The Relationship Trap: “Let’s Talk.”

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This is another amazing post by Dr. Margaret Paul

Do you sometimes feel trapped, knowing that your partner is going to blame you, when your partner says “Let’s Talk”? Do you give in or get angry and withdraw because you don’t know what else to do?
“Let’s talk tonight,” said Callie.

“Oh no, not again!” thought Darren as he gave Callie a blank stare, feeling like a deer in the headlights.

Darren knew from past experience that “Let’s talk,” meant, “Let’s talking about what you are doing wrong, and about how you are not meeting my needs, and about how hurt and unloved I feel.”

It was not that Darren was a closed man – far from it. He would have loved to talk with Callie about her own learning experiences and about his. He would have loved to talk if he felt her openness and caring about herself and him. But he hated talking with her when he knew that her focus was to get him to validate her and make her feel secure. And he knew from the tone in her voice that she was feeling abandoned due to her own self-abandonment and she was projecting this abandonment onto him.

But he felt trapped. If he said yes, he knew they would end up in a fight. If he said no, he knew Callie would be furious at him, accusing him of being closed and not working on their marriage. And Darren had never learned how to manage the loneliness and heartbreak he felt when Callie not only didn’t see him, but was angry and blaming toward him. So sometimes he would angrily walk away, saying that he didn’t want to talk, and other times he would give in, talking in the hopes that he could say the right thing that would pacify Callie. Which, of course, never happened.

“It doesn’t work to talk and it doesn’t work to not talk,” said Darren in our phone session. “I end up feeling trapped and awful either way. I don’t know what to do.”

“Darren, I know from past sessions that you feel lonely and heartbroken when Callie doesn’t see what an open and loving man you are – like you are with your sons and your friends. I know that you keep defending yourself to try to get her to see you, but it never works. But the real problem is that you are not seeing you.

You are not seeing your own feelings if loneliness and heartache when Callie treats you unlovingly, nor are you moving into compassion for your own feelings – which means being very kind and gentle toward yourself. Instead you either give yourself up or leave in anger. In neither case are you taking responsibility for your own feelings. There is no chance of Callie seeing you when you are not seeing you.”

If Darren learned to see himself and move into compassion for his own feelings, he would then be able to take loving action for himself, which would be to disengage from Callie without anger, engaging in talking with her only when he experienced her as being open to learning. Until he did this for himself, their dysfunctional system would continue as it is, with Callie pulling on Darren and Darren giving in or resisting.

“Darren, the way out of this relationship trap is to be focused on taking loving care of yourself – of your own feelings, rather than trying to control Callie by giving yourself up or leaving in anger. As long as you are trying to convince her that you are a good guy and try to get her approval, or resist being controlled by her, you will continue to feel trapped. Only when you give yourself the approval you are seeking from her will you attain emotional freedom.”

It is not easy to move out of trying to control your partner or not be controlled and into true loving action toward yourself, but it is the only way out of a dysfunctional relationship system.

I thought this is so spectacular because margaret is writing for the MAN in this situation…

See if you can see yourself here as Darren – and then possibly switch and see Darren as the man you’re dealing with in the moment – it will give you a bigger, more expanded view of how men and women can actually be so similar in some ways  – in being emotionally sensitive and instinctively “defensive.” – and how a man’s natural wiring would instinctively shut him down faster and harder, and make him unable to even HEAR you  – much less do his job of facilitating YOU to open up.

So – back to what we’re doing here – which is learning and practicing opening up FIRST. So NO one get’s triggered to their natural defensive posture.  So NO one goes into “Stance,” and heart connection can happen.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Brenda on June 10, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Rori, I feel sad, unheard, and disappointed that the oral sex string is gone. I know you said you hid it and will make it available in a day or two, but it’s been several days. I don’t mean to be overbearing or overfunctioning. I just feel like I’m losing hope and maybe you’re hoping we will all forget about it. If I am reading you wrong, please forgive me.

    I feel the same way I would if I wrote 10 pages of my very first book and the computer crashed and I lost it. Because in reality, that was the first typed ten pages of my very first book. 🙁

    May I please have a copy of it? I never imagined it wouldn’t be available later, or I would have typed it elsewhere and then copied and pasted.


  2.  #2Daria on June 10, 2010 at 11:42 am


    No WONDER I never felt the pull to give blood!

    People from Eastern Europe are not allowed – but they still take your blood just don’t use it!

    Thank goodness I didn’t give my blood up for nothing!


  3.  #3tinque on June 10, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Brenda – I still have your story from that thread in my trash bin from my e-mail. If you give me your e-mail address, I will copy and paste it to you.

  4.  #4Sweetpea on June 10, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    So – back to what we’re doing here – which is learning and practicing opening up FIRST. So NO one get’s triggered to their natural defensive posture. So NO one goes into “Stance,” and heart connection can happen.

    Hmm… I like this.

  5.  #5tinque on June 10, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Brenda – It’s all ready to go. Just let me know where…

  6.  #6Jilly on June 10, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I loved reading this post….I feel like I have so many tools now and am actually prepared for having real healthy relationships 😉 I love that feeling 😉

  7.  #7Brenda on June 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Hello Tinque,



    Do you know why Rori hid that thread? Were people offended?

  8.  #8Tina on June 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I feel exhausted when I go into stance mode, In my experience though, I believe I can be in stance mode and still remain somewhat open 🙂 or am i just kidding myself?

  9.  #9Tina on June 10, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    When Im feeling unheard i mean 🙂

  10.  #10Katie on June 10, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Yes Jilly I agree … I feel better prepared now for better relationships with much more insight into my own feelings. Like it says here in this post ….its about compassion for own feelings first, ‘seeing’ yourself so that someone else can see you, staying open hearted rather than closing down. Better relationships are already happening in my life generally. I think when a guy does show up and wants to be with me I will be able to stay clear of the pitfalls and dysfunctional ways of relating I’ve had in the past.

  11.  #11Tina on June 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    It becomes unclear and murky at times because I dont know if I am feeling my feelings somewhere between emotionally sensitive and emotionally defensive. Rather say I feel angry, I could say I feel defensive, cause Im ready for a fight when I say I feel angry ?

  12.  #12Tina on June 10, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    If he is always looking for approval from me “walking on eggshells” during a “fight” then how the hell am I supposed to know this? well I guess I do now lol. I feel triggered, I feel bad to think* that my approval depends his feeling like a “good man” I want to poke out his eyeball now.

  13.  #13Tina on June 10, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    I feel compassion for my feelings of needing approval. I feel disgusted 🙂 i love my feelings of disgust 🙂

  14.  #14Tina on June 10, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Truckman man said he met me before our first meeting on the dating site. I made a flip comment about something he said, he said he felt I was “to good” and was afraid to respond to me. hm I vaguely remember making a comment to someone at the time he said but I dont remember what he said or even what he looked like lol.

  15.  #15Tina on June 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    five months later, he comes crashing through woods to come meet me.

  16.  #16Tina on June 10, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Oh is this were I accept him as he is makes sense. The need for approval is bugging me.

  17.  #17Alicia on June 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    I like this part of the article…..

    He knew from the tone in her voice that she was feeling abandoned due to her own self-abandonment and she was projecting this abandonment onto him.

    He would have loved to talk if he felt her openness and caring about herself and him. But he hated talking with her when he knew that her focus was to get him to validate her and make her feel secure.

  18.  #18Alicia on June 10, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    HIGHER AWARENESS – Email (in my inbox)

    Pay attention to your emotions

    “Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions…. It’s time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it.”

    — Doc Childre

    Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.

    But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don’t last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.

    The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.

    “By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it.”

    — Joseph Collins

  19.  #19Alicia on June 10, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    – Higher Awareness – email (you can get on the mailing list below)

    Listen to your heart

    “To know how to choose a path with heart is to learn how to follow intuitive feeling. **Logic can tell you superficially where a path might lead to, but it cannot judge whether your heart will be in it.**”

    — Jean Shinoda Bolen

    “Surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything… even when you can not foresee the outcome.” ***

    — Deepak Chopra

  20.  #20Apple Jacks on June 11, 2010 at 1:30 am

    Amazing post! I just found myself in Darren’s position this evening, and I did a good job in the moment! I’m still new to feeling messages but I instrinctively did what Margret told Darren to do and I feel proud of myself, though still reeling from my trigger.

    My sis-in-law has been trying to get me to speak to this guy for many days now, and I got to speak with him tonight. Needless to say, the conversation didn’t do anything for me except trigger me a bit. I felt a strong cultural gap between us. It was a cultural gap that was very familiar to me in what I dealt with all through out my life, including today with some of my elders.

    I spoke to my sis-in-law and I told her this. I felt her disappointment but she was very cordial and said that this is up to me, but that this is only the first conversation, that she really felt we had the same mindset and could really hit it off. She said that from what she knows, it takes a long time to get to know a person before you feel that “spark” for marriage. I said sometimes, but not always. I used to think that you had to get to know someone for a long time too, before even thinking about marriage. I said while that is the case for some, other couples can know instantly. I said it’s not a mind and logic thing, it’s a feeling and heart thing. You either have it or you don’t. Then she said something that triggered me. She said, maybe but I know many unmarried women who think like you do and the married ones who think like I do so who knows.

    I took a deep breath, and I was able to catch how I feel. Wow! I was not afraid of stating exactly how I felt and coming from a place where I was not angry with her at all. I continued feeling love and appreciation for her and I loved my feelings at that moment because I knew it came up to take care of me, so I welcomed it. I calmly reiterated to her that I used to think like she did, and no one was more logical then I was when she and my brother got together almost instantly when they were only 14, but that I get it now. I said I really feel that being married or unmarried does not have anything to do with it, and that I have been open and enthusiastic from the beginning to speak to this new person she was recommending so much, that I was expressing my true feelings about the conversation.

    She said no my brother and her did not like each other at first (they were 14, they have been together since they were 15, long distance till they married at 19 “officially.” I was just making a point), but that it took quite some time. I got what she was saying and just stated that my original point is that I know that this is true for some but not necessarily all the time that’s all, and that saying unmarried women share my thoughts and married women share your thoughts triggered me to feel like I was in the wrong, and so I felt like defending myself.

    She said, “who’s making you defend yourself” lol. She went on to say that was not what she wanted to do at all, she was just sharing a generalized version of her observations and that she’s always open about sharing these. I totally understood while at the same time feeling triggered so I just kept taking care of myself and acknowledging them while feeling that she is not wrong or the blamee. So I told her no I did not feel like she was judging me at all, that I was only expressing and processing how I was feeling about that statment and that’s why I said what I did. Not that I was being made to feel any kind of bad from her.

    She understood and told me she did not want me to feel pressure. And I told her that I authentically do not feel pressure at all. That I am going to continue to speak to this guy a few more times because I myself am curious to see what the next conversation might be like, and that I appreciate and value her opinion. That I initially already planned to speak to him at least three more times, which is the truth. I really did decide this. I also told her the old me would have felt pressure and I would have talked to him out of guilt and avoidance of confrontation with her or just avoided talking to her and see, I didn’t do that. I just laid it all out, lol. She laughed and we said good night.

    This is just the rough version of course, but as triggered as I was this evening, I also feel pretty anchored and surprised that I was able to do this. I used to just not face confrontation at all. I would have been defensive and set in my thinking of “being right” and would have gotten very very angry. I’d feel a disconnect whenever my emotions ran rampant like that to the point of not being able to speak! Today, I just breathed into them as I felt them rise, and it was as if they were my leverage to speak in the moment and clear it out of the way. My bro was like, dude just don’t even respond she’ll never really “get it,” but there was that small voice that said, no you’ll be okay and so will she. Face this right now, so I did. I feel weightless, and am breathing a huge breath of relief. Wow, I’m really growing up!

    I’m “conquering” my demons so to speak. I really felt like the strong tree rooted into the ground tonight, strong on the inside, soft on the outside. After years of spiritual training, I’m FINALLY GETTING what the hell that means!

  21.  #21Daria on June 11, 2010 at 2:39 am

    allie’s a SLUT!! a total SLUT!! heheheeeeeeee (jk) i love it!!! it feels so fun to watch im giggling and feeling excited!!!

  22.  #22Daria on June 11, 2010 at 2:46 am

    lol one of my CD’s is online, and ive been (thought) giving him a hard time because i keept elling him i dont want to drive to him, or maybe i will i dono, i just havent felt like it – hes been asking me late – and he has no car or money rite now

    so the past 2 days he hasnt written me when hes online

    tho i did go to his bbq with a couple girls a week ago

    ANYWAY i REMOVED him from my list so i dont have to see his lil icon cuz it was distracting me hehe (if he writes me he’ll pop back up)

    i MISS his ass

    but i feel weird and SAD! too and STUCK

    with him not being able to come see me and stuff

  23.  #23Daria on June 11, 2010 at 2:47 am

    Transformer man popped up out of nowhere as i was exorcising his demons (pretending i was him with my girl hehe)

    and whoa he called outta nowhere and wants to see me tomorrow

    i felt good! happy and also a twinge of fear (i used to feel scared of him)

    i feel disappointed to feel a twinge of fear

    i feel excited too tho

    i feel curious how i will share… i still feel fear thinking of you and i feel concerned i always will… waht do you think we caould do?



  24.  #24Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:01 am

    He sent me an offline message saying call me when you are finished, I agreed too, but then changed my mind, I felt annoyed, I could feel myself becoming quickly annoyed at “having” to call him. I layed in my bed, breathing deep haha, yeah, i thought what would happen if I didnt call, what if I didnt feel like calling, not call period, what would happen? I did call him, about an hour and a half later, still feeling annoyed, i felt resistence, anger, he asked what i was doing, I said enjoying my me time. he said oooh, dont get defensive now. I stayed rude and cranky on the phone. he said i was rude I said so what, i feel rude and defensive, I had a bad attitude. blah. I just happened to be still on this webpage, as i was talking, i skimmed this article, wow, we talked for about four hours well until my batttery ran out on my phone. He said again, your being rude, I said yes, i am, im in a bad mood, he said so you dont have to be rude, im not rude to you. He said men have feelings too, I said oh good, im not responsible for all mens feelings. I said I feel resentful about feeling like i have to check in. He said well you ddint have to call, you could have said you didnt want too talk on the phone, I said yes true, I did make a commitment , I said i would. then i would have to explain that my son was on the phone talking to his grandmother, i couldnt get to the phone. after all my “rudeness” i did say i feel weak, he’s a trooper though, he stayed with me , i thought he would surely hang up the phone, but no he sai dthat is what i do. we had a few chuckles, talked about his writing, we shared or i shared a few details well not graphic but details of childhood abuse, he did too.

    I QUIT, I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, I QUIT YOU HERE ME I QUIT,I QUIT, IM OUT,I FEEL SOOOOO TRIGGERED,I WANT TO BEAT THE GROUND WIHT A STICK. i feel week, i want to crawl in my happy place and hide. intimacy with nature yeah intimacy with humans uh uh no way, my head hurts, I feel achy temples 🙂 is this really nessesary? im a mess, yes of course its nessesary. its all good 🙂

  25.  #25Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:03 am

    Daria, i dont want to to this anymore *sniff . whos a slut? lol

  26.  #26Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:08 am

    if Im being honest, i could slam the door on his face and feel kinda ok about it, would I regret it later, maybe. will i be fine yes, im not on your schedule, im on mine ok. whatever, whenever, rules i live by for now blah

  27.  #27Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:10 am

    hey, i got a new blackberry i can go watch bacholorette on it when i go into town 🙂

  28.  #28Daria on June 11, 2010 at 3:17 am

    Tina – Transformer man wants to see me tomorrow i used to feel terrified of him. i stepped up now my self respect i still feel a twinge of fear.

    my godbrother who’s his godbrother too doesn’t think he’d do anything to me, i don’t know


    i miss him tho i do care about him a lot. i like how he’s very giving and romantic sexually

    he’s probably going to want to have sex, he always does, i’ve never felt safe saying no, i don’t really want to say no tomorrow hehe

    hes gonna drive he has a car haha i outgirled him it took over 6 months

  29.  #29Daria on June 11, 2010 at 3:25 am

    My godbrother said he told him that “i think i’m too good now” i said i am.. my godbrother said hehe no you’re not… im like yes i am… haha… ive changed lol

    i used to be the nice one to everybody

    yup im making them step up

    i feel a lil concerned this “difficulty” thing im tweaking on it is making me come off as a demanding and bitchy

    it feels fun tho what a change hehe

  30.  #30Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:31 am

    Daria, your awake! its like 7 30 am here, ive been up all night lol. Six months wow, outgirling guys , outgirl transformer man, he’ll love you for it!

  31.  #31Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:33 am

    yeah i feel difficult , on purpose or not, or is this normal?

  32.  #32Tina on June 11, 2010 at 3:36 am

    im demanding and bitchy , is this creepy ? he knows when my cycle starts or close or is that normal. do guys do that? he keeps track of my cycles lol my moon time hehe

  33.  #33Daria on June 11, 2010 at 3:43 am

    Tina I love how you are demanding and bitchy, I look up to you for that I feel like wow Tina has high self esteem, I want to do that… I feel liberated

    yeah for demanding bitch energy yum goddesses

  34.  #34Daria on June 11, 2010 at 3:44 am

    Transformer man is already in love with me, i asked my godbrother how did that happen, i wouldn’t think a man would fall in love with a girl who didn’t stand up for herself, maybe he could feel my inner standing up for myself, at one point he just started declaring to everyone that he’s in love with me

  35.  #35Tina on June 11, 2010 at 4:10 am

    Transformer man is in love with Goddess Daria, naturally 🙂

  36.  #36tinque on June 11, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Brenda – Just letting you know I sent it to your e-mail two hours ago. I hope it got to you okay.

  37.  #37Jackie on June 11, 2010 at 10:42 am

    I’m feeling neglected. I do so much for my guy and I get so little back. I know he loves me and thinks about me often but I wish he’d think of doing the little things to nourish our relationship and show he cares. I just read your latest email and I think I need to tell him that I am disappointed in his lack of putting forth an effort. I’m so glad for this site.

  38.  #38Cassy on June 11, 2010 at 10:55 am

    I dont know what to do. My man does so much for me and some things we talk about make me react in an explosive anger. It almost seems as if it sneaks up on me and the angry words are out of my mouth or in my writing (he lives in Florida, and I in Texas) before I know it. He’s left feeling angry, hurt, used…I’ve tried to control it, ignore the way I felt about some of the stuff he’s said and then a few days later the smallest thing will make me errupt. He says he finds the human body beautiful, so I feel, what makes me special then because I look like every other woman out there….if that makes sense.

  39.  #39Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Quote from online somewhere –

    “I’d like people to realize that the times that we are in our greatest power are the times when we intentionally surrender and become vulnerable. People need to realize that vulnerability is strength, that they can gain that strength by dropping the walls they’ve built since they were children, and becoming an open, loving, joyful receiver. It’s a process, and there’s a way to get tools in our toolbox for living. It comes from education and practice.”

  40.  #40Daria on June 11, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    OOOH I love this from Rori’s E-letter. I got this before, but now its written “in virtual stone” lol

    “Our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are
    with ourselves, and the moment we say or do
    something that is NOT what’s REALLY going on with
    us – our self-esteem goes down.”

  41.  #41Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Daria: I was reading the same email. This part really stuck out for me…

    And what have we all been taught about
    how to “get” a man hooked?

    We’ve been taught that we need to be
    sweet, agreeable, sexy, beautiful, smart.

    If he’s not paying enough attention to us,
    that we should buy some low-cut outfit and try to seduce him into wanting us again, into LOVING us.

    That if he’s acting uninterested, it’s
    probably because we didn’t get his attention with
    the things we talked about. So we work hard to
    find some fascinating anecdote to share, or some
    piece of gossip or news that we think will get him
    to listen to us and really PAY ATTENTION to us.

    Meanwhile, he’s paying attention to some other
    woman and following her around like she’s some
    goddess…and she’s NONE of the things we have
    been trying so hard to be.

    All stuff in bold equals ME. [shakes head in disbelief]

  42.  #42Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Shoot. Forgot to subscribe.

    Day 11 of the Man Fast. Off to downtown for outdoor music with my girlfriends (helloooo CD boys 😉 ) and then Bunco later with some hot mommas for scandalous gossip and chatter. Awesome!

  43.  #43Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    I feel evil. Mr. Masculine Man has a date tonight. It’s a long distance chick. (Hello red flag against both of them.) I know about it because she made some not-so-covert comment on his page (which I got in my inbox). Again red flag that she’s commenting on his page like that, like a dog marking his territory. At least when I comment something it’s generic. Hello, I went out with him two weeks ago blondie!

    I don’t even want this boy but for whatever reason I so want to text him and get him thinking of me. :-> I feel evil!!

    But I won’t. It would be me breaking my fast. Shit. I still want to do it. [insert evil laugh]


  44.  #44Tina on June 11, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Truckman is here, he is out getting some something to eat. Its’ hot, the smell of his cologne is stronge, I’m feeing distant, we talk about his writing, i read some of it, he wants to get close to me, I dont feel like getting close to him. the cologne is overpowering, i can still smell it stuck to the air . Pms and hot smelly cologne blah!

  45.  #45Tina on June 11, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    SS ooooooh scandelous gossip oh my! i could really get into that right now. I want to take my blackberry and go watch bacholorette somewhere I can get reception lol.

  46.  #46Tina on June 11, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I leaned forward, he said “im hungry” you want something to eat, like im hungry now and really need to eat, i said there is a take out a few miles down the road. did i lean forward? oops haha. like im gonna cook right?

  47.  #47Brenda on June 11, 2010 at 3:58 pm




  48.  #48lm on June 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    i loooove margaret paul!!

  49.  #49mary on June 11, 2010 at 5:11 pm


    Back to R.

    Remember R?

    I barely even did.

    He called. I was in the middle of nowhere, in the mountains, in the rain, with clouds snuggled down around me in a blanket of mist.

    And he said,”call me when you get back into town and let’s get together.”

    I said, “Wha?????????”

    And he said, “Yes, we should talk about YOU.”

    And I said, “And not about you?”

    And he said, “I want to talk about where you’re going in your life.”

    Me: “But not where you’re going?”

    Him: “Oh, everything’s the same with me.”

    Me: “So you want to help me choose a firm?”

    Him: “No, you choose your own firm. I want to talk about your money situation.”

    I said, “Well, it would be nice to sit and talk to you, if you had something to say. But for us to sit and talk about MY MONEY SITUATION! That makes me feel antagonistic.”

    Him: “I knew you’d say that.”

    Me: “So, thank you for calling.”

    Him: “So we’re not gonna get together I mean, I don’t have nothin’ to say.”

    Me: “Yeah. We probably won’t be getting together…”

    ?????? !!??

    What’s that about?

    I just went to a realtor firm and there was a cute realtor there who asked me something about him. I was vague. When she mentioned his name again, I said, “have you been on the other side of a deal with him?” (he’s a realtor, too.) and she said, “No, I just met him at the Christmas party and we’ve been going to coffee ever since.”

    He and I broke up on Valentine’s day.

    but I’d already given him my no girlfriend speech.

    seems he took me up on it.

  50.  #50mary on June 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    which is fine!

    it’s all fine.

    i’m gonna marry old flame anyway.

    and i do hope to play with island man a bit more before that happens.

    but GUESS WHAT.

    it sent me back.

    and i was having such an UP moment with my new job prospects.

    it gave me FEAR.



    i will not talk to him again.


    i won’t ever answer the phone again?


    then why do i feel so awful?



    log it and keep going.

    keep going, Mary.

    be your Mary self and see what happens.

    it’s an adventure, remember? remember that…

  51.  #51mary on June 11, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    i’m not even gonna waste any time on the WHY.

    just no more thoughts about R.

  52.  #52mary on June 11, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    and no more thoughts about Island Man.

  53.  #53mary on June 11, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    i’m going to Four Plus Four tonight! and then out dancing…

    and i look forward to getting back into the swing (since i landed back in town) and see what’s going on with you, too, sirens…

  54.  #54Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Shannon– love #42 🙂

  55.  #55Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Oh, Mary…. “i’m gonna marry old flame anyway. and i do hope to play with island man a bit more before that happens.”

    Confession time. Reading that made me feel a bit….guilty? Naughty?


    because there is a man, my daughter’s lit prof, who I have actually not even met but have talked to online, and my daughter loves him and wants me to marry him …. and a bunch of “signs” happened over the past year…and I had an intuition that I was gonna marry him, and I felt happy about that . .. but then

    …then TN man reappeared and i was so excited to connect with him again and I thought Oh no! What now? TN man is so fun and exciting . . . maybe I want to marry him instead of lit prof . . . but I don’t think TN man is the “right” guy for me….too much “fun and freedom baby” . . . . oh, but maybe

    ….maybe I can play with TN man for a bit before I marry lit prof….

    yes, that’s what I thought! Just like you said with island man and old flame!

    But then I fell for TN man . . .

    And lit prof seems boring compared to him….

    But yes, I did think that thought you are thinking now, yes, I did, and I am now admitting it—

    in my mind, TN man was supposed to be fun to play with until things started rolling with lit prof who I would marry.

    I was just gonna play with him, not fall for him.


  56.  #56Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    And Lucy – What is it, exactly that you are going to do if your original thought turns out to be prophetic?

    Lol. I feel amused. I’m sorry, but I do. I feel tickled.

  57.  #57Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Wow Miss Mary!

    Wow!!! All I can think is… wow!

    I’ve missed out on some of your posts about R, but did he attempt to control you? Hmm…

    Interesting. I’m curious to know why the realtor asked you about him. Did she know you two were seeing each other?

  58.  #58Daria on June 11, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    I feel disappointed.

  59.  #59Daria on June 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    And wowed and inspired. too. both

    first wowed and inspired… then disappointed…

  60.  #60Daria on June 11, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    I feel sad and afraid. I love my sadness and my fear. It’s good that I feel sad and afraid. Mmm. I’m feeling.

    I feel slow sinking and sleepyness. I love feeling slow sinking and sleepyness.

  61.  #61Daria on June 11, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    mmm I ate a bowl of Mother Earth Ocean Soup with some apple cider vinegar and now i feel much better!

    time to go to my Goddess meeting

  62.  #62Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    “And Lucy – What is it, exactly that you are going to do if your original thought turns out to be prophetic?”

    Sweetpea, you mean what will I do if lit prof pursues me?

    I feel giggly that you feel amused. I feel amused too!

    I feel curious about Daria’s crypticity today.

  63.  #63mary on June 11, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    well, sweet pea, since you asked!

    after we broke up, R said, “hey, i know a realtor you could meet who could tell you about the two firms you’re looking at. she left one for the other. here’s her number.”

    so i went to coffee with her.

    and she was BEAUTIFUL. and into R.

    maybe he set it up so we both would be jealous?

    ingenious on the surface, but pretty foolish when you really think about it.

    she and i liked each other very much! haha.

  64.  #64Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Sweetpea, why do you feel amused? 🙂

  65.  #65mary on June 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    yes, Lucy!

    i’m interested! could you go with the prof now? maybe he wouldn’t be so boring after all?

  66.  #66mary on June 11, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    that’s what i’m afraid of with Old Flame. same old, same old!

    but Island Man grabs me and takes me crashing through the bushes, out on a sand bar and walking the rails…

    he’s fun.

  67.  #67mary on June 11, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Island Man had a chance. maybe he would have been a better match for me, if he was coming my way.

    and if he is coming my way, it’s not strong enough. not sure enough.

    i want more clear signals than he’s giving me. he’s playing around with all the girls!

    which is fine.

    but i’d like to just have PLANS with him.

    and he doesn’t make solid plans, ahead of time. and i want that.



  68.  #68Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Mary, that’s so interesting that we have the same set of feelings about the two different men!

    My daughter says lit prof is funny and nice — but she says “he’s not weird like you and [Tn man].”

    Which to me translates as not as much fun and fascination.

    But I’ve heard his poetry readings — and he’s really deep and creative.

    But not wild and crazy and on-the-edge-of-your-seat like TN man.

    If I could “get over” TN man, maybe I would go for lit prof. I don’t know. Right now I feel sad thinking about being with him and never being with TN man.

    Of course, lit prof would have to actually DO something, pursue me. We emailed a bit last year and he said he just got sole custody of his kids and had no energy for adult socialization but that when that changed he would be interested in getting together……but who knows, he could have found someone else by now.

    I wouldn’t want him to pursue me while I’m still stuck on TN man. That would feel bad, like he has to wrest my heart away from another man.

  69.  #69Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    And honestly, I want to sleep with TN man no matter what. Sounds crazy, I know, but it’s the way I feel!

  70.  #70Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Lucy – I feel amused because I could see it happening. I feel all giggly inside when I think of it. It would be pretty typical of life to take a twisty turny road to bring you right back to where you started. lol!

  71.  #71Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Lucy, I don’t think it sounds crazy at all that you would want to sleep with TN Man. As long as he leaves Interloper out of it.

    I’ve been tempted to go to Vegas just to get it on with LVMan. He got me all intrigued with his business and now he’s not coming here. Just once…. oh Lord, please just once?

  72.  #72Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Mary – REALLY! WTF?!

    He introduced you to her? I thought that stuff only happened in the movies. Wow!

    She’s obviously not as evil as I am, because I would have planned some revenge on him with you if I were her. (insert evil laugh and hand rubbing here).

  73.  #73Siena on June 11, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Frenchie stood me up – AGAIN! haha this feels really funny.

    okay, so what’s his message? hmmmm… couple of things… 1) I don’t feel at all upset that he stood me up, which is good! It means that I am not placing any control in the hands of a man who has yet to prove himself to me 2) I need to trust my intuition, and remember that my ‘no’ means ‘no’. I told him that I wouldn’t go out with me after he stood me up the first time, and then I basically let him talk me into it for this time.

    Thank you Frenchie, for that lesson. You may exit stage left – au revoir!

  74.  #74Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Oh. Sorry. Must have gotten my Wonder Woman cape confused with my masculine energy cape there for a minute. Oops.

  75.  #75Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Siena – Well… I feel happy that you’re not upset about it. Again I have to ask on here tonight, WTF?

  76.  #76Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    He’s a fool!

  77.  #77Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Funny! I just had the urge to call Frenchie a “sissy boy”! Which is what I used to call guys when I would lean forward and then ultimately kick them to the curb! Long before I knew about Rori.

    Funny that she talks about masculine energy and how I didn’t realize then that I was encouraging that sissy energy in them.


  78.  #78Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I haven’t used or even thought of the term Sissy Boy for probably over a year now. I feel bemused!

  79.  #79Siena on June 11, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    I just ignored an old IM from earlier today from #1CD. Felt scary, but if I’m treating him like any other man in my rotation, that’s what I would do with them, so that’s what I do with him. If I had replied, he would receive it when he logs back on, which is kind of lame.

    We had a really great date last night, and he’s taking me out tomorrow night too. I want to continue to lean back and stay open to him and be a total Siren.

    He’s already talking about the future, but I don’t know when I can trust it. I mean, I guess I can only trust it when it stops being daydreaming, and starts being real… but until that time, it’s still CDing for me!

    I was daydreaming today – you know what would feel really good? If the guy I was with opened my car door for me when I get out of the car. #1CD opens doors, but not when I’m in the car to let me out. Years ago, I saw a man do that for a woman, and it looked so romantic, and she looked like a million bucks and he looked really proud. I might ask for that from him… hmm….

  80.  #80Siena on June 11, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    ya Sweetpea, he’s just one in the river of men that Daria’s been talking about. He IS a fool, and I don’t want to be with a fool… so NEXT!

  81.  #81dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    i am feeling upset and having a hard time calming down because i am PMSing holy cow.

  82.  #82dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    i feel embarassed….

    my LI went out of town for 5 days and didn’t contact me once. He says he loves me, wants me forever, etc…and then doesn’t freaking call me

    at first he was like ur overreacting, but then i told him how i felt about it and he is like i’m sorry, i won’t do it again, etc… i believe him i guess but i can’t quit being mad even when he was like give me another chance, blah blah

    i’m just feeling humiliated like, hi, my name is dorothea, and my guy doesn’t call me for 5 days on end…

    i feel embarassed to even admit this here.

  83.  #83Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Dorothea, I would feel upset about that too. Like… tap, tap, tap… is this thing on? Did he just forget about me?

  84.  #84Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    What does LI mean?

  85.  #85dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    He doesn’t usually ever do classic asshole thing like this. i felt shocked and now i feel humiliated knowing that my guy can go 5 days without talking to me.

    i dont want to be THAT GIRL.

    LI=Love Interest

  86.  #86dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    I feel confused. i dunno if this should be a deal breaker. i feel confused about if this is ok to get over. i feel so PISSED that i even have to consider this. i feel like screaming and crying and hitting my head on the wall i feel nuts i feel embarassed i feel like rori is going to read this and judge me I FEEL SO MAD I WANT TO CRY

    i feel sad i feel afraid that i am not meant to receive love on this earth in a romantic of family way. i feel abandoned by everyone in this life i feel tired i have been on my own since i was in highschool and i feel tired and taken for granted and cast aside i feel tired i feel sad i feel not very good at riffing tonight but i’m trying

  87.  #87Jeannette on June 11, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Guys, I ran into an old love from high school. He looks so much different but is still the sweet, gentle guy I remember. He has worked a day job all these years and played in nightclubs at night in his band. I can see it’s taken it’s toll because he has lots of lines in his face and just looks burned out. But I don’t want it to keep me from falling back in love with him. Has anyone ever had an experience like this and what have you done? I don’t think of myself as a superficial woman and I don’t want it to stand in the way of what could be a new beginning for us.

  88.  #88dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    dont worry jeannette, just like how he doesn’t look like how he did back in the day, he also isn’t the same person he was back in the day. i mean…people and circumstances change which creates a different dating experience at any given point in time. so you don’t really have to worry about whether he’s attractive enough to fall in love with because he still has to re-win you over as the man he is NOW anyway.

    what do u think?

  89.  #89Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Dorothea –
    Aww man! I’m sorry. I don’t think Rori would tell you to dump him though. Remember – she says all of that is drama. Just lean back and keep him in the CDing rotation. Is that a possibility for you?

    I know this is hard. I’m so sorry. And I just went against that advice and told LVMan goodbye. Different circumstances though. He was supposed to be moving here and now he’s not. I know I don’t want a long distance relationship and although we never really talked about it, I think his actions (just sort of drifting out of my life now) speak louder than words.

    Yeah. I guess I’m a hypocrite like that. If I could take my own advice, I’d have this down! 😉 I feel sad for you though. So sorry!!

  90.  #90Jeannette on June 11, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Dorothy, he seems like the same ol’ guy I knew, it’s weird, like no time lapsed. But I see what you mean, he still has to win me back. He sort of has, I’ve been out with him twice…but I am not as attracted to him physically and I was just wondering if there is a way to get over that.

  91.  #91dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    my nv is saying that i’m not actually capable of having a happy and healthy relationship.

  92.  #92dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    ugh ugh
    something that will make me feel better is accepting the comfort he wants to offer. like putting my head in his lap and letting him comfort me

    but i feel so fucked up about that. like…the person who humiliates me comforts me too? this feels backwards. and further more if we’re not all that serious (cuz he doesn’t freaking call for 5 days) then why would i be going to him for that sort of comfort.

    oh i feel lost at sea

  93.  #93dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    ugh ugh
    something that will make me feel better is accepting the comfort he wants to offer. like putting my head in his lap and letting him comfort me

    but i feel so f*cked up about that. like…the person who humiliates me comforts me too? this feels backwards. and further more if we’re not all that serious (cuz he doesn’t freaking call for 5 days) then why would i be going to him for that sort of comfort.

    oh i feel lost at sea

  94.  #94Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Dorothea: I want all NVs to shut up and go sit in the corner NOW. If my guy left town and didn’t call, I guarantee I would be upset. Even if I’m a rockstar and busy living my own life, I’m going to notice that he didn’t contact me. Just follow your feelings. No stuffing this. Lean back. Let him seriously row and pursue you. (((HUGS)))

    Jeannette: I feel weird that after two dates, he’s already won you over. And now you’re trying to convince yourself to look past your non-attraction. Right now he’s just a man like any other man in your rotation. Not sure how long high school was for you, but the guys I knew then are NOTHING like they are now. He’d be a stranger as far as I’m concerned.

  95.  #95Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Dorothea – If you missed mine, please see #88. Don’t know if you remember this Rori tool or not.

    I agree with SS. Your feelings are valid. No stuffing.

  96.  #96dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    THANK YOU SHANNON i feel relieved reading your response to me.

    now i am left with the feeling of yuckiness and awareness of how mean and arrogant i get when i feel abandoned. is the message that i get mean and arrogant when i feel abandoned even though most of the abandonment i feel isn’t from the current situation at the time but from my past. i feel yucky at myself for starting to get mean in text and then i finally just said ok being mean and angry feels bad too im going to go take care of myself now bye.

    wow this situation has been eating me up whole all evening, i cried and everything. i don’t think this is normal? is itjust the pms? i’m not like this except for around pmsy time

    well i was like this ALL the time when i was on birth control pills. yikes haha

  97.  #97dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    sweetpea, yeah i need to circular date more

    i feel very wrapped up in this man and i fight it every step of the way. i push him away too.

    nv says i’m crazy

  98.  #98Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Ohhh. Sad. I feel sad.

    CDing is effective. It also feels exhausting sometimes. Thank God it’s temporary!

    Don’t listen to NV. If you were crazy, you wouldn’t have those thoughts. I know! It sounds crazy, huh?

  99.  #99dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    i feel embarassed i overreacted with my cussing and emotional outburts cuz i was reliving old trauma at the moment omg i feel exposed and ugly now i want to rush back towards him and apologize for that part

    not doin it just typin about it here.

    urgh i always cuss when i am angry or threatened. i should shut that off but i also feel resentful at the thought of censoring myself. urgh!

  100.  #100dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    sweetpea i am feeling very vulnerable and freaked out and your reply felt like a warm fuzzy comforting blanket thank you!

  101.  #101Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Dorothea – I feel happy to hear that and I love the visual you created.

    How long have you been seeing LI? Sounds like it’s been awhile.

  102.  #102dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    you know what is something that perpetuated my bad feelings and anger and frustration as the conversation with him went on and on was i felt angry that i look cute as hell today, and now this situation makes me not feel good about spending the evening with and i’m all lookin fly and i can’t show off to him.

    isn’t that a son of a b*tch!

    then i was crying and i as like HOLY hellllll MY MAKEUP and felt even more angry

  103.  #103Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Dorothea, what if you write out some Feeling Messages that you could have used instead of the words you did use with him — to help yourself to be able to express more effectively in the future….. How would that feel?

    I have done that in some situations that I “lost it” in — I got mad at myself for blowing a chance to use feeling messages in a difficult situation, but then I helped myself learn by writing done what I “should” have said so that I can do better next time.

  104.  #104Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Dorothea – I have written out feeling messages – sort of revisited the situation when I didn’t feel I handled it as well as I could have as well.

    It felt cathartic to me.

    Sounds miserable! I HATE it when I ruin my makeup!!!

  105.  #105Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    I would also want to talk to the abandoned little girl inside me, hug her and tell her that I am here for her and that I will never abandon her, and that she is going to grow up to be a beautiful woman surrounded by beautiful goddesses who love her and want to nurture her while she nurtures herself….that she is going to be just fine, and she can grow up now and be healed and whole. <3

  106.  #106dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    i may go see my best guy friend that i refer to as brother at his bouncer job at my favorite bar since my boss left me his car and said to use it for whatever so that my perfectly cute outfit is not wasted.

    i feel shocked and bad and exposed realizing just now that i get so mean and angry and ghetto (not necessarily a bad thing but very defensive and prickly) in current situations when they bring up my cumulative bad feeling from situations in the past.

    nv to the corner.
    quieting your nv is one of the most challenging things you can do.
    i’ll even say to myself…but what if i’m just kidding myself, and i really SHOULD be beating myself up right now…

  107.  #107Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Dorothea: I would want to apologize for cussing too, but I feel nervous, like maybe that’s the wrong move here. Would that be leaning forward? Or apologizing for the anger when that really is what you felt (honesty). I don’t know. I would genuinely feel awful if a guy I loved just stopped calling for 5 days. Have you ever gone that long between talking?

    I might even feel angry and surprised that he wasn’t worried about what *I* was doing while he was away. There might be a little fear there too that he just assumes he’s got me in the bag. Ya know? A little like being taken for granted which… ack TRIGGER.

    Then again, maybe refreshing to have a break. (I’m thinking of Tina when I say this. Hehe.) But for me, 5 days would feel like a really long time if we normally talk every day.

    Ugh. I feel bad. I wish I knew what to say, but I feel stumped for words.

  108.  #108Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    “i’ll even say to myself…but what if i’m just kidding myself, and i really SHOULD be beating myself up right now…”

    That sounds like my daughter! When I remind her not to tell herself bad things about herself, she says, “But what if they’re TRUE? I don’t want to deceive myself! I want to believe the TRUTH about myself.”


  109.  #109dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    lucy thank you sooo much for the helpful idea. i am going to do this!

    i can honestly say that much of this was fueled by wanting him to see how cute i looked today and knowing i wasn’t going to feel comfortable enough to lean forward or accept a last minute invitation. how ridiculous is that!

    well now that i have verbally puked in conversation with him, i wonder if there is some sort of “turn around” i can do. gosh i feel embarassed. and irritated with myself because i am anxious to know how to deal with HIM and i want to worry about me first but nvs won’t let me

  110.  #110Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Dorothea: that is too funny that you mention feeling super cute. I was suppose to go downtown with my girlfriend before going to play bunco with some moms I know. I couldn’t make it downtown and a part of me feels mad that I wasted my cute lookin’ self playing bunco with a bunch of other women. 🙂 I had fun but I still felt a little miffed that I didn’t get to CD with any boys.

  111.  #111Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Oooo… Dorothea… did you get that email from Rori about Anger. BRB. It was today’s email. Would be perfect for your situation.

  112.  #112Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    So try this Tool when you’re about to either
    “tell him off” or “hold it in” to actually
    INCREASE his attraction to you – SHIFT GEARS:

    1. STOP. Absolutely INTERRUPT what you’re
    about to do or say.

    Whatever it is you’re about to do or say is
    OLD, it’s what you’ve BEEN DOING – it hasn’t
    worked, and it will never work – so STOP.

    2. Sit down. On the floor is great, on the
    couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is
    best – don’t go slink off in a corner somewhere so
    he won’t see you.

    Just sit down wherever you are when you catch
    yourself about to do or say one of your two
    “styles” – the moment after you STOP.

    3. Take a very deep breath, let it out, then
    breathe in and out 2 more times.

    Let the air go all the way down your body, and
    focus on relaxing each body part as the air
    touches it.

    (Most important body parts for this – let your
    shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If
    your tummy is dancing around – let it, that’s

    4. Come up with the feeling you were about to
    say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself –
    like, for instance – “hurt.”

    Let’s say he didn’t call when he said he would,
    he didn’t show up at your house when he said he
    would, he made plans to do something elsewhere
    when you were hoping for a romantic evening…and
    you’re about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND
    everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.

    You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe,
    you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).

    Now – find the FEELING by…

    Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:

    – You know it’s NOT that “he’s wrong and bad
    and hurtful…”

    – You know it’s NOT that “everything’s fine” or
    “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I
    really wanted to spend the evening alone washing
    my hair.” Or even worse – “I got invited to do
    something else, so this is great…” – (if it’s
    not absolutely true.)

    So – what DO YOU KNOW?

    – You KNOW you feel BAD. You know you feel
    DISAPPOINTED. You know you feel ANGRY.

    So – SAY IT!

    5. Tell the Truth:

    Say, out loud, without saying the word “you” –
    feeling you came up with.

    Say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel Disappointed,” or
    I feel Angry.”



    This looks like: you don’t ASK HIM for

    If he apologizes, say Thank You, and then say:

    “I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or

    7. That’s it. You’re done.

    Listen to what he has to say, and don’t DISCUSS
    his excuses.

    Don’t get into ANY discussion.

    8. Now you have to follow your feelings even
    more, because you’re going to have Triggered
    yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting,
    attractive, UNUSUAL – and totally UNEXPECTED

    Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in.

    9. Feel PROUD. Let the Nasty Voice talk, but
    don’t believe it, don’t do what it says, don’t
    defend yourself against it.

    YOU are in CHARGE.

    Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice – “I’m
    in CHARGE of ME.”

    Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in
    this same way you stood up to your man – just
    follow the steps:

    Stop defending against the Voice in your head,
    sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis
    and vagina.

    Say to it – “I’m in Charge of Me,” and then –
    and this is important:

    10. IMMEDIATELY turn away from your man, and
    from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun,
    happy, involving, exciting, useful.

    Go play with your makeup, or pet the cat, or
    open the novel you were reading, or take your
    purse and your keys and go to the all-night
    pharmacy to buy some new lipstick, or, if it’s
    daytime, go out for a walk, or go in the kitchen
    and make yourself some tea.

  113.  #113dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    shannon thank you for your reply, you probably dont think so but it is helping me calm down and i am feeling way gotten by you right now.

    sometimes i think i react meanly because then i’ve done something bad too and it cancels out their bad thing in my mind (“oh but i said xyz when they did abc”) so i don’t ever have to have boundaries. i dunno just a thought.

  114.  #114dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    yay rori nice e letter wow!

  115.  #115Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    A situation I had recently where I lost it and said blaming things instead of using feeling messages (with my ex-h) . . . I felt bad afterward for how I had handled it . . . my daughter even said she felt sorry for him!!! (which made me even madder) . . . but he had really upset me (and triggered old stuff too) . . .

    I thought about apologizing to him and telling him “I should have just said ‘I feel horrible’ etc instead of lashing out at you….” but I decided NOT to apologize, but to tuck it away as a learning experience for next time….

    I thought he might stay upset at me if I didn’t apologize, but he didn’t . . .

    my vibe is so much better around him now than it used to be pre-Rori anyway . . .

    But my situation was not something that needed to be resolved, like yours does . . . my situation is one in which we are NOT getting back together, but still I want to be amicable with him….

  116.  #116Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Sometimes I think I react meanly because then I’ve done something bad too and it cancels out their bad thing in my mind…

    Wow Dorothea, that feels huge to me.

  117.  #117dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    LOL i accidentally sent this man my last txt to him AGAIN picking up my phone and pressing the main button on accident LOL i txtd him like shoot accidentally hit resend picking up phone.


  118.  #118Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something….

    If he responds, how would you feel about using Feeling Messages about how you’re feeling now?

  119.  #119dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    he says ‘that’s ok. i hope you sleep well and i love you”

    blah blah lol. i will sleep well after i GO OUT LOOKIN CUTE. wish i had some girlfriends around to party with (sober partying lol). my sidekick is out of town right now and then she’s moving to freaking mexico city to cover the drug war as a journalist.

  120.  #120Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Maybe even to just tell him you felt angry because you feel your cuteness was wasted?

  121.  #121Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    I do the same thing. Literally. I am the queen of over-reacting when I feel angry. I act self-righteous and bitchy when I think I’m right. And I will let it hang over the guy’s head until I think he’s suffered enough. Seriously. This is my MO.

  122.  #122Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Ok. Maybe not then. I feel happy you’re starting to feel better though.

  123.  #123dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    lol i feel giggly reading your MO shannon

  124.  #124dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    sweetpea i am feelin better actually thanks i feel grateful to all of you here tonight

    you’re like my crisis hotline but way less depressing thank you i feel so privileged and lucky

  125.  #125Simply Shannon on June 11, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    I hope you get to go out in your cute outfit! This lady has got to get some sleep. I feel tired.

    P.S. I did not email or text Mr. Masculine Man. Woohoo. I’m still itching to do it though. hehe! I am considering unfriending him on Facebook. I feel weird and childish doing it but I don’t want to see his dates on his page. It feels yucky. I know I don’t love him or want anything from him. He’s just an occasional fun date but… I dunno. Hmmm… if I never comment on his status/pics, I won’t get comments from girls on his page.

    P.S.S. A part of me is daring him to try and forget about me. Like if this chick is silly enough to leave such a blatant comment on his page, she’s already a goner. But knowing him, he’ll date her exclusively (because she’ll go there and I won’t) and months from now they’ll break up. By then I’ll who knows where. [insert evil laugh again].

    I friggin’ dislike facebook when dating. I’m gonna second the motion to unfriend. Done.

  126.  #126dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    I say no facebook till marriage. meaning i won’t be your facebook friend unless we’re married or really just friends.

  127.  #127Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Great eletter! I actually did that very thing tonight!

    My ex-h arrived to take me and the kids to dinner for my b-day. My son was taking a shower, so the rest of us were waiting in the living room. My other son asked where we were gonna eat and I told him Old Country Buffet. My ex-h grins and says, “You know what ‘buffet’ stands for?”

    I’m thinking oh no, this won’t be good….

    He says, with a grin, “Big Ugly Farting Fatties Eating Together!”

    My kids laugh (my daughter told me later they were laughing about the fact that he thinks that kind of thing is funny — “He’s such a redneck” said my daughter).

    But I felt HORRIBLE. I wanted to chew him out and tell him he’s gross and disgusting and offensive. OR I wanted to say nothing and stew about it all night and silently feel superior.

    But it was like, I don’t know, this stuff is becoming so natural now — I did just what Rori described in that letter — it was what came naturally to me at that moment —

    I stopped. Stood there, looked at him reclining on the sofa…. and felt TEARS welling up!

    The room got silent; he looked at me, stared at me, not unkindly.

    I breathed.

    Then I quietly said, “I don’t know why, but I feel like crying!”

    He looked concerned and regretful.

    I said, “I feel really bad. I feel disgusted. I feel like I’ve lost my appetite. I feel sad. I feel like I don’t want to go there now.”

    My daughter said, “Trigger.”

    He said, “Aw, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

    We ended up going, and I still felt bad while we were driving there, but I read the blog on my phone 🙂 to cheer me up, and we went and had a good time.

    Afterwards, he mowed the lawn, installed a new garbage disposal, and gave me a very long massage! While he was giving me the massage, he said, “Sorry I ruined your birthday dinner.”

    I said, “You didn’t ruin it. It was nice. thanks again.”

  128.  #128Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Imagine how different it would have been if I had blamed and accused him! OF COURSE he would have gotten defensive! Wow, what a difference feeling messages make!

  129.  #129dorothea on June 11, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    yayayayay lucy that feels inspiring 2 read

    ok leaving now

  130.  #130Sweetpea on June 11, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Wow Lucy! Kudos! How’s that growth feel?

    That feels so encouraging! I feel ecstatic for you!

    Woohoo! (Redneck Yay!! -lol)!

    Have a good night. I’m off to bed. Rough day today. Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you! You’ve inspired me to doze of with a smile on my face.

    3 pointer on Siren Island!

  131.  #131Lucy on June 11, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Thanks! I feel like, wow, I’m a big girl now! I’m 48 years old and I finally learned how to manage my emotions!

  132.  #132Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Opps. I meant to put this here… Welllll… I feel soooooooooooooo embarrassed!!!!! Tell me I’m not alone???????? haha

    I’m hoping what I believed happened is not true. I just had to laugh it off and let it go…

    Everyone was gone from the house tonight so.. I thought it would be perfect timing for an Alicia Play date… Fast forward to me having to take a battery of the remote control so I could use it in more prodcutive places.. (lol) Otherwise known as my vibomax 2000..

    Well.. I decided to work on my “yes vocals” (thanks to modern sirens) and the door beeps when someone comes home.. So I thought “no worries” let it out, have fun..

    Well.. several vocal excerises later haha.. I hear someones foots in the hall.. I feel totally ALARMED. Totally SHOCKED and I jumped up.. and ran bath water.. (like that would throw off the noise) ( just out of panick.. hoping to confuse them haha.. I guess) then I look at myself in the mirror and laugh it off.. Put on a brave face walk into the living room and act liked nothing happened..

    My roomie luckily just walked in then. So, I thought maybe I was safe.. She tells me the party was boring so her and her boyfriend came home early! (sarcastic: grrrrrreat) I ever so casually say.. ohhh so you just walked in? (to confirm) As I slip the battery back in the remote.. ever so causally. And she’s ya..
    I ask where her boyfriend was? Hoping he was still outside.. But, no he comes around the hall way.. brushing his teeth, looks at me and turns immediately around..

    lol….. Ummmmmmmm ya! So much for my personal date night! hahaha. I feel mortified.. but, say-la-vi.. oh well..

  133.  #133dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 12:17 am

    today, the manicurist cut me twice, once right away with over zealous filing and then later with the cuticle cutters. after the second time both my hands were hurting so bad from all the acetone and cuts and bleeding that i said, i want to leave. i don’t want anymore.

    it was awkward but i just kept saying i want to leave these cuts hurt i feel bad and am in a bad mood cuz of them. it seemed to work out very well and diplomatically even though they didnt speak very good english.

    i feel proud that i left a service that didn’t feel right. first time ever! i drove over to my old salon and they finished the manicure for me yayyy

    i have oozy blood globbed on two fingers. yucky owwy.

  134.  #134Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 12:37 am

    I hope they didn’t make you pay……

    I walked into a salon and took around and left.. felt “a not so much, feeling” and left, then drove to my normal place. It does hurt when they cut you, And this week I had two pop backwards… which was painful..

    I just clipped them all down and watch them fly across the air. It was funny seeing the cat’s reaction.. Minnie’s eyes looked so interested.. then she planted herself across my bible and purred, as I filed my nails.. It was funny

  135.  #135Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 12:58 am

    All SIRENS check this out:

    You Tube – Rori Raye

    I checked out some of the videos on the new home page. I double clicked.. and was able to subscribe on you tube.. There is 30 videos! 🙂

    (toxic men)

    Is a good one! I’m so glad there is more..

  136.  #136Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Watch these or forward them to your friends…

    I took time to sort them out on you UTube so my friends can get an idea of the program and why we love it sooo much!

    Group 1 – Commitment Blue Print 🙂
    (all are just a couple of minutes)

    1. (Commitment Blue Print)

    2. (Light his fire)

    3. (Up your status)

    4. (Create more intrigue)

    5. (How he falls)

    6. (Now and Forever)

    7. (Are you Exclusive)

    8. ( The Magic Moment)

    9. (Men and Exclusivity)

    10. (The Loving Feeling)

  137.  #137Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 2:54 am

    Email I made to share with friends.. – All the clips are around two minutes..

    Rori Raye – Targeting Mr. Right

    1. (Step into your Power) *MUST WATCH

    2. (The Diva Creed) ***

    3. (The Price of Comitment)

    4. (You are the Target)

    5. (Targeting Mr. Right)

  138.  #138Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 2:56 am

    Modern Sirens – Rori Raye

    Email I made to share with friends.. – All the clips are around two minutes..

    1. (Road to Love)

    2. (Lure of the Siren)

    3. (Be the Lighthouse)

    4. (Your Feeling and Him)

    5. (Strong and Steady)

    6. (Declare your Independence) (Modern Siren) I have this DVD program..

  139.  #139Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 2:59 am

    Rori Raye.. Toxic Men Sample and “recovery” 😉

    Email I made to share with friends.. – All the clips are around two minutes..

    Pt. 1 (Toxic Men Sample)

    Pt. 2 (Not being Stuck)

    Pt. 3 (Is He Toxic)

    Pt. 4 (Detox)

    Pt. 5 (Feeling Secure)

    Pt. 6 (Relationship as Therapy)

  140.  #140Simply Shannon on June 12, 2010 at 7:22 am

    Happy birthday Lucy! I realized after I got in bed last night that you said “MY birthday dinner”. Oops! I feel bad that I didn’t connect the dots last night. 🙂

    Happy birthday pretty lady!

  141.  #141Simply Shannon on June 12, 2010 at 7:31 am

    Dorothea: Did you have fun in your cute outfit last night? I hope so!!

    Lucy: I feel surprised reading he gave you a long massage. My brain can’t compute my ex-h putting his hands on me ever again. We’re friends and all and last time we talked, it felt flirtatious. But a massage? Wow. I feel impressed. And so cool that you practiced the tool right then and there. Something clicked for me when you were writing. It’s the “not blaming” him part.

    Re: His buffet joke (which btw would have hit me exactly the same way). I’m feeling the “blaming him” part underneath the surface. In my head, I’m thinking “do YOU think I’m fat?” or “what a shitty thing to say about a place *I* picked”.

    But that is all internal stuff that I’m assigning to HIS words. That *I* feel fat or *I* feel humiliated for picking a buffet because that implies *I* am fat somehow. Haha! I can see that now.

    Not blaming him. Thank you!

  142.  #142dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 9:02 am

    YES shannon, i went to the bar but i didn’t drink anything. I ordered some pizza. i received loads of male attention. it’s like i had an extra sparkliness on me because i wasn’t drinking. I love going to bars sober.

  143.  #143mary on June 12, 2010 at 9:24 am


    i’m just reading through…


    no WAY Mr. Masculine Man could ever forget you. he’s trying though, isn’t he?

    we all know that trying to forget someone just puts them right in the forefront of our minds.


    wow about your roomie’s boyfriend! hoping the toothbrush was loudly electric!


    Happy Birthday!

    and oh my! “i feel like crying!” that is soooooo cool that you said that!

    and that your daughter said, “TRIGGER.” daughters don’t miss a thing, do they?


    i loved what Rori said to you about marketing! just go out and date the world!

    i have to do that, too. i’m kinda looking forward to it… because it means Meet Up Groups and coffee and all that stuff, and i like meeting people and just saying hey. that’s fun for me.

  144.  #144mary on June 12, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Island Man emailed me last night at 10:30 to tell me he’d be in town today and if i could meet him for a walk or a drink, that would be fabulous.

    i emailed him back and said, “i’d love to see you. come early! it seems like the time goes so quickly when you’re around.”


    i haven’t heard from him yet.

    he’ll probably show up any minute.

    i thought he was yesterday? what am i doing?

    waiting, waiting and waiting.

  145.  #145mary on June 12, 2010 at 9:31 am

    i know… it sounded a bit grabby.

    oh. when will i learn to wait for a while before responding? if i could learn to wait, i just know i’d have more clever things to say.

  146.  #146mary on June 12, 2010 at 9:40 am

    how can i tell him that i’d like him to plan ahead?

  147.  #147mary on June 12, 2010 at 9:41 am

    i’ve been just going ahead and making plans, and sometimes i’ve missed him.

  148.  #148Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Mary – Good morning Sunshine!

    One of my biggest challenges has been to learn to wait until I’m comfortable with what I want to say before I respond. I find it’s so much more difficult when I’m attracted. But that’s when it feels the most necessary. What a wicked, evil double-edged sword.

    Another thing though, is I’ve had 4 or 5 potential CDs delete their profiles while I was trying to decide what I want to say… I think three days is the longest I’ve waited. Yesterday it was 5 hours…. I keep telling myself that my delay is not the reason they’re deleting, but… it’s getting harder and harder to convince myself.

    What do you make of that?

  149.  #149Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Mary – I think going ahead and making plans is good. That being the case, you would think he’s be getting the idea by now that he should give you a little advance notice. That feels interesting to me.

  150.  #150Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Mary – re: your “how should I tell him that I’d like him to plan ahead?”

    I would use the opportunities when you’ve already made plans to do that. Something like, “It feels bad that I won’t get to see you. It would be better if I had more notice. I don’t want to miss seeing you when you’re here. What do you think?”

    I’m not sure how to phrase the “I don’t want.” I’m still practicing those, but let me know what you think. I bet you’ll have a better idea!

  151.  #151Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:01 am

    OMG Sirens

    I feel like screaming it from the rooftop, “You all were right. That MarriedMan27 is looking to have an affair with me..!!”

    It’s been 3 days since he got my number, but he didn’t call up. So I thought perhaps he might not call, but today he did text.

    He, “Hi Ankita. This is Anupam. Wassup? Thanks for your emails. Where do you stay and what you do nowadays?”

    I didn’t give him the location of where do I stay but did reply back that am waiting for my counseling, having cleared the engineering entrance exams. (I did just reply to him to see what his actual motives were. Just friendship or….)

    He, “Ok. Well Ankita. I must say that you have very b’ful eyes. The black suits you very well. Great.”

    I, “Thank you so much. It’s nice to be appreciated.”

    Then he did little bit blah blah, things not of much importance.

    He, “Ankita, May I quote you that you really look cute. I like you. Sorry for late replies. Ankita, have you fallen in love ever before. Pardon my curiosity. ”

    Me, “Not yet. What about you?”

    He, “Nope. But it can be you.”

    Me, “What about your wife? Don’t you love her?”

    He, “ Ankita, before we get into any relationship, let me clarify that my wife is a very busy person. I am therefore, still searching for my love. Of course Ankita, if you have any reservations about dating a married man, I won’t bother you at all. Of course, we will noly be dating each other Ankita.”

    Me, “ Right now, I don’t want a relationship with anyone, I just wanna date. Moreover, I won’t prefer to have a relationship with anyone who has someone else, I end up feeling small and edgy. Nothing more than friendship I want. Can you call me? I am having a hard time texting.”

    He, “Can I ask you tomorrow for a date at City Center. Am really looking forward to have a romantic outing with you. Hope you won’t have any problem with that.”

    Me, “I feel kinda afraid saying this, that I don’t wanna get into a relationship with a married guy. I don’t wanna risk a heartbreak. Ok then, I gotta go now downstairs to sleep. Good night.”

    He, “Ankita I do appreciate your concerns. I just thought we could have some amazing moments together. Anyway, if you ever feel like just call me up. Bye dear. I also wish to call you tonight, only if you wish to talk Ankita.”

    I came downstairs after that, and he did call me 10 minutes ago, I didn’t receive his call.

  152.  #152Siena on June 12, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Hi Mary,

    I’ve struggled with that same question about how to communicate that I don’t typically like short notice for dates.

    You could try feeling messages and don’t want statements, but it really comes down to how he might like to manage relationships. If that’s the case, the only options are to accept him like that or reject it and find someone who manages the relationship more to your liking.

    Just my $.02. Removing boy hat

  153.  #153mary on June 12, 2010 at 11:12 am

    yes, Sweet Pea, that feels just perfect! to wait until he’s missed being with me because he didn’t make plans. i like it.

    and yes Siena, i think this is just the way he is. maybe i should figure out what i want.

    i mean, i’m sitting here with an invitation to go to the Snow Birds, waiting for him to get here and having to forfeit going. maybe he’ll arrive and we can go? or he might want to do something else. i’m just now realizing that i wanted to see the Snow Birds very much! but yes, i’d like seeing him more.

    maybe he’ll arrive soon… thank you.

  154.  #154Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 11:15 am

    “but it really comes down to how he might like to manage relationships. If that’s the case, the only options are to accept him like that or reject it and find someone who manages the relationship more to your liking.”

    This resonates with me —

    I am definitely one who PREFERS last minute invites. I don’t like planning something on ahead because when it comes time to do it, I might not feel like it anymore! I really like it when a guy calls and says, “Hey, are you up for something spontaneous?” If I am, I say “yes!” and it’s the BEST kind of date for me. If I’m not, I say “no” and feel good about it.

    So it’s not really, imo, a reflection of the guy’s quality, but more a reflection of his personal style.

  155.  #155Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Am gonna have to do anything with this guy. He is married. And I don’t want a married guy in my life. I don’t want another heartbreak.

  156.  #156mary on June 12, 2010 at 11:20 am


    this guy sounds very persistent!

    oh, it’s so much easier to see things when you’re observing and not when you’re in them!

    i say this:

    you know he wants to be with you sexually even though he’s married.

    my husband left me for another woman and it was traumatic. he really had no idea how deeply i was wounded by that.

    this guy is wounding his relationship with his wife by looking for someone else. and she feels it somewhere, even if she doesn’t see what he’s doing.

    i feel kind of upset just looking from my angle – given my history.

  157.  #157mary on June 12, 2010 at 11:22 am


    Yes! I love being spontaneous too. The only problem with that is that it’s such an effort for him to come here, and because I’m giving up other spontaneous things to do while I wait for him.

    Still hoping he’ll show today! He says he has to leave at 2 pm.

  158.  #158Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:27 am


    yes.. that’s what I am trying to do. I just wanna observe things. I can see that he is trying to tempt and lure me with his sweet words and looks, and maturity. This guy is really very good looking and has a high salary. He has also been a theatre actor. BUT HE IS MARRIED. BAD..

    I feel sorry for you Mary. 🙁

    I do understand that if I go anywhere near him, I will have him wound his relation with his wife, and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna be the other girl. I can feel how it feels. I don’t wanna ruin her life. And this guy, ugghhh…!!!

  159.  #159Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Ankita – I think you told him just right. Now just stick to it.

    I’m coming to the conclusion that some of the more persistent CDs I have who are coming on too strong are there to teach me to stick to my boundaries? Maybe it is the same for you? What do you think of that?

  160.  #160Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Shannon, YES! my mind DID start to go to all those “stories” about what he said — exactly what you wrote! But it was like the moment of truth where I KNEW THAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW that my old ways never got me what I wanted and led to PAIN for all involved — me, him, the kids….

    So I went straight past the THOUGHTS and into my FEELINGS….and spoke them…

    Yes, without BLAMING!!! That is completely the key! It’s really taking responsibility for your own feelings.

    I felt so good, too, because my kids were there and they WITNESSED a dramatically different encounter between their parents than what they had seen for so long.

    About the massage….. Yeah, it has only been in the past few months that I have been able to truly forgive him and love him and accept him as is…. and in doing so, just be open to him…. KNOWING that I will never allow him to be my husband again, I feel therefore SAFE — that I have boundaries and will protect myself with my boundaries while accepting him as he is.

    So….the massage felt great! I laid facedown on my bed in my nightie, and he started with my neck, back, and shoulders, then went to my feet . . . then worked his way up my legs and to my butt! (He spent a lot of time there! and i felt good about that because I have a big flabby butt and i was thinking, “Wow, he must not be too turned off by my butt, spending all that time there!” It was actually kinda validating! Lol!)

    He then asked if he could do my “front” but i told him I promised our daughter I would watch a show with her . . . but he caressed my face a little, and down the front of my neck, and wanted to keep going but i told him I had to go to her . . . I told him thanks and that it felt good. He said, “I probably enjoyed it as much as you did.”

  161.  #161Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Thanks for the birthday wishes. 🙂

  162.  #162Lorelei on June 12, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Dear Ankita

    I am very new to all of this, but reading through your conversation with married man, I feel uncertain about whether he believes you. I feel really glad for your sake that you didn’t take that call. When he says “Before we get into any relationship . . ” that says to me not only that he’s looking for “any relationship” but also he is fine about his deceiving his wife etc. And he may not tell the whole truth to possible affair-ees either. There’s no way of knowing how much of what he claims about his situation is fact. I REALLY appreciate how you found and used feeling messages throughout the whole conversation. Great example. Thank you!

  163.  #163Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:40 am


    I agree with you. I have noticed one thing in these cases. The way we carry ourselves and stick to our boundaries, compels the men to respect us. And the moment we move out of our boundaries, do what we don’t feel right, the respect is “gone.”

    This guy is trying to tempt me really hard, and I am just doing NO, No, No…

  164.  #164Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:43 am


    Yes. that’s my concern too. We met on a dating site, so may be in a similar way he could be telling the same thing to all other girls. And who knows if his wife is really busy? I feel like, he can even make the “busy” as an excuse to gain sympathy and love…!!

  165.  #165mary on June 12, 2010 at 11:54 am

    oh, this is cool!

    boats are lining up right to see the Snow Birds. i guess they’ll be flying right over me!

    so maybe i won’t miss them while i wait for Island Man!

    too good to be true! i’m charging my camera’s battery now…

  166.  #166Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Till now, I have managed it right, but am little clueless what to say to him now..? I mean, perhaps meeting him, isn’t a great idea after all…

    I feel confused and shaked…!!

  167.  #167mary on June 12, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    i’m getting to the stage with Man in the Woods where he’s asking a lot of questions:

    1. he reasons that if i really liked him, i wouldn’t be looking. (on Plenty of Fish, going to dating clubs, etc.) – i mean, i see it! it doesn’t make sense when you look at it that way.

    2. he wonders how long it will take for me to start coming his way… how many guys do i need to meet, how many dates with each guy, how many kisses, etc.?

    OH, there are the helicopters that go with the Snow Birds!!!


    3. he tells himself that everything is just fine, but he has a gut feeling that it just isn’t the way people do it. (we’re always saying it’s counter-intuitive. and this guy is feeling his feelings – and they don’t feel good.) hey, i respect HIS process.

    4. he’s probably right. if everything was aligning, i’d accept an engagement ring from him right now.

    5. he says he’s feeling a little used. (oh! that was my fear right there! i remember expressing that a long time ago when i first started circular dating!)

    i’m wondering what to do.

    i feel instinctively that i don’t want a husband who talks so much, shares the kinds of stories he tells, is always watching me to see if he can trust me, etc.!

    i don’t think he’s the one.

    should i just tell him that?

    it seems like the kindest thing to do.

    any thoughts out there?

  168.  #168mary on June 12, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    but something in me is not sure yet.

    i mean, i was able to be fine in my marriages, and they were not perfect. (obviously)

    maybe he could be the one? and i’m just not seeing it?

    i feel confused.

  169.  #169Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Ankita – no dating married men! Not texting, emailing, talking on the phone, or anything that looks like a date. Rori says it’s a RULE! Remember?

    I’m not a huge stickler for rules – I generally bend a few before I figure out they work and I should stick with them, but I would strongly recommend you not bend this one. This guy is blaring CAUTION! TROUBLE1 WARNING! at me in big red lights! No! NO, no no! Don’t meet him! At the very most, tell him if he ends up getting divorced and can show you the paperwork, then you might talk. But please, please, please, don’t go out with him. If there is something you need to learn from him, ask your higher power to give you another way to learn it, but please don’t go out with him!

    Sorry – that was boy energy. I feel pretty strongly about it.

  170.  #170Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:17 pm


    Has thing guy actually stepped up and asked you to marry him?!

  171.  #171Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    I meant “this” guy!

  172.  #172mary on June 12, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    hey Sweetpea,

    i like how you said that so strongly.

    i agree.

    it’s not really about being the other woman. or hurting the wife.

    it’s about feeling good about yourself and about who you’re dating, and wanting to show him off to the world and be proud of him.

    it’s about being above the raised eyebrows and questions…

    it’s about knowing you’re worth being the only woman in his life.

  173.  #173Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Uh oh. I just got an email from a guy I’m actually attracted to. SHIT!

    So I sent him a very feminine, feeling and confident response . I even used the word “relationship” in it. My first email! That’s the red flag word! And now he wants to talk on the phone.

    DAMN! Damn, damn!

    Sitting on this one until I know what to do. I thought it was just like a week ago that I was meeting SR and thinking I wasn’t ready to meet one I was attracted to. And now another one? Mother of God! I’m feeling nervous! I feel fickle – like I’m back in high school. Holy moley! Really? Another one? I’m not even done with the last one I was attracted to yet. I didn’t think… ??

    Pisser! I guess I’ll just sit here with these emotions until I feel comfortable responding.

  174.  #174Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Yes, Mary. That’s a pretty huge trigger for me. I had an ex-fiance who I split with for infidelity and he wasn’t divorced when I met him. I guess it’s a pretty big trigger for me. I still feel guilty to this day for having dated him and feel anger at myself for thinking he would treat me any differently than he had his ex-wife. Blech!!!!!

  175.  #175mary on June 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm


    That great.

  176.  #176Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Mary – I guess I’m still working on letting that one go. More the anger at myself than anything. Dumbass is something that I call myself very easily when I think about it. She treated him very badly – was emotionally abusive – and I know that for sure because we had lots of mutual friends who told me. It was a situation he needed to get out of, but I still regret having gone there.

    Hmm… more growth to be done I guess…. It’s all coming so fast now! I guess that’s a good thing.

  177.  #177Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Mary!… what’s great?

    And are you going to answer my question about Man in the Woods?! Is he stepping up?

  178.  #178mary on June 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    i know what my deal is!

    i’m waiting for old flame.

    he’s divorcing now, so it’s only a matter of time. i kinda wanted to be dating when he hit the scene, so i wouldn’t get too attached to the outcome, but the guys i’m dating now are getting too attached to me to wait! even Island Man is coming my way (in his own way…)

    i think i created this problem by starting to date too soon.

    if you look at it that way, i’m just keeping the other guys around in order to manage down my feelings towards old flame.

    but i’m also wondering if old flame is really for me?

    he’s the kind of guy who makes quick decisions. if he chooses me, won’t i want to know if Yes, he’s the one?

    will dating other guys give me that information? maybe so.

    i mean, so far, so good…

    and Island Man is gonna have some s’plainin’ to do! cuz he’s still not here. old flame would never promise and not deliver.

    Snow Birds are flying around though… i just heard them! my camera is ready.

    I’M READY.

    i’m ready for Island Man. but starting to just get curious now. what will he do? how will he handle this? i can’t wait to see… !!!

    everything is fine, just the way it is right now.

    oh, thank you sirens. for someone to tell about what i’m going through here. i’m learning from you! from your stories, from your reactions and from your interactions with others.

    thank you!

  179.  #179Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Oh… and the Attracted2 guy (that’s what I’ll call him). I told him that his not wanting kids could be a problem if we were in a relationship…. RELATIONSHIP – KIDS – same sentence…. really? He still wants to talk?!?!

    He says, it’s not that he doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t HAVE kids. But if I do that’s great and if I don’t and we get involved, we can adopt! AHH!

    I love my anxiety. I love my fear.

    HOW did he not run screaming in the other direction on that one!?


  180.  #180Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Wow! I feel excited! And happy! And terrified out of my mind!

    But really, mostly excited. Except I feel skeptical that he didn’t run! Is he just a player? And if he is a player, do I really mind playing with him? He’s really cute! Oh geez! I don’t even know that! I haven’t even met him. Holy, holy trigger! Yeah. Holy Trigger!

  181.  #181Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Mary – I’m starting to feel anger toward Island Man! And you still haven’t answered my dang question about Man in the Woods…

    Ok. I’ll be patient. I feel patient. Wow! That’s odd! lol

  182.  #182Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 12:45 pm


    That RULE had gone outta my mind for a while.. Thank you so much for reminding it back to me…

    After all when we know some RULES DO WORK, we better not bend them and end up getting hurt…. Aaahh, am not gonna bend this one…

  183.  #183Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm


    I really like when you say, “it’s about feeling good about yourself and about who you’re dating, and wanting to show him off to the world and be proud of him.

    it’s about being above the raised eyebrows and questions…

    it’s about knowing you’re worth being the only woman in his life.”

    If I ever get into him, I know I will be ashamed of myself, and the world, and this guy isn’t gonna bring me any honour, only disrespect, ugghh, don’t want that.

    I am truly worth being the only girl in his life. i can’t compromise on my man or share him. Bye MarriedMan27…. I don’t wanna waste my time on you….

  184.  #184Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Yay Ankita! I feel happy that you worked through that. Are you going to tell him to “bug off” (in feeling messages of course) or just ignore him and let him drift away?

  185.  #185Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm


    I want to to tell him to “bug off” (in feeling messages of course) , but am afraid as coming across as rude or abrasive, and ignoring I don’t think will help much…

    I don’t know what to say to him in feeling messages, can you help with that?

  186.  #186mary on June 12, 2010 at 1:18 pm


    No. Man in the Woods has not asked me to marry him. he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me. he wants to feel me coming his direction, but i’m holding back a little from everyone, just dating. just dating. just going out! just seeing what’s up.

    he’s not like that. he jumps into relationship right away. and he doesn’t want to date anyone else. he says he’s been doing that all his life. he knows what he wants when he sees it!

    i asked, well… what happened in all those other relationships, if you knew what you wanted when you saw it? did that change, or did the women change?

    he said, well… they just didn’t work out.

    and i said, well, i’m trying to circumvent that process. you know, not spend quite so much time on it. hold onto my heart for a while, steady myself and gather information… try to see myself in different scenarios with different people…

  187.  #187mary on June 12, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    and by the way…

    Island Man just called.

    he doesn’t have a cell phone. he came over on the ferry and went to a tool store (lots of traffic because of the Snowbirds), then went to the pool to use the sauna! (instead of coming right away to see me?), then got out of the pool and went over to where the coin phone was, and they had ripped it out, so he had to fight traffic over to the mall to call me.

    i was sweet on the phone.

    and it’s really okay.

    but i’m beginning to see patterns here. he’s intelligent! yes. he’s handsome! yes.

    but maybe i’ll wait for Old Flame. see what happens there… i’ll be a month out of town waiting for my daughter’s baby anyway.

    i’ve done quite a bit of research these last few months.

    and maybe now i can get Island Man out of my system.

    hope so!

  188.  #188Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Ankita – How long of a message do you want to send? I’m kidding.

    I would tell him pretty much what Mary says that you like… ” It would feel bad to meet you. I want to feel good about myself and who I date, to be proud of him. I want to know that I am the only girl in his life. I don’t want to be involved with someone who would disrespect and dishonor his wife.”

    What do you think?

  189.  #189Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 1:28 pm


    I am glad i am changed now, else if I had met him 1 year before, i would have written him a whole essay of why i don’t want to be with him, and still would have ended up with him. Hehe.. 😀

    I like your feeling message, but I feel a bit hesitant about using this line, “I don’t want to be involved with someone who would disrespect and dishonor his wife.”, I feel like, am judging and attacking him if I say this.. I want to change it to, “I don’t want to be involved with someone who has already someone else in his life.”

    How does it sound???

  190.  #190Daria on June 12, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Ankita – I would say.

    I did not realize you were married when I first gave you my number. I am not interested in dating a married man – that feels like a big turn off. I do not want to be contacted again.

  191.  #191Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Ankita – I think you are right. I like Daria’s message better. Short, to the point and more accurate.

  192.  #192Daria on June 12, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Mary –

    wassup with all this thinking, I feel like im lurching sideways on a roller coaster car, ohhh we nearly dived off for Island Man who was busy saunaing (but it’s “OK”???? no it’s not ok, Daria feels pist)

    now we’re lurching to the side diving to the side for Old Flame – thinking about him what he may want blah blah when he’s not even here, geez we’d have to throw ourselves off the bridge to even get to a not here man

    not to mention the sideswings earlier with woodsman – I thought he said he’s not going to deal with it, what happened did he come back (of course)

    Ack It woudl feel so much better to have a WIDE AND STEADY BRIDGE HERE

    what am I doing on Mary’s bridge? Hmmm I feel transported there reading Mary’s posts

    I feel guilty

    I am supposed to be but a shadow here, this is not my bridge, but gosh I feel nauseaous with all this dangerous feeling lurching to me

    on my bridge, I hardly remember the men’s NAMES let alone ponder them

    my bridge problems are – few in person romantic dates… I have a thing for FANCY Dates and I’d like more of those

    I DID have a date in a car with a man last nite (oh yeah i just remembered his name haha but not at first)….

    It felt ok, I made out with him and had to enforce my sexual boundary… I felt a lil bored that he kept wanting to fool around…

    then at the end he felt mad!!

    how do i know?

    cuz he looked a little off, and I was feeling pretty good, cuz i liked him, so I said, ohhh are you mad? it feels like something’s wrong…

    and he said

    well yeah i am mad, I’m not going to lie

    so i said


    I felt weird… but he didnt blame me or say anything rude, so that felt good… I didn’t feel scared which was nice

    I feel disappointed

    I feel nauseaus now again whoa!


  193.  #193Ankita on June 12, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Sweetpea and Daria

    I have copied and saved these feelings messages in my cell and will use them as per needed. Thanks guys for helping me with feeling messages once again…!!

    I gotta go now to sleep. It’s 2 AM here. Good night everybody..!!

  194.  #194Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Good night Ankita! Sweet dreams!

  195.  #195Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Daria –

    Whoa! Get off Mary’s bridge!

    Very good visual. I’m feeling curious about what happened with you though?

    Did you just end the date there? With his feeling angry and – poof! That’s it?

  196.  #196Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Sweetpea – I feel triggered by “get off mary’s bridge”

    I feel like uhoh! I was “asking for it.” “It’s about time someone called me out” etc

    I feel shamed and defensive and embarassed

    I love my shame and defensiveness

    Yes, the date ended at that point as I got out his car and went to mines

  197.  #197Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Daria –

    lol! No need to feel shamed, defensive or embarrassed. We all love you on here because you jump on our bridges – walk in our shoes and therefore give us great insight into what we could do differently.


    I feel interested to know what happens with this guy now. I feel daring just reading your posts! Yay Daria! Encourage us all to revel in our Siren-ness!!

  198.  #198Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Daria, you can come onto my bridge . . . if you dare! muahahahaaaa!!

    I am standing with my delicate hands on the railing of my wide stone bridge, watching the river of men flow by . . . One dude is hanging by his fingernails on the underside of my bridge, with his legs being pulled by the current….poor guy, can’t make up his mind. I’m not gonna help him. I just look at him from time to time, roll my eyes, shake my head, and smile.

  199.  #199Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    I am strolling on Lucy’s bridge… way ahead of Lucy, Lucy is busy staring off the rail…

    what is Lucy’s forever after? I feel off that Lucy is not attracted to her forever after and stares off the bridge sides…

    Lucy’s forever after feels still unclear… I can see some sun and stuff but it’s hazy like it’s not well formed

    It would feel reassuring to define some stuff in there –

    like the ocean of love from heart connection toolkit

    or the imagine a whole day in your ideal relationship (gently and repeatedly turning thoughts away from the “not so ideal” relationship that will jump in and trigger)

    and pikc out 3 scenes with a picture/symbol to define them

  200.  #200Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    “Do you have an inner critical taskmaster who keeps telling you what to do? Do you have another inner part that resists being told what to do? Do you get stuck in procrastination due to this inner power struggle? Do you find you automatically resist doing whatever someone else wants you to do? Today, notice your resistance and where it is coming from – within or without.”

    Says Inner Bonding

    haha I feel resistance to this… LIKE I DONT WANT TO NOTICE


  201.  #201Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Daria – Dang! If you see that off Lucy’s bridge, don’t venture on to mine. Kidding. I would actually love for you to come on my bridge. I have a feeling it would feel like one of those old rope bridges over a fast moving river! lol!

    I am feeling froggy today!

    I like your last post – what’s Inner Bonding. And I feel envious of your knowledge of Rori’s tools. I haven’t been able to find a job since I found Rori – so I’ve only been able to afford the e-book! Harumph!

    Seriously – could you explain the 3 pictures and Ocean of Love?

  202.  #202Sweetpea on June 12, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Geez – I have triggers popping up all over the place! I say once again – Holy Trigger!

    I’ve been chatting with this CD on site. He seems really nice and perfect for my sister! But… I’m the one CDing here, and it’s been awesome! I’ve been using feeling messages with him and learning from him and it seemed pretty shut down and not really open to a relationship and now Boom!!! After these intense feeling messages the last couple of days, he’s suddenly sounding like he’s looking for a relationship.

    I used a run on sentence purposely up there because that is how I’m feeling. My head is spinning. I’m feeling hesitant now and locked up. I don’t know what to say to him!


  203.  #203Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    yeah, explain the stuff please daria.

    My bridge isn’t very long, so I can’t just keep walking or I’ll get to the end and nothing will be there. So I have to stop along the way and enjoy watching the water. Watching water has always been one of my favorite things to do.

  204.  #204Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Yes –

    Picture a day in your imaginary relationship, from the beginning… where do you wake up? is he in bed with you, looking at you as your eyes open? is he already out of bed? do you live in separate places? what is YOUR ideal?

    then go through an entire day, imagining ONLY good things, of your IDEAL relationshp

    the thing is, as soon as you start doing this, thoughts of your not so ideal relationship, or a man who broke your heart, are going to start popping up – a great skill to practice is continually and gently turning our attention back on the positive

    so if you notice that happening just gently without beating yourself up, turn your attention back to your ideal relationship, until it plays out to the end of that day

    now pick 3 specific images or symbols from that day

    it might be, him standing there in his boxer shorts with a big smile on his face

    or him grabbing you and kissing you passionately against the wall as soon as he walks in the door with a suit on

    the important thing is to get the “feeling” of that moment… and a symbol

    for example, for the boxer shorts example – you might thinkg “boxer shorts” as your symbol

    now use your 3 symbols as a way throughout the day to redirect your attention – just a few seconds is enough – to the feel good feeling of being in your ideal relationship

  205.  #205Maria on June 12, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Hi Ankita. I read your story about this married guy. I dated recently Indian man, who l thought was the love of my life, and he said l was his. (lm not indian, but l look a bit similar). we had a story for 4 years (a bit on and off). Between those 4 years, we had one year appart, in which he got married. Then we got back together, and eventually he explained, that he is in VERY bad arranged marriage trap, he does not love his wife at all, not attracted to her, and they hardly communicate at all and all those “fairytales”.
    I ignored the No Married Man trap big time, cos love is blind, and belived him. but when he broke up with me now, explaining it with “family issues” l did some investigation.

    Turned out – he knew his wife already 4 years ago, when we started dating, it was not of forced arranged marriage, and there was whole different story behind it.
    I belived the same nice words (they are very good at it) and all sorts of lies a la – lm not in love with his wife and yada yada yada. But it is an illusional game and l strongly recommend to stick with your guns of “no married man.” Even if he is open about it nd tells “honestly” that he does not love his wife and she is busy…” maybe she is busy with baby?

  206.  #206Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Lucy – since nothing will be there, please… define whats there!

    this is a bridge to YOUR IDEAL HAPPY FOREVER AFTER

    not a bridge to nothing

    that is key!! the only reason we’re even on the bridge

    its a bridge from NOW to our IDEAL VISION

    that is SOOO IMPORTANT! babysteps to creating that vision


    as women we create the vision!!

    the men jump on the bridge with us and take us to OUR VISION!

    they cannot vision it themselves, because we are the ones in charge of the vision

    its a great gift to ourselves, men and the world that we are in charge of

  207.  #207Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Oh yeah, I tried that one. It didn’t work for me, cuz I don’t have any agenda for my ideal relationship. I just want to be surprised.

  208.  #208mary on June 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm


    i don’t feel like you’re on my bridge, daria! aren’t you offering your objective viewpoint? which i very much need? and which i really appreciate?

    it’s just called being involved with other people. if you stay with just you all the time, there are no interactions. you just become a monologue of expressions of feelings.

    but back to Island Man!

    i thought this was hilarious, and i laughed out loud when i read it:

    “we nearly dived off for Island Man who was busy saunaing…”

    oh, this whole thing just cracks me up! because Island Man is strangely like my first husband, who used to get sidetracked with things like this all the time. in fact, i thought it was so amusing that i called my cousin, who’s like my sister, to tell her the story. she gasped and said, “that sounds like T!” and we both laughed.

    maybe i can be OVER Island Man now.

    and yes, Woods man said he was outta there, but still wants to spend time with me, so we’re gonna BBQ tonight! and build a fire…

    can you come on my bridge and give me any pointers for dealing with him? i’m not sure what to say, as he’s really into me, and i’m only sorta into him.

    surely this happens with circular dating all the time?

  209.  #209Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Lucy – maybe your forever after can include watching water with your man, or alone as he does heroic things for you, there can be water there to watch!

  210.  #210Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    My ideal relationship could be so many different things. I used to function like that — visions, agendas, etc. — but not anymore. It could be SO many different things! Why limit myself? That feels yucky!

  211.  #211Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Lucy – I feel unheard and frustrated.

    a vision is not an agenda. its a vision, it can morph change, but it MUST BE CREATED BY YOU because it’s beign created by you ANYWAY unconsciously– so make it GOOD! consciously

    I TOO want to be surprised… that is part of my forever after

    in fact I very much remember receiving a Rori program and resisting the idea of visioning — no /I don’t want to imagine what it would feel like, I jut want it to ahppen and then see

    then I babystepped to visioning maybe a bit, maybe more, and got thru some big triggers of not thinking i could ever have what i want (married me? it did not feel possible)

    there ARE feelings you desire in a relationship. acknowledge them.

    otherwise you will be on a bridge to ‘nowhere,’ which feels awfully sad,

    and any man worth his salt will not take you to ‘nowhere’ because it’s not a good place for YOU to be

    we vision, they lead

  212.  #212Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    it’s not about limiting, its about getting a FEELING there

    a feeling of FEELING GOOD

    it’s not like you can say – WHY LIMIT MYSELF TO FEELING GOOD??

    id like to feel bad awful, horrible, abused in my ideal relationship?
    i don’t think so

    the pictures may not look the same, but the feelings of it is waht we’re aiming for, and teh more we can get into that feel good space of it, the more we get closer to it, and the more men FEEL SAFE to lead us to this wonderful feeling place we women create

  213.  #213mary on June 12, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    oh, i feel relieved of the burden of Island Man.

    waving goodbye…

    so long…


  214.  #214mary on June 12, 2010 at 2:53 pm


    keep going, daria…

  215.  #215mary on June 12, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    i like it that a man won’t take me to nowhere! so all i need to do is envision somewhere.

  216.  #216Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Yeah, but the thing I have a problem with is imagining specific details — I used to do that all the time when I was younger — it doesn’t feel good to do that now because there are so many different possible details that would feel good in a relationship — when I did that many years ago it worked for me because I had a narrower view of what could make me happy. Now I have a more open view…. I could be happy in so many different scenarios– the details don’t matter.

    But if it’s the FEELINGS we’re going for, sure —

    My happy ever after is fun, exciting, interesting, secure, loving, happy, growing, intimate, adventurous, etc etc

  217.  #217Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I’m not trying to be difficult.

  218.  #218Daria on June 12, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Mary – yes, it does happen. heck i ‘lost’ my 21 year old that i fell in love with becuase he “didn’t want to share me” yet he didnt have the financial stuff to marry me now … or even a car… sooo

    I bet he’ll be back with a car

    he also called me names, and I felt a little unsafe emotionally with his anger… which he said he’s only feeling so strongly because he’s so INTO me, which is cool

    i told him i don’t want only passion but also safety and kindness – he said he understood



    i love him


    yeah well – the thing I would do is just OPEN HEART and continue sharing my boundary about dating…

    its possible that he can’t handle it, and will go away, and then come back much later, like a few weeks or months

    remember its good for him too (poor guy kept jumping into relationships that were breaking up thinking its the thing to do)

    ohhh and talk to him, but DON’t EXPLAIN OR DEFEND…

    this is just WHAT YOU WANT – getting into mental discussions about the benefits is Rori unrecommended and I’ve done it enough to devote myself to practice NOT doing it, because it sucked and pushed men away

    sharing feelings about it, and listening to what he thinks (though your thoughts might not agree) is the way to go here

  219.  #219Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    The Bachelorette

    I feel like all the guys should offer her a rose and then let her accept the ones she wants and say no to the two or three she doesnt.. That’s how men would court the maidens.. back in the day.. I need to write the porducers.. lol! 🙂 Plus she is the female.. She needs to be recieving the flowers!!

  220.  #220mary on June 12, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    oh, i know what you mean, Lucy!

    i have a hard time with the details, too.

    someone told me last week to just envision the man EXACTLY HOW HE IS AND WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE, and i tried to do that but i got stuck with my first decision, what color eyes? you know what? i don’t care.

    any color eyes is fine with me.

  221.  #221Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Lucy – all the things can be part of it… it’s not a logical thing

    can you imagine a day in (one of) your ideal relationship? the DETAILS are what we’re going for, to create that symbol (which has the feeling with it) –

    turn your thoughts gently and consistently away from it not feeling good (like a parent holding a child’s hand)

    I can imagine different types of days, with different looking men, etc

    it’s aLL ok!

    it doesn’t have to be a seamless, logical picture,


    I have a man that flies with me to the sun!

    And I have a man who smiles with boxer shorts

    (stole it from rori – never saw it coming totally stuck)

    I have guywhohadababy passionately kissing me against the wall


    I have a smooth skinned guy cooking for me!

  222.  #222mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    thanks Daria,

    i’m seeing Man in the Woods tonight. so i’ll just listen and share feelings and stick to my guns.

    it’s okay to be taking it slow and just feeling what it’s like to be with him. and to feel what it’s like to be with other guys, too.

    maybe i’ll share a few feelings with Island Man, if i talk to him again. although that feels scary. i always overanalyze everything i say to him. i love his intelligence. we could go zooming off to another world in our conversations, if we had enough time…

  223.  #223Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    DON:T FEAR!!!

    just because you imagine it one way, doesn’t make it FIXED AND STUCK that way — thats one of the bad feeling thoughts that we gently turn away from, back to GOOD feeling ones

    Just 3 details is plenty !!

  224.  #224mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    mmmmm… i love smooth skin…

  225.  #225Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Right, Mary. When I tried to do that, I actually remember feeling BORED.

    Like, when I was little I played with paperdolls– designed my own — and dollhouse dolls, and I made up everything exactly like I wanted it to go — I set the vision, and then made it happen, and it was fun….

    But it was also lonely . . . it was just me creating and controlling what would happen . . . no unknowns, no surprises, no other human adding their own creativity and dreams and interacting with me to co-vision and co-create . . .

    I don’t want to play dolls. I want a real, live, unpredictable co-visionary companion.


    Daria, if you feel frustrated with me, then you know how my mother felt when she called me the girl with the curl.

  226.  #226mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    here’s what Mimi Tanner says:

    Men don’t expect you to marry them just because
    you date them, so don’t worry. Go out and have a
    good time, even if you already know he is not
    “the one.”

  227.  #227Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    I caught a glimpse of yours and Sienna’s post.. I agree with Sienna.. on short notice. I use feelings.. I say … I feel rushed. Next weekend or next week would feel better for me.. (Or sometimes I’ll pick a day.. cause I dont like to go out on mondays.) I’ll say.. wed or thursday would feel better or great..

    I had a guy wanting to me today before I have a concert I’m going too but, I was like.. That would feel rushed to me.. (really I like to take me time getting ready) I could have squeezed him in.. but, I didn’t want too. I wanted to sleep in, work out, get ready, have fun!

    And I have not ever met him, I know Rori says be open to the guys that are into you.. But he has called me 5 times a day since I gave him my number a few days ago and I’m soooooo turned off.. If he text. I’ll reply then he will just call.. but, if I’m watching a show or with friends I wont answer. Then he text right back to let me know he just called.. I feel wierd… I do want an availble guy but, I feel clausterphobic with him.. And I havent even met him.. Just back off on calling every hour dude. Geeesh!

  228.  #228Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Lucy – feeling frustrated doesn’t feel good.

    Great!! you want to covision- that is something to use for happily ever after

    I most certainly want that – I have a great picture of a sunset and my standing on the hills with a man holding my hand, and we are close to ahuge sun… and we are going to move on together in our happily ever after

    that is part of it!

    so vision Covisioning!

  229.  #229mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    hello Girl with the Curl,

    i love that!

    i’m gonna start envisioning.

    have you read Psycho Cybernetics? i read it when i was about 15. i’m reading it again…

  230.  #230Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    I too feel “bored” imagining the day of my ideal relationship – to direct my mind away from not good feelings and resistance to visioning… i only get spurts… luckily that is enough

    I must admit I haven’t really played it out to the end, I only have my little bits, of morning boxer shorts, cooking , and kissing passionately hehe

  231.  #231Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Daria.. Well written on #202

  232.  #232mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    oh, i feel so relieved about Island Man! who sets up a date and then goes for a sauna instead!


    i’m still laughing.

    i mean, it doesn’t even hurt.


    TRUE COLORS… i’m finally seeing them…

    so glad i’m not “in a relationship” with him!

    i’m meeting someone new tomorrow! that’s great… okay, back to Rori’s programs.

    thanks Rori.
    thanks Daria.

  233.  #233mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:14 pm


    let me tell you this story…

    when i was divorced the first time, i took this job at a bakery because they were building one in my area, and i thought i’d surely be the manager by the time it was built.

    while i was working there, a good friend came in with his wife and another friend.

    this man was my mentor.

    and he spread out some papers and was talking and talking, at the table by the fire, and suddenly his glasses slid down on his nose.

    and i burst into tears and had to go into the back room to compose myself.

    i said a prayer then: “God please give me a man with glasses sliding down on his nose, making plans on a table by the fire.”

    and years later, my fiancee and i were taking a premarital course, and he said, “have you finished your homework?” and i said, “not quite,” so we popped into the nearest bakery… just happened to be the one where i worked.

    and about thirty minutes later, his glasses slid down on his nose, and suddenly i was looking at it from an aerial view, and i saw the papers on the table by the fire…

  234.  #234Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Look I feel annoyed..

    Here’s the deal.. If a guy text me or ask me out and I had to change the date.. (my best friend got us tickets for the concert I was really wanting to see) I called the guy, he had asked me out less then 12hours prior. I said.. I got a suprise my friend it would feel so fun to go to the concert. I don’t want to miss it. It would also feel great to meet you and salsa.. I’m sorry about reschedule, I feel funny about it.. I hope we can reschedule..

    He responds and says.. How about today before the concert..

    I say I would feel rushed. Next week feel better or the next weekend would feel great too…

    He says how about tomorrow? And then he text me again to see if I got his text..

    I havent responded. I just want to say.. “I feel annoyed, please re-read your text. I already gave him the answer. No I do NOT want to go tomorrow.. I’ll feel tired. (Why do I have to repeat myself?) I already said next week or weekend.. Errrrrrrrrrgh!

  235.  #235mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    the thing that gets me about Man in the Woods is that he keeps saying that i’m happy to TAKE from him.

    i don’t view myself as a taker.

    i view myself as a giver.

    maybe i should just say that… ???

    and you know what? when he says it, i do just want to cry. maybe i’ll say THAT! hey, Lucy?

  236.  #236Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    “I have guywhohadababy passionately kissing me against the wall”

    OHHHH!!! I didn’t know I could do THAT kind of vision!!!!

    Okay, I have my hands caressing TN man’s sexy belly.

    I have my hands cupped around his naked butt cheeks as he holds me.

    I am kissing his gorgeous face and he is laughing and delighting in me.

    TN man and I are sitting in IMAX watching the new Shrek movie in 3D, holding hands and laughing our heads off.

    TN man and I are tickling each other, rolling all over the bed and onto the floor and laughing like crazy.

  237.  #237Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I feel impatient with him.. But, he’s is like a fly on sugar… I mean ten calls in two day is crazy! So now I’m not wanting to communicate at all. If I can’t pick up, if I’m in class he keeps calling every 30 minutes… Is this normal? I dont even want to meet him at all now…

  238.  #238mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:20 pm


    he does sound really interested!

    he’ll reschedule for next week.

  239.  #239Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Mary it sounds like he is complimenting you.. Flip it around his saying your are recieving… Or I would say, “”Yep, It feels good to recieve…. keep up the good work CHAMP!” haha.. You give I recieve… I wouldn’t have it any other way, after all we are dating..

  240.  #240Alicia on June 12, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Well.. He wont if I don’t respond.. I’m just needing a little distance.. (my issue in my face) but, I feel smothered… OR let me say this… A little game.. like play it cool.. I don’t know guys are the same way.. I want to feel like he has a life.. Not like I’m available every hour whenever… wherever.. it’s turning me off.. Oh well.. It will be fine!

  241.  #241mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    oh! i see it that way now.

    but it does go against everything i’ve ever stood for. but i understand with dating that the man needs to give. that’s the way he expresses love.

    when a man pays for me, i feel like he’s saying to the world:

    “she’s with ME. i’ll handle this. i’ll protect her. she’s with ME.”

    and i feel like, down the road, if i get sick, or if i’m unconscious in the hospital and crucial decisions need to be made, he’d say to the world:

    “she’s with ME. i’ll handle this. i’ll protect her. she’s with ME.”

  242.  #242Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    I just told this guy on pof (another guy, not the one sweetpea and i are sharing),

    “I feel intimidated around tall men.”

    He is 6’2″ and those are my true feelings.

  243.  #243mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    my ideal man:

    is full of light, and his face shines with a radiance that comes from within.

    he chooses his words carefully.

    he is constantly amused and raised-eyebrow and hint-of-a-smile when i speak.

    and there is tenderness in his voice when he says my name.

    he feels people. he gets people. but he’s not a people watcher. he’s not into physical beauty. he’s into inner beauty.

    like R, when he sees me, he sees my spirit.

    people are drawn to him and he considers them and responds to their needs. while making me feel always that i’m in first place.

    he has wise words for them.

    and he understands my motivations. my fear. and he sees my frailties. and he loves me anyway.

    he gently guides me in a way that enables me to become more me.

    he’s creative but he doesn’t need to produce a piece of art for others to admire.

    his actions match his words and he believes in forever.

    and this is from my profile:


    We’re drawn together, we’re easy together and people love to see us together, but “there is space in our togetherness. And the winds of the heavens dance between us…”

  244.  #244mary on June 12, 2010 at 3:42 pm



    i feel disappointed about Island Man.

    it’s not okay that he chose going to the sauna and to get tools over being with me.

    did i scare him off by saying “come early?”


    and that’s okay. i made a mistake, and it’s okay.

    the reminder of my ex-husband gave me a different vantage point for Island Man, and that was what amused me so! it made me feel powerful and okay without him. and good about myself being alone again.

    and more detached.

    i’m trying for more detachment, and this helped!

    thank you, sauna. for replacing me today!

    thank you.

  245.  #245Rori Raye on June 12, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Casey – Welcome, and I hear you totally – and know this – you are being TRIGGERED. You have some huge, old, unresolved “stuff” inside – and it just gets triggered by him (likely by any man who loves you…) – the answer is working with it. I’m going to use this as a post and jump off now – look for it…Love, Rori

  246.  #246Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Mary – I would say, in a way IT IS ok, because well… he can do what he does

    If I (Mary-Daria) were not investing effort into him and waiting for him, this would be a non-trigger and not come up

    I Mary-Daria would want to next time say…

    ohhh it would feel so lovely to see you… and I don’t feel good committing to plans without a set time… what do you think?

    and I will go see the snow birds when I don’t have a planned time

    I wonder what Mary-Mary will / woudl do?

  247.  #247Daria on June 12, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    BTW – Rori does NOT have exercises about ideal man. Only about IDEAL relationship and what does that feel like.

  248.  #248Rori Raye on June 12, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Alicia – THANK YOU so much for posting these links to me on youtube! I didn’t even know they were up! I would so love it and be grateful if you all went over there and made mad comments for us all to participate with! Wouldn’t it be a kick if they caught on? It would also be another place that might be well-traveled if you have your own site or blog and want to link back to it like you do here…also – feel free to do the same on facebook (friend me, make comments on my wall with links to your blogs…happy to support you any way I can…) – I’ll put these links up as posts, too…Love, Rori

  249.  #249mary on June 12, 2010 at 4:03 pm


    i see what you mean.

    thanks, daria.

  250.  #250mary on June 12, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Home in the Woods guy is saying, “you’re the one for me. i want you. and only you.”

    and if it took putting a ring on my finger, i’m sure he would.

    i’m just not there yet. i need to see Old Flame first. i owe it to myself to see Old Flame first. i’ve wished for him for over thirty years. i’m not getting married when an opportunity to be with him is just around the corner.

    do i tell that to Man in the Woods?

  251.  #251Daria on June 12, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    I feel sad –

    I am practicing with a feeling of doom. I love my feeling of doom… and that feels like… when i was little and did something wrong and knew i was going to get a beating… and nothing i could do or did would prevent it… not even telling the truth… and it felt horrible and terrifying… and i feel angry… and i love my feeling

    which feels like a numb sinking face like pressure on my cheekbones

    like tingling down my neck and shoulders

    and clutching in my stomach

    i love my clutching in my stomack

    i love my pressing down on my cheekbones

    and taht feels like

    pressure on my chest and a feeling of boredom and of Do something else

    and a squeezing in my left thigh

    i love teh squeezing in my left thigh

    i love my feeling of boredom

    i love the pressure on my chest

    and that feels like

    squeezing in my right my gallbladder

    and pressure and heat above my lip

    and i love the pressure and heat above my lip

    and teh squeezing in my gallbladder

    and that feels like

    a bigger breath

    and sadness tiny filling of my eyes
    and i love the tiny filling of my eyes
    nd my bigger breath

    and that feels like

    more pressure on my upper lip and teeth

    and i love the pressure on my upper lip and teeth

    and that feels like

    tingling on my bootyhole

    and i love the tingling on my bootyhole

    and theat feels like

    fear and squeezing and cringy embarassment in my tummy and eyes

    and side of shoulders

    and i love my cringy embarassment in my solar plexus and side of shoulders and eyes

    and taht feels like

    more pressure on the right side of my top teeth

    and i love the pressure on the right side of my top teeth

    andthat feels like

    squeezing on my right inner hip

    and i love the squeezing on my right inner hip

    and taht feels like
    tingly eyes

    and i love my tingly eyes

    and taht feels like

    pressure on the right side of my head and jaw

    and i love the pressure on my left side of my head and jaw

    and that feels like

    and i love my swallowing

    and that feels like
    heat in my tailbone and squeeing in my throat

    and i love the heat in my tailbone and teh squeezing in my throat

    and that feels like squeezies pulsing in my right ear

    and i love the squeezy pulsies in my right ear

    and that feels like

    hotness on my uper lip

    and i love the hotness on my upper lip

    and that feels like

    squeezing in my inner nose

    and i love the squeezing in my inner nose

    and that feels like

    a half yawn and tingly eyes

    and i love my half yawn and tingly eyes

    and taht feels like

    squeezy in my solar plexus and my hand and my kidney on the left and tingliness on my tailbone

    and i love the tingliness on my tailbones and tahte squeezing on my kidney on the left and and on my right hand and my solar plexus

  252.  #252Rori Raye on June 12, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Daria – thank you for this insight on “visioning” – and yes – I resist all kinds of things, too – and that’s how I know I’m getting triggered and getting close to something amazing! Love, Rori

  253.  #253Daria on June 12, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Mary – well he hasn’t exactly come with that ring yet… so why worry about it now?

    have you told him that you’re looking for marriage – i think you have


  254.  #254mary on June 12, 2010 at 4:17 pm


    i just can’t see marrying him. i don’t think. i can’t even put my finger on why.

    i just don’t think he’s the one.

    i think that i don’t have enough respect for him.

  255.  #255mary on June 12, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    but i don’t want to lose him now and then wish for him later!

    but not fair to just keep him around, just in case…

    but he’s a big guy. he can handle himself. do i need to handle everything, including HIS feelings?

    but it feels terrible not to care about his feelings. and to just work around my feelings.

  256.  #256Daria on June 12, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Dammit – I resist doing my own marketing. I’m probably a wonderful marketer hehe.

    However, I’ve been blessed to hire my best friend to help me with writing a cover letter for now.

    So maybe it’s there for a reason.

    I feel icky today

    My overall feeling is hot… it’s too hot here.

    Another feeling is disappointment. A lot of men said they were gonna call today and not many have, one who did didn’t leave a message

    I feel sad

    I got another overdraft fee from freakin depositing my money too late

    I gotta make a payment to my health insurance today that I don’t know how I’m gonna pay

    I got to pay over 400$ on my consolidated bills in less than 2 weeks

    I don’t know where the money is coming from

    I have this THING that is bugging me that I am practicing ignoring and turning my thoughts to good things, and I? feel frustrated that it feels like my stomach drops when i DO think of it.


    I feel icky

    I want to EFT that thing but I feel disappointed in my EFT results and I feel very low energy

    Wah wah

    I don’t want to DO anything

    Someone rescue me

    who wants to rescue a person who doesn’t take care of themselves


  257.  #257Daria on June 12, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I would feel weird and icky if a guy told me I was TAKING from him… yuck…

    Mary would you like to care about my feelings? Im accepting monetary donations from people who feel bad for me… or even good for me

    ohhh I feel guilty and gross writing that!

  258.  #258Daria on June 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    But thats what I WANT!

    I WANT peopel to GIVE me MONEY


    so why do i feel gross and guilty?


    sigh whoa hi sigh… where are you coming from


    ok i hear you

    gonna eat

  259.  #259mary on June 12, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    yes, i’m calling it a day thinking about this stuff…

  260.  #260Daria on June 12, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    what if i had a donate button and everytime somone talked to me they were able to donate a dollar


    that would rock


    im gonna have my girl help me apply to too (if she wants to)



    what would i do in life if i coudl do what i want?

    i would life coach ghetto people to have us be free

    but in order to do that i have to be free myself right?

    that woudl be nice

    i mean theres relationship coaches who arent in a relationship, and i feel a little mistrustful of that


    and i would be a FAMOUS celebrity person in the beautiful ghetto people world

    and i would ummmm

    do magic rituals and emotional healing

    for people

    llike pooof ok ur cured

    ohh thank you daria tahnk you!!

    omg im really free

    i can feel it

    i can TEST it and it holds

    I WAN TTO TEST IT A?ND it holds

    and then?


  261.  #261Daria on June 12, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I felt really inspired by Mama Gena’s stuff – but I feel mistrustful and weird… that she got a divorce after talking about how wonderful it was to be married AND that she as far as i’ve seen hasn’t really addressed her divorce

    most of her stuff is about Women Pleasure, so not exactly Relationship,

    i felt mistrustful tho

    too bad MamaGena didn’t get all into Rori

    i think she masculine energy got her husband = from how she describes it, she asked him out, and told him they’re getting married

    i was like whoa that waorked?

    but i guess it didnt work in the long run

    i feel weird



    when i move feelings i make this HUGGh and sometimes giggle soudn

  262.  #262Daria on June 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    I would also tell stories to people… and make pictures

    right now I make post it note art… on yellow post its

    i draw

    i noticed ! haha! i DO DO art


    the romanian girl danced in the rain (yah tina)

    she danced for the green grass stomp stomp for the shy snaill yum yum

    for the pretty ants

    stomp on ants and it rains

    rain into wet socks or feet

    lifee feels goodand safe

    with the bugs

    feel sad now

    feel crying

    not so much crying lately

    not drinking so much water





    they want to hurt her cuz thats the rules

    they dont care they just put all on trains to auschwitz

    follow the rules and get on the train

    very organized

    they dont give a fuck

    they will lock u up

    can you do magic from in jail

    sometimes i feel real powerful
    and sometimes i feel like a cardboard rock

    how can i be everything and nothing


    eating the world requires strong digestion

    please stretch me and rub me

    im sorry body

    i feel too lazy to stretch you and rub you

    i feel sad
    me too

    where are we

    we are living life

  263.  #263dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    if i were on the bachelorette the first thing i would do is send all the effeminate ones home.

  264.  #264dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    ally likes em though..

  265.  #265Jeannette on June 12, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    I am sitting here all alone and it’s Saturday eve. OUCH!!! I have found a childhood sweet heart and we have been talking. I also have been seeing a guy for the last two month and lately I am blowing him off some and I think he knows it. I just don’t know which of these 2 men I prefer. I’ll probably lose both of them if I don’t make some decision here. But,,, I know I am supposed to circular date. NO MAN that cares about a woman wants to hear that!! And that’s a fact!! So I am not telling them about ea other at the moment. Let’s see how long this goes on for!!!

  266.  #266Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    So Daria, am I doing this right? #236 ??

    “there ARE feelings you desire in a relationship. acknowledge them….. now pick 3 specific images or symbols from that day… use your 3 symbols as a way throughout the day to redirect your attention – just a few seconds is enough – to the feel good feeling of being in your ideal relationship”


    1. his sexy belly
    2. his cute butt
    3. IMAX 3D Shrek
    4. laughter

    So, that’s what’s on the other side of my bridge? My vision, my happy ever after? *giggles*

  267.  #267Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Lucy – I feel unsure… are you able to replace him with another man in the vision? if so then yes. if the vision is about him only then no

  268.  #268Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Lucy – I feel unsure… are you able to replace him with another man in the vision? if so then yes. if the vision is about him only then no…

  269.  #269Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    but it does sound good… I think its a great start… with Imax 3d shrek… im imagining that right now…

    and the feeling of that sounds like it would feel good (no feelings of loss or longing interfering right ?)

  270.  #270Jeannette on June 12, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Anyone have anything to say about # 264 here?

  271.  #271Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Well….guywhohadababy was in yours….. right?

  272.  #272dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    i dunno i feel delighted to be home on this saturday night. it’s just another night to me. there’s always sunday night monday night tuesday night wednesday night thursday night friday night…

    personally i like going out on monday or tuesday because it’s quieter out in the world and it feels nicer and more special. plus it’s a ‘school night’ so it gives me a good reason to keep dates short

  273.  #273Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    “and the feeling of that sounds like it would feel good (no feelings of loss or longing interfering right ?)”

    not sure I can get around those feelings completely…..

  274.  #274Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    I can replace him with another man IF he has a sexy belly and a cute butt (MOST men have neither!!! But TN man totally does!! So, yes, another man with a sexy belly and cute butt, yes.)

    And another man who laughs at the same things I do and whose sense of humor lines up with mine, yes, if there is a man besides TN man out there somewhere like that, yes, okay…. and who would feel good to sit next to holding hands laughing at Shrek…..

  275.  #275Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    he was in one of them but i can easily switch him with other men… its not about him, its about the passionate kiss against the wall

  276.  #276Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    yay Lucy! what a huge babystep this is… i feel expansive

  277.  #277Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Lucy – yeah i was feeling surprised to not have those icky feelings regarding tn man at this time!

    use another man, ideal relationship, practice consistently directing the thoughts back from thoughts of as rori says “a current or past man where things may not feel so rosy” to the ideal feeling relationship youre imagining

    i really like the shrek thing yes

    this is a great yummy step

  278.  #278Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Jeannette – I woudl recommend Targeting Mr. Right – it’s great and feels very encouraging.

    The plan is to date at least 3, and not focus on a MAN, but on PRACTICE . As Rori writes in the article up here.

  279.  #279Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    oops I meant the new article on the front page of the blog

  280.  #280Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    “yeah i was feeling surprised to not have those icky feelings regarding tn man at this time!”

    What do you mean?

  281.  #281Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    I feel surprised (in a good way I think) that this feels huge to you! 🙂

  282.  #282Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    I mean if it were me I would feel longing and sorrow thinking of TN man and “i wouldn’t be able to get around those feelings completely” either

    I was definitely not able to use guywhohadababy in my visioning while i was feeling broken hearted regarding him

  283.  #283Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    yes it feels good because i’ve been trying

    (as a self assigned unpaid coach assistant role that i seem to jump into – i want to see you doing well!!)

    to get you to let go of TN man and allow yourself to focus on the relationship and feelings… and you made that step now…


  284.  #284Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    sexy belly

    cute butt

    holding hands laughing at Shrek


  285.  #285Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    I feel like shit.

  286.  #286Simply Shannon on June 12, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    I just thought about my ideal relationship and the symbols for me would be:
    1. Beach
    2. Porch swing
    3. Spooning

    When I think of those three things, I can physically feel myself calm down. I take a deep breath and sigh. Wow. That’s pretty awesome. The feelings that come up are protected, cared for and comforted. Wow, then came sadness, like I won’t be able to have this. NOOOO. Beach. Breathe, sigh. hehe. I can hear the water.

    Why protection? Why comfort? Why not hot and passionate, which is also the thing that signals to my brain that I’ve got the hots for a guy? I’m thinking of all the times when I said I just didn’t feel it for Mr. Fab Kisser. I was associating “that” with feeling turned on. Very interesting. And yet even with him, I don’t feel protected or comforted by him. I do/did feel protected somewhat by Mr. Masculine Man.

    Hmmm… I feel intrigued, like maybe I just figured something out about what I really do want. None of what I wanted included being incredibly turned on. I mean, I want that but at the base of things, I need to feel protected and comforted.

    Wow. I feel tears in my eyes. Maybe next time I’ll know and not question when I’m just not feeling it for a guy. Now I have the ruler by which to measure how I feel around a guy!

    I found my measuring stick!!!!! Hell yeah!

  287.  #287Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    It’s 1:12 am here in Pennsylvania and I don’t want to go to bed. But I guess I will, cuz it’s too hard to stay caught up on all my Siren Island buddies here. But I love you all!

  288.  #288Daria on June 12, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Wow Simply Shannon! That’s AMAZING sounding! I feel really good reading your post. I FEEL comforted and I feel like i can smell salty air from a porch swing close to the beach

  289.  #289Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Wow, going on match really triggered me. I feel like I’m forcing myself to do this. Between every profile my heart is screaming, “Ryan! You idiot! Why did you blow it? Why did you fuck up the most beautiful relationship of my life!?!?”

    He put all this energy into developing this beautiful, romantic love, night after night at my house or out somewhere, like a diner. Then just when he has my heart completely for life, he fucking tells me he doesn’t love me, that it’s just a friendship.

    He has this thing about pain. I think he has the twisted idea that causing someone pain brings them closer to you. I read to him a lot out of Streams in the Desert where it talked about God allowing us to break our hearts to get deeper into it. Asshole twisted the meaning, and I feel so angry at him for hurting me so deeply and throwing me away like trash when he was the love of my life.

    I am crying now.

  290.  #290Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Wow, going on match really triggered me. I feel like I’m forcing myself to do this. Between every profile my heart is screaming, “Ryan! You idiot! Why did you blow it? Why did you mess up the most beautiful relationship of my life!?!?”

    He put all this energy into developing this beautiful, romantic love, night after night at my house or out somewhere, like a diner. Then just when he has my heart completely for life, he tells me he doesn’t love me, that it’s just a friendship.

    He has this thing about pain. I think he has the twisted idea that causing someone pain brings them closer to you. I read to him a lot out of Streams in the Desert where it talked about God allowing us to break our hearts to get deeper into it. He twisted the meaning, and I feel so angry at him for hurting me so deeply and throwing me away like trash when he was the love of my life.

    I am crying now.

  291.  #291Kim on June 13, 2010 at 4:04 am

    Rori I started with your ebook then 7 steps and Sirens after we broke up. I finally got to the point with circular dating that I didn’t call him. He’s calling, doing things for me, etc… This week was really hard for me, at work my job was cut to part time & I had some major family problems. This is what happen to him when we broke up. Today he fixed my lawn mower and took me out for a nice dinner. I decided to be open with him about my feelings, cried in his arms and then had to go home because I had to shower. He said he had a really hard time sleeping this week so he stayed home. I’ve been doing so good but I felt rejected that he didn’t come home with me. How can I control these feelings when I don’t get my way?

  292.  #292Daria on June 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    kim – you don’t control the feelings… you just feel them.. this is OLD stuff coming up to be healed… hug the feelings, CRY, and RIFF — do the power and self esteem section of the blog fromthe oldest post up

  293.  #293Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Daria, RE: #197 – Sweetpea said, “We all love you on here because you jump on our bridges – walk in our shoes and therefore give us great insight into what we could do differently.


    I feel interested to know what happens with this guy now. I feel daring just reading your posts! Yay Daria! Encourage us all to revel in our Siren-ness!!”

    I feel xactly the same way! I dig your uniqueness, and I really value your input!

    About Angry Car Man, I feel astounded that you can DO that, get out of a car and say nite-nite when someone is mad at me! My usual self would be trying to “make up” or talking it thru. But you did Daria, and you let him deal with his pist off feelings that you didn’t wanna go any further.

    Have you heard back from him? Do you think you will? Do you want to?

    I feel curious.

  294.  #294Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Juicy Lucy, RE: #198 – You said, “One dude is hanging by his fingernails on the underside of my bridge, with his legs being pulled by the current….poor guy, can’t make up his mind. I’m not gonna help him. I just look at him from time to time, roll my eyes, shake my head, and smile.”

    I love your visual and your creative sense of humor! LOL! Are you referring to TN Man here?

  295.  #295Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 7:56 am

    Daria, RE: #200 – You said, ““Do you have an inner critical taskmaster who keeps telling you what to do? Do you have another inner part that resists being told what to do? Do you get stuck in procrastination due to this inner power struggle? Do you find you automatically resist doing whatever someone else wants you to do? Today, notice your resistance and where it is coming from – within or without.”

    Says Inner Bonding”

    Wow, that sure speaks to me, especially today, my first day being back at work after a week off. I don’t want to be here at all. I am really having a hard time getting started. Going to meditate on that one. I want to go home. Yuck.

  296.  #296Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Related to that, I heard on the radio, “It’s better to DO good than to FEEL good.”

    I remind myself of that when I need to do something, say dishes, for example. My resistant part says, “I don’t feel like it!” Then I parent myself and say, “Yeah, but think how good you will feel when the kitchen is all cleaned up!”

    Bill is back from his 2 week Mediterranean cruise today, and he sent me a ho-hum email about something work-related. I responded, adding that I felt excited to hear about his vacation. He sent me one ho-hum line about his vacation. I feel disappointed.

    Stay on your bridge, Bren, and look straight ahead, not behind or to the side. Ahead on my bridge is a healthy, intimate, totally devoted relationship with a man who is as into me as I am into him. Ahead on my bridge is financial independence so I can work from home and quit my job. Ahead on my bridge is doing what I really want, not document work. I want to write, take more classes, and help people. I want to work with people, not computers and documents. I want great sexxx every day! I want to be slender.

    I love my feelings of overwhelmedness to get where I want to be. I love my deflated feeling that Bill was so unwelcoming. I love my yucky feeling of being back at work. I love my guilt that I am on Siren Island when I should be working.

  297.  #297Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Lucy, RE: #210 – You said, “My ideal relationship could be so many different things. I used to function like that — visions, agendas, etc. — but not anymore. It could be SO many different things! Why limit myself? That feels yucky!”

    I used to have no vision, and it didn’t occur to me that anything was wrong when I was subtly or overtly emotionally abused.

    One day in the 90’s, I was watching the TV series of Hercules. In this episode, Hercules met a beautiful woman in the woods. They sat together on a fallen log, and he caressed her cheek while he had an arm around her, speaking to her gently.

    I felt tears slip out of my eyes and down my cheeks as I realized I wished a man would treat me that gently. She seemed so valuable to him the way he touched her.

    At that moment, I put that picture in my mind of how my ideal man would treat me.

    I still do that kind of thing, and it helps me feel in my gut if a man is right for me or not. I must feel cherished, for example.

    How do you feel about that?

  298.  #298Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:47 am

    Lucy, I used to have a picture of a tall, well-built man. Ryan is tall, but he’s skinny, younger, boyish looking. My ideal didn’t limit me. When Ryan started coming around, I realized I was immensely attracted to him, and his physical appearance was not that important. I saw a lot in him I had never imagined, that didn’t fit my ideal at all. Yet he seemed like a perfect fit in so many ways!

    I have let him go for now but I fully expect he will reappear, better and more whole. I like Ryan.

  299.  #299Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Alicia, RE: #234 – You wrote, ““I feel annoyed, please re-read your text. I already gave him the answer. No…”

    I had a similar thing with Q, the guy I just started texting. He asked for me to text my pic last night. I texted him no, I would feel more comfortable after I get better acquainted with you.” No answer.

    This morning, he asked me again. I felt irritated, too. I just resent him last night’s text. He texted back “Ok”, and I left it like that.

    I feel disrespected when a man doesn’t take no for an answer.

  300.  #300Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Alicia, RE: #237 – How about simply responding to him, “I feel smothered and irritated.”

    It’s all about genuine feelings, even the negative ones! If you told him that, he’d stop. He’s probably so attracted to you he’s hardly aware of how much he’s overfunctioning!

    ~ The Queen of Overfunctioning

  301.  #301Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Mary, RE: #241 – You said, “if i’m unconscious in the hospital and crucial decisions need to be made, he’d say to the world:

    “she’s with ME. i’ll handle this. i’ll protect her. she’s with ME.”

    I can’t help but be triggered after this past weekend…My 16 year old neice, who I adore, was horseback riding on a country road with a boy. The horse spooked and she fell off, bumping the entire side of her head on the pavement! She lay in the road unconscious.

    Would you believe the boy didn’t call 911???? He didn’t have her parents’ numbers, so he called her friend, who called her parents! Granted, he is literally a boy, but can you imagine??

    I commented to my brother (her father) how I’ve been with wimpy men like that and how yucky it is when they just whine and whimper while I solve whatever problem is facing us.

    Anyway, I like it when a man steps up and takes charge, like you described, Mary.

    Just to follow up on my story, my niece has a bruised brain behind her ear. They did CAT scans, etc, and she is going to be all right. Doctor said she could have died from an impact like that. The entire side of her head is swollen and she has had low energy as she is recuperating at home.

  302.  #302Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Brenda re: “I love your visual and your creative sense of humor! LOL! Are you referring to TN Man here?”

    Thanks! And yes, ma’am I was. 😉

  303.  #303Tina on June 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    i left my keys at his house good grief!

  304.  #304Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Aww geez. I have that guy who “caresses her cheek and speaks to her gently.” And I’m not sure what to do with him.

    I’m CDing. This isn’t about meeting forever man, right? He called me today and set up date #3 already. Wow. Talk about stepping up.

    Somebody help! It’s ok for me to accept date #3 since I already have dates set up with two other guys, right? I didn’t change any plans or anything, just told him when I was available. (He was hoping for Tues or Wed – he gets Friday).

  305.  #305Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Sweetpea, sure it’s okay! You’re doing great!

  306.  #306Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Ok. Thanks Lucy. It’s just feels weird. I think the same day he messaged me (but before he messaged me) I was thinking, “What am I going to do about CDing when I get through these guys I’m talking to right now? Because it seems like we go out on one date and that’s it? Oh… they’ll keep getting to be better quality and I’ll WANT to go out with them more than once. Yeah. And I only need 3 to rotate. I’ll be fine…”

    And then I got the message from him and here I am, going on more than one date. It feels like all I have to do is ask and the universe is bringing it to me just like that (snap). It’s very cool, but now it brings up a whole slew of other questions – like the above.

    What would I ever do without the Sirens?

  307.  #307ALI on June 17, 2010 at 3:40 pm


  308.  #308Brenda on June 28, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Hi Ali,

    Sorry your post apparently got lost in the dust…we tend to focus on the most recent threads of the blog. I don’t know, but you could probably send for Rori’s book by snail mail. I know her other materials are CDs or DVDs, and she mails them. Typically they are ordered online. I’m guessing you could just mail the money. And she is really a wonderful relationship coach!

    I welcome you to join our discussions here on the blog, which we affectionately refer to as Siren Island. This is a tremendous resource, not only for information and ideas, but for friends!


  309.  #309Jackie on July 1, 2010 at 9:33 am

    My boyfriend and I are celebrating our 2 year annivwersary. FRom the beginning he talked about how we would be together next year, then growing old together. He has fully entrenched himself in my life, bringing over furniture, giving me copies of personal records such as insurance cards, pay stubs, etc. He had me sign him up for paperless billing to my email address. We also tranferred some of his high interest credit balance to my account which he pays off. So not that I’m planning a split but if I did it would make things difficult. Recently he said that in three years when his son graduates we can get a small house. He always talks of of future together never in what capacity. I asked him once about marriage and he joked and said “when I win the lottery”. I don’t plan on just living with him. If he decides he wants to be together like that he will have to marry me. He is also a very big “pack rat” to the point that his house is a bed to sleep with a path to get there. In the two years we have been dating, I was inside once and it was because he accidently left it unlocked. He has four vehicles, three sit in the driveway full of trash and recycling. The other he drives and was in horrid shape but his son and I cleaned it out and he has been keeping it clean. He works out of town 5 days a week so it is difficlt to get anything done. On weekends we have been working on remodeling a house he bought to flip. Once it sells we are suppose to start trying to clear through the clutter in storage units and his house. I like things clean and neat and have great difficulty slowing down to his pace of working on things. I am somewhat compulsive about finishing tasks. I truely believe he wants to be with me forever but I don’t have any promises of marriage. And the clutter/hoarding scares me. Also there is one event from dating that I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for. We were going to compete in an athletic event. I picked up his son and we met in a city along the way (he drove down from where he was working). It was the worst snow storm of the year. When we got to the meeting place he said his son would ride with him and I could follow. I was furious he would let me drive alone in the storm. When we got to our destination after my car getting stuck several times. I decided to head home. He tried to convince me to stay. It took me 5 hours to drive home and he didn’t call once to see if I was OK. After we started talking again he explained he thought it would be better to have two vehicles in case one got it trouble and decided next time this might happen we will rent a 4X4 vehicle. He thinks it is in the past I’m sure but it will never be for me.

  310.  #310Brenda on July 1, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Hi Jackie,

    Yes, that sounds very inconsiderate that he treated you like that in the snowstorm.

    Are you circular dating? This sounds like a classic relationship that would benefit from it! He’s not stepping up, and clearly that scenario needs to be revisited and discussed about the snowstorm.

    Feel free to share more here and we’ll support you along the way!

  311.  #311Siena on July 1, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Hi Jackie,

    I wonder if you tell him these things using feeling messages? Does he know how you feel about wanting to be married, the snowstorm, and all the other things you listed here?

    I see you said you talked to him once about marriage… perhaps it’s time for a power speech (there are examples on this site). Something along the lines of,

    “I feel so good with you, and I love you. But I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not headed toward marriage. I also don’t want to put pressure on you or us, but I would feel good knowing if marriage to me is on your mind. What do you think?”

    …also, do you have Commitment Blueprint? There’s a story at the end of that which I believe would really help you…

    love to you!

  312.  #312Jackie on July 1, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    No, Im not circular dating. I very easily could with him out of town 5 days a week. And he continues apply for jobs that aren’t any closer. He just changed jobs two months ago from a job that was 2 1/2 hrs away (weekends Mon Tues 3rd) to a job 3 hrs away (weeknds Sat Sun 1st). He was a correction officer which he said was stressful to an account clerk which he says is tressful because he doesn’t get along with his supervisor. So he’s saying as long as he finds a Sat Sun job it will be better because it will eliminate stress. After he got the clerk job he said he was only going to look for jobs closer now that he has weekends off. But now because of the job stress he’s applying at a wider area.
    I plan on talking to him about the future when we get time alone for our anniversary. Our weekends have been filled with remodeling the house he bought, time with his son and dying mother. He promises time just us this weekend and Lord help him he better keep the promise.

  313.  #313Jackie on July 1, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I do not have the Blueprint