Tired Of Being A Friend? Turn Up The Heat!

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Here’s a great guest post from Shana James – she and her business partner Alexis Shepperd at AuthenticWomenExperience.com are my fantastic January interviewees on my Interview Series With Relationship Experts:

Have you been stuck in the “Friend Zone?” You probably know what I mean, but let me paint a picture:

You have men in your life, some of them very attractive, but they don’t even try to ask you out. They’ll take you out for a beer, and then talk about the gorgeous co-worker they have their eye on. They come to you for dating advice, but not for a date. You’re cute, funny, and down-to-earth, so what’s the deal?

Believe me, I know the feeling. Years ago, I was “The Friend.” I spent lots of time with men – actually, I always had more male friends than girlfriends – but that’s just it: they always remained friends.

Sometimes it seemed like all the cute men in my life were looking over my shoulder, at some woman across the room. I wanted to wave my hands in front of them and say, “Hello-o, I’m here too,” but that would have been mortifying.

I hated feeling sexually invisible. Until, that is, I started focusing a bit more on my own sensuality. When I did, like magic, male friends started looking at me differently. They were noticing me. A few of them even began to act nervous around me.

Suddenly I felt radiant, powerful, sexy. And I was asked out on a lot more dates. Male friends who never seemed to regard me as anything except a buddy started asking me out.

I quickly found out that many of my friends hadn’t really put me in the “friend” category on purpose – and it didn’t take long to get out of the friend category!

So how do you make sure you’re noticed for your sexiness, your charm, your beauty – as well as your incredible conversation skills? Here are some ideas to get you started down the path towards a new, sexy, irresistible you:

1. Heat Things Up… And Not Just In the Bedroom!

The first step is to realize that chemistry starts in your body more than in your brain. Sure, good conversation can add to a feeling of chemistry during a fun date, but it’s not usually where it starts.

Your body is an instrument of pleasure. It can bring you intense feelings of ecstasy, and if you pay attention, it can bring you moments of sensuality when you least expect it.

Start enjoying your body – for how it looks, how it feels, how it moves you through the world. Pay attention to the way your hips sway when you walk, how your hand feels on your thigh when you’re sitting at a table.

Tap into the pleasure that lives in your body during each moment. Once you start paying attention and enjoying your body, soon you won’t be the only one!

2. Move From Self-Conscious to Self-Aware

Are you always worried about how you look? Do you change your personality just a little to make sure your crush or date still likes you? Are you concerned about what you sound like when you talk to the cute guy at work?

Start putting less value on how you appear to men, and start shifting your energy towards enjoying yourself in the moment. What do you feel like doing? Maybe you want to take a long hot bath, or stroll through a cute neighborhood.

Shifting your gaze from your perceived faults to your wants and needs is one of the fastest ways to become less self-conscious – and more self-confident.

3. Be the Sexy, Fun Woman You Are – Not Just One of the Guys

Re-discovering your feminine side is key when it comes to getting out of the “Friend Zone.” Start celebrating your womanliness, your softer and more sensual side.

Go ahead – allow guys to open the door for you. Graciously accept chivalrous behavior and let the guys in your life be gentlemen. Don’t insist on always being entirely self-sufficient or perfectly “together.”

Allow your desires and enjoy your emotional side. Discover what being a woman truly means for you and have fun with it. Next time you’re invited to go to dinner with some male friends, wear your favorite dress. Look and feel sexy, flirty, in a way that feels good to you! Chances are, you won’t be “one of the guys” for long!

4. Get a Little Help From Your (Girl) Friends

Introduce your single girlfriends to some of your single guy friends – and ask them to do the same for you. Set up a fun night where you can all get together in a low-key setting, at your favorite bar or café. Give everyone – including yourself – an opportunity to have good flirty fun.

If you live in the Bay Area, we want to do this with you! Our February night out is a “Man Swap,” where you can meet some potential suitors and have a fun night on the town.

Bring one of your great single guy friends- a man who is a real catch but just not right for you. You can bring your girlfriends too, but make sure they all bring a cute single man too.

This will be the perfect opportunity to relax and unwind with other incredible people and, if you want to, you can heat things up a little bit too! Hope to see you there!

From Rori: Go take a look at Shana and Alexis at www.AuthenticWomanExperience.com, get their free report and help, watch their videos – and if you’re in the Bay Area and you get to work with them in person, be sure to report back to us how it went for you!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Just a few days ago I let go of one that was stuck in the friend zone and acting like we were in a relationship calling me sweetie pie and all.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 7:07 am

    “Until, that is, I started focusing a bit more on my own sensuality.”
    I can truly say this works. I tried it in the office and someone who doesn’t normally look at me was doing it to the point that another guy called him out on it.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 7:13 am

    “Your body is an instrument of pleasure. It can bring you intense feelings of ecstasy, and if you pay attention, it can bring you moments of sensuality when you least expect it”.

    I really like this comment as I never really thought of it that way. I will definitely put that into practice as I always had this belief somewhere in my unconscious that it was for someone else’s pleasure, not mine.

  4.  #4Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 7:14 am

    I have to say this post is a double WOW. Thanks again Rori for a great one and great resource.

  5.  #5Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 7:14 am

    I have to say this post is a double WOW. Thanks again Rori for a great one and great resource.

  6.  #6Mercedes on January 5, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Wow! Cool post. I know a lot of women who are not aware of their own beauty (inside or out). When I ask, they fein comfidence and say they know, but…they’re not really AWARE. If they were, when I compliment they would say “thank you” instead of putting themselves down. I like this post a lot…because I want all women to be aware of what they have and who they are.

    Thanks Shana (and Rori for inviting her)…good stuff

    Much Love,

  7.  #7Femenergylove on January 5, 2011 at 10:29 am

    remembering to just enjoy the moment is hard for me.so i got a bracelet that helps remind me to live int he lovely sensual moment.and not worry about what he is thinking,or how i should act,or how to keep him interested.Good post 🙂

  8.  #8marina on January 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Hello dear Sirens,

    Fresh new thread, yippie!
    Looooove this post.

    I am starting to notice my body again and to discover my feminine side, and that feels good 🙂

    I am starting to like wearing feminine clothes (hello cute dresses!) and soft, silky, beautiful fabrics again.

    It is due to different reasons:

    The NIA dance lessons (I really feel that sports and especially dancing and yoga and the like) are a great way to be more aware of my body and to make it feel good to be in my body (hmm, is that understandable?)
    It feels like a great way to take care of my body.

    My month off from work made it easier to get out of my head and back to my feelings and to my body. (And even now that I am back to working 50%, I have the intention to be aware of my feelings and my body and to listen to both.)

    My intention to open my heart to anybody I meet.

    My intention to show myself, carry myself while I walk, to enjoy myself in any moment.

    My intention to accept and receive from any men (and to notice that they want to give), even if they just offer to sent an email for me, switch seats in the train, just give me a smile or accept my request for extra holidays (thank you mister teammanager 🙂
    ( I still catch myself saying, no thank you, I can do it myself. but I suppose being aware is the first babystep…)

    My intention to discover my feminine (girl and woman) side, to play with it and experiment with it, and to discover how others react to it.

    My intention to look at other people, to see the dynamics between other women and men.

    My intention to use my entire body for communication, sometimes even without words.

    My intention to be less self-aware and to be more open to what ever will happen.

    Last night I had sex with BF4 and it was sooooooo gooooooooood. I felt so Sireny and beautiful and sexy and playful and relaxed and horny and he seemed more like a man to me than ever before.

    Hmmmmmmm 😀

    You bet I liked it 😉


  9.  #9marina on January 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Uhm, this feels a bit weird and overwhelming.
    Oh, yes, but the irony of it all…..

    I stopped working 5 weeks ago and started again this week.

    There are many colleagues coming to me asking how am I doing and telling me that they are overworked too… Everybody has his/her own issues, some also stayed at home others kept working, some have a burn out, others lost family members or have family members that are depressed.
    (Even the lady at the health service who helps me, told me she was recently depressed. Well, she looked much better today.)

    Somehow it seems that since I am quite open about my situation (also about seeing a psychotherapist and about working through old triggers) other people start to open up as well.

    I am wondering what it means?
    I still feel guilty about not working fulltime, I think that I am a loser, like this is the worst way possible to work through this.
    Like my work shouldn’t suffer from my personal stuff.
    Perhaps this is telling me that it is OK to work though it like this?

    Should I do something?

    How do I feel?
    I feel sad to hear their stories. Many of them are going through heavier, far worser things than I am.
    For me, it is only about what is going on in my head and my heart and about old stuff being triggered.

    I want to be able to help them.
    Is there anything else I can do than listen and open my heart for them?

    Also, I want to imagine a good outcome, I want to feel that they are healed already.
    I don’t want to feel like they are less or weird or whatever than non-depressed people.
    I don’t want to label them. I don’t want to feel like they will be stuck in this forever. I want to see their strength and their vulnerability.

    I want to accept them, no matter where they are right now.
    I just want them to tell their story if they want to.
    I want them to feel heard.
    And to feel that it is going to be OK.
    And to feel that it is OK that they are where they are now.
    I want to offer them company, many of them feel lonely too.

    I talked about what I do that makes me feel good.
    I want to show them that there is hope.
    That there are things that you can do to feel better, babystep after babystep.
    But I don’t know if that is the way. Perhaps they don’t feel ready for it. I cannot see in their hearts and minds. I don’t know what is best.

    But I remember the good things people told me when I felt really depressed. I kept it in my mind and listened to it and used it when I felt the time was right for me.

    I suppose it is good if I feel my feelings in this too. If I express my feelings.

    And also, it is an opportunity to work with my boundaries. To feel if I can and want to be there for someone.
    And when I cannot do so bc I need to get back to me. And to express that.

    And then, I also have so many girl friends coming up to me. Starting to tell me stories about their relationships and love life. How they are not sure if they still love their BF, if he is still the one. Or, that they are so in love with a guy and now start to freak out bc their own fears are being triggered. And I have other single girl friends that wonder how they will find a new man.

    What does it mean?

    I have only started to babystep with Rori’s tools. I feel insecure about explaining things that I feel I start to understand, but that I haven’t experienced myself fully yet….

    I have told them about Rori and about this website.


    I would love that!!!


  10.  #10marina on January 5, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    oh #8
    I mean: my intention to be less self-conscious and more (self-)aware
    hihi, English isn’t my native language…

  11.  #11Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Crazy, I read this, then my platonic guy friend started hitting on me just now. HA HA HA. He is nice, i like him.

  12.  #12marina on January 5, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    LOL, all Sirens are still on the other thread.

    I just called my brother to ask him how he is doing, bike messenging and looking after a dog, cat and house of a mutual friend.
    He asked me if I want to stay with him this weekend and that we can go to a BURLESQUE party 🙂

    I feel happy, I feel loved, I feel excited, we are gonna have so much fun 🙂
    He can be a really cool PUA, he could make so much money by giving PUA courses, I feel sure of it!
    He doesn’t feel sure yet….

    Oh, and Burlesque is Sireny too 🙂

    I feel like I am only partying……

    OMG my psychotherapist was right, I am still not a grownup in any way….

    I have so much insecurities in my life, do I like my job, will I stay or go? Do I want to live here or in another country? Do I want to be with BF4? What kind of relationship do I want?
    Who are my friends?
    Can I be there if anybody needs me?

    And I don’t do anything about it!
    I am just waisting my life with waiting and going with the flow and partying…

    Not making any life altering decisions, having any life altering experiences.

    Looking back, I always hesitated to take the leap.

    I didn’t do what I really wanted to do!

    I didn’t go backpacking, I didn’t go and live in Crete for some time, I didn’t go to university but to a school of applied sciences, I didn’t live in a studentshouse.
    I stayed close to my Mum’s town.
    I even travelled Morocco with my chaperon, BF4.
    It was fun, it was beautiful, I fell more in love with that country, but it was not life altering.
    I am still in the same job for 5 years.
    I haven’t gone back to university.
    I didn’t make friends myself with the people that interested me, or looked for people that interest me.

    I just have so many dreams and ideas and haven’t got a clue how to make them real, or even how to choose one…..

    It seems I am still on the childside of life.
    My psychotherapist said it looked like I lack some emotional experience in some way, that that is why I keep coming back to this side.

    My voice doesn’t feel like it is mine. It feels like it is caged, stuck. It feels like it is of a little girl.

    I remember my voice changing, myself changing when I talked to my father and my stepmum about living in Crete for a year. I remember feeling completely in my skin instead of feeling inside out like I do most of the time. I remember the peace that came over me.
    I didn’t do it in the end.

    I don’t feel like I am living my own life and making my own decisions.

    Oh, so much time waisted!
    I hear you NV, you have my Mum’s face.

    Ugh, yuk, bah.

    I don’t want to feel bad about having fun.

    But I also don’t want to feel like I am running away from adulthood.
    Hihi, that looks silly.

    I feel I can be a woman, I can be an adult.

    I feel scared that I will no longer have fun if I am an adult. Ugh, imagine, me, an adult. I feel boring. I feel greyish. I feel like taking away other peoples fun.
    Oh wait, I already feel like that a lot of the time. Like my childside thinks that it has to act that way to be seen like an adult.
    As long as I am being very very serious and careful about everything, they are not going to notice that I am just pretending.

    I feel I have it all mixed up and wrong.

    Oh, perhaps it will be even more fun!
    To be able to both be an adult and to be a child.
    To be an adult when I need to, and to have fun when I want to and it is OK.
    Perhaps I can have fun when I am an adult too?
    Perhaps the ‘power and trust’ of being truly an adult feels good.
    Perhaps my life will feel more easy when I feel I can trust myself and know I will do things in my and others best interest?
    Perhaps I will be able to relax and play and have more fun, when I feel less urge to pretend to be serious and grownup?

    Hmmm, it feels more whole.
    Makes me feel more strong.

    Hmm, what is it like to be an adult?
    I don’t really know…?

    Feeling my feelings.
    Stating my boundaries.
    Making up my own mind.
    Speaking my own truth.
    Realizing my own goals.
    Making decisions, saying NO to certain things.
    And saying YES fully to life.
    Taking care of myself and others.
    Making decisions.
    Changing my mind when I want to.
    Loving myself, loving others.
    Opening my heart for others and the world.
    Being careful.
    Helping others.
    Teaching others?
    Hmm, I still miss the fun. I feel I am not there yet.
    I want it to be more colourful, more bright, more moving, more like something I really want to be.
    I will sleep on that.

    Well, I am going to do something grownuppish like putting away my clothes and working on my checkbook. There has to be some balance, right?

    No, putting away my clothes, taking a shower and going to bed is better.
    Checkbook tomorrow. After work.

    OMG, how do I get to the other side? Or how do I integrate it in my life? I don’t want to loose my childside, don’t feel like I have to. But it feels like looking at a blank wall now. Not a black hole, but a blank wall. I don’t see any window or door yet.
    Just white white white.

    And I still feel very very scared. Like I want to scream and run run run run run. That gorge I have to jump over seems so deep. And if I decide to walk down into it, crawl and fight my way through it and then climb up to the other side, it will take forever.

    But the sun is shining there. It has been raining here for soooo long. And I have only very little space left here. And there are flowers there and I can only see the first part of the path and then it goes up a mountain and I want to know where else it will go and that makes me curious. I want to explore it.

    Ugh, my childside is done playing to be an adult.

    I want my adultside to wake up. Wake up beautiful. You lazy sloth. Take that crown and reign over your life.

    I feel confused. Is it my childside that has to take the leap and has so much fear that she won’t jump? Is she lacking trust? That it will be OK?
    Will she grow wings while taking the leap, will she transform into a woman?
    Or is the woman on the other side? Is she waiting for the child to jump? Does she not have any power yet? Can’t she make the child jump?

    PFFFFFF, this is all in my head, I am trying to imagine what it looks like what I am feeling.

    My psychotherapist told me I am doing fine, babystepping my way into another phase of my life. That feeling my feelings and letting go of that umbellical cord and stating boundaries and experimenting with all of that is a good start.

    And she is here now to coach me when I want coaching.

    When I was in the tram on my way home, I welcomed my Sireny, sensual woman in me. She just came to me. She was so beautiful. I only saw and felt a first glimpse. I don’t really know her yet.
    I started noticing the men around me. I altered the way I sat. I had no fears. No thoughts. I just was. A bold man came standing in front of me. He looked like a football hooligan. And he was reading a book!!! He was totally intruiged by it. I didn’t think he had it in him. LOL I was laughing with my heart. It was funny. It was a suprise.
    Yes, my Sireny side likes fun. She can be a woman with a man. Not just a girl, a daughter, a mother, a sister or a friend, but a woman.

    Feeling a little bit better now.
    I feel there will be new opportunities to take the leap.

    Where is my FLYLady timer? And my clothes?
    I can do anything for 15 minutes.


    When did you Sirens feel you took the leap?

    Do you feel a difference between your grownup and childlike side?
    Can you feel both in the same time?
    Can you integrate them?
    Can you feel them working against eachother?
    Can you recognize yourself in my story or…?

  13.  #13marina on January 5, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    LOL Dorothea, that is awesome!

    Powerful stuff, being Sireny 😀

  14.  #14Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Marina, I do not like your psychotherapist and the mean things she has to say about you haha. How old are you anyway?
    I am also curious what your language is?

  15.  #15tinque on January 5, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    marina – I don’t intend to ever grow up whatever that is. Yes I’m responsible when the situation requires it, but I will never let go of my surprise and awe and joy in life. I will never stop playing.

  16.  #16marina on January 5, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Hi Dorothea,

    Hihi, I want to defend my psychotherapist now.
    She is really cool. This is just my way of telling what happened. I feel caught.
    I am 30, so yeah, time to take the leap.
    And to take some English grammar lessons I suppose.

  17.  #17marina on January 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Hi Tinque,

    Thanks, that sounds like a great outlook on life.

    I used to say that I have no clue when I should be responsible and when not.
    And that I usually mess up big time and feel responsible when it is not necessary and run when I should be resonsible.

    But your comment just shifted something in me…in a good way, hm, funny.

  18.  #18Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    No, your grammar is great. It’s just that my biggest passion is languages, so I was curious:)

  19.  #19Daria on January 5, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Marina – yes i recognize. i accepted that i AM adult as i am. the decisions i made and make ARE the best for me

    the joy i keep is Because i am taking good care of myself

    i don’t “take the leap” unless it feels good

  20.  #20marina on January 5, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Oh, ok.

    Funny, I love languages a lot too!
    Which ones do you speak Dorothea?

    I speak English, German, French, Greek and very little Moroccan Arabic and Tamazight.

    I live in Holland (The Netherlands) and we speak Dutch here, LOL.

  21.  #21marina on January 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Hihi, I sometimes feel very insecure about my English.

  22.  #22marina on January 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Thanks Daria!
    I feel relieved now too.
    I was really feeling like there was something wrong with me.

  23.  #23Luzydel on January 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    So how do you gals in here take this conversation?
    This guy is coming off a bit strong, but I like it when he acts like a man some times…Is he being possessive?

    GUY:tired of reading your pof emails?
    GUY :and now have time for me?
    ME: hey
    ME: I feel insulted
    GUY; that’s how i felt
    ME: Why? I did not know you were online
    GUY: i am talking about when you
    GUY: were reading other guys email
    GUY: and didnt have time to chat with me
    GUY: not that you have to tho..
    GUY: anyway
    GUY: are we good now?
    ME: I feel a little weird though, like I am being judged
    GUY; i am not believe me
    GUY: you are not mine yet lol
    ME: i will stop POF when a guy is totally into me and committed
    GUY: fair enough
    GUY: how was your day?

  24.  #24Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    luzy, he probably feels challeneged and a lil insecure. you did great. you don’t have to think twice about this convo, in my opinion.i dont think it’s a red flag or anything.

  25.  #25Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Marina that is wonderful! My uncle lives in Amsterdam:). He is single and seriously needs a siren to whip his spoiled ass into shape.

    And every language ever is my passion:)

  26.  #26Dave on January 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Quite intrigued to find this – because I feel like I get trapped in the ‘Friend’ zone as well. I have loads of women friends- to the extent that other men (and a some women) seem to think I am some kind of lady-killer, Lothario type – or gay. But I’m not. I can get a girl out for drinks or to go to a film at the drop of a hat (so to speak) but it’s been years since I have had even a ‘fling’.

    Interesting to read of women who feel this happens to them as well.

  27.  #27marina on January 5, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    LOL, how old is your uncle Dorothea?
    Perhaps my brother can teach him some PUA tricks 😉

    Where are you from?

  28.  #28Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Yeah so my guy friend, who is platonic but wasn’t always (we’re talkin 7 years ago), I thought was a lost romantic cause. He seemed so not into me and we went on being good friends as he went through girlfriend after girlfriend. And then today he turned up the heat. And it felt sexy and good, and didn’t bother me or feel weird at all. Too bad he lives in another state. Flirting is still fun!

    Then my coworker has turned up the heat. He always used to tell me about how he doesn’t believe in paying for women on dates and stuff, or treating them like they’re on a pedestal…and as a matter of conversation i told him i would never stand for that from my dates. Now he is going out of his way to compliment me and tell me I am pretty, and he offers me help for stuff outside of work. I fear my sirenhood and high value for myself has captivated him haha.

    Sirenhood is wonderful.

  29.  #29Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    my uncle doesn’t need PUA. He is 40 something and dates 23 year olds if he wants. It certainly helps that he looks very young He is just spoiled. He needs a siren to whip his ass into shape an get him courting a woman properly instead of leaning back and getting all this attention from ladies.

  30.  #30Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Oh and I live in CO. He is from NY but has lived in Amsterdam most of my life.

  31.  #31Turtle Girl on January 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Feel good in my body?

    Oh ladies, I masturbate almost every day. And I am in my fifties……….Whoooop Whoooop!!! Yes indeedy, I loves my pleasures.


  32.  #32Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Woop, turtle girl has hairy palms and is blind! 😛
    Love it

  33.  #33marina on January 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Yo go Turtle Girl! Haha.

    Oh Dorothea, love the way these guys are starting to notice your Siren wings 🙂

    Your uncle needs some serious Siren treatment, haha.
    Alas, I am no match for him and he will probably teach my brother some bad tricks.
    Uhm, rather not have that, LOL.

    Anyway, you can tell him there is gonna be a crazy Burlesque Party @Club8 in Amsterdam this Saturday.

    Whenever I go to Amsterdam, I feel like I am in a Euro Disney for Adults….Drugs, Drinks and Hookers, and lots of parties, anything you like…

    Time to go to bed now.

    Take care!

  34.  #34Rori Raye on January 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Dave – This is DavidDeAngelo territory – http://www.doubleyourdating.com. He’s moved from “pick-up-artist” stuff to the inner game and personal authority – and that’s what’s missing for you. You need to get in touch with your ‘danger.” Love, Rori

  35.  #35Katnina on January 5, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    I love this post! I also want to share the cutest penguin video in the world.
    Pure, unbridled joy in action:


    Next time I am feeling down, I plan to watch this cutie and revel in his happiness.

    I hope this little guy brings a smile to at least one other siren today!

  36.  #36Kristine on January 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    @Luzydel: No red flag it is a good thing it shows he cares but you told him why you were still looking and reading emails. If he doesn’t make the time for you or he knows what you want and is not stepping up to give it to you then I would say enough said. If a man is really into you and cares for you even if he is not sure if he loves you, he will step up, and not let her go. Then you know he is worth devoting your heart. Life is way too short not to be the woman you want to be and still get all you deserve!! Be Blessed!

  37.  #37Daria on January 5, 2011 at 5:56 pm


    hop hop hop!

    omgosh thats me!! LOL

  38.  #38Lisi on January 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I think Siren energy is catching. I’ve been circular dating some time now, and I notice they all back off about the same time (when I’m feeling needy and insecure) and they all get more interested about the same time (when I’m feeling sexy and desirable).

    For the first time, I have a sexual relationship with a guy who REALLY WANTS ME — the kind of drag you down the hall to the bedroom because he’s so turned on kind of want. It’s GREAT.

    At the same time, my ex who moved away is totally coming back and wanting to reconnect. Nine months ago, I made the mistake of going exclusive with him before he was ready for it. I won’t make that mistake again.

    I’m focusing on me more. Focusing on my needs, my emotions — and they’re doing more for me than ever.

    Even the guy who’s soooo attractive and makes my blood boil — I’m not sitting around thinking about whether he calls. I’m out with someone else.

    I think having a lot of weaker connections feels foreign to women, but it’s how men work. When one pulls back, and I am out with other guys — he’s free to call me back when he warms back up and I’m not getting all insecure and asking why he didn’t call. I’m just happy to hear from him, and will continue to give him back the same level of energy he’s giving me.

    If he texts, I text. If he calls, I talk to him. If he asks me over or asks me out, I go.

    So things are definitely moving in the right direction.

    I have been really feeling my breath when I exercise. I don’t think we pay attention to it enough — but it is incredibly pleasurable to BREATHE.

  39.  #39Lucy on January 5, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    I feel nervous about the lunch date being planned for Saturday. I wonder why….

    I don’t really want to go, but am planning to force myself to… and be open…..

  40.  #40Katnina on January 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Daria, that is how I feel too! I imagine I am him dancing for joy in the snow!

  41.  #41femenergylove on January 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    I feel nervous,i feel stupid,i feel vulnerable.I found out that Y broke up with a girl he dated for about 2 years a year ago,but then they kept ‘seeing each other.and then they stopped two months ago.but i moved to this city two months ago.and even when he is rowing the boat,calling me without fail everyday,introduced me to his friends,introduced me to his parents..i just dont trust him.especially since he had a hard time tellin his ex he was seeing someone else.because if its over he should be able to tell her right?and i have thought that maybe i would have a hard time telling an ex as well that i’ve met someone new.but thats probably an excuse.he seems a little uncomfortable about myt CDing,which he should.but i cant help but wonder…….is he genuine?i sent him a feeling message sms late last night and he did not write me back,i know he was awake…i also feel i was leaning forward with my feeling message which does not make it right,just makes me nervous for a response.because i was expecting a response anyway.sigh.i feel like i need to go to rori raye rehab,check in with my huge aviator glasses and try and avoid the paparazzi…i feel like a big joke.oh yeah and pictures of him and his ex still hanging on the kitchen wall dont make me comfortable either.ugh,i feel like i’ve dipped in a pool of mucky oil and i’m slimy.its 3 am.i’m goin to make some tea.that is what my body is screaming out for….reaching for aviator glasses…and i walk towards the kettle.

  42.  #42Daria on January 5, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Lucy – gosh Force myself feels bad to read… i have decided not to force myself to do anything, like ever…

    Rosa’s stop sign comes to mind

    I’m forcing myslef to go —) look up left see red stop sign for 5 seconds



    I’m allowing myself to go

  43.  #43Daria on January 5, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Hugs FemEnergyLove!

  44.  #44Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Hey Sirens, I have a question about circular dating.
    What on earth do you think I am supposed to say when a CD asks me out for X night but I already have a date planned with a different man, so I say ohhh i have plans. How about Y night? And they say ok cool, and then they make the plan with you. AND THEN they ask curiously, “so what are you doing X night?”

    I’m guessing “I have a date” is not a great answer.??

  45.  #45femenergylove on January 5, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    i feel shame,why sell myself short like that?i love myself,i love who i am and i do not have to convince someone to love me.i do not need to be subtle or anything to get or to keep his interest.rooibos tea aha moment.

  46.  #46Lucy on January 5, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Lol. Huh? — I just got this message from a guy on pof:

    “Hi, I’m so attracted to your pics, I love them. You have a cute, goofy look.”

    Lol. I have never heard me described like that before. I’m not sure how I feel about it!

  47.  #47Lucy on January 5, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Thanks, Daria. I will explore your ideas around “force.”

  48.  #48Lucy on January 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Nervous is starting to turn into scared silly.

    I wonder why….

    My mind is saying, “He has a similar look to WH and TN man, that’s why.”

    I don’t feel instantly drawn to him the way I did with WH and TN. Probably bc it’s not really about the way they look.

    I wonder if the similar look of this guy associates in my heart with “rejection.”

    Okay, removing myself from my head, back to my feelings —

    I feel scared and nervous.

    And that feels like rapid heartbeat, breathlessness, holding my breath.

  49.  #49Lucy on January 5, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Oh, I just got another msg from scary lunch guy and more insight into my feelings —

    I think I’m scared that I will like him.

    I do like him — I felt that when I read this last msg from him. I felt some attraction.

    But I’m scared that I might like him a LOT when I meet him. Yes, and then he won’t like me. Because that’s what happens when I like a guy.


    If I like him, he will like me….?

  50.  #50femenergylove on January 5, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    thanks Daria,did you get your phone issues sorted,your crazy spelled messages would make me giggle,deciphering them was fun 🙂
    i’ve relaxed into myself a bit more,and i’m putting it all out of mind.self love ,self love.my own intensity is crippling me because i resist it.

  51.  #51Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    lucy, dont u worry, siren! you haven’t met him so you have no idea if you will even like this man who wants to take you out. if he is a good date, you might feel positively toward him and want to grant him a second date when he asks. but only if he is a good date and treats you well and with respect. then maybe after a few dates you might realize GOSH I LIKE THIS GUY. and continue to grant him dates. but no sooner will you decide that he is worthy of your siren blessing. cuz that’s just silly. the suitor must first court the goddess if he wants her to like him:)

  52.  #52Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    I am having some scary guilt feelings about CDing. If you remember, LI had dumped me about 5 times in a month, and I even did the whole begging thing (hahaaaaaa), but now he is in step up mode. to the max. It feels WONDERFUL. these days he is the most loving, attentive, thoughtful, strong, safe man i have ever dated. but ‘these days’ is really only about 10 days or less or so. The turn around happened really fast once I started dating someone else.

    So it’s only 10 days of awesome feelings with him. But it feels like it’s always been that way. It’s so easy to fall into closeness and exclusivity when your hot and cold man blows hot.

    But I don’t believe he is just blowing hot right now. I do think he is ‘changing’ for the better in our relationship.

    Anyway, it’s only 10 days! but he is treating me so well that i feel like i owe it to him to be exclusive. but it’s only 10 days of good behavior. it feels so confusing to have a man treat you like the most important thing in the whole universe and offer you anything and everything you want and need, and then go the next day on a date with another man who is telling you how wonderful he thinks you are, and how he hopes you’ll keep going out with him, etc.

    i feel guilty.

    i also feel like “yeah right, buddy. you gotta show me a full turn around for at least 3 months before i consider exclusivity”

    and since he dumped me so much, i do believe i will wait for an engagement ring before i get exclusive.

    yeah right buddy

    but then what if along the way, i fall for someone else?


    and what if that someone else doesn’t accept me the way LI does??

    what if i make the wrong choice because i got spoiled by CDing?

  53.  #53Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    I guess it all boils down to I don’t trust myself to know when the right guy comes along or which one he will be.

  54.  #54Meemee on January 5, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    I went to gym yesterday. My gym instructor had a fun chat with me for half an hour. He was visibly flirting with me. We were pulling each other’s legs. But the conversation was fun.
    It felt nice. It really did. I felt free.

  55.  #55femenergylove on January 5, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Dorothea,this is what is scary for me as well,its when you finally have your groove back then we start to analyse.whatever you do DONT ANALYSE!!!!!!!RUN FROM THE ANALYSING>>>and just keep Cding.but its so much easier for me to tell you that than do it myself (banging head on keyboard…oh no now i have asdfghjkl on my forehead 🙂 )

  56.  #56Meemee on January 5, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    I am exploring my body these days. I like this post.
    I feel the possibilities of my body when I work out. I feel grace when I move my body to music. My body hurts when I do weight excercises. But I am knowing my body anew.
    This was something I have long forgotten. I knew my body only through X for the last three years. When I swing and sway I feel good.
    I want to have a really nice and in shape body. This is my aim for the next three months. I will devote time for my body. to make it beautiful, to know it more, to experience it. Workouts are helping me a lot to control my anger. and they provide me nice detraction.
    I dont think about X those two hours I work out. I am fully focused on myself. I do not feel conscious of my body. I feel free to move it, bend it and experience the freshness.
    I am loving this.
    I am really loving this.
    My physical strength gives me moral strength.
    Love you all

  57.  #57Rori Raye on January 5, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Lisi – Welcome – and Brava to you! Love, Rori

  58.  #58Katnina on January 5, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Dorothea, I love the idea of ‘granting’ a man with a date.
    That’s cool! It is like the language of courting to me.
    Thank you :).
    From now on if i will be granting dates to those who prove themselves worthy of my attention and affection.
    I feel like a princess.

  59.  #59Katnina on January 5, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Hi Lucy, I hear you on feeling scared! Remembering to stay in the present moment helps me to relax on scary dates. Maybe that can help you too?
    I also believe that if he is the right guy, nothing I do or say will be the wrong thing, provided I stay present with myself and my feelings.
    What do you think?

  60.  #60Daria on January 5, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    it is pleasurable to breathe! cool!

  61.  #61Dorothea on January 5, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Is anyone gonna follow the new bachelor?
    I like this season because the bachelor actually has done bachelor before and he dumped both his finalists. wamp wamp wamp. but most of these women are asking themselves if they will want him because of his bad track record, instead of leaning forward and throwing themselves all over him. Here’s a link to the first episode for your convenience.


  62.  #62snowqueen on January 5, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    post Christmas and I know I have a couple of pounds to shift to keep my intention of staying in shape and healthy. I’m at end stages of menopause and have stray periods now and then – and I get the chocolate cravings like I used to! Haven’t had one for 6 months till now – it’s weird. But instead of avoiding my body because it’s a little overweight (to what I like, I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination) I spend time looking at myself in my mirrors and stroking and appreciating my body and telling it that I am looking after it and will feed it properly and do some exercise to tone it and that feels so much better than trying to motivate myself by hating it. And I stay feeling good about myself. No one else notices the extra pounds anyway. I even went out and bought some new clothes yesterday which I don’t normally do unless I’m feeling at the right weight, and that felt good because I wasn’t punishing myself but just rewarding myself for being me and being ok with my body.

    I have a rounded tummy and I joke about it with men – I call it my ‘bonus third breast’ and they LOVE it! ‘instead of a nipple it has an interesting little dip’ [cheeky smile]. My last guy said he couldn’t believe how attractive that made me.

    I wish I’d had this confidence when I was young and really did have a gorgeous body but I spent all my time then focusing on the ‘bad’ bits as I saw it. Stupid. You young sirens out there – enjoy it!!!!

  63.  #63mary on January 5, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    happy new years to you guys…

    i’ve been busy with my guy.

    i gave him my speech:

    i feel uneasy about so much time spent together and i don’t want to live with a boyfriend. what did he think?

    he didn’t say anything. he started processing but never responded.


    i’m not sure what to do now.

    let me see… how do i feel?

    i need time to make phone calls. i need time to do errands. i need time to sort through my stuff. i need time to be alone.

    but i feel that a proposal is very close on the horizon. we’re getting ready to take a trip to meet both of our families… a huge step.

    i don’t want to be rejecting at the moment.

    what to say now?

    any ideas? i am taking care of me but i’m also not wanting to offend or reject. quite the opposite, really…

  64.  #64Alicia on January 6, 2011 at 12:43 am

    I am.. I commented on Brad in another post.. All these girls lean forward. I dont blame him for not picking one in the other season. It’s best when it the Bachelorette.. 20 men to one girl. I already heard rumors about who he chooses. But, I wont spoil them.. although they could be false, haha. Internet spoilers..

    He is yummy and more attractive that he had therapy 🙂

  65.  #65Aradea on January 6, 2011 at 1:04 am

    @ 34
    This guy is telling it all wrong, IMO. anyone else read this crap? If a man acts like he’s suggesting, he would never be able to land a Siren. Act Cocky&Funny, “bust her balls” act like you don’t care. I have to say I personally find this guy he’s creating unattractive as a mate already. He actually said one reason beautiful women fix themselves up as nice as they can due to competition for the “best” men! I don’t know about you ladies, But I like to look pretty and fix myself up, but I do it because I want to- I like FEELING pretty. I get plenty of male attention in old jeans and a ball cap- without makeup- at the dog park when I express my Siren.
    This guy is making the future d-bags!

  66.  #66Meemee on January 6, 2011 at 2:55 am

    I am feeling low.
    I am feeling shaky.
    X came to my office room. There is another person sharing my room now. He didnt talk to me. He talked to the other person and left.
    How good would it have been if I dont have to see him everyday!!!
    I know this moment will pass.
    But I feel tired and low and shaky now.
    I need some positive vibes to hold on

  67.  #67Daria on January 6, 2011 at 3:10 am

    Omgosh! This guy is making a picnic for our first date And he wants to ask me stuff I like so he can bring customized surprises for me Yay

    And he’s funny and has a mission and complimented me

    And set up a date with a Time by him!

    And has on his own decided to research my town to find things for us to do!

    I’m like what have u been reading the manual??

    And hes cool has confidence too!


    Yay for Eft working to bring sexy guys my way damn that Eft really worked!

  68.  #68Daria on January 6, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Oh also I entrusted the time to workout to a spirit: Shango.

    Today I heard him calling me and it felt like a real live man was there telling me come on babe, let’s workout!

    I’m waiting for u in the other room!

    It was so easy to workout cuz he was there the whole time talking to me!

    And it was the time that felt good to me. My intuition… Gut… Is so right!

    I love it.

    Shango’s gonna help me fill out my financial aid forms too. 🙂

    Yay. 🙂

  69.  #69Daria on January 6, 2011 at 3:25 am

    Something Mercedes said kinda grabbed at me which was that I’m still holding on to a guy and won’t find another till I do.

    I recently discovered that I was still waiting for him…


    Well anyway it’s not true cuz a better guy is coming baybe hehe

    I wonder y that grabbed at me

    Past the obvious reason of fear that that is bad and will take a long time… Hmmm


  70.  #70Daria on January 6, 2011 at 3:27 am

    Hugs Meemee ! I liked reading about your body discoveries and the flirting gym guy! Try sone Eft!

    It just brought me a guy w all the qualities I say I look for… Wow!

  71.  #71Daria on January 6, 2011 at 3:44 am


    The man asked me … Do u have any void in u you want to fill?

    And I answered, with no clue what I was gona say:

    Yeah… I want to be Out more… I want to be Seen



  72.  #72Rosa on January 6, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Meemee @66

    Its ok , the shaky energy is soon to be a thing of the past . Soon you leave there forever and are safe knowing he wont even have your number or address.

    It feels wonderful to read of your progress. i feel excited for you !

    My situation has been interesting but there is no looking back for me at the gman clinging to the saddle! I think he might be getting a rough ride back there but hes only weighing down my horse and I wouldnt be surprised if he gives up and just falls off completely next time my horse gets a little frisky 🙂

    I dont feel free to post due to an inadvertent confidentiality breach when I copied a Coehlo quote posted here and emailed it to a friend.It went with the link to the page here automatically tagged at the end of the copied piece. The friend read the blog in which they were mentioned..I felt embarrassed and distressed. I am feeling unsure how to proceed so i am farewelling the blog for now.

    ( I posted anyway in my concern for Brenda yesterday ..you OK Brenda?)

    I may reappear soon after a “reinvention”

    Good luck everyone.

  73.  #73marina on January 6, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Hi Rosa,

    I am sorry you feel unsafe on the blog now.

    I hope you will be back soon (perhaps under another name?)

    Your posts really helped me.


  74.  #74Lorelei on January 6, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Rosa @ 72

    I don’t want you to leave . . . I would miss your voice, we, all of us probably, would miss your voice.

    But I understand about the accidental revelation of the site as well . . . I only feel able to post on here because my id is anonymous, and I want to stay that way. I was really freaked out at one stage when I friended Rori on FB, and then realised that other curious FB friends might wonder who Rori was, click her pic, see her page and click through to this blog, and voila. My situation at the time would have been recognisable . . . I felt incredibly exposed, so I I do understand and do feel for you.

    But I do hope that you will be back. How might we tell it’s you? (You don’t have to answer that!).

  75.  #75Rosalie on January 6, 2011 at 6:11 am

    I have young guy, same age as me (26) He is very good tempered, calm, responsible, works a lot at a multinational.

    I know him since March 2010. I’m a private tutor and he is my student. We laugh a lot, he talks about himself a lot. He never talks about girls or a particular girlfriend. He knows I’m single and guess the same about him.

    I would like to step out oh his friend zone… I tried the things above, but he didn’t do anything, inviting me out etc. So no change. I won’t initiate or lean forward.

    I wonder if he will ever step up.. 🙁

  76.  #76T-Girl on January 6, 2011 at 6:25 am

    @ Dorothea – did your question re: circular dating get answered? I have that same question but didn’t see an answer. But then again, I feel lost in the shuffle because I’ve asked a question on this site before and nobody answered that one either…

  77.  #77Lorelei on January 6, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Dorothea @ 44

    One CD asks “curiously, “so what are you doing X night?” I’m guessing “I have a date” is not a great answer.??”

    Good question! And things like “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that” would sound suspicious and defensive!

    On the other hand, if these are just early dates in a process, (just wondering aloud here) what would be the effect of honestly saying “I have a date”?

    Could it increase our desirabIlity? I.e. – it let’s the man who asked know that he’s not the only one around. Men like a bit of competition, apparently.

    If he presses for details, we could say, “I don’t like discussing my dates with each other. [Smile] [If he’s in front of you, lean in a bit] And I want to give you my full attention. [Then lean way back in chair].”

    I got the idea of leaning in briefly then leaning back and staying back from one of the speakers in Toxic Men – it’s a little tease.

  78.  #78Lorelei on January 6, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Rosalie @ 75

    Hi – there could be loads of reasons – not least that he might be gay and maybe not out. Or for some unknown reason not looking for a relationship. Or not into you in that way.

    We never know! But it feels fantastic to hear your clear decision to stay leaning back and not initiate. It’s great having a fun someone like him to practice with.

    I read another siren on here recently saying “each one is preparing us for the one.” I take this to my heart myself. It may be only that the practice you gain from leaning back with him may pay off big-time later on with someone else.

    Are you CDing other men as well, to help you not get too hooked up on this one? To be holding gaze, smiling, leaning back and making feeling statements with all men everywhere, at work,in stores, in the mall, at sports events etc, whether or not you are on an actual date or actually know them is a fantastic way to help you stay open to lots of men, rather than focussing your energy just on one.

  79.  #79Lorelei on January 6, 2011 at 6:51 am


    HI – reading all your posts – you are amazing! I repeat: you are amazing. I feel thrilled to read of all the changes that you are consolidating. You sound so different as well. Such positive energy. And only another month before you can leave your current place – and soon your phone number changes – and X will be so much out of your life. So glad you enjoyed flirting with the gym instructor. Feels like fun! Choose joy!

  80.  #80marina on January 6, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Hello Dear Sirens,

    I am starting to feel a little better now.
    I just came home after work and was back to my STRESSmode.

    Ugh, bad bad habits of multitasking, multithinking, and taking the blame when there really is no need and nobody even asks about that.

    I never thought it would feel bad to go back to work, but today I just felt like crying, like I was back to where I was before I stayed at home.

    Anyway, I got home and thought, oh, I need to hurry, I want to do something fun, to feel better, I should run to the movies and watch Love and Other Drugs!

    But I decided I can do that later. Perhaps even with a friend.

    I am just sitting here, drinking my tea, watching the birds and trees outside and just DOING ONE THING AT A TIME!
    Multitasking, multithinking f*cks up my mind big time!

    So, now, after 15 minutes, my stress is gone gone gone, I am starting to feel peaceful now.
    I want to feel that way at work too.

    Here is a letter by Pam Young, from the G.O.O.D. (get out of debt)book on adrenalin junkies.

    A message from Pam

    Are You Addicted to Adrenalin? I am, and since there is not Adrenalinics Anonymous I had to work with my addiction alone and am now a “recreational”
    user. Being disorganized was the “perfect” (we hate the word, but it’s still in the dictionary) lifestyle for my addiction to rage. Here’s how it worked and although it’s not scientific it is true in the laboratory of my life.

    Our bodies release adrenalin in situations where we need to respond quickly. We’ve needed it to be able to run from a flying tyrannosaurus or a springing tiger, but today we have this supply somewhere in our bodies just itching to be used to save us. In my case I started using in Jr. High School and for me procrastination was like a needle to an addict, a sure-fire way to get the drug released into my system. I’d leave a six-week project until the weekend before it was due and drain my source of the drug staying up all night, neglecting food, imagining failure, pushing, studying (oops I just remembered it’s the Pterodactyl that could fly) and finally going to school Monday morning with the flair
    of a seasoned actress, presenting my completed project (even Steven Spielberg would have been impressed with) and getting an A.

    By the time I married I was a practiced and outstanding procrastinator and unconsciously addicted to adrenalin. In my chaotic, disorganized
    past I was known to put off Christmas preparations until December 24, hide from unexpected company, run for buses, ignore the mail box, intercept
    disconnect notices at the last minute and with the advent of credit cards I discovered a great way to get a quick fix, just by reading THE STATEMENT.

    When I got organized, I went through withdrawal! What happened to the rush of barely catching the flight? Where’d the drama go when dinner guests were to arrive in five minutes and I still hadn’t taken a shower? Was my life of being organized, suddenly going to be dull and drug free? I went into nervous
    remission and had to think a lot about what my transformation from pigpen to paradise was doing to me. I realized I need drama in my life and now that I know Nelly (my inner child, she is a drama queen) I know the drama of life makes me happy. I love to be dramatic! I love to go to the movies. I love to read about other people’s drama. When I teach, I get to be “dramatic,” and as far as adrenalin goes, I still get to use, but it’s way more fun now and it’s in moderation. If you have been disorganized for very long, chances are you are addicted to adrenalin too, but as you follow your routines and continue to add healthy habits to your lifestyle, you will need to replace the negative “drama” with positive scenarios.
    Only you know what your replacements will be, so give some thought to it and you will find what makes you and your inner child happy and organized.

    Dear Pam,
    Just a quick note – I’ve always had a problem keeping my house clean even being on FlyLady’s list for so many years. She talks about “blessing her home” instead of “cleaning” it. That’s a wonderful thought, and it’s helped me somewhat in changing my thinking about taking care of my home. But a clean room/house to me has always looked like ‘no one lives here’. I guess from having to move many times while growing up! lol My husband has
    always complained that the house never gets cleaned unless someone is coming over.
    But because of the Inner Kiddies, and learning to listen carefully to Jane, my inner child, everything changed this morning. She came up with a reason that has, in an instant, changed my whole point of view. She looked around at the almost clean living room, clean kitchen and bathroom, and said “This is almost party-ready!’
    From now on, I’m not going to be “cleaning” or even “blessing” my home —
    I’m going to be making it “Party-Ready” (cue dance music)!! And Jane will be with me all the way!

  81.  #81marina on January 6, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Are you feeling like being a Siren is difficult?
    Let go of the outcome and enjoy the ride!
    To me that is also what this letter is about:

    Confidence Is Worthless: Here’s the Real Secret To Fearless Charisma
    -Have you ever wrung your hands together, got a bit nervous, and desperately wished that you weren’t so afraid of doing something?
    You may have been told that ‘all you need is a little confidence’ to see a scary event through.
    There’s been many times I’ve work hard, psyched myself up with adrenaline and gone through emotional turmoil to get ‘confidence’…
    …only to get FRUSTRATED that I felt nervous when I had to repeat the same feat a few weeks (or years) down the line!
    There is an alternative to this boom/ bust cycle of personal security, and today i’m going to explain (at length) why confidence is garbage, and…
    Confidence is preached to us, packaged and sold to us as the solution for most of our problems.
    If you’re not getting the gorgeous women you want it is because you lack confidence, losing weight will give you more confidence and what is the most attractive quality we can possibly have?
    You guessed it: confidence.
    However, I’m a little suspicious of the overwhelming power of confidence. Why? Because confidence isn’t something we can hope to ever be a constant in our lives.
    Even the most confident individuals have moments where self-doubt will reek havoc on their abilities to maintain a conversation with a beautiful date, or nail that all important job interview.
    We all drift between moments of feeling like the king of the world, and being down on our luck. We can have days, months, or maybe years (though I’m dubious) of feeling like the gift of confidence is with us.
    However, we’re so often cut down in our prime by something that will destroy that confidence we worked so HARD for.
    If you rely on confidence in order to win over that stunning girl, give that presentation, or just to interact with others your reserves will eventually run dry.
    This is because confidence is based on a presumption that things are going to go well; it’s the habit of being too careful in life.
    However, if you hit enough failure (which happens to us all) then you’re back to square one: you have to invest loads of time building it back up.
    Call me a skeptic but that isn’t a solid base for any personal development. The reason it is so shaky is because confidence is attached to EMOTION.
    It is a state where we try and use positive emotions to overpower our fears; it is when we try and muster up enough strength to overcome an emotionally threatening challenge.
    If you’ve ever seen anyone ‘psyche’ themselves up before they have to surmount a challenge you’ll know what i mean.
    -Think about how sports’ fans jump around enthusiastically before a match, how singers will do some weird ritual before they perform, and how you probably prayed to God for your dear life before your finals’ exams.
    (Heck, I this before my Physical Geography exam!)
    Do truly successful people really put themselves through this emotional wrestling match every time they get the girl or the job, that they want?
    In fact do you ever see those people with effortless success break a sweat? Nope. That is because they’ve mastered quite a different skill to confidence.
    They now rumble with its polar opposite: INDIFFERENCE.
    As they stroll up to the Megan Fox lookalike, or deliver a death blow presentation, they are not ruled by emotion.
    Instead, they absorb the possibility of all things awesome and frightening into their everyday reality.
    They put little more thought into their actions than the thought they would put into taking a sip of water. They are aware of the consequences, accept them, and do the action anyway.
    They don’t have the self-fulfilling prophesy of confidence dictating that things have to go well to live up to; which is why they never feel the sting of rejection or failure.
    -It doesn’t emotionally register.
    They are so focused on their higher purpose (whether that’s being a rock star, heart surgeon, or just a thoroughly good person) that THEY DON’T ATTRIBUTE EMOTIONAL IMPORTANCE TO THEIR ACTIONS.
    In other words, their passion in life always comes before the opinions and judgements of others.They simply see an opportunity for an interesting interaction, and just do it.
    Their purpose dictates how they should feel, not the opinions of others. At no stage are they worried that their world will end, their sense of self will be shattered, if the Megan Fox lookalike rolls her eyes and walks away, or if their stellar presentation gets met by dumb stares.
    In fact, they’d *definitely* find it funny if they did!
    Why? Because if this one little event in their lives goes a bit awry then it is merely a blip on their radar in life.
    ‘Masters of Indiffence’ don’t focus in on the single event, but they see it as a speck of dust in relation to the comet-like mass of positivity that their lives are.
    One attractive (wo)man, one good friend, or one job promotion then doesn’t equal the path to all future success and happiness.
    They don’t rely on sole events to dictate anything too them- or tell them anything about themselves.
    Just because you didn’t get that job it doesn’t mean you have to lose all faith in yourself as a, quite frankly, awesome person (you’re reading this newsletter so I know you’re very cool).
    No way. That one event doesn’t change how you see yourself as a person, it’s just one event.
    Indifference to certain social situations then is the primary quality you should try and develop, not this confidence malarky.
    Now if you’re sitting there reading this and you’re thinking ‘but my life isn’t amazing/ awesome/ fulfilling’ and you can’t put one event into perspective, you *don’t* have a confidence problem….
    …You have a LIFESTYLE problem, which F.Y.I., one event won’t fix either!
    No one person can ever fill the void of making you feel attractive, nor will one job ever ultimately make you feel successful. It is about accruing positive experiences, until you get to the point where you no longer need any one thing to change your life.
    You need to stop that horrible belly-ache feeling of want and replace it with a calmness that comes from doing things because you want to make a person happy not because you need anything from them.
    Well that’s all well and good I hear you cry, but how do you make a positive step to change this TODAY?
    1. First, find a pen & paper, and scribble down all the things that make you feel good (get at least 10, alright?)
    2. Secondly write down all the reasons the world is better off having you in it, than not
    3. List all the people you love and who love you (make sure you FEEL it in your tummy!)
    4. List all the activities you enjoy and are pleased of
    5. List of all the things you have DONE that you are pleased of, or SHOULD be pleased of (i.e. others would be pleased of it – if you’re not pleased, then you may have a problem with impossible standards)
    6. Look at your lifestyle – ASIDE from the area you think you need confidence – how close is it to being perfect?
    7. How much fun do you have? If not much, then CHANGE THAT FIRST…
    8.How often does something in your day make you smile? If not much makes you crack into a smile then CHANGE THAT FIRST…!

    Okay, so let’s start with the most important items on that list, getting you to have fun and smile more, every day.
    Instead of shuffling around, looking glum, seeking validation from people, start to seek amusement for yourself.
    THINK: ‘I don’t care about what you think! I’m having FUN’.
    A great drill to get you cracking on this new mentality is a little thing I like to call ‘The Applause Exercise’.
    (~Come on: it even sounds fun!)
    The applause exercise is designed to push your social boundaries. Instead of feeling that crippling anxiety at doing things, you’ll start to enjoy socially scary behaviour for the THRILL of it.
    So, the next time you’re on a plane coming into land, or watching the end credits of a film at the cinema, I want you to be that one cringeworthy person who starts CLAPPING, loudly.
    Yep, I want you to accept that you’re going to look a little silly for a moment, do it anyway, and take PLEASURE in the fact you’re having your own private little joke.
    As everyone thinks ‘Oh my God who is that person?’, you’ll be thinking right back, ‘I’m the guy that’s having the most fun right now!’.
    Once you’ve mastered this applause exercise you can try seeking the fun of anxiety in a variety of situations.
    – Maybe the next time you’re in somewhere that has been carefully branded ‘no smoking’ try asking people for a light!; or ask for directions in broken English; or slip up on a banna skin!
    – Revel in the playfulness, delight in the awkwardness and be indifferent to the reactions of others!
    Confidence is about predicting that things will go well… Indifference is about having fun if they don’t!
    Indifference will reward you with smiles. It will give you the ability to approach people, and go after what you want, even if that it is clapping over enthusiastically in a silent cinema.
    Unlike its nemesis confidence, it won’t punish you if you don’t get exactly the response you want.
    Instead, it will help you to see even the worst social bloopers as minuscule within the spectrum of your happy clapping, sign-ignoring, Megan Fox dating, rock star life.
    Or in other words your higher purpose: giving value to others, whilst leading exactly the life you want, without a care in the world for what other people think!
    (-Phew! Swear that’s the longest damn email I ever sent!)
    Indifferently Yours,
    Marcus marcus@yourcharismacoach.com
    19 St Pauls Road, Staines, Middx TW18 3HG, UNITED KINGDOM

  82.  #82Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 7:56 am

    OK, folks, today I discovered being 80-something is cool. hahaha LOL 😆


  83.  #83Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 7:57 am

    …and it’s “a sign.” 😀


  84.  #84Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:04 am

    2: marina says:
    LOL, all Sirens are still on the other thread.

    hahaha LOL. We didn’t see the note you left for us. I see you… 😆

    How you doing, babe? 😀


  85.  #85Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:15 am

    23: Luzydel says:

    “Is he being possessive?”

    I say, no, just making conversation and sliding into “how are you?”


  86.  #86Rosalie on January 6, 2011 at 8:16 am


    Thanks so much for your insight! Yes, I was thinking about these alternatives as well… 🙂 I’m sure he’s no gay tho. He told me many times like “I heve a best friend, we talk about girls etc.”

    I think he’s not into me… Hmm. It feels sad butI don’t feel angry. I still like him tho.

    Great idea that I should use him to practice lean back and other tools as well! I can experiment with him without consequences 🙂

    I want to start CDing soon… I have other issues I want to clear up before CDing. I have too many burdens now. This guy’s presence makes me feel light and easy. That’s good 🙂

    Maybe he’s afraid of me bec I teach him 🙂 Okay, just a joke. He would step up, if he wanted to. I know.

  87.  #87marina on January 6, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Hi SLV,

    That was last night, LOL!
    I am doing fine now. I feel relaxed and happy.

    I just watched the youtube song about a d*ck in a box that you posted on the other thread, ROFL.

    How are you doing?
    I read exciting things in your posts :)?


  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:27 am

    @39: Lucy says:
    “I feel nervous about the lunch date being planned for Saturday. I wonder why….
    I don’t really want to go, but am planning to force myself to… and be open…..”

    Hi Lucy,

    Eat fast… 😆


  89.  #89Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:29 am


    The DiAB wasn’t my link but I enjoyed watching it! 😆


  90.  #90marina on January 6, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Oops, sorry, LOL

  91.  #91Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:47 am

    @44: Dorothea says:

    “I’m guessing “I have a date” is not a great answer.??”

    I don’t think it’s a bad answer. For me, I’d probably say “I’m going out with a friend.”, “I’m going to a play, or —-, or—-, or whereever” “I’m meeting a friend.”

    IMHO, I’d like to be honest and let guy know that he’s not the only person in the world with whom I socialize. I’m single and there’s no need to tell him all the details of my life or discuss what I do with other people except in a casual, friendly way.

    This is just my way of doing for me: I do not intend to say “CD” “cee dee-ing” “circular dating” “you’re now number three in my rotation.” tee hee 😆

    And again, just for me, I’d want to “K-I-S-S” keep it so simple. No long explainations of “CD.” I’m not even using those words.

    If people–guys, friends, family–think “circular dating” is polyamory and they often would, no matter how much talk there is about commitment, marriage etc etc.. the communication would not be effective for me.

    My two cents…your mileage may vary…

    And I could change my mind about how to handle it…since I’m a woman, a “womanly” woman, I get to do that. 😀


  92.  #92Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:50 am

    48: Lucy says:

    “I don’t feel instantly drawn to him the way I did with WH and TN. Probably bc it’s not really about the way they look…”

    Scary, because you don’t yet “know him?” OMG, maybe WH and TN were getting you reading for this guy???? Wow!

    You never know…


  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:55 am

    @55: femenergylove says:

    “..(banging head on keyboard…oh no now i have asdfghjkl on my forehead )…”

    Hello, femenergylove, that is so funny. 😆


  94.  #94Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 8:58 am

    I need some “Flip” help.

    Lucy, I think it was you who mentioned flips a few posts back…

    I asked on previous thread if anyone had link to Rori post re: Flips. I remember seeing such post on blog when I first started reading blog.

    S.O.S … please…


  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 9:13 am

    @72: Rosa says:

    “I may reappear soon after a “reinvention” Good luck everyone…”

    Farewell, Rosa. I’ll see you, soon I hope, in new incarnation.


  96.  #96Meemee on January 6, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Thanks for your encouragement. That means a lot to me.
    I am just back from gym. I am enjoying it. I am reading my body. It’s a wonderful thing to know one’s own body.
    I am still feeling slightly low. The presence of X is making me feel anxious and low. I am quitting my job. But I am working in the same place where I do my PhD. And X is my senior. He is also doing PhD. That means even if leave the job, I will have to see him for all my PhD related stuff. It’s a great relief that I won’t have to see him on a daily basis. But I am realizing his presence is going to be there till I finish my research.
    That is bothering me.
    I feel much relived when I am away from him.
    I feel happy when I don’t have to get involved with him.
    But I feel bitter at times. I still don’t know how to deal with it. When I think of those times, I feel low and I feel I am doing a self defeating exercise.
    I have been avoiding all social events in the last two weeks where I am likely to meet X.
    That sort of curtails my mobility.
    But I am taking care of myself by not exposing myself to emotional damages.

  97.  #97Meemee on January 6, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Thanks Daria!!

  98.  #98Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 9:23 am


    Hi Meemee, I’m glad your New Year 2011 is coming along well. I’m excited about mine too!


  99.  #99femenrgylove on January 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

    So he wrote me 🙂 sweet a nice message…….so looking forward to my other date tonight!!!

    SLV…..had to cold compress my forehead before heading out today 🙂

    soak up all the love like a nice pork chop in some good marinade!!!yup yup……..

  100.  #100marina on January 6, 2011 at 9:46 am

    SLV, I wasn’t here when Rori posted her original article on FLIP FLIP FLIP

    I learned about it through Daria’s posts on one of the previous threads…

  101.  #101marina on January 6, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I am warming up for Saturday 🙂

    A girl friend of mine wants to join us and she wants to go in a Burlesque outfit!
    I was just thinking about a boa, but I suppose I might try on a corset too, haha.

    Burlesque workshop!

  102.  #102Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 10:13 am

    @99: marina says:
    “…SLV, I wasn’t here when Rori posted her original article on FLIP FLIP FLIP

    Thanks, anyway. Are you using it? I saw post last fall 2010 but I think it was from a much older thread. I was trying to avoid searching for it…

    Ah, well… I hope link turns up from someone…


  103.  #103marina on January 6, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Hi SLV,
    I am referring to this thread, it starts with #17 Daria


    Perhaps you can use this too?

  104.  #104Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 10:31 am

    102: marina

    Yes, that post is good too. What I was looking for was the Rori post on “Flips”; I saw it months ago but I think it’s older than that.

    When I get a few minutes, I’ll look for it. You might like to see it too. If we’re lucky another siren has it at her fingertips and will post it for us. Cross fingers… 😉


  105.  #105snowqueen on January 6, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    SLV – while you’re waiting for the ‘flip’ post to show up you could also check out Byron Katie’s The Work (easily searchable online) and try out her worksheets because the last one is the ‘turnarounds’ which I suspect are very similar. You must write it all down though because it works so much better that way!

    Daria – if someone asked me if I wanted a void filling I would giggle. But then I’m from the UK and grew up watching Carry On films.

  106.  #106Daria on January 6, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    The powerful men

    The life force is intermittent said the drum leader woman

    I said

    Life swept you away

    Faster than I could say goodbye

    Or hang on to your hand

    And tell you that’s not where you wana be.

    Tho I did tell u I did tell u


    The first step to drumming is moving ur feet like a bicycle

  107.  #107Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    104: snowqueen says:
    “…But then I’m from the UK and grew up watching Carry On films…”

    Well…I recall watching episodes of the Brit classic comedy TV series “Are You Being Served?” where the character Mrs. Betty Slocombe very frequently asked people, usually men, to look for her pussy…in odd places…etc 😆

    Thanks for the Byron Katie resource. 😀


  108.  #108Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Dorothea, I would answer the question “so what are you doing X night?” like this:

    If in person, my eyes would open in surprise, then twinkle mischievously with a mischievous smile, and I would say, “Stuff.”

    If in text, I would just write, “Stuff. :)”

  109.  #109Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    SLV, I don’t know where the flip post is. Sry.

  110.  #113Senior Lady Vibe on January 6, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    @109: LonePlum

    The Flip! You’re a miracle worker. Thank you, thank you.

    And now I bring you… The Clip!

    Did I post this? I meant to but I had some technical difficulties and lost some text and links.

    In case anyone hasn’t seen this: Guy uses one red paperclip and trades his way up to a house. It’s a king-sized version of the “Bigger and Better” barter game.

    Anyway, here it is, check it out!

    No money required…

    OneRedPaperClip ABC 20/20


  111.  #114Lisi on January 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Okay, so here are my texts from my “ex” who moved 3 hours away for work, and said, “long distance relationships don’t work.”

    I’ve been Circular Dating, and after 3 months, just started sleeping with one man I’m seeing.

    My ex has really come on strong this week after bailing out of coming for Christmas. Today:

    Him: How’s that ad working out? Quite a buffet huh?

    Me: A veritable smorgasboard, baby! 🙂

    Me: In the beginning, you told me to keep seeing other people, but I didn’t take your advice. I think you were right & it would have allowed you the space you needed.

    Him: Hmmmmm….and what did it do for u?

    Me: Kept my confidence up, made me feel good, entertained me, helped me feel attractive, kept me from driving you away by being needy.

    Him: Gawd….I luv u 4 that…I am totally humbled….U must know u have touched my heart. Hmmmmm

    Me: Thank you. And you have touched mine as well.

    Him: That was heavy….Respect dwells even more….Would be nice to c u maybe have adrink and then i will rub yr feet

    ***Note — this man has always said, “I respect you.”

    Me: It would. It would be a pleasure to see you.

    Him: I feel the same here. I don’t want 2 coe over 4 sex only and i know u wud agree :-\

    Him: We long 4 so much more

    Me: Exactly. We could decide not to have sex @ all, if it feels best that way. Yes, we do.

    Him: We know chemistry is a very powerful source…Don’t we…?

    What I find interesting is that he THANKS me for circular dating! And, this is the first time he has come close to saying, “I love you.” Before I read Rori, I used to say it, but he never did.

    So, we’ll see. Regardless of what happens with THIS MAN — I am headed in the right direction….

  112.  #115marina on January 6, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Hi Lisi,

    That was a very sweet text conversation, nice to read 🙂

    I love Rori’s post on the FLIP
    Thanks for the links LonePlum!
    I decided I am going to practice more of the tools.

    I started to write down my problems
    For example:
    I worry about my health

    I want to be healthy

    Now, I was wondering.
    For example:
    If my BF4 or my Mum tell me I should see a doctor bc I fear I am not healthy etc.
    And I feel annoyed bc I feel I am treated as a child

    Can I FLIP it into:

    Ahw, they are worried about my health
    They want me to be healthy.

    Do I FLIP it for myself?

    Hmm, analyzing, nasty voice:
    Shouldn’t I state my boundary and tell them they should mind their own business?

    Sssssshhhh nasty voice!

    They want me to be healthy!
    Hmm, actually it feels kinda good 😀

    They care for me and want me to be healthy.

    (Feels better than thinking they worry about my health, and much much better than thinking they are invading my space, interfering with my life and should back off and not treat me like a kid)

    I am going to write down more worries.
    For myself somewhere.
    I have used so much space up here already, haha.


  113.  #116marina on January 6, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Oh wait, my nasty voice is here to protect me.
    I hear you.

    Thank you for trying to protect me.
    I hear you and I embrace you.
    And, I’m going to go on feeling better now,
    and doing what makes me feel good,
    and what makes me Bigger and Happier,
    so I can have more love and compassion to share with youand with the world.
    And I won’t abandon you.
    I promise.

    Feel smiling now 🙂

  114.  #117Jennifer on January 6, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Interesting post.
    TOTALLY say “stuff”
    That rules

    I may have paranormal romace book OD.
    I’ve been reading some about werewolves who find their “mates”…..
    so last night I dreamt I was the mate of a werewolf….who happened to be Christian Bale.
    Who I did’t think was hawt until now .
    He followed me all over ……stood close to me at fancy parties…drove me all over the city in a jag
    Woke up feeling like…….
    I’ll take some of that please universe.
    Hawt, powerful man in a suit, worshiping me

  115.  #118Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I have a cd tonight. am looking forward to it!
    i’ll let yall know how it goes:) he’s cute!

  116.  #119LonePlum on January 6, 2011 at 5:55 pm

  117.  #120Turtle Girl on January 6, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    You go Dorothea!! Have fun! Haw!!!!!!!!!!!!

  118.  #121LonePlum on January 6, 2011 at 6:07 pm

  119.  #123MacKenzie on January 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm


    I so completely understand how you are feeling. If a guy completely loves you and is being wonderful to you how do you keep dating other people? He feels so hurt and feels like you don’t return his feelings. When I was in this situation the one guy said he really couldn’t stand thinking that I might be kissing another guy the way that I kissed him and I could understand how that might feel awful. It made him completely nuts. He bought me a ring and asked me not to date anyone else. I guess if you get something like that from your guy you might consider being exclusive. But I also have seen many times that a man that blows hot and cold will probably blow cold again if you give all your attention to him. I am really curious about your situation and how you should handle it.

  120.  #124Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    What if you just don’t kiss the other guys? That would help, wouldn’t it?

  121.  #125MacKenzie on January 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Aren’t we supposed to be treating all the guys equally and keeping our hearts open? You see how this gets very confusing and difficult to manage. I’m not saying it’s wrong because these tools are working wonders for me and I now have many guys who are interested in me and one of them might be the right guy for me. It’s just too early to tell. But until you choose one it is very tricky.

  122.  #126Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    I just had a fb IM convo with a guy I had one date with about a year and a half ago… and I feel a bit unsettled within myself about it. He had wanted to go out again right away, but he was still living with his wife (in-home “separation”). We became fb friends — haven’t seen each other again in person — and had several intense IM’s at that time… intense in that he was pressuring me to “give him a chance” and I didn’t want to date someone living with his wife… then he moved out, but he was bad-mouthing his wife so badly and we had words about That… and it got to the point where I could see he was very emotionally unhealthy and I wound up in the “counselor” role with him, which was fine with me bc I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship at all by that point. He got upset with me bc I was being “tough” with him — made him cry … (all of this online). Then I didn’t hear from him for many months, except for an occassional post on my public fb page.

    But tonight he IM’d me.

    And it felt kinda icky overall. I expressed myself as best I could moment by moment (some parts felt okay or good or funny too), but I feel like I could have handled it much better — it left me feeling weird and caged. I am going to post it here and would appreciate feedback.

    I guess my main question is: how can I better avoid feeling weird, icky, and caged in the future?

    (He started, then we alternated)

    I like your new picture very pretty


    How is C?

    not too bad. we were in p today for checkup.

    That sounds pretty good
    How are you?

    not too bad 🙂

    So, when are we going to have lunch again?


    Just say yes. I am a nice guy and we get along good.
    I have my own apartment, have filed for divorce. My counselor thinks I am not stuck anymore.
    Just have lunch and lets see what happens

    i already have too many guys saying the same thing… i feel overwhelmed and unmotivated

    Just wanted you to know I still like you
    So have fun with the boys.

    thanks, that feels nice to hear

    But, I would like to see if we can have a relationship when you are ready.
    You have been a good friend, even when you have had to get tough with me.
    We can make each other laugh
    And I am not sure how hot all the other guys are but we did pretty good when we were face to face with the electricity 🙂
    So, if you want to go out let me know. If you want to kiss and see if you hear violins, let me know
    But I think you like the boys.
    You are sexy
    Like me, you like to flirt

    what boys?

    all the other guys you said are saying similar things to me.
    all the other guys that want to date you.

    i’m not crazy about any of them

    except me, of course

    so you think i like to flirt???

    I mean seriously, how many of them have you sent a picture of you in your orange nightshirt?
    Well, I know you are good at flirting.
    whether you like to or not, I can’t be sure.
    But, you are totally good at it.

    apparently i do it without realizing it

    That is part of your charm
    and part of your sex appeal


    Did I mention that I am a very open person?


    sometimes, too open for my own good

    yes you mentioned that a time or two

    Hey, at least you get to know me.
    I am reading the book Boundaries right now
    It is helping

    so are you finding some others to date?

    I have had a few first dates.

    that’s good

    Some where I was workign way too hard to keep the conversation going.
    Some where there was no electricity
    One girl I dated for two months
    But then she ended it.


    told me I was her “rebound guy” and she found someone else.
    That’s nice to hear.

    so maybe she was your rebound girl

    Ok. I am buying that. Now you don’t have to worry. Let’s have lunch or dinner
    (see how smoothly I did that)


    Well, think about it Lucy

    i’m booking for June now lol

    We got along very well when we were face to face
    sometimes instant message is not the best medium
    booking for June?
    Meet me for dessert tonight at the place where we met the last time.
    Then, you can cancel all those guys by the weekeend.
    and you don’t hve to have an appointment schedule anymore
    You just have to have me practice using the trapeze in the bedroom 😉

    i’m not going to date anyone exclusively until the right guy proposes

    proposes? proposes marriage?


    I didnt think you were divorced?

    what’s that got to do with it?

    How can I propose marriage if you aren’t divorced?
    Anyway, I was teasing when I was saying about canceling the other guys and the trapeze

    didn’t you see “sweet home alabama”?

    But, I would like to go on a couple actual dates with you so we see what happens.
    a movie
    a walk
    a kiss good night
    See what we think
    We did wellin person the first time.
    We have been friends for a while
    So think about it.
    Please, my lady

    well, i pretty much go by what i feel, not think

    That’s good.
    So, meet me again.
    Cause one of the things I have learned from the other first dates, we had electricity
    I could see it in your face and your body language.
    I can see when it is there and when it isn’t there.
    and it isn’t like we cant talk, debate, argue, laugh
    We do that stuff pretty good too Even through this silly instant message.

    i feel a bit uncomfortable and curious reading that


    about electricity

    may not be the right word
    didn’t mean for you to feel uncomfortable

    not quite sure what you mean by what you wrote

    When we had lunch that day
    your face was all lit up
    your eyes were very bright
    you had a great smile
    I have been on first dates where the other perosn looked excited
    and where the other person looked not excited
    maybe excited is a better word?
    like you were enjoying being with me
    is that a better way to express it?

    “enjoying being with me” feelss most accurate

    Cool Thanks.
    Anyway, I am glad that C is ok
    Is she in college this semester?

    she will be
    is home on break now

    Oh yeah. When do they go back?

    she goes back the 16th

    Good you have some more time together before the semester
    I hope you decide to schedule me into your date book.
    We had fun that day
    I would like to see you again and see what happens.

    well maybe if i feel motivated at some point

    Well, if you aren’t motivated, we can just do lunch some day or go to the mall together the next time you have to run errands.
    Doesnt have to be a big production.
    coffee is always nice as well.
    What’s happening this evening? Is there a show you like to watch?

    might play scrabble with my son
    and go to bed early
    since i didn’t sleep well past two nights

    fun 🙂
    why not?

    it just happens sometimes

    Me too. I have been waking up every two hours until the last two nights.
    Two nights ago I only woke up once
    last night, I could not get to sleep until after 3
    then a cata was meowing outside my window at 6 to wake me up

    The part about “electricity” felt very Ewww to me bc I really didn’t feel Any chemistry or “electricity” when I had lunch with him and it felt weird having him think I did based on his observations of me.

    That happens with everyone — it’s not “electricity” Between us, it’s just my own sparkle. It’s not bc I am with a particular guy.

    I feel kinda sad. I don’t want interactions like this.

    I’m also afraid to post this bc I feel afraid of feeling attacked instead of gently helped. But I would like gentle insights, if you please. Thank you.

  123.  #127Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Holy cow, that was long! Sorry!

  124.  #128Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    MacKenzie, Rori says we can choose One to have sex with and not the others if we want, so I would think the same concept could be applied to only kissing one. Especially for someone like me, who is planning to wait til marriage for sex.

  125.  #129MacKenzie on January 6, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Lucy, thank you for reminding me of that. I also found your IM thing very interesting. I thought you handled it really well and didn’t understand your discomfort until you said you didn’t feel any electricity for him. I’ve had that happen a lot too!!! Guys assume that chemistry is happening when it really isn’t for me. I like that you said it was your own sparkle because that helped me explain why it was happening. I wondered if the guy’s ego was just that big that he thought girls always just fell for him because I really didn’t think I was doing anything to give him that feeling. Anyway, why do you think you feel sad? I feel like the ewwwww comes from feeling like they are being more forward and presuming more than they should be. I feel that way too a lot. And, it feels almost controlling to me because they sort of put you on the spot without first confirming that you really did feel that way. They make it more of a fact than a question.

  126.  #130Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Thanks, Mackenzie. It feels better to hear that you have experienced the same thing and clearly know exactly what I am talking about!

    “And, it feels almost controlling to me because they sort of put you on the spot without first confirming that you really did feel that way. They make it more of a fact than a question.”

    YES. I sorta feel violated or something by it. Kinda like if a guy is trying to have sex with you and you don’t want it, and he’s saying, “Come on, baby, you know you want it. I can tell you do…”


    So, how to express that feeling in a non-blaming way???

    And about the sadness…. I don’t know why I feel sad… I guess it feels sad that this guy wants me and I don’t want him … bc I so much want to have my The One in my life… and it feels sad that I am getting what I don’t want instead of what I do want.

  127.  #131MacKenzie on January 6, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    YES. I was trying to articulate feeling violated in a way. Exactly what you said. It makes me feel very unimportant too because they feel that they can presume so much. And I feel sad a lot too for the same reason. Here’s what I feel good about:

    1. I AM feeling sad (I have opened up my heart enough to have these feelings). Remember, Rori said you have to get down in the “soup”. You have to feel the lows to feel the highs. I find myself crying out loud by myself now sometimes and I didn’t use to do that so much. When this happens I view it as progress.

    2. Rori said by having an open heart you are actually protecting your heart more because your radar will be working. Your radar is working when you feel the ewwwww.

    3. Every time I say no to one of these guys I’m opening the door for someone new to walk in that’s better and someday he will be the right one. In the past you might have fallen for this guy or spent too much of your valuable time on him simply because of how much he liked you. And they ARE walking in the door, much better guys.

    I hope this makes you feel less sad :-).

    I’m not ignoring your question about how to express your feelings in a nonblaming way. I’m having the same trouble with someone I just broke it off with for this very reason. He presumed way too much and didn’t seem to want to know how I felt. I never could say that to him because I was afraid of offending him or hurting his feelings or sounding too self-important.

  128.  #132Lucy on January 6, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    thx, Mackenzie, that does help me feel better – especially #2! About hurting their feelings – we’re not sposed to be concerned about that yet we Are sposed to be nonblaming, so knowing what exactly to say in this sitaution feels tricky. Maybe other sirens can help….

  129.  #133MacKenzie on January 6, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Btw, I felt violated for you when he mentioned the trapeze in the bedroom. I felt that wasn’t really appropriate given the circumstances. Too forward. I met a guy recently that I’m attracted to but a recent text is bothering me. I only went out with him once and it was for breakfast. He kissed me goodbye at my car. I wasn’t really expecting it. I recently got a text….

    Him: question
    Him: do you always kiss with your eyes open?

    (I felt icky getting this text, like it was too forward and I felt criticized in a way)

    after thinking about it and not wanting to answer his question, I said

    Me: Maybe you will just have to answer that one yourself

    He went on to say that he normally closed his but he peeked and saw that I had my eyes open. I actually didn’t remember that I did but it was the morning and I wasn’t expecting it. I just felt weird that he was even bringing it up. Why bring it up???

    Does anyone feel like I’m having an odd reaction? I actually hope so because I am otherwise attracted to him and have hopes that things might move forward but that text sort of bothers me as I’m not sure my Mr Ride Off into the Sunset would send a text like that.

  130.  #134Katnina on January 6, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Marina, I love the ‘party ready’ house idea!
    I have a hard time keeping my apartment in an unmessy state. It’s clean just messy. I love this party-ready idea bc it will inspire me to keep my apartment in order. I want to have a party for myself every day in my apartment! It feels better when things are in their places.

  131.  #135Leo on January 6, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    gosh I feel so great right now and so incredibly proud of me and my Man 😀

    So last night happened something big for me.
    I try to turn off my ICQ during the day a lot more often (when I am studying, reading, eating exercising…) cause my Man was used to me being available all the time…
    So it was turned off all night. He had is daughter over and they were watching a movie.
    Then I decided to go to bed. During the past 2 or 3 days I sent him a good-night-text and he wrote back where he was offering me to call me in the morning, and he did. Was sooo awesome cause I was still laying in bed all tired, it felt so good to hear him.

    So last night when I decided to go to bed I took my cell and put some words in there I intended to send him. I reread them and didnt feel good about them. They just felt wrong…they didnt express what I was feeling. Then I tried to feel what I was feeling, and it was not “sending him a message in order to get one back”. I felt embarrassed somehow…
    Then I put the phone down !!!!!!!! I did NOT text him. And…. i turned around walked away for 2 seconds and then my cell rang. He called me… I felt so happy.
    And he wants to call me tomorrow.
    I feel thrilled!
    And happy for leaning back, not sending him a message. Cause… if I would have sent it, the thought to call me might not even have developed! Cause I was “available” AGAIN.

    Sometimes my nasty voice tells me this is game-playing, this “turning off icq” and ” not texting him”.

    Well f**k you NV.
    Cause you know what?

    I will not do anything that doesnt make me feel good. I rather play any game that makes me feel thrilled and happy and great!!!!!!!!! 😀 😀 😀

  132.  #136Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    @44 and Dorthea’s question about how to answer a man who asks what your other plans are. This is a great question and I like SLV’s idea to tell him I’m going out with a friend or out to play. I spontaneously answered, “Oh, I’m going on a date, I mean, that’s why I’m on this site!” one time. He never called again. LOL. I am so finding that men don’t like to share. And women that I talk with about CDing, say at work, also tell me that I can’t do that and that I’ll never find men who will cooperate it. I tell them that I know women who it has worked for, but truth is, I’m feeling nervous about letting my CDs know that my plans are with a different man. It really is none of their business, unless we’re engaged, but still, what to say feels tricky.

  133.  #137Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    that was fun

    i feel scared. i don’t want to break any hearts. feeling grateful that we’re all in our 20s…makes it a little easier like…whoevers heart i break, they’ll have lots of time to get over it.

    oh god that felt good to go out with him though. and kiss him! i don’t feel guilty about kissing him. the guilt is just in going out with him in the first place.

    yum. and eep!

  134.  #138Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Nancy, all the women I know are shocked at my approach to dating. and the men do not like it. but i’ve never ever ever ever EVER had a man actually stop seeing me over it. they’ll grumble maybe…but they’ll still call.

  135.  #139Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    After giving BF of 2.5 yrs the no GF speech and having him drop out of my life though I left the door open also has me feeling nervous about the above @136. And the first man I started dating after that retreated for about a month when I told him I plan to casually date until I’m engaged. He’s back, but he has downgraded me to “just someone to go out with and have fun with and if something happens it does and if it doesn’t it doesn’t”, whereas before, he was talking marriage and rings and dangling ALL the carrots. The good news is that he’s back. But this feels so tricky to me. I hope it gets better as I get more CDing under my belt.

  136.  #140Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    to be fair, i dont tell them “oh i am going out with another guy.” i tell them when it comes up that i don’t want to be exclusive and why that is.

  137.  #141Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    So Dorthea, what do you tell them? Maybe I need to make some adjustments. I’m having a different experience and I tend to be pretty honest and direct.

  138.  #142Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I like that better, it’s a bit softer and a little more “through the side door”. I just know they’re going to ask me if that means I’m dating other men, though. Hahaha.

  139.  #143Brenda on January 6, 2011 at 11:42 pm


    My parents gave me this precious Dr. Seuss book, “Happy Birthday to You!” when I was 5 years old, and it is one of my favorite children’s books! This book made birthdays become so magical and special to me:

    I wish we could do what they do in Katroo.
    They sure know how to say “Happy Birthday to You!”

    In Katroo, every year, on the day you were born
    They start the day right in the bright early morn
    When the Birthday Honk-Honker hikes high up Mt. Zorn
    And lets loose a big blast on the big Birthday Horn.
    And the voice of the horn calls out loud as it plays:
    “Wake Up! For today is your Day of all Days!”

    Then, the moment the Horn’s happy honk-honk is heard,
    Comes a fluttering flap-flap! And then comes THE BIRD!

    The Great Birthday Bird!
    And, so far as I know,
    Katroo is the only place Birthday Birds grow.
    This bird has a brain. He’s most beautifully brained
    With the brainiest bird-brain that’s ever been trained.
    He was trained by the most splendid Club in this nation,
    The Katroo Happy Birthday Asso-see-eye-ation.
    And, whethere your name is Pete, Polly or Paul,
    When your birthday comes round, he’s in charge of it all.

    Whether your name is Nate, Nelly or Ned,
    He knows your address, and he heads for your bed.
    You hear a soft swoosh in the brightening sky.
    You are not all awake. But you open one eye.
    Then over the housetops and trees of Katroo,
    YOu see that bird coming! To you. Just to you!

    That bird pops right in! You are up on your feet!
    You jump to the window! You meet and you greet With the Secret Katroo birthday
    Hi-Sign-and-Shake that only good people with birthdays may make. You do it
    just so. With each finger and toe. Then the bird says, “Come on!
    Brush your teeth and let’s go! It’s your day of all days! It’s the Best of
    the Best! So don’t waste a minute! Hop to it! Get Dressed!

    And five minutes later, you’re having a snack on your way
    out of town on a Smorgasbord’s back. “Today,” laughs the Bird “eat whatever
    you want. Today no one tells you you cawnt or you shawnt. And,
    today, you don’t have to be tidy or neat. If you wish, you may eat with
    both hands and both feet. So get in there and munch. Have a big
    munch-er-oo! Today is your birthday! Today you are

    If we didn’t have birthdays, you wouldn’t be you.
    If you’d never been born, well then what would you do? If you’d never been
    born, well then what would you be? you might be a fish! Or a toad in a
    tree! You might be a doorknob! or three baked potatoes! You might be a bag full
    of hard green tomatoes. Or worse then all that… Why, you might be a WASN’T! A
    Wasn’t has no fun at all. No, he doesn’t. A wasn’t just isn’t. He
    just isn’t present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn’t that

    So we’ll go to the top of their toppest blue space, The
    Official Katroo Birthday Sounding-Off Place! Come on! Open your mouth and sound
    off at the sky! Shout loud at the top of your voice, “I AM I! ME! I am I!
    and I may not know why but I know that I like it. Three cheers! I am

    And now, on this Day of all Days in Katroo, The
    Asso-see-eye-ation had built just for you a railway with very particular boats
    that are pulled through the air bu Funicular Goats. These goats never
    slip, never trip, never bungle. They’ll take us down fast t the Birthday
    Flower Jungle. The best-sniffing flowers that anyone grows we have grown t
    be sniffed by your own private nose.

    They smell like licorice! And cheese! Send forty Who-Bubs
    up the trees to snip with snippers! nip with nippers! Clip and clop with
    clapping clippers. Nip and snip with clipping cloppers! Snip and snop with
    snipping snoppers! All for you, the Who-Bubs clip! Happy Birthday! Nop and

    Then pile the wonderous-smelling stacks on fifty
    Hippo-Heimer’s backs! They’ll take those flowers all home for you. You can
    keep the Hippo-Heimers too.

    While this is done, I’ve got a hunch it’s time to eat our
    Birthday Lunch…

    For Birthday luncheons, as a rule, we serve hot dogs,
    rolled on a spool. So stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff
    till you’ve had enough.

    Now, of course, we’re all mustard, so, one of the rules
    is to wash it all off in the Mustard-Off Pools. Which are very fine
    warm-water mountaintop tubs which were built, just for this, by the mustard-Off

    Then, out of the water! Sing loud while you dry! Sing
    loud, “I am lucky!” Sing loud, “I am I!”

    If you’d never been born, then you might be an ISN’T! An
    Isn’t has no fun at all. No he disn’t. He never has birthdays, and that
    isn’t pleasant. You have to be born , or you don’t get a present. A
    Present! A-ha! Now what kind shall I give…? Why, the kind you’ll
    remember as long as you live!

    Would you like a fine pet? Well, that’s just what you’ll
    get. I’ll get you the fanciest pet ever yet! As you see we have here,
    in the heart of our nation The Official Katroo Birthday Pet Reservation.
    From east of the East-est to west of the West-est, we’ve searched the whole world
    just to bring you the best-est. They come in all sizes… small, medium,
    tall. If you wish, I will find you the tallest of all!

    To find who’s the tallest we start with the
    We start with the smallest. Then what do we do? We
    line them all up. Back to back. Two by two. Taller and taller. And, when
    we are through, we finally will find one’s who’s taller then who. But you have to be smart and keep watching their feet.
    Because sometimes they stand on their tiptoes and cheat.

    And so, from the smaller we stack them up taller. And
    taller. And taller. And taller and taller. And now! Here’s the one who’s taller
    then all-er! He’s yours. He’s all yours. He’s the very top tallest. I know
    you’ll enjoy him. The tallest of all-est! I’ll have him shipped home
    to you, Birthday Express. That costs quite a lot. But I couldn’t care
    less. Today is your Birthday! Today You are You! So what if it costs me a
    thousand or two.

    Today is your birthday! You get what you wish. You
    also might like a nice Time-Telling Fish. So I’ll send Diver Getz and I’ll
    send Diver Gitz deep under the sea in their undersea kits. In all the wide
    world there are no better pets than the Time-Telling Fish that Gitz gits and
    Getz gets.

    But, speaking of time… Why, good gracious alive! That
    Time-Telling Fish says it’s quarter to five! I had no idea it was getting
    s late! We have to get going! We have a big date!

    And so, as the sunset burns red in the west, comes the
    night of the Day-of-of-the-Best-of-the-Best! The
    Night-of-All-Nights-of-All-Nights in Katroo! So, according to rule, what
    we usually do Is saddle up two Hooded Klopfers named Alice and gallop like
    mad to the Birthday Pal-alace. Your Big Birthday Party soon starts to
    begin. In the finest Pal-alace you’ve ever been in!

    Now this Birthday Pal-alace, as soon you will see, has
    exactly nine thousand, four hundred and three Rooms to play games in! Twelve
    halls for brass bands! Not counting the fifty-three hamburger stands. And
    besides all of that, there are sixty-five roms just for keeping the
    Sweeping-Up-Afterwards-Brooms. Because, after your party, as well you may
    guess, it will take twenty days just to sweep up the mess.

    First, we’re greeted by Drummers who drum as they
    come. And next come the Strummers who strum as then come. And the
    Drummers who drum and Strummers who strum Are followed by Zummers who come as
    they zum. Just look at those Zummers! they’re sort of like plumbers.
    They come along humming, with heads in their plumbing and that makes the music
    that Zummers call zumming!

    And all of this beautiful zumming and humming and
    plumbing and strumming and drumming and coming…. all of it, all of it, All
    is for you!

    LOOK! Dr. Derring’s Singing Herrings! Derring’s Singing,
    Spelling Herrings! See what Derring’s Herring’s do! They sing and spell it! All
    for you! And here comes your cake! Cooked by Snookers and Snookers, The official
    Katroo Happy Birthday Cake Cookers. And Snookers and Snookers, I’m happy
    to say are the only cake cookers who cook cakes today made of guaranteed,
    certified strictly Grade-A Peppermint cucumber sausage-paste butter! And the
    world’s finest cake slicers, Dutter and Dutter and Dutter and Dutter, with
    hatchets a-flutter, High up on the poop deck, stand ready to cut her.

    Today you are you! That is truer then true! There is
    no one alive who is you-er then you! Shout loud, “I am lucky to be what I am!
    Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or a ham or a dusty old jar of sour
    gooseberry jam! I am what I am! That’s a great thing to be! If I say so

    Now, by Horseback and Bird-back and Hiffer-back too,
    come your friends! All your friends! From all over Katroo! And the Birthday
    Pal-alace heats up with hot friends and your party goes on! On and on
    till it ends.

    When it ends, you’re much happier, richer and
    fatter. And the Bird flies you home on a very soft

    So that’s what the Birthday Bird does in Katroo.
    And I wish I could do all those great things
    for YOU!”

  140.  #144Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    nancy, rori doesn’t necessarily insist that her approach requires an engagement. just marriage on the table if that works for you. So if a man is formally and clearly requesting exclusivity because he wants to move towards an engagement, and it feels good to you, then go for it.

    for me, a month would be too soon.

    also, LI (the guy I feel guilty about cuz i went out with someone else and it felt good) dumped me a bazillion times recently so for him, I wouldn’t get exclusive without a ring and if i felt really good about it. but for a different man, I might feel good about getting exclusive with marriage simply on the table, and not an actual proposal.

  141.  #145Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    Dorthea, I’m glad you enjoyed your yummy date. Give that guilt a cookie.

    Brenda, if it’s your b’day, Happy Birthday!

    I’m feeling so sleepy. Nitey nite.

  142.  #146Nancy on January 6, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    Dorthea, it was waaaaaaaaaay too soon. I had known him all of a week. Yikes.

    Ok, g’night.

  143.  #147Dorothea on January 6, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    Jennifer helped me with this one:
    “I’m taking the time to decide what I want”
    This takes care of the ones who want you all to themselves after a month of them being infatuated with you.

    I will also use this with LI.

    ohhhh i feel bad and weird. i don’t want to hurt him. I feel scared that I am more turned on by this other guy right now.

  144.  #148Leo on January 7, 2011 at 2:13 am

    Lately, I think a lot about the time with my Man when he was still chasing me. I know he loves me, he truely does. But I like being wanted and a little chased.

    I always try to connect it to things I learned on here. And one thing is the CDing. I was such a busy person back then… Had swim meets on the weekends, during the week I had school, 3 times a week swim practice, guitar lesson, on afternoon at my grandma’s. I mean… that was a busy schedule. I kinda was CDing myself.

    Now this is harder after I moved. Dont have swim practice anymore, dont have my teaching-lesson with the little kids anymore, no guitar lesson, no grandma meeting, and less friends to go out with.
    I do have my sport but I either do it at home or outside (race biking) but no “scheduled” times… so I always look(ed) at “when does he have time?” and according to that I put my activities.
    Another problem is that in the Uni where I work a bit and, well, of course, study, I got the Instant messanger…

    First: NO IMing in the uni.
    second: scheduling my practice times on the weekend (until I find regular times that work) so that I will be busy at times again!
    third: going out swimming again on a weekly basis at an appointed time (i will be out of the house more again!)
    forth: less being online on IM at home, just when I really aint doing anything else.
    fifth: trying to find someone(woman/man) I can go biking in the upcoming season, so I dont have to practice alone but am not depended on my Man
    sixth: looking at my schedule first (always) and doing things when I think its convenient to ME to do them.

    baby-steps: I will be happy for every on I accomplish!

  145.  #149Leo on January 7, 2011 at 2:15 am

    typo: *dependent on…

  146.  #150Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 3:21 am

    This sounds great, Leo!

  147.  #151Taz on January 7, 2011 at 6:14 am

    I feel love for this post.

    I have recently rediscovered my feminine energy and it feels great. Sometimes I have men following me around like puppies, especially with the feeling messages. I was surprised that feeling messages work through text also. I had a man flirting through text because of feeling messages 🙂

  148.  #152Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:20 am

    @136: Nancy says:
    “…This is a great question and I like SLV’s idea to tell him I’m going out with a friend or out to play…”

    Hi Nancy. I meant ‘I’m going *to* a play’ — there are a lot of theaters where I live and this is common. I’m not sure what I actually wrote… but “I’m going out to play” sounds good too. I like it; it’s kind of frisky so I’ll keep that in mind for my friskier convos. 😀


  149.  #153Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:31 am

    @139: Nancy says:
    “…downgraded me to “just someone to go out with and have fun with and if something happens it does and if it doesn’t it doesn’t”, whereas before, he was talking marriage and rings and dangling ALL the carrots. The good news is that he’s back. But this feels so tricky to me….”

    If you ask me, well you didn’t, 😀 but if the ring isn’t actually in his hand or we are both in the jewelry store…it’s all the same as if guy hadn’t mentioned “ring.”

    And…he’s back… 😉

    I like you, you’ve got spunk. All the best.


  150.  #154Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:39 am

    @143: Brenda says:

    I’m catching up on posts. Was yesterday January 6th your birthday, or today January 7th? Either way:

    Happy Birthday, Brenda!

    If neither day, OK, celebrate the whole year, give yourself a little treat on the number day of your birth each month.


  151.  #155Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:39 am

    @143: Brenda says:

    I’m catching up on posts. Was yesterday January 6th your birthday, or today January 7th? Either way:

    Happy Birthday, Brenda!

    If neither day, OK, celebrate the whole year, give yourself a little treat on the number day of your birth each month.


  152.  #156Brenda on January 7, 2011 at 6:45 am

    January 7th is my birthday! I don’t understand why it’s not a national holiday! 🙂

  153.  #157Brenda on January 7, 2011 at 6:45 am


    Thank you!

  154.  #158Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:46 am

    @147: Dorothea says:
    “Jennifer helped me with this one:
    ‘I’m taking the time to decide what I want’ ”

    Ooooo, thanks. That’s good for a lot of things… it even fits what I’m doing right now.


  155.  #159Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 6:53 am


    I’m wondering how I made TWO birthday posts to you at same time… The Birthday Fairy probably didn’t know if it was January 6th or January 7th.

    teehee, 😆


  156.  #160marina on January 7, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Hi Dear Brenda!

    Happy Birthday to you!!!!

    Chronia Polla!!!
    Van harte gefeliciteerd!!!

    XXX, Marina

  157.  #161Leo on January 7, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Happy Birthday Brenda!

    Or in German:

    Alles Gute zum Geburtstag! 😉

  158.  #162marina on January 7, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Re Katnina #154

    Yeah, I always had a very hard time keeping my house in order too, FLYLady saved my life!
    It all starts with shining your sink 😉

    Check out her website and start with the beginner babysteps:

    You can sign up for her daily newsletter or join The Flylady Facebook group too.

    She is very inspiring and encouraging 🙂

  159.  #163Leo on January 7, 2011 at 7:15 am

    I feel kinda stupid always writing about this IMing thing…
    But somehow it has gotten to a big thing in my relationship. (Well..it was for the both of us too, before we were together. I mean, he and I always had icq turned on all day even before we were a couple)

    But I feel so happy about not needing to do it anymore.
    Cause… it annoyed me more in the past months than it helped. Which prolly is my own fault … cause of my expectations I had.

    And I am gonna go shopping later on.
    I was pretty much studying all day and i got a little money left which I feel like spending on ME.
    I want a cute top and some nice lotion for my skin, just some treats.
    I will study till 6p.m.-ish and then go. So I wont be home till 8ish.
    And when I get home I will look at all the things I got for myself.

    in other words: I will be busy dating myself and enjoying myself – dont need him to be happy.

    Yes, I want him to make me happy. But this would just add to my happiness and not be the only reason for me to be happy!

    Feel great right now.
    I get some strength to do all this!

  160.  #164marina on January 7, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Well, I looked for a corset today for the Burlesque party tomorrow.

    I found only one, but it was not my size.

    So…I went to the lingerie and bought a beautiful black lacy bodystocking! Yum!

    I am not sure if I have the courage to wear it at the party (with a skirt or trousers)

    But I am def. going to wear it in the bedroom 😉

  161.  #165Leo on January 7, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Oh and yesterday something very funny happened.
    I was texting with a friend. We were talking about something we might wanna do for a couple weeks now. But he isnt sure if we/he should.

    So, yesterday when texting, I wrote something like
    “I feel sad. I am sad that you enjoy (=feeling) the idea of doing this but that you head (=thinking) is stopping you.”
    Then he just wrote back this kinda defensive “yeah, yeah…” blablabla thing.
    So i answered with: “I really dont want to talk you into this. I, personally, would just really enjoy this with you, and I just feel sad that its not happening. That’s all. Just wanted to be honest and let you know how i feel about this.”

    And then the most amazing answer came from him:
    “Gosh…did you think about changing your job to psychologist? Your reasoning is so…perfect. Some aspects combined with feelings. This really gets to me. And thats why I like you so much.”

    So… now I need to start this with my Man, too.
    My friend told me, I often reason like that and that he exactly loves that in me.

    But…maybe I am able to do it with him and not my Man cause I am not as afraid of losing him?!

    Awesome… I might not be able to fix the problems… but i notice them. First step 🙂
    So now I will start on fixing my behavior 😀

  162.  #166Brenda on January 7, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Marina and Leo,

    Thank you! Marina, what language is this?
    Chronia Polla!!! Van harte gefeliciteerd!!!

  163.  #167Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Found this in rori’s eletter to help me with my mindset for tomorrow’s date with scary lunch guy: “Who is this man and why is he here in front of me?” 🙂

  164.  #168Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Input desired: I will be making my divorce legal in the next few weeks and don’t know if I want to change back to my maiden name or not. Would feel good to have my own name that’s not attached to a failed marriage, but then it wouldn’t be the same name my kids have, and that feels kinda bad. 🙁 Any thoughts or experiences to share? thx.

  165.  #169tinque on January 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Lucy – When I divorced, I didn’t want to go back to my birth name because it felt like going backward plus I don’t like it, so I kept my married name. For awhile.

    Increasingly having that name felt bad to me, icky energy, so I legally changed my name using my middle name as my last name.

    It feels weird not having a middle name any more, but it feels SO much better.

    Do you have a middle name that sounds nice with your first name? Does this feel at all good to you?

    You can change your name to whatever at the time of the divorce, but if you wait as I did, it costs a lot of money, and you have to go to court.


  166.  #170Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Thanks, Tinque. Yes, the energy of keeping my married name feels bad… but I feel sad thinking of having a different name from my kids. Not sure what to do about that.

    I hear you about birth name feeling like going back, too. I kinda feel good about hitting a “restart” button, yet I’ve come to see my marriage not as a mistake really, but more of a part of my journey forward.

    My middle name would be weird as a last name — but I think yours works well that way. 🙂 Hey, maybe I’ll use yours! Lol. Jk.

  167.  #171Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @168: Lucy says:

    “Would feel good to have my own name that’s not attached to a failed marriage, but then it wouldn’t be the same name my kids have, and that feels kinda bad. Any thoughts or experiences to share? thx.”

    I use my married last name with my own first and other names (I have a few 😆 ) Even though I divorced, I never considered my marriage a failure; if nothing else I would not have my son. I am happy that we share the same last name.

    I’ve been a “Mrs.” all of my adult life; This *is* my name. It would feel odd becoming a “Miss”, I don’t even like “Ms.” I’ll stay a “Mrs.” the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll share a different surname with a sweetie in the future but for now I’m “Mistress” of my life.

    These are the social conventions:

    Miss Mary Jane Smith
    marries Mr. John Adam Doe

    She becomes Mrs. John Adam Doe or
    Mary Smith Doe or
    Ms. Mary Jane Doe

    She divorces becomes and becomes
    Mrs. Smith Doe (socially and formally)
    or as I usually use it informally:
    Mrs. Mary Smith Doe

    I had a very short marriage, but I never returned to “Miss” as it seemed, to me, inappropriate. I think it would be OK for a very young woman without children. …

    But Lucy, social ettiquette aside, you can use any name you want. I have business colleagues who use several names. I use different forms of my names for different things.

    I’ve always thought hyphenating surnames was a silly idea because most people do it wrong… 😆

    Just my ideas… Ultimately, do what makes you and your family happy.


  168.  #172Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks, SLV! Helpful insights and info!

    When I used the term “failed marriage” I only meant that the marriage didn’t last. I agree with you — my children were a wonderful result of that marriage. 🙂

    I wonder if I would feel good keeping my married surname and putting my middle name back into the equation.

    That is, now I am Lucy Smith Doe….

    Instead of returning to Lucy Ann Smith, I could be Lucy Ann Smith Doe.

    Putting my middle name back in dilutes the energy of the last name. Lol. Does it?? (laughing at myself)

    What do you think?

  169.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Lucy Ann Smith Doe

    Sounds cool to me! Mistress of you! I think your kids will like it too. I use something like that with “Mrs.”


  170.  #174Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    HI everyone – breaking news

    CD WaveMan is visiting for a date, long distance next week – only our second date but we’ve been in regular contact since first meeting before Christmas.

    By text, we’re talking about our relative heights. I said
    “I like tall men” [wish I’d put in a feeling message there, but too late now.

    He has just replied “You’re not really small. I think you’re a good height. If I ever get to hug you standing up, I’ll know for sure. And then perhaps you’ll keep me on my toes.”

    This makes me feel nervous, sparkly, excited, trembly and turned on. But I don’t want to reply in a way that leads him to expect more than I’m offering on this date. A hug, maybe even a kiss, would probably be fine, but I don’t want to second guess how the date goes.

    Anybody got any good feeling messages for this?

    All I can think of to write is something a bit jokey – like “Wait and see” or “You never know.” But I think this is a case for a feeling message!

  171.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:27 pm


    Fit all those names in there…like…

    Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis…

    It kind of tells a story, doesn’t it?


  172.  #176Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    174: Lorelei says:
    “He has just replied “You’re not really small. I think you’re a good height. If I ever get to hug you standing up, I’ll know for sure. And then perhaps you’ll keep me on my toes…”

    Sounds like a nice guy, witty too. 😀

    Did you mention height because he is shorter…or taller…than usual?


  173.  #177Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    from 174

    “Oh, *blushing* … I feel smiley and sparkly hearing that! But I would certainly hope to keep you on your toes!”

  174.  #178Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Hi SLV – we mentioned height because we were joking about his hairstyle, he mentioned a bald patch, I said I hadn’t noticed (truly – he’s got a good head of hair), then he said, “maybe if I was a little shorter” which led me to say ” I like tall men because I am small.”

    He is a nice guy, and witty too.

  175.  #179Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    he’s not short, and is tall, but not over 6 feet.

  176.  #180Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @178 Lorelei

    It sure sounds like fun. I think you could say anything. Just what you are feeling. I suppose you are thinking you want to have fun but not say anything that could be construed as suggestive?

    Like “I’d like to see you standing at attention…”

    I guess I’m being naughty…I just had a yogurt with some sugary fruit at the bottom, please excuse me. 😳


  177.  #181Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    @179: Lorelei says:
    “…he’s not short, and is tall, but not over 6 feet…”



  178.  #182Lorelei on January 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    SLV – LOL

  179.  #183Leo on January 7, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    My Man is 6,4 and I LOVE it. 😀 😀
    I am 5,6!

    I looove tall men!

  180.  #184Daria on January 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Happy Birthday Brenda!

    Sorry for dumping on you 🙁

    Today is my Name Day too… for my middle name… Ioana. Happy Name Day to me!

  181.  #185Daria on January 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Lorelei – I remember Rori says to use happy faces

    for me

    i’d put

    *blushy face*

    or *smily face*


    plain old “hehe”

  182.  #186Daria on January 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    feeling messages are good too!


    i feel smily thinking about it

    that would feel great

    i feel excited to see what tht will feel like


    what you wrote is great of course! 🙂

  183.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on January 7, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Rori’s new thread:

    How To Stop Protecting Yourself From Love

    Friday, 7 January 2011 @ 7:24am


  184.  #188Dorothea on January 7, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    LI dumped me today. He said thinking about me seeing other men tears him up and he dumped me. He didn’t ask me to stop seeing other people, he just dumped me. to make matters worse, it was over facebook IM. I can’t believe he wouldn’t come to me and COMMUNICATE that it was bothering him. He just dumped me. A few days ago he was saying he loved me more than life itself and wanted to do anything to make me happy. I guess this didn’t include giving me the time I needed to feel secure with him through consistent behavior that says he chooses me, or talking to me about being exclusive if that’s what he wanted. Because he had dumped me at least 5 times in one month around the holidays. I didn’t feel comfortable being exclusive with someone who tells me all the time they dont want me, and he certainly never asked me to be all his since then, but i am an adult and am capable of talking about anything, even if the outcome is not desirable.

    it was so mean and immature. he made me feel like a liar and a whore, when i haven’t been fooling around and i was very very clear and honest and said i was going to start dating other men. he unfriended me on facebook and told me to have a nice life. I’ve known him for two years and spent holidays with him, and now we’re not even on good terms? I didn’t do anything wrong! I was honest with him and i didn’t sleep around. Even if he was still going to not talk to me about wanting to be exclusive, he could have said “this isn’t working for me” and been kind to me, the woman he said he loved. but he threw me away like stinky garbage.

    it’s not like i went out to find his replacement. i just accepted invitations from other men. i guess because i have had to pursue him so much to get his attention initially and to keep him from dumping me (i totally begged like 5 times to not break up with me), he must assume that i am that forward with all men.

    but it turns out that there are lots of men out there who want to pursue ME. and i don’t do anything to get their attention. LI was the only one i was trying to build something with, with whom i put in effort and tried to do my part.

    i wanted things to work with him.

    i know i said last night here that i was scared i would break his heart.

    but him leaving me today made me see two things – 1. that i love how it feels when he is not fucking dumping me, and i wish i still had that today, and 2. he is mean and immature and has jerked me around way too much. It’s like…i feel glad i didn’t just get all exclusive and into him, because i had a suspicion this man i loved would throw me away again soon, so good thing i took care of myself and didn’t just assume exclusivity with a man who only makes an effort to tell me he doesn’t want me, not to make it clear in no uncertain terms that he wants me to himself.

    I wonder if he read what i was saying on this blog by cyber stalking me and that’s why he freaked out. This is my personal space to vent and think and feel and if that’s what happened, how could he not confront me directly? but he doesn’t strike me as the cyber stalking type.

    instead i get this …”i don’t want to see you cuz this thing bothers me,” even though he never tried to talk to me about it before lololol.

    he can say so strongly and so often that he doesn’t want me. but he doesn’t tell me “i want you all for myself.”

    What a jerk. This happened while i was at work and i spent half the day crying in the office bathroom.

    he did say we should talk in person but i told him to just spit it out, cuz i knew what was probably coming. i mean, it has been a month and 3 days since he last dumped me. he was overdue. hah.

    i feel so scared and sad. i can’t believe how many times i’ve let this man break my heart.

  185.  #189Dorothea on January 7, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    LI dumped me today. He said thinking about me seeing other men tears him up and he dumped me. He didn’t ask me to stop seeing other people, he just dumped me. to make matters worse, it was over facebook IM. I can’t believe he wouldn’t come to me and COMMUNICATE that it was bothering him. He just dumped me. A few days ago he was saying he loved me more than life itself and wanted to do anything to make me happy. I guess this didn’t include giving me the time I needed to feel secure with him through consistent behavior that says he chooses me, or talking to me about being exclusive if that’s what he wanted. Because he had dumped me at least 5 times in one month around the holidays. I didn’t feel comfortable being exclusive with someone who tells me all the time they dont want me, and he certainly never asked me to be all his since then, but i am an adult and am capable of talking about anything, even if the outcome is not desirable.

    it was so mean and immature. he made me feel like a liar and a whore, when i haven’t been fooling around and i was very very clear and honest and said i was going to start dating other men. he unfriended me on facebook and told me to have a nice life. I’ve known him for two years and spent holidays with him, and now we’re not even on good terms? I didn’t do anything wrong! I was honest with him and i didn’t sleep around. Even if he was still going to not talk to me about wanting to be exclusive, he could have said “this isn’t working for me” and been kind to me, the woman he said he loved. but he threw me away like stinky garbage.

    it’s not like i went out to find his replacement. i just accepted invitations from other men. i guess because i have had to pursue him so much to get his attention initially and to keep him from dumping me (i totally begged like 5 times to not break up with me), he must assume that i am that forward with all men.

    but it turns out that there are lots of men out there who want to pursue ME. and i don’t do anything to get their attention. LI was the only one i was trying to build something with, with whom i put in effort and tried to do my part.

    i wanted things to work with him.

    i know i said last night here that i was scared i would break his heart.

    but him leaving me today made me see two things – 1. that i love how it feels when he is not f*cking dumping me, and i wish i still had that today, and 2. he is mean and immature and has jerked me around way too much. It’s like…i feel glad i didn’t just get all exclusive and into him, because i had a suspicion this man i loved would throw me away again soon, so good thing i took care of myself and didn’t just assume exclusivity with a man who only makes an effort to tell me he doesn’t want me, not to make it clear in no uncertain terms that he wants me to himself.

    I wonder if he read what i was saying on this blog by cyber stalking me and that’s why he freaked out. This is my personal space to vent and think and feel and if that’s what happened, how could he not confront me directly? but he doesn’t strike me as the cyber stalking type.

    instead i get this …”i don’t want to see you cuz this thing bothers me,” even though he never tried to talk to me about it before lololol.

    he can say so strongly and so often that he doesn’t want me. but he doesn’t tell me “i want you all for myself.”

    What a jerk. This happened while i was at work and i spent half the day crying in the office bathroom.

    he did say we should talk in person but i told him to just spit it out, cuz i knew what was probably coming. i mean, it has been a month and 3 days since he last dumped me. he was overdue. hah.

    i feel so scared and sad. i can’t believe how many times i’ve let this man break my heart.

  186.  #190Dorothea on January 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    i feel ashamed and awful. he was effed up to me but i was effed up too. i am not perfect. i feel embarrassed for being imperfect.

    i feel embarrassed for worrying so much about a man who told me he didn’t want me all the time.

    i feel embarrassed because the only reason i started dating other men was to keep myself sane if i was going to keep seeing him.

    i wanted things to work:(

    i didn’t want to end our beautiful love on such an unfriendly note.

    we said we wished each other well but that was the only nice thing.

    i think there is another girl he is interested in, and if he doesn’t learn to open up his mouth and communicate, he is going to have the same problems over and over. i feel sorry for him. i feel really sorry for myself.

    me and my broken heart. shattered in pieces.

    the guy i went out with last night heard LI dumped me and called me. He said “out with the old and in the with the new.” Such an opportunist haha.

    I wish it were that easy.

    What a jerk.

  187.  #191marina on January 7, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Hi Dear Sirens!

    Chronia Polla is Greek, it means literally ‘Many Years’, you say this with birthdays, namedays, new years etc.

    Van harte gefeliciteerd is Dutch and means I congratulate you!

    I just had a wonderful evening.
    A climbing girl friend of mine is getting married with her sweetie the 1st of June this year.

    I love them both, they are such sweet people and such a sweet couple!
    Very good example of what a healthy relationship is like 😉

    It makes me feel extra happy to see her like this, bc, her previous boyfriend died in an accident and she was devastated.

    She tried on her bridal make up, wow, she never wears make up and now she was even more beautiful. Like an Asian princess.
    The make up artist also gave the rest of us make up tips 🙂

    My Mum and her best friend were there as well, and it was just fun fun fun, felt good to be there together, a bit like with Sirens on this blog 🙂

    Love to you all!
    I am gonna read Rori’s new post!

  188.  #192marina on January 7, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Oh Dorothea 🙁


    That sounds awful. He seems to be playing with you. He seems to feel less for you than you for him.

    I feel glad that you already started to CD…

    Take your time, I think you deserve much better than this.


  189.  #193Dorothea on January 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Thank you Marina
    i feel so confused because he acted like i was the queen of the universe…except for when he was dumping me all the time. it was mixed signals to the max.

    i don’t know what he expected of me.

    I wanted at least a solid 2 or 3 months without being dumped before i got exclusive with him.

    he made it one month and 3 days.

  190.  #194Dorothea on January 7, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    my new date guy is coming over right now despite my objections. he hears i am upset and wants to be there for me even if it means hearing about another dude i love.

    that is incredible to me.

    he really persisted and insisted and is coming over here whether i like it or not.

    i feel weird crying to him about another man i love, but i need a friend so i am going to see how i feel when he gets here. he says it doesn’t matter if that’s what i’m upset about, upset is upset.

    LI said he thought i was going to other men for comfort when we fought. i was not. no no no. i respected him more than that. but he threw me away and one man’s trash is another man’s treasure it seems.

    i feel so ridiculously sad.

  191.  #195Sweetpea on January 7, 2011 at 7:55 pm


    So sorry you’re hurting.

    I don’t know if this will make you feel better or not, but I can tell you that I did the same thing LI has done to you with the last guy I dated and cared about. I suspect he’ll be apologizing to you in no time and will be sincere about it.

    For me, it’s just fear. I was afraid he was going to hurt me because I cared about him and he could so I was trying to “cut my losses.” Sounds like LI is in the same place. He’s hurting and dumping you to try to keep from being devastated when you (he surmises) dump him because you’ve met someone you like better (in his mind).

    Or maybe he’s just a jerk. Either way, I feel for you sista! Sending happy thoughts your way.

  192.  #196Lucy on January 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Dorothea, how are you feeling now? Did the new guy come over? Love and hugs to you, sweetie. <3

  193.  #197Daria on January 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Dorothea – hugs. He can’t dump you because he’s only a guy you are dating… So there’s biting for him to dump. He either steps up or gets mad and says stuff that feels bad and that isn’t asking u out for a nice date…

    But dumping is impossible as much as he may want to imagine it is. He’s just saying: I won’t ask you on a date again!

    Which sounds silly …

    Hope u feel better …

  194.  #198Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 2:11 am

    yeah the other guy came over. he was incredibly supportive and let me just feel sad and cry. I didn’t badmouth LI to him (would never do that).

    he brought me whiskey (really didnt drink it though) and took me for chinese food and then to look at the stars. it was nice and really helped me to stop bawling my eyes out. now that i think about it, it is sweet that he took me to do things that i would have chosen for myself. he is a good guesser.

    he understands that i have spent a lot of time with LI and that i am in love with him. the only thing he asked me near the end of the night is if i thought LI would come back into my life. Fair enough.

    At least he freaking ASKS when he is concerned he won’t be the only guy trying to talk to me. Jeez, communication.

    I am going to be ok, but i might be back later this weekend all crying and weepy eyed. Daria, I dig what you’re saying about him being another guy saying he wasn’t going to ask me out on dates anymore, and that’s silly, yes! But we both know it wasn’t so simple. I feel devastated that I allowed myself to be heartbroken yet again, and so soon after the last time he did it. I feel pretty amazed by how he did this today, but the truth is I DID put myself there for him to do this to over and over. I don’t really feel like being mad at myself though. That feels boring. And I don’t really want to be mad at LI either, I just don’t want to ever have to explain again why dumping me over and over is not ok, why not communicating there’s a problem until dumping me is not ok, etc. it feels tiring. if it makes him feel like less of a complete and total douchebag to come at me like i’m some sort of liar and a whore, so be it. whatever helps him get up the guts to leave someone he doesn’t actually love. how awful it must be to be compelled to treat a woman like the most valuable thing in the world when really he never wanted me for more than a few weeks at a time.

  195.  #199Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 2:14 am

    Also, it wasn’t him just saying he won’t ask me out again. it was him acting like i was some slut of a woman when i am not! and unfriending me on facebook and parting suddenly and through IM and not on very good terms.

    wtf? after all this time, and all we’d been through, i deserved better. instead he treated me like i was being a monster.

    it feels upsetting to have a friend turn on me like this.

  196.  #200Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I wish I had someone to talk to about being dumped. I think most of my friends are tired of it, as this is the 6th time in a couple of months that he’s dumped me.

    I feel abandoned

  197.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 11:14 am


    Would if help to do some flips and riffing according to those three Rori posts in LonePlum’s links?

    😳 almost forgot to spread them out…


    Part One

    Get The Love You Want Instead Of Solving Problems – The FLIP


  198.  #202Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 11:15 am

  199.  #203Senior Lady Vibe on January 8, 2011 at 11:16 am

  200.  #204Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    thank you slv:)
    i am going for a run. and then meeting my girl friend for yummy organic vegetarian food.

    i was changing into my running clothes and caught myself int he mirror in a sports bra and panties…and i look so good. i have been losing weight since changing my diet and eliminating toxins so my cellulite is disappearing.

    i don’t think there’s anything in life i can’t overcome.

    it’s interesting how this new guy seems less desirable now that LI is out of my life. sooo interesting. I am learning!

  201.  #205Daria on January 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Dorothea – I’m hearing a lot of melodrama in the thought department – attaches to the pain.

    I think if u keep your vibe steadily fertile, this ‘dumping’ which is impossible for him will cease and you’ll see u don’t want a mam to throw attacking tantrums around you and you will share that and everything will heal up nice

    And into a new level.

    That’s what I want to happen in a feel good way but other ferrlgood options are invited too.

  202.  #206Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Hi Daria! Ohh, thank you for responding to my posts. I feel a little shaky and it’s nice to have people addressing my own unique pain.

    It feels good to get the melodrama out in a safe place like this. You know I dated him and was in love with him for so long and it was intense. I don’t feel critical of my melodrama:). This is the time to get it out. I don’t want to carry it for too long or into my next relationship either.

    Don’t worry, I don’t want what he was offering. Being told you’re not wanted all the damn time sucks!

    I actually just had a sudden uplifting moment where I realized the future was all mine, and my life is full of promise, and there are a billion fish in the sea. Surely one of them will offer me what I want:)

  203.  #207Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    He would have dumped me again whether or not I was dating other men anyway. I feel so glad and relieved that I made the decision to start seeing other people.

  204.  #208Lorelei on January 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    SLV @ 201-3

    Thanks so much for posting these links on how to flip. I haven’t really paid attention to flipping yet, and never quite got what it meant.

    And I need to as I’m feeling shocked that my Ex is going to remove all his stuff from the house, before we have sold it. And shaky and teary. I know it had to happen, but it’s just a shock to know that the house will be much emptier in a few weeks’ time. But I also feel good that the emptier means he may not come over so much. But I also feel scared about having to deal with the house sale on my own, and to find a new place to live. Seems like a bit hurdle, and stressful. Flipping might get me a different kind of energy to deal with it all. x

  205.  #209Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    seeing from my own blog stats that someone is cyber stalking me in google. blargh i feel violated and exposed.

  206.  #210Laughing Goddess on January 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Dorothea: yes! There is nothing you can’t achieve!

    This is good. It’s a step in the right direction of your happily ever after…either with LI or someone even better.

    This is going to be great!

    You are free. You are awesome. You are gorgeous! You rock!

  207.  #211Dorothea on January 8, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Thank you LG:) Your support means a lot to me sweetheart:)

  208.  #212Sweetpea on January 8, 2011 at 5:25 pm


    Feels so good to hear you’re feeling better already. Yay!!

    I feel curious to know about your blog stats and hoiw you can tell you’re being cyber-stalked. I feel kind of embarrassed to ask this too, but curiosity reigns. 🙂

  209.  #213Spenc on January 9, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Thanks! Ended a bad relationship of over 19 1/2 yrs and went out with a guy, my first, last night. He wants to go to the movies next weekend who knew. Looking forward to the advice even helps with my 20yr old son who argues all the time with me. Oh and I now do look at myself in the mirror. I am smiling more and enjoying myself for the first time in my life. I am so glad you shared with us women we needed it.

  210.  #214Kismet on January 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Good post! I tend to lose my sensuality as I get caught up in relationships so I need to work on keeping it!

    Anyways I’m quite intrigued by the link Rori posted: http://www.authenticwomanexperience.com

    It’s the woman version of Authentic Man. My brothers learn from Authentic Man and I’ve watched their videos; they really impress me! It’s all about being and feeling authentically with no fear. The women for Authentic Women Experience were on Authentic Man, helping the coach give feedback to the men.

    So, I’ll subscribe to it =)

  211.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on January 10, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    208: Lorelei says:

    Re: The Flip

    You’re welcome but I only reposted what LonePlum so helpfully put up. I am so grateful to her.

    I am now going through Rori’s Dating Category posts. There is a lot of good stuff over there.


  212.  #216Jules on January 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    I wanted to reply to the message about the guy commenting on the ‘eyes open during a kiss’. Alarm bells immediately rung and I would also feel uncomfortable if some guy said that to me. Everyone has little hang ups and stuff but the comment is a criticism and it’s way too early for him to be criticising you – let alone in a text message. He’s either a controller or at best a bit of a nerd who’s viewing you as some kind of rubix cube or other gadget. and I would get out asap.

  213.  #217margaret on January 16, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    do youthink it right when yr partner of 12 yrs startes playing yahtzee and startes talking to a 24 yr old married and house wife and mother of a 2 yr old and sayes there friends and tell me that he told her he was going to leave me and then tells me and sayes there only friends and hes not going to stop talking to her and more less blames me and wants me to let him talk to her and i emailed her and asked her if she was going to help pay hes bills and take care of hes ADHD son 17 and get a job and she emailed him to tell on me after she said she wasnt going to talk to him any more so know he still talkes to her and thinks it is ok and does it infront and behind my back

  214.  #218Kath on January 17, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Been missing for a while but am back now- head was all over the place but I have worked hard to bring it back in line!- Thanks for this Rori- How do you know what I need to hear and when I need to hear it and learn from it!?- You are psychic!-

    I’m in a strange situation I wanted to share something with you cos I need Siren advice please!- My toxic man and I have now split and although still (StILL!) living under the same roof-we’re not together and he’s moving out at the end of the month. Since news of my break up has been made known amongst my friends, a guy I used to date text me out of the blue and asked me out for a drink. I thought this was strange because I made the mistake before (about 1 year ago) of telling him exactly how I felt about him and he told me that I was a good friend but would never be anything more. So I wiped him from Facebook, deleted his numbers and stayed away from him. However, this time I played it differently and agreed to meet up with him for a drink before Xmas. Ihave now seen him four times in the last month (twice we went out with mutual friends though as a group). The thing I’m confused about is that this time he has done all the contacting- he has sent me text messages to make sure that I have both his work and personal cell number- he’s emailed me, having got my email address from friends- and the last time I saw him he made an effort to tell me how much he was enjoying cooking now and that he’d finally grown up!- (I always used to joke with him that he was a child!)- I don’t want to make the same mistake twice-but I love being with this guy and I love the electric chemistry between us!- Last time we were out together two people we didn’t know asked us if we were a couple because we looked so good together!- I am Taking Rori’s advice and I am leaning back- but I don’t want to fall off my chair and push him away!- If he is stepping up I need to encourage a bit don’t I?- I’ve known this man for four years and I’ve loved him all that time- Help!!- I want to stay cool, its taken me a long time to get to where I am! XX

  215.  #219Susan on January 17, 2011 at 7:07 am

    I’m new here. At the moment, I have nothing interesting to bring to this discussion but I have been reading everything with interest. I am currently involved with a man who calls all women ‘friends’ regardless of his type of relationship with him. The language he uses is confusing.

  216.  #220Susan on January 17, 2011 at 7:10 am

    #217 ~ Kath, You and I are in a very similar place. I feel exhilarated and very off balance at the same time.

  217.  #221tinque on January 17, 2011 at 7:22 am

    And the way you do this Kath is by expressing your pleasure when he does things which please you or when he makes you feel good. In FEELING messages.

    “This feels so good; I feel so happy; this tastes SO good; I feel so safe here with you; I love doing….with you.” and so on. MELT in his arms when he holds you, or if you’re not there yet, MELT in your mind when you see him, SMILE and MELT.


  218.  #222raverach on January 17, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Hey Rori!!
    I have a slightly weird case at hand. I’ve fallen for this super cute guy who happens to be my client. I’ve gone out with him a coupla times once for work and once just like that. Now, he has a girlfriend and from what I know, its a long distance relationship. I guess he likes my company (atleast seems like it) and never mentions his girlfriend. I’ve fallen head over heels for him and do not know what to do since he’s taken. Worst part is, we have to interact on a day-to-day basis and I don’t want to end up ruining our professional relationship and a little bit friendly relationship that we have right now. What do I do? Pls advise!

  219.  #223Femininewoman on January 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Re 219 i had one who always referred to me as friend. Then he started to act like he was obsessed, calling to check touch base, calling first thing in the morning, last thing at night, calling me sweetpie. BUT NEVER COMMITTED. So I practiced setting boundaries with him, leaning way back and expressing appreciation when he stepped up. I even totally cut him off for six months but he came back a lot more sesitive to me. Always took note of my preferences and I couldn’t do anything wrong. The one thing I found disconcerting was that he wanted to give and I was uncomfortable receiving, especially around money. He also seemed unable to say no so I wondered about lying and cheating. I believe it was a classic case of denial or imaginary relationship for him. He always wanted to help me, treat me well so I also practiced sharing my problems with him to see how willing he was to want to step up to help fix them. He really taught me how a man adores a woman.

  220.  #224Kath on January 22, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Thanks Tinque, I am practicising!-
    Hi Susan-its so confusing isn’t!- but this time l am being more feminine smart than i have been before!- l’ve made mistakes before, frightened him off l guess and lent forward way too much- this time l’m using rori’s tools and tinque’s because it’s all great advice that l should have put into practice years ago!
    l have another very good male friend who recently told me that he’d made a list of things he wanted to achieve this year and one of them is to take me to a proper ball!- gorgeous dresses and men in dj’s!- how lovely is that!

  221.  #225LonePlum on January 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

  222.  #226LonePlum on January 23, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Susan 219

    I find it clear.

    It is about love and commitment
    Friends means he is not in love and does not feel committed, regardless of sharing sex or not.


    http://www.youcangettheguy.com/RoriRayeAdvice1.htm Don’t be his friend!



  223.  #227LonePlum on January 23, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Susan 219

    I find it clear.

    It is about love and commitment
    Friends means he is not in love and does not feel committed, regardless of sharing sex or not.


    My previous post got stuck because of the 3 links, so I am parting it in 3 posts


  224.  #228LonePlum on January 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

  225.  #230Brenda on January 24, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    oops – got the code numbers wrong…5:30PST/8:30EST

    Call 1-218-862-7200

    Conference Code 417864

    See you there! Love, Rori

  226.  #231Taffeta on February 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

    I always have
    trouble with guys. It never seems to get past a first date. In December there a
    young man contacted me on facebook, we started chatting and eventually he asked
    if I would like to go for a drink socially in January, I said yes. Into the
    second week of January he still hadn’t asked me out. (I should maybe say this
    young man is 21 and I am 40, though I look about 30) we chatted a little though
    and he said he liked talking to me i had depth. I was getting a little worried
    he was never going to ask me out when he put up a post on facebook saying would
    anyone like to go to the astronomical society with him, I thought he might be
    hinting toward me as we had been talking about this kind of thing but i would
    never have replied, but my friend grabbed my computer and replied for me that it
    sounded interesting when was it? So we made arrangements to go for a drink first
    and then go to the astronimical society. Unfortunately I had double booked
    myself and coudlnt go. I hoped he would say lets’ go for a drink another night
    but he didn’t and I felt I had to do it though hated to. So we arranged to meet
    for a drink and met up and it went really well couldnt have gone better. he was
    really nice, we talked together well, no awkward silences, he said he liked me
    and did I want to do this again, I said yes, the only thing was he asked what I
    wanted and I said to have a few dates and see from there, he said he didn’t know
    what he wanted or was looking for. So he got me a taxie kissed my cheeck and
    saidd he had a really nice time. Next day he sent a message on facebook saying
    he had a really nice time, it was great to meet me and how lovely I looked. A
    week and a half past and he still hadn’t made any arrangements to see me, but
    was leaving posts on my facebook wall and having the odd chat, not to much
    because i get nervous. so finally he made an arrangement said he wanted to spend
    the day with me, I felt nervous about this and suggested we meet a little later
    in the day. When the day of the date came he cried off sick and we didn’t speak
    again untill 2 days later where i felt he was ignoring me on chat leaving me mid
    conversation for 12 to 20 mins at a time. Finally I said I would like to see him
    again but that I didnt know what he wanted, I feel I shouldn’t have said this I
    don’t like to chase a guy,he asked if our first meeting was a date, said he
    didn’t think I would take him seriously because of his age, then said he wasn’t
    sure and would need time and would be indecisive which would he said be
    irritating for me so beat to be friends. I asked why did he want to be friends
    and he replied that he was unreliable and unpredictable and that he liked to go
    away drinking with his friends for 2 days, didn’t have a phone because he liked
    to be out of contact, and it was the compulsion to be free of it all that drove
    him to escape. So now we are just friends.

    I can’t understand why he needs time and feels indecisive, I am an attractive
    woman with a good personality and I know he really enjoyed our first date,
    so’i’m having difficulty understanding. I thought people just went on dates with
    each other and got to know one and other and thats how they decided, but I feel
    something has put him off and I don’t know what. Is he just immature and not
    ready for a relationship? Is it because I am 40 and this may reek of commitment
    to him? Did I lean forward too much I don’t think I did anything, I left a few
    comments on his facebook occassionally and always let him come on to chat to me,
    maybe i did this too much? But something changedbetween him arranging the second
    date and the next week. I don’t tknow if he was always hanging back unsure from
    the beginning. I see our first date was really arranged by me, maybe that was
    too forward, I really don’t know why he now just wants to be friends if he’s got
    scared or what. Does he just see me as a friend? I am attractive and wear very feminine clothes.

    how do I handle this now? Do you feel there is no chance of any romance in the
    future? Though I know I shouldn’t really be wanting a relationship with someone
    who says he’s unreliable, but I feel a loss of power here and I would like it
    back. Do I go out with him to the next astronomical society meeting if he asks?
    or do I just ignore him now?

    I would be really grateful for any feedfeed.

  227.  #232FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:31 am

    RE 231 ” Is he just immature and not
    ready for a relationship?” It might be. Also building a friendship usually takes time for me, I guess it is the same for most people so expecting him to step up after 1 date is asking a lot.

  228.  #233Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 11:35 am


    You are welcome to join us at the newest thread, where most of us hang out…it is the first in the list at this link:


  229.  #234Taffeta on February 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    thanks femininewoman for your reply. i didn’t mean to ask him to ‘step up’ i feel i blew it, though I just told him I would like to see him again for a second date but didn’t know what he wanted. I don’t really believe he was sick when he cancelled the second date not when saying to be friends after. If he needed time why not just ask for time instead of saying lets be friends. Now I feel he is not talking to me at all we haven’t spoken now for a week.

  230.  #235Taffeta on February 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Thanks Brebda. How do I knew when there is a new thread?

  231.  #236Jennie Flor on February 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    How long do you circular date one man?

    I have been dating someone on and off – it is special and important but I’m still not his girlfriend. He took me to Aruba one week and the week after I’m not invited to a Superbowl party with him.

    I’m ready to breakup with him but don’t know if I should rather hang in there…keep circular dating and stay the leaned back girl.

    If I don’t break up I was thinking of tellihng him how it hurt that I wasn’t invited.

    Thoughts? I’m stuck.