The Highway Of Love

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Oh, my – it’s all getting away from me. Holidays, and now I’m jamming to get ready for the filming of my newest program around Circular Dating – I still don’t have a title for the program – but it’s all around being a “Diva” and so I’m renaming Circular Dating (and expanding what it’s all about) to  “Diva Dating.”

(Perhaps you’re planning to come to the filming, and I’ll get to meet you and work with you onstage.)

Hope your holidays were brilliant and – even if they were disappointing in some ways – I know we’re going to tease out the lessons and the diamonds in your experiences.

I’ve wanted to  reprint this article I wrote some time ago – it’s always been one of my favorites – called “Highway of Love” – and so here it is:

I’m stuck again. Not sick, not tired, just going backwards in my mind.

A psychic practitioner stopped me at the end of a party yesterday, and told me I was about to have a detour. Today. I don’t quite remember the exact words she used, but it was something along the lines of “Right now you’re going down the 405, and you’re about to take a detour, and then you’ll have to decide what you want to do with your life.”

And then she disappeared.

Okay. So one part of me sees only possibilities in that scenario –Wow, choices, new things, new roads, new…. And then another part -Gremlin Voice soaked for sure -screams Other shoe dropping! Any minute now! Watch out for falling shoes! And I look around me, furtively, searching each car that passes by, each person who passes by, each word that passes by, for a clue. For a sign. For impending disaster.

I have three choices. One, I can call up this practitioner and ask for clarification. But, I realize, nothing she says will change the fact that I must make one of the other two choices.

Two, I can wallow in fear and try to be very careful and watchful and vigilant, analyze everything that shows up in my life at every minute, and forget I’m actually alive and living.

Three, I can choose the choice of possibilities. I can – regardless of what the psychic has seen or knows, regardless of what she says or what she thinks, or even more profoundly, regardless of what I think -see every car that passes by, every person who passes by, each word that passes by as a “detour” into a new possibility.

And, if I make choice Number Three, I’d better know what I’m getting myself into -this new possibility might lead to another detour, to another possibility, to another, and another, where the choices are endless.

Am I more afraid of being stuck or of getting lost?

Is it that I’m really so certain I can’t choose right every time, or does it really matter if I choose right every time?

Lots of questions, and sometimes the answer is “I don’t know,” or “None of the Above.” So how do I know what to do and where to go and what to think? And how do I stop; my mind from racing to fear instead of flowing to possibilities?

Well, first off, just because I investigate another road doesn’t mean I’ve left the Highway of Love. In fact, what if I’m not even on it at all!

What if, even though I think I’ve been on the Highway of Love all this time, I’m really only on a side road? What if I’m not even on a road? What if I’ve been going in circles?

So, what if I want to continue down this so-called detour of a new possibility? What then? What if the detour leads to a bigger Highway? What if I’ve been on the Highway of Where I’ve Always Been and What I’ve Always Done, and the detour will lead me smack to the Highway of Love?

Well, how’s this for a job description: Adventurer!

Lots of men and women are making thrilling, actual lives out there being Indiana Jones -finding lost civilizations, solving ancient riddles, leading teams through the jungles of the world.

Everyone has a different tolerance for risk and a different idea of what’s in the pot of gold at the end of the Quest, and some of us quake at even the thought of stepping a foot into the unknown.

So many of us are traveling up and down a dead end wash we call “love” in the middle of something we only know of as “familiarity.”

Sometimes we ride it in souped-up all-terrain vehicles, and sometimes we crawl along it, but we hardly ever fly over it, and actually see, with our own eyes, that it’s been a dead-end all along.

So, what if the Highway of Love is truly a super-highway leading to…who knows where?

And, what if it’s really not all that hard to navigate? What if the only problem with it is it’s just not a dead-end wash? What if the only hard thing about it is it’s not “familiar”?

So I bless the psychic. Not for giving me a clue to what’s next, but for giving me a clue to my fear. Perhaps the 405 isn’t all there is.

Now I have to deal with myself. If I’m so afraid of detours, how will I handle the Highway of Love when I’m on it? Will I run back to my dead-end? Will I swear off detours? Will I swear off possibilities? Will I choose “Familiar” over “Better”?

Will I choose “Safely Stuck” over “Scary What I Really Want”?

Will I stay in worry and doubt and fear and not leave my house, or will I move out and about with abandon? Will I keep my eyes open for danger, or will I allow in possibilities?

The choice is mine. The choice is yours.

Try this way of choosing:

When you find yourself stuck, or afraid, ask yourself what road you’re on.

You may answer – I’m in love! I couldn’t be happier! Or I’m safe and fine, I don’t need a relationship, I don’t need someone else to love me, I love myself just plenty. Or I don’t have time for all this. I’m busy, I’m tooling down my road just fine, and, Rori, what do you know about it anyway?

Okay, so you know what’s up. You’ve made your choice, and it feels good, and here you are, and you’re right – you don’t need me.

And if you answer I’m tired of the same-old-same-old. I’m tired of the souped-up cars and the dry runs and the circles, then, maybe, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by choosing “Better” and “Scary What I Really Want,” than “Safe” and “Familiar.”

So, put on your new hat. The one marked “Adventurer!”

Imagine that your emotions, your instincts, your heart rhythms, are a beautiful, powerful Horse you can ride across the landscape of your life. Your Horse knows the way, clean and clear, to where you want to go. And if you should ever steer it wrong, it knows the way back.

Now, sit your Horse tall and proud. You are about to let the whole world see you shake from fear, thrill from excitement, breathe hard from anticipation, tense up from the knot in your throat and shimmer from the hope in your eyes.

You are about to let go. The Horse of your emotions, your instincts, your connection to life, your heart, is feeling feisty. You’re about to let your Horse run free.

Imagine doing it. Imagine tolerating the fear, the excitement, the heavy breathing, the tension, the shimmer. Imagine riding the Horse somewhere new and feeling everything you’re feeling.

Believe that anytime you want, you can stop. Yes, you can stop. You can say No, turn back, go forward, take a rest. You can. You can say No when it doesn’t feel right, and you can say Yes when it feels right.

Sometimes it can feel right, but it’s just a little (okay, a lot) scary. Don’t let that stop you! Fear feels way different when you’re out there riding the Horse than it does when you’re stuck stock still. Fear is many things, and it wears many faces, and we build all kinds of defenses on top of it to pretend it isn’t there or hide it away, or fight it.

If you don’t believe Adventurers feel fear, you’ve been sitting in the safe dead-end too long. Fear is part of the Highway of Love. Bring yours along with you for the ride. Soon, it’ll get tired and old, and you’ll be too busy having fun to even notice if it’s there or not.

So, wear your Adventurer hat (yes, you have one!), take along all your baggage, and imagine the exhilaration of having what you want.

Then, kiss your Horse, and let it take you somewhere new – to the Highway of Love.

Love, Rori

This is one of my favorites because I can REMEMBER how I was feeling when I wrote it – I was swept up in the possibilities, I was feeling adventurous, I was working my way out of the bad feeling I got the moment the psychic spoke to me.

It’s so easy to get “bummed out.”  And it seems easiest to “distract” ourselves from the feeling.  But that’s just not the cure.

The cure for bad feelings is to live in them a bit.  Just enough to taste them fully.

And then you get on your Horse and ride…and you’re FREER than you were before.

Hope this inspires you the way it did me as I wrote it…

Love, Rori

62 Comments

  1.  #1Cookie on January 4, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Rori, the images of being on this highway or not being on the road at all is really vivid for me. I feel like I’m in the middle of the road with no gas in my car, I’m not sure if I’m on the highway or side street. I feel so confused, like how do I get started with all of this movement. I don’t feel good about myself right now, I don’t feel like anyone that I would want would want me looking like this. I don’t see anyone looking at me, I don’t have anyone asking me out on dates. I’m tired of feeling bad in this relationship, I’m afraid of being with new men who may not accept me, the real and whole me. How do I get started? I feel like my horse is at the rest stop and won’t move. I do the visualization tools you write about and I can sometimes picture and am able to vocalize what kind of relationship I want but I’m not in the vision, at least not the me that I am right now. It’s always the me skinnier, and I feel so far away from that goal right now. What do I do in the meantime? I have been Leaning Back a little more in the relationship I’m in, but what constitutes Leaning Forward from him. Like I don’t call and he will call me but then he will say “why didn’t you call me”, I say I was busy or I don’t know but what should I say. He is still not initiating driving this relationship any further to Commitment. At least not what I can see yet. Now he has switched his schedule to night shift so he can save for a vehicle which will mean that we not see each other during the week at all. I tell him I feel disappointed because I enjoy our weeknights together. He says he has to get a car. I say ok I’m feeling brushed off, and I don’t like feeling like this he asks why, I say I don’t know. He says I’m not trying to brush you off, not to worry, everything will be okay. What is that? Is it game or is it Leaning Forward, and being heard? My instincts are all off. I’m feeling fear and abandonment not hopeful. I have been working on my self esteem and repeating in my head that I am everything a man would want. But all that is just words in my mind right now, and still attached to what I can do (like cooking, being good in bed, etc), even if I don’t do them. Somewhere inside me feels like if he gets this car he will not have any more room for me. I know this is triggered by the experience of him having a car before and then pulling away from me and telling me that he loves me but not in love with me and would like to see other people. I don’t want to go through that again. Am I projecting? This feels awful.



  2.  #2gina on January 4, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Cookie,
    I wish you the best. It breaks my heart to hear you sounding so low. When I have felt low and crummy and unattractive, the only way out of it was to take good care of myself. To eat good real food and to exercise in a way that feels fun. Then, it didn’t matter so much what I looked like, but I felt good about myself cause I knew I was taking good care of myself. Rori’s tools in the self esteem section, broccoli and sunshine are the best ways I can think to help you feel better.

    Rori,
    I check your site whenever I’m feeling low or confused about something, and lately, whatever blog is posted on the first page has answered exactly what I needed. Right now, I’m feeling kinda ugh cause a new guy isn’t panning out how I’d like and the old guys are out of the question; so I keep almost texting the married guy you told me to stay away from, cause I feel lonely and I want a distraction. I needed to confess so that I won’t justify giving in to the temptation. I’ll let the loneliness inspire adventures to come. ugh.



  3.  #3alias girl on January 4, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    hi cookie. that’s great you are staying in touch with your feelings. if you haven’t checked out the Power & Self Esteem series of posts yet those are great tools to really turn things around for your self. you can find the series of posts on the right hand side bar of this blog. start with the first post. then try and do each exercise/ step along the way. after you do the exercise for the first post in the series then read the comments that go along with it as you will see how rori tweaked the process for the godesses who were working along with her. then move onto the nest post and do the exercise then read the comments etc. go through the whole series.

    if you want you can do them right here on this blog. when you get to the riffing section we have daria our expert riffer who can help tweak your process.

    seriously these tools in this series really helped me more than i can say.

    other than that just know you’ve stepped on a good path and you will turn your self around. also since you seem to be struggling with some co dependent issues you may want to look into coda or something.

    i understand your pain and worry and there is a way to feel better, stronger and love yourself more. which gives the man that much more reason to love you more too. xoxo



  4.  #4alias girl on January 4, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    holy tamale! i feel wiped out physically bc i totally kicked my own a** working out today. phew. i feel like a pool of human just all spread out on my couch.

    can i just say in this moment right now i feel like i have the most perfect life for myself. others might find it dreary or small or unaccomplished but wow it really just fits me like a glove today and that feeeeeeeeellllllssss sssssooooooooo good.

    two things could make it better. 1) paying my rent 2) sex with a guy i really like (love?)

    my ex called today. missed call no voicemail. something about this guy i just can’t leave him alone. it’s really not the best situation. ah well. he’s not the only one on my cake plate. also he’s not really the only guy i can’t leave alone. 🙂 i seem to either really be into a guy or want nothing to do with him (on a romantic level.) i don’t mind being friends with a guy but usually there’s always that tension that’s not great bc he actually is hoping more will develop if he just hangs in there long enough.



  5.  #5Maria on January 4, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Cookie, l give you a big hug, and l have to say l have felt exactly the same way as you do.



  6.  #6alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 12:19 am

    ok you folkd get to witness my inner obsessiveness by how much i comment on this blog sometimes. i get the same way about guys. or anything i’m interested inreally.

    so here’s my two quotes for you lovely women:

    1) it is the delicious feeling of loving life in the moment that is the reason for all experience.

    2) it is not pointless if it gives you joy.

    from a book i’m reading by kenneth jm maclean.

    who loves you? now let’s go get our freak on!!!



  7.  #7Ann on January 5, 2009 at 2:00 am

    I don’t know what it is exactly about the quote below but it feels good to me so thought I’d share it.

    * Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories … of many good things. *



  8.  #8alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 2:06 am

    that is beautiful ann. thank you for sharing it.

    🙂



  9.  #9Tracy on January 5, 2009 at 3:33 am

    those are beautiful quotes alias and ann……thanks for sharing them.



  10.  #10Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Cookie….First off…know that you are loved totally without condition. You are a wonderful woman and deserve to have exactly what it is that you want in a relationship. I hate that you are feeling so low…I have been there and can totally relate. What I have done when in that place is to come here and read, riff, read some more, riff some more and somehow duringthat process whether it be support and love from all of you or my emotions lead me from the dark emotions back around to the lighter ones…I always end up feeling better about me and about things. If you don’t have the ebook then try to go through the self esteem series here like AG recommended…IT WILL HELP YOU SO MUCH! If you can get Rori’s ebook then read that. I DO know how you are feeling I think that everyone else here has been there as well.Just know that you are AWESOME and loved and that it WILL get better! I send you HUGE HUGE HUGE hug with lots of love….
    XOXOX
    Cassandra



  11.  #11Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    I can totally relate to not knowing if you are on the road to love or even close to it. I have felt that way so often lately but just did not know how express what it was that I was feeling. Overall, I had a great weekend. Charles and I had a wonderful day yesterday and I enjoyed every moment of it…and I told him that but at the same time all of this other ‘stuff’…crap really…is hanging over my head and getting heavier and heavier for me to carry. I am so tired of thinking about it all. You all know how I feel…that I don’t wnat to move away fromour home or away from Charles. You also know tha i have recently come to the conclusion that if I have to move then…given how I feel right NOW, I feel that I have to move on with my life without Charles. Ihave had SO MANY people though telling me lately that once I tell him how I feel in my power speech that he will likely step up and I won’t have to move which would make me happier than happy…….but I don’t believe that. he is so prideful and reminds me ALL THE TIME that he is NOT ready to get married right now and that he will marry me someday but not right now that I just can’t see him turning around that way. I hope that I am wrong but I really don’t think that I am. Alot of people have been telling me that they think that he actually WILL step up BEFORE I move which would be so great but others have said that he will step up which is what I want. It is my fear however that he will step up AFTER I move which would hurt me to the core in taht it would be too late. I cannot have him in my life after I move if that happens…it would hurt too much to come back to our home to ‘visit’ or have him come to visit me in my apartment and I can’t even imagine how angry I would be with him for being too late. Part of me wonders if I would even stick to that as I am not realy that strong and would most likely take him back anyway….knowing how I am but then I would be stuck in a lease and could not come back anyway for the length of the lease….all of this is running through my head at the speed of light and I am totally overwhelmed and getting angrier and angrier as I write this. Then to top it all off,r ecently I have had men from the past call to let me know that they miss me! You already know about the one that I nearly married but I decided that if Charles and I did not make it Mr Past is NOT an option. There have been other men though from my past that have called recently and it makes me so damn angry….now they get it??!! TOO LATE! I am so afraid that Charles is going to be one of them….figuring it out….what he has/ had once I am already gone and shut off from dating and love for the rest of my life because of him. I was at the mall earlier today and this man that i have known for several years who in very interested in me and checks on me regularly as a friend 0- he is interested in more and always has been but I have VERY CLEARLY told him I do not and will not ever see him that way and he knows that i am in love with Charles….anyway this old friend – we never dated or anything like that either – told me today that if thought that there was ANY chance at all…even a glimmer of hope that I would say ‘yes’…that he would ask me to marry him right now! He told me that I would not have to work another day in my life, that I would have everything that i have ever wanted in a marriage, family, home etc. but that he knows that I would never say yes to him as I don’t feel that way toward him. Do you know how pissed off I was? I felt disgusted. I have never been attracted to him and have only ever seen him as a friend and not even a very close one at that. I really felt so uncomfortable and did not even know what to say and I told him that in feeling messages. I felt so angry that someone that I don’t see that way or think of at all would want to give me those things but that Charles has put me thru hell and even now…I STILL want him….love him and want us to marry. I really do NOT believe that he will step up before I move and that breaks my heart so I feel as though I am enjoying a temporary thing that is going to come to an end and then I will be alone and never having what I want. I feel that I have been a fool….a stupid fool.



  12.  #12Reshi on January 5, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Argh! I feel so disapproved of, and looked down on by my family. How dare I be going out on dates with men when my Life is not handled? Really, it isn’t my family looking down on me, it is me looking down on me. I feel scared that my time is running out, my money is running out, my life is running out. I feel disgusted, utterly DISGUSTED with myself for many things I did in my marriage. For all the angry outbursts, the overspending, the lying, the disrespect of MYSELF. I can’t even be mad at myself for disrespecting HIM because without respecting myself, it was ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE for me to respect anyone else. I feel disgusted, ashamed, and horrible.

    Wow. That wasn’t what I had in mind as a reply to this inspiring post. But that’s what came out. I feel bloody awful. I feel irredeemable. Like my soul must be sold to the Devil to pay for my transgressions, because God/dess doesn’t want it anymore.

    I want to feel at peace. I want to feel Divine forgiveness, I want God/dess to scoop me up in a ball of light and make me whole again. Was I ever whole before? What would it even feel like to be whole? I know I have felt whole. But the weight of the debt is crushing me. The amount of debt that my husband and I had is more than I make in four years. He has said that he will keep the house and the debt. That’s an equal exchange or perhaps in my favor. Definitely in my favor because he’s now tied to and enslaved by the house. And I feel guilty for messing up another person’s life like that. I could have been earning more, spending less, really being a partner to him and not a burden. But I wasn’t, because I felt like my being stuck to him and unhappy with him justified me treating him any which way. I was a thief and an abuser and committed a crime against Life and Love themselves.

    This is not beating myself up. This is confessing to things I did in the past in order to beat myself up. It’s big work, huge work, soul work that must be done. I would not love someone like the person I have been. I would run from her, seek to disentangle myself from her poisonous snares. I want to be someone that I can love, someone that I can forgive.

    And you know what? God/dess must have forgiven me. Because S/He dropped an amazing work/healing situation directly into my lap, and I am running with it. I know that putting my heart and soul into this work will bring about the atonement I need to make. And the atonement I need to make is strictly between myself and Divinity at this point. Should there be a need for further interaction with my husband, Divinity will let me know.

    Now that all that is out of me, and it feels true, now I can grab onto that beautiful Horse and ride it straight into bliss.



  13.  #13Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Reshi….I send you a big hug and a big huge bouquet of flowers. Certainly I don’t know the details of all that happened in your marriage however what I DO know is that no one is perfect. even in the most perfect of relationships and marriages both parties make mistakes. I am not at all saying that you made any mistakes but we all do because we are imperfect beings..the other thing that I DO know for usre is that you have a good heart and good intentions so the mistakes you did make were not done on purpose…sure there are moments of strong emotion…things get said..dishes may get thrown (Kidding!! 🙂 ) but all in all you mean well…I know that you gave your marriage all that you had and it can’t work if only one person is willing to work at it…YOU were willing…even toward the end….YOU were still trying. I hope that you give yourself credit where credit is due Sweetheart and know that YOu Do deserve all of thw wonderful things that you want….and you will have them and get to that place of bliss!
    XOXOX
    Cassandra



  14.  #14heartbeat on January 5, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Rori, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this latest post!!!!!! 🙂 🙂

    It feels so good. Funny, I was talking with my man yesterday about what I want to do for my 50th and I mentioned horse-riding. I did it just once before and it was great.

    I love the ADVENTURE of being on a real horse, and the feeling of joy and excitement of being on my imaginary horse on the Highway of Life and Love.

    Thank you! X



  15.  #15Caj13 on January 5, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Since we’re throwing out quotes today, this one feels right here:

    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.



  16.  #16alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    ah yes beautiful turnaround. and yes your are already forgiven by love. love knows nothing else but love. this work will definitely bring all you desire. no rori does not pay me to keep giving her props. 🙂

    as far as him keeping house and debt that actually does not automatically sound like it would be in your favor. i mean it may be or it may not be. real estate is a good investment and since you’ve already done the hard part (finding the place, down payment, all the closing fees when you purchased etc. that house is $ and will increase in value. the market may be down now but it will go back up.) my suspicion is that husband knows value of keeping house even if he ends up selling it. also is good for credit score to have house with good pymt history. you may wish to get a second or third opinion on this and really look at the numbers. maybe split house and split debt? if you have to seell house it may pay for some of debt. think about it is all i’m saying. what is he b no i am going to stop that thought. that’s it.



  17.  #17alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    oops last post for reshi if not immediately apparent.



  18.  #18Maria on January 5, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    l took a minute and reread a post. and l realized, to me, the definition is “step out of your comfort zone”, which is in most of the times, lead you to Highway. It can be changing your country or city or moving out from his house, or taking this job….million things, that in a first glance seem absolutely no no. …



  19.  #19Daria on January 5, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    I feel so down… I feel like the world is letting me down… I am letting myself down… I am simply not good enough… men keep promising things and letting me down… I hate them… I hate them and the world… I feel very low and mean… this guy on the phone today said he liked the sweet baby part of me better, that this Daria side feels very distant and far away… I feel pissed… I feel scared that the “real me” is coming out and of course scaring everyone away… I am this close to yelling… I told that guy I feel angry, I don’t want to tlak to him, that I don’t want to hear about him not liking parts of me and that I think we should talk later… and ended the convo… I feel good about doing that, although I also feel like I was acting like a drama queen… oh well… at least a drama queen in my favor… I want to hurt people and make them pay for my mistakes… this guy who was supposed to meet me today for a paid tutorign session and wanted to take me out totally flaked, then said oh he still wants to see me… I feel pist… I hate all guys… no one is good enough to be close to me and I don’t feel good either… I want to believe that all people are good and will come through… although they are not… Iknow they are not because I feel desperate and I want them to, but what is the point of coming through if you don’t when someone desperately needs it… I’m trying to do nice things for myself but I can barely think of anything… besides going to Barnes and Noble which I did… this sux… I feel so enraged, it’s like feeling constantly enraged… I’m thinking it really might be hormones… which again sux… I guess I am cyclically meant to hate the world at times… what is up with that… what am I supposed to do with myself during this time? I have been resting and being by myself for over a week it seems like… I guess I can go out even though that feels icky right now so I won’t be doing that… I like being around friends and I don’t hold people accountable for mistakes because I know ppl make them and I still want to be around them… but now if I am to hold them accountable it looks like I will always be alone and not just in romance but friendship… I miss my friendships with men… they all let me down because I overfunctioned… and I guess I’m supposed to say they’re nto good enough for me which I guess I feel a little… but then I don’t like judging people that way… I like seeing the best in people… I guess I can’t do that anymore, I have to see the real? I feel confused… I am going to nap because I feel a strong urge to do that now…



  20.  #20Maria on January 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Daria, you havent scared us away, on the opposite, we love you! You feel down now, but soon u see you feel much better up again. l belive it is our “mental period” in some ways, which is normal.



  21.  #21alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    i like your positive take on making change and taking risks maria!!!! 🙂



  22.  #22Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Daria…I am with Maria….you could not scare us away. YOU are a gift to all of us whether you are PMS-ing or not….we love you just the way you are! You will feel better soon…just riff your way to the other side. Know that you are loved and deeply appreciated!! Oh and I am sending you one of your beautiful flower hugs with the ribbone pulled super tight!!!
    XOXOXO
    Cassandra



  23.  #23alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    i feel confused. i am ready for three boyfriends. tada. i deserve and have three boyfriends plus many many suitors wherever i go. this life is mine to enjoy.thank you for my three awesome boyfriends and many manly wonderful suitors. thanks!!!



  24.  #24alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    i feel so collassoully bored. i feel stupid i don’t know how to spell that word. my freaking toes are freezing. i feel stuck in place. i feel angry. i feel enraged. that feel ridiculous. ouch my ribs hurt from laughin bc of my olympic workout yeaterday. i feel pissed about my mispellings. i feel furious. haha. that makes me laugh. ouch! i feel like a star without her audience. hahahaha. ouch. i feel a desire for attention. how do people get the attention they want? do i just ask for it? hey will you listen to me blabber ob for the next forty five minutes? i mean do you mind? maybe laugh at a few of my jokes. tell me i’m super great and if you’re cute boy maybe we could makeout? yes?

    i feel cold feet. damn my feet ar Cold. i feel my forehead feels weird. i feel like i am resisting something? what? i feel angry. i don’t know if that’s true. maybe i am resisting my anger. i feel angry. i want BOYFIRENDS damn it. and i want my exes to come running back (clarification NOT ALL OF THEM. just the last two or three) and i want them to pound on my door drop to their knees and begme please please oh alias girl please give us another chance of godess one 🙂 YES! That feels wonderful. that’s what i want. i want a flurry of text messages telling me how wonderful how gorgeous how lovely i am. i want missed calls and voicemails.

    i want cool successful entrepreuners soliciting my partnership in business deals.

    i want the world to smile happily upon and say thank you we love you all is your and more.

    clear enough for ya? picture me rollin’



  25.  #25Reshi on January 5, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    I feel this vague, depressed Ick and nothing is making it go away. I want to feel sexy and sensual and peaceful and free. I remember that feeling, so relaxed and happy, the way the love and light just expands and fills me up, starting from my vagina and radiating outward so wonderfully. I have not felt that in a long time, something in me wants to shut it down. I can’t connect to Divinity at all, I feel separated and shut out. And I don’t even feel a longing or anything that would connect me, just a dull frustrating Ick. It feels like a lid on my head keeping Spirit out. And I feel angry, like I failed at Riffing, failed at turning my love life around, failed at turning my career around, and an doomed to hopelessness forever. I want to scream. And what I want to scream is “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I do not want this. I just keep thinking over and over again, my husband’s an asshole. I don’t want to be thinking of him as an asshole. I don’t want to be thinking of him at all. I just want to be connected to Me and I feel disconnected from me.

    And I deserve to feel disconnected from me because I don’t listen to my intuition when it comes up. Instead I create other people around me to tell me my intuition is bad. Well, FUCK THEM ALL!!!!! I’ve been wanting to live audaciously and the only way I’m going to do it is to strike out on my own, with no one to support me–because someone who supports me can also pull the rug out from under me when there’s nothing but air underneath it.

    I have to. And I’m scared to. And that’s where my Ick is coming from. Reshi has never been tested, out on her own in the real world, she has always had something to cling to. It is time to fly. I know it, everyone around me knows it. But I don’t want to because I’m scared. AG and Cassandra, thanks for the words of support. <3 <3



  26.  #26Ann on January 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Cassandra, first I hope I don’t sound to blunt but I have to say something to you. I see myself in your post. I can’t remember exactly how long you and Charles have
    been together but I assume it’s long enough for you too know him pretty well. Which can be a hinderance as well as a good thing.

    I’ve been with my husband for almost 33 years. 95% of the time I can accurately predict how he will react to something. BUT I’m learning when I go to predicting
    how he or anyone else will react to a situation I’m doing them as well as myself a disservice.

    I had a situation about 3 months ago come up. I spoke to him. I knew in my heart what he was going to do and he’d told me how he was going to handle the situation
    when and if it happened. I worried over it for a couple of weeks, in the meanwhile I kept working my Rori tools. I told my husband how I was going to handle the situation if/when it arose. I kept improving my self-esteem. I knew what I wanted to happen, but I also
    knew whatever happened I’d be able to handle it.

    It happened my husband decide my way was the best way to handle things. He didn’t do anything he said he’d do and that I knew he was going to.

    I know you might have heard this before but please know what I’m going to say is only with your best interest in mind. Sweety you DON’t want to be married to a man that’s not ready to be married. But you know from reading your post I’m not sure if Charles
    isn’t ready to be married or he feels like you’re trying to control him.

    “Let Go Of Him” read those words again real carefully. I didn’t say “let him go”. I learn this from Rori, open your hands and surrender. Let Go of Charles.

    If I were you I’d calmly tell him one more time what I wanted, then I’d leave that ball in his court. I would work on myself, I’d decide what I was going to do
    if I didn’t get what I wanted in a reasonable amount of time or if I didn’t change my mind about what I wanted.

    This is what Rori did with her husband. He knew what she wanted, he knew what he promised. But Rori kept working on her and when he didn’t deliver like he said he would she was able to do what she needed to do for her.

    I believe in you Cassandra. I believe you can focus on you and what makes you happy whether Charles is there or not.

    BTW I wouldn’t pay as much attention to what Charles says as I’d pay to what he does.

    Take Care.



  27.  #27Ann on January 5, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    What a STRONG group of ladies on this blog. We are “feeling” ladies. We’re letting it all hang out as they say. And that’s a good thing. Because we’re sharing our feelings in a safe, caring enviroment. Thanks for letting me be part of it. HUGS to all.



  28.  #28Reshi on January 6, 2009 at 1:37 am

    A few fragments of a poem came to me while I was working out tonight. It’s no literary masterpiece but it’s something you can read when you’re feeling low about men (like I have been for the last few days):

    Masculine energy is all around me
    The love of men is all around me
    The Divine Masculine already loves me
    and I am safe in his warm embrace.

    He desires me, he claimed me, he comes down out of the sky to be with me
    and to him there is no other woman in the world.

    He sees inside my open heart
    and he seeks to enter there.



  29.  #29Daria on January 6, 2009 at 3:32 am

    OOH Reshi are you kidding me that is Beautiful! OH WOW!

    It sounds so good ! Wow I love it from the safe in his warm embrace part around I feel like I am hearing a really ancient magic poem.

    I just had a date tonite! After I felt really awful and wrote the above post I went to restorative yoga class at my gym and felt much better. I feel so glad because I literally felt AWFUL I prayed that I would feel better and that joy of life would return to me.

    Then this guy who at first did not seem my type… a little self centered seeming, also a little goofy, but amazingly has a car… asked me out. So he came and picked me up and well he is REALLY HOT. I mean his body is amazing, which is weird because I usually don’t even like muscular guys, but he is an exception GOSH. Then he proceeded to give me the best massage of my life and the wanted to massage my Feet! WHoa! That was the bomb! MMM so I guess that was a good come back to joy of life.



  30.  #30heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 5:14 am

    Ann, I agree with what you wrote to Cassandra. Put the energy into Adventure on your wonderful Horse.

    I woke up feeling brave and excited. This image of being on my amazing Horse is so vivid for me. Even though I’m in a relationship it can be scary, boring and frustrating. There are times I remember how great it was being single and I’m tempted to run when there’s conflict, so Horse and Adventurer are perfect symbols for me right now. Like having the best of both worlds!! 🙂

    I feel irritated and frustrated. I don’t want to be the only Adventurer, the only one on a horse. I want to take you all with me, I want to get hold of you and say ‘come on, let’s go for a ride! I want to hear you, I want to hear all about your experience of being on your magical horses in this land of adventure’.



  31.  #31Maria on January 6, 2009 at 5:33 am

    Oh God l miss that. its been long since any male looked me with tender eyes….



  32.  #32Caj13 on January 6, 2009 at 6:10 am

    Hey, Ann – I’ll come along! Horses aren’t really that enticing for me (I keep worrying that my equestrian daughter will have the fall she can’t get up from), but I tell myself this mystical horse is different – like the ones I dreamed of before I found myself face-to-..er mug-to-knee with a real one at age 5, been paralyzed with fear ever since. YES, on Pegasus’ back, enveloped by his wings as we canter or soaring with them unfurled, I want to go on that ride with you. (And I know the idea of carrying around the Muse on the back of your steed works, too, cuz I used it spontaneously (sans horse) just before happening onto Rori’s materials. Unfortunately, those were too early days to keep my mojo when WhatsisX showed up again, to both of our surprise, and it all tanked again. Notice I did not say I messed it up, or ‘if only’ I’d had the program in time…. No, this is only about ME and that was not to be, so I feel good that things are sinking in and becoming ME.

    I’m always so tickled to see the good things coming out of the riffing and feeling you are all doing, and equally amazed to see when Synchronity pops up stuff, mostly good, in my own life after the slightest thought or feeling makes itself known. I just wish my ‘I intends’ worked a little better; NQ Cruella’s nasty helpers seem to confuse them with ‘I shoulds’ and get me braking with all fours. But I’m trying to get this arranged to Everyone’s satisfaction (won’t say I’m ‘working’ on it, cuz that’s a self-sabotage word for me).

    May our trail be long and blissfully exciting!



  33.  #33heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 6:19 am

    YAY!!!! I assume you addressing me, Caj13?

    May our trail be lived well, and our swords brandished at the monster of obsession and fear.



  34.  #34Tracy on January 6, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Today i saw my love interest and it all came back to me.i caught myself tried to lean back,smiled said hi and kept moving………..i feel so proud of myself and i feel happy that even with difficulties i’am starting to take the baby steps and using the tools i’ve learnt….i’m sinking into the feeling of disappointment,the frustrations and the fear of loosing in love..i feel overwhelmed by all the feelings and tired of carrying this guy on my horse.I want to to be free,i feel that i will be happy that i will find love and i will fuifil my goals….i feel that i will have a happy family and be happy.i feel i will make me happy and i will smile and be proud………i feel liberated and yet afraid…..afraid of taken another step to this world of the unknown.this new world that is so new to me.
    I am finally learning to love and appreciate myself.



  35.  #35Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Ann….thank you so much for your post. I keep re-reading it to make sure that it sinks in for me. I so appreaciate you sharing your experience with me/ us. It has helped a great deal…thank you. I am so glad that things did indeed go the way that you wanted them to go but I am also happy that you KNEW…totally KNEW that either way YOU would be ok. I think that partly because I am dependent on Charles right now until I can find a job I have also felt that I have no say in anything. I am most definitely planning to share my power speech with him but at the same time I am not ready to do that because I need to be ready for any of the consequences when I do that….and right now I am SO NOT READY for the possibility of ‘us’ being over. I am trying hard to get there by working on ME and my esteem but until I feel that I can handle that happening I can’t tell him how I really feel. I will most definitely tell him though once I have a job….and I will tell him far enough in advance for him to think about what I have told him that I feel and make a decision. I know that none of this is written in stone but I have also decided that once I sign a lease….not just physically move but just sign a lease then that is it. I am so glad that things turned out the way that they did for you….Charles however has been telling me for months that he is not ready to get married…although you also said to look at what he does rather than what he says and if I do that then maybe I WILL be happily surprised. We are living as a married couple now so I am confused as to what he is afraid of and when I ask him he says that most marriages fail. Well I get that but we don’t have to be one of the statistics and I tell him that too. he does not know anyone in his life at all (except for my family and friends) who is still married and happy. I get that he is afriad of that but we are doing pretty well right now so what would be different? I don’t get that. His actions are so different than his words….we are living as a married couple, we do stuff together when he is home, when he goes out with the guys…he still comes home to ME….when he goes out to this one place that he likes he ALWAYS brings me my favorite wings from there and we have our little routines like our Thursday night wings and watch our TV shows night if he is home from being on the road all week long. His actions are for the most part, that of a married man. I feel so much better having written that all out. WOW. Perhaps, I will be surprised but I can’t expect that. I have to be prepared for the worst, in case he does make that decision to have me move out. I do not feel that I am trying to control him at all by telling him how I feel and that is why I must be prepared for him to let me go once I tell him how I feel because I can’t control his decision and I don’t want to. I want him to decide that he can’t let me move out because he WANTS me to be his wife and spend our lives together and for me NOT to move. I do NOT want to control that…I want it to be his decision but either way I am being true to ME. If he decides NOT to have me move then WONDERFUL…I stay and we get married ….. If however he decides that he still wants me to move so that we are no longer ‘living in sin’ but still be together and committed to one another as a couple until he IS ready to get married then I have to move on with my life without him. That will hurt like hell but I have to be prepared…either way.

    Reshi…your poem made me cry. That was so beautiful..thank you for sharing it with us…it really is beautiful.
    YOu guys are all so awesome!
    XOXO
    Cassandra



  36.  #36Rori Raye on January 6, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Yaayy to you all – Tracy – Fantastic – Thank you for letting us know. Love, Rori



  37.  #37Daria on January 6, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Im feeling weird… that feels like tightness in my cheekbones… that feels a little like smiling… I love my smile… I love the tightness in my cheekbones… that feels like laughing… that feels like moaning? lol… I feel like grinning… I love my grins… I feel so flirty and cute… that is good because I was feeling lonely this morning… it felt like a boiling ball in my tummy… and I love my boiling ball… that feels like sighing… and I love my sighing and I feel like I am smiling big… I feel confused and lost on my highway to love… that feels like cheeks dropping down… I love my dropping cheeks… I love my pressure in my chest and left forehead… that feels like heavy cheeks, like coughing and sighing… and I love my coughs and sighs… that feels like upturned mouth corners… I feel resistance to doing what I want to do today… I Want to have lots of friends that I feel good and comfortable with… I FEEL so dissapointed and discouraged that I had that and now I feel like I don’t … and that feels like dropping cheeks again… I love my dropping cheeks… that feels like hmmph laughing and upturned corners… I feel tension in my tummy and I love my tension… that feels like sighing… I feel hopeless and abandoned… that feels like droopy shoulders and cheeks, like hanging head… and I love my hanging head and that feels like burping and like upturning mouth corners… I love my upturning mouth corners… I Wish I made people feel so good that they always wanted to be around me… that would feel blissful… that would feel like joy and clapping hands and dancing and maybe singing… that feels like tightness in my tummy, upturned mouth corners that are going down and an expression of feelign captivated… I love my mouth corners… I love my yawning… and that feels like mouth turning up… I love the tension in my mouth? and belly… I love the tension in my belly and that feels like oatmeal in there… it feels softer… I love the softer feeling and I love the yawns I am making… that feels like pinching in my belly and I love my pinching… I love my thoughts of being abandoned… of dying from lack of love and that feels like laughing? lol… I WANT to have people I feel connected with want to be around me… I Want to feel free and connected and supported… I want to feel powerful and bolstered, I WANT to feel part of a group and not always on my own against the wind in a lonely open land or on an empty never ending road… that feels like tension in my cheeks and I love my tension… That feels like lower intestines mvoing and I love my intestines… that feels like laughing… I feel glad that I can laugh… I feel tension in my thigh and I love my tension… that feels like sighing… that feels like yawning… I love my sighing and yawning… that feels like a light smile and a little dizzyness in my left side of my head… I love my dizzyness… that feels like smiling… I feel all gooey inmy tummy and I love my gooeyness and that feels like a little laughing… I feel relaxed and I feel like yawning… I feel more free… and I feel awed at this process and I feel smily in my face and a little tense around my neck and shoulder muscles… and I love my tension, my dizzyness and my smile and that feels like a little laughing and more smile… I feel so calm and peaceful… that feels like smiling, like pulling farther from the computer and noticing the SUNSHINE!! OH I love sunshine and that feels like yawning… Ok I feel like making a phone call for an appointment right now… and that feels a little like laughing and smiling… yay…



  38.  #38Caj13 on January 6, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Maybe the controlling is in Not Telling the Feelings. Knowledge is Power, and if we’re not letting on what we know/feel about ourselves and our needs, we are exercizing Power Over the other, not assuring respect for our Personal Power. If, no matter what they do or say, we act the same, keep from saying how we’re affected, how can they ‘get’ what’s going on with us?

    Thanks for your poem, Reshi, I’ve printed it out and re-read it 4 times. It just feels soooo good.



  39.  #39Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Caj…I think that is what my new girlfriend meant when she said that by NOT tell him how I really feel, I am not being fair to either of us. I am not giving HIM the chance to STEP UP. That is why I am trying to work through whatever it is that is keeping me from telling him..whatever it is that is keeping me in fear so that I can move forward in this process and get it all out on the table. That way I have been honest, open and authentic in telling him…in feeling messages of course how I REALLY feel and what I don’t want and then he can move forward in whatever way he chooses and so can I. I am still not ready though to do that because I am not at the point yet where I could feel ok if he says that he still wants me to move.



  40.  #40alias girl on January 6, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    oh thank you caj 13. your comment struck a cord with me. i am a total with holder of inromation bc i don’t want to be VULNERABLE. duh. duh. ahhhh it feels really scary to tell someone how much i like someone. is this recommended? argh. ick blech. anyone have feedback on this? what do i say? i totally am so over the moon for you. i mean i feel alot of resistance to commiting to anyone right away and i don’t want just a casual sex only relationship but at the same time i don’t want to just jump into seriousness and i also want to keep dating other people (some of whom i may be also over the moon for)

    yuh right. is this what i say to him? help.

    argh. usually i just act cool. and well that hasn’t quite gotten me results that are on spot with what i want.

    yes thank you for the poem reshi. i like it alot. 🙂



  41.  #41heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Alias Girl – I used to think a woman shouldn’t say love things to a man, that it was ‘forward’. But I feel good being affectionate spontaneously, and the words just come out. So long as it’s genuine.

    My man committed a major Dorkdom at the weekend – and I mean MAJOR – and I’ve been feeling angry with him, so we’ve been going through this issue, with him defending his action and me expressing feeling messages. It’s not a break-up thing, not an affair or anything like that, but still a major Dorkdom.

    Tonight we were out having coffee and I was just looking at him talking. One thing I’ve learned, which FLOATS me out of Neediness, is to drift into Curious mode. So there I am just looking at him. I noticed his mouth looked sweet, his beard so cute and his eyes sparkling as he talked.

    I just fell in love with him again, and I wanted to get hold of him and kiss him. I leaned back and kept looking at him, imagining kissing his gorgeous mouth. Suddenly he was no longer a scary swine, just a man, a man who made a decision I was unhappy with, but just a man, and a good man in his heart.

    He noticed, said ‘what?’. I said ‘I feel like kissing you’ and smiled. Everything melted and warmed up between us.

    So maybe something like that, Alias Girl? – notice him, get curious, feel your feelings, lean back and he’ll pick up the signal. That’s your cue to say something. It always works for me, when the feelings are spontaneous and not something I’ve ‘saved up’.

    Hope it goes well!

    I’ve had a stinker of a weekend, but I don’t feel like going into it now as we’re getting close again and I feel grrrrreat 🙂



  42.  #42alias girl on January 6, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    thanks heartbeat!!! that sounds perfectly terrific and fun! thank you so much!

    i like how you got curious with your guy and got all smitten for him again. it’s really cool. actually sometimes i think that’s a problem for me is i can’t stay angry with the men i really like. no. actually that’s probably a lucky thing. 🙂



  43.  #43Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    AG & Heartbeat….I am with you on that. I can’t stay mad either and for me that has not served me well in SOME situations however in others is a blessing. I love how you handled that heartbeat….beautiful. I will try to remember to do that more myself….I love it!



  44.  #44heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Thank you Cassandra and Alias Girl! I WAS still angry with him, and I’m still shaken. I’m so thankful for Rori’s tools which enabled me, in the midst of tension, to be open to closeness and sexiness as it happened. I think we could have stayed stuck in our respective ‘stuff’ – he gets stubborn and defensive, I get upset and in a previous life would have got into justifying, explaining and advising him how he could have handled things differently.



  45.  #45heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Re: “and in a previous life would have got into justifying, explaining and advising him how he could have handled things differently”. – I still struggle NOT doing that, my head starts trying to figure out what’s going on, comes up with smart one-liners, wants to scream at him, while my body is shaking, my mouth dry and my stomach churning. Or I just start shutting down and my Voice tells me I’m ‘unreasonable’.

    I’m getting there slowly; keeping the messages short and staying with feelings is so much better – I can get sidetracked into his defensive arguments otherwise.

    Sometimes I just need to express my feeling, that is all. He did ask what he could do to make me feel better, so I was able to tell him.



  46.  #46Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Heartbeat….this is a HUGE accomplishment. Do you realize what a huge deal this is? You could have totally blown up in his face and yelled and screamed and what not but you stepped back…..sank INTO your feelings and allowed yourself to APPRECIATE him even in the midst of a challenging situation. You allowed yourself to love him above being stuck in the ‘soup’. How awesome is that?!!! YAYAYAYYYYY for you!! I personally think that you should do something special for yourself to celebrate this BIG step forward. I send you a big huge hug along with of Daria’s beautiful flower bouquets with the flowing pink and red ribbons tied around it!! YAY for you!! Sure there is still an ‘issue’ to work out but guess what….now you can handle it very differently than you would have in the past!! 🙂

    XOXOXO
    Cassandra



  47.  #47Ann on January 6, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Cassandra,

    I’m glad my post didn’t offend you. Please know that anything I say on here to anyone is only with the intent to help. With that being said let me warn you this post might be long lol.

    Let me start with a quote for you:”Expect the best, prepare for the worse.”

    I’m going to put parts of your post in quotations so you’ll know which part I’m referring to.

    “I think that partly because I am dependent on Charles right now until I can find a job I have also felt that I have no say in anything. ”

    I’ve felt this fear before. As I said my DH and I have been together almost 33 years. Besides babysitting jobs, I’ve worked maybe 2 weeks out of that whole time. I’m financially dependent on him now. You have more say than you may realize.

    “I am most definitely planning to share my power speech with him but at the same time
    I am not ready to do that because I need to be ready for any of the consequences when I do that….
    and right now I am SO NOT READY for the possibility of ‘us’ being over. I am trying hard to get
    there by working on ME and my esteem but until I feel that I can handle that happening I can’t tell him how I really feel. I will most definitely tell him though once I have a job….and I will tell him far enough in advance for him to think about what I have told him that I feel and make a decision. ”

    Sweetie I can feel and understand your fear. Please know that I’m sharing my experiences with you in hopes of showing you that you too can do this. I am NOT pushing for you to leave Charles. I’m trying to encourage you as you move forward. In your growth process of focusing more on you, your self esteem, your confidence, your power.

    “Charles however has been telling me for months that he is not ready to get married…”

    Now what I’m going to say might be a little confusing, and will be blunt. But to me Charles is showing you he’s not ready to be married either. If he was you’d have a ring on your finger, a date, time and place for the ceremony.

    “We are living as a married couple now so I am confused as to what he is afraid of and when I ask him he says that most marriages fail. Well I get that but we don’t have to be one of the statistics and I tell him that too. he does not know anyone in his life at all (except for my family and friends) who is still married and happy. I get that he is afriad of that but we are doing pretty well right now so what would be different? I don’t get that. His actions are so different than his words….we are living as a married couple………His actions are for the most part, that of a married man. ”

    To me his actions are the actions of a man who is at this point in time in love with a woman and is sharing his life with her. But he isn’t sure if he wants to make this commitment for life. Right now if something was to go wrong he doesn’t have to worry about paying for a divorce, alimony, the house or splitting furniture.

    I’m sorry I promise you I’m in NO WAY trying to hurt you. I wish I was there in person so you could see how I’m sincerely trying to help you.

    I must say personally I don’t see what Charles is doing as wrong. He’s not ready for the commiment of marriage. So he’s CHOOSING not to promise you happily ever after.

    It’s up to you to CHOOSE how long or if you’ll wait. It’s up to you to CHOOSE to get yourself secure enough, you’ll be ok either way.

    You know I said my DH and I have been together almost 33 years. The first 6 of those 33 years we were not married. But we were living together just like man and wife. That was because I CHOSE not to be married. I didn’t know if wanted to be married to him. I loved him but didn’t know if I was ready for marriage. I come from divorced parents. I’ve seen and live through some terrible things in my life. When I was ready I told him so. I went into my marriage not knowing if it would last or not. But I was ready to make the commiment.

    I didn’t say you were trying to control Charles. I said Charles may feel like you’re trying to control him. Boy I’m getting long winded so I’m not going into perspective except to say “there’s a BIG difference in what we’re trying to say and what the other person might hear.”

    I take that back I do have to say a little about perspective lol. EX. here- if I was to ask people who know about Rori and her work “What does she do?” I think the majority would say she’s a relationship coach or something along those lines.

    Then if I ask “what kind of relationship coach?” I think the majority of people would say the relationship between a woman and a man.

    While I would agree her teaching do encompass that relationship. I don’t think they just apply to that. For me her tools teach me how to interact better with everyone. But first and foremost her tools teach me how to be a better me. How to have a better life for me. Which in turn is good for everyone else around me too.

    Sorry so long winded. Take Care.



  48.  #48Ann on January 6, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    YAY heartbeat, that was practicing Rori tools in all your Goddessness. Thank you SOOOOO much for sharing that with us.



  49.  #49heartbeat on January 6, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Cassandra & Ann – thank you so much, I got the hugs and the flowers with me right now 🙂 I’m tucked up in bed now, I wish you all goodnight and will catch up later in the week. Much love. XXX



  50.  #50Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Ann….oh gosh NO! Not at all…as a matter of fact I was so encouraged by it and feel so thankful that you thought enough of me and my situation to share it with all of us…that meant al great deal to me. regarding your last post…that also helped me tremendously. It does hurt me to hear that Charles may really be telling me the truth in saying that he is not ready to get married in which case giving him my power speech would be totally cutting off my nose to spite my face butif I don’t tell him then my life will still be on hold and that’s not fair to me. I do so hope that when I tell him how I feel that he realizes what he has and decides that he does not want to be without me but I cant control that. I know that he loves me and knows that I take wonderful care of him and our home but if he is not ready then he is not ready. I want him to NOT want to be without me. Of course it makes me deeply sad that I will quite possibly lose him but in the meantime I am losing me. Thank you so much for your input…it is invaluable even though sometimes the truth is hard to hear…I deeply appreciate your willingness to help me.. I send you big hugs Ann!! XOXOXO
    Cassandra



  51.  #51Ann on January 6, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Goodnight Heartbeat again thanks so much.

    Cassandra I’m glad I’m able to help a little. I wish you all the best on your journey.

    Right now I’m going to apply Rori’s kitty tool.



  52.  #52alias girl on January 7, 2009 at 12:30 am

    i feel annoyed and angry and out of gas. phhflaa.i feel like melted rubber. i feel like a glob of old dirty gum. blah. i feel so tired. i feel so tired of my JOB. i know to resist something is to keep it in place and so i am angry i am even writing about it. i feel so angry. interesting because i thought i was just tired when in fact i guess it was just stuffed anger. i feel so over it. so over it. OVER IT. i feel sad. but more importantly i feel angry. rrrrrrrrrrrrr. i feel like setting the whole building on fire. (not a real threat fyi just a feeling) i feel so angry. i feel stiffness in my neck and tiredness like someone just covered me with a steel blanket and i can’t move but not without first attaching the horrible tight metal band around my head. and pressing on my temples. i feel so put out. i hate my job. i hate that i hate my job. i love that i hate my job. sad face. pouty lip. i love that i still feel stuck. i love that i feel i am punishing myslef and wasting my life. i love my metal band around my head. i love that it is so tight. i love that i feel trapped and roped in and angry. i feel scared i am taking a backwards step by focussing on these horrible feelings. i feel so agitated. i feel like yelling at someone and telling them what a terrible awful job they are doing with manifesting my dreams. i feel angry that all these millionaires and billionaires are commiting suicide. are you freaking kidding me. i feel judgemental. i feel bad for judging myself and those rich people. i feel so angry that i am even writing this stupid comment. i could just punch myself and cause me to lose all my teeth. how would i like that? hahah that sounded like my father’s voice. i wish i had told my da d off more. i was scared of him i wish i could tell my boss off. but i’m scared of losing my job. i love that i feel cowardly.



  53.  #53alias girl on January 7, 2009 at 12:41 am

    wtf is wrong with this jackass thing that i can’t finish a comment when I am ready to finish it? arghrrrrrrrrrrufff. i feel so angry. you would never know it to look at me but i am steaming inside. i feel so disconnected. i feel frustrated that things are going exactly like i want them to. wtf

    i want to be rich
    i want boy company of boys i love to spend time with
    i want success
    i want a home
    i want to tell my boss he’s a complete troll. no i don’t i feel so sorry for him. i feel like that would hurt him more than he is already. but i would like to tell the truth when he is acting like an unconscious douchebag.
    i want to never ever tthink about my boss again. i want his blech removed from my consciousness. i want to feel only neutrality about my boss.

    i feel so sad. i feel so weak. i love my weakness. why? i don’t know bc rori says to love all of it. i love myweakness bc no one else does. sad face. i love my loser self. i love my trapped no dreams come true self. i love that i am dwelling in self pity and screwing up my whole manifestation vibe. i love that no cutie pie men have approached me. i love that i am unapproachable. i am either so beyond fantastic it must mean that guys are too intimidated to approach my greatness. or that i am sending out my self punishing not worthy vibe and so men don’t even want to be in the vicinity of me. i feel so sad. i feel so sad. i feel guilty i am so picky about men and who i like to date but i like what i like. if i was trying to manifest pizza and all that kept showing up for me was lobster i would still be sad. people would say alias girl why so sad. look at all this lobster. lobster is great. but i don’t like lobster. i feel sad. i feel sad. i feel like my head is in a fishbowl.



  54.  #54Reshi on January 7, 2009 at 10:35 am

    AG, I feel guilty about being picky about men too, but like…yeah. I like what I like. And you know what, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with it. They want to be desired by us too. They don’t want to be with a woman who has to close her eyes and think of England. And if we’re not attracted to some guy, some other girl will be. I have an absolutely gorgeous, perfect-looking coworker who is no competition for me whatsoever because every guy I like, she thinks is completely unhot, and I feel the same way about hers. So here’s to pizza!



  55.  #55Diane on January 9, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    I can really relate to the story about the Highway of Love and being on a horse. I have ridden horses for more thatn 45 years. I am divorced and have gone through so many bad days getting over my marriage. The one thing that kept me sane was the fact that I do own a horse and could alwyas go to him and feel better after spending time with him. Riding my horse is a sense of freedom and now thinking of what I justread, I will use this and put my horses face to this unbelieveable ride. I will explore the Highway of Love looking down from the back of my own horse. Thanks for putting things into a way that I can truely relate.



  56.  #56Cookie on January 10, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Hi, ladies, Hi Heartbeat, I got so excited reading your posts about being curious about your man and saying I feel like kissing you. I think that’s so energizing looking at a man (a new or old one) and looking at his lips and eyes and smile and being curious about him in that way. I feel so sensual when I am able to do it and it makes me horny. My guy makes it diffucult to do this with him, he spends much of the time we are together in his place with his back to me watching television. When we do go out, i.e, the movies or bowling, we don’t really face each other, I always felt underneath it all it was me that he didn’t want to look at but I know also that he doesn’t like being looked at, which feels weird to me because he likes dressing nice and having nice things. I don’t really understand but anyway, I guess I can practice looking at new men in this way. I had a brief affair with a co worker of mine a couple of years ago, I remember looking at him and being curious about him in these ways and I just felt so sexy and bold and good. The sexual energy between us was so thick it was hard to breathe around each other. It ended of course as all affairs do but it reminded me that I was still alive in those areas. I guess I stifled that part of me because of my guy’s issues, as if because something didn’t exist for him that it meant that it couldn’t exist for me. I want new men to practice on. You guys are inspiring.



  57.  #57Caj13 on January 10, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Well, Cookie, from your new point of vision, you’ll be seeing those new beaux, pouring water onto your wheel, so get ready to rinse your eyes and say ‘you’ve come to the right place’ with them.

    How about one of our Powerful Poetesses doing something with AG’s tiffs ‘n’ riffs – maybe a little haiku?



  58.  #58heartbeat on January 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Hey Cookie, thanks!! I feel like dancing and all shy at the same time 🙂

    The moment I described has changed me – I feel so much more relaxed and confident. I see him differently and feel loving and strong.

    At the weekend I rode my Horse through an amazing landscape of feelings, from frustrated to delighted, from weak to horny. He sang me ‘Just Like A Woman’ and I cried like a little girl…

    I feel shy again now – I feel new and nervous. I feel calm.

    I’m catching up on all the posts over the weekend, I’m amazed, I feel connected to you all. My knees feel shaky and I feel fuzzy in my stomach remembering this economic dip, and I’m angry it’s in our life.

    I feel like resting, I’m tired, I don’t want to stop, just do stuff for myself tomorrow.



  59.  #59Linda G on January 16, 2009 at 6:23 am

    I have been trying my best to be adventurous, change my vibe, circular date, leaning way back, etc etc… It all seems to be going downhill. I went from not getting callbacks after 2-3 dates to cancelations even before they show up. My safety cage is no longer safe, every time I am rejected or neglected it just triggers me more and more. I find my self lamenting for a relationship that was mostly toxic, but familiar and there was lots of chemistry, which I don’t deem to be able to rustle up for anyone and when I do thay flee. I am getting tired of the whole thing. I hate that I fel this way. I hate that I still feel I need to be chosen rather than choose.



  60.  #60Flipper on January 17, 2009 at 5:26 am

    Hi Linda G – I hear you, loud and clear (I’m responding to your other post, too) I had actually checked this one to come back to, hoping there’d be more and better direct feedback in the meantime, cuz I can mainly offer to share the misery. I feel sure a lot of readers out there can relate to your situation, as I certainly do. I can just feel your disappointment, frustration, feeling of being duped or hopelessly naive to have ‘bought into’ this strategy, etc etc – all things quite legitimate and that we can easily admit to on the surface – and the much deeper fear that the problem really is with myself, and my case at any rate, there’s a ton of rage that I still haven’t dealt with, still don’t really feel, despite some recent cracks in the sarcophagus.

    I can feel hostility in your words (this is no critique – I feel that’s a good thing). Even disguised, it’s still better to get it out – it’s easier to pull off a mask than dig out something buried in the depths. And again, no criticism meant, I hope my comments will help you but they are really reflexions on my own situation, on things which trigger me, in which you may recognize some of your own truth). I feel challenge and defiance coming through your posts, it feels like hearing “Look at me – All I’ve done to become perfect (in advance, For YOU)!. So where’s my Reward?! Just What are YOU bringing me?! and Why are You bugging me with Your wrongness?” My own results in having this kind of hidden agenda are catastrophic.

    I have, in both rehashed and new ways, slipped back into my old self-sabotaging habits. My Nasty Voices feel vindicated to find themselves back in their old comfort zone of ‘what’s the use?”. My disguise, to ‘justify’ my non-attraction, includes gaining a lot of weight back, feeling or acting depressed, confusion/resistance – anything to help understand and accept why I didn’t find Happily-Ever-After once I had slimmed down, was fit, relooked to fabulous, felt more wonderful still, went out all over the map, and was attracting people like flies.

    This makeover happened several years ago, consciously, with a little help from a therapist freind, and got me into a ‘marvelous’ but, alas, imaginary relationship. And so I KNOW from experience that Rori’s approach works. But this was all well before learning about the Whole programme with its built-in support. In fact, it was the drag of that ‘failure’ that got me onto her. But the damage, to my still fragile self esteem (which was so largely based on HIS involvement with me) had already been done.

    Finally, I’m allowing myself to realize I feel even lower than when I started (which was pretty bad) because I had not really got MYSELF to where I needed to be! So it’s back to the drawing board (literally, with my therapist, to put the ‘blame’ where it belongs, and not on myself or on Them, meaning all the dud or toxic Exes. We don’t dwell on the ‘blame’, but finding the sources of the trauma satisfies curiosity and serves as a springboard to slither (I’m not up to jumping yet) into my anger.) The reinforcement and support that I’m finding here and in the programmes are helping me to move faster, some small breakthroughs have been rewarded, but I know I cannot expect anything too Specific. FantasyMan is still on the back of my horse, tho’ careening tipsily and I manage to be ‘mean” to him now (see him as he is). I DO Expect to be Surprised, but the very nature of that means there’s no point in plotting it out in my overbearing mind.

    I can’t offer any specific advice, but I do extend my heartfelt empathy to you in your suffering. Let it all fume and gush and hug yourself hard. xoxoxox



  61.  #61Rori Raye on January 17, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Welcome, Flipper – And Thank you for your comment. I’m so glad you brought up “Trauma” – and I hope you’ll read the post I did here on how to heal Trauma without going back into the “story” – or as you put it the “source.” Everything that we feel NOW is linked to something in the past. And going back into the past is usually a re-traumatizing experience – and is totally unnecessary. We have ALL we need to work with right here in the Here and Now. I’ll be talking more and more about this, and having some expert guests post also, so you know I’m backed up by science. Love, Rori