Time And Love – Notes From My English Roadtrip

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In England, I was relaxed.

I was so far away from reality, so unplugged from email, I moved from moment to moment.

Now I’m discovering how to do that here, at home. I’d put limits on what my time is about here, and made up ideas of what my daily life should look like.

How about you? Are you living a life you’re arranging mentally, or experiencing it as you go along?

Time is an odd thing.

If you rush – nothing gets felt or appreciated and everything you want seems so far away.

If you have “all the time in the world,” everything you want seems to show up for you without “trying.”

Are you finding yourself with a sense of “urgency” a lot of the time?

Love and romance are so important to us that we’re often willing to sacrifice a lot to have it.

We’re even willing to sacrifice a lot to IMAGINE having it.

Have you ever created an “Imaginary Relationship” that cost you time, love, energy and self-esteem?

An Imaginary Relationship was often all I could handle.

Real intimacy meant letting a man see my real, vulnerable self – and I couldn’t even touch what that was inside me, much less allow a man to see it. As I learn what’s inside me and love what I discover – everything else in life starts to open up.

Are YOU more comfortable with a “relationship” with a man that goes one way – from you to him?

Love, Rori

 

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613 Comments

  1.  #1luzydel on December 11, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Are YOU more comfortable with a “relationship” with a man that goes one way – from you to him?

    Yes, an I miss him more than I miss the relationship, because I exposed myself and lost fear of being who I am.

    I don’t know if its worth it to have something that exposes myself like that…



  2.  #2Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Why not luzydel? Exposing yourself, being vulnerable is a precious gift you can give and mostly to yourself. The more you can sink into this, the more you can fully feel and experience. This is mostly for YOU. It helps YOU expand YOU, and the more you can expand, the more room for love there is, for you and for others.

    Yes you risk pain, but that’s a part of being love.

    xxoo



  3.  #3T-Girl on December 11, 2011 at 8:29 am

    ADORE this article. It is so true.

    I grew up in a home where I felt like I had to be going or doing something all the time. J is helping me to slow down and enjoy being.

    When we went on our trip to the beach for my birthday a couple weeks ago, we just leisurely took an all day walk on the beach, enjoying the scenery and what was going on around us. He even buried me in the sand for a bit and we did lots of cuddling and kissing.

    It felt weird to me at first not having anywhere to go or a plan, but I really enjoyed and appreciated that he is helping me to enjoy the moment.



  4.  #4Liz on December 11, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Am I more comfortable with one way towards the man?
    Not anymore, but that was my pattern…..I feel better when I am loving myself, and this blog and Rori’s modern siren and love scripts have helped me tremendously. CD’s are showing up who are paying for dates, no problem: they are calling and they are expressing their desire for me.
    I just am not sure which program to get next, since i am not in a relationship yet; I have accountant CD who is my favorite and is crazy for me, but has not broken up with his girlfriend yet….he told me he is way more attracted to me than her, but does not want to hurt her, and i said I am really attracted to but will not get involved with you unless you are single. And I have several other CD’s I am interacting with.
    So would it be committment blueprint or targeting mr right?
    thanks
    Liz



  5.  #5Jilly on December 11, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Good morning Sirens 🙂

    Rori..I love how your softness always comes through

    and I LOVE this post…I can see it in so many aspects of life; of how when we stop and “BE” in the moment and give up trying to make it happen…everything does show up…feels so relieving and free

    things with S cd are still going great…



  6.  #6T-Girl on December 11, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Hey Jilly! So good to hear about things with S are going great. Is Hot Pilot and Pipeliner still around?



  7.  #7T-Girl on December 11, 2011 at 8:54 am

    I miss Boomer on here. I wonder how she is doing?



  8.  #8Jilly on December 11, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Hey T Girl!! so good to hear things with J are still going awesome…yay!!

    um…no to hot pilot and pipeliner…but I feel really good about it…
    Pipeliner wanted exclusivity even though he was long distance and I said no…he still stuck around but everytime we talked he would bring it up…it was good practice for my boundaries but it felt really draining and then I lost totaly interest…

    but S is amazing! 🙂 so..yay..we’ll see

    I think Boomer did come back…



  9.  #9light heart on December 11, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Are YOU more comfortable with a “relationship” with a man that goes one way – from you to him?

    No, but I felt like I was having to at least give equally

    Now, it appears, once again, that JCD wants me to invite and chase, I get the sense that he wants to be chased and wanted, but then loses respect for the woman that does that. Well, I am not so desperate to see him again that I am going to offer anything except receptiveness. And he’ll either get to stay in the rotation, or spin out. Simple as pie!

    🙂
    light heart



  10.  #10Jilly on December 11, 2011 at 9:32 am

    light heart…I like your name 🙂

    Did anyone see the Millionaire Matchmaker 5 year review? Where Patty is talking to this man who wants his needs met first and she tells him he is feminine energy on the inside?? I loved it…it was so right on.



  11.  #11Aurora Girl on December 11, 2011 at 9:36 am

    T-girl

    thanks for posting on the last thread that there was a new post! lol

    Vulnerability is scary for sure…but it is the key…..opening up……using FMs I think is the beginning…..and it’s true…when we open up he opens up….

    I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all at once though….,.

    thank goodness! 🙂



  12.  #12Daria on December 11, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Liz – targeting mr right



  13.  #13T-Girl on December 11, 2011 at 9:59 am

    11 Aurora Girl,

    I agree, vulnerability is so scary. We are tought to be tough and not show our vulnerability. I am finding so much growth in myself and my relationship when I expose my vulnerability.



  14.  #14Daria on December 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I feel my heart beating boom boom and a tension and readiness in my thighs – like fear. And a tingling in them

    I feel heavy hearted heart achy

    I feel tight on the other side of my chest

    I feel uncomfortable talking about what I want to write … I am imagining it triggering lilybelles – it’s her quote

    I feel distant and stony towards her after the last exchange I had with her. I feel sad and judgemental – where am I judging myself?

    I am judging myself for feeling stony and closed off

    I love my stony and closed off self

    I feel uncomfortable and afraid

    I am remembering times I expressed myself and I felt judged by feminine woman when expressing anger – I feel scared that will trigger feminine woman – and I feel scared angry stony about it

    I feel overwhelmed and hopeless and judgemental of so much stony ness

    Yawn.

    I feel so heartache when someone says something like ‘I am not the kind of woman who dates lots of men’. I feel scared now that I will attract defense and justification for it and I feel misunderstood and unseen to the voices in my imagination.

    I feel judgemental of them for saying that and I feel jealous, like how bone they get to say something that makes them look better than others in the eyes of conventional docuety. How come they get to protect themselves and I don’t?

    Sigh

    Just realized writing its my choice to not protect myself and expose my vulnerability.

    Feeling angry

    At the existence of judgements around this

    Frustrated and judging of myself for having some of these judgements

    Likeof a girl is a prostitute she is not good relationship material – feeling superior and better than to girls who have sex with different men often, dismissing them out of hand as competition

    It feels safe in a way and it gives me diva status to think they can’t compete w me

    Yet it feels stony and distant from the girls

    And as much as I hold on to it I can see its not true,

    How there’s girls who aren’t prostitutes who aren’t yet emotionally healthy

    But are there prostitutes who are ? Maybe there must be – feeling afraid –

    I want to drop this judgement that would feel huge and wonderful and I would feel like I’m making amazing changes to healing the world

    I have been doing well with this as far as with girls that have a lot of partners. Maybe even w prostitutes a lil bit. Yay me.

    I wonder what there is for me to heal?



  15.  #15Liz on December 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

    thanks Daria for suggestion about targeting mr right.

    sending you a hit of unconditional love for your stoniness and your judgements and seeing through it to your soft, vulnerable creative feminine Daria
    🙂

    I wish I could take accountant CD up on his offer to have passionate sex with me…..but keep visualizing spending time with a man first, so we can keep building and building that energy and trust and respect and all that good stuff….
    well, back to correcting papers….have a great sunday all you sirens.



  16.  #16Daria on December 11, 2011 at 10:31 am

    I think I would feel good being a temple prostitute healing men.

    And cd feels like that , appreciating a man even one I don’t know.

    I feel shame and fear s d shutdowns as around this . I love my feelings.

    Sigh.

    I want to heal this.

    I would feel uncomfortable thinking that my parents would judge me and feel heartbroken triggered around this.

    I feel dissapointed. I want to heal this.



  17.  #17Liz on December 11, 2011 at 10:48 am

    oh Daria,
    I have always felt like that, that i would really enjoy being able to sexually please men…..but the wierd icky feeling that comes with it is that I did not (in the lifetimes I was a concubine/prostitute) have free will to choose who i slept with and who I loved. I loved freely and passionately but did not feel cherished, but was totally cherishing them…..hmmmm, sounds alot like rori’s post, doesn’t it…..giving the men the ultimate gift but not receiving back what every woman wants……
    just my two cents and liz, stop procrastinating….
    liz, i love your procrastinating self…..I can get my work done….



  18.  #18Starla on December 11, 2011 at 11:07 am

    oh goodness, the scandalous girl friend of mine is unfriending everyone on facebook except for hot dudes. including MINE. lol. i feel not at all threatened. actually i feel like…i can outgirl her anyday just based on the fact that she seeks so much attention, i already “win”.

    i feel sorry for her and angry like i was just disposable to her.



  19.  #19Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Hello Sirens…what a great post, thanks Rori!

    It’s so true what’s mentioned about time and not having a rush rush urgency feeling…I’ve been really working towards that.

    I feel more at ease telling myself I have options…and I quit pining over Recycled. I do not not not want a man like that in my life…I’ve REALLY moved past the emotional drainage that he brought out in me…he is toxic (to me at least) and I do not want to gravitate toward that anymore.

    I have a potential new CD that a friend introduced to me…so we shall see.



  20.  #20Daria on December 11, 2011 at 11:39 am

    liz – this is a different scenario in which i am divine and powerful and honored

    its about allowing men to give to me and pleasure me, and that brings them healing as they are free to step into their masculine divine



  21.  #21laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 11:53 am

    I’m feeling curious and intrigued by the idea of judgements. I want to understand them and I don’t want to feel bad when I hear other people’s judgements.

    Anyway, I just found this quote which I found interesting.

    Are You Trapped by a Belief System?
    Examine your possible motives for wanting to suffer. Do you deny that there’s anything wrong? Do you think it makes you a better person not to show others that you hurt? Do you enjoy the attention you get when you are sick or in distress? Do you feel safe being alone and not having to make tough choices? Belief systems are complex–they hold together the self we want to present to the world.

    It is much simpler not to have beliefs, which means being open to life as it comes your way, going with your own inner intelligence instead of with stored judgments.

    If you find yourself blocked by your suffering, returning to the same old thoughts again and again, a belief system has trapped you.

    –Adapted from The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra(Three Rivers Press, 2004).



  22.  #22laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Chopra’s “Ten Keys to Happiness” are:

    Listen to your body’s wisdom.
    Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have.
    Take time to be silent, to meditate.
    Relinquish your need for external approval.
    When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself.
    Know that the world “out there” reflects your reality “in here.”
    Shed the burden of judgement.
    Don’t contaminate your body with toxins, either food, drink, or toxic emotions.
    Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior.
    Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence.

    The “Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” are:

    Law of Pure Potentiality (i.e. discovering the unity of the true self with the universe; “Atman is Brahman”)
    Law of Giving (giving releases divine power and energy)
    Law of Karma (cause and effect of actions; “there is a perfect accounting system in this universe,” p. 45)
    Law of Least Effort (going with the flow of the universal energy, as in Taoism)
    Law of Intention and Desire
    Law of Detachment
    Law of Dharma (having a purpose in life)



  23.  #23Liz on December 11, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    oh, i understand Daria,
    that sounds really good…



  24.  #24laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Because others cannot vibrate in your experience, they cannot affect the outcome of your experience. They can hold their opinions, but unless their opinion affects your opinion, their opinion matters not at all. A million people could be pushing against you and it would not negatively affect you unless you push back. That million people pushing against you are affecting their millions of vibrations. They are affecting what happens in their experience. They are affecting their point of attraction, but it does not affect you unless you push against them.

    Abraham, from a workshop in Orlando, Florida on February 21, 1998 (see works by Abraham-Hicks)



  25.  #25Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    I feel resistant to CDs that have children…and I asked myself why??
    Part of it is that I feel “left out” ….I feel insecure and I feel it’s hard to break into the “group”…and I feel the solution is to be secure in me and MYSELF…and not feel this way…



  26.  #26laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Preference is Not Judgment

    Judgment is essentially superimposing a sense of value onto what is, saying this is more worthy or valuable than that for whatever reason.

    By letting go of judgment, everything becomes equally valuable, infinitely valuable.

    You then have the option of choosing based upon preference. You can prefer vanilla over chocolate without devaluing chocolate, you see?

    Instead of bringing your own frequency of vibration down by vibrating with that which you feel is of little to no value, you make the neutral observation that something is more harmoniously in vibration with your true, essential, core being, and thus you expand to become “more of yourself” in physical reality.

    http://www.youaretrulyloved.com/enlightenment/judge-not-lest-ye-be-judged/



  27.  #27VW on December 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    LG #22 & 24:

    I love it! Thank you, thank u…that’s what i needed today…:)

    warm hugs,



  28.  #28Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    hmm one thing about men with children, I feel less pressured to have a baby (even tho I would like to have one) in case I cannot conceive for some reason….well he already has kids, but is that about him and not me? I dunno…
    Just writing down my thoughts…



  29.  #29laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    What Is Projection?

    Before we get into personal accountability and talk about what projection is, let’s define what personal boundaries are. I like Paul Ferrini’s definition best: “Everything I think, feel, say or do belongs to me. I am responsible for all of it.” (The Power of Love, page 46, by Paul Ferrini)

    Now, with this understanding of personal boundaries, basically projection is this: If I am feeling negative (or positive) emotion and try to blame you for what I’m feeling, thinking, saying or doing, then I am projecting my “stuff” onto you. Generally, when we don’t accept personal accountability for our feelings we judge others for doing things that we were shamed for doing in our childhood. We project our feelings of shame onto the other person and try to identify THEM as “bad” or “wrong” in a futile attempt to shield ourselves from our own shame and pain.

    http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/personal-accountability.html



  30.  #30Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    I’m pondering the CDs with children concept because I want to be open to possibilities…

    I feel scared and pressured inside about my finances so I will maybe do some tapping…

    It’s distracting and feels like a block that is keeping me from feeling open…



  31.  #31laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    VW: I feel happy that it was helpful for you.

    It’s really helping me out too 🙂



  32.  #32light heart on December 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Hi Jilly 🙂

    Glad you like my name.

    I didn’t see the show you are talking about, but
    I’m getting these texts from JCD that say ‘I’m free for a couple of days” and general q’s like are you watching this show. He could be sending the same text to a number of people, like casting a net and seeing who bites. I answered a couple with a mirror effect, that’s it. So proud of myself.

    🙂
    light heart



  33.  #33Daria on December 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    light heart i would encourage you to use feeling messages or not respond rather than mirroring.



  34.  #34Daria on December 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    except for hello texts

    i would say mirror the hello with hello, hi with hi

    i add emotion faces to mine too it helps communicate emotion

    hello 🙂



  35.  #35Daria on December 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    go deep! thanks Daria



  36.  #36VW on December 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    LG:

    “…but unless their opinion affects your opinion, their opinion matters not at all”…so true…

    i wonder…if their opinion affects my opinion…does it mean i am triggered? does it imply we attend the source of our triggers …and ask is there something to heal?

    Is being triggered supposed to be “negative” always?

    Could this trigger be an energetic force helping us take a stance and create change?

    i dunno…my mind feels very curious to explore this…and i would love to hear if you have insights to explore it with me…

    warm hugs,



  37.  #37laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    VW: I’m really enjoying this one and thought you might like it. 🙂

    Judgment and What to Do With It
    by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.

    http://delos-inc.com/articles/Judgment_And_What_To_Do_With_It.htm



  38.  #38VW on December 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    LG #37:

    Wow…that’s pretty cool and very well written 🙂 thank u…i will dive right into it 🙂

    warm hugs,



  39.  #39Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Wow!! This post is timely (as usual) and really resonates with me. It ALL resonates with me, but especially these parts…
    ‘Have you ever created an “Imaginary Relationship” that cost you time, love, energy and self-esteem?’

    Only…most of the last 20 years.

    ‘An Imaginary Relationship was often all I could handle.’

    Me too! I feel sooo thankful for healing in this area of my life. Incredibly, amazingly grateful.

    ‘Real intimacy meant letting a man see my real, vulnerable self – and I couldn’t even touch what that was inside me, much less allow a man to see it. As I learn what’s inside me and love what I discover – everything else in life starts to open up.’

    Yes – my heart feels expanded – it feels bigger than it’s ever been my whole life! And my life IS opening up – hugely. As huge as my ever-expanding heart! Love this feeling!!!

    ‘Are YOU more comfortable with a “relationship” with a man that goes one way – from you to him?’

    I used to be, but not anymore.

    Thank you, Rori! For so many things – thank you!



  40.  #40Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Just finally caught up on the last thread – had to comment on the parts of this post that resonated with me.

    Now…off to read the comments and catch up here.



  41.  #41Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Dominique @ 2-

    “Exposing yourself, being vulnerable is a precious gift you can give and mostly to yourself. The more you can sink into this, the more you can fully feel and experience. This is mostly for YOU. It helps YOU expand YOU, and the more you can expand, the more room for love there is, for you and for others.”

    This is something I’m experiencing right now. I feel expanded, more compassionate and just plain happier right now.

    “Yes you risk pain, but that’s a part of being love.”

    Yep, yep. Risking that pain used to feel terrifying to me, but the more expanded I feel, the less worrying it feels to me.

    Love it!



  42.  #42laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    VW: Wow! I love these questions. Thanks for asking. I’ll share the way I understand it.

    “i wonder…if their opinion affects my opinion…does it mean i am triggered?

    AH doesn’t really use the word triggered…but ya, it’s basically the same thing.

    Whatever we observed was neutral until we applied our own meaning to it. And if it makes us feel bad, then that is our indicator that the meaning we implied isn’t really true.

    “does it imply we attend the source of our triggers …and ask is there something to heal?”

    It implies that we attend to the source of the trigger which is the meaning that we attached to the event. And suggest that we search for a different meaning that makes us feel good.

    Is being triggered supposed to be “negative” always?

    No no no, it’s a gift to help us re-evaluate and redefine the meanings we apply to things. ‘Contrast’ is a good thing.

    Could this trigger be an energetic force helping us take a stance and create change?”
    Yup! 🙂

    i dunno…my mind feels very curious to explore this…and i would love to hear if you have insights to explore it with me…”



  43.  #43Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I opened my heart to MM wider this weekend than I ever have. Like the exercise Rori talks about in her e-book of making a conscious effort to be open to a man and to just feel the physical sensations – I forget what she calls the exercise…It’s the one where you imagine yourself making love to a man and having your heart completely open to him. I’ve been doing that since I read the book, but this time I did it in real time, with a real man!

    OMG!!!! It was incredible! It was almost surrealistic, ethereal. I completely unzippered my heart to him – it felt more expanded, bigger than I’ve ever sensed it to be. I’m not sure if it’s because I was holding something back before – I’ve done this with him before, but there was a little fear around it those times. This time, I didn’t feal any fear at all – I just totally, consciously opened my heart to him.

    He felt it when it happened I could sense it. He just stopped and looked deep into my eyes – he looked a little… surprised – and holy sh*t!! It was intense! It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever felt like I was really, truly making love with someone on a deep, deep level.

    It was incredible – not just the physical sensations, but the emotional sensations. Just…incredible. I can’t think of a term that really describes it, but I can guarantee I’ll be doing that again! Wowser!!!



  44.  #44Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    hmm new potential cd is texting me how is your weekend so far, etc…
    I don’t want to get into lots of text dialogue…but I feel kinda akward because i don’t know him…I don’t want to seem rude…

    What do you sirens think if I reply
    “My weekend is good thanx…I don’t want to text too much, I feel open to chat”

    I’m so bad at this stuff!! I don’t know it sounds akward…??

    LG, Daria, Tinque, et all…your thoughts please



  45.  #45laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Sweetpea, I’ve been thinking about you and your question about business.

    When you first asked, I had the intuition that working with a coach and taking a business ignitor course might be helpful.

    A friend of mine who I never really considered to be very business oriented just took this business ignitor course and now she is on fire! With this course, people come in with an idea already and then they take them through the concrete steps of setting up a business.

    I’m thinking about taking it in Feb.

    Also, what in particular do you feel stuck about?



  46.  #46laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Emerson:

    “My weekend is good thanx…I don’t want to text too much, I feel open to chat”

    I like it. I’d maybe tweak it a little to

    “My weekend is good thanx…I don’t really feel like texting right now. I feel open to chatting on the phone. :-)”

    “My weekend is good thanx…I feel irritated with texting right now, I feel open to chat”

    I dunno, just trying a few things.

    Something about “too much” doesn’t feel good to me. Like if he’s sensitive, he could take that as making him wrong.

    hugs 🙂



  47.  #47Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Daria @ 14,

    I feel closer to you reading your processing about this.

    I appreciate the freedom we both have on here to expose our vulnerabilities and the fact that we’re both doing so. It feels good to not feel distanced by it, but to feel compassion and understanding. It feels good to be able to write about stuff and to be able to disagree and to experience healing around my triggers.

    It feels great to not blame the messenger, but to experience the message and the healing around it.

    I feel appreciation for you!



  48.  #48VW on December 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    LG: #42:

    I love our interaction…I love the clarity in your expression, as always…:) Thank you.

    Warm hugs,



  49.  #49laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I feel concerned that I am being a bit of a biotch with sweetie right now.

    self-judgement

    He woke up in a bad mood about something. We are having a hard time finding good, dry firewood. He’s taking it personally because he wants to be a good provider.

    And I felt scared when I saw that he was feeling unempowered about the situation.

    and I was kind of cold to him

    I want to be more open. I kind of shut down.

    That’s okay, LG. Things can change on a dime. Just open your heart. I sure do love you.



  50.  #50Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    LG @ 21,

    Wow! That’s good stuff.

    Interesting. I wonder what life without beliefs would feel like?



  51.  #51laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    VW: My heart is melting. It feels good to be appreciated and the feeling is mutual. <3



  52.  #52Starla on December 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    not blaming the messenger feels soooo hard sometimes.



  53.  #53laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Izzy: from the last thread

    The Dog Whisperer! Yes, I love him.

    My ex introduced him to me. After we broke up, he sent me a link and told me that he learned a ton about human nature from this dog training book.

    At the time, I was feeling pretty bitter towards him and that “haha, he’s such a dog, he needs to read a dog training book to learn about humans”

    hahaha!

    But ya, Cesar’s got it going on.

    In a way it feels similar to what we are doing here, using our relationships with men as therapy for personal growth…only he is doing it through our relationship with dogs. So cool! I love it.

    I was also feeling a little weird about something related to you. You had mentioned that you felt connected to what I said about not wanting children. And then, when I acknowledged that I did want children, I felt a little worried that you wouldn’t feel connected to me anymore.

    Anyways, just my stuff but I wanted to verbalize it…which kinda dispels the fears and shows me how silly they are.



  54.  #54Liz on December 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Sweetpea @ 43
    that sounds so special and l feel so inspired to open up more now and to let the rewards of opening be greater than the fear….

    thanks for sharing….it must have felt so incredible when he looked in your eyes….that male energy when they tune in to you as a woman…..whew….

    and sweetpea and lg @45: I am starting up a new biz also and it is initially tough getting off the ground….i am taking a free teleconference call on attracting clients from these women on tues evening at 7 pm est it is called close the deal and coach with confidence
    here is the link http://holisticmba.com/closingthedealmain/



  55.  #55Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Emerson @ 25,

    “…Part of it is that I feel “left out” ….I feel insecure and I feel it’s hard to break into the “group”…”

    I’ve felt some fear of this when I think of spending time with MM and his girls. I feel some anxiety even writing about this.

    My experience has been that I feel like a Rockstar when I’ve been around them. They’re warm and open, excited to see me and inviting. Yet I still feel some fear of being the outsider if I were to spend lots of time with them all.

    I dated and was in love with a man who had a terminally ill son – who was an adult. It was a really bad experience. The closer his dad and I got, the more the son expressed disdain for me. Oh boy! I’m noticing I feel fear that this will happen again.

    Ultimately, I ended the relationship because it felt like he was being forced to choose between me and his son – this was long before I found Rori – and I refused to feel responsible for that decision.

    The son came over to my house early one morning, drunk (his Dad was there) and said horrible things to me. Called me a “wh*re and said he should just kill me.” It felt horrible and I ended things soon after that. I just couldn’t imagine living a life of conflict like that.

    I wonder what I would do differently today, knowing what I know now? Lots of stuff – but particularly around the son. Hmmm…food for thought.



  56.  #56Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Emerson. I don’t think your message is rude. It’s honnest. But I’m still not the best at feeling messages and setting my boundaries. Hehe I don’t feel too confident about my advices so far.

    xoxo



  57.  #57Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Sirens thanks for your feedback…
    I’m still undecided but what about
    “Thanx for asking, I feel happy the weather is so nice this weekend…I don’t want to text, I find it easier to talk on the phone. What do you think?”

    Is this “directing” too much?

    lol I’m dissecting one little text message, but this is how we learn right!?



  58.  #58Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    LG @ 26,

    Wow! Describing the feelings this brought up in me seems impossible right now. Thank you for helping me realize I’ve been judging dating lots of men as more worthy and valuable than exclusivity.

    Fargh! I still feel a block to this. Maybe I’ll try tapping to see if I can get this to release…I felt myself shut down in my heart typing that.

    I want to let go of this judgment. I want to be open to exclusivity. Not because it’s more or less valuable, but because it “…is more harmoniously in vibration with your true, essential, core being, and thus you expand to become ‘more of yourself’ in physical reality…”

    Right now, it does feel more harmoniously in vibration with me. I feel more of myself with MM. I feel more of myself when I’m alone, too. When I was dating other guys, it didn’t feel harmonious to me.

    I want this healed. I don’t want drama/debate in my own head about this. I no longer want to manifest drama/debate around this in my reality. I know this is what I’m doing. It’s about my perception, not about anyone else.

    Oh, sweet healing, come to me on this…

    I prefer vanilla right now – exclusivity. I like chocolate – dating many men at once, just as well. I simply don’t prefer chocolate right now.
    I choose to let my vibration remain higher by allowing it to vibrate with what I prefer right now. I honor myself by allowing myself to do so without judgment that I “should” be preferring chocolate.

    Thank you for this!



  59.  #59Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    VW @ 36,

    Imo, yes to all your questions, except for the one about triggering always being negative. That, I believe, is a no.

    For me, when I feel triggered, it’s because there’s something there that needs healing in me. When I feel anger or defensive over something someone says, it’s my baggage – almost always.

    I’m doing a lot of exploring around my feelings about not dating lots of men. It’s something in me that needs healing. It’s not for me right now – I feel confident and comfortable in that knowledge, yet I do believe it’s beneficial.

    “So why do I not feel comfortable doing something that’s beneficial,” I ask myself.

    I’m completely in my head about this. I know what feels good to me, yet I’m devaluing it. Still exploring this and looking for the healing. This is all about me though, not anyone else. There’s something deeper here that needs healing – I’m still exploring what it is.



  60.  #60Liz on December 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Emerson @57
    I really liked the other posts on what to text and your last post sounds good too, but since you said you don’t know him that well yet, is that what feels awkward about texting? I guess I am not clear what you are really feeling resistance about….

    do you want to get to know him better before texting, so talking is easier?

    I like what you said about the weekend….you could just leave it at that….and say nice to hear from you.

    If he texts back, maybe that would be the time to ask for another mode of communication…

    But i am a beginning siren, so feedback from you experienced sirens……?

    and I did get some papers corrected and a workout in,
    i love myself that i can keep focussed.

    i am so glad to have this community to connect with though when reading papers….

    also I have been listening to ‘Althea’ on youtube because the way Jerry Garcia sings it to me seems like the perfect expression of a man reacting to a woman being a siren…..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQFeuAbLHro

    And the lyrics:

    I told althea I was feeling lost, lacking in some direction.
    Althea told me upon scrutiny that my back might need protection.
    I told althea that treachery was tearing me limb from limb.
    Althea told me better cool down boy, settle back, easy jim.

    You may be saturdays child, all alone, moving with a tinge of grace.
    You may be a clown in the burying ground, or just another pretty face.
    You may meet the fate on ophelia, sleeping and penchence to dream.
    Honest to the point of recklessness, self-centered in the extreme.

    Aint nobody messing with you, but you, your friends are getting most concerned.
    Loose with the truth, baby, its your fire, but baby dont get burned.
    When the smoke has cleared, she said, thats what she said to me.
    Gonna want a bed to lay your head and a little sympathy.

    There are things you can replace, and others you cannot.
    The time has come to weigh those things.
    This space is getting hot, you know this space is getting hot.

    I told althea Im a roving son, and I was born to be a bachelor.
    Althea told me, okay, thats fine, so now Im trying to catch her.
    Cant talk to you without talking to me, were guilty of the same old thing.
    Been talking alot about less and less and forgetting the love we bring.

    Once a deadhead, always a deadhead…..
    hope you enjoy



  61.  #61Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    LG @ 45,

    Thank you for your response.

    I think working with a coach would be invaluable, and there’s one in particular I would love to work with, however, I have to manifest some abundance before I CAN work with her.

    A “business ignitor course”? Never heard of that. I’ll check it out.

    My passion and what I believe is my calling, is helping women to reach their goals and highest calling in life, specifically by helping them to accept themselves and helping to boost their self-confidence.

    In a nutshell, what i feel stuck about, is how to do so. I feel like I’m the friend everyone calls to help them problem solve life’s dilemmas, or when they are just feeling down about themselves or life. My gift is that I give people an injection of sunshine when life feels too gray. It feels weird writing that.

    I’ve been playing small in my life for too long. I’m busting out of my shell and back into my “larger than life-ness” that’s been buried in me for so long. (That’s how my favorite boss described me years ago and that’s the last time, until recently, that I felt that way). I still haven’t gotten back to “larger than life”, but I’ve made hella progress in the last year.

    I want to help others do the same. I started out with the idea of being a personal/wardrobe stylist. I still haven’t given up on that, because I think it utilizes a lot of my gifts. I just feel there’s deeper work I can help women do that will boost their self-esteem in a more concret, spiritual sense – so, life coach is the logical choice – specifically a self image coach.

    Does that make sense? I could go on and on about this, but I don’t want to. I just want to feel unstuck. To be able to define this in a more concise sense and get on with it.



  62.  #62Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Starla @ 52,

    I know, huh? It’s something I’m cognizant of, even in the moment I’m feeling triggered. But I’m sure not perfect at it.

    Baby steps though. I remain cognizant of it (in the back of my mind) even when I’m being reactionary, I guess that’s the first step.



  63.  #63Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Liz thanks for the feedback…
    I agree with what you said and I ended up just texting him “Thanx my weekend is good, I feel happy the weather is nice” and we shall see how he replies…
    yes if he texts back then perhaps it will feel appropriate to say “aww ok well I don’t want to text, I find it easier to talk”

    Yes I feel akward because it’s hard to guage tone/intent on text and when you don’t know someone even more so…and I don’t want to sound rude or wierd…??

    I believe it’s been said on here that sirenishness is not texting back and forth (or emailing) too much and calling is better….

    I feel kinda iffy too because “The List” book says the guy will call and this guy texted…but hmm maybe I’m reading into that too much. I really like the List book as it’s reminding me to not waste time on dead ends but just use them for practice anyways.



  64.  #64Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m feeling a great deal of stress around the relationship with my Mom…she is so co-dependent and it’s so tiring to try and read what she means sometimes…I’ve sort of given up and that’s resulted in a lot of distance between us, and I feel anger. I don’t like this but not sure how to handle it from here…



  65.  #65Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Liz @ 54,

    Yay! I feel happy when I inspire people to be more open to love! Maybe I’m doing pennance for the days I probably inspired friends to be less open. :s

    You’re welcome. It did feel incredible – not just the connection and tuning in – now that you mention that – I feel as if he’s always tuned in to me when I’m with him. Completely tuned in.

    He intuits fears in me before I’m even cognizant of them. For example, last night, our dogs got into a fight (don’t know why, they’ve been getting along great). His dog is a rescue and was in hundreds of fights before he was adopted. He was concerned that my dog would get badly hurt, so he stepped in and ended up putting his arm in front of his dog when he went for mine’s throat – Got a pretty bad bite.

    I was concerned about his arm and focused on getting him bandaged up. He told me, “I know you’re worried that I’m going to tell you to take your dog and go home. I’m not. It’s a dog thing and somehow we’ll work it out.”

    I wasn’t even aware that’s what I was feeling, but he was exactly right. He does that regularly. It feels amazing – and it’s almost always about some subconscious fear I’m experiencing. It feels freaky and cool!

    And the best part is, this is what I manifested by becoming more authentic and open! Damn! As Margaret Lynch says, “I AM a good Manifester!”

    Now… to manifest abundance. I know I can, I just have to find that key. Speaking of…thank you for that link. I’ll be on that call – it sounds like it will be way helpful!

    I wish you blessings and success in your new business venture.



  66.  #66RiverGirl on December 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    @63

    Emerson, Your response here sounds really good to me. This is a scenario that keeps repeating for me. Seems each new CD wants to start the texting thing. I have to be careful to remind myself that they are still getting to know me and what I like and that the new guy doesn’t know that I have already had to tell a dozen other guys that I don’t want to text all the time. I find it’s easy to feel irritated especially when I’m not that interested in someone.
    Note to self….”treat them all equally”



  67.  #67RiverGirl on December 11, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    64: Emerson says:

    “I’m feeling a great deal of stress around the relationship with my Mom…she is so co-dependent”

    Emerson, reading this my immediate reaction was that a person can’t be “co-dependent” by themself. I wonder whether it would be helpful for you to look at how this dynamic with your mother is serving you. When you find where this might be, it could a clue to where your boundaries might be weak.
    So hard to say no sometimes, especially to a parent. xo



  68.  #68Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Whew! Finally I’m all caught up.

    The more healing I find for the old fears and anxieties, the better this stuff with MM gets. The more open I’m able to be, the more he steps up. This is HUGE for me!

    The last guy I dated before I found out about Rori, told me after 7 months (when I finally told him I cared about him), that he had no idea. That I needed, in the future, to put my cards on the table and stop playing them so close to my chest.

    That was a huge realization for me. It felt bad, but conversely good to hear. To have someone care enough to give me a swift kick in the pants, felt good, but the fact that I knew it was the truth, really hurt.

    That was my wake-up call and it’s been a long journey to get here. A painful, but ever so rewarding journey.

    Opening up to love feels like opening up to life.



  69.  #69Liz on December 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Emerson @ 63

    let us know what happened….
    what is ‘The List’ book?

    Sweetpea,
    your guy sounds sensitive and amazing….

    one more paper corrected..:)



  70.  #70Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    67 River girl
    You are correct codependency does not happen with one person…the other allows it.
    The problem is that my Mom and I have always had this dysfunctional relationship and I didn’t even realize it until recently.
    I’ve taken steps to change my behavior and not engage in it and it’s caused a great deal of stress between us and for me….because I’m not “playing along” with her roles there is a backlash/adjustment that has to take place and it’s not fun.

    She is not very “self aware” and communicates with a great deal of sarcasm (hostility) and resentment shines through even though she will say things like “oh it’s ok” she does NOT mean it…clearly.

    It gets reaaallly tiring, and she’s much older now, so sometimes I feel like I’m being “mean” to a nice old lady when I’m drawing my boundaries.

    Ack. No wonder I’m so emotionally unavailable sometimes.



  71.  #71Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    It felt truly horrible to see him in pain and I’m realizing I feel a bit guilty and responsible for that. I was misty-eyed while I was bandaging his arm, I felt so bad. He told me, “please don’t cry.”

    Ha ha – that’s a first for him!

    Hmmm – noticing a soup of emotions swimming in me around this. I nearly went to nursing school, but I don’t deal well with the sight of blood, so decided not to. I felt nurturing and proud of myself for dealing with it so well at the time.

    It feels good that one of my gifts is to be able to keep my wits about me during a crisis – to not shut down in situations like that. It sort of feels like being on auto pilot. It was much more difficult dealing with it this morning when I was no longer on auto pilot, but I managed.

    He had to leave for ND – driving an 18 wheeler this morning. I feel concerned that it will be hard for him to shift. He was in a lot of pain. I feel concerned about who’s going to bandage his arm for him while he’s there?

    He’s a big boy – very capable. I feel confident that he’ll make it happen, but it feels horrible. I feel responsible for this, even though I know it’s not my fault.

    I don’t want to beat myself up for this. I don’t want to feel guilty and I don’t want to feel worried about him, and all up in his business.



  72.  #72Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    66 River girl I know what you mean…a lot of guys do that nowadays it seems like the default to text first to break the ice…which for me, it becomes more akward to finally talk on the phone! I feel better just talking on the phone to begin with.

    69 Liz thank you for being interested I feel warm and cared for that you want to know….and I will keep you posted…
    The List is a book I learned about on this blog and I ordered it on Amazon very cheap. Here is a link:

    http://www.amazon.com/List-Ways-Going-Marry-You–/dp/B001GQ3DVU/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323646304&sr=1-7



  73.  #73Femininewoman on December 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    LG I enjoyed reading your comments around judgements and projection. Thanks.



  74.  #74laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    From Wikipedia:

    Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

    …..

    People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put other’s needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they DO stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.



  75.  #75laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    I looked up codependency because I keep hearing about it and I realized, I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant.

    And as I read through, I couldn’t help but think that using the tools we are learning here would really help address it.

    Emerson, have you tried using the tools with your mom?



  76.  #76Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    LG thanks for the info about codependency…I’ve had some real struggles with it myself in my own behavior…
    and my boss at the moment is a lot like my Mom in some ways…
    And everyone tends to say “oh they are soo nice”…and they are indeed nice…
    but there is a price to pay later and a backlash…and it is scary

    I do not want to be like this! I am so happy that I have at least recognized it.
    hmm that’s an interesting question…I have not tried the tools on my mom..maybe a lil bit telling her what I don’t want…but it’s so hard to talk to her sometimes…she is SOOO triggering for me. 🙁 🙁

    I had a counselor like ten years ago tell me to read a book about being codependent and talked about it with me…and I didn’t “get it” … I literally didn’t understand the concept of what it meant..because I was so IN IT…I could not see myself. WOW



  77.  #77laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Sweetpea #61

    So what I’m hearing is, you know you want to be a life coach but you feel unsure of what the next step is to make it happen and you think that you don’t have enough resources to take the steps that you know would take you in that direction, like working with a coach?

    Hmmmm, that’s funny because that is a dream of mine too and I feel unsure of how to move forward with it. I feel confident in more concrete business settings. For me, the coaching thing feels elusive and intangible.

    Since I don’t have successful experience with that myself, I feel unable to offer any helpful advice.

    Maybe we could work through it together since we have a similar thing going on. 🙂



  78.  #78Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Sweetpea = #41 and 43 – YAY!!! I love hearing this. Awesome…

    xxoo



  79.  #79lilybelly on December 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    7:

    TGirl~

    Boomer is doing amazing.



  80.  #80Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Emerson – #44 – I feel good. I don’t want to text much. I would love to hear your voice.

    xxoo



  81.  #81Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    thank you Dominique…I like that.



  82.  #82Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Co-dependency is an unusual word, one difficult to define. I don’t entirely agree with the Wikipedia definition.

    It’s a fine line to cross between dependency because of love and desire to something unhealthy.

    K once asked me if I though we were co-dependent. Yes in in a way we are. We have our own lives, yet so much depends one to the other, me to him and him to me.

    Is this co-dependency? I don’t know, but I do know I wouldn’t want to change anything. I love having a large part of my good feeling feelings be a result of his presence and love.

    xxoo



  83.  #83lilybelly on December 11, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    VW~

    from last article..

    Thank you so much. I feel teary happy about T too.

    Just got back from watching a football game at his house this afternoon. Fun, relaxing and easy. Once again, he took care of everything. Checked the air pressure in my tires, put air in one of them, made lunch, cleaned up…I just had to be.

    I got rear-ended in the car wash today and when I told him, he gasped…fussed over me and all. I was fine, the vehicle was fine and all was well. But, it was cute.

    *sigh*

    *sigh*



  84.  #84RiverGirl on December 11, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Dominique, maybe what you have is more like inter-dependence. xo



  85.  #85Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    82 Dominique
    I think what you decribed is coexistence with love with another human being and is healthy….

    Codependency as I understand it is the tendency to focus on other people and their needs/problems/etc. so that one’s own problems are avoided….

    It’s a very convenient way of coping for people who are victims of abuse because it allows them to feel nice and needed and giving…

    AND when they OVERGIVE…they are allowed to stay in their comfortable role as victim played out as martyr…i.e. “I’m giving you so much and looking out for you…look how I sacrifice for you, etc etc..”

    Very needy of that recognition and at some point it becomes painfully burdensome for the recipient!!!



  86.  #86laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Lillybelly: I feel so happy to hear you are being doted on like the goddess that you are. Yum!



  87.  #87Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    LG @ 61,

    Yes!!! Let’s work together – sounds fantastic!!

    Did you check out the link Liz posted? It looks like a good resource for coaches.



  88.  #88Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Dominique @ 78,

    Thanks! It feels great! Like my fears are magically melting away!

    Question: Do comments on your blog go into moderation. I commented on there a week or so ago, but haven’t seen it.

    Just curious – wondering if it’s because of whatever was going on causing me problems posting comments here, too.



  89.  #89Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Lilybelly @ 83,

    Yay!! This feels awesome to read!! I feel s happy for you.



  90.  #90Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    @87 – I mean work through this together…

    Yay!



  91.  #91RiverGirl on December 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Urghhh! CDing men that I don’t feel attracted to is so hard for me. Have been talking on the phone with an online cd that I haven’t even met yet and I have just received a text from him asking if he could spend New Year with me. Uhmmmm……NO! Gotta find a nicer way to say that.



  92.  #92Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    sometimes I feel hesitant/scared to speak up for myself, and I feel resentful later



  93.  #93Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Sweetpea – Comments only go into moderation if it’s your first time posting. So the answer is no. Please try again. I love seeing comments.

    xxoo



  94.  #94Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    I love, love, love the idea of interdependence as Rivergirl suggests and co-existence with love. Yet I still wonder about the co-dependence thing. Yes I hear you Emerson, yet this sounds more like martyrdom or feelings of insignificance unless there is a someone to care for, maybe overfunction for.

    I have a great deal of myself wrapped up in K. Without a K, I would still be me I suppose, but I can only imagine a shell of a me. It’s truly an as one feeling with him. I can SO understand how when a spouse passes, the other shrivels up and often passes too very soon thereafter.

    I still think there is a very fine line between the healthy and the unhealthy. Maybe it’s defined differently with different couples.

    Just pondering here.

    xxoo



  95.  #95Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Emerson @ 92,

    Me too. And I have a hard time saying “no” – then have a hard time not feeling guilty when I do.

    I’ve been healing that by just doing it anyway. It’s getting better, but still hard.

    For instance, my roomie is in what I call the “I’m talking and I can’t shut up” mode. She gets like this when she doesn’t have enough sleep – which is really bad for her because she’s epileptic and it brings on seizures.

    I’m basically just avoiding her, rather than telling her to “zip it” and go to sleep. Being polite, wasting lots of time listening to her carry on about fingernail polish, pictures, candles, cards, etc when I have work to do! I have healing to attend to here, and lots of other stuff for my biz. It feels like a waste of time.

    I feel compassion toward her. It’s really hard for me to break away without being rude. I’m managing it pretty well today, but then I need to get my dog water & rather than go to the kitchen to get it for her, I just gave her mine because I don’t want to have my time burnt up anymore right now.

    It feels bad, feeling this way. I’m not sure how to say “no” to her, but I keep telling her, “I have to go work now.” Inside, I’m looking at my watch thinking, “there goes another 20 minutes of my precious time.”

    Hiding. Got to stop hiding.



  96.  #96Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Dominique, thank you for sharing that…

    I think it’s beautiful to be that in love and invested in another person…and I truly believe it can be healthy if we are SELF AWARE and we don’t look to that other person to fix what feels empty or to escape what feels painful from our past etc….

    but rather they are a valuable loving addition and beautiful bonus to have around every day…they add something to us rather than cover something up or help us escape something…

    Just pondering also…



  97.  #97Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    82 Dominique – I love that! And that’s the type of relationship I want! 🙂



  98.  #98Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Dominique @ 93,

    Will do. I feel honored to.

    @ 94,

    I’ve said for a long time that successful relationships seem to have a healthy level of co-dependence. I’m pondering this one with you.

    Much of that definition felt familiar to me, yet I’ve never had a problem with being alone. Well…I can’t say “never,” but it’s been a long time since I’ve had that problem, as in about 20 years.

    Now, at times it feels hard to imagine being in a relationship because I feel selfish about my “Me time”. I require lots of it.



  99.  #99Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Sweetpea…thank you for sharing that. I hope that you are able to find a healthy boundary.

    I tend to chat too much to people and I catch myself now… so I kinda giggled when I read this because I thought omg her roommate is kinda like me….

    maybe she just needs someone to talk to and you are a safe and kind ear for her to have…aww I feel compassion toward both of you…

    As a chatty cathy myself, I don’t mind when people say oh Emerson I’d love to talk to you but I can’t right now because xxx…” I get the hint and kinda giggle at myself…I know it’s kinda embarrasing but it’s helped me grow.



  100.  #100Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    61 Sweetpea – I’m a certified life coach in Australia after doing some study. I’m not sure if this will help but there is the international coaching federation site you can look at, and selfgrowth.com might give you some ideas too.

    I have a profile set up at self growth and a lot of my leads come from that site. It’s worth talking a look at, even if it’s just to see what other coaches are doing. xxx



  101.  #101Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Emerson @ 96,

    Beautifully put. I think you may be right, too.

    We are all enough to fill ourselves up; fulfill our own needs. Some of us have a harder time remembering that than others, and that’s where the co-dependence comes in. I’m giving you the “Webster’s Seal of Approval” for your definition of that!

    I feel completely self-fulfilled these days – happy just being me. It sure is nice to have MM around as a bonus, though. Yum!



  102.  #102Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    101 sweetpea 🙂



  103.  #103Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Emerson @ 99,

    Lol! I tend to be a chatty cathy myself at times, so I suspect this is a slightly exaggerated mirror for me. (Sheesh! I hope it’s exaggerated!)

    The funny thing is, it used to be that you couldn’t hardly talk to this girl in the morning for about the first hour. I wake up raring to go and it used to irritate the crap out of her. This feels a bit like karma.



  104.  #104Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    BW @ 100,

    Excellent!! Thank you so much – I’ll go check those sites out!

    The thing is, the last 2 years, I’ve had a really hard time finding a decent paying job – or any job at all, really. Finally, when I got laid off last time, I decided this was the Universe telling me, “quit playing it small and get thee to pursuing your calling”.

    I know I have a higher purpose and I’ve been left with little choice but to start pursuing and defining it. This is my year of growth and I’ve been dedicating myself to it – basically full-time (the last two years, actually). I feel grateful for the opportunity to learn about me, become completely authentic and bust through a lot of barriers, but I feel soooo weary of the financial struggle it’s brought with it and being dependent on others.

    I know there’s a greater plan at work here and it’s great to have that confidence. And…I love when my power at manifesting reveals itself. I told LG earlier that I needed help defining more concisely what I’m doing and immediately received a link where I found a video addressing that. And now this.

    Thank YOU – and thank you, Universe! Yippee!! I feel excited!



  105.  #105LILI 41 on December 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    I feel so awesome after last night’s Xmas party with coworkers. 🙂

    I felt so good and comfortable about how I looked.
    I had eye contact lenses so my eyes weren’t hiding behind my glasses.
    I felt really confident and smiley. 🙂

    This was my 4th party with this job.
    I felt so different this time.
    I always have loads of fun. What was different this time was that I felt really “connected” to people.
    I was warm, smiley, open, made eye contact…all very easily and naturally with no effort whatsoever.

    I was standing next to our table w D, and so many men just came up to me to say Hi and kiss me on the cheeks.
    Leaning back and they were all coming to me.
    D kept asking who is that, what does he do?

    The married company plumber said we don’t get to see each other very much.
    I replied ” I’ll flush some tampons down the toilet to clog the plumbing so you have an excuse to come by and say hello. loll 😀 ”

    I even danced w a former love interest. It was just rockn roll dancing, it was fun!
    That was sorta a “no hard feelings” peacemaking after our fallout of 4 years ago after a short 4 month relationship.

    D was his usual friendly social fun guy. I love going to my parties w him bc I don’t have to worry about keeping him entertained, he entertains himself.

    I think he got jealous of the attention I was getting from the men after a while. He started to pay alot of attention for a long time to a coworker’s wife.
    I didn’t feel triggered one bit by that.
    I felt confident in leaning back and just letting him be himself.

    I went to him on the dancefloor after a while and we had so much fun dancing. We danced the “last call” 3 slow dances to close off the evening.
    We were all clingy. It felt so good. He looked all proud to showoff that he got the prize siren at the end of the evening.

    Aftewards, we were hanging around clowning around w people and having fun.
    We were saying our goodbyes and he sarcastically suggested that I go say goodbye to my old flame.
    He said “aren’t you going to say goodbye to your M?”
    I said it’s OK, it doesn’t matter.
    He said “I understand if you still want to speak to him even if he’s an ex.”
    I said OK and went over to say goodbye to M.
    I kept it short and sweet. He said thank you for dancing w him and he looked really happy feeling forgiven for water under the bridge.

    It was an amazing evening and I felt sooo sireny!

    D even made arrangements w work to show up 3 hours later today so he could stay up late and have fun w me.

    When he left around noon, I said to him ” I had a great time w you. I love to have you w me every year at the party. Thank you for coming, I’m glad you came.”
    He said “we” had alot of fun.

    A few coworkers took pictures of me and D together.
    They will be bringing them to me on usb keys tomorrow at work.
    I can’t wait to see them on big screen, they were beautiful pictures. 🙂



  106.  #106Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Ok! Now for the update on last night! I feel so happy today. Not just because I had a fantastic time, but also because I learned something crucial!

    My ex arrived to pick up my baby and after he left, TH says “Ok! Want to come down the coast? If so, start packing!”.

    Now, I have to tell you that my inner boy was freaking out at this point! Where was all the planning??? Haha!

    But… I let it go and decided to let TH lead. He had it all worked out I was sure! And he sure did! He had booked us a hotel room and had organized for us to go and see Xzibit perform. For those of you who don’t know him, he’s a rapper from the US.

    I’m not normally into that sort of music but it certainly grows on you when you’re in a club with that atmosphere!

    So it turns out we’re in the same hotel as Xzibit and his entourage and I ended up in the hotel lift with his bodyguard! OMG he was HUGE!! Mind you I didn’t realise that’s who he was until after I told TH about this huge dude and he got all excited!

    TH was all over me all night too. He showed me more affection than ever before and I was loving EVERY second!

    As we were walking back to our hotel he thanked me for joining him (!). I thanked him for the invite and told him how much fun I’d had.

    It was a great night!

    So here’s some things I learned. As my inner boy was freaking out, I started working out the logistics of when we’d leave the hotel in the morning, and was trying to work out what meetings I had today etc. He said: “What is it with girls and planning? Just relax!”. So that’s when I switched back into my feminine mode and let him lead.

    And one more thing… He mentioned something last night about the fact that I did not freak out at him on Friday night. In fact, I ended up leaning right back while remaining open to his texts.

    He was going to come over that night but changed his mind due to the time and he also had to go back to work for a while. I responded to that with “ok :)” and he then leaned forward, offering to help me pick up my eldest daughter’s Christmas present. I thanked him for the offer and went to sleep.

    The next morning he messaged me to ask me to let him know when I was on my way. By this time I had decided to just go home if I’d not heard from him but he pulled through.

    So yeah. It seems my “freaking out” episodes have played a huge part in him keeping that wall up in front of him. We still have a way to go but I really do think that wall was lowered ever so slightly… and all because I leaned back and just “accepted” things without attacking him.



  107.  #107Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Oh dear! One of my good friends just text me to tell me she’s been diagnosed with a rare cancer of the kidneys. He husband was just diagnosed with Hep C and prostate cancer. She just turned 41.

    I feel scared for her and crying right now.



  108.  #108Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I feel weird tonight. Like empty. Like I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I can’t even say if it’s a good or a bad feeling. I feel that I was so disconnected from reality in the last 2 days. Friday party witg an old old CD and all these CDs that were texting me at the same time and than nothing in the whole weekend. Not even a girl friend has called me. Not even a post on Facebook. Oh except maybe DjCD who texted me last night and I was already sleeping and never answered back because I said to myself I was leaning very far away back because of what I told him on Friday. Oh I took good care of myself do not worry, I took care of my hangover, did my jog, went to the museum with my mom… And I feel good about having a whole weekend all by myself but still kind of sad about having no one wondering about me…

    And I was thinking all day about the message that P sent me on Friday “I begin to miss you”, wondering what this means… I know I am not suppose to over analyze, but I can’t help myself to think that this is a good thing and I know I shouldn’t. But it makes me smile. And I want to take it out of my head because it might means nothing and I don’t want to be disapointed again so I should just let it go and just appreciate the moment WHEN he does make a move towards me, if he does…

    And I am wondering if I am not sometimes acting too much like a boy. When I party and drink vodka. Does that makes men treat me like a man? Just wondering…

    Ahhh just so many questions in my mind right now about if I am acting in a siren way or not.

    And I think S just poofed. I was so hopeful regarding that but I guess I did a lot of mistake. Good way to learn…

    And if P is going to come back in my life, I want it to be perfect. I want to be the most amazin siren he never met.

    But no Lizka, don’t think of him coming back into your life… Just live the moment. You are in your bed in your new sexy lingerie. Only one week left and you’re gonna be on vacation. The visit at the museum was great. Just breathe Lizka…

    Sorry if that sounds all confused. I guess this is how I am feeling tonight… Confused…



  109.  #109Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    BW @ 105,

    Ohhh! Really, really awesome!

    I love sharing in everyone’s successes and growth! Thank you for sharing!!



  110.  #110Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    I should clarify (god I hate typing on my phone!) that he actually mentioned how pleased he was with how I handled things on Friday night and that was part of the reason why he decided to invite me down the coast.

    Oh. And how could I forget? He also indicated that he wanted to take me to a music festival in March! MARCH!!

    Ok not reading into that, but the point is, the less I freak out the better things are. And I do know there’s nothing going on between him and anyone else.

    I’ve just got to trust him while at the same time looking after myself by CDing. 🙂



  111.  #111Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Ho BW I’m so happy for you and your story feels so good and hopeful to read! And very inspiering! It seems to have work for you!! You are a siren! Congrats!!

    xoxo



  112.  #112Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    106 Sweetpea – OMG that’s way too young! 🙁 Thinking of you and sending you strength. xxx



  113.  #113Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Sweetpea, I am so sorry for you. It’s Ok to cry if you feel sad and scared for your friend. Sending you some good energy.



  114.  #114Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    107 Lizka – I often have trouble because I’m too much in boy mode. I’m slowly learning to let my girl out more often but there’s still a way to go.



  115.  #115Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Another thing I’m celebrating from this weekend, even though I know in a man’s timeline it means nothing, is MM told me he wants to meet my Dad. He asked me if he comes through often and told me he wants to meet him.

    Right before that, he was talking with his best friend (from Cali) on the phone. I started to walk into the bar to leave him to conversate in private and he grabbed me and hugged me. Then told him friend, “hang on. There’s someone I want you to talk to,” and handed the phone to me.

    I chatted with his friend for a minute and gave the phone back. When MM got off the phone, he told me he’s talked to his friend about me.

    Significant or not, it feels good to know that despite feeling like “the secret,” where his kids are concerned, I’m beginning to come out of that “dirty little secret” feeling.

    Mind you, I processed through all that without having to mention a word to him about it, and now, I get some confirmation that indeed, I’m not a secret.
    More and more healing keeps coming to me. I’m starting to feel like a “whole” person again. I’m finding my bliss. I love that the Universe is just handing to me whatever it is that I desire. It’s manifesting in days. I claim this for abundance too, oh yes I do – I accept it!



  116.  #116Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    But is partying and drinking and making people laugh being a boy?

    Friday, one of my new coworker said I was a “show”. It thought it was nice because I love surprising people and making them laugh.

    If this is being a boy, I’m not too sure I want to fight it because I love the feeling and I feel alive when I act like that…



  117.  #117Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    BW @ 111,

    Thank you! I’ll accept all the extra strength I can right now.

    Last week I actually started the book I’ve been contemplating writing for about a year – called Letters to Mom. Ever since I lost my Mom to cancer (she was 39), I’ve written letters to her when I’m really missing her. I feel compelled to share my story in hopes that it will help others grieving loss of a loved one.

    I was writing about how I had this false belief that “everyone I care about dies young.” It was a really strong belief when I was young and I couldn’t remember how I came to that belief for a couple of days. And then I remembered that the first puppy I got, and the first thing I really allowed myself to open up to, died from parvo when she was 12 weeks old – this was about 3 years after I lost my Mom. And when I got Tanya’s text, I thought, here we go again with this belief.

    I just lost my 55 year old friend and dogsitter to liver cancer in October, now this. This is being brought up for me to heal, I know – but holy crap if it doesn’t feel overwhelming right now. I don’t want to have to lose anyone else for this to heal.

    Oh! It feels like talking nonsense. I know it’s not true but it feels horrible right now. I feel so freaking scared!!



  118.  #118Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Actually that’s all got me thinking…

    When I’m attacking, I’m being a boy. When I am leaning forward and overfunctioning, I’m being a boy.

    He is also a very masculine man. He really doesn’t like my boy. At all!

    So of COURSE he’s going to step back or turn away when I’m being like this!

    Instead of being a boy, I should be the one stepping back. I should put my focus on me, and if my boy wants to be let out, then I should let him out to help me plan things to do that will take my mind off him.

    And I’m perfecting my butterfly visualization too – fluttering its way to happy thoughts!

    Wow. I really feel like I have grown a lot over the last few days… It’s that time of the month too and usually that makes me grumpy. This happy feeling is a good sign

    Hmmm going to blog about my butterfly visualization I think! If it helps me, then it will certainly help someone else. Yay!



  119.  #119Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Lizka @ 112,

    Thank you! xoxo

    I sometimes feel like you were describing earlier. I call it “surreal” when I journal about it. Reading what you wrote, the feeling I get is “disconnected”. And that’s how I feel when I’m like that – disconnected from the world – like I’m floating in the atmosphere – not grounded.

    I don’t like that feeling very much – and thankfully, haven’t felt that way in a few months. Hugs and good energy to you, too.

    Maybe you could try Rori’s tree exercise – where you imagine a tree going up along your spine. Next time I feel this way, I will try it, too. I also heard the same concept on a call earlier this week – imagine leaning with your back against a tree and feeling grounded through it, deep into the earth – like the tree roots.



  120.  #120Dominique on December 11, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    sending love and hugs sweetpea.

    and by the way, I feel no lack of ME time though it helps that I work from home.

    xxoo



  121.  #121light heart on December 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    33Daria

    “i would encourage you to use feeling messages or not respond rather than mirroring.”

    thank you. that sounds like good advice, because they need some kind of sign of receptivity. The guy who cancelled the dinner date got back in touch, but I sensed he was needing more indication that I was interested, so I stepped up the feeling messages.

    So, to something like,
    “I’m free for the next couple of days”, what would you say? I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

    🙂
    light heart



  122.  #122Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    OMG Sweetpea! No wonder this is upsetting you so much. I can’t even try to imagine how awful it would be to lose my mother so young. My heart goes out to you. xx

    And I just want to say that what you’re doing with that book is amazing! Once you’re finished, if you need help promoting it I’m more than happy to help. I think you’re doing a beautiful thing and I can just see how many lives it will touch and make that little bit better.

    The 23rd of this month signifies 10 years since I lost my grandmother to cancer, so any cause that involves helping those who are left I will support wholeheartedly. I still remember the pain and devastation of losing her too many years before her time. 🙁



  123.  #123lk on December 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    I feel shaky & backwards & underwater a little from the dark & the overwhelm over the past days.

    Friday I woke still wanting to find out about the winter world & the hiding & the melting… picked DW up at the airport & brought him home to get settled… we relaxed & i knew already what the girl looked like & he showed me the picture I was like, yes, i knew : ) & then his sister too – how sweet ! he told me about the dreams. i hurt my foot but could see how it was so I put a piece of tape on it & tapped out the imbalances…

    we walked in to see the books & then around the dark building i like & then up to the park where the kids still were in school, so the ball was out & we kicked it back & forth in the snow & went on the swings & we talked about everything including the really bad thing that is getting better & really i knew it wasn’t bad because i know that about life.

    then we went to change & get warm & we went to the fancy party with me driving easily, no wrong turns, & found the billiard party which made me feel like the goddess of the world. someone even asked to take my picture, just saying i looked so pretty : ) & then we went & walked to find food & then the scary place & the scary bathroom but he fixed it, saying just let’s have fun & just do whatever you want & i’ll help : ) wow, that was nice : )

    then back home & so sleepy, me on the floor & him on the bed. making preparations for the gift & then seeing the lioness….

    then early, then coffee, then water, then driving, then the policeman & the big Lean Back that saved me & the mountain exit & the lobby & the cool place to go & a big hug goodbye

    then the calm ride down the mountain into the day…. then all in a flash getting the OH it’s not a lioness, it’s a lion — oh, the King & the Queen : ) YES….. & getting to the painting class just on time, a cigarette before. the woman & the man flirting : / making me feel weird since they are both married. the bad looks & the rushing through & the over-familiarity with materials & the unwillingness to take advice.

    home & dressing & quick to get breakfast & quick down to the meeting

    CDcd waiting & we park & i get into his car & I share breakfast – his first food & mine too for the day, though it’s late – & we go up on the roads.

    in, it’s cute! wow, & the work is phenomenal. i’m so impressed & scared. the music & the food. the joke the bad joke & me saying, no & this is why & both of us laughing : ) & going so slow over the parts where we have a gap so that the whole thing doesn’t fall apart – slow bridging – like weaving one invisible thread of silk at a time to tie the whole tight rope of connection. same problem with the music sickness, with the chile peppers, with the painting, LOL with the guacamole, with the religion, & with the gender.

    i get scared at the loneliness but that’s not what it is. then he shows me – this is what you said was a personal boundary – like telling a story but the whole story was just, i know you have a boundary for yourself, but i don’t share that boundary – & i heard & understood & just said, yes, that sounds nice for you : ) it’s not a problem for me that you don’t share that boundary yourself.

    he shared for me that there are some things he thinks make more sense for the man to do. thank you, i agree : )

    he was so open with me & i was so open with him that it was kind of amazing…. even saying, oh i feel a little scared right now…. all the time, in the moment

    he told me how he can do his life a better way a little just to help me & make it better for me to let him come closer

    finally… in the dark in the movie, he says, “Can I hold you ? ….” I laugh, he says, “… or is that out of line…” i say, that sounds nice & i ask for a pillow & all night he cuddles me, not moving his hands around, not staying still either, but not trying to get something from me…. just all gentle & careful & kind & my heart beat & his heart beat running both faster & faster like racing each other……. taking my hand once…. then in the bed, just so close & warm & one kiss goodnight on the back of my neck……….. then in the middle of the night…. just one kiss on my forehead……. then just cuddling no matter which way i turn. just slow gentle warm hands. soft arms. gentle holding. no grabbing, no rubbing, just gentle touching. just shoulders & hips. so sensitive & barely sleeping, heart pumping & adrenaline dripping… smelling my hair… gentle closeness at the neck…. waking me saying, “lk, you’re beautiful” then just, “i’d like to make you breakfast” & then one kiss on the cheek

    then on the sofa, feet warm underneath & then rush out the door suddenly to go to the church to meet family… close & buzzing & breathing in the church… & then after everything just a close hug face close to face & warm & nice & safe & not scary…



  124.  #124light heart on December 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    LG
    Want to let you know that I love the super links, AH, etc. on opinions, judgments, triggers…thank you
    insightful stuff!
    love the convo with VW, too

    🙂
    light heart



  125.  #125Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Thank you Sweetpea! 🙂 I will definitly try it.

    I just did a short breathing exercice and practice thinking of nothing (this is super hard for me since… Ever!!). I am feeling more relax now and I will go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and a new week and a lot of projects coming up. I will focus on these.

    Good night Sweetpea and BW (and all the other Sirens). Just coming here and write about my non-feeling made me feel better. This cyber place is amazing.

    xoxo



  126.  #126Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    115 Lizka – I suppose it depends on how you’re coming across. Are you leaning back or forward?

    I’m often seen as a bit of a clown or a joker but I also know I’m often in my masculine energy too.

    For me, just becoming aware of your energy will be enough to help you make a shift, even if it’s just a slight one.



  127.  #127Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    122 lk

    I like 🙂



  128.  #128Lizka on December 11, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    125 BW

    This gives me things to think about… Not sure if I am leaning back or foward while being my own show… I could practice leaning back while doing it. Don’t know how yet but I’ll think it out… But I don’t want to stop because this is me being true and authentic. This is who I am and it’s probably one of the thing that I am more proud about myself… Will find a way to do it more feminine maybe. Thank you for inspiration.

    🙂



  129.  #129Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Dominique @ 119 –

    Thank you for the love and hugs.

    I’ve been thinking that “me time” won’t be as big a deal for me now, too – since I’m starting my own biz, too. And I trust that it will grow and become the avenue to abundance that I need it to be so I can continue working from home.



  130.  #130lk on December 11, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Both DW & CD mentioned the vivid dreams… reminds me that jx was telling me he was dreaming of me… CD said he’s been having them just since he met me o_0 that feels intense

    the big moon with DW, the partial lunar eclipse on the ride up with DW, the full moon with CD : )

    CDcd…. touching & being close was insane. i’m fully body-craving him now…. i just want to be close to him. i couldn’t believe when he just woke & wanted to rise this morning… i just wanted to lie there cuddling forever.

    then later i felt his fears coming up i almost mirrored them, but then i remembered i’m not really afraid & so i just let his fears sit out there in front of us in the sunlight until they dried & faded & then new moments were born : )

    some stories were scary, but i feel inspired. also, the things that scared me the most in the first place are now actually the things i want & admire & enjoy.

    now i’m thinking of CD’s eyes…. cd’s fingernails…. soft skin…. feel melty & enamored… that’s too much, lk… i feel scared for you ….

    CD did invite me to spend days with him soon : ) & also he said he wanted to get tickets for us to go to the show in March, which made me feel permanent & highly valued… & also made other plans in the spring “when the snow melts”……………

    there was the question about solutions & he did show me that he wasn’t a problem person.

    i do know that one thing about him that he is very scared of : ) but i have already healed that in myself x3 & i have also healed it in someone else, from far away, so i know i can heal that for him too : )

    I’m excited to help with the other thing, too & that will be very good for both of us & i also just want more of those buzzy hours together….

    it feels scary to be this happy, but i don’t want to be closed off & getting surprised by pain is better than being numbed by suspicion.



  131.  #131lk on December 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    also, except for the big bruise : / & a little bit of swelling around the tear, my foot is entirely healed : ) there is no pain & no wobbliness in the tissue now after i “trellised” the stretched parts with some anchor tape placement



  132.  #132Mel on December 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Sweetpea,

    First of all, ((hugs))! Secondly, I think your letters book sounds like a touching and beautiful idea. I hope that you keep pursuing it, because I think it could really help a lot of people through some difficult times.

    Also I wanted to comment on your “being a secret” thought. I’m glad to hear that your secretiveness is diminishing and you are slowly being unveiled. I’m starting to feel that way as well. Mr. A asked me what I was doing for New Year’s Eve and suggested that perhaps that could be the night I meet the kids. I feel really touched because not only has he been thinking of introducing me, but he has chosen a special occasion to do so.

    This weekend, he also accompanied me on a road trip to attend a dinner party with a few of my friends. He fit-in magnificently and two of my girlfriends commented that he seems absolutely lovely and sweet and like a kind soul and that it was obvious that he is crazy about me. 🙂 That felt good.

    He still refers to me as his “friend” when talking to family though… so I’m still a bit of a secret. LOL 🙂



  133.  #133lk on December 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    maybe i’m being paranoid… but i think my parents are being weird about CD. if they don’t like it, seriously i have no problems taking sides. & i’d not be on the family side. by the way, that move alone would give me total victory, win-win. : ) I know my parents love me & i know i can show them when something is very important.

    I’m letting myself get all swirly & obsessed so i can memorize that good feeling of the gentle cuddling that was so respectful & the no kissing & the very most gentle kisses……… i know that at any time before this in my life, i would have kissed back & escalated the situation… but i feel good because i just was open to what he gave to me with no expectations & I know that he only did what he wanted… no rushing, no pressure : ) the breath on the back of my neck & him smelling my hair….. i feel like passing out. & i feel excited to see him again & to feel calm & then maybe we will want to kiss finally : ) the neck kiss goodnight still kills me to imagine…



  134.  #134Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    BW @ 121,

    Thank you – it feel supported and hopeful about my money picture tonight. This reminds me that I came across an email from Arielle Ford about her support for anyone wanting to write a book. I need to check that out.

    I actually have it flagged for follow up tomorrow. The really funny thing is that I got the email Nov. 26, but didn’t see it until after I did the tapping work (for wealth). Feels like a charmed life I’m living right now. Everything feels opening up.

    Sorry to hear about your grandmother. So hard losing people we love.



  135.  #135Mel on December 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Hey sweetpea,

    Have you thought of self-publishing through Amazon?

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/seller-account/mm-summary-page.html?topic=200260520

    Just a thought…



  136.  #136Liz on December 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Sweetpea,
    Thanks for sharing about your mom and writing letters to her when you miss her…I am sorry to hear about your friend…sending you strength



  137.  #137Liz on December 11, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Good night, sirens…..may the beautiful moon bless you all tonight and may you find healing and all the love that you desire



  138.  #138luzydel on December 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    I feel a bit crappy…I feel bad because SC texted me yesterday, I told him I don’t want contact because i want to move on etc. I feel he does not respect my wishes and my feelings. The worst is that he texted me to remind me of his Birth day…

    Ugh!



  139.  #139Daria on December 11, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Light heart – well he’s not proposing anything,
    I wouldn’t actually know what to do here

    I might experiment with:

    🙂

    Or …

    Awesome 🙂

    Or…

    Awesome 🙂 It would feel great to see you

    Writing this I’m realizing I could go way honest and say:

    I feel confused… Are you asking me out? 🙂

    Hmm thanks for bringing that up light heart

    .

    I tend to feel confused and judgmental when a man says stuff like that, and if I notice I feel that way I don’t answer

    I don’t answer texts much anyway…



  140.  #140Daria on December 11, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Luxury – I would take it as a compliment that he can’t keep himself away from me. Men don’t usually respect those kinda things… They’re driven to get close to us, not stay away



  141.  #141Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Mel @ 134,

    No, I didn’t know such a thing was a possibility. Thanks a bunch – I’ll check that out.



  142.  #142Daria on December 11, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Yay BW feeling so good to read



  143.  #143Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Liz,

    Thank you – for 135 and 136!

    Star dust and sweet dreams to you!



  144.  #144T-Girl on December 11, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Sweetpea – so sorry to hear about your friend.



  145.  #145lk on December 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    aww & CD putting his head on my knee while i drank coffee : ) & also that big “me-first” trigger from jx & ht… healing so fast with CD, since every time i get triggered about it, he is actually doing something for me, once i understand it : )



  146.  #146lk on December 11, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    also….. sitting next to him in church, he smelled so good i could hardly do anything but breathe.

    also, ignoring the 2 ways of flirting i don’t like… works ok…. want to practice with them as they come up & see if a new solution is presented



  147.  #147Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Thank you, TGirl. xxx



  148.  #148Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    133 Sweetpea – I have several friends who are recent authors and I know of several resources that could help you.

    Also, if you’re planning on marketing your services and book etc online, I can help you with that too – because one of my little pursuits was that of an online marketing consultant. I have some wonderful mentors who have taught me sooo much and I’m more than happy to pass that info to a fellow siren! I no longer actively promote that business now due to lack of time and because the coaching is my ultimate passion. But I do pick up work occasionally and it’s nice to know I’ve helped another small business owner! Feel free to email me if you want – mishy0811 (at) hotmail (dot) com.

    Now, back to this sharing thing… I missed your post earlier.

    TH “hid” me for a VERY long time, and I felt unworthy and like I was something to be ashamed of.

    Part of the reason of course was because we work together and we wanted to be careful about that. But yeah. I was never included in anything.

    But as time has gone on, he’s been much more comfortable about us. I’ve met his mother and his sister, and most of his friends. He’s also told a couple of coworkers about us and a few others already know. Just last week when he asked me to join him while he was out, he was with another guy from work and was even showing me affection in front of him! That was a first!

    And last night he kept planting kisses on me – right in front of his friends!

    It’s been a year and a half now, and yes we’ve progressed slowly. But when I think of it, it IS progress! So your situation looks like it’s improving too!

    And yay Mel! So glad the dinner party went well – and I was quietly confident that your friends would like him, based on what you’ve said about him! 🙂



  149.  #149Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    141 Daria – thank you. Despite my 2.5 measly hours of sleep I feel so happy right now! I so hope I can maintain this! 🙂



  150.  #150light heart on December 11, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    138
    Thanks, Daria

    for the suggestions. Yes, it’s that ambiguity that makes it confusing. I really sense that he wants me to make the first move, and I won’t do it.

    I don’t mind text convos so much, but this has been going on too long without him making any kind of suggestion of getting together, or calling on the phone. It feels like he is trying to stay in my orbit,keep my interest and energy around him, without really doing anything. Like he’s dangling a carrot. Or else he’s doing a mating dance, like the peacock. ;). The good thing is that I don’t feel frustrated, because I am in stealth super belief mode in knowing & having what “I” WANT and so far, I’m not seeing it with him, so no reason to get frustrated, because the Universe knows my desire, and it will comply, someway, somehow. Getting frustrated will keep me out of the vortex.

    the good news is that the dinner date guy invited me for a drink this week, and I have a lot of things and a party to look forward to at week’s end, so JCD can continue without me, it’s becoming somewhat boring, tiresome and a blip on my screen. After all, it’s been a year.

    🙂
    light heart



  151.  #151Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Wow! So my roomie has this cards that are inspirational/spiritual growth – you pick one, sort of like you would a tarot card I guess – pick a daily card, which I do rarely. When I was telling her about all the cool info and resources I’m getting tonight, she insisted I draw 2.

    What they said is so fitting right now- The first one was: “Don’t Make Assumptions – Let your life be transformed. When you stop making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable, and your life is completely transformed. Magic just happens in your life. What you need comes to easily because spirit moves freely through you.”

    The second: “Don’t Make Assumptions – Be Yourself Around Others. The biggest assumption that humans make is that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. We are afraid to be ourselves around others because we think others will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.”

    Holy frijole! This is just the stuff I’ve been experiencing healing around the last few days – not blaming the messenger in our triggering/ healing fests, etc.



  152.  #152light heart on December 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    @149.

    I didn’t mean to imply that JCD and I have never gotten together in a whole year. It’s been FWB, but I would be open to more, however, he’s not operating out of his full masculine, so it’s stopping up the works. So, now, because we were both not happy about not bringing out the best in each other over the past couple of months, we stopped talking almost four weeks ago, and started up again, but only with texts. Now it’s been a week of texting.
    Like I said before, it’s no biggie, he’s on equal par with all other men, friends, activities, and I am monitoring myself so that it stays that way.

    🙂
    light heart



  153.  #153Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Mel @ 131,

    Thank you and wow, wow! I think all of my friends are about half in love with MM because he treats me so well and they care about me so much. Sounds like the same for you.

    I feel really encouraged about my book. I was feeling a little hesitant about how helpful it would be once I started it. It’s been a long journey from losing my mom though, I’ve been through hell and come out the other side feeling sparkly. I guess it would be encouraging for others in that situation to know that it’s not the end of the world – although it felt like it for a long time.

    I’m thrilled about the progress with MM! Even though I know it doesn’t mean much except that I’m healing around this feeling secret. Super exciting that A has a plan to introduce you to the kids! How exciting!!

    I think I was talking with you about the “mirror” of the secret and asking ourselves who we were hiding him from. Mine was my Dad – for what still feel like valid reasons. MM asked me if I’ve talked to my Dad about him. I told him no, I’ve talked to my brother, but not my Dad. Maybe it’s time I let the cat out of the bag. I feel so hesitant to do that though – no NVs Dad, please.

    I feel a lot of anxiety around that, actually – but MM’s ready to take him on – head on. My Dad’s a little dogmatic around his faith – doesn’t believe Catholics are Christians, and MM is Catholic. I actually told MM that and he’s ready to go to battle (verbal only, of course…. I hope?) with him for me – that’s how it feels to me.

    My sister-in-law, whom I adore, is also Catholic and my Dad and I had long conversations about that when I first started standing up to him. My Dad’s gonna have a freakin fit if both his kids end up with Catholics – oh well – healing for him, I guess. My Dad gets to heal with me too! That feels kind of exciting!

    MM and I also talked some about the kid situation – just the fact that I was feeling he didn’t think I can handle them. He says he’s pretty convinced I can – so that’s a switch from before. Still no plans made – I’m still feeling ok with that. Baby steps. It’ll happen when I’m ready for it – I think I have a little more healing to do before I’m ready for that though.

    Writing about my exbf whose son held me in such disdain brought up a lot of stuff for me, so I’m on my way there. Not quite there yet, though.

    Glad to hear you’re ready for it. Yay!

    (No offense to anyone Catholic out there, I hope. The opinions expressed are my Dads and not the opinion of this station or its affiliates…)



  154.  #154Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    BW @ 148,

    Wow! That would feel so awesome! I will gladly take you up on your kind, generous offer. It is misHy0811, correct? (Just checking since you mentioned earlier you’re typing on your phone…

    Sounds like TH is really turning into a step up guy. Sounds like an amazing weekend! I feel amazed at how quickly things turn around once we shift our vibe.

    I feel super excited about how things seem to be unfolding for me and my biz tonight! Thank you so much!

    I feel really, really happy for you and the turn around! How exciting!



  155.  #155Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Yep you’ve got it right Sweetpea!

    And I think TH and I have a long way to go, but if things can keep heading in the direction they are now then I’ll be very happy!

    I’m also very happy I have plans this week that don’t involve him – that’s helping my vibe a lot too I think.

    🙂



  156.  #156Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Ok – headed your way from amwiser1!

    Thanks again!

    I feel most excited about what’s going on with you and TH because in my experience, executing the change of vibe is the hard part. Once you get it, it’s easier to do again if you fall out of it. Really, really excited for you! This is the beginning of big things for you – I can feel it!



  157.  #157Butterfly wings on December 11, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    I feel so tired and wish I didn’t have a charity event to go to tonight. I know I’ll be ok once I’m there but I do wish I was going straight home.

    My car is at TH’s house so I’m seriously thinking of leaving work early and having a nap for an hour or so at his house before going out. The event is only a 5 minute drive from his house which is good.

    It’s days like this that I wish I still worked at home!!



  158.  #158laughing goddess on December 11, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Sweetpea: from the last thread.

    “I believe it has more to do with my striving for perfection, than it actually has to do with my feelings around dating other men.’

    When I read this line, I felt a big Yes! inside of me…even though I had never really thought of it that way before. My intuition lit up for a second, like, “yes, there is something to that”.



  159.  #159Sweetpea on December 11, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    LG @ 158,

    Thank you for that confirmation. Now I’m exploring around what it is. A fear of being wrong – of not “doing it right”…

    The fear of being wrong resonates with me – I know I didn’t have positive thoughts (like fantasizing about weddings) about men I dated because I was afraid of being wrong. I’ve all but moved beyond that now, just by doing the fantasizing and journaling about it. It’s riddled with fear, but once I started, it seemed to dissipate some – as with all fears when I face them head-on.

    So, I guess it’s ok for me to be wrong about dating other men, too. If this all falls apart because I didn’t date other men – oy! Lots of anxiety emotions coming up around that. If so, I have only myself to blame, the NVs say. Blame?

    Hmmm…getting closer to a breakthrough here – more layers of chains beginning to loosen.



  160.  #160hopeful on December 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Ive been in an imaginary relationship and its an attachment to something in my head that does not match reality. I feel love and hate because hes not what i want and I want him to be what I want and Im so hard headed I cant accept that its NOT TRUEEEEE. and all I can hope for is to grab some balls that I dont literally have, put my masculing energy to work and go out there and start dating and liberating myself from the bs. and lean back and feel feminine energy
    You can do this! love yourself!! I know i can!!



  161.  #161Emerson on December 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    lol I never heard back from that guy I was texting…new potential CD. Whatevs…I don’t care that much. Another guy I met online ages ago contacted me via email and we’ve been chatting…I just practice with him using feeling messages and he really responded! LOL and I told him I don’t want to get to know someone by chatting online and next thing he said was “lets meet” 🙂 we shall see…I think he’s unemployed though…ack…



  162.  #162Esteemed on December 11, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    I am officially out of heating oil…no fun. Still waiting for November’s unemployment payments, which will be forthcoming either this week or next week. And then I wait until January for December’s unemployment payments. Also waiting to see if I can get help from the energy assistance program. No fun at all.



  163.  #163Esteemed on December 11, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    My heart still feels warm, tho, after R’s sweet words yesterday that I am a “pretty awesome person”. That feels especially good to hear when it comes from the person who knows you better than anyone else on earth! He has explored every millimeter of my heart!



  164.  #164Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 12:00 am

    Time to go to sleep. Warm bricks are wrapped in blankets here and there around the house, so at least the kittens and cats have something warm with which to cuddle if they choose. I will stay warm by snugglin with my doggies. It’s a two dog night, kids.



  165.  #165Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 12:12 am

    Still looking for the post I found re: CDing, but this one touches on some of the same stuff:
    From Rori:
    You can Circular Date without actually DATING anyone – just flirting and letting men come up to you and talk with you and EXPERIENCING that your options are open. It’s having the solid confidence that if your man slipped up or got wishy-washy – you’d be able to go out and have fun with a new man at the drop of a hat. That vibe in you is all you need for now. This is what my Targeting Mr. Right program is all about.

    So – without trying to give you all the nuts and bolts of the program, let’s just talk here about how this could work in your MIND.

    1. Stop Guessing.

    There’s a BIG thing I hear in your letter – and that’s you GUESSING. You’re guessing “what he would say” if you were to give him the “No Boyfriend” speech so that he can understand it.

    2. Define what YOU mean by “options open.”

    I’m certain he would not expect that you would not TALK to another man. Will you feel guilty talking to another man? Flirting with him? Letting him ask for your phone number or email address? Giving you his business card? Or does this feel natural to you under the circumstances?

    Everywhere you go, and everything you do, there are men. All sizes, shapes, colors, types…and men all the same. You can either close yourself and your body down around them, or you can…

    3. Keep YOURSELF open.

    You can either radiate a “I’m not available in any way” vibe, or you can radiate a “I’m not married- give it your best shot” vibe, or you can radiate a “I’m exclusively involved at the moment, and I plan to be married, yet I’m open to finding out who you are…” vibe.

    There’s all kinds of ways to be in this world – and closed down is my least favorite.

    There’s a big difference between having your vibe be completely open and available and actually GOING on a literal “date.”

    And there’s a big difference between having coffee at a coffee shop with a man who just came up to you out-of-the-blue, sat down and started a conversation, and letting him pick you up and take you to dinner.

    There’s a lot of gray area in there.

    4. Embrace the gray area.

    In your MIND – see what you can find in that gray area that would work for you.

    A gray area you can actually put into words, that you could actually share with the man you’re exclusive with. (so you can stop guessing.)

    A gray area you can be comfortable with – so that you are always living the Rori Raye Mantra last line – Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose Your Words, and most important here…
    5. Be Surprised.

    Your willingness to be surprised, and to be curious about the world around you and the people in it – including men – can be HUGE. This is ALL Circular Dating. It’s ALL accessing and using the “Diva” part of you that truly lives – 100% – IN the world and doesn’t shut down her sensuality and sexuality and feminine vibe under ANY circumstances.

    It’s about how you can…

    6. Be in a state of ROMANCE with the entire world.

    I’ll write more and more about this – but for now…simply put on your “romance” glasses and see the world through them. See everything as interesting and romantic, quaint and curious, fresh and inspiring…basically something you can love by just loving yourself in its presence.

    Let me know if this jogs your thinking around this – and get out in the world and see if you can relate to men in this open way even though you are exclusively involved with one man.



  166.  #166Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 12:17 am

    Awww! This describes my Inner Romantic:

    “simply put on your “romance” glasses and see the world through them. See everything as interesting and romantic, quaint and curious, fresh and inspiring…basically something you can love by just loving yourself in its presence.”

    Still feeling enamored of my Inner Romantic.



  167.  #167laughing goddess on December 12, 2011 at 12:48 am

    “You can Circular Date without actually DATING anyone – just flirting and letting men come up to you and talk with you and EXPERIENCING that your options are open. It’s having the solid confidence that if your man slipped up or got wishy-washy – you’d be able to go out and have fun with a new man at the drop of a hat. That vibe in you is all you need for now. This is what my Targeting Mr. Right program is all about.”

    I feel so relieved reading that. Even though I already knew it, the confirmation feels great. Thanks for posting, Sweetpea.

    I’m off to bed now. nighty night



  168.  #168Liz on December 12, 2011 at 3:38 am

    Good morning!
    Just listening to lovescripts and relaying what rori said about texting…..

    If he’s texting all the time and you really want a phone call, and eventually he is going to call, say when you pick up the phone, it is so good to hear your voice….i love the texting, don’t stop that, you are so good at that, it’s just feels so good to hear your voice and talk…



  169.  #169Liz on December 12, 2011 at 4:06 am

    hello
    i have not heard from accountant CD since our talk on friday

    i am struggling leaning back…..

    how have you sirens learned how to be comfortable leaning back?

    thanks in advance!



  170.  #170T-Girl on December 12, 2011 at 4:27 am

    168 Liz,

    I know it is so hard to lean back. I’m not familiar with the talk you had on Friday but I found it helped to keep in the back of my mind that leaning back is most likely the one thing that sets us sirens apart from other women he may be seeing.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Leaning back is not necessarily comfortable but considering that leaning forward is likely to cause the man to not want to come forward at all I use Rori’s tools of visualizing men all around me coming towards me with all kinds of gifts. I visualize the water wheel of love coming towards me with love from all over the place and after having it pouring all over me I send back the overflow towards him. I keep believing he loves me and sending his love towards me no matter what he is doing or not doing and no matter what is happening around me, I choose to believe his love is coming towards me.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 5:41 am

    From Rori

    “FEELING loved – and TRUSTING you are loved is where it’s at – and when you’re feeling that – you can speak to a man so directly and truthfully and emotionally authentic that he will change what he needs to in order to make you happy. Period.”



  173.  #173Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:43 am

    Oooo I like that CDing post sweetpea!

    Too tired to type much tonight but just wanted to say how grateful I am to each and every one of you. It’s probably too soon to tell if TH and I are finally on the right path, but I have noticed a change within me over the last few days.

    I feel more relaxed, I feel less urgency that everything has to happen now, and most of all I feel happy.

    I also realized something else today. I’ve been attacking TH over and over for what seems forever now, accusing him of various things and implying that he wants to be with these other women he hangs out with.

    He’s always stated they’re just friends but I never let up. Well… Until last Friday I didn’t!

    Anyway, today I decided that I either need to 100% trust him or I need to let him go.

    Trust is a big deal for me, so if I can’t trust him then what’s the point??? Also, if I keep accusing him of being untrustworthy he will eventually give me a reason not to trust him.

    So today I chose trust. I now choose to believe that TH loves me in his own special way and that if he wanted to be with somebody else then he certainly wouldn’t still be with me after all of the crap I’ve given him!

    Ok so things aren’t running to my timeline, but so what? There really is no hurry!

    I feel so much lighter as I think of this!!!



  174.  #174Mochaberri on December 12, 2011 at 5:43 am

    I am feeling enraged
    I am feeling mad
    I am feeling sad
    I feel fear
    I feel disconnected
    I feel taken advantage of

    I went on FB this morning and took a look at KR’s page and I see that some female who I know he’s been communicating with posted two videos of love songs on his page. I want to ask him what this is all about and what his connection to her is – it doesn’t say that they went to school together or there are no other people on his page that shows they have mutual friends – but I know that would be immature and not what a Siren does – what should I do???



  175.  #175Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Haha I must be tired! What I wanted to say also was that without your stories and the advice and insight of some of you, I would not have experienced the growth I needed to get me to where I am now. So thank you!!! xxxx



  176.  #176Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:55 am

    And finally before I go to sleep, I had a good night tonight.

    I went to TH’s and I got my nap! He was great and decided to use me as a pillow. It felt nice that he wanted to be close to me.

    While I was there one of “those women” called and I couldn’t hear her but figured she’d invited him out. He basically told her he was busy and didn’t offer an explanation. I did feel triggered and was thinking “Stop inviting MY man out!” but the trigger was short lived. I felt ok so didn’t feel the need to bring it up.

    I then went to a charity event before picking him up on my way back home. It feels so good to be back in my bed!!

    Meanwhile things feel fun and light with th and I. Oh I hope this feeling is here to stay!!!!!



  177.  #177Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 5:56 am


  178.  #178Daria on December 12, 2011 at 5:56 am

    im back in the BAY!!! oh how i’ve missed you!



  179.  #179Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Mochaberri – I’m not great at scripts but maybe just say you saw her posts and you felt uncomfortable/uneasy/confused (or other feeling word). Then let him take the conversation from there. Remember not to be blamey! Trust me – it doesn’t work – I’m the queen of blame! xxx



  180.  #180Mochaberri on December 12, 2011 at 6:02 am

    I met a potential CD this weekend and so far he had texted me every day. Today he sent me a good morning text and asked me to call him sometime – I feel afraid to do that now that I’m a making changes – what do I say?

    And I’m also feeling nervous about a lunch date I have coming up tomorrow. A guy that works in my building asked me out for lunch and I have this strange feeling that he’s trying to hit on me. The problem is that he tried to hit on another co-worker that I associate with and it feels awkward. We were together when he was hitting on her. She labels him a stalker and there is nothing going on but it makes me feel like second best and cheap



  181.  #181Mochaberri on December 12, 2011 at 6:06 am

    @BW 179: Thank you for your advice. In the past I have spoken up about the things I saw but at that time he never said that we weren’t together so that’s why I’m conflicted to say anything.



  182.  #182Lili 41 on December 12, 2011 at 6:08 am

    YEY BW !!!

    Great breakthrough! 🙂

    I’m alot in boy energy too, and noticing it every time now.



  183.  #183Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 6:09 am

    Mochaberri,

    If it were me, I would say something like:

    “I am feeling enraged
    I am feeling mad
    I am feeling sad
    I feel fear
    I feel disconnected
    I feel taken advantage of”



  184.  #184Lili 41 on December 12, 2011 at 6:10 am

    (((SweatPea))),

    Sorry to read about your friend. She’s cherished to have a friend like you.



  185.  #185Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Mochaberri I encourage you to look at your thoughts around those feelings. See if they are true. The man did nothing to you. You visited his page and he has no control over what other people do. Maybe your anger is based on something you are thinking about the two of them and their relationship. I would check in with myself on that fear because I go shouting off about any anger. I you feel insecure that is something you might wish to share.



  186.  #186Mochaberri on December 12, 2011 at 6:27 am

    @FW #184 – Yes I think a huge part of my anger is that I’m feeling insecure. Unsure of the dynamics of our relationship and how to handle them. I feel like I’m in a FWB and I do’t want that and I have communicated that to him. He insists on us being friends no mater what the outcome and that feels awful to hear. I was thinking the same thing that he has no control over what other people do and that offered a little relief. And yes before I go shouting in anger, I’m going to check in with myself and continue to lean back.

    Are you suggesting that I tell him I feel insecure about the posts? If I bring it up to him wouldn’t that be obivous wtihout stating and given past experiences about similar issues of females posting things do I need to have the conversation yet again?



  187.  #187Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 6:41 am

    From InnerBonding

    When we tell people that they need to be willing to feel their pain,they often say to us, “What’s the big deal about that? I feel my pain all the time.” But there is a world of difference between feeling pain and having the willingness to feel it in order to learn from it. There is no healing in just feeling and expressing your pain. You can cry and rage forever, but if you are not willing to take responsibility for your pain, you will be stuck with it forever.

    Sometimes people respond with, “Why? Why feel my pain? What’s the point?” They believe that feeling pain – especially the pain of childhood – is a waste of time. “Why cry over spilled milk?” they argue. “Why can’t we just try to find our joy and skip the pain?” The answer is: because your pain is telling you that you are off track in your thinking and behavior – that you are going the wrong way on the freeway of life. In addition, joy and pain are in the same place in the heart. When you put a lid on your pain and stuff it back inside, you put a lid on your joy. You choose to live an emotionally stunted life.

    Pain is how your Inner Child lets you know that you may be behaving in ways that are not in your highest good, or that you need to compassionately nurture yourself and take loving action in your own behalf. Pain is also your teacher in other ways. For example, if you are sawing a piece of wood and you accidentally slice into your finger, the physical pain you experience tells you to stop sawing! The same is true of your emotional pain; it tells you to stop thinking or doing the thing that is causing you pain. If you do not pay attention to your emotional pain, you will go on thinking and acting in ways that cause you pain. What’s more, you will develop unhealthy, even harmful, mechanisms for not feeling your emotional pain: addictions to substances, people, manipulations, activities and things.



  188.  #188light heart on December 12, 2011 at 6:42 am

    Liz @ 167

    Thank you for sharing what Rori said about texting on Love Scripts…I’m really wanting that program!

    🙂
    light heart



  189.  #189Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Innerbonding

    Wanting Responsibility for Your Feelings

    We all have two kinds of painful feelings – our wounded feelings that we cause with our thoughts and actions, and our existential core feelings, which are the result of life.

    Feelings such as anger, anxiety, stress, depression, hurt, guilt, shame, frustration, emptiness and aloneness are wounded-self feelings coming from our own thoughts and actions. Painful feelings such as loneliness, heartache and heartbreak, helplessness over others, grief, sorrow over people hurting other people, or outrage over injustice are core-self feelings.



  190.  #190light heart on December 12, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Hi Lili 41
    I saw that you responded to my post on previous thread…yes, it really, really helps for me to stay in the “I’m getting what I want” or I am always receiving zone, instead of the “I don’t have”, the lack zone.
    In fact, I’ve felt big energy shifts and things started to manifest when I would do a type of journaling where you are writing as if you already have and are experiencing everything you want.

    How was your office party ?

    🙂
    light heart



  191.  #191light heart on December 12, 2011 at 6:49 am

    The ‘as if’ writing imagining tool is akin to the tools like waterwheel, where we see all the men and all good things coming towards us…you can have fun with it, and use colored markers and things, or if on your pc, use different fonts, sizes, colors…it’s so much fun, and the sky’s the limit!

    🙂
    light heart



  192.  #192Mochaberri on December 12, 2011 at 7:04 am

    I felt triggered when I saw the posts and I’m still feeling trigged now except that I’m not going to make an emotional outburst like I’ve done in the past. Thank you T-Girl in your post #169 – I have to trust that my leaning back sets me apart from allthe others and will allow his love to come towards me.

    He may not even be receptive to the posts and delete them – who knows. I have to turn my attention towards something else so that I can heal these feelings. Feelings of insecurity, resentment, fear, anger – they are my NV and have no place in my mind.



  193.  #193Starla on December 12, 2011 at 7:05 am

    I felt weird because CF didn’t make plans with me this weekend but we spent much of the weekend together. I leaned forward on Saturday (another gentle lean forward lol but nonetheless leaning forward) but he leaned forward that evening to make plans for the next day, insisting that he get to see me more before going back to the work week.

    I’m going to keep working on not leaning forward, but I feel glad and reassured that even when I do, he still takes the lead and I never have to feel like I’m being needy or clingy or demanding. Knowing that makes it actually feel easier to lean back more.

    I heart Rori’s tools.



  194.  #194ulii on December 12, 2011 at 7:47 am

    I was pondering, that does LEANING BACK help if I have a NEEDY VIBE towards someone?

    I mean, for example, on the dating site, there is a really nice man talking to me, whose communications make me feel so good. I will call him PilotCD, as that’s what he does for job.

    I’m trying hard not to initiate any messaging or contact, and he is initiating almost all the contacts. He has invited me to have a coffee, although I couln’t accept as I had already other plans. It feels good, because he is not giving up and already said, he wouldn’t forget about inviting me again.

    The thing is I’m becoming a bit obsessed about him being online or not, looking up his possible working scheduals (I can do that as I´m working in the travel industry, so I can check flights and airlines stuff). So my question is: if I get all feeling obsessed and checking up on him, would he sense this VIBE from me and stop stepping up, even if I´m leaning back otherwise?

    How I can stop this?! I’m also talking to other men, but I´m all excited about PilotCD only at this moment.



  195.  #195Boomer on December 12, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Hi, all 🙂

    Darling Ella mentioned that some thought I’d popped back on. Nope–not until just this second. I miss you guys too. Like Lillybelly has said…I’m doing pretty awesome! Lots of good stuff…my kids are wonderful, have lost 35 pounds (15 to go to meet my goal), and have met “the one” I am pretty sure. Well, I didn’t just meet him, really–have known him for many years, and we are both finally healthy and available, so it clicked. It clicked BIG TIME. Yay me! A lot of you had a role in my getting healthier and saner and ready. Mwah!



  196.  #196Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Boomer Ii feel ecstatic to read your post and to know that you have someone steppping up for you. Hope you will post some info on it.



  197.  #197Lili 41 on December 12, 2011 at 8:08 am

    189:

    Thanks for acknowledging my response Light Heart.

    My office party is post #105 on this thread.



  198.  #198Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 8:22 am

    For those of you who like to wedding daydream, take a look at this site and the storybook dresses…fun!
    http://www.alfredangelo.com/disney/



  199.  #199Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 8:46 am

    I’m feeling really mixed today…I feel one sense of optimism but I also feel sad about Recycled….. and the being close and cuddling at night I really miss a lot right now…
    And shopping for the holidays I feel blah….I hate missing him but I know it comes and goes and I will keep moving on.
    blah 🙁



  200.  #200lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:11 am

    getting the anxious craving feeling & trying to sit with it & enjoy the intensity…..

    CDcd didn’t make plans, but I resisted asking him about which days would work for the holidays & also resisted telling him about my plans or asking anything… just said thank you & goodbye…

    told my friend about the no-kissing still & she said, “ohh he has game!” lol yes, he knows how to “play” with this girl : )

    during the movie, when i said, this is scary!! he said, do you want to hold my hand? but i didn’t… so i didn’t answer…….. then a few minutes later he asked to hold me….

    just the kiss on the neck goodnight….. then the kiss on my forehead while i slept… then the kiss on my cheek to wake me… that’s nice : )

    i like gentle slowness & i want that.

    i want to go up & see him today lol… i don’t want to be away from him… oh, lk… that’s a nice feeling : ) that must make you happy to like someone like that



  201.  #201lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:13 am

    smelling my hair & putting his face against the back of my neck while he thought i was sleeping…. just the slowest & gentlest of movements…. yum…. memories keep bubbling up, sinking & rising….. the breathing. & the heartbeats.



  202.  #202ulii on December 12, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Re 199, 200 lk
    Wow, that man feels gentle and nice. 🙂
    I would like experience something similar with somebody soon.



  203.  #203lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

    sleeping with our foreheads together… curling in with my head close to his stomach & a hand on his chest, touching his heart, feeling his heartbeat & catching the vibrations… so safe & soft & warm.

    yes, i would not mind if he contacted me today : ) but i will be patient & give space to this feeling… i feel that it is as intense for him as for me & actually perhaps more intense…. he is frightened, i think. that’s ok & i can share my openness by leaving him an airy cavern to sit in & feel safe…. still i know the sound of the ocean is echoing…

    i feel excited & also very vulnerable & moved.

    still like to think of the confusions & then the resolution…. the communication that goes back & forth peacefully without judgment until we both share understanding…

    lol awww we’ve known each other for 1 month exactly.

    i have visions of my life unfolding & it feels safe & exciting & inspiring & beautiful & surrounded by family & a lot of hard work also & some stress & some pain : ) that is life : )

    i feel scared & feel nervous that i want to hear from him & to feel the magnetism…. so much safety & openness… & fear too & sharing that also…. it’s a lot

    there are 2 things just of his that i can heal from here… & there is 1 other thing that i can’t heal or not until he lets me. there is at least 1 thing that i have to heal for myself. more i’m sure too as i recognize them better.



  204.  #204Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Liz @ 168,

    I don’t think I really became comfortable leaning back until I stopped trying to lean back and gave myself permission to do whatever felt good to me at the time. Which means I didn’t HAVE to lean back, I could call, text, do whatever I felt like. I felt pretty anxious about leaning back and the anxiety made it harder to do (plus my vibe felt out of whack because of it), so I gave myself permission to experiment with leaning forward (there’s a post in the archives that talks about this – something about “getting into our boy energy”).

    As I remember it, the premise is that we throw ourselves into the masculine role (in my case leaning forward) with abandon and seeing how that feels for us.

    I’m wondering, as I type this, if it would be helpful for me (for any of us) to not worry so much about doing everything “by the book” and just concentrate on keeping my vibe light.



  205.  #205lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

    OMG thank you, universe!

    i was getting so anxious about my focus on CDcd….

    & then our secretary came up & said that one of the men that was in here last week to do a project had come back & was here to see me… & i went up to meet him… he just wanted my number & wanted to call me : ) wow that’s so cr8zy & amazing : ) he’s SOOOO cute!!!!!! wow, i was just looking at him the whole time he was here before like how beautiful is that man… wow, thank you : )

    i feel more balanced now : )



  206.  #206Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 9:50 am

    LG @ 167,

    I felt some relief reading that, too.

    This still isn’t the post I was looking for, but it confirmed for me that I’m at least not “off the track” with what I’m doing.

    I know myself and my tenacity. I’m sure I won’t give up the hunt for the other post until I find it. I’ll be sure to share when I do.



  207.  #207Starla on December 12, 2011 at 9:59 am

    ulii 194
    I was pondering, that does LEANING BACK help if I have a NEEDY VIBE towards someone?
    ——————-

    yes, it helps. fake it till you make it:) while you’re leaning back physically and not calling and all that, you have more space to take babysteps towards leaning back from that needy vibe, too.

    🙂



  208.  #208Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Lili @ 184,

    Thank you! She goes in for more tests today, so we shall see what the prognosis is (on Wednesday). Feeling achy in my heart still today, but some of the fear has abated, thankfully.



  209.  #209Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Boomer @ 195,

    Hey Boomer! Nice to see your name pop up here again! So happy to hear you’re doing well and…Yay!! for you!!



  210.  #210Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Ulii and Mochaberri,

    Both of your comments brought to mind an article I read on Dominique’s site that might give you some peace around this.

    http://sexandheart.com/snooping-on-your-man



  211.  #211lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

    thanks, sweetpea… lol…. i was just now wracking my brain thinking of something, anything, to google to get something, anything about CDcd…. no idea why… just feel piney & want to chase him, i suppose : )

    i can just relax & ride that wave…. it’s nice to get that pull…

    safety first ! that’s my motto. & spacey Lean Back = safe : )



  212.  #212T-Girl on December 12, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Boomer – so glad to hear things are going great for you!



  213.  #213Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

    How can I encourage my long-term man to step up more?

    We have been competitive over the years and I have been in boy energy a lot and micro-managed. I have grown weary of it though.

    He has started paying at restaurants almost 100 percent of the time and I love it. I used to be too involved in looking over the bill and dealing with paying it. Now I never look at it or think about it. It is so freeing to let that go.

    Still there is much work to do.

    We went out three nights in a row this weekend. One night he said, “Do you want me to drive?” Argh!!… Why not just get the keys, ask me if I am ready to leave and just drive?

    We were at an event where dinner was paid for but drinks were not. He hardly had enough cash to cover our drinks. Over the years he has often forgotten to bring cash when we’re out. I’m always thinking in advance and taking care of details. Overfunctioning. Groan.

    Babysteps.



  214.  #214Boomer on December 12, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Thanks, FW and Sweetpea and T-Girl 🙂



  215.  #215Starla on December 12, 2011 at 11:28 am

    I need to gush and get this energy out of me, or else I’ll get nothing accomplished today at work, I feel so distracttteeeddddd with turned on feelings, holy sh*t

    I like the way CF opens every single door for me, but if I end up ahead of him and opening doors, he lets me be and doesn’t make a big deal out of it, or stop opening them thinking I don’t want him to or something.

    I like the way he pulls me away from mosh pits when they get out of control at concerts, because I’m too oblivious and wrapped up in the music to notice that fists and spin-kicks are headed my way. Not that I’m scared anyway, I’ve been moshing for half my life. But it feels sweet that he protects me.

    I like how he takes me to dinner every week even though he has limited funds

    i like how he tells me i’m beautiful several times every time we see each other

    i like how he calls me almost every morning to wake me up and send me some sweetness

    i like how he gives me his favorite shirts to wear, because they feature my favorite bands and i get all crazyexcited over how “sick” they look.

    i like how when he went to get more quarters for us to play air hockey at the arcade, he saw a sticker machine and got me glittery disney princess tattoos and a marvel comics sticker with my favorite superhero combo on it, just cuz, and surprised me with it when he came back.

    i like how when we were at the coffee shop yesterday and i asked if i had time to eat something before we went to the store together, and he said “i think you should absolutely order something to eat, whatever you want” and then tried to pay for it, awww. I didn’t let him. We were just there for me because i was like “oops i forgot to eat and drink coffee today, and i haven’t slept in 48 hours.” I bought HIM coffee instead. He pays for everything ever, and it’s never awkward, and I make probably 2x what he does so a little coffee here and there makes me feel good. Plus it’s not so expensive that it makes him feel totally emasculated. He probably thinks it’s cute that I try to give back, and how awkward *i* act about it, lol.

    I like how when I go rambling on and on about pointless crap, or meaningful crap, he listens to every word I say.

    I also like how when he doesn’t hear what I say (on the phone), instead of saying he didn’t hear me, he acts like he did, and I think it’s cute, it’s like he doesn’t want to seem like he’s not listening or upset me or frustrate me with repeating myself. It’s a harmless bad habit of his, and I think it’s adorable.

    I like how he holds me close whenever we are close enough to touch. How he puts his hand on my leg when we’re seated next to each other. How he kisses me constantly and looks into my eyes like he can’t believe I exist. I like how he asks me sometimes how it’s even possible that I exist. I remind him that we dated when we were kids, so of course I’m not an apparition, lol.

    I like how he stepped up and planned thanksgiving, my birthday, his birthday, and christmas together, all without me ever asking about it.

    I like that he is a mind-blowingly good musician. He says he writes fiction too. I can only imagine how great that must be.

    I like that he’s a teacher, and he has the patience that goes along with it.

    I like that no matter how anxious, tired, drunk, or stoned I’ve been, he’s always treated me with the same level of affection.

    I like that no matter how anxious, tired, or stoned *he’s* been, he’s always treated me with the same level of affection.

    I like how as we get more and more sexual these days, when he touches me I think “oh god that feels good and I want more,” not, “oh please don’t do this right now.”

    I like that he is just brilliantly handsome. He doesn’t know it. But all my girlfriends tell me “ummm he is painfully good looking.” yes, i know, shhhh, let’s not tell him. haha just kidding.

    i like that he’s never tried to make me do anything i didn’t want to do, except when he is encouraging me to get work done and says it’ll all work out. And even then he’s just being a friend, not judging or disapproving.

    I like that he spends time with his sister and mama, just for fun. I like that his sister is his best friend, and that his heart is big enough to forgive his mother for leaving them with only each other when she wasn’t there for them growing up (she had a major drug problem).

    I like that he loves animals, and he wishes some people treated them better.

    Thank you for your attention. I feel better now. I had a lot of steam to let out after me and him got hot and heavy last night. I’ve never felt so turned on in my life, and then I was sitting in the company meeting this morning like SSAKJDIWOERUQWOPEKA EWQOPWIEOWIRASJFWEUR839249AWDJJ



  216.  #216Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

    lk@ 211,

    My pleasure. Good food for thought, no? 😀



  217.  #217Starla on December 12, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Radiance – “We went out three nights in a row this weekend. One night he said, “Do you want me to drive?” Argh!!… Why not just get the keys, ask me if I am ready to leave and just drive?”

    I know that ARGH feeling! How about “Thank you, that would feel nice” instead

    hehe



  218.  #218Starla on December 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

    So radiance, to answer your question a bit more exactly (How can I encourage my long-term man to step up more?)

    You catch yourself thinking “argh!” You look for the good. You tell him when it feels nice.

    If you catch yourself acting out like “argh!” then you can tell him “ohhh i am noticing i am feeling so uptight right now” as though it is not his fault at all.

    It kind of takes a reframe, cuz you’re used to being like “argh!” when it’s not a perfectly masculine response, but just as you’re babystepping into feminine, he is doing the same with masculine.

    You can reframe for appreciation. For example, I just see your man as trying to please you by asking if you want him to drive. Try to notice these things, and answer his dang question (yes) and tell him how good it feels (that would feel nice, thank you for driving:))

    Praise does wonders when it comes from a feminine place of how great it makes you feel.



  219.  #219Liz on December 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Thank-you for all the answers about leaning back…..and the video link….
    i will try the waterwheel right now instead of emailing him and see if i will feel more at peace with the space…

    salesmanCD emailed me and said he would call me or i could call him if i want…

    i think he showed up in my life to show me how i have healed the part of myself that is always doing for other people, since he does not seem to have much of a life outside of caring for his son.

    Back to grading after the waterwheel.
    liz



  220.  #220Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

    215 & 217 Starla

    I like your gushing. I feel happy to read someone else’s good stuff.

    You are so right. I need to commit “Thank you, that would feel nice” to heart and I bet before long I will overcome the need to bite my tongue. And maybe he will overcome his need to ask me questions like that!



  221.  #221Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 11:56 am

    218 Starla

    Thank you so much for taking the time for me!… I feel smiley and encouraged and listened to and supported and helped. And I feel gratitude.

    Reframe. Reframe. Reframe. Yes!… Reframe for appreciation–I know he will respond well to that. He always does. I just have to work on doing it.

    I have been making success with moving away from judgements. I know I can do this!

    You wrote: “tell him “ohhh i am noticing i am feeling so uptight right now” as though it is not his fault at all…”

    This is really specific and helps me in a big way.

    Thank you, Siren~!



  222.  #222Daria on December 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Ohh I’m noticing im feeling so uptight right now



  223.  #223Daria on December 12, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Yay Boomer



  224.  #224Daria on December 12, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    I feel so excited to get out and get some air!



  225.  #225Tiffany on December 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I have an interesting situation. And it’s kind of related to Rori’s article.

    I had to do something this morning that made me feel sad….but I know it was the best thing.

    A few weeks ago, a man contacted me online, even though he lives very far away from me (2,000+ miles). He said he liked my profile so much he just “had” to write to me – and that he hopes I find the guy of my dreams!

    Well, I took a look at his profile, and he seemed cute and interesting, so I took a chance and wrote him back.

    What ensued has been a very racy, steamy, intimate communication – all with a man I have never met. He instigated almost all of it. Well, all of it, really. I even pulled back on the sexy part, at first. But then I let him “help” me when I was feeling down, by making some sexy chat with me.

    But this morning, I had to tell him the truth – that it was all getting too “real” for me. Or no, it wasn’t getting real. It was still fake, and I knew he wasn’t going to “date” me for real, as he was very up front about that. But that I was having some real feelings for him, that I didn’t want to have. We both agreed that it was time to take a break.

    But I don’t think I had feelings for him in error. I think it was partly the kind and intimate way in which he talked to me. And it was also the way that I responded.

    I let myself relax and open up to him. I told him details about myself that I have told almost no one. And that makes me feel “bonded” to him, even though I have no real reason to be, and that I know he is not a “real person” to me.

    If anything, the most I hoped for from the interaction was that he would, at some point, want to see me so badly that he would actually come out to visit me. But in terms of a “real relationship” I’ve never kidded myself that that was possible, or even desirable.

    Not when I have cuties all around me who like me and want to date me! haha

    It’s true, too.

    But it’s not good to try to date people who are actually in front of me, when another guy who is nowhere near me is distracting me and making me “feel things.” Not cool.

    For a while, it was a good distraction. He was into it, and wanted to keep talking. I felt he was helping me “bridge” between different guys. But I feel so vulnerable now. And I don’t want my subconscious brain to get tricked into thinking that the “bridge” is the destination. That would not be cool, either.

    In the end, though, I had a weird feeling. When I told him how I felt, I was simply wanting to just express myself, and to be honest. I didn’t it to be a big deal or an “issue.” But then he was telling me he couldn’t “reciprocate.” It felt weird, because there was nothing to reciprocate. It was simply a feeling I was having. I think he felt it as me “giving” to him. And so he was telling me he couldn’t “give” back.

    I felt cut off.

    this is going to sound weird, but it’s the best analogy I have – I felt like I had been a baby, sucking at a breast, and the moment I communicated attachment, the breast with all the good milk and nutrients was snatched away. I feel wounded. I feel hurt, when the breast was offered so freely to begin with….

    I don’t know. Maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut and just kept drinking in all that milky goodness. It felt warm and delicious to hear how much he wanted me.

    But also a tease, knowing he was so far away.

    So I just don’t want to tease myself. I don’t want to get hurt.

    Now I feel bad for having stopped the interaction. But I also felt bad sometimes talking to him, or hurt by his words or actions, because my emotions started to be involved.

    This post about vulnerability just made me think. Now I’ve been so vulnerable with this person. I felt safe to do it. But that vulnerability has made me feel bonded. I feel more vulnerable. I feel a need to protect myself. I don’t want to be totally closed off.

    But there is a question for me. Is being vulnerable “giving” to him? When we give him these little tidbits of ourselves, is it actually a way that we “give” to him, and bond ourselves to him? Should we wait for him to be vulnerable with us, first? Shouldn’t he be giving us those tidbits, letting us into his life, telling us who he is, so that ultimately, he feels he has given himself to us and that he is bonded to us? And if we are so “vulnerable” that we tell everything, then are we just being “masculine” in a way, even if we have a “feminine” feeling intention?

    [To be fair, he DID give to me first. He told me some very intimate details of himself. And of course, chatted with me in a very sexy way, and expressed concern about me. In effect, I simply reciprocated what he gave to me. Which is why I felt there was nothing to reciprocate. Even if he had no “feeling” for me. he still “gave” to me in that way. And it felt so good, I gave back, little by little, until I realized that a connection had been made, without my really noticing.]

    Okay, I am going to stop writing now. Always gets so long! lol



  226.  #226Liz on December 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Hi Tiffany,

    I would have felt a connection to him too, since it sounds like you opened up to him….great practice!



  227.  #227Starla on December 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Tiffany, Brava for taking care of yourself. Sending you much love… it is so hard to give up stuff like that



  228.  #228Liz on December 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    thank-you for the waterwheel concept, FW! And to choose to believe in love…..as i was imagining it, i felt him standing in front of me…..and for a moment i had complete certainty he is going to come get me and break up with his girlfriend….he told me he was way more attracted to me, but it was so hard to imagine hurting her and making the change…..
    he said he wanted to make love to me so badly and as I left I said, well you could…..
    i just need to connect with a man physically and he wants me so much…..



  229.  #229Izzy on December 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    53: laughing goddess

    I didn’t feel disconnected at all! I feel good and relaxed actually, knowing that my feelings around it could change and that I still have time if that happens.

    As for Cesar, what I love about it is having rules, boundaries, limitations. I also do “tsshhhh” to myself when I have a nasty voice coming up. Until it gives up and stops bothering me. 🙂



  230.  #230Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    225 Tiffany

    I can relate. I have experienced something similar with online, distant conversation with an unavailable man. I know that warm feeling of connection is powerful regardless of the distance. In my case I also really enjoyed exploring unknown parts of myself.

    I felt amazed by these insights of yours:
    “But it’s not good to try to date people who are actually in front of me, when another guy who is nowhere near me is distracting me and making me “feel things.” ”

    “And I don’t want my subconscious brain to get tricked into thinking that the “bridge” is the destination.”

    In today’s blog post Rori asked: “Have you ever created an “Imaginary Relationship” that cost you time, love, energy and self-esteem?”… I felt that I could definitely answer “yes.” Many, many weeks went by with me giving over so much of my mental and emotional energy to that online, impossible romance. I am still trying to work past it. And I am enjoying the process of loving myself. I marvel at the amount of time I now have available to tend to practical matters and emotional issues that went neglected during those many months.



  231.  #231dottie on December 12, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Need help + advice please!! Am seeing a guy i have known since high school. He is extremely good looking + i always thought he was a little out of my league. When my marriage ended, this school friend + i made contact and started seeing each other as ‘friends with benefits’. Fast forward a year and we are still seeing each other but on a totally different level. He feels like my boyfriend and he has told me a couple of times that he loves me (i love him a lot). At times he really pulls back from me and i get confused with how i fit in to his life??
    I have found explicit texts on his phone before from ex girlfriends, when i confronted him he said it eas just flirting and meant nothing. I dont believe he has cheated. He is incredibly distrustful of me and hates the fact that i have male friends who i speak/ text with (all these friends are platonic).
    Sometimes he talks about the future, other times he says i am not his girlfriend and that we are just seeing each other.
    I tried pulling back a bit and he really didnt like it, accused me of being with other men. I told him i would give him some space to decide what he wants but he says he doesnt want space from???
    I feel like he pushes me away with one hand but then pulls me back in with the other?? I am so confused xx



  232.  #232Starla on December 12, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    I feel heartbroken and disgusted. My friend got 12 people arrested today and she thinks it’s hilarious. They were protesters for this Occupy stuff.

    We are not friends anymore. I want to get home so I scrub our friendship off of me in the shower. 12 people, TWELVE OF OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, arrested by the FBI and charged as terrorists in a nation where citizens with terrorism charges have almost no rights. And she thinks it’s “hilarious”

    It’s one thing to want to prevent vandalism but to think it’s hilarious because their lives are ruined for it? I feel disgusted.



  233.  #233Daria on December 12, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    eveyone has been telling me “you’re rich” lately. like, buy me pizza ,youre rich style

    and it feels triggering

    and sorta not so much as before

    and it feels surprisng that its showing up everywhere

    so im gonna own it and also am wondering what wonderfulness is gonna show up for me now

    of course im rich!



  234.  #234Daria on December 12, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Hugs Starla



  235.  #235Starla on December 12, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    I feel so overwhelmed. That girl is sick in the head to go around laughing at these people who whole lives are ruined because they talked about vandalizing cars. They were her allies, they disagreed with her politically, so she got them all arrested and charged.

    It’s just disgusting to me.

    I’m not comment on the merits of vandalism or anything, I just really need to process and vent. I’ve been politically involved for years and really taken big risks, and I feel mortified at her attitude. We are not friends anymore.

    To decide to get someone in trouble to derail their plans is a grave decision to make. It’s not “hilarious.” There is nothing HILARIOUS about it.

    Uggghhh, don’t cry at your desk, Starla.



  236.  #236Starla on December 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Thank you, Daria. Hugs back. Thank you for always being open minded enough to see why that would be so upsetting to me.



  237.  #237Mel on December 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    I feel all glowy and wowed. 🙂

    I pretty much spent the entire weekend with Mr. A. Friday, he asked me if he could see me and invited me over to watch a movie. As I was on my way he texted me to say he brought home treats (yummy Chinese takeout and dessert). I stayed over and went home only briefly to get some things packed up for our dinner party road trip.

    The dinner party went well and better than that, we really seem to enjoy each others’ conversation (good because we spent a total of 4 hours in the car). Saturday night I stayed over again and we had a really nice (sexy) and relaxed morning.

    He asked if he could take me to breakfast, so we made our way over to a little local diner.

    Then he asked if I would like to go Christmas shopping with him. When we got back from shopping, I was about to say goodbye and he asked if I would just stay a little longer for tea. I accepted.

    When we finished tea, and I was about to be on my way again, he said “Hey… since we BOTH have to do grocery shopping, why don’t we do that together?” I laughed and said “You don’t really want me to leave do you?” and he said “nope!””

    Then after grocery shopping, he took me to dinner. LOL

    When I finally left on Sunday evening, he said he would try to organize some way for us to get together this week (he has the kids). I told him that that would feel great, but I understood if it didn’t work out because he’s got a bunch of deadlines.

    He said that he would try his best because that would be the highlight of his week.

    Sooooo sweet! I feel all melty and cared about! Sigh…… 🙂

    Now off to meet my friend with BEEnefits and then go work out at the gym. This week I promise to just miss him and drop it… and it will feel that much sweeter when we see each other again.



  238.  #238Daria on December 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Starla – you already know.

    can you imagine this will all be healed!! (i can’t)

    but then i couldn’t imagine that being able to attract men and have love would be healed either… and it ?IS!!!

    i feel teary



  239.  #239Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Who needs romance novels when you have this blog and get to enjoy in real time reading about the sweet development of relationships?



  240.  #240Starla on December 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    i can’t imagine it will all be healed, daria, but i can in some ways too.

    i notice i am healing people around me with my own healing.

    and they will heal others around THEM.

    and it will go on and on as such.

    like a virus!



  241.  #241Starla on December 12, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Radiance, girl, if I knew it wouldn’t make posters roll their eyes or worry that I’m too focused on one man, I could write a small chapter on a daily basis about the wonderfulness that CF brings to my life. Every day with him is a journey in compliments, appreciation, gifts, and affection.



  242.  #242Radiance on December 12, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    I want to process something cray-zee that happened to me over the weekend.

    I went to a wedding and reception with my long-term partner–the wedding of his work colleague, so there were work colleagues around. In a somewhat traditional, smallish town community.

    For the reception there was a venue with bar, food & tables, cakes set up indoors and a band, dance floor and tables outdoors in a tent with propane heaters.

    My long-term partner and I snagged some food before there was much of a line and then went out to the music tent before there was much going on out there. He and I danced a couple of times on the mostly empty dance floor and enjoyed ourselves.

    The young wife of a new colleague was there. I had met her before in her work setting. Her specific community non-profit work and her appearance scream “UNCONVENTIONAL.”… I noticed her dancing/squirming in her chair beneath one of thes propane heaters, and later, I saw her be-bopping while crossing the dance floor with a plate of food.

    I do NOT know what came over me, but there was a particularly good beat happening as she crossed the dance floor, and I stood up and approached her and said, “You need to dance.” She said, “Yes,” and put down her small plate of food.

    OMG… she and I got sultry and intense and I have no idea what took hold of me, but I unleashed something I have never experienced before in my life. The tent and the audience sank away and I totally entered the dance and felt oddly possessive of her and danced very sexy, very near her. I was wearing a long scarf that I removed and started using as a dance prop. At a couple of points I used the scarf as a lasso that I tossed over her and allowed to drop to her waist and pulled her toward me and then released.

    It was amazing and freeing and the music was potent. There seemed to come a climatic end and we walked off the dance floor to a cray-zee host of applause and one of the band members kept repeating “thank you” in the most mesmerized sort of voice and then said, “We will be playing that song about 8 more times tonight.”

    My long-term partner was all smiles and amazed and was bowled over and told me “that was magical” and “how did you know?” (that she would do that with me?)… and he said that mouths went agape when we got started and that the focus of the tent was 100 percent on us.

    There *was* something magical about it for me. I have been processing it since then.

    I had trouble falling asleep later that night. I felt like every cell was buzzing. So vibrant.

    Since then I have been pondering it, and I have come up with this: something about her “wild woman” appearance and nature gave me permission to unleash my wild woman. I believe that I became freer during that dance than I ever have during s&x with a man. I totally allowed myself to sink into the music and the moment without care for other and particulars and environment.

    omg… that was utter deliciousness!!… I wish I could let loose like that during s&x.

    whoa!! wow!! I feel radiant!.. I felt so alive… I am vibrant! I am alive! I am Radiance!



  243.  #243Femininewoman on December 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Radiance that felt electrifying reading about your experience. I wish you/I could let loose like that in relationship/in life with everything that comes into our space/experience. Sex is only a space piece.



  244.  #244Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    225, Tiffany

    Here’s a similar story for you: 

    2 years ago, a friend of an exboyfriend added me on Facebook because we had a lot of friends in common even thought we had never met. He was now living in Spain (I am in Canada) and was remaking his life there with his mom, opened a Cafe, etc.

    We started chatting because we had something in common, friends and the city where we both have lived in. There was no way we would have meet before a few years because he was not ready to come back here. After just a few days, the conversation began to be more and more intense. We were sharing feelings, but no sexy stuff. He started saying that we could go to Russia together the next summer and he really made me dream. He was super nice and really sounded into me. I know it was not a real relationship but I couldn’t help myself to have this warm feeling when I was thinking of him. 

    And than he started sending me text messages. Every morning I had texts saying good days and how he was thinking of me. And it sounded more real because of the texting but it wasn’t of course. 

    And one day he sent me flowers at my work! With a seashell in wich he wrote somethin in russian, I can’t remember what. Something I had say about love a few days before. He sent me flowers!!! From Spain. Actually his mom who was visiting Canada brang the seashell and she sent the flowers for him… So he had even told his mom about me. I called him to say thank you. And after this day, we kept calling or texting each other every hour. He was far but I felt him very closed. And we both opened our hearts to each other. He even told me that he had a daughter that he had never met because the mom didn’t want to… And he was crying when he told me wondering if I would still want him…  

    And he started talking about coming visit me for Christmas (it was in November), and one day he said he had buy tickets to come here… For 6 months!!!!! He said that if we could make it work, maybe i could come back to Spain with him… And I started dreaming of Spain and counting the day for his arrival… I couldn’t beleive it. It was just unbeleivable! He also said that he did not want his friends to know that he was back, he wanted it to be just me and him… He also asked me to not date anyone else until we’ve met, what I obviously didn’t do!

    And he finaly arrived. The day of his arrival, he came pick me up at school with flowers and champagne. I was living a dream. and after just a few days, he started talking about gettin married and have kids!! Already! 

    But the dream did not last really long. After just a few days he was startin to be over controller and jealous. And he was always out with his friends (just me and you my *ss!) and we couldn’t spend time without his friends. On Russian New Year, we had a paryt at his place, and he did a crisis because I went to smoke a cigarette with a guy who was my friebd for like 5 years! An he also told a guy who was surving the vodka to stop giving me alchool when I was still ib total control of myself. Just an example to show you how he was controlling everything I was doing. And he wanted me to move in with him and started to put pressure for me to come back with him in Spain and more and more… I broke up with him and he manipulated me to come back. And i re-broke up….

    And than I started missing him. 2 years after, I realise that i was not missing him, I was missing the nice promises he was making and the nice talk and everything. But being with him was actually a nightmare. And not a long after I learned that he was already with another girl (and he probably started seeing her while we were still together). I was devasted. He came from Spain for ME and after only 2 months, he was with another girl?! 

    And I ended up forgetting about him and after a few months, I really saw him like he was and not like the guy from Internet was. 

    And he had another girlfriend who got pregnant after just a few weeks and he abandonned her too, just like the first mom… I am happy that i escaped from this relationship early enough because I could have been second single mom he would have leave in the world. Ouch…

    I have really learn from that realationship upon the web are not real. The guy you are talking to is talkin to you only when he is feelin good and you are not accessible so of course he is doing everything he can to impress you and to make you fall. I guess men are made like that. Ecen if they know they can’t have you, they will seduce yiu and show you their good side. 

    When he was in Spain, the fake relationship we had was just magic. And I never thought that we could have not meant to be together. But I realised sooo quickly that he was not the one that I really understood what is the difference between a real and a fake relationship… 

    Hope this gives you something to think Tiffany…



  245.  #245Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    And FYI, this guy from Spain is the friend who came over last Friday to drink vodka. We had a nice time and laughed a lot and I am not going back for sure!

    But he just sent me a message asking me to go to his office Christmas party on Friday… Maybe I could go after all amd include him in my rotation? But I’m afraid to fall for the wron reason again.

    Just when we were talking about the party and how will the other girls dressed up, I said I bought this super nice feather skirt for my own party and he said ok, I will come see it on thursday. Huh? He has to aprove what I will be wearing? Don’t think so…



  246.  #246Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    BW @ 173,

    Sounds like you’ve got this. Like I said, once you get there it becomes easier to go back – even if you slip once in awhile.

    😉 Soooo good to see the vibe shift – I can sense it in your posts. Obviously, it’s even more noticeable “up close and personal.”



  247.  #247luzydel on December 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Bla! Zoosk.com is worst than POF!, I am not enjoying online dating anymore. I am starting to like the casual flirt with random guys out and about, and the fact that I am doing things I like…

    I want to go back into photography; I took some classes way back in college and did some work at a friends wedding, but need a new camera and get back into it.

    I want to take guitar lessons also, Next year will take a nice trip with my son and that will be our first serious vacation…

    Online dating served its purpose and all, but now I feel blah about it. I am enjoying the presence of men I see face to face, they are real they approach me to talk about anything, they may not be the 10 messages day I used to get from online, but I feel I can be me with them.



  248.  #248ulii on December 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    RE Starla 207
    Thank you for the advice. 🙂 I had heard about “fake it, ’til you make it.” But din’t know if it could be applied in leaning back. I’m definitely trying, and it’s working. I have not been online today too much, and I have my inbox full with messages from PilotCD. I had left him access to my private album with more real-life pictures and me playing violin (which i hadn’t told him I do). And seems he is impressed about how beautiful and “full of surprises” I am. That feels good to hear from him.

    RE 215 Thank you Starla also for sharing your wonderful experiences with CF! I agree with Radiance (238). 🙂 Life is better than fiction!

    RE 231, 234 Hugs to you Starla! I can relate to this, as my friends have been occupying squares and other important spots in anti-corruption movement in Spain earlier this year. And there was also police power abuse and arrests to peaceful people. Feels so unfair.



  249.  #249luzydel on December 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Blah! Zoosk.com is worst than POF!, I am not enjoying online dating anymore. I am starting to like the casual flirt with random guys out and about, and the fact that I am doing things I like…

    I want to go back into photography; I took some classes way back in college and did some work at a friends wedding, but need a new camera and get back into it.

    I want to take guitar lessons also, Next year will take a nice trip with my son and that will be our first serious vacation…

    Online dating served its purpose and all, but now I feel blah about it. I am enjoying the presence of men I see face to face, they are real they approach me to talk about anything, they may not be the 10 messages a day I used to get from online, but I feel I can be myself in their presence whenever they approach me.



  250.  #250luzydel on December 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Blah! Zoosk.com is worst than POF!, I am not enjoying online dating anymore. I am starting to like the casual flirt with random guys out and about, and the fact that I am doing things I like…

    I want to go back into photography; I took some classes way back in college and did some work at a friends wedding, but need a new camera and get back into it.

    I want to take guitar lessons also, Next year will take a nice trip with my son and that will be our first serious vacation…

    Online dating served its purpose and all, but now I feel blah about it. I am enjoying the presence of men I see face to face, they are real they approach me to talk about anything, they may not be the 10 messages a day I used to get from online, but I feel I can be myself in their presence whenever they approach me.



  251.  #251Dominique on December 12, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Tiffany – Being vulnerable is first and foremost giving to yourself. It may sound contradictory, but this is an amazing gift to give to YOU. It really can be incredibly freeing.

    This isn’t about if he give to me, or if he opens up to me, the I will do the same.

    It’s not even about sharing in words. It’s about keeping your heart as open as possible, as an invitation, and dating to share your feelings, especially the good feeling ones.

    xxoo



  252.  #252ulii on December 12, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    RE: Sweetpea 210

    Thank you for posting the link for Dominique’s article about snooping on your man. I needed to hear this!

    Although with Pilot CD I only checked his possible working scheduals few times, to be able to know when he might be online. So I don’t feel I’m doing something really bad here yet, but definitely it gives a needy vibe towards him, and checking up on him could becaome a habit, so I’m keeping myself from doing that again.

    I have been snooping on my ex boyfriend M in quite many occasions during our 6 years together, mostly out of insecurity. It didn’t help & only made me feel ashamed and guilty.



  253.  #253Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    In reference to Rori’s post on “Time and Love”, here are the lyrics to one of my top 5 favorite songs, by Charlie Peacock:

    The Secret of Time

    Time is a gift of love and grace,
    Without time there’d be no time to change,
    Time to be tried, humbled and broken,
    Time to hear the word of love spoken.

    I see the mission up ahead of me and I tremble as one shaken; but if I have the eyes of faith, the eyes to see, I will leave the outcome in the hands of the one who called me,
    And over and over I must learn and relearn that whether I decrease or whether I increase is not my concern. (not my concern, no)

    Deliver me from strategy, from endless clever thinking,
    Set my sights upon the shore, keep this boat from sinking down,
    Let me taste of a fresh wind of reason and stir the gift within, for I am not a boat left to drift at sea,
    I remain in you and you remain in me,
    There is no great distance between you and I.

    The moment I found out who you were, I found out who I was,
    The silence covered me and the tears began to fall,
    I could see…I could see what a great and grand…great and grand act of affection it’s all been, (time that is, time that is, talk about time that is, time that is)
    My history is written through the choices I make,
    Let me sing just ten true words,
    I’d rather sing just ten true words than a hundred words that in the end amount to nothing…absolutely nothing.

    And here is the video of it:



  254.  #254Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Stupid phone! Lol. Lili I only just saw your party update and I just wanted to say “You go girl!!!”! Seems to me that things are going better for you too!

    Esteemed I hope that money comes through for you soon – I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right now.

    Tiffany, you will come up with something – I know you will! And remember, if you try something different and it doesn’t work, then try something else different. xxx



  255.  #255Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    I am wondering if I should include Spain guy to my circular dating rotation. I guess if I accept to go to his Christmas party means I am including him. But this guy is toxic for me. Trying to control what i do and even my thoughts. I remember when a fight we had because he said some very strong racist comments I totally disagreed with…

    Maybe dating him would be a good opportunity to practice setting up boudaries? And feeling messages?

    Do you have any thoughts on this?



  256.  #256Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Oops, sorry couldn’t find a video and I accidentally posted before I removed that line. It’s a beautiful song. It starts out slow and then gets fast.



  257.  #257ulii on December 12, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    RE Radiance 241

    Love that dancing story!! I remember having similar experience with my wild girl friend in a folk music festival years ago. We had hitch-hiked through all Europe to be in this festival and felt so over-joyful and full of energy. Our friends were musicians and wherever & whenever they stated playing, we were dancing like crazy all around 4 days in a row. And other people in the festival were having fun too, but much more conventional ways, so they were amazed and I think they thought we were seriously crazy or on drxgs. Which was not true at all. We had just this amazing energy inside from travelling and music and feeling free.

    Here an inspiring video that reminds me of those festival days. 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn0Ff83spQw&feature=related



  258.  #258Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    TH and I have a date tonight. He told me to choose the movie so he has to endure a chick flick (New Years Eve)!! Haha!

    My new feelings of choosing to trust him are paying off big time! I feel much more relaxed around him and in general. And he seems to be responding so well! He seems….softer! It’s really weird and difficult to explain. But yeah things are definitely different – and better!

    Oh and it seems we’re going Christmas shopping this weekend too, based on a conversation we had this morning. He actually likes shopping so it should be fun!

    I feel so good right now! Like a huge weight has lifted! 🙂



  259.  #259Starla on December 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Wow, my sicky feelings dissolved quick.

    I just had too much to be grateful for. And I felt them in full force while they were there…at work openly acting like i was in a bad mood – CUZ I WAS. And now I feel peaceful again.

    Thank you Daria and Ulii for sympathizing. It was one of the most devastating revelations I’ve ever heard.

    Wow I bounced back quick. I have a lot of personal power when I don’t stuff my feelings.



  260.  #260Starla on December 12, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Lizka 254

    Maybe it’ll be good practice to establish boundaries and use feeling messages without blaming, but I wouldn’t beat yourself up over deciding not to go, or try to rationalize going with him. If you feel weird about dating him, don’t.

    Maybe your boundary should be “unless you’ve changed entirely and are caring for all your babies, I won’t date you.”

    I’m just offering ideas and perspectives, I don’t know one way or another what you should do:)



  261.  #261Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Butterfly Wings,

    RE: #253 – Thank you! Yes, it can be stressful. It takes the edge of simply knowing I have a home and it is up to date on rent. Thank God, a friend lent me money so I can get heat tomorrow. What a relief! Right now I have the oven and all four burners on. It isn’t keeping up with the cold, but it sure makes a difference in taking the edge off it. I just feel concerned because I know it’s a fire hazard.



  262.  #262Starla on December 12, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Esteemed, do you have an oven? Turn it on and open it up some. Less of a fire hazard. Much hotter too



  263.  #263ulii on December 12, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Buh. I got triggered again. I feel so irritated when a guy gets over sensitive and blaming me I’m distant & cold.

    Just a random guy on a badoo.com from a foreign country far away I have been chatting with in few occasions during the last 3 days. Me being polite, receiving, responding with feeling messages. But not too into it, as there is no real possibility to meet. And I have also told him so.

    He has said that he likes my photos, he loves how I talk, he maybe wants to come to see me. Then he sends me a poem. He talks to me about classical music and going concerts together. Etc. But I’m a bit slow in answering as I am also reading this blog and having some other chats. So he starts asking me why I don’t answer, why I don’t respond if he is being so romantic. Why I am so cold and unromantic? ETC, Etc..

    And I feel this angry wave coming over my body, like how he dares do say how I am, because I’m just not responding like he expects me to? Like who he thinks he is?! I didn’t handle it in a sireny way, I guess. But I just got really upset. I told him it’s his perception of me..and maybe I am having several conversations and I’m just so tired of men getting sensitive if I don’t have time to answer right away. I know, it was badly said and not feminine at all 🙁
    And wow! He did get mad and stopped talking to me altogether. Saying only he goes to sleep.

    But I have this uneasy feeling, like wanting to explain and justify myself to him. That really I’m not unromantic or insensitive. Like wanting to prove I’m good person to him. I guess the trigger is that I am overly sensitive to others, and their sensitivity so irritates me.

    But anyway, I love my irritation! (first time I try to say this like that… it feels wierd and not like I’m speaking the truth).



  264.  #264Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    259, Starla

    Thank you for the response. I don’t think I am veating muself up. I actually feel like going. Just don’t want to develop feelings again.

    “Maybe your boundary should be “unless you’ve changed entirely and are caring for all your babies, I won’t date you.” ”

    Lol this made me smile (and laugh a little). I actually don’t really care about the babies (I apologize to them for thinking that). I just don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want to treat me like a princess like he seems to do with all his girlfriends and than left behind with a hearth broken (or a baby)…

    So I think i will date him but stay very far away from becoming his girlfriend. Just to practice. But this might be a challenge, specially if he starts steping up like crazy again… Is than insane from me to want to jump into a “challenge” like that just to practice and test my limits?



  265.  #265Starla on December 12, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    263 it’s not insane to challenge yourself by dating him if you’ve really done soul searching and you’re not dating him for any other reason (hoping he’ll change, feeling lonely, etc.)



  266.  #266Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Hum… I’m not hoping he’ll change. Deep inside me, I know I really don’t want to be back with him. Not feeling lonely either… I have a lot of (too many?) men in my rotation now and reconnected with more friends then I remember having at the same time in my life.

    So I guess I’m good with the challenge!

    Thank you Starla!!



  267.  #267tenny on December 12, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    I love Rori’s Post!!

    I started going to a new spa with a “quiet room.” It’s like an Oasis!! I turn my phone off and put it in the locker with my clothes, etc.

    I spend the next few hours just thinking and feeling and relaxing. It was the first time I was able to totally shut off and shut out the world. It was AWESOME!!!

    My CDs know that when I go to the spa it is ME time . . . don’t call, don’t text and don’t expect any response until perhaps the next day because I tend to forget to turn my phone back on until much much later in the evening!!!



  268.  #268Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Esteemed – yes it’s good you at least have a roof over your head! And a nice one too!

    I bet tomorrow can’t come fast enough and yay to your friend who helped you out! 🙂



  269.  #269Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    LOL, I have a new CD, and let’s call him CO. We have been emailing only for 3 days. He asked my age. After having already sent him 4 pictures, I responded, “Guess! :-)”

    He said 25! Ha! Made my day!



  270.  #270Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Tenny I do that too! And there is also a “quiet room” at my favorite spa and I would stay there forever!! I started going there alone, I use to go with girl friendsc dates or with my mom. I enjoy it 10x more when I go alone. Since I have a good insurance at work, I now also take a massage. Ahhhh 1 hour massage! I practice feeling and to notice what I am physically feeling. I love going at the spa.

    Every year with my girl friends we do a Cjristmas activity. It started in university where, after our exams, we were all going out or doing a big house party. Now, we’ve decided that we party enough and decided to go to the spa. It’s not gobna be has relaxing with my friends plus we are not going where there’s the quiet room. It’s more like a “glamorous” place. It’s gonna be fun anyway, to be with my friends and not think of men. 🙂



  271.  #271tenny on December 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    @ Starla #18

    YOU GO GIRL!!!! Let that feminine energy do what it do!!! 🙂



  272.  #272Lizka on December 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    I think I will start to go to the spa more often…



  273.  #273tenny on December 12, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    CD Knight: met a very very handsome man today!! He gravitated to me and I did not even notice it at first. Approached my mentor for an introduction!!! HELLO HANDSOME!! I was sitting and he was standing and I still leaned back, unzipped and smiled. Could not get any feeling messages in because of the venue (case was about to be called and I was already at the front table), but he certainly made his presence known (every bit the knight – tall dark and handsome). I’ll have a feeling message for him next time – and I’m sure there will be another one – we are on the same case!!!



  274.  #274Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #261 – Yes, I have the oven on and open at 350 degrees F. And all four burners on low. And a pot of water and cinnamon on one of them for smell goods!



  275.  #275lk on December 12, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    i think i may lean forward with sqw… that will kill all the fire, but honestly it’s dead on my end at this point & i feel like chatting… could also call my buddy the investment banker…. or my other buddy & that wouldn’t even be leaning since i’ve been accidentally ignoring him lol : ) he’ll probably invite me out for this week sometime which could be good, though stressful since i secretly want all my days open to see CD lol lk you’re such a freak ! you know this guy’s a stranger, RIGHT ?! right : ) ok, carry on then

    oh could also call my cousin… she may not want to hear about CD…. but…. i don’t even have to really talk about that. ok, lk – go forth & dial buddy 2 & cousin if you want to chat & feel a little lonely…



  276.  #276tenny on December 12, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    @ Lizka

    I know what you mean. I go to the spa with a tribe of women most the time. They all know I’m into Rori’s programs so they indulge my feeling messages the whole time. One girlfriend is also getting into her feminine energy so the conversation goes very well sometimes. For the first time I talked to my masseuse for the whole hour!!! She was such a positive, feeling and open spirit – it was wonderful speaking with her and the massage was great. I thought it was weird practicing feeling messages around women, but it is actually easier than with CDs because I’m just being real.



  277.  #277Starla on December 12, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    I am feeling so nervous and self conscious filling out my grad school application. Eeeeeeep.

    I get this feeling sometimes that if I succeed at something it’s because I tricked my way into it.

    I wonder where that comes from. Maybe watching my mom trick her way through life, disguising, pretending, slacking. She didn’t like to work but manipulating her way through life sure seems like a full time job enough.

    “If I (my mom) get what I want, it’s only because I tricked my way into it”

    What a belief.



  278.  #278Starla on December 12, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Actually, let me correct myself, I ALWAYS get the feeling that i’m tricking my way into success and haven’t fully earned it. Saying “sometimes” was me acting like i’m not completely weird, but i am:D I always feel that way.

    Wow, this feels big. I feel like if I do more with noticing this, my whole work-school life could transform in how it feels for me. And that would feel amazing to feel even better and more comfortable in that place where i spend most of my waking time.



  279.  #279lk on December 12, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    oh buddy 2 is nice : )

    how about buddy 1 now? OH forgot about sexy CAcd calling/emailing – i’ll call him now!!!



  280.  #280Sweetpea on December 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Starla @ 277,

    Yay! Let your “freak flag” fly high!!

    And I’ll fly mine right beside ya! 😉

    I feel confident saying there’s much love on here for you. I know there is from me – just keep being yourself – whether you feel weird or not. Then bask in the glow of the love of your authentic self.

    Like!



  281.  #281RiverGirl on December 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Hey all, If you have a moment there is a new poster, Noelle, on this old thread who could use some support. post nbr 2849

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/your-story-questions-for-rori/new-questions-and-stories-from-you/



  282.  #282Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    I still feel so nervous about dating and feeling messages! Every time I start feeling confident and knowledgeable, I feel like I’m 16 again!

    But anyway, I feel excited, because I have a bonified date on Thursday! He was emailing and emailing! It was good, because he was respectful and fun and positive, but then it started to feel like he would never step up! Just to give you an idea, we’ve exchanged close to 100 emails (50 from each end). Here was the tailend of our email exchange tonight:

    CO: What are all the questions you have for me baby? I like to get all that stuff out the way because getting to meet people can be like an interview and its hard to relax. You already know my self esteem is not way up there but I’m sort of shy also. That’s why emailing is so great. I hate talking on the phone. It’s like I totally shut do when I have to talk on it.

    E: LOL, now that you’ve found a real woman, you don’t know what to do with her! 😉

    I wonder if you have any children? And have you ever been married? And how long you’ve been (in your profession)?

    Mostly I enjoy just getting together and not having the interview at all! I mean, a few curious questions here and there is fine, but I like to just get to know someone as they feel comfortable in the midst of activities or conversation, and just talk about what comes up naturally. It feels more comfortable, don’t ya think?

    CO: I have never been married but am open to it and hope it happens one day, I have no children and have been (in my profession) for seven years. I’m six two two twenty pounds, disease and drug free and I don’t drink. And I do agree that it’s more comfortable to get to know someone by just interacting instead of interviewing them.

    E: Cool, thank you! I’m drug and disease free, too. I drink socially, but I can take it or leave it. I drink a few drinks maybe every couple of months. I don’t have any kids, either.

    CO: I always said I want to be married before I have kids. How old are you.

    E: Guess! 🙂

    CO: 25

    E: Oh, God bless you! 47.

    CO: God blessed me with you. That’s a good age. You do look younger though.

    E: Awww, that feels sweet to hear! I was carded at restaurants that served alcohol until I was about 42! I love it, LOL!

    CO: That is a good thing because it hard to hold the aging process back. I have gray hairs already coming up.

    E: 🙂

    CO: Is the smile because you like gray hair or are you laughing at me?

    E: Neither, I just didn’t feel anything to say. I have so much gray that I color it.

    CO: Then I guess we are both in the same boat.

    E: I feel confused…do you want to meet or do you just want to let this go?

    CO: What do you mean by let this go.

    E: I wonder if you want to pursue getting to know me. I am really not looking for an email only friendship. What do you think?

    CO: I would love to get to know you. I didn’t know you were getting frustrated with the emails. I have a day off Thursday, can I come get to know you then and if so what time. If you are not comfortable with me picking you up just give me an address of were to meet you.

    E: Thank you, that would feel good! No, it’s all right, I mean, I don’t expect someone to just meet me without getting acquainted a little first. Thursday feels good, and my address is

    XXXXX

    What time did you have in mind? The only thing I need to work around is another friend who I promised to help her paint her house. I could do that either in the morning or afternoon probably.

    CO: Just tell me what time you want me there baby and I will be there. Pick a time that’s good for you.

    E: Alright, how about 6 pm?

    CO: You got.it, I will definitely be there hottie.

    E: Smiles! Thanks! I feel excited!

    CO: Me too!. Look I have to get some sleep baby. I will chat with you in the morning. I go to work at one o’clock.

    E: Ok, good night!

    CO: Goodnight baby. I will sleep good tonight thinking about you.

    He is the most sound, relationship-ready man I’ve come across in a long time. I wonder if I went too quickly to the feeling messages about not wanting an email only relationship? Any feedback on that? Any other improvements? I just felt excited to share, like a 16 year old wanting to squeal and jump up and down, LOL! I watched, “He’s Just Not that Into You” today and I could so relate to the woman who thot her dating life would dry up if she only dated men who actually liked her, LOL!



  283.  #283LILI 41 on December 12, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    257:

    BW, you are my goddess!!! TH is really in trouble now! lol 😉

    I had been attacking D alot too.
    Saturday night, I just focused on both of us having fun at my job’s party.
    Today, the organiser said that D must have went up to him like 10x to say thanks for organising such a great party!
    A group of guys were sitting in the lunchroom today saying how much this cool guy about this age w this colour shirt was tearing up the dance floor all night, singing.
    They said that they really enjoyed watching him go.
    They said they never saw the guy around, but he must work here since he was so at ease.
    I asked them “What colour was his hair, was he about this height, his shirt was what colour?”
    They replied Yeah.
    I said that was my bf ! loll 😀
    And he does not work here.
    They said that I must have a really good time alone w the guy coz he’s the life of the party.

    That’s what I love about D, he fits in everywhere just like I do.

    I made sure to tell him tonight.
    He usually never calls me on Monday nights to devote all his attention on his son. He only has him 2 nights a week.
    But tonight he spent half an hour on the phone w me.
    I told him how the guys at work said he was cool before they knew he was w me.
    I told him how I felt happy to see him have so much fun.
    I also got awesome pix of us together courtesy of my coworker friend.

    The vibe feels warmer between us…we’ll see. No rush, all the time in the world.

    I did plenty of cd’ing at the party anyway. I was feeling so much more connected and warm w people in general, but mostly men.
    That did wonders for my siren esteem. 🙂

    D was such a gentleman, holding my arm while walking on the ice in and out of the party to make sure I wouldn’t slip and fall.
    I made sure to tell him how that felt so good to be looked out for that way. I added “Thank you, it’s so nice of you, it makes me feel cared for.”
    Something I never paid attention to before.



  284.  #284Susan on December 12, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    I did something this weekend that I don’t feel good about.

    I was at Sweet Man’s place for the weekend and he left in the morning to go get us some Starbucks coffee. I was bored, so I started looking around his place. He saves everything, and I’ve known that for a long time. He has momentos from everything lying around and lots of photos of his kids and cards they have given him over the years. It’s kinda like a museum. I wasn’t exactly snooping. All this stuff is in plain sight. I saw a card in the living room lying face down, so I picked it up to read it. I thought it would have been from one of his kids but it was from his ex girlfriend. She gave him the card in 2005. It is no threat to me at all, but I felt bad after I read it. She had a pet name for him and it seemed intimate. Still, this was given to him long before he met me. And he and she were not together when we started dating.

    I realized after a while that the reason that card bothered me is that he kept it. And then I realized I had kept many cards and endearments from other men in my past. Men I now felt nothing for. I found myself imagining how he would feel reading those things. And then I realized this was more about me than it was about him. I’ve been going through my old emails since, deleting the ones from old beaus that declared love or referenced intimacy.

    Sweet Man didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t think I did either. But I feel bad. I’m hoping I feel better once my own collection is disposed of.



  285.  #285Starla on December 12, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    Thx miss sweetpea:)

    My application is about done. So little left to do to submit it. I feel so joyful that my wildest dreams can come true.



  286.  #286Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Noelle,

    RE: #2851 – You said, “In August, I met this amazing guy. He was so into me and wanting to hang out with me, but in October I found out he was interested in dating me and another girl who lived 2 hours away. The girl ended up asking him out and I stopped talking to him because I was heartbroken. They dated for two weeks till she left him saying she “just didn’t wanna be in a relationship” with him anymore. So we started hanging out/sleeping together again. Things were going great until last week I found out he was sleeping with another random girl. He said since we weren’t dating that it wasn’t a big deal, but he apologized for makin me feel inadequate. He told me it meant nothing because it’s “just sex” (not to her though apparently cause she sent him a text saying she loves him) but with me it’s “pure emotion”. The next day he told me that 4 girls, including myself and the girl he also is sleeping with, were interested in dating him. He also told me that he wasn’t interested in the other 3 and is interested in me. He’s had me meet his friends and has also taken me to his parent’s house and I’ve even met his son, but I’m always introduced as his friend. My friends say that next time I see him I should just tell him that since he isnt interested in the other girls and he and I are already sleeping together and spending alot of time together, that we should just make it official and start dating but take it slow (after his last breakup I asked if I still had hope for relationship with him, and he said he didn’t know the future but he does like me alot and care for me. However, he said he’s going to be single for a long time). I know he does have feelings for me and wants to be with me but I’m still terrified about what might happen. What do you think I should do?”

    There are no cheap solutions. What I would do in that situation – and I know it is far easier said than done – is to halfway cut him loose, saying something like this, “Hey, I really like you, but I like me, too. I don’t want to be in a sex-only relationship. I don’t want to feel second class. Each time I hear you sleep with another woman, I feel like I am being called a random whore. And I’m NOT a random whore. I am a valuable, respectable woman who can and will only give her heart to one man and one man only.

    “I wish you well, but my feelings for you are way too powerful to stay in this relationship if all I am to you is a roll in the hay.”

    Personally, I think once a man cheats on you, the chances of him not doing it again are slim. But if you really want to hold out for him in hopes of a good relationship, I would still just end it, letting him know how much you love him or how much he means to you.

    Then, over time, if he TRULY loves you for your heart and soul, and not just for your breasts and vajajay, then he will cum back to you, I mean, come back to you (LOL, just a little comic relief there in hopes of bringing you a smile in your pain).

    I would ask myself some tuff questions:

    Do I want to be committed to and in love with a man who cheats on me?

    How do I feel when I hear he has slept with another woman? What are my specific feelings? (I feel _________ and _____________ and _____________ and ____________________.)

    How would it feel to be cherished, honored, and respected by a man?

    I have come full circle on how I relate to men. I am not saying everyone has to do things my way, but what works for me, in order to filter out the men who really want a relationship vs. those who just want sex, I won’t have sex with a man up front or early on in a relationship. Does that mean I am going to lose him? Ok, fine, bye-bye!

    I don’t want to just be seen as a set of tatas and a vajajay. I am a woman, a human being, with a spirit, mind, heart, and soul.

    Why would a man buy the whole ice cream cart when you’re giving out the popsicles for free (“Never Been Kissed”)?

    Please pay attention to and give compassion to your pain. Your pain is a warning signal. Something is wrong.



  287.  #287Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Noelle,

    RE: #2851 – You said, “In August, I met this amazing guy. He was so into me and wanting to hang out with me, but in October I found out he was interested in dating me and another girl who lived 2 hours away. The girl ended up asking him out and I stopped talking to him because I was heartbroken. They dated for two weeks till she left him saying she “just didn’t wanna be in a relationship” with him anymore. So we started hanging out/sleeping together again. Things were going great until last week I found out he was sleeping with another random girl. He said since we weren’t dating that it wasn’t a big deal, but he apologized for makin me feel inadequate. He told me it meant nothing because it’s “just sex” (not to her though apparently cause she sent him a text saying she loves him) but with me it’s “pure emotion”. The next day he told me that 4 girls, including myself and the girl he also is sleeping with, were interested in dating him. He also told me that he wasn’t interested in the other 3 and is interested in me. He’s had me meet his friends and has also taken me to his parent’s house and I’ve even met his son, but I’m always introduced as his friend. My friends say that next time I see him I should just tell him that since he isnt interested in the other girls and he and I are already sleeping together and spending alot of time together, that we should just make it official and start dating but take it slow (after his last breakup I asked if I still had hope for relationship with him, and he said he didn’t know the future but he does like me alot and care for me. However, he said he’s going to be single for a long time). I know he does have feelings for me and wants to be with me but I’m still terrified about what might happen. What do you think I should do?”

    There are no cheap solutions. What I would do in that situation – and I know it is far easier said than done – is to halfway cut him loose, saying something like this, “Hey, I really like you, but I like me, too. I don’t want to be in a sex-only relationship. I don’t want to feel second class. Each time I hear you sleep with another woman, I feel like I am being called a random wh(ore. And I’m NOT a random wh(ore. I am a valuable, respectable woman who can and will only give her heart to one man and one man only.

    “I wish you well, but my feelings for you are way too powerful to stay in this relationship if all I am to you is a roll in the hay.”

    Personally, I think once a man cheats on you, the chances of him not doing it again are slim. But if you really want to hold out for him in hopes of a good relationship, I would still just end it, letting him know how much you love him or how much he means to you.

    Then, over time, if he TRULY loves you for your heart and soul, and not just for your breasts and vajajay, then he will cum back to you, I mean, come back to you (LOL, just a little comic relief there in hopes of bringing you a smile in your pain).

    I would ask myself some tuff questions:

    Do I want to be committed to and in love with a man who cheats on me?

    How do I feel when I hear he has slept with another woman? What are my specific feelings? (I feel _________ and _____________ and _____________ and ____________________.)

    How would it feel to be cherished, honored, and respected by a man?

    I have come full circle on how I relate to men. I am not saying everyone has to do things my way, but what works for me, in order to filter out the men who really want a relationship vs. those who just want sex, I won’t have sex with a man up front or early on in a relationship. Does that mean I am going to lose him? Ok, fine, bye-bye!

    I don’t want to just be seen as a set of tatas and a vajajay. I am a woman, a human being, with a spirit, mind, heart, and soul.

    Why would a man buy the whole ice cream cart when you’re giving out the popsicles for free (“Never Been Kissed”)?

    Please pay attention to and give compassion to your pain. Your pain is a warning signal. Something is wrong.



  288.  #288lk on December 12, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    omg STILL want to call CD…… i will sleep instead lol

    i will ask for healing, telling dreams : )

    & buddy 2 asked me out to the Avs game tomorrow if he can get tickets but i know a player so i can get tickets if he can’t : )))



  289.  #289lk on December 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    @Esteemed

    This line was amazing:

    “Please pay attention to and give compassion to your pain. Your pain is a warning signal. Something is wrong.”

    : )

    i feel inspired & i feel a renewed commitment to only continue things when they feel good : ) thank you !



  290.  #290Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Ik,

    Welcome! And thank YOU!

    I originally heard that from my podiatrist! In 1999, I started to have foot and ankle pain. He was also my Mom’s podiatrist, and he said, “Your pain is a warning signal. It is sad, but your Mom is an example of what happens when you don’t listen to the pain. That is why she is in a wheelchair.”

    My Mom and I both have weak ankles and arches. My Mom’s ankles broke down over the years to the point where she is literally walking on her ankles. That day he asked me, “Would you rather wear pretty shoes? Or would you rather not limp?!”

    I followed his advice, and I wear mostly Birkenstocks, Naots, and Keens, the brands with good arch support. No high heels for me. These feet are made for walking! No wheelchairs for me, either, tho!



  291.  #291Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Hay! Where’d everybody go?



  292.  #292Starla on December 12, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    sooo tired, so tempted to just drift off to sleep without taking care of me by eating dinner and showering.

    I should at least put some food in my body. Jeeeez, Starla.

    What is this? I struggle with feeding myself every night. Even when I’m starving for dinner I just get exhausted and want to sleep and would rather sleep through it than get up and fix food.

    i’m a weeeeiiirdooo

    and i’m going to feed myself right this second.



  293.  #293Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Even tho I haven’t met CO yet, it feels good to be called, “Baby”. I’ve been contemplating about R in the back of my mind this evening, as I am feeling good about my new CD.

    The thing is, R is NOT relationship ready. He is emotionally unavailable in the sense that he is healing now, and rightly so. I am in love with him.

    And I wonder about the psychology of relationships, what would happen if I were to just get in a committed relationship with another man. I do NOT want to just use CO to make him jealous…and yet part of me does. Part of me would feel so empowered to say, “No, I’m not going to be at the meeting tonight. I have a date.”

    What would R do or say if I told him that? I feel this situation is a little different on account of his schizophrenia. Sometimes people don’t see the light until they feel the heat.

    Yeah, that’s what it needs: some heat. Because it is not unfair. If he truly loves me, then the imminence of losing me could be the stimulus to cause him to step up his healing process and cum claim me.

    That would feel so good. How I have longed to hear R claim me….to hear HIM call me “Baby”. Yet most of the time he half denies that we were even in a relationship. Ugh.

    If I got in a committed relationship, I feel sure R would step up. Would it be unkind to say, “Sorry, I have a date tonight?” I am asking that, not as a rhetorical question.

    So far I have half held off on dating much in hopes of him coming back my way. Now he is starting to come back my way, but it’s still not fast enough. I want and need so much more from a man. And I understand he is not ready or able to give it. And I wonder how much longer can I hold out as a lonely woman making her own way thru this life?

    I feel so weary of being single, even tho I have largely come to a place of peace with it. Well, I will just enjoy the moment. And that looks like excitement about my date Thursday! And that looks like another night that the blog got me thru without texting R. Because he is always on my mind. I don’t really WANT to be with another man. But CDing is a good idea for a reason…it puts on the heat.

    So R, it is time for you to see the light!!

    I love you, Rori Raye! Thank you for transforming my dating life! You have helped me so, so much! Thank you for all eternity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  294.  #294Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Esteemed you are not in a relationship with R so I don’t see anything wrong with telling him you’re on a date – if he asks!

    Remember this is about being authentic and honest and with no hidden agendas. So if he asks you to meet or what you did last week (or whatever) then by all means tell him the truth.

    I really think you should cd no matter what – do you’re not solely focused on R. Your vibe will shift too and he will feel it. Works every time with TH!!



  295.  #295Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #292 – Wanna swap appetites? I can’t imagine! LOL!



  296.  #296Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Argh! I feel icky and I know it’s entirely my stuff, because TH has done absolutely nothing wrong!

    MW just told me he’d just emailed her a pic that was taken of him and Xzibit on Sunday night. She absolutely lives Xzibit so he would have sent it as a tease more than anything.

    I know nothing is in it and he is allowed to send innocent emails of course. I just wish it wasn’t to HER!! 🙁

    My stuff my stuff!!! Now where’d that pretty pink butterfly go….? 😉



  297.  #297Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    New CD is going to call me in ten minutes! He just texted and I told him I don’t want to text, so he said he would call…eeeeek! I havent replied and I’m all nervous now! I hate talking on the phone to guys! aaack! how old am I ? 13?? oh lord…geeez….



  298.  #298bluerose on December 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Esteemed

    i really hope your financial situation gets better soon. I’m sure you’ve turned every stone to find a solution, so i hope a solution finds you. you have a wonderful attitude, i don’t think i’d be as cheerful and as giving as you are if i were in your shoes.



  299.  #299Starla on December 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    I ate tomato soup:) I’m still a little hungry but i am going to get in the dang shower first. i went from nearly sleeping to doing everything i wanted to do to take care of myself:)

    I feel grateful to be able to use this blog to motivate myself to treat myself like a worthy siren, thank youuuu



  300.  #300Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    Butterfly Wings,

    TYVM for your feedback! Yes, it is the vibe shift I need more of. The sandy beach has made a world of difference, but I still feel and think too much about R.

    Often when we text or talk, R will ask me what I am doing, what I did, or what I am going to be doing. So ok, I will only tell him if he asks.

    I am remembering a split second in 2009, before everything went haywire, when I joked with him about him “having competition” over me. I said, “You better make a move! You got competition now!”

    He looked at me with a little bit of alarm, asking, “Who?!”

    Too bad I didn’t have a CD going for real, but I was just joking, so I told him the name of a woman friend of mine, who really wanted to spend more time with me. So I lost the moment.

    Slobbering all over him obviously doesn’t do much but keep him wiping off slobber. LOL!

    I don’t mean to have hidden agendas. Just please understand MOST of relationships and dating does not come second nature to me. It is much a new skill that requires deliberate decisions and deep thought on what to say, how to say it, when to say it, etc. Yeah, Esteemed is finally learning emotional intelligence. It’s about time.

    I have halfway wanted to CD. I was a member of ChristianMingle for 3 months last summer. It just didn’t happen. Most of them were scammers, and it’s just been one strike out after another.

    I really like how CO offered to pick me up! Most men are more squirrely than that, and they just want to meet for coffee or meet halfway. This dude is coming from an hour away.

    And I kinda like how he didn’t say or ask what we were going to do. I feel good looking forward to the surprise of it. Do you have any idea how few actual, real dates I’ve gone on in my life that are of the “Wine and Dine” variety?? Hardly any! I deserve to be treated like a princess. I deserve a good man.



  301.  #301Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Starla,

    One thing I really enjoy is tomato soup with a grilled cheese sandwich! What a flavor combination!



  302.  #302Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Bluerose,

    RE: #298 – Thank you! I appreciate the encouragement! Well I do feel more at ease now that my friend lent me some money. I will be paying her back within a week, but I feel relieved knowing I will have heat tomorrow. A lot of my hardship has really become a faith walk for me. I have stopped focusing on the discomfort and refocused on having deeper and deeper faith that God will step up and BE my Source of Supply.



  303.  #303Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Yes you DO deserve to be treated like a princess Esteemed, and you will get better at it the more you CD.

    Also, if R happens to ask and you’re able to say you have a date or you were on a date. Just say that, maybe kind of offhandedly. If he wants to know more he will ask. And if you don’t feel comfortable telling him more you can tell him so.

    It’s a numbers game too esteemed. The more people you date, the more better quality guys you’ll have coming your way.

    You will get there!! 🙂 xxx



  304.  #304Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    You’ll be right Emerson! Just be yourself! xxx



  305.  #305Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    My pretty pink butterfly is fluttering over a scene that’s linked to my life purpose. I feel good watching that scene – and inspired!

    One of my FB friends had a book published recently called “7 Days – Manifesting The Life You Want”. She sent me two free copies, one of which she wrote a personal message to me in the front cover.

    I’m already a third of the way through the book and I do feel like it’s really contributed to my feeling of well being right now.

    Already my icky feeling from before is practically gone. It’s still there but only just. It’s not hanging around for hours or days like it used to. I like this!

    And the book is great so far! My friend is one talented lady! 🙂



  306.  #306lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Narnia…

    what does that mean to me tonight?

    it is a reminder that i am the queen & the king. the queen is icy & impenetrable. she controls everything & only lets you have her candy if she wants something from you that even you don’t understand. the lion is warm, giving, open & enlightened – the lion is easily slaughtered by the queen. the lion is the symbol of strength & life & the woman is the symbol of control & fragile beauty. hmm…

    they are both in my inner consciousness… i want a warm, open, life-giving, strong queen. that means i have to integrate the male energy of the lion with the feminine energy.

    not being an frigid bxtch, but still being a woman.

    how would that look?

    i’m imagining…..

    ok my co-worker. she hates me. i know why, i think. part of it is i don’t have children. children take milk & dollars & watching movies & t.v. & burning candles & leaving your things out & leaving your purse un-watched & losing socks & money & forgetting & wondering where you spent an extra $600 & food & they don’t like carrots or bananas & everyone thinks you’re terrible at it & no one thinks your baby is as cute as you think it is & the clothes don’t fit & the shoes are gone & we need lessons & didn’t you do that ? & who did that ? ! ? & i don’t have time to do my makeup & no, the kids will hear us & stop, i feel fat & broken & stop & slow & heavy & i just want to rest … & also she thinks it’s the “good ol’ boys club” like the sales men say. but they have wives & daughters. they love the women. they know how strong & amazing we are. she thinks i have a job because i’m pretty. actually, i just realized i’m pretty a few years ago, but thank you : ) yes, i know the men like me… but “pretty” isn’t why… don’t you see me make them feel safe ? I know the jokes, the laughs, the beers, the t.v., the girlfriends, the Girlfriends, the women, the women, the women, the men, the obsession with man, why are we men ? & what does it mean ? & what are the girls doing ? & how do we find a woman. you know, a woman. they all want just one woman. just one. just a woman.

    & also, the fear. i’m so small, so little, so young. i feel afraid, like…. these grown-ups have walked the path ? & yet they feel down-trodden ?

    I don’t understand… you walked the path … & you MADE the path ………….. why are you lost ?

    oh, yes, i am lost. like alice in wonderland with wonderful disney’s little sweeper sweeping up the path behind me as i go along. all technicolor. so lovely. & the nice song.. i give myself very good advice, but i very seldom follow it…….

    nice.

    so… looking at the idea of woman & man & the joining. yes ? oh, i was thinking again – looking back on your notes – of the woman, the ice queen, & the man, the lion, & wondering what it all has to do with you, your royal high-ness ?

    ahhhhhh… yes. & here i am in this respectable community of women. as “CDcd” told me – or, heaven forbid me, i will have to call him something else…. i typed his name but i feel afraid.. he is a king but i can’t confuse him with my own internal king…. neither my father, who is my patriarchal king, nor my grandfathers who are the sacred battling heroes of my lineage, the monarchs, the age-d ones, out of touch with the reality of modern-day politicking ….. his name will be … allegorical … the moment, the joining, the point between zero & infinity, just like the ampersand – that equal, equivical, pointed joining – the meeting point, the un-graph-able, the continuous & all-inclusive…… alright, zen. there it is, he is zen until he just isn’t in my life (because i’m zen, i’m my thoughts, i’m my writings, i create my perceptions of others).

    as i was saying. as zen told me… well, i honestly forget. part of me is obsessed with him actually. the idea of him. the shaved head, the texture of the clothing, the skin, the fingernails, the neck, the lips, the shoulders, the feet. the walk & the spinal adjustments & the consciousness & the mirroring & the ritual & the visual & the rhyme & the beat & the features incomplete I want you to know everything about me’s good & pure but in my mind i know your mind & i know you’ll never mind if i spill our secrets here i know you’d never join me here but here i am to show you what i’m capable of & why you’re joiningmehere i want to know why you’re capable of melting me into my heart i know why you’re capable of melting me, that’s why i’m so slow to start. ok, yes. that’s about it. that’s about as best a summation to provide.

    for the other part, just dealing with me & not those other men. & the women.

    a quick detour to the friends who are women who still i have a fear of. not sure if it’s my problem or if i have some huge problem or if just there is no problem. just like the co-worker. all differing degrees of difficulty. & my mother too. just as long as I’m not under her roof, signing invoices to her address, then we’re good & all friends & such & lovely she is nice & inspiring. & my grandmothers also – all hail to them – the queens who ensnared my monarchs of grandfathers – the witches, brewing mesmerizing potions in their kitchens. goodness, i love spellcheck, i’d never have gotten “mesmerising” right. those women, though. the green beans with almonds & the pudding pie & the pie crust, oh god & the deviled eggs & the biscuits & the chile . my stomach is speaking to me audibly . the corn bread, the spiced yogurt, the coffee, the tea, the chocolate icing….

    alright, yes, on to me then.

    just my own things. at the beginning…

    very food-oriented. the cupcakes come to mind very quickly & also, the seasoning salt. also broccoli, also a great fear of the microwave.

    also love for fire & love for the smell of fire. also love of hats & the color purple. also, the smell of leather. also, the love of new people, mail, rocks, juice, my mama, my daddy, trees, eating things. especially things that are not meant to be eaten. mixing things that are not meant to be eaten & then trying to eat the potion. trying to make potions. trying to make spells. trying to fix things with magic. hurting my neck diving off my father’s desk. the smell of leather. the smell of carpet. the total fear of paralyzing. see what i did ? are you paying attention anymore ? ! i swear i’m not rambling… i’m trying to tell you something. about my energies that intertwine. about the history. so we can solve the mystery. ahh if i were a giant black man you would think i was cool but now i just look silly. oh well what else is new.

    oh lk, keep going. this is good for you . i do feel free & free-flowing & fast typing like amazing & open. i’m scared it is late because if i wake too late, i won’t make yoga, but i officially grant you permission to skip yoga as often as you please – officially signed grand minister of this universe

    lol, thanks, baby – you’re cute. i really know how to date myself. we cleaned the apartment & had a glass of wine & then a cigarette then a glass of wine then a cigarette all interspersed with calls to friends on the telephone. have you heard of that ? the telephone ? yes, it’s pretty good – you can ring up people any time of day or night in their pocket or purse or under their leg while they’re driving or at their desk when they’re trying to meet a deadline or under their pillow when they’ve only got 4 hours to sleep before they have to wake for a client meeting & the ringer is set on HIGH so they don’t miss their alarm clock ? … yeah, it’s a pretty cool invention. yes, so i rang up about 6 friends from around the country tonight. tried 1 in california, no answer, another in my state, we chatted & we’ll hang out… then another in california & he’s coming to visit next week… then my buddy up in the mountains from ny just visiting, dw, & he said he’d call me back in 10 min… then my cousin, we chatted, her just driving back from her last semester at university, just about to spend some time with family before embarking on an intense international adventure, me sharing my intense romance, her also sharing her art university experience & me too & the sharing. no answer from buddy 1 who is in ny – the investment banker – but then dw called back, telling me how good the mountains were – he had just been catching up with his mom – & i told him that his dad was my hero – his mom had just come from a benefit for his dad to help other families with firefighters who got sick during 9/11. the charity benefits a van service to take family members to the hospital to visit loved ones. he had really enjoyed the gifts i sent with him & had already made several friends : ) i teared up on the phone with him. lot of love for that guy.

    alright, lk. are you ready to go inward ? NO !? ! i want a cigarette. lol really? yeah, kind of ? are you ever going to to stop ? are you just addicted to nicotine, or is it just the ritual ? or … what is it ?

    i hate the taste, i hate the burn. i hate the cold or the heat & the bad breath & the smelly hands. the perfume i kind of love though. i remember the dark nights at that one hotel in santa fe thinking oh my gosh the smell of that vanilla scented tobacco burning along with the smell of chlorine & mountain air & my parents & rum probably & my old stretched out bathing suit & pacing the little pool over the lights & their angling, over the drains, illuminating tile & gathered sunken leaves. diving for shadows. intensely aware of every millimeter of my body & every minute twist of my organs, muscles, heart, breath, each artery, each vein, each capillary, all with the twisting, pulsing, balanced chaos

    sure, go have one. see what you think. by the way, i can still feel a little burn on my throat, like ripped tissue in the back & then just sticking way deep in the lungs like tar. i know anatomy, we can fix this – but you have to try. oh, yeah, sure. but who cares ? life is life & life is death & death is just life : ) you know ?

    and when i come back, i want to make sure i’m in the right mind-set, so i’ll leave myself a prompt. i feel lost, so i’m going to scroll up a few paragraphs & try to think what i was saying. also, i feel nervous to lose this typing so i’m going to paste it into an email. good luck, lk in this technical memory endeavor. aw jeez i must be drunk or something. now i’m like, “hey, lk, make a technicolor joke now because you said technical ? ! i totally remember typing the word ‘technicolor’ ealier” like, ok, stonerlk, you can go back to sleep now lol

    omg, still just trying to go inward.. what a horrifying prompt. i hope this cigarette helps. unfortunately, it probably will “help” in that it is a trigger for me to actually go inward.



  307.  #307lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    i wonder if i’m making sense. i feel afraid. i’m going to bundle & go outside. i did do an awesome job of straightening my apartment, so i’m not a total waste. i’m going to have a cigarette & listen to a good song. not sure what yet. i’m sure the universe will send me the message lol : )



  308.  #308lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    1 other thing about writing – it would be best for translators & the overall translation discipline to speak in the most direct terms with the least-subtle nuances in order to communicate with the highest percentage of humans.

    but, if we are counting aliens & rocks & stars & dark matter, the overall percentage of everything that you are able to communicate with is approximately zero, no matter what you do in this life : )

    & also, by the way, i’ve decided i feel quite fine about dangling prepositions & also with erratic usage of the oxford comma, also with the use of “their” to refer to a non-gendered singular person. & also with emoticons : ) also with typos & also with mis-placed quotes. sxck it, humans. you hear me no matter my paragraph spacing.



  309.  #309Esteemed on December 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    BW – Thanks! You’re a sweetheart!



  310.  #310Starla on December 12, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Thank you, Starla, for washing my hair and exfoliating my skin.



  311.  #311lk on December 12, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    by the way, this is seriously the last thing before i go to smoke, my heart is beating fast just with my own thoughts. & i’m feeling glad to have not contacted CDcd all day. i told my neighbor, yes if i called him, no matter what transpired, it could not make me feel good, because what i want is for him to contact me.

    yes, that is what i want !

    : ) & i feel extra good feeling that yes he will & not doing it for him takes the question mark out of the will he ? oh, yes, he will : )



  312.  #312Starla on December 12, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    nice, lk, way to play for Team Lean Back.



  313.  #313lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    ah yezzz welcome, thom yorke, to the nearly-full moon as it wanes over my hometown.

    alright, had the cigarette. it was gross. i got a little buzz, but it was smoky & harsh & minty & weird … “it’s hard to be a human” thanks, modest mouse lol… gave myself permission to go walk around in the dark without a cigarette with my headphones on. that would be ok just close in my neighborhood, like that lady who takes that tiny dog around always on her cell phone.

    yeah, it was pretty good. the tobacco & the harsh on my throat with smoking makes me feel lethargic & cautious toward my body.

    plus it’s just addictive. so literally i just had a half a cigarette & now i want more. fine, lk, sure. go have 2 & see how you feel. you want more wine ? sure. just promise me you’ll come write about it directly after.

    oh, thank god. beyonce on shuffle. she’s a goddess, eh ?



  314.  #314lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    thanks for giving me permission to do stupid shxt & experiment with my body & with other humans & with other parts of nature & all in front of people in public exposed & also to drink or smxke or be a vegan or quit smoking or whatever, just in your own time & your own rhythm. i appreciate it & i like your inaudible song that you’re dancing to. there is that vibration that i can feel too & it’s great like healing everything all at once everywhere. feel txrned on. thanks also for NOT contacting CD. he can’t abate your stresses. thanks for letting me do whatever the fxck i want & also always having cool new music with no stress about getting it. & always having cool shxt around & also for throwing stuff out, just closing your eyes & saying forget about it..

    “it’s all about you” – Classified some good lessons…& some question marks for me personally usually but sometimes not, just enjoying. don’t you lose no sleep : ) life is all about the things you’ll never figure out

    thanks for saying it’s ok to walk outside with no cigarette, & thanks for saying it’s ok to smoke a pack of cigarettes & have another glass of wine when i meant to go to yoga in 7 hours & just know it’s not going to happen.

    that’s ok. i can lead myself in yoga tonight after i shower & then i can sleep in late-ish : ) yep ! i can do that : )



  315.  #315Starla on December 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    lk, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want, but how do you get up early all the time? it is so difficult for me:( but i would like to do it.



  316.  #316lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    the queen is “hard to get” but she is isolated by necessity – otherwise, she would “lose” her power

    the lion is ready to lie down on the rock, willing to be destroyed

    how can these two be integrated?

    why am i avoiding this question so intensely ?

    why do i keep asking it ?

    “i’ve got a hunger, twisting my stomach into knots… my brain’s repeating, if you’ve got an impulse let it out”

    : ) thank you



  317.  #317lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    @Starla –

    i set 1000 alarm clocks & put the volume on HIGH very far from my pillow & also leave myself notes everywhere like, “LK PLEASE WAKE UP WE HAVE NO TOILET PAPER & ONLY LIKE 3 TISSUE LEFT : ///”

    lol… but seriously

    i also name my alarm clocks so they go off like, “wake & stretch : )” then “coffee & shower : )” then “meeting with mc : /” lol



  318.  #318lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    having wine & more cigarettes because i’m a grown up & it’s just me in my life. eff everyone… kind of : ) i mean, i love it all, even the very saddest & most dangerous.



  319.  #319lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    also, quickly thinking of the differences between “versions” of a story. the bible, legends, songs, whatever. i think the version that matters is always the version you “remember” including branches.

    i’ll try later to do this with snow white. i can tell that story well, integrating many different “versions” & i think the importance of passing it down & making allusions to the history …. yes, the individual “interpretation” that is created by the additional narratives as the combine & compete with each other



  320.  #320Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    304 BW well not to worry… he never called. Whateves! I didn’t feel like talking anyway!!!
    I didn’t text him back when he texted that he’d call me at that time…but was I supposed to????

    Oh help me God I am getting so fed up with these men and starting to feel fearful that there are none good left…I KNOW that is not true and just an NV but oh my….i am feeling the heat of dissappiontment..not in this guy in particular, just overall….aaackk. waahh



  321.  #321lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    this is hilarious to me that i can do this in a public forum.

    i do really appreciate this community & audience of such amazing women.

    i suppose i assume that at some point i will get “caught” in this writing & feel really weird about it but i do feel proud of how open i feel writing when i think i’m speaking in a room of sympathetic women : ) i feel free & easy & open : )))

    i can move really fast & just express it without judgment. it’s cool.

    i’m about to do something really intense…

    then i’m really going to try to ask myself about how the queen & the lion have battled



  322.  #322Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Oh darn, Emerson! I know I would have texted back something like “Ok” or “I look forward to it” or something like that – to encourage him. But whether that’s the right thing to do or not, I’m not sure! 🙂

    Oh well if he emails you again you can always express your confusion… xxx



  323.  #323Starla on December 12, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    thank you starla for flossing my teeth
    thank you for the mini facial
    thank you for drying my hair so i don’t get sick
    thank you for putting lotion on my skin
    thnk you for feeding me tomato soup
    thank you for drinking water



  324.  #324lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    also @Starla

    i studied my own sleep cycles & i sleep best at 25-30 min or 1 hr 15-30 min naps & 3 hr 15-30 min rem cycles, so i set my sleep time by that : ) but i bet it’s SUPER individual : )



  325.  #325lk on December 12, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    tried to smoke 2 cigarettes. at half a cigarette i felt disgusted. i give myself permission to quit. what am i afraid of losing ?

    the sensuality of taking the lighter in my hand & making fire, of taking the stale plant in my mouth & reviving & perpetuating life

    oh, hi, patsy cline : ) welcome, that’s lovely

    yes, cigarettes. but i feel un-sexy & i want to feel sexy : ) that’s reason enough for me, lk : )



  326.  #326Starla on December 12, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    lk, you gave me an idea…i’m gonna put the alarm in the bathroom. thanks:)



  327.  #327Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    322 BW yah I thought about that, but then I thought no, grow some b*lls and call a girl for Pete’s sake! I already told my friend she could give him my number so DUUUUHHHHH……I mean, I think this texting phenom has really dumbed down guys’ b*llsyness to call or is it just LAZY??? I dn’t knowww……i dont caarrrre….
    yes that is me whiinniinngg…..

    Well the book “the List” it says if a guy is really interested he WILL reach you and HE WILL get hold of you regardless! So perhaps he is not…oh well his loss!!!

    I don’t want his crap scraps!



  328.  #328Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    284 Susan I hope you don’t continue to feel bad…it was really enlightening to read through your sequence of thoughts and feelings as you processed this….



  329.  #329lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    ok, i basically stopped at the fear of paralyzing, so i can go easily to the fear of sharks, ghosts, dark, endlessness, all the scary things i’ve ever done. including losing teeth, including hiking, including bleeding after hitting my chin on the concrete, including those first men. even i remember ken doll & paul macartney & all the boys good & the men then better & i want to want the one man that’s best : )

    so the fears & yes, some of them had a lot to do with the sexual vulnerability of womanhood. like, how are these men around me behaving like this when i’m so sensual & feeling ?

    & i was the ice queen – just judgment & protection & harsh intrigue with fatal results

    then i learned to soften gradually

    but i have been vacillating too hard between the two. sometimes boy & soft & warm; sometimes girl & hard & cold. i want to be woman & warm & strong : ) i am learning : )))) that is good, lk, to be the resting lion who depends on the lioness & to be the queen also, who is permanently, timelessly empowered : )

    fyi, neither one hunts : ) but both are royalty. that’s not a sin



  330.  #330lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    ZOMG going to have the best rest.

    a shower, the stretch, then wake, the stretch, then coffee & burrito, then good day of really fast work because i got behind today due to silly, unexpected tasks

    : ) good luck : ) you better be out the door by 7:30

    yes, i know ! : )

    & my parents don’t matter by the way if they think CDcd isn’t chill. i know i can show them : ) that feel safe & lovely : )



  331.  #331lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    aw mannn… but i still wish CD would email me : )

    goodnight, world. lk signing out o_0 narnia…..



  332.  #332Emerson on December 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    good night lk I enjoy your thoughts on the blog very much…



  333.  #333lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    also, while i sleep, i’m going to focus on healing the 2 things about him that i can : )

    1 of them, i can incorporate into my own self-healing & 1 i’m just super-practiced at because i did it to myself – 1x on accident – 1x by mental energy – 1 by emotional energy – & then the best was when i did it to someone far away with purely emotional energy : ) so i know i can share that with CDcd & i will know if it works : ) i already saw the 2 signs : ) i feel excited & powerful to see how fast or powerfully i can do it. last time, it literally was same-day when i did the remote last time… so cr8zy !!!



  334.  #334lk on December 12, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    goodnight, emerson! goodnight, starla!

    goodnight, fat waning moon : )



  335.  #335Butterfly wings on December 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    Emerson – yep I agree that if a guy wants to talk to you badly enough, he’ll find a way!

    The poofers are doing you a favour by removing themselves early. Their loss I agree! xxx



  336.  #336loving_me on December 12, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Hello to all. I found this website tonite as I began reading some quotes from various sites. Wow! I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past 30 mins than I have my whole life prior. My situation is a little different than those I have read so far but I figure I would share and see if anyone has any suggestions. I am married. We started dating May of 2010. We kinda got off to a rocky start. My ex boyfriend had just moved across country and he was sending texts saying he loved me and blah blah blah. Well I told him (the ex) that I loved him too and a part of me always would. At the time… That was how I felt. So anyway my now husband went through my phone and read the text and was very upset understandably of course. I told him that I would end contact with the ex and that I wanted this relationship to have a real chance and I told him that wouldn’t betray his trust again. Well months past and one night as we were laying in bed… I just couldn’t fall asleep. I know this is going to sound crazy but I felt like his phone was screaming for me to pick it up and go through it. So I did. What a surprise I found when he had been texting other girls, texting his ex.. telling her heoved her, responding to adds on the internet. I was heart broken and extremely upset. I don’t really deal with emotions very well.. something I am trying to work on…. But most of the time I only experience anger. I am saddened for a moment then it turns to extreme anger. I woke him up from his sleep after I allowed time to process everything I had just read. I asked him was there something he needed to talk to me about of something he felt he needed to explain. He responded as any man would given the situation.. what are you talking about? I told him what I knew. I didn’t ask questions or yell. I simply looked at him.. tears rolling down my face and said… Goodbye. I began to head out the door. I made it as far as my car and he was down behind me. He begged me not to leave for us to plz talk about it and so on. I heard him out and although I knew he was not being completely honest.. I told him that we could try this again. Clean slate. A few months later we talked about a contract marriage. He is in the service and was deploying. I wanted the insurance and he wanted the extra money per say. We got married and he deployed. While he was gone.. I did some real soul searching and began focusing on myself and what I wanted. I decided that I wanted a real marriage and him as my husband. We began talking about it a little here and there. He made the discision that once he returned that we would see where we both were and make a final decision about our complete relationship. So.. here we are.. he has been back for a little over 2 months. He surprised me with a Spa/resort mini vacation with his early return. He bought me a newer car. He bought me a coach purse.. something I have always wanted but never could afford. His whole attitude has changed. He is not the man that left me so many
    Months ago. He had become my best friend. I catch myself just falling into deep conversation with him about the little things we want from life. I have always been the type that believed if it sounded or seemed too good to be true it usually is. So I catch myself waiting for something “bad” to happen. So now that you know my who life story or so it seems… Is it wrong of me to feel insecure about his actions? Prior to his deployment he wasn’t a very affectionate man.. at all. Sex was ok but lacked effort on both parts. He had only kissed me.. truly kissed me maybe 5 times and our relationship seemed like it was stuck. Now everything is completely different and I feel like I am at the point where I am falling head over heals in-love with him. He has become the man I always knew he could be. Part of me is so scared of being hurt and part of me wants to buckle the seatbelt and enjoy the ride. Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.



  337.  #337loving_me on December 12, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    Hello to all. I found this website tonite as I began reading some quotes from various sites. Wow! I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past 30 mins than I have my whole life prior. My situation is a little different than those I have read so far but I figure I would share and see if anyone has any suggestions. I am married. We started dating May of 2010. We kinda got off to a rocky start. My ex boyfriend had just moved across country and he was Hello to all. I found this website tonite as I began reading some quotes from various sites. Wow! I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past 30 mins than I have my whole life prior. My situation is a little different than those I have read so far but I figure I would share and see if anyone has any suggestions. I am married. We started dating May of 2010. We kinda got off to a rocky start. My ex boyfriend had just moved across country and he was sending texts saying he loved me and blah blah blah. Well I told him (the ex) that I loved him too and a part of me always would. At the time… That was how I felt. So anyway my now husband went through my phone and read the text and was very upset understandably of course. I told him that I would end contact with the ex and that I wanted this relationship to have a real chance and I told him that wouldn’t betray his trust again. Well months past and one night as we were laying in bed… I just couldn’t fall asleep. I know this is going to sound crazy but I felt like his phone was screaming for me to pick it up and go through it. So I did. What a surprise I found when he had been texting other girls, texting his ex.. telling her heoved her, responding to adds on the internet. I was heart broken and extremely upset. I don’t really deal with emotions very well.. something I am trying to work on…. But most of the time I only experience anger. I am saddened for a moment then it turns to extreme anger. I woke him up from his sleep after I allowed time to process everything I had just read. I asked him was there something he needed to talk to me about of something he felt he needed to explain. He responded as any man would given the situation.. what are you talking about? I told him what I knew. I didn’t ask questions or yell. I simply looked at him.. tears rolling down my face and said… Goodbye. I began to head out the door. I made it as far as my car and he was down behind me. He begged me not to leave for us to plz talk about it and so on. I heard him out and although I knew he was not being completely honest.. I told him that we could try this again. Clean slate. A few months later we talked about a contract marriage. He is in the service and was deploying. I wanted the insurance and he wanted the extra money per say. We got married and he deployed. While he was gone.. I did some real soul searching and began focusing on myself and what I wanted. I decided that I wanted a real marriage and him as my husband. We began talking about it a little here and there. He made the discision that once he returned that we would see where we both were and make a final decision about our complete relationship. So.. here we are.. he has been back for a little over 2 months. He surprised me with a Spa/resort mini vacation with his early return. He bought me a newer car. He bought me a coach purse.. something I have always wanted but never could afford. His whole attitude has changed. He is not the man that left me so many
    Months ago. He had become my best friend. I catch myself just falling into deep conversation with him about the little things we want from life. I have always been the type that believed if it sounded or seemed too good to be true it usually is. So I catch myself waiting for something “bad” to happen. So now that you know my who life story or so it seems… Is it wrong of me to feel insecure about his actions? Prior to his deployment he wasn’t a very affectionate man.. at all. Sex was ok but lacked effort on both parts. He had only kissed me.. truly kissed me maybe 5 times and our relationship seemed like it was stuck. Now everything is completely different and I feel like I am at the point where I am falling head over heals in-love with him. He has become the man I always knew he could be. Part of me is so scared of being hurt and part of me wants to buckle the seatbelt and enjoy the ride. Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated. texts saying he loved me and blah blah blah. Well I told him (the ex) that I loved him too and a part of me always would. At the time… That was how I felt. So anyway my now husband went through my phone and read the text and was very upset understandably of course. I told him that I would end contact with the ex and that I wanted this relationship to have a real chance and I told him that wouldn’t betray his trust again. Well months past and one night as we were laying in bed… I just couldn’t fall asleep. I know this is going to sound crazy but I felt like his phone was screaming for me to pick it up and go through it. So I did. What a surprise I found when he had been texting other girls, texting his ex.. telling her heoved her, responding to adds on the internet. I was heart broken and extremely upset. I don’t really deal with emotions very well.. something I am trying to work on…. But most of the time I only experience anger. I am saddened for a moment then it turns to extreme anger. I woke him up from his sleep after I allowed time to process everything I had just read. I asked him was there something he needed to talk to me about of something he felt he needed to explain. He responded as any man would given the situation.. what are you talking about? I told him what I knew. I didn’t ask questions or yell. I simply looked at him.. tears rolling down my face and said… Goodbye. I began to head out the door. I made it as far as my car and he was down behind me.



  338.  #338loving_me on December 13, 2011 at 1:52 am

    Sorry for the duplicated posts. It said that there was an error so I continued to try numerous times. After reading my post… It’s seems as though I didn’t completely explain the then verses now. To sum it up…. Before his deployment I knew that I loved him. I knew that I was drawn to him in a way that I couldn’t really explain but I always believed in him and what he could potentially be. He was hurt in his last relationship. She broke his heart. I also have hurt him in the past. Please understand that I am not making excuses for any behaviors on either part.. him.. nor myself but we both hurt each other in the first 7 months of our relationship. For the past 13 or 14 months I have really tried to become a better woman first of for most for myself and secondly for the loved ones in my life. Forgiveness has never been my strong point and in the past I have walked away from anyone and everyone who has ever betrayed my trust and friendship. So my husband has been the first man that I have ever worked on forgiving. (I would say I have a few walls.. that I was and continuing to work on) So with that being said.. he has stood by me in my weakest of moments on my path to become a better woman. The way I feel for him now is indescribable. My heart aches when he is away. I never knew love could feel so wonderful and blissful. He makes me feel like I am a treasure now. Like he values what I can bring to this marriage. To our friendship… To our companionship. I never truly realized how empty I felt until 2 months ago when he returned. I am dealing with so many emotions I didn’t know I could feel and to be honest… It scares the poop out of me. My only fear is that I’m going to end up hurt and heart broken.. like a puzzle without all the pieces. So I guess my more direct question would be how do I overcome this fear that is trying to consume me?



  339.  #339Butterfly wings on December 13, 2011 at 2:16 am

    Just went for a 5km walk with TH. now waiting for him to get ready for our movie date!

    Ex coworker confirmed for tomorrow night too! If I had feelings for him, he’d be a great prospect – he steps up with no prompting from me. And he IS really nice – just not for me.



  340.  #340Lizka on December 13, 2011 at 3:39 am

    Hum… Waking up feeling not good about going to SpainCD’s Christmas party…

    I think I should follow my feeling, no? I don’t usually do that. Maybe it’s time to start…

    I’ll think of a feeling message…

    Maybe something like “I will not be able to make it on Friday night. I don’t feel comfortable to go on something that looks like a date with you. I feel controlled and watched when around you and I don’t want to feel like that around a guy.”

    Comments? Suggestions? Ideas?? These are always apreciated, I always get good advices on my feeling messages when I come here and ask. And I learb a lot too…



  341.  #341Butterfly wings on December 13, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Just got home from seeing New Year’s Eve with TH. I LOVED the movie!! And I also hope it gave TH some inspiration! Hehe! 😉



  342.  #342Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Lizka that feels like a slap in the face. Even if you don’t feel turned on by him you also don’t want to live him with a feeling of diminishment to his masculinity. I believe you can just leave it with “I am feeling weird/uncomfortable about going to the party” or “I am just not feeling it and I want to respect my feelings so I cannot go”.

    Feeling controlled and watched is just the judgemental thoughts going around in your head that is generating that. Maybe you felt controlled as a child and might be projecting that? From what I have seen when guys are really attracted they follow their women around and they stare. I have experienced guys following me as far as the restroom and staring in after me as if they are oblivious of what they are doing. I experienced that when I was a younger woman and I still experience that today.



  343.  #343lk on December 13, 2011 at 6:29 am

    from EMK:

    You know it. I know it. Diving into a relationship based on passion is all about the FEELING in the moment, the INSTANT gratification and longing for connection.

    But it’s usually not what’s going to make you happy in the long-term.

    Long-term happiness is not built on passion because passion, according to leading scientists, tends to fade within 18-24 months.

    And when it does, you had better find yourself with a man whom you can TRUST, who WANTS to commit, who treats you with KINDNESS and CONSISTENCY.

    This doesn’t mean that there will be NO passion in your relationship.

    Don’t even try to twist my words like that.

    I’m simply saying that when you’re assessing a man’s relationship potential in that first year, don’t get too excited by “passion”, since it will likely fade.

    Pay attention to how much he prioritizes you, how much he wants the same things out of life, and how EASY your relationship is.

    Passionate relationships may be many things, but “easy” is rarely one of them.

    Before I go, I want to share this quote I found about passion:

    “Passion can never purchase what true love desires: true intimacy, self-giving, and commitment.”

    Amen.



  344.  #344light heart on December 13, 2011 at 6:42 am

    haha lk, I wanted to post that here too,
    because it whispers to me 🙂

    ok, my first song of the day:
    baby blue sedan…it’s hard to be a human

    🙂
    light heart



  345.  #345Mel on December 13, 2011 at 6:44 am

    I have a question for you Emerson…

    So a little ways up, you said that you communicated your preference to your CD to talk rather than text. Then a little later, you stated that you hate talking to guys on the phone.

    So what I’m wondering is… what would you actually prefer to do?

    For me… I’m perfectly comfortable texting and emailing my CDs. That’s what feels good and natural to me. If they want to call… cool. But I don’t feel like it needs to be a certain way.

    I actually LOVE that Mr. A sends me good morning texts, and sweet dreams texts, and will often send me an email during the day to check-in.

    The only time I said I would prefer a phone call is when we were trying to organize plans one night and it just felt like it would be easier to talk rather than text back and forth forever to figure stuff out. He called right away and we decided where/when to meet etc.

    Anyway… I just thought I’d ask. Because, I for one, don’t find texting to be an inferior form of communication. It’s just whatever feels good to you.



  346.  #346VW on December 13, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Lili 41 and Sirens that relate to this:

    Lili, I often read your posts and I noticed feeling triggered…(and thank u btw…;) )…

    I pondered upon it and realized your tone and demeanor mirrors a part of me I judged in the past…”Proper” and “virtuous”…

    The men I used to get involved with apparently valued that in me…yet, I secretly hated I could not be just a bit more “loose” and “cool” like the many other women who would have no issue whatsoever flirting with my guy right there in front of me, talking to men, always getting their way, gosh…I judged them soooo bad…

    And I remember about you story and u bf’s neighbor – the woman you judge for being loose, flirtatious, etc…

    About two years ago, in the midst of another heartbreak of humiliation…my willingness to explore a different part of me began…

    Since then, I mastered the art of seduction…being indeed the “cool” and “loose” woman (okay, my fashion sense would not allow me to make fashion bloopers, lol)…I envied and judged other for…

    And it wasn’t just the women…the men I chose were also fun, spontaneous, charismatic…qualities which by the way I possessed myself but, I would be sooo methodical and calculated (e.g., “constipated bi*tch) about where and who would see that part of me…

    So, the bottom line, until I was able to bring out and own these qualities I envied and judged in another…I always had a chip on my shoulder…

    I encourage women who have these judgements of other women/men to explore them by:

    Being open to (even imagining) a threesome
    Smoking some p*ot (still on my list…i don’t like the smell)
    Kissing another woman and maybe more
    Go out alone to a lounge/club
    Go to a strip club (women strip club)
    Take a poll dance class
    etc…

    If you feel resistant to either of these suggestions, ask yourself…Why? How do you know it’s not you if you never try it? What is there for you to heal (fear, memories, judgements of others?…)

    Anyway, I had this on my mind to share with you for a while…

    Warm hugs,



  347.  #347light heart on December 13, 2011 at 6:56 am

    “And it’s hard to be a human being
    And it’s harder as anything else
    And I’m lonesome when you’re around
    And I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself
    And I miss you when you’re around”

    You see their light, they can’t see it
    themselves, projecting their self-loathing,
    blaming it on you, making you responsible
    for their being able to see it, passion, passion,
    No need to work so hard for happiness,
    be careful about falling into self-doubt, stay alone
    if you have to, follow your true north

    🙂
    light heart



  348.  #348light heart on December 13, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Hi VW, I really, really liked the convo you had with LG about pushing against other’s opinions and triggers in the last thread. It makes a lot of sense, and highlights the fact that triggers are not a bad thing, because it shows us an unexamined belief that most likely is limiting us in some way. obtw, I am way OK with enjoying through imagining, the things on your list, without having to act them all out. For instance, one guy on dating site said that because of the way I answered a q about being open to any kind of sexual liasion in a relationship, as long as there is agreement and mutual respect, etc, in his first email to me said that his fantasy is to see his woman with another man, and what I told him is that while that is a nice fantasy to have, a way to satisfy the desire for variety and novelty, there are other ways to satisfy that desire, that don’t require all imaginings to be acted out.
    that’s my opinion, anyway, no one else has to agree
    🙂
    light heart



  349.  #349VW on December 13, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Light Heart:

    I feel glad you enjoyed the conversation…:) thank you…

    You said…”there are other ways to satisfy that desire, that don’t require all imaginings to be acted out.”…I feel curious, would you be willing to share these “other ways” with us? 😉

    I am always about learning…:)

    warm hugs,



  350.  #350light heart on December 13, 2011 at 7:17 am

    LOL, I was just about to hide my profile on a dating site, but was musing to keep it open because I wanted to hear from this one man, and I visualized his face, and i just got a notice that he sent a message…yay!

    🙂
    light heart



  351.  #351light heart on December 13, 2011 at 7:26 am

    346 VW
    I feel curious, would you be willing to share these “other ways” with us? 😉

    I am always about learning…:)

    🙂
    well, thanks for asking, VW, that is a huge topic, but, for starters, let’s say you’re in an exclusive relationship, maybe even married, and want to be monogamous, but still like the idea of variety and open relationship. open rel seems too complicated for me, so, it would be thrilling enough to watch some tasteful erotica with my man, flirt together with other people at parties or whatever, and then take this energy ‘home’ to share between us, fueling our own relationship, without having to bring it down to the physical level of actually doing it. For me, that works, not saying it would for everyone. I like to concentrate my all my love, attention and energy on one relationship at a time. I don’t consider the CD dating to be relationships, they are dating.

    What do you think?

    🙂
    light heart



  352.  #352Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 7:34 am

    342 thanks Mel for your comment about texting…
    I prefer to talk on the phone because texting can be so cumbersome for me (I don’t have a smartphone) and it feels better to me to hear a person’s voice and communicate that way.

    Haha I said I hate talking to men on the phone but really it was more about talking to new people/men on the phone when I don’t know them yet…I feel nervous and akward! In general though, I do prefer the phone versus text. To me, it feels more personal. My comment was more about feeling nervous.



  353.  #353Mel on December 13, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Emerson:

    Gotcha! 🙂

    How have you been doing? I feel a little disconnected lately as I haven’t had a ton of time to check out the blog.



  354.  #354VW on December 13, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Light heart:

    Of course, that feels wonderful…:) Having a partner willing to do it with you would be great…:) I can see it as a good way to spike up the vibe of a long term relationship…

    Hmm…in the beginning though, I don’t think I would like that…I want all his eyes on me…:)

    warm hugs,



  355.  #355light heart on December 13, 2011 at 7:47 am

    “Hmm…in the beginning though, I don’t think I would like that…I want all his eyes on me…:) ”

    I feel total agreement with that!

    I told that guy I didn’t think I was going to
    be acting out anything anytime soon, and
    never heard from him again. It’s just
    as well.

    In this whole dating world, and in general,
    I really take to heart the advice:

    ‘Rejection is the universe’s way of
    sparing you from some thing or
    experience’

    (but, of course, the ego doesn’t usually
    see it that way and usually over-complicates
    everything 😉

    warm hugs back

    🙂

    light heart



  356.  #356Mel on December 13, 2011 at 7:59 am

    I wanted to share something kinda funny, yet also made me feel proud of myself and thankful for Rori.

    Yesterday, I met with my friend with BEEnefits. I haven’t seen him in a month or so (we’ve both been busy) so it was really great to catch-up.

    He told me that I seem so much stronger and confident than when we first met in the summer. He said he can tell that I value myself and know my worth.

    He also said: “Don’t lose that Mel. A guy will work like crazy for a girl who knows her worth. Too many girls just give that up to any guy that pays her some attention, but the truth is, we LIKE the challenge of making you ‘ours.’ ”

    LOVE it!!!! 🙂

    I also commented on something with an “I feel…” (I don’t even remember what) and he said… “I hope you know that you’re really different than most women. You’re really special Mel. I don’t even think you realize how much. I hope Mr. A knows it though!” I told him that he does. He said he was truly happy for me because I deserve the best.

    I felt so appreciated and loved and seen and understood by my bee friend. And in that moment, I felt so grateful to Rori for helping be become a little baby siren.

    Hugs!
    Mel



  357.  #357Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 8:00 am

    350 Hi Mel!
    Yes me too…I’m a lil behind on catching up with the blog…but it’s nice to see your name…

    How is the architect?

    I am doing fine…feeling a lil discouraged atm due to some duds I’ve met lately but I know that’s the wrong attitude…but it is true. DUDS. blech.

    Hmmm
    Why am I attracting this??

    I want to shift and not attract chaotic people, i want to attract stable reliable men who are sexy and fun. yes!



  358.  #358Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Second time in a week that I’ve had a nightmare about not being able to find/forgetting my work uniform and feeling totally unprepared and this worry of “getting in trouble” and losing everything as a result….eeeeek



  359.  #359Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Mel I feel so proud of you.

    I read Emerson’s 355 about uniform and realized that I have not seen R.N. Amazing post in a while. I wonder what happened with her?

    Also thought of turquoise when I saw Boomer posting. I hope these ladies are doing well.



  360.  #360VW on December 13, 2011 at 8:07 am

    I think being single is an awesome opportunity to explore who we really are…

    Having explored things, I know I would not want to share my man in a threesome…:( or I would not want a swing type experience either…and these are on my list of “dont want”…i turned them around to :

    “i want to feel alive and new to my man each and every day”
    “i want to experience excitement and enchantment in my connection with my man while in a monogamous relationship”
    ……………….



  361.  #361Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Reading about the texting/phone preferences/hating I remember CCarter’s aaahhhh women and contradictions. I guess it is the reason why it is best to allow men to just do what they do and be who they are and if it doesn’t feel to good to us to just remove ourselves from that situation. I guess it goes back to self abandonment and self care



  362.  #362Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Hi FW yes I was thinking about RN Amazing the other day too! And alias girl lol completely disappeared. Hope all is well with them.



  363.  #363Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 8:11 am

    358 FW I don’t really follow what you’re saying but I’d like to understand…



  364.  #364Emerson on December 13, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Yes it’s true to let them be who they are and do what they do…and remove ourselves, but I think it’s ok to communicate what we don’t want…and they can react however they want…

    I don’t know I’m just feeling really frustrated.



  365.  #365Mel on December 13, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Hey Emerson,

    Architect is great! 🙂 Things feel so intense, yet easy and relaxed with him. On his weeks without the kids, he seems to want to see me ALL the time. Last week, I practically lived at his place.

    Then the “off” weeks come and I can feel that pining feeling, but I’m getting much better at refocusing and taking care of myself. I actually have a really full week planned. Out last night with BEEnefits, going to a gala opening on Wed with a friend, Friday night going to a fun performance, mixed-in there I will be at the gym, working on my future goals, Christmas shopping… whew!

    I’m going to choose to feel happy regardless of whether he is in front of me or not. And honestly, the passion that happens when we do see each other after a while has passed is amazing, so I’ll just look forward to that!

    ________

    “I want to shift and not attract chaotic people, i want to attract stable reliable men who are sexy and fun.”

    Do you think of yourself as stable, reliable, sexy and fun? I find I tend to attract the mirror image of my perceived self. Just a thought….



  366.  #366Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 8:21 am

    I’m feeling so disconnected emotionally from my boyfriend and I’m having a hard time creating connection.

    That makes me feel closed off, not wanting to communicate, and blah when he calls (which happens twice a day). He calls to say nothing. And I don’t feel like sharing anymore.

    On the other hand, I feel taken care of. But that is not enough.

    I feel sad.

    And I feel a little angry that I’m exclusive. But I don’t want to date right now.



  367.  #367Mochaberri on December 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

    @dottie -231 – I feel sad when reading your story. And you have found a great blog to help you through this. The women here are awesome and Rori is the greatest!!! The first thing I want to bring attention to is your statement – He is extremely good looking + i always thought he was a little out of my league

    Why did you feel this?

    Second, you say: When my marriage ended, this school friend + i made contact and started seeing each other as ‘friends with benefits’. Fast forward a year and we are still seeing each other but on a totally different level. He feels like my boyfriend and he has told me a couple of times that he loves me (i love him a lot). At times he really pulls back from me and i get confused with how i fit in to his life??

    What is this new level? Did the discussion take place to be in a committed exclusive relationship or it was just assumed?

    Another statement you made: I have found explicit texts on his phone before from ex girlfriends, when i confronted him he said it eas just flirting and meant nothing. I dont believe he has cheated. He is incredibly distrustful of me and hates the fact that i have male friends who i speak/ text with (all these friends are platonic).

    Snooping and not having trust in each other can be a problem in the long run. This can be healed with work on yourself

    Finally you stated: Sometimes he talks about the future, other times he says i am not his girlfriend and that we are just seeing each other.
    I tried pulling back a bit and he really didnt like it, accused me of being with other men. I told him i would give him some space to decide what he wants but he says he doesnt want space from???

    When he says things like you’re not his girlfriend – you can say “Wow, that feels really awful to hear or whatever it is that you’re feeling when you hear that. And use this as an opportunity to ask him how he feels about you and your relationship – (can I get some help from another Siren with the no gf speech and what else can be done). Another thing that maybe you can do is get into yourself and decide what you want – what is your happily ever after. You mentioned that your marriage ended. Was this guy someone to have fun with while dealing with just getting out of a marriage and your feelings shifted or are you truly ready to get back into another relationship. When you told him that you were giving him space you were telling him that you want to control the dynamics of the relationship and that’s boy energy. And believe me I know how you feel and why you felt it was necessary to offer space but he didn’t ask for it. What you have to do is lean back and get into your feminine energy – sounds easy right? I’m here to tell you that it’s a bit hard but achievable. The giving space or leaning back really is for you and you can also ask him what he feels about your giving him space and why it bothers him. He may be a bit controlling and I feel that by asking these questions you will find that out.



  368.  #368Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 8:26 am

    353: Mel

    That feels nice to read! Thank you!



  369.  #369Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 8:30 am

    352: light heart

    ‘Rejection is the universe’s way of
    sparing you from some thing or
    experience’

    Thank you. This helps dealings with bad feelings around rejection.



  370.  #370Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Hi Dottie. It sounds to me like you could benefit from getting to know yourself intimately and staying connected to yourself and your feelings. Maybe the issue in your relationship is the exclusivity without the responsibility on his part. I would encourage you to get very clear on what you want from a relationship and then go out and create that for yourself. He might be pushing and pulling based on what he might be sensing going on inside you. Maybe if you transform yourself the relationship could be transformed. What do you think?



  371.  #371lk on December 13, 2011 at 8:35 am

    @Lightheart & @VW

    I am intrigued & inspired by your conversation.

    I also used to be a Good Girl – so sugar sweet – around men but I always had a Bad edge that was very Boy for me & used to build walls between myself & men, like to keep me safe by de-sexualizing. also, viewed my sexual worth as primarily defined by my vxrginity, inexperience & fidelity.

    then i kind of went all Bad : ) because i had so many male friends, it began to feel safe to let my dark edge out as a weapon of seduction – i went to a strxp club with a group of male friends, i kissed strangers, i danced onstage at concerts… i bought sxx toys & used handcuffs on my boyfriend very frequently : ) ….

    still, though, fidelity in relationships is extremely extremely important to me, & though much of the Bad exploration happened while i was in an exclusive dating relationship, i never transgressed the boundaries that made me feel comfortable & safe & happy.

    now, i feel admiration when i see those women who are so wildly lovely. i don’t really ever feel jealousy…. just little pangs, but then followed by warm waves of love for the women, the beautiful powerful women



  372.  #372Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 8:41 am

    I’m feeling disconnected.

    I prefer that you would call me when you have more time to talk and not when you are driving or ready to go to bed.

    I feel rushed and I feel closed off. I feel distant.

    I don’t know if that is the reason, though….

    What else is it that I’m feeling?

    Finding it difficult to access feelings…



  373.  #373Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Now I feel like kissing him. What ????



  374.  #374Mel on December 13, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Izzy,

    I don’t want you to accept crumbs, so if you truly feel that you are… please disregard what I’m about to say next.

    I wonder if you can re-frame things a bit? Is your boyfriend super busy? Perhaps he thinks about you throughout the day (lots even) but the only time he can reach out is on the drive home? Can you choose to think that you are in his thoughts even if you are not able to connect as much as you would like? Can you express appreciation when he does call you? Guys really will bend-over backwards to do things that make us happy. They like to succeed with us.



  375.  #375lk on December 13, 2011 at 8:54 am

    my friend keeps wanting me to call CDcd because she can tell i like him. i want him to call me though or contact me.

    i have half-day off tomorrow for the holidays & it would feel nice to see CD. he could come pick me up near my work, but the plan would have to be made today so i could bring clothes & stuff for work thursday…

    my friend kept trying to convince. finally she said, well i guess he’ll just have to contact you. let’s visualize it happening & then it will happen : ) she’s nice : ) so i showed her what it looks like when he sends me an email LOL so she can help me visualize it : )

    i realize i’m feeling scared to hear from him & scared to see him again because of the amazing ridiculous intensity of last time…

    i know i could call him, just to say hi & not all lean-y about making a plan. but i really want us both to feel safe & it wouldn’t be safe or authentic feeling for me to call him right now. later ? maybe. i don’t think so though : ) he’s really cool. so am i : ) i bet kissing him would feel amazing



  376.  #376lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:03 am

    i want to learn a better way to make mistakes.

    i know that sounds silly… but when i make mistakes in front of a man… i usually say, “aww i feel sad that i did that… now this is a little bit wrong feeling to me… ohhh i would have wanted to do it this way & next time i will but now i feel sad & guilty : ( ” & then the men treat me like a baby because i’m acting like a baby, then i get a little defensive because of condescension… then i get a little mad, like, “yes, well the REASON i made the mistake is this & so yes i will kind of take responsibility for my error, but i’d like to distribute the bad feelings a little more evenly around this room” lol

    so…. what about you ladies ? what do you say or do when you break something or spill something or burn something or lose something ???

    i remember the story about Rori in the kitchen…

    maybe it’s just saying, “awwww, i feel sad that happened.. ” then saying nothing else like blaming.

    i don’t like to blame others, so why would i blame myself?



  377.  #377lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:07 am

    good random reminder from an advice website interview with a reader:

    6. What’s the best relationship advice you’ve ever been given?

    Wait until he’s fully committed before giving him the whole “wife package.” My family was right, but for the wrong reasons. For them, it is a moral issue. In reality, it turns out that men just decide not to commit if you give them too much too soon.

    7. What’s the best relationship lesson you’ve ever learned?

    I will never again move in with a man who has not put a ring on my finger.



  378.  #378Starla on December 13, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Morning:)

    I am feel stir crazy locked up today. I want to be in a rainforest, somewhere on the other side of the world. I wonder what Thailand smells like.



  379.  #379Rori Raye on December 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

    lk – yes – take 100% responsibility. OWN everything that happens, no matter who did what. I even own the state of the world as if it’s the state of my mind. AND place NO blame. There ISN’T any blame to place! Things just ARE. What IS is. Go from there. Change starts from inside us, each of us, and forgiveness is a great tool if you find yourself going to blame of you or anyone…and – to go really esoteric – if there’s nothing to blame, there’s nothing to forgive – except perhaps the idea in our heads that there could ever be anything to blame…Love, Rori



  380.  #380Starla on December 13, 2011 at 9:16 am

    lk, when i goof i say “ohh i feel like such a goober” or “ohhh i feel ridiculous” or “embarrassed”

    it feels gentler on myself but doesn’t just stuff the feeling of regret that i made a mistake.



  381.  #381lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:17 am

    how does it look for me to be the queen – disrobed & unarmed, hair unpinned, lying beside the strong body of the lion, no need for defenses or action because of the male protector at her side – the manes blend together – the sun is shining & just a gentle breeze comes off the water to whisper beautiful poetry into the ears of all the flowers

    of course she’s not going to get up & call CD ! lol

    nice, lk – that’s a great image to be channeling



  382.  #382lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:18 am

    thanks starla!!! i like the feeling of saying “embarrassed” or “ridiculous” more than “Sad” which i think is what i say a lot. sad is like something bad happened. silly, embarrassed or ridiculous is like just oh, that’s not quite what i wanted to do : )



  383.  #383lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:20 am

    @Rori

    “OWN everything that happens, no matter who did what. I even own the state of the world as if it’s the state of my mind. AND place NO blame. ”

    wow, that feels amazing to read ! that’s really really good & inspiring & opening

    i have been practicing that in some ways, but the way you said it shows me that i can go deeper with it & feel even more at peace with it : )

    thank you!



  384.  #384Laughing Goddess on December 13, 2011 at 9:32 am

    From Rori….love this

    Marriage is not “the” Happy Ever After for everyone. Sometimes living together, owning a home or a boat together, traveling together – is plenty.

    Don’t let images of what other people want color your desires – feel how it feels to be with him, and what you’d need to make it the whole package for you. 9 months is a long time – but not so long that he’s dragging his feet here. If he says he’ll never marry – believe him. See how you feel about that. (Things could shift – but I don’t want you to put any of your eggs into that basket in the meantime.)

    The main problem is the need to have a discussion about what your relationship IS – not what it ISN’T.

    Yes, it isn’t marriage-bound at the moment – but how about you ask him simply what he sees? Does he see you living in the same house? Traveling together? Or does he just like things the way they are? He lives where he lives, you live where you live, and you see each other often?

    And – before you even get into the future – how about the NOW? Is seeing a man exclusively only on his days off enough for you? Do you long for touch and companionship on the rest of the days? After 9 months – seeing him 2 times a week, if that’s what this boils down to, perhaps simply isn’t enough for you. (It wouldn’t be for me…but it might be PERFECT for another woman, who loves having all that time to herself and then a devoted, loving boyfriend and sex twice a week.)



  385.  #385lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

    forgot 1 thing about the weekend.

    i said earlier that CD was an owl. he talked about seeing an owl when we first arrived & then there is an owl hung in his house with his country on it. i felt curious & asked him, what do you think your animal is ? he said he didn’t know… i said, whatever you think of, that’s probably a big one for you, & he started talking about hummingbirds – not like pretty little things either, like how sharp their beaks are & how fast they are & how they can dive : ) yes, birds i love birds

    & also i saw his binoculars & he told me he birdwatches lol i feel like a clairvoyant witch genius



  386.  #386lk on December 13, 2011 at 9:36 am

    @laughing goddess

    thanks & yes, by posting that other thing i’m not really thinking about “marriage” or “wedding” or “ring” i’m just thinking of commitment & close feelings that are happy : )

    i’m not sure if i’m a wedding/marriage woman. i suppose i don’t care much & i’ll just do what feels good : )

    i liked your ideas of what you & your Sweetie think that long term love can look like & also that you are not afraid to share openly your questions about some pictures of that love that get shown around & adopted like religion : )

    lots of smiles : ) i feel smiley : )



  387.  #387Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Ask your inner child questions such as, “What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious (or depressed, angry, shamed, and so on)?” “Are you angry at me?” “How do you feel when I give you junk food (or drugs, or alcohol, or spend money, etc) when you are feeling lonely, hurt, bored, anxious, depressed or angry?” “What are you really wanting from me when you are feeling badly?” “How am I abandoning you? Am I making others responsible for you? Am I judging you? Am I ignoring your feelings and needs? Am numbing you out with substances or activities?”
    Remember, no feelings are ever wrong or bad. All the feelings you have are for good reasons, and by using Step Three’s dialogue process gently, with great compassion, you will be able to discover the information these feelings are trying to tell you.

    In Step Three you explore – with love, compassion and curiosity – not only your feelings, but also whatever related false beliefs, behaviors and memories you might have. For some people, using a doll or stuffed animal acting as a surrogate Inner Child is very helpful; you can hold this surrogate child and bring yourself comfort when painful feelings come up. It is best to dialogue out loud or in writing. Both speaking out loud and writing slows the process down so you can hear it.
    The following is a very brief example. In this example, a woman in one of my intensives has decided to work with me, but she feels very anxious.

    Adult: What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious?

    Child: You are telling me that I have to do this right, and I don’t know how. You are telling me that if I don’t do it right, others will judge me and I will be rejected.

    Adult: Yes, I have been telling you that. How do you feel when I tell you this?

    Child: I feel like you won’t like me unless I do everything right and prove that I am worthy. I always feel I have to prove that I’m okay to you and everyone else. You keep telling me not to make a fool out of myself.

    Adult: So, of course, you feel anxious. Wow! I tell myself these things a lot, and I always thought my anxiety was coming from other people. I’m the one who is causing it!

    Innerbonding



  388.  #388Starla on December 13, 2011 at 9:44 am

    CF keeps blurting out that he loves me, in context.

    Like, “omg i love you so much” when he’s discovering my CD collection is filled with every album by one of his favorite bands.

    or “i just love everything about you, head to toe.”

    or commenting on some quirk of mine “it’s just another thing to love about you”

    then he gets this look on his face, like “oops” and then “did that sound creepy?” and then “i don’t care” hahahaha



  389.  #389Laughing Goddess on December 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Finding some good Rori gems to remind me that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Thank you Rori 🙂

    It doesn’t matter what other people think, it doesn’t matter what our family thinks, it doesn’t matter what your “brain” thinks – what matters is that you feel “met” emotionally, that your physical, emotional, psychological, romantic needs are being filled enough so that you feel a constant sense of well being and contentment and comfort when you’re around a man and when you aren’t.

    FEELING loved – and TRUSTING you are loved is where it’s at – and when you’re feeling that – you can speak to a man so directly and truthfully and emotionally authentic that he will change what he needs to in order to make you happy. Period.

    So …look for that. Look for your feelings, not for what a man is like on paper.



  390.  #390Laughing Goddess on December 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

    lK, thanks for clarifying that.

    I did feel triggered when I read what you posted. Not because of you at all, just because I haven’t yet fully OWNED what I want, so when I read things that contradict it, I feel scared and worried that I am doing something wrong.

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I just need to own it, to accept that this is what I want and not look back.

    I just want to invent something new that works for me.

    It looks a lot like marriage is some ways. Living together, building a life together, having children together, sexual exclusivity

    yet I don’t want to make a lifelong commitment to anyone other than myself and my heart.

    And I don’t feel bad when other people talk of wanting marriage, I just don’t want to be made wrong for not wanting it.

    I want to OWN it and feel good about it.

    I feel excited to feel that way. I feel it coming closer and closer



  391.  #391Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 10:05 am

    I could be making him wrong…. I will try to stop myself in situations that I think I could be making him wrong. I’m not sure though. But I will experiment and see if things change.



  392.  #392light heart on December 13, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Rori @ 379

    oh yes, that’s a very big heart opener,
    there is nothing to forgive in the
    first place…there is only ‘what is’ and
    then there’s your story about it.
    also reminds of BK…very powerful work

    I don’t have to blame myself for wanting
    what I want, after all, I know what’s
    best for me, and I don’t have to blame
    another for not being able to provide it,

    ‘this man should be stepping up more’
    Is that true? maybe not, because the reality
    is, he’s not. Not in the way that aligns
    with my desire.

    turn that around to ‘this man should not be
    stepping up (because he’s not)’ that’s what is.
    I should be stepping up
    (to go after what it is what i want where I
    already have the key to open the door, and
    stop trying to knock down locked doors,
    that are not ready to open)

    🙂

    light heart



  393.  #393light heart on December 13, 2011 at 10:38 am

    And here is my theme song of the day
    to remind me of my commitment to
    the opposite of self-abandoning —
    self-love, self-nurturing, self-acceptance,

    I will stand my ground, and I won’t back down
    well i know whats right, i got just one life,
    in a world that (I allow to) let push me around,
    but I’ll stand my ground (fluidly, of course)
    and I won’t back down

    I am whole and complete, as is

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YMh8orMNqc

    🙂

    light heart



  394.  #394Laughing Goddess on December 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I’m getting that this isn’t about what is right or wrong, it’s about owning what I want. It’s about being truly clear and embracing it.

    And I have been open to the possibility that maybe I do really want marriage deep down and what is stopping me is an unconscious contract or vow I made in childhood.

    But…that doesn’t really feel true for me.

    Maybe that little girl that made that promise to herself was onto something.

    I’m feeling a lot of heaviness lifting from my shoulders.

    Ever since I started dating sweetie and seeing how deep our relationship is, I’ve been working through what my “ideal relationship” looks like.

    I feel close to it now. I feel movement, like I am getting somewhere.

    I just need to make a decision and own it.

    And if I decide to change my mind in the future, I can.

    I am free to do whatever I want.
    I can create the life I want
    I can create my own happily ever after.
    This feels so exciting!



  395.  #395Mel on December 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

    392 light heart:

    “I should be stepping up
    (to go after what it is I want – where I
    already have the key to open the door, and
    stop trying to knock down locked doors,
    that are not ready to open)”

    LOVE this!!! 🙂 I have been trying to embody this concept now for a few months, and I love how empowered it makes me feel to be responsible for giving myself what I want and choosing to be around people that also want to give because they want to.

    And I also love how you said that I don’t need to blame myself for wanting what I want or another for not being able to provide it.

    This makes me feel even more peaceful about my failed marriage. I don’t have to feel bad about the fact that I want someone that is emotionally and physically available. It’s simply what I want. BUT… it’s not his fault that he couldn’t provide that. We just want/need different things.

    Wow!!!



  396.  #396Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

    I’m one year older than him.

    But sometimes it feels like he is half my age.

    I feel older than my age around him.

    Like a teacher. Or a mother. arghhh!

    I feel strangely perverted to be with a man that feels like a young boy.

    I also feel frustrated. A boy doesn’t know how to please a woman.

    And I don’t want to teach.

    But I do want to explore and share.

    He found out last week that there are a lot of things he wasn’t aware of.

    I’m glad that I didn’t blame him.

    I just felt bad and shared my feelings.

    He felt bad and worried that I was feeling bad.

    Than he went to look for stuff on the internet. Just like a boy discovering women.

    I’m glad I didn’t feel judgmental. There is cuteness in his cluelessness. It feels innocent, like awwww… lol

    I also feel wickedly powerful.

    But I won’t be evil. I have been before, with ex.

    Healing that now. Don’t want that for me anymore.

    But we are not having sex for awhile.

    I feel closed off and tight. And he is taking sometime for him to learn about women. That feels strange. So very strange…

    I said I feel older, but I also feel like a teenager. Is there a new chance for me? To start over?



  397.  #397laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

    And I realize that I’ve been avoiding this marriage issue most of my life by dating unavailable men.

    Interesting!



  398.  #398Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

    He is really trying to do the right thing. He has a big heart. He is just clueless. How to deal with a clueless guy?



  399.  #399Dominique on December 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Susan – #284 – Something similar happened to me when I moved in with K. He has a drawer with all old “love letter”. I tortured myself by reading each and every one, and the words spun in my head for a very long time. I too thought that he kept these things because he still felt a connection or had feelings.

    Come to find out though very much later, he just keeps things. He likely has no clue they are even there. And even if he does, he just keeps things.

    I too have a box of old beau love letters and cards. I keep them because it’s a part of me. I feel special for having received them even though not a single one of those men mean the tiniest bit of anything to me.

    So don’t feel as though you need to rid yourself of mementos, for this is what these are. Box them up, and put them away somewhere. If you still feel the urge to throw them away after awhile, then go ahead. Maybe one of these days I’ll toss mine as well. Maybe when we go back to pack up the rest of our stuff. I’ll let you know. lol

    xxoo



  400.  #400laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

    How do you Make Others Responsible for Your Painful Feelings?
    by Margaret Paul

    We have all learned many ways of trying to avoid or get rid of our painful feelings. Many of these ways are fairly obvious: addictions to substances and activities, staying in your mind rather than in your body, or judging yourself.

    Another major way we avoid or try to get rid of our painful feelings is making others responsible for them in various ways. When we are filled with painful feelings and are not open to our Guidance to help us learn from them and release them, we might dump them on others in various ways, in an effort to release them. How do you dump your feelings onto another?

    The Alternative

    The alternative is to do Inner Bonding: opening to learning about how you are causing your wounded feelings, learning about what your core feelings are telling you about a person or a situation, bringing love and comfort inside from your spiritual Guidance, and releasing the feelings in ways that don’t hurt you or others – crying while holding your inner child, doing an anger process or being willing to release your feelings to Spirit. All of these ways of managing your feelings will create much more release then dumping them out on another.

    When you take 100% responsibility for learning to manage your own painful feelings, learning from them and releasing them in healthy ways, then you can be present with others with an open heart. You no longer need to use others to get rid of your painful feelings. When two people in a relationship are each taking responsibility for their own feelings in healthy ways, their relationship flourishes in love, passion, fun, learning, growth and joy.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2983/how-do-you-make-others-responsible-for-your-painful-feelings.html



  401.  #401Mel on December 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

    398:

    Izzy,

    My guess is that even “clueless” guys just want to make us happy. So use lots and lots of FMs each and every time he does things that make you happy. 🙂



  402.  #402laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Izzy: how to deal with clueless guys?

    I remember Rori telling me one time that it’s normal to sometimes feel smarter than a man.

    We are different and have different skills and sometimes they do seem sorta clueless.

    But we can appreciate the things they do offer, like an open heart and wanting to do the right thing and being willing to learn and grow…

    She said to just accept that sometimes I am going to feel smarter than my man.

    What do you think about that?



  403.  #403Daria on December 13, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Wow last nites impromptu CDate took such great care of me !



  404.  #404laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Dominique:

    Do you have any tips for me for owning and embracing my desire to create something other than traditional marriage for myself?

    You seem to be doing well with it. 🙂

    Thanks!



  405.  #405laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Izzy: i feel that way with my guy sometimes and then he will surprise me with his deep and natural wisdom and his kindness and devotion.



  406.  #406laughing goddess on December 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

    “I could be making him wrong…. I will try to stop myself in situations that I think I could be making him wrong. I’m not sure though. But I will experiment and see if things change.”

    I love your attitude here!

    I truly believe this is what its all about.



  407.  #407Daria on December 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I own the state of the world

    Whew

    Feels scary and overwhelming



  408.  #408Daria on December 13, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I am kinda digging these I won’t commit to a life together thoughts. I will commit to right now building a life together but if it starts feeling not good I’m outtie. Lol.

    What if he gets disabled – omg fear. Guilt that I might feel trapped.

    Pfff 🙁

    What if I could bring in a new man and he wanted me to.

    What kinda damn commitment do I make?

    Commitment to not get romantic w other men for now.

    Hmmm.

    That’s what I could actually commit to.

    But I want lifetime so I’m saying I honor you and have the impression of you as someone I could trust to bd there this lifetime.

    You better live as long as I need you to muthafuchka .

    Hmm

    He better want me for the whole lifetime and a few more, that’s the ones I’m gonna pick from.



  409.  #409lk on December 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

    @laughing goddess 402

    wow, thanks that feels freeing : )



  410.  #410R.N. AmazingMe on December 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hello Sirens I have missed you all so much!! I see some are missing or have maybe just changed their name. I have been doing ok day by day is a new day. My New Year’s Resolution is just that next year for my family is way less stressful and filled with more joy than the last:) How is everyone feels like its been forever!!



  411.  #411ulii on December 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

    One little question for more experienced sirens:

    asking for information would be leaning forward or no?? I mean if it’s initiating a conversation also..

    It’s just that Pilot CD is online and I would like to ask him if he has some information about what would be the best way to go between different airports in his home-city. The information would be for my sister. Not connected at all with my usual chatting with him.



  412.  #412light heart on December 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Here’s the curious thing, when
    JCD and I had a really good run,
    I was following the tools, and he was
    so appreciative of me, and even told
    me how I had a hold on him because
    of how I was helping him to change.
    I made him feel that I liked him and
    had confidence in him.
    At the end of the day,
    I did not feel safe that he would “be there”
    for the duration, and felt like
    i was there more for his benefit than
    for mine. Not that he didn’t help me
    at all, of course he did, but not in the most
    important ways. I gave him the benefit of the
    doubt and the time to demonstrate that
    he could honor my feelings, and make me
    feel more comfortable, but it
    didn’t happen. And THAT is when the
    frustrations started and even though I
    shared what I wanted, careful not to blame
    him for not being in that space to provide it,
    he still claimed I made him feel wrong, but he
    still wanted to hold on.
    I think that some people are always going to
    feel that way, because of their own inner
    workings, no matter how you frame it.
    People find a way to take ANYthing personally.
    I’m so glad not to be a
    prisoner to this anymore, meaning I stopped
    trying to figure out what is going on with
    him and trying to fix it. If I feel like answering a text, I will.
    He seems to still crave my support.
    I know I gave it my best shot.

    🙂

    light heart



  413.  #413Dominique on December 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    laughing goddess – Well it did take me awhile to own it for myself. I used to harbor the dream of a proposal with smiles and flowers and love spilling everywhere, and then there would be a private wedding somewhere beautiful.

    And then I realized I had the smiles and the flowers and the love spilling everywhere. I had the gorgeous ring. I had all I wanted. All that I don’t have is the paper. I realized I don’t even want the paper. It won’t change what we have or make anything better or more committed. The paper has become distasteful to me. It smacks of someones else (the state, the government) telling me what to do, how to be, how to live and love. I resist this big time.

    Interestingly we both would like to eventually move to a state where common law is recognized though this is more to protect either one of us legally. The state/government is still dictating, but somehow it feels less distasteful.

    How I got to this place though took some time. It was a process like anything else. It has helped that friends and family don’t judge or even ask when/if we are getting married.

    If there are those who ask these questions, you simply say the questions feel bad. And you don’t feel the need or desire to have a “traditional relationship” (whatever that is). You feel happy, and that’s all that’s important.

    If the struggle is within yourself, maybe think about how I processed this. It really just developed on its own. When I let go of expectations and began to truly be in the moment with K, love and appreciate all the that he is to me, what he does, how he is with me, his love, his care, the other stuff faded away entirely.

    I hope this helps.

    xxoo



  414.  #414lk on December 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    so funny when i said, that’s weird you don’t change the clocks & just leave them wrong. he just goes, why ? lol, i have no idea why. i guess clocks just aren’t important to you : ) that feels nice : )

    had my performance meeting with bossman. for the past few days, i’ve been practicing the idea of accepting criticism as just someone else’s ideas or perceptions & i was so surprised that when i saw the lowest score he gave me in one area, i felt happy ! i agreed with him & i told him, “that feels nice that you see that as well & also that you are willing to talk to me about it & help me to improve” & also i was able to share with him exactly all my ideas & he invited me to really step up, & said yes that i can go to some shows to learn more : ))))) yayyyyyy baby lk did it !

    also, feels reassuring that i can improve because the area i scored highest in is actually the thing i’ve been struggling with my whole life !!! eek, good job, baby!



  415.  #415light heart on December 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    haha he just texted me, he’s a bit psychic,
    perhaps he feels some walls tumbling
    down…
    🙂



  416.  #416Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    397: laughing goddess

    Me too! I have been with available men, but I sabotage it. I always have on foot in and another foot out of the relationship.

    And I have been single for a looooong time. I had one relationship that lasted a year and another one that lasted 3.5 years.

    The interesting thing is I feel more capable of opening up when the man is not available.

    The one time I really opened up was with a guy I knew it wouldn’t work due to distance. We were distant physically but close emotionally. And when we were together we had the best sex. He wanted to marry me, but I didn’t.

    I could never be that open and vulnerable to someone that I could be with in person in a regular basis.

    Lots of stuff to heal here… I have felt shame of myself for being like this. I felt clumsy, strange, different, wrong, I felt like hiding. I didn’t want anyone to see me. But at the same time I wanted to be known by at least one person. My long distance guy was this person for me for awhile.

    I just feel upset that I take so long to accomplish a small change… I feel inferior, unsuccessful.

    I feel glad that feelings are starting to come up now. I wasn’t being able to reach for them.

    I want to heal so I can be all I can be.

    What is that?

    Powerful, abundant, wise, balanced, calm, serene, soft.

    I can start with soft and the rest will follow. Right?



  417.  #417Daria on December 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    ulii – go ahead and ask! asking for help is feminine



  418.  #418lk on December 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    i don’t really know what “tapping” is that people talk about on here because i forget to look it up or maybe i’m afraid to.

    i always have tapped on my chest to help me breathe when i get nervous & recently i’ve been tapping on myself when i get hurt to see what’s going on & i get a lot of info. that’s how i fixed my foot ! that was cool, by the way : ) my foot looked horrible & super swollen & weird & 24 hours later, no pain at all, very little swelling, just the really big bruise left, but even that didn’t hurt much – & i was walking on it, dancing on it, & playing soccer on it while it was healing ! : )

    just now i tried tapping on my headache & i got that i have a fearful belief that any man i like will get scared & run away from the intensity OR that they will get bored once i sleep with them… weird, because that actually hasn’t been my experience, but it’s the thing that gets me all sensitive & overfunctioning after intimacy. weird that i’m feeling that now, because CD & i haven’t even kissed on the mouth, just cuddled & he’s given some face kisses to me. yet we did “sleep” together – though i don’t think either of us slept much – we did share a bed all night & cuddled all night. gah i crave him.

    there is the *thinking* that i have to hurry so i don’t lose him, but there is the *knowledge* that slow feels really good & safe

    i don’t want to jump in & change the plans he’s made in his head for us. i just want to see what they are & see if they feel good as he suggests them & offers whatever he wants to give me



  419.  #419light heart on December 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Mel,
    It makes me feel good that you are
    eliminating toxic guilt,blame and shame
    from your life, after what happened
    to your marriage, and you sound very
    vibrant and happy! Good going,
    empowered lady!

    🙂
    light heart



  420.  #420Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm


  421.  #421Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    401: Mel

    He does want to make me happy. But sometimes I feel really sad and closed off, even though I know he wants to make me happy. It is just that sometimes he doesn’t. And then I feel all closed off and distant and having a hard time reaching for feeling to use in feeling messages. I feel like shutting him down and not talking to him. I get pretty radical. I used to be worse, so I did evolve a bit. I’m not blaming or judging and I feel proud of myself for that. And he also told me this is the calmer relationship he has ever had. His ex was crazy jealous.



  422.  #422R.N. AmazingMe on December 13, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    You sirens are having awesome convo and it’s inspiring! Ulli I am an experienced siren and give advice better than I take it. I can give my personal feeling on it and u can do what u wish. For I will admit I practice being a siren a lot but am still single
    🙂

    I think if you are on good terms and not looking for an outcome like not just trying to contact him just to contact him…GO FOR IT. Leaning forward initiating convo but its a question that possibly he may be your best advice. If he sees that he would be a smart man and not be leaned back.



  423.  #423Daria on December 13, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    i feel scared of thsi CD he did Everything for me

    i felt good and also

    i could get attracted to him tho i wasnt right off the bat

    love to me

    and i feel scared i feel like running away

    ack!



  424.  #424Izzy on December 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    402: laughing goddess

    I can accept that.

    I’m finding it hard it triggers me. I feel cold like stone. And still, he keeps calling and coming back and being worried. Then I feel better. But later it all starts again…

    He just called me and it felt better after writing in here. It felt a lot better. Wow, I feel relieved.

    Thank you.



  425.  #425Femininewoman on December 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Izzy how about using I am feeling uptight and sometiems I don’t even know why



  426.  #426Dominique on December 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    laughing goddess – I also want to be clear that I’m not against marriage. As many women do, I delight in the pretty dress and the party and all the fun and goodwill found at weddings.

    AND more importantly I completely understand how for some, the ceremony carries deep meaning, makes the commitment feel real and true.

    And if K suddenly changed his mind and wanted to do it, I certainly wouldn’t say no. I don’t see this happening, but you never know.

    Everyone is different. For me what I have exactly as it is is exactly what I want. I couldn’t feel more loved and more safe and more trusting and trusted; I couldn’t feel more commitment. This is me though.

    You create the relationship that feels the best to YOU. And it may change over time. This is perfectly okay.

    xxoo



  427.  #427Dominique on December 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Izzy – How about really, really loving and appreciating what it is he does give you. The more you can sink into the good feeling stuff and telling him how good it feels when he………….the more of this you will get.

    In time you will be receiving almost if not everything you want.

    The one foot in and one foot out is fear, but you seem to know this. That you are aware of your past patterns is a huge part of changing them. You already are well on your way.

    I understand it seems like forever. It took me forever too, years, so you are not alone.

    xxoo



  428.  #428R.N. AmazingMe on December 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    You know with all the chaos in my life I think it has made me stronger and more in tune to who I am and what I want out of life and in a relationship. I am speaking to a new man he seems great no red flags yet but am texting back and forth and he wants to meet but we are an hour apart. My car is old just waiting to get income tax or when it dies whichever comes first. So he would have to come here and he said if he comes here I have to take him out??? Does that mean I am paying because this is my problem i have none at momet maybe 15 bucks for myself so what do I say???HELPPP



  429.  #429Mel on December 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Izzy,

    This was a really hard thing for me to recognize in myself, and it may not be the case with you at all but I just thought I’d mention it in case it resonates…

    I think, sometimes, I tried to make him responsible for my happiness; rather than take care of myself. Of course a man should bring MORE happiness into my life… otherwise what’s the point? But that base-level of happiness is up to me.



  430.  #430Daria on December 13, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    ragh felt so good and then tensed up and triggered with fuchkin NohCD on the phone garrh



  431.  #431Daria on December 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Amazing ME – say haha 🙂 i don’t feel comfortable paying for a man… it would feel lovely to meet you



  432.  #432Daria on December 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    he is joking/flirting with you



  433.  #433R.N. AmazingMe on December 13, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Ok I said i understand where you are coming from but at this time I am just financially not able to do that and he said ok….so i am like okkkkkk. I said well maybe if you come and you treat next time I try to get over there but even if he comes here next time i treat. This may of been a leaning forward thing but I guess I am old school you wanna see me come see me take me out and when we go out again I treat but unspoken word u know…this must be wrong to think this way?? Daria can u help a girl out..Please@!



  434.  #434light heart on December 13, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    I will feel conflict about whether or not
    a man is right for me, or have one foot in
    one foot out of any given relationship,
    because I am not the right
    woman for me. When i become the
    ‘right’ woman, real, authentic, standing in
    my full power, not making myself small
    in order to be accepted by the man, then
    I will know who the right man is.

    adapted from the Virginia Feingold Clark
    interview

    🙂
    light heart



  435.  #435R.N. AmazingMe on December 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    So after I said that he said it was not fair as I said it was. He said if I came there he would definately take me out….Then it made me feel bad…Then he said to drive for 1 hour for a meet and greet and I take someone out in thier town he explains he is not comfy with that!…..ADVICE PLEASE this is going bad



  436.  #436Daria on December 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm