Three Years Together As “Friends And Lovers” – What Should He Call You?

Untitled design (14)

Dear Rori,

I have read and listened to a lot f your ebooks, and workshops (modern siren, reconnect your relationship, commitment blueprint and lovescript for relationships), but I am facing a very specific problem in my relationship that I don’t know how to address. I have been in a relationship (we are separated from our respective spouses) for about 3 years with a man that I love very much and who loves me as well ( I can feel that).

We are best friends and lovers. I have with him the relationship that I want, as I am a fully devoted mother of a little boy, and as committed as I am to this man, I don’t want to live with him or marry him. Our expectations for this relationship are very much in line right now, and I keep an open mind as to what the future will hold and whether the desire from both of us to live together will arise or not. There is one thing though that really upsets me: I am a very straightforward person and I have told my family and friends about him. So far, he has not been willing to tell his children and family about us.

He has told his best friend from grade school recently, but that is all. He will take me out with his family though, as his “friend,” and I am very uncomfortable with this every time as I feel that I am living a lie. This behavior makes me feel like running away from this relationship, even if I enjoy it very much, because I feel like (I know this is awful) he is not telling them the truth because he doesn’t think it is worth it, and will take that step when he seriously commits to someone.

Can you help me with this? How can I address this?

Thank you, G.

From Me:

Question: Why – if you don’t want to live with him or marry him – do you care about these other things?

Relationships can’t stand still.

Either they move forward or they fade.

If he doesn’t want to make a home with you, and you with him – the thing is really just a friendship with sex.

If this is what you want right now – and it sounds like it is – my advice is to think about what all these other wishes and expectations mean to you. Why do you care who “knows” you’re lovers?

AND – I’d ask him! Talk to him!

Share with him how you feel about where you’re at – and request these few alterations in how he talks about you.

3 years is a very long time to not be able to talk about the deep things.

If what you want is to keep it superficial – then that’s your answer!

He doesn’t want to call you his “girlfriend” if that’s not what’s going on.

Essentially – you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. If being his girlfriend is all you want for now – then talk with him about what that means for you and how he can make some adjustments to make you happier.

If this isn’t about the future – then talk about the now.

Good luck – and I’m so happy you have most of what you want here…Love, Rori


From G:

Hi Rori,

Thank you so much for your response! You have certainly asked the right questions, and honestly, I wished I had the answers. I think that, although the situation is working for me now, I feel like we are lying to his family when we are with them pretending that we are “just friends”. I have told my family the truth, as I have a wonderfully open relationship with them and they trust that as long as I am happy things are fine. I suppose I can’t expect the same on his part, but it is really bothering once in a while.

I wished there was a way for me to get to the bottom of my feelings and really understand them. I have been married before and just got through a divorce, and that creates a lot of fear of making the same mistakes again. And I am very content with what we have now, but somehow (probably also because I understand that relationships can’t stand still), I think that I fear to move forward as much as I fear to see this relationship fade… Am I doomed here with too many contradictory feelings?

I am so confused… I have to say though that my lover responds very well to your communication tools!

Thank you again,



From Me:

G – have you asked him what he wants from this relationship, and what he sees, and if he thinks of you as his friend or as his girlfriend, and is there something you should know about why he calls you “just friends” with regard to his family?

What’s important here is for you just to know what’s going on with him – and either accept it or reject it.

I’m sure you two are on the same page, but it’s good to talk about it and to know…and if anything’s bothering you, it’s good to get it out into the open.


From G:

Thank you Rori, I will try to find out what is going on with him and keep you posted with the result (I will practice the lovescripts!).

From Rori:

It all boils down to what we want.

Not what looks good, or sounds good – or even the “meaning” we give to what we feel.

The whole point of feeling our feelings is to give us the information we need to choose how we perceive our experiences and our feelings.

If something doesn’t feel right to us – we need to experience that – and then we need to ask ourselves what would feel better.

And if what would feel better would be HIM doing something – then that’s the problem.

We are always in motion.Β  Towards something, away from something, just wandering around, feeling and experiencing.

Being drawn to something, being repelled by something…just wandering.

What someone else does alongside us in this dance is what we want to experience – and see what feels best – moving towards, moving away.

And always, always speaking the truth of what’s going on for you – without giving it any meaning, or anyone’s fault, or working to create a solution.

We can’t change him.

We can only choose to be there with him or not.

We can only accept everything unconditionally, and speak our feelings.

Or, we can step away.

If we’re with the right, good man, he’ll hear us and do whatever it takes to make us feel happy before we step away. And he can tell he’s on the right track when we smile and say we feel happy.

I know it sounds way too simple – but truly it is. It only gets complicated when we try to hang on, try to make something happen, try to make change.

Go in a different direction. Discover what it feels like to be where you are – and then discover what you’d like it to feel like. Then talk about that – and instead of asking for change, say how it feels the way it is and the way you’d like it to feel. Be specific.

You can do this.Β  Just start from where you are, and let’s see what happens!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Difficult one.

  2.  #2Sassy on March 12, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Thank you Rori,

    this is awesome!
    Sometimes it happens, that I forget the easy but most powerful wisedom:

    We can’t change him.
    We can only choose to be there with him or not.
    We can only accept everything unconditionally, and speak our feelings.
    Or, we can step away.

    Thx for this important reminder!


  3.  #3Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Interesting weekend with my nieces and brother, away from the hubby.

    I was listening to music as I drove down and was really enjoying the music and thinking about me, to really focus on me. I had an Alanis Morisette CD in the car and when I heard her song Incomplete and listened to it about 20 times. It was really moving for me.

    I helped me think about putting the focus on me.

    Anyway, it was a beautiful day for a drive and I really enjoyed listening to the music and feeling free. I decided on that drive that from now on my happiness is my number one priority.

    I did not call my husband on Friday, though our usual pattern when one is out of town is that the out of towner does the calling. But I leaned back.

    He did not call Friday, but left a message at 9:30 on Saturday. I returned his call and left a message at 12:30 saying that i was having fun and what activities we were doing.

    He never called me back. Though I never said call me back.

    I felt sad a few times when he did not call.

    I left a couple hours later than I would have if he had driven along with me. He always wants to get on the road early, but I wanted to take my time.

    I did not call on the drive home, and wondered if that was the right thing, but decided to lean back.

    I arrived home at about 7:30, and announced that I was home. He came out to greet me looking sad, but seemed glad to see me.

    He said “When you didn’t get home sooner, I wondered if you decided not to come back.”


    With a cheery smile I said “Why would I do that? I was just having fun with my nieces (list activities) and with the time change and all just left later than usual.”

    I asked what he did over the weekend. Apparently he rented a limo and took 2 friends (guys) out on the town. They went to some newer restaurants around town, and played skeet ball at one of the places.” Interesting. I am out of town and he spends a bunch of money to go out drinking and doing something fun.

    Oddly, I have been wanting to do something fun with him and have been asking to get out and do something for weeks. But he is tired and just wants to stay home and doesn’t want to do any fun thing I suggest. The dynamic is just crazy. He cancelled the paper because I said I wanted to talk and all we do is read the paper.

    So, I decide to respond a different way. (I have to admit, normally hearing him suggest spending all the money on a limo, so he could go out drinking and be able to drink as much as he wants would have made me want to tell him not to.)

    So I said, I am glad to hear you had something fun to do. It’s funny going out to play skeet ball or something different with you is exactly what I would like to do with you. It would make me feel really happy to do that with you.

    Left off the judgements about spending all that money.

    Left off all the judgements about drinking.

    Trying not to be judging or controlling.

    And it seems no coincidence to me that he planned a really fun expensive thing while I was out of town. Cause I would have told him not to do it. Too much drinking and too much money.

    Hopefully that was the right thing to say. Controlling him is a waste of time. And I have to say right now, I really would like to have fun with him and be connected to him.

    He did say maybe we would have to plan going out for lunch sometime and going to that place that has skeet ball. (It is really busy in the afternoon.)

    Then we talked about the fun things I did this weekend and what a great time I had.

    Then he kind of grabbed my hands. He said I seemed tense and he was trying to unclench my hands. I must admit I was a little afraid he would be angry that I came home so late (which wasn’t late by most people’s standards.) I was really worried too about how the “homecoming” would go.

    Later that night, I talked about what the plan was for Easter, and previously, he talked like he did not want to go to my family’s for easter, so I was planning on going myself. Then after I talked about the plan, he said maybe he would go with me afterall.

    Interesting. Not sure if I want him to come with me now. He just drinks so much at my dad’s house, and then we it is tense between us, because his personality changes, he attributes the tension to me being stressed about being around my dad, and that I take it out on him. He thinks he is great fun when he is drinking. And of course it numbs his pain.

    At some point I am going to need to be able to express my truth to him about how it feels to be with him when he is drinking, without judging him.

    Still debating if I should staying with friends on the weekends. I definitely want to fill the weekend days up with more fun time with friends.

    And I do want to continue to think about moving out, and focus on my happiness. That IS my number one priority. It has to be. I can’t spend my life worrying about him and his feelings and his issues. It is all about me from now on. Let go of fear, focus on my happiness. And then just see what happens.

  4.  #4Brenda on March 12, 2012 at 8:50 am

    It was my turn to be first on the thread! LOL, why didn’t I post when I had the chance?

    Good stuff, Rori!

  5.  #5Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Powerful email from Rori:-

    Dear ,

    If you’re deep into that hot, juicy, scary and sometimes painful thing with a man we all call “chemistry” – but what you REALLY want is INTIMACY with him – this tip will help you:

    Chemistry is a trick.

    It fools you.

    Chemistry is about…well, chemicals.

    They hit your nose, and the cells of your body, and they remind you of things long ago and turn you on.

    They make you think you’ve hit the “one.”

    They make you want to take him home.

    They make you want to open up your heart, body and soul to him, with him.

    And it makes you want to trust your feelings that this is true.

    Intimacy, on the other hand – is slow growing.

    It makes you bump up, time and time again, against your old habits, stale patterns, your beliefs that have gotten you through life up to this point.

    Intimacy challenges your heart, mind, body and soul to rethink themselves.

    Intimacy – when you create it, and when a man can do it, and when you feel it – opens up ALL the cells of your heart, mind, body and soul to a relationship with a man.

    * Chemistry makes us want to merge with a man.

    Intimacy makes us want to share with him.

    * Chemistry makes us want to get from a man.

    Intimacy makes us want to receive from him.

    * Chemistry makes us want to give to a man to get from him.

    Intimacy makes us want to give back to him because we’re already so filled up.

    * Chemistry makes us want to make something happen with a man.

    Intimacy makes us want to create with him.

    * Chemistry makes us feel afraid.

    Intimacy makes us feel secure.

    * Chemistry makes us feel we love.

    Intimacy makes us feel loved.


    If you’re with a man – you get to practice intimacy on him, using these tools.

    And what if there IS no man right now? Then it’s all about beginning to create intimacy with every human being you meet.

    In a sense, what this tool helps you do is practice INTIMACY with everyone you meet, and – most importantly – intimacy with yourself!

    So, whether or not you’re “in” a relationship, you can be Circular Dating.

    And as you Circular Date (essentially simply practicing the tools of speaking as my Love Scripts program teaches you), you’ll begin to find that “intimacy” is about your intimacy with YOU much of the time!

    It’s the question: “How can I feel sexy, or lovely, or desirable, or “intimate” if there’s no man here to feel that with?”

    And the answer – if you really ask yourself – has to be: All this has to happen inside ME, first.

    Love has to circulate in your OWN inner system before you can fully experience it in relationship with the world – otherwise what happens is:

    We intellectually take in that there’s a man, in relationship with us.

    We think our way through it, we experience the physical aspects of it to some degree, we experience emotionality to some degree, but all the depth, all of the REAL experience just slips by us.

    We make assumptions about what’s going on. About who we are, about who he is, and about what this is supposed to look like.

    We ignore inner voices that are telling us that this is all for US to “make up” however we wish to “make it up” – and steadfastly choose to see things as we always have.

    We assume that a lack of “chemistry” at the beginning of knowing a man means “love” isn’t possible.

    We assume “true love” is what it’s like in the movies, without considering that perhaps it looks and feels completely different in OUR real life.

    We are more impressed by a feeling of yearning inside us than a feeling of contentment.

    We judge all kinds of things, and the more power we give to our image of a man, the less power we give ourselves to feel, organically, what feels right for us – instead of what we “think” is right for us.


    Intimacy is where it’s at – so how can you FEEL a sense of intimacy when there’s no man in your life at the moment, or the man in your life just doesn’t feel emotionally intimate to you?

    For me it starts with feeling intimate with ME – where I’m hearing all the voices inside me and not ignoring any of them

  6.  #6Brenda on March 12, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I’ve gotten a whole bunch of responses from my new profile, and I know I won’t be able to keep up with them all! LOL, I haven’t had this feeling for a long time!

  7.  #7Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Yayy Brenda Brenda Brenda

  8.  #8Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Another good one (partial copied here) from Rori:

    So what do you do to make your man want you

    The simplest, easiest, fastest way to make this
    happen sounds like common sense – but, actually –
    it’s the exact OPPOSITE of everything a woman
    thinks she “should” do!

    And that secret is to – take care of YOU.

    Yes, this sounds too simple. And “love
    yourself” is something you’ve probably heard over
    and over again from “self-help gurus” but it’s

    Loving yourself makes a man respect you, it
    makes him find you fascinating, it makes him find
    you desirable – and it fires up his system so he
    feels like falling in love with you!

    The big question has to do with the “how-to” of
    loving yourself in a way that makes a man love YOU
    more. Here are some steps to help you:

    1. You must FILL your life with all the
    things that make YOU feel good, such as work you
    enjoy, activities which fulfill you.

    Could be dance classes, pottery lessons,
    reading in the park, writing, reading, anything
    that turns YOU on – massages, manicures, a
    decadent piece of the best, most expensive
    chocolate. Now…

    2. Let that full-life feeling and real interest
    in yourself show on your OUTSIDE!

    Change your hair color, go curly or straight,
    change what you’re wearing – clothes, makeup,
    nailpolish, everything. Wear red on your lips and
    body – and just shake it all up so that YOU feel
    different. Fresh. New.

    This way – when he shows up in a bigger way for
    you (and he will)- you’ll feel like an “unfamiliar
    woman” to him. You can literally “start new” with
    him. Then…

    3. As you go about your life being filled up,
    you must keep your heart open to him so he feels
    welcome to come to you. (It’s really important to
    remember – no matter how hard it is – that HE must
    come to YOU, not the other way around (and he

    When he sees you having a wonderful, full
    life without him, he will become curious.

    When your energy is no longer chasing him and
    pressuring him, he will finally be able to
    breathe. He will no longer feel smothered by all
    your attentions as the “good girlfriend”.

    He will have space to come to you, pursue
    you – just as it needs to be.

    This is his job as a man. It’s his job to call,
    make plans, let you know he’s interested, that he
    wants to be with you.

    Your job as a woman is to receive HIS
    attentions – wholeheartedly, without reservations.
    You job is to keep your heart open, and receive
    his love.

    This is not such an easy thing for women –
    to be vulnerable and open. But it pays off big
    time. And last…(women so often make this

    4. Remember this important key: A man is
    HAPPIEST when he’s actively making YOU happy.

    To get extra help on how to be so warm,
    welcoming and attractive that you’ll draw in a man
    who wants to make you happy – and KEEP him wanting
    to make you happy, check out Rori Raye’s free
    newsletters and free report (5 Heart Connection
    Tools) here:

  9.  #9LoveAlways on March 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Thank you Rori for being available for questions like this. It just enhanced your programs and this blog because you are in touch and up front with your help. This was a very touching interchange. I’ve experienced the same thing as G, and I could not take it (just over three years). He was in love with me but hid our “relationship.” Wow, it feels good to read this.

  10.  #10LoveAlways on March 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Good for you Brenda!!!

    Rori has a whole section in Targeting Mr. Right for this type of situation

  11.  #11Starla on March 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I woke up in a panic — I didn’t actually mean I needed to wait until engagement to have sex! I meant I MIGHT need to wait until engagement to feel comfortable and safe. I struggled so hard to communicate concisely when we had the conversation.

    So I emailed him this morning, Mel style:). I’ve never emailed him before about anything like this. I feel so much better. I basically told him how much I appreciated he was a good listener to me yesterday and was open to whatever I had to say, and i told him I wanted to revise my statement from yesterday, and I told him I wasn’t actually sure when I would feel ready, and that I didn’t feel good pigeonholing myself into some timeline one way or another.

    I feel better now:)

    My NVs were really eating at me this morning. I thought about letting it drop and trying to just ignore the urge to “fix,” but then I realized my problem was I didn’t fully mean what I said.

    and now my NVs are still going, like “Starla, you dumb girl, you just forced him to consider if he wants to marry you by even bringing it up, and if he decides the answer is no right now, he might dump you!”

    but i am going to feed those NVs a cookie. There is nothing wrong with my feelings. And I am open and honest about them, and I try really hard to communicate openly and I don’t honestly feel like I screwed anything up. I just love me.

    So much love to me.

  12.  #12Iamabutterfly on March 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

    This post feels so empowering.

    Thank you, Rori!

    Today, I feel grateful for my own courage. For my strength as a woman, who helps other women feel empowered. For the wisdom I’ve acquired through feeling heartache, pain, and also feeling the highest highs and deepest joys. For my playfulness and youthfulness, which makes so many people think I’m ten years younger than I am. πŸ™‚

    For my shyness, when I don’t quite know what to do with myself.

    For my confidence, which blows so many men away when I fully feel and embrace it!

    For SeenmecryCD, and how he stares at me from across the room like I’m the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen.

    For sticking to my boundaries, even when it feels scary and shaky. For feeling so much stronger afterwards!

    For sweet surrender. Not the sexual kind, but the surrender to a higher power.

    For the courage to let everything go, including my “need” to control everything.

    For truthful friends.
    For new friends.

    For people who can see through me and love me and love all the many layers of me, who seek to dig and find even more layers of wonderfulness inside of me.

    For finally loving myself.
    I am worthy of love!

    There is no other creature like me on this earth, and I have so much to offer this world before I leave it.

    And I WILL offer so much. I will feel. I will receive. I will smile. I will give back. I will let anything roll off my shoulders that needs to roll of my shoulders.

    I will speak truth, seek truth, know truth, love truth.

    I will BE truth.

    And nothing and no one can deny me.

  13.  #13Iamabutterfly on March 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

    @3 Hopeful – That felt so inspiring to read. I feel proud and “hopeful” for you! (((Hugs)))

  14.  #14Starla on March 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

    eeeeeeep i am freaking out, but i am just going to do what i did last night, which is send lots of love to me. everything’s going to be okay, Starla!

  15.  #15Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Hopeful…wow!!! seems like he is energetically opening up to you…and you rock starred it!!! πŸ™‚ Just by being you…and focusing on you πŸ™‚

  16.  #16Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I am a butterfly…@12…feels warm and shiny and authentic

  17.  #17Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

    13 & 15 – Thanks for your comments. I do kinda wonder if things are changing, but we have a long ways to go. Lots of things on his end are just not good for me. But I can’t change him. So we will see how it goes.

    Meanwhile, I think I finally get what it means to put the focus on me, and my happiness, and not try to change him.

    But how far can I lean back before it seems like stonewalling or avoiding him? Unsure, but must keep the focus on having fun, and learning to be true to my self, even if I can’t share my truth with him – yet.

  18.  #18Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Iamabutterfly – 12 – Your post is so cool. I want to be able to post something like that.

  19.  #19Lizka on March 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I am feeling weird today. All morning I wanted to cry and it’s NOT because of ATW.

    I am just really tired and PMSing I guess.

    I am very happy with ATW and the night we spent together. I feel good about it. We felt felt asleep snuggling and I woke up in the middle of the night we were not cuddled but he was still holding my hand. I think of this today and it makes me smile.

    I’m just wondering… When we talked about why he didn’t ca for one full week he said he thought I was mad because I didn’t answered to his message last week. I send I would feel good to hear from him more often. He said “you know you could always call me eh?”. I told him I feel so much better when he calls. He said he understands but I feel that calling him myself sometimes could create some intimacy more than staying on my own side and waiting. I’m wondering if I could contact him just sometimes… I feel good about texting him sometimes just to say hi or send a FM. Not to invite him. I know the radical Rori Raye way would be a definite NO but I like to adapt her rules to my own life… Do you have any thoughts on this?

  20.  #20Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Hopeful stonewalling includes emotionally closing down. Many men do that and as a child I experienced it from both parents. They because punish you by taking love away and have no communication going on. I believe that keeping your heart open so he can feel it with you sharing feeling messages and staying warm is totally the opposite. I believe that at times one can use their mind to keep their heart open by putting some energy there with our thoughts and visualizations. I believe he will feel it when that is done.

  21.  #21Iamabutterfly on March 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

    @ 16 Jilly and @ 18 Hopeful – thank you, Lovely Sirens! πŸ™‚

  22.  #22Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I am making a list of super yummy good for you ingredients today, for my smoothies and meals.

    What are your favorite smoothie/health supplement foods?

    I also want to try coconut oil for cooking.

  23.  #23Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Lizka, I believe you need to outgirl ATW. Yes, he is very femine in his ways. He was raised by a single mom, right?

  24.  #24Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 10:43 am

    I feel excited, happy and exposed?

    I feel hesitant to share but I want to

    I was recently asked to do an interview for deliberate creators on Law of Attraction for a very prominent LOA website πŸ™‚

  25.  #25Silver Moonbeam on March 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

    #6 Brenda

    Go Jane, Tarzan is swinging through the trees your way. πŸ˜€

  26.  #26Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:45 am


    Those are questions I have asked myself. I like the Siren,s advice, but try to adapt to what my gut is telling me. Like yesterday, I responded to a text which didn’t require a response, but I felt good about it because I was expressing how I felt about his text.

    I do believe you need to outgirl ATW. I have the same thing going on with M and outgirling has done wonders. He often tells me how I make him feel like a man! Yeah!

  27.  #27Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Siren Angel I always put blueberries and strawberries in my smoothie. I also love Andrew Lessman’s Pina Colada protein powder.

    I love mangoes also but don’t get them all the time. I have started using cinnamon when I use these types of sweet fruits.

  28.  #28Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Also, I witnessed an interesting conversation between M and his male friend who visited at the cottage we were vacationing at. They both shared how their ex’s ‘wore the pants in the relationship’ and I smiled when I saw the digusted look on their faces while they were thinkign about that! WHOA!

  29.  #29Silver Moonbeam on March 12, 2012 at 10:50 am

    #24 Jilly

    Oh very well done, do share!! πŸ™‚

  30.  #30Goodheart on March 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

    OMG Jilly, that is exciting! I so love LOA.

    Are you going to do it?

  31.  #31Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

    OMG ladies…out of the blue and feeling completely surprised…I got a text from RecycledCD after no contact for several months.

    I am literally shocked. There was no prompting from me at all no calling or texting from my side at all whatsoever.

    I’m so surprised right now I don’t know what to do. He wants me to call him…

    Breathe Emerson. I am getting way to excited thinking of us reuniting and getting way ahead of myself right now. I don’t want to get carried away and then feel disappointed.

    Maybe he’s just feeling sentimental or guilty or who knows maybe lonely or whatever….

    I think I need to revisit the control speak versus surrender speak article.


  32.  #32Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

    ooooh…Siren Angel..this is one of my favorite topics πŸ™‚

    I love green smoothies with kale, spinach, chard…and strawberries, blueberries and sometimes banana and pineapple YUM..and I grind up some flax seeds…and I keep it pretty simple but I like simple πŸ™‚ ( has great suggestions)

    Also, you probably already know this…but make sure the coconut oil in unrefined cold pressed, super important. I have been using it for years and I have a little every day πŸ™‚ I use it to cook my eggs in.

  33.  #33Lizka on March 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Siren Angel

    I feel confused. Outgirlin means staying on my side and him staying on his side if he’s not stepping up. Right?

    I might have not understand the concept.

    So you are saying I should NOT contact him once in a while (but considering the waterwheel o love) even though he DID ask me to call him?

  34.  #34Goodheart on March 12, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Jilly, I have toyed with the idea of being a LOA coach. I have a passion for talking about it & whenever I share it with friends (only when they ask) they get so excited & tell me they love talking about it. Then they start coming to me for advice πŸ™‚

    I have studied it for over 2 years now & am still learning.

  35.  #35Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:54 am


    I usually always put pineapple, bee pollen, honey, almond butter and almond milk. That’s my usual ‘base’ for smoothies.

    I love to use frozen mangoes or frozen peaches.

    Then I add a mix of what I have at home, bananas and/or berries.

    I want to try ground flax seeds, papayas, or health herbs, maybe ginger and mint.

    I am starting to research on supplementing with Spirulina, proteins (I have used rice protein in the past), and other healthy ‘stuff’ but am not so experienced and knowledgeable yet on all these!

    I want healthy skin, immunity booster, anti-aging, weight control (bee pollen for that now).

    I also want to try vegetables smoothies and am thinking of starting with spinach and some fruit mixed in with lemon.

  36.  #36Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Silver Moonbeam and Goodheart…thank you!!! I feel so supported…and that feels warm and fuzzy all over!! πŸ™‚

    Yes…it’s happening today at 2!

    Emerson ((((hugs)))) you got this! πŸ™‚

  37.  #37Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Jilly, thank you for the suggestions! πŸ™‚

    Yes, I love smoothies too, started that and I feel so good and healthy, I want to learn more and more about filling my body with nutritious yumminess! πŸ™‚

  38.  #38Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I did not have to contact SmartCD this morning – instead I got a text from him, asking how my family’s visit is going. I replied that it feels oh so great and warm, asked how he was feeling and said that tonight they are doing their own thing. Nothing in response from him, it’s been many hours already.

    I know I did not directly ask him out, but I did give him a hint, he could ask if he wasn’t sure. Not nice to go silent on me! errr

  39.  #39Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:00 am


    I think you should follow your gut on this. But telling him ‘you feel so good when he initiates plans, calls, ect,’ is a great way to get him started being more masculine energy. Start with FMs when you are with him or next time he suggests something you could say ‘it feels so good when you take charge of the plans, I feel so cherished and taken care of, this feels good’. It’s a learning process for them too and as Rori says ‘you are the first domino’.

  40.  #40Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Lizka…you are doing great…keep experimenting with what you are doing..checking in with you and how everything feels to you…and I agree with SA about out-girling him πŸ™‚

  41.  #41Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 11:01 am


    I think it depends on how close you guys are.. As you really WERE disappointed with him at times while waiting. Yes, he said you can call him and so did you πŸ˜‰

  42.  #42Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:03 am


    I think you should give him what he asks for, so you show consideration. But you should ‘train’ him with FMs. Does that make sense to you?

  43.  #43Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 11:04 am

    He could at least answer my question and tell me how he is feeling and if he is busy tonight mention that he has plans. Silence feels disrespectful. errr

  44.  #44Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:05 am


    I would lean back now, focus on you. If he wants to see you, he will ask. He may be in a different mindset right now or taking care of plans with kid, ect.

  45.  #45Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Goodheart…awesome!! that’s great…what’s stopping you? πŸ™‚

    That’s what I am πŸ™‚ Specifically a LOA weight loss coach but life coaching too …since it all goes together πŸ™‚

  46.  #46Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:06 am


    You are doing great btw. πŸ™‚

    Very happy for you and ATW πŸ™‚

  47.  #47Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Starla…of course it will be ok πŸ™‚ you are a rock star at this πŸ™‚

  48.  #48Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Hemp seed for my concoctions, definitely hemp seed, a complete protein and very, very easy to digest.


  49.  #49Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:09 am

    and the perfect balance of omega 3, 6, and 9.


  50.  #50Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I feel SO happy for you Jilly. yay!!!


  51.  #51Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Lizka – It does seem like he needs some validation that you are interested. That is just my gut feeling, based on memories of dating from years ago.

    I wonder if you could do that by texting him shortly after he calls you. Like a FM that says it felt great to hear your voice. That gives him the validation, but does not require you to make the first move.

  52.  #52Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Thank you Dominique! Will add hemp seed to my grocery list πŸ™‚ Do I still need Flax Seed then too or is it the same kind of benefits?

  53.  #53Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Siren Angel…you will love the website πŸ™‚

    I don’t have any affiliation or anything like’s just the most informative site I’ve come across as far as nutritious yumminess is concerned πŸ™‚

  54.  #54Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 11:13 am


    Yes, thank you, I feel like leaning back too. He doesn’t have his kid on Mondays, so it’s probably something else. Ok, next time I am telling him how these minimal texts make me feel. errr

  55.  #55Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Dominique re: my post on 31 can you please help me?
    What do I say? I got a text from my long lost CD mr. Famous…RecycledCD.

    He said hello and hope all is well and I replied that my heart feels happy to hear from him, and he replied that he wants me to call him.

    I am blanking out on what to do next. I would appreciate any advice thank you!!!!

  56.  #56Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Dominique….thank you!!!! πŸ™‚ I feel so excited!!! πŸ™‚

    ok I have not tried hemp but it keeps “showing” up for me this little while (in some books I’ve recently read, and at the store, and now here)…I guess it’s time for me to check it out πŸ™‚

  57.  #57Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Thank you Jilly! Checking the site now! πŸ™‚

  58.  #58Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I have started using hemp seeds and hemp milk also thanks to Dominique and Starla.

  59.  #59Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

    I keep thinking about what one of you sirens said to me the other day (maybe it was Butterfly wings?) that everything is as it should be…and will work out.
    Wow I just keep hanging on to that and trusting myself that my gut was right….I followed some gut instincts regarding leaving my job and now I’m feeling scared and insecure about that choice. But I DO think it was the right thing to do…it’s just a hard transition and I’m so attached to the people and the job…it’s been my life for the past five years!!!!!

  60.  #60Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Emerson, when was the last time you saw RecycledCD? How/why did it end? Have you had a relationship with him and how long, how long ago?

  61.  #61Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

    FW or other sirens feel free to chime in…I’m open to suggestions

  62.  #62Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Is hemp milk more beneficial than almond milk? I have gotten used to Almond Milk and it tastes soooo good to me now!

  63.  #63Starla on March 12, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Hopeful, 51, I like to tell my guys it feels great to hear their voices right when they call:)

  64.  #64Goodheart on March 12, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Jilly, I have no idea what is stopping me. I have such a passion for it & I always get loving reactions from friends when I give them advice from the LOA perspective.

    I guess I don’t know where to start and, truthfully, I feel like I haven’t perfected it in my own life yet (not that is such a thing as perfection).

    Maybe I’m waiting on a sign from the Universe πŸ™‚

  65.  #65Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:28 am

    @ siren angel
    I last saw Recycled in October and I told him no contact because he is still going through a divorce and it was not something I could deal with at the time. His divorce has been going on for a while now and it was starting to get old. I felt he had nothing to offer me. He had said in the past that he doesn’t want to get married again but then I’ve heard guys say that before and it’s not true.

    I guess there are divorces that literally take years to complete when the parties are not cooperating and there is houses/etc involved. Well anyway we were dating off and on since 2008. That is the short version. I had really strong feelings for him and he’s one that I’ve felt very “piney” over and has been hard for me to get over him.

  66.  #66Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Emerson….trusting your gut is actually where safety and security really are πŸ™‚

  67.  #67Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Siren Angel – same but better benefits than flax plus you don’t have to grind right before using as with flax. flax starts to go rancid as soon as its ground, not so with hemp.


  68.  #68Jilly on March 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Goodheart…too cool! I feel happy that you get such a positive response from your friends πŸ™‚ I love that!

  69.  #69Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Emerson – “It would feel so much better receiving a call from you. I feel excited to hear your voice (if you do)” or “I feel surprised (and pleased) to hear from you after so long. It would feel better receiving a call from you.”


  70.  #70Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

    66 thanks Jilly that is true! I literally had this overwhelming gut feeling to quit my job in order to open new doors…and here I am with two new possible opportunities at my feet…neither of which are certain…but I’m praying they come through.

  71.  #71Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

    69 Dominique thank you…
    I do like what you said but I feel uncertain like I’m telling him what to do??
    I tend to be indirect due to my cultural upbringing….my first reaction was to just reply and say I feel open to talk to you and thnk he will get the hint to call me….
    but perhaps I need to be more direct and specific like you mentioned???

  72.  #72Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 11:44 am


    Who responded to me on the prior thread, I just read your comments.. Well the book was my idea. We talked about something the other day and I wanted him to read this book and then the day I was going to his place I realized that I actually own it. So took it with me. In my prior loving relationships I had this reading to each other activity, so it means something to me to feel natural with someone to do it. I would have asked to take turns if he wasn’t sick and I didn’t need to run.. in my mind it had nothing to do with ‘mothering’, nothing at all.

  73.  #73Hopeful on March 12, 2012 at 11:45 am

    63 – Starla – I agree with you on that one. Just giving a suggestion on how Lizka could contact her guy without leaning forward.

  74.  #74Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Siren Angel – I’m not crazy about any of the “milks” because of the processing they undergo, and some have added sugars. Not that I think sugar is the evil it’s often portrayed as being. Everything in moderation. But most people have gut issues with too much for them sugar, and I include all the sweet fruits in this category. All the berries are fine here as well as grapefruits.

    By gut issues I mean it’s not easily digested resulting in anything such as gas and bloating, and other digestive problems, yeast overgrowth, moodiness, difficulty in losing or even gaining weight.

    This is what I think the danger of smoothies can be.

    I prefer to use unsweetened kefir, dairy is fine though I prefer goat, or coconut milk though this one tends to have additives too.

    You can also make your own almond milk if you are feeling industrious. Soak 1 cup overnight. Drain and let sit in a colander for at least an hour. Blend 1/2 cup of soaked almonds and 3 cups water grind in a blender or food processor. Strain through a cheesecloth. Repeat with remaining almonds. You can sweeten with stevia if you like.


  75.  #75Starla on March 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

    I tell them, “actually i don’t feel comfortable calling a man…it feels like chasing a guy and it just feels gross…it would feel so much better to hear from you”

  76.  #76Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Emerson – You wouldn’t be directing him by saying this. Your sentence is good, but it sounds vague. He could interpret it as you will be calling soon which would be find if you’re not at all hoping to start something with him.


  77.  #77Lizka on March 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Thank you all. Yes I will follow my gut and might contact him sometimes as he indeed seems to need some validation of my interest. I will text him sometimes, but only if he keeps stepping up. Wil experiment this in the next weeks and see how it goes… πŸ™‚

  78.  #78Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 11:56 am

    @35: Siren Angel says:
    “…I want healthy skin, immunity booster, anti-aging, weight control (bee pollen for that now).
    I also want to try vegetables smoothies and am thinking of starting with spinach and some fruit mixed in with lemon…”

    I’m exploring a bit also. Much thanks to everyone.

    Here are some ideas from Dr. Oz; I haven’t tried these yet. Do you want to experiment with them?

    1)maca root powder
    (for better orgasms…add to favorite smoothie recipe)

    2)”fat blasting smoothie”:
    cup swiss chard
    cup green tea
    1/2 cup blueberries
    2 Brazil nuts
    flax seed (but only ground immediately before using)


  79.  #79Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Thanks Dominique…I really appreciate this. I used your first suggestion. πŸ™‚
    It’s all about doing something different and going out of my comfort zone! I really want to do that. I am so thankful for you and the siren advice to keep me on track.
    My old ways are history. I am not going to mother or overfunction or be in my boy energy with men.
    It’s a HARD habit to break because it means giving up control.
    I don’t quite know how to deal with my family right now. But that is a different story.

  80.  #80Starla on March 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

    i buy Tempt brand unsweetened hemp milk. the original formula is a little sweet. but both have added vitamins and minerals, which you may not like. no added sugar though:)

  81.  #81Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Emerson I like what Dominique suggested and I believe if you are honest with yourself you felt excited when you got the text even though maybe a little confused. I would use a mix of both yours and hers.

    I felt excited and surprised to get your text. I feel open to talking to you. What do you think?

  82.  #82Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Starla I noticed Hemp Bliss has less sodium and some difference in the fat so I switched to that brand.

  83.  #83Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I use it doesn’t feel romantic to me to be calling or initiating contact with a guy. I need to feel solid and secure in a relationship to feel comfortable initiating otherwise I feel like I am chasing.

  84.  #84Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    thanks FW.
    I used Dominiques first suggestion. We shall see what happens. In the meantime, I must work on feeling unattached to the outcome. He may never call. In which case, not a big loss, I’d cut him loose anyway.

    And yes FW I am not going to lie, I felt very excited to see his text. And shocked. I did reply warmly in my first reply that my heart felt warm and happy.

  85.  #85Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Well we shall see.

  86.  #86Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    83 I like that FW

  87.  #87Dominique on March 12, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    You are so welcome Emerson.


  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I have my own kind of integrated feminine power but I’m always open to inspiration from others.

    another audio file freebie from Katherine Woodward Thomas & Claire Zammit:

  89.  #89Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Sirens I made a new friend! I’m trying to be more open.

  90.  #90Starla on March 12, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    i am just reading the email I sent to CF over and over, feeling so good and strong and clear and happy about communicating clearly, and how I expressed myself and now the ball is in his court.

    i would text him to tell him i sent him an email, since we rarely email, but i don’t want to lean forward and there’s no urgency. he usually calls or texts every day in the morning but nothing today. so i just lean back when in doubt:)

  91.  #91Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Yay Starla πŸ™‚

  92.  #92Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Hi SLV!

    Sirens what are some feeling messages that are genuine about feeling insecure and unsettled? With my job and housing situation, I feel like I am just barely treading water, and I don’t want to stuff that down, but I also don’t want to come accross as a gold digger….and I always feel insecure about sounding needy.

  93.  #93Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Emerson why would you come across as a gold digger?

  94.  #94Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Starla I believe you are such an example of Rori’s tools in practice. I feel so happy that you share as much as you do. Taking into consideration that you have most, if not all of Rori’s programs I believe it is a pity that most of us don’t take our inspiration from you.

  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Scroll down through this amazing graphic for an overview on what gets shared daily on the Internet:


  96.  #96Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm


    Regarding your comment about SmartCD’s ex and their relationship – I don’t know what happened between them. I didn’t ask questions and analyze his answers. I feel that for now I want to know what’s happening between us. I like him as a person. So far I did not feel any ‘breach’ of my moral values in him.. and this is a big compliment. So I will leave it at that. Perhaps at some point I may want to know more. But for now it doesn’t feel right. I don’t really want to discuss this, so asking these questions would feel like fishing for his personal information.. I don’t like this idea. I want this to be about me and us. I asked on the first date if he stopped loving her and a few times if he ever wants to get back together with her, given they have a history and the child. I liked his answers. I don’t know what the future may bring, but this is where I stand now.

  97.  #97Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    93 FW it is my NVs talking…
    I need some help with housing in the near future and I feel insecure about expressing this to men because I have been so self sufficient all these years.

    It would be nice if they could help me but I feel weird about it like I don’t deserve it??

    Or how do I bring it up?

    I feel it’s a lot to ask. But it is what I need right now.

  98.  #98Starla on March 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Aw, FW, that means a lot to me, thank you πŸ™‚

  99.  #99Mochaberri on March 12, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Siren Angel from previous post –

    Thank you for the information regarding CC.

    As far as me using feeling messages to communicate our exclusivitiy regarding sex yes I have done so and we both agreed to be sexually exclusive even though we broke up. As I stated it could be my NV that is making me think the story that we’re not and that I shouldn’t trust him hence my feelings of acting out being triggered. We also discussed that if either one of us wants to have sex with someone else then we tell the other person that’s what we want to do.

  100.  #100Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    @92: Emerson says:
    “Hi SLV!
    Sirens what are some feeling messages that are genuine about feeling insecure and unsettled? …”

    Hi Emerson!

    Genuine and authentic expression of feelings and thoughts will come from deep within us. We know better than anyone else what lies there.

    It isn’t necessary to stuff emotions and ideas but also not necessary to express everything all at once to every man we meet. So be aware if there is a “sense of urgency” , “expectation” or “thoughts of desired results…”

    What about your job and housing is causing an unsettling sense of insecurity? Maybe think through those things and make plans as part of taking care of yourself.

    Did you ever use the 40-year plan link I put up for you… ? It was months ago when the “purpose on the planet” article was posted. The link was to a free self-coaching tool…

    I probably need to revisit it myself! Thank you very much; I will. I love how these things come up in synchronicity…

    Here it is again. A pdf to print out. And still my favorite price… FREE! Yummy.

    Your Forty-Year Visionβ„’
    . . . It’s (Almost) Never Too Late
    How to Create Your Future Five Years at a Time
    by David Madison, Ph.D.


  101.  #101Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    This quote popped up recently… I’m pondering it.

    I think it suits me.

    “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.”
    ~ Frederick Engels

  102.  #102Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    The short… (er, uh… “shorter” LOL ) version.

    A pdf to print out. And still my favorite price… FREE! Yummy.

    Your Forty-Year Visionβ„’
    . . . It’s (Almost) Never Too Late
    How to Create Your Future Five Years at a Time
    by David Madison, Ph.D.

  103.  #103Anna on March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Dear all,

    I have listened to Rori and Christian’s tools, read many of these posts and hope to pick myself and move forward in a good direction. While I was in a unsatisfying marriage, I began to circular date with easy flirtatious. Two of these became friends. One was happily married but tried to press upon me he liked kissing and cuddling with his friends. I was uncomfortable with this and after he showed up in my doctors reception area waiting for me, I ended it. The other was a known difficult man. Other’s came to care for him or to hate him. I grew up in a home where I was whipped with a belt on my bare bottom and where I was always taught that what I wanted wasn

  104.  #104Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Thanks SLV I can’t wait to check it out!

  105.  #105Daria on March 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    I think my cd isn’t coming so now what.

    Also I am having a hard time deciding whether to answer texts. I let all my CDs know I don’t text when I give them my number.. But I notice I still check texts and sometimes answer friends or even CDs.

    I dono wat to do. I don’t feel like talking w anyone unless they wana meet or make a plan to do so…

    But I feel worried I’m not appreciating. I’m losing a lots CDs maybe by not catching their calls and not returning texts…

    I feel scared! Is that even true? No. It’s not cuz it feels bad.

  106.  #106Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Emerson I most definitely would not consider asking a stranger for such help. Your safety would be at stake there. On the other hand, a man who you have known for a while, whose family knows you and in case of problems would be easy to make connections then maybe yes.

    I have to ask though, what about your family? Even though there might be problems there I believe that is your safest bet as far as housing is concerned.

  107.  #107Daria on March 12, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Ohh I feel like I just got slapped and told I’m wrong !

  108.  #108Daria on March 12, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I’m not enough to care for my own well ring, others are the authority on what’s safe and appropriate for me.

    I feel angry


  109.  #109Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Hi Anna.

  110.  #110Daria on March 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    This cd is not been in contact and I’m assuming he’s not showing up. This I feel all anxious around and I want to lean forward and make myself a plan b by asking another cd to take me out. I also Don’t want to do that in case the next cd says no but also cuz it feels kinda draining.

    I’m getting triggered into oh no I do t have anything to do! I’m Wasting a day!

    I’m so stuck and powerless.

  111.  #111Anna on March 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Oops. Must have hit the submit button by mistake…

    To continue, I was taught that what I wanted wasn’t important but that what my husband wanted was all important. It set me up for a marriage where I was lied to with half truths/half lies, where I was made to feel I was seeing what wasn’t really there. I was hit several times and was made to feel that as long as he was enjoying himself, sexually or otherwise, it didn’t matter who else was inconvenienced or even hurt. I had three children by this man and after my mother’s death, realized I didn’t want this for myself or the fighting for my children. I finally let him know I wanted a divorce but felt so much guilt that I couldn’t love him as he needed to be loved. I began flirty circular dating even way back then, mostly to see how others acted and to learn what it was I wanted in a relationship. I began to fall in love with a very stable, man who listened to me about my mom and my marriage. Yet, out of guilt, and pressuring from my husband, I tried many more times to make my marriage work. During one of the separations, I became pregnant with the man I felt in love with. Even though, he knew it was against all my principles and conscious, he said he was afraid i would never leave my husband and he feared our child would be mistreated and wanted me to have an abortion, offered to pay for it and didn’t even offer to drive me or pick me up from hospital. I asked someone from work and she first said yes, then no and told everyone at work. My father told all his relatives and turned his back on me. I ended up turning to my husband who tried to talk me out of it but came to the hospital to take care of me. My friend called me five minutes before the procedure to tell me he decided I shouldn’t do it after all. By that time with tubes and mess in me. I went ahead with it. It was his second aborted child. His first was with his first girlfriend. Anyway, for now I will say that my marriage went through so much degradation and this friend waited for me. We ended up together and he wanted to marry me, we became engaged, but I began to see problems and felt he was weak, and during the ensuing years, other than when I had cancer, he never stepped up. After my cancer, I wanted a stable home for my children if I died, and married. After the children moved out and went off to have lives of their own, I realized I felt empty and lonely with a man who I didn’t,t feel intimate with outside of the bedroom. The bedroom was the one place he gave and I responded. Other than this, I felt he was always just “there” but not ever really engaged in the partnership. I was so unhappy. During my children being at home, I always buffered them from him but wasn’t always considerate of my husband. I always put the children first. He resented my children and I heard daily how unhappy he was with them. They never knew this and care greatly for him. I again felt so guilty that I couldn’t love him as he needed. I will tell more in a future writing of how I became emotionally involved during circular dating, how my husband has tried to step up after hurting me terribly and breaking my trust of safety in the bedroom, and how I separated to follow my heart, and how confused I am about the imaginary relationship I just ended yesterday.

    Love to all for now,

  112.  #112Anna on March 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Oops. Must have hit the submit button by mistake…

    To continue, I was taught that what I wanted wasn’t important but that what my husband wanted was all important. It set me up for a marriage where I was lied to with half truths/half lies, where I was made to feel I was seeing what wasn’t really there. I was hit several times and was made to feel that as long as he was enjoying himself, sexually or otherwise, it didn’t matter who else was inconvenienced or even hurt. I had three children by this man and after my mother’s death, realized I didn’t want this for myself or the fighting for my children. I finally let him know I wanted a divorce but felt so much guilt that I couldn’t love him as he needed to be loved. I began flirty circular dating even way back then, mostly to see how others acted and to learn what it was I wanted in a relationship. I began to fall in love with a very stable, man who listened to me about my mom and my marriage. Yet, out of guilt, and pressuring from my husband, I tried many more times to make my marriage work. During one of the separations, I became pregnant with the man I felt in love with. Even though, he knew it was against all my principles and conscious, he said he was afraid i would never leave my husband and he feared our child would be mistreated and wanted me to have an abortion, offered to pay for it and didn’t even offer to drive me or pick me up from hospital. I asked someone from work and she first said yes, then no and told everyone at work. My father told all his relatives and turned his back on me. I ended up turning to my husband who tried to talk me out of it but came to the hospital to take care of me. My friend called me five minutes before the procedure to tell me he decided I shouldn’t do it after all. By that time with tubes and mess in me. I went ahead with it. It was his second aborted child. His first was with his first girlfriend. Anyway, for now I will say that my marriage went through so much degradation and this friend waited for me. We ended up together and he wanted to marry me, we became engaged, but I began to see problems and felt he was weak, and during the ensuing years, other than when I had cancer, he never stepped up. After my cancer, I wanted a stable home for my children if I died, and married. After the children moved out and went off to have lives of their own, I realized I felt empty and lonely with a man who I didn’t,t feel intimate with outside of the bedroom. The bedroom was the one place he gave and I responded. Other than this, I felt he was always just “there” but not ever really engaged in the partnership. I was so unhappy. During my children being at home, I always buffered them from him but wasn’t always considerate of my husband. I always put the children first. He resented my children and I heard daily how unhappy he was with them. They never knew this and care greatly for him. I again felt so guilty that I couldn’t love him as he needed. I will tell more in a future writing of how I became emotionally involved during circular dating, how my husband has tried to step up after hurting me terribly and breaking my trust of safety in the bedroom, and how I separated to follow my heart, and how confused I am about the imaginary relationship I just ended yesterday.

    Love to all for now,

  113.  #113Daria on March 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Now what can I do that’s different. I can create a ritual around Me. My ritual of what a goddess I am and recuperating from my cold

    But my mom is here and I feel anxiouszxx. Worried that shell come to this room w drama today feeling the tightness in base of my spine and now my tummy.

    I love my anxiety. Creating another ritual around Me here.
    I am a goddess of healing and peace.

  114.  #114Starla on March 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm


  115.  #115Anna on March 12, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Hi femininewoman! Sorry, trigger finger at it again πŸ™‚

  116.  #116Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Hugs Anna.

  117.  #117Mel on March 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Yay Starla! I love when I send out an email and I can tell that I’m doing the right thing because I feel this huge sense of relief. That’s actually how I know if I’m just “leaning forward” or being a rockstar. I don’t hit send unless I feel like a rockstar.

    YOU are a ROCKSTAR!!

  118.  #118Anna on March 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Awe, thank you. I give great e-hugs. I appreciate your hug. I really need one.

  119.  #119Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    FW thanks for the reply…yes I would not ask a stranger for such help but in the past I’ve hesitated to ask ANYONE for such help….it’s something I’m learning to let go.

    Yes I have family but they live far from me and far from where I can find work, etc. and I’m really in a pinch. I have such limited resources right now and I have also a lot of PRIDE.

  120.  #120Starla on March 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Mel, I am careful to keep important communications in-person, but I think I am going to start communicating certain things by email. I noticed he actual prefers to write out his own feelings, but I’ve steered us away from that since my past relationships were very very text-based and it felt terrible.

    it’s nice in person, though, because when i was struggling to communicate, he just kept hugging me and holding my hand and being sweet and encouraging.

    You have inspired me to try things differently, Mel:) Like, I noticed you don’t often send emails…just when it feels necessary and like the right thing to do. It’d be so different if you were emailing him every other day with “actually i feel bad again…”

  121.  #121Mel on March 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Γ  la Starla…. this weekend I actually SAID how I was feeling instead of writing it. Yay me!!

    The house was a crazy place, everyone was grumpy (except me), everyone was arguing, Mr. A’s son was being a turd, his daughter was being very moody and demanding, Mr. A was getting very frustrated. he felt very distant and far away (understandably). I hid downstairs for a bit and then I went upstairs and said I was going home, I felt uncomfortable. I have a hard time being in the midst of conflict, it makes me feel uneasy and stressed. I felt like I needed to go running… not away, but to destress. said “I’m feeling a little unwelcome.” He asked if I would please come back later. I agreed.

    He had a lovely meal prepared for me and talked to me about how he was feeling anxious about me seeing him angry and frustrated. I told him how I definitely don’t judge him…in fact I respect him very much, but that I’m really sensitive and conflict makes me feel really bad. I asked if he wouldn’t mind in future if I just went away for a bit and not to take offense. I said that exercise makes me feel so much better and I just felt like I needed to take care of my feelings.

    He told me that he’s so happy that we can talk about stuff and figure things out and he completely understands.

    I feel really good about taking care of my little girl who did not want to be in the middle of a war-zone. πŸ™‚

  122.  #122Starla on March 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Mel, seems we are borrowing and learning from each other. Thank you:):)

  123.  #123Emerson on March 12, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Anna wow that is quite an experience, I’m sorry about your Mother and Father and all of it….you seem very sweet and my heart goes out to you.

  124.  #124Lizka on March 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I am so happy to be home finally!

    My god I am feeling sooo exhausted and that makes me feel lazy and mad also. I want to see my bed really badely! I’m gonna take care of me tonight. Dinner and go to bed like crazy early! I don’t care being in bed at 7. I need a siren rest!

  125.  #125Starla on March 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    gosh, i almost feel spoiled… cf contacts me every single day, and usually by now, but nothing all day.

    it feels great to be spoiled:P

  126.  #126Starla on March 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    aww, i feel all lit up, CF sent me a nice text saying he hopes it’s been a wicked awesome monday, and that i deserve it because i’m sweet n special n awesome.

    lol thanks cf.

    i wonder if he knows other guys text me equally nice things.

    cf is the most qualified long term to really mean what he says, though:)

  127.  #127Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    @67: Silver Moonbeam says:
    “…Anybody heard from SLV lately?”
    Sunday, 11 March 2012 @ 1:35am

    [raising hand] “… present and still in the game of life…” πŸ˜€

    I’ve been busy elsewhere but also looking back over my last year (of ME) and I’m now in the last week before starting another one. I’m not sure what my vows will be this year.

    I’d planned to somehow make the two sparkly pairs of 2012 “New Year’s Eve glasses” a part of this month’s ceremony. But… (gulp) it seems I’ve lost “Sweetie’s blue pair” although I still have my own hot pink sparkly glasses.

    I think he would say… “Interesting you didn’t lose yours. Like the woman with two brownies on the dessert plate and one of them falls off and she says… ‘oh, Sweetie… YOURS fell’…” LOL

    SMB… you weren’t around this time last year but I did a renewal of vows ceremony (for me) on my wedding anniversary. “Sweetie” and I have “been together” since then as part of my soulmate manifestation.


  128.  #128Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    @70: LiliBee says:
    “I miss SLV and Laughing Goddess …”


  129.  #129Goodheart on March 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    “Oh sweetie, yours fell” LOL SLV – I do that to my bf all the time! “Uh oh honey, someone took a bite out of yours.”

    He thinks it’s adorable πŸ™‚

  130.  #130Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Siren angel and FW, from the previous thread….

    Yes, I have said I’m very sorry for what happened. That I feel awful, wish it had never happened and regret my part. I apologize a lot. I didn’t in the beginning, but for the past few years we’ve both gotten pretty good at it.

    The mantra though, I’m supposed to say that out loud to him? I haven’t done that. I feel like i’d be putting it all out there… I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell him I love him, since he’s not saying he even wants to try and work things out.

    What do you think?

    FW, about the sex, I may not have expressed that clearly. I’m not doing anything acrobatic or crazy. I don’t strip for him or over fuction, not much anyway. He really likes oral, and thinks I’m amazing at it. It’s part of our foreplay, and he’s a very giving lover… so I like to make him happy, and it’s always been a part of our sex life, I don’t know how he’d react if I stopped. I could try it I guess, experiment and see what happens. I think he’d ask for it though, because he really likes it. I guess I meant impress that I feel good and confident about myself and my technique.

  131.  #131Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm


    You think of him and do the mantra. Not in his presence.

    As for the sex part, CC says it is NOT a trading tool. I would not change anything if you are exclusive and if he makes sure you are always pleased and satisfied too and foremost.


  132.  #132Starbright on March 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    My understanding about the mantra is that it is to be done alone or silently and that it ought to change things energetically.

  133.  #133Senior Lady Vibe on March 12, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    @129: Goodheart says:
    β€œ… I do that to my bf all the time! β€œUh oh honey, someone took a bite out of yours.”
    He thinks it’s adorable …”

    I hope my Sweetie thinks it’s adorable too… I think he will…


  134.  #134Starla on March 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I feel lost, ladies. What mantra are you talking about?

  135.  #135Francesca on March 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Perhaps this one?

    I love you
    I’m sorry
    Please forgive me
    Thank you

  136.  #136Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Ok, I’ll try it. I can’t get over how much has changed and happened in my life, for the better, since I came here. I really believe all this positive energy and thoughts, really really works.

  137.  #137Ella on March 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    “We can’t change him.
    We can only choose to be there with him or not.
    We can only accept everything unconditionally, and speak our feelings.
    Or, we can step away.

    Thx for this important reminder!”


  138.  #138Sassy on March 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Uh ohhhhh, looks like there is another “Sassy” on the blog.
    Mine does not have a “pic”.

    Much love

  139.  #139Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Well, he must really want to lend me this money. I just checked my email and he sent me a repayment schedule (with no interest) at 11:00 this morning. He told me last night that he’s really swamped at work, and would be busy with bowling tonight. Feels nice to know it was on his mind and he made time for it this morning.

    I’m on hold right now with the credit card company, to find out my payoff amount and the simplest way to get it paid off.

  140.  #140Ella on March 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Feeing Scardy scared to post…

    And I could do with the support.

    And sharing.

    So I discovered MWC drink/had just drunk 1/2 a bottle of red wine at 11am yesterday.

    Won’t go into details, you can make your own opinions.

    Needless to say did not feel good. Felt very triggery.

    Me expressed… as best I could… he was quite defensive. Tried to rationalise it… etc…

    Me, stuck to my feelings, stuck to my guns…

    I left, however I did need to leave quicker (ala Toxic Men programme).

    It was kinda a messy version of the protocol (for dealing with toxic men/scenarios) but I did leave. I stayed in Siren although not perfect.

    Had an awful day yesterday of feeling upset and all oxytoxcined in after intimate 24 hours with him.

    We communicated. I leaned back as much as I could. I said how bad, weird, scary morning drinking feels to me.

    He kept asking me what he should do about it (but I could feel anger behind it) and I said I did not know the solution and kept repeating how I felt.


    Then much later he comes back to me and says he can see it is not normal. He does have an issue and he doesn’t know how to stop.

    I asked whether he was asking for my advice.

    He said yes and help…

    We spoke a bit.

    He said he wants to stop drinking so much. For him.
    He said he knows he makes excuses and rationalises it.

    I said it is his decision and I will not tell him what to do.

    He said he wants to be with me.

    I had already said I don’t want a man who things morning drinking is ok/normal.

    He has decided to stop / moderate his drinking.

    And see how it goes.

    I said ok.

    When he has overcome similar issues in the past he has done so on his own and this is what he wants to try first.

    I feel a little scared of becoming laser focused on him and his issues.

    I want to pull back quite a bit and CD again.

    I have been feeling a bit of urgency lately.

    I want to ease up the urgency and fade stuff down to grey a bit.

    I feel proud of how I am dealing with things so far.

    I feel afraid (often a feeling for me it seems).

    I feel triggered by the thought of CD-ing now although no exclusivity has been discussed… it just kind of feels that way… and he is AWLAYS in contact with me and trying to make me happy.

    I feel confused about whether I have to tell him I am going to CD or just go ahead and do it.

    I feel unclear about what is being honest…

    Anyway I intend to take very good care of myself.

    I have agreed to see him on Wednesday… however I have said I may change my mind if I feel uncomfortable.

    He wants to see me however he says he understands and wants me to feel comfortable and I must take my time…

    He says he wants to sort out himself… so that he can be healthy for him… and for us.

    Today he hasn’t been drinking.

    Separately today I have noticed me feel tense and anxious… and obssesive, and I have noticed how I must pull back and focus on me and take care of me.

    And I want to CD.

  141.  #141Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Since my text did not get answered today, next time if he contacts me I will say that it feels weird to have my text answered XX days after. Can I also say that it doesn’t feel respectful?

    What do you sirens think?

  142.  #142April Rose on March 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm


    I remember you saying you felt excited/scared about dating men who don’t drink.
    Do you still want to? Would be great for you, I think…

  143.  #143Ella on March 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    April Rose,

    I am very open to that.

  144.  #144Butterfly wings on March 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Feeling down today. I think it’s my iron levels and suspect that something “funny” has happened in my uterus.

    This may be TMI but this month my breasts were really tender for over a week. The last time they were like that was when I was pregnant. Now this 9 days of bleeding reminds me of when I lost my first baby. I’m on birth control so I wonder if something took hold but then my body rejected it?

    Not sure but it feels like I may have miscarried. And thankfully long before it was anything more than a little blob.

    I feel yuk regardless….

  145.  #145Starla on March 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Hi Memulo! what did your text say?

    Also, sometimes i forget to answer texts entirely and it’s nothing personal.

  146.  #146April Rose on March 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Hello ladies of the World and of the Blog,

    Just popping by tonight.

    My latest update is that I am discovering that the man who lives with me is a Good Man. He is connecting with me again. We have fun together. I can feel his love.

    The other man I was dating fascinates me. He has the whole range, from soft and cuddly to dangerous and dark. He does it with a sense of humour but it sure is convincing!! We have a continuing friendship, with a secret sort of underground intrigue. Do I have to give this up if I enter into official commitment with my Good Man?

  147.  #147Starla on March 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm


  148.  #148Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Aw Butterfly Wings, I’m sorry you are going through that. My sister in law miscarried years and years ago, and her dr. told her that so many women miscarry early on and don’t even know it. I hope you’ll be feeling better soon. And that wasn’t too much information.

  149.  #149Starla on March 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    (((((((((((((Butterfly Wings)))))))))))))))

    I know the feeling=/. Super yuk + not knowing for sure what is happening with your body. Big hugs to you.

  150.  #150Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Ok, so here is my feeling message thank you to my ex about the loan. I hope it’s ok because I already sent it:

    This was all in text. I gave him the info. he’d need for the credit card company, and then wrote….

    I don’t really have the words to adequately express my gratitude and thank you just isn’t enough. I feel really cared for and taken care of right now. THis has been quite a year. Thank you for everything.

    Then I said,

    I would feel better if this stayed between us, as it feels very uncomfortable with your family having so much info. about my life. It’s embarrassing. If you feel the need to tell them, I will try to understand.

    His response: I won’t say anything to anyone.

    I said thank you.

    I know he’s bowling, he’ll probably call me after. I still feel really humbled. I tried to focus and say the mantra in silence over and over, but my vibe is so raw right now…. I don’t know what to expect. When I get the girls to bed I’m going to soak in the tub and try to relax and feel my feelings. May be a good time for the mantra then. I have told him I have a lot of feelings for him, that I’m sorry and I thank him often. I believe I even asked for forgiveness years ago… but I don’t remember exactly.

  151.  #151Francesca on March 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Ella, I hope it all works out.

  152.  #152Francesca on March 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Aww, Butterfly Wings, I’m so sorry to hear that.

    Take care of yourself and please feel better soon.

    Big hugs.

  153.  #153Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm


    He asked how my family visit was going and I replied that it feels very warm, asked how he was feeling and said that tonight they are doing their own thing.

    I suppose even if he couldn’t see me tonight and/or didn’t get the hint (though he is very smart) he could at least tell me how he is feeling.

  154.  #154Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    ((((Butterfly Wings))))

  155.  #155FlowerChild77 on March 12, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    ((((Ella)))) I know how let down you must feel and how anxious.

    Your Siren intuition and strength will help you decide what to do moment by moment and day by day. <3

  156.  #156Starla on March 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Turquoise, here is an audio about the mantra you can casually listen to if you like to keep you feeling inspired until you finally have some quiet time. And at 6:00, she actually guides you through the mantra as a meditation.

  157.  #157Ella on March 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Thank you Sirens.

    I don’t really know how I feel at the moment.

  158.  #158Starla on March 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Memulo, i’m sure you’ll be shocked that i say this, buuuuuut, lean back. he’s just not answering you…he’s not doing anything wrong by not answering your text about how he’s feeling. And the hinting business is just out of control;). I encourage you to consider how you would feel if you were dating many other men and he didn’t “catch your hint.” probably NOT disrespected, just bored. suggesting he has disrespected you by not catching a vague text hint is guaranteed to push a man away. i know you want to see him and you miss him, but, you know, CDing, etc.

  159.  #159Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    He just replied with a yw for you’re welcome. That may be it for tonight then. We’ll see.

    FW, you said that I should try to have conversations in person rather than over the phone. Unfortunately we didn’t have a lot of alone time this weekend, but yes, I’d prefer to have serious conversations in person. I can say though, it went much better than when things like this have come up in the past. We both stayed calm, we really listened to each other, no one yelled or got upset. It was good to see that progress. He won’t be here for almost a month, so anything important that comes up now, will have to be done over the phone. We both do have facetime on our phones, guess we could try that.

    But, really, now I’m wondering what I even need to say. I don’t believe my words will be enough for him to reconsider things. IT will be my actions.

  160.  #160Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm


    I am not sure how to express it right, but it doesn’t feel ok. If saying that I feel disrespected is too much, perhaps I can at least say it feels weird? Because it does. I just don’t want to let it slip.

  161.  #161Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Yes, I am leaning back. not going to say anything till I hear from him again. But if I do, I’d like to say something, I don’t like this.

  162.  #162Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm


    I don’t know if it would make sense to you, but every time I read your comments I feel that you guys are resolving it. Maybe it is not resolved yet and I am not sure how much further you both need to go, but it’s like without even realizing it you both are working on the situation and it is getting better. It’s a good thing he will be away for a month, will give him a chance to miss you for real.

  163.  #163Starla on March 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Memulo, hmm, just try writing out here what you would want to say to him about it before you say it, and we can all offer tweaks until you feel good and solid. Also, you might find it very helpful to riff through your feelings here, all your emotions and whatever physical counterparts they have.

  164.  #164Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    I did not just ask how he was feeling.. I included a little tease, something personal.. Not getting an answer to that doesn’t feel good.

    I guess I feel angry because I think he just had other plans and didn’t want to deal with explaining this to me. The hiding makes me feel weird.

  165.  #165Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm


    Thank you, I feel that I let it slip several times already – his text style, not the lack of response really and I don’t want to not say anything again.

    I don’t know, the only thing that comes to my mind is to say that it feels weird to have a response a day/two later. If you think that ‘disrespectful’ is too strong and blamey

  166.  #166Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm


    I believe this is a great start. Make him feel appreciated, I mean you always tell US that you appreciate what he does for you and the girls. Now it’s time for you to let HIM FEEL it.

  167.  #167Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm


    I am so sorry you have to go through all this pain with his drinking. I hope you take care of YOU and do not forget about YOU in these moments.

    I am impressed with how you handled the conversation with him about him drinking the wine in the morning. Obviously he wants to stop and wants to make you happy. I just hope you can make out what you can deal with and how much you can handle all of it and for how long.

    Does he have a real plan to stop drinking?

  168.  #168Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Siren Angel, I say it all the time, I gave him a couple cards when he first came back and saw the house, I texted him after the holidays to say how special it was and how it was a gift not just for me and the girls, but for my entire family. I bragged about how much help he’s been to his family, some in front of him and some when he wasn’t around.

    He’s the kind of guy who likes attention though. I know there is definitely a fine line between being friendly and appreciative and leaning forward, but he makes a lot of comments about the phone working both ways, last night he said I hadn’t done anything nice for him, which he then apologized for and said wasn’t true…. but maybe his love language is gifts, and he’s not feeling it, even though I’m saying it. I

    Thank you Memulo… I do feel we are resolving some things, and actually last night was the first time we’d really talked like that, for such a length of time and like I said, we handled it so much better than usual. So I know that is a good thing.

    I feel FW is right, I have to melt his heart if he’s going to let go of past hurts.

    Thank you Starla for sharing the link for the mantra. I didn’t know about the gold cord before. That helped a lot and I’m going to do it again when I get my bath.

  169.  #169Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Rori, I love this:

    Go in a different direction. Discover what it feels like to be where you are – and then discover what you’d like it to feel like. Then talk about that – and instead of asking for change, say how it feels the way it is and the way you’d like it to feel. Be specific.

  170.  #170Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm


    It does sound like you are doing so much better.

    I understand you tell him thank you and all that, but to be specific, do you use FMs when giving thanks? do you say ‘it makes me feel, I feel, it felt…’ ?

    This is the love language men hear.

  171.  #171Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm


    Sorry for asking for an advice on such a small thing i.e. not answered text, but do you think that saying it makes me feel weird is specific enough?

  172.  #172Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Turquoise, I am simply concerned that you ‘give cards, say thanks for the girls and family on their behalf’ but are not entirely opening YOUR HEART AND FEELINGS. Possibly because of past hurts.

    Also, in your email, I just want to point out you wrote ‘I will try to understand’. I feel resistance there, maybe some fear of writing ‘I will understand’… Do you see the difference?

    I apologize, but for me it is very clear right now. We have to have the courage to break down that wall of resistance. It is not about leaning forward but about opening up.

  173.  #173Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm


    I think he feels your energy. You are in expectation mode.

    I understand what you are going through and it is a necessary learning process.

    You are learning and doing well.

    I would urge you to really focus on YOU.

    Your hints are expectations (strategizing). I sense this as a dangerous zone you are toying with.

    It seems to me you are on a roller-coaster with this guy. He leans forwards, but as soon as he goes back in his cave you start strategizing. I believe this is when he does not answer.

    Can you try to lean back without anger or resentment, and simply be surprised?

  174.  #174Luzydel on March 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    I tend to have this problem; My own fear of intimacy keeps me in a relationship limbo where I don’t know where to go. Probably because I feel afraid, or I don’t know if someone out there will give me what I want.
    But I am learning to listen to myself!

    I have a date set up for Wednesday and started to talk to another guy, The more I concentrate in me the more people want to know me; it is like I become an enigma when I am dating myself!

  175.  #175Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm


    I didn’t know how to tell him that I am free tonight, but it turned out he contacted me first, so I just said that my family doesn’t need me. I would EXPECT (yes!) for him to say – oh we could get together tonight except I have plans and thanks I am feeling better. That is all. No answer doesn’t feel good.

    We normally reply to each other, why to contact me at 9:30 am and then stop answering my questions?

  176.  #176Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    One thing I don’t get is that I didn’t like his silence, it didn’t make me feel good, and he probably knows this, so why would I act next time like nothing happened? And it was ok for him to ignore?

  177.  #177Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm


    There could be a number of reasons (kid problems, work, ect) rhat could be very legitimate and have nothing to do with you, but I suspect one of the reasons may be he felt you were hinting at getting together. You let him know you were available. That’s his job to ask if you are. Did he ask specifically if you were available tonight? Or maybe he even wondered if you were willing to make plans with him while your family is (visiting?) ?

  178.  #178Starla on March 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Memulo, i know i already said this but riffing through your feelings is really important. you seem to be in “head” mode all the time. super boy energy. i want to encourage you to settle more into your feelings and your feminine energy when you feel triggered.

    And I think that’s what’s happening here…you feel triggered when he retreats, and you’re not FEELING your way through the triggers, so it keeps coming up and coming up for you to process and heal. This is the true nature of triggers. To come up again and again until you heal them. As long as you are responding to your triggers by trying to make them go away with strategy or “fix it” messages, the trigger is going to keep coming up again and again.

    We never riff here anymore…I feel sad=/. I don’t riff either. We don’t script a whole lot anymore, either. At least not exactly rori style. I miss it mucho.

  179.  #179Brenda on March 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Thanks you all for supporting me in my CDing! I just got back from a 3 hour date talking criminal justice with a retired cop who has a master’s in criminal justice and teaches it at a university! It felt interesting to hear his perspective, and I freely told him about my experience writing to men in prison.

    I don’t know if he will call me again. He ended the date with a brief hug and didn’t say much about how he felt about me. I won’t feel bad if he doesn’t call again, and it would be fun if he did.

    He was originally going to take me for a drink at a very fancy restaurant. But the restaurant was closed on a Monday, so we sat on a park bench across the street, overlooking a marina. I didn’t mind that, since it was such a beautiful day, but I wonder if he really DID know it was closed in advance. No matter, it was fine.

    I felt turned off when he pulled out tobacco and stuck some in his mouth, spending the remainder of the date spitting. Yuck.

  180.  #180Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm


    I just want to say ‘yeah’ to you.

    Seems you are doing so well πŸ™‚

    What a true Siren!

  181.  #181Starla on March 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    why don’t you like his silence memulo? why do you feel disrespected? what is going on for you in that soup of feelings?

    go into the soup of feelings. get off the hamster wheel that powers the rollercoaster.

    also, sorry if i sound bossy, i am just trying to be clear!! I have a bad habit of being confusing when i’m not direct, but when I’m direct, I sound bossy, lol.

  182.  #182Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm


    Yuck! But I would encourage you to give him a 2nd and 3rd date if he asks. You never know.

  183.  #183Brenda on March 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm


    Good to see you back! I love your fiesty, fun spirit!

  184.  #184Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm


    He did not ask me out tonight specifically and I decided to let him know because I felt safe to do it. When we saw each other on Sat he did mention about seeing me while my family is here, etc. He was very loving and trusting and I felt very close to him that night. In any case, what’s wrong about telling me he is busy?


    I am trying to understand what you are saying and I don’t ;( I am focusing on my feelings in this triggering situation and I want to tell him that it feels weird. Is it different from what you are saying?

  185.  #185Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm


    I really sense that you and your ex are still together in so many ways.

    Even though my ex still had feelings for me, there is no way he would have done everything your ex does for you. This says a lot.

  186.  #186Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    No Siren Angel, I have truly expressed my gratitude many times in detailed feeling messages. Many many times. My saying about the girls has been in addition to that gratitude I’ve expressed for myself.

    I’ve given deep, feeling messages, I’ve given big hugs and kisses on the cheek for fixing things and helping here so much. When we were first looking at the house and he was deployed, I wrote long emails sharing how wonderful it all felt, how unbelievable and giving and what a true gift it was and how much it all meant to me.

    I think I’ve expressed it well, many times. I don’t feel that is the problem here now. The problem now, as he’s clearly told me on two occassions is that he can’t let go of the past, and he doesn’t imagine that he’ll be able to just say it’s all ok. That is what I’m facing now.

  187.  #187Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm


    Have you ever adressed the texting, ect, with him at all in FMs and in person?

  188.  #188Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Siren Angel… I agree, it’s the wall of resistance. Which, when we have sex and are intimate, isn’t there… but most of the rest of the time, I feel it. Not always, but it’s there. It reminds me of when we first dated. He was divorced at 20 after a 3 month marriage to a girl who cheated on him. I was his next serious relationship, about 6 months later…. and he had such a wall. I can’t pinpoint when it came down, trying to remember back, but it took a very long time.

    And Starla, no, I never cheated. As far as I know, he didn’t either.

  189.  #189Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm


    Again, I do believe you are making progress here, for you, and with him as well.

    I would encourage you to continue with the FMs like you have been doing.

    Again, his actions speak loudly. A man, even with kids involved, does not do everything your ex does unless he is interested.

  190.  #190Starla on March 12, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    sirens, i am enjoying the night at home by myself:) i switched my schedule up to feel a bit easier, so that i now do a monday evening obligation on thursdays instead. I noticed i feel better at home relaxing at the beginning of the week, and by the end of the week, i have more momentum to do more things in a day.

    also, CF has retreated to his cave and i feel SO GOOD. I’m feeling like “oh you sweet man, of course you retreated. i gave you a lot to think about, i’m sure!” It also feels cute that even though he seems to have retreated, he still sent me a really sweet text today. Ohhh CF, thank you, and also it’s okay if you don’t call me just one night. LOL

    What a shift. I just wanted to share the sireny feeling I have right now. I feel like I really spoke my truth, not a half-truth that was being informed by fear or manipulation or control, so no matter what happens or how he ultimately responds, I have me, and my truth, and I love that. I don’t want him to go anywhere (and actually, it’d feel really nice to be engaged and all that to him in the next year or so), but I am feeling sooo there for myself and like I’m definitely not going to abandon myself, so I really have nothing to “fear.”

    yum, i feel in love with me. I’m going to give myself a foot rub with grapefruit lotion:)

  191.  #191Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Siren Angel,

    I want to believe that is true, but he made a point to tell me yesterday that he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea about the loan, but that it was the right thing to do. He did say something that was very sweet though, this was towards the end of the conversation, but he said something like, you don’t have anyone looking out for you or taking care of you. You should have that. I don’t remember the words exactly, but that was the idea.

  192.  #192Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    I don’t like his silence and it feels weird because I feel that my time is not respected. For the first few hours I didn’t make any other plans since I was ‘waiting’, then I stopped waiting and started wondering why it was so hard to at least tell me that he is not available.

  193.  #193Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Turquoise I believe all you have to do is live. You have forgiven him. Let that sink into every cell of your body. Start forgiving yourself and I would say to him I forgive myself I was doing the best I knew how back then. Send compassion to yourself even touch yourself when you are in his presence so he sees you forgiving yourself. This might inspire him to forgive you too. Don’t apologize any more if you feel it in your vibe that you are apologizing to get him to change his opinion about you. If you apologize, do it because doing it feels good to you are frees up your energy.

    Maybe all the appreciation he has been getting and the hugs has him a bit addicted to them, your voice and your smell. If he feels like your hero I believe he will keep coming back.

  194.  #194Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Ohhh Starla, that feels wonderful to read! πŸ™‚

  195.  #195Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    FW! I love this:

    Maybe all the appreciation he has been getting and the hugs has him a bit addicted to them, your voice and your smell. If he feels like your hero I believe he will keep coming back.

    You are such a wise Siren!

  196.  #196Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm


    I miss the ‘scripting’ too. It seems we have so much to share here and learn from each other. Sometimes one word makes all the difference.

  197.  #197Siren Angel on March 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Signing off for some ‘me’ time.

    I love myself and taking care of myself.

    I am a Goddess, Feminine Energy embodiment of Love and Feeling. I am THE ONE.

  198.  #198Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm


    I did address his text style once a long time ago and was going to talk to him last Sat again, but he was really sick and weak and he missed me so much.

    So you think I shouldn’t do it via text? Ok if I say ‘strange’ over ‘weird’ does it make it lighter?

  199.  #199Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Turquoise he considers himself a good man and is trying to prove that. He might even be feeling somewhat guilty and is trying to make it up to you. Maybe sometimes tell him you know he is a good man and that you trust him to do the right thing even when he tells you he can’t forgive you. Look for the feeling inside you when you hear that. Look for what you automatically want to do when you hear that and try to change the pattern. Get rid of your defenses around his lack of forgiveness.

  200.  #200Starla on March 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Memulo, 184, i’ll just keep trying to make sense okay?:)

    what i am saying is, what does “Weird” feel like?

    This is for you, not for him. This is for you to riff through before you address him.

    Weird is really a superficial feeling…there’s stuff under it. disrespected actually isn’t even a feeling.,..what’s under it all?

    a huge part of the Rori stuff is to get in touch with your feelings very deeply. You are just skimming the surface with “weird”. there are feelings underneatgh “weird,” and those feelings usually have physical counterparts too. Sinking into these feelings has an amazing effect on our vibe and our man’s ability to connect with us on a deep level.

  201.  #201Starla on March 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Memulo 192
    you didn’t make any other plans because you were waiting for him to want to spend time with you. now you’re resentful.

    this waiting for him thing is a classic and huge rori no-no. I wish you would get a cd player and listen to modern siren again:P save yourself future resentment:)

  202.  #202Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm


    Thank you, ok, disappointment is what I feel. I did not feel ‘forgotten’. ‘unimportant’, ‘not a priority’, etc, but I did feel disappointed and confused about the way he treated my subtle request to see each other. I felt unpleasantly surprised.

    How does this help?

  203.  #203Femininewoman on March 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Men don’t do subtle. Ask them they will tell you. They are direct.

  204.  #204Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    I know I would have been ok if he told me he can’t make it πŸ˜‰ It’s not so hard to do, right?

  205.  #205Tiffany on March 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    What happened to BW? I am on my phone & can’t see all the posts….

    Still feeling nervous. I don’t think OM has written me back yet. I feel tempted to call him tonight and talk things over. Share my feelings and get it all out there. But on the other hand, maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I still need more time. I feel better, but I am not exactly recovered. I am not quite “on my feet.” I may be forcing the issue. And why? Because I think he “needs” to know? Is he a needy person? No. He is an adult man, who can take care of himself. I am adult woman who is trying my best not to abandon myself…and if I succumb to the impulse to respond to his perceived “needs” then that is really just patently codependent behavior.

    I don’t even have to follow through on my promise to write “more later.” What does later mean? It could mean any time? It could mean never.

    I am afraid of him cutting my out of his life because of my unusual behavior & my reaction to a sexual experience.

    That fear feels like tightness in my chest and nose. A hot, burning sensation. My eyes feel squished. My vision is narrow.

    Now, what if I believe he’s not gone? That it’s all okay. It’s already okay. (i love that phrase:)

    I feel better. More open. Cool water. Relaxed. It feels fresh, unencumbered. Without expectation. I feel free…

    I remember walking out of the movie, away from NS. And he still contacted me. I even heard from K today. Maybe OM needs a break, too. That’s why he’s fine with it. Better I don’t push anything.

    Take my time & recover. And when we come back together, it will be even better than before…better than I can imagine. πŸ™‚

    I can’t wait πŸ™‚

    I am the prize, and he can’t stop thinking of me. I have never been so perfect, radiant, and brilliant as when I let go and truly let my vulnerability show itself. He loves my vulnerability. He wants to cradle it in his hand, and care for it like a delicate orchid. He is the Orchid man. And I am his prize flower : )

    And that makes me feel pretty good…

  206.  #206Brenda on March 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    I’m IMing one while emailing several others.

    Just to remind you all, I still hate dating! πŸ™‚

  207.  #207Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    I do want to address this with him, so do I say ‘I felt surprised to only see you respond to me now’? That doesnt sound god at all, right

  208.  #208LoveAlways on March 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Leaning back means not getting into a man’s head, even if he calls and shares his thoughts, feelings and experiences? CD song called to confide in his situation, but I couldn’t do much but share positive thoughts. I tried to point out things to him without giving advice . . . (Rori’s 4 rules), but it was really really hard. I feel a little frustrated, but I also feel glad that I was able to share bottom line positiveness with him. He will think of it hopefully as he settles into his feeling. I’m glad I’m not trying to get into his head, yet still, this is in no way easy.

  209.  #209Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    I don’t want to play a game and not answer his next communication until later ;( I’d rather addressed this openly

  210.  #210Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Thank you siren angel, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment to me and encourage me.

    FW, I love reading that too…. the distance will be good this month, and I’m going to lean back. That was a big talk last night, knowing him, he needs some time to process and he’ll be travelling by the end of the week again. That is the reason he can’t come home for a month, lots of travel for work. I can’t believe he’s paying off almost 5 grand for me.

    That is something I thought of too…. some sirens were concerned about him wanting to have control over me, or how it would look to another man…. I wonder how he thinks all he’s doing for me would look to another woman.

    He bought me a house.
    He stays here when he comes to visit the girls.
    He added me to his family cell phone plan.
    He paid off my credit card debt.

    Now, he may not choose to share all that…. but I wonder if he’s considered any of that for his future dating…. and how that might affect him.

    In the past, he’s….. I don’t want to say tricked me, but probably tested would be better…

    for example, when he was leaving for Iraq the first time, we’d talked about trying to work it out, but he repeatedly told me not to wait for him, it wasn’t fair of him to ask me that, If when he got back we were both still single, we’d see what happens. Well, I didn’t date, but had a myspace page and my status said divorced, the papers were filed, and myspace didnt give you a separated option. It had said married for awhile, but he wasn’t being warm or receptive, couldn’t tell me he loved me…. so after 12 months (he was gone 16) I reconnected with a guy from high school, and we dated on and off for a year and a half. Right when I had met Dan again, my ex proposed to a girl from Turkey who he’d known for a month. Yet, now, when he retells this story, it’s that he wanted to work things out, and then he found out I had a myspace page…. as if that justifies him proposing to another woman while we were still married. But he wasnt telling me he wanted to work things out, in fact, he often told me I should move on. It’s hard because he doesn’t let go of the past, but he also doesn’t take into consideration all the factors.

    So, him doing all this for me now, yet telling me it doesn’t mean anything, could be a “test” so I do feel a little stuck. I don’t want to date other men if it’s going to cause problems with him, yet, I don’t want to not live my life because he may be looking for a reaction, or waiting to see what I’ll do…. it’s difficult, and I feel confused knowing what is best to do.

  211.  #211LoveAlways on March 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm


  212.  #212Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm


    They sometimes just need us to listen and say : I feel confident you will find the way to figure this out.

    I did say it just recently and it felt good and he seemed so much stronger, right away.

  213.  #213Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    FW, I have told him he’s a good man and that I trust him to make the right decisions or choices. Just recently, when he got the phone tracker thing for CV’s phone, he asked my opinion of which option he should choose, if we should go that route or just change her number…. and I said, I trust you, I know you’ll make the right choice. And he said, I know you trust me, but I still want you to get online and look at it.

    One of the comments he made to me last night was that he’s almost 40, he has nothing saved for himself, no investments, and he knows that will look bad to a woman, like how can he be this age, have that kind of job and not having anything, but that the girls are his priority, and he wanted them to have everything. I told him that he does have things, he has the house which is an investment, he has a brand new explorer that he paid cash for, he has nice belongings…. but that there was a lot more to him than being a good provider. That he was a good man, and any woman would be lucky to have him. He was silent afterwards.

    He actually just called…. my phone is really touchy, and I accidently called earlier, but hung up right way. He saw he missed the call. I laughed a little, explained the touchy phone and he sounded pleasant, said I’d get used to it. Then he said he was really tired and was going to go. He sounded exhausted. I just said thanks for calling and goodnight. He said he’d talk to me later and goodnight.

  214.  #214Memulo on March 12, 2012 at 8:08 pm


    You never know, you may meet interesting people and learn something.. about the world and about yourself πŸ˜‰

    Please please stay open πŸ˜‰

  215.  #215Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Memulo, I’m sorry, so preoccupied with my own mess, could you just say a very basic,

    It feels bad to me to wait a long time for responses. I feel shut down to texting right now.

    My focus is really off kilter, I may have missed something signifcant, I’m sorry. ((((memulo))))

  216.  #216Starla on March 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Memulo, you’re playing a game in your own head. the hints should be a huge sign of it. it’s a natural reaction to feeling averse to leaning back and letting him lead. i think you should ask yourself why you feel so averse to it.

    you are overfunctioning to the max right now, rowing the relationship boat when that is HIS job. why u doin that? how are you feeling? talk to us, lady!

    my use-able advice for now is to carry on responding to him when he leans forward, and don’t mention anything about dropping hints and how you feel when he didn’t catch it.

  217.  #217Starla on March 12, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    actually you could say something about it, as long as you keep it general and DON’T make it about him. something like,

    “i’m starting to feel burnt out on texting, it feels hard to settle into the varied pacing of exchanges and i feel all weird and left in the dust sometimes. it’d feel better to hear your voice…what do you think?”

    You can end it with stuff other than “It’d feel better to hear your voice…what do you think?”

    “I don’t want to feel all weird and texty…it’d feel better to talk on the phone instead, what do you think”

    for me, this overall feels more like pure truth that’s not about him.

    what do u think, memulo?

  218.  #218Starla on March 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    i don’t know why i thought CF was retreating. He did call and I missed it. He sounds different…maybe he energetically retreated to check in with himself and I felt it?

    or maybe when i told the universe with my sincere vibration of no fear and acceptance and love for his retreat and his cave, he no longer felt the energetic message from me that inspired him to retreat?

    or maybe he reads this blog and figured out that I am Starla, LOL, that would be hilarious.

    cuz it feels like every time i find peace and love for the given moment, or get very clear on something that feels uncomfortable (and share it here), he suddenly steps up to handle it without my ever saying anything.

    ohhhh i don’t know. he leaves me really nice voicemails. i don’t think he’s left me a voicemail in the last 2 months that didn’t end in some explicit form of ‘and you’re beautiful and wonderful’.

  219.  #219Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm


    I only had a few triscuits today…. my only wheat! πŸ™‚ I”m going to cut down gradually rather than go cold turkey, as I’ll be less likely to stick to it. WHy am I giving up whole wheat though? Can I still have rice and corn products, what about like Oatmeal bread? Does that have wheat too?

  220.  #220Turquoise on March 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    On a fun note, I was contacted by some friends from high school about our 20 year reunion this year, so we started planning for THanksgiving weekend, and I’m so super excited. πŸ™‚ I was pregnant with CM for my 10 year, wow, so much has happened since then. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since high school. Wow, such a long time ago. Sigh…..

  221.  #221Butterfly wings on March 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Memulo – I am an overfunctioner from way back and I can see that you’re doing exactly what I used to do.

    I would drop hints to TH that I was free, and if he didn’t react the way I wanted him to (ask me out, make plans with me), then I would feel really upset and sometimes angry at him for not taking the hint!

    What I should have been doing was focusing on me and CDing. I needed to get out of his head!

    He was doing nothing wrong – he was just doing what he does. Instead of making him wrong I should have stopped trying to manipulate him because he didn’t have to invite me anywhere. But my expectations were saying otherwise!!

    Change all that and you’ll notice a change in him.

    CD like crazy girl! Get your mind off him!


  222.  #222Tiffany on March 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    Yes, this is still going on. I feel a little bad for using this blog to talk about me so much. I feel selfish for doing that. But I feel so focused on me right now. And since I am the one that is hurting, I need to take care of myself first…so here I am. To take care of me.

    I feel so raw, ladies. I was thinking about it, just standing at the bus stop. I feel raw, exposed. Like the air could cause me pain. But it doesn’t.

    When people ask me how I am, I struggle with an answer. “I’m good!” I’ll say cheerfully. Or just, “I’m Okay.” If I’m more honest, and it’s someone I can trust, I can tell them I feel a little “off.” I did say to one person today that I was dealing with an emotional reaction to something that felt hard to talk about. I later said I was “overwhelmed” by something that happened. That felt good to say, because it was true.

    I didn’t write to OM tonight. I didn’t call him, or anyone. I have engaged in self-care behaviors like crazy today.

    I did a massage trade with a therapist friend this morning. Then I had back-to-back clients for the rest of the day. And right after that, I headed off to an evening study class in a Jewish topic. I almost didn’t go, I was so tired, but I am soooo glad I went. I felt revived, rejuvenated, and energized just by sitting around a table discussing intellectual issues with other adults. I loved it:)

    But on the way home, I just felt this raw-ness come over me. And I kept thinking about what I’ve been experiencing, and some of the things you ladies have said back to me from my posts…

    So I looked up an EFT tapping sequence on YouTube for healing from sexual abuse.

    For one thing, I started crying the minute the woman started talking about the symptoms people experience who have been abused or molested – they describe me to a T (haha). Then she started the tapping sequence, and I couldn’t even make it through the “karate chop” point (which is the first point), before I had to stop the video and go let some of the crying out. But I had some tea there, and I drank some tea and put the video back on and plugged along…

    I don’t know if it fixed anything, but I do feel better, just doing it. At least I gave myself some attention – and the part of me that really needed it, too. That’s been so hungry, she’ll try to get attention from anywhere, really….

    I am going to keep doing the tapping, and just see what happens.

    I imagine that OM (or anyone) can feel the shift in my vibe as I’m doing this. And even if he/they can’t, it doesn’t matter, because this is for me, and this is about me.

    So, forgive my self-indulgence. (or don’t – ha!) But this is me, taking care of me. And now I am going to sleep….

  223.  #223Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 12:39 am

    #127 SLV

    You and Sweetie are just……….well just so sweet. πŸ™‚

    Good to see you back. πŸ˜€

  224.  #224Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 12:46 am

    #140 Ella

    My son emailed me last week and said he and his gf have been having problems because of his drinking, he is quite immature and very self indulgent for a 37 year old man.

    And I know we aren’t supposed to give advise to men, but he’s my son and I can’t sit here and watch him throw away this lovely girl he has found.

    So I asked him what was more important to him, alcohol or love? That it’s his choice.

    And I sent him some links to Tony Robbins Intervention videos where he talks about putting the woman FIRST…………….

    He hasn’t replied – I haven’t followed up on it, it’s his life and he is a grown man.

  225.  #225Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 12:49 am

    #144 BW

    {{{ HUGS }}}

  226.  #226Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 12:59 am

    #156 Starla

    Thank you for posting this meditation video, I have bookmarked it.

  227.  #227Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:02 am

    #172 Siren Angel

    I know you have only been here a relatively short time, but you just seem to “get” it so quickly, whilst some of us really struggle to understand. Was there one particular programme that helped? Is it a combination? Or were you more or less a Siren when you first got here?

  228.  #228Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:04 am

    You know I don’t really get this sink into your feelings stuff, what does it mean really?

  229.  #229Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:05 am

    #179 Brenda

    Spitting? YUCK!!!!!

  230.  #230Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 1:10 am

    Turquoise look up someone pointed me to it earlier. Wheat is in so many things our bodies become sensitive to it eventually. For me when I drop it completely my body responds almost immediately to dropping weight. Particularly the inches go faster than if I don’t

  231.  #231Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:38 am

    #201 Starla

    And you too, how do you get underneath the word “weird” like you are telling Memulo, sorry but I just don’t get it, I get that weird isn’t a feeling word, but I just don’t get this going into your feelings stuff. πŸ™

  232.  #232Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 1:40 am

    SMB put your attention in your body. You can do deep breathing and follow the breath into your body. Ask yourself what am I feeling?

  233.  #233Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:52 am

    Barb, if you could take a daily pill that would profoundly speed-up the manifestation of all your dreams, would you take it without fail?

    I thought so.

    What if it was a big, ugly pill that took 5 minutes to dissolve on your tongue, and it tasted like medicine. Would you still do it?

    Yes, all of your dreams…

    Thought so.

    But what if during those 5 minutes each day you couldn’t watch TV, or talk with friends, or distract yourself in any way from your chore?

    Wow, you must really want a fabulous fabulous job & own beautiful home, and all those other awesome life changes!

    OK, what if you could skip the pill bit entirely, but instead you had to set aside 5 minutes a day to visualize, in a dark and quiet room, seeing your life unfold as if all your dreams were coming true, and for good measure you had to say or do something, each day, that implied the same?

    No, you can’t go back to the pill idea.

    The Universe

  234.  #234Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:53 am

    #232 FW

    To be honest, I am mainly feeling not much at all……..

  235.  #235Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 1:53 am

    And oh FW you are another who just seems to “get” it………mmmmmmmm

  236.  #236Ella on March 13, 2012 at 2:21 am


    Am trying to concentrate on myself…

    And so much more want to focus on MWC and what he is doing.

    I have all this information I think could help him and so want to share it.

    And I think that could be damaging unless he is asking right??

    Urghh, this is hard

    So hard to focus on ourselves.

    Feels so much more exciting to focus on another person.


    And how do I bring the focus back to me?

    I do look after myself and just finding it hard not to think about MWC and the situation atm…

    Ok… back to me Ella.

  237.  #237Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:26 am

    ok i am doing really well

    plan for tonite is to tap out some more of the fear ina {violent} conflict situation

    yay me for committing to me!

  238.  #238Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:30 am

    oh man i really like that pill!

  239.  #239Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:31 am

    Team Heal Loneliness – called 3 of my friends today and asked them to hang out… and hung out with one. yay

  240.  #240Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:36 am

    i feel disappointed that i wound up feeling mad at CD for hesitating to take me home right after i said i was ready to

    and then i felt unworthy

    cuz im “goofY’ for not having a backup plan and money for a cab. actually im “weird” and “disgusting” for that. thats what my voice says

    ok and i love me

    and i do always have my mom

    but dont wanna wake her


    yeah i ck

    and i feel mad he didnt seem to care to help me in the car or to get me my doggybag food

    and he made a comment about how itsa lota food

    and yesterday he talked about saving money by cookig instead of out

    so im juding him as cheap

    and maybe what it was was i felt tightened up and uncomfortable hearing that

    and also hearing him say some competitive mean things to his friend, not in room with me.


    yeah i dont know about this guy i feel scared he might hit women

    i get that tight fear inside me

    i feel afraid to tell my truth

    and i coulda said

    whoa i feel off. i dont feel good when a guys not ready to take me home right whenn i say im ready… wahtsup?

    and i can know its easy for me to call a cab. i waish a i hada 24 hour friend (or 2o r 3) but not having none i DO have my mom but feels like soooo last resort i tolerate bad treatment


    love me

  241.  #241Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:40 am

    im home feeling excited! woo hoo i practiced!

    mucho lucho!

    and babystepping!

  242.  #242Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:41 am

    im really feelin myself right now

    yay me

    i take good care of ME

  243.  #243Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:42 am

    i wanna remember this feeling. for next time i decide to hold my boundaries. remember i wont feel crappy instead feel like THIS. powerful and thrilled.

  244.  #244Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 2:52 am

    Ella maybe I would talk about myself and what I am doing to get away from drinking all the time. Maybe when talking about your zumba and how you need to keep your body feeling? I am also wondering if there is a movie with some kind of similar theme that or scene that you could watch together.

  245.  #245Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:53 am

    im feeling really alone

    or im telling myself im alone


  246.  #246Ella on March 13, 2012 at 3:19 am

    FW thank you those are helpful.

    Yes I do talk quite a bit about what I am doing … and how I am moving away from drinking…

    Hmmm, I wonder what movies might have such a theme?

    Right now I have been doing some work which has felt good.


  247.  #247LPN courses online on March 13, 2012 at 3:46 am


    yeah I have your tools and they do work very well. All women should buy the book truly. Very practical advice and right to the point.

  248.  #248Sirenity on March 13, 2012 at 3:46 am

    The “mantra” being mentioned around 130 is
    Ho’oponopono which is a Hawaiian forgiveness and healing meditation. It can be thought , sung, spoken aloud or used in a ritual.

    I’m Sorry.
    Please forgive me,
    thank you,
    I love you.

    This link tells a powerful healing story about the use of ho’oponopono with psychiatric criminals.

  249.  #249April Rose on March 13, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Aaaagh Silver Moonbeam!

    You made me think twice!
    I don’t know if I would take that pill!!!!

    My life is ‘okay’.
    You mean I could make it ‘fabulous’????


  250.  #250Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Siren Angel,

    About my comment that I would try to understand, rather than I’ll understand. It would have been a lie to say I would understand, so I was being honest by saying I would try. HE shares a lot about me with his family, even that he was adding me to the cell phone bill, and I just don’t feel they need to know so much. But, if for some reason he did feel the need to tell them, I’d try to understand why, even though I don’t right now.

    He said he wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m relieved.

  251.  #251Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 4:23 am


    Thank you, I’ll try to stay open.


    Yeah, yuck on chewing tobacco. Gross!! I would NEVER kiss THAT! I just received an email from him asking for another date, and I will say yes. Not sure why, but I guess for practice.

  252.  #252Mel on March 13, 2012 at 4:27 am

    I’m feeling a little bit like a pouty little girl today.

    I found out yesterday that my contract at work was renewed. Great news!! I was feeling uber excited and happy and relieved and celebratory.

    But when I went over to visit after work (I was invited), Mr. A was such a grump. I felt like all that positive energy and life was sucked out of me.

    And now I’m kinda feeling like a spoiled brat because I feel like I am deserving of a celebration and not an evening of negative vibes. He said me being there made him feel so much better. Well I feel worse! I don’t want to be in charge of making someone feel happier. Now I’m feeling a little low energy and drained.

    I’m going to treat my little girl to some fabulous lunch with dessert today. She deserves it. She worked soooooo hard to get that contract!!

  253.  #253Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Mel, I’m sorry you didn’t get your celebration, and I’m happy to see you are taking care of you and celebrating you today! πŸ™‚ Sounds like A was just having a bad day, I’m sure he will make it up to you. Congratulations on your promotion!!!

  254.  #254Sirenity on March 13, 2012 at 4:35 am

    I had a great few days.

    All the changes I put in place last year re location, work, health issues..well its all coming together.

    Having moved to a smaller town my CD supply from online dating has dried up. However recently old CD’s (THREE of them in fact) reappeared and two came and visited me for lunches and days in the country last weekend. I felt honored and delighted that these men drove 2 hours to me . I realized one felt GOOD to be around especially . I have also been invited to dinner by another old friend who lives locally in a few days.

    I have found dance classes locally to attend, singing tuition, social invitations from girlfriends and couples..and I am truly CD’ing in its fullest sense.

    In fact I have regained a lot of my fitness (though weight has not changed ) and my four surgeries in one year are now fading into distant memory.

    My work is interesting and has built up fact everything is finally going well for me. It would be lovely to manifest the relationship I want as the next step πŸ™‚

  255.  #255Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    I didn’t get it either for awhile. It’s just maybe been the last month or so where I really can pinpoint more of how I’m feeling.

    Even if you aren’t feeling much, you can go into that, I’m feeling bored, tired, kinda schlumpy, feeling like, sigh, just middle of the road, and that feels kinda sad to me because I really don’t want to just feel nothing….

    It gets easier. It took me a long time to get beyond feeling good or bad, happy or sad, it’s when you feel fine (that is my indication that there is more) that I really started to express what I felt in my body.

    Like with this debt thing…. before I would have felt so elated and happy and relieved, but now… I don’t know, I feel so heavy in my heart still, I know there is more I need to work through. I don’t like feeling like I need to be saved, that I made a mess of my finances and needed rescued. And also, not like it’s just disappearing, I still have to make payments for 2 years, just not 4, which does feel wonderful and I can breathe easier just thinking about it.

    My heart is icy, protected me from my feelings and kept me going as a single mom for a long time. Now that it’s melting, and I’m thinking about me so much more than everyone else, I realize that the resistance and the wall served me for awhile, but now I need to break that down to have the growth and discovery I need to really get to where I want to go.

    It just takes time. Even if you just describe what your body feels, like rolling your eyes at comments, or a chuckle that tickles your throat, or gritting your teeth, or cold fingertips, it will get you there. πŸ™‚

    YOu are doing great!

  256.  #256Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 4:43 am


    That is wonderful and feels inspiring to read. Thank you for sharing!!!! πŸ™‚

  257.  #257Sirenity on March 13, 2012 at 4:46 am

    As to the ho’oponopono “mantra” ,
    I use it regularly whenever I think of the ex .

    I ask forgiveness for myself and how i contributed to making him take the lying , manipulative actions he took over several years.

    There is something about claiming responsibility and asking forgiveness which is the diametric opposite of anger and blame.

    Note it is done privately and in a genuinely loving way ,by conscious choosing from a position of inner strength .

    “sorry, please forgive me, thank you, i love you” is so softening and it neutralizes the poisoning effect of anger and blame . It heals me .If it also heals the other , even better !!

  258.  #258LoveAlways on March 13, 2012 at 4:46 am

    Good morning sirens!

    Just thinking . . . Pre-siren I would long for love from the person I was with, now I see and feel more clearly and openly . . . Wow, was love always so easy? I sometimes wonder if I’m doing this right cuz love feels so different than in the past

  259.  #259Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 4:47 am

    I felt very happy to get on the scale this morning and see a new number compared to a few days ago. Not as low as when I had the flu….lol, but heading back in that direction.

    I am very happy to say that I ate well yesterday, didn’t eat after 7, and I didn’t even notice or feel like mindlessly snacking. I was too busy feeling my feelings and typing on the blog! I also packed my lunch so I saved some much needed money this week, and I feel proud of myself for not escaping the office or making everyone happy by me going and using my gas money to get everyone lunch. I’m packing all week, they can take care of themselves. It feels good to take care of me that way.

  260.  #260Sirenity on March 13, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Thank you Turquoise,

    You Aint Seen Nothing Yet !!

  261.  #261Sirenity on March 13, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Well done Turq,

    I am still working on weight.

    Must go now Sirens , enjoy your days.

  262.  #262Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Welcome to this week’s edition of

    Love Notes Weekly!


    Love Note of the Week:
    It takes only one person to begin to change a relationship for the better.

    “Don’t wait for a sign. Don’t wait for the other person to make a change, a suggestion, or initiate. You have control over only one thing – you’re own behavior. If you desire for a relationship to be different, change yourself and the relationship will change – it must. Take a class, work with a coach, simply take time for yourself weekly to refuel, and make the changes you desire. No one is stopping you, or holding you back… other than you.”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

  263.  #263Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 5:17 am

    Francesca! Seems like we’re all on the good way to change things! Hooray!!

  264.  #264Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 5:19 am

    Yay Turquoise!!! I’m trying to make myself lunches too. Would like to have a flatter stomach!

  265.  #265Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 5:28 am

    I finally get a day off after four days of work. I was getting a little tired so it feels good not having to rush to get ready for work this morning.

    EC and I are going to go shopping for new kitchen lamps this afternoon. Right now, he has a fluorescent that just looks awful and out of place in his house. Exposed beams and fluorescent don’t go together!

    So we are going for a hanging lamp above the dining table as well as a three-light track above the sink and oven. A friend of his will then come by to help install them. I wonder if he could install a dimmer for the hanging lamp while he’s at it…that would be nice.

    This will be our first joint purchase for the house and there are many more to come.

  266.  #266Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Thanks Lizka! It helps because we have a frig. at work, so I bring in cut up veggies, cheese, yogurt, etc. and that lasts me a few days. I also make sandwiches or take leftovers sometimes. At my desk I keep a bag of mixed nuts, or cereal to snack on. We don’t have vending machines thank goodness… but we eat out almost everyday, and even if I make good choices, it’s still more food than I’d normally eat, and the money adds up quickly!

    I need to tighten up my budget. I was trying to save a certain amount each month, but I think I’m going to do a certain amount each week, based on what bills I pay, etc. Plus, think it will be easier to save, rather than spend if I have that expectation.

    Have a great day ladies, I’m off to work and will get there early this morning for once! Whoo hoo@!

  267.  #267Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Yes Lizka, lots of changes happening lately! πŸ™‚

  268.  #268Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 5:36 am

    Enjoy your day, Turquoise!

  269.  #269Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 5:36 am

    Namaste lovely ladies!

    I’m still feeling very good about my decision to have sex with ATW on Sunday. I feel very smiley when thinking of it.

    I just noticed that I think a little bit too often of him. Since I’m getting good at physically leaning back an not initiating contacts, this week is gonna be about practicing mentally leaning back.

    Because when I think of him I am obviously expecting a call and jumping on my phone everytime it rings. I don’t want to do that. I want to go back to focusing on my fabulous life, just like last week and have no expectation.

    I don’t mean I’m doin bad right now, just that I don’t want to feel disapointed if he calls only in a few days.

    So let’s switch this waiting vibe and plan my week!!

    Hmmmm actually I don’t have that much plans for this week… ModelCD haven’t call me after Saturday’s party. I’m pretty sure he will, but so far we have no plans… So I’m gonna use these next days to catch up on my marathon training. Will run tonight, tomorrow and Thursday. Thursday I’m also gonna do my grocery shopping. I love doing that as I get to really focus on my needs and to carefuly choose what would be the best for me to eat in the next two weeks. Friday it’s paid day for me so I’ll go shopping for some new spring clothes! Yay! Can’t wait! And finally Saturday my bikram yoga friens is ou of the city so I’ll go to normal yoga to try it and I’m supposed to paint the bathroom with my dad. Also have to run Saturday and Sunday… Hmmm some cleaning wouldn’t hurt also…

    I think I’ll be busy enough to lean back in my thoughts as well pretty easily!

    Yay feeling better already!

  270.  #270Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 5:42 am

    I think I really allowed myself to feel rage for the first time last night. I was alone, so I felt safe feeling it. I went running to try to relieve it. I ended up screaming and collapsing on the ground crying.

    I felt so good to feel my rage, without having anybody there to look scared of it or shocked by it, because they’ve never felt it.

    My body felt warm with relief in my head and my chest and my arms after I let myself feel it. I felt lighter and like laughing.

    I’m really going to be okay, aren’t I?

    I feel teary…

    A hug would feel really good right about now, but I’m at work…

  271.  #271Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Turquoise congratulations on the weight loss.

    Mel congratulations on your new contract.

    The emotional thing is just an indication of what will likely come later on. It is a good lesson to practice being happy no matter what is going on around you. Just remember that emotions are contagious so you have to choose not to go down that dark tunnel with him. Don’t let his black clouds affect you.

  272.  #272Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 5:46 am


    I like feeling my rage or my sadness sometimes too. πŸ™‚ Bit I prefere feeling my happiness…

  273.  #273Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Iamabutterfly, good for you!

    I have collapsed crying in rage on my kitchen floor at 2am… then felt immense relief.

    It feels good to feel it and not be scared to feel it. It feels good to realize you are ok, even better, after having felt it.

  274.  #274Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 5:58 am

    If you were sneak attacked by a warrior with a sword, and tried to fight back with a sword as opposed to using your shield, you’d likely lose the fight, and your life, in short order. but if you were to fight back” with your shield instead, the other fighter tires – even with the element of surprise on their side, at which they will either tire and collapse, or you will bring out your sword at last to get yourself some justice.

    Your boundary is like that too. To the point that one of the most effective things you can do with conflict and competition in the workplace is to ignore it, and let the aggressive other fighter fight themselves into a corner of political drama. At which the opponent “hangs themself” with their own bad behavior.

    You would find the same to be true of waiting out for another woman vying for the same man as you to tire out while you “keep your cool,” or for a man you are in an exclusive relationship with to process his moody feelings until he figures out his problems.

    This use of your personal boundary is certainly a kind of “surrender.” It is the opposite of suffering, in which you are letting the forces of nature around you to do what they do, even have their way with you for a time (such as tolerating a toxic work environment until you get to the next job, or a toxic educational department at school until you can get your degree.)

    In the end, you’ll get the degree, the new job, and the man if you can only have the patience to use techniques of surrender on purpose. You end up with self-respect, because you’ve made wise choices with your resources, and done your best to fight with what you’ve got.

    But along the way, you would see neither the right conditions to surrender for awhile, nor the time to spot an opportunity to come back from the ashes of defeat without the prime core skill of personal growth: Observing Ego – the antidote to regrets.

  275.  #275Mel on March 13, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Thanks Turquoise, FW! I still do feel quite happy and proud of myself!

    So it’s funny… I was starting to feel a bit blamey… but then I was able to catch myself and be like: Hey! He’s done nothing wrong! Everybody has grumpy days sometimes. Just crummy timing that it occurred on a day when I was feeling super peppy and celebratory. Then I asked my little girl how she would have liked to celebrate and she said flowers would have felt soooo special and a special yummy treat, and a visit with an equally peppy friend, and maybe a couple new work clothes and maybe new running clothes if there’s a sale….

    Wow! She sure knows what she wants! So today I’m going to buy myself some beautiful spring flowers for my coffee table, I’m going to get a yummy treat at the bakery, I emailed my friend with BEEnefits (who was soooo pleased to hear from me) and we’re meeting up for a tea after work, and I’m going to go shopping later this week for some needed clothing.

    And just when my vibe changed and I stopped feeling blamey and started to be sireny again, Mr. A emailed to wish me a lovely morning. It’s like my energy shift let him know that he didn’t have to feel bad or “wrong” and that I’m going to be happy no matter what.

    I feel sooooo much better. Peppy again for sure! It’s amazing what can happen when we are simply aware of what’s going on within ourselves!

  276.  #276Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Here’s a tip I teach that is part of my “7 Easy Steps To Stop Belly Fat” in the Blast Belly Fat program.

    How To Stop Belly Fat Tip #4 —

    –> “Practice Core Awareness”

    Your core is the center of your body, and when your core is “dead” or if there is no awareness of this area, your body will produce belly fat.

    There are many reasons why your body makes belly fat, and one of the easiest ways to STOP your body from storing belly fat is to AWAKEN your core!

    There are great techniques in yoga, pilates, ballet, gymnastics … they all have a lot of techniques to strengthen the core.

    I’ve tested ALL of these different methods, and while there are lots of “advanced” ways to strengthen your core…

    It all starts with this step.


    –> Take a deep ~breath~ into the bottom of your belly, and allow your breath to gently awaken your core.

    –> If you’re comfortable, place your hand gently on your abdomen to feel the breath as it fills up the bottom of your belly.

    This gentle awareness exercise is more powerful than any “sit-up” or crunch you can ever do.

    Becoming AWARE of this part of your body is the KEY.

    The more you practice this simple breathing “Core Awareness” exercise, the stronger your core becomes…

    β€’ Your breaths get deeper

    β€’ You have more energy

    β€’ You lose inches of belly fat

    It may sound too simple to be true, but it works!

    Andrea Albright

  277.  #277Memulo on March 13, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Girls – Starla, Turquoise, LoveAlways, SA, BW, FW and everyone else who was trying to help me last night – thanks πŸ˜‰

    At the end I decided that Turquoise’s lines are the closest to how I feel, because it’s not about him not calling (he does call) and not about some abstract texting arrangement, I felt upset about a specific case and wanted to let him know about it.

    This morning I am getting a text: Feeling difficulty not seeing you ;(

    Ohh impossible to feel angry anymore, right?? But I still think I want to address yday’s incident. I can say something like

    Feels nice to hear from you. I felt strange to have the conversation dropped yday.. sorry have a show tonight

  278.  #278Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Thanks, Lizka. I have to admit that I felt scared to even let myself feel my rage. It felt scary to feel it. It kind of felt like an out-of-body experience, like this other self was outside of me, watching me, loving me, comforting me, telling me everything was going to be okay, and that it was completely okay to be feeling the rage. That the rage was justified and that there was nothing wrong or abnormal about it.

    I haven’t slept well the past two nights. Last night, I kept flying into fits of rage, calming down and then starting back up, throwing things across my bedroom, screaming and crying some more. I feel like there’s a lot inside of me…

    I really need some good feeling messages to use in expressing this anger with one of my CDs. He has been triggering me a lot lately, and I haven’t been handling it well. I feel like we’re at an important point in our relationship. I’ve just started to see his anger, and he is just starting to see mine, but we haven’t taken it out on each other, and I feel proud of us for that.

    I just feel scared to express this anger without blaming him or letting it get out of control…

    Here’s a feeling message I’m working with:

    “I feel scared. I feel like our relationship isn’t moving forward and I don’t know why. I feel angry. I feel so good when I’m with you, but then I feel neglected and sad when so much time passes without hearing from you.

    I don’t want to waste my time and heart on something that doesn’t mean anything to you. It would feel good to hear you say that I mean something to you. I want to feel safe and connected to you again. What do you think?”

    Basically, I’m just gonna say it next time I hear from him or spend time with him.

    What do you Sirens think of this Feeling Message?

  279.  #279Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    SMB @227,

    Thank you for the compliment! Yes, some things were natural to me and some things, like being in feeling mode, come to me with my 12 year yoga practice. However, I believe we all go through some of the same things and struggles at some times.

    I discovered Rori last year but only purchase ebook and Modern Siren and Reconnect last summer. I read through the ebook but really focused on Modern Siren as I find the tools very helpful. Also, I didn’t like Reconnect at first, but I think it’s because I didn’t ‘get it’ at first. Now I think Reconnect is a powerful programme for anyone in a relationship. Also, I like CC for the ‘theory’. It kind of helps understand the reason for the Rori tools. I find Rori has the tools and CC has the theory.

  280.  #280Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:16 am

    iamabutterfly I feel trigged by this ”

    “I don’t want to waste my time and heart on something that doesn’t mean anything to you. It would feel good to hear you say that I mean something to you. I want to feel safe and connected to you again” This could cause him to feel criticized and become defensive.

    Maybe I would just use the first para and end with the I want to feel safe and connected then ask him if there is anything he can do to help me with that. This second para comes across to me like a harsh request.

  281.  #281Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 6:17 am

    It’s one of those things where I feel like everytime we feel a really great connection together, he just disappears. Or maybe I’m the one that disappears…

  282.  #282Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Memulo I feel truly drained reading your comments day to day. It seems this man’s energy is consistently coming towards us. Yet every time it comes you are constantly looking for something to pick away at as if you are expecting “more dropping shoes”. It seems he can’t win with you. Is it because you are giving too much so you are expecting equal or more back? Are you feeling resentful because of all the energy you are giving to the relationship and his feels like it is lacking to you?

  283.  #283Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Iamabutterfly after intense emotional connections men have to hang back so they feel like themselves ago. They recharge their testosterone. Until you actually enter the bonding phase and even after this could happen. That is how they are wired. It is him being male. One has to be careful to make a man wrong for being himself. Reason why we find things to fill ourselves up when there is a period of silence. I have seen Rori talk about herself having to learn to become comfortable with it even in her fabulous marriage.

  284.  #284Memulo on March 13, 2012 at 6:22 am


    Re: weight loss – first off, I am NO expert, but I developed some system that works for me. I care a lot about eating healthy and minimize fat at the same time. Now I hope it is ‘healthy’ lol. Let me share it, perhaps you may find it helpful. So this is what I do:

    – my snacks are fruit only. I know some dr’s think you gain a lot of weight from them, but I don’t care. They make me feel light, energized and healthy.

    – I don’t eat past 5pm, 6pm the very latest and if I don’t go out, this last meal is a yogurt (2% usually, not a big fan of no fat ones) or if I swim that night and feeling hungry I add a big orange or any other fruit.

    – if I do go out for dinner, I mostly order fish/seafood. Both because I like it and because it’s healthy. but I think that if you have dinner a couple of times per week it’s only for better πŸ˜‰

    – I eat almonds at bfast, fruit in addition to a regular bfast, like oatmeal or toasts with coffee. Lunch is my biggest meal and I go for meat/fish/chicken and veggies (never pasta really). No pizza.. or if yes, I clear the topping and take a few bites of the crust πŸ˜‰

    – I do eat sweets/a chocolate a day if I feel like it, but mostly not past 3-4 pm.

    I think that naturally I can be a big girl, but been fighting it my whole life. So now at 118-120, height 5’6” I am the biggest I ever been I think. I don’t feel like I am depriving myself of food, I think that I eat what I want and I do make exceptions if I feel like it.

    The biggest problem is if I want to loose 2-3 pounds more because at this point it’s hard to cut down more on food.

  285.  #285Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 6:23 am

    @279 Feminine Woman – Thanks for the suggestion. I can see why that might feel triggering.

    It’s just part of me feels like just cutting him out of my life completely because of how bad I’ve been feeling with him lately. that’s what I used to do in the past, without even communicating my feelings to the guy.

    I feel disrespected. (if there’s anything that men understand, it’s respect or the lack thereof, right?)

    I feel like I need him to know that I am not going to stick around unless he makes a real effort to change things.

    I don’t know how else to say it?

  286.  #286Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 6:27 am

    @282 Feminine Woman – Thank you so much for this insight! I feel better about my situation after reading it.

    I kind of feel shaky now. I feel ignorant. I still have so much to learn… :/

  287.  #287Memulo on March 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

    FW #281:

    All I am saying is that I wanted my text answered yesterday πŸ˜‰ I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I still feel that this is what I want.

    I am sorry you feel drained. Trying to understand what ‘this man’s energy coming at us’ means? You never met him? It is my energy that is ‘coming at you’. Sorry you feel this way, I did not mean for it to feel so aggressive. And who is ‘us’? Do you mean yourself personally or speaking for other sirens on the blog? Did they ask you?

  288.  #288Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 6:34 am

    One of my CDs is using David Deida’s Double Your Dating and and I’m pretty sure something else.

    I feel super triggered by what I’ve read. While I feel good that there’s information to help men feel more confident and secure in themselves, other aspects of it feel manipulative and disrespectful of women.

    Didn’t Christian Carter say something about if a man is using techniques, then he is not ready for a serious relationship?

  289.  #289Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Memulo that was a typo. I meant “coming towards you”. The way I understand Rori’s teaching is he invites you on dates, he calls, he texts, he keeps connecting to you in some way so his energy is coming towards.

    Look at your words “I wanted my text answered”. Can you control that? That is basically creating suffering for yourself if you can’t control his behavior. Do you always get what you want? Is your relationship with this man just about one text? How about sending him a text and not expecting any response or answer from him?

  290.  #290Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:39 am

    RE 287 I believe in Reconnect Rori says she respect David and he trains men to connect with and marry women. I believe it was this David. It is just that we are so predictable that he can teach men based on our psychology and behavior. Rori teaches us to be unpredictable.

  291.  #291Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I feel crummy waiting around and I don’t want to feel that way with you. I love being with you but when so much time passes before we connect I feel turned off and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    I know what you mean about disrespected, I use it myself but am convinced it is not really a feeling and some guys can become defensive if they hear that.

    Iamabutterfly I believe you have been doing very well with feeling messages and can find the words you need.

  292.  #292Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 6:46 am


    RE: #264 – Good morning! The new lamps sound pretty! I like dimmer switches, too.

    I really like my dining room. It has a raised ceiling, about 12 feet, with a ceiling fan. It is in the same room as the kitchen, and they are separated by a pretty kitchen island. The kitchen has small flood lights that accent the Ikea cabinets nicely. It’s the prettiest room in the house!

    I spend a lot more time, tho, in my living room, because it has 7 windows and a TV!

    Have a nice day!

  293.  #293Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:47 am

    CCarter from what I understand based it guys being immature and looking for things like lines that will work. However, I am not sure that techniques are bad. If you want to win in anything you would study what works to get that win and do that. I believe it is actually a wise choice. Just like using the kind of communication that works with men.

  294.  #294Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Also no need to cut him off. Just live your life and do what you do to try and forget about focussing on him. Actually he is not really in your life unless you live with him. So for me it is pointless to even think of cutting him off. When he comes forward again you get to choose if you want to connect.

  295.  #295T-Girl on March 13, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Yesterday I took a mini break from the blog because I guess I was a little upset about one of the comments I received after posting about J saving for my wedding ring which then started a little discussion about statistics. I don’t know why it drained me so much, maybe its my emotional week. Or the fact that I was just so excited I wanted to share with my blog girlfriends and then I got my bubble burst a bit. Deep down I still know that I have a good man and the relationship I want. It is going somewhere and continually growing and I am the happiest I have ever been.

    I did skim and see some positive comments to me from Butterfly Wings, Silver Moon Beam and Goodheart and thank you so much for those. I’m sorry if there were more but I just haven’t gone back to reread.

    I appreciate you all so much. β™₯

  296.  #296Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 6:56 am


    RE: #283 – Wow, what discipline! That’s a fantastic eating plan!

  297.  #297Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 7:06 am

    @292 & 293 Feminine Woman – Thanks for the insight. you have such a way of making me feel calmer!

    I read a bunch of the techniques that he uses and every time I see him using a technique with me, it just makes me feel mad and want to shut down.

    (an example of this would be when he picks up my hand like he’s going to hold it and then just drops it and walks away.)

    I should just use feeling messages when he does stuff like that, but I always feel too thrown off my base and speechless when he does it.

    I need to stop obsessing.

    This isn’t worth it.

  298.  #298Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 7:12 am

    @290 Feminine Woman – awww, I missed that somehow but just read it and it felt so encouraging and good to read! Thank you!

  299.  #299Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Hi Brenda!

    Your whole house sounds so pretty! I’m happy you feel at home and comfy there!

    EC’s house is about 100 years old and was badly “renovated” in the 70s or so. I don’t know why but the people who used to live there before seemed to think that putting a double ceiling was cool. Like seriously, the exposed beams are so much better!

    So he is slowly changing everything, although he hasn’t done anything so far this winter.

  300.  #300Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 7:23 am

    It’s so dark today, feels like the perfect day to go shopping for lamps.

  301.  #301Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Seriously feeling oxytocin withdrawal symptoms.

  302.  #302Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Need to feel thankful even though I feel grumpy…


    Today, I feel thankful for the warm sunshine. It has felt extra inviting since the time change.

    I feel thankful for my dinner plans tonight with some dear friends, old and new. I feel excited about them!

    I feel so excited about my dear friend’s wedding this weekend. I have a beautiful green dress to wear that looks absolutely amazing on me and I am thankful for it! I feel excited to meet new people, maybe even some new CDs. πŸ™‚

    I feel thankful for SeenmecryCD. He doesn’t use any “techniques” and I love that about him! Just naturally adorable…hehe.

    I feel thankful for all the guys who goof off with me on facebook.

    I feel thankful for YoungerthanmeCD, because his texts always make me feel smiley and young and giggly.

    I feel thankful for my health. That I can run. That I can feel warmth. Warmth feels so good. It feels healing. It feels like I’m alive…

    I feel thankful for my family in all of their loving, healing, dysfunctional healing. They are truly wonderful people…

    I feel thankful for the new pretty art on my wall…

    I feel thankful for fresh baby spinach, tossed in olive oil and garlic salt, sprinkled with cheese.

    I feel thankful for music and that I have access to so much music every day.

    I feel thankful for my IPOD.

    I feel thankful for my girlfriends that have moved away. I miss them so much sometimes, but I feel thankful that it’s easier to keep in touch these days…

    I feel thankful for helpful sirens like Feminine Woman and Lizka!

    I feel thankful for ALL sirens.

    I feel thankful that I AM a siren!

    I feel thankful for the power I have as a woman!

    I feel thankful that no man can ever take that away from me…

  303.  #303Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 7:37 am

    @299 Francesca – I love that sentence! Feels optimistic and funny. πŸ™‚

  304.  #304Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 7:37 am

    I want a smoothie and a chick movie. Oh yeah, and something else too.

  305.  #305Kristine on March 13, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Hi, did anyone watch the last episode of the Bachelor last night? It was amazing to see the night and day difference between the two women. The one who followed Rori’s principles and the one who didn’t, and the effect it had on the Bachelor. The Bachelor ended up proposing marriage to the woman who leaned back and spoke her feelings…she was so soft, open, feminine and not afraid to be vulnerable. He did all the talking and pursuing. On the other hand, the other woman whom he didn’t pick had a hard shell, was leaning forward, pouncing on him and talking more, always telling him what she thought and what she wanted to happen between them. It was sad in a way that she didn’t see how she was emasculating him. I just kept thinking about Rori’s message through the whole thing and how letting the man lead really works with men. Awesome! I hope Rori writes an article about it. It would be great to hear her analysis.


  306.  #306Zara on March 13, 2012 at 7:51 am

    12:Β Iamabutterfly

    Your aura shines through your words.

  307.  #307Zara on March 13, 2012 at 7:56 am

    35 Siren Angel

    Food for Thoughtβ€”Healing Foods to Savor

  308.  #308T-Girl on March 13, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Kristine, I totally agree with you. She always had the attitude that she was the prize and was very feminine and leaned back. Yes, she has some issues but I think she gets it.

  309.  #309Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 8:06 am

    RE 296 “I always feel too thrown off my base and speechless when he does it” sounds like a great feeling message to use to get your messaqe across.

  310.  #310Mel on March 13, 2012 at 8:07 am


    How does one avoid being drawn into a negative energy exchange? Just leave?

  311.  #311Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

    You can leave yes or you can change the subject. I don’t want to …………………. and change the subject.

  312.  #312Silver Moonbeam on March 13, 2012 at 8:36 am

    #283 Memulo

    If you are 5′ 6″ and 120 lbs, you must be EXTREMELY slim………….I am only 1″ taller than you and a LOT heavier than you. πŸ™

  313.  #313Jilly on March 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Goodmorning Sirens πŸ™‚

    Turquoise…wow…I feel so impressed with how you are transforming through all of this ….feels great to see…feels softer and warmer

    T-Girl…I feel happy for you πŸ™‚

    Kristine…yes I watched it last night and those last two dates were like night and day…I felt sick to my stomach when Lindzi wouldn’t stop talking…like “NOOOOO”…and then after the rose Courtney stayed soft yet spoke her feelings honestly…

  314.  #314Hopeful on March 13, 2012 at 8:46 am


    I am thinking about you and hope things go your way.

  315.  #315Starla on March 13, 2012 at 8:52 am

    (((((((((((Siren Angel))))))))))))

  316.  #316Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Awww, Mel et al, CF wrote back to my email where I cleared up what I had said to him in person the day before about not wanting to have sex until we are engaged. I wanted to revise it to “I MIGHT not want to have sex until we’re engaged,” because honestly it’s hard to say, we’re not even at the “L word exchange” point, and I told him that pigeon holing my sexuality into a timeline in either extreme feels really uncomfortable to me. My letter was very not blamey and just me sharing, and I felt so good when I sent it. Thanks, Mel, for the great example! I feel grateful that you post here. You are such a healthy siren. So here’s his lovely response:

    “Oh, Starla… you continue to amaze me with your wonderfulness :):):) thank you very much for the clarification. I’m totally willing to work with any timeframe, even an unknown one; I care soooo much about you, and it’s never been contingent on… y’know, sex. Granted, sex with you is freaking amazing. But in the interest of forging a long-term, lasting relationship, it would be silly for us to force it if we’re not ready… and that time will come when it comes. Until then, I’ll just cook you dinner and rub your back and kiss you all over and hold you and just generally enjoy this fantastic woman I’ve come to know, Ms. Starla [Last Name redacted for privacy] πŸ˜€

    And I’m gonna call you in ten minutes if I don’t hear from ya… gotta make sure the monster awakens ;)”

    awwwww. it feels so good reading that he is interested in forging a long term relationship. that is what i want, too! i mean we have talked about this already, but it feels good to read it. and i like his unsolicited mention that he would still be the same CF to me even without sex.

  317.  #317Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I seriously hate dating. Like this one man has a doctorate in chemical engineering. Great. Wonderful. I feel thankful for once I am attracting someone who is not an alcoholic, drug addict, or on disability.

    He is calling me now, and I feel so stressed.

  318.  #318Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Brenda, breathe, drop into your pelvis, expand sideways, open up, breaaathe….

  319.  #319Mel on March 13, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Awwww! That’s awesome Miss Starla! That felt so heartwarming to read! πŸ™‚

  320.  #320Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Mel, why is my honey turning into sugar?

  321.  #321Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Brenda, a phd sounds perfect for you. you’re extremely intelligent and need a man who can at least pretend to be the smarter one:P

    he’s going to just eat you up. smart AND soft and feeling and feminine.

    put a soft pillow in your lap and just relax when he calls:)

  322.  #322Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Windows is telling me that there are updates to be done to my pc but somehow, something is blocking them from being completed.

    I thought it was because of my antivirus so I turned it off but no, updates still unsucessful.

    Anyone here can tell me what the problem is?


  323.  #323Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Francesca, did you change your proxy connection settings in IE by chance? that will prevent automatic downloads and other stuff.

  324.  #324Mel on March 13, 2012 at 9:24 am


    Honey that has not been pasteurized (heat-treated) will crystallize over time. As the water from the honey starts to evaporate, crystals start to form. This process is sped-up if the honey is also unfiltered as there are teeny bits of pollen and wax that act as “seeds” for the crystals.

    Unpasteurized, unfiltered honey is preferable, from a health perspective because it contains healthy enzymes and pollens which are good for you. Heating kills beneficial enzymes, and filtering removes the pollen.

    If you want to prevent crystallization, put your honey in the freezer when it is still liquid and it will not crystallize. It will turn a creamy color, but that doesn’t affect the taste. If your honey is already crystallized, you can put the jar in a bit of hot water to re-liquify it. This may destroy the enzymes though.

    Personally, I just eat it crystallized. It will “melt” into my tea and toast just the same! πŸ™‚

  325.  #325Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Starla, I don’t think I changed anything or if I did, it was by accident.

    Where do I change the proxy connection exactly?

  326.  #326Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:27 am

    the local raw honey i buy never crystallizes…even after a year or two. is that weird?

  327.  #327Mel on March 13, 2012 at 9:27 am


    Can you help me ride-out this “funk” of his without leaning forward? LOL

  328.  #328Mel on March 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

    That is weird Starla… that tells me that it has likely been heat treated.

  329.  #329Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I’m a little late with these comments, buuuut

    @272 Siren Angel – I somehow missed your comment before. Thank you so much for your support!!

    @273 Feminine Woman – I really, really, REALLY needed to read this. Thank you!

  330.  #330Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Mel @ 323

    “If your honey is already crystallized, you can put the jar in a bit of hot water to re-liquify it.”

    Thank you, Mel, that’s exactly what I did because it crystallized and I put it into a different jar (it was in a plastic container before). It’s starting to crystallize again so I will put it in the fridge now.

    I don’t mind it being crystallized either, it’s still good. I was just wondering.

  331.  #331Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

    @ 305 Thank you, Zora. I want to get back to that place!

    @ 308 Feminine Woman – thanks yet again. You are so helpful!

  332.  #332Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Mel, it’s this –

    Francesca, go into your window’s control panel. click internet options. then click the connections tab. then click the LAN settings button. None of those check boxes should be checked. Let me know if this helps.

  333.  #333Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

    The guy that wrote me the other night and it was confusing and all? He had sent me a picture of his penis. Am I supposed to be impressed? It didn’t come thru today and he re-sent it today. Thrill thrill.

    How empty.

  334.  #334Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Mel 326 – i think you’re doing a nice job riding it out and i love your plan to take care of your girl…

    we do have to give our partners free passes for the occasional bad or grumpy day. I am actually not so kind about that, but the more and more CF gives ME passes, the more inspired I feel to return the favor. He is patient for dating a spoiled brat (me, I mean) who likes to get cranky and sad but can’t stand it when her man does, lol…

    You could always tell him, “Mr. A, I know you weren’t in the happiest of moods last night, but if you’re feeling better, it would feel SO GOOD to celebrate my new contract. What do you think?”

  335.  #335Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

    lol brenda, i don’t understand guys who send pics of their d*ngs.

  336.  #336Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I’m sitting here at my desk crying at work and I don’t care that I’m crying at work even though I normally feel embarassed to cry at work and it feels soooooo good to cry.

    It’s okay to cry.
    I feel a lot of pain inside.
    There is no reason not to cry.
    There is no shame in crying.
    I feel beautiful and vulnerable and fearless when I cry.
    I feel stronger after I cry, after I let all the pain go.

    Did you know that crying is your body’s way of releasing stress hormones?

    I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

    My negative voices are telling me that no man is ever going to pick me.

    I feel so panicky and shaky.
    I feel betrayed by a close friend.
    I feel betrayed by several close friends.

    I feel stuck inside my body.
    I want to get out of here and fly.

    I feel the sadness moving.
    From my pretty head, flowing down my precious face into my neck, my shoulders, my arms, all the way down to my fingertips typing this…

    I love my tears.
    I love my past.
    I love my brokenness.

    It’s going to be okay.

    Me, in all of these tears and sad messiness, she is going to be okay.

    Someday, she is going to be completely healed!

    Someday, she’ll have more strength.

    It’s okay, baby girl.

    I’ll be your strength.

    Lean on me.

    I am Your rock.

  337.  #337Starla on March 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Mel, if you don’t mind me copying your style;), I am going to ask my girl what she wants today, too, and give it to her:)

  338.  #338Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I can’t stop crying…it feels soooo good. I’ve been holding it in too long….

  339.  #339Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Brenda – it sounds like you know enough about this guy and you don’t need to give him second or third chance, if you don’t want to.

    I feel curious why you think he would have known in advance that the restaurant was closed. That sounds like you think he/people are plotting against you to make you unhappy.

    But I also think it shows something about him that he didn’t find a new restaurant to take you to, and instead you had a “date” on a park bench. I, personally, would not be that impressed….

  340.  #340Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I made it clear with Mr. Chemical Engineer that I am not wanting to move too fast or relate sexually without getting to know him.

    He asked me to text him some photos. He wanted more. I said no. He asked me to take one please. I texted I feel pressured.

    There were already 4 pics on my profile. He said I have a nice cleavage. I suppose I shouldn’t let that bother me, since I sent him one with a cleavage. But come on. I just feel seriously shut down to new men. Maybe I should just stay single. They seem so simple. I feel like pushing them over. I think maybe I have lost respect for men in general after so many bad first dates.

  341.  #341Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Just to clarify, I did text him 4 photos before he asked for more, in addition to the 4 on my profile.

  342.  #342Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

    @ Brenda – I feel soooo proud of you. You have come such a long way! If you don’t like a man making a comment about your cleavage, then that’s completely okay! I personally feel threatened when men who don’t know me make comments about my body. Even though I know they are trying to help me feel good about myself, it makes me feel like a piece of meat, and since there is PLENTY of meat out there, it makes me feel cheap.

    I wouldn’t shut down to him just yet. Just tell him how that comment made you feel…

    If he’s a good man, he WILL respect your boundaries…

  343.  #343Mel on March 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

    So phase 1 of “baby-Mel” day is accomplished. I bought myself a healthy lunch and a raspberry mojito cupcake for dessert!

    Friend with BEEnefits is texting me to see what kind of tea I want tonight and says he’s so excited to get together.

    Not sure what’s up with Mr. A… but that’s his stuff. I can be understanding and give him a free pass for sure! What I don’t want to do is mother him or make it my mission to help him feel better. That’s not my job, but totally what I would have done in the past. I’m not letting my NVs tell me that it’s somehow my fault, or that it’s something I’ve done.

    So I’m just not going to worry about it. I’ve made plans to treat my girl and have some fun. And he can take some space if he needs it to recoup and get his energy back.

  344.  #344Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:00 am


    RE: #338 – “Brenda – it sounds like you know enough about this guy and you don’t need to give him second or third chance, if you don’t want to.”

    Thanks for your feedback. I am not clear then on CDing…I thought the idea was to date anyone and everyone for experience? I don’t want to marry any of the men who have responded to my ad. I am that selective. I just feel like curling up in a hole and crying. I don’t want to date, and I don’t want to be single.

    “I feel curious why you think he would have known in advance that the restaurant was closed. That sounds like you think he/people are plotting against you to make you unhappy.”

    He grew up right in that area. I would think he would know. So I just wondered if he set it up there so he could not have to pay for a date. My experience has been that many men try to creep in your home from the start so they don’t have to pay for dates and so they can get straight in my panties. He had originally asked if we could meet at my house. I had told him I like to meet at a public place at least the first time.

    “But I also think it shows something about him that he didn’t find a new restaurant to take you to, and instead you had a β€œdate” on a park bench. I, personally, would not be that impressed….”

    He suggested the park, saying, “unless you have any ideas.” Since I have learned to let the man plan, and I either say yes or no, I went with it, even tho I had any number of other ideas. There are many restaurants and bars in the area.

  345.  #345Starla on March 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Brenda, not that anyone can blame you, but you seem to be on a hair trigger looking for red flags or reasons not to like these guys.

    if the cleavage comment made you feel weird, just say NEXT.

    and if the guys are pressuring for pics (they often do), just feel flattered if you can. “ohhh hehe i feel flattered you want to see more and more of me, and i feel so bogged down like i’m stuck in cyber land exchanging lots of photos and conversation. it would feel soo much better to just get together and go from there — what do you think?

  346.  #346Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 10:02 am

    I feel like as I evolve and change into a more wonderful woman, the men who pursue me evolve and change…

    It feels so good to grow…

  347.  #347Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

    @344 Starla – love that feeling message suggestion!

  348.  #348Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 10:06 am

    @343 Brenda – This feels so vulnerable and beautiful and honest and I COMPLETELY relate to it.

    “I just feel like curling up in a hole and crying. I don’t want to date, and I don’t want to be single.”

    You are being brave by putting yourself out there and I am proud of you!

  349.  #349Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 10:06 am

    It’s lunch time and I’ve been doing pretty good in thoughts lean back so far.

    Go go go Lizka you can do even better!

  350.  #350Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:10 am


    RE: #334 – I told this guy I feel weird. He just emailed me apologizing for sending it, saying he didn’t intend to send it. I asked him why he sent it if he didn’t intend to send it. I just feel all around turned off. And he has yet to send me a face shot. So I don’t know if I’ll meet this one or not. Depends on how he handles things.

    I just feel almost nauseated as I am forcing myself to contact these men. Ryan’s sensitivity and intelligence were such a turn-on to me, even tho he left me feeling neglected. So I feel like I don’t want to be around him but I don’t want to be around any other man. He has spoiled me for any other man. But don’t worry, I will NOT go back to him unless he gets some serious healing and comes to me to make amends. That relationship was so hurtful I was coming unglued.

  351.  #351Starla on March 13, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Brenda, eh, definitely just ignore the p*nis guy from now on. lol. what a tard. pardon my judgment. a little judgment is okay, i say. we’re divas, afterall.

  352.  #352Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 10:14 am

    @349 ((((Brenda)))) – “Ryan’s sensitivity and intelligence were such a turn-on to me, even tho he left me feeling neglected. So I feel like I don’t want to be around him but I don’t want to be around any other man.”

    This shows that you are still healing. You truly cared about Ryan, but DON’T HOLD ONTO HIM. You want someone who REALLY WANTS YOU! YOU ARE WORTH THAT AND THE MAN WHO WILL TRULY WANT YOU WILL BE WORTH SOMETHING BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU!

    Sorry if my “yelling” felt harsh. I meant it to feel lovingly powerful…

  353.  #353Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:17 am


    RE: #344 – Thank you! Perfect feeling message! Yes, that is exactly what I was feeling, and I will use that.

    Yes, I am looking for red flags. I’m scared to death of dating. I feel safe in my lonely little house. I feel scared getting near a man. I feel their energy, and most often it is not compatible with mine.

    Maybe I don’t want to date. Maybe I need more time to heal. I am not sure which is better for me. Maybe I should just take some time to lose weight.

    Mr. Chemical is foreign, and I feel scared of that, too. I have been hurt by foreigners, and I don’t trust them because they typically have a different world view. I want to hide.

  354.  #354Starla on March 13, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Ladies, I ordered a dress from Body Central (thanks to the siren who posted a link to there — great affordable stuff!), in L because I always wear a large and the sizing guide said I should buy a L. But it is so big on me! I have to send it back! Starla is a Medium! Woohoo! I’ve always looked fairly small, but it’s a bit of an illusion because of my short stature and my proportioned curves. Buying clothes that feel like they fit great has always been a challenge, and my friends are always shocked that I need a L or XL, but now I’m a Medium, baby!

  355.  #355Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:23 am


    Thank you! Yes, I am definitely still healing. And, yes, I definitely want a man who will make me top priority in his life. I feel like I am starving emotionally after knowing Ryan 3 years.

  356.  #356Starla on March 13, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Brenda, if you’re not feeling ready for dating, maybe just start small, with coffee/tea dates. keep them to 1-1.5 hours and practice the tools. Not just the tools with how to talk and act, but the tools of sinking into yourself, rooting down, expanding sideways, all that.

    this is actually what i mostly do when I CD. I feel a little overwhelmed going to bigdealdates with guys that aren’t CF. I’d like to heal that, though, but I feel guilty cuz I know I like CF better and don’t want the CDs spending 100s of dollars on me.

  357.  #357Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:29 am


    RE: #347 – Thank you! Yeah, I’m trying. Half tempted to remove my profile, tho, LOL!

  358.  #358Starla on March 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

    my girl wants a burger for lunch. she needs iron and a real lunch out. nomnomnom be back soon

  359.  #359Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 10:34 am


    355 – Thank you. Maybe I will. Let me be perfectly candid: My number one criteria for a man is that he is a Christian. I WILL NOT marry a man unless he is.

    When I place strictly Christian ads, naturally, I get few dates. So I placed one Christian profile on a Christian dating site. And I placed a generic profile on Craigslist.

    I am getting a ton of responses on craigslist, and I got one response on the Christian site. It is from a pastor in Aruba.

    So inside I am debating if I want to continue getting things going with men who I know I will never marry in a hundred years. I want practice, but, like you, I don’t want them spending hundreds of dollars on me. I feel conflicted. Plus I don’t feel attracted to any of them because of them not being Christians.

  360.  #360Starla on March 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Brenda, did you ever try eHarmony. I believe they match on religion.

    There’s nothing wrong with looking exclusively for Christian men. It is your spirituality and it means more to you than anything.

  361.  #361Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Ohhhhh, Ladies, I feel SOOOOOO sad πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™

    It is raining today, and I woke up with just kind of an “off” feeling – like something wasn’t right, and I wasn’t sure what. I tried doing some “energy” work before I got out of bed, because I just didn’t want to start my day with that feeling, but it didn’t really change anything. And then I checked my email…

    OM responded to my message about not running away and facing my fears, saying that he “doesn’t think it will work out,” based on “personality differences.” And wishing me good luck.

    That feels sooooo harsh and painful to read. I feel like I am being rejected for something that isn’t even my fault. And I haven’t even had the chance to express myself fully or even let him know really how I feel….

    Yet at this point, what can I do?

    If a man has made a decision, then what information could I give him that would change his mind? Clearly my “issues” around sex are too big for him to deal with. Or else my reaction did what I feared – it made him feel rejected for trying to please me. And that feels bad. Because it’s not actually what happened. Or if it is what happened, then that’s not my fault either, because these icky feelings around sex and intimacy are NOT MY FAULT. He said he wanted to understand. He said he wasn’t “a dick” who would sleep with a woman and then leave her. And yet, that is exactly what he is doing…I want to feel angry, but instead, I just feel sad, sad, sad, sad, sad. He is abandoning me when I am hurting, and when I need love and affection and caring the most, ever. All I can do is give myself that love and affection now. But it feels kinda worthless now. Like, what’s the point? I had an intention to not abandon myself, and to be open to intimacy with this guy, even if it was scary – like Dominique said.

    And yet, he is rejecting me, based on – what? Incomplete information. A lack of understanding. And really, I don’t know what else.

    I was all prepared to sink into my feelings, to relax and let it go, and just see what happened. And now – this is what has happened. I don’t know if I can deal with this. I don’t know if I want to. It seems too challenging, too painful, and too wrong. It is just so unfair to me. How could I be so open and vulnerable? I thought he appreciated my vulnerability and wanted to care for me and nurture me.

    Instead he has overwhelmed me, flooded me with information that my body and mind just could not handle. Now he is starving me, drying me out, and discarding me.

    I feel discarded.

    I feel like trash. Like garbage. LIke something – a flower that has died and is worthless and brown and now he is throwing me out.

    That is what I feel like.

    I am so sad……

    I don’t know who to call and ask for help. I feel lost. πŸ™

  362.  #362Mel on March 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Hugs Tiffany!!

  363.  #363Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

    (((tiffany))) so sorry to hear you are going though these emotions right now.

  364.  #364Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

    There is also christian cafe and

  365.  #365Starla on March 13, 2012 at 11:41 am


  366.  #366Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Tiffany just in case you might accept this. You might wish to agree with him. That is surrendering. You might also wish to talk to him about what you suspect you might have experienced in the past. Or find some other man that you can share these intimate details with. I say that because I came close to be raped by a family member in my teenage years and I was also molested as a young child by a neighbor. Those things were secrets that I held for years and realized recently that I used it to shut down part of myself. I chose to share that with a cd recently. I had to share it in bits and pieces over about 3 conversations but he was very understanding and ended up explaining to me how passionate he was against men who do that kind of thing to children.

  367.  #367Starla on March 13, 2012 at 11:46 am

    My little girl wanted a burger at her favorite restaurant, and she wanted to sit down and eat it there. I’m always getting it to go. So I took her there, and we studied Chinese together and then brainstormed fun or nice feeling things to do together, armed with a purple pen and a stack of post-it notes.

    She said she wants someone to paint her toenails. And that she wants someone to do the dishes for her, cuz they’re mucking up the kitchen. And that she wants a backrub.

    I told her we could do all this. And that I have a massage chair at home I always forget about that we could sit in while we paint her toenails.

    She also told me she feels bad that I keep forgetting to give her water throughout the day.

  368.  #368Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Thank you for hugs! πŸ™

    My stomach just feels sick – in knots. I am not hungry. Haven’t eaten all day. Only coffee and hot chocolate…

    I am doing the tapping again to try and help.

    I don’t know what to dooooo….:(

  369.  #369Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Tiffany, can you do the wave and emotions tool right now? Can you sink into your feelings and let the wave hit you and feel your boyancy there that makes you safe to feel all this?

  370.  #370Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Tiffany, or drop to your knees and feel it all, let it all out, until you have gobe through it and start getting bored.

  371.  #371Daria on March 13, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Hmm the hundreds of dollars thingy sounds like a worthy of receiving issue.

    Like maybe it’s possible to give these men the gift of receiving… Them getting to spend this money makes them better givers and women better receivers

    I feel so tense around money on dates sometimes

    Still feel pist about last nites date and the little attitude

  372.  #372Starla on March 13, 2012 at 11:50 am


  373.  #373Starla on March 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Tiffany, you GOTTA eat a little something. seeeeeriously.

  374.  #374Goodheart on March 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Tiffany, ((HUGS))). It’s never worthless to give yourself love and attention. You deserve it & it always starts with you.

    We will give you love & attention too.

    This is just guy, one stepping stone, on your path to the right one.

  375.  #375Goodheart on March 13, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    PS Go ahead & step on ‘im. Squash that sucker!

  376.  #376Starla on March 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    my little girl also wants to light candles all over the house tonight :):):)

  377.  #377Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    By the way Brenda I met several christians on POF even the specific brand that I am a part of. I have to admit also that some time ago you wrote a comment and I copied and tweaked it a bit “Is willing to share about deep issues, values family and a deep lasting relationship with God” and added it to my profile.

    To me this is just a block you are using to cling to what you don’t have. The more you interact with people the greater possibility and chances you are giving to yourself to open up. My belief is that if you can’t open in one area you won’t be able to open in another. You might get the person you really want and come up to some similar block. People are people and our little neighborhoods is not “all there is”.

  378.  #378Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Goodheart you are funny, you have me laughing. I hope your comment distracts Tiffany from the sinking feelings. It reminds me of how Rori talks about sitting on the floor feeling dejected because of her husband’s neglect and how seeing a ball of hair on the floor had her bursting out into giggles in the next instant.

  379.  #379Goodheart on March 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    FW – that makes me smile πŸ™‚

    Humor has gotten me through so much.

  380.  #380Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Starla re 332

    Thanks! One of the box was checked.

    I’m trying the updates right now. Will let you know if it’s working.

  381.  #381Starla on March 13, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Humor is my salvation

  382.  #382Starla on March 13, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    my little girl says she wants a tibetan singing bowl.

    jeez, girl, demanding much? hehe

  383.  #383Iamabutterfly on March 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm


  384.  #384Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 12:38 pm


    I wish I knew what to say to you.

    Well, I do know but it’s all very generic stuff, all sorts of clichΓ©s.

    That’s not what you want to hear, though.

    I’m really sorry you’re going thru that.

  385.  #385Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Starla, what’s a tibetan singing bowl?

  386.  #386Starla on March 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    that is a huge one in the picture. i want one that i can hold in my hand, haha.

  387.  #387Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

  388.  #388Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Oh yes, it’s nice.

    I like the small one in the picture.

    Keep asking for it, maybe one day you’ll get one as a gift! πŸ™‚

  389.  #389Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Oh and thank you for helping me before!

    The updates were successully installed! Yay!

  390.  #390Starbright on March 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Sirens, I uploaded a new photo to a dating site and now I am getting some new guys contacting me. I could really use some help in a sireny response to this one:

    “omg that new photo is so pretty. I will marry you”

    Any thoughts?

  391.  #391Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Ok, so we went to shop for lamps and that’s all we did. All in all, we spent about 45 minutes together.

    He came to pick me up and he was all serious, not talking much (he usually has a motor mouth). I asked him if he was in a hurry and he said yes, he had to get back to the house at 3pm to watch this show on tv.

    I swear, his life revolves around the 3 o’clock show!

    I was amused but disappointed at the same time, I just thought he would stay a little longer and we could do other stuff but since it wasn’t discussed before, I just let it go.

    After all, he did say he wanted to go shop for lamps.

    I guess I just let him lead this time for sure.

  392.  #392Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Thank you, thank you! I am curious, Siren Angel – what is the “wave” tool? Is there more too it than what you described? ….

  393.  #393Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    “hehe that feels good to read. Thank you.”

    No need to feel intimidated Starbright he is a stranger and has no immediate contact to you. You get to decide even if you want to give him your number. Those are just words on a screen. No need to feel intimidated or turned off by them.

  394.  #394Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm


    Just tell the truth how you feel

    “ohh i feel flattered reading that:)”

    “oh i feel my face getting all blushy reading that”

  395.  #395Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Francesca, I’m just curious, what show is it?

  396.  #396Starbright on March 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm


    I was feeling all blushy! Thanks for writing that in a feeling message! I feel all smiley!


  397.  #397lk on March 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    @starla cd has like a 3 gallon one & when it goes you can feel it huge in the whole house ! wow ! i like it !

  398.  #398lk on March 13, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    & now i guess maybe it is ” ours ” ? i feel nervous saying that, like “stealing” or something… it’s Not Mine, says my baby voice… she’s a wimp. it’s partly mine (maybe) says the bxtchy 14 year old. she’s selfish, says my 20 year old. my 30 year old is like, ” it’s breakable ! ” lol she is sooo lame & xnal about everything. that’s the 14 year old again. i don’t want to own breakable things that i share because i don’t want to make Them cry. baby. now i think it’s not anyone’s. it’s a singing bowl & it’s in Our Home.

  399.  #399Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Starla, it’s a French show “Le volcan tranquille”. It takes place during the Second World War. He likes stuff like that.

    It’s actually reruns, he has seen it before and so have I.

  400.  #400Starbright on March 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm


    Thank-you! I did feel a bit of not trusting hIm coming into the mix. And yet, I want to stay in that good and soft space of just receiving it. If anything else happens beyond this that would feel good too. How one answers in the beginning seems to make such a big difference!

  401.  #401Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Wow – FW, thank you for being so brave to share that on the blog! I feel awed and inspired by you. That was just the push and encouragement I needed to share an email with him that I’d been composing, describing my experience. I supported his decision (in surrender mode, as you say). And I feel nervous to have sent it. But at least I now feel as if I have given him the accurate information about me that is true. And also, I don’t feel that i am “manipulating” him or dropping hints about wanting him to call me so I can tell him. The information is all out there. And if he wants to call me, then he can. It is up to him. I feel much better now, because at least I have said (most of) what I needed to say. For now…

    And now I feel okay to eat some food.

    (gurbly tummy)

  402.  #402Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    awww, brave lk. you can do this. you do WANT to do this, right?

  403.  #403Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    my little girl says she doesn’t want any visitors that will make her feel like she has to entertain tonight.

    i am really liking listening to my little girl when i can. and i’m the grown up in charge so i can always say “no sweetie, not right now…”

  404.  #404Starla on March 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Yay Tiffany, go get yourself some food and send lots of love to yourself and just let go

  405.  #405Coco Kisses on March 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    To respond to the subject of this post, I truly feel that I couldn’t be with someone for 3 years and not have something secure…this is me. Sounds to me that this woman needs to really evaluate what she wants, and her expecations.

    Updates on Me:

    I feel sexy today. I wore a purple cashmere cowl neck blouse that just made me feel beautiful today. I got so many compliments. I even got hit on by this really attractive guy. The spa I work for was vending at a health fair, and as we were packing up, he asked me if he coiuld help me put my hings in my car, and I said yes, that would feel great! His eyes just lit up, as he went to help me. Then as he closed the trunk of my car, I looked at him and said that really felt great to have you help me. He said, anything for you….I smiled him, this encounter helped me to feel sexy, and desirable again. I feel really good. I could tell that I my feeling statements really reached his masculine energy πŸ™‚

  406.  #406Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Yay Coco Kisses πŸ™‚

  407.  #407Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Yay my day is working out well.. I LOVE receiving… i love noticing my pull towards certain stuff and then creating a new vision and ritual of myself around that… mmm i love this me

  408.  #408Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    im creating what i watn!

    all cuz i decided to shower!

  409.  #409Daria on March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    :: “What Happened?!” ::

    A crying child runs into the house from outside,
    seeking comfort. The well-meaning parent’s first
    words: “What happened?!”

    This common reaction is one of many subtle ways we
    teach our children values that we ourselves never
    consciously chose…

    * What happened (the past) is more important than
    what’s happening now (the present).

    * Reason is more important than emotions. You can’t
    simply have a feeling; you have to explain *why*.

    * Things happen TO you. You don’t create your own

    A few decades later, this child will be reading Daily
    Groove messages reminding her to stay *present*, that
    feelings *are* important, and that we *do* create our
    own experiences! πŸ™‚

    The next time you’re about to ask your child what
    happened, decide instead to be still — to be fully
    present with your child, appreciate his or her
    emotional journey, and enjoy the feeling of

    ** Additional insights about this Groove are posted

  410.  #410Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    That was a nice day. I feel smiley. But exhausted again, I think I’ll do some chores quick quick and go to sleep right after dinner again. That felt so good last night!

  411.  #411Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    That was a nice day. I feel smiley. But exhausted again, I think I’ll do some chores quick quick and go to sleep right after dinner again. That felt so good last night!

  412.  #412lk on March 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    i want to go SLOW. i like slowness. it feels so easy ! i want to say, this is still His House… & slowly we Share… & it is *becoming* Our Home, because that is what we have decided we both want & that will make us happy…. but, still, we can move slowly : ) & it feels safe because we are taking good Babysteps toward the Forever relationship we both want & feeling happy & loved…. slowly : )

  413.  #413Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Sounds exciting, Coco Kisses!

  414.  #414Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Ok, I have to ask (I thought I would have figured it out by now but not sure I have): what does NVs stand for? Nerves?

  415.  #415Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Awwwww lk I am feeling so happy that you are moving in with CD πŸ™‚ You truly deserve it and I feel sooooo inspired by you and your story with him!!!

    Hi Siren Angel!

  416.  #416Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Siren Angel,

    NVs = Negative Voices

    or Nagging Voices, as I sometimes call them.

  417.  #417Starla on March 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    NV = nasty voice

  418.  #418Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Thank you again for all the hugs and well wishes. After some food, and a small nap, I do feel better.

    And I realize that maybe, just maybe, he was not the guy for me. (or I knew that already). The right guy for me would feel compassion for me in this situation. The right guy would not have pushed me beyond my limits when I was tired. The right guy would have stopped when I said “no” the first time. And the right guy DEFINITELY would not be dropping me like this, citing “personality differences,” when there is so much more to the story – and so much more to me.

    The Right Guy would realize how precious and valuable I am and wouldn’t think of dropping me for a second. The Right Guy would feel AWFUL for putting me into a situation that made me feel bad – even if it felt good to him at the time. The Right Guy would never, ever, EVER blame me for what happened. And the Right Guy would definitely not be seeking his own pleasure over mine.

    Bottom line: the Right Guy would have waited for the Right Time (and my permission).

    He is clearly NOT the right guy….

    Boo OM. You S8ck.

    Now go suck on THAT.


  419.  #419Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Siren Angel

    NVs = Nasty Voices!

  420.  #420Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    @Daria #409 – that’s interesting!

    Makes me think…maybe instead of asking “what happened?” we could ask “what’s happening?”

    Active tense…

  421.  #421Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    So ladies…. I’m thinking my ex may be the king of mixed messages.

    He emailed me at work today to let me know he thinks he’ll have enough credit card points for airline tickets to Orlando this Christmas and said he’d just have to save up for the hotel, food, toys, etc. at Disney.

    He RARELY emails me. I got one yesterday also.

    But that isn’t the mixed message part. I had told him I’m saving to take the girls to Disney next Spring and even when he was trying to talk me into letting him pay off my credit card, he said I could use my extra money towards Disney.

    I emailed him back and said,

    But I was planning to take them in the spring. πŸ™
    Then a few min. later I emailed again and wrote:

    I’m sorry, I don’t want to take away from your excitement and I know they’ll be thrilled. I just feel a little deflated as it won’t be as special to go with me just a few months later. I’m happy for you though and they really will be thrilled.

    He didn’t email me back, which… he had replied to an email I sent him 2 weeks ago from an account he told me he rarely checks, so I figured he just hadn’t gotten them yet. But, I had to leave the office for work about an hour later so I just called him. He sounded really happy to hear my voice and I explained my emails. He said he hadn’t booked anything yet, and maybe we could work it out so I went too and paid for the hotel or something. He went on to say how nice it is there at Christmas, and sounded really happy about the idea. I said that would be wonderful and I felt excited thinking about it.

    Now, he doesn’t want me to read into him lending me the money that it means something more, but he wants to plan a family vacation at Christmas, which is still 9 months away? The place where he proposed to me? How am I going to NOT think it means more. Oh sirens, I’d love for us to go, I want to go, the girls would also love for us all to go…. but it’s going to be really hard to not get my hopes up between now and then. I’ve imagined him proposing to me again, in the same way he did the first time. I’ve sent that thought out to the universe…..I don’t want to bring up anything serious, we had two of those talks in a week…. that feels like plenty. More might feel like pressure.

    Just lean back right?

    Am I crazy here to be feeling happy feelings????

  422.  #422Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Oh no, Starla and Francesca were faster than me. I had to check what “standing for” meant. lol…

  423.  #423Starbright on March 13, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Wow, adding a new profile picture late last night has turned into being favorited by one guy and chatting with four others this afternoon. And a date for week after next. Woohoo!

  424.  #424Francesca on March 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Turquoise, if it feels like you should be happy, then why shouldn’t you? πŸ™‚

  425.  #425Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Wow Turquoise!

  426.  #426Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    That felt momentarily good to write (#418). But overall it does not. Now I have a judgment hanging over my head…

    What if he comes back? What if he understands? What if it turns around and he’s the greatest guy on earth?

    Who knows what can happen…

    It is a judgment based on momentary actions. Right now, he s*cks. Right now, he is appearing to me as selfish. Right now, his actions are not actions that I respect or admire. And because they affect me negatively, I feel bad.

    Or no, that’s not accurate – because I expect “better” I feel bad.

    Why should I expect “better”? Is he better than he is? Do I expect something “other” than his true nature? Do I want a different “him” that he can’t be?

    I don’t know the answers to those questions…

    I could maybe stay in curiosity.

    Who is he? What is his true nature? How will he respond (or not respond) to the information that I gave him?

    And then, once I know that – once I have the information. Then I can make a decision, based on my own intuition, that is right for me.

    I don’t believe that he is a “bad guy.” I have never believed that.

    It is the separation that feels bad. First, the separation that happened within myself. And second, how that extended and caused a separation with him.

    G-d cursed the serpent and caused it to slither on the ground. Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden, but it was the serpent who was truly to blame.

    If we must point the finger of blame, let us point it where it truly belongs: nasty voices. beguiling options. And we, being human, we sometimes succumb….

  427.  #427Starla on March 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    My little girl said she misses her best friend and wants to hang out with her for a few tonight. So we called her up, and she said she would love to come over, and that she’s bring us food too:) awww. i have the best friend EVER

  428.  #428Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Turq that is like backleading. You express your idea and somehow it becomes his.

  429.  #429Ella on March 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Feeling angry

    Just rageful.


    Didn’t like being lied to about the drinking.

    Doesn’t feel good even though I know there is probably a lot of shame/guilt/denial stuff going on.

    Still don’t like it and I still feel angry.

    Underneath afraid??


    Or maybe just pist like F U Mr Man!


  430.  #430Hopeful on March 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    I went to the qigong master last night and feel so much better today, like I always do when I see her.

    I was at a coworker’s desk today noticing pictures of her husband and kids and wondering in a surreal sort of way (not sad but surreal) “How did my marriage get to this point?” This really seems so surreal to me when I step back. I never expected it would seem so hard.

    Last night during the meditation, my mind wondered off and I asked the universe for help in dealing with this problem and for help in healing me, in helping me to feel happier and to learn to focus on my own happiness.

    Then while meditating, I got this desire to cancel my plans tonight (was supposed to get together with friends).

    Chatted with my husband and he said something like “You haven’t been around much lately.” So I told him I was thinking of cancelling on my friends tonight and he said, yes, cancel on them. Hmm does he miss me? Unsure.

    My friend cancelled on me this am, so I emailed him that I would be home tonight and wrote it is beautiful outside. Would feel great to get out and get walk. (Is that leaning forward – not sure since I am married.) But it is one of the first beautiful days. He replied yes, let’s go for a walk and I can show you xyz home project ideas in the neighborhood.

    Will be interesting to see what happens tonight.

    In the meantime, I emailed a friend and asked her if I could hang out at her house this weekend during the days if I need to get out of the house. She said come on over whenever you want and you can even help with my craft projects. So I have a plan for this weekend, and really am happy I don’t have to sit around the house. But it is tentative, so I can go either way. Maybe I should just plan on going to my friends. Hmmm. Feels great to have options. And understanding friends.

  431.  #431Hopeful on March 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Ella I feel your pain. How long have you been seeing this guy?

  432.  #432Starbright on March 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm


    I can’t remember if you have talked about ever going to alanon? I have heard wonderful thIngs about how helpful it is for people who have loved ones who drink.

  433.  #433Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I have the thought “why does this always happen to me?”

    Hm…the pattern: whenever I *think* (believe) that I am having an intention to “work something out.” To “be present.” To “be open.” To “be in relationship.” The guy backs off.

    The minute that I am there – that I decide, in myself that I want to commit to the idea of relationship – it doesn’t work out.

    I think I’m doing the thing that I need to do, for myself, to make it work. I guess maybe the guy feels it as rowing the boat. Maybe I AM rowing the boat. Maybe I never gave HIM the chance to ‘Make it work.’ Maybe I never gave him the chance to step up and take the lead….

    It feels so bad right now, still. Sinking into the feelings….

    I don’t deserve this.

    And yet. If he had not made certain decisions, then none of us would be in this position. If I had made different decisions, said different words. I might have woken up happy on Saturday, and would have a boyfriend today.

    If only I had been more understanding when he called and said he could not come out on Saturday night….

    But there’s no use going over past details.

    We’ve rehashed the past so much.

    The fact is, he hurt me. He may not have intended to, but that’s what he did.

    And I feel hurt, and I feel angry because of that.

    And I feel like saying to him – That’s what you wanted? Well, that’s what you got. I hope you’re happy.

    But really, I feel….it is lost. it is out of my hands. Whatever happened, he might have stayed with me. If only I had behaved differently. If only I could have relaxed, and maybe dealt with the feelings on my own, and not made such an issue out of it. And let him be the man he wanted to be to me. To feel special, and like an important part of my life. If I had “let” him help me in the way that he wanted to – instead of demanding he help me in MY WAY. He might have stayed with me. In the sense that he might have stayed emotionally engaged, and wanted to please me continually.

    I think what happened is about me and my feelings. And it is. But my feelings make me selfish, too. I know that, in the end, I’ve really just emasculated him. I’ve made him feel that sex – the best thing he can give me – is really just a tool to hurt me. And since he doesn’t want to do that. He is going to back off. he wanted sex with me. And now he doesn’t. Because sex isn’t okay with me.

    I feel like such a “not cool” girl…I feel like such a failure. Like there is something functionally and fundamentally wrong with me, and it can’t be fixed…and I am a tease. Because I can act all confident, and seduce a guy, and get him to the point of no return, and make him want me. And then turn around and punish him for it, by being upset. Even though the truth is, I feel like the one who is being punished…I feel punished for sex before it even happens.

    I feel like running into another man’s arms….I feel like having sex with someone right now.

    All these conflicting feelings, and it doesn’t diminish my libido one bit.

    I NEED to heal this…I can’t let this dysfunction ruin yet another good possible relationship in my life again, ever…that is the worst feeling. That he actually was treating me well – or seemed to. And now this awful thing. I feel awful. Lonely. Sad. Bereft.

    He didn’t even take the time to talk about things with me…he just cut me off. For no good reason. *sob*

    Sad Tiffany…..

  434.  #434Starla on March 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Tiffany, I do want you to take this with a grain of salt because I’m not an expert or a professional, but I have been sexually assaulted in the past, and also physically and emotionally abused by a lover. And it does come up, again and again. It’s a huge trigger for men too, because they don’t want to be labeled as victimizers. And while the guy didn’t exactly victimize you, because you went along with it (your old triggers and trauma re-victimized you here, it sucks, big hugs to you for the pain you re-suffer over and over), he kinda just sucks. He’s not the guy for you. I’ve been through this with men, and there are 3 kinds of men – men who will always take no for an answer and will make sure you’re feeling emotionally safe, men who don’t like it and act pretty triggered but will try to put your comfort first, and men who react like OM.

    My opinion is that his is not the man for you. Rori talks a lot about the what-ifs and the closure, and she says it’s all baloney. With that in mind, know in your heart how open and forgiving you are if he comes back wanting to court you, and move on riding your horse on your bridge to the relationship you want:).

    The way you are approaching this emotionally seems to be that you don’t consider yourself the prize. You don’t want to be rejected or abandoned, and for that, you’re putting yourself and your boundaries second. In a way, it almost feels like you were begging him to give you another chance. Why? You are the prize. He really does suck for you. He’s not a bad man, but for you, he sucks. Good riddance.

    I’m finding I can’t do the casual fool-around thing if I have feelings for a man. You may or may not find you have your own boundaries here. There is so much you can do here boundary-wise to take care of yourself and prevent this from all happening in the future.

    But seriously, better to find out he sucks for you now than later.

  435.  #435Starla on March 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Tiffany, never ever settle.

    I have this creeping suspicion that you’re trying to rationalize settling for less.

    nooooooooooooooo <3

  436.  #436Turquoise on March 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    HHHHmmmmmmm… FW, you are right. I hadn’t thought of that. I told you before, everything has to be his idea.

    Ok, going with my happy feelings here. I found a picture of us from one of those photo booths from when we first started dating, so I took a pic of it and sent it to him, and wrote…

    Remember them?

    He replied, “They look 12 years old”

    I said,”I liked them πŸ˜‰ and want to be skinny like her. Up for a weight loss challenge?

    Him: Sure

    Me: Want to see who can lose 10 pounds the fastest? Then maybe some others until we get to our goals? Or if you have an idea…. What do you think?

    He hasn’t replied back yet, but this feels fun and exciting. I’ll ask him to pick the prizes or rewards, and be open to any suggestions he comes up with. He is VERY competitive, so this should be fun. And, something for us to talk about that isn’t about the kids or what is happening with us.

    Ok, done leaning forward. I’m going to put on some workout clothes and start cleaning out the garage. I need to get my treadmill set up.

    Memulo…. I haven’t weighed that little since college, and I’m only 5’2! Thank you for the suggestions, I can incorporate some of them. I’m not a huge fruit eater, as I’m not big on sweet food, but I do love smoothies and will eat fruit with my breakfast, or an apple with a little peanut butter. I’m going to try low carb. Not atkins, but to really watch my carbs, and only eat whole grains.

    Yesterday and today I had some nuts, cheese, carrots and celery with a little sour cream based dip and a few triscuits for lunch. Normally we get takeout or pick up Wendy’s or sandwiches. This will be a big change. I don’t normally eat breakfast, so I know I need to start that. Last night I had some leftovers from the party for dinner, not healthy choices, ribs and potato salad, BUT small portions and I didn’t eat anything afterwards. Tonight, I’m going to have homemade bean soup and salad. It’s actually close to 7, I need to feed the girls and myself before I start working out or cleaning the garage.

    I will be back! Feeling motivated and inspired, so I need to take advantage of these feelings before they disappear!

  437.  #437Starla on March 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Tiffany, He cut you off for good reason – he’s not mature enough to handle real emotions and wants to blame you for it.

    And you could change yourself to be shallow enough for him to handle, but why?

    Heal for you. The more I think about OM, the more I think he sucks for you. I’m glad he’s showing his true colors. And there is healing out there for you. I see a therapist and send lots of universal healing love to my lady parts whenever i think to. And I am physically involved with a man I could actually tell “hey actually i don’t want to have sex right now…i noticed i feel weird and shaky after” and he was sooo kind to me about it. This is what you want too, right?

    If OM decides to do a 180 and be that guy, then that’s great:). But don’t beat yourself up. You STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF! I say buy yourself a present!!! That’s wonderful!!! You stood up for yourself even though it could make you feel abandoned. So he ‘abandoned’ you, but you’re not abandoning yourself! Victory!!!!!!!!!

    Sending you like a bazillion gallons of hugs right now.

  438.  #438Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Turquoise you are crazy to be thinking that but doesnt it feel great. I say sink into those feelings so you can summon them at will. Just remember you are the prize and try to let go of the expectations. Give them to the Universe

  439.  #439Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Turquoise you are crazy to be thinking that but doesnt it feel great. I say sink into those feelings so you can summon them at will. Just remember you are the prize and try to let go of the expectations. Give them to the Universe

  440.  #440Starla on March 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Well now I’m just feeling jumping for joy excited for tiffany who stood up for herself around sexual stuff. and knowing that is the first real step to healing.

    good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  441.  #441lilybelle on March 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm


    I’m behiiiind but d@mn, Starla! I so like CF for you. And, you for him!!

    Basically, I’m in awe of the two of you.

  442.  #442lilybelle on March 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm


    I am excited for you and happy for you too. “We”, each individual woman here, gets to decide what commitment means to and looks like for them. Period.

    Some of us, may never want to get married again. Some of us, may not want to live with a man…ever. Some of us, may only want to live with a man. And, some of us still, will be just happy to date someone exclusively, for as long as that works out. And some of us, and this is where I am, are still trying to figure out what it means at all.

    I can’t believe there is just one path to happiness with a man. πŸ™‚

  443.  #443Starla on March 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    T-girl, i’m so sorry for diminishing your happy news! Oh gosh, I feel awful!! I didn’t even realize I was doing it…I just got all excited about debating statistical validity because it’s my profession.

    Ohhh t-girl! I am very very happy for you! I’m so sorry for being a raincloud.

  444.  #444Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm


    RE: #377 – Thank you! That is extremely helpful and right on!

  445.  #445Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm


    RE: #360 – “Brenda, did you ever try eHarmony. I believe they match on religion.

    There’s nothing wrong with looking exclusively for Christian men. It is your spirituality and it means more to you than anything.”

    Thank you! I suppose I should get on eHarmony. I did try for 3 months and I had PILES of scammers. So it left me soured, but I spose I could try it. I just joined a different Christian dating site and there are very few people on it.

  446.  #446Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    T-Girl! A ring? That sounds wonderful!

    I didn’t read the debate as I miss some post and don’t have time to catch up but I think it’s even sweeter if he saves to buy you the ring of your dreams!!

    It’s like saving for a trip you really want to do, you feel so much more excited when you finally book the trip! If you have the money right away and you can buy whatever trip you want, it’s just easy to pick it up. It means the same at the end, but saving for it brings so much more excitement I think.

    Thank you I’m really happy for you my dear!! xoxo

  447.  #447Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    T-Girl! A ring? That sounds wonderful!

    I didn’t read the debate as I miss some post and don’t have time to catch up but I think it’s even sweeter if he saves to buy you the ring of your dreams!!

    It’s like saving for a trip you really want to do, you feel so much more excited when you finally book the trip! If you have the money right away and you can buy whatever trip you want, it’s just easy to pick it up. It means the same at the end, but saving for it brings so much more excitement I think.

    Thank you I’m really happy for you my dear!! xoxo

  448.  #448Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Lol hope that makes sense. As I didn’t read your original post and the debate, I might just be blah blahing πŸ™‚

  449.  #449Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    LOL, I was just on the phone with Kenny, discussing my current dating possibilities. He encouraged me to arrange some dates, and I told him so far only that one man has stepped up.

    He said, “Look you need to ask THEM. If you wait around for them to ask you, you might as well take up a hobby like knitting!”


  450.  #450Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I think I’m feeling a little bit sad tonight. Not that much. And not because of ATW amd sex with him. Just that I realise I’m feeling a little afraid to loose him. It’s really my own things. Nothing he did or didn’t do. When I think of him i think he actually prooved me that he was some kind of interested in me. Brought breakfast, said he thought of me often, tought I was mad, massaged me, cuddled with me, hold my hand while sleeping…

    So why am I feeling weird tonight?

  451.  #451Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Lizka, I feel the same… Oxytocin withdrawal I suppose.

  452.  #452Starla on March 13, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Oxytocin withdrawal makes me feel really off balance. I couldn’t actually cope with it too gracefully (very few crackheads do) and I feel scared to smoke that crackrock again and feel the horrible withdrawal symptoms without the commitment safety net i need. LOL, my sweet Crack Fix. <3 CF

    He was my crack fix before we even slept together. Funny how his name is still true.:)

  453.  #453Ella on March 13, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Hi ladies,

    Thank you.

    No don’t worry.

    I am ok.

    I was just expressing on the blog…

    I have only been seeing him a short time and have thought about just stopping dating him.

    Tricky when I work with him, and I am not ready to do that just yet. Who knows for the future, it all depends what happens.

    I think the best option here is to focus on me and CD-ing again as much as possible, although actually I am feeling very work focused right now (on my businesses).

    As for him, well actually he is seriously lovely and amazing to me and I can’t seem to shake him off… well I haven’t really tried hard but he is ALWAYS stepping up.

    I just don’t like that he lied… And feel triggered by the drinking.

    I am keeping Rori’s Toxic Men programme firmly in my head just in case…

    So we shall see.

    I’ve been to Al Anon in the past.

    I don’t really feel like that now.

    I don’t feel badly enough to want to go, and I don’t think I would find it helpful in this situation.

    My views about drinking have changed a lot recently and I no longer believe in the alcoholism as an incurable disease model.

    I don’t know anything for sure… I just know what feels more positive to me at the moment and what feels less.

    Being able to come here and express and recieve support is truly amazing so thank you.


  454.  #454Ella on March 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm


    Oxytoxcin withdrawal makes me feel seriously off balance too.

    Shall we start a new club?


  455.  #455Ella on March 13, 2012 at 5:40 pm


    I didn’t express to him tonight that I am feeling angry, although he knew something was up.

    I just don’t want to keep going over things, hashing up the anxieties I feel and anger…

    But part of me wishes I hadn’t replied to his sweet goodnight message with a thank you and kisses, cus although I did appreciate it, I am also feeling prickly and bristly towards him right now.

    And to be honest I have lost a little of the respect I felt because he lied… not cus he has an issue.

    Hmmm, wonder if I could somehow express this to him one day.

    Interesting thought.

    Like maybe something like how I feel a bit angry and bristly about what happened the other day, and I felt like I lost a little bit of respect and love, and I don’t want to feel like that with him.

    And its not the issue itself that caused this… it was the feeling of dishonesty.

    But does that still sound blamey?

    Huh, expressing round these sensitive issues is tricky sometimes isn’t it.

    I don’t want to feel like I am walking on eggshells though.

  456.  #456Starla on March 13, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    I just got home from work and noticed Kenya on the other side of the train…I hoped and prayed he wouldn’t notice me. I don’t know why. I just wanted to close my eyes and be left alone. He didn’t approach me, and then when he got off the train at his stop, I felt stupid for not wanting to talk to him. So I texted him that I think I saw him on the train but I’m not sure. Silly, huh?

    He replied that he wants to take me to lunch


    there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. I’m just not interested. I tried to put my finger on it, and I get a dishonest vibe. Like he’ll twist the truth a little bit if it will result in his favor. But I get that vibe from a lot of men from certain foreign cultures.

    I am racist=/ I don’t mean to be but I guess technically I am, if I feel fear in my heart.

    I feel that way with some American men, though.

    Where’s Daria — I feel like she would have something meaningful to say about this.

  457.  #457Lizka on March 13, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Feeling better already and he texted me good night!

    So good night Sirens, I’m off to read a bit and go sleep early again!


  458.  #458Ella on March 13, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    What I hate, hate, hate is the dishonesty.

    But he knows that… and still did it anyway when it came to the drinking issue.

    Feels confusing and icky.


    Thats what creates the disconnect for me.

  459.  #459Starla on March 13, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Ella, sorry for missing the boat, but, could you say again how he was dishonest? I know you found he was drinking very early in the day but remind me what was the lie?

  460.  #460Starla on March 13, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    I have been feeling so lonely today. Asking my inner girl what she wants is probably the best thing I could do for myself today:) Thanks for the inspiration, Mel.

  461.  #461Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm


    Basically he has repeatedly told me there is no problem with alcohol… or any kind of addiction.

    A couple of times in the morning I believe I have tasted wine on his breath… just as I did the other morning, and when I have asked him about the funny taste he has just said he didn’t know what it was.

    When I saw red wine around his lips the other day I asked him what it was… and he said he didn’t know.

    By then I was suspicious and it was only when I walked into the kitchen and saw the empty red wine bottle (half being left the evening before) and I confronted him with it… then he had to admit.

    But even then he said he was putting it in the cooking (brunch!) and just had a glass while he was cooking, which seems very suspect to me.

    I don’t know I just get the sense of dishonesty around it all and I hate it.

  462.  #462Zara on March 13, 2012 at 6:05 pm


    ***Β I thought he appreciated my vulnerability and wanted to care for me and nurture me. ***

    He taught you who he is, the night he pushed your boundaries.
    You trusted there would be no sex. A man, whose intention is to be the guardian of your island, registers your wish and makes sure you keep safe within your intention.
    He might try to kiss you, because he is attracted to you. But after you enjoyed the kiss because you also liked him, which are all good healthy signals, you reminded him you don’t want the sexual gestures to kick in yet.
    Yet he went on with the sexual gestures.

    Yes, we own our feelings, our actions. Yes we are responsible for where we put our body.
    Our best bet when we don’t trust our boundaries, specially when tired or a little bit drunk, or when we don’t know a man’s boundaries so well, is to not sleep in his bed and in his arms and wearing only underwears.
    Our best bet, when dating, is to keep a plan B ready to get ourselves back safe home, in case our date does not want to drive us back home. . .
    We are responsible for that part, yes.
    And when we don’t know how we or men work yet and we end up saying politely β€œno” instead of jumping out of bed, when we end up participating before our tired or alchoolized brain had time to observe ourselves and before even knowing we are actually doing what we said we don’t want to do, yes we are responsible because it is our life at stake.

    Being responsible for your choices does not mean feeling guilty.
    It has happened to everybody and will keep happening probably for ever that humans do things not in alignment with what they feel.
    Feeling guilty about it, is an ego thing, a control trick.
    But when we are honest, we see that making β€œwrong” choices is just what human do sometimes. It’s just the way it is.

    You are simply a human being who made a human choice and, as a free human, she does not have to do it again if it made her feel bad.
    She is free to make new different choices until her choices feel in alignment with her vibrant loving heart. It is part of the human process.
    It could hurt for ever if you think there is a fault, may it be his or yours, or even a rejection. And it would be a waste of pain and energy.
    He will feel what he will feel, it is not related to you as he is not the man for you. He proved it by not hearing you, that night.
    You gain nothing in feeling used. Stay out of his mind, don’t assume he did it to take something from you. Let it go. If he tells you he thought he was giving you something, believe him and move on to a new man.
    There is a huge gap of misunderstanding between you both. He projects on you his feeling good having casual sexual games, in spite of you telling you feel bad about it happening. He does not see you, he projects on you.

    Your lover will be the man who will HEAR you when you are fighting with your own boundaries, or when you are learning what are your boundaries. He is the man who does not push while you are in that grey area, still learning about yourself. He does not push you to chose either way.
    He likes you so he acts sexual once in a while, but he takes β€œno” for an answer. He does not put you in the situation where you have to either leave running and angry from his house or to participate to his sexual games. You both help each other blossom, none pushes the other’s boundaries.

    All this to say:
    Yes, you are responsible for your choices that night. And it is already the past. This experience will make a better future for you.
    No, he is not a good man for you, he was not the guardian of your island that night.
    Yes, he did his job as a messenger, you may feel grateful for him, let him go, and work on yourself now. The experience with him made you observe that you are not clear with your boundaries. It is good because you learnt it in a situation that did not degenerate in something with consequences. You can also take with you that what you want is a guardian for your island. You don’t prove anything to a guardian, he is the one who must prove to you he is good at guarding islands. You will feel good and safe. You will know.
    Thank you messenger and may the wind be with you πŸ˜‰

  463.  #463Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    I don’t think I want to go there to his house tomorrow, even with him offering to pick me up and stuff.

    I’m just not sure I feel comfortable anymore.

    I suppose I will see tomorrow.

    I would like him to know that I don’ judge him for having this issue, well at least I try not to.

    And I don’t believe in shame and guilt.

    However its the dishonesty around it all that makes me feel the disconnect.

    And ick.

  464.  #464Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    But he will just say he is not being dishonest.

    That he is being honest with me.

    And then he will say there is nothing to worry about to try to soothe me.

    Although, maybe it is enough for me just to express it, maybe I don’y have to hear him agree with me or say I am right.


    Maybe I can just share how I feel.

  465.  #465Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Hmmm, maybe

    ‘I don’t mind that people have issues, I feel accepting of that, it is the dishonesty feeling around it all that feels so bad to me.

    It makes me feel disconnected, and chips away at the love and respect I feel’

    Sirens? Any good as a FM with a man?

  466.  #466Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Spamming Blog Before Bed.


  467.  #467Ella on March 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm


  468.  #468T-Girl on March 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    442 Thank you Lillibelle. I totally agree. β™₯

  469.  #469Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Turquoise you sound so good

  470.  #470Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Ella, I went through exactly this with MyGuy. He actually told me after many small confrontations (and he denied it every time) that he has a drinking problem and he needs MY help, lol. Anyway, the one big mistake I made was not giving myself space and time when it happened. I didn’t want to beat him over the head or lose him or seem like I didn’t want him otherwise, so I just kept hanging out with him as usual. Sometimes it would come up again, but I never backed up a little bit or took some REAL space.

    So what I’m saying is don’t be scared to just honestly say “hey, i really feel good when i’m spending time with you, and now i’m noticing i feel on edge and uptight since our last conversation about drinking and would feel better to take some space and just take care of myself and my bad feelings tonight (or for a while/for a few days/whatever feels good to you).”

    or something like that.

    take as much time/space as you need. even if it’s weeks and weeks. only accept his invitations once you feel like it’s going to feel positive and uplifting to you to spend time around him, and not like there’s a chance alcohol itself or the topic of alcohol is going to ruin your precious siren free time. don’t give in before you feel ready. don’t worry about being too harsh. don’t worry about needing to stay in contact with him or he’ll drift away. don’t make the same mistakes i did, lol! MyGuy never did stop drinking, blah. he tried, really, he did, but the truth is he didn’t have to really stop, cuz i kept showing up anyway, angry and resentful, but showing up. yuck.

    was so not a siren about it. i thought i was by expressing how i felt about it, but i didn’t LIVE my boundaries and feelings, just blah blah blah’d about them. so i was an unhappy nag and we all lost, lol

  471.  #471Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 6:20 pm


    Today I listened to some CC stuff and he had Dr. Paul as a guest. Dr. Paul was explaining his boundary theory and he took the example of a girl in a relationship with a guy on drugs to explain (one of his actual private clients).

    He was very clear that the only boundary in this situation is to say ‘no’ (to drugs, alcohol in your case). The client had her long live in boyfriend move out. He found other ‘holes’ in her boudary (Dr. Paul explains have we sometimes have ‘healthy’ open spaces in some boudaries) that he would find (in this case calling her to make her feel guilty for kicking him out).

    Anyway, I thought it might interest you and be a good start for some FMs. ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship with any alcohol abuse’.

    What do you think? Of course I realize you may have allready done this. But how strong is that boundary for you?

  472.  #472LoveAlways on March 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm


    It feels bad to hear untruths

  473.  #473T-Girl on March 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    443 Thank you Starla, it is ok and please don’t feel awful.

  474.  #474Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Ella, it’s not your job to not judge him. It’s your job to put yourself only in situations that feel good and not likely stressful as best as you can. You can also not judge him, which is lovely, but first and foremost you take care of you. you can avoid bad feeling things without judging him. this is the Way of the Siren. The Siren Tao hehe.

  475.  #475Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    “β€œhey, i really feel good when i’m spending time with you **AND I DON’T FEEL AT ALL JUDGMENTAL**, and now i’m noticing i feel on edge and uptight since our last conversation about drinking and would feel better to take some space and just take care of myself and my bad feelings tonight (or for a while/for a few days/whatever feels good to you).”

  476.  #476Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    T-Girl, I do feel awful for my blunder, but don’t worry!

    I am very happy for you:)

  477.  #477Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    *…….”and i don’t feel at all judgmental of any man who is self aware enough to recognize alcoholism….”

    ??? hmm dunno just offering brainstorming.

  478.  #478Starla on March 13, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    my little girl would like to know why the f*ck i said i would do the dishes for her if I wasn’t going to actually do them.

    sigh, getting up to do them now. see you later, sirens:)

  479.  #479LoveAlways on March 13, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    # 295

    Saving for a wedding ring?!
    That means marriage on the table (commitment blueprint)!!!!!


    How does it feel?

  480.  #480Femininewoman on March 13, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Siren Angel I see you have CCarter’s FCTC. I love how Dr. Paul explains boundaries.

  481.  #481Siren Angel on March 13, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Yes, FW!

    Dr. Paul really goes in detail into boundaries. Very informative. I didn’t know you have it too. I love how he explains each person’s boundaries in a couple and how that is all encompassed in a bigger picture, the relationships boundaries.

  482.  #482Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 7:16 pm


    RE: #470 – Fantastically wise words there. Could be a thread article in and of itself. That is helpful for me dealing with Ryan, even tho you wrote it for Ella. Copy and paste. Thank you!

  483.  #483Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 7:20 pm


    I apologize if I was too overbearing in my recent posts to you. I think I was insensitive to you, and I am sorry.

    About his dishonesty, I wonder if he is feeling extremely defensive after what he and you passed through over drug suspicions. Dishonesty is a smokescreen for where pieces of a wall are missing (Christian Carter, Inside the Mind of a Man).

    So if I were in your relationship, I would look for what can I do to inspire him to let down his walls and smokescreens? Accusation and sniffing around every corner will only keep them in place. Letting him feel your unconditional acceptance will bring them down.

    What do you think/feel?

  484.  #484Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 7:37 pm


    So, I finished the tapping session today…there were actually two videos. I went back and did the first one that I did yesterday, and then I went on and did the second one. And ohhhh my goodness. SO much stuff was coming up. It was just flooding out of me, like it wanted to. Which I’m sure it did. And then she closed it in this really nice way. I just felt so at peace, and strong, and able to move on. But I also just sat there for a good few minutes, letting these bizarre moans and sobs come out of me, while I leaned over and melted into the wall where I was sitting. My cat wasn’t even scared – she came over and said hi.

    And I must have released something good, and made a shift. I feel different. Stronger. More grounded.

    I had also posted on FB that I was feeling sad, and I got a couple of really nice responses! Two people came out of the woodwork that I haven’t even really thought of as “Friends” – more as acquaintances, but they really stepped up to the friend plate. One woman invited me out for a movie. It won’t work for tonight, but that’s okay, because it’s raining. I really just appreciated the thought and the invitation…And a guy friend I haven’t spoken to in ages called me on his way home from work.

    He actually pulled over in his car and listened to me while I told him the whole story. Okay, everything except physical details. But he got the idea. And he was a really good listener, and he didn’t even try to offer me advice (he said he was making an effort not to do the “guy” thing and try to “fix” :))

    It was awesome to talk to a guy, because he pretty much gave me the straight-up low-down on how this might have felt to a guy. And I’m right there with him on that. Maybe, if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to have to deal with this, either. But I’m not the guy. I’m me. And I HAVE to deal with it. I don’t have a choice…

    And he (my friend) pretty much propped me up, saying that I have a lot going for me, and he didn’t put the other guy down, but he basically said in a really gentle way that he wasn’t the right partner for me, and that a “more mature” guy with “better self-control” would be better for me. Yay!

    I probably don’t want to admit this about OM, but I think my friend is right. I want to believe that OM is as mature and self-controlled as he says he is. But in actual fact, he has pretty much demonstrated to me that he is not.

    And so I really do not need to have any pity for the man. He made his choices. And, if he had been more patient, and not gotten carried away by his “other brain,” he might still have dates with me to look forward to – and lots of other good stuff, too.

    Now all that good stuff is going to go to another guy. A guy who is actually good for me. A guy who cares about me and who understands me and actually cares *for* me, in a way that’s good for me – not him.

    He is doing me a favor if he is not that guy.

    And also, I see him right now as being very selfish. And selfishness is not a behavior or a quality that I want or will tolerate in any partner. And so, I’m sorry, buddy, but right now, your progress report is FAIL. You were doing really well last Thursday night. But then you went too far. you took advantage of me in your bed, and you took too much. And now…


    I am going to go make some rosemary potatoes and put myself to sleep. Maybe watch a movie. Yum….

  485.  #485LoveAlways on March 13, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    At the end of the Commitment Blueprint workbook, Rori has Five Tools To Have The Relationship You Want. After 5 months of these programs, I read these pages with new eyes. It feels awesome

  486.  #486Emerson on March 13, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    @ Starla 321
    “…put a soft pillow in your lap and just relax when he calls:)”

    This is great advice! I will try it. πŸ™‚

  487.  #487Emerson on March 13, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    @ Starla 321
    “…put a soft pillow in your lap and just relax when he calls:)”

    This is great advice! I will try it. πŸ™‚

  488.  #488Tiffany on March 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Oh yes. And my other thought for the day….

    “personality differences” my a$$.

    That’s the lamest cop-out I’ve ever heard.

    Everyone has “personality differences.” That is what makes life interesting!! Heck, I WANT to have a personality that is different than my partner….I don’t want to date myself. Yuck. How boring.

    And anyway, who cares? I am “personality different!” I am my own person and absolutely nobody has my personality! And that’s what makes me me, and it’s why I am so freaking AMAZING.

    So he must be “different” – in that he is not amazing.


    Oh well!

  489.  #489Emerson on March 13, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    I really wish I had Rori’s reconnect your relationship right now!!! I want to order it but I need it like right now!!!
    I don’t know how to interact with Recycled. I feel totally lost. I don’t want to “blow it”…and he called me yesterday after I sent that text (thanks Dominique) and I have not called him back yet. I feel nervous!

  490.  #490Brenda on March 13, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    Most of the time, I lie down or sit in a recliner when I talk to a man on the phone. It really makes a difference!

  491.  #491Emerson on March 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Can you please give me your feedback/opinions?

    If Recycled asks me where I’m living/working etc I’m not sure if I want to share that with him without him telling me what his situation is first. He has a tendency to do that he asks me all these fact finding questions but then leaves out pertinent info about himself.
    FW I remember what you said that if I take my life seriously and care about myself I will ask questions.
    Is it too confrontational to ask if he is still living with the female roommate who he “used to date”…?? Part of the reason why I stopped contact with him…I don’t want to spend time with a man who is living with baggage because that’s what I consider it to be!!!!!!!!!