The Rori Raye Mantra Neutralizes Your Inner “Fear” Debate

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IMG_0913Why do we hold ourselves back? From love, from money, from fun, from adventure?

Well – “Fear” is the simple answer here.

Or – is it really the most complicated answer?

And what if “blaming Fear” is really not much of an answer at all?

So, if we step aside from the simple/complicated Fear “answer” – where do we go?

Let’s go back to the Rori Raye Mantra.

This is where it all started for me, and where it still lives:

Trust Your Boundaries

Follow Your Feelings

Choose Your Words

Be Surprised.

Said in a more personal way:

I Trust My Boundaries

I Follow My Feelings

I Choose My Words

I Am Surprised

If I feel solid inside (where my “Boundaries” are, like the Modern Siren “Rock”), I no longer need armor on my outside.

If I follow my feelings – hear them, feel them, sink into them, experience them – I no longer need to “make stuff up” or “figure stuff out.”

If I choose my words, I no longer have to bounce between either “spewing everything out,” or “stuffing everything down.” I have Scripts and options.

If I allow myself to be surprised, I no longer have to control a man.

For me, everything I need is here…

Love, Rori

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98 Comments

  1.  #1Lilybelly on October 29, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    Well timed, Rori.



  2.  #2T-Girl on October 29, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    Wow. Very simply stated yet so powerful. Thank you.



  3.  #3T-Girl on October 29, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    My thoughts about using feeling messages (discussion from other thread).

    They are hard for me too. And since they are, I really have to think about them which ALSO means I am thinking before I speak. This is a good thing.



  4.  #4IamHis on October 29, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Feeling surprised feels good…



  5.  #5Femininewoman on October 30, 2015 at 2:19 am

    My challenge is in believing everything I need is here.



  6.  #6Turquoise on October 30, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Trust my boundaries…. I feel I may need to work on this one. I’m not sure I have steadfast boundaries…. More like a lot of grey area also called flexibility and if/then situations. Hmmmm. I have a lot of armor, I know I do. Wondering how to work all that out. Time to clean and put some music on. I’ll think about what my boundaries are. All that’s coming to mind are like worst case scenarios. No married men, no drugs, no addicts. I’m not sure I trust anyone really…. So, not sure what to do with that.



  7.  #7Zara on October 30, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    6 Turquoise

    *****No married men, no drugs, no addicts..*****

    Those are requirements rather than boundaries.

    ***** I’m not sure I trust anyone really…. So, not sure what to do with that*****

    When I trust my boundaries, I feel trustful.

    I trust my boundaries => I know my boundaries will send a signal to be felt when my boundaries are about to be pushed. As long as I feel peaceful, I know my boundaries are intact.

    I follow my feeling => My feelings are the signals sent by my boundaries to make sure I don’t lose sight of my boundaries.
    I don’t feel comfortable, for example.

    I chose my words => I use feeling messages to share my being state.
    I chose words to describe my inner feelings. I do not chose words to describe who I think he is.
    I chose words to share what I don’t want without judging him for wanting what I don’t want.
    No matter what, I trust I am able to feel when to speak up.

    Be surprised => From there, I feel free to experiment life the heart opened to what may come. I can let go of the illusion of control, knowing I can choose to take a different direction at any step I take.

    xxx



  8.  #8Lilybelly on October 30, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    So today, J spoke to me in an unacceptable manner and i told him I don’t want to be talked to in that manner. (Boundary for me.. you can be as triggered as you want but I won’t accept it be taken out on me.) So, he said sure, i just wont talk to you.
    He hasnt said more than five words to me since 1:30 pm. He doesn’t think its wise to talk now.

    I have chalk painted a stool, gone for a walk and am now taking a lavendar and sea salt bath… the sweating it out kind…



  9.  #9Femininewoman on October 31, 2015 at 4:50 am

    Lily reading this I can see how lonely a marriage can be



  10.  #10IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 5:43 am

    ((((Turquoise)))) – I hear you. Trusting can feel so difficult (kind of going through some trust issues myself now.) I’m hearing so much “no” from you, as if you associate boundaries with a closed heart and restrictions. Maybe try asking yourself what you want to say “yes” to? I’m hearing Yes to balance, yes to forgiveness, and yes to a perfectly bright future. I hope seeing good things in your life helps you to trust. You are not alone! <3 <3



  11.  #11Lilybelly on October 31, 2015 at 6:26 am

    Funny though, I’m not feeling lonely. I’m mostly feeling proud of myself. Proud of not engaging in his angst, proud of taking such good care of myself, and proud of keeping my focus on me..

    He is engaging well this morning and it is lovely. I do feel a bit closed but am working on opening myself up more. I feel fear in that but also am learning to trust my boundaries.

    I used to feel so heartbroken when J would go through these periods. They are so awful for him. I have learned that the best thing to do for ME is to stay focused on myself. I could have saved myself a lot of heart pain had I remembered what I knew from these teachings before but I am feeling stronger and re- remembering.

    I also know help for me is just a few keystrokes away.



  12.  #12Emerson on October 31, 2015 at 6:44 am

    So refreshing Rori thank you



  13.  #13Emerson on October 31, 2015 at 6:46 am

    Follow my feelings… This is huge for me in learning to trust my instincts and feelings….
    And the key partner in this in my view is trusting boundaries also….



  14.  #14Turquoise on October 31, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Thank you IamHis, I guess I do associate boundaries with restrictions. Sometimes I feel like I have this all figured out…. And others I feel like a big mess. My biggest fear seems to be looking foolish…. As if I trust someone and they didn’t deserve it. Working on letting that go.

    So sirens, tell me your boundaries please. I feel like I’m over complicating that idea… But also feel unsure what mine are.



  15.  #15IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 9:04 am

    I feel really teary. I love my tears. I love my fear. I always fall for the guys that everyone wants. & a lot of times, they want me too. But there’s always one other girl…

    It felt like he was picking me.

    It always feels like they’re picking me.

    But it’s like. ..I struggle with picking them.

    Because the royal SHE is always there, for when I get scared or messed up.

    And I’m so angry that she exists.

    I want to be the royal SHE, the chosen one, the one who gets to feel scared and mess up and withdraw a little and see how I Feel without him & with him & without him again.

    And then with him…because I miss him so much right now.

    & it’s not wrong to miss him. It’s okay to miss him. The good stuff. & it’s okay to feel scared of the unknown. & it’s okay to make two to two million mistakes, and to not get left for it.

    I just don’t want to get left. I don’t want to feel like you care, but that you didn’t choose me. I don’t want to feel like you won’t be there when I need you, because I do need you sometimes. But I also need to know that I feel okay alone, but that when I need and want you, you’ll be there.

    I need to be able to mess up and feel scared and to feel angry and even to feel happy without fear of getting left.



  16.  #16IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 9:08 am

    I’m feeling ignored and invisible and I feel livid that I don’t know the real emotion beneath it all.

    They all leave me, but sometimes I leave them because I can’t take being a second choice or being an option. And I know in my core that I have my own options.

    It feels like I’m choosing him, but how is he supposed to know it?



  17.  #17IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 9:15 am

    I just don’t know how to choose men and to communicate to them that I’m choosing them.

    It feels like at the exact moment that I’m feeling this…whatever this huge soup of emotions is that I struggle to name…this feels like the moment or the series of moments where I get left.

    Here in the fear and the uncertainty and the health issues.

    These three things always seem to combine.



  18.  #18IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 9:18 am

    I choose to love this little girl. Who is so used to getting left that she simply expects it. The whole world could leave her, but I won’t.

    I’m just going to sit with her and be with her while she cries…



  19.  #19Lovergirl on October 31, 2015 at 10:00 am

    (((Iamhis))) I feel that way sometimes too.



  20.  #20Lovergirl on October 31, 2015 at 10:06 am

    So the Boring guy is kind of getting on my nerves. He texts me and asks things like “are you thinking about me baby?”. I don’t think about him much at all and to say “yes” in any way is a lie. I guess I feel pressured. I think I’m going to start telling him that, in feeling messages. It seems bitchy and rude to say “I feel pressured when you ask me that” but hey, I might as well practice with someone I’m not into, right?

    Plus the last time I slept with him he asked me, after sex, while we were still naked, “so, have you been working out lately?” like it was an expectation. Actually, I haven’t been working out that much. I’ve been super busy. I know I need to get back on track, but I don’t like the implied criticism. He’s a workout fanatic. I didn’t like the way that felt at all, but I just didn’t say anything. I’m debating whether to say something now, because it almost bothered me so much that I never want to see him again. I don’t want to sleep with anyone that is critical of me when I’m naked.



  21.  #21IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Lover girl maybe he meant it as a good thing? Also, I LOVE that you don’t think about him much that feels empowering to me. Sounds like he is feeling insecure.

    There are several ways you could approach this:

    You could flat out ask him if he’s feeling insecure, though I don’t recommend this, because a lot of men perceive that as weakness and would never admit to it and would instead get all defensive and weird.

    Though it would be kind of hot if a man actually admitted to feeling insecure…



  22.  #22Lovergirl on October 31, 2015 at 10:50 am

    I am pretty sure he meant it negatively. He may have even asked “have you been remembering to work out lately?” I cant remember his exact words but I know they felt bad. I am super sensitive to criticism. If I need to work out more, I am always well aware of it. Im very much a perfectionist and self critical enough. No one needs to tell me how to take care of my own body.

    I finally sent him a text a little bit ago. In it I said I feel pressured when asked if im thinking about someone and I also said I felt criticized when asked if ive been remembering to work out and that it made me feel like not getting naked with him anymore. He hasnt responded yet, but its the blunt honest truth and I just dont really care if I lose this one. Not sure I even want to see him again.



  23.  #23IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Wow, Lovergirl, that was brave. Just remember that while you are communicating your perceptions of what he is doing to you (ex: “pressuring” he’s doing the pressuring. “Criticized” he’s doing the criticizing.)

    Could you explore YOUR emotions underneath what you feel is being done to you?

    Are you doing any of these things to youself, pressuring or critizizing?

    What Are You Really feeling?

    Angry? Scared? Tired?

    Any verbs are not true emotions and therefore not true feeling messages.

    Though you may feel as though certain verbs are being done or not done to you, the emotions are what are going to convey the most meaning and connection to this man.

    You don’t want to blame him or even yourself for your emotions. They are simply messengers trying to help you to figure out what feels healthy and empowering



  24.  #24IamHis on October 31, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Something that helped me was actually to Google a list of emotions and then I could choose all the ones I was feeling.

    Actually, I may do that right now!



  25.  #25Lovergirl on October 31, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Iamhis- thanks. Its hard to decide how I feel other than maybe annoyed about his texts. As far as the comment, its hard to come up with something other than “insulted” but I guess that’s not really a feeling either. Maybe turned off and insecure? I’m not sure I feel safe enough to share that with him though…



  26.  #26Sweetpea on October 31, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    Hey all! It’s been so long since I’ve been here that I don’t remember for sure which email I signed up with – hoping this is the one.

    It’s been a long time since I made an appearance here, but I’ve been having some growing pains and this is my home space for that – in and outside of relationships.

    Rori,
    This post is exactly what I needed to read today, so thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Hi Turquoise, FeminineWoman and LoverGirl,greetings and it’s good to “see” you again! As for everyone I don’t recognize, “HI! It’s nice to meet you!”



  27.  #27Sweetpea on October 31, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Oh, and “Hey!” TGirl, Emerson and Lilybelly!



  28.  #28Azure Blu on October 31, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    ((((IamHis)))
    I believe self Love is THE answer…
    good for you sitting with, and loving,
    YOU… the little girl!



  29.  #29Azure Blu on October 31, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    Lovergirl…
    GREAT job with the feeling messages…

    I started thinking about the word “pressure”
    after reading IamHis’s answer to you…
    I have a cd who says “Do yo miss me?”
    and like you… I say… “Yes” just cause
    i don’t want to hurt his feelings…
    but I don’t really miss him…
    I was thinking “I feel pressure” would be a
    perfect response…
    BUT I see how it is kinda pointing a finger at him
    Sooo… Pressure… with out the “ed”

    I googled “feeling words” nice list!!!!

    I feel warm when he says he misses me…

    I feel unsure, at a loss when RM asks me.
    I feel it’s too soon for me to miss him
    and I feel worried
    because I don’t want to hurt his feelings



  30.  #30Azure Blu on October 31, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    Lillybell #11
    Wow… this all sounds so great
    I feel excited to read how well you are taking care of YOU… and staying out of his business
    and holding FIRM to your boundaries…
    thank you for sharing…
    I learn so much!



  31.  #31Millie on October 31, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    Ladies I need some siren advice…
    A guy online who I am talking to asked me “what makes me smile?” Which is a GREAT question!! And I’m finding myself getting VERY in my head with how I choose to answer. Prior to him asking me this we had a dialog in which he had been expecting playful banter and I had answered with defensiveness. In the moment I began to feel like wow, I’m really bad at flirting! I only know how to flirt by challenging a man and often feel attacked and seek strength by stating my boundaries or using masculine energy. I notice that I am trying very hard not to be vulnerable. Well, he has presented me with the perfect opportunity to use an “I feel…” Statement and sink into my feminine energy but I’m having a hard time. Sure I know what makes me smile, the things, the people, the places, but I’m finding myself overanalyzing what he may want to hear. I want to discover the sensuous, feminine, flirty version of myself and channel her energy to answer… But how do I do that… And get out of my head?



  32.  #32Lilybelly on October 31, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    (((((Sweetpea))))))

    So good to see you. A few of us are recently back..myself included.

    Catch us up!



  33.  #33Lilybelly on October 31, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you, Azure. I feel heard and encouraged by your response.

    I have been craving ribs, you know, the kind that melt in your mouth that you have in the oven all day. So I woke up and decided that today was the day and when asked about my plans I melted all over the place and shared my plan for dinner and running the errands to prepare dinner.

    This led to him offering up a scenario for the evening to watch television together and share dinner. Oh yes please! That would feel lovely and wonderful. He even went in the closet and dressed our dog up in her costume and took her to work with him.

    Anyway, this all led to him texting me and sharing how he felt and what he wanted. He is in pain and really, none of it has anything to do with me but everything to do with his emotional war wounds. He even felt so comfortable that he sent me a text that had his re-commitment vows to me in it. I immediately burst in to tears and thanked him for sharing his heart with me, basically gushing in very feeling messages how he made me feel. I didn’t even know he still had those words he said to me written somewhere. I felt and still feel deeply touched and emotional.

    He also shared a perceived problem that he didn’t think he had a solution to about us seeing his mother tomorrow so I offered a suggestion and suggested that he tell her the truth, that he isn’t feeling like himself, she knows this about him and make alternative plans for next week. I followed it with “what do you think”?

    He responded “I think that is a great idea” and said he would make the plans and take care of the arrangements for the following weekend.

    I had shared how cozy and warm our home is with the candles and the fire place burning and the smell of ribs in the oven. Two hours later he asked if he could come home yet.

    Dinner and tv may sound boring but to me, it feels perfect.



  34.  #34T-Girl on October 31, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    Hi Sweetpea! How are you?



  35.  #35Lilybelly on October 31, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    Millie,

    Have you thought of verbal, visual references to what makes you feel smiley?

    “I feel very smiley when I see children playing together in the park and hearing their laughter will cause me to laugh out loud myself.. the smell of fresh rain and cut grass can make me smile from ear to ear..

    Think about music, food, textures etc..even the simplest things are good. Think about the things that cause you to feel warm and giddy and use that.

    Things that truly make you happy and smiley and then twist it with your words..

    and so on…



  36.  #36T-Girl on October 31, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Lillybelly, awww, your post sounds wonderful and what a nice evening you have ahead of you.



  37.  #37Emerson on October 31, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Hi sweetpea!
    Sirens
    I’m feeling disappointed by friends this week. I know everyone is busy but I wish I had a friend I could really count on.
    I’m so tired of wanting to have dinner with someone instead of eating alone.
    I’m feeling sorry for myself.



  38.  #38Emerson on October 31, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    How is it that I’ve written my own story this way??
    Is that really possible….
    I regret some things from the past like wasting time with the wrong men.
    I intend to avoid my man hating friend for a couple of weeks. I also intend to remain open and waterwheel.
    I may be past society’s prime but many people can’t tell my age.
    So why should I care.
    I need to flip this horrible feeling of doom and gloom, that I will never meet the one.



  39.  #39Sweetpea on October 31, 2015 at 9:32 pm

    Hi TGirl!

    ((((Emerson))))
    So sorry to hear you’re feeling doom and gloom. You can meet the one at any time, any place. “As for “wasting time,” Hell… don’t we all feel that way at times – it’s all lessons learned though, that better prepare us for the one, right?

    LilyBelly,
    Your evening sounds lovely, I hope it felt even more
    so. So much catching up to do.

    I spent some time with my family the last couple of years and put my love life “on hold” after having spent some time with “Marlboro Man.” He wasn’t perfect, but was a great reminder as to how our perceptions shape our worlds. All in all, a great learning experience, and a man who gave me back some hope and taught me a bit more about true love.

    So much has happened. I was in a dinky town in WY for a couple of years and have finally busted out into the Boise, ID area. I’m super excited and exploring life with a Hot Mess of a guy who’s about fifteen years my junior (yikes).

    I just feel as if I have some things to learn from him, and loving the opportunity for growth. More importantly though, spending time with my family after 25 years was a bitter-sweet experience, which in some ways feels wonderful, but in others, feels as if I made a huge step backwards. Which is why this post felt so meaningful to me – it was a fantastic reminder of all I’ve been telling myself the last month or so; laid out on a platter of compassion that I’ve missed so very much.

    xoxox,
    M



  40.  #40Femininewoman on October 31, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Millie it took me a while to get that girl back but I did. It takes constant practice and a conscious decision to be that person.



  41.  #41Femininewoman on October 31, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    Hi Sweetpea



  42.  #42Zara on November 1, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Turquoise

    I love how IamHis applied the flip tool on your requirements.

    To me the word requirement feels open.
    A requirement is whatever I consider necessary to even start experiencing something that feels good. It is like an open book where Universe can read my receipe to make good feeling experiences happen.

    Opposed to the boundary that is the point where the idea of experiencing more of something feels bad. The point where I’d have to abandon myself in order to keep in a situation or to allow something to happen. The point where I say “NO” to feeling bad and I vote for myself.

    I know some of my requirements before I even meet a man. But other requirements pop up to my conscious mind only after I stop a feel bad experience. I take note of what bruised my boundary and I translate it into a new requirement that will keep my boundary untouched.

    *****Trust my boundaries…. I feel I may need to work on this one. I’m not sure I have steadfast boundaries….*****
    *****So sirens, tell me your boundaries please. I feel like I’m over complicating that idea… But also feel unsure what mine are.*****

    I relate to that in this that I don’t know the entire mapping of my boundary. I discover part of it as I bump onto it by accident from time to time. This is why I trust it to be there, inside me. I trust it to work as should because I have bruised it before, I know I have a boundary that will not fail to hurt when I am about to trespass it. I don’t need to know its mapping inside me, what it is made of, why it works the way it works. What I know about my boundary is more than enough to trust it. What I know is I lose my peace when I bruise my boundary. The bad feeling is my signal it’s time to stop what I am doing or time to speak up or time to leave and time to focus on myself to find the inspiration to vote for me.

    To me, my boundary is that magical system I know is working inside me although I don’t know much about it. I trust it is working as should, like I trust I am alive until proven I am not.

    So, really, what I can work on is rather to “feel” my feelings and sensations and translate them. They are the signals my magical inner system is sending to my body for me to take a different direction so I can keep my inner peace.

    It feels freeing to me that I don’t have to worry about defining my boundary. All I have to do is to put words on my feelings and sensations and follow them.
    Well, when I say “all I have to do” , I don’t mean that putting words on feelings is not work. I know it is a work not for the faint-hearted.
    What I mean by “all I have to do” is I feel relieved I don’t have to figure out the complete mapping of my boundary. I don’t have to judge the man in front of me nor do I have to judge myself in order to keep my inner peace. I don’t have to keep control. I don’t have to built walls up, rules, generalisations. I have to do NOTHING but to follow my feelings. Step after step. They guide me to stay inside my boundary, however this boundary is mapped.

    Thanks G*d for that, because I now know that my boundary mapping keeps morphing as I grow in life.

    xxx



  43.  #43Zara on November 1, 2015 at 8:40 am

    From my post above *****They guide me to stay inside my boundary, however this boundary is mapped. *****

    That meant to read : “They guide me to stay inside my boundary, no matter what the mapping of this boundary might look like”.

    xxx



  44.  #44Zara on November 1, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Lilybelly

    I feel mesmerised by your testimony.

    xxx



  45.  #45T-Girl on November 1, 2015 at 9:19 am

    My husband just had his tonsils removed and is really laid up. I know how much pain he is in because I had this same surgery 10 years ago and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The thing is, I feel so like his mother right now. I know, selfish right? I know this is temporary, but I still don’t like it.



  46.  #46Lilybelly on November 1, 2015 at 10:30 am

    I had this done at 29 and it was worse than childbirth. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have had it done, T-girl.

    Bless his heart. I, too, know how awful this is.



  47.  #47Lilybelly on November 1, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Zara,

    Thank you. I know if i can stay in myself, pay attention to me, take care of me, I can only become stronger and more open.

    I learn so much from your writings. Please share more!

    Xoxo



  48.  #48Lovergirl on November 1, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Today, exactly NINE weeks from our last conversation, I got a text from S asking how I am doing. It brought up all kinds of emotions in me. I’m sad. I’m still hurting. I thought I was getting better but it hurts to hear from him. I didn’t tell him that though. I just said I was doing pretty well and asked how he is. He said pretty good too and that he is glad to hear it. I mentioned a few things about my job and how well stuff is there and he congratulated me. That was it. I don’t know if I should have said more. I feel raw…. like the wound just got cut open again. 🙁



  49.  #49April Rose on November 1, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    ((((Lovergirl))))



  50.  #50April Rose on November 1, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    T-Girl

    Aw, bless him. I reckon you can simply enjoy fussing him and taking care of him. You both know that it is only a temporary reversal of roles.

    I look forward to having little bouts of ‘mothering’ my beloved (or how about making the role into ‘sexy nurse’?) I reckon it could open a new avenue of intimacy.



  51.  #51Dixie on November 1, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Zara 42:

    “I relate to that in this that I don’t know the entire mapping of my boundary. I discover part of it as I bump onto it by accident from time to time. This is why I trust it to be there, inside me. I trust it to work as should because I have bruised it before, I know I have a boundary that will not fail to hurt when I am about to trespass it. I don’t need to know its mapping inside me, what it is made of, why it works the way it works. What I know about my boundary is more than enough to trust it. What I know is I lose my peace when I bruise my boundary. The bad feeling is my signal it’s time to stop what I am doing or time to speak up or time to leave and time to focus on myself to find the inspiration to vote for me.

    To me, my boundary is that magical system I know is working inside me although I don’t know much about it. I trust it is working as should, like I trust I am alive until proven I am not.

    So, really, what I can work on is rather to “feel” my feelings and sensations and translate them. They are the signals my magical inner system is sending to my body for me to take a different direction so I can keep my inner peace.”

    Zara, thank you so much for posting that. Today, I’ve been reaching out past my boundary and it felt awful. Thank you for reminding me to just trust my heart. Xx



  52.  #52T-Girl on November 1, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Ooh, sexy nurse, I like that idea!



  53.  #53Azure Blu on November 1, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    ((((Lovergirl))))
    Awww… I feel very sad hearing you are hurting so much!!!
    it would be painful for me too…
    oxoxo



  54.  #54Dixie on November 1, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    ((((Lover girl))))). Breathe Lovergirl, we are all here for you.

    I’ve been away for a bit but catching up here now and I’ve missed you all so much.

    I had a very unsettling experience at work with a coworker and had to leave early. I was shaken and crying afterwards, but thanks to these boards, I was able to say “You have to leave now. I feel unsafe.”

    I’ve felt like a trembling mess all weekend and finally tonight, my insides feel steadier and calmer. I don’t react well to shouting and yelling, and I’m not one who can easily yell back. D. has been rubber banding and honestly, how wonderful would it feel to be with a man who wanted to scoop me up and hug me close after a terrible day at work….

    I’ve been staying on my horse, and focusing on myself, what makes me happy… But this weekend, I felt like a girl who just needed the masculinity of a man.

    A male colleague called to see if I was okay, and I practiced just opening up my heart and letting all those weepy feelings show. I’m normally the alpha in that relationship but letting him take the lead, ask if I was okay, and letting him reassure me and give me advice…. Well, D is not here regularly, but opening up to this colleague reminded me how sexy and attractive a man is to me when he is caring and consistent.

    My heart really misses D, everything is feeling slightly off these weeks, and I am praying to the universe to give me a sign. Sirens, it’s feeling weird, like I’m outgrowing this right now, and it feels scary and bittersweet but not awful.

    Does any of this resonate?



  55.  #55Azure Blu on November 1, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    April Rose…
    I too love this:
    “I look forward to having little bouts of ‘mothering’ my beloved (or how about making the role into ‘sexy nurse’?) I reckon it could open a new avenue of intimacy.”
    short bouts of “mothering” and sexy nurse
    can most certainly open up new avenues of intimacy
    IF I let them!!!
    Sooo lovely!!!
    Thank you



  56.  #56Azure Blu on November 1, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    Zara!!!’
    It is sooo helpful to read all this about boundaries..
    I soo LOVE…
    “What I know is I lose my peace when I bruise my boundary. The bad feeling is my signal it’s time to stop what I am doing or time to speak up or time to leave and time to focus on myself to find the inspiration to vote for me.”
    and that my boundaries DO morph…
    That helps alot to understand that…
    Thank you Zara!!



  57.  #57Millie on November 1, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    Lovergirl!!! I feel you…
    How sweet he thought to text you though!!!!
    Much love and warmth to you!



  58.  #58heroine on November 1, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    Dear Rori,

    The guy I was dating ended things with me…we had a fight and I leaned back but didnt hear from him for three weeks.
    Then I texted him last Thursday and he seemed keened and texted me in the night that he missed me and wanted to see me the next day. But then the next day he texted saying he was just drunk and that he didnt plan on seeing me and I should move on…
    I felt shocked and sad and well after that it was just a downward spiral of me texting and calling and him not responding…
    I feel bummed out and even though he has ignored me – I still feel like chasing after him…I feel so sad – do you think he will call or write me again?
    Give me some advice please…



  59.  #59heroine on November 1, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Would someone help me please



  60.  #60heroine on November 1, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    I feel like I’m drowning
    My heart hurts – I feel a deep sense of pain
    I feel unloved
    I feel not good enough…I feel teary-eyes
    I feel scared
    I feel so alone



  61.  #61Femininewoman on November 2, 2015 at 1:46 am

    (((((((((((heroine)))))))))))



  62.  #62Dixie on November 2, 2015 at 2:29 am

    Sirens,

    It’s funny how the universe works, what we attract.

    Yesterday, moments after I typed this:

    “how wonderful would it feel to be with a man who wanted to scoop me up and hug me close after a terrible day at work….
    I [feel like a girl who just needed the masculinity of a man.
    …how sexy and attractive a man is to me when he is caring and consistent.”

    Moments later D. texted full of concern and protectiveness.

    I’m LOVING the lessons I’m learning here….

    I received a few upsetting emails related to the work confrontation on Friday, and a colleague helped me find feeling messages to go forward:

    “I feel uncomfortable talking to you. I do not want to talk to you.” “I do not feel safe in talking in you.”

    Flipped, the same messages in my heart read like this:

    “It would feel good and satisfying to have a positive work relationship with x.”
    “It feels good to be able to communicate my boundaries in a assertive but calm manner.”

    breathe, breathe, breathe…



  63.  #63Dixie on November 2, 2015 at 2:33 am

    Lillybelly 33: How wonderful! Your story made me feel so happy! You seemed so grounded in yourself and your desires…. Yay for you!!



  64.  #64heroine on November 2, 2015 at 2:40 am

    (sorry reposting – I used the wrong email the first time)

    Dear Rori,

    The guy I was dating ended things with me…we had a fight and I leaned back but didnt hear from him for three weeks.
    Then I texted him last Thursday and he seemed keened and texted me in the night that he missed me and wanted to see me the next day. But then the next day he texted saying he was just drunk and that he didnt plan on seeing me and I should move on…
    I felt shocked and sad and well after that it was just a downward spiral of me texting and calling and him not responding…
    I feel bummed out and even though he has ignored me – I still feel like chasing after him…I feel so sad – do you think he will call or write me again?
    Give me some advice please…



  65.  #65Dixie on November 2, 2015 at 2:46 am

    Heroine,

    Most of us have felt those same heart-wrenching feelings and have gone through the same actions…I know, none of it feels good.

    When I get those same awful feelings, I don’t fight them anymore. I sink into them, like a duvet, cry my heart out, and then remind myself that I can come out of it whenever I want to feel better. Knowing that I have that choice lets me sit with the bad feelings until they’ve calmed down, “feeding them a cookie” if you will.

    If you’ve been reading some of the comments here, you’ll see Zara’s excellent take on boundaries. Dear heroine (what a perfect name!) trust YOUR boundaries by paying attention to your feelings, in your heart, and the sensations in your body.

    I’m sure Rori will respond to you, but in the meantime, if this was me talking to myself, I would say to take baby steps, reach out to things and people that give me moments of pleasure and little simple joys. It feels SO hard at first, but it take my mind off the insidious constant wheel of “him him him him him” and puts the focus back on soothing myself.

    You are definitely NOT alone here ((((heroine)))



  66.  #66heroine on November 2, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Thank you Dixie…for the comfort…
    I feel tired and drained right now…it feels calmer and peaceful…I spent myself out for the day…I’m going to bask in the sheets and pillow and enjoy this reprieve- who knows when the storm will start brewing again.
    Dixie – thank you for the Empty …I apprectiate your contribution.

    Thanks FeminineWoman for the bear hug



  67.  #67heroine on November 2, 2015 at 7:09 am

    It feels good to know that others are experiencing the same feelings…
    It feel a little less alone in my sadness…
    Right now – I’m in the eye of the hurricane…the sounds in the room feel like a lullaby.
    Relief is flowing and flooding my chest …like a little brook has found it’s way to my heart…Beat heart beat ❤️



  68.  #68Lovergirl on November 2, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Thanks everyone. I cried for a good couple of hours yesterday. It hurt way more than I expected. I thought I was okay. I finally told him that I felt raw and sad and that I’d been trying to push him out of my mind. He said he wasn’t trying to stir up anything and that he had to go. 🙁 I told him it felt good to hear from him and I’m happy he is okay but it just brought up a lot of feelings that haven’t gone away and I hope he has a good day. That may scare him off from contacting me again but maybe that is a good thing. It just really hurt.



  69.  #69Lilybelly on November 2, 2015 at 8:37 am

    (((Lovergirl)))

    It feels so hard when they resurface.



  70.  #70Lilybelly on November 2, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Thank you, Dixie.

    I am workibg on beconing more groubded, on boundaries, on sinking into and expressing my feelings with grace and compassion.

    Every day is an adventure but the important thing is that I am working on me.

    I so appreciate your response to me.



  71.  #71Lilybelly on November 2, 2015 at 8:40 am

    Darn kindle.

    Ugh.



  72.  #72Millie on November 2, 2015 at 9:30 am

    I had this wildly intense conversation with a man I had only been texting up to now. We have not met. I went along with something I knew I didn’t want to do but felt curious. (Sending sexual pictures) I sent one and of course when he asked for more, I felt that feeling of No.

    I feel disappointed in myself because I didn’t communicate clearly with him, I disregarded my own boundaries…and when I expressed that to him he called me and we talked about it for awhile. The conversation was intensely triggering and he said that “I am stuck in my own head.” Basically he was very spot on with what I’m going through right now, trying to get into my feminine energy and yet wanting to protect myself from harm. The whole conversation made me feel like I’m this broken crazy person. He even asked me if I’m bipolar!!!!! I was so offended!!! Anyway, the thing I hate about this process is how men make me feel… When they point out what’s wrong with me. Ok then don’t date me… And then he hung up on me twice because I got offended. It was a very dramatic and heated conversation, but at the same time it was very real and truthful. He is a very passionate man who cared enough to talk on the phone rather than keep texting. I don’t know what to do, I just feel like the moment things get weird I want to call it off. I run away rather than deal with things. Maybe being alone is a better choice for me right now…. Or maybe this is what I need…somebody calling me out on stuff.



  73.  #73Femininewoman on November 2, 2015 at 10:29 am

    Millie the thing about sexual pictures is I believe you are not safe doing that. It can end up anywhere on the web. I was watching a Dating Den video with Marni Batista just last week where she and her male host were advising against it. They say a quality man would not be pushing for pictures.



  74.  #74Millie on November 2, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Femininewoman– I agree. I don’t think a quality man would send girls he hasn’t met photos of himself naked. I told this man that and he said I was judging him and that he feels comfortable in his sexuality and feels it is important to share up front. I don’t know if it’s me being jaded, but I can’t help feeling like he was trying to convince me… Trying to downplay things…. I don’t know. He sounds very forward thinking but also I’m scared it’s just manipulative. We will see if he continues talking to me after that crazy conversation.



  75.  #75Lilybelly on November 2, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Naked pictures, when I was dating, was a huge flag for me.

    I don’t believe that a quality man woukd even approach a woman with that type of agenda. It caused and still causes all my warning bells to go off. I feel a pit in my stomach for you, Millie.

    I would totally not have any further communucation with him.



  76.  #76Lovergirl on November 2, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    The millionaire guy texted me today to say he’s going to be in town later in the week, but only for a day. He wants to see me and I warned him that I will probably be on my period (since the last two times we had sex). He said we don’t have to have sex, that he can just take me out to dinner!! I’m so totally amazed at how smoothly this is going and how sweet he has been! Somebody pinch me! Lol



  77.  #77Lovergirl on November 2, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    Millie-

    What bothers me more than the naked pictures thing is that he was critical of you before even meeting. That feels icky. Also, the thought of drama before even meeting feels exhausting….



  78.  #78April Rose on November 2, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Millie,

    I want to echo what Lovergirl has said.

    And in the light of that, what you wrote here
    “We will see if he continues talking to me after that crazy conversation”
    is making your value drop in your own eyes. It comes across as you waiting on his response rather than formulating your own.

    How do YOU feel about that conversation? How did you feel in yourself while you talked with him?
    Yes, let’s grant him the fact that at least he called you instead of continuing to text, and so he has gained one point there. But YOU get to call how MANY points a guy has to gain before he has the privilege of even becoming a candidate to pursue you.

    Come on girl, you are the prize here, you are the Queen!! What are your requirements that a suitor must fulfil before you entertain his advances.

    As I’m writing this I’m feeling a surge of sparkly energy around my heart. I am writing down the very thing I needed to hear myself.

    I want to be the author of my own life. Respond to men, yes. But not make a man the author of MY life.

    I have been getting things muddled up.

    My horses reins are safe only in my own hands.



  79.  #79April Rose on November 2, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    I feel inspired to create a point system.



  80.  #80Millie on November 2, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    April Rose– when I wrote “we will see if he talks to me..” I didn’t mean it as i am not the prize. I meant it more in amusement. But I can see how you would think that’s what I meant. I know I have a lot to work on, part of that is being able to stay strong in my boundaries and trust my guy… But I do beleive without a doubt that I am the prize.



  81.  #81Millie on November 2, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    And I did formulate a response!! I told him how he made me feel and I told him what I was looking for! I stood up for myself… This guy made some good points, but overall… Not for me. I feel like I am being seen as less than I am because I am.



  82.  #82Lovergirl on November 2, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Yay for standing up for yourself and telling him how you feel Millie!! 🙂 That’s awesome!



  83.  #83Millie on November 2, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    April rose— I am 100% the author of my own life.



  84.  #84Millie on November 2, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Oops I just saw a typo. **less than I am. ” period.



  85.  #85Millie on November 3, 2015 at 1:01 am

    So that guy did text me back and asked if I was going to “visit him tonight?”

    To me, that sounds like him inviting me over to his house… Am I wrong?!

    I tell him I already have plans tonight and he asks when I can
    “Come see him?” What?…… I said I prefer the first meeting to be somwhere public, that I don’t go to men’s homes for the first meeting.

    He then calls me negative for reading it that way and says he said nothing about his home…. Ok true, but it was definitely implied.

    If anything this experience makes me really appreciate men who do listen and want to care for a woman and make her feel safe.



  86.  #86Victoria on November 3, 2015 at 2:18 am

    Oh Millie,
    That sounds so annoying. Sounds like a stupid game he is playing.
    Reminds me of my own situations, in which I was waiting for someone to plan a proper date, and I was being an invitation, etc., but he did not seem to ever get it.
    RRRRRRRR, I get so frustrated.
    please no more time wasters



  87.  #87Azure Blu on November 3, 2015 at 3:19 am

    Millie!!! Yay YOU!!!!
    I LOVE how you are totally practicing with this guy!
    Practicing using your feeling messages…
    Holding YOUR boundaries
    and Keeping YOU as THE Prize!!

    —-Next!!! —

    Great job…
    thanks for sharing!



  88.  #88April Rose on November 3, 2015 at 9:30 am

    Millie,

    I fell chuffed that you are 100% the author of your own life.
    I am still working on it.
    I have many knee-jerk reflexes and habitual reactions that often catch me out and make we wait to see what the other person does before I decide what I want.
    My last big relationship happened simply because the man wanted me so much. I was completely won over by that. I did not take time to assess if he was good relationship material at that time. When we broke up five years later it was painful for me, as I had made a big investment after being ‘won over’.
    Even though I can see that we weren’t an easy fit while we were together, I still dream of him coming to pursue me again with the same passion.

    I’m not trying to make a point here. I’m just fiffing. And in the process I find myself remembering to go gently next time and not make an investment until I am really clued up about all aspects of the relationship.



  89.  #89April Rose on November 3, 2015 at 9:31 am

    Riffing, not fiffing. Lol!



  90.  #90April Rose on November 3, 2015 at 9:32 am

    I feel chuffed, not I fell chuffed. Lol again!

    By the way, do my transatlantic sisters use the word ‘chuffed’? Or is it an English colloquialism?



  91.  #91April Rose on November 3, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Chuffed means really pleased.



  92.  #92Indigo on November 3, 2015 at 10:56 am

    April Rose,

    We use the word chuffed here in South Africa… a lot of our colloquialisms are the same as yours.



  93.  #93Indigo on November 3, 2015 at 11:04 am

    heroine 58 & 60,

    I’ve been there. I’m sure many of the other sirens have too. You have a fight or misunderstanding with a man, he does his man thing and withdraws, and this triggers your need to explain, apologise, try to talk to him, offload… whatever.

    The thing is, as I am sure you have seen, this never works to draw him in or bring him back as you hope it would. If anything, it just edges him slightly further away. The only way is to learn a new way of being and communicating with men. If I can do it, I assure you anyone can. The best thing to do if he’s broken it off with you is say “ok” and LEAVE HIM alone. Take your focus off of him, put it back onto you and anything which feels fun and good. Don’t contact him. There is a chance this may turn things around but it’s no guarantee. Take care of you though. That is your first priority 🙂



  94.  #94Femininewoman on November 3, 2015 at 11:35 am

    Yeah but Lovergirl why are you assuming that he wanted sex? Why not just assume that he just wants to be with you rather than warn him ahead of time? I dunno it just seems to be establishing a pattern.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on November 3, 2015 at 11:54 am

    Millie I believe he was clearly inviting you to his home.



  96.  #96Lovergirl on November 3, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    Femininewoman- because we had totally amazing, through the roof, wonderful sex last time and I would be happy to do it again, but probably not while on my period, lol. I warned him because he’s only going to be in town for 1 day and I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I see your point though.



  97.  #97Azure Blu on November 3, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    April Rose
    Here in the States we don’t use the term :chuffed”
    Thank you for translating…
    I had no idea what it might mean!!
    I thought it meant something more negative!
    :-))



  98.  #98Mary on November 5, 2015 at 7:07 am

    Azure Blue and FeminineWoman and anyone else who greeted me, I am learning to navigate here as a participant, not just an observer anymore! I see now my comment was posted.
    I already feel so welcome, thank you.
    I am currently going through a divorce, been separated for 6 months, but emotionally divorced for about 3 years. He has been dating, and I also met someone with whom I became very involved over the past 2 years. This man recently was transferred 1000 miles away due to military service. He hinted around about me finding a job there and moving to join him. Since I am not divorced yet and was a bit unsure of the place (much further north and brutal winters, I hear) I hesitated…I made plans in my own mind to visit as much as possible and decide later about moving. I didn’t really share with him how often I wanted to see him or any details. I assumed it would be okay whatever I decided…oops…It seems he wants me closer, to live near enough to see him on a regular basis, but not just to visit once a month or so. He can’t afford to pay for my travel (I would pay for my own, but he says it would make him feel like dirt.) He thinks it would be a financial strain on me, even though I have assured him it wouldn’t.
    Honestly, it would be a stretch, but I am willing to do it. At first, I thought he was pushing me away. Later I came to the conclusion that my visiting once in a while would be too difficult. He gets very stressed by strong emotional scenes. I could imagine every time I left, how sad I would be and how it would affect him. His job is also unpredictable. We could plan a weekend visit and then he might be required to work at the last minute.
    I was really upset about not visiting. I had leaned way forward, checked on flights and everything without talking to him about it first. I am trying not to row the boat now, and we’re dead in the water. I talked about what I wanted and he said it was impossible long distance. Now nobody is rowing the boat and I am struggling to allow him. Hoping he steps up. I am starting to circular date, as distasteful as it is, because my anxiety about not doing something is driving me crazy. It does help me to defocus from him.