The Only Thing That Matters About A Man When What You Want Is Relationship

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relationshipHere’s a letter from Amanda, and instead of giving her  and you specific steps on how to feel better that are already in Targeting Mr. Right and Modern Siren – I want to go “bigger” and give you a way to “re-frame” the whole idea of what “relationship” means to you, what you want with it, how you thrive, what’s important:

“Rori, I’m dealing with what seems to be the end of a relationship right now (we’re on a ‘break’) because he realized he just wasn’t ready for the level of intimacy that was developing. When he leaned back, I did too. And we haven’t spoken in over a week now. So now, I’m struggling with the ‘focusing on me’ part.

What keeps throwing me off balance is one simple thing… when I focus on me all I feel is deep sadness. Even though there are other guys in the ‘rotation’ and I did everything according to the program and I still have other things to fill my day/time with… I still feel very deeply sad about not having him in my life since we had a very unique and special connection. (unlike any of the others in the ‘line up’).

How do I refocus on ‘me’ and start making ‘my’ life fun again when the only thing I’m feeling is loss and sadness? (I’ve also lost many important people in my life so this is a big trigger for me).

Any suggestions? Thanks, Amanda”

My Answer:

Amanda, you sound so lovely – AND – none of the “connection” part means ANYTHING if a man isn’t “ready.”

The ABILITY and readiness to DO relationship is always the number ONE thing about a man you should fall in love with.

He shows his readiness and ability not by talking, or giving great sex, or saying any words at all.

He does it by ACTION.

It’s clear as day.

And that has to be SO at the top of your list that every other consideration pales by comparison.

Once you learn to love unconditionally and unsparingly, once you learn to open yourself 100% of your life, and not pick and choose when to open and when not to, once you learn the difference between loving and “investing” – everything gets clear and easy.

***When you realize that loving simply means FEELING love, radiating love, sharing love, doing loving things, saying loving things – without any concern at all for what comes back at you – you realize this, too:

If you’re doing, saying, contributing love out in the world, or focused at someone else in a way that makes you feel LESS LOVING to YOURSELF – then it isn’t love at all.

There’s got to be a hidden motivation underneath.

Something is driving you that has nothing to do with love, but with what you want.

And that’s the recipe for disappointment, anger, regret, a feeling of “waste.”

Most of the time – what we “think” we want is only stuff that’s been programmed into us over our entire lives.

In truth, we may never have experienced what we would “really want” – so we don’t know how to even imagine it, much less wish for it or want it.

We go to our “default” wanting: Wanting an experience we’ve once had, seen, read about.

If you’re “investing” in someone or something – it’s just like any kind of literal “investment.”

You’re logically “giving” something of yourself in hopes you’ll make a profit back!

In the case of a man – you’re investing time, energy, heart, money, expectations, hopes that something will come back to you. That somehow, he will “snap to” and give you back what you’ve given him.

It is – plainly – a “deal.”

And – in fact – all “relationship” is some kind of “deal.”

The question we women always face is: Is it a GOOD deal?

In other words – is our “Return of Investment” likely to be “on the ‘up’ side”?

And just like in business and finance – numbers don’t lie.

For a relationship with a man: Actions don’t lie.

The only cure for “Overfunctioning” and “OverInvesting”and “misreading a man” is to gain some new “perspective” by gaining NEW experience.

This means opening your mind to the possibilities you’ve never even considered.

To possibilities you know nothing about. Ones you haven’t seen, experienced, heard of, or read about.

The unknown things that are around every corner.

Love that may not seem likely at first, but grows.

Love that seems to die and then gets reborn.

Love that comes from friendship.

Love that comes from the purely physical.

Love that comes out of nowhere in seconds flat.

Love that shows up after years and years with the same man, years of beating your head against the wall with that same man.

Love that comes when your back is turned to it.

The one sure thing is that if you keep hammering at something that is moving away from you – you lose your love for yourself.

If you keep hammering at a piece of glass as if it were copper that’s aching to be sculpted – you end up with shards that hurt and make you bleed.

Some things are not meant to be what we want them to be, and some men are not meant to fit into the world we want them in. They are good for many things, but not those things that make you love yourself even MORE.

Go with this:

Once you truly have yourself – regardless of how much pain and sadness you feel the door to love opens up. It opens way wider than you have the ability to imagine when you’re still looking for the pieces of yourself that are now sticking to other people.

Let love flow out of you so that it sticks to other people. There’s an endless supply of that.

AND share and give your energy, time, heart, calendar, holidays, privacy – the “numbers” of “Love Investment” – the stuff that sticks and is not on endless supply – only with men who are already clearly investing in YOU!!!

Love and logistics are NOT the same.

Don’t measure love going out. Measure investment.

Okay – When you feel like “falling in love” and feel like “not holding back, giving it your all, going for broke” with one man – do it!

AND – all you have to remember is to pay attention to how you feel about YOU. If you love yourself more as you give him your all, then you’re likely making a great investment.

If you love yourself less, and wonder why he isn’t “giving” as much as you are to this relationship (and find yourself stuck in the “why” of him and his behavior and thought process) – then ask yourself honestly if you’re investing wisely.

It’s okay to Circular Date while you’re in tears over a bad investment with a man you still love.

Hopefully – you will love them ALL!

It’s okay to cry over dinner. It’s okay to leave in the middle of the movie to cry in the bathroom. It’s okay to not want to go anywhere and still drag yourself out of the house to be ‘social” and practice the Modern Siren Tools on anyone who shows up.

Much better to do anything that feels like love to yourself, than putting yourself on hold.

Love, Rori



  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 2, 2014 at 7:02 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on January 2, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Bob Marley

    “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her”.

  3.  #3Iris on January 2, 2014 at 7:50 am

    “We go to our “default” wanting: Wanting an experience we’ve once had, seen, read about”

    –Love this! This is why circular dating is so important. My images of happily-ever-after are greatly influenced by what I have seen on TV, in movies; heard about in songs, read about, etc. Or even more so, my desires are tied into the familiar feeling of pining over an ended relationship. As much as I want to be in a committed relationship, I feel like I am in a stage where I am truly figuring out what I want in a relationship through the various experiences of Circular Dating.

  4.  #4Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 8:35 am

    @FW #2 I love that.. thanks for sharing!

    OK I need help! I’m feeling lots of stress all of the sudden… MR texted me to ask me out next week…. I didn’t reply, one because he said he call me, and two b/c I don’t like being ask out via text… and three b/c I had a rough day yesterday with lack of sleep and headache….

    but now he has e-mailed me…. ( geez )

    so I’m feeling pressure! b/c I need men in my rotation now…. and he is one of them…. otherwise I’d just let him fade away

    SO Siren’s…. what should I do to keep him in my rotation and still keep my degree of difficulty going ?

    I want to keep the excitement going with him, to keep him excited about seeing me…at the same time I want to let him know how I feel… also my week is booked up next week and I can’t see him so I’ll have to tell him I’m not free until the next week…

    I really don’t see much of a future with this man… I think he is into fetish stuff and s & m and I’m NOT…. but at least we have things in common and it would be good to have him in my rotation and get to know him. He is interesting.

    Any Advice?


  5.  #5Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 8:54 am

    How is this: ” I felt confused, I was expecting a call. I’m not a big texting person. ”

    Is that too blunt…?? I don’t want to send too much via e-mail.


  6.  #6Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Ok here is the whole thing…. oops I guess I should have posted it…

    “I’m feeling excited about getting together, yes! I felt confused, I was expecting a call. I’m not a big texting person. ” “Next week is booked for me, is there other times that might work the following week? ”

    How is that?


  7.  #7Femininewoman on January 2, 2014 at 9:53 am

    LISA – Helena one of Rori’s coaches posted this to you on the previous thread

    “Lisa – I know exactly how that feels! Many of my clients are experiencing this too – these days, everyone is texting and this is how men are asking women out.

    I tell my clients to take the perception of “He’s doing the best he can to get you” – which helps them to be more warmly disposed to men when they do show up – rather than feeling annoyed with them for being “lazy.” Most men are nervous and afraid of rejection when it comes to asking women out.

    When they DO call you (and eventually they most likely will) – I’ve found that it helps to say something like, “It feels so good to hear your voice! I love hearing from you – and you’re so great about texting – and it feels good to hear your voice too…”

    I absolutely LOVE that you understand your high value and that you’re not feeling a sense of urgency! You sound like an amazing “High Degree of Difficulty” woman – so many of us women can have a hard time with that, so brava to you!!”

  8.  #8Liquid Light on January 2, 2014 at 10:45 am

    OMG, I’m so excited! I sent an email to a friend whom I met through my ex. There is another friend of theirs that I also met that lives nearby in the community where I now live. He’s got a ton of friends and he’s really fun and successful. My friend forwarded my email to him asking him if he has any single friends, which I’m sure he does. Also, he’s the nemesis of my ex, my ex totally idolized him and always kept trying to earn his respect which he never did. It’s going to be totally delicious when my ex hears that his arch rival is fixing me up with one of his friends. Hahahaha!!! Love it!!! And maybe finally I’ll meet someone interesting. OMG, so excited!!!

  9.  #9Liquid Light on January 2, 2014 at 10:58 am

    2014 is going to be about playing large, not small. I want to do things and be around people that are doing exciting things in their lives, and not settling for anything. I like being around people that live large so in order to do that, I need to live large too. The email I sent out to my ex’s friend was a huge first step in that direction. That guy is definitely living large and it makes me feel excited and thrilled just thinking about the possibilities that connection could open up. Yay me! Yay 2014!!!!

  10.  #10Amber on January 2, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Hi Sirens-
    This post spoke to because I’ve reconnected with (T) and I’m really working to balance leaning back when he does, and being receptive whole-heartedly when he shows up. What I’ve realized is that he is expecting rejection from me because it’s what he’s used to from women, including me. Is this common among men? I don’t know, but it feels like the right answer in this case. I think I’ve surprised him in our last two encounters because instead of being cold in response to his leaning back, I accepted it and the only comment I made was that I “feel vulnerable and a little abandoned. I don’t want to feel abandoned” after we’re together and I don’t hear from him. I’ve been very honest while trying hard to ‘feel’ in the moment with him. Last night I made some mistakes in leaning forward but I was completely honest so…
    Happy 2014, Sirens, we’re off to a great start!

  11.  #11Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 11:21 am

    @FW #7

    Ok got it! Thanks! I’ll give it a try….

    and thanks for the compliment! <3


  12.  #12April Rose on January 2, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    About four months ago I took my focus off my relationship entirely, and just decided to get happy and get involved in my creativity.

    I decided to have zero expectations of the man I live with. And yet I stayed open and warm towards him, as I did towards life in general.
    “…learn to open yourself 100% of your life, and not pick and choose when to open and when not to….”

    Things have slowly changed. Up to the point where he has started taking care of us, and today he cooked two meals. He cleaned the entire kitchen yesterday. He is warm and affectionate at all times of the day.

    I simply receive. And glow with delight. And stay leaned back.

    I finally know from experience that the more this man does for me, the more he wants to do.

    Wow. I have to say I feel surprised it has turned out like this.

  13.  #13Amber on January 2, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    April Rose-12
    I’m so inspired by this. I find the more I do for myself the easier it is to lean back and be receptive. Today I totally focused on my work and didn’t even notice when (T) text me, and when I did notice, I realized I’m too busy to give the reply the attention it deserves and so I will wait until I’m in a more romantic mood. I’m really focusing on building moments with him because we have some negative history to get past. I will rejoice for the day it doesn’t take all my willpower to leave him alone to make me dinner (like last night; I relaxed in the livingroom, but it was hard). Not feel the need to ‘help’ (which I’ve realized is really just me trying to be controlling). I’m celebrating my journey to the true, vulnerable, loving and lovable me. Thanks for being a part of it!

  14.  #14April Rose on January 2, 2014 at 3:14 pm


    It’s taken me a while to totally relax and trust how he does things. I used to hover around him, giving little tips.
    Today he told me he didn’t want any instructions! It felt good to hear him assert his masculinity, and I walked away smiling.

    You say you have some negative history to get past. Well, Rori told me that men forget all that. They live in good-feeling present moments.
    It took my man a while to forget our troubles (caused by my past unfeminine behaviour), and only after a session of him confessing/unloading all his resentments did I see his warmth return. It happened unexpectedly one night; we just started talking and all his old grudges came out. He said he felt much better for getting things out in the open. I just let him talk. I didn’t try to defend myself.

    Now, whenever I act short-tempered or try to take control, I can see his annoyance and I apologise. Or else I walk away until I feel open again and then next time I see him I’m smiling and warm.

    A relationship can take a few crunchy moments if the foundation of respect is there, I think.

  15.  #15April Rose on January 2, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    “Love that seems to die and then gets reborn.”

    I have experienced this.

  16.  #16April Rose on January 2, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    What helps me a lot is the thought that I am keeping my options open. I intend for myself the very best relationship that my heart desires.

  17.  #17Helena Hart on January 2, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Lisa – have you met this man in person yet? If he’s someone you’ve been talking to online and you’d rather he call you than text or email, you can always say, “I’m feeling burnt out with emailing/texting, it would feel good to match your voice to your photo. What do you think?”

    This is something that Rori and I have talked about with online dating when it comes to men who want to email or text endlessly rather than calling. If this is someone who you’ve already met in person it’s obviously different, but I hope that helps! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  18.  #18Amber on January 2, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    April Rose-14
    Thank you again. I appreciate the positive feedback. I think I’ve lived all of my life in boy energy, oldest of three kids with a single mom. It’s innate to “take care of” EVERYTHING for me. I’m enjoying being feminine around all of my CDs, but as Rori states, it’s easier to practice with men who ‘don’t matter.’ I’m trying to be patient and love my mistakes. It really wasn’t until I started the programs that I realized how scared of intimacy I am. Terrified is a better term. I love my terror, it means I am open. Cheers!

  19.  #19Dominique on January 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Lisa – 4 – Simple. See him if you feel like it, and don’t when you don’t.


  20.  #20Dominique on January 2, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Lisa – 5 – as for the message to him. – It feels so much better receiving a phone call, so I can hear your voice. What do you think?


  21.  #21Dominique on January 2, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    April Rose – 12 – This feel so amazing to read. I feel thrilled for you. What a HUGE change. YAY YOU!!!


  22.  #22Violette on January 2, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    From the last thread:

    Thanks Dominique. We’ve actually never gone out, just flirted at a couple of parties. And I was really looking forward to it. He cancelled our date 2 weeks ago now. Would it really be so bad to call him and say hi?

  23.  #23Butterfly Wings on January 2, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    Oh this was good, and very much in line with something I’ve been going through for a couple of months.

    Of the 17 or so CDs in my rotation, two are clearly investing in me. One is fully available and the other isn’t, so will see how this goes! 😉

  24.  #24Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    @Helena Hart #17 Thanks!!!! I have met him in person twice and we had about a 15-20 min conversation last week.

    @Dominique Yes, thanks after about 4 texts I think I will do that…. b/c really all the time spent on texting could have already made the date… so I am tired… <3

    That feels good see him when I want and not when I don't…

    "D" is very available so far…. the only issue I've noticed is that he works a lot…. but so far everything else seems to be good. however Rori is right the only thing that matters most is, how ready these men are to be in a long term relationship..

    "D" is driving down to see me next week… I'm getting to the point where, and he asks me …. I need the physical connection… and he is very good so far to understand that… and my guess is he gets my feminine talk… at least so far…

    He seems to be very emotionally available… and also says he like a lot of touch and affection…

    I'm feeling good about it… but again, trying not to get caught up since it is long distance and it's fantasy until he is right here in front of me… however, I'm experiencing emotions already.. which isn't like me… I've had men want to fly in to meet me before, I don't get attached… but this time… things seem to be stirring inside me…

    Thanks for the advice!!!!


  25.  #25Amber on January 2, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I have a date with (K) Saturday. Since I declined his not at all subtle invitation into his tonight (we’ve been on two dates, really?!) he fell back on a proper date. I’ve no intention of sleeping with him anytime soon. I’m far too high value for that. He’s not the ‘boy toy’ type, either.
    I don’t dislike him and he’s not disgusting so I’m determined to keep him in my rotation as long as he wants to keep shooting arrows at me. I can feel my Degree of Difficulty going up even as I type, lol. I have to literally keep reminding myself that it is perfectly fine for me to provide nothing more than enjoyable company for an evening, sex is not required. I am a Diva. Right now I’m a flattered and annoyed Diva. The flattery is winning, but I’m acknowledging the annoyance, too. Great that you want me, dude, but I’m worth more than that. If you can’t see it…
    Cheers, Sirens

  26.  #26Amber on January 2, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    *into his bed*

  27.  #27Angela on January 2, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    “It’s okay to cry over dinner. It’s okay to leave in the middle of the movie to cry in the bathroom. It’s okay to not want to go anywhere and still drag yourself out of the house to be ‘social” and practice the Modern Siren Tools on anyone who shows up.”

    That felt good to read. It’s ok, we are ok, wherever we are.

  28.  #28Lisa on January 2, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    “D” is rocking my world…. I haven’t slept much in 2 weeks since we started talking…

    all the things that I’ve wanted and haven’t had before he is… and though I know I’ve not met him in person yet…. the emotions are there… and I’ve not wanted them to be….

    and he sends me this goodnight e-mail that brings me to tears… and opens me right up… and I realize… it’s my pent up emotions that are keeping me awake….

    I’m scared …. to fall in love again… he is a alpha male and I’ve not ever had that… I’ve known I needed it… b/c of who I am… and so much more… I haven’t wanted to get attached, and I’m dating … c’dating too… but I am getting attached… that’s a fact… he is so attentive and he listens so much, to me, he isn’t over powering me, he really is interested in me ( so far) and seems to have a healthy emotional self….

    so why am I crying… b/c it’s what I’ve wanted… and now it might be in my reach… and I’m scared….. to have it… or to not have it… I’m scared to meet him and it not work out… I’m scared if it does work out… I’ve not had all this before… it is all new to me… I’ve never had a man express himself so well…. be so open with his emotions, feelings… and be so strong…

    for certain each new man I get involved with has been so much better… I’m so happy about that…

    I could just be… “being played”… but I don’t think so… he might change in 4mos like “M” did?

    I feel so confused right now… about all this emotion that is coming up… him coming to see me… and me already feeling urges… so confusing…

    I will sleep now… crying helps me….


  29.  #29Indigo on January 2, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    This is hands down my favourite piece by Rori. Ever.

  30.  #30Cris on January 3, 2014 at 12:57 am

    so many possibilities with love… trying to focus on appreciating love as a calm river and not a waterfall or rapids

  31.  #31Cris on January 3, 2014 at 1:01 am

    @April Rose 12 wow! you encourage me! thanks! 🙂

  32.  #32Smile on January 3, 2014 at 4:35 am

    Hi sirens, so amb and I had our first argument after being together for a wonderful year.
    My fear has set in now, I feel like I’ve blown it, going back to my old ways. I let the resentment come out in the wrong way and it sounded like attacking and making him look ungrateful. I told him I needed help, I felt overwhmed with everything. He didn’t do it straight away and by then it was too late I just had to do it myself. I was consciously choosing my words. The first bit I was okay with but them more unchosen words just came out and sounded like attacking. I apologised. But now it’s like we’re tip toeing around. He hugged me but it wasn’t a hug like we normally share. Now he’s out doing his things. We have a family event this afternoon before he goes away for a week with work. So we’re not going to get any alone time. I feel so cross with myself. I’ve changed everything. Possibly ruined it. 🙁 feeling so so sad how something so smazingly great can be crumbled in just a few unthought words. Something I’ve been consciously trying to avoid.
    What do I do now? I can’t do anything. I need to just be. More words will just ruin it even more if there not the right words. What are the right words to say in these times? I never know?

  33.  #33Smile on January 3, 2014 at 4:59 am

    When I finally do get a man who invests so much in me and makes me feel wonderful to be around him, I go and screw it up by saying something in the wrong way.
    I want to understand where this resentment comes from within me, what’s the cause? Otherwise I’m just going to keep repeating it over and over.

  34.  #34Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 5:07 am

    Smile it seems you need to change that belief. One incident can’t destroy a whole year of goodness.

  35.  #35Smile on January 3, 2014 at 5:16 am

    Thank you FW, deep down I know this, I know this from other couples and my first relationship but I’ve yet to experience it for myself in the last 5 years to realise this.
    I’ve never had a good relationship where these moments are okay. I don’t know what to do or what to say without making it worse. Or do I just let it be now. It seems worse because he’s going away. In a few hours.
    We’ve been joking that we haven’t had an argument yet so I guess these moments are natural? And ok? If we were expecting it at some point?

  36.  #36Cris on January 3, 2014 at 5:28 am

    @Smile, FW is right. Please relax and don’t be so hard to yourself and don’t think too much 🙂

  37.  #37Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Smile you are the prize.
    You are the yummy pie.
    Put your focus on you.
    Put yourself back on your pedestal.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 5:51 am

    If deep down you know this. Then deep down believe this. Rest in the assurance. If he chooses to drift away then what does that say about him? Find a way to let go of the panic and anxiety.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 5:52 am


  40.  #40Kath on January 3, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Hi Sirens!- Its been a long while and I wanted to share with you my journey so far. I’ve been with my man now for almost 3yrs-we moved in to a lovely cottage we are renting together and are looking for a place to buy together later this year. Since moving in together into a home we have made together things have mostly been great even though there have been niggling little things that have happened, like him trying to keep everyone happy and letting slip little comments and stories about his x-wife. Its what nearly spilt us up before but we talked and I thought we’d cleared the air but my suspcions were aroused again recently and I happened to check his cell to find a string of messages between him and his x-wife in which he asked her whether she wanted to meet up and have a catch up. They’d agreed to meet up and then he cancelled her because I’d invited him out to lunch (I didn’t know about them meeting up). What really annoyed me was what he told her- she asked him whether he cancelled because I hadn’t liked the idea of them meeting up and he said that he hadn’t told me and wouldn’t tell me because I !was funny about stuff like that!- He actually made out that I was jealous or some crazy woman which is so far from the truth. So I made a big speech to him that I was fine with him being friends with his x-wife and even suggested the four of us go out together (he said that would happen over his dead body). So I then said that I just wanted everything to be above board and for him to feel able to be open and honest with me because it was very hard being in love with someone who was still in love with his x wife. He of course denies that he is. But then the other night we were talking about bhouse hunting and he seemed to be pushing for us to start looking properly and said that he’d consider anything. I said that we’d agreed to wait a while, at least until the spring and he tried to push it so I then said that I would prefer to wait until we were absolutely ready and knew what we both wanted and that I had always said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and wanted a home and a husband. He got angry!- he snapped at me and tried to start an argument and my alarm bells started ringing. So I made my speech again, calmly and left it- then this morning he sent me a text to say that we should stop being petty and get focussed!- How belittled do I feel right now!!!

  41.  #41Lisa on January 3, 2014 at 7:10 am

    So MR texted me again about the date… I just sent a day and time… now question is I don’t drink and he wants to meet somewhere for cocktails… I don’t want to get into this with text.. but I want to stay in the feminine also…

    so, I want to text him back and say, for cocktails I would prefer to meet …………. and since this place I’m suggesting has the kind of cocktails I drink ( herbal vs. alcoholic) what do you siren’s suggest about me suggesting this place?

    OR should I just meet where he wants to meet and then drink juice?


  42.  #42Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 7:28 am

    Kath – that we should stop being petty and get focussed!-

    It seems to me that if he said “we” he is taking responsibility also for what happened. My question to you is “are you taking it personal?”

    Do you have experience where someone else called you or your ideas petty? Or is that a trigger word between you too?

  43.  #43Smile on January 3, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Thank you cris and FW. I always feel at peace when I come here. Everything gets put in perspective again.
    He came home after doing some jobs and you were right, all I felt was his love and reassurance. He said a few things and then it was all cleared. It’s so nice to have a man who doesn’t go into his cave for 5 days. This man can ‘do’ relationship.
    I am the yummy pie! I am the prize! Thanks for the reminder FW!!!!
    The resentment seems silly now. He was in bed and I needed help. Because he didn’t give it to me immediately thus is where my resentment started after I asked for help but didn’t receive it immediately. I need to remember how much he does do for me though in so many ways. This post from rori is timely.

  44.  #44Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Turquoise how are things?

  45.  #45Kath on January 3, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Hi FW,

    Uhmm, I guess the word “petty” is a negative trigger for me- I just felt that he’d belittled my feelings and wanting to have a husband and a home. He has text me to say that we can’t do everything and that we should go for the house and then look at getting married- so perhaps he realises what he said was hurtful. I am very sensitive, the trouble is he is too and I have to be very careful about the words I use when I’m explaining things or he takes things the wrong way- do you think I’ve done the same thing?

  46.  #46Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Kath I believe that people reflect ourselves back to us. If this is what you are seeing in him I would suggest looking for yourself where these things are in you as well. It is easy for us to see other people’s faults and to point fingers but not so easy for us to see ourselves.

    I’d say look at the things that you want and prioritize them then share this with him. Maybe he sees these two things as expensive and can’t afford doing both at the same time.

  47.  #47LoveAlways on January 3, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Beautiful! OMG! I’ve been in that exact place – Thank you Rori!

  48.  #48Dominique on January 3, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Smile – 32 – Men don’t tend to help onto things or turn them over and over in their brains, endlessly like many women tend to, as you are right now.

    Can you try to calm yourself, and own this one? Can you remember that if he loves you and is the one for you, one little argument is not going to ruin anything?

    If you want to apologize when you next see him, simply, cleanly, no gushing needed, you can, but likely he’s all but forgotten this incident.


  49.  #49R.N.AmazingMe on January 3, 2014 at 10:02 am

    I finally went out on a date I had fun and felt very feminine. It was great and was nice to enjoy the company of a gentleman. Circular dating kicks off for the new year!!

  50.  #50Dominique on January 3, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Kath – 45 – This may help.


  51.  #51LoveAlways on January 3, 2014 at 10:16 am

    That sounds wonderful RNAmazingme!

  52.  #52LoveAlways on January 3, 2014 at 10:18 am

    April Rose #12

    My heart fill big and full with hope reading your lovely post!!! I am so happy for you!

  53.  #53April Rose on January 3, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Thank you, LoveAlways 🙂

  54.  #54April Rose on January 3, 2014 at 10:42 am

    I totally love this posting by Rori.

    I can see more clearly the difference between ‘loving’ and ‘investing’.

    I find it easy to love any man.

    At the moment I’m not invested in one (other than living with one. But my focus is on my own life).
    He now seems to be investing in me, which is a an unexpected surprise.

    Loving someone doesn’t cost me anything. I feel happy to be loving without grasping for something in return.

  55.  #55Lisa on January 3, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Nice April Rose! Good to hear that! <3

  56.  #56Femininewoman on January 3, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    April Rose it is almost shocking to read your latest updates taking into consideration what was happening before. Congrats.

  57.  #57April Rose on January 3, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Thank you Lisa and Femininewoman,

    I’m sure you both remember how miserable I was just a few months ago.

    I had an inkling that I was overfocussed on the relationship, to the exclusion of the other things in my life – notably my creativity and my contribution to the world. So I put my thoughts on those things instead.

    I too feel pretty shocked and surprised at the turnaround.

    When I wanted him to come towards me, he stayed away!! Since I decided not to care what he does, he has started to come towards me.
    I feel curious how our dynamic will develop.

  58.  #58Sophie on January 3, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    I feel so happy to hear your turnaround as well April Rose x

    I intend to fulfil my intentions of being as happy as I can be x New Years Eve I was feeling pretty flat but then I thought no I’m not going to lose my sparkle so I got some friends and we went to the highest point of the city and watched all the fireworks go off from everywhere x I LOVED it! and I’m so happy that I didn’t just give in and go to bed x and I put some music on and had a dance all to myself which reminded me I like dancing! and parties! and getting dressed up! so I’m not going to lose that from my life x and I’ve got back into the routine of going to the health spa daily and I’m going to put the effort back into feeling good about myself yay! x

    B and I managed to burst through the HUGE animosity to a place of loveliness – we are both accepting of the need for B to move out and because we finally managed to talk about it without venom (I feel very proud of myself because I would not give up on this – things had gone very dark and I wanted us to be in a place of love and peace for each other regardless of the circumstances and he said some pretty mean things but I ignored them as I still wanted us to get to this place and we did – yay!)

    it’s amazing what the words ‘ I miss you’ do!

    Anyway, it feels like lots of the pressure has been alleviated – and he said that next week he’s going to look for a job which made me feel so much lighter (I didn’t realise it had been getting me down) – anyway I felt lighter because I think that will take some of the pressure of us to and I think he will be happier working

    A very happy new year to everybody xxx

  59.  #59Lisa on January 3, 2014 at 2:39 pm


    I’m so happy for you….

    so tears are coming now that I’ve slowed down and just rested today… a fever blister tells me… too much loss of sleep, too much stress, worry and not enough water… so I’m not doing much at all today…… I wish that I could figure out why this time every year I get one?

    Tears are telling me that I’m afraid of meeting “D” b/c he is closer to what I want… the others were not… so that was not so much of a fear…

    I’m afraid of getting what I want… I’m afraid of meeting a man that is strong, emotional and present… b/c then I would have to be vulnerable… I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again…

    I can’t remember what Louise Hayes says about fever blister… probably something about unspoken words…?? I’m curious…

    I also am finding that “M” is popping back up in subconsciously b/c our 1 yr anniversary would have been next week…

    “D” birthday is the same day I met “M” what does that mean? I have to totally let go of “M”… I have too! lots of stuff…coming up…


  60.  #60Sophie on January 3, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Lisa ! She says “festering angry words and fear of repressing them!” – I’d love to hear what you think of that? 🙂

    I’ve had bronchitis for about 5 weeks (inflamed home environment – go figure!) – a cold – ‘too much going on at once. small hurts’ and asthma ‘inability to breathe for oneself’


  61.  #61Tereana on January 3, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Lisa – About #28. I am wondering how he can “rock your world” if you haven’t met him yet. I did have a CD once who rocked my text-world. He sent me messages all the time. And a couple of times, after we broke up, he even reconnected with me and did the same thing. But it never really progressed beyond that. He’s a guy who is fine with technology, but, I realized, a real, live, soft, thinking, feeling body next to him was too much for him to handle. I let him know how I felt, and we let it go.

    I personally, can’t settle for a text-only relationship. Until you meet him in person, and he commits to you in person, it’s only in your mind. The mental relationship you may be having with him may “rock your world” and be everything you need. But he hasn’t showed up yet, you know? I’m not saying that he won’t be all those things, I’m just saying…don’t count your chickens.

    There’s a reason people say that.

    But don’t worry about how you feel or if it’s right. We love you here, no matter what!


  62.  #62Tereana on January 3, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Oops, I forgot to cook my dinner! I got distracted by the dating site…

    So many messages! I’ve gotten checked out by tons of guys in just that last few days. Not totally overwhelming. Just more than I expected.

    And, so funny, I was thinking to myself…where are all the “brown” guys? (i.e. Indian, etc.) And then, lo and behold, they showed up! Several. Mostly white, but a few Indians also managed to find me. It was encouraging.

    I also checked out a random page of a guy who is actually on OKC with his wife. They are trying polyamory, I guess. And I – gulp…messaged him! All I really said was that I was looking to date and have a family, but that his wife is hot. Lol. So we’ll see. I figure, heck, why not?

    A guy called me yesterday. It was a full-on blizzard and he wanted to drive to see me. And read naked poetry and have my smash a pie into his face. Long story…. Short story: I told him, that sounds really great, but it’s too much too soon. He suggested meeting this evening. But he never really followed up. We sent some messages today, but I could feel the energy was gone.

    I felt, last night and today, this mix of – okay, when do a let a guy just “be himself” (like, hey, he wants to come drive to see me in a snow storm? who am I to stop him? he wants to live in the moment and be spontaneous), and when do I put my hand out and say, “slow down, killer.” I basically did the latter here, but I feel like I just dumped a bucket of ice water on his mojo. Bottom line is, I did not feel ready. It WAS too much too soon for me, and that NEVER turns out well. I could have gone for it, let him do it. But I would not have been happy with the result.

    And what result am I looking for, actually? I’m looking for a guy who starts out respecting me, just because, and ends up respecting me even more, when he finds out who I am. THAT is what I am looking for. And that doesn’t come from a guy who drives to your house the first time that he meets you. I’ve tried it, twice, out of convenience, laziness, and while it was fun, it really didn’t lead to anything productive. That sort of arrangement – especially in a snow storm – is not a date it’s a booty call. And that’s just not how I’m going to roll right now.

    So maybe what I’m feeling is just the discomfort of really just laying down the law and sticking with my boundary – not budging on it just because it will make someone happy in the moment. That’s how three-year-olds walk all over you.

    I did send him one final message today, when it was clear that he wasn’t going to come and meet me, but he wasn’t following up to tell me either way. I just said that I felt like a party-pooper, but that in order to meet him for the first time, it would have to be outside the house. He can like it or not like it. Those are the rules.

    Hey, it’s internet dating. It’s not like the end of the world. He’s one guy. He’ll move on. I’ve got lots of other “prospects”…

    And I’m thinking of dating or looking for guys in Chicago. I mean, I kind of want to move there. Why look for guys here, when I can see who’s there? I hate dating long-distance, but it’s not so long, if you’re planning to move there…I know one guy already, but I don’t want to be too forward with him. I like him, but things never seem to go anywhere. He’s just super duper cute and hot. And the first time I met him was, well, not at his house, per se, but I did stay with him, since I just happened to be passing through the city. So, well, that’s about the story. *sigh*

  63.  #63R.N.AmazingMe on January 3, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    I have talked to a few men far away it never really worked for me…but hey u never know

  64.  #64Tereana on January 3, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    So here’s my question (to myself) – why do I go after “losers”? And I mean, not that they are losers, generally speaking, but that they lose in the race of who’s “qualified” to be with me? That is, do they want kids? Do they treat me well? Do they do what they say they are going to do? Etc.

    And here’s my answer: it’s because I refuse to believe that these guys are actually losers, that they are actually all that bad. I’m a big softie. And/or I don’t want to admit that I would have a thing for a “loser.” I often don’t.

    I told one guy on Okc today – he’s written me a long, friendly email that was actually quite touching, but when I looked at his pictures, I knew he just wasn’t for me. I know that sounds shallow, but seriously, long, greasy hair on a guy just does not turn me on. I’m sorry. And he just seemed lovely, but I didn’t want to connect with him. So I told him very gently that I didn’t feel like I was the girl for him but that he would find her. He thanked me for my honesty (he probably doesn’t get that a lot).

    What I’m trying to say is, much like something my friend’s mom posted on Fb recently, I see the good in everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. Yes, even a murderous guy on death row. I would still believe that there is some glimmer of humanity in there even if I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with him, necessarily. Even a sociopath has humanity. (Psychopaths are debatable, but I still believe that, if not for that condition, they would be just like the rest of us, which I suppose is obvious).

    Which brings me back to S…sort of. I don’t see him as a sociopath or psychopath, or anything of the sort. Even if he is “toxic,” I see it coming from some hurt in his past, as it does for most of us. I don’t know what that hurt is, nor can I resolve it. And I can’t change his ways or anything he believes now.

    He told me he thinks he may have undiagnosed ADD, and that may be true. I can certainly see how that might fit in with his life. I feel compassion for him. I feel compassion for the fact that his ADD, or whatever it is, makes him walk away from relationships. And I also have to acknowledge that that hurts me.

    I thought again about writing to him today, and I didn’t. There are certain ideas that keep resurfacing for me. Like how I would like it if we could just walk away like adults. But what is it that someone on here said one time? “Being a siren doesn’t have to mean full disclosure.” Sometimes SILENCE is the best policy.

    Silence, and dating other guys… I can see by the response online that I might get some dates soon. It will be a welcome distraction. Already, this guy yesterday distracted me a bit.

    But I still feel connected to S. And that’s partly why I thought of writing to him just one last message. Something that really said how I felt. Because he is walking away and pointing the finger at me, like it’s my fault. It isn’t my fault. But the bottom line is, we don’t want the same things.

    It really is that simple.

  65.  #65prplpsn28 on January 3, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Signing in to new thread. Need to catch up.

  66.  #66Lisa on January 3, 2014 at 6:45 pm


    Yes, that is why I wrote what I wrote…. b/c as I said it is fantasy until he is here…

    and it is phone and e-mail… the text guy is here locally… and I’m not counting on much from him…

    and “D” has followed through but I have this feeling… and I’m leaning back…

    he kept saying to me and even tonight when he said he was working late… that he’d call later… I said ok – he said if not tonight tomorrow, I said ok during the day tomorrow is fine too…

    but then he said, I’m most likely coming in to your town early but don’t feel like you have to re-arrange your life for me, I can tool around town and get to know it… and he has said that like 4 times… though I allow him to do as he pleases and I say, when you would like to see me, let me know so I can make sure I have a sitter. but now it is 9:44 and he didn’t call…which is what I suspected…..

    When I said he rocked my world I meant in his follow through and his e-mails and such… that’s all… that he is so open…

    but they change… and he might be shifting… and that is ok… b/c I’m really not sure I want a long distance relationship anyway…

    thanks for listening


  67.  #67Lisa on January 3, 2014 at 7:51 pm


    I get that entire post about losers… and I find that I’m that way too… but I also know that most of the guys I meet aren’t going to measure up… either they are set in their ways being that they used to exercise, used to climb, used to hike and don’t anymore… pretend they will and then they don’t… or they are conservative… I’m liberal… ( no matter what that won’t work) or they just want arm candy and that doesn’t turn me on..

    So loser might be harsh but I mean they just won’t work… I know 9 out of 10 men haven’t done their work and won’t grow with me…

    I’m grateful for the break tonight with “D” and I realize that possibly my sleepliness is due to the fact that, I might feel suffocated…? I don’t know… every night phone calls was getting to me… I’m behind on washing and stuff – not sleeping well… I was starting to really have concerns.. then again it might be I’m not used to a man that can handle intimacy and then again he might just be one of those guys that dives into someone way too fast and then backs way off… I don’t know…

    but I realize that after seeing how women react with men on NYE and how they practically throw themselves on men and chase them… and then there is me.. who doesn’t and can dance by herself and feel confident… why do I struggle to find consistent Cd’ing men… ??

    They come in buckets and then drop off just as fast sometimes and though that doesn’t bother me too much, I wonder if I’m communicating to men 75% better than most of the women out there… or more, why ???

    It makes me really really just want to just stop trying to and say the F*&k with it…. I am who I am, I talk like I talk, I try and give it my all, and if that isn’t good enough… bye bye… I can’t keep on with this stress of trying to say things so I don’t put them off… I use my feeling messages as much as I remember.. and I’m open and flexible… and not clingy or needy… what gives???

    Dating is hard on me… it really is… I’m an ultra sensitive and it really is hard on my psyche – b/c I pick up on things easily and I am sensitive to all things… and part of me just wants to stop dating … though how would I find mr right if I do that…

    I just want to cry… not b/c of “D” but b/c I just want who I am right now to be enough!!! Perfect!!! forgotten feeling messages and all…

    what was I thinking about even considering a man that is separated ( not yet divorced) and 14 hrs away…?? only b/c he seemed to have such a similar lifestyle… and he seemed to be so open with his feelings…we are on the same page about so much and he seemed so into me…that is why…

    I attract them just fine, but then I have no clue what happens…??

    What’s wrong with me???? What is wrong with them that they see I’m amazing but don’t stick around.. uggg!!!


  68.  #68Millie on January 3, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I’ve been thinking about two things lately: Insecurity and trust. I’m realizing that my relationship with my own insecurity is important. I’ve been feeling like I’m wrong to feel insecure. Like my insecure feelings aren’t reality and I need to overcome them….but I was thinking last night that what if my insecurity IS reality. They aren’t something to overcome, they are something to honor. For example, I feel insecure that certain people don’t like me. At first I convince myself that these people do like me and that it my own thwarted perception of reality that causes these feelings, some bruise I’ve never healed from in life. BUT….now I’m taking a different approach. Instead of convincing myself of something, or wondering if I really do like myself….I do like myself, but I’m not the woman I want to be yet….what if how I feel is real? What if my insecure feelings, the anxious knot, the desire to withdraw is my body’s way of communicating a reality. Maybe it’s not that anything is wrong with me that I need to correct or overcome, maybe it is that the fact I don’t feel good in someone’s presence is real. If someone is making me feel insecure….it isn’t that I’m wrong in feeling that way, it is that the situation isn’t good for me to be in….

    I feel insecure about not being officially invited to certain outings. I feel like an after thought, I feel like people don’t go out of their way enough to WANT me there, so I don’t feel wanted. That makes me feel insecure. I question if I’m wanted at all. I’ve been trying to not question, to not allow myself to think I’m not wanted, to just live in this idea that “of course they want me there” even though no one took any action to make me feel that way. I think it’s time to stop undermining my insecurity…to stop myself from thinking “this is bad, I’m going to ignore it.” What if it is real? What if I feel that way for a really good reason?

    I’ve been posting about a certain female friend who is very dominant, very pushy, very opinionated, who at times I don’t feel good around at all. I feel like it has gotten to the point where I begin to act and feel “less than” because she treats me that way. Like being under a rock.

    Insecurity comes from not getting what you need. Either from yourself or from others. It can’t all be from yourself, I’m not an island.

    I was chatting with Mechanic last night and I started to feel belittled a bit by him also. Whether he intended to be or not, I felt that way. I reminded myself that a relationship is all about how YOU feel with that person. Not who he is, or how great he is, or how great he thinks he is…but how DO I FEEL? not good….honestly…..not good. Neither of these people make me feel good about myself. Compliments are great…those feel good, but the energy around that person, the energy that is coming towards me…how does that feel? How do their actions feel? Mechanic said that trust is about people’s action rather than words. What they do is more defining than what they say. I totally agree. That relates back to a previous post Rori posted about falling in love with a man’s actions and ability to do relationship, not the man himself. With female friends though…I do think a lot of the relationship is words.

  69.  #69Emerson on January 3, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    I had the weirdest night, I was feeling so indecisive, lonely, hungry and pathetic. I just wanted some company to sit down and have dinner and a glass of wine after a long week if working.
    So after work I asked a couple of friends but nobody was available…so I thought I’d go to dinner alone,,I drive to 3 different restaurants and sat in the parking lots for some time…. but I just couldn’t do it tonite…I wasn’t feeling sireny,,still in my work uniform,, it was weird I felt so sad and lonely. And I decided no I’m not going to start 2014 with this same lonely bull$hit. I’m going home, resting, and start a new day tomorrow. Nothing wrong with that.
    This year is going to be different.
    I will not carry that heavy sadness with me!

  70.  #70Emerson on January 3, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    This article is so true….so simple really…
    I’m glad I saw it today I’ve let go if those people in my life that are not showing up for me and it’s ok…

  71.  #71Amelia on January 4, 2014 at 3:17 am

    I have recently purchased Rori’s e-book and have only started to put a fraction of it into practice, (haven’t read much yet) and am AMAZED at the results. I feel I have been on the edge of break up since the beginning of this relationship but I cannot leave. I tried that for 2 weeks, and as Amanda said I too just felt huge sadness and when my man made what was obviously a huge effort and wrote a heartfelt note asking for a second chance I could not refuse. That was a few months back, there are still things I feel I need from him, but when I start thinking these I am telling my mind to ‘STOP’. It’s hard but is does seem to be working, and I can see this has benefits in ALL my life and not just in my relationship. It is taking me away from my head and thoughts, into my body and more authentic self. I can see how essentially it is the same as following spiritual teachings, which I struggled with, to stop living from my ego, and instead live from my ‘evolutionary self’

  72.  #72Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 6:58 am

    @Emerson I hear you! So glad you listened to you!

    @ Millie In my experience….Our insecurities we have now are our reality until that changes… love you and your insecurities… {{{hugs}}}

    Ok well after I vented and felt insecure and awful last night, I cried… let it go… went to bed… almost fell into a wonderful sleep and then woke up… not sure why… then turned my phone back on… checked my messages… and “D” had called twice… and left two wonderful messages.. about how he worked until 930 (so he can get time to come see me) and he really was sorry he wasn’t able to talk to me last night… and wished me a good nights sleep…

    I slept well after feeling a tiny bit embarrassed… NV’s and all help me learn…and leaning back last night was good for me… and woke up to a wonderful e-mail from him…

    OK I know this is fantasy and things can change in a month, 2 mos, 4 mos… after their good behavior is slowing down… but this guy is so awesome right now!!!

    Eyes open! I’m still going to enjoy it while it is here… and I’m excited to meet him… and really hope we click…even as friends… I think he is a great guy…


  73.  #73Cupcake on January 4, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Hi, Sirens-

    I am at my mom’s house, where I came for the holidays, and I am dragging my feet about going back to the new city I’ve been living in. It’s felt really good to have my sister here to talk to. I’ve felt starved for conversation in the new city where I don’t know many people.

    I was going to drive back today, except as I’ve been packing up my car, I started feeling really sad. So I guess I’ll stay another day here.

    At least I’ve had two fairly reasonable sounding guys contact me on OKCupid for dates when I get back. And a few others, too, that don’t seem like likely matches but I may meet for coffee anyway just to keep meeting men.

    You know what the hard part is? I like the new city that I’ve moved to just fine. But I don’t really want to live there. It’s the geographical equivalent of a guy who is doing all the right stuff and saying all the right stuff, and you know you SHOULD like him, you really SHOULD, and you hope that maybe you WILL like him more as time goes on. It’s just not at all what you thought you wanted. So you’re kind of surprised as you watch yourself move forward in it, and you’re kind of disappointed because you wish you had faith there was something better out there. Because even though he’s saying and doing the right things, part of you feels like you’re “settling.” And so that feels BAD. And then you just feel stupid for not wanting something, for feeling BAD about something that LOGICALLY you SHOULD want.

    Does anybody know what I’m talking about?

    There’s a place I want to live, the place where my house is, my poor empty house, where my life doesn’t work. It’s a dire job market and a worse dating pool. Low populating base, high heating oil prices. I tried that. It doesn’t work. So I will end up having to sell the beautiful home that I wanted to spend the rest of my life in.

    And there’s another place I want to live, but it’s in a different country and I can’t work there. I lived there before, when I was legally able to work there, and I loved it and didn’t want to come back. Now I can’t work there, though.

    So I feel thwarted, starting out to build a life in a place that isn’t my first or even second choice.

    I guess I should just give it a shot. There’s really no other option, at this point.

    I’ll go back there tomorrow.

  74.  #74Rori Raye on January 4, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Amelia, Welcome – and if you’d like some extra, personal help with the steps to take (once you’ve put all of the Tools in the Have The Relationship You Want ebook into practice…) check out my Certified Coaches (over in the right sidebar) – you can check them all out for free. Love, Rori

  75.  #75Helena Hart on January 4, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Millie – 68 – I can totally relate to this! When I was feeling insecure and “not good enough” (and we can all feel this way at times) I would attract people who would reflect that back to me. I’ve written about this – how the people who show up in our lives are a reflection of our “boy” energy – so if deep down we’re critical or judgmental of ourselves, we’ll attract people who will criticize and judge us.

    What was helpful for me was finding those parts of myself that I didn’t like – and embrace them and love them – rather than trying to stuff them down and run from them.

    What you wrote was so beautiful, it sounds like you’re on the right track. Awareness is the first step to turning everything around!

    Love, Helena

  76.  #76Angel on January 4, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    ” If you keep hammering at a piece of glass as if it were copper that’s aching to be sculpted – you end up with shards that hurt and make you bleed. ”

    This resonated so deeply with me today. I’ve come to realise a lot more as time go by that accepting things for what they are are not the same as accepting them as being right or necessary. That there is a difference between what is and what is right, and that I have spent too much time trying to find the right, and judge everything that comes along on a scale between right or wrong. It just is. I need what I need in a man, and I am a lot more sure about that now than I was before. I also feel that I don’t have to look at every guy I see and judge how right he is for me and if he is right enough and how I should think or what I should do about that. It feels nice.

  77.  #77Femininewoman on January 4, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    Angel I so get what you are saying. Somehow something clicked inside me today. I am more sure now than ever that I only want a man around me who is irresistibly attracted to me.

  78.  #78Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    I have a new man in my life. He came in pretty much as soon as C left. He was a friend, though not one I’d known for long, who came to visit me last weekend to see my horse, and just has not wanted to be parted from me since. He kissed me at the end of that first day, and it has just been waves of adoring love and affection and wanting to please me.

    I like him but am not bowled over by him, but it is hard not to respond and be receptive when someone seems to worship the ground you walk on and treats you so gently. He’s so sweet, and he’s intelligent and good looking and I do like him, though not in that excited, excitable way.

    What is easy about it is that he always wants to be with me, and always wants to do what I want, and I am the one having to exert a bit of space, which is a nice place to be.

  79.  #79Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    April Rose,

    Wonderful update 🙂

  80.  #80Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    The funny thing is, this new guy, I’ll call him Blue, with his consistent behavior and energy always coming towards me has brought into sharp contrast D’s treatment of me for a long time.

    I feel turned off by passive, indifferent behavior – by a guy who doesn’t ask a girl out, doesn’t phone her, doesn’t move the relationship forward, doesn’t require better of himself as a man on an ongoing basis. Who seems to expect that a relationship will exist with minimal effort and maximal selfishness on his part. By a man who will unhesitatingly point out the flaws of a woman whilst refusing to acknowledge his own.

    It feels… like I am worth so much more. That behavior is no longer alluring… it’s starting to be a turn-off.

  81.  #81Smile on January 4, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Dominique @ 48

    Thank you Dominique! I’m all calmed and relaxed now, everything is back to normal. In fact he even said lightheartedly it makes us a proper couple now we’ve finally had our first argument but now I’m stuck with him. Although I don’t want any more, lesson learnt there on choosing my words. He’s a very ‘together’ guy. He then proceeded to help me with my request for help and cooked me the most wonderful lunch. He goes out of his way to make me happy. And I’m soooo happy. Thank you again. 🙂

  82.  #82Smile on January 4, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Ooo indigo, I imagined you twirling round in the stables with your horse and blue, reveling in his affection! Enjoy 🙂

  83.  #83Smile on January 4, 2014 at 2:10 pm!Be-His-Princess-Not-His-Queen-/csw/C4077662-B64E-45A4-80C6-631B3E63A8C7

    I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop doing doing doing…. But there are two things I’m wondering about to allow me to do this. It seems silly to ask but most stuff I ‘do’ is around running the house ie cleaning etc. he does ‘do’ stuff and help all the time like Cook and tidy but some stuff he’s not about to do like clean the bathroom and hoover so I feel like it’s easier to just get on with those bits and ‘do’ rather than for me to stop doing and expect him to help in those areas. He has said if I want him to do anything to just ask. Which is what I did the other day but because he didn’t do it straight away I got frustrated, I needed help in that moment.

    I wonder how since we can’t stop ‘doing’ everything how much is compromise and a team effort? What do we stop doing? Hmmm…..

  84.  #84prplpsn28 on January 4, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    I have no clue what I’m doing. I didn’t break things off with H and we had a really good Christmas and New Years. There are so many things about him I love and he shows in many ways that he cares. Even with little things like the other day he cleaned the snow off my car and shoveled. Then there’s those times that I get triggered for reasons I can’t really figure out. Insecurities in myself I guess. And the nv’s take over. Still learning and trying to figure out how to deal with this. I’ve gotten better at choosing trust but not completely.

  85.  #85Helena Hart on January 4, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Smile – great question! I used to always be in “doing” mode – for me it was a “control” thing, and it was difficult to get out of that mode at first. Make sure to appreciate the things he does do for you – share how good it feels when he cooks for you, etc.

    If you’ve asked him to do something and he hasn’t done it – let’s say it’s taking out the trash – rather than nagging him about it, Rori suggests just letting the trash pile up – experiment with it! Eventually he’ll take it out, then you can show your appreciation.

    I’ve tried this and it worked, it made me aware of my inner “control freak” and gave me an opportunity to really feel those feelings – without acting OUT of them by taking my frustration out on him.

    Love, Helena

  86.  #86Smile on January 4, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Helena, thank you. Your response took me back to a previous relationship where I just quit washing up. Eventually every pot was used and he brought home some paper plates from his mums house! Ha ha, I can happily say that I’m not in that relationship and the man I have now is very willing to help. He does take out the rubbish ‘eventually’. It’s so relieving to know that now I have the tools and know NOT to act out my frustration. I’m sending lots of love to my inner control freak right now and need for my house to be beautifully presented all the time. Thank you.

  87.  #87Helena Hart on January 4, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    You’re very welcome! I LOVE this – “I’m sending lots of love to my inner control freak right now and need for my house to be beautifully presented all the time” – that’s so brilliant!!!

    Love, Helena

  88.  #88Smile on January 4, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    🙂 x

  89.  #89Dominique on January 4, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Indigo – 78 – I hope you give him a chance regardless. Those instant excitement feelings can often be addiction to something which has been familiar yet not good for you, eg. bad boys is a common one. You could look at this as bad for you boys.

    A slow growing, steady flame can and will burn and more brightly than a fireworks which often burn out quickly.

    I wasn’t hugely attracted to K at first. Physically aside from his height, he wasn’t at all “my type”. I made a conscious decision to give him a chance. I feel so happy I did. 🙂


  90.  #90Dominique on January 4, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Smile – 86 – YAY!!! You’ve put a smile on my face this evening.


  91.  #91Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    @Indigo Love it! Sooo glad to hear it! <3

    I know I'm having that issue with having to have space…. nice isn't it? With "M" the space was so big that I felt the need to be with him… I agree! It is a turn off for me! if a guy does minimal effort, and it is a turn off for me! if he is cheap…and it is a turn off if he is wanting me to take care of him….

    I'm taking the weekend off for me… didn't go dancing tonight, and I need it!!! I'm tired and exhausted and needing to be with ME… I miss me.. lately… feeling the need to nurture me…

    and I put off setting up things with girlfriends too…

    I'm just needing rest….lots of it…

    feeling more grief coming up around "M"… and I suppose that is natural??? I don't know… not that I want that back… just the grief from what I thought would be forever… and totally letting go!

    Here is to rest!!! and time off!


  92.  #92Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    @FW #77 So loved to hear that!!! Awesome! Me too!

    I want a man that finds me irresistible inside and out….


  93.  #93Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    This may sound like boy energy but for me… I feel it can be feminine energy when done that way…

    This is totally me.. though I don’t really consider it to be Bitch… this isn’t my writing. I got it off facebook…

    If being a Bitch means……

    Standing up for myself and my beliefs
    I stand up for those I love
    I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
    or do things my way.
    I won’t compromise what’s in my heart
    I live my life MY way
    I won’t allow anyone to step on me
    I refuse to tolerate injustice
    It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be ME
    So try and stomp on me, douse my inner flames, Squash every ounce of my beauty I hold within
    You won’t succeed!
    and if that makes me a B$tch so be it! I embrace the title and I’m proud to be a B$tch!

    I don’t know who wrote it… author unknown..


  94.  #94Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Well my post is in moderation… I’m not sure what words trigger it..

  95.  #95Lisa on January 4, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Emotions coming up inner control freak…

    Yoga helped… hummm wondering what to do TheWork on…

    What happens when I need to be in control…how do I treat ( men) in particular? What kind of things do I say or what kind of tone do I have when I say them… can they pick it up? Even when I don’t know what or why I just said that or how I just said it… see I keep it a secret even from myself…

    “are you just getting started?” I ask today? I wonder how that sounded… I was curious but was there a hidden meaning that I didn’t realize… a need to know …. I have no right to know……

    I notice that now…. could he notice the hidden subconscious tone? Was it a need to control?

    Am I scared and not acknowledging it and so I’m subconsciously sliding hidden tones in my voice?

    I need to be in control b/c that means?…………. I can’t be vulnerable… be out of control…… let life just happen….. and then what will happen if I stop controlling ( or trying to)…..

    it is a protective mechanism…. for what???

    I don’t want to be hurt?

    I need to control so I’m not surprised….. hurt again…

    Should I be vulnerable to a man I’ve never met yet…?? Put my heart into it… no matter what the outcome?

    be open, loving, vulnerable and accept what is….


    See what dating myself does… helps me connect to what’s really going on….


  96.  #96Helena Hart on January 4, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Lisa – this brings up a great point – that the INTENTION behind what we’re saying is more important than the words themselves, since men will be able to pick that up in our vibe.

    Asking a questions like, “Are you just getting started?” can come across in many different ways, depending on your intention behind it. If you’re genuinely curious, it will come across MUCH differently than if you’re “asking the innocent question” (one of Rori’s 4 Rules of what NOT to do).

    Believe it or not, being open and vulnerable is actually the best way to protect yourself – even though it sometimes doesn’t feel that way. And allowing yourself to “be surprised” (which is part of the Rori Raye mantra) is an amazing thing!

    When I’m feeling the need to control everything because I’m afraid of being hurt, I often ask myself, “Can I proceed and be open even though I’m afraid?” – and the answer is YES! Maybe that would be helpful for you to try.

    Love, Helena

  97.  #97Emerson on January 4, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    72 thanks Lisa!

    This article is so freeing….
    I really feel thankful for it and I really felt it last night when I just wanted some warmth of spirit and friendly company from somebody…and although some men were texting me they were not calling or showing up or asking me out…and it is FRIDAY night…wake up Emerson stop throwing your efforts at the wind!
    I felt free and bored all at once.

  98.  #98Emerson on January 4, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    I like my new job I feel like it’s making me a better person. It carries a high standard of conduct and I feel myself morphing into a better version of myself and the influence of my mentors is awesome.
    ExoticCD has been showing up consistently with a vibe of kindness, helpfulness, generosity and friendship.
    It’s funny I no longer feel a hot desire and “crush” for him…no longing or pining … But here he is lol…
    I do find him attractive every time I see him he’s looking sharp and handsome.
    I feel a sense of release from cutecityCD as he just is not showing up at all…
    I feel like meeting some new people…I’ve been taking care of myself getting my nails and hair done. I am also going dairy free and sugar free and feeling LOADS better!
    I do cheat with wine though, it has sugar lol

  99.  #99Emerson on January 4, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    I am looking for a new exercise hobby …maybe swimming

  100.  #100Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Thank you Smile, that’s what it was like 🙂

    It’s so nice to be able to share my passion (my horse) with a man. And him being so lovely to me made me feel melty, despite myself.

    I’m really glad you were able to ride out this bump in the road with ambulance… it’s hard to sometimes remember that it’s not the end of the world.

  101.  #101Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    Dominique 89,

    How right you are. Those excitable, addicted feelings are a slippery slope to something bad, so often. I only need to look at how addicted I was to D, and yet how badly he treated me, to know that something did not quite add up.

    Your story about K gives me hope 🙂 Blue is attractive, but not my usual type, and his adoration feels a bit foreign, though I know it is good for me.

    I will give him a chance 🙂 xx

  102.  #102Indigo on January 4, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    Lisa 91,

    Thank you, and totally agree with you!

    I love the feeling of missing me, of wanting to come back to me and take a little bit of solitary time. It’s very healing.

    And I agree with you about the minimal effort – there was a time I would find that somehow fascinating, it would tie me up in knots. I invested heavily in a man who wasn’t putting in the effort – all along thinking there was something I could do to change it, wanting, longing, chasing, nagging, allowing it to make me feel bad about myself. I really, really need to heal fully from that, and I look forward to doing so.

    Anyway, yes, effort is a turn-on! Minimal effort is a turn-off for me these days.

    Love to you! So excited for you with how your dating is turning out! x

  103.  #103Millie on January 5, 2014 at 1:40 am

    Ok so had a bit of a turn around today. Realized that whether this female friend of mine is truly my “friend” or not is a mood point. I need to be paying attention to how I feel and reacting accordingly. BUT I realized, what this woman was telling me makes sense! I got it! What she was advising me to do aligns a lot with the blog and Rori actually,not ALL, but a lot of it when it comes to being assertive about how you feel and honoring yourself. Which I haven’t been doing…or don’t really know how to do. I told her today that I feel some clarity and really get what she was telling me. She said, I will learn in my own time, as she did. I felt like that was an amazing comment. She is ten years older than me, so it is unreasonable to expect to be on her experience level, I’m just not. Anyway, that friendship is another story.

    So as a result of this–I can clearly see how I’ve botched this whole thing with Mechanic. He was/is attracted to me, he likes me, but from the beginning I have not guided it. I have at no point said what I WANT. I’ve only said I don’t want FWB, but I’m sure my vibe is saying otherwise because I’m seriously sexually attracted to him. It is HARD for me to resist that attraction to him, but I have to! I feel like a good exercise for me would be to replay the interaction between us and rewrite what I said/did. I’m realizing too, that a woman needs to be pursuable. I am not pursuable at this moment. Why? because I haven’t given him anything to pursue. I’ve gone out with him when it wasn’t a date. I’ve kissed and done sexual things when we clearly weren’t dating. Currently we are “friends” so yeah, why does he need to pursue me? Why does any man need to pursue me? SO— what can I do differently from the beginning in order to be pursuable? without game playing. Any thoughts?

  104.  #104Femininewoman on January 5, 2014 at 1:50 am

    Millie I just knew you would come to the realization. I have been that other woman with a friend. Just not older. She was mad at me but went to talk to her grandmother who was on her deathbed. Her grandmother told her only a true friend would tell you those things. You see as women we don’t see ourselves when we are chasing men. Society has taught us not to value ourselves. Society has taught us wrong when it comes to men.

  105.  #105Millie on January 5, 2014 at 1:55 am

    I’m going to do an exercise of changing my reaction to Mechanic that hopefully will help inspire him to pursue me….or another man, cuz I’m pretty sure this one is at the point of no return.

    1. When I was first getting to know him, we were texting.
    (I wish I had stated that I prefer direct conversation via phone call vs. texting)

    2. He asks me via text if I’m free that night. I am. So I go meet him at a restaurant. ( I wish I had said: Thank you for the invite, but I’m staying in tonight. I’d love to go out sometime with more notice. Or I could have asked him if this was a date. Or I could have simply said, I’d prefer if you picked me up.)

    3. He makes sexual passes. I DO tell him I don’t want anything casual and that I don’t sleep with men the first time I go out with them. So I did good there.

    4. He again asks me to dinner at a moments notice. I go. I have nothing planned, but he again asks me to meet him. ( I wish I had said no. How I’d say no, I’m not sure, but I wish I had said no, I’d feel better if you picked me up.)

    5. The texting continues. (I wish I had stopped replying and/or said I prefer phone conversations.)

    6. We fooled around a couple times. (I shouldn’t have done that if I don’t want FWB, but…..sigh..I wanted to.)

    7. I mentally gave up. I slept with him because I wanted to and for no other reason. I felt like shit the next day because I knew he didn’t care.

    Anyway, this is what is happening now….We are “friends.” which means basically that there is still an attraction, there is still a curiousity. Nothing has happened physically, but I feel like it will. He wants it. I can feel it, and I want it too. So I’m at this I tell him I want to go on a real date with him? Do I tell him that it is either that or just friends? That I can’t do in between. I already have told him I can’t do FWB, but I don’t think my vibe and energy is aligning with that. It’s that crossroads of telling him…the truth…and never being able to be friends. Or keeping the physical bounds and letting my attraction go? I don’t know.

  106.  #106Millie on January 5, 2014 at 2:07 am

    thank you….
    It’s strange when clarity hits.
    I feel like I’ve confused Mechanic, like he can’t row the boat because there is no compass…
    I need to say something to him…it can’t go on like this…ambiguity.

  107.  #107Femininewoman on January 5, 2014 at 4:10 am

    Millie I believe you have already said a lot. I am not seeing where that has changed anything. Are you prepared to walk away? “Men are champs at drawing things out”.

  108.  #108Indigo on January 5, 2014 at 4:42 am

    Millie, I agree with FW.

    I don’t know if there is any way you could go back and “redo” this without leaning forward, which will *not* help your cause at all.

    I believe that at this point, I would walk away, trusting that some time, much further down the road, I may get a do-over with this man. Remember that things happen for a reason and they happen to teach you, not everything is meant to be gone back on and fixed (major lesson for me as well).

  109.  #109Sunflower on January 5, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Happy New Year to all the sirens and hope it is filled with hope and possibilities and bliss.

    Here is something I have been wondering about.

    Rori says don’t be his friend.

    But what if a man says he wants to begin with friendship first. This is the second man who has told me this, saying that he is looking for a long term, and wants to go friends first to get to know me , and let it develop naturally.

    How I feel? I feel confused. At one level, I feel trust in such guys, and that feels good. It feels familiar like old style getting to know some one – as casual friends when you are in the same circle or in univeristy- before online happened.

    And then I have this experience from new age dating. which makes me feel doubt if he is attrcated to me. I feel doubt that maybe he is still hung up on his ex, or just stringing me along, or maybe he is in the closet. I feel confused if he is a good man or just not interested in me beyond a “friend” he likes? I wonder why he doesn’t want to kiss me? I wonder why he wants to meet me as casual friend?

    In a situation of deliberate dating/Cding which comes with online dating- I feel unsure how to deal with men who want to begin with friendship first? I don’t know if I should set time frame with them and for how long?

    Interestingly, both the men who have said this are older.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on January 5, 2014 at 6:05 am

    Sunflower that feels like a lot of analyzing. My first thought is cdate. When your calendar is full these guys will have no option but to work to elbow out others so they get time with you, Their actions will show their intentions.

  111.  #111Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Good morning sirens

  112.  #112Lisa on January 5, 2014 at 8:53 am


    I’ve had a few men do that… and it turned out ok… currently “D” is doing that in some ways…

    “M” took his time in kissing me… and I felt rejected even though he said ” I find you irresistible” and though he was amazing in bed and kissing was wonderful… he was just the kind of man that didn’t hop in bed with lots of women. So he wanted to take his time to be sure he wanted to be that with me first.

    though in my experience with older men, it could mean they have ED…Just for me, it would depend on their age… I had that with one man that was 12 years older than me….

    I think that generally speaking men that have been there done that, get to a point in their life where they don’t want to do games anymore and they truly are looking for that special someone and so they want to be friends first… I find that a turn on… but! being friends first with me, means I’m not off the market… until is more than friends…

    after I posted last night, I cried.. the realization of my inner control freak…. felt the calm and release and then “D” called! Perfect timing! I had only planned on talking 1 hr. and then doing TheWork…but it just flowed… and what seemed like 1 hr ended up being 5hrs. I was in shock when I got off the phone and it was 5hrs.

    I’m not getting attached, I’m not getting attached…. and he is leaving tomorrow to start his journey down.

    He says he is falling for me… already.. that I’m not like any other women he’s ever known that he didn’t know women like me existed…

    when he talks about his views.. I’m in awe they are my views… it’s hard to believe that we both are on the same page about so much… and yet, the personality stuff hasn’t set in… and so, no one knows what will happen when we are face to face…

    I have to say that each man that shows up is so much easier than the last… so much more in common, and so much more masculine, and better for me…

    “D” is turning me on… and he doesn’t even know it… just by what he says, and how he is.. and how well he listens to me, and responds……. and how he says my sounds make him melt…

    So, I’m not caught up b/c he isn’t here yet… but man part of me really wants this one to be REAL…

    “S” pretended to be active and listening and interested and that soon faded as things went on…

    I’m so looking for the MAN that doesn’t pretend…


  113.  #113Sunflower on January 5, 2014 at 11:15 am

    @lisa- I like this – “I find that a turn on… but! being friends first with me, means I’m not off the market… until is more than friends…

  114.  #114Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 11:38 am

    I’ve been processing some feelings of rejection and it’s very interesting how my fear of it bleeds into so many aspects of my life ….family, work, friendships, even simple transactions at a store….if I feel uncared for I am so sensitive to this rejection…
    I intend to overcome this.

  115.  #115Dominique on January 5, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Emerson – This isn’t exactly what you’re dealing with, yet it’s close. It may help.


  116.  #116Indigo on January 5, 2014 at 1:12 pm


    This: “I have to say that each man that shows up is so much easier than the last… so much more in common, and so much more masculine, and better for me… ”

    Yes 🙂

    I have never had so many arrows shot at me in one day. A guy from the other night asked me if I wanted to go to the water park at the beach today, and he asked me at such short notice that I couldn’t go even though I wanted to. Then I saw that same guy out at the pub tonight when my girlfriend invited me out for drinks. He was doing everything he could to get my attention, and finally said to keep Wednesday and Thursday open because he wanted to take me out on a date. Another guy, whom I have known and had a crush on for some time, saw all of this, and chatted with me the rest of the night and then *secured* a date with me for Wednesday night – dinner at a very fancy and expensive restaurant, and got my number.

    In the midst of all of this, Blue texted me asking whether I wanted to watch a movie with him and I had to reply that sadly, I was busy, as I had not known whether I would hear from him.

    Sigh 🙂

  117.  #117Indigo on January 5, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Oh, and also in the midst of all of this, C texted me for the first time in over a week, “hello, how are you”.

    No shortage of men here.

  118.  #118Millie on January 5, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Indigo and Femininewoman,

    I wasn’t really asking for a do-over with him, just what would I do different if a new man approaches me in the same way?
    I need to have some boundaries set before I even get to know the person….not try to set them after the fact.
    But in regards to him–yeah I’ve SAID a lot.
    With him I’m just going to do nothing.
    There are other guys calling me and I have so many other riches in life, it’s not even a matter of finding places to shift my energy. It will shift.

  119.  #119Millie on January 5, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    On another note…I put it out in the ether that when I give a man my # I prefer a phone call rather than texting. I said this on facebook commenting on a friend’s post and it’s kind of funny….within 24 hours two guys CALLED me. Not one….two! Wow.

  120.  #120Dominique on January 5, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Millie – 🙂 xxoo

  121.  #121Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    114 thanks Dominique you’re so thoughtful

  122.  #122Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Rori I finished the letter for 2014 ….it’s a letter to myself of sorts but I addressed it to you somehow that just felt OK 🙂
    I wrote about my job and education and finances…I also wrote about the man in my future who I will be with…affectionate generous and committed <3
    Can't wait to see what this year brings 🙂

  123.  #123Daria on January 5, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    yah thank u. I want to invest wisely

    was feelinh angry amd was feeling taken over by punishing him thpughts

    feeling open and hopeful now

  124.  #124Daria on January 5, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    I put in the effort and answered some pof contacts

  125.  #125Daria on January 5, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    I remember when I came back from Romania how easy it was to notice the vibe difference in myself when contacting men (even friends) vs leaning back and not initiating with men at all

    the not initiating felt so much more at ease and flowy

  126.  #126Daria on January 5, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    and it kept me focusing on the stuff I wanted to get done for myself

    all the lean forward ive been doing I feel so addicted to

    I don’t hav anyone to lean forward to right now lol that ffeels comfortable to
    I feel so much leass high value right noe

    I want to turn all this around

  127.  #127Tereana on January 5, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Daria’s back!!

  128.  #128Tereana on January 5, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    How is everyone!!

    I had my first bonafide date in a while today. And it as perfect – coffee date, lasting just over an hour. Actually, at about the hour mark, I felt myself starting to feel antsy. I was wanting to check the clock, and we had just gotten some pastries and I noticed that his eating was bothering me. But then I realized that it was just that I didn’t want to spend too much time with him on the first date. I didn’t think he was awful and I wanted to run away or anything. He was actually pretty nice. I just had the strong sense that I didn’t want to drag it out.

    Luckily, I had an excuse. I was dropping something over to a friend’s house in the next town. So I had a reason to get away.

    He didn’t exactly ask me out a second time, but he said that I “knew how to get in touch with him.” I said the same, of course. He gave me two hugs. I figure that’s a good sign. And he was pretty cute. Not like, blockbuster, get out your cameras cute, but cute.

    I did text him later to say thank you. And he texted back. So I figure that’s enough for now. It was good practice. I did get a little rusty.

    S is still on my mind a bit. Orchidman is back in the picture, but strictly as a friend, we agree. Except we always end up texting about sexy things, but I only let it go so far. It’s fun. But we both feel strongly that friends is best. So it’s a nice low-pressure outlet. Plus he’s very far away…

    Well, good night, sirens. It feels nice to accept my non-perfectness and date as just exactly who I am. And it lets me be open to a guy not being exactly perfect either. Because anyway, who is?

    Just my thought for the evening.

    Sweet Dreams!!

  129.  #129Indigo on January 5, 2014 at 8:49 pm


    Daria, I so agree with you. I have found that when I focus on my feminine power, on who being a siren, on who I want to be as a woman, instead of going out “looking for a man”, men just flow into my life.

    I’ve found that ever since I broke up with D, there has just been a constant flow of men, men who want to please me, men who want to make more effort than he ever did. And I haven’t had to do anything. I’ve tried to just keep the focus on me – on my feelings, and who I want to be.

  130.  #130Indigo on January 5, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    It does seem that Blue is assuming an “instant relationship”, he’s talking about us sort of as though we’re an exclusive couple, even though we’ve never had that conversation, and our time together has become sort of comfortable, more mundane stuff rather than dates.

    I don’t want an instant relationship, it feels too intense at this early stage. It felt so light and fun last night to have guys flirting with me and asking me out, and I realize I want more of that.

    Anyone have any suggestions on how to script that? Or do I even need to?

  131.  #131Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I may end up quitting my second job and replace it with a job that is less stressful …
    I am determined in 2014 to only do things and continue things that are beneficial…in a practical way…
    And I don’t want to waste time with things that drag me down.
    I already started brainstorming about potential “fun” jobs!!!

  132.  #132Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    128 wow indigo that’s really great and amazing !! I want that

  133.  #133Emerson on January 5, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    I feel thankful I’m starting out this new year with so much good change!

  134.  #134Kath on January 6, 2014 at 2:29 am

    Its a long way back now but thank you Dominique- I do have a question though- what if I am mirroring his feelings?- He is the one who gets very impatient when I bring up feelings and emotions and he is very quick to come out with the phrase “You need to..”- I always try and keep what I say to “I need to, I would like to” and don’t make any demands-but he always interprets that I do. When we had a conversation recently he floored me by saying that I pushed him into doing things he wasn’t ready to do!- I was astounded!- I had no idea that’s how he felt. I have always felt that it was him leading the way in the relationship and making me do things I wasn’t quite ready for. It has taken me a couple of days to process what he said and in the meantime there have been a couple of instances where he has really snapped at me and I have said I didn’t like being spoken to in that manner and he accused me of being rude to him!- I honestly didn’t think I had been rude!- So I asked him whether he thought that him snapping at me justified his thought of me being rude to him- but he didn’t answer. I also got annoyed because after apologising (for something I didn’t think I had done!) and saying what had upset me about his bahaviour, I still haven’t had an apology from him!- This is a pattern of behaviour which really irritates me as he hardly ever apologises for things that I have said have upset or annoyed me. He has even said before that he has nothing to apologise for-even when I have said calmly to him what has upset or annoyed me!- So I shut down. I cannot be affectionate and loving towards him when I resent his arrogance and his apparent disregard for the way I feel. This is now being compounded by his two meanings of the word “we”. In one example he uses “we” to mean him and his x-wife (they have been apart for 8yrs now) and then the other meaning of “we” is me and him. I am getting very bored with hearing him still use “we” to mean him and his x-wife and don’t know how to approach the subject with him as he gets really annoyed and starts saying that I am the one with the problem. I don’t think it is me who has the problem, it is him who can’t disconnect from her. I do feel this situation is now getting escalated and I just want to be able to discuss things with him in a rational and calm way- How can I do that when he always tries to twist things and say that the problem is all me????

  135.  #135Tereana on January 6, 2014 at 3:34 am

    So I have this letter to S, sitting on my desktop. I slept on it, then I woke up and thought to myself, “It’s too thinky. I’m better off not sending anything.” That is probably true.

    Am I right, Dominique??

    But it’s a such a good letter. It says everything that I want to say, so beautifully. It is not overly thinky, as I thought. It includes feelings and observation. It is straightforward and to the point. And the bottom line is, I know that we can’t be partners, for several different reasons, but I would still like him in my life. As friends, whatever. He feels like a friend. I miss him. And I’m not worried about dating. I am attractive to many men, and I will find a good partner. I’m going through everything that I need to go through to get me there.

    I haven’t sent it yet. I’ll go through my day and sit on it some more. Maybe I never will. But at least I feel better having written it…

  136.  #136Tereana on January 6, 2014 at 3:36 am

    Emerson – 130: Yay!

    That sounds awesome. Always good to fill your life with what feels positive and beneficial : )

    Me, I already started browsing some jobs in Chicago. Every time I think about it, I feel happy. Maybe I’ll move there sooner than I expected! But who knows. Who really knows? We’ll see what comes up…

    Hope you find something good! 🙂

  137.  #137Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 5:18 am

    Kath – 133 – How about agreeing with him? Agree with everything. For one this will totally disarm him. For another, somewhere there may be a grain of truth to what he’s saying, if only for himself, and his views are just as valid as yours even if you don’t really agree with him. And you might also look inside to see if any is indeed true. If not, then not, and he is projecting his stuff onto you. It’s still worth a look. You may feel surprised.

    I feel curious though how you are really speaking to him. He’s claiming he feels pressured, demands being made. For me the phrase – I need – sounds demanding. How about instead – It would feel so good – and then drop any expectation around whatever it is that would feel good to you.

    If there is something he used to do that he no longer does, you can try saying this – Remember when….I loved that. I miss it.

    It seems as though you are looking to him to be something he isn’t, at least not at the moment. How about asking yourself this – Can I love and accept him just as he is right now?

    If you can’t, then there’s nothing more to say. If you can though and along with this release your expectations around what you think you want in him, he may surprise you. He may not though, and then this relationship may need some rethinking.

    Here’s the third in a series I wrote on expectations. Maybe this will help.


  138.  #138Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 5:22 am

    Tereana – 134 – Likely yes you are right. Writing letters is a wonderfully therapeutic thing to do to get things out of you. It’s not the best idea to send them or give them. Meaning can be lost or misinterpreted. Face to face is the preferred way to go. You get to be real and authentic even if this means shaking as you speak. You also get to see his reactions. You both get to feel each other.

    If it’s a great letter, edit it down, for shorter is better, and memorize it to the best of your ability.


  139.  #139Kath on January 6, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Thank you Dominique!- I truly love your wisdom!- You are right- I have been putting expectations on him and “us” and it does really boil down to the fact that I am scared. We are currently looking for a house to buy together and I happened to say to him that I thought I wouldn’t buy another house with someone unless we were getting married. That’s when he accused me of pushing him. I suppose I was, though I didn’t mean to- In my world I was simply saying what I felt-but I can see how he could have read it as such. I then started beating myself up for doing that and needed a day on my own just to think things through- only he caught me in tears and tried to ask what was wrong but I said I was just down and that I’d be fine. I still haven’t really voiced what I felt and I should do-but I really don’t want to fall out with him and I need to think about how I say it. He unfortunately puts my frustrated outburst sometimes to hormones!- and that does irritate me!-

  140.  #140Femininewoman on January 6, 2014 at 7:44 am

    Kath – “happened to say to him that I thought I wouldn’t buy another house with someone unless we were getting married.”

    It seems to me that your fear is driving you here. Maybe because you are breaking your own boundaries. Only you can decide what your values are and if you don’t want to buy a house with someone you are not married to then you have to honor yourself. You can’t agree to do it and then turn around and resent the person because you are doing it to please him. If you have participated in such an arrangement before that you got burnt with obviously that hurt has not yet healed, is what I think. Buying a home is a huge investment and it does indicate a commitment. Maybe it is his way of committing to the relationship but it seems it is not enough for you. Have you explored what it is you need in a committed relationship?

  141.  #141Kath on January 6, 2014 at 8:19 am

    FW, I am not looking at things in the right way am I?- You’re right, I should see that it is my fear of buying a house that is paramount here. He thinks that buying a house is a huge commitment and that marriage won’t make him love me more- but I interpret that to mean that he doesn’t want to face the backlash from her if he does get married again. Its just that he’s not said that he wants to marry me recently- he did at first and we even planned the wedding we would have- I thought by him getting his divorce and me listening to all the stories about his marriage (mostly bad!) he would be moving on and finding a way for us to progress- and it isn’t quite how I thought it would be.

  142.  #142Femininewoman on January 6, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Kath – He thinks that buying a house is a huge commitment and that marriage won’t make him love me more.

    I think he is right. I totally agree with him here. This is how he feels right now. Your interpretations don’t really matter. Look at your boundaries and what you want in your life? Look at his actions and see if they are enough? Also look at how you are feeling. I am really getting a sense that the crux of the matter here is about what is happening inside of you. Is this relationship really good enough for you?

  143.  #143Kath on January 6, 2014 at 8:48 am

    FW, You’ve got it!- I am 46 now, have been married, no children, got pregnant before I met my now partner and took the tough decision to have an abortion- part of me really really regrets that. I look at the relationship I have now and it is what I want- but I am constantly reminded that he had a life before and I sometimes feel as though I am the cuckoo in the nest. His xwife has basically told me to but out of any talks about “family” which made me feel very much on the outside- and to me was her attempt to exert power-I feel that he would respond to her clicking her fingers before me, that’s the crux of it.

  144.  #144Indigo on January 6, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Excellent advice, FW in 142.

    I have to say it was helpful for me too.

    Dominique, thanks also for 137, I found it really helpful.

  145.  #145Femininewoman on January 6, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Kath if that is the crux of it, how then can you say it is the relationship you want? What you are saying, I am interpretting as him having her on a pedestal. Not you.

  146.  #146Femininewoman on January 6, 2014 at 8:57 am

    I would want to be in a position where I can choose to totally take my attention of what he is doing with her.

  147.  #147Kath on January 6, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Hmm, yes- it should be that way shouldn’t it- This all stems from problems we had last year when we had a disagreement about him driving to their son’s family with her to deliver her xmas presents to the grandchildren. Bear in mind that he had painted a picture of her to me that she was loopy and that she always made him angry and how they couldn’t be in the same room together and then all of a sudden he’s asking me if I’m ok with him going to their son’s with her!- when I asked him why he would do that after everything he said, he got angry and told me it was my problem and he couldn ‘t see a problem with it. He didn’t go in the end, but he then text her to see if she would be going to same party as we planned to go to and said how good it would be to see her. I challenged him again because this time she told me how surprised she had been to receive the text. Then at his daughter’s wedding the xwife just happened to wear the colour dress that is his favourite even though it wasn’t anything to do with the bride’s colour scheme!- Perhaps I am being over sensitive, insecure, but I do need to honour myself more- I will have to think about all this again with the wonderful insight you have given me- I am too deeply in it!

  148.  #148Indigo on January 6, 2014 at 10:33 am

    Emerson 🙂

    It has come the more comfortable I’ve felt with who I am, and with my femininity.

  149.  #149Emerson on January 6, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    I’m proud if myself I told a cd I don’t want to text and he never called but it’s ok I am not lifting a finger….
    I am very piney today over cutecityCD but he is silent…I’m on my period though so that is probably why I feel this way.

  150.  #150Mandy on January 6, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    This is a great post by Rori.

    I feel so down today…less than…and it’s because of how society programmed me to want a perfect body so I can seduce my man. All throughout childhood and adulthood I have been harshly criticized because of my extra weight, and although I’ve just lost 40 lbs, I still feel awful and unnoticeable, especially when J and I are watching TV or movies and there’s a sexy scene of a woman, and he likes it. I may like it too, but the deal is, the nasty voice pops up, in my mind, saying “You’ll never be that for your man, because you have dimples in your butt, untoned slack muscles, and you’re doomed to always have them, that’s why the scene is stealing his attention away from you”.

    Sounds crazy. But that’s really how I feel…..incredibly, deeply. Also I feel weird inside, like a total geek. I feel like when I was in gradeschool and the class made fun of me for being shy and feeling awkward. Coming out and typing that and then reading it, I feel even more stupid and awkward.

    I recently went to a party without my guy and for some reason I have that awkwardness still. (Which I had diagnosed as an attention disorder related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was a teenager (The tendency to interrupt and talk a lot, not being able to mind certain unwritten social rules, etc.)
    I feel the same way there at the party, awkward, shy, nervous, and felt paranoid everyone was annoyed with me.
    This type of thing leaks into one’s relationship and I feel it can be very yucky.

    I SO don’t want to feel this way in front of J. I want him to see me shine and be happy and have pleasant moments with me. I feel he would never judge me because he is an incredibly understanding individual who has had bullying experiences himself and doesn’t stand for people being mean to people who feel to be the oddball in every situation…

    I realize even at 32 though I feel this awkwardness and I want it gone forever. I can’t feel like a Siren with this awkwardness. I know this was touched on in Love Scripts and boy am I still struggling with it. My heart just feels so frustrated and heavy and I feel like I always need to prove myself to everyone.

    How do I get rid of it?

  151.  #151Lou on January 6, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Hi All,

    I am totally new to this so please bare with me.

    Im feeling really confused and kind of shell shocked at my current situation. At the same time i am feeling empowered and excited!

    I think i have just set up circular dating in my relationship.

    I had the most amazing short relationship, we both had never felt this way before. Things were moving very quickly, totally led by him, he freaked out and left. I always new it wasn’t over but just tried to move on with my life believing what will be will be.

    He came back saying he had made a mistake. I made it clear i did not want casual as my feelings were still strong for him and i would only go ahead with this if he thought there was a possibility of a future together. I was trying to protect myself. He agreed and said he would not be back if he wasn’t sure.
    He almost instantly started pulling away and distanced himself.
    It has been 6 weeks. We are still amazing when we are together as it always was, we both feel it.
    I went back into my boy energy and wanted an explanation of what was happening. I told him i want a committed relationship with no pressure, he said he wasn’t sure he wants a relationship with anyone at all anymore. I know his fear is holding him back.
    This was a week ago. We spoke last night and he told me he does not want a relationship and he feels disillusioned by relationships altogether. He came back because he misses me so much.
    I told him i need to move forward with my life, i want to be with him but if he can’t commit to the relationship then i need to move on start meeting and dating other people yet still want to date him as i love spending time with him.
    Much to my surprise he agreed!
    By circular dating i know that i am opening up the opportunities to learn and possibly meet Mr Right, this feels good and exciting.
    To be honest i am also feeling hopeful that this might help my ex/whatever he is, to step up and commit to me.
    Has anybody else been in this position?

    What are the rules with sex in this situation?

  152.  #152Amber on January 6, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Welcome, Lou
    I am in almost EXACTLY this same situation. Nice to know I’m not the only one. All I can say is keep CDing and focusing all of your energy on YOU! Anytime you need to vent, feel free! Everyone has probably moved to the next blog so if you haven’t already I would suggest reposing your comment there, also.


  153.  #153Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Mandy – 150 – I’m SO sorry you are dealing with this oh so common and painful insecurity. I think most every woman can relate. Maybe this will help.


  154.  #154Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    This one as well –


  155.  #155Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Lou – There are no “rules” around sex. If you feel good having sex with a man, then do so. If you don’t want to become emotionally attached, then wait, for most women will after sex. Try listening to your deep er self around this and what feels best for you. There are no mistakes here, only learning and growing experiences.


  156.  #156Amber on January 6, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    Thanks for reminding me of this, also!

  157.  #157Dominique on January 6, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    Amber – 🙂


  158.  #158Tereana on January 6, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Lisa – 67 – I just want to give you a big hug!!


    Dating is really hard on me, too. I am also ultra-sensitive and even friendships can be hard. It really, really, is a challenge. But I also know it is possible to find real and deep and satisfying love – even more so because we are sensitive. And I have a good friend who is sensitive, too, and her man is totally attentive to her needs, and such a great husband to her. He was really patient, and she has really opened up and relaxed through the relationship. It’s been beautiful to watch, and I am both a little jealous and not. It’s hard to be jealous when she is just so happy, and it’s the kind of happy that says, “This is available to you, too.” So it’s more like hope. If she can be happy, and be sensitive, we can, too 🙂

    But yeah. We totally need to stop looking for it to come from all the wrong people. Lol

  159.  #159Tereana on January 6, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    Mandy – I love Dominique’s articles, and I loved what you wrote, too. It was beautifully articulated. I was listening to Deepak Chopra yesterday, and he was talking about how there is the “you” that changes – your body, your mind, your thoughts, etc. – and there is the “you” that observes all these changes, and is always there, and is eternal. The “you” see how shy you are, but that “you” isn’t shyness. That “you” is beyond all labels and distinctions and literally cannot be compared with any other woman or man on the planet. You are totally and completely unique and there is no comparison, and you are totally and completely worthy even with all of it, the dimples, the whatever, the whatever.

    AND of COURSE you can be totally sireny when you are feeling awkward and strange and socially inept. The way isn’t to go around it or “get rid of it.” Just really feel those feelings. Embody them. Let them be there. Go THROUGH them. You won’t get rid of them. But you’ll find something fun and awesome on the other side – which is also you : )

    Make sense? 🙂

  160.  #160Mandy on January 6, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    Thank you Dominique and Tereana,

    I will read these articles and come back to follow up on it.

    I DO intend to just really feel those feelings. and embody them. I know I was good at it in highschool…lol!

    I need to feel it and sink into that deep ocean of emotion, stay there for as long as possible then imagine being buoyant and floating above even the biggest crashes of emotional waves. It can be so hard to meditate this way with distractions. But I also need to remember to reward myself when I do well.

    I may need more info.

  161.  #161DragonFly on January 7, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    Hello Ladies!
    Pleasure to be here with you!
    I am in a similar situation… 🙁

  162.  #162Julie on January 9, 2014 at 2:10 am

    Hello please help!

    I am not beating myself up but questioning my reactions….was it too much?
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years…yes I know its time definitely for commitment.
    We are in our early 50’s both been married before ..yes both been cheated on.
    When we met we were both coming to the end of 5 year relationships..yes so far equal.
    It took us a quite a while to get over our exes.
    So really feel we have only been dating for maybe 1.5 years!
    We both live in separate homes 16 miles apart.
    Now agreed to sell up and buy one house together.
    Ok deep down I was hoping that this Christmas an engagement ring would be given to me.
    No it did not happen!
    During our relationship we have both agreed that we may consider marrying again.
    During a week away end of November we were looking at rings in the jewelry shops he did not discourage this. In fact suggest seemed interested.
    He had not proposed though!
    Christmas day came he got out the bucksfizz ( thats a first)..brought it upstairs with my presents.
    We gave each other the presents…the last one he gave me was a ring box. I opened it to find it was a pretty dress ring but not an engagement ring. I felt deflated but tried not to show it.
    He was slightly disappointed with his last present and expressed this. I then expressed my feelings on how I hoped my ring was a different one.
    He lost it…got really angry ! Said he had got my hints and knew what I wanted….and said I had ruined any plans he had! He stomped off angrily. Left me feeling really hurt.
    After he calmed down he said if he were to loose me it would destroy him and he loves me so very much. He also said I must just go with things and enjoy it and all will be well.

    Maybe I blew it! My birthday came 2 days later ring..N Y came no ring.
    Now I am quiet and not going to mention it again.

    We have been chatting about areas to live in and had a drive around since. He brought the subject up first.

    Please advise….would love to have some help and comments ! Feel sad but trying to focus on me and carry on with work..etc. Oh its so painful. 🙁

    ( His sister has said to me she knows he does not want to loose me..he loves me a lot..but she wonders if he is v scared about moving forward…..but the fact he is even talking about it and looking at areas is a big step for him! She feels its good so far and very positive.

  163.  #163Dominique on January 9, 2014 at 7:43 am

    Julie – Why the focus on a ring? Do you have the relationship you want? Isn’t this the most important thing? He’s committed to you. You’re buying a house together. Isn’t this wonderful?

    Truly 1 1/1 years is not a long time together either, especially the older one is.

    I found for myself when I truly let go of wanting to get married, of having that ring, when I decided to love and accept K just as he is since in every other way I did have the relationship I had dreamed of and then some, first of all the energy shifted between us in some really wonderful ways.

    Secondly, I got my gorgeous ring eventually though it was not an engagement ring but a birthday gift. I was thrilled nonetheless. Last year out of nowhere he proposed, and we are almost twelve years together.

    Ask yourself if the marriage and the ring is truly that important. If it is, then it is. Yet if it isn’t, can you let this go, and simply BE with him. He’s wonderful in every way, yes?

    And who knows, your story may end up unfolding similarly to mine.


  164.  #164Julie on January 10, 2014 at 12:28 am

    Hi Dominique

    Thank you very much for your comments and advise.
    Maybe you are right perhaps I have been focusing too much on having a ring. Perhaps I am somewhat a traditionalist and a romantic at heart. Guess I have been thinking a ring means a definite commitment but the fact he is looking at where we can live is a definite step forward. It may take a while to sell two houses and find the right place to live could be a couple of years. It seems such a long time off but hopefully will be worth waiting for.
    I certainly do not want to put any pressure on him and have expressed that.
    I will try and do as you have suggested relax and enjoy the relationship without too much expectation.
    I do love him a lot and know he loves me too we express it often. We have had our ups and downs and lots of baggage to sort through and feel there is still some yet to be sorted. You are probably right about the time as when we are older there is definitely more to work through. He seems to put his wall up less and less and we connect a lot more often than we did. Its also taken me a long time to trust again and I am better than I was.
    Be a shame to ruin it all now We are further along the road.
    I will focus on all the positive things in the relationship and enjoy it for what it is now and look forward to looking at houses together. 🙂
    Thank you again
    Love and Light

  165.  #165Dominique on January 10, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Julie – This article doesn’t exactly apply to your situation, yet it does have aspects which may help you.


  166.  #166Amanda on January 11, 2014 at 7:24 am

    Thank you for responding to my letter in such beautiful detail. It is very helpful and insightful – and has given me much to refocus on.

    There is, however, one part that feels so confusing to me. In this last relationship (and a few others), the ‘investment’ felt good. I felt good about him, and felt even better about me and how he was treating me most of the time.

    It’s just that in one ‘instant’, he ‘flipped on a dime’. Literally, the moment things felt ‘real’ (to both of us), he ended it. And I’ve experienced this in the past when a man is proving himself as a ‘good investment’ only to pull the rug out at the last minute with only a moments notice.

    I have no idea how to figure out whose a good investment anymore when it just changes in an instant. What am I missing?

    Much gratitude and blessings…

  167.  #167Rori Raye on January 11, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Amanda – great question – and the simple answer is – if you have experience that you’re “picker” or “gauger” is off – then DON’T INVEST until you get a RING!!!! Just keep Circular Dating. Then men know what they need to do to keep you from dating other men. Love, Rori

  168.  #168Anna on January 12, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I feel the same sadness and confusion Amanda describes. I feel I am unearthing a well of pain as I go through your programs…a well of sadness, anger and guilt that I did not know existed.

    I feel terrified by the realization that I have been closed to receiving, and have pushed away several good men without realizing it in the moment. I am terrified by the pain I am unearthing. I feel deeply, and I shut down when a man gets too close. I have had several good men show up in my life, and the pattern is always the same: they pursue; I feel open; they lean in; I shut down; they withdraw. I feel hopeful about your programs but also terrified. I feel I am on the verge of something changing in me for the better as I go through your programs, but I am also having trouble, preoccupied as I am by my last relationship.

    Two years ago I met a man (I will call him “L”) with whom I felt, and still feel, a beautiful connection. He seemed vulnerable and fragile to me when we first met, but he gave. I started to feel deeply for him..and then I shut down. It felt like a hatchet dropping – to the point where I felt it pysically happening and almost on a dime. I created a cavernous distance between him and me…literally! This “distancing” happened to me once before with another man with whom I felt a similar connection over ten years ago. I felt the exact same terrifying shut-down but didn’t realize it until after I went through this last shut-down with “L”.

    The shut-down is so extreme. I even physically move away from the men I am with.. If we are on a date I will literally find myself walking away and going to stand on my own…for e.g. if we are at a concert, I will disappear into the crowd and stand on my own; or if we are waiting for the subway together, I will move away from them further down the platform!! It just happens! When it happens I feel anger, rage or numb… It is completely baffling! When I did this to “L” it was during one of my visits to him (he lives overseas)… After it happened, we parted and did not speak about another visit. In our weeks apart, something happened in me. My fears and love for him started to sink in and then surface. I couldn’t believe what I was learning about myself – that I was terrified of love.

    I spoke to him about my feelings. I told him I loved him but felt afraid. He was gentle and patient in hearing me out. He was honest and said where he he had “felt sure about me” he no longer did. This was one year ago. Since then I feel I have been trying to make up for my shutdown (I gather you’ll describe this as leaning in!). I suggested and planned all our meetings even though I knew he didn’t feel sure about seeing me again. In all this time I feel he has not come back to me.. For the last year he has been on the edge, vacillating in and out…wanting but afraid. He keeps in touch almost daily…but he never speaks about a future together. We travelled together to see his family in the fall. Afterwards, he seemed softer and more open. But when it came to making plans for Christmas, he would not bring it up. I did…over and over…(again I leaned in!!). Finally he told me he loved me but felt overwhelmed. He said his mind was like a storage room full of boxes strewn about and spilling over. He said he cannot give me the relationship he feels I deserve. That he is afraid to get hurt. I was so hurt and angry by his response that I asked him not to contacting me again.

    Over Christmas he leaned in again, and has started to contact me again. He learned that I am dating other men (I am circular dating) and said he felt jealous. Now I am scheduled to travel and will be very close to where he currently lives. Should I tell him? Should I propose a visit? What should I do overall? Should I let this one go completely…

    I feel I no longer know who to invest in..though as I write this I realize the answer is to invest in me. But I don’t know how under a particular situation I am in.

    Thank you Rori…I feel so grateful to have found you.

  169.  #169Rori Raye on January 12, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Anna –
    Brava to you for being willing to experience the pain. It’s not the pain that separates us from living fully – it’s our defenses against going INTO the pain (not analyzing it, re-experiencing it, digging it up – none of that – just FEELING whatever we feel when memories wash over us, when thoughts come up…) – love, Rori

  170.  #170T. Bradley on January 16, 2014 at 8:34 am

    I met this guy almost 2 years ago. He was getting ready to go thru a divorce.

  171.  #171T. Bradley on January 16, 2014 at 8:47 am

    I met this guy almost 2 years ago. He was getting ready to go thru a divorce, it was actually filed 2 months after we started talking. As time passed we talked and did other things together. I felt like he wasnt over his ex because they had been married 4 years and dated for 9 years. She is 17 years older than him. I ended up pregante from him a while after we started and soon after that he started acting kinda funny. He did admit that he wanted her back. So I called her and told her about us and asked if anything was going on with them. We talked and he got very upset with me and wouldnt talk to me for about 2 months. He finally called and asked me out and we started back from there. We was getting alone very good and was talking about marriage, family, vacations and everything else. He told me he was over his ex and wanted to move on with his life. So she called him after they hadnt talked for a little while asking who he was with and he told her me and she got upset and called me talking about all the messages he had sent her and she was breagging how he will always love her, and how if she calls he will drop everything to come to her. That upset me but i didnt show it. So me and him made plans for the xmas holidays and the Monday before xmas he told me not to contact him again, we had been doing good and when he said that it was just hours before we had just talked. When I called him that same day he told me I just got off the phone with my ex and I just cant talk to you again. He called my phone a week later for sex and i fell for it. I called the ex again and I told her everything, i’m sure she told him but he wont say a word to me. She told him to live his life but gets mad when he does that. What should I do? I really love this guy.

  172.  #172Julie on January 17, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Hello Dominique

    Thank you very much for sending the link.
    It is really very helpful.
    Love and Light

  173.  #173tania kay on January 21, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Hi Rori and Amanda,

    I am happily married now to a true blue man, even tho he still presses all my buttons. ;0)
    I would not be here if not for Roris programs.
    My happy story aside i remember a very topsy turvy relationship that finally and dramatically ended, pre rori, and how i coped. i am a very strong person, overly positive, and driven anyway i thought this might help.
    I started swimming laps every morning, crying as i swam. I allowed this, it was raw emotion. I could not stop thinking about this man. I said to myself it is ok one day i will swim my laps and not think about him its just not today. And sure enough day by day i went one lap then two before i thought about him. I remember the day happily when i finished my 2 k swim and didn’t think of him once.
    Moral being “this to will pass”. Allow yourself to feel everything even pain and saddness and keep living until u forget to feel pain one day.
    Also Rori please can u share more about being happily married and lessons about this. l have a 2yr old boy and twin girl 3months old. To say the least things have changed, but no matter how caught up i get in life i always revert back to your tools and we talk it out and are happy. More marriage tools please…xx
    Love long time reader Tania.
    By the way i am 44 so have lived and survived many challenges to.

  174.  #174T. Bradley on January 22, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Tani Kay,
    Im kinda in the same boat. I know that this will pass but how do I get over someone im in love with?

  175.  #175Hazel on January 22, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    He does not even pay attention to any of my attempts. I dont feel bad about this. Things were so vague. Obviously, he has his requirements, biological that i cant meet due to age. I wish him luck to deserve the woman of his dreams. Maybe someone out there, I can meet someone.

  176.  #176Rori Raye on January 23, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Hazel, Welcome (I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy and safety) – and you sound wonderful, and I know you’ll find new ideas and the support you need here in this great community. Love, Rori

  177.  #177tania kay on January 23, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    What can I say,
    U just Do
    just keep going on.
    People fall in and out of love everyday.
    Think of all the people who say ,”Id die if so and so left me”,
    then 3 yrs down the track they want a divorced.
    Its just harder when someone cuts the process short for you.
    Im very lucky to be such a positive person, but i have been heart broken many times. People can hurt. Find an activity that takes your mind away for awhile, then one day u will just surprise yourself at how down u were about someone else, they will mean less and less to u over time.
    And as Rori says you will only be sad until until you love again. Crazy cycle but enjoy each layer, even the sadness. allow yourself to feel sad and sorry for yourself , then snap out of it. Its all in your mind anyway. Life is great that way it will always support what you want to believe. Always.
    So just choose to believe you can survive this and do better.
    Hope this helps.

  178.  #178T. Bradley on January 24, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Tania Kay,
    I really do appreciate the kind words. Im trying every day to move on with my life. I just feel so bad how he did things, but eventually I will get over this hurt. I just think about the last time we atopped for about 2 months and took him back and he told me he would never hurt me again but wouldnt you know hw has done it again. His ex is just so manipulative and he falls for it every single time!

  179.  #179Femininewoman on January 24, 2014 at 10:52 am

    T Bradley if I may weigh in the ex does what she knows works with him. I would drop the manipulative criticism about her if I were you because she is creating what she wants in her life and that energy obviously works in that relationship between them. There might be a lesson there that could be learned. Trust that he is not blind to what she is doing and obviously it is what he wants to choose to respond to. Take your energy back onto yourself.

    Also may I suggest that you contribute on the most recent blog? Most people are over there.

  180.  #180T. Bradley on January 24, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Thanks for the advise. And im new to this so what is the most recent blog? And how do I get to it?

  181.  #181tania kay on January 24, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    T. Bradley,
    I agree with what fw says.
    He is obviously still stuck on ex anyway and the way she acts. She is obviously in tune wth her feminine power.
    There are no enemies against you. What he did hurt yes, but it is you that allowed him to do it again. Take back your power and be responsible for your own relationships. Work out your boundaries and stick to them even if it hurts to stay strong. Men respect a women who sticks to her boundaries and wont allow him to push them.
    The new blog is the latest one rori has sent you if you prescribed to newsletters.

  182.  #182Femininewoman on January 25, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Look to the bottom you will see Back to Home click on that. Or look to the right if the screen to see Recent Comments click on that.

  183.  #183Mandy on January 25, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    Quick note to the Sirens…

    I feel policed…monitored…it’s like I can’t do anything without my man’s permission. I notice he’s been really controlling of me lately. He comments on what I do with my money, hair, makeup, clothing, computer use, cleaning duties, what I say to others, etc. Sometimes he shushes me in front of others. I realize to an extent I LIKE a sprinkling of it (like when he gives smart suggestions – he is very intelligent and resourceful) because it makes me feel wanted and secure, but lately it’s been too much and is making me feel incredible anxiety.

    I really love my guy and as I have mentioned before have been living with him for almost two years, known him for three, and have committed myself, and so has he; we are totally doing whole cocooning thing as he is 41 and I am 32. Lately I feel like getting out of the apartment just to get some air..air myself out…because he says he feels really weird, anxious and angry when i type on my computer – usually when I look up things or am blogging or on Facebook or email whatever normal people do on their computer…and he has told me he’s had a lot of unfaithful girlfriends secretly chat to men online behind his back. He’s very very worries this is what I do when I’m on the computer and since I do freelance modeling, I can’t do that and feel comfy because i feel ilk I’m always being monitored.

    This totally feels awful – I love him and I want to be with him and I want to prove to him I’m not doing anything behind his back. I would never do that because it would just feel awful and I have no need to. Thing is usually it’s me who feels controlling but not this time…the tables have turned.

    I’d like to untie this rigid knot here. Any suggestions?

  184.  #184tania kay on January 26, 2014 at 2:55 am

    hey Mandy,
    That is brilliant! Exactly what you wrote . say that to him.
    Its open. passionate,expressive and honest.
    I think you will c some real changes in your man if you can find the courage to say it. what do you feel about that.

  185.  #185Femininewoman on January 26, 2014 at 4:50 am

    Mandy seems to me like you need to have a conversation around trust. I am reading your comments and am feeling suffocated myself, like wanting to get away. Maybe some time away from each other might help.

  186.  #186April Rose on January 26, 2014 at 7:46 am


    I’m not sure what to do when a man’s insecurities rear up and make me feel bad. It has happened to me and I do know the feeling.
    Maybe some feeling mesages are in order here. Explore out loud how you feel (way better than putting up with it and saying nothing)

    “I feel weird. My body feels tight and awkward when I think I’m being monitored. I don’t want to be under suspicion. I feel so light and happy in an atmosphere of trust. What do you think?”

  187.  #187Wendy on January 27, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Hello everyone, I need some advice, hopefully you can help me out? I have a friend (we’ve known each other for over 12 years) who is coming to visit (I relocated to another country) we are both divorced and got in touch with each other few months ago, so he is planning on visiting.

    While making plans about his visit, in of the txt messages he implied for us to stay in one room, of course i told him that it would be 2 rooms, and he said ok, I mean I know its just flirting and he also has asked me several times if I have a man in my life over the phone etc, you know typical questions after 6 years of losing contact with one another.

    I told him I was going to let him know about how to get where I am since he has never been here before, so I am going to have to call (and I suppose its wrong if I want this to get somewhere right?) him this week since his plan is to come on the first week of February. He got 2 days off plus the weekend so it would be four days without counting the hrs he has to be on the bus.

    I am thinking he wants to get laid and have a good time while he is here even though he knows that I am not looking to have a ONS or FWB thing, I mean we have talked about how some of the people I know have propose me that just because I am divorced.

    I don’t know how to start a conversation with him to let him know that I want more than that without creeping him out.

    How can I go about things so that if the chemistry we had a long time ago still there, maybe this can get to something more, I mean I am not saying I want to marry him, but I do want to see where it goes and I know if I have sex with him, that possibility will go away. Please help me!

    I haven’t been in another relationship since my divorce 4 years ago and was married for 12 years and my ex was my high school sweetheart so I am really green at the relationships topics obviously…

  188.  #188T. Bradley on January 28, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Tania Kay,
    So true and thanks!!!

  189.  #189Rori Raye on January 28, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Wendy – there’s a big difference between “friends” and “a date.” Start with the assumption it’s “friends” – and if he wants more – he’ll let you know, you can talk about it and take ‘dating” from there…Love, Rori

  190.  #190kris on February 26, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    I check in from time to time to catch up on the blog but I don’t see very many items?
    The archive only shows a few posts. Has something changed?