The Rori Raye Third Way – You Don’t Have To Break Up With Him

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We’re just so conditioned to “move on” from a man –  that we subject ourselves to pain and misery that’s just not necessary.


You don’t need to make yourself miserable and “break up” with a man just to get on with your life!!

We all think you have to have a “clean break.”  And for some of us – that’s the only thing that works – but for me, and for my clients who’re willing to try this “Third Way” – it’s a completely different experience – something pretty amazing that makes you FEEL the power you actually, truly HAVE!

Who said you had to be exclusive?  Who said you have to be “true blue”? What exactly does all that mean?  What is a relationship anyway?

These are questions we don’t ask – because we take the answers for granted.

We just keep doing what we’ve always done, what everyone’s done…only – it ISN’T what EVERYONE has done!!

There’ve been all kinds of standards throughout history – and most of them have women at the bottom of the heap. We’re operating in some archaic “system” that has never, ever worked for us – though it was DESIGNED TO!!

Yes! “Relationship” – the whole idea of  “family” and “marriage” came about to preserve some important aspects of community – where people just had to be “held in line” somehow.

And, when women were “property” – a man had to have some kind of “papers” on us (like we do our pets). There had to be some “papers” for children.

Now – all that’s out the window.

So many mothers now are single mothers. Either they started out that way, or ended up that way.

We think men are irrational and uncommittable – but the truth is – who benefits from commitment the MOST these days?

The person who benefits the most from commitment these days is the person who stands the most to lose should the relationship fall apart.

(And I’m not talking here about the pain and financial ruin of divorce – which in itself is a HUGE deterrent to marriage for many men AND women – but NOT a deterrent to commitment.

So – here’s a letter for us to work with:

“Hello, I just sent a letter to Rori, I’m re-posting it here just in case and because any comments or input of any sort would be so very welcome…

Please Rori, I’m in such pain right now and I’ve no one to turn to…I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, he’s 24, I’m 29. He went after me in the beginning, seemed so “in love”… I didn’t care so much for him then… then from the moment we got together, things totally reversed. I fell completely, while he seemed to stop seeing with through rose-colored glasses. Things were VERY difficult in the beginning of our relationship – the courting phase was so incredible, I felt so loved and we felt such harmony, and suddenly when we got together all that seemed to go down the toilet. So things were really difficult, as in, we were CONSTANTLY having ugly, ugly fall outs, I didn’t see him very much (a couple of nights a week) and almost every time we saw each other something bad happened…

After a year, he finally said to me that he thought we weren’t good together, that he missed his freedom, and that although he cared for me so much, he thought we were better apart.
This totally shred me to pieces, I couldn’t imagine life without him. I read everything I could find about getting your ex back, did everything they said (stop calling him and initiating any contact, focus on yourself again, don’t let him know how much you miss him and that you’re miserable…) and after a month, he was back telling me he wanted to give it another go.

This is when I realized the power of good information (I’m sure I’d never have been able to get him back on my own); this is also when I found you and you have helped me SO MUCH, Rori! I really wanted to start the relationship again on a good and solid foundation and wanted to learn, so I delved into your blog, newsletters and programs, and things really shifted. Unfortunately, although I know by personal experience that what you teach actually totally works, I wasn’t always able to apply it in my life. I slipped much more often than I’d have liked.

So things did get better with my boyfriend, but not quite yet to a state where I could feel he wanted me as much as I wanted him. No more fall-outs, no more of the constant horrible drama, more and more of feeling at ease, relaxed and good together, even sometimes hinting about our future together (which NEVER happened in the beginning of our relationship)… but still living in separate apartments and no real plans or even dreaming together of our future, buying a house, having a family and all the good stuff… We spent more and more time together though, seeing each other practically every night.

I know you said never to have “the talk” when you’re in an emotional pit… but I did that, not only once, but several times. (yes, I’m a bad pupil…)
Well, I did it again yesterday night and it backfired so bad.
I basically told him he needed to decide whether he really wanted to be with me or not, because I was sensing his ambivalence and it was making me unhappy, and that I thought I deserved to be with someone who thought I was the most precious thing and never wanted to let me go. He finally told me that he had been thinking about this a lot lately and that he didn’t think he could give me what I needed. That although he was definitely in love with me, he felt my unhappiness, and he also felt stifled by our relationship, felt he couldn’t be himself and I couldn’t accept him as he is. He cried at the thought of having to let me go, told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me, but that maybe something better was ahead for each of us, and that if it didn’t feel right, it probably wasn’t right.

This happened so fast – yesterday morning we were casual and laughing together and a few hours later, he tells me we’re probably better off apart.
We woke up this morning both feeling totally crappy, I could see that he had decided this was the end and that the thought was making him miserable. We talked some more and I told him I didn’t want to let him go, that I thought if he still loves me then we should try and work it out. I could see that I didn’t have to push very far for him to change his mind, and I did that. He finally left my apartment for work saying he didn’t feel capable of ending things now, and that we should talk more later and decide what to do.

I know that if I had said “you’re right, we’re no good together” he would have walked out for good.
The truth is that I am terrified of losing him. In my deepest core I feel he’s probably right, that things are not clicking like they should, that it shouldn’t be so difficult, that I’m frustrated that its been 3 years and still no plans for the future. But I also love him so much and I know he loves me… also, he’s an incredibly good guy, loving, caring, always ok to try and work things out, I’d completely bet my life that he would NEVER cheat on me or lie to me, he has never behaved badly toward me – the only thing he does (or doesn’t do) that is making me suffer, is that he doesn’t seem to be totally in love and willing to do anything to be with me.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I can’t picture my life without him. If he does leave me, I know I’m going to feel pretty much suicidal. (I’ll hang on but I KNOW I’ll be in horrible, horrible pain…) I want to turn things around again but am I just holding on to someone who doesn’t want me? Or can my dream of love with my dream man still happen?
Please Rori, give me a hint. I’m pleading right now because I’m don’t know how I’ll get through this without any support. Thank you so much for what you do, you are a god-sent. V.”

V, I want to wrap my arms around you and call you “honey…”

I’m so sorry for your pain…and I want to be very, very tough so you can see what’s real here.
You are looking at all this from a completely unreal, untruthful place, and I need to up-end that perspective.

1. You broke up with him, he didn’t break up with you.

You gave him an ultimatum and he was unsure. You gave him no choice, and so you made this decision, not him.

He’d be happy to just keep “dating” you until he didn’t feel anything for you anymore – and that isn’t where he’s at – he’s still feeling attraction for you, and all the work you’ve done has made this easier for him to feel attracted to you.

2. You have options you haven’t even considered.

Circular Dating.


3. If you can’t handle the open-ended-ness of this – he’s VERY young, and this is all he’s capable of right now – then you need to move on.

If what you want NOW is marriage and family – then lose this one and get out there!!! The faster you move on, the faster you’ll get what you want.

4. And, as you move on – over time – that’s also your best bet to get this man. BUT IT MAY TAKE TIME!!

5. The decision and the power here is YOURS.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1bea on May 27, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Woah. I’m having some of the same issues as V. 3 weeks ago, I had a date with the boy but he broke it off (via text) because he had a big meeting the next day & there was a work dinner to strategize the night before. i responded ‘im feeling bummed, i was feeling excited to see you.” and wished him luck with his meeting. he responded thx and i’m sorry. nada since. i’m trying just to put any thoughts of him to one side and trying the third way…but it’s sooo hard.

  2.  #2Simply Shannon on May 27, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    This post scares me. The whole idea that marriage is just a piece of paper. I feel cringing, sinking low, no, no, no. If that’s true and I stand to lose the most, what kind of man do I want and why the heck get married?

    Rori: You are married. What does it mean to you? I feel confused and kind of angry.

    Argh. No. I can have the relationship I want. And I want one man. This dating multiple men, while fun in the short term, feels exhausting. Yes, scary as hell to make the big commitment (in my case – again) but I just can’t fathom it any other way. I don’t want this dream of mine to be reduced to a piece of paper. Frig and frak. I feel pissed!

  3.  #3Simply Shannon on May 27, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    As to V, gosh I remember that fear all too well, that pain. Ugh. That I would die if a man left me. I still feel the fear and some of the pain but nothing like what I experienced before. Nothing will break me now. Nothing.

  4.  #4Lizzie on May 27, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    There is indeed a third way. I have seen it work incredibly well and I would give it serious consideration for the right man.

    My sister is a single mom of 19 years. Over the years she dated odd fellows – many were pretty poor choices as she would describe. Never the less, she took up sailing and one of her crew-mates became her lover. She kept her own house and grew-up her son and built her career. Her lover, kept his own house. Over the years, he son and her lover clashed quite significantly to the point where they had a all-out brawl! But she didn’t dump her lover. The two men just wouldn’t see each other. Oddly, it worked. Eventually her son, who is now 19, is getting on with his life. So as my sister and her lover were looking more forward to building a life together – surprise surprise!!! at 49, my sister found herself pregnant!

    I laughed myself silly with happiness for her when she told me – what a gift! (years of infertility treatments didn’t get me any closer to having a baby and here she is preggers at 49 – I felt such happiness – babies are a gift) The interesting thing was, just about everyone under the sun said she had to marry her lover – and I told her the opposite. This is what I said –

    What is important to you? You love your independence; you love your little house; you love what you do for a living; you love being able to go to your own house for your private time. If you marry your lover – all of that will change. All your expectations will change and you will expect him to change. And we know he will not change. And you love him the way he is right now, but you will expect him to do the following: you will expect him to get a job; you know he will never get a job; when you fell in love with him you knew he would never have a job. You will expect him to fix your house or you will expect each other to give up your houses and buy a new one; but you love your house and it is yours and you will have to share your house and that will make you very unhappy. You will expect him to help you look after your baby girl – he can do that from anywhere he doesn’t have to live with you. We all know he is an odd person – you love him as an odd person; and we know you will expect him to become “normal” but he can’t change and it isn’t fair to expect him to be different than he is. So follow your real heart, keep him as your lover, help him find his way to look after you and the baby in a way that suits him best and he will be incredibly loyal and a wonderful lover and father. Don’t live with him and don’t marry him. you will both be happy that way. It has now been 3 years – they are incredibly happy! madly in love, he is a terrific father, he helps my sister as much as he is capable.

    There are many pathways and many choices. Loving someone is a choice.

  5.  #5Daria on May 27, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    To me this post says nothing about not marrying.

  6.  #6Daria on May 27, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    The Rori way Third Way is not about not marrying,

    but about dating many men without exclusivity, including the ones you may like a lot, until one steps up to offer you the relationship you want – usually marriage.

  7.  #7Rachel on May 27, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Tomorrow is a BIG anniversary for me and my guy and I find myself gripped with fear that he will forget. He has been rather quiet this week. I know he is legitimately busy with some things at work. But here I am on the night before, imagining how I will feel this time tomorrow night if he does or says nothing.

    I want to trust that we are in a good place and that he’ll remember and pour love my way. (I know he knows the date and he mentioned a few weeks ago that May 28 was “our anniversary”) But something in my gut tells me that the day will come and go…

    So… I’m confessing my fear here and resisting the urge to somehow “remind” him. And I would welcome any suggestions of how I can handle my emotions if my fears come true.

    Any feeling message ideas for later if he forgets? Is there a way I can tell him how hurt I was without making him feel “wrong?”

    Sigh…. I truly hope that tomorrow night I can write and report a loving, joyful day. He doesn’t have to do much… just remember! I don’t even care if I get anything. Just the acknowledgement that it was a beautiful, significant day.

    Thanks for listening!

  8.  #8Daria on May 27, 2010 at 9:23 pm



    fuck everybody!

    I can just be cool studying calculus for fun and looking like a model





  9.  #9mary on May 27, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    island man is on plenty of fish right now.

    oh! somebody please help me!

    how did this happen? i was in a good place!

    i wasn’t gonna let my heart get involved.

    i felt like you, Shannon. “nothing can break me now. nothing.”

    and somehow, somewhere along the way, i let island man in. and then he went out the back door. and he’s gone…

    imaginary. intermittent. illusive.

    island man.

    i have been on a roller coaster for a month or two, thinking about you.

    someone help me off!

    wasn’t i trying to help someone else off just this morning? some lofty thoughts, there. why aren’t they helping me?

    i’m gonna have to go for a moonlight walk.

    i feel mad.

    at island man.

    at the world.

    at circular dating.

    at R.

    at P, my ex.

    at T, my other ex.

    this is where i should go play the piano, but i’m tired. i’m beat. i’m upset. i’m lonely. i’m too far away from my family!

    ohhhhhhhhhhh, mary.

    i want to just get in touch with R and say, “where are you?”

  10.  #10mary on May 27, 2010 at 10:20 pm


    i’m sorry!

    i just feel so down.

    and three guys are VERY interested in going out this weekend.

    i just don’t know if i can.

    how, oh how does this circular dating work? are we machines? i don’t know if i can do it, Rori. i’ve been so trying it! my heart gets involved without my permission. and despite my very best efforts, i can’t keep it from happening.

    i’m at a loss.

    i don’t know where to go from here.

  11.  #11Daria on May 28, 2010 at 12:10 am

    I just did Donna Eden’s 5 minute Energize routine.

    I do believe that and my oil pulling was what was helping me.

    Now my mind needs rest. Meditation. I am taking care of me, though I feel like im trudging through heavy heavy

  12.  #12Daria on May 28, 2010 at 12:11 am

    but the energizer has perked up my energy quite a bit

    Mary – you’re doing great!

    Feel your feelings. Love them. Write about them, or dip in them and speak to your body

  13.  #13mary on May 28, 2010 at 12:37 am

    oh, daria!

    i’ve been feeling like something was wrong with R. and i just drove over to his condo. his car wasn’t there. and the lights were on. weird, because it’s late. so i went over there, and he’s moving.

    he’s moving.

    he’s my anchor here.

    i’m freaking out.

    island man is online, and after our two saturdays together, i don’t want to play this dating game. we talked about real stuff. he told me all kinds of things.

    this kind of dating is not for me.

    i feel sick.

    i’m exploding.

    i’m sobbing.

    and old flame just emailed me. his divorce is going to trial. and the trial won’t start until december. they’re saying it could take a year in trial.

    i’m devastated.

    have to start over now.

    do something different.


    tear my hair out.


    i can’t just go out on zillions of coffee dates and call that a life.

    R is moving.
    island man is out of the picture.
    old flame is not even on the horizon.

    and i am dying.

    this is not an adventure any more. i want out.

    i am opting out.

    what about tomorrow?

    cancel everything.

    i can’t do it.

    i’m dying.

  14.  #14mary on May 28, 2010 at 12:45 am

    the blinds were open. he never leaves the blinds open. even if he’s moving.

    the lights were on. he never leaves the lights on. even if he’s moving.

    what if he died?

    i’m going back over there. just look in the window again. sorry, but i have to.

  15.  #15Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 1:30 am



    When you repeat the activity over and over, neurotransmitter chemicals stimulate the brain cells related to the activity to grow dendrites, which are filaments on the brain cell, to reach out and connect with the other brain cells involved. With enough repetition, the brain cells actually do connect in a circuitry of brain cells called a “neural pathway.” This growth and connection of the neural pathway takes lots of repetition and time to establish itself.

    (How long have you been overfunctioning?) It can feel wierd to lean back.. and CD! But wait.. there is hope 🙂 Just gotta break into a new pattern (literally)

    The first time you do something, it’s not already programmed in your brain. You don’t have the “hard-wired” neural pathways that enable the activity. But your brain makes it happen anyway. It coordinates all the various perceptual, cognitive and physical signals needed to do the activity. This requires concentration. Your brain works overtime to put all this together. That’s why even though you can do it, the activity feels awkward at first!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Once it’s connected, the brain is literally “hard-wired” with a simple, efficient circuitry that enables the activity. The brain no longer has to work hard to make it happen, so the activity “feels easy” to you, as if it were second nature. You just do it automatically, without having to think about it.

    The cool thing is, the neural pathway is now a physical part of your brain, so it won’t go away. In other words, you can’t forget the skill. Even if you tried. That’s why riding a bike comes back to you so naturally, even if you haven’t done it for decades. You don’t have to relearn it.. Enjoy your skills!

  16.  #16mary on May 28, 2010 at 1:34 am

    wow alicia! i can’t think of anything anyone could have said that would have made me feel better.

    you really think so?

    if i just keep going out with these guys, it’ll get easier?

    it seems like it’s taking time out from my already busy day… seems like wasting time.

    but i know it’s not. because i’m learning.

    thank you.

  17.  #17mary on May 28, 2010 at 1:37 am

    i did go back over to R’s house and he’s just painting. the fans were on… and the lights were on, and the blinds were up.

    he painted it my color. i guess he had some left over from the condo we bought when we were gonna get married.

    too bad… i called him. once on his cell phone and twice on his home phone! of course, everything was turned off… i didn’t leave a message, but he’ll see that i called. oh, well.

    his home phone was forwarded to his… cell phone, and his cell phone was turned off, because he goes to bed at night, like a reasonable, normal person…

  18.  #18Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 1:40 am

    Alrighty, I did some research.. I have been doing an experiment with LOA – law of attraction, (less then ten minutes a day with utube short videos) but, I bumped it up a notch with hypnosis.. I realized what I was missing before was the “feeling” I would look at pics.. But, now with the auditory/reading producing a feeling, the images/visuals connect to the brain faster and form a pattern.. *neural pathway

    The link below has some great visuals and scripts, Health, Wealth, & RELATIONSHIPS.. It’s more of a hypnosis… and relaxation…

    They have a great soul mate hypno script… I might see if I can post it.. It’s a pinch long but, super awesome read.. Very pretty and relaxing.. 🙂

  19.  #19mary on May 28, 2010 at 1:44 am

    thank you alicia!

    i feel calmed down now.

    at least, i feel more calm now than i did.

    oh, i always think that maybe something’s wrong with me when this kind of thing happens…

    i’ll check out that link!

  20.  #20mary on May 28, 2010 at 1:51 am

    if island man had gone home after the second saturday, and kept in contact with me, and made solid plans to get together again, and occasionally emailed me, i would have felt really wonderful.

    i’m not looking for someone who treats me badly.

    but he didn’t. he got home and got right back on plenty of fish (and i must admit that i did, too), and he hardly even emailed me. he did send those cyber-flowers, but the emails weren’t really happening.

    now that i know he’s talking with someone else and flirting online – two or three hours at night – i feel less interested.

    i mean, i just had a fit, but i really feel let down and disappointed, and not sure i’m up for another round.

    i don’t think that circular dating is natural at all. i’m really not sure i want to go out with island man again after he got interested in talking with someone else and basically ignored me.

    i don’t like being treated that way.

  21.  #21Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 1:53 am

    Oh for sure Mary!!!

    I believe we all know that little addiction feelings to someone is like but, that it just that brain wave thing.. (ON top of the Ocytocin – bonding chemical, that women release more of then men)…

    I got flustered and deleted my dating profile.. But, I had a back up one.. haha. And I will redo my profile again. I know how tough this being open and receptive healing thing would seem easy… BUT helllllll no it’s not… haha. Sometimes.. It feels good and other times. I’m just like I want my hot passionate emotional provoking guy!!!! What on earth! Why do I have to deal with these guys and go thru these motions when I’m hardly attracted..

    It feels like slooooooow – slooooooow jump ten spaces! And then slowwwww, borrrrring, snoring, wake up some where totally new.. I’m justing lusting for a hottie again! haha.. It’s biological, I swear.. haha.. And I like in person bar/ beer organic chemistry!!! This new.. type, text, type akward polite convo is fading on me.. But, I’m open to it.. I’m forcing the brain pattern.. haha. I must be receptive.. and the only way I am comfortable dating a super hottie is if I’m talking to about ten other guys.. I have learned!!!! lol… And I will be leaning back!

  22.  #22Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:07 am

    Mary… Awww. I didn’t know you were going to get married.. to him.. OUCH! Well, three things..

    Good note – He painted it your color! I would speak out on that.. That “felt” good I’m sure!!!

    1. you drove there
    2. you called on the cell
    3. you called him at home (twice?)

    Is this after you drove there??????? You need emergency blog access.. haha. I had to literally read notes in my email- sent to myself – sitting in my inbox. That said – LEAN BACK!!! DO NOT LEAN FORWARD AND DO NOT EMAIL HIM – AND P.S. YOU ARE AWESOME AND TOO GOOD FOR THIS!!!

    Maybe that will help?? haha. It helped me.. I broke the pattern…

    IWhat’s with all the forwarded phones? The volume doesnt just go down? Anyway… CD is the answer.. and sadly it’s the only answer.. haha. In most cases!

    Now when I see some one new.. I already know Rori’s advice to them……. “Back up girlfriend and date other men”

    It will bring out the hunter in him.. really its good for everyone.. Once you realize you could be potentially sabotoging this relationship if you dont lean back and CD… then you will have the courage to stop.. Becuase you will be too afraid to sabatoge it. Make sense.. all that is really – is tying something negative to that behavior so there is no pay off and you stop!!! Right now the pay off is crumbs.. So pull yourself together.. and the person he was attracted to!! But you have to CD and lean back!! Good luck, keep me posted..

  23.  #23Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:13 am

    Mary –
    Well. I was confused you are doing better then you thought.. JUST keep responding to all the guys on POF and accept dates.. This will be okay.. I’m actually getting your men confused.. Who is island man? Is R someone else?? You can do this girl!!
    I feel like I am trying to pull myself out of quicksand.. I am just making myself do these little experiments… So hopefully, It’s just changing emotional patterns.. that feels ick. And real intimacy (not just physical) still feels distant.. but, closer but scary.. I feel like this is taking forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24.  #24Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:19 am

    Mary –

    What? And you got cyber flowers???!!! haha.. That is great.. Did you tell him they smelled cyber delicious? 🙂 And felt pretty.. I think that guy was speaking in actions…

    Oprah just had a thing on today. All this technology is actually not intimate.. This key stroking if you will.. I can hardly tolerate when a guy says hey.. what’s up, – like every day.. the same thing.. Soooo, I dunno, I wouldn’t take it personally.. He used his point on you.. haha for flowers.. 🙂

  25.  #25Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:31 am

    By Victoria Gallagher

    Begin to visualize yourself walking on a sandy beach along a beautiful Oceanside. It is a warm and clear day. The sand feels like silk under your feet. The air all around you feels refreshing and pure. There is an occasional quiet breeze. The atmosphere is serene and radiant. The warmth of the sun on your face enhances your inner glow. You have a sense of gratitude about being in this special place. There is something extraordinary about this day. Everything is so still and perfect. The sky is the most gorgeous shade of blue you’ve ever seen, accented with fluffy white clouds. You settle on a place to sit for a few moments on the sand so you can receive all of the magnificence that is available here. Listen to the sound of the ocean. Notice there is a rhythmic motion that brings you a feeling of peace and calm. Notice the exquisite turquoise shade of the water. You see beauty everywhere you focus your awareness. You feel completely safe and you are. Your body relaxes more deeply. Feel yourself melt into the sand. Recognize your connection to all that is surrounding you. Your body is being re-energized. A healing energy absorbs any tension from your body and you feel light. You feel prepared to experience something wonderful. A sense of pleasant anticipation begins to envelop you. And you now say the following words; My one true soul mate please join with me now. The anticipation grows stronger. You say it again. My one true soul mate please join with me now. A very intense energy as though this lightness you are feeling is all that you are and all that you have ever been. You say it one more time; my one true soul mate please join with me now. You become ever present into that feeling of lightness. You may notice it like a tingle or it may seem as though there is a glow around your body. As you sink deeper into that feeling you notice that there is nothing around you, except that there is a faint image of a silhouette gradually beginning to appear in front of you. The essence of this being feels familiar to you. You feel a sense of belonging with this person a sense of innocent kinship…like you have finally come home. This person comes into focus more clearly. You may or may not be able to recognize them physically, but there is a deep feeling that you know this soul on a very profound intimate level and that you have known this so for a very long time. You gaze intensely into each others eyes. This soul has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. You enjoy the attraction you feel toward one another. You feel so loved, accepted, and understood. You have a high regard of respect toward each other. With a sense of wonder, you both reach out to touch each other, first just a finger, and then two, and slowly growing to grasping each others hands and hold tightly, yet gently. You both smile as you realize you are communicating so clearly and understanding each others thoughts with no words that need to be spoken at all. How breathtaking it is to be in each others presence during this sacred moment in the now. What a beautiful connection you share with each other. You reach out to hold each other closely and tightly. It feels so good to be held by this person. Just breathe in all the love you are feeling right now. Breathe in their fragrance. Breathe their essence right into every cell in your body and allow it to nourish your soul with the eternal healing love of your spiritual partner. Now take a moment to share why you have called upon your soul mate at this time. Are there any beneficial reasons in your spiritual journey why you should not be together now? Are there any areas of your life that are preventing you from being with your soul mate at this moment? What are the necessary steps to take to prepare yourself for the arrival of your soul mate in this lifetime? Are there any other messages you have for each other? Now, your soul mate smiles at you in a friendly and lovingly way and surrounds you with a light that carries a distinct magnetic energy. This energy is so powerful and it can be felt by only your soul mate. You are to surround your soul mate with this same magnetic energy. Notice how loved and safe and warm you feel while bearing this light. Whenever you think about this light it charges it with even more magnetism. This magnetism will cause situations to occur in each of your lives that will bring you closer and closer together. The magnetic power this light has to draw one another together will be unmistakable when you finally meet. You will also charge this light by going into this special state of awareness on a daily basic for the next 30 days to spend time with your soul mate. As you do this you may find new messages that support you in finding each other. Now take a moment to share any final messages with each other. And see yourselves both being surrounded by the magnetic light. Breathe in deeply and release and know that you can be together anytime you wish and the time for being together in this lifetime will be here soon. If you listen to this recording consistently for 30 days, and the messages you receive are in alignment with meeting your soul mate now, you shall meet within the next 90 days. You will increase your chances of this happening by imagining this light around you more and more often, by letting go of any obstacles that might be in your way, by preparing a list of at least 20 qualities you wish of your ideal mate to have, and by actively pursuing any of the messages given to you during this hypnosis session. And now this person begins to fade out of your awareness in much the same way that they arrived. You find yourself back on the beach again. Take a moment to appreciate all that has just taken place. Breathe in again and remember that magnetic light that exists all around you. Breathe out now and let the entire scene go. Just let go of it completely. Trust that you have done it right and that the universe will now do the work it needs to do. Trust that you everything you have asked to have happen, will happen for your benefit and your highest good, which means the highest good of all beings. Breathe in again and you can now if its time for sleep you can allow yourself to drift off into dreamy drowsy deep sleep and you will simply bypass any of the remaining suggestions for waking. And now if it is time for you to come back to full waking consciousness, you will do so at the count of 5, feeling relaxed and well rested, like you are waking up from a nice long nap. So, if you are ready to come back now, youll come up slowly and gently at the count of 5. Number one. You are beginning to feel your body where it has been resting so still and quiet and notice the blood flow begin to pick up its pace just a little, perhaps by noticing a tingling in your fingers, your head or your toes. Number two. Waking up even more now. Good feel your body emerging from its restful state into a wakeful energetic state. Good and three. Thats right you are ready now to be wakeful, so breathe in the wakeful energy and breathe out any feelings of being tired. Notice how good it feels to become wakeful again. And number four, almost there. You can now move your arms and your legs, wiggle your fingers and toes and stre-e-e-tch out your torso so. Good. And now five. Eyes wide open. You are fully alert and ready to be responsive and energetic. You have all your energy and you perfectly wide awake.

  26.  #26Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:38 am

    Ummmm… “”That above”” was a little actually ALOT longer then I thought.. I feel sorry for that.. Oppsie Daisy!!

    It does feel good to read..

  27.  #27Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Rori & V-

    I like this article.. I too read the “Get your Ex back” books and they pretty much confirm what Rori says (don’t waste your money on them) It’s free on here.. Lean back and CD and find the sparkly you again that made him fall in the first place…

    V- I feel concerned about the age.. Three years means you met when he was 21, right?? Well, I feel good in that, you hold more cards then you think.. Just start using “I feel” bring in him don’t push him out… with feelings. And he knows what kind of men are out there for you… From 20-30 is a huge leap in the person you are.. For him and for you even 26-29 my dating style changed drastically and 29 was such a great year!!! I would take it by day by day.. as long as you stay busy dating you and other guys, the leaning back will not be such a challange. And I would talk about being sexually “exclusive”.. and let him be pursuing you.. I’m sure we will all benefit from you story and progress. – HUGS AND LUCK!!

  28.  #28lynn on May 28, 2010 at 4:07 am

    I have a question here that I need help with. Rori, I have a friend from work who I have been sharing your ebook with and we have talking to try to help with this guy she has been seeing for over a year. They are currently dating other people but are not exclusive and are still talking to eachother too. He told her the other night that she was “in his head” and he didn’t like it..she said “what, how do you mean?” He told her that when he has sex that its her he thinks about during.” She was floored. Then he asked if that happened to her too. She hasn’t responded back yet…she doesn’t know how…HELP what does this mean for a man/ to a man? They are in their mid 30’s – does age really matter in something like this , really?!!

  29.  #29Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 5:18 am

    Abraham Hicks – Author – Energy Expert

    Attracting your mate/ Loving you dates… What is your vibe you are sending out? (Click below)

    This other one was also really good!

    68 seconds Pure Thought Energy

    Glorious Experience of Allowing‏

    I made a little folder in my email for all my favorite relationship info.. Rori, blog post I like, videos.. It’s sweet!

    Have a good day beauty queens!!

  30.  #30Linda on May 28, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Mary – I recognize in your writings something I have inside me.

    I was heart broken and dispondent when I found this site and its information. Totally taken off guard and devistated when I was dumped by a man that called me his fiance’ and told me and showed me he loved me every day for 2 years.

    I started doing the things I read here. Circular Dating….Yet inside me is the where my big battle was and still is at times. I found and relutantly admitted that my biggest hurdle was to stop investing my energy and hopes in finding love. Instead I needed to get wrapped up in ME and unwrapped in finding eall the other stuff. I would go out on a circular date and be on POF.& match… (inside almost breathlessly at times) hoping that “this next contact would be the right one”. That is where I came face to face with my internal overfuctioning and my focus.

    The words you wrote just reminded me of me and the mental stuff I would and still do at times. For me it was the silent internal overfuctioning that I had to curb and deal with.

    I think that single thing that I would think when I was first dealing with this in me was “if a man is not in front of you he is NOT real”…. This helped me gain some awareness of where my head was and shouldnt be and helped put the online thing in a better perspective for me personally.

    Island man, R, and Old flame, need to earn the right to occupy your time and thoughts. Consider not giving them and the prospect of them in your life so much energy. If you hear from them be open and warm, but dont put your focus on them or the posibility of them…. In the mean time.. focus on YOU and what makes you happy that does not require a man to accomplish that.

    I am reminding myself of this too. It does not come naturally to me.


  31.  #31Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 5:41 am

    Such wise words, Linda. Internal overfunctioning! Wow… you are right! That IS the issue. Even on the days when I am “good” and lean back outwardly, I am still leaning, yearning, reaching inwardly.

    Even when I’m doing things for “me,” he is still there occupying my thoughts and emotions.

    Wow… a lot to think about

  32.  #32lynn on May 28, 2010 at 5:42 am

    I have a question here that I need help with. I have a friend from work who I have been sharing your ebook with and we have talking to try to help with this guy she has been seeing for over a year. They are currently dating but are not exclusive . He told her the other night that she was “in his head” and he didn’t like it..she said “what, how do you mean?” He told her that when he has sex( not with her) that its her he thinks about during.” She was floored. Then he asked if that happened to her too. She hasn’t responded back yet…she doesn’t know how…HELP what does this mean for a man/ to a man? They are in their mid 30’s – does age really matter in something like this , really?!!

  33.  #33Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 6:06 am

    Rori Raye, you are the best! Ladies, I got an idea. I think we should do something to say a huge thank you to Rori for all she has done for us! You know the Delilah Show on the radio? I listen to it every night…do some of you? She is all about relationships, and her slogan is “Love someone tonight”.

    Imagine this: the Queen of Sappy Love Songs with the Goddess of Feminine Energy together! Why don’t we all email Delilah and encourage her to either have Rori on as a guest one night, and/or to listen to her materials, encouraging her to promote Rori to her listeners.

    Many, many people ask Delilah for relationship advice, and every night she presents “The Delilah Dilemma”. Too often, I hear Delilah refer people to “He Just Ain’t That Into You”, and I cringe! Rori’s concepts are SO far superior to those in that book! And if he ain’t calling, Delilah just tells her listeners to move on. I would love to hear her say to thousands of listeners, “Check out Rori Raye’s CD programs! She will teach you how leaning back in your feminine energy will draw your man back to you!”

    Let’s do something to get Rori more widely known! If a bunch of us flood Delilah with emails about Rori, that should get her attention! How do you feel about that? 🙂

  34.  #34Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 6:13 am

    Mary, what would it feel like to thank Island Man for not getting serious too quickly? I know CDing is hard. Trust me, I get that so well. I’m encouraging you so that I’m encouraging myself at the same time.

    You are just like me. I want this “part” over with. I want to meet the man of my dreams and have this dating business done. I’ve completely lost perspective of the journey, of the process. I’m only thinking about the goal. It’s time to shift gears. It’s time to say dating is fun. And if I’m talking to someone how is stressing me out, then I can either stop talking to him or tell him what’s up with me. Either way, it’s a win-win. Just keep moving forward. Just keep accepting the next date, the next free therapy session.

    Mary, I feel curious if any of this resonates.

  35.  #35Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 6:23 am

    Oh snap! Linda: Ding, ding, ding… we have a winner! Just read your message to Mary. That is ME to a T.

    Ok, it’s time to get a real life Shannon. Time to focus on stuff that’s good and fun and helpful to mankind. Enough focusing only on this ONE aspect of my life. This ONE thing I don’t have. Enough putting all of this brain energy on having a boy. Goodness… I could have figured out the cure for cancer with all of this energy. And not that it’s wasted or anything. I’m here for a reason, but really… all this energy on boys feels wasteful in a way. A man will show up… in my normal life… while I am doing the things I love and saving the world.

    Yep. Time to get a life. And not just one where I’m busy doing stuff. I want one where I’m doing stuff that matters.

    YES!!! I feel excited. So many doors opening for me. Time to stop focusing on what I believe to be a “closed door” and start looking at the open ones.

  36.  #36lola on May 28, 2010 at 6:53 am

    just subscribing for now from my mobile but this post and some of your answers are spweaking to me! Back later.

  37.  #37Trutle girl on May 28, 2010 at 7:46 am

    It’s raining here big time and I fell really depressed. I feel like staying in bed all day and doing nothing.
    All my cd’ing dates are not attractive. The ones who are I get two dates or three then they never call back.
    I feel like Mary. I just don’t want to do this anymore.
    I feel like giving up. I feel totally unloved and alone.
    This isn’t life. I feel lost. I feel angry at all the men who act like women. I feel cheated by life. I feel like what’s the point of any of this. I feel like I must be some kind of freak. My friend is married an happy with a wonderful man.

    Where are the wonderful men? Where are they?
    Not here. I am tired. I am drained. I am totally sick of going on coffee dates. I am on my pity pot.

  38.  #38Jennifer on May 28, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Why am I feeling such guilt for leaving B? It’s been seven months….I haven’t had contact with him since march. Why am I having these waves of guilt and missing him and sadness?
    What’s wrong with me?
    I KNOW he was never going to give me what I needed. He didn’t even understand WHAT I needed.
    I feel broken inside. I feel like a piece is missing.
    This isn’t FAIR!
    How come I have to be broken? Why isn’t HE broken?!!?!?!?!?
    I dont’ WANT to be broken and missing a piece! I want to be whole and fun and smiling and happy.
    I love my feelings of broken and missing a piece. I don’t know why I do…..except I’m suppposed to. I don’t have a good reason to. But I’m working on it.

  39.  #39Jennifer on May 28, 2010 at 8:07 am

    subscribing..forgot to. due to emotional trauma.

  40.  #40Rori Raye on May 28, 2010 at 9:12 am

    bea – Welcome, and this is is just part of what Circular Dating is. Sometimes they call, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they make a date and then break it…If you can get some serious experience under your belt, one man after another, one date after another, you’ll start to let these things just “blur” and not put any “meaning” to them other than that “they happened.” The idea is to be so blase about the whole thing because you’re used to the ups and downs that you don’t even feel bummed. Make sure you ALWAYS have a GREAT
    Plan B” for every single date – especially the first meetings…so that you can keep your spirits up and have the same text response for anything like this…”Thank you for letting me know…bea” — and what you said was GREAT practice with Feeling Messages…and as you keep going with this, you’ll laugh more about it all! Love, Rori

  41.  #41Sherry on May 28, 2010 at 9:27 am

    I have decided I’m taking a break from the dating site for a while. It is draining me! I emailed 2 of the guys I am still interested in talking to and gave them my personal email address. I also emailed the one I have been talking about on here. I know I’m not supposed to need closure, but I went with what felt right for me. This is what I said:

    Hey Handsome! I think I’ve had about all the fishing I can take.. I swear it seems like a full time job sometimes, so I’m getting off the site for a while.
    I’m glad we did finally meet lol. Sometimes I think we should have just canceled that night and met on a night when we both felt better. Might have been different.. might not have been.. not sure..
    To steal a line from you.. “good luck! everyone deserves to be happy!”

    Take care,

    I’m sure there are things I should have said, or maybe said differently, but I’m satisfied with the above. I don’t expect a response nor do I need one and that feels so great! I realize it is kind of a conflicting message.. I’m not really clear on my feelings about it all. That comes through I think. I was just trying to be honest and tell him goodbye. I don’t want to have hard feelings, which I was starting to because of him taking me off his list. Dumb, I know. My self esteem is higher than that! I realized it had been a couple weeks since I had flirted and talked to him. I was leaning back and waiting for him to step up.. he didn’t. He seems insecure.. like he needs attention and validation, and that’s just not something I’m in to. I mean why else take me off his list or remove himself from mine? Kind of an immature thing to do. Seems to me anyway! I mean you can have 3000 people on your list lol. What’s it hurt? So, anyway, I have come to the conclusion that although I may feel attracted to him, and I may feel I might be sexually compatible with him, I feel I would have had to spend too much of my energy on making HIM feel ok about HIMSELF. Not in my plans for my future relationship! So, all in all, things with him turned out the way they should have.

    I can honestly say that 6 months ago I would have reacted to things differently. Mainly, I would have chased and caught him, and struggled for months trying to have the relationship I want with someone who isn’t capable of that. CD and all the baby steps added up to something huge in this situation! I feel proud of me 🙂

    Thank you Rori!! And thank you Sirens for all the support I feel on here! I’m going to go celebrate!

  42.  #42Linda on May 28, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Yeah Shannon!… Open doors and re focus. It does not come naturally, but over time (and I am hoping for me too) that it is second nature.

    We are all headed down the right path. We need each other,


  43.  #43lm on May 28, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Daria, your posts about anger made my morning!

  44.  #44mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:17 am


    so many words of wisdom from you. thank you. i’m just reading through here this morning.

    okay, so if i continue to circular date (because it makes sense) and wait for the neural pathways to form, it’ll be easier? (hopefully)

    and maybe i’ll reach this state?

    one man after another, one date after another, you’ll start to let these things just “blur” and not put any “meaning” to them other than that “they happened.”

    and this really spoke to me:

    “Now when I see some one new.. I already know Rori’s advice to them……. “Back up girlfriend and date other men”

    It will bring out the hunter in him.. really its good for everyone.. Once you realize you could be potentially sabotoging this relationship if you dont lean back and CD… then you will have the courage to stop.. Becuase you will be too afraid to sabatoge it.”


    i want to bring out the hunter in island man!

    i get serious when we’re emailing, but i can stay happy and lighthearted in person.

    i need to work on that.

    thanks alicia!

    emergency blogger access!


    oh, it’s so nice to – you know – have this blog where i can say what’s really happening.

    and not worry about it.

    wow. what a privilege.

    thank you.

  45.  #45mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:18 am


    If he’s not in front of you, he doesn’t exist!

    So I should look at the guys who do exist, eh? Okay. I’m gonna do that right now.


  46.  #46mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:24 am


    this is the best! – thank island man for not getting too serious too quickly.

    yes. that’s wisdom, isn’t it?

    if he was getting serious, i’d have to back off to preserve my option to do research.

    oh, i feel better now. that really makes sense.

    new plan:

    just keep my profile out there. and go out with the guys who are really wanting to go out. and island man will probably say hello again…

    i just dropped out of sight there for a while. you know, my emails get too serious, with too many innuendos and things said that are nebulous.

    i like alicia’s oh! the flowers are cyber-delicious. that’s lighthearted and fun.

    thank you Shannon. i’m learning from the way you keep the conversation on YOU. sometimes i get a little instructive on here and then i think, “how would Simply Shannon say this?” so i’m reading and taking notes from you.

  47.  #47mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:24 am

    oh. there’s a thought…

    maybe my heart is not light?

    something to look at.

  48.  #48mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Ooops, Linda! I typed Lynn instead! But I knew I was talking to you. Thank you for your comments.

  49.  #49mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:31 am

    oh, Rori.

    what a night last night.

    i feel embarrassed that i lost it.
    i wish you had said something to me.
    i was doing so well until island man.

    “just keep dating, mary. it’s okay. you’ll be fine.”

    i will…
    thank you.

  50.  #50Laughing goddess on May 28, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Alicia: your words feel so inspiring to me! And I love the Abraham Hicks references. They have helped me soooo much along with Rori…totally transformed my life!

    Mary: thanks for your suggestions about staying in the moment! Very helpful!!!

  51.  #51mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Yes, LG,

    I’m sorry for preaching to you. So easy to say. Not easy to do!

  52.  #52mary on May 28, 2010 at 10:50 am

    if i can find my horse, i will get back on…

  53.  #53Daria on May 28, 2010 at 11:43 am

    i woke up feeling angry again!

    because despite my best efforts, or what my voice calls my best efforts

    i wake up to still feel achy in my bladder. and acupuncutre – which was very strong yesterday, didn’t even hold till the nite when again – achy bladder, feeling like peeing – ok i messed up!! i didn’t drink almost anything that day… so i probably sabotaged

    but still

    i am so tired of dealing with this

    i feel so heavy about it and i feel duck lips anger

    not to mention anger i woke up thinking about my godsister and how DARE she speak to me that way, who does she think she is

    or better yet who does she think I AM

    and most important anger because i cant think of ANYTHING fun i can do, and i WANT to do because the sun is out

    but imjust holding all this heaviness

    i want to go and be with people my age, with guys, like i used to do for so many years and hang out on a front porch alll dayyy

    but of course people put those kind of activities down

    for waht

    it was a lot healthier than sitting all day at the computer – minus the drinking… but anyway

    ahh that was the life then and i knew it while it was happening

    but now all i can think of is going ALONE to a park, where I will continue bieng ALONER and that sounds SUCKY As hell

    my brain is not coooperating, neither is my body, im really mad

    the help im getting is not listening to me as much as id like – ie my acupuncturist or my quirky healer

    all im SUPPOSED to do is write a freakin cover letter for a job i dont really want i just want it so that i can start paying bills and get ready to have what i want but i DONT really want a fuckin job

    a job where i get up in the morning which i hate, means i will be going to bed at 9 pm if i dont want to feel bloated and awaful in the morning, and then go somewhere and make sure im not late evryday… yeah right ! and then sit there a ta computer doing boring shit all day woo hoo… just to eat who knows maybe like 30 minutes too eat geez?! and then freakin come home for like 3 hours before bed right because i have to be in bed at 9

    oh rinse and repeat fuck u

    fuck u

    fuck u

    fuck u

    fuck u
    cuk u

    and not shifting this energy i would like to shift with eft but GUESS WHAT!!!


    so fuck u

    and ive sprent all my money hella money on this fuckin tryna cure this bladdre thing that isnt cured

    and the antibiotics i did suddenly get a hold of are have warnings like they cause permenante neuropathy sometimes even way after treatment im like wtf!


    sounds lovely doesnt it

    so im the one supposed to love myself and feel this funk and go for my pleasure but what IS that

    that is like paining my toes but what a DRAG!!! that takes foreverrrrrr

    nto really but i just rememeber it feels umpleasant to be hunched over for awhile but DAMMINT this strong reaction to it i guess wat f

    slap slap

  54.  #54Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Ohhhh…. the day is speeding along and I haven’t heard ONE word from my guy. Not even a hello. (It’s our one year anniversary) I am keeping busy outwardly, but inside, my heart hurts.

    I don’t want to remind him. I know that he knows the date.

    If he does nothing, then what? Do I ever say something? Or do I just let it go? Anyone have experience with this?

  55.  #55tinque on May 28, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Jennifer – “How come I have to be broken? Why isn’t HE broken?!!?!?!?!?”

    You are NOT broken, and neither is he unflawed. Please keep this close to your heart.

  56.  #56tinque on May 28, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Mary – and ride off into the sunset with your beautiful hair flowing behind you and a lovely smile gracing your sweet face, mistress of your own creation.

  57.  #57Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    No wonder our perception of beauty is flawed…

    This one minute video is the truth…

  58.  #58Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Rachel, I’m sorry you feel sad right now. I don’t know if I’m correct in suggesting this, but how about saying to him, “I feel sad…I feel forgotten.”

  59.  #59Daria on May 28, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    i woke up feeling angry depressed , down, despite the sun shining outside – hy sun

    i feel slightly better

    i feel alone and to me that feels cold windy, and swept away by thoughts

    always that circle of thoughts taking me out of feeling good and into feeling numb and broody

    i love my feelings and fears

    i feel so angry

    i love my anger

  60.  #60mary on May 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm


    guys do forget!

    i read your post about your anxiety around this and thought about responding but was too much into me and what was happening in my world.

    he sounds like an amazing guy.

    i’m glad you have him.

    and i’m hoping you’re not disappointed

    and confident in your diva ability to figure it out…


  61.  #61mary on May 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm


    that’s so beautiful.

  62.  #62mary on May 28, 2010 at 12:50 pm


    wishing you a better rest-of-the day!

  63.  #63Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Hmmmm…I feel relaxed just thinking about waterwheels! Where I grew up, which is still only a 20 minute drive, there is a grocery store with a waterwheel in the lobby! When I was 6 and on up, I would sit on the stone edge of the water and be mesmerized by the flow of the water in relation to the movement of the water wheel!

    Reading Rori’s e-letter today just took me there! Rori said, “Imagine the whole WORLD of Waterwheels turning toward you. And that your ONLY JOB is to open your heart and let the water, love, heart and energy come in.

    Your only job is to RECEIVE.”

    I feel so relaxed and happy after reading all of what she said! It takes me right back to childhood, and I am six again, and I am enjoying the coolness and splashiness of the water as I watch it while my Mom is in the store shopping!

    Now I have happy tears as I think how that picture is so a part of me, how I studied that water wheel for 30, 40, 50 minutes…who knows? I lost all track of space and time when I was watching the water wheel! What’s really cool is it’s still there, and I can still go reconnect to the little girl in me any time I want!

    The water wheel was not powered by electricity, gears, or anything but water! Sometimes it would stop, while one little compartment was filling up. Then it would suddenly turn fast, as the heaviness of the water carried it on to its next revolution!

    I think in some deep part of me, I bonded with that water wheel back 40 years ago. That may sound silly, but it’s a part of me. The wood was dark and greyish, from so many years of so much water saturating its unpainted surface.

    Sometimes I need extra tender loving care in a certain compartment of my heart. I am the water wheel, stopping, resting, receiving, while my future man fills me up. Then I turn quickly, cooly splashing all my goodness on all those around me. I naturally give back to my future man, saturating him with all that is good and beautiful in me.

    I don’t need any outer enhancements to give me beauty. It comes from who I am, just being, just leaning back.

    The water wheel I know and love is just decorative. Real functional water wheels were used to transform energy from free-flowing water into running factories and mills, like milling flour, foundry work, and pounding linen into paper.

    When I receive the free-flowing love and affection of my man into productive energy, who knows what could happen? Together, we could change the world!

  64.  #64Laughing goddess on May 28, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Mary: I didn’t feel bothered by the tone of your post. It didn’t feel preachy to me. Sometimes I feel weird about offering advice. I feel uncomfortable using boy energy like that. But it also feels hard for me to explain ideas in feminine energy.

    Daria: I would feel stoked to go to the park with you if I was there!

  65.  #65Laughing goddess on May 28, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Rachel: I feel confused about your situation. I feel unsure of what the feminine energy way of dealing with this would be. I feel worried that you might be setting up unreal expectaions for yourself and you guy. I feel uncertain if this is a situation where a goddess leans back or if it’s appropriate to make a gesture herself. I feel worried because I’m thinking you may be placing too much emphasis on one day. I don’t feel that excited about anniversaries, birthdays, etc. I feel sort of ambivalent about them. I feel better focusing on how someone treats me on a day to day basis rather than focusing on just one day. I feel curious if he even knows how important this day is to you.

    I feel awkward about what I wrote. I feel forgiving of myself because I understand that I am practicing using feel energy. 🙂

  66.  #66Laughing goddess on May 28, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    I feel worried that you are setting up unreal expectations and he is not even going to realize that it’s so important to you. I feel concerned that when you do talk with him, by then you will be so upset that you won’t have warm open energy to receive whatever he is offering.

  67.  #67Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    You are so right. I feel so frustrated with myself because overall, things have been good with him. But it seems like every time there is an opportunity for him to really “shine” on a special occasion, he drops the ball. I feel so stupid for even caring, but I’m sitting here in tears.

    I know that I set myself up for this by hoping that he would remember. But darn it, a year ago today was a life-changing day for me. I know that it’s just another day on the calendar, but I am very sentimental about things like this… and I think he should know that by now.

    Ohhhh…. I just wish I knew what to do. I feel the anger and pain building and like you said, I’m afraid that by the time we do talk, I will be unable to hide how I’m feeling. And then… aren’t we supposed to be authentic and NOT hide how we’re feeling?

    And I don’t know what a goddess does in this situation. Should I say something before the day is over? Do I lean back completely? Do I say something later? (I know he’ll feel horrible if he realizes that I felt bad) Do I send HIM a special note of celebration because the day means a lot to me? I feel so confused.

    I have a hugely busy weekend ahead of me and I really don’t want to carry this through it, but I feel caught up in the whirl of my thoughts and expectations. I want to handle it with grace and goddess-ness, but I don’t know what that looks like in this situation.

    I don’t want to make a big deal out of this (and I probably won’t to him), but inside it’s growing and the pain in my heart is signaling that something is awry in me.

  68.  #68mary on May 28, 2010 at 2:22 pm


    aside from this, have you felt something that’s off with you guys?

    last i remember, you were getting along fabulously and i was so thankful!

  69.  #69Bella on May 28, 2010 at 2:34 pm


    Thank you for your wonderful posts and links! It was just what I needed this afternoon!

    I am totally blown away by the “Glorious Experience of Allowing”

  70.  #70Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Things have been really good. I’m thinking this is MY issue. He is a good guy and yes, a bit forgetful and clumsy when it comes to the romantic stuff. Our last conversation was very warm and loving, so I don’t think anything is wrong. But wow… this is really eating me. And I feel like I either have to get a grip fast or find a way to say something because he’s going to pick up my vibe and wonder what’s wrong.

    I guess what I’m struggling with is … how does the “leaning back” thing apply to these situations. Is an anniversary something that you talk about and plan together? Or do you just stay out of it and hope that he’ll row the boat in a direction that is meaningful for you?

    I just really wish I weren’t wired this way. Important days are HUGE for me and I would have loved to spend today celebrating all day with little notes and special touches. But I leaned back… and … nothing.

    I feel frustrated that I’m so heartsick over this. But I am, so I guess I need to figure out what to do with it now.

    I do appreciate all of your input. It is helping a bit

  71.  #71Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I can’t come up with any feeling messages that don’t make him wrong for forgetting. I don’t want to do that to him. I know he’s extremely busy at work this week. But I feel like it’s not being authentic to say nothing…

    I feel disappointed that we couldn’t spend some time together on our anniversary?

    Does that sound ok?

  72.  #72tinque on May 28, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Rachel – Yes that’s exactly what you say. It’s authentic, and it doesn’t make him wrong either.

  73.  #73mary on May 28, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Well, I agree with Tinque, but if it were me, I wouldn’t say anything at all.

    I’d let the day come and go.

    And casually mention it two or three weeks from now, when everything is great, and I’d say something about special days being really important to me. Did he feel the same way?

  74.  #74tinque on May 28, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Sorry Mary, but this is bothering Rachel eating at her, so she needs to get it out as soon as it’s appropriate. Otherwise it will fester, and this is never a good thing.

  75.  #75Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Rachel, I’d say: “hey fella. I feel disappointed about not spending time with you on our anniversary. I feel bad that I’m making a big deal out of it when it’s just a day. What do you think?”

    This could be you asking him to help you figure this out. Or take some time and figure out why missing anniversaries or birthdays is a big deal to you. Maybe dear ol’ mom and dad missed one or were late celebrating it and you conjured up these messages that remembering your special days are not important. Make sense?

    Remember you’re just talking to this guy. He loves you. You’ve been dating for a year. He isn’t going to laugh at you or be mad. This is all about your tone. This is about YOU figuring this out and asking him to help you. And it’s giving him a hint that you need him to remember those special days.

    Hang in there girl! You’re a ROCKSTAR. You got this. I believe in you.

  76.  #76Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Rachel: Use your words…

    I know that I set myself up for this… but darn it, a year ago today was a life-changing day for me. I know that it’s just another day on the calendar, but I feel very sentimental about things like this… and I don’t want the day to go by unnoticed. What do you think?

    And hopefully that will be his queue to sweep you off to some special location for a fun night. Be surprised. Lay it all out there and see what he says.

    He loves you, right? Remember that. Give him a chance. 🙂

  77.  #77kismet on May 28, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Dear Rori and sirens,
    I would like to follow the steps: non exclusivity and circular dating, but as my situation goes, I’m pregnant and not married to my boyfriend.

    In the past weeks, his actions have made me feel unimportant, unloved compared to other people who contacts him. Sure when we’re together, its good, but after, when I contact him, he mostly ignores me when I know he jumps right to text or call back people who contacts him. Each day, I felt less and less sure about him and whether he’s capable of being committed and being a father, having a future with me. I’ve asked him how he feels about our situation, what he wants. I told him to be honest. he was quiet for a long time then mumbled “yea” to the question of being together and having the baby. So the other day, I was at my edge. I thought to myself, I don’t care anymore. I want to lean back, I want to break up. He was more loving and gave me lots of attention again when we were together, but it was still the same when I contact him. I know from experience and reference that he’s talking to his ex’s or coworkers. My days go by without him texting/calling me “goodmorning” “goodnight, sweetdreams I love you” and how much he cares and misses me anymore. The day goes by without him contacting me at all until I contact him.

    Last weekend I felt something was off and needed to see him, which I did for most of the weekend nights except for one. The night I didn’t see him, I was quite worried, insecure. I’m not insecure until things come up that signals “red flag” to me. So today, I found out the reason for all this. I’ve felt like I’m just a stop on the road for him. That he puts me and us on hold while he goes to other people. I think he doesn’t even know why he’s with me anymore. I worry there’s other girls in his life. I did the thing I shouldn’t, but what people do when they don’t get the honesty they need from another. I looked at his phone. I saw the text he and his ex sent eachother. Apparently they still love eachother, from what they wrote. He also texted his other ex a lot, all during the times I was at home texting him and waiting for a reply (not literally, just never getting a reply back). And to know that I was right in my intuition, my insecurity. Oh and he so called has a bad habit of saying “babe” to girls.

    When I saw these texts, I decided I need to break up with him. I’ve put up with too much I don’t need to. I’m done fighting for our relationship, the only fight I had to put up with our freedom to date against our parent’s wishes, and I won that fight.

    So I’ve thought of my speech, but not sure if I can even say everything and have him listening, hearing me. I’m going to tell him I can’t accept him having me strung along while he still loves someone else. That I/we can’t be exclusive if its like this. That I love him but have to let him go and be with who he really wants to, I’m not holding him back or blaming him or making him stay just because I’m pregnant. Telling him not to lie to himself and me that I’m the only girl for him and the girl of his dreams because he obviously still has feelings for his ex. They broke up such a long time ago but she was one he dated for 3 years, the longest he’s been in a relationship. Telling him that I don’t know if I’ll still be there when he’s fully ready to commit to me, but he can try.

    I would like to circular date, but I’m carrying a child. I’m thinking I could have abortion. It was foolish of me to not do it because I was scared of him leaving. How am I supposed to circular date if I’m pregnant and single?

  78.  #78mary on May 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm


    rachel, what if he’s planning a surprise for you? and you jump it?

    i’m worried about that possibility.

    but i agree with Tinque (again), and I do really like S Shannon’s wording – both tries!

    yes. like you’re trying to figure it out and can he help! i like the spirit of that very much.

  79.  #79Daria on May 28, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Kismet – you CAN circular date if you’re pregnant and single. many women do. my godsister’s mom dated another man while she was pregnant. or you can get an abortion

    its all up to YOU

    another thing is, you can circular date and still date this guy… because my guess is that you dont really want him out of your life

    use Rori’s tools. they work. don’t check a man’s phone, even to confirm your intution – that will drive a man away and will drive you away from your inner strength.

  80.  #80Daria on May 28, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Rachel – if he hasn’t called or contacted you at all, that would feel bad… if he did contact me, i might say something

    however, anniversaries wouldn’t really matter to me since i am circular dating like rori advises, unless i were married. if i were married i would expect a man to remember our anniversary

    since i’m circular dating, i wouldnt remember our anniversary, id be too busy with my wonderful life

  81.  #81Daria on May 28, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    I am the super insensitive of other people siren. I CARE ABOTU MYSELF MYSELF MYSLEF . PELE power!

    And if i care about other people its cuz im moved to. so there.

    i will jsut spout off rori advice to the best of my understanding directly . fuck it.

    and i will pay attention to my own damn self.

    FUCK everybody who got a problem with mike laaary

  82.  #82Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Thank you guys! I am feeling a lot better. I love the way Shannon took my own words and made them into a sweet feeling message. And Daria, you’re right. I need to remember the CD thing – although he is really the ONE that I love. The others feel more like afterthoughts which is why I so easily forget them in times like this.

    I am proud of myself that I kept busy all day and didn’t completely meltdown and do something stupid! He doesn’t know what I’m feeling and I’m beginning to gain perspective so hopefully I can recover to a good point before we talk!

    Funny… I did finally hear from him about an hour ago. He sent a nice, chatty email from work. I think he’s oblivious that today’s the “day.” Such a guy!

    And I’m such a GIRL! Augh!

    Thank you all so much for helping me to process through this. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

  83.  #83Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    And Shannon, thank you for reminding me that he loves me. It’s weird, but I do forget that. It’s like I’m always living with the fear that something will happen to ruin things. But we really have been doing well for a long time now… and I need to relax and trust the man!

    I do love him and he has been stepping up and rowing. I am truly grateful to have him in my life – even with his quirks and mis-steps.

  84.  #84kismet on May 28, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I know its possible to date while being pregnant, but in my culture its such a stigma. I know, who cares about that but yea…

    And I don’t know what’s with him. He does these things time after time. There’s just no point in even saying how I feel, I believe. And I don’t want him out of my life either. But I want all of him or nothing. Because if he is still with me partially, then he will assume benefits and I might give in.

    Also about the cell, are we supposed to just keep being the fool if he’s doing things and won’t tell us? I’ve told him so many times these past weeks that I DONT feel loved and appreciated. I don’t even need to check his phone to confirm why I feel this way, I already knew there was another person, or that he just doesn’t feel it fully for me.

    I don’t know how to bring up breaking up/taking a break. Should I go straight for “I want to break up” and explain, or explain first how I’ve been feeling? Should I bother with explanation at all? we both probably know why I would want to break up already, we just haven’t talked about it, because I really dont want to bring up his phone and texts.

  85.  #85kismet on May 28, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I’m not getting what I need.
    I need honesty when I ask questions or tell him how I feel.
    I want him to tell me if he has feelings for other girls. (But who in their right mind would tell their partner that if they still want that person too.)
    I want to not have him break all my trust and believe I have in him.

  86.  #86Daria on May 28, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Kismet – all i can say is follow Rori’s advice. That will change your life for the better.

    as for stigma, like you said… who cares… it was a stigma to date this man in the first place right? it was a stigma to get pregnant… etc. do you

    and no, you cannot force him to do what you want to do. to me i get the feeling of a strong urge to control him, and this is understandable because of the pressure of the situation on you, but understandable or not, its not helping you attract him.

    you CAN control what YOU do

    have you tried writing Rori an e-mail? she is very busy but perhaps she will get a chance to answer you personally with more help

  87.  #87Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 4:48 pm


    If you have clearly found that he is expressing romantic/loving thoughts with someone else, then you have to stop worrying about what to do with him and think about YOU.

    Do you want to be with someone you don’t trust?
    Do you want to be with someone who has feelings for another woman? (whether or not he’ll confess to it)
    Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel unloved and unappreciated?
    Do you want to keep feeling the way this man has made you feel for months now?

    I don’t think you owe him any explanation. I don’t think you have to tell him that you looked at his cell phone. I think you just say, “This relationship doesn’t feel good anymore.” (You have given him PLENTY of opportunities to step up and show you that he wanted to keep you.)

    You are beautiful and strong and deserve someone who will be completely devoted to you. Someone who wakes up looking for ways to make you happy. You can’t find that someone as long as you’re still holding onto this man.

    Although it will be hard, I think you will find great peace when you find the strength to walk away. And then you turn all of this energy toward creating a safe place for you and your baby to heal from the pain and to grow toward the better things that are heading your way!!

    Maybe when he sees you blossoming and being treated like the goddess you are, he’ll realize what he’s lost and pursue you again. And then the power will be yours to choose whether or not he gets you!


  88.  #88mary on May 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    hello kismet,

    i haven’t ever talked with you before!

    i’m wondering if you need to say anything at all? maybe not even consider breaking up? because what is there to break up? are you guys exclusive?

    and here i am, saying “date others!”

    when it’s hard for me because my heart gets SO involved, SO easily, SO quickly.

    i’m still trying to deconstruct that.

    alicia? any ideas?

    i agree with daria about just continuing to date, even if you are pregnant!

    will that make us callous as sirens? to be so out and about with many men? and not appreciative of each man? and will they feel about us like i feel about island man? kind of uggggggh! when i see that he’s online, talking to some other woman on plenty of fish!

    i don’t want anyone to feel that way about me, like i’ve been around and i’m not to be taken seriously. four years with a sex addict made me feel turned off by men who are dating around. R was either happy with me, really in to me, and suddenly fearful, or picking at me and looking around.

    i’m tired of being with a man who’s looking around. and its seems as though that’s what island man is doing… reminds me too much of the way it was with R. but what am i to do?

    i want to circular date, so i have to tolerate that in him.

    kismet, it’s probably the same with you, even though you are pregnant.

    if you want to be the chooser, you have to let him date around. and you have to let him do that anyway, because you can’t stop him. no amount of wanting him will stop him from looking around and going out with others. only his desire to settle down and be with one woman (you) can do that. and even if you’re the most rockstar of all divas, if he’s not ready,

    he’s not ready.

    that’s what happened to me, although i was probably not the most rockstar of all…

    i’m working on it.

  89.  #89mary on May 28, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    oh! good news!

    since i called R on his home phone last night, and his cell phone, i was expecting a call or an email from him.

    i got neither.

    so i called the phone company, and they said that since his cell was turned off, there would be no record of my call…


    it was just temporary insanity on my part!

    no harm done…


  90.  #90kismet on May 28, 2010 at 5:08 pm


    The least I want to do is control him. That’s why I’m pondering on how I should go about this and talking to him about what I want.

    I just want him to know that he can follow his heart and I won’t judge him.

    Your response really touched me. I’m here with tears on my cheeks. =/
    No, I don’t want any of the way he treats me lately. I want the real deal if he wants us to get through our situation but I know I can’t get that right now.

    Yes, we’re exclusive. So maybe I don’t have to break up with him, but will have to talk about becoming non-exclusive.

    And I really don’t want to explain. There’s no point. He knows. I know. He’ll figure it out anyways. Since he can’t bring it up or do something about it, I’ll have to.

  91.  #91Daria on May 28, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Kismet – i feel heartened of your plan about non -exclusivity.

  92.  #92Daria on May 28, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    I feel concerned that I’m treating myself like I’m in prison.


    sometimes im so energetcially empathic and sensitive that ill do things because theyre happenign somewhre without my consciousness

    so maybe peopel im connected to are in jail or stuff i happening in the world, or i wouldve been in jail at this time or SOEMTHING


    i do not WANT to be in jail

    i want to be feleing HAPPY AND FREE

    thank you!

    i want to treat myself like i have options of happiness and freedom but that TASK FEELS LIKE AHUGE BURDEN LIKE AHUGE ROCK ON MY CHEST

    i love the feeling of having a huge rock on my chest

    i love myself!

    i love my judgement that im making bullshit obstacles for myself cause life is so great

    fuck you

    i love my fuck u
    i love my judgement

    i love all of me

    THERE it is

    i love all of me dammit


  93.  #93kismet on May 28, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    This sounds foolish, but today when I cuddled with him while he was asleep, I wondered what it would be like if I could talk to his heart and his heart can answer me back. (I got this from a Chinese movie: Cinderella Story-Pandora’s Box). My head was on his chest, ears where his heart was. I asked in my mind, “Dear heart, who has he given his heart to? Me or her? If it’s me, beat faster, if it’s her, beat slower. me? her?”

    Surprisingly, when I said Dear Heart in my mind, he sleeptalked, saying “hmm?”

    I waited each time I asked (in my mind to his heart) if it was me or her. And surprisingly when I asked who it was, his heartbeat got slower. I stopped and it came back to normal. I asked if it was me. It got slower. I stopped questioning and it went back to normal. Asked if it was her. It got slower.

    So although it was childish and impossible that its real, it’s an interesting thought and happening.

  94.  #94Daria on May 28, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    i did it! i brushed and showered! yes!!!! i did it woo hooo!!!

    ive got a funny rash and i am going to take it to indicate that
    acupuncutre was helping me detox

    im way on my way to healing

    the tea i started making (uva ursi, plain) is clearly heping me
    i will healmyself


    jsut another goal to go
    ok 2
    (feel overwhlemed thinking that way)

    the goals are

    my 15 min workout


    painting toes

    it feels strange to have to force myself practically to do these things for me

    but i want to do themfor me

    thank u

    angels please release the forcing and let it be fun and effortless to care for myself

  95.  #95Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Kismet –

    I just want to make sure I got this.. You are pregnant, your boyfriend is not in a exclusive relationship in his eyes.. you found text, you want to break up, and I think I read you cuddled with him?? I assume you are in a physical relationship with him still.. Is that right?? The nuts and bolts of it? Cliff note style?


    #1 Focus on you and feelings that bring you happiness, move away from feelings that make you feel low vibes.. Now if a guy text another girl in front of me.. I want to feel good, this feels awkward.. and I want to feel happy..

    More importantly.. If I were in his shoes.. I would think I have my cake and can eat it too..

    Just becuase you are pregnant.. OPIONS ARE STILL AROUND YOU.. this guy might think you are hanging on to him like Jane does Tarazan.. ready to take a leap and he is just swinging around..

    I would lean back.. MY friend said she got hit on ALOT when she was pregnant she had guys take her out and they were feeling so needed! Your best bet is too date.. What trimester are you in?

    The point is to get you feeling receptive and awesome again.. This baby will be here soon and you can work out the entire pregnany and yes you are going thru changes but, what a growing opportunity.. You body will bounce back..

    When I see girls literally move on and meet a new guy, then the old guy comes back wanting them.. And the girl is like now he wants me.. haha. All sassy like…

    I think DUHHH.. You got a life.. that’s who he was attracted to when he met you, He is not you compass.. That is what they want. And I don’t blame the guy for being re-attracted but, the girl doesn’t get it, blows him off, makes the same mistake with the next dude and sabotoges the relationship.. yet again, from leaning forward..

    This other girl – is a smoke screen, all girls lean forward at some point so will she.. no worries..
    Just be leaning back and learning about you. I am growing all the time, reading, yout tubing things on love or brain waves, or law of attraction.. haha (my favs) and feeling better and better! Get your mind of him… and be amazed. It takes time so allow for things to manifest, and you may just find the new you isn’t attracted to him like you thought..

    Sex can keep a girl hooked up for a long time… So be open about if you date others and you WILL.. Don’t let him think becuase you are pregnant he is the only with you. Meaning he can have sex with you and who ever he wants.. You have to find out is this sexually exclusive? While you agree to date others? Or are you just breaking up with him… AND scribble your I feel statements if you need to anchor them fast.. I even text myself.. haha (IF I’m out of paper)

    Check out the links on #29 you might feel a better sense of direction.. :0) Hugs

  96.  #96Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Thanks – Laughing Goddess, Mary and Bella.. That feels good to hear.. Sometimes, I feel vulnerable expressing my little tools.. haha. But they make me feel better so I figure they might someone else too.. 🙂

  97.  #97Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Daria –

    If anyone would understand feeling better about the vibration of things I think you would.. I would check out the links on #29 the third one Experience of Allowing is right up you alley. 😉

  98.  #98Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:31 pm


    I just read you post about your feeling disappointed and like your feelings would blame him. I can only speak from a detached point of view.. But here is what I felt maybe it will trigger..

    I feel rejected, I wanted to feel special on our anniversary.. Honestly I feel a little angry about it. I want the passion back in our marriage.

    I feel sad, I apprecitate the hard work but, I feel lonely or like I’m last on the priority list.. I want our relationship to feel renewed.

    I feel scared to share with you what I really feel, I want to feel safe to be open..

    I feel happy I got off that off my chest..

    What do you think?

  99.  #99lucy on May 28, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    reading all this about cd is making me mad. i’m sure his girl is not going to cd and it will have no ill effect on their relationship. shannon was talking about journey vs goal… for awhile now i have not at all been focused on the goal, b/c i don’t want “a relationship” or “marriage” right now — i just want him, even if he is just part of the journey. that probably makes no sense at all. how could it?

  100.  #100Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Brenda – I love Delilah.. haha.. What state are you in? Does Cali get her radio station? I’m in Dallas, TX.

  101.  #101lucy on May 28, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    i wish i was her.

  102.  #102Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Check this out.


  103.  #103Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Haha LUCY

    You wish you were Delilah.. Her voice is great.. You know what it is – her feminine energy that sparkles.. For sure a cool job.. she has!!

  104.  #104Daria on May 28, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Thanks Alicia –

    ok so. i get it BUT… im getting BUTS all over the place


    i just want to say NO to what i dont want dammit

    i feel angry

    i am perhaps learning to hold anger – i dont wnt to hold anger, i want to flow anger


    i feel angry

  105.  #105Daria on May 28, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I just want to be angry it seems

    angry is feeling good to me right now?


    i feel blocked off from fun fun fun

    but im feeling good with anger anger anger

  106.  #106kismet on May 28, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    We were in an exclusive relationship from the start. And he’s the father of my baby. I think I’m almost at the end of first trimester.

    Lately I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore because of all the stress in my situation and our on-off arguments. But I care about him and am open and loving to him when we’re together.

    In the past month, I have been holding on because of our decision to stay together and have the baby. So when we argue, when he does things I don’t like, I put up with it. Now, I don’t care. Myself first!

  107.  #107Daria on May 28, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Lucy when i came here i really wanted a certain man. i didnt want a relationship or marriage or so i thought.

    i had to really check it out. and realize that being with that man, what i wanted from him was an amazing relationship, an amazing experience, and i wouldnt want it to end, because he could provide that experience for me

    then i saw that it was the experience i wanted… the experience i knew for sure i would have with him because he was HIM

    it wasnt about HIM the person and in fact i was idolizing and even Not Seeing him for himself because i so wanted HIM when it was actually

    the experience i wanted. i put my big toe in the ocean of love that MAYBE just MAYBE thre might possible maybe let me just maybe imagine that there might be a possibility that i could want another man like that some time ever, and that IF IF IF IF IF IF cuz this did not feel safe IF i just pretended to imagine that this could be maybe true, then that means

    what i wanted was a wonderful relationship

    (who me)

    ok toe back. just a toe touch. that was my babystep and then whoa… yes it was all true after all the steps and stuff

    and yes i wasnt in a good place, i was in a hanging on to him because i adored him and all that he had done for me place, a place that wouldnt have served me or HIm NO WONDER he didn’t want to be with me

    fast forward to now, not perfect but about ME and much more attractive…

    oh… and ATTRACTED to so many more men

    the end

    i feel so frustrated reading aobut your experience because it sounds so much like mine. i stuck with that man and his dates and girlfriends for 6 years as his friend. it didnt get me him

    the only reason i even tried rori’s tools was so taht i could get HIM

    have i gotten him. no. who did i get?

    someone i wasnt even looking for

    we all know who that is

  108.  #108lucy on May 28, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    i didn’t mean delilah. i meant i wish i was that other girl he is with. daria the frustrating part for me is that when i first found rori i was NOT hung up on him yet. 🙁 dorothea how about instead of cutting his hair and pouring our drinks on him we find another guy for the interloper girl so she leaves him.

  109.  #109Daria on May 28, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    lucy i don’t think it matters when you were hung up on him or what… the thing is somehow you got hung up on him…

    maybe a message is that is supposed to show you that you do want a wonderful relationship and wonderful experience with a wonderful man

    and at this point u were using HIM as the wonderful man which was a step in that direction

  110.  #110Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    haha… No Lisa.. NEVER WISH THAT. U R U!!! That is why people love you……. There someone in your shoes too when he first met you that maybe wished they were you.. Just get back to free fun open person you were then…… Alot of this sounds like girls loosing themself in the relationship.. Then the guy is like where is the cool confident person? They want good feelings too.. So they pick up and look for that somewhere else.. Nothing is lost that can’t be found! You will know when you are feeling like yourself again.. and he will to.

  111.  #111Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 8:36 pm


    Embrace that anger squeeze it until you release it.. In a few days you will probably be feeling very alive and passinate again.. That’s what it is there for.. Shed that skin, get it out..

    I was angry earlier this week, deleted my dating profile feeling ick, woke up and was like… Did I start? God all that over PMS.. Is that what that was… haha

    But I feel so much better! I didn’t cry like normal.. I just wanted to spit nails… I was pissed.. it connects you to the passion… FEEL ANGRY.. it’s okay..

  112.  #112Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    LUCY.. Where did I get Lisa? That was wild.. lol.
    Sorry Lizzie… j/k totally..

    I meant never wish you were her.. U R U!!!!! That’s amazing.. Make a list about why you like yourself.. The 1st person in a great relationship is the one you have with yourself… Be good to you and he and other men will too.. Ya know the deal 😉

  113.  #113Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Rachel – I thought you were married.. Either way.. feeling speaking is shockingly very effective..

    It’s so funny when I watch T.v. now.. I anaylze everyone’s feelings.. And I’m like if she would just I’m feeling (fill in the blank) then this choas wouldn’t be happening and we would see people connecting.. Especially on The Real Housewives.. haha.. That might not make for good t.v. but….. Just sayin. 🙂

  114.  #114Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 8:54 pm


    After receiving a nice, normal email from my guy with no mention of our anniversary, I did send a brief message that said, “I feel disappointed that we couldn’t spend time together since today is May 28.”

    Tonight, I got a sweet message from him telling me how grateful he is to have me in his life and hoping that we can celebrate in person next year. (He’s in the military)

    I don’t know if he “remembered” or not. It would have felt better if I hadn’t had to “remind” him. But I feel good that I didn’t attack him and that if he did forget, he took the reminder and used it to write a loving note.

    I wrote back and used my words from earlier, telling him that last May 28 was a life-changing day for me and I just didn’t want to let the day go by unnoticed.

    I feel peaceful. I didn’t need anything big … at least there was an acknowledgement and a little celebration of what is most important about today… that we have each other.

    Thank you, all you beautiful sirens, who helped me get through the day without doing anything stupid! I love you all!

  115.  #115Rachel on May 28, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Alicia… not married. This was our one year anniversary for dating. (I know.. I’m a sentimental fool!)

  116.  #116Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    I want a Water Wheel!! I love water.. that is my element..

    Brenda I read your post.. and Rori’s..

    I recieve water flowing all over me.. I went to the ocean and took my raft and laid it on the sand where the ocean meets the shore and it was awesome to be grounded but float up a bit when the water would flow in and out in a rythem… Just laid back chilling with the sun and water flowing.. I was in heaven!!!

  117.  #117Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Rachel Good!!! That is awesome..

    Plus you can tell him postive good feelings.. ( I feel special hearing that it feel good) He is grateful for you..

    He is trying to make you happy..

    Haha.. I thought this was years of marriage. lol

    It always special 1 year or 50 years….. that is sweet.

  118.  #118Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    This is off subject but.. I laughed!! And everyone needs a lil laugh..


    NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

    NUMBER 4: This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

    NUMBER 3: Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

    NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

    Number 1: And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) “…in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

  119.  #119Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 9:11 pm


    I totally connected to the post early about “forcing yourself” and telling your angels to make it feel like fun not force on working out.. and etc.. That is sooooo me.. sometimes.

  120.  #120dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    “dorothea how about instead of cutting his hair and pouring our drinks on him we find another guy for the interloper girl so she leaves him.”

    not funny

  121.  #121dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    we are not amused!

  122.  #122Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Mr. Fab Kisser just unfriended me on Facebook. I feel sick.

    On a lighter note, I went out with Mr. Manly Man tonight and had a fabulous time. While I know that we are not destined for “forever”, he makes me laugh and treats me like a queen.

    I do feel sick about Mr. Fab Kisser. A much different “yuck” than I felt last year when A left my life. So… at least I’ve got that going for me. I feel amused. And slightly disturbed at my ambivalence.

  123.  #123Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 9:39 pm


    (I feel a lil embarrased like I am posting alot on here tonight.. I have a few boxes open on my computer and I’m moving back in fourth between different emails.. )

    But.. This is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂

    Along time ago.. I had to withdraw all my college hours except one many several years ago.. My advisor told me due to that there was a hold placed on me in returning.. now I had to write a letter to the School Board for an exception.. So, in response to her email.. I just rattled off the truth to my to get her opinion… (Not submit it to the board for approval yet) It was pretty candid..

    Apparently, she gave them my little rough draft email and they approved it!!! YAY!!

    Here is her response!! 🙂 🙂

    On a personal note, I want to tell you that I greatly admire you and all that you have overcome and accomplished. You are amazing. I would like to share my favorite quote with you:


    We Are Powerful Beyond Measure

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure about you. We were meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    From the movie “Coach Carter”

    You seem to be living the message of this quote and that is awesome. I wish you the best in all that you are doing and striving for.
    Here is what I had originally sent her….

    Basically I grew up in a very verbally and physically abusive home. My father eventually dropped me off in Oklahoma to live with my grandmother, while he moved to Flordia with my new step mom. Unbeknownst to me. (I thought I was there to visit my grandmother) During that month, on a visit to see my mother in Neveda over the summer, she drove me back to Tx and I never returned to my grandmothers. The entire adjustment took a toll on my self esteem and my grades dropped. I went from a cheerleader in school to being depressed and having abandoment issues and fear of rejection. My dad moved back to TX and I moved in with him again as he was better able to financially provide, yet still a very tense enviroment. At the time I was just 17.

    My father told me he didn’t expect me to go to college and wished that I had never been born. It was not a lack of intelligence but, it was the emotional roller coaster of having fist thrown at your face and holes blown into a wall at any minute. I could not mentally focus under the stress of the enviroment. That led me to take a time out and find myself. I had to move out on my own to literally survive. I was unable to focus on college. I was trying to get out of an abusive enviroment and make a living. I was not aware at the time that there was money available for me to attend school. My parents never informed me of grants and loans not based on credit. I didn’t know of this aid then. And I thought I wouldnt be able to afford it and live away from home.

    That was then and this is now. Becoming an adult and believing in my own vision for my future and healing, restored me to the person I was created to be. Along with huge doses of forgiveness. In fact I now also mentor as a Big Sis in the Big Brother-Big Sister foundation. I believe everything happens for a reason. It’s natural for me to understand, communicate and motivate children when I see them in a difficult home enviroment.

    Suprisingly, with me having a GED and getting out of school in 10th grade, I tested into College level reading and English. I worked my way up into a huge company formerly known as Countrywide- now owned by Bank of America, making over 56,000 a year. (you can verify on my tax info) I was a manger that worked with a team of over 300 people. I hope that speaks volumes.. It is rare to make that amount money without a degree and leaving school in 10th grade. I believe my good fortune was due to my work ethic, and was not due to luck. However, my determination to create a peaceful and succesful life for myself. I have intelligence and commitment that is required to move up the ranks. I am a different person at 33 then I was at 17 in every shape, way and form. My mind, focus and creativity have been renewed. I am ready to pursue college with focus. I am now able to invision my goals and clearly acheive them..


    Mary- Is that too honest? Where do I send the appeal?

    She sent it off.. just like it was….. And I’m totally approved and awarded the more then the money I needed!! WHOOO HOOO.

    I believe my LOA experiment is working!! 🙂 🙂

  124.  #124Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Simply Shannon –

    Ugh on the Face Book.. His loss.. I got off of Facebook for awhile and I feel AWESOME!!!! Sometimes people turn into mini stalkers haha.. I hear my friends telling me what some girl said on there man interest page and I’m like STOP!!! lol… =Switch the vibe..

    He will probably still look at you main profile pic..
    Do you tell Fab KIsser he is a fab kisser? That is a cute nick name..

    I feel like I’m having a blog slumber party between my music and other tabs opened that I like. haha

  125.  #125dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    i refuse to put anyone i’m dating on my friends list. i tell guys this more and more. too much headache and too much information.

  126.  #126lucy on May 28, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    it wasn’t supposed to be funny or amusing. i feel confused and mad and bruised.

  127.  #127dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    i know it wasn’t supposed to be funny or amusing. that was the point!

  128.  #128Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 10:06 pm


    My messing up on your name what I was joking about.. I would never laugh at someone’s expense over a relationship..

    Feel Better. This will pass.. Share your feelings with him.. Just like you did. It was perfect.

  129.  #129lucy on May 28, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    dorothea i don’t understand.

  130.  #130lucy on May 28, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    alicia i was talking about what dorothea wrote.

  131.  #131Daria on May 28, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    im making a string of beads red and green

    108 beads so i can use it for mantras

    i have a chakra mantra for healing

    i can feel it working when i do it

    this way i dont have to count
    jsut pull beads

    i feel such a special feeling making them

  132.  #132dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    what i mean lucy is that hoping to be second place because interloperchick didn’t want him is an awful feeling example of your willingness to accept crumbs

    this dude is the king of crumbs and has been for a while.

    i say yuck to him.

  133.  #133dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    like it feels so bad to me it HAS to be a joke…but it’s not funny

  134.  #134Daria on May 28, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    i feel renewed energy
    the uva ursi is working

    im making beads

    i have psyllium husks to take with probiotics in the morning

    i have barley water

    oh gosh

    i feel good and happy

  135.  #135Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 11:49 pm


    Goes quick……. Relationship Ramp-up

    Abraham Hicks.. I just found and it clicked!

  136.  #136Alicia on May 28, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    This one is good too…

    Abraham-Hicks: Her romance door is jammed

    WHEW Great for leaning back!!!

  137.  #137Alicia on May 29, 2010 at 12:05 am


    This one is good too, the first 15seconds nails it on the head!! For me it clicked in the beginning for -Why you do not need to over function….

    This one is more “outside of the box”… I had to listen twice…
    The 1st 15 seconds and last 30 seconds was perfect..

  138.  #138mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:08 am

    simply shannon:

    i feel sad about mr. fab kisser. even if there’s something good about it ending. even if it makes sense. you’ve spent so much time with him! gone through so much stuff together! and fab kisser speaks for itself.

    i feel anxious about expressing all this and i feel very hopeful that things will go well for you and that God will give you a forever man who is also a fabulous kisser.

  139.  #139mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:09 am


    i’m imagining you stringing your beads!

    your vibe seems to be shifting these days.

    ride it like a wave…

  140.  #140Daria on May 29, 2010 at 12:13 am

    thanks Mary – oh yeah the wave!


  141.  #141mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:17 am


    what’s the link on this one?


    This one is good too, the first 15seconds nails it on the head!! For me it clicked in the beginning for -Why you do not need to over function….

  142.  #142mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:20 am

    i think i’ve lost Island Man.

    or he’s waiting for me to contact him.

    how can i?

    there’s no way…


    everything is changing. so fast that i can’t keep up…

  143.  #143mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:28 am

    guys here expect women to call them if they’re interested.

    i don’t know how to stay with Rori’s program and conform to the pacific northwest…

    what’s it like in dallas, alicia?

    i’m from dallas.

  144.  #144mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:30 am

    i mean what’s it like these days? when i was there i was married, so i don’t know the dating scene there.

    aren’t guys there a little more masculine, and don’t they call when they’re interested?

  145.  #145mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:33 am

    here’s what my guy friend just said:

    “I don’t feel wanted, if a woman doesn’t call me…I assume she isn’t that committed to sharing the responsibility of contact…
    women have done this to themselves…they wanted equality, men got used to that, and we are raised that way now…the woman should make equal moves of interest…that’s how i see it anyway…”

  146.  #146mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:48 am

    then he says this:

    “I’d email him, tell him you’d like to see him if he’s still interested. Tell him you don’t want to keep bothering him if he’s no longer interested…could he call you, or just reply yes or no? … specify a time or ask him for a time, and make sure you are there when/if he says he’ll call….when you speak to him…spell it out what you want from this relaytionship…”

    very anti-Rori…

  147.  #147mary on May 29, 2010 at 1:09 am


    i love it!

    a blog slumber party.

    that’s what i have every night, but i’m very often the only one up.

    time for sleep now!

    i have thinking to do tomorrow.

  148.  #148Daria on May 29, 2010 at 1:19 am

    I’m done with my beads. I feel glad. I also feel glad about the uva ursi working.

    I’m going to strain the rest of the tea i have, and drink a cup of teh uva ursi before bed.

    I’m healing. I’m gonna continue on my horse to aligning with healed pee and body!

    I have my mantra chant beads now, I can chant chant chant to health.

    I feel accomplished.

    ok i didnt workout and i didnt paint my toes

    that will be tomorrow then

    tomorrow is a beautiful day

    in the plan

    brush and shower (yes again)


    paint toes

    oh of course Energy 5 minute move

    i can even do that in the morning

    i bet it will clear my grumpies

  149.  #149Alicia on May 29, 2010 at 1:31 am

    Mary –

    Have you seen Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo? Sometimes…. you’ll notice her say.. I have to teach him to be a hunter… and if you want to stay in feminine energy.. and not be the teacher you stay leaned back and feminine and RESPONSIVE..

    I flat out say… Oh.. I feel good when a guy takes the lead.. It’s just sweet.. and I can feel relaxed.

    Today I actually told this guy who sent me a text that said.. (he is playful) – TAKE ME OUT!!!
    I said.. U TAKE ME OUT.. 😉
    He said.. I deserve it u dont… haha
    I said.. Look, I’m not growing a dick over here.. So, I doubt I’m gonna act like the man.. (ohhh yess I did)
    He said: Old school
    I said: Oh well… 😉
    He said: I’m thirsty..
    I said: I drink would feel great it’s hot out..
    He said: When can you be ready?

    hhahahaaa That easy… I feel good.. he needed a little reassurance with I figured with the out of the blue.. role reversal from him.. so I had to stand my ground.. and bat my eye lashes.. I knew he wanted to see me or he wouldnt have gone text about going out to begin with.. STAND with your back against the WALL.. With men like that. 😀

    Once you get into the habit of it.. I don’t care who or where the guy is.. He will want to take the lead.. But you have to be responsive, you can’t just respond with .. “ok”….. Any guy can be receptive and just sit back…. and see how “he feels” and where it goes..

    It’s so much better when they are pro active.. And I’ve had pro- active guys take me from zero interest to “I think I’m in love” they know how to bring out the feminine feelings in you.. when they are hunting until you are like whoaaaa he’s making me feel shocked in a good way.

    So, On him – I would just say…. To each their own.. This is his experience and he is speaking for the entire playing field when everyones plays in a way that feels good or safe to them differently…

    TRUST ME LEAN BACK… Just be really responsive and flirty that is the fun part!!

    And I had some great covos and feelings with guys in the past where we would just text back and fourth… Like after they text me or called me several times.. Then I would.. it felt good and was cool. But, that was after I was won over.. and It could have contributed to leaning forward.. I’ll let you know what happens when I am won over again.. and see what I do different.. Hopefully I’ll be CD’ing, leaning back, and deciding between which hottie a want to marry the brown or the sandy blonde.. haha.. (VISION INTENTION DAY DREAM haha)

  150.  #150Alicia on May 29, 2010 at 1:42 am


    That was the link on that one..

    I don’t know the name of it.. But for me.. It made me sense in the first 60 econds when she says.. We don’t need our guy or him move forward.. He is moving forward in his own intention….

    That was just my clarity for overfunctioning… Hearing her message.. Her message is not on that topic but, gave me an AHA’ moment…

    And I’m happy to report that I AM TWO MONTHS SOBER FROM OVER FUNCTIONING… YAY!!!! It’s like Masuline Energy ANONYMOUS!!

    It’s alot to take in.. I had to listen twice.. But really the first and last minute.. feels smart and wise!

  151.  #151Alicia on May 29, 2010 at 1:47 am

    Oops post #150..

    Mary – I meant to say.. “This is the link”.. and when you hear it and she says: we don’t need to help our guy move forward.. He is in his own intention… Made me think of “over functioning” and another reason not to!! But the video is about your experience… and experience and what you create..

    There it is again… Some of the ones are so awesome.. She is an author.. Oprah had her on.. I look at it as another tool.. 🙂

  152.  #152mary on May 29, 2010 at 1:54 am


    i have no idea what’s going on with this guy! but i’d love to see him again!

    what would you do if you were me? would you email him at all?

    his was the last email… but it was in response to mine, but he’s been the initiator all along.

    but he called three times on Tuesday and i got in late, so i emailed him instead of calling him back. he didn’t respond.

    what would you do if you were me? just wait?

  153.  #153mary on May 29, 2010 at 1:56 am

    hey, i like you alicia.

    and wow!

    congratulations on your grant! that is quite a story about your childhood.

    you’ve come a long way, babe.

  154.  #154Alicia on May 29, 2010 at 2:03 am


    He called three times? That is alot for a dude in one night.. What did your email say?

    Sure.. wait.. if that feels good. I would just playfully respond when you feel like it.. I would have text him and said – < Heyyy I'm out with friends it feels fun! TTYL..) (and then let him hit you up again when he realizes that he will need to pursure communication to get your attention again.)

    I'm assuming this is new.. and do this in my own life.. with out thinking twice about it 😉

  155.  #155mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:07 am

    my email said,

    subject: ‘allo! (that’s the way he says it)

    Hey, I’m just getting in and it was nice to hear your hello on my voice mail!

    It’s raining… I love it so much.


  156.  #156mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:08 am

    he has no cell phone, so i can’t text him…

  157.  #157Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:12 am

    Mary – this man doesn’t exist right now. is there something you’re avoiding feeling by focusing on this imaginary man right now ? (inner bonding technique)

  158.  #158mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:16 am


    i don’t have the hang of all this yet.

    i don’t have the lingo down.

    i’m a bit out of my element!

    most guys – it’s hard to communicate…

    let me illustrate with this note that i got on Plenty of Fish tonight:

    he wanted a really long first date, and i told him that we might meet for a coffee…

    here’s what he says:

    “That was a joke,did you not see the LOL beside the beginning of my message?These computres tend to steer people the wrong way. First,I’m not the slightest bit mad,(at least not untill I read this bullsh*tmessage)secondly if you would have called me that would have shown me maybe you “ARE” the one as I’m not looking for a woman to follow behind me!!! I want her to be equally as strong (at least in mind)and be beside me,when I say “want to go for a run” (or whatever)I want her to say I’ll get my runners.Almost every woman on here says,”don’t want a man with baggage”or am not into playing games”but that is exactly what you’re doing,after all we have said to each other so far, you can say “I dont know if I’m ready for dating yet”????? maybe not,I’m so sorry!!!!! You and so many other women on here do nothing but play games,I was so enchanted by your words in your profile(and I thought you actually meant them)that I had to contact you right away but I tell you right now I’ve made a big mistake and it’s like someone else wrote those words for you because you can’t even be bothered to phone me and I respect your privacy so much I couldn’t ask for yours.AnywayI’ve had enough and I wish you good luck and I hope you find what you’re looking for bye Gus”

  159.  #159mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:17 am

    wow, daria.

    what makes you ask that?

  160.  #160Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:20 am

    well. i ask that because according to inner bonding and also somewhat indirectly to rori,

    when we are focusing on a man we are avoiding feeling something in ourselves, so using the thoughts of him to do that

    because accordign to rori we are to focus on our feelings in our body, and thoughts of a man who is not in our presence would be distracting us from that

  161.  #161mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:21 am


    i like the way this guy looks. i like the way it felt walking next to him. i liked it when he was telling me about his wife, and how it was when he was raising his kids after she died, and i like the emails that were going back and forth.

    i simply emailed him after our Saturday together and told him it was a nice time.

    shouldn’t have done that?

    oh my.

    wish i was born a guy.

  162.  #162Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:21 am

    Mary –

    this guy has ISSUES. there are men waving red flags

    its like he’s saying RED FLAG see its RED its RED its really really RED!

  163.  #163Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:22 am

    talking about Gus

    ahhh i feel triggered into getting sucked in to write to him…

    but. i know the universe hears me louder when i simply move away from what i don’t want

  164.  #164Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:23 am

    or i might try…

    oh.. that feels terrible to read… i feel a little frightened now.. im not available to meet or chat anymore

  165.  #165Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:24 am

    ps dont be surprised if he comes back in a couple of weeks trying to contact you again (usually my redflaggers will do this)

  166.  #166mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:26 am

    well, yes!

    i’m feeling pretty rotten right now.

    i’m scared to get started in real estate.

    i can’t seem to choose a firm.

    money is going and going and going, and none is coming in.

    i have a condo to list but i need to choose a firm to actually get my license and be able to list it.

    R is not contacting me any more. he’s moving on.

    old flame’s divorce is a LONG WAY AWAY.

    i like this island guy because he’s simple.

    he’s a carpenter.

    he’s very athletic, but not in a worldly way. you know?

    he runs through the trees and up hills and stuff. and he loves to swim.

    and he listens.

    and he has some give in his personality.

    like – when i write something silly or something goofy, he lets it slide.

    and he’s way cool.

    and i have all this stuff in storage that i need to deal with.

    and i need to file all my papers.

    and i miss my kids and my mom.

    and i need to go help my daughter.

    and there’s so much to do, so much to do…

    i’m overwhelmed.

    my stomach hurts.

  167.  #167mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Gus is not Island Man.

    He was just an example of me not getting the hang of dating.

  168.  #168Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Mary –

    well I wouldn’t have emailed him to tell him it was a nice time. I would have just enjoyed it, and then told him when he contacted me

    but if i just had emailed him, i would just have emailed him and thats it

    and so now its up to him to contact me. so i would forget about him for now, until he contacts me, except maybe to take a note that im not feeling good the way he’s handling this at this point…

    my Goddess is not feeling good. she’s feeling neglected. i might share that with him when he next contacts me, if it feels very important to me then

    but meanwhile, i would try to take care of my Goddess, because she’s feeling neglected, and focusing on this man is like sucking water out of her and throwing it onto a forward moving waterwheel

  169.  #169Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:29 am

    ok… so sink into the rotten feelings, and do some hugging of them. and practice repeatedly moving your thoughts from island man to yourself and the rotten feeling feelings or good feelings, because feelings morph

  170.  #170mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:30 am


    i really liked what you said earlier tonight.

    about realizing that what you wanted was a good relationship, and that desire was appearing in the form of a man, and you had it stuck to that man, and when you unstuck it, you realized that someone else could slip in and fill that desire.

    i liked that.

    i could use that.

    thank you.

  171.  #171Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:31 am

    nite nite!

  172.  #172mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:32 am


    i want island man to contact me.

    now what?

    i feel a gap in my goddessness. and i’m thinking that island man can fill that gap…


  173.  #173dawn on May 29, 2010 at 2:43 am

    I feel my horse trotting down memory lane
    the sun warms my back
    it feels good
    old wounds are healed, forgiven
    i feel reflective
    i feel ready to receive
    i feel ready to give
    I feel whole
    secure in myself
    rid of the fear and blame
    open hearted and alive
    aware and peacefull
    aware of what i may have lost
    open to all life has to offer
    past and present have made me who i am
    a goddess

  174.  #174Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:49 am

    no. only mary can fill her gaps. using someone else for that is a no no. (inner bonding)

    sounds like what you want is to feel good (and you are latching on to island man as the filler)

    oh but i just came back to say how much more ENERGY and well being i have after drinking the uva ursi today. yes… oh o hoh…

    how much my physical is connected to my emotional


  175.  #175mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:50 am

    okay, let me try again.

    i feel rotten that island man isn’t getting in touch. i love my rotten feelings. they tell me something needs adjusting.

    i feel sick that R is painting his place. i don’t know why! i love it that i care for him so much. i love it that i feel sick about him. (????) i wish he had been able to marry me and that we could have ridden into the sunset together.

    i feel scared!
    i love my feeling scared. (why? feeling scared is awful!) i feel terrified. i don’t know how to be a realtor! i know! they’re supposed to teach me. i’m just having trouble getting started.

    i don’t want to. i’m mad that the recession has taken half of my money. and now i have to work. i’m mad about that!

    i want to blame it on my ex. but he is not even thinking about me! he has nothing to gain by making this happen.

    i want to blame it on myself. on the fact that i wasn’t clairvoyant enough to see it happening and do something quick.

    when most Americans have been hit!

    i love my feeling ashamed that i lost so much. (why? because it will make me more cognizant of the fact that i need to keep learning?)

    i love my hesitation! (oh! poor mary! she’s so scared she can’t do anything!)

    i have all these rotten feelings and i love them all. they’re here for a reason.

    i can learn.

    yes, i’m ready to learn.

    i want to learn how to care for myself. i won’t need a man then.

    i want to learn how to be a realtor, or whatever else i want to be!

    i do want to play piano at the bengal lounge. wow. some people moved in across the hall. i gave them my card and told them i play piano, and they could call me if it was too loud. shouldn’t have done that! i should have just given them my card with a smile and not said anything about the piano.

    cuz i am gonna play it.

    i’m scared that if i’m not proactive now, i’ll soon be too old to attract anyone. when i know that’s not true! my MOTHER got married again at 62, and he was an alcoholic, so she divorced him and got married again at 77! and he died, and she’s out dancing now… she’s 80…

    i love being scared about losing my attractiveness.

    i’m scared that i’ll turn a guy off because my body is too white, too flabby, too fat in places, not perfect.

    i love my body?



    i can’t really go there.

    i’m not overweight. everyone says i’m slim. but naked… ??? no.

    i love it that i don’t love my body.

    oh! i’m sorry for going on and on and on and on…

    i should try to sleep.

    like everyone else…

    thank you.

  176.  #176mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:57 am

    i feel so anxious that i don’t even sleep very much.

    i can’t do anything.

    i don’t know what to do!

    but wish for island man.

    when old flame is the better choice for me… i know that. and he will come after me, when the time comes.

    i just know it.

    but i can’t wish for that, can i?

    i can’t wait for him, can i?

    what to do now?

    i’m trying to do everything at once. but when i separate things, that doesn’t work either. because then, if i’m doing solitary things, i get lonely. if i’m doing people things, my papers need me. if i’m taking care of family, i can’t get my work done…

    i need to do everything at once!

  177.  #177mary on May 29, 2010 at 3:01 am


    so i suddenly had an empty nest.
    we moved to canada.
    my husband left me.
    i went to divorce recovery.
    i found someone else – (R)
    oh! excuse me…
    i chose him. – that’s right!
    i lost all of my income.
    and lots of the rest.
    sold my house.
    engagement broke.
    sulked around.
    moved again.
    passed my test.
    started dating again.

    and here i am.
    attaching myself to island man.

    oh, headache.

    time for sleep.

  178.  #178dawn on May 29, 2010 at 5:21 am

    Mary, What you seek is already within you ! You are awesome enough without Island man ! Speak your truth my friend, never ever apologise here my friend. You are a goddess in your own right and never forget it !!! Sweet dreams goddess, we love you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  179.  #179dawn on May 29, 2010 at 5:26 am

    The most powerful thing ive learnt is that everyone has a different timeline for their goals or desires. What seems good today may not be good tomorrow. I feel secure knowing that , and its OK . People come and go . These men are messengers. They show up to make our journey easier if we are open to receive the lesson. Look within yourself and your heart, thats where the answers are !

  180.  #180dawn on May 29, 2010 at 5:51 am

    This post doesnt make me angry it gives me HOPE! Im not looking for marriage , been there done that. Im looking for the love I deserve. Im looking for the man that shares my goals, dreams and desires and marriage has nothing to do with that ! Marriage to me is just a piece of paper , ownership. Two hearts do not need a piece of paper to know its right. I think when marriage is the goal you limit yourself and your heart. Sorry Rori !!

  181.  #181lucy on May 29, 2010 at 7:56 am

    um, dorothea, ANY relationship at this age will be “second place” – for all of us. and second place isn’t necessarily inferior to first place when it comes to relationships. “the one” for each of us is most likely dating some other woman right now. just like we are dating Men who are not the one. also, about the friends thing, daria… not saying this will happen, but i recalled tht my two best relationships (in my 20s) started as good friends and transformed into solid marriage proposals.

  182.  #182lucy on May 29, 2010 at 8:05 am

    mary, i think it’s island man’s age – he’s just a bit slow out of the gate. just my take, but i know i usually see things differently. don’t know about you, but thoughts of my “crush” do not distract me from my feelings – they actually trigger feelings for me to feel and heal – it’s like accelerated feeling lessons – especially this whirlwind of the last couple days – surfacing issue after issue and inviting me to dive in and heal them.

  183.  #183Simply Shannon on May 29, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Mary, I’m just going back through posts again. You called the phone company? About the call to R? I feel concerned. I imagine you spinning your wheels with worry about those calls you made. What to do, what to do? Did he get my message? Why isn’t he calling?

    Am I making that up? What were your reasons for calling the phone company?

  184.  #184lucy on May 29, 2010 at 8:15 am

    yay! we are leaving the hospital!

  185.  #185Simply Shannon on May 29, 2010 at 8:24 am

    Mary, You sound just like me! So much to do, so little time. This was my Facebook status yesterday. Spot on for what you are dealing with too.

    “…you have stayed long enough at this mountain” (Duet 1:6, NIV) My mountain is the laziness caused by indecision. So many things to do that I feel overwhelmed and don’t do anything. Today I choose to move past this mountain.

    Mary, I’m picking one thing today. Just ONE thing to do and accomplish and feel good about accomplishing it. No feeling guilty for anything else I’m NOT doing. I’m done with that. I can only do so much. It’s ME that expects so much. Nobody else cares. Yes they may miss spending time with me, but ain’t nobody dying from it.

    I feel hopeful this will connect with you. Reading your words certainly connected with me. Yeah! I feel happy.

  186.  #186Simply Shannon on May 29, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Lucy!!! YEAH!!! Very happy to hear the news about your daughter!!! I feel grateful and relieved. YEAH!!!

  187.  #187bea on May 29, 2010 at 8:49 am



    it’s not the first couple of meetings; we’ve been dating a while (not as consistently as I am comfortable with) and a few weeks before he broke our date, i’d given him the no boyfriend speech, expecting him to say “thanks but no thanks” and in fact he said quite the opposite. i have been circular dating & flirting & going about my life. is there anything else you suggest?

  188.  #188Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 9:44 am


    I feel so happy and peaceful hearing about how things worked out on your anniversary. I feel relieved that you took my feedback well. I felt nervous writing it. I feel excited about the help that you received from the goddesses about how to word your feeling messages. I feel excited because this topic of “special days” has the potential of bringing you two even closer. I feel so glad that you have such a sweet man in your life (even if he may not understand yet how important these days are to you). I feel touched.


  189.  #189Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Oh man! Last night felt so intense yet eye-opening. I went to this small intimate party last night with “the cool kids” and I was feeling very shy and insecure”. By “the cool kids” I’m referring to this group of people here that I know somewhat but have never really felt comfortable with. They all feel so beautiful and fun and I have always felt insecure and unworthy of their friendship even though when I hang out with them, I also feel a kinship.

    I feel so weird saying this! I feel like an insecure high school kid and I am 37!

    So anyway, last night I had a breakthru and realized they are just people who want to feel loved and accepted! So simple! They are no better than me. They are just normal people and I don’t have to focus on trying to get them to like me. All I have to do is love them, see their beauty, see god’s reflection in them and they can’t help but mirror that love back.

    It’s so simple. This separation has all been in my head. They don’t act like they think they are “cool” or better than anyone else. In fact, they have always been really nice and accepting of me. All my feelings of exclusion and unworthiness have been coming from me.

    I feel so relieved that all I have to do is love. That feels easy. I feel relieved and excited to interact with this group that I have felt so intimidated by yet drawn to.

    Wow! This feels huge!

  190.  #190Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 10:01 am

    I feel freed from the jail of my own mind!

  191.  #191mary on May 29, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Oh my.

    Simply Shannon.

    You feel happy.

    After I spilled it all and acted like a total idiot the last few days and tried new things and broke promises to myself and let everyone here know everything.

    And thought I might be ignored from now on.

    You relate?

    That blows my mind.

    I was so embarrassed when I woke up this morning that I let some time go by before taking a blog peek…

    Yes, okay! I will try for one thing today!

    Tonight I’m cooking for Man in the Woods and he promised to take me dancing after. I’m actually looking forward to it. He’s really hanging in there with me in this state of chaos. Adjusting himself, conforming to expectations, trying very hard. I don’t like it most of the time, but since he’s really trying, he’s looking better!

  192.  #192mary on May 29, 2010 at 10:06 am


    Just before you ask me that question last night, I had written a comment and erased it. It said something like:

    I NEED Island Man because: I’m scared. because: I’m in chaos and I’m confused… etc., etc.

    It felt spine-tingly when you asked me.

    Hey, I feel better (even if I do feel terribly exposed)!

  193.  #193mary on May 29, 2010 at 10:09 am

    and something great happened this morning!

    Old Flame wrote and said, “Okay, change of subject (from his divorce.) How’s real estate? How’s Victoria? What are you doing for fun today? Have you ever tried two-stepping?”

    And wow!


    I’ve been learning, you guys.

    I joked light-heartedly with him (because my heart is lighter today!)

    Said, “J, have you been two-stepping without me?”

    And had so many succinct and amazingly insightful things to say about real estate. I surprised myself!

    And left it on a beautiful, uplifting note.

    And it was so easy!

    Yes, I have been learning from you guys.

    Thank you.

  194.  #194mary on May 29, 2010 at 10:11 am


    I got a message from a guy from Plenty of Fish. He’s in Africa doing great things for people, and he was just describing his day to me!

    Straight communication.

    No word-smithing like Island Man. (That kind of flirting throws me out of my element.)


  195.  #195mary on May 29, 2010 at 10:11 am

    I feel relieved.

    Deep, long breath of air.

    I feel excited about doing my one thing today! I can do one thing!!!


    I can do one thing!

    Thank you sirens.

  196.  #196Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Congratulations on the college thing Alicia! Wow! I feel so excited that your LOA is working!!! I feel inspired to deal with some loose ends I have with my college degree.

    I graduated, went through the ceremony and all that but that last semester I had an incomplete in a class that I never took care of so “technically” I don’t have my diploma. It hasn’t stopped my from what I want to do but it feels bad having that loose end in my life. To have spent all that time and money and then not have my diploma because of a small technicality feel horrible. It doesn’t affect my day to day life but it an energetic loose end and it would feel great to wrap it up.

    I feel so ispired reading your letter because I feel my situation could be handled in a similar way by being honest abou what was going on for me at the time.

    Thank you!

  197.  #197Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Lucy: I feel confused. Did you contact getting closer man? Is he the one who is dating another woman? I feel confused.

  198.  #198Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Yay Mary! I’ve been feeling overwhelmed too with all I have to do. The idea of just doing one thing feels great! (thanks SS). I feel so happy that you are feeling better!

  199.  #199dorothea on May 29, 2010 at 10:43 am

    lucy, NO. why aren’t you LISTENING to this man? he says he wants this girl more than he wants you. but you could join them (CRUMBS) and be nothing more than a plaything in their relationship that gets no emotional gratification in return. i don’t know what else to say to you. he is basically saying “i have this other lady and you are in AT LEAST second place.”

    well, lucy…i don’t want to argue anymore (yes i know i started it) so I am just going to leave this by saying:

    feel free to ignore everything you’ve had the opportunity to learn about power and self esteem and attraction here since your approach is so obviously working for you to get you what you really want………….:P

    i know i’m being mean. it’s out of love but i don’t expect anyone to believe this. hehe.

  200.  #200Jennifer on May 29, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Went out with my money friend last night to the local watering hole.
    Was having a pretty good time. Talking to lots of men and practicing.
    She’s good at bringing them aroung…very friendly and smiling, lots of fun.
    Some dude was talking to her…he went to the bathroom, she went to say hello to a friend. He came back…said “hey how ya doin?” I said “I’m doing really well, how are you doing?”
    He said “fine…where’s the beautiful girl?”
    Maybe I just wont’ go out to the bar anymore.
    This feels like a stone in my pelvis.
    I WAS feeling powerful…like I had golden energy kind of swirling around in my body. Bubbly.
    This froze it solid and it crashed into a heap in my pelvis.

  201.  #201dorothea on May 29, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Jennifer, i feel bad for your friend. She’s attracting guys like THAT. guys who see women and the world along those lines and THEN actually relate to the public like that.

  202.  #202Ankita on May 29, 2010 at 11:52 am


    What I feel is that, there is a difference between these two friendships:-
    1) When you are just good pals, and then go into something different…
    2) When he asks you to be his friend, and he already has someone in his mind… and then you go into something different…

    The 2nd case also happens, but I have seen the 1st one happening much more…

    That’s what I felt… Just a thought…!! 🙂

  203.  #203gina on May 29, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Dorothea, I like your response to Jennifer. Jennifer, I hope you don’t give up your power so easy. Either he was genuinely into your friend, and in that case, you have nothing to lose by being supportive, or he’s a jerk who doesn’t know how to behave – and you haven’t lost anything in that case either. I’m sounding manly: sorry for my opinions…I feel triggered by that crummy experience. First I felt sorry for you, then I felt guilty for thinking of you as a victim, and then I realized that the victimness is a matter of interpretation. It sounds like you were building strength by flirting in general, and this was an opportunity to apply your expandedness – I hope you don’t shrink away!

  204.  #204Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Wow Lucy! I feel caught up now. I didn’t see your post on the other page.

    Wow! I feel unsure about what to say. I feel sad that you are sad yet I still feel hopeful that things will work out for you.

    You feel so beautiful and I know good things are coming your way. I feel hopeful that you will just trust that all is working out as it should. And someday you will look back on this and laugh. Keep your sense of humor, keep your head up and you’ll do fine. Every cloud has a silver lining…even this one!

    My heart goes out to you. Sending lots of love!

  205.  #205Laughing goddess on May 29, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Maybe getting closer guy’s message was to give you an idea of some of the qualities you are looking for and now that you have a better idea of what you want, you will recognize it when it shows up. Hey, he’s also helping you to figure out what you don’t want! What a great guy! Thanks for that getting closer man. The thing is, there’s lots of guys out there who have the same qualities that you like about him who will show up and treat you like the queen that you are!!! Don’t get attached to the man, get attached to the feelings you have when interacting with him. And then keep the feelings in mind as you are out there in the world.

    You can shine through this. You can do it Lucy!!! Yes, I believe in you!

  206.  #206gina on May 29, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    I feel uncertain about a guy who has a girlfriend who invited me to audition to be a part of their dance team. I’d have to drive far away a few times a week in order to participate, which would ordinarily be a deal breaker. Honestly, being around him is a primary attraction. I see that their relationship is rocky, and I sense that he is feeling me out as a possible “way out” – i don’t feel him pursuing me sexually at all. And he’s not really pursuing me for something more, either – he just seems to be feeling me out a bit. But it feels weird for me cause I am attracted but very weary. I feel willing to audition to see what’s up, and then feel it out from there…any thoughts ladies??

  207.  #207mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Oh! Jennifer,

    I have such issues with beauty! This really hits me. I feel so mad that he said that to you.

  208.  #208mary on May 29, 2010 at 12:52 pm


    When you said you’re attracted but very weary, did you mean very wary?

    Well, Mary is very wary!


    A guy who uses you for a way out from her will use someone else as a way out from you.

  209.  #209Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Thanks for the supportive comments. I am now home! Yay!

    On my way home, I was actually thinking about self- esteem in this situation … hadn’t yet read what Dorothea wrote:

    “feel free to ignore everything you’ve had the opportunity to learn about power and self esteem and attraction here since your approach is so obviously working for you to get you what you really want………….:P”

    And what I was thinking about self-esteem surprised me. My self-esteem is pretty good, but I realized this situation is revealing a surprising weakness in it:

    Here it is: I realized that if my self-esteem was BETTER, I would GO and have fun! The main thing that is holding me back is the fear that I won’t be “good enough” for one or both of them! If I felt like I was drop-dead gorgeous and very fun, I would go and just enjoy myself.

  210.  #210Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    p.s. Thank you, Dorothea, for your masculine energy mean girl voice — that gave me good practice in healing another trigger. 😛

  211.  #211Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm


    “2) When he asks you to be his friend, and he already has someone in his mind… and then you go into something different…”

    He didn’t actually ask me to be his friend. He didn’t even use the word friend. But we have been friends from the beginning.

  212.  #212dorothea on May 29, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    lucy i got love for u….and the masculine voice i have is… it’s like all i can offer u in your situation and i feel so compelled to at least offer you SOMETHING because it felt awful reading that he is with another lady.

    i wish we could have an on demand button for rori’s responses to all our situations hehe.

    time to go to work bye!

  213.  #213Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    It would be funny if I went out there and she and I hit it off and both of us dropped him to be with each other. Haha. 😀

  214.  #214Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    When I was a senior in college, I became friends with a freshman guy, M, and his circle of friends. I liked him right away, but played it cool (for one thing he had a gf back home). After awhile, he broke up with home girl and started dating a freshman girl, D. Then he broke up with D, we became closer friends and then it evolved into a great dating relationship. One time while we were dating, I had a strange convo with D: she said she knew he would come back to her and that they would get married, so she wasn’t worried about him dating me — she knew it was temporary.

    Well, he asked me to marry him, I said yes, he bought me a little diamond ring. That summer we worked together at a camp and (I told this part before) I broke the engagement and slept with our boss. (Now I know I did that b/c M was a great guy and I had to sabotage what I really wanted.) He went crying to D and they ended up getting married. (He gave her the ring he had bought for me!…I had given it back.)

    I’m not telling this story in order to make a specific point, but just to say how weird things can get sometimes.

  215.  #215Ankita on May 29, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Yes Lucy

    Things can get really weird…

    After reading your story of college life, felt really weird, like criss-cross…

    With D., then you, then again D.

    Ohh.. Wow…!!

  216.  #216Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Laughing Goddess, I feel really glad that you believe in me!

    I know it is a crazy situation.

    The thing is, we did start out as friends.

    And, I have ALWAYS felt that if it didn’t work out as something more, I would still want to be friends with him, just because of who he is.

    A couple days ago, I read that recent rori email about creating emotional safety for a man, about a dozen times. And the thing is, that’s the way I have mostly interacted with him, and am continuing to do so. He has seen me really manage my own emotions in an honest, powerful, safe way — especially in the past two days.

    Maybe things will work out btwn him and interloper girl, and maybe they won’t. Who knows? But I WANT to be his friend through this time (oh, I forgot to mention that M and D stayed friends while I was dating M — but I am not holding that as an agenda here: I truly want to be his friend no matter what).

    They are on a weekend beach trip with her friends — flew out last night. He texted me early this morning, said everyone else was still sleeping. I thought that was kinda weird and funny.

  217.  #217mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    yes, shannon.

    i’m still obsessed with R.

    not as much as before!

    but yes! i still drive over to check his parking space. see if his car is there and if he’s around town.

    i did call the phone company because i had all those obsessive thoughts.

    he and i were obsessed with each other. and i’ve never had another person hold me so tight. and be so in the moment with me. and was so sexy. hmmm. and the next day he’d withdraw. and i’d feel rejected.

    over and over and over and over.

    going from the highest point of my life to the lowest point of my life overnight.

    so i’m not doing that roller coaster any more. all i’m doing now is calling the phone company when i get off my horse and start calling him at midnight.

    that’s progress, i think!

  218.  #218mary on May 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    you know, come to think of it, i did feel kinda nervous with Island Man.

    still wishin’ he’d call.

    i’d like to see those blue eyes again.

    that would make my day.

    i’ll have to make my day without him…

  219.  #219Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Im feeling great!

    omg! i feel so relieved that the Uva Ursi is working! finally! I feel myself and happy… ohhhhh

    it feels so great… sooooo great.

    i got this weird lil rash but I am ok

    my bladder no longer hurts

    i am healing myself

    thank you GOD

    i want full and complete healing

    i feel so thrilled!

    and the sun is out

    the day is lovely and i made some extra $ today

    i feel good

    i feel so much more powerful mentally and energetically!


  220.  #220Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    I feel hopeful that maybe tomorrow at church New Cute Guy will notice me.

    I feel hopeful that I can catch up on sleep tonight here at home (hard to sleep on a parent cot in a pediatric hospital!!!) so that I can be fresh and beautiful at church tomorrow.

    I would feel so good to find an amazing man to take my mind off my Friend.

    New Cute Guy doesn’t look like the typical boring guy in this area. Maybe he is from someplace else.

    I feel doubtful that there are any other men who will appeal to me as much as my Friend does.

    I love my doubtful, frustrated, hopeless feelings.

  221.  #221Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    I am going thru the emails I read and saved on my phone in the hospital so that I can save them on my computer.

    I really liked this from Sherry:

    “After all, if you don’t keep that beautiful heart open how can he, or any man, come in?”

    See, I feel like if I keep him out of my life completely, I will be closing my heart — not just to him, but to all men. I feel like I have to keep my heart open, raw as it is right now, and allow the pain that comes with keeping an open heart.

    He is IN my heart, he will always be in my heart, just like any other person I have ever loved.

  222.  #222Apple Jacks on May 29, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Alicia – Get out of the city!!! I’m in Dallas, Tx. too!!! How AWESOME!!! 🙂

  223.  #223mary on May 29, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Apple Jacks,

    Get out of town! I’m coming to Dallas and I’ll be there soon!


    Aren’t you in Dallas?

  224.  #224Apple Jacks on May 29, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Mary – HA! When are you coming?

  225.  #225Rachel on May 29, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    No…. New York. I would love to meet you guys sometime though. Can you imagine the late night talks?!

  226.  #226Sweetpea on May 29, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Hi all! Sounds like you guys are off this topic, but I’m still on it. I found this on a horoscope site and thought I would post it here to see what you think. I thought it was interesting.
    Top 5 Reasons For Marriage It’s not extinct yet
    by Eric J. Leech
    With such a high divorce rate you might be asking yourself why should I bother to tie the knot? Well, despite the obvious emotional and financial risks, there are actually a lot of good reasons to reconsider the sacred institution:
    1. Happier/Healthier – According to numerous surveys, married couples report being happier than single couples. Studies also show that married couples are healthier. This so called “marriage advantage” has been documented since the mid-1800s, and has led scientists to conclude that homo sapiens as a species fares better, emotionally and physiologically, as a lifelong mating pair, i.e. married. This is not to say that any marriage will offer these benefits. The relationship must be for the most part happy, stable, and committed.

    2. Stability – The phenomenon of passionate versus romantic love tells us that romantic love is what we should all strive to achieve, but in order to reach this, we need both comfort and stability. While divorce may still loom over any relationship, marriage is the symbol of commitment to a partner for “better or worse.” Knowing that our partner has pledged these vows is often enough stability to allow a couple to extend beyond the intimacies of sex, to a realm of emotional, physical, and spiritual connection.

    3. Commitment – Many couples who are living together will tell you that they are doing so out of financial necessity, or to test the waters in preparation for marriage. According to research, none of the above are viable reasons. Marriage is a decision to commit to a lifelong relationship that is much more meaningful than sharing rent and a phone bill.

    4. Experience Traditional Family – It’s true that you don’t need a piece of paper from the state to start a family, but in doing so you are following a tradition of life and love that spans across many generations and different cultures. It provides a stable environment for families, and gives children a positive model upon which to base their own relationships.

    5. Transcending Relationship Stages – Couples may not want to be stuck in one phase of a relationship for the rest of their lives. That is not to say you cannot evolve as a couple without marriage, but considering the third stage is commitment, it is the ultimate in proof of sincerity in a relationship.

  227.  #227mary on May 30, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Apple Jacks,

    I’ll be in Dallas in July for sure – probably most of the month – definitely at the beginning.

    And I’ll probably get there in late June.

    I need to figure it out!

    You can email me at


    Love to meet you! and Alicia!

  228.  #228Brenda on June 1, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Let’s all move to Dallas.

  229.  #229Apple Jacks on June 1, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Mary, I would love to meet you and Alicia too! You’ll be getting my email soon. 🙂

    Brenda – there’s just one problem. I’m trying ot move OUT of Dallas lol.

  230.  #230Brenda on June 1, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Hi Apple Jacks! Where are you moving to?

  231.  #231Alicia on June 1, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Apple Jacks, Mary and Dallas People..

    My email is we should meet up for a drink or coffee and have a little “dallas, trade stories and progress meeting” haha..

  232.  #232Apple Jacks on June 1, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Oh I LOVE the idea Alicia, lol. Lord knows I need some face to face support as I’m begining to use these new tools. You and Mary will be hearing from me soon. 🙂

  233.  #233Apple Jacks on June 1, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Brenda – I don’t know where I’m moving to yet. Just trying to get out, you know?

  234.  #234Brenda on June 1, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Apple Jacks, You are welcome to move to Pennsylvania! 🙂

  235.  #235Apple Jacks on June 1, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Thanks Brenda. It looks most likely to either be California or New York. We’ll have to see. New York is close to Pennsylvania, though.

  236.  #236Brenda on June 2, 2010 at 6:58 am

    Cool! I have never been to CA, but I’d like to. I used to live in Upstate NY, near Albany.

  237.  #237Lucy on June 2, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Brenda, I grew up just south of Albany!

  238.  #238Marissa, on June 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Hi Rori,
    Hello Ladies,

    This is my first time posting, I tried yesterday but I think I might have posted it in the wrong place.

    First I would like to let everybody know that reading your posts is helping me ease the pain that I am going through. Thank you.

    Here is my dilemma, and I would really, really appreciate it very much if you could give me some advice.

    Two weeks ago my ex boyfriend whom I have been seeing off and on for almost a year (we’ve meet almost 4 years ago), told me he loves me and that he needed two weeks to figure out if he wants to be with me or not. A week later he sent me a text saying he have decided to be on his own for the foreseable future and he does not want to hold me up anymore. That he is sorry about that, and he would contact me as usual.

    I replied by saying to do what his heart is telling him and if that is what will make him happy and I said goodbye.

    It had been eight days since that happened, I haven’t heard from him and I am trying really hard right now not to contact him. I really do love him and can’t imagine being with someone else. Is there anything I could do or say to change his mind?

    I have read from your blogs about circular dating but I just can’t handle it right now.

    I have been having this anxieties to text him this last few days. Some days are worst than others.

    Please Rori, Ladies, I could really use some advice.

    Thank you in advance.


  239.  #239Simply Shannon on June 4, 2010 at 5:22 am

    Marissa: I know you are hurting but this man told you the truth. –> he has decided to be on his own for the foreseable future and he does not want to hold me up anymore. That he is sorry about that, and he would contact me as usual.

    Texting him will only show him that you don’t love yourself, that you’re willing to take whatever he wants to give (which is likely crumbs/nothing/occasional booty call). In effect, you’ll prove to him he made the right decision, that you aren’t the prize (which you are!).

    Circular dating is the key. Try being out in the world and smiling at men. That’s all you have to do to CD. Then gradually work up to saying a feeling message to a man at the grocery store or coffee shop or wherever. And one day go on a date.

    (((HUGS))) I know this pain all too well. When I broke up with my exhusband of 6ish years, it took me a year to get over it. When I broke up with the 1st boyfriend after that, it took me a month to start dating again. Last boyfriend, it took me a week. Why? Because I know CDing works. It will snap me out of a funk better than anything else.

    And who knows… NOT texting or contacting him will likely make him curious if he made the right decision and he’ll call you back. Trust me. Men come back if we leave them alone! And by then, you may not want him. Just know that it may take a month or two before he contacts you. But if you will NOT contact him, I can pretty much guarantee HE will contact you.

  240.  #240Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 6:04 am

    Marissa, Hi, Shannon is telling you the truth. I felt like you, like it was almost impossible to not contact Ryan. I did it the wrong way. I texted him right out of my life. That started last summer, but he stopped seeing me altogether in November of last year. He still texted me occasionally, but then I way overfunctioned, texting him over and over in my pain and loneliness, and he stopped texting me altogether. I have given it a rest for about a month, and he just called me the other day. It’s the first time he’s actually called me since January.

    Don’t make the mistake I did. I know it hurts so bad!! Just know that the issue is NOT you…it’s HIM. He has to find his way. Your best chance of him coming back to you is to totally lean back by not texting or calling him.

    For me, I found it impossible. Rori says make a “Like List”, 100 things you LIKE to do, and do one of them when you feel like contacting him. Nothing worked for me until I found this blog, which I affectionately refer to as “Siren Island”. This place is my refuge. And it is the best thing to fill the spot when my heart is aching.

    If it helps, you can even write on HERE what you would like to text to your man, just get it out of your system! It is the outlet I so needed, I know that. I feel so supported here, and I’ve made new friends around the world.

    Circular dating is hard when you are broken inside and just want to cry and think there will never be another man like the one you just lost. I KNOW. I am only now starting to circular date, in the last month. After my heart was broken last July.

    But if you’re too raw to actually relate to another man, will you at least date yourself? Take yourself to a lake or to a movie or out to eat? We are here for you. Resist the urge…it will pay off in the long term.

  241.  #241Marissa, on June 4, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Simply Shannon,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I do appreciate it.

    Yesterday I felt better, but today I was up at 4:00 a.m. thinking about him and I felt very scared of the thought of not having him anymore in my life.
    I have this anxiety and I am missing him so much. You are right though, I have been taking crumbs from him, although he was always there in times that I needed advice on everything and a shoulder to cry on. I had considered him my best friend and confidant. Was that a bad thing?. He is a practical kind of person, which I am not. I will try to go through today without contacting him, it had really been a struggle each day not to do it, I thought it would get easier but it doesn’t seem like it.

    Thanks again, and have a great day.


  242.  #242Lovely on June 12, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Linda, that “internal over-functioning” is so perfect a thought — thank you!! Great way to think of things, or to not think of things, more perfect.

    In switching thoughts, maybe try to direct your thoughts once they get onto “that” man, DIRECTLY onto something or some group of things you write down. I tried this for a while in a little notebook and it was great, even if the things on my notebook, some were memories of great happenings with this latest, or other, yes, men. I figure that is law of attraction, eliciting the same feelings I have had in the past and lately as well.

    Re circular dating (which must be the CD acronym I see here?), I see some saying it’s hard, and it is if/when you are hitting “duds”. Though I have found that the more I think of the great feelings I have had in the past, the more likely and more quickly they emerge. NOT focusing on any particular guy, but on moments from a collection of them. Then I end up “manifesting” those things in my CD dates.

    That’s what I was doing, along with an “ideal list” I’d saved in a “draft” email which I’d read a few times daily, imagining the feeling of having that. It all worked out with the commitment phobe I have on my hands currently, but for that married part. Married is on my list too, though so was all of his other, really great traits. I feel sad about his pulling away / commitment issues, because we have so much fun and he feels great with me too (which he says after I tell him “I feel” great and nice with him), consistently. But he’s raising the stakes inside his own head, I think, being the only one of us mentioning things like, “We’re trying to figure out if we are in love with each other”.

    Any advice about how to approach this commitment phobe? Once in a while I say I can’t do things, and am busy doing my own things all the time, though I’ve hit a dearth of dates lately too, unfortunately, having just moved from a giant city to a relatively very small one, where I know NO one. Thinking about using loa for “raining men” and for “marry me” too…. not sure how else to deal with the CP, and yes leaning back consistently brings “that guy” toward me, though he still is being phobic.

  243.  #243Laura on June 22, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    RORI (and ladies)
    I have come across a situation that I am at a loss as to how to process it……..or handle it in a Siren”y” way. I have been crying since I found out….a few hours ago….and it is not anything I can even share with my friends because of the personal nature.

    In a nutshell…..I met a wonderful man a year and a half ago. We fell in love and have had some bumps in the rode (his undiagnosed depression and ADD) but we have worked it all out. We too a break for a month in March but missed each other so much we got back together and it has been wonderful. I am 50….he 52. Both my kids are in college. He has one grown and one in HS. Both of his are boys. We share all the same friends and love each other deeply.
    BUT….the last few weeks….he had been acting very shady. Not at all like him and because I know him so well….I KNEW there was something up. He was not answering the phone when I called sometimes and when we were together he was checking his texts a lot. When I mentioned it….he was VERY defensive. FINALLY….he said…”There is something going on but I am not ready to opend up about it yet….just give some time.” Saturday night we went out and had a fabulous time…..he spent the night and we made love all night. Today…Tuesday….he asked me to meet him to talk about what is going on.
    He opened a briefcase with pictures of a young teen girl….18. He had pasted a bunch of them next to his sons. He told me that before he married his second wife….he had dated this woman for 2 years. But he ended things with her because…although she was nice….he wasn’t sure. He got married…she was married at the time…and since she wasn’t getting divorced….they broke-up and never spoke again.

    The made contact on FB 3 weeks ago. She is now divorced and had a pic of her daughter on line. He said he knew right away that she was his! They…the Mom and he have been together ever since. They have yet to tell the daughter or do DNA testing but he is over the moon about this girl and said to me “I love you but I have to do everything in my power to get a relationship with her before she leaves for college in the fall. I want her to get to know me and to eventually introduce her to her brothers. If that means that I am with her Mom now….then that is how it has to be.” This woman kept this daughter a secret for 18 years to keep her husband from freaking out and now that she is divorced she goes after the “real” Dad for the relationship she always wanted.
    He said that he is not denying that he is angry with the “baby momma” somewhere inside himself but he is wanting to put that aside to try and make a miracle happen…….
    What do I DO?????????? Be his friend? Cut him off?
    i feel like I am in a soap opera!!!
    Thanks in advance!

  244.  #244Lonely Luna Girl on June 29, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Hi Rori

    As I write, my heart feels like a wasteland. I am pretty sure that you would tell me that the man that I am in love with now is no good, and I need to walk away. I tried your 3rd way with him, and I just wasn’t successful. What I’m not sure about is whether you would advise me to steer clear of men for a while. I feel too damaged to date.

    I met a man nearly a year ago. I was fresh out of my marriage, but feeling gorgeous, attractive, excited about new opportunities in life. At first Mark seemed smitten, and I felt a certain guilt that I was going to have to break his heart at some point because I didn’t feel the way he did. Over time, our sexual connection grew, and my emotions began to get triggered. After 3 months he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no a couple of times because I wasn’t sure if I could be a ‘devoted’ gf right after leaving my husband. Finally I said yes.

    Three months in (we had already said the L word, but didn’t use it much), he started acting funny- not calling, being too busy, being distant. One night I brought it up, an he said that he didn’t know why but he didn’t feel like being in a ‘relationship.’ he didn’t want to stop seeing me, though. That night I left, and stayed away (no contact) for 30 days. We met up, he professed his love for me (as he always can do when he’s been drinking), and we started seeing each other again, but he was never as close as the first time around. Being with him felt ecstatic to me, and waiting for him to call and try to see me again was anguish. I would curse his name under my breath.

    One night he stood me up. I was out or drinks with fiends in his neighborhood, got very drunk, and proceeded to show up at his house and yell at him in his front yard. He wouldnt let me in and told me to leave. The following week was his birthday, and he was too afraid to tell me that he was shaken up by the incident and didn’t want to see me on his bday, so he lied, and I caught him in it. We took a week off, met for dinner, and I told him that I loved being with him, but couldn’t sleep with him if he wasn’t more present in my life.

    We took another 28/29 days off. During this time I bought Modern Siren and TMR. I can’t really afford them, but I believed that your tools could help me attract Mark, communicate with him, and also take the pressure off of him by circular dating.

    I tried to Curcular Date, but I seem to be stuck in a place where guys will ask for my number and never call, so there’s no ‘dating’ happening. The pressure remained on Mark. This pressure started building up inside of me, as I struggled to use your tools to prevent lazer focusing on him.

    Over the last few weeks, we saw each other a couple of times, but one time he was very drunk (again, professing his love to me, which felt like morphine), and I picked him up and drove him home, and the next time I was very drunk, woke him up by tossing pebbles at his window, and he walked me home. No sex.

    Then, my birthday. This past weekend. I had invited him to my birthday brunch, and anxiously waited all week to see his RSVP. He never did. Then he texted me saturday (my bday), happy birthday, and I invited him to buy me a celebratory drink. Long story short, he wound up coming over late at night, and spending the night with me.

    He left in the morning saying that he was going to be busy with work that day, and that he’d come if he could. The company he worked for went under a couple of months ago, an he and a colleague just started their own electrician company. I knew he was really involved in getting things off the ground, and was kind of stressed, but I thought he would want to be there, and know I wanted him there, and make it a priority. It was my 30th birthday.

    Fast forward to about 8pm Sunday night after a long day of way too much drinking. He texted me to say he was too busy with work to come out. The rest of the night is mostly blurry because I was so drunk:

    I screamed at him on the phone that it was my birthday and I couldn’t believe he was not coming. He stopped answering his phone. I texted him over 100 times, including threats and insults telling him that I hate him and that he needs to move because I will never let him forget how he hurt me and I will break windows and slash tires, etc. My friends tried to calm me down, but I snuck away and walked to his house.

    In the past I had tossed pebbles a his window to wake him up. This time I actually broke his window. The neighbors called the police. The police handcuffed me and drove me downtown to the Drunk Tank. I had to stay there for 4 hours, plus another hour to wait for a cab back. I was still in my birthday dress. My phone was dead. I only knew his number. He wouldn’t answer.

    I got a cab bak to his house. Still drunk. Hurt. Tossed some more pebbles, and he let me in. He let me sleep over (he slept in his clothes as far away from me in the bed as possible), then drove me home in the morning and said he never wants to see me again.

    He called my friend to check up on me and then called me last night to check up. He said we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, even though it’s not what he wanted. We said goodbye.

    I am planning to send him an email today. I figure I have nothing to lose. It’s over.

    I know that my desire to be with this man is unhealthy. I know that he is showing me with his actions that he is not capable of a relationship. I had hope that using your tools- Feeling Messages, Siren statements and tools, circular dating- I could make him feel safe around me, make him remember his attraction to me, draw him out of his resistance, and take the pressure off because I was seeing others. It turns out that this was more idealistic than practical for me. What I can’t stand now is that the door is slammed shut now and I have absolutely destroyed any chance of ‘dating’ Mark with no pressure for a while until his business got going and he was more ready to relate to me. I believe that he loved/loves me, but with all of the drama, I can’t see how we could be in each other’s lives. I feel davastated.

    I’m going to take a break from any alcohol.

    I would like to know your expert opinion about Mark and if there is any way to salvage or if it seems even worth it (is he a toxic man that’s changeable??). But mostly I would like to know if it seems like I’m too wounded to date right now. I was absolutely psychotic when Mark rejected me on my birthday party. I’m terribly afraid to be vulnerable with men now, even ones I’m not attracted to.

    Plus, I miss him intensely.

    Please help, Rori, I am desperate for advice here.


  245.  #245Rori Raye on June 30, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Lovely Luna, Welcome – and there is so much here it’s hard to know where to start. 1. All the pain here is inside you, and coming from your thoughts and actions. A woman who can get drunk and yell at a man from his front lawn, who throws pebbles at his window to wake him up – continually, as a routine… is only hurting herself. This toxicity belongs to YOU. It is yours to accept, love, and change – and I know you can do it. The man – any man – is irrelevant here. What you need to fix is your toxicness to YOU. Your acceptance of a man who “is drunk” consistently just speaks to how intently you are punishing yourself. Please just start with loving yourself, and examining your actions to see if they serve you. We’ll help you all we can. Love, Rori

  246.  #246Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:28 am

    (((Lovely Luna)))

    Wow! I appreciate your candor! I am a recovering emotionally abused woman, and I hope I can be a support to you, along with the other Sirens here on Siren Island!

    Here is a song for you, to feel peace:

    It was written by a man just after he had lost his wife and children in a shipwreck.


  247.  #247Lonely Luna Girl on June 30, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Ok, Rori. I get that. I don’t know how to become un-toxic. I feel so sad because I feel that I will never heal. I’ve done 10 years of therapy, yoga, meditation, personal growth and healing work, and I’m still this angry and violent inside. I’m a yoga teacher, a massage therapist, and just finished a 10 day Nia Intensive (dance as self healing). I’ve spent THOUSANDS of dollars on therapy, self-help, workshops, healings, etc. It seems it will never heal. I don’t know how to embrace it or love it. I feel that I will never be healthy enough for a relationship.

    My father used to scream at me, threaten me, insult me, control me. When I was 18 he nearly killed me by strangling me with his own hands. He said ‘I brought you into the world, I will take you out of it.’ For some reason he stopped just before I passed out, and I survived, but the intensity of the rejection and trauma has stayed with me.

    The pit of emptiness inside of me is fathomless. I know this is why I become so attached and needy with men. I feel the same violence my father directed towards me get triggered when I sense I’m being rejected and unloved.

    I emailed Mark telling him that I completely agree that we cannot be in each other’s lives, and that I will honor that. I told him all of the ways in which I can see that I was putting responsibility for loving myself in his hands, and I was violating my own boundaries. I told him that I could see that I was doing this to myself. I told him that I am sorry a million times over for any harm that I caused him, and that he didn’t deserve any of it. I told him that I hoped he could forgive me someday and see that I was in the midst of a painful process of learning to love myself.

    My ex-husband and I used to get very violent with each other. Finally I walked away, hoping I could make different choices in my next relationship. I watch my mother struggle with her violent and abusive husband. I see how her pattern of accepting abuse left me in a situation of experiencing abuse, and now I am a perpetrator of abuse. It hurts so much to see how destructive this pain is in my life.

    I know that I need to focus on me. There is a huge part of me wishing that I could focus on Mark and try to mend our ‘Imaginary Relationship.’ I know that is not the right path…..but I miss him, and wish that I could have been healthy enough to be with him.

    I am open to any suggestions for REAL healing.

    Thank you

  248.  #248Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 10:57 am

    (((Lovely Luna)))

    I feel your pain. I believe I could help you towards REAL healing.

    I don’t want to offend Rori or anyone here…I believe Rori’s tools are powerful and well worth working. I would also like to talk a step further with you, outside the scope of Rori’s work, about falling in your Heavenly Father’s arms…

    how would you feel about emailing me at I know there are a lot of women here with a lot of beliefs, and that is the reason I am suggesting we email…I really feel strongly that I have some real answers for you, and I’d like to pour out my heart freely without feeling I would offend some.

    I wasn’t abused nearly as badly as you, but I was emotionally abused by my parents with excessive yelling and criticism, and sometimes “spanking” with a belt. I am still in process, but I’ve come a long way.

    What do you think?


  249.  #249dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Lovely Luna, I have experienced so much of the same.

    I don’t know what to say. Smoke a bowl? i know i will catch some backlash for suggesting it but marijuana is so much safer than alcohol and doesn’t contribute to aggression or violence like alcohol does. I feel good about you giving up the drinking. I have not had much of a drinking problem but i did recently decide that I felt bad in general about consuming alcohol in any excess. Sometimes it makes me feel depressed or angry during or the next day after drinking. I had half a beer last night. It felt good and refreshing and then I lost interest in it.

    i really have been through so much the same as you. I am 25 and still struggling. something that helped me tremendously was saying no to relationships that felt bad or too tense, even if it could have objectively just been my fault. i needed to give myself time AWAY from triggers. then i let myself get triggered through circular dating.

    I still get freakin triggered. It’s okay to feel damaged. It’s ok that I went through such traumatic crap. It is part of me. People do accept me for all of me, including this awful part. I have tried so hard to quit denying that i am in pain, or that i am easily triggered, and all that, and it has ultimately led to my feeling less pain and fewer triggers.

    I dunno, I am in a super optimistic mood this week because I realize my LI feels perfectly great about me showing all of myself in front of him, even when i’m falling apart for what I believe are stupid reasons and triggers.

    rori has helped me get to this place by encouraging me not to stuff my feelings.

  250.  #250Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 12:06 pm


    LOL! Smoke a bowl!

    Lovely Luna,

    After you smoke a bowl, you could get some solid help also at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. It really is about getting in touch with your Higher Power! I like Celebrate Recovery, which you could also check out! It’s the Christian version of AA that covers ALL kinds of addictions and past hurts.

    I feel your pain…it must feel so intense right now. We are here for you.

    Just as an FYI, most of the women go to the most recent thread or two…if you go there, it will put you on the radar of more people.


  251.  #251Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Lovely Luna,

    Rori talks about instead of running from our pain, to sink into the feelings and embrace them, to work thru them. One simple but powerful tool is to just collapse to the floor and let yourself be overcome by the feelings inside. Just have a good cry session.

  252.  #252dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    i just mean that many human beings like to use recreational substances, and the least harmful one i know of is marijuana. too bad our laws drive people to drink instead of use a safer alternative.

    i feel terrified of the backlash these comments might generate, ahhh yikes. i love my terrified feelings. i deal with this particular fear all the time.

  253.  #253Lonely Luna Girl on June 30, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Brenda and Dorothea

    Thanks for your input. I am definitely not compatible with marijuana, but thanks for the suggestion 😉 I obsess when I’m stoned. It just magnifies the natural state of my mind.

    As for getting in touch with my Higher Power….I have so many tools to do that, but I get discouraged really easily, and I also forget to use them once I start feeling better. Sadly, I feel that I’m kind of destined to repeat this pattern for some time, because even now I can’t find a strong enough resolve to say that I will never abandon myself again. I don’t believe it when I say it.

    Feeling very unlovable right now. Or, kind of like, ONLY God can love me. Should be enough, right? But I would like some human love. Obviously especially from a man.

  254.  #254Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    (((Lovely Luna)))

    God wants to replace the father who so horribly crushed your trust. He is a friend like no other, and you can talk to Him anytime, anywhere. Even when you’re sitting on the floor vomitting in the toilet.

    He loves you exactly the way you are, and He is perfect, so who am I to do any different?

    One thing I really like is that Rori always reminds us to make progress in our lives in baby steps. Maybe you feel like you can’t leave alcohol alone right now, but, just for this moment, can you go look in the mirror and say, “Lovely Luna, I love you and accept you, exactly the way you are!”?

    LIfe’s a play you can’t rehearse. You made mistakes. We all make mistakes. It never helps to worry. It always helps to pray. Prayer is simply talking to God. Just ask Him if He will let you get close to His heart, to know Him as your Father. He promises if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. He sees you right now in your pain, and He looks at you like a little girl who has fallen and scraped your knee. He doesn’t see you as a failure or as unloveable. He sees you through eyes of compassion and forgiveness. He is there, waiting to hold your hand and help you stand up again. And He has the sweetest antibiotic ointment that’s capable of taking away the pain and infection of our wounds.

    Fall in your Father’s arms…

  255.  #255Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Lovely Luna,

    I encourage you to read a little bit in the Bible every day. Psalms is very comforting, and John and I, II, and III John will help you get in touch with the Father heart of God, a Father who would never, never choke you, but who would gently rest his hand on your shoulder and tell you how much He loves you!

    Another excellent, excellent book is “Streams in the Desert”, a devotional.

    I know you feel the need for the love of a man right now, but you would probably do yourself a favor by working on healing right now. You could plug into a good church nearby and maybe a family there could mentor you and take you under their wing, like a daughter.

    Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help! I am praying for you, and I care!


  256.  #256Lonely Luna Girl on June 30, 2010 at 1:14 pm


    Thank you so much for your sincere support.

    I will take your suggestion of the Bible under consideration.

  257.  #257Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    You’re welcome! Just drop all your preconceived ideas of God and the church and just press into the heart of God…it is so beautiful! Only His Love is perfect! He is my ideal man!

  258.  #258tinque on June 30, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Lovely Lina Girl – I feel so sad for the pain and torment you carry inside.
    I want to assure you that you are on a good path, the yoga, the massage, the dancing, and now you’re here. These things will only facilitate you changes and you journey.
    You CAN heal from toxic behavior. If you really want it, it can be yours. If you can imagine it, you can create it.
    Most of us who pass through here or stick around for awhile or longer have had great trauma and pain as well.
    This is not something you can unload overnight. Your triggers and responses are well programmed. It takes time and patience and great gentleness to yourself to heal this, change patterns that no long serve you, let go of the pain, rewire neural connections. It’s a process, a bit by bit, baby step by bay step process.
    Just keep working the tools, finding ways to soothe yourself, to feel good inside even if only for a few moments, for those moments can and will expand to an hour, several hours, days, weeks, and in this you will let go of your pain, you will heal, you will reprogram your destructive to you patterns.

  259.  #259dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    “Thanks for your input. I am definitely not compatible with marijuana, but thanks for the suggestion 😉 I obsess when I’m stoned. It just magnifies the natural state of my mind.”

    me too. i way obsess. but it’s a great alternative to alcohol for a lot of people.

    sending you all the love in my heart right now. i really do know what you’re going through and i want to send you my love.

  260.  #260Maggie on September 29, 2010 at 5:17 am

    I just got this morning your newsletter about your reconnect program. I have a question. I am in the head and space you refer to. I am taking care of myself, I am done with receiving and accepting scraps for myself. I want to be honest about what I want and I want to express what I feel when my man is less than decent with me. I only want the best for myself because that is what I deserve! But my man has left and is starting with another woman. He still is in touch with me and we even had one wonderful, happy, simple, loving (no sex of course) evening together. I want to know if I should contact him and make a plan to get together so that I can have the opportunity to let him know in person how I have moved so far away from the dynamic we had created. That I am not judging him but that I will never again allow myself to put up with with such crappy behavior. No man and no relationship are worth that much to me. I want him to know that I am dating and happy, which I am… But if I call him and set this up, am I perpetuating the same dynamic on some level? trying and trying to fix it? Should I just wait for him to contact me and then be the strong but leaned back, receiving me? I really do not know what the next step should be. I know he loved me and does not want this to end…

  261.  #261Rori Raye on September 29, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Maggie – wait. Give him some time to contact you…and then – be YOU. If he doesn’t, after a couple of months, let me know and we’ll experiment with other things. But BOTH of you need that time…Love, Rori

  262.  #262Honey on September 30, 2010 at 10:48 am

    I’m new to this forum. Just read, “Have the Relationship you Want”, and placed an order for the “Siren” DVDs today. Boy, do I wish I’d found this info before now. I have no trouble at all attracting great men, even though I am middle aged. However, I realize now that I have been sabatoging my relationships by going into my masculine energy. The one thing I want more than anything in the world is to find my soulmate, be married, and have a wonderful relationship. And when I think I find that, I put all my energy into “obtaining” that the way I do everything else in my life…unfortunately, I know now why that does not work.

    Here’s my dilemma…I met a guy who seemed to be the guy of my dreams. We were together for one very intense month. We had a quarrel and he broke things off with me. He accussed me of having no empathy and being unaware. Which is ironic, because “empathic” is the word that most people would use to describe me. He also had a laundry list of petty little things that bothered him. After thinking about it for a week and a half, and reading the book, I feel I have some insight as to what happened. I think things started out great, but then I got scared, and tried to take over and prove to him how great I was so he wouldn’t leave. This was stupid because he was already crazy about me. I tried to do everything for him and did not accept him for who he is. In the end, I think he felt unsupported, unappreciated, and suffocated…and made his escape. I have trouble being too empathic, doing too much for others, and being out of touch with my own feelings. I have tried to work on it, but the problem has been compounded by having to take additional graduate level coursework in order to continue in my present field, plus I am in a helping profession.

    I am trying to learn about what I need to change. In the mean time, there is the guy that broke up with me. I’m really hoping he will give me another chance. I know that if I contact him, I should just state my feelings and then let go and let whatever happens, happen. If he cannot forgive and move on, then he is not the right person for me anyway. Either way, now that I am thinking things throughk and not just reacting, I feel that I owe him an apology for my part in things. And I want him to know that I was scared because things moved so quickly (even though we both wanted that, ultimately it wasn’t a good choice for me). But I’m not sure what to say or how much. Since I am a newbie, I was hoping for some advice.

  263.  #263Tina on October 10, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    After 4 month dating and I realized that it turned from calling and pursuing me every day to a casual relationship where he only wants to see me 2-3 times a week…I gave him last week the “no girlfriend speech”. Thank you Rori. I felt soooo good afterwards. I was strong in terms of telling him what I want for my own needs and based on my feelings. Then I started right away circulate dating. A few days after my “no girlfriend speech” he contacted me to see me. I denied as I had another date. Yesterday suddenly I felt so emotional. I went on a date and started missing him so so much and realized more and more that I want him back.
    So I texted him in the night that I miss seeing him. As soon as I sent out the text I regretted doing it as I looked desperate and felt that I ruined my cornerstones I had set last week.
    So he responded back this morning asking me what my plans are. He seemed busy and did not make plans with me.
    How do I react and behave after the no girlfriend talk??? Especially if I want to have him back.. Just lean back and wait? DO I see him if he asks me out?

  264.  #264Rori Raye on October 11, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Tina – Welcome – and – you did wonderfully – but what happened here was that you approached the whole thing like a game, a strategy – and that didn’t work, because you weren’t in it for the correct reasons…Free Therapy and taking care of yourself. You don’t need to do ANYTHING about him except ACCEPT dates with him, like you do all men. You can recover from the text if you just get back into the Targeting Mr. Right diva mindset and keep going – Circular Dating INCLUDES him! Love, Rori

  265.  #265Tina on October 11, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Thank you Rori…You are the BEST…He texted me today a few times…I still have though a bit of a guilt feeling to date 2 guys. They are both from the same community.

  266.  #266Tina on October 17, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    So now he did not contact me for about 1 week and I did not. I went out with someone else…free therapy…circulate dating…How can I get him back though? If he contacts me again to see him and wants to know how I am feeling? Can I tell him that I miss him? probably not right?!

  267.  #267Daria on October 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Tina – yes. tell him authentically how you are feeling

    I miss you, i feel angry, i feel happy to hear you call me, i feel a little surprised to hear from you, are all possibilities… depending on how you feel…

  268.  #268Tina on October 18, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you Daria…So we chatted today online and I wrote that it has been a long time we did not see eachother so he responded that he thought that this is the way I wanted it. Well it seems like he took this way based on my “no girlfriend speech”. Yes, I want full committment and had told him that I am not exclusive as I want to settle down get re-married etc.
    Anyway based on the chatting he asked me out and we made plans to see eachother soon. I really do want him…However I am afraid that I will fall then back in the “girlfriend no committment trap”…

    What are your thoughts?

  269.  #269Valencia on October 26, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Hi! I am the new for this site. I need some advise right now. Please, help me anyone who can.
    My story : I broke with my boyfriend 3 month ago. It was everything just amazing all 6 months we’ve been together. We moved together 4 months.Yes, I was sleeping with him. He told he is gonna marry me… and all of sudden he asked me why I didn’t ask him anyting about marriage? And I told him that I’ve thought he needs more time to know me better maybe… And he told he doesn’t see a future with me though 1 week before he sent me a message that I am the only sourse of happiness to him. It was shock to me. Just before he told me:”I’m gonna marry you”… As i undrstand now I was overgiving to him. Shorter, he moved. I’ve been so miserable! I couldn’t understand why? And why he didn’t tell me any one word that I do something wrong to him? I stoped doing everything I did for him same day he told me. And never did it again from that time. I left for my vacation to Europe for 21 day. He started to e-mail me over there asking how much fun I have and that he miss me… But at the same time he told me that :” I have strong feelings to you but I am not sure it is a love”. I didn’t call him, didn’t e-mail him, didn’t text him the first. Never. He asked me to call him, but I didn’t. And always he started to call me the first. And always he trried to find the reason to come to my house to see me, like, for example, he forgot something at my place and he would like to get it. Can i come? I said, yes, you can. He tried to seduce me to have a sex but I told him “I am done with casual sex”. Shorter, It passed 3 months already. He still come to me once a week or once a 2 weeks. We go to dinner somewhere or just drive anywhere. He still wants sex with me. But I stay on my rules – no sex any more. I gave hime speech “I don’t want to be a girlfriend anymore…” He told me that he can’t propose me anything for now. I don’t know what to do. He came to me this Sunday the 24th of October. He gave me massage of my foot, he kissed my toys. We kissed. And again he wanted sex, I said no. I felt that he still like me. I talk to him feeling messaging.It looks like he started to look at me different way already, like he moves toward me. I want him back! When he left my house he told me:”Call me. You never call me”. And I don’t know what to do NOW. It passed 3 months already. Do I have to call him? Or I still have to continue not to call? I want him back. And I am thinking that if I will stay on not calling him, he maybe will decide that it’s enough for him to call me first and initiate all this meetings…and I will never hear from him again…And one thing more: I see him all the time on the dating website “Plenty of fish” what makes me feel sooo bad and angry. What shall I do? I don’t know what to do now, after 3 months. Do I need to talk to him or tell him ultimatum, or???
    I will very appriciate any advice.

  270.  #270Rori Raye on October 27, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Valencia – This man is no good for you. He’s got plenty of time, and he’s not up for settling down — are you dating lots of men? Stay with what you’re doing with him, it seems to be working – but if you stay ‘hung up” on him, it’ll make it harder for a man who DOES want to marry you to find you. Love, Rori

  271.  #271Tina on October 27, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    So, after my break off almost 3 weeks ago, I started seeing my man again and it was fantastic. I loved every single moment. We went twice out already. Well now for 2 days he did not contact me. I am not sure what is going on again. Dies this mean he feels like he got me again and does not have to put any efforts into it? I feel in my feminine role that I do not need to initiate in terms of calling or planning. So I do not do anything. What do you think??? The other thing is that when we broke off I told him that I prefer phone calls over textmessgaing. since I started seeing him again he is ONLY texting… Do I mention it when I see him? I feel like I am the prize but he does not fully see me as the Prize yet. HELP

  272.  #272Tina on October 27, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    So, after my break off almost 3 weeks ago, I started seeing my man again and it was fantastic. I loved every single moment. We went twice out already. Well now for 2 days he did not contact me. I am not sure what is going on again. Does this mean he feels like he got me again and does not have to put any efforts into it? I feel in my feminine role that I do not need to initiate in terms of calling or planning. So I do not do anything. What do you think??? The other thing is that when we broke off I told him that I prefer phone calls over textmessgaing. since I started seeing him again he is ONLY texting… Do I mention it when I see him? I feel like I am the prize but he does not fully see me as the Prize yet. HELP

  273.  #273Valencia on October 28, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Rori! Thank you very much for your answer! You ask me if I am dating a lot of men? No. I tried to meet with 3 guys from dating site, but nobody call me back, nobody asked me for the 2-nd date. I am attractive, well-educated, confident woman. It was good conversation with all of them, we had fun… but… I don’t know, maybe i am sending them a message that I am not available right now. Truly, I don’t understand, how can I send the message like that. I can only say, I push myself to go to that meetings. I don’t want to go at all, because I compare them with my boyfriend and I don’t feel I
    like them. Or maybe something wrong with me. But you say I HAVE TO GO and I go. Maybe I need just a break while my heart will cooling down.
    Anyway, thank you very much for your help.

  274.  #274kitty on November 14, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    dear Rori Raye me and my bf lane brokeup about a month ago i really miss him alot i want him back in my life he moved on with another woman im still very broken hearted how do i fix this we still talk and even friends now but i still want the Relationship so how can i fix this help

  275.  #275Rori Raye on November 15, 2010 at 9:24 am

    kitty – a big hug to you – and what you need here is experience. This man is no longer available – and it happens that way sometimes when a man is NOT RIGHT for you…Can you learn to Circular Date and keep going toward your TRUE Happy Ever After? It will be with a different man – one who’s right for you and who will make you happy. Love, Rori

  276.  #276Tina on December 13, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Dear Rori,

    well dating him for 7 month with one 2 week break. I did some circulate dating however it stopped as there there were no other opportunities and I wished and wish that he would step up and fully committ…the happily after..He was invited to a families wedding a few weeks ago and did not take me…I did not say anything however I felt hurt. The last 2 Saturdays he did not make plans with me. Once he had plans with his guyfriend…and the other night he had his friend from out of town. I made plans myself and did not even mention anything…then the very next morning he would contact me and make plans for the whole Sundays.

    Yesterday he made plans with his family and me and my child. The 2nd time only that I met his family. It was lovely to see how cute he took care of my child. However in front of his family he acted kind of nervous and shy towards me. Just like “a friend” nothing romantic or open.

    I am getting worried that I am wasting my time …that it won;t go anywhere. He is almost 13 years older than me and never married before.

    Whenever we are together he is so passionate and amazing. he makes me feel that I am the biggest prize he got. As soon as we do not see each other he seems like he is not really missing me. He is fine just to see me about 2-3 a week. His birthday is coming up and I asked what he would like to do. he was not sure and responded that usually he prefers to be out of town. he did not hint that he wanted me to join.

    I feel sad about this and it makes me feel insecure and not as important to him.
    I decided to make travel plans myself in order to be busy…
    HELP…I like him a lot and feel that he likes me but not enough to be hooked on…

  277.  #277Valencia on December 23, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Hi, Rori! This is Valencia again. I need advice. Right now. Because i don’t know what to do. I have had an answer from you before (#270)/ Thank you. What’s going on right now is: 2 weeks ago I sent him e-mail, telling that I am truly saddened and hurt because I thought we would have a future together, that I am gonna move on with my life to find the one I am supposed to have a future with and that for my health and healing I think it best to not have any more contact. He erased his pictures from my facebook, from Skype…but he tried to reach me through the yahoo. chat and he text messaging me that he forgot something in my house,etc… I’ve ignored everything. But I still want him back!
    And today I’ve got e-mail from him (below):

    ” Hi Valencya,

    I know that you asked me not to talk to you anymore but I really wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I also want to tell you that I have thought about you a great deal. I’m sorry for the pain that I have caused you and I hope that this email does not make things worse. It’s important for me to tell you that I know I made mistakes with you. You have treated me better than anyone I have ever known. You have always shown me love and kindness. You were never rude or mean. I should not have treated you the way I did and I’m very sorry. I hope that you can forgive me someday.

    I’m not asking you for anything at this time. All I want to do is to make sure you know that you are a very special, wonderful woman. You deserve the very best. I wish you happiness and joy now and forever. Thank you for all you have done for me and those that are honored to know you.

    With great love,


    And i don’t know how to answer him! Do you think he is sincere and it’s the truth what he writes me? Because I still love him and want him back. But I don’t want he thought he can continue to take me for granted. I want his heart! Is it still possible?
    Can you advice me something? Please!
    With great appreciation and Merry Christmas!

  278.  #278nudne on December 23, 2010 at 1:38 pm

  279.  #279Melissa on March 5, 2011 at 5:23 am

    The only way I could post this is through a comment so I am sorry.
    Rori.. Here is my problem. I was dating a guy for a year during that time he always made time for me, always called me, always wanted to be with me, we had great communication, were friends, laughed and joked with each other all the time. He always talked about wanting to get married and having a future together. He started a class he needs for his paramedic liceanse and things started to change. He stopped calling, stopped wanting to spend time together or as much. He would tell me he is busy but would be on facebook all the time and talking with an ex that lives out of state. A week in a half before he broke up with me he stated that he wanted to move forward in our relationship and he wanted to provide for me physically, sexually, and emotionally… then i didnt hear from him in 2 days. I lost control of my emotions and we got into a big fight… at the end of the fight he said that he loved me and i said that i loved him to. The 2 days after that i heard from him then i called him on the 2nd night got no answer called him the next night got no answer. I went to his house the next day which was a friday and we got into another fight which he said that he had to let me go bc “the feeling” and the passion wasnt there anymore and that a friends advice to him was that sometimes you have to let something you love go… and that he has to be right in his life before anything else. It has been almost 4 months since he broke up with me and I have not heard from him at all. I have only contacted him 3 times in the almost 4 months 2 text messages and one phone call which he answered and we talked for an hour and he again said that nothing has changed and that he needed to be right in his life before anything else. Now I find out that he has been talking to this girl his friend is trying to hook him up with for about a month now. I have taken steps to find myself again… i have gone out with friends, i have not been on any dates bc my heart just isnt in it. I want our relationship back and im at a lose as to what happened and why all of a sudden he just broke up with me??? What should I do?

  280.  #280Annie on April 15, 2011 at 6:00 am

    If what you want NOW is marriage and family – then lose this one and get out there!!! The faster you move on, the faster you’ll get what you want.

    4. And, as you move on – over time – that’s also your best bet to get this man. BUT IT MAY TAKE TIME!

    5. The decision and the power here is YOURS.

    I completely get “If what you want NOW is marriage and family – then lose this one and get out there!!! The faster you move on, the faster you’ll get what you want.”

    And I completely get.
    “The decision and the power here is YOURS.”

    But feel totally confused by “And, as you move on – over time – that’s also your best bet to get this man. BUT IT MAY TAKE TIME!”

    Are you saying that by her leaving him and moving on rather than staying in the situation that she is in is her best option of getting this man to want to commit to her?
    Or is that not what you mean?
    I feel confused?

  281.  #281Emily on April 22, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I’m 22, and he’s 29. I’m international people and I plan to work and stay in Canada. We date for more than a month, then I felt inscured because my english. I told him to not meet me and find new girl. He’s upset and told me that we can work out, but he’s really silient. I was scare to lose him, so I apolozied a lot and let him know that I like him really much. And he pulled out more. I stop. Then he came back, but I still feel upset about what he did for me before. Our meetings were not really happy later. He also call me less which is one a week and we only met one in two week. (We met once a week before). Then I read your Morden Siren book. I tell him how I feel. I feel happy when he call, but also feel bad when we didn’t meet a lot. The relationship still didn’t imporve. He just called and sang for me in my birthday. He didn’t come to meet me. After that at April 1st, I joked him that I have to come back to Vietnam and don’t know when I can come back to Canada. He went to meet me. We have happy time and I gave him our Happy Moment note. When he came home I said Happy April Fool and good night. Then for more than a week I didn’t call again to say sorry. I actually didn’t know he that much upset. Then when I called he said he want to know another people because he doesn’t know when I could leave him. I said ok eventhough I feel sad. I told him that I sorry. Then I sent him letter to say sorry and I care about him. But he didn’t want to meet me. In the letter I said I understand how he feel like this. I’ll try my best to stay but nothing is certain. And how I care about him. However, overal if his decision is knowing another girl, I’ll respect it. Now he’s on his trip for vacation on 10 days. What should I do?
    P/S : Actually I feel really guilty when I can share his bad feeling when he has trouble at work. I actually don’t know because he doesn’t call. And I do like you said, so I didn’t call either.

  282.  #282Michelle on May 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    I came here looking for help, yesterday my live-in boyfriend said this relationship thing just “isn’t him” and so at the end of the year he will move out. Due to other circumstances he can’t move out right now and I wouldn’t kick him out so here we are.

    But I’m feeling the same old hurt. I want to talk him out of it. I want to corner him and make him tell me whether or not he’ll reconsider. Is there any chance he’ll change his mind and stay with me? I know if I force the conversation on him it will go bad. The most I’ve done is let him know that I won’t be telling my daughter that he’s moving out. She’s too young to understand the concept of time and it’s like 7 months away.

    Help me not force the talk on him, help me not say anything else about the relationship to him, how do I not when I’m nearly bursting from the need to talk about it.

  283.  #283Alex on June 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I was attracted to your blog regarding “The Rori Way: You don’t have to break up with him.” I read the story of the woman, V, who’s boyfriend decided to leave her, despite her strong feelings towards him. Well, I was wondering, if your site also addresses this topic for men who have someone considering “moving on” despite their great compatibilty with each other. Can some of these viewpoints be applied to a man’s perspective of someone considering leaving the relationship or can you recommend a blog or website that specifically addresses these similar topics for men?
    Thanks for your great insights here!

  284.  #284Nykole Denton on July 1, 2011 at 8:54 am

    i have a question. can you please email me back so i can ask it in private

  285.  #285Chris on July 5, 2011 at 10:21 am

    I am in almost the same situation, except, I’m separated. He says he is attracted to me, he cares about me, and that he love the person that I am, but he is not sure if he is in love with me. I hate that I am still head over heels for him. I really want this separation to reconcile us, but afraid. He is seeing someone else, but I am still trying to fight for him without him knowing it. He asked me on a date out of the blue and we had fun and he contacts me still, but I am not sure if I should let him do that or agree on another date if he asks me again?! I am doing “ME” right now too and I love it, but I love him too. I dont want to go through Divorce. I want him to fall in love with me again. What should I do? Should I let him contact me and if he wants to see me, should I? I am lost and need help Rori or anyone!!! Please!!!!!!

  286.  #286Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 10:42 am


    I feel your pain. I believe Rori would tell you to circular date. And let him initiate contact.

    I know…easier said than done.

  287.  #287ginni on July 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Why is my ex boyfriend wanting me in his life , calling me everyday and everynite, asking me over to spend the night , but nit touching me or acting like he wants to be with me? m very confused , I was letting him go and he pulling me back in? I don’t want to hurt him but I dont want him to hurt me again? i don’t want to ask about his feelings cause when we broke up 7 months ago he said he wants to be alone. But yet he calls me everynite when hes in bed wants me to go over every weekend too. Can ou help me I m happy hes coming around but very unhappy about the lack of intimancy I feel unwanted and undesirable? It just doesnt make sense!

  288.  #288TB on November 24, 2011 at 4:12 am

    hey i really need some advice here to get my head straight. I met a man we hit it off instantly, he said he hadn’t felt this way for ages. We were together for only four months but it seemed longer and we seemed to get in a relationship fast! During this time my father passed away which put a strain on things and obviously meant it went from carefree to serious (i mean in the way we behaved). We had a row one night when we were drunk and things changed from there as i apologised and said that I hadn’t mean to ask him to leave. He became selfish and seemed to not consider me and spoke to me in an awful way sometimes. I think the sad thing is i felt bad as i was so flat after loosing my Dad and also did lots for my bf – cooked, bought him little token girls, it was his birthday i spoilt him rotten. Things went from exciting to sitting watching TV and i was thinking well is this it. We had a bad weekend where he wanted to lie about nursing his hangover and i wanted to do something, he could probably feel me fuming, at the end of that weekend i thought – great another crap weekend. I say him later that week and it was distant then the next day he said he wanted to call it a day. He said he felt there was no longer a spark and that he couldn’t see it lasting long term. This was a shock as only a few days earlier when he’d been on a night out he was sending texts saying he really missed me and wished I was there. I know where i have gone wrong, i’ve done the running, leaned in and pushed him out. Can i get the spark back or have i lost him? He hasn’t contacted me for 2 weeks, he said he would as he needs to collect things, he is stubborn and the type of guy who will’ve made his mind up and that’s that. What can i do?? I want to make another go of it. Can anyone give me some direction or advice – i am becoming so obsessed with it all 🙁 x