The Tools Work With Your SON!

Untitled design (14)

navigationHere’s a great letter from Rose – and if you have a son over the age of 7 – learning to be a “girl” with HIM, and asking him what he THINKS, using all the Tools around Feeling Messages and overfunctioning will not only help you with MEN romantically – it will help your SON become more of a man!:

Rori, I’m not sure if it’s ok to talk about this here or if I’m even in the right thread for it if so. I quickly read over the posting rules and didn’t see it mentioned but while I have noticed everyone talking about the men in their lives, I haven’t seen any about how to deal with (almost) grown up sons. I hope this is ok, I feel desperate for help and I don’t know where else to turn. Rori has the best about everything and you ladies all seem helpful. And I’m running on.

Here’s the thing, I’m good with men. I circular date, they ‘re all happy and I’m happy with them. I’m good for right now. My son, on the other hand is 17, thinks he’s a man and has ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it just about every day for the last year or so.

7 years ago, when he was 10, his dad and I divorced, and there was only he and I in all the world, had been that way for a long long time. Then I met a guy and had a fling. Not serious, not a great guy, not a good match, not a big deal. Then I got pregnant. Things were messy, It became a big deal. We tried a “relationship” we tried buying a house, he even proposed. It didn’t work, we didn’t work, we got out. My son felt betrayed and abandoned. He says I ruined his life and trust and will always resent me and his sister. She adores him, he all but ignores her. He talks to me as if I’m an embarrassment and she’s a mistake.

Last year he decided he was going to live with his father who hadn’t been very involved with him in years. I fought it and lost. We see him most weekends out of the month and the pain I feel inside for him, for me, is so intense I worry I could die from it.

Counseling has not helped, groveling hasn’t helped, his father has made things worse, and I am at a complete and total loss as to how to be with him. Are there tools that apply? When I am vulnerable he attacks or is cold. When I lean back he says I’m shut off and uninvolved.
He’s a teen I know. But time is short, I have 2 more months then he doesn’t have to come see us anymore, and has indicated that he wont. Can I save this? I have said I’m sorry more times then I can count. I just want to be the mom, to feel loved, even just a little bit from this “guy.” It feels like old relationships before I knew Rori’s tools.

I feel desperate, like I’m chasing, but shouldn’t I? So he knows? I feel I’m doing everything wrong. I know I am. Do the rules apply to sons?

My Answer”

Rose – YES!!

The Tools apply to sons over the age of 7!!!

Just get the ebook now, immerse yourself in it, practice on EVERYONE, especially your son, even on the phone, even in your THOUGHTS!!!!

Speak in Feeling Messages!

We do not know anything about your son or what he’s going through, or who he is.

Does he have a girlfriend? Is he gay? Is he troubled, or doing drugs, or drinking? Does he have physical issues and mood disorders?

STOP groveling. Stand up like a girl, smile, love him, appreciate him, thank him, do NOT try to tell him what to do. Do NOT try to get him to do anything.

Get some faith.

He needs to find out who he is and live his life, and the only way you can support him is by stopping ASKING him for anything.

He needed to be with a man, so he chose his father.

Stop competing for him.

He needs a SAFE place, away from drama – so get yourself out of drama!!!

If you need some help, get a coach – this could make all the difference for you.

I would love to help you personally – you can book a session with me at – and I know Dominique at would be great for you and your son.

I think you can fix this FAST!!! I’ve had lots of luck with this – in fact, I might be able to get you in touch with some other women for extra buddy-help.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Vi on March 18, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I love you World!

  2.  #2Vi on March 18, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Trying to love myself consiously and – looking for ways to put myself down UNconsiously… our Universe is such a fun place to be in! I am falling in love with it deeper and deeper..

  3.  #3LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Making a man feel safe. It was a hard concept for me, but I get it now. This article further supports this concept by Rori

  4.  #4LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 7:29 am

    You make a safe space for a man by creating a safe space for YOURSELF. And yes, let go of the drama! Escape it!! I so needed this this morning!! Thank you Rori

  5.  #5Vi on March 18, 2013 at 7:31 am

    I feel soo curious how you will feel using FMs and Ror’s tools with your son and how the things will unfold for you too.. sending support to you and your daughter

  6.  #6LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 7:37 am

    HScd is rubberbanding and in mancave mode but I am keeping a safe space for me, and I see him easing up to me expecting a flurry of chaos of responses from me but I’m solid and holding my boundaries. I’m dealing with his ugly side without making him wrong… It just is what it is. I don’t know what else to do but keep in with me and my world and let this man figure his own thing out. Being a siren, I’ve given up trying to save the world or fix other people. In the end I can only put the focus on me. I’ve learned that this is the safe space Rori refers to in her ebook and programs

  7.  #7Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Lamhis, I replied to you on the prior thread

  8.  #8Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:42 am

    LoveAlways, I m thinking maybe I need to allow moredrama in my relationships;) I was as no drama with the disappearing cd as it gets and you know the result;)

  9.  #9Femininewoman on March 18, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I told my 14 year old son to come out and help shovel after the last snow storm. He came out alright and refused to help. He picked up a few half shovel full then stopped and went into talking with his sister. I eventually sent her sent her inside after she had done her fair share. The boy stood outside, then literally sat on the driveway at a spot that was dry, refusing to help. I threatened that he would not be going back inside until he shoveled (ultimatum). That did not work so I just left him. For more than an hour he sat there while we worked but I decided I would not say anymore. When the neighbors came he started to shovel. Long after everyone else was done he kept at it even doing in the middle of the street. Asking if I wanted him to do more and that he would do it for me.

    What I learned was that he does not like to be told to do stuff. He likes it to be his idea. Once it is his idea, he will do anything. Ul

  10.  #10Femininewoman on March 18, 2013 at 8:02 am

    I also confirmed that ultimatums don’t work.

  11.  #11Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 8:14 am

    I guess as a person who never gives ultimatums I wonder what’s on the other side;)

  12.  #12Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 8:15 am

    A note to self: if a guy asks you on a 1st date to a place you know you’re not going to enjoy – don’t go and don’t waste your time;)

  13.  #13LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I find guys bring you drama, and it is his drama you are avoiding

  14.  #14Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 8:38 am

    This article is so sad. It’s the worst feeling for me when a kid does not “like” me…. With my stepdaughter it was terrible sometimes but mostly good….can’t imagine if it was my own kid.

  15.  #15Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Memulo I agree 100%

  16.  #16Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Yes that’s right LoveAlways;) did not think about it this way.
    I responded to a couple if ads on match but these guys did not check out my profile and did not write back yet. Is that how you do it on match? You check matches in the email and they check you?

  17.  #17Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 8:46 am

    When mycd went hysterical on me and made rough moves it did not make me hear him better or even want to listen to him. It did make me respect him a bit less.

  18.  #18GlowStix on March 18, 2013 at 9:06 am

    As we lay in bed last night chatting before sleep he said “ahhh mondays. work work work…what’s the prize? all I do is work. oh…yeah! I got my prize right here!” and then squeezed me and shook me.

    No sh!t… He called me “the prize”! I felt…wow. If wow’s a feeling. And I immediately thought of sirens.

  19.  #19IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 9:53 am

    @7 Memulo – Got it. Thank you! I replied to you as well on the last thread, mine is the last comment on there, #71. (((((Memulo)))))

  20.  #20IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Is it just me, or is it really hard to be a girl sometimes? I feel impatient and sad. 🙁

  21.  #21Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

    GS, my cd called me his dream, his prize worthwhile waiting for, wrote cards that he feels fortunate to have met me, etc (long list!) all that matters is if it feels right to you;)

  22.  #22sha-sha on March 18, 2013 at 10:10 am

    U could feel the hurt in this mothers heart in this letter

  23.  #23IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 10:29 am

    I feel a little bit better. I feel a little sad and sick. I feel stress rising from my stomach, into my head, and falling out of my arms. Okay, it stopped.

    I feel so curious. I still feel a little sad. It felt great to read the posts that link up and are related to this post. Thank you, Rori, for the new web design! I like it! It feels fresh and informative.

    I feel disappointed in myself for slipping into masculine energy. I feel forgiving of myself too.

    I felt compelled to lean forward, and I didn’t, so I feel proud of myself for that.

    Right now, in my life, it feels good to focus on fitness, finances, nutrition, and spirituality. I really want to focus on those four things, and none of them involve men and that feels good for right now.

    I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing, earlier this week. I don’t know if I had a nightmare or what, but it was like I had a fresh memory of every man I had ever felt abandoned by, and there are so many. 🙁

    It felt scary. 🙁

    I feel better because it motivated me to seek out some free counseling I have available to me. I feel so thankful for free counseling!

    I feel good because once I get my taxes done, I’m going to get a program or two (whatever I can afford at that point, hope the sale is still going on!) and put the rest of the $ into savings.

    I’m also moving forward professionally, and that feels good.

    It feels good to tell myself over and over and OVER again that I am going to be okay.

    I felt socially awkward this weekend, and that never feels good.

    I felt off. It’s okay, though.

    I know who I am, deep down, and she is beautiful, funny, and witty.

    She’s just going through some grieving and some weird emotions right now, that is all!

    It feels sooooo good to be around supportive people, who assure me of my sanity, rather than look at me like I’m strange and question my sanity.

    I feel so thankful that I understand “damaged people” and how they are capable of just as much as anyone else (and maybe even more!)

    I just needed to write all that out.

    Thanks, everyone. I feel a little bit better. Still a little sad, but I know, without a doubt, that I will be okay. More than okay. I will feel great and be great!!!!! I will conquer the world!

  24.  #24Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:36 am

    My autocorrect wants to call you “lamb his” which is cute 🙂
    We are lil lambs 🙂

    I felt moved reading that you were sobbing in the middle of the night, I know that feeling where it’s like everything accumulates…

    You sound good though….
    I really like yor focus on the four things: fitness finances nutrition and spirituality…. Those are the precise things I need to focus on more…

  25.  #25Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I am a little unsettled and stressed about my work and living and car situation omg well that’s just about enough for now!!!

  26.  #26IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 10:42 am

    aww, (((((Emerson)))))! Thank you!!!! It’ll be okay!!! One thing at a time. 🙂

  27.  #27IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 10:50 am

    I was talking to some of my married and engaged friends this weekend.

    I told them about SMC, and how happy I felt that I had cut things off with him, which made his engagement much easier to take.

    I then told them about how i felt a little weird about it too. Should I try to talk to him about now? Tell him I was just going through a weird time (I was), that I should’ve talked to him in person about it (I still feel like I should’ve) and that I’d be okay being friends now?

    They all pretty much said, no, just let it go.

    I said I just feel awkward around him though, and still have to see him sometimes…

    It feels good to try to let it go.

    awww, I feel so thankful for my married and engaged friends, who listen to their “crazy” single friend and her “crazy” single girl problems!

    Hehe, I feel giggly. I feel so thankful I’m not engaged or married right now. I am still getting emotionally healthy, and it feels good to be able to recognize that and to take my time! No need to panic!

    I was talking to them about my abandoment issues, and how I tend to abandon relationships before they’ve even had a chance to start.

    One of my engaged guy friends looked really surprised to hear me say that, and was a little awkward around me for the rest of the weekend.

    Nothing happened between us, so I don’t know what his deal is! I know he was attracted to me though…

    I feel weird about that, and a little giggly too.

    I feel guilty too.

    wonder how all this is going to be perceived by you ladies…

    I don’t want to be perceived like I have a big head (I really don’t, I promise.)

    It all just feels curious to me…

    It feels good to reflect and notice reactions and build confidence.

    yes, that’s all I’m doing, and it feels good…

  28.  #28IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I feel like I sound like such a little girl. You know? I’m okay with that. There is a little girl inside of me, still very much healing, and she DESERVES to be heard.

    I love her. 🙂

  29.  #29Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Wow! I don’t disagree but it seems this would be a lot for a hurting momma to hear:

    “STOP groveling. Stand up like a girl, smile, love him, appreciate him, thank him, do NOT try to tell him what to do. Do NOT try to get him to do anything.

    Get some faith.

    He needs to find out who he is and live his life, and the only way you can support him is by stopping ASKING him for anything.

    He needed to be with a man, so he chose his father.

    Stop competing for him.

    He needs a SAFE place, away from drama – so get yourself out of drama!!!”

    Much Love,

  30.  #30Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Ok – so 10 days he was out of the office for work. He was out of town for some of those days, but others he wasnt. I didnt text him first, he texted me almost every day – but nothing extensive. We never talked on the phone.

    Just to recap he is going through the worst period of his life right now – literally. So frankly, I know I am not forefront in his mind. And that is fine.

    I saw him today. We talked for about an hour and a half – but he acted so excited to see me and he talked all about his stuff for an hour and a half, and then he had a meeting in his office, so he had to go – and wow…..hello…..what about me? No intimate looks or exchanges were made. Nothing to convey that the connection was still there. He did tell me I looked really really nice and that he loved my pants. Uh…ok I guess.

    I leaned way back, and set down my oars. I had re read Rori’s book over the weekend. I am not rowing this boat to the shore of committment anymore. I am setting it down. In fact we were talking about his situation and I even said the “oar” analogy in reference to someone else and said finally you cant overmanage a relationship and you cant make someone be someone that they are not – or dont want to be. He seemed to really like that.

    Look. I think this guy loves me. But he isjust not in a place right now to have anything left for me emotionally.

    So I’m left with……do I wait for him in a non-rowing oar type way? Or do I just let this go?

    To be honest, I’m not really heartbroken about it – but I felt very disconnected that he hasnt seen me in 10 days and didnt even mention or ask how my week was, etc.

    The BIG QUESTION IS THIS: Do I tell him how I feel now about how I feel disconnected, without an agenda, without manipulating him to try to fix it, without wanting an answer, just to let him know how I feel……or just drop it until he is ready to hear it?

    I dont know if the resentment in me wont build up if I dont say something. Right now, I’m sort of bewildered by the fact that I feel our connection of intimacy is broken. It feels strange to me. I miss that in him, but also this break in time of 10 days has made me be not as connected to him, so thats a good thing, I guess.

    Rori says to say your feeling words. But then she says to lean back and if they havent called/shown up, etc. dont say anything.

    So I”m TOTALLY torn. Which part of Rori do I do?


  31.  #31Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Elsie: I would tell him. Not that I know if it’s the right answer or not, but I would say something. Example: “Right now, I’m sort of bewildered by the felling that our connection of intimacy appears broken. It feels strange to me. I miss that in you.” And that’s it. I’ve discovered about myself that if I don’t say it to him I let it sort of fester inside of me and I start seeing things, creating stories and letting it all grow. I don’t want to do that anymore so if it were me, I’d talk to him.

    Much Love,

  32.  #32Daria on March 18, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    wow Thank you for speaking out in this way Rori

  33.  #33Imogen on March 18, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Elsie, you should make good art. Create something.

  34.  #34Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    @Mercedes – Ok – but isnt that overmanaging in a way? I’m manipulating the conversation so that we have to talk about feelings at that point – or that he feels put upon even though I’m not saying its his fault. I mean you dont have to say the words “its your fault” for them to know that its their fault. I mean, its not MY fault that there is a disconnect…….so what I”m scared of is him saying……well, I’m bewildered why you would not be understadning of the siutaiton I”m in and that you should know that if I could do things different and be with you that I would…..

    does that make sense?

  35.  #35Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    In another way, I am already started to fester. I feel like I’m really upset that he didnt ask me anything at all about my last week and a half……


  36.  #36IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    @30 Elsie & @31 Mercedes, are you saying that it would be okay to lean forward in this particular instance? I just feel curious…

  37.  #37Violette on March 18, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Glowstix what a nice thing to hear!

    This letter reminds me of how I used to try to force a relationship with my sullen antisocial big brother with pressure from my mom. The day I stopped expecting Christmas presents or bday cards, even stopped giving them to him, and stopped coming forward in any sort of way, he really relaxed. And started coming forward and wanting to be closer…

  38.  #38Daria on March 18, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    by Scott Noelle

    Love Notes To Myself

    Ever wish you could go back in time and share the wisdom of your experience with your past self?

    “If only I knew then what I know now…”

    In your imagination, such time travel is possible and can be healing. But you can do it for real in reverse: share your present wisdom with your future self!

    Here’s how:

    1. Write a bunch of short, inspiring “love notes” to yourself on small pieces of paper. Say things like “Love is the answer,” “All Is Well,” “Truth will set you free,” “Let go!” “I love you,” etc.

    2. Hide the notes in places where you’ll find them unexpectedly in the future — in a cookbook, your car’s glove box, a file folder, a coat pocket, etc.

    3. As you hide each one, hold the thought that you’ll find it at the precise moment when you’ll need to remember that bit of wisdom.

    Your child(ren) can play this game, too, and you can also write love notes for each other. There’s no right or wrong way — just follow your heart.

    * Share this groove: (Web/Facebook/Twitter)

  39.  #39Indigo on March 18, 2013 at 12:49 pm


    I’m with Mercedes on this one.

    If it were at the point where you feel it’s starting to fester in you, then saying something is absolutely healthy and appropriate.

    You just don’t want to use blaming language, simply make it about your feelings and express those honestly. And it’s not about manipulating the conversation or getting a particular response from him, just about being true to both you and him.

  40.  #40IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    @35 Elsie – What about this? Can you manage to feel your feelings without leaning forward and have a script prepared?

    When he contacts you again, you could say something like,

    “wow, I’m feeling really disconnected. it’s been (however long it has been since you last talked) and last time we were together, I felt a little stifled and unheard.

    It feels good to hear about what’s going on with you, but it didn’t feel good to not be able to share my part. Since I didn’t get to share my part, and since it’s been (however long it takes him to contact you) I feel really disconnected and sad, because I miss feeling intimate and close with you. I feel sad because I’m not sure what happened. What do you think?”

    What do you think about that feeling message, Elsie?

    Would it feel better to wait until he contacts you, and to share your piece then?

    How do you think leaning forward to contact him and tell him that would make you feel?

    Keep in mind, he’s got a lot on his plate, and he’s also probably not trying to be “not intimate” or inconsiderate for being more in touch with you…

  41.  #41Turquoise on March 18, 2013 at 12:56 pm


    I love that idea. Thanks for sharing! I’ve done that in the past, for others to find. I never thought about giving myself future support. 🙂

  42.  #42IamHis on March 18, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    I totally understand your frustration, though, Elsie.

    I just want to shake this one guy, and be like

    “What is WRONG with you?
    Are you like, incapable of stepping up and being a man?
    Are you THAT scared?
    Are you THAT insecure?
    Are you THAT incapable of reaching out to a woman to figure out what’s going on or to move the relationship that you clearly want forward?
    Do you expect me to do everything here?!?!!

    But I don’t say any of that…
    I’m just leaning back…
    I want a man who will step up.
    oh, I want it sooooo bad…

  43.  #43Turquoise on March 18, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    There is a possibility I will see Mr. Conversation in about an hour. The last two times I saw him, I barely acknowledged him, looked the other way…. today, no looking down. If we happen to cross paths, I’ll make eye contact and at least smile. Maybe say hello. His daughter is sleeping over at my house this weekend, really no need for drama or tension or uncomfortable feelings.

    I’m going to act “as if” everything is fine, there are no issues. Thank you again Dominique for the tool. It’s one that has always stuck with me.

  44.  #44Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Elsie, can you take a break from being ‘understanding’ and say how you feel? Did you stop having the right to be heard in this relationship? Do you have to transform yourself into a wise friend and suspend your desires? Why? Didn’t you do enough of that already? And why do you think that his reaction will be negative? If it is – can’t you say that you want to be kissed? Some affection? Why are you scared?

  45.  #45Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Turquoise, you rock!

  46.  #46Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Lamhis, thank you for your support.I will try to stay away from self-diminishing moods

  47.  #47Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Elsie and Iamhis – I don’t know if it’s okay to lean forward in this situation or not. What I know is that sometimes I do lean forward (right or wrong) and I always do it when I’m feeling something “off” inside of me because I never want to put J through what I put him through when I would hold things in and start getting more upset than I needed to. I’ve done enough of that. Now, when I need to say something, I do it long, long before it reaches the point where it could cause any conflict in our relationship. On the positive side, I know that he is always ready to listen and help me through anything like that so I don’t have the worries that some might when it comes to leaning forward. I guess you’ll have to take a look at how your man reacts when you approach him with your feelings before you can decide. If historically he has taken it well and been understanding then I would say something. If he hasn’t, then I would wait for further advice from someone better at knowing when to lean forward and when to lean back than I am.

    Much Love,

  48.  #48Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Elsie: If he does do something like this:

    “I mean you dont have to say the words “its your fault” for them to know that its their fault. I mean, its not MY fault that there is a disconnect…….so what I”m scared of is him saying……well, I’m bewildered why you would not be understadning of the siutaiton I”m in and that you should know that if I could do things different and be with you that I would…..”

    Then he is the kind of man who is making it all about him and nothing about you…even when you speak about YOUR OWN feelings. If he’s that man, are you okay with that? I mean if I said to J:

    ““Right now, I’m sort of bewildered by the felling that our connection of intimacy appears broken. It feels strange to me. I miss that in you.”

    And he reacted like I was blaming him and said “well, I’m bewildered why you would not be understadning of the siutaiton I”m in and that you should know that if I could do things different and be with you that I would…..” – I would be really, really second guessing how he deals with stressful situations in his life. A man should be good to a woman even when he’s stressed and should not turn your feelings into bad things and say that you “should know” (we women aren’t mind readers either) and that you’re not understanding, etc…well…like I said, I would really, really be thinking hard about how this man treats ME in a stressful situation.

    Life throws all of us stresses at one time or another. Choosing a man who can stay strong with YOU during the stressful times as well is very critical in my opinion. If he retreats and blames and turns it on himself and tells you that you’re not understanding and that you should know how he would be acting if he “could” then…well…that’s typically how he will probably deal with stress moving forward as well. Men are responsible for being good to their loves even when times are bad. I believe this.

    Much Love,

  49.  #49Turquoise on March 18, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Thanks Memulo. I admit to feeling a little nervous about it… but I’m having a good hair day…lol, so boosting my confidence!

  50.  #50Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 1:42 pm


    I JUST TALKED TO HIM. Best. Talk. Ever.

    Why do I worry about this stuff? I totally Rori Raye’ed it (yes, I just used her name as a verb.) LOL

    I told him how I felt. I missed him. I felt disconnected. He was right there. He was right in it with me. He was so sweet. I told him I didnt think he was misbehaving or doing anything wrong. I told him I trusted him and respected him, and that I’m sure he has a good reason for everything he does, but I asked if he could help me understand what is going on because I feel disconnected and sad, and I miss him.

    It was the best conversation ever. We are back on the same page. There was stuff I didnt know that was going on – and I told him, ok, from now on you have to tell me about this stuff because I dont know unless you tell me.

    It was great. Wow. Boundaries. Limits. Conversations. Trust your intuition, and be surprised at what shows up. Good stuff.

  51.  #51Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    LOL! Elsie! That is soooo awesome! Your fears are NOTHING like how he really treats you. 🙂 It’s a story (how he might respond) that YOU make up in your own mind and it isn’t HIM at ALL. Woot!!!! This is exactly what I learned about J and exactly why I do not hold things in and allow them to grow inside of me anymore. It’s never worth it. He is always so much more awesome than I made him out to be in my mind. 🙂 Lucky us!

    Much Love,

  52.  #52Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    One more note – I had NO INVESTMENT in the outcome. I made a decision. I either want no relationship or to be in a relationship that is healthy – and that means one where I am free to say what I need at an appropriate time in an appropriate way and have it be heard. I decided to say my feelings. It didnt matter to me if he was ok with them or not. If he wasnt ok with them – fine, leave. If he was ok with them, then wow – our relationship just got a lot healthier emotionally and so much better. 🙂 Which it did.

  53.  #53Elsie on March 18, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I told him that too Mercedes – I said wow, I was so nervous to talk to you – but now that I am talking to you I’m not nervous at all – thats probably good. 🙂 LOL. He makes it so easy to talk to him. I think that I’m so afraid of being alone or rejected that I get so upset. Now, I’ve decided I dont care if I’m alone. I just want to be in something healthy.

    Oh and ironically, he was worried about me rejecting him about something which was rediculously ironic after it was brought up.

    Anyway – I could not have asked for someone to handle the whole thing better than he did. Honestly, I am *SO* glad I said something.

    More importantly, I’m glad I’ve done the “work” in the past 6 months to figure out what to say and how to say it so that my true feelings and needs are coming across.

    Whew. Today is a good day again with this man.

  54.  #54Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Turquoise, you sound so confident and fun to me;)

  55.  #55Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Elsie, yay!!

  56.  #56Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I need to stop these loser mentality. Nothing happened and all I can think about is how easy it was to reject me and how I did nothing to defend what we had, and how I am not missed. Half a year later, isn’t it pathetic!

  57.  #57Mercedes on March 18, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Elsie: I absolutely LOVE this:

    “I dont care if I’m alone. I just want to be in something healthy.”

    Much Love,

  58.  #58Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I am actually enjoying being alone.

  59.  #59Linda on March 18, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I. Feel relievedto read this pst about our sons. I have been questioning his issue every time I listen to one of Rori’s programs. My son is 15 and a regular Clarence Darrow. It’s exhausting

  60.  #60Turquoise on March 18, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Mission accomplished!!!! Whoooo hoooo!

    He was walking right towards me, looking a little sad, gave me a little smile and said hi, which I kept eye contact, returned a smile and said hi in an audible voice. I was in a conversation, so he kept walking, but better than the grocery store! Potentially, unless one of us moves, I’m going to run into him for at least the next 8 years and our kids are friends. I want it to be at comfortable as possible.

    It secretly gave me a little spark to imagine that, awe…. He looks sad, AS IF he regrets losing my friendship. He may not care, but I like to believe that he misses me too. What a great feeling to not have any outcome. Sweetheart has been extra attentive, I still feel a little bored, but he’s a nice guy, so continuing to practice not blowing it all up. Chemist has been texting me for the last half hour… And while nice to be thought of, he just pops in and out as he feels, I’m not that interested, so no investment there either. I spent a ton of time with my oldest this weekend. We really bonded. I thoroughly enjoyed my man free weekend! My BFF and I caught up on our long car ride to a sorority sisters 40th bday party fri. Night and she was sooo touched we went to see her. I feel great!!!

  61.  #61BeLoved on March 18, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Wooohooooo!! Doing the happy puppy dance here!!
    once just texted me to let me know he’s back in town and would I like to on this week?
    Getting good morning?/night texts from FiestaCD, T is back in my rotation, my super at work is going to bat for me with the temp agency I work for to try to get me paid for days im missing at work due to their mistake…

    Even though it has been intense i believe the steps im taking to heal my bodymind are working, my son has a new job and was able to quit mcd’s, the sun is shining, i am watching babies play

    My hips are doing a shimmyshake
    My massage therapist friend is in town unexpectedly which means am awesome shamanic massage tomorrow and who knows what unconscious sludge will release hooray!!!

    Oh and I finally wrote my theme prayer for the next 30 days, about being ready to transform.

    How does it get any better than THIS????

    I know it may sound like crumbs from the men but damn those crumbs are sure good just coming out of the desert and im gonna celebrate them and be happy regardless.

  62.  #62GlowStix on March 18, 2013 at 3:56 pm


    we have been together a long time now. it feels a lot different to hear that, for the first time, in a committed relationship after years together. I have heard that when I was dating (cding) more casually and it just felt like a line.

  63.  #63GlowStix on March 18, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    Regardless…I get all kinds of compliments I just thought of sirens because we always say “I am the prize” and I felt a little floored that he used that specific word ; ) It’s not really about the compliment, or what it meant.

  64.  #64BeLoved on March 18, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Frickin A yessssssssssssss!!!!

    YesYessityYes YES YESville!

    All I have to say is, it would feel best to set a date by phone and I actually GET A FLIPPING PHONE CALL???????

    How easy is this???
    I feel like I’m flying!

    Oh and another awesome thing is that my little fairy companion, Tesla, showed back up again. She likes to curl up in my hair and tickle my scalp..
    Plus, she gave the boot to Imaginary C, who used to curl up with me at night, and now I have a big polar bear companion who fills the bill.

    Im giggling because Im sure i sound nuts.Maybe i am but life sure is more interesting and fun living this way 🙂

  65.  #65GlowStix on March 18, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    “He rips my heart out and stomps on it…”

    This letter has me feeling concerned for this boy. Concerned that he has been given way too much emotional power and not nearly enough guidance.

    I had to tell my mom to stop being a victim. She says that one sentence changed her life. It did, I suppose, looking at how she evolved after that. Hardest thing i’ve ever said though. It feels frightening and aggrevating and maddening to have that much emotional power over a parent. As if you have no rock solid to lean on. Flailing and reaching and nothing is there…It may sound insensitive, yet, I do not feel surprised he is acting out in that way. ((((him)))) ((((her))))

  66.  #66Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 5:09 pm


    I am sorry, I did not mean to make it sound less than it was. It is wonderful and your relationship sounds wonderful;) I only mentioned it because in my case I felt a disconnect between what he saw in me and complimented and who I actually am.

  67.  #67LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    It feels good to have boundaries.

  68.  #68LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I vaguely remember how it works on Match. Guys can find you in a search, by the match done by the computer (which is also emailed). Some people just search the new people under their search criteria.

  69.  #69LoveAlways on March 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Feeling very strong on the inside! Ahhhhhh, this feels relieving – no anxiety, no NVs

  70.  #70Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    I’m looking at guys’ profiles and they all look pale compared to dumbcd. Am I getting crazy?

  71.  #71Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    I should start going out with some guy just to prove that I can easily find someone good and who treats me well. Except that I’ve just done that with my cd;)

  72.  #72Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Thank you LoveAlways. I’m flirting with guys from match. They started responding.

    Last nights date is texting me. Apparently he didn’t realize he was rejected.

  73.  #73Memulo on March 18, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    LoveAlways, you are beautiful in who you are.

  74.  #74Turquoise on March 18, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    So…. While watching Dancing with the stars, the word virgin came up, (The bachelor) So, My youngest, she’s almost 10, asked what that meant, and I was honest and said it was someone who hadn’t had sex and he was waiting until he got married. She had this extremely perplexed look on her face and said, “Wait, you are confusing me. I thought that was someone who doesn’t eat dairy.” My reply, “No baby. That’s vegan.” Lol, I couldn’t help but laugh, kiss her face and tell her I loved her innocence.

  75.  #75Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Hi sirens
    Good for you memulo !!

    So the guy who I had a date with today from the dating site cancelled at the last minute via text.
    I was irritated but oh well. Now he wants to try and reschedule. I think not.

  76.  #76Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    He had not confirmed the date in advance even tho we set a time and day and place,,, I still wanted confirmation…and I was feeling uncertain ….well anywho… He cancelled. Blah!!

  77.  #77Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    My goal is to cd myself tomorrow and meet a new guy in a coffee shop or wherever I end up… I’m going to have a guy ask for my number tomorrow. A nice guy. I’m picturing it now. I will practice the tools and be open and waterwheeling….it’s going to happen.
    I can meet men anywhere. I’m going to a new location.
    Switch things up 🙂

  78.  #78Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    And I started a new eating program… I have been doing good and it’s not a diet, just healthier stuff!!

  79.  #79Emerson on March 18, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    What does it mean when a man says “don’t fall in love with me”…. Kinda in a jokey way but hmmmm….

  80.  #80Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 1:45 am

    Emerson the last time I heard that phrase it was from a married man. I would take it as his way of saying he is emotionally unavailable.

  81.  #81Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 3:54 am

    I agree, toe it means he is some kind of a player.

  82.  #82Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 3:54 am

    I agree, to me it means he is some kind of a player.

  83.  #83Turquoise on March 19, 2013 at 4:55 am

    Good morning sirens! Wow I feel great today! I’m not sure why, but it’s going to be a very busy week, so I’ll take it. The extra energy will help! 🙂

  84.  #84Turquoise on March 19, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Emerson, hmmmm… Don’t fall in love with me probably isn’t a good sign. He may be half joking… Half nervous…. But I do t think a man who really wants a serious relationship with you would say that. Doesn’t mean that can’t change though. You could spin it and say… Oh I probably won’t…. But I’m not sure there is any hope for you. I’m just so loveable! 🙂 try not to get too invested though.

  85.  #85Annie on March 19, 2013 at 5:34 am

    I felt saddened to raed about the janedoe Stuebenville rape case and that so many people who saw what was going on recorded it in real time and yet not one person stopped it, Or helped that young girl. That is the bit that I feel most disturbed about.

    I hope that all the families involved can now start healing from this.

  86.  #86IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 6:03 am

    @47 Mercedes – “What I know is that sometimes I do lean forward (right or wrong) and I always do it when I’m feeling something “off” inside of me because I never want to put J through what I put him through when I would hold things in and start getting more upset than I needed to.”

    I love this, and I agree with you on this. Thank you!

    It’s very John Mayer’s “Say what you need to say” I love that song…wish I had begun speaking my feelings when I was actually feeling them a loooong time ago!

    I feel thankful to know what I know now.

  87.  #87IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Feeling proud of myself: ate really healthy and well yesterday, went for a brisk walk, prayed, and read my bible. Four areas covered! also got a lot of cleaning and organizing done. Felt so good. Baby steps. 🙂

  88.  #88IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 6:08 am

    @70 Memulo – I feel so giggly reading that you have a cd you have named “dumbcd.” I don’t mean to be offensive at all. Hope you know what I mean…

  89.  #89Elsie on March 19, 2013 at 6:36 am

    “Dont Fall in love with me”…..

    My answer to that would be – I just want to thank you for letting me know in advance that you are completely emotionally unavailable, and that I dont need to waste any more of my time here, have a great night. 🙂 And then I would be peace, out.

    LOL – but seriously, that is what I would do.

    I would turn on my heel and run, not walk, the other way. That is a rediculous thing to say. Either he is emotionally unavailable, or thinks he is freakin’ awesome. Either way – no thanks………

  90.  #90Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Either he is emotionally unavailable, or thinks he is freakin’ awesome – it could also be that he has experienced women being laser focussed on him and does not want that because he does not want to be chased. The bottom line is take it as a message to focus on yourself. Let him do the chasing if there is any to be done. I don’t mind men who thing they are awesome.

  91.  #91IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 6:54 am

    I love men who think they are awesome, as long as they think I am awesome as well. 😉

  92.  #92Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Have you ever known a woman who recognized that a particular man was dishonest or unfaithful and yet still chose to date him? The reason for this decision was probably that she believed/felt that they had a “connection.” Her feelings told her that despite the negative information she knew about this man, he would be good to her. Their relationship would be different.

    She had an instinctual feeling about it. If anyone disagreed with her, it was because other individuals could not understand their specific “connection” which to her was markedly different from his past relationships with other women, or his past behavior.

    It is not that her feelings were necessarily wrong. In fact, I am quite certain that there were many wonderful qualities about such a man in this scenario. However, it is important to realize that women, like the one described above, who make assumptions simply based on the strength of their feelings are exaggerating the importance of what they feel.

    In turn, they are minimizing the significance regarding their lack of knowledge about a man’s character. The result is often a relationship that ends abruptly, and a desperate plea for help in getting him back.

    Bob Grant

  93.  #93Elsie on March 19, 2013 at 7:05 am

    I think there is a huge difference between a man with self esteem and self worth….
    …..and a man who says “Dont fall in love with me.”

    The second is a man who has an exaggerated “I’m a gift from God” complex.

    Not my cup of tea.

  94.  #94GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 7:22 am

    A man who says “Don’t fall in love with me” would be received (by me) as a man who has experienced women being “hurt” by his un-reciprocated feelings.

    A man who thinks he’s a gift from god probably wouldn’t try to do that “favour” for a woman. He would probably have narcissistic personality triats and would bask in the glory of all that love. He may even pretend to love back to keep receiving it.

    A man who says “don’t fall in love with me” is a) clueless, and b) misinformed.

  95.  #95GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 7:24 am

    If I got that msg from a man this would be my response:

    “LOL i’m not worried about that, and thanks for the warning.”

  96.  #96BeLoved on March 19, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Emerson, how did it feel to hear it? What came up for *you*?

  97.  #97nme008 on March 19, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Hey new here….just read Rori’s book and am so unsure about what to do with my man. He has withdrawn so much over the last few weeks. I definetly row more then he does in general and I’m trying to stop. I just don’t know how to work in the things guys hate: pretending, drama etc etc…. How do I tell him I’m mad he didn’t call last night when he said he would without creating drama and if I don’t tell him I’m definetly pretending cause I’m pissed at him. He’s not just a guy I’m dating, he’s my boyfriend. Granted only for 4 1/2 months now but still… a loss and confused here. I’m a very honest person and I just want to tell him he is hurting me.

  98.  #98Mercedes on March 19, 2013 at 7:50 am

    J said those words to me when we first started seeing each other. What he meant was “I don’t want to hurt you.”

    Much Love,

  99.  #99Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Hi ladies thanks for your replies… When I heard don’t fall in love with me I felt deflated …. Especially since things were going seemingly well up to that point.. I felt maybe the emotionally available thing was a possibility too….

  100.  #100GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I may just be an odd duck, but I actually see his saying that as being emotionally available in and of itself. He is communicating something deeper than what is on the surface…Not saying a man who says that is a great catch, but I didn’t jump to “emotionally unavailable”. Perhaps he has a tendancy to shut down when a woman’s feelings are far stronger than his own? I can’t say because I don’t know him…

  101.  #101Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Thanks glowstix….
    I actually have seen other signs that he is not available per se’…
    This is exoticCD I’m talking about….he seems to have a bit of an ego although he gushes over me he does not deliver…. He’s a bit hot and cold so I’m not taking him seriously…

    I talked to a new cd on the phone last nite that I just met online ….he seems verrry sweet and not at all arrogant…he seems very downtown earth!

    I feel self conscious about my finances because I’m basically broke living paycheck to paycheck….I feel scared someone will judge my “worth”… And not want to be with me 🙁

  102.  #102GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Hello typos and atrocious spelling. Love to you : )

    Today I feel….Fresh. Optimistic. Chilly air on my face and hands feels rejuvenating. Counting down 2 days till our new carpet goes in. 5 days till we have the moving truck. 12 days till it’s done. I have overwhelimg feeling lists and lists and lists of stuff to do…Flipping it to look positive and feel productive. I feel apprehensive about it all…Just waiting to see how it all feels when it all goes down. I have questions like…Will our relationship dynamic change? And answers like, yes, probably. And can I be ok with that? Yes, I believe I can.

  103.  #103Mercedes on March 19, 2013 at 8:15 am

    I’m with you GlowStix. The man who said it to me is now crazy in love with me. Maybe he thought he was emotionally unavailable. Maybe he thought he would only hurt me. Maybe he thought he could never return the feelings. In the end though…he became my life partner.

    I wouldn’t give up on a man who said that but I would absolutely hang on to my heart and date other men and look for someone more ready to feel that love coming from me. That is all hindsight though. Not what I actually did. What I actually did was got myself cheated on and hurt by someone who straight up told me not to fall in love.

    If I had it to do over, I would have avoided the falling in love part and would have let him know I was going to be out there looking for someone who wasn’t quite so afraid of it. (This part I actually did, but it happened at a much later date than it should have…)

    Much Love,

  104.  #104GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 8:16 am


    It’s all about how you feel and what’s right for you! : )

    And also, your worth as a human and a woman has nothing to do with monetary value. I’m sure of that!

    I have to believe that anyways cause I am broke azz!

  105.  #105Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Thanks glowstix!

    *Downtown earth lol I meant down to earth….

    Thanks Mercedes for your input …

    I have a feeling exoticCD is looking for sex first and who knows if he really wants more although he sys he does want marriage etcetera…he seems to not be acting like someone who is looking for that…

  106.  #106Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 8:44 am

    It might just be timing, Emerson. He might be looking for that, just not right now. Also I would give him time to “play his hand”. You don’t know yet if he is hung up on an ex. 6 months down the line he will be more his true self.

  107.  #107Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Perhaps he has a tendancy to shut down when a woman’s feelings are far stronger than his own?

    This is an interesting concept. I always thought that the woman is the emotional leader and the man will follow the lead here. Especially when he wants to be with that woman. I wonder how I would be with a man who chooses to shut down like this? If it is stronger in a draining sense I can understand wanting to get away from it.

  108.  #108MovingMagic on March 19, 2013 at 9:05 am

    If I were to ever say the words “Don’t fall in love with me” to a man, it would be in recognition of being unavailable emotionally.

  109.  #109Turquoise on March 19, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Emerson, your worth is not equal to your income!!!! I mostly live paycheck to paycheck also. It was a relief to get caught up on bills splurge slightly and put some cash aside with my tax return. But I still have a ways to go until I’ll feel financially secure. But, I’m being responsible, doing the best I can, and looking ahead. I’ve come a long way, you’ll get there too. I wonder where some friends get all that money to live the way they do. Constantly remodeling, vacations, new cars, etc. and I wonder if they are digging further and further into debt? I don’t want to go there again. My budget is tight, but I don’t acrue new debt. That feels relieving.

  110.  #110Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Thanks turquoise.
    I am on the right track too it’s just been hard to keep up.. Im a medical professional and in one of my side jobs recently I was making less than I did in a “nonskilled” job ten years ago… How depressing is that…

  111.  #111Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 9:22 am

    105 fw
    Interesting perspective … Maybe it is timing. I know he is not married or hiding a live in… I went to his house. He does have his girl “friend” who has bugged me from day one but who am I to say what he can do…it’s not my place but to me if he is that close to another female he is not really serious about finding “someone special”…. Just my gut feeling …she is fillin that space for him and I almost see him as weak if that is true… I feel judgmental but it’s how I feel

  112.  #112Rori Raye on March 19, 2013 at 9:34 am

    nme – Welcome, and what’s happening to you is exactly what most of my clients and readers are going through – and it’s a process of change that has to start with you. This has nothing to do with “hurt.” There’s always only 2 options here: 1. You make changes inside and outside yourself that change your vibe, change the way you see yourself and think about yourself, change the way you think about him and the relationship, change the words you use and the way you speak to him and the intent behind your words – the Modern Siren combo – and he’ll come closer, OR 2. He’s simply just not the right man for you. It’s not a match. It doesn’t matter if he’s not right for you because he’s a great guy but just isn’t right, or because he’s UNABLE to DO a real relationship – and it doesn’t matter how great YOU are – the answer is the same: not the right match.

    The way to go is work at option number 1 and see what happens. If things don’t turn around, then it’s just not right, and Circular Dating is always incredibly helpful. Learn what that is here and in my ebook…Love, Rori

  113.  #113Violette on March 19, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Emerson I love that he cancelled on your date and you dropped him from the rotation. I wish I had done that with the guys who did that to me. It must feel very good to take care of yourself that way! Continuing with the ones who did that to me got me nothing positive…I mean a casual text cancel of course!

    I love the debate about don’t fall in love with me…

  114.  #114Annie on March 19, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Rori says.

    “This has nothing to do with “hurt.”

    I feel curious about that.

    If we do the work wouldn’t it be. I am hurting myself, and then how am I hurting myself?

  115.  #115BeLoved on March 19, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Emerson have you expressed feeling bugged by the girl? Did you tell him you felt deflated or judgmental? These are great opportunities to practice. I found that men dont judge our judging the way we do, they like to see our humanity.

  116.  #116Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Anyone have any thoughts on this, I would sure appreciate it.

    I’ve been out on a few dates with someone over the last few weeks. We dated 3 years and recently reconnected again. We stopped dating before because of his being “cheap”. That’s my take anyway. We had gone out a few times, always his initiation and he paid. Then the last time, I think I suggested a place to go out to dinner, and when the check arrived, he expected me to pay. I was a bit surprised and taken aback, and I believe he ended up paying but it definitely created tension between us. That was our last date.

    Fast forward to a few weeks ago. As I said, we’ve reconnected, and he’s been paying for dinner on the three dates we’ve been on. But he’s still a cheap guy, and always goes for the cheapest wine etc. It still bothers me and I have a feeling that it will become an issue again. What should I do? I know that RR always says that the guy should pay but what if you’re dating someone is cheap and wants you to pony up too? It just feels so crass and unappealing. Ughh.

    What’s your take on this? I’d appreciate some perspective! Thanks!

  117.  #117IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 10:38 am

    @97 nme008 – Greetings, and let me second the welcome! You sound frustrated and like you are rowing the boat. DEFINITELY start with Rori’s ebook. Its inexpensive and extremely helpful.

    As far as your most recent frustration, with him not calling last night like he said he would, there’s a little technique here called “feeling your feelings.”

    If you feel angry, go ahead and feel angry.

    My guess would also be that you feel scared and insecure. You feel uncared for. Maybe. again, I’m just guessing, here. Maybe you’re thinking of the last guy who cheated on you, or man in your life who abandoned you, or any number of people in your past who have betrayed you.

    It’s okay to feel scared.
    Just don’t blame HIM.
    He could’ve had 20,000 reasons why he didn’t call, none of which have to do with YOU or HIS FEELINGS FOR YOU.

    One thing I’ve learned here is that guys have completely different timelines from women. What feels like a thousand years to us, feels like a day to them, for example. (that’s actually from the bible, comparing humans to God, but I think it works in the female/male dynamic as well.)

    Instead of telling him how angry you feel, maybe work through this feelings by yourself and try to figure out why you feel that way.

    Then, find ways to make yourself happy. Do things you love to do.

    Finally, when he does call, hopefully you will be happy, and you can say something like “It feels so good to hear your voice! It would feel so great if you called me more, I love it so much and I miss you when I don’t hear from you!”

    He’ll respond much better to that then, “I feel so angry you didn’t call last night (or this whole week) you stupid idiot, why didn’t you call?”

    It wouldn’t feel good if someone said that to you, would it?

    Hope that helps. 🙂

  118.  #118Mercedes on March 19, 2013 at 10:48 am

    nme: I second the entire comment posted by IamHis. Perfect!

    LL: I’m one of those women who almost never pays on dates (though sometimes I do just to surprise J) and I never have. That said, when I’m dating a guy and he is paying, I feel good about letting him be as cheap or as lavish as he wants to be. If he can only afford (or only wants to buy) the cheapest wine, well…in my mind…it’s his money so his decision. I personally think if I want something more expensive than he is prepared to offer, I should probably be willing to pay the difference (which might emasculate some men).

    If you believe it is going to be an issue for you, I would not continue to date this man. It’s okay…it doesn’t matter if your tastes are different than his and you want more than he is willing to financially offer…but I think it is only fair to him that you let him go and move on to a man more suited to what you are looking for…especially if this is something that irritates you (I also didn’t continue to date men I was irritated by).

    Anyway, some men are going to be more frugal than others and some women are going to be fine with that. Lots of women are good with free/inexpensive dates like walks in the park or sharing a sandwich over coffee and lots of women aren’t. I think that’s all perfectly fine UNLESS we’re dating a man who is different that what we ultimately want. If finances and spending are an issue from the beginning, they aren’t going to get much better over time (imo).

    Much Love,

  119.  #119Mercedes on March 19, 2013 at 10:50 am

    “I’m one of those women who almost never pays on dates (though sometimes I do just to surprise J) and I never have. ” – Meaning I never have really been like that. Not something I learned I don’t think, just a way I’ve always been. Some guys can’t stand that about me. Those guys never got past date two if there even was a date two…

  120.  #120IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 10:58 am

    @116 LL – I second what Mercedes said. In addition, you might really want to explore your feelings regarding $. Do you have an idea of how much $$ this man makes? Does it bother you that he makes a lot and doesn’t spend enough on you, or does it bother you that he doesn’t make a lot, and therefore NEEDS to be more frugal?

    I’ve learned to appreciate and respect a man who is careful with his $, as I tend to be more of a spender.

    The kind of man who saves and invests is the kind of man who can take care of expensive emergencies when they come up, and they DO and WILL come up!

    I’ve also noticed that some men who make a big deal over how much $ they are spending over a woman, (either showing off or complaining about it) tend to be REALLY insecure.

    I would encourage you to explore your feelings around men and money.

    How did your father or father figure handle money? How have your past boyfriends/exes handled money?

    How did it make you feel when a lot was spent on you, or barely any money was spent on you?

    You can learn a lot about yourself, and once you’ve done that, it’ll be easier to talk to your man in non-blame-y feeling messages about $$$.

    Hope that helps. 🙂

  121.  #121Indigo on March 19, 2013 at 11:09 am

    To me “don’t fall in love with me” is nuanced – I think it means he feels he has issues which make him not a prime candidate for a relationship or not a great boyfriend. I think it demonstrates a certain amount of concern for the woman’s feelings, as in I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t think it necessarily means he’s a player, but I think he feels scared to be entrusted with a woman’s heart.

  122.  #122Indigo on March 19, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Liquid Light,

    I believe Rori’s advice – and it’s great advice! – is to indicate to the guy that you don’t need to be taken to somewhere expensive or do things which cost a lot of money, but that it doesn’t feel romantic to you to pay. But then of course you actually need to be ok with doing things which are not expensive!

    Are you able to shift your expectations around this? To still feel treated and romanced if he’s paying, even though it may not be something very expensive?

    I understand wanting to be spoilt and to be treated to something a little bit lavish, but I’ve found there is HUGE contentment and good feelings to be gained from appreciating even small and inexpensive things that a guy does for you.

    If the guy actually asks or expects you to pay, I would say sweetly with a smile that that doesn’t feel good to me 🙂

  123.  #123IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 11:17 am

    “Don’t fall in love with me”

    I don’t know the context of this statement, coming from this man, but here are my thoughts.

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (Reverse psychology. Really, he’s saying “Fall in love with me. I dare you. It’ll be the most wonderful, wild ride of your life.)

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (a man’s way of slowing a woman down. Women may fall hard and fast for him and he doesn’t like it! He wants to pursue and do it on his timeline!)

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (I’ve hurt many women. I don’t like hurting women. I’m unsure of how I feel and I feel scared and you’ll be probably get hurt.)

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (Because the next time I fall in love, I want it to be the last time, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that.)

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (I’m just not that into you.) I doubt that, though…

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (now is just not a good time for you to be falling in love with me.)

    “Don’t fall in love with me.” (OH PLEASE FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!!! AND MAY IT PLEASE BE THE
    LAST TIME!!!)

    …I had way too much fun with that….

    …I feel awkward…

    …and giggly…

    …and a little guilty…

    …not trying to be insensitive AT ALL…

    what do y’all think? 🙂

  124.  #124Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 11:18 am

    @Iamhis The last guy I dated spared no expense and took me out all the time to great restaurants and places. I loved it….but I think there was an expectation there that I can sum up as “my way or the highway”. He always expected me to do what he wanted when he wanted. And I didn’t really feel like I had time to attend to the things that I really cared about and wanted to do.

    @Mercedes…yeah, interesting that you say that. I have a feeling that it will be an issue and isn’t going to “go away”. Sigh. Unfortunately, where I live now, in a small town in the mountains, there aren’t a lot of accomplished successful men here (there’s are a lot of ski-bum types) so finding someone who is more accomplished and willing to spend his money generously is challenging.

  125.  #125IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Feel curious as to where Starla is. Haven’t heard from her in a while, and feel a little worried. Big hugs to you, Starla, wherever you are, and when/if you read this!!!

  126.  #126Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 11:52 am

    @Indigo Yes, I get what you are saying. That’s a great perspective, thank you! I can appreciate the littler things he does and be okay with that I think. I just don’t feel comfortable with what happened last time we dated where he expected me to pay for dinner. The relationship ended after that so I’m worried that the same thing will happen the second time around, three years later. On the plus side, he’s very smart, good looking (yeah that’s imp to me) and has a good heart. And he seems like he’s quite excited and enthused about me.

  127.  #127Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Personally, if someone said “Don’t fall in love with me” I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I think that’s a huge red flag.

  128.  #128Linda on March 19, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    It feels like trying to figure out what this guy meant by saying “don’t fall in love with me” is just putting too much energy into him and making excuses for him.

  129.  #129Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    116 liquid light
    There are plenty of inexpensive ways to spend time together…
    I’m also annoyed by “cheap” guys and I would feel resentful if a guy asked me to pay…
    I do admire a budget conscious man though and maybe that’s all it is… If he is frugal I am ok with that but it is up to us to clarify it feels unromantic to split the bill and then stick by that statement!!
    Maybe he’s just clueless … In these days of equality sometimes men get confused. I wouldn’t rule him out for it…

  130.  #130Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    LL, I figured for myself that if a guy is cheap he will never change. As you get closer, he will expect you to pay more and when you get even closer he may start controlling how you spend your money. Of course this picture may feel as too dark but in my experience this is how it worked;)

  131.  #131Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Memulo, yeah, that’s what I’m worried about too. I guess even so I can still keep dating him, and others too, and see what happens. Like I said, he’s got tons of good qualities (love love love how smart he is and the conversations we have) so I’d like to give him a chance. Also, there’s some nice chemistry between us. We shared an awesome kiss last night which was totally unexpected (the awesomeness of it that is)!

  132.  #132Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I hate it how heartbroken about dumbcd I feel and how little I mean to him. It’s like a loop and I still can’t catch my tail;) Also upset that he might know that I once referred to our story as ‘didn’t work out’.

  133.  #133IamHis on March 19, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    @128 Linda – I tend to agree. I was just playing, because I was feeling playful. I feel shy…

  134.  #134nme008 on March 19, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you for the response!!!

    @IamHis – Thanks for what you said, actually made me cry, lol. Not in a bad way, I’m extra emotional latley. But anyway wanted to touch on somethings and maybe expand. Fist I have RR’s book and read it front to back one and have gone back to some parts since. I’ll also add I have over 15 pages of notes I took while reading lol.

    But you are very right…him not calling has a lot to do with my insecurities. A little back ground on me? I am 31, met my ex when I was 16 married at 18 and married for 11 years. So I’m not so experianced in dating. I’m divorced now (my ex left 2 yrs ago) and this is only my second relationship, the first one I had ended with him just falling off. So I definetly relate silence on his side meaning the end of things. It scares me.

    I really care about the guy I’m with now. I know he has been super hurt in past relationships and feels like he was hurt by me after we were together for 2 months. I was in the wrong situation at the wrong time and was taken advantage of with a kiss that I did not start and def pulled away from but he saw and was really upset. We had a little break up but only for a weekend. He came back to me but I feel like things were never the same since. That was almost 3 months ago now…but I feel the real distance has been the last few weeks. I don’t know how to reach him. When I ask he says he likes me, stop acting crazy, I want something and expect immediate results and I need to not push.

    He says he wants to see me but since last week on thursday I’ve decided not to be the one to ask when I’m gonna see him or invite him over and he has done nothing. This friday will be two weeks since I’ve seen him. Granted I have my kids every monday and tuesday and every other weekend (this was my weekend that just past) and since he hasn’t met my kids yet that hinders things. But I know he has plans for march madness on friday night with friends and works on saturday so I’m just wondering when he is going to fit me in! I want to say something so bad!!!

  135.  #135nme008 on March 19, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    BTW I have no idea how a pic of myself is attached here???? I didn’t put it there, it’s a very old pic lol.

  136.  #136Turquoise on March 19, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Memulo, I challenge you to stop thinking/writing/sharing/worrying/wondering/etc. about dumbcd for a day, then 2 days… then a week. He’s gone. It didn’t work out. All this focus on your past isn’t helping you sweetie. Sometimes we need to take a deep breath, accept that for whatever reason it didn’t work out and move beyond it. I think the only way to do that, is to stop giving that story, or that time in your life, any energy. I know that is easier said than done….. but if you shift your focus and truely try to let it go, time will help and it will work.

    I know you can do this. I know you want to be happy. Give yourself the opportunity for that to happen. ((((Memulo))))

  137.  #137Veronica on March 19, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Mm I also want to explore a little bit about money. I remember during the relationship we agreed to split the bills but not in half. BeautifulMan framed it as treating each other in turns which I felt comfortable with. It gave me a chance to express my thankfulness for being with him. Later on we decided to save and he would cook meals or we would cook together and what started to happen was that there were different expressions of generosity (not necessarily value) – he would cook these gorgeously delicious meals that were objectively super cheap compared to a restaurant and I could watch him make this food, help him if he wanted, have fun with him and when it was time to eat I would kiss him excitedly and say thank you. Kissing him before we ate the food he made was a ritual I kind of fell into. I know he was trying to save up money for a really big project he wanted to do in the future which would be such a good thing for his life. Not spending so much money was kind of like a tribute to that future life of his. There were times when he would buy me good dark chocolate which I loved – his thinking of me and the chocolate. I miss him and in a good way. It feels good to remember this.

    I still talk to him and I still feel the care from his side – I don’t know what that all means and I don’t if it’s good for me long term. And I’m okay with that (the uncertainty) for now.

  138.  #138Veronica on March 19, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    *and I don’t know

  139.  #139Linda on March 19, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    To Iamhis;
    I know you were playing. I feel bad if I embarrassed you. Your remarks were very cute

  140.  #140Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    113 Violette

    Thanks for your comment…yes it was a no brainer to drop the newCD after he cancelled because I automatically felt turned off and disrespected…and I was not invested at all and I have about 3 other CDs wanting my attention from the dating site so why waste my time (yawn),,,

    I did text him back and ask why he cancelled and told him it felt bad to be cancelled on the same day and via text…with no reason and no phone call (he finally explained he got called into work..)

    Funny thing is I was called in to cover a shift at work and I turned it down because of my plans with this guy. Ironic. I didn’t mention this to him though. Why bother?
    Anyways…He apologized and I accepted his apology of course…..but after all that he still wanted to see me and trying to send me jokes, etc to get my attention.

  141.  #141Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    123 IamHis
    I love it!!!
    LOL…I have so many different perspectives now of possible meanings…I feel better and maybe it doesn’t matter what it means…
    exoticCD is texting me or calling me every day so why do I think he is not interested? Although he has yet to make further plans to meet…(?? strange, this is a new one for me..)??? I suppose he is interested on some level and I’m totally leaning back on this one…

  142.  #142Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    115 Beloved I haven’t said that per se’ no….but I have expressed that most women are territorial and did his girl “friend” mind that he was dating…LOL maybe that was indirect but anyway we have only been on three dates so I am just scoping out the situation…

  143.  #143Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Hi nme 008
    cute pic!
    I like what IamHis says in 117 that seems like a great perspective…well said IamHis!

    Mercedes I appreciate your perspective on the “don’t fall in love with me” comment and I do find it interesting how your situation turned out well..

    Meanwhile, I talked to a new cd last night on the phone and he is such a sweetheart! He was easy to talk to and a bit out of my norm “type”…he wants to meet me this week and I feel excited to wear my new underwear (even though he won’t see it, I feel sexy knowing I’m wearing it!) SIREN….

    Just a side thought…I did notice when I met exoticCD for the first time, I got the butterfly feelings of chemistry and attraction…but at the same time I am not invested…
    He expressed he had those feelings with me (I have not said anything of the sort LOL)…so maybe we are just two scared people with baggage trying to figure out what to do next LOL…

    I am ready to love but I am cautious…

  144.  #144GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Aw this feels kind of sad…

    I gave up on expecting the man to pay for stuff because he simply could not and I decided I could feel romantic even without being payed for. I am with a wonderful and emotionally secure and generous man. Once he got a raise and (now) a promotion, he has started paying for more and more and has begun to buy me random stuff for no reason, and it feels even sweeter.

    So…Yes, it can change for the better, and without ANY prompting at all. I don’t expect that anyone would give up a must have, for them, yet I also hope no one decides to adhere to the miguided idea that the amount of money a man has, or what he decides (or can or can not) to spend on you determines his worth as a partner, or that it won’t change with time and circumstance.

    What a man spent on me was NEVER important to me. I understand fully that it IS important to others, and that’s cool. No judgement. But if there is anyone reading who feels the same way I do, i’m here to say it’s not all so black and white. A man’s character and integrity and willingness to listen and be a partner are far more important things.

  145.  #145Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Glowstix: that’s great to get your perspective, and your experience is so interesting. Thanks for sharing!

    It’s funny because when I compare mdcd to pastcd, they are opposites in many ways. Mdcd is smart and educated and interested in my perspective on things in a way that pastcd wasn’t. We had a hard time communicating sometimes and I felt uncomfortable expressing myself with him totally. (He’s a very domineering type A guy.) He also paid for everything.

    with mdcd, like I said he’s a bit of a tightwad. So he’s very different from pastcd. Btw, pastcd dumped me when he wasn’t getting his way anymore and I wasn’t always available and giving him constant attention like I had been.

    I like that you said your guy changed as the relationship deepened and he got more resources. I’ve heard so often that if a man is cheap its just the way he and he will never change. But perhaps that’s not necessarily true.

  146.  #146GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    I’m kind of realizing if I had fully listened to Rori’s advice I wouldn’t even be with this man…It feels kind of strange. I guess I picked and chose stuff that worked for me…
    The way he “treated” me when I was only dating him was cooking dinner and having me over. Buying my coffee and other less expensive stuff. I felt “treated” because he was always asking “do you want or need anything?” and still does.

  147.  #147Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    I agree with what you are saying and I definitely hear your words….great to see your perspective…

    Yes those things are more important than money but many of us women get caught up in a trap and may settle for a man who will “never” step up financially (awesome your man is not that way) and we end up rowing the boat and taking on the male role…IMHO

    It’s hard to know if a man will step up or not… I guess that’s my issue if from the start he wants me to pay I feel turned off….
    That’s just me I want a provider (“potential” is possible but hard to read…or predict)

  148.  #148GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Liquid light

    perhaps it’s about the man underneath it all. If I were to pick him apart I could easily find clues to show that he’s a generous and emotionally secure man. He has his minor “issues” from growing up and past relationships, as we all do. It was really his willingness to listen to me, and communicate, his generosity in other areas, and his integrity that told me he was a quality individual. It’s just that, once we were in a committed relationship I had to be willing to pay some part of the groceries and pay my half when we travel etc. Otherwise, we just wouldn’t go.

    Mostly, it’s about honouring ourselves and trusting ourselves and our boundaries. There is also a small part, to me, that involves looking beyond and deciding what is really important and what is not.

  149.  #149GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Of course…When we are CDing there is some “competition” there and there may be other, more well suited men around us. It happened that he was the “best” one in my rotation and the first to ask me if I would be exclusive and since I liked him so much, I chose to do that. Others may not do that without a ring, so there’s definitely differing views and feelings! To each their own : )

  150.  #150nme008 on March 19, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    How do you cd till you get a ring people would get engaged without ever exclusively dating someone and being committed to just them? I don’t get that. I dated a lot when my ex and I split but I’ve only been in two relationships. Both were exclusive once I slept with them, I made that clear. As is the relationship with my guy now. We’ve never had the boyfriend girlfriend talk but we both talked about how we are into eachother and sleeping and seeing eachother so there will be nobody else till we decide we don’t want to see eachother any more. But now that the distance thing is starting I’m wanting more clarification on our relationship lol.

  151.  #151Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Another factor with excd is that with his paying for everything, I think there was the expectation that he would get his way. And that included sex, he pretty much expected it whenever he wanted it (which was a lot). I started resenting this. Anyway, it was almost like he was paying for sex which was starting to feel kinda icky.

    Have any women experienced something like this?

  152.  #152Linda on March 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Being cheap and unwilling to pay is not the same as being unable to pay.

    Any man who pays for things thinking this will/should get him sex is immature and manipulative.
    Many men pay for gifts, dinners, etc for women who will never sleep with them. It’s your degree of difficulty

  153.  #153Linda on March 19, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    I used to have a “boyfriend” who was cheap and never spent money on me, not even on my birthday. Turns out, he was quite generous with himself. Buying motorcycles, new cars, etc.

    It took me months to figure out he was toxic

  154.  #154Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Well we were together for a year so I can’t say that I would ever date someone for that long and not have sex with them. (I’d only do it if I weren’t attracted to them, and then it woulda ended long before that cuz I woulda gotten bored.)

  155.  #155Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    @ LInda 153, that sounds like a nightmare. What an *&&^^&^%^&%%+(&^%%###!!!

  156.  #156Liquid Light on March 19, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Glowstix 148, I like that. It makes a lot of sense and I would like to be open like that. I just know that a man being “cheap” is a huge trigger for me. So maybe its more about me than them. I dunno, its a tricky one…

  157.  #157LoveAlways on March 19, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Deciding to enjoy some me time. I miss HScd and kind of expected him to be around but he is not. I felt all tight and anxious and worried. I somehow stepped outside of myself even though I was conscious of my feelings all day long and was riding the wave of going in and out of the pits. I know he is going through personal changes, etc. and instead of getting all crazy about what’s going on in his head and how he’s feeling and doing I decided the right thing to do is to get into my own head, my own self and let it all be about me. This calmed me down, shut up the NVs and turned the crazy feeling into a cozy feeling. I put on soft pink pajamas, munching on some siren goodies and totally staying in my feelings and vibe.

  158.  #158LoveAlways on March 19, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    136: Turquoise says:

    “Memulo, I challenge you to stop thinking/writing/sharing/worrying/wondering/etc. about dumbcd for a day, then 2 days… then a week. He’s gone. It didn’t work out. All this focus on your past isn’t helping you sweetie. Sometimes we need to take a deep breath, accept that for whatever reason it didn’t work out and move beyond it. I think the only way to do that, is to stop giving that story, or that time in your life, any energy. I know that is easier said than done….. but if you shift your focus and truely try to let it go, time will help and it will work.

    I know you can do this. I know you want to be happy. Give yourself the opportunity for that to happen. ((((Memulo))))”

    I LOVE this!

    Memulo – I support you in this. It is so worth doing. Each time you find yourself about to think etc., about him, do a visualization of, whatever! Maybe a wonderful day you spent on the beach or shopping, or even a fantasy of the perfect day with a man who you love, but let the man be faceless. Take the visualization to diminish his energy from you. What we visualize can come true!! Visualize wonderful siren times, just exclude him.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on March 19, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Even just saying blah blah blah in your mind or out loud can help. That is if you really are committed to moving away from the obsessing.

  160.  #160Tereana on March 19, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    New post already!

    Wow, I just had some major “stuff” come up, around commitment and self-care. It’s been very revealing, but also stressful.

    Would I have been better off doing the thing I committed to a few weeks back, even though I was feeling uncomfortable with it? Or to do what I did, which was to make another choice, which basically makes me into a “flake” just like all the other flakey things people do that I hate. Urg. This was with a guy, too, but not in a romantic way. So it’s kind of “clean.” but it still has echoes of when I was with my fiancé and felt like I “couldn’t do it.” then afterward, I felt SO guilty.

    And here it is again – that righteous sense that tells me I’m in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing with the wrong person, and I’d better get out. And no sooner than I make that decision then I feel like the most horrible person in the world. Even if I’m not. Even if I have every right to make my own decisions.

    But somehow it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like there is a “right” way, and a “right” decision. And I got it wrong.

    But there is so much conflicting information.

    How does it all make sense? And why does it feel “wrong” to make a decision that’s best for me? Why does it feel “wrong” to take care of myself before another person? Why do I feel so crappy and terrible and ashamed? I thought taking care if yourself was supposed to feel good :-/

    No wonder I don’t do it very often… 🙁

  161.  #161Tereana on March 19, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Also, why do I have to choose between commitment and self-care?

    Are those two things diametrically opposed?

  162.  #162GlowStix on March 19, 2013 at 8:00 pm


    No…Self care can be practiced within committment. Hmm…Self care itself is a committment.

  163.  #163Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    Turquoise, LoveAlways, FW, thank you. I will try. I was feeling better about it already and could see clearer what happened and how I was treated, but after the break up with my cd I fell back into the old pattern.
    One thing that I learned from the past year or so is that I don’t really want to cd, because I know all too well what I really want in a man and I see pretty much right away when they are NOT that. And most of them are not. I feel that I am wasting time when I still go on dates, when I KNOW they are not for me. I guess I don’t have to, I can just wait till it feels right. Plus with my work/study/exercise schedule I don’t have much extra time anyway.

  164.  #164Linda on March 19, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    You can circular date without actually dating. It will feed your self esteem

  165.  #165Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Tereana, I can so relate. What I found out us that we assume that out certain behavior or decisions will hurt the other person. Are we projecting out feelings on them? Not sure. But the truth is that it’s not necessary true or not to the extent we think it is. Other people come and go, you’re the only one you have;)

  166.  #166Memulo on March 19, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Yes Linda, thank you, I can flirt;)

  167.  #167Vi on March 19, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    MH showed so much tenderness and compassion, I numbed out! I feel guilty for feeling that way. Um.. at least I didn’t repeat my usual patterns which are: judging a man’s compassion as weakness and judging him for showing it; going into daughter’s mode and focusing on him and feeling glad I pleased him. I love my guilt. I love my numbness, and I love my vibe!

  168.  #168Indigo on March 19, 2013 at 10:06 pm


    Not obsessing about a guy is an art and a practice that you develop over time, so don’t beat yourself up too much if you can’t do it all in one go, or if you find your mind drifting to him. Remember, that’s a habit you developed over time and it will take time to break.

    Each time your mind wanders to him, just gently re-focus it on something else. Every single time. You may find yourself having to do it every few seconds. But eventually it becomes a habit and you find the time periods between thinking about him get longer and it gets easier to do.

  169.  #169Siren song on March 19, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Hey sirens,

    It’s been forever, just dropping in to say hello. I’ve been super-focused on work and school, but I’ve been out using the tools when I can and with amazing effects: I feel like a goddess every time info out with my guy friends. I’m also cding a bit, but nobody has done it for me in a while. I feel unconcerned about it, though, and feel confident that I am ready for a really good man. I haven’t really felt like that…ever.


  170.  #170Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Hi siren song!!!

  171.  #171Siren song on March 19, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Emerson!

  172.  #172Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    167 Vi I can relate to what you are saying about going numb! I was just thinking about something similar today ….

    also was thinking about what fw asked me once…. How does it feel to have all of a mans energy and attention coming at me? To me it’s interpreted as smothering and controlling… Even if it is not.

    I’m learning that in a positive way all things are not as they seem sometimes …I’ve been pleasantly surprised at work with people coming thru for me and not holding grudges like i thought they would! Yah I’m happy about that ….

  173.  #173Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Exotic cd contacted me again today… More small talk pleasantries as I was not in a place where I could really get into anything substantial with him… I was on my break…
    But it was nice to hear from him…

    Still really excited to meet a newbie cd on thurs!!

  174.  #174Emerson on March 19, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    Oh and exoticCD still did not make plans with me…. Meh whatever!

  175.  #175Libelula on March 20, 2013 at 12:10 am

    I’m sorry, this is a double. I don’t know how I got mixed up and commented on a former post. I tried to delete my previous comment, but no luck.

    I’d like to share my celebration with you! Since I stopped having contact with Mr UnA at the beginning of this month, I’ve been trying to focus on practicing the tools, working on myself, focusing on my job & life and listening to more of Rori’s audios. I recently finished Sirens & have been listening to Commitment Blueprint. Mr UnA recontacted me tonight and I just kept it light, then when he wanted to go down an old “path,” I told him no. I basically said “it feels good to hear from you, but it doesn’t feel good to go down this road with you again.” I said good night and hung up.

    I did it! I really did! I don’t know if I can last as long as needed, but tonight I took care of myself and listened to my intuition. And I’m really happy that I didn’t cave like I usually do & give in.

  176.  #176Daria on March 20, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Yeah ! Sex Is For Me and it’s easier for me to remember it.

    What I’m doing with my sexuality right now: it’s for me, and I feel so appreciative of help with it and dm actually feeling excited and desiring and open to help with enjoying it for me.

  177.  #177Daria on March 20, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Sex is for me. I’m at a place where sex is for pleasing me.

    I feel self conscious about this and also softly and deeply excited and turned on…

  178.  #178Daria on March 20, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Wow my brother just hit me on on my social site I don’t think he know it’s me… Now I called him brother so hell know

    I feel loue by life and my family and spili n me… I feel honored the way I took care of me tOday

  179.  #179Syrena on March 20, 2013 at 3:15 am

    After leanning back and following tools cding.

    One of my cds last night states the following.

    “After five dates and being acquaintances at local group for over a year I think you’ve had more than enough time to decide and it’s starting to feel a little insulting to be held at arm’s length for so long. There are no cheap evening dates aside from the pub/wine bars unless we find one of the few cafes that are still open and even these are not cheap when I’m expected to pick up every bill. You spoke a while ago about our relationship moving forward but it isn’t. After nearly two months I still have to work hard to get you to commit to a day, time and place and even then I only see you for an hour or two once a week. It’s been fun but I’m sorry, I can’t continue to see you.”

    This was his response to me after the following response from me about being a girlfriend and having sex. I don’t want to commit to be a girlfriend. As I am looking for the real deal life partner. Saying I don’t feel comfortable going to his house alone with him and having full sex with him in the getting to know each other stage and saying how going dutch which he know wanted to do after five dates feels like friendship to me rather than romance.

    He feels insulted and doesn’t want to pay for anymore dates obviously. Wanting to get me to his house have sex and commit to be his girlfriend after just five short dates. 4 of which he just brought me a coffee and one cinema trip. I said was happy to go on free dates. walks bike rides etc.. .

    I felt easy and comfortable with him. Just didn’t want to be an exclusive girlfriend, have sex and go dutch with someone I do not really know yet.

    Oh well not a lot I can do, let him go.

    I don’t want to invite men into my home or go to there house alone after just a few one or two hour coffee dates.

    What can I learn from this? I feel a slight sadness as I liked his company but mainly easy and ok then bye.

  180.  #180Syrena on March 20, 2013 at 3:23 am

    my response was ok then :D. I am now wondering if it would have been better to express more, but felt best to agree and let him go.

    I feel uncertain and a little insecure if that was me shutting down now.

  181.  #181Vi on March 20, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Emerson it feels like you get me and it feels amazing! Thank you!

  182.  #182IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I feel embarrassed, but I want to work through this. Was with a group of guy friends last night and I felt like they were acting “distant” and “weird” and it didn’t feel good. Did I feel “distant” and “weird” myself? No, I really didn’t. But what I perceived as their distance and weirdness, triggered my feelings of distance and weirdness.

    and then I spiralled downward into this negative mindset about men. and started thinking about all the guys who let me down, don’t step up, abandon me, etc.

    Rori, I’m begging you to keep that sale up until tax season is over! Once I get my refund, I am SO getting every single program, but I really can’t afford it without the sale!!!!

    I feel kind of panicky. Like if I don’t get all the programs, I’ll never “make it” and I’ll never truly understand…

    need to focus on good stuff. self-healing, and all that good feeling stuff. this feels better.

  183.  #183Heart on March 20, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Hi Blog – I feel centered right now. I joined a gym & I’m a little sore. Anyway I’ll still be in my current location for a few couple of weeks…I might even remain here for a lot longer…lits of work surprises this week.
    I’m rebuilding & working on myself.
    I met an attractive guy & we danced and talked and he called me the next day to ask me out for that same night but I had plans & asked him to call me the next day. Haven’t heard from him since then. I wasnt that attracted to him anyway.

    As for CudG….he liked a photo of mine on FB …but he still hasn’t responded to my email. We do not interact on FB …he’s not a very active user…It’s the first time he has ever done this …so I felt a mix of surprise, happy, confused & angry (feelings cocktail).
    Any sirens experience this kind of weirdness from a guy?

    The good news is I’m naturally starting to focus more and more on myself with each passing day.

  184.  #184IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:22 am

    what I can do to feel good? what’s exciting in MY LIFE right now that feels good? studying for my big test. that feels good. I can ace it! I’m currently reading three WONDERFUL books.

    – The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection by Susan Anderson. This is an out-of-print book that they still have on Amazon, and it’s a workbook of sorts that helps you through all the stages of abandoment. LOVING IT!

    -Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – I love this because it combines psychology with Christianity and shows the wisdom of scripture through a psychological lens. LOVE IT!

    – and another book that I’m keeping secret! (not really relevant for this thread, but it’s also non-fiction.)


    I love bettering myself through reading!!!

    I can get excited about this and shift my focus away from the icky negativity.

    Yaaaay. 🙂

  185.  #185IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:37 am

    I feel paranoid about this one, because I’ve been talking so much about it in “real life.”

    Another amazing read that I highly recommend to everyone here, even though it’s technically a “business book,” is The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon. I swear, it’s life-changing and wonderful!!!

    I feel curious. Why don’t people read more? It could improve and change our world so much.

    I felt so sad and disturbed reading the news yesterday…:(

    want to focus on the good, focus on the good…

    someone saved the day by calling the cops! wow, that’s amazing!

    found an old friend on facebook from third grade that I absolutely LOVED.

    I feel embarrassed writing all this stuff out, but I feel like I really need to, for the sake of my mental health.

    I hope someone reading it can relate to it, and shift their negative thinking into positive thinking!

  186.  #186IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:52 am

    ((((Heart))))) – It feels good to read about your working out, taking care of yourself, etc.

    It feels good to read about your meeting a man that you found attractive. I can feel your disappointment, and it feels curious that he went from attractive to not-that-attractive in the course of a paragraph.

    Maybe he became less attractive to you since you haven’t heard from him. If that’s the case, then I love that for you! I only want to be attracted to men who aggressively pursue me!!!!

    I feel jealous that a photo of yours on facebook got liked by a man. I feel like the only men who “like” my photos are men I’m not attracted to and/or won’t step up.

    I think I totally understand what you mean about the “mix of surprise, happy, confused & angry (feelings cocktail).”

    I wonder if it comes as a result of our expectations.

    Jack CD recently flirted with me in a very public way, and instead of feeling gratitude for it, I felt that exact feelings cocktail. I think I felt disappointed because it felt like a direct reaction of him witnessing another guy flirting with me.

    It feels so awful when a man will only step up when he feels like he might lose you to another man.

    I’m worth more than that, dang it.

    I want someone who will step up because he sees my value. Period. Regardless of who is or isn’t flirting with me, or possibly pursuing me…

  187.  #187IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:56 am

    again, in the above comment, I feel like my focus is too much on men.

    I love focusing on MY LIFE.

    but then I feel angry when they come back around again.

    vicious cycle.

    I want to heal this…

  188.  #188IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 6:58 am

    what if, when “they” come around, I just don’t care?

    but I feel like if I just don’t care, they think I’m not interested.

    It’s really hard for me to flirt when I feel angry or apathedic…

    I feel sooooo frustrated about this…


  189.  #189IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Need to talk myself back into positivity…

    It would feel good to start playing volleyball again…
    It would feel good to try some new recipes and have people over for little dinner parties and games…

    It would feel to have coffee with a guy…


    It would feel good to sign up for a 5k…hmm…I’ve never done that…and for charity? that would feel so amazing!!!


    thanks for letting me spam, y’all…

  190.  #190Heart on March 20, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Hi Iam – thanks for the feedback..It feels comforting to get a response.

    I’m glad your reading & growing…the workbook sounds like fun…:)
    I don’t know what else to tell you about men…just keep bringing the focus back to you…and you’ll upgrade?

  191.  #191Heart on March 20, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Ps – I feel Relieved I didn’t lean forward & write him…now when I read the letter I was intending to send…I cringe…I was definitely operating from a place of Fear.

  192.  #192IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:11 am

    My mom was talking to me recently, telling me that if you don’t “let a man know you’re interested” that they’ll give up and move on.

    I feel like I know this from experience, and it makes me feel devastatingly sad, because I feel like I didn’t show a man I really loved how I felt enough, and I KNEW he loved me…just not enough to NOT marry another woman…and I still have this nagging voice when I’m feeling really worn down and vulnerable…”if you had only spoke your feelings…”

    The type of man I fall in love with is SO RARE and PRECIOUS.

    I look at my parent’s marriage.

    They married so young. (21)
    The only time I’ve ever seen them where they looked truly in love with each other was in their wedding photos.
    It makes me feel soooo sad I can hardly take it sometimes.
    They had all these unspoken expectations and beliefs that they didn’t communicate to each other…
    My mom didn’t respect my dad, and my dad didn’t love and adore my mother.

    It still breaks my heart.
    They are still working on their marriage…
    It’s gotten better, but it’s still so much work…

    I’m a lot like my Mom. and she honestly IS difficult to love. She struggles with loving herself, even.

    I feel like things would be so much better for her, and I feel like it would be so much easier to love her if she DID love herself.

    I feel scared of being with a really good, but somewhat passive man.

    I don’t want to feel like “the one in charge” of the marriage.

    that’s what it felt like with my mom…
    my Dad is SUCH a good man, but he wasn’t “the one in charge.”

    I want, so badly, to be loved and adored by a man who IS “the one in charge.”

    I feel so scared…

    I wonder if a man who will be “the one in charge” could ever love someone like me…

    I feel really teary…

  193.  #193IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I have a strong, feisty personality. I don’t feel regretful about this. I LOVE that about myself.

    I love playing with men, and being a little competitive with them. I love ALPHA MALES, because they play right back, and still make me feel LIKE A GIRL.

    I feel scared that all the Alpha Males are gone…

    or that I’m not “girl enough” for them…

    but I swear, I turn into “pure girl” around true Alpha Males and it feels sooooooooooooooooooooo amazingly good and sexy.

    but then I feel like these stupid girls who “know what they’re doing more” come and steal the Alpha Males away from me…

    that feels sooooooooooo awful….

  194.  #194IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I want to heal this!
    I want to love myself more!

  195.  #195IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:21 am

    there I go again…thinking about men…

    do you know what I love about myself?

    I love my strength.
    I love my emotional sensitivity and intelligence.
    I love my intelligence, my wit, my curiousity…

    I love that I’m FINALLY standing up for myself when I don’t feel good with a man and how he’s treating me, regardless if he’s single, a friend, a man with a girlfriend, a married man, anything like that . It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

    I want SO BADLY to stop feeling angry at men.

    It will happen.

    I won’t settle for anything less.

    I want SO BADLY to be so in love with myself that NO MAN COULD EVER have such a HUGE negative effect on me emotionally…

  196.  #196IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:24 am

    “I want SO BADLY to be so in love with myself that NO MAN COULD EVER have such a HUGE negative effect on me emotionally…”

    and so, that is my goal…

    I want to love myself so much that I can’t even FEEL rejection from an alpha male who some “whore” (forgive me) comes and steals away from me…


    I feel extremely embarrassed.
    and proud.

    dang it, so dang proud…

  197.  #197IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I feel embarrassed. I got put into moderation. I think it’s because I may or may not have used the word “wh0re.” I feel really embarrassed, but I was writing from a place of rage.

    and it felt really, really good to get it out…

  198.  #198IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:28 am

    “I want SO BADLY to be so in love with myself that NO MAN COULD EVER have such a HUGE negative effect on me emotionally…”

    and so, that is my goal…

    I want to love myself so much that I can’t even FEEL rejection from an alpha male who some “wh0re” (forgive me) comes and steals away from me…


    I feel extremely embarrassed.
    and proud.

    dang it, so dang proud…

  199.  #199IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:30 am

    I was right. Well, that’s what I get from calling a girl who is just as damaged as I am a “wh0re.”

    I feel really guilty.
    and forgiving of myself.
    and forgiving of all those lean-forwardy girls who “steal my men” too.

    I feel so much better, just having allowed myself to feel these feelings, and to share these “shameful” feelings in a public forum, even if I don’t have the guts to reveal my true identity…

    maybe someday I will…

  200.  #200IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:31 am

    They are NOT my men.
    My MAN would never allow a lean-forward-y girl or any girl, ANY WOMAN, to steal him away from me.

    He’ll love me too much for that.


  201.  #201IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I feel so good. I feel like all of that has been festering inside me for such a long time.

    I prayed about it last night, but I don’t know, there’s something extremely cathardic about letting “someone else out there” see what I’m dealing with inside…

  202.  #202IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I wrote something about feeling guilty about calling another woman who is likely JUST LIKE ME a wh0re.

    But I don’t see it…

    I feel frustrated with women who are a lot like me, but who are too scared and weak to heal themselves…

  203.  #203IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I feel a little relieved and a little ashamed and a lot curious about what just came out of me…

  204.  #204Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 7:38 am

    nme: I just wanted to say I circular dated until I got the relationship I want (we’re not married don’t ever plan to be but we have a strong commitment and consider ourselves life partners. This is what both of us want rather than a legal marriage) and I still circular date myself sometimes.

    I believe there are different levels of circular dating. At first, I was actually going on dates with lots of men. I never slept with any of them, I was sexually exclusive with J but I was doing a lot of dating. Then, I stopped actually “dating” but would have coffee with male friends, would flirt a lot and would meet men while I was out and sometimes spend lots of time talking with them, etc. I just wasn’t giving out my personal information and wasn’t accepting actual dates. Some of them I did become email friends with. I stayed open to the possibility that I might meet someone other than J who was meant to be my life partner. I was always open to talking to men and smiling and flirting, accepting offers to buy me a drink, etc and I didn’t mention that I “had a boyfriend” (because I didn’t…I wasn’t exclusive and J knew that).

    Later, when J asked me to move in and start a life with him and when I accepted that offer and we became life partners, I stopped the flirting and long talks with other men and becoming internet friends, etc. At that point, I would let men know I was “taken” or “happily in love” (in answer to the “are you married?” question) and there was no more circular dating.

    Sometimes I still cd myself with a girls day/night out and I still smile at other men and am polite, but there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that I am unavailable for anything further than a smile and a passing comment or two. Not in a standoffish kind of way just in a “I’m already in love with my best friend” kind of way.

    Hope that helps with the question of “How do you cd till you get a ring people would get engaged without ever exclusively dating someone and being committed to just them?”

    Much Love,

  205.  #205Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Linda: “Being cheap and unwilling to pay is not the same as being unable to pay.

    Any man who pays for things thinking this will/should get him sex is immature and manipulative.
    Many men pay for gifts, dinners, etc for women who will never sleep with them. It’s your degree of difficulty”

    YES, YES, YES!!!!!

    Much Love,

  206.  #206IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:40 am

    “J3sus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.” – Matthew 15:10-11

    It would feel so good if someone on hear told me that they completely understood, or that they could completely relate.

    I feel sad.
    I feel embarrassed.
    but I really don’t feel remorse.

    I feel like I really, really needed to get all of that out for many to see…

    I hope it helps in someone else’s healing too…

  207.  #207IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I feel relief.
    I feel better…
    I feel curious…

    I feel alone…

    I feel giggly now…
    that feels good…

  208.  #208Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 7:44 am

    IamHis: This was perfect for me to read. It was my marriage. It is why I was so incredibly unhappy:

    “I feel scared of being with a really good, but somewhat passive man.

    I don’t want to feel like “the one in charge” of the marriage.

    that’s what it felt like with my mom…
    my Dad is SUCH a good man, but he wasn’t “the one in charge.”

    I want, so badly, to be loved and adored by a man who IS “the one in charge.”

    Much Love,

  209.  #209IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Mercedes, thank you SOOOOOOOO much for your feedback. You have no idea how AMAZING it feels to know that my “crazy freakout” resonated with someone.

    Do you feel like J is the one in charge of your relationship?

    How does that feel?

    Would you mind sharing with me?

    It would feel good to know how it feels for you, for the sake of my own personal encouragement, but if its too private for you, or if you feel uncomfortable at all, I totally understand.

    Thanks again, Mercedes.

    Much love to you!

    You are such a comfort to me right now!!

  210.  #210IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:49 am

    I feel really teary again…it feels so good to feel understood…

  211.  #211IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 7:59 am

    @201 Mercedes – That felt really, really good to read, but I still feel curious about the dynamic of your relationship, how J “is the one in charge” and how that all panned out, etc. again, if you feel it is too private, I totally understand.

    “Much love” to you!
    (I say that because I think it’s so cute how you sign off on all your posts that way.)


  212.  #212Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Awwww…IamHis…I don’t mind sharing at all.

    J is a very, very take charge person but I wouldn’t consider him “in charge” of the relationship although he did lead it here. Now, we’re at a place where we just “are”…I don’t know how to explain that part. We just “are” together. Getting us to this point was certainly HIM taking charge.

    Now, outside of the relationship with within the things we do together he is DEFINITELY in charge. He almost always chooses where we are going and when we need to leave, which car we’re taking, etc. He asks and accepts my opinions when I have them but he’s certainly, at all times, ready to make the decision if I don’t have a preference or can’t think of anything I really want to do. He listens to me and wants me to have what I want and wants me to tell him when I want/need something but if that doesn’t happen, he’s all over the decision making piece of it.

    As far as being competitive, J and I are very, very competitive (with each other) and we love it. We have so much fun that way. We compete for top scores on games, we compete with words (logic games), we compete with who can finish a sudoku puzzle the fastest. We compete a LOT and it is so much fun for us. It doesn’t make me feel less feminine (because he’s turned on totally by a competitive woman and only a feminine woman can turn a man on so…that means I must be feminine) it makes me feel sexy. I like that and J likes that so it works for us.

    But taking charge and being in charge…yeah…that’s J. The great thing is that he also listens to me and loves when I’m the one choosing where we’re going, etc. He likes it when I get a little assertive sometimes (assertive probably isn’t the word…just when I get decisive very quickly) and I think that’s because I don’t do it all the time so he’s surprised and turned on when it happens.

    He also, as alpha as he is, loves a woman who walks with authority and decisiveness and power. He likes a woman who holds her head high and feels confident and sexy. He doesn’t like a “mouse” who he can just tell what to do and where to go. He likes me voicing my opinion but is right there to make the decision on those days when I don’t have one.

    Does that make sense? I don’t want to make it sound like J tells me what to do, because he doesn’t. What he does is take all the pressure off of me when it comes to rowing. If I want to have fun and row sometimes, he thinks that’s sexy. If I don’t, he’s got his own set of oars and is more than ready to use them. 🙂

    I hope that all sounds like what I meant to say. I don’t feel like proofreading right now. LOL

    Much Love,

  213.  #213nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 8:05 am

    @Mercedes thanks for your response. There are so many posts here I’m surprised mine was read lol. I know to each their own but I was just wo seeing if that cd till you have a ring was a thing now a days lol. Like I said I really never dated till I was 30 having gotten married so young and only recently divorced. Honestly I prefer to date one person st a time and I guess I’m glad I’m dating a guy that feels the same.

    @IamHis YOU make me feel sane lol. I love hearing your rants and feelings. It’s stuff that constantly goes through my head and I always wonder “is it just me!”

  214.  #214Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 8:15 am

    nme: I can see that and I think a LOT of men and women feel that way. Circular dating is about making sure you don’t get hung up on one man before he is ready to offer you your dream. If someone had told me years ago that cding was the way to happiness I would have laughed them off the planet.

    I started cding when J and I broke up and I did it because I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to have fun, meet people and get my mind off of him. I did not want to jump into another relationship and I figured the best way to do that was to date lots of men and let them all know I was dating lots of men. That way, there would be none of that unspoken “we’re in an exclusive relationship” thought process.

    I kept cding because I wasn’t ready to take J back when he came chasing. I didn’t know if I would EVER want him fully back. It took him several months to convince me to even start dating him again. I certainly didn’t want to fall into a trap of loving him or giving him all of me.

    I didn’t call it cding, I was just dating in my mind. I didn’t meet Rori until a few years later but when I read about what she was teaching, I resonated with it because that’s what I did and it is what brought me to a very happy and healthy relationship. With us, there was no rushing into anything and there was no doubt about it when we became exclusive because the communication was there. There was also no doubt about the level of commitment because I moved in right after that. And there was no doubt in J’s mind that there were other fish in the sea and he had to really, really step up if he wanted me in his life because the whole time he was working on himself and making the changes he needed to make, etc, I was dating other men and at any time, one of them could have touched my heart.

    It was kind of sexy though. He has confidence. He never gave up on me or on us…even when i was seeing other men. I like how I get to know that my man isn’t afraid of a little competition but at the same time gets incredibly jealous and in no way shape or form enjoyed the fact that I was dating. He hated it. He just stepped up instead of giving up. 🙂

    Much Love,

  215.  #215Willow on March 20, 2013 at 8:20 am

    I’m late to the convo but when it comes to men and money, I’ve had both well-off and poor guys. My ex was well-off and so was his family. Yet somehow our money problems were endless and him buying me something nice was unheard of. His attitude was if I wanted something, take his credit card to the mall and get it. Sigh.

    My current guy doesn’t have much money and hasn’t since the beginning of the relationship. He manned up on the first few dates and paid for our dinner and everything, but after that point I said I wanted to split it because I really did want to. He said that was fine, but he was noticeably relieved which tipped me off to him being either a tightwad or simply not having much money. I learned it was the latter. But he buys me flowers when he can and I always get nice birthday presents. Not to mention the perks that come with his job often wind up as surprises for me! I want him to take me out to dinner more, but what I really want is for him to ASK ME OUT to dinner more. I don’t mind paying. This summer should be different, and it’ll be interesting to see how the financial dynamic changes between us. He’ll have some chief debts paid off and alot more money available for the first time in our relationship. I hope he asks my advice on what to do with it, I’m a personal finance whiz and love managing money! If he doesn’t, I might give him some feeling messages about the new situation and see what happens.

  216.  #216nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 8:24 am

    hhis is what I got from man the last time in started with is “what’s going on? You seem distant”

    “This means.. You push things on me way too fast. You are used to getting what you want instantly but feelings aren’t something that are given like that. That’s it.”

    “I like you….stop acting crazy”

    “Me doing stuff for myself doesn’t mean that I’m pulling away or I don’t like you”

    Guess I should just listen to him and stop acting crazy? Lol.

  217.  #217Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 8:36 am

    nme: I think it means you should start doing stuff for yourself, going out and getting what you want, enjoying your day and not even once analyzing whether or not he’s pulling away or doesn’t like you because you’re too busy enjoying your life (with or without him) to even notice. 🙂

    So maybe that means you should START acting crazy. LOL

    J and I tell people about us: “I’m living my life and he’s invited for the ride. He feels the same way about me.” and lucky for us…we seem to be on the same ride. 😉

    Much Love,

  218.  #218Willow on March 20, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Synchronicity. This feels great.

    I got Rori’s new edition of the ebook a couple of weeks ago and started reading and working on it again.

    Then me and my guy were talking last week and a few of the things he said were straight of of Rori’s book and programs. Like how he thinks its his job to make me happy and he’s failing as a man if he’s not doing that, as an example. I wish I could remember the rest of the conversation, but I kept saying “OMG, Rori’s stuff is so true… why do I keep forgetting?!” And then I also thought, “He’s really a man that will step up to the plate for me so long as I step up for myself….” [hence the ebook]. And THEN I realized I have been one of those one foot in, one foot out type. I’m halfway committed but I’m going to run screaming into the sunset if this doesn’t work out. Commitment is hard for me. I know who I am, and who I am not. I’m a gypsy, not Susie Homemaker. I need freedom as badly as I need air and sometimes commitment feels like being tied down. And I feel trapped and want to run.

    Then I decided, at the prompting at the beginning of the e-book, I’d just commit with my whole heart. And I’d be ME, my whole ME, in doing so. Free-spirited gypsy and all, and I’d not ask his permission even in the smallest ways to do what I wanted. And then one night he said to me he loved it when I went and did my own thing and he knows how important it is to me to have my own friends and if ever I need to go out on the road for a few days, just let him know I’m going so he doesn’t worry. A note on the kitchen table, at least.

    That made me feel free. And yet so very committed!

    Last bit of synchronicity: I’m a big Reba fan and on the season finale preview for her show Malibu Country, she’s trying to date again but feels so freaked out about it and hates dating. She meets this man who isn’t at all what she thought — he’s much older than his picture — and she wants to run away screaming but her mother tells his this guy is perfect, since she doesn’t want him, there’s no pressure and she can use him to sharpen her dating skills. I thought that was so Rori. When I started dating after my ex, I purposefully accepted dates from men I had no interest in so I could hone my skills, learn to enjoy dating and get some “man therapy” too. I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed them and their attentions (uh, usually) but I really needed the opportunity to use Rori’s tools.

  219.  #219IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:10 am

    @210 Mercedes – Thank you SO MUCH! Your relationship with J sounds almost exactly the kind I want with my future potential Mr. Wonderful. Thank you!!! I am willing to wait A LONG TIME for such a relationship, if that’s what I need to do! Thank you!!! It’s really encouraging and the dynamic you two seem to have TOTALLY makes sense to me and sounds like the perfect balance of an Alpha Male and a confident Alpha Female!! I absolutely love it and it’s sooooooo encouraging to know that this actually exists!!!! yaaaay!!

  220.  #220IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:14 am

    nme008 – oh girl, glad you could resonate with me!!! as far as your “what’s going on, you seem distant” dynamic, I don’t think there’s a woman on the planet who can’t relate.

    You’re pushing things on me way too fast?

    Lol, I feel like MEN are the ones who want to push things too fast, and I’m like “WHOA SLOW DOWN I DON’T KNOW!!!”

    and THEN when I”M READY for things to SPEED UP, it’s like the last thing they seem to want to do!!!

    I suppose it’s a dance, of sorts…

  221.  #221IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:15 am

    “crazy” is such a trigger word for me. Women, and the emotions that they have, are NOT crazy. Every emotion has a reason and a purpose, even if it shows up at inappropriate times, or whatever.

    Men just don’t understand how it’s possible for a woman to feel so many intense emotions at once, and so they write us off as “crazy” and that makes me feel angry!

    I love men who try to understand…

    It’s kind of adorable…hehe…

  222.  #222Emerson on March 20, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Willow 211
    Hi willow about wanting to give money advice to your man… It may emasculate him to do that and perhaps consider the approach that he is a smart man and can figure out what to do with the money.. Although I am certain your intentions are all good…it’s hard to let go I wanting to “help” and control (at least for me it is)…
    Also I feel a masculine vibe since you are wanting to pay for dinners etc and I’m almost getting a mother -son vibe & I hope you don’t take offense to this..
    Just cuz I can relate I was this way with my toxicEx …it didn’t work ..

  223.  #223nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @mercedes: I guess I get the cd thing but not when its put like “your not getting your needs met by your man? Cd!” Why isn’t the response “work things out” it seems like a lot of people (not you as I’ve read about your relationship) think there is no true commitment wout a ring. Oh well, maybe I’m guess I’m an odd ball. Lol.

    As for doing things for me I’m on it! 😉 I just signed up for 24 boot camp classes, trying to find a pole dancing class (sounds fun and exotic! Could come in handy for a fun night w my msn lol) and I’m trying to do more friends things. I lost that in my marriage and don’t want the same I’m a new relationship.

    I guess for me its hard to ho from the beginning where IRS texts and calls every day and seeing eachother every single free second to over a week passes and I don’t see him. But what I want most is security and normalcy so I hope that’s where we are heading.

    Thanks for listening!

  224.  #224IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @214 nme008 – “Me doing stuff for myself doesn’t mean that I’m pulling away or I don’t like you”

    oh, girl. You go get busy, REALLY busy, REALLY happy, let other men flirt with you and drink it up, and then watch the tables turn when he wants to hang out with you and you’re too busy for HIM!!!


  225.  #225IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:41 am

    i’ve heard that there’s a certain personality type in one “kind” of man, and that’s a “passionate compartment” man. This type of man throws his entire being into one particular aspect of his life. This means that SOMETIMES he will throw every aspect of his being INTO YOU. Then, he will “neglect” you for a long time while he’s throwing every aspect of his being into SOMETHING ELSE. BUT, he will come back, and all the attention will be on you again…EVENTUALLY.

    We would do well to be the same kind of passionate women. Passionate about everything, and selective about when and if to give love, lest we feel taken for granted…

  226.  #226nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 9:44 am

    I must say M (that’s gonna be my guy do I can stop saying my guy every time lol) is a very sweet sensitive guy. He expresses how he feels all the time…WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER…when we are apart its a whole other story. I guess that’s when I get insecure, I shouldn’t though.

    @IamHis – I’m getting BUSY girl lol. Plus I’ve been out of work since Sept. At first I wasn’t looking cause I’m in retail management for 8 yrs now and was happy to have a holiday season wout 10 hr days that went till 2am but now I’m hoing crazy. To much time on my hands. Redoing resume and getting on the job hunt ASAP. Oops there goes the “crazy” word again. Sorry! Ha.

  227.  #227IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:44 am

    I’m really amusing myself today…

  228.  #228nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 9:45 am

    IamHis I feel like that guy your talking about is soooo M!!!!!

  229.  #229IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:47 am

    @224 nme008 – okay, I’m totally cracking up at how we’re calling each other “girl,” (I think I started it…hehe) but I feel so giggly about it!

    Crazy can be a fun word. it’s kind of “all-encompassing.”

    I love quotes around phrases so much…

  230.  #230IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrong-doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hope all things, believes all things, endures all things, love never fails.

    I read that, and I think, “LOVE IS HARD!!!!!!”

    but worth it, I think.

  231.  #231IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 9:51 am

    @226 nme008 – I’m seriously starting to wonder if it isn’t just a universal guy thing, hahaha. 🙂

  232.  #232nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 9:58 am

    @IamHis- lol I say girl a lot…and quote things haha. 226 LOVE UIS HARD!!!!!! Honestly after 11 yrs of marriage I’m looking for something a little easier….we’ll see.

  233.  #233IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 10:06 am

    nme008 – you look really young in your picture to have already gone through 11 years of marriage? How old were you when you got married, if you don’t mind me asking?

  234.  #234Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Awwwwww….thank you IamHis…..I’m smiling!!!! 🙂

    It DOES exist and I did wait a long time for it. I was over 30 years old before I found J and now I’m consistently moving on past 40 again and again…lol… and well…we keep discovering more and more about it other and it keeps growing and growing. After 8 years or so of really being together, we still learn so much from and about each other and our relationship. I only imagine it getting better.

    The new stage in our lives (opening a business together) will most likely bring up some challenges for us and we’re excited about those challenges. J says he thinks taking our relationship to a whole new level like this is a great idea for us..and I agree. Should be tons of fun!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  235.  #235Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 10:10 am

    That was in response to comment 215. I have some catching up to do…be back…. lol

  236.  #236MovingMagic on March 20, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I’m reading “The Art of Happiness”. The book frequently writes on how happiness is a habit…a choice that one must make everyday until it becomes a life style choice. I feel such peace in reading that. We have so much say in what we allow/don’t allow in our lives. It’s up to us to exercise those choices. Happiness feels so light, embracing & right to me.

  237.  #237nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I don’t mind at all. Met my ex when we were 16, engaged right out of high school and married the following summer, a month before I turned 19.

  238.  #238IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I feel confused. and embarrassed.

    you know, I really love Jack CD. Stepping up or not, he’s a good guy. as many awful things I’ve said about him, as much as I complain about him, as much as he DOES NOT step up, I love him.

    I doubt that he’s THE GUY for me.

    but it is what it is…

    and it feels good to accept “it” for whatever “it” is…

    if some other girl speaks her feelings and knows how to communicate better than I do and “steals” him from me, it’s really, really, REALLY going to hurt.

    if some other girl “inspires” him to step up, it’s going to hurt even more…

    But I HAVE to have the kind of dynamic that I’ve written about.

    I WILL NOT settle for anything else, even if I love the man deeply.

    that feels both sad and empowering…

  239.  #239IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 10:15 am

    @232 Mercedes – big smile right back atcha! 🙂

    @235 nme008 – wow, thank you. I feel admiration at your courage.

    I think we’re about the same age. I’m 28, never been married, and get this…never even had a real boyfriend. but I honestly have no regrets…

    I feel embarrassed and couragous all at once…

  240.  #240Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 10:24 am

    nme: “I guess I get the cd thing but not when its put like “your not getting your needs met by your man? Cd!” Why isn’t the response “work things out” ”

    To me, cding IS working things out. It’s exactly how J and I worked things out. I know that sounds strange, but when I took the focus off of us and put it on me (and this can be by cding yourself or other men), J immediately put the focus on HIMSELF and on making US work out. I didn’t ask him to work on anything or ask him to talk about it or ask him to fix it or whatever…I simply put the focus on what I wanted out of life and he, very quickly, decided he needed to work things out so we could be happy together before I happened to find someone else I could be happy with.

    I don’t know if that makes any sense, but for me, until I had exactly the relationship I wanted from J, cding was the answer. We had tried it with me being committed while I waited for him to be a real partner. We failed miserably at that and I had my heart shattered into a million pieces. If I had it to do over again, I would still cd. I think I’m a firm believer in it now. lol (also a firm believer in sexual exclusivity though…I never did “sleep around”).

    I totally get how it makes some people uncomfortable though and I get that it might not be for everyone. I also think that if you ARE in a committed relationship and you DO have the relationship that you want, dating other men isn’t a wise idea (still think cding yourself and doing a little flirting is a good idea even for these women).

    BUT…for those women who do not have the relationship they want and who have men who behave in ways they don’t want and who are consistently unhappy with the man they are dating and who are with a man who cannot fully commit (even if he talks about how he will commit SOMEDAY), those women…yeah….start dating other men and enjoying the company of the opposite sex and having FUN…your man will either step up or will lose you to someone who has.

    Anyway…again…just an opinion here. I totally and completely get that some men and women will never date more than one person at a time and I think that’s okay. It’s just going to make things a lot harder because those men and women are only really getting to know one person at a time and it could be months or years before they realize they haven’t really found “the one”. Harder but certainly not impossible and certainly they could be on their own journey that will end up making them very, very happy.

    Much Love,

  241.  #241Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 10:28 am

    MM: “The Art of Happiness” – I’m going to get this book!!! I believe that very same thing!!

    (although I don’t always apply it and I allow myself to get all cranky sometimes)

    I think it would be a GREAT reminder for me!!! Thank you!

    Much Love,

  242.  #242IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 10:32 am

    @238 Mercedes

    “It’s just going to make things a lot harder because those men and women are only really getting to know one person at a time and it could be months or years before they realize they haven’t really found “the one””

    Oh, Mercedes!!! PREACH IT!!!!

  243.  #243IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 10:33 am

    @234 Moving Magic – Yes, yes, yes!!! and more YES!!

  244.  #244nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 10:36 am

    @Mercedes- I do get the concept and agree with it to an extent. I have actually considered talking to M about us dating but also seeing other people. This would of course mean no more sex cause I only do that in an exclusive relationship and he knows that. My friends ate encouraging me no t s than saying I won’t be happy with that and neither will he….I don’t know.

    @IamHis- Close enough in age lol, I’m 31.

  245.  #245Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 10:48 am

    IamHis: LOL! You’re cracking me up!! 🙂

    mne: I don’t understand…what are your friends encouraging you to do?

    Also…I get what you mean about the sex. I wasn’t in an exclusive relationship but I wasn’t having sex with multiple men either. I was without sex for a long time but then when J and I got close again, I was with him and only him when it came to sex. Other men were dates. fun. not so fun. funny. strange. all that. Everything the internet could possibly throw at me. lol

    Much Love,

  246.  #246nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Feeling the need to say out loud and share what i LIKE about M and our relationship:

    I like the laughter (so important to me and he always has me cracking up)

    I like the easieness when we are together

    I like lounging all day and watching our shows

    I like how we both enjoy wines and cheeses

    I like that we both love summer

    I like how special he makes me feel when I’m with him

    I like how committed he is to the things he does (work, softball, pool league)

    I like how even though his family is not “whole” and fights a lot he loves them

    I like how he is with my 3 yo (the only one of my children he’s met)

    I like his eyes

    I like kissing him

    I love everything we do sexually 😉

    I like that he reads

    I like that he shares his emotions with me

  247.  #247Violette on March 20, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Emerson 140, I love it!

  248.  #248MovingMagic on March 20, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Mercedes/anyone interested the book is by the Dalai Lama. It feels amazing to read what I already intuitively know. As a reminder I got a text from a cd I walked away from (literally & figuratively)about a month ago. I’m choosing to not play into his personal “stuff”. No judgment, just choices…& that my dear ladies makes me feel incredibly happy. 🙂

  249.  #249Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Iamhis – 226 – Love is not hard. Love is easy. It’s the work on self which can be difficult, often is.


  250.  #250Indigo on March 20, 2013 at 11:31 am


    I loved what you had to say about circular dating.

    I think circular dating is a tool to bring you closer to yourself and to help you not get hung up on one man, and I think there are so many levels and variations of intensity within that you can adjust it as needed.

    For one woman, literally having the attention of a hundred men may be just what she needs, for another it may be going and having coffee by herself and just smiling at men who pass her by.

    For me the concept of circular dating is about reminding me to love myself and put myself first, and focus on my own life, and yes date, as needed or desired, not about forcing myself to go on dates when I don’t feel like it.

    Or at least, this has how it has played out for me. Circular dating should be fun, and easy. For me, I even consider gently pulling my mind off of the guy and refocusing it on where I am and how I feel and going and doing something more enjoyable as circular dating. And yes Mercedes, I agree, this is absolutely “working” on a relationship in the best possible way! It’s giving the relationship a bit of breathing room, and it’s reminding yourself and the guy that it’s not all about him. And it has a very positive effect on your personal happiness, I find 🙂

    But yeah, I see circular dating as a tool that you can adjust as needed to help you be stronger, happier and love yourself more, rather than an end in itself.

  251.  #251Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Heart, great update!

  252.  #252Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 11:41 am

    I am taking the challenge and every time I start thinking about the white elephant or feeling like a looser I bring the focus back to myself and what I want and dont want in life. I hope it will work eventually;)

  253.  #253Indigo on March 20, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    I had such an amazing day on Sunday.

    I spent it with D, we spent 12 hours just *together*. We haven’t done that in ages. We made lunch together, we played games together, we hopped in the jacuzzi and had cocktails together, watched movies together, we made dinner together. We snuggled and kissed and lay together and were close to one another. We were just together and in sync.

    It was just a lazy Sunday and it was totally perfect.

    I came out of it feeling totally whole and content and expectation-free, and it occurred to me that you can learn just as much in the good times as in the hard times.

  254.  #254nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Mercedes- Sorry, just saw now that you asked me a question. My friend knows how much I care about M and how upset I’ve been lately w the distance that he seems to be putting up. She says I wouldn’t be happy with other people and he wouldn’t ve w me dating other men. She usually us spot on but in all honesty I’m not sure she is right here….even if she is wrong and I do start to cd M along w other men….I don’t know how to have that conversation w M. And honestly would be scared to …. What if he agrees and it crushes me. I probably only want this to shock him and have him say no and he only wants me….. 🙁 very confused here. Advice?

  255.  #255Femininewoman on March 20, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Welcome back Dominique. Hope you are feeling much better

  256.  #256Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Wow Indigo, that sounds magical;)

  257.  #257nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    I guess she is saying I won’t be satisfied with casually dating M. I told her i don’t feel like he is giving me the time and attention I want right now so if he wants to just date and not be exclusive we can do that and this way I won’t be waiting around to hear from and see him and hurt when I don’t. But even typing this I feel like why can’t I just gill my life w more then just him? I really don’t know…I really am confused. Am I wanting to much to quick? He is 34, never married, no kids. I’m 31 but married for 11 years with 3 kids. He is used to not Gabi.g to communicate what he foes to anyone and I’m used to always knowing where and what my ex was doing cause that’s how our marriage was. It’s a hard middle to meet in. Sorry just thinking out loud….this board is a better sounding board then my friends, I feel like they probably wanna tell me to shut up lol.

  258.  #258Smile on March 20, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    I truly believe the reason a man sticks is because he can make you happy 🙂

    I’m happy anyway and he is making me happier. This is a genuine happiness and my vibe matches. Feeling so wonderful.

    We were lay snuggled together. I started to move to and he said stay right where you are I’m the most comfortable I’ve been in years. We stayed like that the rest of the night
    asleep in each others arms. I felt a warm glow wash through me in contentment 

  259.  #259Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    MM: Thank you! I am going to get it very, very soon!

    Indigo: 246 – YES!!!!

    nme: “She says I wouldn’t be happy with other people and he wouldn’t ve w me dating other men. She usually us spot on but in all honesty I’m not sure she is right here….even if she is wrong and I do start to cd M along w other men….I don’t know how to have that conversation w M. And honestly would be scared to …. What if he agrees and it crushes me. I probably only want this to shock him and have him say no and he only wants me….. ”

    From my perspective, this wouldn’t “work”. J was not happy at all when I was dating other men and I had to deal with that. It wasn’t too hard because I was so angry with him but he didn’t like it, that’s for sure. BUT…I was truly using it as a way to get on with my life. I had no intention of shocking him and I didn’t want him to change my mind. I was READY to move on and HE chased me down. For you, there may be other ways to change your situation besides dating other men. If dating him casually isn’t something you are ready for then you certainly could feel absolutely miserable…until you found the man who wanted you to be his queen (whether that be him or someone else). Maybe there are other ways. Staying open and loving when he comes to you (no leaning forward or initiating or “talking about things” or anything like that…simply being open and loving when he comes to you) and taking really, really good care of yourself with food and feeling like you look great and doing fun things by yourself and for yourself all come to mind. Sometimes, especially when having already committed, dating others may not be the right answer. I just know for me, walking away and going off in search of anything and everything that made me happy inspired J to be a part of that. BUT…I was more than willing to let him go in pursuit of my own happiness.

    My heart goes out to you…

    Much Love,

  260.  #260Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Smile: “I truly believe the reason a man sticks is because he can make you happy

    I’m happy anyway and he is making me happier. This is a genuine happiness and my vibe matches. Feeling so wonderful.”

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 BEAUTIFUL!!!!

    Much Love,

  261.  #261Smile on March 20, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Aw thanks mercedes 🙂 x

  262.  #262Smile on March 20, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I noticed when I was dating LOTS of guys that the ones who didn’t stick were the ones that didn’t make me melt and glow. A few I even felt repulsed by. One guy who was a great guy said for a content and happy confident person I don’t seem as happy as he would like in hiscompany. This was true he just didn’t make me melt and he could sense it.

    Amb commented the thing he likes most about me is my reactions to his touch and his kiss. He loves pleasing me.

    These are small cute ways like he had a photo of him printed for me and bought me my fave choc bar 🙂 he always like to pay and sometimes I do as financially he’s taken a few blows lately.

  263.  #263nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. Your right, making myself feel and look good is what I’m gonna focus on. I don’t want to date others or him to. I kinda think I just need to work on me…inside as well. He definetly needs to step up some but I also need to be ok w just being. I hate down time, drives me nuts. Like if he is home and I am home I can’t understand why he wants to just stay home and relax alone….I’d rather be together. He likes alone time sometimes. Idk…lol. but thank you!

    Now someone please tell me how to change my picture…its 6 yrs old and 35 lbs heavier then I am lol. Hate it.

  264.  #264Smile on March 20, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    nme go to gravatar I believe 🙂

  265.  #265Smile on March 20, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Nme, I wonder if this resonates with your situation?

    When I left ex of 10 years who I’d been with since age 14, he was the ONLY relationship I knew. I struggled in my next one when it was fresh as I had expectations that we should be fully a committed couple already, like doing family stuff, knowing where each other was all the time and generally being completely in each others lives. I struggled to go to being at the start of a relationship because of all my expectations as to what I thought it should be like.

  266.  #266IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    @134 nme008 – I feel soooooooo bad that I somehow missed this post. After reading this, I just want to give you the biggest hug!!!!


  267.  #267IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    something that makes me feel angry: I feel like this has happened with SO MANY GUYS and it makes me want to rip their heads off.

    a guy will be in a relationship with a girl that is on the rocks.

    while it is on the rocks, he comes to me, and just kind of “plays” with me. tests the waters with me, whatever you wan to call it.

    and it INFURIATES me.


    wonder why that’s so triggering for me…

  268.  #268Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    nme: I think you struggle with alone time because you went from being a child and living at home to being married and living with another man and then divorced and dating someone new. I can see why being alone would seem boring and uncomfortable…it’s not something you’ve ever really had time to experience. It’s also not something you “need” or “want” because you’ve come this far without it.

    (those were my projections on your situation. Feel free to slap my hand and tell me that’s not it at all and I won’t be offended)

    I believe that once a person becomes fully and completely comfortable with their own selves for company, it becomes much, much easier for another person to fully love their company as well.

    I also believe that it is wayyyyyy too much pressure on a man to feel like he is totally and completely responsible for a woman’s happiness and that pressure is exhausting which can cause him to need some space.

    I also believe that the day most of us met the man we are currently interested in, we were very happy that day and it had nothing at all to do with him.

    I believe men are attracted to women who are completely happy and confident and loving of themselves – even when they can’t be around.

    And I believe that men who are attracted to us because we’re that way need MUCH less alone time as the weeks, months and years go by.

    And I believe THAT makes US even happier. 🙂

    Much Love,

  269.  #269Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    PS: I’m in a situation now where J has to take time away from me and I have to take time away from him because we both travel sometimes for work. We used to be fine with that. Now we both hate it because BOTH of us would rather be together. BUT…we also know neither of us is completely responsible for the other person’s happiness. We want to be together because we know that even though we miss each other, we are both happy and we WANT to be in each other’s presence during that time because…

    who wouldn’t want to be with me when I’m happy??? LOL!

    Much Love,

  270.  #270IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    also unattractive: men who act like they are afraid of me and my emotions in ANY way…EVEN if they feel “responsible” for those emotions.

    Of course they are not “responsible” for them, but it’s such a turn off when I’m feeling intense things and a man can’t “handle it.”

    If a man can’t handle my intense feelings, can he even handle his own or the intense feelings of other men and women out in the world?

    How the *%$# is a man supposed to protect me from intense people, when I myself am intense and he’s afraid of me?

    Not cool. Not cool at all.

    I feel scared that there are no truly brave men left…

    whooo. triggered again…

  271.  #271IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    I’m going to make a point to talk NON-STOP about a guy’s girlfriend and their rocky relationship if something like that ever happens again.

    I don’t think it will though, for some reason.

    I feel like I’m too strong and smart for that now.

    I hope.

  272.  #272Smile on March 20, 2013 at 1:45 pm


    With your old name I read it as Lama butterfly now with your name change I realise the L was an I lol! And it was actually I am a butterfly, I feel so silly, I get it now yey!!!

  273.  #273Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    IamHis: There are brave men out there although sometimes it takes them some time with our emotions before they can become comfortable with them. Especially if they have experience with women who can’t handle their own emotions. I think most men learn to handle them really well when they know we can handle it too. When they know that our emotions are not going to bring fights or drama or unrest into their lives, they can be very comfortable (although quite probably on guard at first). But if our emotions are a constant flow and always serve to upset them (ie we don’t express our emotions of happiness and gratitude and love near as often as we do our “negative” emotions) then they can certainly shy away from that.

    But yeah…there are men in the world who can handle tears and fear and anger with a whole lot of grace. For me, I use calm feeling messages to communicate those emotions. I don’t shout or fight or bring any drama. I cry if needed. In general, our conversations are calm though. J feels safe with my emotions…even if he is the “cause” of them (which no longer even happens in a negative way because we’ve come so far in our communication). In the past though…I was known to come unglued. That didn’t go over so well as far as his reaction… I’m better now.

    Much Love,

  274.  #274Smile on March 20, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    I’m using a word tool picture at the minute to increase the poetry in my words, so instead of saying saying looked I might use gazed instead. It feels elating to use this descriptive language 🙂

  275.  #275Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Mercedes, I don’t know what to say. In my white elephant experience I got no credit for handling my emotions and not imposing any drama on him, at the same time being affectionate and loving. Different men want different things I guess.

  276.  #276IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    I have this dream: of a fun, funny, spiritual, affectionate, growth-producing relationship with an alpha male.

    Of raising emotionally healthy and happy sons and daughters together.

    That’s it.

    That’s my dream.

    so simple, and yet feels almost too wonderful to imagine…

  277.  #277IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    @271 Mercedes – Thank you soooo much for this. Extremely helpful and felt calming.

  278.  #278IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    @270 Smile – awww, soooo many ladies on here have thought the same thing! It’s totally cool. 🙂

  279.  #279Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Memulo: I think it takes time. Sometimes a lot of time depending on his experiences. It’s not so much about getting credit for it as it is being consistent for as long as he needs that so he can feel safe. Some men take longer than others to feel safe. Maybe some men never will…I don’t know…was just speaking from my own experiences.

    Much Love,

  280.  #280Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    My cd taught me a lesson that I can be cherished for my good qualities and respected for being independent but sweet. I shall remember that.

  281.  #281IamHis on March 20, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    @274 – I feel chills, because I realize that I can have that kind of relationship with G0D Himself. and have spiritual children…


  282.  #282Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Mercedes I don’t know who needs what;) I only care that I behave according to ehat feels comfortable and right to me. I am not doing anything to impress, I couldn’t, only expressing who I am.

  283.  #283Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Iamhis take attention as a compliment. Don’t think that it translates onto an immediate relationship. Play with them, make THEM wonder;)

  284.  #284Indigo on March 20, 2013 at 2:02 pm


    It’s not an easy journey to learn how to be happy even if the man is not around, but it’s so worth it.

    I also believe that whilst we are taking this journey, it’s ok to communicate. Learning to communicate our feelings to a man is part of the journey too, and sometimes that can also be part of the solution when you are feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, it’s in how you do it.

    I don’t think you were acting crazy for sensing a distance with your man, for what it’s worth. If it were me I would probably have used a combination of saying how the distance made me feel, and planning some fun stuff to do for myself.

  285.  #285nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    @261 smile,

    Yes very much so. It’s extremely hard to know how to start at the beginning. I want him to just come out to pizza w me and my 3 kids lol…that’s a lot! Btw kinda a joke, I won’t parade men through my kids lives. I have a time restriction for the met the kids. But you get my drift. I wanna jump two feet in and be there already. And for any guy a girl w 3 kids can be scary. Immediate family kinda thing. Mu kids have a great dad but they are still a part of the me package.

  286.  #286nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    @262 IamHis: no worries…I feel the love lol! Thanks for the hug though! Thought it odd you asked my back story after I already told it haha.

  287.  #287Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Femininewoman – 251 – Thank you so much. I’m getting there, far more slowly than I prefer, yet it is what it is. 🙂


  288.  #288Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Mercedes – 264 – “I believe men are attracted to women who are completely happy and confident and loving of themselves.”

    Maybe. Yet it some cases, maybe many, it’s more subtle and goes deeper than this. It’s often an attraction for which there may not be a personalty trait to name or a part of yourself needed to develop though any and all of what you cite are wonderful and useful part to cultivate within.

    If you remember I had none of this when K and I got together, two weeks out of my very long tern, awful marriage, and I was quite the mess, beaten down, insecure, scared, and so on.

    Yet there was something there in me, something K was deeply drawn to. And the rest is herstory or mystory. 🙂


  289.  #289nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 2:22 pm


    No slapping hands called for your right on point. Funny that I do know these things about myself but it feels like such an a-ha moment when someone else points it out to me lol.

    I definitely have put pressure on him…not on purpose but I have. It was cause I jist didn’t know how to be and we were in the beginning fresh part where we wanted to do everything together….now I think he got scared and I don’t really want him in my kids lives yet anyway. Kinda can’t take stuff back though. Ugg lol.

    And alone time sucks lol. I think to much when I’m alone. I should get better at it though.

  290.  #290nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 2:26 pm


    Yes it us a hard journey and I’m just starting it. Hopefully I’ll get better w time. I feel like I either over communicate or shut down. I’m so black and white so when I feel something I just tell him and he then feels pressured do I stop telling him. Not good….how would you have communicated the distanced feelings if you were me? Sometimes I feel like if I use the “feeling messages” I sound do so robotic and not real. Idk…

  291.  #291Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    nme008 – Feeling messages are first and foremost for you, to help you figure out what it is YOU feel, and then you transmit this to another if appropriate, if you feel moved to.

    If you feel distance, tell him you miss him, you miss feeling close to him.


  292.  #292Smile on March 20, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Sometimes I fear that melting and showing pleasure could translate as he’s ‘got me’. Which he has as long as he continues to make me happy and feel amazing. I’m in that ‘uncommitted’ stage as cc describes. I have been able to talk about a few things which have played on my mind and he has instantly put me at ease.

  293.  #293Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Dominique: I think he saw this in you before you did… ““I believe men are attracted to women who are completely happy and confident and loving of themselves.” 😉

    nme: Meditation, although really, really hard at first for some of us (including me) helps to settle the mind. I also “think too much” but the more I practice and learn to meditate, the better I have become at just being…in the moment…being. (but it hasn’t been easy and still isn’t always so).

    Much Love,

  294.  #294Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Smile: I was here for a long time: “Sometimes I fear that melting and showing pleasure could translate as he’s ‘got me’. Which he has as long as he continues to make me happy and feel amazing.” Hated (or feared) that thought of “he’s got me”…it’s a very vulnerable place to be. But…well…it is what it is…I’m ‘got’. 🙂

    Much Love,

  295.  #295Mercedes on March 20, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    nme: This is so textbook exactly what happens most of the time: “I definitely have put pressure on him…not on purpose but I have. It was cause I jist didn’t know how to be and we were in the beginning fresh part where we wanted to do everything together….”

    It made me smile so much. I’ve been there. I think lots of women have. “Everything was great and then he pulled away and got distant.” I think it’s more along the lines of “everything exactly the way we want it for the rest of our lives and then he realized he wasn’t quite ready for the rest of our lives and took a little ‘me time'”. 🙂 It’s all so normal and good. A really strong focus on YOU will do wonders here…I believe that with everything in me.

    Much Love,

  296.  #296Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Mercedes – 289 – No, for it wasn’t there. He saw something though, that intangible something where men just know before their heads get in the way, and they want to wait and see what unfolds.


  297.  #297nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    @ Dominique: That makes more sense to me…I tried a few times to do them with M through text and I hated seeing “i feel” in every message lol. I was like can’t I just say something normal!

  298.  #298Elsie on March 20, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Another bit of a big day for me!!!!!

    So, he didnt come over last night, and I really thought we had plans for him to…..I didnt text or lean in.

    But today he popped right over and I asked for his help with my car later this week, etc. and he said sure he could help me.

    And then I said – I was wondering if you could HELP ME with something else……I thought you were coming over last night and I must have misunderstood, or there was a miscommunication. I said, yes on Monday, we had that conversation…..

    I was so nervous to say it – but I did.

    And he started nodding his head and then he was like I’m SO SORRY. You are so right. You are not crazy. That conversation did happen, but I meant it just tentatively, but I could totally see how you would think that it would be set in stone.

    Ohh…sooooo good.

    Then, I said, well, ok, I work really much better if I know whats going on ahead of time. I think I’ve been really flexible with your crazy unpredictable schedule, and have offered tons of leaway with no upsetness (this is true – in over a year we have never had a “fight” over anything…)

    And I said – but I work much better if I know whats going on – so maybe you can help me with that.

    And then I SHUT UP.

    And he offered……Ok – what about if I can text you by 6pm to let you know if I can come out in a bit, and then I can text you when I leave so you know I”m coming, and then if anything changes I can lt you know.

    OMG. Seriously? That is the best answer ever.

    So I just laughed (none of this was serious deep conversation tone – it was more of….hey, I’m confused can you kinda help me out – tone.) LOL

    So – I said yes, that would be awesome. I would totally appreciate that.

    So then he said – well, what are you doing tonight? And I smiled….so he said ok – I’ll text you later. It was awesome.

    So I talked with him a bit later, and he was more awesome – and wow. It was another good day.

    But it was a GOOD day because I MADE it a good day.

    I could have yelled, screamed, cried, fought, grasped, clinched, felt unworthy, felt ungrateful, felt REJECTED. But even thought I felt some of those things, I approached it calmly and with my heart in the right place.

    Now, I will tell you all – Im nervous. I hope he does come out this evening. I hope he does text.

    The negative voices are starting to creep in.

    Well, in a few hours I’ll either know or I wont.

    But wow, for some reason those negative voices are telling me – no way is he coming, no way is he texting, no way you are good enough for him to come over, he is going to reject you, he is sick of having to even give effort to you.

    Stupid negative voices, and after such an awesome few days too…..why dont they go away? Ugh. 🙂

  299.  #299nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    . Mercedes:

    I’m working on the focusing on me part lol. I’ve done such a great job at not being alone I don’t know how it will go to be honest. I’ve only had 2 relationships in the last two years but when I want in them I was definetly dating a lot. More to keep busy then cause there was anyone interesting out there. You know what’s funny…you said men are drawn to women who are happy and having s good time. Guess how M and I met? There is a local bar that me and s few girlfriends would go to on wednesday night’s, it was just something gun for us to get out and do. Well the end if Oct my divorce was finalized do a bunch of my girlfriends said we needed to have a divorce party (i know horrible right!) Well we were st this bar and I was having such a great night. I had a great new red lipstick I bought on and felt HOT!!! Well M plays on the Wednesday night pool league talked to me, we flirted and he was telling me I was beautiful and nick named ne freckles. So cute. So I left and the next week on wed when I was there he was there again, he stayed late to see me (we would go st 10 pm) and then we were inseparable. So I was having a great time and being me when I met him.

  300.  #300nme008 on March 20, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    @ Elsie:
    I need to learn to communicate like you lol.

  301.  #301Elsie on March 20, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    @nme – Thanks but I’m not nearly there yet. Its hard work for me to realize……that… dont need to act out on every emotion the very second you have it!!!! You can just wait – and process or sink into it for a day or two. My friend calls it the 24 hour rule. If you are mad, wait at least 24 hours and see if you are still mad or upset at him LOL

    Anyway – between Rori Raye, Christian Carter, and the Tao of Dating and Dominique – I have a huge different take on what I want, what I need, and HOW TO COMMUNICATE that.

    I think I did really good today, but wow, before I had that conversation, I think I had it over and over in my head about 50 times….LOL.

    But of course, now the negative voices are back with a vengance trying to protect me from getting hurt – telling me he wont call, he wont text, and he wont come over…..sigh……I just wish I coudl fast forward to tonight and see him and KNOW for a fact he is coming…..

  302.  #302Elsie on March 20, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    @Dominique – I’m so glad you are better. I told my guy about you – and about your story about how if you just stop being angry about what doesnt show up for you and just see what love looks like that he is willing to give, it might even be better. He liked your take on things. 🙂 I told him about how even though he didnt get me anything for our anniversary, I didnt get upset, and I looked at what he DID give me, which was holding my hand by the elevators, and the way he looked at me, and wow, that was enough for me.

    So I guess he approves of your theories!!!! Me too!!!!

    And I’m glad you are back, and better!!!

  303.  #303Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    nme008 – 293 – There is a distinct difference between thoughts and feelings, and they often get confused when learning about using feeling messages.

    And even when you are expressing true feeling, using I feel is not necessarily essential each and every time. You can also use, I love….I would love….

    And sometimes if in person, a facial expression or physically melting in his presence is all the expression of feeling needed. Actions do speak louder after all.


  304.  #304Willow on March 20, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    218 Emerson

    I paid because the feeling of independence made me feel good. It was my choice. Isn’t this about making choices we feel good about? It is for me. It wasn’t about control. And now, since we’re together in an exclusive, committed, live-in relationship for 3 years, I pay because I’m the one with all the disposable income and I don’t want to just combine finances so that it can “seem” like he’s paying when really, it’s still me. I like staying financially separate. I’m sure he can handle his finances, but I know alot more about banking and money than he does, too. I didn’t say I was going to give him advice, I said I’d offer some feeling messages about the issue and let him do with them what he wants.

    I don’t know about your mother and son vibe. I don’t get that with us AT ALL. My ex was a little boy that just wanted a replacement mommy, and I KNOW what that feels like.

    I am in fact naturally more masculine than your average woman, so you’re probably not wrong on picking that up from me. I won’t ever be a girly girl even though I know what it feels to be womanly and feminine and be in “girl energy.” I spent today digging in the dirt and I’ll spend the weekend running my Jeep over giant rocks going up old wagon trails. It’s who I am and I love it.

  305.  #305Dominique on March 20, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Elsie – 294 – Awesome, yay you!!!


  306.  #306Senior Lady Vibe on March 20, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Happy Anniversary…

    and first day of Spring!


  307.  #307Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Oh Elsie, it’s NOT what you said or how you said it;) It’s who he is and what he wants with you.

  308.  #308Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    I came home and found 44 messages from match

  309.  #309Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    What happened to Dominique? Was she not feeling well?

  310.  #310Liquid Light on March 20, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    wow, Memulo, 44 messages!!! I’m lucky if I get 4 per week! You go, girl! 🙂

  311.  #311LoveAlways on March 20, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    Wow Memulo!!!! Way cool Siren!!!

  312.  #312LoveAlways on March 20, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    It feels good to be in springtime

  313.  #313Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    LL, perhaps it’s because I am new;)

  314.  #314Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Elsie, to elaborate on my post to you, I’ve been in a similar situation and addressed it in the same way as you did, and the guy said SO SORRY, I felt sick or SO SORRY I fell asleep and it turned out later he stood me up to go on a date with the next woman. So words really mean nothing;)

  315.  #315Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I replied to 2 guys. Shall we say I am selective;)

  316.  #316Linda on March 20, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Reply to everybody! Just for fun & adventure!

  317.  #317Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Linda, I can’t reply to 44 people? I don’t have the time;) and I am not interested in them.

  318.  #318Linda on March 20, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    You can copy and paste the same feeling message to each. Of course you don’t have to, just because I got all excited for you!

    I always remember my Mom telling me that during the war, she would write the same letter to every soldier she knew. My Dad turned out to be one of them.

  319.  #319Rori Raye on March 20, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Syrena – What you just learned is that you’re awesome! You know what you’re doing here. Stick to what feels right to YOU. Look into yourself and see if he’s just talking about sex, or if he’s talking about you keeping some emotional distance, which we don’t want you to do. Love, Rori

  320.  #320Rori Raye on March 20, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    IamHis – you sound amazing to me. Please don’t call yourself damaged. We are ALL Works In Progress – the trick is to love the journey, and love everyone else’s journey, too – because (I believe this anyway) – we all fit together exactly the way we’re supposed to. Love, Rori

  321.  #321Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Linda, thank you;) The truth is that I don’t use feeling messages that often, normally not in the first email. I don’t say ‘feels nice to hear from you’. Sorry! I want to live too, not just to answer emails from guys I will never go out with. Sure, I reply to the ones that I’d like to know better.

  322.  #322Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    I am saying in my profile that I have a grown up son. Should I though?

  323.  #323Memulo on March 20, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Will I ever forget dumbcd for a new guy? He really got under my skin;) Half a year later I still hear his voice and see his face.

  324.  #324Indigo on March 20, 2013 at 11:28 pm


    It’s normal for it to feel a little messy when you first start doing it, it’s like you’re taking your first steps and then if you fall you feel like you shouldn’t even have tried. Be gentle with yourself and persevere.

    Dominique is right, you could just tell him you miss him and you miss feeling close to him.

    If it were me, I would say “I’m feeling a distance, is there something I should know? Is everything ok? I really miss you and I miss spending time together.”

  325.  #325Emerson on March 20, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    304 willow that’s great if you are comfortable in a masculine role in your relationship … To each their own.
    I myself am very girly but I also grew up driving tractors and shooting guns and farm life so I have a very tomboy side to myself as well and I love it too.. I just would rather be the feminine one in the relationship.
    Like you said, all about choices.
    I’m curious what Rori, Dominique and Mercedes have to say about women in a masculine role with money, etc and how it relates to a mans attraction to a woman…??

  326.  #326Syrena on March 21, 2013 at 2:55 am

    TY Rori.

    Not kept any emotional distance until now he has said he can’t see me anymore. As I didn’t want to try and convince him to keep seeing me. I said ok rather than expressing how I felt about him deciding not to see me anymore. It felt easy being emotionally open with him whilst chatting and having coffee and by doing so he revealed a lot also.
    What he appeared to now want as he is short of money, which I understand is to get me to his house which he has been trying since day one to watch films with him as he loves watching films and our tastes are very similar. Also I like to discuss on a deep and intellectual level about films and the director. Also to have sex as he kept telling me he wanted me, to make love to me. I have to actually be in love before I want o make love. I am not in love after 5 short dates. And go dutch when we go out as even buying me a drink is now considered too expensive, if he has to pay all the time. However the coffee dates felt better for getting to know each other. He was very eager for me to be his girlfriend and sleep with him, without actually even knowing who I really am, just because in his words he said any man would want me as a girlfriend due to my looks.

    I wanted a few more dates with the chats in public places, walking bike rides etc. Just to get to know him better. I wanted to keep him at a physical distance rather than an emotional one until I knew him on a more emotional deeper level. We kissed, not fireworks the first time, but felt better each time. I don’t feel good about rushing into more physical stuff until I know the real man better on a deeper emotional level. I did keep him at arms length physically. It felt god to know I was wanted and desired, have my hair stroked be kissed. I didn’t want to take it any further than that. Until I knew more about him as a person, so I didn’t get attached and bonded to someone I wasn’t sure was right for me. It felt so easy to be in his company, he was kind and sweet in many ways, revealed that he avoided conflict however and complained to friends about people he had problems with. This was a bit of a red flag to me. As I prefer it all out in the open. I feel pleased that he did not just disappear without saying why. Wouldn’t have minded keeping him as a friend then would feel happy to go dutch. He hasn’t offered that though and would I just be wasting my time then as I wouldn’t have as much time for cding with men who wanted to date me.

    I feel pleased I didn’t get physical, bonded and attached.
    Is there a time when it is ok to go into their space and home as that is an easier and better option for me than them coming into my home?
    I feel a bit confused about this not going to their house.
    For me it was because he revealed his inner self more when just walking and chatting or having coffee and chatting.

  327.  #327Syrena on March 21, 2013 at 3:01 am

    Feeling a little uncomfortable and nervous about when we next see each other at group social events we both go to. I feel like distancing myself for a while until I don’t feel uncomfortable about it anymore.

  328.  #328Veronica on March 21, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Tereana – Thank you for welcoming me. Describing the pain and anxiety being normal makes it seem more okay (as in acceptable). Thanks for the shift.

    I feel angry I feel abandoned I feel that I wasn’t enough I feel neglected I feel sad I feel too much that it’s difficult to focus. I’m keeping too busy that I feel tired/drained of energy. I feel frustrated. I want there to be more of me, I want to feel like there’s more of me. I feel loss. I feel heaviness in my ribcage, I feel pressure in my throat. I want to turn into myself and cry. I don’t want to meet people because I feel so unstable. The emotions feel so strong. My compassionate self is kind of watching as I feel. Not really breathing properly, more like sighing the air out. My throat still feels stuck. I am here – I’m more present now as opposed to the rest of the day stuck in the past. It’s quite still now. My throat is not as stuck now but there’s a small ball of tenseness there – it feels like seething anger and not wanting anything to change. Now that I notice it it’s not so tense. But I wanted to let that seething hissing pain out – maybe another time. Now there’s just blankness and I’m hungry. My body’s crouched like I’ve given up or I’ve lost – like it’s in service of a clenching gut. I feel more restful/blank now. My throat still feels like dull pain lining the inside of it.

  329.  #329Veronica on March 21, 2013 at 4:48 am

    Maybe the previous post should have been separated into two posts #abrupttransition

  330.  #330Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 4:54 am

    17 new match emails overnight. But there was one who I wrote to and I really wanted him to respond, and he didn’t;)

  331.  #331Dominique on March 21, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Emerson – 325 – In most cases in the situation you cite, the masculine/feminine energy balance will be disturbed in some not good feeling ways to either the man or the woman unless the woman is the more masculine energy in the partnership.

    If a couple has been together for awhile, and let’s say something happens, eg. he loses his job, and she has to pick up the slack, it can work out, yet I have found even here, being the money controlling force in the relationship will NOT feel good to her long term.

    And he will feel some sense of emasculation.

    She will do what she has to do, but she will feel much better when the dynamic has been restored. And so will he.


  332.  #332Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Maybe I need help. I feel so stuck in those unhappy momens half a year ago. I feel terrible about the disappearing act. I feel terrible for allowing it to happen. I feel terrible about suddenly being not good enough, lied to and trashed. Even a month later or 2 months I have not heard a human word from him. While I was with my cd maybe I got distracted and didn’t feel so miserable? But now I’m back to square one.

  333.  #333nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 6:39 am

    @ Elsie, 301:

    That’s a great rule to follow, 24 hrs. I should attempt that. And I know all to well about the NV….shut it up! Lol, err I mean DON’T LISTEN TO IT. Ha. How did last night go? Did he come out?

    My NV was at me all day yesterday but I dud well will not listenig to it and had a great night….but its right back at it this morning. Uggl lol.

  334.  #334nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Dominique & Indigo: Thank you for you encouragement and advice around using feeling messages….I’m going to continue to feel my way around with them. Using them on myself to see what I’m feeling and then using them (or a play on them) with M. 🙂 I actually did lady night a bit and I’ll share…read the filling post…

  335.  #335CurvySiren10 on March 21, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Memulo, maybe you do need some help. Lamenting is something we as humans tend to do, but it’s absolutely pointless. We can’t change what happened. It’s HISTORY. In the books!

    All we CAN do is learn from those experiences, and then move forward. No time machines. No do-overs. We CAN’T change the past. It’s frozen. It happened. The inability to move forward and away from it, with lessons learned tucked neatly away, quite frankly, is worrisome.

  336.  #336nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 7:47 am

    @Indigo, Dominique, Else, Mercedes and anyone else….I need help! Last night was a great night. I saw M while out with a few of my girl friends, it was nice. He kissed me and asked me to text him when I got home. Only he texted me first saying he was sorry he had to leave and I looked really cute. I told him thank you and I hadnt realized how much I missed him till I saw him and he said he missed me too. I told him I liked hearing that and then asked about tomorrow night (tonight) cause we had tenative plans. He has something going on with friends for march madness friday and works saturday night so we won’t see each other over the weekend. I said we don’t have to go out lets just hang, what do you think? And he said we can do that and we’d talk today (thursday). Well I woke up today sooo happy … BUT just got a text from him saying “Firgured I’d let you know now. I’m probably not going to be able to hang tonight. I just have to much crap going on Friday” I’m sooooo upset and disapointed. I’m a little mad too. Why did he say yes last night then? I mean what changed from 11:30pm last night to 10am today? How do I respond!!!! I saw him briefly last night but besides that its been 2 weeks on friday since we’ve seen eachother. We have NEVER gone that long.

  337.  #337nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 7:58 am

    I really do want him to have a good time tomorrow with his friends, I know he gets together for this once a year and it’s with his friends that are all spread out now since high school but I really did want to see him tonight. I feel really hurt and am trying not to cry cause I feel stupid for doing that. This isn’t something to cry over, but I’m so mad, sad, hurt, frustrated, dissapointed, let down. PISSED!!! I want to let him know I both want him to have fun tomorrow and how I feel about tonight.

  338.  #338Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Maybe I want to do a do-over so badly because I don’t feel that I was myself completely. All this leaning back and ‘respecting’ his very special relationship timeframe. Hate it.

  339.  #339Indigo on March 21, 2013 at 8:31 am


    How do you feel?

    If you guys are truly casual, then it may be possible for you to feel ok about this.

    However, if you are looking for something solid and long-lasting with this man, I don’t feel this is a good sign and I would definitely be expressing my feelings in feeling messages, without blaming him but making it clear that this does not feel good and just how it makes you feel, and see what he does. He may step up or he may not.

    Rori does talk about not pretending to be ok with behaviour which doesn’t feel good, and this is part of communication. Yet you want to express that carefully so that it has a chance of bringing you closer together.

  340.  #340nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:11 am

    It’s definetly not casual. I feel hurt, unwanted, unimportant, sad, mad…not a priority. All of that. I’m not good with feeling messages that are nice. A friend said to just text “ok, no problem” but I don’t want to say that cause its not ok to me and it us a problem. How do I express this.

  341.  #341Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Nme you don’t have to respond at all. Make your own plans, be happy:)

  342.  #342Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Make him wonder

  343.  #343nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Memulo: lol, I like the way you think. Very tempting.

  344.  #344Dominique on March 21, 2013 at 10:59 am

    nme008 – You feel disappointed, and it’s perfectly okay to say this. This expresses how you feel without making him wrong.

    The hurt, mad, etc. is YOUR stuff, stuff which he triggered in you yet don’t really have to do with him at all. Did this happen to you in the past? Where you felt neglected, pushed aside, rejected and/or abandoned even?

    Now this event is making you feel unworthy, less than, not good enough which yes is an awful feeling.

    Is this something M does often as in it’s a pattern with him? If yes, then this may not be the right man for you.

    If it’s an anomaly, can you let it go for now? Tell you feel disappointed, yet let the rest go?


  345.  #345nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 11:05 am


    M hasn’t really done this cancelling thing before. But lately there has been a lot of distance in our relationship and just a plain lack of any thing together. I don’t feel like a priority but when I brought it up a few weeks ago he said I was thinking to much and that he likes me and just cause he does things for himself doesn’t mean he is pulling away. He also says I push to much so since then I really haven’t said much of what I’m feeling to him.

  346.  #346Linda G on March 21, 2013 at 11:27 am


    I hope you don’t mind my “eavesdropping” here.

    I agree with Dominique, about saying you feel disappointed and letting it go.

    If you can do this, my guess is he will be back, when it is his idea.

  347.  #347nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    I dont mind at all. I am very greatfull for any and all feedback, so thank you for offering yours. I feel better after bouncing my feelings around on here for awhile. I ended up texting him back and saying that I really want him to have fun with his friends but I can’t help feeling dissapointed that we wont have any time together. So we will see what happens. I dont expect to hear back till later tonight if at all…but at the same time I’m staying away from my phone for awhile lol.

  348.  #348Luzydel on March 21, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I feel scared reading this article; My son have never met any of the men I’ve dated; I do not introduce CD’s to my son unless they are committed to me. I made that clear to myself and I would feel weird to bring men to my house that will not stay; I feel that at least I should give my son some stability.

    But what if one man decides to step up and commit? How can I bring that up with my son? will he hate me?
    My son has expressed a few times that I should “date” etc. he has said he does not like when I stay alone in the weekends… so maybe it wont be a big issue if it ever happens?

    It just feels scary…

  349.  #349Liquid Light on March 21, 2013 at 9:04 pm


    Probably not what you want to hear but it doesn’t seem like he is making much of an effort. The question for you is why are you putting so much time and energy into someone like that? He doesn’t deserve it, and you don’t either. Perhaps you should try to put your time and energy into someone/somethings that do deserve it?

    And probably the underlying question is how come you don’t feel like you deserve someone who puts their time and energy into you?

  350.  #350Tereana on March 21, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Memulo – Thank you! (165)

    And thank you, GlowStix!

    It was kind of a rhetorical question – no, I don’t believe the two should be “opposed” necessarily (commitment and self-care). The tricky thing for me is committing to self-care first. This is REALLY hard. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. But it is, obviously.

    I was shaking when I had the conversation with the guy.

    And I wasn’t “projecting” anything onto him. He was letting me know how he felt. Not angrily, but clearly. He was not pleased. I didn’t make anything up. I guess it was just hard for me to make a decision that I knew was best for me, and that I ALSO knew was NOT BEST for the other person – AND that they were unhappy with it, and with me. He hit a soft spot for me: commitment. That IS important to me. But I’m trying to let go of getting caught up in what HE thinks of me.

    Honestly, I had a strong-feeling moment of deep guilt, but that passed. Especially when I noticed what it was – just guilt.

    And then the good part happened. The last couple of days, I have been really HAPPY with my life. Even though the details of my life are not perfect, I’ve been feeling great about ME. And I believe that at least some part of that is directly related to me choosing to do something that was best FOR ME, against the wishes of another person. It feels powerful to think about. And I didn’t really feel all that powerful doing it. But I think it did allow me to connect with my inner power in a new and different way.

    I hope this gets easier!!!!!!

  351.  #351nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Liquid Light,

    Hi, first I never want anything sugar coated so even if it’s not what I want to hear I am always open to it lol. So thank your for putting your thoughts out there.

    To answer your question, I know I deserve to have a man treat me like a queen. Every woman does. M has that in him, he has before. And he doesn’t treat me bad at all, I just want MORE attention and I guess I feel very needy. I’m trying to work out a balance and not take out my frustrations on him if they aren’t his fault. I know I need to take the pressure of HIM making me happy all the time to actually making myself happy too. Am I making any sense lol.

  352.  #352Nicki on March 22, 2013 at 8:46 am

    You can offer a counter to see where his head is when it comes to you. Since he will hang with the guys on Friday and work Saturday evening, why not hang (lunch, brunch, etc) Saturday afternoon to early evening. There is always Sunday as well.

    If you decide to give him a pass for this weekend, that is fine but be vigilant regarding future weekends to see if a pattern is developing.

    It is okay to make these suggestions but at some point, you will have to realize IF you are the only one trying to find alternative days and times to make it happen.

    Yes, you deserve a man to treat you as a Queen as long as you are ready to treat a man as a King.

  353.  #353Liquid Light on March 22, 2013 at 8:49 am


    Your situation sounds classic. You were centered and happy initially (first few months), now you are needy and putting pressure on him and the relationship, and he’s backing off.

  354.  #354Liquid Light on March 22, 2013 at 8:57 am


    I can relate. I’ve been seeing someone a few times who is both cheap and aggressive physically. Not to the point that I don’t feel safe but he is definitely pushing for the physical thing. (We’ve only kissed a few times though he would’ve wanted more than that.)

    But his being cheap really bugs me. And then I’m thinking so you want me to give you what you want (physical intimacy) but he won’t give me what I want (taking me out and spending money on me). Btw, I’m not asking for fancy dinners but I do want to be treated, esp initially.

    So I can relate to you when you said that you were okay being friends if you are going dutch. Thanks for saying that because you articulated what I’ve been feeling but didn’t know it! 🙂

  355.  #355nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 8:59 am

    YES! Why does this happen? I was perfectly fine and my own woman when I met him … he was great and I turned into a needy clingy woman. I hate that.

  356.  #356Liquid Light on March 22, 2013 at 9:32 am


    that’s what this whole site is about…read RR’s ebook and get some of her other programs…they are worth it and I think can help you a lot! They’ve helped me shed light on my dynamic with men! Also, in general, I’ve gotten more focused on myself and creating a life I love. It takes a lot of pressure of the men in my life. Although the last one dumped me because I wasn’t focused on him enough and was too focused on myself (and my art)….hahahahahaha!!!

  357.  #357Liquid Light on March 22, 2013 at 9:40 am

    He was the needy, clingy one in the relationship and you know what? It wasn’t attractive!!!

  358.  #358Linda on March 22, 2013 at 9:57 am

    YES! Why does this happen? I was perfectly fine and my own woman when I met him … he was great and I turned into a needy clingy woman. I hate that.

    I am guilty of the same!

  359.  #359Liz on March 23, 2013 at 5:27 am

    I need help here. Why is this so hard..:( Things were going ok, this past sunday we talked about our relationship and I talked about what I needed (I guess mistake #1) he was open and said he would fix things. One of the things is just being responsive or calling or texting when he is busy. I said I understood that he had a lot on his plate, and I would not burden him, etc. I even asked if he wanted to end things, I would prefer for him to be honest with me. He said, no, he wanted to fix things. But also that he was overwhelmed and would have to learn to say no to some of the work. Well the next day he called, quick exchange. In Tuesday, I left him a message in the afternoon. No response, on wed I did again (mistake number 1 billion) He answer my text, but there was a little bit of a snippy exchange from me. He said something like “whatever” to me, which I didn’t respond to, so as not to add more fuel to the fire. No exchanges, calls or anything for 2 days. On Friday, I sent a text apologizing for what happened earlier. He didn’t call and didn’t respond. And basically deliberately ignored me. What happened to wanting to keep things open. He is angry with me. I can feel it from some things I saw on fb and how he ignored my posts and acknowledged others. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel that what happened early in the week, that I deserve this. Yes. was our 1 year anni that we met. I am not going to call or text. he has a big weekend at work today into sunday. but I could use any support here? Ive been posting and thought I was doing the right things. focused on my life. when he got busy over the last month with these new projects, I started working on my stuff, seeing my friends, not complaining. These last two weeks were super busy for him and I went on about my business (other than what happened this week) and he seems pissed im guessing that I was out, focusing on other things.. idk..

  360.  #360Dominique on March 23, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Liz – Whatever is going on with him is out of your hands. Leave him be to sort it out. He will come around when he’s ready, and when he does, say something like this – It seemed as though something has been on your mind, and I have been feeling confused these past few days. Is there something you want to say to me/tell me?


  361.  #361Liz on March 23, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Thank you Dominque. that’s what I needed to hear. do u think I did complete damage by those two texts? I feel like I did…; ( but I ll leave him be for now. No calls, no texts.. do u feel he will contact me again? I am very out of sorts here.. but I wont call…

  362.  #362nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 12:59 pm


    I am NOT trying to give advice since I find myself in your situation with M a lot lately….just wondering how long you two have been together? You Saud you year of meeting just passed, is that how long you have been together?

  363.  #363Dominique on March 23, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Liz, sweetheart, I think you’ve worked with me enough to know that two texts do not a relationship ruin. And if they did, I would ask you to consider what kind of person would write you off for something so minor.

    Breathe my dear, breathe.


  364.  #364Willow on March 23, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    325 Emerson

    Umm, that’s the part you aren’t getting, Emerson. I’m NOT in a masculine role in my relationship. I just have my own finances and make my own financial choices, as does he. I don’t want combined finances. Probably not ever. He takes care of his bills and I take care of mine and as for shared household bills, we’ve designed who pays which one. It works.

    I really feel judged here, and presumed upon. And that makes me feel angry. I did not ask anyone for their advice on this. I am not fixing what isn’t broken because a stranger over the internet made a hasty judgment about my relationship. End of discussion.

  365.  #365Liz on March 23, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    NMe we have been together for a year. but we have known each other for about 3 years. and Dominique, I lOL at ure response. Thank you. You made me smile. ; ))

    This relationship has been quite a learning experience. I think we both have learned a lot about ourselves. I just want to be healthy here, and I have been in a high state of anxiety for a while here because of external issues.

  366.  #366Betzi on March 24, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    I am really interested in the ebook ‘Have the Relationship you Want’ and wish to make the 19.95 payment. However, i WOULD NOT want to be charged for the Interviews Program and when I am about to put the info on my Credit Card, I cannot find the ópt out ‘box as you say: ***If you prefer to NOT receive this $20 free bonus, simply make sure the “opt-in” box is unchecked during the order process… and just get the eBook all by itself. It’s that easy.

  367.  #367Rori Raye on March 24, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    Betsy – as you check out – just make sure the box is unchecked. (I believe it’s already checked automatically, because the first Interviews are free – ) so just uncheck it. Love, Rori

  368.  #368Jessie1000 on March 27, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Hi girls!!
    OMG THIS POST IS ABOUT ME!! My son says the same awful stuff…that his life would have been perfect if I didnt have my little son….its so hurtful. I felt so bad when he said that and my little son knows it too. My older son(15) will be so mean to his little brother and it makes me cry–except when I go out…SO I go out and leave them together for like a half an hour a day and I come back and they love each other!!! ITs so wierd. I use feeling messages with my big son and when I first started to use them…I realized how painful it was to talk about my emotions and let them out…Only time will tell if my big son gets closer to me but hes been very good now we are back in scotia…away from ontario and close to his daddy…family first! Thats what matters

  369.  #369Liz on March 28, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I have an update. We talked today. I received a text from him yesterday. He went on to tell me that he couldn’t talk to me these last few days because he was angry with me for adding more pressure on him. That he thought he had explained to me what he has been going through for the past several months. And that he had told me this was temporary..our current situation.. and as soon as he gained ground on these dreams and work opportunities.. this would be back to normal. He said, I was going to call u anyway…. but I needed time. He said, he didn’t understand my behavior .. and I went on to explain to him.. that I needed some attention too. And that while I understood where he was coming from, that I still needed his support and that I could give him support as well. I tried to get off the phone after 1.5 hours and he asked me to stay on longer… its funny, I think because before I posted here a few days ago, and I sent that text, that he could see (hear) my feelings. and he was more gentle than in the past. So, we ended the phone call with plans for the weekend. But I also said.. I needed to take a few steps back in order to take care of myself… that I had expecting too much from him during this time.. he said, u were doing a lot, working late, going out and all that, and that he thought I was creating distance because I didn’t care… anyway.. any feedback or comments are welcome…

  370.  #370Elizabeth on March 29, 2013 at 5:41 am

    The other thing I want to mention and this is more just venting I guess, is that just a few weeks ago, things were great between us. The situation was the same but the difference was that I was busy and secure within myself, so I didnt stress over it. But somehow, I got off track and started focusing on him rather than on myself, and it was like a spiral down into the depths of panic, worry and despair. Which I then acted out on him. This is something that I will need to work on for myself. I even told him last night that I need to focus a bit on myself and that I had relied too much on him when things had changed in his life. Again, while I was at first cringing that I felt so vulnerable and had made myself vulnerable by revealing so much of myself, during our talk last night he was extremely open himself, he was not angry like he had been in the past. I believe that by opening myself up as I had in my messages to him earlier in the week, he felt “safe” to be open to me and there was no reason to act out of anger like he had in the past. I am guessing this. We have a long way to go. But I am committed to myself to be healthier, to own my power, to be vulnerable and open. I really have no other choice at this point in my life.. and saying this alone makes me feel powerful.