The Problem Is Always Exclusivity – No Matter What!


The Question:

Hello Rori,

There is this guy that I was dating for seven months. Before that he had been my closest confidant for two years.

We have gotten to know each other more than anyone else knows about us and I love him a lot. However, recently, my worst nightmare came true.

He had this childhood friend, a female by the way, who he would spend time with in a group, supposedly.

One day he was with her, and I was already weary of her because they always joked around but to the point where it was flirting.

So after he was with her, he called me up and immediately told me that she kissed him, but that he immediately pulled away.

I was really upset, and I requested that he stop associating with her.

However, he refused.

It was the one thing he had ever denied me, so I felt EXTREMELY threatened by her.

The next day, he even went to the movies with her.

We got into a huge fight about this because I could tell that there was more to the story.

We almost broke up, but I finally broke and agreed to compromise my happiness so he could be friends with her.

My trust in him depleted, and he got upset that this was happening, saying that there was no reason not to trust him.

Slowly, my trust started building back, but my intuition told me that something wasn’t being told.

I tricked him into telling me the truth two days ago, which was that she kissed him first, yes, but also that after she did that first, he kissed HER a second time.

All this time he had only told me a half-truth.

I immediately broke it off with him, because he is a liar and a cheat.

After I did this, he immediately blocked the girl from everything and told her that he could not associate with her anymore, but I feel that it is too late for him to do this.

Who knows, he could even still be lying about some things.

He admitted to cheating, saying that immediately after he did it, he felt guilty, and that he refused to stop being friends with her because he wanted to act like nothing ever happened. I’m so torn up about this.

As you might already tell, we are young. I am eighteen and this is my first relationship.

Now he has been sending me letters, emailing me, and leaving me voicemails saying how sorry he is and how he is willing to change and how he swears on his life he will never do it again and that from now on he will be truthful and not hide anything from me anymore.

Part of me believes him and wants to run back to him. He talked about spending the rest of his life with me and loving me unconditionally.

But, another part is sick of his lies and hidden truths.

My family does not want me to go back to him. However, I feel as though I will miss out on something great if I leave him. I am really at a loss of what to do now.

I can’t tolerate cheating. I know that I do not deserve to be cheated and lied to like this, but what if we started anew?

I just don’t know! Your advice would be appreciated so much. Thank you for taking your time reading this whole mess!

Thanks so much, Ann

My Answer:

Ann – you are YOUNG!!!!

I wouldn’t call his kissing another girl who’s his friend at 18 exactly “cheating” – and though he left out the important part and kept it to himself (I’m sure that was pretty painful to him, because he sounds like a “good guy”) – it seems like he “tried” to tell you at least some truth.

Awesomely, his actions, once he heard you loud and clear (brava to YOU for your strength and directness!) were pretty dramatic and strong.

His friendship was important to you, and still might be, now that honesty is happening and he seems pretty sure you’re the most important woman to him.

Giving up a childhood friend (who is obviously in love with him) is a VERY big deal – I know one woman who suffered with that situation for years before she put her foot down – as you did! –

AND – I’m not sure I’d want to shut out a man who was my closest friend for over 2 years because of what happened here – he seems like he has room for growth as a friend.

That said, my answer is all about exclusivity.

When we’re young, practicing “relationship” by “going steady” is a good thing.

Once we’re in a place where we want marriage and family, however – going steady is a terrible idea.

18 is WAY too young to get so exclusively involved, in my opinion, and…and, if it were me, I’d consider resurrecting the friendship (not the romance necessarily).

I’d just see how it feels!

If it feels icky – then dump him.  If you can rebuild trust – then go for it!

You can’t really make any mistakes at this age except for getting disease or pregnant. So, if you’re careful and thoughtful with that, the rest is all learning….

Through this process of feeling what you want to do with this one man – please continue to date OTHER men as well.

You’ll get SO much more information to make decisions with by experiencing connecting with as many men as possible – and this is the great value of Circular Dating!

Love, Rori


Posted in