The Girlfriend Trap – It’s SO Easy To Fall Into, And So Hard To Dig Out Of

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The Question:

Hi Rori, Thank you for all the tools. I wrote you 2 years ago. And you said if I kept at the tools, better men would show up and better men have shown up!

The more in-tuned I’ve gotten with myself, the more open men and just people are. I circular date EVERYWHERE.

I’ve gotten so many free things, dinners, favors, hugs, encouragement, love, just by being open and present.

When someone asks me how my day is going, if its not going well, I say that, instead of the “Im ok.”

I’ve been doing the self work too, like healing past issues and finally making the journey to meet a sister I never knew I had! And can you believe, our story is being made into a documentary.

Well one of the most thoughtful men I’ve ever met showed up, while I was at a coffee shop, I looked a mess. I was there for a meeting. Funny thing is we both served in the same humanitarian group that travels the world to provide free health and agricultural care.

We’ve been in the same meetings in our city but never spoke. So, on this day, he said hello, we connected and really got deep.

What I love about him is he plans all our dates, and would plan 5-7 days in advance! For my birthday he took me to the theater after he heard me say that I was interested in the arts. We exchanged gifts for Christmas and spent new years together.

I know about his family secrets and I revealed some things about my past that I was scared to share, and Rori, he kept showing up. I’d say I’m looking for a Real Relationship, and he kept showing up, and I thought wow…this is a man.

I sensed a shift after we attended a new years party at a friends home. A stranger asked him how long we had been married. I could see him from the corner of my eye. His eyes got huge, he gulped his drink and said, we’re dating. So I chimed in and said “yea! easy, its only been 4-5 months” we all laughed.

But that kept happening. More people showing up and they thought we were married. Even our Uber Driver asked.

The following week we went out and a lady at the jazz spot said, “Wow, what a great looking couple” and she called her husband over and then said she wanted to take a picture of us to remember that night.

He was surprised and said that he had never had someone care so much about taking a picture of him. I didn’t hear from him for a week after that.

But I stayed busy, I knew he was processing and working on his project (he’s writing a book, and starting his own financial company) so I didn’t freak out. When I finally did hear from him, I expressed how good it was to hear from him. We talked and it was nice. but at the end, I noticed that this time, no plans were made to see each other.

Since then, I saw him 2 times in a month, and it was really starting to make me feel bad. I called him and expressed how I was feeling. He told me that he understood, that he knows it’s important to feel thought of, he told me that he can get consumed with work, and If I ever felt neglected, to let him know.

I told him that I want to see him accomplish his goals and I don’t want to get in the way of that, that our outings don’t always have to be elaborate dates, they can just be relaxing at a coffee shop doing work together, cooking etc.

He planned invited me for a bike ride after our talk. It was nice, he took pictures of me on his phone and sent it to me. The night ended early and I left feeling like something was off. I didn’t hear from him the whole weekend. I leaned allllll the way back, and Rori an entire week went by.

I felt so sad, but I engulfed myself in my own projects, my film. He would text and check in on me but it was all small talk.

I began to prepare my speech. I was feeling confused because I wasn’t sure if this was a point to walk him over the bridge with me, or to give the ” I’m not looking for a boyfriend” speech. SO I gave it more time. 3 weeks passed and still minimal contact.

He remembered appointments that I had, and he’d check on me, wish me well in the day and so one day when he did I said, “I’ve been feeling unsettled, I have a lot of respect for you and your one of the most thoughtful people, I’ve met. I’m feeling bad and sad and I find myself wondering whats going on and I don’t want to be in a place of ambiguity. I’m looking for a real relationship. Its been 6 months now and I realized I don’t even really know how you feel about me, and that’s OK, but I cant continue in a way that doesn’t feel good for me.”

He responded “I understand, I have a lot of respect for you too and certainly don’t want you to feel out of sorts. You should be with someone you can enjoy life with, I’m not going to hold you back from that”.

I said “Ok”, and thanked him for listening.  I thought that was it, but in the following 2 days, he was sending me text messages. Wishing me well on my day and reaching out. Confused by this, I asked him based on our previous conversation, what his thoughts were about everything.

He said ” I enjoy spending time with you. My understanding is that you want an exclusive relationship and more time, which you deserve. I’m not sure my time now aligns with what you’ve expressed. You’re a good woman, and I don’t want you to feel bad, sad or mad, internally or at me”.

I thought he was going to say that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, or that he met someone else. SO I had to think of another speech. I spoke to a friend, who told me to take things as they come with him, and just enjoy the moments and not to be “needy.” That he doesn’t want to loose me and that I shouldn’t equate the amount of time he spends with me, to the level of his commitment.

But I know myself, and I decided to say “Thank you for your honesty, and openness and always being that way with me. I think you’re a great man and I know you are going to impact many people in a positive way. I feel feelings for you beyond friendship, and I know myself, I dont want to be in a position to feel jealous or upset, I can communicate or be friends with you just now”.

He never responded.

Rori, I need advice. “Confused and Upset”

My Answer:

Confused and Upset, You sound amazing and awesome in the way you’ve communicated, the way you Circular Date, the way you are being. You attracted a great man.

Only thing – he’s not the right man for you.

And the way you know that is that he simply stopped showing up.

That’s your answer right there – there’s no why or wherefore, there’s no reason, there’s nothing to be fixed – he just stopped showing up, and that’s all you need to know.

What happened here, as far as I can tell, is that there never was a commitment made (at least not in my book) and at the point where he stopped showing up – that is where the exclusivity should’ve ended ( in my opinion – we NEVER even BEGIN exclusivity under the conditions you describe!).

So we can talk more about that.

Without you having to say a single word to him, that’s where you must continue to circular date.

A man has absolutely no business claiming you exclusively without showing up 3 to 4 times a week – including just hanging out around the houses casually.

That’s it.

I would really love to encourage you to get a coach.

Having somebody hold your hand through a few months can make all the difference in the way you’re using the tools.

And can make all the difference in the way you’re relating to a man.

Much love, Rori

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23 Comments

  1.  #1Angela on March 19, 2017 at 12:34 am

    Oh! I know how this feels! I think we all do. We get so invested in a man he seems so into us then bam, he disappears . It feels so sad. He tries to let us down easily, maybe he disappears, maybe he says let’s be friends , maybe he says I don’t know about us.
    And all we hear is , we might still have a chance.
    And then we think something is wrong with us.
    I loved what rori said here, once he stops showing up , that’s it.
    I wish this was easy, like a habit.
    Wish that once a man stopped showing up I would say “ok bye and thank you”.
    I think that leaning back, trusting life has a better man for me out there , being a girl , would definitely help in this situation.
    I wish it was easy for me to stop the fantasies of being together and that chemical pull, once a man backed off.

    I think it’s trusting what I need to do.
    Ok you back off, ok bye I need to not pay attention to my fantasies , I need to be a girl. Girls don’t have to do anything to be loved, a new wonderful man will show up.
    Being a girl feels powerful , I don’t lose anything when a man leaves my life.
    Oh you left? good ! you made room for a better man/men to show up.
    For better love!
    Lovely thought!



  2.  #2Angela on March 19, 2017 at 12:39 am

    And what is stoping me from using these tools?
    We’ll maybe why I’m getting so invested because of my low self esteem and lack of imagination.
    I must see the truth I’m a girl men want to be with a feminine woman, and what is making me chase down one man ? it’s my limiting beliefs … truth is many good men exist !



  3.  #3Andrea on March 20, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I read your book, How To Make Him Fall For You a few times and I love it! I have been married for a bit over two years. We have two young beautiful boys but we are in a tough spot right now. Counseling is just not working.
    My hubby owns a supply chain company and travels every single week. I am a stay at home mom. I do teach Pilates and cook for a local chef. I only work a few hours a week but I love it.

    Since last summer I have seen major changes in my husband. He always use to adore me. He now travels every week. He’s home in the weekends and while we are together fur only a few days he is my sons basketball coach, he is the twin political facilitator and runs our school alliance. People love him because he’s a smart man and gets the job done. I have expressed that I feel so alone. I’m so sad that we do not have sex any more and we barely go in dates. I stop initiating everything because I’m crushed. He says he still loves me very much but w are getting nowhere. He used to surprise me with gifts and weekends away. I’m getting so bored. All he does is work. I cannot get this guy to stop.

    Suggestions??

    Kind regards
    Andrea



  4.  #4Andrea on March 21, 2017 at 12:46 pm

    “Girls don’t need to DO anything to be loved” Angela this is such a great reminder.

    I really resonate with this topic having allowed myself to become entangled in a “relationship” with a man I met one month ago. One Month!! He was asking me to marry him after our second date and talking about a future together et al! Which feels so good. The intensity feels exciting and I feel a rush of energy and purpose when I think of us together.

    And yet… of course… oh my, I get myself all geared up and ready to fall head over heels and forget to protect my raw, vulnerable, sincere girl self who is wanting REAL love.

    Oh it’s so easy to fall….



  5.  #5Iris on March 21, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    I’m curious about this. I have a feeling in a matter of months he’ll be back. Of course, she should still date around.



  6.  #6Rori Raye on March 22, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    Andrea – something is going on, and you have to fix it NOW!!! You need a Rori Raye coach – all by yourself – and you can turn this around!!! You need to know how to BE with your husband in a new way, the sex needs to be brought back – there are quick ways…just go to the menu and click on private coaching to get to the Directory of Coaches: Try Dominique at http://www.sexandheart.com, try Heather Allison – she can help you go soft…try Tatia Dee – a powerful woman who can help you soften up and speak and fix the sex fast.I also have a brand new coach – Claudia at eveirresistiblecoaching@gmail.com who SPECIALIZES in sex (She’s in Germany, you can Skype for free) and she’s pretty darn awesome and affordable! Love, Rori



  7.  #7Ella on March 26, 2017 at 12:48 pm

    Hi,

    I am back. After quite a time away from the blog, although I would read and check in sometimes.

    I don’t know if anyone will remember me from before and I have been an avid Rori follower for several years. I use all the RR tools, all the time.

    I did turn my love life around a good deal.

    I did circular date, I did get the man, the proposal and the wedding.

    Unfortunately he turned out to be a drug addict. How could I not have known right? Well I didn’t. I feel stupid.

    Maybe deep down I knew, but he appeared as ‘sober’ for a whole year in which I leaned back. I had told him I would not be with someone who had those issues.

    After that year I took a chance and accepted his proposal.

    Unfortunately the addiction never really went away. He as hiding it – It was there underneath all along.

    He did have some good qualities. Was very available and loving to me, until he wasn’t.

    When I discovered what was really going on I left. Well actually I stayed for 6 months after I knew for sure and tried to make it work. But it was dragging me down and in the end I listened to my intuition and left.

    It was very messy and painful with his family judging and blaming me – I went through a lot of trauma.

    It’s been 2 years now since I left.

    He got with someone new almost immediately. I on the other hand have been feeling my feelings, processing, going through the ‘yuck’, re-building my life and getting healthy.

    I tried CD-ing last year and it was too soon for me – I got too triggered & trauma response (except for one very feminine energy man who I was able to tolerate as friends for a while, until he got very draining).

    Anyway, just recently I started circular dating again.

    Lots of frogs, lots of Mr disgustings, for what felt like FOREVER, until about 6 weeks ago when a man came along who seemed great.

    He is masculine, was stepping up consistently, treating me well etc…

    Not perfect by any means, and certainly a better quality of man than anyone else who had shown up so far at that point.

    I stuck with the tools.

    And then it came out that he is ‘separated’ rather than actually divorced.

    This didn’t sit well with me – And I honestly didn’t know though whether it is acceptable / OK to date a separated man.

    I felt confused.

    I just honestly didn’t know. This is not something that really gets discussed much and my parents certainly never talked to me about it…

    I asked a few people and their answers weren’t helpful, and I couldn’t find it in any of the blogs or programs here either.

    So I decided just to follow my feelings.

    He doesn’t live with his ex, is on amicable terms and has been separated 1.5 years. He has children with her. I asked and he said he has spoken to her (right after he met me actually) and they will divorce in September.

    It still didn’t feel great though, as essentially he is still married, I thought.

    However I decided to give him a chance and keep CD-ing.

    I slept with him after 1 month, which is the first person I have had sex with since my husband. I had a lot of anxiety and part of me just wanted to have sex again. I feel like I kinda just wanted to ‘get it done’ if that makes any sense! Especially as the sex with my husband was complicated.

    I just wanted to feel desired and desire again.

    He made it OK – good in fact.

    Just recently though he got ‘really busy’ all the time and our dates dropped to once per week.

    Then I found a post here in the blog which said that BASICS are do not date a married man (and the includes separated). This coincided with me noticing some ‘passive aggressive’ anger coming from him, and him being unavailable and unresponsive to my emotions, and in some other ways.

    He was always tired, and it seemed as though he was so busy there was nothing left for me. He stopped wanting to take me out and instead wanted to hang at my place and ‘cuddle’ instead.

    So I was done.

    I just thought “F*ck It! I had enough of this kind of thing with my husband. I am done with it. I’m out”

    So I told him that the situation wasn’t feeling good to me anymore and that he is welcome to call me again when he is more available and has more time / space in his life. I also said that the truth is he is not really available until the divorce comes through.

    You know what, it felt good to say that and state my truth.

    I feel strong.

    Yes, some disappointment, a little fear, but mostly just “if you can’t do it get out the way for someone who can…”

    I am so ready for my guy now _ I can feel how it will feel. And I am not interested in anything less.

    Feeling pretty good and up for the process anyway, as well as ready to receive a guy who can.

    I am pleased to be back!



  8.  #8Indigo on March 26, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    Ella,

    I feel for women in America who have this kind of issue – whether to date a separated man – I have seen it come up many times on the blog and other places. Where I live this doesn’t seem to be much of a problem because divorces are generally much quicker. My divorce for instance came through in 6 weeks.

    It must be tough to put one’s life on hold whilst you wait for everything to be finalized with a divorce. At the same time, I can fully understand another person, and a woman especially, not wanting to be dragged into any of that. I made the mistake of going on three or four dates with a man who was recently separated and he was an absolute emotional mess! Very volatile emotionally, angry, and incredibly clingy. He was so desperate for an emotional life raft that he verged on stalking me for months after that.

    On the other hand, my ex-husband met his new wife a few months after we got divorced and they are still happily married 7 years later. But I know for a fact he was not truly over the divorce for a few years.

    All this is to say that I personally believe, and have heard others say, that men take much longer to get over the end of a marriage than women, and they take it much harder. I think it’s a combination of all the emotions of grief that we feel, along with feeling like a failure, and also the fact that they don’t always deal with their feelings in healthy ways. They tend to bottle them up rather than talking it out and getting help like we do. I think you were wise to cut that last man loose.



  9.  #9Ella on March 27, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Hi Indigo,

    Thanks for your reply!

    I’m actually in the UK, and it is a similar situation here as in the US when it comes to divorce. For example mine has taken 8 months already and it’s a simple divorce, uncontested with no children or shared property.

    I have the decree nisi now (the first part) and have to wait 6 weeks before I can apply for the decree absolute, which is when the divorce will be finalised.

    The man I was dating hadn’t even started the process yet and could not until September because he was filing on grounds of separation, and you have to have been apart for 2 years legally to do that!

    Plus he has kids and they have a property, which she lives in and he pays for…

    So I cannot see that this would be wrapped up anytime soon.

    I feel sad right now.

    He came and dropped off something of mine this morning. It felt like a breakup even though we weren’t together! He gave me this really long hug.

    What he is not able to do though is be available.

    I am missing him a bit though. He was fun and a good man. Had bad qualities / red flags too for sure, but he brightened up my life.

    I also know that I got hormonally bonded because we sept together and that my ‘urge to capture’ was triggered strong (Urgh).

    Now, I know I need to switch this.

    I need to make my life SO GREAT anyway…



  10.  #10Ella on March 27, 2017 at 10:11 am

    I miss him. I wonder if I should have kept him in rotation?

    But he is separated so not available right?

    I feel confused :-/



  11.  #11Andrea on March 27, 2017 at 2:34 pm

    OH Ella, I feel that urge as well to just hold on tight to the good experiences I have with a man, even though he can’t step up in the way I want. I feel that tightness and that struggle to let it go. Ugh it feels like a fist clutched in my chest, that missing him.
    And I feel that fear, missing the feeling of security and the feeling of calm when I’m with him, and will I ever have that again.
    I’ve gone through so many dates, so many feelings; elation at something new, comfort at something that seems to be lasting, devastation at the end… but I feel so happy right now because there always seems to be someone new around the corner.
    Sometimes I haven’t even fully let go of the old and the new man pops into my life unexpected and the joy starts up again. I feel happy that you are just noticing your feelings and sharing them.

    I know it will get better.



  12.  #12Indigo on March 27, 2017 at 11:44 pm

    Ella!

    2 years plus! What an emotional rollercoaster! I don’t know how people do it, especially with children.

    As far as your question of should you keep him in rotation… I know you will come to your own answers, I just wanted to share my own experience.

    I’ve done the “uncommitted” thing with two men whom I deeply cared about, both of them it was because they were unable to be truly available. The first was a man I was deeply in love with for years, and I thought I was going to be with forever, but it slowly became apparent he wasn’t moving the relationship forward at all, didn’t want to and couldn’t for reasons best known to himself. I was in a limboland for years. The other man was one where we instantly felt a strong connection and attraction to each other when we met, but he travels extensively for work. Is away for weeks or months at a time, then home for a short while. It would have been like being a military wife, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. He still keeps in touch to this day, hoping something can still come of it I think.

    Anyway, I still miss them both, and I’ve asked myself the question thousands of times whether I’d be able to keep either of them in my life and in what capacity (I’m in a committed relationship now, so it’s a moot point). But the conclusion I finally came up with is this: I could still see them (if I were single that is) if I absolutely was able to keep deep emotional attachment at bay. If I was able to still enjoy the good times with them and accept them for exactly who they were and exactly what they could offer, and not want anything more, and not miss them when they were not there, then I think it would be fine.

    I’m not a black and white sort of person. I don’t think it’s always as simple as either having someone in your life fully or cutting them off completely. But I do think all you can ever hope for with an unavailable man is a level of friendship, nothing more.



  13.  #13Ella on March 28, 2017 at 1:33 am

    Indigo,

    Thanks for sharing. That is super helpful. 🙂



  14.  #14Ella on March 28, 2017 at 1:42 am

    So this morning I have woken up and I am feeling positive & energised.

    Last night I listed to ‘Reconnect Your Relationship’. Although I am not in a relationship I just love that program – It feels so warm and comforting.

    I also read a blog post which reminded me about the ‘drop to the floor’ tool. Oh I am going to use that one! I had forgotten all about it.

    I dropped to the floor and was able to feel some REALLY icky, stuck feelings in my tummy, which were mostly ANGER, fear and even terror.

    I realised that I am still pretty needy after what happened with my husband and it is not at all surprising that I got all clingy emotionally in my vibe with the new guy.

    I feel proud though that I was able to share those feelings somewhat, without making him responsible, and that I stuck to my boundaries despite the feelings – That feels really good.

    Now my ‘Out the Window’ is to focus on CD-ing as a project, also to focus on getting myself traveling again as a project because it is something I feel passionately about and lights me up. Also to focus on increasing my prices in my business and bringing some new, higher paying clients in.

    This is where my BIG load of intense energy will go 🙂 (and I have a lot of it! Lol).

    I also did something by way of ‘exploring’ that feels pretty Rockstar to me, and I updated my Tinder profile to say that I am looking for people / a person, to travel with. This is an experiment. I have no idea what will happen but it feels good to just try something different and as traveling and being connected are both HUGE values for me this makes some sense.

    I’ve no idea what to expect and feel a little nervous but excited (I need adrenaline in a good / healthy way).

    I have 5 dates lined up for this week already…

    Oh, and I have changed my diet and eating habits. I am doing a detox to lose the extra pounds I put on (as protection I think) when I left my husband. I also joined the gym for one month and will be going next week, after the detox. I may take advantage of the free Personal Trainer session they offer 🙂



  15.  #15Ella on March 28, 2017 at 2:06 am

    Oh, And my new rules for myself – I am figuring them out. So far I think I like:

    1. I don’t drive to men.

    2. I don’t pay on dates.

    3. No sex until I feel like I have the commitment I want (I wasn’t sure on this one, I LOVE sex and I hadn’t had any for 2 years after my husband until the new guy recently… but it messes me up, gets me chemically hooked and is hard on me, so I think I’d rather wait… Sex can be AMAZING when I have everything I want with a man. In the meantime I’d like to explore self pleasure and other ways to feel more sensual & sexy around men without going the whole way).

    4. I don’t date men who are separated.

    5. If it feels good I stand there, melt and express. If it feels bad I express & move away.



  16.  #16Shell on March 30, 2017 at 11:33 am

    I’ve been doing the “leaning back” thing along with other inner work (ie meditations, journaling) to deal with abandonment issues from childhood. I have been using other resources, namely some books on insecure attachment styles, dating in a more vulnerable way, and shifting perspective on reality so as to respond differently/be more magnetic/etc.

    I met a few people on a dating site. I was proud of myself for vetting some guys who were attractive physically but emotionally immature and not respectful enough. I was proud of myself for expressing interest in a non-needy way instead of my usual too cool, aloof style. I can be too cool or hot, but I managed warmth and a vulnerability that didnt overwhelm me or them.

    Of course, the guy I like the most is a respectful one and he was quite consistent at first, but now he has dropped off. I have done my best to out-girl him and keep a mindset of coming from a place of love and respect for myself and him, not a place of fear. I get a good morning or good night text 1-2 times a week. I don’t even know why he sends these… there is no conversation or contact beyond that.

    Weeks ago, after not hearing from him for almost a week, I sent a text expressing I hoped he was doing well. He responsed by telling me he was waiting to see how long it would take me to message him first. I told him I didnt want to bother him because I knew he had a lot on his plate. He said I could never bother him. So I sent a good morning text a few days later and he responded by telling me he had to do something and we’d talk later. I honestly did that to “prove” that he doesnt really want me to text him first and that if he wanted to talk, then I would hear from him. I dont regret it because it came from a place of love and not fear for me…I didnt text him for fear of losing him, but because I didnt want him to feel insecure either, which my instincts were right about (early on, men always complain that they cant tell if I like them). However, because of his family situation (he cares for a very ill, nearly invalid mother nearly 24/7 in addition to running his own business which he is trying to expand), I do see he is not really ready to move forward with a relationship. And his profile is still active on the dating site, so who knows – maybe someone else has his attention now.

    I am trying to let go in my mind, and I know that even though I did not outwardly chase him, in my own head I got too attached to a fantasy. I invested emotionally too soon. But this blaming of myself for someone “leaving” that I feel an attachment to is precisely what fuels my abandonment issues, and what probably made me have more of a detached style when younger. I generally was detached with people to avoid them having any effect or power on me, because when I do allow myself to form some attachment, then I become anxious and perhaps that pushes people away. But I need to feel like I can form an attachment and NOT feel like that will drive someone away.

    So this guy is obviously triggering a pattern in me, and I realize my strong attraction to him is probably that he cannot give me much right now. Initially, I had all these of instances of synchronicity surrounding him, and I admit there was something about him that reminded me of my beloved grandfather (who did not abandom me and was wonderful, but who died when I was a child). I know no one wants to be interacted with as a symbol to someone else, and maybe that energy came through. We also had conversations that felt like deeper emotional connection to me. I felt moved and he seemed moved too….and I just dont feel that way with most people. There was a dynamic there I have never felt with someone else before and it’s what I want. So I feel sad to let someone go who in many ways feels like everything I have wanted, or who WAS that until he stopped showing up. Also, given this is long-distance, I heard words but there was not much action, and people are always saying that action is what counts with men.

    Of course, I have not stopped dating other men, and I do feel this momentum – more men are drawn to me, but as usual, I like like almost none of them. There is another guy who is increasing his attentions towards me, but I feel sad because although he is a wonderful person, I don’t feel attracted to him romantically or sexually. Physically he just doesnt do it for me, although he is not ugly at all. It’s too early to say that he is right for me in other ways anyway, but I hate feeling guilt over not finding him attractive for seemingly shallow reasons, and then I feel angry that I should even feel guilty for that. I feel like as women, our attraction preferences and sexual desires are marginalized and we are pushed to simply settle for whoever wants us and is a decent guy. This guy feels like a buddy to me, and when I dont hear from him for days, I hardly notice. I never fantasize about him and struggle to imagine a future together.

    I started off with my last ex this way….I gave him a chance although he was not my type nor even good-looking to me, but I had a curiousity about him, and he *seemed* like a good guy, and then he pursued me so consistently. Then it all went downhill and we broke up after months of marriage and future talk – right after I get attached, basically. I feel angry that I basically settled for less than what I find physically attractive, and then the man *still* took me for granted. When I hear people tell women to give men a chance that they dont find super attractive and that it can “grow”, I feel angry because that’s not some magic formula for a good relationship.

    Right now, I am just hoping these men are merely “messengers” to help me grow and someone who does not feel like a compromise will show up and make me forget all about them…



  17.  #17Indigo on March 30, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    Shell,

    I feel the same way as you about chemistry and physical attraction.

    I like Cherry Norris’s approach, who says let your body decide. That physical attraction and chemistry has to be there. If it’s a no from your body, if you don’t like the way he smells, or the way he looks, or the chemistry is just off, then it’s a no.



  18.  #18Gemini Goddess on March 31, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Shell and Indigo-

    I third the physical attraction notion. My ex-husband is objectively quite handsome but just never did it for me. I married him anyway and ended up resenting him and resenting myself. I’m also a very sensual/sexual person, so there’s that, too.



  19.  #19Indigo on April 1, 2017 at 4:15 am

    Gemini Goddess,

    I hope you don’t think I’m prying, but your perspective would really help me too I think:

    Was the lack of physical attraction the main thing which caused you to split up from your ex-husband? Or was that a secondary consideration and there were other major issues which caused you to leave him?



  20.  #20Ella on April 1, 2017 at 5:26 am

    Rori,

    Please could you comment or create a post about dating (or not) separated & divorcing / divorced men?

    In terms of CD-ing.

    Thank you.



  21.  #21Peekaboo Cat on April 1, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Ella,

    Regarding dating someone who is separated, I just did that. Its over and it only lasted a few weeks but it was a wild ride.

    I met him out one evening and was very attracted to him. After a lot of across the room flirtation, he approached me and we spent the rest of the evening together chatting. (He wasn’t wearing a ring.)

    He asked me out for dinner for the following night and I said yes. While we were out, he told me he was separated. There had been a voice in my head that said “If it seems like its too good to be true then it probably is. ” And that voice was right LOL we were kind of in a remote area and I felt a little trapped so I just decided to not make a scene and hang out with him. And besides he was taking me to a very nice restaurant LOL

    To make a long story short, we ended up dating several more times. No sex but lots of kissing. I was mostly pretty stressed out about it, and didn’t feel comfortable with the secrecy at all. (He wanted to wait to tell his daughter about the divorce until she graduated from high school…supposedly anyway.)

    Then last week, we had a date set up (this was after lots of suggestive texting) and it felt like we were probably going to get more physically involved. Needless to say, I was nervous (and before I get jumped on by others here, its been over 4 years since I’ve had sex (believe it or not, I can’t) and I was just like to hell with it, I”m ready. The main reason I haven’t have sex is because there has NO ONE I’ve been attracted to. OK, maybe a couple guys but at the time I wasn’t over my ex and just not ready.

    Anyway, so when I met this very attractive “separated” man, I have to admit I was tempted (after several nice dates) for better or for worse.

    But it all exploded in my face when I got a text from him, when he was literally on his way to pick me up for our date last week, and he said that he had to cancel because his daughter’s plans had gotten canceled and that she was depressed and wanted him to come home and be with her. I got the text 5 min before he was supposed to pick me up so I had spent an hour or so getting ready. I was so upset.

    He apologized etc. and wanted to see me a couple days later but I didn’t respond until the next day.

    I was so proud of myself because I said exactly how I felt in the RR way! (I think.) I told him that that didn’t feel good at all about what happened. And that I really didn’t like getting stood up.

    That’s it. No anger. No blame. Just the plain honest feeling truth.

    And then he basically said that he thought it was better if we were just friends. LOL.

    I was so glad things didn’t go beyond kissing, and that we never had the date and that it all happened in exactly the way that it did.

    Even though it felt like a slap in the face, it was a wake up call. I realized he didn’t care about me at all, not my feelings, not anything. And I was so glad to see the real side of his character and feelings (or lack there of) for me.

    So it wasn’t even so much that he was separated, it was more that when push came to shove, he was not a very nice person, and certainly not someone that was going to go the extra mile for me.

    Anyway, not sure if there is any grand conclusion but just wanted to share my story about this topic (dating someone who is separated.)

    After this experience, I really don’t ever want to date a separated man again! No way! LOL I’m way too emotional and way too sensitive.



  22.  #22Ella on April 2, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Hi Peekaboo Cat (Love that name!!)

    Your story is so similar to mine… Except that I did sleep with him (after 2 years of no sex).

    Anyway, it feels good to have stood up for myself and my values.

    🙂



  23.  #23Rori Raye on April 3, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    Awesome comments – thank you so much – so helpful to everyone! I’ll make my answer a post – I’ve already written a lot..Rori