The Ultimate Feeling Message Date

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I just received this letter from Averie, and it’s such a testimonial to Circular Dating, and gives you so much HOPE – let it help you keep the wonderful, amazing things you’re doing:

“Hi Rori,

Since our last contact, I’ve made some amazing discoveries about myself and dating. I can’t wait to share with you all the amazing things I’ve been through…I thought you might want to hear a little story….

Recently, I’ve gone on a new date with a new guy. The dinner was great, the food was awesome, and I couldn’t stop smiling because I was so proud of myself and so into myself and be able to just listen to him, then talk.

After dinner, I offered to pay half the meal, the guy looked at me with total surprise, and said, “I would never do that to you, that would make you look unworthy.”

That was the first time a guy ever said that to me. Talk about MESSAGES. maybe I was insecure for a moment that I didn’t feel like I was worthy for a fancy dinner?? At least that’s what I originally THOUGHT.

I did not figure this out until like two days later, it hit me that that wasn’t the main reason why I did that. I just didn’t want to OFFEND him. And that really is a big issue for me because my ex was a toxic man, and he would do stuff just to “hurt” me because I offended him, he would try to teach me “lessons.”

Since then, I’ve been so burnt down that I couldn’t speak my truth for a long time. I would always live on this edge that “if I offend someone, he wouldn’t like me, or he would want to hurt me back.” this is the real message for me, once I realized that, it feels like I could just relax and so much relief..!!!!

And after dinner, we went to see “He’s Just Not That Into You.” During the movie, I was moved to tears because of what the guy in the movie said about vulnerability. He didn’t see that as “psycho” or “drama.” He seemed to open up to me more…not in words, in actions….it was raining outside, he took off his jacket and put it over my head, grab me into his arms as we walked to the car.

It felt like I was connected to myself in the movie, so he got connected to me, I FELT MY DEPTH, so he FELT MY DEPTH. it was all like magic. we just got connected, in a much silent way.

Just want to give you updates along my little journey and tell you how much I appreciate your effort in your work. and also feel free to use whatever I write:) it is because of you that opens a brand new door for me to see a brand new world. so THANK YOU. Averie”

Averie’s amazing experience just comes through her words.  It feels light, and easy, and yet Averie is talking about big-time feelings, old patterns, traumas that come up for her…and how so MUCH came up and got processed and made a huge DIFFERENCE.

You can do it too…you’re doing it right now…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Reshi on February 15, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Oh wow! Yay for Averie, that sounds so wonderful, and gives me hope. I can definitely relate to feeling so burnt down that I can’t speak my truth. I think the last time I spoke my truth, pre-Rori, was probably when I was 8.

    I want that magic to happen for me! And with a man that I FEEL something for. That would feel awesome.

  2.  #2Rick Boyer on February 15, 2009 at 1:30 pm


    I like your site and wanted to know if you would be interested in exchanging blogroll links.

    Thanks in advance

  3.  #3Daria on February 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I have a question about something Kelly wrote in an earlier post… here’s the part here…

    “Another thing I do EVERY day is to make sure I GIVE something…every day. I don’t always have the opportunity to give $$$ but I do always have the opportunity to give love and encouragement and kind words. For a long time I was closed off to people, for example, I would only speak to a friend if they called me first, I wasn’t the one reaching out and if no one called, then so what… that’s how I felt. I was closed and unapproachable and hurting and kind of empty. But then I remembered that I needed to give love in order to receive it, in order for the flow of love to come into my life from all directions and all kinds of people including men. So every single day I send at least one loving, encouraging, and heartfelt email to someone in my address book… if I go to bed at night and realize I forgot to do this I force myself to get up and out of bed and I go DO IT! The most amazing love has started to pour into my life because of this small effort I make each day… it FEELS so good and it’s changing my life!”

    I feel confused because on one hand I feel inspired to do the same, I feel the giddyness and pleasure of giving out love. On the other hand, I feel worried that that would mean I’m teaching my waterwheel to go out from me.

    I believe I used to send lots of love out to people and it felt good, I used to do it sometimes when it felt bad too however. This confuses me! It works so well for Kelly it seems!! Which is great and I really thank you Kelly for sharing this…

    I feel confused… is this the kind of radiating love? If we are making an effort for it isn’t it Giving out love energy… is this Giving Out actually good ?

    I had been feeling closed off to people when I stopped doing this, and felt really alone like Kelly says. Now this weekend things have started shifting and I’ve been hearing from people I missed, without my actually doing anything.

    I feel so confused on the giving love thing!!!! I used to be a big love giver (I think). What’s going on with this?

    Is it that Kelly feels so good that that’s what’s working for her? Is this boy energy used ina good way?

    Rori how does this work?

  4.  #4ABC on February 15, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    hey ladies,

    what do you guys think about nominating Rori to go on Oprah???

    don’t you think it’s going to be a great experience to share with the world??

  5.  #5Linda G on February 15, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    Hey ABC
    I feel so selfish about Rori, I’m afraid if she goes on Oprah, it will start a buzz that men will react negatively to, like when they came out with the book “The Rules”.
    Linda G

  6.  #6Reshi on February 15, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Hey Daria, I think we’re supposed to be giving love–just NOT to men! Like in the 100 men and out the window tool–the men give us the energy and then we give it out into the world.

    And I agree, I don’t want to share Rori…then I’ll have too much female competition!

    But now that I think about it…what if we did live in a world where ALL women loved themselves and REQUIRED men to treat us well in order to be allowed into our lives? Then the men would HAVE to improve themselves. Right now gorgeous women are putting men on a pedestal and they’ve come to expect such treatment.

    So hmmm, I’d have to say I agree, Rori should go on Oprah. I bet she could turn the whole world around.

  7.  #7cookie on February 15, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    I feel satisfied that if rori was interested in doing oprah she would. I feel a little concerned about exposing rori to the criticism of mass media, as when I have met many doubters when I have shared this info w people. I feel confident that when people r ready to hear n understand they will seek rori for themselves like we did.

  8.  #8ABC on February 15, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    hey guys,

    i kind of agree with Reshi, i was a little selfish too at first about sharing Rori, But Reshi is right, if we as women all improve and were moved up a level, guys would automatically measure up to us, and start treating women differently, and that’s a good thing, isn’t it.

    i was a little concern too about what you guys not wanting to share Rori, but then i realized that I was insecure in myself, and that i didn’t feel confident enough to share great expertise with the world.

    what do you guys think??

  9.  #9Daria on February 15, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Reshi, thanks for answering. Do you think by men, that means brothers and father too? I have a lot of male platonic friends… I feel a lot of resistance about this, I feel my brow furrowed. I don’t know why it is such an “issue” for me. Maybe I’ve done a lot for them in the past and feel like they are in a way draining me. Aha. That feels clarifying. Ok cool. So. Do I reach out to them with love or not? Lol. I don’t know. I’m going to stick with not, especially since the past few days some of them have been reaching out to me, perhaps my social life is picking up.

    PS – I love my confusion. And I love you guys too! hehe!

  10.  #10Reshi on February 15, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    I think even brothers and fathers don’t really want you to do a lot of stuff for them. At least mine don’t. They seem content just to spend time together (and they love to give advice–my brother is 16 years younger than I am and thinks he knows everything…) But, we probably don’t need to ignore them to the extent that we do male love interests. 😉

    I’ve never had a true male friend, so I don’t know how that one works.

  11.  #11Daria on February 15, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    I feel frustrated. I feel I am pushing on my wall. Isn’t it sad how you can be in prison and push and push on your wall and it will never move? That’s what I feel right now. I feel the world is concrete. It does not move if you push it and you have to drag yourself on it and it hurts or kills if you fall on it.

    Gee willikers. How do I work with this? I feel sad everyday thinking about this. No wonder I did not want to focus on myself and used to distract myself by going out and being around friends. Being with me feels like being in prison. I love my prison. And I feel angry that the wall gets loved too. It gets washed with love and does not move. Now I have turned my back to the wall and slid down it and have my back to it and feel sad and defeated.

    I feel compassion and pride for my sad and defeated girl. I feel like a part of me likes me in this situation and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like acting out or doing something dramatic. I feel hot and pouty. I feel like hitting stuff. This does not feel fun. I feel STUCK. I gave my angry frustrated girl a rose and am helping her up. She is YELLING at me, Don’t you see the wall!! What the fuck am I going to do with a fuckin ROSE!!! and She’s throwing the rose on the ground and stepping on it. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel angry at her and am now hitting her and fighting with her. RARGH. STop. She is really part of me. I love her. I am giving her a hug. She is hugging me back. We are crying. I am going to tell her I am here for her, and I AM IN CHARGE!. And I am going to do what makes me happy and feels good and I will not abandon her. And can she help me feel more whole? She says yes. She has slunk down to her sitting position. Thank you. I am aleaving. Bye. Bye.

  12.  #12alias girl on February 15, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    i feel inspired and encouraged by averie’s successful experience with circular dating.

    i feel conflicted about rori going on oprah. public opinion and scrutiny can twist a good thing into something distorted and less useful. however if rori wanted to go on oprah i would support her 100%.

    i feel blech about the guys online. i don’t like any of them blech blech blech. i feel discouraged by my pickiness. i love my discouragement. i love my pickiness. i love my aloneness. i love that so many people bore me. i love that i am the center of my world and i like it that way. i like that people aren’t draining my energy. 🙁 i feel discouraged. i love my discouragment. i love the dropping of my heart to my shoes. i love my sad face. i love my stony outlook. i love my contentedness and almost resignation to being alone. i feel blech about the men online. i am going to take my profile down again. i am going to do that right now.

    i feel clueless to help daria in her current conundrum bc i have similar questions and can’t answwer them for myself.


  13.  #13Daria on February 15, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    I FEEL SO ANGRY!!! HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT. This always happens to me when I have been in America for awhile, or when I Don’t have my wonderful glasses of water of friends that I just had because we are growing apart and because I WANT TO SUPPORT MYSELF. I AM SO FUCKIN INDIVIDUALISTIC and yet I WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO TAKE CARE OF me… so I can prove that I AM WORTH TAKING CARE OF… even though I don’t believe that anyone will If I don’t myself and my jaw FEELS TIGHT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO HIT THIS BLOG>>>> HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT HITH HIT HIT!!!!

    RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! I feel like a CAGED GORILLA!!! LOLLLLLLLL!!!!!! THAT sounds funny and I felt like laughing ….

  14.  #14alias girl on February 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    blech. i feel relieved. they all seem like such losers. i know it’s not fair or even objectively true. they just seem like that me. girley online men who can’t otherwise get a date. i feel spiteful and mean. good. i feel rebellious. good. i feel hatred. i love my disappointment. i love that i feel i am a hard match. but other weird quirky hard to match people fall in love and have good fun romantic loving loyal loving relationships with great Great Men. it’s not like i’m trying to build a city underwater for christ sake.

    wow. i feel so relieved i took my profile offlinem.that is so not good for my vibe. losers. i hate them i love my judgmental judy side. tsk tsk tsk i can hear her make lists and lists of everyone’s flaws and building up cases as to why they are DANGEROUS to let into my life. even for a mere coffee date. i love my out of proportion fears. i love that i still have fear no matter how much i despise and banish fear from my psyche. i love my fear. my orphan girl is trembling behind a garbage can. my face is all scrunched up and i am squeaking out a tiny cry. i love my trembling orphan girl who would rather go without food and shelter and showers or clothes as long as she could stay safe. i feel sobbing and a tight throat. i feel compassion. i want to hug my orphan girl but she won’t let me near her. she is trying to hide in the shadows but i see her. and she is shivering. and i just want her to come inside with me. we could have so much fun. she is stepping out of the shadows. i can see her now. she is dirty and skinny and uncared for. she is moving towards me. she doesn’t want me to touch her but she is agreeing to come inside. that’s good. she feels safe with me. that’s good.

  15.  #15alias girl on February 15, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    rori is right. i feel convinced. the only way to shift things is to love them. i have tried to deny my fear. to ignore. to refuse it power. to banish it. to control it. only when i love it do i melt and become integrated and whole and thus more powerful. powerful in that compassionate feminine kind fo way. powerful in that christ kind of way. you know, the move mountains kind of way.

  16.  #16Daria on February 16, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Hey thanks Alias girl. I want to add more love to my riffs now. I feel love for me and my fear that one of my guy friends is hitting on me and I want to be honored and loved as a friend first. I feel love for my fear that I am not good enough to be honored as a friend. Sigh… that feels like relief. I love my relief. I love my smile. I love my stuckness in the middle of typing. I LOVE my love. I love my feelings YAAY. I love my feeling of stuckness too!! woop woop! I love my trembling in my chest and my stuckness and whatever is keeping me from working on my advertising posters. I love my not working on my advertising posters. I feel like such a succesfful too good for working on marketing person. I love my snobby self. I love my crazed smile. I love my smile and I love feeling so good…. aaah my head is leaning back feeling so good and my cheeks feel tight from smilin and I love it ALLL!!! I am now going to sleep or lay down which is my To do task.

  17.  #17Reshi on February 16, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Man. First broken bones, now food poisoning. I’m going to have to stop seeing this man, or else he’s going to die by the 10th date! I wonder what the message is here…perhaps the Siren thing–feminine power being strong enough to compel a man to crash on the rocks and die? It feels good to think of myself as that powerful, and it also feels scary! Maybe the message is that a good man can take care of himself, roll with the punches of life, and still keep coming back to me? Or maybe that he’s secretly self-destructive and is seeking me out to destroy himself. D: I don’t want to think about that one because it would mean that I too am secretly self-destructive.

    Actually, I know I am. I still wake up every morning with a vague, deeply felt rage. When I asked myself about it this morning I got the answer that getting my divorce fully straightened out was the necessary medicine. Well, I printed out the forms, and e-mailed my husband about working with a divorce mediator, and that felt good. He agreed with me that we should push ahead with it. That didn’t feel so good because he’s supposed to be begging me to take him back. Lol. But I don’t need him to do that, I won’t ever meet Makani if I stay with the evil engineer in the tower. (Aside from the fact that he’s a part of me and is always with me, of course…but man, I would love to see that part show up in physical form!)

    Later today my auntie took me aside and told me to stay positive because everything happens for a reason–and I was able to give my soon-to-be-newlywed cousin some Rori-based advice, which she appreciated. I told her I didn’t want to see her go down the same road I did. (And if she does…well, then I know where to send her!)

  18.  #18Maria on February 16, 2009 at 5:25 am

    l have a belief that cos everyone of us is different, the outcome of how we use Rori tools is unique and different as well. What works for one, may work differently with another…

  19.  #19katja on February 16, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Hey ladies… I want to share somethin with you. Last night something happened inside of me. I thought about some of Rori’s words and tools after I had a little fight with my boyfriend and I thought about not being able to love myself. Then I realized that I will always love my daughter for everything she is and that I will not judge her for any bad qualities she has or only praise her for her good qualities. And it was as if someone lighted on a candle inside of me…I finally got it. Thats what I have to do with myself-thats the way to love myself. Everything-the good qualities and the bad ones,the outside and the inside,just all of me. And then I realized that if I can do this with myself-love everything about me,I can do this with others,too. I can love my boyfriend finally for who he is,even his bad qualities. This is him,and he has to feel loved for everything thats him,too. He shouldn’t have the feeling that I only love his good qualities and that I want to change him. Thats what I did in the past,I told him that he has to change so that our relationship would change. And I didn’t realize that I could only open the door for a change if I would first love me completely and love him completely,too! It took me long enough to realize this… 🙂 I read so much about it-but I didn’t really get it. I didn’t know how to do it. So,last night,after figuring this all out I felt a flood of love inside myself.It was such an amazing feeling,warm,safe and like a big big light that shines from inside myself. It was like magic. Anyone who experienced that too?

    Today I still feel it,though not that intensively,but its there-and I hope it will never go away. I never felt something so intense…wow.

    Just wanted to share this and I will let you all know what happens next.

    Love to all of you,

  20.  #20heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Katja – YES a whole city of lights 🙂

    I love reading your updates, I feel like I’m sharing your journey. Yes, it is fantastic when a light goes on, and the same happened for me at the weekend. Along the same lines.

    I was tired and irritable over arrangements, I realised I wanted to stay home and have our Valentine dinner later (my man had a gig) rather than hang around. I really APPRECIATED my need for this. And I wanted to be the REASON my man left early to come home, not an EXCUSE (which was kind of how it seemed to me, so I was getting myself into a bad-feeling place).

    Once I RECOGNISED what I wanted and VALUED it, everything changed!!!!! He suddenly called, and made the suggestion… exactly as I wanted……. as if my being connected to my feelings and valuing them sent a message out the airwaves.

    THANK YOU again, Rori, for your help. And thanks everyone here too 🙂

  21.  #21Daria on February 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    I feel blank and weird. I am sitting here with my Dad at the other computer. He is telling me how my health insurance bill (that he pays for me) just went up. And I said now that I have had the surgery I needed (on my arm) maybe I can be accepted for a less expensive insurance. And then he said yes and I still owe 2000 to the hospital for my surgery… and I said ok… and then he said… it’s not ok, because it’s money, and you are not making any and losing nights (maybe talking about me having gone out wed and thursday). He said you need to make some money even like your old job (that job was the best paying I’ve had so far, so duh except I quit and don’t want to work there again). By the way it was a tutoring job which is what the company I want to make is too. So anyway as he was saying this his voice was rising and he was breathing more huffily… I felt kinda blank. Maybe I felt scared and I have a defense to go blank when I feel attacked or hear his voice rising. Now I feel kinda mopey and scared he might decide to look over and see what I’m typing.

  22.  #22katja on February 16, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Heartbeat-its great to hear that!

    I have a lot of plans what to do with myself now-even with the baby I can manage to take classes-I just found out!

    I want to take a sewing class or at least attend a workshop and maybe learn another language (I always wanted to do that-so whats holding me back???) and take a drawing class. I even considered taking a singing class-I always loved it but wasnt that good. We’ll see. I won’t be bored the next months 🙂

    Today I began to batik clothes-I feel exited! Wow,there wasn’t that much time to even think about our relationship problems…

    And I feel great! I am at this point now that I know that I will be okay if he decides to leave me. I hope he doesn’t cause I love him-but I can’t control him or his feelings.

    I am so looking forward to my Modern Siren Program,hope it arrives soon,but I don’t know how long it takes from the usa to germany.

    I wanted to say to everyone that I read your comments most of the time and I will comment on them if I have something interesting to say-at the moment I do not because I am so involved in my own story.

    Love and hugs to you!

  23.  #23alias girl on February 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    i just wrote this whole long comment to daria and it got erased. my comments often get erased by accident (due to me posting from my cellphone not bc of any defect of this site) anyway when it happens i just figure it was meant to. anyway daria i feel compassion for your situation and you and how it is bringing on anxiety. maybe just getting a job will help alleviate some of the stress? even if it is not your dream job? just for now? either way i support your decision. it is your journey and i couldn’t possibly know what is best for you.

    so i feel happy to read of so many of the women on here having successful valentine’s day.mine was good too. i indulged in learning more in my new hobby and i also bought myself roses/boquet. i saw them there in the store and i said these are so pretty. then i saw the price and i considered getting maybe a less expensive bunch. but i didn’t i spent more on these flowers than i have ever spent on a bunch of flowers. and i had conflicting feelings about it. and i just stood there in the store being aware of what i was feelinh. now i have the flowers on my table and they are soooo pretty. and it’s weird. bc now that i am giving myself romance it’s not this huge deal anymore. it’s not this big trip to alaska that i look at longingly and think i’l never have that. it’s just something i like and enjoy and am worthy of giving myself. which takes alot of the tenseness out of me having to get it from a man. i will still end up picking a man who offers romance but it’s just not this thing he HAS to do. if that makes sense.
    i feel ok. i still have no one in my circular dating rotation and that is ok. i love my pickiness. i love that men seem interested in me even when i feel no connection to them. i love my need to feel safe. i love myself my life my health my dreams my unsurety my back and forth in what i am trying to manifest. ORDER. CANCEL. ORDER. CANCEL. ORDER. CANCEL. i feel compassion for my my fearfulness. my orphan girl is at least living indoors now. soon she will be showering and eating properly. i will bring her up to speed to where i have managed to get to. we will overcome fears together in whatever time it takes. some people may say i am wasting my life. just do it. there is no try only do kind of thing. yeah whatever. walk a mile in my shoes and we can talk then. i love myself and i am standing by myself.

  24.  #24Reshi on February 16, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Ouch! Again, I feel triggered on my money/father issues by Daria’s post. I feel worried that my dad won’t be willing to help me with tuition costs–nor housing costs should I move out of state for school like I really want to. He did it for me when I was in college, and for my sisters as well–but I feel afraid that he’s decided to “cut me off” because of how expensive my education was and how expensive my fucking wedding was. I feel sick inside that my family went to that expense for NOTHING. I begrudge my husband that. I feel insulted, and I feel my family has been insulted. And I feel like a guilty little leeching parasite, who is no good, doesn’t make good on promises, and deserves to be beaten and run out of town like in the old days.

    Well, if I’m a leeching parasite, then why? And can I love the parasite? Does it have something to strengthen me? The parasite CARES FOR ITSELF, and will get what it needs regardless of whether another is willing to provide it. There’s a part of me that says “I’m gonna get mine, regardless of what you think.” A part of me that knows I deserve and am worth more than I want to allow myself, and is strong enough to take me over and take what it needs. That’s the part that keeps me in bed in the morning when I’m telling it to go to work. The part that sends me to the vending machine for chocolate because I’ve denied it a meal. It knows what I REALLY need, which is different from what I’ve been told I need or what my mind, which hates me, wants me to get by with.

    Yeah…I can listen to that leechy guy more. I can be strengthened by his drive and self-preservation instinct, his fuck-you attitude–and I can be in charge and direct his boundless energy towards avenues of taking care of me that DON’T hurt others. Sweet. That feels good. Thanks Daria.

  25.  #25heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Katja – all your hobbies are getting me excited and feeling creative. I have creative hobbies too, and a sport I love, and yes it really is so absorbing and fulfilling!

    AG I bought myself an orchid, and I buy myself flowers cos they make me feel joyful. I told my man I have part of Valentine’s for myself, so I can look in the mirror and tell myself ‘I love you’. I had no idea how he’d react, but he thought it was fabulous 🙂

    It feels warm and connected sharing our stories of how we give to outselves. Thank you!

  26.  #26Daria on February 16, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Yay Alias girl thank you for writing me. I feel I did the opposite of what you did with the flowers. I had to pick between going and spending 6 or 7 dollars on Vietnamese food I was craving or going home and having money to pay my insurance bill. I decided after pulling the car over for 10 minutes and trying to figure it out, feel it out, to go home and cook.

    Except I didn’t cook, and my insurance bill isn’t due for another week. I do guess I should get a job. I wish it would just “happen” instead of me going out to get it. Any job I get will not please my dad, and I don’t know if it would please me. It probably would. I am just going along being a puddle of victimness right now. La la la. I am a puddle. That felt a little relieving. I feel so much anger. I just realized that my apr on one of my cards more than doubled because I missed a payment last month which I made up this month. I am going to call them and I am imagining them saying they are not going to change it back. Which probably means they are not since I am imagining that. Well this anxiety feels better than worrying about that guy who I was feeling out of control with. So I feel grateful I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Also I feel grateful that the sun is out. I feel grateful I feel this squeezing in my shoulder that wants me to hit things. I feel grateful for my smile. I feel grateful for the pressure in my chest. There is so much Anger, and I am not used to it, it’s so diffuse and helpless feeling. I am more Angry at the world really than at myself. the guys showing up for me really have not really been exciting, and really I can feel myself being uninviting because of my worried and angry vibe. I want to love myself like this and I do, there is this voice that says it will be ok… except that I feel like the voice is not telling me the truth, it is just enabling and justifying me being in victimhood. LEts face it, I don’t know how to take care of myself, and really I kinda like it that way. F everybody (not you guys). I am thinking if I had to move to a shelter that would not maybe be that bad. They probably don’t give MediCal to women over 23 with no children, so no insurance? That would suck because I broke my arm without insurance and I know how that is. I have debt and

    I feel like I want everyone to feel bad for me and I am going to reject all offers of help because they won’t help me for one reason or another. I feel I want everyone to judge me as a slacker and annoying and a hopeless case. I am not sure why I am doing this, and I want the part of me that is doing this to know I love her. Even though she is running me and ruining my life I want to love her. IT is ok. Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for your rage. Thank you for your fear of being happy and succesful. I want to bash you and hit you and I don’t want to do that, I want to feel loved and I want to love you. Ok. I feel really weird. I feel weird and angry and out of control. Freakazoids.

    I feel sad. I feel helpless and hopeless. Why is riffing not helping me? I just did the through the tunnel tool and I feel a little more clearheaded. Unfortunately as I was doing the good part in another part of my consciousness I felt trapped. I could actually see the walls around me. The were red brick and they were moving in. I’m in a room the size of a small elevator. With red walls around me. IT feels like being buried alive. There is a light too, not very strong up high in the ceiling of my box. I am not sure what else there is. I would have to crawl up the brick wall to get to it, kind of like I feel I would have to crawl to get to be successful. I don’t want to crawl. I don’t want to tear up my elbows and knees and nails like a torture victim. I want to glide gracefully. I am now gliding gracefully upwards, feeling like a ghost or seomthing. I bumped my head on the ceiling. IT is black and has a lamp that is where the light comes from. There is also a little window. If I look out the window I can see outside. Do I dare? I see a meadow. An effin meadow. I feel angry. I also see with another part of me a street with lots of cars far below. that shouldn’t be a problem since I am floating right now, I probably could be safe floating. It would feel very hard to crawl out. Again nails and breaking and scratching. I should be able to fit through this tiny window with it’s two foot by one foot dimensions right lol. Well if my head fits through that means the rest of me will, or at least that used to work when I was 12. It should still work now as I am not much different size. Maybe a little in a good way. Anyways I do not want to scratch myself as I said before. So I am going to blow on the metal bars and hope something magical happens. Well they melted away. Now what about the crawling. WHoa! I have shrank and am now 6 inches high. I can easily perch on the opening. I am looking below at the cars passing by. I am in a big skyscraper it seems like. I also have little golden web wings which is kinda cool to say the least. Ok well guess what. I do not really feel like jumping into that gray lonely busy car feeling landscape. Also the wind seems really strong outside and would probably blow me away and I would get hurt. So what do I want. I kinda want to go to Hawaii like Reshi, except I feel like I won’t have a job even there. I would be a Hawaii bum, which despite the perks in the weather and plants I Feel would still feel like crap. Maybe not though since my parents would not be there to criticize me. Well how would I pay my bills. I feel grateful to at least be 6 inches tall with wings on this ledge and be able to breathe some fresh air, even though it seems a little industrial. lol. I am going to change this landscape with my magic. I want to change it to what I DO want, and I feel squeezing in my heart when I think of that. Because what I do want seems to be non money related so I feel worried I won’t get the money I want to pay my bills. I have now materialized into another building where I am in front of a big safe. I am also still 6 inches tall. the black safe has one of those big rotating wheels and it is opening… There is lots of green cash inside, all hundreds, and it kinda comes blowing out. I just grabbed a stack as big as I could carry, lets make it worth a lot. I am pretty strong in this little fairy mode. Ok I was carrying it under my arm and now I have it on my head. My little fairy is happy and jumping around smiling delightedly while balancing a stack of money on her/my head. Ok we are going now with the money. We don’t know where to go. We went back to our elevator prison cage and dumped the money on the icky ground in there. At least now it’s safe. I am back to sitting on the ledge. It feels so good to have some air really. I feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed by this big city. A butterfly comes and sits next to me. I feel a little disgusted by its eyes and insect hairy legs and stuff. EWWWW. ugh. I know it is a friend but GROSS… I am not looking dead on at the butterfly and I say hi. The butterfly says nothing. he is sitting there. then he flies away. I feel like flying after him, and I also feel like sitting on the ledge and moping. The butterfly seems to be waiting for me. Did I mention he’s bigger than me? I fly after the butterfly. IT feels very fun to fly. Weee. It feels like turning circles in the air and laughing. I Want to hug the butterfly but I still feel kinda grossed out by him so I just smile at him and keep following him. We are now exiting the city and going towards the woods. Crap. There is no money in the woods. I always like being in the woods were there is no money. The money is all in the big city, it is all industrial feeling and concrete and metal like the city. In the woods there is no money, only happy water and trees and clear naturalness. the concrete metal energy moeny would be polluting here. It would be like finding a plastic bag thrown out. Which by the way you can find on the outside of the woods. Not on the inside where its really and truly magical, and where I just remembered lives a witch in a cottage. I am going to visit her now.

  27.  #27Daria on February 16, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I feel happy my post helped Reshi. Thank you Reshi. I got called a parasite by my family, although fortunately that word seems to have dropped out of use now. I am glad you are able to use the parasite strength. I will hope that mine also helps me. And yest it’s true. The parasite does ask my dad for money when I need to pay my bills. And it does so even though it causes me lots of anxiety and shame. Ugh, now it’s not sounding so great any more lol. But I know that somehow I will always survive. I know I can on a base level (eating) take care of myself. I could beg for food if I needed to. I bet. One of my biggest fears and I feel embarassed or actually very scared to say it is that I would have to wind up prostituting myself or something. Actually that is a non-fear because I don’t want to do that and am determined that I never will. Except I worry and create dramatic scenarios where I ahve to in order to feed my children and would I or would I let them starve and stuff like that? Why? I really have a lot of dramatic stories. I am glad that I would not want to do that and is a great source of pride for me, although also a source of judgement because I judge others who have a different attitude towards it. hmmh… I send love to my I am better than thou queen self. I send love to my I will be tested beyond my limits beyond my dignity self. I feel worried that indulging too much in these fantasizies will bring on wars and bombing and horrible things around me. What am I talking about… I am not making sense, I feel embarassed. I AM making sense. SHuttup. No. Lol.

    Ok. I must say I feel very intrigued by this process of writing that I am doing right now. It feels freeing in a way and exciting. I am excited to see what happens to my self as I go into the woods to visit the witch. I wanted to say the old witch but I would feel surprised if she did not look so old right now. Hmm… So I proceed into the woods, I am still flying, it is getting dark and moist and cooler under the trees. The air smells lovely with wood and plant smells which I love. I feel so special. I feel magical here and loved ina vague way, by whom? by the trees, by the woods , by the magic and nature… of course I am magical since I am 6 inches tall and have my golden web wings… hehe… ok… so I am going fast because when I fly it feels so good to go fast and glide like a little arrow. It feels awesome to feel the air on my face. so I have now gotten to the witch’s cottage. It is brown and has a triangle roof. It has vegetables out front that are all ripe and ready for picking. IT has big red tomatoes on the ground and green bell peppers on vines,, hmm,,, I know tomatoes grow on vines but she must have done some magic. there is smell of soup coming out of the chimney. There is a big brown wooden door with a door knob. I am going to the door. I am growing to my regular size on the door step and I knock. And I enter. No i don’t. She opens the door with a big pot in her hands, and a wooden spoon. She is not that old and yet she is older than me. She looks like a happy housewife that is cooking. She is wearing an apron and a smile and kind of resembles my aunt in her attitude. She is very happy to see me and I go inside, I feel gangly and awkward and tall being my height now and she is actually shorter than me. She has the pot on the stove now. She hasn’t exactly Said anything although I feel like she is chattering. MAybe she’s communicating with my mind. She is having me sit down on a wooden stool at the kitchen table which looks like my grandma’s old one. She is bringing me a cup of tea from the back of the stove. THe tea is hot, it smells like tea from the sushi restaurant and tastes a little more fragrant. She is bustling and happy and is still not saying anything. I feel kinda disappointed a little. I am thinking back about wanting to always have money and feeling like this is about as far away as I can get from money. There is no need for money here. There is no need for money in the woods. There is only being and naturalness and magic. There is no icky rocky metal electric zing and radio waves to buzzzzzz. Well an alarm clock just buzzed but it was a different kind of buzz. I am looking up at her from my tea, she has her back turned to me and is stirring the pot. I feel sad. I get up. She comes to the table toward me and puts her arms on the table. I do not htink she can talk out loud!! I say … I feel weird. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel bad Auntie. And it feels like crying. It feels like crying and I am crying now and rocking back and forth standing up on my heels and trying not to knock over the stool too that I hit with my shins. And she comes and gives me a hug, and she is soft and smells like food and I feel blank. I feel blank and not crying anymore. I feel sad. I feel sad. I sit down and put my left ear on the table and rest my head on it. My head feels heavy and hot. And she comes with a dropper and puts some kind of oil in my right ear, and I don’t even move. I sigh. the oil is making my head feel tingly on the inside, and I feel better all of a sudden. It feels like having a mint wash on the inside of my head.

  28.  #28Kelly on February 16, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Hi ladies… love to you all!

    Daria, you’ve asked a great question… the way I look at my giving is not from a “boy energy” point of view just a “love energy” point of view. The loving emails I send out daily are mostly to women not men, just friends I found myself avoiding during a period of time that I struggled with saying “NO”. I wasn’t mad at anyone, just tired of giving from a place of feeling obligated, if that makes any sense. Now that I’ve really let it settle within me that I ALWAYS have a choice and that I truly do not have to do anything I don’t want to do, I feel FREE to be connected and also free and more open to give. I’ve been circular dating a lot for the past few months but these men are NOT on my mailing list. I have a good relationship with my father and my brother but I don’t feel compelled to include them in this giving rotation either, I just speak with them as I always have and work on being a good receiver when they offer time or help or “whatever” to me… like Reshi wrote: “…the men give us the energy and then we give it out into the world.” That’s exactly the way I see it. The giving I do comes from my belief that we all have a purpose here on the planet to treat each other with loving kindess and for those who are in our lives that are “unwell”, those who push our buttons and piss us off, are here to teach us something just like the men in our lives… they ALL have a message for us if we are willing to listen. We’re all connected so the fact that you’ve been hearing from people simply because you’ve been thinking about them is no surprise. And as Maria so wonderfully put it: “l have a belief that cos everyone of us is different, the outcome of how we use Rori tools is unique and different as well. What works for one, may work differently with another…” Exactly! And I think the exact same thing goes for how we choose to give. Your simply “thinking” thoughts of love, coupled with “feeling” that love, radiates out into the world and blesses people as well. It is enough as long as it’s enough for you…
    I LOVE Averie’s story soooo much and I can relate because I too went to the movies just yesterday on a third date with a “froggy” guy who has been pouring out the messages to me. We saw “Revolutionary Road” and the whole time I was sitting there feeling all tense and worried that he was going to try to hold my hand so I didn’t really stay PRESENT and enjoy the film 🙁 I ruined it for myself and I KNOW he could feel those vibes from me but I couldn’t stand the thought of holding his hand or having to deal with pulling away if he even tried (thank god he didn’t…). There’s a big difference between being in that situation with a guy you’re attracted to and a guy you aren’t. Now sitting across from this man at a table would have been a completely different situation because we would have been talking and I would have been working on listening and radiating… interesting, huh…?
    So big lesson for me, no more movies with guys with whom I don’t want to hold hands with or be really close to, lol…
    I had a better experience on Saturday with a “first meeting guy” that turned into a fun Valentine’s date 🙂 He was IMing me this afternoon and told me that he wanted to kiss me but he was afraid that would have been too forward (i agreed with him and thanked him for being appropriate) and then he said he enjoyed my company mostly because I was “authentic and real”… And I was! I was using the tools, listening and staying present, smiling and focusing on his words and feeling good! It really does work (it helped that I thought he was a cutie).

    Alias girl said something that really struck me in regards to men online being girlie and unable to get dates in the real world (my words)… it seems to be mostly true! I’ve found some diamonds in the rough but so many of the guys I meet online are GIRLIE! Go figure. I think I’m going to take a close look at my online profile and make sure it’s not written in a way that I’m attracting those kind of men anymore. Does anyone have a suggestion for an obvious statement I could add that would send a message to those guys to STAY AWAY!… lol…? (without being a total bitch of course).
    Daria, I’m not sure exactly what your tutoring business is going to look like when it’s thriving and successful but here is a great web site that might help to support you on your journey: I used it a lot when I had my own small tutoring business going for a while. I’ve since switched careers but it was a great resource. And Katja, and others of you who are crafty and want to sell your creations on line, you MUST check out, GREAT site for that!

    Keep sharing your “stuff”, I love you all…

  29.  #29Daria on February 16, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I feel sad. I feel disappointed and at the same time I feel validated that I KNEW I was not going to get the answers I am looking for here. I feel stuck and bored. I feel like I am escaping the “horrors of everyday life” instead of conquering them. I feel dizzy. I feel hungry and realize I haven’t eaten in awhile.

    I want my money problems to disappear. And I know a part of me doesn’t want them to disappear. Part of me wants to Conquer them so I can feel worthy to myself so I can feel like a Hero. I love that part of me. I want to let her know that I think she is worthy anyway, even though she doesn’t. I want to feel free to enjoy the things I do like, like being 6 inches tall and flying through the woods, and landing in little pools of clear water on dark tree trunks like the Fern Gully movie. I don’t Resonate with the energy of money the way I am picturing it. I must Struggle to get it, and the sturggle must be all consuming, and yet it is shameful to not get it, and even more shameful to not want to struggle. And I want to let go of this belief now, even though I don’t know what to replace it with. I Let Go of it now. Thank you. And that felt like my eyes opened a little wider, like I felt freer. Like maybe I can actually do some work on my company now, if I want to. I feel anger. I feel chains and dungeouns, big chains and leg shackles. Hmm… I feel like I am throwing myself down in the dungeon, a cold wet dungeon with walls of brick kinda like my old elevator but more black and moldy. And the ground is muddy and we and We the shackled people are walking barefoot. I feel like giggling, because I can undo the shackles with a little magic. And I do. And now WE the zombies in the dark are sitting there, zombified but unshackled. WE are coming out of the stupor and heading for the gate, and now we are coming out of the dungeon which was a cave in the mountain. And I don’t know about everyone else but I am running down the hill like WEEEE and it feels good it feels good to feel the air on my face while I’m running. I feel huffy and puffy at the bottom of the hill and am smiling. And then I run into the woods again, and see a bird, and say hiRobin to the bird. And he looks at me from the side with his black eye and says cawk. And I go and hug a tree and teh tree bends its branches and hugs me back. Whew. I feel hungry.

  30.  #30Daria on February 16, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    Thanks Kelly! I will take a look at both those sites, I actually really like the second one about selling crafts because maybe I could do that too! And I will look at the first one too although I’m still feeling a little “jumpy” at stuff that has to do with what I’m trying to achieve… BTW when I said I’m not going to get the help I want here I meant the witch’s cottage, not the blog. Hehe. Although that could work too… even though you have sent some help THANK YOU.

    And I really understand what you mean about avoiding people because you were afraid of saying no, I feel like maybe I was avoiding my guy friends because of that. I have always been really good at having guy friends and simply LOVED feeling like one of the guys. I also feel very proud of my skill in being friends and being respected by guys when other girls would not be “let in” the way I was. I kinda learned this from my female cousin who told me that hanging out with guys would make a girl “smart.” My other female cousins have lots of guy friends too, it’s pretty common to have mixed guy girl groups of friends in our culture I guess. I feel afraid of losing that by pulling away and leaning back, but like I said a bunch of them have popped up recently so maybe it’s all for the good and honestly I am not that afraid of losing that skill, I feel comfortable that I will always know how to befriend guys. IN terms of girl friends I had one very close best friend that I would talk to constantly throughout my day and spend all my time with at a time and sometimes more or less other girl friends. RIght now I Don’t have that close best friend, I do have my God-sister but we are not close in that talk all day kinda way, although I feel glad to have her and she is a loyal friend.

    With my guy friends, especially when I was the only girl around I envisioned myself as being a comforting and womanly energy and being able to calm them when they are stressed. I also read a story once about a sister and brother and the sister would do everything for her little brother to protect him and maybe I “took that role” towards them since I don’t have brothers of my own. And I definitely feel I overfunctioned, now I have pulled back, maybe things are coming into balance for me, that feels like smiling so I feel good!

    I gotta eat! I could type all day!

  31.  #31Kelly on February 16, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    I was just in the shower and remembered something else I wanted to share, lol… I was at a small party on Friday, and ended up speaking to a woman I hadn’t met before, she told me she was a psychic/intuitive, hmmm… So I asked her if she could “see” when the love of my life was going to finally find me! She laughed and then got quiet and then said, “take it easy, stop trying so hard, and surrender this search because HE will find YOU… and it probably won’t happen until after June so focus on YOU and your business and relax.” How about that? So then I was thinking, “okay, so now what? Do I quit dating and just wait?” But then I decided that the next 4 months are going to be great practice months for me and I’ll just take advantage of the time, plus she told me that anything was possible and that he could show up tomorrow but that’s not what she saw… interesting.
    It definitely takes the pressure off but there shouldn’t have been any pressure there in the first place, HUGE message…
    Daria, I may be way off here but if you’re feeling “jumpy”, which I’m translating you to mean stressed and “trying too hard” with your business, then something’s gotta give… it won’t work that way. You’ve got to follow your heart, slow down, and ask for help (if you believe that you have access to help from your angels, guides, God, whomever…). I ask for help all day long, every single day, and I get it! One day at a time, do what you can do and prioritize… the answers will come and so will the energy and the desire to do so, IF you’re truly following your heart…

    xxx ooo

  32.  #32alias girl on February 16, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    the feeling that seems to be strongest when it comes to my happiness is


    and self flagellation of teeling myself who am i to have or do or be when others are not or do not or have not. that voice is so STRONG. it’s as if my father is right there on my right shoulder scowling at me, belittling me with shame and disapproval.

    who am i to go snowboarding or camping or ride the gondolas or travel to alaska or play baseball or dance or sing or play volleyball or have a bbq or a dinner party or a nice home or pets or a nice wardrobe or a suuccessful career or attention or affection or romance or comfort or free time or nice hair or jewelry or dinners in restaurants or anything FUN AND GOOD THAT BRINGS ME JOY. Who are you screams that voice and god love for naming tha voice what i’m about to name it bc i am using my fatherl real name. but really call a spade a spade here. that voice of hysterical darryl. the hysterical darryl voice trying to grip and vice everyone around him into a 9-5 grind bc that’s what he chose for himself. WHO ARE YOU ALIAS GIRL?! you ingrate. each your crumbs and crackers and murky water. that’s all you get and you should be glad for it and if you’re not i’l take away the little you do have. you’re lucky i let you have oxygen (barely) you little brat.

    i love my hysterical darryl voice. and i mean hysterical in the sense of high strung . not really belly laughs hysterical. but maybe belly laughs. if i can integrate hysterical darryl into the family here with my schlub, my pirate, judgemental judy, my dictator, my orphan girl, trauma girl and all the rest of the clan.

    hysterical darryl threw a major fit when i bought some items for my new hobbie today. whoa. i love you hysterical darryl. i understand you believe what you are telling me is THE TRUTH. but i am in charge here. i believe i know a better way. i love you and your screaming voice terrorizing me and trying to keep me stuck in my cage. i love your mean spirit attempting to undermine my sense of hope and fun.i understand you never let yourself have what you wanted and the years just ticked by. i know hysterical darryl. i have compassion and lovefor you and i accept you for who you are in my family of self. let me be firm and clear here. i am in charge.

  33.  #33alias girl on February 16, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    i feel frozen. wtf. one minute i’m ok the next minute i just want to drop to the floor in a ball and freeze til the bombs stop dropping. argh. rrrrrrr. i feel angry. i feel extremely f’n angry. i feel outraged. i feel OUTRAGED. i feel like i could smahs thing to bits with my fists like that arcade game with the mallet. smash smaahs smash. i feel tight. i feel like i could punch my hand through a steel wall and ask for more. i feel my heart beating strong ready for a fight. ugh. now i feel like falling asleep except i’m not tired. i feel scared. of what? what the fuck. i love my fear. i love you fear. i love you trauma girl. i actually feel angry at my trauma girl. oh that can’t be good. maybe she is the one i want to beat on with my fists. 🙁 oh. dear. i love you violent person who hates trauma girl. i feel sad. ughm i feel overwhelmed. ugh. i feel angry. i love my anger. i love my energy all coiled up iside. i love my short circuits that cause me to shut down. i love that trauma girl is so committed to having her needs met and be recofgnized that she will shut down the whole system. i love that behind trauma girl’s supposed weakness is a lot of power and focus and determination. i feel so lucky to have her be part of me. i feel tired though. i feel done. ugh. i feel like i just want to stop typing and curl up. what is the tool to use for this situation? i love my steel walls shutting down my feelings. i love that i can become a robot. i love my shallow breathing my droopy face. i love my rigid sense of self. i love my empry mind. i really do love my empty mind. that feels good. i love my numb body. i love my disconnect. ugh. riffing isn’t helping or i just don’t have the energy and dedication to follow it all the way through. ugh.

  34.  #34Reshi on February 16, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Still waking up with rage. And that’s because I’m communicating with my husband in a very polite and businesslike manner–but inside, I hate his guts and I wish he would die and I feel absolutely, vehemently LIVID that he’s getting what he wants and I’m not. I fucking hate him for the way he treated me. I don’t give a fuck for his feelings. I really do wish he would die. Today would be nice. Whenever I think of him, I get an image that I want to rip his guts out. No one should get to break my heart and go on living as if they’d done nothing.

    But instead of HIM getting punished, I’M sitting here carrying this rage that’s hurting ME.

    NO ONE should get to break my heart and go on living.

    How would you ladies handle such a situation–receiving a businesslike e-mail from an ex-husband that you feel intense, deathly hatred for? Is there a Feeling Message that goes with that? I don’t want to e-mail him back and say “Yes, I agree, you should have custody of the cat. And I feel angry.” That seems weird to me. Maybe that’s exactly what I should do, though. I’ve been doing the complete businesslike non-vulnerable thing and while I don’t really want to make myself vulnerable to HIM, I don’t want to practice putting walls up either.

  35.  #35Daria on February 16, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Thank you Kelli for the reminder to follow my heart. I do feel like “I am trying too hard.” I am using other people’s judgements and my inability to pay my bills to bash myself. Hmmm. Just a few months ago I had an amazing clear vision of my business and now all I see is struggle. Why? I have not even taken all the steps as I saw them in my vision and feel ready to give up without having really given it a chance. I feel like I am self-sabotaging… I do not trust myself. I feel like I am fulfilling the prophecy of “not finishing what I started.” And having a freak-out before it’s really set up. I feel weird and want to love myself through this. I DO want this, well now I am not sure anymore. At the same time I really want to complete what I start, not have a heartheld vision that I abandon for freaking out. I want to be perseverent and Conquering in my eyes. Ummm so… maybe I have other things I want, and this is only something I Want in the meantime but maybe I am shifting away from it now? Why? I feel confused… I was almost there with it… it feels amusing to me that it’s almost like a man… haha… I just want it to work!!! hahaha! At the same time I WANT to lean back and feel it out. I DONT want to feel like a failure in front of my family, or myself. I DONT want to cause them pain. I DONT want to rely on them financially against their will. I DONT want to feel unsuccesful, or even dreamy and “out of it” although a big part of me wants to be dreamy and out of it, and too concerned with imagination and other things to worry about money. I don’t know what to DO with these forces inside me, I am not used to dealing with them, only escaping from them. I WANT to love them. I am ASSERTING Here on this blog that I WANT To love them and ALL OF ME. Thank you.

    That feels like a sigh of something… relief? I feel so leaned back and good. I WANT more support and EASY solutions. I WANT answers for my logical self, and I WANT comfort and appreciation for me. I want to feel like a CONQUEROR and I want it to be ok for me to have it be easy. I DONT want to look like I’m doing nothing. I want to look like I’m working hard. My brain is working very hard, too hard, and I want to appreciate it.

    I want to appreciate myself. I Am working hard, with little to show for it, I am really struggling! And I am proud of myself for persevering. Thank you beautiful, strong, dedicated self. you are always there for me, I feel like crying, I feel so loved. I feel undeserving and I love you, working so so hard. hmm… I see a little connection here with my mom. I love me. I love me self and I truly appreciate you. You know if NO ONE else recognizes you I want to know that I am ALWAYS here for you. I THANK YOU for all your effort, and striving, and for being you. I Thank you for trying SO SO hard. I thank you for how much you care, and love me, and want me to be well. And I feel like crying now, I am shaking with sobs. Thank you self. You are amazing self. I am so proud of you and I appreciate all the sacrifices you made and I appreciate even yesterday how you passed on food so you could pay your bill. You are so conscientious self and I love you. I want you to know that it is ok. And I want to feel good. And I want you to feel good. I want us to be happy, and not hurt, and not have to sacrifice. And I am going to do what makes me happy and be bigger and happier so I can share more compassion with you. I love you. And I will not abandon you I promise. Awww. I love you so much. You are my little bitiboo.

  36.  #36Dorothea on February 16, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Hey Reshi, I am about to graduate from undergrad and have been daydreaming about grad schools all weekend and Monday long, so your post really touched me.

    This probably isn’t what you want to hear BUT

    I emancipated before my senior year in high school and ultimately never thought I would go to college. I had the grades and the test scores to go to many-a-good school, but I was all alone in the world and very poor, and had taken to working to prevent starvation and homelessness, and so I had to forget all about going to school. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing at that age and often went hungry or without a roof over my head, but by the time I was 20 I became stable and could pay (most of) my bills and buy groceries when I needed to.

    So I got into college at 21. I didn’t have anyone to help me pay my bills or my tuition or for my books or supplies and it broke my heart to see all of my classmates spend exciting semesters abroad that I could never afford. But I worked and worked and put myself through school. Last semester I took 18 credits of upper division classes and this semester I am taking 23 credits, and I’ve been working this whole time. It seems crazy to everyone who knows me but in my mind I just see it as I have this goal to get my BA within 4 years no matter what.

    I did this with no one’s help but I was DETERMINED. It seems like school seems so important to you like how it is so important to me, so I know that even without the assistance of your family or even their moral support you WILL do it. You just set your mind and go. There is always a way, even when we really believe all the odds are stacked against us. Trust me, I believed I was destined to stay deep in the Poverty Hole into which I was born and I was a classic chance of great potential without apparent opportunity.

    But here I am at barely 24 with a stable long term career (hey at 24 years old, 2.5 years seems long term) in research and about to graduate in May. I feel silly admitting how young I am to all the lovely sirens on this blog, haha! Now I will pursue my doctorate, which seems completely out of reach, but I know that THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY, and when you get there on your own it’s doubly gratifying.

    I wish I could buy you a chai tea and tell you not to be afraid or overwhelmed about your education or its costs, like how my good girl friend at school does for me!

  37.  #37Bethany on February 16, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I am trying so hard to be strong and hold myself together, but I just feel soooo much rage and anger and disappointment and frustration. I feel sooooo guilty, like it’s my fault that everything feels so tight and tense in my relationship. I don’t know why. I feel so mad because we had a great Valentine’s Day, he made me pasta and then we went dancing and he stayed with me the whole night, which felt great, and then we watched the Deadwood series, and then went to bed, and I loved it, and he’s been so sweet and I asked him to go to my dad’s birthday party and he seemed interested but then today he said he is going to stay here because his mom is coming to town to visit his grandma, and okay, fine, but I feel mad. And I feel so angry for not being able to identify my feelings in the moment. I feel soooooo mad that my stranger is running me, and I feel so hurt and mad at her and I want to love her but I can’t and I feel sooooooo terrible I just wnat to throw up and scream and throw things and pack up my car and give up and go home. I need to get out and do things but there seems nothing for me to do in this tiny town for non-students. I feel trapped. I need to go but I don’t know where and I don’t know what’s going to happen and I can’t control it and I hate that. I feel so lonely and upset and I feel sooooooo confused!!!!! I want to feel good and happy and secure but I don’t and I felt good the other day for a bit, in love with myself, but then it just goes away and I don’t understand, I feel so scared that I’m not enough and that he’s way better than me. I feel scared that I am boring and that I don’t have anything to offer, that I’m small and tiny and I feel sooo triggered. I feel awful, and I feel so mad that I go numb, and then scared about messing up my “vibe,” and then ironically by worrying about it you make it worse, and I am addicted to worrying, I am just worrying all the time about everything and I don’t know how to stop, I can breathe, in and out through my heart, but I feel so bad, so gross, I want to love it, I love you grossness, I love you fear and hurtness and anxiety, I love you wounded, bleeding heart, I love you jealousy and selfishness and anger and rage and bitchiness, I love that you’re so demanding, I don’t want to stuff you down, I want to embrace you, I won’t leave you behind and I’m going to take you with me, gather you up and take you with me along with my joy and bliss and good feelings, and I’m going to let you be heard by me, and I’m not going to abandon you, but I can’t let you control me anymore, I won’t let you down, I love you, all of you, you are all important parts of me, and I want to hug you and give you a rose. I love you but you can’t have control anymore. I will be in charge…

    If I lean back and open my heart, and let my thoughts go down into my pelvis, I can ask the voices in my soup some important questions. Is this guy going to pull his act together anytime soon? No. Am I going to wait for him to do that? No. Is that okay? Yes. Am I going to get this figured out? Yes. When? You already have it figured out. I do? Yes, of course, you know what you want. What do I want? I want to feel good. Okay, but I have to DO something because every day is full of tiny little actions that build up to your life’s work. So what do I want those actions to be? I don’t know. What makes you feel good? I feel good when I’m connecting with people, helping them. I feel good when I’m sharing my gifts and my knowledge. Okay, connection and knowledge. How do you use that? I present the knowledge and it resonates with others and I feel good. Okay. And what else do you want? I want to give love to myself so that I don’t NEED it from any guy. IS THAT EFFING POSSIBLE? To love YOURSELF enough that you don’t NEED anything from someone else? I don’t know. It would feel weird because it would be POWERFUL, if you could give yourself what you think you need from others, then no one could ever have power over you, and that’s scary because it means you would be responsible for yourself. Okay, so I WANT to have CONNECTION and KNOWLEDGE and LOVE, but I’m SCARED of POWER and RESPONSIBILITY. Is this why you believe every little thing you do is going to completely turn him off and screw everything up, and yet you feel so dependent on him? YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE POWERFUL BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT SO YOU GIVE IT TO HIM. You give your power away because you believe it’s safer to do that! It’s safer if he’s the one who’s hurting you, but what if it’s you that’s hurting you? You don’t want the responsibility of being a self-sufficient, powerful woman, so you have drawn in this boy who is careless with you and you give him your power. His carelessness, his flakiness, his immaturity are things you don’t want to see inside yourself, and so he can have them and the POWER too. He is who he is, but he doesn’t have much to offer me: no financial stability, the possibility of being gone a lot, no definite commitment, off-and-on attention…Do I really WANT this? No, but I seem to want the pain that it causes me, or the payoff, is that if he’s flakey I’m steadier, if he’s immature I’m more grown up…because I’m scared that I’m flakey and immature? The grossness that I feel about those things in HIM are in ME too, and I want to love those things. Okay, never riffed on this, but I LOVE my immaturity, it’s okay!!! It’s okay to be immature because it means I have places to grow. I can blossom and bloom where I’m planted, and grow inside myself, and love every part of me, and give myself all the love and attention I want…immaturity is a starting point from which to grow up! But that’s scary, so scary, okay, yes, it’s scary to grow, but I love my fear, and I want to grow into the woman I’m born to be, I want to step laughing into my womanhood and love myself for all the mistakes and missteps and fatal attractions and pain. I always try to ACT so mature and serious because I feel deep down that I”m all small and not grown. Okay! It’s okay to be here where I am in this moment. It’s fine, and more than fine! I am young and that’s okay. I have much to learn and maybe that’s fine…I believe deep down that I am flakey, and so I try to be all sweet and compliant to counteract that. I am so afraid of disappointing others that I

    Oh crap I have to finish this later

  38.  #38Reshi on February 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Thanks Dorothea for your super inspiring story. Maybe having grown up super spoiled, I don’t have the strength that you have shown…but if you have it, there’s probably no reason I can’t find it somewhere inside. 😀

  39.  #39Dorothea on February 16, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Spoiled, shmoiled. So we grew up extreme opposites of each other, Reshi. Neither extreme is the answer to the whole picture. I struggle with feeling comfortable with “material comfort” stuff…I don’t know how to embrace being “spoiled” very well when it is, in fact, appropriate or deserved. I’m not strong enough to shed my poor white trash have-not identity to fully trade up for something more totally abundant and entitled.

    I feel like there is a lot I can learn from you. This blog rules because we can all learn from each other.

    What I’ve done isn’t about strength but about having a blanket faith in myself in terms of this thing to which I committed. And when the Nasty Voices mocked my faith in myself, I turned to just having faith in having faith in myself. It often felt/feels unnatural to basically fight against my identity as I knew it!

  40.  #40alias girl on February 16, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    i feel grateful for having a nice safe warm cozy apartment. i also feel uplifted and more free to have a more spacious, less cave-like condo.

    i feel grateful for feeling safe and not burdened or being hurt by unhealthy relationships. i also feel uplifted and more cheerful to have some friends and some men i am dating. i feel very ecstatic to have a boyfriend who loved, adored, understood and accepted me.

    i feel grateful for my current income. i alos feel excited and enthusiastic about all the things i am doing with my current greater abundant overflowing income.

    i feel grateful. i am manifesting my dreams. my dreams are manifest. thank you. i feel grateful for my happiness which i take with me wherever i go, in every situation and share with everyone i meet.:8

  41.  #41alias girl on February 16, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    dang why did i put my boyfriend in the past tense? i feel grateful and ecstatic to have a boyfriend i adore who LOVES, ADORES, UNDERSTANDS, CHERISHES. ROMANCES ME AND ACCEPTS ME! ! 🙂

  42.  #42heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    I’m very interested in the discussion between Dorothea and Reshi. I’m remembering my undergraduate days and feel excited and amazed.

    I set out with nothing, no money etc, but I was young and idealistic and didn’t care. Looking back, I unwittingly tapped into law of attraction stuff. Money isn’t everything, I never had much but I had a gorgeous place to live, and nice things in it, too – things given to me or found in a junk shop or that someone threw away, things I painted or covered in fabric or whatever.

    Faith, yes – not listening to the ‘warning wagging fingers’ (I get soooo triggered by folks who like to ‘warn’ and ‘advise’ – they can feck off).

    I feel sickened by our culture of ‘packaged’ lifestyles, I feel afraid of the feelings of dependency it’s touched on in me. I feel grateful to know I have a choice.

    One thing I feel confident about is that when I’ve set out on a path, without doubt – it always leads somewhere, and the means to progress always appears. It’s about focusing on the next-step only, not trying to foresee everything or forestall every potential problem. That just keeps me stuck and stonelike.

    Having told society to feck off, I got into growth/abundance stuff and really gave myself a hard time THINKING ‘I should’ this and ‘I should have’ that. Frollocks. Maybe somewhere I got caught up in the ‘freedom = low income’ Trap, but actually I don’t care anymore, because who’s judging (this is a busy conversation I’m having with myself here lol!) I have my own home and everything I need, I even have a good income lol!, just not the squillions some folks think one should be manifesting when somehow tuned in to the right channel. I feel shocked. I feel like I had a close shave with the ‘packaged lifestyle’ thing in another guise. I prefer gratitude and following my feelings to the next action, just navigating myself in what feels like the right direction and taking a step that way. That feels so easy and without doubt.

  43.  #43heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    AG – alongside ya! your comment sneaked in while I was typing – I feel cozy and warm and luvvin my apartment too, and grateful for everything!!

  44.  #44alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 3:34 am

    inspired by reshi i think maybe i should move to mexico? that might be really nice. i know parts of it are really poor but i might like it. well except that is is so outlaw. i mean there is no real law/justice system there so that’s kind of scary. hmmm. i just talked myself out of it in three sentences flat. ORDER. CANCEL. ORDER. CANCEL. ORDER. CANCEL.


    i want miracles and love and fun and perfect health and companions and a way of living that INSPIRES ME AND FEEDS ME. i feel trapped in my current life. and although sometimes i like it. sometimes (eh hem now) i do not.

    i feel ready for good change. i feel done with this old life. ack. maybe i should have a whole bunch of kids? see i would if that young man who wants babies would just call! hah hah. ah yes. ORDER. CANCEL. ORDER. CANCEL.

    I’m just going to go with the flow. i feel so tired of struggling and pining over things that aren’t. it is what it is. i feel discouraged. i love my disccouragment. i love my disatisfaction. i love my cramped feeling. i love my isolation and my shame. i feel gross. i feel like a blech. i love my feeling like a blech. anyway i took my blood pressure in the drugstore earlier tonight and i am way super healthy. and that made me feel really happy. i need to get my happy vibe back. i think i lost it when i went online looking for a great man.

    i want to feel at home around people. people feel at home around me. i want to feel that way around others. i feel toxic. i feel negative. i love my toxic negativity. i love my worry that it will screw up all my manifestation orders. i love myself. i love my ungodessy vibration. is ok. i accept myself. i love my ups and downs and zig zags to prgress. i love my new normal now feels like normal normal and i am ready for even better! i love that i am still awake even though it would be better if i were asleep now. i love my rambling on.

  45.  #45Daria on February 17, 2009 at 4:53 am

    I feel triggered. I feel judgemental. I feel judged. I feel stung. I feel pet peeve or pushed my buttons. I feel bad that I read that Alias girl thinks there is not a real law justice system in Mexico that might interfere with feeling good living there. I feel worried that is an image that people have of where I’m from too. I feel angry. I mean I think there is probably corruption. I feel really angry at America’s justice system. I feel really indignant and I think it is really unjust. In fact I feel that most of the world’s justice model right now is unjust. I feel angry. I feel so triggered. I feel guilty. I don’t want to feel guilty. I love my guilt. BTW I do not feel anger towards a person I just feel angry because of assumptions that I am making like thre is the general idea that certain places have a law/justice system and I feel like America is secretly the one with the bad justice system. Law may be enforced but it feels not too much like justice. It feels confusing and all mental and icky now. I just feel triggered. I feel triggered by people stereotyping me and I feel ANGRY at them… maybe… I feel sad and I feel all judgemental. ARRR GHARRR. I feel terribly embarassed. I feel mad at the world because it puts people in prison. I don’t want to have prisons. I feel mad. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like if I was Jesus I would tell people not to have prisons anymore and to help heal the people who commit and get hurt by crimes both. I feel so lost. The world feels scary and out of control. I want everything to be good and sometimes considering certain extremes I want to feel rage and hurt people. I feel hypocritical. I feel confused. I do know that I want to feel just and safe and also healing, merciful, compassionate, holy. Wow. That is a pretty far call. That is ok though. I love this part of me too. I feel like a burden came off from behind my shoulders. I feel Weeeird. I feel like smirking adn looking from side to side. I feel embarassed? I feel my eyebrows rising. I feel weird. I feel squeamish. I feel icky… Ick ick ick.

  46.  #46Daria on February 17, 2009 at 5:23 am

    Um so I just came back from kicking it with my Ex. I had a nice time hanging out. I had a real good practice of loving myself. My new feeling that I am noticing is “emotional trauma.” That is my name for the “frozen” feeling, which I realize comes up often, especially around sex.

    I even said. I feel numb. When I felt nothing when he was telling me he wants to be my boyfriend again and stuff like that. I felt numb inside and I said that, and he said… “so…is that bad?” and I thought about it and said no it’s not I felt so relieved, because I felt weird saying “I feel numb.”

    Also I feel good because I did not sleep with him even though he wanted to and I even felt a little bad and annoyed at the end because I felt rejected. I feel glad I did not sleep with him. He said why are you playing hard to get and I said I feel hard to get. Yay.

    Now after reading soem posts on the long post I realized i do NOT want to be a friend with benefits which is what I would be being, even as his girlfriend becasue that’s what it felt like last time. So I see where Rori says that exclusivity is convenient for the man because he seems to want that but without having to do the Romance. Nope. I want to feel good and earned? Worshipped. I want to feel worshipped and desired. More more more. I feel good I feel like I have a higher degree of difficulty. I feel amused and smug that “he didn’t get any” from me. Haha. I feel good that he wanted to and called me first (he says) as soon as he got back from LA. I feel amused. I want him to work hard. I don’t feel too much trust for him. He says we are going to see each other everyday and I feel curious. I wonder whatsup with this… and also I feel glad and proud of my self caring and self loving skills. Loving my feelings around him felt really empowering. It felt like nothing could go wrong as long as I was loving my feelings. Oh by the way, even him wanting to have sex with me felt kinda flattering. I remember when we were together and he would not want to have sex. Ha. Haha. I feel sooooo glad I did not have sex with him, well I didn’t even want to all that much and I feel like I should say that he has to “earn it.” I feel a little weird about that. What I mean is I have to really feel like I want to. and I don’t right now. It feels like I might later, if I’m feeling good with him… I feel attracted to him. But a lot of stuff he does STill gets on my nerves. Not as bad as before because I won’t put up with it and am probably havina different vibe. Well I will step my vibe up even more. I want romantic lavish attention and that’s just hte beginning. Yum for romantic lavish attention, even though that phrase is partly non-sensical it Sounds good. YUm yum yum. I feel good about myself and it’s all because of how I am treating myself. Not even the men. Because I felt myself starting to self-doubt, feel bad and rejected, and I said ok, I feel emotional trauma, I feel tightness and embarassment and shame and I love myself with these feelings. I just love myself and am close to unshakeable in my love. Maybe shakeable but I will be right back to the path of loving myself ASAP. that feels like being strong. I am very commited to staying on my horse. Lol. I feel like he is chasing me while trying to still look “laid back” and cool and jump on my horse but keeps slipping off. Haha. I feel powerful and amused. I feel dominant? I feel powerful… I feel kinda evil… I feel sneaky bruhahah… I feel admiring of myself… I feel amused… I feel sexy… I feel interested… I feel stuck and embarassed… I feel embarassed… I feel embarassed… I feel icky… hmm… I feel lik etrying to check out… I feel tense… I feel like I can love myself with these feelings right… grr… I feel my whole logic around that slipping away… am I supposed to be loving myself, or my feelings, or how was I doing it… oh yeah… he can’t help but love me as long as I am loving myself no matter how I’m feeling… Im loving myself even feeling embarassed, ashamed weird, resistant checking out… frozen emotional trauma… hehe… I love it… whatsup with all this emotional trauma… who knew I had so much “blankness” and he even said what’s wrong with it… I always thaught it was bad… no it just is… I feel blank… and I feel tight in the back of my neck and boofy near the bottom of my tummy… yes I made u pa feeling… boofy… lol… I feel boofy… boofy feels a little uncomfortable… ew ick blah its like bloated but that word makes me feel grosss… eWWwww… grosss… I feel like a sigh… I feel delighted by my feleings…

  47.  #47Katja on February 17, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Oh my god…so much going on here 🙂

    First-thank you,Heartbeat. I just signed for the sewing workshop and I feel so excited!!! Its great to hear that other woman are also that creative (I think creativity is a womanly virtue). So thats really amazing. It was fun to do that batik stuff (I think its called “tie-and-dye” and not batik,I don’t know,I can’t find it in the dictionary).

    I also want to say thank you to Kelly for mentioning this etsy-website. I just visited it and its a great inspiration. So thank you again!

    And I also followed the discussion between Reshi and Dorothea. Its a different system here in germany but its really interesting to hear the different points of view.
    I began an apprenticeship after finishing school and after finishing the apprenticeship I worked part-time at a law-firm and went to university beneath that. So I could pay my rent and food etc.from my salary and my parents paid the charges for the studies. I always wanted to be independent and I felt kind of guilty that my parents had to pay for the charges but my salary wasn’t high enough to afford them.

    I have a question to you,Reshi (or maybe someone else can tell me)! I read you have an ex-husband. Here in germany the ex-husband has to pay a monthly support to his ex-wife (not always but mostly). Isn’t this common in the USA? I’m just asking out of curiosity.

    And I have another question to all of you 🙂 I would like to know what you think about my english? It’s not my mother tongue,I learned it at school and try to keep it fluent by reading american websites and commenting here 🙂 But I learned the british english at school so I would like to know if you understand everything I write here and if the grammar is correct. I still have to use the dictionary occasionally 🙂

    Love and hugs,

  48.  #48Bethany on February 17, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Wow, this is a “meaty” entry with so much fascinating stuff going on with everybody…I can’t keep up so I’m going to start spewing questions at random: how do you follow your heart? How do you know what your heart wants when you’ve been told your whole life that what you want isn’t really what you want? You don’t want that, it’s frivolous, you’re spoiled, you’re ungrateful…you should do something to contribute to the world, don’t you want to do something to help people? You shouldn’t write about that, you shouldn’t like fashion, you shouldn’t think that way or say those things, and if you do, you’ll just get uncomfortable silence…

    Can we have Imaginary Relationships with ourselves? Can an Imaginary Relationship with the self, where you operate out of your deeply ingrained fears and patterns, turn Real when you filter through all that and get to the Voices in the Soup, as Rori calls them, that never steer you wrong? What if they sound just like the voices in your head? How do you know which is which? How do you trust yourself if you don’t know what is you and what is your programming? I know, it’s about your feelings…if a thought feels bad, it isn’t true, and it’s lying…

    Does anyone know anything about Chicago? People tell me it has twice the murder rate of NYC with half the population and that bodies get dumped into allies on a daily basis…does anyone know if it’s really a dangerous city to move to?

  49.  #49Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 8:58 am

    I feel so GROSS. My husband doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me, and is pretty much worthless. He’s pretty much worthless so why do I have an issue with his not loving or liking me?

    Because he does have some good qualities and if he did care for me then I could be happy about his good qualities. But no, he’s decided he’s going to give those good qualities to some other woman, someone “better.” I feel livid, I feel insulted.

    I don’t think men in the US are willing to pay maintenance anymore because women are expected to make their own living. My husband certainly isn’t going to. If children are involved the ex-husband will pay child support, but with no children, I’m on my own, minus 8 years of my life that I will never get back.

    I had been wondering whether it was healthy for me to feel so OK with this whole thing for so long. It is NOT OK. I am NOT OK with it. He should just have kept loving me and turned himself into a man that I WANT to be with. He should have given of himself to make me happy. Goddess knows I did for him for all those years and he didn’t appreciate a damn thing. Knowing that I “did it wrong” is NO consolation. Too little, too late. Knowing that I can be better for the next guy–what next guy? I have options in theory, but none that I would marry, and they aren’t offering it anyway. The one I’m seeing now is saying that he wants a relationship with a woman with sex involved and no ring expected. Hearing those words out of his mouth make all his compliments to me feel like so much LESS. If this is all I’m worth then FUCK it. I don’t need to see him, or anyone. They take up my time and give me nothing in return. My husband took 8 years of my life and gave me nothing in return, just said “oh, I didn’t want that.” If you didn’t want it then GIVE IT BACK. I want my 8 years back. I want my body’s health and function back. I permanently damaged my arms by working overtime when he couldn’t get a job. I feel so angry at him and all men, I just want to kill something.

    I am NOT bad or ugly or unlovable or unworthy of a great companion. My husband can eat a fat dick for trying to make me believe that I’m those things. I can’t stand the fact that he’s still alive. I feel hurt and angry and awful. I can’t stand to get businesslike emails from him saying that we should “push ahead” with things. Push ahead for what? So YOU can be free? That makes me want to sit on the paperwork out of spite. He says “we” but he’s just going to sit back and expect me to do all the work like ALWAYS. I feel very disrespected and disregarded by this man and can’t believe I ever loved him.

    Well, it’s easy for me to say I want HIM to eat a fat dick and die, but really maybe I want ME to eat a fat dick and die. I feel very angry at myself for all the wasted years and for not seeing the red flags so that I could get out with my dignity intact. I feel debased and RUINED and so very angry. I am apparently doing all the right things, keeping my anger to myself and dealing with people in the world the way I should.

    And ugh. I’m reading the compliments that another man wrote to me in an e-mail and I feel disgusted with him. He can’t even spell. And being right out there with the “I don’t want any kind of commitment”–ugh. Why am I going to see him again? Am I afraid I won’t ever see anyone better? BLARGHvomitontheblog. God. I liked him so much two weeks ago. Not so much now. OK. Just e-mailed my husband a paragraph full of angry feeling messages saying this does not work for me. Was easier than I thought. I feel a little better now but I really want to feel thoroughly GOOD. This post is long enough so I’ll riff elsewhere…

  50.  #50alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 9:01 am

    daria sorry what i said triggered you. yes, american system has corruption also but in a different way. the devil you know feels safer than the devil you don’t kind of thing. 😉 also i LOVE mexico, it’s people and culture. which is why i would want to live there. also love you xoxo

    thanks for the feelings regarding your ex and reminding what rori says about exclusivity as a matter of convenience sometimes. my ex keeps wanting to see me and it feels like he just wants sex or wants to keep things in this closed box of non girlfriend and i am following my feelings and i just don’t know. i tried just sex with him one time after we stopped seeing each other and it felt AWFUL. i imagine would probably feel just as awful now. but i miss him. i’ve kind of written him off as any sort of real option for ever being the kind of man i am looking for. well not that he’s not the kind of manm it’s more that his behavior towards me is not what i want. i feel repulsed. ah. there we go. that’s a feeling. i feel repulsed being thought of as as a sexual object only. i feel disgusted that he doesn’t call anymore or want to have conversations he just wants me to come over and watch tv. what is his problem? who cares but it’s nothing that feels good to me. well this is good. i have no other men on my plate. no exes except his droopy ass and no guys in my rotation and i Still don’t want his lame offer of tv watching with no phone calls ever. f that. no way. i feel offended. i feel disgusted. i feel extremely uninterterested. it would feel nice to be held though. ah well. that is how it would feel in my imagination. in my IMAGINARY scenario with him. not how it would feel in reality with him treating me like a sex objext only. i feel grateful daria triggered this dialogue with myself.

    katja your english is great!

  51.  #51Bethany on February 17, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Heartbeat–you said “One thing I feel confident about is that when I’ve set out on a path, without doubt – it always leads somewhere, and the means to progress always appears”…that’s awesome. If you care to share, how in the world do you pick a path to follow?

    Okay, I just checked my e-mail before I finished this, and way back when Rori wrote something on this blog from, and I liked it so I signed up for their occasional mailings, which is “Notes From The Universe,” and this is what today’s was:

    Until the really “great” stuff comes along…do the not-so-great stuff.
    The not-so-great stuff always leads to the great stuff. Whereas doing nothing pretty much leads to nowhere.

    And do it with a passion –
    The Universe

    Ha! It just all fits somehow, I don’t really know why but it does…do the crappy, hard stuff with a passion! That’s what I’m going to do today…

  52.  #52Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Bethany…getting in touch with ourselves is not an easy task and is an ongoing process. Personally, I write about my passions and things that make me happy…those things that I love about me…I journal a lot. It doesn’t really matter to me what people think I should or shouldn’t do. I do what makes me happy. Helping the world is a passion for some of us (I do volunteer once a week) and new shoes are for some of us (I buy new shoes about once a week too…lol) but, see, nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn’t want/like/do/say/think because those people are not in your heart. They don’t know. It would be like someone telling me I should like liver and onions…no matter how hard I try, that would never happen.

    If you’re having an imaginary relationship with yourself, it’s only because you still worry about what you “should” do because of what others say. So…yes…I do believe that until you are really in touch with your own passions and are really in a place where you can be honest with yourself and others about what those passions are (regardless of what others think) then you CAN and ARE having an imaginary relationship with yourself.

    As far as Chicago…I’ve been there twice. Once I was on the south side for a mission trip. Let’s just say I didn’t exactly belong…and saw way too much drugs and homelessness for me. The other time, I was visiting a friend. The location was beautiful (but WAY TOO COLD FOR ME…LOL). She loves it there and can’t imagine life anywhere else…

  53.  #53heartbeat on February 17, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Bethany – you FEEL it. You feel excited and interested and alive about something, then next thing you know, you’re looking up information on the internet, or making a call to join a group or ask a friend for details, whatever – then more often than not coincidences occur to take you down your path. Fabulous!

    Reshi – your anger is FABULOUS

  54.  #54Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Bethany, I live in Chicago. It is not as bad as people think! There are dangerous areas, but there are also a lot of safe, beautiful areas with nice people. It’s a huge metropolitan area, traffic is not as bad as NYC (but is still terrible during rush hour), public transportation is IMO very good.

    Pretty much anything you’re looking for, you can find at least a little bit of it in Chicago. It is a great city. (I am still leaving, though.) If you decide to move here while I’m still here, visit me! 😀

  55.  #55Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Also, I think girls like you are in high demand here…

  56.  #56Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 9:50 am

    OK, I need to stop hitting Submit and then finding new stuff to say to Bethany, lol!

    What you’ve written, about liking fashion vs. contributing to the world, sounds so much like my upbringing (I was raised Lutheran too, we get guilted like Catholics and don’t even get to go to confession and say Hail Marys to absolve ourselves…). I studied fashion design when I was in college because it was what I THOUGHT I wanted–and my family was constantly on me with “How are you going to contribute? How are you going to help the world?” And I was sitting there silently thinking, “FUCK the world, I’m going to do what I want.” Except in my case, it wasn’t really what I wanted at all. I mean I’ve always been interested in fashion–I almost think any woman who says she isn’t is lying to herself–but to do it as a living? That’s only because I thought people would think I was “cool” if I was a fashion designer and not a scientist, which was what I wanted to be when I was really little. Of course there’s not a damn thing WRONG with being interested in fashion or doing it as a profession.

    The negative, pushing-down voices on the outside are often a reflection of what’s going on on the inside–but the negative voices on the INSIDE are usually there because someone said something bad to you on the OUTSIDE before! It becomes a horrible death spiral. To me it feels like an angry blackness with a strong, vortex-like wind and free radicals rushing around doing damage to everything. And listening to the True Voice on the inside, the one that often can’t be heard over the yelling of the negative voice, feels like a clear fountain bathed in sunlight, with beautiful green plants surrounding it. If you come to Chicago, I will take you to the botanic garden sometime, because it’s really gorgeous, and I swear to Goddess it’s full of an amazing loving energy. The only downside is that after feeling that energy, you might find that your standards for men have gone up…

  57.  #57Katja on February 17, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Thank you Reshi for answering my question.

    And thank you Alias Girl for answering my other question about the english. Feels good to hear!

    I don’t have so much to say right now…maybe I’m coming back later and see whats happened here.

    Have a nice day! 🙂

  58.  #58Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    So my husband just e-mailed me a f*cking book, falling all over himself to make sure I knew he wasn’t trying to screw me over or make me do all the work. I guess there is something to this feeling message thing–even with HIM. It never worked with him before, but today when i’d emailed him, something clicked in me–it’s NOT about trying to get HIM to understand and respect my feelings. It’s about ME respecting my feelings enough to communicate them, and respecting myself enough to communicate them in a non-attacking manner.

    I cried when I read his e-mail and didn’t really know why i was crying. It’s not really important, the why, just that I was able to feel SOMETHING.

    He’s trying to set up an appointment with a mediator (my idea, that was what I’d originally emailed him about) so now I’ll have to see him–but at least I feel good that there’s some hope that the finances will get handled decently and I won’t be screwed. Yae 😀

    And click through to my blog for an awesome song/video that to me is all about what the masculine/feminine energy balance SHOULD look like.

  59.  #59Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Reshi: “respecting myself enough to communicate them in a non-attacking manner”…I love that line. That’s exactly how I feel. I tell others what I think/feel but I respect myself enough to let it all out in a way that doesn’t degrade me. I don’t “lose it”…I speak softly (or in your case email) and in facts and feelings. I don’t accuse…I tell how I feel. I don’t even know you and yet I’m so incredibly proud of you. I hope you’re proud too. I remember when I started standing up for myself in a respectful manner…it felt so good. I felt powerful and strong and most of all CONFIDENT. I hope I never let that feeling go…and I hope you have it and never let it go either.

  60.  #60Daria on February 17, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    I just read through Rori’s e-mail today and I really liked the Heart in the Computer tool. It feels really in step to what I was practicing last nite which was loving myself with the weird “emotional trauma (frozenness)” and angry and embarassed feelings.

    Now here’s the scenario I feel triggered by right now. This guy calls me he seems cool, he wants to start a sexual conversation (maybe too early for him, but if I’m attracted I’m almost always down for a sexual conversation – and now I feel amused and proud and embarassed and a little afraid to look you guys in the eye – I feel vulnerable? hmm) ok so what I feel is worried that I will not feel very much attracted to him and I don’t want to share that. I want to CLAMP down on this feeling and I feel it tense in my thighs. Arrggh. I feel ashamed and embarassed. I want to feel good with all my emotions, oh I feel awful right now. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS OR DRIVE HIM AWAY.

    What do I say, what do I say. I’m feeling panicked and pressured I don’t know if I feel sexually attracted to you and I do not want to hurt your feelings or drive you away because I feel interested in you.

    I don’t feel worthy of your attention if I don’t give you what you want which is sexual attraction? I feel bad awful bad, insecure, unworthy. I feel unworthy of your attention. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel emotional trauma (I’d go with frozen on that one if I was speaking out loud lol). I feel soooooo nervous? I feel sOooo uncomfortable. I feel SOOOO Uncomfortable not knowing whether I will feel sexually attracted to you or not. I feel worried not because I don’t really right now, but it could be yes and I feel out of control and I feel unworthy. Please leave me alone I feel unworthy of your attention. AAAAGh… I feel tense in my neck. I LOVE all my feelings. I LOVE my confusion. I love my feeling sooo CRAMPED and uncomfortable and vulnerable. I feel like I am open to being rejected… I don’t know if I feel sexually attracted to you or will in the future, I feel interested in you as a person and feel really uncomfortable right now.

    I feel ashamed and antsy. I feel soooooooooooooooooooo awkward. I feel like I am being wracked with uncomfortableness. EGh glughhhh ewwggh. I feel my neck coiling and uncoiling, and huhuh, and my shoulder cramping and I love all my feelings. I feel smily. I feel sooooooo weird and uncomfortable.

    I feel scared, weird worried. I feel worried I won’t feel attracted to you. I feel worried you won’t want to talk to me if I say that because it will hurt your feelings and you are looking for sex and someone who is sexually attracted to you and I reallyunderstand that because duh I would want someone I am interested in romantically to be sexually attracted to me. I feel sigh.

    I feel emotional trauma, and heat in my face and tummy. YOU guys I am really going through it here with all these emotions!!! whoa… I feel so INTENSE. my wrist feels heavy and my cheekbones feel heavy and hot, I feel hot and kinda sexy. Hmm…

    I Feel so guilty!! I feel guilty for not feeling sexual attraction for you. I want to run away from you now. I don’t want to feel rejected. I feel bad I don’t want to reject you. I still feel frozen in my wrist now, although I like emotional trauma because frozen sounds cold and it doesn’t feel cold. I feel squeezing in my tummy and hotness in my cheeks. I feel EMBARASSED. I might be blushing. I usually like it when I feel blushing and not being able to look someone in the eye, I feel sexy feeling shy.

    I feel AWFUL. I feel tortured and wracked. I CANT go out and say it. ok if he was not to hear it I would say. I feel liek this guy is coming on to me sexually and I don’t really feel attracted to him and I feel really awkward and uncomfortable because I want to get to know him and date him.

    That felt like a shake just coming from my shoulder through my torso. I feel all heavy and staarting to feel a little sad now, a little despairing, and now my head just started hanging down


    Ok. Thank you. I hear you and I am in charge and we are practicing expressing our feelings.

    I feel worried about feeling rejected. I do not feel like sexually turned on by you (yet) and I am feeling like that is important to you right now and I feel like I am not good enough for you.

    Ok. That actually felt a Liiitle better.

    I feel uffff. I feel like I am trying to hard.

    I feel like I don’t like YOU. I don’t feel attracted to you. And I do feel attracted to you too. I feel needy. I Want you to like me and want to see me and fall in love with me. I feel cold and uncaring and weird and not good enough.

    I feel really tense and uncomfortable because I Am feeling like I am not good enough for you, and not totally attracted to you sexually.

    I feel tired of this, I feel frustrated. I feel annoyed. I feel like I should Punish you for my feeling upset and confused and all worried about rejection.

    I feel like oh will he still like me oh will he pick me like I am in a big girl lineup and I feel so nervous and insecure.

    Im feeling really insecure. I dont feel sexually turned on. And I feel angry about feeling insecure. I feel angry. I do not want to feel rejected. I Want to reject you first. Go away. Do not call me anymore. I fee Pressured. I feel GROSSS AND ICKY!!!! GET LOST. I love my feelings…. I love all my feelings and my RAGE that is trying to protect me. I don’t feel safe. I’m not sure if I can give you what you want, if I WANT to give you what you want, I feel I can’t I feel I won’t I feel like all bad about myself and I want to run away from you, really far to where I don’t have to feel so embarassed and awful.

    I feel overwhelmed. I feel angry now. HOW DARE YOU cause me to feel such intense feelings. I DO NOT1 like you. I DO NOT! feel sexually attracted to you. AND I FEEL GUILTY. I feel obligated. I feel ANNOYED. I FEEL ANGRY. I FEEL JUDGED. I feel like if I do not feel these feelings for you (which right now I don’t. I Don’t.) then I will get rejected and feel even more GUILTY and I do NOT want to cause myself pain because I am loving myself here.

    I feel Annoyed because if I were approached another way than I might be able to feel them but you are doing waht you do and I feel not good right now. RAAAAAURRRGGH. I feel FRUSTRATED. I feel pinching under my nose. That feels like smiling. I love the pinching under my nose. Wow. That really honest to goodness feels cool that I noticed the pinching. I love it. Heeeee. It feels so cool and personal and secret to have a pinching going on under your nose…. wheeeeee. I feel silly and smily.

    I feel like not taking this guy’s phonecalls now. I do not know what to say. I feel like my being sexually attracted to you is REALLY important to you and I feel a little turned off by that. that was kinda good!

    I feel a little turned off that I am picking up a vibe that I should feel sexually attracted to you, and I’m feeling like I’m not good enough for you and I feel angry feeling that. I don’t want to feel not good enough or rejected. I feel emotional trauma right now. I love my emotional trauma.

    I am picking up a NEEDY vibe from YOU! And I feel a little turned off? hmmmmmh

    I don’t feel turned on. I feel interested in meeting you and I feel apprehensive.

    I FEEL TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. I don’t like feeling this I’m not good enough feeling. I LOVE MY UNWORTHY FEELING. I LOVE YOU UNWORTHY FEELING. I LOVE YOU ME… I love me feeling unworthy. I love the checking out and the heaviness in my wrist. I love the MEGA INTENSITY Of my emotions. I love IT. Ohhhh my GOD.

  61.  #61Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Daria: How about “hold on there cowboy…you’re moving a little fast aren’t ya? I feel a little uncomfortable with that right now, but if I ever get there with you…hang on to your hat!” LOL

    That’s a bit of a joke but…it’s flirty…it won’t kill his ego…if he’s only after sex he’ll leave (which is a GOOD thing) but…if he’s intrigued (which I think he will be), he’ll slow it down and wait to see if you feel the attraction.

    I’m with ya on the “up for sex talk” though…it’s fun…with the right guy and knowing he can be trused and you can be free…WOW!! 🙂

    Good luck!

  62.  #62alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    i feel self hatred and i don’t want to admit that. i feel angry. i feel angry at this blog for not magically making everything great and perfect like a magazine picture. i feel sad. i feel devastaed. that feels like and ice pcik in my chest. i feel sad eyes and heavy eyes. i feel angry that life is ridiculous and meaningless. i feel a burning inside my chest. i feel a tight right jaw. i feel tears. i feel a quivering lip. i feel abandoned. ? i feel heavy. i feel so heavy. i feel a crinkle between my eyebrows. i feel energy in my shoulders. i feel self hatred. i love you self loathing. i love you shame. i feel like damaged goods. i feel ugly. omg. i feel awful. i don’t want o feel this. i don’t want to go here. why can’t i just be happy all the time? am i doing this to myself? i feel confused. i feel angry.i feel alone. i feel like batman????? ok. that made me smile in reflecting on it. i feel lighter. i feel so embbarrassed for feeling those things. i just want to be whole and perfect. i want to accept all of me. i don’t want to wallow in the negative. i feel confused. if i focussed only on the positive wouldn’t that be ok? i mean don’t i get to choose from the soup? why would i choose to focus in on the shame and self loathing? blech. that feels like a bad taste. i feel scared. i feel really f ing angry. why? ?? why batman why? heehee.

    i feel better. weird. i feel angry. i feel angry. i love my anger my mysterious unreasonable anger. thank you mysterious anger. i love you. please reveal your secrets to me. i feel angry bc you are a hideous bitch.

    wow. i feel hurt. i feel attacked.

    i feel angry bc you are a horrible selfish unenlightened mean ugly person.

    i feel sad and upset. i feel a whole in my heart.

    i feel angry because i despise you and your ugly fearful tiny tiny life. you are worthless. you deserve less than you have.

    i feel really upset. i feel devastated. i feel wounded. who is that voice? it’s so mean?

    i am the devil and i hate you and i will kill you slowly with apathy and hopelessness and isolation.

    i feel sad devil. you sound like you are in a lot of pain and like maybe you have not been shown a lot of compassion in your life. but since you are obviously a part of me i accept you fully and would like to offer you this rose. the devil looks really confused. almost like i handed him kryptonite. it’s ok devil. i love you and understand how you came to be. i will not abandon you. i love how strong and focussed you are. i want to welcome you into the family. i love you very much. i hope we can be friends. also one last thing. i am in charge here. but i am very happy you are here with us all. i feel confident we can all grow together and be a very dynamic loving team.

  63.  #63alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    i feel very loving for myself. i feel compassion. odd. it’s an odd process. and weird too how these deep intense feelings rise to surface.

  64.  #64Dorothea on February 17, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Katja, your English is 10/10. I study modern languages and linguistics (French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese and Universal linguistics) so I am very interested in foreign languages and speakers. When I read that you live in Germany, I figured you grew up speaking English at home. I would even say that you write better than most native English speakers I see on the internet leaving comments on blogs:P 🙂 Really good job!

  65.  #65Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    I feel icky. Bottom line, I do not have a man in my life in the physical world who loves me. I have a few who like me, and a few more who THINK they like me–and I’m not really excited about any of them. The ones I was excited about have dropped off, stopped calling, stopped emailing, talked about asking me out and not followed through.

    It was nice to have one who loved me. The love covered a hundred thousand things he did wrong. Because he loved and cared for me, I tolerated a lot. Once he stopped loving me, I couldn’t tolerate a damn thing about him.

    I want to feel loved again. I feel lusted after and that is nice and all–but I want to feel LOVED. Like, get-me-to-the-altar, crash-on-your-rocks, passionate love. Love at first sight. And I want it to be a man worth surrendering to. I want to feel like I’m coming home to a man who will drop everything he’s doing to welcome me home. If he’s in bed when I get home, he’d turn around and embrace me when I climb into bed with him. Ugh, that almost sounds like I want a wife. I don’t. I just want a man who really cares. Is that too much to ask?

  66.  #66alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    i want what reshi said. except til she got to the wife part. 😉 i want love at first sight, don’t want to live without you, i am there for you quirky alias girl, please please please pick me and i am going to come crashing on your shore in hopes that you do.

    i want to feel safe enough that i can allow myself to feel the same way about him.

    i love romance. xoxoxo <3 <3 <3

    i love my idealism. i can accept flaws. c’mon. i just accepted my DEVIL. i am capable of accepting flaws. he doesn’t need to be perfect just perfect for me! i want that too. hah. i feel excited.!

  67.  #67Bethany on February 17, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    Oh my God, Reshi, you live in Chicago, the town I am interested in, and you studied fashion, one of the areas I’ve been exploring! Crazy synchronizing universe. Thank you so much for the “insider info” on Chicago (I feel better knowing I wouldn’t necessarily immediately get knifed after five minutes in the city) and your perspective on design, as someone who dedicated her studies to it. I feel the same about, kind of, the same push-pull to do something “meaningful” and to do something that feels pretty “me-me-me,” like design is. I am soooo drawn to it and I really want to always have it in my life, but I don’t know about as a living. If I could do it for myself and sew as a hobby that could feel good, so I’m journaling now…and yes, it’d be awesome to meet a blog friend (a “blend”?) if I come to Chicago!!! 🙂

    heartbeat and Mercedes, thank you for your replies…I can feel the confidence that both of you have in FEELING your way towards a good path, and I feel like hearing about other women doing it gives me more confidence too…journaling is a great idea, I’m going to do that lots lots lots tonight!

    Katja, I wouldn’t have know you weren’t a native English speaker if you hadn’t said so. Your English is great.

  68.  #68aliasgirl on February 18, 2009 at 1:18 am

    so i had this realization that i get triggered by victims. just like in one of my riffs i had this hateful vioent reactiob to my trauma girl part of me. and now with this whole rihanna/chris brown thing. i mean i never like rihanna’s music to begin with but i don’t personally know either of them so how can i possibly have an insightful opinion on what went on between them?. but in my mind SHE PROVOKED HIM. hmmmok. so there is something about me that has compassion for abusers but not for victims.

    i think i might go back into therapy. which REALLY BLOWS. bc i spent so much time doing self help and therapy and really i still am and i’m tired of it. but let’s face facts. no friends. no boyfriends. no family. hiding out in a shittyass job bc afraid to be seen for my creative work.

    really. probably a romantic boyfriend is the last thing i should be worrying about. i feel sadness. i feel like i’m in the same place i was twenty years ago. i’m not. but in this moment i feel like aa failure. a compassionate self loving failure but a failure. i love my comparing myself to perfect lives in magazines. i love my alienation and fear. i love my feelings of failure. i love mty tight jaw. and my tears. i love my compulsion with this blog. i love feeling like everyone else is living these glamorous sky diving familial, happy go lucky , full of friends, lives. i love my grossly inaccurate and out of proportion perceptions. i love my convenient memory erase of all that i HAVE done and accomplished and experienced and all the people i have made connections with and made a positive difference in their lives.
    i love feeling like people will judge me negatively and knowing i will survive no matter what.

  69.  #69Mercedes on February 18, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Hey ladies…I’m feeling a little sad because in order for me to keep doing what I need to do to be happy always (which is my committment to myself)…I need to leave this blog. I will continue to ready Rori’s blog, but not the comments. I jumped right into this thing and started telling my story and offering advice but…I should have read it first and decided whether or not this was what I was looking for. I have gone back and read over 100 posts and I discovered this isn’t what I need but I am confident I will find that place online (or maybe I’ll create my own blog and hope others will join me).

    You see, I am here to learn so that I do not make mistakes in my relationship. I guess I thought this blog was about women asking questions about how to handle a specific situation (using Rori’s tools) and others would give advice and encourage and help each other along the way.

    What I’m finding instead is a lot of feeling sorry for ourselves, lack of confidence and jealousy (especially when it comes to people who are in happy relationships). I have read so many posts where people are embracing their feelings of hatred and worry and generally being upset, but it’s hard to find someone who truly embraces those feelings and then LETS THEM GO. That’s what I need. I need stories of women who have made mistakes and learned from them…who felt sad but used a tool and learned from it…who have advice for each other on what to do…and who do not constantly tell each other how much dislike they find in themselves and in men.

    I’m so sorry…I know this is a place where anyone is free to express their emotions and I respect that (a lot) but…it simply is not what I’m looking for.

    I wish you all the very best though. Keep applying the tools Rori has to offer…they REALLY work (seriously…I’m like a walking commercial for her). But…for some…use the tool to get better…not to keep reminding yourself of how awful things are. Please…get to a happy, confident, loving place and if at all possible, help each other get there.

    Much Love

  70.  #70Katja on February 18, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    First I want to say thank you to Bethany and Dorothea for answering my question-feels really good to know that my english is really good! Wow 🙂

    Second…I feel sorry that Mercedes wants to leave this blog. But on the other hand there are things I can agree with when I am reading her comment.

    So Mercedes-if you read this I want to tell you that your story,your comments helped me a lot. I agree with what you wrote in your last comment and I decided not to read the comments which do not help me. But on the other hand I see that maybe some women who write here on this site are further on the journey and others are not that far yet. And I accept that. Maybe one woman needs only some weeks to come far and another one needs some months. I myself needed some time to figure things out and really get what I have to do,too.

    I see that some women might seem to be stuck in their situation but maybe they aren’t and it only seems to be to others. I am not the one to judge anyone.

    So what I want to say-you can still get help here and ask about a specific situation and advice. And I am sure you will get the advice or you may give advices to others. And I feel you have a lot to give,so I would be sad if you leave this blog. But on the other hand it is your decision and if you don’t feel well here than I will accept that,too.

    I wish you all the best (and I hope you read that!).


  71.  #71heartbeat on February 18, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Mercedes – I feel so sad you’re leaving! In fact I feel a real sense of loss, you’ve felt like a familiar to me, and you’re in a relationship, as I am, and also Katja. I read your comments with a huge amount of enthusiam. Often what you write chimes with me completely – if I wasn’t feeling so jaded at the moment I would be writing more myself. It’s like you’ve been writing for both of us!

    But I do feel jaded. I’ve been resting and planning stuff, like getting my flat organised and booking on some courses. And practising the tools on myself.

    Sometimes I feel lonely on here – I too have hoped for more ‘in-relationship’ sharing, and more on how the tools are working for each woman. AND everyone has given me some nugget of gold at some point…. But I feel a little lost. I’m letting a lot of new learning sink in.

    I’ll really miss you, Mercedes! I admire your honesty in saying how you feel, and making the decision based on your commitment to feeling happy. That’s such an inspiration!


  72.  #72Katja on February 18, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Ah,I wanted to ask something,I forgot that in my last comment.

    Ok,here is my question:

    How can I lean back when I am busy with doing the household, taking care for my daughter and also doing a lot of things for myself to make and keep myself happy?

    I feel like there is almost no time to sit down and just lean back. Or am I getting the “leaning back-tool” wrong?

    Thanks for advices.

    Heartbeat-I feel like you’re kind of a twin-sister of me 🙂 I read what you thought about money in one of your comments and I think the same way.

    I just had to laugh-my boyfriend just passed by and asked if I am writing about my silly boyfriend. He’s so cute 🙂

  73.  #73Reshi on February 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    I too will miss Mercedes. I felt inspired by her success, it seemed like she was doing everything right, like all the self-love and radiance was just second nature to her.

    I also kind of feel judged by her last comment–like oh no, I’m a “downer,” oh, I’d better shut up unless I have something positive to say. I mean, I think we ARE helping each other get to a happy, confident place, and have been, but now I feel judged for it taking too long.

    I’ve also been looking for more women sharing happy stories, talking about relationships that work, and said so–and now I feel like I drove away someone who had a lot to share, and that feels very sad.

  74.  #74Rori Raye on February 18, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Alias Girl – I think therapy would be fabulous for you – and everything you say is totally consistent with abuse…this is not a snap of the fingers cure kind of thing. This is step-by-step through the minefield. Here’s a book idea:

    Growing Beyond Survival by Elizabeth Vermilyea.

    Look around at Peter Levine’s Waking the Tiger, too – though it’s very intense, it explains how this mindset you have, almost a syndrome of identifying with the abuser out of terror that’s embedded in the cells of your body. This is not just your mind, it’s in your body.

    And I’d like to recommend a specialized therapist for you (for any of you who’d like to try something different and great-feeling. Her name is Emily Van Horn, she’s in Los Angeles, and she works by phone, too. I’ve done sessions with her and sent clients and friends – she does Somatic Trauma Resolution (I talk about this in Targeting Mr. Right – and someone to work with is great.) Don’t bother with talk therapy. You need body/mind therapy.

    Emily Van Horn – (310) 904-3698

    Also, Maya Rasak, who’s in Targeting Mr. Right – is an amazing therapist…

    Please – keep doing the Tools the way you’re doing them, and working it out in the world. Notice when you are in flight mode, when you’re in fight mode (the anger that came up around Rihanna’s abuse), when you’re going numb. By the way – I’m a rape survivor and crisis counselor – and when we think that we’ve PROVOKED a man – that’s our way of gaining mastery, of getting control. In other words – it was your fault, so you could have prevented it…etc. It’s not your fault. It’s not Rihanna’s fault.

    Truth is – HE did it, she didn’t. The match is unfair. Love, Rori –

  75.  #75alias girl on February 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    thank you rori for taking the time to provide that information. i will definitely get those books and also call lynn. i appreciate your compassionate and understanding (and wise) response regarding the rihanna/chris brown thing.
    thank you.

    as this blog is relatively new and has kind of evolved in the comments section as time went on i am wondering if it is neccessary to request clarification about guidelines to commenting? is there an intention in place regarding people commenting and what we are hoping to accomplish/manifest/express with people posting comments?

    my intention has always been to be as honest as i can while still maintaining respect for myself and others. i am sure i have not done perfectly but that has always been the intention in my mind. i am willing to curtail the depth of my honesty/process in order to maintain equlibrium if that is what is neccessary. i realize not everyone is a trauma survivor so it could be overwhelming to a reader who does not relate or has never experienced such confusion. i realize this is a dating site. for me it is related but i understand for others it may not be. although i don’t understand why someone couldn’t just skip over reading my comments as soon as they read the words Alias Girl.

    i feel compassion for myself and the other women on this blog. my intention is to contribute in a way that is in accordance with it’s created purpose.

  76.  #76heartbeat on February 18, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Alias Girl – I value your transparency and openness in your comments, and I think you write with integrity. Thank you! I’d like more comments from women in my situation, not less of anyone else. I’m a trauma survivor too. I’ve learned so much here.

  77.  #77heartbeat on February 18, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Katja – awwww I feel warm and open reading your comment to me, thank you! I’m moved by the twin sister idea. My own sister is ill and it reaches into some deep places in my heart. I feel like crying and am also joyful.

    Leaning back – feels to me like focusing on anything except HIM. So as I’m a mother too (though he’s nearly 20) that might mean taking care of us both, or it might mean I do other boy stuff of my own, pay my bills or go on a course. Or it might mean receiving from someone or something else, or giving myself a warm bath or a stimulating windsurf. Hey – I’m training to be a windsurf instructor!!! Loads of men alert!!! 😉

    Coincidence that you should mention it – because this evening I leaned back when my man didn’t call. Weeks ago that felt weird. I’d feel abandoned and angry, then guilty and worried – so I’d call. But these days I am no longer impelled or interested in doing that, though I’m still aware I’m doing it, but it’s nearly ‘second nature’. He lost his job, he gets low and withdraws. But he did call, later than usual, and by then I was enjoying my bath and genuinely felt warm and open. Whereas a few months ago I’d have been saying ‘oh I was worried’ which put him on the defensive. My mother used to say that and it would drive me crazy!

    Last night he went home after a lovely evening. he’s been doing that in the week and I decided to be brave and authentic. I wasn’t able to put it clearly in words, so when he texted goodnight, I wrote ‘I feel lonely. I miss the closeness I feel with you at the weekends’. His response was warm, loving and reassuring. I was tempted to explain about getting tongu-tied, but I just wrote ‘thank you for hearing me out’ and then goodnight. Wow I’m proud of myself!

    It happened gradually over the past few months, sometimes I’d feel the need to lean forward and call, sometimes my discomfort was too great, but now I can do it without the ‘kickback’ effect of not leaning forward.

  78.  #78Katja on February 18, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Heartbeat-feels really amazing to read what you wrote…

    I feel very thankful for finding Rori and this blog and sharing my experiences with all of you!

    Yes,Heartbeat,I think you are right about the leaning back. I focused all day on all the things I had to do and didn’t focus on my boyfriend-and it worked well.He came towards me-kissing,touching,it felt great!

    I am still struggling with my anger when I get triggered by something he says that critizises me. Sometimes I feel like throwing plates on the wall…and sometimes I am still acting out but I am working on that.

  79.  #79heartbeat on February 18, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Yeah me too, Katja – I got lots of affection and kisses too! It really works for the relationship, and it feels good – ‘integrity’ – for me too. Wow! I had such a lot of issues to process just to be able to do the simple thing of leaning back. First place I went, ALL THE TIME, was feeling rejected or abandoned. I feel SO relieved and grateful not to go there as vividly now!

  80.  #80heartbeat on February 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Goodnight everyone – bedtime in Blighty XXXX

  81.  #81Ann on February 18, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Hello ladies, I was out of town for a few days. I’m trying to catch up with all the post now. I had a fantastic time. I purchased some new clothes, perfumes and books. I got the book by Marie Forleo I’ve been wanting for a long time. However, I couldn’t find “Feel Good Naked” anywhere “sigh”. One of the best things about all the shopping was taking my time, enjoying myself, and talking to everyone.

    I’d like to share with everyone how I “take and give” to the ladies on this blog. I feel I take by practicing the tools, reading others comments. I feel like I give by sharing my experiences as honestly as I can. I feel like I give by being responsible for me. What I mean by that is if I start to read something that feels like it’s going to trigger me and I don’t feel like being triggered at the moment I skip over it. I have been reading and commenting here long enough to know for me there’s often the possibility to learn here. To share, to encourage each other.

    I’m trying to live more in “awareness”. Awareness meaning being non-judgemental of myself and others. Feel what I feel, speak my truth if there is a reason to speak and let it go.

    I’m trying to live more in “isness”. Isness being the ability to live in a world of “what is”. [presence] Living in the Now.

    I think you ladies are wonderful and I’m so glad Rori set this blog up where we can help each other even if we’re in different states and countries.

    Keep going forward one baby step at a time.

  82.  #82Daria on February 18, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I feel really angry and vengeful and triggered. I feel rejected. I feel strong and powerful with my rage. I feel like attacking. I feel vindicated. I feel emotional trauma in my face. I feel my heart beating faster. I feel sad. I feel angry. Thank you.

  83.  #83Daria on February 18, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    I am feeling really good. I feel a slight headache and I don’t feel like moving fast and that’s ok. I feel really good and I’m imagining what I want in my perfect relationship with my parents. Lol.

  84.  #84Alias Girl on February 18, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    so i made an appt with the woman rori referred, lynn. it’s as if the cells in my body KNOW they are about to get some relief. i feel calm and content and peaceful and hopeful.

    the very thing about feelings as that they are moment to moment. i feel happy. i feel weird. i feel sad. i feel tightness etc etc. daria is such an expert riffer on being able to follow her feelings as they MORPH. so if i keep getting stuck in this trauma groove it really is not natural in the sense of how we are built (in my opinion) i mean it is a natural response to trauma that has been TRAPPED in the body memory or psyche memory or wherever it was lodged bc it did not have a chance to discharge naturally. (ekhart tolle makes this great example about how ducks that get in a spat with each other flap their wings vigorously to discharge the energy and then just continue to float along gracefully. ) or children before they are skewed have a great ability to allow all their feelings a natural expression.

    anyway my body is very excited and relieved to perhaps have a chance to discharge trapped trauma and to reorganize itself to be a more fulfilled whole healthy organism. i feel relief just writing about it.

    i am on a good path. regardless of what it looks like from the outside. if i pretend my whole life what in the end do i have? a good image? i am far more interested in being the best me i can. in doing everything in my power to find wholeness and meaning and compassion and happiness and romance and health and purity and connectedness and contribution and fun. and for me the only way i have found to get there is through honesty. i try not to make my problems the responsibilty of others and i try not to take on other people’s problems. i try to be as respectful as i can and sometimes fail miserably when i am triggered by another person’s words or deeds.

    i feel empowered by my honesty. even if that honesty is embarrassing or not what i want my Image to be. i can pretend and stay stuck or i can riff and fly out of my cage. riffing is flollowing the feelings from my understanding. the murky soup not always pretty feelings. i do NOT feel PROUD

  85.  #85Alias Girl on February 18, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    or ecstatic by most of my riffing.but i do feel an immense amount of compassion and love and acceptance for myself and hence for others as well. i will make a lovely godessy grilfriend bc of my riffing not in spite of it.

    riffing is tool. TOOL. and a very valuable tool in my opinion.

    i do not want to be criticized on my riffing by people or persons who have probably never even riffed or utilized that tool. i have compassion for people being triggered by my riffing by i do not feel good being criticized or told to cheer up.

  86.  #86Daria on February 18, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    Hi Alias Girl… do you mean her name was Emily or is it someone else Rori suggested to you? I am interested in doing this too. I feel major “stuck” trauma sometimes and only realized that this was a feeling the day before yesterday. It was not really sinking in what Rori was saying that the “frozeness” is trauma. Trauma in my mind’s eye was being hit on the head with a blunt object. I didn’t really “get” trauma. I had a little shift when I was watching and practicing EFT from a youtube and the guy was saying… I now realease all emotional trauma… and I was like ok that’s cool, and then I realized its the STUCK FEELING. I did really well riffing with it then because I now recognize it and have it catalogued with other named feelings. Not that I have to name the feeling but for me sometimes it helps.

    I got off path here… what I want to say is that I am interested in working with the therapist Rori recommended too, that is if I feel brave enough to spend some money right now. Which as of yet I don’t. RAUGH. I want to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

    I feel icky and I feel embarassed about something. I feel trauma. I LOVE myself with my feelings. I LOVE my feelings. I feel tense and scared around my mom right now, and guilty, and afraid. I feel very vulnerable to attack, on edge, scared. I feel pinched under my right shoulder and overwhelmed. I feel sad. I want to book an appointment with the therapist too, right now. I want to spend and feel confident that I will make it back and be able to pay my bills, even though I haven’t for the past two months. I did pay a few of them this month though. URGGHUHHH.

    I love my sad shamed self. I love me. And that feels like a sigh of relief. I love my fear of my family. I love my fear of being happy around them when I know they are mad at me. I love the forced gloominess I impose on myself even though I know I CAN be happy and smily and in a good mood regardless of that they think I shouldn’t and I don’t deserve to be in a good mood because I did something “bad” to them, and that my Dad said he thinks I shouldn’t be going out considering (the little) I am doing as far as working. Fortunately I seem to still be able to go out. I feel a little confused here by myself. I feel angry and annoyed that I feel like they want me to feel bad because I’m not doing anything. I think I’m not doing anything because I feel bad is my take on it. So I want to feel good, then when I Feel good I am much more motivated. But meanwhile I am living here and I feel guilty feeling exhuberant right now. Lol. That feels funny. It’s like I am a kid who is supposed to be punished and not be happy. I know if I am happy and smily that either there will be a massive emotional attack on me or else the opposite and everyone will relax and have a nice time. I feel trauma and my body does not want to relax around them because it is scared of option 1. Which has chances of happening even with me feeling bad. So I was going to go to sleep early to avoid this, but now I haven’t. I feel all lost in my head right now. I feel squeezing in my shoulder, I feel pouty lips, and I love the squeezing in my shoulder and my pouty lips. I feel shame and I love my shame. I feel Terror and I love my terror, and I love my grossness and I love my relief and I love that I now journal with ease. I feel so glad I can talk about how I feel. Yay.

    I even wrote in a new journal I bought for myself and carry around. I named it Batik Beautiful (insipired by Katja).


  87.  #87Daria on February 18, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    I feel betrayed. I feel outraged. I also feel included and bonded (with the other Goddesses in my floating journal).

  88.  #88Alias Girl on February 18, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    hi daria yes emily.where did i get the name lynn? she seemed Really really sweet on the phone and after i got off the phone with her i went to her website and just started crying. i feel i could cry right now. i don’t even feel directly sad as related to the crying but like the crying is completely old stuff. i almost feel blissful that i am crying bc it’s been pent up MY WHOLE LIFE.

    i wish you the best in your current financial situation daria. baby step by baby step you will find your way. the two are related. your money and your trauma. i feel tears. i feel a quivering lip. i feel like i am taking care of myself and caring for my family of sleves within me. i feel really good and grateful and relieved about that.xoxo

  89.  #89Daria on February 19, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Thanks Alias Girl. Ok. I now want to do the trauma therapy too… especially with your suggestion that my money and trauma are related. It makes sense that they would be.

    I was going to try and do a session with this Robert Eft healer I found on youtube but was holding back because of current lack concept and not wanting to spend money, and also because I worked on EFT before with some pretty well known healers in their field and I didn’t feel that it was completely successful for me. Now I feel motivated to work with this trauma work lady especially since Rori recommends her. I might just contact her tomorrow. I feel excited to hear how it works for you !

  90.  #90Reshi on February 19, 2009 at 1:04 am

    I feel happy that Rori sent Alias Girl a good therapist. I’m struggling with an icky, stuck, depressed feeling right now too, I keep mentally Riffing it out but it keeps f’n coming back. It’s that stupid lead ball in between my eyes that I’m always bitching about.

    At least I KNOW, from previous experience, that I don’t ALWAYS feel that–so therefore I don’t always have to feel it. I’m feeling nervous because I think I may have lost my job, but won’t know until tomorrow morning. If I did, I’m going to be in a financial panic–but hopefully I can file for unemployment and ride that out until I can find another job, or manifest my volunteer job turning into a paying one. Or I can start work on my friend’s wedding dress which is due in just over a year. I would be OK with having one less commitment in my life right now.

    I feel better now. Just a heaviness in my shoulders and I bet that would go away if I took off my 10-lb winter coat. Yeah, it did. But the grossness in my head is back. 🙁

    I don’t like that I’m back in contact with my ex. I know there are things that need to be straightened out, but everything he has to say brings me down.

    Then again, I have two other exes in my life now who have been a constant source of comfort though neither is dating material. Both of them were people whose hearts I broke back in the day, and they really hated me at the time, but they seem to have both grown up and forgiven me.

    …you know what that means, it means I have MALE FRIENDS…what a shock!

  91.  #91heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 3:01 am

    I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel wary. I feel unsafe.

    My stomach is churning. I feel like backing off from this blog.

    The voices that are riffing feel very powerful. I feel surrounded. I don’t know how to respond. I feel like yelling.

    I’m uncomfortable with the extent of riffing on this blog. I feel bad not reading all of it, and yet I want to read and appreciate everyone’s contributions. I feel annoyed and worried. I feel anxious about boundaries, I feel protective of myself and that feels heavy.

    I’m sad and angry Mercedes left. It felt so sudden to me, no clue at all. I feel bereft.

  92.  #92Daria on February 19, 2009 at 3:17 am

    hugs Heartbeat…

  93.  #93Katja on February 19, 2009 at 4:40 am

    Daria-feels good that I inspired you! 🙂

    Have a nice day ladies!

    Sending you all lots of love…

  94.  #94heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Thank you Daria – that feels really good XXXXXX

  95.  #95heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 4:53 am

    Lots of love to you too Katja! XXXXXX

  96.  #96Mercedes on February 19, 2009 at 7:16 am

    I was drawn back here this morning because I felt like I didn’t explain myself in the best way possible…and after reading the posts about my decision, I think I was right and I am so sorry about that.

    Please understand….I did not mean to judge anyone or offend anyone or cause anger or hurt or to put anyone down or to indicate in any way that this blog is not a good thing (because it is, it really really is) and I can see that I triggered some of you but believe me it was unintentional.

    What I meant to say was that this isn’t what I (personally) was looking for. I can see that many of you have developed strong friendships and I love that…this is a really good thing. I certainly have done my share of riffing and I do respect that people are on different paths and places along this journey.

    The original intent of my post was to say goodbye (so I didn’t just drop off without another word) and to encourage you to continue to use Rori’s tools as they really do work wonders (case in point…as soon as I leaned back from you, look at the attention I got…LOL) I’m just kidding, but really ladies…I totally respect what you are doing here and I owe a LOT to Rori for how far I’ve come…but I know that finding or creating my own blog that is exactly what I am looking for (in my place along my own journey) is better for me.

    I hope this tells it better. Please don’t feel judged because just because this isn’t the right place for me, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right place for you. I appreciate the education and I’m glad I found you all…it’s just time for me to move on. I hope that my being drawn back here today to better explain myself helps all of you see a different perspective on where I am coming from.


  97.  #97Mercedes on February 19, 2009 at 7:17 am

    OH… and many of you said words that made me smile and made me really happy I was able to help during the short time I was here. Thank you so much for your kind words…I appreciate you.

  98.  #98alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 8:45 am

    i feel the urge to send waves of love to this blog so that everyone feels safe in their own self and being here. like rori mentioned yesterday i can pay attention to my urge to fight, flight or freeze when triggered. i feel it is natural that people will get triggered on this blog just as people do outside of this blog. i would feel so sad for anyone to go bc everyone contributes in their own beautiful way. i feel sad mercedes does not feel this is the place for her to find or maintain her bliss. i respect that. but perhaps her contribution could be to stop in every once in awhile and give us updates on how she is progressing and leave us a link to her blog. or not. i respect everyone’s needs to figure out where they belong. i would feel sad to not hear from people (eh hem maria?) 🙁 i feel sad. aw.
    i feel an urge to unzipper my heart and be open. i feel compassion in regards to heartbeat’s discomfort. strong angry voices can be scary. and i know i was strong and angry yesterday. maybe if i release more of my trauma with my newfound therapist i can learn to be softer while still expressing myself and drawing boundaries.

  99.  #99Reshi on February 19, 2009 at 8:58 am

    I’ll be looking forward to seeing Mercedes’s blog…

  100.  #100heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Alias Girl thank you, I feel really nurtured XXXXXX

  101.  #101heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Hi Mercedes – I feel confused. I just read another comment of yours dated only two days ago, how you are so glad you found this place – and now you’re gone – I feel like I’m grieving. Something is stirring in me.

    I felt delighted in your presence and thank you for the experience. XXXXXX

  102.  #102alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 9:34 am

    aw heartbeat. i feel touched. i feel challenged to express good things or bond with people. blech. but i feel like since i am truly becoming strong maybe i don’t have to bark so loud to scare people off when i feel threatened.

    i feel like i have become such a better person from this blog. i am more open to other people and their unique beauty. rgh. i feel tears. rgh.

    i feel like really accepting all the gross stuff that came up in my riffs (my anger, my violence, my disdain, my despair, my rigidness, my really mean voices, .my trauma) i am more accepting of others. (a little bit more than i was anyway) i feel i can be accepting of a great great man’s whole self along with his not so great parts. i feel like i can not be so frightened of them or threatened or take it so personally. heehee in theory. ask me about when i’m in the midst of being triggered. 🙂


  103.  #103heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Alias girl I feel relieved, joyful and tearful connecting with you again. I feel very REAL with you. And you write beautifully 🙂

  104.  #104heartbeat on February 19, 2009 at 9:51 am

    I feel right being here, staying here. I want to be real, and I’m learning to be that here. Speak my truth. Yes angry voices trigger me, but only when I fear they are directed at me, otherwise I’m alert and interested. I feel, deep down, a connection with others when they are angry, I feel alongside. I feel anxious expressing my discomfort, I struggle to find the words that express my feelings honestly. I react too – and that voice isn’t my deep-inside voice, it’s a pushing-away voice, or a turning-my-back or head-in-the-sand voice. I don’t want to do that here or in my relationship. I feel grateful to be part of this process with others. I feel respectful of Mercedes decision too.

  105.  #105bebe on February 19, 2009 at 10:06 am

    Hello Everyone,
    I just feel we are all on our own journey…I hope to learn of your blog soon Mercedes,
    Many many times I have leaned back from this blog (not participating or just skimming someone else;s riff) because it felt like drama to me, going round and round in circles.
    I so value Rori, nothing has made such a huge impact within me as much as Rori work, all of it, letters tapes etc.
    Like I posted last week I want love and relationships to feel easy, … Even these past few LI got very upset with me about something, (actually yelled at me for a few seconds, something that has NEVER happened before in 10 years)…guess what I am still on my Happily After Road with him or without him.. I love me…I feel sad…We have not spoken for a few days, I feel I am in a place where I can call him, I do not feel this is leaning forward because I can drop it, not looking for an outcome, just expressing my feminine boundaries, following what my heart feels…
    I love reading this blog, sometimes I feel pain for some of the Goddesses and what they are going through, but L learn and treasure everything..

  106.  #106Daria on February 19, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    I feel a little shaky and weird and defensive. I feel protective and triggered. I also feel I will be ok. And everyone else. I feel like blog yelling and I feel worried I will intimidate someone… I feel a little unsafe being myself. And I feel sad about that and very ANGRY.

  107.  #107Reshi on February 19, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    My way of surviving this blog is as someone else–i think it was Heartbeat–said: there are days when I can’t handle the comments and so I don’t read them–and there are days when I WANT to be triggered so I read everything. The latter happens a lot more frequently now.

    I didn’t get a call from my temp agency, so I assume I still have my job. Guess who doesn’t though: my ex got laid off, and will be kicked out next month. I really don’t know what to feel about that, except, well, you said you wanted to be alone and solve your own problems…ok, have fun with that.

    I do feel a little guilty, but for the most part, he made that bed.

  108.  #108cookie on February 19, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    i was a little triggered by what mercedes wrote about leaving the blog as I sometimes feel that I am not progressing fast enough or moving through some of this Rori stuff as I should be. I was inspired by what mercedes wrote and her progress and I was hoping to read more about her journey and successes.

    Either way, I will post what I have to say anyway. I’m feeling confused and frustrated again by my guy. so i have leaning back as much as i can, I mean not making phone calls and the like. so i posted the other day about how nice valentines day was. we spent the whole weekend and the holiday together which wasn’t my intention. we got into a couple of disagreements. he keeps saying that he’s afraid of someone controlling in. i wondered why he says that when i don’t try to control him at all, i don’t call or harass him or even question him about his whereabouts. He was referencing a conversation we were having with his friend and the situation his friend is going through with his child’s mother. I don’t think that is us. I have proven that to him for the past seven years, but he is still saying that. I told him I’m deciding not to take things that have nothing to do with me personal. we made up and had lots of sex this weekend, which was fine by me. he brought up family again and he says he knows that marriage is important to me and that he plans on asking me again. i told him that i want to stop taking birth control because I am ready to have a child but I don’t want to worry about money issues. what does he think about that, how can we avoid that problem. he says he doesn’t know but he knows what he has to do. he kept saying things like I’m his woman, and he told his friends that he has a good woman, and that all the men in the restaurant wanted me but i’m not that kind of girl and they can’t have me. and that he told his friend that he always knows what I’m up to (which is not true, but he doesn’t ask so I don’t bring it up).

    Part of me has a problem with all of this because it mostly sounds like possessiveness and like he thinks he has me under control. I don’t like feeling controlled by anything, that makes me want to run away. He also said that he knows I have issues with commitment and is surprised I have been with him this long. i wish I would have said how uncomfortable those comments made me feel but i just didn’t.

    anyway, so i left him tuesday morning and I haven’t heard from him since. Which kinda of makes me feel like we are on some friends with benefits bullshit. I don’t want that. He says he loves me and wants the future i dream about but then he does contradictory things. I haven’t yet started the circular dating thing. but i feel like I wtf. like how in one day the man wants to make you happy and will do anything to please you and the next day he disappears.

    what is this all about? can i please get some insight on this ladies? what do you suggest I do from this point forward? I’m tired of waiting, my body is ready to be pregnant and i would like it to be him because we have so much history but i am also very afraid of what having his child will mean. please assist with feedback, thank you.

  109.  #109Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:21 am

    Cookie your guy feels a little toxic, or maybe just difficult?

    I suggest circular dating. (I know you know this tool already, I don’t want to repeat it it just came to mind first). If circular dating “breaks your relationship,” which is a fear I imagine I would have in your position, it sounds like the guy may not be ABLE to really claim you. It might be important to find that out Before
    you make a lifelong tie to this guy (like a baby would be) if it turns out that he doesn’t deserve you (can’t step up).

    Because I think you for You would want to be in a happy romantic relationship with the father of your child. I mean that’s what I want. Of course there are other life paths and there are women on this blog who are finding love and relationship already having had children. You can choose what You want. I just want you to be sure you are getting what You want, and not Drama.

  110.  #110Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:22 am

    Also have you power speeched him? That would be another tool.

  111.  #111alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 2:50 am

    this is rori’s blog. it is her creation. it is her rules. i will respect and adhere to ANY AND ALL guidlines that rori puts forth. so far there haven’t really been any. except a suggestion to use I FEEL when triggered or responding to someone else’s post.

    so i feel bad if some of my in depth riffing from my trauma psyche triggers some women but if this is a place for me to heal and get better and use tools and share and be witnessed then believe in god’s good grace i will. pplease don’t read my comments. Alias girl. and sometihing triggering will probably start out with i feel bad angry sad trauma etc. ok skip and proceed to next comment.

    but for me to now feel stifled when rori has not come forth with guidleines or restrictions is ridiculous. i feel self punishing. i feel i need to take care of others. that i am bringing people down. when actually i am building muscles in my wings to Fly.

    i will not FEEL hurt if no one responds to my comments. i feel ok with being ignored if people don’t resonate with what i am saying. or if people don’t respond and do resonate. i feel ok either way. i felt triggered in the beginning but lucky me i got over it. i feel overjoyed when someone says sometihng something says something nice but still like being here if they don’t. ok that last sentence came out wrong because this cellphone.

    anyway i am reclaiming my freedom and my highest wish is for everyone on this planet to do the same. like i said if /when rori ever decides to establish guidelines or restrictions i will adhere. because my freedom ends when it impinges on another’s rights. but so far in this forum where there is infinite blogging space and no one is forced to read my potentially triggering comments that leaves alot of room to experiment and discover who i am and who i wish to be. m

    and i feel eternally grateful and honored to utilize this space, to contribute my authentic PROCESS and to read other beuatiful women’s process.

    really no roses?

  112.  #112alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 2:57 am

    cookie. i feel confident that if you focus on YOU and follow YOUR FEELINGS. you will find the answers. i feel unable to possibly know what is going on with your guy. but i can tell you it doesn’t feel like i am reading about someone who is getting what they desire from a man she has been with for SEVEN years. and from what they tell me (and i refuse to believe) but that a woman’s baby making capacities one day come to an end.

    what do YOU want in your relationship?

    and i know rori suggests we circular date until we get what we want. the name of the site is have the relationship YOU WANT.

    ALSO whoa caps abuse.

    also you are doing perfectly and progressing with the tools in your own perfect time. that i actually know for sure. 🙂

  113.  #113Katja on February 20, 2009 at 4:36 am

    Cookie-Because I read you are ready to get pregnant and I just had a baby I want to say something to you and also have some questions.

    How do you feel about living together with him? Did he ever suggest this? Did you ever live with a man before?
    How do you feel about having a baby with HIM? Do you want HIM (as he is right now) to be the father of your child or do you want the HIM he could possibly be?

    I feel a bit confused by reading you are seven years together and there is (as far as I understood) no commitment. Please don’t get me wrong here,I am not judging you or anything like that.

    My suggestion is to do power speeches and focusing on yourself so much that you almost forget him. Right now I feel you are focusing a lot on him and trying to interpret his behavior because you feel confused.

    I don’t wanna say give up those baby plans but I want to tell you that having a baby is a big thing (with or without a man by your side). If the relationship is not that good having a baby can make things worse. I know what I am speaking about. My relationship got worse during the pregnancy after I moved in with my boyfriend. I changed,I lost confidence,my body changed,my opinions about life changed. The relationship got worse after the delivery of the baby though I expected us to be closer after experiencing the delivery together. You have to know that in the first months with the baby you are in masculine mode all the time so this can be a really tough time for the relationship. My boyfriend and I got in fights about so much stuff that had to do with taking care for the baby-I would never have expected that before. I lost a lot of confidence during the pregnancy and the first months. I felt insecure. I felt judged. I felt ugly and fat. After moving in together with him my fear of intimacy just came up and I couldn’t handle it. I pushed him away. I had to deal with his mother who gave advice how to take care for the baby all the time. I felt critized. His mother is kind of possessive and everytime she visited us she grabbed the baby and kept it all the time she was at our home. I felt insecure about telling her that I don’t like that. (I am still struggling with that but it gets better.) I felt alone and terribly sad when my boyfriend decided he would rather go out with his friends and coming home late than being home with me and our daughter. I cried a lot. I even thought about breaking up with him because of how bad our relationship had become.

    I don’t want to scare you, I just want you to make sure you are really ready for a baby. Please make sure you are happy in your relationship and general in life before you become pregnant. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THINGS I WENT THROUGH!

    It doesn’t have to be like this,having a child together can be a really amazing experience and it can bring you closer together but I think this can only happen if the relationship itself is already happy and committed.

    I wish you all the best!!!

    Love and hugs,

  114.  #114Cassandra on February 20, 2009 at 8:22 am

    I am so sorry that I am light years behind on reading these awesome posts!

    Averie…..I am so THRILLED for you that you have experienced such a wonderful shift within yourself! I was really touched by your story and fetl really connected to you in that I am going thru what you did in a remationship where your guy tears you down pretty much every minute of every day. I am at a point now though because of so many horrible things that he has done that I am trying to get out. Being unemployed and having just startedmy own business is making that tougher than ever but I also know that someway…somehow I will be ok. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to see you go through such a wonderful experience…I just want to give you a huge hug for real!!! Iam inspired and excited by your story and am thankful that you shared it with us.

    I feel sad that Mercedes is gone…I just found that out but I felt extremely judged by some of the things that she said. I feel that this place is the most amazing….open…honest…..compassionate and accepting and loving place and I do not know what I would do without this blog and all of you. I apologize if I am not where some of the others are in my journey vs someone elses but in my mind this is not a race or a competition. I feel GOOD that even with my quirks and own way of processing things and length of time that it takes for things to ‘sink in’…for me to ‘get it’ or have the lightbulb go on for me…..I FEEL GOOD that I am here working on ME no matter what anyone else thinks. I FEEL COURAGEOUS AND STRONG SIMPLY BY THE FACT THAT I AM HERE….THAT I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP AND WALKED AWAY AND QUIT……THIS IS MY JOURNEY AND SHOULD NOT BE JUDGED BY ANYONE ELSE! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM NOT APOLOGIZING FOR ME…FOR MY JOURNEY OR MY PROCESS!!!!!!! I FEEL PROUD TO BE HERE AND TO BE WHERE I AM IN MY JOURNEY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO…..AT LEAST I AM NOT WHERE I STARTED!!! I felt so judged by her words and that felt awful. Until I read that particular post I have never felt judged here by anyone as a matter of fact I have pretty much felt nothing but love and acceptance even though I am in a challenging situation that I am trying to work out as I work on ME for ME. There is no question in my mind that I will get where I am going…in my own time with my own understanding and use of these amazing tools that Rori has given us. I feel that each of us should be able to work through the tools and work on ourselves in this safe and loving and supportive environment WITHOUT judgement from anyone else….and until that post I felt that that is exactly what was happening here. I felt that we all help one another in love, in acceptance, in total support and genuine compassion. Having said all of that I feel truly happy and excited for Mercedes that she has been able to get to where she is in her journey and I send her a HUGE flower hug in celebration of her success and am thankful to have had her here as yet another inspiration and I feel thrilled for her that she has a wonderful…happy and supportive relationship. I celebrate that. I do feel sad however in being judged that I am not only not where I want to be yet although I KNOW I will get there……but that I am perhaps not where others are. That feels yucky to me. I feel small and irrelevant and judged and that feels like crying….but I also feel strong and proud that I am no longer apologizing for ME….MY JOURNEY OR MY PROCESS and FOR ME…THAT IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE!

    I love you all and feel grateful for every single one of you. xoxoxo

  115.  #115Flipper on February 20, 2009 at 8:27 am

    I feel that’s very well put, Katja. Babies are not the end or reward for anything – they are the start of a whole new person in themselves, and pretty much turn their mother’s life inside out (it’s still there with all its experience and potential though you often start to doubt that, even when you are sometimes surprised at how well you rise to the challenge, but it’s forever changed, with regular reality checks that cannot be ignored). And it really is better for everyone if both parents remain in the picture AND that their relationship is a good one. It’s 20 years or more and it’s a relationship you do not get out of, whether it’s one you still want or not.

    Alias Girl – I feel your contribution is invaluable here, as is everyone else’s. I’m sure there a zillions of other women out there who are inspired, comforted, triggered, delighted, identify with and feel loved by what you live and write about it, as am I. I remember how touched I was when you asked me if I knew how powerful I was, so I want to turn the question back to you now. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, I do “know” somehow, but I don’t quite feel or totally accept it…. yet. And like you, I’m so much more in tune with it than I ever have been, so I’m going to keep listening to and singing along with the beautiful music of the sirens, including the times when it’s pure cacophony.

  116.  #116Mercedes on February 20, 2009 at 9:49 am

    I have been trying to keep reading here and opening myself up to what others feel when they read and post. Rori’s site is the right place for me. Her tools are right for me. I’m trying with everything in me to make her blog the right place for me. So…here is how I feel: I feel sorry.

    I’m feel sorry so many of you feel judged and that, try as I might, I could not word my goodbye in such a way to make many of you feel happiness for me and where I am in my own journey.

    I feel sorry to hear I made people afraid to be open and honest here.

    I feel sorry to hear I made people feel like they are thought of as “downers”.

    I feel sorry to hear I made people feel sad.

    I feel sorry to hear I made people feel angry.

    I feel sorry to hear I made people feel hurt.

    I feel sorry to hear that because of my words others are afraid to be authentic here.

    I feel sorry to hear that I gave the impression I wanted others to change the way they post.

    I feel sorry to make anyone feel like they are saying the wrong things here.

    I feel sorry to hear that I took what is a safe environment and made it feel unsafe in other’s hearts.

    I feel a strong desire to turn back the clock and leave without a word.

    I feel sorry to hear that someone thinks I am judging the riffing because they believe I’ve never done it.

    I feel sad to know that saying goodbye (which is something that felt respectful to me) was a poor choice.

    I feel sad to know that almost everyone here would be happier had I left without saying goodbye….that many would prefer I had just left without letting them know why.

    I feel sad to discover that I too feel judged because I am also not in the same place as others here.

    I feel angry to know that I let myself feel judged when in almost every other area of my life I feel confidence.

    I feel angry with myself for second-guessing my confident decision to do what I felt was right and say goodbye.

    I feel sorry that because of me, so much time on this blog was taken away from Rori and what she wants it to be and was turned into hurt feelings.

    I feel like I was wrong in EVER saying ANYTHING here.

    I feel judged…very very judged.

    I feel angry that others are angry at me for what they see as me judging them…yet they feel very confident and comfortable in judging me right back.

    I feel like posting this is also wrong.

    I feel sad to realize that it’s okay and safe for everyone else here to say how they feel and to say what they want and to say what they are doing…but when I did it…it was so incredibly wrong and hurt so many wonderful people.

    I feel angry with myself for trying harder to be happy here when I should have let it go like I said I would.

    To those of you who said VERY kind words of understanding:

    I feel grateful to you.

    I feel a very strong appreciation for you.

    I feel a connection with you.

    I feel love for you.

    I feel like I so much want your journey to be a good one.

    I feel like I wish I could continue to offer my own insights to you.

    I feel like I would never feel right doing that.

    Most of all To Rori:

    I cannot tell you how sorry I am. None of this was my intent. If I could take it all back, I would. I promise you…I meant no harm and although I know a few people here are interested in seeing my blog…I will NOT use any more of your space for me. I believe if someone is drawn to it…they will find it.

    I also want you to know that I mentioned you in my very first blog post. I told whoever is reading that between you and one other relationship coach I’ve learned so much. I recommended you to them all. I, as I put in my blog, “want to give credit where credit is due” and I told everyone how much I admire you and how much you mean to me. I do not use your words in my blog, but anyone reading will know that I could not possibly offer the words I can offer without having found you first.

    I am so, so, incredibly sorry…to Rori…to all of you…I am so sorry.

    Much love,

  117.  #117Reshi on February 20, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I’m feeling quite blown away by Mercedes’s courage to address her feelings about all the things that have been said here. I feel afraid that I have hurt her in some way–and at the same time–wow, what an opportunity to be intensely triggered! Were I in the same situation I would have definitely left without saying anything, so I feel thankful for Mercedes for doing something different, for having the courage to come back and see things that might feel critical.

    I feel guilty for causing drama here. I don’t know if I actually caused drama, but I feel guilty for it anyway. I feel scared that a can of emotional worms has been let loose, and may never get stuffed back in, and at the same time I feel excited that I may be able to learn to embrace deeper, scarier feelings and a more courageous way of living.

    A safe environment, to me, isn’t one where one would necessarily NEVER feel judged or criticized or angry at someone else, but where if one did feel these things, one could say so, respectfully. I hope I have been respectful to all concerned, it has never been my intent to do otherwise.

  118.  #118Rori Raye on February 20, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Mercedes – I love your comment, and though I know you stirred up a lot here – please give us the address of your blog – I encourage EVERYONE to blog as well as comment here.

    Now – to address Mercedes’ issue (and I’ll email this to you, Mercedes, as you likely won’t read it here) about too much wallowing in sorrow, and too little action steps – and then I’ll jump off into a post:

    That means – from the inside.
    That means – from your soul.

    When you are down and depressed, it’s as though you’ve lost the connection to your soul, as though a blanket of numb has fallen across the cells of your being…

    And this is where you need to take 3 actions:
    1. Going further down into the sorrow, pain and rage, and
    2. Actively allowing yourself to be moved with Good-Feeling feelings while you’re down there – like simply feeling moved to be alive…
    3. Taking a step – any step – to explore the potential of any glimmer of good feeling.

    A totally excellent way to do this step three is by volunteering to help others – and that’s what the impetus is here – and yet – remember I put a ban on giving advice from your masculine selves here – so –
    Let’s branch out. Let’s answer the question:

    How can I help others, how can I make a contribution, how can I LIFT MYSELF UP so that I can make the biggest contribution?

    In other words, feeling down gets you nowhere, if that’s where you’re choosing to live – and yet exploring your “down” is the only way UP!

    This is the 6E’s of my Targeting Mr. Right Program and Modern Siren program – this is using ALL the Tools, and not just one side, all the 7 Steps of Commitment Blueprint, and not just one – and I believe, with all my heart that you are ALL doing this!

    You are PROCESSING…You go down into your dark feelings, and then connect with hope and love, and come back up higher.

    Just don’t forget to CHANNEL. This is a crucial step…and I can feel, from the arc of almost everyone’s work here that you are all moving forward. The more you move forward, the more you deepen the learning – that’s just the way it looks.

    What I want for you is a feeling of “buoyancy” – where you feel like however deep you go, you’ll bounce back up to the surface and see and feel and experience how gorgeous everything around you is, including and most especially your own aliveness.

    I’m going to do a bit about nutrition here – because sometimes that can hugely effect our bodies, hearts, minds…

    So let’s try this: Everyone stop eating sugar for one week with me. Stop.

    Let’s see what this does for your bodies (let me know) and let’s see what following through with something good for you triggers in you.

    Everyone eat yogurt and/or take probiotics (any store has them) for one week, and let’s see what this does for you…

    And let’s focus on Channeling this week – that means DOING things that feel good, experiencing your limits and your boundaries and your power, saying No to what doesn’t feel good, and saying Yes to what Does feel good.

    Let’s balance your riffing with LOVING everything, and let’s put more weight on the good feelings you encounter, and then quickly move to a channeling item.

    Bethany – you’re moving so fast through things – making choices now that feel good instead of feeling stuck in situations – you’re starting to feel more powerful.

    Mercedes – just doing what you think might work in a relationship is not the answer. it’s the experiencing of it that makes the difference.

    Go see “He’s Just Not That Into You” – it’s terrific. Watch the progress of the Ginnifer Goodwin character (you can see how much deeper and calmer and less needy and more on her own side she becomes with knowledge and practice) and the dignity of Jennifer Anisten’s character – very inspirational. I’ll put up a post about it.

    Love, Rori

  119.  #119Cassandra on February 20, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Reshi…..I could not agree with you more if I tried! I feel the same way! I never in a million years meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or judge anyone and I apologize with all of my heart and soul if I have. I don’t feel that you caused drama at all. I think that whenever you get emotion involved…any type of emotion good bad or whatever…..and couple that with a group of amazing women that you truly love and care about and want to learn from and help, this kind of thing can happen. It makes me think of that game Operator. I don’t think you caused anything and I am so sorry that you feel that you feel that you did. I too am feeling absolutely horrible.

    Mercedes…I am so sorry if I offended you in any way shape or form…that was NEVER my intent. I have been so far behind in reading these posts and when I read your first one where you were saying are right…I felt so triggered but not only in the way that you may think…..sure I felt judged BUT it was also because we were losing you! In addition, though I did feel judged, I had not yet gotten to read your next post where you clarified what it was that you really meant. I think that so often in life – and this happens to ALL of us…just look at the situation here now because of MY post!! LOL – we have a message in mind to deliver and that message is so filled with goodness, joy, love and good will but somehow the delivery messes things up and then the message that gets delivered is SO NOT what was intended. I truly and deeply apologize if I hurt your feelings or offended you. Once I read your second post, things did indeed become clear and I so deeply appreciated the fact that you returned to clarify things. Not only that but I felt deeply sad to be losing someone that is such an integral part of this blog. Your input, spirit, experience and even where you are in your own journey (which by the way I totally celebrate and even said that in my first post) brings so much hope…so much light….so much love to us all and has taught me personally so much. I felt so sad that you were leaving and losing you also triggered me in a BIG way! I am so sorry that I misunderstood you. You are such a HUGE inspiration to me and so many others here and to know that you are indeed where you are in your own journey (which is light years ahead of me! LOL 🙂 ) is not only wonderful and something I celebrate for you…it gives me HOPE! It makes me feel that I am not as lost as I sometimes feel. It makes me want to fight harder to get OUT of the old bad habits, to turn off the NV and push harder and further to get to where I want to be. I certainly don’t think that anyone here would have wanted you to leave at all let alone without telling us good-bye. Even now, I hope that you will stay.

    It is so funny in that even though this blog gets bigger by the day which is a wonderful thing because that just means that another woman is going to learn to love herself, find her wings and fly, every single person here brings something so valuable….so unique and so precious that no one else can bring because each is who they are!

    I believe whole heartedly that it takes immense courage just to be here….to post….to work these tools…to push to grow and learn from mistakes… walk through the soup and address feelings whether they be good or bad. I too admire your strength and courage to post what you felt and I am so glad that you did. If you do indeed leave us – which I hope that you will NOT – and form your own blog I would love to be a part of that as well and I can only hope that one day I will be able to help other women the way that you have helped me…and didn’t even know it. You would be terribly missed. I can however understand if you still need to move on because you are not getting fed yourself anymore….I respect that as well but I do hope that you would stay. YOu really are an inspiration so ME and to many many others. I am so sorry if I offended you by saying what I felt and again I had not gotten toyour second post where you clarified things. I truly apologize.

    Like Reshi said, I hope too that I have always been respectful, supportive, compassionate and unconditionally loving to everyone here. I never in a million years ever meant to hurt anyone.

  120.  #120Rori Raye on February 20, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Mercedes – whoa – just saw this comment – ALL – I think this is truly breakthrough time. As women – we can’t seem to say what we feel and what we mean without feeling like we have to backtrack the moment we make someone else unhappy. This is your “sorry.” Get rid of “sorry” and say “I feel bad.” “I feel guilty.” This is the Words part of all this that makes a huge difference, and this is what I meant by ORGANIC in the last comment I made

    Is that what’s going on for you, Mercedes? I don’t want to put words in your mouth, so let me know…

    And isn’t that what we’re all about here – NOT having to do that – either inside ourselves, and definitely not with a man?

    We’re talking authenticity here. We’re talking truth.

    Now – we need to talk more about WORDS, and how the words we use are either out of our masculine selves or our feminine selves, and this judging thing – how it works.

    If you are judging another – you’re judging yourself. Period.

    If you’re feeling judged – you’re judging. Period. That’s how it works.

    So – what is judging?

    Let’s make it simple: Judging requires the use of your brain. It’s a masculine energy experience. It’s taking an uncomfortable FEELING – and out of a need to control, or do something with that feeling other than FEEL it – we go to judging that feeling, or that person who’s feeling that feeling that’s triggering us…it’s all a circle of control. It’s a way of resisting FEELING. So much of what we do to ourselves is about resistance – that’s where all the pain is – and that’s why I encourage you to let your feelings flow here – not as downers, but as part of the path you have to travel.

    Here’s where the Rori Raye Mantra works with “Be Surprised.”

    Let’s add a helpful thing: Curiosity. I talk about this all the time, and the Trauma Therapy I recommended with Emily Van Horn – it’s all about curiosity. About touching the deepest, darkest, most frightening places in ourselves – and instead of succumbing to judging the feelings, or running from them by numbing out, you just get “curious”!

    That’s all you have to do – get curious about your sensations and feelings – they are not the end result!

    Feelings are like fuel. Like gas in the car of your life. Also they’re the rudder of your ship – they’re the compass, the direction finder.

    Try to see the FLOW of all this…see how we bounce around from feeling to feeling to thought to thought.

    What we’re trying to do here is INTERRUPT the OLD PATTERN, and build a completely new process for ourselves. An organic process that will become automatic as you practice it.

    This is a lifelong practice. Start now. You fabulous ladies are ahead of the game right now. Keep going, and don’t allow yourselves to worry about the impact you have on anyone else. Strive for truth – YOUR truth – and stay away from advising anyone and getting into your brains. That’s where we all run into trouble. Just talk about how your feelings are moving around, how you’re getting triggered – and if you get triggered in a negative way – that’s the time to process through it, and then get to a channeling moment.

    I want this blog to be all positive and uplifting – but when you’re sad, I want you to say you’re sad. Let others know you need help.

    And if you hear someone ask for help because she’s sad – say how sad you were and now you’re feeling better and so will she! Share what YOU did, instead of telling her what to do – and we’ll all stay in our feminine and get the most out of this support group we can.

    I want new women to come here – and I want them to feel free to tell us all we’re brilliant and fabulous, or to tell us all we suck. That’s the only way we’re going to approximate the real world and continue to lift each other up no matter WHAT.

    Love, Rori

  121.  #121alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    mercedes i feel uplifted that you are on a journey of self discovery. this blog is a wonderful place to discuss rori’s tool and practice a new way of using laguage while addressing boundaries and feelings and what we want and don’t want in our relationships. i know what it’s like to suddenly feel like your on the outside for whatever reason. whether it was a misstep in behavior or it feels like other people don’t accept your genuine self or shyness or aggressiveness (to sometimes uncsciously keep people at a distance) i know that feeling and for me it always felt a little like death. so i do not wish it upon anyone.

    people in my opinion are allowed to make mistakes. i say and do things everyday i wish i hadn’t. i’ve done it on this blog. some of my biggest defects are thinking i know what is right for everybody around me and trying to be perfect (dang WHY CAN’t i be perfect???) but i can barely figure out what’s right for me sometimes so how can i possible know the path for others. but i’ll get triggered sometimes and right here on this blog you’ll find posts where my meddling instincts kick up.

    when i first started my job i was so hurt and angry that people did not express gratitude for the help i was offering everybody. HELP NOBODY WAS ASKING FOR. i remember i felt so hurt though. how could they not appreciate my help??

    i don’t know why i’m rambling on now about things. i just want to say i feel appreciative of your brief presence and what it stirred up and your willingness to hang in there with your feelings even in difficulty or a situation you feel conflicted about.

    also for anyone new reading this blog there is a series of posts on the right hand side bar of rori’s blog called the Power and Self Esteem posts. it was a series of posts rori did over the course of a about a week or so. this is where the term riffing comes into play and kind of what got this whole breuhaha (spelling?!) started. but if people follow the posts from the beginning to the end and also readt the comments along the way to see how rori tweaed people’s process. and do the exercises. well that’s often what is going on in this blog. and for someone to just happen upon it while surfing the internet could be

  122.  #122alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    quite jarring indeed. esp the riffing of a trauma survivor (s) or even a non trauma survivor. there can be some murkey stuff there. and then i feel bad that when the good energy comes from doing that i don’t channel it All back right in here on the blog right then. but i want to live a good life and use that energy for yummy Active things. i do try and contribute goodness back into the blog but usually not at the end of a riff. sometimes i’l add a little comment about feeling good.

    anyway it can be quite confusing for someone just stumbling upon this blog.

    i wish the best for all the women on this blog and for you as well mercedes in whatever decision you choose to make about staying or going.

  123.  #123Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Yay… after feeling rageful I was feeling interested about how triggered I had felt. Now I feel compassionate, forgiving, a little scared (of how intense the feelings of rage and desire to attack and protect were). I feel grateful for having been triggered in this way and given a “safe” glimpse of how feeling rejected triggers me. Big trigger. That is probably why I feel so guilty rejecting men, because I get triggered by it very strongly.

    I feel thankful for the opportunity to work with this trigger. I feel thankful to Mercedes and Rori. I KNEW this was going to turn into a “breakthrough” moment as soon as my rage subsided and lo and behold Rori declared it so.

    I feel accepting of Mercedes, Rori and everyone on the blog right now.

  124.  #124Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Dang Rori. I want to say it’s easy to me to not eat sugar, because I mostly don’t. I am a natural health lover for the most part.

    The only things I eat that may have sugar are organic dark chocolate though which is healthy (although it may have sugar added will check but I am guessing it does).

    What about fruit? (lol I don’t even eat fruit really).

    Also sometimes when I cook I add sugar in my cooking, like in peas or pasta or beans. I won’t do that this week though.

  125.  #125Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    My dark chocolate has sugar added. Well, maybe it’s good I don’t eat so much of it, I was eating it at night and maybe it was keeping me up late. Hmmm.

    Also I will be going out perhaps tonite and on Saturday and although I want to keep the drinking lite (I went out this week and felt sick the next day from the alcohol), I must remember not to have sweet drinks, maybe fruit drinks either… maybe only tequila or beer? lol. Maybe not drink at all. I feel like my body and emotions are still desiring healing from earlier this week when I overdid it and felt toxic.

  126.  #126Cassandra on February 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Rori…I feel confused and totally misunderstood. I feel that everything bad that happened above was a direct result of ME and Me trying and clearly failing to be authentic. I feel frustrated and I feel as though I am seen as a cancer on this blog now. I feel horrible. I feel as though I have lost something that was so precious to me and felt safe and now I feel as though I am no longer welcome here. NO ONE has said that…this is all coming from ME. i feel horrible and yes…even judged. In the past I never would have shared how I felt when becoming that triggered as I did but in the spirit of trying interrupt those old patterns I shared what I felt and even shared the GOOD things that I felt as well but I feel that they were not even taken into consideration I now feel totally afraid to say what I feel or even feel it for that matter….I feel that I am now seen as a horrible and mean person. I feel angry and I don’t know what to do with that. I STILL don’t know how to FEEL those feelings and that frustrates me and after this I feel afraid to post here anymore. I feel afraid to be ME. I feel unaccepted now and feel totally alone and out there on my own again and again….I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS?! I really honestly do not understand how to get to those feelings and FEEL them. I have always tried to be uplifting even if I have sad emotions I feel that I have always tried to lift everyone else up and somehow I feel totally alone.

  127.  #127Daria on February 20, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Aww Cassandra hugs! If you read the posts you will see that you were not the only one triggered. Many of us said we felt triggered. I felt glad reading your previous posts. I felt like someone was standing up for me in a way and speaking in alignment with my feelings. I loved what you said about this post being an open compassionate place.

    It would feel great to see you embrace those yucky feelings. I know I did not know what to do with them either, I felt blank first, then angry and felt like attacking (which I believe I did not but I felt like it so strongly it scared me), then realized I felt unworthy and that it was an opportunity to embrace these feelings, even though for me it was only a little time that I felt them with such ferocious intensity.

    It sounds like you ARE feeling intense feelings and I support and want to embrace them for you. I’m not sure what to do with them except FEEL them with their ickyness, feel them in my body, and tell them I love them and myself.

    What I get from Rori is that the more comfortable we are feeling the alone, unworthy, icky feelings, the Stronger we become emotionally so that we are able to handle more feelings and the icky feelings don’t scare us so much (and therefore don’t even feel so bad). That helps me feel brave to try and embrace the feelings I feel out of control with, like rage, and guilt, and unworthiness.

  128.  #128Daria on February 20, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    BTW I feel that everything that happened above was quite MARVELOUS and a great growing experience and the beginning of my being able to feel and embrace feelings like rage and unworthiness that before I would not even notice were in me! I mean it’s really really good! I can’t wait until I feel more comfortable with these feelings. I think this may have been one of the first times I was able to STOP and notice that I am being triggered into rage and it is covering other emotions. It was really cool and I thank everyone.

  129.  #129Daria on February 20, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    I WANT to love myself and my unworthiness… actually i want to NOT feel unworthy, is that a feeling? I want to LOVE myself even the part of me that feels unworthy while I am figuring out if that is a feeling or NOT. I declare I LOVE my “I’m not good enough” feeling, even though I feel terrified of it. I feel terrified that I don’t deserve love or acceptance and that people will try to get away from me, that I am annoying and they would never want me or include me. Aham. I remember these feelings from when I was younger, and felt BETRAYED by people that I loved openly and then I felt shocked and horrified to hear unaccepting words from them. EWWW. I feel ashamed and I feel tingly in my jaw and frozen. I FEEL SO ANGRY somewhere in there in my tummy, my breathing is getting strong and big like really huffy and I’m feeling so triggereed and I feel ike making hummhhh sounds I FEEL SO SHakinglly angry and I feel like crying.I feel DESPERATION. Betrayed is that a feeling? It feels like shock and desperation and awfulness and frozeness and NOOOOOOOOOOOOO… and I feel so interested in how strongly I’m feeling right now about events I’m thinking about in my past AND I LOVE THIS FEELING OF DISGUST I LOVE ME. It feels like TERRROR!!! like being a little kid and being left behind by my parents (this didn’t happen to me) and feeling Abandoned, is this a feeling? It feels like hopelessness, like nausea, like overwhelm. Ok… Thank you feelings. I feel a little relief. I hope I was doing something useful by bringing up these feelings and feeling them a little bit.

  130.  #130Bethany on February 20, 2009 at 2:59 pm


    I feel sad that you feel sad…I don’t want you to feel like anything is your fault…I want to give you a hug. I don’t want you to feel alone…I feel bad that I shrink away from any hint of conflict and don’t participate…I feel bad for judging.

  131.  #131Reshi on February 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    I am feeling happy that Rori has jumped in on this discussion with her insights and her I Want statements. I love her vision and clarity. I love it when new women come here and add their fresh insights.

    I know that I can go through days or weeks in a miserable funk if I don’t bother to take care of my feelings, and that it’s really easy for me to just go through life without bothering to take care of my feelings.

    I feel judged just about all the time–so apparently that means I’m judging just about all the time–and yes, I am. I don’t like to admit to it, because that would make me a “not-nice woman,” but when I really take a look at how my mind works, I find that I am judging ALL THE TIME. And that, of course, means I’m judging *myself* all the time…I find myself feeling that it’s super important that I “measure up” to this standard my mind has chosen for how I should be. A matter of life and death.

    I didn’t really realize just how pervasive this was in me. I feel like I just could not survive in the world without judging myself and others. I have to say, though, that I automatically went to curiosity when my emotions were stirred up by Mercedes’ post. It was like, wow, this is cool, I feel all these things swimming around in my head and shoulders–whoa, this is what being triggered is like!

    I’m surprised by this because normally I would have just gone to beating myself up about chasing away someone who is CLEARLY better than me, given the empirical evidence that she is in a relationship, and that therefore she really belongs here and I don’t, and I have no right to make another person, especially someone better than me, feel something negative (and I have the DUTY to make those few people who are in some way “less” than me feel bad about themselves by treating them harshly…I’ve felt that many times in life though not really on this blog), and go crawl back in the hole, and bla bla bla. Beating myself up like that would feel very safe. Just calmly accepting that I may have said something that made another person decide to not be here anymore…without judging myself for having said it…feels a little dangerous, like I’m overstepping my bounds in some way. It feels like a slippery slope, like next thing I’ll be calmly accepting that I killed someone with a shovel. I don’t want to kill or hurt anyone, not even my ex or those who treated me cruelly when I was young, and DEFINITELY not anyone here.

    Then again…I recently read a news story where a man saw a woman being stabbed, and stopped the attack by beating the attacker over the head with a shovel. Were I that man, and had I accidentally killed the attacker…then perhaps calmly accepting this might be exactly the right thing to do.

    “Right thing”…more judging? Argh!

  132.  #132Daria on February 20, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    HAha… I feel amused by the ending or Reshi’s post. I must say I also really feel the same way, I feel like I am in some ways or have been when I was young very selfish, annoying, even EVIL having visions of doing bad things to people (maybe I read too much), and so I feel worried that I too might calmly kill someone with a shovel if I continue to honor my truth.

    Umm ok so I feel like I’m a psychopath in some ways. I love you inner psychopath. I actually feel respect for people who are mean to others because it shows strenght. I feel confused and so weird because my imagination is so “battle” oriented, the way I imagine a man’s is, and also the heroines in books I admire are also fighters, that is they kill people in battle and are strong and often seem to have cotempt for “women who do not fight and run away.” OHkay… now this is all fantasy but it plays out in my reality I’m sure. So how do I reconcile my wanting to be strong (proved by killing people in battle, overcoming by force?) with my desire to be loving and healing and tolerant and inclusive of all (which is also a really strong desire of mine). And what exactly am I talking about here… do I have these two faces separated for the right reasons, or am I only seeing separation in them because there’s room to be more whole.


    ok. Thank you.

  133.  #133Ann on February 20, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Thank you Rori it feels fantastic when one of “my mentors” joins in a conversation. I feel all the ladies on here are wonderful. I sincerly hope Mercedas will post her blog link, I’d LOVE to read it.

    I’d like to share a experience I had over 15 years ago that I’m just now grasping the concept to. But first let me say this is MY perception of the experience how I saw it then and how I see it now.

    A friend brought a counselor for a free counciltation(sp). I was talking about how so and so made made me feel…He stopped me and said “no-one can make you feel anything” My mind went WTF I thought he was a expert.

    But now over 15 years later, I’m just beginning to grasp for me what he meant. Which was I choose how I react to anything. I can feel any good there is in a situation, or I can feel the negative and stay in it or I can feel the negative and release it. It’s up to me.

    Sometimes I post here and noone says anything. And at times I feel neglect, ignore, hurt or abandoned by no response. But when I stay with feeling those feelings I know I experience what I’m feeling in the moment because of the past. I usually feel it and let it go. But I’ve learned to do that through Rori and all the other ladies here in this community.

    There’s a 12 step saying I love it is : “Take what you want and leave the rest”.

    Thank you ladies for letting me share this journey with you.

  134.  #134Cassandra on February 20, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Daria and Bethany..thank you for your posts and for letting me know that I was not the cause of all of the ‘drama’. I truly appreciated that. Bethany, I can so relate to you shying away from conflict. I USUALLY do and that was why this whole drama thing was so hurtful to me. For the first time I decided to step up and say what I thought…truly thought and felt and was being authentic in doing so and as you can see all hell broke loose. I can totally relate to shying away from conflict of any type and I feel in alot of ways that is a safer way to go for me however it will not allow me to be true to myself or get to those feelings that I don’t want to feel so I don’t know what the answer is. Daria….Thank you so so much for sharing with me how YOU get to those feelings and how YOU handle them once you figure out what they are. You had halped me too in a previous post where you told me that you tell your ‘bad’ feelings that you love them and that also helped me in my riffing. I have been doing alot of riffing on my own but have not getten to the point where I DO love those feelings and I still feel quite UNauthentic telling them that I do love them when I don’t. That feels untrue for me so I am not sure what to do with that either. Your posts help me so much and I so appreciated you and Bethany addressing what I feel/felt from earlier. I send you both hugs and thank you again.


  135.  #135Daria on February 20, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    When I find the feeling in my body, and tell that feeling or body part I love it, the feeling usually melts for me, and changes, and then I focus on the new feeling. Hence the… 1. I love you shoulder,

    2. And that feels….

    . Like shoulder releasing and mouth pouting


    1. Ilove you shoulder releasing and mouth pouting…

    2. And that feels like mouth corners rising and smiling, and pinching in my thigh

    Rori has a post on how to do this follow feelings in your body in the Self-Esteem category. That’s where I learned it. I also sometimes practice flowing feelings in my body with an energy technique called Emotrance.

  136.  #136Rori Raye on February 21, 2009 at 12:57 am

    Thank you, Ann – and I understand that feeling of sharing and wondering if anyone is hearing…and I am…

    And – to all – there is an entirely new vibe on here – it’s so SOFT! So lovely, so wonderful…what a fabulous tweak – can you sense it in all the comments? It’s the feminine – it’s very different when we give up (except for me, of course, that’s my job here, to be the “boy”) the masculine advising, judging part and just share ourselves.

    Thank you for sharing about your experiences with Emily, and Daria, for your shoulder sharing…and everyone…

    So cool, and brava! Love, Rori

  137.  #137heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 1:14 am

    I can feel the soft vibe – and yes, it feels so feminine and nurturing. I’m feeling full of awe and wonder. I’m letting it all soak in, it’s just what I need. And I feel connected to everyone again, and that feels really really good.

    I’m in bed resting after a day on the water learning rescue boat stuff – my muscles are aching and I feel like having a good massage.

    My energy is in resting mode, so I don’t feel like commenting much, but I’m pleased to hear from elegant Ann, and all my familiar friends, and Rori, and I feel excited reading Alias girl’s journey with Emily, and Reshi’s blog, and… so much more… but… ZZzzzz feel like sleeping this morning <3 <3 <3 I loves them little hearts

  138.  #138heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 1:19 am

    PS I’m up for giving up sugar for one week starting Monday – and I’m wondering, Rori, if that means refined sugar (as in, white/brown, comes in little granules) or any food containing sugar? This feels timely for me 🙂

  139.  #139Rori Raye on February 21, 2009 at 1:21 am

    Cassandra – and all – notice how quick we are to find fault with ourselves, to take “blame” for anything unsettling that happens. We all have to learn to shake things up and be okay with it. Success in the world takes a level of “leap” that is SO uncomfortable for us women – it’s as though success is a huge “no-no” – and truly – that’s what causes us to stuff our anger – and when we stuff our anger, that’s when we go into judging ourselves and then apologizing for everything.

    We’re about building confidence here. I LOVE to hear you speak out. There are injustices in the world that require us speaking out and damn what others think of us – I want you to start adopting some Diva qualities…

    We’re so afraid of being rude, we can become cold and act like we “don’t care” – and then that “reads” as rude…

    So just try to let this be a place of experimenting – I’ll step in if things get hairy – but if you just stay with yourself – no advice, just feeling messages – we’re practicing talking the way we want to talk to men – you can feel triggered by someone else – but they didn’t do it to you – you are simply being triggered because of your OWN stuff.

    Be grateful for every single insight you can glean.

    Listen – I know how this goes. I was once on a support group loop at a difficult point in my life fighting a chronic illness (I won!) – and at 3 in the morning, when I was in pain and panicked and terrified, all I wanted was to hear kind words and women telling me it would get better and to trust in the Universe and sink into the pain…and what I wanted to hear was not what I should be doing, but that THEY had experienced what I was experiencing, and that THEY were feeling better, and I would too.

    That’s what we’re looking for – but it can’t just be that way – because at any given moment, the person who’d just yesterday made me feel better would have a flare-up and be crying and asking for help, and reading her letter would be painful and not what I wanted to read at 3 in the morning.

    We are all moving. We are not always going to be what we want to hear or read.

    We instinctively want to stay feeling good by helping other people. That’s a way of putting aside our own feelings, and gain some mastery by helping someone else. So – the hard thing, and the thing that will help you all the most is to stay away from that.

    Try to see everything like this: You get triggered, you feel pain, you go into a downward spiral emotionally, you are in the soup, you touch ugly, painful feelings and feel them, then you swim around and touch beautiful, joyful feelings, just because you can, because you’re alive, you feel hopeful, and then you walk out into the sunlight and channel an action that expresses that aliveness and hopefulness and trust in yourself – even if it only happened for a second – and then you spiral upwards as good feeling moment leads to good feeling moment – until you get triggered again.

    The idea is to spend less and less time in the pain and ugly and WANT to SEE and FEEL the lovely, good feelings, and follow them UP…and let that happen organically because you WANT to.

    Choose to feel GOOD. Share with Feeling Messages, no advice or helping others, just share and go into hopefulness if you can, so we can feel your whole process.

    Let’s see how that works…so far, so much lighter here – and Cassandra, you’re floating up, too – you cannot have the beautiful without the ugly, the easy without the hard – you get to CHOOSE where you want to spend the most time.

    You are totally lovely, and I want to STRENGTHEN you – so, please – try out your Diva-ness with us. Just talk about yourself and your life, focus on you and what you sense, stay away from trying to help or comment on the rest of us except for how YOU feel – because that’s all of our default positions – helping others and being “nice.”

    I want to see a bunch of Diva’s here – even if it feels selfish to you, okay? I guarantee you not one of you is selfish. No one is responsible for anyone else. The freer you learn to feel, the more trust in yourself you practice, the more love you’ll radiate. You have to practice. Everyone, practice here without fear. Love, Rori

  140.  #140Daria on February 21, 2009 at 2:08 am

    Wow Rori that felt amazing to read. I felt so comforted and loved. I do not feel boy energy from you, and I feel a little confused about that because you say you are being boy energy.

    This really helped me:

    “We instinctively want to stay feeling good by helping other people. That’s a way of putting aside our own feelings, and gain some mastery by helping someone else.”

    Wow. So that’s what’s going on with that. That feels so clear and good to read.

    I also feel a little teeny bit worried because I just answered Gina’s question on the next post about what to do in her situation, and even tweaked a power speech out of her post. I hope that is not boy energy and I feel worried it is? I felt really interested and curious and shared what I would do in that situation and I feel super interested in her situation because I feel it resonates with me.

  141.  #141Katja on February 21, 2009 at 6:09 am

    Ladies! So much going on here 🙂

    I want to share a success story with all of you!

    I already told you about my fear of intimacy and that the relationship with my boyfriend went really bad after moving in with him and having a baby,that there was no sex for almost one year,etc.

    So,yesterday…after leaning back all day we sat together in front of the tv on the couch,he watched soccer and I was drawing something into my journal. I was totally focusing on me,not looking at him,only doing what I wanted to do,smiling,feeling really good. Then he came towards me,took the journal and the pen away and kissed me. First I had mixed feelings about this-my usual way would have been to push him away,saying I don’t have time and then being angry with myself because deep in myself I am longing for his kisses and touch. So I had to force myself a bit to only kiss him back and concentrate on receiving his touches and kisses. After a little while I relaxed and felt really good,I enjoyed the kissing and touching and the sweet things he whispered into my ear. I let him pull off my clothes and smiled and was able to let all my thoughts go and just be in my heart,feeling,relaxing,enjoying,receiving. Suddenly something unexpected happened. His libido fell apart (I don’t know the right words for this,but I think you can guess what I mean). He stopped kissing and touching me and sat there with a dissapointed face. I thought about it for a little while. There were three possibilities,I could act out and be angry. I could be nice and understanding and “helping”. Or I could be just me,accepting it,embracing the situation and going away without taking it personally. I chose the last one. I told him that I feel a bit confused. He didn’t say anything. I was okay with that. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t had to say anything. I went out of the room and took the baby and brought her to bed. He followed me after a while and said “Say something.” And I just said in a really soft and calm voice “I don’t have to say anything.” He laid down on the bed,I went into the bathroom,brushed my teeth and came back,laying down on the bed,too,looked into his face and smiled. Then he came towards me again,kissing me,being gentle,touching me. It felt great! I could sense that he felt safe. He opened up,talked,told me that he felt we have been unconnected for a long time,told me he loves me,told me how beautiful I am,told me he adores me. WOW!!! It was like magic. It felt like we were fresh in love with each other,like in the first stages of our relationship. It felt as if he wanted to explore my body,he kissed almost every part of me,he was so gentle. I focused all the time on receiving and enjoying. And he focused only on me,he wanted to know how I wanted to be touched etc. He NEVER asked anything like this before. He had never been that gentle before. I was in heaven!!! Btw his libido came back but it didn’t end in having sex because I wasn’t ready because of the pain I had the last time we tried it. But he was okay with that. I fell asleep in his arms,feeling so extremely loved and relaxed. It still feels like magic…

    Ok,that was my little success story from yesterday. Today he was kind of depressed again,but I didn’t react to that. I focused again on myself,making myself happy,doing what I want to do,having fun. I took a bath with my daughter-funny,seems like she is a bit afraid of water 🙂 We will see what happens next. But I feel great about how it turned out yesterday. Just some small changes and I had a wonderful experience. WOW!

    Joy and happiness to all of you! And I am really looking forward on watching the Oscars tonight (I think it is tonight,isn’t it?)-yeah we watch it in Germany,too! 🙂

    I feel really blessed today!

    Take care,

    Btw: not eating sugar the next week sound great but I am worried if there is some kind of sugar in bread,too?! But I eat a lot of vegetables tough and yoghurt and stuff like that because of my weight-watchers-program. Short question: Does sugar have to do anything with me being tired all the time?

  142.  #142Tracy on February 21, 2009 at 6:29 am

    wow kadja..i feel so inspired by your story……..thanks for sharing.

  143.  #143Katja on February 21, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Ok I was wrong,the Oscars are tomorrow… 🙂

  144.  #144heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Just passing through – Katja I feel excited and encouraged by your story, I like the choices you made! I feel hopeful.

  145.  #145alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    aw katja. i feel moved by your experience that you shared. i feel really excited. i feel moved and supportive.

    i feel happy to read it.

    also i’ve had men lose an erection at times while we were together and i just pay as little attention to it as possible. i don’t even put energy toward it in my mind. or i might say something like can we just lie here for awhile? and then maybe he’ll put his arm around me and we’ll start talking. not a big deal. it happens to a lot of men at one time or another.

    i feel so excited for you.

  146.  #146Daria on February 21, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Oh wow Katja that is an amazing success story. It feels so warming … I love it love it love it.

  147.  #147Ann on February 21, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    Thanks Katja for sharing. I felt happy for you while reading your post. I love reading everyone’s post.

    I feel in a curious mood today. I want to explore more of the world.

    I recently got a haircut, several women have told me how good it looks. One of my guy friends said it made me look younger. These compliments felt really good.

    I’m feeling great experiementing with the different perfumes I bought, each day. And all the new outfits. And exploring all the ways I can date myself.

    I’m feeling gorgeous.

    Rori I so appreciate all your help, it feels great when you join in the comments sections too. Thank you

  148.  #148Reshi on February 21, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Katja, wow, just wow! I felt so amazing reading your story. No sex for a year and then such an amazing evening…I feel so inspired. I almost feel like something so wonderful could happen for me. Almost. I don’t want to give myself permission to actually feel that. Immoral, cheating, bla bla bla. I want to judge myself and tell myself I’m not up to standard. And I love my judging judger. It feels like a man looking over a mail-order bride catalog and saying “not this one, her nose is too big…not this one, her hair is too dark…not this one, her ankles are chubby. Not you, Reshi, because you’re so different from my ideal I don’t even know where to START. That feels like an A-hole but what would it feel like if I swapped the genders? Not him, he’s too short, not him, he’s got a little potbelly, not him, I don’t like his hairstyle. That doesn’t feel much better. But then I go to…Not him, he doesn’t call when he says he will…not him, he put up a profile picture that’s 10 years old, not him, he was rude to the waitress on our first date. Not that job, it’s in a bad part of town…not that one, it pays less for more work than the one you have…not that one, the work environment is unhealthy.

    And HEY, my judger is useful now. That’s my Masculine protecting me. I definitely love my protective Masculine. I love to choose my circumstances. I love to decide what I will and won’t have in my life. My Feminine tells him what feels good and what doesn’t, and he loves her so he decides based on what will make her happy. That feels really, really good.

  149.  #149Katja on February 22, 2009 at 5:23 am

    Thanks to all of you 🙂

    I still feel great,I am still focusing on me and I will let you know what happens. Today there is not much to tell.

    Have a great day!

  150.  #150Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Katja, I felt so happy when I read your post, and I remembered one of your other posts about going out with your boyfriend for a birthday party (?) and how you handled that…and then this…wow, I feel really impressed. I feel happy that you are so natural and I can feel your confidence coming through!

    I felt really good when I read Rori’s last comment. I want to choose to feel good. I want to breakthrough and work through all my stuff. I want to feel good, and today all I can do is feel good about wanting to feel good.

    Sugar: when I don’t eat sugar, it’s like a cloud lifting…if I need junk food, I go for potato chips or SALT which, although eating tons of it isn’t good for the body, feels really satisfying. I feel great when I eat Oikos plain Greek yogurt with cinnamon and frozen blueberries in it…and sometimes frozen blueberries in a bowl if I want ice cream…I feel much calmer and find everything feels much easier when I don’t have poisonous sugar coursing through my system. Oh, and I felt really confident after reading “Potatoes Not Prozac” and much more in control of my understanding of how sugar affects me and people like me who are especially sensitive to sugar…I also have found that I feel really good when taking Natren probiotics…the Healthy Start Trio…it feels annoying because you have to keep them refrigerated to keep the live cultures active, but they are great…

  151.  #151Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Also, I feel like getting pap smears and treating myself for yeast infection is probably one of the best damn things I’ve done for my body recently. I feel kind of embarrassed sharing that here, but there you go. It felt gross to know I had an infection like that, but then I felt much cleaner and more Goddessy and good about that part, which deserves lots of respect and reverence, I feel, when it got all cleared up. I felt amazed that not all junk food is equal and that even when I would occassionally break into a bag of Lay’s, I still lost weight because I wasn’t eating sugar of any kind…

  152.  #152Daria on February 22, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    Wow Bethany I feel so thankful you shared something that “embarassing” like that… I was feeling mortified for about 18 hours after naming a body part on a post yesterday… I feel so glad to see you comfortable and I do not feel any judgement at all so that makes me feel safe…

    I was imagining everyone pointing at me like she must be a nutcase scenarios and just weird stuff was coming up for me but when another person says something like that I feel no judgement… weird… I feel glad to have experienced that feeling and did my best to love it

  153.  #153Cassandra on February 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Rori…..first I want to say thank you. I feel kind of silly but then again I feel good that that feeling silly is for this moment any how part of my process. I have not responded to what you write to me last week because I felt SO triggered by all that took place here last week that when I first read what you wrote I felt so hurt and I felt so angry and I felt so reprimanded BUT I also felt that if took time for ME to be in the soup about all of that then at SOME POINT I would get to feel the beauty….the rubies and the diamonds as you say….I don’t feel like I ever found the rubies or diamonds per say but I feel that I did find some peace and that felt and feels good…..I really have not been back here since then until today and I just RE-READ your post and it felt good to read and I felt even more silly this time because I realized that in my being SO AWFULLY TRIGGERED that the first time I read it I MIS read it so now I feel so happy that I mis-read it because when I just reread it I realized that I goofed big time and that honestly felt like giggles to me….it felt happy and it felt accpeting and it felt loved and even more giggles that I had MIS read it the first time. I feel so much more free now at least for this moment and that feels good. I AM trying to stay in ME and stay in the ‘i feels’. I just feel so thankful right now and I feel so loved. Thank you Rori. I felt inspired by your experience of you moving yourself out of a really bad physical battle and into a healthier happier you. I feel like celebrating not onoy your own freedom now but the promise of my own. Thank you thank you thank you. This feels like what I imagine it would feel like to really have a sister that loves and cares for you but will also tell you to ‘chill’ if you need to but only because she knows what you need to do to get to where you want to go and that feels really really awesome. For right now in this moment….I feel good.

    I feel so much love and gratitude for you Rori and feel that I just want you to be totally surrounded by nothing but joy and love.


  154.  #154Uschi on September 7, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    I don’t think Rori should go on Oprah cause then men would know what we are up to when we say I feel etc., not that they would totally understand the rest of it but when they hear from us “I feel …..” then they know the gig is up and if they are the wrong kind of man they play a role or pretend to do what we are hoping for them to do and then take advantage of that – of course such would be men we wouldn’t want anyway but it be a bit difficult to see if they are for real or not

  155.  #155coffee bag on August 23, 2010 at 8:09 am

    helpful post.

  156.  #156LaReina on March 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have been reading your eletters for about a month now and ordered your ebook. A friend of mine introduced me to your eletters and at that moment, I was in a relationship.

    I have found your eletters and ebook very helpful. I have read other relationship books as well and find that they reinforce what you say, so that makes me feel good.

    Here’s my story:

    I met a guy online. When we finally met in person, it was unreal! There was such a huge connection on so many levels. We were from the same country, so he understood the culture (which is not a dealbreaker but a biggie for me), knew alot of the same people I knew, we ran in the same social circles and it was freaky how our lives were so close and interconnected, but yet we never crossed paths until that moment. I had been married to a “toxic guy” and I finally felt I was being blessed by meeting someone who was all the things I ever dreamed of in a relationship.

    We were both nervous and scared at the intensity and speed at which the relationship was moving and we talked about it quite a bit in the beginning. We both agreed that we would feel the fear and do it anyway because it was just amazing what we were feeling. Within the first three weeks of our relationship he asked me to be his girlfriend and I asked him what that meant for him (unknowingly using one of your tools!) and I expressed what I wanted and the direction I saw myself in. Well, he said he saw us being together, combining families (we both have kids), living together and yes, marriage. The picture as he painted it was everything I wanted and had hoped for in so many years. He made me feel amazing, I opened up my heart (feeling the fear) and gave it my all. It wasn’t until after the “taik” that we became intimate and I accepted being his girlfriend. We met each others families, friends and children rather quickly and we both acknowledged it but it felt so “natural and right”. Everyone in our respective families were happy and thirlled.

    About a month and a little bit into the relationship, his mom passes away. As you can imagine, It was a very difficult time and I did my best to be supportive, compassionate and help him through this traumatic moment in anyone’s life. His mom was buried out of the country and he was gone for about 12 days. We kept in constant contact through phone calls, texts and video calls. He expressed his “love” for me and how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to come home to me.

    Upon his return, everything changed. His grief was heartfelt and I felt powerless to make him “feel” better. Mistake number one. I realize now that I over nutured him during his initial return home. There was no sex for about two weeks and while it bothered me, it wasn’t so much the physicality what I missed but the intimacy, the closeness, the connection we had before he left that I felt wasn’t there any more. I atributed it to the his grief and I tried to understand it. I felt angry, insecure and unable to help him. I felt we were both grieivng – he the loss of his mom and I the loss of the relationship and man he wsa prior to his mom’s passing. He was sad (understandably), withdrawn and distant. I sought therapy from a counselor to deal with my own issues regarding his mom’s death and felt that by dealing with my thoughts, I could in turn help him with his process. I accepted the fact that it wasn’t my process but his and I was not resposible for moving it along, he was.

    About a month later, I traveled out of the country and he lent me his cell phone he had used when he went to bury his mom. While out of town, I was sending a message to him and it went into the dratfts folder where I picked it up to continue writing and I noticed there were several messages to a girl. I then looked at his sent messages and discovered that he had been texting, seeing and may have had a sexual encounter with someone else while he was supposedly going through the most difficult time a human being can endure which is the loss of a parent. He initiated the contact and the way it read, I feel that this was someone he had already been talking to before his mom died and we were supposedly moving forward in our relationship.

    I confronted him on my return home and he denied it. I didn’t believe him and felt more angry and offended that he would think that his “excuse” was plausible. He is not a young boy. He is 42 years old. I told him I had lost trust in him and that the only thing I wanted was honesty. I should have listened to my feelings then and broke it off, but he did not want to end the relationship and kept professing his innocence.

    Needless to say, I was devastated. I felt betrayed, angry, confused and very hurt. I felt I had played it on the up and up with him by being honest, communicative, loyal and exclusive to him. After reading your eletters and book, I realize that was a big mistake. I definitely overfunctioned, did instead of felt, controlled and was the masculine energy. It was difficult for me to turn it off and be the feminine energy when I have had to wear the masculine hat for so long.

    Two weeks after that incident, (three months into the relationship) was the two month passing of his mom. I arranged for a relative back home to place fresh flowers on his mom’s grave on that day in his name. I felt it was a beautiful gesture and something he would appreciate. As an aside, the grounds keeper offered for a minimal price to maintain the gravesite. It was so insignificant that my relative didn’t even consult me, but agreed to the service. Rori, when I told him what I had done, his main and only concern was that I had paid for the maintenance of the gravesite!!! He did not acknowledge the gesture, the feelings behind the gesture…or even thank me! I was crushed. He is the only man with five very controlling and overly involved sisters. His life is definitely controlled by everyone else and I do not live in committee as I feel he does. He made a big stink with his sisters and family and everyone was very upset at me because they felt (thanks to him) that I had somehow thought they couldn’t do it themselves and had crossed into “family business”.

    I was so blown away by this whole thing, my head was reeling. We discussed it, we didn’t fight, we didn’t disrespect each other or anything of that nature. He felt I should have consulted him prior to sending the flowers and the maintenance. He finally said it was a very nice thing to have done but stuck to fact that I should have consulted him. I didn’t feel I needed to consult anyone to be me!! He refused to accept any responsibility for his actions regarding his family and the mess he created.

    It was late and he stated he needed to get to work early the next day and I asked if he was kicking me out to which he said no he just didn’t want to discuss the subject any longer. He said “tomorrow will be a better day” I grabbed my purse and said I was leaving, he kissed me on the cheek, and I asked if he was not going to address my feelings or validate them to which he replied “tomorrow will be a better day” , so I left.

    I could understand that he may have been upset. It was our first disagreement and I gave him 24 hours to reach out to me and he did not. I waited a few more days and decided to send him his things via mail. That was almost four weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since. It has been a very difficult time for me as I felt he acted very cowardly and his actions were unecessary if he simply wanted to break up with me, he should have said so. I gave him an out before with the betrayal, I felt he should have taken it and not hurt me in this way.

    I received a “butt dial” about a week ago and I did not respond or reach out to him. I miss him, I’m still angry. A part of me wants closure. I want to be able to tell him how I feel. I know there is no going back because he obvioulsy didn’t really feel everything he said he did if he cheated on me so early on in the relationship coupled with the fact that he hasn’t reached out to me at all.

    Rori, what do I do? I want to release all these feelings! I am taking care of me…I’m focusing on me. I am finally understanding the things that I may have done without even knowing thanks to you. I have my moments, I think of him often. He really was the man for me in so many respects but, I also see where he was lacking.

    After telling you my story, my question is…should I look for the closure that I feel I need by letting him know how I feel (which may not be a reality more like a want) or just keep doing what I am doing and keep trying to move on. I really look forward to your response.

    Thank you,

  157.  #157Rori Raye on March 22, 2012 at 10:47 am

    la Reina – I’m going to take your whole comment and use it as a post with my answer – for now – I’ll just say this with basic information:

    Love is not reasonable. Men do not feel love for us because of “anything.” To put your actions into focus – if a friend of mine had sent flowers to the grave of my mother in HER name, I would have been touched by that. If she sent flowers in MY name – and then went ahead and ordered maintenance for me – I would have felt totally weirded out. And I’m a GIRL!!!

    A man cannot tolerate this kind of thing. It undermines him completely. And – the most important thing here – it kills his attraction for you. The last thing in the world a man is attracted to is someone who “takes care of him.” In any way. UNLESS she’s also seriously into herself and being a “girl” ALL the rest of the time. I mean, you can cook a meal for a man – occasionally. If you’re a girl the rest of the time.

    The work that has to be done here lies NOT in closure with this man, but work on your part Circular Dating with other men – until you’ve got this “girl” thing down. Love is about attraction – and if you are a masculine energy woman, and you want to stay that way – then you’d best be looking for a feminine energy man who would love for you to take over things and nurture him the way you instinctively want to do. Love, Rori