The Questions To Ask Yourself

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wiltshire cowsWhen were feeling out of sorts, things aren’t going well, and we’re feeling our body tense and our heart shutting down… The first thing we want to ask, the first place we go to is the “why.”

We ask ourselves “Why is this happening?”

We ask ourselves “What did I do wrong?”

We ask ourselves “How can I fix this?”

We want to solve it. We try to solve it. We approach it as a “problem.”

We approach it from our head.

The next time this happens to you, try this instead:

Ask yourself, “What am I not feeling?”

Then check in with your whole body.

Especially your belly.

Focus your attention, in a very diffuse, gentle way, on your belly – and just let it loose.

Let it go loose.

See what happens to your shoulders.

See what happens to your emotions.

The first thing I feel when I ask myself what am I feeling? Is sadness. I know I’ll call that feeling moved.

It’s a fantastic feeling to suddenly feel emotional when you were all shut down and close.

And don’t live what you think of it as your emotions for you!

We do all kinds of drama around panic, anxiety, worry, future thinking, past-bashing, and yet this just all meet up in our heads.

We mix it up for one reason only:

We do not want to feel what we are not feeling.

In that you can fix.

Once you feel a glimmer of what’s underneath all the shutdown… you’ll start to feel the good stuff to

The solutions will just sort of bubble up from your insides. From your girl place. From your girl heart.

Let me know how this works for you.

Rori

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279 Comments

  1.  #1Sapphire on February 21, 2016 at 12:09 am

    Ooo when I let the knot in my tummy go loose my shoulders relax and I feel calmer. Am I making myself tense?
    Sapphire xxx



  2.  #2Indigo on February 21, 2016 at 6:34 am

    Sapphire,

    I make myself tense. It is the most wonderful feeling when I let go of all the self-made tension and the self-inflicted pressure.



  3.  #3Starla on February 21, 2016 at 8:46 am

    I recently made a lifestyle change of a bad habit i had developed and now feel less roller-coastery and tense. I had become really reactive and slow to recover from tension. I made excuses for my bad habit for a long time but finally admitted to myself i wasn’t in control anymore.

    It’s been a few weeks or maybe a month since I overhauled my diet too. At first it made my reactivity, anxiety, depression, and tension worse. I didn’t realize how much food was a form of self medication, so when I gave up comfort eating, I felt exposed and vulnerable to my own feelings. However I pushed through it and now see how much lighter and more resilient I am eating whole, healthy foods. I had my first real cheat meal the other night and spent the next day feeling sick and emotional.

    All this to share, that your lifestyle and what you consume can greatly exacerbate triggers. Something I knew for a long time but only recently got serious about in a way that stuck. Maybe it’s just me growing up or maybe it’s having a supportive boyfriend or maybe both:-)



  4.  #4Starla on February 21, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Also, being able to TRUST my negative feelings now is huge. If I get upset, I feel confident expressing it and feeling it. I might be mistaken about the intentions of the other person sometimes, because that’s normal and happens, but I know that I am not just making things up and that something specific has me feeling bad. This is very different from before when I would just “sense” reasons to be triggered. Now I can see that for the gremlins they are and dismiss them.



  5.  #5Millie on February 21, 2016 at 11:01 am

    I love this post!!! I feel like I am SO guilty of processing my feelings with my mind and always trying to find reasons and solutions and drive myself crazy!!

    Starla–I love hearing you say you now know how to trust your negative feelings and feel confident in them!! That is huge!!!! I totally understand what you mean when you say that before you would sense something was off but not really feel sure. I feel like I experience that a lot, where I feel icky but I have doubts about whether my own negative feelings are valid and it feels like a mush where I end up blaming myself! I can see now that the less negativity I allow the gremlins to bring into me, then I can develop a muscle that KNOWS it’s feelings more authentically, rather than always feeling bad and BEING lonely instead of BEING love.



  6.  #6Rori Raye on February 21, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Sapphire, Indigo, Starla and Mollie – you are gurus! Awesome, awesome stuff you’ve written here…love, Rori



  7.  #7Mandy on February 21, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    I am in desperate need of help. Where is Roris info of how to get over a guy? I CD…..that doesn’t seem to kill imy interest and needing and pining….it just doesn’t….I wish I could just see him for who he really is and realize he’s not as cool as I think he is….he’s really not…..



  8.  #8Mandy on February 21, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    Help. He just won’t see me and I am addicted to trying to get answers from him it’s awful….:(



  9.  #9Starla on February 21, 2016 at 4:20 pm

    Mandy, go “out the window”.

    “Reclaim You: Look Out The Window

    Look out a window and imagine what it is that you love (aside from him).

    Imagine the love in your heart – all that energy and sweetness and passion – going out the window to that thing you love. This might be painting, or the beach, or giving to those less fortunate, or helping people in your special, unique way. Really contemplate what it is that you love about this thing, how it has enriched your life, and what it is that makes it special to you. Notice how it makes you feel centered and with a sense of purpose.

    Suddenly, you’ll realize that there’s a lot more to your life than this one man, and you will feel your personal power flooding back to you. Instantly re-shifting your focus like this works like magic whenever you feel your thoughts drifting toward any one man and what he’s doing, thinking, or feeling.”



  10.  #10Starla on February 21, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    Thanks, Rori!



  11.  #11Mandy on February 21, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    I just needed that visual.

    I told him my script of needing to be seen more and he reamed me for it.
    He said I told you not to solely depend on me, and I don’t remember him saying that at all. He said I said we should wait but I didn’t against his advice, and I felt like he was belittling the ever living hell out of me and making it all my fault for the fact he can’t lift a finger to come see me yet he can go out to drink and get tattoos and go on trips.

    He said he suggests we talk this out but if I go he’ll be at least happy with the time we had together.

    Right now I feel so much pain inside, so much desperation, so much awfulness I wonder if I’m dying inside. Seriously.



  12.  #12Mandy on February 21, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    I also groveled like an idiot and it’s just got me feeling lower than a rat.



  13.  #13Dixie on February 21, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    (((Mandy!!!)))

    Breathe slowly, dearest. We’ve all been in your shoes. Sink into those awful feelings, embrace them, and trust yourself to be your own guardian now.

    If you feel this overwhelming need to be seen or heard by him, well, you know that reaching out will have the opposite effect. But we are here!

    Starla’s posting of Rori’s tool is perfect: look at anything, focus on anything else for a while, anything that brings you a feeling of love or joy or laughter. For me, it helps me remember that I can create good feelings on my own.

    When I feel a whelp of angry feelings (sometimes I feel do frustrated too) I find I feel better by pouring ALL of that energy back into me, going for a run, doing ANYTHING at all that pours positive energy back into me..

    Hugs, lots of them!



  14.  #14Dixie on February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    Mandy, you said:

    “I wish I could just see him for who he really is and realize he’s not as cool as I think he is….he’s really not…..”

    It sounds like he’s sitting on your pedestal!

    Flip it:

    ” I wish I could just see myself for who I am really am and realize that I AM as cool, and grounded, and feminine and desirable as I think I am.” He’s not the prize – you are!

    You’ve come from a difficult relationship with J so I can see how Valentine feels like such a hero in many ways.

    Still, this seems like a wonderful reminder to put yourself back on your pedestal – you were a rock star in how you’ve dealt with so much in the past year. You’re the prize. Sink into that feeling.

    Xx



  15.  #15Starla on February 21, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    You are no rat:-)



  16.  #16Millie on February 21, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    Yay!! I love hearing personal comments from Rori!!!

    Today was a good day!! I spent last night with my younger cousin who just went through a break up and was amazed at how quickly she turned things around with herself!! Yay! He asked her to be friends and mentioned they could still hook up while he figures things out and she said No! I felt so proud of her!! And she inspired me to keep focusing on me and my feelings! I also took a dance lesson today and practiced flirting, smiling, being open, receiving, and feeling my body with my partner and felt a positive response from him…like he was suddenly interested in who I was even though we’d met before and he hardly asked me any questions. I also contacted this guy who had been chasing me for awhile, but I didn’t feel interested at the time. He immediately wanted to meet up, but then he cancelled saying he didn’t want to drink before his shift (he works the night shift) and he needed a nap. Then mentioned that I could come over and cuddle with him. I told him that I would not do that with someone I’ve never met and felt reminded of why I wasn’t really interested in the first place. Hmm…oh well. I also started a new fresh profile on a different dating site and already gave my number out to someone who seems pretty nice and normal so far. I feel a lot more comfortable and and less “trying” today, so hoping to keep that going!



  17.  #17Victoria on February 22, 2016 at 12:14 am

    Mandy,
    I feel so triggered by what you wrote.
    I so see myself in your shoes.
    Being angry with a man because he does not want to spend time with me.
    Being angry with a man because he does not care about me and much as I care about him.
    I am so angry when I man is sweet talking me, but his actions do not match his words.
    Would I prefer that he actually acts rude to me?
    I always know whether I am the one chasing or the one being chased.
    It is so good to be chased. But the emotion, oh, the emotion, is so much stronger when I chase. I love the agony of it.



  18.  #18Indigo on February 22, 2016 at 4:06 am

    Mandy,

    As usual with this issue, I completely agree with Victoria.

    I so sympathise with you, which is why I say the things that I do. Not to criticise you or judge you, but because I’ve been there. The situation you find yourself in is something I had to learn to stop doing. It doesn’t feel easy or fair, but it is the way men are, and you will keep finding yourself in this situation, as I did, until you are able to learn what you can never do with men, because it never, never, ever works.

    Something Cherry Norris said which felt harsh at the time, but it is absolutely true, and it is a variation on something Dominique teaches as well: “It is important to never ask a man for more, different or better than what he is doing.” I believe Dominique’s version of this is that you have to ask yourself if you can accept him *exactly as he is*. This is the surest and only way to find out if he is willing and able to love you and be with you. You simply cannot pressure a man. I know I may get into trouble for “giving advice” here and some sirens may not like that I seem to be criticising your approach, but I feel compelled to tell you because I have been through this pain myself and have learnt the hard way, and I don’t want you to suffer through this again.

    You cannot try to make a man spend more time with you, contact you more, plan more dates… whatever, ESPECIALLY if he is already distant and moving away from you. To deliver an emotion-laden script at a time like this essentially telling him that he’s not doing enough will make him run for the hills.

    If he is going out with his buddies, going out to drink, getting tattoos, dealing with family stuff… all of that is his business, and we really have no right to question it or imply that he is doing something wrong by not spending time with you instead. Please believe me when I say this.

    Yes I agree you are putting him on a pedastal, but at the same time I don’t think it is helping you to think of him as an “uncool guy” or that he’s done something wrong, or that he’s “neglecting” you. His actions in not spending time with you or contacting you much recently are speaking loud and clear about where his heart is at relative to yours at the moment. To try and bring him close with a script about how you need more from him is only going to drive him further away. He is going to feel you don’t care about the other things he has prioritised in his life or what he wants to be doing with his time, and only care about what you can get from him. If you love this man, or care for him, you need to respect how he spends his time. If he chooses not to be in a committed relationship with you or chooses to go and do other things, or says he thinks you should wait before you talk or spend time together then you AGREE with him. You say “ok sweetie, I respect that you’ve asked for time, and you know what it would be a good thing for me too. I’ll see you in a few weeks” and you go concentrate on your own life. That will build his attraction for you more than anything, because he now knows you are a woman who won’t push him.

    There is no way to get a man to come closer by chasing him. Men are hunters and it has to do with the chemistry in their brains. You need to be so careful before you say the sort of thing you said to Valentine, especially if he is distant… and to be honest I think you can probably never say it to a man. This is from Dominique who coached me, and I think probably the most you can ever say is “I miss you” and that maybe only once.



  19.  #19Victoria on February 22, 2016 at 5:05 am

    Indigo,
    I love what you wrote, I need to hear it as well as to say it.
    “It is important to never ask a man for more, different or better than what he is doing.”
    I guess it is ok to ask, but we also need to learn to take “no” for an answer.
    I know I will be re-learning this lesson, over and over, until I finally GET IT.



  20.  #20Mandy on February 22, 2016 at 6:18 am

    SIRENS, check this out –

    Dixie you hit the nail RIGHT ON THE HEAD.

    J sucked so bad Valentine seemed like a knight in shining armor.

    So Valentine told me he needed a “break” last night after taking my name off his Facebook, and I know what that means, he was opting out of the situation with me.

    Well guess what? I said no… I said this –

    “No break for me, I don’t want to wait anymore….. I’ve waited too long already and feel exhausted. I’m done with my experience here. Thank you for your time with me.”

    He said “I Understand”.

    So I feel heartbroken. But at least…

    See, my friends…all of them…know who he is and all of them tell me he is a user of women and not a very good person in fact one of my good friends told me to run as fast and as far away from Valentine as I can.

    So I did. With the help of lots of friends.



  21.  #21Indigo on February 22, 2016 at 6:35 am

    Victoria,

    🙂

    I think you must know that I am saying it because I need to hear it too.



  22.  #22Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Indigo…
    I usually agree with your wise and insightful melodies you share with all on Siren Island…
    BUT
    for me
    It makes no since to NEVER ask for what I want…
    Rori recommends it and most of the coaches help with scripts etc. for this very issue…
    My OLD way was to GO ALONG,
    BE EASY,
    STUFF my needs,
    never be vulnerable by asking for what a good relationship looks like to me
    and NOW that I LOVE MYSELF so much more..
    I have found the MORE I ask for what I want…
    the more I RECEIVE most or ALL of what I want!
    and if I don’t… then I move on…

    AND as Dixie and Victoria say… I have learned to take “No” for an answer…

    Since using Rori tools, every time I have asked a man (not just Spirit) for what I wanted in a relationship (more talking on the phone, more affection, less texting, more time together, less whinning, flowers, etc) they have responded – most of the time they have said yes, but not always…
    of course I have always used Dominiques tool of,
    “can you accept this man just the way he is?”
    as BIG criteria…

    and now,
    as *I* open my heart to the things Spirit *Does* give to me… and ask for the things i do want (I give them careful consideration before asking)
    and DONT criticise… He gives me MORE than I EVER thought was possible!



  23.  #23Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 10:32 am

    (((Mandy)))
    all I can say is BRAVA!!!
    So much SELF LOVE
    to ask V for what you want!!!
    Standing up for your needs
    before you got any more invested!!!

    I do love what Dixie #14 wrote… flipping the thoughts
    “” I wish I could just see myself for who I am really am and realize that I AM as cool, and grounded, and feminine and desirable as I think I am.” He’s not the prize – you are! ”

    Asking for what we want FREEs US!!!
    You took back YOUR POWER!
    Now you know he can’t and he won’t…
    “No” is just as good as “YES”
    because you can move forward
    looking for a MUCH better man…
    You are VERY inspiriting Mandy!
    oxoxo



  24.  #24Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 10:47 am

    on Helena Harts blog posts for Jan 2016
    she has an audio post for Jan.8
    “What Happens when you Tolearte A Man’s Bad Behavior”
    It’s a great listen!!
    one thing she says
    “What you tolerate in a man’s behavior is a measure of what you think you deserve, deep down.”
    here’s the link
    http://helenahartcoaching.com/2016/01/



  25.  #25Indigo on February 22, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Azure Blu,

    There’s a nuance that’s getting lost here… I never said, and don’t believe, that you should tolerate a man’s bad behaviour. Quite the opposite.

    It is also not to say that you cannot share what you want in a relationship.

    Both of these principles are things I believe with my whole heart.

    BUT trying to make a man behave in the way that you want… or to put it another way, judging him as wrong when he has very clearly indicated what he is and is not able to give you at the moment. That is ineffective.

    Delivering a script hoping for a particular result is always a bad idea. Not only that, but delivering a script to a man who is not coming towards you, who is in fact moving far away from you… so far that he has not made an attempt to see you in 2 months, and rarely contacts you… can anyone offer one example of when this is ever effective? The thing with a man in such a situation is to pull back not chase.

    If I am not mistaken, Mandy leaned forward to deliver her script to Valentine. Not only that, in her own words she begged and grovelled to him. Without wanting to be harsh, I am absolutely unsurprised that he responded the way that he did. You simply cannot do this with a man.

    Sorry Mandy, but I want to be truthful with you.

    (((hugs)))



  26.  #26Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 11:40 am

    Indigo #25
    Ohhh… I see what you’re saying!
    I agree… it does push them away…
    I’ve done this very thing a few times!!!… called and asked for what I wanted when THEY clearly were not interested… groveled and begged…
    at least I heard the truth from them
    *NOOOO*
    AND i made myself soo sick
    by grovelling
    that I was able to STAY away!! :-/

    and think most of them actually came back
    (Ahhhh… the power of the lean back!!)
    BUT by then I had moved on and realized
    I deserved better!! :-0



  27.  #27Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Indigo…
    BUT
    My thoughts are… in this case with Mandy…
    She needed to practice asking and using her feeling messages
    Why not?
    Asking for what she wants…
    V had been handing out crumbs…
    I think Mandy was NEEDING to hear EXACTLY
    what his intentions were…
    She’d tried leaning back and
    for HER OWN peace of mind (self love)
    she needed to hear the words he shared with her!
    ***NO***

    I have found… even if I KNEW… the guy was NOT acting very interested…
    I couldn’t let him go UNTIL I asked – for what I wanted… and I got the answer I needed
    so I COULD move on…
    Closure seems to work best for me…



  28.  #28Azure Blu on February 22, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Mandy #20
    WOW!!!GREAT JOB!!!
    LOVE THIS…
    ““No break for me, I don’t want to wait anymore….. I’ve waited too long already and feel exhausted. I’m done with my experience here. Thank you for your time with me.”

    I see your sparkling, luscious Siren light
    SHINING brightly…
    Beautiful… just beautiful!



  29.  #29Helena Hart on February 22, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Azure Blue – 24 – Thanks so much for sharing my blog post, I’m SO glad that resonated with you!! If you like the audio recordings and teleclasses, I’m doing a new free one this Thursday. Here’s the info for it:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/3-keys-to-attract-the-man-you-want-free-live-training-this-thursday/

    I set this one up so I can take questions live during the training, hope to see you there! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  30.  #30Dixie on February 22, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    Ohhh, I love how the discussions seem to be so well-timed to what is going on in my life!!

    Yes to all of this: yes to holding boundaries, remaining open and being strong in our vulnerabilities, yes to putting ourselves first.

    Indigo, I love that you mentioned Cherry Norris! You recommended her to me a while back and I love her easy, friendly tone, mixed in with her very solid advice.

    Millie, hurray for your dance class!

    Here, I am in full lean back mode. D was super affectionate, incredibly tender a week and a half ago, but has pulled back again, a phone call here and there, and sometimes…. ugh.. But, what terrific learning for me! I’m not putting “my stuff” on him, and just processing and feeling and living….

    Yes, asking for more does not feel good, but as for simply stating what feels good to me, well, .that I can do, when and if asked. Otherwise, I’m trying to stay grounded in my own space and be happy ❤️❤️



  31.  #31Dixie on February 22, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    Mandy….and hurray for you for leaning into your girlfriends and hurray for your response to V.

    As Rori says, you cannot say the wrong thing to the right man.



  32.  #32Starla on February 22, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Suddenly struggling today. Random “intuitions” despite my boyfriend actively ring shopping and planning our lives together, that he is going to leave me for someone else. Unfortunately this is not the type of intuition i can trust given my abandonment issues and the frequency i feel this way with men. But man, it’s really rough to go through this. I feel pathetic and unwanted and second best and like being hurt is inevitable.



  33.  #33Tee on February 22, 2016 at 6:27 pm

    (((Starla)))

    I wish I could help you to feel better.
    That feeling doesn’t always go away when you have such issues. All I can say is to just hang on, feel the bumps and the waves and just ride the rife until it’s over. Ring shopping is a good sign but I know what you mean.

    There have been days when, after an argument with E, I would check to make sure that my ring was still in the case. I’d be nervous that he’d take it back to the store, get his money back and just leave because he’s had it with me & my issues



  34.  #34Helena Hart on February 22, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Hi Starla, I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here but what you wrote really resonated with me because I went through something similar when my husband was in the process of ring shopping, and also when we were moving in together and planning the wedding. It was as though all my subconscious fears and insecurities were coming to the surface (I also had some minor physical symptoms of stress), even though my husband is the most amazing, loving man who was doing everything “right” and I knew I definitely wanted to marry him.

    There’s this great quote that says, “Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed” – and that’s what it felt like for me when I was going through that time.

    It’s not an uncommon experience from what I’ve found talking with so many women in that situation, even when you’re with the right man for you. Some of my clients have experienced similar feelings when they were in the process of getting engaged and married, etc. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone!

    Love, Helena



  35.  #35Dixie on February 22, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    I feel sick in my stomach. Just…. knotted and hurting.

    I know D.s been working on a few big projects at work, all very much in the public eye, and all part of his passion, which I admire and love. And know it’s kept him busy but I also know that a man will make time for someone who is important to him…

    …and I’ve been on this journey with him, editing his articles, listening to him vent and share and dream, and he used to say that we made a great team….

    Tonight he received very public recognition for his work and he thanked the universe on social media. Everyone.

    Everyone. He didn’t share this with me and it feels like a loud message.,

    And yet he hasn’t called since last week. He left a message yesterday in between his meetings, said that he’s sorry he missed me, but that we’d talk soon.

    I feel angry at myself, sad, disappointed and really just unappreciated, invisible and heartsick.



  36.  #36Dixie on February 22, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Honestly, Sirens, I feel sick, like I’ve invested so much emotionally here (on my own) that….

    ….it feels like a joke. All the tenderness, all the I love you’s, all the sweetness and protectiveness…

    I just feel so betrayed and I don’t even know why. It’s not really anything he did. I feel disappointed, like I’ve led myself on. I don’t what to think. My heart just hurts, hurts, hurts.



  37.  #37Starla on February 22, 2016 at 7:47 pm

    Thank you Helena and Tee! It feels relieving to know this happens to others. I went to an awesome yoga class for some self care and I did this exercise to connect with my 3rd eye and true knowing, and it was so clear that he is so much goodness and love and power and commitment, not what my so called intuition was trying to convince me of when I posted earlier. The class is every Monday and i may make a regular thing of it.



  38.  #38Emerson on February 22, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    Hi sirens
    I feel empowered because I am making really good money right now…
    But the price to pay is….
    That I don’t like my work environment ….
    It’s ok I’m making it work for me…



  39.  #39Starla on February 23, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Emerson, save as much as you can so you are financially empowered to eventually ask for changes in the environment or walk away.



  40.  #40Starla on February 23, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Wow I’m just really struggling, and the universe with its sense of humor piled on some circumstances to make my insecurity so much worse. I shared a little that my head is going a little crazy but I sense him holding back in the reassurance department. He does hug me in response but it doesn’t “feel” like security. I suppose this is my own deal. I haven’t acted out or shared specifics, and that is great. I will just stay quiet and hunker down till it passes, but I can’t help feeling like if he would just do something romantic or loving as a gesture then I would feel a lot better. I honestly feel like he is thinking about leaving me. He probably isn’t. Blah this feels overwhelming and I’m embarrassed to him for being so broken or whatever.



  41.  #41Starla on February 23, 2016 at 7:12 am

    I can do this. I can hunker down. I can love myself through this. I can even share that I’m struggling on the inside. None of it has to be a big deal to our relationship. Nothing has to be a show stopper. How to make myself happy. Gosh, not sure. Expecting abandonment if he’s not super reassuring. Yikes. I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s so painful. I just need a little space to take care of myself, which is totally reasonable since we do not actually live together and I have my own home to go to. He used to make a big deal out of it if I went home. It still is a big deal, like it’s something I do when I’m not feeling great. That annoys me a lot. I would prefer nothing I do be “loaded”. Don’t pick at me and my reasoning if I want to be alone for a while. If you want my presence and attention, just ask. Lead us. Don’t put me on the spot.



  42.  #42BeLoved on February 23, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Oh, this feels so nice.
    I met a platonic male friend at a club the other night, and when I started to freak out about parking, instead of leaving like I wanted to, I texted him that I felt spun out and he told me about some good parking and met me outside to walk me in.
    Ok, really, I could have cried. I know it’s a little thing, but it really hit home how I had gotten so used to being treated crap. I had ‘committed’ partners who wouldn’t have done even that much for me, who would have probably just said “bye!”.
    And just now? TG yelled up to my window from outside, to let me know there is a windstorm coming and I should move my car away from the trees. I told him I’d be leaving in 30 minutes or so, and he says, “Throw me your keys, I’ll move your car.”
    Which, is TOTALLY not necessary, because I’ll be leaving before the weather gets bad, and, I let him do that for me. I took it as a masculine expression of care and concern and I wasn’t going to turn that down.
    I feel grateful 🙂



  43.  #43Starla on February 23, 2016 at 9:24 am

    I would like to avoid the way I’m feeling (and the way I perceive him to be keeping some distance) from turning into a thing he has to deal with. He hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything, his weirdness I’m sensing is just a twinge of a fear that I am thinking he’s done something wrong or that if he doesn’t reassure me in the right way, it will turn into a bigger thing he’ll end up having to deal with.

    Ohhh, my poor little heart. It’s okay, poor little heart ((((heart))))). My man is a wonderful man who has done absolutely nothing wrong. I just feel so tiny and unloveable. I feel like it’s inevitable I will be discarded. I am not enough 🙁

    I am just keeping myself busy and entertained. I actually have today off from work, thanks to a huge amount of vacation time I have amassed and never used. I took care of a couple of looming personal chores that involved making phone calls. I hate making phone calls. I’ll be having lunch with an old friend. Hopefully I can follow through with my commitment to myself to practice dance for even half an hour or so. Lately it’s been a struggle. I was also thinking about trying out a zumba class for the first time.



  44.  #44Tee on February 23, 2016 at 9:50 am

    I need to vent or to explore. I’m having odd feelings and I can’t exactly put a finger on the WHY although no one’s saying that I need to.

    Since getting his tax refund, E has been very generous and the whole thing feels weird to me. Overall he’s sweet anyway and he’s done things anyway but I’m thinking that since he now has something of an unlimited (even for a limited time lol) amount of money, I feel both awkward and spoiled, for lack of a better way to put it.

    Awkward because I’m not use to being able to just have things taken care of or offered, etc
    Spoiled because of the same exact reasons!

    He hasn’t broken the bank and I’m not walking around in a mink lol but I think I’m feeling uncomfortable being taken care of despite my enjoyment of it

    Part of me feels that this is an accurate representation of how E would operate if he indeed had tons of money so it’s interesting on that front but I have felt uneasy with some of it

    He paid off the phone bill for me & my aunt, took me to breakfast, bought coats for me & Isiah….of course Isiah has a few outfits and a few new toys.
    Nothing major. It seems to give E a sense of pride to be able to take his family to the mall, grab a cart and let us just throw whatever we want into it

    I just don’t know how to feel so I’m just trying to BE. It’s weird to me. I feel kinda gold-diggerish yet I also feel rigid and tight. Like maybe this is why things don’t always flow for me lol because I’m so wound up and tight. Does this make sense????



  45.  #45Starla on February 23, 2016 at 10:08 am

    Makes sense, tee. Money is especially tricky in this modern age.



  46.  #46Azure Blu on February 23, 2016 at 10:17 am

    (((Dixie)))
    Ohhh… darling Siren…
    I can understand why you would be feeling ignored and worse…
    How amazing to be working with a man that is getting so much attention for his work…
    It would take a lot of self esteem to make a relationship like this work…
    Has he gotten all this recognition in the past or is this a new happening?



  47.  #47Azure Blu on February 23, 2016 at 10:31 am

    ((((Starla)))) #40&41&43
    yes, huggggggsss for your sweet, innocent heart!!
    so frightened… so vulnerable…

    I agree with others… these feelings are quite regular…
    My experience has been… whenever I take that next step toward more intimacy and commitment – loud warning bells start going off in my heart and head!!!

    The melodies that you are softly singing to yourself sound sooo wonderful and comforting…
    the self care of physical and mental sound like most excellent soothing ideas!!!

    I can tell by your posts in the last month how much you have changed YOU… and are talking yourself off the ledge quite handily these days.
    BRAVA!!! so quickly too!!
    Yes, your man does LOVE YOU!!!
    YOU are the PRIZE,,, most beautiful, shinning brightly with gauzy, dresses and sparkles gently glowing in the sunshine… you’ve got this Siren!!!
    ;-))



  48.  #48Azure Blu on February 23, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Tee…
    Ahhh… E is sounding soooo masculine
    I love your processing here…
    I too struggle with my man enthusiastic giving to ME…
    What great observations of YOUR reactions…
    appreciating his giving
    how much love and tenderness his actions are showing!!!
    lovely Siren, i can feel you relaxing and enjoying!
    YOU Deserve to be pampered!!!
    Ahhh… JOY of IT!
    oxoxo



  49.  #49Tee on February 23, 2016 at 10:36 am

    #45 Starla, this whole deal is tricky on a few levels

    If we want a man to lead, we have to allow him that without much interference so there’s been that

    Don’t nag, question, etc lol there’s that

    E hasn’t exactly been awesome with money in the past so theres that

    Leaning back has allowed me to see his growth and mine

    Yes, it’s been a bit nerve-wracking but I’ve had to tell myself that although some of it might be uncomfortable, nothing has been life-threatening

    I have to let him fall & figure it out
    Leaning back has freed up alot of mental/emotional space for me…that’s been kinda tricky too

    It’s kinda humbling because it’s forced me to ask/rely on him and I really hate that lol

    I use to complain that E never wants to give me money, I’m seeing that it’s not that he doesn’t or hasn’t given me money…it’s just that he prefers to treat rather than give.

    Maybe it’s a pride thing/man thing but maybe he likes being able to show that he bought this or that for his family

    It’s been intriguing to see how I feel, what I feel, it’s triggers, etc. So I guess it’s not really about the money itself but what it represents?

    I think for me it represents safety, being cared for, etc
    For E, and I’m just speculating, it represents being able to show how well you can provide.

    Ok maybe this is common knowledge to some but where I’m from lol men are/were the enemy



  50.  #50Tee on February 23, 2016 at 10:42 am

    #48 Azure Blue,

    Thank you always for your words! It’s not been easy & I’ve dropped the ball a few times lol

    Seems like whenever I mind E’s business (instead of letting him mind it lol) I temporarily miss out on something

    I don’t mean any harm though lol



  51.  #51Starla on February 23, 2016 at 11:50 am

    Thank you Azure. I’ve been cleaning up my life extensively too, so I just took on giving up yet another bad habit yesterday, cigarettes. I keep faltering but won’t stop trying. This time it’s been 2 days cold turkey and I maybe need to be gentle with myself. I also talked to my man about what to expect and to be patient with me, but it’s like he forgets I’m going through something unless I talk about it all the time, so I don’t feel totally safe to be weak like this.



  52.  #52Starla on February 23, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Lunch was good. Felt nice to be distracted. I think I’m going to lay down and veg out on the Internet for a while.
    I want validation and appreciation from him so bad right now, it’s sad. An invitation, some flowers, some words of love, anything… Im thirsty and afraid.



  53.  #53Dixie on February 23, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    46 Azure…. Thank you so much….it’s not necessarily a “new thing”. But because part of job is in the public, I’ve learned to understand that difference between the public persona and the way he is with me.

    But it really walloped my heart to see him thank everything, reply to everyone…. And yet, I’ve heard nothing. I don’t feel like I’m important in his life, important enough to share things with, and I’m just so sad and angry and confused. I was full of hot tears today.

    I feel like just walking away.



  54.  #54Dixie on February 23, 2016 at 2:20 pm

    Azure, I guess at the bottom of it all is that I don’t feel appreciated or valued. And I’m wondering if I’ve just blindly trusted his words all this time.

    Ugh. There is a lump in my throat and my eyes are just watering non-stop.



  55.  #55Mandy on February 23, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    Indigo, I think you should talk to Sami.
    She was the person who coached me to do the script. and Valentine did not clearly indicate anything to me!!!!!!!!!

    It got me out of a situation where I was being USED. I agree wholeheartedly with Azure. Would you want me to stay with a man who blamed me for the entire thing?

    Be careful what you say to me about this. I don’t want to develop a complex over what “I did wrong” with Valentine, who is a person who about seven of my friends told me to run as far away from, as fast as I could, because he is a womanizer, a user of drugs and alcohol, and someone who does what he can to get what he wants; he hid all this from me. My friends had nothing to gain by telling me that.

    If you feel that way, that’s how you feel. And that’s your issue. Not mine.

    Yes I made a final statement, I want you to see me, like Sami told me to. You call that grovelling? Why does it feel like you are talking down to me?
    What else was I suppose to do? I was leaning back, being myself, being authentic. Not pushing. And I said to him I want to see you. If that is something I did wrong, what do you expect I should have done, just shut up while he was telling me I was acting weird and passive aggressive?

    I feel seriously harsh judgement from you and very harshly triggered and incredibly angry at this.

    I do not want to hear your judgements about what I did wrong, or your honesty about what you think I did wrong. I will hear that from the coaches.



  56.  #56Mandy on February 23, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    And I don’t want to hear what you’re here to tell me and what you’re not here to tell me. Rori has specifically stated we should be riffing.

    I want

    I dont want

    I feel________

    ….not giving advice unless you’re a coach!



  57.  #57Lovergirl on February 23, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    I am so upset right now and I don’t know if I can do this without getting blamey on RadioCD. Im feeling really hurt and angry and betrayed.

    Remember me talking about how he was asking about a threesome with my co-worker? I wanted to respond to Tereana’s post on the other thread, but I hadn’t had a chance yet. My laptop keyboard is broken and im having to use my phone until they fix it. Its a pain to type.

    Anyhow, my co-worker and I were at an event today and the radio station was there. RadioCD showed up and I had to leave shortly after. She was still there and I just had this sinking feeling he was going to try and hit on her.

    He had offered to pay for meals for us but I had already gotten free food from the people there. So he treated my co-worker.

    After I left she was texting me some business stuff he was talking to her about, that really is more my responsibility than hers. So she told him he could text me about it later (she has no idea I am sleeping with him).

    Then tonight, he and I were supposed to hang out, but I haven’t heard from him. Last night he cancelled on me because he said he was super tired from coaching all weekend. I was okay with that but its prettty late and still nothing tonight.

    So I go look on his Facebook, to see if he has posted anything today. Instead, I see that we now have a mutual friend and its my co-worker. He and I weren’t even Facebook friends until we had been sleeping together for like 6 months.

    When he had been asking about her and if a threesome was a possibility, I had told him she just broke up with her boyfriend a week and a half ago. Now, it seems pretty obvious he is trying to sleep with her, maybe even to the point of ignoring me.

    I feel sick. 🙁 I like my.co’worker and dont want this to become an issue for me sat work. Im so upset. I dont know if I can handle this without blowing up.

    What would you do? 🙁



  58.  #58Lovergirl on February 23, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    * at work, not sat



  59.  #59Kim on February 23, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    Mandy….for what it’s worth I also agree with Azure and you.
    If we can’t ask/tell a man stuff – then we are leaning back in neediness anyway. And like a Princess waiting for the Peince to somehow mindread what we want, or, if he is not invested, we will ‘lean back’ wishiing, hoping, wamting. At the end of the clarity is a beautiful thing.
    And so is CDing.
    And so is being authentic.
    I believe we can all learn something from each other….and I mevr regretted telling a man how I felt or asking him honest questions.
    I did regret however, leaning back when I was looking at that phone all night long or pussy footing around an issue.
    I can feel your anger and honestly, I understand it too.



  60.  #60Kim on February 23, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    In other totally unexpected news….
    I had a big row with MoM…I had kinda secretly plotting my elopement (alone) back to europe…he found out…well it wasn’t a big secret but I have been applying to jobs and things in case something good came along.
    I miss my family, friends and the situation here wasn’t great for me anymore.
    So tonight it all blew up in my face….and then he pulls out a ring. I nearly died. I so did not expect this. In fact, I had been maintaining that he would never propose to me lol.
    Turned out he bought the ring two months ago and took it to every outing we had..but something always happened, like people getting in the way. .or whatever else. Lol.
    So tonight he finally pulled it from his bag. He had been taking the ring to work every day too, for two months.
    Kinda comical, and sweet.
    I haven’t said yes yet, I asked for some time and I asked him also that afterr some time he may perhaps ask me properly…and all that….
    Kinda shocked. He bought a ring all behind my back, I never knew a thing…apparently he went to the Jeweler lots of times.
    He showed some initiative etc, I was so surprised…
    I am touched.
    Giddy a bit…
    Hehe
    Nobody ever asked me to get married haha. Or bought a ring….or carried it around for two months…
    Yayayay lol



  61.  #61Kim on February 23, 2016 at 7:13 pm

    Uhm sorry for typos, ipad sausage fingers lol



  62.  #62Posie on February 23, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    Someone said something here plain and simple that has rung true to me ever since about this whole script giving stuff. I don’t remember who it was. They said: if he’s not coming towards you, there’s no script.” I’ve felt that to be a helpful thing to consider when deciding on an effective time to open a dialogue.



  63.  #63Emerson on February 23, 2016 at 8:08 pm

    51 Starla good for you,,,, I quit smoking cold turkey and never went back to it.
    I c and explain it, I just decided I was done with it in my 30’s and stopped. It used to feel like it was “helping” me but then it didn’t anymore.
    If only I could do the same with chocolate 🙂



  64.  #64Tee on February 23, 2016 at 8:46 pm

    Just wanted to share how I feel right now. Today was one of those low-key days that I love. Things are flowing & feeling fantastic in its simplicity

    It’s a windy dreary day but I enjoy listening to the rain fall outside

    I had an awesome conversation with a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a few weeks

    E is downstairs listening to his old school r&b music again, I hear him singing along and it makes me smile and brings back memories

    He recently came upstairs and I asked him if he was still coming with me to the eye doctors tomorrow & to get some glasses….he said Of course

    He also brought home a huge bag of peanuts & malt balls for us to snack on

    Our son is fast asleep curled up beside me in his new Spider-Man pajamas

    Sometimes I feel so lucky, too lucky

    Things feel settled, almost like a house that’s too quiet. You wonder if someone is hiding in the basement or behind the door with a knife

    Tricky, issues can be so tricky but I feel happy



  65.  #65Mandy on February 23, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    Thank you,

    I feel I did nothing wrong. I did what i needed to do.

    I stand by my decision to deliver the script.

    I regret not telling him sooner.

    Thank you for honoring my feelings, it feels good, even if we don’t know each other. It’s like…someone gets it…soothing…Thank you.

    I just…..you know, the feeling, you don’t want to feel it but it’s there….feeling like a loser or just down and dumpy…

    I know what to do. I want to go out this weekend…a man who I find incredibly sweet invited me to…and he’s been around a lot…and we kissed once…and since I was involved with Valentine I think he didn’t want to impose or maybe he didn’t want to see a woman who’s seeing a guy already but….he’s indicated interest and is incredibly attractive.

    New CD?

    TallNDark is texting me frequently, G is still calling every other day, and the new one is Neph. DancingWolf is one as well. He invited me over this weekend. He smiles at me hehe. Neph smiles at me and so does TallNDark.

    So I have about four men in my rotation…I have a feeling these men will keep me sane and possibly help me have a nice time.

    DancingWolf is really interested in me visiting because he says he has lots of fun with me. That’s cool as can be.

    Neph is like…just always there for me and always listens.

    It’s good to have good guy friends/CDs/people around to keep you going…

    I’m still feeling grief, sadness and some emptiness, but at least I can try to sleep and hope tomorrow will be a little better.



  66.  #66Indigo on February 23, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Mandy,

    That’s fine. I will keep my thoughts on your posts to myself from now on.

    Since I don’t feel I can always go along with advice I disagree with, even if given by a coach, this blog is probably not the right place for me.

    One parting thought though, and then I will say no more on the matter, I said what I said purely out of love and concern, not judgment. I said it because I myself have done exactly what you did, over and over again, and it never, ever, ever, ever worked with any man, and I wanted to spare you that pain again.



  67.  #67Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Kim!!!!
    Congratulations! Congratulations! I am so happy for you. Fantastic news.
    I think you did absolutely right by planning your plan B, and that it was an excellent catalyst to MoM’s behavior. Brava!



  68.  #68Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 12:36 am

    Mandy,
    What I have seen from your posts is that you explicitly ask the sirens for feedback but then you get upset by people sharing a differing opinion. Or advice. I know there is a difference between opinon and advice, and that what we all need to learn to do here is empathy.
    It is very good for all of us to place ourselves in the other persons shoes and see why what she says is so triggering.
    I have always felt very worried about your BDSM thing
    because it reminds me of some traumatic experiences of my own. I think for me it is a reminder of situations in which I went out of my comfort zone as a compensation for the missing love, and, as exciting as it was in the moment, I have alsways regretted it in the past.
    I am very happy for you that you ended things with Valentine, one way or another.



  69.  #69Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 12:47 am

    Starla,
    Brava for quitting smoking. This is such a wonderful and life changing decision, I can not say enough times how wonderful it is that you did it.
    I quite smoking several years ago, and I think that is by far the best thing I did for my health ever, and I am in principle very health oriented, I eat right, exercise regularly and all that, but quitting smoking was the most important thing ever.
    From my experience it is very difficult in the first month, and gets much much better afterwards. So, it is very important to get through the first month. I think I succeeded in my quitting because for the first month I deliverately (and with great effort) avoided situations where I would normally smoke – like going to nightclubs (smoking was allowed there at the time) and avoided my smoking friends. I also read extensively every day on the internet about the negative effects of smoking and about the positive effects of quitting, I was giving myself deliverately extra-large doses of non-smoking propaganda. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.



  70.  #70Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 12:56 am

    @ Lovergirl 57.
    I had a similar situation, many, many years (in my early 20s). I was sleeping with a guy (not really dating him) and we went to a party with a large group of his friends, and I brought a very good looking friend of mine. At the end of the evering my man asked me for her phone number, on behalf of one of his friends, and I gave it to him. I found out, eventually, that it was not his friend, but he personally, who called her, went out with her and slept with her.
    My personal lessons from this situations:
    1. Tell your girlfriends that you are sleeping with a man. It is not their fault if you have not marked the territory.
    2. Keep your very pretty friends away from men with whom you have undefined relations.
    3. Very pretty women seldom make good friends. With this one, it was so annoying to see how practically every man would hit on her, I just stopped being her friend.
    4. That man was a pig, and I would have figured he was a pig one way or another, with or without her, but he was valuable in my life as practice, and for giving me the above three very important lessons.



  71.  #71Lovergirl on February 24, 2016 at 1:37 am

    Thanks Victoria. I did, finally, blow up at him. Okay, the minute he texted me wanting me to come over, I pretty much flipped. It had just been festering and festering and my blood was boiling and I was pretty harsh. I told him I never want to see him again.

    Of course, he made a million excuses. He tried to get me to talk to him on the phone and I wouldn’t. He claimed she lost some slip of paper that might have been with his stuff and that he got her Facebook so he could contact her without getting her phone number. I told him that is complete b.s because he knows he could just give it to me and I would get it to her.

    He said he would delete her if it would make me happy, but the argument raged on and he still hadnt done it. I finally said since you haven’t deleted her yet, I am deleting ME, then deleted myself off his Facebook. He didn’t respond. He could have been asleep by then but we were still texting. Im sure he will use that as an excuse anyway.

    Im just livid! Its such a low blow. I know he would be upset if I were sneaking around with his male co-workers. When I said that he didnt comment.

    I may very well end up telling her, just so she doesn’t make the mistake of getting with him. I don’t think she would if she knew. Im not sure if he is her type anyway, but it just really upsets me.

    She is pretty but I don’t know that I would say prettier than me. Maybe a little better figure and I know that is super important to guys. Ugh.

    We still have several days of working with the radio station. He said he is not coming the next couple times and I just know its because she won’t be there. I got us into this partnership with them and now I feel all kinds of regret.

    I told him I regret ever sleeping with him. I said I don’t feel safe or trusting with him anymore. He kept trying to beg me to change my mind but his actions didn’t match up (he didnt delete her). He said he didn’t even realize that I would have her contact info or be her Facebook friend to get this slip of paper to her. Give me a fucking break!!



  72.  #72Lovergirl on February 24, 2016 at 1:48 am

    Oh, and he kept throwing in my face that he had gotten all these tickets for things for me and my kids. I said I was thankful for that but that it didnt change how I feel about being backstabbed. He acted like I was being ungrateful and disrespectful to him. I said it was disrespectful to me for him to hit on my co-worker and that I therefore do not feel sorry about being disrespectful.

    I just could not be nice and non blamey. I know I was being dramatic and all that but I just get to the point where I don’t care and where I WANT to hurt him and make him feel like shit, just like he did to me.



  73.  #73Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 2:35 am

    Lovergirl,
    I was not nearly as upset as you in my case. First of all that guy was much older than both me and my friend at the time (at that time 40s seemed ancient 🙂 and I had zero feelings for him. What shocked me was how he conned me to give him her number, and also that she would fall for his trap (she seemed to be way higher than his league).
    I did not tell him anything at the time. I pretended I did not know, and acted friendly and flirty until he asked me for another date (at his place). I said yes, smiled sweetly and then stood him up. I avoided him afterward and never told him anything, but I am pretty sure he figured it out himself. I can be very mean sometimes.



  74.  #74Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 3:16 am

    Kim, Kim, Kim!!!
    Ohhhh… Yay!!! Congratulations….
    or am I jumping the gun…
    you haven’t said YES yet/??!

    I agree with Victoria… good for you and going forward with plan B!!!!

    This all sounds so good… you and MoM married/engaged! So happy for you!
    much love from me!!



  75.  #75Dixie on February 24, 2016 at 3:33 am

    Lover girl, Victoria: this brought back a memory:

    In my twenties, I was with a man who Iiked quite a bit, but his behaviour around other women felt unsettling. Long story, I found out that he had slept with someone else, he never mentioned it, but when I found out, I literally walked out. I mean, I was 23, he was taking a shower, I read the inside of a funny birthday card lying on the dresser and …..ugh!

    Anyhow, I remember getting ready, getting my purse, and just leaving. This was not a man I saw a future with anyhow. No cell phones, no internet back then, lol (1995). I walked out. Two months later he saw me at a store and said hello. I looked at him, turned on my heels, and just walked away!

    A month after that, I received a two page letter, where he confessed, expressed remorse, and said all sorts of things, asking for friendship and forgiveness. I did not respond.

    And…. Last year, (nearly 20 years later!!) he tried to contact me through social media.

    Lesson: when a man behaves badly, he knows! . And for me, I didn’t want to listen to his excuse, or have my feelings thrown back at me. So when an apple smells rotten, toss it.



  76.  #76Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 3:38 am

    Tee #39
    I’m learning much from what your observing with you and E around money…
    as Starla mentioned… a VERY tricky subject…

    I like this: “I use to complain that E never wants to give me money, I’m seeing that it’s not that he doesn’t or hasn’t given me money…it’s just that he prefers to treat rather than give. ”
    I think many men do this… I used to look at it as controlling the money…. but of course it is more pleasurable for the giver to be with me when he’s buying the things with me…



  77.  #77Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 3:40 am

    Starla…
    WOW… I have many friends and BOTH my children who have tried to quit smoking off and on… It is a VERY difficult habit to break..
    I also have MANY friends who have successfully stopped smoking…
    So Good for YOUR health… good luck lovely Siren,
    I know you can do it!
    Great ideas from Victoria on steps to stop…



  78.  #78Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Dixie #54
    I know you are working on staying leaned back…
    Have you considered leaning back even further and maybe ask for some time apart?
    his actions are speaking
    I know when eye opening things like this happen
    it usually compels me to open up the relationship for CDing…
    What do you want in a relationship?



  79.  #79Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 4:05 am

    Tee #664
    Mmmmm… so layed back, warm and cozy…
    thank you for sharing those precious moments…



  80.  #80Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 4:14 am

    Mandy #65
    I really enjoy how you are turning this whole thing with V around
    and noticing and Appreciating ALL the wonderful positive attention you are getting and have from other men and CDs!!!
    of course it will take awhile to process your feelings around what happened
    BUT He is NOT worth your affection, attention or heart…
    BRAVA you for moving onward and forward!
    oxoxo



  81.  #81Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 5:07 am

    ((((Lovergirl))))…
    Yay you for taking up for yourself and letting Radio know that you know what happened!
    and that you are VERY angry!!
    Yeah… sneaking behind my back just feels awful!
    UGHHH!!



  82.  #82Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Victoria.

    I don’t wanmt to say this again but I will.

    When I ask Sirens for something I’m asking them to riff their feelings. Not to talk down to me. Please stop, I feel attacked and I am very upset.



  83.  #83Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:09 am

    I am thinking of leaving the blog altogether for this very reason. Advice. Shouldn’t be given. You should be riffing just like Rori said.



  84.  #84Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:11 am

    Can you say to me I FEEL confuses because you ask for advice…

    And can I say back, I’m not asking for advice I’m asking for riffing?????? How you feel????????

    Do you see how that would not trigger me rather than saying “You are doing this”?????



  85.  #85Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:13 am

    Coaches, can I please get some help? I feel like I am being attacked for asking for riffing instead of advice. There was an ENTIRE RORI BLOG on how the Sirens, coming here asking questions, should RIFF, and if we ask what other Sirens feel, they should RIFF to each other, not try to coach unless you are trained coach.



  86.  #86Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:15 am

    Thank you Ladies…Victoria and Azure… 🙂
    Azure, I haven’t said yes yet but the main reason for that was that we were in the middle of an argument when he pulled it out…and told me it has been burning a hole in his pocket for two months lol.
    And, I was just so shocked and surprised…genuinely shocked, I had no idea, like absolutely none. The last time we talked about marriage properly is almost a year ago! it was just the wrong moment (the argument was over our future and what we want or more specifically what I want that I fear might be in conflict to what he wants).
    I asked kindly to put the ring back in the box and have a couple of weeks of talking about our future/getting married and dates and then if he feels like it maybe he could ask me properly and (of course) I would say yes…but in the middle of a discussion is just a bad moment. Actually, he agreed and said he was an idiot not to do it sooner as he had it with him on all of our recent outings and it was never the ‘right’ moment lol.
    But it is a huge step and for me also with all my family abroad I need a little time to think how I see my future and how we can achieve the things that are important to me, i e moving out of the city and so on….knowing that he is a little less energy than me I just want to know what all of our plans are that we can agree on.
    Basically I want us to make a plan first and know that he is wih me on a few things. He kinda sprung this on me at a time when my energy was already half focused on moving away.
    One of my friends said ‘oh that’s not very fairytale’ and how this planning and thinking about things isounds to her like a partnership not a fairytale marriage…well, she is already divorced lol…and I just don’t operate on fairytales, I am very pragmatic.
    Love, yes but I want to know what I am letting myself in for too 🙂
    I mean, the rest of ones life could be long, no? 😉



  87.  #87Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:17 am

    AND…..the last thing I’d like to say…is don’t judge me for my Lifestyle choice!!!!! If you are not in the Lifestyle you don’t understand it’s about complete consensuality!



  88.  #88Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:21 am

    So ironic, I do feel giggly, because only a few days ago I was sighing over these statistics that men over 40 who have never been married will never get married, it was like only one in 6 or 10 or something.
    Well, ladies there is always the exception to the rule!
    I have never been engaged or married either, and I am 40! I have to say it all feels rather scary…and exciting.
    Obviously, I couldn’t sleep all night..lol.
    I was thinking about stupid stuff all night like ‘should I change my name?’



  89.  #89Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:26 am

    I HURT right now. The LAST thing I need is to be told what I’m doing wrong. I feel like a piece of shit..ALL I want is some comfort.



  90.  #90Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:33 am

    Mandy, I do believe it is impossible to prohibit people from stating their opinions.
    Having said that, perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that if you read the blog only just a few months back those that are most triggered by your posts and what feels like ‘attcking’ you, have spent months and often years scripting to unavailable men that have looked to some of us like they were totally uninterested. They didn’t just do it once but over and over again, and not cding etc.
    I find that interesting to see them on the high horse now…lol. Not to say somewhat comical. But it’s none of my business.

    I have been one of those also at one point, but I do not regret it and your posts do not trigger me because I do believe their can be value in saying what you want and how you feel. Even when a man is ambivalent and maybe especially then, so you can draw a line.
    I learnt my lesson pretty much with unavailable number one. The trick is not to do the same thing over and over and one of the reasons why I left the blog for a long while was that I could see the same thing happening time and time again. Now these people are triggered by your posts, obviously, and kinda talk down on you and yes, while I like them, if I was you, I would be upset too.
    I don’t know what the solution is but barring people from speaking their mind, well, probably not.
    Leaving the blog maybe or just try taking it in your stride and take comfort in the fact that they are triggered by your posts because they recognize themselves?
    IDK



  91.  #91Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:34 am

    There can be value…..not ‘their’ uh I so dislike getting thise mixed up



  92.  #92Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Kim and Azure, thank you for being kind and gentle….all I want is some hugs and comfort….not criticism.

    Thank you for not going there right now.



  93.  #93Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:38 am

    Rori says: there are no mistakes



  94.  #94Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 5:50 am

    Kim,
    I think you are doing abosulutely brilliant about asking him for a plan first.
    Forever is a very long time. You need to make sure you will be getting what you want from him (and he from you) in order to have a happy marriage.



  95.  #95Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:51 am

    There is only learning!
    The more you do, and the more ‘mistakes’ one makes, the more learning!
    Me, for one, I can admit that I have still not learnt how to communicate effectively in a relationship and how to get more intimacy.
    I am really not good at this whole feeling messages malarkey, it’s just not me.
    It is much easier to blame, accuse and critizise lol.
    Having said that, I have learnt to make things about me more and not stuff he does or doesn’t do.
    Yet I still said some weird stuff yesterday that I am not particularly proud of, but the man sticks to me regardless…
    so in reality I do honestly believe now that it is impossible ro shake the right guy.
    So what if we say some stuff to the wrong ones along the way? Practice makes perfect. Life is not a science.



  96.  #96Kim on February 24, 2016 at 5:52 am

    Thank you Victoria! My pragmatic mind is in total agreement of what you said 🙂



  97.  #97Mandy on February 24, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Okay, decision time….

    I’ve heard from one too many people in my life that this blog is bringing me down, and to leave it, so I am taking a hiatus.

    I might come back when I feel more welcome and supported.



  98.  #98Tee on February 24, 2016 at 6:21 am

    #76 Yes Azure Blue,

    I saw it very much as being controlled.
    Why couldn’t he just give me the money, I didn’t understand & my ego/independent woman side lol was having a field day with it!

    I do have to credit this blog for giving me other ways to think and view things. I’ve learned to think better thoughts of E, to lean back and observe.

    He is a giver and he seems to love to treat the people that he loves. I guess I wasn’t seeing it because its not always a grand gesture such as a new coat or a shopping trip.

    No matter what store we’re in, he will ask if I want something at least 90% of the time…maybe more. I guess in my mind, it gets tricky the more things cost

    I start to feel like his buying me this will take away from that, then I start minding his business and coming up with excuses as to why I don’t want whatever right now

    I feel greedy and like I might be judged for it later on yet like I said….I enjoy being taken care of in this way

    I guess I don’t want to cross that line to where he goes from enjoying it to dreading it

    I feel like I’m treading lightly but it’s not a completely bad feeling. I feel like we’re setting ourselves up for a better, more agreeable partnership with money

    It was a power struggle but now it’s beginning to feel more like a conversation. Not perfect but not volatile how it once was

    My independent woman side still feels awkward, I feel like a throwback living in modern times lol

    I’m part of a group on Facebook for people who are single & dating. Someone added me months ago for whatever reason & although there’s fascinating conversations, I kinda feel like Wow so this is what it means to really be independent & out there dating??

    Sometimes I don’t know if I should be jealous or grateful lol



  99.  #99Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 7:57 am

    Kim,
    Sami Wunder has some great posts about relationships and she offers free first sessions…
    for planning your sharing of your plans for the future with MoM…
    Maybe you might want to seek her excellent coaching on these MOST important talks about your and MoM’s future!



  100.  #100Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 7:58 am

    I saved these posts from a few months back because I thought they were so helpful…
    All about $$

    “Lotus *****I’m not sure how to talk about this with him, as when we have done, we seem to disagree, and we get upset, he has said that I’d be selfish if I’m earning money, as partnership is more about contributing equally and that he can’t do it by himself. I just feel worried that I will be put under pressure or feel disappointment if I’m not earning enough money to contribute. I want my partner to try to provide, because he feels it’s his duty.*****
    When I am in a relationship, I keep being an “I”, the “I” who cocreates the “us” together with “you”. If I let the “I” die, there is nobody left to cocreate the “us” with “you”. The relationship ends up dying too.
    Financially, it is recommended that each party A and B keeps being an “I” and so each keeps a separate personal account for each’s own personal money (My Money) and they share together another account for the couple/family/relationship money (Our money).
    The amount of money put monthly with no failure in the “Our Money” account is to be negotiated together and is the money needed to pay the couple’s unavoidable bills such as mortgage, electricity, house repairs, food, insurances, etc…, kids’ expenses, schooling, etc…
They also negotiate together the “Us Money”, which is the money for fun shared together. (Trips together, restaurants together, movies together etc…)
    Say they both decided that the “Our Money” account should be fed 3000$ each month, no matter what.
Say A earns 3000$ a month and B earns 1000$ a month.
So it means A earns 75% of the couple’s income and B earns 25% of the couple’s income.
Therefore, each month A will put in the “Our Money” account 75% of the monthly input (= A will put 2250$) and B will put 25% of the monthly input (= B will put 750$)
    Nowadays, A could be a man or a woman and B also could be a man or a woman, but say A is a man and B a woman.
    That leaves A with 750$ a month to put in his “My Money” account and it leaves B with 250$ a month to put in her “My Money” account with no need to ask each other what they can use it for ( like a trip with friends without the spouse).
By the way, the special time out with friends have to be negotiated beforehand too. You know, if you know you will go mountain climbing once a year, you have to let him know before you marry him and to negotiate when. Same for him.
    When either of you need personal money because your “My Money” account is empty, you can NOT take from the “Our Money” account to compensate. You wait for your next pay check to get in. The respect and stability of the common account is the mirror of the respect and stability of the relationship/family. In real emergency, if you will take money from it anyway, you sign a loan agreement and you put the money back with interest.
    So, as your personal income fluctuates up and down, you keep calculating your input in terms of percentage. It is not about equality but about equity. Things must feel “breathable” to each party.
    If A falls in love with B who makes 25% of the total of both their incomes, so be it, he knows he will have to pay 75% of their shared bills.
    If what A wants is to pay no more than 50%, then be it. Let A find a woman who makes equal money he makes. Why not? But they both need to be clear on that before they get emotionally more invested and hoping to raise babies together.
    If B makes 0% money of the total of both their incomes and A marries B, then be it. A knows his life will not be financially uplifted and even more he will spend more than ever with a wife and children under his total financial responsibility. So wether A will be left with money for his “My Money” account so he can keep being an “I”, depends on his own income only.
Is his income even enough to feed the imaginary 3000$ a month into the “Our Money” account? Will he have to lower his expectations for the “Our Money” account, in order to keep B? It’s his choice, as long as it is said clearly and negotiated before marriage and making babies.
    In any case, it is his choice. Don’t count on changing his vibes about money and marriage. He wants what he wants.
    Do his wants fit your wants? This is a question I would invest energy on when I am still single.
    So, what do you want? Knowing that being the party that inputs 0% in the “Our Money” account, kind of implies your “My Money” account stays empty. Is giving up being an “I”, what you want?
    Some men do negotiate an amount of money they will put into their wife’s “My Money” account. But again, these men do it because they want to and because they can afford it and they are clear about it during the engagement weeks. No need to walk on egg shells with them about your want if what you want is to focus on educating your family and be paid for it.
    You have to be clear on your want in order to be heard and therefore noticed by the man who wants and who can afford the same thing. Whoever he is. May he be the man you are dating today or may he be a new man.

    B
“Honey, is now a good time to share my dream about my life as a mother?”
    A
“Yes”
    B
“I see myself leaving my job to be a full time mother and focus on our family and our home and feel grounded and happy when you come back home.”
    A
“Oh? That sounds good, indeed. I feel sad I can’t participate in your dream. I don’t make enough money to pay on my own the bills for everybody.”
    B
“Well, in my dream we rent a two bedrooms flat, and the kids go to public school, so really your salary would be enough.”
    A
“Oh! That sounds more like a night mare to me than a dream! In my dream, we own a comfortable 4 bedrooms suburban house with garden and 2 garages. And our kids go to sport and art clubs all year long and we take them on holidays twice a year. And I take my old parents around regularly, I owe them that much.”
    B
“Hmmmm…. That’s a feel good dream too. Yet I feel anxious your salary does not cover for it.”
    A
“I know! So my wife will share the expenses 1 to 1. We’ll be equally responsible for our family bills. And she will pay her own bill like her car just like I am paying for my own car.”
    B
“Oh? What if she wants to be a stay at home mother at least the 2 first years of the babies’ life? Will she have to give her car back?”
    A
“She can’t be a stay at home mother. If she does, we’d have to sell out and down grade our style of life. I am not doing that to my babies. I want a comfortable life for them and me.”
    B
“I feel anxious. What if I can’t make enough money to pay 50% of the bills created in your dream. What if I can’t emotionally handle to work in something I don’t like but pays the right money for your dream. I feel drained just thinking of it now. I feel sad thinking of dropping my own babies at a stranger’s home at 6 in the morning just so I can go away to make money to pay for 2 garages. I feel depressed already.”
    ________________________________
=> Either A answers:
“Well, I certainly don’t want you to feel drained and depressed. I think we’ve hit a wall here. I am not the man who fits in your dream and you are not the woman who fits in my dream.
When I step in your dream, I feel limited and drained out of my money, I don’t feel happy and I want to be happy.
When you step in my dream, you feel drained and anxious, you don’t feel happy and I want a happy wife.”
    And B says:
” Ouch! This feels painful to hear but rings true!
Sometimes, the man in my dream lives your dream of a bigger life but is rich enough to pay for it himself while I raise our family and when I realise you can’t be that man in my dream because you don’t make the money it takes, well then the man in my dream becomes a man with the same income as yours but he is happy to build a much smaller life with me. Then I realise “smaller life” does not belong to your dream, so I go back to dreaming of a man with a bigger income, which is still not you. I am making myself dizzy trying to fit a peg in a hole while circling around in my own dream.
It feels sooooo painful to hear we just don’t fit in each other’s dream, but I thank you for helping me stop that ruminating.”
    ________________________________
=> OR A answers:
“Hey, Babe? It’s just a dream. I’ll adapt to reality. I love you and as long as you contribute with your percentage equivalent to the percentage of money you make, I will feel respected and be more than happy to pay for the rest. And yes, I would prefer you keep bringing your financial percentage with no failure, but I can see how it will work better for our family if you stop working when our children are little. We’ll find a way when time comes to find a way. As long as we keep together, we’ll keep strong and smart. We won’t be short of ideas to pay bills and at the same time let you be the mother you want to be.”
    And B says:
“Awwww… Darling, this feels so soothing to hear. I feel reassured we’ll create a good vibes family. Of course I will always contribute my financial percentage! As small as might be. Mathematics are magical! I feel happy and trustful! I love you.”



  101.  #101Starla on February 24, 2016 at 8:19 am

    Lol, this has happened before and will happen again. It’s the siren circle of inevitability. Can’t even keep count of how many times sirens have left the blog out of frustration… And eventually come back. I’ve done this myself at least two times, maybe more. Sigh, like quitting smoking. This is my third or fourth time quitting. Sometimes I go years without smoking. And years without posting here. Was so triggered. Once I was genuinely attacked, name calling and all, and it was so not okay. I lost my cool for sure in response and I’d do it again. Still mad about that one, but hey, she has to live with her lame personality so that’s karma enough. The other times I was just being sensitive as heck and posted like 20 bazillion triggered times in a row, which is a pretty good sign you’ve gone off balance.

    Sirens rage quit all the time here. It’s what we do, LOL. Big hugs to all of us.



  102.  #102Starla on February 24, 2016 at 8:28 am

    My boyfriend is a big smoker so it’s really hard to quit. I hate everything and everyone today. And yesterday he did something that makes me feel so terrible and I just raged and cried about it but didn’t smoke. Tomorrow should be easier.



  103.  #103Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 8:33 am

    Brava!
    The most difficult part is going through a scandal with the boyfriend and not going back to smoking. If you managed to survive this one, you will be perfectly fine!



  104.  #104Victoria on February 24, 2016 at 8:35 am

    However, the fact that he is a smoker makes it extrahard for you to stay quit. Sending you positive vibrations and keeping my fingers crossed for you.



  105.  #105Starla on February 24, 2016 at 8:55 am

    Thank you Victoria. I feel murderous toward him. I don’t have a single crutch at this point to numb my negative feelings toward him so it’s all coming up. Sometimes he is just total BS. In the past i would smoke after a long time without to calm myself down after he acted very cruelly to me or hurt me very badly with some patterns he has with me. How pathetic that i sacrificed my own health and happiness to tolerate what he was doing to me.

    Oh ladies I feel so very angry today. I already let him know yesterday how very awful a certain behavior is to me, and I really let my anger out about it, so I will just ride the rest of it out here in this safe space. He heard me and he knows I’m not happy, so there’s no reason to keep at it with him. I do love him and am not trying to hurt the man if I can avoid it.



  106.  #106Starla on February 24, 2016 at 9:03 am

    I have three small chocolates I’m allowing myself today to help with the withdrawals but I don’t want to trade one crutch for another. I just want to clear out all this dependence on crutches and be a clean and healthy person physically and emotionally.



  107.  #107Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 9:13 am

    Starla…
    I’m VERY inspired by your staying strong
    NOT smoking in the wake of a fight with your BF!!! :->

    As inspiration for you… I have 2 gf who stopped smoking and both the husbands still do….
    YOU CAN Do THIS! :-))
    oxoxo



  108.  #108Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 9:21 am

    Starla,
    Interesting about Sirens leaving and coming back…
    It feels awful to hear about you being called names on Siren Island… NOT good…

    I’ve read most of the archived blog posts and some of the comments… I haven’t run across such negative triggered speeches yet…

    I notice Sirens do just drop away…especially after they start living with a man…
    might be hard to post when the husband/boyfriend has access to my computer…
    I could see how I might stop…
    Right now he doesn’t have much time alone in my house while i’m not here
    and when he is I make sure I close out my Rori windows and clear my history…
    :-))
    Too much info on here can be taken the wrong way by a man…
    I do share some of the lessons I am learning and some of the changes I am working on…
    Spirit does have an open, warm, heart about that…



  109.  #109Starla on February 24, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Thank you thank you. I quit smoking for about 11 months while living with or living across the hall from my boyfriend. Honestly, the first time I smoked after that was to calm my own self down because I was the one being insane toward him. He called me out on it and I knew he was right. I needed to check myself and I was so riled up that I knew a cigarette would help and I just wanted to stop feeling so panicked and awful inside. A couple weeks later, he really upset me and I smoked to calm down. After that, I’ve always started smoking again when upset about our relationship.

    LOL, I sound like a serious drug addict. It’s not that serious. Except it kind of is=/.

    Gosh, I hope he doesn’t secretly read my comments here.



  110.  #110Starla on February 24, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Azure, Rori does delete anything that goes way off the rails, which explains why you haven’t seen a lot of it.



  111.  #111Starla on February 24, 2016 at 9:45 am

    I don’t want to fight at all with that man. No part of me wants to fight unless we have to. We don’t always HAVE to, but many times he absolutely chooses to take it to that level. He blames me for it. Like I control him. And yet he complains that I can be too controlling. Well control yourself, then. It’s not fair to me to both insist I am somehow in control of your reactions and also complain that I am too controlling. It’s crazy making. I don’t like it. Blah.

    Cranky cranky Starla. Feels good to vent.



  112.  #112Starla on February 24, 2016 at 10:11 am

    I’m going to keep riffing here. Stop me if I’m making anyone feel like our blog is my punching bag now.

    About triggering each other on the blog… I always see it turn into a power struggle. If one siren gets triggered enough, then anything you say at all that doesn’t magically conform to her explicit and secret needs for what she needs to hear in that moment feels like an attack on her. It becomes a contest of who feels more victimized.

    And well, that’s just immature BS. And I am saying that to remind myself to be less like that. Because it’s a sign of a failure to self-regulate emotions and place the blame on others in a way that is totally inappropriate. I do this and I don’t want to. I have gotten much better at it. It’s a dumb habit I picked up from my mama. She has an emotional regulation-based personality disorder so I am always trying not to be like her. Which is pretty unhealthy in itself… I feel hateful toward myself when I am anxious, triggered, upset, etc., because I spent so many years being raised by someone who would treat me like total crzp if she felt any of those things. And I just don’t want to be like her.

    I hope this day gets easier. Ohhhh goodness.



  113.  #113Starla on February 24, 2016 at 10:19 am

    And the person who gets into a defensive mode against the triggered person is also immature. We’re all immature. What to do about this? I don’t know. Smoke about it? LOL.

    Sorry, I know I shouldn’t have posted what I said in my previous comment. It’s not going to help anyone or anything. But I have opinions, guys! My opinions are super important! And I’m not feeling terribly important in my personal life so let me just compensate for it here, yeahhhhhhhh good thinking.

    Patting myself on the head and shoving a cookie in my mouth (well not really because I gave up cookies).



  114.  #114Starla on February 24, 2016 at 10:26 am

    I just want to feel important and like I actually know something and have grown. I am an emotional danger to myself and everyone around me today. Which is kind of ironic considering the nature of my comments about getting triggered on the blog today. Now I’m just spamming. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Feeling lonely. Feeling this persistent pain in my lower shoulder that shoots into my head and has been giving me a headache for 2 days.



  115.  #115Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 10:58 am

    Starla,
    We are here for you as you go through the withdrawals!!
    Have you tried any of the patches etc?
    I really don’t know anyone who has used them so I have no info on their effectiveness…

    Ohhh… that would make since to delete the super negative posts… they certainly don’t need archiving!
    :0)

    Geee… I can certainly relate to your comments on how you were raised…
    My mother blamed all three of us girls for EVERYTHING that happened…
    and then would withdraw, the little bit of love she gave us, for weeks and month… VERY abusive….

    So when I got close to any man or while I was raising my children.. I would loudly blame them for EVERYTHING… bring up all the past and dump it during any kind of argument…
    Sooooo controlling!!
    I feel ashamed and such a BAD PERSON for doing this to my children…
    I have apologized… but the damage has been done…
    Now I am working on helping them work thru it all…
    I was such a FRIGHTENED person…
    so scared…
    My sweet, innocent heart had so many holes that were crying to be filled!!
    and slowly, over the years… **I** have been able to fill those empty places…
    it was so exciting for me when I realized (20 years ago, after reading “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lernner
    that **I** can fill those empty places in MY HEART!!

    Rori feels like the next key to the puzzle of self love
    I feel blessed to have found her…
    the Worst heartache from a BF-BK- that wasn’t ready for a relationship (and really neither was I)
    Brought me here to Siren Island
    and SOOOO much healing!

    Yes, group hug to all you AMAZING Sirens.
    Thank you!
    much love to you!



  116.  #116Starla on February 24, 2016 at 11:09 am

    I’ve never used a quit-aide but it seems to me like it draws out the quitting process longer than necessary. I tend to relapse months later, not days, so it doesn’t seem useful to me. It might take the edge off but at some point I am going to have to confront the edge. So I will just go through a few days of it now.

    I can’t believe how unloved and unwanted I feel. I feel so empty inside. I miss my crutches. This is the first time I’ve given up every substance including food as a coping mechanism. It’s overwhelming. I feel so lonely.

    I’ve thought about throwing myself back into spirituality as my new crutch. But a crutch is a crutch.

    Thank you soooo much for all your support.

    Truth is, I feel unsupported and unloved by my boyfriend right now, but just letting me get all my anger out and not telling me I’m a bad person for it is totally supportive. I have expectations of what his love and support should look like this week, though, and he is not meeting expectations even a little. I just have a story running in my head that he doesn’t want me at all.

    Maybe I will get in the shower and have a good cry.



  117.  #117Starla on February 24, 2016 at 11:13 am

    Azure, it’s great you’ve apologized to your children! That is so promising and wonderful for them and for you.

    Mine will never apologize. She’d sooner kill herself. She says “I can’t change the past” if any of her wrongdoings come up. And then something along the lines of “even when you were a child, you were so hard to please.” I really appreciate that you have the capacity to apologize. It’s such a game changer. <3 <3 <3



  118.  #118Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 11:16 am

    ((((Starla))))
    I’m trying to give up over eating… I have gained 10 lbs over the holidays and now with Spirit around…
    He eats like a man… there is lots MORE food around (snacks!!!!)
    and I am NOT good at saying no thank you…
    But I am trying to notice my stomach… how it feels
    Am I still full?
    I am a very petite 5′ 2″ and I really can’t eat very much
    ESPECIALLY since i’ve stopped working out much…
    I usually slow down in the winter months…
    i do Jillian Michaels – High Intensity Interval Training DVDs
    They are WONDERFUL – especially when I actually do the work outs…
    I’ve done the 5 different ones for 3 years and I’m VERY bored with them…
    I am going to sign up for Daily Burn free trial and see if that will snap me out of this lethargy!!
    :0|



  119.  #119Starla on February 24, 2016 at 11:24 am

    You might like blogilates. They are free on youtube.

    I was going to to go to the gym last night but then I got so overwhelmed and angry with my boyfriend, I just went to bed! I felt so angry that I couldn’t even get a workout in. I have some suspicion that if my heart rate gets above 120 I might spontaneously combust right now. But that’s okay because my tears would put the fire out.



  120.  #120Starla on February 24, 2016 at 11:25 am

    You might like blogilates. They are free online.

    I was going to to go to the gym last night but then I got so overwhelmed and angry with my boyfriend, I just went to bed! I felt so angry that I couldn’t even get a workout in. I have some suspicion that if my heart rate gets above 120 I might spontaneously combust right now. But that’s okay because my tears would put the fire out.



  121.  #121Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 11:46 am

    Starla…
    He He He… spontaneously combust!
    Wow… it’s so interesting to read ALL the feelings
    that are coming up for you…
    I really never considered how cig smoking
    also blocks feelings…
    Hang in there ohhhh… glorious soldier of your life!!!



  122.  #122Starla on February 24, 2016 at 11:49 am

    Blocking feelings is the number one reason I think most people go have a smoke aside from habitual compulsion. I notice my boyfriend “smokes about it” whenever he’s stressed, and if we get into heated arguments, he escapes it with a cigarette.

    Thank you, Azure, for engaging with me here today. It’s great distraction.



  123.  #123Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 11:59 am

    Starla #117
    Ohhhh… that warms my heart and gives me hope to hear that you believe it is important to my childrens’
    success and Happiness that I have apologized…
    Many times actually…
    and then I continually share with them
    my growth and
    issues that I am trying to work on
    through MY journey…

    You are welcome… I happen to have the time
    today and i feel happy that it is helpful for you
    sweet, darling Starla!
    oxoxo



  124.  #124Azure Blu on February 24, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Starla.
    Blogilates… interesting… I’ll look that up!
    Thanks



  125.  #125Lovergirl on February 24, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    Thanks Victoria, Dixie and Azure. Love the stories, and they are helpful to read. The encouragement is nice too

    Today he finally deleted her but for a bit there he wasn’t going to. He finally decided if it would give him another chance to make things right with me, he would. Im still pretty tangled up about it.

    I flat out told my co-worker that I saw that he had friended her and that he and I have been sleeping together for 8 months. I said I wasn’t mad at her but that I thought his behavior was shady. She said she would let me know if he tried to cozy up to her. She also had a different story about why he added her. She said he told her it was some reason so the radio station could contact her and that she felt a little weird giving her personal info to a client but didnt want to be weird.

    Anyway, I felt a little better after talking to her. We joked around about the threesome thing. She said the one time she tried a girl she threw up,.lol.

    Anyway, I know he has lied to me and he isnt admitting it. He adamantly maintains that his intentions were innocent. He wants me to come over and talk about it face to face.

    At first I was angry and wouldn’t agree to it, but im feeling a little more forgiving now. I just dont know.



  126.  #126Starla on February 24, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    ((((lovergirl)))))



  127.  #127Starla on February 24, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    I am finally calming the eff down. Wow that was a rough day.



  128.  #128BeLoved on February 24, 2016 at 5:49 pm

    Azure Blu – I’ve been doing Daily Burn for a while and I LOVE it! I started the kettlebell program, and with it comes some great mobility workouts for rest days that are unlike anything I’ve done before so I especially love them.

    I’m loving and appreciating that I also just started week 3 of a couch-to-5K program which I’ve been meaning to start for AGES. Having an app on my phone for cues makes all the difference in the world to me.



  129.  #129Tee on February 24, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    Another low key day with E. Still leaning back & observing.

    It dawned on me today that he really hasn’t been out of the house much & if so, not for very long!

    I remember a few months back just being upset that it seemed he just didn’t want to be here. I figured with him having money & being on hiatus from work for a bit that he’d be all over the place!

    I haven’t done anything but shift my vibe. I recently came up with a list of books that I want to read when I have the chance. E showed me how to pull up samples of the books on the Kindle so I’ve been downloading and reading for a while now and just happy that I can try a book out 🙂

    I guess I’ve become a better listener when it comes to him & less emotionally skittish. There was a surprise trip to Chuck E. Cheese for Isiah this afternoon. Everyone enjoyed it although I think our son is still a little young to fully appreciate the place & all that it offers.

    E also mentioned that the next time I hear from the landlord, I need to tell him to speak to my husband!!

    I was like Wooooow check him out lol

    Soooooo it’s fascinating to just sit back sometimes



  130.  #130Posie on February 24, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    This word “triggered” feels very strange to me. Very very strange. What does that even mean I wonder? When I personally say that I feel triggered by something, I intend to say that I feel like something in my surroundings has landed in a way that was unexpected and feels a little uncomfortable. And I mean to say that when I feel “triggered” I feel like I better do some self reflecting because there is clearly an old wound that needs healing. I NEVER mean to say that someone should stop what they are doing or saying or that they are being wrong somehow with me. If I feel like someone is inappropriately causing me pain, or maybe not inappropriately but that I would feel better with a little space to breathe or digest, I just kindly say that. I don’t say “I feel triggered.” That’s how I use the term anyway. I see that word all the time here and I wonder if it hasn’t become a substitute for something else.

    I also remember reading once about damage that women can sometimes do to eachother through an excessive tendency to constantly validate one another. Caring as we are.



  131.  #131Millie on February 24, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    Tee– I feel so happy hearing about all of the positive changes with E and your relationship!! It seems he is really enjoying his role these days and allowing his attractively masculine side to show!!! 🙂 I love it!

    Posie– I find myself using the sentence “I feel triggered” a lot. It actually feels natural to me. To me the word trigger refers back to a gun, when it is cocked and loaded and ready to fire. Not a bad thing at all, but sometimes our emotional patterns lead us to feel “ready to fire” repeatedly in certain situations. Noticing those patterns and delving into the why behind it and the true feelings behind it can allow us to change our patterns instead of continually firing like a gun on autopilot. Every time you depress the trigger it fires. That’s how it relates to me and how I imagine myself when I say it. What word do you feel better using there?



  132.  #132Millie on February 24, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    I’m sorry to see Mandy and Indigo go.
    I love reading their words and seeing their presence on the blog, but I understand disagreements happen.

    Missing Femininewoman’s voice lately, Labbit too!!! and as always Andrea, who I hope is well!

    Not much happening this week for me, just working a lot and feeling extremely tired. I think because I went off my birth control pills due to a hiccup in insurance, which I have been taking for years. Part of me wants to stay off it and is wondering if this hiccup is the universe telling me to follow that. It’s amazing how it affects your energy level. I have been having the worst headaches and sluggishness feelings for the few days I am not taking it already. Something about being all natural and letting my body be sounds so appealing right now. Pregnancy isn’t even a conversation, but I did start taking it originally for my skin. Hoping I don’t break out again without it. We shall see…



  133.  #133Millie on February 24, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    Starla– I have the same bad habit of smoking when I feel really triggered or am having an altercation with a man. It’s SO hard to fight. It’s strange, because I actually have a negative view of smokers. The idea of having a “need” to do something, that the addiction controls you, the compulsion…and it disgusts me that I do it sometimes. I feel less than, when I do it. I know I am feeling more balanced when I don’t feel that compulsion anymore, when it feels icky to do. I go in and out of that. I also think a little less of the person I’m dating if they are a compulsive smoker. I’ve read that smoking is a way of self-medicating and I can’t help but wonder what a person’s issue is, when I see someone outside alone, smoking. I know I’m reading into it too much, but I do have a lot of thoughts around this. The last thing I want to share is that my father smoked when my mom met him and she told him that she wouldn’t marry someone who would most likely get lung cancer one day and she would have to take care of. So, he quit smoking! I don’t know if you feel that way with your man, but I know it is very hard when one person in the relationship smokes and the other is trying to stop.



  134.  #134Tee on February 24, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    #130 Thank you Millie for your kind words! I’m loving this side of E too!
    I have to be truthful though & say that I’m nervous

    Some part of me believes that things are flowing now because of the refund check lol

    He feels confident & easygoing because there’s a nice little cushion in the bank. My fear is that once it’s gone, will this side of him disappear too?

    I’m just curious because people have a tendency to be free-er when the money is more abundant than usual, then once that cushion is gone…they revert back.

    For this reason, I’m trying to not have any solid thoughts for fear that I’ll become attached to this version of him that I’m afraid might be temporary

    Does this make sense? :/



  135.  #135Posie on February 24, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    I don’t know Millie, I think when I hear it from some others on here or in some contexts, it sounds more like they mean to say “I feel really really angry and someone else is causing it and should stop.” Or “I don’t like what you’re saying and I’m shutting down so I don’t have to hear it.” That’s not how I mean it. I hear your meaning and it also makes sense to me. In that sort of reactionary way when we feel threatened. But does that “triggered” also subconsciously imply that someone else is at fault or do we take responsibility for our own emotional reactions? I guess the question then is what do you do with the loaded gun and who is it pointed at?



  136.  #136Millie on February 24, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    Tee– Yeah that makes sense!!
    I guess all we can do is enjoy the moment, the present, and try not to worry about the future, although it is hard not to!!



  137.  #137Millie on February 24, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Posie– the way I interpret it for myself is that we are responsible for our reactions and regardless of the situation and “triggers” indicate an unresolved pain within us. To me, it feels like evidence of something hidden inside me that I haven’t given attention to. I don’t see every situation where I feel anger as “triggered” and for me, I wouldn’t describe every situation where there was anger that way. The way I interpret Rori’s readings on the subject is that no one is ever “at fault” there is only How I feel as a result of what someone else does or says. If I notice a reaction consistently in me, that feels like a button being pushed, then it is a pattern, and becomes hard to process, but for me, I don’t feel like all my anger is a pattern, sometimes it is unique to the situation and I would not describe it as a trigger. I think threatened is actually a really good word for it too!!! I’m sure everyone feels/sees “feeling triggered” as different for them. I wonder what the other sirens think/feel about using this word?



  138.  #138Tee on February 24, 2016 at 9:11 pm

    #135 Well if all else fails, I’m hopeful that this will open up a new dialogue between us concerning money which is always sticky.

    I also found it interesting that E desires a closer, deeper bond but doesn’t know how to ask so he kinda makes up scenarios where he acts like I can’t be trusted. Hard to explain but here’s an example

    E: Who are you over there texting?
    Me: I’m not texting anybody….
    E: Give me your phone
    Me: (I hand it to him, he ignores it, I shrug & go back to typing) You want me to send you a….
    E: I don’t wanna hear it
    Me: (laughing) I’m part of this group on Facebook….
    E: I don’t wanna hear it, I think we need to combine pages

    E loves to tease, kid, joke around & all that stuff so his acting like he was upset and suspicious was making me laugh

    Then it dawned on me that he wants more but as a man, or maybe just as E, he doesn’t know how to bridge that gap. He does that alot! Like instead of saying that he’d like us to cook together more, he’ll wait until I start to cook and then he’ll come next to me to “supervise”

    It really use to piss me off! Again, I thought he was being controlling, like he was trying to train me, etc. Then I had to really think about it. E is pretty much a foodie, he likes to eat, he likes to cook and experiment and share.
    I’m no Emeril but it’s pretty hard to screw up a few things so I decided that this was His peculiar way of wanting to bond yet he didn’t have the words to express that

    So now instead of being pissed, I tease him back or ask questions



  139.  #139Starla on February 24, 2016 at 9:58 pm

    Ugh, tonight went sideways. It’s been a rough week. I think about bailing a lot because I feel so much angst that it’s hard for me to deal with so continuously. He has been pretty clear that i need to put duct tape on my mouth sometimes. He’s not wrong. I appreciate him being so blunt. It’s something I’ve asked for repeatedly so it’s promising that he’s doing it now. He says he’s not going anywhere but i definitely don’t trust that one bit. I want to leave before putting any more on the line and having him leave anyway. It took him a bit to really get that I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. He is trying to be patient but i can tell he hates it. At least he can smoke about it, lol. Maybe i will never feel safe in relationships in this lifetime. The only way i will feel safe enough to handle this is to not care if he stays or goes. But i do care… I love him too much. Loving people is stupid. Next time i will try harder not to…



  140.  #140Victoria on February 25, 2016 at 12:36 am

    Posie,
    With regards to “triggered” I am not a native English speakers, and it would have never occured to me to use this word before I saw it repeatedly on the blog, so I consider it to be a part of the jargon here, even though I am not sure it is an “official” RR term the way “lean back” and “CD” are. To me, being “triggered” means that I feel “forced” to say something about something else has said. What the other poster may or may not be about me (mostly it is not) but purely about their own experience and feelings. Also, being triggered, in my mind, is mostly a negative expereince and it usually happens when I recognize someone is (repeatedly) making the same mistake that I am making, and I have unresolved feelings of shame and anger about my own behavior.
    Being triggered to me feels like “I really want to give you a lecture of what you did wrong here” but at the bottom of it comes unresolved issues between me and myself. Some things people say here are very triggering to me, and other, that I see triggering other people, raise zero emotion in me. We are both alike and different, isn’t we wonderful?



  141.  #141Starla on February 25, 2016 at 8:20 am

    Well I am going to have a session with the lovely Leigha Lake this afternoon and can hopefully get myself figured out some. I always feel better after talking to her.



  142.  #142Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 10:39 am

    Starla how about “acting as if” you don’t care. Just for trying sake. Just give up



  143.  #143Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Kim I just love your story so much I just want to say “you silly goose”.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Millie I’ve been travelling to see my daughter in college so I decided to totally focus on her and not post. I feel good to know I was missed



  145.  #145Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 10:57 am

    Kim I don’t think it was a bad moment. As a matter I think it might have been his pattern breaking style. Just come with something totally unexpected to break the cycle of an argument. Genius.



  146.  #146Azure Blu on February 25, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Victoria #139
    Yes…
    I agree…
    “Being triggered to me feels like “I really want to give you a lecture of what you did wrong here” but at the bottom of it comes unresolved issues between me and myself. ”

    When I feel “Triggered” i can feel myself getting angry
    or super anxious…
    I can feel my body getting tense
    and wanting to lash out at the person who has stirred this up for me
    to take a closer look at…

    Now that i have a better, loving understanding of
    my feelings
    -I TRY-
    to stop and see what is going on with ME
    What are the unresolved issues I can look at
    to learn MORE about me..
    make this hot button less and less overpowering?

    It has helped, in my journey to loving my Drama Queen, to call these feelings “triggers”
    This word sums up a set up steps I want to take
    to learning more about AZURE, and Loving every BIT of HER!!
    oxoxo



  147.  #147Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Indigo you know what many times we don’t agree but more times than not I agree with what you say. Including this situation. I have reasons why I agree. I also don’t think you were totally off in relation to what the coaches have said either. I am sure if they shared here what they heard there would be some differences in the information they shared.

    I also do believe that you were sharing from your experiences. I also note that many ladies when they have created great relationships their postings go down to little or nothing and I have noted that your postings have been falling off so my assumption is that you are in the middle of creating something great for yourself. As such, no problem if one person doesn’t like your advice. We all are where we are and we are not always ready to hear the truth. Or have our sensitive spots touched or have a light shone on our blindspots.



  148.  #148Azure Blu on February 25, 2016 at 11:14 am

    Kim #60
    I love how you are accepting his version of Romantic!!!
    Accepting HIS love
    And asking for what would feel good to you…
    a proper asking…
    Very Sireny!!
    It all sounds very romantic to me too!

    MoM looking for the perfect ring…
    waiting for a perfect moment…
    Ahhhh… warm, sweet LOVE!



  149.  #149Azure Blu on February 25, 2016 at 11:18 am

    /Feminine Woman #144
    Welcome BACK!!! I hope you had a wonderful time visiting your daughter!

    I like what you have said here…
    MoM breaking the argument cycle…
    His masculine energy leading
    the relationship OUT of an argument!!



  150.  #150Kim on February 25, 2016 at 11:21 am

    FW hehe that made me smile.
    I was thinking today how much the man has changed….something I did not think was possible.
    When we first met he said he was not really for marriage…and I remember him even saying he find engagement rings so silly, materialistic and not special.
    I kind of agreed with him and saw his point but I had my own views on all that…
    Meanwhile fast forward two years and me getting ready to change up my life and he spends days at the jewelers, drops a chunk of money….on a gorgeous ring that he was then carrying around with him for two months….lol.
    It still makes me laugh.
    Now he is totally cool, calm and collected after two months of coming to terms with it all and I feel like a headless chicken lol.
    Oh well.
    I guess it is ok to feel weird after 40 years on this planet and not ever having the ring or a serious proposal – I am so used to dping everything alone and being free….
    Now who is the commitment phobe?’ Lol



  151.  #151Kim on February 25, 2016 at 11:26 am

    147 Azure yes, the perfect moment that never came 😉
    Now I understand all the times he seemed weird or nervous when we were out and about somewhere nice….didn’t want me to go to bed NYE….was really annoyed at the mosquitos and me having to run away at the Alligator hole hike….fiddling with his pockets (worried he would lose it). Now it all makes sense! The bag with the box is so tattered…everytime I look at it here I am smiling and thinking of the ring burning a hole in his pockets ha!



  152.  #152Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 12:05 pm

    Re 149 – Yep

    CCarter has a version of what you explain. Dealing with the doubts and questions and how the man goes through the same thing but almost at a totally different time that the woman does. Its like we do it backwards. Kind of similar to Starla situation also. When the man has gone through his doubts and settled his for himself the woman starts the cycle. Its almost like nature has set us up to sabotage ourselves.



  153.  #153Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    The guy is doing the guy thing to make a big deal about the engagement to try and make it special. Poor MoM.



  154.  #154Kim on February 25, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    152 I know, I felt bad for him. And me lol.
    Hence we are having a do-over next week on holiday…
    He did succeed in surprising me though. That, he did.



  155.  #155Liquid Light on February 25, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Congratulations Kim! Very happy for you! Your story made me giggle and smile! Its hilarious that he carried the ring around for 2 months! And its also very romantic! 🙂



  156.  #156Starla on February 25, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    FW, that is great advice you have for me.

    I talked to Miss Leigha Lake and she always makes me feel like I can handle ANYTHING. She is worth every penny — highly recommend her.



  157.  #157Lovergirl on February 25, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Congratulations Kim!! What a nice surprise!!



  158.  #158Lovergirl on February 25, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    Well, I had it out with RadioCD a couple of times in the past couple of days about him friending my co-worker. Ive finally calmed down enough to forgive him.

    He wanted me to come over last night to talk and I was going to, but then decided I felt too tired and not like dealing with it so I went to sleep. This morning he called me and we had an over an hour long conversation.

    It was really pretty exhausting and I kept telling him I didn’t want to hear excuses. He was yelling about how he had to prove his integrity to me and that he was going to go get a video from the place we were working to prove he didnt do anything wrong. Im like, you wouldn’t do that and it wouldn’t prove anything about your intentions anyway, but he kept going on about it. He even tried to insist that my co-worker was lying because her story was different than his (as though she had any reason to lie, I feel like she was pretty innocent here).

    Anyway, I just wasnt buying it and he just kept getting more and more dramatic. Then he said we arent even in a relationship and you see how hard I am fighting to keep you in my life? Cant you see I care about you? I dont want her, I want YOU. Every time I come.out there its to see YOU and I didn’t want you to leave early!!

    I guess thats the part that melted my reserve. :p He was like im fighting with you like we are married, its not just about having sex with you, I value your friendship even more than that. He said nothing was ever going to happen with my co-worker and that I just felt threatened by her.

    I said yes, I feel threatened. Its important to me to have good relationships with the people I work with in order to be able to do my job. I need to be in a good mood and happy and having fun with them to be able to make sales. I dont need competition with them over men and that stresses me out. It does make me feel threatened.

    He said there is no competition and that he doesn’t want her. He said she is a beautiful woman but im not trying to sleep with her. He said his whole purpose in even doing all of this is for me and because he wants me to be happy and do well with it (the partnership we have with the radio station).

    So, I don’t know. I guess im just going to give him another chance and see how it goes. She is deleted off his Facebook and since I have talked to both of them I doubt anything would happen now.



  159.  #159Leigha Lake on February 25, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    Starla… thank you!!! Reading this just made my day!!! 🙂 xoxoxoxo



  160.  #160Dixie on February 25, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    AzureBlu…this is in response to your question to me from the earlier thread (and thank you for turning my eyes inward!)

    I did have that conversation with D – the conversation opened and when he asked how I was feeling, I didn’t mince words. I said that I felt angry, confused, sad, and full of hot angry tears. We talked, he opened up and it felt like a shaky conversation but I stayed present and so did he. And he said he loves me. Yes, I know…. words, but to me, hearing those words holds a little weight. I can’t discount that. So… When I look at the larger picture, I am proud of myself for not swallowing my feelings, and not lashing out, because when that happens, I usually say things out of fear and hurt.

    But you suggested even more leaning back and CDing…..and I love that suggestion. I’ve fallen into a codependent trap here that feels VERY familiar. It feels stuck, for lack of a better word. He’s moved so much closer, then pulls back and I am playing that awful-feeling waiting game.

    I’m also feeling “stuck” at work, so emotionally drained at the end of the day that all the things I used to feel inspired by have fallen to the wayside. Feeling invisible to D in that moment was probably a reflection of me feeling invisible to myself. I feel confused, as though my pilot light, my spark, has been fizzling…. Once I can bring the attention back to myself, I’m sure I will feel less concerned with his stuff, his actions, etc.

    Azure, you asked if I knew what my heart wants, and yes, yes, yes! He’s been very tender and sweet and masculine so I want to have those feelings again in a lasting and profound relationship, one where we both thrive and grow into our best selves. I want to be in a relationship where I feel cherished, appreciated, protected, and loved. He has shown these qualities so many times, but reliability and constancy are lasting qualities, and really, that is a HUGE turn on! I want to be married again, very much, in a relationship that brims with passion.

    I need to find that in myself again though!!



  161.  #161Tee on February 25, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    I feel like I’ve been triggered ladies & it’s odd. I texted my cousin to see how things were going because she signed up to work from home with a company & I was curious to how things were going.

    We go back & forth for a while. She asks if there’s been any updates with our wedding plans. I said that I doubted we’d have the money to do things how E would like, etc etc

    Bottom line, it’s not about the wedding….once again it’s the money.
    E also wants to move because the place is small and he feels like the landlord isn’t doing enough

    I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsettled.
    I want to talk to E but he believes that I worry unnecessarily. Plus I’m trying to let him lead

    I’m not sure how I threw the apartment thing in with the wedding thing but I did

    My fear is that we’ll be put out & have to stay with my mother
    Yes, I’ve gotten comfortable being here
    Yes, I am nervous about leaving here
    Where will we go? Will we be able to afford it?

    I’m just so rattled at the moment
    I’m trying to not think too far ahead
    Trying to be positive. Maybe I should continue to lean back???



  162.  #162Millie on February 25, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    I wonder if feeling upset or sad that the right man isn’t showing up can be related to feeling exasperated that you don’t live in a mansion, or that you can’t afford a luxury car, or a horse, or anything else that seems out of reach. It’s useless worry when you don’t realistically make enough to buy those things for yourself. I would never stay at home at night and get spend time being upset at not having tangible, financial things, so why would I allow myself to stay home and feel upset that the right man isn’t showing up? I mean, one is related to earnings and the other isn’t, but aren’t they really on the same plane? Both things you can’t really make happen in that moment, both are long term goals, but not goals that can happen overnight. I don’t know…

    I’m just ready for miracles and magic to happen now.



  163.  #163Indigo on February 25, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    I just wanted to pop in and say congratulations to Kim!! 🙂

    I also wanted to say, that I felt very relieved and happy at what both Starla and Posie wrote. I’m too lazy to go and look for what you said now, but yes and yes.
    I have friends in my life whom I love dearly, and when I go to them to talk to them about a situation in my life, often I am unconsciously looking for affirmation of what I have done, or for them to agree with my position. When they point out what my blindspot is or what I could have done better, it is tempting to accuse them of being a bad friend and of not caring about me, even though I know for a fact that is not true. In the end, these are the friends I praise heaven and earth for, because they tell me what I need to hear, and not always what I want to hear. Of course there is a difference between telling someone the truth and just being negative, but I think many of us know the difference deep down. When someone seems to be pandering to you and telling you what you want to hear you need to question this, because this is generally the easy way. Again, tearing someone down is something totally different.

    FW, thank you very much, and you are quite right. I am in the middle of creating a beautiful relationship with one of the most wonderful men I have ever known. He is patient and kind and strong, and a man whom I seem to love and need very much. I absolutely was writing from my own experiences and from what I know to be true from my many heartaches and joys in love, and my own blindspots which I have uncovered. It’s not comfortable to look at them, it’s difficult and painful, but if I did not I would never be where I am today.



  164.  #164Victoria on February 26, 2016 at 1:21 am

    Indigo,
    I am very happy for you! How wonderful to have a good masculine man by your side!
    On the friends who can give you negative feedback – I actually do not like/have those. I like friends who are good listeners, and I know that I am very able to take care of my life. I am also hesitant to give negative feedback and to give advice regarding emotional stuff. I have a number of cases in which female friends asked me whether they should divorce, and even though I had a clear opinion in both cases (yes) I never said that, I told them that I simply do not know all there is to know in order to have an opinon (white lie) and that I am on their side, whatever they choose, I will support their choice and fight for their choice, together with them. Both chose to reconnect with their men, and I helped them with whatever joint female strategizing can come up with :-). I would do the same today.
    On the flip side, there was one case in which I gave a very serious negative feedback to a friend. She was going through a very long depression and was becoming an enormous energy drain to me, and her other friends. So, one day I sat her down and I told her, look, I love you dearly, but this has been going on forever, and I really feel like you are taking advantage of my energy and you are hiding behind your depresssion, it has become a comfortable tool to get sympathy and help from others, and it has been ok for a long time, but I am getting depleted, please get well already! She got very upset and almost cried at the time, but when she eventually re-claimed her life back, she came to me and thanked me, and told me this is what snapped her out of her drowing… So, life is strange.



  165.  #165Starla on February 26, 2016 at 7:17 am

    I see lots of good things being reported here and I haven’t given kudos! I’m excited for how everyone is growing.

    So I smoked last night. Same trigger… Boyfriend’s angry words that hurt. I’m going to go get the patch today. Gotta be honest with myself that cold turkey is too perilous.



  166.  #166Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Indigo…
    Ohhhh… I feel happy, sparkely confetti
    for your wonderful feelings with your new man…
    all your hard work with the Rori tools and with Dominique has prepared you for this LOVE
    you deserve!!!
    I am sending huggs and love to you!



  167.  #167Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Tee #160
    From listening to all your Siren work your are so bravely doing…

    I can see how *YOUR* healing
    is bringing healing to your relationship
    and that your masculine E is stepping up
    and you are letting yourself feel his love and adoration!
    Powerful

    to me it would seem good to share with him that
    you are feeling excited by his courage to move your family forward… and it is a turn on to watch him lead and guide your family…
    and YES… continue empowering him to lead
    by your loving, warm leaning back!
    and continue opening your heart to
    receive ALLLL the love and comfort and emotional/financial support he is GIVING
    to you and Isahia…
    So beautiful!



  168.  #168Femininewoman on February 26, 2016 at 8:06 am

    Tee 160 This reminds me of a comment I read from either Dominique or Rori – “I feel like a cauldron of emotions”.



  169.  #169Tee on February 26, 2016 at 8:23 am

    #166 Azure Blue
    It’s so fascinating these days letting E lead and take care of us. We just came back from ordering my glasses & he seemed to enjoy being able to voice his opinion & pay for the upgrade.

    #167 FW yes lol a cauldron of emotions! I need to relax! Things have a way of working out. I do love that he’s stepping up & feeling confident.
    I may need to shower myself with more love? I’m afraid that I’m putting too much angst, negativity and anxiety in the air.



  170.  #170Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 9:06 am

    Wow!!! i’m just learning so much watching you let E lead!!!
    with the glasses too… how cool is that!

    I like that… I think you’re right…
    unzipping our hearts and bathing ourselves in LOVE LOVE!!!
    i’m doing it right now!



  171.  #171Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 9:08 am

    Starla #164
    Yay to all of us on Siren Island!!!

    hang in there – good idea to try the patch…
    seems the answer is… whatever works is AWESOME!!



  172.  #172Millie on February 26, 2016 at 9:50 am

    Did anyone listen in on Helenas teleclass yesterday?
    I looked for the recording but haven’t received it yet.



  173.  #173Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 10:16 am

    Dixie #159
    Brava!!! for bravely sharing YOUR feelings with D!!!

    I agree “I love you” does count…
    BUT (as you say) it’s the consistent, reliable participation in YOU (actions)
    that REALLy means something!!

    Spirit “used” the “I Love YOU” words from the very beginning… and he seems to have known the power they hold on women…
    BUT as he was such a rubber band man
    I doubted that he knew how to REALLY love me!
    And that was when *I* got really serious with ME
    and stopped waiting for him
    and kept my heart open when he did show up…
    (went back to CDing, no matter how much he complained)
    Turned down dates with him
    cause my life was So full
    and continued to share what I wanted in a REAL relationship! :-))
    and loved ME more and More!!
    You’ve got this Dixie!!
    We are here for you!
    thank you for your authentic, lovely vulnerable melody here
    on Siren Island!
    oxoxo



  174.  #174Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Millie,
    I had signed up for the teleclass but was Not able to make it unfortunately…
    and I haven’t received a link to the recording…
    sometimes it takes a couple of days!



  175.  #175Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Lovergirl #157
    This sounds like a great conversation…
    You shared your feelings under very stressful circumstances!!! Good Siren job!!!
    Taking up for you…
    and listening to his thoughts…
    I believe in 2nd chances…
    He sounds VERY serious about you and him!!
    nice



  176.  #176Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Starla #164
    I am concerned about your man’s angry, hurtful words?
    Why would he say those things?
    I’m curious to know…. What did Leigha Lake say about such outbursts?



  177.  #177Starla on February 26, 2016 at 10:39 am

    He says them because that’s his flaw. I didn’t address this with her specifically but the Rori way of dealing with that behavior is to say ouch, i can’t handle being talked to like that, and walk away if you need to. You choose how you’re treated and unfortunately i spent months responding to his hurtful words with criticizing and shaming him instead of having real boundaries.



  178.  #178Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Starla…
    Ohhh… thank you for reminding me of her tool for that…
    How is this tool working with your boyfriend>



  179.  #179Helena Hart on February 26, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    Millie (171) and Azure Blue (173) – Hi ladies! The link to the replay of my Teleclass from yesterday will be sent out tomorrow morning, but the replay is posted now if you want to listen to it today, you can get instant access to it here:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/3-keys-to-attract-the-man-you-want-free-audio-training/

    It won’t sign you up twice if you’re already signed up, it will just take you straight to the replay. I’d love to hear what you think!

    Love, Helena



  180.  #180Femininewoman on February 26, 2016 at 12:50 pm

    RE 176 Brava to you Starla



  181.  #181Starla on February 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    The tool works great but last night i was so wrongly picking fights that i knew it wasn’t the time to stand by ground on how he reacted to my insanity by leaving. I did say ouch and make it clear that an apology would mean a lot to me for what he said. It does hurt. It feels awful and keeps us from moving forward. He was angry that I can’t let go of my anger about him acting hurtful in the past, but he expresses that frustration with more hurtful words. It’s like trying to smack someone until they get over the last time you smacked them. Really makes no sense and explaining to him why it’s messed up is exhausting and demoralizing and I’m not his mama.
    Words hurt!!! Ugh!



  182.  #182Femininewoman on February 26, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    “in the past” – This jumped at me.

    Remember to self, leave the past in the past
    Live in the moment
    Be aware of past hurts and unresolved issues to take care of myself.
    My old defenses no longer serve me
    I am safe.
    My past does not define who I am today



  183.  #183Starla on February 26, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    Thank You fw, that feels like a breath of fresh air to read.



  184.  #184Starla on February 26, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    I should clarify. I don’t mean hurtful words are his flaw as in he is awful. I mean everyone has something and my goal is to have compassion for it and accept all of him until it doesn’t make sense anymore. My first serious relationship was highly abusive so i get extra triggered and i want to be mindful of this. And mindful of how i talk about him.



  185.  #185Tee on February 26, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    #169 Azure Blue! Yes, it was very cool of E to go for the upgrade. I was gonna go the cheapest route but he was asking questions wondering what the difference was & asking other questions because I needed to be fitted for the glasses, etc.

    This has been easier than I thought it would be. It’s like I just sit back, agree, do what he says and that’s that. Ok maybe that’s too simplistic but it’s close. I’m in awe at how well things are going!

    It can feel edgy. It’s like having too many nice days in the middle of winter. You feel like things are way too good, this has to be the calm before the storm…..as soon as you get use to the mildness, you get him with 40 feet of snow lol



  186.  #186Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Tee
    YES!!! that’s exactly what I am experiencing with Spirit!!
    You have explained it so well!!!

    How easy it is to just sit back and let him do his masculine thing!!
    it **IS** All about ME!! he adores and worships and swirls around me like a warm, summer breeze all
    light, sparkly
    and strong enough to lift me off my feet
    which he does often!!! :-))
    I’m 5′ 1″ and he’s 6′ 2″

    All night he was talking about how
    THIS is forever… HE wants us to be forever
    Do I feel this way too??!!
    How much he LOVEs me
    thinks I’m the sexiest woman ever
    (remember we are in our 60s)
    loves how smart, strong, feminine
    and sexy…
    he’s the luckiest man in the world!!

    Ohhh…Sirens I cant believe this
    just like you say TEE…
    how can it be soooo easy…
    to just lean back and smile
    and LET them lead…
    Ahhh
    Thank you Rori for changing MY LIFE!!
    oxoxo



  187.  #187Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    thank you Helena Hart!!



  188.  #188Lovergirl on February 26, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    I’m feeling a little creeped out. This is the second time recently, that i have looked out my living room window late at night and seen a car quickly drive off. It was parked across the street, in front of my neighbors house.

    We have absolutely nothing worth stealing, so I cant imagine anyone would want to rob us. We also have two fairly intimidating dogs.

    My front blinds are broken a little, thanks to kids and dogs. Someone could see, at least a little, through the window. Stalker?

    The car pulling away looked kind of like S’s. Similar body shape and color, though I couldn’t see enough to make out the actual make. I couldn’t tell at all the last time. I suppose it could be someone visiting my neighbors, but they have a driveway and whoever it was was in the street and drove off quickly.

    Surely S wouldn’t be driving past my house? Doesn’t seem his style but it did look sort of like his car. Weird.



  189.  #189Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 9:00 am

    I found this on Helena Harts site
    one of her recent blog posts…
    LOVE IT

    “Women who are naturally irresistible to men know how to slow down the tempo of every moment,
    so they can actually EXPERIENCE it
    while it’s happening.

    Start by practicing slowing down your movements, the tempo of your voice,
    and entire conversations.

    The idea is to get INSIDE of every moment.

    When you’re talking to a man,
    you want to actually experience his words
    and his eyes,
    feel the air on your skin,
    and really take in everything around you.

    All of this will make you much more sensual
    and tactile.
    It gives him a moment to breathe.

    Men can feel turned off when we’re moving too fast – they want to know that you’re interested in getting to know WHO they are,
    not just looking to them to “fill a role.”

    Once you start getting in touch with your feminine energy by slowing down the tempo
    and getting inside of every moment,
    the right man for you won’t be able to get enough of you –
    he’ll want to experience more and more moments WITH you!

    Creating positive experiences and feelings
    with a man one moment at a time
    (rather than starting conversations about where the relationship is going)
    is what inspires him
    to want to move the relationship forward
    all on his own,
    without any sort of “prompting”
    or ultimatums from you.”



  190.  #190Helena Hart on February 27, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Thanks for sharing that, Azure Blu! So glad you liked it!! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  191.  #191Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 9:55 am

    Helena Hart
    You are welcome…
    Such a wonderful tool you have given us!!
    The slowing down and enjoying, experiencing
    THE moments with Him!!!
    oxoxo



  192.  #192Millie on February 27, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Heard from M again. Second time this month, asking “how I’ve been?” I feel really good and solid in my leaning back and watching him make the first move. However he is also asking me about my sex life and I feel like maybe that is all he is curious about…. I don’t know. I feel like I should walk away from the conversation, I’m wondering if there is anything I can say here. It’s not that I don’t enjoy talking about sex, but I’m not seeing anyone right now and I also don’t want to go down the road of that’s the basis of our contact. Thoughts?



  193.  #193Zara on February 27, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    In the PUA community they teach men how to downgrade an ex into FB.

    One of the technics is to keep silent from 4 to 6 months after a break up, specially if she texts him about the break up, silence must be the only answer.

    After 4 to 6 months, the guy may then answer but with sexual talk. He must pitch a real life meeting right away. No energy wasting into chit-chatting. It has to be clear there will be sex during the meeting and she has to agree to it. If she does, good for the guy, he gets laid with no effort. If she does not agree, nothing lost for the guy, he drops the plans for meeting and moves on texting another girl.

    And he can let time pass and try again later, making sure he gets his ex to speak sex in the texts. If the girl avoids the subject, then again the guy goes back to total silence. Communication with the girl must have only one outcome which is keeping the sexual tension alive. If she does not play his game, he goes back to silence for another few weeks. Rinse and repeat.

    They say this technic keeps a man safe from being friend zoned and makes sure there will always be sex with her if they should ever bump into each other again, through their ENTIRE life. It does not matter if she marries another man and have babies in the mean time, a man doesn’t ever unpin a woman off his wall of fame, once she has been pinned on it. . They say with this technic she will have sex with him again, even if it takes 10 years to meet again. They call it the boomerang effect. (Women thrown far away from him and inevitably flying back to him).

    When he touches base with her, he must be OK with either outcome. If she does not agree to sex today, she might next time or next year and in the mean time he sleeps with other women. They recommend the man to plan two dates the same night to make sure he won’t feel needy in case one flakes out last minute. When the ex does show up and has sex with him, he must discretely sends a text to plan B to cancel plan B.
    When the ex shows up but changes her mind about sex, he must tell her to hurry finish her drink and leave. Even if he had told her she could stay spend the night at his place rather than drive back at night, he must plain tell her to leave before plan B comes in.

    Rinse and repeat.

    xxx



  194.  #194Dixie on February 27, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    Hmmm Millie…..

    Part of me feels like I would just lean back and not even respond to the sex comment if that’s the card he’s choosing to lead with.

    If I felt inclined to respond, I’d probably keep it polite and warm, but would not respond at all to the sexual comments.

    It feels off-putting to me.



  195.  #195Millie on February 27, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Zara 192 that’s awful

    Dixie yeah I stopped replying



  196.  #196Zara on February 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    Millie 194 *****that’s awful*****
    That was my reaction too.

    I feel thankful for therapists like Dr. Pat Allen and coaches like Rori Raye who educate women in such a way they can’t fall prey to this PUA thing.
    Their tools keep us out of reach from these wounded predators and tune us on the same frequency range as the good healthy real masculine men.

    xxx



  197.  #197Dixie on February 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Zara, I didnt even know what “PUA” meant so I had to look it up and … Whoa.

    Thank you for this post! Very insightful!!



  198.  #198Millie on February 27, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    I feel SO intensely triggered right now. My male friend who teaches me…we just are constantly getting “into it.” Today everything was going great, and then when *i start to feel frustrated* with ME ans start to feel bad and put not doing something good enough he starts lecturing me on why I shouldn’t be a perfectionist and to “lighten up” and have fun! And he’s totally right!!!! But in the moment it makes me angry because guys are ALWAYS telling me to lighten up. It makes me think of why I’m single and all the things men hate about me and just add him to the list. So I shut down!!! I can’t stop! I think of th tools and try to use them but I want to change ME and my reactions in order to get a different reaction from him. Then he said something else about not wanting to deal with my negativity. Just makes me feel even worse and shut down more. Of course after he kind of walked away and didn’t talk to me much. I feel rejected by him. I just want to feel loved and accepted and I know I have to change MY attitude towards myself first. But it isn’t going to happen overnight. I just don’t know what to say to him now, maybe nothing and just start fresh tomorrow. I miss our connection and it feels forced sometimes now. Ugh



  199.  #199Millie on February 27, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Omg scratch the last comment!!! I just had an AMAXING conversation with my guy friend. He called and we talked about today and he said he totally understands how I feel and what I’m going through with trying to overcome my negativity and that he’s going though it too. We talked for so long about everything and I feel so much better!!!!! Ok… We are just friends but i love this guy. He has so much capacity for awareness and is so articulate. He told me to never feel afraid to talk to him about anything and that he’s always there for me. I opened up about so much and he responded so positively. If only the guys I dated were half the man he is.

    And I’m so over and done with M. I want someone like my friend. 🙂



  200.  #200Indigo on February 27, 2016 at 10:22 pm

    Starla,

    For a few days now I have been wanting to write a post saying how much I empathise with and relate to you, but I have been so busy with university.

    I do really wish often the guys in our life could understand how difficult it is and how much hard work it takes to overcome those abandonment fears, even in the moment. My mom had a terrible rage problem when I was growing up and when we were children would say things to my brother and me like she was going to drop us off at the orphanage down the road, or that she washed her hands of us. My dad was mostly absent – physically, financially, emotionally. I never did succeed in creating a bond with him, and it seemed like he only showed up to criticise. Not to mention, as I have mentioned on here before, my brother whom I adored was taken from me in a freak and tragic accident. Anyway, I have forgiven both my parents, and myself, for the mistakes that were made in the past, but the scars do still linger.

    The existence of this past hardship and pain, and of the present fear, doesn’t excuse us from the responsibility to override it in situations with others, but it is difficult. I sometimes find myself getting quite angry when a man seems to roll his eyes sort of saying, are you *still* doing this? Are you *still* grappling with abandonment fears? You need to just stop it and get over it! As if it’s as simple as waking up one morning and deciding never to wear that blue dress again. I will never respond from a place of being afraid that someone is going to leave me again. It doesn’t work that way. Yes, making that decision does help. It does give you a certain amount of momentum to take you forward, and everything can be fine for days, weeks. But then you will be faced with that situation which will deeply test you and have you questioning everything… and you have to fight and make a conscious decision to override your fears and trust the other person and choose a safe place. It’s very difficult. It’s very necessary, but it takes a lot of courage.



  201.  #201Paula Kelly on February 27, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    Hello Sirens,
    I am new to all of this. I have been doing a lot of reading on the site and I need help from you. I am 51yrs old. When I was in my early 20’s I met the Love of my life. His name is Dr. “M” We both worked at the same hospital. He was a medical student and I was an R.N.. We met outside the hospital at a party. I allowed him to persue me. He always called me, asked me for dates and to see me. In a very short time we were lost without one another. We were very much in Love and told each other everything. He used to say that we were “like the same person”. Everything was fantastic until….
    The end of his Intern year, Dr. M accepted a surgical residency in Michigan. We were from New Jersey. He was very excited, and I silently began to panic. I felt like someone died. We always had such great communication, but now we couldn’t or wouldn’t find the words. At this time Dr. M’s Mother began calling me asking “my intentions” with “her” son. I suppose she felt panic too! She immediately advised me to start dating others as I would not be accepted in the family (religion). I even told her I was very willing to convert, but she advised me that it wasn’t good enough. Long story short….She was calling Dr. M and planting the same seeds. Eventually, my panic turned into the engagement ultimatum. What a stupid move. We ended up breaking up. Over the years, we spoke a few times. He even wanted to get back together, but I had just started dating a man who promised me the moon and eternal Love. What he gave me was marriage, control and abuse . We divorced. I tracked down Dr. M 3 years ago. He was happy to hear from me. We promised never to loose touch again. We both stated our continued Love for each other. He had never married, but he told me he had been dating someone for 2 years, and that it wasn’t a perfect relationship. He asked me not to “show up at his door”…..something I wouldn’t ever do. He said his girlfriend knows about me, and didn’t want to hurt her. I was pleased, but not surprised he was still thinking and talking about me. I hadn’t been able to get him out of my mind for almost 3 decades. There really is True Love. We have stayed in touch. I have been taking a very laid back approach, a friend of sort. I don’t ask him any relationship questions, no pressure. We talk 1-2 times per month and he calls me most of the time. I absolutely want him back. What can I do to move this forward?



  202.  #202Dixie on February 28, 2016 at 4:34 am

    199….Indigo, thank you for sharing this!

    Yes, when I was a child, although my parents are now very strong, we lived in an angry house. Lots of physical discipline (dad was raised old school) and they would argue quite a bit, that growing up, we became experts at walking on eggshells, not tipping over the apple cart, etc. It was an excruciating balancing act to prevent a next blow-out.

    And my dad did leave once and yes, I felt so frustrated in trying to live up to his (well intended) standards, simply to gain some acknowledgement, love, appreciation. And bringing up a conversation with him? NEVER, lol!

    He is such a different man now – affectionate, sweet, and I adore him- but that has taken years of healing on both our parts.

    Still, some interval reflection shows me how that dynamic player out in relationships: no wonder I often found myself in relationships where I felt deep down that I needed to “measure up.” No wonder I found myself so terrified of conflict. No wonder I still have such a difficult time speaking my words – my whole childhood training was to not rock the boat. (I have used every metaphor under the sun today!)

    But realizing this, clearly, is changing the way I “do” relationships.



  203.  #203Tee on February 28, 2016 at 6:30 am

    It really makes me sad to hear that so many of us have abandonment issues not only due to our Dad’s but our Mom’s too!

    I was never able to resolve things with my biological Dad before he passed away. He just wasn’t capable.

    Things were resolved mostly between my Godfather & I before he passed away.

    As for my Mother, I don’t know.
    I don’t know if she’s capable. You can’t say anything to her without her getting defensive & claiming you’re trying to make her the bad guy…and it’s not gonna work (wtf??) …or she’ll be on the verge of tears or she’s drunk and wishing she never had kids.

    I never know what I’m gonna walk into when I see her. It upsets me also because my little sister still lives at home & she’s now on the receiving end of most of that.

    It’s a mess



  204.  #204Starla on February 28, 2016 at 7:13 am

    Wow I feel so touched and seen. Thank you for taking time to address me.



  205.  #205Tee on February 28, 2016 at 8:15 am

    Soooo E just comes out of nowhere with a random thought.
    He said that about 70% of his thoughts are about his kids.
    Wow talk about a shot to the heart.
    I started to say so many things.
    So I’m the 30% or less portion of his thoughts of his heart?
    He takes up about 90% of my thoughts.
    Definitely made me cry. Nice way to live



  206.  #206Dixie on February 28, 2016 at 8:36 am

    (((Tee,))) just an observation…..could it be that he means he spends most of his energy invested in the children?

    I don’t know…. But for a dad to day that his thoughts are that invested in his children, geez, that can actually be seen as a really good thing compared to so many parents whose investments are far less!

    I know it must seem very hard to hear that but wow, good for both of you that he has made the children such a focus of his life! So many children and wives would love to have a man make the children that important!



  207.  #207Starla on February 28, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Lol Tee! The problem is your 90%, not his 30, right? 🙂 and you are the mother of his youngest and neediest child… You are built into those thoughts for him. Be happy he is a good father!
    Easier said than done but chill out mopeyhead… Did you ever get around to doing any of the things you planned a few months back, like exercising, hobbies, working, etc? I know you have been sick but even baby steps towards any of those things are going to help you get more balanced focus. You don’t have to wallow around in your hopeless upset thoughts and feelings and should be honest with yourself that you choose to. As motivation, consider that if he sees you or catches wind of you doing some yoga for example with a video online or any other positive things to be happy and balanced, it’s going to make his attraction to you increase!

    Disclaimer for other sirens: tee and i are cool and i know i have a green light to offer my overbearing advice. 😛



  208.  #208Starla on February 28, 2016 at 8:43 am

    Also i have learned the hard way not to shame men for their random thoughts and feelings they share. It’s an honor to be their confidante. Don’t slap them in the face… It is deeply hurtful to them.



  209.  #209Tee on February 28, 2016 at 8:56 am

    #204 Dixie

    E has 2 older children. This year they’ll be 17 & 20. Our son Isiah is 2.
    The older ones are teenagers so you know how they can be. They call you or see you when they have time for you.

    He sees his other children occasionally.
    I think he’s trying to get back into the groove of being more of an active presence, particularly with his daughter. She’ll be 17 this December.

    I just completely left out when he said that. Like Wow after all we’ve been through, after 20-something years of knowing you…I only get 30%?

    Okay. Fine.



  210.  #210Tee on February 28, 2016 at 9:06 am

    LOL STARLA!!!!! I did have that thought lol that maybe 90% is a bit much but I got swept away with his comment.

    As for that list of things smh I didn’t make it too far down the list. I was having too much fun with my book list.

    Uuuuuugghhhh lol



  211.  #211Starla on February 28, 2016 at 9:08 am

    He didn’t say you only get 30 percent. You inferred it and gave it meaning. Creating drama, but why? There is a purpose it’s serving, I wonder what it is.



  212.  #212Starla on February 28, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Its okay tee, you can start right now! But if you go months without actually trying to do a single thing to make yourself happy and make the relationship healthier cuz making him so constantly responsible for your happiness is unhealthy, like seriously what do you expect? You know what to do, so do it. It being hard is not a good enough excuse after long enough. Baby steps, but pick one thing and do it now. You have time to blog, so you have time to exercise for 15 minutes to get some endorphins going and work on your fitness goals, for example. Ask yourself how badly you want to be happy.



  213.  #213Azure Blu on February 28, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Yes YES YES to taking baby steps!!!

    I hadn’t worked out in 2 weeks and my emotions were collinding all over the place.
    So cool now…
    i KNOW it is MY issues NOT Spirits!!!
    Yay Azure…
    I used to LOVE to vomit my issue ALLLL over anyone who got near ME!!!

    AND I just worked out – after giving myself permission to take a break from it-
    I feel sooo much more grounded and
    LOVING ME!!!
    Everyone sounds soo good this morning…
    I mean – coming here and working and sharing!!
    huggs and love you all!
    I’m off to see my mother – I haven’t seen her in months…
    I have been concentrating on my LOVE life
    and My Work life!!
    and now it’s time to see my parents..
    90 years old… and my mother and I have
    healed most of our OLD wounds…
    We have such a Wonderful relationship now…
    it means the world to me…
    Have a magical Sunday!!



  214.  #214Azure Blu on February 28, 2016 at 9:53 am

    Tee…
    it would make since that you would get upset
    about ANY issue E would bring up (I have to admit, his comment would agitate me a bit also)
    Because of the emotional intimacy you are both experiencing…
    I have found… there is always a little push back…
    I’d relax…
    give each other a bit of space…
    hug yourself…
    YOu are Doing FANTAStic Tee Girl!!!



  215.  #215Tee on February 28, 2016 at 10:31 am

    #209/210 Starla, you’re right. I took it there with the 30%. That’s something E would say too. I didn’t say that YOU said that lol

    Yes, I need to get back to my plans. It’s not hard, things kept popping up.
    The whole eye thing, I’m sorta sick again but whatever life has to go on.

    #212 Azure Blue
    Exactly! Although he seemed shocked at the comment himself. He was sitting really quiet on the end of the bed, then he just blurted that out. Then he said, I don’t know where that came from.
    He also noticed that not too long after that, that I looked “sad”
    I was glad that he didn’t piece the 2 events together. I just blamed it on my eyes still hurting

    Maybe we do need space (sigh)



  216.  #216Starla on February 28, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Speaking of space, I’ve decided to take the next week or so away from living with my guy. Quitting smoking made me insane toward him and myself, so we are just going to see each other for planned dates instead of me sitting around getting all triggered by everything he’s doing or not doing. I live literally 8 feet away from him but it seems like such a big deal, eeeek! But we have a plan for if I go crazy from withdrawal and i will use nicotine gum if things feel overwhelming and i can’t calm down after removing myself from the interaction.

    I am just going to get really focused on my own life and try not to worry about him or when he is going to make plans. It’s on him and meanwhile I will be immersing myself in dancing, yoga, working out, etc.

    It’s going to be challenging and he said it would be especially hard for him. Turns out he loves me as a pillar in his life. I was very surprised to hear that! But we agree that i can’t kill myself slowly with cigarettes just to keep the peace and i can’t let my crazy fly at him and myself just to quit smoking.

    We talked about the patch or gum to quit but agree that i dont need those things to quit as my willpower is high. The problem is my mood swings during quitting so better to just take some space for a week which should be more than enough time for the nicotine detox.

    If anyone has any other ideas I’d love to hear them.



  217.  #217Tee on February 29, 2016 at 8:48 am

    I hope you’re doing OK over there with the smoking issue Starla *hugs*

    I’m just here to share. Thank you for reminding me of the list that I came up with earlier this year.

    I completely fell off in alot of ways. I couldn’t even remember why I initially made the list. I totally forgot!

    I had a list of things I wanted to do to help me to remove my head from E’s ass. I felt like he was staying out too much & I was tired of being hurt behind it. So I came up with a list that was intended to drum up some type of excitement in my own life.

    • visiting different places to eat
    • created a list of books to read
    • hanging out at the bookstore, etc

    I dived into reading and trying to focus less on E….then the money came

    Hard to say if my vibe shifted because of the books or as a result of E shifting because of the money. Or it could have been just a happy collision all on its own

    He seemed softer & he didn’t seem so eager to stay out like before

    So yeah, I got drawn in by the softer yet more masculine E. I felt cared for, velvety, warm and content. This is what I wanted & lived for. I was good until…..

    THE COMMENT!

    It sorta dropped me back down to earth. A slap in the emotional face.
    Yeah, remember that list???

    That was why you created the list…so you’d be BALANCED! You’re offering 90% to his 30%! Not cool.

    Even though it may not have been meant that way, that’s how I took it

    So that’s that



  218.  #218BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 9:00 am

    Tee – we also have a habit as humans of not letting ourselves feel too good for too long. We can be coasting along feeling great, then take a little thing like a comment and let it wreck our happiness and peace of mind.

    I appreciate the reflection because it reminds me how I have been feeling super great for days on end and let one offhand comment derail my night the other night. It didn’t totally go off the tracks, because I was too busy and fortunately my profession requires me to move around and be physical a lot, which helps. But it did throw off my peace of mind and I see now the pattern and it’s a good reminder to ask myself, “What positive new thing is trying to come through right now?”



  219.  #219BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 9:04 am

    Starla – massage!!! Are you at the point where you are receiving massage trades as part of your training?

    I find epsom salt baths, super rich body cream, lots of warm and comforting wax melt scents, and vitamin C to be soothing.



  220.  #220Tee on February 29, 2016 at 9:14 am

    #216 Beloved, thanks for chiming in!
    Part of….or maybe a bigger portion of my problem is that I don’t have many distractions!

    Part of my list was looking for a job. Yet, I kept getting an eye infection so that was put off. Now that’s taken care of.

    I need to get back on track but Yes, I typically do get thrown by comments that E might make.

    I’m not as bad as I use to be.



  221.  #221Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    Tee #215
    Such a great Self Catch!!!

    “It sorta dropped me back down to earth. A slap in the emotional face.
    Yeah, remember that list???
    That was why you created the list…
    so you’d be BALANCED!
    You’re offering 90% to his 30%! Not cool.”

    in a different way… but the same sorta thing
    I found myself begin to put Spirit up
    on a pedestal as he moved closer and closer
    emotionally…
    forgetting “MY LIST”
    Then I read one of Sami’s blogs about
    HE needs ME to remember
    **I** am the prize!!! That is who he LOVES!!!
    ME treating ME like the prize!!!
    it keeps him my emotional “hot seat”
    where I give off the vibe that “he’s on the hook for MY happiness”
    NO ONE likes that feeling…
    ladies you know that feeling when a guy
    melts all over you… gushy… yucky
    no back bone smothering…
    We hate that too!



  222.  #222Tee on February 29, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    #219 (((Azure Blue)))

    It’s just soooooo tempting!
    I personally don’t consider it putting E on a pedestal. It’s more like…I’m Linus and he’s my blanket lol

    My warm, cozy, soft blanket. When it’s near, I feel safe and serene. Like eating marshmallows in front of the fireplace.
    That’s how I’ve been feeling with all of this togetherness.

    That comment was like someone snatching the blanket away. I no longer feel cozy cause its freakin cold now!

    I keep forgetting that E has a threshold. No matter how cool I am or how much fun we’re having or had….he has to roam. I keep telling myself to get use to this

    MAKE FRIENDS WITH IT

    It’s not a bad thing. I need to reprogram myself in that respect

    Isiah is the same already! Sometimes he’ll grab his sneakers & put them on (the wrong way but he’s getting there lol)…then he’ll grab mine & try to get me to put mine on…then he points at the door

    He’s barely 3 and he wants to just be on the move too lol

    Uugghh these guys of mine lol

    And truth be told, sometimes I don’t wanna reprogram…..I just wanna hang out by the fireplace

    That’s not so bad, right?



  223.  #223Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    Tee…
    YOU, i feel, are much braver than I!!!!

    I DONT have a child with Spirit…
    I still have MY own home…
    and he has his…
    What I am doing right now is simply
    getting used to him being around
    MORE than ever- in the past 2 years….

    I’m NOT depending on him for anything much…

    He has invited me to spend much of the next week at his home (I’ve only been there 2 times)
    because his daughter is out of town…
    And i can see how I am thinking up excuses
    to not let that happen…
    Too busy with work…
    it is VERY difficult for me to open up
    on this subject -spending time at his home=
    because it has been such a HOT topic in our relationship for the past year!!

    I will be brave… I will open my heart
    and NOT hold him hostage for My
    anger and anxiety
    about NOT being at his home
    much before this…
    He was protecting US from his daughters (she’s 29) eratic behavior…
    He was brave and caring of her healing
    and my not getting hurt

    He has planned chicken stir fry and salad tonight…
    I’m sure he is just as nervous as me..

    Siren’s his apt. is old and raggedy and i’m feeling
    petulant and cross!!
    My last boyfriend had a beautiful home…
    I LOVED being there with him…

    I need to observe me as I get used to being with Spirit at his home…
    more later!



  224.  #224Tee on February 29, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    #221 Awww thanks Azure!

    I don’t always feel so brave. I feel like I’m winging it! I’ve never lived on my own but E has. I went straight to him living with us at my Mom’s out of fear.

    This was in 2011. E had lost his job and a few months later, he was in danger of losing his place. I practically begged him to come stay. I had visions of him robbing old ladies just to pay rent lol

    Yeah I was dramatic. He reluctantly agreed. By this time, I was also pregnant with our first son. In some ways it was great, in other ways it was disastrous. My mother became especially territorial & proceeded to piss on anything & everyone. At this late in the game, I don’t think she knows how to share space with anyone.

    One minute it’s ok, the next minute she wants you gone so it was very stressful. I lost the baby & I couldn’t take my mother anymore. I was scared but I had to leave…it hurt because it meant leaving my sister behind

    My aunt literally had to make me move out lol

    I did everything, I feel, for E and for the wrong reasons. I don’t think it could have gone any other way or else I’d still be living at home…yikes



  225.  #225BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    Why, oh why, is it that the one man of all of the men I’ve dated in the past few years, who is consistently coming toward me, is the married man?
    He’s just calling to chat and say hi. Not trying to hook up or anything, BUT, he is also the guy who grabbed my breasts and I didn’t like that I don’t want to give him a chance to do it again. I feel torn whether to talk to him and say that, or not.
    I did specifically say, I respect your situation and that’s not what I want.

    So. I know we can’t ever really know exactly what a man is thinking, but I’m imagining that he is maybe secretly hoping that I didn’t mean what I said. Or he thinks we can be “friends”, and I don’t want that because the feels got all stirred up and I believe I will probably end up feeling pining.

    I feel a sting in my heart not returning his texts and phone calls.



  226.  #226BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    I mean, face to face on our last date I told him, this isn’t what I want.



  227.  #227BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    I don’t feel like I want to tell him to stop contacting me.
    We work in the same profession and have mutual friends and co-workers, and will possibly end up working together on certain shows.



  228.  #228BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    I’m mentally composing a text and I believe that’s cowardly. Maybe I am just avoiding the pain and discomfort of being more direct.

    Gonna get out of the house for a minute and get my mind off it.



  229.  #229Jessie1000 on February 29, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    Hi girls
    I gave the no boyfriend speech Tonight to my man
    He hates me lol
    He’s in his room hating my guts…he moved in as my boyfriend then decided his room was now his room and not our room within a few days and spends every night with his friends
    I’m so hurt
    He is mean and says nasty things to me about how I work, that I’m a woman and I’m trying to copy men when he said this was the sexiest thing about me
    Ugh
    I hate this process. And I decided one thing about myself that it feels way safer to take crumbs and be miserable than be out of that garbage ugh
    Why am I soooo weak for men
    Di++ sand that’s what I have not quick sand



  230.  #230Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 2:42 am

    (((Jessie1)))
    Wow!! You are very brave to have shared your feelings with him.
    Did you ask him to move?

    I think you have a great insight about yourself
    when you say you noticed
    “…it feels way safer to take crumbs and be miserable…”

    3 years ago I noticed this about myself after
    finding Rori…
    my old bf was feeding me crumbs – mean and nasty-
    and I was pining, needy, miserable and totally focused on him…
    Slowly, through much misery…
    so much sadness I became physically sick
    I learned to feel my feelings,
    love my feelings
    and LOVE ME…

    I was able to walk away (1 yr. later)
    he did call (after 8 weeks)
    But I didn’t have any feelings for him..
    and said No More…



  231.  #231Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 2:50 am

    Beloved #226
    For me in situations like this…
    What’s so bad about texting him…
    Yes, you will be working with him etc.
    but you can be warm on the outside
    and continue to have strong Boundaries!

    “I enjoy our friendship, I don’t date married men.
    I wont be texting or talking outside of our professional interaction.”
    Just my thoughts…
    you know YOU deserve
    WAY more than crumbs from a married man…
    He will be taking up time and energy
    from your vibes to attracting
    a REAL man to come to you…



  232.  #232Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 3:25 am

    Not sure who said this///
    “You teach people how to treat you
    and eventually you get
    what you put up with.

    If you want less doubt,
    fear and worry in your life,
    stop putting up with it.

    Healthy love is discriminating
    and insists upon loving treatment
    no matter what.
    Healthy love starts with you
    respecting yourself enough
    to only be around those who
    respect you.
    Being around like-minded,
    positive,
    “going somewhere in their life” people
    is critical.
    Critical.”



  233.  #233Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 3:50 am

    Sirens… I had to share…
    This if from a Rori Archive:

    “A Tool For Self Acceptance

    “To help yourself treasure yourself
    EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW –
    even though you’ll ALWAYS want to learn new things,
    explore new ways of behaving,
    speaking and just BEING –
    try this (read how, first, and then stop reading for a moment and try it):
    1. Look away from your computer screen for a moment.


    Look at a bookcase,
    or a pile of papers, or a book,
    or the phone, or a picture on the wall.
    It can be a pretty thing, an ugly, practical thing, or something in-between.


    Look at it. Really, really look at it.
    2. Look at the colors.


    See that there are more than one color –
    even if it’s red or blue –
    there are many shades of red and blue in the color you see.


    Look to see if light is shining on or bouncing off the object.
    Maybe there’s a sparkle of light on one side,
    and nothing on the other.
    3. Look at the texture.
    

Feel it.
    See if it feels bumpy or smooth
    or rough or soft.
    Now check in with your body.
    Do you feel anything,
    just from looking at this simple object?
    Do you feel judgmental?


    Like – is it an ugly object,
    or old, or worn?
    Does it make your mind go off
    in a million directions about all the things you have to do?
    4. Gently bring yourself back
    to the simplicity of looking at the object
    and feeling it,
    and then bring your attention back to your body
    and how you’re feeling.
    5. Put a name to the feeling.


    It could be sad, like a sad memory,
    it could be happy, because you love that object,
    it could be bored
    because you want to get back to this letter.
    6. Now tune into how relaxed or tense you are.


    Now absolutely, completely ACCEPT
    whatever you’re feeling.
    Absolutely ACCEPT the object
    EXACTLY AS IT IS.
    Absolutely ACCEPT yourself,
    in this one moment,
    exactly how you are,
    just like the object.

    Now come on back to this eLetter.

    Why This Works To Help You Be Vulnerable… And Irresistible

    What you’ve just done is one step,
    one small but powerful step
    to Loving Yourself,
    that will steadily undo all that self-hatred
    that you throw at yourself.
    And this is just the beginning, because what you’ve done, really and truly, is BE VULNERABLE.

    That’s right. That’s all Vulnerability is –
    accepting yourself in this one moment,
    and then letting everyone around you –
    even that man you really care for –
    see you EXACTLY as you are.

    Just the way you really,
    really looked at and ACCEPTED the object you worked with
    exactly as IT was.
    Vulnerability is not necessarily revealing personal things about yourself.

    IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE
    YOU GIVE A MAN,
    BUT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE
    YOU GIVE YOURSELF
    IN HIS PRESENCE.

    And, the greatest thing about doing
    this very small but powerful thing
    is that it looks exactly the opposite
    of how we’ve all been taught to think it looks.

    It doesn’t look timid or doormat-y.
    It looks like self-esteem and confidence.

    And all you did was look at what was right in front of you,
    experience it,
    then accept your most basic feelings of happiness
    or sadness, without FEELING YOU HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

    Watch How Better And Better Men Start Showing Up

    Practice This one simple thing over and over and it will raise your self-esteem
    and AUTOMATICALLY
    attract a better man into your life,
    or completely TURN AROUND
    the relationship you’re in.”
    Love from Rori!



  234.  #234Tee on March 1, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    Sharing. The gremlins are at it again. E left to go help a friend that really doesn’t need any help or shouldn’t need it.

    E has this friend Jeff. They’ve been friends for years. I’d say that they see each other maybe every other week.
    E claims that he can only take Jeff in small doses because Jeff has been around too many women and E feels that Jeff likes drama and arguing like a woman & it irritates him lol

    The thing is that Jeff is also a cheater & I’m almost certain that E has covered for him in the past, turned a blind eye or just remained neutral. E is against cheating but I guess he kinda let’s people live their own life.

    Anyways, I heard them on the phone. Jeff appeared to need directions from E. E is like a cab driver lol he always seems to know 5 different ways to get someplace & can’t understand why people chose to use just one route again & again.

    So I’m of the impression that he went with Jeff. I’m also nervous that Jeff might have been a cover. Bottom line is that I can’t do anything about it either way.

    I thought about calling to see what’s going on. I thought, well maybe Jeff just misses E and wants him to come outside and this was just a handy excuse. E didn’t appear to have going out in mind. He was here playing his music & practically in his PJs.

    I don’t know, that thought just popped up. I hate not knowing & feeling like I’m just helpless

    Or maybe I just can’t believe that he is this nice? Helpful? I’m just irritated



  235.  #235Tee on March 1, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    (Sigh) thankfully, I don’t exactly have too much time to dwell on this. I’ll be picking the little one up & taking him to the park soon

    I become edgy when I can’t pinpoint E. It hasn’t happened alot lately but today I feel off balance. I called yet another temp agency expecting an immediate response, nope…more waiting. So frustrating.

    Picked up more books. I feel like I’m becoming boring. I feel like I need something drastic to happen. I’m just irritated. I want to say that a conversation with my aunt set me off but she didn’t exactly annoy me anymore than she normally does lol

    I hate feeling off kilter & not knowing it’s source :/



  236.  #236Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 6:56 am

    (((Tee))) #233
    as Rori would say…
    Accept your “off kilter”
    Love Your off kilter…
    Accept YOU just the way you are
    Right NOW!

    Lovely Siren you are not Boring…
    Love the feeling of being boring…
    not being enough
    Wonder where that comes from?



  237.  #237Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 7:02 am

    Tee…
    Also, when I start “nit-picking” Spirit in my mind…
    I flip it by remembering the last time we had
    a Wonderful, warm moment…
    I remember ALL the GREAT things He brings to our relationship…
    laughter, strength, positivity, wonderful energy,
    food at lunch, planning time together…
    Sexiness…
    Ahhhh… and it helps me flip My tendency
    to set up barriers to our emotional intimacy…
    Thanks for the reminder!!
    I was mentally picking on Spirit this morning!
    REally, it’s all about me
    and ALL the projects, taxes, housework
    that I have, and continue to put off…
    It’s ME who I need to focus on…
    (((love you AZURE))) and all your procrastination!
    oxoxo



  238.  #238Tee on March 2, 2016 at 7:49 am

    (((Azure Blue)))

    You’re such a sweetheart! I feel shaky.
    I feel like I’ve tried so many things & nothings panned out yet. Job wise I mean.

    I feel like I’m wasting away, drifting.
    I feel out of control and fidgety, like someone who can’t figure out what to do with their hands.

    My mind does tend to choose E to pick apart. He’s never without something to do. If he wants to stay home, he stays home. If he wants to go out, he goes out. Nothing stops him lol not the weather or money or anything

    I tend to forget that I have choices!

    Instead of sitting here whining lol I could catch the bus downtown, catch a movie or anything

    I really do forget that I’m not a tree lol I’m only limited by my own imagination

    I so easily get stuck in routines. I tend to enjoy them because as a mom it keeps me focused in relation to Isiah but I have to learn flexibility for when Isiah is at daycare

    That’s a few hours of (for now) free time that can be used for something related to Tee and just TEE!

    Not cleaning or cooking or harping on E but something else lol

    Why is this so tricky for me? Lol
    And I get so mad at E sometimes for enjoying this very thing

    He knows his son is ok, I’m ok….so if no one is in dire need of anything he might just take off

    I have the same rights!! Smh it’s so simple and so basic…right in front of my face yet it feels like such an earth – shattering revelation lol



  239.  #239Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 8:33 am

    Tee…
    I would feel exasperated also, looking for a job…
    The last time I was layed off (4 yrs ago)
    It was soooo emotionally draining to look for work…
    being turned down time after time…
    I can certainly understand your frustration!!



  240.  #240Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 8:41 am

    I want to share the Wonderful day I had yesterday!
    I have all kinds of GREAT design work in..
    Exciting projects working with Wonderful people.

    Tuesdays are usually Grlz Night… and last night K had us over to her house (usually we meet at a restaurant for Happy Hour)… it was snowing and very bad weather but we made it there…. and had soooo much FUN
    eating, cooking, drinking talking!!!
    Spirit had invited me over to his house after
    and we watched a good movie (about breaking the German code during WWII), had a little more wine and then went to bed All cozy and warm at his house…
    He wants me to come back again tonight…
    he is cooking a pork roast, got me salad, my favorite dressing… Ahhh… I feel so cherished and spoiled!!
    I am blessed with a group of AMAZING girl friends
    family and now a boyfriend!!!



  241.  #241Tee on March 2, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    Sharing! Yes looking for work is exhausting especially since I’ve never had this experience before! I’m use to having a few offers to choose from but I have no clue what’s going on out there!

    Just as I was about to retreat into another book, E decides that we should go out to eat for lunch

    We go out & we have a good time
    On the way there, E is on the phone trying to gather up coworkers for some fun on Saturday, they’re talking about bowling and such

    I don’t believe I’m included in the plans but at that moment I didn’t care
    E is interesting. It’s like he finds certain things hard to believe about other people. He doesn’t get folks who like to lounge around in the house the majority of the time (like me lol) and he doesn’t get people that take the same routes over & over or people who don’t leave the city to do & see other things.

    Bottom line, he keeps me on my toes

    I got home feeling tipsy (Margarita lol), I had a nice conversation with my cousin and I felt somewhat better

    I could tell from his conversation that E is growing as a man/person and feeling good….I like that because I feel a little like I played a part in it somehow

    I start over in the morning with another agency 🙂



  242.  #242BeLoved on March 2, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    Azure Blu = thanks for the clarity 🙂
    It didn’t exactly go down like that..*cough*
    He showed up at my job today (because..business) and texted me while I was talking to some co-workers that he was imagining me naked.
    I knee-jerk reacted and told him not to contact me again.
    He said, my bad, I didn’t mean to do you wrong and I’d rather talk about it.
    Well, I felt a weakness for him, and I said, okay, I need time to calm down. Because, I did want to talk to him. I didn’t want to cut him off like that.
    And we talked…for an hour…so easy and non-blaming and real, about our struggles and difficulties dating and our fumbles and misunderstandings with social cues and the opposite sex.
    I did say, in no uncertain terms, I AM NOT GOING TO F*CK YOU and I am sorry for any mixed signals I sent. I am also not going to date you anymore. I thought I could handle this, that it was just a thing, and I felt caught off-guard by my feelings.
    He was very candid about how much he likes me, what he thinks of me, and he said he felt something really real that made him want to keep coming back.

    We apologised to each other for a lot of things.

    It felt so good to have a man say, hey, let’s talk please, and the talk be a real, 2-way kind of thing.

    It ended on a good note, the whole conversation felt peaceful, and for now we’ve agreed to be friendly and respectful of each other professionally.

    happythankyoumoreplease 😀



  243.  #243Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Beloved!
    Ahhhh… practicing emotional closeness with a man
    YOU have feelings for…
    and you shared your feeling with him
    with sooo much authenticity and vulnerability…
    Rori says that opens the door for
    so much juicy intimacy for us!!!
    and your on your horse… and living YOUR
    happyeverafter… everyday!!
    oxoxo



  244.  #244Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Tee #239
    Good luck today with the new agency!!
    Brave you for trying a new profession!

    I really am inspired by how you are leaning back
    and observing E..
    I’m fairly certain – YES- you’re growth
    *has* inspired his growth!!!
    Yay to you BOTH!!!



  245.  #245Beloved on March 3, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Azure Blu – thank you thank you for always seeing the best in what I share, I feel so grateful.
    With this man, I felt like I needed to simply open up to the fact that I instantly loved him. I just knew I loved him right from the start. Yet not cling and grasp at and try to control it or make it be anything more than a wide, spacious, expansive feeling of opening to love, that I feel not just in my heart but also in my gut.

    He said that he really liked how the dynamic seemed to be shifting to him being more of a mentor to me and that was more of how he had been seeing things go, which felt good to hear, because I did not want to lose that.

    I do feel some conflicting feelings about being “friends* because my feelings are definitely stronger than friendship. Yer I have to notice that none of that stuff is happening right now and I need to get on my horse and get into my body and go jog some of this energy off.



  246.  #246Tee on March 3, 2016 at 10:26 am

    #242 Azure Blue

    I sent my resume to another temp agency. I got the same response.
    So disappointing. I need to let things ride & not succumb to my own hysteria lol

    I feel like I’m caught in my Boy energy but I have to shift shift shift!

    I’ve always observed E but now it’s for good reasons, not bad reasons 🙂

    Don’t get me wrong, the gremlins aren’t done with me but they’re not as boisterous

    I do love the changes, I feel so lucky



  247.  #247Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 6:17 am

    Tee #242
    One thing I have done to further my career… especially when I am going in a new direction…
    I take courses online that pertain… it certainly beefs up my resume…
    also sooo many great youtube vidoes that offer hours and hours of instructions for ANY career!!

    I make a list and map out my very own curriculum…
    Mon. – 1-3pm -Social Media 101- link to this youtube video
    Tue. – 1-3pm – Marketing with Social media- link to this youtube link
    Wed off
    ETC…
    I have to say… this really has helped further MY career…
    Things Change sooo much All the time
    it’s important to stay informed… :0)



  248.  #248Tee on March 4, 2016 at 7:37 am

    Great idea!!!



  249.  #249Tee on March 5, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Just venting / sharing. I’m feeling a bit low & I guess I need to write it out. For the past few weeks, I’ve been on something of an internal high. Things were flowing with E.
    The air felt lighter and I think we did too.

    Things haven’t changed much but I feel those old feelings of fear and insecurity sneaking back up.
    I should have known that feeling that good couldn’t last for long.

    E went out tonight. He’s been trying for weeks to get all of his co-workers together so I suppose it worked. Despite knowing that this was happening, I felt insecure. I wanted to ask him if there would be women there, etc.

    I hate when I get like this. I’m thinking I feel like he’s not paying me any attention? I’m not entirely sure why/what I’m feeling. He just took me to lunch a day or so ago. I think I do get wiggy when it seems like someone/something has his attention & brings him joy.

    He seemed so excited for tonight. He kept checking his phone to see who would call. He kept saying how “Epic” it’s gonna be.
    He said that his goal was to get everyone together in the hopes that everyone will come to like each other.

    I liked how excited he seemed yet as he was getting dressed smh I became annoyed.
    You would think he had a date. Those were my thoughts & I felt so jealous and tempted to question him.

    Ugh I think I’m gonna play with my son and read



  250.  #250Azure Blu on March 7, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Tee…
    Were spouses and girlfriends invited to his get together?
    How would it feel to share with him…
    “I think it is sooo cool that you put this “Epic” event together to help everyone feel closer and more in harmony… You know what? I feel a little jealous
    cause it sounds sooo cool and I would LOVE to be part of such a great thing that YOU put together.”

    He would love to know how much you Admire
    him for doing this event! :-))
    and also YOUR TRUE FEELINGS…

    It is ALWAYS so easy for me to tell others to
    share their REAL feelings…
    AND I struggle with this BIG TIME!!
    ooxo



  251.  #251Tee on March 7, 2016 at 8:30 am

    Ugh Azure Blue!! I’m slipping back into my old ways…help! Lol
    From what E said, it was just him and maybe 5 other guys that showed up. He said Coworkers so I don’t think he meant it as anything involving girlfriends. He wants them to try to do it once a month.

    I did think it was sorta cool. I also thought that he was just really bored & needed a project of sorts lol

    It seemed like just a bunch of guys drinking I wouldn’t mind if there was an actual activity planned. This would mean having my aunt watch Isiah *gasp*



  252.  #252Azure Blu on March 7, 2016 at 9:37 am

    Tee!!
    your not slipping… it’s just the day to day…

    it does sound like the event was just for coworkers…

    How are the online youtube videos going…
    found any that were about the job you’re looking for?



  253.  #253Tee on March 7, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks for checking in. I think I need to revamp my resume. The YouTube videos were interesting. I keep forgetting that you can find just about anything on there lol

    I have to get it together. E went over to my mother’s house to paint this morning so I probably won’t see him until (maybe) sometime tomorrow

    I feel so lost ugh isn’t that sad? Smh

    Get it together!
    Get it together!
    Get it together!



  254.  #254Azure Blu on March 7, 2016 at 3:36 pm

    You CAN do it!! :-))
    even if you only watch one youtube video…
    or change one thing on your resume…
    BABY steps are
    GREAT!!!



  255.  #255Millie on March 7, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    Ladies there’s this guy I work with who isn’t all that nice to me. When I speak to him he won’t even look at me and never acknowledged me or tries to initiate conversation. I feel like it’s gotten to the point where it’s rude. I feel weird addressing it to him. Any suggestions? He’s someone I do have to interact with professionally.



  256.  #256Indigo on March 8, 2016 at 4:08 am

    Millie,

    Is this in a professional sense, or a personal one?

    Some people (especially men) are just extremely businesslike and cool at work, but if he is doing his part professionally there’s probably not much you can do about it. Is he your superior or on your level or lower? You could always try and break the ice by noticing something on his desk or an interest he has and asking him about it, or asking him about himself. Most people love to talk about themselves and it usually warms them up.

    If he is out and out discourteous and rude to you, you could try being more direct about it. You could say you’ve noticed relations between you seem to be tense and ask whether he would like to share the reasons why.



  257.  #257Femininewoman on March 8, 2016 at 8:41 am

    Millie why does he need to be nice? Why are you assuming that it is rude? Is there a reason that you believe he “should” initiate conversation?

    Some people for cultural reasons don’t make direct eye contact because in their culture that is rude.

    I also know of people, myself included, will avoid making eye contact with some people at work when they are overly pushy or seemingly want to control something as it relates to me.

    How about if there is no need for professional interaction that you choose not to initiate anything with him? Not even good morning. I don’t find him not acknowledging you as rude. What your comment is saying to me is more something about you.

    I’ve had a boss who used to read “The Art of War” and one thing I’ve learned from him is to use the energy that is coming at you. If this guy is sending no energy towards you then send no energy towards him. Believe that he will eventually get it. Maybe he is even hoping that you eventually get it.



  258.  #258Starla on March 8, 2016 at 9:19 am

    Millie, “if you’re going to make something up, make it good.”

    He doesn’t look at you because he is attracted to you. He doesn’t want to cross any lines in his mind.

    He has anxiety disorder of some sort and you trigger him by being human, female, younger, cooler, whatever.

    If you need something from him professionally and your face to face interactions isn’t getting it for you, email him for what you need or email him with a request to stop by your desk to discuss it or ask him a good time to stop by his desk.

    This is something you’re assuming the worst about and letting it get you down or bother you, and you just don’t have to.



  259.  #259Lovergirl on March 8, 2016 at 9:35 am

    Millie-maybe he is married or has a girlfriend and one of those actually faithful men that wants to be careful not to give appearances of flirting with any women he works with? Its probably less about you than you think.



  260.  #260Millie on March 8, 2016 at 1:01 pm

    Indigo- yes he is a higher position than me. I asked some of my coworkers about it because they noticed he doesn’t make eye contact with me either. They said it’s because I am new and he’s not good with new people. But I’ve worked here for almost five months now.

    Femininewoman- get what??
    It’s not a cultural thing… He is extremely friendly and talkative with everyone else, it makes me feel left out and maybe that’s why it bothers me. I have tried to engage but it feels forced, so I stopped. I don’t care about being his friend, but I do care about my job and having a good working relationship with someone is important to me, so I guess as long as this doesn’t affect my ability to be effective at work- then your right who cares.

    Starla– yes I agree the story I’m telling myself isn’t serving me, I just thought he would warm up after some time, but doesn’t seem that way…

    Lovergirl– yeah he is married and actually his wife just had a baby. I congratulated him warmly and he said thank you without even looking at me and just rushed by to talk to someone else. The other women I work with are married/not single, so I don’t know if that makes a difference… I suppose there is no point trying to figure out the why, just try to be ok with what IS and focus on my job.



  261.  #261Liquid Light on March 8, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    Life is too funny!!! Someone I had rejected a few weeks ago – told him we weren’t a good match – recently reached out to me. Funny thing was I had just been thinking about him! We just made plans to get together on Friday. Life really is too funny!!!! Hahahaha!!! 🙂



  262.  #262Millie on March 8, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    Also to add, right now we do primarily just email.
    And I wouldn’t say I am a controlling or pushy person at work, if anything I defer to his expertise on certain things, so I feel like I am being respectful. Perhaps it’s my own projection, but I feel like he sees me as not knowing what I’m doing. There’s a learning curve at any job, but I know that I have to be confident in my abilities and just get better everyday. So perhaps my feelings around this are connected to feeling less than at work at times.



  263.  #263Starla on March 8, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    Millie, I agree that it’s weird as heck when coworkers aren’t at least a basic level of welcoming.

    Ultimately, he doesn’t owe you anything though. I wouldn’t waste another minute worrying about this guy.



  264.  #264Millie on March 8, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Feeling myself coming down from the high of this last week. Feeling those old feelings of sadness, lonliness, and hopelessness return tonight. I feel like the message is not matter how good you feel or what changes you make in your perception, an “effect” doesn’t always happen.



  265.  #265Indigo on March 9, 2016 at 1:41 am

    Millie,

    I have found that a very great many people, if not most people, are quite self-absorbed. They are unaware that they are being rude or disrespectful or unfriendly or treating someone badly unless it’s quite pronounced. And this more or less works for most people because they too are quite self-absorbed. If you are someone who is quite sensitive and aware of others, you will also be aware that it’s quite a harsh world and it may upset you.

    But on the other hand, most people are not trying to hurt you. When they do, it is mostly out of ignorance or unawareness or something going on in their own lives.

    The thing to do, as Starla says, is not to devote any undue attention to such people, and instead seek out your own tribe of people who care for you and treat you well.



  266.  #266Azure Blu on March 9, 2016 at 3:30 am

    Liquid Light…
    :0))
    How fun!!! A date on Friday with someone you already know!!
    Why did you decide to go out again… what was it that made you decide to reject him before?



  267.  #267Liquid Light on March 9, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Azure

    Yeah, we are going to an art opening. Very excited!

    I think I finally woke up and realized that I’ve been undermining myself because I’ve been looking for a carbon copy of my ex. Of course, no one has measured up and that’s why I rejected him (and many others.) It finally hit me that thats what I was doing. I realized this largely through doing The Work! 🙂

    I decided to go out with him again because he contacted me literally when I was thinking about him again. It was uncanny! Of all the dates I’ve had recently, he was the one that it I felt most at ease and comfortable with. I still have my reservations but I’m trying to be open. He’s very cute and nice!

    Thanks for asking!



  268.  #268Azure Blu on March 9, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Liquid Light #265
    How incredible to hear!!
    The Work is sooo powerful…

    It is soo interesting …
    as I continue to peel the onion of MY feelings and emotions…
    I am less and less encumbered with my past!!!

    Yes, I agree… remembering how WE feel
    when we’re with them…
    You felt comfortable and at ease… NICE!



  269.  #269Azure Blu on March 9, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    Liquid L…
    and Very cute and NICE is
    always a GOOD thing! :0)



  270.  #270Millie on March 9, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    New cd asked me out for this wknd– he planned a really cute date around one of my passions. Very happy 🙂



  271.  #271Azure Blu on March 9, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    Millie,
    How cool!!
    What is the passion?



  272.  #272Azure Blu on March 9, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    Sirens,
    It’s Spirits birthday today…
    I let him pick the restaurant…
    I’m buying him time on the golf practice range
    and lots of balloons.

    We spent 3 nights together this past weekend…
    That is a new record for us…
    By the end I was VERY ready to have him gone…

    one of my girl friends explained it sooo well.
    I am NOT used to having someone elses energy around
    and so I am sooo over stimulated by day 3…Thank good ness for all the Rori Tools…
    He spent Sunday with me and some of my family…
    He handled it sooo well… and they are
    the opposing views on politics and religion…
    We all visited the local Art Museum of the University here…. There was a Fantastic new exhibit
    So inspiring…

    Spirit seems to be ramping up his talk about politics with me…
    Today I have practiced some scripts to say
    in case he talks about any of them during our time together tonight…
    Me: “Wow… that is so interesting that you brought that up.” “and you know I admire you so much for
    your love and nurturing of E over the past 2 years.”

    I’ve got to think of a topic to change over to after that…
    Oh… I know…
    He bought me a petite rose bush for Vday…
    and It was struggling;.. so I purchased some organic
    fertilizer and it has already started tolook better…
    I’ll mention how happy I feel seeing the rose buds
    start to gently open and show their soft, pink petals as the open up!!
    Wish me luck!



  273.  #273Liquid Light on March 9, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    Good luck Azure! Go get em, girl, you got this!

    (((((((((((Azure))))))))))))



  274.  #274Millie on March 9, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Azure, I really love horses so he is taking me to a horse race.



  275.  #275Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Millie #272
    That sounds sooo fun!!

    I haven’t been to a horse race in YEARS///
    I used to love to go…

    I’d forgotten that you love horses….

    My daughter breeds, trains and sells dressage horses in FL!! I made sure she rode and trained while I was raising her… she’s loved horses her whole life!
    I loved riding also… but being a single parent only one of us could ride…
    I feel proud that she has chosen that as her profession because I encouraged her while she was growing up!
    Yay me… I WAS a good mom in many ways!

    I have a tendency to beat myself up
    about NOT being the perfect Mom
    and how I have screwed up my kids…
    But they are Both VERY successful human beings
    loveing, kind, think deeply about life, smart..
    I must have done some things quite well!



  276.  #276Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 7:06 am

    Liquid Light #271
    Thank you for your enthusiasm!! oxoxo

    The night went VERY well…
    We had sooo much fun…
    He didn’t want me to pay for the whole dinner…
    gave me $$ toward the dinner… it was expensive
    But sooo worth it!

    Then he had planned to do one of his favorite things which is to play Trivia at our local Applebees.

    He told me he loved me sooo much
    and that he has been trying to fight his feelings…

    Ahhh… that explains why he has been pushing me away by bringing up religion and politics – with exagerated, VERY irritating statements…

    and yet last Friday night he asked me if we should
    live together/get married…

    For me it is too soon… I am NOT ready to live together…

    We have been exclusive a little over a month and
    I want to make sure HE can maintain this amount of masculine energy coming toward me…
    and NOT push HIS form of religion and politics on me…
    and See How I feel around him as our emotional intimacy grows…

    No matter what… This is all great practice for ME
    to stretch MY intimacy muscles,
    maintaining closeness without pushing him away…
    AND sharing my feelings as they come up
    ( AND knowing when NOT to share my feelings)

    As always… it is my friendships here on Siren Island that continue to keep me sane and grounded
    as I negotiate the WONDERFUL waters of
    ME LOVING ME
    and learning how to let Mr. Right
    into My life/heart…
    thank you lovely ladies for all your authentic
    vulnerable sharing of your ohhh… so soft, innocent hearts!
    oxoxoxo



  277.  #277Liquid Light on March 10, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Azure, This is great news! So happy that your date with Spirit went so well!!! 🙂



  278.  #278Tee on March 10, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    Venting/Sharing!

    Still nothing on the job front. I’m beyond frustrated. I don’t know if I should give up, try something Else or just *relax* and let the chips fall where they may

    On the flipside, all of this time is allowing me to see so much within myself

    I’ve had a habit of using/needing E whenever things went wrong in my life.
    Like if I didn’t get called back for an interview then all of a sudden I would look to E to….I don’t know…baby me?
    Instinctively, he wouldn’t & I’d turn that into him not caring about me at all

    Somehow, I’ve learned to harness that lately. I still get upset though. I feel stuck within myself & I wish I could just morph into a more physical person…someone like E I guess

    Or maybe it’s a lack of creativity that I suffer from? I keep telling myself to go out, walk around, etc but it seems like a waste of energy if I can’t buy anything lol

    Oddly enough, it seems like the *worse* I feel….the better our relationship
    It’s probably because I’m forced to need his help, I’m keeping whatever attitude that I have to myself and not nit-picking

    I’m feeling like I really should relax but I’m stressed! I desperately need a massage lol



  279.  #279Rori Raye on March 16, 2016 at 11:10 am

    Paula, nothing here can work until he sees you in person. Long distance always sucks. I would express how great it would feel to reconnect in person, and make a plan to meet. See if you can get a video skype going NOW. Once he can touch you, feel you and smell you – once that happens, it will take care of itself. Love, Rori