The New Feminism And Having It All

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2Because I’m focusing all my work now on the concept of “Have It All!” – I’m always on the lookout for something we can chew on here.

http://nymag.com/news/features/retro-wife-2013-3/

This article profoundly affected me – because, when my daughter was born and throughout her life – all I wanted to do was be with her.

When I felt like I had no place I needed to be except right where I was, with her (even though I had a bookkeeping business for all those years).

I went through many phases – resenting my husband for my not being able to “not work,” completely forgetting about myself, my needs, sleep in order to be with my daughter as much as humanly possible, and work the rest of the time (mostly when she was sleeping).

I went on like this for years and years and years – writing my books (and keeping my clients’ “books”) way into the night, fighting off migraines, and following after my daughter as much as I could.

When I was with only her – I could relax. When I thought of the work sitting on my desk, I could only stress.

For me, I learned that “doing” what needed to be done so I could just be with my daughter was both the solution to my immediate stress – and the CAUSE of my consistent, constant “always” stress.

And – what this article doesn’t mean to attend to – but does – is the romantic relationship between Kelly and her husband.

For me, the Have It All argument is not at ALL about work and kids.  It’s about work and romantic love.

Because taking care of kids is a masculine, action-oriented experience – it’s not at all “Having It All.”

To Have It All means I use, full out,  all of my masculine energy at work and taking care of kids, AND – I get to LeanBack, lie down, be touched, be loved, be adored and be allowed, encouraged and requested to sink into my “being” feminine energy whenever I WISH.

Even if I’m feeding the kids.

Even if I’m pounding out a business report.

The thing is – we all have a different idea of “work” – which, to me, can simply be explained by our masculine energy wishing to DO.

What I wanted to DO was stand by my daughter, watch her, feed her, worry about her, take care of her, figure out her needs, listen to her. I had no sense whatsover about just “being” with her – because I was always coming from a masculine energy place.

Except – something in me instinctively went to “girl energy” sometimes around my daughter. Because I had no where else I needed to “be” MORE!

So – to use that throughout life:

Somehow I gave myself PERMISSION to BE with my daughter. Somehow something in my background and training told me it was important “work.”

On the other hand, something in me tells me my entire profession as a writer, coach and teacher is “frou-frou.” I never stop experiencing that moment of “guilt” at so loving my “work.” Being an entrepreneur seems like CHEATING when it comes to work.

You may have other stories and messages coming through your brain about what constitutes important work.

The only choices we need to make are around time and energy. Where do we put it?

To Have It All doesn’t mean you never have to make choices – if I eat at this restaurant, I don’t eat at that restaurant. If I wear this blue dress, I don’t wear this red dress. If I sit down now and return emails, I don’t work on that report. If I sit and laugh with my daughter over a snack, or even a TV show, yes!, I don’t get to clean the dishes, do the laundry, wash my hair, read a book…

And – so what?

I was in love with my husband because he gave me my daughter. And because he was an exceptional father.

I hardly even saw him as a person.

This is what I learned from my own family and everything I saw – it was either passion or family.

And, for me – that’s the Have It All mantra here:

It’s NOT just about work and/or love.

It’s about Passion and Family.

Love and friendship.

Money and Love.

These things have been presented to us as OPPOSITES!

These things have been presented to us as compromise, as settling.

Nowhere have I ever been continually taught (except perhaps in films and plays and songs!) that it’s possible to experience life in a different way.

And now – we have the Business Siren Protocols – and permission from our inner, feminine selves to Have It All! Yes!

Love, Rori

 

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126 Comments

  1.  #1LoveToMe on May 16, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Oh, man. All of this, Rori – so much!!

    Work OR kids is not a “choice.” It’s not a trade-off for men, OR for women. In fact…I feel like this is something I’ve observed, though I have yet to test it on myself – being a mom can actually *enhance* or at least feed into a positive feedback loop between parenting and work, such that the two enhance each other – not subtract from, as we are often told. I feel like this is a lie and a big fat false myth. It isn’t the truth of what really happens. It’s just one way that sexism keeps women down, by building this narrative that motherhood = less time or enthusiasm for work. But I digress (kind of).

    Rori, you read my brain waves. Just this morning, in the shower, I was thinking that I really need to embrace my entrepreneurial self. I’ve been fighting it under the delusion that everyone is “right,” that you need a “steady job” in order to have good income and a good life. I have my dad as a bad example of what it means to “work for yourself.” In his model, it is one of struggle, and of feast or famine. His would seem to support the argument that it is not workable and a bad idea.

    Yet getting “a job” and working for someone else is so stifling for me. I feel like I am allocating my best resources – my time and energy – toward someone else’s dream, and someone else’s good life, while being compensated minimally. Even if I made good money, there would still be a cap on how much that could be, and it would be determined by someone else.

    I feel like someone who can only be defined by me. I can’t and don’t fit into other people’s boxes. I have to make my own box, in my own particular shape.

    That’s kind of the only option I have right now. I never stay in “jobs” long-term. Yet I imagine that I can be so, so much more successful without one.

    And now I have that great opportunity! Because I quit my job!!!! Ahhh!!

    I did this two weeks ago, actually. I feel sooooo happy with this choice, even though I only had a little bit of savings, and no idea where my rent is going to come from. But I feel so energized by possibility – by taking a stand for MYSELF and what is right FOR ME, that I feel oddly not as worried as I could be. I feel somehow relaxed, even.

    And as I apply and interview for “jobs,” I realize that I don’t really even want them. I just want to create for myself. This feels so exciting. I want to go work in it right now!!!



  2.  #2LoveToMe on May 16, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    …but first. Before I work on my stuff, I want to share something that I just had an “aha” moment on today, that released a lot of my fear and anger and tension that I had been holding onto…

    I now know why I felt so DEEPLY angry about my “guy friend” that I visited a while ago – it was almost two months now. I’ve been moving through all kinds of emotions. Stages of grief maybe, but not that organized. Just shifting emotions, sometimes sloshing between powerful, visceral anger, and then over to calm, contentment, and compassion. But I found the water of my emotions consistently pooling in one place, time after time. After I would jostle myself, they would slosh right back over to this spot. And sometimes I would catch the water and go “Oh, this is about me.” But there was always this one little puddle. And that one puddle was giving me all of my anger, my rage, and my resentment.

    It wasn’t just about him walking away. It was about him walking away after doing THIS THING.

    What was “this thing”?

    Well, I thought it was the sex. That is, I kept blaming myself, telling myself that it was because I decided to sleep with him, that I “ruined” our friendship. And that is only true to the extent that I made the call.

    But here is the thing – and I was alerted to this notion by a really wonderful video I watched recently about building healthy boundaries: just because you agree to something once, in one moment, doesn’t mean that you have permanently agreed to something, and/or that you aren’t allowed to change your mind from moment to moment. Something can be ok to you one day, and then next day it is not ok. And the only person who can make that determination is YOU. That was the core message of the video.

    And the way this applies to me is this – I was forgetting to talk or even think about the “other” time we “had sex.” I put those words in quotes on purpose. And I’m taking deep breaths as I write this. And feeling nervous. And trying to stay present.

    I think a really bad thing happened with him. And even though I’m fighting with myself on this: IT WASN’T MY FAULT.

    You see, that last night that I stayed at his house, I DID want to have sex with him. Even if it was partly the fact that I was so turned on – I mean, why not?? I am adult woman. If I was feeling so much pleasure, and having known him for so long, trusting him – why the heck wouldn’t I? I knew I would be gone in a day. And even though I figured I would see him again, I was turned on THEN, in that moment. I see no room for self-blame then. And that was good. As far as I can remember, that was a good experience. If it had stopped there, with that, that would have been ok. But it didn’t.

    I remember waking early in the morning the next day. It was just getting light, maybe 5 or 5:30 a.m. I was excruciatingly tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I’m not sure why I was awake. But he was awake also. He rolled over and spooned me, pressing on me from behind. I groaned about how early it was and said I wanted to sleep. I didn’t reciprocate his “spooning.” And I don’t remember what was said after that. I think I dissociated, due to either exhaustion or being overwhelmed, or both. I just remember thinking, “I don’t want to have sex. I really don’t want to have sex.” But the next thing I knew, without asking me anything at all, he was reaching around me and touching me in various places. I was trying not to let him, but that’s just what he was doing. I guess I felt like there wasn’t a way to say “no,” since he hadn’t actually asked me a question. And either before or just at the moment of touching is when I guess I dissociated, because that is when I tend to get “silent.” That is, I know that I am dissociating when I have a thing in my head that I REALLY want to say, but I just “can’t.” As in, no matter how much I think this thing, my mouth muscles don’t actually move to respond and say the thing. So even though I really wanted to say “I don’t want to have sex right now,” in actual fact, I felt powerless. I felt forced into doing something I didn’t want to do, because suddenly my body was responding. But it was all automatic.

    I would say that I even participated. But it wasn’t like the night before, where I felt like I was making a conscious choice. This was like an unconscious, robotic response. It was more like a child who is is sexual abused, who will actually, over time, begin to initiate sex acts, because they know, or they have learned that this helps them feel more “in control.” So in the same way, my body might have participated in order to give myself the illusion of control. But he was pulling all the strings, and pushing all the buttons. And my mind was far away, miles away, I have no idea where.

    The point of all this is: I might have let him have sex with me that night. But that doesn’t mean that I gave him a carte blanche and a green light indefinitely to do whatever and however much with me whenever he wanted. That next morning, he took me by force, WITHOUT my permission.

    And THAT is why I have been feeling so angry with him.

    And that is NOT my fault.

    And he didn’t leave me because he’s such a great guy, and I’m such a mess of a person with “triggers” and whatnot. He left me because he is a terrible guy, and he is a sexual predator, and I am actually too strong for him. In that, even though I let that happen, I was seeing through the chinks in his personality. I was seeing ways in which he was narcissistic and self-serving and calling him out on it. And in the end, the moment that drove him away, I was not actually “triggered,” I was asking for my boundaries to be observed and my body to be respected.

    AND HE COULDN’T DO IT.

    He raped me, and he did it all in such a way that I was supposed to believe that I “asked for it.”

    No one EVER asks to be raped. And in order for there to be consent, you have to ASK first. If you don’t ask, THEN YOU DON’T HAVE CONSENT.

    He did it, because he believed he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me, and that is FALSE. It is disrespectful, and it is the opposite of love.

    It has taken me almost two months to realize this with full clarity – I guess it took me just this long to become fully non-dissociated. But now that I am back, I have a LOT more respect for myself. I feel much less anger, because I feel more connected to the truth – and disconnected to the lie that his behaviors were somehow MY fault. He is a classic misogynist, parading around as a guy who promotes himself as a feminist. He is anything but.

    Almost every day, for the last 6 weeks or so, I would go to sleep and wake up with the same script running through my head. It would morph slightly, but the essential words and message were all there. I didn’t rush to write him a message, because I was thinking that it would be like “leaning forward,” trying to connect. I thought I might “hurt his feelings.” Ha! As if.

    Well, I finally did a cool thing. I just ranted off to him in the mirror. I gave him “what for” to my reflection. And afterward, I felt calm, cool, and collected. I ‘came back’ be being myself, and I just put my hand on my heart and told myself how much I love me, how strong and beautiful I am. And I meant it. I looked into my own eyes, and was just amazed and the light and beauty I was seeing. I am sooooo very pleased with myself. I feel strong. I feel centered. I feel worthy.

    I know it’s not like I will never get pulled off-center ever again. It can always happen. I just feel like I am coming more solidly into my real center of who I really am. And part of that meant realizing what had really happened that weekend. If I had only had sex with him, and then he dropped me, that would be one thing. But this is a whole other level. This is like a quasi-Stockholm syndrome thing, where you get ultra attached to your attacker. And yeah, I think that happened to me. And THAT is why it was so much more upsetting when he dropped the whole thing and walked away.

    Well, now I am very clear. He had better KEEP walking, if he wants to keep his nutsac in tact. If he ever shows up for me again it will not be. Hahaha. I mean, if he knows what’s good.

    He doesn’t deserve any better than that. He is nothing more than a sexual predator, who hates himself, and hates women by extension. I neither need nor want that in my life. And I am super, super glad that he left me.

    I thank him for that.

    And I now I am done.

    He is nothing



  3.  #3Tee on May 16, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    #1. LoveToMe, I adore what you wrote. It gave me some thoughts as well. I haven’t worked in about 6 years. The reasons are varied. Everything from laziness to bad economy. My son will be 3 in August. I’ve been home his entire life and I’ve never felt so FULL inside 🙂

    I’m seeing that I’m an emotional person & almost everything that I need, everything that I do or say comes from that place. I’m slowly making peace with that.

    If a job didn’t resonate with me on an emotional level, I’d quit….couldn’t stay there because it didn’t feel right somehow.

    I always felt “bad” about this because we all need jobs & money, right?
    Doesn’t this make me a bum?
    When I did have jobs that I connected with, I’d stay as long as things held up.

    I remember I stayed at one job 17 hours straight through a blizzard because no one could get in & I was part of the overnight shift. I adored that job.

    In any event, I’ve been trying to merge this part (s) of myself. I’m starting a new job soon for the first time in a long time. It does have (at a later date I’m guessing) the option for me to work at home so I’m excited.

    There shouldn’t have to be a choice.
    I love the family that I’ve created & I need to be at my best, my most FULL for them….and me. We can have it all ♡



  4.  #4Kate on May 16, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    Love the message here. The photo, however, reminds me of all (many!) business how-to books I read in the 1980’s which, basically, taught women how to be more like men at work so that we could get ahead.

    I remember once (25 years ago) wondering why we weren’t teaching men how to be more like women so that they could be more effective at work. Never voiced this to anyone because . . . bizarre! This was 25 years ago.

    I hate the men’s tie in the photo because we were taught, back then, to mimic the male dress-code, with button-up shirts and floppy, silk bow ties around our necks. Sort of like pretend-men.

    God help me, I did it too.



  5.  #5Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 4:42 am

    Tee #3
    Ahhhh… you sound so grounded… so happy with YOU… You are loving everything about you!! Soo very empowered!!
    I feel warm and cozy reading your post!

    I agree… I wanted to stay home with my children as long as I could… Isaiha is only 2.5 yr. of course you would want to be with him… little boys are soooo fun to raise!!! (so are girls– but boys were scarce in my family so I felt sooo intrigued learning about boys!!)

    Thank you for sharing your work history… it mirrors mine in some ways…
    One of my dreams, since I was 18, was to get a degree in something that I would be happy doing for the rest of my life!! After trying several different avenues – waitressing, Horticulture, Social Work- I got a degree in Fine Arts/Graphic Design… I have been a Designer for 35 years and enjoyed EVERY Minute!!! Still LOVE it!!

    You sound like you are growing and blossoming more everyday!!
    Brava!!!



  6.  #6Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 4:53 am

    Kate #4
    interesting that you “wondering why we weren’t teaching men
    how to be more like women
    so that they could be more effective at work.”
    What an excellent idea…
    taking the best of feminine and masculine energy!!

    I believe the feminine has greatly enhanced and changed the work space…
    of course change takes many decades… obviously it took 50 yrs after the abolishing of slavery until the women won the right to vote!!!

    After studying and practicing Rori’s Tools I can see the masculinization of women has played havoc with our family life and love lives…
    and thank G*d Rori has brought back the LOVE of all things Feminine – and how to use our masculine energy.
    So both men and Women can feel EMPOWERED to Love!!!



  7.  #7Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 5:23 am

    Liquid Light…
    from last thread…
    ohhh how very cool… an art opening with YOUR work in it!!!
    it sounds like you are getting much exposure and fame with your art!
    That must feel Wonderful… You planned this change in your life and you have worked at having it happen.
    has it been 2 yrs. since you started making this a priority? After honoring YOU – your vision and dream….Pretty quickly you created a NEW life for YOU…
    BRAVA!!!



  8.  #8Starla on May 17, 2016 at 6:56 am

    Hi ladies,
    I bought Rori’s Business Sirens book but haven’t read it yet. I have a poolside vacation coming up TOMORROW, WOOHOO! So I will try to read some of it then. How fun!!

    I just wanted to vent a little. I am feeling sooo anxious for no good reason. Well, actually, I can see why I am feeling anxious. First, my period is coming, so hormones. Next, I am going to get on a plane tomorrow and flying is my number 1 fear. Also, I am walking away from my work desk for 3 days and leaving someone else to tend to my many clients. And I have a lot to do today both at work and home to get ready to leave for the airport for the first flight of the day. Lastly, my boyfriend and I engaged in (consentual!) rough physical intimacy last night and we hadn’t done that in many months, and it sort of transported me back to my anxious mindstate that I had when we used to be a lot rougher all the time. We didn’t really talk about toning it down in bed to be more “vanilla,” but it sort of just happened when we really started healing our relationship and patterns and establishing deeper trust. We have a lot of fun being rough, but I think back then I was using it as a bandaid for the intense anxiety and discomfort I used to feel, and that “anxiety” association is still there for me. So I sort of reverse engineered my way into feeling anxious by doing something I used to do to make myself feel less anxious, haha.

    I have come really far in coping with my anxiety. I used to ask my boyfriend all of the time if everything was okay and if he was mad at me for something, and I barely ever do that anymore. But this morning I was asking him if he loves me and silly things like that.

    I will be okay, though. Just breathe and sink in and I’ll be okay 🙂



  9.  #9Tee on May 17, 2016 at 9:43 am

    #5 (((Azure Blue)) yes, I am growing & learning myself as a person & making peace with it. For so long, I wanted to be a particular way. Not to fit in but I wanted to get it right. Whatever IT was lol. I wanted to be cold, callous, driven, masculine, etc. Think Gordon Gekko in “Wall Street” lol well that’s not me.

    I might be able to pull that off for a bit but eventually my “girl side” wins out.
    I enjoy being there for people, I enjoy being part of a loving community, loving vibes. It explains why I like it here & enjoy Rori’s method & the coaches as well.

    I want that feeling everywhere that I am. It also explains why I love being home with my guys. So much male energy wrapped up in random moments of tenderness. I never know what to expect lol

    I don’t know if I have a dream job. I wanted to be a VA for a Rori Raye coach but that hasn’t panned out yet.
    Interestingly I’ll be working for the Red Cross so I’ll get to help people but the cool thing is that I feel like I bonded with the Hiring Supervisor over the phone!

    We talked about having boys (rare in my family too), parking in Philadelphia and Law of Attraction. She even invited me to her “church” and I’ve never seen her face!

    I do feel like things are coming together….finally 🙂



  10.  #10Starla on May 17, 2016 at 10:24 am

    Tee,
    ” For so long, I wanted to be a particular way. Not to fit in but I wanted to get it right. Whatever IT was lol. I wanted to be cold, callous, driven, masculine, etc. Think Gordon Gekko in “Wall Street” lol well that’s not me. ”

    Me too! And I got really far with it…really far. I thought I was doing it right since that is what I’ve always assumed was the goal — to climb the ladder and be cold and productive. I found myself in a very prominent and high level position in the midst of the largest merger in my industry’s history, and I did. not. want. it. at. all. I stepped down. It was the best thing I did for my career, because it was the beginning of me backing away from that business world. Now I’m in school for the healing arts, and it resonates so much better with me. I’m tired but happy 🙂



  11.  #11Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 10:46 am

    Starla,
    I can relate to getting anxiety before a trip…
    I have found… loving my anxiety, hugging her and melting love all over me… helps to relieve some of that…

    Thank you for sharing about the stages your intimate life has gone through with your boyfriend…
    i have been dating Spirit for 2.5 yrs. and we used to have wild crazy s*x – make-up s*x was Amazing and inbetween was soooo Hot!

    Since we have become more EMOTIONALLY intimate our s*x has slowed way down… and we both mention we’re not sure why…

    It makes since that we were trying to get closer with s*x and now that we have gotten truly close… it has thrown our need for intimacy into another vibe…

    Sirens, Any suggestions on how to get this back?



  12.  #12Liquid Light on May 17, 2016 at 11:01 am

    I think my ex might be stalking me. I’m so upset and depressed. We broke up 3.5 years ago and I haven’t seen him since.

    I live in a new town 3 hours away. I think he found me and is harassing me. I’m not sure what to do, probably there’s nothing I can do.

    He’s married now. She is gorgeous, much younger, very smart and talented. I can’t imagine why she is with him. Imagining that the luster has worn off, she realizes she married a monster and wants out. And now he’s coming after me.

    Debating whether I should contact her? Warn her? Tell her to tell him to leave me alone. Ugh, I’m just so depressed right now…I just want this to stop.

    Sorry just needing to vent a little..



  13.  #13Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Liquid Light…
    Ohh…no… stalking by your ex!!!
    How is he harassing you?
    Calling… or driving by your house?
    I have been stalked and harassed by several of my ex’s…
    This always works…
    When they call or text the next time… I tell them in a very strong and firm voice…”The next time I receive a call or text or see you around my house… I will contact the police.”
    Not sure the police will do anything from something minor like this… BUT… most men are NOT interested in finding out!

    calling his wife!! :-))
    That might stop it also… but it also starts more drama which he may really like – UGGH!!
    and is NOT in your best interest!!

    Is he a dangerous man?



  14.  #14Grace on May 17, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Liquid Light – about calling his wife – it’s highly likely she wouldn’t believe it. It’s possible that she will, but be prepared for the more likely possibility that she won’t. I have never, ever ever never ever never known a wife or a gf to believe me when I’ve shared stuff like that. The man always makes the woman out to be like she’s crazy and denies everything, and the wife/gf is invested in keeping her reality and can’t reconcile this other side of him with who she believes/wants/needs him to be.

    How well do you know his family/social circle? The only thing that put a stop to my stalker was hiring a lawyer to send a letter to his family’s lawyer, along with a printout of the hundreds of pages of emails he had sent and a log of the sightings/phone calls at work.



  15.  #15Grace on May 17, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    Lanky just called again – my ringer was off so I only got the voicemail. I felt so sad hearing his voice, he sounds genuinely confused why I’m not responding and in his mind things aren’t resolved. He wants to be ‘friends’.

    We’ve already had this conversation – I can’t be friends with him, my feelings are too strong. FRIENDS are people you can invite to your house and introduce to your wife. In my mind, I’ve given him all of the information he needs.

    It feels SO hard for me to feel like I’m turning my back on someone who has been 90% super sweet to me. Sweeter and kinder than anyone I’ve ever dated, really. I believe he falls mostly into the ‘clueless’ category and so when I started crying after getting the message I sat and held my own heart and affirmed that I forgive my own self for being clueless, and affirmed my willingness to forgive others for seemingly turning their backs on me when I was acting from that cluelessness.

    I feel slightly giggly and sad at the same time now. I meditated on it and got a clear message that ‘this relationship is worth saving’. I felt baffled and asked, well what do I do? The answer – NOTHING. Just let him hurt and get on with my life. Don’t make any speeches or demand no contact, just let it be for now and get on my horse.

    Which means in this moment, getting in the shower and getting ready for work. 🙂



  16.  #16Grace on May 17, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    I feel skeptical that there is a ‘relationship’ worth ‘saving’ here, but I feel I can’t go wrong with doing nothing and keeping the focus on me. 🙂



  17.  #17Azure Blu on May 17, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    (((Grace)))
    Wow… difficult but YAY YOU for realizing…
    YOU have said it all before…
    He has heard you…

    You’ve only known this guy for a short time…
    Most all my BF were Wonderful, sweet, kind and amazing in the beginning!

    The last guy I dated that had just gotten out of a 20 year marriage… was SUPER GREAT!
    until a year into our dating and he realized he needed to be out in the world and meet more people and date more women!!
    dropped me on my ass! I was SOOO heart broken!

    Of course it made perfect since…
    I was ready for a relationship… He was NOT
    He did need to experience the world on his own.

    UGGH!! Get out while you can without much pain…

    I’m thinking you may not want to be the rebound girl…
    sorry if i sound too cynical! I know you have to follow your own heart…
    but I feel it is always good to hear someone’s experiences that has been there.
    Huggss!!



  18.  #18Liquid Light on May 17, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    Thanks Azure and Grace. Your words are always so wise and helpful!

    Here’s a little update. Hold on to your seat….

    When I did some research online, I found out that his wife is expecting in August! When we were together back in 2012, I went with him to get a vasectomy! So I guess he got it reversed. Just astonishing! He is getting close to 60 and already has two kids that are in college!

    Anyway, just makes me feel more creeped out by him. But weirdly, I don’t feel afraid anymore. I think he’s a big coward and picks on people that he feels he can victimize.

    This behavior is not out of line with the dynamic between us before. He was obsessed with sex and now that he probably can’t get it from his wife because she’s pregnant, he’s looking for another source. I had another guy whose wife was pregnant and expecting in September who also came on to me recently. Blah…just so f****** CREEPY!!!!!

    I know that I am safe in my home, its a secure apartment, and if I ever encounter him outside somewhere in public, I won’t let him bully or harass me.

    My coach suggested I install a surveillance camera outside my door but I don’t know anything about this…anyone have any ideas???

    On the plus side, I had another great date last night!



  19.  #19LoveToMe on May 17, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    Starla – I read what you wrote in #8, and I love your awareness of your own state. I, too, had some intense anxiety the last couple of days. It was random and not really connected with anything, so I know it was mostly if not all PMS hormones. Now that my period had started, I feel a million times better. Lol. It’s amazing what a difference that can make. That, and I just had a great day, and a great dance class.

    Mostly, though, I love afar you noticed about the sex – how you used to use rough sex as a way to cover up/mask/balance out your anxious feelings. Or maybe matching the anxious feeling by expressing it in a sexual context. And now it is different. Maybe now you don’t “need” it. And it may be an association, but also, maybe now that you don’t have that addiction, it could be that that activity just literally brought up a sense on anxiety by overstimulation. I know that could happen to me.

    And it’s interesting how you said you and your guy had “toned down” sex abs been more “vanilla.” People often say “vanilla” like it’s a bad thing, and very boring. Personally, I think vanilla (I mean the literal actual bean – if you’ve ever seen a real one) is quite exciting. Do you know how much time and work goes into curing a vanilla pod? I forget, but it’s a lot. Look it up on Wikipedia or something. Vanilla is extremely exotic and fancy. There is nothing boring about it. In fact, it’s an aphrodisiac.

    What’s my point? I’m not sure anymore. Lol. I guess, maybe there is nothing wrong with “rough” sex for you. But maybe your body is giving you signals about what it needs. And maybe “boring” or less rough sex allows you two to be together in a different way. Maybe tenderness, or – gasp – love could be a part of that.

    And if that’s vanilla, then darnit, that’s what I want….



  20.  #20LoveToMe on May 17, 2016 at 10:35 pm


  21.  #21LoveToMe on May 17, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    LL – that is *very* strange. I’m not sure I want to know everything, but depending on the actual stalking, you may be able to get a restraining order. Is he hanging around places you go? Does he call you? Does he walk up and talk to you? That is, is the harassment direct, or more like he just happens to be there, and you find it intimidating?

    One option you have is to confront him, and be bee direct yourself. If he hasn’t spoken to you, you go go up to him when you see him, and ask what he’s doing there. If he says he wants to see you, then you could just say, “well, I’m not interested.” Or “I don’t want to see you.” It’s best to leave NO room for misinterpretation. If he has already talked to you, then you could just say, “please leave me alone, or I will get a restraining order” – and mean it. (Even though they are hard to get, but don’t let that stop you.)

    give him a chance to speak, but stay strong. Sometimes guys just don’t know, and they are hopeful, even if badly misguided.

    There was one guy, “cd” who was clearly not relationship material for me. He expected me to go to his house, which was over an hour travel away for me on public transportation, and I would say, “why don’t you come to my city, since you have a car.” He never did. But he would always start conversations that got very sexual, and I was uncomfortable with him assuming that we were going to have sex. Every few months, he would do this. Always the same convo. Finally, one time, he wrote to me (after I moved out of state!!), “next time you’re here, let’s f*ck.” I said, “how about we don’t, because I don’t want to.” And that was the truth.

    Bam. Never heard from him again.

    Men also used to harass us a bunch when I lived in Italy. I figured out that the only way to get them to stop was to look them in the eye, and just give a really direct “no.” That sent them right off in the other direction.

    So again, I’m not sure what this guy is doing, but if it is truly unwelcome for you, then it sounds like a situation where he needs an unequivocal “no.” And if he doesn’t take it, then you could go to the authorities. But first, give him a chance to stop and go back to his wife…



  22.  #22LoveToMe on May 17, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    LL – sorry about all the typos :-/

    Hope you could figure out what I was trying to say…

    *very direct

    ** you could go up..

    Etc. …



  23.  #23LoveToMe on May 17, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    Now about me…

    Today, I am noticing the ebb and flow of my social life… I’ve reconnected with some people I haven’t talked to in a while. And I let one friend go, who I realized was dragging me down. I was holding on, because she is social and fun, and she has introduced me to a lot of cool people. But our own interactions have been on the rocks for some time. And I finally realized that, although I wasn’t usually involved, there is always some drama or crisis in her life that she needs help with. But at the same time, it looks to me as if things in her life are going amazingly well. She seems aware of this, yet always has some big thing to complain about.

    The stress of that, and of her not really being a friend to me when *I* needed help…that left me feeling imbalanced. And I realized it wasn’t the right place for me, and I needed to step back. I feel good about this choice. Again, I am trying less.

    Right now, one of my main focuses is on loving my choices, being happy with my choices. In the past, I’ve often second-guessed myself, but I also haven’t always made authentic choices. Now I feel less in a mode of trying to figure out some external “right answer” to guide my decision-making, and instead letting *myself* guide my decision-making. Ha! What a concept… Lol. I know, right?

    I like this focus, though. It takes the pressure off, and it means I am more happy with myself. I’m not spending so much (or any) time/energy groveling at people’s feet for scraps and crumbs of friendship/respect/attention. If it’s not filling me up and making me better or making my life better, I can move on. Friendships don’t have to be “forever.” Sometimes they can be short, just like dating. Sometimes they serve a temporary purpose, but they have a shelf life. That’s still ok. We are allowed to make those decisions and have those experiences. That’s Life.

    We are Human



  24.  #24Indigo on May 18, 2016 at 1:01 am

    Liquid Light,

    If you fear your ex may be stalking you, I would nip it in the bud as soon as possible.

    The couple of experiences I’ve had like this dragged on for months and months because I thought the man would just “get the hint” if I ignored him or told him I wasn’t interested. I now regret not having cut it off stone dead right in the beginning.



  25.  #25Indigo on May 18, 2016 at 1:32 am

    I need a safe place place to get some stuff out of my system. I’m not really looking for advice as such, just to vent.

    As you know, I am involved with a wonderful guy whom I have called J here on the blog. He really is – wonderful. Our relationship is just beyond wonderful, the best relationship by far I have ever had. He is gentle and kind and sensitive, he is loving and affectionate. He tells me he loves me on a daily basis and shows me his affection all the time – he holds my hand and cuddles me and craves affection actually, he has told me this. He seems to really dislike it if I am away from him – if we are out somewhere together he doesn’t like it if I am in another room or another part of the shop or anything. He also really likes it when we are together, even though we don’t live together, we see each other a couple of nights during the week and we spend the entirety of the weekend together. He invites me to do stuff often and never turns down spending time with me. I can tell he finds it difficult to let me go on a Sunday evening, or if I have to go and do something without him on the weekends. The feeling is mutual for me of course, we love spending time together. We can talk for hours upon hours and get lost in our own world.

    I love all of this, it’s so good for me after everything that I’ve been through. He tells me he’s not going anywhere and how much I mean to him and how much he cares about me. I trust him totally. My insecurities are running rampant however. They are having an absolute field day and I am battling to keep them quiet. He is 6 years younger than me – this is not a big deal being that I am 33 and he is 27. We are intellectually and emotionally very much on the same level. I’m not ever aware of the age difference until I think about it, but all the same my nasty voices love to scream at me about that.

    Secondly, and this is something I have a harder time “rationalising” or “justifying”, meaning I have a harder time even making logical sense of my insecurity or nasty voices around this – J is an extremely loving, loyal person. For people he loves and has loved, he would do anything. When he decides to love, it is unconditionally and he has that pure hearted, pure soul element about him which speaks so abundantly about the loving, generous way he sees the world. So… it makes me wonder, am I special? Would he be just as loving and wonderful to anyone else he has “decided” to love? Am I just the latest object of his affection? He has loved other girls before and written sonnets to them and had his heart broken over them… what is special about me? Now the flipside of the coin of that is that there are many people who are no longer in his life. They have badly hurt him or cheated on him, and his trust and loyalty once broken is broken for good. He has turned his back on many people who once meant a lot to him. I can see he is that type of person, and I have no intention of ever breaking his trust. Yet it still worries me. How do I know that his love for me is unique?

    He was with a girl for 6 years and they got engaged. He adored this girl to the ends of the earth, I can see that. In his own words he told me that when they met, they were “besotted with each other”. I am intuitive and I can see that clearly, energetically. It hurts me every time her name is mentioned or she is even alluded to, and he knows this, I have told him, so he does not do it, but it is not his fault, it is just the way things like this affect me. In any event, this girl hurt him extremely badly, cheated on him, and I can see intuitively that she was not mature enough or able to love him in the way he needed to be loved. But there it is, they were engaged and he loved her very much, they were “married” for all intents and purposes. It hurts me that this even happened, as strange as that sounds, I really battle with dealing with the negative residue from relationships like that in guys I become involved with… I’m extremely sensitive to it. Anyway, when they broke up, J was devastated and broken, clearly.



  26.  #26Indigo on May 18, 2016 at 2:15 am

    He was in a bad head space for quite a while, a few years. And this is exactly what I would expect. From experience I know that this is what happens to guys. I could feel it, he didn’t even have to tell me. For a while he said quite a few girls came and went. Not a lot, he said, but a few. Again, this is what I would expect, he’s an affectionate loving person who is looking for love, he is also very good looking, and he would not be alone for long. So quite a few girls came and went after the ex-fiancee, and he said they meant nothing, less than nothing. He was not in a position to love anyone and he went looking for love in all the wrong places. I gather it was a series of very pretty but somewhat slutty girls. In fact he told me that there was one girl, and she was at his place lying on his bed naked, and he just felt absolutely nothing. And he said to her I think you’d better pack up your things and go, I don’t love you. Now, I could never in a million years picture him saying such a thing to me. In fact, he was telling me this whole story not only to share parts of himself with me, but also to illustrate the point that with me he felt like he was falling in love again, able to love again. And the story made me feel really good at the time, and yet afterwards my insecurities started to play on it. Who were all these girls? Did he really not love any of them, or was it just something he was saying to me to make me feel better? I know this is not true, but these are the kinds of things my insecurities say to me. What did they look like? Were they young, prettier than me? The objects of men’s desires? Can I compete? Silly I know, I don’t even know where these thoughts are coming from, but there it is. He has not done a single thing to make me feel insecure, just been honest. But I’m at a little bit of a fragile state.

    Finally…. not to blow my own trumpet, but for the purposes of this post I am just going to be honest. I am quite good looking. I am pretty attractive, and I do know this. It has been a long time since I have felt any insecurity about the way I look. I am by no means the prettiest girl in the world, but I do not battle to get male attention. And yet, if you poke me in just the right way, I can feel insecure about certain things about the way I look. J tells me how beautiful he thinks I am all the time, but…. here is the but, and it’s going to sound strange. He is good looking in a different way from me. And I’ve tended to go for guys in the past whom I considered in my general same “zone” if that makes sense. I have sort of chocolate brown hair which I put a bit of red into, and I like that, and I have very fair skin, and I like that too. My eyes are a sort of gold/light brown colour. In general I have steered away from guys with blond hair and blue eyes and veered more towards guys with brown hair and brown eyes. It’s what I’ve been more attracted to. Probably, if I’m honest, what I am more comfortable around. There is biological evidence for this – that we are often more attracted to people who look like us. Anyway, I’m not usually attracted to guys with blonde hair and blue eyes. But J is very aryan looking. Naturally light blond hair and pale blue eyes. Very beautiful in its own way, in general what many people consider a standard of beauty, but it feels strange for me. I am very attracted to him, but the feeling is very different from what I’ve had before. And it leads me to a part of myself which feels insecure. J is very proud of his heritage – he loves his blond hair and blue eyes and his family lineage. In fact, our heritage is very similar. Both of us have Irish/English and Germanic heritage on each side of our families. But it worries me – and here please bear with me, as I’ve said, I just need a safe space to vent all my insecurities without being judged – what if our children do not have blue eyes? I am fairly certain they would have blond hair since I was blonde as a child. My dad’s has blue eyes and my dad’s whole side of the family has blue eyes, but my mom has brown eyes. J’s mom had brown eyes. And it’s luck of the draw. 50/50. J has said he feels his first child will be a daughter with blonde hair and blue eyes. He talks about these blue eyes so appreciatively. He mentioned a child, a daughter of a colleague of his, who has “beautiful blue eyes” and who melts his heart. What if I can’t give him that? If we have a child they may well have blue eyes, but they may well not. Does he even realise how insecure he makes me feel when he says that? Does he even see himself having children with me? I’ve asked him if he wants children and he said yes, he wants two, “but it depends on life.” The feeling I get from him is that he would like to have children, but he is willing to see where life takes him and make decisions as they come. I don’t think it would be the end of his world if he did not end up having them. I don’t know.

    I realise that I am way out of my comfort zone and that is why I am feeling insecure. I had a look at the Facebook profile of his ex-fiancee and she is very pretty. Lovely light blue eyes staring back out of the page. It made me feel insecure, I am not going to lie. He is pretty much over her, I’m not worried about, he said he would not even greet her if he saw her in the street. I know in time he will get past it completely, but it made me think… am I pretty enough for him to love just as much as her? (Damn you, Facebook!) What is going on here, why do I feel so much like a fish out of water, as if I am with this wonderful, adoring man whose world I do not understand sometimes.

    Sirens, I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I just needed to get that out. It’s all been weighing on me. J is absolutely baffled by the thought that I think he might leave me. He told me he is not going anywhere any time soon. So why all these crazy thoughts? It’s just silly insecurity. And the fact that things are getting really real with me and J now. He says he loves me all the time, we talk about going overseas together all the time, and on Sunday… he made a passing comment about us living together. He was talking about one of the tenants who has a cottage on the property that he stays on, and it’s a really gorgeous cottage. And she is thinking of moving next year. So J said to me, “If we are still here, that cottage will be ours.”

    I should love hearing things like that, and I do, but am I enough?! Am I worthy of such love and devotion?



  27.  #27Victoria on May 18, 2016 at 4:21 am

    Indigo,
    I have no advice, so don’t worry.
    I just want to say I understand and can relate to many of the things you said.
    F was movie-star good-looking (his face, his body was ok but not exceptional) and even though I saw what his ex looked like and she was not particularly gorgeous, I did feel like he could get any 20-year old model-look-alike if he wanted to. I actually have told this to him a few times, and he would laught it off and say I am such a flatterer and he has zero interest in anyone else but me. At the end of the day, I never was specifically jealous of any one particular woman, but had a general level of insecurity knowing that he is exceptionally physically attractive. With my current boyfriend I feel I am a bit out of his league physically, so, strangely enough, this makes me feel so good. He makes me feel secure in many many ways… so I am wondering may be part of the crazy attraction I felt for F. was somewhat related to the insecurity (I don’t know which one fed which).
    Also, with J. you are at the 2/3 month road mark, and, I don’t know if it is true or not, but the coaches say that around this time is the first relationship milestone which shows whether the relationship is meant to be.
    Indigo,
    You have zero reason to worry, you are a goddess, a rock-star, a magnet and a diva (what a creature!). I feel tempted to remind you of the magnet took, where you imagine men accumulatin to you from all sides like iron shavings to a magnet. Can the FB posing of some strange girls compete with that level of supernatural magnetism?



  28.  #28Azure Blu on May 18, 2016 at 5:15 am

    LoveToMe #19
    Wow Siren… Such wonderful wisdom you shared here!!

    It was very helpful for me to read
    as i am struggling with the changes in love making
    with Spirit and I since we’ve gotten so emotionally close…
    How beautifully you wrote about “vanilla”…
    “Vanilla is extremely exotic and fancy.
    There is nothing boring about it.
    In fact, it’s an aphrodisiac.”
    and this…
    “Personally, I think vanilla (I mean the literal actual bean) is quite exciting. …much time and work goes into curing a vanilla pod.”
    and this
    “less rough sex allows you two to be together in a different way.
    Maybe tenderness, or – gasp – love could be a part of that.”



  29.  #29Indigo on May 18, 2016 at 5:16 am

    Victoria,

    Thank you, if only for making me feel better in that I am not so alone in these insecurities. Yes we are at the 2/3 month mark and I am painfully aware of how real and solid everything is in reality, and feeling like I need to get all my fears and insecurities out of the way now.

    It is a similar thing with J. He has that movie star looking face – his body is ok but not great, he is carrying a couple of extra kilos and not very toned, but that doesn’t bother me, but even so I feel like he could get any 20 year old model type. If I mentioned this to him he would laugh it off as well and say he is not interested in anyone else but me, and in fact he has said these same words to me. In fact there is a girl we both know who is very pretty and generally can and does go around hooking up with a large number of guys. This girl comes onto him every time she sees him and he finds it annoying and she has never had any success. J has said that whilst she is beautiful he is not attracted to her whatsoever, and I believe him. Like you, there is no one woman I am jealous of, he would never make me feel that way. It’s just a vague insecurity… but then again, he was a big party-goer in his younger days and I’m sure he did have his share of beautiful young woman, and if that is what he still wanted that is what he would be doing. Yes? Although logical, this only makes me feel mostly better, not entirely.

    I know intellectually that I have zero reason to worry, and that I am magnetic and a goddess and a queen in my own way, but these insecurities just have to work their way out of my system on their own… blah. I’m in the grips of them at the moment.



  30.  #30Indigo on May 18, 2016 at 5:25 am

    I also feel how very different J’s adoration for me is from anything he could feel for some magazine cover 20 year old… and I know that is the basis of why our relationship is so solid, and that I should derive my security from that. That fear of being hurt and not measuring up is a tricky beast to slay though… I know I will in time. But I suppose I am looking for reassurance of a different kind. I don’t know.

    I suppose I am coming face to face with some of my own demons now. Can I really believe that I could be good enough just as I am for someone gorgeous and loving and in every way just what I have hardly dared to allow myself to hope for? I know there is lots good about me too, I really do… But as you said Victoria, there is something slightly more comforting in being with someone a little below you. Even though J is not “above” me he is still wonderful enough that I find myself feeling a little insecure…



  31.  #31Azure Blu on May 18, 2016 at 5:59 am

    Hey Bride to be, Kim,
    How are the wedding plans coming?
    Love to hear about your wedding Dress!



  32.  #32Kim on May 18, 2016 at 6:34 am

    Hey Azure – thank you so much for asking….how strange that I just checked into the blog and saw your message to me! That is so sweet, made my morning!
    Everything is coming together, thank you!

    I am surprised at how many emotions a wedding stirs up, mostly in the people around me, it is incredible. Some are super happy for us and just want to help. Others just ‘want to help’ by pressing their opinions on us and just making it more difficult. Emotions are running high, meanwhile my guy is totally relaxed and the first thing he said this morning was ‘one month!’
    I am nervously excited and yes, my dress is being altered right now, fitting at the end if the week!
    It’s all coming together really…time went too fast…

    I do check in from time to time on the blog even if I don’t write much anymore…sometimes I feel like weighing in but then it gets kind of addictive and I have so much to do right now lol.

    Just on the topic of insecurities..I found that with the right man, although they do tend to come up early on in the relationship, they tend to get less and maybe even disappear, and with the wrong man they grow or he disappears. It’s really that easy. I found some guys no matter how great they are and seem, just fuel my insecurities by subtle behaviour or the way their character is. Others make me feel safe and although there may be insecurities that are at the beginning of the relationship, they fade away by themselves. Also, having too many insecurities with a man is now a red flag for me because it has historically been a predictor that we were not very well matched. I think it was a combination of me being naturally sensitive and insecure, and the man kind of oblivious to that and acting insensitive by either paying attention to other women or having close female friends/fliriting etc. or telling me who he finds attractive..

    So, Indigo, I wouldn’t dwell on it and focus on it and trust with time it will either disappear or the relationship might not work out, either way you will be fine. At the end of the day, I don’t think you believe that this great guy you are dating would dump you because your kids might not have blue eyes…would he be so great then? Children are a product of love – not vanity. One should hope that they are healthy first and foremost…

    I remember one hilarious episode with MrP, now I cringe…what did I ever see in him? He once said if we had kids, they would be super attractive, because of him (yea, he was attractive in a rough kind of way)…and then laughed and said he was only joking. He was not really joking though…deep down he thought he was G*d’s gift…lol…men who think that way about themselves can’t love a woman fully, because it is always all about them. Now I know that, but then I put him on a pedestal. And my insecurities were always raging…always. By comparison now, I have pretty much none. And this from a person who gets easily jealous and so on..

    That is not where the man belongs, get them off the pedestal and climb up there.
    Now I have someone who adores me and not only says he loves me everyday but proves it by everything he does. Look: he has always dated blondes, I am dark haired and have dark eyes…and he asked me to marry him, not them – so whilst perhaps I could have had some kind of insecurity about it, I can assure you that is long buried…I would trust time with all that.



  33.  #33Kim on May 18, 2016 at 6:47 am

    How’s things with Spirit, Azure?



  34.  #34Victoria on May 18, 2016 at 7:40 am

    Indigo,
    It is very good that you are processing all your insecurities here, this is the right thing to do.
    They need to be talked about, listened to, loved, appreciated for being there to protect you, safely tucked and put to sleep.
    So, let’s love them one by one.
    The thing about the man wanting blue eyed kids… well, he is either not the most diplomatic person, or he lacks some basic biology knowledge to figure out that your chances of having blue eyed kids is 50%. If you were to inform him about it, I am sure he would gladly say “I am willing to take this chance”.
    By the way, I am thinking how to say this as matter-of-fact as possible, but honey, no matter the coca*ne rush both of you presently are getting from each others company, at the 2/3 month mark, you are nowhere near a meaningful discussion about children. The same goes for living together. You just do not know each other enough. It is just too early.
    At this stage, I think you can discount anything he says as “spur of the moment” – not something that he has seriously considered. And it is all very fine.
    Your other insecurity – about someone possibly being younger and better looking than you. I forgot to tell you in my previous post, but I meant to tell you, all my friends who date/married a younger guy, have insecurities about the age difference. Each and every one of them is beating herself about that, one of them who is very dear and close to me, especially because her mother is 6-7 years older than her father, and kept telling her never to put herself in that position. So, this is a very very common concern. The thing is, and I have witnessed this time and again, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And, from what you are describing about his behaviour, the man is crazy in love with you. He has all the symptoms – wanting to spend all his time with you, future talking, etc. When someone is already drunk (in-love) they can not get re-drunk by another beverage. The human brain manufactures the happyness hormones from you, only you, and just because of you. Can you imagine, being as in love with him as you are right now, that someone with a similarly attractive face but also a chiseled body and millions of cash in the bank starts to hit on you out, do you think it is physically possible to fall out of love with J. and fall in love with the new, better guy?
    So, it is not like you have nothing to worry about. You have valid, and common spread concerns. And, if you are anything like me, you just need to worry about something, if it is not one thing, it will be another. Once again, this is the right place to downloan all your insecurities, so that you can have a lighter time!



  35.  #35Femininewoman on May 18, 2016 at 7:43 am

    Indigo if you don’t mind I am going to chime in. There is a subtle suggestion in your posts, and maybe it is just me, but I get the sense that your mind has him on a pedestal. While I do believe it is good to work through our doubts I encourage you to put yourself on a pedestal. Movie star features don’t matter when you get to 60/70. The quality of the relationship is what really matters and how much you can rely on each other.

    Reading through your posts I find myself wanting to say bring the focus bank on you. Your brain might be talking about all this and you can also consciously choose to say I am the yummy pie and turn the windmill of your love toward you and pour it all over yourself.

    It only takes one real accident to make all the looks and perfection of today yesterday’s memory. The stories about the girls might have been shared too early. I believe it has shown you something about yourself.



  36.  #36LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Azure Blu –

    Indigo – does it matter if J’s love for you is “special” or “unique”? Or does it matter that he loves you?

    Yes, his “brand” of love may be consistent, because it’s coming from him. What’s different this time? Because you are in it with him. It’s what you add to the picture – because YOU are unique, you are different, and you are special. Even if something did ever “happen,” it wouldn’t change these facts.

    Wow, I didn’t mean to answer my own question, but I guess I just did.

    And my other question: do you like it? Do you like his love? Does it make you feel good? Do you like HIM?

    These are just to get you on the side of your own authenticity



  37.  #37LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Glad I am not the only one who writes long things sometimes. Whew! : )

    But it’s good. I know how good it feels to vent, and journal in a way that is both private and public at the same time. Private, but with witnesses. It’s really nice



  38.  #38LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Today, Facebook threw me s bit of a curve ball. In the “suggested friends” area that annoyingly pops up all the time, it showed me a waaayyyy old CD from years ago.

    I was on the blog then. He was the man who dubbed me “Tiffany” – not my real name. He called me that during the same conversation in which he was asking me die exclusivity. It was date three and we hadn’t slept together, and oh yeah, he was driving me in his car with a rum & coke in a plastic cup. (I did not approve, but there was no arguing. So I drank most of it so he couldn’t).

    This guy was super possessive. He once made us leave a club because I danced with another guy while he was taking a break. The other guy was married. I wasn’t into him.

    I had broken up with him because, one night, we were having sex, and something he was doing was hurting me. I told him to stop and he wouldn’t. He kept going till he was finished. I was crying and he threw a bottle of water on the bed for me. He also liked to do things on sex, generally, that I did not like to do. And I just really didn’t like his rough attitude and sense of “ownership.”

    But weirdly, I still kind of liked him, even after I broke up with him.

    Months later, I ran into him again, and we slept together. The next morning, I begged him to bring me to his cricket match. While he was playing, all his buddies were asking me weird questions and talking about what it’s like to be married to an Indian guy (he’s Indian – of course). It reminded me a LOT of how people used to talk to me when I was engaged. I didn’t mind, it just struck me as odd.

    And a couple of months after that, we saw each other again. He aggressively tried to get me to come home with him. I declined.

    The next I saw him was exactly one month later. But he said he couldn’t talk to me because of his “girlfriend.” Then his beefy bodyguard buddy stepped in and told me to stay away because he’s married now. He said I could hit on HIM, and I was like no way, I just want to know what was going on.

    Turns out, he’d gotten married two weeks earlier. This blonde white girl was now his wife. Meaning, he tried to sleep with me TWO WEEKS before the wedding. Not only that, he was probably engaged the last time I had a fling with him. That made me feel sick to my stomach.

    I made him admit it, then I threw a drink in his face, right in front of his “girlfriend”/wife.

    And that was the last I saw of him. Until…

    Effing Facebook. Lol. There he was. Looking so d*mn HAPPY. I mean, he actually looked good. You know how people look when they are just glowing. He had that. Not the mean, glowering, bored looks he has around me. And there she was, blonde and pert and smiling, wearing a bindi and leaning on his shoulder.

    And I’m thinking – how can I reconcile this? How can I see this guy, who looks so happy and friendly, and maybe he’s really a good, loyal husband, yet I know another side to him? I’ve seen him be absolutely cruel and insensitive, and not only that, I know for a fact that he cheated on her – with me. How can they look so happy? How can they have what I want – a commitment and a relationship – when I experience him as a terrible person? Yet I am the one who is still single. I am the one who is struggling every day, not to meet guys, but just to be in even one good relationship.

    Is it me? Do I somehow bring out the worst in men? Maybe they are great guys when they are not near me, but somehow, maybe I can turn even the best, nicest guy into the worst, most misigynistic rapist you can ever imagine. Then they go on and be a great husband to someone else.

    What is the reality of them? Are they actually good men, or are they not? What is the truth? And why is it that I only get to see and experience this really dark side? Why don’t I have someone loving me, protecting me, going all out to be loyal to ME?

    I don’t get it, and seeing his picture just brought it all up again.

    I don’t believe that I deserve the awful ways that men treat me. But I am dimly aware that I facilitate it, if not actively participate in making that happen. I argue with them, but sometimes I think about it, and it seems that was the only possible outcome. And I’m not sure if I am blaming myself, or starting from a place of believing that I’m just not worthy.

    But whatever it is, it sucks….



  39.  #39LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Oh, and one other thing about this guy – he always smelled TERRIBLE. He could wear cologne, and he did. But he had this really pungent body odor that was always there, no matter what. And I just hated it.

    I am very thankful that I did not end up with him. But…there is a part of me going “what if…?” What if I had agreed to exclusivity on the third date when he called me the wrong name? What if I decided that I liked how possessive he was? What if he really would have “taken care of me,” as he saw it his manly duty to do? Would I be married now? Would I have ha kids?

    And would I feel miserable every day, or would I feel loved…?

    These things I don’t know. I could have chosen to be what he needed. Instead I chose to stay independent. But it didn’t earn me anything good. Not from him, and not from anyone else, either



  40.  #40Azure Blu on May 18, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Indigo…
    How brave and courageous to share your gentle authentic, vulnerable heart with us….

    I agree with what other Sirens have said…
    When i have found myself worrying and feeling VERY insecure about Spirits LOVE FOR ME,
    how attractive he is to other women
    and how in H*LL can I keep such an amazing Man…???
    it is because I have put *HIM* on a pedestal and demoted myself in my heart and mind…
    When I realize this…
    I bring all my LOVE and thinking…
    all my focus back to *ME*
    and PUFF>>>>
    I’m back on the pedestal!!!

    I agree with Victoria… It’s only 2/3 months…
    Don’t forget what Dominique and Rori emphasize…
    At this early stage we need to stay Self focused…
    and continually watching and observing
    what HE is doing and saying and What his
    ACTIONS are… Not in a way to close our hearts
    but in a curious… self loving way…

    Is HE Right For **ME**!!!????

    Always be CDING the world… and keeping things light and fun!!!

    For me, when all this future talk gets soo intense…
    I become overwhelmed with too much emotional closeness TOO SOON>

    I know you lovely Siren, Indigo…
    You need your time alone,
    Your time to gather your thoughts
    Time for your bubble baths… your walks… pedicures… your books
    Your family…
    Don’t forget to Keep On YOUR HORSE
    as you slowly
    learn more about this man…

    We Sirens are the emotional leader in any relationship

    The man NEEDS us to PACE the amount of time
    we spend with each other in the beginning
    so we Don’t crash and burn
    from the sheer amount of closeness that is TOO INTENSE…
    Remember this is the fun Time! :-))
    You;ve got this lovely one!!!
    oxoxo



  41.  #41Azure Blu on May 18, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Kim!!!!
    Huggs!!! So good to hear from you!
    Ohhh… I’m glad things are moving along more smoothly with the wedding plans @#%&**!!!

    Is your dress white? is it long or short? I know you are going to be married on the beach right?
    Does the dress have bling… lace, ruffles?
    Are your shoes Flip flops? :-))
    Tell… Telll…

    I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling all the adoration from MoM…
    You sound so very relaxed, serene and sounding like a Diva Bride!!

    Spirit and I are doing really wonderfully!
    4 months of exclusivity…
    He stopped drinking YAYAYA (his drinking had escalated to the point… I wouldn’t have stayed if he couldn’t stop)

    I need to have the “what does moving in together look like to you” sharing.
    I tried once but I was quite tipsy and he said
    he’d rather talk about it when I was less so!! :-))
    I agreed! BUT that was several weeks ago and I havnt’ said anything/him either…

    I can see how we are working out who holds the remote… how he gets annoyed when we are watching “MY” shows…
    How he does like to cook together and he does do dishes!! :-))
    I have also seen that we CAN have a political discussion without blowing up…
    That he *does* bring me flowers often!!! :-))
    He’s teaching me to golf… he is an Excellent golfer and is VERY good teacher and patient.

    and after a brief time when I had put *HIM* on the pedestal…
    I quickly refocused and *I* am back up there!!
    :-))
    Thank you for asking!!



  42.  #42Dixie on May 18, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    Just three cents to add to this wonderful discussion:

    Indigo, I agree with the comments here and I’ve been in that space too! It is difficult for me to imagine D and his past loves because I see and feel how absolutely sweet and caring he is with me. But then, that is why I fell in love with him! So, if he was the same way with them, well, does it matter to me? Hmmm. Not really. For instance, I was in love with my ex-husband for many years but the feelings I have with D are far softer, far more vulnerable. I am the same person with the same heart, but the way I “do” relationships now is very different! I am sure if he knew the details of the life I shared with my ex, he might feel jealous or such, but the fact is that it does not matter since this is a completely different energy and this is a completely different relationship.

    To me, it’s similar to when people ask if I get bored teaching the same books, the same subjects, and the same grades. No!!! Not at all!!! Each class is SO different, that I end up telling them that they are my favourite and I really mean it!! Each time I teach a novel or play or poem, it is so exciting because different students bring different energies and dynamics to the discussion! So I am the same, the core standard works are the same but the energy is SO different that I can’t compare one to the other. To an outsider, it might LOOK like the same relationship dynamic over and over, but that is so far from the truth.

    That’s how I see it. 🙂



  43.  #43Dixie on May 18, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    Azure, Kim,

    Thank you for the timely reminder to climb back on the pedestal! Yes, yes, all the times my doubts run RAMPANT are when I have put the man on a pedestal.

    I hate to admit, because I am embarrassed to, but sometimes I have put D on a pedestal because of his “public” persona. And I wonder if I am good enough, cool enough, pretty enough…. He could easily attract many women and he does. The only tool that has worked for me is to completely lean back, yank my attention away from him, and focus exclusively on anything else! And then, when we talk or see each other, I see this really open and sweet and vulnerable side to him. That he gets nervous butterflies to see me (who knew?) reminds me how good it feels to be the feminine energy here.

    I know how hard it can be to make those insecurities stop chattering but I’m learning that most of the time, heck, all of the time, it points me back to something I have to heal inside me. So in that sense, my insecurities generally act as a compass for where I need to slather love and acceptance onto me.



  44.  #44LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 4:06 pm

    Oh, Dixie, that last paragraph in. #43 about your insecurities and the chattering as a compass to where you need healing…I love that. So spot on. Thank you <3



  45.  #45LoveToMe on May 18, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    Today I am noticing, too, how much I rely on others’ opinions of me for my feelings of self-worth. I’ve been doing this for so long, that’s it’s just become an ingrained part of me that feels like “the truth.” It’s the reason I freak out or get so bent out of shape when someone expresses any kind of negative feeling toward me, or if a man leaves me or something. I panic. It’s like I need them to think well of me in order to survive.

    These are old, old, old feelings, from childhood, congealed and solidified, which is why they feel so “true.” But really I’ve just trained myself that my own opinion, about anything – including myself – is not worthwhile in comparison to someone else’s opinion. I always weight the other person’s opinion much higher.

    Anyway, it’s not true, and I saw that clearly today. And it feels good to have that clarity. ( I’m getting lots of clarity lately.) it will be hard to train myself out of it, but I can do it.

    And I also witnessed a healthy version of this thing I feel. I saw a woman I admire totally own that she doesn’t like to be on someone’s “bad side.” I really don’t either. And that’s natural and normal for me. It’s not “wrong” to feel that way.

    Part of how my anxiety works is to question ALL of my responses, including the good ones.

    36, and I’m still learning…



  46.  #46Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 12:24 am

    Ladies,

    First, I want to say Thank You. Writing all my thoughts and feelings out yesterday was really therapeutic for me, they needed to get out, and I feel a lot better today. By last night I felt better than I had all week. And like Victoria said, I feel that writing them here, rather than confessing them to him, was the right thing to do. Thank you for witnessing me be vulnerable like this and holding the space.

    Azure Blu & Feminine Woman – I wouldn’t say I put him on a pedestal as such. I’m aware of the fact that we come to the relationship as more or less equal partners… it’s not that I’m wowed by him, I think it’s more the fact that these sorts of insecurities, ridiculous as they sound, would come up with whoever I was with. If the man was different, the insecurities would be slightly different. For example, I’ve once felt insecure because the guy I was with had a solid, loving family background, whilst I come from a broken home. This doesn’t really matter… it’s like the insecurity itself doesn’t really matter, it’s just a transition phase for me in a relationship of getting to a more solid, safe space within myself. I’m hardwired to question and doubt until I finally feel solid and safe. Make sense?

    These were genuine concerns I had about J and I that I just needed to work through, and that I KNOW deep down are inconsequential.

    Although Azure Blu, your point about me needing more space and alone time is well taken. It has all been feeling a little intense and overwhelming, and I’m sure taking a little more time for myself would be a good thing.

    Kim – Thank you very much for sharing your experience. J also tells me he loves me every day and makes me feel very wanted and secure. He certainly doesn’t make me feel insecure, and yes… he is with me and not those other girls, so clearly that is where he wants to be. In fact, gun to my head, I would say children are the furthest thing from his mind at the moment. We are happy and in love, and all of this is just me emotionally “clearing house” so to speak… trying to deal with any lingering insecurities now so they don’t come up later. It’s not a reflection of him or our relationship. Just last night he was asking when he was going to meet my parents (this weekend) and talking about our overseas plans again.

    Dixie and Love To Me – Thank you for reminding me and getting me to think about the fact that it really doesn’t matter if he’s loved other girls he’s been with “the same”. Of course he is who he is and that is why I love him, and I can take comfort in the fact that he only ever says things that he really means. So if he says he loves me, he does. And like you said Dixie… the way we “do” relationships evolves… As much as I adored my ex-husband I do relationships very differently now. My ex and I might have been wildly in love but my quality of relationships are different now – mellower and softer and wiser, and that makes them more special. My relationship with J is extremely happy and easygoing and secure, not tumultuous and wild, and I know that makes it more special to both of us.



  47.  #47Victoria on May 19, 2016 at 1:31 am

    Indigo,
    The topic about children is very important for a romantic relationship. Somehow, I was left with the impression that you did not want to have children, but I don’t want to be too nosy and ask whether you do, I also think that people change their mind all the time about everything, even men who had vasectomies sometimes get to the point to get a reverse operation, so, what you think in any point of time is not valid forever. I also think that there is a valid concern about your age difference, because the time for him to seriously think about children will come a bit later than for you. This is something important to discuss, but, in my humble opinion, not yet. At this stage, you need to consciously focus back on you (like the other sirens have said) and watch to see whether he can be a good partner, husband, father, and you need to collect data about him over a long period of time, 6 months to 1 year (in my opinion).
    Otherwise, of course you want to know TODAY if he is the one. We all feel like that, and we seek signs, and red flags, and important coincidences, serendipity and what not. Of course we want to know. And also, hindsight is 20/20, but foresight never is.
    Thank you so much for helping me on my own journey by sharing your worries in such wonderful and authentic way.



  48.  #48Victoria on May 19, 2016 at 1:41 am

    Indigo,
    By the way, I spent some time looking through the Work, by Byron Katie, very interesting philosophy.
    She said somewhere on her sight “I have the perfect relationship with my husband, but I have no idea what kind of a relationship he has with me”. It sounds strange taken out of context, but I find it to be quite inspiring to try to have the best relationship I can, from my side only, and not worrry about the other side. Very refreshing.



  49.  #49Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 3:38 am

    Victoria,

    Thank you also to you, for always bringing things into perspective for me in a way that makes them clearer, and also makes me laugh! You really crack me up sometimes.

    You are not wrong about me and children. I’ve never specifically wanted them, and I’ve never wanted them with anyone up until now, even my ex-husband who desperately wanted them, so I have always taken precautions. I always said that if left to my own devices I’d never have them, and I’d never have them with anyone but the absolutely right man. Meaning, if a man wanted them and I was in any way iffy about him, I’d break up with him. And as I say, I don’t really want them myself.

    However, there is a caveat to this… with the absolute right guy, someone I loved with all my heart, if it was something HE wanted, I would be prepared to have one maybe two children under these circumstances, as something beautiful that I’d share with him. And I’m sure I’d love them dearly and be a good mother.

    And I agree, I don’t want to be talking with J about this just yet. If I’m really honest and search my intuition on this subject, I think we are both in a kind of “whatever will be, will be” space about the issue. We want to be with each other, and that is enough for now. Also, my feeling on the subject is that he is perfectly capable of working out the maths of how many childbearing years I have left, so it is up to him to speed things up, or not. In my experience, men are very practical in this way.



  50.  #50Kim on May 19, 2016 at 5:15 am

    41 Azure Blu thank you for the update!
    Funny, the TV issue has been coming up for us too, as well as the ‘going to bed’ issue as we still only live in a studio and he is a nightowl and I am a morning owl (lol)….we have come to an agreement for both. So, if he wants to watch sports until late, say, I let him but he will watch it with earphones…I will try to sleep. If I want to watch a PBS show, he will often sit through it and even get into it. I do not watch much TV at all, so it’s not really a problem, but we definitely both had to make some adjustments and he has made the most…

    Maybe when you move together you could have a room for you, where you can go and enjoy shows and things you like, if he is adamant. I think a compromise can always be found…

    My guy sometimes gets grumpy if I want to go to bed early…but mostly he will come to bed and mumble a ‘I am not tired’ followed by a long sigh, I then remind him that he can stay up as long as he doesn’t make too much noise but he will say he’d rather snuggle lol. He just likes to moan and make sure I understand his sacrifice lol.
    Having said that, I do have a fear that once we move to a bigger place, he will stay up every night watching TV and we will never again go to bed together but hopefully this is unfounded. We shall see.

    Anyway…I feel flattered and happy that you want to know lots about my dress etc, so here it is: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_lace-sheath-wedding-dress-with-godet-inserts-vw9340_wedding-dresses-gowns-%24200-%2439999

    Very simple and good for a beach wedding, and I ordered it in petite, now I still had to have it altered a bit…I am very small, curvy but small….and yes, I have golden flip flops with rhinestones…not sure what to do with my hair yet, maybe half up and half down?
    Depends on the frizz factor amd wind on the day…lol.

    I am really excited. We just figured out the music for the procession and the ‘coming away’ from ceremony…
    The song for the procession already makes my cry so hopefully I won’t look too much of a mess when I get to the altar-thingy lol.

    That’s all…less than a month to go. Weeeeee!

    PS if I may weigh in on the topic of children. I never felt the urge. My guy said right at the beginning that he didn’t really want kids. I was a little put off by that, in case I would change my mind. A year ago we talked about it again when we talked about getting married, and he had changed his mind and said that he would be happy to have kids if it was something I wished for…and he would be 100% behind me and it would be a new experience etc. even though it is unlikely for us, it was very important to me…but it certainly was not something I was really seriously discussing before a big commitment was discussed at the same time, because people change their minds all the time. However, I wanted to be on the same page with someone I get married to! I can honestly say that if h had been dead against it, we would not get married now. Not because I want children, but accidents happen, and I could not be with a guy who would be upset if I got pregnant.



  51.  #51LoveToMe on May 19, 2016 at 5:19 am

    Ladies – I don’t always want or need feedback on stuff I lost here. But I am really curious if anyone has any particular reactions to my story in #38.

    I don’t know why this CD seems somehow significant to me, even though he was so clearly wrong for me in many ways. Why did his image pop back up into my view to make me think of him again? He was the last person I wanted to see.

    And do I really bring out the “worst” in guys – or am I somehow seeing what other people don’t see?

    I think this connects back to my “friend” I saw recently (2 months ago now). I went in with a VERY positive attitude about him. I thought, of all the men I’ve met since I’ve been CD-owing Rori style, HE was the most likely one to be able to be the man I needed. He was more or less consistent in contacting me (but not as a boyfriend, so not with an expectation of frequency). He said he wanted the kind of relationship that I did – marriage, and kids. In fact, when he first met me, I was holding a baby on my lap. He always mentioned that and loved seeing that – and how happy I was holding the baby. And he seemed likely to be my man, because he was just so NICE. (Like TOO nice.) I didn’t like him at first BECAUSE he was too nice. But eventually I started liking him, and he admitted he had been having feelings for me. So our relationship was all pretty great, and getting better and better – until sex entered the picture. Once the sex happened, it all went to crap. And from where I am sitting, I would say that it’s because, in bed, he was a different person. In bed, or an an intimate setting, he wasn’t “nice.” He wasn’t caring and considerate. He wasn’t concerned with my feelings. In bed, up close, he was a narcissist, fully and 100% only concerned with him.

    That “nice guy” persona must have been a lie. There are animals that mimic other baby animals just to catch their prey. The take advantage of the good nature of the animals, and then eat them. Which is why I think of him as a predator. He lured me in with all his “niceness.” And at a certain point, even when the mask was coming off, I still wanted to believe in it. I still wanted to believe in that guy. I think HE needs to believe that he really is that nice guy. But I can’t anymore. I only see him in this one bad, horrible way.

    But what if he really does have that capacity? What if he could go on and marry and be with someone else? (I believe he have to do a lot of work, but it’s possible.) I guess I don’t care about that right now. I guess I’m too busy beating myself up over WHY I got so drawn in and dickered in over him. WHY I let myself override my gut and get so close, when all I feel about that now is a lot of regret, and hard and anger toward him.

    And then this other guy’s face pops up, looking so happy. His wife, smiling, wearing a bindi.

    And then I have to come back and ask myself the question: do I want to be married? My answer has always been yes. A big, resounding yes. But if so, then why do I always avoid it? Why do I assume that people will only treat each other badly in marriage? Because I do. That’s WHY I avoid it.

    So funny. Most people are afraid of not having sex in marriage. I don’t worry about that. I just see marriage as a constant string of fights, yelling, criticism, and arguments. And I don’t want that. So even though I want to be “married” for all the good stuff, I reality, I avoid it like the plague :-/

    And I’d still like some feedback on this.

    Thanks..



  52.  #52LoveToMe on May 19, 2016 at 5:22 am

    Haha – suckered in, not dickered. Lol

    But he did dick me around. That’s for certain



  53.  #53LoveToMe on May 19, 2016 at 5:26 am

    And one thing I just thought of – I’m not sure if I know how to “not let people take advantage of me.” Because most of the time, not only am I letting them, I am enabling them, by participating, and basically by offering myself to be taken advantage of, more or less willingly, and then feeling upset about it afterward.

    I mean this in a number of contexts, not just romantic and not just sexual.

    I believe I have a “badass” side of me that definitely does not put up with BS. But I’m not always letting her express herself, and lots of times, I let things happen, because I just want love SOOOOOO much. And in this big, gaping whole of no-love in my heart, any little thing feels good. Until it doesn’t :-/

    I don’t know what that means yet, I just thought of it…



  54.  #54Starla on May 19, 2016 at 5:30 am

    Lovetome, thank you! I love what you wrote about vanilla. I really felt understood and comforted reading your comment.

    All, regarding insecurity and men’s good looks, i wanted to share what i go through… I have had two boyfriends that were very good looking. The first was emotionally fragile and useless, and I knew it, so I was able to enjoy his good looks without too much fear that he would jump to a prettier lilypad or realize I’m not in his league. The next guy is who I’m with now, and he is very handsome and everyone who meets him notices and tells me. I am a very part time dancer and had one girl who was in an amateur show with me straight up say in catty shock “wow, HE is with you?” On top of that, i gained so much happy weight since getting with him, I don’t even have the body that attracted him to me anymore. And this guy started going to the freaking gym so now he is getting so ripped, haha. Anyway, he thinks I’m incomparably wonderful and he compliments my looks several times a week. Yesterday he remarked WOW you are just so pretty, like he feels so lucky and surprised he landed me. I’m not very pretty. I’ve had people tell me I’m really not that pretty and I even met a lady off this blog who said she was surprised that I am rather unattractive. i do take decent pictures sometimes but overall, genetics could have been kinder to me and i grew up being bullied for it too.

    But, whatever. All that matters is what he thinks. Not what society thinks he should pursue looks wise. I am still trying to find my own balance between looking fantastic and gussied up all the time and being so busy i look really unkempt, and i go through phases, but i have no doubt he thinks im beautiful all the time. He even told me that yes he looooved my skinnier body, when i asked him. But it didn’t hurt at all to hear that because i know how into me he is. However, it took me over a year to get to this point. I will probably have insecurities come up as long as im with him especially now that aging is really starting to show on my face, and of course time is leaving him totally untouched…



  55.  #55Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 5:33 am

    Kim,

    What a beautiful dress!

    If it is any comfort, I have had this “going to bed times” issue with most guys I have dated. I prefer going to bed at about 10 pm on a weeknight, and maybe 11 or 12 on a weekend, at the latest. And I like waking up at around 7-8 am. D would generally only get going at about 11, and it was not unusual for him to stay up till 2 or 3 am. M on the other hand would start nodding off at about 8 pm and staying up till 9 was a huge imposition on him.

    J tends to be one of those guys who likes to stay up till about 12 on a weeknight, and 2 or 3 am on the weekends. He only needs 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and he has drugs to help him sleep, lol. This is too late for me, and he really, really likes it if I stay up with him, so I have tried to adjust my own patterns a little. Fortunately on the weekends we generally sleep in till about 9.30 – 11 am to make up the sleep, and I do have some weeknights away from him when I can go to bed when I want. But when we live together one day we will have to find some sort of compromise! I feel you though. Sleep and rest is important to me.



  56.  #56Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 5:40 am

    Starla 54,

    Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and authentically! I appreciate it so much. Your story really helped me, so thank you.

    In my case, J definitely thinks I am beautiful. There is not a single time that we see each other that he doesn’t tell me this. Like your boyfriend, he thinks I hung the moon. So, egh, whatever. I think the nervous feeling relates more to the feeling of strangeness of being in such a good relationship. It’s an unfamiliar feeling to me.



  57.  #57Femininewoman on May 19, 2016 at 6:29 am

    Kim – beautiful dress. I felt teary eyed looking at it and imaging you on your wedding day.



  58.  #58Kim on May 19, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Aw thank you Indigo and FW 🙂
    I never even imagined myself in a wedding dress…it’s all so strange and so nice though…I can’t wait now.
    My fiance is very excited, which feels so good also. He keeps telling me every morning how many days it is lol…

    Indigo, yes, I can’t imagine how anyone can function on 4 hours sleep…I would be a wreck.
    I always always wake up at 6, no matter what time I go to bed, so it’s not like I ever have a lie in…I just wake up at 6 feeling terrible if I go to bed later than 11, and honestly, I am a very active person, lots of outdoors and exercise…I am just tired then! Surprise, surprise, when he joins me with my exercise and outdoors stuff, he falls into bed exhausted at 10pm too! The sedentary lifestyle has a lot to answer for.

    My guy sees that and now begins to understand that I can’t sleep in (he can sleep anytime, anywhere, so before, he thought I could just catch up on sleep but now he knows).

    Starla. I feel frowny knowing what you look like….and NO! Maybe whoever said this on the blog was jealous or mean or whatever, sorry but you are totally attractive. Sooooorryyyyy….you also have amazing hair. Like, outrageously amazing hair.
    A big smile, great teeth (wish I had teeth like that!). Your body is nicely in proportion and you look fit. You are altogether very cute. And that is just the outside.
    So stop.
    Most men age better, true but eh.
    Who cares as long as they love us, we are the most beautiful girl in the world. 🙂



  59.  #59Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 8:25 am

    Kim, I absolutely LOVE your dress. It is gorgeous and you will look stunning in it!! Yes, perfect for beach wedding. Wow!



  60.  #60Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 8:44 am

    Ladies,

    Just riffing here a bit, bear with me if you wish…this ain’t gonna be roses and sunshine…

    Decided to have a wine and TV night last night. Just feeling so stressed with this possible stalker situation. I’ve been there before, 4 years ago, and its been bringing up all sorts of awful feelings of dread and fear from what I experienced before. However, this time I’m not afraid. I’m being cautious for sure but there’s no way he can gain entry into my apartment unless he breaks my door down. And he wouldn’t do that. But hopefully my fears are unfounded and he’s not stalking me. Time will tell…

    Anyway, I took advantage of a free month of Amazon Prime and decided to treat myself to a new drama. I love good, well done dramas that have great story lines and actors. I was addicted to Breaking Bad and haven’t found another good addictive show like that, yet. Any ideas?

    So I started with one show that looked good, Justified. I love the lead actor, very cute, and a very good actor. I’ve seen him before but can’t remember what show/movie. Anyway, I was getting into it until there was a scene with a love interest from his high school days. I was shocked, horrified, and absolutely disgusted by her character/story. She was an abused wife who had just shot her husband. The way they portrayed the abuse was as if it was all a joke, she was being flirty and joking with the lead guy as if nothing had happened. And the whole premise of them meeting was because he was investigating the shooting. It was absolutely horrifying to me see the lighthearted and dismissive way they portrayed this woman and domestic violence. This was the pilot for the show so they obviously thought this story line would appeal to their viewers and draw them in. Disgusting. I had to switch to another show.

    So then I watched the pilot for The Americans. Another smart, intriguing storyline I thought. But not far into the show, the lead female character, a fierce, beautiful woman, get brutally raped. I couldn’t believe it. I had to turn it off I was so appalled. Again, this storyline was in the pilot so the creators must have thought that it would appeal to a new audience and draw them in. 🙁

    No wonder there is so much misogyny in our society. No wonder there is Trump spewing hatred towards women. No wonder there are people like my ex who abuse and victimize women. And no wonder so many women hate themselves when these are the messages that surround us in our popular media everyday. We internalize it without even knowing it.

    Sorry but just bummed out about seeing those awful shows last night. I’m just so saddened and disgusted by what I saw.



  61.  #61Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 9:24 am

    Liquid Light,

    I don’t want to downplay your feelings, maybe just balance them?

    Remember that there are many kind men in the world who love and cherish women. Ask yourself where this fear is coming from, and who it serves for you to believe that. Just to give a different perspective: This very day my car broke down when I was on the way to the shops because I had run out of petrol – very embarrassing. One man stopped to help me push my car out of the road. Then another two men stopped and drove all the way into town to get a full container of petrol for me and brought it back and then performed various mechanical tricks to make sure my car started again, and they flatly refused to take any payment for the petrol. Not only that, but there was not a hint of flirtatiousness or anything improper in their behaviour, just kindness. I was blown away, and determined to pay it forward. The world is full of kind people!



  62.  #62Azure Blu on May 19, 2016 at 9:29 am

    ****KIM****
    Wow… Love your dress!! You will be sooo BEAUTIFUL!!
    the sash, the lace… the neckline! Ahhhh…
    and Gold flip flops!!! Perfection! :-))

    Starla!!
    I too am appalled at what a woman on this blog said to You, Starla… I haven’t seen a picture of you Starla… Kim says you are Beautiful!!

    I have found the more I fall in LOVE WITH ME… the prettier I actually do get!!! Most of my life I was rather homely… a red head with crooked teeth and loads of freckles…
    BUT I DIDN”T CARE!! :-))
    I loved my red hair (it turned blond/white when I was 50??)
    and since I have been following Rori’s Tools I have a whole new persona…
    when I’m in public I smile and walk with style, grace and an ease that only comes with loving ME!!
    and funny thing… even at 64… I get all kinds of wonderful positive attention!!

    Strut your Stuff Diva!!! You’re a knock out!



  63.  #63Azure Blu on May 19, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Indigo!! #16
    Wow!! What a GREAT story!!
    I too have found MANY, MANY more instances of VERY kind, generous, go the extra mile, people, throughout my life!!
    Thank you for the reminder!



  64.  #64Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 9:37 am

    Indigo,

    Thanks for sharing your story. That’s so awesome! I’m glad you had that great experience! Of course, I’m not trying to suggest that there aren’t wonderful, amazing, kind men out there. If you read my post, there is nothing in there to suggest that 😉

    Your experience does not mean that my experience and reaction to what I saw isn’t also valid. Please try not to dismiss other women’s point of view by such a simplistic comparison. Its dangerous.

    We need to acknowledge that these very demeaning and sexualized portrayals of women are out there and that they don’t serve us as women. The fact of the matter is that most of these shows are written by and created by men. As women we need to speak out when these portrayals about are so negative and disempowering. If we don’t, nothing will change.

    I’m thinking about writing my thoughts to the networks that are carrying these shows. Sheesh, so pathetic that this trash is still being spewed at us in 2016!



  65.  #65Azure Blu on May 19, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Liquid Light…
    I feel sad that you are feeling this fear darling Siren…

    Have you used Byron Katie’s Worksheet on your fear?

    I am wondering if you have made it clear to him
    you will take action if he doesn’t stop?

    I really don’t have any suggestions for a good series..
    I loved Downton Abbey… no doubt you’ve seen that…
    another good one was “…Hallifax” it had more to the name… but that was REALLY good also…
    those are both from the UK
    I liked one about a Sherif in small town in Alaska or somehwere – Walker-not sure if that was the name…
    sorry… this is all vague!!! :-))



  66.  #66Azure Blu on May 19, 2016 at 9:51 am

    Liquid Light…
    i do agree… I HATE the icky sexualization of women in in many of our mainstream films and TV shows!!
    it is appawling!!!
    But I also think women are being given some very strong and empowering rolls now.

    I also hate the demeaning and degrading way men are being portrayed in many of our situation comedies…
    So it’s being done to both gender’s I believe…



  67.  #67Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 10:00 am

    Azure,

    Thank you for your post and suggestions for shows! Yes, I did love Downtown Abbey! I will have to check out Halifax…

    Like I said, the good news is that I’m not feeling fearful anymore. I guess the fear has turned into anger. Anger at the way I was treated by my ex, anger about the thought that he feels that he can still terrorize me and harass me. If indeed it is him…I’m still not sure and I’m hoping that there are no more incidents. The way I see it, though, the anger is protection as I will be never let myself be treated like that again! 🙂

    Its interesting that you asked me if I did The Work on my fear. I kind of did without actually doing it consciously. I think now after getting so familiar with The Work and doing so many worksheets, I can sometimes challenge my negative thoughts without thinking about it. I was really afraid on Monday after the third incident happened. Then on Tuesday as the day went on, I had the epiphany (thought) that he can’t hurt me. And I started believing that thought instead of the fearful thought. And that is essentially the same thing as doing The Work since The Work is about challenging and changing our thoughts that don’t serve us! 🙂



  68.  #68Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 10:04 am

    Azure,

    Again, I would also caution about making such comparisons. The more we dismiss and minimize the violence and sexualization of women, and make these comparisons that simply aren’t true (really, there are many shows that degrade and sexual men??? I think not, my dear siren, and you do know how much I adore you right?), the more we aren’t able to recognize when these types of things are happening TO US. I know because this happened to me with my ex. Again, I think its a dangerous line to tread…



  69.  #69Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 10:08 am

    Azure,

    Yes, I agree that there are many shows that portray women in a more positive light. Like I said, I loved Breaking Bad – it was smart, compelling, original, great acting – and the women (though there weren’t that many in the show) were wicked smart, capable and complex, like the men.



  70.  #70Starla on May 19, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    Kim, thank you! I love your dress btw.

    I will say that you can’t see my flaws well in photos but I think I should stop myself from trying to convince someone I’m not pretty haha 🙂



  71.  #71Starla on May 19, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Ladies, the siren who said that about my appearance absolutely did not say that to hurt me. We used to have a different vibe on the blog and things were more “radically” honest. I can’t remember if she said it here or in a private conversation, but anyway I don’t hold it against her and I don’t want anyone here thinking she is a bad person even though I haven’t identified her. She is a good woman some I know I did my share of unintentionally antagonizing her too. Nothing but love for her okayyyy!

    I did have another friendship for many years with a coworker turned close friend that ended when I heard her calling me ugly behind my back and saying she was confused how I got so many dates. So yeah, I’m not conventionally attractive, but who cares. Obviously I offer a certain kind of feminine energy that is both fiery and soft and all my own, so it’s all good.



  72.  #72Indigo on May 19, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Starla,

    I am all for radical honesty! Yes, bring it on.

    On the note of beauty, one of the most beautiful women I have ever known was not a conventionally beautiful woman. There was a glow and an energy and a warmth about her that was absolutely contagious and magnetic and you couldn’t help smiling in her presence. She was the sort of person whose smile was the most radiant thing in the whole room. The glow just seemed to shine out of her skin and her hair and eyes and everything. She is obviously now with a man who worships the ground she walks on.



  73.  #73Kim on May 19, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    Eh Starla, IDK. Often there is jealousy, also with coworkers. I know a lot of women who would be glad to have your looks.
    I am also not traditionally beautiful, and I was a chubby and badly dressed teenager and had my fair share of bullying…luckily I grew up in a country where vanity was not really encouraged and a good education and brains way more important…but I was never with the cool crown, always geeks. Lol.
    Plus, a few years ago a guy said (also thinking i could not hear him), that I have a face like a ‘slapped arse’.
    Yes.
    Really.
    Thing is. I love my face and body now, it did take me 40 years to get there, well maybe 36. I still have insecurities…but I look at me and think I am me. And that’s beautiful because there is only one me. My pics are also heavily edited…lol.
    I have really crooked teeth, small boobs…but it’s me. Now I am just grateful if it all works and stays healthy for as long as possible. This is my focus..the other stuff is just fluff. And like FW says, when we are 70 years old, who cares.
    Maybe in a few years you will see yourself differently.
    No we are not models…for sure, but I think you are beautiful.
    So there.



  74.  #74Kim on May 19, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    And thank you Liquid Light and Starla..I did try some merangues, you know those traditional voluminous things…but it was awful lol. You’d have to find me with a search party…or something. Not me at all!



  75.  #75Kim on May 19, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Thank you Azure too



  76.  #76Dixie on May 19, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Just a little vote to share how much strength and inspiration I’m finding here.

    Maybe it’s something in the air, but I’ve been feeling so very restless about D, and all the negative voices are chattering away. In the past two months, he has stood steady in the face of the pregnancy scare, told me he wants to be withe me forever, etc, etc, but there is feeling of doubt in my heart and I don’t know why.

    I’m soooooo glad Indigo brought up the insecurity issue because it does resonate with me this week…

    He has been super affectionate yet…..his rubberbanding is stronger than ever. I’ve become much better in holding my space, and tackling any fearful anger before it comes out. And when the rubberband boings back, he is tender and sweet. And I have left my heart wide open, shared with him at times when sharing definitely put me out of my comfort zone, and it’s felt really good to be able to learn how to do that.

    Sirens, I don’t know what forever looks like for him, but I’m beginning to know what I want MY forever to feel like. Is this man all talk? Does he have a plan? Should I take three giant steps back?

    I’m seeing many patterns from past relationships but I can also see how this relationship is helping me heal in so many ways.

    I used to CD when we were not quite exclusive, and lately, I’ve noticed a hyper-focus on this relationship. I want very much to let it all go, be free as the wind, and just let time and circumstance lead the way. But D’s love and affection provide with a sense of surety despite this ambiguous neither here nor there.

    Sirens, I would love to wake up and fall asleep with my Forever Man, and to share a home with him, and build a life based on passion and sharing. Everything else in my little life feels like it’s going well – I’m happy, much more full of self-love and softness than I was even a year ago, and at work…. I am feeling valued and fulfilled!

    No, I am not CDing and I can’t remember how to! I am CDing with me, but maybe I should do that more?

    Part of me, maybe that scared part, wants to break the whole thing off because I am feeling so vulnerable and invested. But that is not what I truly want because I do feel loved by him!

    We are not supposed to give advice, but Sirens, I consider you dear sisters, so advice is welcome.
    Xx



  77.  #77Liquid Light on May 19, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    OK funny how the universe works. Just saw this article posted on Yahoo…very pertinent to what I was posting about today…ughh

    Chloe Sevigny is taking a stand against sexual harassment in Hollywood, opening up at Variety’s panel at the Cannes Film Festival on Wednesday. The 41-year-old actress, whose work in Hollywood has spanned decades, certainly has a bone to pick — revealing three major directors have “crossed the line,” acting inappropriately with her at auditions.

    “I’ve had the ‘what are you doing after this?’ conversation,” Sevigny divulged at the panel. “I’ve also had the ‘do you want to go shopping and try on some clothes and, like, I can buy you something in the dressing room’ [conversation],” she added.

    According to Sevigny, the remarks didn’t stop there. Despite her (admitted and voluntary) nude scenes and roles in sexually explicit films — such as Kids and The Brown Bunny — Sevigny recalled another director telling her, “‘You should show your body off more. You shouldn’t wait until you’re as old as this certain actress who had just been naked in a film, you should be naked on screen now.'”

    The star also revealed she lost out on several roles because of her refusal to yield to these directors’ advances, but wants to make sure young actresses have the same standards and strength. “If you’re young and impressionable and really want the part, it might be a tempting avenue, but I hope not,” Sevigny pleaded.

    Strength is an important part of the equation for Sevigny, who was reluctant to call these advances sexual harassment, instead sadly just describing them as “Hollywood.” “When women on set become a little emotional, or impassioned even, they’re labeled as hysterical or crazy and have a hard time getting hired again,” said Sevigny. “The double standard of the man being the wild, crazy, mad director is so embraced.”

    The Big Love star also calls out the industry for its failure to follow through on strong, solid roles for women, citing films like The Huntsman: Winter’s War and Star Wars: The Force Awakens as two examples of films with seemingly strong roles for women which didn’t get it quite right in the end.

    “It has those three great actresses and then the male lead [Chris Hemsworth], but I was just like, they should have had better material for those ladies. Now that movie probably, I don’t think is performing well, and then will they make another movie with three great powerful women after that?” Sevigny asked, before turning her attention to the lack of action figures and merchandise for Star Wars’ Rey, whose screen time outweighed that of her male counterparts.

    Sevigny’s statements on sexual harassment and inequality are not alone. The topic has been a huge source of conversation in the entertainment industry recently, as Kesha’s appearance at the upcoming Billboard Music Awards was rescinded by Dr. Luke’s record label, Kemosabe records, after her allegations of sexual abuse against the music producer, which he has continually denied. See more in the video below:



  78.  #78Emerson on May 19, 2016 at 8:46 pm

    Mmmm…wow wonderful article…thank you for sharing this.
    Really interesting!

    I’ve been managing my life day to day…feeling a bit lost at the moment as I’m in transition with my job….but really I’m not lost at all. I’m just re-inventing myself and refocusing my journey and goals….it feels good actually.

    I’ve had a little break.

    I feel thankful.

    When I get too stressed, it affects my memory. And I get headaches. Lately that’s been happening. I need the down time. I work in a demanding profession in the health industry. It gets to be too much sometimes.

    On another note,

    My youngCD asked me to go to his house for dinner, etc…and he lives far…almost two hours away. sounds fun but I declined. I said I don’t feel comfy driving that far. He understands but didn’t offer an alternative. And has been a little quiet with contact since.

    I’m not fretting.

    I’m holding my boundaries, unapologetically.

    I don’t want a fling…he doesn’t either but i don’t want to get into this thing where I’m traveling to his house…

    I felt that flicker of affection for him, and felt myself wanting so much to have that good feeling…it feels so good to “love” someone…to fall in love…and feel and give affection….I really miss it.

    I was tempted to go just to quench my thirst. But I declined.

    Meanwhile, another young guy has been contacting me, someone I used to work with. He’s very very sweet. But way too young. Nonetheless, I’m entertaining it for the moment. He’s nice and very attractive.

    We’ll see what happens.



  79.  #79Emerson on May 19, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    Sirens I’m leaning back… So hard to do right now.
    I’m feeling frustrated with young cd
    I do not have to feel frustrated
    I can let it go
    And feel peaceful



  80.  #80Millie on May 19, 2016 at 11:24 pm

    I don’t know what my femininity is.
    Supposedly being feminine is so powerful, I don’t feel it.
    I feel like I “should” and am surrendering to not doing anything and not saying anything. My life feels quiet. I am embracing solitude, trying not to judge myself for it, not judging a man for being himself either. Letting go of expectations, letting go of mostly everything. I feel called to something higher, a higher purpose that I can’t put my finger on. i feel sad. I feel lonely. Does a queen ever get lonely? Does she long for someone to touch her? Or does she fear her skin will turn to stone with lack of contact? I don’t know how to turn on my feminine attractiveness… I look good, I smile, I lean back, I am honest, speak my feelings… But I feel very withdrawn and passive. I don’t feel like I’m drawing anything in. I guess I have to disconnect myself from expecting results. A Rose is still a rose if no one notices and states it.



  81.  #81Victoria on May 20, 2016 at 12:49 am

    Millie,
    They say it is darkest right before the dawn. Just keep doing what you are doing and I am sure within days you will be back to tell us about something great and exciting that has happened to you.
    Also, if you are fine with you girl energy, your boy energy might be somewhat bored and needing activities. We are not only feminine, I personally think I am 50% masculine, 40% feminine and 10% undecided.



  82.  #82Victoria on May 20, 2016 at 1:09 am

    Dixie,
    I do not have meaningful advice, but would like to share some thoughts. Reading your story I remember of Labbit, she disappeared from the blog, but I remember she had long periods of silence from her man, and she sounded to be developing very good coping skills for that.
    What I know about myself, is that I would not be able to be devoted to a man who leaves me alone/un-romanced for extended periods of time. I know for myself that I need active male attention and that CDing female friends or myself does not quite cut it for me. What I would do, is that I would actively start CDing, and I have had cases when I was two-timing (even three-timing) boyfriends. If you are a very honest person (this is how you come across here at the blog) you may wish to tell D. (the so-called no-boyfriend speech). I personally never had the guts/high morals to do that, actually looking deeper for my own truth, I believe it is too humiliating for me to tell to a man “you have been neglecting me so I will start looking around”. I am a big girl, I am capable to arrange for my own entertainment, I do not need a man to baby-sit for me. The un-lucky guys who rubber-banded on me (there were two of them in my life) were eventually quite saddened to find out I was off to better pastures. Cést la vie.



  83.  #83Indigo on May 20, 2016 at 1:41 am

    Dixie,

    I also wanted to chime in on your post. I mostly agree with Victoria, although perhaps not in quite so many words.

    There was a time, as you all know on the blog, when I would wait around for a man who was rubberbanding – lean back, try to focus on me, fill my life up with work and friends and family and lovely activities. And there is nothing wrong with this. It is encouraged in fact. It is wonderful to do this, because it gives you a strong sense of self and of the other things in your life that are important to you and give you pleasure. And this is valuable in even the happiest of relationships. But… and what you are finding in the posts that you write, at least it is coming out to me, I just found it “too hard” to be in this kind of relationship. I don’t want my relationship to be hard, I want it to be easy. I don’t want to be left alone with my insecurities and doubts to “tough it out” on my own. Sure I did this for years, and it ended up being very good for me – I learnt very good coping mechanisms and I got my anxiety down to a very manageable level – but it’s still too hard for a relationship.

    Knowing what I know now, having J in my life, who literally never disappears on me. The most that will happen is that he will take a few hours to respond to a message, he never leaves me a whole day without contact, and he never takes “space” from me. So I am never left with this feeling that I am alone in the relationship, he is always there co-creating something with me, whether it is a conversation, or plans or whatever. And I wouldn’t trade this for anything.

    In my humble opinion, I don’t think you need to ask yourself “does he love me”, because clearly D loves you and you know this. My ex D loves me too, to this day, but you kind of need to separate yourself from that and ask what that means in practical terms. I think you need to ask yourself, “How available is this man for the relationship I want?” With the right man, you will not be left with this sinking feeling in your heart when you ask this question. It will be happy and easy. Truly.



  84.  #84Dixie on May 20, 2016 at 3:16 am

    Oh, Indigo and Victoria …. Thank you!

    I am going to sit with all these feelings and do some reflecting this weekend. Yes, I don’t know if I like having the “no-boyfriend” speech out loud, and yet I can’t CD just to “fill up time.” Hmmm. You know, there is one big gaping hole in my social life and that is that my cycling club and run club disbanded and I really, really miss that camaraderie with those men and women.

    Hmmm. And last night, how strange, he called immediately from work to say he missed me. I wonder if there’s a gentle way to let him know what feels good….as Azure did with Spirit.

    Thank you both SO much. My heart feels lighter now just after reading your responses! You have given me much to ponder! Xox



  85.  #85Victoria on May 20, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Dixie,
    I am sure Azure will answer herself and she will not mind sharing her secret sauce with us. What I saw was the following: after she let Spirit know how she wanted things to be, once it became clear that he does not share her vision, she was gone, back to heavy CDing, and she was actually advancing quite a lot her relationship with another guy (even spending Christmas with him!) when she started dating Spirit again. This is not for the faint at heart.
    I also noted that me, Indigo and Azure, around this time last year, were wondering what to do with our rubberbanding men (I know the stories were very different, but there was a common theme). And, all of us eventually broke up with the guys. Azure eventually re-connected with Spirit, Indigo dated a few new men, and I chose one of my old CDs whom I have known for a long time but somehow underestimated before. For me personally, my new relationship is much better because I feel safe and adored, my guy is in constant contact with me, always planning things, buying me flowers, taking me places, making sure I am happy. He is not flawless, but I feel such emotional confort, that my previous turmoils with the previous guy seems to be now like they were part of a bad dream.
    What I am trying to say, to use a terrible English expression is that, there are many ways to skin a cat. It is important to remember to focus on you and focus away from nudging the man in your preferred direction.



  86.  #86Indigo on May 20, 2016 at 6:54 am

    Victoria,

    Yes, to a tee!

    This: “For me personally, my new relationship is much better because I feel safe and adored, my guy is in constant contact with me, always planning things, buying me flowers, taking me places, making sure I am happy. He is not flawless, but I feel such emotional comfort, that my previous turmoils with the previous guy seems to be now like they were part of a bad dream.”

    This is exactly how I feel. The woman who went through all that angst seems like a million miles away. I look back on those other guys and cannot for the life of me see what I saw in them. They were not bad guys – on the contrary they had a lot going for them, but if they were not in sync with me that was pretty much meaningless.



  87.  #87Lilybelly on May 20, 2016 at 7:14 am

    Hi Sirens,

    He has packed a bag and is no longer going to sleep in our home. It is officially, just my home.

    And I am sadder than I have ever been. And literally do not know how to do this. I just don’t. I have to admit that I am crying my eyes out and suspect this will be the way the day will go. I want to not feel anything, I want to feel strong and sure but I am not.

    Love myself, yes.. I know that but my boy is searching big time for ways to help me feel better and move ahead, even if it is just one step.

    I’m at the bottom.



  88.  #88Femininewoman on May 20, 2016 at 8:38 am

    ((((((((((Lilybelly)))))))))))

    Maybe there is no need or reason to feel better. Maybe it is just time to sink into the sadness. You are worthy of living your dreams. I am sinking in with you my darling.



  89.  #89Lilybelly on May 20, 2016 at 10:43 am

    Thank you so much, FW.

    I feel such love for you.



  90.  #90T-Girl on May 20, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Lillybelly, I too remember feeling like that. I also remember my boy energy taking over but that energy took me to a counselor available through my workplace. Seeing her was so helpful an DC opened my eyes and helped me to feel not so scared or hopeless.



  91.  #91Liquid Light on May 20, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    Millie

    I see myself in you, my younger self.

    Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when I was in my 20s and 30s and grab me my the shoulder and shake myself.

    I’d tell myself: you are young, you are gorgeous, you are talented, you are smart – go out and enjoy your life, enjoy every day, enjoy every second, treat it as one big adventure and get the most out of every experience, every person that you meet, for they are ALL gems.

    I’d tell myself: stop worrying all time, stop beating yourself up, stop putting yourself down and start appreciating everything and start radiating all your beauty out into the world. The world is thirsty for YOUR talent and beauty!!!

    Anyway, THAT is what I would have told myself. I wish someone would have taken me by the shoulders and told me these things.

    I’m you 20 years from now telling you these things!!! 🙂



  92.  #92Azure Blu on May 20, 2016 at 12:03 pm

    Victoria #85
    EXACTLY!!! you have an amazing memory darling!! oxoxo
    and YES it is NOT for the faint of heart!!

    AND ME standing up for *ME* (asking for what I wanted.)
    like i had NEVER done before… was LIFE CHANGING…

    I became a WHOLE person…
    That is what Spirit was looking for (and all men)…

    ME being a WHOLE person… NOT the wimpy, needy “I’ll put up with whatever” and NOT angry and NOT unkind…

    it hurt like HELL… Ahhh. but what comes after…
    Soaring self LOVE… is PRICELESS!!!

    The formula, Rori so lovingly shares here, with all her amazing tools…
    WORKS!!!
    we all agree it sure feels soooo much better
    to have a consistent, adoring, man
    loving us
    and NO Rubber banding…

    You’ve got this Dixie… putting YOURSELF First is NOT selfish
    IT IS NECESSARY – so our Mr. Right has a whole person to love!!!

    when YOU ARE READY
    it will happen!
    We are here for you darling, Siren!!
    hugggss!!



  93.  #93Azure Blu on May 20, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    ((Lillybell)) #87
    Ahhh… you are so brave and courageous
    and your innocent heart deserves ONLY the BEST!!
    I can see you are turning a corner in your life, on your horse… and there is a bright shinning light rising
    just for YOU!!
    Hang in there sweet, sweet darling!
    oxoxo



  94.  #94Azure Blu on May 20, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    Liquid Light #77
    Thank you for sharing that article from Yahoo!
    How important to let young people know (this happens to young men also)
    They CAN say NO!!! There are usually consequences!
    but there are other jobs and better bosses and coworkers

    It STILL goes on in all jobs no matter what age… even in my 60’s
    I lost a job 3 years ago, because my boss (married) acted like I was being “heartless and mean” because I wouldn’t go out with him… let him flirt with me… etc. etc!

    This woman was brave and a wonderful spokeswoman for sharing this and making it public… One More Time!!
    Remember the brave young woman who blew the whistle on justice clarence thomas?
    Brave, Brave woman…
    and what she went through…



  95.  #95LoveToMe on May 20, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Victoria – “hindsight is 20/20 but foresight never is.”

    Haha, so true…



  96.  #96LoveToMe on May 20, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    Starla – 54

    Thank you, although I’m not sure how any of that relates to my situation?

    When I said that he “looked good,” I didn’t just mean that he was attractive. I always found him attractive, but I’ve been out with better-looking guys than him. He did lose some weight. But moreover, I was talking about how he was flowing with happiness. I mean that he looked like a really good version of *himself* – not making a comparison of him to anyone else.

    What you stated about your own looks is a testament I think to the fact that looks alone do not make a great relationship. If that were true, then I would be so married right now. But I’m not.

    I think that I am average-pretty. I might even think of myself as beautiful, but I feel as if there are many women more beautiful than me. Not that it matters. However, ive had very attractive men call me “gorgeous.” Ive been compared – by a very wealthy, successful, and attractive man, I might add – to Drew Barrymore (I don’t see the comparison, but I’ll take the compliment). And I had one boyfriend just flat out deny that there were prettier women than me.

    So what’s my point? I guess our own assessment of our beauty is insufficient. “Beauty is on the inside,” or “in the eye of the beholder.” Cliche, but there is a reason these phrases exist.

    It’s nice, though. I liked your description of how he sees you.

    In a weird way, at least then you know he really likes you. Kind if like rich men who aren’t ever sure of women love them or love their money, I guess if I am really that attractive, then I can’t be sure, many times, if a man really loves me or if he’s just super turned on by my looks. I’ll have to figure out some way to control for that, because I think it happens so much that I think the man really likes me, but really he just likes my booty.

    But I have a little bit of “ugly duckling” syndrome. I might look in the mirror and think I’m pretty, but in my mind, I am horribly unattractive. I am always surprised that men like how I look. Their attraction seems unlikely. But maybe that’s the part I should really get used to…instead of thinking every man who’s attracted to me has really seen me for being a good person or something…



  97.  #97LoveToMe on May 20, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    ((((Lillybelly))))

    Sometimes the “low point” is a good place to be. I don’t know how to explain that. Except that’s when you’ve to FEEL really deeply and intensely. And from there, you can move forward with more of the “real you” and fewer delusions. If that even makes sense.

    Basically, I support you in whatever you are feeling…



  98.  #98LoveToMe on May 20, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    *you get to…



  99.  #99Emerson on May 20, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    (((Lillybelly))))
    I’m sorry



  100.  #100Dixie on May 21, 2016 at 5:36 am

    ((((Lillybelly)))))

    I remember feeling ALL what you described. Be gentle with yourself. It feels SO scary and despondent, I know, but this is how your heart and soul rebuild. You are a beautiful woman, and I can see that here through your words, and you are strong. If I could say one thing to myself all those years back is that every healing step….the crying, sitting and just embracing those scary feelings….. are steps that made me whole again.



  101.  #101Dixie on May 21, 2016 at 5:46 am

    Azure, Victoria, Indigo,

    darling sirens, thank you so much for your words! Yes, I did take a big step this morning, and I will keep you updated.

    He is a darling man who makes me feel safe and loved and protected, but oh, how I would love to feel the surety of a man’s affection and intention!

    Victoria, I loved your second comment to me – I do not want to nudge him in my direction (although I have to be viligabt about my subconscious motivations!) but I just need to stay on my path, hence my uncomfortable feeling about the No Boyfriend speech. We are intimate, obviously, so I don’t want to stomp on his heart, but I do want to make sure that I advocate for my heart!

    But dear ones, thank you for letting my heart feel full of self-love!



  102.  #102Lilybelly on May 21, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Just random thoughts coming up..feel free to comment or tell me I’m full of it…

    Thank you for your support thus far. I really feel the need to connect with you all but also don’t want to feel like I am droning on and on about my life.

    This has occurred to me more than one time but have to put it out there just to get it out.

    I wonder if I stayed in this sham longer than I normally would have because I fear being alone, the fact that I am 52 and often think, who is going to want me now. Twice divorced and I’m old.

    Real feelings, real thoughts, real fears.

    I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I have a great career, a lovely home and am genuinely, a warm, compassionate, fun and happy person. I want to share that with someone and would love to have someone to “do things with” now, without the scary dating thing tied to it.

    How do I find someone to do things with. I already miss my motorcycle rides. Craigslist? This is advice I would like to hear from you all.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on May 21, 2016 at 7:53 am

    Lillybell #102
    Ahhh brave vulnerable heart…

    I’m 64 (twice divorced) and I have gone through those very thoughts off and on since I was 50…
    Sometimes they almost consumed me…
    I believe it is an adjustment as we begin to look different…
    more mature… Still VERY beautiful… but not the youthful us!

    I found doing just what you are doing here…
    expressing how frightened I am of my age…
    How I may end up alone
    Who would want this “older” version of me
    Being this vulnerable…
    and then hugging my fears…
    giving ME much compassion… and understanding!
    also looking in the mirror
    and finding 2 things that I really love about *ME*
    my blue eyes
    my thick blond hair
    and telling myself how beautiful those things are

    of course in MY world… 52 is really young!! :-))
    I want to tell all the Sirens…
    the last 12 years have been some of the MOST scary, most fun, most life changing that I have ever expirianced…
    Hold on… the BEST IS YET TO COME!!!
    oxoxo



  104.  #104Indigo on May 21, 2016 at 8:05 am

    Dixie 101,

    I don’t want to drive the point home, but if this is how you feel:
    “I would love to feel the surety of a man’s affection and intention!”

    then I would encourage you to point your heart and your life in this direction. There are other, also darling men who will never make you question or doubt. I know this from personal experience. I never thought it would be possible for me to love someone as much as I loved D, but he always had this ability to make me feel so off-balance and uncertain and hurt. He would say “I don’t know” and rubberband and pull away, and I’d always be left with this feeling that “there must be something I can do.”

    Whereas, with a better man, there is none of that. You just get to enjoy the relationship and enjoy feeling their love and affection coming towards you. They make plans rather than saying I don’t know, and slowly your doubts and insecurity melt away. I wish this for everyone. Never, never again in a million years would I go back to a man who goes back and forth on me.



  105.  #105Starla on May 21, 2016 at 8:08 am

    Lovetome, Im not surprised it didnt relate to your situation. it wasn’t for you.



  106.  #106Dixie on May 21, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Indigo…. Thank you!

    I don’t what is in the water today but I feel so happy and …..just happy :).

    I am feeling very Self-loving today….had a beautiful run outdoors (finally spring has made its way to Toronto!) and felt filled to the brim with appreciation.

    Indigo, you are absolutely right….. Yes he is darling, yes, he is loving and affectionate, but oh, my heart must point it’s little feet towards something that leads to my long term dreams now 🙂

    It is hard to imagine that when I divorced I thought I would never feel so loved again, but D.s love has already been a huge healing blessing in my life. So I’m filled with appreciation for just that as well…..everything seems to be a journey leading to my hearts fulfillment.

    Thank you for all the clarification! I have learned so much from your relationship with your D, and the bravery you showed!



  107.  #107Kim on May 21, 2016 at 8:50 am

    Lilybelly…have you tried meetup groups?
    When I first appeared in this strange city, I knew one lady. That was it. I found meet-up groups helpful and they pretty much have groups for everyone and everything here.
    I did not find them much suited to ‘dating’ as there were mainly women lol…but they have helped me pursue my interests, make some friends, and get out there. I have been able to go boating (which I love), snorkeling, on beach picnics…happy hours….and the best of it was – everybody feels the same. It is kind of awkward getting out there, many feel shy about it and you can see it – but there are always those who start talking and before you know it, you have made some acquaintances that love the same stuff you love.
    I am sure of it.
    As for the ‘who wants me now, I am old’ feelings…I have a lot of friends that are around your age and older, and some recently got married (having said the same thing for years ‘who wants me NOW’), others have found true fulfilment in their careers and ever growing friend circle after having been widowed for example. Got pets. Got busy.
    There are all kinds of ways to get happy, and in time I am so sure you will find it easier and find yourself, and you will thank your lucky stars to be out of the toxic mess even if it means going it alone for a while.
    I am sure of it.
    I am also sure that you won’t stay alone….all in good time!!
    xoxo



  108.  #108Azure Blu on May 21, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Kim #107
    Really love what you said here!
    I agree wholeheartedly!
    :-))



  109.  #109Grace on May 21, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Azure yes please, tell me how great it’s going to be from here on out! 😀 I’m 45 and just now starting to feel vulnerable about my age. I don’t feel too worried about ending up alone, what I do wonder about is my career/retirement trajectory from here.



  110.  #110Liquid Light on May 21, 2016 at 4:18 pm

    Just got a pixie cut this week and love it! I’m learning how to style it. Youtube is so awesome!

    My Love Coach inspired me. She said I looked like a grandma in some of my photos. Ouch. Hard to hear but she inspired me to get a new ‘do! I’m having a ton of fun with it!

    Also have been watching a lot of makeup tutorials on youtube. I just bought a bunch of makeup – a lot of it is drug store stuff and super cheap. I learned how to do my eye brows, use wet eyeliner (love that stuff) and do a nude lipstick look.

    I’m feeling cute!



  111.  #111Lilybelly on May 21, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    LL, I have a pixie cut too!! It’s always been so fun and sassy.



  112.  #112LoveToMe on May 21, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    Starla…oh I see now. NP.

    I saw where you wrote my name at the top of the note. The “all” didn’t register till you pointed it out. But you’d already mentioned the bit about vanilla. So I thought you were going to elaborate on something else.

    But it doesn’t matter. I still thought what you wrote was interesting.



  113.  #113LoveToMe on May 21, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    Liquid Light #110 – that’s awesome! Go you! 🙂



  114.  #114LoveToMe on May 21, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    Well…I guess no one has any feedback for me *sigh*. Oh well. I guess I basically sorted through it in writing. Now I am on to other stuff.

    And I may have learned something interesting and very useful about myself this weekend. It has yet to be confirmed, so I’m going to be vague and not say what it is. But it could be a game-changer, in a lot of ways.

    Let’s hope. Because so far, this game sux a bit. Lol



  115.  #115Grace on May 22, 2016 at 1:23 am

    I had the best time tonight. And i feel like I might have turned a corner by being willing to to be the chooser and walking aeay. Just a couple if errks ago, Lanky was angry and didn’t seem happy to see me at all, because I said I felt like being picked up and he didn’t know I was expecting that… He picked me up, but he was mad about it, which I ignored.

    Fast forward to tonight. A friend I rarely see, let me know there was a deep bass show tonight, and offered to give me a ride. He was working 2 hours away, and drove 30 minutes out of his way to pick me up just like nothing. No sweat. I was totally wallowing and basking in how easy it can be and the afterglow of all that ease.

    happythankyoumoreplease.



  116.  #116Indigo on May 22, 2016 at 1:28 am

    Love To Me,

    What did you need feedback on?
    I’d be happy to help. I must have missed it.



  117.  #117Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 5:29 am

    LL
    Sparkly Fireworks – Siren!!!

    I’m enjoying watching you as you become warmer, sassier and excited about life!!
    Who is your love coach?
    Your short haircut sounds amazingly Zoooming!
    You are very inspiring!
    oxoxo



  118.  #118Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 5:43 am

    Grace,
    As I have watched my parents age… They are both quite healthy for being 90… They aren’t on much medication… They still live in their own home on 20 acres… with help from the church, their children and a helper that comes in everyday to cook one meal.
    They have eaten healthy their whole lives and have stayed active…
    I used to think why don’t they do this and that…
    Now I have a MUCH better perspective…
    It takes courage and strength and a dedication to health and finances-physical and mental- to age gracefully!!

    It is NEVER too late to start!!!
    Grace, from what you have shared here on Siren Island
    you have been doing all of these things right along…

    Also #115
    Ohhhh… I feel excited…
    You got the POWERFUL
    – Self loving feeling – of walking away!!

    Now you KNOW *YOU* deserve ONLY the best!!!

    The world is YOURs now Darling!! :-))
    Rori’s tools a Magical!



  119.  #119Indigo on May 22, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Dixie 106,

    To balance out what I said earlier, I will say that I believe, no I know, deep in my heart, that D came along at just the right time in my life. Not only what he taught me and who the relationship helped me become, but also the love that he gave me was extremely valuable and beautiful in its own way. I don’t want anything I say about him, or about being glad to have moved on, to take away from that. He loved me deeply and the best way he was capable of and knew how. And that did a great deal for me. In many ways I blossomed in his presence and the very special way he cared about me carried me through some very difficult times. He also gave me vitality and fun and good memories and brought me to life in a way I cannot put a price on. So he wasn’t able to commit to me in the end, which is what I wanted, so what? It meant it was time for me to move on, but it doesn’t take away from the time we had together. Everything happens in life when it is meant to. And it’s all good.



  120.  #120Zara on May 22, 2016 at 8:23 am

    LoveToMe 38 *****Oh, and one other thing about this guy – he always smelled TERRIBLE. He could wear cologne, and he did. But he had this really pungent body odor that was always there, no matter what. And I just hated it.
    I am very thankful that I did not end up with him. But…there is a part of me going “what if…?” What if I had agreed to exclusivity on the third date when he called me the wrong name? What if I decided that I liked how possessive he was? What if he really would have “taken care of me,” as he saw it his manly duty to do? Would I be married now? Would I have ha kids?
    And would I feel miserable every day, or would I feel loved…?
    These things I don’t know. *****

    I don’t know the answer to any of that either.
    What I know for sure is that, by now, had you married him, you would have grown a clothes peg on your nose. You would have given birth to babies with little tiny clothes pegs grown on their noses. Is that the type of family you dream of? The type of family you can pack in a van, with clothes pegs and all, to go to work all together as voices for the Disney Studio?
    Yes or no?
    Simple…

    His pheromones were not matching yours. Nothing comfortable could have happened, no matter what. It’s just one of those things.
    Now you know you’ve got senses that work. Trust them. When it smells like BS, it most probably is. Once you say no to it, don’t doubt yourself.

    xxx



  121.  #121Zara on May 22, 2016 at 8:34 am

    LoveToMe *****And I’m thinking – how can I reconcile this? How can I see this guy, who looks so happy and friendly, and maybe he’s really a good, loyal husband, yet I know another side to him? I’ve seen him be absolutely cruel and insensitive, and not only that, I know for a fact that he cheated on her – with me. How can they look so happy? How can they have what I want – a commitment and a relationship – when I experience him as a terrible person*****

    There are “lovely” pictures of Hitler and Eva. Which has nothing to do with what this happy looking couple did to millions of people, including their own.
    I keep on my side of the story. Hitler kills humans, among which my people, and Eva supports the crimes (or else she would not be his partner) and no happy looking couple picture will make me doubt they do what they do. Oh, and of course Hitler has as many lovers he can have. A smile on a picture by the side of Eva, does not mean monogamy.

    History is full of men who kill women and children of their own people under different justifications, although married to a woman and raising children with her. It’s even full of men who, in order to win a woman, kill as many humans they have to kill, including the woman herself if she does not surrender. Wanting a woman is not exclusive from being cruel. Such are humans.

    Follow your feelings/sensations/senses, trust them, they’ll keep you away from dangerous circumstances.

    xxx



  122.  #122LoveToMe on May 22, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Wow. Zara, that was extremely powerful, and yet so true.

    I was thinking that, while it felt bad to be blockaded by this guy’s “bodyguard buddy,” it occurred to me that it was more to keep him from going to other girls than it was to keep those girls from going to him. Ugh.

    Anyway. THANK YOU. That was an extreme example, but also necessary in a way.

    Oh, and your clothespin image was super hilarious. Lol



  123.  #123LoveToMe on May 22, 2016 at 9:19 am

    Indigo – I was looking for feedback on what I posted in #38. I like what Zara had to say, but feel free to take a look!

    Also, everyone, there are two new posts up!



  124.  #124Zara on May 22, 2016 at 10:07 am

    🙂 LoveToMe

    By the way, have you ever read my post 14 written for you, 3 articles ago?

    xxx



  125.  #125Liquid Light on May 22, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Lilybelly: Pixie cuts are so fun, aren’t they??!!



  126.  #126LoveToMe on May 22, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Zara, I don’t know – maybe not. I I’ll have to check!!