The Heartbreak Of Friends With Benefits – Where There Isn’t Really A Friendship, Or Even Any Benefits


The Question:

“Hi Rori, I’m in a situation where I’m spending intimate time with a man every week or every two weeks.  I drive an hour and 40 minutes to his place. He doesn’t know this but I prefer going to his place.

It’s going on four months, with one month off where he was out of the country for work.

We have never had the talk of what we want or where this is going. He’s made it seem like it’s only him and me being intimate. But last month there were things I felt triggered by. He got a haircut, the lady came over alone in his apartment, there were two identical glasses, he was less sexual with me during that visit.

Soooo I looked online and found he has TINDER. The hookup app. Incognito, I selected him, and he had selected my ID flower icon profile already.

I was disgusted.

Even more disgusting, he interacted with the flower profile and instantaneously (he goes days without communicating with me and it’s been boring one word texts lately). as “flower”, I asked what he’s into, if he’s dating (he said no, we’re in quarantine), I asked if he’s sexual with anyone and he said he wasn’t sure what that means.

I asked what’s his perfect woman, he said he doesn’t think there’s one perfect woman, he asked what’s her ideal man, he said he’s looking for anything casual-wife. I know I shouldn’t have went looking. I’ve even looked at all his social media, he hearts and likes and oogles with heart eye emojis at numerous other women posts. He never likes my images.

I’m not sure if he’s using me or if he’s scared bc he actually likes me. He’s become sometimes affectionate and started opening up. My intuition was screaming..and it’s always right.

In all reality he has every right to be there and do whatever he wants. I in fact have bumble and still swipe because we are not official. I was really hurt though. It caused us not to see each other for three weeks when he was asking me back over every week. He has no idea that I know. I never said a word.

But I did act weird that time we saw each other when he had a fresh haircut and then those three weeks in text he was so lame with one word texts. We’ve seen each other since and at times it was very hard for me to be in my feminine energy. He was laying on my lap previously and last time, and this time he didn’t.

I did mention it and he said I’m such a girl. I just said I noticed the change and was wondering if you are okay. He said he’s in his normal laying spot and I asked why did he snuggle me so nicely times before and he said he was trying something new. He’s not very affectionate.

He had tried very boring like to ask without asking me, back over a couple times. I finally switched my masculine off and we spent three days together. It’s been about three days since I left since I heard from him he has done this before 4/5 days he doesn’t reach out. Then I welcome him with warmth just saying it feels good to connect.

The thing is, is when we are together he makes it seem like we are together. He works in the entertainment industry so he has actual women all over the world he entertains.

Even those who will do anything sexual and sexual image wise for him at any moment. I’m not sure what to do in this situation.

Do I wait and continue to date others until he picks me or what? He’s 38 and goes for super young really thin girls. I’m none of those things. I’m pretty confident even though not physically perfect. I’m feeling “Confused…”

My Answer:

Confused, Your letter feels incredible and heartbreakingly painful – and I’d like to be of help.

I also believe what you’re experiencing is a situation many, many women are enduring.

I understand you so completely, because you sound just like me many years ago, and also like so many women I work with and talk to who are with men in the entertainment industry, fashion – lines of work where there are many women available to a man, all the time.

And the rest of this letter is going to be “tough love’ – so if you don’t want to read it, please don’t!

I want you to know I have no judgment around this situation, because I’ve been in it myself so many times in my life.

I cringe to remember them, how I boxed myself into something that was one thing, and yet “called” it something else.

What stands out to me in any “deal” like this is the Question:

What are you getting out of this situation, which he’s clearly treating as a “booty call without pay” opportunity?

I know what he’s getting: free, high-class sex. And a bit of companionship when he wants it.

You should be making $5000 grand every time you show up at his place.

Only, now, he doesn’t need to pay $5000 like men have always had to – he has Tinder. And you.

The evil thing about this kind of deal is that most women cannot (I couldn’t) own up to wanting this kind of deal themselves!

In other words – “friends with benefits” works both ways in terms of the ‘benefits”!

I know you may not like the way I’ve begun, but I’m going to go on about Feminine Empowerment, and how this situation might suit you well in many ways.

I hear that you’re on bumble and Circular Dating – yet, perhaps not truly Circular Dating correctly, so I’d like to address that, also.

And then – the truly important thing: 

What is it you WANT for yourself?

*Do you want to be in a great relationship where a man loves you, wants to be with you, and is a great person?

*Or is that too boring for you right now?

*Is it too scary, too emotionally intimate?

*Would you really rather have this kind of impersonal, sex-based, commitment-less “fling”?

*Something where you can drive to him, and not have to entertain him in your own home?

The problem here is that we women have been taught that it’s “wrong” for us to want such a thing.

That there has to be SOMETHING – SOME kind of commitment and statement of feelings in order for us to have a sexual relationship with someone…when – that’s not necessarily really all of us!

Sometimes we’re not really wanting a “boyfriend.”

We’re not really wanting a “husband”.

And – a lot of the time – we believe we want something – or SHOULD want something that we don’t really want.

Perhaps you don’t really want that “picket fence.”

On the other hand – perhaps you do know exactly what you want, and are just “hoping” that this man will shift his focus to you.

Feminine Energy is absolutely NOT about settling into a situation you don’t like, keeping your mouth shut, not asking for what you want and saying what’s bothering you…Feminine Energy is raw, awesome, truth-telling, with a unique set of skills that offer your truth to a man with complete respect for him.

Hiding what you feel is not respectful to yourself, hinting around and keeping secrets is not respectful either to yourself or him, and spewing out anger and disgust in words is not respectful to him or anyone.

To get these skills with words, body language and truth-telling, please look around at everything Siren School has to offer!

The Feminine Energy Workshop is a great place to start – where you’ll get personal coaching in small groups with brilliant Rori Raye coaches, and basically have a great time!:


Love, Rori


Erica Jong, for me, was the



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