The Truth Is Sexy

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If you’ve ever felt torn in two directions with a man, and you’re struggling with following your heart or your own Boundary “Rules” – here’s a letter from Hannah we can work with:

“Hi Rori, I am reading the ebook and doing the writing exercises. I already feel better. I decided that clenching my fists and attempting to hold on to “him” really makes me feel powerLESS. Today, I practiced holding myself “open” with hands, heart, pelvis—I even attempted to flirt and be open to all men. And, I have to say, that for the most part, I really enjoyed the experiment. I was smiling to myself all day. It was indeed an eye opener–I never realized how really closed off I must appear in the world.

Great info!! As you remember, my boyfriend lives in Santa Barbara, and I live in Los Angeles. As we discussed, I am going down this weekend because I had already committed. Now–as for the future weekends, you and I discussed saying things like: “Oh, I am so disappointed…I hadn’t heard from you and I already made plans with my girlfriends, etc.” BUT, BUT, BUT—what do I do/say in the event that he asks me this weekend, or really early on in the week about the following weekend?

What if he says, “Are you coming down next weekend?” Should I just have some activities booked far enough in advance to give myself the excuse to be able to say I have other plans? The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…but, I don’t tell him that do I? Should I be noncommittal and say something like…’I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’? Thanks, Rori!! Hannah”

Here was my original answer to Hannah –

“Brava! You’re doing fantastic. Here’s your answer, in your own words… ‘The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…’

You tell him the truth. ‘I don’t feel very comfortable coming to you all the time. It feels like I’m chasing you, and it doesn’t feel good.’

This is the TRUTH. And, you’re being open and vulnerable.

Absolutely NO making things up, no games, no strategy. The truth, in feeling messages. NOT THIS: ‘Should I be noncommittal and say something like…I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’ Love, Rori”

Here’s the deal on all this for all of us – this is all about basically telling the TRUTH to a man.

We have only 2 scenarios, here: One – we know the Truth, exactly how we feel and what we want, but we’re afraid to communicate that, so we’re desperately trying to find “a way in” to the conversation.

We’re trying to find a “way” to say the Truth – or – we’re trying to find a way to say some of the truth – which most often turns into choosing an old pathway we’ve used over and over again that never has worked – the not-truth.

And Two – we DON’T know the Truth.  We actually don’t know what we want.  We’re pulled in two -sometimes many – directions.

Like Hannah, we want to go and we want to not go.  Sometimes I even have difficulty deciding if I want to go to a movie, or if I want to stay home and veg on the couch or play cards.

When I’m under the weather, I want to do things, but I want to stay in bed. I can actually feel the war going on inside me from my different impulses. I want to write, I want to clean the kitchen, I want to eat, I want to smile at my daughter and listen to her, and I want to curl up with my husband – all at the same time.

I have to CHOOSE. But still – and this is important – all these impulses are the TRUTH.

And saying the Truth to anyone would be to say – “I’m feeling confused.  I want to do ten things all at once.  I haven’t settled down enough to choose one, or put them in some sort of order of “liking to do.”

And so, my path is simple – I must settle down into myself, really imagine all my options, and FEEL which one feels best at this very moment.  I must PRACTICE CHOOSING from many truths.  I must practice listening to my deepest self, my intuition, my gut level feelings.  AND – I must make this process FUN by using my favorite Tools for this situation.

I know – and if you settle down into yourself and imagine – you know too, many, many times when you had many things you wanted to do and not do, where ONE THING just jumped out at you, and you KNEW what it was you wanted to do.

Only, you may have second-guessed yourself, or tried to talk yourself out of it, or made an intellectual, rational argument for another choice, or went with what someone ELSE wanted and decided it was what YOU wanted to do, too.

And still – no matter WHAT you choose – some of that would be the TRUTH.  “I wanted to go to see that movie now because I knew YOU wanted to see that movie now, and it felt good to make you happy.”  That’s the Truth. “I really want to see that movie now” is NOT the Truth. (There may be a movie you feel okay about seeing “sometime” – but that doesn’t make it the thing you want to do right NOW.)

See where we’re going here?

So – start with the Truth.  Get into yourself, listen to all your conflicting voices, and FEEL what it is that’s the truth for you at this moment.  Practicing this will make EVERYTHING so much EASIER for you…and will get you AMAZING results with a man.

When you have the challenge of speaking to a man about something you’re torn about, or that’s emotionally loaded, or you have to make a decision, like Hannah – don’t worry about the outcome.  The outcome isn’t under your control.  Just focus your energy on FEELING what it is that’s the TRUTH for YOU about this.

Even if there are MANY Truths – just write them all down. Then feel your way through each option, and see if you can FEEL which one is the MOST true for you at the moment, the one that most sings in your heart, where you can feel your body RELAX and breathe. (That’s often the clearest sign we can get that we’ve hit on the truth for us for the moment – we FEEL released inside.)

And practice, moment by moment, saying the Truth, DOING what feels Truthful, and letting the outcome work out by itself. I can promise you that what you choose, and how things unfold in the short term are not important – what will work for you with a man in the LONG TERM is the VIBE you create around yourself when you listen to yourself and speak the Truth.

When you do this, you open up a way of communication with a man that THRILLS him. It creates INSTANT CONNECTION – and the longer you do it, the deeper the connection becomes. So – work for the Truth, and let me know your experiences. Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on December 26, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    My power speech from the other post in feeling messages…

    I’m feeling upset. I feel mad and disappointed. I don’t want you to go out with another woman. I don’t want you to have a child with another woman. I feel so angry. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel unloved. I don’t want to be abandoned. I feel so much desire. I feel confused, and unworthy. I miss you so much. I miss your voice and your appreciation and attention. It feels so good when I hear that. I feel so much desire for you I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel so weird and disappointed not getting calls from you. I feel weird calling you first… It would feel great, It would feel awesome to get calls from you! I feel really angry that I haven’t heard anything about the money situation. I feel scared and worried about it. I feel so jealous of the girl you are dating… I feel desperate. I don’t want to lose you and I feel weak. I miss being close to you, like we were back in the day when everyone thought there was something between us, even when there wasn’t. It felt so good and I felt so special and protected. I miss that. I want that back. I want to feel close to you, desired by you. I feel gross and scared saying that, I feel scared of being rejected. I don’t feel desired by you right now and that feels sad and scary. I feel scared telling you all this. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy too. And I want us to be together, and I feel scared and gross saying that too. I feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t want to be abandoned, and I don’t want to leave you out my life. I feel a lot of comfort knowing that you’re there. What do you think?

    Ok so what do you guys think??? Is this ok? Would it repulse the man… help… I feel happy I even have this one version down… I was feeling that I would never really get to a power speech…

  2.  #2alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    hi daria. i don’t know how to write a speech but it seems to be coming along. it seems like a lot of it is directly related to him. what he’s doing what you want him to do etc. i’m not sure if that is best way to deliver a powerful speech that will allow a man to be open to hearing it. but i don’t know for sure bc i don’t know hpw to write a speech. xo i hope i’m not making things worse or confusing by responding. i feel like a busybody. i don’t want to make things worse. i feel an eagerness to help!

  3.  #3alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    i really liked this post about how we often have several truths for any given moment. the truth is i like you and like spending time with you. the truth is i want to date other guys right now because i am looking for a man who will be really good to me on a consistent basis because he wants to. the truth is i don’t want to pressure any man into behaving a certain way. the truth is i like romance and stability and feeling safe. the truth is i feel safer and more secure in a monagamous arrangement. the truth is i am looking for a committed relationship. the truth is i feel afraid i will never find one. i feel afraid to trust. the truth is i don’t want to resent someone for not wanting the same things i do. the truth is i don’t want to see you anymore if it’s not in a commtted relationship. (how do i say this? it sounds like i just locked him into a corner and any man with any pride is going to say no to that bc it’s not their idea or their timing or their being the pursuer. but clmon it’s been a long enough time for him to know if he wants me to be his girlfriend.) the truth is i feel angry. the truth is i don’t want to feel like someone’s side dish. their casual fbuddy. i feel sad. i don’t want to put myself in situations that inspire me to feel bad about myself. i feel angry.

    ok this next stuff is riffing bc i absolutely could not say it to him. i feel intense rage and hatred. i feel you are one of the stupisdest men on the planet earth (that’s so funny that i miss typed stupid. but i can’t change it bc i am typing from my phone and might lose the entire thing if i go back.)

    i feel outraged that you think you can treat me the way you have and still think i would want to even be near you. i feel completely grossed out and disappointed in you. i feel like you are not at all the man i hoped you were. i feel you are weak and pathetic and mean spirited and i hate you.

    ok. wow. now remind me again WHY i even want this to turn around with this man? ugh. what is wrong with me? i feel compassion for myself. i feel proud that i turned himaway. i feel dignified that i always cut things off the minute it started feeling bad. even in the middle of a phone call. i feel pathetic that i am drawn to someone who treats me so disrespectfully. i feel dscouraged. i feel like sloppy seconds to the whole world. like everyone can know just be one quick glance at me that i think so poorly of myself. i feel embarrassed.

    i feel angry. i feel like hurting him back but i won’t. i feel like spitting in his face and punching him in the nose and kicking him in the balls. apparently i feel violent. i feel confused. i feel confused. i feel like i attract men who hate themselves and only like me more if i were to abuse them and i don’t want to be that person. so we pull away from each other. but i feel like i could control them is i wwas abusive to them. their loss. that’s not what i want. that’s what they want. they can go find that in someone else and then cry about how their women do them wrong.

    i feel rage.

  4.  #4alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    i feel like i attract men who are mirroring my self hatred back to me. i feel like they are just like me and will pick the women who treat them poorly. and i refuse to buy into that. i would rather be alone than be with some antagonistic man who is trying to push my buttons just so i can be angry with him. ewwwwwww. ewwwwwww. i have dated this kind of man before. ewwwwwwww. it is all coming back to me.

    eww. my losuy family used to do that. purposefully try and make me angry. bx the angry one is the one out of control. the angry one is the weaker one. the angry one can be mocked and blamed. omg. i feel so sad. i do not know how to pick a loving man or a good boss. i only know how to pick my creepy family. i am alone bc i don’t have the skills to do better for myself and yet at least being alone keeps me at a much higher level than living in that horrible dynamic where the people who are supposed to care for you are really just projecting their shame and grossness onto youand trying to instigate you purposefully maliciously into acting like an undignified parson.

    i feel sick. i feel angry. i love my rage and my inablity to choose truly loving people. i love my self loathing being mirrored back to me by the universe. i love that i feel like abig pail of vomit. i love my challenges and unhealed traumas. i love my isolatioon. i love my stringy orphan girl. she was really really smart and brave to leave her family. i can care for her now. i can teach her what i’ve learned. and i can be patient while she learns to love herself. i accept her even on the days she willingly choosses to eat trash. i love her and all aspects of myself. i am doing the best i can with what i know and my current level of awareness.

  5.  #5Daria on December 26, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    Hey Alias Girl… I am happy you wrote me… that is what I’m looking for … Thank you.

    I like this in what you wrote

    “i really liked this post about how we often have several truths for any given moment. the truth is i like you and like spending time with you. the truth is i want to date other guys right now because i am looking for a man who will be really good to me on a consistent basis because he wants to. the truth is i don’t want to pressure any man into behaving a certain way. the truth is i like romance and stability and feeling safe. the truth is i feel safer and more secure in a monagamous arrangement. the truth is i am looking for a committed relationship. the truth is i feel afraid i will never find one. i feel afraid to trust. the truth is i don’t want to resent someone for not wanting the same things i do. the truth is i don’t want to see you anymore if it’s not in a commtted relationship. (how do i say this? it sounds like i just locked him into a corner and any man with any pride is going to say no to that bc it’s not their idea or their timing or their being the pursuer. but clmon it’s been a long enough time for him to know if he wants me to be his girlfriend.) the truth is i feel angry. the truth is i don’t want to feel like someone’s side dish. their casual fbuddy. i feel sad. i don’t want to put myself in situations that inspire me to feel bad about myself. i feel angry.”

    i don’t think it sounds like you are locking him in the corner… it sounds brave and attractive. Cool.

  6.  #6Daria on December 26, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    Because you are not locking him in a corner… he can leave… you are just saying YOU don’t want to see him anymore unless he steps up… sounds SUPER high degree difficulty and real attractive

  7.  #7alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    i feel pissed off. i feel completely disgruntled that i still like that stupid man who i’ve kicked off my horse and told him no and yet we’re still circling each other. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. is this what rori meant about her husband and she said she realized this was the man she was going to marry and she was Not happy about it?

    rrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i am completely pissed off about the idea even that this man could be my future husband. WTF. some guy that triggers the hell out of me and has traits reminiscent of my passive aggressive parents. nnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. nooooooooooooooooo.

    i feel pissed off. and that kind of feels like laughing. omg. ok crazy person. blathering on about some man who has never even tried to be your boyfriend no less your husband. not to mention the fact that i am not shopping for a husband thank you very much.

    i feel scared. and frightened and a little shakey.

  8.  #8alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    thanks daria. yeah i’ve definitely managed to up my degree of difficulty for men. and they do seem to like it. only. i’d rather just find a good man and hang out with him and be best friends together and have great sex. rather than have a trail of men i am not interested in OR who can’t step up. i can hear them all trailing behind me beating their chests sending their weak grilie text msgs instead of calling and then wondering why i haven’t been won over. ah i’m just cranky and feeling pissed off. which is yes simultaneously amusing me.

    how’s the speech coming godess daria?

  9.  #9Ann on December 26, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    I LOVE this post. Thanks Rori. I interpreted this post as saying there’s often confusion in out truth because usually several things are true at once. But I need to FEEL in order to know which one is the actually truth of the moment.

    Here a simple example of what I mean:My internet service has been acting crazy tonight. At first I was feeling angry. Then I decided while it was being stupid I could start my 2nd book of the Twilight series. I enjoyed that for awhile.

    Then I tried to connect again, had to work at it for a few minutes. I could feel myself getting angry. I wanted to get here to see if there were any new post. Sure enough there was and your post spoke to me.

    Now what was my truth in all this? Well for me it was to feel each thing in the moment. It was a progression that took me where I needed to be.

    So if I feel my truth in the moments I will speak it, feel it, and live it and have a good vibe. Focus on my truth in my heart, in the moments looks and feels good to men.

  10.  #10heartbeat on December 27, 2008 at 6:53 am

    I felt a wave of recognition and relief reading this post, how my truth is not always clear and reveals itself through a process of centering and inquiry. I can see my own process here and Thank you, Rori!

  11.  #11Caj13 on December 27, 2008 at 8:19 am

    AG – For someone who “doesn’t know how to write a power speech” you sure do a fantastic job! Keep your post somewhere so you can use it as the basis of one in a real situation. Question of timing – don’t wait to say it till you’re on you w

  12.  #12Caj13 on December 27, 2008 at 8:48 am

    Oops – guess my ghost musta sent that off, in the middle…

    As I was saying: Question of timing, AG – don’t wait till you’re on your way out the door and have decided you don’t want the guy anyway to deliver your power speech ! It’s NOT telling him what to do or how to do it – it’s revealing your needs and standards. It’s ALL ABOUT the very VULNERABLE, but GODDESS-LIKE YOU. I think you use it when you feel he COULD be a keeper, things were going well and then they start to go off (he’s drifting away, starts testing you, isn’t ready to commit but likes hanging around with you in the meantime, etc.). It’s to let him know truthfully how you feel about what’s going on: that it’s not ok with you to be strung along, to wait for or on someone, that you do have a goal, what it is and that you are holding to it. It’s not about results you expect from him or even explicit consequences to him (that’s for him to figure out and act upon, in accordance with his innermost desires and in respect of yours which you so graciously, honestly and courageously exposed to him).

    Daria – that’s for you, too. Great start and turn around on your speech. I’m with JP – watch out for “prescriptions” – i.e. what you want him to do, describing the specific outcome you want from this particular relationship (keep it to what you want from a relationship that is valid in your eyes/heart). Remember too, that this is not a speech in the sense that you spew it all out at once. Once you’ve tweaked and trimmed and are satisfied, practice saying one sentence at a time, and allowing for listening to a response.

    You girls are so inspiring – I won’t even have to come up with my own speech when the time comes. Just cut and paste! xoxo

  13.  #13Reshi on December 27, 2008 at 9:35 am

    Wow, this post is right on. How many times have I looked for a “way” to express the truth without having to actually tell the truth? And how many times has that “way” only resulted in my heart getting broken and the man who did it considering himself blameless because *I* said/did something that HE decided was “mean”? I might as well have actually been mean, at least that way I’d have gotten the satisfaction. I might as well have said “This feels awful and painful and I feel so angry” when he started spending time with another girl. I didn’t want to tell the truth, take a strong stand, and make him feel the emotional consequences of his actions. Instead I made up rules. You can do this, but then you have to do this. Trading. And it wasn’t fulfilling and it hurt. The truth would have been more along the lines of “I don’t feel like being your wife anymore.” Let him have the pain.

    Argh! I feel icky putting out all this baggage and garbage. I feel like I’ve said this a hundred times on this blog. But I want it out of ME. I want my collision course to hell out of me. And yet I love the train wreck that I am. Don’t want to stare but can’t look away. I love myself even if I am the girl that guys warn their friends not to get involved with, even if I am just going to drag everyone down into the toilet with me. Even if I am the girl who lies in wait in a dirty swamp to get her claws into any pretty man who walks by, and then sucks out his blood and leaves him withered and lifeless, and grows fat on the nourishment he provides. Even if that’s who I am, I love me.

    But I want to be the girl who lives in a gorgeous little castle on a mountainside, who overflows love and light and good things into the world, and inspires an amazing man to go all the way up the mountain with her, take her as his own, and travel the entire world together. And that would feel, oddly enough, like being my great-aunt–someone I’ve always thought of as repressed. She isn’t repressed, she’s self-contained. You can see the light and love radiating from her face although she hardly says a word at our family gatherings. I don’t know how old she is, but if I were a man, it wouldn’t even matter, I would want to get close to her. That is what I want to feel like, self-contained, radiant, and absolutely sure of myself. Backbone of steel. That is what women from my country are made of–not repression and fear and submission like everyone thinks.

  14.  #14Daria on December 27, 2008 at 11:14 am

    Ok this sux…

    I don’t know what to write in my speech. I like what Reshi said.

    This feels awful and painful and I feel so angry.


    I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

    I don’t know…

    I feel hopeless…

    JP asked if I should even give a speech in this situation. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I should just continue on with the bullshit. I feel confused. I feel like hurting myself and I guess that’s why I’m writing this.

  15.  #15alias girl on December 27, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    daria you have alot of great stuff in there so far. you feel confused. you feel weird saying something. pull the gems out of what you have so far. the things that don’t point your finger directly at him. write out all your gems and then see what you’ve got and that will help you tweak it to what you really want to communicate to him.
    it’s a tough call whether or not to deliver a speech but i say write it. get it to where you like it. and Then decide whether or not to deliver it. it’s a tough call bc it sounds like you do have results in mind. even if the very least of them is that you don’t want to lose him completely from your life. but how realistic a friendship is with this man that you’re really into i don’t know. only you know. but for now he is sitting on your horse so let’s just keep moving forward with him there as rori’s recent post suggested.

  16.  #16alias girl on December 27, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    you guys are so awesome. it feels like a mastermind group where all the brains and hearts together take us higher than we could have flown alone. 🙂

    reshi i used to be vague about things too. probably most women. we’re not really taught direct communication. but now with rori’s tools we can communicate what we want to communicate in a powerful yet non confrontational manner. men don’t really communicate that directly about important stuff either. they communicate in one upmanships and fake teasing and taunting and or sometimes by ommission of truths.

    but you are so brave reshi. and you willingness and ability to be so honest withyourself about your marriage will catapult you much quicker into the life of your dreams where you are in your castle atop a mountain while your man rows and you emnate sunbeams. 🙂 and i like the description of your great aunt. and the reframing of the women of your culture.

    i feel good. day 2 on my quest to be grateful for all things all the time. !

  17.  #17Caj13 on December 27, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Hey Daria sweetie – YOU get to decide if and when. And nothing’s “All or Nothing” (it’s like baby steps – breaking things down into manageable pieces, taking them individually, and not throwing the baby out with the bath water). You did a tremendous job delving into and laying out what you want and need. AND, by comparing how you set it out with Rori’s how-to’s, you will see how some of it probably can’t be heard, at least not in its present form. And even when you do find some stuff to be too directive, after all it can be re-written to be less so .

    For example:
    “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” which could sound like an ultimatum or a tantrum, might become “I don’t feel good just being casual friends”, or as Rori said it herself somewhere “I don’t need a male friend”.

    “It would feel great, It would feel awesome to get calls from you!”
    “It would” is like telling someone what to do (‘…if only you did this, then I’d be happy’ – that’s putting all the power into their hands)
    What about: “I feel so great, it feels so awesome when I hear your voice. And when it doesn’t reach me for awhile, I start to feel disconnected (or whatever ….” ?

    On the other hand, I think this is clear and well put, without accusation:
    “I feel really angry that I haven’t heard anything about the money situation. I feel scared and worried about it.”

    There’s so much delightful energy pulsing through your speech, please don’t give up now !!

  18.  #18Daria on December 27, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Hey… thanks you guys! That helps… will try again.

  19.  #19Reshi on December 27, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    Reshi’s in a panic! I have a date in just over an hour and I’m actually feeling icky…menstrual cramps and just plain fear are currently taking over my mental state.
    I am afraid to go on this date because it’s a first date with someone I’ve talked to online for several months…I like his looks, personality and gentlemanlyness that I’ve seen so far…he’s 14 years older than me and I’m not sure how I feel about that, and he’s taking me somewhere that’s way too nice for a first date…I am not worried that he’ll try to sexually obligate me, but I’m just feeling scared because I’m getting myself into something that could lead somewhere!

    I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, no matter how scared I am. And that would feel like muscles relaxed, my face relaxed, vagina relaxed, legs crossed, and smiling. And I still feel high-strung and scared. No one in my family knows I’m going on dates already and I feel guilty about it. I feel like I should not be dating others before the divorce is legal. But I also feel like I can’t stand to be out of the game for one day longer than is necessary. I want to practice. I want to work Rori’s tools to the max so that when the divorce is legal, I’ll already be irresistible–and to the guys who inspire me.

    So yes, here I am, and this is practice…I’m afraid I might break a million hearts of a million men in the search for the one who is mine. I’m afraid I might break my own heart. I’m afraid I’m going to be bored and disapproved and end up settling, and afraid I might have to make Power Speeches and stand up for myself when things feel icky.
    And I’m going to put one foot in front of the other, nonetheless, and baby-step my way to bliss!

    Thanks for listening to yet another super-long Riff. 😉

  20.  #20alias girl on December 27, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    baby steps to bliss! yae! reshi! you are awesome! and not to mention fanulous!

  21.  #21alias girl on December 27, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    i mean FABULOUS!!!!

  22.  #22Reshi on December 27, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    God, I love you all. 😀 It’s so amazing to be able to come here and swim in all this juicy Goddessy energy from all these lovely women.

    The date tonight went well, after the initial awkwardness, which was VERY awkward. And by the end of the night, I really felt good in this man’s company. Problem is, I’m not attracted to him at all. 🙁 He showed up looking about 50 lbs heavier than in his photo and if I’m shallow for not being attracted to him because of that, then so be it. I know I’m a little overweight myself so I can’t expect to date a male model, but can you at least be my equal in how you take care of yourself?

    I know Rori says you can learn to be attracted to a man over time, so perhaps I’ll give him a few more chances. But I don’t think I could kiss him. 🙁 And it’s not just the weight, there’s something else subtle and undefinable about him that repels me on a physical level.

    Ah well. First date after the separation, and if the worst thing I can say about him is that I’m not attracted to him, then it’s not so bad. He seems to be a good enough person that I’d want him as a friend, not that I know how to be friends with men.

    A funny thing too: at the restaurant they had big screen TVs with bellydancers on them and this dude was like glued to the screen for a while. It was like he wasn’t even in the room with me. Then he said something about the videos must have been selected by men, and apologized to me. I said “yeah, it feels unpleasant.” Later when the sexy male flamenco dancers came out, I turned that back on him 😉 Strangely, the whole thing didn’t really bother me (probably because I wasn’t attracted to him or hoping for anything).

  23.  #23alias girl on December 27, 2008 at 11:44 pm

    yae! successful first date for reshi! that’s so great he took you to a nice place!

    tv is a hypnotic device and then add belly dancers to the hypnotic device and forget it!

    my thing with online men is if i was somewhat possibly interested in them i would straight out ask them if the pictures he had posted were RECENT AND ACCURATE representation of themselves. you’ll get guys that psot their young and skinny pix. women too but i’m not dating women. but if you ask them straight out they’d have to flat out lie to you to get away with using old pix. they’re kind of already lying but i like to be really clear. how are you not going to notice fifty extra pounds or twenty extra years on someone when you meet them? anyway i never had any luck with online dating but i know alot of people who have and even some got married.

    so i took myself out today. the good news is i had a superfun time. like if it had been a date with a boy i’d have kissed him all over his face bc i had that good of a time. and i took myself out to a pizza place. (i almost cheaped out on this and went home but i turned back around and had a good meal. 🙂 )

    the not great part is i met zero men. hard to believe too bc i felt so great and was trying to stay present in my body and also since i’m in supergratitude mode my vibe must be ok.

    but it didn’t really seem like many singles guys were really around. i got a few smiles but

    oh well. i wish i had a boyfriend. we’d have sooo much fun together. i think maybe this year i’m going to find a boyfriend.

  24.  #24alias girl on December 28, 2008 at 2:17 am

    i feel scared. like someone pushed me off a cliff scared. i feel young. baby alias girl. i feel vulnerable. i feel crazy to have these feelings triggered by nothing. i feel lucky i am safe in my cozy apt. i feel lucky. i feel a crinkled forhead and tears on my cheeks. i feel confused. where is my myman? i feel laughter bc one minute i was all sad and next minute i felt indignant that my man has not shown up yet. what is his problem? why is he taking so long to get here? he thinks we just have all the time in the world? numnuts.

    hah hah i feel bizarre.

  25.  #25alias girl on December 28, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    i feel scared. when i actually stay present in my body what i notice is this strong undercurrent of fear like a continual eletrical shock running through my body and it makes me want to get back into my mind and stay there. argh. i feel angry. i love my anger and my free floating fear and anxiety that is pretty much RULING my life. when i wake up in the morning i often do not feel rested. if i remember my dreams they are always these crisis and dramas where i am running around trying to manage the crisis or drama.

    ugh. i feel embarrassed writing on this website. i love my embarrassment that leads to self hatred. i feel embarassed to be authentically known. ugh. i only want some perfect version of myself that is not really me at all to be known. what’s so wrong with the real me? i feel sad about that. i feel sad that i am embarrassed about myself. i feel shame. 🙁 bleh. i feel repulsed by myself. ick. i love my embarassed self repulsion. i love my confusion. i love my exhausting dreams and unrestful sleep. i love the electrical current running through my body that keeps me breathing shallow and paralyzed.

    i love that i am looking backward to the men i kicked off my horse even though they have not shown themselves to be good partners but since there is no one new yet i am trying to slot the oldies into my open position for life partner.

    i love that i have all these feelings in my cloudy soup. the rage the anger the fear the shame the embarassment to compassion the hopefulness the sadness the regret the delusional wishful thinking(i guess that one’s not really a feeling)

    i feel hatred. for who or what? i have no idea.

    day 3 of feeling grateful all the time for everything. apparently this cloudy soup is for my highest benefit and is the univers’s way of showing me love. thank you for this cloudy soup so thick it might as well be a solid substance. thank you for giving me such a rich range of emotions and stirring them all up into confusion and self loathing. thank you.

    i feel useless and embarrassed. i feel shame and embarraassment admitting my true feelings. i feel like a shlump. i love my shlumpiness. hunchback, one- eyed, no manners, ogre like shlump. awww. i feel compassion for my shlump. i’l love you. bc i know you will be rejected probably by the majority of people. my shlumpand my orphan girl get along though. they understand each other.

  26.  #26Erika on December 28, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    Always the truth and no games. Which requires letting go of the outcome.

    I just told a man that I can’t read the messages he sent me because of a wall of fear that sometimes comes up for me after I deeply connect with a man, and that I feel totally paralyzed.

    And you know what, I still can’t read the messages, but I feel liberated from the intense fear that I was feeling.

    In the past, I tried to push past the fear and read messages anyway, but I’m not going to do that anymore. It didn’t feel good, and it didn’t result in good outcomes. I’m just going to follow my feelings.

  27.  #27Daria on December 28, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Ok I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t need to power speech this man. I just need to give him about 100 feet. Or a mile.
    The only thing that confuses me a little bit is that people are advising me a la Rori’s rules that I should tell him “I don’t have room in my life for a man friend right now.” Well that’s not true at all. I definitely do have room in my life for a man friend. I have tons of guy friends and this guy knows it. He’s been my friend for 6 years and was my friend before I even had feelings for him. So even though he’s not acting totally like a close friend would (ie not calling me) I have other friends like that that I have no issue with (not calling much).

    I would almost surely see him around when I hang out with my other friends. He probably wouldn’t even notice I am not being friends with him, except for me ignoring him which I’ve done before. All our mutual friends assume he and I are cool and close. And he does protect me sometimes and is there sometimes (this would fit in the intermittent rewards). So the confusion is on my part. I do want to be his friend, except my attraction to him keeps having me like him everytime I decide to be only friends.

    I’ve dated other guys and flirted with them in front of him and that didn’t seem to bother him enough to step forward. One of his best friends and I gradually got closer as friends (this guy was calling me to hang out as his best friend and female friend, I didn’t push it just to get to him) and he would tell me that in private the guy I like would make funny remarks and seem jealous.

    It just seems taht were I to say I don’t want to be friends it wouldn’t change anything about either of our behaviours.

    I feel confused grr. I almost feel like I could be his friend if we were close and I felt I could talk to him about guys or stuff I’m going through but I think he would brush me off and not really give me advice. Then again some other of my guy friends would do the same, while some wouldn’t.

    I feel annoyed that this is so confusing to me. It sounds like a whole lot of drama for some reason. Sorry people to sink you into this drama sounding thing.

    So what is my truth? My truth is that I like him. My truth is that I Do feel like his friend too. My truth is that I want to be closer. My truth is that I want to marry him. My truth is that I feel rejected. My truth is that for some reason I want to know WHY he rejected me in the past (hmm because I was overfunctioning and throwing myself at him?). My truth is that I can’t seem to be able to deal with the idea of a man not wanting to be with me. I am used to men, even bad ones, telling me how much they want me all the time. My truth is that I believe that I CAN get this guy with the right vibe. My truth is that I get in a weird vibe around him because I’m used to it and because I feel scared of rejection from the past. My truth is that I have a hard time flirting with him now, although I’m getting better. My truth is that part of me feels bad about flaunting my dates and flirtations in front of him. My truth is that I feel kind of smug about that. I do this thing where I seduce his friends (not sleep with them) and they like me. My truth is that everyone likes me and would want to be with me. My truth is that he is resisting me. My truth is that I am always back to thinking about him. My truth is that I have sunk myself in quicksand for 5 years. My truth is that he doesn’t want me. My truth is that I don’t know how to move on when I will be seeing him. My truth is that he PURPOSELY makes me jealous. My truth is I feel like if I could just get one thing right everything would fall into place. My truth is that sounds like overfunctioning. My truth is I say I hate him then I say I love him. My truth is he told me I’m a good woman but not for him. My truth is he told me he loves me to death. My truth is I am a doormat for him sometimes. My truth is I behave inconsisently out of my female and male energy with him. My truth is that I either want to be loved by him or I want to be his friend and be bored with him romantically. I want both. Is that what’s holding me back?

    Erika posted earlier about seeing relationships go from platonic to romantic and back again all the time. Hmm…

  28.  #28Maria on December 28, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    Hi Daria. Here is what l think. l think this man cares very much about you and you miss the energy that you had with him, l also think that he has full respect for you. And else l think that he would be happy to offer you a friendship. But maybe friendship only. Your truth speech sounded very authentic to me, and my advice would be not to limitize yourself with cutting him off.
    l think whats holding you back is that you are somewhat afraid that he would tell you that freindship is all he can offer? But dont take my words for it, lm just quessing.

  29.  #29Daria on December 28, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    Wow Maria Thank you. You are right on. I have been bashing him over and over in my head and he does really care very much about me. Hmm. Perhaps I am worried that friendshi is all that he is offering, all that he has been offering. Yes I am worried.

    He has also sometimes offered me sex. Lol. Sex and friendship, or friendship only. A lot of respect in a way and in anther way not.

    What do I do? I want more than friendship I guess? Maybe the reason I want to be close to him in friendship is because I feel he will fall for me that way. In fact I am pretty sure because I am pretty irresistible. But not when I am kept at a distance. It seems like he does not want to fall for me. And that makes me feels worried, like there is something wrong with me that he sees and is afraid of. Oh and he does flirt with other women in front of me and Pointedly tells me that he likes so and so, even when he sees I’m upset. Not very respectful there, although of course if I didn’t like him I wouldn’t care. I do the same thing to him, either to make myself feel good or to try and get a reaction out of him.

    So I don’t know. At one point in our past it seemed he liked me more than friends, and he initiated sex and I went with it. Then I may have majorly overfunctioned. I have been trying to get that back ever since.

    So what you are saying is that I should be his friend. Yes that is what I have been. Except I still like him. I mean I like him more than any other man 90% of the time. Great. This feels so fuzzy and unclear.

    Your comment felt really uplifting however. Thank you.

  30.  #30Daria on December 28, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    I keep rereading Maria’s comment. Is it because it gives me hope when I want so bad to have some? It seems as if she knows this man in real life! wow. I’m sure that all our friends would say this about him. In fact they do. So what is the problem. I don’t feel satisfied. And I feel hopeless. I feel that even if I find another man I like, which I have several times, I will always feel like I missed out. And that feels like tightening in m lip. That feels like dizzyness in my right head and neck. I love my lip and right head and neck. And that feels like smiling a little and coughing. I love my smile and cough. I love that I am hopeless and meant to fail at love. Thats ok. I am a tragic godess who is very beautiful and meant to fail at love. I am the failure at love goddess. The one you would think could get everything, the one everyman wants, yet her heart is broken. That feels like more tightness on my right head. I love you tightness. I love you chest that feels tight also. I DON’T WANT to be that Goddess. I feel sad. I feel desperate and angry and hopeless, like trying to punch the sky. That is the impact I am making, trying to punch the sky. That looks beautiful. It looks beautiful yet it’s breaking my heart. Maybe a part of me wants to fail at love because it is so beautiful. And that’s ok. I love myself. Isn’t that godess supposed to die early or turn into a tree or soemthing? I am ready to die early or turn into a tree. That would feel like relief. That would feel like I’ve played my role already. That would feel like tragedy tragedy. Tragedy is really touching to me. I really feel heartbroken by tragic stories. I love me. I love my attraction to things that hurt me. I love my pain. A part of me wants to be in pain to experience, to be, to fulfill that tragic beauty. And I love that part of me. And a part of me doesn’t. Even though she’s very small. Even though I don’t trust that she can make it. Even though the other part tells her over and over that its hopeless, that she can’t ruin the beautiful tragic play it has set up. But she wants to be happy. And I love her. I don’t know what she is doing here in my tragic play. She is probably meant to die, be a sacrifice. And that is ok. And a part of me wants her to live. And that is ok too. I want to give myself permission to be ok, to be more than ok, to be happy. I want to give myself permission to change my play, even though a part of me screams that that is ugly, impermissible gross and tasteless, boring, commonplace, tacky, and other stuff I don’t want to write for fear of offending other people. That part of me says being happy is for boring people. Having a family and being happy, ugh so boring, so tasteless, so common. Nothing like the glory of tragically dying for love. Lol. Wow. This is kind of cool. It’s kind of cool to write this down. I feel surprised, although I have known I felt like this for awhile. I feel interested. I feel interested to see what I come up with next. What do I do with my tragic goddess if I want to be happy? I love her. I Will not abandon her. Maybe you can help me be more whole tragic goddess. I like this name Tragic Goddess. Thank you. And if you were to run your play, and all would end, what would you want to be happy? She would want a house in Brazil. Somewhere in nature, where the air feels good. Where she can cook and it is hot outside. Where people live with her in a house made of wood. Where the floor may be dust like a hut or maybe something else natural because dust in hard to clean up lol. She would be old and happy because she has lots of grandkids. And she would be fulfilled. And a man? I don’t see him. All I see is her at the stove cooking, but now someone does come and kiss her, and he is tall and has a man presence so he is probably a man. She feels content with her life. Her energy does not go out with this man, to this man. She feels wise and pleased, and browned by the sun. She feels healthy in her old age. Pretty pretty woman who made it. That would be what I want later. But right now, I’m sure theres plenty of happiness I can want right now, before I am old. I want to be financially successful. I want to be so succesful that I can secure the rest of the life of my family, and can help my friends jump start into careers. So succesful that I can help big groups of people through real working projects, not corruption. I want to end injustice. I want to be able to heal people’s hearts. I want to bring freedom and hope with me, because I broke myself out of my cage and have freedom and hope myself. And that feels like an impossible task, and it also feels like a possible task, like what I want. I am so glad Barack Obama won the presidency because that gave me some hope that the world is changing, that big dreams aren’t impossible. That is cool. I am glad that happened in my lifetime. I want to go back to my native country and be president there. And I want to do lots of good and not be hampered by corruption. I want to give hope and self esteem to the people. I want to encourage authenticity as well as tolerance. Ohh that would feel so glorious. That would feel like a huge light, like a blaze, like singing. That feels like standing straight. Like being free to breathe in lots of air and feel like a flying bird, like feeling limitless and triumphant. Thank you Tragic goddess. I give you permission to feel this, to be more than sadness if you want. And I embrace your martyr self and all of you too. Thank you. I see that your selflessness and dying is a tool that is for tolerance and love. And I embrace you thank you. I feel good if dreamy right now. Thank you for reading. That feels like smiling big, like getting a big compliment. Yay.

    Big smile…

  31.  #31alias girl on December 28, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    so today i went and replaced an item in my kitchen that was over ten years old and SHABBY. SHABBY. SHABBY. NOT SHABBY CHIC JUST SHABBY. ick ugh ew. everytime i looked at it which was a zillion times a day it just screamed Alias girl you are poor.

    and for some reason i never wanted to spend the money to replace it. less than a tank of gas. less than my pizza meal yesterday. what is my problem?

    today i replaced and now i just keep looking at it and i think alias girl you are movin on up. 🙂 hah! i’m going to shake things up. do things different. i feel great.also i found anew hobbie which i loooooooove. i am great. i love myself. i love life. thank you world/god/universe/self! no more self punishing and self hatred. no more. be gone. only love here. hah!

    and one of my ex’s called. missed call no voicemail. yuh. as if i’m going to return that. (sometimes i do but this is twice in a row and not a pattern i am interested in rewarding.) i love me!


    btw daria you are doing Fantastic on your journey! fantastico!

  32.  #32Reshi on December 28, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    The truth is that I’m focusing on my love life to avoid having to look at my career. The truth is also that focusing on my love life is FORCING me to look at my career. Because the men I want aren’t really showing up for me, and when they do, I’m scared they’ll “find me out.” And the men I don’t want are showing up, men with missing pieces. And I’m attracting men with missing pieces because I have missing pieces. I want a complete, fabulous man, thank you very much, no less, and the complete, fabulous men I’m seeing online are *inspiring* me to become complete and fabulous myself; forcing me to work through my fears and my depression and my inertia. But I’m still resisting doing the work it takes to become a complete, fabulous woman. I don’t want a guy who’s in as bad shape as I am, physically, emotionally, or financially. I want one who is beautiful and successful and kind. And I am having no trouble making myself beautiful and kind, but becoming successful is terrifying. And it’s so okay that I’m scared, and I love myself for being able to feel the fear, but I want to feel confident and strong. And I feel physically confident and strong when I work out! And I feel mentally confident and strong when I write, when I receive critiques on my writing so I can make it better, and when I critique others. I feel mentally confident and strong when I make a list of priorities. I feel mentally confident and strong when I stick to the tasks I’ve assigned myself, and complete them. I feel mentally confident and strong when I see the results of my work. I want to see the results of my work. Wow, I feel like I’m very much in the masculine right now–and yay for putting my masculine energy in its proper place!

  33.  #33Daria on December 28, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    Hey Alias Girl thanks! What is your new hobby? (if u want to tell I feel curious)

    Reshi – great job! Ditto on feelings about success and attracting men with missing pieces. Nice use of masculine energy. I will be inspired from u!

  34.  #34Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 11:20 am

    Alias Girl….I can deeply relate to your first few posts above…the ones where you wanted to connect with him and then the ones where you hated him and felt awful about even wanting to connect with him. That is so totally how I feel with Charles…..and I hate feeling so wishy washy. I am not at all saying that YOU are wishy washy…i am saying that about myself.
    🙂 I want him and then I get mad for wanting him,then I don’t want him then I do and on and on. I am not even totally SURE what my truth is anymore!! I love that you are SO free with your feelings and where you are at at any given moment. I wish I could get there. I also agree with Daria in that I don’t think that you backed him into a corner at all. i think you did great on your speech. You are so awesome!
    Reshi….I am in awe of your strength…your courage and your resiliency…you are so beautiful and I am so happy for you! I am glad that all went well even though there is no attraction….you got to practice and that is what matters for right now. I can totally understand about the weight issue. I have been in that situation and felt decieved and then felt guilty thinking that I was a shallow person but that is not it at all. I had a real problem with misrepresentation because I was honest with what I looked like and all of my photos were recent so I felt decieved when that was not the case with them…it made me mad in a way as though they had lied about themselves in a way and immediately I felt distrust and had a hard time moving to date two even though they would ask. I could not get past that misrepresentation and always wondered what else they were misrepresenting. I am just happy that you are getting to get out there and practice. YAY for you!!! 🙂 Daria….you are doing so great!! Hope you are feeling better BTW!!!
    I loved this post…it is so inspiring but I am not even sure what my real TRUTH is anymore…what is that I REALLY DO want and how to get there. I do know that I want to be loved and treated like a princess….cherished, loved, cared for, for my man to be proud that I am his. I DO know those things and yes Charles does them sometimes….more often lately than he had been doing in a while so tha is good and it feels good but there are so many other things going on that I can’t tell anymore what it is that I REALLY want with him now. Yes…..I do love him and want things to be good and stay that way and for us to be married but then on the other hand why would I want to be with a man that has done all that he has done in this relationship? What kind of person does that make me to want that? I DO want to be married and have a family of my own and finally belong somewhere in this crazy world but beyond that I don’t even know. Do I REALLY want it with Charles? Part of does and part of me is scared to death of a life with a man like him. I am so daggone double minded it makes me sick. No wonder I don’t have what I want! I don’t deserve it! I hate myself for ever trusting him and getting myself into this situation where I am completely on hold….every area of my life is on hold because I wanted to be loved and me married and have a family of my own and belong somewhere……look where it got me… I am at a completely stand still and it is ALL my fault…I hate myself for it….I don’t deserve to have those wonderful things. I deserve a man like Charles. I love the wonderful things about him but can’t deal with the mean streak in him that is so like his father and that scares me to death but if we don’t end up getting married one day it won’t happen for me……who would want someone like me? I can’t even move forward in my life anymore not right now anyway….what do I have to offer a good man whether it be Charles or any other? ….hmmmmm….that would be a great big NOTHING! I no longer believe that I will have my dream nor do I believe that I deserve it and no…I cannot say honestly that I love that about me…I don’t. Apparently I am very angry today and that is definitely how I feel and have been feeling for these last few days…..anger… rage…I feel rage. I want to scream and get out of my body. I don’t know how to REALLY allow myself to FEEL it and get to being ok with it. I have tried so hard to do that but it does not come for me and that makes me even more rageful and angry….I feel hopeless and no..I don’t love my hopelessness. What the hell is wrong with me?!! Why can’t I just get it and do it like all of you are doing?! Why can’t I know my own truths anymore like you all do? what is so wrong with me?! Everytime I try to do something that is good for ME it gets blocked by something or by Charles so I can’t move forward in even doing a little tiny thing for ME and that makes me mad. It is almost as though he is doing it on purpose..I am not sying that he is….I just don’t know……I am so damn stuck and can’t find a way out of this hole that i am in. I WANT to stay in this house with him and marry him one day..the good times are really good but the bad times scare me to death…I am so damn pissed that I have to move and moving scares me out of my mind…it does not feel safe even though he says that we will still be together. Yeah…right. I will be alone again and most likely never hear from him again. I WANT us to be together and be happy and at at times I really feel as though it can happen but he is not going to marry me…he is not ready…he willnever be ready and I can’t even move forward with MY life….it is like my life is not my own anymore I am am pissed off. Sorry guys I don’t feel good or can’t get to that good place I just feel rage and anger and can’t even really allow myself to feel it cuz I don’t know how! I feel like a slug and don’t deserve anything better. sorry this is so not inspiring and light.

  35.  #35Daria on December 29, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Cassandra it seems you are starting to feel your rage. That is good. Now try to love it. Look at the actual BODY sensation and write it and say you love it. I just write or say I love it before I think about whether it’s true or not. That way it’s said therefore it can be true. And going on from there and what feelings that brings up.

    I woke up thinking about the guy I want to attract. I feel so exhausted. My head feels dizzy and my eyes feel tired. I feel trapped and hounded by him. I have no friends right now. Weird because along with enjoying him I was enjoying a lot of friends in my life. Why has my life towards being a Goddess brought me back to loneliness? I have tried so hard to build a network of friends for myself, but I wind up alone again. That feels like a puddle. I like being surrounded by friends and laughing. That is what I want. Instead all I am attracting is online men to talk to on the phone, which I am grateful for. They almost never have a car. I don’t recall a single one with a car that I have liked talking to. Even the nice ones. Lol. That is ok because I am requiring them to use public transportation to come to me, or near me. I am daydreaming about my dream life right now, where I have lots of friends that are calling me, willing to come pick me up, and can’t wait to hang out with me. I remember when my phone would ring 10 times in the morning before I woke up. That used to make me feel special. I attracted that, made it happen because I wanted to. So why has it gone away? I feel confused. I feel pain and heaviness on the right side of my head, and I love my pain and heaviness.I feel my mouth corners turned down and I love my mouth corners too. That feels like my mouth corners lifting. That is so cute. I love how my body responds to love. I actually had to read the statement about loving my mouth corners twice before I realized what it meant. Everyone is telling me I am doing great on my journey and that is great I am having some interesting stops and insights… but I’m not getting the results I want. I came here to finally resolve my trouble with the guy I want to attract, and instead I’ve found a nice way to up my degree and love myself. Which is great. I feel thankful for that. I also feel frustrated that I haven’t gotten what I wanted. I love my frustration. It feels like turned down mouth corners and heavy pulsing right head. I love my mouth corners and my heavy pulsing right head. I love my scratchy throat. I love my tired eyes. I love the electronic-like sounds in my ears. I feel tired and I just woke up, and I feel worried about that. I love my body and my tiredness. I love my hot feeling stuffy feeling torso.

  36.  #36Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Thanks Daria….you are right that I am starting to FEEL my rage but I am still not allowing myself to REALLY feel it because it scares me that it is there and that it is SO strong and dark…I am afraid of what I would be capable of doing if I really allow myself to feel it fully, I suppose…I don’t know. It is so strong that I really feel as though I could do some major damage if I allow it out totally. I will try to SAY that I love a feeling that I am having before I do feel it….like you said…at least that is out there and then can become truth for me…I hope that I get to the point that I can REALLY LOVE those feelings though…..even get to the point where I REALLY love myself completely no matter what is going on around me, what anybody else in my life is or isn’t doing, no matter what I am doing or not doing, no matter where I am or any of that outside stuff…that I just love me no matter what. I had an extremely interesting experience several years ago that I would like to share with you. At that time I was in a very long relationship with a man that I thought I would marry one day. At that time, I think that we had been together about 5 years when I found out that he had been unfaithful to me. I had been very sick and had had a piece of my right lung removed and was in ICU when I just lost it…I could not stop crying, I was so so deeply depressed that I really did not want to make it through that health crisis. I remember that I began to pray and ask the Lord to somehow fix these awful feelings that I was having about not wanting to even be here anymore or somehow fix the situation or just let me go. I remember how I was going thru, in my mind, in great detail everything that I thought at the time that was SO wrong with me and all of a sudden it was as though I was ‘out of my body’ and looking down at me crying and hurting so deeply (which broke my heart and hurt so badly to see ME hurting like that) – emotionally, physically- as I had a tube coming out of my lung thru my ribcage and spiritually. I then remember that it was as though GOD himself sat down next to me with HIS huge arms around me and said “OK….if you are so unhappy with YOU…who I Made you to be for a reason…HOW I made you to be for a reason…then tell me who you want to be..tell me HOW you want to be.” I remember that HE sounded so loving, and caring and as though HE was hurting because I was hurting that way and as though GOD was really ging to somehow ‘fix’ me and then I remember thinking/feeling that if I REALLY wanted to be someone else or like someone else or just BE different than what HE had made me to be for a reason…I could…..BUT I also remember so clearly that I began to cry even harder because I realized that I did NOT want to be someone else…I did NOT want to be like anyone else…I DID and DO want to be ME! As soon as that hit me in that moment it was as though I was back in my body and I felt a sense of peace that I had NEVER before experienced….it was absolutely awe inspiring and I will never ever forget that. So with having that awesome experience then why can’t I just BE? and love me for me? If I really didn’t love ME then I would have told HIM that I did want to be different but I didn’t do that I can only assume that I didn’t choose that BECAUSE I do/ did love myself. I thought about that today and once again…I don’t want to be like anyone else or BE someone else. I WANT to be me and be loved and accepted for just that so then why can’t I get past this wall?? I feel so confused about pretty much everything right now…not just Charles..this is about ME. I feel that I have nothing to offer a good man right now…no job….really no career although I know what I am passionate about but I am afraid to do it because of the economy – there would be NO demand right now and I have to make a living so I have to go back to doing something that tears my spirit to pieces becasue I hate it so much….that feels like plastic over my face and I am suffocating..I feel that I can’t even breathe and even my body is congruent with that in that I have been having trouble breathing lately…I feel so suffocated…I feel that I am paralyzed that my muscles won’t move like I am trying to move but I can’t move…I can’t breathe…I feel like I am drowning…..It feels like my lungs are filling up with water and I can’t breath…I feel like my entire body is constricted like I am wrapped in saran wrap and can’t move or breath… eyes feel tired and squinty….my forehead feels all scrunched up and tight and my face feels frowny…..even my tummy feels tight and my shoulders and back feel all tensed up and tight like I holding the weight of the world up….I feel like I am taped to a tree and the saran wrap goes around me and the tree over and over and I can’t get out….. I would have to be cut out of it. There are a few things that I LOVE To do and that bring me so much peace and joy but I can’t do them partly because Charles won’t let me do my crafts in the house and the economy won’t really support me doing what I love other than singing and even that would be hard to get back into full time unless I am on the road again which I DO NOT want to do. I feel as though this all so much bigger than just Charles. I want peace in my heart again..I want to be the woman that is “my full potential self….. She is an amazing singer/ songwriter that writes songs that touch peoples hearts so deeply. She is beautiful with long flowing red hair and strikingly beautiful blue eyes that pierce whatever it is that they look at…..she is deeply loving and strong…she is so strong and filled with such abundant joy that wherever she goes …light surrounds her and joy radiates from her being….she is at total peace and in a place of full contentment and can enjoy every moment for what it is ecen in circumstances of adversity….when she faces adversity she does not complain she simply deals with it and moves on….she feels everything deeply but is able to not cry as easily as I do now…I admire that in her and perhaps when she holds me that will transition to me…I lvoe my feelings and that i can feel so deeply I just wish that the tears did not flow quite so easily as it scares people somtimes….no it scares men….” (I had described her in a different post) I want to dance…I want to sing again…..I want to write again…I want to perform again…I want to be back in the studio again…i want to feel supported doing the things that I love and feel that my man is there beside me …proud of me and I want to feel that I belong somewhere for the FIRST TIME in my life. I love what it is that I want and Ilove that I want it.

  37.  #37Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    sorry that was so long.

  38.  #38Caj13 on December 29, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    AG and Cassandra, I can really feel where you’re at with the unworthiness. As far as truth goes, IT IS NOT TRUE. WE ARE PERFECTLY WORTHY and DESERVING – of EVERYTHING WE WANT (the desire is there to make us go after satisfying our needs), AND worthy and deserving of everything we ever needed and didn’t get. And the latter is where our FEELING of underserving comes from. And that feeling is true and real and valid, too. Somewhere along the line, usually as tiny, helpless, completely dependent beings we did not get our minimum needs met. This might not have resulted from conscious abuse – there might not be a bad guy to judge or punish. Sometimes our parents, although good to us directly, were just too clueless or overwhelmed to protect us from their own dysfunctional relationship, exposing us to hateful or violent behavior, with no means for consolation or understanding . Or sometimes they die – the ultimate abandonment, or something else again. And our little selves, terrified and furious, could DO NOTHING, and so learned to pull back within ourselves AS IF we felt nothing. (Children do this with chronic physical pain, as well, and often appear not to feel it. Only recently have health professionals come to realize the truth.) It’s as if our small minds and hearts, even or especially without words, put 2+2 together: I need protection and respect. I am not getting them. I must not deserve them. Therefore I am unworthy.

    Rori has mentioned this kind of trauma and its debilitating effects – it completely undermines self esteem and acquiring confidence. (Understanding with our adult brain usually won’t help us much by itself, but it can satisfy our curiosity of How is this so? Why me?.) But the beauty of her program is that it addresses these issues, directly, pragmatically, truthfully, thoroughly, lovingly and by making it fun. The best way to raise someone in the first place, and the best way for us to recreate our lives.

    If we allow ourselves to do it. If we can bypass our baby mind’s solutions, our (un)comfort zone of old habits and inertia. Yes, the new ways lead to confusion, which is resistance to the untried that doesn’t jive with our old logic. But we now know, thanks to our feelings, that the old logic was faulty and is no longer logical at all. Re-armed with our feelings, our valorous grown-up sirens can encompass and empower all our scrawny orphans, tragic goddesses, toro-taming vixens.

    Cassandra – your sublime Anger is telling you to fight, to Fight for Your Life and Be Who You Are (whether you know who that is or not – raging away is going to show you).

    Daria – your confusion is resistance to Your Truth. Of course you have room for men who are friends, and you already know who they are. I love your Tragic Goddess in the Play. That’s just it – it’s a play. So after the beautiful performance you still have the SMALL PART of you to remember the applause, and go have a great time reliving it with the goddess and leading man once they’ve taken off their costumes. And maybe that circle of friends you say has vanished was not really up to helping you to save the world (Do, oh please DO keep trying to save it!)

  39.  #39Daria on December 29, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    That was great Cassandra. Ok now

    when you find these feelings in your body…

    “I feel so suffocated…I feel that I am paralyzed that my muscles won’t move like I am trying to move but I can’t move…I can’t breathe…I feel like I am drowning…..It feels like my lungs are filling up with water and I can’t breath…I feel like my entire body is constricted like I am wrapped in saran wrap and can’t move or breath… eyes feel tired and squinty….my forehead feels all scrunched up and tight and my face feels frowny…..even my tummy feels tight and my shoulders and back feel all tensed up and tight like I holding the weight of the world up….I feel like I am taped to a tree and the saran wrap goes around me and the tree over and over and I can’t get out…”

    Tell them and the location of the feeling that you love them. Love is not the same as like. You obviously are not going to LIKE feeling like your lungs are filling up with water. But you can say… I love my lungs and the feeling that they are filling up with water… then see what happens… feel the love… because this part of your body is hurting, your energy is hurting… but you still LOVE it… because it is part of you and you LOVE you… does that make sense? Once you write that… things change… maybe to a little better, maybe back to worse… and keep saying you love all the feelings and sensations that come up… the process happens by itself…

  40.  #40Reshi on December 29, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    Cassandra, wow! Your account of your conversation with God brought me to tears right here on the train. And I am still seeing so much of myself and another dear friend of mine in your story, about how can we make a living in this often harsh-seeming world and keep our passion and creativity intact. And it isn’t a choice between doing what you love and starving, or doing something that tears you to pieces just to survive. There are options. Doing something you can tolerate, just long enough to get your feet under you to jump off into something you like better. And then something better than that. And so on. I feel like in this economy we have to just hit the ground running…and when the ground crumbles under our feet we have to leap to higher ground–and the higher ground is falling too so we’ll have to leap again. And you know what, from where I stand, that doesn’t feel scary anymore, it feels like being the heroine of an exhilarating video game.

    Caj13, you always blow me away with your wisdom. I love the concise way you write, it seems to always get to the heart of what’s going on.

    AG, I love how you fnally threw out that item that was saying “Alias Girl, you are poor.” Household objects definitely don’t have the right to talk to us like that. And if we can throw out an object, we can throw out a man.

    Daria, I totally see you diving into this huge onion, peeling the layers off of it until you find your real truth…I wonder if in trying to attract this man, there is something underlying that you’re trying not to look at? Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t. But it’s worth asking.

  41.  #41alias girl on December 29, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    wow. i am blown away. truly. we are amazing women. seriously. wow. i am honored to read everyone’s process and feedback. wow. seriously. wow.

    thank you.

  42.  #42Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Reshi…Daria and Caj13…thank you so much for your input. Reshi…sorry 🙂 I did not mean to make you cry on the train. 🙂 I am glad that my experience touched you though…that is one thing that I will never ever forget and it seems lately that itkeeps coming to the forefront of my memory more and more often…I know there is a reason for that. I LOVED your image of the video game heroine jumping from one high ground to the next as the one under her feet crumbles…how cool is that?! I loved it!! I want to be her too! I know what I enjoy, what I am good at and what makes me happy – I just have to find out how to get paid for it. I get literally sick to my stomach everytime I get on the computer to look for jobs that can pay me what I need to survive alone – for jobs doing what I did before I got laid off. It makes me sick to think about going back. I am trying to look into other things so that I can go in the direction of doing the things that I love. I really loved your heroine image!!
    Daria…thank you! I am going to try the love tool that you described above and see where I end up…I expect that perhaps I will end up in a happier more peaceful place. I so appreciate your direction…it helps me alot so thank you for breaking it down like that. That was awesome and now I actually look forward to doing that excercise.
    Caj13…I loved what you wrote about trauma and I also know that part if not all of my rage/ anger is coming from exactly that…lots of it over the years perhaps. I do actually feel traumatized by all of this as though like Reshi said..the ground under my feet has crumbled so that does make perfect sense to me. I have a question though…you said “your sublime Anger is telling you to fight, to Fight for Your Life and Be Who You Are (whether you know who that is or not – raging away is going to show you)” I did not quite understand what you were saying here…what did you mean when you said that I need to fight for my life? I do feel as though I know who I am….quite clearly actually but there are things that I need to do and I am not sure which way to go on really any of those decisions. I am so afraid to make the wrong decision…yet again. I also did not get what you meant by my rage showing me the way. Could you please calrify these things? You always have such awesome input – I don’t want to miss anything. Thanks. 🙂
    AG…..YAY for you throwing out that old item and replacing it with the new and shiny!!! I am excited for you and what this year holds for you with your new and improved ‘I will not take less than….’ attitude! Out with the old and in with the new! YAY for you!!! 🙂
    Love you guys….

  43.  #43Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    AG…..your process is just as awesome and just as inspiring.

  44.  #44heartbeat on December 30, 2008 at 2:32 am

    I’m loving all the imagery and sharing of processes here! It’s so good to catch up with everyone’s comments at last – my broadband was down for two weeks, so I only had my mobile to keep track.

    I’m with Reshi on the issue of work when you’re a creative person. I got so excited reading her comment about stepping out “Doing something you can tolerate, just long enough to get your feet under you to jump off into something you like better. And then something better than that. And so on.”

    I’m an artist and writer, but I make my living (part-time) in a different role (which I enjoy, and pays well). A couple of years ago I was feeling dislocated from the creative arts because a couple of friends had entered academia and were ‘in the scene’ full-time, getting paid for teaching undergrads etc. One day I became immersed in questions – “how come I’ve never focused like that, why don’t I take that step too, what is different about people who become creative full-time, and me?” In fact I started questioning all the outer aspects of my life until one day I felt gratitude for the following reasons: I earn enough part-time and can still make stuff; I like variety; I’m open to freelance opportunities; I have time for relationships; I feel grounded and when I don’t feel grounded I have time to deal with it.

    It’s as if I’m exploring what is right for ME rather than others, but at the same time learning from others. The problem, though, with role models, is that as soon as I find one I like, I find another whose lifestyle is totally different! So there are no rules, but I’m intrigued by qualities.

    I feel light using my ‘fifteen-minute rule’ – there is always something that can be done in fifteen minutes a day, even if it’s just looking at a picture, or amending a piece of writing. Or doing a Rori Raye Tool 🙂

    Fifteen minutes a day soon adds up, and it’s great for people like me who enjoy, or have to, do a number of different things, like working temp to get on one’s feet.

    I feel so happy to be back in the groove and I’m relieved I’ll be able to respond to you all. I’ve missed quite a bit and so many comments to read – I’ll take it from here and if I pick anything up wrong, just nudge me on the right track, women 🙂

  45.  #45Caj13 on December 30, 2008 at 5:18 am

    Thanks everyone, for your appreciation and your processes – these are so good I tend to do mine vicariously through yours! (But I’m not hitting myself with that – so be it for the moment, and thanks to you I’ll know exactly how to go, up close and personal).

    Cassandra – Anger, Rage are about Identity. Asserting and Defending it because you feel Threatened. And yes, you are already blessed to know so much about yourself, and that’s why you can’t live in this box that doesn’t fit. (Anyway, being a creative person, no box will ever fit, that’s why they say “thinking outside the box” for people like us singers, painters, writers etc. (and actually, all of us here, who as Heartbeat noted are re-creating our lives in the most astoundingly ways).

    Ok, as a performer you’ve already had to give up so much because of the excessive cost to you of the way you had to exercize your talents at that time. And fortunately, you have other talents and interests that you can develop to ease the pain and motivate you. And you can’t practice your crafts in Your Own Home? In a place you’re stuck through false pretenses where your have no friends or family or job and nothing to do but invest yourself in a home you can’t Count On?

    I’m not judging you, especially as I’m stuck as well. My situation is totally different and yet at the base it’s quite the same. We don’t know where to go. Maybe we are afraid to open our eyes and see it. The answer is Anywhere is Better, because we are not living our lives now. And in the meantime just DO a maximum of whatever we FEEL like. No permission asked, no approval sought, defending our right IF it’s challenged (in the simple Rori way (I want to do this, I need to do this. Period/Fullstop) – no justifications or pleading. And the bad feelings that try to stop us will just have to be felt, then sat in the corner to watch how it’s better Our Queen’s Way.

    Heartbeat has shown us that it is possible to live the creative life, and more power to her for having found a more than acceptable financial solution. Not through luck, but because she wanted it and DARED and follows her own inclinations. I have an artist friend who has lived from her painting for 30 years. She gave up everything , including a high society life, (and a loving husband, because of Her Own unworthiness issues, later resolved). She calls herself a green apple who just can’t live a red apple life. But by Living her Bliss, as she says it, by being who she is and doing what she is meant to do, Things Fall into Place. Come seemingly out of nowhere. She finished raising 2 marvelous kids, even tho’ they had to start out in a barn with no running water or central heat (snow country) for a year.

    I know with my head and believe that all this is possible. For me. And yes, I’m still struggling to FEEL it. But I know when that happens, everything will be all right. It has before. Whatever happens, other things can happen and will, as soon as we make room for them. By going to another, warmer and more spacious place, inside or outside ourselves.

  46.  #46Caj13 on December 30, 2008 at 5:27 am

    PS My artist friend also uses Heartbeat’s 15 minute technique: a table always ready with all the minimum on it. It’s not the results, it’s the process, always feeding the dream.

  47.  #47TW on December 30, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Hi guys…. All of my friends are on this post too. I have been posting elsewhere but this drew me to say something. I think telling someone exactly what is on your mind is beautiful if you say it in a mild tone and let your true feelings shine through. I never thought about starting one of my sentences with THE TRUTH IS… WOW It even feels weird just putting it in the comment so imagine how it will feel when you say it to your man or love interest. I know how you all feel because I love my love interest so much one minute and then the next I am PISSED off with him and I just want to say “The truth is you do things that upset me sometimes. I do not like it when you do not call me or see me for days at the time.” I am ready to jsut say what I need to say. That is in the other post but I have just been through so many ups and downs lately and I just want to get all of my feelings on the table and I gues sthe truth is the way to go…

  48.  #48Daria on December 30, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    TW –

    This part of your post

    “I think telling someone exactly what is on your mind is beautiful if you say it in a mild tone and let your true feelings shine through.”

    I just wrote a whole love song on the spot inspired by it. With a melody and recorded. it. It’s a hook to a song with thwo different verses and a change at the end. This is amazing. This is like my dream coming true. I have never trusted myself to sing. Thank you.

    I have been able to sing before. Now I just wrote my own song. I did that before. I had the whole neighborhood laughing at me because It was silly but still singing my song for months. I hold myself back a lot I know that. It feels good to tknow that. I am glad I am good at things that people have told me I’m not good at and can’t be good at. I feel afraid and send love to myself. And to TW who inspired me. Thank u.

  49.  #49Daria on December 30, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    I feel I sound either manly or alternatly like a 5 year old when I sing. And that is ok. I wnat to acknowledge the joy I had writing and singing something. And my desire to sing in a way that pleases me and is up to my standards and really actually makes me happy and proud. Even if I am not doing that now… Even If I feel incapable now and forever I love myself… and I feel curious of wether it’s possible, and I feel excited that it might be possible.

  50.  #50TW on December 30, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    That is the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard. Thank you so much for thinking that much of me. I sing also. We have that in common. You be the best you that you know how to be and never let your fear and words of other people take your happiness and your gift away from you. Song writing is a blessing… You know you could write a song and sing it to your loved one. You have the talent now find your strength. It would be a beautiful gift to share with someone. Let your soul shine through in the words to your song. This is so beautiful. I am so proud of you that I could come through this computer and hug you. Keep writing and recording your work. You could even play it for someone if you are too afraid to sing it directly to them. I love this so much. Thank you. You are giving me the strength to want to sing. He has always asked me to and I was so scared but now I see someone sharing my passion and not I want to share something special with him that I have never shared before. You thought I was a muse for you but you ended up being a muse for me.

    Love you!!!

  51.  #51Cassandra on December 30, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    You guys are so amazing….Iam in awe of all of the amazing work that is being done here even if sometimes we don’t feel as though we are moving forward…..we are and like AG said earlier..I am so honored to be a part of this.
    Daria..I am so happy that you are taking taht step and singing..who cares what anyone else thinks..this is about you Sweetie. Sing and write what your heart tells you to write…share your gift with whomever you feel you want to share it with and know that you sharing yourself this way is indeed a true and beautiful gift to the world. TW..what you wrote to Daria was beautiful as well. I am so happy that you are ready to say what you need to say and let it be. I admire that and am trying so hard to get to that point even though I know that I will feel better..I will feel freer having said what I feel and getting it out there for him to decide where to go with it and NOT being the least bit concerned with the outcome…that felt free just writing it to you. You guys are all so amazing and I am so thankful to be a part of all of this amazing and beautiful work. I love you guys.

  52.  #52Cassandra on December 30, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    Daria…thank you for your guidance in a post above about loving a feeling and the location of a feeling. I have been trying to do this excercise for a few days and for some reason could not do it. each time I would try to do it, I would cry so hard that I could not type. I am not sure what that is all about but I feel like I can try this now so here goes…..

    Here was the original part of my post that you used for an example….
    “I feel so suffocated…I feel that I am paralyzed that my muscles won’t move like I am trying to move but I can’t move…I can’t breathe…I feel like I am drowning…..It feels like my lungs are filling up with water and I can’t breath…I feel like my entire body is constricted like I am wrapped in saran wrap and can’t move or breath… eyes feel tired and squinty….my forehead feels all scrunched up and tight and my face feels frowny…..even my tummy feels tight and my shoulders and back feel all tensed up and tight like I holding the weight of the world up….I feel like I am taped to a tree and the saran wrap goes around me and the tree over and over and I can’t get out…”

    Here is my new version of what I had written but now with the LOVE included…..
    “I feel so suffocated…I love my lungs and that I feel suffocated…it means that I can feel deeply and that my body is indeed connected to my spirit and all of that connected to my emotions….like my body is trying in some way to protect my spirit and that makes me feel safe….like I am protecting my little girl me and now I am again crying to the point that I can’t see the screen and I don’t know why…I can actually see her standing there crying and wanting someone to pick her up and love her and just hold her…..I don’t know where this is all coming from…I feel that I am paralyzed that my muscles won’t move like I am trying to move but I can’t move…I love my body and the feeling that I can’t move it is trying to protect my spirit and that feels strong and independent…like I can depend on me to protect me…. I can’t breathe..I love my lungs and all that they have been through for me..that breathing is life and the fact that I can’t breathe means that I am dying inside…all of the issues that I have had with my lungs that try so hard to keep me living and breathing have been around trying to keep ME alive…not just my body but ME… heart and spirit….I have been dying inside for so long that i don’t know what it is to REALLY breathe freely without medication….I love my lungs..they are life for me..they are protection for me..they are fighting for ME for my little girl ME…I feel like I am drowning…..I loe the feeling that I aom drowning because again it is a signal from my body ….my lungs taht I am dying inside…drowning without air for my spirit… lungs have been there for my little girl me protecting me even when they had to do battle and I lost a part of my right lung…it was again protecting me…thank you lungs for being there…for protecting me even when I could not protect ME…for fighting for me when I did not know that you were even fighting for me….It feels like my lungs are filling up with water and I can’t breath…again they are still fighting…protecting me and taking care of me when I can’t…not because I don’t want to but because I didn’t even know about any of this…..I feel like a light just went on but I can’t SEE it becuase of the tears strweaming down my face..they are burning my cheeks..thank you tears…I love you…I love that my body is SO connected to my spirit…to my little ME that IT priotects me even when the rest of me can’t……I get it now…when I have gotten into a danger zone of losing ME it SHUTS DOWN…it TOTALLY SHUTS DOWN….I love my body..I love my body taking care of me when I can’t…it means tha I DO LOVE ME…I don’t want to be someone else because I LOVE ME FOR ME NOT MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR FEELS OR SAYS OR DOES…I love me…I love my lungs…I oove my body that has been a battle field for me my entire life….fighting to protect the REAL ME…..I feel like my entire body is constricted like I am wrapped in saran wrap and can’t move or breath…..I love my body and that it feels contricted becuase again…it is in battle for ME right now….again…it has never let me down even thoughI used to think that it had…it didn’t…I did..I did not protect me or fight for ME and what I NEEDED or needed to say or do or be….I did not fight for me so it had to step in and it did…I love you body..I love you lungs….I love you for taking care me……my eyes feel tired and squinty…I love my eyes and that they too are in protection mode…..thank you for taking care of me……my forehead feels all scrunched up and tight and my face feels frowny…..thank you face…thank you tummy for telling me that something is not right…..I love you….even my tummy feels tight and my shoulders and back feel all tensed up and tight like I holding the weight of the world up….I love that I can hold the weight of the world up….MY WORLD…I love that my body does that because I am worth protecting and worth loving and taking care of….I feel like I am taped to a tree and the saran wrap goes around me and the tree over and over and I can’t get out…I love you tree…you must be the stable force holding me up right now..thank you…..I love you…I love you body for all that you ahve brought me through..thank you for fighting when i could not fight anymore…thank you for being there for my little girl me when my big ME could not…..I have let myself doqwn and that feels traumatic but my body kept fighting….amazing… is strong and resilient…even after losing a part of my right lung..thank you lung…I could still stand on that stage and sing….thank you for taking care of me..thank you for fighting..I am grateful and see you so differently now…..I am a fighter…I am a fighter…i have not given up even when I thought that I had…I had NOT….I am stronger than I thought I was… body was there for me and being part of me that was me…I am worth fighting for and I love me totally….I am amazing and thankful for being ME……..”

  53.  #53Cassandra on December 31, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Daria…I see what you mean…..all I can say is …wow. I just sat here and hugged myself and can not stop crying. Thank you…you helped me so much more than you could ever know…thank you. I love you….and I love me. I wish I could give you one of those beautiful flower hugs you created……

  54.  #54Daria on December 31, 2008 at 12:16 am

    Wow Cassandra I feel myself crying too and shaking that feels so beautiful I am so happy to ssee that and I feel so honored to have you mention and feel like I helped you or contributed or was part of your beautiful story even though I feel unworthy and I love us too!!!

  55.  #55alias girl on December 31, 2008 at 1:00 am

    aw. i feel sappy. i hate feeling sappy. i love that i hate feeling sappy. cassandra you riffed on your feelings and added love and it was so beautiful. aw. i’m going to cry. i feel angry that i am going to cry. i feel like i do when someone gets too close to me (odd but ok.) i just want to be mean and put a little distance between me and whoever i feel is getting too close at the moment. interesting. sounds like the men i date. no surprise.

    but anyway. aw. i can’t believe how much we are growing into our beautiful goddess selves. it brings tears to my eyes. god i feel sappy. i feel annoyed with myself. i love my annoyance which is trying to protect me in a really ineffectual way. i feel goofy sad. not sad sad but touched. sappy. ick. ick. i feel annoyed. ick. rrrrrrrrrrrr. like i could kick someone. wtf? i feel crazy. is that the bottom line? that there are so many emotions happening almost concurrently one right on the heels of another that to actually put words to them and voice them in our current society would be labelled crazy. when really it is the most human thing in the world.

    the soup. i am starting to really accept my full self. so much better than always trying to seem normal and acceptable and Nice to everyone. now i can just be authentic and compassionate and goddessy. Much more fulfilling in my opinion.


  56.  #56Caj13 on December 31, 2008 at 5:46 am

    Cassandra – I was crying, too – your riff felt like a breakthrough; a dazzling sunrise of brillant rays! That was far more than a lightbulb just going on! I feel a sense of relief – that girl is gonna make it, sooner rather than later! Now that the horrid saran wrap is off, just gently rub your dear little battered survivor’s body a few minutes and then give yourself all the comforting hugs you deserve and couldn’t feel. I’m finding those real live hugs with my own arms very helpful – my little girl who’s finally letting a few wet tears well up is at last getting some solace she needs, and the tears are coming a bit more easily.

    AG – Your days of Gratitude are also such an inspiration, and I am feeling grateful every day for You. Like Lin and Reshi, you really tell like it is, for yourself and for the rest of us. Even admitting to feeling out of joint with us when the good but vulnerable stuff gets too close for comfort. Fear – no terror! of real intimacy, even with ourselves, we all feel it. Be grateful for your Lucidity, as I am of your gift of it to us.

    And Daria, WHAT would we do without you? There’s no better Riff coach in the world (I bet even Rori would recognize that). And now you’re singing it, too! Just belt it out, Siren – one more way to save the world while saving yourself. Coming soon to the Youtube near you? And here’s something for your inner crusaderess, from the O.T. “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief….You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.” Okay, this is part of your life’s calling, but for the rest of us it speaks, too – baby steps to acknowledge and overcome our own grief. To which there may be no absolute end, proof that we are still alive, but neither will there be an end to Joy and Fulfillment as long as we breathe and love.

  57.  #57Cassandra on December 31, 2008 at 7:14 am

    Daria…You DID help me and it was YOU that walked me through step by step what to do and I can’t put into words how thankful I am for that. I had been trying to riff but was not getting anywhere but last night I DID have a MAJOR breakthrough because I was able to follow your breakdown step by step. Even when I was afraid to do it…I just did it like jumping into a pool and look what happened! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! After I did that riff…I could not stop crying so I just sat here and huged myself and cried even harder. I feel lighter this morning like a piece of that world’s weight that I was carrying was knocked off my shoulders last night and that feels so good. It felt good to hug me and hold me and just cry. Even when I finally got back into bed I still cried but this time kept holding myself and it felt so comforting….safe almost. I can’t put into words how grateful I feel…..AG…I am borrowing your word Love……wow….wow. AG…I think that what you are feeling is indeed a protection method but I also think that you KNOW that you are loved here so much and that we are all so grateful to have you here and that you DO conrtibute so much to all of us and help us learn as well. Thank you. Thank you for allowing us to see YOUR process and YOUR beautiful heart and love you just for being you. I know that is scary because the world does not really know how to LOVE and ACCEPT but we have creaeted our own little loving, safe, beautiful place here ofr ourselves and I am so happy that you are here and like Caj..I also appreciate that you tell it like it is. That is a gift…not everyone can do that and I am thankful for that in you. I love your authentic self and like Daria…I send you a huge hug! Caj…your support is always filled with such wisdom and love..thank you for that. You are right…I DID have a HUGE breakthrough last night and I now look forward to riffing again in a little while when even yesterday Icould not bring myself to riff here until last night Icould not sleep and I knew that there was something that I was supposed to do so I came here…and voila! I ma indeed learning to hug myself and love myself more and caress my face as you would a small, little firghtened child and take ME in my arms and comfort ME again as you would a little girl who is scared out her wits. it feel so good….so freeing….so loving and so NEEDED and I am glad that you are doing the same. You are such a wise counselor for us and your input is invaluable. Thank you for being here and sharing your heart with us as well. I love you too! Oh and more thing..sing Sweetie sing….sing what your heart feels and allow yourself to immerse yourself when you are singing and feel free to express whatever it is that comes out knowing that whatever it is is beautiful and you ARE WORTHY! I love you all so much…words are not enough…thank you. I wish I could hug every single one of you! Iust noticed that I did not mention Charles one time in my riff last night nor in this note until this thought…..and it felt GREAT! YAYAYAY!! OXXOXOXOXO

  58.  #58TW on December 31, 2008 at 11:05 am

    Is it okay to tell someone that you feel as though you are wasting energy putting so much energy into them without them doing the same. I am saying that is the truth and I did say I feel…. That is just what I am feeling right now that is all.

    Daria- will you post the song you wrote..

  59.  #59alias girl on December 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    i feel profoundly grateful. the transformation of everyone is so beautiful. as well as the process. i just feel like i am soaking in some beautiful rays of goddess light.

    that must be how aman feels in our presence. we don’t have to DO anything. he just wants to soak up the rays.

    tw well it sounds like you’ve already taken action so what i am about to suggest may be mute. but since you did pose a question i am going to respond by saying there is probably a better way to say it. what you said sounds a little blaming with anger directly pointed at him. which may not be the best way to make a connection with someone.

    maybe something more general. i feel i am putting out so much energy. i feel depleted. i don’t want to sustain depleting relationships in my life. what do you think?

    i love you godesses. you are amazing. i can feel my resistance to saying i love you guys. i can feel my resistance. ah my phone is going to die. gotta run for now. xoxo

  60.  #60Ann on December 31, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    As I said I LOVE this post. There’s a old saying that goes like this “When the student is ready the teacher will come.” Rori is our teacher but I feel like we play a dual role. We’re the students and the teachers. We’re learning and then sharing what we learn thereby helping others. Thank you ladies so much.

    Happy New Year all

  61.  #61Maria on January 1, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Heh, thank you Ann, it sounds wonderful. Cos l would not say l found Rory “just by coincidence”. ld like to know that there is a good fate working for us afterall. Happy New Year!

  62.  #62Daria on January 1, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Hi. Wow. Thank you all for mentioning me. I am feeling so acknowledged and appreciated and INCLUDED. OH I just love that I feel like crying and now laughing… ohhhhh thank you you guys I am such a sucka for feeling part of something and feeling this way… anD I love that about myself… and I love when Im alone too … and I love you guys of course! YAY…. Thanks I feel like smiling and feeling good and sighing…

  63.  #63Ann on January 1, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    You’re quite welcome Maria. Words could never express the appreciation I have for Rori. She shares all her wonderful tools. She has this blog where she lets us share out thoughts and feelings on the tools and how they’re working for us or whatever we’d like to say. She’s “our teacher” and I think we’re all “excellent students” not only because we’re learning but we’re sharing as we go. This community od goddesses rock!

  64.  #64TW on January 1, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Daria- I guess our truth is sexy!! LOL You are a part of all of our lives and you will always be…

  65.  #65Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 8:34 am

    I apologize that I did not get to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope that each of you had a wonderful holiday and that this year brings each of you a year full of peace, joy, prosperity and lots and lots of love from both people on the outside and of course from the INSIDE!!!! You are all such a blessing to me and I am just so thankful to be blessed to be a part of such and amazing group of GODESSES! I love you all! XOXOX

  66.  #66TW on January 2, 2009 at 8:51 am

    Cassandra- How are you?? I am glad to hear from you. If you are checking you’re your e mail you will see in the other post we normally talk on and see what has been happening in my world… Baby steps of course but steps just the same. Talk to you soon…

  67.  #67Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 8:52 am

    My truth is that I feel sad right now…I feel so sad that Christmas has past and it won’t be here again for another 36? days…I love this time of year and it seemed to go so very fast this year that if you blinked….it was gone by. I feel sad that 2008 was so very far away from what I thought that it would be……I had expectations of moving here and loving it…which I do….marrying Charles as he promised….starting to try to get pregnant and start our family and so many other things that tied in to all of those things. I feel sad that not one of those things happened other than loving it here. I feel deeply disappointed that Charles and I did not get married as he promised and I feel afraid that I may lose yet another year not having the things that I want in my life. I feel sad that once again I had to tell myself ‘well, this will be my year.’ as I have said that every year for the last several years. I feel afraid that I will never have the things tha I want for my life and that I will end up alone and not ever have a family of my own. That feels like heaviness in my chest and tummy and tightness in my shoulders and back…it feels like numbness in my heart and tightness in my lungs…I love my lungs and how they get tight and make it so that I have trouble breathing when I am not ok because they are trying to protect me or warn me or tell me that something is wrong kind of like how a spider gets himself into a ball when he is threatened..I hate spiders but that is a cool analogie…..I love the tightness in my shoulders and back and lungs because my body is screaming out to me that something is wrong…something is wrong..something is wrong. The thing is is that things with Charles have been so god for the last few months but still there is no date set and no rig on my finger and he lets me know ALL THE TIME that he is not ready to get married but that we WILL get married…one day. I feel so angry about that…that feels like my lungs getting even tighter and my eyebrows feel like they are sinking down on my face and it feels like the corners of my lips are turned down…I love that my body tries so hard to get to me and turn that lightbulb on in my head. I want so much to do all of the things that we did together this year….working in the yard and on the house and updating this and that with the ideas that I had….getting on the harley and just riding and then meeting up with friends or family…making pancakes for us on Saturday mornings or going to our usual breakfast spot and working on the yard every weekend….I want to do those things again this year but I am afraid that I will not get to be a part of that and that feels like tears streaming down my face…it feels like my heart hurts. I so want us to get married and just move forward with our lives together but I can’t make him want me as his wife or make him love me like he used to even though he has not said that that has changed….just the timing of us getting married has changed. I hate that i had to go into this new year with all of these same feelings and issues coming with me. I so want and need to talk to Charles and tell him how I realy feel about things but he never has time to talk to me about serious stuff either that or he just does not want to and that feels like more tears because it makes me feel that my feelings and needs are not that important to him. He is leaving today to go back on the road and will not be home for the weekend and may not be back home for a while and that feels like more tears…I will miss him and have no idea when we can discuss these things because we can’t when he is on the road. That feels as though I don’t matter to him and that feels like I can’t breathe again. I love my lungs and that they are trying to protect me this way.

  68.  #68TW on January 2, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Cassandra- Do not beat yourself up… Everybody says at the beginning of every year that … THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT… It is just what you do at the end of the year. I am glad that you love your feelings because sometimes that is so hard to do and you are making steps towards loving YOURSELF more when you love everything about you including your feelings both good and bad. Right now you may feel down but once you get to going then you will feel better. That is how it is.. I have the commitment blueprint program and you may want to watch that because it talks about when the subject of marriage has been brought up but no official date or ring ahs been given… Rori talks in detail about what happened to her. Very insightful. I will try to find that part tonight and tell you what she said to do. Basically she said do not give a time frame and say ok and leave it at that. You are such a beautiful woman and you deserve everything it is you want but you just have to keep on with the tools and trust your own judgment on the timing. I know it is hard to sit back and wait… I know because it kills me some days but that is just what you have to do and keep a going. Occupy your time.. You know what.. I have started reading a book yesterday after I talked to Clara and it just took my mind off things for a while so the keeping yourself busy thing does work…. I think you will get what you want in the end but it may take you some time but then again set some boundaries for yourself… do the tools and have your talk when it is time and you will see a change. You already said that he has been good for the past few months. Look at the title of the blog… The TRUTH is sexy.. While he is gone write down what you are feeling and go from there.. Open you heart and find your truth and tell him.. If you cry in front of him just cry… all of this is coming from your heart…

  69.  #69Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 11:37 am

    TW…thank you so much. I am so glad that you are doing so great and I am SO PROUD of you! You sound so much stronger and happier in YOU and that is definitely something to celebrate! 🙂 I wish I could give you a huge hug!! As far as Charles goes…you are right. I am just feeling so sad today for some reason…..perhaps it is that I am going into the new year with things being the same or …I don’t even know really. I just feel so sad today. I know taht I feel sad that Charles left to back onthe road today. I am not sure when he will be home but with things being so rough work wise for him these last few months I know that he is going to be working alot more incouding most weekends. Ihave gotten used to him being home alot more and that was so nice…I loved it so I am sad that he will be gone now ALOT more. Not only that but it does make me sad to think that when he is out there on the road more those are the times that he has made really bad choices in getting onto those websites and that scares me too. Things really ahve been so good lately and I don’t want that to end but then again I just can’t keep going like this and not be able to tell him what I am feeling, needing and wanting. I know taht he knows taht I want us to get married and I certainnly don’t want to pressure him but I can’t wait for him forever. You said that you DO think that I WILL have what I want with him and so many other people have said the same thing but that it will likely take me either moving out for him to get it or me telling him how I feel about things…including how hurt I have been over the things that he has done…feeling so betrayed and decieved over us not getting married when we were supposed to and him overall taking the attitude that EVERYTHING is HIS way period…no discussion…just ‘this is how it is going to be’. I really want to tell him how I feel but I can’t. There is never a time when he wants to talk and he certainly never makes a time for me to tell him anything…well..I take that back..I can tell him on a commercial but that’s it. Even this morning I really tried to tell him that I felt sad that he was leaving and that I wished that I could go with him on this trip but he started to joke around about stuff and so I stopped and went on joking with him. It was clear that he did NOT want to talk about anything the least bit serious. I KNOW that I need to concentrate on me but it is SO HARD when I have NO friends here to go and do stuff with and I do go to the mall every now and then but that is it. I go to the gym but that is only 2 hours out the day. I am trying so hard to work on ME and get my focus OFF of him and what is going to happen here. Not only that but he got a text page from this woman in Texas last night that he does not know that I know about. heis not seeing her but she had sent him an email several months back telling him how much she cared and wished she could give him more. It is clear that they had talked on the phone and that she cares about him but they have never even met!! I know that for sure but it scares me that she text paged him last night. I am sure that it was to say Happy New Year but I am also quite sure that she does NOT know about his fiance’ (ME) that lives with him! That bothers me so deeply TW and I can’t seem to get it off my mind. He asked me the other day if I trust him and I told him that the more that HE shows me that I can…the more that I do and that feels so good. That was my exact answer. I am just simply feeling sad today about pretty much everything. I am HAPPY though that you are doing so great and feeling so much better. Thanks TW and know that I love you girl!! XOXOXO

  70.  #70alias girl on January 2, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    hang in there cassandra. there is no doubt in my mind that this year will be different than last year. one way or the other.

    two things came to mind
    1) you can start working on a speech
    2) once you are ready you can literally make an appointment with charles. tell him you really want to share something with him. tell him it’s nothing bad. you just want to share your feelings and it will probably take about fifteen or twenty minutes. when is a good time for him? that way you are respecting his schedule and time needs and he can respect your need to have a chat.

    what do you think?

  71.  #71TW on January 2, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Cassandra- I know that you are sad but if you look back at some of my post, I had my down days too. I too was crying and not knowing how I really felt about anything but I pick myself up and start all over again…. That is just the mind frame you have to have about that. I do not have time normally to really hang out either but there are things that I go and do by myself like take a love bath, get a pedicure, get my hair done. There are plenty of ladies there to keep you entertained for a little while. It’s not like you can go anywhere with your hair half done or your feet wet so strike up a conversation with the person next to you and go from there. I am not shy at all so that is not hard for me to do at all but some people are so that is totally up to you on that one. I also work in a field where I get to meet all kinds of new people and I have been doing this for 10 years so it is kinda my nature to get out and meet people. Watch a movie.. That takes up a little time… Lifetime always helps me out. You are going to get where you need to be but you have to get your power back… I know it is hard but you have to say to yourself that you are important and that HE needs to listen to you and take your feelings into consideration. Just tell him what is on your mind. All of the stuff that you just post is a start. He is so accustomed to you coming to him that he has absolutely no reason to come to you… I just learned that myself and you see how it turned out for me. At least I am getting more contact and that is really what I wanted anyway. I have not had the chance to have my power speech but I am waiting for him to initiate a visit and then I will say something to him but I will let him know everything it is he needs to know and then I will let him deal with it and process it on his own..

    Alias girl- You are right.. He makes time to do everything else so he should make time to talk to her. Its not like they do not live in the same house and all….

  72.  #72Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    AG & TW…..I LOVE your idea. Thanks! I already have a BUNCH of stuff in the back of my mind that I feel that I need to tell him and am working those things into the ‘I feels’ and the ‘I don’t wants’. I am a bit reluctant to use the ‘I wants’ because I don’t want to come across with even an ounce of blame or accusations or have him walk away from our time to talk feeling as though he has done something wrong…even though there are things that he has done IN THE PAST that have deeply hurt me I want to be about the NOW and the FUTURE and not all about what he has done wrong. I do think that he has really been trying and that has been wonderful and I make sure to tell him that all the time…how much I appreciate it and how much it means to me. He never seems to have any reaction whatsoever but I also realize that we don’t react to things the same way….he could get on the road feeling so happy that I DO appreciate him and what he is doing to work on things..who knows?! 🙂 I do need to write all of the stuff down though that is in my head so that I can go over it several times and make sure it is in feeling messages and I would also like to post it here so that you guys can all help me to make sure that I am on track…if that’s ok? 🙂 I do have a question though…there is SO MUCH stuff that I need to get off my chest…how do I tell him everything that I need to say and not have him get overloaded? There is ALOT that I feel that I need to tell him because I have not really told him how I feel about most things that have gone on and about our ‘timeline’ if you want to call it that. I know taht men get overwhelmed really easily about relationship and emotional stuff but there is a great deal that I need him to know about how I feel about things. How do I make it so that he can HEAR waht I am saying? I will use all feeling messages but is that all I need to do?

    Thanks again guys! Love you both! XOXO

    Oh…one thing that I saw in Roris’ letter yesterday was this…..
    “When I finally realized that what I was doing
    to bring this man – a man I’d been SO SURE of –
    closer to me and closer to wanting to commit to me, I tried something different.” I SO WANT to do things differently this time. I have always believed that Charles is ‘the one’ even with all that has happened…I still feel that way deep down in my heart…I still feel SO SURE of that so I don’t want to screw this up. My Reconnect program should be here soon so that will help too I think. 🙂 Thanks again. xoxoxox

  73.  #73alias girl on January 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    hmmm… well i’m definitely not the one to give suggestions regarding speeches. i think you spoon feed it to him a couple of lines at a time. add a ‘what do you think?’ and then really truly listen to what he has to say at level 2 listening.

    also, have no agenda and let go of results.

    i think i am going to order the reconnect too. it’s either that or the commitment blueprint. i can’t decide. you know, it’s a difficult choice since i’m not actually IN a relationship.

  74.  #74TW on January 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Alias girl- I am not IN a relationship either but the programs work for any situation and it will teach you what to do. I have the commitment blueprint and it helped me with my situation because it showed me what I was thinking was all wrong and what I needed to do about it. I want the reconnect your relationship one next since he is coming around little by little…

    Cassandra- I agree with alias girl. If you feel like you have a lot on your mind them just give it to him in increments.. You can always work it into casual conversation as well because I do all the time..

  75.  #75Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    AG….great advice with regard to HOW to talk to him…..thanks. That was pretty much exactly waht I was planning in addition to using all feeling messages. rori had actually recommended that I start with Reconnect. If I remember correctly I thought that she said that it had a lot of the ‘basics’ in it. I was going to start with that one anyway because of all that has been going on in my relationship but it turns out that it is the right for me to start with anyway. I am excited because it sounds as though it is more about ME being ok with ME both in and outof a relationship so that will help me tons. 🙂 TW….thanks. I do try every once in a while to work it into regular conversations but it is clear when I do that that he does NOT want to talk ‘serious stuff’ so I let it go for the time being. Thjat right there is part of my problem..I don’t see to it that MY feelings and needs, wants, etc. are heard. That is MY fault not his and I am totally aware of that. That is another reason that I am so excited about Reconnect. I hope that it helps me like it has other ladies here. I am seeing so clearly that yes…he has done some things taht have been horrible but my insecurities and fears are my BIGGEST problem…not what he has or has not done. He isNOT the beall end all of life and until I can get free and safe and accepted and loved…every minute of every day..then nothing will change for me and that is why I am SO EXCITED about getting my first program!! It can’t come soon enough. I remember when Clara ordered her first one and how excited she was…I feel the same way! Eventually, I want ot have them all but I have to start little by little. 🙂 Thanks again guys! XOXOX

  76.  #76Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Ok…so here is something totaly silly…Charles is working tonight which rarely happens but he is so I am on my own for tonight and possibly tomorrow night…we have no idea when he will be home…so I am going out with a new girlfriend that I met right before Thanksgiving. I don’t know much about her yet but she seems like a really nice person and is the cousin of one of our other friends that we hang out with together…Charles and I and he and his wife and their kids. So anyway….we are going to dinner to a palce where Charles and I go all the time on the bike so I know a few people there and the owner is another friens of ours. This is so stupid but I am actually kind of nervous to go out without Charles. HELLO!!! Before I moved here I was out nearly every night teaching Salsa dancing and knew alot of people in my old city so I could go to any Salsa club and feel totally comforatble because I knew so many people…even if just by face and not name but I felt so safe going out alone and having a great time so what the hell??? I am kind of afraid to go and have dinner with a new girlfriend??? I guess it is just becasue I have not been out alone on a Fri. or Sat. night…without him that it feels so weird to me now and not really in a good way. What is up with this?! It does not feel goood to feel this way at all. I will riff about this when I get home later on cuz’ I have to get ready to go but good grief have I fallen out of touch with reality or what? I feel so embarassed about feeling this way.

  77.  #77Caj13 on January 2, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    You know Cassandra, you actually answer your own wonderings in your posts. In a way, you have been out of touch with reality for awhile. I don’t mean this as any criticism, it’s just a description of how your present living arrangements appear to me, and apparently how you are experiencing them yourself. Nuff said – I’m looking forward to hearing about a totally fun, normal evening out with a girlfriend (like us, just maybe not so enlightened about “soup”). Have fun, sweetie.

  78.  #78TW on January 2, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Cassandra- Please do not over think having fun my dear… Once the conversation starts you will not even notice that Charles is not there.. Trust me. YOU need to think about you and not about him right now. Have yourself some fun…There is nothing wrong with that. I think you are just out of your comfort zone and that is strange for anyone ya know. You will get back into the groove. Ask her are there any dance classes around and maybe the two of you can do that together and have some fun shaking your booty!! 🙂 Love you and I want a full report…

  79.  #79TW on January 2, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Caj13- My thoughts exactly but did you ever think about the fact that Cassandra may be scared to step out of her zone and get comfortable for fear that she will have to move and leave her friends she made behind again. I thought about that after your post. I can see that she was a VERY social person prior to the move (not too many people I know would teach Salsa dancing) but once she moved and her relationship with Charles was not concrete and going as planned she seemed to close herself off and not get as comfortable as she was before. INTERESTING…. I think tonight will open her up to where she once was because she seems more prepared to step out. I am really proud of her for that. I am gald that she is getting out and at least attempting to have fun without Charles around… I know how she feels to not be able to let go. Sometimes I feel like I do nto even know who I am anymore or what in the world I want to do. I know that I want someone to love me and be there for me in a way that no man in my life has. I did not have a good relationship with my biological father and with my first husband either. Up until now, these were the only two men that I was disappointed in.. I guess that is why the things that my love interest does right now is hurtful because I used the word disappointed and I never thought that I would use that word while referring to him. It felt like a knife stabbing me in the back somewhat. I could once trust him so much that I would tell him any and everything that went on with me… After we stopped officially seeing each other we fell into the friendship trap but never lost the emotion. He is still able to care for and take care of me and my sons financially when needed. I feel betrayed by him sometimes like he doesn’t care.. All of my friends say that we are goign to end up together but my thoughts are how many more years of my life am I going to have to endure this. I am ready to not only hear the words from him but live them. I jsut want him to understand. I want to pick up the phone and jsut tell him all of this but I know that I can not. I text him earlier today (business purpose) but he did not answer and that was my que to not contact anymore. It will be okay in the end ya know… I am just impatient and not an expert at the tools so I know that it will take me some time…

  80.  #80Bebe on January 2, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Ok, Happy New Year everyone!
    I am doing a name change here because someone else changed their name to Tina, hope that is ok Rori.
    Cassandra I so feel every step and moment you describe for us. I was “Tina’ last time we spoke (before your surgery) and you so gently asked me to share my story I said I was in an absorbing mood and soaking u[p all the words from all you Goddess!
    I hope you have a grand time tonight, I feel your nervousness about going out with out your man, I have felt that too,
    I feel exposed because I also do not have an engagement ring, which makes me available to other men, so many times I did the good girl thing, held off. said I had a boyfriend etc.
    Anyway, TW I love your story/movie and how it is developing, Lin you seem to have arrived, Clara’s wisdom and she is younger than me! amazes me, everyone thank you so much. Rori Where would we be without you, still in murkiness I have Commitement Blueprint and Reconnect amazing how listening again and again with breaks in between I find/hear new stuff and power.
    Ok, I feel I am avoiding saying my truth.
    I have been with my guy 10 years now, no live in (I have a college bound child so would never live with man until child is living in college nearby next year)
    I want to get married/love him he is not perfect an overly manly man like TW says.
    I feel he loves me, says he can’t say it, does not want to get married, wants to be together forever, treats me well, plans trips 5-6 months ahead etc.
    When I stepped back bif time for 7-8 weeks, he wa calling, saw him, gave power speech though not totally just more of I wants he said things aboutn me movin when lease is up,etc. then backs down from them.
    Asked what I wanted for Xmas, I said diamond ring, acts like he is about to propose at anytime all the time, Chemistry always amazing, love making out of this world. Have fun, people always comment on how toghter/happy etc we look, total strangers I mean.
    Anyway, I feel dumb being with someone who won’t say/do what I truly want.
    When he said on New Years’ Eve he wasn’t capable of love and marriage (sound familiar Rori?) I was in my power in my feelings, Saying I feel worthy of a man loving and marrying etc. His body language and eyes
    scream love you, tells me I want to be with you forever, makes plans where to leave together 8 years from now.
    Sorry for rambling, I do not want to end it in anger or rage, feel I need to express a bit more of my heart to him and than major power speech “Ilove you, I feel passionate about a life together, I feel so turned on by you on every level, I feel I can’t handle going further without a commitement meaning ring and marriage.”
    Why has he stayed so long and always returned to win me over when things were rocky.
    I am so aware of how my vibe affects a situation and speaking truth my truth does open him up I am now telling him I love you and calling him out when he tries to get away with stuff in a humourous flirty way.
    If you saw me I feel I could have any man, just will focus on like Rori said getting on the horse and looking at what I want long terrm,
    I do not want to be in this situation again next year. He left at 10pm NY Eve because of his fear I believe “didn’t want me to think it meant anythibng” , meaning being together at midnight to him means love and marriage.
    Advise ladies? I know throw him out you are al lyelling, any hope he could have a breakthroug,
    I will open up and contribute, I feel I am just giving facts here.
    I soak up every word on every post, thank you for honesty and bravery, It feels scary and exciting to imagine meeting someone else who would get it right away about marriage, scared I may not find all other good qualities and comfort I have with this one.
    I have dated a bit, justed dinner etc. was not attracted to these men, am always open though and now more than ever.
    Love you all I feel I am not alone in my situation thanks

  81.  #81Tracy on January 3, 2009 at 1:40 am

    thanks Rori for this blog……its teaching me so much.i just turned 26 and am new in the dating scene and just came out of a really painful trying my best to move on and circular date and use some of your tools.
    I hope to get a good man i can settle down with but for now i want to enjoy my self and actually explore my feelings and find myself.i think thats what has been missing all along.

  82.  #82Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 4:49 am

    Hey, Bébé – Sounds like you really have a lot of this stuff down, and not even afraid to dish it out in the soupy form it comes in! (I’m sure that’s the best way – like homemade piecrusts, the greatest are the ones that crumble apart already in the serving plate). It’s true Rori says to take what men say at face value, but she also tells us we can turn around the most hopeless situations. This guy has had 10 years of being able to Count on You no matter what he doesn’t say or doesn’t do, so he’ll have to unlearn that experience (with your non-help). I’d say Step Up the Stepping Out – take full advantage of your attractiveness to men and willingness to circular-date (so many women have a problem with that, so this is one hurdle you don’t have to jump). Most may be duds, to borrow AG’s word, but that’s practice for Mr. Right and also Mr. Current’s duddiness. C’mon, what kinda crazy-making is that? – won’t see in the New Year with you but makes plans for 8 yrs hence!!!!? So keep up the feeling messages (maybe some of those lite flirty ones should be more heart-felt). Your feelings really are being short-circuited by his mixed messages, you really are fed up with waiting, you really do experience desperation beyond the exasperation. In the meantime, we are cradling you in our arms, Bébé – just give yourself a hug to really feel it.

  83.  #83Bebe on January 3, 2009 at 6:04 am

    Thanks sp much for reply, I love the hugging self tool. I am very touchy feeling, I squeeze myself so tightlt it feels so good, like I am loving my little girl within to protect her and console her. I baby talk to her and tell she is worthy of the best.
    Yes you are absolutely right about the crazy making mixed messages. but I feel he is the one who is mixed up about things. Knows we have zero obstaclesin regards to trust etc,
    I do want m,arriage can now say it and through Rori and even say I love you to him, look him in the eye and send him off, this feels like power to me,.and feel free about outcome.
    Eight years from now wants us to live in California and Montana in summer etc. wants us to go to Europe in 6 months , he always pays for everything this I know is one of his ways to show love giving these things.
    I feel like turning him around with a kick to the bottom push him out the door and say come back when you have a ring etc. Lol!
    Anyway just feeling disappointed and mad. what crazy bull is that NY eve!
    Why have I settled for so little other women have gotten married have homes now etc. I want that too.

    Anyway you are right Caj13 about adding feeling messages more, I too can go into my head and just follow his lead , working on ignoring that and staying in my girl moment. Will express more to him tomorrow.
    My dilemma is two fold.
    I also feel like giving up and slamming door in his face – or maybe just going deeper within myself and using all of feminne energy power and Rori’s tools and speeches, with him and everyone all the while still getting on horse and heading into the unknown,
    Like having my cake and eating it too!! Don’t men do that all the time.
    I feel angryand hopeless and still feel optimistic, this is one of my bad things perhaps, Feeling and being playful, sweet, easy going, always trusting the best of people, naive perhaps, being ageless feel timeless both in self and life
    I know this look like great qualities but have held me back. I want to feel more demanding, bitchy, not care about some one else’s feeling, not see their good qualities before their bad ones, not put love first, use people. Ok not that last one Just have a yucky day yesterdaty not getting what I want, feel lonely
    I feel blessed to0 have found you all please we will hold each others hands as we go forward
    Cassandra how was your night?
    Love to all of you!

  84.  #84Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 6:07 am

    Some further thoughts on “calling him out in a humourous flirty way”, and why it won’t get you what you want, except with having the garbage taken out – once in a awhile. This is something that French women have nailed – a big part of their world-famous, well-deserved rep for “charme”. Everyone loves it – the wit flatters both brains, the flirting titillates, and you share a good laugh. But for him, it stops there, he’s off the hook and “Maman” treated him like a grownup. But “Maman” is convinced she was playing Femme Fatale. Well, the world has caught up with Frenchmen in the cheating dept., and France has caught up with the world in divorce, so their’s is not the way to go to Have the Relationship you Want. (I think French women are so overfunctioning (while appearing as cool as ice, as hot as hell and still cook like 4-star chefs) that they are exhausted and bitter when the breakdown comes. Contrary to elsewhere, they are unlikely to remarry. The men do, of course, they know a good thing when they see it ….in hindsight.) It doesn’t hurt to be clever elsewhere, but: Real Feeling Messages when it’s our Feelings on the line.

  85.  #85Bebe on January 3, 2009 at 6:25 am

    I felt floored by your insight. You are so right, maybe doing that the flirty light words is my way of avoiding the deeper feelings and issues and my fear of rocking the boat. I always tend to play it lightly in other areas at times to like at work, with friends.
    Want to slow it down, absorb it speak slower and be in the truth with my feelings. This is what I mean about my dilemma, I am still learning .
    Learning is forever in life . I just wish I had learned what I am finally getting 20 years ago.
    I do also get what you mean about French women, I am of European descent, Mediterrean, women raised to always be sweet, man is always right etc.
    Our feminine Goddess way feels the best.\

  86.  #86Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 7:02 am

    Bebe..I am so glad to hear from YOU!! First of all, I think tha you are doing a great job. This whole relationship thing is hard work because most of us have to completely rewire what we were taught for most of our lives and we need to learn to think differently. I agree with Caj in taht you totally seem to have so much of this stuff down pat! Celebrate that! it IS a big deal and it is for YOU not him or anyone else although HE will reap the benefits. 🙂 YAY for you!!!! I have to agree with Caj also on the calling him out in a flirty way thing…..I have also tried that and while it certainly does lighten the mood and get things back on track for HIM…I am ALWAYS left feeling that my message was delivered however not signed for and received! LOL They don’t get it. I think that those things too have to be conveyed in feeling messages and the ‘I don’t wants’. I am really trying to use them for everything…including things like plans for what we will do in any given evening and so far so good. I am going to stick to what works and what he seemingly understands and responds positively to. I would suggest that you try to move toward that and try to leave the flirty messages for fun times. Let us know though how that goes. I am glad that you are doing so well and coming to realize that YOU deserve the whole package! Lots of love and hugs to you…..

  87.  #87Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Ok…so an update on last night. First off, the aquaintance that I had dinner with last night is a relative of a friend of ours. She is a very sweet lady with a LOT of wisdom and seems to be a really wonderful person. I can definitely see us having a really great friendship. I wasn’t nervous about going out with her..she is very sweet but I was nervous about going out without Charles. Just like you all said…I did end up having a wondeerful time. We went tothis place where they have AWESOME food and Charles and I go there alot so I felt somewhat at home and that was good. We did have a great time. After dinner we came back here to our house and talked for a while about different stuff and I admit that I felt really good to have done something last night for ME! Most of dinner we talked about decorating her house and ours and I am so into that kind of stuff and you guys are so right on…I really didn’t think much about Charles at all until later on. That was a nice respite! I never thgouht that would happen but it did and it was quite freeing. I feel good this morning and am going out today to do more stuff for ME. He may or may not be home tonight -w e won’t know until later on today but no matter what he is doing…I am doing for ME today. The house is clean and laundry done so there is nothing that i need to get done here….and yes I take care of all of that but I DO enjoy taking care of those things and with him on the road all the time and me home right now I want to feel as though I am contributing something…so taking care of all of those things makes ME feel good. But they are done so I get to do what I want to do all day today. I feel like a little girl going to a tea party or birthday party…thinking what am I going to wear or do today? It feels good to me right now. I love you guys and hope that your day is what each of you WANT it to be. XOXOXO
    Love and hugs….
    Ps..TW you also hit on something when you said that I have been afraid to get close to people here not knowing where I will end up. That has definitely been a part of things as well. Love you Girl!! XOXOX

  88.  #88Bebe on January 3, 2009 at 7:19 am

    You rock! Thank you, Many times I feel like what am I doing wrong in life, we all feel like that I guess.
    The feeling messages I must soak into my body on my own today especially, and you are right about the flirty stuff it doesn;t get the job done deep inside.
    Cassandra, Caj and everyone I held back revealing stuff before because I expected to hear ‘what 10 years together, dump him etc’ I felt what an idiot this woman must be etc., would be in your thoughts
    ,This is advice many friends have said/do say. I feel this site and all you are my most secret blessing.
    Cass, I have followed your lows and highs, you are amazing to be so open. In a way I see you as a herione, you have made amazing progress.
    TW I vwas so happy for you, when your LI wrote down I love on your calendar, how I wish mine could verbalize it .
    Hugs to you all, I feel brighter already!

  89.  #89Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Bebe…thank you Love….so do YOU! 🙂 I just know that for me, the feeling messages FEEL right and convey clearly what I feel about something taht he has done or not done…said or not said, etc and it is all about what I am feeling without accusing him of anything or blaming him. I like that and it does feel good to me when I use them. Ia m trying to use them ALOT. About you guys beiung together for 10+ years….that is all about what is ok for YOU. No none else has the right to judge what you do or don’t don’t do. You need to do what you feel is right for YOU no matter what anyone else thinks, says, does or feels about it because it is not about them. Iknow firsthand that everyone here TRULY wants what is best for you and for YOU to be the one to make those decisions. This is truly such an amazing group of loving, caring, supportive women and I have NEVER felt such love and acceptance but I also understand how you feel. Sometimes I wonder if you guys think I am nuts for still wanting to be with Charles but I also am FINALLY learning that that is for ME to decide and everyone here simply wants you to be happy and free to be YOU…completely. That is one of the most awesome gifts you could ever recieve. You guys all ROCK!!! Thank you so much for your compliments and encouragement Bebe…I cried when I read your post. I am just trying to learn as much as I can so that I will reach that wonderful place of being free to be ME and love everything about it. I am trying so hard to change what needs to be changed. Everyone here is a blessing beyond what words could ever express. I love you guys.

  90.  #90Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 8:44 am

    “Have their cake and eat it, too”, leaving more or less generous crumbs. What we need to realize is that Money is relatively Cheap – you can’t eat it or FEEL IT’S LOVE. So a decent guy, depending on his means, will gladly spend on a cake (to eat as much as he likes and leave the rest, but not to give away or even bother sharing) or a European vacation with the most marvelous companion one could imagine, who’ll ALWAYS be on her best behavior, because nothing obliges him to get her all the way home if things go awry and he remains free to deal with her….or not. Let’s get roiling, ladies!

    I sure wish I Knew this stuff 20-30 years ago, too. Even now I have all the hope in the world and yet I’m still responding (tho’ less and less) from the same mould as you Bebe, of niceness and denial.

  91.  #91Bebe on January 3, 2009 at 9:10 am

    You hit it on the head about the cake thing. Though about the money, I support self and child.
    I also feel turned off if a man thinks he can pas\y for my time and prescence. That is why I never took advantage of men who I .ve dated and had no true feelings for.

    He won’t even let me pay for a bottle of water when we are out. His masculine generousity is genuine. When my vacum broke, he went out on his own and bought me top of the line one. Just one example of hundreds This is just him, feels good to never worry about anything physically or financially when we are together. He fixes things in my place etc.
    I have a good man a giver here a masculine giver who gives what he wants when he wants. I must raise Degree of Difficulty
    He ofthen says “I am so lucky to have you”
    No more fakey niceness, though I never feel it is fake, I just let thiongs roll of, No more denial, He had asked me to call him at work yesterday to make plans for night,
    I was feeling mad, connfused etc. phoned him at 7 pm or so
    I heard anger in his voice, ‘never heard from you today’ I now know this is good from Rori. I t is all straight feeling messages.
    I will be stepping up the going out Caj13 thanks for your honesty.
    Cassandra, thanks for gentle understanding, Honestly it feels like 4 years, we have gone to at least four weddings in that time of friends that have gotten divorced. He tells me he will always be here not going anywhere. But I WANT THAT RING AND MARRIAGE COMMITEMENT ,
    Whew that felt good.
    Girls you are opening up to so many better things, I flower hug you all tightly.
    I need you as I and we all go forward.

  92.  #92Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Bebe….I am thrilled that he treats you so well in those other things but you totally deserve to have the whole thing! Have you thought about a power speech? That may be something to think about so that you can be clear to him about what you want without accusing him or blaming him in any way. Just a thought. 🙂
    Love and hugs….

  93.  #93Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I feel angry again right now and that feels like shoulders all scrunched up and my back all tight and tense…I love my shoulders and my back and I love that they are all tight and tense because like the rest of my body they are trying to protect me…why is everything trying to protect me…..I am not in the jungle surrounded by hungry animals or something……why is it that my entire body is trying to protect me… I love that it is protecting me though……thank you shoulders and back and lungs….I feel angry and tense that Charles is coming home tonight…and that feels like falling back into a fluffy mattress only to find that it is concrete and not soft and welcoming but hard and really hurtful….in the past I have ALWAYS wanted him to come home and that always felt exciting and happy but somehow tonight is different..i feel tense and on edge about him coming home…I feel that I will be made again to feel ‘less than’ or a bother….all day I have been feeling that my energy has been drained by him lately even though things have been going so well for several months..I feel drained….that feels like that saran wrap again…like me and that tree are stuck together again and I can’t breath… whole body is tight and tense….I feel like a just want to disappear for a little while…..I feel so angry and betrayed and today I have not even LIKED Charles at all..I have really not like him at all today….that feels like getting on HIS harley and driving until I can’t drive anymore and having him come home and we are both gone….me and the Harley…gone…….I haved loved him today..yes but I have not liked him today..he has not done anything or said anything ….I just don’t like him today…where is this all coming from…things have been so great lately so where is this coming from? My whole body is getting more and more tight and tense the more I write and I feel drained…I am so tired and feel like I want to go lay down but I have stuff to do so I can’t….I want things to be how they USED TO BE..I want to feel good again.I want to feel that he can’t wait to hear my voice or come home to me…he takes me for granted and even tells me that I need him and that makes me mad….and that feels like throwing something or dumping a trash can over his head..where did THAT come from?! I don’t want to do that! I want MY feelings to matter to him and to ME for that matter and that would feel so good to matter to think of what I need for a change. I am trying to put ME first and that feels good like being on the Harlye with him enjoying a beautiful ride and being free. I am trying to get there…to learn that my feelings DO matter that this is NOT a one man show or one sided thing even though HE thinks that it is and should be and acts as though it is…no wonder he has been single most of his life….no one else would put up with what I have….what the heck has brought all of this one today? Nothing bad has happened but I just feel so mad right now.

  94.  #94Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    It’s because You have made some things happen right, so you’re feeling the difference.

  95.  #95TW on January 3, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Caj13 is right… you stepped out of your comfort zone and now you are feeling the difference because that is something new to you. Just keep being you and you will feel more natural.. I was thinking about something today and I want to run it by you guys… I have only been disappointed in two people in my life and that is my father and my ex husband but now I am disappointed in my love interest and that is so hurtful. I have not heard from him since Thursday and that is ok if that is how he wants to be because I am not picking up my phone and have had a very busy day with my boys. I just really want to say to him I am really disappointed in you. Is that ok? It is the truth but does it sound blaming. I think about him every day but it does not seem as though he thinks about me at all because he doesn’t call or anything. It is like he does just enough to keep me hanging on but I do not want to go through that anymore. I want him to think about me every day all day. He doesn’t have to talk to me all day but a call or two to say I miss you or I was thinking about you is all I want. Maybe dinner sometimes or something. He has not really spent any real time with me in the past two weeks and that is craziness. I have plans for this Friday already though. A friend and I are goign to the movies and I will be busy a portion of my Saturday morning too and plan to go out that night as well. I am not going to sit around and wait anymore and see how it feels to him. I wonder if he has even noticed that I stopped calling him.

  96.  #96Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    What I meant about the money is that it cannot be compared with sharing oneself or committing oneself. Money can be a way of showing one’s generosity, of course, or lack of thereof, but it’s also a way of maintaining power OVER, and too often this material generosity becomes a stand-in for intimacy, at least partially. And we women too often give too great a value to his money (status, profession etc.) to the detriment of our own needs. We hold back or feel indebted or are in awe of his ‘sacrifice’/material generosity and compare it, abusively, to the gift of self. Of course, I do not prone being ungrateful or spurning gifts. Just beware the subtle and not-so-subtle Money Traps like we are of the Girlfriend Trap.

  97.  #97Tracy on January 3, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    wow………just reading all these comments from u ladies just inspires me……
    cj ur comment about the french women is so hilarious but true…….i feel i’ve finaly found the advise and inspiration i’ve been looking for.i’m the kind of person who tries to seek or look for answers when i don’t understand something.well dealing with men has been a constant confusion in my life.I now feel i can express myself and put in use the feeling messages i’ve learned to say exactly what i want
    I’ve always felt short changed in all my past relationships.i felt that i always gave more than i received.its so amaizing to to be able to share this with people who understand and can identify with that.i feel relieved that am letting it all out.i feel happy that i can love myself and be happy with me.
    bebe…i’am inspired by your story and your proves that we can all make it in love and finally have the relationships we want but most important be happy with feels so liberating.thanks guyz for such inspiring stories.

  98.  #98TW on January 4, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Hello ladies- I am having a down day.. This is day three with no contact from my LI but you know what ??? I am growing tired and I do not know whether or not I can take much more of this. Do I love him? Of course, but I need to love myself too. I do not like crying over someone that doesn’t even think enough of me to pick up the phone and say hello…What if something happened to me…Would he be there? Would he even bother or am I just somehting that he has just grown accustomed to have around but is falling n love with another…. I do not know how much more I can take of this at all….. Is it really even worth the trouble. I have on a t shirt that he gave me about a year ago and I feel like this is the only thing that I have left of him… I do not understand how you can tell someone that you love them and then go on with life like that person does not exist… Why do I have to try so hard with him doing nothing for me… Today I did not even have the energy to get up and go to church.. My faith means so much to me and to know that I have gotten so low that I can not even go and worship makes me feel ill…. What is happening to me… Why am I letting this happen to me.. I know Rori said that it would be hard but I never imagined it to be this hard… I feel like a part of me is dying and I put a DNR order on that portionof myself. I never imagined my life without him in it and today was the first time where I really just wanted to turn my back on him and just walk away… I don’t know if i have it in me to keep going… I have slept most of the day which is not like me at all except Saturdays… I normally go to church and have dinner with my family and then come home… I may give my power speech but then again I may jsut say goodbye… I am jsut so tired…

  99.  #99alias girl on January 5, 2009 at 2:41 am

    first i want to say i am filled with love for rori raye right now. what a beautiful place this is.

    bebe if i may add my two cents. first, i agree with cassandra that no one can judge another’s path. like you said you’ve seen people marry and divorce in the time you’ve been together with your guy. actually i would be very low on the list to judge esp with your 10 year no marriage situation bc i personally am not sure i want to get married. and mostly because i honestly do not think i could tolerate the heartbreak of divorce. that amongst a slew of other reasons all having to do with fear. (or most not all)

    from what youlve described your guy sounds like a really good guy. minus the mixed messages, the waffling and the bailing out on new year’s eve. (?!)

    so like caj 13 said he seems pretty secure in the relationship. you’re there 100% despite what he doesn’t say or doesn’t do. you on the other hand do not have the luxury of that same security. which is probably why you no never mind that last half thought. it’s not accurate. but i can’t go back and erase bc i’m typing from my phone and it might erase the whole thing.

    so my point is maybe add a dose of compassion who may just be afraid to commit. BUT also one hundred percent i am with rori on this process of keep dating until the man steps up. this is YOUR life. your dreams. your desires. your self love. you deserve to have your desires fulfilled. period. if he cannot do the job well then sorry it’s been nice i must open myself up to men who may want more similar things that i do.

    however there is big risk in this as well. right? you could lose him forever.


    i don’t know if this was worth anything i just felt compelled to respond. xoxo

  100.  #100Tracy on January 5, 2009 at 3:23 am

    TW my heart goes out to u.just hug urself and let the feelings flow……….i believe that things are becoming more clearer for you and i feel happy that you are finding your way.I am still struggling but if others can make it so can we.Its all about realising your true worth and loving yourself that way u can be able to express it to others.I feel so happy and thrilled that your experience shows me that i am not alone and i can also make it.Keep struggling, you will get there.

  101.  #101Bebe on January 5, 2009 at 4:57 am

    Hi AG,
    Way too early need to get ready for work.
    But just had to say I am touched by your words and thoughtful compassion for both, He is terrified of being vunreable, of a woman havu=ing “power” over him which is how he interupts
    He was physically abuised by mother.
    Will add more later.
    Love and a huge hug AG! You are on your way, I feel it.
    Love all your posts and insights.

  102.  #102Bebe on January 5, 2009 at 4:58 am

    Meant to say how he perceivces love and marriage as being open to hurt.

  103.  #103Caj13 on January 5, 2009 at 6:20 am

    And yet VULNERABITY IS POWER! Real Power in both sexes, and not just in romance! Look at this fantastic quote I found in Time from a manufacturing expert of all things, John McDuffie, “The Toyota system…..’relies on contributions from employees. It FEELS VULNERABLE, but your willingness to be open to that vulnerability is what helps you MAKE IT WORK’ .” (my caps) ! Men cannot be their greatest, most powerful selves either until they’ve tapped into that source, and it practically never happens until they discover through a woman. (Sounds like a lot on our shoulders, but Goddesses CAN.)

    Reminder: ‘Boy’ power is Power Over; ‘Girl’ power is Personal Power

    Viva Vulnerability !

  104.  #104Caj13 on January 5, 2009 at 11:45 am

    TW – I read your other post today so I know things are looking up after you were feeling so down yesterday. You wrote then “I never imagined my life without him in it and today was the first time where I really just wanted to turn my back on him and just walk away”. This is a Tremendous Step to allow yourself this thought and just accept that it is true. A sad and momentous realization, so it’s normal that you hurt, body and soul, and need to tend to that suffering. I know you regretted your church service, but there are other forms of spiritual practice; your body/soul is also a temple to respect and worship in. Your life is like a journey so you Want it to be long. You naturally need rest along the way or you’ll never make it. It’s normal that when you’re climbing mountains, as now, it’s harder going to the point of pain, so you’ll have to rest longer or a little more often. However, remember the vistas you get up there, the clarity of vision – like nothing you ever see on the plains. Even if your aching feet remind you of the cost, those only become really clear when you stop to rest and savor them.

  105.  #105TW on January 5, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Caj13- Yes it was a breakthrough moment but the truth is I do not want to live my life without him in it but I can not control his feelings towards me only my feelings towards him you know. I think it is a situation of comfort. He text me this morning and told me to have a nice day and that he loved me but these are baby steps. I must wait it out and see if he is being truthful or if this is just a game…. I do not think he would tell me that he loves me if he did not but when people get desperate they tend to do anything. We will see how it plays out and then go from there. I have not been giving him my energy though and I will not until he shows me that HE wants to do better and that I am what HE wants and stop playing those games. Right now I think he sees it as a game because I normally break down and go back into OVERFUNTIONING mode with him but this time I have held ground and have not budged and I know he feels something different between us. I still love him but I love me too…

  106.  #106Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    TW…..I hate that you were so down yesterday but I am glad that you seem to be in a better place today. I really think that until you tell him how you feel…until you give him your power speech you may continue to feel these deep ups and downs..the same goes for ME Love so that is why I am telling you what I am thinking on this. I was with a new acquaintence friend on Friday night and we were talking about men and the whole relationship thing. I told her bits and pieces of my story and she said to me that by not telling him how I REAlLY feel that I am not being fair to either of us in that I ahve not given HIM the chance to make a decision based on the NEW INFORMATION meaning YOUR FEELINGS and mine. They can’t make any decisions yet or make any moves yet because they don’t know that anything is different. That hit me like a ton of bricks and she is so right. I think that you will feel so much better telling him how you feel because then you are #1 – being true to YOU and #2 telling him what you truly feel thereby allowing him to step up for you. Perhaps you LI does not even know how much you care about him and what it is that you want. Sometimes they have to be hit over the head with a 2×4 to finally get it. I personally have not told Charles yet how I feel because in my situation given the fact that he has told me so many times over and over and over that he is not ready for us to get married but that we will ….someday…I don’t think that my feelings will change anything. I think that for me telling him how I feel will be the end of our relationship and I am so not ready for that. I could be wrong but I don’t think so as he is sickenlingly prideful and really believes that I need him so I reallydon’t think I am wrong on that. I hope I am pleasantly surprised. For you though it is different. I think that you should really pray about doing your power speech sometime soon…if anything to release your own spirit from these deep ups and downs. I know how tiring that is and I hate that you are dealing with that. I think that YOU will be pleasantly surprised. Love you!! XOXOX

  107.  #107Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Oh…sorry ….1 more thing….I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR LOVING YOU TW!!!!!! Please remember how far you have come Love and celebrate that. You are such an inspiration to so many…including ME!! XOXOX

  108.  #108TW on January 5, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Cassandra- That was so sweet of you to say but the only reason that I am able to keep my head up and go on is because I have some beautiful women in my corner. i love you all and you all are my source of strength…

  109.  #109TW on January 5, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Cassandra- Charles really does not know what he has… For his sake I hope he steps up to the plate because a man would love to snatch you up and quick. He may feel as though you are dependent on him because you live with him and stuff but I will tell you a story. My love interest and I were only friends at the time all of this happened but this is when I figured out that I loved him beyond friendship. My ex husband as you know was very abusive and would owrk off and on so I was the primary breadwinner and had the kids and him and the household to worry about. He NEVER thought that I would leave him because I NEEDED him in my life. Well what I needed was a MAN and had a boy in myhouse. One day he got mad at me and packed his clothes and went to stay with his mother for the weekend. Well I was fed up and called my LI and asked his advice and would he help me and the kids move so that I could get away from him. I was out of that place by Sunday and safe. he cared enough about me to make sure that I was okay and I was. I was so scared of being alone at first but it got easier. I was worried about money and stuff but GOD provided and since then I have a better job and practically everything I want with the exception of my LI so let Charles sit there and play the fool just like my ex did and he came home to an empty house. I guess now you see why I have such a bond with my LI and it is so hard for me to let him go… Love you and NEED only you. Let him think you need him but truth be told the only man you need in life is Jesus and if worst comes to worst HE will always make sure you are taken care of. Trust me on that one…

  110.  #110Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Thanks TW. YOU are definitely right and I can totally understand why you feel so connected to your LI. I think that the reason that I feel so connected to Charles is that I gave up everything for him and moved here to a city that I never thought of coming to until he asked me to come here to be his wife. if I had not given up my entire life then I am not sure that I would feel this way. He has told me many times that I need him and that bothers me but I have also countered that with letting him know that there very well come a day when he will come home from being on the road and me and my things will be gone and the house will be empty and cold like it was before I got here. Isay it jokingly but there is most certainly a hint of seriousness in my tone. He however does not think that I will ever leave him. This is exactly why I do not see him turning things around and having us get married before I have to move. He totally thinks that I DO need him and will never leave our relationship no matter what he does or does not do. How wrong he is. Yes…right now I am dependent on him until I can find a good job and my own place but what he does not know is that if I do have to move then I am planning to move on with my life….without him. my fear however is that he WILL indeed figure out what he has but that he will figure it out AFTER I have either signed a lease or physically moved. That would break my heart because if I have to go thru the pain and emotional suffering of having to leave him and our home….which will hurt me so much…. for him to figure it out then I will never ever allow myself to be in another situation like that with any man…him included…again. THAT is the part that I am afraid of..that he may get it but that it would be too late.

  111.  #111Cookie on January 11, 2009 at 11:15 am

    I have a question and I hope someone will find it on here. So most of you guys know about my situation with my guy. He is giving signs and maybe even saying words. He said “he can do bad by himself” or “he doesn’t need a girlfriend, he likes me in his life but he doesn’t need me, he loves me, misses me, still sees me as his wife (but won’t bring up the topic of marriage ever since his first proposal)”. Sounds like he’s just trying to be my friend, if that. My friend told me to take these as signs to move on and do me. The past few days we have been distant and it triggers all type of stuff in me. I’ve been crying alot and dragging myself around, I got sick. I have all these feelings in me that I’m trying to connect to. I’m still having a hard time speaking them. I’m trying to relax and take my energy off of him but my heart is breaking and I’m so hurt. I’ve been with this man for 7 years and we’ve been through it all. I feel so disappointed that after all this time I’m living with my mom (she moved in with me) because we’re not moving forward. He invited me to move in with him at his mom’s house, I can’t live there. I want us to have our own life. I want to save so I can own my own piece of property. I can’t afford to this alone right now. I felt hopeful that now that he has the resources that we would be able to get our own place and have the life he promised me. But it’s not that way, he is pulling way, his focus is on himself, his goals, and I feel like I’m not in the equation at all. I don’t understand how focusing on himself means neglecting me, I’ve always pursued my goals and been committed to the relationship. My friend tells me that because he is starting a little later in life that maybe this is just his time to do him so he can finally feel good about himself. I agree and I want him to be happy but why can’t we enjoy these steps together. We started this journey into adulthood together when we didn’t have much to speak of, now that things are finally equalizing why does that mean that we can’t keep growing in each other presence. I feel in my heart that allowing him his space to grow and show up as my man in his own way when he is ready is what’s best for the relationship. But how do this without being resentful or fearful that once he has this space or this new toy that he won’t forget about me. I want to be patient with the process and go slow, feel my way through, and work on me. I really see this distance as an opportunity to redirect myself. I know making myself stronger and better will be good for any relationship i have now and in the future. But that’s the logical side of me talking. The emotional side is heartbroken and afraid, lonely, and raw. I feel its time for a Power Speech but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be friends with him, I want to love him and be committed to a healthy relationship. On the other hand, I’ve been wanting to see other people for a while but not sure how to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I’m jumping the gun that I should just see how this plays out, like maybe this won’t be as bad as I’m creating it in my mind. I feel like I sound like a weak and stupid woman. But I feel so bad right now though, what do i do?

  112.  #112Daria on January 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Hi Cookie,

    I would try riffing out the bad feelings… amazingly this works for me when almost nothing else does. It’s incredible how I can get to a good feeling in the end.

    The way it works is in Rori’s power and self esteem posts.

    Mostly you say something like “I feel so bad” Then look at where that shows up in your body as in ” I feel my head hurting on the left side and my tummy heavy” and then you say that you love that feeling or part “I love my hurting head and heavy tummy” and then allow that feeling to change… how does that feel? often it might feel like “I feel a little smile forming” and “I love my smile” and “that feels…”

    this really works even (especially) when you feel so down that it seems you must make a decision or “figure it out” Rori calls that “problem solving mode” and doesn’t want us to go into it…

  113.  #113Cookie on January 11, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    But I feel like I have to say something now for real. He is being such an ass instead of saying he doesn’t want to see me or cancel plans with me once he made them he picks fights with me so he can go do what he wants to do or not step up and say no. I feel like a fool. I feel like if I’m not saying anything than I am giving off the impression that it didn’t hurt me or I don’t care. Is that right? I have always heard that a man only treats you the way you let him, that you have to punish him and make him feel it if he hurts you. I know Rori says not to make the man wrong, that as a human he has a right to do whatever he chooses to do. And that I should use his behavior as a means of seeing where I am in this “relationship” with him. I got that. I know that I really don’t have to explain to him that saying he would go on a trip with me and then back out by being such an ass that I would go without him or inviting me to come to visit him and then ten minutes before it’s time for me to come decides to pick a fight with me so that I won’t come and he can do what he wants. I know that he knows that these are not appropriate ways to handle me. But he has done this all week, some variation of pulling out, and I wish he would just let it go, if his heart isn’t in it, then I wish he would just go and stop making excuses and talking shit cuz i don’t want to hear that he loves and misses me and then the one day he’s off to spend time with me, he blows me off. I want to do what I don’t ordinarily do, i feel so pissed that I was allowing myself to feel hopeful about the direction of our relationship. I feel so disgusted that despite the fact that he hung up on me, I called him. I feel judged when he says his mother is tough, like he is saying I am weak. (though the whole basis of our relationship has been me nurturing the void that his lack of relationship with his mom created) I feel foolish, stupid that i chose to continue sharing my love and life with him even though when I met him he told me that it was all about him. I feel stubborn and egotistical to believe that I could love all his issues away. I feel spent and tossed aside. I feel like I’m not making as much progress as I should be making with Rori’s tools although I believe in them so much. I really don’t know what to do but I want more love for myself than this, I really do. I know he will call what do I say now that he has done this again. Please help me.

  114.  #114Tracy on January 11, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    i agree with daria,riffing realy helps i can attest to that from my own experience……….Just try letting out all the feelings that u have inside,don’t think about it don’t make any decisions,don’t try to look for explanations just feel the anger the frustration…..with time you will find the answers in those feelings and then you’l know the best way forward.It really works…

  115.  #115Caj13 on January 12, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Hi Cookie, I feel Daria’s and Tracy’s encouragements to actually riff – on here if you want to – will help you to Really Feel all those feelings in all their horribleness (and not just Think about/judge them). I feel a lot of beating yourself up, putting yourself down in what you wrote and that doesn’t feel good, does it? When you get all those feelings out and down, on paper or screen, in all their horrid details, they’ll actually be easing out of your body through your arms and hands. And as they spiral around within you, I feel you’ll find the words to say to your man (or any man) AS he is dissing, pushing you away, hurting you in any way. After riffing to a place where the feelings have dissipated a little and you feel better, the words will remain for you to use when you need them, that is in the moment of the offense. Armed with those words, you’ll also feel stronger, so that if you feel they are not enough for the situation or you just don’t want to bother with such nonsense, you’ll feel the strength to just walk away or turn around AND START DOING something TO PLEASE YOU. Many of your comments feel like Feeling Messages to Yourself – I feel like I just want to hug you and say SEE! Listen to your Siren: “I’ve been wanting to see other people for a while”! However, I feel the end of the sentence needs tweaking “but not sure how to bring it up” Make this About Yourself – how to start the process of seeing others (Diva-Dating) for you, and definitely NOT about him in any way, such as announcement or discussion. Just do it, lock eyes and smile, accept a coffee date – the details will work themselves out as you feel your way through them. Remember this is both therapy for your hurt and practice for all your relationships, including the most important one of all, with your vibrant Goddess Self.

    I can feel your disgust, confusion and shakiness about his behavior. I believe Rori said we’re likely to encounter his anger when we start “challenging” the status quo, and that this is actually a good thing (there was a post or 2 about it). Till now, his upset makes me feel really bad (to the point of paralysis, then overfonctioning to assuage his bobos) and yet, this compassion is misdirected: the whole problem is is only happening because We have been ignored, disrespected, wounded to the core and just can’t take it any more. As far as his discomfort or issues, that’s His problem, and he can deal with it as he may. We have far too much to do and be to take care of our maligned self. I feel he Cannot know how to do it (take care of us), unless he learns by observing us, and feeling our vibe as it improves with Tender Loving Care. *Hugs*

  116.  #116cookie on January 12, 2009 at 9:09 am

    You guys are right, I don’t know why I’m dragging my feet with the riff thing. I’m so getting all this stuff and I honestly am angry about his behavior but on the other hand I don’t really care. I’m tired of explaining and feeling bad. I’m ready to exercise my boundaries. I’m ready to decide what they are and trust them so I can be soft on the outside and invite many men to love me again. He called me and left a long message about how he wanted to see me and I was the one playing around. The whole reverse psychology nonsense. I don’t really want to respond to him at all right now. I will try this riffing thing. thank you guys for the feedback.

  117.  #117peggy on April 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    a friendship doesn’t feel good for me at this time in my life.I want more,a committed relationship,cherished and loved.I listen to your words and”Peg you deserve better than I give.”i feel sad, my heart loved your heart ,now I feel tired giving more than I should have.My soul longs to receive love from the universe and my heart ,Well I feel just yuck and I suppose this is a start