The Three Blessings For Thanksgiving

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Happy Thanksgiving!

And it’s not the “holiday” I celebrate (we all know the history of that is murky)…it’s the opportunity.

It’s the feeling that so many of us are doing it at once, that people are getting together in the same room with other people, that people are inviting other people, feeding other people, going to see other people, dealing with old emotions and triggers with other people, looking at the larger picture and focusing on generosity of material goods and spirit, even shopping with gusto (however we choose to look at that)…

At least there seems to be an opportunity here. A slogan. A message.

It’s so easy to say “Be Thankful” when you’re feeling good and thankful…but I know that if you’re feeling blue…you don’t really feel like thanking anyone for anything.

When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings.

And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble.

That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.

Here’s a simple Exercise my coach, Ryan Eliason, gave me long ago – it’s called The Three Blessings:

Before bed, simply find three things you might consider as blessings in your life, and say them.

For me, I could see my dog and say I feel blessed to have my dog near me.

I could feel blessed that I had a good dinner and a glass of water.

I could feel blessed to have a window next to the bed, so I can see green plants and flowers.

The next night, it might be three different things.

Makes no difference how big or small.

The point is just to bring your attention to something that you can think of like a blessing and that feels like a blessing (no matter what else the thought of anything at all being a blessing triggers in you).

If you try to think of the Three Blessings exercise as a way to “think positively” – you’ll trigger yourself more intensely – so try “formatting” it for yourself this way…

It’s just a way to sort of “clear the lens” you’re looking at the world through.

A way to “readjust” the projector of your perspective.

A way to “reset” your “internal viewpoint.”

A way to work with your mind, instead of focusing on your circumstances.

If you look at the exercise in this gentle way, and do it gently – you might find it kind of fun and good feeling.

For me – my first blessing is you.

The fact that you’re here, that you’re a part of this community, that you care, that you’re sharing love and honoring other women and working hard to change your “view” and try new thoughts on for size, that you’re willing to dive deep into the inner sea of your feelings and let them carry you through the world – that’s magic.

For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.

So my thanks in this moment is for the possibility that exists for each of us – no matter what things look like from behind our “lens.”

Let me know what your Three Blessings are tonight, and though I don’t believe I have any power to bless, if I did, it would feel incredible to be able to shower you all with blessings…so, because it feels so good to even consider it – I’ll just do it.

Blessings to you!

Love, Rori

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125 Comments

  1.  #1Maya on November 28, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Happy Thanksgiving to all you sirens, lets take this opportunity to be thankful for who we really are, wow I felt selfish for a second writing that, but loving ourselves is the one true gift we can share and can help people who are ready to be helped in so many ways, lots of love and light

    and this is a loving and desperate appeal to Rori:

    I am begging you from the depths of my heart to make the Heart Connection Toolkit available in mp3, I have been following you for years and have some of your programs but I live abroad and cannot benefit from the CD version, but would love to hear the information because I love your work. Thank you



  2.  #2Rori Raye on November 28, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Maya – Welcome, and I was under the impression that ALL the audios are available in mp3 – I’ll check into it! Love, Rori



  3.  #3Zia on November 28, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Happy thanksgiving to all the sirens in the US πŸ™‚



  4.  #4blue rose on November 28, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    happy Thanksgiving Sirens πŸ™‚



  5.  #5Tam on November 28, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Such a soothing post. I just cooked dinner for someone who then stood me up because he was spending time with another woman…amd pretended his phone broke and thought i am stupid enough not to know.
    How humiliating this feels.
    Though I ought to have known.
    I have been a low quality, egg shell doormat to this guy, whilst he will run afterr those high quality unattainable women who wouldn’t take him. However, if he gets the chance, he will drop me. And I was not even romantically involved with him anymore, but it hurts to expect someone for Thanksgiving dinner and then hear an hour after the time that you have been stood up.
    I am grateful for so many things, but my life is tough right now. And it seems that when things are tough, the punches just keep rolling in.



  6.  #6Luzydel on November 28, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    I am realizing that I am afraid of relationships; I mean real afraid and I dated so many men with no real substance because of it. I dated D**bags, because i wanted to be treated bad, so I didn’t get really attached…



  7.  #7Nancy on November 28, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    I am Thankful that I want to grow, develop and learn more about relating and growing in relationships and people. When I have doubts I am thankful for these sites that reaffirm our strength, our abilities and give us new ideas to ponder.



  8.  #8Hopeful on November 28, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    I feel feel blessed by singing in church this morning and listening to others share their gratitude.

    I feel blessed by a comforting meal with friends, followed by deep belly laughs.

    I feel blessed by my flannel sheets that are keeping me warm on a chilly November night!



  9.  #9LoveAlways on November 28, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    my three blessings today-
    I love love me – I’m gorgeous
    peace of mind from feeling gratefulness/satisfaction
    pure simple happiness



  10.  #10Zia on November 28, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    The old story of paying attention to a man’s actions instead of his words is my lesson for the moment. I feel surprised to hear a man pay me compliments, tell me how much he wanted to talk to me or meet me, behave in a very positive manner when I see him face to face, but then not to hear from him at all. It’s hard not to wonder why, and I’m not doing that. Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do (or don’t do). So, just keeping on being open to all the men I come across. I want to flirt with more men, it’s so much fun! I don’t want to ever be stuck on one man especially very very very early on in the game.



  11.  #11Zia on November 28, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Oh Tam, that feels so yucky πŸ™ Sending you big warm hugs.



  12.  #12Tam on November 28, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Thank you Zia!



  13.  #13Indigo on November 28, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    ((((Tam))))

    Happy Thanksgiving to all my US siren friends.



  14.  #14Indigo on November 28, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Well, I have been wading through the murky waters of getting over D for, well, months now.

    And last night, the clouds parted. Every now and then the planets align and you just have a fabulous night. I went out with a girlfriend last night for what I thought would be a quiet drink or two, anyway she was late, and I ended up being “adopted” by an incredibly cute guy who couldn’t stand to see me standing all by myself. When my two friends arrived, he stayed socializing with us the entire night, which lasted into the early hours of this morning. He wouldn’t let us pay for a single thing.

    What’s more, he was so easy and light and breezy to be around. I found myself laughing and giggling endlessly, despite the fact that I normally find these long evenings with people to be draining. I loved the way I felt in his presence – I felt light, confident, charming, flirtatious and just good inside. He didn’t make the mistake of pushing the boundaries of the conversation in any way, despite the fact that he was buying all the drinks.

    About two thirds of the way through the night he asked for my number, which of course I gave him and I just found myself feeling so pleasantly surprised because he was so cute. But then I thought “But I would be the greatest thing that ever happened to him, wouldn’t I?”

    He messaged me last night to check that I’d got home safely and to ask if he could take me out.

    Also last night, another guy whom I’d quite liked for a while who was there with us gave me a hug and a kiss, said it was a pleasure to see me and suggested we go out for a drink some time. So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty good about myself, which was really nice πŸ™‚



  15.  #15Zia on November 28, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Indigo – YAY! Love it!!



  16.  #16Emerson on November 28, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Aw Tam I am sorry!



  17.  #17mary on November 28, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    hi, it’s Mary here!

    i love this post, and there are so many things i could share about it, but i logged on to say how much i really loved the previous post!

    even today, i found myself in the middle of a “should have” thought… or maybe it was “shouldn’t have…” thought.

    i actually was thinking that I “shouldn’t have” married the guy i first married.

    but then i wouldn’t have the amazing, unbelievably beautiful girls i have.

    and who knows, i might be bored out of my mind in the stability of a long-term marriage instead of on a low from the high of a roller coaster ride.

    i was madly in love with this guy, though. and we were married for fifteen years. and many of those were such fun years! and i needed to go there and be with him to understand some of the things i didn’t want and to get acquainted with my own value system. i was so young and naive when we married! i didn’t even know much about life outside my parent’s house. i moved my stuff from their house to our house when i got married and was never even on my own.

    anyway, today i got caught in the thought that i “shouldn’t have” married him. it was a MISTAKE. so i thought i’d try the tool Rori shared in the last post…

    i moved him over to the left side. the things of my past.

    and i asked myself, what is the fear here? the fear of the future? and that was clear: the fear was a lifetime of more thanksgivings without a husband sitting next to me.

    and i moved that over to the right side. the things of the future.

    and i said, “hmmmmm… what do i have here before me here today?”

    and there was my beautiful mom and her sweet husband, who drove five hours to come and help me cook a thanksgiving dinner, and be with me so i wouldn’t be alone.

    (i just moved a long distance from where i’d been living for years and years, and i don’t know anyone here yet.)

    and then my ex-husband, the one i was thinking had been a mistake, texted over a song he wrote and sang about Thanksgiving… and he named all the people he was thankful for, and one of them was me.

    oh my.

    i’m so thankful i married him. and that i am where i am today! even though it might be a bit of a low at the moment…

    seasons change… eh?

    love and Happy Thanksgiving!

    Mary



  18.  #18Femininewoman on November 28, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    I feel blessed and thankful for life.

    I feel blessed I have health.

    I feel blessed I have a loving family.



  19.  #19Robin on November 29, 2013 at 2:36 am

    I found my guy on several online dating sites with different names. He tells me he loves me and he’s done for someone. I have a feeling he is not being honest with me or himself. A couple of nights ago after we made love I happened to look over at him and he was going through profiles on one of the dating sites. He first told me it was his email and then he said he was researching women to see if their picture was one he has on his Facebook and if they were scammers. I know sounds like a line of BS if you ask me. I found that to be a slap in the face and very disrespectful do you agree? And do you have any suggestions on how I should approach this sensitive subject with him? He told me “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean he could not look at the menu” than says to me “you shouldn’t be mad because he did not do anything wrong. He is a lost cause and a PLAYER? Should I cut my losses and move on? I’m very confused, please help.



  20.  #20Cris on November 29, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Thank you for that 3-blessings exercise!! I will for sure practise it as my “aha” moment came when I noticed how important is beeing grateful instead of wanting more

    xoxoxo



  21.  #21Amazed on November 29, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Hi Mary! I can relate to your situation…I got married when I was too young as well…but have 2 wonderful children from my marriage. I am very grateful for them and for the opportunity to start over. πŸ™‚



  22.  #22Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Thank you Zia πŸ™‚ me too



  23.  #23Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Mary 17,

    Isn’t that amazing? How we’re so tempted to categorise things in our lives as “mistakes” or “regrets”?

    How wonderful that you have a loving family who would drive all that way just so you didn’t have to be alone. Many people don’t have that.

    Love it.



  24.  #24Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 8:50 am

    I am thankful for my horse, who is always and always has been, a friend to me in a way no human can be.

    I am grateful for my family who, though imperfect, I adore with all my heart.

    I am thankful for legs which work, which can run and walk and jump and take me anywhere I want to go.



  25.  #25Lisa on November 29, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @Indigo that’s great news! Go girl! <3

    @Luzydel I can totally relate! I've been there… done that and still not 100% I'm out of it yet…

    "S" Is really decided that he has this knowing about me… that he has to have me….

    I think I'm out of feeling mode…. I'm not in touch with what I'm feeling about him…. but then again I feel unsure about him… so that is something…

    I had some slips last night with not using my feeling messages… but at least I recognize it and can begin again….

    So I have a BIG question for you ladies… I just now found out I have the night without my child…. "S" thinks I have her tonight – so we don't have any plans… I'm sure he might be hurt if I don't tell him, I'm free tonight after him asking me if I had plans… so but without leaning in too much…. trying to figure out how to let him know without expectations…

    I don't want to say "FYI I'm childless tonight" or I could say "I'm feeling excited about a blues band that is playing tonight?"

    Hummm

    any suggestions?

    OXOXO



  26.  #26CurvySiren10 on November 29, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Grinning madly reading your update Indigo! ~
    I hope this is a turning point for you! I feel like it may be from the “sounds” of your writings. Yay!!! Lots of love to you! πŸ™‚



  27.  #27Rori Raye on November 29, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Robin, You don’t say how long you’ve been fating him – AND – you don’t say why you’ve gone “exclusive” with him instead of just Circular Dating him….Read around here and see if you’ve gotten yourself into a trap just by leaping too early – he may or may not be a keeper. Personally, I would simply lose interest in a man who wasn’t giving me his undivided attention. (Oh – I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy. Love, Rori



  28.  #28Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Lisa, thank you πŸ™‚

    As to your question, aside from his feelings, what do *you* want for tonight? I think once you can establish that, the feeling message will come pretty easily.

    xx



  29.  #29Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Aww thanks CurvySiren, your post made me feel very smiley πŸ™‚

    You know it was just so wonderful, after all this angst, to get an honest-to-goodness, in body experience of what it felt like to feel totally happy and accepted and confident and wanted and light in a guy’s company. It was a tonic to the soul πŸ™‚

    Lots of love to you xx



  30.  #30Lisa on November 29, 2013 at 10:06 am

    @ Indigo I want to go to the bar that is playing the blues music…. so how to say that… without asking him out… I’m feeling excited about the blues band tonight ?

    Thanks!

    OXOX



  31.  #31Syreena on November 29, 2013 at 10:42 am

    A man who just made love with woman would not do that to a woman he had just made love to Robin.

    A man who had just had sex with a woman would.



  32.  #32Dominique on November 29, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Robin – 19 – At best this feels disrespectful. Yet it’s not what I think or feel which matters. How does this make YOU feel? Is this deal breaker territory? It would be for me and for many women. Is it for you?

    xxoo



  33.  #33Dominique on November 29, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Indigo – 15- πŸ™‚ Love to you.

    xxoo



  34.  #34Millie on November 29, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    This is a really little issue, but I feel like sharing…
    I went on 2 dates with this guy and both dates were really great. He said he was planning a birthday party and invited me and said he’d let me know the details when the plans were more solid. Two additional times he mentioned “I’ll let you know about the party” without me even asking. Then I don’t hear from him for a few days. My friends invited me out for that same night so since I hadn’t heard from him I said yes. I felt kind of weird about it since technically I had committed to going to his birthday thing. So, yesterday I just asked him about it…told him my friends had invited me out and I’d like to go and hadn’t heard from him about his event. He said he was planning to go out to a bar with all his friends instead of a house party and he said go to dinner with your friends and then come to the bar after. I left it open at “maybe.” I feel weird about going because he and I have only gone out twice and haven’t even kissed. Plus I don’t feel like my presence is really wanted……anyway just felt like sharing. I’m not going to go unless he makes a point of really wanting me there.



  35.  #35Femininewoman on November 29, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I can’t see the comments



  36.  #36Femininewoman on November 29, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    mmmm The blog is still acting weird for me.



  37.  #37Lisa on November 29, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    @Robin If it were me, I’d honor those feelings you mentioned when you said he is a lost cause and a player… For me, personally, I’d cut the losses and moved on asap… For me, those would be considered “lines” I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu… of bunch of BS is right on for me… but that is my thoughts…

    Do what feels right for you and your love of yourself…. listen to your gut…

    OXOXO



  38.  #38Lisa on November 29, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    “S” had plans…. which is wonderful! cuz I felt uneasy about asking him about blues band… and it’s really great! b/c I felt off the hook… and I needed a break to think….get in touch with my emotions about him….

    and emotions are coming up…

    old c’d’s resurfacing…. oh dear… ok but since “S” hasn’t had the talk with me about exclusivity or being his girlfriend, and he made a point to say, “we’re working on being committed”… then I shouldn’t feel the least bit uneasy about meeting or even dating other c’d…. even though “S” told me he is “in it ” with me… and can’t date more than woman at a time… it’s too crazy for him… he didn’t even ask me about me or what I’m doing….

    Not sure how to respond to “J”… he is the one that was going to call and said he was too nervous and then did it again but called 4 days later… so he is now resurfacing and asking “if I’ve met anyone yet”…. not sure how to respond to that…. scripting get’s hard at times…

    Hummm practicing here…. I feel curious hearing from you…. I’m open to chatting with you.” but that doesn’t answer his question…. hummm

    OXOXO



  39.  #39Tereana on November 29, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Indigo (14) – yay! That sounds like such an awesome evening πŸ™‚

    Tam – Oh no : (( I’m sorry. that sounds just awful. ((TAM)) I hope something good happened for you later in the day, or that you at least did something nice for yourself. Holidays build a lot of expectations, and it feels so much worse when someone lets you down. You know you deserve much better. You don’t even need to think about it. He can have the other woman if he wants her, and you will come out on top. ‘Cause you’re a rock star πŸ™‚

    x0



  40.  #40Tereana on November 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I just saw the movie “frozen” with my aunt. It really is a cute, lovely film, and I recommend it.

    It got me thinking. And tonight, I decided to write a letter that’s all for me, and it’s about the guy in california, but I’m not even thinking of writing to him or contacting him. It was all just to get my thoughts out and help me “process.” And I’m glad I did. Because once I wrote it, I saw clearly that what I really need to do – and the best way to “love” him right now, is to love him with space. I remembered that he is a guy who needs his alone time. He’s like me. If he doesn’t get it, he’ll feel cranky, trapped, and pressured. I don’t want him to feel like that. And I’ve been crowding him. So I can back off – really back off – and let him breathe. And then he’ll be so much happier to contact me in the future. I feel good about that.

    And I’ve got other guys texting me and messaging me. I’m working on my own life, and dealing with family. It is all challenging and heart-wrenching, and Good, in the capital-G kind of way. Meaning that it doesn’t always feel wonderful, but it is all to a purpose. And that’s what is good about it.

    I trust the Universe. I trust myself. I trust my intuition, and my deep self-knowledge that I haven’t really made any mistakes. It will all be taken care of, in the best way, and in the right time.

    And today, I feel grateful for that. I feel grateful for the bathroom that is attached to the bedroom I am in. I feel grateful that the bedroom is warm.

    And a bonus: I feel grateful for writing, and grateful that the blog is here for me to write in when I need it.

    Thank you!!

    And Happy (day-after) Thankfulness Day : )



  41.  #41Tereana on November 29, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    P.S. It’s fear. Fear of losing him is what makes me feel like I want to chase him down and “talk” to him, to make sure he’s still interested. But honestly, if he doesn’t want what I want, and I lose him, then it’s for the best. If he is thinking right now about what he wants, then that’s even better. But I can’t control any of that. All I can do is be here and feel how I feel, and try to get my own life to be in a shape that makes me feel happy and comfortable. And then I will be more receptive to all kinds of things, and have a better basis for making the kinds of decisions to really only let in what I want. And/or, I can start now, but already deciding to only let in what I want. Hm, that thought feels good…ok, I’m getting sleepy. good night, sirens!



  42.  #42Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Thanks Dominique πŸ™‚ Lots of love.



  43.  #43Indigo on November 29, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    Thanks Tereana πŸ™‚ it was the best evening I’ve had in a looong time.



  44.  #44Zia on November 29, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    41 Tereana – funny isn’t it how the fear of losing someone makes us instantly want to talk or chase or somehow make them give us an answer, and it always has the opposite affect! Go you πŸ™‚



  45.  #45Sophie on November 30, 2013 at 2:02 am

    Indigo – it feels great reading about your night ‘yay!’

    Tam (((Hugs))) I agree with everyone else that sucks I hope you found some good feeling stuff to do

    Lisa – do you have to answer his question? πŸ™‚ would ‘hey, feels good to hear from you? do?

    Tereana – love your post – I feel similar about my life at the moment – it’s got it’s troubles but somehow I feel faith in a stronger way than ever before that everything’s working out for me..

    Feel so grateful at the moment for everything – very, very blessed xxx



  46.  #46Corin on November 30, 2013 at 4:37 am

    I feel scared but proud of myself.

    Ways that I’m following ‘Rori’s way’:
    Respecting his decision to move his stuff in on his own and not take it personally
    Listen to him without interrupting when he told me how scared he felt about moving in when things were not great between us
    Telling him that I felt scared too bit also excited and that I did not want to fall into the convincer role by trying to persuade him that it was the right thing to do
    Letting myself cry and show my emotions
    Doing quite well at not blaming him for how he feels or making him wrong for how he feels. I did tell him I thought he was wrong about some things and fell into the therapist role by talking about how his fears of being emotionally overwhelmed may have developed. But I didn’t talk about this until he invited me to do so, I think offering our opinion is ok as long as it’s not unsolicited. I also then took care of my feeling when I felt the desire to keep pushing in a therapist role to get him to a certain point. I was honest and told him that I felt the urge to fix things but I knew I could not do that.

    Ways I can take care of myself right now rather than sit stewing and waiting for him:
    Do some shopping chores to take care of my own finances and not depend on him
    Sort out my flat so it feels good to me and I have my things in a place I am happy with
    Eat food that is healthy and that takes care of me
    Do some yoga
    Work on my Uni assignment
    Visit the art space open studios
    Go to the sewing workshop tomorrow and maybe spend some of the day in the Uni library so I give both of us space
    Let myself cry whenever I want to

    I feel proud of me. I love the part of me that feels scared and wants to fix our relationship and convince him to want to be with me. I will always be with me, I will never abandon me and if I do I will come back again



  47.  #47Lisa on November 30, 2013 at 6:49 am

    @ Sophie yes! that would work! thanks<3
    @Tereana I loved that movie too had some really great insight for anyone about being desperate, and how love grows and love will un-freeze a heart… I loved it too! Thanks for sharing <3
    @Corin sounds lovely <3 Great your taking care of you…

    OXOXO



  48.  #48kyla on November 30, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Mmm went on a first date with T last night and it felt so good and then it went in a weird direction
    He knows Im relationship material, knows he wants to pursue me, get to know me and doesnt need any distraction, talked about closing down his profile, asked how i wnted to proceed… ooh i was getting awesome practice with listening, feeling messages and speeches and it came up a few times and i started to feel icky.. he drank too much and wasnt able to drive me home so he got me a taxi, after i turned down staying at his place about 5 times and he invited me to a party tonight that i could bring my kids too it took a while before we accepted that i didnt feel good about it and he invited himself over to my place for several days this week.. lots of practice slow down mister too much



  49.  #49Luzydel on November 30, 2013 at 7:06 am

    I feel weird with online dating; I feel the same feeling I had when I was younger and wanted to break up with someone. Being with the person wasn’t satisfying anymore, but It was hard to just break it off. I feel so empty when I am in POF browsing, these men have no intellect or essence, they are just a cookie cutter of each other.

    I do not see myself meeting someone with a soul there. And even if there is someone, all the other ones will make it difficult to get to him. I feel tired again… POF and all the other websites make me feel so empty and sad. This is not about the men anymore, but about how this dating sites take away the uniqueness of each participant and they all turn into a generic clone. No essence, no nothing… I feel empty when I do online dating…



  50.  #50Cris on November 30, 2013 at 8:10 am

    @Corin so wise and well down. Thnaks for sharing it



  51.  #51Lisa on November 30, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Red flags are coming up… not many…. but still red flags…. though I have to say, that this one is way much better in so many ways….

    So, the quandary is to stay and consider working through the red flags with feeling messages or move on… This man loves to serve me… he says he lives for it… he said he has to do it, he needs it… I know now what so many relationship experts say about men… and I was with men that didn’t get that…. and he communicates so beautifully! it’s easy with him…. so I’m inclined to stay awhile longer and see what might happen with feeling messages… and telling him what my needs are…. in a partner

    Hummmm tonight will be our first night spending the night together, no sex yet… and I’m loving how he just opens his heart to me..

    He rescued me today , without any type of noise or hesitation at all! I ran out of gas, he came to me… and said anything for you

    I’m still getting used to this new planet and so much vastly different than the last ….. but it feels so good… to be cherished and revered… and to see a man that face lights up when he can do something for me….

    @Luzydel I had that same feeling and thoughts about online dating but though fee and maybe far between I did eventually meet so amazing men with souls… and my current man “S” was on Ok Cupid…

    OXOXOX



  52.  #52Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I have no patience for lots of back and forth texting for days with no set plans.
    Sometimes i jusr wake up one day and feel at re end if my tolerance for something. I don’t know how else to say it. I took my online profiles down for the time being because it seems that I’m attracting men who want fast easy casual sex. I’m not interested.



  53.  #53Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    49 wow luzydel!!
    That is so hitting the mark with how I feel too.



  54.  #54Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I’m feeling on edge today and hoping I feel better tomorrow



  55.  #55Luzydel on November 30, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Lisa Funny a few months ago I met an “S” just like your “S”, he paid for my gas once and helped me with stuff… then it got ‘creepy’… he used to say he liked to be needed and that that helped him forget about his own issues. He wasn’t as good and reliable as he pretended to be. He got sexually aggressive and mean. I felt scared and unsafe and after saying he wanted a relationship he changed to I will not love another woman again I just want an FWB. I broke it off over text because it felt safe that way. He eventually stopped contact.

    My point is that when someone says that like to be needed it can be a control issue; hopefully you “s” is a good “S” and he really means to be reliable and helpful… πŸ™‚



  56.  #56Linda G on November 30, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Tonight I feel thankful for

    A warm and quiet house I can call my own

    My two teenage children I have raised all by myself, with the help of my parents;although they have missed experiences younger and more traditional families have, they are nice kids, they feel safe and happy at home

    I feel gratitude that I am able to delve into my inner quiet, where I am learning to grow, discover my passions and how to connect to the world



  57.  #57Linda G on November 30, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    After reading a few posts regarding on line dating sites, I find some of them, like POF are very random and are more of a numbers game, which I agree is exasperating
    PS zoosk is even worse



  58.  #58Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I feel numb and like I lost my sparkle. Maybe it’s called serif reality and that most relationships don’t last.8
    I feel sad writing that.
    I don’t want it to be true.
    I feel scares that all the good ones are taken.



  59.  #59Linda G on November 30, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    And it does feel so good when a man likes to serve us or give us things. I always have to remind myself of something Rori said in one of her programs, probably Targeting Mr Right

    A diva is never grateful for a man meeting her needs, because he is supposed to

    Appreciative, yes, but we don’t owe them anything for doing so



  60.  #60Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    57 Linda I tried evow and it was horrible.



  61.  #61Linda G on November 30, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Emerson, I feel you
    All the good ones are not taken, almost anyone (who is not a sociopath) can be a good one, it’s a matter of finding the one who is the good one for you; the one who makes you feel good



  62.  #62Linda G on November 30, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    I try to look at the guys on dating sites as the worker bees who are training me for the big time



  63.  #63Luzydel on November 30, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    I think I only going for the ones I feel are very good looking; if I am going to get disappointed, at least I am going to have a little fun before. No more give a chance to so so guys that I do not really feel it.



  64.  #64Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    I think I will buy myself one of Roris audio coaching for myself for Xmas! I’m thinking targeting mr right or relationship blueprint …



  65.  #65Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Thanks Linda G …

    I feel that even the guys with not so great jobs, looks or profiles make very minimal effort I.e. asking out for proper dates , etc. they are lazy and even cheap. Or their heart is not in it so why waste my time. I’m kinda over spending time on pointless countless practice dates.



  66.  #66Emerson on November 30, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Blech…I’m feeling so over all of it



  67.  #67Luzydel on November 30, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Once i am at this level where Practice to build confidence is not so much necessary, Most people on OLD (online dating) are boring and I do not want to give a not so good looking, smart, interesting man a chance, because they may be the good ones… I am going for the good looking, good spellers, and interesting only… and those are very few, so I am probably going on dates once every two months if I am lucky….

    Never settle, go for what you want… no more yucky guys…



  68.  #68Indigo on November 30, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Luzydel and Emerson,

    I sort of know what you are saying. During breaks from D, I really gave online dating a shot, and I went on dates with about 20 guys, some of whom turned into second and third dates. Two of them turned into “dating for six weeks”.

    Nothing was ever awakened in my heart in even the slightest way for any of them.

    It all really brought me back to the (very wonderful) realization that this is all about me, and my growth and development, my path. And when *I* am ready, when the time is right on *my* journey, the right guy will start to appear.

    It brought me to the realization that there is nothing I can do to hurry the process up. No more furiously wading through countless profiles for me, weighing up human beings on superficial merits. No.

    I choose me. I choose my heart. I choose my feelings. And if that should ever lead me back to online dating, all well and good. For now, it’s leading me on a very gentle process of healing where I am not leaning forward to “find” guys whatsoever. When guys come across my path, I will be feminine, charming, soft and kind. But I will not chase down the possibility of “the one” and a relationship in my mind. I will let my life unfold.

    This is what has been true for me.



  69.  #69Indigo on November 30, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    Lisa,

    Yay for you πŸ™‚

    If it feels good, maybe go with that and see what unfolds.



  70.  #70Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 1:00 am

    Just got this in an email from Mama Gena

    Mama Gena’s Daily Fluff:
    All of us can momentarily focus too much attention on accomplishing the goal and forget to pay attention to our pleasure. That is the precise moment to take a break



  71.  #71Zia on December 1, 2013 at 1:32 am

    Indigo 67 – this is where I am at too πŸ™‚



  72.  #72Femininewoman on December 1, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Indigo I just love how you stay focused on the positive even in murky waters. Isn’t it wonderful how it keeps you feeling light and floaty like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. I am here practicing with “what you focus on grows”. πŸ™‚

    Feeling grateful for life, a new month and the endless possibilities of a new year.



  73.  #73Indigo on December 1, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Aah thank you Feminine Woman – BIG hugs xx

    Yeah that is exactly how it feels… and it reminds me that is what I am.

    It has also enabled me to provide some much-needed positivity and love and strength to my best friend, who is going through the same thing.

    xx



  74.  #74Femininewoman on December 1, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Indigo I just love how positive you are. Your light is shining brightly even over here.



  75.  #75Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Not to go off topic, but I just got cyber dumped by a guy I never met because I did not respond to a text he sent, saying I was beautiful.

    Thankfully, I have a lunch date with someone else.



  76.  #76April Rose on December 1, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Hiya gorgeous ladies πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚



  77.  #77Syreena on December 1, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Unbelievable or predictable. MMMM ponders!

    So someone I dated a couple of times did the asking me out and not responding to me last e mail of when and where are you thinking when last asking me for another date.
    So just left it and got on with my life not really tto bothered.

    So now he pops back up after a few weeks saying chatting seems to have slowed down lets meet up for a date soon. WTF.

    Doh yes chatting has been zero as he didn’t respond to my question of meeting up,

    Really do not know if I can be bothered to even respond to give him another chance to do repeat the same pattern.

    Better things to do with my time me thinks.



  78.  #78--;-@ Violet @-;-- on December 1, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Hello Ladies…

    Long time; no post! I’ve read several comments in reference to toxic behavior. I recently ended a ‘friendship’ with a man who exhibited what is called, Passive/Aggressive Behavior.

    I recognized the behavior early on, however; didn’t think it would extent to me. It turned into one of those, ‘I should have known better’ lessons and I learned it at my own expense.

    Ending the toxic relationship proved to be the best thing I have done. I knew I deserved better and did something about it.

    There seems to be a fine line between knowing/doing the right thing and knowing/doing what I want.

    Doing the right thing takes courage, however; it confirms self-worth. Doing what I want doesn’t always equate to what is best.

    The lessons learned are more than I can write. One is to follow what I know to be true (for myself). It may not agree with someone else’s agenda, but they’re not the one dealing with the consequences.

    Another lesson: Knowing I deserve better than I was getting and letting go of the notion he would change.

    and another: There’s a saying that goes, ‘We teach people how to treat us.’ I told this man, ”I won’t be around ANYONE who thinks it’s okay to disrespect and call me names”

    Passive/Aggressive people will find reasons to justify their behavior. Ergo.. He will find reasons to justify his actions despite what I said to him.

    It becomes incumbant for me not to buy into his reasoning and let go of making what he says and does more important than what I know to be true.

    Thank you for reading this, Violet



  79.  #79Luzydel on December 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

    So …

    I was lurking ok cupid just because someone’s post here reminded me I had a hidden profile there, so I reopened yesterday and started being same negative me about men’s profiles πŸ˜‰ then this cute specimen of a man sent me an email saying he enjoyed my profile and I replied. We met today at a local B&N and it was very good, he is handsome and smart and ahhh…. ok I know I just met him and blah blah… but I am so glad I gave the cute one a chance and stop analyzing stuff. I tend to think men like that will only want sex with me or will never think of me romantically. Truth is he was a total gentleman and very clear on what he wanted and like me he was just browsing OKc because he was bored. he held my hand and I let him, I usually remove my hands when men try this and this time enjoyed his warm hands… And he is so smart! ok I hope we meet again because he’s quite a catch so far…



  80.  #80--;-@ Violet @-;-- on December 1, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    78: Luzydel…

    I’m curious to the reasons for negativity on men’s profiles? Is this a reaction from perceived negative treatment of you by men?

    Please don’t take this the wrong way. Sometimes; I think there is truth that people create their own reality.

    When people take action against others based on negative perceptions; they perpetuate the same attitute they believe they recieved.

    This is easier said than done; but I try to recognize that the responsibility lies with me in how I present myself.

    The consequences of my words and actions can serve to uplift or tear down others.

    To what end does tearing down others achieve!? Especially as it comes at the expense of integrity.

    Thank you for reading this, Violet



  81.  #81LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Hi sirens

    Online dating doesn’t feel good to me anymore. I want a different way of meeting men. No new CDs in a while but I’m enjoying dating myself very much. I will always do this – for the rest of my life, treat me like a queen. Sets a whole new vibe for dating. I’m feeling excited again



  82.  #82LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Going through targeting mr right again to shore up on some skillz



  83.  #83LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    And then love scripts



  84.  #84Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I find going to meet ups or local singles events can be more fun than dating sites sometimes, you get to skip a step…



  85.  #85LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Linda G
    It’s the whole energy of ” looking” that gets me. I’m not looking anymore. I’m living instead. Men must look for me. I am out there each day to be seen. Tired of appearing like I’m looking. Suspect I’ll meet the next guy just being somewhere



  86.  #86Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Rori, girls

    I have a dilemma and I hope I don’t sound like an awful person here…..

    My son is in high school, he has a very good friend since about the 3rd grade. Over the years, our families have become very close, emergencies, can my kid hang out at your house. So we can go out, away….

    His friend’s father has always been he nurturing parent, birthday pries, ball games, teacher conferences, taken care of the household, all while having a successful professional career.

    We became very close, no, wait, it gets worse than what you might think, or maybe actually it’s not so bad.
    About 5 years ago, she developed cancer and over the last several years, all his attention was spent as a caregiver.

    She passed this October, I visited her at home and at hospital, always supportive, close, friendly. We were truly fond of each other, birthdays, etc.

    I sort of developed an interest in him over the years, we have a strong connection. People we both know have nudged me and implied….it would feel so weird, yet….

    I have helped deaccession her collection of fashions, been the good friend and neighbor. I don’t want to slip into mommy mode, sister mode….



  87.  #87Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    And now, I have met a new man with the same name whose if also just passed, and he is very busy online dating, though still healing. We had lunch and he talked out lot of issues. I smiled, leaned back, tried to stay sexy and girlie to not slip into therapist friend zone



  88.  #88LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Good for you Linda G!
    Hold your space and let them lean in!



  89.  #89Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    Love Always, thanks for the encouragement, and yes, I agree, just being and not searching feels more divine and less desperate.
    Just get out there where there are men! (That’s for me)



  90.  #90LoveAlways on December 1, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Linda G
    I am trying
    To be out there
    Connecting
    Flirting
    Smiling
    No expectation
    No interest except in myself and what I’m busy doing
    πŸ™‚
    I am the prize
    I am the queen , high priestess , empress
    The lovely woman smiling to herself



  91.  #91Luzydel on December 1, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I guess this new CD was a message to not give up in men yet… a few can be good. Just be patient…



  92.  #92Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Serenely majestic, LA…love it!

    Luzydel; exactly



  93.  #93Lisa on December 1, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    @Luzydel YAY!!! way to go! Awesome! Yes, OK has turned out some nice men for me too…

    @ Luzydel yes, some men do turn into mean and controlling.. I’ve had my share… I don’t get that feeling from this man.. he has done so much work on himself.. and he communicates so clearly. But MY eyes are wide open!

    @Indigo thanks! <3

    Spent the night….it went well, and he made me breakfast in bed… though I had anxiety when I left him…and the NV's came in.. and then he called me to tell me how grateful he is for me and I left some things there…

    So he told me I'm a goddess… and you know what… I do feel I am… and I feel now that, like he said, any man would be very proud to have me… I'm starting to really act like ( more now) a Queen, the prize…

    and I have no qualms about it…. handing men my coat to have them help me put it on… and I have no issue with saying what I want now…

    So, I'm not clear where this is going with "S" and I don't EVEN worry about it…. I really am not the least bit focused on the future with this man. I feel so confident now that I could walk away, at any time, if I need to…. and there are lots of other men that would be honored to have me too.

    I haven't said " I love you" to him yet, b/c I'm not there yet, and he keeps telling me…. and I'm taking it in, and loving it …. not feeling any need to say it back to him, until I actually feel it… and that feels so freeing…

    All I know now is that, right now! it feels good… and I'm on a different planet than I was 4 mos ago…and I'm so tickled that I'm attracting better masculine men…

    OXOXOX



  94.  #94Linda G on December 1, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Awesome, Lisa. You are in a great place! Hooray for you!



  95.  #95Indigo on December 1, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Aww thanks FW, that really means a lot to me. x



  96.  #96Zia on December 1, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Sounds like a lot of us are in the online dating boat! I figure that I’m getting into a good time to meet people out and about, christmas parties and people generally being more social. Will re-visit online dating once the christmas/new years period is over.



  97.  #97Indigo on December 1, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    So, the guy from Thursday night texted me yesterday afternoon, and after some sweet back and forth, got to planning a date for Tuesday night.

    I feel all cosy and curious πŸ™‚

    He seems… very unaffected and normal, which I find attractive.



  98.  #98Emerson on December 1, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Wow Linda G! Interesting!
    Can’t wait to hear what happens. Impressive that you’re staying in girl mode, I can easily slip into therapist mode///

    Anyways I have been corresponding with a couple of men and I found out they are in relationships/ live with girlfriend etc …
    It’s such bullshit.
    I feel disgusted.



  99.  #99Linda G on December 2, 2013 at 3:54 am

    It’s almost impossible, Emerson, especially when starting out as friends.

    I haven’t gotten to actually meeting men who have girlfriends, (at least I don’t think so) but I have managed to weed out a few on line encounters of guys who are still married, (you know, separated but living at home)
    It’s a waste of time I agree, but helps sharpen the radar. I try to stay away from anyone who is separated, this sounds too recent and unresolved

    I also wonder about men who are in the 50’s and have never been married



  100.  #100Veronica on December 2, 2013 at 4:47 am

    I’m thankful for coming across and knowing good people.

    I’m thankful for having the time and space to fall apart and re-build.

    I’m thankful for quiet reminders that despite what happened or didn’t happen I’m still growing.



  101.  #101Veronica on December 2, 2013 at 4:48 am

    Lisa and Indigo – you both sound wonderful!



  102.  #102Veronica on December 2, 2013 at 4:57 am

    Last week I had this short moment when I felt completely at ease with the idea of not hearing from BM again. I remember thinking ‘No, I don’t want this kind of contact, it’s not worth it.’

    And yesterday I wish I could erase that sunday afternoon loneliness.

    Today I like me, my wobbliness and insecurity – I felt cool, as in I was the bees’ knees.



  103.  #103Lisa on December 2, 2013 at 7:49 am

    @Veronica Oh wow that is so wonderful of you to say! Thanks! <3

    @LindaG I've dated men in their 50's who have never been married… and mostly I'm asking them about long term relationships – b/c that can really matter, not everyone is looking for marriage or have met the one they would marry. But if a man hasn't had many long term relationships at 50 for me, that might be a sign… it could still work, just might be a thing to keep my eye on…

    I'm realizing that I'm not feeling ready for commitment right now… and though I do need exclusivity when being sexual with a man, I think "S" is wanting more than that now… I'm feeling stressed about "giving up" my freedom right now.
    and I don't know how to "deal" with it now…

    I have men coming at me out of the woodwork and it's hard now ….. how to deal with this…

    I know with men it is there desire to reduce competition and "get" a woman to get her off the menu… at the same time, I'm feeling what Rori has said is that women do fear losing their freedom …. and I am now… for sure…. dam*&^n…

    Man this is hard….I did some much better before dating 3 men at once…and this time that didn't happen… and "S" ask me if we are in a relationship now?

    Uggg

    OXOXOX



  104.  #104Indigo on December 2, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Lisa,

    Re: losing your freedom.

    I so know what you mean!

    I think it’s a lot easier when a guy plays it a little bit cool, doesn’t pressure you, takes things at an organic pace, doesn’t bombard you…

    I find it a lot easier to contemplate being with a guy like that because I get the sense he will respect my independence.

    <3 xx



  105.  #105Indigo on December 2, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Thank you Veronica πŸ™‚

    <3



  106.  #106Femininewoman on December 2, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Lisa I am sure you know what you are doing, just reading your comment it crossed my mind to say it is okay to tell him you wish to take things slow until your heart knows for sure and tells you that it wants to be in a relationship. Also have you considered a time boundary? Many people tend to begin to show who they really are at around 6 months.



  107.  #107Mandy on December 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Rori, sirens…

    If the sex is gone not because of commitment issues or him not wanting to depend the relationship but because he feels awful about himself, work isn’t going well, and he has psychological issues with intimacy that aren’t related to me… what’s the correct step for me to take, will Love Scripts help me? I have thought about reading up on Tantra like you told Ayesha, or taking baby steps, such as just laying together and saying how it feels, going further if it feels good and stopping if not, etc…I’m even trying to find a sex counselor. What would you suggest?



  108.  #108Emerson on December 2, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Luzydel I feel muchas curious to find out what will happen with this man you met! That is great news.

    I felt so hopeful about CuteCityCD but I’m moving past him now. It would feel good to have that spark of hopefulness again because right now I am not in that space perse’.

    Violet yes we create our own realities but a man that is not compatible with me for one reason or another is just a fact. I’m at the age and stage where I can say “that’s not for me…” i.e., he’s a heavy drinker, pot smoker, in debt, lots of kids, mama drama, or none of those things but expects the woman to do all the legwork for the dating to happen and I am not going to so the dating never happens…lol…etc. No way. I know what you mean about creating our own realities that’s why I’m intending to focus on what type of relationship I want and in the meantime I’m allowing myself to feel these hopeless feelings and sadness so I can move past it….in time I will…

    Linda G please keep us posted how it goes…I am curious…
    And thanks for replying to my comments :-))



  109.  #109Tereana on December 2, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Thanks, Sophie, Zia and Lisa!

    I haven’t had time to catch up on all the comments that have happened in the last few days, so I’m sure I’ve missed a lot.

    The process continues.

    Two nights ago, I wrote out a letter to the Guy that I thought I might actually send. It wasn’t overly emotional, just telling him how I was feeling, etc. I felt good about it. But I didn’t send it. I slept on it. And in the morning, I felt happy that I hadn’t sent it. So I didn’t do anything else about it.

    Meanwhile, another guy has been blowing up my phone with lots of texts. And we used to date, and it ended (somewhat) badly. But we never actually had sex. He was one guy that I seemed to perceive – after the fact, of course – that he really had his sights set on a relationship, not just a one-off, or a hook-up, or an FWB situation. There was some nastiness. But after reaching out to him recently (in a group email, so not just him), he got back in touch with me, and we’ve been chatting back and forth. I’m not feeling any particular attraction. For me, it’s like of like, well, I’ve already been there. And also just the ephemeral sense memory of the pain that emerged after we started getting close. I don’t think I could go there again. What’s the phrase? One bitten, twice shy? Anyway, I’m not really interested, but it feels tickly that he keeps contacting me, and it’s fun to flirt and play along.

    I called my guy friend in CA yesterday, and we had a really nice conversation. He is just a really, really, nice, good guy. And there again, I don’t feel terribly turned on by him. But he’s always nice to talk to. He’s very intuitive, and always has a lot of neat insights to things without being judgmental. And he has a huge rambunctious dog. Lol.

    The other guy – totally silent.

    And the silence is… argh!

    I’m starting to wonder if the feeling that I’m having, of wanting to contact him, is legitimate. That is, when I have a nagging sense about something, there is a usually a reason. And there is a reason if I can knock some things off the list of why I would want to contact him. Is it desperation? Hm. Well, I’d like to say not. But there might be a hint of that. I have this libido, and he’s the last person who had anything to do with that, so… but he’s not desperate to contact me. So why should I be desperate to contact him? OK.

    Is it selfish? Do I want to contact him for my own selfish reasons? I guess I might. I want to contact him so I can “get answers.” I “want to know” what the deal is. I want to know what I can expect. And I want to know that we have an agreement (and that the agreement is, we don’t sleep with anyone else but each other, until further notice). He is the one who actually brought this idea up, which is why I want to follow up and get answers.

    But it’s not all about me. The message that I have written is at least somewhat about him. Not in a blamey way. It’s about my feelings. But about how my feelings and desires might affect him.

    Third question: Do I have an agenda? (That is, is there a “correct” answer that I want to hear back.) No, yeah, maybe, sort of, kinda. Ok, fine. Yes, what I want to hear is that he wants only to sleep with me. I just know that that would get me off and make me feel super happy. But I’m fishing for it. And that feels awful. I don’t want to fish for it.

    But, in the message I had prepared, I told him how sexy that would make me feel, and then just said, “What do you think?”

    I haven’t sent it yet, mind you.

    But I’m getting a little bit closer.

    The thing that’s bothering me, is that, even though we do kind of have an agreement, I wasn’t fully understanding what he was asking me at the time – he was asking me for exclusivity! I can’t believe I missed it. It was a great opportunity. And instead of saying, “Heck yeah, that sounds great!” I gave him this BS thing about how I want babies and marriage and kids and I didn’t want to promise him anything. Cue the gag reflex and the scratching records. G-d, it’s so lame. Even I can’t stand it. Way to kill a mood.

    So I guess, the real reason that I want to write to him, is that I want to get the mood back… I feel like my message to him just created this really demanding situation. He said “no pressure,” and “let’s just see what happens.” That sounds fine.

    But I don’t want to “just see what happens.” I want the fun back. I want to feel the fun and the connection, and the sexy. Hey, even if it isn’t permanent. It doesn’t have to be. Permanent can be somebody else. Permanent can be someone who does want kids, which he doesn’t. But “permanent” guy isn’t here right now. And nothing is really permanent anyway. So we might as well have fun.

    Okay, well. Zia, I really liked what you wrote, in response to what I wrote, about fear of losing someone causing us to “chase.” Totally. But that might also not be the whole story. I’m going to keep working on my message, and working on myself. As long as I don’t feel like I am “chasing” him down, or making demands, or expecting something to happen, specifically; and if I write from my place of Awesomeness and confidence, then I think I can pull it off. It’s all about self expression. The full expression of the yoga pose that I want to hold, and then breathe through it to the next place. It’s a practice. That’s all this is. It’s a practice. Breath first, then movement. Awareness of what I’m feeling and letting that lead me to the place I want to be.

    Okay, here we go.



  110.  #110Tereana on December 2, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Mandy – I have never been in your situation. But “leaning back” is of course the main thing that we do here, as sirens, in any given situation. This means, not forcing or pressuring him to do anything. Taking your mind off whatever is bothering you and focusing on what is in your life, right in front of you, that you can do to make yourself happier.

    (Duly noted that is good advice for me as well ; )

    AND, that being said, you already have a relationship with this man, it sounds like. And what you described – lying together and saying how it feels, and then seeing where you want to go with it. I think that sounds really cool. If he is open to it, I don’t see that it could hurt. In fact, while you are doing that, you can practice “leaning back” even while lying down. While you are facing him, you can pull your body ever so slightly away, and “melt” into the mattress with your body while looking into his eyes. One tip: don’t EXPECT that this will instantly make him feel sexual. It might not. But it will give you a chance to focus on how you feel. And then observe his response.

    In fact, it sounds so great, I would say, don’t just try this once. Try it ten nights in a row, for just 5 or ten minutes before going to bed. I bet each night, it will feel totally different. And if nothing else, you get a chance to bond and just be with each other. This in itself may help your man feel better about himself.

    But honestly, it is not your responsibility how he feels about himself. That is his choice and his responsibility. All you can do is be there for him, and support him, no matter what. Even if that means he’s not feeling sexy right now. Because he might in the future : )

    And dang, but that just helped me with my own thing that I’m dealing with. I’m hanging on!



  111.  #111Mandy on December 2, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Thank you so much Tereana. I have noticed I’ve myself reverted back to some old ways and I had started closing off a little so I got the Love Scripts. It’s been helping a lot with that. I definitely need to lean back more. I’ve been paying for everything for awhile now and that’s not leaning back at all. I feel pretty off about it. Pretty over-functioned.

    I just got a call for couples therapy and they are going to assess our situation and hopefully match us up with someone. With that, he can work on him, and with this, I can work on me and also have a connection to the therapy he’s getting.

    I have been taking myself on little dates also…got a new haircut, which looks fabulous…and am still losing weight, 38 lbs gone, 32 to go…:) So whatever happens I am on a right track to feeling lovely..:)



  112.  #112Amber on December 3, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    HI! I just finished reading Rori’s book and watching Dating Scripts, twice. Does anyone have any advice which program I should move on to next? I am a single girl just out of a long relationship. Although I tell myself I’m over ‘T’ I know I’m not. I want to move on. All suggestions welcomed with love. Cheers!



  113.  #113LM on December 3, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Mandy,

    I was in a similar situation, with a “Difficult Man” and I finally decided to end it, after working with a couples/sex counselor for six months. It seemed like when I “put down the oars” my significant other resented it and told me my “vibe” had changed, but he resisted picking up the oars and pursuing me. Would come over to spend time and/or go out and would not even hug or kiss me hello! I stopped asking for sex, tired of getting turned down, and he didn’t bother wanting me, because of…WELL, now, it doesn’t really matter WHY he didn’t want sex with gorgeous, sexy, awesome ME, does it? The result is the same, regardless of the reason. I eventually decided that this Difficult Man was not worth the work, the death of my sexiness, the frustration, the bargaining, and all the freaking tears, and six weeks ago, I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore. I heard through the grapevine that he let his law license lapse and that he is filing for bankruptcy. Wow. Rori says that a man who is ready for a lifelong commitment and who is a good potential partner must be financially stable. I am glad I cut my losses, but I am very depressed and in a lot of emotional pain about it all. And I’m angry that I believed his empty promises for an entire YEAR of my precious life. So. Here I am. Single. But peaceful.



  114.  #114Tereana on December 3, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Mandy, that is so cool you lost all that weight! And with the haircut, you must feel fabulous πŸ™‚

    Of course, even if you feel great, sometimes change – even positive change – can be hard on a man, if he already loves you (even if he likes the new way you look.) Sometimes guys can be insecure if they think you might be looking to find a “better” guy than him. Don’t assume that’s how he feels. He may not even be able to articulate it. But it might be a good idea to check in with him and see if he does have any feelings about it, good or bad. At least you can let him know that the change is for you, not anyone else, and that it would feel good to have his support. Hopefully he already does support you. And… if his insecurities take over and he can’t handle the new, super-sexy and confident you, then that is actually his problem, not yours. You really can’t expect that he will “work on himself.” But it’s good that you are trying the couples therapy.

    You’re doing great!

    See you on the new thread πŸ™‚



  115.  #115Mandy on December 3, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks so much LM, for sharing with me, it really helps me to not feel so alone!
    Wow, that’s a powerful story.

    I have considered the same thing, breaking up, as an option, since November 8th, almost a month. My dad tells me he is “An emotional cripple” and that I’ll regret being with him (my dad is the epidemy of masculine energy). I am realizing it’s an option at this point to break up with him and I’m strengthening myself to be able to do it if need be. I practiced riffing a lot with him, he helped me become the woman I wanted to be by helping me graduate college, get out of my parent’s house and get a job, and set me on a new path, and I am grateful for it…even though I feel awful about not having sex with him because he is so damn attractive to me (looks that make me weak, demeanor that makes me melt..) I do feel like I could be the best of friends with him if we did break up. So that’s not SO bad a thing and I might be open to it if need be. A Siren needs options after all right?

    But I want to at least give him a crack at therapy, maybe meds, as a last shot; I have tried just the I feel messages with him, and they don’t seem to register. My mom is a special education teacher, and I have had troubles comprehending instructions, because of anxiety and Tourette’s Syndrome, my whole life, and since she facilitated me while I was having non-stop tics and unable to control my body, so I tend to feel empathy for him and I really feel like trying with him and giving him a chance; I realized while watching Love Scripts – he is a very sensitive, introverted, and a very inside-himself guy who can’t take too much stimulation, is depressed most likely (he says he needs to be on Wellbutrin because it worked for him in the past) and is unable to hear my hints when I say “I feel” messages. I most likely I have to spell it out to him like “I feel awful, and I just want your arms around me right now” and he likely needs someone who has an objective perspective to teach him to hear me, who he won’t resent for it (a therapist). An article Rori made on no sex said that you might need to get therapy at some point. If therapy doesn’t work, then that’s a deal breaker for me and a good time to decide to take another road. I just feel so soft towards him about this because of my situation. Time to break out the big guns…

    Tereana – I also tried laying with him as I was talking about…and touching him softly..and had a funny thing happen…to me! He has this vibe about him, this energy that lulls me into relaxation just by being next to him, that just makes me melt so much…that I fall asleep! I conked right out next to him, and felt like I’d just had a wonderful massage. Funny huh? It made me giggle and he noticed it made me sleep; I think he might feel good about the fact he can do that to me. That vibe about him is why I fell in love with him because he gives me shelter from the anxiety I feel everyday and it feels so good, and I don’t ever have Tourette’s ‘tics’ around him.

    So I have some deep digging to do with riffing…I will see if I can go “Two Rounds” with the riffing and explaining what I want in a way that doesn’t sound motherly. Rori explained that when you mother and nag, he does NOT want to have sex with you! SO I think my over-functioning is KEY to all this. I’m too much in my head. I’ve been closed off to the scary guys on the bus route to work. I’ve been annoyed by people as I go to the store, and just have been closing up like a little hermit crab in a shell and that’s so not siren or sexy. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone I didn’t think I could please!

    So I am working on it, but I am keeping in mind that he may just be a feminine energy man who is also somewhat unable to interpret feeling messages, and needs stronger help.

    I also have to say I am grateful…this Thanksgiving…that I still have a libido, because i would just feel so weird if it was numb like some of my feelings are right now…some women have problems having orgasms and I am one of them (on anti-depressants), but I get turned on easily, so I can practice what Rori said to do in Love scripts about sex, and take a more Tantric approach. My man has definitely responded well before to me “doing” myself in front of him, as she says. Sometimes he responds to me when I’m vulnerable too…like one time I admitted to him I was jealous of someone he wanted to have model for him (he’s a photographer and I am a model), because I just want to be that woman who is irresistible and number one to him, and I was sorry, and he TOTALLY did me right there. That was about three months ago. I realize it might come back so there’s hope, but I also realize this is something that I will have to deal with again and again if I carry on the relationship.

    How does this all sound? Can you feel my energy? Very talkative and sensitive extrovert here, and easily excited, lol, so you can imagine I have a personality that tends to over-function a lot, as I am a take-charge kind of gal and have a lot of boy energy I use to protect and do things for myself. And I have a feminine energy man who is hypersensitive. Seems like it would work but we’ve hit a bump!

    How does it all sound?



  116.  #116Victoria on December 4, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Hi Rori,

    I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! This Thanksgiving actually was a releasing of the old for me in that a 3 year on/off relationship finally ended. I’ll call him L. He made it very clear when we met that he did not want a relationship, but I dated him hoping I could change him. (wrong.) It was a long distance relationship and I ended it after a year. A few months later, I moved to his city – we met on one of my trips here to interview/scout apartments – and we got back together. I was confronted by other girls he was dating and there were times when I asked him if there was someone else he was dating and he said no. (I don’t sleep around so it’s foreign for me to not date and only have sex). But he wasn’t always around and my gut knew better than I wanted to believe. I had told him all along that he could date whoever, but please let me know. (He never did). He never agreed to a commitment when we got back together and I again assumed I could change him. It was a few months later I found your ebook. (THANK YOU!) I told him I was going to start dating others and I signed up for online dating sites, all the while continuing our relationship because I enjoyed being with him. It’s easy to be with him and feels so comfortable and natural that I didn’t want to lose that. I hadn’t found anything remotely close in any other guys I was dating.

    Anyway, prior to Thanksgiving, I took a solo trip to a city that I was contemplating moving too. Well, L got freaked out and upset. He went so far as when I left to say that he didn’t want to say goodbye and to make sure I had an extra space for him in my place to practice in (he’s a musician). I told him I wasn’t getting extra space for the one time he visited and his reply was “who said anything about visiting?”

    The trip was a good experience for me and when I got back, we talked. He admitted to having sex with other women, some he’s been on and off with since before me. I told him that I was done settling for scraps and exactly what kind of relationship I wanted – marriage. (We had discussed this when we got back together, when I told him very clearly that I wanted a marriage and a family and not to waste my time. He understood and agreed not to waste my time). I also told him that I wanted a man who was going to choose to be with me on a daily basis and who I would do the same for.

    L told me that he felt it best to take a break to work on himself because he really feels he can be the man I want him to be. I told him that I would have my future, with or without him and that there was someone out there for me. We agreed to separate. This conversation was also the first time he’s ever said I love you to me.

    He’s text me every few days to say hello or he misses me and I’ve replied that I miss him, but the fact remains we want different things out of life.

    Sorry for all the details, but my main question is: What if he decides to change and make the commitment, how do I trust him? I’ve never had this gray area with a man before where it’s casual and not serious, and I don’t know how to proceed. I still love him and our relationship was always good – it was the lack of commitment that always frustrated me. (As a side, a few of the women he’s been off and on with are fellow musicians so there will be no cutting them out of his life entirely, short of changing careers. One is a promoter and the other he’s played on her album).

    I keep hearing the voice in my head saying, “you weren’t good enough to keep him before, so what makes you think you can in the future (assuming he decides to make a commitment)?

    I’m probably putting the cart before the horse, but I’m curious and would like some feedback on how to proceed. I’ve already resumed online dating and getting back to what I want to do and enjoy doing. I also feel good about my future, now that I am focusing on exactly what I want to create.

    Many, many heartfelt thanks in advance!!!



  117.  #117Cupcake on December 4, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Dear Sirens-

    I had a conversation with an old friend tonight, my best friend from high school. We still speak a couple times a year or so. Our lives have gone in different directions– she runs a college arts department is married, has lived in the same city for 24 years. I have bounced the country around like a tennis ball with ADD, and have had a similar career.

    We chit chatted and then she asked what had happened with the relationship that recently fizzled out on me. I didn’t want to get into it, so gave the Reader’s Digest version, and went on to say that I was following Rori’s advice and leaning back and Circular Dating, just putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day as it comes, trusting that eventually I’ll meet Mr. Right.

    And much to my surprise, my friend started giving me push-back. She said, “Why did the guy back off?”

    I said, “I don’t know. I didn’t ask him.” I went on to say that the relationship experts all agree that when a man feels pressured, he pulls back or disappears, and the best thing to do is give him that space.

    She said, “It seems to me pretty stupid to ask all these relationship experts for advice. If I were you, I’d ask the person who ended the relationship. Why don’t you just call him up and demand that he explain it to you?”

    I tried to explain about leaning back, and said it’s not my business why he didn’t step up; it’s my business to meet more men and keep moving forward.

    She said, “What do you mean it’s not your business? Here was someone who was talking about a future with you, then he pulls the rug out from under you, and you don’t even ask him WHY? And instead you’re going to just go out and meet a lot more men? That’s nuts, especially if you really liked this guy and felt there was a real connection there.”

    I told her I’d been doing A LOT of reading on the topic, and if I want to get married, I can’t get hung up on just one guy until he demonstrates that he’s chosen ME.

    She said, “Well, maybe you won’t ever get married. Stop making such a big deal about it. You don’t need to get married. Just live your life.”

    And I felt like she’d slapped me across the face.

    I said, “You know what? Last week was Thanksgiving, and I felt grateful that some people I’d never met before in my life and may never meet again were kind enough to invite me into their home for Thanksgiving Dinner. Last Thanksgiving, I ate a turkey sandwich in front of the MONK marathon on TV. Year before that, the same. You know why? Because I don’t BELONG to anybody. I have been free-falling for 20 years. So forgive me if, having spent most of my adult like entirely on my own, I would really like to have a partner. Forgive me if I would really like to have someone to belong to that way. And forgive me if I am not a powerhouse of an alpha female who doesn’t mind doing every G-D thing ALONE. Yes, I WANT TO GET MARRIED. And I don’t feel ashamed of that. I spent 20 years pretending I was fine by myself, and NOT trying to meet anyone, any guess what happened? I didn’t meet anyone! So now I am making an effort and I haven’t got a CLUE what I am doing so I am reading as much as I can about it and working on improving my skills, the same way I would do with any other enterprise I’ve set my mind to.”

    And she said, “Well, maybe you’ll just make some good friends that you can have Thanksgiving with next year.”

    I said, “I want to hang up now. Goodbye.”

    And I went to see a comedy show so I didn’t sit at home and feel pissed off and sad. Then the lights came up at the end of the comedy show, and everybody else there turned to their friend/s, talking about what a good show it was. And I sat there by myself, feeling like, “Well, at least I went out.”

    Christmas is coming and that horrible cartoon will be on– The Tangerine Bear. Have you seen it? Horrible, horrible, I tell you. It’s about this poor little stuffed bear that nobody wants because his smile is sewn on upside down. He keeps saying, “But I’m smiling on the inside!” But all the other bears get bought off the toy shelf, just not him. He ends up on the drastically reduced table, and still nobody wants him. And then he ends up in a junk shop, and turns orange because the store owner sits him in the window and the sun washes him out. And then some other stuff happen, but at the end FINALLY somebody wants to buy him and the store owner won’t sell him. He says the bear belongs in the junk shop with all the other junk, the teapot with no lid, the broken clock, all the other stuff.

    One Christmas eve, I was watching that cartoon for the first time, and just about the time the Tangerine Bear ended up on the drastically reduced counter, my godmother came over with my Christmas gift. It was a really thoughtful gift, which she’d chosen based on a conversation we’d had about some guy– She gave me the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” And she meant it with love, I know. But being handed that book while the Tangerine Bear was getting passed over again and again and was the only teddy bear left on the shelf– the irony was painfully funny.

    So that’s what I felt like tonight when my friend said, “Maybe you’ll meet some really good friends and you can have Thanksgiving with THEM next year.” I felt like she was saying I belonged in the junk shop with the other misfit toys.

    And it rattled me– I admit it– that she questioned why I’m asking relationship experts why the guy backed off instead of asking him.

    I’m still not going to ask him, don’t worry.

    I’m still going to Circular Date.

    It’s just that the conversation felt so horrible, and I felt so sad afterwards. And I sat there in the comedy show and suddenly remembered sitting in a theatre with the guy that just backed off, and the way he put his hand on my leg while we were watching the movie, loving, casual, protective. I’d completely forgotten about that. And I really missed him, and wished I’d be able to tell him about this show, or that he was with me.

    So anyway. I just wanted to write to you guys because — I don’t know why. Because I need a sounding board, I guess.

    One day at a time. One date at a time.

    And some of the days – and some of the dates- will feel challenging. This is one of those days, I guess.

    Tomorrow will surely be better.

    Cupcake



  118.  #118Dominique on December 5, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Cupcake – I understand how deeply painful the interaction with your friend must have felt. FEEL this pain, FEEL the sadness, EMBRACE it , and give it space to move through.

    Despite your feelings of sadness, you sound really, really good, and you seem to be on a beautiful path.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  119.  #119Rori Raye on December 5, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Victoria – Brava to YOU! Please just keep doing what you’re doing and forget about him. He’s just not ready yet, regardless of anything else involved – it has nothing to do with you. Your attitude is fantastic – stay loose and CDing, and your man will show up. If it’s this one – you’ll know it when it happens. Love, Rori



  120.  #120Magic Seahorse on December 6, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Cupcake-

    I love reading your post. It feels like the rising sun coming across the morning sky. I don’t know why but it does. It feels lovely. Open arms and open heart, no fear……………………….. or if there is, let flow through and out! hahahahahaha!!!! Happy Holidays to you Sweet Cupcake! Look forward to reading your journey;)



  121.  #121Andrea on December 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Oh CUPCAKE!!! I wish you’d start a blog soon, so we can follow your journey as it unfolds in real life. I so enjoy your writing. I loved your experience with adventurously going up and presenting your story to a room full of strangers.

    I know I don’t have any words of “advice” or mood lifter for how you’re feeling today, but I did want to say that I so relate to it. And you made it sound sad, but also humorous and like “everywoman”. I want to hear more!! : )

    I’m going through something maybe a little bit differently than you. I have a huge, astronomically huge family. So my holidays are jam packed with people, drama, emotions, love.. yes.. but also a bunch of energy that doesn’t dissipate until well into the new year.
    This is the first year that, because I moved so far away from my family, I will be alone with just my daughters and I over Christmas. And I’m feeling so, just so…. grounded, so honored, so loving toward myself.

    I feel like it’s the first year of me actually getting to sit in the silence of my own heart and find out what’s there. I’m single, but not with out friends, not with out dates. But, for the first time in my life, there is no one else, no other energies, no other concerns, no other opinions, no other voices.. ( except my daughters ) and I’m blissful. I feel like heaven.

    I’m forty years old and I feel like… “Oh! This is who I am??? I am lovely!” It’s different. I’m quiet. I’m wise. It’s beautiful.

    Anyway, I know that doesn’t help you Cupcake. : ) But another great thing about life is it’s diversity. I bet we’d be good friends if you lived close to me.

    Andrea



  122.  #122Monica on December 6, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Cupcake~

    You rock. I’m a lurker here and you moved me to write. I agree with Andrea; I’d love to read your blog. And I’d love to watch the Tangerine Bear with you and share a bottle of wine and Thanksgiving dinner. I bet you’re fabulous. Keep on truckin’, sister!

    Monica



  123.  #123Indigo on December 7, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Cupcake,

    Some of the days, and some of the dates, will be challenging.

    And with each one, and with each tiny bit you’re able to open up more to the world, you will get closer to your goal.

    And Tangerine Bears are beautiful! Believe it!

    xx



  124.  #124Cupcake on December 7, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Magic Seahorse, Monica, Andrea, and Indigo-

    Wow. Thank you so much for the kind words about my and support for this journey that we all share.

    I have thought about starting a blog, and yet somehow that feels like moving into another room, and I kind of like the feeling of being in the room with all of you.

    I feel really touched by your writing to me, and it makes me want to write more and be around you guys.

    Thank you. I appreciate the feeling that my words get bounced off of something and come back. Like sound, to be heard, has to bounce off something. Right?

    Or do I misremember the way the ear works?

    At any rate– thank you. xo

    Cupcake



  125.  #125Cupcake on December 7, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Andrea-

    I just wanted to respond to your comment about feeling like for the first time you’re discovering who you are.

    I took a class once at the Open Center in New York, and it was taught by this tiny old Indian man, who came out and sat in the lotus-position on a stack of purple cushions. If Peter Sellers had still been alive,I would have suspected that he was doing research for a part, because the guy kind of looked like an older version of Peter Sellers in “The Party.”

    Anyway, one of the things I remember this learned teacher saying is that it takes almost a person’s entire lifetime to discover the true nature of the personality.

    Then he paused and said, “That’s if you’re lucky. Sometimes it takes more than one lifetime.”

    So I want to high-five you if you’re discovering more about who you really are at 40.

    High-five, sister! !!!!!

    And yes, I agree: I think we probably would be friends. πŸ™‚

    Cupcake