The Terror Of Freedom

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Who would I be without that thought? Byron Katie asks (and I ask you to ask yourself).

Who would I be if I were free of that thought?

What does freedom feel like to me?

What if my happiness didn’t depend on anything a man did or didn’t do?

What if everything he did, thought, didn’t do, didn’t think, didn’t feel, didn’t know was only HIS business and none of mine?

I’ve always loved Byron Katie’s “The Work” – and always preferred my more “body/feeling” way to go.

And yet, this week, as I come up against my own holding onto some places where I’m too afraid of freedom to let go without that weird, sinking, aching feeling in the belly…I’ve found a very clean and simple way “through” in her “inquiries” – the 4 questions she asks you to ask yourself.

Here’s just a starting place for how it works for me, and I’d love to know how it works for you. (This is different from my “Riffing” work – it might feel a bit “mental” to you (which is why I don’t often use it myself) and it’s just another way to get your mind to loosen up…

1. I write down what’s bothering me.

It’s usually a circumstance I’d like to change (for you it might be: Have him call, have him pay me more attention, have him want me more, be more mature, commit to me…)

2. Now I start looking for where I’M not giving MYSELF those things.

Attention, romance, love, time, gentleness, kindness, compassion, affection….

Really – it’s amazing how, if you really ask yourself where you’re not giving love to YOU – you come up with a HUGE amount of information.

And then…you’ll start to feel.

This is where it gets dicey.

When faced with this amount of information – that I feel sad and angry because “I’m not getting what I want, and I feel (fill in the blank here) about that, and about the sadness and anger, too – you might find yourself going numb. Or getting more angry – or, if you really look for the feeling and get willing to FEEL it – fear. Total terror.

I call this the Terror of Freedom…because, once you see that it’s YOU not giving all this stuff you want to YOU – and you begin the shift from the thought that you need it from some man instead of giving it to yourself first – it creates a sort of “cut loose” feeling inside your belly.

You realize for a split second that it’s YOU making all this up, and then, you actually, for a moment feel FREE.

You feel the CHOICE right there. It’s like “Which thought do I go with?”

3. I make a choice: The old way or the unknown way.

And going with anger and expectation and wanting from a man or a situation (the old way) feels WAY better and safer and “right” somehow than that “free” feeling (the new way) feels.

That’s because it’s strange and new – and because, for that split second, you get the glimmer that there’s only YOU going on.

You really see how it all starts with you, and that nothing out there shifts until it happens inside you – and then–and here’s the REAL kicker: You have no way of knowing, guessing, gauging, figuring out, predicting or even imagining in ANY way HOW this is going to show up out there.

None.

4. And this is where the Rori Raye Mantra comes in and works for me – the last line: Be Surprised.

I sometimes state it like this: “I’m willing to be surprised.” Or “I’m willing to make myself available to surprise.”

To turn things around requires a turnaround inside you – and a total willingness to be surprised.

Not only to watch with surprise – but to be AVAILABLE to whatever’s happening that’s surprising.

No wonder it feels terrifying!!!

So –

5. I go with the old actor’s trick:

If you’re labeling a feeling “terror” – let’s re-label it (for the moment) “excitement.”

Let’s call it a step off into the unknown.

Let’s call it a step off the cliff without knowing if a bridge is going to magically appear beneath your feet, or if you’ll grow instant wings and fly, or if a cloud will float you to the next moment.

Let’s call it faith. Mystery. God. Whatever you want to call it that works for you.

Mostly – let’s call it:

6. I choose “My Best Option.

Let’s call it “My Best Option: Opting For Freedom – Whatever THAT looks like.”

This is where courage is the key ingredient in the recipe. Just a little. Not a whole lot. You can shake while you’re “opting for freedom.”

The terror/excitement can make your stomach feel like a fruit fly farm or a home for wild jumping beans – AND you can still step off the cliff of everything you know that’s led you to where you are and just see what happens next.

I’ve been doing this all week under circumstances that I would (old way) “call” “stressful.”

(In other words – I’m feeling triggered right and left by circumstances…)

It feels like a rollercoaster sometimes – and my only job is to make myself available at the top of the drop to whatever happens.

Allowing this to happen over and over, and catching myself in the “old ways” of judging, withholding from myself (even in the smallest, subtlest ways) just feels like huge leaps toward “free.”

Falling in love with yourself, with trees and sidewalks and everyone out there no matter how you feel triggered around them, and with everything that happens feels glorious, relaxing and peaceful.

And the process brings up every other feeling imaginable, too!

Going into the feeling, allowing it to be, honoring it, catching judgment and rigidity and holding on – pretty powerful stuff that makes me feel more peaceful and yet powerful every moment.

The big adventure is inside.

Love is an inside job.

Go there – and he will follow.

Love, Rori

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689 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:42 am

    The Terror of Freedom – interesting title.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:46 am

    I guess giving to myself is similar to the way I think about my health. If I can trust someone else with my health I can trust myself. It goes against conventional wisdom after growing up with everyone else giving these things why would anyone assume or think that one should give to oneself? Philosophical or intellectual question, I know which brings me to questioning myself, do I need to think to be able to feel?



  3.  #3Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Just reading the article is causing me to feel the terror, the shaking “the fruit fly farm in my stomach”. No wonder I have grown to hate rollercoasters. Guess it’s time to go try it again.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Challenging article. A lot to digest.



  5.  #5Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:59 am

    I feel the “cut loose feeling” inside my belly. It feels like shaking. I feel myself holding my breath. I feel like I am going to fall off the cliff into nowhere. I feel scared of life of being out of control. I feel myself reaching out with my will and my psychic energy, my hands to catch onto something. To take control. I feel like a ball of fire going to explode. I feel love/hate feelings, mixed feelings about the ball of fire.



  6.  #6Emoticon on August 8, 2011 at 8:12 am

    I love this post. I have so many other feelings about it but i need to explore them further b4 i can say !



  7.  #7Brenda on August 8, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Rori,

    Thank you for another exciting article! I especially like this part:

    “The big adventure is inside.

    Love is an inside job.

    Go there – and he will follow.”

    Last night, Ryan followed inside to love, thru the use of feeling messages, and i feel soooo happy!!!!!!

    Love, Brenda



  8.  #8Emoticon on August 8, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Yes Feminine Woman… a LOT to digest!!



  9.  #9Emoticon on August 8, 2011 at 8:17 am

    If you’re labeling a feeling “terror” – let’s re-label it (for the moment) “excitement.”

    Just reading this feels exciting!! I’m excited about experiencing life and love differently



  10.  #10Camille on August 8, 2011 at 8:26 am

    This article was so synchronistic for me this morning. I have been feeling sad…….terrified about what is or is not happening in my life. I’ve been afraid that I am not following my path because Im not feeling joyous, or excited. I feel like a conformist and it makes me feel, trapped, controlled yet im afraid if I do what I want to do the people I love most will feel my abscence and I am terrified that T will start asking “why” and telling me there will be consequences……And it all scares me and I didnt realize the terror I have of freedom.



  11.  #11Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Great article! I really needed this one. 🙂



  12.  #12Camille on August 8, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Last night I used feeling messages and even allowed myself to show authentic emotion………..he didnt answer me and rolled over and fell asleep. How do you deal with feeling like they dont care about how you feel? In the past I have shut down and not told him how I feel. To me its like casting pearls amongst the swine………you know? How would you “Sirens” handle that?



  13.  #13Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 8:33 am

    RE 12 Did you check first to see if it was a good time to talk?



  14.  #14Camille on August 8, 2011 at 8:37 am

    FW: I actually did……..maybe he was just really tired, but it really made me feel like he didnt give a sh*t and I felt so vulnerable. I didnt feel I opened up and he slammed me, just like he didnt really care?



  15.  #15Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Camille,

    That’s happened to me before and it feels terrible. I’ve also had him start checking emails or chatting with someone on the computer after I shared a FM. It’s hard to not feel acknowledged, but the goal is simply to share… regardless of the outcome.

    FW’s suggestion is a good one though. Maybe just ask if it’s a good time first.



  16.  #16Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Camille,

    I also found I felt a lot better ending with:
    “…and now I’m going to go and do ______ to calm down/cheer myself up/fill in the blank.”

    This seemed to take the responsibility off him to DO anything about my feeling. Sometimes when I returned, I found him more receptive, kinder, sometimes apologetic. But even if nothing changed, at least I felt better doing something for myself.



  17.  #17Camille on August 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Thanks FW and Mel,
    Thats what I must remember…….simply share……..I find in my past I quit sharing once I feel like he doesnt care. I’ll just keep sharing, sharing, sharing. Im trying not to get frustrated with him. But I am frustrated, hurt, sick of trying lately. Sick of sharing my deepest feelings with people who dont give a sh*t and here comes the old feelings again………Ill just take care of everything myself! And they will never know how I feel. And Ill never give them the satisfaction that they have hurt my feelings (ooh this is good some old stuff really welling up) and now the justification…..Im just so independent, I like my independence and I like no one knowing how I feel now they cant use it as a weapon to hurt me.



  18.  #18Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:46 am

    And Camille, thanks for reminding me to do this… These days things are quite difficult for me and it’s easy to just get angry at him when I don’t feel acknowledged. I need to go back to doing this!



  19.  #19Camille on August 8, 2011 at 8:53 am

    If someone opened up to me like that there is no way I could just ignore it…….or be that cold hearted.

    I am feeling so much anger and resentment this morning………..its actually surprising me.

    He doesnt even know Im angry

    but he did nothing to make me angry

    why would I get angry at someone being so tired they fell asleep quickly………he probably told me we could talk because he wanted to but didnt think he would fall asleep and who cares anyway………..He cant fix my sadness hes not even supposed to……..He cant fix how I feel about our relationship………so why do I need him to listen to me anyway……….one person can do something about it and its me……….and I really opened up and was aware how I was feeling
    so I need to do something about it…………He needs to do nothing……….I need to do something………I need to change it so I feel happy and heard. I heard myself………I heard the feelings……….I dont need him to hear them theres nothing he can do about it anyway………….Im glad he went to sleep……….if I had kept him up when he was that tired he would have been cranky today and probably wouldnt have been fun to talk to anyway………………..ok im over it
    I feel better…………Ill take care of it myself for myself because I love myself, I listened and I care.



  20.  #20Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Camille it would be good if you could identify your unmet needs, at least for yourself.



  21.  #21Daria on August 8, 2011 at 9:13 am

    okay so now im crying and i dont even know wht is going on

    and i love my crying

    and i feel like puking

    and i love my feeling like puking

    and i feel a sigh of relief

    and i love my sigh of relief

    and i feel shhiuuhhuhhs of relief and i love my huuhuhuhsss

    and now it would feel good to blow my nose



  22.  #22Mochaberri on August 8, 2011 at 9:23 am

    I have begun to lean back and have not mentioned/reminded him of our weekly dates and I am trying to lean back even more and not call as much. This past weekend I did not hear from him since Friday night. He told me then that he was still having issues with his cell phone. I relapsed and called Saturday and Sunday but it went straight to voicemail then I called the home phone and there was no answer. My dilemma now is what is the appropiate response when he dose call and asks why hasn’t he spoken to me. Other than telling the truth without sounding accusatory when I respond.



  23.  #23Daria on August 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

    wooh

    i just did some Byron Katie too on “i like him more than he likes me” and when i turned it around boy it loosened up the obesession yay



  24.  #24Daria on August 8, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Mochaberry – first off… you must circular DATE!! the will solve 90% of the issue around this

    then regarding a date where this is happening

    he calls: hello

    YOu : hi 🙂

    him: where have you been?

    you: oh whoa… that feels weird.. whatsup?

    him: i havent heard from you

    you: oh wow… well it does feel great to hear your voice… i was actually feeling kinda lonely not hearing from you

    him: well how come you havent called then?

    you: oh… well… this feels weird to say… but im noticing i feel better when a man calls me… i kinda feel bad and offbalance to call a guy…

    him: what? what are you talking about… i do call you… and you can call me too

    you: ohh… yeah im feeling kinda put on the spot… i just dont feel good calling a guy… i feel like im chasing him and i feel all off balance… it feels awesome to hear from you though

    him: um okay… whatever… so what are yu up to?

    *ok i don’t know your guy, but this is a scenario i imagined with a pretty accusatory agressive guy*

    might even tell him whoa i feel kinda defensive in there



  25.  #25Mel on August 8, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Hee hee… my photographer friend wants to do a “sexy beekeeper” shoot.

    Sundress, heels.. super cute!



  26.  #26Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 9:50 am

    RE 25 Like. It speaks to your passion.



  27.  #27Mochaberri on August 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

    @ Daria – thanks for the nice dialogue and your him part really sounds like him; but just a correction. I don’t want to be the one coming off sounding accusatory of him not reaching out. I just feel that once he asks the question it will trigger my defense and that’s one of the things I’m working on is to not get sucked into his ability to trigger me making me defensive over stupid small things. This phone issue has been going on since last week and I told him that I know you have other ways to calls i.e. a home phone.



  28.  #28Mochaberri on August 8, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Also Daria – I more than likely will change a few things with the exchange. I will let him know that I did call and what happened. I use FM’s with him alot and he’s very receptive to them when I’m not raging. We are in a rebuilding trust stage becasue of some things I fell short of but I’m no longer feeling guilty about them so this shift I’m going through is weird but exciting.



  29.  #29Plum on August 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

    25: Mel

    ohhh this is going to be beautiful! Fantastic idea!

    Have you been to that man’s shop again? You know, the one who wanted to build your bees houses? I bet he would love to know you are moving out 😉

    xxx



  30.  #30faith on August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Hello everyone!!

    I asked for some advice couple weeks ago and it was wonderful advice but I still feel very down.
    It has now been 3 MONTHS since my boyfriend and I (of 2 years) broke up and I haven’t heard ANYTHING from him!! (I havent called him either b/c it was basically him who wanted to end it).
    So.. my mind is focused on when/if he is going to calling me!! I think about this EVERY single day.. over and over again in my head.. thinking/analyzing/dwelling on WHY he hasen’t called me after so long!!
    I read this article and it was great.. i know i need to have faith and just let nature take its course…. but its so hard for me b/c I thought we had something real!! why had he just forgotten about our relationship and moved on??!!
    I am waiting on his call and it hurts that he hasent called!! I am still asking the question if he is ever going to call?? 🙁

    Ughh..



  31.  #31Mel on August 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Hey Plum,

    I’m sure he would!

    Nope, I haven’t been back. Last time I was in, he offered to take me on a ride in his boat. Things were different back then, so it was a little awkward.

    He’s super nice, but I’m not really attracted to him. Would that be leading him on? I feel uncomfortable when I know someone likes me, but I’m not feeling it. Maybe this is what I need to practice though! 😉



  32.  #32FlowerChild77 on August 8, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Tinque, I’m laughing because I checked out the video link you gave me in the last thread—and this is the same man I heard on the radio. Even when he is ‘in church’ and talking to his congregation he’s quite funny. It really made me smile to see it was him in the video! 🙂 Thank you!



  33.  #33Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Faith have you given any thought to what happens if he never calls? Or lets say you call and he treats you he doesn’t know you? Then what? Have you started cdating?



  34.  #34Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Turquoise3 been thinking of you for the last couple days. Hope all is going well.



  35.  #35Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 10:57 am

    RE 31 Mel I am not sure you can honestly expect to be really attracted to anyone. You will need to give it a chance to grow; whether now or later. I believe you are still hormonally hooked, which would be normal.



  36.  #36Camille on August 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Mel
    Its Rori’s advice to go ahead and date all of them even the ones your not attracted to for “practice”
    just find something (one little thing to like about him and focus on while your on the date)



  37.  #37faith on August 8, 2011 at 11:04 am

    RE:33 Femininewoman:

    Yes i have thought of him never calling me again and I just get so scared!! its like someone just punched me in my stomach and i just get a freaked out!!(I know this is so crazy) but i have so much anxiety and pain………. its driving me crazy!!
    I CANT BELIEVE HE WOULD NEVER CALL ME……after our 2year relationship and after i was there for him in soooooooooo many ways!! I mean we were so close.. i moved into his apartment, met his friends, met his mom!!
    I have dated and this is crazy but all i do is cry as soon as i get in my car!! I dont know if i am depressed or something but i am not getting better!!
    Inside.. i know i still have this ‘hope’ that we will still be together.. that he will call me and want to be with me……. 🙁 i feel so pathetic………………



  38.  #38Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

    RE 37 faith if you think it will help you to calm down then go ahead and call. Though I would imagine that at this point he must be starting to miss you and you might shortcircuit his emotional process.



  39.  #39faith on August 8, 2011 at 11:24 am

    RE:38 Femininewoman:

    I have thought about calling but that goes away right away b/c i dont feel like i should call him (i dont know if i am going to get to a point where i cant take it an longer and one day pick up the phone and call) but at this time I dont want to call him b/c I want HIM to call ME!!
    So you dont think there is a possibility that he will call me (even after its been 3months) ??!!
    Even if he is talking to another girl??
    But honestly do you believe (my best option) would be for me NOT to call??



  40.  #40Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

    I have been where you are and have called only to feel like I was bothering him. The call might bring him back but for a short while. You see when he wants to and calls two things happen. You feel a lot better and he calls because he wants to. That almost guarantees that he will stay because he wants to. Also you automatically lower your status in his eyes when you call. It is like chasing him. I have had guys call me looking to come back after years of breakup.

    Additionally the desperate psychic energy that you have going on now might be pushing him away because he could possibly feel it as if you are grabbing onto him. Please read Rori’s Category about Love Life, it is to the bottom right of the blog. It will help you get an understanding about the energy exchange. I believe you need to get a hold of yourself before even thinking about calling him. The energy in your words is screaming urgency and desperation.



  41.  #41tinque on August 8, 2011 at 11:46 am

    faith – You really, really need to figure out ways to get this man out of your head. You need to move on. He will call, or he won’t, but pining, wishing, hoping not only makes you feel horrible, it also delays your healing, and believe it or not, he can feel this anxiety somewhere within him.

    You really need to take care of you, doing whatever it is that turns you on, and this includes turning yourself on sexually. This includes pampering yourself, treating yourself like the precious gift which you are. This includes doing things you love to do. This includes filling your life with people you enjoy.

    You can date or not, but DO flirt, CD yourself, CD your girlfriends.

    Healing takes time.

    xxoo



  42.  #42faith on August 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

    RE: 40 Femininewoman:

    Yes I know.. everyone tells me this.. that I have so much urgency and anxiety going on. You know that I am also going to a psychologyist (weekly) and after our appointments i may calm down a little but then it starts back up later. Sometimes I just dont know what is wrong with me and I think of negative things.
    I know you are right if i call him.. it will NOT make me feel any better. This is why I have not done this and also b/c he ended it with me. I feel very strong in that he should call me!! b/c like everyone tells me if a man wants to be with you he will SHOW you!! (friends have told me that he knows exactly how to contact you -like where i live, where i work, email, call – and he is choosing NOT to).

    Thank you SO MUCH for your advice!! sometimes i feel like i am the only one who has ever felt this way (i dont know why i think that way) but you telling me you have gone through this really makes me want to take your advice even more!!
    Thank you for taking the time to listen…. I will definitely read Love Life category!!



  43.  #43faith on August 8, 2011 at 11:57 am

    RE: 41 tinque:

    I am so trying to get this man out of my head.. I want to feel better.. and focus on myself and love myself. I feel so low these days its ridiculous… and i just havent figured out a way of getting the thought “is he going to call me” out of my head!!
    I am not going to read what (Femininewoman) suggested for me to read.. and move from there. Im trying everything.
    And the whole dating thing i tried and they only thing it did for me is make me miss him even more.. I literally cried after leaving the date.
    I appreciate your advice truly and I will continue to take your advice along with everyone elses and try to get over this person.

    thank you so much!!



  44.  #44Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    The thought that “something is wrong with you” is I believe a Nasty Voice that you should not believe. It is a program I caught myself running recently also. I tell myself nothing is wrong with me when the thought comes up. As a matter of fact it is at a point now where I think it is funny because I know I am normal.



  45.  #45faith on August 8, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    RE:44 Femininewoman:

    Yeah i catch myself saying this to myself at times b/c everyone tells me I should be over it by now!! Friends/family tells me it has be 3 months and you still feel the same as you did the first week after the break up.
    Again.. i just thought this man was the one for me.. I had no thoughts that I would ever be with someone else. And i simply miss him so much.. but again i cant i was so wrong and this happened to us.

    🙁



  46.  #46Daria on August 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    omg! well… a wonderful siren pointed out to me a “job” that i can do online (which i love to spend time doing) doing some stuff that might actually feel easy…

    and i actually applied.

    i even edited my resume

    there was no boring questions in the application – whcih helped –

    but i actually really felt captivated by the process of editing my resume

    i did get my Eyeore feelings of doom and stuff… but then just loved them – with her help –

    and now ive basicually finished the application process and may even have a ‘travel along’ way to make those electronic numbers shuffle and stuff

    which means i may be able to shuffle over to NY and then even Brazil baby!

    and get a life/business coach and have my coaching practice go WOOO?HA?YYYA?

    as i have fun all over the world!!

    this is awesome

    ive been waiting mucho long time for alignment with this

    i wonder if i attracted this and it felt so compelling and straightforward because i had my innerchild date today?

    Thanks Orna Walters for teh inner child date ideas

    i def feel very powerful right now

    i also in front of my mom and her friend told her friend about my coaching practice and she was very interested and supportive

    while my mom was tryna down it but then her friend’s tone and note was evident and so *in your face mom* but in a good way as in yay success for daria and other people think i rock at least no denying that

    go mee go meee



  47.  #47Sunshine on August 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Sirens, I have an interesting problem. I have two wonderful men wanting to be exclusive with me. I have been CD’ing and have 4 men that I have been dating. These two just last week both asked if we can be exclusive and they are both very serious about having a relationship with me. I know Rori says don’t be exclusive without a promise of marriage. I’m finding it really hard to folllow through with this. I’ve been dating these men for two months.

    I don’t want to feel like I am leading either Finn or Red on but right now I do feel that way. Even though they know I have been seeing other men. Even more complicating is that I have slept with Finn…and he is the one I feel closer to – perhaps because of that.

    What can I do to be authentic to myself and yet be respectiful of them? I am very confused.

    Any advice on what to do?



  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on August 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Hello world, I am thankful for YouTube.

    😀

    xoxo



  49.  #49Mel on August 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Hey Faith…

    I wonder if perhaps you need to forgive yourself?

    I’m going through something similar… I felt like I was holding on at first because I just really love him, but as time wore on I almost wonder if it was because it was hard for me to accept that I had made the wrong choice. I was angry at myself for “wasting” all those years. So if I could just make him come back, I could make myself feel better.

    Many here have helped me realize that at the time it was the right choice, even if it no longer is. There is no wasted time, and I really do believe everything happens for a reason. Even if right now, i don’t know what that reason is. I’m at the top of Rori’s roller coaster and just have to be open to anything that surprises me.

    You are not alone. 🙂



  50.  #50Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Hello sirens (: I loved this post it made me realize that I can make myself happy even if a man is bringing me down. Soo the other day I was at a wedding with my grandmother and “pickup guy” was there. I didn’t talk to him or anything but as soon as I was leaving I look at my phone and there is a text from him saying come see me. I went and gave him a hug and told him that I was leaving, he wanted me to stay and I told him I would only stay if he found me a ride, he said he would give me a ride, and I said okay I would stay. Well we were both drinking and he got pretty drunk, he wasn’t really paying that much attention to me, and then he went out on the dancefloor and started dancing with a whole bunch of other girls, it made me feel so upset! I felt like crying, no I felt like leaving. But instead of acting out of anger, I went and danced with some other guys. I wasn’t trying to make him jealous or anything, I just didn’t want to sit there and feel all mopey and sad because of him. At first he didn’t really seem to react to it but then he came up to me and started dancing with me, well for a few minutes, and then he went and started dancing with some other women again. It was off and on with him all night, some things he would do would make me feel like he wanted me around, and then other things that he did made me feel like he didn’t want me around. Some things he said to me made me feel so upset! Like all of his guy friends kept hitting on me and he kept saying things like yeah, go ahead hit on her I don’t care. This made me feel like he didn’t care, but at the same time it made me feel like he did care and was only saying that because he was trying to make me feel like he doesn’t care. He also kept bringing one of his friends up to me and saying yeah you guys should get to know eachother. This made me feel soo sad and mad and ughh I just wanted to yell at him, but I didn’t. The thing that made me feel the most upset though, was when him me and some of his friends were all sitting in a circle, and in front of all of them he looked at me and said. “I’ll sleep in the same bed as you tonight if you put out.” He knew this made me mad because I looked at him and I told him not to say stuff like that to me. He started apologizing to me and saying that he wouldn’t do it anymore. This made me feel so hurt, I don’t know if he was just trying to show off to his friends or if that is really all he wants, or if he was acting that way all night because of the alcohol but it made me feel soo hopeless, I really didn’t know how I should have acted at the moment. Then after that he decided he was too drunk to drive so one of his friends had to drive him home and he just left me there! He didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just left. He hasn’t tried getting ahold of me since or anything and I haven’t tried getting ahold of him either. But if and when he does contact me I’m going to tell him how all of that made me feel. I honestly don’t know what to think right now. And I was leaning wayy back that night to see how far he would go for me, and when he did show me love I was open to it and didn’t push him away or anything, but what the way he was acting that night was unacceptable. Well at least I think it was, what do you think Sirens?



  51.  #51tinque on August 8, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    faith – This stuff takes time. The pain and the longing is not going to go away overnight.

    You already know what to do, and it can be difficult doing anything when you feel bad, but baby steps is all you need, bit by bit, and slowly but surely you will start to feel better.

    xxoo



  52.  #52faith on August 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    RE: 49 Mel:

    I am not sure what it is.. why i cant get over this person and why i still have so much anxiety and fear that i lost him.
    I also do believe that everything happens for a reason!! but then my emotions get the best of me and take over. Where i keep thinking about him and if he is going to call….
    I am definitely trying to take all this advice in though.. i want to feel better and get my life back!!

    Thank you much!!



  53.  #53Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Kayla it sounds to me like he pulled you off our bridge.



  54.  #54Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    53: FW
    I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Lol



  55.  #55Mel on August 8, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Faith,

    Right now I’m trying to operate under the premise of :

    “If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.”

    But the tricky part is TRULY setting him free. Not obsessing about what he’s doing or whether he’ll change his mind. I know very well this is hard. But that’s where Rori’s tools come in! 🙂



  56.  #56Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    RE 47 Sunshine to me what you wrote is not clear on exactly how you feel and what you want.



  57.  #57Mel on August 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    If you can find them, Faith, I found Rori’s posts on “keeping men on the back of your horse” very helpful.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    What are your boundaries around this guy?

    You were leaving and he text you and you abandoned yourself and your plans to respond to his text was my impression. It also seems he did not treat you with respect most of the night and you still stayed.



  59.  #59Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    You are so right. I never really thought of it like that. I should have left at the first sign of him not treating me right, but I didn’t. I stayed. . . I feel sick, I feel so mistreated, and I feel like I didn’t love myself enough to treat myself the way I should have been treated that night.



  60.  #60Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm


  61.  #61Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Kayla I believe the important thing is awareness. The lesson that you take from the experience and what you have learnt about yourself. It could have been worse.



  62.  #62Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm


  63.  #63Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    You’re right. I should have been more aware of what was happening, if it didn’t feel good to be there at the moment (which it didn’t) I should have walked away from the situation. I forgive myself for this. Everytime I come on here and blog, I end up feeling more confident (:

    Thank you soo much FW and all you other sirens. You all are such a big help.



  64.  #64Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    I have to go get ready, I may go fishing with one of the men I am CDing. He is sooo cute (:



  65.  #65Daria on August 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Mochaberry – i dont want to be harsh, but what i have to say IS harsh so don’t read if you don’t want to.

    I get the impression that you are in doormat mode here, just trying to please him (and then sometimes “lashing out and losing it with him”)

    the pleasing him and worrying what he will think will not attract a man or give you a good relationship

    there was nothing in the imaginary exchange that was the least bit accusatory – i didnt even mention him not calling YOU – in fact it was really really mild and giving him HUGE benefits of the doubt by not even bringing it up

    that doesnt mean use my words – by all means use your own –

    just know that i have warned you – from what i’ve seen and heard, and what i’ve learned from Rori

    unless you start really focusing on YOU and pleasing you, and saying NO with confidence (and respect) to what you dont want – this relationship will likely slip away and get worse not better

    im sure you will see for yourself !

    I feel not so good – like i sound like a terrible hexing witch – but it feels important to me to be honest and straightforward



  66.  #66Senior Lady Vibe on August 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    @52: faith

    As tinque says, these things take time. I say the threads of bonding take time to unravel and you will have up and down zig zag days, weeks even months as you recover. You might find the ideas below to be helpful:

    1) Rosa’s tool and Rori’s great post about it:
    A Great Tool From Rosa – The Stop Sign
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/a-great-tool-from-rosa-the-stop-sign/

    2) I find “calendaring” helpful for many things (and fun too) You might put a little sticker in a calendar a year from now and write something such as: “a year ago today I was pining over you know who but I love myself so much, here’s what I’ve been doing lately…” Or just put the sticker… and a question mark…

    Or make it every couple of months, to record the things you are doing for yourself and how you feel. Your life might be so different three, four, six months from now that you will laugh when you turn the page one morning and see the sticker.

    Whatever you do, turn yourself to doing things that make you happy. Date other men.

    😀

    xoxo



  67.  #67Camille on August 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Daria,
    You dont sound like a hixing witch….you sound like an intelligent and practing SIREN



  68.  #68Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Yeah practicing Coach. It felt refreshing to read.



  69.  #69Daria on August 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Kayla – omg that sounds SOOO much like one of my friends, D

    hahahaha

    taht is EXACTLY how he acts with girls, EXACTLY

    well he is great and i love him mucho but he can be a total immature jerk with girls

    then he has trouble when he really likes a girl that has boundaries because he doesn’t know exactly how to act

    well the it sounds like, he feels attracted to you but your boundaries are low and *HE IS LIKELY IMMATURE*

    so if your boundaries were high you would likely not be dealing with him

    but since you ARE

    the first *uhoh* came when you said he texted you AND YOU WENT OVER TO HIM

    instead you could have let him come over to YOU if he really wanted to… and if he didn’t make it, go on your way

    then say you Did stay, and he started with the dancing with other girls, well you could have left then, saying wow i feel icky and angry and i dont want to stay

    or left when he said any number of the things that sounded like he didn’t care about you

    the alcohol im sure DID have a lot to do it with it, but basically he’s not going to respect you (or be strongly attracted to you) until you clearly will not put up with bad behavior from him



  70.  #70faith on August 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    RE: Mel & Femininewoman:

    Thank you so much!!

    Mel- that phrase is so true.. i need to let go completely and have faith that if he is for me then he will come back.
    Femininewoman – i am going to read everything you have suggested!!

    Thanks again.. I so needed this..



  71.  #71Daria on August 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    wow thanks ladies



  72.  #72Daria on August 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Kayla – i dont’ mean to discourage you… i think you did great! when you danced with the other men and didn’t focus on him

    I have actually been in a simlar situation with a guy i liked very much, who i call Guywho, who is this guy’s best friend

    he was not as *immature* but at times could be and i doormated my way through it and FELT FREAKIN AWFUL!!!

    i really know how you feel and how difficult it is to know what to do – and especially to get up and LEAVE – in the moment

    it just seems like it’s going to be so dramatic and cold and seem like you’re totally overblowing it – but it’s not like that at all

    it just shows boundaries, when there’s no blaming of him, just i feel icky and angry and i dont want to be here anymore

    and then sometimes we actually think we are STUCK there – but then we’re really not, we can call Someone, even if its inconvenient – after all you had to ask someone for a ride at the end anyway

    i just really relate to you in this story…

    you are doing great with babysteps



  73.  #73faith on August 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    RE: 66 Senior Lady Vibe:

    I have or feel like i have definitely tried to focus on myself and even went out on a couple of dates but nothing has done the trick for me as of yet….
    From reading everyones advice on here (which i really appreciate) I see that all this takes time.. and it just may take longer for me than it takes for other people.. (its been 3months) and i pretty much feel the same as i did the first week of our break up….
    But what i will do today is ready all the suggested links and really try to calm myself down.. and understand that there is absolutely NOTHING i can do about my ex and what he feels or does…….

    THanks!!



  74.  #74Daria on August 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    faith – by the way it’s actually normal and HEALING that you will go in the car and CRY strongly after a date

    that definitely happened to me! the feelings are purging out!

    so when that happens acknowledge yourself getnly and let yourself cry as strongly and as passionately as you can

    then make sure to drink water immediately after – taht is important – so taht your body and heart can heal and refresh

    babysteps to keep dating – and keep crying – it is the fastest way to heal

    love to you

    Daria



  75.  #75Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Thank you so much Daria. I do not feel discouraged by you at all, I feel welcomed by you. And you are right, I had no idea at the moment that going over to him wasn’t the smart thing to do, and I had no idea that I should have left. Now I do (: thank you soo much for all of your advice.



  76.  #76Camille on August 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Faith,
    I just want to share something with you………

    I have been in your shoes, When my husband left because of (kids issues) and asked for a divorce I was devastated, you are doing great but you could be better…….I never dated anyone for a year and a half……….I cried everyday at some point for six months………..I thought I was losing my mind (im usually a very strong person) My friends and family thought something was very wrong and got really tired of seing me sad………..One day the sky opened and I got out of my funk and realized that that wasnt who I was or who I wanted to be………Got my sh*t in a bag and got on with the things I wanted to be and do……………….and guess what about 4 months after my vibe shifted………he called and then came back…………its definitely the vibe……..get it changed and your life will change…………I wasted many months feeling sad and keeping my world that way.



  77.  #77Camille on August 8, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Now that he is back I dont want to make the same mistakes again………I want to be a “SIREN” and not just to keep a man, but to keep “myself”……..what is really funny is that when he came back I was having so much fun and had my life so in order it was then me questioning if I wanted a relationhsip with him again………..he was begging………..instead of me………….It felt so good!



  78.  #78Tmizz on August 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Hello, hello. I have been away for oh-so-long. Hello!

    And I am back, because I was feeling the need to have some non-judgmental support in a way that my friends and family just can’t offer me right now.

    As usual, this is an awesome post. Even just writing down those things that are bothering me helped to relieve some of the pressure. I could really see the theme throughout my feelings.

    But of COURSE I know it’s about stuff I’m not giving to myself. And I know it’s about loving myself and all, but I have been loving myself up like CRAZY lately – and it is helping. It is definitely making a difference. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that I stop wanting to call or contact someone, and it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me worried when I don’t hear from him. And I know it’s bad. I know that I’m just feeling “connected.” I know that it’s none of my business.

    But maybe I am just in that scary place. The free-fall. the not-having-any-clue what happens next.

    I am working on opening myself up. Surrender. Being open to surprise – without having any idea of what that “surprise” might be, because then I am just trying to control the outcome, right?

    I had the gift of being able to spend time with someone who observed many of these tendencies in me. I laughed and I felt “seen” for having been observed in this way. We also practiced with me giving up control to him. It was very difficult. But it was also very satisfying. Afterward, there was no contact from him for three days. I of course wanted to write to him right away, but I resisted. After 3 days, though, I sent him a message. It was a message of appreciation. Telling him how good everything made me feel, and how grateful I was. I don’t know what kind of response I was looking for, if any. I don’t suppose I even know what kind of effect it would have on him. But I sent it. And then I chatted with him online about something else – at my initiation. He talked about things he wanted to do with me, but I made no effort toward plans. He responded with a lot of smiley faces. But I haven’t heard from him since.

    I know, it means nothing. Who is he? He is just a guy. Our relationship is not exclusive – this has been established. He is even very clearly not my life partner. But I am enjoying spending time with him right now. I like the attention he gives me when he’s giving it. It makes me feel sexy, sensual and feminine. I want more of that. I want more of the opportunity to practice this side of myself.

    But I can’t control it. I can’t decide or tell him when or how that will happen. If he’s going to contact me, he’s going to. I know that. I already know he finds me attractive. no question about that. So what am I worried about? Oh yeah, I just forgot 🙂

    This post, as well as the discussion reminds me of a quote from Rori, in an LRR article I read recently. She was writing about giving the guy space and LIKING it. Actually enjoying giving him that space to come around and do this thing.

    I like that. I even think i’ve done it before.

    So I think I am going to try to practice that right now…



  79.  #79faith on August 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    RE: 76 Camille:

    OMGOSHHHH…. Camille.. thank you soooo much for sharing this with me!!!! The way you explained/described how you were feeling is EXACTLY what i have been going through.. and like you, my family and friends don’t even know what else to do or say to me..
    I have a question or two…. did you take him back?? and after being separated for so long from your husband he was probably involved with other women.. right?? The reason for this question is how did you deal with that?? that your husband or in my case my boyfriend had pretty much taken a break and had been with other women……. (i dont know if its weird that i think about this but i do)



  80.  #80Camille on August 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Faith,
    I did take him back…….after months of him treating me like a queen…….the funny thing was I was being stubborn and wanting him to crawl because he had hurt me so much……….but now I have learned Roris way it was me leaning back, knowing I was fine with or without him. And seriously choosing the relationship……….I had my power back.

    To answer your question yes he had been with other women (sexual encounters he didnt “date” anyone more than 1 or two times) and I had dated 4 men in the few months before he came back……….because when I finally let myself date and have a good time they were crawling out of the wood work………I dated no one exclusively and when he first came back I just added him to the rotation and was very open and honest about dating other men. I even made him asked several times to be “committed” and I wasnt playing I kept dating all of them even the ones I knew for sure were not life partners. It was so much fun fun fun. You need to do it……….One guy that I dated I didnt like anything about him except he made me laugh laugh laugh
    so I kept dating him……….laughter is so healing



  81.  #81Camille on August 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I wish I had been aware of Rori’s stuff back then though………..I wasted a year and a half feeling bad……..when I could have hopped back on my horse and laughed with so many more people! So my darling Faith GET ON YOUR HORSE! AND LAUGH AND RIDE AND SING AND LET OTHERS LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE LOVE LOVE YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND ENJOY THE FREEDOM NOW THAT HE IS GONE! THERE ARE GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM BEING GONE! TRUST ME!



  82.  #82faith on August 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    RE:80 Camille:

    Camille.. YOU ARE SO AWESOME!! i want to be you and have the strength to let go already and let nature take its course…. Your story was great!! and I know it may not happen in the same way for me (where my ex comes back) but deep down I know I am a good woman.. and was GOOD to HIM!! i was extremely good to him where sometimes i cant even believe myself and the things i did for this person. I am 25 years old and I dont see or know any 25 year old woman doing so much for their partner (financially, emotionally, and simply being there for him).
    Sometimes I just stop and think that he HAS to realize it ONE DAY!! That i was there for him in every way possible.. and that NO ONE is perfect b/c I did have my insecurities/trust issues but of course he had his flaws as well. AND i never gave up on him!!
    I am sooooooooo happy for you and i truly know how you feel!!!! and it makes me so glad and gives me hope that you feel better and now you have your power back!! that must feel absolutely wonderfulllllll..

    Thank you Camille..



  83.  #83Camille on August 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Faith……….I just want to mention……..I also had to explain and show him when he came back and with all the new men I was dating that……….I was different. I was very “over doing” and took way to much masculine control in our marriage which I feel pushed him away. So when he came back I was not the same person. I dont do the same things I did for him! I think you really really “over did” in your relationship. So go practice practice just being and being a “Siren” your energy will shift. And he will know and appreciate all that you did for him one day, but right now you need to be doing all the things you did for ‘HIM” for “YOURSELF”! when you gradually get there you will see this so clearly. Start right now just by realizing…….that false tape running through your head “I cant live without him!” IS A LIE! you already are! XOXOXOXOX



  84.  #84tracy on August 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    hi faith, im tracy. i just want you to know that your not alone.i broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago.He hasnt been treating me well and im tired of it.He becomes distant at times and shuts me out.i cut off all contact with him.But the thing is he hasnt tried to call me.boy! i guess i really meant alot to him! I set him free! i always wonder if he will miss me and call me and want to make things work between us..You just have to be strong.Please do not call him!! i have good days and bad. But im proud of myself for letting him go.and i will never pick up that phone again.If a man wants you,he will come get you! hang in there.cause by not calling him is really your best chance for getting him back. oh yea ive been datings others,it does help.



  85.  #85Mel on August 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Camille,

    Your words to Faith really resonated with me as well… so thank-you! 🙂



  86.  #86Daria on August 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    “Men are competitive creatures who value what they have to work hard to get.”

    ~ Rori Raye



  87.  #87Daria on August 8, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Sunshine – maybe this will help motivate you to be strong and authentic and keep CDing

    “If he gets a sense that you’re completely devoted to him with very little investment on his part, he’ll question your value.

    This means you do not give away exclusivity to a man until you have the commitment you want from him.”



  88.  #88Plum on August 8, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Faith

    That’s very good. A couple of dates is a start. Try to speed up the dating and to meet many more men.
    You don’t have to stop loving X.
    You can be gentle with yourself and you don’t have to push yourself before you are ready to understand what is your mind doing to you.
    What you can do is to keep your love for him, to put it aside, so you can find it back when you need to, put it in a little box, at the bottom of your heart, it will keep warm and safe. It will go to sleep while you meet many other men.

    Not one man will be compared with X, because not one man is supposed to replace X or to make you stop loving him. You won’t have to cry after a date because it has nothing to do with your love for X.
    You can allow your love to live at the bottom of your heart and at the same time enjoy another man’s joke, and dance with a third man, be thrilled to get yourself pretty for a fourth man.
    Your activities in your real life do not interfere with your love kept safe at the bottom of your heart. It can be parallel.

    You can tell yourself that when you want to, if it really is necessary one day, you will call him.
    You may stop thinking of him today for example, because today you know you won’t call him. You can take a break, it does not mean you are forbidden to think about him tomorrow or to call him tomorrow. You are only taking a break today.
    See? You are totally free.
    You are also free to take a break, it won’t kill the love you keep warm and safe at the bottom of your heart in its little box.
    Tomorrow you will see how you feel.
    May be you will feel free to postpone again, knowing you are not forced to postpone, it is a choice, just to see how far you can go. One day after the other. May be you will prefer to keep busy planing dates or shopping or sports, things to do rather than call and you will postpone the call for another day yet, knowing there is no emergency to call now, it can be done in the future.

    He knows you exist, you know he exists and as people who know each other, you can call him in any delay of time, there is no limit. There is no specific reason why it should be now. There is no specific reason why you should think of him every day. When you don’t think of him, it does not kill him in your heart, you don’t stop thinking of him for ever, and it does not send to the universe the news that all is over for ever. It is not related. You can take a break and stop thinking of him, it won’t keep him from calling if he is meant to call.

    The break is for you to feel good in life and get your smile back, the break will not destroy the love if it exists. Nobody, not even yourself can order you to stab your own heart and stop loving him for ever. But you can take a break and tell him in your heart you will think of him later, and he will be all right, you love him.
    You would have to be a fake future teller or we would have to be if you or we would dare tell you that you will stop loving him for ever, or he will stop loving you for ever or he will never call.
    Keeping real and not lying about an hypothetical future, we can decide to do what we want today. Today you want to keep loving him. Be it, if it feels good and soft, love him tenderly, feel the softness of the love, the compassion for him and for yourself loving him. Then tell him, in your heart, you need to do a couple of things to organize your life and make it strong and beautiful, so you have to stop thinking of him, but he is not lost, he is safe at the bottom of your heart, in his little box.. Tell him you will visit him when he needs you to, you don’t stop thinking of him for ever, but only today and until you feel like it. You don’t know yet, you will see how many days you need to reorganize your life, not thinking of him. One day at a time and each day postponing thinking of him until the next day.

    Do you practice a sport? It does a lot for the brain.

    xxx



  89.  #89Daria on August 8, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    i feel afraid that if i look at women and open my heart and smile, they will give me dirty looks

    and tehn … i will feel bad and traumatized and feel awful for a long time

    however that might not happen, and i might not feel that way at all

    and i actually probably feel bad looking at them NOT smiling, im just not paying attention to my feelings

    i feel afraid that if i look at unattractive men and smile, that they will make comments that make me feel icky… or that they will come closer to me or speak to me and i will feel uncomfortable

    or they might try to rape me

    and agian, that will probably not happen

    i love myself

    i want to feel safe to look people in the eye and smile

    even if they look all cranky and upset or scary

    and i love me i love me and i love my fear mucho mucho

    thank you Daria for writing about this for me



  90.  #90Corin on August 8, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I feel sad and scared. The city where I live has got pretty bad riots going on this evening because of the government cuts. I had to get my way through them as I live in a city centre apartment. My ex was trying and trying to get hold of me to make sure I was Ok and current guy…nothing for hours! Current guy has been ‘chasing’ me all week, trying to enter into sexual banter, saying how much he likes me, etc and then a time like this when I imagine his real concern would come out. It doesn’t.

    Is that a sign that he’s not right for me? I did notice yesterday when some homeless people came up to ask for money, his face really screwed up and I thought’ whoa there!’ to myself. Kindness and compassion is really important to me. My ex had it in barrel loads and realising that current guy probably does not feels really sad.

    i’ve been texting my ex and I feel so sad. I’m going into ‘what ifs..’. I know that is pointless and I broke up with him because my needs were not being met in terms of him giving me time and attention. However reading this article, Rori is suggesting that it is us and not the man who fail to meet our needs. Confused and sad.

    When do we work on ourselves and when do we walk away from the man? I don’t know.



  91.  #91Mel on August 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    LOL… found this gem on a friend’s FB:

    ‎”Ex” is short for “example.” Your ex is an example of someone who isn’t good for you. Try something new.



  92.  #92Susan on August 8, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    RE 50: Kayla ~

    I’m sorry, but the way that man treated you means either one or both of the following statements is true. 1) He is incredibly immature. 2) He is toxic.

    Sweetie, start dating other men. Despite your feelings of attachment, he is not a good man for you. This of what you would tell your friend or daughter if they described that evening to you. Wouldn’t you advise them to walk away?



  93.  #93faith on August 8, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    RE:84 tracy:

    aww.. thanks tracy.. and i cant believe it but i have been very strong and have NOT called him after 3 months!! but truly i dont want to be the one to call him.. I deserve for HIM to call ME after all i did for him.. and this is what keeps me from dialing his number…..
    I want to feel good like “Camille” – I want him to call me!! If he never does well i guess that shows me that he was pretty much using me and didnt appreciate all the things i did for him!!
    But i think if that day comes where he calls me .. i will feel better b/c i know he realized what a he lost!!



  94.  #94Daria on August 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    well faith you will learn from Rori that a man will never fall for you because of the things you did for him

    in fact – that probably will push him away

    but when you will shift yourself to loving yourself, doing for you, and letting HIM do for you – then he is likely to feel it and come back



  95.  #95faith on August 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    RE:88 Plum:

    Wow Plum…. thank you so much!! I really appreciate all this help/advice from everyone here!! I am going through such a difficult time and reading everyones comments is just wonderful!! I cant thank you enough along with everyone else here who has taken the time to help me…. you are all great!! 🙂



  96.  #96luzydel on August 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Something weird happened today…

    usually txt with D if he initiates and I just act flirty and all, but all the time he does I know that that is all he can give me and not to ask him for anything more.
    This morning out of the blue I got a text from him telling me that he is not mentally capable of a relationship, that he has so many things going on and that he is open to a sexual friendsahip with me…

    I was like where did this cmome from? I have not ask him for anything and I was not expecting anything…

    I told him that I was aware of things and that sometimes I act flrty becuse I enjoy being flirty, and that while he text me all this time I also gave myself the chance to meet other men, so my expectations of him were very low and that I was open to keep communication as is, but that I will only have sex with a man who is ready to be with me…

    Then his vibe totally changed, he started to ask me about these men I have been going out with; if they treat me well and or pay for the dates etc. I responded candidly to his questions then silence so I did other things and have not heard form him, which is ok also.

    🙂



  97.  #97Plum on August 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Faith

    “You’re About To Learn How To Instantly Make A Man Want To Get Close And Stay Close To You Forever…” By Rori Raye

    This article by Rori Raye: “Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves. More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.”

    The first four years of my now glorious 18-year marriage followed the same, not glorious, hugely painful pattern all my other relationships had.

    All the passion turned to tension and all the fun turned to bickering and then he withdrew.

    He went cold and got angry.

    Suddenly, I realized I didn’t feel all that warmly towards him either.

    He thought I was being controlling, and I thought he wasn’t cutting it.

    We were both right.

    Overfunctioning is doing too much.

    It’s doing more than your share, stepping in to help, stepping up to rescue.

    It’s offering before being asked, giving instead of giving back.

    It’s trying to manage your life and get things done by playing all the parts in the relationship — both your part and his.

    Overfunctioning is a deeply unsatisfying thing.

    Trying to play your man’s part in the relationship as well as yours (like I did) creates tension and conflict — and even if you could succeed at it, you wouldn’t like the results.

    If you turn your man into a puppet you can manipulate, you’re not going to like him very much.

    You’ll have clean dishes and no garbage, and a Saturday night date at the restaurant and movie of your choice, but look — your man will be a puppet!

    Not much fun there.

    So — do you deserve a red-blooded, real, strong minded, secure, responsible, respectable, thoughtful, and caring man?

    Or do you only deserve a shadow of yourself?

    Can you allow yourself to be loved by a man who can really love?

    Or can you only sign up with a man who makes it one-third the way to you and then expects you to pick up the slack?

    By always picking up the slack — and I know it always seems like what needs doing is urgent and important — what you get by doing it all yourself is mostly your own feeling of resentment.

    You don’t get the appreciation we all crave — you get coldness, anger, and withdrawal.

    It seems so unfair to put ourselves out, to be helpful, and then get what feels like a slap in the face.

    And yet, what we’re really getting is the safe place (unpleasant as it is) of avoiding finding out what our men are really made of.

    By always cutting to the chase and doing everything ourselves –- or directing how it’s done –- we put up a wall between ourselves and our men that keeps us from getting what we all say we really want: The Big Ticket Items –- Love, Affection, Romance, Trust, Harmony, Peace, the ability to Negotiate anything.

    (And I mean anything.)

    By always stepping in, we guarantee that our lives with our men will always be about the small stuff –- the nuts and bolts of life, and not the deep, soul-satisfying stuff that we come together in relationships and marriage to get. If what we want is soul connection, we have to stop Overfunctioning.

    Since childhood, we’ve been labeled, taught, tricked, bribed and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts.

    Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.

    More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.

    Many of us don’t even really believe we deserve a great relationship.

    Well, we do.

    We all do.

    And we don’t need to do anything to deserve it.

    We just deserve it.

    No earning required.

    If we can stop doing so much and stop resenting doing so much, our relationship will get better instead of falling apart.

    Try it.

    What if you really didn’t have to watch how things are going, didn’t have to ask for everything you want, stopped overseeing the doing of things that are important to you even though you’ve already agreed that it’s his job, and could just relax and be?

    It’s a little scary.

    Each of us has learned ways to keep pain away.

    And those things we do and say that help keep pain away also shut out love.

    As soon as we stop doing those things, and love comes in, sometimes we begin to feel things we’ve been avoiding feeling for a very long time.

    For some of us, feeling loved is mixed up with feeling pain. We feel scared to be vulnerable.

    Sometimes it takes a while to begin to trust ourselves and our boundaries enough to really allow ourselves to be vulnerable –- and enjoy both being vulnerable and experiencing the miraculous effect our vulnerability has on our men.

    So take it slow.

    Baby steps is the way to go.

    Make a list of all the things you do in the household, on a date, and in a relationship, and pick three things that seem easy to let go of.

    And then stop doing them. Just stop.

    It might get a little messy.

    At first he may get a bit bent out of shape that you’re not on him, at him, throwing love and attention at him or doing for him all the time –- but secretly, he’ll start feeling seriously better about your relationship.

    And you’ll feel seriously better, too, when he starts giving you (without you’re even asking) what you really want –- attention, affection, sweetness, the doing of household chores.

    Remember, it’s about the Big Ticket items.

    Affection.

    Great sex.

    Harmony.

    Being able to negotiate.

    Fun.

    Peace.

    Trust.

    Emotional safety.

    Keep your eye on the prize: Stop giving all your energy to managing your man and everything in your daily lives, and start using it to love yourself first.



  98.  #98Lilybelle on August 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    95:

    Hi Faith~

    Are you feeling better? See, it doesn’t have to be dealt with all at one time. Just a little baby step to the next best feeling place is all that is needed.

    Go love yourself and stop our nasty voices from yapping at you…telling you the “IF” stories. They are lies… Direct your energy and your focus elsewhere, it will help to quiet those badboys down. I like to tell myself, in the mirror that I am a fabulously, beautiful, graceful, Siren and ANY man is honored to spend time with me. And, it’s true. 😉

    Sure, I waiver once in a while, well…it’s more like my horse stumbles and I slide off my horse a little bit but I pull myself up and keep on going. 😉



  99.  #99Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Corin Rori’s third way is that you don’t walk away. You lean back and focus on yourself.



  100.  #100Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Congrats Tmizz. I can imagine how peaceful it feels.



  101.  #101Ella on August 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Ok I am going to read this post properly in a minute.

    And for now I just need to post and let off some feelings steam.

    I am feeling shocked, disturbed and triggered by the riots in London. I feel seriously disturbed that so many young people are involved.

    I feel sad and a bit sick.

    I feel worried for my friends up there and also glad I am not there, and also, weirdly, a bit left out of the excitment (and I feel guilty for saying that).

    I feel sickened about the businesses being wrecked and the people caught in the cross fire.

    I felt worried about my ex (who is a policeman in London) and I contacted one of our mutual friends to ask if she knew if he was ok.

    She said she has lost touch but he has had a son with his fiance who he got with after me.

    I feel triggered and not good enough.

    And then I went on FB and everyone was talking about the riots.

    And I felt bad and looked at J’s status, and then I felt even more triggered.

    And then I remembered howhe asked me questions about politics and I got a blank mind and couldn’t remember who our Prime Minister was or the President of USA and I feel unbelievably STUPID and ignorant.

    And I feel ashamed of my ignorance.

    And no wonder he doesn’t want me.



  102.  #102Ella on August 8, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    And those are my NVs going out of control.

    Oh gotta love them NVs.

    Was having such a good/positive feeling day today too!

    Ok, so just got a bit triggered there for a min.

    Feeling overwhelmed with work too.

    Want to slow down and sometimes don’ know how.

    And feel ANGRY! Like how the f8ck can I not know presidents name!!!

    AND I WANT A DO-OVER!!!!

    GRRRRRRR.

    But ok.

    Feel tired from work and need to take care of myself.

    Deal with these NVs… and be gentle

    Work with some love and acceptance.

    Probably need to curl up in bed really. And feel this.

    Would like to flip it all too. We shall see.

    I am going to get snuggled in now and then read this post.



  103.  #103Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Ella – love to you… you were smoked … its totally normal not to remember stuff like that when smoked… your mind is on a journey

    and being ignorant – if u were – is not a reason a man would feel attraction or not

    AND “he doesn’t want me” is not true – i’ve been doing Byron katie – like Rori’s post – on those thoughts for myself in a similar situation – and its been working marvelously



  104.  #104Ella on August 8, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Hey Daria,

    Thank you honni.

    Thing is I wasn’t smoked at that point. I was hung over though… but my mind just went blank.

    It is hard for me to imagine that attraction would not be killed by something like this… I would feel judgemental.

    It just feels icky that I gave a man so much power… I mean why was he questioning me anyway.

    NOOO!

    Its like he should be so impressed with me… not him testing me to see if I am clever enough!

    Hmph.

    Anyway…

    And how was your day today? Did you do what you planned?

    xoxoxox



  105.  #105Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Plum thank you for posting that with the bold. it is really helping me.



  106.  #106Ella on August 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    I am not ingnorant…

    Except maybe around politics.

    But I am intelligent.

    And yet that is not the impression when you can’t remember basic stuff like that.

    D8mn him for being able o throw me off course so easily!

    And d8mn me for allowing him to.

    I feel wallowing, drained and urchy.



  107.  #107Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Ella – remember attraction is totally not about intellect just like its not about sex

    yay! (or uffff depending)

    and… yes i did!! and it felt so awesome sooo awesome! and i felt in need of rest after!

    and then i had extra energy and my siren friend offered me an easy online cash generating opportunity and i signed up! and i edited my CV and sent it in and everything! these are all things that i felt BLOCKED on in the past! incredible

    and i still feel quite great

    and powerful

    about myself

    oh so great !

    and i drew a beautiful picture of myself as a goddess – it just came out as Oshun without my even planning it that way

    i feel so pleased

    thank you so much for your support! it helped me so much to do this!



  108.  #108Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Hugs to you!

    you ARE intelligent, and you are great, and men will never fall for you because you are intelligent or great

    only because you love yourself, allow yourself to receive from him, and have boundaries



  109.  #109Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    ohhh

    when i think – i will just start fantasizing about other men and not be able to be emotionally faithful and present – i am believing that i dont Deserve a great relationship

    cuz im not “ready” to

    and because i want attention and want to be a star and be seen and admired by crowds – i don’t Deserve a great relationship – cuz im not humble and all about only family and home

    wow cool!

    i love you beliefs

    i love you me!!



  110.  #110Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I dont Deserve a great relationship because i didn’t want to be with hs boyfriend who wanted to be with me!



  111.  #111Ella on August 8, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Daria re 107

    Yay!!!

    Well done you.

    What a great babystep and so pleased you felt good from it.

    I feel smily

    🙂

    Can’t wait to hear about the next steps!

    xoxoxo



  112.  #112Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    ah i still feel guilty

    !

    i am remembering how he said his mom said “these girls don’t deserve you” and that i would break his heart and i did

    and i agreed, i didn’t deserve him, cuz i didn’t want to be with him

    i dont know WHAT was wrong with me but i did realize i didnt want to be with him

    and all he seemd like he wanted was to be with me

    he even bought me a gold chain!

    wow

    i couldnt have cared less about taht gold chain i felt so not wanting to be with him ad i felt trappd

    pffffff

    wow thos old thoughts and beliefs i formed

    angels pleease help me heal them!



  113.  #113Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    I like this post a lot, because it’s very tangible and teaches a process of steps to accomplish something.



  114.  #114Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    i dont Deserve a great relationship because im too tomboyish! ha

    and im not attractive and girly enuf like the other girl thta one guy liked when we were 5

    wow

    i would like to heal this!

    this is awesome!

    thank you for noticing and writing this for me Daria!



  115.  #115Ice Princess on August 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Wow, when you start noticing patterns things become so much easier to deal with. I now know that LP wants and craves attention on Mondays. I can always expect a call and attention from him on Mondays…and I have been going over to his place the last few Mondays but today I told him that he is more than welcome to come over here but I just can’t go over there tonight and he said okay, that he enjoyed talking to me, and spending time with me over the past few days. He even asked his son in front of me if he would like to move back in with us.



  116.  #116Ella on August 8, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    I met a girlfriend for coffee and cake today.

    She is the one who invited me out clubbing and who J’s brother liked.

    She is a Siren although I don’t think she comes here.

    She has a little girl, although she is not with the dad. And she just focused totally on her own life and looking after her and her little girl.

    And she is nice.

    She is only average pretty really, not conventionally pretty, but she is attractive. And I think it is cus she focused on herself.

    She was telling me about how she was single for 2 years and she just kinda gave up on looking to be with anyone, decided to focus on herself and make herself happy and suddenly ex boyfriends and male friends were coming out of the woodwork to tell her they wanted her.

    And now she is happily in a relationship.

    Wow!

    🙂

    And I felt jealous too. Couldn’t help it.

    And I could feel a b8tchy part of me coming out and making judgements like ‘how can she get a man, she is not that pretty!’ and silly stuff like that.

    And I was working to just quiet that (is that my drama queen?) and listen to the message, and appreciate her and her Siren qualities.

    Oh and she is still vulnerable too.

    Cool stuff.



  117.  #117Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    “Each of us has learned ways to keep pain away.

    And those things we do and say that help keep pain away also shut out love.”

    like not looking people in teh eye with open heart and smile



  118.  #118Tmizz on August 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    FW – thank you, and hi!

    I *wish* it felt peaceful!

    I am still fighting the urge to contact him, moment to moment.

    But I feel moments of peace…



  119.  #119Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    3 things im doing – liking his photos and statuses

    i can stop doing that…

    that’s not “holding back” is it? i feel a lil confused

    ok so what if he’s showing up ‘around’ me on fb, as long as he’s not directly adressing ME then it’s not intiating

    i can respond to his initiating

    i can tell him then that i like his photo

    ok

    wow that is pretty clear

    yay!



  120.  #120Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    i can treat FB as a big party

    after all i wouldn’t go up to him at a party and say, wow i really like ur hat

    okay or maybe i can do that like, ONCE

    but not every party in a row

    right?

    i mean, i will smile and look pretty (maybe some pretty fb pics can really hlep me out here)

    and then let him give to ME

    he can like my stuff!

    so AM i holding back, not really, im giving him the space to “talk” first

    i dnot have to cut to the chase and all that



  121.  #121Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    hmm…I feel compassion for so many sirens on here going through heartbreak.
    I want them to heal.
    I want them to become happy and amazing sirens.
    I have been there too, feeling the sad heart achy empty desperate for resolution
    I SO HATED being in that place
    The worst was about ten years ago and I didn’t know what to do

    Wish I had Rori’s tools back then!

    But unfortunately, I spent a year+ crying, obsessing and hoping my boyfriend would reconcile with me, after breaking it off with me out of the blue one day because he didn’t want to get married and have a family

    This was after 4 years of being his amazing sex partner and laundry maid and social setting arm decor

    F%&cker

    I still get mad at myself/at him/at the world about how that seemed so unfair and painful that he could just dump me. I was young and naiive and he was much older. I believed EVERYTHING he said, because I had no frame of reference and I feel he took advantage.

    again, F#$cker!!!!!

    I want to let this go and heal it

    It’s been on my heart way too long keeping me captive

    I forget about it for a while but I get triggered and it comes flooding back!!!!



  122.  #122Daria on August 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    i have unobsessed myself over NYguy!

    yeah!!

    wooo



  123.  #123Kayla on August 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    RE: Susan ~
    I am currently dating other men. I am not contacting “pickup guy” if he contacts me first on the other hand I want to be ready, I feel like I should say something like “I don’t like when someone I have feelings for is kissing all over me, but at the same time there is other women all over him, I also don’t like when a man I have feelings for is bringing over other men and implying that we should get to know eachother. It makes me feel unwanted and unhappy. I feel embarassed that I got left at that wedding that night and I am still feeling a little bit resentful about that whole entire night. It made me feel happy that there was contact and you wanted me to come see you, but the rest of the night just didn’t feel good to me.” I know I can do better. Any help sirens?



  124.  #124Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Ugh…feeling happy and frustrated all at once

    Happy because I don’t want ten years ago guy back, NOT AT ALL….
    but frustrated that he can still affect me.

    You know what he told me?
    I asked him why he pursued me so strongly when we first met (I was lukewarm about him when we met and then over time, fell in love with him head over heels)

    He said he pursued me only because he wanted to get in my pants. After four years of Christmas, birthdays, trips, family stuff, etc etc and that is what he said to me.
    So mean.
    hate him.



  125.  #125Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    122 yay Daria!! 🙂



  126.  #126Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I feel worried that sirens will think I’m being whiney and complainey over something that happened so long ago…but I stuffed down a lot of it for a long time…..it feels good to write it down….
    I’ve written a little about it on here before.

    I want to heal this
    And let it go forever

    I know I have to forgive
    But I feel angry



  127.  #127Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    my head feels full of information and my heart feels mixed up and light and heavy at the same time….
    I feel a bit overwhelmed like I don’t know where to start to resolve what I want to make peace about within me….I know I have to start with me but there is so much going on inside…. 🙁



  128.  #128tinque on August 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Emerson – There’s nothing wrong with feeling anger. Sinking into it frees it up, gives it movement which creates the space to transform. Resistance only perpetuates it. Feeling it allows flow, through you and right on out of you.

    xxoo



  129.  #129Daria on August 8, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Kayla – sounds great! maybe go a couple lines at a time… and pause for him to reply

    remember its not about pointing exactly “what he did wrong”

    but rather, how you felt with some context

    so maybe

    “i felt icky and mad at the wedding… im still feeling kinda mad about it”

    him what why?

    “i felt kinda bad… and i felt angry. i don’t want to feel that way with a man”

    him what what did i do?

    “i didn’t feel important or treated special… i felt really mad”

    etc

    if he seems super interested you can let him know specifics… but remember men generally know when they are treating us badly



  130.  #130Daria on August 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Emerson – swinging on the monkey bar from

    “blame/Fuchk him” to… “i feel so angry and humiliated”

    is a leap of faith like Rori talks about in the article

    but for me once i make it… is the step to really feeling the FEELINGS and healing



  131.  #131Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    thanks daria and tinque



  132.  #132Ella on August 8, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Is anyone following the riots in London?

    I feel afraid and worried.

    I feel unsafe.

    Although I am not in London.



  133.  #133Alicia on August 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Great article!

    I believe loving yourself and accepting yourself is the road to allowing someone else to love you. Being happy in your own alone time celebrating you. Just feels a lot different then isolating or wishing thinking.

    I have found lots of things that make me feel good. And I am way more receptive and giving in a free way. It’s kinda like letting go and giving your self permission to just enjoy.

    I walked by a swing the other day and hopped on it. Slid down a water slide at out pool without thinking twice. Belt out songs in my car, Make list of postive things. Read books, soak in my bath, when I work out and make it past my normal quitting point… I even pat my self on the back. haha. And I when I feel heat wave comming on.. I love myself in that way too. LOL. Very peaceful these day..

    Oh and I sent a special something out a few of my friends thru email. And in the caption put – “to the people I trust them most.. feel honored.” 🙂 – And John responded with the biggest smiley ever, and put, “”I’m soooo glad to be on you top list of people you trust!””

    It made us both feel good. 🙂



  134.  #134Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Sirens I’m feeling curious what you would do in this dilema. I’ve been dating this guy. We had plans to get together tomorrow night. He texted to let me know a couple of his friends have asked him to go to dinner for his birthday and he asked me if we could reschedule. I guess at least he’s asking in advance but I still feel really disappointed because I’m leaving in a couple of weeks. I don’t feel important. In order to see him on Wed I would have to reschedule with a girlfriend of mine who is like family to me and I really only get to see during the summer and at Christmas time. I know Rori says don’t make dates with girlfriends that you can’t break but this feels weird to me…what do you ladies think?



  135.  #135Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    To clarify he asked to reschedule for Wednesday…



  136.  #136Senior Lady Vibe on August 8, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    @135: Wildflower says:
    “…To clarify he asked to reschedule for Wednesday…”

    He ditched you to be with his friends and he’s asking you to ditch your friend to be with him. Oh. I suppose if Rori says do that, it would depend for me on how desperate I was for a man. I’ve never been been that desperate for a man. But who knows, it could come… maybe, perhaps, Like Haley’s Comet but probably not… 😯

    How desperate are you?

    xoxo



  137.  #137Senior Lady Vibe on August 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Recently seen CL ad:
    ——————————–
    King wishes for younger women to take care of me – 50
    —————————
    Looking for a young busty girl with lots of money to be my money slave. Must pamper me. No sex. We go shopping and you buy me computers, ipods, suits and ties and then you can lick my shoes after. Must be pretty. I would prefer 6 figure incomes but will give good points for effort and natural beauty. . Must know how to kiss ass.

    Send photos, facebook and all details. A resume with 3 references would aslo be good. I expect gifts and rewards from you every day for the rest of your life.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



  138.  #138Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Thanks SLV for responding. Just to clarify he just asked if I was available Wednesday (I didn’t tell him I already had plans with a friend). But yeah I guess I’m feeling really crappy about being put second in light of the whole situation. But I was wondering if maybe I was being too sensitive…



  139.  #139Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Wildflower it seems he is doing what he wants in going out with his friends and not reshuffling his life for you. Just wondering………why would you reshuffle your life for him? I understand that if he tells the guys he has plans with his girl he could get teased badly but I believe I would feel weird too. In any event he was honest enough to tell you what was happening but it could be an opportunity to teach him how to treat you.



  140.  #140Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    FW you’re right. That seems to be my dilema with this guy. He is very nice and honest but for whatever reason I only feel a moderate amount of interest and that feels crappy.

    I’m trying to feel my feelings and figure out what the truth is (which essentially is I feel disappointed and let down and sad and frustrated which tells me I haven’t been speaking the truth enough to him).

    I might say, “I already made plans with a dear friend and feel awful breaking them. I was really looking forward to seeing you.” and just leave it at that. What do you Sirens think? Thank you!



  141.  #141Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    ok just sent my reply. I guess it’s all a big experiment right??



  142.  #142Senior Lady Vibe on August 8, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    @138: Wildflower says:
    “…But I was wondering if maybe I was being too sensitive…”

    Too sensitive? No. Rori aside, I’d keep the appointment with my girlfriend and tell the guy which other days I would be available.

    I’m curious too. If this is your guy’s birthday celebration, did you two make special plans? It seems odd to me that he would cancel that to go out with the guys on his birthday. At least that’s been my experience they just go out the day before or day after, or weekend but everyone is different.

    xoxo



  143.  #143Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    SLV–His birthday was over the weekend. We’ve been dating for about a month or so. So not too long. His parents were here visiting over his birthday and they left today (no I wasn’t invited to meet them but it is kind of soon). He asked me to get together today but it was too late notice and I couldn’t so I said I was available tomorrow (Tuesday). He told me that was good and then later sent me a text saying his friends asked him to go to dinner could we reschedule for Wednesday.

    I went with, “I already have plans with a close friend on Wednesday and would feel awful canceling. I was really looking forward to seeing you.”

    I didn’t offer up alternate days. I hope I’m not being run by my nasty voices but I just figured I’d be blatantly honest but I didn’t want to offer up alternate days. I figured if he really wants to see me he can figure out something…

    I’m feeling really insecure though. I hate this sort of thing because the last few times I’ve remotely held my ground the guys have “poofed” (as Ella says). Then I start questioning whether I’m being a beeotch since he did ask me in advance. I don’t know.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Wildflower I don’t think it is odd that he would want to go out with the guys. It depends on how long you have been dating and what type of commitment you have with each other. In his mind it might just be a casual uncommitted relationship. If you are more invested in it than he is it could cause him to lose the attraction. You are not feeling good about what is happening and when I read what you wrote in 140 I said YES. As CCarter says you don’t want to lose yourself in the relationship. He needs to know that you have a life. Changing your plans suggest that you have nothing else going on in your life but him, is my opinion.



  145.  #145Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Wildflower he sent a text! It is less work to dial and talk. Plus its only a month.



  146.  #146Femininewoman on August 8, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    He should be shuffling his life around to get on your dance card.



  147.  #147Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Hmmm… so I did a little free trial of Match and now I’m wondering if it’s worth it. I’m not sure I’m comfortable posting my pic… and so I’m not getting a whole lot of attention. I wonder if meeting people in-person might feel better. I’m not sure. Where do you ladies meet your CD’s (aside from online)?



  148.  #148Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Yeah and he usually calls which feels crappy as well. I guess I’m seeing that he’s not really stepping up like I hoped he would. Or maybe I’ve made it too easy for him and he hasn’t had to step up. Trying to love myself anyway. Thanks SLV and FW for your input and helping me work through this!



  149.  #149Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Mel–I’ve met people at singles events. I went to one a couple weeks ago and actually met a guy while I was waiting for my friend to show up. I also join clubs and go on trips with them.



  150.  #150Mel on August 8, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    What kind of singles events? I have gone to a couple local “meet-up” events, but more just for fun not necessarily to meet men.

    It’s just that I’m not much of a bar person… so looking for suggestions.



  151.  #151Wildflower on August 8, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    I’ve googled singles events in the area I live in. They weren’t meet up events. They were actual websites devoted to events for single people. Some were at bars but they also had cooking classes, wine tasting and more adventurous trips like rafting or climbing and stuff. There’s always speed dating. Are you athletic? You could try joining a running club, or triathalon club or something like that. I know they also have singles cruises and vacations and stuff but I’ve never done anything like that mainly due to the cost. I go on trips with a local ski club. There are always men on those. I’m not sure where you live…



  152.  #152Turquoise on August 8, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I haven’t been around much lately…. chance I have a bit of a cyber stalker, so not sharing anymore personal information (names, location,etc.) as it doesn’t feel safe. I’ve been too open to such a wide audience… and it might have back fired on me. For those of you who know me, please don’t use my real name on here.

    Anyways, things here are good….. just very busy with the move. We’ll be in the new house in less than two weeks as long as the mortgage paperwork finishes up without any issues. We are sooo excited.

    I don’t know if it’s because I’m so preoccupied right now, but I have zero interest in dating. I barely have time to see my friends, let alone start something new, but I don’t even miss it. I’m surprised. I did see T a few weeks ago, he invited me to see U2 with him, we had a good time, great and very expensive seats, but didn’t rekindle any feelings or anything, was just a nice, special night out. Was nice to see him, but he seemed a little awed to hear about the new house, even commented that I was really moving up in the world. It felt like he was a bit put off by that.

    All I care about right now is getting my life where I want it. When I think about how long I’ve been single, and how stuck I’ve felt the past few years, I know I have to make changes to get where I want to be. The house feels like a beautiful opportunity for a fresh start. I tend to share too much information about myself on a regular basis. Going to try to curb that, to think more about what I say, and what I choose to share. My job is fine, wishing it was a little more fulfilling, but I may cut back my hours after the move a bit to be home after school with the kids. We’ll see how that works out.

    My ex will be back in about a month, things have been pretty good in dealing with the house, but we had another issue come up that was very stressful. We seem to be past it, but I’m unsure where things will go when he gets back, if we’ll maintain our friendship, or not. I think I need to put more distance there. I feel vulnerable, just unsure.

    I feel like I’m walking an unsteady path to an amazing destination. I feel like I can’t look to the side, get distracted or stop, I just need to keep moving straight ahead to that place. I feel like if I don’t, I’ll fall off that bridge and have to start all over again. I don’t know that I could start from scratch.

    Mel and FW…. think about you both so much! Hope things are well. Miss chatting and keeping in touch. Wish I had more free time, but things will slow down some once we are in the new house. I am living in mountains of boxes right now… not a relaxing atmosphere, but so exciting to see what is ahead! 🙂



  153.  #153Daria on August 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    ok so i didnt go to sleep

    adrenalined up about the london riots and my triggers about the injustices of the world and how i want to easily just “blah blah blah” and have everyone understand adn everything heal

    and anyway now i go on facebook just because someone had posted something to me

    and freakin …. this fool… ok NYguy had posted a poem

    fi deh gyal dem – which is something he always says about his songs or wat not – bascially for the women

    so now

    his poem

    is Really good

    to me

    liek basically

    it sounds like WHAT *I* FEEL around HIM

    and i feel

    BAD

    now

    let me translate the poem to you:

    I LOVE YOU like life ITSELF

    the way you move walk and SMELL

    Everytime you come around my HEART melt to pieces i love you like reeses

    I’ve fallen far deep in

    am drowning save me

    and lets make it what we supposed to be

    dont front lets do this for real not what you see on TV

    **

    and now im crying cuz i thought he was immature and not really ready for a relationship

    but lately hes been putting updates like this and im like

    I wish he was saying this to ME!!!

    and not just to “the women” out there!

    i am crying

    i wonder whats so painful about this

    i must be triggered about other stuff

    i am healing

    oh yeah i gotta remember i am healing

    always

    i just dont think it could really be that he would say this to me

    i would just love that

    waaaaah

    and also whatever this is reminding me of that is triggering me so much

    like the whole heart melt like pieces when you come around

    THATS HOW I FEEL!

    and i think – oh wow well that feels good but also bad

    cuz i want HIM to feel like taht around ME!

    (but noticing when he did show that he liked me I couldn’t accept it in my belief system – like when he put “i miss you boo” on my status – i brushed it off in my mind like oh he’s just responding to that cuz i ‘liked’ his song – etc)

    and then when he says save me it reminds me of what Evan wrote about his Wife which i felt moved by which was that she is his savior

    WAAAAH

    i will never have this from him

    i will forever pine for him

    waaaah

    i am feeling very triggered

    i intend to heal all all all of this

    even if i think my relationship will feel TERRIBLY BORING

    compared to what i want

    which i can’t allow myself to fully imagine

    but right now what i want is him to privately contact me and say yo that was for you

    and say you know if you want to move to ny i Do want you to stay with me even if u dont wokr, i will work for us

    and i feel sick and humiliated to even WANT taght because my mind says its so OBVI?OUS? it won’t happen and that feels TERRIBL?Y EMBARAS?SING? and HUMILIATING to a girl who is used to playing it cool like me

    anyway back to what i want and i want him to say yo i actually want to buy you the ticket are you ready?

    ohhh that would feel lovely

    of course then i would freak out about staying with him and would he go down on me and would he exepct exclusivity and all that

    so i would want him to say i really want you and i want whatever you want so whatever makes you comfortable

    i want YOU

    i miss you girl

    he DID say i miss you girl but i couldn’t allow me to let that in

    he also said he liked me before, hes said im sexy

    and all types of pretty nice stuff to me

    but i was so “urgent in the moment make it happen cuz youre only in ny for a week” that i shortcircuited him a lot

    well, technically he COULDVE totally stepped up from day one

    he did kinda fall back and i picked up the slack

    but… initially he actaully CALLED me while i was on the plane and left a message to call him

    i couldve right then and there when i got off said no i dont want to come to you it would feel lovely to have you come to me

    but it seemed like SUCH a fun adventure to come to him

    AND THEN

    after that when i DID tell him oh i want you to come to me and HE SAID ?HE WOULD

    but then again i shortcircuited the whole thing by asking him to help me with something and coming to him eventually because i was feeling lonely and i really wanted something to do

    omgohs

    yawn

    okay i have healed this lol

    i am feeling sleepy

    lol !

    that makes it sound easy

    do i really believe i have healed this?

    i dono

    i can choose to see it as a ?GOOD sign like look he is magically looking more ready for a relationship

    however i have the icky in the pit of the stomach feeling taht i am soon gonna get stabbed in the heart about it like i did with guywho

    and i love myself adn the impending doom i imagine i sense

    yes i love my feeling of impending doom

    and what if an even MORE amazing man shows up who writes poems

    but i want this one!!

    ok what if theres an evn more amazing one that i get that same lit up in my heart

    AND trusting of his goodness on a deep level feeling that i get with him and guywho

    like i feel that they genuinely care about me and love me

    i LOVE that feeling

    and Not like theyre going for an amazing token girl who has all these outside wonderful qualities like charm sex appeal intelligence uniqueness blabh blah and all the great stuff

    no its like they see me as clumsy eager girl daria

    but tehy both treat me as a FRIEND!

    ack!!

    i dont want them to treat clumsy eager girl daria as a friend!!!

    i always try to hide clumsy eager girl daria just for that reason, cuz she cuts the attraction

    but it feels so good when i can let her be seen!

    is that why i throw myself at them?

    cuz i want to be able to show clumsy eager girl daria and be accepted for her
    ?

    and what about attraction?

    whats taht all about

    i feel confused

    *good that means im healing and rewiring*

    yawn

    this is big stuff about this part of me that i havent been able quite to notice and acknowledge before

    i love you clumsy eager girl daria!

    i embrace you even if you think you turn off all men!!!

    even if you are NOT cool, and are HAPPY to run to them, and stumble and say silly stuff to them and expose your desire for love and get WALLOPED pow

    when its not where you expected it

    will you help me be more whole?

    yes!

    thank you

    of course you will you are eager and loving

    im sorry for not listening to you before

    i embrace you

    i would love to practice expressing you and your feelings

    thank you so much for being here

    i feel blessed to have you you are such a fully special part of me

    and i feel moved to tears

    i love me

    i love my feeling so vulnerable and humiliated and hopeless!

    no one will ever – well no man will – ever love clumsy eager girl daria

    shes’ just so, well shes DORKY . she gets friendzoned

    i love me

    she is not super cool and super aloof and super sexy

    is she?

    no she runs around in boy clothes and bowl boy cut hair and laughs a lot and would rush a boy to hug him

    even rush a certain 5 year old boy who doesnt want to kiss her but she feels bad and is confused and laughs and still chases him around

    until he tells her he likes this OTHER girl – wiht the snking pit of tummy feeling – who “always wears dresses” and sounds very girly

    and sounds like she spends her days kinda quietly and a bit lonely and dreamily gazing at teh water liillies from a bridge in her flowery petal dress

    ohhh the envy i feel anger!!

    i love my anger

    i love my FUR?YY?Y?Y?

    fury fury fury

    my five year old fury feels so endearing to me

    and my helplessness

    and my judgementalness

    i love the pressure in my chest



  154.  #154Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Turquoise, nice to see you here. 🙂 Happy to hear about your new chapter!!!
    It sounds like you are in a good place 😉
    Miss seeing you here



  155.  #155Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Mel regarding how to meet CDs….

    As you’ve probably seen, some of the meetup groups are actually for singles specifically….I joined one but have yet to attend an event so not sure how it is…but I want to give it a try once I carve out some time.

    Don’t be disappointed about match…hmm…not to diss the site at all, but I feel that POF has just as many if not more guys to pick from, and it’s free. Match seems to have what I call “lifers”….maybe POF does too…but it seems that a lot of these guys have been on Match forever!!! It became one of my first questions after a while…how long have you been on match? Some guys have been on for years. 🙁 Literally.

    Not to be a downer. I did meet a couple nice guys on there, just no sparks or common ground. But I go some practice doing Rori’s tools! So it was good for that. I have two CDs from POF right now, neither that I’m that excited about. RecycledCD I met at a night club, and my other CD father of 3 is a former co-worker….

    Also….it’s kind of a challege, but I remember Daria suggesting once to put on a flowery/pretty dress, go out where people are and practice leaning back and waterwheel, I’m all that etc….order an iced tea, a coffee, a drink…I know you don’t like bars…but anyway…it’s something I want to try sometime!

    It kind of scares me! But I’ve thought about doing it just to see what happens!



  156.  #156Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Mel I’ve actually talked to a lot of men who have approached me even at starbucks, but none have turned into CDs cuz I was just practicing the five second eye contact and the waterwheel. leaning back and im all that….and this is all while dressed very very casual but cute, and concentrating on myself and keeping my vibe open and warm…
    It’s amazing guys sometimes do a double take on me and smile…and I’m literally in sweats flip flops and a t shirt!!!!



  157.  #157English Woman on August 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    #90 Corin

    I am thinking you must be in England? All these riots are just crazy and utter madness!! They are spreading to all the big cities now, luckily I live in a small quiet town.

    Take care and stay safe. xxx



  158.  #158English Woman on August 8, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    #132 Ella

    Been reading about the riots on FB and online Daily Mail, it’s absolutely disgusting and scary, I have family in London and Manchester and Liverpool is my home town and it’s soooo sad to see all the rioting and looting, the world has gone mad. 🙁



  159.  #159English Woman on August 8, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    #137 SLV

    LOL!! You sure can find ’em. 😀

    There is one on OKcupid who is dressed like a clown and he has all this stuff about squirty flowers and little cars, etc. Either a bored young guy or a nutjob LOL!!



  160.  #160alias girl on August 8, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    inspired by some of the women on here, i just made an online profile with no pix of me posted. fun!



  161.  #161Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    SLV re: 137 that is quite an ad!!!!!
    I don’t know how to do the emoticon face with the googly eyes but that’s what my face is doing after reading that….good lord!!!!



  162.  #162Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    alias girl, I have my POF profile up with no pics…and I prefer it that way. If I am really interested, I send a pic to the guy via email (I have an “extra” email address that I use for that sort of thing only) and we go from there!
    Yes fun!



  163.  #163alias girl on August 8, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    i feel NO PRESSURE. i might also get NO EMAILS. lol. but for this moment it feels so good to feel NO PRESSURE. i like this feeling. i want to remember what this feels like and make this my new set point.

    i feel…allowing. i feel open and free and unburdened. ah this feels so good. yes yes this is a good feeling. set point: free



  164.  #164Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Gah,,,a guy just wrote me on pof and used absolutely NO PUNCTUATION….it was like one very very long run on sentence!!!

    I feel kinda sad for him and bad. 🙁 I actually wrote him and said I feel a bit self conscious to ask this, but why don’t you use punctuation? His answer was, whew, even worse. He asked why I don’t have a picture, but I didn’t reply. Meh. Feel sad and bad for him. But nooo thank youuuuu………..



  165.  #165Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Where are kaitlyn and mee mee (ni ni) these days…I miss seeing their posts and hope they are doing ok and being sireny. 🙂



  166.  #166Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    I hope I meet someone nice and loving that uses punctuation.

    One of Rori’s past articles comes to mind about are all men goons?? I may have to go revisit that….it’s making me chuckle a bit, but I’m kinda feeling a little underwhemed by goonies lately….bah my patience is kinda waning.

    Not feeling like practicing the tools with them because they are wearing on my patience.

    I use so much mental energy at work to maneuver the politics that I get weary of outgirling these men.



  167.  #167English Woman on August 8, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I just got back from my early morning walk and have sooo much more appreciation these days, since joining this blog and talking to you Sirens and listening to Abraham youtubes for about 10 days now and I am feeling so much better about life in general.

    I had my iPod on listening to upbeat music and when Michael Jackson came on singing Billy Jean I started dancing ha ha!! In a quiet English country lane a 58 year old woman was moonwalking crazy crazy lady LOL!!

    Good job nobody was around to see me. 😀

    I can feel my vibe rising and am thinking of getting myself a sweetie. 🙂

    I don’t know if I should post this here because not everybody is into Abraham, but anyway this is kind of like RR too, all about our own happiness and that our “the one” or whatever you want to call it, is out there and we have to be full of anticipation and fun and laughter and love for ourselves…….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLeIMd6So-g&feature=related



  168.  #168Emerson on August 8, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    167 yay EW!! I love it. I can just picture you dancing down the lane. 🙂

    I will check out the link you posted.

    😉



  169.  #169Kaitlyn on August 9, 2011 at 2:27 am

    Hey Sirens,

    I’ve been in NYC this week and will prolly stay indefinitely. Found work out here. No, I’m not here due to Adam. I actually have no idea where he lives nor does he have any specific routine or hangout unless you count buying cigs at bodegas.

    Per usual, I’m having a blast out here with friends and I’ve been avoiding my ex madame. Finding a gym is stressful, though.

    Any cool chicks here in NYC?



  170.  #170Plum on August 9, 2011 at 4:27 am

    ha ha ha
    The problem With Women is…………. Men 😉
    http://www.blubrry.com/player/?p=9091



  171.  #171Jade on August 9, 2011 at 4:40 am

    You know what’s really pissing me off this morning?

    It’s that I feel like everything’s that going wrong on this planet is mainly due to men, not women.

    And here we are trying to change ourselves so that men will love us.

    How about them changing too, for crying out loud?

    Why do we always have to do all the work?

    Are they clueless?

    So freaking sick and tired of this.



  172.  #172Daria on August 9, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Kaitlyn – Nikita is there and she is cool. perhaps she will pop in on teh blog

    would feel great to join u in new york living soon

    i feel inspired



  173.  #173Daria on August 9, 2011 at 4:51 am

    Jade – i can relate to that right now

    i am feeling angry at the world, and feeling useless and hopeless like im angry at a sick person for being sick

    i want to heal the world!

    what is all this BULLSHIT about “contrast”

    oh if we wouldnt have contrast we would have no way to appreciate good stuff… bullshit!

    like byron katie says, clear mind does not = doing nothing. somehowo it doesnt

    inspiration comes through

    like Rori says, a non bad-boy man relationship does not equal boredom. it just doesnt. it doesnt work taht way (lets ‘get’ that deepl daria)

    but it seems like Rori says, men are competitive creatures who want to “work hard” for what they get

    so what the FUCH?K are we supposed to do with them then?

    if they will always get competitive and start wars and opress others????

    why did we even create them in the first place?

    cuz we wanted a helper to adore us? ugh! are we not deserving of that is that what went so terribly wrong?

    I FEEL SO C?ONFUSED AND POWERLESS AND INFLAMEEEDD

    so triggered

    can we live peacefully? can peace NOT be boring

    sure ! peace is not boring! peace is a celebration

    *and then stuff starts going wrong*

    AHHG

    thoughts! grrrr

    you know what! i choose not to believe you!

    AND

    what are “warriors” without war?

    strong people??

    ummfffff

    people who know how to fully connect and live and thrive in joy

    and then its like… ohhh how come animas eat each other when it seems the other animal is not ready to die ?

    UGH

    I HATE THIS W?OR??LDDD!!!

    i love my hate

    i love my utter confunsion

    i love my tearful red hot helplessnesss



  174.  #174T-Girl on August 9, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Mel, I am a huge endorser of meetup.com (only because I met my guy at a meetup event) :). I was very nervous going to my first event, but once I did it made the others easier. Now I am even hosting an event in my home this Sunday – it will be a relationship talk 🙂

    You can find meetup groups specific to your hobby, not just singles ones. I belong to a couple dance ones and a movie viewers one. Who knows, maybe they have a bee keepers one!



  175.  #175Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Kaitlyn there are gyms all over NYC. Check out 42nd Street close to Park Ave if you are in that neighborhood. Gyms include Synergy, Crunch, Equinox, NY Health Clubs, YMCA, check online. You should find something



  176.  #176Wildflower on August 9, 2011 at 5:38 am

    I’m feeling so blah and disappointed and let down. The whole world feels gray. It would feel nice to find some inner peace. It would feel nice to feel happy and alive and passionate again. I feel a giant lump in my throat. I love the lump in my throat. My chest feels heavy. I love the heaviness. My head feels tight and sick. I love the sickness. Now my shoulders are feeling tense. I love the tension. I intend to keep my heart open but sometimes I feel like it’s being trampled on and I’m being played for a stupid fool. I feel terrified I will never have boundaries. It would feel nice to have boundaries. My nasty voice is saying you’ll be 100 years old before you figure it all out but it would feel nice to feel passion and feel happy.



  177.  #177Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Turquoise3 great to know you are moving ahead. Hope everything settles before the end of summer to back to school will be smooth.

    Cheers



  178.  #178Mel on August 9, 2011 at 5:42 am

    Thanks for your suggestions ladies!

    I will definitely try the coffee shop flirt and some singles events- perhaps once I’m settled. I’m not opposed to bars… just not really into the nightclub scene. If I found a nice one that had some live music or an outdoor patio, that might feel more comfortable. Especially if I brought a girlfriend with me. Problem is all my friends are married… it will be weird to be the “single one.” Need some new friends! LOL.



  179.  #179Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

    ugh and then when people lose it and show it they are condemned

    help GOD i feel sobbing and i can’t take itttttttt

    waaaaahhhhhh

    it feels SOOO UNFAIR

    and the stuff that comes out of my mouth and words sounds so off base and off point

    like oh of course rioting is ok its not scary?

    and then people are like whatt???

    and im like

    dying inside

    help me help me help meeee

    it doesnt feel good to feel opressed an dsilenced

    and i feel like strangling marianne willamson sometimes like about oh moeny is just a vibration

    a vibration that is created by minds that are looking to opress and exclude

    or is it a vibration of expansion or both?

    and when people are killed by the opressive violent forces that opress them then

    there is usally nothing

    and more

    humiliation and not understanding

    and then it happens again and again

    i feel sooo overcome right now

    Goddess please help me~~!!!

    i feel powerless in all of this

    and like my voice is UNHEARDABLE

    that people are regularly taught and trained not to hear a voice like mine

    and i sound ‘disgusting’ im sure

    i feel desperation

    i feel outrage

    i feel like a complete futility

    i feel like smashing your world to pieces Goddess!!!!

    i feel fear

    constant fear

    a constant fear along with thoughts and images of knowing

    that true authenticity brings pain attack isolation and death

    like the fate of so many others

    i feel this energy and i know this energy and maybe im clinging to this energy because it feels better tahn NOT feeling this energy and stuffing it down below

    oh money is great, the world is lovey and theres nothing ever ever wrong of COURSE its normal to have social classes

    why dear, thats the way it alwasy was and always will be!

    of course its normal to have racism!

    of course its normal to have wars

    why of course its normal to have opressive police forces

    why if we didnt have anyone opressing anyone, everyone would be free can you imagine?

    then there would be mass killing and life would be “brutal and short” and it would just really suck!

    i mean if everyone was free to travel we would have to share everything meaning those starving homeless peopel would take all of our stuff

    and of course don’t you know they would just set up the same stuff we have now again? and then we’d be the ones opressed

    oh we cant have that better keep things the way we have them now

    theres no way that humans can ever live in peace

    its just not human nature

    *and other lovely ways of thinking that are standrad across the board programs for most of somewhat ‘educated’ ie taught these programs human beings in the world

    Goddess *I* want to heal this

    *I* want my voice to be heard and I DONT want to wind up tortured or imprisoned or killed while doing it

    dammit!@@!!

    I want it to heal

    maybe i dont even have to have my voice heard

    *though that would feel great*

    if i could be like *blah blah blah* magic words and then everyone who heard me or read me shook their heads like waking from a trance and was like

    oh wow! yes of course we can live in peace! we don’t need social classes! we don’t need borders! we don’t even need property rights…

    oh wow it feels so good to celebrate life with all humans

    here have my coat i know where there are others i can wear

    i can look all humans in the eye wiht an open heart (dear Goddess can I PLEASE FUCHKIN DO THIS ALREADY? i feel impatient)

    im looking at this billboard of chinese food and if i were making a movie i would reach right into the billboard, with a huge arm pick up a fistful of the chinese food and just chuck it around

    i feel so filled with this hot energy in my arms and spinning in me like lava tornados

    what if i can heal this *rather more humblly than *being heard* which means everyone paying attention to ME and i can feel my heart swelling with weeee yellow energy – well maybe im just constantly denying and putting myself down for this desire to be SEEN and HEARD and ADORED – what if i could heal it though by doing energy work on it? like some tapping … wht if that’s all the world is waiting for for Daria to do some EFT?*

    well thats so high minded of you daria you are so immodest and think your are just all that

    amazing gurus and healers have been working on this for mucho long time and if it isnt healed you think your little tapping is going to heal the world?

    um hopeless much?

    ok so now i recognize an NV – hello

    thank u

    and maybe i will be the tipping point

    or maybe they are waiting for me yes thank you very much

    maybe i am *significant special chosen one* who heals the world

    ohhh signifcance is dangerous its an ego trip blah blah dont you know thats how people go mad with desire for power and turn into hitlers and other terrible zealots who do way more harm then good?

    oh hi – you are an NV too – welcome

    thank you

    and maybe i will be significant in a perfectly healing way like that marianne williamson quoate about not hidng light udner the bushel

    maybe im like huge super power genie daria and i just do one round and i look outside and see the leopard that means the miracle has come

    and all of a sudden people seem so much more friendly to the gypsies and they are all smiling and the cars kinda park and people get together in circles and start talking and laughing and planning how to create wonderful connected lives

    and they start taking down the buildings and all sit down and meditate

    heyyyy

    CAN “YOU I”MAGINE “IF WE ALL SAT DOWN AND MeDITATED ON THE SAME THING AT O”NCE!!!

    woooooo

    that would feel amazing… i bet we’d like super connect like some cells in a bacteria

    i bet we could feed on sunshine!

    what if animals could feed on susnhine too

    *that sounds like something after the apocalypse Daria you should jknow that first there is some huge destructive apocalypse that wipes out evryone excetp like a few *

    why thank you – you are an NV TOO!!! – how lovely of you to join us

    thank you

    and maybe the whole apocalypse thing si realyu about how we take donw all the structures and stuff that aren’t vibing with ‘health frequency’ of earth and it just kinda looks like apocalypse cuz we do it all quickly but is really all wonderful

    awww how cute i see a gypsy looking mand helping and old lady across the street on his arm

    that is so cute!

    thank you for that sign!

    ok i wouldve believed the miracle came for a second but then i blocked it out

    and kinda checked about 3 to 4 times until he looked not so gypsy any more and then i thought up a buncha stuff about why the miracle hasnt come and it doesnt mean anything

    but it was a glimpse!

    i want more

    angels will you please help me !!!!

    i want more of the loveliness all the tiem

    i a m feeling quite refreshed and energized, in a quite different texzture and feel than when i started this

    now it feels like water fountains are spurting up in me and filling me with thrills that brighten my eyes and have me feelign like omg yes ! its possible its healing and it will happen its happening and wow!!!

    yes delightful stuff!

    wow!

    thats amazing i went from hopelessness to total amazing curiosity and excitement about teh future

    omg i can see us all meditating together

    i mean, these contrast things, are coming up to be healed!!!

    like i just healed this in myself as i flowed through it!

    i didnt use to get this far bfore, just stuck in the read hot feeling!!!

    and then the contrast just contrasts but the wonderful energy is flowing and then it HEAS as its embraced and then wow

    ther will be peace its all healed and peace yaeah!!!

    look at the two boys!!!

    they are another sign

    and then we will be connected in heart and its already happeneing and no wonder healers and people are excited about it !!!

    harmony joy is like right here around the corner!

    i just want to dive in myself and meditate right now and immerse myself in it more more more!!!

    and what im doing now counts it counts as part of that im in the energy its all energy ive GOT the feel of the energy and i got teh amazing visions

    ohhh joy

    i feel sobbing aganing and i feel blessed

    blessed blessed blessed

    thank you Earth for healing thank you Goddess!!!!

    the Goddess heard me

    i am crying

    ohhh

    this process is amazing!

    embracing accepting what i dont want doesnt mean it will creat e more, or that i allow myself to be abused…

    its more like i surround it with ME and what i want is acceptance

    and then it melts!

    it melts and leaves that joyful JEM stone that is at the heart of it and was covered in pain

    its like loving pain!

    ohhh

    like loving and soothing ane healing on the pain, its not gonna make the pain GROW! no!!!

    its gonna heal it! and then the pain itself is melted into the vibration of healing

    and the pain yeah, it points to where, well, where there is pain!

    and will we ever heall ALL The pain?

    well i dont see why not?

    *because we cant. because we will create more pain. because we have to live in duality and that is this world and without it it wont exist. *

    oh pshoey. i love you nV

    and what if we transcend duality and the world transforms and now we are on level 3?

    we can so do it!

    what about animals that eat animals? or ven eating plants?

    ok i feel stuck on that one you go tme

    im sure it will heal to a gem just like everything else

    what if death no longer feels painful or scary?

    what if were just like oh yay and just keep on living in different forms of transfomring energy which is what we do ANYWAY

    wow that would fee lwonderful *maybe* and im not sure i can really totally imagine that without it feeling rather mechanincal and boring like not being alive at all

    what if we DID heal all the pain,

    and then we discover a secret language that everythings been speaking all along but we couldnt’ hear it because of our pain

    and then its all ok because the animals are actually like “eat me” in that secret language and we are like “oh i feel delighted and honored” and then they are like “me too” and then thats basically whats going on

    and now we can hear that secret language or probably feel it more likely and theres that knowing perceiving understanding attunement

    kinda like the whole male female dynamics and stuff i learned from Rori that i never saw or noticed before but now i notice that ok that one is leaned back, that one’s vibe is like taht and so on and such

    maybe we will hear soul language and the animal is like hey im hurting i dont want to live here will you eat me and im like ohh i would love to help you sure here i will eat u

    maybe it feels wonderful to be eaten!

    maybe im being eaten all the time too! like eaten by the Goddess energy right now

    maye im a big apple that the Goddess decided to bite into because i was screaming in pain and taht just looked so tender and juicy to her and im now being digested in goddess guts and so i have shifted to feeling comfortaed and dleighted and amazed and joyed

    wow

    that is pretty freakin cool

    !!!

    thank you for the blessings!!

    thank you angels

    thank you anyone who reads

    thank you Daria



  180.  #180Mel on August 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Turquoise! I miss you! 🙂 So nice to hear that you’re almost settled. Do you have an anonymous e-mail account?



  181.  #181Jade on August 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Daria:

    so what the FUCH?K are we supposed to do with them then?

    I don’t know, I don’t know…:(



  182.  #182Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:46 am

    T-Girl – that is awesome about your meetup.com for relationships! was it you who organized it or are just hosting it tonite

    my gf and i felt inspired to create one ourselves too!



  183.  #183Jade on August 9, 2011 at 5:48 am

    I just love this song, it confirms everything I’m currently thinking:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Emv3PHoIxTQ



  184.  #184Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:49 am

    Jade – ((hugs!))

    i just riffed through that super intense feeling topic and i feel so comforted and amazed and delighted at the future

    you know im sure they will be ok and be giant (or small) helpful bear types who bring us berries and hug us and build us cute huts and bring us things they think we’ll like and fetch us water and stuff, and of course have sex with us

    and do the *communicating* with other bear types or creatures that we don’t want to be eaten right now thank you



  185.  #185Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:50 am

    maybe they’re more like builder/workers/sexers



  186.  #186Mel on August 9, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Funny you should say that Daria… all of the men showing interest in me lately are in construction, woodworking, contracting, architecture… LOL



  187.  #187Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Am listening to Interview and there is a gift for Rori’s group on his website. He says to go to
    Evan Marc Katz/Rori Raye for whoever might be interested.



  188.  #188Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:59 am

    like say i wanted to do my taxes (ok ideally that would not even be a concept for me but now that i am aware of it say i did)

    and then i felt bored and overwhelmed

    and then i was like hey, look i have taxes to do, and i dont feel too excited about it

    and then hes like, taxes? i love doing taxes for you1 gime that! and then he does the taxes for me (maybe even faster, or maybe 10 minutes longer than it wouldve taken me, maybe double or triple the time) – but the point is, i didnt have to do it myself!!

    i got to do what i LIKED AND feel loved

    AND he got to do what HE LIKED – DOING SOMETHING AND FEELING APPRECIATED AND LIKE HE HELPED ME

    so now everyone is happy yay

    *or maybe we live out in the forest and i am playing with the twin babies and then i see a wolf and the wolf is like hey, do you want to be eaten? – as in looks all salivating and stuff – and im like wow no thank you and i COULD tell him that by picking up a big stick from the fire and shoving it at him but instead Man comes and since he has bigger muscles he more easily picks up stick from the fire and shoves it at him and so tells wolf – No thank you, we really appreciate the energy transformation offer but are not ready to be eaten right now thanks

    maybe not being eaten is really all about managing our energy and we’ve been trying to use our HEADS for it ever since we forgot how to talk that secret heart language that all the rocks and wind and beings talk



  189.  #189Daria on August 9, 2011 at 6:01 am

    maybe the whole healing thing is about getting in tune with the heart and getting in tune to listening/feeling that energy of everything again



  190.  #190Jade on August 9, 2011 at 6:12 am

    WOW Daria, Super Hugs to you too! 🙂

    I just read your intense post (will have to read it again) and it made me smile, laugh, grunt, wonder, sigh, hang my head in shame, frown my already wrinkled forehead and finally, nod in agreement. What you wrote there is totally what I think. I get depressed when I read the news, especially when I hear that Tiger Woods made $37 millions less this year compared to last year. WTF is that? Why do I need to know that? TG is just a loser, money doesn’t equal class. Next!!!!!

    And then I say to myself, Jade, you should surround yourself with light, imagine you are walking in a bubble of bright rays of light. Protect myself, detach myself. For now.

    Why don’t I try that right now?



  191.  #191Mochaberri on August 9, 2011 at 6:14 am

    @ Daria 65 – I do not take your advise as being harsh. I was simply saying that my perception of your sample exchange was he was going to be accusatory and I wanted to clarify that I would more than likely be the one coming across as accusatory when he asks why haven’t I called. I will agree with you that in the beginning of our troubles I was in doormat mode but at this time I am gaining my power back – no longer his doormat because as I stated I no longer feel guilty about my past transgressions – the tables have definitley turned and I am definitely taking care of myself and focusing on me – always that will never change. Also I am not worried about pleasing him in any manner.



  192.  #192T-Girl on August 9, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Daria – I had been to a relationship talk with this meetup group back in June and I told the organizer that I wanted to host one as well. At the last talk, I spoke of feminine/masculine energy and the men were all nodding their heads and the women were looking at me as if I had two heads. 🙂



  193.  #193T-Girl on August 9, 2011 at 6:33 am

    FW – I wonder if the gift is the “5 Massive Mistakes” e-book that is available to everyone?



  194.  #194miskwa on August 9, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Good words Rori:
    Saw someone I had to let go when I finished my first pack burro race this Sunday. Have been feeling sad about my hurting him since and that he gets to move on to someone else and I do not due to a total absence of older, educated, and functional men in this remote region. Made a list of why I let him go such as his extreme conservatism, hatred of my animals, and complete lack of responsibility and no work ethic. Taking care of me, trying to rudimentally CD with the guys (all too young and paired off) here for the 100 mile bike race, painting my house, getting ready for an environmental conference in Aspen in a week. Also giving myself a big pat on the back for sticking to my values and my self sufficiency in light of the financial train wreck that is our nation. I may be alone for the remainder of my years but at least I can grow food and gather/split firewood.



  195.  #195Daria on August 9, 2011 at 6:39 am

    T-Girl – wow you are so brave! thank you for sharing! i feel inspired!

    im gonna start setting up a Rori meetup.com group now, and it would feel fun to set it in action when i come back to california



  196.  #196Daria on August 9, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Jade – writing about it in this way – rather than in my head or in a blamy accusatory mostly thought way – and writing about how i Feel seems to have really healed me!

    ive never, or hardly ever, went THROUGH that red hot feeling before – just got stuck in it!

    i remembe getting into it over and over for days and shaming myself for “being addicted to the drama” and glorifying underdog stuff and etc

    but going for my feelings somehow brought me through it and i feel heart smiling at the visions i saw of peace and healing!

    the NVS that came up were so much easier to identify as NVs when i was writing them! i nmy head they usually go as thoughts and then i get the ‘doom’ feeling and stuck in a loop of the negative helplessness

    i feel amazed that i worked through it here! i still feel afraid a bit – maybe i did have some judgements there and alienated some ? i dono, but it felt amazing overall –

    and i did not even intend a wonderful feeling outcome, i was just feeling so filled with energy and upset and hopeless when i went to bed last nite about this and woke up the same and wanted to say you know what i will write about how i feel dammit

    wow this healing feminine energy stuff is really something

    i don’t really “understand” it all the way and maybe never will or maybe i will i get glimmers sometimes and really i dont have to understand it just feel it and work the magic



  197.  #197Daria on August 9, 2011 at 6:50 am

    miskwa – what kind of paint do u use? i would like to know about healthy happy earth loving paint if you are using that

    also something that helps me:

    when i feel hopeless and down about everything, like i just did and like i feel putting myself in your shoes with your words in your post –

    flipping to what i DO want (and hugging for a moment the thoughts that come up that say its impossible – but moving back to what i DO want)

    starts off a deluge of healing



  198.  #198Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 6:51 am

    RE 193 Maybe. I have not checked it out yet.



  199.  #199Plum on August 9, 2011 at 6:53 am

    A man was calling me from his house in London last evening. He was on his mobile. During the conversation, his son called his land line.
    I heard a few things, typical from a father to his child, and then the man said “I’ll call you back, I am on the phone right now…. Yes, I will be on the phone a good while. I’ll call you when I am finished”

    He took his mobile again and said to me: “It was my son”
    He told me his son was driving back to his apartment in a very nice area, but his way from work includes to drive through the part where the rioters were in action. They attacked his car. In his escape his car bumped onto something on the road, but he went on driving until he felt safe. Then he called his father to ask him how to get to this apartment without crossing these guys again. The thing is the rioters were moving.

    Coincidentally, the man was telling me about the dynamics of these riots right when his son called.

    I said “Is he all right? “ ( I did manage to NOT ask what did he drive over? I hope no being was involved)
    He said “yes but he does not know how to get back to his home and the car is damaged”.
    I know I should have let him do what he wants, but I could not resist, I said “I am letting you go so you can check itineraries on internet. The faster he gets home, the better.”
    Silence
    He said “All right, then, I’ll call you tomorrow”

    I don’t know, may be I should have let him the space to tell me he needed to go to take care of his son, rather than end the convo myself. But I had heard him tell his son that he would attend to his problem later. I felt weird about that, given the situation. I felt the emergency to hang the phone so things could get moving on his side.
    Now that I think of it, it was none of my business. He knows better than me how urgent his life is.

    I am also thinking we hanged the phone at around 20.30 or 21h, last night, I should have emailed around 22h to ask if his son was home safe and sound.
    I never email him or text him or call him. He had emailed me twice at the beginning, to which I did not write back, I told him I forget to check that email box, so he knows I don’t email, his only option to hear from me is to phone me.

    I did not think at all of inquiring about his son’s safety later. I was wishing for the best but did not relate it to an action to let him know I was wishing the best. You know, even if something is wrong, I can’t do much from France. He will tell me tonight.

    Yet I wonder if I am going to email him now to say I wish things got sorted out fine for his family.
    It is 15.52 here which is 14.52 in London.
    Not sure what to do

    xxx



  200.  #200Ella on August 9, 2011 at 7:13 am

    Hey Sirens,

    I have written a couple of new blog posts on my website. One is about my recent experiences of dating and learning to distinguish my NVs from my real emotions, and one is on energy, planning and budgeting.

    If you are interested take a looK:

    http://www.redsirens.co.uk/red-sirens-blog.html

    And if any of you fancy leaving a comment I would LOVE that.

    xoxox



  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 7:17 am

    @143: Wildflower says:
    “…I didn’t offer up alternate days. I hope I’m not being run by my nasty voices but I just figured I’d be blatantly honest but I didn’t want to offer up alternate days. I figured if he really wants to see me he can figure out something…..”

    That’s cool too… and No, you are not being a beeotch… 8)

    xoxo



  202.  #202Daria on August 9, 2011 at 7:22 am

    FW – i tried to go evanmarckatz.com/roriraye but it is not working



  203.  #203Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 7:25 am

    RE 202 Same thing happened to me to too. Got a message that the page is no longer available.



  204.  #204Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 7:27 am

    @142: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    “… If this is your guy’s birthday celebration, did you two make special plans? It seems odd to me that he would cancel that to go out with the guys on his birthday…”

    Yes, a birthday date canceled as described would seem odd and a red flag.

    Your mileage might vary, as will destinations…

    xoxo



  205.  #205Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Evan says your power is in walking away, especially if the relationship that the guy is offering is not what you want.



  206.  #206Mel on August 9, 2011 at 7:36 am

    What should I do with my wedding dress? No kids… so I don’t need to save it for anyone. I’ll never wear THAT wedding dress again. Should I save it? Will I regret giving it away?



  207.  #207Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 7:41 am

    @147: Mel says:
    “…I’m not sure I’m comfortable posting my pic… and so I’m not getting a whole lot of attention…”

    That’s the point of no pic method, to NOT get a lot of attention. Powerful profile required. This is an “alternative” method for women who are mainly looking for committed relationships, usually resulting in marriage. It is meant to cut down on the numbers of men who don’t read profiles and only reply to pics. Results vary of course.

    If you are going for quantity of responses from men, put up the pics from the photo shoot you’ve scheduled and that should solve the problem.

    My own opinion is explore, experiment, test, do what works for me. I’m still exploring… I find CL compelling, perhaps because of the experiences of Mary, Jacqueline and the other siren whose username I can’t recall at the moment. I’m not yet using it… but exploring… 😀

    xoxo



  208.  #208Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 7:43 am

    178 Mel I know what you mean about being the “single” one of all the married friends….I’ve literally lost touch completely with several very close friends after they married and had children.

    They are my facebook friends but don’t even respond when I send them a private message to say hi, how are you, etc., or send an email or call. I mean literally they do not respond. I feel angry at a couple of them and even thought about deleting from FB, but they are lifelong friends and I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
    I guess they must be just busy, but jeez they could at least write back.

    So yes, I’ve made other friends at work and at classes I was taking in the past, who are single and fun. Some of these gals are quite a bit younger than me, in their twenties, not realizing I am 40. LOL!!

    It’s hard to make new friends sometimes though. It took me a while. I was in a relationship before, and when it ended I was like a lone wolf standing on a cliff alone, not sure who I was supposed to talk to anymore or who to trust.



  209.  #209Wildflower on August 9, 2011 at 7:46 am

    Thanks SLV 🙂 I am struggling with wanting to continue CDing and wanting to just take a break for a while. I know Rori has specifically said that one of the best times to be able to express the real you is when you’re not feeling “together” which is definitely right now for me. It’s so hard though because I feel like I’m in limbo here visiting my family and dealing with everything that’s going on with my dad’s illness. I’m not feeling happy and I know that I’m looking to a man for happiness. I don’t want to meet a man and be so “vulnerable” that I’m this depressed, angry freak. On the other hand I’m a big time stuffer. On the other hand isn’t that what relationships are about? Leaning on one another (to some extent). I’m not talking full out codependent but it is nice to be able to talk things out at the end of the day and feel supported. I do miss that about my ex. We had a great relationship in many ways but just couldn’t generate real sexual chemistry for some reason.



  210.  #210Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 7:49 am

    @152: Turquoise

    Glad all is well. Best wishes and hope to read soon your posts under different username. (Change your e-mail too and perhaps use only that one for Rori blog.)

    xoxo



  211.  #211Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:00 am

    @155: Emerson says:
    “…Also….it’s kind of a challege, but I remember Daria suggesting once to put on a flowery/pretty dress, go out where people are and practice leaning back and waterwheel, I’m all that etc….order an iced tea, a coffee, a drink…I know you don’t like bars…but anyway…it’s something I want to try sometime!…”

    My favorite art and design museum schedules events like these too and has added on several extra for the month of August… music and cash bar. So, check out the art museums, join! I go just to enjoy but… you never know… 😀

    Thinking about it now… I might need a flowery/pretty dress… or something…

    xoxo



  212.  #212Mel on August 9, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Good idea SLV! Especially since I love art and design! 🙂



  213.  #213Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:04 am

    RE 209 Wildflower it might help you to see how different man like different women and if they can handle a full out melt down. Aside from that you get to really get in touch with yourself. In the presence of love all kinds of stuff come up. Please the dating gets to be your fun break where you can move from one feeling to the next. All work and no play makes Wildflower a dull girl. Your family will reap some of the rewards because it could help reenergize you.



  214.  #214Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:04 am

    @159: English Woman

    I think that guy was having fun but I’ve seen a few that were funnier and I believe the writers didn’t intend them to be… 😆

    xoxo



  215.  #215Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:06 am

    By the way Wildflower this 1 month guy, I imagine that you might have seen him maybe once a week making it possibly 4/5 dates. As such I would assume in his mind you might still be strangers.



  216.  #216miskwa on August 9, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Daria:
    It’s a low VOC exterior latex paint. A tad more expensive but as Eco-friendly as you are gonna get here. Going for good colors: frames a cool purple and doors/ windows a deep blue. Going to also help out a friend buy taking in one of her donkeys for a fewdays



  217.  #217Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:13 am

    @161: Emerson says:
    “..I don’t know how to do the emoticon face with the googly eyes but that’s what my face is doing after reading that….”

    Maybe : roll : without spaces = 🙄

    😀

    xoxo



  218.  #218Ella on August 9, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Thank you Wildflower

    🙂 xx



  219.  #219Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:15 am

    … or : shock : without spaces = 😯



  220.  #220Sugar n spice on August 9, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Good morning ladies, I really need your help with a situation with my boyfriend. We have been going out for about 4 months, things were moving very slowly as far as seeing each other (only on the weekends) but we talked everyday and were just starting to see each other during the week. Then last Thursday his fathers health took a turn for the worst. He when out of town to be with his father and has been there ever since. We still talk every day. I have been trying to use rori’s tools and think they have been working pretty well for me. He told me he loved me on Saturday when we talk and it felt great to hear. My question is, when he comes back to town, after his father passes, how do I handle it. Do I lean forward more since I know he will need me? Do I wait for him to ask for help, which I know he won’t do? I’ve told him I will be there for him with whatever he needs and he seems happy with that. But I’m just not sure how to act or what to expect now. Please help. Thank you.



  221.  #221Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:18 am

    @162: Emerson

    Clever.

    xoxo



  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:23 am

    @164: Emerson says:
    “…His answer was, whew, even worse. He asked why I don’t have a picture, but I didn’t reply. Meh. Feel sad and bad for him. But nooo thank youuuuu………..”

    LOL Oh, that could be fun! But only if the e-mail would be wonderful if punctuation were added… I’m guessing… no… 😳

    xoxo



  223.  #223Camille on August 9, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Sirens…….
    I am in a situation of falling back into old patterns of over-doing im afraid. I have a question, do you tell them your going to stop doing a certain task or do you just stop doing it without explanation? Or do you stop doing it and then respond if he asks why or complains that you dont anymore which Im almost certain will be the case. And is there a difference between over-doing and being considerate if they ask for something?



  224.  #224Camille on August 9, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Sugar and Spice
    No dont lean forward, dont feel like he needs you and you have to save him. You will fall into the savior ………. nurse mode. I understand you have compassion and want to help him in his time of need. He will come to you. Dont lean forward or your setting yourself up to keep doing it, and over doing for him. I wouldn not. Just my humble opinion.



  225.  #225Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Sugar n Spice hi.

    I would encourage you not to make assumptions about what he will or won’t do. You offered, if he needs it he will let you know. Crisis can help a man to really bond emotionally. Trust him that he will let you know what help he needs if any. A listening ear might be the best medicine at this time.



  226.  #226Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:34 am

    @174: T-Girl says:
    “…Mel…
    … Who knows, maybe they have a bee keepers one!…”

    Or Mel could start one!

    😀

    xoxo



  227.  #227Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Depending on what it is Camille. If he asks for instance and you end up feeling resentful or angry doing it then that is your cue. Share how you feel and maybe what you don’t want to do and what would make you feel better.

    Also what are your old patterns creating. If you feel bad about them, then there is no question that you should just stop. If he asks you can share how you feel. However, the important thing is how you feel.



  228.  #228Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:44 am

    In the letter that comes with the Interviews Rori says that next month Phyllis Chase will be the Interviewee. She will be giving a step by step plan that apparently has helped so many women feel good about themselves that Mr. Right just falls into their laps.

    For whoever might want to opt out of the interviews series. I have seen people ask in the past –

    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/help/cancel-subscription.html



  229.  #229Tmizz on August 9, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Ella – I enjoyed reading your blog, especially the post on NVs masquerading as emotions! I definitely have had that problem, when I can’t be sure if the negative feeling I’m having is really because of something someone said or did, or just because my inner voices are attacking me due to lack of confidence related to what someone said or did. That was a great, honest inquiry to that dynamic. Thanks for posting!



  230.  #230Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:49 am

    More bees…

    … or even get paid for doing it by creating a seminar or series on how to keep bees. Check out the Learning Annex. The “sexy bee lady.”

    Exciting… 😀

    http://www.learningannex.com/contact_us

    xoxo
    SLV
    (bee friend… 😆 )



  231.  #231Tmizz on August 9, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Today: I feel like a rockstar.

    Because I choose to feel like a rockstar.

    Because other people’s opinions do not have to influence what I do.

    They don’t have to influence how I feel.

    My value is determined by ME

    And my choices are MINE



  232.  #232Mel on August 9, 2011 at 8:56 am

    SLV! That’s such a cool idea! 🙂



  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 8:59 am

    @187: Femininewoman says:
    “…Am listening to Interview and there is a gift for Rori’s group on his website. He says to go to
    Evan Marc Katz/Rori Raye for whoever might be interested…”

    Thanks… going to check it out, read newsletter this morning,,,

    😀

    xoxo



  234.  #234Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 8:59 am

    interesting info from an email –

    ” I’m going to use here as an example something we’ve all tried to do at one time or another — and that’s give a man a massage. If you’ve ever tried to give a man a “full,” spa-like,”or “erotic” massage, just a nice little neck “rub,” or simply reached out to touch or stroke him — and got less of a positive reaction than you’d hoped for — these TIPS will help you…

    1. DON’T TRY TO MASSAGE HIS WHOLE BODY.

    Take on one area where he seems to be most
    tense or tight. Observe him — is he grabbing onto his shoulder or rubbing his neck? Or does he keep shaking out his leg? Or maybe he took off his shoes after work and is trying to rub his toes but can’t really get to them the way he wants to.

    2. DON’T TRY TO TURN “GIVING HIM ANY KIND OF
    MASSAGE” INTO SOMETHING EROTIC OR AFFECTIONATE.

    In a sense — you are offering him just one thing: relief. You are offering him body work. You are offering him your hands and your energy to relieve pain and pressure.

    You are NOT trying to create an affectionate
    moment.

    If you DO try to create an affectionate moment
    — you could actually end up doing damage to your
    relationship. (Of course — if HE should suddenly turn affectionate and romantic and you RESPOND to that — that’s great! That’s what you WANT!)

    But it’s very, very important that you have no “agenda” about touching him that could feel to him
    like you WANT something from him. OR — even that
    you want to GIVE something to him…

    In fact the whole idea of “giving” a massage — or ANYTHING — to a man has tremendous danger attached to it.

    Anytime you “give” to a man — you run the risk of appearing maternal and overly nurturing.

    If you couple this with doing a weak job of actually relieving his pain and stiffness — you make it all worse.

    If you’re a woman who naturally gives too much to a man — you need to be very careful about everything you do for him. Otherwise you take a chance of pushing him away or turning him off — just when you want to get most close to him.

    BUT – if you do it right — if you touch him in a way that feels strong, professional, and with no agenda or requirements attached — so he can completely relax in your hands –you will allow him to open up emotionally to you! Without you doing anything emotional at all.

    There are tricks here.

    There are tricks of being “cool” — even though you’re touching him and he’s turning you on.

    There are tricks of staying focused and not chatting about your day while you’re working on his shoulder.

    And there are physical tricks. They are the tools and know-how of massage — which is nothing like the kind of massage most of us women try to do with men. Instead of “Massage,” it’s more like weak strokes. More like “patting” him.

    Or else, we’re way too rough!

    3. LEARN A BIT ABOUT HOW A REAL MASSAGE
    THERAPIST WORKS.

    Learn a bit about the muscles of the body that you’re most likely to work on with him — his shoulders and neck, his lower back, his feet…

    Learn a bit about how to use your hands correctly. There are actually many very specific “strokes” you’ll want to use — depending upon where you’re touching him.

    That’s why it’s so important to know what you’re doing!”



  235.  #235Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 9:05 am

    hhhmm yummy. I think of Ella and English Woman

    http://www.loseweightbydancing.com/
    If you want to know:

    –how to fire up your Pleasure Center through Dance (and specifically learning how to shake your hips and booty!)

    –how Dance helps you love and appreciate your body, your curves, and all of your unique beauty

    –how pleasure is the missing ingredient essential in almost every weight-loss plan

    Then this video is for you!

    LoseWeightByDancing

    I know you will enjoy this as much as I did!

    Patty

    P.S. Studies in Jamaica have documented that confident dancers attract the best partners. Dancing makes you very attractive to other people! Enjoy this sexy satisfying
    benefit!



  236.  #236Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 9:05 am

    @193: T-Girl says:
    “…FW – I wonder if the gift is the “5 Massive Mistakes” e-book that is available to everyone?..”

    hmmm, I guess I just have to go and find out… even if so I love to see someone promote. It excites me…. heh heh heh 😆

    xoxo



  237.  #237Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 9:10 am

    RE 232 Combining your two passions. Do what you love and the money will come.



  238.  #238Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 9:15 am

    @209: Wildflower

    Maybe thinking of dates as socializing, having fun, meeting new people… etc without pressure to “find the one” might keep you happy? Have fun…

    xoxo



  239.  #239Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Chickies
    quick hello….full work day to day for me!
    Plum …thank you for your long post earlier on in the 100s….loved the message there of not doing pick up the slack dance….

    EW loved your dancing in the streets (aka country lane) to Billie Jean……awesome

    Dark clouds here today and rain…..outside…..inside it’s all good. I loved the work Rori posted on Byron Katie’s stuff…..also great…….

    there’s so much out there to choose from to help us find our way………..feels great!

    xo



  240.  #240Plum on August 9, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Patricia

    You are welcome 🙂

    xxx



  241.  #241Plum on August 9, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Daria 105

    You are welcome 🙂

    xxx



  242.  #242Camille on August 9, 2011 at 9:55 am

    FW-Thank You!
    Maybe if its not asking to much of you….you could help me work through this pattern. T is my ex that came back and we decided to reconcile when he first came back I was so “sireny” it worked beautifully (although I hadnt fount Rori’s work so I was doing it naturally). After a year of him treating me like I have always dreamed a man would. We moved back in together….now it seems the pattern has begun. Hes became less and less attentive and I have begun doing more and more. Some specific things……..hes adimant that his laundry be done by Sat. (I complied thinking thats not too much to ask) Me and my two children do everything in the house as far as cleaning etc. and we even have started doing a few things differently because he like a clean environment. I have dinner for him most nights when he comes home from work. (Me and the kids always had dinner together at that time previous to him moving in) But the biggie that bothers me is He asks that I go to bed with him ( he goes to bed early like 830 or 900) because he gets up so early) I, myself am a night person. It kills me to go to bed that early, but I have done it because in a discussion we had he said that if we went to bed early it gave us a)time to talk b)time to be intimate c) he doesnt get woke up when I come in later after hes sleeping. So I have been giving it a true heartfelt effort but, I just lie there awake while he sleeps………we dont talk anymore………rarely make love……..and I lie there “thinking” about all of the things and the painting I could be doing? Any thoughts I saw this happen previously when we were married and I dont want it to happen again……want to take action now!



  243.  #243Camille on August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Any other sirens please feel free to “pipe in” I welcome your thoughts and advice……..in fact I’m begging for it! LOL



  244.  #244Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 10:05 am

    243 Camille

    I wonder if you look at your response to another siren in 224….

    “dont lean forward, dont feel like he needs you and you have to save him. You will fall into the savior ………. nurse mode. I understand you have compassion and want to help him in his time of need. He will come to you. Dont lean forward or your setting yourself up to keep doing it, and over doing for him.”

    I can’t help wonder if there are clues to your own situation with your fellow’s requests…..?

    xo



  245.  #245Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Camille I am wondering if you have spoken your feelings to him around doing these things? Before I comment could you read your words in 242 back to yourself to see what comes to mind?



  246.  #246Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Fear, fear, of what happened in the past
    happening again.

    I know alot of this stems from letting him move in with us……….it just seemed the thing to do because we had been married before, Im trying to be Sireny even though I have made a mistake by moving him in.

    I find it hard to decide between what is doing for him and what are the normal things I would normally do if he were there or not.

    I feel confusion…….and Im wondering what happened what did I do that changed him. Im certain its overdoing but I feel fear if I stop he will condemn me….thats what it is.

    Thank you all! This is helping me so



  247.  #247Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:14 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/how-to-turn-him-into-a-good-husband-and-a-better-father/#respond

    In that place where he’s most vulnerable, when he knows he messed up, is the place he is the most approachable.
    Men are predictable in this way – when we know we messed up we are very poor at knowing how to fix it, so we are open to hearing you.
    It’s at this point that you have a decision to make. That is the decision to express your feelings, your needs, and your frustrations, in a way that doesn’t blame or accuse him. If you choose to lash out and treat him as badly as he’s treated you, you will compound the problem.

    From Rori:
    The amazing thing to notice about Jeffrey’s answer is that he, as a man and a long-time personal coach, has the exact same answer I would give – only with a man’s “energy” coming through in a very firm way – he’s very, very clear about a man’s behavior – and what’s so powerful for me is that he’s saying men KNOW what they’re doing.
    They KNOW when they’re being jerks, or “messing up.”
    It’s like they ASSUME they will do these “boorish” things.



  248.  #248Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:15 am

    “So I have been giving it a true heartfelt effort but, I just lie there awake while he sleeps………we dont talk anymore………rarely make love……..and I lie there “thinking” about all of the things and the painting I could be doing”

    Camille,

    So if he’s not holding up his end of the bargain (cuddling, intimacy, talking), and you are feeling resentful of doing this… I would say to stop.

    If he asks, say that you are feeling wide awake and inspired to paint. 😉



  249.  #249Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Well Camille this might come across harsh but when I read your post initally what came to mind, especially the adamant part, was this sounds like hired help, not a romantic relationship. Why are you there? What does your ideal relationship look like? Does he know? He might be living his ideal life but what about you?



  250.  #250Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 10:17 am

    He might be in a place where he may criticize (or condemn as you say) no matter what you do……

    your self worth is about doing what you need to do for you, not making it dependent on what someone else(him) is doing and avoiding conflict in hopes he will approve and in turn give you a green light that you’re ok……he’s off the hook……. and so are you…….

    it’s a hard habit to break when we focus on another’s behaviour and happiness as a way to gauge where we should be….that’s co dependence as they say……and leads to controlling relationships, resentment….oh total yuk.

    our happiness, self love, comfort zone, lifestyle, stress free day is up to us to shape…………



  251.  #251Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Mel/Camille but I am naive, but if he is asleep why would I not be able to go do what I want?



  252.  #252Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:18 am

    RE 251 I meant maybe I am naive!!



  253.  #253Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:19 am

    RE 250 Yep.



  254.  #254Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Thanks Mel! Ill try that FM on him……..I have this weird fear in my guts about waking him up? He has gotten so grumpy and pissy when hes gets woke up. And he has stated to me that as much as he works it would be considerate and respectful if I could at least let him get his rest in his own home. Those words haunt me when I want to get up and leave the room.
    (I tell myself well thats not to much to ask, when we are talking about it) Im having trouble differentiating between what is repecting him and what is respecting me…………thought I was trying to pick my battles but it certainly must not feel good to me or I wouldnt be writing about it?



  255.  #255Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:21 am

    FW:
    I suppose he may ask if he wakes up, or if she just doesn’t come to bed with him.



  256.  #256Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:22 am

    “I could at least let him get his rest in his own home” this does not sound like a team or we mindset.

    Are you contributing anything financially to the household?



  257.  #257Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Mel I would deal with that if he wakes up. Not before.



  258.  #258Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:23 am

    FW ………….. thats exactly how I feel! His response to me saying that to him is……….it wakes him up when I come back in the room later and he cant go back to sleep and (what I wrote previously to Mel)

    (Riffing)
    now im pissed
    who the hell tells any grown woman what time she will sleep and when she wont?

    but I do want to respect him
    and his rest

    HE does work very very hard
    6 days a week
    10-12 hours a day

    he is tired

    am I respecting him
    or making excuses for him?



  259.  #259Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Could you do your getting ready for bed in another bathroom (not master bathroom) so that you’re not disturbing him and can just slip into bed unnoticed whenever you feel like it?



  260.  #260Plum on August 9, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Mel 31

    ***He’s super nice, but I’m not really attracted to him. Would that be leading him on? I feel uncomfortable when I know someone likes me, but I’m not feeling it. Maybe this is what I need to practice though!  ***

    Definivetely, you need to practice with as many as you can. The sky sent to you this first man to have a first beautiful experience.
    You need to be paid attention and to be taken care of. I would allow good manners and warm attention to enter my life when they bang at my door. Go enjoy this boat ride, don’t make up stories, take it as it is : a boat ride.

    Guys know you don’t promess to give them your life, you are only accepting a date.
    He wants to enjoy the day a bit better with the company of a charming smiling human being, this is better than being alone, and it is a change from the male company he might be used to. It is called sharing good time, enjoying human beings’ company, practicing at being a good male for a nice female. He does not promess to you marriage and you don’t promess to love him or to become his mistress.
    He says “Would you like a ride on my boat?” You say “I would love it, thank you”
    he he he
    Don’t see anything else into it.
    Don’t make up expectations in men’s mind 😉

    If he wants to kiss you, you will allow it or not, you are free to do as you wish, it will depend how you feel at the moment.
    Don’t worry about it now, he might even not try to kiss you. He might become a precious friend, you don’t have too many where you live.

    As for the attraction factor, I am sure you know the theory that chemistry at first sight is a red flag.

    xxx



  261.  #261Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 10:24 am

    “let him get his rest in his own home? ”

    hmmmmmm sounds like there may be some attitude of male privilege going on….aka “man is the king of his castle, woman serves man……man rules the kingdom……..

    and Camille it sounds like on some level you are afraid of him



  262.  #262Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Exactly, FW. If he woke up, I would just say I’m feeling wide awake and really felt inspired to paint ____.



  263.  #263Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:26 am

    RE 261 Yeah the energy behind the words feel so fearful I feel my heart and my body shaking. Camille is there something else that you have not dealt with?



  264.  #264Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Yes I contribute I have a full time job and then I paint murals on the side and have two children that I recieve child support for………

    Thats seems to be an issue with him also……..when we were married I just painted murals…….so my schedule was incredibly flexible. IT ISNT ANY MORE.
    I work m-f 8-5 and then am trying to get my painting business re-established but I dont want to give up my job quite yet. It would be his preference that I quit my job and let him be totally financially responsible, but Im having a hard time letting go of that independence because when men have left me before I have had to dig myself out of a hole, and I like knowing im OK whether or not they are there.



  265.  #265Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Thanks Plum!



  266.  #266Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:27 am

    See 247 Men know when they are being jerks.



  267.  #267Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I may have some un-resolved fear from another man who was physically abusive and I went through a period of trying not to make him angry. Im a non-confrontational person by nature so I try not to piss people off. (hmm we may be on to something here)

    T is not nor has ever been abusive. But I have been in an abusive relationship years ago before my children……….maybe some old stuff



  268.  #268Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Patricia,
    I agree……..he does posess a sense of male priviledge with certain things at this time………he has also been very much “you are my queen” but I feel it all shifting. And I know its me…….its happened before



  269.  #269Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Yeah and maybe some is coming out so he feel judged by it. I also sensed in 264 that you might be blocking some of the love he wants to give. Camille it sounds to me like you need to get very clear on what you are feeling and share it as best you possibly can. Seems like you are dying inside and need to take care of that fear for him to be able to connect with you.



  270.  #270Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Re 266

    “Men know when they are being jerks.”

    They sure do! The other night, he was being jerky to me and I said “I don’t want to be talked to in that way. I deserve to be treated with respect.” He then accused me of trying to make him feel guilty.

    I said “Um… I’m only responsible for my own feelings, not for yours.”



  271.  #271Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Wow, I agree FM…….I dont think I realized this was in here……….buried real deep. We have definitely touched a nerve I feel so sad right now on the verge of tears……



  272.  #272Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 10:37 am

    “It would be his preference that I quit my job and let him be totally financially responsible”

    Camille it’s also possible you’ve attracted another man of the same thread (with your history of abuse)….perhaps on a more subtle level……when a man wants and needs power and control in a relationship these are the things you hear them say (as in quotes above)………it’s classic stuff dolly.

    Through your posts though I sense a strength about you……..how to feed that in you…………..

    xo



  273.  #273Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Mel I am not a pro at this and want this to come across as gentle. I would take out the “deserve” statement as he might take it as you telling him you deserve respect from “him” and might feel motivated to punish you by withholding the respect.

    I would say “I respect myself too much to tolerate being spoken to like that”.



  274.  #274Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Go ahead and cry Camille. Tears are healing. Maybe after you go through your sadness you will find your anger that could help you find your voice.



  275.  #275Mel on August 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Thanks FW. I didn’t mean by him, necessarily. Just that in general I deserve to be treated with respect (just like any other human being). But I like your way of wording it much better!



  276.  #276Plum on August 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

    95: faith

    You are welcome 🙂

    xxx



  277.  #277Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Mel I know what you meant but we don’t know what he heard when you said that. It is just that I have read something about not telling men what we deserve and from my experience I will never do it again. Also thinking of how Rori says to bring back things to ourselves and talk about ourselves wording it that way is what I find is working for me now.



  278.  #278Camille on August 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Patricia,
    I would hope that I havent………I have had a marriage since the abuse with my childrens father and alot of learning and healing since I admit though in these posts T does sound controlling. I dont feel he try’s to control me as much as he has pretty concrete ideas about gender roles. He is my biggest fan and encouragement for my painting though. Its not that he doesnt want me to work and be home but he thinks im wasting my talent. by working at my job.



  279.  #279Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Camille what was his parents relationship like?



  280.  #280Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Some women are abused and they might not have been if they had recognized “abusive” when it first knocked at the door.

    #242: Camille
    “..Me and my two children do everything in the house as far as cleaning etc. and we even have started doing a few things differently because he like a clean environment. I have dinner for him most nights when he comes home from work…”
    #264: Camille says:
    “…Yes I contribute I have a full time job and then I paint murals on the side and have two children that I recieve chil
    #242: Camille says:
    I just lie there awake while he sleeps………we dont talk anymore………rarely make love……..and I lie there “thinking” about all of the things and the painting I could be doing?

    I don’t wish to be harsh but in situations like these my mother would say… “she’d be better off without him but she doesn’t seem to know it…”

    I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. Perhaps he moved in again before everything was worked out to your liking; he seems to be OK with it and might not have motivation to change. Why would he? He was free housekeeper and cook who supports herself and provides sex on his schedule.

    If you give up your job and financial independence and continue as you are, I suspect you will come to know true fear.

    I’d ask him to leave. (How is it “his home” more than yours?) Perhaps you could work things out before he moves in the next time. Or you could find someone else who better recognizes your worth.

    xoxo



  281.  #281Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Also Camille please also bear in mind that your kids are learning life lessons from what they are experiencing.



  282.  #282Susan on August 9, 2011 at 11:49 am

    RE: 206: Mel

    One possible use for a wedding dress is to give it to a local theater group that could use it on stage. Just a thought!



  283.  #283Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 11:55 am

    RE 206 I meant to say I doubt you will regret giving it away. To save it for someone it has to be properly stored and preserved.



  284.  #284Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 12:25 pm


  285.  #285Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm


  286.  #286Camille on August 9, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Hmmm thanks for all of your insight……I can see your point, Maybe it is so. Bear in mind I am only telling you the things that cause me frustration. I havent mentioned the things he does that I like and make my life easier. He has had in the recent past all of the qualities I want in a man …things have just gradually changed in the past 8 months which leads me to believe (after reading Rori’s stuff) that its what I am doing. Maybe its my belief that marriage is a compromise and I have listed the things which he would like to compromise on. I think I have inadvertantly turned into overdoing because me and the kids have always kept the house clean and I have always had dinner at a certain time each night for family time etc., even when a man wasnt there..so I just let him “fit” into our schedule and I think he feels like I do it for him? I would do that regardless. I am trying to find a balance of taking care of my family without over doing and pushing him away.

    I may be wrong according to the comments here and maybe I should get clear if hes controlling, but I feel like hes a good man. He is very generous with his money and contributes to the household financially anything fun or extra we all do he pays for. He suggested I put the childrens child support in a savings account for each one. He buys gifts like massages, flowers etc for me. He is very supportive and contributes to my childrens activites. (They are not his children). He has been in the past a prince. He isnt like I have posted every day these are just the things I find bothersome lately and Im trying to heal a pattern, I can really relate to Rori when she tells her story of her husband being wonderful then it going to hell after about two years, but it was worth working at. I feel like that. I dont think hes a horrible man or a bad choice for me, I am not trying to complain about his behavior or defend him just hoping with a little more information, someone could help me with the situation.



  287.  #287Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    @159: English Woman says
    “…There is one on OKcupid who is dressed like a clown and he has all this stuff about squirty flowers and little cars, etc. Either a bored young guy or a nutjob LOL!!..”

    Oh, yes. The little darlings. Here’s another one… I’m practicing being surprised…
    Maybe he’s one of Emerson’s guy’s crew… not much punctuation here either. The “equal opportunity” was a nice touch…
    ====================
    I seek for a blind date to go lunch have a nice chat and have some fun – m4w – 80
    ———————————————I seek for a blind date to go lunch have a nice chat and have some fun maybe sex or maybe just a bj all on me and a helping hand for you.



  288.  #288Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Camille,

    I wasn’t going to comment since I don’t feel that I am as Sireny as others here, but I was thinking there had to be good too or else you wouldn’t want to work at it. I am reconsidering a relationship in which my ex lived with me along with both of our sets of children. I asked him to leave 6 months ago because I felt like I was the mother to not 2 children, not even4 children,but 5 because I was doing it all and got no respect. I fear being in a similar situation but know that this man is worth trying to make it work for.



  289.  #289Camille on August 9, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Ice Princess, I too am a fledging siren. But I really have noticed the tools working in certain areas and I want to learn more. I can relate to how hard it is to find someone that is good with your children and when you do its truly a “blessing” ………I really believe as Rori has mentioned its so easy for us because of our “women programming” to start out great and fall into “over doing.” I am trying to put into practice “leaning back” and “just being” but I also thinks that is difficult to do when you have been single and are used to doing “everything” on your own.



  290.  #290Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    RE 286 Well Camille only you really know best because you are living the situation. The difference I see though is that Rori says her husband was always a good guy and that she needed to stop focussing on pleasing him and picking up the slack in the relationship. Yours seem to issues with boundaries and I am wondering if you should read the article again on Doormat Puppy Dog to see if there are any commonalities with your story.



  291.  #291Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    I have changed so many patterns between LP and me by just using feeling messages and the way I react to things. I wonder if you just told him that you didn’t feel tired but you did want to spend time with him if that would help? I don’t know.



  292.  #292Camille on August 9, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    I am just getting the gist of feeling messages. And the other day when I was very aware. It worked great! I think I just have more learning to do.

    FW Thank you and I agree, but I think he has boundary issue because I have not been good in the past about setting up my boundaries. After reading Rori’s material I am great at all this naturally when I am not in a committed relationship. Its when I commit I fall back into old patterns and the relationship starts to change. Its so hard to find the fine lines when you are actually in a family, committed situation for me anyway.

    Ice Princess….I am so glad you commented!



  293.  #293Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    I’m glad you posted your situation! I don’t feel so alone in my situation. 🙂



  294.  #294Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Ice Princess… I also feel like being single and a mother sets a woman up to “over do” and not be loving and caring about herself. Its our nature to put the kids first. I am having a bit of a time letting go of all of my independence and control which I got very used to living as a single mom for three years and just dating. When your a single mom you are responsible and must take care of everything, so your “boy” takes over. I know that that is part of the problem, My boy has been so strong, Ive let my “girl” fall way way back into the background.



  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    RE 294 That’s me too Camille but with commitment things can change.



  296.  #296Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Yeah, I have been divorced for 6 years and only lived with Lp for a little over a year and I kind of took over everything except for the cooking….I am not even sure that is what he wanted because he told me the other day that he is so much more independent now and knows he can do it on his own. My concern, if I do decide to let our famil come back, is that he wants me to be in charge of all the finances which I would le but I know that is very boy and I don’t want to feel like I am controlling what he is spending on.



  297.  #297Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    IP……….perfect example of what I’m feeling. I feels like he wants to step up and be “the man” sometimes and my boy wont let him and I end up pushing him away. Thats what I meant by he would “prefer” he doesnt insist, but he would gladly take on the financial role of the house, but Im having a difficult time relinquishing that. I have gotten so used to being my boy, that Im hanging onto it for dear life LOL. I got a suggestion once from a life coach to have 3 accounts “yours” “his” and ours. You put a designated amount of money in the ours account which pays for your monthly expenses. Then you have yours and he has his and you dont feel your controlling each others free spending. I havent tried it yet.



  298.  #298Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    I like the three accounts. Seems that would solve the problem of parties feeling like they don’t have freedom to buy little things that they want.



  299.  #299Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    I guess thats the part where FM’s come in. I have been a terrible communicator in the past. Maybe if I start using FM’s our communication will improve which in my own opinion at this particular time could change everything. I have a hard time saying what I want………I try to just go with the flow………but thats one thing about feeling messages I dont feel demanding or bitchy when I communicate what I want with them. But I have a hard time staying in that 24/7 and dealing with day to day life living with a man.



  300.  #301Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Camille you can always build in a pause. Rori has an article about the relationship pause. When you are not clear on what you want to say it is okay to let him know you are not sure what you are feeling or how to say and you will let him know later. Or ask for a time out to go get clear and feel your feelings, then come back.



  301.  #302Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/the-power-of-pause-instant-relationship-help/

    Practice
    • Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
    • Begin to focus on your breathing.
    • Notice, without judgment, the length of your inhalation and the length of your exhalation.
    • Sense the breath coming in through your nose and mouth, and imagine it filling every cell in your body with new life and new possibility.
    • Sense the breath moving out and taking with it everything that is past and no longer needed.
    • Now, pay special attention to the end of each exhalation.
    • Notice the moment when the breath pauses, just before the next inhalation occurs.
    • Feel into that gap.
    • Let the breath dissolve into space.
    • Can you allow yourself to surrender into the unknowable – the ocean of possibility?
    Next time you’re in a stressful moment, and feel compelled to react in a familiar and habitual way, bring your awareness to the pause at the end of your exhalation.
    Ask yourself, “What might happen if I let go of everything I know into this space? Now what do I choose?”



  302.  #303Ella on August 9, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Sirens I am feeling a bit confused about some of the Rori stuff, some questions have come up for me and it would feel great to throw it out there and see what Sirens think.

    It is to do with leaning forward versus leaning back, over functioning and feminine v masc energy.

    I am just wondering if in reality the roles need to be so clearly defined?

    At the moment I am looking around and all around me I am seeing relationships.

    None of the women in these relationships know Rori tools and yet the relationships appear to be working well with both partners content.

    It looks to me as though the partners flow in and out of the masc/fem roles, and actually the women are tending to be the ones leaning forward, or it is 50/50.

    The men are attracted to them and the relationships appear to be working well.

    Admittedly they are quite new relationships but the men are comitted and loving to the women.

    Maybe not for marraige yet, but they are not going to cheat and they certainly seem to be open to staying with that person.

    My housemate and his current girlfriend are one example.

    She has basically done every kind of overfunctioning there is.

    And yet he is really into her.

    I was talking to him the other day and he was sayinig how nice it felt to be ‘looked’ after. And he says she is a strong woman and he expresses admiration for her.

    Ok so I wouldn’t exactly say that he woos her… but he gives her a lot of love, he is committed, they support each other, have loads of fun and lots of sex. He is attracted to her.

    I don’t know I just feel confused. I mean ALL the relationships I see involve some amount of lean forward from each partner.

    I guess I am asking whether it is actually realistic or actually works in practice when the woman is completely lean back?

    I know my own personal overfunctioning has not worked or felt good in relationships in the past… and I am also unsure whether a certain amount of lean forward is not actually required in the beginning?

    Certain men I have dated have taken my leanback as lack of interest.

    Sirens?



  303.  #304Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    FW…….Thank You SOOO MUCH…I think that will help me immensely when Im trying to thing of how to express myself with FM’s and I just want to fall into telling him what I “think”. I do that alot say what I think……….its a head butter thats for sure. I catch myself doing that with CDing also



  304.  #305Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Ella…………how long have they been dating?



  305.  #306Ella on August 9, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Also how does it work with bi-sexual partners?

    J was bi-sexual.

    If he is bi-sexual maybe he wants to be the fem one, or at least some of the time.

    I know there are relationships where the man is the fem one and the woman the masc one… and I know often it doesn’t work, well in my case, because I start to feel insecure and frustrated when the man doesn’t call often, plan dates, initiate sex or whatever.

    But taking my housemates as an example… they both initiate sex… and they both call each other…

    I am feeling uncertain about whether expecting such clearly defined roles is realistic?

    I mean aren’t people just people, and a mixture of masc and fem in different areas?

    For example maybe the man likes cooking for the woman but she initiates more sex.

    What do Sirens think?



  306.  #307tinque on August 9, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Ella – Once you are in an exclusive relationship, there will indeed be more flow, more of the what you might perceive as leaning forward.

    But the overall balance of the relationship will tend to be more leaned back in receiving mode, especially when it comes to the love/affection/sex part.

    When learning how to be different within self, life, love since most of us have been way overfunctioning most of our lives, leaning back is essential to help change habits which have often been very well ingrained.

    And even in the early stages or a relationship, leaning back is important. It’s necessary to establish the dynamic of him leading/rowing the boat and you receiving/leaning back.

    As I said in the beginning, once the foundation is there, there’s more room for fluidity.

    Even so, though I do “take care” of certain things because for one I have more time and for another, I tend to me more on top of things, and he tends to procrastinate. I DO NOT do anything if I feel any kind of resentment.

    In most other areas, he still leads. I may initiate sex a lot, especially during stressful times for him, but once that fire has been lit, he takes over naturally, organically, and I allow it. I allow to give to me, pleasure me. He gets far more pleasure from this than anything else.

    Is this making better sense?

    xxoo



  307.  #308Corin on August 9, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    EW- Thank you for the concern! Yes I’m in the UK. It’s all going a bit crazy with the looting and violence. It’s been interesting to learn how close a line it is between feeling safe and unsafe.

    However, as a Siren I’ve been turning this into a dating and Siren- skill opportunity.

    Ex got in contact last night and had a really great text covo with me allowing myself to be more vulnerable, telling him I had a cry and appreciating him for showing concern that I was OK. I have been doing some of the work Rori writes about in this ariticle and realising how fully I contributed to the problems in our relationship and why I ended it. I convinced myself I was leaning back because I never initiated communication, never went to his home, very rarely planned dates etc. However if I’m honest with myself, inside I was totally leaning forward constantly. I was thinking about when we would see each other next, feeling lonely and not trying to cheer myself up because I saw it as his repsonsibility to come over and do so and on and on. It’s really sad but also freeing to admit this.

    I wish I hadn’t ended things or that there was a way to invite ex into my circle of CDing. He suggested we stay together when we ended things but I have no idea if he would be open to it now. Do Sirens think even considering reconciliation is leaning forward and it would be better to totally lean back, be open and emotionally vulnerable when he does contact and leave it at that? I think I’m answering my own question here!

    What speeches could Sirens recommend to express that I still have feelings and would be open to date him again but not exclusively? I also want to let him know the work I’m doing on myself but that is also leaning forward. I’m geting myself back into that place again! OK, leaning back, loving me, loving the growth I am experiencing xxx



  308.  #309Ella on August 9, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Say for example with J, I was quite in masc role… but it was changable… like he contacted first, then I contacted him. I drove to get him. At least once I initiated sex.

    Then he approached most on the clubbing night out. Offered to buy me drinks. And he came to me to see me at my house.

    But he asked me if I would call him. And I said no.

    Granted I did not feel totally secure dating him… like I did not know for def that he was really into me… but given time surely a person would become secure about this, when the relationship carried on.

    What if the woman is totally confident and secure? Then would the leaning forward still put a man off?

    Does it put all men off or just the super masc ones?

    And does he value you more if you have not leant forward?

    But that doesn’t work if it never happens because he thinks I am not interested. Can my leaning back be taken as not interested? And does it matter if he is really attracted?

    I apologise for so many questions. Its just this is what is coming up for me right now and I am feeling curious and also doubtful about stuff.

    Although I beleive in Rori stuff I want to be authentic and ask the questions I have.

    Sirens?



  309.  #310Plum on August 9, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    A relationship expert who feels raw after his recent break up tries to share his experience on his talk show and cries

    http://www.blubrry.com/player/?e=1111154&p=9091

    xxx



  310.  #311Camille on August 9, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Ella,
    I don’t know alot of things and Im definitely not a full fledged Siren, but just a thought for you to compare people. . . . I have found in my past and being with men that overfunctioning seemingly works out great initially, men will have and have even stated to me thats what they love….male friends I have have complained about their girlfriends not doing certain things. So from that and other stuff………I in the past overfunctioned in all of my relationships early on. It does seem to work and they seem to love you for it (inititally) Then they start to fall away, take you for granted and eventually disappear for a while. It has happens numerous time to me in my life. Thats why I asked for my own curiosity also how long they were dating. Overfunctioning seems kind and considerate and loving and “so in love” Id do anything for him. But for me it has always turned out exactly as Rori has described will eventually happen. ??????I dont know food for thought. Just my experience……………I hope I am not talking too much today



  311.  #312Ella on August 9, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Camille

    My housemates have been together for 3 months. There was a very short time of dating at the beginning, about 3 weeks, in which she leant forward A LOT.

    He moved her in after about 1 1/2 months… partly due to her circumstances (she needed somewhere to live).

    He had only been broken up from his ex about 1 month.

    But they seem really happy and they say they love each other.

    I want them to work & be happy… and I still feel confused as it so flies in the face of Rori teachings.

    The other couples I have in mind have been dating for a few months…



  312.  #313Ella on August 9, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Tinque,

    yes it does make more sense… but these are people who are still new to each other.

    What I am saying is the women are overfunctioning and yet the relationships seem happy.

    I don’t know how they will pan out long term…



  313.  #314Daria on August 9, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Mel – hope this helps:

    ‘I said “Um… I’m only responsible for my own feelings, not for yours.”

    here’s where the communication shut down… you felt defensive –

    and then you attacked him with those words (yes that is an attack)

    ***

    instead you can try:

    ‘wow… im feeling defensive/misunderstood/angry… and i dont like feeling this way’

    if he attacks you again – leave the room



  314.  #315Camille on August 9, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Ella, I dont want to be negative at all but I think youll see the effects of overfunctioning in the near future. I have had very happy overfunctioning relationships (very short term) it’s how it effects the relationship over time



  315.  #316Ella on August 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Camille re 311

    No please… talk away 🙂

    That is my experience too… that when I have overfunctioned the man has become ‘lazy’ after a while, or his interest in me has kinda sapped down with time…

    And ultimately the relationship has broken down. Sex has stopped, he has stopped initiating dates, sex etc… I have felt unloved and not cared for.

    I have become resentful and complained, and the relationship has broken down.

    That is my experience.

    But all the time there are all these women around overfunctioning all the men seem to just go for that…



  316.  #317Ella on August 9, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    What about the bi-sexual issue?

    Or gay couples?

    I feel very curious about this?

    What happens to the masc/fem roles with bi-sexual people?

    And what happens if you get a mismatch ie: both would prefer to be fem.

    And can fem energy men ever step up into masc energy, and would it work for them, or are they just simply not for a Siren?

    There seem to be so many fem energy men out there…



  317.  #318Daria on August 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Ella – Rori says men love to be in an exclusive relationship because it is convenient for them… but will not necessarily marry that woman



  318.  #319Camille on August 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Ella………that is a great question……and I agree with you that there seems to be more men with fem energy ………….but I have no idea how that all works I am curious about your question now too



  319.  #320English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    #199 Plum

    As you are in France and this man was in my country what did you think or feel about the Abraham youtube on LDR’s?



  320.  #321Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    @286: Camille says:
    “…I am not trying to complain about his behavior or defend him just hoping with a little more information, someone could help me with the situation…”

    I don’t know if Rori is taking write in questions for posting her articles on the blog; she posted about some changes in her schedule and activities a few months ago. But I think you can still try contacting her by e-mail at melanie@coachrori.com

    😀

    xoxo



  321.  #322Daria on August 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    in gay couples there is still a polarity and one partner is primarily one energy and the other primarily another energy

    all men are wired to some extent to be in masculine energy and serve women – even gay men will have this instinct



  322.  #323English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    #214 SLV

    I know, it feels mean but I was not laughing WITH him, but AT him thinking Who the hell wants to be a clown……..except a clown…….:-D



  323.  #324Corin on August 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Ella,

    David Deida writes in The Way of The Superior man that there needs to be a masc/ fem divide but that it does not matter which person takes which role. I also believe there can be some general balancing between the couple as they both switch but there needs to be a balance. For example, going into masc and then resenting it will never work. Or going into masc and then resenting the man for responding by going into fem.



  324.  #325Ella on August 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Tmizz re 229

    Thanks. I feel pleased you enjoyed it.

    And I would like to encourage you to post comments on my blog also.

    It would feel GREAT to get some comments about what I write.

    xoxoxo



  325.  #326English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    #235 FW

    Why thank you!! I have been trying to get to Zumba since last week but my super busy new job is preventing it, staying back after work and all that. 🙁

    However I went to Weight Watchers tonight and have lost a few more pounds with my points and regular exercise so a loss of 10 and a 1/2 pounds in 6 weeks is good for me 🙂



  326.  #327English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    #242 Camille

    God knows I am no expert here but you seem to be doing everything the complete opposite to Rori’s teachings………………..tooooo much leaning forward and rowing the boat from somebody who is an Olympics athlete at rowing the boat. 😀



  327.  #328Ella on August 9, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Daria re 318 (& other Sirens)

    I get that bit… but if the woman is getting everything else, except marriage, and he is totally committed, then does it matter whether he would marry her or not?

    And also I have seen it where the couple are together and he is sure he doesn’t want marriage, but then when push comes to shove, he does change his mind and agree to marry the woman.

    This happened with my step brother and his g,friend recently.

    They have a good relationship too.

    I am just exploring here.



  328.  #329Corin on August 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Has anyone else had an experience when CDing someone they weren’t particularly attracted to, that no longer trying to ‘get’ the person because they wanted them so much means they have waaaaay stronger honesty, boundaries etc?

    I’m thinking this is probbaly the whole point of dating people we don’t have massive chemistry with and feeling embarassed that the penny has only just dropped.

    I like him. I enjoy his company but at the same time, if he dissappears I will be totaly cool with it. That feels great.

    He was making sexual type comments and it felt yukky. If I was attracted to him I would have been trying to ‘get’ him to like me by playing the sexual vixen card. Instead I simply told him I felt uncomfortable going there. His response was that he never wants me to feel comfortable but that he wants me to have fun and enjoy him. Wow, I feel like I’m really learning.



  329.  #330Camille on August 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    English Woman……..You are an except because I was…I only found Roris’ stuff a few weeks ago and am just now starting to learn the techniques and put my tools to work. I have dont the exact opposite and that is why I am in the situation I am in. Thats why I believe hes not a horrible abusive man. But I have made the relationship that way by being the “boy” When I was posting earlier I was stating the mistakes I have made and where Im “stuck” in old patterns that are not my best interest and are not Rori’s way. I am learning to be a Siren I am certainly not there yet and have a long way to go, but I am excited I found her material.



  330.  #331English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    #287 SLV

    LOL LOL LOL!! You gotta laugh or you would just cry……..:-D



  331.  #332kdr on August 9, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    @134 – Wildflower: you wrote “I know Rori says don’t make dates with girlfriends that you can’t break . . .”

    It really surprises me that Rori said this. What was the context? Was Rori suggesting that it is fine (or even a good idea) to break a date with a girlfriend to see a man? It sounds counter to her CDing philosophy.



  332.  #333Daria on August 9, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    hmmm musings

    its possible that the relationship dynamics work in such a way that the people are naturally compatible and he is powerfully attracted by her feminine qualities anyway

    the relationship is just more intimate and deep when the polarity is strong

    many relationships are not That intimate and deep

    can the couple negotiate “anything?”

    i guess it comes down to what we want

    i want a relationship where i feel worshipped like a Goddess

    if i want a relationship where we’re ‘getting along’ is not enough for me

    my cousin and his girlfriend for example really like each other but its only been a month

    hes mostly in masculine but she does have a bit of a mothering tendency and shes also allowing him to move in with her for free

    sometimes relationships work great for awhile but not after – like mel’s situation

    or people will be together for a long time but not necessarily happy – like my parents

    there are a lot of relationships but not a lot of reeally intimate strong relationships

    i feel lost if i had a point just thinking out loud now

    even Mama Gena divorced and I remember wondering about her marriage as it seems she pursued him… and there we go now, way later

    sometimes i think relationships can start out great but as all of each others stuff comes up to heal they may stall at a certain level

    I would like one where im like omg i feel so blissfully happy every morning he literally worships me before going off to work and such

    i have only seen that in relationships where the woman was in a very self loving attitude

    even that eventually bumped up to where the woman was giving and then resentment built up

    thinking of myself for example i feel good now but i imagine i will feel even more amazing and wonderful when i am having my heart open all the time and relating to all humans from there

    but i am still ‘pretty good’ now just that i want MORE happy



  333.  #334Ella on August 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Camille re 242

    Yes, please take action now!

    Your actions now could make the differenc between a happy, harmonious, fulfilling relationship and an oppressive one that doesn’t work.

    Read EVERYTHING Rori based that you can get your hands on and start applying all her tools.

    He may ‘complain’ and there may be teething problems when you make changes to the dynamic, and in the long run it will be for the good of the relationship and bring you the big goodies.

    Although I have posted some questions about leaning forward and back today and the masc/fem energy roles, ultimately I do believe in the RR way and esp if you are overfunctioning and feeling bad.

    xoxoxo



  334.  #335Daria on August 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    kdr – yes Rori says to make dating a priority and so to make dates with girlfriends *breakable* and have them support you in that dating is really a priority for you

    i think this is especially for particular important ‘romantic times’ like fridays and saturday nites, etc

    so basically not to take a day with the girlfriends, over a date – when he asks with ample notice , not to reschedule last minute for him



  335.  #336Ella on August 9, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Corin re 329

    Yes I definitely think that is one of the benefits of CD-ing – to help us practice strong boundaries…

    Yes I have had that happen a lot, because the ones I am not attracted to I am just like ‘urgh, whatever… this is how it is, and I don’t mind if you like it or not!’

    Tell you what though, SO much harder with the ones we like.

    Which is why I think we are encouraged to practice with the non attractive ones… so that we will be ready to be strong with the ones we like too.

    Daria was discussing this with me the other day.

    🙂



  336.  #337Camille on August 9, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    I just want to say Thank You to all of the sirens here on this blog. It is so helpful to read your responses, Intellectually understanding Rori is easy, putting it into practice takes some time and some “working through personal issues” Thank you all.



  337.  #338Ella on August 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Daria re 333,

    Yes I want more than just a ‘get along’ relationship too.

    I see my housemates relationship as one of convenience in some ways, although they are def interested in / attracted to each other.

    I have thought about it and I am pretty certain I would not feel happy or flourish being in that relationship with him.

    Because I would have to do what he wanted. We would go to the pubs he wanted, when he wanted. I would have to sit with him while he talked.

    I would have to be ok about him getting stoned every night.

    I would have to stay in with him when he had his little boy over.

    And cook and clean half the time.

    I don’t think I would get taken on very many dates.

    And I would have to be grown up, patient and logical about stuff.

    I would not feel comfortable being sloppy and I would be expected to get up and do stuff at a ‘reasonable’ hour when I was hung over.

    I would not be able to slop about in bed all day if I felt like it (I very rarely do that anyway… but I like the option).

    Sure there would be pay offs… companionship, cuddles, sex… someone to talk to.

    But I realise that for me it would not be enough. I believe I would feel bored and supressed.

    Don’t get me wrong, he is a good guy… and I just don’t think it would suit me.

    But then I have never found the person who does so maybe my expecatations are unrealistic.

    Hmmm, keep CD-ing for now I think.



  338.  #339luzydel on August 9, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    I am at “the Work” web site….Something new for me



  339.  #340kdr on August 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    @335 – Thank you, Daria. That makes sense now.



  340.  #341Ella on August 9, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Re FB…

    The new style IM chat on FB confuses me… what does it mean when I can see a load of people in the sidebar when I have clicked that I am unavailable to chat… but they are not listed when I click available? Is it showing me people who are NOT available to chat but are signed on? And if so what is the point in that?



  341.  #342Ella on August 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    A Siren on here once mentioned about creating specific chat lists under which you can exclude certain friends so I would not need to see them listed and they would not need to see me.

    I keep gettint triggered seeing J pop up in chat and then disappear (a bit like in my life really!) and I would like to create a list without him in it so as to stop getting triggered.

    Can anyone advise?



  342.  #343Ella on August 9, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Also my mind keeps wanting to anaylse about what it means that J is on FB but keeps disappearing from my chat window.

    I would not initiate an IM chat with him anyway, and it is triggering because I am wondering if he has created a list without me in…

    and then my mind wants to anaylse why.

    Like I keep thinking about men I have dated and if I have not been into them, would I go that far to ‘hide’ from them.

    Maybe, but only if they were chasing me, or really coming on strong.

    But I am not doing that with him.

    And when I am not into a man I do not choose to spend time with them like he did with me.

    It triggers me to much to think that a man thinks I am so into him that he needs to hide from me… I mean WTF!!!??

    Or is he embarressed? Or something else.

    Argh. I know, I know… this is totally ‘his’ business not mine.

    I just feel so confused by the hot/cold behaviour and disappearing.

    TRIGGERED.



  343.  #344Ella on August 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Where is everyone tonight?

    Ok.

    How am I feeling?

    Tense. A bit frustrated.

    Overwhelmed by work.

    As though I am not paying enough attention to myself.

    Annoyed, frustrated. ]

    A bit grouchy.

    And that feels like tight and tired in me. And all floppy arms.

    And I want to go to bed.

    And I don’t want to work so hard anymore.

    And yet I want to be successful.

    I love me.



  344.  #345Patricia on August 9, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    EW 326

    Congratulations on the weight change! Awesome!!!!!!!



  345.  #346Plum on August 9, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Barb

    I am not in a relationship with the man in London.

    I am not sure I understand the video.
    I think she is telling him as softly as she can that he is avoiding to share with another human being. He is too intolerant to accept others as they are, so he finds this way to project feelings without having to deal ever with the object on which his feelings are projected. From far, people do not smell 😉

    But I would have to listen again, I did not hear all the words.

    The way around works too. He is not avoiding to know another human being, he is avoiding the other human being to know him. It is his own smell he is hiding by staying far. He is intolerant of himself. The generalization is a way to keep hidden the details that would give away who he is.
    He is hiding from himself, hence from whomever he needs to keep handy to project feelings of love.

    By the way, I am pretty sure the words that appear written in the video do not represent at all what she says.

    xxx



  346.  #347Mel on August 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    LOL… Just read an email from a guy on match. He says “Isn’t it past your bedtime young lady!”

    LMAO… young lady. Heh. I guess that’s what you get when you start looking at slightly older men who have their act together. Heehee, I’d be the trophy girl!



  347.  #348Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    287:

    Oh Yummy.



  348.  #349Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Corin, I would wait for the ex to contact me and see if he offers or asks for anything. If he wants you back maybe, but remember you were the one who broke it off. I believe you will lower your status in his eyes if you ask him back. Plus he is likely hurt and humiliated and would need to get over that. After two months if you are feeling like a rockstar and don’t want anything from him, then maybe. I believe I would opt for him coming to me though. That would ensure he is either curious about what’s happening with you or he misses you. I have tried the reaching out and it only lasted for a short while.



  349.  #350Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Congrats on the weight loss.



  350.  #351Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Mel/Lillybelle is it this your birthday weeK?



  351.  #352Mel on August 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    FW…Not for another month!



  352.  #353Tmizz on August 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    re: #234

    Giving massages to men in a relationship gets even trickier when you are an actual massage therapist! lol

    But I am learning how to navigate those boundaries.

    Typically, I will want to wait until I am far in and have an established relationship with a man before offering, or going through with a massage for him. Usually, they want that up front. But that tends to come with all kinds of “expectations” that have nothing to do with the kind of work that I do. But even beyond that, I’ve noticed that it puts me in a distinctly “masculine,” dominant, “giving” role, and even if they don’t notice or acknowledge it, it definitely shifts something about how they relate to me. So I want to avoid that if at all possible. Plus, it really is giving a lot of myself to do that for someone. So I want to make sure that they are giving to me, first.

    Anyway, that was a lot longer than I expected it to be. Likely, most of you will not be in the same situation. But in the past, a little “You rub my back, I’ll rub yours” did great things for a relationship. And even now, if a man wants to massage my feet – heck, I’ll let him! 🙂



  353.  #354GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Amazing… I was JUST walking around the house imagining if I could get Evan Marc Katz to read Byron Katie after I posted lots of comments to his blog about being “attacked” here… and how Rori seems so able to do Inquiry, allow for reality and negatives without dewfensiveness, allowing honesty and truth to come out (ditto for Tinque imo)… then I click in here and there is all is. Love Byron Katie, wordviews and beliefs aside, it’s great work. Thanks Rori.

    And to Lucy, LVD and others who commented to Evan’s blog, I can’t say how much I appreciate the words and clarity you shared there. ((Thanks))

    Keep inquiring… seeing through… engaging honest communication with self and others. Got a headache, later all. Love and hugs.



  354.  #355Daria on August 9, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    wow – a siren pointed me this way – and this felt very powerful and transformative for me today

    i feel unsure yet, but so far, testing… i seem to have changed the way i relate to myself

    i feel energetically stirred and vulnerable now

    i worked with a memory of the past, when i chased a boy

    i went back and redid the tapping a few times, and tapped on my own too on what came up for me – stuff about contributing to my father’s need for significance … and my need for contribution (some Tony Robbins terms those needs- from another powerful video Plum posted in teh past where he shifted a suicidal girl)

    http://7levelsofwealthmanifestation.com/heart-charka-vow/

    maybe it will shift you like it did me… i tapped it 3 times until it shifted…



  355.  #356FlowerChild77 on August 9, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Corin/#308 I haven’t read through all the posts yet, but I can relate to your question about leaving a relationship and then thinking about going back—and whether to lean forward or not, as we are the ones who left/ended it.

    I don’t know if it was the “right” thing (or what Rori would have told me) but since I was the one who left (and he is quiet and introverted) I took the chance of leaning forward JUST to get the ball rolling—to his side of the court.

    And now I don’t do any leaning forward. (What keeps me from doing it, when I’m tempted to, is remembering that I want/need him to do more “rowing the boat”; and he can’t—unless I drop the oars.)

    I also have not said anything about me changing or how I’m going to be different. I’m showing him. (I did admit, in a heart to heart, that I will own my part in the relationship ending up the way it was when I left. But that is all.

    Just my two-cents about a situation that sounds similar to yours….



  356.  #357Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    351:

    Getting ready to start the celebration. I tend to follow SLV’s mode of birthday operation. I like to pay attention to it for a month or so. I believe I will start celebrating in two weeks from now and bring it all the way to the middle of September for sure.

    I’m anxious to start my new year so early celebration is in order!!!

    🙂



  357.  #358Daria on August 9, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    i feel different

    the way i touch myself feels more profound, i can feel more in my body

    like scratching my arm and then i held it and rocked it…. and it felt so good, and i felt a real love for it and a curiosity for teh way it moulded around the bone of my arm…



  358.  #359Mel on August 9, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Agreed Lilybelly!



  359.  #360Mel on August 9, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I took out my own checking account today, and I changed all of my bank stuff back to my maiden name. It felt good, actually. 🙂



  360.  #361Mel on August 9, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Which is good because yesterday I cried and cried as I had to sort through wedding photos and letters, etc. and deciding what to pack with me.



  361.  #362FlowerChild77 on August 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Corin…FW is much more familiar with Rori’s work than I am, and can give you real ‘Siren’ advice. And many others here, as well. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel–being the one who left.

    I have no idea how things are going to work out for me (and him.) I wanted you to know that I was just sharing information—not so much giving advice about what you should do.

    I’m really the last person to be giving any kind of advice 😉



  362.  #363FlowerChild77 on August 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Happy Birthday month, Lilybelle!! 🙂



  363.  #364Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    359:

    Get ready, Mel. You are about to start your new year too!



  364.  #365Daria on August 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    wow i feel so much more open and less judgemental to the guys on pof

    i feel like way more curious about them!



  365.  #366Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    361:

    ….and with all those tears, Mel, came a little more healing.

    Ginormous Hugs!



  366.  #367Ice Princess on August 9, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    I’m starting to panic! Maybe he didn’t mean all those things he said last night, maybe he wishes he could take them back, maybe he is just busy with work, maybe I should stop worrying….



  367.  #368Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    363:

    LOL!! FlowerGirl. This is always so much better than New Year’s Eve to me…because it is just that; MY New Year.

    Whoo Hoo! I’m looking forward to seeing what is in store for me.

    Mel and I are just one day apart on the calendar so it will be fun to share this with her. 🙂 Mel~ We should decide on the first day of celebration together. What should it be? You pick it.



  368.  #369Mel on August 9, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Um… how about the 22nd?



  369.  #370Mel on August 9, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Just felt like that was a great random date.



  370.  #371Tmizz on August 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Ella says:

    “And I don’t want to work so hard anymore.

    And yet I want to be successful.”

    haha! I so agree! That’s exactly what’s been on my mind today. It sounds so wrong, and yet, it feels so right…



  371.  #372GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Amazing… I was JUST walking around the house imagining if I could get Evan Marc Katz to read Byron Katie after I posted lots of comments to his blog about being “attacked” here… and how Rori seems so able to do Inquiry, allow for reality and negatives without defensiveness, allowing honesty and truth to come out (ditto for Tinque imo)… then I click in here and there is all is. Love Byron Katie, wordviews and beliefs aside, it’s great work. Thanks Rori.

    And to Lucy, LVD and others who commented to Evan’s blog, I can’t say how much I appreciate the words and clarity you shared there. ((Thanks))

    Keep inquiring… seeing through… engaging honest communication with self and others. Got a headache, later all. Love and hugs.



  372.  #373GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Though I must say to LVD (as I believe she is a writer to this blog) that I don;t in any way see anything needing apology to Evan in anything you said on his blog. What you said seemed perfectly fine and good to me, and it seems weird and a triggering to me that he *is* as you said, so “in your face” with his style, and yet he so easily feels “attacked” and so sensitive to negative things said about him. Anyway, I wish you hadn’t apologized… I kept scrolling and looking for something from you that required appropriate apology, and I never found it. To me it was all good discussion and honest communication. I’d love it if your words were said to me on my blog… would feel like a gift.



  373.  #374Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    @SLV re: 287 😯



  374.  #375Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    yaaay…SLV the emoticon worked thank you 🙂 🙄



  375.  #376Evan Marc Katz on August 9, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    To anyone who wanted to access the video bonus I’m offering to Rori CD subscribers (which will confirm either your positive or negative opinions about me), it’s currently at:

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/rori

    It will eventually be also up on http://www.evanmarckatz.com/roriraye but that might take a day or so.

    Next, to Feminine Woman, who tries really hard to share all of her knowledge and does so from an honest place… Please don’t post my free PDF on here. The way people are supposed to get that is by subscribing to my newsletter at:

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter

    Subscribe and I’ll send you tons of free dating advice. Please don’t circumvent that by giving away my free eBook that comes with my subscription. Thanks.

    And Ginger? I appreciate your comments and enthusiasm and I wrote to you privately at your regular email. My blog and Rori’s blog work differently. Hers is a forum for self-expression and women sharing their personal dating dilemmas with the community. Mine is about staying on the topic of the original post, only. It’s a personal choice for how I choose to run things and I don’t begrudge anyone for choosing Rori’s blog for this type of forum.

    But since I’m trying to create a conversation about a specific topic, I find it works best when we stay focused and stay away from personal questions. I also find the dialogue easier to read when there aren’t eight consecutive comments from one person. That’s the only reason that all of your comments didn’t make it – but your main one did, in full.

    Finally, if you are at all curious about who I really am – as opposed to what you may have construed from random blog posts and out-of-context quotes, this should do a pretty good job of explaining:

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/about-this-blog/

    Thanks again for your interest in understanding men and for allowing me to share my perspective with you.

    Evan



  376.  #377GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    #371 Tmizz & Ella For anyone wanting to be successful and not wanting to work so hard anymore, I suggest a book: The 80/20 Way by Richard Koch. I’m not “successful” by the usual standards (money rolling in etc) but that book took a thousand loads off of me and how I live from day to day, how I plan and dream, and what I spend my time on. Maybe I’ll keep engaging it’s wisdom till it pays off financially too!



  377.  #378GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    #358 & #365 Daria I *love* where you are at right now… I know what you mean about holding your arm, and how you touch yourself. I’ve had so many of those changes over the last few years… and how you feel just curious about the guys online, instead of triggered or whatever… I am loving your posts today, and they feel good to read, like reading them helps me be where you are in this.



  378.  #379Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Oh yummy I saw the hot guy at work today, he said hi. hee hee hee…I am waterwheeling him he’s so yummy. Yum Yum Yum. I really would like to spend some time with him. Maybe I should pray about it and ask God to put him in my path if he’s a good match for me. I am so attracted to him physically but he is also so sweet and has a good vibe overall…he’s humble and nice but still smart and confident. Me like him. 😉

    I like recycled CD alot too. He was coming on strong this past week and then I haven’t talked to him now since Sunday. I felt a little blue/insecure about not hearing from him when thinking about him today…but THEN…thank god for Rori’s words that popped in my head that he’s prob. rubberbanding….we had some nice intimate and fun moment where I felt really close and connected, so I reminded myself of that and felt better.

    Grr I am also still a bit annoyed about the flirtyness he was doing with my coworker/”friend” and I’m also kind of mad at her right now so whenever I think about it, it makes me feel icky on so many levels.

    hmff.

    I know why, becuz she totally reminds me of a friend that I had in high school that was always one upping me and even stole one of my boyfriends one time. I used to get railroaded and bulldozed by her and felt helpless/uncool/unable to keep up/discouraged/dumb. Kinda reliving those moments.

    I REALLY REALLY would like to heal this. Big time!!!



  379.  #380GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    #16 Mel Thanks so much for this post… I need this. It hits me right where I need it. I am doing and getting this more and more, though it’s been in my head many years and I could tell others to do it, it’s different to actually really do it and get there, and stay there… or keep taking it up another notch when it feels hard, like Rori coming up against it more as she says in her article here.



  380.  #381Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I’ve been working on shifting my vibe/focus by scripting my thoughts….like feeling annoyed with someone and then consciously making an effort to change my thoughts to compassion, and it softened me.

    I’ve noticed a harsh vibe around me sometimes that I create, I get defensive and I hate being that way. So before I talk I need to shift and breathe. It’s my child voice talking trying to stick up for me and make up for so many times when I was little or in the past when I was younger and I ‘let things go’ and let people walk on me!!!

    It’s ok I will heal this too.



  381.  #382GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    #5 FW Yes! So well-described! I used to say it feels like going roller skating when I was very young and scared (in a terrorized situation all the time in my life, lonley and scared) and I was afraid to let go of the wall… and then how it felt to finally learn how to skate better and let go of the security of the wall… omg could write a book on that.

    Would someone else please come online and post… am I monologing here… ? Lol



  382.  #383Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    hi gingersky
    🙂



  383.  #384Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    369:

    Yay Mel! 🙂

    The 22nd it is.



  384.  #385Ella on August 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    I’m pretty sure I get obssessed with one guy after another.

    Sometimes I just feel so stuck in my head.

    When will I ‘get’ that its all about me?



  385.  #386Emerson on August 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    384 Ella I get hung up on one guy too…..
    It’s hard for me not to.

    For example, right now I am CDing a few people but I really like recycledCD the best. He’s the only one that I feel really close to and get super excited about.

    Second in line is coworker dude that I posted about in 378. And he’s not even a CD. hee hee….:-)

    The rest just feel like fillers and I’m really trying to be open and receptive to them and give them my attention too…only one has been really stepping up though.

    Father of 3 CD has poofed apparently. I feel annoyed by him for being “flaky”…I know that is judgmental though.



  386.  #387Lilybelle on August 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    367:

    LP Girl, those thoughts are your NV’s talking…

    You know what to do…send them to the corner and tell them thank you but you are not interested in their opinion this evening.



  387.  #388GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    #17 Camille I have recenly been thru this too… he said in front of other people who were trying to encourage him tolisten to my FWs and not just tlk about himself all the time, “I don’t want to know any more abut how she feels!” If I’m too leaned forward, too needy and leaning on him etc, and if it’s under the surface or in my eyes and voice how much I want him to care, then he doesn’t want to know… he can’t connect with it. It’s a longer journey to get where he will are again (and my relationship is more a post-romantic one, not a presently thriving one, so it’s just about relating with men in general whoever they are to us), but I believe the see-saw principle applies here: whoever moves further to the outside of the see-saw has the greatest weight.

    Maybe take some time to pull back, get engaged with your own interests and so on, fill yourself up and see where it goes, Then when he’s interested again, keep doing the same. Develop the relationship in another direction with you giving you what you need, as Rori says here…? What say you?



  388.  #389GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    #132 Ella I am not but only bc I have a headache rt now. I used to live in London, and was there for the Brixton unemployment riots in ’81 (?) It was *rough*. My friends lived in Brixton. I love London deeply. It makes me feel upset too.



  389.  #390GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    #382 Hello, Emerson! 🙂 So enjoying your postings tonight. Nice to see everyone… my computer was showing a long line of my posts alone… glad I’m not, lol!



  390.  #391Plum on August 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Another wonderful video of Tony Robins
    Resistance to vulnerability and its consequences through generations in a family

    http://robbinsmadanescoachtraining.com/?p=1033

    xxx



  391.  #392GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    #17 Camille It still hurts, though. It still hurts me now… I still love and want him… even with our awesome incredible connection (which he feels and speaks to as well) mixed with our ridiculous insurmountable conflicts. I have had this reaction with pretty much every man I’ve ever been with I guess… except maybe one. I know I have to addres sthe emptiness inside me that wants/need them to care. Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, I Need Your Love – Is That True, might be enjoyable and helpful for you. (Again, I don’t share her worldview exactly, but her work works no matter who you are!) Feel the feelings… we are all here with you. And most of us have felt it too… the vulnerability, the brush off, the obliteration of casual disregard in a significant moment… but it’s all about what’s on the inside… what’s the “turnaround”? Where inside yourself are you not caring about your feelings? We care. So we reflect that back to you. What would it feel like for you to care how you feel and to listen to you, and to let you be vulnerable — and to hold yourself? Doesn’t mean you have to sentence yourself to being solitary, but only that when you give it to you, it opens the energy so he (and others) can connect with you in that way too.

    Tel me if I’m overstepping here… I so feel for what you’re feeling and describing here. It is a *central* issue in my life, all my life.



  392.  #393GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    #234 FW I am a professional massage therapist, and I agree with most of this message. Massage feels very dangerous and vulnerable to a man in an extremely unpleasant way (in fact it puts most men into their female side in a way that feels freaky to them… until they get used to it). It also feels weird to them to have us serving them in this way. It gets thru all kinds of “emotional armor” and makes them feel and notice stuff inside that they don’t like or need to pay attention to in that moment. It feels like a whole lot of other stuff they don’t like and understandably so.

    Done only as described here is better… and remember that when you touch someone, they can feel your energy… so whatever thoughts/intentions/desires/dishonesty you have under the surface, they are likely to feel… whether they can identify it specifically or not.

    I actually get ill without touch… am experiencing this right now 🙁 Reach out and touch someone today! Many of us need that.



  393.  #394Ella on August 9, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Riffing.

    So what?

    So what if I don’t know this or that?

    So what if my room is not the right colour or I am not perfect or whatever.

    Graaapphhh I feel cross.

    Blah de blah de blah and eff u too.

    Stupid poor man.

    And lovely yummy me.

    Tighty throat.

    And wired, coffee tired body.

    And looking forward to my life again, toxic man.

    Pah.

    I love purple. And red.

    And Zombies, and apocolypse movies and it has NOTHING to do with you, so SERIOUSLY GET OVER YOURSELF.

    Her fling up on he back of this horse.

    You can get dragged alomg too.

    Cus I’ve got too much to do.

    For ME!

    Mwah.

    Love me… big KISS for ME.

    ONLY the ones who can worship are allowed.

    Feels achy in arms and difficult but we will do it.

    RAAARRRGHHHHHHHHHOOOAR!



  394.  #395Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    @373: GingerSky says:
    “…Though I must say to LVD (as I believe she is a writer to this blog) that I don;t in any way see anything needing apology to Evan in anything you said on his blog….”

    I’m still trying to figure out full username for LVD. Who is LVD? I am probably running on slow tonight.

    😀



  395.  #396Mel on August 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Wow… I actually might have my first CD next week! He seems sweet. Not usually the type of guy I would go for… but maybe that’s a good thing.

    He asked if I had any photos… I said not really any great ones, but I’ll try to send you one soon. He replied “I already think you’re cute, so it doesn’t really matter.” Awww… so sweet. 🙂



  396.  #397Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    @375: Emerson

    You’re welcome. : P = 😛

    xoxo



  397.  #398Mel on August 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    And he asked me to pick the time and place. I said oh… It would feel better if I gave you a time and you planned everything else. 😉 Hee hee, all sireny I am!



  398.  #399Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    @Lilybelle @Mel

    Happy birthdays (to come)

    xoxo



  399.  #400Senior Lady Vibe on August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    @395: Mel says:
    “…He replied “I already think you’re cute, so it doesn’t really matter.” Awww… so sweet. …”

    Awww, so much nicer about the pics than that other guy. This one sounds like he has good sense! Have fun.

    xoxo



  400.  #401GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    #355 Daria Thanks for this link! Right up my alley… though I wanna learn more about how these vows operate and less of the anecdotal story on her video. I thank you for this so much… gonna share with ots of friends (three are life coaches).



  401.  #402Ella on August 9, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I did ok.

    I identified it quick.

    And I have started to transform my toxic behaviours.

    Because I STOPPED doing all the toxic things I used to do before.

    I said NO, this is not what I want (to the behvaiors) I managed to balance myself and then I put MYSELF first… and then I leaned back.

    And even after any leaning foreard that felt good enough.

    Because I did it.

    I stayed with my horse on my bridge this time.

    Yay for me.

    Lil toxic, but less toxic than before, Me.

    🙂

    Night Ella. xx



  402.  #403Ella on August 9, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Mel re 395

    Go Mel!

    🙂 oxoxox



  403.  #404GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    #397 Mel Good for you! My theory (and experinece) is that if a man is merely in the mode of doing what I ask and serving me, it’s nice in a way, but it in NO way means he’s ready to head toward any kind of step-up relatioship. This guy’s just a CD for you… but I’m saying in principle that I want to do as you’ve done here, and let those “responders” fall away. I agree with John Gray that a man needs to be able to plan dates (esp the first few) to show he has confidence, planning ability, take-charge, that he is on his male side, has experience etc… and I say also, that he’s not just hanging out to get whatever falls from me that he enjoys passively, but can actually participate by taking charge.

    Have a great time! 😉



  404.  #405GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    #55 Mel Your words have given me my path & clarity for this month… why is it that I already know this but dang, it helps so much to hear everyone else’s stories and hear this truth/wisdom in their own words applied to and stemming from the stories… instead of it just revolving around my own head. Yes! I like it a lot!



  405.  #406GingerSky on August 9, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    #393 Ella I… LOVE… YOUR… POST…

    …and worship means “worth-ship”… giving worth to… I like to imagine focused, mutual, enjoying, passionate… have/had this w man here but only halfway… either other half will come as butterfly I let go of which comes back, or something and someone else will… as I love me.



  406.  #407Mel on August 9, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I’m glad GingerSky! 🙂



  407.  #408Rori Raye on August 9, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    To all who have ANY problems at all with ANY of my programs – including losing the password to my ebook Have The Relationship You Want or losing it on your computer – ANYTHING AT ALL…the FASTEST way to get help is to email my customer support: Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com and/or support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com. They will help you even if they have to send you a new copy with a new password – and if they ever say they can’t – let me know personally here…(*please give them a bit of time to respond and fix the problem…..) Love, Rori



  408.  #409Rori Raye on August 9, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    This totally is a powerful question – what to do when you open your heart, share – and he doesn’t respond.

    I say – first – ask yourself – did I open up just at this time when I KNEW, inside – it wasn’t a good time because he wasn’t paying attention? And I would ask that because, if you’re like most of us – always subconsciously looking to punish yourself – that’s one way to do it.

    And second – let’s look at the opportunity here! Now you get to say to him “whoops – THAT felt weird.” “What?” he’ll say…you say “I just shared something personal that I felt so scared to share and I didn’t felt heard, I felt sort of not heard, and now I wonder if it was just a bad time to share something personal, or if we aren’t connecting….”

    And then you’re off into something deep…

    Love, Rori



  409.  #410English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    #408 Rori

    Yes Rori, thank you so much, that’s exactly what your team did for me, sent me a new e-book and password just last week when I explained I had lost the book in a computer crash, it only took a few days, so well done the RR team. 🙂

    p.s. I have now backed it up. 😀



  410.  #411English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    #300 Plum

    I really liked that, get the wrecking ball out and smash the statue. 😀



  411.  #412English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    #306 Ella

    Just reading about J and his being bisexual.

    We are all different but I couldn’t handle that, not morally or anything like that, but you know just because of his sexual persuasion you are never going to be enough for him, he will always be looking for male lovers outside the relationship, and who knows perhaps that’s why he’s not contacting you right now.

    Are you OK with sharing your man with another? It’s very unlikely he will change although he is very young and may just be experimenting……….



  412.  #413English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    #346 Plum

    Ah sorry for the misunderstanding, hope your London friend is OK, it’s really horrible to get up to the news of rioting every day and I feel so ashamed of (some) of the youth of this country.

    I took the video to mean that LDR’s were a way to kind of have love part time at a distance, just not all the time “in your face”, and although there are success stories, I think there are far more that don’t work out.

    I didn’t see the words as usually I listen with my eyes closed. 🙂 I will have another look.



  413.  #414English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    #347 Mel

    Sounds like you are having fun. 🙂

    34 year old on POF when I told him I don’t date men younger than my kids, said “How about a naughty weekend then?”

    I just said “Cheeky LOL!” It’s just a sliver of silliness.



  414.  #415alias girl on August 9, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    i was standing in line talking to this dude. and i looked up and the sign posted on the wall in front of me said: ‘if you park in such and such lot, you will get towed.’

    Fc*kme. that’s where i parked.

    the guy said he would hold my place in line. i said, no, it took me an hour and half to find this place and i’ve been in line this long and… i am going to take a calculated risk and just finish this first.

    we kept talking but i kept thinking of MY CAR! BEING TOWED!

    and the guy offered to walk me back to my car and if i was towed he would drive me to the tow yard place.

    how freaking sweet was that????!!!!

    my car was not towed thankfully although as soon as we were in it a security car drove by!

    the universe offering me assistance at every turn!
    there is suprise and delight around every corner!



  415.  #416alias girl on August 9, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    i was at the store yesterday and i saw this total HHG (HOT HISPANIC GUY!) …

    the kind of guy that makes me say “omg” under my breath.

    and he opened his mouth to say something to his friend

    and he was

    as gay as gay can be.



  416.  #417English Woman on August 9, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    #416 Alias Girl

    🙁 🙁 🙁

    Don’t you just hate it when that happens, it happened to me at the supermarket just last week too, not super hot guy but nice decent man who helped with my shopping on the conveyor belt……..then his boyfriend joined him. 🙁



  417.  #418alias girl on August 10, 2011 at 12:14 am

    #417 EW i remember you sharing that! lol. part of the reason i shared my experience. it made me think of you when it happened.

    i couldn’t believe it. because he looked so hard core and then he opened his mouth and i thought he was going to break into a musical soundtrack or something.

    he was still cute. just different than i had prejudged him in my imaginary relationshipy head.



  418.  #419Starla on August 10, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Awww a guy brought me a mix cd he burned and a rose. Then we kissed a bunch OH BABY
    😛
    feeling excited and terrified



  419.  #420Starla on August 10, 2011 at 12:31 am

    Oh mann about the guy turning out to be gay…
    I had my eye on a guy, so I made eye contact with him, and then he came over to talk to me but he seemed super gay. he was a friend of a friend who has worked a lot in gay rights activism, so i wasn’t surprised.

    but i was surprised later when i was dirty dancing with him all night and then my friend informed me he isn’t at all gay.

    he’s just, um, “delicate.”

    oops, well i hope he enjoyed my ass in his crotch… lol

    he asked me out after but i ran away. i’ll see him again this weekend with my friends.



  420.  #421Silver-Tongued Siren on August 10, 2011 at 12:38 am

    it’s Teresa, changing names.
    I will see how this one feels… 😀

    Rori #409 –
    “And second – let’s look at the opportunity here! Now you get to say to him “whoops – THAT felt weird.” “What?” he’ll say…you say “I just shared something personal that I felt so scared to share and I didn’t felt heard, I felt sort of not heard, and now I wonder if it was just a bad time to share something personal, or if we aren’t connecting….”

    And then you’re off into something deep…”

    Aghhh that is wonderful. Why didn’t I think of that? I could have used that advice the other day, and I will certainly keep it in mind … It is just a feeling message, but I am still working on connecting with my feelings quickly enough to respond in feeling messages.

    Also a question for you, Rori. Do you feel like having a blog/business that is based on giving women relationship advice affects your relationship in any way? I believe that the advice you give is helping others learn to communicate in a way that men are more able to be open to, and which allows them to follow their natural masculine inclinations and for us all to communicate in a way that works for everyone.

    How does your husband feel about it? Does he feel like it’s a good way to solve issues, communicate, live? Does he support this idea of women leaning back?

    I am curious how the men in my life would respond if they were reading all this.



  421.  #422Emerson on August 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Gingersky 390 🙂



  422.  #423Emerson on August 10, 2011 at 12:45 am

    396 Yay Mel!



  423.  #424Starla on August 10, 2011 at 12:51 am

    Ella,
    Not sure if someone already answered your Q but FB chat window has nothing to do with who has made themselves unavailable or whatever.

    FB supposedly uses some algorithm to determine who should appear there, and they’ll appear whether or not they’re online.

    The algorithm is janky. I hate the new FB chat.



  424.  #425Ella on August 10, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Starla – ah, makes more sense.

    Thank you. xx



  425.  #426Plum on August 10, 2011 at 3:41 am

    You were supposed to love me

    Byron Katie and a man whose wife left.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TLXNMZr4SI

    xxx



  426.  #427Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 3:56 am

    Daria,

    RE: #179 – Very poetic and beautiful post!



  427.  #428Ella on August 10, 2011 at 3:57 am

    English Woman re 412,

    Yes – tbh it felt difficult to me too.

    And a lot of my NVs stemmed from this ie: is he actually thinking about he would rather be with a man etc…

    But for me I beleive that if someone is bi-sexual, when the are ready to settle down, and they find the right person for them, none of it would matter.

    Ie – they would choose exclusive relationship just like all the rest of us. I mean they are attracted to BOTH men and women right. And when we choose to be exclusive with someone, we are faithful, even if we are attracted to somone else.

    But, I don’t think he is at that stage… I think he has only recently ‘come out’ and he hasn’t come out to his parents at all yet. Have a feeling he is still very much at the experimenting stage.

    Anyway, this is his business, I don’t really know – and how it all relates to me is that it triggered insecurity feelings in me.

    And how it relates to me is that he is a CD. And I would feel weird if we were in a relationship wondering about this stuff.

    But my man (husband) will dispel any of these kind of worries.

    🙂



  428.  #429Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 3:58 am

    I have an interview today at 1 pm for the technical writer job! I hope and pray I get it!



  429.  #430Daria on August 10, 2011 at 4:12 am

    GingerSky – I say, FORGET ABOUT HOW they operate

    Just DO the tapping! That will change everything. Rewind and do the tapping with her again and again. And if you get images or thoughts coming up, change the wording for yourself… And tap on that… Tap for at least 15 min at a time…

    like Rori often says, we dont have to Understand it, we can just Heal it, from right where we are!

    The tapping heals! But it Does take some persistance (the 15 min + ) I am noticing.



  430.  #431Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Rori,

    RE: #409 – This bit of advice helps me tremendously.

    I have felt my deep feeling messages ignored by Ryan more often than not…yet it typically comes through later, when he does respond, and then I know I’ve been heard.

    At least for Ryan, I think sometimes he feels self-conscious and doesn’t know how to handle something so deep. Other times, I think he just wants to process it before responding. Other times, I think he needed to develop trust before opening his heart, being that he is the most mistrustful person I’ve ever known.

    Lately, I find Ryan more responsive than ever to my feeling messages! It feels exciting! He is being so kind to me!



  431.  #432Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 4:30 am

    GingerSky,

    Welcome back!!



  432.  #433Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 4:31 am

    I’ve been sick the last two days, and I hope I am feeling 100% by the time I walk into my interview today. I got up early to read their website, prepare my outfit, etc.



  433.  #434Patricia on August 10, 2011 at 4:34 am

    Hope it goes well today Brenda!



  434.  #435Daria on August 10, 2011 at 4:43 am

    ok Daria – here is pattern – heres something that feels awful judging people that she identifies with

    ex: “[ethnic group] are disgusting. they cause all the problems”

    or even “rioting youth are disgusting. i feel so ashamed of them”

    or maybe a singular direct “you don’t have a regular job. i feel so ashamed of you”

    feels intense heat in body face go numb while lava going wild in body. mind goes blank, head feels like it detaching from body (trauma response)

    decides to *not say anything* because thinking that person espouting judgement

    will not hear me, and *the whole world* probably thinks like that person so they will not hear me

    and i am opening up myself to

    A. Alienating that person
    and
    B. being attacked personally

    feels deep hopelessness helplessness and disappointment

    —–

    this feels terribly scary and uncomfortable but i want to do something different

    ok

    EW – wow that feels terrible to hear that! I actually really feel for those protestors/rioters.

    ***
    It feels amazing to me to see how brave how they are expressing themselves and I can feel their utter alienation of feeling opressed, humiliated, and unheard by the more powerful forces in the societal structure. I also feel awed that they are so much aware of themselves that the violence is minimal for such a charged situation and instead they are only acting out on property and inanimate objects. I mean it really blows my mind and encourages my faith in humans even when expressing supressed rage.

    I feel so hopeless about the way the world power is organized, and it feels so opressive and unbearable, and those who really suffer it – when i suffer it – i feel so unheard and an impossibility to be heard – disimissed and put down and judged again and again.

    I feel so shaken up about the man killed by police…

    when i was young i thought police would be a team of men signing up to be benevolent super hero protector types, who wouldn’t even hurt someone else if that someone else was (out of pain) attempting to hurt them – they were so brave and purposely signed up for this job because they were disciplined and kind and would be willing to take the risk of using non violence on violent people –

    That woudl feel so wonderful

    and the way i see it now feels so so so terrible

    i feel pain for those people i feel pain for myself.

    i feel pain for my girlfriend whose brother was killed by police too. i remeber hanging out with him and his girlfriend when i was young,

    i feel so desperate for this world to change.

    TO. JUST. STOP. ABUSING. ME

    sometimes i feel like i cant take it anymore

    and am just sobbing



  435.  #436Daria on August 10, 2011 at 5:19 am

    feeling bad hearing about the people who are getting hurt 🙁

    gonna imagine and manifest freedom and peace

    real peace, not shut ur mouth you are less than peace



  436.  #437Mel on August 10, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Good luck, good luck, good luck Brenda! 🙂



  437.  #438Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 5:38 am

    RE 421 His name is Jeffrey Levine and he is a coach too click on the link I posted in 247, it will take you to a comment he made.

    RE 420 Starla you don’t have to run away. You can take time to think about it our just say no. That however was the Waterwheel of love turned towards that you ran away from is my opinion.



  438.  #439Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 5:39 am

    SilverTongued Siren 438 is meant for you to look at 247.



  439.  #440Butterfly Wings on August 10, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Hey everybody! Just quickly checking in before I go to bed.

    Somebody has finally signed a contract on my house, which means I’ll be moving closer to the city (and work) soon! Yay!!!!!! The buyer has up to 21 days to sort out his finance, and if that and the building and pest inspections go well, then I’m OUTTA here! That means I’ll be much better off financially – MUCH better!

    Things are REALLY good with TH right now too, amazingly so!

    It’s hard to believe things were so bad a year or so ago. He’s really stepped up.

    A year ago I was a total MESS. I was just so invested in him and I felt physical pain in my heart whenever I thought about him. And here I am a year later, and everything is just wonderful!

    I needed a button on my phone fixed, and yesterday he came to my desk to offer to walk me up to the repair shop (I didn’t know where it was), and when they quoted me, he offered to pay!

    And then on our way back to work he reminded me that he was more than happy to help me with paying it because he knew things were tight for me right now. I told him I’d let him know but that I felt so relieved that I had him there to help me if I needed it.

    Oh and he came and looked at a house with me today – he invited himself too.

    I NEVER invite him anywhere and I rarely initiate contact. I also don’t think about him nearly as much as I used to. I think that in particular is why things have turned around so much. My vibe must be fabulous!!! 😀

    I finally told my eldest daughter (she’s 13) that we’re dating (we’ve just been acting as friends in front of my girls). Her response: “See? I TOLD you that you should marry him!” ROFL Well… at least I know she likes him! 🙂

    Ok, well I will say goodnight now, and I hope those of you in the UK are staying safe and well.

    I’m talking to a male friend over there right now on FB chat and it sounds so scary!

    xxxxx



  440.  #441Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 6:04 am

    From another coach

    “Tip #5 – Flirt.

    Finally, learn how to flirt. Aside from
    looking good and having an enjoyable
    personality, it’s also important to know
    how to trigger some SENSUAL attraction
    in the men you meet.

    I also call this “connecting with a
    man’s heart,” and it’s precisely what
    gives a casual date the chance to bloom
    into a bigger, more serious
    relationship.

    The simplest way to flirt is to think of
    the word “flirt” while you’re talking.
    Your voice almost automatically sounds
    more sultry and sensual. Feel free to
    try it out on your next date!”



  441.  #442Mel on August 10, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Wow… this match guy seems super interested. I told him I would be out of town this weekend, but that I could try to work something out for next week.

    He replied “Damn! Next week? Ok.”

    Then I got a nice message from him this morning wishing me a good day.

    I’m also crashing at a male friend’s house this weekend, which I would NEVER have done before, but why the hell not?

    Lilybelle, it appears my month of celebration may have already started.

    I also got my pretty ring in the mail yesterday! 🙂 Unfortunately I guess I didn’t measure correctly, so it’s too big for my ring finger. It fits on my index though. Apparently a ring on the index finger means confidence. I’ll go with that!

    Whilst looking that up, I also came across this interesting article about the index finger. Thought it might give you ladies a good laugh!

    http://healthland.time.com/2011/07/06/penis-size-it-may-be-written-in-the-length-of-his-fingers/



  442.  #443English Woman on August 10, 2011 at 6:20 am

    #428 Ella

    As you say J is just a CD, but just to be upfront with you I saw on OK Cupid last weekend (maybe other sites too?) there are lots of “happily married in love with their wife” men who are bisexual and looking for casual male sex.

    I don’t believe that somebody who is truly bisexual would be able to live their lives any other way than having partners of both sexes………at some point.



  443.  #444English Woman on August 10, 2011 at 6:22 am

    #429 Brenda

    Good feeling vibes coming across the pond, good luck and knock ’em dead. 🙂



  444.  #445Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 6:26 am

    RE 443 I would not knowingly want to share sexual stuff. For me it is just too much health risk to consider. Also what happens when is satisfied in that department and the woman wants it? It also would feel like cheating to me and after reading this, I don’t think I could –

    2) Does he avoid physical touch? This can mean anything from kissing to sex. When a man is in love with a woman, his natural inclination is to touch her. Now keep in mind that this varies from man to man. However, whatever your man’s pattern of romantic touch is, if this drops for a period of weeks, then pay attention.

    3) Does he have less patience with you? Particularly when he is upset? I am not asking whether or not he is easy going. I’m suggesting that you focus on a time when you and he disagree. Is he more irritated or upset than normal? When a man is having an affair, he doesn’t have the emotional investment in his relationship to want to work out disagreements. He just wants to be left alone.



  445.  #446English Woman on August 10, 2011 at 6:36 am

    #435 Daria

    This is the UK, there is no oppression of the races, this is no retaliation for one man being shot by police (surprisingly uncommon here unlike the USA) this is mindless vandalism and looting.

    They are not targeting the government, they are targeting small businesses and anything they can get their greedy hands on, people have had their shops and their homes burnt to the ground and have lost everything they own.

    In the UK we have cheap housing for anybody who needs it. We have unemployment and sickness benefits. We have FREE health care, yes FREE for anybody who wants it and believe me it is very generous. There are many employment schemes for young people to go on, yes for FREE. I have never seen people living in cars and parks like they do in the USA. Never.

    And yes I do feel ashamed, because these are people who are British just like me.

    You said:

    “I also feel awed that they are so much aware of themselves that the violence is minimal for such a charged situation and instead they are only acting out on property and inanimate objects.”

    4 more people have died since yesterday.

    There is nothing noble and honourable going on here, believe me.



  446.  #447English Woman on August 10, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Oh and BTW there are just as many white young males as black and Asian if not more most probably.

    I feel so angry now and really pi$$ed off after watching people on the TV this morning who have lost everything because of mindless thuggery.

    I will work hard all afternoon at getting back into the vortex……….



  447.  #448Patricia on August 10, 2011 at 6:58 am

    446
    Daria and EW and Sirens

    It’s so easy to make the violence in Britain something that it is not…….it is not ok that a man has been shot….any man ….any human being….but from what I understand the riots and violence are being driven by opportunists who have pent up anger and other agendas simply to lash out….this is an opportunity for mayhem by the naive in my opinion….it does not just happen in Britain it happens everywhere. When we had the G8 and G20 summit here in Ontario (Toronto) last year there were opportunists looking for their moments of fame and attention too….all misdirected…..innocent people and business owners get hurt…….law enforcement holds it’s own as best it can to protect the general public who is not invested in the violence……violence is clearly not the way to solve problems……

    my two cents on that

    why is this an appropriate thought for this blog? I guess I think that the world needs more openness and open heartedness like this blog promotes…like Rori’s work promotes……..we need it individually and we need it in our communities and country…….freedom take some committment on all levels……bless our British brothers and sisters……..during this time of unrest…..

    we could all benefit from Ghandi’s thoughts:

    be the change that you want to see in the world…….

    xo



  448.  #449Daria on August 10, 2011 at 7:02 am

    English Woman – dont want to get into debate here (just caught a few words of your post the post bec afraid of triggering myself more than i can handle)

    i feel so worked up ! it would feel good for me to learn to express myself in these situations when i feel so strongly about something

    i know my insticnt and defense – and even right now – is to shut down, judge and distance myself

    i know i would feel opressed in the uk in the situations described by people that i have been reading and watching all day

    i feel so filled with energy and have been into this all day

    i would feel awful if someone i knew was killed by the police

    there are lots of articles in various presses about opression – i feel impressed really with how candid and even sided some of these articles and reports are …

    compared to my experience of media in the usa… or maybe im just running into posts by non-mainstream press

    i feel shocked to hear “there is no opression” i dont know what to say

    i wish i did not get shut down in these situations and my mind didn’t go blank

    and i was able to connect with people where they are at and inspire them to open and love

    that would feel – well amazing – i feel like i dont deserve it!

    i know this is my life purpose – i feel so clumsy at it

    and yet i feel so good about myself that i even took the first step to express myself

    i LOVE myself!

    i feel sad and … i feel energized…

    i wish that my mind instead came with the intuition and words… the way it happens when i have an academic test for example

    instead of shutting down it seems eloquent words and perfect memory just flow out of me

    *i can actually EFT tap on this and use that feeling of tests as a resource to transfer to these situations*

    I am grateful for the opportunity of babysteps to heal this huge thing in my life that comes up more than daily



  449.  #450English Woman on August 10, 2011 at 7:09 am

    I don’t want to get into a debate either Daria, so why don’t you come to the UK and see for yourself, it is very, very different here to the USA for all races.



  450.  #451Daria on August 10, 2011 at 7:10 am

    I feel exhilarated to take this as a sign that the world is changing

    (ok NV that these have happened so many times in history and STILL not healed yet, even after the civil riots in us in 60s it STILL feels opressive in shifting forms – and NV that its triggered and encouraged by secret forces to then establish even more control)

    ok and that feels bad

    and what would feel good

    is the world YES CHANGING and quickly and passionately and yet lovingly shifting to freedom and peace

    and me being able to express it and connect with others and be heard and inspiring!

    ook so the miracle is coming the vortex is pregnant with a world where we are all free and loved and acknowledged as worthy and healthy too!



  451.  #452Daria on August 10, 2011 at 7:22 am

    correcting: Civil riots and DEMONSTRATIONS and MARCHES in the 60’s in the US i should say as some (maybe most? dono) of the demonstrations were not with rioting

    but i know they were called riots and “inexcusable” and “how could they” by media and people not connected to the feelings of those involved



  452.  #453Brenda on August 10, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Mel,

    RE: #442 – There we have it: an indication of a man’s penis size without asking him or looking! I didn’t get too much from the article, tho. Basically what I got is that if a man’s index finger is shorter than his ring finger, he will likely have a longer penis.

    Thanks for the wishes!



  453.  #454Daria on August 10, 2011 at 7:34 am

    English Woman – i have been to the UK.

    i must say the US felt even more opressive,

    but the UK feels similar in that respect.

    as does most of the world – especially ‘developed world’ in some ways

    people did riot in the US in Oakland when Oscar Grant was killed by police a couple years ago – i didn’t participate but considered it –

    I felt scared of being shot or arrested…

    those riots didn’t spread, it feels so powerless in the US and it seems like … well… people feel defeated, feel hopeless,

    well that could be *I* feel defeated, hopeless, it seems that there is NOTHING, even rioting that could bring a change

    it feels like having given up,

    and also the fear that rioting will bring some super strong retaliation on the part of police force – bringing in the military and national guard etc –

    *shrug* i feel disconnected now gone blank

    remembering that at least Obama did pass a healthcare change… maybe that will play out to have access to medical help… that would feel huge to me

    ahh don’t want to feel all defeated again! my mind is running those corridors

    feel better to think of change of freedom and healing



  454.  #455LobbyStar on August 10, 2011 at 7:36 am

    442: Mel

    I always look at a man’s hands!



  455.  #456Mel on August 10, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Yup, Brenda, I think that’s the gist of it. And I think the greater the difference (the longer the ring finger) the more… eh-em.. well endowed he will be.

    My index fingers are definitely longer than the ring finger, so maybe there’s something to it! It made me laugh anyway. 😀



  456.  #457Mel on August 10, 2011 at 7:37 am

    LobbyStar… now you have reason to! 😉



  457.  #458Plum on August 10, 2011 at 7:40 am

    “The world is perfect. 
    As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious. 
    Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes. 
    A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed. 
    It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.”

    ~ Byron Katie ~ 

    xxx



  458.  #459Plum on August 10, 2011 at 7:43 am

    “I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts
    because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. 
    “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” 
    My answer is “Because that’s what love does.” 
    To think that we need sadness or outrage 
    to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. 
    As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. 
    As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day 
    with drool running down her chin. 
    My experience is the opposite.

    Love is action.” 

    ~ Byron Katie ~ 

    xxx



  459.  #460Plum on August 10, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Byron Katie to Teenagers in prison
    http://www.youtube.com/user/remioes1#p/u/1/r_awydWfhgI

    “Are you ever confused by the world, and the people in it, how things work, it’s crazy. So see if we can make some sense of it, where you have some control. That’s my interest . I’ve got some control in my life. And I live a life that’s really free. But I just hit an understanding of the world somehow, I just kind of fell into it and it all started making sense….
    …..No one beat their child or their wife if they are not confused
    Confusion is the only suffering that I can find in this world. The only suffering. So what we are doing here today is we are looking at OUR confusion, NOT THE WORLD, we are looking at OUR confusion.

    xxx



  460.  #461Plum on August 10, 2011 at 7:45 am

    “As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” 
    — Byron Katie 

    xxx



  461.  #462Daria on August 10, 2011 at 7:47 am

    ok missed this opportunity and went to the defence

    i actually feel angry being asked to come to the UK to see for myself… i feel defensive!

    i feel kinda dismissed…

    this discussion Doesn’t feel good to me… so i’m going to stop participating now

    and just keep focusing on me and expressing my own feelings and practicing staying away from thoughts and judgements



  462.  #463Senior Lady Vibe on August 10, 2011 at 7:55 am

    @433: Brenda

    Best wishes. 😀

    xoxo



  463.  #464Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Wow Daria interesting to see you involved in an intellectual debate.



  464.  #465Senior Lady Vibe on August 10, 2011 at 8:14 am

    @446: English Woman says:
    “…This is the UK, there is no oppression of the races…”

    Does this mean you’ve never been oppressed there, not even once? Nor any of your friends or neighbors? Nobody?

    😀



  465.  #466Senior Lady Vibe on August 10, 2011 at 8:22 am

    @456: Mel says:
    “…My index fingers are definitely longer than the ring finger, so maybe there’s something to it! It made me laugh anyway…”

    My index fingers are slightly shorter than ring fingers indicating I suppose a medium sized penis. No problem, I’m creative. Who wants a super long penis anyway?

    😀

    xoxo



  466.  #467Femininewoman on August 10, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I believe I can see clearly now the reason to avoid intellectual discussions/debate. Message for me here is –

    Competition – Opportunity for one upping someone else. I am right you are wrong. Partner could feel like he is with one of the boys.

    Validation – Possibility exists for involving outsiders to get a team against a partner.

    Thi