The Theme Park Of You

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rollercoasterInside me I feel so much I can’t even keep it straight. Carousels and rollercoasters – an entire theme park of emotion. A carnival of feelings.

And – who cares what those feelings are!

I can say I feel mad at this, I feel sad from that, I feel glad because of this, I feel afraid of that….but it really doesn’t matter.

The only reason for discovering any of it is to become more aware of my triggers – but beyond that – it really doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters is that I feel them fully – and then decide where I want my thoughts to be.

I get to decide what ride I take, what thought I think, where I go, what I do, what I say. I get to let my feelings out, I get to express, I get to choose what to let out, let go, let fly.

I get to be there while this carnival is flourishing – and I can either be miserable in it, or indifferent to it, or celebrate it.  I can even join in and go whoo-hah!

And that’s only in ONE moment!  I get all the other moments to choose different things.

And if I feel so anxious in the presence of the carnival – I get to breathe and make peace with the Ferris wheel and the river raft experience and even the shooting galleries.  I can even point pistols if I want.  I can feel the guilt but not let it run me.

I can either love the carnival or hate it or be indifferent to it or shut it down. I can go to sleep.  I can go to sleep and still be awake.

So –what do I choose?

More important – what do YOU choose?

Love, Rori

(I’ll be exploring this “Theme Park Of You” in a series of posts…I’ll connect them all up once they’re all published….)

 

 

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128 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on March 4, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    I seem to be choosing feeling unsafe today



  2.  #2Cris on March 4, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    not being fully aware of our feelings makes us being surprised by them and thus controlled by them… working on this awareness currently



  3.  #3April Rose on March 4, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    I want to choose a better feeling



  4.  #4April Rose on March 4, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    “The only thing that matters is that I feel them fully – and then decide where I want my thoughts to be.”

    I was feeling thoroughly miserable. Now I decide I want to think happy thoughts. I don’t want to be captured by misery.
    Hmm. That is a good-feeling thought; I don’t want to be captured by misery.
    Feels a little looser already.



  5.  #5Amber on March 4, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Mostly I’m feeling accomplished, with a little ambition thrown in. Spending the last six days concentrating fully on improving my horsemanship has left me feeling very grounded. Hmmm… I like feeling grounded. Grounded feels stable and safe.



  6.  #6LoveAlways on March 4, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Wow Rori! This is beautiful. I can envision my theme park! It’s at night and the lights are on, and I feel FRUSTRATED. But I feel joy and excitement too. And I feel anxious and it is so wonderful and annoying. I think I’m going to like this series 😀



  7.  #7LoveAlways on March 4, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I understand not caring about the feelings. Just feel. I don’t want to define. I don’t want to describe. I just want to feel and through the feelings to get back to the good feelings. This is one of most important skills (habit?) I’ve developed as a siren – to get through the feelings that are there so I can get back to my good siren meadow feelings!



  8.  #8LoveAlways on March 4, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    I choose to run through my theme park with balloons in my hands recklessly happy and anxious.



  9.  #9LoveAlways on March 4, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    I feel more relaxed – good night sirens



  10.  #10Lisa on March 4, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    I love this post!!! I have been an advocate of feeling fully for over a decade… if not longer… and yet there are times when I don’t… it is my work to be there 90% of the time….

    the only thing I don’t agree with is that we choose our thoughts… that in my experience isn’t something I choose… thoughts come on their own and they either stay and mess with me or they leave in peace… but I’m not the chooser… in my experience…. I can however learn to not allow them to stick and get me mucky…

    I’m reading a book called Daring Greatly!!! I love it! I thought of all the Siren’s while reading it tonight..

    “J” emailed me today and I finally got around to e-mailing him back late tonight and I said it would feel so good to hear your voice say goodnight.. and OMG he called me to say goodnight…

    as confused as I am about things with him now… and my NV’s and my fears coming up ….. at times he just amazes me… I really like this man more than I’ve ever liked a man thus far… I really do LIKE him….

    That’s why I’m working harder to make sure I don’t mess it up!

    I’m daring to be vulnerable with him…. and he is the one that turned me on to the book… cool eh?

    I’m so lucky! confused but lucky!

    After having a session with Dominique I had some major realizations today… fears are coming up big time!…. feeling unsafe and triggered …. I’m so happy to look at these beliefs and send them hiking…

    XOXOX



  11.  #11Veronica on March 4, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    Feeling shaky and panicky feelings about BM today. Then I noticed how that morphed to small anger and then how energy pushed me back to have resolve for my own life. And then acceptance ‘we had our time together and it ended, and when I am ready and if I want to, I may resume contact with him’. Then small hopes start pitching up – hopes for myself that I can discover so much more of me and my life. And lately I notice far more acceptance on my part to the point where I don’t feel ashamed of ‘looking a fool’ in public because of what I feel or what I desire.It is as though there is this first wave of what I SHOULD feel about whatever happens, and then there’s choices after that for myself when I don’t follow what I should feel- and suddenly it’s as though I can be more expansive, that there’s more to explore. I don’t get so stuck in that first wave of how I should feel – it’s as though there’s an inner patience ‘let’s get the preliminaries done’. For example, this salesman yesterday who was model-hot was plying all the sales lingo to get me to buy his products – really laying it thick. He even used the ‘I like you’ line. And I noticed all my feelings and let me be in them, and said what I wanted to say – and the results don’t matter anymore, as in I don’t want to be caught up in if this tool works and use the man’s behaviour as validation. My gauge for the tools is what I discover about myself. I noticed yesterday that I can feel multiple emotions, interest, disgust, frustration and I don’t have to be committed to only one of them.



  12.  #12blue rose on March 4, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    My heart is broken – a guy I was intimate with and i broke up, and we are not getting back together because of his choice.

    so I’m in a delicate place. Another guy has been interested, but he doesn’t have the same kind of masculine energy. I’m trying to keep leaning back. He has asked me out once. The other 2 times we got together was because our friends were getting together and I asked if he was joining us, and because my friends were at a theme park and I invited him.

    He doesn’t call. He only texts.

    In his past relationship, it was polyamory. he and his gf were in a relationship with several other girls. He said he goes with the energy of the person he’s with – I think he means if I want to be monogamous he will do that. I don’t know, we were with a group of my friends whispering to each other while at a theme park.

    here is the problem: his ex girlfriend was in town. He told me he was going to a wedding with her. I didn’t really care.

    But then he wrote me a text message that he is “babysitting my ex right now and we are going to visit a friend tonight. Then I take her to the airport in the morning so she can go back [home]”.

    what the hell – it sounds like she is spending the night.

    I’m trying to compose a feeling message about this and could really use some feedback.

    I’m terrified he will bolt when I say how I feel. Because the last guy and I broke up after I expressed my anger – and it was so hard to do. And I tried so hard to not blame him.

    So I’m just terrified to express any negative emotions, and I’m struggling to not blame him. Here is what I’ve come up with:

    “I feel sad, and unimportant and not special when I’m dating someone whose ex girlfriend gets attention from them. I don’t like sharing and I don’t want a romantic or sexual relationship where I am expected to share. I need to feel really safe and special to become intimate with a person, and for me to enjoy it. I’m fairly inexperienced and so I feel scared a lot of the time when sexual intimacy comes up.”



  13.  #13Starbright on March 4, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    If it were me, I would wait until the next time I saw him in person to express feelings of what kind of relationship I want and asking whether we are on the same page.

    Rather than talking about “sharing” I would say that to be comfortable and intimate sexually I need to be in an exclusive sexual relationship. I would not say anything about his ex. I would not say the last line about being inexperienced.

    Keep it simple. State what you want without talking about the ex or being too explainy. You want the kind of relationship you want to feel comfortable and open to him, no need to explain. Now, is that what he wants? And, with you?

    Hugs to you!



  14.  #14blue rose on March 4, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    #13 Starbright

    Thank you so much, Starbright.

    I really want to tell him that I don’t want him to spend time with his ex. it is silly, since she doesn’t even live in the same state. but still, I feel this need to tell him I don’t like it.

    I really didn’t care when he first told me he was going to see her at the wedding. I was upset when I began to realize she was probably staying with him. He lives with his parents, so she was at their house.

    how on earth do I express this without saying “you” or making him wrong?



  15.  #15Starbright on March 5, 2014 at 1:10 am

    Blue rose,

    Rori told her husband something to the effect of not being comfortable with exes as friends. That for her it was a deal breaker. The way to do it is not to talk about him and what he has done. Just that for you it’s a deal breaker and what does he think…a kind of have thought about that type of friendship and realize that’s how you feel. Do everything possible to keep from saying you and what he can or can’t do. Rather your feelings about what you are comfortable with. He has the ability to decide he wants to be with you based on what is acceptable to you. You have to be willing to walk away if he can’t or won’t allow you to feel safe and comfortable. A man who really wants you and doesn’t feel blamed or wrong will want to make you happy. Anyhow that’s how I see it in the rori way! All the best!



  16.  #16Millie on March 5, 2014 at 1:33 am

    I feel angry….
    I spent tonight with a friend of mine. A female…who I have written about on the blog before. She gives harsh advice, ok…but I noticed I felt insecure and “clammed up” around her, mainly because she dissected everything I said. Well, time has passed and I have been feeling better! We went out sat night and had so much fun together! She confided in me and said that she feels comfortable confiding in me because she feels no negativity or judgement from me! That felt amazing to hear!!! I told her every woman goes through experiences and I am in no place to judge any woman, I am here to listen and be warm and open to whatever she needs to share. However….I just don’t feel that reciprocated at all!!! She is ten yrs older than me and views me as immature. She says the pitch of my voice and how I talk makes me seem younger than I am. I told her tonight that it really bothers me that she thinks that of me. She dismissed it with “We’ve already had this talk…” I tried to bring it up again and said that it bothers me because no one else has ever said that to me before. She said “really?” as if it was so obvious and common. No really..no one has ever called me immature before. I told her yes, my decisions may be immature and inexperienced, but I have the ability for insight and reflection…that makes me mature. I don’t know what to do…I feel like she doesn’t respect me, even though she confides a lot in me. She trusts me and I do not want to break that trust, but on the other hand I don’t trust her. We briefly discussed mechanic, who she is a friend of…and she said “wow you were really sprung on him, I couldn’t even handle it, I can’t imagine how he did.” It pisses me off….I let her talk as much as she wants about her love life, then the minute I had something to share, she “couldn’t handle it.” That bothers me. I feel bothered. I feel upset. I feel anxious. why…..???? Why even be my friend if you think so low of me? I don’t even think feeling messages will fix this…I’ve tried. I’ve told her how I feel, but I also don’t throw anything she does in her face. She seems to listen to what I have to offer about her love life. She isn’t dismissive about that…..so I don’t understand. I have depth and I hate being treated like I don’t when the tables have turned. What do you ladies think?



  17.  #17Millie on March 5, 2014 at 1:38 am

    Btw…I am going to see her friday, so any suggestions on a different way to approach this, would be amazing.



  18.  #18Daria on March 5, 2014 at 3:07 am

    I felt so much joy today… Turns out one of my men who married is separating and…. Not in. Love.

    And he claimed me! Said Thsts MY girl! To the guy who has been seeing me!

    Wowwwww I feel so happy.

    Been thinking of him lately and it was probably him thinking of me.

    M man wants to see me too… Just asked me. I told him I don’t wana go to men…

    N I just saw my boo… He’s working on his materials

    And I have some new men to meet 🙂



  19.  #19Daria on March 5, 2014 at 3:11 am

    Millie – it sounds like a place to practice saying ‘I feel angry’ and keeping boundaries (including walking away)



  20.  #20Syreena on March 5, 2014 at 5:54 am

    Millie that is her reality and how the tone of your voice affects her. That’s just how it is to her. Other people are not her so the tone of your voice to others may not come across like that.

    I want to attempt to show you what I mean.. Here is a clip. To me Luisa’s tone of voice is really childlike and immature. Babyish or how we talk to babies and little children.
    To others it will not come across like that. By the way the woman in the bath is making the stuff up as a task.

    No amount of anyone feeling angry with me would change my perception of how Luisas tone of voice comes across to me. It’s just how I hear it.

    The question is do you want to change the tone of your voice when talking to your friend? Or do you want to just accept that is how it affects her and say ” Oh well I hear that is how you hear and view my tone of voice, it is what it is heyho?



  21.  #21Syreena on March 5, 2014 at 5:55 am


  22.  #22Syreena on March 5, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Clip is in moderation so may or may not be shown.



  23.  #23April Rose on March 5, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Rori,
    Forgive me for wanting to reach you (hence moderation) but there is something that I really really want to understand.

    The difference between triggers and deal breakers.

    My relationship is at make or break point on this at the moment.

    My man has women friends (okay, he is an actor) and one great friend of his triggers me so much when I see them talking together. I feel sick/threatened. Romantically they have nothing going on. But they have passionate conversations about work.

    I know for you, it was a dealbreaker that your husband have lunches with women friends.

    Can a trigger like this be worked through? Or does it look like dealbreaker territory?

    I feel kinda silly for not knowing the difference.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 7:28 am

    Millie I believe it is her lack of knowledge of how to choose the right words that will inspire rather than turn you off. Regarding the immaturity, I am kinda reading your words as if you are taking things personal. I might be wrong but it seems she said the pitch or tone of your voice makes you sound younger. Do you interpret that as being immature? That to me is different that saying you are immature. Did she SAY that you are immature?

    Also there is a voice coach that I believe Rori works with. I believe her name is Ginger who teaches women how to change their tone. Your voice can be the one thing that can amp up your attraction for a man so experimenting with different voice tones could work in your favor. You never know. It is something I have played with since I heard about Ginger and read some of her articles and I can tell you that men really respond to tonality.

    I don’t know if your friend meant to hurt but if truth be told you can take what was meant to harm you and use it for your good. If you believe in taking 100% responsibility for what happens in your life you could view her comment as a nugget of info that you can use for your benefit. The way we view things can make a dramatic difference in our lives.



  25.  #25blue rose on March 5, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Hi Millie,

    I’ve had friends say unpleasant things to me, even after I made it clear I didn’t like it. I actually lost it and yelled at my friend at a party after she insulted me in front of the group.

    We are still friends. And we value each others friendship. But certain things are just off limits. For example, I don’t go clothes shopping with her since she comments on my figure and income. But we do other things together, and I just never bring up topics like money around her.

    As I write this I am wondering, is this friend valuable in your life? It shouldn’t be a one way street.



  26.  #26blue rose on March 5, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Starbright,

    Thanks so much for that advice. I have a lot to think about.



  27.  #27Violette on March 5, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Still feeling warm and sensual from the date with J two nights ago. He’s not really the guy for me, it doesn’t feel like he can offer me intimacy, and he doesn’t feel totally safe to me emotionally, and I like him so much because he’s fun and it feels exciting being with him, and very sexy.

    I’ve started online dating for the first time. It’s a free site. It’s honestly feels very difficult. Like a sea of boundaries for me to lay. The two cute guys who contacted me asked for casual sex. And the one guy I went out with was so awkward. I keep forcing myself to do it because I need to keep myself unstuck off of J, and it does help, even if it feels like homework.



  28.  #28Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Yes, my theme park, love this analogy! I can chose which ride to stay on and I can change lines whenever I want!

    Archer was arranging our schedule for this wkd. I was using lots of positive feeling messages and appreciation and his responses were blunt like “where?”, “address”, “Is 1pm ok?” and I found myself smiling at his “ok”. Thoughts of I wonder if he’s angry with me were instantly replaced with I love how focused men are! He’s soley concentrated on logistics and making concrete plans with me because he wants to see me and I asked for that! I let myself feel adored and smily and excited about our trip and got back to my movie.



  29.  #29Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 9:12 am

    The Universe just sent me a message confirming “those rejections are God’s protection”.

    I had a long distance relationship some time ago with someone from my home land. A really bad rubberbander who seemed to be really dragging his feet with the relationship. We were engaged and the last time he rubberbanded away I decided I would not be moving forward. In any event when he came back I told him I had moved on with my life and he should do the same. He tried to convince me to give him another chance but I was too bored. Ironically enough he recently started calling again. Today he told me he found out that his ex had not filed for divorce until 2012. 2-3 years after we were engaged and planning a wedding. Can you imagine? I do believe him because I know him as the type of drags his feet about things. When he was talking marriage he didn’t even have a passport and I was in another country.

    When he wanted to get married I kept asking how does he know for sure his wife had filed the divorce? They parted with such bitterness that when the papers were served he ripped them up and never followed up with her or the courts. She cut him off from the kids and even told his son that he is dead. He just left things up to her. I believe he had given up on life or the hope of finding love. Our histories are intertwined over 20 years and two engagements.

    He only followed up in 2012 when he had finally made up his mind that he wanted to move his life forward. I believe it was around the same time that he told me that he believes he will never be happy until he has me.



  30.  #30Helena Hart on March 5, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Millie – 16 – In my experience and the experiences of my clients, I’ve found that when it comes to talking to your girlfriends about your love life, a girlfriend is either lifting you up and wanting you to be happy and successful in love – or she’s jealous and she doesn’t want to look at her OWN stuff, so she’ll make you feel bad about yourself or the choices you’re making in dating and relationships.

    Blue Rose – 23 – I agree. I’ve actually had certain clients stop talking to some of their girlfriends about the men they’re dating because every time they did, it made them anxious and filled them with doubt, which really held them back.

    On the other hand, if a girlfriend is FOR you and wants you to be successful in love, and can go out with you and help you Circular Date, that can really be helpful.

    Love, Helena



  31.  #31Robin on March 5, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Hey there girls… I want to share something that happened to me last night. I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 31, we’ve been dating for two years. About 8 months in in our relationship I started having some trust issues because I found text messages from other girls on his phone, I know I shouldn’t have done that but anyway, I decided to keep our thing going and I NEVER, EVER would have cheated on him, but a few days back I registered on an online dating site, it was just for fun, I never had the intention to see any of those guys but my boyfriend caught me and saw all my messages, he started calling me a whore!!! Even though I never even met or called or texted anyone, they were just kind of flirty (nothing sexual) e-mails and he broke up with me. I don’t really know what to do now, I haven’t called or texted him at all but I feel really sad.



  32.  #32Liquid Light on March 5, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Yay, Kyla, that sounds like fun!!!



  33.  #33Liquid Light on March 5, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Kyla, I had a similar experience with a new guy, the architect. He wasn’t following through on making concrete plans and so I canceled on a sketchy plan we had for Sunday. He’s asked me out again for this Sunday but again no concrete time or place. It feels really annoying and not very respectful but we’ll see if he steps up this time around. Its nice to know, based on your story, that they can change and step up but they won’t do it if we just go along and don’t take a stand for how we expect to be treated. So you go girl! You are inspiring!



  34.  #34Lisa on March 5, 2014 at 9:58 am

    This book is amazing!!! totally amazing! my mouth is dropping open… and I’ve been doing TheWork for 14 years…. but I can see so much in it…

    @FW I’ve wondered about voice tone – to the extent that I inherited my mom’s intense tone and though men tell me they love my low voice they think it is sexy… I know it could be softer… I haven’t a clue how to get help with Ginger but I’ll at least ponder that.. thanks for mentioning it…

    Let go and let the man lead…. and you know what that has been ok as long as they lead the way I thought they should…. but this time, I’m being tested….

    OXXOX



  35.  #35Lisa on March 5, 2014 at 10:00 am

    @BlueRose {{{{hugs}}}} hang in there…. <3 sending you love

    OXO



  36.  #36Lisa on March 5, 2014 at 10:04 am

    @Helena I’ve noticed this too… that since I’ve been working the tools, all kinds of questions and resentment have come up with other women. I’m to the point where I don’t even want to talk about my men with them… cuz it usually makes for an uncomfortable time with my friends… they don’t do the tools so they don’t get me now…

    Thanks!

    OXOX



  37.  #37Millie on March 5, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Thank you all for your responses and words of wisdom. Femininwoman… Yes she has blatantly said I’m immature. I feel she doesn’t respect me. There is nothing wrong with my voice or how I talk. I’m not interested in changing my voice or how I talk just because one person made a commet I perceive to be negative about it.

    I don’t talk about my love life to her. I keep my cards close to me now, but it seems I still get hurt by some of her comments towards me. It does feel one way on this level, not all levels.

    I feel like the solution is for me to not let other peoples opinions of me get to me. What if I could have the attitude that…ok you think what you want, but I don’t agree. And that’s it. I simply don’t agree. I don’t torture myself over other peoples opinions that I clearly can’t change.



  38.  #38Liquid Light on March 5, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Millie, this is a highly personal decision but for me, if I don’t feel like a friend is on my side then I’ve chosen to not invest myself in that friendship. For instance, one friend of mine is jealous of me because of her perceived interest of her boyfriend in me. This jealousy has manifested in many ways including blatantly humiliating me at a party in front of her boyfriend and my date. For me, it was the last straw. Also, I try to tap into how I feel around different people. If I feel awful around someone (tight stomach, clenched jaw, tension throughout my body) its a really good indication that its not wise or beneficial for me to spend time around that person…so I don’t. But that’s just me and how I’ve chosen to deal with situations like these. It’s all very personal but just wanted to share my experience. Good luck and I’m sure you will do the right thing FOR YOU!



  39.  #39Dominique on March 5, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Lisa – 33 – You can try being more choosy with whom you share certain things with. Like you said, some women won’t “get” where you’re coming from. I share very little with my friends, only those with whom I do feel understood. Actually there’s only one who fits the bill, and there’s nothing at all wrong with this.

    xxoo



  40.  #40Dominique on March 5, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Millie – The above applies to your situation as well. And sometimes you do have to let some people go as friends, especially if you keep growing and blossoming, and they don’t. The disconnect between you will become more vast with time.

    xxoo



  41.  #41Cupcake on March 5, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Hi, Sirens-

    Andrea, thanks for the shout out in the last thread. It felt nice to come across that, and I love the idea of my fabulous new lover whisking me off to the Riviera for the weekend….Alas, that’s not the case.

    I’ve just been feeling quiet. And I had a temp job for a week and a half that took a bite out of my time. Now it’s over and I’m trying to figure out what to do….

    For largely financial reasons, I’ve decided to leave New City and go back to Old City from 15 Years ago, where various friends will house me while I job hunt. There seem to be more jobs in Old City. And it’s closer to the mountain house I still own.

    I’ve felt removed from men and dating.

    Had a weird interaction with a guy coworker- a work-related interaction, not a flirtatious one. It felt interesting to watch how it affected me and how I resolved it. I saw myself reverting to an old pattern, and couldn’t figure out a different way to respond. It worked out okay, but I felt surprised I couldn’t come up with an easier solution, a new response to a trigger. I will be watching for the next time I’m triggered that way, and hope I elect to choose a different response.

    I had a phone conversation last night with a friend who used to be an imaginary relationship. It felt so good to hear the voice of a man I respect and trust. I told him how I miss talking to Lord V. (which I do — those conversations were the meat and potatoes of my hermit’s life for many months), and Mr. Imaginary told me about the recent death of his dog. I hung up feeling understood and cherished, and it’s been a while since I felt that way. It reminded me of why I liked that guy, and made me feel grateful for his friendship. He chose another girl, but he still cares about me and wants me to be happy.

    I hope when I move back to Old City from 15 Years Ago my life will be more connected to other people. That’s another big reason to go. The people I love are in that part of the country. Here, I’ve made a few acquaintances and possibly one friend I’ll take with me moving forward. But I still feel like I’m free-falling with no one around to talk to.

    Anyway. That’s where I’ve been. Not, alas, the Riviera with a fabulous new lover….

    Maybe this is the week for that!



  42.  #42Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Millie I can imagine how you feel with her. No one likes being criticize. My comment to you about the voice was based on experimenting. I was pleasantly surprised by the different reactions I get from different men when I experiment with it. I do believe it is a way/tool to increase my mystery and somewhat alleviate boredom for people I interact with. I have a girlfriend who is an absolute siren. She can magnitize any man towards her and raise her attraction level at the drop of a hat. One of the things I see her play with when interacting with men is voice tonality. There is so much complexity about us as humans that I absolutely love experiencing new parts of myself.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Cupcake!! 🙂



  44.  #44Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    LL I feel almost certain that boyfriend must have felt like withdrawing from her in that moment. I can’t imagine that he felt inspired by her actions.



  45.  #45Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Lisa I say experiment with different tonalities. There is one particular guy who tells me he fantasizes about being in bed with me when I lower my voice. He talks of one day lying next to me listening all day to the romantic voice. He even tries to mimic it sometimes and describes it as sexy.



  46.  #46Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Thanks LL! We’re taking our kids up to his cottage to go snow boarding for the wkd, I’ve never been snow boarding before! And he’s borrowed a friend’s van and is picking us up on the way so we can all go together. My kids are so excited and our kids like each other so I’m feeling happy, full of anticipation and excitement.



  47.  #47April Rose on March 5, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Wow, Just realised how low down, critical, and gloomy my mood was yesterday.

    Feeling more compassion for myself and him today.



  48.  #48Millie on March 5, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    I actually feel resentful about the voice thing. I don’t like the idea of changing my voice for a man to feel more attracted. Maybe I’m just an angry basket case right now…and I’ll feel more open later. This girl has really triggered me into a tailspin of anxiety and neediness. I can’t relax and all I want to do reach out for attention. That’s so weird.



  49.  #49Turquoise on March 5, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    (((Cupcake))) I moved back home 9 years ago… to my exact hometown, and it was wonderful! About 2 and a half years ago I moved to a new town, but just 25 min. away, and I keep in touch with a lot of the friends from my hometown. I just simply outgrew needing to be there and a better opportunity came to be. I love my new town too, and enjoy meeting so many new people and building new relationships again. I believe it’s good to go home again. 🙂



  50.  #50Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Oh and LL its been a month since our last date as I accepted dates from others twice when he didn’t follow through. He also cancelled on me last minute for our first date and then called 2 hours later to say he could see me after all and was livid that I had made alternate plans already! So I can see why he feels I’m difficult, but that’s because I’m the prize 🙂

    My boundary is firm on keeping my plans open until I have a concrete DATE/TIME/PLACE from a man.

    It doesn’t have to be arranged months in advance or anything, it just has to be a confirmed date. I feel more than happy to accept last minute invitations when I’m available and have a sitter 🙂



  51.  #51Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Cupcake! I missed you!



  52.  #52Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Not weird at all Millie. It sounds quite normal to me.



  53.  #53Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Kyla – just saw this from Helena

    “How To Inspire His Masculine Need To “Win” You

    The key to inspiring a man’s masculine need to pursue you and “win you over” is knowing that you’re a prize that needs to be won!

    Women who KNOW they’re a prize naturally have a “High Degree of Difficulty” – which is simply having such a full life and thinking so highly of yourself that a man would HAVE to be the “pursuer” in order to spend any time with you at all!

    This is a very different feeling and “vibe” than trying to impress a MAN and convince him that you’re a great catch.

    If you can keep this “High Degree of Difficulty” vibe going during the courtship of dating and throughout the entire relationship, everything else will fall into place.”



  54.  #54prplpsn28 on March 5, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    My theme park is frustrating right now.



  55.  #55Liquid Light on March 5, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Re. Post 50, word of caution, you can be too high degree of difficulty to the point that the guy just gives up. That’s what happened in my last relationship of 1 year.



  56.  #56Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Thanks FW! 🙂



  57.  #57Helena Hart on March 5, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Kyla – 47 – I think it’s GREAT that you had a backup plan when he cancelled or didn’t follow through!!

    FW – 50 – Thanks for sharing that, I’m glad you get my newletters! 🙂

    LL – 52 – I agree, you also want to be warm and open when a man shows up. Having a High Degree of Difficulty often isn’t enough in and of itself – you also need the “warmth” component.

    Love, Helena



  58.  #58Rori Raye on March 5, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    April – It doesn’t sound to me like a dealbreaker. Either he’s interested in making a life with you or he isn’t. I couldn’t deal with “girlfriends” because of my first husband – it was too triggering. AND – my now wonderful husband was okay with it because it was an “ex” and a “hardly-ever-see.” I’d advise you to work on your jealousy issues and use this trigger to work through them. Love, Rori



  59.  #59Kyla on March 5, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Woohoo Helena thanks!

    I’m trying to combine my difficulty with Fiery warmth 🙂



  60.  #60Tereana on March 5, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Cool! I really like this post…Yeah, I do totally feel like this inside. Lol

    Funny, I was just thinking this evening about a funny thing M said to me once. He randomly asked, out of the blue, if I liked amusement parks. The thing is, they can be overwhelming and busy at times. But fun as well. So we talked about what rides we liked, etc. Then I asked why he wanted to know.

    He said because he was thinking of places where he could hold my hand, and that was one of them.

    Awww… I mean, just seriously. The cutest…



  61.  #61Tereana on March 5, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    I have been posting still on the last thread – Andrea I had a response for you there to something. And I liked what you said…totally get it.

    ~

    On the last post, I was riffing (not in the technical sense, just writing) about my issues with having that last word or text. It’s like a power thing. A power thing and powerless and like all wrapped up in these childhood memories…

    But I rode that roller coaster, and now I feel actually a little exhilarated and cleansed.

    And now I just heard from a totally random CD that I had almost totally forgotten about…lol

    But it does bother me. This morning, I was texting with M and he was all active. It was late at night for him. And I just realized that I had an expectation… I *expected* that he would tell me when he was going to sleep and say good night. He did no such thing. And so I guess I feel – not disappointed or sad, but left out. That’s really the feeling. That he’s doing something and leaving me out of it. Hm…but I know that’s not really his intention.

    What bugs me, though, is I can see that he had read my text(s) to him. And he didn’t respond. And there was even a question in there. I don’t know why he didn’t respond. I just felt left hanging…

    But I guess that’s where the CDs come in. And self-care. I realize that I am just feeling tired out of my head. The best thing I can do for me is just go to sleep and not worry about him at all.

    But one more thought/insight…the other night, when I was going to bed, I was about to text him that I was doing so. And then I didn’t. So maybe I was just feeling bad about taht. Hmm… finding the triggers. lol

    This is like riding a roller coaster, and then knocking those bottles down with a pistol. lol



  62.  #62HOLLY J on March 5, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    My story is horrifying. I was married to a very prominent doctor. I was his 4th wife but I was in such a bad place as my first husband had just deserted me and our three boys to marry another women, who left her 3 boys to marry him. The dr came on strong and I married him full of trust and love. He began taking money from my house with the promise to repay. Long story short he left me in Oct 2010, with a letter that the house payment was now too high. $4000.00 per month, $574,000 balance, from the original 100,000 balance. He divorced me and got clear of the bill.He is now 79 years old I am 65 years he has nothing but still works. He is with another woman and says he is very happy. I am stuck emotionally. If you have any advice, besides get over it and move on, which I can’t seem to do, please help me.



  63.  #63HOLLY J on March 5, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Just reread the email to you. Sorry its so messed up. I was married for 15 years. 10/1995 to 7/2013. He took the money from my house till 2008. I have nothing to show for it, it all went toward his living high on the hog.. Please if anything I want the message out so others don’t fall in to the same trust trap. There is no love or god or karma. Just harsh reality. This sick bastard is fun and charming. Everyone thinks highly of him, me just the 4th ex wife.



  64.  #64Femininewoman on March 5, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Robin he wants you all to himself and after having that for a while I imagine that he must think you are thinking of cheating. You are very young and have a lot to experience in life. Online dating is not something I would suggesting doing after being in an exclusive relationship for so long and with no discussion with your partner. He is angry now and will have to deal with that before he can address it with you. He will definitely need time.



  65.  #65Millie on March 5, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Tereana— i understand your frustration with seeing someone read your text and didn’t answer right away. What has helped me is to not check. Make the conscious choice to send the text, close out if the page, think about something else, and be surprised when the person does respond. Expecting a person to respond right away is unrealistic and will drive you nuts if you keep checking it. Choose to believe he isn’t ignoring you, he will respond when he can. That helps me.



  66.  #66blue rose on March 5, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    #35 Lisa

    Thank you Lisa!

    He hasn’t texted or called since that last text message “confession”. if I can even call it that.

    maybe I was leaning forward too much. I’m going to just lean back and wait. Well, not wait. I’ll keep my boy energy up by going through dating site profiles.



  67.  #67Millie on March 5, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Femininewoman 50–
    I love this, thank you 🙂

    So after dwelling the mud of my emotions all day, feeling myself hit the ground, I remembered what my cousin said: That we choose to be in situations that don’t make us feel good. I decided that the longer I dwell on my friend’s words, the longer I dwell on how I was/am with Mechanic, the longer it is going to take me to be the fullest version of myself. Harboring on these things is taking energy away from me and the longer I give them importance, the need to “prove” something to them and to myself will continue to exist. If I am constantly feeling the need “to prove something” then I am not being a prize. A prize has nothing to prove. So, I forgive myself for choosing to dwell in the muck. I forgive myself for being needy and reaching out to feel better.

    What others think of me does not define me. And so what if I have immature qualities, so what? There is so much more to me, I will love my immaturity along with it all. Her opinion is her opinion, but I will allow all my qualities to exist and be loved by me. All my qualities make me a prize.

    So instead of falling into my self-loathing pattern over all this….I’m letting it go, relaxing my stomach muscles, relaxing my mouth, and letting it go to make room for fun and happiness to take over.
    I really want to embrace feeling like a prize.



  68.  #68Helena Hart on March 5, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Millie – 65 – That’s so great to hear!!

    Love, Helena



  69.  #69Turquoise on March 5, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Sirens… I had my first Gold Canyon candle party order come in today and OMG, one that I ordered is called What’s His Name and smells like a delicious man. Sooo yummy, I feel a little intoxicated and remembering other really good smelling men from my life. I’m putting this one in my bedroom!! 🙂

    Tom has popped back up, we are getting together Sunday and I have two options for Saturday. One, is to go out with my friend, her boyfriend and meet their friend, who knows piano man, that I mentioned last week… And the other is for that guy I’ve been talking to for so long, wants to cook me dinner and watch movies. Both could be fun. Long time guy seems insecure though… Throwing me a little. He’ll text me at night to say, you’ve been quiet. That’s how he wants to start the convo. I’m no quieter than he is… And I shared that I don’t do much first contact, I don’t chase men or want to feel like a bother. His response was that I’m never a bother. He didn’t text me tonight and I didn’t either. Busy night with kids and delivering candles! 🙂



  70.  #70Turquoise on March 5, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Sweetheart texted, wanting to share his medical issues and appointments… I replied a little… But wasn’t much to say about that. Felt boring! My kids are sick and I am starting to feel sick too. Boo



  71.  #71Turquoise on March 5, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Oh… One more thing, tonight when I was delivering candles to one of my neighbors, her husband came to the door, in his pajamas. I barely know them, but I heard she lives in the gameroom level, they are getting a divorce, and she dates another man who lives in our plan. Her husband sounds like a really nice guy, he’s attractive, and I found myself wondering why we just can’t make our relationships last… I’d love to have a cute husband at home and get to see him all relaxed in his pajamas… But she’s living in their basement and dating a neighbor. They could have a whole mess of problems, I’m not judging… Just got me to wondering about what really happens to couples.



  72.  #72Emerson on March 5, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    69 turquoise that’s very interesting. I know what you mean. It’s strange to think about sometimes. Like what happened??



  73.  #73Millie on March 6, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Turquoise, I have a candle called Firewood that to me smells like delicious man…it’s my masculine candle. 🙂



  74.  #74Millie on March 6, 2014 at 1:53 am

    Just got home from dinner and kareoke for my cousin’s bday. so much fun….. I caught myself drifting to negative thoughts though…when I did I breathed deeply, let the tension exit me, and told myself I love everything about me.

    I’m wondering though Ladies….what does a woman that feels like a prize say to herself? Instead of the negative voices, what goes through her mind? What can I say to myself that feels genuine and will change my vibe? I’m curious what tape plays in her mind inherently? Any ideas?



  75.  #75Syreena on March 6, 2014 at 2:23 am

    Millie 37. I think that would be a great attitude to have. Just be you and love your tone of voice. If you could work through the anger to get to a different place saying Oh that’s interesting that you see my voice that way. Oh Ok that’s how you see it. And really get to a point where it doesn’t bother you. How great would that feel, if you could get to that point? X



  76.  #76Megan on March 6, 2014 at 4:25 am

    I love this post, it feels spot-on for me.
    I have been told by more than a couple people that I am “sensitive” which I am just now starting to embrace as a positive.

    while I trust & highly regard every post from Rori and others, I am someone who likes to do her own learning, rather than just take advice at face-value. I like to know why, and I like to know how.

    If anyone could offer any reading supporting Rori’s work on how to handle emotions I would love to delve further in….
    my emotions feel fascinating and intimidating at the same time. It would feel empowering to learn how to “handle” them better….
    cheers ladies



  77.  #77Dominique on March 6, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Millie – Even the most confident woman will have negative thoughts and voices at times. It’s part of the entire spectrum of emotions we all have.

    It may not feel natural at first to express love for yourself, yet it will in time. You could start with self care rituals, little beauty treatments for example, or taking the time to notice the sensuality of yourself, what you feel as you touch things, especially yourself as you bathe, lotion up, dress, taking the time to immerse in all sensations, taste, smell, and so on.

    There is a woman I’ve worked extensively with who likes to say to herself over and over again – love to me, love to me, love to me, especially when she feels shaky.

    Try loving your image in the mirror. Smile at yourself every time you pass one. Blow yourself a kiss even. And try summoning any sort of love for yourself, even if it’s only a little bit.

    The more you do this, the more natural it will feel.

    xxoo



  78.  #78Femininewoman on March 6, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Millie – I am worthy. I am enough. I am worthy of mad passionate love. My life has meaning.

    These are some of the things I have come across over the years and I am constantly talking to myself in mantras. I incorporate them when I look at myself in the mirror talk to myself and throw kisses at myself.



  79.  #79Valarie O'Ryan on March 6, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Millie, it’s important to experiment with what feels good to you. Everyone is different.

    I, like a lot of my clients, couldn’t just jump into, “I love myself so much!” or “I have an amazing love life” at first because it didn’t feel true.

    I suggest writing several phrases, saying them & noticing how you feel. You can tell if you have a lot of resistance to any of them.

    Keep playing around with them until you hit on one that you can say without disputing it vigorously. I like, “I deserve good things” or “I deserve to feel good.” OR even, “True love would feel so good.”

    This gets you started.

    Then you can move on to something more specific & it won’t feel as hard or unattainable – your resistance will start dissolving.

    Love, ~Valarie



  80.  #80Millie on March 6, 2014 at 8:37 am

    @syreena
    Yes! I would love to get to that point! I was also trying to remember other comments she said that made me feel good or didn’t phase me instead of focusing on this one opinion of hers.



  81.  #81Millie on March 6, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Dominique and Femininewoman–

    Thank you for these suggestions! I’m excited to try and discover what works for me! Haha…and I know negative thoughts will always be present…but I’m interested to see how they change when the positive voices increase. I actually do look at myself in the mirror a lot 🙂

    Valarie– resistance, exactly…. I find myself resisting certain mantras, not wanting to be a b**ch, or inflate myself with hot air. I’ll let you know what I come up with.



  82.  #82Helena Hart on March 6, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Millie – 72 – Like Valarie said, if saying to yourself “I am a prize” gets your nasty voice jumping in with “No you’re not!” – you could also try stating your INTENTIONS.

    This would look like “I INTEND to feel like a prize” or “I INTEND to feel turned off if a man isn’t treating me well.” See how that works for you.

    Like I said in that newsletter that Femininewoman shared, being a prize involves watching what a man does, and you seeing how that makes you feel.

    It’s the way you respond to the way he acts. So you’re the prize and you don’t have to say or do ANYTHING to make him feel it, except respond as a woman who knows she’s a prize would respond.

    When you really know and understand how amazing you are, the way you behave and the way you speak starts to work differently – your vibe organically starts to change.

    Once you “get this down” and realize that the right man for you would treat you like a prize and do ANYTHING to be with you – you just wouldn’t accept anything less!

    Love, Helena



  83.  #83Lisa on March 6, 2014 at 9:22 am

    feeling very emotional today….

    I feel strange that he hasn’t ask me to his place… and hasn’t offered up any info on himself… since he can and has googled me and found lots of info…nothing when I google him except old white pages…. he saw my house on google earth ( at my permission) when I ask to see his, he just said yes, but then skipped by…. I’d ask about his Driver’s license…he didn’t want to do that… so basically I’m just trusting what he says…. but it comes to a point where if I’m going to have him over to sleep at my house, I need more… and most especially since he has it on me….

    does that sound weird?

    OXOXO



  84.  #84Linda on March 6, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Lisa…

    If it were me… I would proceed with my eyes wide open. What does your gut say?



  85.  #85Cupcake on March 6, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Lisa-

    The not showing the DL would be a total deal-breaker for me.

    Why wouldn’t he, unless he has something to hide?

    This guy went from zero to 60, talking about Laaahhhve and forever from – the first week, right?

    And since then he hasn’t really wanted to get together, just daydream through words in emails and texts? I’m not clear on how much you’ve been seeing him.

    I think you already know the answer to your previous post. He’s probably married. Even if not married, there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.

    Run, little one. Run.

    I feel worried for you. I know it’s hard to walk away from a man telling you that you’re possibly the love of his life. But if he won’t show you his driver’s license, just for the heck of it, or tell you his address– You’re the love of his fantasy life, not his real one. Run.

    I feel bad saying this.



  86.  #86Robin on March 6, 2014 at 11:29 am

    .-64 Thanks for your answer Femininewoman… I’m heartbroken… Been crying for two days, but still I don’t wanna answer his ugly text messages, I know he’s just going to call me names and be rude, but it hurts so, so much. The guilt and missing him…



  87.  #87Femininewoman on March 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Robin do you have Rori’s ebook or any of her materials.



  88.  #88Femininewoman on March 6, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Yupp Lisa. It does. Who else are you cdating? At least that is how it sounds to me. Yet this is all new with him and he is still a stranger. I would just take it that I am ahead of him on the relationship timeline and pull myself back rather than making assumptions. You shared what you wanted to share, now you have expectations. That he will share personal information.

    Only you can know what you need to feel safe. Then share that with him. Is my humble opinion.



  89.  #89Robin on March 6, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Yes I have the ebook, I’m going to finish it. Hope it helps, I’m absolutely miserable right now 🙁



  90.  #90Femininewoman on March 6, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Cupcake I dunno. I don’t think there is a reason to panic. Plus he knows where she lives where is she gonna run to? I assume Lisa you must have some level of trust why you shared your address. He is likely resistant to sharing personal stuff because of the expectations he feels. He knows you have them because he has given you reason to have expectations. Men wants things to be their idea also. If a woman is pushing for something he is likely to resist wandering why you want so desperately to know. Our psychology can be really weird.



  91.  #91Millie on March 6, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Robin–
    I’m curious, what made you decide to make an online profile while you were exclusive with him? Is there something missing in your relationship that you hoped to find online? You also mentioned that you went through his phone and found messages from another girl. Did your choosing to make an online profile have anything to do with that incident? I could make a lot of inferences….I’m wondering if because you forgave him for his texts to another woman, that you assumed he would be forgiving of you? You didn’t tell him about the profile, so I would assume you wanted to keep it hidden from him. Why?



  92.  #92Millie on March 6, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Helena—I’m so excited to do this and “get it down.” I want to put all my energy towards this new goal. How do I sign up for your newsletters?



  93.  #93Millie on March 6, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Lisa– a man not sharing that info would feel weird to me also… I’m not sure if I would continue to ask though. Some people feel embarrassed of their drivers license photo or maybe he isn’t proud of where he lives. But I think if he’s serious, the truth will reveal itself in time.



  94.  #94Helena Hart on March 6, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Millie – 92 – Sounds like an amazing goal in my opinion!!! 🙂 Just go here: http://helenahartcoaching.com/ and you’ll see a box on the right where you can enter your email address to sign up for my free newletters. From there you can instantly download your copy of “3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want” for free!

    Love, Helena



  95.  #95Turquoise on March 6, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Lisa,

    A very good friend of mine had a similar situation happen… instead of being divorced once as he said, turned out he was STILL married, to his 4th wife, and they were separated. Creepy part… my friend looked just like wife #4. He ALSO had a fulltime girlfriend who he was sleeping with the entire 6 months they dated. She did go to his apartment… he just kept a lot private and hidden. She ended up finding him on a website called something like don’tdatehimgirl.com and a whole bunch of women said he was a big scammer. So, while it’s probably NOTHING like all of this…. if your gut is telling you something isn’t quite right, don’t ignore that. She was totally in love with this guy, he bought her presents, spent time with her kids, helped her with stuff at her house, and it was all a scam.



  96.  #96Robin on March 6, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Hi Millie.
    I found those messages on his phone a long time ago, he was contacting a prostitute but he swore they were from before he met me, I didn’t believe him but I loved him and decided to give him another chance. About two months ago a friend of mine told me that my boyfriend was contacting a lot a girl from his work, I broke up with him, but again he denied everything and begged me to come back, I did but I didn’t felt the same way anymore. I love him and I think he is a good man (Maybe I’m crazy). Anyway, I don’t feel I opened the dating profile for revenge or to hurt him, I did it because I was a little bored and wanted some attention, I would never, ever sleep or date romantically another man being in an exclusive relationship, I did it just for fun but I never thought he would find out. I would apologize to him but the day he saw my messages he told me really nasty things and kicked me out of his house. I understand his anger, but I was never unfaithful. I think I’m stuck in this situation and I know it sounds a little bit sick, but I love him and I know that he loves me too. I’m just having a hard time letting him go…



  97.  #97DeDe on March 6, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    First comment from me. Just joining in on the blogs and wanted to post a “practice” comment. I look forward to getting to know you and sharing our stories!



  98.  #98Lisa on March 6, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    @FW I suppose one could see it that way… but, he is the first man that hasn’t happily shown me… even “D” that drove down from VT 16.5 hrs straight to see me happily showed me his DL and other info….and he said whatever it takes to make you feel safe….

    So my point is I’m vulnerable, and open b/c I don’t have anything to hide… it isn’t expectations so much as requirements…

    If sex is now coming on the table than I want TO KNOW who he is…. yes he does know where I live… I was vulnerable first….but I also know from my previous relationship with “M” that he was highly secretive and I let it slide and boy do I regret it now… the man was looking through my recyclables and jewelry box… and purse when I wasn’t around…..

    I do trust him but I also need to know… and if he doesn’t have anything to hide… then there should be NO reason to not share it…

    being secretive is also a trait of an Avoidant… which I DO not – I repeat DO not want to do again…

    You are correct he has led me to this point and I’m not sure if I’m ahead of him in the relationship or not… I think he went fast forward and then retreats and then moves forward again… I’ve pulled back and way back… he got upset… when they ask me why I’ve not been responding …. I don’t know what to say…

    I’m pretty good at leaning back……

    I actually have felt like bolting….

    XOXO



  99.  #99Femininewoman on March 6, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Lisa what do you require before having sex? How long do you wait before going there?



  100.  #100Millie on March 6, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Robin–
    Hmmm, interesting. It sounds like you both are seeking attention outside of the relationship. I agree with Femininewoman, that dating other men is a good idea. Options are always good to explore, especially when your man isn’t giving you what you need. I’m sure there will be a point when he’ll cool down and you guys can actually talk. Maybe that would be a good time to share what your needs are and find out what his are too…then go from there?



  101.  #101Emerson on March 6, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Sirens my job is great but it can be difficult to manage the stress! I found myself wound up pretty tight today!



  102.  #102Emerson on March 6, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    83 Lisa this feels bad to be.
    I’m not saying jump to conclusions but I had an experience when a man acted like that and I asked him “are you married” and he finally admitted yes , he was married. So that was the end of that!



  103.  #103Emerson on March 6, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    77 Dominique I love this!!



  104.  #104Millie on March 6, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Man Helena, that Alex Carter guy on your page is such a good salesman….I felt kinda dumb buying into it actually. Hoping to read something I haven’t heard…..



  105.  #105Helena Hart on March 6, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    Millie – 103 – I’m always searching for new information and “fresh” perspectives as well! I’m the first to recognize that there are a bunch of other relationship experts out there with unique and powerful messages.

    Love, Helena



  106.  #106Emerson on March 6, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    I bought myself some new bras <3



  107.  #107Liquid Light on March 6, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Well, ladies, I had a really fun night! I went to a singles happy hour event and finally met someone really interesting. He monopolized my time and we ended up talking and talking until the event ended. He looks just like Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock on PBS) but 15 yrs older but still totally cute. I swear its uncanny. And there’s someone from online who seems like is very interesting. We are meeting on Sunday. And the architect who also set up a date. And another guy from the matchmaking service that sounds great that they are going to match me with….things are looking up, ladies! woohooo!!!



  108.  #108Liquid Light on March 6, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    Want to get your take on this one, ladies. My contract is ending at the end of the month so I’m just starting to look around for my next job/project. I sent out an email to one of my contacts that I worked on a project for several years ago to find if he needed any design help. I also told him that I moved back to the area. He responded with “let’s have lunch” but no mention of projects or work at all. Is this something to be concerned about?



  109.  #109Shannon P. on March 7, 2014 at 3:37 am

    LL, many many job offers/ work offers happen over lunch. I don’t know what kind of work you do, but if you have a portfolio or anything, bring it with you. He likely wants to remind himself of your work, your work ethic, and make sure that you’re up to date.

    Don’t read into it or borrow trouble, lol.



  110.  #110Dominique on March 7, 2014 at 5:08 am

    Emerson – 102 – I feel delighted this struck a chord in you. Sometimes the seemingly simplest things can make all the difference in the world.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  111.  #111Dominique on March 7, 2014 at 5:10 am

    New bras Emerson – YAY!!! I love buying new, gorgeous bras.

    xxoo



  112.  #112Andrea on March 7, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Ooohh LIquid Light.. “It’s Raining Men, Hallelujah!” Oh that feels fun and exciting. Reading your posts about your fun time last night and all the prospects on the horizon makes me feel anticipation for my dating life. I feel energetic and happy!



  113.  #113Lisa on March 7, 2014 at 5:47 am

    @Emerson Yeah me too, I had a hard time last night. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that any good man would make himself known…. and since he went away last weekend he has not called that much at all…. so I feel strange ….. something isn’t right….

    I don’t know but men tell on themselves and he was telling me about a male therapist in town that I know of… that gets women to have feelings for him and then dumps them as soon as they do….. funny thing is there is no record of him as a therapist online at all.

    I found myself wanting to call him and tell him I’ve changed my mind I don’t want him to come to my house….

    OXOX



  114.  #114Femininewoman on March 7, 2014 at 6:32 am

    LL I think it he is being polite. Not wanting to come across as dismissing you. I also believe it is hopeful as he might just meet up with you. I wouldn’t read anything into it romantically and just go with a curious mindset to maybe pick up on what they might need so you can demonstrate where you could bring some value to their organization.



  115.  #115Femininewoman on March 7, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Lisa – CCarter talks about the power of telling stories. He suggests that people resonate with stories as many times it is unconscious, but the bottom line is the man in the story is him and woman in the story is you. At least that is how CCarter puts it. Stories are an indirect way to give a person a message.

    If that is the way you feel I would stick with the feeling though I believe telling him not to come to your house might be an invite for some people. Maybe I’d just leave it and hope he drops off. Also I would take it as a lesson to never give out address info until I feel safe with a man.



  116.  #116Liquid Light on March 7, 2014 at 9:48 am

    I dunno, in my industry everything is done online so its making me feel a bit uncomfortable. The last time I met with a work someone over lunch, it was a come on so I’m feeling a bit uneasy. However, I will try to keep an open mind. He’s a very smart and accomplished man, I really respect him, and he’s always doing something interesting work-wise so I definitely want to keep the work connection going…I just hope that’s all that its about because I would hate to ruin that relationship.



  117.  #117Liquid Light on March 7, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Lisa, I think you might be right that he was trying to communicate something to you about himself. My ex told me weird stories early on and I didn’t get it at the time but looking back, he was definitely trying to communicate something to me about our dynamic.



  118.  #118Liquid Light on March 7, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Thanks Andrea 112!! 🙂



  119.  #119Liquid Light on March 7, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Oh, just reread work guy’s email. He did mention work possibilities, phew, feeling much better now!!!



  120.  #120Tereana on March 7, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Blue Rose – this is from a while back, but I just caught it – you said you were heartbroken about a guy. That you broke up and were not getting back together bc of his choice. But then you also said you wanted up express a feeling msg about his ex staying with him. Is this the same guy?

    Anyway, my feedback would be to absurdly say something. If your guy tells you to say something, then listen. You could first ask for, or make a clarification – say, “it sounds like your ex is staying with you overnight. I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that, and I don’t really know why, it just bothers me.” Something like that.

    I think of my friend, who got married a while back, who felt really uncomfortable with the idea of her fiancé having a bachelor’s party. She didn’t say it was a “deal breaker,” and I’m not sure the exact words she used, but I know she she time me that she was just really uncomfortable with the idea, hated the thought of him going to a strip club or something with his buddies, and he agreed not to do it. Because he care about her and not the party.

    Your guy may just not realize that this affects you in any way. It is your job to tell him so that he can care about you – or you find out if he doesn’t.

    How did it turn out?



  121.  #121Tereana on March 7, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    Not absurdly – ABSOLUTELY say something

    Autocorrect…



  122.  #122Tereana on March 7, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Millie – yeah! You know, about the texting back. That’s true. And I do that. And somehow, unpacking the feelings here and getting to where that feeling was coming from has helped it to dissipate. I realized I was feeling anxious about is being in different time zones. I took action by telling him when I’m going to sleep, and also asking him to let me know, so that I wasn’t wondering. I haven’t felt the anxious feeling since!

    Just anxious about other things… Lol 😉



  123.  #123Tereana on March 7, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    LL – that sounds like a great opportunity! Just stay in the flow and see what happens 🙂

    ~

    So, I wonder if I can still fit in on this blog if I choose to date one man and “be a girlfriend.” It’s a hat I have rarely worn and mostly resisted. As of this moment, it feels natural. Not 100% right or wonderful all of the time. But also that there really isn’t anything that I can or want to do to make him not love me. He is loving me, and I want to be loved, and so that feels good.

    But I feel like, no matter what, I am always CD-ing. I’m always taking the principles of cd-ing, leaning back, siren attitude, with me. Who knows if we’ll get married or what. But right now, I just don’t feel like resisting.

    And it feels so nice that, even if I get upset, and I think I’m writing too much, or talking too much, his main goal is my happiness. And that calms me down.

    I still have my awareness up. But the more I learn about him, the more I like him. So think good thoughts. I hope he is just as wonderful in all ways as he seems to be…

    Pax



  124.  #124Shannon P. on March 7, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Tereana, that’s a silly question, dear heart.

    The point of all of this is to find a relationship that meets YOUR criteria and feels good to YOU.

    Marriage may be for this person or that person, but if this feels perfect to you… then you are a success story!!

    Regardless, unless you go off the deep end in some way, you’d be welcome. Even then, if you could pull yourself together after, you’d be welcome back, I think.

    Of course you belong here (in the least possessive way possible ;p ).



  125.  #125blue rose on March 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    #120 Tereana

    Hi Tereana,

    Thanks so much for your feedback.

    My ex is a different guy. I basically dumped my ex. Then asked him to call me 2 days later and told him I wanted to try again. maybe he could smell the crazy 😉 but he isn’t coming back. (oh that is a negative thing to say about myself). He is essentially out of the picture.

    This other guy is new, and we have only been on 1 real date. We met through meetup (I love meetup) and so we have a lot of friends in common.

    What I ended up doing is actually reading rori’s email about anger. She sent it out the very next day, and it was about how sometimes we get angry at guys for disappointing us. Something about that email got me thinking, and I was able to keep leaning back.

    My friend told me to not text him back, she was convinced he would get in touch with me. And he did. Just a one line text asking how I am. And I responded really friendly, telling him how I am and my weekend plans – apartment hunting on Sat.

    He wrote back the next morning and said that he plans changed and he was free all Sat.

    I wrote back and invited him to join me.

    He said yes, and is awaiting my instructions (just kidding…sort of).

    I am also circular dating as much as I can. I have another guy on a dating site I’m still emailing. And another guy my friend invited to a party so he could meet me.

    I feel really good. And when my ex’s name pops up on facebook, I don’t cringe anymore. (I deleted him as a friend, but we have a lot of friends in common. And it was like a stab to my heart when I saw him writing to my friends and ignoring me).

    Such a long answer! Thanks for asking, and for the advice. when I see him tomorrow, I’m going to bring up my dislike of involvement with ex’s.



  126.  #126Emerson on March 7, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    I saw photosod myself and my vanity is kicking in…I have aged and put on weight..I’m already addressing my weight issue and I am not goin to get upset over a couple of u flattering photos!



  127.  #127Tereana on March 9, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Lisa, from #34 “Let go and let the man lead…. and you know what that has been ok as long as they lead the way I thought they should….”

    Yeah, I totally know this feeling…



  128.  #128Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 4:52 am

    ((((((((Holly J)))))))))))

    Sorry about all your pain

    DeDe welcome.