The Rori Raye Mantra

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0608263003-copyBecause it’s so easy to interpret my Tools, especially Feeling Messages, in a kind of “stand-alone” way that doesn’t give you the full power of them, and can be confusing if you don’t really know, understand and practice the Tool as it’s laid out for you in the Have The Relationship You Want ebook and all of my programs – I  wanted to refresh the core of the Rori Raye Method: The Rori Raye Mantra.

I was recently directed to a web post where my “Feeling Messages” were described as encouraging a woman to express herself anytime and anyway she wants, with whatever subject or “small thing” bothers her…even if it means berating her partner…

This is, of course, not what Feeling Messages are at all. (Especially not the “berating” part – which is specifically “forbidden” by the entire Rori Raye Method.)

For me, the confusion is cleared up simply by the Mantra.

When you read the third line, “Choose Your Words” – after the second line “Follow Your Feelings” – then you know how the whole Mantra pulls all my Tools together, how they work together.

None of my Tools are a “rule for how to be.” All the Tools work together. If a Tool is taken out of context of the entire “system” (or even out of context of the Have The Relationship You Want ebook….) – it’s easy to end up “guessing” or “assuming” what it means and how it works.

It’s like the game of “Telephone.” By the time the third person in the circle hears the whispered message, it’s mangled. And by the time the last person hears it – it’s completely unrecognizable.

You have to read it, watch it, hear it, practice it all for yourself to see how it works for you.

If you’re not already getting my free newsletters – please sign up for those in the sidebar on the right – and you’ll get my Five Free Heart Connection Tools – The Mantra, plus Translations, The Rowboat, Appreciate Men, and Appreciate Yourself

Here’s The Rori Raye Mantra:

Trust Your Boundaries
Follow Your Feelings
Choose Your Words
Be Surprised

Well, what does that mean?

When you use the Mantra and the Rori Raye Tools, you are actually REVERSING EVERYTHING you always thought about how to be in a relationship.

Most of us never learned to trust ourselves, so we try to hide our real emotions, speak to our men in ways they can’t hear, and try to control our men and our relationships.

The Mantra teaches you how to stand up for yourself by believing in the strength and goodness of your boundaries, how to find your real feelings and express them in words a man can hear, and how to have a soul connection with a man by allowing yourself to be VULNERABLE.

Small changes — sometimes just in the language you use — can often turn a relationship completely around

A Mantra can be something you repeat to yourself over and over, or it can be something like “The Golden Rule.”

The Rori Raye Mantra is meant to be pasted on your wall, attached to your mirror, kept in your purse, and listened to in your ipod.

It’s meant to replace the regular way most of us do things – holding back, watching ourselves and trying to “act” cool, sexy, smart and funny.

It’s meant to help us take down those walls we put up around our hearts and around ourselves because we’re afraid to be hurt one more time.

It’s meant to help you trust yourself so much, feel so good about yourself – that you’re willing to try something completely new to have what you want.

It’s meant to help you say to the world “I believe in myself, I believe in love, and I believe I can have what I want.”

First, you TRUST YOUR BOUNDARIES.

And you do it just by saying to yourself “I trust my boundaries.”

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

Well, actually, it is!

We’ve just all gotten used to people telling us we don’t know what we’re doing.

We’re used to telling OURSELVES that we don’t know what we’re doing.

We’re used to running ourselves down and listening to our friends run themselves down.

We’re used to thinking we’re always making mistakes in love and always will.

That we always pick the wrong men, or say or do the “wrong thing.”

Well, that’s just not true.

We may have made mistakes in the past.

And who doesn’t make mistakes?

I certainly make mistakes.

I make them all the time.

If I spent half -a-day going over in my mind and beating myself up after every mistake I made, it would take up all my energy and all my time.

And I can remember a time when I did just that.

I remember spending so much time and energy going over my mistakes and either trying so hard not to make another one that I put hard walls around myself, blocked my intuition and feelings, and walked into situations with men, or just pretty much sat life out in order to avoid even the possibility of making the same mistake.

If that sounds familiar, you’re absolutely not alone.

And I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to do that anymore.

You just decide – that’s right – DECIDE that you trust yourself.

You say – out loud if you can – “I trust myself.”

Doesn’t matter if you believe it or not when you say it.

(We all have that nasty Voice inside our heads that keeps telling us we’re not worth trusting ourselves – and IT’S LYING!!! – More about that in later e-letters.)

You just say it.

And you say more about it, specifics that will help you believe you can trust yourself.

You say: “I know I will not knowingly toss my pearls before swine, throw myself beneath the wheels of an onrushing truck or a man who means me no good.”

And more: “I know I won’t deliberately lead myself into danger, hide from the truth, or go along with or tolerate something that feels bad and is damaging to me.”

“Now,” you say, “I can move to my feelings.”

This is the part that will truly change your life.

Now, you FOLLOW YOUR FEELINGS

Since a Mantra is something you say or repeat to yourself, you say to yourself: “I follow my feelings.”

“I follow my emotions around my body and into my heart because they are my compass in the world.”

“I love my feelings and know that I must go where I am, be where I am, feel what I feel, and go through the feeling if I want to feel better.”

Finding Feelings is a major chapter in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want.

It will help you get to your feelings so you can take the next step, which is to:

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS.

This means putting words to feelings.

It’s about speaking to a man in words he can hear, that will engage him and draw him in.

We were all taught to speak to men in certain ways.

And most of these ways are about criticism, or guiding them, or making suggestions, or flat-out trying to improve them.

And none of that works.

Talking with men in the old way we’ve all learned just pushes them away.

It’s like poking them with a stick.

And trying to improve men, or improve your own life just by telling them how to improve themselves will never make you happy.

Asking for things from men will never make you happy.

Because when you tell him what to do, or what you want – what he hears is that you’re not happy.

He doesn’t mind hearing you say you’re angry, or sad, or tired, or hungry, or even feeling down and weak.

He gets that those are just your feelings.

But when you try to get something from him – all he hears is that you’re not happy with him.

And he pulls away.

Because telling them what to do and what you want will never make HIM happy enough to want to make YOU happy!

The Rori Raye way to speak to men is clear, clean, from your heart, and all about YOU – not HIM.

It’s all about speaking the feelings you follow in the second line of the Mantra.

And when you speak from your heart, in simple words a man can hear, that are all about you, he’ll not only hear you – he’ll come closer to you.

You now say: “I choose my words. I am committed to clear, direct, feeling based communication. I honor my feelings by expressing them from my heart without trying to influence or attack my man.”

And now, you LET GO OF THE RESULT.

That’s right. You trust yourself, Follow your feelings around your body, Speak your feelings, and then you’re done!

Now you can BE SURPRISED.

You say to yourself: “I allow every moment to be a surprise. I don’t have to know every outcome, I don’t have to manage every situation, I don’t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don’t have to know what my man is going to say or do next.

Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? To not care what happens after you say how you feel (In words you’ll learn in the book)?

You say to yourself: “Because I know what I will not tolerate (I Trust my boundaries), because I can feel what I feel (I follow my Feelings), because I’ve stated clearly what I feel and don’t want (I Choose my words), I can let go of control (I can be Surprised!).

Love, Rori

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450 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Mantra time



  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:23 am

    “I allow every moment to be a surprise. I don’t have to know every outcome, I don’t have to manage every situation, I don’t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don’t have to know what my man is going to say or do next.

    Because I know what I will not tolerate (I Trust my boundaries), because I can feel what I feel (I follow my Feelings), because I’ve stated clearly what I feel and don’t want (I Choose my words), I can let go of control (I can be Surprised!).”



  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:25 am

    I want to feel confident that this will eventually work with my 14 year old son. Everyone else seem to believe that only punishment and taking away priveleges and things he like will.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:26 am

    ” or what you want”

    Huh??



  5.  #5Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 6:39 am

    OK – this post is PERFECT timing. Let me tell you about this weekend.

    I started out 100% wrong. Full of expectations about where and what we would do. After being the boy and making restaurant suggestions, etc. and trying to force the way the evening should go……I just LET GO.

    Guess what – we ended up at a restaurant I would have never thought of and had a great time.

    Then…..we went back and sat out on the porch for 3 hours talking – we had so much fun.

    But the big surprise is this. I have horrible old TVs in my house – the tube kind. I need to get a new one, but its expensive and I always find a way to spend money in better places.

    We walk into my room and I see a brand new 32 inch TV there – and I say – OH!!!! You brought your TV over so that we can watch movies tonight and the next couple of nights!!! I said….Oh – that is so sweet….so thoughtful. We can watch movies now!!!

    And he said….”Well, you can do what you want with it – its your TV.”

    I paused and looked at him. You mean its YOUR TV that will be here for a few days.

    He said no….I bought this TV for you and I also bought an antenna so that you can get the local stations so you can be safe with weather, etc.

    I lost it. I started crying. Its not about the TV. Its about the fact that he is trying to take care of me. I said that to him, and he looked and me and I know what its about – its not about the TV.

    I started crying so hard, and said…why why would you buy me a tv? And he smiled and said – well, I kindof like you. 🙂 And then he started crying and said – well, you help me at my house, and help with things, and you take care of me, and I want to take care of you too……

    Best. Evening. Ever.

    We had a great night and then the next morning breakfast in bed. 🙂

    I trusted my feelings with him. I stopped trying to CONTROL the evening and FORCE outcomes.

    And I was surprised. So So So Surprised.

    Now here comes a question. He left around lunchtime, and said I have some things to do around the house, and I said – ok – whats the game plan – are you coming back later for dinner, etc?

    And he said – I’m not sure because I have so much to do and I am so tired!!! (We watched tv until like 3am LOL!!!)

    So anyway – I said – ok.

    We texted a few times during the day.

    But then he didnt text me at night to tell me one way or another that he was coming over and he never came over. I dont usually text him first, and he might have been napping etc.

    Anyway – thoughts on how to bring this up? I’m not mad at all…..clearly this man loves me and wants to take care of me – its just sometimes he is not good with the communication and connection thing. He has never had to do it ever and its a learned skill….LOL.

    Thoughts on a script? I am truly not mad at him. I just was disappointed and wanted to see him again. And if he was too tired, I would have wanted a text about that.

    Thoughts?



  6.  #6Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:52 am

    “I believe in myself, I believe in love, and I believe I can have what I want.”



  7.  #7IamHis on June 3, 2013 at 7:04 am

    FW – I’m not a parent, and I do not claim to know ANYTHING about parenting.

    but I think I would like to be one someday.

    anyway, I was reading a book on parenting just out of curiousity, and I found a very interesting method of parenting.

    it’s essentially all about giving your child choices.

    “You don’t have to clean your room by 6pm on Thursday, but if you don’t, you won’t be attending the concert you asked me to drive you to on Saturday.”

    I personally was not raised like this.

    Guidelines weren’t clear, and I felt “forced into obedience” rather than making choices and reaping the natural consequences of those choices.

    In other words, I felt like I DiDn’T have choices in life, and that made decision-making much more difficult in my adulthood.

    I just thought it was interesting.

    What do you think?



  8.  #8Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Thanks Iamhis. I have always been open to choices which is the reason I have been resistant to forced obedience.



  9.  #9Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Iamhis: Is that parenting with love and logic? That’s exactly how I parent my children. LOVE it!!!

    Elsie: Please don’t bring it up. Your day was exactly what you want!!!! It was all him making plans and taking charge and treating you and making you cry with happiness and making you feel so, so cared about and loved!! He needs a minute to know you appreciate him without following it up with a

    “Oh…but there is ONE little thing you could do better…”

    Let it be what it was. A fantastic day/night followed up by a man who had too much to do, was tired and didn’t come over.

    Or, you can say: “From this day forward, will you please text me your plans so I always know whether or not you’re coming over? I’m waiting for you all the time and I feel hurt when you don’t tell me whether or not you’re coming over.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Elsie: Also… ” its just sometimes he is not good with the communication and connection thing. He has never had to do it ever and its a learned skill…”

    Maybe he has learned it and is actually very good at it (with your feelings always in mind) but just doesn’t do it the same way you do or the way you want him to.

    I think, for him, this means “no” without having to hurt your feelings: “I’m not sure because I have so much to do and I am so tired!!!”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  11.  #11Andrea on June 3, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Trust your boundaries…

    Wow! HELLO!! I suppose that means you have to have boundaries first. I just had a really deep aha moment… and that is: I keep waiting for someone to TELL ME what my boundaries should be.

    How do you like that?? Holy socks.

    I am feeling like I need to retreat and go somewhere far away so that I can find out who I am, what I want, what my boundaries are. Then I feel a kind of reassurance that actually, this whole journey is about allowing that discovery to unfold bit by bit while in the midst of the storm. I’m weeping over lost peace but the lessons have come during the tumult.

    Because I am in Relationship with life… because I am engaged… I am learning what I don’t want. And that’s the foundation for building boundaries right?????



  12.  #12Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Mercedes – WELL…… LOL. The convo sort of already happened. He told me that he fell asleep – woke up at 10pm and then worked on stuff around his house until 3am.

    I said oh I”m glad you got that all done, but I thought you were going to call me either way. He just looked puzzled and said – oh, I thought I was only going to text/call if I was for sure coming over. I said oh – ok. And it was over.

    I’m going over to his house to help him clean which I’ve never done before. 🙂 I totally offered because he always does SO MUCH for me, and I feel like he would ask me to help but just feels maybe embarrassed, so I offered, and he totally took me up on it – so that will feel nice to help him like he always helps me. 🙂

    Then he said – if I get all this stuff done then we can spend more time together this week. 🙂

    Perfect. 🙂

    Man, I like this guy. LOL.

    But Mercedes – I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR ADVICE. I need to seriously print off your advice and make a booklet for myself……hmmmm….how would I go back and find all your posts to do that. The wisdom in them is phenomenal……



  13.  #13Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Elsie: There is only one piece of advice: Do your own thing and let him do his, let the “stuff” go…and if he wants to be with you, he will and if you want to be with him when he shows up, you will.

    There’s no need to find everything ever written by me or anyone else. 🙂 Just circular date yourself and do it soon.

    (and please don’t clean his house again. lol. If you ever want to actually be a wife, you should probably stop acting like one now. There’s plenty of time for house cleaning when you live there…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:27 am

    My meditation for today: “Love is not a thought, it is an action. And each loving action that we take infuses us with more energy for loving action in the future.”

    (Meditations from the Mat. By Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  15.  #15Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:29 am

    ew i feel panicked thinking of that method of parenting

    my heart feels sad that children are subjected to stuff like that

    i feel furious and powerless



  16.  #16Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 8:31 am

    “Don’t Make Him Wrong
    Often, and especially when we’ve been swallowing whatever it is that’s bothering us about a man, we’ll end up simmering with so much anger that one day we just can’t take it.

    That’s when, despite our best efforts, our emotions take over and everything comes out in an explosion of feelings.

    What comes out is often something that sounds like an accusation to him: “How could you have spent the whole weekend with me and then not called for two whole days?!”

    All he hears is that he was wrong. That’s when he becomes defensive, shuts down, and can’t hear you anymore. That’s also when, unfortunately, we end up with a man who becomes distant from us or pulls away altogether.

    We’re left holding all the cards, feeling awful, and thinking we’re entirely to blame and can’t make relationships work.

    There’s a much better way…

    Do Speak Your Feelings And Issue The “Magic Phrase”
    Once you learn this, it will save you so much heartache and frustration.

    If a man does something that doesn’t make you feel good – and he does it consistently – then focus on the feeling rather than what he’s doing.

    If he forgot to call, say “I’m feeling disappointed that we don’t talk as often as we used to.”

    Notice you’re not even saying the word “you” here. It’s not about what he is or isn’t doing – it’s about what’s going on in the relationship and how you’re feeling.

    Then, say the magic words: “Is there something I should know?”

    Instantly, you’re shifting the conversation from one of making him wrong to one of finding out if there’s something wrong.

    See the difference?

    When you express your feelings about the situation and give him a chance to make it better, you’re setting both of you up for an open dialogue that will either tell you that this man has some non-negotiables you can’t live with… or whether he’ll work with you to develop an even closer bond.

    Depth Is What You Want In A Relationship…
    And you can’t get depth by keeping your mouth shut when your feelings are running high. And you can’t get a man to even HEAR you if you aren’t paying attention to the third part of my Rori Raye Mantra: “Choose Your Words.”

    Knowing what to say – and PRACTICING saying it – will change your life (and not just your love relationship – but work and family, too…)”

    Rori



  17.  #17Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:31 am

    that feels just AWFUL

    can you imagine your man treating you like this?

    you have until 6 pm to clean the house, but if you don’t i won’t be taking you out for the date I asked you out on Saturday

    OHHHH

    I want to feel my frustration, and rage so that i can share healing ways with people

    i feel like shaking and bashign people rightt now



  18.  #18Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:37 am

    “So there are no punishments for wrong behavior?

    http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/punishment.html



  19.  #19Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:38 am

    “I don’t get how it’s not okay for him to act responsibly”

    http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/commitments%20obligation%20responsi/responsibility.html



  20.  #20Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:38 am

    I feel nauseaus I love my nausea

    this means im healing!



  21.  #21Rori Raye on June 3, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Andrea – great insight! AND – if you’ve got the ebook, please go over it, because you can DO this without “going away.” In fact, Circular Dating is the CURE for this! The thing with boundaries is to simply SAY to yourself that you have them, whether you believe it or not, and TRUST them. Just SAY you trust them. Then you experiment. You follow the rest of the Mantra, you Practice. Because the Boundaries are INSIDE you – you don’t have to “show” them to people. It’s a different, more “organic” way of working with yourself. The “rules” you make for yourself about sex, driving to men – all those are simply experiments to see how they feel. In my experience – these basic rules you can make for yourself are simply HELPFUL to get you trusting yourself. Love, Rori



  22.  #22Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Daria : I wonder what it is that makes you feel it is wrong. For me, I would have worded the choice differently than the example from above.

    The example says: “You don’t have to clean your room by 6pm on Thursday, but if you don’t, you won’t be attending the concert you asked me to drive you to on Saturday.”

    With my kids, it goes more like this: “You don’t have to clean your room by bedtime on Thursday but the only other time we have for you to get that done is on Saturday and I thought you wanted to go to that concert…”

    One example was my teenage son who did something that was completely against the rules of our house (it was, in my view as a parent, really bad). I purchased the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People for him and told him I needed a book report. He said “I’m not going to read your stupid book.” I said “You don’t have to. I love you and I love hanging out with you. You can hang here with me every night after school instead. You choose. You and I get to spend time together until either I get a book report or you turn 18 and live on your own. It’s completely up to you.”

    I had a book report within 2 days and at the very end, he told me how much it made him think and how he actually thought it was the best punishment he ever got from me and how he’s going to remember it and use it when he has his own kids.

    It wasn’t hurtful to him at all.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  23.  #23Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:40 am

    “If-then contracts” (a more teenager related, and what happens when we first shift out from being authoritarian)

    http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/ifthencontracts.html



  24.  #24Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:41 am

    that if then contract one feels the most interesting and i feel the most interested in having it be read



  25.  #25Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:42 am

    i feel helpless and desperate

    i love my helplessness and desperation

    (((((Daria)))))

    I dont want to think about this anymore



  26.  #26Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Mercedes – read the example with the man. It’s disrespecful.

    i never said i ‘feel it is wrong’ – i actually feel furious and paicked and helpless about it

    I WOULD NOT LIKE PEOPLE TREATING ME THIS WAY. I

    f you would not like your significant other treating you this way, then thats a pretty good indicator that it is disrespectful.



  27.  #27Mel on June 3, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Hi Elsie,

    Reading your post, I felt a little triggered. I was reminded of when I was a little girl and it felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for my father. I was a pretty obedient kid. I always tried to do what was asked of me. I’d clean up all the dishes after dinner and sweep and tidy. And I’d feel pretty good about myself and my dad would say: “Just one thing… you didn’t wipe down the sink after you drained the water. Now there’s some water spots…” And I would feel so deflated. Like he didn’t even SEE all the things I did do… just the one measly thing I overlooked. It felt so exhausting. And after a while, I just stopped trying.

    The first part of your story felt so dreamy, like a heroic man anticipating your needs and providing something for his princess.

    Then I felt a little cringe-y when I read the “But….he didn’t….”



  28.  #28Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:47 am

    im gonna bow out of reading or discussing this for now, I feel too triggered and emotionally vulnerable, and I don’t want to upset myself more

    I feel satisfied with having provided alternative information.



  29.  #29Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Daria: I think I get your point of view a little better now. When you say “can you imagine your man treating you like this?”. That’s where the difference lies between you and I. I don’t have the same relationship with J as my children and he doesn’t with me and his children either. Things that we do and say where the kids are concerned are not the same as where each other is concerned. If your relationships are the same (meaning you would speak and act with your husband the same as with your children and vice versa) then I can certainly see how parenting with love and logic would not feel right to you.

    I can hear you on this one. I think it’s our differences that make life so beautiful.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Sorry for using the words “wrong” and “right”. Those are my words. I’m doing too much projecting today…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  31.  #31Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Mercedes – ” “You don’t have to clean your room by bedtime on Thursday but the only other time we have for you to get that done is on Saturday and I thought you wanted to go to that concert…”

    that feels much better. in this case, it makes sense… it’s not a made up ‘punishment’ it’s just a reminder about logistics

    except that… it is likely not true.

    It’s unlikely that the only time you have to get that done would be on Saturday. Theres also the day after Saturday, and the day after that, etc… (unless they’re leaving the house, after Saturday…)



  32.  #32Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Oh listen. I’m not “cleaning his house” as a normal rule. LOL. In fact, in a year and a half I’ve NEVER done it. Not once, not even an offer from me. 🙂

    But, since both of our families are out of town right now, and he has helped me SO MUCH (and seriously that is not an exaggeration) around my house, and I have never been able to do that for him, and frankly wont be able to do that for him for a very long time again, I thought I would like to be helpful.

    I dont have much money, so I cant reciprocate with buying fancy gifts, etc.

    And he has told me time and time again, that he loves that I try to take care of him and HELP him. He doesnt have anyone ever that has HELPED him. So this was my one way, one time 🙂 of helping him domestically. 🙂

    I promise Mercedes that it wont become a habit. LOL 🙂



  33.  #33Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 8:57 am

    @Mercedes – LOVE your parenting. So gentle, but forceful. EXACTLY how I want to parent, and EXACTLY opposite of my parents, who FORCED me into trying to feel and act certain ways, and all I did was rebel against it.

    She tries to do this with my children. I wont let her. She just tried to do it just the other day. I stopped her in her tracks. And she jabbed me and said “Well, I guess she just doesnt have anyone to teach her.”

    I thought – yes, she does…..and in a healthy way, unlike you. 🙂



  34.  #34Daria on June 3, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Mercedes – I can see how it’s easy to dismiss my suggestion.

    Since you don’t have the same relationship with your s.o. as with your children, it’s easy to miss the point of using that thought process to evaluate the Level of Respect that goes into the relationships.

    Perhaps you expect a greater level of respect from your man then you extend to your children. <— this last one was a subtle attack on you, kinda like yours on me by saying I might have teh same relationship with my kids and s.o.

    Now i want to stop arguing with you please. I don't want to be attacked anymore.

    Check out the resources if you're interested.



  35.  #35Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 8:59 am

    @Mel – great insight. I didnt even think of it like this.

    I guess I had “missing tile syndrome” again where I skipped past everything wonderful (all the beautiful tiles on the ceiling) and just focused on this one I didnt have.

    Thank you – very good to read. It made me think a lot.



  36.  #36Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:00 am

    What’s beautiful in life is respect and healing and love.

    Waht sux is disrespect that leads to fu*cked up issues tthat leads to war and abuse.



  37.  #37Mel on June 3, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Elsie,

    🙂

    You know when you asked him if he’d come over and he said: he wasn’t sure, felt tired, etc?

    And then you said “ok”

    I wonder if he took the “ok” as just that. That you were “ok” with his uncertainty. That whatever his decision, Elsie is “ok.” LOL

    He probably didn’t even think he needed to call. 😉



  38.  #38Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I feel triggered by the conversation with Mercedes and Daria. Daria I”m not sure if you have children? I know that Mercedes does.

    I was never allowed choices in a way that had consequences. I was told that I needed to do x and right now otherwise I was a bad person and I lived in total fear of my mother. I was constantly walking on eggshells to this very day. I can tell you that nothing is ever good enough for her. I can do 100 fantastic things and then there is one thing I dont do and I get slaughtered for it….

    OH. MY. GOSH.

    I just realized. I just did the same thing. Oh Oh Oh.

    I just did that to him. He did 100 million things right and the one thing he didnt do I sort of got on his case about.

    Wow, Elsie. Good catch there.

    Yuck. If I made him feel a fraction as bad as my mom made me feel then gross. Ugh. I feel horrible I did that, but glad that I recognized it.

    Thank you Daria and Mercedes. I started this post with something else entirely to say, and ended up with this.

    Wow, just wow.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 9:03 am

    “So gentle, but forceful.”

    As I child I hated forceful parenting. I felt disregarded and like my opinion and feelings did not matter. I was way into adulthood before I was able to really identify when someone was being disrespectful to me. Now when I say certain things to my kids and do certain things it is like I see clearly how they must feel disrespected. I don’t want to be a forceful parent.

    My challenge is in finding a balance of having my needs and authority respected as well as respecting the kids feelings and needs.



  40.  #40Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Daria: And some people are going to be okay with messy kids rooms on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and on and on and on from that. That’s really okay with me. Some people are completely unaffected by messy. I’m personally not one of those people so the room would have to be cleaned up. I can’t stand a smelly room (messy equals smelly to me whether that is true or not, it’s how it translates in my brain and my nose).

    For me, it would have to be done before the concert (in the example it is at the latest, Wednesday – if we’re talking about something that has to be done by Thursday) so a messy room from Wednesday to Sunday or even later would be unhealthy for me. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in a house that way. I wouldn’t be able to stand it. I would have to have it done.

    Another thing I’ve offered to my kids was to say “Your room needs cleaned by Thursday night. If it isn’t done by Thursday at 6:00pm, I will volunteer to do it for you. It’s your choice. If you want me to do it, I would be happy to.” (This is a real life example from my own parenting).

    I never once had a teenager take me up on my offer to clean his room. Not once.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  41.  #41Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Daria I feel grateful for the alternative that you have provided. I ask because I feel so resistant most of the times to the traditional one way that most parents take.



  42.  #42Mel on June 3, 2013 at 9:07 am

    FW, you seem like great mom. 🙂 I feel respectful.



  43.  #43Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:07 am

    OMGosh Daria! I am soooo sorry!! I don’t mean to attack you at all!!! Not at all!!! I don’t mean the same relationship in every sense, I mean the same as in speaking to each other the same way. J and I don’t do that but I can see if you do, it would feel bad to hear of love and logic parenting.

    I really wasn’t trying to dismiss what you are saying. I was trying to let you know that I understand it based on how you feel about the communication between parent and child. I get it. I don’t feel the same way, but I hear you and am really, really not trying to attack or dismiss you at all…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  44.  #44Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Fuc9k this blog today

    lol

    i wonder why fuc8k it voice always says fu8ck you , fuc9k this , fu8ck it

    the other day i noticed somethign and shifted it, that was similar…

    what does fu9ck it voice actually FEEL?

    she feels scared and angry and she doesn’t want this anymore

    and that feels so drainingly long!

    I want to feel powerful in the moment and i feel a surge sayign fu9ck it

    now i feel frustrated ad stuck tryna remember that shift i got recently that i just menitoned, and i don’t remember it exactly and that feels like

    clutching at my chest and frowning

    and i love my clutching at my chest and frowning

    and that feels like panick and sadness and fear that ill never get what i want and see the world healed

    and i love my panick and sadness and fear

    and that feels like fear of having expressed that that im gonna be attacked and explained to

    and i love my fear

    and that feels like shakiness and excitement and dead-head fear

    i love my shakinessa nad excitment and dead-head fear

    and that feels like tingly face and smile

    i love my tingly face and smile

    and that feels like rushing – what feels like hot face and eyes and

    that feels like breathing out

    and i love my hot face and eyes and breathign out

    and that feels like fast heart

    and i love my fast heart

    and that feels like tingly hands and i love my tingly hands

    and that feels like squeezy lips and squeezy tummy and i love my squeezy lips and squeezy tummy

    and that feels like laughing

    and i love my laughing



  45.  #45Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Mercedes – omgosh i don’t believe you! I know you believe yourself though.



  46.  #46Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:13 am

    FeminineWoman – thank you. I feel glad that feels calming.



  47.  #47Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:14 am

    I’m really sorry Daria. I really, really am. And I’m glad I feel comfortable communicating that to you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  48.  #48Veronica on June 3, 2013 at 9:16 am

    This is a really good article by Rori.



  49.  #49Mel on June 3, 2013 at 9:17 am

    My “best” attempt at parenting recently was with my partner’s daughter.

    We were going to do some baking together (her request) and I told her she would need to clear off the table of her crafty bits first. She didn’t want to. I said… I get that you don’t want to… cleaning up feels boring, but when we prepare food, it is important that the kitchen is clean. Eating food that is dirty is not healthy.

    She said “I don’t want to.”

    I said ok, you don’t have to. I will not make you clean up your crafts. But I don’t want to bake in a dirty kitchen. So… You are free to continue making crafts, or go watch a movie or play or do something else instead.

    She said: “But I want to bake.”

    I said… When you are ready to bake, come find me.

    She did her own thing for a while. 20 minutes later she came and found me. Table all cleared off. 🙂

    But she didn’t have to… it was her choice and there was no punishment.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Thanks Mel. Now I feel guilty for feeding a firestorm but I just feel trusting of the suggestions here and the fleshing out of things. I feel there has to be other options and always go away from here feeling empowered with choices to experiment with. Even if it is only in thinking that I have choices. I feel more powerful that way when dealing with the kids. I resist any semblance of control. That is how my psyche work so I get that the kids feel the same way too. I also feel responsible treating them in a way that teaches them that they are worthy of respect from everyone.



  51.  #51Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Mercedes – sorry for the attacks and sarcasm.

    I’m mightily triggered and I felt so angry reading your comment about how ‘you think you get me better + insert illogicaly improbably disrespectful assumption about me here’

    I decided to attack in an attempt to mirror the style and perhaps shine a light on how that was a subtle attack.

    I was guessing that you are not fully consciously aware that it was.

    My mirror thing didn’t work (it never does except in an argument court and always to the audience not to the person engaged)

    So that sucked.

    Now i feel guilty.

    Now i also feel worried and scared that this argument will continue as I’ve set myself up by disrespecting you.

    I wish i hadn’t done that.

    I felt so empowered and amused after.

    And then there’s the guilt and continued battle let down that happens after every successful defense.

    I want to heal my addiction to defense.



  52.  #52Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Mel: That’s exactly what the love and logic parenting is about. Choices with love. No punishments. Just making sure to communicate the choices and if there are repercussions (ie not getting to bake) then they are aware of them in advance. I love it!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  53.  #53Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:21 am

    I fele hopeless (don’t we all want to heal that? can’t i just have a LIL BIT of that FUN DEFENSE? 🙁 🙁 🙁 ”

    but it feels bAD! i just said how it doesn’t feel good after

    but it feels so good IMMEDIATELY after!

    this si just like iwth men

    babysteps

    i will GET that it doesn’t feel good on subconscious levels as well, as long as im awarefully experimenting and tracking my feelings before and after

    ((((((Daria))))))

    i feel sad

    i love my sadness

    sigh

    i love my sigh



  54.  #54Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Thanks Mercedes. I’m sorry too.

    I feel crappy right now. I feel all guilty and afraid and vulnerable to attack. sigh. 🙁



  55.  #55Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:25 am

    “I decided to attack in an attempt to mirror the style and perhaps shine a light on how that was a subtle attack.

    I was guessing that you are not fully consciously aware that it was.”

    No, guess I wasn’t aware that it was an attack at all. Because in my heart, it wasn’t meant that way.

    I don’t know what words to use other than the “I get you better” or whatever it was I said. What I meant was “I was resistant to your words before but when you gave the example of having a man talk to you that way, I was able to hear them.”

    None of my words today have been written with the intention of causing debate or hurting anyone or arguing. They were simply saying how I do things and trying to convey that I get (understand, see, know, respect) that not everyone parents the way I do. As with relationships, we do what feels right to us. Love and logic for some. Not for others.

    And I don’t think anything I’ve written so far today has come across in the way I meant for it to.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  56.  #56Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I feel vulnerable today too Daria. I feel misunderstood and vulnerable. I hope you don’t feel guilty and afraid for long. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone today. I just couldn’t find the right words to say what I wanted to say.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  57.  #57Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Mel’s story feels soft and graceful, yet i wonder if the girl hadn’t chosen to clean the table, would it have been worth it to have her miss out on baking the cake?

    theres something about that exactly in the “If-then” resource I posted (3rd link… the one in comment 22)

    Thsi is the excerpt:

    “In the “If-then” section you were talking about just that — “If-Then” situations, and that made perfect sense to me. But then in a later section (parenting or chores, maybe?) You mention Cake Baking – and how they should be able to bake/make messes/etc if they want, but it would be the Mom’s responsibilty to clean it. Why wouldn’t that just be part of an “If – then” situation? “If they want to bake a cake, then they would have to do the whole process of cake baking”? My daughter loves to play around in the kitchen, and I always thought of the “clean up” as part of the whole “process of baking”, or what-have-you. The cleaning up of making a cake is just part of the whole process of cake making – isn’t it? Am I making any sense?

    Yes, your question makes perfect sense.

    It might help you see it more clearly if you ask yourself what your goal is. Is the goal to have a clean kitchen or the experience of making a cake? If the goal is a clean kitchen, then it’s better not to have children! 😉

    Ah, but why can’t the goal be both a clean kitchen and a cake?

    It can be. But …

    When we have two goals there often comes a time when the two goals conflict: to meet one you need to give up the other. What if your daughter responded to your contract with, “Okay, then I don’t feel like making a cake.” What will you have gained and what will you have lost? Would you rather when she grew up she had memories of a clean kitchen or a particularly yummy creation?

    When I did crafts with my daughter it did always seem as though there was more setting up and cleaning up than crafting :-/ but I realized that if my daughter associated a tedious clean up as a necessary part of crafts, then she’d choose crafts a lot less. And what would I have gained? A neat craft cabinet? What’s the point of that!?

    That said, clean up can be an organic part of creating. You can say “Could you put the milk back in the refrigerator for me?” and “This goes on the second shelf of the cabinet.”

    But accept that the clean up is your contribution to helping your daughter explore. It’s like the $30 you spend to get into the science center. Would you ask her to pay her part of the admission price? And if she chose not to, what would you have gained?

    So rather than thinking about how you can make her clean up, rethink the process of cake baking. What I do is set all the ingredients out in the order the recipe calls for them. I read off the directions a step at a time. When she’s done with an ingredient, I put it away. When she’s done with a bowl or cup, I put it in the dishwasher. There’s still some clean up at the end, but it’s a lot less. And since I’ve focused on trying not to associate helping me with unpleasantness, she is very willing to help me out. (I have certainly not been perfect in not getting upset about clean up! But, though pressuring to clean up lets off steam, I can clearly see it has the opposite effect on my daughter than I want.)”‘



  58.  #58Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Mercedes and in general. Sometimes we don’t Intend disrespect.

    Like we don’t Intend to disrespect men when we tell them what to do, especially when it’s something that we think is ‘helpful

    etc etc

    sometimes it’s subtle for us to see our own deeper stuff… coming out in the wording we choose

    smh

    wtf am i talking about this for?

    this is not what i said i was gonna do , and im starting to feel drained and mad at myself and

    i do not want to nto respect my own boundaries

    hauh 😛
    blah

    Daria you can go read your ‘manly’ correspondance .

    Also print out that EFT transcript you downloaded.

    I love you.

    I’m sorry.



  59.  #59Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Please forgive me.

    Thank you.



  60.  #60Daria on June 3, 2013 at 9:35 am

    STOPPING MYSELF FROM WRITING !!!! (online version of hand over mouth!)



  61.  #61Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Elsie: To put it in perspective for you, J and I have been together for 8 years. We live together. I’ve done his laundry ONCE and that was when we had a hurricane and didn’t have electricity. I was going to the laundry mat for myself and I asked if he had anything he wanted me to wash/dry while I was there.

    I don’t do his laundry now, I don’t clean up after him, I don’t do things that make many women feel taken for granted. I “help” him by giving him someone to talk to and someone who loves him and someone who supports and listens to him. I also do things when he asks (like he needs someone to hold a flashlight or something).

    So…not saying it’s wrong for you to clean his house, but it’s so different than how I am that I tend to jump to conclusions about what that could mean.

    I don’t know. Maybe nothing would change if I started doing J’s laundry or cleaning up when he makes a mess but… I don’t want to tempt fate. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  62.  #62Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:44 am

    59: Me too… 😉

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  63.  #63Veronica on June 3, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Lots of up and down today. Stuck in down – keep returning to thoughts of “Did I understand him properly?” – I know there’s no need to be concerned with that because I feel awful. My head knows it but … I feel so stuck I don’t want to feel this. I feel feeble, my chest feels hard inside. I’m scared I’m becoming a hard person. I become shaky when I start feeling emotional. I keep getting back to this – do I want him? Not like this. Then why so stuck? My love has nowhere to go and hasn’t turned yet. Okay, that’s what I’m waiting for. Stillness and a bit content now



  64.  #64Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I just want to say, these words stung and actually brought tears to my eyes. This is the place for feeling, so I want to say I feel so hurt when I think about them. As hurt as I felt when I first read them:

    “Mercedes – omgosh i don’t believe you! I know you believe yourself though.”

    That stuff really hurts when I read it. I don’t know why it would affect me more than any other words I read here but it does. As in physically. I feel it right in my heart center and behind my eyes in the form of tears.

    It feels….

    frustrating?

    yes…because I was trying so hard to write in a way that said truthfully what I meant and to be heard and understood

    It feels….

    sad?

    yes…like when my step mother never believed anything I said and loved making sure I was hurting.

    It feels…

    “You’re dismissed!” (I know that’s not a feeling word)

    yes…see above comment about my stop mother

    It feels…

    angry?

    No. I wish it did though. I don’t mind feeling angry if I can also feel it is appropriately directed.

    It feels….

    deflating?

    yes

    Do I feel like saying “I give up”?

    yes

    So why don’t I give up?

    I don’t know…

    Am I comparing Daria to my step mother?

    No, if I did that I would find complete opposites I think. My step mother was controlling. We’re discussing the opposite of that.

    Am I comparing Daria’s words to those of my step mother?

    Yes

    Why?

    Because it felt exactly the same…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  65.  #65Karol on June 3, 2013 at 9:56 am

    This is perfect for me.
    I have to trust my boundaries, knowing that I will be ok whatever happens. I have just move in with my boyfriend. I am feeling scared. Scared of our deep intimacy now. Scared of this “getting to know or real” and he will get bored and start to search for other kind of adventure. I am really scared right now.
    But he has just received an order from the army that he will be traveling all weeks until august but he will spend weekends at home. I do not know if it is good or bad.



  66.  #66Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 9:56 am

    (Which means my comment 61 was a partial lie. I took my hand off my mouth for parts of what I wanted to say. Still firmly over mouth for other things…things not related to this blog even though we are discussing them here…)



  67.  #67Veronica on June 3, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Listened to incredibly beautiful emotional music by a very talented singer and my whole body turned into fem mode – I literally stopped what I was doing and just felt absorbed into her voice and how beautifully she expresses emotions so that I can sit in them with her. Wow so beautiful. I was crying at the moments her voice had such innocent vulnerability. I felt beautiful, as in, it was the me-ness that was beautiful.



  68.  #68Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 10:08 am

    This speaks volumes to me today.

    Thanks to T Dub

    “Today I want to chat with you about why many men are so “into” video games.

    It’ll help you understand him better.

    Now there IS a healthy and “un-healthy” amount of attention a man pays to a video game.

    The Healthy:

    . Games are a pleasant distraction from the “battles” of life. Everyone needs a way to unwind.

    2. He plays to heighten the feeling that he’s on an important mission or adventure. (This is one of men’s primary needs.)

    3. It’s a masculine medium to connect with other men.

    The Un-healthy:

    Very similar to the healthy, but it takes on an obsessive quality.

    1. They use video games as a way to AVOID life and
    life’s challenges.

    And HERE IS THE BIG UN…

    2. They don’t feel a sense of purpose in their life. A core piece of a man’s psychology and happiness is feeling like there’s purpose, that he’s on Earth to do something important.

    When he lacks purpose, he turns to “Call of Duty” to get his “fix”.

    To make matters worse…

    When he feels a lack of purpose…life’s “battles” don’t
    have much meaning. With no meaning, he’ll try to get lost even more in his games because every challenge seems more than he can handle.

    With me?

    I notice video game obsession in mostly teens and men in their early to mid 20’s.

    Many grow out of it when they discover their
    “purpose” or “mission” in life.”

    My son is an obsessive gamer.



  69.  #69Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Elsie – 5 – Oh my, what a wonderful post, what a wonderful evening you had, what tremendous growth on your part. NOW please, REVEL in this. He didn’t way he would come back. The more you can let this go, the more likely will it be that he communicates better and better though here I don’t see that his communication wasn’t good.

    Please, please, please just enjoy. You had NO expectations, and look. Keep this close to your heart.



  70.  #70Indigo on June 3, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Elsie,

    Regarding cleaning a man’s house, or any domestic-type stuff:

    For what it’s worth, for me I think it’s very much how I *feel* about doing it that counts. I personally don’t have any rules about not cleaning or cooking because there are times when I find domestic chores very soothing and enjoyable. As long as I don’t feel resentful in any way afterwards, and can check in with myself to see whether I want to do it and can absolutely and with no reserve say, “no I don’t feel like doing it”, then for me personally it isn’t an issue.

    Truth is, as soon as I felt in any way less “goddessy” after doing something domestic, it would probably make me want to stop doing it.

    Just my thoughts 😉



  71.  #71Indigo on June 3, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Dominique 67

    That is exactly what I also wanted to say to Elsie! 🙂



  72.  #72CurvySiren10 on June 3, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I agree Indigo. re: 68

    It’s ridiculous to make this a blanket “rule”. It’s all about it how it feels. There is no hard, fast rule saying men take you for granted if you do such things. It’s really all about the vibe you emit when doing it…and if it’s something you do because you love performing ‘acts of service’, it will always be felt and appreciated.

    So in Elsie’s case (sorry for the third person reference) it will be perfectly fine because she clearly has the desire to do this and isn’t looking at it as a chore or something she’ll resent later.



  73.  #73Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 11:19 am

    @Mercedes – I love that you have never done his laundry LOL!!!! I do truly truly enjoy helping him, mostly because he appreciates it so much. However, your opinion is duly noted. I already offered so I cant take it back, but I will notice in the future how I handle these sorts of things.

    @Indigo – BINGO. That is exactly how I feel. There have been times I *HAD* to do something and then I felt resentful and weird. I felt like I offered but afterwards felt taken advantage of or something. I never ever feel this way towards him. He truly appreciates everything I do – and even tears up at the smallest things…..its crazy. He has had no one to help him, just like me, so I think that is why we both feel so appreciative of each other.

    For example, before me, he NEVER had anyone make him dinner. EVER. Is that crazy? So, I love that I did it and he is so appreciative because its an act of service for me to do that for him.

    @Dominique – YES YES YES. I will hold it close to my heart that I let go of expectations and was so surprised I was overwhelmed and couldnt even talk. Please remind me of this when I soon forget. haha!!!!



  74.  #74Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I believe acts of service has it place especially when a man asks for this. However, I see all kinds of dilemma with a woman offering to go over to a man’s house to do his cleaning.

    1. He might not want his queen cleaning for him.
    2. It might unconsciously lower your status in his eyes.
    3. If he grew up seeing his mother do this it might end up making him feel like a boy.
    4. It might communicate that you are more together than he is.



  75.  #75Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 11:30 am

    @CurvySiren – Yes. Thank you for articulating how I really feel!!!! It is an act of service in terms of the 5 love languages. He sincerely appreciates so much of what I do – and I dont do much because frankly I’m very busy with my own life, but the times we can get together I do like and enjoy doing things for him.

    I feel understood. 🙂



  76.  #76Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @FW – very valid points.

    1. He wants a partner. He has demonstrated that it is important to him that we are a team. I like that he helps me with what he can help me with and I do the same for him. He is very emotional when he talks to me about how much he apprecaites it.

    2. It might lower my status, but I dont think so. I think it might raise it. I think he has never had anyone ever do this for him, so thats the way I look at it.

    3. Well, I’m not really cleaning up HIS stuff. I’m just generally cleaning. I’m not going to pick up dirty underwear. LOL.

    4. We had a talk this weekend. We are together. 🙂



  77.  #77Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 11:39 am

    4 cont. Not sure that would inspire love.
    5. He might feel that you are trying too hard to impress him.

    My experience is that men go to great lengths to clean up their place when their beloved lady is coming over. Elsie, this is just my experience with mature men. I have even seen male friends do this.

    I have learned that men bond when we do playful things with them.

    Though his place might need cleaning it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants you to do it.

    I don’t want to kill your enthusiasm Elsie but when I originally read it I unfortunately got the image of a maid going over to clean. Maybe because I read somewhere that a woman should not practice going to meet a man in his hotel room when he goes on a trip that spoke about going over to service a man.

    Then what popped into my head is, you say/can’t do the wrong thing with the right man. He might likely do most of the cleaning by the time you get there so I can spend the time entertaining you. If so then I would provide a lot of affirmation, complements and belief in him. Remembering that what is important to them is how they feel about themselves when they are with us.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Elsie just to clarify – when I said “more together” I meant that you might have your life and things more under control and perfect than he does.



  79.  #79Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Correction

    *you can’t say/do the wrong thing*



  80.  #80Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 11:45 am

    “If he grew up seeing his mother do this it might end up making him feel like a boy.”

    This is what I never want to do. I was married to a mama’s boy who wanted so much for me to be just like her. I wasn’t…at all.

    She made him feel like he was still a boy. He was comfortable in that feeling. There was a perfect woman for him out there, it just wasn’t me. Now, he has his mother and a girlfriend who is Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker all rolled into one. He’s very, very happy and she seems to love it too.

    I never want to make the mistake a making a man feel like a boy. I want a man who is a man and who is capable and willing no matter what the task is. My ex husband was not.

    Elsie: The above is no reflection or implication to your relationship. That point that FW made just felt so right to me about how I feel myself when I am domestic.

    Plus…I don’t really enjoy it. Except cooking. I love that. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  81.  #81Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Elsie – 71 – I will, lol.

    As a contrast to Miss M’s situation since logistically they are very different – I do all the laundry and most all the cooking, BUT there are some major differences here. I work from home and have FAR more time flexibility than K, AND these are two things I enjoy doing.

    Housecleaning on the other hand I abhor, so someone comes every other week, and I keep up the things which would bother me if let go since most men, K being one, really don’t care about this stuff, and it doesn’t bother me to do since it takes no time at all.

    No demands are made on me to do these things though. K wouldn’t mind at all if I didn’t. Though they are well appreciated. At least the cooking part is. 🙂 Bottom line, these are things I choose to do.

    xxoo



  82.  #82Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 11:57 am

    2. It might lower my status, but I dont think so. I think it might raise it. I think he has never had anyone ever do this for him, so thats the way I look at it.

    This comment remind me of the word *counterintuitive* and how men see things so differently from us. Also as it was referring to his unconscious mind I wonder if it is wise to assume rather than ask?

    I really wonder if it is new experiences that trigger our unconscious mind or if it is past experiences that have framed our worldview. I wonder if it is the past experiences that trigger our feelings and images from our past?



  83.  #83Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Maybe it is because I myself hate cleaning. Yet I know I would feel totally uncomfortable having a man who I don’t live with clean up house. They have come to do work like lay tiles, paint etc and initially I felt uncomfortable with that. One guy went as far as telling me to let him know when I get over my insecurities around that, then he would come over to help with stuff.



  84.  #84Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Gosh, I feel so drained today..

    I am analysing all of my conversation that I had with Steve last night. It seemed to go well and I thought he would contact me today as we were making plans to meet up. But so far not a dicky bird and I now my stress levels have gone into over-ride..

    Youch…

    I don’t know what to think or feel…

    I just feel a sense of doom, like he has changed his mind about me for whatever reason. And it’s going around and around in my head and my stomach feels all super knotty…

    Like why hasn’t he contacted me?? I feel like thumping my fists on the table and have a real aggressive moment..

    I’ve already thrown my mobile on the floor and tried to smash it..

    I know these feelings are good… how can I stop them?

    How can I get back to feeling calm and centred?

    I need to stop letting him have all the power over my feelings…

    If it does not work out then it’s for a reason and so be it…

    I really want to tell myself this…

    I need to let these feelings sink in…



  85.  #85Elsie on June 3, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    To all who are answering me: I feel heard and appreciate all of you taking time to answer and help me. 🙂

    I love to clean. When I say I love it – I mean I LOVE it. It may be the OCD in me. 🙂 I get a huge sense of satisfaction after cleaning or organizing anything. I’m a bit of a junkie about it.

    So – he knows that I enjoy it – and I”m not doing something that I will begrudge later. 🙂

    I love hearing everyone’s different views on it. 🙂



  86.  #86Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Sry should read *I know these feelings aren’t good…



  87.  #87Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Dominique: I think I might feel differently about it if I worked from home as well though probably not at this stage. We’re kind of set in our ways and as far as laundry goes…he has a pattern already set. I think he would find it very weird and possibly even unattractive if I started taking care of things like that. He just doesn’t see me that way – and neither do I. lol

    J is a very clean person so there really is nothing for me to clean up after where he is concerned. Honestly, he’s more likely to take my wine glass to the kitchen than I am to think about picking up his.

    I too hate cleaning house. A lot! J had a housekeeper before I moved in with him and I told him if he needed her before me, he was going to continue to need her after. She’s still there. 🙂 (And she’s really, really good at what she does).

    I don’t know. I guess we all just do what feels comfortable and natural and for me (us) it feels more natural for us to sort of take care of our own things.

    I do most of the cooking though. He doesn’t like to cook. He says he cooks with his wallet so if it is “his turn” or if for any reason I don’t feel like cooking, he usually takes me out or orders a pizza or Chinese food. He’d rather not cook for the most part.

    That said, he totally surprised me on Memorial day. I felt like a princess all day long. He made eggs and hash browns for breakfast, grilled ribs for lunch and grilled steaks for dinner. I did nothing. 🙂 He does know I don’t grill though. I never, ever touch a grill. In my mind, it’s the one way to get a man to consistently cook for you. If I start to grill, there goes my personal chef! haha! (I have offered to cook his steak in a frying pan before though. He grilled that day too).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  88.  #88Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Rebecca this is where Rori’s tools come into play. Those thoughts/feelings are energy, that he is likely to feel and respond to.

    It is great that you are noticing this and getting the opportunity to choose to gently move your attention to something better feeling.



  89.  #89Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Oooh… woe is me…
    I need to get out of this funk…

    I feel really angry but I know it won’t do any good…

    I can’t beat myself up for not being ‘right’ for this guy.

    I can’t help the way I am, and that I may not be what he is looking for..

    My priority should be me. Not him..

    I need to forgive myself. I have done nothing wrong. Sitting here stewing over it is not going to make it any better…

    I know what I want. But what you want isn’t always what you get…

    I have learned that the hard way..

    Men who I thought were all really into me have quickly run for the hills and never looked back. I seem to do this to them…

    Maybe it is my vibe?

    I feel scared about what my vibe does, it seems to have a life of it’s own…

    There must be something that is putting these men off.

    Maybe it’s just me. My look? Personality? I don’t know… it seems the same pattern with all of them and I can’t see what I’m doing wrong.

    In fact I can’t think of ANYTHING I am doing wrong.

    I’m not leaning forward, I’m not asking questions, I’m sharing stuff about me…

    I don’t know…



  90.  #90Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Elsie: I think for me, if you love cleaning so much that it would make sense for you to take that on when the two of you live in the same house together. And that he would take on the things he loves to do. And that you will share in the other things.

    What feels a little “treading on thin ice” about it is you going to his house to clean. That feels a bit like it could backfire on you. But I don’t know GS at all. I don’t know your relationship. I don’t want to try to predict or judge it. Just putting in words how it feels when you are inside of me. 🙂

    Going to a man and cleaning his house for him screams “Mother” to me. But that doesn’t mean it does the same for him.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  91.  #91Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    “Going to a man and cleaning his house for him screams “Mother” to me”

    For me it screams maid. Yet after all I have read about this guy and this relationship I would not be surprised to read that the place was mostly clean when Elsie gets there.



  92.  #92Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    86: Femininewoman – thank you thank you thank you.

    I feel that in some way, well in every way, you are right…

    I am a bundle of nerves and that can’t be good.

    I am analysing his every word and that can’t be good either.

    Walking on egg shells??? Why…. I just can’t relax and be nonchalant..

    I worry about everything I say to him because I’m soooo scared of frightening him off…

    But that feels bad. I don’t want to have to worry about that. But now he hasn’t called and I’m feeling bad…

    Wow, I wish I could get some perspective on this.

    I feel so angry with him because he’s holding all the power. He holds all the power and I feel resentful and jealous.

    I can’t see my own worth. I can’t see why he would even be attracted to me.



  93.  #93Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Lol, I can see I’m being a drama queen…



  94.  #94Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Rebecca it might be all the internal turmoil inside you that they feel. This energy should be moved off of the relationship and into gear to find a job.

    “You are worthy
    You are special
    You radiate confidence
    You are loved
    You are the director of your life
    You are amazing
    Your passion is contagious
    Bring it on”



  95.  #95Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    I can’t see why he would even be attracted to me

    Because you are a girl. Simple.



  96.  #96Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    …now I’m laughing to myself.

    I wouldn’t mind this situation so much but he is in a group of friends that I socialise with and it’s already taken my a couple of years to just about get over another guy in the group.

    Then this other guy, Steve made a move on me and really I have felt worried about the whole thing from the minute it started.

    But I do really like him I was just worried about what would happen if it ended so I had tried really hard to keep away from him.

    Anyway, something did happen – he hugged me, and then kissed me – and then asked me out.

    It all feels a bit surreal. And now it looks like he’s going to dump me..

    I’m just sooo angry with myself that I have got myself into this situation AGAIN…

    It all happened so quickly..



  97.  #97Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    “He holds all the power”

    How? Because of his earning potential? Have you considered that it might make him feel like a real man when he gets to take care of you?



  98.  #98Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    92: Femininewoman says:

    “You are worthy
    You are special
    You radiate confidence
    You are loved
    You are the director of your life
    You are amazing
    Your passion is contagious
    Bring it on”

    I love it! Thank you! I will practice this…



  99.  #99Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Yup, yup, yup! “Because you are a girl. Simple.”

    🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  100.  #100Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    95: Femininewoman says:

    “He holds all the power”

    How? Because of his earning potential? Have you considered that it might make him feel like a real man when he gets to take care of you?

    No, just because my feelings for him are so over welding and powerful that I am more focused on how ‘wonderful’ he is, than thinking about myself.

    I feel like I’ve just fallen, swooned, lost perspective – I can’t think straight.

    Whenever I like a man I fall head over heels for them. I can’t stop myself and I gush and swoon over them like they can do no wrong- put them up on pedestals that sort of thing.

    I seem to have completely abandoned my commitment to myself…

    What about me?? Why am I so focused on him…

    I need to love myself. Hug myself. Soothe myself. Be there for myself.

    I can’t believe how quickly I have fallen off my horse…



  101.  #101Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I can’t believe how quickly I have fallen off my horse…”

    I don’t believe you have. I believe you have “talked” your way off.

    “I can’t stop myself and I gush and swoon over them like they can do no wrong” – this looks like horse manure to me. You are not a robot so yes you can stop yourself. It is a choice.



  102.  #102Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    sry, I mean *over whelming. Doh! Not ‘welding’ ?!



  103.  #103Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Rebecca: Do you circular date? I’m sorry…I can’t remember if we talked about this before or not.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  104.  #104Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    99: Femininewoman

    Thank you. I think you are right.

    I just feel, sorry think, that I still am not getting it right.

    Am I too cold? Am I too warm? Am I too clingy? Am I aloof…?

    And the list goes on…

    But I just keep thinking of the Rori Raye mantra that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. And I’m trying to forgive myself for all my mistakes..

    And then I think ‘what mistakes?’ I am trying my best. There are noooo mistakes. It’s just my life…and I am perfect, and things are just out of my control and not my fault.

    I can’t be who I’m not.

    Lol… I am feeling so confused.

    I am trying to be ‘this person’ who I want to be but I never seem to get past the starting line..

    Lol – I need to ruddy get over myself. Other people deal with stuff..



  105.  #105Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    101: Mercedes

    Yes, I do Mercedes.



  106.  #106Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    WHY IT’S EASY TO BE FOOLED BY INFATUATION

    Sadly, we women too easily fall into the infatuation trap. It’s simply because while we fall in love hard and fast by nature, men fall in love more slowly.

    While our feelings for him may already be on “Level 7” on a scale of 1 to 10, he might still be on “Level 3.”

    And what usually happens is this: We get FRUSTRATED. We get impatient. We get tired of waiting for him!

    And it’s pretty hard NOT to get frustrated when you’re 100% invested in your new relationship, while he’s like: “Meh.”

    This frustration soon boils over into nagging, misunderstandings, and arguments. Eventually, the breakup happens… and we’re left wondering how “true love” could be so fake!

    ================================

    THE LEADING CAUSE OF BREAKUPS

    ================================

    Guess what – this “imbalance” of feelings towards each other is actually the leading cause of breakups, according to my experience.

    Couples break up because one partner wants more than the other partner can give. It’s usually that simple. Some women have asked me: “Alex, isn’t
    CHEATING the leading cause of breakups?” It’s easy to think that, but the answer is actually “no.” Cheating is just a symptom, a manifestation of the imbalance of love.

    So are the other relationship poisons:fear, anger, hatred, and so on. They all have the same root – an imbalance of love for each other!

    It’s like being on a long road trip, and the driver is driving way too fast…and when you ask her to slow down, she gets mad at you.

    THAT’S how guys feel when a woman rushes the relationship! Before you know it, he gets off at the next bathroom stop and takes the bus.

    So how do you make a guy stay on the ride until you reach your destination?

    You guessed it – drive at a speed you’re BOTH comfortable with!

    ===============================

    HOW TO MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER

    ========================================

    The #1 way to guarantee a successful

    relationship is to have more or less the

    same level of love for each other…

    from beginning to end.

    And admittedly, that’s a BIG challenge

    for women. It’s hard for us to keep our

    emotions in control when we’re truly,

    madly, DEEPLY in love with him!

    My advice? As your relationship moves

    along, pace yourself. Focus on the

    moment. Don’t think too far into the

    future, and GUIDE him through the

    stages.

    That way, you’ll be hand-in-hand as your relationship grows and matures!

    But here’s the big question: What are the “stages” that men go through when falling in love?

    There are two: (1) The “Attraction”

    stage, and (2) the “Love” stage.

    And the problem is that we women are EXPERTS at the “Love” stage… but we’re not too skilled at the “Attraction” stage.

    Alexandra Fox



  107.  #107Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    I think I need to not fully give myself to this person – if he carries on seeing me – which I am in danger of doing because I have gone all gushy and stupid.

    I need to pull back.

    I am in danger of getting sucked in… I think?!

    You women are so amazing. I find all this so difficult.



  108.  #108Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Rebecca: Ok…I like that. 🙂 So is it possible to switch your focus to another CD rather that this particular one for even a little bit?

    I ask because sometimes it’s really hard to focus and balance ourselves but, if we can visualize ourselves in a really amazing situation with someone else, that can help.

    So…to take the focus off of and change your vibe for this particular man in this particular situation, could you do a visualization with you and another CD having a fantastic time doing something you LOVE?

    🙂

    Maybe it will help. Even if it doesn’t, it has to be just a little fun to fantasize about another man for a few minutes right? Especially if, in your fantasy, he is taking you to a picnic in the park with a basked full of things he cooked for you. haha! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  109.  #109Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    106: Mercedes says:

    Yes, Mercedes that is so true. I did have another date last week, which until this Steve came along, I was REALLY looking forward too.

    Then on the date there was no vibe and the guy Peter didn’t seem as interested in me as he had previously. In fact his interest had seemed to have completely dropped and I felt quite abandoned.

    But I love the idea and I’m going to practice that! Even the fantasy is making me feel nice, warm and all mushy inside…

    I would love a nice picnic with a nice man! 🙂



  110.  #110Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    104: Femininewoman

    Lol, so true…



  111.  #111Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    I think what is annoying me is I feel so impatient at having to wait to be asked, called, etc… I am finding it excruciatingly hard…

    I feel like I have to be polite all the time and I can’t be myself.

    Hmm… maybe time for a rethink…



  112.  #112Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Rebecca – 82 – Can you see how you built up some expectations around this? Thinking he would contact, building this up in your head, and now that he hasn’t or maybe hasn’t yet, you feel upset.

    Making assumptions will get you into trouble most every time as will carrying expectations.

    So try to breathe. Sink into the bad feeling feelings; allow them; watch them with great curiosity, and give them space to move through you, allowing for maybe a better feeling feeling to come in.

    Maybe go do something you love to do, not as distraction but as a way to take care of YOU.

    xxoo



  113.  #113Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    110: Dominique

    Thank you! Yes, you are right.

    I actually emailed him something at the weekend and I expected him to respond and I’m now feeling stupid that I sent it. And a little bashful. It was nothing really – just a little music clip that I thought he would like… (or rather I wanted him to like it)

    BUT either way he hasn’t responded and I’m now finding it rude because I’ve responded to everything he’s sent me. And I’ve been extremely positive because that’s how I feel.

    I guess I just feel a bit angry by his treatment…

    Hmm…

    But yes, I am going grocery shopping near where I live. I need some nice groceries!



  114.  #114Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    “I think what is annoying me is I feel so impatient at having to wait to be asked, called, etc… I am finding it excruciatingly hard…”

    Then don’t wait! What are you waiting for? A call that says he wants to take you out or do something fun with you or see you again?

    How about, instead of waiting, you take yourself out, do something fun and see someone new (or just meet new people)?

    That way, when he calls, you will have the coolest day to talk to him about. You can tell him how awesome it was. You will feel happy and alive and you will be able to share that moment with him.

    I believe, the more you do this, the more he will want to do it with you! 🙂 I know for me, when I’m out having lots of fun, J always wishes he could be there with me (or at the very least, when I get back, he wishes he HAD been there).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  115.  #115Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    And in all honesty now I don’t know how to act if he does contact me.

    I want to scream at him ‘Why didn’t you respond to me??’ Lol..

    I feel like I’ve managed to make the air thick and tense between us now and it was lovely before..



  116.  #116Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    112: Mercedes

    Ahhh Mercedes, yes, so cool!

    It’s like I’ve suddenly had a huge loss of confidence and have become a gibbering wreck…

    I was just reading some old text messages to friends and I sound so happy and light!! WHERE has that person gone…

    I need to stop being a people pleaser and get out and enjoy my life and stop thinking about whether he’s okay or he’s upset etc etc…

    Hmmm…

    I’m not sure i’m making any sense..??



  117.  #117Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    ‘Why didn’t you respond to me??’

    Great. Now you can practice scripting.



  118.  #118Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    115: Femininewoman

    Do you have any suggestions?

    The mere expression ‘practice scripting’ makes my knees knock together..



  119.  #119Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Ahh, you know what I realise I have the urge to take his hand and tell him everything is going to be alright..

    Arrrggghhh!! I want to mother him…

    That is a Rori Raye no no!! I can’t believe how I WANT to do this…

    No wonder men run away from me and flea to the hills…



  120.  #120Rebecca on June 3, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    He’s text me to say he’s looking forward to meeting me and I want to respond with something like.

    Yes! I’m looking forward to meeting you too. Can’t wait!

    I feel like I want to tell him everything is going to be okay but I’m having to sit on my hands…

    Please tell me to sit on my hands. He doesn’t want to hear everything is going to be okay. He wants a real woman…

    Oh, I feel confused…



  121.  #121Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Rebecca: You are making PERFECT sense! 🙂

    Do you think so much of the time we, as women, change so much after we start falling for someone? I am, as we speak, having an email conversation with another woman about something very much like this. In my situation, J and I do not share income. If we did, I would have no reason to work because my income is not necessary at all to pay our bills (even if we combined them). So, I pay my own bills and he pays his and we move on.

    Now, imagine that we combined income and since my money was not necessary at all and did nothing to really contribute in any way. I would, very likely, lose my drive and my ambition to be successful. I would lose my desire to make more money or to get a promotion or be my own boss or whatever because it literally wouldn’t matter at all if I got a raise or a promotion or whatever. It would not change anything financially for us.

    Now…one of the things J was so drawn to and so attracted to when he met me was my drive and ambition and need to be successful. What happens when I take that part of me away. I’ll be thinking “where did our love go?” and he’ll be thinking “where did that girl go that I fell in love with?”

    Keep having fun. Keep enjoying life. Keep being YOU. Keep your drive. Keep your spunk. Keep everything about you that he found attractive when he first met you. You’ll find a man who wants to go along for the ride. 🙂

    (on a side note, the reason I’m not quitting my day job in order to run the yoga studio is exactly because of the reasons I state above. I have motivation to make that studio very, very successful but until it can pay me more than I make now, I won’t be working there full time).

    on that note, am I making sense?? lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  122.  #122Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Rebecca – 111 – Make sure you buy something yummy for yourself, a wonderful treat whatever this looks like to you. 🙂

    xxoo



  123.  #123Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Rebecca – Just because you would respond to someone sending you a music clip doesn’t mean he or anyone else would. He might have thought – this is so nice, listened, and moved on.

    If a woman had asked me what to do if a man had sent her a music clip, I would have most likely said it doesn’t need a response or at most a smiley face.

    The tension and thickness of air you feel between you two is all of your own making. You CAN let it go.

    xxoo



  124.  #124Turquoise on June 3, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Hi Sirens… wow, the discussion about parenting and if/then, what the possible feelings are on respect, have given me a lot to think about. I just had this discussion with my daughter this morning about a test she was studying for. She assured me she would do her best, but waited until the last night to study, when she knew all week that she had the test coming up. States and capitals, not rocket science. I told her I was glad she would try her best, and that was ok with me. We’d had a busy weekend, yet I did remind her that even though I appreciated that she would try to do well, if she had chosen to study a little bit each day, she may feel more prepared for the test and get a better grade, which is important to her.

    There are consequences in life, if you don’t do what you are supposed to, there can be a negative result. I feel that aside from loving my girls to pieces, it is my responsibility to raise them to be successful in life. Their idea of success may vary from mine…. but I want them to be happy and secure. I want them to feel that they can achieve and have what they want, that they can dream big. Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I know I’m not perfect. I give ultimatums… if you don’t clean your room, then you can’t have a friend sleep over, etc. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it needs picked up and presentable.

    In other news…. postman (high school friend I was telling you about) told me today he had a huge crush on me in high school, and that I was/am beautiful, he was intimidated to ask me out. That was the sweetest thing I’ve heard in a long time, and I shared that with him. Made me blush. 🙂



  125.  #125Zia on June 3, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    How is it I can get so far along with everything, working on myself, moving forward, etc.

    Then one morning three months later I can still wake up with an incredibly heavy heart, in tears, because I miss him so much.

    I am SO SICK OF THIS :`(

    I don’t want to keep doing this, and feeling like this. I’m sick of the heartbreak and heartache.



  126.  #126Nikita on June 3, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Ugh……

    Ugh…..

    Ugh……..

    I hate child support laws in California…… All the men seem to be living in fear… Yuck

    🙁



  127.  #127Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Is it ok to send “M” this message. I felt this deep heart message pop out of me tonight at dinner and I ran to write it down… My heart felt so full… and tears of gratitude came rolling down. I was going to send it via e-mail. I realized in a flash that “M” doesn’t know why I love him and that he might feel overwhelmed by all the issues I’ve brought up… and he ask me the other night if I knew why I loved him and I said Yes I’ve very clear on that… but I didn’t tell him…

    Here it is……..
    I’m so grateful for you:

    I’m grateful that,

    You show up ( in so many ways)
    You listen
    You try
    You give me so my work to do on myself ( pushes me to grow)
    You give me lots of opportunities to speak up and become my true self
    You give me opportunities to love myself more
    Even when you don’t tell me you love me for a couple of days, I know you do
    We grow together
    Your loyal and faithful
    Your humor
    You’ve worked hard on yourself
    You want a healthy relationship
    Your kind, giving, compassionate and responsible, authentic
    you challenge me
    you argue with me
    your blunt with me
    that your, your own person
    your strong and protective
    that your willing to go outside the box
    that you go outside your comfort zone for me
    that your passionate
    I feel safe with you
    you make me feel like a woman in so many ways

    mostly and not lastly You love me!!!

    any advice on this?

    I kind of wanted to send it now before the motives sneak in and I can do it without any kind of need for anything to happen and just send it with love and expect nothing in return…



  128.  #128Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Lisa – I wouldn’t suggest sending this. What you wrote here – this is for for you. YET you can show him all of this that you feel by smiling and melting when he says or does things which feel good to you, and thanking him when it’s appropriate.

    xxoo



  129.  #129Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    @dominique Oh ok! I do that… already… and yes it is for me… and just so I know why wouldn’t you suggest I send this? I just want to understand …

    OXOX
    <3



  130.  #130Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Lisa – Much of this feels motherly and smothering to me, i.e. something you would say to your child to boost his confidence.

    Whereas many women would love to hear stuff like this, most men would not.

    There are some sentences here though which would be great to say to him when the opportunity arises, the biggest one being – I feel safe with you.

    This will make most men glow like nothing else.

    You can say thank you for showing up when he does, thank you for listening when he does, thank you for making me laugh when he does, thank you for being so kind when he is, thank you being honest with me when he is, thank you for your open mindedness when he is, thank you for your passion when it shows up whatever this means to you, and lastly, thank you for loving me when you feel especially loved.

    I would suggest saying these things in person when they arise.

    Make sense?

    xxoo



  131.  #131Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    @Dominque Oh ok! No I don’t realize they are motherly.. just honest feelings.. I do say thank you when it arises.. when I remember or say this feel amazing or I feel so loved.. I do tell him I feel safe with you. I tell my children I’m grateful for them also, just in a different way. ie I’m so grateful for you your amazing, your talented and compassionate and intelligent and beautiful to my girls..

    Well it certainly did bring up a strong heart feeling and I’ve written it down. Hopefully he will feel the energy shift from you need to work on things to I’m grateful for you…

    Hugs! & Thank YOU!
    OXOX



  132.  #132Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    @Dominique I wonder if it would be good for me to re-write it with I feel in front of all of them… ??

    Maybe that might get me out of motherly mode? I don’t want to sound motherly and if that is what it does sound like, I want to know how so I can change it. It would make sense that I attract men that want to be taken care of… ie motherly me (humm something to ponder)

    blessings,



  133.  #133Dominique on June 3, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Lisa – 🙂 <3

    Strong heart feelings are great. Love them; feel them fiercely, and allow this energy to flow.

    xxoo



  134.  #134Zia on June 3, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Rebecca – wow I feel so triggered reading what you’ve written because it sounds exactly like me at the start of my last relationship, right down to the guy’s name!!!

    I feel so tight and queasy in my belly….



  135.  #135Turquoise on June 3, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Lisa, I wouldn’t send it either. Wonderful that you feel all those things, but it’s a lot… Could feel overwhelming. I also don’t know how meaningful it would be to a man to read all that. I guess it depends on the man. In my experience men love to feel respected and accepted as they are. Knowing that they make you happy… Seems like enough. How long have you been dating?



  136.  #136Femininewoman on June 3, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    “It’s been nice meeting you, and I wish you the best of luck meeting Mrs. Right. Maybe we’ll see each other online again.” It’s a genuine, polite way to tell a man that you aren’t interested but that you wish him the best.

    http://www.000relationships.com/tomen/newsletters/chemistry-date.php



  137.  #137prplpsn28 on June 3, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Hello everyone! I haven’t been posting much but have been keeping up with the blog. Conversations have been interesting and informative.

    @ Dominique – Still choosing TRUST 🙂 It can be difficult for me at times (not sure why) but things continue to go well. Always thankful for your wonderfull words 🙂



  138.  #138Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    @Turquoise
    We’ve been dating almost 5 mos..

    I’m learning a lot here… from this… and my ex told me and “M” told me I’m intense.. so what I’m hearing from you Domonique and Turquoise is that is is too much.. I feel deeply ( always have) and my ex told me most people can’t handle my depth.. I’m getting that now with your help. I tend to be too deep and heart felt. Humm something to ponder…

    even with my neighbors I told them how words couldn’t descripe my gratitude for what they did the past month to help me with the rapist peeping over my fence.. and It think it was too heart felt for them.. People tend to get distant with me… maybe I shouldn’t use my feelings so much.. a simple I’m grateful for all you did might be better.. Thanks to you both for your input it has been very helpful!

    {{{Hugs}}}}

    <3



  139.  #139Lioness on June 3, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Dear Rori,

    In Modern Siren you said to use FMs all the time when with a guy like in the first date demonstration part.
    I FEEL really confused now. The mantra really doesn’t clear it up for me at all.
    You’re a great coach and I love your work but I feel a lot of your concepts are like confusing…as soon as I feel I understand certain things…it’s like the rules change.
    This is what you wrote to me previously:

    Rori Raye says:
    Lioness, Welcome – and to help by clarifying – you need to Circular Date!! This will help you stop focusing in on any one man. And the Feeling Messages, unless you’re seriously involved with someone – mostly have to be NOT about the relationship. To learn how – use Poetry and FM’s about the weather, movies – stuff like that. Discussing a relationship with a man who “isn’t there” emotionally is a losing proposition.

    I’m really confused about when to use FMS …I used to use them all a lot on the first date even about everything because that’s what I thought you were advocating….Now you’re saying the mantra clears it up? I see women on the blog advising others to use FMs and their issues all the time with guys that they are dating…but according to your advice we’re not suppose to do that?

    The mantra doesn’t clear it up for me…I’ve been following the mantra…SO when do you use FMs? WHen you feel a boundary is being violated?

    P.s you’re an inspiring woman!…forgive me if my words hurt you…I respect & admire your work! I’m just looking for a little clarity.



  140.  #140Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    @Turquoise

    Your right I just re-read your post. Men like to be accepted as they are.. So, since I’ve been telling him ( trying to use feeling messages) that there are things that I can’t deal with… that he feels I don’t accept him as he is.. So, I am now taking responsibility for not doing that.. and working with it instead of … wanting things to change… Bingo!!! Which is any human right… I made a big mistake…. Ok now back to working on my core belief about changing someone.. I love Rori’s work b/c it keeps me honest just like “the work” does.. keeps me walking my talk… finding my expectations

    Thanks SOO much for this post.. I love this group of women!

    <3



  141.  #141Andrea on June 3, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Ditto!! Me Too Lisa… Love all these messages.

    Boy was I feeling awful this evening. Just stuff that came up today. And after reading all of these posts I’m feeling resolved that “awful” is an okay way to feel right now. Instead of trying to NOT feel it, I guess I feel it’s okay to sit with “ick” right now.

    For what ever reason, it feels safe to sit with these icky feelings in the presence of this blog. (Is that strange???) Maybe it’s because I can read about so many of you going through the same feelings as me.

    I feel such appreciation for your letter to “M” Lisa. But mainly it was Dominique’s response that touched my angsty brain tonight. All of these feelings.. even thought they are sparked (triggered) by our men, our children, our relationships, our experiences… etc.. are all really JUST OURS!!

    The feelings about M in your letter, my feelings about what I’m going through… I was feeling very panicky tonight.. like.. “Oh my gosh, I should call him. Wait.. that won’t make me feel better. It will make me feel worse. Oh I should write him a letter. Wait.. that won’t make me feel better. Oh, I should tell my daughters what I’m going through.. wait.. this isn’t about them and that will make THEM feel worse…. ugh!!”

    It’s like I want to pass these feelings off on to someone else instead of just sit with them. Then your post, Lisa, made me feel like… “Oh.. we do that with our GOOD feelings as well don’t we??? Instead of just allowing ourselves to BE in our feelings. Instead of just BEING this intensely HOT feeling creature.. no matter what we are feeling… it’s easier (??) or something.. to try and dissipate those feelings by passing them off, or handing them to someone else…”

    Please note: I’m not saying right here that’s what I think Lisa is doing. I’m taking her post and projecting it onto me. This is what I DO! : ) And Dominique’s response really opened my eyes to something.

    ps: Thank YouRori for your response to me. I feel anchored and steady.
    We don’t need to “show” our boundaries to someone else. We don’t need to even know exactly what they are right now, just know that we have them, and TRUST that they protect and guide as needed.



  142.  #142Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    @Andrea

    Yes, thanks! I totally agree that even my positive happy heart felt feelings are for me and I do tend to sometimes feel the urge to share them… and yes, even that can feel overwhelming or too intense for someone else. I’ve learned that… it’s all for me really! Good, sad, uncomfortable, deep feelings, hurt, anger…. it’s really all about me…

    How can I keep them to myself feel them learn from them and then convey them in a more gentle and loving way that doesn’t feel like projection.. I do agree with you!

    Thanks!
    <3



  143.  #143Rori Raye on June 3, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Karol – Welcome – and how about you just trust yourself. You moved in – you must have feelings for him, and he for you. All you can do is feel your way through this. Having him home on weekends could be pretty great…you have the place to yourself during the week, and him on the weekends! He’s in the military – he KNOWS how lucky he is to have you. Love, Rori



  144.  #144Indigo on June 3, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Lisa,

    I have also been a pretty intense feeling person, I still am, and what I have realised is… it’s okay.

    I am allowed to be this way and have all these beautiful feelings for the world, for others… trying to reign them in can feel like trying to control a wild horse. Instead, I just enjoy them, their energy, their beauty, and let them flow through me like a river. Funnily enough, I think the more you allow your intense feelings to flow and don’t try to control or repress them, the less intense a vibe you emit to other people.



  145.  #145Millie on June 3, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    I love the Rori Raye Mantra…I can’t wait to lay in bed and soak in this post. It’s hard to keep up with all the comments.

    I started a new job today. It was exciting, but I feel weird having a female boss/owner sometimes. She made no effort to meet me or talk to me. If I were a boss I would want to know everyone who is working for me. I feel like–why should I give all my time and talent to someone who chooses to ignore my presence? Tomorrow I am just going to introduce myself, even though it won’t erase how she made me feel.



  146.  #146Rori Raye on June 3, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Lioness – You ALWAYS speak in FM’s – That’s NEVER confusing. It’s WHAT you choose to speak about that we’re talking about – and that’s confusing because you may not be used to Following Your Feelings around. That’s why the Mantra goes the way it does – you Follow Your Feelings around your body, and then choose the words (FMS) to express yourself – AND you’re also choosing WHICH of the MANY feelings you’re feeling to express. Once you just trust yourself, and dare to express yourself, you’ll start to see your patterns – where your thoughts are getting in the way of your emotional experience. Do you have the ebook? I wonder if without it, the basics get skipped and it’s hard to see the whole picture…and if you can be more specific about the confusion – I’ll try to help…*I don’t see anything contradictory or confusing in what you wrote here, so I need more help…Love, Rori



  147.  #147Millie on June 4, 2013 at 12:19 am

    @Daria 43

    I love this. “fuck this” voice
    I have one too.



  148.  #148Millie on June 4, 2013 at 12:27 am

    I feel needy.

    I feel the desire to have someone close to me, sitting next to me, caressing my hair, whispering into my ear.

    I want to be loved “no matter what.” Whether my day was good or bad- I want to smile.

    When I come home- I want to “forget” in a way about work. I want to leave work at work and come home to creating an experience with someone.

    I feel needy.
    I heard my own voice say- “everything is going to be okay-” and I felt comforted. It is true…it is.



  149.  #149sophie on June 4, 2013 at 12:44 am

    Trust my boundaries I can begin to believe that x

    Trust myself not to fall apart if they walk away that’s the one I’m working on x So I need to work on self love, believing in myself and my Siren-ness, not becoming too invested (CD). Also, I need to work on putting myself first. I tend to put the emotions of the men I date before my own and it’s a stuck part I need to shift.

    This morning I feel sore belly, sunshine excited, free-day grateful, more or less relaxed, anticipation for a lovely day 🙂



  150.  #150sophie on June 4, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Hi Millie! It seems that you are always snuggling down as I am waking up – time zones blow my mind ha ha – hugs to feeling needy. I listened to this lovely talk yesterday about loving yourself and the lady advised complimenting yourself every day at least five different things each day. I loved that and am starting to do that now. I always loved the compliments from the men but now I figure I can give them to myself 🙂



  151.  #151sophie on June 4, 2013 at 12:50 am

    @146 I love that you can hear your soothing inner voice



  152.  #152Millie on June 4, 2013 at 12:52 am

    Wow Sophie, it’s amazing that Rori’s blog reaches so many people. Do you find that feeling needy is directly related to loving yourself?

    I wonder…I feel very happy in my own skin these days. I feel confident and beautiful, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting company.



  153.  #153Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 1:15 am

    “And the Feeling Messages, unless you’re seriously involved with someone – mostly have to be NOT about the relationship.”

    Yay I know what my mistake was! What a relief to know. I was struggling with what level of emotional engagement to be at, and how that isn’t holding back but leaning back. Lesson learned. Thank you thank you thank you!



  154.  #154sophie on June 4, 2013 at 1:17 am

    mmmm do I feel that feeling needy is related to loving myself? No, probably not admittedly I can feel needy for lots of different reasons (including hormones!) But when I do feel needy and I have noone to ‘share with me then I try to lavish myself with the care I am craving. That is different I know from the genuine desire for company and love and from just accepting the nature of the feelings and loving them for what they are.

    needy to me often feels very small; like my small child self that wants to curl up in someone’s lap and be held safe for a while. I guess that’s where I made the equation between neediness and self love.



  155.  #155Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 1:18 am

    That makes things a lot easier. Now I won’t feel so awkward when I’m on fb and if ever we get into contact again.



  156.  #156Millie on June 4, 2013 at 1:24 am

    Yes Sophie!

    “like my small child self that wants to curl up in someone’s lap and be held safe for a while. ”

    That’s exactly how my neediness feels.



  157.  #157sophie on June 4, 2013 at 1:39 am

    yay Veronica – breakthroughs feel so liberating 🙂

    Millie (smiley face) I imagine I would feel like that too x first day in a new job x I would want to go home and both be soothed by someone and be able to tell them all about it x a bit like first day at school 🙂



  158.  #158Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 2:15 am

    Sophie – exactly! I don’t feel so down now. Before, since I didn’t know what is was that I was DOING that wasn’t helping me, I had to beat off thoughts that there was something inherently wrong with me. That gets me all defensive and hard and etc. etc. while still carrying on doing the same thing. At least that’s over now.



  159.  #159Syreena on June 4, 2013 at 2:35 am

    It feels best to me to use a mixture of feeling messages and thoughts, depending on the individual situation and person.
    To me this feels much more balanced.

    Sometimes I want a mind a mind connection with someone as this approach works best for me with certain individual in certain circumstances.
    Sometimes a heart to heart works and feels better.
    And sometimes a soul to soul.

    It feels too emotionally draining and exhausting to me to use feeling messages all the while. Also not always in my best highest interest.

    I



  160.  #160Syreena on June 4, 2013 at 2:40 am

    It doesn’t feel good to me to constantly use feeling messages as is feels to exposing to my heart leaving it unprotected from psychological attack.

    My mind feels so much stronger than my heart.
    I want to protect my heart from being psychologically attacked in this way.



  161.  #161sophie on June 4, 2013 at 2:52 am

    @156 hooray ! 🙂



  162.  #162Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 3:07 am

    158 : )



  163.  #163Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 3:11 am

    Thank you Sophie – I feel like the child who had a cool thing happen to her and someone else saw and celebrated with her ox



  164.  #164Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 3:13 am

    *ox = Hugs and kisses, not bovines



  165.  #165Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 3:16 am

    Better watch my punctuation/grammar/writing today



  166.  #166Veronica on June 4, 2013 at 3:46 am

    *157 : )

    Apparently not good with numbers either today



  167.  #167Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Good morning sirens! The sun is shining here too…. Love it!

    Lisa, I’m an emotional person too… The tools here have helped me grow, keep things in perspective… I think it’s because Zi listen to myself, and am honest with myself. I also tell myself good things and accept the bad as ok. If a guy I like doesn’t call, I used to really worry, take it personally, feel generally awful about it. Now if a guy I like doesn’t call or text when I feel he should, I just let it roll off my back. Maybe it’s guy time, maybe he’s sleeping, maybe he’s waiting 3 days like he thinks he should… Or maybe he’s not the one for me and finding out now is better for me. Through all of it, I remember that I love me, I’m a good person, and when it’s meant to be, it’s going to work. 🙂 my emotions are more stable now… I don’t get exhausted worrying. 🙂



  168.  #168Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 4:21 am

    And like you said, it’s all about you…. It is! We have to take care of ourselves. Make ourselves happy, plan our futures, reach for our dreams….. And being on that journey, realizing no one else is going to make me happy, I have to make me happy, has felt liberating!

    I really thought I wanted to be remarried, I wanted the whole life and picture with someone, like I just picked the wrong guy last time… (So not really my fault) now, I realize how I got to where I am. I’m not a victim. I’m a player in my own game of life, and my choices bring about the consequences and results. My end goal isn’t to be married now. It’s to feel happy and blessed along the way. To build healthy relationships and enjoy where I am right now, this moment…. Not to be fixated on a distant possible outcome like marriage. (As in, I will be happy when….)
    From what I remember, falling in love is an awesome feeling… So I’m falling in love with myself, my body, my home, my friends, and I know I’ll fall in love with a man someday too.

    XOXO



  169.  #169LoveAlways on June 4, 2013 at 5:16 am

    I love this article Rori!!

    Your mantra is always in the back of my head (moving it down to my heart lately).

    Has anyone bought the new ebook? I have the old one and have studied it, written notes all in it . . . is it a good idea to get the latest version?

    Anyway, wanted to share an article I ran across this morning on the ElsaElsa board:

    “When you identify yourself by your problems, you thwart yourself.

    “I am overweight.”
    “I am unemployed.”
    “I only meet men who are unavailable.”
    “My family rejects me…”
    This is like hanging a sign around your neck that acts like a stone. You wind up keeping your problem and losing your identity.

    I learned this in a diet book of all things. The author cautioned the reader not to call themselves a “person who loves cookies”. His theory was that if you characterize yourself in this way, you have to keep proving the rule. You have to eat cookies all the time, because after all, you’re a cookie-lover, right? That’s your identity.

    Guess what? If you quit telling people you love cookies, you can quit eating them.

    Yesterday I wrote about a problem I’ve had for years. I wasn’t able to do anything about so I went on with my life, allowing the problem to run in the background until a solution could be found. Can you see how powerful this is? I did not deny the problem. I just didn’t define myself with it, either.”

    http://www.elsaelsa.com/astrology/2013/06/03/uranus-square-pluto-free-yourself-from-psychological-burden/#more-37956

    Namaste

    LoveAlways



  170.  #170LoveAlways on June 4, 2013 at 5:18 am

    This article reminds me of the beauty of envisioning the life and circumstances you want, manifesting your goals, dreams and desires by keeping them in the forefront of your thoughts, feelings, words and deeds. I’m going to refresh my efforts to manifest the life and situations I want. I see it, I feel it, I’m there and it’s mine!



  171.  #171Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Purple – 136 – 🙂 <3

    xxoo



  172.  #172Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Lisa – 137 – I don’t think there is such a thing as too deep. Depth is wonderful, fabulous.

    This is not the problem in sending these kinds of words to a man. In this respect men do differ from women. Words are not something they tend to get bowled over by. They want to FEEL these things from you. They may not know this is what they want though.

    I apologize for having trouble putting words to this since this particular thing is more something I’m feeling/sensing. Something like this is not going to express to him what you are putting into words for him.

    I hope I’m making sense.

    xxoo



  173.  #173Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Mercedes
    It’s reasonable IMHO to set time boundaries on when a kid should clean their room. Kids need to learn about deadlines and when they get out in the real world working for a boss they don’t have till infinity to get a task done. Kids learn these concepts I the home (hopefully) so they can be self sufficient and survive in the world.
    i feel exhausted reading the exchange between Daria and Mercedes about this. What about the respect the kids should have to the parent when asked to clean their room? After we raise them, work to provide food and shelter, change their diapers, cook for them, drive them to soccer, love them, hug them, read them stories …..is it such a stretch and disrespectful to ask them to keep their room clean? Um I think not.



  174.  #174Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Sorry but to me it’s just that simple.



  175.  #175Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 6:39 am

    I took down my online profile. I had some fakers contacting me and i just don’t have the energy. Another guy I was messaging with asked me if I was married. When I said no and was he, he never replied. It feels like a time waster at the moment, even tho I felt like it was raising my vibe, there are other ways I can do that. I am going to sit at a coffee shop today and lean back and waterwheel. It always works people approach me.
    I have realized I have a hard time expressing anger. I feel angry that exoticCD says he wants me and wants all of me but then I don’t feel cherished he does not ask me on dates just wants me to go to his house. 🙁 I posted a question on the prior post that maybe it’s cultural it’s the second Indian guy I’ve had this happen to me with. Sirens your feedback ??



  176.  #176Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Rori I like this post because it breaks down all the steps about feeling messages … Great reminder



  177.  #177IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Logistics: You have to be dating at least one person before you can begin dating more than one person.

    I feel shy……………………………………………



  178.  #178Millie on June 4, 2013 at 6:48 am

    @Veronica 160

    Thank you and Yay to you!!



  179.  #179Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 6:48 am

    166 love always
    Like!!



  180.  #180Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Emerson: I agree. I like using the love and logic model (giving choices) because for my children, they related very well to it and they felt respected because I never really “told them what to do” but I offered them a couple of options (generally one that was WAY more attractive than the others).

    My boys all three know how to clean, to keep themselves clean and to work and care for things. I’m very proud of who they are becoming as men and I love that they are responsible and strong and respectful of others and of property.

    I remember when they were little we had “stair baskets”. Each child had one and as I would walk through the house during the day or whatever, when I saw a toy or a shoe or anything else laying out, I would pick it up and toss it into their basket instead of taking it upstairs to their rooms or having them take it. By 9:00 each night, their baskets needed to be emptied and then returned to the stairs. Whatever was in the basket after 9:00pm got put into a donation box.

    When my kids were missing anything, they learned to check the donation box before they even asked me “where are my shoes?”. They never HAD to put away their things. If they didn’t want to do it, that was fine. I would just donate the stuff to a child who would have more respect for the gift and would take better care of it. It was their choice and yet they learned to take care of their things, we never fought about any chores and it just worked for us.

    This process also taught those boys at a very early age about donating things they no longer wanted or needed. They were allowed to get their things back out of the box and put them away (or I would have been buying shoes 3 times a week) but I can’t even tell you how many times, because of the lesson “We can donate them to someone who doesn’t have toys and will be grateful for them and will find the perfect place to put them away so they can continue to enjoy them” – my boys became givers and left many, many things in that box for donation.

    I would guess all three of them will implement stair baskets into their own lives as parents too.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  181.  #181IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:28 am

    @176 Mercedes – that’s incredible. I feel so inspired.

    I’m a little bit of a pack rat, and my mother’s a neat freak, and she used to get rid of possessions of mine and my siblings and my father that we cherished without warning us.

    Not because we weren’t using them or putting them in their proper place, but because they were creating clutter and SHE decided it was time for them to go.

    I always felt insecure when I would look for a cherished teddy bear or favorite shirt, only to find that she had given it away.

    “we love your mother more than those things” is what my father would always tell us.

    it makes me feel sad that a lot of the times I think my mom randomly got rid of so many possessions that our family loved is because she really WANTED to hear that she was loved, and she didn’t hear it enough, ever.

    I want my kids to be raised in a manner similar to yours, where they learn to be good stewards of their own possesions, and learn to give freely and by their own choice.



  182.  #182IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I always wonder what about my past is “safe” to share with men.

    I don’t want to share vulnerable “sacred” “difficult to talk about” things with men who don’t really cherish me or want to know.

    Even though I pretty much feel dead to him; I still feel confused and sad and angry with the way Jack CD would ask me so many questions about my life. Tough questions. Emotional questions.

    and then when I asked him what he was doing and why he was doing it; no answer except, “I was a jerk to you.”

    I remember writing on here that I thought he was just playing with me; people wrote back, are you sure? how do you know he doesn’t care about you?

    and I wasn’t sure he didn’t care about me, but my instincts about him just toying with me ended up being right.

    I’ve always had a hard time taking men seriously when they seem to show genuine interest in me.

    when they tell me how beautiful I am and stroke my hair.

    when they talk about the future with me.

    when they wrap their arms around my waist, pick me up, twirl me around, act jealous when other guys flirt with me…

    but when I try to ask or communicate it’s usually too late or not at the right time or I feel like they lie to me or it’s like they want to take everything back.

    this is clearly something I need to heal…



  183.  #183Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 7:38 am

    RE 169 – Emerson I hear you. Even with that I am facing defiance.



  184.  #184IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:41 am

    I want someone who will listen about my past and just tell me they’re sorry.

    I want someone who will hear the things my mom said to me and tell me that they couldn’t be further from the truth, and that she was only saying those awful things to me because she believed awful things about herself.

    I want someone who will understand how completely alone I felt, and will tell me that I don’t have to feel alone anymore.

    That I’ve never been alone on the spiritual plane, and that I’ll never be alone on this physical plane again.

    I think he really likes me and I feel terrified.

    I feel good, safe, stupid happy.
    I didn’t realize what a leader he was, but my word, he stepped up and now I feel awe for him and that leadership.

    I’ve always wanted that and I feel scared…



  185.  #185IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:44 am

    I remember that day when I was so sad.

    He texted me, said ‘do you need to talk? do you want to talk? I’ll call you.’

    but I didn’t want to or need to at that point…I was tired. I really was tired and I didn’t “think” or “feel” like talking.

    I need to accept such gifts when they are being offered…

    and yes, they are gifts…

    Gosh, I feel sad…



  186.  #186Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 7:47 am

    @FW and Mercedes and Dominique….

    So I went over last night. Now, remember she is moving out so some of the things are hers, and so, what he needed help with was the basic cleaning. This woman does not clean. He does EVERYTHING. He cooks, cleans, does everything with the kids. I have never met or seen a woman like her. So when I went, I knew that I would be going over to a house that was partly hers. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea of it, and he let me marinate in it – but he really said he could use the help, and would appreciate it because he would have to do it and I would be helping him.

    So, with that thought in mind, and since I had never been to his house before (the kids and her are usually there) I decided I would see how I feel when I get there.

    I got there and he was waiting for me, and it was not uncomfortable at all. He reassured me, he said listen, you are helping ME, dont forget that, not HER. I need help and I appreciate you being here so much.

    So, his house was nothing short of a disaster. LOL. Of course, she does NOTHING and wow, those kids rooms. I did learn a LOT about him. I saw some different parenting than I had expected from him. I was surprised he allowed his childrens rooms to be THAT messy, and when I say messy – wow. I couldnt see the floor. LOL.

    So, I spent time downstairs cleaning and then he went out to mow the yard, and it was nice. I knew I was helping him, because if I didnt do it then he would have to.

    The place looked really nice at the end (well, the parts that I got too….) and he was SO appreciative.

    Incidentally, because I helped him, it freed up time and he is going to come over to my house tonight for dinner and a movie – which is great. 🙂

    I will tell you that it felt very natural. I didnt feel like a wife, or a maid, or taken advantage of. I felt very appreciated. I felt very much like a partner to him. He was wonderful and I was very happy that I could do that for him. It made me feel really good – because he does SO MUCH for me, and I dont really get the opportunity to do anything like that back, so it was nice.

    Anyway – just wanted to share what happened. 🙂



  187.  #187Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Karol hi. I just wanted to encourage you to look at things that you have always wanted to do but never got around to doing them. These are the things to explore, I believe, while he is away. People here have tried out pole dancing and belly dancing. I have tried out musical instruments and skating. Think also about new things that you have never done.



  188.  #188Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Iamahis – 180 – You need to do this for YOU first. Then you may not need to seek it elsewhere though if it does show up, it will likely feel nice, unnecessary yet nice.

    xxoo



  189.  #189IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I remember when I worked at a card shop. A husband came in asking to look at our journals. His wife used to write, he said. She wrote beautifully, he said. She was depressed now, he said. If she could just start writing again, he said. A beautiful book might help, he hoped.



  190.  #190IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 7:54 am

    My therapist told me I expect too much from men.

    and maybe I do.

    but I think a huge part of our problem, as women, is that we expect too little of men.

    we expect too little of ourselves as well…



  191.  #191MovingMagic on June 4, 2013 at 7:59 am

    I have worked with children for many years now and have found that giving them choices works really well. I believe in a certain amount of structure. Working with children in classroom settings is very different than in the home though. To be honest I’ve watched many loving, enthusiastic children flip personalities the minute a family member walks into the room…the parents admitting being at their wits end in dealing with it.



  192.  #192Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 8:03 am

    IamHis: I remember I used to tell men WAY too early about my life growing up (there was a lot of abuse – physical, sexual and always, always psychological). I could never have a boyfriend for long. I think it was too much for them. I wanted exactly what you want. Someone just hold me and tell me it’s over and it’s all okay now and I never have to stress again…and that I was loved. That never happened.

    What changed things for ME was when I started healing myself. When I started counseling young women and when I started learning about mental disorders and the effects on children with psychologically imbalanced parents. The more I learned, the more I healed.

    I eventually reached a place where I could tell people about it but it was from a place of “survivor” rather than “victim”. It changed everything. What I wanted in the past was for someone to sort of feel sorry for me and take care of me and make it all go away. What I get now are people who are amazed by me and inspired by me and proud of me for how much I overcame.

    Anyway, I don’t know if that helps or not but I wanted to let you know I have been RIGHT there and I know how hard it is. I also know that rising above all that and learning so much and vowing to heal and overcome has brought me to a much, much better place and created lots of amazing relationships for me. Not just with men but with so many people I have met. I believe the answer lies in the healing, not in a man putting his arms around you and making it all better. When YOU get to a place where YOU feel all better, the right man will more likely be able to see the real you and will WANT to put his arms around you. You won’t even need to ask…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  193.  #193Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Elsie: I’m glad you feel good about the experience. Personally, I could not clean another woman’s house (no matter how much I loved a man) without feeling like an unpaid maid. I understand though that he helped you feel comfortable and good about this and I can respect that. Really glad it turned out well for you.

    Any idea when she’s going to move out so she doesn’t get to take advantage of any future help you offer him?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  194.  #194Don on June 4, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Mantras can be very powerful, your mantra is great. One needs to keep positive and up lifting thoughts going through our minds at least daily if not throughout each day.



  195.  #195Ladyinwaiting on June 4, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Booyah.
    Luv each and every post on here.
    All of it
    Every question
    every answer found inside ourselves and others
    luv finding just what I need whenever I can visit here
    you (I) are ALWAYS on the right path to where you want to go
    It is not lined with perfect gold cobblestones.
    We all wish it was.
    Rather,
    there are lumps and bumps and holes and scary things hiding in the dark.
    Those things are surrounded by flowers, and butterflies and beautiful birds.
    Just have to figure out how to balance on that log that crosses the rapids to see it all and how it works.

    Thank you for reposting the mantra today.
    I grow a new layer of understanding every time I read it.
    Those men always come back. Just like a circle.
    All of them at once this week.
    One that had been in a back pocket on my horse, saw him this week.
    When the night ended, he said, in a hurried anxious voice, (he is traveling for work this week) I will call you tommorrow as soon as the plane lands.
    He never did.
    Instead he posted on FB for all his friends.
    Yep, you guessed, totally triggered me.
    I thought? I couldn’t take it anymore, called him last night. Maybe I should take the intiative. Maybe he was too busy. Maybe he was tired. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
    He answers, obviously tired. Tell him to go to sleep. He says “I’ll call you tommorrow at lunchtime. I say, that would be nice.”
    Guess what.
    It’s lunchtime.
    And,
    I came here to find my power. My peace , My balance.
    Cuz, it’s not about him.
    It’s about me.
    Yes, I like him a lot.
    I like him even after the last 18 months of confusion. Questions, fear.
    I can like him and take care of me without controlling the outcome at the same time.
    I thank you all for being you. Practicing again, what is a trigger, what are MY feelings about it, let go of expectations, don’t make him wrong.
    At the same time, want to be heard about my feelings of disappointment of how it feels at this moment to hear words from him that mean nothing when the action did not follow.
    And that’s where the bad feelings that have been floating all these months are triggered by.
    Wanting to KNOW for myself, if I can script my words about that disappointment to say when the time is right.
    Or,
    the crossroads is in front of me and I just don’t have to take that turn.
    ugh.
    I can feel icky and still feel peace at the same time.



  196.  #196Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Elsie I experience the “allow the rooms to be that messy” as very critical and feel defensive inside and like I want to explain. For me I talk about that with my son until I feel tired and disgusted with msyelf. His and his sister’s room are like night and day. The last time I decided I was going to stop talking and it remained messy for 3 weeks until I could not stand it any longer and woke him up at 6 a.m one Saturday morning. I helped with removing some that he stopped wearing so I got no resistance that day. Maybe because I was helping so he didn’t feel overwhelmed. But yeah, I have come to appreciate that a parent must be at a place where they feel helpless to allow the mess. I really don’t see it as a testament of the person’s parenting style though I might be wrong. For me it is about the kids taking responsibility and me trusting them to. My son for some reason seem to choosing otherwises. I have the thought that it is my communication style that is not inspiring him and my angry vibe that he resists. As such I have been choosing the leave the mess while I experiment with how I interact with him. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I feel impatient to allow him learning time.



  197.  #197Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 9:03 am

    @Mercedes – There wont be any more help from me before she moves out. This was a one time thing to truly help him because he needed it. I believe she should be moving out this summer. But regardless, even if she moves out, I wont be over to clean his house. 🙂 Its not that I didnt love it and enjoy it, and not that he didnt totally appreciate it. Its that he would never ask me to help him in that way on a regular basis, and I wouldnt say yes. I dont want to be his maid or his mother. He doesnt want that either. But all that said, it felt great to help him when he REALLY REALLY needed it. He needed to get so much done and I was happy to help. I would never go again while she lives there – he knows that. He would never ask. But after she moves out – I can guarantee you I wont go over to clean but maybe once a year or maybe twice a year, if he only really needed it for some exceptional reason. It wasnt the beginning of something that was going to be a habit. It was me helping him when he truly needed it – and it really did feel great to be able to do that for him. He is very overwhelmed and has to do everything over there. I would have never offered if I didnt really want to do it. 🙂

    And this man has never taken advantage of my generosity. If anything he acts so overwhelmingly appreciative of everything I have done and do for him. Thats frankly why I offered in the first place. If I didnt know thats where it was coming from I would have never done it.

    I didnt do it to get brownie points, or make him love me. I did it because he ALREADY loved me and I just sincerely wanted to help. I think that is the reason the vibe was so good around the whole thing. 🙂



  198.  #198Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Elsie the thing I admire about you is that although you ask here, you still choose to create your own frame for your relationship. It must be coming from a real place of confidence inside you.

    The way I see it, as long as this doesn’t backfire in anyway and you enjoyed doing it, then hey who can tell you otherwise. Knowing, me though, my brain would be on high alert for what he will want me to do next, looking for a reason to feel taken for granted. Having a team mindset is great for relationships.



  199.  #199IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 9:15 am

    @188 Mercedes – Thank you so much. I really do look up to you a lot. You are very inspiring.



  200.  #200Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 9:19 am

    In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

    — Albert Schweitzer



  201.  #201Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 9:22 am

    @FW – Thank you for your response. I certainly didnt mean to trigger anyone. I know that I am a little OCD with the cleaning. Plus, my mom forced me to have a nice clean room, and so that is “normal” to me.

    But frankly, I was surprised that in the beautiful house he has (and it is TRULY beautiful) that the walls would have writing on them, and the carpet would be stained and things would be broken, etc. Also, the fact that their rooms would be SO messy. And his response was that his kids were just like that. I dont know – I feel sort of like Mercedes – that you have to give boundaries to children and rules and if they dont do their chores/tasks that there are consequences – thats how real life is – I guess I feel (just my thought here) that he isnt doing that a service by just allowing them to be messy – and wow, when I say messy, I have never seen anything like that.

    Frankly, it made me think about if we ever were together how we would handle the rules for children. Now, I know he likes things clean and if it were just he and me then it would be nice, but he just allows his kids to be more wild than I would allow. Food for thought for me given that our kids are all at the age that they would still be young etc if we got together…..



  202.  #202IamHis on June 4, 2013 at 9:25 am

    @184 Dominique – Thanks. xxoo



  203.  #203Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 9:25 am

    @FW – THANK YOU. That was a huge compliment. 🙂

    I will say that I’m not that sure about a lot of things in this relationship. AT all. I am insecure and working through a lot of Rori’s stuff. I am not good at keeping control over my emotions. Similar to Lisa on here, I feel very deeply and sometimes its too much for people. I get dramatic a lot. A LOT. LOL….

    But in certain situations, I just *know* that its ok. Sometimes I go talk to him first (its rare) but when I do, I just have a feeling its ok. I rarely if ever text him and I never call him first Ever. But I guess if that situation came up I would know its ok. Just like I dont know how to explain it but I KNEW this would be ok.

    He has never ever taken advantage of my offers for help. He gets very emotional when I help him, if I do, because he has not had that ever in his life. But he also knows not to take advantage of it. Also, if I’m being honest…..he is very independent, and likes to do things himself, so I dont think he would ever like a maid or a mom……LOL.



  204.  #204Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Elsie – I believe those things too about tidiness, neatness and boundaries. I am now learning that some teenagers have different ideas and levels of openness about doing what they should be. I find myself sometimes being a convincer and feeling like a loser. I also have to pull myself back from comparing and showing preference. For me it is really challenging parenting teenagers or should I say boy teenager.



  205.  #205Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Elsie: “This was a one time thing to truly help him because he needed it.” – In my opinion, there is no way, absolutely NO WAY a man ever EVER “really needs” his girlfriend to clean the house he shares with his wife. He is responsible for getting his own life together, messes and all. And if that means he does it all because she does nothing, then that’s what it means.

    This is really, really hard for me to talk about because the thought of you cleaning house (and loving it) for a man and his wife just breaks my heart.

    GS is a man and he can take care of things as a man. Of course it is nice to get some help and it makes things easier on him and takes away the strain of having to deal with it alone (or at all) and all kinds of things that he can feel happy about. But…it really just feels like his life with his wife in their house is not something you should be helping with. It’s taking away HIS need to take care of it. It’s doing it for him when that part of his life should be so far removed from you it isn’t even on the same planet.

    As I said, I’m glad you were able to be comfortable with it. If it really was that comfortable, I don’t understand why it would be a one time thing though. It seems like if it felt good, you were comfortable and you like doing it, you would be able to do it more often. Regularly even if it makes you feel good. I also don’t understand why you would clean his house once or twice a year after she moves out. To me, you either clean for him or you don’t but I don’t understand what cleaning once in a while will accomplish.

    All of that doesn’t register with me but…as you and I have already discussed, we can be two very, very different people. 🙂 (who always strive to love and understand each other…which also makes us friends)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  206.  #206Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 9:28 am

    IamHis: 🙂 Thank you! You hang in there…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  207.  #207Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Mercedes i like the baskets idea.



  208.  #208Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Emerson: Thanks! It saved me a lot of trips up and down those stairs! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  209.  #209Daria on June 4, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I got Rori’s heart tool while doing it… at first i wasnt getting it

    be his heartbeat

    i wanna call him … im stopping myeslf and being my heartbeat and dancing back and side to dside

    haha i feel attractive

    i wanna EFT this in



  210.  #210Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 10:40 am

    “You want to go meet men? Go to a steakhouse.

    That’s where men go to be amongst themselves.

    Here’s the deal: super successful men will go to Morton’s with this attitude:

    “Yeah, let’s meet at Morton’s. We’ll grab a bottle of wine and we’ll get a cigar afterwards. For now, I want a porterhouse. We’ll spend $1,000 among five of us. We’ll talk about our business conquests.”

    And then you walk in with your friends.

    They’re not expecting you at all that night. What they’re expecting to do is to brag amongst themselves, talk about their business plans, talk about the money they’re making and to try to order the most expensive steak and outdo one another.

    And you walk in. You want the alpha guy of the group, the guy that’s the leader of the pack, he’s going to come running right over to you because it’s going to be all about a conquest.

    Because that’s what steakhouses are. They’re all about males sharing conquests.

    So you can basically become the bait for his next conquest.

    Don’t take that in a negative way. He can conquest you to be his girlfriend, conquest you to be his wife. But the bottom line is, successful men love the conquest.

    So show up where they’re slaying each other with stories and you’ll find a perfect opportunity as a woman to meet great men.

    If you want more ideas on how to meet attractive men, then you must listen to this program I recorded just for you:”

    http://www.davidwygant.com/women/the-art-of-attracting-men/

    Your friend,

    David



  211.  #211Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 10:52 am

    IamHis 186

    For what it’s worth, I think there’s a very big difference between expecting and requiring.

    For me, expecting is when all your energy is going away from you to the other person, wanting them to perform or do something, and being disappointed when they don’t. It’s all about the other person and what they do or don’t do.

    Requiring for me is something very different. It comes from a soft place that is completely self-contained. It says, this is what I want for my life, and for my relationships with people and it has to do with the basics of being treated with love and respect. And if someone cannot meet those standards, there is no blame or recriminations, no disappointment, just moving away.



  212.  #212Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:00 am

    yah or sportsbars huh 🙂



  213.  #213Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 11:01 am

    The Secret To Having A Man Feel Like He Doesn’t Want To Live Without You

    Tool: Be His Heartbeat
    Let’s start with this Tool – Be His Heartbeat – and we’ll start by being YOUR heartbeat!

    1. Start with where you might be right now where you feel like you’re giving your heart to a man who you’re not quite sure deserves it. Imagine he’s standing right in front of you, about 5 feet away…

    2. Imagine that your heart is jumping out of your body and holding onto him.

    Now…

    3. Put your hand on your heart.

    Let it jump around, but keep it, gently, inside your own body. Let it beat and thump, and let it WANT to go on over to the nearest man, but gently insist that it stay in your body and beat for YOU.

    4. When you feel like you’re hanging onto your heart…

    …like it’s going to stay inside your own body and beat for you, take the next step…

    5. Open your heart to him.

    Okay, this may feel scary. It’s supposed to.

    We’re all so used to DOING stuff and GIVING love – we’re not used to just keeping the love inside ourselves and just OPENING the door to our heart.

    Imagine the love in your heart that’s beating for YOU – imagine it RADIATING out of your heart. Imagine it STAYING inside YOU, but radiating it’s warmth out toward EVERYONE and EVERYTHING outside you.

    Now…

    6. Feel the beat of your heart.

    Really feel it. Let the beat of it move through you and thrill you. Now…

    7. Start moving.

    I want you to start swaying to the beat of your heart… while allowing it to stay open and radiating.

    Don’t take the next steps until you feel comfortable doing this, and it feels like FUN!

    Just remember – hanging onto your heart, and keeping it inside your own body so it can beat for YOU is not the same as closing off your heart. Or keeping up a front or wall between you and a man in order to protect yourself.

    It’s just the opposite. It’s about taking down all the walls, all the fronts, all the pretending, unzippering your heart, and, literally hanging onto your heart by keeping it in your OWN BODY!

    Just keep imagining that your heart is in your own body, that it’s open, and that everyone you meet is leaning toward you and radiating energy and love into your heart.

    8. Now, while you’re DANCING and moving to the beat of your heart, I want you to move forward a few steps, and then back a few steps.

    Feel how that feels.

    Keep imagining the man in front of you (the man you’re involved with, or a man you imagine would be a good partner for you) – and move toward him as you dance, and then move away from him.

    Notice how you feel when you dance toward him.

    It doesn’t feel “right” does it? It feels like chasing, and trying to “get” something.

    And what does dancing AWAY from him feel like? Does it feel powerful?

    Can you feel the power of what you’ve already accomplished – keeping your heart inside your body so it can beat for YOU, opening your heart, and yet controlling who gets to be near you by moving and dancing forwards and backwards?

    This is an amazing thing, actually.

    If you’re not feeling good about a man, instead of closing down your heart – you can simply dance BACKWARDS! You can dance, with an open heart – AWAY from him.

    Experiment with this right now, and then try it out in the world. You’ll feel so much relief and so much more power in yourself…

    9. Now try moving and dancing side to side.

    See how much room there is to move?

    You don’t have to move forward, toward a man – there are so many OTHER ways to dance!

    10. Here’s how to use this Tool when you’re out in the world, in the presence of a man – talking to him in the drugstore, or sitting across from him at dinner, or in bed with him:

    If you don’t like the energy that’s coming at you – you don’t have to put up a wall, just step backward or side-to-side.
    Put your hand on your heart. Feel how your heart is in your own body and under your own control. Let your heart sink into the warmth of your body and relax.
    When you feel your shoulders, your chest, your heart wanting to lean out, toward him, stop yourself.
    When you feel your hands and arms want to reach for him, stop yourself. When you feel your words wanting to ask him for something or reach out to him, stop yourself.
    Dance away from him, open your heart, open the palms of your hands outward to let in all the love he’s giving to you (imagine he’s giving to you even if you don’t think he is) and imagine your heart beating strongly and calmly in your own body.
    Imagine the warmth from your heart going all through your body. Imagine your breath going down to your pelvis and opening everything up. Imagine your heart staying inside your body, floating, giving off warmth to YOU.
    Keeping your insides, and your shoulders, and your belly and pelvis warm. Keeping you warm.
    And once you feel warmth, altogether inside yourself – once you’ve truly become your own Heartbeat – you will AUTOMATICALLY draw in every man around you, and you will automatically be HIS heartbeat.

    It sounds so simple, and it is.

    Rori



  214.  #214Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:01 am

    hey so look I just scheduled myself to pick up another $200 next week 🙂 yay me



  215.  #215Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 11:02 am

    @Mercedes – you are absolutely definitely my friend. 🙂

    First off – they are not married. They are working through papers so that he can buy her out of the house and she is moving out very soon – I know her so I know all of this to be true from her mouth. They have not been “together” for a long time. Its now to the point of lawyers.

    I misspoke and thank you for correcting me. He doesnt NEED me to clean his house. You are absolutely 100% correct. He has done it for decades alone and will continue to do so. It was a way for me to help him out.

    He can and does take care of things as a man. THAT is exactly why I offered to help. I know I wont be taken advantage of as a maid or a mom. I was both of those things to my current soon to be ex husband dont want to repeat it and am very careful not to.

    It was a way for me to help out – I’m totally comfortable with it. It was a one time thing, just as if you built a deck for someone or helped paint a room. You dont need to do it again because you showed that you cared by showing up and doing it. In the future the only way I would do it is frankly if he asked. He wont ask again because I know him in that way to my toes. He just wont. He will only ask for something like that if it would sincerely help him out…..I guess I”m just not good at explaining it….

    I will tell you that if he and I were “together” and married, I would clean OUR house top to bottom. and often. But thats because I LOVE doing it. It makes me feel accomplished and I love it – just like some women love baking. It must be the same feeling.

    I can see what you are saying, and frankly, might even give that exact advice to someone else – because I hear myself and can see it from your perspective since I feel I do know you and we are friends……but its difficult to articulate.

    I saw him several times today. He has already printed off some sheet music for the piano for me today and we hung out at lunch and it was wonderful. 🙂

    We are having dinner and movie tonight and I’m excited about it.

    But, lets just all remember that although I’m super comfortable with this, I’m really taking everything you all are saying into account. I’m processing it. I’m trying to see it from outside myself. I’m thinking about it – and asking myself deep questions. I am not 100% sure I did the right thing, I juust know it felt right and it still feels really right. But I am always open to being wrong and having made a “mistake”. So I am listening. 🙂

    That said – as much as I am comfortable with this one decision, I know I will be on the ledge soon fretting about something…..LOL – thats who I am. 🙂



  216.  #216Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Wow, I am in such a good place, and I really feel the need to send out gratitude to Rori, to you wonderful insightful ladies, and to Dominique.

    R continues to treat me lovingly and attentively, and he is so incredibly easy and comfortable to be around.

    I am giving D tons and tons of space. Both because I had already decided to (based on a wonderful comment that I read by Daria that just clicked for me) and because today he asked me for it. He said he knew I cared about him, and he cared about me, and what would I say to some time apart?

    It felt good because I had already come to that conclusion, and so I was able to agree with him. He needs space to heal, or do whatever it is he is going to do with that time, and I definitely need time to heal and be with myself, to tend to those parts of me I have been neglecting.

    I am going to use this time to get out of my head and practice getting into my feelings and my body. He asked if we could have until I get back from my overseas holiday in a month’s time, and this was less time than I expected, yet I will see how I feel then. It will be nice to be in this clean, clear feeling space when I go on holiday, so yes, I agreed with him.



  217.  #217Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:16 am

    i wanna stop beating myself up – getting myself feeling sad about spending 10 more yesterday than i want to have spent

    and for not calling back the call about possibly picking up more money on Friday until yesterday

    I want to notice and appreciate when money shows up, rather than notice and grieve when it left

    this worked really well for me with EFT before, and I belive it can work really well with a man too ,

    I can use EFT to make a perspective shift



  218.  #218Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:18 am

    wow I feel so honored Indigo



  219.  #219Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:18 am

    I feel loved and appreciated here… ahhh 🙂



  220.  #220Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Indigo I guarantee that must have felt like love and respect to him.



  221.  #221Daria on June 4, 2013 at 11:41 am

    im feeling healthy and powerful and thats whats up ! 🙂



  222.  #222Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Elsie: I hear you. And as I said, I am super happy you were able to get comfortable with it. I’m still me and give the advice I give though (can’t seem to stop it) and if I ever hear of a woman cleaning a man’s house when he is living with another woman (married or not, lawyers or not, she LIVES there and they have children together with them in that same house…just like a family…), I will want to shake her. lol I just can’t help it.

    Imagine a daughter of yours telling you this story about how happy she was to help him out with this. Imagine how you would see the story if it were coming from her mouth instead of yours…

    If it happens, you will most likely be in a better place to receive it from her since you will have experience with it and thus empathy. I’m not quite there yet. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  223.  #223Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Strong Heart feelings

    continued:

    I read the book “Women that love too much” awhile back and after the comments about my posts on deep felt heart feelings… I sat with it and remembered something I read in that book a bout women that love too much…

    I read that women that love too much feel unworthy so that have to thank people more and feel more gratitude for what someone has done… and are overly loving and giving etc… my mom is like that… what ever you do for her, she has to pay you back 3fold or she doesn’t feel she has thanked you enough…

    I’m also reading Rori’s stuff about “you first” and also the Loving in the Moment book.. and realizing that this is seeded in conditioning… and could very well be…. big gulp here!! hard to swallow

    a way to get my needs met, feel worthy, coax, manipulate or even to get love… EEEEE!

    Feeling deeply is great! Make sure it is pure and not tainted with expectations or desire for love in return… why would I need to dump all of those loving deeply feeling messages on him… b/c I WANTED to make sure he knows I love him… and why would I do that… b/c what I do for him now wouldn’t be enough… (even though he says he can tell I love him deeply just by the way I look at him)… So I have to prove it! I want to make sure he does! So, he needs to know why I love him to make sure he understands that I do know why.. ( b/c he ask me the other night)..

    SO! I can find my minute covert intentions that might not be so pure… ” I want” is involved! I want him to know, I want him to feel loved, I want him to feel secure about my feelings… NO room for him… all of those are I want statements…

    Glad I didn’t send them… Glad I kept them for me… and glad I posted it so I could get feed back on it…

    {{{{ Hugs}}}}



  224.  #224Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Oh and I forgot to add… all of this b/c I have a deep belief that I ‘m not enough for a man… so I have to be overly loving… what I have to offer isn’t good enough… I have to love deeper…

    tears… falling…down… feels good to be totally honest with me…

    i’m more than enough , and my love is good enough… I’m good enough… love me



  225.  #225Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Lisa – I feel glad you didn’t either.

    I question though the part about loving too much just as I don’t think there is feeling too deeply. I don’t think there is any such thing, and how would this be measured anyway.

    What you describe does not sound to me like loving too much. It sounds far more like deep insecurities. And this is a place laden with agenda and expectations.

    xxoo



  226.  #226seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Lisa 218- I can find my minute covert intentions that might not be so pure… ” I want” is involved! I want him to know, I want him to feel loved, I want him to feel secure about my feelings… NO room for him… all of those are I want statements…

    Is it…………… I want to know, I want to feel loved, I want to feel secure about my own feelings????????????????

    This is also really helping myself, so thank you Lisa



  227.  #227Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Feminine Woman 215

    I absolutely felt the gentleness and the loving appreciation through his words.



  228.  #228Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Daria THANK YOU

    You never know when something you have to say is exactly what someone needs to hear, and I have been wanting to thank you for 2 days now.



  229.  #229Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Lisa – I was looking for something I can’t seem to find. Maybe it’s in my book or video program.

    In any case this article is somewhat what I wanted to share with you.

    http://sexandheart.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-healed

    xxoo



  230.  #230MovingMagic on June 4, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I don’t like cleaning AT ALL. Haha. What does that say about me? 😉



  231.  #231Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:08 pm


  232.  #232Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    @Dominique yes, me too… it has been a great learning experience… <3

    Loving too much… that is relative to anyone's definition of love… and then there is the ego's love ( which is laden in exceptions of getting something) and then there is Essense true love expecting nothing in return…

    In my experience. I think someone can feel too deeply ( be too sensitive) just another story, and that is the minds creation of it meaning something to love deeply.. again, laden with an agenda…

    The book outlines it..better, as does the book "Loving in the Moment".

    But I do love deeply, and that's good… and then there is the other part of me… that loves deeply b/c it feels that it needs to b/c I'm so replaceable… really is paradoxical and double sided… depends on where it is coming from.. my true self.. that has no expectations or my ego the one that is ( you are correct) laden with insecurities… and that post was laden with insecurities… underneath…

    Thanks so much for your reply….
    OXOX



  233.  #233Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    @Seahorse… could be true…

    I’ll do the work on it… and see what might be underneath those I want statements.. good find!

    <3



  234.  #234MovingMagic on June 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    I was thinking of structure in reference to working with children, & then it started going in a different direction. The only way I’m able to create through dance, & teaching/studying yoga is by studying and dedicating time/energy toward it. Being consistent in my approach & love for it. It’s through those principals that the creativity is truly able to flourish. I feel the same way about relating to children. Setting a foundation can allow for so much love, comfort, playfulness & honesty. It’s like a warm blanket on a brisk day.



  235.  #235Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Lisa – I don’t know. I think there are those who are deeply sensitive, myself included, yet TOO sensitive. I don’t choose to look at it in this way. I think it’s a gift we as ultra-sensitives have.

    I wrote a two part article series on this not that long ago.

    If you’re interested –

    http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-your-man-as-an-ultra-sensitive

    xxoo



  236.  #236Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:28 pm


  237.  #237sophie on June 4, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Love these articles Dominique – I am beginning to enjoy my ultra sensitivity a lot more since I’ve become better at feeling and expressing my feelings and allowing myself to feel safe with my vulnerability. Before I protected myself with a lot of anger and defensive behaviour now if I’m moved to tears (it happens a lot) I let myself cry and actually being in those feelings helps people to get closer to me.

    It took me a long time to realise that I was more sensitive than others and that others don’t feel emotions to the extent that I do x now that I realise it I am in the process of exploring it and embracing it x I wrote something the other day on sensuality which a CD of mine read and he was like ‘oh yes! now I understand how you experience your life and how you get so much from it’. It was nice. I am beginning to recognise my sensitivity as a gift. This was a good reminder to keep exploring, embracing and enjoying it more x thank you x



  238.  #238Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    I agree with Dominique 100% on this.

    I think that sensitivity is such a beautiful quality and a great gift, sensitive people see so much that others miss.

    I think it’s very much how you manage it and incorporate it into your life that makes all the difference.

    I have made great friends with my sensitivity and boy, has it enriched my life.



  239.  #239Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Sophie – Yes, YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  240.  #240Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Indigo – 🙂

    xxoo



  241.  #241Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I have read the book Women who Love Too Much too and I can also appreciate Dominique’s perspective. The concept of Loving with Too Much together suggests that there is something wrong and people should limit themselves with what they share. I am also thinking of overfunctioning.

    It makes me appreciate the concept of relationship dance more. The concept of two people helping each other to love each other.



  242.  #242seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    I’m a sensitive. I feel curious why i wouldn’t read the links before…………….. breathe seahorse……… wasn’t ready for that? …….. Protection coming from my ego………… ego telling me No you don’t need that seahorse you are doing fine…………… yuck feels like yuck now. Other old voices telling me to toughen up and be stronger………….. I don’t like that anymore. I am sensitive and i feel really good after reading that and i feel very grateful and soothed by it. Kinda like………. pride in myself………. confidence…… Thank you Dominque



  243.  #243seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    I can be this way and it’s okay!! I’m not weak, I am strong beyond measure……………… It feels like that sometimes…………. when there is too much noise and I feel all tight and can’t breathe……….. I catch myself more and more and I remember to breathe down really deep and it loosens me so the feelings can rush all through my body with no resistance. Let it just flow out the bottom of my feet into the earth where I am grounded too………………

    Then sometimes, not so much………………



  244.  #244Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    seahorse – 237 – From my heart depths I feel SO thankful for being created as a very sensitive being. Once I came to embrace and love this part of me, everything felt different, and a whole new and beautiful world opened to me.

    There is great strength in sensitivity and vulnerability.

    It feels good seeing you have come to love this part of you as well.

    Sure sometimes it can feel overwhelming, yet I wouldn’t give this part up and have to miss out on the richness of the rest.

    xxoo



  245.  #245Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Cant figure out why my posts arent posting.



  246.  #246Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    @Mercedes –

    Here is the thing……

    I hear you. I truly do. I just hope that my decision wont come back to haunt me on this board/forum. I feel like for some reason you and maybe some others are perched waiting …. and if something bad happens in the future between him and me, you will say maybe its my fault for doing this, or my fault for another reason, or that I somehow deserved being treated poorly etc.

    For some reason now I feel scared, and insecure on this forum, and I have never felt that way before. As if what I’ve said is going to be used against me.

    I just feel sort of nervous that you and a few others think I did something wrong. I dont know why but I feel insecure and scared that it will be used against me in the future when I ask for advice….



  247.  #247Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Elsie: Are you saying bad words??? 😉

    Just kidding…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  248.  #248Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    LOL. No…



  249.  #249Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Its not saying it went to moderation – its just not showing up …. hmmmm let me try again.



  250.  #250Elsie on June 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I feel like what I said would be used against me in the future – I feel vulnerable and scared and a bit insecure. I know that many of you felt my decision was wrong, and I feel like it will be used against me in the future when I have questions, etc. or need advice. I’m just nervous about that – because I dont want it to be that this is my fault or I’m a horrible person and it be used against me in the future……I know that this is coming from my mom and issues I have with her, but that is how I feel, and I feel nervous …



  251.  #251Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Elsie: I think you need a big hug! Whether or not anyone agrees with your decision doesn’t matter. You feel good. We’re bound to talk about it…that’s the nature of this blog. But…that doesn’t mean it is forever branded on you or makes you a horrible person or anything like that at all. It just means a topic resonated with multiple people and we spent some time on it. Regardless of how any of us feel, YOU feel good and in YOUR relationship, that’s all that matters. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  252.  #252Mercedes on June 4, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Yoga humor for the day: Yogi Bhajan was teaching on the differences between men and women. He said women live in the center of their being all the time and have an inborn capacity to tackle everything. He also said that by nature man either lives in his head or in his testicles. Then he quoted a saying from the Kama Shastra… “When a woman is in bed, and sexual intercourse is perfect, and she is totally blended with the man, even at that time she can think that the tea may boil over.”

    🙂

    (I don’t think I could…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  253.  #253GlowStix on June 4, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    This is for sure the best thing i’ve read in a while 🙂



  254.  #254GlowStix on June 4, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    FW 208

    oh, be his heartbeat is my favourite tool 🙂 xxx



  255.  #255Zia on June 4, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    179 mercedes – omg i LOVE this idea!!! In fact, I so far have loved ALL the things you’ve written about raising your children. My boy is only 2, but I already am in the habit of giving him choices instead of telling him what to do. If he takes too long to decide what to wear in the mornings, I’ll pick a few things and ask him to choose which one to wear etc. I also offer various options instead of demanding he does a specific thing. I am also learning to be patient with him. When I ask him to do something, I’ve noticed sometimes he can take a minute for it to tick through his brain and then he’ll toddle off and do it without me having to ask again. Love this method of parenting.



  256.  #256Zia on June 4, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    totally going to write down that stair basket idea for the future.



  257.  #257Femininewoman on June 4, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Ooooohhh Glowstix 🙂

    Clap hands. Happy Dance 🙂

    So good to see you



  258.  #258Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    I just saw this on Facebook…

    A man asked his father how will I ever find the right woman? The father replied, forget about finding the right woman. Focus on bring the right man.

    Yep, true for us too!



  259.  #259Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    @ Dominique Great post!

    Yes, I’m that way and I do love it.. I smell more, taste more and sense things most people can’t. I do love that about me…

    The part I’m meaning is the part that takes things personally all the time, gets hurt b/c I think it is about me, and needs more and more…. it has deep insecurities.. that is the part which I was calling the ego ( love) it doesn’t get enough and it gets hurt easily.

    I loved your post ( the link you posted)…. and the more I heal and find my injured parts and allow them to come up and be loved, the LESS my injured part needs more security, feels hurt more deeply…and I feel stronger inside…

    The part that is empathetic and deeply non judgmental and accepting, smells more, tastes more and feels deeply loving ( from the unconditional love way) won’t change… that part is my Essence… and it is amazing…

    I’ll look over your part 2…

    Thanks so much!!! <3 OXOX



  260.  #260Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    @ Turquoise

    Love that… was that “being” the right man…

    I find that is true yes for all of us….

    Thanks for posting this… I loved it…

    <3



  261.  #261Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Elsie – 248 – There are no wrong decisions. You decided what was best for YOU in those moments. The decisions you make may or may not feel good, yet whatever it is you feel as a result of your decisions, YOU get to choose to learn from them or not.

    It’s all learning experience, so it’s ALL good.

    xxoo



  262.  #262Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Lol, Mercedes, I love that karma shastra quote. It’s been a long time since I’ve had perfect sex, but I bet the next time I do, I’ll be thinking about the tea. 🙂 thanks for sharing!



  263.  #263Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Lisa – 257 – So you use this part of you which is deeply empathetic to love on the parts of you which get bruised easily, which feels insecure and needy. These are part of you too, part of your ultra-sensitivity which is also beautiful.

    K knows I’m more sensitive than many, and he loves this part of me.

    It’s okay to ask for a hug from whomever when you’re feeling needy. Say you are feeling needy, and ask for that hug. I do. And K is happy to oblige.

    The more you can love and accept ALL parts of your sensitivity, the easier everything will feel when you’re sensitivities are being challenged.

    xxoo



  264.  #264Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Yes Lisa… Being the right man 🙂



  265.  #265Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    I really love this being his heartbeat tool. I never heard of it before. It’s such a powerful visual for me. Rori’, thanks for the reminder of the tools… Choosing my words is still something I have to think about… But the rest comes very naturally now. 🙂



  266.  #266elsie on June 4, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Mercedes…. im on my deck….bird singing…ive had three glasses of wine. Beautiful out here
    He is upstairs fixing some house stuff for me. Im just enjoying myself. Ive thought of you. Im having a great time by myself waiting for him to come back to me he has been working on things in my house for the last few hours. Im sitting with a glass of wine……waiting for him to come enjoy me.
    .



  267.  #267elsie on June 4, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Mercedes…. im on my deck….bird singing…ive had three glasses of wine. Beautiful out here
    He is upstairs fixing some house stuff for me. Im just enjoying myself. Ive thought of you. Im having a great time by myself waiting for him to come back to me he has been working on things in my house for the last few hours. Im sitting with a glass of wine……waiting for him to come enjoy me. D
    .



  268.  #268elsie on June 4, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Mercedes… im sitting on my deck birds singing drinking wine. He has been working around my house for two houra ……waiting for him to come enjoy me. Im having . Great time by myself. Hope he comess to enjoy me because i rock :he r:cks so dar and im having a great time by myself and i love him lol……)



  269.  #269elsie on June 4, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Whoops. Obviously duplicate posts. Sorry.



  270.  #270Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    @Mercedes

    I’d love to read that or hear that… is it somewhere I can read on that teaching from him.

    That is so cool! I’ve had perfect sex lately.. 🙂 and not sure what he meant about the tea boiling over…

    I think I know what he means but want to make sure….

    <3



  271.  #271Dominique on June 4, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Lisa – I’m not so sure I agree, yet what is meant is that a woman can be in the moment completely yet still be multi-tasking.

    xxoo



  272.  #272Lisa on June 4, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    @Elsie

    I love that when I’m enjoying myself by myself and waiting on him to come and enjoy me too! And he does! It’s amazing.. me loving me and him loving me…

    It doesn’t happen as often as I’d like… but when it does, it feels really great and feminine…



  273.  #273Lioness on June 4, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have the ebook. It’s a great book and I’ve been working with the exercises. Maybe I’m not exploring my feelings deep enough or not practicing enough and maybe I need to read it again . I’ll do that this weekend!

    I thought that you are supposed to follow your feelings and express them to your date with no concern for the outcome. I believe it makes me more authentic. Maybe I understood it wrong. But, your advice to me about using FMs just for movies, experiences and less about the relationship etc was a surprise.
    I’m confused about your advice. About Not using feeling messages to talking-about the Relationship. To me everything is about the relationship. For example in modern siren, when the girl was on the pretend date and the guy didn’t get the chair for her and she expressed her feelings about standing there…isn’t that “about the relationship” in a sense?
    Now it all sounds like…”pick your battles”…So in essence is that what you’re telling me and others to do when it comes to circular dating and expressing ourselves?

    I guess your right…and I’m having trouble with the “When and Which” part and thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. I think I really just need to practice more. It’s difficult because the minute you get up in your head choosing your feelings and when to say it, it like you have to fight against Strategy and Agenda mode!!

    p.s You’re an awesome coach Rori and you have given me so so much!! I feel protective thinking about anyone bashing you and your work on the internet but I had to bring these thoughts up. Sorry if I’m just not getting it.



  274.  #274Turquoise on June 4, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Lioness, I think she meant that you don’t want to be talking about your relationship all the time…. And that when speaking in feeling messages, a lot of the focus should be on yourself, not just the relationship…,

    Men can get leery when it feels like THE TALK. If you use a feeling message to say, how wonderful you feel with the warm sunshine on your skin, he may start thinking about how much he wants to touch your skin. It’s about inspiring and intriguing him… I think, that’s how I’ve taken it at least. 🙂



  275.  #275seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    I was at the mall shopping for year end awards for my daughter…………. i went to ask the sales lady if they could a dress off the display……………… she was speaking to a man who is in charge of security and he was so tall and built like a teddy bear. I felt so happy to look at him while they were speaking and i was waiting my turn. He looked at me and did a double take……………… I felt my smile and I had the beginning of a NV try to pop up…… It felt like a shame on you NV for ogling that man……… shut that NV and then went on smiling and………….. meet his eyes for 5 seconds, then I couldn’t do anymore of that because I was starting to turn red and the lady was smiling at me then…………. hehehehehe……….. went on my merry shopping way and when we left the store , there he was standing there, smiling and I did a half smile and then looked down and my daughter was right there and we were walking arm in arm………… she tells me, all quiet like……….. MOM, that man was checking you out! I giggled and said I KNOW!!! How cool was that???? She looked kinda shocked but laughed. I feel pleased and grateful for that experience. I felt………… at ease. Thank you



  276.  #276seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I was ina rush to get that out. Sorry for so many typos!! 😉



  277.  #277seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I feel proud I did that:)



  278.  #278seahorse on June 4, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Dominque- Thank you so very much:)



  279.  #279Millie on June 4, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Daria- did you see the last post I wrote to you on the previous thread?



  280.  #280Emerson on June 4, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    I’m feeling a bit fed up. I know that’s negative but it’s truez I feel annoyed by the men I am meeting. It’s all about them and their needs. Seems alot of guys online are host on there for sex no matter if they insist they want a relationship, yes maybe they do, but they seem to think its ok to suggest sex on the second date???
    Sigh

    I feel so fed up and not cared for!!



  281.  #281Indigo on June 4, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Emerson

    From my own perspective: all men want sex. If they didn’t, that would be a cause for concern. And remember that they talk in “boy talk” and so sometimes their desire for you comes out in saying crass or inappropriate words. Personally, I try to forgive this unless it feels really bad, in which case I would express my discomfort or the fact that it feels bad.

    I have found it a really empowering experience to experiment with ways of slowing down the sexual pace, with my actions and to a lesser extent my words. If a guy is worth it, I find this can actually heighten his interest in you. Basically, in a nutshell what I’m trying to say is, I *try* to see it as a compliment and see slowing things down sexually as my job. Not sure if this is helpful.



  282.  #282Millie on June 4, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Guess who just asked me for my numba–Friday night 13+ older song/dance man. I feel all bubbly inside! I wonder why I feel attracted to older men though….



  283.  #283Rori Raye on June 4, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    Lioness – You’re bringing up so many great points…here’s the first thing that showed up for me: There’s the Soup of emotions. We’re feeling lots of different things at the same time. I’m feeling hurt that you said this, or looked at me that way, or…and I’m feeling joy at the crispness of the air and the sound of music in the background, and the fact that I’m alive and with this person. All at the same time. So – I’m ALWAYS choosing what to focus my energy on! ALWAYS. I’m never NOT choosing what to put my attention on. There are thoughts in my head, sensations in my body, feelings in my heart. If I’m not choosing my heart over my head – I’ll always be thinking, and that will feel normal to me. If I’m always feeling angry, or sad, or hurt, or upset – then the thoughts that go with that are the ones I’m focusing on, instead of the accepting, I’m okay, he’s okay ones.

    It’s not about “picking battles.” It’s about – if I’m feeling angry – what else is going on? Where am I coming from? Is that the feeling I ALWAYS go to? Is there something else I’m feeling, thinking, experiencing? The idea is to change the old patterns by becoming aware of all the possibilities. Inside me, outside me. All the choices of where I can put my attention. What I can put words to.

    And talking about the “relationship” – is it a “feeling thing” – or is it a “discussion” thing. Is it an in-the-moment thing, or is it an agenda?

    I’m just asking us to look at everything going on inside. And when I do a demonstration – because I’m teaching a Tool – I’m going to focus on doing that. Learning how to talk in FM’s just works best, in my experience, at the beginning (just like learning any language) if you focus your attention on the Poetry – on the good feelings and interested and curious feelings – more than the upset, sad, irritated feelings. I’m not saying to not own them and express them. I’m just saying that, at the beginning of learning – it’s so much more powerful to learn to express what you’re experiencing all around you, and become more aware of that, to keep you in the moment, keep you present.

    This is totally strategy-less. I know this is not a total clear-up of your question. I just want to keep the talk open. When I write in comment-form, I’m sort of working it out as I go along. When I write a post, I try to really think and work it through over time. So this is way more spontaneous, and, perhaps – less clear. And…if someone’s bashing me on the internet, I haven’t read it – and it’s just fine! Love, Rori



  284.  #284Rori Raye on June 4, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    Turquoise – love how you just put this about Feeling Messages…Love, Rori



  285.  #285Zia on June 4, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    I’ve noticed a few sirens getting frustrated with the whole online dating thing recently – I have been in the same boat on numerous occasions, and recently got “Finding the One Online” from Evan Marc Katz and I can say BOY. Its completely changed the way I feel about the whole online dating experience!!! I feel so much more positive about it all, and am actually finding it fun… and its helped with being able to meet much more decent men than I was before.



  286.  #286Zia on June 4, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    (I actually came across his blog from some of Rori’s posts on this blog)



  287.  #287Rori Raye on June 4, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Emerson, I know so many men who are not only gentlemen – but gentle. So much so that they’re shy, lonely, afraid to walk up to a woman. Afraid of being rejected, think that women are all sick of being “hit on” and don’t have the time of day for them. They say women don’t smile at them or give them a clue that it’s okay to talk to them. They don’t know what to do or say. There must be SO many of these men. They’re available. They’re good. They think they want one thing in a woman, but they really just want a friend who likes them and makes them feel so liked and accepted and wants to have great sex with them. Really simple. I was thinking about doing some kind of reality show, where I show up at odd places around the country where people hang out, take microphones and a camera crew – and just force people to talk to each other. Thank you for all your comments. Love, Rori



  288.  #288Rori Raye on June 4, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Indigo, love this insight about men and sex. Love, Rori



  289.  #289Millie on June 5, 2013 at 12:42 am

    Rori– I would love to watch a show like that…
    Talking with random strangers in random places feels like seeing something no one else sees, like witnessing a falling star or butterfly unfold its wings. I love making connections with people I will probably never see again. For that moment–you were connected.

    @Indigo- Well said! I agree with you on this…but I need to work on learning to slow it down.



  290.  #290Indigo on June 5, 2013 at 3:48 am

    Thank you Rori 🙂 *blushes*



  291.  #291Indigo on June 5, 2013 at 3:52 am

    Millie,

    I’ve learned it can be as simple as deciding beforehand how far you are willing to go and then very, very sweetly, but firmly, stopping things when they get to that point. No big conversation necessary, just “it’s time to go home now” or something of that nature. At least this has worked pretty well for me. Personally I think men respond really well to these kinds of simple, clear messages.



  292.  #292Indigo on June 5, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Day two of giving D space.

    I have a dinner date tonight with R. Another opportunity for me to practice feeling relaxation and enjoyment during this time.

    Hm, sigh. It’s a beautiful, clear-blue-sky day here, with a warm sun and a cold wind. So delicious.



  293.  #293Heart on June 5, 2013 at 4:41 am

    Bloggies – 2 guys I had one or two dates with..one last year and the other 3 months ago both sent me facebook friend requests..I have no romantic feelings for these men but I feel very curious and surprised by their return…
    Should I add them?



  294.  #294Zara on June 5, 2013 at 5:17 am

    Heart

    *****mali says:

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I wanted to share something with you Sirens.

    For the past three years, I’ve known a guy, let’s call him Alex.
    He lives about two hours away from me, and we’re both busy studying.
    He’s always been a complete gentleman to me, taken care of me when I’ve seen him, and I’ve just felt so GOOD and sireny around him.
    The thing is, we don’t maintain much contact, and we don’t see eachother much either. He treats me so well when I see him, and he’s eager to see me whenever I’m in his hometown, however at times he forgets or doesn’t get back to me about meeting up.
    I sense sincerity on his part, especially when he messages me, offering a hug, or words of comfort and advice when he sees statuses of mine on facebook as feeling sad or hurt, and I truly appreciate it.

    However, after three years, a part of me *still* likes him. I know that, considering our history of communication and meeting up, I need to try and let this go. He’s a good man, but I know that the repeated “getting stuck” on him when I do see him, and the wondering of what ifs isn’t doing me any good.

    So I’ve deleted him from my facebook account and all other IM applications.
    The only way of communication is thru my number. I’m sure that at somepoint he will ask me why I deleted him, and when that time comes, this will be my speech:

    “I feel really vulnerable saying this to you, and scared. It is so important to keep myself happy and to look after myself. I think you’re a wonderful man, and over time I began to develop feelings for you. That scared me. I’ve loved seeing you, and I’ve felt so good around you, but I know what it is that I’m looking for, and this isn’t it for me.”

    Any thoughts on the above, my lovely Goddesses? =) *****

    Rori Raye says:

    *****mali – your unfriending this man was a sensationally terrific, thoughtful cutting off of this most public way of contact…and brava to you!!! You are, in a sense, ending this relationship, this friendship because you do not feel comfortable with this man at the level of “friendship” he offers.
    Many FB friends are simply that – FB friends. They are in our lives only through FB. Many are family…and they have no requirements except that they are family.
    Weeding out your FB list and choosing only those with whom you wish to maintain emotionally intimate friendships (this means you NEVER friend a man you are dating unless he’s your boyfriend…and if that ends, and he does not become your husband…you can choose to unfriend him. )
    If FB is your “inner circle” (and not just “friends of friends”…) then you must be vigilant about being happy sharing with whoever’s on your list. If you’re not, consider deleting them from your list is the way to go. (I love your speech, by the way.)

    On the other hand, if a man friends you, for whatever reason and then unfriends you, that’s it. Over, done. If you’re longtime “friends” and you care about him, you can ask him about it…but to me, it’s done. I personally consider that a very violent act on his part, and very different from your careful reasoning…Men are not women, to me. If a man walks away – he’s walked away. He’s not be be chased, not to be missed. Very different from what I see a man doing should a woman walk away because the man hasn’t shown sufficient interest. That’s my view, at least.*****



  295.  #295Andrea on June 5, 2013 at 5:44 am

    “If a man walks away – he’s walked away. He’s not to be chase, not to be missed…” Rori

    OOOoohhhhhh…. So he is NOT to be missed.

    (feeling jokey and making light of my own situation… )

    Love this quote and it just reinforces my most inner feelings. Deep inside I feel resolute and lovely about this… oh.. so DON’T miss him. : )

    I think Ms. Andrea is going to be okay. hehehehee



  296.  #296Veronica on June 5, 2013 at 6:10 am

    I wish I had the guts to do what Mali did. He’s gone gone gone and I’m *still* staying friends with him on fb. Ugh. Maybe in time. This is typical me: stay hanging in there because it might change – that hasn’t worked for me yet, but I still keep doing it.



  297.  #297Veronica on June 5, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Rori, Indigo, Turquoise and Lioness – I’m loving what you’re doing here : )



  298.  #298Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 6:21 am

    I love the discussion between Rori and Lioness it is helping me to keep my attention in my body and helping me to feel the tension in my back, my neck and my shoulder. It is getting easy to focus on the now and my body feelings.



  299.  #299Mercedes on June 5, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Good morning ladies! J has been out of town for a few days and he’s coming home tonight! YAY!!! I’m sooooo excited!!!

    Zia: I don’t think 2yrs old is too young for a stair basket. It just might mean you have to help put everything away in the evening (and you won’t have the part about the donations yet) but it will set a good pattern with your children to know the baskets get put away at a certain time. I think my oldest was maybe 7 or so when we started it which means the younger two were learning it from ages 2 and 3. 🙂

    Elsie: Awesome! I love that!!

    Lisa: It was just a little paragraph in a book I’m reading (Kundalini Yoga The Flow of Eternal Power. As taught by Yogi Bhajan, Ph.D Shakti Parwha Kaur Khalsa). It doesn’t go into much detail but this chapter on women explains his thoughts and teachings about “how women are”. I disagree with much of it but have to keep remembering that these teachings came from the 1960’s or so. That particular piece was something I just thought was funny (much of the rest of it feels a little either sexist, naive or disrespectful…). As Dominique says, it is referencing the fact that we multitask so much and at all times. I don’t think I’m worried about tea or anything else when I’m having great sex but I still thought it was humorous. 🙂

    Hope everyone has a fantastic day!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  300.  #300Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Veronica – typical you shows you your pattern. Changing patterns will present a new you so why not just go for it? Think of it as attractive. Easy to do.



  301.  #301Heart on June 5, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Veronica – don’t do it …it’s unnecessary…just move him off your newsfeed and don’t check his page. Babysteps…it’s ok to hold on …until your ready to let go. This has worked for me with no real pain or anguish involved. Your main focus right now should be on Feeling good…Unfriending him and forcing a total disconnect will cause you unnecessary Pain, sadness, loss & heartache…and feeling good will take more effort.
    Just practice a little self-control…Work on not checking his FB ever and explore what feelings come up when u feel like u habe too. It’s actually a good exercise.
    You will eventually forget his existence.

    If you’re holding on…unfriending him will have no real effect…other than give u some temporary short-lived empowerment feeling…And you’ll still be holding on regardless….except now you’ll be Obsessing about the unfriending as well. Holding on is not a choice. If it was we would all snap our fingers and let go…Holding on is just whereyour at and that’s ok….as long as u keep moving and making yourself feel good.

    I came here last year obsessing about some dude and FB and whatever. i haven’t checked his FB in 11 months or so and barely remember his existence.



  302.  #302Syreena on June 5, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I felt sad to day hearing about another marriage where a man has told his wife that he just sees them as friends but how he wants to win her back no she has pulled away.
    He told her that he fancies another woman as she ticks all his boxes but want to win her back.

    I just do not get how a man thinks telling his wife that he doesn’t fancy her anymore and only sees her as a friend and fancies another woman who is in his eyes slimmer and prettier will make his wife want to give him a chance to win her back.
    It seems so very shallow to me.
    I wouldn’t want any man back who told me this.
    I would feel turned off on a deep level by a man who only valued mine or another womans outer appearance.
    That would feel awful to me. I felt her pain over this. She was hurt.
    What women wouldn’t be hurt by that? 🙁



  303.  #303Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 8:06 am

    “Unfriending him and forcing a total disconnect will cause you unnecessary Pain, sadness, loss & heartache.”

    This is a choice.
    This is not true. The breakup pain is already there.

    “If you’re holding on” – how can you hold on to something/someone that you don’t have.

    “unfriending him will have no real effect” – unfriending him will have the effect of unfriending him and whatever else you choose to think. Maybe he doesn’t even pay that much attention to FB. Why give it so much power?

    “…other than give u some temporary short-lived empowerment feeling” – why not give yourself feelings of empowerment? You are giving it to yourself and get to decide if it is temporary or permanent; if it is long or short-lived. At least having the mental option can open to gate to the emancipate yourself from the mental prison.

    Ever heard of act like a lady think like a guy? A guy would not give second thought about what he decided to do if he decided to walk away.

    Advice from coach Mark Scott:-

    “I asked her to take on the attitude that most men
    adapt to, after they’ve slept with a woman.

    That is – to remain calm, a little distant and,
    completely secure.”

    I would rather that you think of how unfriending him will change your life for the better, as you consider doing it. You have enough mental and emotional resources to resolve the problem.



  304.  #304Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 8:33 am

    I unfriended one b/c I didn’t want to continue to see his face showing up on my facebook page…and it felt good… so I guess it is all about what your intentions are.. If some want to keep them as a FB friend to give them a chance to change their mind… then I might re-consider changing that intent… if I want to unfriend them to hurt them, then I might want to re-consider that.. It’s is for me all about my intention is.. and if it will really give you freedom or will it be used to hurt yourself ( in the long run). I un-friended him b/c it would hurt me in the long run to have him pop up and see his face.. so I felt like I was protecting myself… I didn’t even consider his feelings.. b/c he wasn’t important anymore…

    <3 {{{{Hugs}}}}



  305.  #305Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Got this from the Bug Free Mind guy:-

    ‘And ask yourself, is that thought helping you create your perfect life, or is draining away valuable “mind power” you could be using elsewhere?



  306.  #306Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Ok – so last night I made some bad choices, and learned a lot.

    He came over, we had dinner together, and he fixed a bunch of stuff around my house – it was very nice, and a great time. Around 8:00 he said – you know I”m not spending the night, right? I said – no, I didnt know that. And then he said he had some obligations at home etc. and he sort of felt bad saying it but he doesnt get good sleep in my bed because it is soft (I already knew this.)

    So, I should have said ok, and then processed my feelings but I didnt. I got upset. I felt rejected. Even though he has done so much for me. I still felt rejected. What is wrong with me that I need so much approval and reassurance?

    So – I said well, I like waking up to you in the morning and it hasnt happened in a long time (well it happened the other day, but usually I cant let it happen because of kids/work/etc.) And so then he got really frustrated, and he said – well, arent my feelings important too? Now you have made me feel bad for just doing what I need to get done. I planned on staying until 1am or so, I just need to do some stuff in the morning at the house, and need to get some good sleep…

    and then he said…..why cant this be easy? I told you – I’m just not good at realtionships. (He has said this before to me.)

    I realize now, he and I are just bad at communicating (which is a big part of being good/bad in relationships….but I digress.)

    So, I stopped the train. I said, listen. I never meant to make you feel bad. And you are great at this – at our relationships. I feel safe with you and you help me around the house, and with everything, and I feel very loved by you. I am just asking – in the future when everything is settled do you want to be there in the morning next to me? And he said – yes, of course, etc.

    So it worked out ok, but I learned a LOT. I learned that for ME, I need to process things a little longer, because I have a knee jerk reaction to things and I’m not sure that what I’m feeling initially is ACTUALLY what Im feeing, or just remnants of leftover stuff that doesnt really apply to this realtionship. I learned that he is really not good at communciation, LOL.

    I did say to him, hey, this is not hard, but there are times that things may get challenging because we both want different things in that moment, and all I am asking is that when those moments happen you are with me to try to figure out how to fix it and make us both happy somehow with a compromise, and he smiled and said ok.

    I learned a lot. About him and myself.

    I’m on shaky ground this morning because I am not sure if he is coming over tonight, and I REALLY want him to – but you know he may need his space a bit after that last night. I’m not sure.

    But I have decided that whatever his decision is, I need to learn to be more confident in myself and love myself and not need so much reassurance. That is going to be a very very very hard and long road for me.



  307.  #307Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Re-reading Rori’s ebook now. Wondering if any of you have purchased any of her other programs and what you thought of them. I’m considering doing the whole package deal, but wondered what you all thought of them, and how they compared to the e-book, etc. Thanks!



  308.  #308Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Also, on the Rori’s programs, is it something you can see and download on your phone or do you have to have a laptop? Just curious…



  309.  #309Syreena on June 5, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Advice from coach Mark Scott:-

    “I asked her to take on the attitude that most men
    adapt to, after they’ve slept with a woman.

    That is – to remain calm, a little distant and,
    completely secure.”

    As a woman I would feel inauthentic adapting an attitude that was another person told me I should have. That is not who I really am. That feels like pretending to be something I am not I don’t want to be.

    This makes me feel exasperated. As I woman I want to feel close, connected and secure to a man I have chosen to share myself and my body with in such an emotional and physical act. I don’t wany to compartmentalize sex into just a physical act wanting to then be a little distant afterwards. That would feel awful. I don’t want to have sex with a man who wants to do this. No thanks. I want a man who is connected to all of himself who wants to be close and connected with me after sex, that makes me feel secure. So by choosing a man like that who wants what I want then I would feel then feel happy whole and secure about sharing my body in such an intimate way.



  310.  #310Dominique on June 5, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Elsie – 306 – “That is going to be a very very very hard and long road for me.”

    Only if you decide it will be. It CAN feel easy if you choose to look at this in this way. Every time things go a bit wonky, laugh at yourself; tell yourself – oops, there I go again. silly me.

    You CAN be lighthearted about this processing and transformation within you. And it won’t then feel hard.

    No one is perfect, and the journey continues for a life time, so you may as well have some fun along the way.

    And by the way, I don’t think last night went badly at all. You caught yourself and redirected your course. I think it was brilliant.

    xxoo



  311.  #311Rori Raye on June 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Syreena – you are getting so GOOD at this Feeling Message thing! I experience you in a whole new way – and I find myself HEARING you so much more deeply. I hope you like it, too. Love, Rori



  312.  #312Rori Raye on June 5, 2013 at 10:59 am

    All – I’ve promised to not make this “public” with a post until everyone who’s already asked for a space in this has been taken care of – but I want to let you know, and give you “first dibs” on a space (only 15 total) before the rush. Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training (RRRCT) begins July 8th. So, if this tickles you, makes you think coaching might be for you as a career or side-line, check out the information page http://www.coachrori.com/be-a-rori-raye-relationship-coach and write Melanie@CoachRori.com for a passworded link to enrollment. Instead of helping other coaches and friends professionally, now I’ll be mentoring and referring to the new RRR Coaches. (I consider Dominique to be my first Certified Rori Raye Coach, and will always support and refer to her – she’s amazing…) If you want that to be you, too, let me know. Love, Rori



  313.  #313MovingMagic on June 5, 2013 at 11:01 am

    I don’t send friend requests to men I’m dating. To me the whole thing feels a bit impersonal. Haha…I also want to avoid any desire I might have to check out their page. When men ask about it, I just tell them that I have a page but don’t put much energy into it. They don’t bring it after that. 🙂



  314.  #314Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 11:03 am

    “I want a man who is connected to all of himself”

    I couldn’t help but wonder where this perfect man is?



  315.  #315Leyli on June 5, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Rori you are so great!

    However I found it difficult to really HEAL on the inside. I feel a big pain, sorrow, sadness and loneliness inside me. Not always though. There are many moments I feel WOW and so confident and feminine as if I’m the best woman in the world. But my pain is deeper.

    With the help of your programs I have a gorgeous boyfriend (I’m in my twenties and not looking to get married yet) of 2 years that I really feel confident and happy with. And he is happy to do all the chasing and caring. He has some level of fear as well, but he leads the relationship really well. When we are together I feel completely THE GIRL. He’s a student and we live in different cities, we are together normally on weekends. He is the one that does the future talks about getting married and being together always, however I have my personal issues I need to solve first.

    I know the real me is a positive, confident and even ‘bitchy’ but feminine and kind girl and I love her. The other part of me, however, is needy with low self-esteem, and I struggle to love her. I want her to go and leave me alone. Because of her and her low self esteem I can’t enter the world my confident part wants. She always cares what other people are thinking and fear of their thoughts. She thinks I can’t do good and big things. She thinks I don’t need to be happy. She thinks I don’t deserve friends and I’m better off alone. She is nagging and telling me how unworthy I am. I just want to scream, “Fuck you and piss off,let my confident me, the real me take over so I could have a happy life!!”, but she just keeps coming back…

    Is there any book, movie I could get help from, maybe some of your programs that I could take a closer focus on to help me heal and let go the part of me I don’t want in me?
    I don’t want to accept her or embrace her (the low-esteem nagging me), I tried that already and it only made things worse. I want her out



  316.  #316Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    @Syreena I hear you!!!! I’d have to ask that coach that quoted that what man that is distant like that, really truly confident. IMO a man that is confident doesn’t have to distance himself from a woman after sex… Just my 2 cents…

    “M” wants to cuddle and just BE with me after sex… I love love love that.. about him! He is the one that insisted that we connect on a deeper level than “sex”. He looks deep into my eyes and smiles at me… so I totally get what you WANT for yourself and you should have it!

    I do agree @femininewoman I don’t know where a man that is totally connected to himself is and I can say that I’m not totally either.. but I do understand that desire…

    <3



  317.  #317Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    http://www.000relationships.com/tomen/newsletters/online-dating-tips.php

    Online Dating: What You Need to Consider

    Online dating is entertainment.

    Given all this, it’s surprising that anyone can take online dating seriously as a form of courtship in the old-fashioned sense. Online dating sites merely provide a forum for men and women to make the first contact. In this sense, they have more in common with the notion of a “meat market” where men and women parade their assets in hopes of getting chosen.

    As you can see, online dating is not an end in itself. It’s merely a meeting place, like a virtual bar where singles hang out hoping to spot the partner of their dreams. Once you meet your prospect in person, all the regular rules of dating apply.



  318.  #318Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 12:05 pm


  319.  #319prplpsn28 on June 5, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    What Elsie says in #306 (” I need to learn to be more confident in myself and love myself and not need so much reassurance.”) is so true of myself. I have a difficult time with the “TRUSTING”.



  320.  #320Turquoise on June 5, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Wow, thank you Rori! I feel like I just got a gold star! It’s sinking in! 🙂



  321.  #321Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    @Dominique – Thats totally true. I never thought of it as a fun journey to take where the twists and turns in the road make the road actually FUN.

    I should TOTALLY be like……wow, there I go again, silly me. 🙂

    I do like the fact that I can see that I”m not doing the right thing in a certain situation – that is a HUGE step for me. 🙂

    And thank you for saying that last night didnt go badly. I have seen him today and he seems fine. We’ll see. 🙂 He is VERY tired – he took some medicine for allergies and its knocked him out all day, so I’m pretty sure he isnt coming over tonight and guess what – I’M TOTALLY OK WITH THAT. Bubble bath, reading book, cleaning floors and painting toenails time. 🙂 Love it. Its going to be an awesome night. 🙂

    And if he does come over – that will be awesome too.

    Whatever. 🙂 I’m good.



  322.  #322Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    @Rori #312

    Wow that was wonderful page to read! I had this deep gut feeling and overwhelming desire to cry when I read your page on the Coach program..

    Funny my whole life since I was very young people have told me their problems.. even in the grocery line. I’ve never understood why… I never wanted to be a psychotherapist but have studied psychology and human behavior for 20+ years.

    I really love how you have written the outline and something for me to ponder… most especially since, I love your programs so much. I’m wondering if I can, once certified, incorporate some of my own experience and knowledge into my coaching. Since I’ve studied so many other areas of knowledge and tools?

    This really is invoking deep feelings in me even typing this…. hummm… wonder what feelings are surfacing?

    Blessings



  323.  #323Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    On the topic of men not being able to sleep at your house b/c of the bed being too soft… “M” has that issue. It is causing us a great deal of issues the sleeping thing… I have a child, it’s hard to have me and her there at his house and stressful for me… I don’t sleep all that well at his house, but better than he sleeps at mine. He needs space to sleep and firm bed, I need cuddling and soft bed. He has cuddled before sleep and first thing in the morning to compensate… which makes me feel good. But he really doesn’t want to sleep at my house at all b/c he doesn’t like to feel really tired the next day. I notice even at his house with me there he sleeps only ok….. and might get 1 hour more sleep at his house than mine…

    He likes to be in his comfort zone… I’m really wondering about how others have dealt with this issue. It isn’t time to move in together so, not sure what might be a good way to help us both feel our needs are being met….

    <3



  324.  #324Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    From Communication Secrets of Powerful People:-

    People who point out the obvious think they are being sensitive. You are not sensitive or empathetic with obvious statements. It is outright annoying and forms a reasoning communication barrier.
    There is no need to make the simple problem worse by pointing it out and making the person feel frustrated. By using factual statements and pointing out the obvious, especially in stressful situations, intense levels of frustration and misunderstandings occur. On the other hand, powerful people with prestige and status have no need or desire to point out the obvious. You can become one of these powerful persons and overcome the reasoning problem of pointing out the obvious by letting the person suffer in silence. However, it is not really “suffering” as you are doing the person more good by not annoying them with your little obvious statements. Overlooking the obvious gives you more power as you overcome reasoning and better connect with people. Pablo Picasso, famed painter
    and sculptor, said, “The hidden harmony is better than the obvious.”
    What are you to do if the person in the incident states the obvious? If the person makes a fuss of it, such as when he or she accidentally bumps into you, say, “It’s nothing”. It is that simple! They will feel thankful for it and you will become powerful. Letting the person suffer in silence and replying with “It’s nothing” when they state the obvious, is the powerful person’s way of dealing with obvious statements.



  325.  #325Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    @Lisa –

    Interesting. I do know that if he comes over to watch a movie and snuggle, etc. that if he leaves at 1am I dont feel TOO slighted because I know he has to get home, plus my children get up in the morning, etc. So, thats fine. I was upset because I felt like this is the one time we have to do this, and he was leaving.

    I do understand getting a good nights sleep and I think that is a fair thing to request.

    I think that until you both move in together or are married, then I think it will have to be what it is…..it is what it is. Unless you both want to buy new beds. 🙂

    I am saying this comment for you as much as it is for me. 🙂

    I guess we all need sleep number beds. haha!



  326.  #326Hana on June 5, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Hi Sirens! Lisa, how do you feel about you guys taking turns?

    A little update on A and I. Or rather about ME! It has been a week and a half of no contact. He’s made it pretty clear that he needs space, and I want to give him as much as he needs. I haven’t said a word. I am learning more about being good to myself, I went out with POF guy, it gave me a very confident feeling to go out on the date, especially since it really makes you focus on how to be on an early date, because bringing the romance back is important factor for my past relationship. I am being kinder to myself, I love him, I want him (A back). But I realized something through this little while, that I don’t really “need” him anymore, which is lovely. In fact even though sometimes it hurts to be rejected, I know that he always comes back. But, I also feel pretty confident that at this time, it wouldn’t matter either way, because I care about how I’m treated, and I want to date other men. And I want to start fresh with him or anyone else, and have a marvelous time dating. I have read more, I have healed more, I am healing and feeling great about it. It feels so fantastic and fresh to sail through something that started out so painful. I’m really feeling proud of this milestone. Again, I turned my desperation to an inspiration, thanks to everyone and everything I’m learning 🙂

    Who knows what my future will bring, today seems pretty darn optimistic, with A, without A, with all the men that are swimming in the sea and me, the Goddess that they are dying to explore. XOXO



  327.  #327seahorse on June 5, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    I feel like I’m going to pop from all the ideas in my head after reading Rori’s link to coaching.

    In my county, Orange county california we are experiencing much gang turmoil. I am seeing the young girls looking for help and guidance. They are starting some programs through the schools. Not enough is being done. I am hearing stories from my daughter about her friends who are 14 and I feel like crying. These tools need to be taught early!! AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Jumpinmjimney christmas!!!!!!!!
    Sweet sweet sweet……………. I am going to take notes. Get it all down… Thank you Rori!!!!!!

    Love you Sirens!!!! We all so rock!!!!



  328.  #328Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    @ Elsie

    Yes, I understand… 1am is way late… “M” was doing that b/c he said he got so wrapped up in me he would totally lose track of time. Then he started resenting it, I didn’t ask him to stay that late nor did I try to coax him into staying.. I would say “oh honey, I wish you didn’t have to leave, you feel so good”.. but I stopped that b/c I realized it was harder for him to leave me.

    1am and getting up at 7 or 8 am is hard.. but I’ve done it in the interest of quality time. He seems to be kind of resentful of it later on…

    He said it is b/c it is hard for him to feel himself that tired… I get it… and me too! I guess I just don’t complain about it and accept that it was my choice to do it, so I need to take responsibility for it.. and make a different choice next time or not…

    Mine is also emotional along with the issue of hard bed.. my ex husband beat me while I was asleep so, though I’ve gotten over it and all, I still don’t sleep as well as I once did…

    His is totally just the physical (what he says) aspect of light and sound and bed size… which I’ve helped make him more comfortable at my house in some ways…

    Yes, your are right, it is what it is… we both have different views on how to work it out… We’ll see how it ends up…

    Thanks!!!

    <3



  329.  #329Mercedes on June 5, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Sharing in my excitement:

    After what feels like FOREVER, we agreed to, approved and signed off on the design of our wellness spa today!!!! I’m soooooo excited!! I was beginning to think this would never happen and here it is! Our new designer is AMAZING and came up with exactly our vision with only a couple of consultations!! 🙂 Whew! This is getting REAL!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  330.  #330Rori Raye on June 5, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Lisa – The obvious (and I’ve been dealing with bed issues forever…) is to get a better bed that will work for everyone. Some folks are crazy about tempurpedic, I like Sleep Number…and there are cheap “knock offs” of these online…slipt kings, all that. Sooner or later you’re going to have to deal with this, so it’s worth thinking about now. And perhaps getting him involved with the choosing (down the line, maybe) – and even the PAYING for it might further your relationship! Love, Rori



  331.  #331Rori Raye on June 5, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Lisa, and all – The idea is to teach my style of coaching (which is way more than just giving clients my Tools) – AND to ADD to whatever style YOU have. In fact – to BRING OUT your unique personality and style of coaching. That’s how I can help “niche” you and position you in the marketplace to be successful. Having the Rori Raye brand behind you is, on top of the uniqueness of the coaching itself, the “perk” that makes RRRCT different. I’m hoping to expand this over the next years, to train teachers, all that – but you never know. I may burn out and never do it again.

    I mostly want to make sure there are coaches out there I know PERSONALLY, who coach the way I do and use my Tools, who I can REFER potential clients to, who use my programs, who I can trust with my Rori Raye brand name. Right now I can only refer to Dominique. The thing is, right now my clients just show up. I’m doing nothing to create a demand for private coaching – AND, I believe, if I could focus on doing that – on creating a huge demand out there for private coaching (instead of using my time and energy to actually coach clients myself) – I could fill the practices of many, many coaches. This way – more women get help! Love, Rori



  332.  #332Rori Raye on June 5, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Leyli, you sound amazing to me…very aware and determined. And here’s my take: There is NO way to integrate and heal all the parts of ourselves until we LOVE them all UNCONDITIONALLY. I’m not sure how you tried the accepting and embracing of your little, low-self-esteem, nagging self – and in all my programs there are ways to work with it – from “The Stranger” in Toxic Men, to the “Nasty Voice” in the ebook. Try the ebook first, if you haven’t already – and follow the instructions for working with your Nasty Voice. The thing to know is that all these parts of yourself are madly in love with you – and they’re trying to help you, and give you their gifts. It’s up to you, the one in charge – however you experience that – to make decisions, and yet, the healing happens when you hear all the voices, sink into them, acknowledge them, love and embrace them, and then move in the best-feeling directions. Keeping Track of your breathing 24/7 helps. It’s all in the belly. It’s a “Practice.” Love, Rori



  333.  #333Olivia on June 5, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I feel so triggered by Rori talking abot her coaching program -hah!

    I want to be a part-time coach and help young women in my City who feel like there are no good men here, they are all gay, they are all players and to see that there are magical men everywhere! I want to help young women avoid the years of torment that I went through.

    BUT I don’t have the time right now because work is so difficult.

    I feel scared and jealous and like there’s no time to figure out how to change careers!

    BUT I love my anxious, triggered me because it comes from a part of me that wants to inspire and help and spread this wisdom of wonderful women. And I know there are many ways to do this…

    Just some thoughts.

    Peace and love to y’all.



  334.  #334luzydel on June 5, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    I miss romance, kissing, being caressed by a man. I want to date but I don’t like the work of it.



  335.  #335Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    MERCEDES I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU I COULD JUST SCREAM!!!!!! 🙂 I know how exciting this day is for you!!!!!! I cant wait to see pictures! 🙂

    I feel healthy and good. He called and asked when our play was tomorrow night. I told him, and he has an appointment at 4pm, so we were trying to figure out dinner. But then he said, can we just play dinner by ear…..I literally took one second and said “sure!” And that felt GOOD. Look. I know we arent going to go hungry and he is thinking is about dinner, and about the play, so this is ok. Totally ok!!!!

    He also took some medicine that make him really sleepy etc. so he got horrible sleep last night and so when I asked if he was coming over, and he started to say what he had to do etc. I just smiled and said – ok!!! It sounds like you have a lot to do and you have a HUGE day tomorrow so I”ll see you tomorrow night!

    He seemed……I think…..relieved. I”m not sure on that – but maybe I saw it. I was actually excited for him that he was going to get some stuff done.

    Oh, and he is going to do something for me tomorrow that is HUGE. I dont want to talk about it on here, but its huge thing, that is a huge hassle/inconvenience, and frankly very difficult. And he is dong it ONLY for me. He doesnt need to do it at all.

    Before leaving today I told him thank you, and that it meant a lot to me. 🙂

    I’m going to get a ton of stuff done tonight around the house and bubble bath and toenails done is in my near future.

    I still wish I knew about Rori Rayes programs and whether or not you can see the videos and downloads on a cell phone? Anyone know????



  336.  #336Dominique on June 5, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Elsie – I think she recently changed it so that you can view on a cell phone though I’m not sure. I’ll write to her and ask for you. Will let you know.

    xxoo



  337.  #337Rebecca on June 5, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Lol.. I need to get into my feelings. I feel scared as I have already “fallen” for this guy and he seems to have pulled away… But then if this is the case, he is not the “right” guy for me. Just one of the many on the back of my horse…

    I feel sad and confused.

    I had my date with Steve and it seemed to be a dateof two halves.

    The first half felt horrific – he seemed to barely notice I was there… He just talked and talked and talked – but it was like it was that horrible incessant small talk. And there was zero eye contact… It was weird…

    Anyway, a bit later on he seemed to get a lot more physically affectionate. And everything was really nice.

    Anyway, today I have NOT heard from him and I sense he has completely backed off.

    I feel scared and anxious. I feel locked in my thoughts about what have I done wrong?? I’ve gone deep into a negative spiral – like I am not good enough for him, I’m not pretty enough, tall enough, nice enough, right on enough, well travelled enough, I waffle to much and don’t get to the point. Etc, etc….

    BUT ulitmately none of this is my fault. I did my best – that’s all I can do. I don’t want to beat myself up about it…

    I am really trying to sit with my feelings – pain is unbearable…



  338.  #338Rebecca on June 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Also deep down I cannot see what he sees in me. He is this big goegeous man with bags of charisma, a warm heart yet a cheeky glint in his eye…

    I am a short, skinny thing ( okay I’ve got a bust a bum) but kast night I was sat in this trendy theatre thinking you can have ANY girl in here ( and there were a lot of attractive girls). Why r u here with me??? It was just goibg around in my head all night. And I felt he was embarrased to be with me. And also he introduced me as his “friend” which I felt uncomfortable with.

    I feel so confused… I want better treatment..



  339.  #339BeLoved on June 5, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    omg omg omg omg
    Wanted to keep the conversation short and light and…it took 30 minutes just to get to where and when to meet for our date on Friday
    and I haven’t even met the guy yet and he’s already talking about how he needs to let me know up front if what I’m looking for is someone with a regular job he’s not and I’m like, dude, I’m just looking for a d@mned DATE and it took all of my super RoriNinja skills to keep my f*cking mouth shut and let him lead and wow he led like a freaking meandering river and took okay, well, 20 minutes to make a decision.
    I am NOT a go with the flow kind of person when it comes to making plans!
    aaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk

    🙂
    M’kay

    big sigh.
    It’s practice, that’s all, practice.

    He hasn’t dated in a long time, so it isn’t a light and breezy thing for him.
    sparkles of love and compassion for his nervousness.
    Mmm..
    feeling better now
    thanks for the space to riff and get this out of my system 🙂



  340.  #340BeLoved on June 5, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    that was hard for me!
    hard hard HARD for me, to sit in the awkward silence and not help him out and not make suggestions and be ‘helpful’.
    hard hard hard.
    waves of sparkling pink and turquoise appreciation for myself.

    He did it, though, after sitting quietly in the awkward soup, he finally said, “Okay, let’s start over. Meet me at x place at such and such time. Sound good?”
    Yes, happythankyoumoreplease 🙂



  341.  #341GlowStix on June 5, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    FW-

    🙂 <3 you!



  342.  #342BeLoved on June 5, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    “I am NOT a go with the flow kind of person when it comes to making plans!”

    This is good to remember about me, and that it’s ok.
    I spent a lot of years with hippies, punks and anarchists who are allergic to timekeeping, watches, plans and punctuality, and it drove me round the bend.
    I can be flexible if stuff comes up, but I don’t do well with too much ambiguity when it comes to communication and plans.



  343.  #343BeLoved on June 5, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    That was cool, though, he said, “the discomfort that you’re feeling is my nervousness.”



  344.  #344Zia on June 5, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    I feel the need to exercise and take care of me today…



  345.  #345Zia on June 5, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Elise – I have all the programs, and they can all be downloaded and viewed on a cell phone/tablet 🙂



  346.  #346GlowStix on June 5, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    It’s been so long since i’ve come here I don’t know what to say anymore 😀

    I so seldom riff or write about my feelings anymore. That feels a little disappointing…

    In general, I feel balanced and whole. Such a level feeling. When the scales tip, they are inclined towards joy and love, and warmth.

    I feel tested within some happenings. My soup has a little bug floating in it. Oh, hello little bug. I love you too, because without you I would have nothing to learn right now! 🙂

    I’ll write a little about the relationship. It’s good. Really good! Fantastically phenominal, and ever changing. We went on our first REAL trip a few weeks ago and it felt like utter bliss! This man is discovering new and wonderful ways to surprise me on a regular basis, and I dig being surprised. I really do! It feels like smiley gushes of sparkling light flowing through me and all over! 🙂

    I believe I must be coming up on my anniversary of joining the blog…I changed my life. My entire life flipped upside down and and it’s like the whole universe shifted to right side up.



  347.  #347GlowStix on June 5, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    New person. New life. New perspective. New relationship. New man even! Same man…Yet somehow new and different. He shifted and morphed and gre right along with me.



  348.  #348Syreena on June 5, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you Rori. I like the feeling connected part and being in tune with my emotions.
    It doesn’t always feel safe to express them or in my best interest to do so though.



  349.  #349Andrea on June 5, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    It’s my birthday today. On Monday I gave myself the gift of simply asking this man that I’ve been in a toxic relationship with to simply not contact me anymore. He asked me what I wanted: It took me a few hours to reply and then I finally said, “Please just don’t contact me anymore.”

    (too long of a story to explain but I know it is for the best for me and my daughters)

    Today, this morning, I woke up and felt peaceful and wistful. I started out feeling sorry for myself and I said, “What would I have really liked, for instance, if I was still in a relationship with this man, what would I have liked him to do for me?”

    I would have liked for him to surprise me with a gift that I really loved, a nice dinner, some cuddle time in his arms…

    Then I had a novel idea, “Why don’t I do that for myself? Why don’t I surprise myself today?”

    Then I took some time to be alone with my self and I looked way inside of myself and I said, “I know I can count on you Andrea. I know you can come up with some surprises and some sweet gifts for yourself today.”

    Then I just let it go and went into my day. Every chance I got, I hugged myself. When I got out of my classes early I came home and wrapped up in a soft blanket and just held myself and napped on the couch in the sun. I was invited to lunch at a ritzy bistro by my life coach and at the end of the owner came out and brought me a brownie with a candle on it.

    When my life coach left the lunch, I sat by a window and savored the rich chocolate flavor and wrote in my journal. I came home and made iced tea and a pasta dish for my daughters and I. Had a great conversation with my dad. Got cards and tons of facebook prompts from my friends.

    And, hehehh… for my birthday gift to myself, I created a nice profile for myself on Match.Com. I haven’t put it up online yet, but I created the profile.

    Now I’m going to spend my evening reading a new book.

    It’s been a beautiful day for me. I feel as though I have treated myself very well today, not expecting anything really great or over the top adventurous today. I just wanted to take it easy on me. I relished the peace and quiet and love.



  350.  #350Syreena on June 5, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    314: Femininewoman says

    “I want a man who is connected to all of himself”

    I couldn’t help but wonder where this perfect man is?”

    When I first read this it felt like a slap, i felt put down by those words.
    Then that feeling moved to indifference as I reminded myself oh well it is just what someone else thinks.
    Think and wonder what they like.
    It felt good how quickly me feeling bad and put down went to one of feeling indifferent and not bothered by it,



  351.  #351Daria on June 5, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    another great session with my coach… i wonder what happens next! 🙂 🙂



  352.  #352Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    ““I asked her to take on the attitude that most men
    adapt to, after they’ve slept with a woman.

    That is – to remain calm, a little distant and,
    completely secure.”””

    uhhh I LIKE THIS – big cheesy grin!

    cuz i SEE IT… and SecurityMan was settling into this, but i TWEaKED IT! and totally got my power back

    i didn’t sleep with him this time, didn’t really feel that drawn to it, and he ‘grumbled’ about it, even,

    so i Know it had some impact and probably threw him offbalance (in a wonderful, feeling more attracted to me way) HA!

    roll my head back…

    yes i totally see how that wouldve went one way and instead im getting my power back and probably giving him THRILLS!



  353.  #353Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    wtf im just doing just what i wouldve liked to do!

    yes!!! weee

    and he even asked me oh so the bus to your place is 5 bucks, and if i take bart you can get me at the station hehe okay stuff is going my way i feel relieved im not really into taking myself there right away anymore

    he was so about to go into the routine of remaining completely secure, calm and perhaps a lil distant (when i would perhaps get blamy and pressury)

    but instead i musta switched the feeling around to brand new again… cuz thats how i felt!

    like meeting again brand new for the first time like we never slept w each other (and we even had years ago, but this reconnection felt new, and now feels new again!)

    high 5 Daria!

    i feel so self pleased at moment

    oh and … i have $40 dollars to pick up Again… unexpectedly tonite…

    🙂



  354.  #354Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    lol he got insecure! haha im laughing now



  355.  #355Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Millie – i just saw it now 🙂 hehe i feel thrilled for you… this guy is flirting with you is my guess… 🙂

    I’d write… 🙂 hehe well it would feel fun to talk to you … and honestly i feel better if a guy calls me… i’m at 555 555 5555 Millie 🙂



  356.  #356Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Zia – can you tell what changes you made that made the difference for you online after Evan’s book?



  357.  #357Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    so many good posts, so little time! I can’t even focus to read the entirety of this one right now!

    I am feeling SO frustrated and have to vent. … BF, (baby’s bio father).. …

    Someone tell me what is going on with this man.

    he gets angry about so many things. (EGO issues). (he wants to be first, most important person in the world, won’t ever compromise – it’s his way or the highway. and all this goes, even if it affects the baby – as long as HE feels important and gets what HE wants – for example rushing the baby to leave when he doesn’t feel safe doing so – because HE wants to be somewhere at 10 in the morning- instead of scheduling it later, or arriving earlier, to give the baby some transition time.) And it doesn’t matter what the REAL situation is, he always finds a way to be the victim, and whine about how it’s MY fault.
    then I start defending myself. .. ugh.

    …for example, “we will NEVER be together, because I CHOSE to live with MILW” instead of him. …. while I was pregnant & delivered a baby, with NO help or interest from him, knowing it may be his, NOR any help paying anything even AFTER he knew this. … So here I am feeling helpless to do anything other than take care of this extremely high needs baby, getting no sleep at all, and having no physical help since MILW has to work so much. (and he was helping some financially). So, BF, remind me how I was supposed to make money to go get a job and QUALIFY to move elsewhere, nevermind actually doing it while caring for a baby who was NEVER ok with being with anyone but mama. And he never offered any help whatsoever with anything. (This is all also after BF told me he never wanted to be married. Also, the only times he asked me to move in with him were when he was worried because MILW threatened to force me to leave bc of financial/other disagreements (such as that I wouldn’t take BF to court, trusting him to help when he was able), AND BF didn’t even offer for me to stay with him first, he offered his MOTHER’S HOUSE. how convenient for him.

    One time he asked me to visit him where he moved “for work” three1/2 hrs from here. and possibly stay with him. he complained about me not visiting.. (…. I was raising a baby who I had to nurse 24 hours a day…literally.. WHILE fighting to survive – make money for paying my bills without a job – AND one of my gigs was to do bookkeeping and taxes for MILW which took WEEKS – this paid some of our bills and I couldn’t just leave in the middle of it if I wanted bills paid. BF certainly NEVER discussed or offered any type of financial support despite my concern about it or that there was NO market for my profession where he moved to, nor did he offer to pay for childcare so I could work, or even discuss these issues so as to relieve my concern. When I DID go visit him (…and I probably paid for my own gas…) he had moved to a smaller place due to a bad landlord. He went to work in the morning, came home in the evening, ate the dinner I made, and ignored me afterwards. (stuffing his nose in a book, playing with baby, NO cuddles, NO sex, etc.) after a week he gave in and had sex, but then spent the entire WEEKEND GONE “baby and I wouldn’t fit in the car” and he had “errands” – he had it full of his plants and his bike. ….. then asked me “when are you leaving?”… i stayed a week more, and we both had to go back to my town. evening we arrived I had to attend a wedding. he did not want to go to wedding. he clearly wanted me to leave his house. yet at my house, after the wedding, I returned and he hid in the bedroom, no eye contact, wouldn’t speak to me, or tell me what was wrong? or if he wanted to be left alone. ignored me all morning too, until he said I was *condescending* to him by trying to communicate and letting him know that I respected if he wanted to be alone and that I’d be in the other room. what?? He also was angry that I didn’t spend the night in his room – after he ignored me and wouldn’t tell me what he wanted. ?! Then, he LEFT, with no invitation, to go to brunch with someone whom he pointed out was a girl. ….. and got MAD that I felt shocked and a little hurt at first. …. I also saw while I was at his place out of town that he had taken someone to a $100 valentine’s dinner. Yet he had told me he wasn’t seeing anyone. YET – we will NEVER be together because I chose to live with MILW when I had no other choice. AND let me add, that this guy NEVER HAD FEELINGS FOR ME EVER in all the years we saw each other, until just that year – AND even then I shared many times how I felt and he never wanted to move forward in any way. until he felt forced to, (when he thought I’d be forced out of my home) and he still tried to keep me at arms length and never offered any help taking care of things that I wasn’t able to take care of due to taking care of his baby 24/7.

    That was a long example. The situation today is that I am having a last minute get together at the park this wk, for my little one’s birthday. he never asked about doing anything for the baby’s birthday. he also didn’t mention or invite me to the FAMILY birthday party for him, his brother and my baby this weekend that he took the baby to. I asked if he could help with $ for a cake because I wanted to have this little get together. He said he might be able to give me a little. (last wk I asked him to help with a registration sticker for the car. he said “i can help you….with child support!”… ha. ha. the tiny amount that is helps with nothing. he doesn’t offer to take care of baby when HE is off work so *I* can work either. but feels no responsibility to help me with anything whatsoever (as he has SAID, tho I’ve only asked three times – ever.)
    he has been having a disagreement with his brother for 7 months. NOT speaking. I called BF last night, he ignored my call. I texted him today asking if I should invite his brother. no answer. (his phone is glued to his hand). I called a few hrs later, when he was definitely off work. no answer. —-This is his normal behavior. If he is angry, he simply ignores you. If he doesn’t like the question you asked or doesn’t want to communicate, he just ignores you. No attempt to hide it or be polite or caring at all. — So, I’m not sure why he’s ignoring me, but apparently I’ve done something wrong. I can feel his anger 100 miles away. One day I was 10 minutes late to meet him to pick up the baby, and he said I was twenty minutes late AND ignored me very coldly for a week. … while he has been late by HOURS, numerous times. ? ………
    I wish I knew what he was mad about.

    Normally, I could just say “NEXT”.
    I wonder how to react. I want to respond empathetically. I want to initiate a conversation about how I feel ignored, or would like to feel connection and communication about something – but either of these approaches will result in SILENCE (getting no where), OR, he will jump down my throat about how something is all my fault and I’ve somehow done something wrong to hurt him.

    I have tried empathy before – “it sounds like you think/feel…. is that right?” … results in “YOU should KNOW what I think, I’ve told you before, you just don’t listen. Obviously you don’t care. We aren’t even friends.” blahblahblah.

    what is wrong with him? I feel like he is a bad girlfriend. ugh. I can’t believe I can figure out how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder, but I haven’t figured out how to handle/respond to THIS guy. No matter how caring, calm, kind and constructive I am, he will not meet it when he is angry. He will not attempt to understand my experience, or be empathetic. He assumes (or makes up to use as an excuse?) how things are. When I try to communicate and he is angry, He responds with attacking, pouting, aloofness, closed behavior, silent treatment. I don’t feel good feeling misunderstood, or attacked, or closed off. I can try to “wait until he cools down” but he is good at holding grudges it appears, and no matter how long, the response is the same.

    (I have had him ONCE apologize to me – for snapping at me at dinner in front of his parents for no reason at all that he would ever explain to me other than that he was just “tired”. that was after ignoring me for the remainder of the night, turning away from me in bed.. and waiting til morning).

    Another example of his blaming/attacking/victim/ignoring behavior:
    Baby’s second christmas I texted him (because he never answers the phone) what I would like to do for christmas – involving things with his family, my family and milw family in three towns, discussing what order to logically do them in, and asking what HE thought, what he would like to do for xmas, and what his suggestions were. He responded that CLEARLY I didn’t have him in mind, and then ignored me for an entire week through christmas – until he called MILW on christmas day to ask him advice about court and child support, (very unusual), and then BLAMED ME that he didn’t get to see the baby ON christmas day. Because he refused to communicate and ignored me for the full holiday week. ?

    Or when we were going to his mom’s for easter, and he got angry at me because he THOUGHT I was texting and driving, (I wasn’t), and grabbed my arm and my phone and threatened to throw it out the window, (instead of asking me to please not text?), and I told him what kind of communication I like and how I felt, and that I would like an apology. he ignored me for the next half hour. So I pulled over. I told him this didn’t feel good and if this was how the day was going to be I didn’t want to go, so maybe I should drive back home. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He wouldn’t make a decision, or change his attitude, or apologize, he just kept ignoring me and fuming in the front seat. So I drove home. And he blamed me (when he took me to court) that I “always keep him” from seeing the baby on holidays. ?! !??!?!?! …

    I want to invite his family to the baby’s birthday party. If i invite them and not his brother it will seem rude. It is HIS disagreement. He is sort of a baby, yet I feel the need to be empathetic. I see that he never feels important enough and I want him to feel cared for. Yet I want to do it in a way that I also don’t feel like I’m getting walked all over. I know that if I invite his brother without his ok, I will have betrayed him. he is an aries. .. but he is behaving in such an immature way. I can feel him fuming at me, though I have no idea what he’s even mad about. That I decided to have a get together for the baby without discussing it with him and asking him how he wanted it to be? I don’t know.

    ok. Thanks for listening. I feel exhausted trying to understand what type of communication and responses this human being needs in order to feel cared about, without my walking all over myself and everyone else – since it’s always all about him.

    he MUST have a personality disorder also. or something that could be classified that way in which I could gain skills to interact with him.

    His parents also went through a bad divorce when he was 13. I would’ve thought he wanted to do better, knowing how much pain their behavior caused him. …

    This is a guy who aside from knowing he was seeing other people the many years I knew him, and from not being as connected as I would have liked, –was still a gentleman WHEN we were together, treated me kindly, always on my side, took me to dinner, and made me feel important while I was with him.
    I never guessed he was so ..angry and punishing. and non communicative/closed off.



  358.  #358Daria on June 5, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    he kissed me at the end 🙂

    and i just let him kiss him but dint get all into leaning forward into him

    and he’s like, awesome! t hen he’s like boring!

    then i was like omg boring? and hes like jk jk

    haha and kisse dme agian

    that was him ‘grumbling’ about not getting sex i think!

    i noticed other guys complain about that kissing thing from me when they kinda seem to ‘want’ something from me like to touch me when it doesnt feel good…

    it’s like an insecurity thing with them!

    i felt surprised at it from bookie!

    i’ll tkae it as in hel feels hella into me lol



  359.  #359Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Happy Birthday Andrea 🙂 🙂



  360.  #360Femininewoman on June 5, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    SilverTongued – how do you know the baby is extremely high needs? I have to admit I feel triggered by the statement.



  361.  #361Elsie on June 5, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Happy Birthday Andrea!!!!!

    Silver Tongue – I’m so confused. Why would you want to be part of this man’s life? He sounds so toxic. I understand his is your child’s father. If he doesnt pay child support and doesnt want to be involved with the child, why are you trying to “rori raye” him. (Yes, I just used her name as a verb……) LOL. My opinion is just that he is toxic.



  362.  #362Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Also – BF – Throughout the time I knew him, he WAS very emotionally disconnected – like I never knew how he felt about anything specifically. (he never said “I miss you”, or “I feel” anything.) But I began speaking in feeling messages with him a few years ago – and he really started to open up and tell me about his life and how he felt. When the baby was born he also made mention of being “open, honest and vulnerable” – as his intention for himself – (not sure if that had to do with me or someone else) – but he quickly shut that down as he decided “that didn’t work” for some undisclosed reason.

    Anyway, in other news, I have been feeling really good about how leaned back I’ve been about things lately. Other than needing to confirm something, or an occasional thing, I never text or call anyone first. (unless I don’t really care about the outcome with the person in the first place, but I don’t feel any desire to usually). MILW has noticed how MUCH I’ve been doing it lately. I think he liked it, but then became confused about WHY I was doing it (am I angry/ignoring him/punishing him), – even though I respond every time he calls/messages. He hasn’t voiced these things, but I am feeling it. I am pretty sure he is getting a little irritated by it. I am going to wait it out and observe what happens. So far he hasn’t seemed to reach out a lot more, but, on the other hand, has been checking my fb posts all the time – (sometimes pretends he doesn’t see some) and liking/commenting on my page occasionally which feels GREAT, for a while he didn’t do at ALL).

    I have a few guys who text or message me. mostly the guys who talk to me just pay attention to me when I’m out already at events we all go to, and that’s fine, I don’t have time for anything else. There have been a couple who paid pretty consistent attention to me – one who lives here and one who lives far away. I am still working it out with MILW, but have backed way off. Any time he isn’t taking up is free to talk to others.

    So far I haven’t gone on “dates” (other than with MILW), – except with one man and it was only because the company was nice and he was quite aggressive about wanting my company.

    I didn’t think I was interested but I gave it a chance anyway, because he was VERY nice to me. Decently generous, and over the moon about me. Saw me at an event and had hearts in his eyes for months, but never had the courage to step up at first. Said once that he told his friend he’d “marry me tomorrow”. (I was flattered but felt wary when he said that). He also offered for me to move into his new house, but when I asked him if he was serious, he backed out and said “maybe” “IF he decided he wanted roommates” etc. (though I knew he was speaking without thinking and seemed to exhibit risky behavior).

    If I could have spent time, he would’ve spent pretty much every spare moment with me. (Tho in his case that’s actually a red flag to me. A little obsessive.) His last rlsp he is still friends with but she was physically violent with him. not sure if it was requited. He texted me constantly. I don’t know him well, just from the same community. He never very often really asked for “dates” as such – though he did say he wanted to take me to dinner once – but mostly asked me to drive to meet him. Which I only did so he wouldn’t be meeting me where I was.

    The first night we hung out, with other friends, I realized he was way more into drugs than I knew – and he turned some down “because he liked me more than it” – but that’s not the case. And I did at some point communicate that I didn’t think things could go any further because I felt very uncomfortable about the drugs. He did not change anything other than to hide it from me.

    I hung out with him several more times, and he seemed respectful, but then started to become more and more pushy about when we would have sex, or when i would kiss him. Even after I shared that I wasn’t comfortable having sex right now and could we just NOT do that right now? … (different occasions). he seems to get very hurt and sort of manipulate that way?… or maybe he is just very hurt.

    One night he invited me over for dinner to his new house. I had my youngest with me. He of course offered that I could stay the night. I let him know beforehand, and during, that I intended to not spend the night. Yet when it came down to it and he couldn’t convince me to stay, he got VERY hurt, suddenly silent, then before I had even left, started to get dressed in a rushed/angry manner (change of clothes, shoes back on).. and I asked what he was doing (doh.) he said he was going out downtown so that he wouldn’t sit around here and think about me or something. … I can’t remember exact words – but at first something he said shocked me so much I just stared at him, open mouthed for a minute.. before I regained my composure and said I didn’t mean to make him feel bad, I just felt that it feels better for the baby to go to sleep and wake up in his own bed every day, said goodnight and left.

    A week or two later he messaged me once (where before it was all day long), to test the waters. I responded but he didn’t make conversation. He spoke to me tonight to tell me he missed me and that I’m cute and also could he pay me to do some work for him if I need the $. (I said I didn’t have time. I don’t.)

    I am not interested in him, especially due to his addictions. I was fascinated also by our “first argument” a few weeks into hanging out together.

    We were out for dinner (which was SO delicious and he spared no expense – whatever I wanted) and met up after with some friends of his from out of town for a drink. We invited them back to the place he was staying to sit in the hot tub. the staff wouldn’t turn the hot tub on. so we went upstairs and listened to music. he offered his guy friend some pain medication because he had broken or sprained his wrist while we were out. it was clearly swollen and he couldn’t move it. his girlfriend didn’t believe it, and got angry at both of them, accusing her boyfriend of having a drug problem before and did NOT want him having any pain med. She was livid and also probably drunk. She and her girlfriend had a conversation in a language the men couldn’t understand. They got angry and were shouting about everything. I tried to introduce empathetic communication when the girl yelled at me, and when date yelled at her for telling her bf what to do and when he misinterpreted her foreign language. She felt understood by me at first, but date kept on his rampage, and she kept yelling at her boyfriend and my date.

    During all this my “date” offered numerous other things to his guy friend. all of which were refused. Guy friend sat silently while his girlfriend screamed at him and at us. He was highly stressed. I gave date a look “why are you offering things when she is clearly upset”. They eventually left early, the girls very angry, and having gone downstairs to my “dates” new car to get something, left his trunk open with his valuables inside, before leaving. He was angry about that. We discussed what happened because he brought it up – he says it was none of her business what her boyfriend took, I said she was feeling concerned because she felt (true or not) that he had an addiction before. He said that its no ones business and people should live however they want to live – I said it’s not true if a person has a family or what they’re doing affects someone else in some way directly. (a father and husband dying or overdosing and having brain damage, on life support, needing help with things, being irresponsible to their family, putting them in danger, etc.). he began YELLING at me. I stayed with feeling messages, and he calmed down. However I did not feel any desire to connect with him after that, and the mood was ruined, so I left. I saw him once afterwards (when he got upset that I wouldn’t stay the night). Yup. I don’t need that in my life, thanks. But it was an intense and interesting experience to observe. I hate dating.

    But good practice with men. Trusting my intuition more and more all the time.



  363.  #363Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Elsie- .. he IS a part of my life, like it or not. He’s the baby’s biological father and has taken ME to court, so he has visitation rights (even though I already let him see the baby anytime he chose to).

    I guess I somewhat believe that *I* am not understanding what’s really going on with him. I believe that he really DOES feel hurt… and he is extremely protective of himself via this behavior.

    I think it sounds toxic too. Even though I have only in the last year known him to behave this way – I think I was possibly just not the target of it before. Especially since I wasn’t around to see it and we saw each other infrequently until the baby.

    I like to know I did what I could, and I am trying to figure out how empathy fits in here also, since it seems to have helped in many situations with other people. I am just not sure if it works with him… since he doesn’t respond to it often – instead he responds in a closed, attacking, protective way.

    A couple wks ago it seemed to be successful in one conversation but only in that he became silent rather than arguing and seemed to actually LISTEN. He didn’t change anything (at least not that I noticed, however he doesn’t seem to announce his thoughts, he thinks I read minds).



  364.  #364Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    FW:

    Yes actually I dislike that term too, I just thought it was descriptive in a way that others here may understand. I am actually consciously/attachment parenting and I don’t believe he is extremely high needs, I think that he is NORMAL and even nursing 24/7 and waking every hour the first couple years is normal. However some babies are easier, and don’t require MAMA ONLY. So, he is different than some other babies, but much alike many others. He is healthy and I honestly wouldn’t expect him to need any less – he is a baby. I just wanted to feel understood so I used a phrase I suspected others would be familiar with.



  365.  #365Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    About BF —

    I HAVE learned that some people just want to be angry. But I also know that hurt people hurt people. I imagine that there is a window into his heart, that at some point he will see that he IS important and cared about, (tho I am not going to walk all over others for him to see this)… I just want things to be easy on my baby. I want ALL of his family to be together for holidays and birthdays – for him to know he is loved and that his family all loves each other. I want him that real love is not about “I don’t love you anymore because I don’t like this or that, or you wont fill all my expectations so i’ll just discard you”. I’m not chasing this guy (BF), I am just trying to understand what is going on with him in hopes that I can find a way to respond that he can hear, so my child can have as peaceful of a life as possible and feel as whole as possible. discord between parents and family members feels like it creates discord within the child, a war about “was it my fault?” or “what’s wrong with my mom/dad/other person” “so you only love people as long as they do what you want?” “whose side do I take” “am I disloyal to my mom if I think she’s right”, “why can’t I have all of the people I love together”, ….



  366.  #366Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Happy Birthday Andrea!



  367.  #367Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    I want to give baby a healthy example of how to communicate. I’ve responded in the healthiest ways I know how, to no avail, so not sure if there is anything left for me to do than keep responding empathetically and know that some people are still learning.



  368.  #368Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    I just picked up the surprise $40 dollars! I’m feeling much less anxious and triggered around money lately… yay shifts!

    ANd i still feel THRILLED about my way with bookie!

    I just feel so much more powerful, and a lot more ‘bored’ towards him, but also open to big shifts and receiving lots!

    Im visualizing what i want instead of what i don’t , and noticing where i was looking at what i don’t (imagining him living with her etc, that makes me feel frown now, rather, )

    and instead replaced it with images of what i do want…

    him to move in with his mom, start seeing me, caring more and more for me practically etc etc and

    even tho i have NVs that it wont jhappen, im deluding myself…

    it feels way better to imagine THIS!

    plus i feel way unattached!

    so open to new men and to just being treated how i want in ways that feel great!



  369.  #369Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    i used some of my own tools today, such as calling on certain Goddesses like Oshun and imagining him being one too and him and her are playing out a part in a story about them…

    where she gets him interested haha 🙂 tho he’s not totally at first, she is so foxy hahaha 🙂 toss my head back, it So worked yeah!

    im feeling it

    im feeling it 🙂

    weeeee



  370.  #370Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    oh and yesterday i had an AHA moment

    i had huge urges to call him and even started to tell myself im being inauthentic by not calling when i want to call…

    and then my AHA moment: it’s not inauthentic! to not call… when i have URGES to call…

    i don’t have to do what the urges say! just cuz i don’t is NOT inauthentic

    i can go under and feel my FEELINGS instead!

    ok i feel disappointed its not coming out as clear as it was for me

    but it was clear

    jsut cuz i have URGES… URGES TO DO SOMETHING aren’t feelings!

    it’s not inauthentic to notice urges and choose to not do that, while noticing feelings and loving them!

    AND…

    turns out that, just as i thought, he was super thinking about me and wishing i woudl call yesterday -! — and i didn’t !

    and you know what… it DIDN’t ‘backfire’!

    if anything it reset the energy exchange so that he will contact me when he wants me, rather than energetically (psychically) influence me to want to call him!

    HA 🙂

    im so awesome!



  371.  #371Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    like, an urge is just a habit i’ve added on top of some feelings!

    it’s not a ‘must do!’

    what is a ‘must do’ is going in and FEELING the actual feelings under the urge that says to do something (other than actually feeling the feelings)



  372.  #372Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    i feel so pfffff an sad and frustrated that this does not sound so exciting and convincing the way i actually got it

    i feel unsatisfied



  373.  #373Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    @Syreena

    I totally got and get what you meant when you said that… I too desire that… and you deserve it…

    I also think that sometimes my mind wants “perfect” and I’m not sure that can happen, what can happen is perfect for me… and perfect for you!

    I know that someone is there for you that you will feel is in touch with himself enough for you to feel complete and totally happy with…..

    {{{ Hugs }}}



  374.  #374Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I have a question. Lioness used an example of “him pulling out your chair” regarding feeling messages.

    I think I recall somewhere Rori saying something about making it about the experience; ie let things FEEL GOOD. I can’t remember what was said but thats the impression I got.

    So, if a man didn’t pull out your chair for you, you could stand there, and then say “I feel weird” “because I am just standing here, and you didn’t get my chair” etc – I don’t remember the scenario Rori typed out in one of her posts..

    But I was thinking..

    I’ve read that “studies have shown” haha, that relationships last longer in which the parties communicate positive feelings rather than negative ones. I know that it really helps when I express gratitude over what I do like rather than get angry and unhappy over things that I don’t like. (instead of just taking responsibility and leaning back.).

    (with some people you can express a negative feeling about something. I have learned that some people feel controlled by that and it is best expressed with behavior).

    But what would it look like and how would it feel, to ask the man who hasn’t pulled out your chair, “Would you do something for me? I LOVE to have my chair pulled out for me when we go out to eat – it makes me feel good/thought of.” – Is it ok to make a request like this? Because I think this feels MUCH better to the man and myself than “I feel weird, because I am just standing here..”



  375.  #375Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Daria 369 – “oh and yesterday i had an AHA moment

    i had huge urges to call him and even started to tell myself im being inauthentic by not calling when i want to call…

    and then my AHA moment: it’s not inauthentic! to not call… when i have URGES to call…

    i don’t have to do what the urges say! just cuz i don’t is NOT inauthentic

    i can go under and feel my FEELINGS instead!”

    Are you saying that sometimes you have urges, and then feel inauthentic because you didn’t follow them – but just because you have an urge doesn’t mean you have to do it – and in addition an urge is not necessarily your FEELINGS about it anyway – for example maybe your feeling is “lonely for company” or “feeling impatient for contact” or “need for connection” .. ? Is this what you mean?
    I have had the same thoughts before.. Thanks for sharing them.



  376.  #376Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    @Rori Agreed!

    A new mattress would be wonderful. I don’t know how to get him to buy it… and I cannot afford it… My room isn’t big enough for a king size mattress. Truth be known I do need a new mattress… have for years…

    And I’d love to deepen the relationship..and get past this sleep thing, it’s been going on for months now…

    <3



  377.  #377Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Beloved! LOL, I find it SO difficult to keep quiet and not HELP too. I do much better at it but I think there is plenty of room to improve. It drives me crazy when a man won’t just make a decision.



  378.  #378Silver-Tongued Siren on June 5, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    PS, Sounds like you did REALLY WELL. You deserve to be proud of yourself, I know how hard it can be.



  379.  #379Lisa on June 5, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    @Andrea Happy Happy Birthday!



  380.  #380Daria on June 5, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Silver Tongue – yes 🙂 i found my feelings were… sad, afraid… etc

    but my realization was that i was NOT being inauthentic by not executing a certain habitual behavior i had associated as the way to get out that feeling (ie – calling him)

    my justification for calling had been that if i ‘wanted to call him so much’

    – which really was… had so many and frequent thoughts to call him accompanied by intense feelings –

    that i’d be inauthentic by wanting to call but not calling… and actually i got UNDER that and realized, calling is just a habit! thinking that i want to call is just a habit

    whats really going on here is my FEELINGS… thats authentic. not some habit that i have associated iwht it



  381.  #381Daria on June 5, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    mmm im feeling turned on

    i think its that i just drank hella soy shakes – big glass of soy = birth contorl pill worth of hormones



  382.  #382Daria on June 5, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    so when i was telling him about being upset… i could actually feel him tense and pull away… eeek it felt cringy!

    and then when i said something that felt bettr that was unrelated he relaxed

    i feel scared and i want to feel relieved and easy

    i Do feel heard too!

    i just feel filled with joy, kinda hormonal but i know its really from me loving on me and making good choices for ME

    and sticking by ME! yeah ahhh joy of rolling my head back and knowing im all about my pleasure



  383.  #383Zia on June 5, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Andrea – happy birthday 🙂
    I love what you wrote and going to use it as inspiration for my birthday coming up in a couple of weeks. I have been dreading it, because it was when my ex and I met, and I miss him. I was looking forward to having him there with me to celebrate. So I’ll find ways to make it special myself x



  384.  #384Daria on June 5, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    i feel guilty right now that we had that tense moment…

    i feel scared and paralyzed

    i want to feel relieved and free 🙂



  385.  #385Zia on June 5, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    355 Daria: Just my whole perspective on online dating. Rori’s programs gave me a big part of a new view on dating in general with her circular dating tools and all of her tools, but Evan’s program really gave me a better “how-to” on online dating specifically. From picking the right sites, to writing a great profile, username, and ways to manage sending emails, moving to phone calls etc. It felt like the last piece I needed to really get out there and meet some quality men, and I’ve noticed that the quality is indeed improving. I feel its due the combination of my attitude towards online dating AND the lessons I’m learning from the men put in front of me.



  386.  #386Liz on June 5, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    Andrea thank u for the response yesterday. It really helped me. I am happy to report the following. We talked today. He apologized for his behavior over the last few months. He said
    D he understood what he had be doing wrong. Note: I didn’t prompt this at all. We both agreed that we didn’t want to be behaving this cold way to each other and the ignoring and not keeping promises. He told me he loved me 4 times while hanging up. He told me he liked that I have been more active in my social life. Doing more with my friends which I had stopped. I am soaring….but emotionally and physically drained.



  387.  #387Andrea on June 5, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Thank you for the birthday wishes. : )

    I am feeling soft and lovely and proud of myself tonight. It is almost midnight.

    I checked my phone and my messages and noticed that my man did not try to contact me. I felt hurt. I felt like, “I know I asked him not to, but if he loved me he would have overcome any obstacle to at least say happy birthday to me.”

    Then I felt very strange about knowing and admitting that, in fact, I was a little hurt.

    But a tinier, softer voice sprang up from with in. It reminded me that I had gone a whole day.. my lovely birthday.. in which everyone who called, texted, messaged me, or talked to me in any way today… showed.. love, admiration, joy in knowing me, friendship, smiles, giving..

    Isn’t it funny that I received everything that I wanted today, a soft, peaceful day with communications that were positive, nice, kind, gentle. That my energy was one of peace, gentleness, softness.

    I had no force, no struggles, no anxiety, no stress, no dashed expectations, no arguments, no fear, no worries. Just a small feeling of sadness that I had allowed myself to swim in all of that uncertainty for a whole year and actually called it love.

    And then, this day, I experienced… LOVE… and it was gentle and kind and peaceful and progressive and joyful… and I was engaged with out fear or anxiousness.. and I was happy with out doubt or arguments. (And he wasn’t a part of it.)

    I feel very inquisitive about this tonight as I go to bed. I feel very curious about this and wonder if it has to do with me taking a step in a new direction.

    I saw it one of FW’s posts: I believe that I deserve love. I believe that I deserve happiness.

    When I started saying that to myself, I found out that love and happiness, for me anyway, were a lot less noisy and rambunctious and interrupting than I had ever experienced. It was peaceful. I feel aware. I feel love for myself. I feel trustful and trustworthy. I feel balanced. It is a strange feeling for me. I’m not used to feeling this way. I’m going to go to bed and sink into this new….. something.



  388.  #388Zia on June 5, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    I feel teary reading all that Andrea <3



  389.  #389Indigo on June 5, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Rebecca,

    Being “in your head” is not a good place to be with a guy, especially if you have nasty voices that would like to tell you all kinds of untrue and nasty things about yourself.

    Can you sink into your feelings when you are around this guy, how you feel in your body, and search for the feeling that feels good?



  390.  #390Daria on June 5, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Zia – thank you! I am feeling intrigued about that book/program!

    I feel very comfortable with online dating, but I remember feeling so lost at sea and it took me awhile to piece together a ‘how-to’ strategy of getting to the in person meeting from reading Rori’s comments on blog here and there… having it spelled out in an accessible way would feel empowering



  391.  #391Daria on June 5, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    mm i feel a sigh feel good sink into bed feeling reading Andrea’s comment too

    i feel all cared for myself today too, i just got out the bath … i had an intuitive message to take more baths, more consciously…

    and i soaked in apple cider vinegar tonite for a couple hours…

    i feel soft and soft in my feelings



  392.  #392Daria on June 5, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    My thoughts are responding well to my suggestions…

    so ive been noticing how often i wasn’t voting for me, by picturing him with his homegirl he lives with, or thinking of things she said that triggered my jealousy, or thoughts or images i’ve had about her, or about him towards me in a way that doesn’t feel good…

    and i’ve been suggesting myself to fade those to black and replace with thoughts of him giving to me, wanting me, interacting with me

    and its working… feels like such a relief… and i feel so proud of my ability and so nervous using it and excited that it’s working

    pleased

    and theres more i can shift

    and i feel all mmmmm its working 🙂



  393.  #393Lioness on June 5, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I feel as if I understand where you’re coming from now. Thank you for taking the time to explain it all to me. I think I get what you’re saying…that we are doing all this to have a new normal and that it will all become second nature.

    Still, I am a little unclear about how to not strategize or have an agenda when you’re making the choice of what to choose to express. How do you know what feelings to choose from the soup? Will I eventually just be able to know with enough practice?

    I think someone on here wrote about writing about the sunshine and that he’ll want to touch your skin…well that to me feels like strategy and agenda.
    Isn’t talking about your feelings in order to be more appealing to a man…an agenda? Doesn’t wanting to bring him closer in itself an agenda?
    I am interpreting this as either being brave and expressing tough emotions to a man (in order to be deepen the connection) or being feminine and sensual and talking about your feelings in order to heighten his attraction for you. (Both are desired outcomes and agendas). Aren’t they? Sometimes when I tell myself I’m not attached to the outcome or want nothing, I question whether I am lying to myself. I’m exploring these things out loud as well. Not exactly sure what I’m trying to say.

    It’s difficult not to subconsciously (or to the back of your mind) have a goal in mind. Maybe this is what I’m struggling with as I go deeper into the tools and get to know myself more.

    Anyway, I’m going to approach the work differently from now on after reading what you wrote…and practice the tools with this new mindset of going for a new normal? I will say that I have been enjoying being this way for some times and your tools helped me to embrace my feminine nature and helped me be more honestly and real and vulnerable TO MYSELF.

    Thank you for explaining. I’m still a little confused and working it out in my mind right now but definitely closer to the track. I feel good reading your response and exciting to start practicing again.



  394.  #394Zia on June 6, 2013 at 12:20 am

    I think where the letting go of agenda comes in, is that you express your feelings without expecting a single thing in return. Then, you open yourself up to “be surprised” 🙂



  395.  #395Janu on June 6, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Hi all, I love this blog and reading some of the stories relates to me. Reading Rori’s advice as well as Christian’s, helps me deal with my thoughts and feelings.
    I am still in the shock stage. See, my relationship of 2 years ended so quick. I get an email from him saying”I think we should go our separate ways as I dont have that feeling of wanting to be with you anymore” will chat when I get back. My response was “I feel same” lets talk when you get back. Two weeks later still no word, he avoided my calls and any attempt to meet. Finally he agrees to meet to talk. I listened to him, his mind made up to end the relationship. His reason was “he felt no support from me when he needed it”. I asked him how was i supposed to support him and work on “us” when he had shut me out and not see me? He had emotionally detached himself, he said he loves me weeks earlier to “he has no feelings for me” – how was I supposed to react? Naive me!

    I said; “if its what you think is best, I am okay with it”. I realized that moment he had broken up with me on the email, that’s why he avoided me. My heart broke into so many pieces. Would anything I said,make any difference?

    He wants to be friends, I pointed out that we barely talked at this point and he said he cared for me and if we did run into each other he did not want it to be awkward. He said our physical relationship was great as we talked about having breakup sex. He laughed said he was okay with it and I said “don’t tempt me”. I know it wasn’t a good idea but we did enjoy. Better the devil you know. Moving on is tough but its something I am working on…I guess my dream came true.



  396.  #396Janu on June 6, 2013 at 12:56 am

    My dream.

    My boyfriend came to visit me at my home, he was with a younger woman and they were sitting on the couch. She had her hands on his leg, like couples do. His son was with me in the kitchen, hugging me and whispered in my ear “I still like you” he said and kissed my cheek. My boyfriend came into the kitchen and I was upset with him saying why he was with a younger woman and he just smiled and looked at me. I told my boyfriend about my dream and he laughed at me saying ” I’m not leaving you for a younger woman”. My dreams followed with us passing each other and not talking. Sadly to say we broke up the same month.



  397.  #397Veronica on June 6, 2013 at 1:12 am

    178 – Millie – Thank you!



  398.  #398Veronica on June 6, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Thank you FW, Heart, Lisa and Moving Magic for sharing and really opening this up for me. Your words help me to consider things carefully for myself so that I’m at peace with my decision/choice. I appreciate your efforts.

    FW – 300 – I’m going to dig into my pattern a bit more. I’m not quite there yet in thinking of unfriending specifically as attractive or easy to do. I enjoy your encouragement and am keeping it as a reminder that being bold is an option. I also love your questioning of some of Heart’s ideas – I don’t see it as criticism but as opening up for more exploring – thank you.

    Heart – 301- Wow, you’ve summed up my concerns re:unfriending very well. It feels so good to be understood and that feels like kindness.

    Lisa – 304 – Thank you! Intention is so important.

    Moving Magic – 313 – I hadn’t even thought of the dating and fb requests issue. If it comes up I’ll think on what you said.



  399.  #399Veronica on June 6, 2013 at 1:34 am

    I think unfriending him would have given me another thing to stress/agonise about. By not doing this, I’ve noticed that the urgency dissipated and I’m confronting what I’m struggling with: holding on.

    I can’t imagine a good man being in love with me, wanting so much to be with me. I can imagine a man desiring me but not loving me, and this desire is always short term. The idea of a man coming towards me scares me, it feels violent, I don’t feel safe. I’m scared that I’ll lose control over myself or that I’ll be physically or emotionally trapped. So it seems maybe safer to hold on when a man is going away. I also suspect that I hold on because I know if I stop that he won’t come back, that I’ll be alone again. (Alone is fine, the problem I feel is that I can’t seem to get into relationships that last.)

    I can imagine a man wanting to be in contact with me, wanting to be around me, wanting to share his life with me, wanting to care for me, wanting to adore me UNTIL SOMETHING/SOMEONE BETTER COMES ALONG and I get dropped. I can’t imagine a man wanting to do all the above and be so content and happy with that.



  400.  #400Syreena on June 6, 2013 at 2:46 am

    Thank You Lisa.

    Happy Birthday Andrea.



  401.  #401Indigo on June 6, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Lioness 392

    I really do get what you’re saying re: agendas and outcomes.

    I know that at times, I absolutely have an agenda, and I absolutely have an attachment to the outcome. For me though, instead of banishing my agenda or my desire for a particular outcome, I become aware of it, soften towards it. I actually open up my heart towards my agenda and attachment to outcome and tuck it away lovingly, not despising, just noticing it.

    Personally, I think it’s ok to have wishes and hopes, but for me it has just been very key to be aware of these and aware of how they can affect my interactions if they are unconscious. Knowing about them, I smile at them and tell them they’re ok, and carry on with my day.

    For example, it is pointless me denying that I love D and would love for him and me to be together. *But* that wish doesn’t have to rule my life, I still have choices and I can still choose love for myself over that in any given situation.

    Not sure if any of that is helpful to you 😉



  402.  #402ruth on June 6, 2013 at 4:49 am

    398
    Indigo, I wish I knew how to do that-to stop a wish ruling my life
    I feel so stuck



  403.  #403ruth on June 6, 2013 at 4:51 am

    and happy Birthday Andrea
    🙂



  404.  #404BeLoved on June 6, 2013 at 5:05 am

    Silver-Tongued Siren

    I feel such a strong resonance with your story, it reminds me so much of where I was when I was younger and had a baby.
    What popped into my head right away reading them was a line from a Poe song, “You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being.”

    I’ve been on both sides of this, my experience is that toxic people do not respond well to care, love, empathy, rationality. It’s a language they (and the former me) don’t understand and feel suspicious of.
    There’s no making sense of non-sense, it’s exhausting and fruitless.

    Rori’s tools are so so so very good, this post is especially applicable here – keep the focus on ME, trust my boundaries, I know what I will and will not tolerate.

    A site that helped me see the forest for the trees is baggagereclaim.co.uk – Teh Crazee had become my ‘normal’ and BR helped me sort it out at a practical level, in my mind – and Rori’s tools helped me sort it out at a physical/visceral/emotional level.

    (((((STS))))))
    and ((((((((baby sts))))))))
    🙂



  405.  #405IamHis on June 6, 2013 at 5:22 am

    This actually happened:

    I walked in.

    He’s standing right there, talking to someone.

    He excuses himself, smiles at me, asks me about my day, and walks me to my class.

    It made me feel so special and important.

    I feel shy and scared and warm and happy and curious.



  406.  #406Veronica on June 6, 2013 at 5:39 am

    Happy Birthday Andrea



  407.  #407BeLoved on June 6, 2013 at 5:53 am

    Andrea, I feel so relieved to see you caring for yourself. (((((Andrea)))))
    Happy birthday!!!

    (¯`v´¯)
    `*.¸.*´
    ¸.•´¸.•*¨)¸.•*¨)
    (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´¸¸.•



  408.  #408BeLoved on June 6, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Interesting to see where my defenses go up…
    finding a pocket of sorrow in an old memory.
    I want to drop those images and that memory in a river of forgiveness and compassion,
    wash away the pain, the fear, the feelings of rage and helplessness, despair and desperation.
    Bringing in soft pinks, purples, the first rays of dawn’s light
    wash it away
    with love and love
    ((((belle))))
    ((((big D and little d))))



  409.  #409Elsie on June 6, 2013 at 6:35 am

    @DARIA – wow. WOW. wow.

    OK – when you were talking about urges and feelings and when you dont follow them you feel inauthentic. YES. YES. 100% YES.

    I struggle with this so much, and it made me feel somehow “normal” or “validated” that someone feels the same way.

    For example, this week we could have spent every night together. Out of 6 days, we spent 4 days together. I wanted him to come back on Sunday to spend more time with me, and last night he didnt come over either. I FEEL an urge to be really upset about this. I wanted him to want to spend every waking minute with me – sort of like I wanted to spend with him. We SO RARELY get time to be together like this, I am still not sure why he wouldnt do everything to be with me for every second.

    I know he was exhausted yesterday. I know that he took medicine that knocked him out. I know that he had some things to do around the house. But….but….but…..my urges say that I want to…..I dont know……berate him, yell at him, scream at the top of my lungs….WHY dont you want to spend all this time with me if you can? Crawl on your knees to get to me if you have to?

    I struggle with the fact that I feel a certain way, but I know its unhealthy. I’m way too needy, and as Mercedes has said and I agree with her, I have put my happiness oftentimes in his hands.

    So I have these feelings, and when I dont act on them I feel like I am trying to change myself or that I’m being inauthentic.

    Its really hard for me to distinguish between honoring my feelings, and then realizing that my feelings are not that healthy and I should probably work on moving them to a healthier place.

    In my example, I actually rested last night. I was by myself, got some things done, and relaxed. BUT while that felt good, and while I knew he had things to do at home and was exhausted as well, I really wanted him to sort of do that dramatic romantic thing and come over anyway in spite of being tired, etc.

    I dont know – its just frustrating for me. I constantly think of DOMINIQUE and how she says that you shouldnt have expectations…..but wow, I have so many of them. And I’m constantly disappointed when they dont show up for me, that I cant enjoy what did happen.

    Huge work in progress here, and I just wanted to say thank you to Daria because it made me realize that I’m not alone.



  410.  #410Mercedes on June 6, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Thank you Elsie! It really is such a relief to have that part nailed down. Feels soooo much better! And we absolutely LOVE the design! 🙂

    I will post pictures online as soon as we get some movement. I should actually start taking pictures now. My blog post could be “From blank slate to beautiful spa!”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  411.  #411Elsie on June 6, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Mercedes – I seriously could NOT be happier for you. I really am so excited to see your pics!!!! I’m sure you are giddy with anticipation!!! 🙂 Its awesome that your dream is coming true. 🙂



  412.  #412Femininewoman on June 6, 2013 at 7:01 am

    “Just a small feeling of sadness”

    Andrea keep making it smaller and smaller. Keep putting it further back inside your heart. You can do this will make that peace and love grow bigger and bigger. Taking up most of the space in your heart so it can morph into bliss.



  413.  #413Mercedes on June 6, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Haha Elsie! I’m not quite giddy yet but I’m getting there. Too many setbacks so far to be too excited (plus…when you walk in…it still looks like some big warehouse. lol). But I am excited and anxious to get moving every step of the way.

    On another cool note, the design team has our logo and they’re working on something cool for us with that and the company doing the sign has the measurements, colors, design, font, etc so that will be moving along soon too. I absolutely cannot WAIT to have the sign up. Then it will feel REAL! 🙂 (ok…it already feels real…it just doesn’t feel “public” yet. haha!)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  414.  #414prplpsn28 on June 6, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Elsie #406 – This so resonates with me too. I know exactly what your saying.



  415.  #415Femininewoman on June 6, 2013 at 7:15 am

    “I am still not sure why he wouldnt do everything to be with me for every second”.

    Maybe because he is not codependent and have you at the center of his universe?



  416.  #416Mercedes on June 6, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Elsie: J and I were together for quite a few years before we started spending most of our time together. Giving each other space was an amazing way to allow our relationship to grow. We needed to know ourselves outside of each other. We needed to miss each other a little bit (a lot sometimes). We really needed that space.

    Now that we live together, we do spend most of our free time together but we also still have that space and still miss each other when one of us is traveling and the other can’t go. We’re working on closing some of that gap too but it has literally be YEARS of this.

    I would encourage you to allow this space. J and I have discovered that over time, we want less and less space from each other. Allow him to have his time and, in my opinion, don’t dwell on why he wants or needs it. He will most likely want/need less as time goes on but ONLY if you allow him the space now. If you crowd him, my experience tells me that he will want MORE space, not less.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  417.  #417Femininewoman on June 6, 2013 at 7:51 am

    “I dont know – its just frustrating for me. I constantly think of DOMINIQUE and how she says that you shouldnt have expectations…..but wow, I have so many of them. And I’m constantly disappointed when they dont show up for me, that I cant enjoy what did happen.”

    Elsie I feel my energy pushing forward again to bring up something I wanted to say yesterday, so here goes.

    I have come to accept that we mostly operate from our unconscious. As such, though we consciously choose to do something, at times we have an unconscious agenda flying below our radar of conscious. That said, what crossed my mind reading about your disappointment around him not staying over the other night is whether that was your unconscious agenda for cleaning his house.

    Hope I don’t trigger you but it seemed to me that you wanted to defend your decision and not get criticized for doing it. Please note I am not criticizing you here. I just want to invite you to look deep inside and ask yourself some tough questions so your higher self can answer you. You don’t even have to answer me here or explain.

    I learned from the Hendricks about unconscious commitments we make. I have read some other coaches who write about this. It is our unconscious that runs our behavior. As this type of thing showed up for you it might be something you want to explore for yourself. It might help clarify for you how you work.



  418.  #418MovingMagic on June 6, 2013 at 8:15 am

    I just read this:

    “But listen to me.
    For one moment quit being sad.
    Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you.”
    -Rumi



  419.  #419BeLoved on June 6, 2013 at 8:21 am

    406

    “I’m way too needy…”
    I remember believing this about me, and dating men who were happy to confirm or reflect that belief.
    It felt like…desperation, like, I was wrong in the core of my being, it felt like a whining gasp for air, tight in my right side, up through my trachea and a high-pitched hum in my throat.
    Wow, now that I feel into it, it feels like…gasping for breath, umbilical cord cut and losing breath before I’m ready to breathe on my own.

    I’m laughing, because I may have formed the belief at birth, “I must need LESS” in that moment.
    Feeling…sweet breath, relief, pressure moving up and around and out of my chest and throat,
    shivers all the way from my perineum, up through my spine, yummy kriya shivers, goosebumps on my legs.,
    I want to laugh out loud..
    I made it!
    I’m alive!!
    f*cking yessssss to this!! 🙂



  420.  #420MovingMagic on June 6, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I have found that as I hold the space for my ever unfolding commitment, love, & acceptance of self – the neediness & pining I once felt has faded into a tiny ember. It’s still there but mostly serves as a reminder of where I’ve been.



  421.  #421Elsie on June 6, 2013 at 8:45 am

    @Mercedes – That is interesting – and yes, I dont want to “crowd” him, its just that this week was VERY unique in the sense that he and I had alone time that we dont usually have and I wanted to spend a lot of that with him. But I hear you.

    @FW – I already felt this way before I helped clean his house. 🙂 I knew a month ago that I wanted to spend all of our time together this week. Its a very unique week. So, that said, I have thought about it – but honestly dont think that it has anything to do with that. To be honest, I have sort of forgotten about cleaning his house – well, not forgotten it, but its not in the forefront of my mind, just like dinner on Sat. night is not on the forefront of my mind. I know it happened, but its sort of over and doesnt trigger anything in me. I COMPLETELY appreciate you thinking of that though. There have been many times that you ladies and espeically you, FW, have connected dots for me that I have not seen, so I completely appreciate you and your time to give me advice. 🙂

    I guess its just a unique week. That said – he is out doing something pretty major for me right now, so I shouldnt complain too much, and we are going to a lovely event tonight that Im super excited for, except I have nothing to wear…. LOL



  422.  #422Femininewoman on June 6, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Understood Elsie. Especially if it is a special week.

    I do believe you have a lot you could wear.



  423.  #423Mercedes on June 6, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Before I move on to the new thread…

    Elsie: ” its just that this week was VERY unique in the sense that he and I had alone time that we dont usually have and I wanted to spend a lot of that with him. ”

    For now, there will always be something different or unique in your situation when there is extra time you could spend together. That won’t mean he stops needing space at that time. No matter how often (or not) you have the opportunity to spend this many nights together, open your heart and allow HIM to decide how much of that time is with you and how much is with himself. He’ll appreciate it.

    He may not be ready for 6 days and nights in a row with you. That’s a lot of time, especially since you generally go quite a few nights apart before you get even one together. Six could be way too overwhelming for him at this point.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  424.  #424Turquoise on June 6, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Hi Sirens! 🙂

    Lioness… I was the one who gave an example of the feeling message about sunshine and then maybe he’d be inspired to touch you. I wasn’t suggesting that feeling message as if you wanted him to touch you, just as in saying that when we use feeling messages, it may inspire a positive feeling in them. Not that it’s expected or an agenda…. but a possible reaction.

    As far as agendas go…. I believe we all have one. To have the relationship we want, whatever that may be. And that is why we are here. It doesn’t mean that everything you say or do is pre-planned to meet that agenda. I feel it’s more that by learning to love yourself, what you really want, and keeping your boundaries in place, helps you get there…. to stay on your bridge.

    I know for me personally, I have always been a pleaser, I’d bend over backwards to do something for someone else, rather than spend that time on something I needed to do for myself. Since being here, that has drastically changed for me. I am still a generous person, but I love me first, and take care of my wants and needs, and give what I can when it fits. It is a healthy boundary for me and my relationships seem much more balanced.

    I hope this makes sense. It does start to feel more natural, more second nature. 🙂



  425.  #425Lisa on June 6, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    @ Turquoise

    I resemble that paragraph.. LOL! bending over backwards… YES! and I at times could bend over backwards and kill myself and it wouldn’t make a difference…

    I’d love to know how and what you did that has changed so much, I think for me, it is second to breathing and I’m not conscience of doing it, until it hurts… I’ve made great steps in not bending over backwards to help or please or to give or even LOVE… and yes, it still haunts me… being taken for granite….. not being valued.. expected to do more…. carry the load… you know what I mean? Apparently, I need more changes on my end…

    While CD’ing today, I carried my heart around with me, and allowed the energy to flow out.. still holding it for myself..

    I think for me, it is so hard to do this work when you are totally exhausted and for me that is most all the time. I do it, and I continue to grow and work on it… but it feel harder b/c I’m so strung out…

    {{{ Hugs }}}}



  426.  #426Erika Awakening on June 7, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Hi Rori,

    It feels so lovely to read this post. So simple and easy to sink into the feeling of being strong and relaxed. Thank you 🙂

    Wow I really, really wanted to comment on one of your earlier posts but I guess the comments are closed. About the meeting the man for the first time long distance thing … because I had a recent experience with this.

    And wow I had been so used to all sorts of other scenarios happening that I was not prepared for this one. That he would think I was THE ONE and that I would find myself not attracted to him at a high level at all. How he presented on paper and how he presented in person were two totally different things. And while there were so many “logical” reasons to be into the relationship, my heart was SO not there.

    I mention it because we planned a not insignificant amount of time together, and I did try to make the best of it. I even decided to get a little bit physical just to see if it would start to feel more “right.” It didn’t.

    Usually I am so so good at feeling out chemistry online ahead of time but there were definitely some issues here that I could have probably not ended up in this situation if I’d asked more probing questions.

    Not a big deal, a lot was learned and I don’t feel bad about it. I’m just way more aware for next time. I think we women can get into this mode where we think the challenge is going to be whether he likes us enough to continue the relationship. Yet it’s equally important that we like and feel attracted to him. There were so many deal breakers for me in this situation, and if I had it to do over again, I would not commit so much time to a man EVEN if he is flying to my city and doing all the work … without asking a whole lot more probing questions ahead of time. And I thought I had lol 🙂

    Feels nice to be here, some time away was good for me but I missed your blog Rori.

    Love,
    Erika



  427.  #427Luzydel on June 9, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I’ve been wondering if I go for men I am deep within not attracted to and deep within I know it wont work jut to convince myself that My negative thoughts were right all along…



  428.  #428Janu on June 10, 2013 at 1:27 am

    @425
    I hear you loud and clear, I too thought that recently and you know what, thats not true. Date men that have common interests that you have and happy men. I found that its difficult to find these men but when you do you will be amazed at all the positive enery around the 2 of you. Then just have fun in “being you”. The rest will follow. Enjoy 🙂



  429.  #429Janu on June 12, 2013 at 12:33 am

    I was just thinking, I followed my heart and broke it. I spoke until I coudnt speak anymore. I broke down my walls and will not put it up again. I will love again, as love is the greatest gift to me/us.

    I went shopping on Sunday and bumped into my ex-bf. He was all smiles and hugged me. Said he was partying a lot. I told him I left some items of clothing/pics in his cupboard and would like to have it returned and when he has time to drop it off. His response was”ok be like that”. I said goodbys and found him looking over his shoulder as he passed by. What did he expect?



  430.  #430Janu on June 12, 2013 at 12:43 am

    message for Luzydel: Monday, 10 June 2013 @ 1:27 was meant for 427…not 425..

    He Just Wasn’t All That Important – loved the read:

    Its difficult reading whats on his mind when he wont open up. So many questions about who the right man is.

    Rori, what you say makes so much sense “I’d somehow trained myself to think of myself as more important than any of these men, and I was able, in an amazing way, to let them just “run through my life.” They ran through my life the way a river runs through river beds. They came in and went out. Some stayed a long time, some didn’t. I am sticking to this now and lets see who will stay..



  431.  #431Bree on June 13, 2013 at 7:25 am

    First of all…Rori, I love your work! It has helped me SO much. This time I just googled “rori raye mamas boy” to see if I could find any advice related to dating a man who is in a co-dependent relationship with his mother. This link appeared, but I don’t see anything about that particular topic. Anyone have any advice for someone who’s deep into a relationship with a man..everything was great, just moved into together a few months..and NOW I discover just how much he depends on his mom’s approval for everything and just how much she knows about our daily lives and our relationship..I don’t feel anything is left privately between us. He’s 44 and it’s always been this way. Any experience with this? Do I painfully cut my losses and run or do you think there is any hope for having an intimate adult relationship with a man who seems to make his mother the priority woman in his life? I feel stuck. Don’t want to leave and don’t want to be in this situation either 🙁



  432.  #432Rori Raye on June 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Bree – What a great question. First – go read Steve Harvey’s book “Think Like A Man”- whole chapter on Mama’s Boys. For me, I’d first – see if you can enroll his mother AND be totally OKAY with his mother with HIM. To me, having him tell his mother everything is about the least painful “issue” a man could have! So, he likes family! When you have a child (if that’s your plan) – he’ll go right into Daddy mode. If he depends on her approval – see if she approves of you – AND – here’s the double-edged sword. He’s ATTRACTED to a woman his mother DOESN’T approve of – so learn to act like a GIRL around her – ask her what she thinks, etc – DON’T get competitive with her. Let’s see how this works out. The only thing I’d be upset with is if his mother came so FIRST, before me, that I felt abandoned. Otherwise, I’d deal with it, if he was a good man otherwise. Love, Rori



  433.  #433Jessie1000 on June 14, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I loved a guy when I had my first son. (15 years ago.) We were best friends. I was too shy and introverted to go out with him then or even hint that I liked him…he seemed out of my league.
    Got a date with him tonight.
    I feel good
    I feel really good and happy and wonderful.
    Not cause I need him but because I tried for once.
    Feels awesome to step out of my comfort zone.



  434.  #434Karen on June 16, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    what program is right for me ? I have been divorced for over a year (after a 20 year marriage) and met a great guy – we have been dating about 5 months – been on vacations, have a lot in common and enjoy each other very much. This weekend he told me – he loved things about me , but was not in love with me yet. I was a bit shocked…..maybe he just sees me as a great friend with benefits? He expressed that it takes time to fall in love – I am confused on how to respond / act now. I set the expectation at the beginning that I was looking for a long term relationship (not casual) and if I didn’t see us going that way – I wouldn’t waste too much time. Thoughts?



  435.  #435Rori Raye on June 16, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    karen – Circular Dating is your golden ticket here…and staying warm and open, and slowly bringing him in. We’ll help. Love, Rori



  436.  #436Inn on June 18, 2013 at 11:27 am

    I just… I do need to find you, Rori, and say THANK YOU.
    I have no idea where I should do this, sorry if this place is not suitable

    Yesterday I downloaded your ebook.
    Just yesterday.

    The price of my happiness is (oh so ironic) $19.97.

    just 115th page of 686 in my iPhone,

    oh my… I’m so.. enlightened. AND HAPPY.
    my boyfriend dumped me three days ago. I still consider him my half and best friend, and I Am Happy all the time (is it weird? oh so ironic)… just to feel myself without any sense of responsibility. it’s not my work anymore, I am a child, I just feel and imagine my desires, whatever I want..

    without any desire to influence, I feel free from it and really happy, suddenly calm at a deep level that I’m (somehow) happy (he’s not here, I miss him, he might still be annoyed at me), ..I trust him with this issue totally and that’s it.

    love you! and want to tell you my story, but I don’t speak english well and.. don’t know would it be interesting for you, a lot of my thoughts!

    just after words “love your nasty voice” without the following text I started to do this! I don’t know how.. am I a talented pupil? 🙂

    your book is amazing! you are my friend forever.

    kind and best regards, Inna :*



  437.  #437Rori Raye on June 18, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Inn – Brava to YOU!!! Love, Rori



  438.  #438Leigh on June 19, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Rory.
    I met my best friend when I was 20. We married 6 years later and were together for another 10 years. We were best friends, great partners, but I was led into an affair that I was honest about the entire time, but in the end it hurt him and made me realize that I needed to be on my own and learn some lessons as a single person. I had never dated much, I was searching for more passion and intimacy, I felt that my husband was more like a good friend or brother. We recently got our signed divorce papers and are still good friends and are even doing a project together.

    Besides my husband, I have only really just ‘hooked up’, where I feel immediately attached to the guy and he was surprised that I wanted more. Around the holidays I met a man who I really like. We were getting intimate right away and after a few weeks I said I wanted to be exclusive if we slept together. He wasn’t ready for that as he felt that meant ‘committed’, and he was very fresh out of a year long relationship (living together) and difficult breakup. But then we slept together because he later said he liked me so much he wanted to give it a go, and of course I wanted to. I hadn’t learned much at this point. Looking back, I have done everything wrong with this man who could have someday been a great partner.

    We continued to spend a few months, very close, doing a lot together that we connect on, talking, me staying over his place a lot, doing things for him (bad idea), and after 3 months I got the ‘I want to be dating other people’ talk. My heart was broken because I felt I couldn’t compromise and want to be exclusive if I am feeling this connected to this man, and he had been talking up all these great things that we were going to do together. He said he still wants to do those things together, but date others.

    I left. I had a long hard sad weekend and then went back to him saying okay, we should date others. It was too fast… But he presented it (and I believed) that we were going to be a primary couple that was allowed to date others (polyamorous) and that we still had a ‘commitment’ to each other. We were going to share when we were interested in others and try a new way of relating, I was into this because typical marriage and commitment hadn’t worked out for me in the past.

    I realize now that he was just backing away as he saw us (and mostly me) getting so serious and intertwined and he knows he is fresh out of relationship and wants to travel and be on his own for awhile. I have to admit he has been pretty honest, for the most part.

    Once I knew he wanted to see others I became moody, fearful, less fun, needy. He backed away, ignored me in public and in front of friends, would turn off completely when alone and not look at me sometimes. He has never given me a gift, I did favors for him from the beginning including monetarily when he was out of work (once he got work he did not reciprocate (buying dinner, etc)), he has been so distant.

    My heart is broken. I fell in l