The Rori Raye Method For Your Teenaged Daughter

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relationship adviceHere’s a jump off from a Mom’s letter about encouraging her teenage daughter to NOT be a girlfriend (as I encourage women to not do all the time…). I replied with an unexpected answer:

Dear “Mom” – My view on teenagers – perhaps up to 23? – is that the girlfriend experience can be a helpful learning experience.

Imagine if a “girl” were able to CD, then choose a boyfriend, then feel free to walk away if he’s not doing the job?

She could practice going into depth with a boy who’s just forming himself as a man – and by the time she’s ready for commitment – she’ll have this DOWN!!!!

Plus – with a teenager – you’re dealing with sex. And you’ll want your daughter to have as safe a place to experiment with that as possible.

At her age – the only way to do that safely is with a boyfriend.

It’s all about who she is, the timing, her self-esteem and personal power, what she needs to learn.

If you model Feeling Messages – and then play the BOY part for her in all your conversations WITH her ((print out the HTRYW book and leave it lying around where she can see it (color up the cover page so she’ll see it)) – she’ll start thumbing through like it’s a magazine article, and then ask you what it is, and then you can share whatever you like with her.

Love, Rori

This has me thinking I should do a teleclass for women with teenaged daughters – we can practice scripting, playing the boy, modeling the girl….

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560 Comments

  1.  #1Wildgeranium on July 5, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Elsie-
    Please don’t talk to GS any more about the relationship.



  2.  #2Wildgeranium on July 5, 2013 at 7:14 am

    following



  3.  #3Mercedes on July 5, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Elsie…I’m so sorry you are hurting. Read from my phone last night. Big hug to help you through the day.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  4.  #4prplpsn28 on July 5, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Just getting connected to the new thread. Did have an awesome day yesterday with my kids. Carnival, water show, dinner while watching a friends band play, and fireworks. And H joined us so I’m very happy for that.



  5.  #5prplpsn28 on July 5, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Oops! Forgot to subscribe lol



  6.  #6Femininewoman on July 5, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Thanks Rori. It would be great if other Moms are interested.



  7.  #7Zia on July 5, 2013 at 8:20 am

    So went out tonight, but there was hardly anyone at the bar we were at! Mostly the group of friends. I didn’t know everyone there though, so made the effort to speak to a few people who I’d not met yet. And practised making, and holding, eye contact with men 🙂

    It was a really great night. I felt happy. I felt HAPPY. Not that “feeling happy and hoping everyone will notice i am and some guy will fall into my lap” happy. Just, happy to be out, talking to people, being open, and smiling, and laughing, and just happy. It felt great 🙂



  8.  #8Sassy on July 5, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Elsie

    From last post:
    “For him, it would be best if I stay in contact”

    How could you possibly know this/say this???

    That sounds “mothering”, controlling, which you have already acknowledged that you are.

    I totally get your pain and confusion, I truly do. I also know that these thoughts, ie wanting him to change to fit into your version of how he should be for you, will radiate out of you and push him into oblivion.

    You can’t possibly know what the future will bring. I certainly don’t see you relying on your faith that if he is to be in your life, then that will happen when and how it’s supposed to.

    Then again, this may all be a huge learning lesson for you, to bring in a man that can do relationship, especially the kind you feel you need and want.

    I’m certainly in the process of learning my very painful lesson, but I have to believe its because there is someone out there that won’t cause me pain and heartache.
    At the end of the day, isn’t that what we are all entitled to?



  9.  #9Millie on July 5, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I wonder if my not having a boyfriend in high school had a negative effect on shaping who I am with men….hmmm



  10.  #10Daria on July 5, 2013 at 9:35 am

    i get into a push and pull of … NO its not all about YOU its all about ME!

    becasue somehow i think its supposed to be all about them and im doing something weird/different by making it all about me

    i dont really ‘own’ it yet

    🙁



  11.  #11Millie on July 5, 2013 at 9:39 am

    @Elsie-from the previous thread

    Elsie….I say this from love and care for you. I feel like you need to Stop. Just Stop. I hear your mind racing, your heart beating, your breath panicking in your words. Take a moment to breath and step back from all that has happened. Only with distance between you and GS will you discover how you truly feel. Continuing contact right now will only confuse your feelings. Centering your actions on what is best for him will muddy them even more…Stepping back is not forever, no one said you had to make a “contact/no contact” decision forever. Reaching out for what you want is not the same as being given what you want….He wants space, take advantage of that distance-YOU can take your own space. If I were in your position right now, I would tell him that my emotions are all over the place and that I need space too. Only with space and silence can your feelings sink and go through the process of letting you know what YOU want. When that happens…I gaurantee you will discover a more compatible relationship is out there. So, just Stop, take some time for yourself, don’t make any decisions right now other than what is best for YOU.



  12.  #12Daria on July 5, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Dude now i have an urge to address his facebook status and say:

    “What are you talking about??? Why havent you come yet babe, I have the house to myself for the whole WEEK!

    GEt on the bus NOW! LOL 🙂 I MISS YOU!!!! FREAKAZOID”

    and then he would probably wind up coming.

    wtf

    andthen id have a fun companion

    is THAT the right thing to do?

    cuz its fun and playful and not pretneding ? to be aloof

    or is it better to be aloof

    i feel all endeared to him now

    pufff

    ill just be like… BABE what are you talkin about, YOURE not rockin… why havent u come yet, can u come now i have the house to myself for a whole week i need u to stay here



  13.  #13Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Hi all.

    First off, I want to say thank you for ALL of your support. You all took time to write to me and give me your opinions/advice, and I appreciate it more than you know. The last two days were dark for me, and I know you were all there to support me .

    You all have different opinions on what to do. In the end we all have to follow our own truth. Not Rori’s and not some other advice, our own truth for that moment.

    I am in a VERY good place now.

    I did what was right for ME. I calmed down and really sunk into what I needed in this situation.

    I went over and we talked about the 4th. Then, I told him that I had spent a great deal of time thinking about everything from HIS point of view, which I hadnt done before. Not really. I said, I had been viewing all of this from the point of view of being hurt. But I marinated in what it was like to be you. Fixing the house, living with her, exhausted emotionally, exhausted from doing everything for the kids, etc. etc. I listed it ALL for him. And then said, then knowing that you get so much from me emotionally and physically, and that your tank is just empty to give back to me right now.

    I said, you have given me a gift. If you and I ever end up together I will know that you never lied and never strung me along. You know your truth now, which is that you do not have enough to give me right now, but that you feel guilty about that because you REALLY want to give to me, but you cant right now. You dont think thats fair to me to just give me crumbs right now, and you want us to try to be together when this is over and you are in a place to give more to me because you feel I deserve that.

    His expression was priceless. His eyebrows were raised. He shook his head in disbelief. He was like, yes. Exactly. He said “I want us to work out, but I dont know if we do and right now I cant give to you because I have so much of a burden and I only want to be fair to you and NOT give you crumbs, but give you everything you deserve. I do want to start dating after this – Elsie, you get me, now I know you get me better than anyone else. I cant see the goal of a realtionship because of all of the muck I’m in right now.”

    So, then I said, well, you take this time, however long it is. And come back to me when you are healthy and able to give me what you now KNOW that I NEED. And we will see then if it works out. I do not know if I will talk to you or not. I am still working on that because sometimes I get close to you and that is painful, so I need this time for me. I will date other people in this time, but as you requested, I will not tell you when I do. I said, but if I am being this emotionally vulnerable with you, then if you feel something towards me one day, like if you think I look pretty, or want to tell me how you feel one day, then I am allowing you to do that and not hold back. I may change my mind and later ask you not to do that. I do not know. I am being honest.

    He looked at me and said “You are beautiful. I love you.”

    And then he hugged me really hard. He started crying and said, “Thank you. Thank you so much for understanding. Thank you for understanding ME.”

    He cried. I didnt. HE CRIED. And I didnt. I was just smiling through the whole thing.

    That is what happened and it is my truth, and it feels good.

    Today I will talk to him. Tomorow I may feel too emotionally craving and wont.

    Regardless, I will know that I let him go on my terms as well. I will know that if he and I are ever together in the future, that I said everything I needed to say. I am completely at PEACE with this now.

    And Mercedes – to answer the question I’m sure you are thinking – YES. I will be circular dating. 🙂

    If I find someone else, I am going to pursue that.

    I am going to work on getting my house together and looking nice since my ex moved out.

    I am filing for divorce next week.

    I am going to plan a trip for my children and I this fall.

    I am going to hit another weight loss goal by my birthday.

    I am going to finish up the last 6 years of scrapbooking that need to get done – haha!

    I am going to snuggle with my children and enjoy all of these moments because they will be gone soon.

    I am going to maybe start painting again.

    My life is not a bad one at all. All my friends and family are healthy and happy. Its an awesome life. I’m going to go start living it. If someone wants to come along on the journey with me (GS or someone else) then they are going to have to pay the price of admission to be on the trip with me, and to make sure that my needs are going to be met.

    I’m hopeful and optimistic for MYSELF for the first time in a really long time.

    I feel great because *I* let go of him, instead of him telling me that he needed space. They may sound the same but they are worlds apart.

    I just want to tell everyone here thank you for being part of this journey with me so far.

    I am *sure* *SURE* *sure* that I will backslide. I will have moments of weakness. Moments I am not proud of. Moments where I am an emotional mess.

    I am thanking you all in advance for not judging me for those moments I’ve had, and the moments I will have in the future.

    And I’m thanking you all for being here for me during this time. I dont know seriously what I would do without all of you.



  14.  #14Daria on July 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

    BABE what are you talkin about, YOURE not rockin… why havent u come yet, can u come now i have the house to myself for a whole week i need u to stay here

    ***what if i just PM him that?

    I almost just did that now.. .hmmm

    it would be ‘different’ than my pattern… i think



  15.  #15Daria on July 5, 2013 at 9:53 am

    well i was gonna do it cuz i feel reallly empowered and good thinking aout doing it

    but now i dono io just hung back

    u know…

    sometimes i feel really empowered and good crossing my arms

    but

    then if i open my arms and putmy palms up, hands along my body… ifeel shaky and awkward but it never fails to get the men

    i can do that now

    ‘dont take the bait’

    or else ill lose it

    im actually inspiring huge deep commitment attraction here by being solid in my desires and commitment to myself



  16.  #16Daria on July 5, 2013 at 9:57 am

    FU*CKIN FU*CK YO I WOULD REALLY WANT HIM HERE BUT

    I WILL START TRIPPIN OUT IF HE LEAVES AND SHIT

    I WILL JUST CHILL TILL HE COMES HIMSELF?

    😕

    UFFFFFFFFF

    now i feel like he IS giving to me by creating a drama public facebook status

    like either way im getting attention

    ok but what do i WANT

    do i WANT him here now,

    or do i WANT to … wait

    ew don’t wait!

    but do i WANT to attract a better relationship than we’ve been having…

    hmmm



  17.  #17Wildgeranium on July 5, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Elsie:

    That sounds great. It really does.

    People do get back together after long periods of time.

    My bioDad and his wife met and it was love at first sight. They absolutely could not be together due to a professional conflict of interest. They had to not be together for two years during which time they both dated other people. After the 2 years they could start dating again and the rest is history….

    You get to make yourself the best person you can be–for yourself–*and* you know there is a man there who truly loves you and wants what is best for you and for him.

    Don’t keep coming here though! I’ve gotten very emotionally attached to your story (lol)!



  18.  #18Daria on July 5, 2013 at 10:06 am

    wtf now i feel like its all on me

    liek w my other guys i would invite them but him no

    wtf

    then if i invite him what if i feel disssed

    he might have started working and not have this week free

    ***********

    the pattern ive been doing is not being PUBLIC with my affection for him.

    liek the other girl.

    so like right now similiarly i dont want to write on his FB status

    cuz i feel ike ‘im doing it for attention – it feels icky 0- knowing everyone is watching’

    but on the other hand, im actually HIDING because evryone is watching…

    it shouldnt matter

    i shoudl feel proud

    but i dont i feel terrified

    i always do with men in public

    maybe thats how they get stolen from me

    but arent i SUPPOSED to not ‘claim them” in public?

    so they can claim me?

    like if i write on his status, i will fele like judging myself like being desperate and tryna claim a man

    like be all over a man

    and i judge girls like that

    but maybe they actually have backbone

    where i don’t

    hmmm…

    maybe if i had some of that, it wouldn’t be an issue with other women

    cuz i could be myself aroudn them…



  19.  #19Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 10:18 am

    @WildGeranium – I feel honored that you got attached to my story! You said dont keep coming here….does that mean you want me here or not? LOL. It can be read both ways, which CRACKS me up because it again shows that when someone geniunely wants to communicate something, the other person can take it totally differently.

    I do believe you cant say the wrong thing to the right man. I do believe that things happen for a reason. I do believe. I do.

    So, I have just let go.

    I feel more at peace writing this than I have in a very long time.

    Let something go. If it comes back to you….and all that. 🙂

    In the meantime, I have stuff I really want to do for ME.

    I think the hardest will be at night when I crave someone next to me. I will have to sort that out when it comes. I love feeling someone next to me and the intimate pillow talk moments that you have with someone that make all your inside jokes, etc.

    I will probably miss that I think. I dont know – maybe I wont. But I know myself well enough to think I probably will.

    But right now…..I am really at peace.

    Again, I cant thank all you sirens enough. Wow, I mean…..really.



  20.  #20Sassy on July 5, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Elsie,

    I feel happy for you. I wish all the best for you in this journey.



  21.  #21Daria on July 5, 2013 at 10:24 am

    i REALLY REALLY want to write him

    maybe this will hellp me be less shy!

    break my taboo of speaking to my men in public…

    i envy other women who do so, and also judge them…

    depending…

    how it works out for them… i guess

    but right now i feel angry

    an i feel afraid of feeling humiliated

    and i want to not feel this way

    but what if im rationalizing

    what if i always rationalize this way

    hmmm

    I feel… stumped

    I feeel angry

    I feel anxious



  22.  #22Wildgeranium on July 5, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Ha! I *meant* to say “don’t stop” coming here! LOL

    I always HATED that saying…”if you love something let it go…” I just didn’t want to hear it. Until finally, finally, I really believed that it was true and actually the only way it really works. Even it its subtle. At least with the type of man that I am attracted to–The super independent manly man type. The only way they feel comfortable is if they can retain their independence. And the easiest way for them to feel that freedom is for their partner to have their own completely full life that doesn’t require a man in it. And when they feel that they are not needed, then they can give me the kind of love and attention that I need. Its totally counterintuitive, but it is totally true.

    You’ll feel really low at times I’m sure. But the silver lining in that is you get to learn how to make yourself feel better.

    That is what this whole process is about.

    XO



  23.  #23Blue Eyed Girl on July 5, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I have been reading on the blog for nearly a year. I am so inspired by all of your stories and posts. I attribute Rori, Dominique and Mercedes for saving my relationship early on. I have spent so many hours reading all three blogs/sites and have learned so much about being in a relationship and just being a woman.

    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is a great guy, but not great with affection, I love you’s and s3x. I have learned from Dominique to look for his way of showing his love and that has really made me appreciate him in a new way.

    I have felt too shy to join in, but feel that I am ready now. I had such a great experience last night that I wanted to share. My bf (I’ll call him D) and I recently had sex, so I wasn’t really expecting to have it again. It is the middle of my cycle and very chemically attracted to him, so I was struggling to not initiate sex. I could feel his tiredness and withdrawl from what he must have felt as pressure, so I jokingly mentioned that I was feeling horny since it was the middle of my cycle and that he need not worry, that I’d take care of it on my own and then turned away from him. He left the bed for a minute to get something and came back and snuggled up against me and proceeded to “help me out”. We ended up having some really great sex.

    It was such a turn around from what has happened in the past when I pressured him, gently or otherwise. Usually he gets frustrated, I feel rejected and we both feel bad. When I told him how I felt, pulled my energy away from him and turned away to take care of my own happiness, he was drawn to me. It was just incredible to feel the change in him. I did the waterwheel image, as well as thinking of myself as a very desirable goddess that he couldn’t possibly resist. He most definitely felt the shift. This stuff really works–not in the sense of winning or manipulating– but in creating the space he needed to come to me and we both ended up feeling great about it.

    Anyway…. sorry for the long intro, but I hope to actually participate instead of just reading. I love the this journey I started because of this site and hope to share in this with other wonderful ladies.



  24.  #24Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Yay Elsie 🙂



  25.  #25Heart on July 5, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Daria – these facebook things happen all the time…but you need to ask yourself….why would someone make an FB message & not contact you personally?

    lack of confidence…toying with you….of maybe it’s just modern times….and ppl like those FB signal things….
    Don’t contact him…remember don’t give a man more than he’s giving u….But Have fun…post a picture of a rocking chair lol….Don’t take everything so seriously…hehe.



  26.  #26Heart on July 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Bloggies – I feel a little huffy and angry …I watched a documentary…and feel angry about injustice…grrrr

    Btw I went reading some of my old posts…wow…lol.



  27.  #27Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I feel as if this holiday was the master’s course in something I have been learning during all my time apart from D.

    This is about how I feel about me. This is how I feel within me. And that is all that really matters. How I feel about me, and with me.

    And I know how I want to feel. Like a rock, and like a river. Like a goddess and like a woman. Strong, calm, and totally fulfilled. Knowing that I will keep this feeling of being peaceful and adored whether a man is there or not. Because it’s not about him at all.

    And this holiday has helped me get there.

    And I feel all those feelings that I would feel for my beloved. But they’re in me, they *are* me, and I don’t need to be any less if he’s not there. Because it’s not about him.



  28.  #28Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I think of the women I admire, they are so self-contained. And their beauty and the glory that is in them doesn’t diminish according to another person.

    Wow. I want to be that way.



  29.  #29Daria on July 5, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Heart – thanks!

    well i have these awsome picutres of me i posted… so thats the last thing i posted

    im still obsessing about contacting him and how it would go…



  30.  #30Daria on July 5, 2013 at 10:51 am

    because im thinnking i could get him to come here and then we;d get to know each other moer

    and hed forget all abut his issues w me

    we could have a fun time

    maybe hed be inspired to be wi me more

    but then id feel crushed if he left early (to be w her in my mind)

    and my confidence and self esteem is low in general

    even tho around him it will go back to hi

    hmm

    i wonder if im just sabotaging myself by not claiming whats offered / availalbe…. i know i could have a fun week right now w him!

    and instead i isolate myself and pine and complain over men and what im not offered/ is not availalble

    and my only strategy is abstinance/deprivation…

    and i count on Thtat power to turn the energy around

    but maybe im missing out on an easy way to have my cake and eat it too



  31.  #31Daria on July 5, 2013 at 10:55 am

    ok so before ‘this’ i was thinkig how i wasnt gonna contact men any more just let them come to me and really step my status up

    but right now i feel lonely!

    and desperate

    i dont’ want to feel this way



  32.  #32Heart on July 5, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Daria – don’t contact him & please don’t comment on his status…you don’t even know if it’s about you.
    Stay in Feminine energy…

    Shake yourself…go outside….hug a tree…Now.



  33.  #33Daria on July 5, 2013 at 11:06 am

    omg!

    Aha moment!

    i coem to the realization that the last guy i did that with – publicly claimed, een when he wasnt around, behaved like iwas his esteemed wife, no matter what he was doing (other women,other plans)…

    RAN OFF AND MARRIED MY BEST FRIEND!!!!

    and everyone thought we would be married!

    in the whole town so… hmm

    i concluded that guys diont liek that, that they run from it… being claimed

    but lots of guys say im cold –

    but then most of the time i feel warm

    yah ao since then i dont want to claim a guy publicly, im afraid he’ll feel controlled impinged upon, turned off

    😕

    hmmm

    i feel like a washing out of my energy and i feel stone face



  34.  #34Veronica on July 5, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Being silent after skype didn’t work out actually worked – the guy apologized and explained what had happened. I saved myself a LOT of energy.

    I imagine quite often what it would be like to be near BM again and then I remember that this is just more imaginary stuff until I can use it to open up parts of me that want to come out but the situation for it hasn’t arrived. When it feels like imaginary hanging on I remind myself that he’s gone and it feels like sorrow for a while. I can’t tell yet if it’s because he’s thinking of me or if it’s just me wanting that moment. I sort of just slip into it, maybe it’s comforting. Crying now. I can’t let things just be all up in the air, it’s though there has to be a reason for what I’m feeling and how I’m doing things. Not knowing and letting things happen feels scary and painful, as if I’m at the mercy of something else. There’s too much up in the air for me…and there are other things I want to be busy with. I’m not good at ignoring that kind of thing – it feels unresolved and then I want that feeling out of me. Just need to get that out.



  35.  #35Daria on July 5, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Whatever

    he’s just crazy attracted to me

    just like Getright

    no matter what with their x’s they come back to me like whoa D you were right

    you are hella down and dope

    and maybe i do want to treat you good after all



  36.  #36Millie on July 5, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Elsie- that was beautiful 🙂



  37.  #37Shanta on July 5, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Hello,
    Ok. There’s this guy that I’ve been seeing lately that has been distant lately. I use the feeling messages and he responds but not with any real answers. Just I know or I try etc. and that’s it. Honestly, I’m tired. I thought we were getting so close & then out of nowhere he went from contacting me everyday seeing each other regularly to not at all. His family and friends are always saying how crazy he is about me & I get along great with them. I care for him a lot but I’m tired of putting in & not feeling like I’m getting anything back. He has always been secretive as I call it but he says he shy. I disagree.

    Secondly, I’ve been on a dating site. I’m not a paying member so I don’t get full access. Anyway, there’s a guy that has sent me msgs (that I can’t respond to because I’m not a paid member on that site) the last msg had his name and number asking me to txt or call him sometimes because he really liked my profile & would like to get to know me. I’m not sure if I should text him 1st and if I do what do I say? He’s one of the few that says hey I liked your profile I would like to get to know you better. It’s usually hey nice body call me, or hello ur very cute we should talk. A little advice would be great!!! Thanks!



  38.  #38KiKi New Giel on July 5, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    @ Daria I’ve recently been checking out Rori’s blog, I guess they call that ‘trolling’ ( uggh that word feels pervy ) but I’ve noticed that you’ve been here for awhile. This is the first time I’ve posted EVER on ANY blog. I wanted to know how your journey has been through the years of finding Rori’s methods and using the tools and riffing and transforming. How do you feel you’ve changed have you shed your caterpillar cocoon and become a butterfly. I know we al are a work in progress but wanted to know a little about your personal experience. I was trying to explain Rori’s book, blog and programs to my homegirl last night, I might’ve been a little tipsy because she thought it sounded “oppressive” and being a meek little woman, I tried to explain that it’s the exact OPPOSITE and to start reading through the posts and she’ll have one of those “AH-HA” moments like me and so many other people have. How has this new way of lkooking at men and love and life helped/changed you.. Also open for anyone who has been practicing the tools for awhile. Has this been life changing?? I’m slowly seeing it in my owm life.



  39.  #39Daria on July 5, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Can you be down like that ? You show me. You show me first. If you down like that Ima show u im bigger than this whole Earth



  40.  #40Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Feel kind of restless tonight. Maybe because it’s just two more days and then I’m heading for home.

    Like a bird who wants to be reborn and take flight. I can feel myself straining, to let go of the old ways, and bursting towards the new.



  41.  #41Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    (((Veronica)))

    There is a reason, but it’s not usually something you *know* in the moment.



  42.  #42Arachne on July 5, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    *big hugs to all the Sirens here* – yes, I’m still alive, and I’m sorry I don’t have the time to read all your wonderful comments, and I support you all in your journeys!

    As for the post: I’m 25 and God knows, I still need the “girlfriend experience”… *sigh/giggles*



  43.  #43Indigo on July 5, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Well my earlier revelation seems to be continuing.

    I caught myself wondering what D was thinking and why he was thinking it, and then something in my mind all of a sudden stopped me, a little bit sassy and definitely strong and said, ‘It doesn’t matter’. And the wondering stopped, just like that. That felt GOOD. 🙂



  44.  #44Lisa on July 5, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    WOW the rollercoaster continues…..

    I need advice fast…

    I’m feeling set up… I know that isn’t an emotion…

    “M” has gotten upset a few times in regards to short notice… which is very ironic since that has been a pattern with him… that we are working on….

    We had a heavy discussion about it last weekend and he said he can see how it isn’t respecting my time, by not giving me notice about the dates….

    so 4th of july…. I call him at 10:30 to discuss plans as he had ask me to do… he didn’t call me back until 12:40…. he didn’t really give me much on the way of why it took so long… since my message was please call me as soon as you get this message…

    last night when he as leaving he was using humor to make a point about short notice… I said my daughter is like that…she didn’t let me know until last minute… which wasn’t really fair since, he didn’t call me back for over 2hrs…

    So, I said I know honey, but every family has their thing…and this is one of them for mine… I let you know when I knew…

    Then I mentioned that it was difficult for me to hear that since he has given me a hours notice before…on dates… he said… “well it’s ok when I do it, just not when you do it..” I said in a jovial way… ” I know, I noticed that”

    I know he uses humor to work through feelings… ( masculine thing to do)

    but and my gut told me this last night when he left… he calls me exactly 1 hour before he is to be here and leaves a message…

    I know I thought things were changing but, and I need advice… this feels so punishing.. b/c I mentioned it last night… that is why he is doing it…

    Now here is the kicker… I noticed I feel punished and that I also noticed if I say something about it in my feeling words… he will punish more this weekend for our first night away…

    I’m just noticing my feelings very closesly…

    I’m sensing fear of speaking up for fear of withholding and punishment…

    Do I listen to my gut and know that I knew he was going to do this… and speak up… knowing full well he might do it again for our weekend away… or let it go and see how the weekend away goes… ???

    I don’t like feeling like things are double standard…

    Also, let me say that I did do something in the movies last night that felt like coaxing…when he was e-mailing during the movie.. instead of using my feeling messages… I said “will you be done with that soon?” but my energy was frustrated b/c he wasn’t being respectful…
    Which I know is not good…

    So, is his behavior in response to mine in the movie last night or is this a serious pattern?

    Help?

    do I go on the date as planned… I don’t know…

    XOXOXO

    Oops I posted on the last thread…



  45.  #45Femininewoman on July 5, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    I don’t like feeling like things are double standard…

    Is actually a thought a judgement. If however you are sure that it is a gut feeling about the punishment thing, I would encourage you to speak up.



  46.  #46Dominique on July 5, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Lisa – 41 – No one can tell you whether to go on this date or not. Only you can answer this question. If you want to go, then go.

    As for M, asking him to change seems to be causing the resistance in him. He is who he is. He may know what you prefer, yet when he’s told many times it’s not okay, most people, him included it seems, will resist. No one likes to be directed.

    The best way to change this in him IF it’s going to change is to love him and accept this in him even if it never changes.

    You can say – it feels better having more notice, and better yet you can tell him when he DOES give you notice – THANK YOU. It feels so much better getting notice sooner. THANK YOU.

    This will change, or it won’t. Asking over and over again will likely guarantee it won’t change.

    If this is truly deal breaker behavior, then you already know what to do.

    How is everything else with him? Does all the good stuff outweigh this one thing or any other things which may bother? If your answer is yes, then I encourage you to accept this him.

    And if this changes, wonderful. If it still doesn’t change, you won’t mind because you’ve chosen to love him anyway.

    xxoo



  47.  #47Luzydel on July 5, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    So I started to feeling “needy” not acting, just feeling. I started to practice the tools from the link I posted in the other blog. I need to accept, and accepting does not mean I am taking less and taking crumbs, but accepting things as they are right now and to please myself in every way possible.

    Going to the movies alone to watch a “chick flick” have some junk food and enjoy ME. I have not being invited by a cd (except CaptainCD) in three weeks and I start feeling that feeling that I do not like and I feel like crying and start feeling less and then I feel yuck for feeling like that.

    Right now, I have no other CD, CaptainCD is in the rubber-band stage now, and I want to feel good; so it is my work to make me feel good.



  48.  #48Emerson on July 5, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Luzydel I like what you said about wanting to feel good…and about going to the movies! I can just see you enjoying yourself with popcorn and raisinettes 🙂

    I want to feel good too and part of what helps me is keeping my perspective and not comparing myself to others! People compare all the time. I don’t want to do that. It almost always feels bad in some way.

    I’ve been working on focusing on what I want & NOT what I don’t want!! I want affection, honesty, love, shared values, intelligence, change, fun, new experiences, support…



  49.  #49Sassy on July 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Ok ladies, answer me this….

    What do you do when you can’t seem to get past the
    “wanting what (who) you can’t have?”

    And yes, I’ve CD’d, kept busy, filled my life with things I love….etc but I can’t stop.



  50.  #50Daria on July 5, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    so this guy who is Getright’s friend who tried to get with me before came over

    and he wants to get with me again

    and i feel flattered

    and anxious

    i want to manippulate the situation to stay within my boundaries

    and i feel concerned abou tit



  51.  #51Melanie Murphy Myer on July 5, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Sassy,

    It partly depends on the circumstances. Is it an ex? Is it unrequited love?

    Part of the answer (imo) is to allow yourself to grieve. Sink into the feelings and allow yourself to feel them fully, giving yourself comfort while you feel what you feel. Comfort yourself as you would comfort a small child who was feeling this way.

    ~ Melanie



  52.  #52Rori Raye on July 5, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Kiki – Welcome! Love, Rori



  53.  #53Rori Raye on July 5, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Blue Eyed – Brava to YOU! Thank you for the wonderful story, and you’re doing so great! Love, Rori



  54.  #54Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Hi all. 🙂

    I wanted to give an update. I am so calm and so at peace. Wow – it just has been a GREAT day for me. For…..ME.

    We went to lunch with my daughter. It was so fun and so awesome. Very sweet and really a ton of fun. He paid and opened doors – that is his way, and I love it.

    At the end he gave her a big hug, and I loved that too. And he smiled at me and said good bye.

    And that was it. I loved the lunch and I loved having it with him, and then I loved that he was leaving and I was on my own. It was allllll good.

    Also, College CD texted me today and that was awesome. He said he was very happy we reconnected and was VERY EXCITED that we were talking again. He asked some questions about my life that made it clear that he was interested in me as way more than a friend.

    I am excited to see where this goes. I am also a little nervous because I still do have very strong feelings for GS.

    I do feel like I’m going to work on me right now. What happens will happen. And again, you CANT say the wrong thing to the right guy. I TOTALLY believe that now. Because if that were the case, then GS would have left long ago LOL!!!! I’m not saying he is the one in the end, but he was good enough that I know no matter what I said would have really hurt the relationship now.

    That is the reason that Rori’s tools are fantastic, but you have to remember that sometimes you stray and thats ok – and you have to be with someone where that is ok.

    Anwyay – I went to a BBQ tonight and hung out by the pool for hours, and all in all it was an awesome day.

    I feel like I have so much DIGNITY back. That feels so much more like ME. I am SO GLAD I went over and talked to him today. I said what I needed to say EXACTLY HOW HOW HOW I needed to say it – without drama, and without tears. Just with love and RELEASE……….on MY terms. It felt seriously fantastic.



  55.  #55Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    @Melanie – I want to specifically thank you as well. I used your “gift” metaphor with him and it FELT PERFECT. So – thank you. It really resonated with him too I think. So, thanks!



  56.  #56Melanie Murphy Myer on July 5, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    Elsie, I’m smiley and happy reading about this shift you are experiencing. 🙂

    Remember my first comment to you where I said I could see you were being gentle with yourself, but you didn’t feel like you were? Maybe you still feel that way, but I have to tell you that I really do see you loving yourself and being gentle with yourself. Sure, you “beat yourself up” to an extent, but overall, I see you keep coming back to honoring yourself and your heart and your unique path with compassion toward yourself. Maybe it’s just my perception . . . ? 🙂

    ~ Melanie



  57.  #57Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    @Melanie – Well, I was not gentle with myself, with him, or with the world last Friday, last weekend, this Wednesday. I felt VERY rejected and worked from that place, instead of REALLY FEELING and REALLY trying to understand him. And I do understand him, down to my toes now. I get everything he is saying. I can FEEL the anguish and stress and exhaustion in his life. I can viscerally feel it. I am now frankly surprised he had ANYTHING to give me for a year and a half. We will see how this goes, but you are 100% right – he gave me a gift, another one. As he always has. I do love him, and I honestly am not very sure we end up together, but I love him for who he is, truly for who he is and for everything he has given me.

    And I love myself for doing this all on my terms now here at the end. I feel grateful for his honesty. I feel my heart swell when I think of how PROUD and DIGNIFIED I handled today.

    I feel so good finally letting go.

    It was so much work to hold on. To control. To manage. To overthink. To overprocess. To try to figure out what to say and how to say it so that he would do what I wanted him to do.

    I feel light today. Light and dignity.



  58.  #58Melanie Murphy Myer on July 5, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    That’s beautiful, Elsie.



  59.  #59Zia on July 5, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Elise – good luck 🙂 remember we’re here for you! i wish i could say the journey from now will be sunshine and roses but it probably won’t. definitely get a notebook or a journal to do all your scribbling when the feelings come up, i found it REALLY helpful for me. used it a lot at the start then less and less and less.



  60.  #60Shanta on July 5, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    PLEASE HELP,
    Ive been reading comments and blogs but im still stuck. There’s this guy that I’ve been seeing that has been distant lately. I use the feeling messages and he responds but not with any real answers. Just I know or I try etc & that’s it. Honestly, I’m tired. I thought we were getting so close & then out of nowhere he went from contacting me everyday seeing each other regularly to almost not at all. His family and friends are always saying how crazy he is about me & I get along great with them. I care for him a lot but I’m tired of putting in & not feeling like I’m getting anything back. He has always been secretive as I call it but he says he shy. I disagree. His sister says he’s been hurt a lot & i should give him time. How much time does he need?

    Secondly, I’ve been on a dating site. Which is new & different for me. I’m not a paying member so I don’t get full access. Anyway, there’s a guy that has sent me msgs (that I can’t respond to because I’m not a paid member on that site) the last msg had his name and number asking me to txt or call him sometimes because he really liked my profile & would like to get to know me. I’m not sure if I should text him 1st and if I do what do I say? He’s one of the few that says hey I liked your profile I would like to get to know you better. It’s usually hey nice body call me, or hello ur very cute we should talk. A little advice on both situations, especially what to do about the online situation would be great!!!

    I forgot to mention that he only lives 45 minutes to an hour away therefore it wouldn’t really be a long distance thing. I’m Sorry for the long post also. I hope to hear from someone soon.



  61.  #61Zia on July 5, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Shanta – my only suggestion is to go on a free dating site instead of one where you can’t respond – safer and better to get to know someone a little before you give them personal contact details. Best to site – email – phone. Or pay for the one you’re already on 🙂



  62.  #62Femininewoman on July 5, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Shanta I would text to say thank you for the complements. About the shy guy let him figure it out. When he gets over himself he has your number and knows where to find you. You can’t put your life on hold till he gets over his shy.



  63.  #63Zara on July 5, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    ***** 566: Zia says:

    Zara: love your response to Elise’s letter.

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    I feel acknowledged and it feels good. Thank you.

    xxx



  64.  #64Emerson on July 5, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    Hi sirens I feel kinda needy wanting male attention… I got some today… Tomorrow will be a new day…
    I feel great about using so many feeling messages lately



  65.  #65Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    ***** 577: Millie says:

    565/566 very enlightening! I agree…

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    I feel connected and I like it. Thank you 🙂

    xxx



  66.  #66Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    ***** 580: Syreena says:

    Zara, I love the short to the point direct speech at the end. *****

    Thank you. I feel it not soft enough, still.

    xxx



  67.  #67Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    ***** 586: Femininewoman says:

    Zara that was a homerun. A hit that went straight out of the ballpark and right to the heart of the matter.

    Elsie might not get it. Many hours of precious life, many words trying to convince this man with no results. I feel sympathy because this is just another attempt at doing the same thing, the same way. Insane clinging on for dear life to something you never had.

    When a man who is truly available wants you, nothing can keep him away. Man say what we want to hear. We swallow it hook line and sinker. If only we would dare to understand and accept that men are not like women. They are different.

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    I feel gotten, thank you.
    I feel doubtful about men and women being different when it comes to addiction and denial. I believe it belongs to our common humanity.

    xxx



  68.  #68Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    ***** 592: Vi says:

    Zara I feel deeply thankful to you for writing 565 post

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 ****

    Wow, I feel moved, it feels good to be thanked.
    Thank you 🙂

    xxx



  69.  #69Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    **** 611: Veronica says:

    Zara – 565 – Wow, what a gift. *****

    My heart feels welcome, thank you. <3
    xxx



  70.  #70Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    ***** 624: sophie says:

    Zara – your post was so all round inspiring

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    I feel seen and understood, thank you 🙂

    xxx



  71.  #71Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    ***** 643: BeLoved says:

    zara – wow. Just wow. What I wouldn’t have given for a friend like you 10 years ago. I feel like something inside of me becomes crystal and prismatic when I read the way you break down what you read. thank you thank you yes yes more please

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    Aww thank you. Friendship is such a sweet word. I feel honoured and moved. I feel my intention for clarity was gotten. That feels safe.

    xxx



  72.  #72Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    ***** 660: CurvySiren10 says:

    I think she was spot on with it. *****

    I feel connected, thank you.

    xxx



  73.  #73Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    ***** 693: seahorse says:

    Zara- Your post to Elsie was so complete and CLEAR…………….. I feel so clear when I read your post. Thank you Zara. You are a ROCKSTAR babe!!!!!!

    OH!!! It’s clarity!!! Nailed it!!! Go Seahorse! Thank you Zara:)

    Thursday, 4 July 2013 *****

    You are are welcome 🙂
    I feel enthusiastic when I read your post and I feel thankful for your thank you. Go SeaHorse!

    xxx



  74.  #74janie baby on July 5, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    Shina (from the last post)
    “The only contact you do have with him is once he comes around again and is interested in sticking around — and it’s not just a “hey just wanted to see how you’re doing.””
    I always wonder how you know THIS time they are sticking around? for sure? without it being a slow process with others. What do you think?

    Erika Awakening:
    I am very intrigued by your posts. Would love to see your videos and learn more about your mindset. I noticed you talked about fireworks over the bay. Are you in SF? I am ! 🙂

    Elsie:
    Sounds like a great day!



  75.  #75Elsie on July 5, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    @janie baby – Thanks! It WAS a great day. 🙂 I woke up in the middle of the night because I have no gall bladder and ate WAYYYYYY too much at a BBQ last night. LOL!!! So my tummy is rumbly to put it nicely. LOL! 🙂

    Anyway – I just woke up and feel so at peace with everything. I just have not felt this way in so long.

    It feels good. 🙂



  76.  #76Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome”

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-cant-believe-they-dont-want-me-syndrome/

    ***** Countless women have shared stories with me of being involved with a guy who blew hot and cold, used them for sex, still had a wife or girlfriend, cheated on them, disappeared regularly, took their money, used them for a job, used them to gain access to their friends or to enhance their career, was disliked by all and sundry, or whatever the story is, and you know what?

    Every, single, last woman was still expressing disbelief that somebody who had behaved without love, care, trust, and respect and had shown themselves to be a poor relationship partner, didn’t want them.

    It’s almost like it doesn’t matter what sh*tty qualities these guys have – we want the validation.

    I too remember not being that into an ex and yet I stuck out the relationship on and off for two years. Why? Because aside from my ego not being able to take it and wanting to ‘prove’ myself to him and not having enough self-respect, I also suffered with “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome” also known more crudely as “Why The Eff Doesn’t This Loser Want Me!”

    This is the behaviours and mindset centred around the bewildered disbelief you experience when someone that you secretly or even openly acknowledge as being a poor choice for a relationship or ‘beneath you’, doesn’t want you. You’ll struggle to accept that the relationship is over and/or that they’ve moved on with someone else and at its worst, the rejection will cause you to feel trapped in your feelings and have you reacting to it and doing things that at their best are embarrassing and at their worst, humiliating.

    The confusion kicks in because in knowing that they’re not good enough for you and that you actually can and should do better, you wonder what is wrong with you that someone ‘like them’ doesn’t want you. You will also fall prey to “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome” if like a lot of people with dodgy love habits, you have a habit of being involved with people who you know don’t quite stack up because you think it will be easier for them to love you and that you are less likely to lose them or be rejected by them. If I had a pound for every woman who has ever emailed or commented expressing abject horror at the fact that her habitually emotionally unavailable guy or *ssclown doesn’t want her, I’d be a very rich woman. *****



  77.  #77Zara on July 5, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome

    ***** I’m a smart, educated, attractive, successful woman – why doesn’t he want to be with me? How could he choose her over me? Even if you do genuinely believe you have something more to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.

    Seeking validation is about getting confirmation that something is true and many people are caught in the trap of basing their lives around the cumbersome task of seeking validation instead of working on their own self-esteem and validating themselves within healthier partnerings.

    Not interested in the person that wants them, they want the person (no matter how lacking in character they are) to confirm their worthiness by wanting them.

    We really need to wise up, toughen up, smell the proverbial coffee and grow some backbone and self-respect.

    If you are experiencing “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome”, it’s time to have a little conversation with your ego because the fact that you want someone because you think it’s outrageous that they don’t want you and your ego can’t cope with it, is, aside from being outrageous, a signal that the relationship was doomed.

    People who have “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome” are reliant on feeling like they’re on a pedestal and in fact, have a bit of a superiority complex which in itself is disrespectful to anyone who they’re involved with.

    For the person on the receiving end of “I Can’t Believe They Don’t Want Me Syndrome”, they’re often wondering what the hell you see in them and it’s their own ego that had them chasing you or wanting to be with you in the first place. They might have thought they didn’t stand a cats hope in hell of being with you but from the moment you gave them the time of day, it became a black mark against you and they recognised that in you wanting to be with them, there was very likely something wrong with you. *****

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-cant-believe-they-dont-want-me-syndrome/

    xxx



  78.  #78Zara on July 6, 2013 at 12:01 am

    ***** You are not entitled to their love and you’re certainly not more entitled to it because they’re a ‘loser’ and you’re not, so surely they should want you.

    If you continue to pursue them instead of working your way through the loss and processing the ‘rejection’, you will alienate them because you’ll be like a disgruntled customer who just won’t take no for an answer and that is wholly unattractive and will cause you to lose your dignity and self-respect even if you don’t realise it initially.

    Make no mistake – if you become obsessed with the questions that your ego raises, you will watch everything in your life take a battering. I’ve seen people lose their family, friends, health, career, money and more because they’re too busy struggling with their ego.

    From the moment someone doesn’t want you, it’s time for you to start working on not wanting them and accepting that it’s over, whether it’s the relationship or the dream. If you habitually want people that don’t want you, you need to examine your own genuine capacity for a relationship, as you are hiding behind the illusions of being hijacked by your imagination and you’re only getting interested when you know they can’t/won’t reciprocate which is of course, a sign of your own emotional unavailability.

    The fact that someone doesn’t want you, is a red flag and makes you fundamentally incompatible which means it’s time to opt out, process the loss, and accept. If you focus on doing this, your ego will catch up with the rest of you. If you focus on obsessing about them not wanting you, the sense of rejection will just increase. You have to decide where you want to put your energies. *****



  79.  #79Zia on July 6, 2013 at 1:00 am

    Heading out again tonight, two nights in a row, woo! Going to try again to converse with 5 men I don’t know 🙂



  80.  #80Zara on July 6, 2013 at 1:42 am

    How Feeling Messages Work
    By Rori Raye Thursday, 29 January 2009

    Do you ever feel tempted beyond endurance to tell a man how you feel? Even when he’s not there, or he’s not interested, or he doesn’t care, or he hasn’t called you in weeks, or you’ve been broken up?

    And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?

    I remember this happening to me in ways that I don’t even want to remember. Humiliating things. A man I adored, who after he dumped me for another woman (he met her and flirted with her and connected with her right in front of my face, in the same restaurant booth we were all sitting in) – who offered to come over so I could “get it out at him”- who offered to let me hit him.

    I said “Yes,” he carefully took off his watch, first, and put it on the dining room table – correctly assuming I’d never want to hurt his WATCH by stomping on it, and then I started swinging.

    When he left I felt horrible. I felt like I’d been a puppet, doing something that LOOKED like it was for “me” and getting my feelings out and all that…but actually was for HIM – to make him feel better, to absolve HIM from his pain at dumping me (and “using” me as a “friend with benefits” for the year-and-a-half before), to close things out for HIM.

    So what can you learn from my humiliation? Simply – talking to a man about your feelings when there is NO RELATIONSHIP – is all about HIM, not about YOU. You CANNOT feel better by being “honest” and “Open about your feelings” when you have an AGENDA.

    My agenda for this man was, still – and this is beyond belief – SEE him, BE with him, demonstrate to him what a powerful woman I was (hah), and my hugest issue, to PROVE that I actually had the guts to be angry. Truly – I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could be angry, that I could DEAL with him. And – perhaps get him back.

    You don’t have to do any of that. In fact – I FORBID you to do any of that.

    Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence. You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

    Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.

    DON’T FALL FOR IT!

    So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.

    Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.

    Love, Rori



  81.  #81Zara on July 6, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Do You Have To Use The “Feel” Word?
    Monday, 28 February 2011

    I’ve been asked wonderful questions by women in my teleclass support group this session – here’s one I wanted to answer:

    “Rori, Can’t you make feeling statements without saying “I feel…”? I feel like saying it so much is redundant and awkward. Aren’t there other ways to make feelings statements without using those words?”

    The answer is – No.

    A “Feeling Statement” is exactly what it is – a “Feeling Statement” – capitalized because it’s a “Rori Raye Tool.”

    The word “feel” here IS the tool. (The full explanation and guide for exactly how to do a Feeling Statement is in my ebook…) For now – the tool is the word “Feel.” All by itself, it’s the tool.

    Speaking the words “I feel” effects your inner workings, your mind, your body, your heart. And it effects a man – his inner workings, his mind, his body, his heart. It’s just a word that – luckily for us – has this profound effect out there in the world.

    After a lifetime of being told and believing that emotions are not good to show, and that we must tamp them down and stuff them down and avoid them at all costs and strive for being “reasonable” and “efficient” and “competent” and “accomplished,” it turns out that emotions are what make us human.

    They’re your “ace-in-the-hole.” Emotions are the “stuff” of us that make you more woman and less man – without diminishing your abilities, the sharpness of your thought, or your ability to succeed – even “kick *ss” if you want – out there in the world.

    Emotions fuel you, they heal you, and your emotions move OTHERS.

    Meaning – the quality of your emotion, and the way in which you express your emotions is directly how you get more love in your life.

    The trick for us is to get so “aware” of our emotions – the patterns of them, what triggers them, how they morph and change and and shift, and how it feels to not so much “manage” them as “feel” them.

    And as that awareness grows – so does your faith in yourself. In other words – your self-esteem and self-respect can grow powerfully as you become aware of, accept, love and express your emotions on deeper and deeper levels.

    When you speak the word “feel” and use it as a channel to express what you feel – you’re working on “all burners.”

    You’re:
    1. Becoming aware of what you feel
    2. Putting words to what you feel
    3. Expressing what you feel in a way that involves no one but you – and so is totally, 100% safety-making, self-trusting, world and man-trusting, self, world and man honoring…and profoundly moving in the classical, artistic sense.
    The faster you practice it in this structured way, the faster you learn how to do it brilliantly, and the faster you’re able to connect heart-to-heart with any man you choose.

    Love, Rori



  82.  #82Vi on July 6, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Okay – I felt resistance and tension in my knees and I felt tempted to hold back today when a girl in the wax center decided to do a small cheating in her computer so I could get a pass with a bigger discount, and then – when a guy in the shop wanted to know exactly what pieces of fish I liked most so he could get them to me .. refusing to settle for smth I didn’t feel 100 % happy about.. but I did it 🙂



  83.  #83Veronica on July 6, 2013 at 4:37 am

    I don’t quite know where this feeling came from but it feels really good. It’s something along the lines of ‘there is a whole world out there and I can explore it’ – but I want to explore that feeling itself a little more. It’s rather a freedom than any particular place, I keep feeling open as in I could really go anywhere right now and just be…yes something like that. I need to feel it more before putting it into words.



  84.  #84Luzydel on July 6, 2013 at 4:39 am


  85.  #85Vi on July 6, 2013 at 4:46 am

    and I feel guilty to go for the best and I feel guilty not to – then it feels like I’m rejecting what Life offers me and it feels sad.. I love my sadness. I love both my ‘guilt’s.. sending it my love doesn’t feel authentic though .. and also – I feel the energy of my willingness and intention to make it work one day… maybe .. maybe not.. I will be okay anyway.. hehe .. it feels like clouds are melting away…



  86.  #86Femininewoman on July 6, 2013 at 5:42 am

    “I always wonder how you know THIS time they are sticking around? for sure? without it being a slow process with others. What do you think?”

    The words they use and the behavior they choose will erase all your doubts. You will feel their intention. I remember one particular case but by then I was turned off and bored. I wondered why he was so desperate and what was wrong with him. He was so resistant in the past that I became suspicious, my fear of intimacy kicked in. It felt like he was running away from something because it now seemed he was working in overdrive to make sure he didn’t lose me. He told me outright he would never be happy until he had me.



  87.  #87BeLoved on July 6, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Noticing this morning something that feels good..
    T called me when he took a break from programming – he really wanted a BREAK from the cerebral programming all up in his head experience and wanted to FEEL something good and different from that.
    It feels like such a huge relief to realize I don’t have to compete with his intelligence, it isn’t want he feels attracted to about me, it really is, and always has been, about the way I make him feel.

    I learned to curb my “people-pleasing” a bit, resist his desire to turn that into a romantic/business/programming partnership and be strong and just be ME.
    I feel solid.
    I feel grounded.
    I feel good about myself.
    And yes, I feel yummm, haha.
    Totally yum.



  88.  #88Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Life is soooo good this morning.

    In the end, I LOVE that I followed MY truth.

    I was thinking that many sirens on here were very opinionated (in a good way!) about my situation, but were on total opposite ends with each other.

    Talk with him – Dont talk with him.
    Go to the lunch – Dont go to the lunch
    Stay in contact – Do no contact.

    You were all very passionate about how you felt and the positions you had.

    I think at the end of the day, it was a FANTASTIC learning experience, because I realized that if all of you were in my situation you would all handle it differently according to each one of us. There is no one size fits all – one “rule” fits all – not even Rori’s.

    We have to take these tools to make us better for OURSELVES. Sometimes they will work for us – and sometimes they need to be modified.

    I wanted to thank everyone again for the time and energy they put into this.

    It TRULY helped me find MY truth. Even if what my decisions were would not have been what you did – you still helped me on my journey.

    I feel very at peace now because I was authentic and genuine to MYSELF.

    GS loves me. I love him. But in the end it may not be enough. Only time will tell. In the meantime I’ll be off living my life. It may end up that when he is ready, I have already found someone else……or not.

    I just know this one thing to be 100% true.

    I am exactly where I am supposed to be.



  89.  #89Femininewoman on July 6, 2013 at 6:13 am

    If you find yourself saying either “I can’t” or “I don’t
    know,” stop yourself and try rephrasing what you’ve
    just said.

    So for example, if you catch yourself saying “I can’t
    make it to the gym today because I’m too busy,”
    reframe that statement by saying instead:

    “I’m really looking forward to giving it my all at the
    gym tomorrow!”

    If you find yourself saying “I don’t know,” consider
    reframing that into “I don’t have the answer right
    now but I will ask someone or do some research
    and find out.”

    Your words are immensely powerful, so use your
    language to manifest that which you wish to create!

    To your personal power,

    Natalie Ledwell



  90.  #90Vi on July 6, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Hey Zara your reply put a smile on my face 🙂



  91.  #91Vi on July 6, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Thanks for the link, Luzydel. The article stirred up in me so many different feelings…



  92.  #92Vi on July 6, 2013 at 7:01 am

    I love my healing



  93.  #93Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 7:30 am

    (((Elsie)))



  94.  #94CurvySiren10 on July 6, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Shina~~ Just wanted to comment on the posts you wrote at the end of the last thread. WOW! You’ve really got a great handle on this stuff. I’m impressed with your insight and I agree with almost everything you wrote. Your experience was somewhat similar to my own. I hope the sirens here who are struggling will read and absorb what you wrote!! xo



  95.  #95Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Shanta 60

    Regarding the guy who gave you his number on the dating site… no, I wouldn’t text him first. If only because you’ll be setting up a rather worrying pattern of a) texting, and b) initiating contact.

    Could you not get a subscription which would enable you to reply with something flirty?



  96.  #96Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 7:38 am

    @Indigo – Thanks for the hugs!!!! I know you are on a difficult journey right now. When do you get home from Ireland?

    I had a moment, literally a moment, where I thought….”I dont want to be friends” LOL – just like that line from the Lady Gaga song. But then I cracked up and thought, no, that is exactly what I want to be right now with him. No more. I want to be with someone who is READY and HEALTHY and AVAILABLE to be with me. He knew he could only give me crumbs right now because that is all he has. He knows I dont deserve that. I know I dont deserve that.

    (He can now go to the proverbial grocery store, get all the ingredients, and take some time. He will either bake me something beautiful or he wont. But we all know that crumbs dont fill you up. I want a cake!!! Preferably chocolate. LOL.)



  97.  #97Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Elsie, like you, I have found things have got much easier recently. I would not even say they feel difficult for me right now 🙂

    I will speak to him in a few days, and I am happy within me whatever happens 🙂

    I leave for home on Monday, and I am so looking forward to being home. Yet, this place has awoken things in my heart and given them wings, that only Ireland could have done, that I feel somewhat homesick for it already.

    Long may your good revelations continue 🙂



  98.  #98Femininewoman on July 6, 2013 at 8:02 am

    RE 95 Indigo what if Shanta can’t afford the subscription or does not want to invest money in it right now?

    Shanta I suspect the guys knows you are not a paying member because of how your profile looks? I would give him the benefit of the doubt and find a way to tell him via text that you prefer the man to lead the communicating but you are choosing to text him first because you can’t put your digits on the site. Whatever your truth is. Things might not got anywhere but at least you would get an opportunity to practice telling your truth and seeing if you can do anything wrong with the right man.



  99.  #99Daria on July 6, 2013 at 9:00 am

    ok so my mind comes up with all these witty things to say or ways to tell him off

    im writing them down

    i feel glad i didnt send any of them at first

    i see now its a defense mechanism



  100.  #100Daria on July 6, 2013 at 9:12 am

    men are coming out of the woodwork!



  101.  #101Miss Bells on July 6, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I’m good with the girlfriend thing for now. But it is a matter of life-stage. I agree with Rori about the really young. And for me (57 in less than two weeks) being a girlfriend actually works.
    Things have been good with HS. Those of you who have been here awhile might remember how miserable things were last summer with the incursion of Trailer Girl.
    This year has been the opposite. He invited me for a weekend away at Valentine’s day. We went camping in May and then to some friends for a birthday party. We will be throwing our annual bash and then heading to Denver for a week in August. First time flying together.
    And in between, things have settled down. I come up weekends starting Thursday or Friday and ending Monday or Tuesday. I am paying a pretty large rent somewhere else, but I don’t care as long as I only pay once. It is a psychological thing… And–he met my sister. I am not exactly close to my sisters. but I am working on that with a couple of them. He insisted we stay at his house because there is a guest room. More comfortable.
    Right now he has been in Europe for almost three weeks. He is coming back Tuesday. I have been up at the house the whole time, taking care of our cat. Then it is my birthday. A dark day last year, but I expect this one will be much better.
    Yep–being a GF is alright for now.



  102.  #102BeLoved on July 6, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Miss Bells – I was just wondering about you recently!
    It feels good to hear things have settled for you – sounds like you found something that works for you both.

    Big hugs to you!



  103.  #103Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 11:01 am

    College CD texted me this morning and we have been chatting. He has asked many questions about my life situation (divorce, etc.) that didnt get covered in our lunch date, that he obviously wanted to know more about me.

    Then he asked if I had any questions for him.

    I told him that frankly, I never really understood how black holes work. LOL. But that I do have a lot of questions for him, and feel really curious for the answers, but it would feel more comfy for me to ask those in person.

    He answered back with “we will have to find a time soon to get together then….and I can also explain black holes to you then.”

    So funny. But also, I didnt feel comfortable asking those kinds of questions that are serious about life and circumstances over text, so I held my ground and wow it felt good. 🙂

    Feelin’ good people, feelin’ good. 🙂



  104.  #104BeLoved on July 6, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I feel like the darkest of clouds is parting..

    Warning: non-explicit, taboo content –

    Mercedes especially you probably wouldn’t want to read this..

    (((I could actually make a tiny little joke to myself about my baby’s death.
    Hey, he was MY baby, I can find some dark humor in it if if I want.
    I didn’t go all Howard Stern or Stephen Lynch on it, but it was a giggle.
    Makes me want to tap on it some more…
    24 years of soul-gnawing grief and sorrow is probably long enough to grieve over a baby that only lived for a few minutes, I don’t have to carry that pain forever.

    haha even my own throat chokes up at the idea – SACRILEGE!
    Yeah, I think this is really ready to let loose here.
    Yum.
    Feeling a big sigh
    I don’t have to grieve forever. I’m not obligated to hurt over this my whole life.
    Letting myself off the hook…bubbling cryinglaughing 🙂
    yum yum



  105.  #105Dominique on July 6, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Blue Eyed Girl – 23 – This feels amazing to read. Yay you!!!

    Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    xxoo



  106.  #106Mercedes on July 6, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Living my Yoga today. From the Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga:

    “Right now, take a deep breath in and hold it. Feel the increasing discomfort that builds as you resist the natural impulse to let it go. When it becomes too uncomfortable, release your breath and notice the immediate relief that you feel. Holding onto anything when it is time to let go creates distress in your body and mind. Now take a breath then fully empty your lungs, and hold your breath. Become aware of the increasing discomfort that develops when you resist something from entering your life that you are meant to accept. Notice the relief that you feel as you take your next breath.

    “When people engage in emotionally powerful relationships, they often ingest more emotional energy and information than they are capable of digesting. To maintain a healthy emotional life, we must all selectively absorb those aspects of the emotional experience that are nourishing, while releasing and eliminating those components that, if retained, could be toxic.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  107.  #107BeLoved on July 6, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I feel so grateful for my friends with twisted humor that show me the way out…this exchange triggered this line of thought:

    B: Hey, are you wearing pants? I wanted to stop by and get a hug. (inside joke – friend has severe disease that makes it hard for him to even get dressed, so he doesn’t when he doesn’t have to)

    BT: Topless hug?

    B: Yes, you can be topless of you want, but you have to be wearing pants. Boundaries, ya know.

    BT: Aww come on, you know I meant YOU. Did I mention my mom just DIED? (she did) It’s for her, in her memory. Mom would want it that way.

    B: I don’t know whether to laugh or to block your number

    BT: Laugh. Laugh loud and laugh hard.
    ~~



  108.  #108Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 11:38 am

    @Mercedes – Brilliant and VERY timely for me. Very very perfect. Thank you for posting it. 🙂



  109.  #109Melanie Murphy Myer on July 6, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Zara,

    Thanks for reposting “How Feeling Messages Work”! That is an excellent post with some really good reminders and clarifications. I located the original post and shared the link in two private support groups on Facebook. Thanks so much!

    ~ Melanie



  110.  #110Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Mercedes 106

    I LOVE this.

    And amazingly, I was just journalling about this last night. I don’t often journal, but last night I was moved to, so this is particularly amazing.

    About how we have to filter what comes in from our significant relationships, that we really, really don’t have to allow the unhealthy stuff to come in, but can choose to be nourished by the good stuff. Love it!



  111.  #111Liquid Light on July 6, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Indigo – have a safe trip back!



  112.  #112Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    D just messaged me to ask if I was back yet.

    No, not for a few days still…

    Just noticing here.

    I felt so good in myself today, so totally involved in myself, loving the sunshine, loving the energetic vibe here, loving the sights and the experiences, of which there were many.

    Sigh. Good sigh 🙂



  113.  #113Indigo on July 6, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Thank you Liquid Light! x



  114.  #114Shanta on July 6, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    @Indigo Thank you for responding. I don’t want to get a subscription at this time. I actually wanted to get a feel for the site & the guys on there. Also, I’m not sure too many people actually pay because I get so many messages with numbers saying to call or text and saying where they’re from, how they look, how they think I look etc. The 1st message is free to see from one person. If you’re not a subscriber, you have to buy coins to read replies. It can get expensive.

    @Femininewoman: Thank you for the advice. I have never been one to initiate nor lead. I feel that is part of the reason why things are the way they are with guy 1. He will text me everyday but he seldom calls & I wouldn’t mind that but he always tells me to call him. If i dont call him he wint call me. I’ve told him that I like for him to lead the communications and that it makes me feel good when calls, but he still texts… Everyday. Usually when he wakes up. He’s a fireman for one & I never know when is a good time to call him bc he works 24hr shifts & if he texts me then I don’t see a reason for me to call. Is that wrong?



  115.  #115Angel on July 6, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    It feels as if I had such a setback today. I was feeling really sad and angry over an incident and I even had twenty minutes to myself where I could practice “feeling my feelings” and even write a script. I felt horrible but I also felt happy because I wasn’t stuffing anything. But then the second the person stepped inside the door, it was like a switch went on inside my head, immediate stuffing. I couldn’t even feel my anger and sadness anymore, I just felt tired and wanted to get out of there. Expressing the anger I didn’t feel anymore felt really unauthentic, and I guess I paniced and continued as if everything was alright for me. I think back to other times, and I do this a lot. Stuffing to avoid any kind of conflict because I feel scared. How do I fight an automatic shut down of my feelings? Seems hopeless.



  116.  #116Sassy on July 6, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Melanie @51,

    Thank you for your response to my post. It is an ex, a very toxic ex at that.
    I am going to try to feel my way through this. It’s been a long, painful, dramatic experience. I feel grateful for the lessons I have learned.

    @Zara, thank you for the posts from baggage reclaim. I love that site along with this one and Dominique’s.



  117.  #117Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    It feels weird not wanting to do anything. I don’t feel like making contact, I don’t feel like working hard. I feel floaty. I feel curious what will happen if I just float and do nothing.

    One of the people who does work for me melted down. I used to get triggered by it, now I just feel floaty and uninterested in coaching him without getting paid. I don’t feel triggered, I feel detached and peaceful.



  118.  #118Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Money comes in anyway, that feels good. A bogus chargeback reversed yesterday in my favor, a new Gold member, woke up to a coaching payment that came in while I was asleep. My “logical” mind feels skeptical and wouldn’t it be nice if I could go totally feminine on my biz model with even less effort and have the money still coming in … I wonder what other assistance I could magnetize so I don’t need to do the tech stuff anymore …



  119.  #119Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Analyzing men feels like hard work … I don’t feel like working hard … does anyone else feel this way?



  120.  #120elsie on July 6, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Sitting poolside getting my tan on. Life is good today 🙂



  121.  #121Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Sitting poolside feels good, Elsie … the sun came out here in San Francisco, and it feels so pretty … I don’t feel like doing anything except lying in bed and tapping along to videos 🙂 Getting upset takes too much energy …



  122.  #122Melanie Murphy Myer on July 6, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Sassy,

    I recently wrote an article that might help you in your situation. If you’re interested, you can click on my name/photo to go to my blog, and then look in the left-hand sidebar for the list of articles. It’s called “The Unmarked Heart: A Tool For Moving On After A Breakup.” Hope it helps!

    ~ Melanie



  123.  #123BeLoved on July 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Erika I love your miracle video on your site – you are so beautiful! I love the sound of your voice and the way you speak, and I feel mesmerized by your eyes…:)

    xoxo



  124.  #124Mercedes on July 6, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Thank you Elsie and Indigo. I like it too. 🙂 Elsie: I’m happy you are feeling good today.

    Today has been just…I don’t know…perfect…perfect…

    I spent just a minute dreading work on Monday. I’m ready for a vacation and to focus on my new business…there’s so much work to do. But…then I remembered that J and I have a date night on Monday at this amazing authentic Italian restaurant we love. (The owner invited us to go to Italy with him and some friends next summer to meet his family and stay at his uncle’s house. Hopefully that works out…it’s all about food and wine tasting with this group…sooooo exciting if we make it happen!). Anyway…now even Monday doesn’t seem so bad… 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  125.  #125Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    @Mercedes – you should totally feel good about yourself right now. You really really helped me in my life. Really. Thank you SO much. Really. You built up some karma haha! 🙂

    Your date on Monday sounds fabulous!!!

    I have been texting back and forth with College CD all day. He has initiated EVERYTHING except the one text I sent that said “Sitting poolside :)”

    I am waiting for him to ask me out. Man, my initial reaction is to do what I’ve always done and start rowing the boat – giving my schedule, etc.

    And then……I just LEEEEEANNNNN back. Leaning back in the boat. Sun hitting my face. Enjoying the quiet, the silence, the sun.

    You couldnt get me to touch those oars for anything.

    It feels SO GOOD to just let go.

    If someone wants me to go somewhere, they are going to have to row this boat. I’m getting my tan on. 🙂



  126.  #126Sassy on July 6, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Melanie @122,

    Thank you. That article on your blog helped. The visualisation using the paper hearts got me to release some tears and feel some pain.

    I also want to express my deepest sympathy to you in the loss of your daughter. I know you feel blessed that G0d gifted you with her for as long as He did.

    Thank you for pointing me to your blog.



  127.  #127Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Ahhh, BeLoved, thank you … that felt so good to hear a huge smile has come across my face 🙂

    Italian food and wine tasting sounds … mmmmmm

    Italy sounds … mmmmm



  128.  #128Millie on July 6, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I’ve noticed that I get a little caught up in my negative feelings. When I feel frustrated with my love life, I let it get to me….even a few days after I last posted my frustrations, I feel the tables have turned around for me. I got caught up in a “down” moment unnecessarily. I must remember that moments are moments, moments don’t define “always” or even the truth of “right now.”

    I feel amazing today! Tired, but amazing! I’ve been out every day/night this week, having the best time with my friends, went on a camping trip and felt so at one with nature. Also had an amazing Fourth of July where I met all these new people and loved myself in their presence! All in all-a great week!

    I have a date tmrw with DanceMan (that’s what I’m calling him). I’m excited, he planned going to a museum and dinner at a vegetarian restaurant, since he knows I am one. (thoughtful) He also wants to have time to walk around and get to know me better. Well, who can argue with that?! I don’t feel attracted to him, but I feel good accepting this energy. Musician also wished me a happy fourth and mentioned getting together this week, so I’m happy about that! (ooh sex-capade.) Staying in tonight and relaxing. My new mantra is being “Happy and relaxed and unattached to outcome.”



  129.  #129Erika Awakening on July 6, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Today I’ve said no to this guy’s meltdown, no to rates that are too low for my cabin, and no to a potential client who wanted to pay me only half up front with no clear agreement about a payment plan … it feels really good to know my values and boundaries.

    No, I won’t deal with other people’s meltdowns unless they are paying me for coaching. No, I won’t subsidize people staying there with rates that are way too low. No, I won’t spend even one minute of my time chasing down a client who already got the service and hasn’t made the payment. Ah, that feels good. … Universe please send me something better 😉



  130.  #130Millie on July 6, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    @Shanta-60

    About your guy- My take is–If it doesn’t feel good to be giving more than you are getting-then stop. Giving more than you are receiving is rowing the relationship boat. Drop the oars, let him row. If he wants to sit out in the middle of the lake, let him. That is great that you are communicating with feeling messages, but save them for when he does initiate contact. You mention him responding to you…..so it sounds like you are using your feeling message to initiate contact, which defeats the purpose. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter what his friends and family say, you are dating him, not them. However if his sister says give him time, I would interpret that as- lean back and go date other people, he will come reappear when he is ready.

    About online dating–I agree with Zia, for the future I would use a free dating site where you can message people rather than one where you can’t receive the full benefits and is putting you in a position to initiate. If you want to send this man your number or email, it’s up to you at this point and what you feel comfortable with. I don’t think texting him your number would send the wrong vibe, it still puts the ball in his court, so it depends how you feel about it.



  131.  #131Shanta on July 6, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Zia- it is suppose to be a free dating site. You can sign up and see who is interested and then when you make contact or try to see what else the other person has said they ask you to buy coins to use to see the messages. That sucks!

    Millie- I want to thank you for your advice. It was clear and I understood it completely. I can honestly say that of all the messages and chat requests that I have received I actually felt something from him and I’m not sure why. I didn’t know how to go about responding to him because it was online. I feel that I would be ok texting him to let him know who I am and let him know my number. Can I basically just say that the ball is in his court?

    As for the other guy “mr fireman” he txtd me yesterday. I hadn’t heard from him in 3 or 4 days. Long story short I told him I was feeling sleepy. He said it was nice talking to me and that he would talk to me tomorrow. I said ok and he said sweet Dreams. I’m not txtn him nor calling today bc he said he would talk to me tomorrow. That means that Its on him. His sister is getting married today so i know he’s there. She invited me because we are assiciates but I didn’t go because I did not feel up to seeing him. I decided to get my hair done and do some shopping instead to make me happy and take my mind off of not being there.



  132.  #132Mercedes on July 6, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Haha! Elsie…I’m happy I could be there for you but you did this all on your own…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  133.  #133Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Ok. Heres a question.
    To be clear, this hasnt happened, I’m just sort of thinking about it ahead of time, because its all so new to me.

    If a guy asks you out on a date, and he lives literally on the other side of a city (about 35-40 minutes away) … and he asks you to meet him somewhere….do you meet him? Does a guy HAVE to pick you up? Can I meet him somewhere? What are the rules anyway? LOL.



  134.  #134Liquid Light on July 6, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Elsie: Personally, I *prefer* if he meets me somewhere, that way I know there’s no chance of him coming up to my place 😉



  135.  #135Millie on July 6, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    I dont mind meeting a guy somewhere if it works for both of us, especially on like the first or second date. I don’t feel comfortable letting every man I date know where I live, but that’s just me…I also don’t like going out very much in the town I live in, so I tend to drive elsewhere anyway…



  136.  #136Liquid Light on July 6, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Anyone have any recommendations for good movies/shows to watch on Netflix (streaming)?…another night alone, sigh.



  137.  #137Liquid Light on July 6, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Has anyone seen Kissing Jessica Stein or Take Me Home?



  138.  #138Elsie on July 6, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    Millie – Well this is a person who I’ve known for 20 years since college, so I dont mind if he knows where I live….LOL.

    Liquid Light – haha – interesting. I hadnt even thought of that. I am totally not ready for anything like that with anyone…..



  139.  #139Zia on July 6, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    oh dear. i drunk texted my ex last night. it’s the first time i’ve done it in four months so i’m giving myself a free pass. he STILL thinks that i cheated on him…. i think i just wanted to be sure and/or find out if he had realised the truth or not. so it pretty much gave me the confirmation i need that i don’t want him in my life anymore!

    didn’t talk to anyone at the bar after dinner, was waaaaay too drunken. it was fun, but i’m glad i don’t do this often anymore. was the first boozy night out in four months which i’m pretty proud of… my old way of dealing with a break up was to get as drunk as possible and forget about the world till the pain went away.



  140.  #140Zia on July 6, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Elise – I’d meet in the middle… but that’s just me.



  141.  #141Vi on July 6, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    The ‘get down on your knees and feel it’ helps me to go through my pms sadness. My body feels supported and loved and more and more accepted. Awww I love my pms sadness.



  142.  #142Vi on July 6, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    *giggle* it it goes as usual tomorrow I should feel my pms anger.. Okay I have time to think maybe I could channel it somewhere… Is there anything I would like to fuel..?



  143.  #143Femininewoman on July 6, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Angel your noticing it is building your awareness. I would say gently choose something else in small steps. No need for fighting.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on July 6, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Shanta I would experiment with calls here and there, especially if he asks you to call. See how it feels when you do then share that. If he wants you to call all the time and that doesn’t feel good then maybe you might not be a match?



  145.  #145Vi on July 6, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Maybe I could ask my anger to help me deal with my fear of riding a bike.. I haven’t done it for years ’cause of some related trauma feelings.. But I miss riding it..I feel stupid now.. I can’t feel ‘stupid’ it’s just beating up.. Okay.. I am sending love , a huge Valentine to whatever is going inside my heart now..



  146.  #146Vi on July 6, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Hey I feel a bit cheered up now. Attending to my little scattered feelings feels good , I even notice a sign of a smile on my lips.. Aww fuzzy fluffy warm Valentine to me..



  147.  #147Luzydel on July 6, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Practicing Acceptance helps with putting down my walls a little. I am practicing with family and accepting them for who they are, spent time with mom and sister on my trip to FL and I just realized that that’s who they are and I stopped resisting and we enjoyed each other. Today I spent time with my son and niece and nephew and practice being generous with them.

    I am liking the person that is coming out of me!



  148.  #148Luzydel on July 6, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Tomorrow I will practice more, since I am going to meet with some friends… I want to let that inner me talk more.



  149.  #149Shanta on July 6, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Femininewoman: I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my posts and sharing your knowledge with me. I am ok with texting I don’t really like talking on the phone. I never have. I prefer to text or speak in person. I’m not sure why that is. When I would call regularly, he would seldom answer & would end up calling me back. But the thing I don’t get it that he use to call almost every night before he went to bed & sometimes during the day & then he suddenly stopped. It seems like he only txts when I initiate contact as of lately. He says hes excited to hear from me. I exoksined ti him that i didn’t feel comfortable texting him 1st lately & that i remembered when he use to text or call me everyday. He i know. And then about an hour later he said I do contact u. I told him that he does but not like he use to & he said im sorry i know. I didn’t text anything else & he hadn’t contacted me for 4 days, until yesterday. Should I call him or text him although he did not contact me today and he said that he would? Someone said that I should let him contact me. I feel that I shouldn’t.
    Again, thank you!



  150.  #150Veronica on July 6, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Indigo – 41 – Thank you I feel much calmed down by what you’ve written.



  151.  #151Melanie Murphy Myer on July 6, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Sassy,

    Thank you for your kind words about my daughter. I miss her SO much.

    It does my heart good to know the hearts visualization helped you. <3

    ~ Melanie



  152.  #152Corin on July 6, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    Hi there Sirens,

    I used to post here a couple of years ago but I moved on as my relationship was going well. Now we are in a toxic, stalled, angry,victim place and so I’m seeking some solace here to try to keep the focus on me.

    I’m feeling so scared, terrified of being on my own and the humiliation of having failed again. I’m hanging on to try to escape that pain but it just causes more pain.

    I blame myself, he blames me, we get caught in this whole victim- persecutor cycle and I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel so helpless and stuck and scared, terrified. I feel full of self loathing. Even though Its not really all my fault I blame myself for allowing the dynamic where it becomes all about blaming me. I blame myself for blaming myself. I guess I’m full of hatred for myself and so stopping all love.

    I feel unworthy of a happy, committed relationship. I feel so embarrassed at the thought of being single again. 32 years old, still single, still not on the property market, still not achieving what I think I should have achieved. Still not good enough. Never good enough however hard I try. I know I should stop trying and let go and take care of myself but I feel so scared to do that.

    To CD today I will go to yoga class this morning and then go to a live music event with my brother this afternoon. I will practice leaning back and stating my feelings with my brother. I will try to find a place of compassion for myself where I can look in the mirror and tell my frightened little girl that I love her so ,uh and she is always good enough.



  153.  #153Corin on July 6, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    I release being right, I release proving to him that it is all about his issues. I can know that I am not to blame without making him wrong. There is a third way. I open myself up to finding that third way. I feel a little excited and curious as well as terrified. I feel a little warmth and lightness releasing in my chest and abdomen.



  154.  #154Corin on July 6, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    I cannot control him and how he thinks, feels, behaves. I can only love myself. I want to love the fear and pain that comes up when I realise I cannot control him and that means he could leave me at any moment and blame me in any way he chooses, no matter what I do or say.

    I want to open up and release trying to control. I don’t know how to do that but I will trust that feeling my feelings without judgement and keeping the focus on me will help with that. I feel some resistance to trusting that feeling my feelings will help. Honestly I do not trust that it will help. I feel resistance to trust. I feel so scared. I just don’t know.



  155.  #155Zia on July 7, 2013 at 12:29 am

    I’m feeling strangely calm today. I think it’s because there was a part of me that was still hoping to get back with my ex (and if I’m completely honest, it would be the lonely part of me and that’s all). So to hear that he still thinks what he does, after all this time, is a good confirmation for me moving on with all of my heart.



  156.  #156Zia on July 7, 2013 at 12:32 am

    Corin – much love to you! I just turned 33, and am a few months out of a relationship with a guy i thought was “the one!”. I’d rather be single and giving myself the love and care I deserve, than with someone who is unable to love me for who I am. And early 30s is still so young, compared to the ages of many ladies in some of the other forums I am on. You’ll get through it. If you’ve been here before, then you know all Rori’s stuff already, so you know what to do xo



  157.  #157Zia on July 7, 2013 at 12:33 am

    Corin – much love to you! I’m 33 and a few months single again. I’d much rather be single and giving me the love and care I deserve, than with someone who is unable to love me for who I am. And since you’ve been here before, you know all Rori’s stuff. It will work out 🙂



  158.  #158Heart on July 7, 2013 at 12:51 am

    hungry….feeling Snackish.
    Glad many Sirens are feeling good.

    Beloved – ((((((((Hug))))))))



  159.  #159Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 1:15 am

    Sirens,

    How do you deal with low self esteem ?

    I went to a friends annual party yesterday. I seethe same group of people there every year and I am always polite and friendly with them yet the majority of them ignore me like I am not there.

    How do you deal with this? It’s really upsetting me because it is knocking my confidence. Some people were actually damn right rude to me, and I ended up feeling like there was something wrong with me. I felt like the one that didn’t fit in?! Lol… I don’t get it??



  160.  #160Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 1:21 am

    … I am so sick of feeling like I don’t fit in ???



  161.  #161Heart on July 7, 2013 at 1:39 am

    Rebecca – just don’t go there again.



  162.  #162sophie on July 7, 2013 at 2:18 am

    157 – I agree with Heart – I would start seeking out the places that feel good to me; finding people who affirm and support me; people with the same interests; doing things I feel passionate about with others who do too – I would stay away as much as possible from places where I didn’t feely happy; that would help my self confidence



  163.  #163Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 2:43 am

    Sophie, Heart,

    Thank you!

    It’s this age old problem I have of being sociable. Does that make sense?

    I feel like if I don’t go to a social event then I am being ‘boring’. I am the boring one.

    Last night was a classic case of that. All I kept thinking was I wished I was at home away from all the crowds. It was driving me up the wall.

    I always feel like the ugly duckling in those situations and that I am stood watching all the glamourous people enjoying their lives.

    I felt nothing but envy and anger because people were just avoiding me like I wasn’t there. Why are people so cruel??

    I am a really friendly person who talks to everyone…



  164.  #164sophie on July 7, 2013 at 2:52 am

    I honour myself these days if I don’t want to go I don’t go x what people think is what they think and those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind 🙂 x I would find the things that I find interesting and not boring and do that x And I would find the things that fill me up so good that I feel like the glamourous person in my own life x maybe they’re just not a good fit for you? x



  165.  #165Heart on July 7, 2013 at 3:07 am

    Zia – why does he think you cheated on him?



  166.  #166Femininewoman on July 7, 2013 at 3:45 am

    Shanta that post sound like keeping score. I would let him be and just repond when he contacts me. He obviously has a life and is not sitting around with the phone in his hand all the time. I would mirror what he does and cdate so you don’t feel like you are waiting around for him. When he contacts you let him know how it feels to hear from him.



  167.  #167Sirenity on July 7, 2013 at 4:18 am

    I like this post and would like to speak as a mother of sons. I have taught my boys to respect womens feelings and their natural tendencies to bond easily and intensely at an emotional level.

    They have begun to learn about love from the ones who become their girlfriends and to truly treat each relationship as something precious to enjoy and learn from..so far so good. They have both had a long term GF each . The older one has dated a lot at college and now has a serious GF who he talks about long term with, while the younger is about to enjoy the same after years with a high school sweetheart.

    They have been great boyfriends , thoughtful and kind and they understand and respect these young women’s hearts.



  168.  #168Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Rebecca,

    You may well be introverted, highly sensitive or not well-suited to those sorts of gatherings. And that is OK. More than ok actually.

    I agree with sophie and Heart, the first step is to seek out people and events which feel good, people who are kind to you and surroundings which feel better. Eventually you will notice patterns which make you the most comfortable.

    I went through what you are feeling for a number of years because I’m naturally introverted and softly spoken, and just not ‘out there’ at all. And it was very painful.

    Until I learned to completely love and accept myself just EXACTLY as I am. The happier you are with yourself, and the less you apologise for who you are, the more people will be drawn to you.

    And like that famous saying goes, when you shine your light, you give others permission to do the same.



  169.  #169Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Erika 119

    Oh YES 🙂

    It feels very much like being in my head, not in a good way. I think my inner self is so used to this not feeling good that it has come up with ways to automatically stop me in my tracks when I do that. It REALLY doesn’t feel good. Doing something lovely or fun feels SO much better.



  170.  #170Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 4:42 am

    (((Corin)))



  171.  #171Zia on July 7, 2013 at 5:22 am

    163: Heart – well, as far as I can tell, apparently because he noticed a look pass between me and a friend of his, um, some body language…. and his friend (who is a bragger) probably made some comment. he also once thought i was flirting with this friend (and i wasn’t, just being friendly, and we sorted that out at the time when we spoke about it or so I thought) that literally is pretty much it. The guy he thought I had something with I’d met maybe 3 times, all in a group social setting, of course had zero interest in, and never spoke to otherwise. He has had ex’s cheat on him previously. He also admitted to having lots of insecurities and jealousy issues.



  172.  #172Zia on July 7, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Rebecca – agree with sophie and heart, just keep going out with different groups of people till you find ones you feel good being around 🙂



  173.  #173Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Good morning sirens. 🙂

    I’m starting to feel like me again. I spent SO MUCH time worrying about that relationship with GS that I really didnt spend time on me at all. I really never understood what that meant to be honest. I think I thought it was working on me so I would be the person he would need…..or working on saying or doing the right thing.

    I know that some of you disagreed with me.

    Having that 3rd talk with him on Friday was the BEST. THING. EVER. It released me. It gave me dignity. It gave me power. It did everything I needed it to do.

    But it is because like Dominique said, I did it for ME. Not with any expectations from him. I didnt need ANYTHING from him. I just needed him to know taht I FINALLY understood where he was coming from.

    I love him. I hope he gets to a point where he can be in a relationship and be healthy. But even if he gets to that point, I will NOT STOP Circular Dating (DO YOU HEAR THAT MERCEDES?!?!! LOL!!!!)

    He will have to prove to me, and himself, that he can really “do” a relationship.

    In the meantime, I have my house to get in order, and I worked on my divorce paperwork for 4 hours again yesterday – its getting there!!!! And I sat at the pool for 2 hours and truly enjoyed my children.

    I have this weird feeling…..

    Its like a negative voice way down inside that wants to come out and its like I think I SHOULD have negative voices, but I just DONT. They are just not there. I am so at peace with all of this. I almost feel guilty for not feeling upset. LOL – Crazy!!!!

    Anyway – the point of it is that you have to use Rori and Dominique and CCarter and Q’s Code. They helped me be where I’m at today…..

    ….but I had to do it in my own way, in my own truth.

    The only thing that makes me slightly nervous is that this feeling of strength and dignity w ill somehow fade. I love this feeling so much that I need to make sure not to backslide. I hope I dont.

    If I do, I know I will have this place, and you sirens to help me! 🙂



  174.  #174BeLoved on July 7, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Rebecca – yes to what the other sirens are saying – part of building self-esteem is not hanging with peeps who don’t celebrate you. Be choosy, you are the treasure 🙂



  175.  #175Zia on July 7, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Elise – we will 🙂



  176.  #176sophie on July 7, 2013 at 6:00 am

    So ironic that I shared with Rebecca not to care about what others think x I’m better at it but still have my struggles and today I feel bleeerrggghhh cos I shared some info about my CD which I shouldn’t and I really CARE about what he thinks x I said sorry about twenty times which just screams of how much I care about what he thinks. I find it very hard to be in my power especially when I’m tired my anxiety goes all over the place. I went to carnival yesterday and I just wasn’t feeling it x I was feeling like i’m living the wrong life but I don’t know what my right life is x wrong men x wrong social activities x wrong unhealthy habits x

    I would like to get on an airplane and run away x find my right life x but i’ve tried that before…:) the answers are inside of me

    Om so today needs to be another day of soothing the NV’s cos I’m tired and I’m not perfect and being not perfect is all ok and tomorrow will be a different day x

    I need to pull back from FWBCD – he came to me with emergencies at work and I felt trusted and flattered that he came to me x and i have spent a lot of intimate time with him recently but the arrangement is still the same – “i am his friend” x i want him to go away x i want him to change his mindx i never say no to him when he wants to see me x

    arrgghh how do i get off this wrong road I’m walking?



  177.  #177Zia on July 7, 2013 at 6:00 am

    You know what is ridiculous, is that if a friend accused me of lying and made up stories about me, I’d drop them in a second. Why do I feel like I have to somehow prove to this guy that I didn’t do what he said? It’s crazy. The posts about spending time with people who make you feel good reminded me of this.

    Love does crazy things to people let me tell you. But we all know that else we wouldn’t be here 😉



  178.  #178Zia on July 7, 2013 at 6:00 am

    You know what is ridiculous, is that if a friend accused me of lying and made up stories about me, I’d drop them in a second. Why do I feel like I have to somehow prove to this guy that I didn’t do what he said? It’s crazy. The posts about spending time with people who make you feel good reminded me of this.

    Love does crazy things to people let me tell you. But we all know that else we wouldn’t be here 😉



  179.  #179sophie on July 7, 2013 at 6:14 am

    171 – you sound great Elsie 🙂 feels nice to hear the excitement about all the things you have to do for yourself mmmm i want a taste of that energy again



  180.  #180BeLoved on July 7, 2013 at 6:21 am

    I had a yumlicious talk with T last night.
    While meditating on partnership, I realized something.
    The week after we talked about marriage and I “leaned back”, and told myself the story of how T wasn’t stepping up –
    in reality, what happened was, I learned my son and DIL are going to have a baby and yet I didn’t call my trusted friend of 11 years to tell him. I didn’t call the man who I said I wanted to marry to ask him for his input.
    I acted alone, made my decision alone, and told myself the story of being abandoned by T.

    At the time, it *did* feel like it would have been chasing – AND…this isn’t a new relationship. My calls are ALWAYS welcome, always have been, even the 3am distressed freaking out over self-created drama calls about other men, he has consistently been available to me.

    I feel gratitude and appreciation for some experiences with my mother and son this weekend that reflected to me this pattern of acting alone, not partnering with my partner. I have done this SO many time, left T feeling shocked and speechless and bewildered at the actions I’ve taken on my own without discussing it with him.

    I felt scared to share my power, around parenting and money. I felt scared because I think, deep down, I knew I had some serious error sin thinking and felt scared to expose them. I would feel very attached to a course of action and didn’t want to be talked out of them, even if it wasn’t in my own best interest, I couldn’t stand to give up what felt like power to me.

    I’m feeling so free and easy in my body and spirit this morning.
    I feel relaxed
    ease ease wow so much ease
    I love this connection with T, it gives me SO much freedom. I have a solid connection with him, and can still do whatever I want.

    Something tells me deep inside that I haven’t been *ready* for T to be different for me, I haven’t been *ready* for things to be different with my son.
    Not sure…we’ll see.



  181.  #181Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 6:21 am

    @sophie – If FWB guy is too much for you emotionally, then you should do whats best for you. I have had a lot of friends do what you said you have done in the past – run away to another city, etc. In the end, they still had the same problems but different scenery. Take today to just marinate in the negative voices and see that they are not real. Try to sort out what you can do for YOU. It sooooo hard. I know. Honestly, I cant believe I’m here. I’m not sure what I did to get here, except sort of read all the stuff here, and then do what felt true to me (which went against what some of the sirens were saying, but I know to my toes that it was the right decision for me. I know because of how I feel now.) So until then, fake it until you make it. 🙂 Thats what I did, and then all of a sudden, I got peaceful. Man, I hope it lasts, because it feels awesome.

    Zia – You would care if a friend thought you were lying probably. People in general dont like it when they are called liars, and our first defense is to show that we are not with people that we care about. If its a stranger, we dont care, but obviously you want to prove to this guy that you didnt cheat. I totally understand where you are coming from. But you cant make someone believe something. Maybe he NEEDS to believe this for some reason. He needs it because he needed to move on and the only way to do that was to make you the “bad guy” even though it wasnt true.



  182.  #182Zia on July 7, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Elise – yeah I do agree. in the end, if he thinks that then he obviously doesn’t know me as well as i thought he did. i just wish i could let go of this hold he has over me. hopefully the fact that he still thinks this is enough. really need to go on a date with a guy i have some attraction to! it’s so frustrating, i’ve been on heaps of dates and havent wanted to kiss any of them. how do you ladies find so many guys to have in your rotation?!



  183.  #183sophie on July 7, 2013 at 6:50 am

    180 – ha ha Zia I know I ask myself that question x How do you find these men (although I don’t like the internet 🙂

    I strongly believe though when I get myself in the right place with me then it’ll open up my opportunities – i’ve felt it before x clear with my intentions and then woosshhh things present themselves to me and quickly x right now i dont feel clear I feel muddy waters

    Thank you Elsie x maybe I do need to do some faking til I make it I’m doing good drifting right now I know all the things I can ‘DO’ I’m just not motivated to do them x marinate is a good word I would like to feel marinated in well being 🙂 thats what I’ll do today marinade in well being x I have sooo many wonderful things in my life really a man is not so significant…not unless I want him to be



  184.  #184Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 7:08 am

    @Zia – My friend does this thing we laugh at called “Denial”. LOL. You just literally do NOT think about it. You think about the wall, the chair, the tv, and when you start to think about the negative voices, you literally MAKE yourself think about something else. Eventually, it becomes duller. Now, some of the sirens on here would say that is wrong, feel and sink into the pain. My experience has been that sometimes the pain hurts so much its blinding and so piercing you cant get any “work” done when you are like that. You have to get it to a manageable level. Otherwise you are just overwhelmed. That is just my opinion. Others may disagree.

    @Sophie – I love the fake it till you make it. I know also some sirens on here would disagree with that. Its just getting yourself to a place where you can actually feel your feelings. Sometimes they are so painful and overwhelming you really cant get the work done on you that you need to do.

    I LOVE the word marinate. I use it all the time. Its just being in the soup of whatever you are in. I know that people say that its of your own creation, but sometimes our feelings and voices inside get so loud its really hard to get out of that soup.



  185.  #185Heart on July 7, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Zia – Sounds like a frustrating end. If he believes that…then what can you do…Maybe you could talk to his friend? Ask the friend and ask the friend to talk to him? At any rate, he sounds very insecure…and getting back with him might mean living in a straightjacket, walking on eggshells and constantly pandering to that insecurity.



  186.  #186Heart on July 7, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Elsie – Expect some up & down….don’t beat yourself up of you start feeling sad or negative…. It’s Normal. 🙂



  187.  #187angela on July 7, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Hi Ladies
    I have begun circular dating. which is a very scary territory. I met a guy I clicked with and invited him over. We ended up having sex which was my plan all along. I do not know what the rules are for this one, But I believe sex can wait until you are exclusive right? I do not feel guilty or that I will try to make this more than it was. Is that a good plan? I mean I do feel bad that it could’ve turned into something else if i had waited. But I am feeling confident in myself. so far thanks



  188.  #188Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 8:09 am

    @Heart – Thank you. I appreciate that in advance, because I really am so surprised that I feel so good that I am sort of waiting for the negative voices, but they are soooo quiet right now. I am afraid they are just resting and its a calm before

    @angela – Sex can wait, and it also doesnt have to. I think each person makes their own boundaries, and those can change even for each person. If this guy is really great and really likes you – then it could STILL turn into something else. You could have a talk with him and say that you felt very attracted to him, but now would like to get to know him better before you do that again, that it wouldnt feel good to you to have sex again so soon because you are really more interested in getting to know him as a person. A good quality man will wait. I PROMISE that.



  189.  #189Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 8:09 am

    whoops….meant to write “calm before the storm.”



  190.  #190Angela on July 7, 2013 at 8:15 am

    thank you so much Elsie makes sense. I feel like there was no pressure from his side it was alll me. so I will wait and see what happens. thanks again sweet elsie



  191.  #191Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Indigo

    Thank you so much for your insight!

    You are right I am incredibly sensitive – but only because I don’t like being ignored.

    It’s weird but I wonder what it is like to be popular and confident all the time?

    Why is everything based on looks?

    I feel like I am not good enough and I need to get over this?

    I am me and I need to love myself…

    I seriously wonder if this is what I am projecting and it is just being reflected back at me??

    I notice how well I get on with older people – but not people of my own age group.

    What is wrong with me? Why don’t I fit in??

    I need to staet loving myself and stop worrying about being liked and accepted..

    I can’t beat myself up for not fitting in.

    Thisneeds to stop!

    I need to check into my feelings on this one…



  192.  #192Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Angela – There are people who get married after having sex very early on. There are people that wait a year and then break up. I think that if its meant to be and you guys really click emotionally, and on other levels, then it could definitely work out. Was this last night that it happened?



  193.  #193Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 8:34 am

    @Rebecca – You do fit in. You fit in here. You fit in with older people. You do fit in. Just find groups where you fit in, instead of forcing yourself to try to fit in to where its uncomfortable. 🙂



  194.  #194seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Rebecca- Good morning lovely siren! I thought like about other people…………… I changed it and everything else changed. The first big one was………………… People aren’t cruel. They are all just doing their thing. It’s not about me. It’s their thing. And bless them too………………….. If you’re not comfortable, sink inside and feel it………… where is it coming from, trace it back to the beginning and undo the knot. Remembering all the while that people are not cruel. Find your people…..your tribe………… the people who enjoy the things you like and be comfortable in you…………all the while remembering PEOPLE ARE NOT CRUEL……………….. It’s a perspective that can change and see people in a different light. What we think on grows sweet siren. Still hurts sometimes for me seeing how other people treat each other and I remember to breathe and stay centered and not judge others…………. and to offer smiles. Smiling is my favorite:)



  195.  #195angela on July 7, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Yes Elsie it happened last night. He messagd me about two days ago on one of the dating sites. And we were just playful nothing serious. He mentioned he wanted to find a good relationship because he wants to settle down. I said I am just looking to date really. So yesterday he asked me out for ice cream or a movie. And I said (don’t know if it was right ) why don’t you come over. And he was very gentlemanly like saying things like” we can wait to meet or go get tea before”. Right now I am nervous about what is next .I am waiting for a text but not hopeful about it. Like you said if it is meant to be it will be. And I am so young 22 now I am not sure a relationship is all I want although his manly presence was just what i needed. i have been lonely for too long elsie.



  196.  #196seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Elsie!!!! You sound so peaceful and sireny!!!!!! Feels so good to read……………. The Dos Equiscd guy emailed me a song…………. Chris Isaak Wicked Games video……………… WTH I haven’ seen heard nothing I have been feeling dang great and BOOM……………. and then………… the niggling thoughts began…… He thinks I was playing games? What?!? Really? seriously?……………… Ouch… games? really? ..he is in pain and I don’t have control over him or his thoughts and OH dear LOOK at me projecting!!!!! SHIZZZ nitssss!!!!!

    So I sent a video…………. not in anger…………. in a burst of ME!……….. I sent a video of Anna Caterina Antonacci as Carmen singing Habenera…………. Love that opera and she just knocks it right outta the park with it! I love the power and sauciness she displays as a siren. I am feeling a bit of regret though. I should of delelted his email without opening…………. i didn’t.



  197.  #197seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Elsie!!!! You sound so peaceful and sireny!!!!!! Feels so good to read……………. The Dos Equiscd guy emailed me a song…………. Chris Isaak Wicked Games video……………… WTH I haven’ seen heard nothing I have been feeling dang great and BOOM……………. and then………… the niggling thoughts began…… He thinks I was playing games? What?!? Really? seriously?……………… Ouch… games? really? ..he is in pain and I don’t have control over him or his thoughts and OH dear LOOK at me projecting!!!!! SHIZZZ nitssss!!!!!

    So I sent a video…………. not in anger…………. in a burst of ME!……….. I sent a video of Anna Caterina Antonacci as Carmen singing Habenera…………. Love that opera and she just knocks it right outta the park with it! I love the power and sauciness she displays as a siren. I am feeling a bit of regret though. I should of delelted his email without opening…………. i didn’t.



  198.  #198seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Freaking capitol I……………… ohhhhhhhh…. I matter. I CAPITOL I.



  199.  #199Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Wow, what fantastic advice Sirens!
    Thank you so much…

    Just warm, loving advice means so much to me.

    Especially as I feel so vulnerable…

    Yes. It is about finding the ‘right tribe’ it’s just that mine seems to be older people who are at least 30 years older than me.

    And that just makes me feel sad.

    I want to fit in with people of my own age…

    Why don’t I?

    I wonder if I am trying too hard….???

    It’s just about wanting to habe friends in my own peer group?

    My ‘friends’ are middle aged bachelor men.

    I have zero friends who are women. Women rarely accept me???

    I feel like I connect more with men…

    Argh… So much ‘stuff’ going around my head….

    I am 40 and NEVER had a serious boyfriend.

    Lol, I feel like a failure…. 🙁

    Phew, its good to have somewhere to let it out…



  200.  #200Blue Eyed Girl on July 7, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Noticing today I’m applying my sadness to my relationship. No need to do that. We had a good day yesterday. He came up to a family outing with me. Helped with my kids, got along great with my family….wonder why I feel the need to make obstacles and problems where there aren’t any? Hmmm…..

    Going to do some tapping to try and raise my spirits and focus on all the sweet things he does for me.

    <3 to my sad heart and <3 to him for showing his love in his way.



  201.  #201Heart on July 7, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Angela – I feel confused….why are you inviting him to your hluse? Why don’t you want to go for ice cream?



  202.  #202angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Rebecca maybe you are more mature than people your age I am 22 and hang out with older people 30-50s. They are nothing but fun. Accept this fact but if you do want to make friends your own age that is cool too. I remember my first year of college I wanted to make friends so bad it didn’t happen till the 3rd year when I had these friends, and when I gave up and accepted myself, I felt pretty wonderful like I had a lot to offer.



  203.  #203Blue Eyed Girl on July 7, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Also planning on cding my kids and the world today. I am good and happy no matter what he does and doesn’t do.



  204.  #204angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:26 am

    heart- i don’t know maybe i wanted to have sex.



  205.  #205Heart on July 7, 2013 at 9:27 am

    #186 Elsie – just deal with it if/when it comes up.



  206.  #206ALA on July 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    “Freaking capitol I……………… ohhhhhhhh…. I matter. I CAPITOL I.”

    Yay! ((( seahorse )))

    I had an amazing experience yesterday. A guy I had been kinda flirty with, but told him up front that I am not ready for a relationship, kinda crossed the line into insult territory. So I clearly stated, without any drama, my boundaries… and left. This feels amazing to not worry about the other person’s feelings and be there for ((( me ))) … yay!

    I’m noticing my energy is so much more open with men these days. I think my vibe is shifting.



  207.  #207angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    heart- i found the way he talked to me so attractive that i just couldn’t wait.



  208.  #208Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Corin – 153 – Seems like you already know what to do and how to do it though confusion may still predominate. Can you love your confusion too.

    Blame get you nowhere, as you already know, and neither does looking to control which you also know.

    You learn trust which is primarily within yourself little bit by little bit. Trust that your deeper, wiser self knows what to do, where to go.

    Can you shift your focus back on you? Immerse yourself in your passions whatever this might look like to you?

    Can you refocus on self care? loving, gentle rituals? taking a little time to notice ALL the gorgeousness surrounding you including you?

    You ARE good enough. You are perfect just as you are even.

    xxoo



  209.  #209angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:30 am

    @ Dominique- Don’t know if you have been reading my updates. But I feel I did good like it was meant to be. It just happened and I am ok with that. Is that so bad?



  210.  #210Heart on July 7, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Angela – sink into yourself…unearth your feelings & let us know why your doing what your doing.



  211.  #211Heart on July 7, 2013 at 9:32 am

    you’re hehe



  212.  #212angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:33 am

    oh -heart- now i feel judged and teary.



  213.  #213Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 9:36 am

    I’m really getting that analysis and interpretation are in the way of connection. I’m getting how exhausting it is to analyze and interpret. I am also getting that “trying not to” analyze and interpret doesn’t really work. The concepts actually need to be removed from the mind so that direct simple connection can be restored.



  214.  #214angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:39 am

    heart- i know this much it had nothing to do with him.
    it was more about me and where i wanted to be. maybe no true intimacy maybe that is what i am afraid of. ‘
    because i don’t feel like being his gf if he were to ask



  215.  #215angela on July 7, 2013 at 9:40 am

    and is taking up a lover ok? rori has suggested it many times no?



  216.  #216Rebecca on July 7, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Hmm…

    I really need to get over my stress and anxiety about being ‘accepted’

    Why should I wait for people to accept me..

    I am me and I need to start loving myself the way that I am, and accepting myself the way that I am.

    And not constantly beating myself up all the time and being uber critical of myself.

    I criticise myself ALL the time. I hate myself. This needs to stop… I need to take a deep breath and start loving myself, liking myself…

    I need to go deep into my feelings and see what comes up…

    I am literally in a dark place and deep depression today..

    I am angry. Where does this come from?

    I feel sad?

    I feel like I am letting other peoples opinion of me control me. Why? Are they better than me??

    Hmmm…..



  217.  #217seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Rebecca- How cares what they look like?…………….. How do you feel inside when you are with them, for now, just go with it…….

    Do you like music? I dance all around my home with the music blaring. Sometimes it’s opera and I wear a scarf all gorgeous and flowing and sing and act the parts……… Nobody can hear me or see me……. I don’t think so……… and who really cares anyway! I feel so great when I let that out. Then I call upon that feeling when I feel uncomfortable out and about. My heads gets a jaunty tilt and I feel saucy. It really changes my vibe;)



  218.  #218seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:47 am

    And another one that worked great was painting myself. Sitting in front of the mirror naked with a bowl of water and a small paintbrush. Every inch and every nook and cranny gets touched lovingly with the paint brush……….. all of me while i am telling myself. I love you seahorse I love you………… feels so opening and peaceful and ……… I love you.



  219.  #219seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 9:52 am

    ALA- Doesn’t it feel freeing?? Like ……. It’s all good. This is good for me and that’s not so we speak it and then leave…………. Nobody to blame or get mad at just………….. moving along here in my safe boundary…… Great for you ALA!!!!! Big Hugs!



  220.  #220MovingMagic on July 7, 2013 at 9:58 am

    *hugs Rebecca*. There’s nothing wrong with you. You relate with who you relate with. I’ve felt the same way over the years. Many of my friends are quite a bit older than myself. I love the calmness of those friendships.



  221.  #221sophie on July 7, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Angela – anything is ok as long as it feels good to you – what feels good to you that’s where you need to look and as long as it feels good to you then there isn’t a problem – is there?

    are you worrying about something? what are you worrying about? x



  222.  #222angela on July 7, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Sophie everything seemed good to me I felt safe. I have only started worrying because im being advised to ask my self why I did what I did which is valid of course. But I had no reason to do it I felt like doing it.



  223.  #223seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 10:06 am

    I have found the most unlikely people to be the best of friends with. What I thought was where I should of been…….wasn’t the place. When I let go, I was found………………. finding………… me. The journey to never end. Thank you



  224.  #224Heart on July 7, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Angela – you said you didn’t know so I encouraged you to find out. I feel surprised by your reaction. Maybe you’re judging yourself?
    I was just giving some by the way advice now I’m feeling tired from reading your post. I feel unsafe with you.



  225.  #225angela on July 7, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Heart maybe I am judging myself because my self esteem isn’t so high. Please don’t read my post and i apologize if I offended you in anyway. But those were my feelings.



  226.  #226ALA on July 7, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I can relate to ((( Elsie ))) … feeling peaceful and okay with myself, with a bit of trepidation, waiting for the other shoe to drop? No. Awareness that my NV’s are still there, but not really at the forefront like they were not so long ago.

    Yes … so freeing!!!

    ((( Rebecca ))) I had to leave unhealthy people and places. Getting that awareness of what’s good for me and not good for me and going from there.

    People, especially men LOVE you when you are taking care of yourself. This guy from yesterday is truly sorry. Before, I would have let him back in, be all awe, taking care of HIS feelings. I’m so glad to recognize this pattern. I matter!



  227.  #227angela on July 7, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Again Heart does were my feelings and maybe a bit of confusion I do not want to make you feel unsafe.



  228.  #228Heart on July 7, 2013 at 10:21 am

    #220 Yuck. Feeling pissed. Feeling attacked. Feeling unfairly blamed….feeling like defending myself.
    Feeling like chastising….and correcting …*breathes*
    breathes….
    I don’t need to focus on this…I can just breath and turn things elsewhere….

    I like the soft lights coming from the buildins I can see from my balcony. The night feels really sensual …. the wind is warm & cool at the same thing….yea the wind is like that guy I’m dated…ahaha

    I’m making up stories about the people in the rooms in the buildings….the stories are more like pictures and glimpses…..I’m imagining their lives as wondrous….I feel jealous… I feel hopeful.



  229.  #229Heart on July 7, 2013 at 10:23 am

    wow….the typos & grammatical error come from me typing on a small phone in the dark…hehe…

    It’s ok Angela…good luck.



  230.  #230sophie on July 7, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Angela x you say in your first post that you feel bad that it couldve turned into something else…what do you mean? you’re worried that you may have ‘messed it up in someway’? – just because you had sex doesn’t mean anything necessarily with regards to what he may do or feel – what you feel is important and what you ultimately desire (and whats the best way for you to get there). Learning is also about experimenting and that helps to find more of the answers to these things.

    you can have sex as and when and with whom you choose there are no rules only what feels good to you…i ended up in my journey holding off from sex for a while as I felt very sure that I wanted a partner and not a one night stand and it felt better to me to get to know someone a bit first and see if their energy was coming towards me – that doesn’t mean my way is the right way just the way that feels good to me



  231.  #231Luzydel on July 7, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I m practicing something and want to share it in case it may help any of you.

    It is about contacting a man… what I do is I postpone it… I put it in my cell phone calendar to call that person, I do not give myself less than a week; it has to be a week or later not less.

    In that time I do other things, date, have fun, take care of me, enjoy myself etc. Then my alarm sounds after the time I schedule to call that person and I either call him or postpone it for a later time (again no less than a week) and repeat. If I do call him, I pay attention to how I feel, my expectations etc.

    That way I am paying attention to my need/desire to contact that person, but I do not act on it right away, I give myself time.



  232.  #232sophie on July 7, 2013 at 10:28 am

    226 I love your description of your evening Heart – makes me think of Amelie – have you seen that film she looks out over the rooftops of paris and all the lives of all the people – yum romantic – i am feeling sensual too – the heat of the day has gone down a little bit and i have a comfy armchair in my garden and the breeze is washing over me – only nice comfy sensual relaxation this evening



  233.  #233Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 10:34 am

    sophie – 174 – You’re not on a wrong path. You’re on exactly the path you need to be right now. Can you find the lessons? What are your patterns telling you? What can you do to enact transformation in the areas you wish to transform?

    xxoo



  234.  #234angela on July 7, 2013 at 10:37 am

    It was just the tiny thought of I should’ve waited that creeped in today sophie because he seemed like a nice guy looking for a relationship. yes sophie you are right you knew what you wanted and i can see that is why sex right away did not feel good to you. I do not think I want a relationship now and feel that having sex was just that having sex with a man. And I was feeling good about it even powerful and happy because I wanted nothing from this man. Now I am feeling a bit wobbly not about him but about me. But I am welcoming these feelings and i feel like telling my heart it was what you wanted be at peace with it. thank you sophie for your kind and wise words and for using your life as an example



  235.  #235Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Elsie – 182 – There is a distinct difference between feeling your feelings deeply and wallowing. It can be a fine.

    It seems as though you’ve made the distinction, so yay you!!!

    Gremlins or nvs can and do create all kinds of false feelings, so gently turning your thoughts elsewhere, over and over and over again if necessary is a wonderful way to go and one I suggest often. I prefer to use the word gently because it feels doable. It feels accepting. It feels loving.

    xxoo



  236.  #236Heart on July 7, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Sophie – I saw Amelie a looong time ago. Maybe I should look at it again. Thanks for the encouragement…(it’s late night) ….oh you’re in a garden….how enchanting…



  237.  #237Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 10:47 am

    angela – 185 – You did what felt best and right to you. There are no rules around this aside from taking care of you which is what you did. 🙂

    If it felt good, then please enjoy the good feeling feelings.

    xxoo



  238.  #238seahorse on July 7, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Luzydel- What a great idea! I am going to remember that one for sure:)



  239.  #239Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 10:50 am

    I am entitled to miracles. Behind this situation is a miracle to which I am entitled.

    A guy commented on my blog and “criticized” me for having a sense of “entitlement.” I felt less defensive than I usually do. I turned it into a video. I feel sad that people expect so little of life, and usually get it.



  240.  #240Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Rebecca – 189 – From someone who has grown up being shy, ultra-sensitive, feeling like I don’t belong – very much like you, I want you to know that when you can come to a place of acceptance with your uniqueness, you very special specialness because of all of this, not only will you feel better, other more like hearted people will begin to show up.

    These are wonderful gifts you’ve been gifted with. Please try to love them.

    Have you read the two part article on ultra-sensitivity? I will post them here if you are interested.

    http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-your-man-as-an-ultra-sensitive

    xxoo



  241.  #241Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 10:54 am


  242.  #242sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:01 am

    231 – Dominique I just don’t know! I feel so frustrated! but then I feel ok and then I feel frustrated I’m just doing a slow shuffle and it feels excrutiatingly slow sometimes x i’ve done masses of inner work masses and sometimes i just want to cry if i feel like i’m just not getting it but then i have to look at where i’ve come from in just a few years and be content with the progress i’ve made – its probably a huge amount but its easy to lose sight of when i’m still bumping right up against ‘my stuff’ – i am trying to learn to give myself more validation and to accept where i am at bit more and to look for the positives but I feel like i should have graduated by now ha ha – i like quick fix solutions and this is years of transformations – i like epiphanies and liberations and feeling free – stuckness makes me want to cry tears of frustration – i feel like my wings are clipped and i just want to break out and fly away into something different



  243.  #243ALA on July 7, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Dominique – @ 233

    Yes, I totally agree. The wallowing/depression can almost be like an addiction. When I was feeling sad about a guy I noticed those dark thoughts coming up, wanting to pull me back down. I had to say to myself, meh, do I really want to go there … again? Then choosing better thoughts. I remembered when I was on anti-depressants for my anxiety how I would wake up each day feeling even more happier than the day before. It got to a point where I was wondering how freakin’ happy can a person get. But I didn’t learn any tools then that I am learning now. Applying the tools I’m getting the same results without the drugs. It feels amazing and empowering!



  244.  #244sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:02 am

    231 Dominique – thank you for reminding me i am right where i need to be for now – i need to be gently reminded of that every day – coaxed back to the present – i will right it for myself somewhere in my house so that i can see it



  245.  #245sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:03 am

    write not right – wish you could edit typos :0



  246.  #246sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:07 am

    234 – Heart hee hee garden enchanting 🙂 – it is quite quaint ina row of terraces but sheltered from the other gardens I can hear children playing next door and people having bbq’s – you have a balcony!!! and Elsie sits by a pool 🙂 I love how different all our environments are…it feels exciting to imagine us all connected by cyberspace



  247.  #247sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:11 am

    232 – happy if it was helpful Angela x you could be curious about your wobbly feelings without making yourself wrong – they may have messages for you (?) 🙂



  248.  #248ALA on July 7, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Erica – what you just said reminded me how recently two very dominant men said, critically to me that I think I am all that. I feel perplexed because I sometimes think my self-esteem is very low. I wonder how they can see that in me, what’s my vibe, the words I choose. Maybe it’s not me, but them. They can’t control me.

    Where are your videos? Are they on YouTube, hence free? I have no money for any programs. 🙁



  249.  #249Heart on July 7, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Sophie – we all have spots to Rejuvenate/Connect.
    I like how your garden sounds…I can imagine myself there…I’m feeling hungry thinking about he BBQ.



  250.  #250sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:14 am

    luzydel – that is a great idea – i would benefit from that for sure



  251.  #251sophie on July 7, 2013 at 11:19 am

    247 – i feel happy thinking about our rejuvenation spots 🙂 I don’t have BBQ but I do have strawberries mmmmm



  252.  #252Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 11:29 am

    sophie – 242 – Sweetheart….there is nothing to graduate from, a destination to get to. This is a life long process. To stop growing is to die, literally or figuratively.

    Can you try to look at this as an exciting adventure? You said yourself that you’ve come such a long way. This is AMAZING, farther than so many get to go because they just don’t know. You do, and this is fantastic.

    Yes it can feel frustrating sometimes. I feel this way still and more often than I would prefer. We ALL feel this way sometimes. And knowing this may not help so much, yet knowing you are SO not alone can help ease some of this.

    There will be moments, hours even when things feel insurmountable, and there they move into moments or hours when you feel on top of the world. This is part of being the beautiful goddess woman who you already are. And this is so beautiful. Just like you.

    xxoo



  253.  #253sophie on July 7, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    thank you Dominique – that was so loving I nearly cried! I know there’s no graduation really although I never stop believing there may be – one imaginary day when i can tick all the boxes 🙂 I am one of the uber sensitives and my moods can be so up and so down and affected by everything sleep, hormones, food and obv the addictive stuff. I know finding balance with all of this is part of the healing I need to do for myself.

    It is just like you say 🙂 Sometimes I really feel the amazing adventure. Sometimes I feel like today. Today is just a today day 🙂

    But today is a beautiful day anyway – i feel relaxed in my body, the breeze is beautiful – i feel very grateful today (and most days)- its just my analytical head that wants to do its obsessive thing and its obsessive thing is never actually very helpful 🙂



  254.  #254ALA on July 7, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    I was just feeling blissful about my weekly ritual, lovingly putting olive oil on my body, getting into my swimsuit and going outside to mow my lawn in the sunshine. And without completing one lap I got stung twice by yellow jackets! So came inside to look online how to treat it. Also looked where D usually goes online and he was there. This is the only guy I lose my sanity with. He pushes me away and then comes back in a few days. I was missing him earlier today, and yesterday. Wanting and wishing things to be good between us all the time. I want to tell him that… after I get my lawn done.



  255.  #255Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Rebecca

    You’re very welcome 🙂

    Well what I found is just first to start loving the way I naturally am, because that felt good. Give myself permission to be just exactly who I am.

    To be honest that felt so good that I really stopped worrying about being more confident/beautiful/outgoing/funny/popular.

    And then once that happened, when I felt pretty secure in my self-acceptance, I actually started to find being funnier/more confident/more outgoing a lot easier.



  256.  #256Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Also Rebecca,

    This may amaze you, but there are other sensitive people your age who are just dying for a friend like you.

    Keep your eyes open, be kind and open with people… you’ll find them.



  257.  #257Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    hi ALA, I do have some free videos on YouTube. The ones I’m recording now are not released yet and if ever made public will be in advanced products. I do have quite a few free ones including a set I released for free supporting world peace. I heard the blog comment as a “message” that I needed to clear a limiting belief in myself. Men as messages, as Rori teaches.

    I notice I am feeling pressure to feel other than I feel. I feel aimless and uninterested and unengaged. Part of me thinks I’m supposed to be feeling passionate and this and that and the other. And I don’t. I feel disengaged right now and most of the goals that used to seem meaningful to me don’t feel meaningful at all anymore. I’m gonna take a shower.



  258.  #258Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Part of me wants to judge these feelings as “wrong.” I “should” care and I “should” feel different than I feel. How do I know though? Maybe I’m meant to disengage from all those goals so something new can happen. How can I know what is “good” and what is “bad,” really?



  259.  #259Liquid Light on July 7, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    OMG, my neighbor who just moved in is such a STUD. Just an awesome specimen of manhood. And so nice. He’s way too young for me, but I love just basking in his presence…:)

    I had a date with someone when I was down in the Bay Area a few weeks. He wants to see me when I move down there. I was telling a girlfriend about my first (and only meeting for coffee) and she picked up on something that I have been fearing. He has an energy about him that is intense…it reminds me a bit of my last boyfriend. Physically, he was too assertive for a first meeting and made me feel a bit uncomfortable. He went to shake my hand and wouldn’t let it go for a bit. When I think about this, I feel fear. I think my girlfriend was right about him but I didn’t want to admit it. I keep attracting this energy to me…why??? He asked me to go on a hike for our next “date” and I feel a bit of fear..I’m not sure if its valid or if its because of my last relationship. My ex was very pushy and aggressive physically (not abusive but aggressive). He’s a big man like my ex.

    Thoughts?



  260.  #260Liquid Light on July 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    @Rebecca yeah, I second what Indigo said…You will find each other. If its easy then that’s a big clue. If the friendship is hard, then don’t bother.



  261.  #261Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    I am off home tomorrow, and I feel infused with the essence of Celtic goddess!

    I feel as if there are so many more nuances to me… to be honest I feel as if I’m floating a few inches above the ground.

    I really feel so much more my goddess self, I want to take this feeling with me forever and ever.



  262.  #262Liquid Light on July 7, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Indigo the Celtic Goddess!!! That’s got a great ring to it! Love it!



  263.  #263Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    I wouldn’t be being truthful if I didn’t say I was looking forward to talking to and seeing D

    But

    I feel SO good in myself, that I can carry this with me. My heart feels bursting with joy, and I know that this is MINE.



  264.  #264Indigo on July 7, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Thank you Liquid Light – goddess, warrior, princess, I love it too!

    I love the idea that I can take this into the humdrum of my ordinary life.



  265.  #265Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I wonder if this is what it feels like to fall through to complete surrender … not caring, not engaging with anything … it’s a beautiful day here and I don’t even feel like doing anything outside. It’s a feeling of
    “been there done that” with everything …



  266.  #266Shanta on July 7, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Dominique I always enjoy reading your responses to the posts. I always feel so inspired! You are wonderful. I wish to one day have a way with words as you do! I feel happy and confident reading what you have to say; although, you are directing anything at me, it still feels good to me and it helps me. Thank you!



  267.  #267Jammy85 on July 7, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    HELLLPPPPP!!!!!!!! Emergency help needed girlies!

    I’ve just been delt the ‘we need to talk’ card via text message!

    In your infinite wisdom girls……what do I do now???!!!

    #stricken



  268.  #268Sassy on July 7, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Jammy85,

    First, take a deep breath and roll your shoulders.

    Is this coming as a surprise? Are you feeling nervous, worried, concerned or could this potentially be a good thing?

    What is your history? Is this a boyfriend, CD, fiancé,?



  269.  #269Wildgeranium on July 7, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    The other sirens may have a more siren-ey answer for you, but : breathe, stay calm and open, listen to what he has to say-really listen (there is a Rori tool, I’ll try and find it). If there is a time to respond, use feeling messages. Don’t get into an argument or discussion. You may need to just hear what is said and take that away and process it. If you can stay calm no matter what he says, there can be a way to turn it around quickly even if it seems hopeless in the moment.

    Such dreaded words…. (((Hugs)))



  270.  #270Jammy85 on July 7, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Hi Sassy

    Thank you for the quick response:-)

    He is a long term bf of 2yrs….the relationship has been unsettled for a long time, I don’t know when or how but I was merrily going along being naturally sireney for the first 9 months and then I lost it and have been in an anxious state of appeasement since.

    He is definitely a moody man, 7yrs my senior with 2 children from different mothers. Both of whom cheated on him and told him they didn’t love him. He regularly sees his kids and has a fab relationship with them both.

    I feel anxious around him because I never know which side of him will greet me or when he’ll be next triggered into a mood swing and verbally grate on my self esteem….

    Things had been looking better and feeling better since I discovered the wisdom of Rori….we’ve been more congruent until yesterday…….



  271.  #271Blue Eyed Girl on July 7, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Dominique your post at 250 was perfect for me today. Going to reread. Thank you for giving so much of your heart and soul to help others.



  272.  #272Wildgeranium on July 7, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Jammy85– this is the closest I could find on the listening tool.

    Listening at Level 1 is – it’s all about me.

    Listening at Level 2 is – it’s all about you.

    Listening at Level 3 is – it’s all about everything.

    This is what I was taught at Coaches Training Institute, where I learned to be a Life Coach. And it changed my life personally, helped me help you so much more, and is the cornerstone of relating to another human being in a way that allows them to feel HEARD, and for you to feel PRESENT. And practically NO ONE does it.

    So how do you walk around all about everything?

    Let’s say you’re sitting over coffee with some guy. You Riff around in yourself, which is fabulous – that’s what I want you to do, stay in touch with your body and your feelings constantly – and then he talks, and you’re Listening to him at Level 2 by simply being over where he is. Then you’re responding in Feeling Messages by being with yourself at Level 1 and Riffing, and speaking the Truth – and all the while – you’re AWARE of everything that’s going on around you:

    The temperature in the room, the noise level, the air conditioner, the sound of dishes, or cars – and rather than DISTRACTING you from your inner Level 1 Feelings or your Level 2 Listening – it ADDS to the whole thing.

    It puts you in CONTEXT. It makes you feel human. It keeps you from zeroing in on anything.

    In order to do this, you have to sink into yourself, relax your shoulders, do the whole Rori Raye Dance Position, and be WITH everything.

    This will mess with your head.

    It will interrupt your thinking, because you can’t be spinning/thinking and be WITH everything, in the PRESENT, at the same time.

    So try it.

    Sit down with a friend or a co-worker, or stand up with the cashier at the market, and try it.

    When he or she talks, be at Level 3. This means NOT at Level 1 – it means over there with him or her – where they are, and also EXPERIENCING everything else in the environment around you.

    Try it by yourself. Sit or stand in the middle of the room, wherever you are, and see if you can Listen to everything. Everything that’s vibrating, or speaking, or sending energy out into the space, or sucking it down.

    Relax your body in bits and pieces, shoulders first, then thoughts to pelvis, then relax your vagina and expand it sideways – then move around your body and breathe – and see if you can blend this awareness of your body with an awareness of the sound of birds calling outside the window, or the hum of your computer.

    And how does this change your relationship with a man?

    Because your entire “vibe” changes when you do this. You become soft and calm, and so much stronger on the inside. You become present. He feels heard, he feels safe – and he feels like he can’t get superficial, stupid stuff past you. He can feel your depth. YOU can feel your depth. Feeling Messages get easier. You’re breathing.

    Let me know what it feels like for you, and I’ll be doing it today, right along with you. Level 3 from here.



  273.  #273Blue Eyed Girl on July 7, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    I’m new here, but I think I would maybe just listen, hear what he says, but remember attacks are more about him and how he’s feeling than anything about you.



  274.  #274Jammy85 on July 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    He helped me clear my horse’s paddock in the eve after a day away from each other…he seemed disappointed in me for not clearing it for a few days due to poor weather…..it’s a non essential job but piles up quickly so there was a lot for us to do…

    We cleared it together. In silence and bad energy. I said thank you for helping on the way back to the car, he didn’t respond. Silence whilst driving back to his place and when I pulled up outside the house, I didn’t take off my seatbelt. He asked ‘what are you doing’ to which I replied ‘I feel like I’ve pissed you off, perhaps I should go home’ ( worth noting here, I have a tendency to bolt for home when I feel I can’t cope with his mood……don’t think he respects that)

    I sent an apology later that eve stating I’m sorry for the state of the paddock and choosing to go home. I said I wanted to know what it is he wanted from me when I annoy him as I would feel much happier not guessing and especially not guessing wrong. The text ended with ‘what do you think?’

    He replied four hours later saying ‘I am sorry but I can not help you with any of this.’

    I haven’t contacted him since, but he just sent another text saying this: ‘what I needed was for you to realise there is two of us in this relationship, that both of us have feelings and that neither of us is a tool. I can not and will not dictate your path because you will grow to hate me. I do not play games with emotions and would expect the same respect. You have obviously come to your own conclusion and we need to talk.’

    I feel sick. I don’t understand what he’s saying or why. I feel offended that stating my feelings to him makes him think I’m playing games. Grrrrrrrrrr………arrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!



  275.  #275Sassy on July 7, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Then Jammy,

    As Wildgeranium suggests, listen to him, (I trust this convo will be face to face), take note of his body language and how you are feeling as he’s talking.

    You don’t necessarily have to react instantly, take time to process his words thru your body. And remember, men speak their truth in the moment.

    Let us know how it goes, we are all here to support you.



  276.  #276Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Shanta – 264 – This is so lovely and feels so good to read. Thank you, and thank you for allowing me to share in this part of your journey. Please feel free to ask me anything directly. 🙂

    xxoo



  277.  #277Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Blue Eyed Girl – 269 -Sending much love to you. 🙂

    xxoo



  278.  #278Wildgeranium on July 7, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Jammy85,

    From the snippet you shared I am wondering if he feels like a parent to you when what he wants is a partner?

    It sounds like that is a need he has that is not being met.



  279.  #279Dominique on July 7, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Jammy – 265 – As Wildgeranium suggested, listen, simply listen. No defending, no explanations, listen, and thank him for sharing with you whatever it is he shares.

    And then you want to take this away with you, and look deeply inside where any if not all of what he said may be true.

    xxoo



  280.  #280Liquid Light on July 7, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Jammy

    It sounds like you knew he was upset in the car but chose to ignore it. When you listen to him, it may also be worthwhile to make sure he knows you heard him and give him feedback (not just listen and be silent). I dunno, just a thought but if your pattern is to disengage when things get uncomfortable, and that’s not working, then perhaps you should try something different and engage with him more….

    I know I hate being ignored when I’m upset…I also know that in my last relationship, I knew things were off between us but I chose to ignore it as I thought it would get better. (It was the holidays and I just wanted to make it through.) Looking back, I know that was the wrong thing to do because he broke up with me right after the New Year!

    Anyway, that was MY experience, it doesn’t mean that it is relevant to what you’re going through but just thought I’d share it with you in case it’s useful at all…



  281.  #281Jammy85 on July 7, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Thank you girls,

    Wildgeranium I will endeavour to listen with ‘surround sound’ and keep breathing

    Blue eyed girl, I will remember its more about him than me

    Sassy, I will let you know how it goes – gulp!!!

    Much love to you all xx



  282.  #282Jammy85 on July 7, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Just replied with

    ‘it would feel really good to talk about what’s going on and solve some of it. When would be a good time?’

    How does that sound?

    Xx



  283.  #283Zia on July 7, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Heart 184: He ditched the friend too, and I did mention it to the friend when we first broke up and he had no idea he thought that either and was pretty angry about the accusations (as he should be!). But yeah, I guess I just wondered if he still thought that – the fact that he does means it would never work. The only way I would have given things another chance is if he got to the point where he’d be able to see it was all him and i did nothing wrong, but he still doesn’t believe me when I say I never cheated, would never cheat. I never have, ever. In my 9 year relationship I had feelings for other people a couple of times, it was confusing and I told my partner at the time about it so we could work through it. I’d prefer to get it out in the open or work through it (and having had that experience in the past, I think I could work through it on my own) than ever do anything behind someone’s back.



  284.  #284Zia on July 7, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Heart 184: He ditched the friend too, and I did mention it to the friend when we first broke up and he had no idea he thought that either and was pretty angry about the accusations (as he should be!). But yeah, I guess I just wondered if he still thought that – the fact that he does means it would never work. The only way I would have given things another chance is if he got to the point where he’d be able to see it was all him and i did nothing wrong, but he still doesn’t believe me when I say I never cheated, would never cheat. I never have, ever. In my 9 year relationship I had feelings for other people a couple of times, it was confusing and I told my partner at the time about it so we could work through it. I’d prefer to get it out in the open or work through it (and having had that experience in the past, I think I could work through it on my own) than ever do anything behind someone’s back.



  285.  #285Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    90 Vi

    🙂

    xxx



  286.  #286Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    109 Melanie

    My pleasure 🙂

    xxx



  287.  #287Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    185 Angela

    _____________________________________
    Benaddette says:

    Hi Rori,

    I love your newsletters, however have not purchased any of your programs, due to finances. I am a sinngle Mom of 3. Married for 14 yrs and recently divorced.
    I guess, I feel like exploring my sexuality since my X was not much into it.
    So I had a date and broke all my rules, was intimate on the 1st date, but this is the only man I have been with besides my X, I saved sex for marriage.
    This guy is so sexual, I sense he has been with alot of women, and I do not like this idea, even if we use protection.
    How do I slow it down and find out what he is really all about. I have asked him nicely to stop turning the conversation to sex all of the time but he just sort of laughs.
    I have said to myself that if I get into a serious relationship there will be sex and that is OK, I just do not know if he is the one. My gut says to try to get rid of him.?

    thanks for any input you may have,
    Bernaddette.

    Monday, 7 December 2009

    => 10: Rori Raye says:

    Whoa, Bernaddette, Welcome – and you sound like you’re on a grand adventure here!!! There’s just no way you’re going to know ANYTHING about dating, or men in general, or a man in particular right now. It’s like you’re a newly-hatched chick!!! You get to make “mistakes.” You get to “experiment.” Please don’t worry so much about what’s “right” – (just stay protected physically as much as you can.) – you’re going to find out what’s right for YOU as you go along. Just feel your way. Now that you’ve jumped into sex – you get to slow down a bit and just see how you feel. You really can’t make a mistake at this point. If you want to spend time with a man, do it. If you want to sleep with him, do it. Date lots and lots of men. Circular Date. Learn to use the Tools everywhere and anywhere…We’ll all help. Focus on you, and don’t worry about “outcomes” – only EXPERIENCES. Okay? Love, Rori – I know I speak for us all when I say I’m truly looking forward to hearing about all your adventures on this journey. Love, Rori



  288.  #288Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Reshi says:

    I was raised in a culture that believed strongly that a girl had to be a virgin at marriage, otherwise she would have no value. And furthermore, I was taught that if I had sex outside of marriage, the guy would completely lose respect for me and I would be alone, pregnant, and diseased!

    And I’m a highly, highly sexual person. I hit puberty when I was 8, and wanted children right then and there. I have ridiculous curves and the so-called perfect 0.7 waist-hip ratio. And during most of my young life it was a constant struggle to keep my feelings under wraps. They were sublimated into all sorts of creative endeavor and that was great, but I also spent years feeling like I was defective and UGLY because boys weren’t interested in me and seemed to like girls who looked more like boys. People told me they could SEE the sexual frustration on me–and that was humiliating!

    I dated only a few guys. Icky guys, guys I wasn’t attracted to, guys who tried to pressure me sexually, guys who lost interest when they realized I’d never go all the way. And then I found a man who was attractive and interesting and passionately interested in ME. And he RESPECTED that I didn’t want to have sex before I was married…though damned if we didn’t get close to it more than once in the meantime.

    I wasn’t prepared for how much I would change with sex. I went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds and suddenly wanted it ALL THE TIME. And this is completely understandable after holding out for 25 years, no?

    But also kind of unrealistic to expect the man who dated me for 2 years with no sex to suddenly turn into a sex maniac after marriage. And this dynamic pretty much continued between us, creating conflict and eroding our relationship and destroying his love for me, until now.

    I wonder if, given this, I would have been better off learning about sex BEFORE I was married. But the fact is it probably would have been worse. I wasn’t in a good place INSIDE. I never loved myself at all until I was 23 and even then there were parts of me I hated. I am sure I would have therefore attracted all kinds of Toxic Men to make me feel even worse about myself.

    So I can move forward with no regrets. What happened was exactly what needed to happen. It doesn’t keep heartbreak from hurting, but at least I don’t have to pile guilt and regret and self-judgment on top of the pain.

    I don’t know at this point who I want to be sexually. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go back to pursuing what I was trying to get during the past 6 years of my marriage–as if having sex a certain number of times a week would magically make him love me more. It’s pretty clear that what I really want is LOVE that is sometimes expressed sexually–but it’s easier to just go for the sex–even when doing that creates intense rejection and DESTROYS love. So I’m working on loving MYSELF in that way now…and maybe after that it will become more clear whether or not my man can love me that way.

    Friday, 31 October 2008

    => 5: Rori Raye says:

    Reshi – You’re doing fantastic – and your situation is so common – people who are very careful to not have sex before marriage (I work with many religious Christians who are very strict about this) – can go a long time together before having sex – in your case 2 years is a VERY long time.

    And after a while it becomes artificial. After a while, you have to question the why of it.

    Many people are having difficulties with sex these days. Men are losing their libido, believe it or not, and are quite easily talked into backing away from sex – because it’s also permission to back away from emotional INTIMACY.

    For some men, it’s a RELIEF to not have sex, because of fears of getting more emotionally intimate.

    And often, people will marry a completely inappropriate partner just BECAUSE of sex. They feel that if they’ve already put in a year with someone, it will take them longer to find someone else and get married to have sex, so they stick with it.

    Or they get married too soon in order to have sex in an “okay” way.

    In other words – WAY too much emphasis is put on sex – either doing it or resisting doing it.

    What you had was a man who was willing to tolerate going 2 years without sex. That is a long, and in my opinion (after a certain age, let’s say somewhere in your early 20′s) unnatural way to be in an exclusive romantic relationship.

    As you say – you could almost bet that a man who is willing to do that is not highly sexual.

    A highly sexual man would not tolerate that. He’d find some other way to either marry you or leave you for another woman.

    This is complex – but what you have to do here is TALK to him about all this – and see if you can rekindle his sexual energy.

    In the meantime – keep expressing your own sexual energy, on your own, with yourself. Love, Rori

    Friday, 31 October 2008



  289.  #289Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Felicity says:

    Hi Rori

    I am in a similar situation and so thought I would post something. Firstly can I say how much your phone conferences helped me!!!! It was almost 2 years ago now and I can still hear your words of wisdom in my ears.. thanks is not a big enough word for all that you did. I have just recently started dating and have been on a few dates with one guy in particular. He is very keen and wanted sex straight away, I said I did not feel comfortable and he was okay with that and said it is sometimes better to wait as it makes it more meaningful. my problem is that I have been so starved and neglected emotionally for so many years that this handsome kind man comes along and I go to pieces. I feel like he should go stand somewhere else and just wave at me or some other non threatening thing like that as I can’t handle the way he looks at me and the compliements…anyway I want to have sex but then I also don’t want to as I don’t really know this guy. My ex fed me so many lies for the 10 years we were married that it is hard to know when to trust. he gave me the spiel about loosing his labido..he obviously found it at his girlfriends house…. he told me that he was just tired so years and years of virtually no sex made it “normal” and so now that this man has turned up..he contacts me when he says he will he sits and looks me in the eye while I am talking. he plans dates and constantly asks if I am ok and brings a coat just in case I am cold….what the hell??? I have never ever had that before!!!! so yes I want to be close to him and we have fooled around and it feels great but then I feel this urge to explain why I don’t wnat to have sex and then I go home thinking why not?? so anyway I keep thinking maybe I should go out with others but am not sure if my poor overwhelmed head can handle that. don’t know if you remember but I have two kids and my ex moved back to the US pretty much as soon as he had gotten rid of me. i have started Uni full time and am moving house so somehow I have to work in the midst of all that too ….not sure if I can handle dating more then one guy??? I am tired just thinking about it and am still trying to feel something..you will be pleased to know that I can FINALLY melt.. when I was speaking to you I could not melt at all..how sad is that!!! anyway I have made big changes and I can feel things now, losing Dad so close to losing my husband (10 days apart) was pretty horrifying but I am doing well now..anyway any words of wisdom would be so appreciated!!!
    thanks

    Sunday, 24 January 2010

    => 12: Rori Raye says:

    Oh, Felicity, so great to hear from you here, and SO glad you’ve had so many new experiences since last we talked. This guy sounds like a pretty good practice arena. Circular Dating doesn’t require you to actually “date” – it’s just about using the Tools with every man who comes into your space – so thin of it that way and do that – it will keep you sane and steady. From what I hear… and I know I will draw a lot of controversy with this…it seems to me you’re overdue for some sex. You refer to yourself as starved and neglected – and sometimes the only way to break that “label” is to get yourself some pleasure. The longer you wait to “experiment” with this, the more importance you’ll put on it. You deserve pleasure. Can you baby-step your way to that with the “fooling around” and melting practice? I don’t think this guy is going to disappear because you need to go slow with sex, and I don’t think he’s going to disappear once you do heave sex, either. It’s a matter of you FEELING in control of YOU, and your feelings and decisions – and just following what feels good to you. Getting attention, affection, cherishing is so foreign to you after what you’ve been through – it’s to be expected that it would feel weird. Just keep baby stepping. I’m not sure that what you need right now is anything “serious,” so try not to attach rules to the way this is going. This is going to be an ongoing experiment for you – some days good, some days a little off…until the good start to outnumber the off and you feel STRONG…in a way you never, ever have before. BRAVA to you! Love, Rori

    Sunday, 24 January 2010



  290.  #290Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Should You Have Sex?
    From Rori Raye

    I see sex as a powerful Tool to get closer to a man, closer to yourself, and yes – closer to God and the Universe. I see sex as an animal joy and a spiritual miracle, and I am not one to promote celibacy (and I have a 20 year-old daughter and can still say that).

    That said, most of us are not in full command of this power of sex, and instead get caught up by our hormones when we have sex with a man.

    We are not like men when it comes to sex – and yet, men are capable of the full array of emotions that often cannot be fully expressed WITHOUT sex.

    At some point, for a healthy masculine man, a relationship will die without sex. It will simply not feed the greater growth of his emotions.

    And for emotionally unhealthy men, the greater growth is more than he can handle.

    My past is full of “serial” relationships and boyfriends, one after the other, all of whom I had sex with. Whatever drove me to jump in so fast (literally) – I know that sometimes I beat myself up over my poor choice because THEY liked ME so much more than I liked them, and most often I beat myself up because I loved them and they didn’t care all that much.

    And now I don’t believe that sex had anything to do with it. At that time in my life I needed closeness and affection and to be touched, and I got that for myself however I could, even if it meant deceiving myself. And I believe that that was my “path.” That was my “journey.” whatever happened, and whatever I did and didn’t do, whatever mistakes I made – they were a part of who I am now, and I choose to rejoice in who I am now – so – I MUST, then, logically – rejoice in who I WAS.

    And I don’t see that having “sex” was necessarily a mistake. What I see is how clearly I mixed sex up with love and affection, and how I took the “crumbs” of sex rather than actually looking for the whole enchilada.

    And most important – I see that I almost DELIBERATELY took those crumbs because I was deeply AFRAID of the whole enchilada. I had no idea what it looked like, felt like – or what it even meant. Sex had nothing to do with it.

    I can remember nearly every experience I ever had with a man – sexual and non-sexual – and I can also see how each one was a DIFFERENT learning experience – though they all followed the same pattern.

    I can look back and see the men I felt strongly for, and the men I TRIED to feel strongly for. I remember how sex fit into the experience for me, how it intensified my feelings or dropped them into the garbage.

    So – I want you to follow YOUR path. Your journey. And the only thing I want to say about sex is that, as powerful as it is – it cannot CHANGE anyone’s mind. It can deepen love, and it can liberate the body and spirit, and it can feel cold and coarse and empty, too. But it cannot change his mind. It cannot bind him to you.

    What it can do – through the way our female hormone’s work – is to bind US to a man. It binds us in a physical way that feels like love, but often isn’t love at all. And that’s the problem.

    When we are bound, too soon, before we feel secure and happy, to a man on our hormonal level – we run the risk of talking the rest of ourselves into love, whether it’s there or not, or even good for us or not.

    And then that can turn into self-deception that damages our entire sense of ourselves.

    So – I say a rock-star free spirit woman who can stay in touch with her body, knows what her hormones tell her is not always the truth, and ALWAYS stays in love with HERSELF – can do ANYTHING. Including having sex with as many men at one time or in serial relationships, or any way she wants to, as is humanly possible.

    Find where YOU are on this journey. Find what will serve YOU best. Imagine what kind of woman YOU want to be. Don’t let anyone put rules on you.

    Stay in touch with how you feel about YOU – and you’ll be great.

    Love, Rori



  291.  #291Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    If He’s Too Suggestive Too Soon – What To Do
    By Rori Raye

    Here’s a great question from Deidre about a truly common issue with some men:

    “Rori, I live in a large metro area, and one man I Circular Dating lives about 45 minutes away. We have a date for dinner & dancing tomorrow night, this will be our second date. He asked if he could pick me up (I met him at the coffee shop the first time we met).

    I felt weird when he asked me, and was not sure if it was a good idea, but I want to move out of my comfort zone and experience new things, so I said yes. We were talking on the phone the other night and he made suggestive comments.

    One of the comments he suggested we have a “pre-dinner” drink when he picked me up and we may not make it to dinner!” and said “I feel very warm, I believe I am blushing,” to which he responded by laughing and saying how much he liked me. We talked about dancing and he mentioned how dancing is very intimate. I said I felt apprehensive because I have not been dancing for many years; he said not to worry that he doesn’t think anyone will be watching me, except him. It felt thrilling to be flirted with, and I enjoyed the attention.

    Today I have been thinking about this conversation, and am worried that he may want to stay when he takes me home. I have wrote some scripts but I’m wondering about timing – should I wait and see what transpires, but have a script ready for a few scenarios? Or do I bring it up at dinner?

    I feel more confident since Circular Dating, and I want to continue to practice my feeling messages. What do you think?

    => My Answer:

    What a great situation and question! This is the point at which you have to SPEAK!!!

    And speak the truth – just as you’ve told it to us here.

    You need to simply feel powerful enough to be able to say “No” no matter what.

    This isn’t about sex – you can have sex with a man whenever you want and it’ll make no difference to the relationship.

    This is about YOUR confidence, what you want, and your FEAR of your lack of confidence and displeasing a man.

    Write yourself a speech like this one – where you say you… felt so flattered by his flirting, and yet you’re kind of new to dating, and so it feels a bit overwhelming, and it would feel best to just be clear about sex, since it got brought up. That you really like him, and aren’t ruling out sex once you get to know him better, but that you’re a slow starter and may need some time to just really make out with him first!

    Don’t give a timeline, or how many dates…just – if he brings it up again, or is suggestive – get straight with him.

    And then – if you like him and feel attracted to him – DO make out with him – and say NO when you’ve gone as far as you want to go.

    If he doesn’t call again – well, then you’ve smoked him out!

    Love, Rori



  292.  #292Zara on July 7, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    How Many Men Can You Have Sex With At the Same Time (On Different Days, Anyway)
    By Rori Raye 2 December 2009

    Here’s some clarification about how to handle sex when you’re Circular Dating – a jump-off from a letter:

    “Hi Rori,
    Just wanted to say you are an amazing woman and you given me my power back with the Targeting Mr Right program.

    I’m in an exclusive relationship and about to give my man the no-boyfriend speech. I have already met someone and starting the circular dating process.

    It feels daunting and I’m scared of the fact that I may lose him completely when he discovers that I want to just date him and not be exclusive with him any more, but I guess he’s not offering me a lifelong commitment which is what I want.
    .
    Rori I am a little confused with the sexual exclusivity process on your DVD’s. If I’m sleeping and dating guy A and I now meet guy B who I want to sleep with, do I drop guy A from the rotation, how do I handle the situation with guy A? You said one partner at a time. I’m feeling a little confused with the information, please clarify. Thank you, Shirley”

    => Here’s my answer:

    First – you need to know if you have an actual sexual exclusivity deal with guy A.

    If you do, then you know, by sleeping with guy B, you will have to tell Guy A about it before you sleep with HIM again.

    That’s the only truthful thing to do.

    So…if you’re willing to give guy A up for guy B because guy A will not stand a “multi-amorous” (I just made that up) relationship with you, then you’re fine.

    But you have to also be fine with guy B not picking up the ball and running with it.

    If you can be a Rock Star, and just date men in the service of healing yourself and learning so much that the most fabulous man will show up for you – then you won’t CARE what happens. You will date, you will take lovers, you will tell the truth, and you will be happy – no matter what any of the men choose to do.

    Bottom line, a man who cannot commit to you forever cannot have you all to himself.

    And, if you are a woman who can have more than one lover at a time without getting hung up on any part of the connection – then you can do whatever you want!

    I certainly would not sleep with Guy B until he meets the qualifications of being around you long enough that you KNOW you feel good around him and that he’s truly interested in forever with you.

    And you do not have to tell Guy A a thing (unless you DID have an exclusive relationship and were not truthful with him about dating other men) – until he moves to have sex with you.

    Then you have to talk. You let him know that one of your dates has moved into the physical, and you don’t want to hurt him, but that honesty and openness are important to you, and that…again, you don’t want to put pressure on your relationship with him, and so you need to explore all your options until he makes a decision.

    This can loosely be called “polyamory.” It simply means, in this context, having meaningful, fully sexual relationships with more than one man, openly. (No lying, so no cheating.)

    Sounds pretty “Rock Star” to me.

    But what you don’t want to do is get into one-night-stands, and letting your sexuality get spread around to men who are NOT intent on having a “meaningful relationship” with you. Sometimes you’ll make “mistakes” – and that simply means that the outcomes and results don’t feel good to you. And with sex, you have the extra responsibility of safety precautions, which requires a real conversation with a man, and is good practice around Speaking Your Truth all by itself!

    And that’s why I say – Start with the idea of one sexual partner at a time. It gives you a chance to discover what’s going on with a man, and how you feel about YOU in his presence. It helps you be more “methodical” with Circular Dating – it’s the one place I want you to use your brain to plan your schedule and keep track of the Tools you’re using and how you’re feeling every step of the way.

    It helps you feel like you’re in control, it keeps you from getting carried away by “chemistry” before you’ve found how you FEEL about the quality of the emotional connection between you and a man.

    It helps you AVOID drama that will just kick in your resistance to your feelings all over again, and push you further away from yourself.

    Sex has a way of intensifying everything…and with Circular Dating we’re not looking for “intensity.” We’re looking for a cool head. We’re looking for moving slowly, taking time for the 6 Good E’s – for experiencing and experimenting, exploring, engaging, expressing, expanding…for feeling your way through in a deeper way than you’ve ever allowed yourself to live before.

    Circular Dating and Targeting Mr. Right is about Responding rather than “reacting.” A reaction is most often an old pattern – it’s what you’ve always done before, it’s automatic, it’s not deeply felt. It’s what you do when you’re not in touch with yourself and your real feelings in the moment. It’s what you do as a defense, as a protection.

    A Response comes from YOU, from your feelings, from your awareness of what feels good. Responding comes with practice. The more you practice finding and expressing your feelings, the deeper and more satisfying the response. The more you practice, the less tension and the more joy.

    So what we’re concerned with here is making the nuts-and-bolts of how you Circular Date and the rules you create for yourself around sex HELP you practice Responding in an ever deeper, happier, more blissful and easy way. And there are many ways to get there.

    This is a huge topic, and I’ll be getting more into this. I was pretty wild in one period of my life, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything – so I do know something about juggling men – but I never did it in a way that had more than momentary good-feeling results (and not because sex was involved, but because I did not then value myself wholly and know how to just BE with a man in other ways).

    I met a woman awhile back who was newly engaged to one of three men she had been involved with – in meaningful, serious relationships – all at the same time. She’s married to him, now, and they’re extraordinarily well-matched and happy. I’m going to try to corral her for an interview for my Relationship Interview Series – or at least get her story for a post here…

    Whether or not you include sex in Circular Dating is something you can experiment with. We’re all different, we’re all in different places. Let me know your stories, what you think, what you feel, your questions about how to go about doing this if you want to try, and how even talking about it triggers you!



  293.  #293Blue Eyed Girl on July 7, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Awww…my guy came by to stick something in my freezer (he was out running errands and it would go bad in the heat) and was in a hurry. He mentioned coming by the pool and told him not to worry about it. He said (in a sweet way) get up and come give me a kiss. <3 He's not super affectionate, so that was awesome. No expectations, enjoy him in his own way, focus on the positive, no pressure….to borrow Beloved's (I think) word… yum. Thankyoumoreplease 🙂



  294.  #294Sassy on July 7, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Blue eyed girl,

    Yay you, that’s great!



  295.  #295Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Feeling curious. Although this will not happen, I am curious as to how I would react right now….tonight…..if GS said he wanted to come over. Part of me would like that – to be near him, the familiarity, his touch. But there is another part that is stronger. I want him to truly BE HIM – the normal version of himself when he is in a position to truly give whatever he can (whatever that is) to me.

    My soon to be ex husband was horrible, HORRIBLE, to me today. That is a gift. It reminds me of why I’m divorcing him. I actually told him thank you. Thank you for reminding me (not that I needed it) exactly why I dont ever want to be with you again. 🙂

    I asked CollegeCD this morning for some help on the computer – he is a tech guy. We texted back and forth for a few minutes, and then……HE CALLED ME!!!!! I WAS SHOCKED!!!!! So we talked about a half an hour, and he really helped me. It was nice to know that he was that interested to drop everything and help me. He checked on me later in the day too to see how things were going etc.

    But although he has said “We definitely need to find a time that we can get together again” he has not actually proposed any time. I wonder if he is waiting for me to actually file the divorce paperwork? (That will happen in about 2 weeks) Maybe he just has his children and he wasnt able to get away on a date? I dont know. But not my problem…..I”m not worried or upset…..just curious.

    I am going to really really think tonight (while I take a bubble bath and then paint my toenails) whether or not I want to do no contact with GS for a while. I dont want to do that with an ulterior motive to try to get him to come back to me. I want whatever decision I make to be the best for ME. I cant sort it out in my own head yet. Part of me truly enjoys being just his friend. Part of me thinks that when I am away from him, its easier for me to think about CollegeCD and things I want to do around my house. I’m just thinking…..marinating……enjoying the fact that *I* get to make this decision for MYSELF. 🙂 I feel dignity. I feel power. I feel like I am taking care of myself by thinking about this.



  296.  #296Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    I feel cold and shut down … I feel done … hmm … okay that’s how I feel … I feel uninterested in personal relationships of any kind … I wonder if I can love my cold and shut down …



  297.  #297Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    After that guy left my apartment back in February, I sat down and the first thing I did literally moments after he left … was record a disappointment video. I listened to it again the other day, and I was tapping, “Even though I feel so disappointed … I don’t even know where to begin …”

    And that is how I feel about men and dating and relationships in general … it really doesn’t matter if they are more into me or I’m more into them … it just feels disappointing. It feels horribly disappointing if I have to coach them. That’s why I stopped dating. And it feels horribly disappointing if things actually go splendidly and that scares the crap out of them and they run. And I just don’t feel like dealing with it anymore. I don’t feel like expressing the obvious anymore. I feel cold and shut down. I don’t feel like dealing with any more disappointment. And even when I look at relationships that are supposedly going well, I have a sneaking suspicion that I would not be happy in those relationships. Maybe I’m just not made out for this kind of relationship. I’m really not feeling interested in trying anymore.

    That video, it was so poignant watching myself again … the helplessness of the disappointment and the overwhelm of how many “issues” there were … and he actually thought it “went well” … that was even more horrifying to me … if I were going to coach that guy, I wouldn’t even know where to begin … the issues were so systemic … and so little awareness … and I just don’t know if I can do this anymore …

    wow, I feel heartbroken



  298.  #298Wildgeranium on July 7, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    293.

    Elsie,

    It sounds like you are resisting just focusing on yourself. Your mind is turning GS, CollegeCD and maybe your EX over and over. By focusing on them, what are you avoiding in yourself?

    By creating a “situation” with GS– contact or no contact– you are creating a problem that does not need to be solved. Just leave it alone. It seems nearly impossible, since you work together, to do no contact.

    To me, it looks like you are already leaning forward with college cd. Being too available and starting to build expectations of what might happen. If you are too available via text, why would he even need to make a date to see you again? Wondering anything about why or what he is doing is leaning forward. Asking for help is leaning forward.

    I sense a very nervous, obsessive vibe from your posts. Underneath that vibe is something you really need to get to. It’s crucial. That inward focus is what you need to stop resisting. The first step is to look at how all the resisting shows up. It’s not always obvious.



  299.  #299Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Wild Geranium 296, that feels true.

    What are all of us avoiding? I know this disappointment is one of the feelings I’ve been avoiding. And probably the nothingness of it all. The meaninglessness of the dating and mating rituals. The feeling of big empty void. I wonder what else I’m still avoiding ..



  300.  #300Femininewoman on July 7, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    hhhhhhmmmmm



  301.  #301Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    What happens if I don’t just walk away from a man … what happens if I walk away from the entire idea of romantic relationships .. forever? Then what? Then as far as I can tell, pretty much all my problems have been solved. I could focus on the reversal of aging in a more committed way.



  302.  #302Vi on July 7, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I love my pms sadness.



  303.  #303Zara on July 7, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    116 Sassy

    You are welcome, hugs to you and sending courage your way. Clarity can be yours.
    http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=8Jai3xMg4gs

    xxx



  304.  #304Melanie Murphy Myer on July 7, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I feel mildly surprised and curious reading about disappointment here tonight, because after transforming many deeper feelings around relationships (feelings of abandonment, “not wanted,” loneliness, longing, etc.) over the past few years, the most recent feeling that has come up for me is disappointment.

    It has been very interesting to me because it is a lot less painful than previous feelings. I have been wondering if it is the last vestiges of my “unconscious definition of love” (Michael Brown’s term).

    It would feel great to finally finish integrating all the uncomfortable associations of love from the past, and be free to give and receive love unconditionally with no sinking down into stories and primal pain.



  305.  #305Vi on July 7, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    I feel content noticing I feel relaxed while feeling it. And it feels easier to feel through sadness wearing the jeans I always wanted by the way.



  306.  #306Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    “It would feel great to finally finish integrating all the uncomfortable associations of love from the past, and be free to give and receive love unconditionally with no sinking down into stories and primal pain.”

    That would feel great, MMM.

    I also am wondering if the nature of couplehood for me has pain inherent in it. Pain that perhaps cannot be removed except by walking away from the special relationship. I know I am done with pain, and I notice that I feel better as soon as I talk about walking away from the whole concept of “romantic” relationships. I know they never made me happy even when they went “well.” I notice that without this problem I don’t have any problems. All my problems have been solved. I feel open to something entirely new, which may not involve being in a couple at all.



  307.  #307Wildgeranium on July 7, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    297.

    I suppose everyone has something particular to themselves that they are avoiding…

    I feel incredibly uncomfortable just being in any given moment without trying to change it.

    Intimacy is uncomfortable. I avoid it. Realizing that is really hard. I feel sad.

    I’ve worked so hard on all my stuff just to find out that its never going to “Fixed” in the way I thought it would. Like Rori says, I need to love my stuff and let it know I’m in charge.

    Resisting the moment is uncomfortable. Like Mercedes’ Yoga teaching- holding your breath is uncomfortable.

    I feel adrift lately. My boyfriend says that is actually a good thing. It means I’m not resisting so much. Not trying to control as much.



  308.  #308Melanie Murphy Myer on July 7, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    That sounds wonderful, Erika – for you to have all your problems solved. 🙂

    For me, I find that relationships serve to transform my pain – by bringing it into awareness so that I can feel it and dissolve it into joy. All the transformation I described in my previous post took place within the school of relationship.

    However, I have lately thought that perhaps I am not ultimately meant to be in a “couple.” Perhaps my journey of love will take me elsewhere. I am still uncertain about this, and I admit I resist the idea; it is not what I want. But I am open to all possibilities and believe there are no limits to love.

    Reminds me of that Martina McBride song, “Love’s the only house big enough for all the pain in the world.”

    ~ Melanie



  309.  #309Elsie on July 7, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    @WildGeranium – I’m sorry but you must have misunderstood. I am totally focused on ME. I do not live in a vaccuum. I live in a world. Other people live there too. I am figuring out how I want to RELATE to other people in the world. Who I am. What I want. What I need. Who I want to be. What I like about myself. What I want to change about myself. The way to do that is to see myself in situations and see what feels good to ME. I’m so sorry if you dont understand that or if that isnt really coming across right. Perhaps I’m not explaining it well. My focus is not on them at all.

    Its like gestalt. You only know what blue is when you see it in context of other colors. Buddhism has a similar philosophy of the yin/yang. You only know what something is by what it isnt.

    🙂 Having a great night by the way 🙂



  310.  #310Melanie Murphy Myer on July 7, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Wildgeranium,

    “Intimacy is uncomfortable. I avoid it. Realizing that is really hard. I feel sad.”

    I think that’s a great realization. Awareness is the first step. When we don’t know that we find intimacy uncomfortable, when we don’t know that we avoid it, we keep sabotaging ourselves without realizing what we’re doing.

    Once we realize it, we can face it squarely and bravely if we choose. We can feel proud of ourselves for each little step in that direction, knowing how challenging it is for us.

    Does that make sense to you or is it just me? 🙂

    ~ Melanie



  311.  #311Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I feel adrift lately too. I often feel purposeless and floaty. I look back on times in my life when I accomplished so much, and even thinking about it feels exhausting. I can’t believe what I used to do, probably in service of avoidance. I would drive up to Tahoe one day and back the next, and paint the house while I was there. With cats in tow. Rushing back to a job on Monday morning. I must have been insane lol.

    Wow I’ve had pain triggered yes in couple type relationships and also in my business, in friendships, from internet strangers, and being alone. For me anything can be a trigger and a healing. What I’m noticing right now is that most of the business and stranger and alone stuff all sorted itself out … while the couple thing never seems to … it’s like a problem that just keeps moving around instead of getting solved. And of course ACIM talks about this, that eventually the special relationship must simply be let go … and what that looks like I don’t know …



  312.  #312Melanie Murphy Myer on July 7, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    “For me anything can be a trigger and a healing. What I’m noticing right now is that most of the business and stranger and alone stuff all sorted itself out … while the couple thing never seems to … ”

    Yes, that has been my experience too – except that I can tell I am getting closer and closer to the couple thing getting sorted (one way or the other). This is because I have (over the past few years) chosen to deliberately enter the “school of relationship” with a conscious intention to use it for transformation. It seems to do a deeper work than other types of triggers, presumably because of the degree of intimacy it calls for (which is also the bigger challenge).

    And the question that remains is, if/when I finish that school, do I graduate to a deeply fulfilling partner relationship or do I graduate to something else? 🙂 It is the cliff I am jumping off. Haha. 🙂



  313.  #313Erika Awakening on July 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Yea I’m not sure. All I know is in this moment, my intuition says to forget about the special relationship entirely.

    Oh, and pets. I did a huge amount of sexual and motherhood and relationship healing with my cat’s medical situation. Talk about triggering. Wow did that feel intense. It felt like I was going to drown in the grief and terror. We came out on the other side though.



  314.  #314Veronica on July 8, 2013 at 1:00 am

    Jammy85,

    Here’s a newsletter that I got from Rori recently that speaks about anger. I don’t know if we’re allowed to post the newsletters. I’ve edited the links out to foreground her thoughts and ideas around anger – they’re links to the Love Scripts and Toxic Men programmes, which I’m sure you’ll be able to find on her website. I hope this helps you as much as it helps me. Hugs to you.

    Your words have the power to dissolve tension and create instant intimacy…here’s how
    By Rori Raye

    We women are taught to “work” at a relationship, because we assume men don’t want to do any work. We think we need to do more to create the intimacy and connection we want.

    The truth is that what does work is being totally authentic, totally you, totally speaking the truth WITHOUT making him responsible for anything you feel – and yet, at the same time keeping your heart completely open and warm to him.

    In other words, it’s not about HIM – it’s about YOU… and my Love Scripts program will teach you exactly how to use your own, true emotions to bind a man to you. To stop him from withdrawing or going cold and bring out the best in him!

    The oldest trick in the book is “playing hard to get” with a man, and we ALL know it works – for about 5 minutes, or maybe a week.

    But playing ANYTHING doesn’t work for the long run. First, because it’s impossible to keep up forever, and because it feels so “inauthentic” to us – and more important – it feels so “inauthentic” to a man, that it ends up making things worse.

    And we all know that our inner confidence and sense of self-esteem is what drives what I call your “Degree of Difficulty” – which is not “playing” hard to get, but BEING hard to get.

    The Power In The Words You Choose

    What I want to give you here – right now – is how words can beef up your inner self-confidence and raise your Degree of Difficulty, and how to use words to make the crucial difference in your everyday conversation with any man.

    Let’s start with something you may have encountered – and that’s how anger gets all twisted…

    How, instead of firing up passion in a conversation with a man, an evening with him, or an entire relationship or marriage with him – anger, used the wrong way, makes all the good feelings just disappear.

    It makes a man close down and withdraw, and it makes you close down your heart, too.

    How Men Handle Anger

    Men are pretty predictable when it comes to anger, and yet, we women are way more complex.

    A man gets angry when he feels bad about himself. He may be feeling ineffectual – that he can’t make something happen. That he can’t change his circumstances, or help someone, or – most important – make you happy. He may feel like he’s always disappointing you. Or…

    He may feel guilty because he knows he’s done something bad, something that hurt you, something that makes him feel like less of a man. And so he goes right back to the place where he feels ineffectual to make you happy.

    He may feel like he screws up all the time (and maybe he does – and I certainly don’t want to see you with a man who’s always hurting you and disappointing you).

    How Anger Coming From Guilt Or Feeling Ineffectual Looks

    • He barks
    • He blames you for anything he can find, puts you down, attacks you, brings up stuff he knows will push your buttons
    • He asks questions he knows will start a fight, trying to provoke you to attack him
    • He withdraws
    • He gets sullen, quiet, depressed
    • He gets sick, tired, fatigued, listless, loses his interest in sex, starts watching TV, buries himself in work, hobbies or friends
    • Maybe he starts up with other women

    How these responses started happening has nothing to do with you. They’re habitual patterns he discovered and used as survival mechanisms when he was growing up. You DIDN’T create this in him. And yet – you’re walking into it! You’ve now become a part of his web of behavior – and everything you do and say is likely to trigger him just like he got triggered long ago.

    The same is true for you – he’s walking into YOUR web of love patterns – and he likely triggers you all the time, too…

    Only the way you respond is likely very different than the way he does. In fact, you may respond in a completely opposite way. So, when you say or do something that triggers him and he does what he’s always done, then YOU will feel triggered and do what YOU’VE always done!

    How Love Scripts Can Make All The Difference

    If you can learn to watch for your reactions when he responds to a trigger – so that YOU change what YOU do, and do something different – you can turn this whole thing around.

    All a man wants is to feel good. He wants to feel like he’s not disappointing you. That he’s NOT ineffectual. He wants to be your hero.

    Only, when he’s acting in the ways I’ve described above, he doesn’t seem very heroic to you. And so it’s hard to know what to say or do.

    We women often make the mistake of HELPING. We somehow think that telling him it’s “all alright” will help. When, actually, that just pushes him away! It pushes him even further into the nightmare of feeling “mothered” by you – and so it pushes him back into his old web where he’ll get even more triggered.

    What you want to do here is respond like a woman from his present, not a woman from his past:

    You Don’t Want To Go Into His Web…

    You want to stay in your emotional space! So, here are some words you can use when you know something isn’t going right:
    1. I’m feeling weird, is there something I should know?
    2. I’m feeling quiet. (And then you say and do nothing.)
    3. I’m feeling the silence here… it feels… hard…
    4. I’m feeling so much anger. I don’t know if it’s mine or yours.
    5. Ouch.
    6. Ick.
    7. Owww.
    8. I’m feeling all closed in, some air would feel good (and then you go out for a walk or drive to the market and walk around, or to the nearest coffee house, or the gym…).
    9. I’m feeling a carnival of feelings inside me all jumping around… I feel terrified that you’re mad at me, and I feel furious at you, too.

    And Here’s The Best Solution…

    Get YOURSELF happy. Find out what floats your boat and go do it, then, enjoy the feeling. Feel the feeling:
    • Get silly, laugh.
    • In his presence: Find all the humor you can in everything. Don’t make jokes, just laugh – at things YOU forgot, at things YOU saw during the day.
    • Practice enjoying your life regardless of how he’s behaving.

    Words Count. You can almost heal your own self – and him – with your words and body language, if you know how to use them.

    So much of my work with my private clients is about “scripting.”

    Because we’re working one-on-one, I’m able to role-play with my client, and it makes it so much easier for her to know what to say and do when the situation shows up again (and it always DOES show up again.)

    That’s why I created my Love Scripts program – to pretty much “put words in your mouth” and to teach you how to “script” and write “speeches” for yourself that will WORK.

    Love Scripts works whether you’re single and look for your Mr. Right… or whether you’ve been in a committed relationship for decades.

    I know Love Scripts will raise your self-confidence by putting Tools in your hand that you can use instantly.

    An Important Word About Anger

    You should never feel threatened in a relationship. Anger is a normal human emotion, but how do you know if a man’s behavior and his response to anger is normal… or whether he is dangerous and you should not be in a relationship with him?

    This is such an important issue, that I created an entire program to address it. Toxic Men will help you figure out whether the man you’re with is just clueless and can be transformed… or whether you’ll never be able to have a loving, secure relationship with him.

    Meanwhile, I urge you to never stay in a situation where your well-being is at stake. The love you want is possible… with the RIGHT man who will adore you and make you feel safe.

    Love, Rori



  315.  #315Zia on July 8, 2013 at 1:24 am

    I realised today after a lot of reflection that I feel ANGRY. I feel angry that I am still allowing this man to have such a hold on me! Well, that stops today. They say it takes 40 days to change a habit/pattern, well today is day 1. No contact. No anything. No looking at his facebook. NOTHING. I’ve had enough!



  316.  #316Zia on July 8, 2013 at 1:26 am

    erica: “I feel adrift lately too. I often feel purposeless and floaty.”

    that is EXACTLY how i felt for the first half of today!



  317.  #317Indigo on July 8, 2013 at 2:45 am

    Good luck Zia.

    Your comment reminded me that I have not looked at D’s Facebook page in at least a month.

    Not because I’m trying to do no contact, but because I was totally tired of giving any ammunition to any kind of mistrust.

    I now really believe that mistrust attracts more mistrust, whilst trust attracts an ever-expanding state of grace in life.



  318.  #318Indigo on July 8, 2013 at 2:52 am

    Erika & Melanie Murphy,

    Could it be that other aspects (business, family, personal stuff etc.) sort themselves out and romantic relationships don’t seem to, because we just have SO much more invested in a romantic relationship? The stakes are so much higher.

    I don’t have the answers. But I choose to let go of trying so hard. I choose to trust that the peace and happiness I am cultivating in my heart, as well as the things my heart just seems to *know*, will lead me there, including to a relationship which is satisfying in the ways I need it to be.



  319.  #319Syreena on July 8, 2013 at 3:03 am

    Elsie, feel pleased to hear that you no longer want to be with someone who treated you horribly.

    I what ways did he treat you horrible?



  320.  #320Indigo on July 8, 2013 at 3:05 am

    Jammy85

    The words your man used sound very similar to the things D says.

    All you can really do is listen to him, listen not just to the words, but also listen to the feelings he is expressing, which may not come out in the words, but which as a feeling siren I’m sure you will pick up on.

    Also in my case, by the time a guy gets to the stage that he wants to have this kind of a talk, he generally really wants to be taken seriously. Which is not to say that he is ‘right’ or that your feelings don’t matter, but just that whatever is going on with him is pretty intense by that stage.



  321.  #321Syreena on July 8, 2013 at 3:06 am

    Felt sad and upset reading about how Nigella lawsons husband chocked her in public and put his hand over her airways and pinched her nose. And happy to read she has got away from him.



  322.  #322Indigo on July 8, 2013 at 3:09 am

    Is it usual to feel trepidation about going home?

    I’ve been so far away from everything, yes from the things that I love, but also from my usual cares and concerns, for two weeks…

    I choose to feel this feeling, and hopefully take my newfound strength and zest for life back to those cares and concerns.

    Wow, it’s so strange, I was so homesick at first, and now I’m not at all sure I want to go back! 😀



  323.  #323Zia on July 8, 2013 at 3:14 am

    297: Wildgeranium i feel the same way



  324.  #324Zia on July 8, 2013 at 3:15 am

    I love my anger! I actually really DO love my anger. Was feeling all disconnected this morning until I realised there was that anger there that had to come out, and it felt GOOD to get it out!



  325.  #325Linda on July 8, 2013 at 4:11 am

    #13 Elsie

    I feel inspired and peaceful reading your post.

    Thank you for sharing!



  326.  #326Femininewoman on July 8, 2013 at 4:17 am

    Hey Linda. Been thinking about you. You’ve been quiet lately



  327.  #327Linda on July 8, 2013 at 5:04 am

    Hi…FW How nice it feels to read that you have thought about me. Thank you.

    I have computer issues at home. It is really old and needs to be shot, burried and put out of my misery LOL.

    I sneak on at work and have been able to do that sparcely.

    My relationship with FavoriteCD has begun to present quite a few challanges, especially this last week end and today… I am feeling exceptionally depleated and overwhelmed.I definately feel unequipped to deal well with it all.

    This is my place for healing… inspiration and getting re-directed.



  328.  #328Linda on July 8, 2013 at 5:36 am

    One thing I will say… I can absolutely truley understand how placing “expectations” on another person in a relationship can ruin it !! Usually it is us women doing it… in my case it is reversed. It feels terrible! I just want to run and hide.

    Sigh!



  329.  #329Sassy on July 8, 2013 at 6:06 am

    Awwww, Linda! I’ve missed you. Your posts were so encouraging with him. I feel sorry that its not going so well.
    Is there possibility of turning things back around?



  330.  #330Sassy on July 8, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Zara, thank you for the link. My heart has definitely closed.
    I even had a CD some time ago comment that ” he must have really done a number on you”.

    I’m working on it. I know I have to open my heart to be able to allow someone new in. It’s just so freakin rough at this point!



  331.  #331Linda on July 8, 2013 at 6:13 am

    I need to do some ” personal maintenance”. Re-inforce and create some new boundries so I feel happy and peaceful again.



  332.  #332BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 6:22 am

    I feel so tired of feeling triggered by C.
    More this morning.
    Crying in the bathroom, crying outside
    I feel so tired of this pain
    I want to say something to him, I’m not sure if it’s best.
    I want to riff here, and I wonder if y’all can help me sort out what needs to be said/done and not

    I need you to stay away from me.
    I feel tired of feeling my heart ripped out again and again.
    I wish I could handle this, I would I could rock star this with you and I can’t.
    It’s total bullshit that you are gonna walk in while we are at work, unexpectedly open up, trigger me so my heart feels like it’s shattered in a milion pieces and I end up being sick for a week over it, while you walk out and go on with your f*cking life.
    If you can’t open up with your gf it’s not my f*cking problem.
    I won’t be the one you can open up to and walk out on
    again and again and again
    f*ck this
    I feel angry
    you know that pain you talked about this morning? that pain that you had never felt before?
    that pain I’ve been feeling most of the time I’ve known you…
    I don’t want it.
    I hate you
    go away
    brat brat brat (lol)
    f*ck f*ckity f*ck F*CK this, f*ck you
    go away go away stay the f*ck out of my life
    I don’t want to talk to you
    I don’t want to be your friend
    I sure as hell don’t want to be your oasis, the one person you can open up to
    That sh!t felt like a f*cking drive-by
    I don’t want my health and my life going down the drain behind this crap
    I don’t know what to do
    I just don’t
    I’m not going to leave my job
    I don’t want to hole up and isolate in my office at lunch
    I don’t want all this f*cking pain
    what do I do?
    I don’t know.



  333.  #333BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 6:32 am

    Also noticing, how I managed to twist things around with T and somehow make them my ‘fault’ again.
    I remember now, he KNEW I had just learned I was going to be a grandmother and I feel tired of making up more than there is. I feel tired of rowing, lol. He’s not wrong for not initiating, it’s just not what I want and I need to somehow break or overcome the habit of getting all fluffed up over him just because he bothered to make a phone call.

    He is a Good Man, a very good man
    and
    I can do better.



  334.  #334Linda on July 8, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Thanks Sassy… honestly I dont know what will happen with the relationship… what I do know is I am going to be okay one way or another.



  335.  #335BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 6:39 am

    and then I think….am I abandoning the connection again?? it might be warming up again and because I’m in pain over one thing I’m tromping on everything?
    lol
    wtf idk
    clarity says…
    drink some water and focus on what’s on your desk.

    kk will do.



  336.  #336BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 6:47 am

    Sinking into my feelings I notice an oscillation around “pain”
    Accept it
    Don’t want it
    Accept it
    Don’t want it.
    Breathing.
    Can I allow myself to accept it as much as I do?
    Can I allow myself to reject it as much as I do?
    And accept it as much as I do?
    And reject it as much as I do?

    Ahh, *giggling*
    okay, sigh of relief
    Yes thank you haha
    omg that’s so much better.
    Another delicious sigh, that feels much lighter.
    oh, yum, yes, thank you



  337.  #337BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 6:56 am

    and just for the record, yin/yang doesn’t have anything to do with Buddhism, it’s a Taoist concept.

    Buddhism is pretty much the opposite of the practice of defining “I” in relation to anything else.

    “The attainment of liberation, for Buddhism, does not come to pass by the realization of a true self or absolute “I,” but through the dissolution of even the subtlest sense of selfhood in relation to the five aggregates, “the abolition of all I-making, mine-making, and underlying tendencies to conceit.”



  338.  #338Mercedes on July 8, 2013 at 7:17 am

    There are some days when I feel sooooo blessed…so lucky to be me…so grateful to have J and my children in my life…so happy….so fortunate…so at peace with the way things are…so NOT wanting the life of anyone else on the planet. Today is one of those days.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  339.  #339Femininewoman on July 8, 2013 at 7:25 am

    A Tool For Self Acceptance

    To help yourself treasure yourself EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW – even though you’ll ALWAYS want to learn new things, explore new ways of behaving, speaking and just BEING – try this (read how, first, and then stop reading for a moment and try it):

    Look away from your computer screen for a moment.

    Look at a bookcase, or a pile of papers, or a book, or the phone, or a picture on the wall. It can be a pretty thing, an ugly, practical thing, or something in-between.

    Look at it. Really, really look at it.
    Look at the colors.

    See that there are more than one color – even if it’s red or blue – there are many shades of red and blue in the color you see.

    Look to see if light is shining on or bouncing off the object. Maybe there’s a sparkle of light on one side, and nothing on the other.
    Look at the texture.

    Feel it. See if it feels bumpy or smooth or rough or soft. Now check in with your body. Do you feel anything, just from looking at this simple object? Do you feel judgmental?

    Like – is it an ugly object, or old, or worn? Does it make your mind go off in a million directions about all the things you have to do?
    Gently bring yourself back to the simplicity of looking at the object and feeling it, and then bring your attention back to your body and how you’re feeling.
    Put a name to the feeling.

    It could be sad, like a sad memory, it could be happy, because you love that object, it could be bored because you want to get back to this letter.
    Now tune into how relaxed or tense you are.

    Now absolutely, completely ACCEPT whatever you’re feeling. Absolutely ACCEPT the object EXACTLY AS IT IS. Absolutely ACCEPT yourself, in this one moment, exactly how you are, just like the object.



  340.  #340Elsie on July 8, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Syreena – The list is too long to go into here. We were married for about a year and a half and then due to some extraneous circumstances, he checked out of life. Completely. No job, no emotional conneciton. Zero. I stayed for another decade. Yes. You read that right. In the meantime he spiraled down into depression and then started to get meaner and meaner and wanted no help. Horrible story really.

    @Linda – Thank you!

    @BeLoved – its not my religion so sorry for the confusion of nomenclature!



  341.  #341Elsie on July 8, 2013 at 8:50 am

    @Mercedes – Awesome. I’m so glad you feel that way – thank you for sharing!



  342.  #342Elsie on July 8, 2013 at 9:01 am

    I reconnected last night with a friend (JUST A FRIEND) of mine that I hadnt spoken with in 22 years. He and his significant other live in California and we havent talked in years, just grew apart. He meant a lot to me and was very significant in my life.

    We talked for over 3 hours (yes, she was in the room, so no big deal on that front.) and caught up.

    I was reminded of how fun, vibrant, artistic, creative, imaginative and funny of a person I used to be when I knew him two decades ago.

    I told him my whole story. And it made me feel amazed. I was so sad for the person telling the story (me) – how did I stay in such a horrible marriagefor so long with someone who treated me so badly? I feel like that wasnt even really me.

    Now, I am starting to feel like I’m getting ME back, and I am so glad that I didnt reconnect with him 3 or 4 years ago, because I would still be in that horrible chapter of the story and not starting to reimerge as the awesome person I used to be. I remembered that I really used to be very strong and used to really really like me!!!!

    So, it was a great conversation that happened at the right time in my life. I loved it – it reminded me all about who I was, the horrible years in the middle, and the fact I really am starting a new chapter in my life right now.

    That said, I came to work today, and GS came over. I felt an energy there between us that made me feel like I had to try or work, or….something. I dont know how to explain it – but I didnt feel easy, free, light, etc. I felt excited to see him. And I felt comfortable looking at him (he is so handsome) but I also felt anxious and nervous. I dont know why because our conversation was about the weekend and nothing about our relaitonship at all. It just felt that I was there for him….but he wasnt there for me. It felt like he wanted me to be there to hear his story, but he wasnt there to please me, or to give to me. I dont know how to describe it. Its a feeling so PLEASE bear with me, its hard to describe. It just felt thick. It felt like I had been running in crisp air all weekend, and now I was trying to get through sludge. Again, the conversation was totally normal and about the weekend, but I felt a sensation in me that was not happy when he said that he had time alone in the house. I knew that we said we werent going to see each other but I think that just hearing that made me realize that he is choosing to not see me, and I felt a tiny tiny twinge of rejection again.

    So, it wasnt horrible or anything, and I think its awesome that I noticed this, because I think I wouldnt have before. I will take this, and decide whether or not I want to do no contact with him. I’m honestly not sure in my heart whether that would be a good thing for ME. I KNOW he wouldnt like it but I’m not really worried about that right now. 🙂



  343.  #343Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Indigo, I don’t think so … I’m talking about men I never invested in also … I’m talking about the entire dynamic of the special relationship … the entire idea of being in a “couple” or going through dating or mating rituals … the whole way it’s set up … and I’ve had very long-term relationships where the men wanted to marry me … I started to feel restless, trapped, bored, claustrophobic … and a whole lot more … a feeling of “really, this is what my life is going to be?” … and I’m so glad I didn’t marry those men … I also feel strangely glad that I haven’t had children. For sure there are mixed feelings there. Yet after my cat got sick last year, I found myself thinking “my God what if this were my child, this is already so exhausting … it would feel like a prison.” I am not a body, I am free.

    Zia, I am joining you. Cold turkey on all special/sexual relationships. I want to find out where my focus would go if this one were removed entirely from my life.



  344.  #344Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I’m gonna try to practice this for the next 40 days –

    “The Holy Spirit asks only this little help of you: Whenever your thoughts wander to a special relationship which still attracts you, enter with Him into a holy instant, and there let Him release you.”



  345.  #345Melanie Murphy Myer on July 8, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Indigo,

    Yes I agree that we have more invested in romantic relationships and the stakes are higher – this level of intimacy taps into all the deep and hidden parts of us, the wants, the needs, the wounds, everything gathered in us since the day we were born and were dependent on the love and care of our parents.

    ~ Melanie



  346.  #346Wildgeranium on July 8, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I’ve made a similar commitment to practice for the next 90 days. I’ve decided to let my boyfriend (CW) row the boat completely 100% and see where that goes. I’ve used the tools in bits and pieces. Now I’m just going to stop doing anything that looks like leaning forward or rowing, or even picking up the oars, and see if we go anywhere that I’m interested in. I’ve already been circular dating myself and my girlfriends for a month. I’m starting to be brave enough to try it with men I encounter in my day at the supermarket, bookstore, coffee shop, Home Depot….We’ll see what happens! But, I can do anything for 90 days…..



  347.  #347Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Oooh, I like the idea of 90 days. I’m going to Bali though in September and I want to be open to whatever happens there like I was in Costa Rica. So I’m making this commitment to focus on anything other than special relationships until I leave, which is September 4. I commit to whenever a special relationship crosses my mind … to stop, breathe, get present in my body, feel whatever I’m feeling, and be released …



  348.  #348Wildgeranium on July 8, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Yes!

    XO



  349.  #349BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Erika – 344
    I’m feeling this….really.
    Both of the relationships that get most of my attention are both one where we asked the Holy Spirit to use for it’s purposes. And they both drive me nuts, lol.
    I feel ready for a breather.
    I feel ready for a few Holy Instants.



  350.  #350Andrea on July 8, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Erika Wow!!! # 344
    Just what I need this morning. Wow!!! Where did you pick that up? It sounds like something from A Course in Miracles.
    Great reminder. Thank you so much. I’m going to start that practice Today!!!



  351.  #351Melanie Murphy Myer on July 8, 2013 at 11:10 am

    “Cold turkey on all special/sexual relationships. I want to find out where my focus would go if this one were removed entirely from my life.”

    When I do that (which I have done for long periods of time), my focus goes to creativity – art, music, writing, building, teaching, guiding.

    And usually what happens next, after a few months, is that a man enters my life when I’m not looking.

    And then my emotions and creativity get all wrapped up in what’s going on between us – it’s usually either that he wants more or I want more, and thus my focus shifts to solving that.

    When it’s that he wants more, I feel like if he would just give me more freedom, I could create AND do relationship. When it’s that *I* want more, I feel like if he would just be more available, I could create and do relationship. Haha! Talk about blame-shifting! 🙂

    I relate very much to the feeling of being restless, bored, claustrophobic in relationship that Erika described – except in cases where I had tons of freedom (like I do now, but of course this is a relationship where I want more. Yet I have had to face the truth that if I actually *got* more in this relationship, I might very well start feeling restless and claustrophobic).

    In my present situation, I have been doing something similar to that ACIM quote – that is, releasing my thoughts when they wander to him – and this seems to be enabling me to both create and do relationship (although I am not entirely satisfied with the extent of either, which brings me back to the thought about what my ideal balance would look like).

    On the other hand, I am also exploring the very real possibility that I have some internal resistance to intimacy that is causing this pendulum swing between too much and not enough.

    I do very much like the idea of an intimate companion, and I am blessed to have several such satisfying relationships modeled to me among family and friends. Whether or not that is meant to be for me remains to be seen.

    ~ Melanie



  352.  #352Wildgeranium on July 8, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Funny, one of the first impulses I have to struggle with, when I’m not doing *anything* for or about the relationship, is the overwhelming impulse to break up with him…Yes, its that uncomfortable to do nothing that I’d rather just dump him. My little inner security guard tells me that I’m cracking the door open to vulnerability and you know what happens when you are vulnerable….”bad” things!
    I was just reading about the middle way this morning. What a perfect example….I need to makes friends with the discomfort.



  353.  #353redbutterfly on July 8, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    I am kind of a lurker, I did post once asking Rori about my relationship with a widower. But I wanted to share with you what has been happening to me lately. The widower thinks I am wonderful and the weird thing is…I don’t do anything!!! I don’t try to nurture him, buy him gifts, get him to like me, go out of my way to clean for him. (obviously if I am over I am not a slop and I will do the obvious things and help with chores) But I completely let him pursue me and I don’t go over and above like I have with other men. And he says he can’t stop thinking about me and he is always saying he likes to make me happy and he treats me like gold. He cut short a 4th of July weekend with his late wife’s family to come be with me and I didn’t ask him to do that. We have been kayaking lately and he bought me a sea kayak recently so I wouldn’t have to rent anymore and so I could go with him. I felt guilty about him spending that much money but I tried to accept it gracefully.

    I always thought we as women needed to work so hard to get men to like us and it feels wonderful to not worry about it at all! Somehow it almost feels wrong! Like why is this so easy? It shouldn’t be!

    It took about 7 months of dating but my boyfriend is finally saying I love you and is talking about houses and moving in together in a couple years after my daughter graduates from high school. I wish I had known how to act in my other relationships before I met my current boyfriend. Then again, if I did know, I might not be with this one.

    I have always been a happy, content person even though I have had a lot of tough things happen to me but for the first time in my life, I honestly can’t think of anything that would make my life better. (Besides winning the lottery and not having to go to work! 🙂 ) I don’t know if it’s a change in me because I have always been able to attract guys and I am the one who usually leaves eventually, if it’s him and he’s just a saint, if it’s practicing Rori’s techniques or a combination of everything but it’s awesome and I feel like he is The One!

    Thanks for reading my little story!



  354.  #354April Rose on July 8, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Beloved,
    Did you see my posting to you about travelling in Bali, on the previous thread?



  355.  #355Shanta on July 8, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @Veronica I was reading the post you made to @Jammy85 and it was like it was also meant for me. I have been knowing this guy for over 16 yrs. we went to hi school 2gthr. We have never been a couple and after reading ur post & contemplating, I feel that a great deal of the blame goes on me. I was always quick to tell myself what he wasn’t doing & what he was doing wrong. We have never been a couple. I know now that I should have set boundaries back then instead of being so excited about the idea of us actually getting the chance to be together. This separation that we are experiencing now has happened before. He starts to pull back, I don’t know why, but assume its another female and I leave it alone. I don’t call him and he doesn’t call me. We see each other in public he tells me how much he misses me and asks me to call or text him sometimes. I tell him that I will talk to him when he calls or texts me. We get back close he pulls back again this time.
    The only difference in this time and the other time is that I realized mistakes that I have been making thanks to Rori’s blog & to you all. I realized that I am fine at first and he is all wrapped in me and I love it. I get to thinking about what if this ends, what If he pulls away, what if he finds someone else how will I compete. Maybe im not giving him the chance to make us a couple because I start to overthink & I stop acting like myself in fear of losing him.
    I haven’t talked to him in 3 days because he would talk to me tomoro. I felt that he was saying he was going to cintact me but he didnt. Should I just wait it out in hopes that we will see each other around or that he mite txt or call. I feel as though I should call him or txt him then again I feel like I should let it be. Give him time to miss me again but what if he has his eye on someone else now? I feel confused and hurt and I want to blame him for not contacting me like he use to and never actually giving us a chance, but I know that’s not completely true and wont solve anything.



  356.  #356Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Oooh I feel excited reading that some of you resonate with the quote and this practice.

    And are some other people going to Bali? One of my fears is around scuba diving. I have done a fair amount of diving and it terrifies me. Don’t know if there is a past life drowning or what. Swimming doesn’t scare me, water doesn’t scare me, but diving … terrifying. So I saw this website about “free diving” in Bali. They dive like in scuba and very deep but without tanks and equipment. They use yoga breathing apparently and take it to new extremes. I feel fascinated and terrified by this. It is way out of my comfort zone, the idea of going as deep as scuba diving on a single breath … wow would that feel powerful though … like I’m no longer limited by my body …

    Today in my private yoga here at home, which is part active and a lot yin yoga, I felt sadness rising to the surface, and also thoughts of revenge and anger. Wanting to expose the truth about what happened. And I’m reminding myself to go to the holy instant to be released.



  357.  #357T-Girl on July 8, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    I wonder how Laughing Goddess is doing. Wasnt she going to have a baby?



  358.  #358BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    April Rose – yes, I did, thank you and thanks for the reminder, I’m planning to request a replacement passport this week to get the ball rolling on that.
    I just want to beeeee there, omg I love sun and sand and the ocean and want to be in the atmosphere of the ashram.

    Erika – I’m planning on visting an ashram in Bali in a few months, a birthday gift to myself
    http://www.ratubagus.com
    I’ve never been diving and I will someday, it is my dream (quite literally) to swim with whales and dolphins.



  359.  #359Femininewoman on July 8, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    T-Girl – her and Jilly.

    How have you been? Good to see you pop up.



  360.  #360LittleStar on July 8, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Been about 4 weeks since I got finished with by text. Fought all urges to call him successfully, so haven’t talked at all about it. CDs keep falling through except one that has been stepping up consistently so far..not feeling attracted..just a little. He took me for an amazing and v expensive dinner out. Meeting for coffee tomorrow. Wish I fancied him more but that would feel more stressful, this just feels powerful and sexy bring treated like this, even though I don’t fancy him much.;-)



  361.  #361Dominique on July 8, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Shanta – 354 – First of all I want you to drop ALL assumptions. Chances are very, very high that they are all way off the mark.

    Now how about this- have you ever thought ALL other women have to compete with YOU, you and your amazing blossoming goddessness?

    And if he can’t see this wonderfullness in you, is this someone you really want in your life? And if cannot handle intimacy and closeness with you as you continue to grow, then it’s better you know now.

    It’s not our job to fight for, chase after a man. It’s his. And if he has a wandering eye, again, do you really want someone like this?

    The best chance you have of him coming to you, wanting to be with you is if you get that focus off of him completely, or as much as you can, and redirect this all on you. What makes you feel good, passionate? Do more of this. Who do you love to hang out with? Make plans with them.

    NO contacting him first.

    xxoo



  362.  #362Zia on July 8, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Wildgeranium/Erika: Yay you! 40 days apparently has a lot of significance with regard to changing a habit, breaking a pattern, bringing something new into your life. And 40 days really is a manageable chunk to work with. I am also working on a 40 days of self love program so it’s going to be all about ME.



  363.  #363BeLoved on July 8, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Erika – after I read what the posts mentioning feeling as if in a prison, and wanting to feel free of the body, I surfed a bit about other things and found a dream and an ACIM lesson I want to share:

    Lesson for July 8th, 2013

    Lesson 189
    I feel the Love of God within me now.

    and

    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/what-we-need-to-remember-about-us-3/#Victims

    (a dream)
    Example: I was in a prison cell with two other men. I felt it was in Spain somewhere. We ate, slept and defecated in the cell. I was standing at the bars of the cell, and had the impression I had been in the prison for years. I was shouting and cursing the people who had put me in the prison, full of hate and self pity.

    One day as I stood raging at the bars I suddenly realised that my years of shouting had availed nothing. The only person who was upset by it was me. I was the victim of my own anger and turmoil. It was as if I had been haunted all my life by ghosts of anger and passion. I dropped the attitudes or ‘ghosts’ and was free of them. Years went by and one by one I recognised and dropped other habits of emotion and thought that had trapped and tortured me. I realised I could be totally free within myself.

    One morning I woke and sat up on the mattress on the floor that was my bed. The last ghost of inner entrapment fell away. A fountain of joy opened in my body, pouring upwards through me. It was so intense I cried out. My cell mates called a warden because they thought I had gone mad. They stood looking at me as I experienced radiance so strong I felt as if I must be shining. I was aware my joy poured into them, although they thought I was possibly insane. I could sense the enormous change in me influencing them, and I knew it couldn’t help but change them also. I realised that I might never be released from the prison, but it didn’t matter as I had found a fuller release than simply walking the streets. Even though remaining behind prison bars, I would still be touching people’s lives deeply. Nothing would ever be the same again.

    >>The dream enabled me to experience what it would be like if all the angers, beliefs, justifications, thoughts and emotions that usually posses my awareness dropped away. The freedom and bliss were extraordinary.<<



  364.  #364Jennifer on July 8, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    I think the idea in the OP to have a teleclass is a good idea.

    But I do think trying to accurately script boys at that age will be difficult. Boys at that age know what they want, but when it comes down to it are very nervous about going after it! Each boy I think would behave differently.



  365.  #365Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Hi BeLoved,

    amazing dream. nice synchronicity that we’re both going to Bali …

    I just went to massage, and more grief came up … and the anger and revenge, the injustice, the part of me that wants to go write pissed off blog articles … wanting to act it all out … and yet it is so exhausting all that … so I went to “God is the love in which I forgive you, God is the love in which I forgive myself”

    a bunch of files that I thought I lost turned up today … 4 years of client calls … a reminder that nothing is really ever lost … I choose restoration and peace and resurrection.



  366.  #366Linda on July 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Believe it or not my old dusty slow computer booted up! Yeah!! I am so excited about that! I wish I could buy another. Who knows maybe one will show up in my life. I do believe good things like that can and do happen.

    To those of you who commented on glad to see me post thanks again. It felt really good to be acknowledged.
    This post has turned into a long one…

    For the most part… I have been doing well. My relationship with FavoriteCD is still quite viable. However I am encountering stuff with him that I not doing well with nor am I handling them well. I have known him for 8 months now and there are patterns of behavior in him that are surfacing that I really dont care for at all. The biggest of all is that he places all these unspoken expectations on me (and other people in his life)… and when I/we dont measure up… he gets mad which usually results in him a blow up of words… then shut down of communication which leaves no room for discussion or understanding for me and usually…followed by his withdraw and what appears to me as pouting. Being blasted with accusation of his apparent lack of importance in my life because…. I did not show up the when or the way he thought I should is killing my desire to be in this relationship. He feels ultra-sensitive to me at times and at other.. …. things roll off his back. I never know what or when.

    For example just yesterday… He told me had to be a church early and wanted me to bring his daughter in later ( did not ask me if that is what I wanted to do…)then… told me he needed to get in the bathroom, which I vacated immediately…. then he asked me to monitor what was in the oven , which I was doing as I ironed my pants for the day…to only have him rush in to repeat what I had just done, saying you know things burn quickly in the oven…(not trusting that I was doing what he asked ?)… then he requested that I help his daughter (age 9) who was in the shower to help her with her clothes church and she put on a t shirt (not to his liking ) before I could get to her and he asked why I let her wear that?!! I explained I was waiting for her to get out of the shower to do it with her but she slipped in and dressed before I could talk to her… he was angry and said “Thats exactly why I asked for your help… he then huffed out the door. He sent a text later appolgizing for his behavior….. when we got home I started making something to eat for us… which he bought the day before and told me he wanted to have on Sunday…so I assumed for this meal… but he said… “Not for lunch… but for dinner” Ooooohhh big mistake.. I stopped and offered something else. He then announced that he was not hungry and was skipping lunch and going to pool….. and his daughter and I could eat something else and come later …. Ooookkkay… while at the pool he was cool toward me but talking warmly to neighbors… then got upset that I did not look at him when he was speaking to me and complained that I have been doing that alot and made sure to tell me how hurt he was that I did not even acknowledge or say anything to his expressing his disappointment in his MOM saying she was sick and not going to church again (something happens regularly and we have discussed in length SEVERAL times)…….. OMGOSH!!!! ANother day of doing NOTHING “RIGHT” and being a total disappointment to him. (which is nothing but a load of BS) by the way. WHat did I do????
    I shut down. I ignored the dead stinking elephant in the room…. BAD BAD BAD for me. I felt sick and punched in the stomach all day. I felt tired of it all. I fixed dinner… I spent time with his daughter after …. I wanted to flee and as the day grew to a close…. I did… I felt so anxious about staying there…I announced that I felt anxious about my upcoming day at work (which was true) and needing a good nights sleep (which was true) … I gathered my things and he helped me carry them to the car….I left and drove home. (which I should have done much much earlier for myself)

    So…today… I am detoxing. Making room for heath to return to my bones… yes…. I did not exhibit good listening skills to him at the pool.(honestly it feels like a broken record!!) I did NOT say his behavior before his appology text was ok…because it wasnt… I know.. that I could have done better… I just did not have it in me. I shut down and my mind was racing, twirling…. I shut up NOT GOOD BEHAVIOR for me either.

    THere are lots of things that have gone so well between us but things are overshadowed by all this.I feel fear of triggering something all the time now… I am self conscious… I feel myself being self protective, quiet…off balance, and a constant disappointment to him. I am tired of hearing again have not measured up or responded how he wanted and all his disappointments with the other people in his life…. sigh

    He triggered me and I let myself down. soooo… I have to set it straight for me… I need to communicate and not shut down…. I need to shift this for me. I feel overwhelmed with it though… I guess that I am just going to express my feelings about me… and let it go. THen… just wait and be surprised…… I have to make More boundries. His behavior is not exceptable in my world. Taking a step back and regrouping today.

    This relationship is viable but wounded…. I really dont care if I hear from him…. I need some space.



  367.  #367Linda on July 8, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    I wanna go out and have fun…

    Headed to a nearby lake to watch the sun set with my dog…. He is still the best dog ever!!!

    Maybe get a taco and share it with him too!

    LOL



  368.  #368Syreena on July 8, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Elsie thank you for sharing.



  369.  #369Femininewoman on July 8, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Linda phew. Reading that felt like a wet blanket over my heart dragging it around.



  370.  #370CurvySiren10 on July 8, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Jilly is still pregnant but Laughing Goddess had a lovely baby girl a few months ago, just fyi to those interested. 🙂



  371.  #371Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    “Do not underestimate the intensity of the ego’s drive for vengeance on the past. It is completely savage and completely insane.”

    Oooh, I feel embarrassed. That’s me. Savage and insane and wanting vengeance on the past. Maybe that’s not really me … I feel calm right now. When I just let all those feelings be there in massage, they kinda dissolved.

    Someone paid me $100 today that he’s owed me for about a year and a half now. That felt good, kinda like finding the lost computer files. Restoration and justice.



  372.  #372Luzydel on July 8, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Haven’t heard for captain since saturday, he left me hanging with an answer about what cell phone was better to purchase. We were having an exchange with texts messages and he suddenly got silence, no answer from my last text… I feel so disrespected, I usually cut conversations with “i got something to do txt you later” etc. But I do not leave people hanging.

    I am not going to text him again, I do not feel right about it… I know something may have happened where he lost track, who knows, but if that’s the case then he will reach out to me some time… If not, then he showed me that he doesn’t really care and I just do not need anything else to prove it.

    I am chatting with two guys, none are my “type” meaning people I wouldn’t date. One is a spot jock and the other is a rocker lol I am artsy woman who likes men in uniform (yikes lol). But Since I am getting out of my comfort zone, I am exploring with these two men and see…



  373.  #373Elsie on July 8, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    @Linda – That day sounds so draining. Emotionally draining. I”m so sorry you had to go through that – but at least you realized you needed to leave – so bravo for that!!!

    @Luzydel – I’m glad that you wont text him back. Maybe something legitimate came up – in that case you will hear about it – is it typical for him to just lose contact like this? It sounds like you have a healthy attitude about it – but it still sort of stings when someone does it to you – I know.



  374.  #374Luzydel on July 8, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Yeah Elsie, it does sting, it feels hurtful and I wonder if my expectations had anything to do with it. I like this guy, I screwed it with him and now he’s kinda back but he may feel hesitant. I acted bossy of his time even though he was already spending time with me, I acted needy (yuck I was also hormonal). I am sure that kinda freaked him out. But just like Rory says you cannot say wrong things to the right man, so if he is the right man, he will end up understanding where I was coming from.

    I have to back up, though the inner me wants to control again, but I have to let him be and continue with my things. But it hurts and I feel many things right now, the difference now is that I am not stopping or putting myself on hold… I keep moving even when it hurts.



  375.  #375Elsie on July 8, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    @Luzydel – I have a saying that I use all the time. I have lost a LOT of weight in the last year and a half.

    I say….

    “you know what I do on the days I dont want to work out?”
    “I work out.”

    lol. I need to apply that same logic to my life sometimes, although I’m in a better place now, I have to remember to dothat when I’m not.

    It sounds like you are in a good place if you know that you need to keep moving even when it hurts…



  376.  #376Luzydel on July 8, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    296: Erika Awakening

    I feel like that so many times; I wonder if all these is just vain effort and I should just settle for the three months relationships with different men and then just be alone with myself and find inner peace.

    It works for some women so well, but for some of us it is what it is and perhaps yes we are meant to be lovers and have different partners and or be alone…



  377.  #377Linda on July 8, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    FW .. what a perfect word picture! I do feel like I have had a wet blanket thrown over me/my heart…. and been dragging it around. So well put.

    I am so terrible with finite descriptive messages about what I feel.

    Elsie… I am not sure I need to leave yet, but am leaning that way. I do know for sure that I need to re define and regain some parts of me that I have put on the shelf in a closet. Having more me time is first on the list. Being authentic even when I am feeling pinched and blamed…not staying engaged in anything that does not feel good.

    While I am posting….I want to say that I have spoken up been vunerable and authentic but it seems to be something that I have to get pushed to the wall before go there….. I do hate conflict and it fighting takes so much out of me…… like the week before last… He got upset with me last week end too…over me texting my daughter while we were getting ready to go to bed. He was feeling “in the mood” and all the sudden got mad because I text her over a 5 minute period as we were getting ready for bed..and did not “tell her goodnight and turn off my phone when he wanted me too”….He then proceeded to lay silent in the bed and then turn his back to me… I asked him if he was going to keep his back turned and he got up… and went to watch TV… when I tried to talk to him he would say a word…. He just said he was NOT in the mood anymore!…..and would not discuss it. I thought about it for a while and as he was brooding. I decided to leave and go home… I knew that if I left then it would be for good and would be leaving the relationship… About that time he came in and asked me what I was doing…(I was fully dressed again…. at 11:30 PM)….duhhhh

    I said…”What just happened feels really bad”… I feel scolded and like you are attempting to punish me with silence for not doing what you wanted me to when you wanted me to. He said something about being a slave to phones.. etc. yada yada yada. I hardly every am on my phone so that is not a problem here ….. I said “I did tell her goodnight when I was finished..and I just so you are aware… I will NEVER turn my phone off so DO NOT expect it. I will NOT ever be unreachable or unavailable to my children until the day I DIE….. I continued with. There are three very important things to me and absolute must haves in a relationship they are COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION AND COMMUNICATION. Without that there is nothing and I will not ever stay in a relationship with a man who turns his back to me in bed EVER. If you are unwilling to talk and do not value resolution…. then we do not have common ground between us. I was crying by that point and said that I did not want to leave but was going to. I told him I am looking to be in an relationship with a partner whos life I enhanced. Honestly all I have been hearing from you is that I snore…I disturb you…, my dog is a pain in the a#s, sheds, has bad breath… “I dont have the money it takes to get his dental done… I try to help you. listen to you… I am sorry I snore sometimes… I did not used to… I am not perfect nor can I control everything…. I feel like I am just a nuisence to you…. and by then I was sobbing…and I added… I HATE crying

    Before I knew it he was going saying he was sorry…
    that he was out of line and asking me not to leave . THen he went into his sadness of things about his life, mom, children etc… ( I listened on level 2) but under that I did feel bothered that he again bringing up stuff about others and wanted to say.. What does that have to do with me right now? Things settled, communication flowed I stayed and things the next 2 days were pleasant and very enjoyable. I thought that he would not go there again… but the next week end… more of the same… just different senerios

    There is more… I have not shared… like his second wife and mother of his daughter (9) going to court again so she can move to a different state 18 hours away and take his daughter with her…he fighting her in court….and all the drama and tears and worry and his “mancaving”… consuming him…is soooo tireing.

    I wish he would talk to me about us be my man again… instead of just talking about his daughter, disappointments and hate of her mother….lawyers.. no money.. time to go out… and the name calling… etc

    He felt like my man in the begining… now… well he feels like an alien. I am disinterested in all this drama.



  378.  #378Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Hi Luzydel,

    Yea, I feel ready to try something new. I love this idea of putting zero attention on men or dating for the next couple of months. I love the idea of letting all temptation to break this dissolve into nothingness in the holy instant. I love the idea of focusing entirely on being present and seeing where my focus goes. What do I have to lose? I tried everything else and only feel disappointed by the results. I feel more and more disconnected from all mainstream ideas about dating and relationship. So why not experiment and see what happens? I am already feeling happier. 🙂



  379.  #379Shanta on July 8, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    @ Dominique Thanks so much! You are correct! I never thought about it that way! I’ve been calling myself a queen for years. I was quick to say I’m a queen and I deserve to be treated as such!
    The fireman texted me today and askd about my day, etc! I always feel so off balance with him, but im finding my center and staying grounded from here on out!!! I told him i was going to workout & would text him when i was done. He texted me again asking what am i doing as i am writing this. I told him i was lying in bed listening to music. Im going to keep it short & at the end say “im feeling tired and sleepy from my day. It felt good hearing from u.” I hope that will be ok to say!
    Your advice always make me feel so confident and open! I’m working at this and no matter how it turns out I feel that I’m going to be ok!



  380.  #380MovingMagic on July 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    *Hugs Linda* Cuddle up with your dog & rejuvenate. It’s okay to step back a bit when things feel intense. What are some boundaries you can set for yourself…?



  381.  #381Indigo on July 8, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Erika 343

    I do resonate with this. It’s also how I felt in my first marriage, which oddly enough also broke up because he wanted children and I didn’t. Or that was the surface reason anyway.

    In truth, as wonderful and adoring as he was, I felt completely in his shadow. Bored, trapped, claustrophobic, yearning to spread my wings. Yearning for everything in me to soar and feeling like it couldn’t as long as I stayed married. It was one of the things which put me off marriage, or at least, convinced me that it was most definitely not a need or a must for me.

    But an exciting relationship where we both fly together, whatever that looks like to us? Yes that is a must for me.



  382.  #382Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Hi Indigo,

    Yea me too … what I’m wondering is whether something fundamental needs to shift to have the “flying together” instead of the “stagnating and trapped” feeling …

    I’m really with this metaphor today. The $100 that I thought I’d never collect from this guy, the four years of calls that had vanished and I thought were gone forever … I made peace with it. I had come to the place where I could be happy not having the lost computer files, not having him finish paying me the balance, and … it was okay. And then it all showed up today, not lost at all.

    For the next couple of months, I intend to be focused on living my life perfectly okay that this “flying together” relationship never shows up. I’m going to live my life as if dating, marriage and the whole thing doesn’t exist. Just like for a few weeks my entire client call archive “didn’t exist.” And I’m going to focus on being happy exactly the way things are right now … 🙂



  383.  #383Erika Awakening on July 8, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    wow I might need to blog about that



  384.  #384Turquoise on July 8, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Hi sirens, just popping in quickly to catch up a but and post. It’s been a whirlwind of the past two weeks…. Almost done with the backyard excavating. Above ground pool and deck go up next and then maybe a patio and fence. We are getting something really special done with the front landscaping too. I’m soooo excited, it’s going to be gorgeous and I’m going to love my home even more. I love to entertain, and now I can in the summertime too. We are also planning to put a firepit up on our hill too. I hear the view is fabulous! It will be accessible now too. 🙂 C and I are getting along pretty well. We had a few snags, but nothing serious and such good reminders of old habits and triggers. He is being extremely generous and very thoughtful. i dont feel much emotion with him, and I can see that when you have that emotional disconnect there just isnt much there. Mr. Conversation is feeling the same way, no emotional charge…. nice to see him, but not msking me feel fluttery or anythng. I am talking to a new guy. He seems very nice, wants to plan a date… Calls and texts, giving me what I say I want… But feels a little overwhelming to hear thisych from a guy I haven’tet yet. He lives fairly far away too. I’m not sure what I want right now relationship wise. I do know I want to do a lot more redecorating to my home and get back on track with weight loss. I don’t know that I want to make time for a man right now.

    C, the girls and I leave in the morning for Disney, and I feel amazing to be on vacation. I haven’t had more than a long weekend in 7 years. Travel thrills me. I want to bring more income into my life to allow for trips and cruises and spending time doing special things with family.



  385.  #385Emerson on July 8, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I had a date with another guy from my online dating site…we met for a drink and honestly I found him a little boring, but I practiced physically leaning back and noticed myself chattering, so practiced silence too…
    It went ok overall and then he walked me to my car, hugged me and kissed me and it felt nice, but then he started trying to grope me all over and I said “easy tiger, we just met…”
    He asked if I wanted to “hang out” and basically invited him to my place to, a-hem, “hang out”…only for ten minutes he said…haha…hmm,,,, NO THANKS

    I ended the date politely and told him I don’t have sex with strangers and bring people home that I meet online and don’t know…he was like awww don’t worry…

    blech.

    buh bye.

    doesn’t bother me at all though cuz I have my boundaries. He called me beutiful and sexy etc…I guess some women would fall for it after one drink and some compliments.

    Not me, I’m a siren. 🙂



  386.  #386Emerson on July 8, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    I meant to say he invited HIMSELF to my place….I didn’t invite him lol



  387.  #387Linda on July 9, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Moving Magic… It really really feels good to take a step back and rejuvinate. I have slept so well the last two nights.

    Authenticity feels very important to me right now. I have lost touch with that peaceful, flowing part of me lately. I guess my first goal is to get centered again and stay centered.

    My first boundry… no emotional bullies in my life.



  388.  #388Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Wow, Linda. phew. It feels like a lot of drama but I have to admit that I appreciate that with all of that he must feel overwhelmed. I kinda understand what he must be going through. Then to feel that when he is ready to turn to his oasis she is caught up with her own life.



  389.  #389Dominique on July 9, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Shanta – 377 – yes that was beautiful, short and all feelingy, yes. you will be okay, and please know that this is ongoing work. I prefer to look at it as play though. doesn’t playing feel SO much better than working at healing, growing, embodying your best, most beautiful goddess self?

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  390.  #390Dominique on July 9, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Linda – Hugs and love to you. 🙂

    xxoo



  391.  #391Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Linda after reading the book Attached, I would encourage you to bring things back to you anyway. Could the phone be an unconscious deactivating strategy to block intimacy? I would dig deep and ask myself why would I not set it aside for one minute just to connect with him to ask for a little break to finish up with her. His advances might have felt unappreciated or unwelcome. He might have ended up feeling as if he was being pushy.

    Yet I kinda suspect that is/was not the problem. I assume he acted out because he was angry. I believe he is entitled to his anger. I also kinda suspect that your doubts are building up and are seeping out which is the reason I encourage you to be honest with yourself. Life circumstances can get in the way of relationships.



  392.  #392Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Linda I just saw “name calling”. Are you saying he calls you names?



  393.  #393Vi on July 9, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Dominique, thank you for your play analogy!



  394.  #394T-Girl on July 9, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Hi FW, I have been great. No real news for me. J and I are still going strong. We had a great vacation with my daughter. I have been lurking but find it hard to keep up here so I have been hanging out on siren island on FB. That is great news about Laughing Goddess, I am so happy for her.



  395.  #395Emerson on July 9, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Today I intend to practice the tools…waterwheel, I’m all that, lean back, silence, listen at level 2, be present, be passionate



  396.  #396Emerson on July 9, 2013 at 7:31 am

    368 thanks for the update



  397.  #397Turquoise on July 9, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Sirens…. I just had an aha moment. You know how men mirror us….. Well I have said for a long time that my ex is never happy, it’s never enough. Well, I don’t think that’s true anymore, he is sometimes of course. I feel pretty happy usually, but I see in myself now that often my first response is no, or a negative reaction. That I snap at my kids and can be impatient. I didn’t really see how that all connected before. I’m going to ponder all this on the plane ride today. I am on vacation. If I can’t be happy on vacation, something is not right.



  398.  #398Sassy on July 9, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Beloved,

    What exactly is the dynamic between you and C? I’m sorry if you’ve gone into it before and I missed it, but I don’t understand what the relationship is? I do recall you saying he has a gf, correct?

    Is he leading you on by flirting?

    What kind of feedback do you need from us?



  399.  #399Sassy on July 9, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Ok that was weird that my post number showed up before beloveds!



  400.  #400Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Turquoise if I am not mistaken I believe I have seen you write about that in the past. Remember the amygdala? That is the part of the brain that connects people’s emotions. Remember CCarter saying emotions are contagious? Whatever you put out there comes back to you.



  401.  #401April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Linda,

    I feel delighted to see you posting again, too.
    You inspired me so much before with your CDing and your diva attitude. I learned a lot from you.

    I feel puzzled and concerned for you, reading your posts. ((((Linda))))

    I’m wondering have you gone exclusive with this man? Are you having any dates with others? Do you want to? Have you stopped because you’d fear his anger?

    Something from Rori’s writing that Zara posted in 292 stands out for me, about holding out for the relationship I truly want:

    “I met a woman awhile back who was newly engaged to one of three men she had been involved with – in meaningful, serious relationships – all at the same time. She’s married to him, now, and they’re extraordinarily well-matched and happy.”



  402.  #402April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Whoa…

    postings are going up in a weird order…..

    makes me feel seasick!



  403.  #403Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 8:11 am

    BeLoved – “I don’ think you understand my situation.”

    I tend to use this statement a lot and have noticed that it triggers people. I kinda see where it can be experienced as an attack.

    “I feel totally exposed and insecure.” Is what I am getting from your post. I would leave out the heart attack comment, maybe because I experience it as sending someone on a guilt trip (it might be just me because I didn’t like reading about emotional bullying).

    I like the line about feeling tired and beat up. I can feel your passion.

    “If you know a better way – if you can help me find some way to take care of my feelings, my health and my heart that doesn’t hurt or alienate you, I am all ears.” – kinda feels like you making him responsible for your feelings. I would just tell him that I need help and feel lost because it seems I have no where to turn. Then ask if he would be willing to help.

    “I feel so tired of crying at my desk and in the bathroom while I’m at work. I feel tired of feeling off-balance with you. I don’t want to hole up in my office or isolate or withdraw.
    I don’t know what to do here, what do you think?”

    This feels very human and vulnerable, I like it. I would not ask what you think. I would ask for help.



  404.  #404Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Me too April Rose.

    BeLoved my response went above yours. Weird. I felt dizzy, seasick and crosseyed.

    Beloved I felt incompetent because the story seemed incomplete. I would say though just share your feelings fully.



  405.  #405BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 8:19 am

    I feel weary.
    I don’t know if I want to explain the story but I felt triggered yet again by C, I ended up going to my office to cry.
    It seemed to me that he was retaliating for a request I made yesterday to not say something specific – well, not retaliating exactly, withdrawing in response.
    Which I felt triggered by
    (so much for the Holy Instant practice)
    I wrote a letter that I’m going to sit and let cool.

    I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.
    I don’ think you understand my situation. I got really sick last week (after feeling triggered by him). For all I know, I had a heart attack. I don’t havce insurance. I don’t have savings or backup cash or community or friends who have my back (feeling so vulnerable posting this…)I don’t have people I can turn to. I feel tired of feelin beat up and hijacked behind my feelings for you.
    If you know a better way – if you can help me find some way to take care of my feelings, my health and my heart that doesn’t hurt or alienate you, I am all ears. I am wide open. I am all about a better way. Do you know one? Because whatever we are doing sucks and feels horrible.
    I feel so tired of crying at my desk and in the bathroom while I’m at work. I feel tired of feeling off-balance with you. I don’t want to hole up in my office or isolate or withdraw.
    I don’t know what to do here, what do you think?

    FW I’d especially appreciate your input because you can be so insightful about the bigger dynamic…

    thanks.
    xoxox



  406.  #406BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 8:21 am

    *hidden dynamic



  407.  #407Liquid Light on July 9, 2013 at 8:23 am

    “My first boundry… no emotional bullies in my life.”

    Wow, Linda, this really resonated with me. This is how I felt in my last relationship. Above all else, take care of yourself, whatever that means to you. I got so wrapped up in him – he was taking over my life – I couldn’t get any perspective. It was such a mind-f***! I had never experienced anything like that before in my life and I hope I never will again!



  408.  #408BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 8:23 am

    *whatever…I just really appreciate your insight 🙂



  409.  #409Erika Awakening on July 9, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I woke up without that “pull” feeling about men … what a relief … and then I noticed that I have a similar feeling about something else in my life, a kind of constant low level stress that seems “normal” but maybe isn’t. I didn’t even notice the other feeling while being focused on men or dating. I’m going to get present with this other feeling and see what happens …



  410.  #410April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 8:25 am

    The displayed time has gone wrong, I think. I’m usually 8 hours ahead of the displayed time of posting. Now i’m 9 hours ahead…..
    It’s 17.25 here



  411.  #411April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 8:26 am

    (Resending to Rori – re. time displayed on postings)

    Is the time correct on the postings? It appears to have gone back an hour.

    Love, April Rose
    evil



  412.  #412Elsie on July 9, 2013 at 8:39 am

    There is a siren page on facebook!?!?! Where? 🙂

    @BeLoved – I know you and I dont see eye to eye a lot. But wow, your post made me heartsick for you. I am so sorry. I have been exactly there many many times, where you are crying in the bathroom at work. Its a horrible feeling, hiding, crying, feeling so alone. IN that moment, realize that although I am not with you, you are not alone. There are others here who would be with you if we could. I think your letter sounds good. It sounds like you are at a breaking point. I hope he responds well, but if he doesnt, do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Bathroom crying is the WORST. (HUGS)



  413.  #413Erika Awakening on July 9, 2013 at 9:03 am

    This reminds me of some of Rori’s “just walk away” advice … I’m taking this advice today:

    “I am not the victim of the world I see.

    “How can I be the victim of a world that can be completely undone if I so choose? My chains are loosened. I can drop them off merely by desiring to do so. The prison door is open. I can leave simply by walking out. Nothing holds me in this world. Only my wish to stay keeps me a prisoner. I would give up my insane wishes and walk into the sunlight at last.”

    I can leave simply by walking out …



  414.  #414Erika Awakening on July 9, 2013 at 9:04 am

    walking out of my obsessive thoughts about the special relationship. the special relationship offers nothing that I really want … I can just walk away. I am choosing to walk away.



  415.  #415April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Am I wrong to want a man who can handle me at my worst?



  416.  #416Sassy on July 9, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Where is I am His? Miss her and so many of the frequent posters…



  417.  #417BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Awww, Elsie, thank you…I feel hugged 🙂

    I didn’t give him the letter…no no no no.
    I read it again and again – and will read it more later.
    I’m not sure if I’m at a breaking point – I do feel that I walked into a perfect trigger storm.
    Safety at my parents + 2 years of building stability for myself + being off of gluten and sugar + feeling triggered so hard it made me sick (still recovering) + daily kundalini & shakti yoga practice = lots of stuff rising to the surface.

    I hear that a part of me feels alone and lost and scared and concerned for my health, and what might happen if an emergency or crisis arises.
    I hear that I don’t want to alienate myself.
    I hear that I want a better way.
    I hear that I feel tired of feeling beat up and off-balance. I hear that I don’t want to hole up or isolate or withdraw.
    I hear that I feel tired of feeling so emotional at work.

    C left for lunch so that made it easy for me – tossing out a generous sprinkling of appreciation and gratitude for that…



  418.  #418Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 10:25 am

    846: Melanie Murphy Myer says:
    Wildgeranium and Indigo,

    Thanks. Yes, “feeling punished” focuses more on the THOUGHT that someone is or may be punishing you – which may or may not be true AND puts the focus outside you.

    When you think the thought “I feel like I am being punished,” what emotions come up?

    I used to struggle with that thought (“feeling punished”) a lot. The emotions for me were actually sadness, helplessness, and some anger.

    Our minds try to make sense of our emotions, so they create a story to explain our feelings. That story is usually based on our experiences from childhood.

    I grew up in an environment where I was punished quite a bit and also was taught that God punishes us when we misbehave, “for our own good.”

    So it was quite natural as an adult, when feeling sad and helpless about how someone was behaving toward me or things that were happening to me, to look at what I might have done to “deserve” that treatment in their eyes (even if *I* didn’t think I deserved it).

    But whenever I did that, I was telling myself a STORY (“I feel punished”) about what I was feeling instead of really sinking into the FEELINGS of sadness and helplessness and anger.

    Sinking into the feelings – and comforting ourselves there the way we would comfort a hurting child – is where the healing and transformation occurs (just like Rori teaches).

    And then, when we want to communicate with a man (or anyone), we speak from our authentic feelings rather than from our story (which in many cases includes covert blame).

    So, “I feel punished” (which sounds to the other person like “I feel like you are punishing me,” and makes it about THEM), becomes “I feel sad and helpless and angry about this situation.”

    Using Rori’s suggestions about this kind of thing, you can add to that:

    “I feel sad and helpless and angry about this situation. I don’t know what to do. Can you help?”

    Or

    “I feel sad and helpless and angry because I am telling myself a story that I am being punished. I don’t want to feel like this. What do you think?”

    Always remember that you are not sharing your feelings with an agenda, to get something from him, or to manipulate. And, like Rori says, be prepared to accept “No” for an answer. Ultimately, our feelings are our own responsibility, not his or anyone else’s.

    When a man sees that we are accepting ultimate responsibility for our own feelings, if he loves us and is ready to do relationship with us, he will want to help to the extent he is able.

    We witnessed that happening in Lisa’s case, with the apology.

    ~ Melanie



  419.  #419BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 11:31 am

    ““I feel sad and helpless and angry because I am telling myself a story that I am being punished. I don’t want to feel like this. What do you think?”

    I wish I could have done this today!
    It was just…a giant welling up of distress and crying and I didn’t even think about it, I just left, I didn’t want everyone to see me cry over Idon’tevenknowwhat. There was No Access to speech centers or anything like rational thought…lol…pre-verbal stuff? I don’t know.

    Messy.
    I feel better and more clear now, though.



  420.  #420MovingMagic on July 9, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Beloved, when I did a yoga teacher training session 3 years ago, soooo much came up for me. I feel like that was the beginning of my true healing. I began to truly feel emotions that I had been blocking for years. The floodgates opened…& I willingly let them. I embraced them, & in doing so I embraced myself…my life, my sensitivity, my passions & vulnerability. I love the journey you’re on…maybe because it feels similar to my own. 😉



  421.  #421Emerson on July 9, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    I am so much more aware nowadays of self fulfilling prophecies and how our belief systems really have a huge bearing on how things pan out for us.
    It is not my business what other people choose or what they do but I have noticed some really toxic patterns in some of my friends and it hurts me to see it, but I always bring it back to me and wonder if I’m mirroring them in any way.
    Just working on being more self aware!
    FW I like what you said about whatever emotions you put out there come back to you. SO TRUE.
    I have been determined to be upbeat and happy, not in a fake way but just be friendly and open and smiley when going to work and not over the top fake cheerful, but happy and nice and helpful….even those people that made comments to me sounding like they are annoyed like “wow aren’t YOU happy today (snort)”…are coming back around to me with positivity…I am also not allowing myself to be influenced by other people’s negative “news” about whatever the case may be…someone doesn’t like me, there is favoritism, there is this or that. It doesn’t matter.
    If I do my work and do it well, things will work out as they shall.
    I really believe that.

    I’m still feeling a lil sad about my cute CD who is still living with the ex. We are not talking till he moves out. Not sure how I will feel by then.
    In the meantime I am talking to a few other men…not sure if any are keepers…but we shall see…



  422.  #422BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    MovingMagic – tell me more what your life is like now!!! I would love some inspiration!!

    I knew I was on to something special and on the right path when I started feeling really in love with my mother – my heart had been closed to her for SO long. It’s been a process..accepting, ocassionally enjoying, having fun with, liking her okay, feeling love for her to…moments of sheer surrender to the sweetness and tender feelings I haven’t felt since I was a child.
    I’m feeling softer toward my father, too, so those feelings for him would feel really good.

    More and more I feel those feelings for ME, too.
    Yum yum.
    back on track.
    🙂



  423.  #423BeLoved on July 9, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Emerson 418

    “even those people that made comments to me sounding like they are annoyed like “wow aren’t YOU happy today (snort)”…are coming back around to me with positivity…”

    yes yes!! There is a guy here who is totally caustic and would say things like that to me, “You are just a little too happy to be at THIS place”, “well well well Look at Miss Sunshine, you must be on something…” and now, he is so kind, goes out of his way to be super gentle with me, he’s the one who actually bows to me when he comes in my office and hands me stuff, lol.

    It IS contagious. I could really feel it when I was with Mercedes, it was like my hairs stood on end, the energy was almost static, in a good way…I called it “bristling” and I felt like…yes, I’ll have some of that, thank you!!

    It comes in waves…I have my moments…yet with enough practice, a momentum does begin to build and takes others along.



  424.  #424Emerson on July 9, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    420 yes Beloved!! I know what you mean.
    That’s why when I have a choice of who to spend time with I try to be around positive people. Not that we don’t have our ups and downs and I’d be there for a friend even if they are down…
    but if someone is not supportive or pulling me down into the soup I will limit my time with them for sure…
    I am better about that now whereas before I would “suffer” in the name of friendship wanting to be there thru thick and thin…
    I still am…
    but I have my limits and THAT IS OK…

    I also am working on getting better at recognizing when someone is not in my corner and those that are not advocating for me…I avoid them now. I used to try to win them over or force myself to “put up” with them and now I unfriend them on FB without question and I don’t go out of my way to be close to them at all…and some of the people I’m talking about I have been FRIENDS with since high school….
    hmm its interesting isnt it…

    Then I also realize we don’t really share the same values, and I don’t even miss having them in my life. It’s weird and I feel numb sometimes, but doors have opened and new friends have come in and been beyond all expectations…



  425.  #425Emerson on July 9, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Ive also been focusing on the feeling of being with someone who really cares about me, and very affectionate which is HUGELY important to me!!!



  426.  #426Lisa on July 9, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    I feel sad today… not good enough
    I feel like crying…
    I feel confused
    I feel like crawling in my bed and hiding and crying and just taking care of me…

    I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have to do… and feel I can’t stop long enough to deal with my feelings… it hurts…

    I feel confused about “M”… I feel unsure about his feelings… at times… yet the man says, I’m perfect for him….. and we are meant to be together… and still I have doubts… I’m scared… to make another mistake with a man, to get deeply involved and it be unhealthy…

    I’m scared of not knowing… knowing feels so free and safe and open… not knowing feels unclear and unsafe and tied down..

    I want to be with a man that is madly in love with me…

    “M” says this weekend… “you wish you could get rid of me that easy”… “You can’t” I wish that I knew that was true…. that he wouldn’t give up on me…that he loves me that much…

    He says he is committed to me, loves me…

    Why do I still have doubts…. maybe b/c I sense he is holding back, not making plans too far in advance , yet talking about our 10 year anniversary…. maybe it’s me and my feeling of not being good enough, not feeling I deserve happiness…. ?? Reading Beloved post… I see it could be….

    I just want to cry….get it out… understand… feel happy… and loved…not worry about his feelings, and commitment…..men are confusing…

    I love me!

    OXOXOX



  427.  #427Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Really interesting. For the first time in my life I was called “Sunshine” a couple days ago by someone in the office too. I was so shocked I practically froze for a moment because I am only used to hearing my daughter called that by men around me.

    Really really interesting. I did not even recognize that as related to change in my vibe. I did say thank you after the pause but I have to thank you ladies for this discussion. I just had an aha moment.



  428.  #428Femininewoman on July 9, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Lisa your words seem anxious. Are you choosing trust?

    Why are you believing that men are confusing?



  429.  #429Lisa on July 9, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    @femininewoman

    anxious , sad

    I want to choose trust… I’m afraid to…

    Men are confusing b/c they say so many things, and doesn’t mean they really mean them… they say and he has said it too… ” I meant it when I said it”… that’s a cop out…

    Like for instance “M” says I don’t have to say I love you to him b/c he can see it in my eyes, the way I touch him and the love energy that radiates from me…

    From him I feel protectiveness fear of being hurt and withholding… and the Love comes through sometimes…

    I guess, I’m just wishing !!… that it was going to work out… and he was going to be good for me… so I could put all this horrible doubt to rest…. and yes, some of it has to do with men in the past not meaning what they say…and me being so blind not to read between the cracks… and choosing trust when I shouldn’t have… there are cracks here… and I don’t want to overlook them again… ugggg

    I’m just scared… to get my heart smashed again… tears are pouring out now….

    I’m scared of loving deeply again, and it not being returned… more tears….

    I love him so much, but not in a I have to have him way, not in a needy way… I just love him…

    he has been so hurt in the past and has guards up…that feels unsafe for me… it feels like the slate wasn’t clean to begin a new relationship… wounded men can be timid…and cause all kinds of drama to protect themselves…that is happening with us…

    That’s why men are confusing to me…

    Thanks!

    OXOXO



  430.  #430Dominique on July 9, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Lisa – 429 – The slate is never clean when getting into relationship and even going forward. There will be hurts and traumas from the past which sometimes come up in direct or indirect ways.

    When it comes to trusting, you need to trust you first and foremost, that your deep, inner wise goddess will let you know tell you everything you need to know. Ad you CAN learn to hear her more and more clearly,

    xxoo



  431.  #431April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    I don’t have the strength to take care of the relationship.
    (judgement of self)

    I make a mistake, and WM is down on me with anger and blame.

    I haven’t practised Rori’s tools for a week.

    It’s got pretty unpleasant.

    I have PMT. And I indulge my fieriness in being right, and won’t back down.
    I feel so much anger.

    The connection is dashed to pieces.

    He won’t pick up the bits.
    I’m not sure I want to any more.



  432.  #432April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    I was feeling so good on Thursday, when I wrote he was driving back to me with flowers.

    They were half dead pot plants left over from a festival.

    Our is a half-dead love that I’m hanging onto, having forgotten why.



  433.  #433Lisa on July 9, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    @Dominique 430

    Ok! Yes, your right… I need to realize that and give him a break….

    Yes, I do need to trust me… and my inner goddess that she will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it… I want to hear her more clearly….

    crying…. love the tears…. trusting is scary…I can do it…

    <3



  434.  #434Shanta on July 9, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    I have a question to Rori or Dominique or anyone experienced with using Rori’s tools.

    I see that quite a few women on here say often that they have been practicing Rori’s tools for years & stopped & things went wrong & some say they haven’t practied in weeks or months & things aren’t looking good.

    My question is will or can we ever reach a point where there is NO PRACTICING the tools? Will there ever be a point when we have practiced so much with the tools that it comes naturally? I don’t want to have to out so much effort into what will I say? What will I do? How should I respond?
    I now know what a godess and true siren is. I use to be that woman. I have been pondering what happened to that woman.

    Thanks ladies!!!



  435.  #435April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I had such a good day with him on Saturday, imagining he was in charge and leading us capably.

    On Sunday I was niggly and premenstrual and semi-playfully getting grumpy and taking charge.

    He dropped the oars then. Hasn’t picked them up since.



  436.  #436April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    This feisty side of me likes me better than when I’m being all girly-gushy.
    It feels more like me.

    So why would i want a man who prefers me when I’m putting on an act?



  437.  #437April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    (((((Lisa)))))



  438.  #438April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    I’ve slipped back into eating gluten and sugar. Usually both together.
    Ick.



  439.  #439April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    If you’re a girl like me who has had to curb many of her dominant tendencies, and managed against all her habitual forces to let a man be the boss, then sooner or later the ‘old girl’ is going to pop up again (especially if you feed her wheaty, sugary snacks i.e. CAKE)

    She is back with a vengeance. She does not like being repressed. Now where can I find some more men to annihilate?



  440.  #440April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    I will do battle with these men. And until they show me who is boss, I will not respect them.

    No more giving unworthy men leadership over me. It feels unsafe when they show they are not capable.



  441.  #441April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Sirens, please feel free to comment.

    I feel like I’m on a runaway horse, some kind of outcast; banished. And I feel puzzled what did I do that was so wrong?

    Feeling bewildered.



  442.  #442Liquid Light on July 9, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    I dunno, April Rose, I feel similar. There has to be a balance, you can’t deny your true self too much, it (she) will come up to bite you at some point…hahahaha!!! But I can relate, I feel like my last relationship ended because my true self started to surface. And THAT was a good thing. I prob should have let her surface a lot earlier but was trying to apply the tools…learning, learning. Next time, there will be more balance, and I won’t sweep the red flags under the rug…



  443.  #443April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    I find it so hard to seperate…

    like when Rori says to speak about your anger, rather than from the anger. I’m so in it.. not easy to step back and observe it.

    Liquid Light, I feel intrigued. What aspects of your true self started to surface, and how did that affect your relationship?



  444.  #444Lisa on July 9, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    @April Rose

    <3 Thanks so much!!!

    I do know what you mean about gluten and sugar… I'm gluten free…. and I do very little sugar… but not completely sugar free yet…

    @Shina

    I get that and thanks for that wonderful post… I should focus more on how I'm feeling when with him.. I do focus on it… but I notice I also focus as much on what he is doing and how and why… I'm hearing I should only focus on ME all the time…

    It gets confusing when I'm feeling like a Queen and very happy…. then he does something or doesn't do something, says something etc. then I don't feel so good…

    the question is… or comment… can you feel like a Queen or good all the time… b/c that seems to be wanting perfection…

    Can he lead the relationship to happily every after, I have no clue… he was at one point… then it changed and it seems to go back and forth…

    I'm not actively dating anyone else… so, I stopped dating the other guy I was dating too soon, I know that now… but only b/c I didn't want to have sex with 2 men at the same time… and that is for obvious reasons… so I had to choose… b/c it was at that point… "M" was ready to commit, but it wasn't marriage…. my mistake I guess… I do circle date with men at the stores and such… practice being open to them… etc…

    I have so many questions about what you posted…

    thanks so much!

    OXOXOX



  445.  #445Liquid Light on July 9, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Re. anger, I think she says to not blame the other person when angry but its fine to speak from anger. Authenticity is key and what we label as bad or negative emotions are perfectly fine as long as they aren’t expressed in a blaming way.

    Anyway, I just started asserting myself more – my need for time to work, make art, sleep etc. The more I asserted my needs, the more he upped the pressure for more time, more sex, more attention…more, more, MORE, and then finally the whole thing broke down. I was totally exhausted by the end of the relationship. THAT should have been my big clue!



  446.  #446April Rose on July 9, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Liquid Light,

    It sounds in some ways similar to my situation, only its me that wants more! I try not to pressure, though.

    I’m starting to feel bad now. When the gluten and sugar are flushed out of my system (I’m going to drink lots of water) I think I’ll look back in panic to the way I’ve been behaving.



  447.  #447Sassy on July 9, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    April Rose,

    Is it possible the masculine and feminine energies are reversed in your relationship? If so, has that worked for you
    in the past?

    I had that previously. I had the report by Carol Allen done about how our energies related with his being in the feminine and mine being in the masculine, and everything she said was right on point. Even down to him taking 20 minutes to respond to a question that was on an emotional level.
    It was scary how true it was.



  448.  #448Syreena on July 9, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Leadership to me doesn’t mean he gets to control me or what I do.

    He gets to lead and initiate, suggest and request then I get to chose if it feels good or right for me in each and every moment, not just blindly follow. And spesk up in feeling messages if I don’t want to follow or something feels bad

    I want a quality leader who takes my feelings desires needs and wants into consideration, not a dictator or tyrant who wants me to boss me around expecting me to obey.



  449.  #449Liquid Light on July 9, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    AR

    I think its totally valid to want to respect the man. That’s how I feel too and I just won’t date anyone I don’t respect. Waste o time. Period.

    I have a lot to offer and I expect the man to have a lot to offer too…Wow, that feels so empowering to express that and KNOW it!!! 🙂