The Road Trip to Love Forever

Untitled design (14)

Lisa is suffering after a breakup with her man of 10 years, and she’s feeling the way we’d all feel in this situation.  I want to jump off of her comment (sorry – I lost the link, but here’s the whole comment) and help her (and you, too) with some direction. (This will be the beginning of a bunch of “Road Trip” posts)…

“Dear Rori, My partner of 10 years left me 5 months ago. I won’t even consider dating. I am shy and feel like my life is a mess. I don’t know what I want out of life. I want a family and want to be the best mother I can be, but that chance may have left me with my ex. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted children (I think he does, but is just not ready).

I am doing my best to get on with life, but I have zero confidence. I can’t even look some people in the eye for more than a second. While I was with my ex I wasn’t like that. I was shy, yes, but not to this point.

I’m looking into that and other areas of my life.

But really, what I want the most is for him to come back. I do love him. It’s not about just having ’someone’. I thought he was the one. Lisa”

And here’s my answer:

Lisa, Welcome, and I hear your pain – and I want to give you a push our of your stuck place.

The answer for you IS dating.  I’m sorry, but it is.

You are in the midst of a major choice – to stay in this place of “no confidence” and “misery” – or to slowly, step-by-step move and grow your way out of it into the sunlight and the fabulous life you deserve.

For most of us – it works this way – because we can’t have things the way we want INSTANTANEOUSLY – sort of Instant Gratification – we’re afraid to embark on the journey.  We’re like kids in the car on a road trip going “Are we there yet?” every 5 minutes.

You have to learn to love the road.  That’s what my Tools will do for you, that’s what Circular Dating will do for you.

You have to begin.  We’re all here to support you every step of the way – and just reading here, you’ll find exactly what these steps are, what they look like, and how much better things can get in the process.

The steps and the outcomes and the results, no matter how wonderful or weird don’t often look the way we thought they would…but they’re a crucial part of the road trip…go for it, no matter how you’re feeling…

Here’s a link to one of my favorite articles for you about this…The Highway of Love…it will inspire you…

Love, Rori

Posted in ,

97 Comments

  1.  #1jat on March 27, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I just had to make a comment regarding something you stated, Rori, in Targeting Mr. Right.

    I’m watching the dvd’s right now, for the second time, and I’m at the section on the Four Rules. I think they are fabulous. I am so excited to try them, learn them, live them.

    Plus, I giggle each time I watch you demonstrate them… well, it’s not that you demonstrate them, you demonstrate their opposite. You’re so stinkin’ cute and it makes me laugh.

    After watching the series I realize that I want more and more to be more and more feminine. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t even need a man, the way I used to think I needed one. I still want one, but more than that I want to be feminine, very feminine.

    I come from a background of much study in self development, and I can see a lot of what I have already studied in your work. I love your continuous emphasis on self development, and not on changing anything about the other person.

    Anyway, I guess I really just wanted to say thanks.

    Jennifer



  2.  #2alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    yes! i feel you jat! i have a desire to be soft and have recently started allowing tha to be. the Targeting Mr. Right is really cool. and i agree. rori is so freakin’ cute!



  3.  #3Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Thanks Rori,

    I notice that I barely hold eye contact with a lot of people…meeting new people and holding conversations is hard for me.

    My ex said ‘we don’t have a lot to talk about’ and that has hit me hard. No, we didn’t, because YOU never wanted to make plans, YOU could barely even commit to being home for dinner most nights.

    My self esteem and confidence was slowly depleting as YOU made it clear you didn’t value me and didn’t want to spend time with me.

    But I don’t know how to build that back up again, to become confident, to let people in.

    Honestly, I do hold back in conversations. I do feel that I don’t have anything important and interesting to say.



  4.  #4alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    lisalisa that will shift for you. you DO have something to share. you WILL find your boundaries that allows you to feel safe in the world. thus allowing you to feel safe to share. you WILL learn to gravitate towards people who actually Care and want to listen. xoxo.



  5.  #5Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Thanks. I just feel I need to get myself ‘right’ before I date someone. My ex has jumped into it, but he was always good at meeting people, something I admired in him.

    If my ex didn’t love me, who will? If I don’t love me, no one will.



  6.  #6Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    I just want to scoop Lisalisa up in the fiercest, most loving Goddess embrace ever. I feel so triggered from her words it’s like my whole body is melting into this old fear. Wow. I felt so many of the same things with my ex of 8 years. Like my confidence just dried up and died when I was married to him, because he stopped showing me that he valued, desired, and cared for me. I feel all scrunched up on myself just remembering it.

    And you’re right, you have to love you. I never loved me. Now, I love me fiercely and passionately. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like no one else will ever want me, or like I have to “trade down” because I’m of lower value somehow–but I’m not, I’m of higher value. These past several months have added immeasurably to my value, to what I can give to a partner, and it’s only getting better. I’m working my f|_|c|<ing @$$ off to better myself for me and *someone* is going to appreciate me dammit!@#!@$@

    OK, kidding…a little. I’m beginning to really get that there are no guarantees in life. And it’s quite possible that I’ll live out the rest of my days as this absolutely fabulous, amazing woman who just can’t get a decent man for some strange reason. (Or as this rather ordinary woman who just THINKS she’s fabulous and amazing, and therefore can’t get a man and is delusional. Oh well. Rather be delusional than miserable.)

    My craziness aside, you’ve come to the right place. 🙂 This is an amazing community of absolutely wonderful women (and occasional men), and Rori really goes above and beyond for us. I can’t wait to see what develops for you in the future when you’re loving yourself hard.



  7.  #7Ann on March 27, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    Hi Lisa I wanted to send you a big hug. And if I may make 2 very doable suggestions for you to help build your confidence.

    1. practice this every day several times a day. Go to a mirror in your home and look yourself in the eyes and say I love you.

    2. keep coming back to this blog. read the post, read the comments, share what you feel.

    And baby step by baby step you’ll get where you want to go.



  8.  #8Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    When I do step 1, I cry.



  9.  #9Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    He was spending more and more time out alone with interesting people, including women, rather than me. He may have not been attracted to them, he may have, I don’t know. Point is, when it feels like he’d rather be spending time out with someone he refers to as ‘annoying’ than me….how am I supposed to feel about myself?



  10.  #10Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    I also just don’t want to get into dating, feeling awkward, etc. I want the comfort of the one I love back. But the feeling’s not mutual obviously.

    Do I deserve love? Yes. Do I want to find it with anyone else? No. Was what I had love? I don’t know. I know it wasn’t commitment, that’s for sure.

    I can’t imagine being comfortable with anyone else.



  11.  #11Ann on March 27, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    It’s fine to cry on step 1. Your tears are expressing your feelings. My interpretation of the blog is Rori helps us learn to feel and express our feelings.

    Please, please don’t judge yourself on what anyone else says.

    There’s a old saying that goes “The best revenge is to be well and be happy”

    Please stick around and grow with us.



  12.  #12Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    thank you all for your support.



  13.  #13Ann on March 27, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Rori also suggest dating ourselves. Start by dating yourself and feeling comfortable with yourself. Find the love within yourself for yourself.



  14.  #14Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    how does one date themselves?



  15.  #15Ann on March 27, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Do things you enjoy doing. Go to starbucks, or another coffee place, sit down and enjoy a drink. People watch until you feel like talking to people. If you like to read go to the library or a book store browse around.

    You can also practice with strangers. When your at the check out stand look the check in the eye for a few seconds.

    A date is about having fun, we can have fun by ourselves, with friends or a man.



  16.  #16Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Yeah, I am doing that.
    Took myself to a comedy show, took my mum and uncle to see Chris Isaak, watch the movies I want to watch, go for walks, try to enjoy things. I have a small group of busy friends, but see them every now and then. My closest friend is interstate. A workmate and I are going to take an evening class together. We have a lot of common interests.



  17.  #17heartbeat on March 27, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Lisalisa – hugs from me too! I started practising the tools while dating myself, practising with a new way of speaking – with new people, and in emails, and with girlfriends and workmates. I felt my interest and curiosity and brave self grow. I thought I was confident with men but it was just an act they could see right through. I looked confident but inside felt the same as you. I hope you stick around here. xxxxxxxx



  18.  #18heartbeat on March 27, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Elegant Ann 🙂 xxxxxxxx



  19.  #19heartbeat on March 27, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    Fierce and passionate Linmayu 🙂 xxxxxxxx

    I love you all.

    A client of mine was talking about her feelings for a colleague. “Someone else to love” she said. I thought that was beautiful. She has a big heart. I feel my heart growing too.



  20.  #20Lisalisa on March 27, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    I also think having a positive attitude makes a big difference. i decided that whatever I am doing, I am going to to my best in it. I might not like every aspect of my job, but I’m going to do my best, and that makes me proud of myself again.

    Doing my best everyday and doing my best to be positive does make a difference.

    I do have social anxiety though. Sure, I can type here for hours, but hold a conversation with a stranger? No. But I will get there. I have become closer and more open with a couple of girls from work since this happened. One I drive home some nights and that gives us time to talk about work and other things. It’s nice. She’s lovely. She reminds me a lot of me.

    I will definitely be keeping an eye on the posts. I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I have a lot of love to give.



  21.  #21Ann on March 27, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Heartbeat 🙂 glad to see you back. I missed reading your post.

    That’s it Lisa, just keep living and enjoying your life. And practicing the tools with the rest of the sirens here.



  22.  #22Lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 1:02 am

    I don’t know how to get him off my mind, that’s the hard part. Even though I try to keep busy, he’s there, in my thoughts 🙁



  23.  #23alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 1:43 am

    lisalisa i feel compassion for where you’re at. i have been there. i have obssessed over a guy i thought was irreplaceable.

    you can start with rori’s ebook. you can start learning the tools and you can start reading rori’s articles or old post and comments on this blog. if you have the money you can get the modern siren program.

    i know it felt like walking through mud up to my ears. believe me i know. baby step by baby step you will find your obsession loosening it’s grip. but stay with it if you must. you can still do rori’s stuff in the meantime. also if this guy Does come back YOU NEED TO SHOW UP IN A NEW WAY. so let rori’s tools help you to start showing up in a new way which would give you some kind of chance with this guy if he ever changed hid mind.

    in the meantime baby step by baby step. xoxo



  24.  #24Lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 1:50 am

    i love that there is constant support here. i hope one day i can be this supportive of others.

    thank you all



  25.  #25Katja on March 28, 2009 at 9:09 am

    So I just received my Modern Siren program and I am busy working with it and I already see some changes. Really. That was fast. I took my daughter for a walk this morning,I went to the river and walked by the river with her-looking at the water and at the ducks swimming in the water,looking at the trees and the birds and I listened to Rori’s voice on my Ipod. Great feeling! I was doing some breathing exercises and some men who were fishing in the river and while I was doing my breathing exercises they were looking at me and trying to catch my attention. Wow! Later I went to lunch with my man and he couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful I look and how relaxed I seem to be. I will continue to work with this and let you all know what happens.

    I did some research on the internet about the guest speakers on Modern Siren and looked on Heather Dawns website. There was a link to an interview of Rori and Heather but it didn’t work. Rori,I hope you read that-I’d really like to hear this interview as I am really interested in Heathers work. Can you tell me where to find it? And I also read that you,Rori,have a radio show and I’d like to listen to it,too. Is there any possibility to listen to your show over the internet? Please let me know.

    Hugs and love to all of you!
    (And lots of sunshine!!!)
    Katja



  26.  #26Katja on March 28, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Oh I meant there were some men standing there and fishing while I was doing my breathing exercises 🙂 Feels embarrassing,I forgot to fill in some words…



  27.  #27susan on March 28, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Why do we always want the things we can’t have?

    I have just been through a similar breakup as Lisa’s: 10 years together, commitment (or so I thought), plans to get married and start a family. Then, out of the blue, he ends it in a day — completely brutally. I love him very much, I was convinced that he was the one for me (and he said as much to me without any prompting very often).

    I have tried to make new friends, but it feels hollow. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I feel that I am taking more blame than I should for the breakup. I keep wishing I could turn the clock back.

    Good luck Lisa.



  28.  #28alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    my current circular dating story:

    guy on phone i haven’t even met yet trying to lock me down into exclusivity. i told him i am dating. we talked back and forth exchanging our views and decisions.

    at the end he told me he didn’t want to wast my time or his and wished me luck. i wished him luck too.

    it totally feels like the smart thing to do now. this circular dating thing. bc this guy wants exclusivity with me now (without even having met me) so that he doesn’t have to feel threatened by any competition. he practically said as much. so then he tries me on as a Girlfriend (trap) and then decides i’m not the one after ilve already INVESTED my heart soul time energy hope bc my idea of exclusivity and his idea of exclusivity were two Very Different Things.

    no no no no no

    i wonder if he’ll be back. not that it matters to me. by the way i did not explain the whole girlfriend trap thing i just described. i just told him i was dating to find my forever man.



  29.  #29alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Targeting Mr Right, y’all. it’s totally the way to go.

    xoxo



  30.  #30Maria on March 28, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    wow AG, seems you rock!



  31.  #31Lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    You are not alone Susan. I kept wondering if I was more to blame. I don’t truly believe I was. I know now I shouldn’t have stayed so long. We can’t turn the clock back. We can only do what we can today, and tomorrow.

    Although, if I am honest with myself, we rarely talked about marriage or a future together. So I feel like a fool. All the things I couldn’t see because I wanted him to be ‘the one’. He is such a special man, but perhaps not for me. I have to see him in a few months at a friend’s wedding. I am anxious about that already. When I saw him after the break up, I felt a massive rush of anxiousness, of rejection, like I was no longer good enough. I fear I will feel that seeing him again. But, I know I will get through it, I have to.

    Give it time, and maybe you will see things more clearly, like I am now.



  32.  #32alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    i totally rock maria! thanks! funny thing is though i used to be exactly like that guy. i wanted guys to choose me and commit to me before i truly even had a grip on reality. i just knew i had been looking with so little luck and along comes a winner and i just want to lock him down. i don’t feel a need to do that anymore.

    by the way i actually went and took a closer look at that guys’s profile and i was like dang. he’s cool. but whatever. i can’t choose him right off the bat. i don’t know him and i do not feel inspired to do that.

    r u circular dating maria?



  33.  #33alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    oooooooohhhhh lisalisa starting working rori’s tools and you can show up as a Godess!!! ooooooh that feels fun.



  34.  #34Lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    I want to feel strong, I just don’t know if I have it in me.



  35.  #35alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    i feel triggered remembering my own victim mentality and identity. it was the only thing i knew.



  36.  #36Ann on March 28, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    I’ve been on a healing journey for a few years. There’s been many things that helped.

    Including quotes that have become dear to me over the years one is:

    “I alone do the work but I can’t do it alone”.

    Which means I have to do all I need to in order to feel the way I want to but I need all the support I recieve along the way.



  37.  #37alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    i feel excited about this whole messy circular dating thing. my attitude has completely shifted. my perspective has completely shifted.

    definitely a much better view from this window.

    i love all the energy i feel from men now. yae! it actually used to disturb me. haha. now i like it. i might even learn to love it. from all kinds of men (short, tall, rich, poor, old, young, handsome, homeless) . yae! 🙂



  38.  #38lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    I understand what you mean by needing to do the work but needing support along the way. I don’t have a lot of support, but that is ok. I have made my bed…

    I hope this is an opportunity for me to overcome some social anxiety and made true, real, lasting friendships. I have one friend who tells it to me like it is, but he isn’t really there emotionally, or frequently. He was at the beginning and I will forever appreciate that. But he does have his own life.

    I am not happy with myself, my body. I don’t know if I will ever be happy with my body again. I don’t know if a man will ever want to touch me again. I am working on it, but I don’t know if I will ever get to a comfortable point, to be comfortable being seen naked again. I let myself go, I ate for comfort when he wasn’t home. I ate for comfort when he was home. Now my diet is great, but the damage to my body has been done and can never look the way it did.

    So what is the point of dating? I don’t feel attractive and I don’t feel any man will want to spend his life with someone who is unattractive naked.



  39.  #39Ann on March 28, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Lisa,

    I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sending you a cyber hug. You can find extra support here to go along with the real life support you have.

    The point in dating yourself, is to focus on yourself. I’m feeling a little triggered so I hope I come across the loving way I’m wanting too.

    To heal you have to focus on you, learning to love and accept yourself. To give your energy to you.

    You might try getting a haircut, new clothes, new make up. Get your groove on for YOU.

    Put your focus and energy on you first.



  40.  #40lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    what do you mean by ‘triggered’?



  41.  #41alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    so two things i want to share. i went for a hike today and i was tired and had some fuzzy anxiety in my chest. and i was like ugh. so i made up this tool for myself. i imagined this huge u shaped magnet in front of me and it sucked up all the negative particles and the fuzzy anxiety particles and the tired stuff and any toxins were just being sucked out and also the magnet energy was reorganizing my own body. it helped a litte.

    the other thing is (daria you might appreciate this) i was on my dating site and this guy’s pix showed up (the guy that was sexually inappropriate to a large dgree, never apologized, then gave SOME OTHER GIRL A ROSE)

    so one would thikn that a woman of sound mind who is truly searching for her mr right would be completely turned off by him. yes one would think that. and in most cases i am sure that would be my reaction.

    but forwhatever triggering unconscious trauma related reason i am super attracted to the way this guy looks (hi dad) so his picture pops up and i’m like oh man oh man how i’d like to get me a piece of that. (yes totally objectifying him as he did to me . what a nice mirror. so i almost dismissed it and clicked another page and left his triggering face behind but i wanted to experiment. so i just looked at his picture the way daria allowed herself to go over the moon about that pix of her ex.



  42.  #42alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    and i let myself feel what i was feeling and i was like mm yum and i felt this sexual tension in my body and then i let myself imagine what it would be like if he was my guy and i asked myself

    WHAT IS HE PROMISING ME?

    right? it occurred to me to look at a guy and wonder what his promise would be? like my ex #2 is promising me a life of disappointment and punishment.

    ex#1 is promising me a life of abandonment heartbreak lies and poverty

    ex#3 is promising me a life of inconsistency abandonment and alcoholism

    this is as they are currently showing up. not who they are fully as men. but who they are Being towards me RIGHT NOW.

    So what was this triggering online sexy face offering me? WHAT WAS HIS PROMISE?

    His promise was abandonment with nights out with the boys, disregard for my feelings, possibly violence and abuse, and a desire for me to be with another woman after he came home from a night with the boys (That was what he had emailed me that had triggered me and ended our exchange)

    so this is working for me if i am having trouble getting over an obsession with a man who is not really showing up. what is his lifelong promis to me if he were to be my mr right.

    hello reality check. goodbye imaginary relationship. i share it because it was so potent for me just to ask

    WHAT IS THIS MAN’s promise?



  43.  #43alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    WHAT IS HE PROMISING ME?



  44.  #44Ann on March 28, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Alias Girl I like your tool it sounds intriquing(sp). Looking at the guys picture also sounds fascinating, like drowling over candy in a candy store lol

    Triggered means some kind of feeling come up.



  45.  #45lisalisa on March 28, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    So when I think, what was my ex promising me? I think a lifetime of indecision and never fully committing to ‘us’.



  46.  #46alias girl on March 28, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    i keep coming up against weak, passive, girly men.

    what is the message?

    the only good thing is i realized why it triggers my rage and disgust.

    this is how i see my father. my father is a very physcially strong (or was when i was growing up he’s old man now) but my father was a very physically strong, deep voice masculine man. he was an angry man and an aggressive man.

    but when it came to PROTECTING ME he was a weak weak weak man. i cough when i use the word man to describe him in that sense. passive and weak willed.

    even now my mother’s emailing blah blah about my father and how i should contact him blahdeblah bc he’s an old man and will probably die someday before me.

    puhlease. as if i didn’t say so long to my father YEARS ago. and wtf is wrong with him as a GROWN MAN (cough) that he can not contact his own daughter. are you kidding me. man up. ball up dude. face yourself so you can face me. and he can’t. he is incapable.

    and thus my intense rage with weak men who can not even make a phoone call.

    this all came to me in the shower today.

    so great. epiphany central with the recent contact from my mother but still. what do i do with this?

    i tell the guy i don’t want to email and he says maybe we can use some other form of communication just not smoke signals. he is trying to be cute but i am not amused i am disgusted that he didn’t straight out ask me for my number so i feel like if i give it to him without being asked i am leaning forward and being the man. i feel triggered and i don’t know how to respond. rrr.



  47.  #47Daria on March 29, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Hi Alias girl…

    I would say

    Im at 555 555 5555.

    Rori suggested this in an e-letter. Give him the number right away because you want to move away from the e-mail and so on. It feels not leaning forward to me because it’s still up to him to contact me.

    I feel really happy that I use that instead of waiting for men to flat out ask me because that would feel frustrating to me, the way I sometimes feel when they ask me to do something like drive and I feel uncomfortable to straight out tell them that that will never happen. I want to easily and effortlessly tell them.

    For example this guy I Wnet on a date with and made out with sent me a sexy text yesterday. And I felt turned off. I mean he kinda turns me on physically but I feel a littel bored with him too. I don’t feel “gotten.” So for him to send me a sexy text felt uncomfortable to me.

    I feel sleepy. Gonna take care of myself by sleepying…



  48.  #48Reshi on March 29, 2009 at 12:53 am

    Yeah, I’m calling myself Reshi today because I’m feeling angry. 😀

    Wow, Alias Girl, I love the “What is he promising me” question. Because I’m still not COMPLETELY over my fucking ex. Even Makani is kind of a reflection of him in certain ways. (Looks just like him only darker, stronger, and sexier. But then, is that a reflection of my ex, or are BOTH of them a reflection of some masculine ideal that I have?) But back on topic, what is the promise from this beautiful-on-the-outside, fun-on-the-surface man? What’s he REALLY promising me?

    A relationship consisting of constant anger, sexual inadequacy (or rather, ME feeling inadequate because HE couldn’t handle once a week…at the age of 25…today I was talking to a male friend more than twice that age who said he would ideally be doing it 5 times a week; that’s more like it), fuck-buddy relationship masquerading as a marriage, no communication, no emotional intimacy, putting ALL the blame for EVERYTHING on me, betrayal, spiritual abuse/belittlement, feeling unloved and unworthybasically making me feel bad about myself in every way.

    And when I think fondly of a man, it’s not my ex who comes to mind anymore. It’s a new man, the one guy that I’d decided to keep in my rotation. We’ve had fun dates and deep conversations, and I feel so light and giddy and happy whenever I get an e-mail from him. And another guy, who I met on a dating site but consider a friend–a good-looking friend–who I’ve emailed and talked to on the phone and may never meet. And the handsome coworker who asked me out today. (That relationship is, likewise, going to stay in the friend zone until one of us gets our assignment ended, as I do not shag coworkers…) And the delightfully weird shaman musician who emailed me off another dating site and told me I inspire him. He inspires me too; he’s who I want to be when I grow up. Pushing 60 and fit and sexy as a 25-year-old…that is what I want to be.

    I’ve forgotten what I was angry about, though I do still feel a vague discontent. Likely about my body. It is not happy about the neglect I’ve fed it over the past 7 years. It wants attention; it wants me to spend time on it again. I am young enough that it should be easily able to bounce back to fit and gorgeous, given the proper care, but I feel physically wounded and scarred, and like I need to ease back into things rather than jump in. Unfortunately, what that means is 4-mile walks and yoga instead of 1-mile runs and weightlifting, and that takes a lot of time that I don’t currently have…going to meditate on the body thing, take care all <3



  49.  #49Reshi on March 29, 2009 at 12:58 am

    And what is my thing about long haired sexy men anyway? That started in high school. A long haired sexy boy made me feel special and noticed…by MAKING FUN OF MY HEIGHT. And then I had a crush on the mofo for 2 years while he forgot I existed. So I guess the promise from long haired sexy men is belittlement, feeling small, feeling ignored, and THAT is what I am chasing after? Makani, go get a haircut. D:



  50.  #50lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Reshi, you will get there. If fitness and health is a priority, take a look at your priorities and goals and include it, shuffle things around.

    I am working full time and studying part time at uni. Yes I’m exhausted sometimes, but I think that forcing myself to walk/jog a few times a week and do resistance training a couple of times a week is helping. It does build my self esteem a tiny bit and no doubt it helps with depression. It’s not always easy, and I don’t always achieve what I set out to in a day, but I know that even though it is too late for my body to recover completely from the damage I have done over the last 10 years, that I have to do this for me. I may never be comfortable naked again, but hell, I’m 33. I have to do something.

    I don’t always have the time, but I try as best I can. Sometimes just starting the day by saying “I am going to do and be the best I can today” is enough to motivate me to put my sneakers on 🙂

    And no doubt any men interested will notice how good you look and feel. I don’t have anyone interested in me, but even workmates have made comments that I’m looking better, and that is a great boost 🙂



  51.  #51Reshi on March 29, 2009 at 1:15 am

    Lisa, I’m 32. 30s is still young. I think your body will be able to recover better than you think. 😀 (Either that, or mine won’t recover as well as I think…but I like the first statement better, so I’m going to go with that.)



  52.  #52lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 1:34 am

    well i am 5’2 and 80kg (i have lost 7kg to get to 80). My lower stomach is not going to recover to anything attractive. But that is no reason to stay the way I am.



  53.  #53Tracy on March 29, 2009 at 2:47 am

    i had a nasty voice experience just now and i feel like sharing it.I was reading a blog about married couples and they were putting comments on how well their marriages are working and tips on how to make a marriage work….
    the whole thing really triggered me.First i felt angry at myself for not having the same thing,then i felt sad….and i felt afraid that maybe i may never experience the same thing…..i felt so much fear….
    i feel that each time i read some nice love story or watch a romantic movie,i feel fear and sadness…i wonder if such a thing could possibly happen for me…I know that marriage is not easy and it requires hard work and comitment,i just feel that i maybe left out….i feel worried and i guess the guyz who date me pick up on me….
    I had this problem of always focusing on the guy to make me happy.I would try everything to spend my money so that the guy i was with would make me happy.
    i thought that the hapiness came from being with him…i am slowly learning that it comes from making me happy…its hard sometimes…especially now…when you have all these nasty voices all around you…..it feels hard just trying to be positive…i feel like just accepting my fate..i feel hopeless and i feel tired..i feel all my efforts maybe in vain and i feel helpless..

    i feel better though writing about it…feeling through it…i feel i’ve reached my end-point…i cannot possibly feel any lower than this…i feel my heart is heavy…i feel a small ray of hope…i feel hopeful…i feel a small tense on my shoulders…
    I feel afraid sometimes



  54.  #54alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 3:34 am

    guy #164 emails me. i email back.

    me: hi. thank you for emailing. i like movies too sometimes. my name is stacey. i feel a little uncomfortable responding back to someone who didn’t fill out the “first date portion of the profile.

    guy#164: oh i feel like i’m on a “dating show” or something. i thought it was cheesey.

    me; i feel disappointed. i don’t want a man who isn’t romantic or thoughtful about those kinds of things.

    guy #164: ok. have it your way.

    end of exchange.

    guy #165 has beeen emailing back and forth. he is the “smoke signal” guy who’s a little soft and can’t quite get himself to ask for my number. finally after expressing my don’t want of not wanting to email i just plain STOP. i stop emailing him. he emails me three time today. finally i respond.

    me; i don’t want an email friend. i feel awkward and angry if i feel i am leading an exchange with a man.

    guy #165; i agree. what do you think we should do.

    me: i can’t pursue this with you. i don’t want the energy exchange that is between us. it’s not bad. it’s just not what i want.

    i feel good telling my truth. finally. finally i am telling the truth. and it feels uncomfortable bc i feel i am going to hurt these men’s feelings but often once i do it and actually see the responses i get i feel like ok my instincts were correct.

    linmayu i feel very excited about your rotation. i can’t wait to be where you are and dealing with interesting good men. 🙂 i feel happy when you write about taking care of your body and your health.

    tracy i feel very good to see you feeling your feelings. things will shift. you will find your value, your confidence, your goddessness. you will have the relationship you want.

    xo



  55.  #55Maria on March 29, 2009 at 4:30 am

    l could not help but copy paste something l found from internet. this is actually a response from a proffessional for a question asked by someone who never gets asked out for a second date.
    Ready?
    Read the response:
    These are four key things men find appealing enough in a woman to make them want to pursue them for a second date;
    (1) He has to find them physically alluring. A guy has to feel that pure animal attraction.
    (2) That a woman poses herself as a challenge, she doesn’t allow the man to think he doesn’t have to put up any kind of fight to win her. If a woman allows a man to believe she is available with out him having to make some kind of effort – he simply won’t make an effort.
    (3) A man will feel totally blown away by a woman who has drive and energy, don’t make the mistake of trying to compete with him – a man wants to be a man – but a woman with natural vitality will always draw a man in.
    (4) Most men desire women who evidently possess bundles of self-belief and self-esteem. A weak woman is not appealing, so any signs of vulnerability are an instant turn off. It’s not necessarily about full blown confidence – a lack of confidence is easily forgivable for a man where a woman is concerned, he has no problem with looking after her. In fact a bolshie exterior can often have the opposite effect and be a turn off. But a woman who gives off an aura of self-worth is an instant appeal, because if she feels she is worth something he in turn will think she is worth something.

    The hardest quality to achieve is obviously going to be the physical appeal; the more a woman can match up to her competition and be fit, in proportion and present herself well in her appearance and with the way she dresses – it is going to be obvious this is going to up her chances of more men finding her attractive.

    Building an inner self-confidence is achievable for those who put their mind to it, and it’s these very women who make an effort with their appearance, and who convince themselves they are special, who have that natural verve and energy that men find so appealing. So when a woman gets the ball rolling and follows the four key rules of attraction, she will always be the woman who gets asked on second dates!



  56.  #56Maria on March 29, 2009 at 4:32 am

    what l find most triggering is point number one. what if there is some women who are just not attractive and wont “push the buttons”. if its not true, then why is plastic surgery so popular?



  57.  #57lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 4:39 am

    why can’t just being yourself be good enough?



  58.  #58lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 4:41 am

    i was confident and, but over 10 years of little commitment I let myself, myself esteem, value and confidence go. After all, here was this great man, not perfect by any means, but perfect for me i thought, slowly whittle down my emotions by never really being committed. Here was this special man, who didn’t say it, but his actions showed it, that he would rather spend his time with everyone but me…



  59.  #59Tracy on March 29, 2009 at 5:50 am

    I feel overwhelmed sometimes with all this i am learning and trying to apply the tools..trying to feel every moment…i must admit though my relationship with my family has really improved.I ve stopped being reactonary..i always try to listen first…then go through how i feel about the situation….i feel that my family is really starting to hear me out and instead of the bitter exchanges though we still disagree i don’t get emotional and shout at them anymore…i am stil learning to speak my truth without blaming others about how i feel…
    I feel that previously i have englected me…ihave focused on making others happy and doing things to please others rather than doing them for myself….
    i feel that i need to enjoy my life just the way it is and focus in making it even more enriching and enjoyable but for myself not for anyone else….
    i feel that iam important and i have accomplished alot with myself and i can even be better and bigger and happier….i feel grateful for me and what i am…i feel happy to be where i am and i feel sad that in the past i have neglected and thought of myself as not worthy..
    i feel excited that i am writing such a long post
    i feel i am opening up and though its a long process it feels great to be making progress..

    Hugs,

    Tracy



  60.  #60Linmayu on March 29, 2009 at 8:21 am

    I feel triggered by Maria’s post as well, after a man called me “cute” last night. In that way where it means “you’re not ugly, but I sure as hell wouldn’t ask you on a date.” And said “if you lost the weight you’d have guys all over you” when I’m not really trying to lose weight, I have guys all over me as I am and they tell me I’m crazy if I even mention losing weight. It made me feel judged and inadequate, and this wasn’t even someone I wanted to date. It felt like hearing an uncomfortable truth–that there’s something about me that makes me not good enough for a lot of men.

    The whole bit in the article about a woman having to “match up to her competition” didn’t feel good to read. I feel that’s saying there’s one ideal that we all have to aspire to, and it’s going to make me have a worried vibe every time I go on a date. It doesn’t sound anything like the myriad of gorgeous goddesses on Siren Island, each with her own unique beauty.

    Then again, I’m shallow too, and I would like to add some guys with perfect physiques to my rotation, whenever I really start up the rotation again…so maybe getting into “fighting shape” would attract those. It’d certainly make me feel beautiful in a different kind of way…but I’d miss the sexy curves I have now. I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks I’m sexy.



  61.  #61Linmayu on March 29, 2009 at 11:02 am

    blah blahblah bitch moan.

    I feel hopeless and inferior genetics and hating myself. I know I can feel better than this. I want to feel happy and sexy. I don’t think I’m going to feel sexy as long as I remain unshowered…wow, after showering, I feel angry now. I had been feeling good about my looks, I had seen Divine Perfection in my naked form, and now because of one comment from someone I don’t even want to date, I don’t see the beauty in my body anymore. All I see is flab covering something that could theoretically be attractive. And this even though I was just called “extremely attractive” by someone I AM dating.

    Well, that mofo was definitely a messenger, because it’s an undeniable truth that I’m not taking good enough care of my body. I am not doing the things that would enable me to be sexy at 60, and I want to be sexy at 60.

    And at least I feel sexy now…had a really hot date with myself after all this bitching and moaning… 😀



  62.  #62Maria on March 29, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Well , Linny, l was triggered by the whole post, hence l put it here.



  63.  #63Maria on March 29, 2009 at 11:22 am

    l quess lm trying to find out wether that really is true, what it says.



  64.  #64Dorothea on March 29, 2009 at 11:37 am

    The only value I see in trying to “match up to the competition” is if it makes you feel less uncomfortable in your own skin. My best girl friend is post-two back to back pregnancies and definitely heavy, but that hasn’t stopped her from successfully attracting some sincerely gorgeous men. Actually, she’s been losing a lot of weight lately but I think she felt like it was time to try something different but it wasn’t about attracting men. So sexy isn’t about being able to fit into that cookie cutter competition. Actually, I used to think my deep curves were an unfortunate deviation from my otherwise thin shape, and I would fight them (went to a snobby stick thin peroxide blond secondary school) but now that I am older I feel infinitely grateful for the curves on my body. They are sexy. They are sex. They are what makes me a female. For me it feels sexier to have them than to fight them.

    One of my good guy friends was telling me about this girl he was seeing. From what he said I could see that she was trying her best to lean back, circular date, and authentically set her boundaries, but the last part would get scrambled because of her bad body image. She didn’t want him going under her shirt because she felt bad about her body. She wanted to get in shape before she would feel comfortable letting him do that. He thought this was really tragic. He just thought she was hot. But he got turned off by how her feeling of physical inadequacy would lead her to inauthentically push him away by setting all these arbitrary no-go rules for when they were fooling around, which they were doing all the time. Maybe somewhere along the way someone told her she wasn’t quite good enough, which actually led to her believing it, and in the end, to my friend a woman who believed she wasn’t physically good enough for the attention he was dying to drown her in actually wasn’t good enough!

    ok i feel like i overtyped. deal with it, ladies:P. i’m campaigning for us to all love our sexy bodies! i love looking in the mirror and being like “daaaaaamn back that thing up, look at you!” it feels great and natural for I have practiced a lot. However, when my hormones are all out of whack at certain points in the month this statement may not apply.



  65.  #65Daria on March 29, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    So today when I woke up I responded to a text:

    I’m feeling lonely/bored and it’s like an everyday thing, i feel powerless to change it

    and he said:

    it’s mild depression. I had that problem, I just hung with someone that makes me happy, you should come chill with me…

    Ok. so that’s what it is? interesting… also of course I would feel better if I could hang with someone that makes me happy except I’m spending most of my time “hanging with me.” So I want to be happy like that too? too much to ask? I hope not because I’m asking for it?

    I don’t want to feel vaguely bored and lonely regularly during my days. I have been feeling like this probably a long time except when I had my friends that I could hang with and laugh with regularly…

    BTW I did go see a guy friend of mine at his family’s house and had a pretty fun time… I noticed that I would feel bored when his attention would shift to something else and thought about how I woudl feel AWFUL if this was happening with someone I was romantically interested in. Time to do something then, maybe leave, but go where? Drive around by myself? You know lately I’ve kinda enjoyed that… it feels kinda icky imagining it though.

    I feel like I SHOULD be surrounded by laughing happy friends that include me and notice me all the time.

    I feel really good right now by myself though except when the lonely/bored thought comes up.

    Hmmm?



  66.  #66Ann on March 29, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I’m sure the author of the article posted had the best intent in mind. However, I feel his words didn’t come across very appealing.

    I feel his first point-“1) He has to find them physically alluring. A guy has to feel that pure animal attraction.”

    comes across as men being so shallow that all they think with is the lower brain so to speak. At one time I probably would have agreed with him. But after much healing and observation on my own part I strongly disagree!

    Men are just like woman in that there are so many different perferences for them. I absolutely do not believe the first thing ALL guys notice is a women looks.

    I’ve been doing a experiement lately. I’ve been women watching and women vibe feeling. I notice the vibe I’m picking up from women around me, I notice the body language they are putting out. I feel their energy.

    When a woman is in her authentic, sexy self mode there is a totally different energy around them. I’ve also been noticing how men react to women who are in their authenic, goddess self.

    I honestly believe we could walk into a room full of women and men. We would see all different shapes and sizes of both sexes. I believe one of the women could be 350 pounds, 5 ft 5 in but as long as she was into herself and feeling good about her she’d be getting her fair share of attention from good looking men.

    I’ve said this before but for me there is NO “competition” unless I create it in my mind. I’m the only me like me. Sure I dress good, put my make up on, comb my hair, put on the perfume I want to wear for the day. BUT I do these things because they help me feel good.

    The best part about this article I see is the part of the last paragraph which says:

    “Building an inner self-confidence is achievable for those who put their mind to it, and it’s these very women who make an effort with their appearance, and who convince themselves they are special, who have that natural verve and energy that men find so appealing. ”

    And I feel this says focus on making myself feel good, building me up, knowing what a goddess I am will help me have a vibe and energy men can’t resist.

    OK there’s my 2 cents on this article.



  67.  #67Ann on March 29, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Reshi, I feel I could smack the guy who said those things to you. But to me I feel your “uncomfortable truths” are just his perceptions. Somewhere don’t remember if it was this blog or not sorry Rori, but I read the idea that dating was like trying on a pair of shoes. We don’t like them all and they all don’t fit. So tell him big deal if your shoe don’t fit him it fits you just fine.



  68.  #68alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my appearance. i still don’t feel fully integrated with my outside appearance. it almost feels like some foreign thing i am constantly trying to manipulate and control and improve. it feels tiring at times. and other times it feels like something really fun to play with. i love fashion. but i don’t want to feel burdened by it. i like makeup but i don’t want to feel undesriable with out it. it feels like a constant battle for me.

    but i believe it truly is about attitude. i have looked uber blah somedays but felt very pleased and good and have attracted desirable men. i have been dressed up and preened and primped and felt like i was a forest aniaml blending into it’s envrionment.

    my goal actually is to feel really godessy sans makeup. argh. just saying it feels like Yeah Right. is an interesting discussion and obviously a widespread obssession. just look at women’s profiles and you can feel the energy regarding their appearance and how important we are trained to believe it is to men.

    and well the truth is at this stage of evolution it IS very important to men. INITIALLY. but not quite in the way we think. i believe it has ALOT ALOT to do with confidence and finding ourselves sexy and beautiful and desirable. i truly believe this. just like what rori teaches only transcribe it onto our opinions of our own appearances.

    so we can do to ourselves what makes us feel beautiful TO OURSELVES.

    ohhhh i feel like kissing myself right now. hehe



  69.  #69Ann on March 29, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    For the most part I’m happy with my appearance. I’m 5 ft 4 in. About 112 lbs. I’m dark complexted. The only make up I wear is concealer, I have heridary under eye circles(raccoon eyes) so you want catch me outside without concealer(unless a emergency come up).

    And I wear lipstick but only “cutie” or “East Side snob”. That is a big step for me for a long time I didn’t wear anything that drew attention to my mouth but these 2 brands look good on me.

    I’m going on 50-now I’m still working on being comfortable with that lol. I don’t really feel that old and my daughter would tell you I don’t act that old. But actually that’s only old when comparisons are made.



  70.  #70Dorothea on March 29, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I have a webcam on my laptop so I took alllll sorts of headshots of myself. Some posed in that special way we all know to look our ‘best’ – but many just without makeup, hair a mess, awkward angles…

    I always used to hate pictures. well I guess I really do still hate pictures, but the reason was I felt like I wasn’t in control of how I looked for eternity in that photo. It freaked me out.

    So I have taken these candid photos of myself and examined them for evidence of being justified in feeling good about the way I look, even in awful pictures. I feel better focusing on the positive instead of the negative like I used to (“omg the bags under my eyes in this picture!” vs. “my hair color is so pretty and unique”) but it does feel unnatural like I am trying to delude myself. Still, taking these pics of myself and getting really comfortable with them and feeling everything examining them triggers has really helped in the long run. I feel like if I can’t control whether I look a particular way in photos or in daily life, even, then I should come to terms with and even fall in love with what I am workin with.

    The big step was sending online friends whom I have never met pictures from the “bad” collection. Usually we send people our nicest photos, which I had done, but I would hold back interesting photos because I didn’t like I how I looked in them. Screw all that.
    And of course the friends said I looked cute no matter what. 🙂



  71.  #71Lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Why do we feel like this man is ‘the one’ when clearly he isn’t meeting our needs or willing to step up to do so? Our relationship slipped away to the point where HE let it go. But in 10 years, he never committed.

    Also, my ex said, a week after we broke up, that one of the things he found most attractive in me was my intelligence. I have never been thin, I have always been curvy, and he liked that too. But now I am beyond curvy, but working on getting myself healthy.

    Yes I wish he would come back. But we both know he is not ready to have a family. He will one day, I know, even though he is not sure at all.



  72.  #72Lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    So, regarding commitment, is he doing now what I should have been doing to him? He left, and is now dating, a lot.

    What does that say to me? Does that say he wants nothing special or does that say he is searching for ‘the one’ for him???



  73.  #73Dorothea on March 29, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    My gut reaction feeling is to say who cares what that says to you, get your circular date on for a while and then ask yourself those questions.



  74.  #74Lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Yeah I know. I have some work to do on myself mentally and physically before I will be confident enough to date again.

    Perhaps he will get out there and realise I was the one, who knows.



  75.  #75Linmayu on March 29, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Hehe Alias Girl, I ONLY feel like a Goddess when I’m sans makeup. When I have it on, I feel like a fake, painted doll. Hence I almost never wear it; whatever flaws there are on my face, people just have to deal with.

    Maria, as to whether that article is true, I don’t know. Rori tells us not to believe in any kind of “competition” from other women, but on the other hand, I want to be the best version of me that I possibly can be and that means not settling for my current weight and state of health. And, men are attracted to whatever they’re attracted to, they can’t wire themselves otherwise.

    Why is it so commonplace for the husband to stop being attracted to the wife if she gains weight after marriage or after the kids are born–and yet we women are socialized to believe it’s UNTHINKABLE to behave the same way if our husbands turn into potbellied workaholics?

    I have a friend who’s about 100 lbs overweight and she loves herself so hard that she’s got the cutest, most awesome boyfriend who adores her and tells her every day that he loves her. So I think that the article may be the rule, but Rori is teaching us all to be the exception.

    Now, back on the topic of What Is He Promising? I spent some time today staring at a picture I have of a man I don’t actually know, which represents the kind of love that I want. I lean him forwards and he looks like he’s putting energy towards me, loving me, desiring me. I lean him back and he looks like he’s JUDGING me. And I think somewhere in me I might actually want that, or at least I am somehow trying to attract it. Now I can’t STAND the idea that men judge women, rate us on a scale of 1 to 10, stack us up in piles labeled “Would Fuck” and “Would Not Fuck.” I do not want to believe they do this. Yet, they do. And I want to be judged and called a 10. Like, I suddenly find myself wanting to post on hotornot.com…wanting to know the truth of how I am seen by others and specifically by men. But would knowing this strengthen me or weaken me? I don’t know.

    OK. I fucking did it. Talk about triggering myself on purpose…



  76.  #76Lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    One thing my ex blurted out as he was withdrawing was ‘I don’t even think you do want to get married’, to which my reply was silence.

    Hello? Of course I wanted to marry him. But I wasn’t thinking about that while our relationship was slipping..I couldn’t consider marriage until our relationship was repaired. There was no commitment from him to repair it. He left.



  77.  #77alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    _h my goodness linmayu you made me squeal. oh thank god. thank you for that. today has been a tough heavy day for me. as is obviious by my million and one comments.

    ahhhhhhh lnmayu. i totally can’t imagine posting my pix like that. trigger. trigger. oh. report back with your feelings. i feel interested.

    well i am oppositw you. i only feel like i am desirable if i am wearing high heels and coiffed hair and sexy skirts and heavy makeup. if i was really with it i would have fake nails and a prada bag to go with it all.

    AND THAT IS SO NOT ME. why do i torture myself? why? why am i not good enough aas hoodie girl?? and then sexy doll on fancy dates only. that’s who i want to accept myself as. bc that’s more me. argh. i feel this nasty voice telling me i am lazy and i NEED to be that in order to get and keep a man.

    rrggh. trigger. just mix it in with my triggering day. this is actually a huge ongoing daily constantly on my mind thing though.

    constantly asking myself why didn’t i dress like her (high heeled goddess person) why can’t my hair stay in place pretty like that. i should be wearing more mascara. heck i should be wearing false eyelashes plus more mascara.

    aaaaahhhhhh make the voice go away. i love my nasty voice. my ivana trump voice. no bad on ivana. that’s JUST NOT ME. just like being a hoodie girl is just not ivana. argh.



  78.  #78Lisalisa on March 29, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    I think you should be yourself.

    I don’t always wear makeup. When I do, it’s for me, and I like it to look natural, like me. I like my hair to look good, but again, it’s me, natural me. I straighten it, and that’s about it. And I love it. Clean, classy, natural me. The more I work out, the better I feel. I have good days and bad, but I can envision myself looking the way I want to look. I don’t know if my body will ever look that way, but I know it won’t if I don’t try!

    There are so many men out there who don’t need you to overdo it with makeup.

    Be who you want to be and find someone who loves you for that. Anything else is an energy drain – no use being who you aren’t.



  79.  #79Linmayu on March 30, 2009 at 7:22 am

    OK, so the Internet has officially rated me a 6.5. What I posted was a picture of me at my cousin’s wedding, all dressed up with my hair straightened and everything.

    I know for a fact that when I look like that, Indian boys will fall over themselves to talk to me. But hotornot is mostly white boys and I’m not quite so attractive to them, except for some who have an Indian fetish, and some who are just awesome and openminded. But even if you are openminded intellectually, it does not mean your dick will agree, unfortunately. I think I need to move to where there are more dark men. I am afraid I sound racist and I’m not; every person is an individual, but I do see trends when it comes to attraction. People either like what’s similar to them or what’s different from them, and more people like what’s similar. I like both. 🙂



  80.  #80Linmayu on March 30, 2009 at 7:23 am

    As for how I feel about being rated a 6.5, I feel amused, I feel relieved that I’m not a 5, and I feel annoyed that I’m not a 9. Goddess, I really want to be a 9. But I don’t think that’s possible with the genetics I’ve been given. 🙁



  81.  #81Linmayu on March 30, 2009 at 7:33 am

    No, not a 9. I want to BE a 10. Not necessarily to be rated a 10 by some mofos on the Internet. But I want to BE a 10 when I go about my life. I want the man I’m with to think I’m a 10.

    For me it is such a deep-seated desire to be beautiful and to be loved and desired, and such a long-standing source of frustration to have a face and body that are considered ugly by many. To feel beautiful is so basic to my well-being. Last night I kept taking pictures of myself with my digital camera and I felt so discouraged. I looked terrible. It was so different from when I look in the mirror; the camera magnifies every flaw. And I wondered if that is how the world sees me, with such an awful, lumpy, wrinkled face. I went to bed early with my contact lenses still in, had bad dreams, spent the whole night feeling like death was approaching, and woke up feeling depressed and powerless.

    I need my boy energy to do more for my girl energy. To take me out walking, to use its discipline to get me to work out, to take the time to make my hair pretty, to put energy and intelligence into dressing myself, to wake up earlier and be healthier so that I can have the experience of being more beautiful.



  82.  #82DocK on March 30, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Hi Beautiful, Sexy, Playful Goddesses

    I am not immune from our culture and its judgments – I was a national football league cheerleader, ring card girl, danced, and competed in a few bodybuilding competitions (talk about judging by appearances). Rather than this making me feel “hot” I came to realize how superficial it all is, how easily replaceable each and every lovely woman is to those venues and how awful it felt to hear some of things that people would say about how I should improve this or that so I felt like anything but “hot” a lot of the time.

    I feel so ugly when I feel insecure, mistrustful and jealous but that is mine to deal with and it feels good to be making progress in the positive direction. As for “hot or not” I feel my stomach start to churn, red face and frustration and remind myself of my favorite quote from The Little Prince:

    It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.



  83.  #83Linmayu on March 30, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Indeed. And it is true. Men really do consider beautiful women as expendable commodities…until they fall in love.

    And they can’t fall in love with us if we see OURSELVES as expendable commodities. I guess that is why Rori is telling us to love ourselves first.

    I’m having issues with my breasts currently. I found myself expressing frustration and anger with them because they aren’t hanging out as high on my chest as they were when I was 20. Never mind that they’re still doing damned good for 32. It really became noticeable after my husband and I broke up; the very next day they seemed deflated, and I judged myself for that, and told myself that I was now past my prime and no man would ever want me because I no longer have perfect breasts.

    I realized that I was expecting them to meet a certain standard before I would love them, whereas instead I ought to love them first, send them loving energy and make them happy, the way my man used to do back when he was smarter than me and saw the beauty that I couldn’t see. So I spent this morning doing just that and I feel much happier and sexier.



  84.  #84Dorothea on March 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Reshi I soooo did not want you to take a bunch of pictures of yourself and then feel awful about it:'( That makes me feel really bad. But I feel like I can relate so f*cking much. You and I are suffering from a little bit of the ol’ body dysmorphia if context-free fotos will make us focus on the flaws with such mortal fear. I know this because people have warned me that I was off my rocker hating on my appearance so bad at times, and because I’ve seen your pretty picture and I think you look exotic and wonderful.

    Seeing an attractive and interesting looking woman like you would make me feel threatened and bad about my own appearance in the past, but especially after forcing myself to deal with all my bad photos, I just feel proud to belong to the same group (women) as you and the rest of the women whose looks trigger me.

    Just to reiterate, you are so pretty! LOL 😀 Cheer up lady



  85.  #85alias girl on March 30, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    i feel triggered by the discussion bc of my own painful relationship i have had with my own appearance my entire life. i mean i feel good for the most part now but there are still those hidden pockets which feel like a dark unending vortex i could fall into about that stuff if i am not careful.

    hot or not is probably more caucasion like you say linmayu. i am caucasion but i do not find caucasion men attractive. i might end o up with one but i doubt it. so yes people have their preferences and prejudices so that could have altered your score like you said.also it seems very sexually oriented so if you put up a porn like shot it might alter score also. however i’m not sure that would be a useful or good feeling thins to do. i actually feel really bad talking about this whole score system but in some ways is a reality in our current society. on the SURFACE of things at least. yes arm candy women are completely expendable . it’s objectifying not about humanity. but most men want to fall in love. alot of them do. and then beauty truly does come from the inside.

    i love that quote from the prince. i felt chills reading it. now i feel tears writing about it.

    we are learnin g to love ourselves. i feel more beautiful since doing rori’s tools. and more authentic and confident.

    i feel loving. i feel protective of you right now linmayu.



  86.  #86Lisalisa on March 30, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Rori, how do I treat this man now? Do I cut off contact completely? He was my friend/lover for 10 years…that is extremely hard. But he has shown, by dating other people, that he is no longer interested in me that way. So do I stay friends, or never see him again? There will be times where we have to see each other. We have mutual friends, weddings, etc. It’s funny that seeing him since the break up has made me feel uncomfortable. But I would feel instantly uncomfortable if he gave me what I wanted…another chance for us. Rejection hurts, rejection from someone who I realise may never have wanted a life with me hurts even more, because I allowed it to be.



  87.  #87Lisalisa on March 30, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I just received an email from my ex, wondering if we can make some time to see each other as well as me picking up a few things from the house. He told me work has been busy, and he is going to make more of an effort to relax and that he hopes I am doing well.

    Now, I know he’s dating, so I truly believe this is not about ‘wanting’ to see me. My heart skipped when I saw the email, but not in a good way. More like dread. That is never how I wanted to feel around him. I wonder what he wants to tell me. Last time we communicated he told me he was dating, then a few weeks later he emailed about some final things that needed settling, and that he half expected a skype or email by now, but ‘that’s ok’.

    I’d really like to be in the position where I am sexy, confident, and ok with things the next time I saw him. Going by the tears I just cried, I am not there yet. Perhaps I never will be?

    As much as I’d love this to be that he feels me pulling away and is coming back to me, I know we are over in his eyes. I know he is not contacting me for that. Perhaps it’s all part of him wanting to be friends.

    I do not know what to do. Any thoughts?



  88.  #88Daria on March 31, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Oh Lisa I feel so sad reading what you are going through.
    I feel really angry at this man… If you feel upset then you don’t have to feel OK around him…

    I feel outraged

    I would not want to be his friend. I would feel very weak. If I were feeling strong I would not be interested in seeing him and tell him that I feel angry and betrayed and am no longer available to see him.

    Or if I felt weak I would say I feel weak I feel horrible around you and I don’t want to feel this way… I feel

    DONT EVEN LET HIM CONTACT YOU

    FUCKHIM

    I feel bad now writing that but I felt it actually means I would feel VERY ANGRY… (And you know what I feel triggered right now

    this is about me, Daria…

    I feel really ANGRY AT MY EX… I FEEL HUMILIATED AND YET I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO HIM AND MISS HIM TERRIBLY… I WANT TO SAY DONT EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN AND I ALSO WANT TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND… I WANT HIM TO CONTACT ME ANYWAY… SO THE BEST THING I AM DOING THAT FEELS OK IS LEAN BACK…

    I would lean back from him as far as possible lisalisa. Let him come to you and make it hard for him to come to you.

    I would take his calls to the best of my ability in a business like manner – Hmmm this is what I DO. Is this really the best thing for me? well I am very concerned about the business thing… I dono… so messy…

    Please smile LisaLisa. I wouldn’t be nice to him… if anything I would maybe nto even want to see him until I felt more comfortable. Maybe not even take his calls or return his emails.



  89.  #89Lisalisa on March 31, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Thanks.
    It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is.
    I don’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want to treat him badly. I love him dearly. I am not angry. If he wasn’t my ex, and was a friend, he would be someone I love and support and say you did what you felt you had to do to be happy. He wasn’t happy and he left.
    My feelings of rejection and low self esteem are my issue, not his. This is someone I care about deeply.
    I have to find a polite and caring way of saying I am doing this for me and that doesn’t mean I don’t care about or value you.



  90.  #90Lisalisa on March 31, 2009 at 1:38 am

    how do you lean back without making him feel bad or like you are being rude for doing so? completely ignoring some is rude, particularly someone i value



  91.  #91Tracy on March 31, 2009 at 5:21 am

    Lisalisa,
    I feel your pain and i am throwing u a big cyber hug…i felt the same way sometime back…i felt so stuck and lonely and confused about how to react with an EX.Well mine was nowhere near 10 years but i felt that the more i focused on me and less on him the more i regained my confidence and self esteem…i felt that what was important was not about making the guy feel like i still cared,or about being nice but about ME…how was i feeling how was i processing these feelings…
    Only i can make me happy….i felt that the more i focused on my hapiness and making me feel good about me and not so much worrying about how he was doing where he was…the more i was able to regain my confidence and i felt lighter and guess what he came back and now…he’s following me around and as Rori said it so well in a previous newsletter…i am beginning to wonder and ask myself if it is him i really want!or is there better out there…
    I felt discouraged at first,i felt defeated..it felt like beating my head against the wall and as i read your post…if you check some of the previous posts you’l find mine with almost similar expressions…it feels awful to be stuck and not sure what to do next…
    With time though i felt that things became more clearer..They are getting more clearer….and when you reach that better place then you can make better decisions….
    What i felt helped me the most is to know that whatever i feel has to do with me. It’s my stuff…if i feel sad and lonely and disappointed…that’s me…it may be triggered by someone else but the source is me…so if i want to feel better only me can do it…by processing through these feeling and trying to reach a better place where i feel good about myself….
    Circular dating for me has really helped,by making new friends, dating other men and trying to discover what triggers me….sometimes i really miss my ex,i feel myself falling back…my sadness trys to creep back..but now,i feel more assured and confident and now i know what i want…before this i felt that i was doing what others want….

    Lots of hugs

    Tracy



  92.  #92Rori Raye on March 31, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    LisaLisa, and everyone – Try this: STOP trying to “Get Over” anything. Just take your feelings and your memories with you….and KEEP GOING FORWARD in your own life. That’s what Circular Dating is all about. To combat the pull toward those old feelings and memories – work with all my Tools around Being Present – touch objects, make friends with objects, experience objects…very helpful…Love, Rori



  93.  #93Lisalisa on March 31, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Thanks Rori, yes, going forward is the best thing to do. I’ve done a lot of looking back. Sometimes it helps, to see how I have behaved in order to improve myself. I feel I am so desperate to never be in this position again that I read and read and reflect and want to change so much. I am looking back at my behaviour more now and see how irresponsible I was.

    I was on skype last night and he started a chat conversation with me. It is easier to chat rather than talk on the phone, but I feel a bit childish that I cannot talk to him calmly or without crying. He wanted to talk about how we were both doing. He wanted me to know this wasn’t easy for him and he was very sorry for hurting me. He feels guilty.

    I was in the relationship too and it’s not all his fault – we were both in it. We both withdrew emotionally. I’m not trying to play the victim or ignore him childishly. I am just trying to feel my way through this. I have spent a lot of time holding my thoughts and feelings in. I can’t do it anymore. It’s exhausting.

    I don’t hate him. I love him. We are both human. There is forgiveness. We both need to forgive ourselves and each other. Yet when I look at him face to face, I feel the pain, the hurt, the rejection. I think that comes down to me though, not him. I value him. I think he’s an amazing man.

    Perhaps I should tell him to phone me, rather than chatting.



  94.  #94Tracy on March 31, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Thanks Rori for the clarification….i feel its more aunthetic to take the feelings with us as well as the memories as you put it….it feels less draining…thanks for making it more clear..i feel like a light bulb moment just happened and it it feels relaxing….there is so much to learn each day..baby steps i guess but i feel so much happier to be learning so much about myself…
    i feel that the relationship with my friends and family is so much better now and i feel that i am more honest and authentic and more feminine…my primary problem was speaking my truth….i feel i should work more on these…just through feeling messages express how i feel at each given time…i will put focus on that today…
    i also loved what u said about touching objects….feels intriguing…will try that too….

    Hugs,

    Tracy



  95.  #95vikki on April 24, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    My solemate died on 4 March 2009……………i need help……do i go in the road trip we had panned on taking? i am soooooooooooo lost.



  96.  #96Lisalisa on April 24, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I think I see more how I am responsible for a lot of our issues. Not feeling emotionally safe, to be able to tell him if I was upset or not, not learning how to argue effectively, avoiding things rather than getting them out. And now he is gone.



  97.  #97Rori Raye on April 24, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Vikki, Welcome, and my heart goes out to you. Feeling lost is the totally okay place to be – and there’s really nothing I or anyone or even you can say or do that will change the way you’re feeling from sad to glad so fast. This will be an up and down time for you.

    I wish you the best “ups” you can discover, and the most profound and emotionally healing “downs.” I would recommend you get some books around what you’re going through – Aurora Winter wrote From Heartbreak To Happiness – it might be helpful.

    If you take the trip and change your mind halfway through – that’s fine. If you take the trip and go to the end of it – that’s fine. If you stay home, that’s fine. You’re going to have to find your way through this by following what FEELS GOOD.

    Please get professional help or join a support group or go to a place of worship if that feels good, and try doing only what feels good as much as you can. Love, Rori