed this.



  466.  #466Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    @Elizabeth

    🙂 Glad to be here.

    xoxo
    SLV



  467.  #467LonePlum on June 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    465 Lilybelle

    I won’t ask what “this” refers to 😉

    lol
    🙂

    xxx



  468.  #468Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    @351: tinque says:

    Hey you! I’m still doing the ad project. Very interesting. Over seven hundred… 🙂

    xoxo
    SLV



  469.  #469LonePlum on June 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    464: Boomer

    Merci, chère amie 🙂

    xxx



  470.  #470Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    @380: boomer says:

    “… I gather “Venus” is a new name for someone we knew under a previous screen name here incognito….

    Ooooo, a mystery. I can’t help being curious. I see one siren has gone through a few incarnations and the original returned… 🙂 That was cool. 8)

    OK, who this time? Rusty?

    xoxo
    SLV



  471.  #471Femininewoman on June 2, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Loneplum et al I just love you ladies here.



  472.  #472Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    @393: Rori Raye

    It’s a joy to see your words on the blog.

    xoxo
    SLV



  473.  #473Senior Lady Vibe on June 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    @398: Venus says:
    “I feel slapped in the face..”

    Oh, this is not good. I misunderstood, thinking you really were someone else. I am sorry to have said so. Feeling slapped is terrible. Not what I wished.

    xoxo
    SLV.



  474.  #474Boomer on June 2, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    SLV, I’m ready to drop it, unless it’s somehow healing for the community to keep working through it.

    I will rarely speak up for myself, but I go into Mama Bear mode when I feel bad for someone else. I wonder if I put to much weight on “fairness” sometimes.

    I feel ambivalent about my defending tendency: on the one hand it feels noble, on the other it feels…self-serving and self-righteous.

    Huh. Gonna explore that too.



  475.  #475tinque on June 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Lilybelle – Yes indeed, you did do the best you could in that moment. Sending love and hugs.

    xxoo



  476.  #476tinque on June 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    SLV – 700!!! Yikes. Are you going to send me a sampling? I would love to see.

    xxoo