To Every Woman Who Has Loved A Man Who “Could Not Get It Up”…

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I just got this from Charu at www.EmbodyTantra.com (you may know her as one of my Monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts) – I love this woman and her work, and I was floored by this article. Charu graciously gave me permission to reprint it here for you:

by Charu

Recently I had a conversation with a beautiful client of mine. She is a very powerful, conscious woman who is devoted to her spiritual path and is now in a rich and powerful partnership with a man she loves. Everything in their relationship is rich and in alignment. Their visions, intentions, goals, work, priorities – only thing off is the sex.

It is really challenging both of them because they are so much in love.

Thing is, although this has never been a challenge for him before, he can’t get or maintain an erection when they are together. This is bringing up tension and anxiety for both of them and making it difficult for them to surrender more deeply into the love they feel for one another.

I had some great news for her; while this is a challenge and it can take an investment of time and energy to move through something like this, it is definitely possible to break through into new territory.

That ‘new territory’ does not mean that this man will simply have to ‘deal with his issue’ and then they will have great sex finally with his rock-hard erection. New territory means that this is a powerful opportunity. Perhaps BECAUSE they have such a genuine connection, perhaps BECAUSE they are both so intuitive and devoted to their spiritual path this challenge is inviting them to look at sides of themselves that the rest of their spiritual journey has not yet touched.

Important parts of themselves, parts that when they clear will not only open the gateway for them to have a great sex-life, but will also open the door for all of the work they have already done to come into full manifestation on this earth. When the lower chakras are not alive, open, accepted, included then there is a very real limitation of our potential for awakening. As we are HUMAN- beings our humanity is necessarily part of our process of awakening.

I guided her to do something very powerful. To bring her awareness back to HERSELF and take the attention away from the ‘problem that he has’.

How?

1. I encouraged her to experiment with soft penetration ~ this is where they would still have intercourse, only with his penis soft. Click here to read an article I wrote on this or check out the book: Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson which talks about this in great detail.

This technique takes the pressure off immediately that says ‘he has to be hard’ and allows two lovers to connect intimately in a new world without goals, where they can allow the bodies to connect and re-sensitize to one another. Experiencing and enjoying all levels of tumescence is a great blessing that we do not honor at all in our culture. Great openings can happen even with a flaccid penis.

*IMPORTANT NOTE: In a circumstance like this when we enter into soft-penetration it can be difficult because our thoughts of ‘why isn’t he getting hard?’, ‘what is wrong with him?’, ‘isn’t he attracted to me?’, ‘why have I found the perfect man, but we can’t connect this way?’, ‘will I ever have great sex again’, ‘I just want to have mind-blowing lovemaking that matches the depth of our connection- am I with the right person after all?’

This is where step 2 comes in-

2. Both partners can practice this, but I will orient to the woman partner (since the conversation I had happened to be with my woman client); when you notice the thoughts running through your head about all that is ‘wrong’ with the situation/moment, bring yourself back to sensation. This is your teaching, this is your ‘Guru’- anxiety coming up in your body (or whatever emotion/feeling is there) is NORMAL and it is coming up to be cleared. If you were with the ‘perfect’ lover you would not have to sit with this and it is a clearing and awakening for the new depths you will experience together.

3. Rather than dwelling in the thoughts, notice where you feel this emotion in your body. For example; ‘I have an intense stomach cramp and my shoulders are tight, I feel like I am not breathing as deeply, the pain in my stomach feels like a black bubble’- if you feel comfortable voice this out loud to your partner (without the story about why you feel this way, that’s not what this moment is about).

4. Allow your partner to see you and hold you in this. In this moment he can be empowered to hold a strong space for you, rather than feeling dis-empowered that his body is not working the way he wants it to be (once again this exercise can be practiced by BOTH parties).

5. Give yourself over to whatever is the strongest feeling in your body, for example: the ‘black bubble’ in your stomach. Magnify the sensation rather than trying to make it better, feel it getting bigger and more intense in your body- this may feel counter-intuitive, but staying with it will support a powerful clearing.

As you stay with the intensity in your body you may feel vulnerable, frightened, you may cry or scream. This is all perfect. The body is going through the process it needs to in order to release parts of you that have ‘hardened’ and are not allowing energy to flow.

Because of these responses in the body it is a good idea to let you partner know that you are going to be trying this exercise before you begin the process and what might happen so they won’t be alarmed. Invite them to participate with you by feeling free to express what they are feeling in their body and let them know that this is not about making you ‘feel better’- it’s about a creative process of allowing the clearing to happen.

This process is a powerful first step and can be used in many different ways and for many different reasons within a partnership. Because this is the first step it is NOT about having an erection or trying to get an erection at all. It is about allowing yourselves to be truly ‘naked’ and supporting one another in this space of vulnerability.

Sharing this will not only begin to allow the bodies to re-sensitize and ultimately bring life and energy into areas where it is not yet flowing, but it also begins to create a space for you to discover your authentic sexuality. Relating to one another and connecting in an entirely new way, one that is far richer than what we have dared to imagine.

From Rori: Charu does these amazing evenings in Los Angeles, she coaches by phone, and you can watch her videos and get more of her free info on her blog at http://www.embodytantra.com–>>

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920 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Ha



  2.  #2Silver Moonbeam on May 24, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Ha, chance would be a fine thing!!!!!



  3.  #3Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Love you Charu



  4.  #4Starla on May 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Alaska is texting me that he wants to make up for “chastizing” me and it won’t happen again. He said he was just scared for me. I told him when he was saying I deserve it and he does the same thing to pedestrians, it didn’t feel like he was just scared for me.

    Sigh. The universe sent me this to stand up for my feelings and to keep my heart open. It’s a tricky balance but I shall master it:)



  5.  #5Starla on May 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

    aaaaaand whaddya know, Dominique just sent out an article with the title “how to feel a bad feeling feeling AND keep your heart open”

    lol, universe
    ((((((((((universe))))))))))))



  6.  #6Jessie1000 on May 24, 2012 at 9:25 am

    starla…how do I get dominiques letters?



  7.  #7Ella on May 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Urgh having a slightly challenging day… after feeling so good this morning and feeling pleased to think I was finally getting on top of my finances, I realised I mis calculated and missed out a payment for £160, which is really important, so now I have to find the money and I don’t have it… but I can juggle and use some money I had put aside for something else… and it just means I am all behind again!

    GRRRRRRRRRR.

    Who knew that getting out of debt is such a mission.

    I don’t even really spend much money anymore… I don’t really do anything much except work at the moment.

    I don’t drink, and I very rarely buy new clothes… but it is just all the debts I am paying off from before that are such a struggle.

    I do not ever, ever, ever want to be in debt again… and I would be very, very wary of ever taking stuff on credit again.

    You never know when your circumstances will change.



  8.  #8Ella on May 24, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Also, MWC just ISN’T getting that I really do need advance notice for dates.

    After that big fuss about Sun!

    When I didn’t go to his because he asked me last minute, and then he was upset, and he has said several times that he is aware that I prefer advance notice for dates and seeing each other and yet he has not booked me!!!!!!!!!!

    I saw him at work today and all is good… but he hasn’t asked me about tonight or tomorrow evening…

    Usually we would see each other at least one of those nights.

    Maybe he is not planning to ask for some reason but I bet he will ask me last minute again.

    I am seeing him on Saturday for my friend’s wedding so that is definitely booked. But I had hoped we would spend Friday night together and then get ready together on Sat am.

    I am just adjusting my expectations now… and in my head making it ok if this isn’t what happens…

    So seeing him tonight is out for me because it is last minute again… if he does ask.

    If he asks tonight about tomorrow that MIGHT be ok…

    But if he doesn’t ask about tomorrow until tomorrow… then tomorrow evening is out too.

    Lol.. this all feels kinda silly.

    And it is me attempting to look after my boundary.

    I just don’t feel good scrabbling around last minue to see him when it has not been pre planned.

    That’s ok though… I have PLENTY to be keeping me busy and entertained so not to worry.

    I suppose he’ll get the advance notice thing eventually?



  9.  #9Ella on May 24, 2012 at 9:41 am

    And, I had another slight run in with the other Chef today.

    Which involved him speaking to me sharply… and me saying softly, whilst leaning back and holding eye contact ‘I don’t like being spoken to that way, it feels bad’

    He said he was only joking and I expect he probably was… I have heard him speak to others that way and they just kinda give it back or laugh it off…

    But, to me it feels icky.

    I don’t want it.

    After that he was kinda stand-offish, wary of me…

    And I feel sad that it has to be this way… but, the truth is I really don’t want to be spoken to like that.

    I don’t find it funny.

    It doesn’t feel funny.

    Sure I am probably extra sensitive about it but so what.

    Its sort of like what AG was talking about on the last thread… about playing around in negative energy, and to me it just doesn’t feel any good, even in jest, in this situation.

    And also like what Lilibee was saying, about how you can buy your place in the group by going along with it, but, that feels superficial to me.

    I plan to remain open to him though…

    I am sure he doesn’t mean to cause me any discomfort or badness.

    And if we ever get the chance to talk properly I will tell him that I am probably feeling extra sensitive about the way I am spoken to, and that I still feel a little bit wary around him since words were had in the past. And that I just feel tense about it, but that that kind of joking just doesn’t feel good to me.

    And it just feels a shame sometimes, and I feel kinda stiff by not just going along with it… but also today I kinda felt strong too… in saying that, in standing up for myself.

    And I would rather be true to myself, than change who I am in order to be accepted into a group…

    Plus mostly I am having quite a good time at work now.

    I feel stronger.

    So that is ok really.



  10.  #10Jilly on May 24, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Wow…there have been a few times in the last couple of years where the men I dated couldn’t get it up and I couldn’t understand it…this article felt great to read.

    Luckily with Rugby Man this is a non-issue…but if it were to ever happen…I have this to fall back on 🙂



  11.  #11Francesca on May 24, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Jessie,

    You’ll find Dominique’s blogs here:

    http://sexandheart.com/



  12.  #12ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Previous thread @311 Tiffany

    Thank you. I’m still waiting for my doctor to call me, but it seems like that’s what he will say.

    I’d say Mr. Observant really likes me. I still am cautious though because he’s going through a divorce and I don’t want to be his transition girl. Maybe I’m not, maybe he’s really just ready to move on. My NVs are talking a little and thinking maybe his excitement has to do with being on the rebound 🙁 I hope not. I really do think he just really likes me. He’s so cute and enthusiastic!

    We are going out on Sunday. Don’t have exact details yet, but he said we would talk when it got closer. He also listens, remembers and repeats what I have told him about things. So, I know he’s paying attention! 🙂



  13.  #13Starla on May 24, 2012 at 10:32 am

    I feel a little freaked out… I didn’t answer Alaska’s last text (busy at work) and so he emailed me like a page long apology about how nauseated and like dirt he feels over what happened, and asking if there’s anything at all he can do to make it up to me.

    i never said i was upset like THAT. i feel unseen and freaked out and like he is being very very dramatic and i don’t want this.



  14.  #14Starla on May 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

    the subject line is “tail between my legs”

    something feels off here. this is a disproportionate apology and i certainly never indicated that he needed to make it up to me or put himself in the dog house. a basic apology (preferably in person, not several text messages and a long ass email) would have sufficed.



  15.  #15Starla on May 24, 2012 at 10:36 am

    what feels so yucky is i don’t feel seen or honored at all. i feel like this is all about HIM feeling better and not being in trouble. something feels deeply off and unhealthy here.



  16.  #16Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Need to write on the blog before I go MENTAL!!! ..haha..
    ohhh pish.. what a day..

    Ok, so the last time I was on here a good few weeks ago now.. Myself and my boyfriend were really low.. we made up and had a proper talk and after that things were FANTASTIC.. he even commented on “how good I’d been” haha an I was really into the feeling message and I wasnt gettin worked up over things and moody..

    Well.. It comes to the weekend and hes been pretty busy so I havnt been seeing him much at the weekend.. (He works all week) and its been causing a bit of tension.
    He has his little girl and I really get on with her and we usually all do things together but lately we havnt and Ive been feeling a little left out.. (sounds immature I know.. 🙁 ..but I cant help it) ..we were supposed to be doing something sunday after he finished work at least and then his little girls mum phoned saying she needed him to have her so he cancelled with me..

    Well this weekend he doesnt have her and its the first time in agggges that we will be able to spend it together.. He said yesterday that it was just me and him this weekend and we’d do something as we havnt had a day togther in a while.. Its become like a nighttime relationship where he just falls to sleep..

    Then.. I go on facebook today and hes asking one of his friends what is he up to weekend and does he want to do something..

    :/ Am I just mental to feel a bit hurt by that.. seen as we were supposed to be doing something..

    I sent him a text and he replied back saying it probably wont happen with his friend anyway and he obv has to watch what he says to people and hes sick of me always nagging and winging!

    ..I just feel let down and hurt.. and he makes out im a mad woman if I have a problem with anything.. 🙁

    ohhhh….



  17.  #17Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 10:48 am

    please help before I text him more hurt, you dont care type messages…

    his latest reply was

    OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE NOWWWW!!!

    …Im feelin like a mad woman



  18.  #18ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Previous thread @332

    Francesca – thank you! 🙂



  19.  #19Starla on May 24, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Slippin, maybe text him, “ack, i feel eager to spend time with you, but i don’t want to go down old paths either. sorry if it seems like i’m nagging u, i don’t want that. is there something we could do that works for both of us for weekend plans this weekend?”

    then lean back and relax.



  20.  #20ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Slippin’ Goddess

    It sounds like he needs some space. I would just back off, not respond, go about your business and wouldn’t even plan on the weekend. It sounds like he feels he can’t do anything right.



  21.  #21ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I wish my doctor would return my call. I hate waiting for things like this.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Slippin Goddess I agree with RG but might say “I just feel anxious to spend time with you”



  23.  #23Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I just feel so upset lately… 🙁



  24.  #24Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Slippin Goddess on another note you are putting out there that your happiness this weekend is dependent on him. I understand however he is entitled to ask his friend about plans or even choose to spend time outside of you. His words suggest that he is expressing the relationship now as work rather than fun so it might be important that you relax your grip a bit.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I would encourage you to pour out the upset here rather than on him.



  26.  #26Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I know, of course he is entitled to that.. ..but he said last weekend hes sick of letting me down

    ..to say this weekend its just me and him and then i see on facebook hes planning other things I cant help but feel angry and upset..

    Ive prob done so much damage this week in texts..

    I know I shouldnt be so hung up on him but I love to spend time with him..

    what do I say.. I would send a nice message but I stuill feel angry 🙁



  27.  #27Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Thanks Dominique

    “What I suggest is to first just be aware of whatever negative feeling is arising for you. Allow it. Feel it deeply. Yet I want you to keep an energetic eye and hand on the love in your heart at the same time. If you feel the bad feeling feelings overtaking you, flooding you, you can place your real, physical hand right on your chest, over your heart. Then close your eyes, and breathe into that place. Your hands work as in the power of suggestion. They help to awaken, activate, and open a channel for your love to flow through again. They help to allow you to feel into your heart, deep into your heart where love always resides.

    You may find yourself popping back into only feeling aware of the negative feelings again, and this is fine. You are learning new ways, rewiring old programming. Keep doing this, again, and again and again and again. Keep lavishing your love all over the pain and hurt. Pour it generously everywhere and not just in your heart. Your entire body is affected by bad feeling feelings, so allow it access all over.

    How does this feel?

    This can become your new habit, your new go to place when the bad feeling stuff comes to visit.”



  28.  #28Mel on May 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Ella,

    Reading your post, I thought I could maybe share some impressions I had. Feel free to disregard, k?

    So what I feel curious about is whether you are declining his last-minute invitations because you really ARE busy or really DON’T feel like getting together… or just on principle?

    I wonder maybe if when we are exclusive with someone, perhaps the “advance” invites don’t matter as much?

    Mr A has told me many times that I am always welcome, but knows that I love to be asked because it makes me feel like my company is requested and I feel respected and special.

    So every day, without fail, he asks me “Will you come over?” or “Will you have dinner with me?’ or “Can I see you this evening?”

    And these requests are technically last-minute, but most days I accept, because I like to spend lots of time with him.

    Usually he only “books me” ahead for more special events like parties or excursions and such.

    I never wait around for him to ask me; and when he does ask, even if it’s last-minute, I feel like I can always decline if I don’t feel up for it or have something else on the go… but usually I say yes.

    I feel like maybe in an exclusive relationship, spontaneity might be a good thing?

    Just my two cents…



  29.  #29Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Does it actually say he is planning other things?



  30.  #30Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

    yes, he says to his friend what are you doing weekend? you fancy meetin up we could go for something to eat..

    his argument with me is.. he wont be out the whole day..

    and of course I can understand that.. its just this one, one day that we’ll av to spend together in ages.. after arguing about not doing anything recently..



  31.  #31Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Slippin maybe you should get him to clarify what “just me and him” looks like to him for the weekend? If you want more than a night time relationship or you feel taken for granted then maybe addressing that might be better rather than telling him how he feels or what he cares about. I believe he already know those things.



  32.  #32Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Slippin I feel a little confused the weekend is two days.



  33.  #33Mel on May 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I’ve been stressed, working hard. I told Mr A that I feel heavy, but I long to feel light and airy and more like his butterfly. I feel weary and delicate and like I need a loving spot to land and rest my wings.

    He said “I would be happy to carry you on my finger and help you to feel all light and loved. What would you like for dinner?”

    Awwww, sweet man….. 🙂



  34.  #34Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Mel I have a smile on my face. I want to ask you if these speeches come naturally to you?



  35.  #35Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

    oh im sorry.. hes working overtime sunday but not til late..

    the weathers fab aswell.., just be nice to spend a DAY you know..



  36.  #36Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I just feel taken for granted, like I’m some night time relationship lately..
    So when you said it was just me and you doing something this weekend that felt good.. Then I read you askin …. to do something Saturday day.. I just dont know where I stand..
    You’re entitled to do what you want babe, I guess I ve just been feeling a bit left out on your days off recently, thats all..

    Ok to send.. or can you adapt ? xx



  37.  #37Francesca on May 24, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Wow, Mel, some lovely FMS there!



  38.  #38Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

    So maybe express your dissapoint you felt when you realized you would not have the whole day with him. Maybe “I feel silly saying this but my heart felt all happy and excited looking forward to the weekend. Then I felt disappointed when things changed. I feel vulnerable sharing this but I feel like crying because I feel uncertain about how to express myself without coming across demanding”.

    Maybe you want to play with a script that reflects your real feelings.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I most definitely would not put in “I don’t know where I stand”. That is giving him too much power.



  40.  #40Mel on May 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

    FW… thanks, you’re sweet!

    A while back I told him that I feel like a beautiful little butterfly that he carries around on his fingertip, feeding me sweet things, cupping his hand over me to protect me from the rain or wind, smiling at me as I flutter about doing my thing. Ever since he’s called me his little butterfly.

    Images mean a lot to me… so I tend to be very visual or metaphorical in my speech. I find this is also the best way for me to tell my feelings (by creating a visual story)… ie. the circus mice etc.



  41.  #41Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Take out the yous SG



  42.  #42Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Slippin Goddess I am wondering if you could use Mel’s images and suggest something like you a feeling like a trapped rat. Trapped between wanting to spend time with him and not wanting to share him this weekend.



  43.  #43Starla on May 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Oh Mel, I feel soooooo jealous (and very happy for you, because you deserve it<3)



  44.  #44Mel on May 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Slippin’

    Maybe something like…

    Awww… I don’t want to be all demanding and know how much fun and friends are important to you…

    But I’m just a girl and I’ve been missing you and looking forward to spending the weekend with you, and the thought of that made me feel all giddy and excited and curious.

    And then I saw that you were making some other plans… and I felt so crushed and I felt my smile go all frowny and tense and I felt so disappointed.

    And I feel a little guilty at the same time, because I don’t want to keep you from your friends, or from doing things you love.

    What do you think?



  45.  #45Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    I’ve tried it.. why does it feel so scary to be so vulnerable..

    I feel like it gives him the power and he’ll think hes ‘got me’



  46.  #46ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Doctor’s office called, but not the doctor. I hate it when they do that. She told me to take 1,000 IU Vit. D daily and to increase my medicine. Didn’t act concerned at all. Ugh



  47.  #47Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    I am trying to rearrange it to I feel, I don’t want what do you think.

    Awww… I’m just a girl and I’ve been missing you and looking forward to spending the weekend with you, and the thought of that made me feel all giddy and excited and curious. I saw that you were making some other plans… and I felt so crushed and I felt my smile go all frowny and tense and I felt so disappointed. I don’t want to be all demanding and know how much fun and friends mean to you.

    And I feel a little guilty at the same time, because I don’t want to keep you from your friends, or from doing things you love.

    What do you think?



  48.  #48ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Oh and my mom told me it’s because I started eating all that healthy crap and I should stop.

    She is just ridiculous.

    I said, you can’t tell me vegetables are bad for me.

    She said, no all the other stuff.

    The other stuff is rice cakes, greek yogurt, coconut & almond milk, fruits, and quinoa. Otherwise, it’s the same stuff.

    But, her potato chips and Pepsi’s are just fine 🙂
    I don’t know what she thinks I eat.



  49.  #49Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    ….what if he doesnt reply.. Ill feel so stupid like haha

    I know we shouldnt ‘expect’



  50.  #50ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    @47 I like this.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Let go of what he is thinking or might reply. You are focussing in sharing your feelings rather than going defensive or on the offense. Maybe a new pattern so he can experience you as different?



  52.  #52Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    You’re right, thank you so much..

    I feel I need to pop back here every once in a while to stop me from having a total meltdown and to focus again..

    Pity it always seems to be when things are bad! 🙂

    xx



  53.  #53Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    When someone promises I believe it is normal to expect.

    Mel I am saving these feeling messages. You are such a poetic artiste at this.



  54.  #54ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I called back and left a message for the doctor to call me.



  55.  #55Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Ella,

    9 – “… and me saying softly, whilst leaning back and holding eye contact ‘I don’t like being spoken to that way, it feels bad’”

    Good job!! Guess what? He will think twice before he speaks sharply to you again! I feel so fortunate to be blessed with these communication skills that serve us on all our relationships!



  56.  #56Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Go Rori! Let’s talk about sexxx!



  57.  #57siren song on May 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    FW,

    so i asked guy who loves me today what he sees in our future. he just said he wants ‘exactly what i want’. then he said ‘you don’t know how to take what you want. you had me and didn’t take me.’ this is something he’s said before. he’s hinting that i don’t do enough in the relationship: don’t ask him out, don’t cook dinner for him (when i do these things he resists…it’s a catch 22).

    then he told me to ‘leave him alone’ and ‘go find my future husband and father of my kids’. and then told me to “f%^* off”.

    yikes.



  58.  #58boasgirl on May 24, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Slippin’Goddess,

    whatever you say or don’t say to him – be kind to yourself, and do things that make you feel better …or less terrible …

    i know how hard it can be. Do you have a list of things to do that make you feel good?

    focus on making yourself happy –

    say nice things to yourself, be compassionate with yourself, embrace your feelings

    also, if you have the modern siren program, that could help – there are so many good exercises for situations like that there –

    wishing you all the best,

    boasgirl



  59.  #59siren song on May 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    he also told me that he stays home to avoid seeing me around the neighbourhood and feels sick when he sees me. then he started crying.

    i feel…helpless and really sad and disappointed.



  60.  #60Starla on May 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    siren song, i would tell him pronto that you don’t want to be talked to like that. that if he wants what you want, that he had better stop with the emotional outbursts and telling you to ‘fuck off.’ and then i’d do the walk away. you can understand his feelings and not put up with any abusive speech at the same time.

    maybe i’m just triggered but i am NOT okay with being talked to like this. i used to talk to people like this and i feel ashamed:(



  61.  #61Starla on May 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    woops, went into moderation

    siren song, i would tell him pronto that you don’t want to be talked to like that. that if he wants what you want, that he had better stop with the emotional outbursts and telling you to ‘f*ck off.’ and then i’d do the walk away. you can understand his feelings and not put up with any abusive speech at the same time.

    maybe i’m just triggered but i am NOT okay with being talked to like this. i used to talk to people like this and i feel ashamed:(



  62.  #62Dominique on May 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I miss you all and feel badly I’ve been a bit absent lately. A bit of craziness is afoot which will hopefully settle in the next two weeks or so.

    Jessie, you can find my articles at sexandheart.com, and if you download the free e-book, you will receive my weekly articles automatically.

    Thank you Femininewoman for reposting some of the latest one.

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  63.  #63Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    #58 Thank you Boasgirl..

    I used to be so happy being single.. Now I can’t imagine him not in my life.. bless him..

    I still am happy most the time but the low points can seem so low..

    Its hard I guess because we live over an hour away from each other.. I think that things like him seeing his friends for dinner wouldnt be a problem if we lived closer as things wouldn’t have to be ‘planned’ with us as such..
    Eg. him coming here for the weekend or me going there.. we could be more relaxed in popping round when we like..

    Its funny.. he spent a couple of weeks staying at mine.. (however just after work at nights when he’d fall asleep, his days off he’d go to spend with his daughter)
    and then this week hes back at home and I havnt seen him and we’ve just been communicating through texts.. it all seems to go wrong through texts..

    its silly.. we’re fine when we are together..

    strange ..maybe I have some detachment thing going on haha xx



  64.  #64Dominique on May 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    RecievingGirl – Sending feel better energy, clear skin, and hair.

    xxoo



  65.  #65siren song on May 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    yeah, this was my problem when he was main guy. when he gets angry he really lets it fly.

    i told him it feels awful. it doesn’t really help. i said ‘i understand that you are angry’ but that ‘i feel tired of being yelled at.’

    he literally just texted me and told me that ‘i’m awful’ and have ‘set out to hurt him’. also that i must be hooking up with lots of guys because i’m going out on weekends a lot. ‘have FUN hooking up with people. there is a line of guys lined up for you. you’ve told me so for over a year. i am a worried, insecure low self-esteem mess.’

    that’s when i started trying to CD, a year ago.

    well, i feel better about being apart from him after that.



  66.  #66Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Slippin’ Goddess,

    16 – “When in doubt, leave it out.”

    For me, when I get close to a man, I get in an increasing emotional state, losing my objectivity; losing my logic. I have felt sad and disappointed with myself many times when I start freaking out about every little thing with a man. In fact, this syndrome is largely what has gotten me in trouble with R almost every time.

    Rori says it is “intensity”, and intensity is not attractive to a man. The best thing I am going to try to remember next time around is at those moments when I am feeling hyper-sensitive around my man, to BACK OFF by going silent.



  67.  #67Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    “angry cd, i’m sorry you feel so bad right now, that’s not what i want for you at all because i care for you, and i just can’t be talked to like this. I don’t want to be called names like awful or be cussed at anymore.”

    stand your ground.

    honestly, girl, he needs anger mgmt/therapy/coaching. i’d suggest it to him. watch him POOF if you start insisting he get the help he needs to manage his emotions in a less abusive way. OR he’ll get the help he needs and things could actually get better:)

    You deserve to be treated with gentleness <3



  68.  #68siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    he also just texted:

    ‘this is a matter of trusting that how i have been treated will end forever.’

    he’s acting like i abused him. all i did was refuse to be his on-call girlfriend for the rest of my life. i feel pretty mad. ugh.



  69.  #69Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    i feel sick with guilt over the times i wasn’t as gentle as i could have been with CF

    sigh, he’s sooooo long gone



  70.  #70siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    i had almost forgotten how intense his anger is.

    yeah, we were supposed to go to counselling (his idea), but he backed out two days before.

    thanks for your perspective, starla.



  71.  #71Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    siren song, is he younger than you?



  72.  #72siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    also, now this:

    ‘i am smart and good looking and i would expect that i would be considered someone not worth hurting’

    i have no idea how to address that.

    i’m kind of feeling burned out on him again.



  73.  #73siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    nope, 4 years older



  74.  #74Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    {{{Siren Song}}},

    57 – Yikes, what did you say or do? I would have said, “Eww, that feels awful to hear! I don’t want to be treated with disrespect.” And then I would have walked out.



  75.  #75siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    radlove,

    i told him it felt awful. i don’t think anything i say matters anymore.

    it feels like we are pretty much done. he told me he wants to me to ‘treat him better’ before he’ll marry me, which means he wants me to court him, which feels weird to me (and him – he doesn’t even like it). it’s just broken and not going to work.

    part of me thinks he is finding excuses to not move forward. like just doesn’t want to.

    he used to be masculine and rowed the boat. now he’s telling me to jump in the lake.



  76.  #76Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    One thing that I feel troubled about is when I use “I” statements and feeling messages with non-Sirens, occasionally I get comments, like, “Did you notice how often you use the word, “I”? You come across as kind of self-centered.”

    I totally get Rori’s reasons for saying “I”, since “You” can often be triggering, like blame. Do you encounter this? If so, how would you respond?

    I really want to feel understood and finely tune my communication skills.



  77.  #77siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    ((starla))



  78.  #78siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    thanks radlove,

    i feel like i have nobody else to talk to about this. the blog is really my friend today. i appreciate your words.



  79.  #79Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    siren song, he sucks:(



  80.  #80Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    #65

    Radlove, I hear ya.. I guess that’s what it is ..intensity.

    When he was staying a mine though and I knew he was going to be back regardless every night I wasnt that bothered about texting in the day.. I was much more relaxed.. in fact he was the one saying ‘send me some love!’
    Its like I was relaxed in knowing I’d see him later..

    When he’s back home and I dont see him all week.. I feel a bit anxious and we usually argue..

    sometimes I wonder if its because he never calls me.. he only ever texts.. we might speak on the phone like once every couple of months.. seriously, Ive never known it.. and we;ve been together a year and half

    I guess you can feel close in a phone call whereas a text you send and it can be so different..
    So sometimes we’ll practically live together at each others houses for weeks and then for a week we’ll not see each other and I’ll just get texts..

    Sorry I’m rambling.. maybe trying to justify why I feel anxious when we’re apart for a while.. just miss him xx



  81.  #81siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    i don’t get the weird message about how he is good looking. that’s a new theme in his texts. sheesh.



  82.  #82Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    siren song 70
    he needs to go to counseling ALONE. or he needs a life coach who can handle anger management issues.

    seriously, yuck. (((((((((siren song)))))))))))

    and also i feel totally triggered about myself and when i’ve acted like this.

    i feel grateful for the gentleness of CF and how it helped me stop treating people that way

    i feel ashamed of myself too

    eee want to crawl inside myself and just disappear!



  83.  #83Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    {{{Siren Song}}},

    74 – I feel sad hearing that. Another thing I would do is say, “I don’t want to be treated second class.”

    Maybe it’s just a heated argument, but so far I don’t think I would want to be with a man who spoke to me like that.



  84.  #84siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    radlove,

    the thing is that it wasn’t an argument. i gently asked him a question and it immediately escalated into him screaming. then crying.



  85.  #85siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    i sent him this:

    ‘i feel sad that we are back at this juncture again. i feel distant from you and bad about arguing. it felt so nice to have good conversations and be near you again.

    i was hoping we could figure way to make both of us feel more secure and happy together in counselling. i do feel hopeful that counselling could be helpful in any case. i feel a lot of anger and pain in your messages.’

    i kind of don’t care if they were good FMs or not. i think i’m going to cut off contact after that text. i did kind of tell him he needs therapy. whatever.



  86.  #86Ella on May 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Mel re 28,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    Yes. This is the issue I have been struggling with in myself.

    I was feeling very unclear.

    I would often be saying no just on principle, when I WOULD like to see him… but I feel annoyed that he has not asked me sooner.

    Maybe I am being too rigid?

    I have always found it hard to find the line between boundaries and just being plain difficult.

    He always asks me ‘Are you free later? Would you like to come over?’ and he is so, so sweet about it and wanting to see me.

    I feel kinda cold when I say no.

    I have said no a few times because I was worried about the drinking stuff, and wanted to see if he would go ahead and see a therapist.

    But mainly I just know that he knows I prefer to be booked in advance… and people treat us how we train them to treat us…

    So I have been saying no on principle.

    I feel tightened up and worried typing that.

    I know he gets frustrated with me and is always saying that I am always welcome and he just wants to see me.

    So I wonder if I am putting up blocks?

    Maybe I could relax a bit.

    And I feel a lil worried now… cus he didn’t ask me today.

    I have an NV saying all my fussing could have put him off asking cus he fears getting a no. He might feel like what is the point?

    I feel tightened up about this.

    I wonder if I can bring this up with him without un-doing any good work I have done in regards to being a woman of high value because I need to be booked in advance.

    I guess the underlying issue is that I have let my social life go a lot… NOTHING to do with being with MWC… but because of money issues and needing to prioritise getting out of debt, and working every hour under the sun…

    Still this can be addressed… and I am starting to address this.

    But do you think I should talk with MWC about this issue and say that I wonder if I have been too rigid?

    What do other Sirens think too?

    Thanks again Mel cus your posts to me feel insiprational. xx



  87.  #87siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    he just said i was ‘lame’.

    ok, we are totally done. done like dinner. good lord.



  88.  #88Starla on May 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    siren song, you are so sweet and gentle and that’s not a bad thing. but i would just be very direct. “cussing at me and calling me names is not okay.”

    HE needs the help. not you. unless you’re doing it right back.



  89.  #89siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    i feel so angry! ‘lame’?

    i feel flabbergasted. this man is 37 years old.



  90.  #90siren song on May 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    a few time’s i’ve reacted in an immature way, but not today. it was all FMs.

    i really just feel tired of this. this is not what i want. i feel rage coming off of him. i don’t want it in my life.



  91.  #91Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Siren Song,

    80 – Ewww. I recently had a CD respond to my post, offering sensual massage. When I said no thanks, I want to connect with a man’s heart before his body, he said let me know if you change your mind and you can be with a good looking man. something to that effect. it’s like all he had going to sell himself was his looks. How shallow.



  92.  #92Queenbee on May 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I’m feeling triggered…

    Man came to visit yesterday unannounced, and didn’t call either. Normally, that would feel very romantic… but I felt triggered and disrespected. I sent my staff to give him a message to call later. Granted I was busy… but anyway… I was feeling bad about it all day… I feel better now. I leaned forward last night and texted him and just acknowledged that he visited. The whole thing made me feel angry… After analysing to death and getting a headache, I’ve decided to have compassion on myself… and now I feel better.

    I feel triggered by this article. It feels great… but also feels like too much hard work for me to get done.

    Slippin’ Goddess – Welcome. Haven’t seen you on before. Please forgive me, I feel so triggered by this name ‘Slippin” – I feel sad to read this name.

    I feel a bit negative on the Island today – like I’m being negative 🙁

    At least good news, I feel free now. I no longer wait, hope, wonder and worry about HAman. He came for his lesson. It was good and I let him go. It feels so nice not to pin over a man and hope, wonder, worry whether he will make plans with me. In fact, I’m taking on making this my MO – I shall gently move on from any man whose interest in me feels insufficient.

    Ouf, feeling so frustrated… I don’t know why…

    Thank you Queenbee for working out, doing beautification and meditating.

    (((((Queenbee))))))

    Love to all Sirens! ((((Sirens))))



  93.  #93lk on May 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    i was feeling so Down & “no hope”…. but now again i am feeling….

    mostly, i feel…. Responsible : ) …. ummmmm in a nice way & i will Stand Up For Myself in my life a little more for the realization……..

    also…… feeling…. Young….. also… Lucky…. also…… Certain : ))) that i will have the life i want & that i already am living the life i want…. (((trust)))

    i’m also feeling Gentle after reading all you lovely ladies…. so Thank You : )))))) hoorah ! : )



  94.  #94Slippin' Goddess on May 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Queenbee, nice to meet you 🙂

    I come and go.. I guess I come here when I’m ‘slippin’ and you lovely ladies give me a wake up call and send me back out there the goddess that I am..
    So it fits.. I guess 🙂

    xx



  95.  #95Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Siren Song,

    83 – Yuck.



  96.  #96Starla on May 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    i feel really resentful toward Alaska for sending me a page long letter about how desperately sorry he was, just cuz i didn’t answer a text cuz i was busy at work. i was already talking to him and not ignoring him. but now because i don’t have time or energy to focus on responding to a page long letter, it makes me look like i’m giving him the silent treatment or i’m hella p*ssed, when i’m not.

    i do not feel good about the needless escalation of drama.



  97.  #97Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    siren song your comments have me imagining a two year old throwing a tempter tantrum. I am feeling compassionate towards him because it seems somewhere in his childhood that was how he learned to get is way. I wonder what his mother was like? I believe you are doing very well. I don’t know that I would change anything in your responses. I see this as good practice for you though. Aside from him seeming to be immature I have no criticism about him. I believe he might very well be in love with you but need help in expressing it. I am not sure you can provide him the help he needs.

    Have you tried acknowledging and appreciating the way he claims he feels about you? I don’t think he was calling you lame. It was the message, maybe even the counselling suggestion.

    Also like begets like. If you responded to him immaturely in the past, it is normal that he would reflect that back at you. It will take him some time to recognize that you have changed that pattern.

    I like Starla’s FM but I would change it to something like “It feels like being slapped across the face as a child in a playground fight when I am called names. I don’t want that in my life. I prefer to discuss things as a grown adult. What do you think?”

    I would keep repeating “I don’t wants” when there are these angry outbursts and let him know that “it feels like he is pushing me further and further away”. This is the kind of instance where I believe I would use blame.



  98.  #98Starla on May 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    and he is posting on facebook about what a horrible day he is having (for me to see, of course), and i just feel totally freaked out and like this is not a tree-trunk rooted kind of guy. i need to be able to say i don’t want to be talked to a certain way without it turning into a groveling please-forgive-me-or-my-life-will-be-miserable mess.



  99.  #99Francesca on May 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    siren song, I find he acts like a woman.



  100.  #100Francesca on May 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Sadly…:(



  101.  #101Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    “How Shallow” RadLove that feels so judgemental and rigid like a stonewall. I am wondering about how open your heart is as my thinking is to connect to a man’s heart mine has to be open first. FMs are good but I have found that they are not effective when my walls are up.



  102.  #102Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Starla wasn’t it recently in one of Rori’s email talking about men secretly like to apologize to their Goddesses?



  103.  #103siren song on May 24, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    FW,

    no, he said ‘you are lame’.

    yeah, i am pretty uninspired to continue this.

    he does act like a girl.



  104.  #104Starla on May 24, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    fw, i think that was a different coach but i saw it.

    when a man acts like this, the apology isn’t for me. there is an urgency there that is all about him. and how miserable he is going to be until i tell him it’s all okay. i already said it’s all okay, just that i don’t want to be talked to like that. he is just freaking out all on his own. i feel totally drained. i feel minimized and not important and responsible for his happiness.

    i bet if i don’t respond the way he hopes i will, he’ll turn hostile/immature.

    i feel yucky and he’s acted like this with me before (barely) and i nipped it in the bud by not dating him anymore.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Ella “I have an NV saying all my fussing could have put him off asking cus he fears getting a no. He might feel like what is the point?

    I feel tightened up about this.”

    This might be true and the tightening up might be your fear talking to you. Yes you might have been rigid and maybe it could be addressed the next time he brings it up. Then I would say really listen to what he has to say. Then experiment with cutting him a little slack and seeing how you feel about it. If you feel taken for granted or not valued then I believe at least you will be clear about how you feel and can discuss it then.



  106.  #106Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    i bet if i don’t respond the way he hopes i will, he’ll turn hostile/immature.

    Judgemental thought.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    siren song you would expect a girl to call you names? hhmm



  108.  #108Starla on May 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    i feel bullied and manipulated, like if i don’t respond, he will just feel worse, or he’ll look at me like i’m stuck up. it’s a trap. i’m going to send myself love and forgiveness and respond to this big long letter when i feel like it.



  109.  #109siren song on May 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    FW,

    i mean the way he now wants to be courted.

    the name calling part is childish, regardless of gender.



  110.  #110Starla on May 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    fw, lately i feel like you’re second guessing everything i say about my life and my experiences, and i feel tired of being told i’m doing this or that all the time. i really appreciate your insights, but something feels off about it lately, like i have no room to have my own views or judgments or thoughts and i’m reminded of being a teenager with my mother. i remember complaining about being bullied to her (i was really bullied, i have scars to prove it) and her immediate reaction was to ask/look for what *i* did to deserve it or how i was handling the situation wrong. it doesn’t feel very supportive and i feel really sad and defensive.



  111.  #111Starla on May 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    now alaska is texting me that he is in my lobby and i don’t even have to speak to him, just to come down from my office and get something that he “has for me”

    omg don’t show up to my work because i didn’t answer your email.

    not. okay.



  112.  #112Ella on May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    FW,

    Thank you.

    Yes… I have been wondering about cutting him some slack, because I have been quite high maintenance/value and he has been having to work very, very hard for me, and sometimes I think I can be too rigid.

    It is also all tied in with feeling afraid to let go and trust.

    I have been taking babysteps with trusting him more and I still find it hard.

    And time and again he has proved himself.

    It does feel good to cut him some slack sometimes and allow myself to trust him and feel his love.

    I don’t think he is trying to take me for granted or mistreat me in any way… In fact I think he really loves me and has my best interests at heart, even if he gets it wrong sometimes.

    And I still feel hyper vigilant about making sure I don’t allow a man to mistreat me… its almost like I have just had my quota of taking any kind of cra8p in my life and anything that even smells like it just triggers me to vehemently reject it….

    But maybe he has earned a little slack from me… and a little trust.

    Maybe we can feel good with in this little bit of loosening off.



  113.  #113siren song on May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    oh starla that sounds kind of intense. the alaska visit.



  114.  #114Ella on May 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    ((((Starla)))))

    Wow… showing up like that.

    I feel kinda freaked out too. :-/ But maybe he is just a sweet guy?? Who knows… follow your feeling, trust your boundaries Siren.

    xoxox



  115.  #115Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Sorry Starla



  116.  #116Daria on May 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    okay i feel really unsafe to process this here

    this is about something starla wrote that i felt triggered by. and this is not about starla or to imply anyone shoulda done it different even if it comes across that way and im sorry if it does

    i felt really pushed away reading this : “fw, lately i feel like you’re second guessing everything i say about my life and my experiences, and i feel tired of being told i’m doing this or that all the time.”

    i know when i get upset i tend to ‘have to’ say You’re doing something… or else ‘it won’t make sense’

    i want to move away from this

    i wonder what this would look like in all about me messages

    it feels scary because it might ‘lose’ the whole ‘point’

    which is you’re doing something that is bothering me

    and then will it ‘work’

    i don’t know

    i feel scared

    i dont want to be slammed for writing about this

    and i feel braced against slamming

    how would i rewrite that /
    “im feeling frustrated, unsafe?”

    i dont want to be second guessed.

    i dont want to be told what to do.

    i dont want advice

    i dont want to be made wrong

    how would i really address this?

    hey i notice im feeling resentful lately and closed off reading advice suggestions to see things differently … im feeling insecure and not honored reading something different from my expressed chosen actions and way of thinking… and i dont want to be told what to do or suggested stuff that differs from the choice i made… it would feel so much better to feel encouraged and supported in my choices

    ok that feels kinda solid for me…



  117.  #117Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Ella I would love to read Dominique’s comments to your situation. My sense is that you are approaching “strong surrender” or are wanting to do it but your doubts keep blocking your path. I see you are allowing your feelings to guide you through. Your last comment had me wondering if you were clear on what is your intuition as opposed to your NVs.



  118.  #118Daria on May 24, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    im feeling so hungry!

    out to eat some fish tacos



  119.  #119Starla on May 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    daria how is the vacation?



  120.  #120Starla on May 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    daria, i am feeling this way with you too, lately. i wish you would just *lay off* if you don’t have anything supportive to say to me. no one is FORCING you to bring up my name in your processing.



  121.  #121siren song on May 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    well, i feel good that i stood up for myself.

    FW you are right, it is good practice…

    i said ‘i don’t want to be spoken to with disrespect. it’s not okay to call me names.’

    he said:

    ‘you are right. it’s not okay. i am sorry.’

    well, that’s enough practice for one day. phew.



  122.  #122Tereana on May 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    I am feeling pretty productive today, even though I didn’t have a lot “to do!”

    I am feeling defensive when people (women) are offering me advice. I feel like, I don’t want advice. I just want to share and be listened to and heard and acknowledged. Advice feels like the other person telling me I am “wrong.” I don’t like to feel that I am wrong. Does it mean I have to be right? Is there a middle ground? (Freudian slip here: I nearly typed “write.” I think it might be time to write!)



  123.  #123Starla on May 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    wow siren song, nice!!



  124.  #124Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Daria thanks for “i know when i get upset i tend to ‘have to’ say You’re doing something… or else ‘it won’t make sense”

    This really resonated with me as if it is something I do. It is something I have experienced with my mother over and over again and have struggled with how to handle it. I tend to storm off, even now, when it shows. The way I see it is that when I blame her for doing something or address something she does she tries to point how the numerous times other people do it. As if it is okay because someone else is doing it. I don’t know if this makes sense, but as soon as I read your words this came to my awareness. Obviously something needs to be healed here for me. Reminds of something I read from Gay Hendricks and John Gottman about the cycle of blame and criticism. I have to review that.

    Thanks again.



  125.  #125siren song on May 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    i know! what just happened? ha



  126.  #126Starla on May 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    115 fw thank you, you’ve always been so receptive to my requests for more gentleness and it’s not something that has been honored very much in my life, so it means a lotttt to me.



  127.  #127Ella on May 24, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    FW re 116

    No. I often get the 2 muddled up! Lol.

    But its ok…

    I am babystepping, and its not all perfect but I am really looking out for myself, and have my best interests at heart in a way I never have been able to before.

    Yes Strong Surrender would feel good.

    Yummy and yes please.

    🙂

    Like a big, yummy, soft marshmallow icecream with a strong solid base.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on May 24, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    siren song I have read over and over again and also experienced it, that men know when they are being jerks.

    Congrats for changing the dynamics by changing your words.



  129.  #129Tereana on May 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Question about Charu’s process –

    1) I love this and I think it’s great! Charu is awesome.

    2) Even though this is a lot about how we feel, and getting into our bodies, and getting off the thought of “what’s wrong with him”? – what if it isn’t about that thought? What if HE is the one with that thought? What if the “problem” has more to do with his anxiety than ours? Hm…I may be projecting here. Only ONCE have I been in a situation where this came up (so to speak ; ), and there was a physiological basis for it. It was (and is) very painful for me to feel helpless and like there was nothing I could do about it – and knowing that he felt the same. He wished there was something he could do, too. I offered my support and to be there with him anyway, and he chose to withdraw from the relationship. He wanted to “deal with it on his own.” He wanted to “focus on himself.” I say that’s okay. But it still makes me feel bad. Like what did I do wrong that made him feel so bad and like he had to do that? What could I have done differently?

    and 3) Where do you find these guys who are so willing to “go there” and work on this stuff in this way? Lol. The only guys I meet tend to want to “deal with it on their own” (see above), or they would laugh if I talked about anything like this. Laugh and/or be totally confused.

    I guess those probably aren’t he best relationship-oriented guys.

    I just felt bad about this one guy, because he was the only one in the last year who told me that he loved me. And we actually had good sex on more than one occasion. There was only one time where I didn’t feel “satisfied,” and this really seemed to throw him for a loop. I still feel bad. But there’s a lot going on there, and probably nothing I can do.

    Anyway, just writing it out.

    Hope everyone is having a good day!

    ~ t.



  130.  #130Dominique on May 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Ella – Yes I see some rigidity going on with you, but it’s okay. It’s more than okay. You’re feeling your way this, meaning you’re mostly working on figuring yourself out, your preferences, your boundaries, what works for you, what doesn’t, what feels better, what doesn’t. And you’re also working on figuring out how this fits within a relationship.

    Try instead going even more with how YOU feel. If you want to see him even though it’s last minute plans, go and enjoy. If you don’t, then don’t.

    xxoo



  131.  #131Francesca on May 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Yay, siren song! 🙂



  132.  #132Ella on May 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Dominique,

    Thank you for replying. I have been missing your input. It always feels so soft and lovely, and useful at the same time…

    Ok yes… I have often just been following me feelings.

    And its only really when certain thoughts have kicked in like ‘oh if you go over there too often you are being too available and this will be bad’ etc…

    Or NVs about being taken for granted.

    But thats is where trusting my boundaries can come in.

    I know whenever I have felt bad or for granted, even if the man has not meant for me to feel this way, I have taken myself away from the situation.

    So I am learning to trust myself more.

    And I suppose this is what is meant by having strong boundaries? Trusting my boundaries.

    So I know I can do this.

    And it allows me to be soft on the outside, and open, and experiment with different things to see how they feel.

    Yes I can go with following my feelings even more…

    And liklihood is I will be over there most of the time when he invites me…

    But sometimes I might not.

    And that is ok, if I genuinly don’t want to…

    Sometimes I feel afraid to admit this… but I have been babystepping with this too, and won’t tend to go if I discover that I don’t really want to…

    This wouldn’t help him either, or honour the relationship, to go when I didn’t really want to.

    Thanks Dominique for helping me to explore this.

    Thanks all other Sirens.

    xoxox



  133.  #133Starla on May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    k leaving for the day… hoping alaska isn’t in the lobby even though i said it wasn’t okay for him to show up to my job like that.



  134.  #134Sassy on May 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Why can’t I express myself out loud in feeling messages?? I can write about them here alllll day long, but when it comes to having real life conversations, they just fly by me!!
    Bugs me to death, ughhhh.
    As for this subject, this has happened to me with a few different men over the years. I always took it personally deep down inside and tried to be as gentle and sensitive about it as I could. I realize this is a huge issue for men and their egos.
    ((((((men’s issues)))))



  135.  #135Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    wow i just met a cd and he kissed me and offered to go down on me and now he says he likes me and is texting me

    and he was so cute and such a great kisser!



  136.  #136Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    FW,

    101 – I do not feel sure if we are talking about the same thing. If a man promotes himself based on nothin but his looks, that’s shallow. If that’s a judgment, so be it.



  137.  #137Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Starla – im sorry you feel upset with me

    i feel very resistant and angry being implied to not bring up someones name in my processing

    its way past my boundary zone of what is my business – my processing feels healing and of utmost importance to me – and i feel not honored about that

    i wish it would be appreciated and honored however no one is FORCED to appreciate my process

    and i appreciate your honesty Starla about feeling ‘this way’ with me – i feel confused about what way that is but am guessing … uncomfortable and upset

    I feel better to honor myself and continue my processing than to censor myself due to a friend’s triggered feelings

    i feel guilty about this and thats ok



  138.  #138Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Radlove – that feels bad whoa!

    what is going on with “so be it” ? i wonder what is going on that a judgement would be defended…

    that feels awful



  139.  #139Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    im feeling so mad!

    i wonder if Rori would suggest i ask how we should work this out?

    i feel my heart pounding

    i don’t know how to handle this

    on one hand i feel compassionate, i feel so triggered and sad sometimes if someone is triggered about my writing and expressing it in a way that doesnt feel supportive to me

    omg i feel rageful when that happens!

    and i dont want my friends to feel that way with me!

    on the other hand, im committed to putting myself first, to my healing

    and to giving myself permission to speak my feeilngs freely about what i see around me in my world including the blog

    that takes top priority for me and i dont want to compromise that at all not even a lil bit not for anyone

    this is Daria running the Daria Show

    hmmm



  140.  #140Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Slippin’ Goddess,

    80 – First of all, please never apologize for writing on the blog! That’s what it’s here for!

    You said, “I guess you can feel close in a phone call whereas a text you send and it can be so different..”

    I totally agree. It was the same case with R and me. Right now I have over 4400 texts saved on my phone between R and me, mostly since December. I let it slide, since he said he didn’t have sound privacy at his house (he lives with his parents) and because I lived so far away. I strongly wish now that I had not gone with it.

    I think it was a major thing that led to our communication breaking down. You just can’t have a meaningful relationship with a man through the written word alone.

    I recently texted this with him:

    B: I am wishing I hadn’t tolerated second class treatment like text only. It was a mistake.

    R: I’ll admit that is poor.

    B: ty

    B: One reason my relational skills didn’t develop normally is cuz I had mostly long distance relationships with men in prison. Long distance is not good for me.

    I wish I had said at the beginning of all that, “I don’t mind saying hi, how are you now and then, but I would feel more comfortable just talking with you in person.”

    Because then it would have required him to get together with me, and when things started to go sour, I would have been able to sense it. It caught me off guard, because I couldn’t sense his displeasure until it was too late. Sigh.



  141.  #141Starla on May 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    (((((((((sassy))))))))))



  142.  #142ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    @60 siren song

    I agree with Starla. That is sooo not acceptable.



  143.  #143Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    When I said “I wish I had said at the beginning of all that, “I don’t mind saying hi, how are you now and then, but I would feel more comfortable just talking with you in person.”, I meant I wish I had said that back in Dec or Jan when he started texting me all the time.

    I guess another reason I let it slide is because I wanted the practice of constructing feeling messages slowly. And it did serve that purpose. But I think on the fly would have been healthier all around.



  144.  #144Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    okay

    im under the impression im being harassed

    AND its normal

    right?

    its normal for a friend to disegard my writing that its not about her and to expect me to only share niece feeling things and

    hide when i feel triggerd or upset by something she shares

    and i dont want this kind of friendship anymore

    i want to feel free to express myself

    and i dont want to put the pressure on people to only tell ME nice things

    however, i feel crushed when ppl tell me things that Dont feel good

    so how do i handle this?



  145.  #145Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    i feel so not ready for a relationship with another human being



  146.  #146ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    @64

    Thank you, Dominique!



  147.  #147Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Daria,

    138 – I feel nitpicked. And I feel really weary of men who just talk about nothing but d*cks, p*ssies, and t*ts, to put it in their language. I feel fed up with it!!

    We are human beings! We are not bunnies, mice, or kitties that just f*ck because they don’t have the intelligence we possess to relate at a deeper level!

    I am not a f*cking bunny, mouse, or kitty, and I do mean “f*cking”!

    I am a SPIRIT! And I have a mind, heart, soul, and, yes, a body.



  148.  #148Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    i feel unsure, am i closing down?

    i dont want to be told what to write about, i feel very defensive of my processing space

    no need to q myself

    sigh

    having boundaries feels uncomfortable and scary

    what can i do so that the triggeredness is reduced?

    i can just keep my words to myself –

    but that is what i DONT want to do

    so i just have to choose me

    always choose me

    even if i think im losing everything

    sigh



  149.  #149Starla on May 24, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    daria, please don’t ask rori, if it’s about me. i would feel really resentful, like i was being dragged into answering for something i don’t feel prepared to commit my energy to or agreed to partake in. It feels like a trap and I feel really not okay with the suggestion.

    Again, since this is bothering YOU, maybe you could ask her ON YOUR OWN, without bringing *me* into it. I’m not trying to stop you from healing or processing. I just want you to leave me alone with your unsolicited judgments and criticisms if something i said wasn’t at all directed to you or about you, because it’s nearly every day you’re talking about how much i triggered you, and how judgmental you “feel” towards me. It feels horrible when your support system and ‘friends’ tell you all the time how much they’re judging you. judgmental isn’t even a feeling, daria. i feel used for some superficial venting that LEADS to processing. I would feel really heard and cared about if you would just highlight and delete the preliminary venting about how much you’re judging and criticizing me specifically, before you hit “submit.”



  150.  #150Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Radlove – sorry you feel something that doesnt feel good

    i feel angry regarding nitpicked

    men who talk about body parts only feel like a turn off to me too

    reading judgements of men feels really bad and offputting too



  151.  #151Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Daria & FW,

    I also feel majorly triggered because I have been with the handsome men who have hearts of ice! I don’t care how drop dead gorgeous a man is if he has a heart that does not love.

    Sure, I like a handsome man. But only if I have some depth to relate to beyond his penis.



  152.  #152Starla on May 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    i wish i knew how to make italicized letters, because then i wouldn’t use ugly caps to emphasize things.



  153.  #153Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Daria and FW,

    Ok, look, I don’t want to be in judgment. I was just feeling angry because sometimes i don’t feel free to be myself here. But then I remember that my goal is to reformat my relational style and attitudes, etc.

    Let’s see, how could I word that instead of “men are shallow if all they talk about is their looks as a selling point.”

    “I feel turned off when a man appeals to me based on his looks, rather than based on his heart.”

    I feel policed here, semantically. I appreciate it up to a point, but sometimes it feels like nitpicking.



  154.  #154Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Starla – mm im feeling rather unseen.. i don’t see any judgements of you in my recent post. feel free to point them out

    i do see where i wrote paraphrase: “this is not about starla, and its not meant to imply anything about her, and im sorry if it comes across that way”

    id love to feel heard and honored about that

    im sorry about you reading judgements –

    when i say i feel judgemental it means im noticing judgements come up in my mind

    i have been feeling triggered a lot by your posting lately

    i don’t know what youre asking me to please not do, i wasnt going to contact rori but i always would contact her ‘on my own’??

    im feeling just really resistant to this last post. all tightened up and pist

    i hear you, i think i do – you want to feel happy and at ease and supported

    and me, im feeling hounded pressed against the wall and getting the impression someone is attempting to pressure and manipulate me

    i feel very defensive and ruthless feeling like this

    i dont want to feel liek t his

    id appreciate if its acknowledged and honored when i write that this processing is about ME

    those words are meant to soothe others – maybe that’s why they dont?

    cuz i already know its about me

    hmm

    im feeling tired and bored

    i dont want to bullshit about this

    really it comes down to – no im not willing to stop processing in any way for anyone

    and im doing my best to not judge within my processing already



  155.  #155Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Daria,

    116 – What you said in 116 is a far more eloquent way of saying what I am trying to say when I say sometimes I feel nitpicked:

    “how would i rewrite that /
    “im feeling frustrated, unsafe?”

    i dont want to be second guessed.

    i dont want to be told what to do.

    i dont want advice

    i dont want to be made wrong

    how would i really address this?

    hey i notice im feeling resentful lately and closed off reading advice suggestions to see things differently … im feeling insecure and not honored reading something different from my expressed chosen actions and way of thinking… and i dont want to be told what to do or suggested stuff that differs from the choice i made… it would feel so much better to feel encouraged and supported in my choices

    ok that feels kinda solid for me…”



  156.  #156Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Radlove – wow that way sounds so much better

    i feel really stiff reading that you feel ‘policed’

    i hear you and i dont want to feel at all responsible for that actually

    i feel confident it has nothing to do with me

    i felt bad reading the judgement about men and a dismissal of it as no big deal

    for some reason that really pisses me off

    maybe i do the same

    i probably am judging ppl and myself and dismissing it as no big deal



  157.  #157Daria on May 24, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Radlove – i hear you. i don’t want to be assumed about that im giving advice when im not intending to

    it felt bad to read that judgement and the dismissal of it



  158.  #158Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Slippin’ Goddess,

    Here is a perfect article from Rori about intensity, like what you and I were discussing a little while ago:

    Intensity Can Be Passionate And Exciting To A Man, Or It Can Feel Draining To Him – Which Kind of “Intense” Are YOU?

    Hi, This is Rori,

    Okay, so what’s the difference between intense passion and intense draining?

    What’s the difference between passion and excitement – or even powerful feelings like rage, terror and grief – and the intensity that causes tension, draining and causes a man to disappear?

    When you’re intense in a draining way – you’re not letting any of your real self out.

    Instead of allowing your inner light to shine – even a bit, so that it can warm a man who gets close to you, it’s as though the only light you have is what you can borrow from HIM.

    He not only feels “depended upon” in an emotional sense – as if you need him to be happy – he feels depended upon in a “survival” sense – as if you need him to LIVE.

    And that’s pretty scary for a man – for most of us, actually.

    MOST OF US CAN’T STAND THE FEELING OF BEING “HELPLESS”

    And so when we’re sad and confused, we don’t want to be putting that out.

    We don’t want to be the “sad and confused person.” We TALK about our sadness and confusion, anyway, with our friends, but even when we talk about it, mostly we cover up the deeper feelings with DEPRESSION, a kind of general ABSENCE of feeling.

    And when we do it ALL THE TIME, it’s like our light goes out. The only time we can let down is when we’re alone, and even then it’s hard – because it’s so frightening to allow our sadness and confusion to come to the surface.

    And the worst part about it is – keeping all that stuff covered up gives us the ILLUSION that we’re okay. We keep putting one foot in front of the other. And so we work hard AGAINST ourselves.

    If we’re convinced we’re “okay,” we often don’t get the help we need because we don’t want to change. Not really. Because changing would mean taking off the covers and looking at the pain and sadness and confusion that’s really underneath.

    So – here’s your next steps in discovering your kind of intensity:

    **If you notice someone leaning away from you, lean back.

    **If they stay leaning away, take a look at the intensity of what you’re feeling.

    **Go into the bathroom wherever you are and be alone with yourself for a moment.

    **Now, ask yourself what you’re feeling. See if it’s anger – that’s usually the most common emotion that triggers depression, covering up – and that kind of “intensity” that drains other people.

    ** If you discover some anger, stomp it out in the bathroom, or just “sink in” to the feeling, feel it completely, and then..

    **Take a few very deep breaths right into your belly, and imagine as you walk out of the bathroom or the hallway or the kitchen or wherever you are that you’re expanding yourself out into a better-feeling place.

    Love, Rori

    This is exactly what I needed.



  159.  #159Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    wow im feeling overwhelmed!

    how is DARIA feeling

    those are the feelings i honor FIRST

    and THROUGH that, i can honor others

    ME FIRST

    and me feels pist and attacked by like 7 chickens that are flying and trying to land on me

    whoa!



  160.  #160Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    I feel PIST!

    i do NOT want to tolerate this treatment

    i do NOT feel good being asked PLEASE do/dont do this

    it feels icky and i feel resentful!

    NO

    i will NOT!

    and i don’t care if you said please

    i will not submit to any demands or manipulations or even requests

    that dont feel 100% good and honoring TO ME

    im in charge of Daria

    not of Starla, Radlove, or anyone else

    it would feel so good to push everyone away and sweep my table clear right now

    i feel PIST!

    i don’t want to feel this draining feeling i feel



  161.  #161Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    daria, i see you said ‘it’s not about me’ but you almost every day (sometimes a few times a day) are saying “i feel judgmental” to me, so i am starting to feel seriously picked on, and i want to be left alone like that. It feels crazy-making, daria, to read someone write unsolicitedly how they’re judging you, and then to read them write about how scared they are they’ll be attacked and picked on and beat up for saying so. It feels like I’m being drawn into a trap where no matter what I will be left feeling bad.

    I’m not bringing this up for sport or fun, but because it seriously is starting to ruin my days for a long while now. i know that *i* control that ultimately, but part of that is letting you know that i don’t feel okay with this.



  162.  #162Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    im feeling so angry at having created draining relationships in my life

    UGH

    im feeling so helpless at not knowing how to be close otherwise

    without caretaking, putting others first, HIDING MY REAL FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    RAARRRGH

    i feel so frustrated!!!!!



  163.  #163Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Daria, WHAT TREATMENT? Can you put it into words? how am i treating YOU? i don’t understand!! You write things about other people and follow it up immediately that you’re scared that by saying negative things about others you’ll be attacked. then when they try to stand up for themselves, you say you’re being treated badly. it is sooo crazy making. i don’t understand how anyone can maintain relationships relating to people in this pattern over and over. i certainly can’t handle lasso’d unsolicitedly into that pattern and I don’t appreciate it when this keeps happening. You’ve been talking about this for YEARS now and I wish you would just figure it out already instead of using me for processing! I try to be patient and loving and understanding but I can only handle so much! I’m a real person too! I have boundaries and feelings and opinions and beliefs too! And they’re just as true for me as yours are for you.



  164.  #164siren song on May 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    i went to band practice and came back to 5 texts from guy who loves me:

    ‘i hope you aren’t eating alone’.

    ‘you take what is yours by giving. that is the oldest ‘truth’ there is’.

    ‘eating alone is not very healthy’.

    ok, i am finding this creepy and needy.

    i don’t want to make him safe to express himself anymore. this is too much.



  165.  #165siren song on May 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    i went to band practice and came back to 5 texts from guy who loves me:

    ‘i hope you aren’t eating alone’.

    ‘you take what is yours by giving. that is the oldest ‘truth’ there is’.

    ‘eating alone is not very healthy’.

    ok, i am finding this creepy and needy.

    i don’t want to make him safe to express himself anymore. this is too much.



  166.  #166Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    thanks Starla

    i do often feel judgemental reading some of your posts lately

    i do not want to apologize for that at all

    im feeling triggered, i feel judgemental, i feel scared of sharing about it, i dont want to be beat up about it

    and I LOVE MY FEELINGS

    i feel angry

    im sorry you feel bad that im repeating that i feel judgemental, and the truth is i actually feel relieved that i don’t feel responsible for this – there is nothing i can do about how i feel … im not controlling my feelings and dont want to be –

    i truly do feel bad – and guilty – that your days feel ruined from reading my posts

    i dont want to be responsible for that

    and i dont want to stop expressing my feelings to avoid triggering anyone



  167.  #167Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    well it’s hurting my feelings and ruining my day. now you know. i gotta go to the gym, bye sirens!



  168.  #168Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Starla – whoa this feels intense and scary

    i dont want to be talked to in “you” language, asked to please do anything, or complained to that my processing feels triggering to someone else

    i dont want to take responsibility for those triggers



  169.  #169Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    (((((((((((((siren song))))))))))))))))

    he is freaking out. i’ve acted like that so many times (oh dear) in the past and it was a desperate cry for love and attention. again, an anger management issue.



  170.  #170Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Starla – well that sux. i dont want to be responsible for it and i dont appreciate the implication i am.

    I intend to have a lovely not ruined day personally

    even though i feel numb angry and upset

    i actually feel safe, like a wall, powerful, and appreciative of the way im taking care of me

    i really feel solid and anchored in myself and i feel sooooo excited with how im refusing to take responsibility for other peoples feelings YAY!!!!

    haha!!!

    whew!!!!

    no more inauthentic friendships

    only friendships based on openess and being able to share what i feel about ANYTHING… YAY!!!

    no more giving in to friends!!! no more holding back, or any of that!

    omg i feel so excited



  171.  #171Daria on May 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    im reading the article and yes, i do feel sad and confused

    AND angry

    and now i feel melty an sleepy and mostly sad

    i feel sad and i am here for you Daria

    thank you for standing up for me!



  172.  #172Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Daria (& FW),

    156 – I SO appreciate your feeling messages to me. And when I say I feel policed, I think that was more in the direction of FW. And maybe I want to just let it go, if that is good with both of you.

    Because FW, you help me be aware of things I say that I wouldn’t otherwise be aware of…even if I do feel it under my skin at times. I know you are trying to be helpful. And I appreciate you acting as a mirror, even tho sometimes I grrrrowellllll!

    I love you both!



  173.  #173ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    The doctor called today and I asked him if my hair loss was related to low C3 and he said, it is possible as that is indicating an active flare. I also asked if the low C3 points me more towards lupus and he said, whether we call it lupus or undifferentiated doesn’t really matter cause they are treated the same way. I feel he is trying not to label me, even though I have lupus. Maybe it will be better for me to not have that label? I don’t know. He said increasing my medication should help. I hope so because I don’t want to keep losing hair and my face is just awful.

    My other problem is I’m having trouble swallowing pills because they get stuck in my throat. Most likely from the dryness associated with the disease. My vitamins are the worst and I’ve even cut them in half, but still have problems. I made some tea to melt it. It’s such a bad feeling to have a pill stuck in your throat. What if I choke on it? I have no one here to help me.



  174.  #174Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    wow it feels weird to watch a friend celebrate how much they don’t care about your feelings. woah. i feel… like turning away from that completely.



  175.  #175Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Daria,

    170 – That feels really healthy to read. You are a role model to me, as is Rori.



  176.  #176siren song on May 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    yeah, i told him i didn’t feel good about this and i don’t want to have a relationship anymore.

    he doesn’t seem able to follow through on therapy or to make a commitment. i have other cds. can’t do it anymore.



  177.  #177Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    If someone is judging me all the time, then i see no reason for them to even be friends with me in the first place, especially when they can’t be convinced to hold back on verbalizing it when i say it hurts my feelings.



  178.  #178Starla on May 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    (((((((((((((siren song)))))))))))))))))))))
    i’m so sorry it turned out like this with him.

    okay really going to the gym



  179.  #179siren song on May 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    GO TO THE GYM STARLA!



  180.  #180siren song on May 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    GO TO THE GYM STARLA!



  181.  #181ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    ((((siren song))))



  182.  #182Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    {{{RG}}},

    Would it help to take the pills in applesauce, pudding, or the like?



  183.  #183Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Starla,

    174 – There is a world of difference between Daria saying “I am not RESPONSIBLE for your feelings” and “I don’t CARE about your feelings.



  184.  #184ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Radlove, I have not tried that. I did try a smoothie type drink & it didn’t help. Why do they make vitamins so dang big! I might have to take the chewables.



  185.  #185Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Starla,

    177 – I feel myself in boy mode, trying to fix, trying to be a communication bridge between you and Daria, as I always tried to be for my parents during their 25 years of fighting, I mean, marriage.

    I feel sad to see two friends at odds. I doubt Daria feels understood, and I know you don’t feel understood. It would feel so good to see gentle, slow communication that lets go of anger.

    There is nothing more valuable in life than relationships. I know both of you well enuff to know that both of you want the best for each other. I am rooting for your friendship with Daria.



  186.  #186Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    RG,

    184 – My Mom lives in a nursing home, and that is what they use to give her meds. I think it feels far more comfortable myself.



  187.  #187ReceivingGirl on May 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I will give it a try, Radlove. Thank you.



  188.  #188Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    Starla, I hope you have a great time at the gym. What exrcises are your favorite? What do they offer at your particular gym? I feel curious. I want to join dance and gyrotonics but it is so expensive, hoping I’ll be able to by the summer.

    I want to let you know I feel really admiring of you lately. You’re dealing with a break up and yet you are so committed to taking care of yourself. That is not easy and for that I give you (((HUGS))). I say to you what my good friend said to me three weeks ago. “You’re still bleeding and you are going off to battle again.” But just know, you are doing so well for yourself okay? You are beautifully feminine, a woman of high value and an amazing siren. These wounds will heal, and your friends are here for you.

    I feel very protective of you lately, and I feel like scooping you up and nursing away those wounds. Just keep processing and loving yourself, and in the meantime sending you lots of love and hugs. Breathe into yourself and bring your awareness to the loving being that you are. Tell yourself “I deserve the best of unconditional love” and just breathe into that. Feel how that feels, then create it for yourself. I know that makes me feel better. ((((YOU))))



  189.  #189Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    I am over the moon for lover boy. He offered to move from his state to mine the other day so he could be closer to me. I was like, shook my head a couple times and said, “What!?” I was so excited, and afraid! I told him that made me feel cherished. All he could say was, “You ARE loved and cherished. By me.” I could cry. Lots of NVs flying around, but lots of PVs are bubbling up too to keep those NVs in check. We’ll see what happens. 🙂 Right now, just riding the waves and feeling all the feelings that are coming up. It feels like being on a roller coaster where the tummy goes up, tickles and tingles then we scream.



  190.  #190Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    BTW, love this article. 🙂



  191.  #191Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Hi Sirens, I put this post and the next one on the last blog, but they were the last two postings, so I’m posting them again here, just in case they were overlooked. Thank you!

    295: Euterpe says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I felt like I wanted to cry when I read this article. I felt hopeless. I felt so alone. Certainly I felt discouraged. After reading it through several times and reading the comments that were under the article I now feel connected. And I am so glad Rori posted this. It definitely was posted on my facebook. Rori, I appreciate the work that you do more and more everyday.

    I would like to say that I don’t think this is limited to just the very young.

    Here are some quotes I pulled from the comments that I thought were worth repeating here:

    – Feminist ideology that demands women to completely abandon their biology in favor of a more ‘trailblazing’ and ultimately more masculine gender role is a real problem.

    I’d sum up the problem this way: Progress is now defined as becoming Don Draper–whether you’re male or female.

    Early feminists believed in female economic empowerment and male sharing of housekeeping and childcare duties. Somewhere along the way, this got turned into “everything that is traditionally feminine is worthless and everything that is traditionally masculine is ideal.”

    So young women decided to morph into men: Marry the job and use people to climb the ladder. Measure success in terms of how much power you have, how much sex you have with multiple partners, and how large your bank account is. Nothing else really matters.

    Then wonder what that aching, raw feeling inside is. You know, the one that results from having no real human connection with anyone.

    Why all the submission? Are you all really that unaware of the popularity of dominatrixes among powerful men who have lost all site of their own humanity? Tired of having absolute control over other people, they find sexual gratification in being dominated and humiliated. So now women have caught up on that front as well. This is not progress.

    Perhaps someone should start a Slow Sex movement along the lines of the Slow Food movement to encourage sustainable, local, and caring relationships. Young people will never know the joys of a good meal if all they ever get is McDonald’s. How sad it would be if they don’t get to experience the real joy of sex instead of just the fast food equivalent.

    Wednesday, 23 May 2012 @ 6:54pm



  192.  #192Starla on May 24, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    siren song, i went to the gym! lol 😀

    radiant rising, thank you so much for your supportive words to me. supportive words make me feel loveable, even though i know i’m supposed to be responsible for feeling loveable, ugh, NVs.

    i belong to a fitness studio that is led by a personal trainer. we do a lot of whacky stuff like flip giant tires. my FAVORITE is the MMA training. I love throwing punches and I’m shopping for my own boxing equipment now so I can train at home.

    but lately i’m not having time for the commute home from there after work, so I’ve been working out at home. I have an exercise room in my apartment building, where I’ll do some cardio equipment and today I was lifting weights, and now I’m going to do pilates in my living room.

    When I get my car, I plan to do a LOT more. I want to be going to yoga at least 1xa week, belly dancing 1-2 times a week, and 3-4 times a week “working out” including MMA.

    I love my body and want to spend lots of time on it/with it. I have felt really disconnected from it for my whole life!



  193.  #193Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Starla,

    I feel sad seeing Sirens I love fight with each other. I want to tweak some of your feeling messages, both for practice and in hopes of being helpful. I wonder if your main message underlying your words is “I feel angry”?

    S: “fw, lately i feel like you’re second guessing everything i say about my life and my experiences…”

    Tweak: fw, lately I feel bad, like I’m being second guessed about everything I say about my life and my experiences…

    S: i wish you would just *lay off* if you don’t have anything supportive to say to me. no one is FORCING you to bring up my name in your processing.

    Tweak: I would feel more at ease if I could receive supportive messages only. I feel uncomfortable when my name is brought up in someone else’s processing.

    S: it’s nearly every day you’re talking about how much i triggered you, and how judgmental you “feel” towards me.

    Tweak: I feel uncomfortable nearly every day when I hear how much another Siren felt triggered by me, and that I trigger judgment in another Siren.

    S: I would feel really heard and cared about if you would just highlight and delete the preliminary venting about how much you’re judging and criticizing me specifically, before you hit “submit.”

    Tweak: I would feel really heard and cared about if I were not told I am being judged and criticized in someone else’s processing.

    S: It feels horrible when your support system and ‘friends’ tell you all the time how much they’re judging you. judgmental isn’t even a feeling, daria.

    Tweak: It feels horrible when I often hear from my support system and friends how much I am triggering thoughts of judgment.

    (NOTE: The quote around such words as “friends” carry an implication of blame and anger when I read them).

    S: You almost every day (sometimes a few times a day) are saying “i feel judgmental” to me, so i am starting to feel seriously picked on, and i want to be left alone like that.

    Tweak: I feel bad hearing “I feel judgmental” almost every day (sometimes a few times a day), so i am starting to feel very heavy hearted. I don’t want to be targeted, and i want to be left alone like that.

    S: Daria, WHAT TREATMENT? Can you put it into words? how am i treating YOU? i don’t understand!! You write things about other people and follow it up immediately that you’re scared that by saying negative things about others you’ll be attacked. then when they try to stand up for themselves, you say you’re being treated badly. it is sooo crazy making. i don’t understand how anyone can maintain relationships relating to people in this pattern over and over. i certainly can’t handle lasso’d unsolicitedly into that pattern and I don’t appreciate it when this keeps happening. You’ve been talking about this for YEARS now and I wish you would just figure it out already instead of using me for processing!

    Tweak: Daria, I feel extremely angry, frustrated, and exasperated. I feel confused…what treatment do you mean? I wonder if we can keep communication lines open and talk this through in words? I feel unsure how I am treating you? i don’t understand!! I read posts by you about other people. I feel weird when it is followed up immediately with concern about being attacked. Then when they try to stand up for themselves, I read posts about being treated badly. it feels sooo crazy making. I feel baffled about how a person can maintain relationships relating to people in this pattern over and over. I feel in agony. I don’t want to be lassoed unsolicitedly into that pattern and I don’t appreciate it when this keeps happening. I’ve been hearing this for YEARS now and it would help my anger go away if I didn’t have to hear processing around me repeatedly.

    S: If someone is judging me all the time, then i see no reason for them to even be friends with me in the first place

    Tweak: I feel so heavy hearted, because I want to feel accepted and loved.

    S: It feels crazy-making, daria, to read someone write unsolicitedly how they’re judging you, and then to read them write about how scared they are they’ll be attacked and picked on and beat up for saying so.

    Starla, I don’t have any tweaks for this feeling message, but I just want to comment. I have been the trigger for Daria’s processing, too, and I know what you are talking about. Here is how I came to peace about it:

    After some time, I came to understand that Daria was allowing herself to feel outside triggers, and then rather than staying stuck in anger, she was riffing on the blog. Sure, she could have taken those triggers and processed them privately, but she chose Rori’s blog as her public, personal journal. And that is its designated use, per Rori.

    I started removing myself from her riffing, as if I were an anonymous person observing her inner, psychological processing. I thought she was thoughtful to give her disclaimer up front, “This is not about you…this is about me. What you said triggering such and such in me.” Then I chose to read everything following that as Daria facing her inner conflicts and hurts from the past.

    When I started seeing it like this, I no longer felt triggered at being the object of her triggers. Sure, naturally sometimes I feel bad. I don’t like anyone to be angry at me. But I felt downright astounded when she would come back to me later with most humble apologies, or I would see new attitudes in her emerge.

    I am at the point where I don’t feel threatened at all by her riffs. Rather, I choose to feel fascinated at the wonder of someone freely revealing her psychological processes in public. I allow my thoughts and feelings to follow hers, and I grow through her growth.

    Further, I have known Daria long distance for two years now, and I have seen tremendous growth in her!

    In saying all this, I am hoping to see a long term friendship, between you and Daria, grow stronger and closer than ever.



  194.  #194Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Euterpe – thank you for posting that! You know there is actually a book called “Slow Sex” by Nice Daedone. It’s about the female orgasm. I heard very good things about it.

    Starla – How amazing your regiment looks! I feel inspired! I can understand that disconnect from the body. I have had the same issue all my life as well. My healer Arda told me that I really need to work on grounding exercises because I am NOT in my body at all. I also learned from my aerial yoga teacher a few months ago that I am the airy type, where I put more pressure on my joints rather than my muscles. I need grounding. I gotta start my workout plan again also!



  195.  #195Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Radiant Rising (& Starla),

    188 – Wow, what beautiful words to Starla!

    I second that! Starla, I have seen tremendous growth in you the past two years, also, and I meant to say that when I wrote the same about Daria.



  196.  #196Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Radiant Rising,

    189 – Wow, that’s wonderful!



  197.  #197Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    296: Euterpe says:

    I have some good news to report Sirens!!! I feel inspired!

    This is about two clients of mine. They were living together with no commitment for a future. He was “just taking it day by day”. He said, he wasn’t sure if she was the one. She started noticing how much she wanted children and told him. He has two daughters with his ex-wife. She tried, getting him to commit in all kinds of “hinting” ways/ for instance, she got a kitten and tried to coax him through the kitten. However, at some point he’s just feels pressured, it has just become too much for him and he decides to move out and move back home with his folks (he is 36).

    They continue to see each other though, but he’s pulling away in the relationship, he even went for one period when he didn’t call or contact her for over a month. She sent him a long email with all her thoughts etc., – nothing.

    Well, when he finally called, more than a month later and they started seeing each other again, they just continued with all the bad habits as before. He kinda said he didn’t want more children, she kinda wasn’t getting that message. But she was feeling less happy and good about the situation she was in, but was trying not to rock the boat this time.

    I started discovering Rori and I told her about Rori’s programs. She got some of the programs as well. She got stronger and she knew she really wanted a child even if it wasn’t with him. She asked for a time to talk/ They set the appointment. She told him, you know I love you very much…. and I really want to have a child, I don’t want to lose you, but if you really is not what you want too, I have to go. He said, he definitely, did not! She said, OK and then she added, (with softness) – don’t let me see you in a year or two from now with someone else’s baby – I’ll slit your tires.

    So they both told me they broke it off for good.
    It has been one month and 5 days with no contact between them and today, (this is the good news) she received a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to her work with a card – ()name, I love you more than anything, having children is not a problem, I was just scared, I miss you and I love you so much. I want you if you will forgive me and have me back. Please forgive me for being so stupid….

    She was at work and was so taken by surprise she broke down crying right there.

    They are getting together tomorrow to discuss, so tonight guess what she is doing? She is preparing with the “love scripts” program I lent her since this has caught her so off guard she didn’t have this program yet.

    He walked away. He said a definite, NO. It had been one month and 5 days with no communication! And now, he is pleading with her to accept him back with her conditions! And he wants them too and he wants her!

    She stopped begging, convincing, trying to stay in touch. She let go of not “rocking the horse” and she got up on her horse took off and didn’t look back. Did she have some bad days? You bet she did. But she just stayed on her horse and trotted ahead. And now, he has come after her!

    I feel so hopeful and I wanted to share it with all of you.

    I love the “Scripts” program. It ties it all together- I think it is the best one yet.

    Cheers,
    Euterpe

    Wednesday, 23 May 2012 @ 7:47pm



  198.  #198Starla on May 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Euterpe 191 that feels really interesting to read, thanks for sharing.



  199.  #199Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Thanks, Radlove! Like Daria said earlier…I feel jittery HAHAHA Wheeee!!!!



  200.  #200Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Rori, these last two articles have been the best you’ve ever posted since I’ve been following. Thank you so much.

    I feel seen.
    I feel known
    I feel safe



  201.  #201Starla on May 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    omg more good tidings posted by euterpe, that is a great story!



  202.  #202Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Euterpe,

    Thanks for sharing! I love stories with happy endings! What a beautiful example of using Rori’s tools.

    I WILL get this.



  203.  #203Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Radiant Rising,

    199 – Smiles!! Ride your high, girl! Treasure pleasure! 😆



  204.  #204Radiant Rising on May 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Lol thanks Radlove, I sure will. 🙂



  205.  #205Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Thanks, Starla. I’m glad you felt it interesting. I had a good conversation on my FB page with some friends regarding the topic.

    Also, Starla and Siren Song one thing that stood out to me as I was reading the blog about both of your guys and the current response they are having is how this looks so familiar. Isn’t this what women do all the time? We send these messages when we are in the turmoil of feeling we don’t have any control and we are desperately trying to get back some control so that we feel better. And I’m noticing how it is repulsing you towards these men. And I can see why Rori says this kind of thing doesn’t work.

    Today, I had a friend who is a psychologist tell me that I should write a letter (not for Sergio, but for me, she said) how I feel about him and what I think about the situation we’re in… As one last effort to clear the air, just one last try at communicating “so I’d know I’d done everything I could” she said. And this was right after I told her the story about the”inspiring” couple I posted above! By the way she has a horrible track record with relationships.

    Given the inspiring story of the couple and what I see in how turned off you sirens are by this – I want to “follow the course”.



  206.  #206Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Starla says:

    omg more good tidings posted by euterpe, that is a great story!

    Thanks Starla!!



  207.  #207Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    202: Radlove says:

    Euterpe,

    Thanks for sharing! I love stories with happy endings! What a beautiful example of using Rori’s tools.

    I WILL get this.

    Radlove, your growth is touching my heart <3

    🙂 Euterpe:)



  208.  #208Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Radiant Rising,

    Thaaaanks for the book referral! I will pick up a copy!

    The Yin-Yang Butterfly by Valentin Chu is a staple on my bookshelf.



  209.  #209Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    Euterpe,

    207 – thank you!!



  210.  #210Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Happy Birthday to Bob Dylan – 71!



  211.  #211Radlove on May 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

    Lil girl feels happy to type the alphabet! It’s even more fun to write it in cursive.



  212.  #212Starla on May 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Reading this article makes me feel connected to the type of relationship I am looking for.



  213.  #213Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Izzy Says –

    This makes me inspired: “if I’m being a goddess warrior I just walk away and jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset and disappear into the graceful tropical palms.”

    Awww, thanks Izzy.

    I feel open……….I feel soft………..I feel like my horse



  214.  #214Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    OOps – i feel like my horse has wings!



  215.  #215Starla on May 24, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    🙂 another late night in my vortex
    i feel grateful for everything that transpires, even (especially?) the ‘bad,’ because it brings me closer and closer to my true self. i bless everything and everyone.



  216.  #216Daria on May 24, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    ok so about intensity

    i was feelin it

    i got all tightened up about this on here

    and when i went out with CD from here i was feeling all “not there”

    kinda numb and spacy

    i was feelin disappointed and sad inside

    and i was feelin drained and tired

    noticing

    so i can love on my intensity and my shutdown

    mmm

    i love my intensity and shutdown



  217.  #217Daria on May 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    i might be feeling a lot of anger

    im not sure!

    what AM i feeling

    well my mouth is like this 🙁

    so i know im feeling sad…



  218.  #218Tereana on May 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Alright. So it’s true. I’ll admit it. I put up walls. I have big, huge, massive, Wall-of-China type walls. They keep people out, and they keep me, IN. I get to go up on top of the wall and look out. I get to talk to people from up there. But nobody gets too close, and I don’t too close to anyone else. I feel safe here…

    And yes, FINE – I am willing to entertain – no, I know that it’s true – that in fact, it is actually safer to NOT have walls. But all of me doesn’t know that yet. The part of me that built the wall doesn’t know it, and it’s protecting the wall.

    Maybe I can relax. But right now, I don’t know.

    It feels like there is something precious inside the wall. There is something sacred that really DOES need protecting – at least for right now. It is like a baby bird, or a baby plant. It is not quite ready to fly or blossom or flower yet.

    But when it does, THEN, the walls will become obsolete. THEN, the walls will no longer be needed.

    I love my walls. They may not be perfect. And they may not be the way YOU want me to be right now. And they may stand in the way of me being my best self all the time, 100%. But I need them right now. I don’t know why I need them. I just need them. I trust the process. And I know they will come down when they need to come down. And nobody needs to force it, not even me.

    I feel relaxed when I think to myself that I don’t need to force myself to “take my walls down” if I’m not ready to do it. If it would hurt me more to do so than to leave them up.

    I can still practice vulnerability, and feeling and sensuality from inside my walls. I can let a few people in, and see how that feels. But I always have the safety of the walls. And I can do that if I want to. There are infinite possibilities of the Universe. I feel indignant – don’t TELL me how to do it right FOR ME. My body knows what’s right. I am sick and tired of people telling me what is right and okay for me – especially when it is not. I am a special person. I need special things. This may be special and unique to me, and I choose this, right now. I choose to keep my walls up for as long as I want to, because it feels good. And I can let them be strong, and trust myself, and let them go when I need to.

    So what I’m trying to say is – back off!!* lol 🙂

    Thank you!

    *p.s. addendum: btw, this is me yelling at my mum. Don’t take anything personally….



  219.  #219Tereana on May 24, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    Hm…I keep posting and not much response. Are these my walls? Am I keeping people out? Am I not willing to hear the response?

    I wonder what would make it possible for me to hear and listen without feeling anxious and exposed and “att*cked”? I wonder what would make it possible for me to be open to the ideas and opinions of others on the blog without any judgment or qualifications? I wonder if I can release my expectations and be surprised by what the Universe decides to show me?

    I know I am on my path. I trust the Universe to take care of me and shower me with love. I trust the people in my life to support me and lift me up. And I trust myself to know and follow what is best for me in any given moment…But most of all, I wonder if I can give up needing to be “right”? I wonder if there is a way I can release the need to be “right” without making myself “wrong…” I think I am going to sleep on it tonight.

    Good night, lovelies! Sweet dreams!



  220.  #220Jessie1000 on May 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    Tereana
    It is easier to let down your walls if you still keep your boundaries. I am figuring this out.

    When I refuse to text guys or go on last minute dates and I say no to Fu** Friends then I show them that they can come close to me but not walk all over me.

    I can let my guard down because I dont put up with bullshit.

    Its wierd–its like no one would let anyone in if they thought that the person was going to harm them. If you carry yourself and act on your feelings and stop people (men or woman) from taking advantage of you then you are much more able to be close to everyone.

    Imagine if you had a child and you never said no to them. THey would soon be conditioned to do anything they wanted….scream, trash the house, have tantrums, even yell at you. And you would think being a mother sucked.

    If you teach the child gently to respect you, your house, your feelings, then the child learns to love you, understand you, and that if they break your rules they will find themselves in time out. You will like your child, motherhood, and yourself so much more. YOu might want to have more children and the child will grow to love you not because you said YES! everytime to them but because they know that you respect your own boundaries and will be clear and guide them.

    IN some ways, this is true about all human relationships. Dont accomodate anyone but your own feelings….do it gently in a kind manner and be loving to the people around you. Be firm and clear about what you need or want. Dont take friendship when you want marriage. Dont run around and do nice things for them, let them love you and give to you. Speak up when you are harmed and when you need things. Never say yes to anyone, no matter how close, if yes means harming yourself.

    I am testing this out and Im seeing it more and more.

    I broke up with my Beau. I feel pain. BUt less pain than accomodating someone and not taking care of my own needs. It doesnt really matter if it ended or not but it mattered that I respected my own mind and feelings first then the mans next.

    I like your comments and Im listening to you. I read each and every comment on this blog and I learn from everyone.

    Good night and sweet dreams too!



  221.  #221Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 1:25 am

    I can’t sleep. I guess it is because I was hot. Trying to not think about R, but he is in almost every waking moment, and I feel like I spend my days trying to block out feelings of him. I feel so frustrated. I want to just be content and alive walking thru my days without him.

    I read all the things here about not making one man so important, and yet there he is. Ugh! I am determined to reprogram myself to know that this particular prince fell of the horse and I tore my princess dress and I need to get a new view of relationships.

    I guess it’s because he reached many places inside of me that no other human ever touched. But some of the stuff that surfaced, like this extreme neediness, was not so visible before and I feel embarrassed.

    I feel thankful for the blog; the sirens; Rori; friends; TV; air conditioning; kittens; puppies; books; jobs.



  222.  #222Ella on May 25, 2012 at 1:40 am

    Morning Sirens,

    It is a beautiful, sunny morning here and I am looking forward to my day, and weekend ahead.

    Feeling happy and peaceful.

    xoxoxox



  223.  #223Ella on May 25, 2012 at 1:45 am

    Hey Radlove,

    Not much time to chat but thought I’d say HI and turn all that focus back on you.

    xoxox



  224.  #224Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 2:09 am

    Ella,

    Good morning! Thank you, I will try to keep that focus on me and my own growth. Have a beautiful day!



  225.  #225Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 2:10 am

    I was laying down, but I can’t sleep. This time everything I need to do was going thru my mind.



  226.  #226Tam on May 25, 2012 at 2:11 am

    @ Radlove…
    I know how that feels, and am struggling of turning the focus back to me. It works for some time and then I still feel the void. A void I am unable to fill with other people or things or hobbies, or even other men.
    And my mind always wanders back to him and ‘will he be back’, even though I don’t want to think about it anymore and don’t want to hope. I know he’ll be back but not in the way I want, so what is the point in wasting any more feelings and thoughts?
    I think the worst of it is that I know he has feelings for me too, and they are probably as strong as mine but his issues are so big that he just can’t take the last step, so he weasels in and out of my life, steps up (everytime more), steps down again – and I just want to break the cycle and say ‘go away’, but I can’t 🙁



  227.  #227Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:40 am

    im feeling triggered

    TRIGGGERED

    i feel ‘like this guy shut me down’

    but i dnot think he meant to

    i also think he likes me

    also , ive got 2 other guys “semi arguing – agreeing on boundaries with me”

    tehy are the sexiest ones on my CD list, they always come back and have been very unavailable

    THEY CONTACTED ME!

    and are AT ME!

    like wild dongs

    dogs

    or dongs

    and arguimg w me

    shaking my pedesta
    l

    wanting me to prove that love is real and that a real woman exists

    and all i have to do is tell it to myself

    yay

    i am her!

    omg

    this guy tonite was DREAMY

    i want to tell you guys about it

    youg uys i was ready to have sex w mhim?!!!!

    flordia weather is making me feel very turned on1

    woooooohohhhhoooo



  228.  #228Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:43 am

    what if he thinks im a hooker?>>?

    :0

    he wont like me anymore

    or he wont klike me when he finds out im NOT a hookjer

    and im RICH
    hell hate me

    wow ummm i thought i was over this nvs

    how embarassing

    im embarassing to be rich

    i have to explain to yall why its ok for me to be rich cuz i earned it with suffering early in life

    wow!

    *THATS A CONFLICT* as margaret lynch would say



  229.  #229Vi on May 25, 2012 at 2:43 am

    I’ve just understood how scared I am thinking that people can get angry at me…
    I am remembering yesterdays litl confusion and I am getting aware of the fear I have…
    I feel terrified… I feel panic. It feels so scary.. I feel mortified …
    I feel like running and hiding somewhere .. I feel my shoulders going up.. I love my shoulders and I love my fear..
    I feel I am getting more comfortable with anger now… I feel a lil bit more relaxed…
    I would like to honor and respect anger like any other feeling.. Now I feel I am scared of feelings IN GENERAL… except sadness and fear…
    it feels so true.. I feel my eyes widely open.. I feel like they are going to cuff me…
    I feel like there is no way out… I feel overwhelmed… I feel taken aback.
    I love my fear.. I love my fear of feelings.. I forgive myself for feeling afraid of feelings and feeling feelings… babysteps…
    I love myself… ((((((((((((((((((((((me))))))))))))))))))))



  230.  #230Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:48 am

    sexy cd said he doesnt want to keep looking at me he thinks hes falling in love with me

    and he closed the IM

    i feel flattered and scared and offbalance and in ecstasy

    i LOVE this lol

    thisi s my ‘addiction? or am i just beating myself up by calling it that

    it just feels good lol

    that he said that haha

    yeah1

    i love it when guys say that and he did

    yeeeeeee

    go dee go

    the other guy is so fine too

    hes yelaling at me that he wants to fly me back

    no wait

    thats sexy cd

    he wants to fly me back

    the other guy just wantes to either come here or me go to him

    and me to call him

    al ot

    like a feamle lion he thinks she hunts men well no buddy

    i know how this game goes

    they are both just showing me dumbass (a lot of) attention

    i am defeinitely ‘their’ type lol

    hahahhahahaah

    i win

    win!

    me win



  231.  #231Tam on May 25, 2012 at 2:50 am

    @ Daria…be happy to be rich, it’s not something anyone with any sense would ‘hate’ you for.
    Some people are poor, others are not – doesn’t mean one should hate them or like them for either being one or the other?
    The daily struggle for money is a pain, and restricts what I can do very much. I am super happy for you that you don’t have that particular pain and hope you’ll enjoy it as much as you can. 🙂



  232.  #232Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:16 am

    ‘i ruined it’

    that feels sad

    umf

    i cant ruin it

    ouch

    freakazoidals

    urrrrrh

    purrrrrrh



  233.  #233Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:28 am

    Daria – teaching lil boys to lik pusdy since ’87



  234.  #234Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:32 am

    The finest Best guy just came over here and kicked it. Just cuz I put my intention

    Oh my god

    But the i felt horrified NAND sad when he said ‘ima busy man’ when I asked Him to take me

    I feel so harassed

    I’m nearing myself up

    It was adorable how I asked

    He just doesn’t wana take me haha

    Cuz he does t think it wd wrk put to take me to a strip club

    Awww

    I feel glad I wrote about this
    I feel Reluef!!!



  235.  #235Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 4:49 am

    When you realize that by changing your perspective, big things can be seen as little things, it becomes much harder to worry about anything.
    Actually, it becomes impossible.
    Funky cold medina,
    The Universe

    Thoughts become things… choose the good ones! ®
    © http://www.tut.com ®



  236.  #236April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Jessie

    “I broke up with my Beau. I feel pain. BUt less pain than accomodating someone and not taking care of my own needs. It doesnt really matter if it ended or not but it mattered that I respected my own mind and feelings first then the mans next.”

    I feel so soothed reading this. I feel I have a sister who feels the same as me.



  237.  #237iris on May 25, 2012 at 4:58 am

    it is every word, emotion, characteristics, and feelings there is in love..i super like it. thanks for posting.



  238.  #238April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 4:59 am

    I broke up with WM. I feel his pain first, then mine. I feel frantic – I must reverse the decision….aaargh…

    Then I remember how free and happy I feel having taken this detachment from him.

    I can now circular date in a ‘cleaner’ way energetically.

    He is free to ask me on dates, I have said this.

    He said his pride may not let him.

    I feel curious to see if he will step up to it. If not, my decision holds true.
    And, if he does step up to claim me, I will have revealed a greater desire in him for me. And that will feel good.



  239.  #239Dominique on May 25, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Ella – #132 – Yes…You understand. Now as you say it’s about trusting yourself and also feeling okay with yourself even if you do allow a situation which turns out not to feel so great.

    Often it has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you in that moment, how you feel physically shifts your thoughts much more than you may realize. If you have a cramp or a headache, the tendency is to entertain more of the bad feeling thoughts.

    xxoo



  240.  #240April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 5:32 am

    It felt so good to hear Cherry Norris say the following in her video “How to juggle more than one Man”

    “The more men you date, the more choices you have. More men keeps you from going prematurely monogamous, and helps you learn what you like and what you don’t like about men much faster”.



  241.  #241Dominique on May 25, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Receiving Girl – # 173 – Try crushing your pills in a mortar and pestle and dissolve in juice or anything that tastes good to mask the nasty pill flavor.

    xxoo



  242.  #242April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 5:37 am

    If I look back on my relationships (there have been about 7 or 8 of a few years each), I feel silly.

    Serial monogamy!!!
    (yes, Cherry, I went prematurely monogamous every time)

    THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN DATES!!!! Not relationships!!!

    Ha ha haaa. Laughing long now.

    I do feel grateful that I am seeing this big A HAAAA

    and I am still young and have time. Yay!!!



  243.  #243April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 5:46 am

    I’m keeping an open heart here….breathe….. whilst feeling shocked and like I’ve been struck a blow to the stomach.

    Just had a text from a man (a gay man in fact) who sells and alters vintage dresses.

    I’ll write the text exchange:

    Him: Hope it arrived okay x. (He was referring to a gorgeous turquoise silk dress he was shortening for me – we’d agreed knee length. It arrived and was a mini.)

    Me: The dress arrived today! Thanks for sending it. I feel a bit shocked cos it is shorter than I was expecting. I’d like to feel confident to wear it, tho’. It fits very nicely. Thank you xxx

    Him: Well I did it 2 the measurements & I’ve been doing this 4 20yrs so it will not be from my end, maybe u have grown x x



  244.  #244April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 5:48 am

    I don’t know what to reply.
    I don’t want to make him wrong. But I do feel like crying about the dress.



  245.  #245Siren Angel on May 25, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Feeling very triggered this morning. He wants me to decide if we should go away this weekend. I told him it would feel nice… I don’t know what to do… I don’t want to make the plan and make the decision.



  246.  #246Siren Angel on May 25, 2012 at 6:21 am

    (((April Rose))) that must feel awful.



  247.  #247Siren Angel on May 25, 2012 at 6:22 am

    And my NV has been very active this week (I’m menstrutating). I feel yucky. I don’t know what to say more about the weekend…



  248.  #248Siren Angel on May 25, 2012 at 6:27 am

    I’m feeling a little awry and cranky and very indecisive. I want to feel safe and happy and taken care of.

    I intend to feel taken care of and loved and cherished deeply.



  249.  #249Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Tam,

    226 – Thank you, sounds like you are going through the same thing.



  250.  #250Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 6:47 am

    April Rose,

    237 – That sounds healthy and strong.



  251.  #251Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 6:49 am

    April Rose,

    241 – “Serial monogamy!!!
    (yes, Cherry, I went prematurely monogamous every time)

    THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN DATES!!!! Not relationships!!!

    Ha ha haaa. Laughing long now.”

    I feel happy for you that you are able to laugh about it. I feel scared, because I still feel tempted to pursue monogamy. I feel too needy and weak to handle CDing. there, I said it.



  252.  #252Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 6:49 am

    subscribing*



  253.  #253Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 6:51 am

    OMG April Rose, his response sounds a bit defensive to me.



  254.  #254Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 6:56 am

    April Rose,

    242 – What length had you agreed on? Sorry to hear that. Could it be made right by adding a length of lacy stuff?



  255.  #255Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Siren Angel,

    244 – I feel confused…what is wrong with saying yes?



  256.  #256siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:04 am

    i feel so good today!

    i have a date after work, then a video shoot, then my own housewarming party saturday. guy who loves me tried to invite himself, but i told him i felt weird about everything and that i won’t be in contact with him until things feel better between us.

    yay



  257.  #257siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:14 am

    also, i’ve been reading some of paul dobransky’s stuff and listening to his teleseminars. he talks about the need for boundaries for commitment.

    i grew up with two alchoholics. i didn’t learn a lot about boundaries and saying no (to self or others). I have always sort of frozen when unacceptable stuff happens.

    looking back at guy who loves me, he didn’t really respect my (likely weak) boundaries and he didn’t have good boundaries himself.

    that’s what i’m going to focus on, learning to say no and walk away for unacceptable behaviour.

    calling me ‘lame’ and tell me to F off were uancceptable. ranting at me for hours is unacceptable. i am glad i walked away. it’s not my job to facilitate his emotional expression. not in this way.

    i was just rereading rori’s article about unearthing a man’s anger. she says ‘you don’t want to be with a man who is constantly berating you or withdrawing from you where you have to be the one always “changing”’

    this was the case with us. it was not even like 30% of the time…it was almost constant when we were alone by the end.



  258.  #258Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Siren Song I feel confused about “until things feel better between us”. I understand you will not be contacting him. Have you committed to allowing him back in if he upgrades himself? Does he know that? Are you both on the same page as far as dealbreakers go? Has he agreed to stay in touch?



  259.  #259Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Siren Song,

    256 – Good for you!! I want to work more with holding and setting and respecting boundaries. I, also, was raised without firm boundaries. If someone sets a boundary, it’s like my instant job to test it. I want to heal that.

    Let’s go, Team Strong, Healthy Boundaries!



  260.  #260siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:34 am

    i have committed to allowing him back if he gets the anger under control and he is open to me dating other men until we are engaged. he’s just not open to that.

    in fact the two last texts he sent were: ‘why stay in touch? so you can tell me about the other man you are going to marry?’ and ‘i remember going to the pixies concert. i loved it so much with your head against my chest’.

    that’s essense of our relationship: he won’t really move forward and claim me, but he loves me.

    i really just need to start focusing on cd again.



  261.  #261siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:37 am

    i also feel so turned off by him telling me i didn’t ‘give’ enough to him. ew



  262.  #262Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Siren Song I am sure this processing is helping you to become clear about yourself, what you want in your life and your non-negotiables. Thanks for sharing.



  263.  #263Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 7:45 am

    April Rose! Wear the dress! Wear no underwear!
    If you really cant, then tell him you need another and send it back.
    BUT dont send it back because your afraid of attention!
    Get some!
    It feels good! Look sexy! Be sexy!
    Have different personas, guys love it if you look different every time you see them.
    I have a very librarian look, dress pants, dress shirt, small glasses,straightened hair.
    I wear it for first dates.
    Next date, if I like them, I dress it up!
    I wear a short dress, very high heels and my hair all in curls!
    Next date, I wear tight jeans and alot of jewellery with my hair in a updo…work that updo….have you seen that link

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW–7ZmXrXo

    I never let them see me dressed the same way.

    My Beau used to say I was Jessy Spice cause I was always looking new.
    Sometimes I just wear shorts and Tshirt and a cotton bra and only a tiny make up….and all ways make them wondering!

    Its like showing your many layers with different ways you dress!

    Sorry to hear you are having a hard time!

    But dont be scared to ask for what you need….even if they say no. Let them see your feelings and let them show you who you are and decide how to handle you….If he cares about you as a customer, he will make you happy.
    If he doesnt, find a new dresser lol



  264.  #264Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Cdating will help you get a better sense of yourself, grow your opinion of yourself and shift your vibe, is what I have learned from Rori.



  265.  #265siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:49 am

    thanks for your comments, FW!

    i really really really don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who can’t keep his commitments (the counselling), who has serious boundary issues and who isn’t psyched to marry me.

    i am good enough to marry the way i am. i don’t need to change and become more giving so guy who loves me will give me a ring.

    wow. this is the truth!



  266.  #266Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Jessie,

    262 – LOL, love it!



  267.  #267Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Yayyy siren song I feel so reassured by your strength and confidence.



  268.  #268siren song on May 25, 2012 at 7:56 am

    🙂



  269.  #269Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Euterpe
    Im so in with the slow sex movement!
    Number 1 member, I just joined the club!

    Why rush when you can wait
    Why not talk and when the heat builds up then take off your clothes

    Why not warm each other with your brains, your company, your food…some of these things are more erotic than getting drunk and screwing…lol

    When it happens then, its like fire and oil

    Its soo good that you can just lay there and do nothing and they will love it …cause they caught you

    its all about the chase ….them chasing you and not anything to do with skills, bjs, or lingerie.

    Let them work for it. Make them have to work to deserve you.

    Be fussy and deliberate about who you want to hook up with cause our body is a temple that should be worshipped not desecrated!!!

    Kisses Euterpe
    I love it, and its not that Im against anything else and any way that a woman uses or expresses her sexuality…its just this option is less gratifying instantly and more gratifying in the long term….if thats what you are looking for (I am)

    However, I do suggest that if you have been in a long term RRR. and he treated you bad and you need to break out of his spelll…break the seal with someone else….cause it will remove the feeling that you belong to him and thats OK….
    Breaking the seal lol is often a pivotal place for moving on!



  270.  #270siren song on May 25, 2012 at 8:00 am

    it feels really awesome to claim marriage as something i want and am worthy of.

    guy who loves me needs me to ‘give’ so i can ‘take’ him? hell no.



  271.  #271April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I replied,

    “I thought we were staying below the knee! But this short look may be just the thing I need to make me feel like a sexy kitten …. meeow xx”



  272.  #272Mel on May 25, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Awww…

    So last night, when I went over, Mr A had grilled a delicious dinner, bought me flowers, and a picked up a special dessert just for me. He said: “I wanted to take care of my butterfly…” I feel lucky. Being taken care of feels nice. 🙂



  273.  #273Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Siren song!
    The takers are such bad news….they are just users and mooches in disguise.
    If a guy likes you and you can just be yourself without any giving or accomodating….what a life you would have as a marriage!
    You could laugh with him cause he likes your personality not what you do for him.
    You could grow old with him and he would still feel the same for you as he did when you first met.
    You could pass away in his arms and he would cry at your funeral at your ripe old ages and you would be buried in peace knowing you were genuinely loved for your whole life.

    Takers book when you get sick
    Takers book when you have hard times.
    Takers send you to your mothers funeral and tell you to give me a call if you get upset.
    Takers leave when the going gets rough.
    Takers fall in love with aesthetics because they thought you were always going to be Hot and look good and not because they knew you and your whole soul.
    Takers dont appreciate because they need someone to harm themselves in order to feel good about themselves.
    Takers will make you raise your kids yourself.
    Takers will eventually leave.



  274.  #274Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Jessie,

    268 – I love how you expressed that, and I agree 100%! I think you could submit that as an article to Cosmopolitan! And in the sentence about bjs, you could add “pjs”, too! 🙂

    “its all about the chase ….them chasing you and not anything to do with skills, bjs, pjs, or lingerie.”



  275.  #275Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Mel,

    271 – Beautiful! Happy for you!



  276.  #276Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Jessie,

    272 – Another publishable article! Beautifully said! Right on! You’re on a roll today, girl!



  277.  #277April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Jessie,

    I couldn’t connect to the link you gave. Was it about updo’s? I’d so love to put my hair up but don’t know where to start.



  278.  #278Emerson on May 25, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Hello Sirens
    🙂
    Siren Song and Jessie
    Interesting what you are saying about “takers”….
    I have just skimmed through posts but I see what you’re saying and it’s striking home with me because I’ve been a lil disappointed” with OrangeCrushCD.

    Well apparently his first proposition to “make a deal” and trade a date for me teachign him something is an indicator of his way of relating….

    We talked on the phone and I told him I felt impressed he is bilingual and told him it would feel great if he could teach me a lil bit of his language and he specifically said this “Then you have to do something for me if I do that right?” I paused before I answered and I said “probably not” and then I proceeded to get off the phone. And the conversation was kind of like that a few other times too….like oh why don’t you let me know if you want to invite me to do this or that anytime let me know….(what?? I’m not inviting a man!) or….
    Oh you can do this for me if I do that for you….

    I hung up the phone feeling totally turned off and really don’t care if I talk to him for a while.

    I also don’t like talking on the phone too much.

    I feel a little frustrated and turned off and disappointed after that kind of a conversation.

    Help. I am rethinking my quality of men that I’m attracting. Maybe I should aim for MUCH older than me??? I don’t know anymore.



  279.  #279siren song on May 25, 2012 at 8:34 am

    jessie,

    yeah, i was pretty giving…we just naturally are as women. hell, i just wanted to be with him with a sense of security.

    i wonder what it would be like to be with someone who just straight-up loved me and wanted to make me happy who was still exciting. that’s what i want.



  280.  #280Emerson on May 25, 2012 at 8:35 am

    I can’t relate to this article at all as Ive never had this problem with a man but it’s good to know and good info in case I ever need it. It’s interesting and I would feel really worried and scared if that happened to me witha man but it had not happened to him before!!



  281.  #281siren song on May 25, 2012 at 8:36 am

    emerson, yeah, that feels weird



  282.  #282April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Radlove

    “I feel happy for you that you are able to laugh about it. I feel scared, because I still feel tempted to pursue monogamy. I feel too needy and weak to handle CDing. there, I said it.”

    CDing will lead you to find your best monogamous match. It’s fine to go into it feeling all your feelings (including needy/weak). Whatever happens, you will handle it.

    And, as Femininewoman says,

    “Cdating will help you get a better sense of yourself, grow your opinion of yourself and shift your vibe…”



  283.  #283April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Emerson,

    He gave you a perfect opportunity to express a boundary
    (Yeah, I know, easy for me to say that to you now, but not so easy to come up with it in the moment!)

    Somethin along the lines of …. “I don’t want romance to be about trade-offs. As a woman I feel happiest when I can freely receive a man’s attention/gifts without him expecting anything in return.”



  284.  #284Lucy on May 25, 2012 at 8:47 am

    I love this article – it really expands our limited ideas about sexuality – it’s true that in our culture so many aspects of our bodies and our sexuality are not honored. Thanks for sharing this with us, Rori. It’s really beautiful!



  285.  #285Starla on May 25, 2012 at 8:53 am

    There are a lot of conflicts right now with the people in my life that I never felt fully comfortable about, and I knew this would happen as I get more and more aligned with myself. I have been a slave to maintaining relationships with people that don’t always feel good, just because I thought it was what I should do to be a good friend. Or what I should do so as not to squander the relationships I have, given that I don’t have a lot of close friends or family.

    I feel guilty for all the things these people have given me, and that it wasn’t enough to stop me from disconnecting from them.

    And I feel scared that I’m distancing myself from these people because I have a psychological issue with intimacy, though my therapist isn’t worried.

    But I think that’s my NVs.

    I just feel like a bad person.

    But I think life would be better without these dysfunctional, unhealthy feeling friendships.

    I unfriended a lot of people or unsubscribed from them on my facebook feed. I feel lighter. There is so much negativity and anxiety emanating from my facebook feed. I put that fire out finally.

    My old friend who dumped me as a friend cuz I wouldn’t talk to him while I was grieving my friend’s su(cide, since he was saying it wasn’t important (grr), is now back in contact with me and trying to take me on trips to make it up to me or out to fancy meals… I said no, that we could catch up over coffee one of these days. That’s it.

    I feel terrified to burn bridges but I know in my soul I must be brave and make room for something better.



  286.  #286Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Jessie ur so right about that….. guys love it when u change ur look….. i LOVE changing my look, cuz i like role play AND i have multiple personlities…. sometimes im an innocent little girl…. sometimes im a kitten…. most of the time im Josephine Baker reincarnated (i truly believe that for multiple reasons, people have also said that I remind them of her), sometimes im a character that escaped straight from desperate housewives…. sometimes i escaped straight from gossip girl….. and in extreme cases…. i feel like i escaped straight from the bad girls club!

    I change my hair all the time. I had brown curly hair with gold streaks last time most CDs saw me…. when one CD saw me last weekend he was like “SO THATS WHAT U DO? U JUST HAVE RED HAIR NOW? HOW COME YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?” heehee…… i giggled and said, “I would have loved for you to know but we havent seen each other till now. I love this red hair though”



  287.  #287Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Those of u on the FB page may kno that my day started out badly…. i woke up angry and that felt bad. I can copy the story onto the blog.

    I am happy to report that my day has gotten way better 🙂



  288.  #288Lucy on May 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Emerson- yeah, that stood out to me also – that it was happening with her (woman in article) but never had before for him (hopefully he is being honest with her). It actually sounds like a couple I know a little and I’m wondering if it could actually be them! (longshot I know) If so, she is a good bit older than he is and she is somewhat “mothering” toward him, which he loves, but maybe would affect him sexually.



  289.  #289Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I woke up from a dream this morning feeling so angry. It was one of many dreams i’ve had about a cd and his ex and we were all in a crazy love triangle that began a year ago. It was my worse romantic experience ever and i woke up so angry i could tear the sheets. In the dream we lived together and he allowed her to come spend some time and she kept ridiculing me and he seemed okay with that so i started being a bitch to her because i was mad at both of them. Don’t know if these feelings are coming back because this is when it all started last year or because 2 days ago i saw something on facebook that reminded me of it and i started acting closed off with him. When i opened up and told him he was sympathetic but we haven’t talked since. Im just leaning back and trying to deal with this anger



  290.  #290Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Starla,

    284 – Sometimes I feel a need for everyone’s approval in order to feel good about myself. It’s hard to feel steady inside when we didn’t come from a stable, loving family.

    But I believe the answer is unconditional, unfailing love.



  291.  #291Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:21 am

    whoops….. it went into moderation cuz of the B word…. well here’s how my morning started (copied from FB page)

    I woke up from a dream this morning feeling so angry. It was one of many dreams i’ve had about a cd and his ex and we were all in a crazy love triangle that began a year ago. It was my worse romantic experience ever and i woke up so angry i could tear the sheets. In the dream we lived together and he allowed her to come spend some time and she kept ridiculing me and he seemed okay with that so i started being a b*tch to her because i was mad at both of them. Don’t know if these feelings are coming back because this is when it all started last year or because 2 days ago i saw something on facebook that reminded me of it and i started acting closed off with him. When i opened up and told him he was sympathetic but we haven’t talked since. Im just leaning back and trying to deal with this anger



  292.  #292Starla on May 25, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Unfortunately, one of my friends I’d like to distance myself from is recovering from emergency surgery. His appendix had grown very large and The doctors had to remove some of his surrounding tissues to get it out. The thing is, the friendship had been on the rocks for a while. While he was in the hospital, I was very kind and concerned, but now he’s recovering and being a succubus again. He has always been a pity-case (pardon my harsh words) about his physical well-being, and it’s just constant complaining about his physical and emotional state for months and months now (but he just had his appendix out a couple weeks ago). So today when he was complaining that he didn’t want to take his opiated Tylenols anymore, but he was in pain when he took no pain meds, I suggested he take plain Tylenols. Of course, he had a million and one reasons why he couldn’t do that (illogical, wtf). Then he got upset with me. I asked him to leave me alone for a while and he said okay. Now he is emailing me about how he is going to the hospital because his wounds are bleeding, blah blah blah… I KNOW I sound like a heartless b*tch, but I don’t care. He is recovering at his mom’s house and has his whole family there and doesn’t need to suck *me* dry like this, or reference his physical ailments whenever I get upset, and honestly half the time he says he is going to the doctor or the hospital, I don’t think he actually goes.

    And sometimes he talks about his sex life and sexual urges and I don’t want to hear about it, and I tell him that, but I still have to speak up about it sometimes! And I know he will say to me that he’s done so much for me (he has, although he holds it over my head even though I didn’t ask him for any of it) and that I’m an awful b*tch for not wanting to be a part of his life right now.

    Oh well.

    He owns my domain name, so hopefully he doesn’t freak out and have it redirect to bestiality p0rn or something lol



  293.  #293Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Emoticon,

    285 – Haha! That’s fun to change your look, and I like how you handled the CD who hadn’t spent time with you recently!

    My therapist told me a while back I’m a mood dresser. She was tuned in to what I was wearing, my hair, whether or not I wore makeup. And I realized it was true…when I’m in depression, I dress poorly. When I am feeling good about life, I take time to dress nicely.

    I like different looks, too, especially when I’m slender. I get a kick out of people’s surprise when they get a glimpse of my complex inner self…that I’m not one dimensional.

    At my current size, I mostly dress to look slenderizing and youthful. So my favorite look is a tank top under a sheer, feminine blouse over black jeans.



  294.  #294Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Starla

    290 – succubus – “In folklore traced back to medieval legend, a succubus (plural succubi) is a female de*mon appearing in dreams who takes the form of a human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. The male counterpart is the incubus. Religious traditions hold that repeated intercourse with a succubus may result in the deterioration of health or even death.

    “In modern fictional representations, a succubus may or may not appear in dreams and is often depicted as a highly attractive seductress or enchantress; whereas, in the past, succubi were generally depicted as frightening and de*monic.”

    ~ Wikipedia

    I wonder if this is this what you meant to say?



  295.  #295Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Starla…. WOW…. no offense to your friend but that sounds annoying. I dont blame you at all for asking him to leave u alone.

    The visual I got reading your story is the same one i got in the beginning of Rori’s ebook… where ur holding onto your man’s shirt and he’s trying to get away….. I would imagine myself feeling like the man in that situation. with a sickly hand just pulling on my shirt like wtf, chill……



  296.  #296Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Radlove…… yep moods can affect the way u dress and ALSO the other way around. I find that when im depressed getting my nails done and wearing pink or yellow makes me feel a little more optimistic, especially with all the male attention it brings lol



  297.  #297Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Emoticon,

    294 – Yes! Sometimes I intentionally get dressed up when I’m feeling down, and then the mood follows.



  298.  #298Starla on May 25, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Maybe I am just anti-social and don’t like people as much as I thought I did.

    I dunno, I like the positive people:) but i get the sense the most positive people i socialize with don’t socialize with ME as much as they might because I’M negative at times. haha.



  299.  #299Starla on May 25, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I am guilty as my ‘negative’ friends at being negative. We end up having these friendships where all we do is vent to each other, or relay every little thought through text message. It feels overwhelming and unhealthy and like there are no boundaries, omg i DO NOT like this.

    I don’t want to be a ruminating friend. I feel addicted to venting and ruminating and sharing, but I know it’s not healthy and I need to make friends with my own inner voices and personality, instead of sharing them with other people so I don’t have to be alone with them.



  300.  #300April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I like my ‘accidental mini dress’ so much I went to the thrift store and bought another one!

    Watch out world. April Rose’s gorgeous legs are comin’ out……



  301.  #301lk on May 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

    wow……

    i feel…. Delicious today. i really cracked myself open yesterday & it felt………. SO SCARY : )) ummm & …. very near to Total Destruction….. & i really got to say & hear everything i wanted….. & i feel so so full of love…. & also, peace & playfulness : )

    go go ! this is good : )

    i had these visions of things i needed to be doing… & they all seemed like i had to Leave CD’s House…………….. but….. after agonizing silently about it…… getting sadder….more & more disconnected…. i broke open once….. not enough………….then again, & completely…. & he Fixed it !! & he showed me ways i can have my visions come true without Leaving….

    feel happy : ))) (((((((((cd))))))))) ((((((((((((lk))))))))))))



  302.  #302April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I feel nervous and excited to try a sexier, younger look.

    It would be so outside my normal pattern.

    Feeling a bit embarassed about wearing mini’s at age 44

    Now I must create the confidence to carry it off.



  303.  #303lk on May 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

    (((Starla))) thank you for letting me be a Negative Friend : ))))) i appreciate it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )))



  304.  #304Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

    April Rose….. I read 14 not 44 heehee thats funny…. maybe thats a sign… i say WEAR IT….



  305.  #305Starla on May 25, 2012 at 10:36 am

    lk this is wonderful!!! yay thanks for sharing!!

    (also, i feel jealous, hmph

    glad to have the whole long holiday weekend to shower myself with mucho love:):))



  306.  #306April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Thanks Emoticon,
    I will.

    And I do have fabulous legs!



  307.  #307Starla on May 25, 2012 at 10:39 am

    lk, you are NOT a negative friend. I’m so sorry if the way I’m describing these people makes it sound like anything you say or do isn’t okay! You seem golden to me. ((((((((((lk)))))))))))))))



  308.  #308Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 10:39 am

    April Rose <3 share them with the world 🙂



  309.  #309Rose on May 25, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Yumm April Rose that feels exciting about your gorgeous shorter dress!! What sexy shoes are you wear with it? 🙂



  310.  #310ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 10:49 am

    197: Euterpe

    Such a wonderful, inspiring story. Thanks for sharing!



  311.  #311April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 10:50 am

    I have some cute flat pumps that are sky blue with a lace pattern cut-out all around them.
    Going to wear off-white tights. and then I want to add some chunky necklaces.



  312.  #312Starla on May 25, 2012 at 10:55 am

    april rose, i feel really excited about your dress! you’re inspiring me! i intend to wear short dresses and skirts all weekend long now:)

    I love my legs, woohoo.



  313.  #313ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 11:04 am

    @240

    Thank you for the suggestion, Dominique! 🙂



  314.  #314April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Here is the complete text convo with my gay dresser (lol):

    him: Hope it’s arrived ok x

    me: It arrived today. Thanks for sending it. I feel shocked cos its shorter than I expected. I’d like to feel confident to wear it so short, tho. It fits very nicely. Thank you xx

    him: Well I did it 2 the measurements and I’ve been doing this 4 20 years so it will not be from my end, maybe u have grown x x

    me: I thought we were staying below the knee! but this short look may be just the thing I need to make me feel like a sexy kitten… meeeow xx

    him: No love we’re doing fox 60’s chick with off white tights. X x

    me: Sweet. i got some cute blue pumps to go with it. just need some bling now to complete the look x

    him: Fabaroo x x



  315.  #315lk on May 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

    & i finished my box of cigarettes today & i am going to make it into a Universe Box : )))) how fun !! thank you, ladies for the fun suggestion : ))

    starla, i didn’t think you were “talking about” Me : ) but i do share that feeling of unease with the Ruminating/Venting friendships……….. even though they are flipping Addictive !!! : ) & a good friend will of course let you vent/ruminate aloud if you need/want to : ))) …… : )



  316.  #316lk on May 25, 2012 at 11:15 am

    OMG april rose… why doesn’t someone dress me ?! …. i love it !!! i love how he just tells you what’s up & that you’re going to be fabulous : )))))) sounds HOT : )))))



  317.  #317Starla on May 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

    i have some good long-term friendships that naturally have an easy balance of ruminating/being in the present moment. One of them, though, we don’t hang out very much… i think because i’m a negative nancy and he’s just not on that level 99.9999 percent of the time, and can’t handle toooo much of me hehe.

    I also have a lot of “influential” friends but I feel so much pressure when I hang out with them, because they’re powerful people!

    I intend to have ease and positivity in my social life.

    I know the first step is finding ease and positivity in my inner life:)

    I am not broken and everything is gonna be gooood

    (((((((starla))))))))



  318.  #318Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

    April Rose think Tina Turner.



  319.  #319ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I felt happy to receive a “Good morning have a good Friday!” text from Mr. Observant this morning. He sent it right when he knows I’m waking up. 🙂 I’m really looking forward to seeing him this weekend.



  320.  #320ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

    April Rose, the dress sounds hot 🙂 You go girl!!



  321.  #321Daria on May 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

    ” good friend will of course let you vent/ruminate aloud if you need/want to”

    i guess ima ‘ bad friend’ – i feel pist – but i dont like that

    i dont want anybody ruminating to me and saying shit that feels bad to me and putting other people down and complaining

    i dont want to listen to it



  322.  #322Starla on May 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

    lk i want to make a universe box. I still haven’t! I could make it out of the pretty origami paper i have at home:)



  323.  #323Daria on May 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

    sooooo i shouldnt’ chase the sexy man right>?



  324.  #324Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 11:35 am

    OMG…. I just went on my friend’s wedding website and the music made me WANT TO SCREAM….. I love romantic music but this one was just….. sigh…. it was like an unpopular 90’s love song wit a male group, that sounded okay but it didnt make me feel lovey-dovey…. i jus felt… like ahhhhh arghhh



  325.  #325Daria on May 25, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Emoticon – oooh i love Josephine Baker!!!

    i read a whole biography of her weeeeeee thats feels so awesome that you feel that you are her reincarnated omg!



  326.  #326ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

    I feel like buy new sandals for my date.

    Daria, right, don’t chase sexy man…make him chase you ;P



  327.  #327April Rose on May 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Daria – are you contemplating leaning forward?

    I feel surprised



  328.  #328lk on May 25, 2012 at 11:41 am

    daria, lol : ) i don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or impatient with me : )

    i feel amused because i keep checking to see if you’ve responded to my Venting Email & you haven’t & now i feel more clear on why : ) & even at the time, i knew that you would not “Agree” with a lot of the ish i was “spewing” LOL… & actually considered sending an email saying something to you like, “oh, daria – now i feel a little silly because i know what you Believe about a lot of things & usually I Agree with you & actually in this ‘venting’ email, i do not ‘agree’ with myself in most ways”

    this “not agreeing with myself” feeling comes from trying to write a story where i can “control the outcome” & feel like it “makes sense”

    (((lk))) (((daria))) : )



  329.  #329lk on May 25, 2012 at 11:42 am

    daria, do what you want : )



  330.  #330Femininewoman on May 25, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Daria I feel uncomfortable with the image “chasing” conjure up in my mind.



  331.  #331Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Daria 🙂 thanx



  332.  #332Rose on May 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Love it April, you hot 60s chick, you 🙂 I feel inspired too, now I am really excited picking up 2 dresses tonight that I had shortened and fitted yay!



  333.  #333Starla on May 25, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    tomorrow i’m going to put on my 400 dollar cowgirl boots that i have yet to wear and walk down to the grocery store or something. I feel so scared to wear them! Like how dare I wear something so catchy and expensive and over the top.

    but I must face my fears! hehe



  334.  #334Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    April Rose,

    298 – “I like my ‘accidental mini dress’ so much I went to the thrift store and bought another one!”

    Haha! You go girl! Glad you like it afterall!



  335.  #335Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    April Rose, maybe u will break out some short shorts 4 the summer 😉



  336.  #336Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    April Rose,

    300 – Just think like a rockstar! There’s nothing wrong with flaunting it at age 44! I see people like Suzanne Somers and Jane Fonda and others who are rockin it at 60, 70, even Betty White at what? 80?

    Walk tall, baby!



  337.  #337ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    All this talk about short shorts and short sexy dresses makes me think how I need to start working out again. I was doing really good, but this past month has found me doing nothing. I hope after my vacation next week, my flare will be over and I will have more energy to start it up again.



  338.  #338Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Receiving girl…. i wanna see u in short shorts too….. SHORT SHORTS PARTY ON SIREN ISLAND….. i puttin my chicken legs out 🙂



  339.  #339ReceivingGirl on May 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    @336 Emoticon

    I have no problem wearing short shorts if I’m in heels and I don’t sit down! ;P



  340.  #340Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    RG goooood…. so u will be dancing all night



  341.  #341lk on May 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    ooooooh weeeee : )

    ok i just “got” something LOL & i find it pretty funny…

    so, rori says, “i am enough,” is a good mantra….. i kept getting tripped out by it …. like… oh, lk you’re delusional. you’re all a bunch of delusional, fat women (idk…lol…. anywayz)…

    but i GET IT now (i think) or at least, i get what is True about it for me… like, ” *I* am enough ”

    like, not just “enough” For Him (Lame.)… just… Enough : )

    & it can be re-stated in a million ways every time *i* feel an insecurity or fear….

    *i* am __anything!__ enough : )

    i am pretty enough, i am sweet enough, i am empathetic enough, i am humble enough, i am fiscally-savvy enough, i am energized enough

    : )))) i really am : ) i really am enough : ) i am INFINITELY enough : ))) really love it : ) really feeling good about all of this : )



  342.  #342Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I went to the five year relationship…its a movie about a couple who keep putting off their wedding because they havent worked out all their problems perfectly.

    But, the guy moves for her to do her post doc and he loves her.

    I wish Old News had done that for me. He sucks. I felt happy and sad during the movie cause its not too often you see men making sacrifices for the woman.

    Usually its the woman going everywhere for the guy.
    It was nice to see the opposite in this flick and there are many laughs too.

    I think their issues though were real. IF I get a full time job and have to move again, who will come with me? Could I ever trust a man to want my career as much as his own?

    I hope so.

    Im still hopeful but also pretty realistic too that having the dream job doesnt mean marital success. In fact, it may mean alot of dating in my future and I better get good at it so I at least have some company until I can settle into one place.

    I will get better at dating.

    I will not be shy and give up.

    I will enjoy the conversation and being taken out and forget about anything more.

    I will play safe for now but not stay like a shut in if my Mr Forever is not going to be here in my town.



  343.  #343Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    thanks Tam! 🙂



  344.  #344lk on May 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    2 more things… my boss is being super-supportive of me right now & it feels SHOCKING because he is normally Mr. Grumpy-Pants… but he’s all, “oh, when would feel good for your deadline to be ?” & “oh, think outside the box on this one” instead of his normal “i need it yesterday !” & ” don’t get carried away ! ” LOL : ) ((((((bossman)))))

    & also that other lady is going WAYYYYYYYYY out of her way to be nice to me…. like…. forwarding useful information to me ( & not copying anyone on it LOL)… & trying to connect with me about her personal life : ))) feels sweet : )



  345.  #345Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    help im pining over the guy who was here last nite!



  346.  #346Starla on May 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    my boss is ornery again and I am learning not to internalize it, this feels so exciting:)



  347.  #347Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    ach CD is teasing me about liking other guys and i feel GUILTY and also amused

    ahh

    i feel terrified too that terror that the guy is gonna throw a girly hissy fit and turn into a rude gay not attracted or being nice guy on me



  348.  #348Dominique on May 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    April Rose – #298 – Life can be so perfect. I feel delighted you kept yourself open to possibility.

    xxoo



  349.  #349Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    im wondering if CD is like spying on my computer or something lol

    wtf

    i hope not lol

    he’s like making fun of me for hanging out with these guys i dont even know (how does he know i am doing that, i mean he may be reading my social network i dono but either way its not clear)

    maybe hes reading the blog hehe

    oh this feels triggering to me i choose to vote for me



  350.  #350Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    its such a turn off when guys do this it feels so triggering to me

    it triggers ‘unworthyiness’ issues and i get MOre turned off than necessary

    its ok daria, they just like me thats all

    🙂

    theyre not gonan turn on me and call me bad names and rape me



  351.  #351Dominique on May 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Starla – I want pictures. Let go of the cost fear, and just enjoy. This reminds me of women who never use their wedding china or crystal glasses or save them for special, and special never comes.

    Every day is special. Wear your boots with pride and love.

    Don’t forget pictures. 🙂 Please….

    xxoo



  352.  #352Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    daria….he might watch your house. lol i had a wierdy that was seriously watching the house, checking when my car went out…he would always magically call just when i pulled out and ask me where I was going.

    He was so creepy. I met him at a tim hortons and he was so hot and sexy but def. controlling and wierd.

    He shut down everything I was doing. He was a joy killer. He told me his woman cheated on him and he had to be careful now. His controlling ways made me want to run run run.

    But he was seriously the hottest guy that ever took me out. He was tall, all muscles, big brown eyes, and people would stop and turn around when we walked around anywhere.

    Lol I was disappointed.



  353.  #353Starla on May 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    dominique, okay, you’ll have your pictures. And of the desk I made, too!

    The boots are sooo catchy. Anyone who walks/drives by me will notice them. Oh my, it’s gonna feel crazy! I’ll put on some dark sunglasses and go for it.



  354.  #354lk on May 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    starla, i think grumpy men are cute : ) maybe that could help…. i do know that my boss doesn’t Love it when he is ranting & i’m smiling gently & even sometimes giggling if it gets bad : ) but i say, sorry… i do understand & it will get done : )



  355.  #355Rori Raye on May 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Emoticon – You got triggered, you went back into the past, some survival instincts and rage got activated, and…it doesn’t mean anything. Just keep sinking in, CDing and doing what you’re doing and discovering how your anger and fear gets triggered. Free therapy. Love, Rori



  356.  #356Starla on May 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    this boss in particular has only been ornery to me a couple of times in years and years, so it’s easy not to internalize

    the BigBoss, on the other hand… yikes. He’s not cute at all when he is ‘upset.’ We all just cringe. We call him “Dad” behind his back. The owners of the company jokingly call him “Tom the Tormentor” even to his face.

    (((((((my company)))))))))))

    eeeeeee i feel so excited for the weekend! I feel so motivated to get this work done and get the eff out of here! And to shave my legs for the first time in weeks and weeks so I can wear short skirts!

    My legs are sooooo hairy. I feel sad to shave all that hair off. I grew it myself:(



  357.  #357Daria on May 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Im feeling upset

    CD is coming up w plans that feel bad, where my sleep schedule and comfort doesnt feel like a priority

    and he’s constantly bringing up other guys and it feels bad

    and im feeling bad and upset



  358.  #358lk on May 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    my boss is ALWAYS grumpy : ) so it’s easy for me not to internalize either : )))) but i DO feel Lucky & Excited when he is in a gentler mood : ) & also it usually means we have exciting or good news in the office : ))

    starla, LOL @ tom the tormentor…. my boss is Notorious…. LOL i will go to a conference or industry party by myself & meeting people, they will say, “oh you work for Him ? ? ? ” & then they crack up laughing

    LOL omg just as i was writing that, he stopped by my co-worker’s desk (who is on his 8th round – not joking – of an assignment he is trying to complete for Bossman………..) & my co-worker had just been like, “welp, i’m heading out for the day, we can keep trying this on Tuesday” & my boss came right over, intercepted him, & was like, “hey, buddy, you ride your bike here today ? no ? great, come into my office. i need you to do one more version of this before you go” LOL OMG i would freak out if i were him but he’s just doing it… lol… ((((humans))))



  359.  #359Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Daria,

    Rori’s 355 – “…and discovering how your anger and fear gets triggered. Free therapy. Love, Rori”

    That is what you do on the blog all the time. Beautiful discovering and processing!



  360.  #360lk on May 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    ok, i give myself permission to come here & blog about my triggers & fear & sadness & anger : ) i love my processing & i want to feel valued by myself : )



  361.  #361Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    @ Rori, thank you for responding to my post. It felt horrible waking up that way, I cried and went back to sleep and when i woke up again I decided to just let it go.



  362.  #362Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    wow im pist and feeilng upset



  363.  #363Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Daria,

    362 – What’s going on?



  364.  #364Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    so this guy goes on ‘put down rampages’ on im or text…

    and i was feelin concerned about him doing it while i was here and me feeling trapped in his house

    so i insisted on my own hotel room to be paid for 2 weeks (i hope it is paid for 2 weeks lol)

    my tummy is turning and i feel quesy and naseaus

    and now he DID just go on a rampage on text right now!

    i didnt want to go on an overnight trip where i would be sleeping in his car all the way to a huge all day party

    i dont like to miss sleep so that def doesnt work for me

    hes gone crazy now texting me hella shit

    i told him i feel bad and dont want to talk till it feels better

    now i wrote back that this feels abusive to me and i dont want to tolerate being put down, and im feeling upset and shut down will feel open to talk wheni t feels better

    go me!

    yay

    i feel glad im speak



  365.  #365Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I like it that Rori understands we need to let it out; process; explore our inner stranger and inner lil girl. I love this blog. I love you ladies. I love Rori.



  366.  #366lk on May 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    (((daria)))



  367.  #367Sassy on May 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I’m staying in “shut the world out” mode this weekend. I have to talk myself out of this funk. NV’s are SCREAMING at me.
    JT went AWOL again and I’m back and forth between “hating” his behavior and just being ” oh we’ll, here we go again, la-Di-da…”
    I hope the blog stays active all weekend so I can just read and hide my head in the sand.



  368.  #368Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Daria,

    That sounds like a tuff situation. Are you safe?



  369.  #369Starla on May 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Sassy, what do you mean he went AWOL? what happened, girl?



  370.  #370lk on May 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    it feels like i was holding this knot of energy in my stomach… where my diaphragm is….. & FINALLY today it is gone !!!! WOW …. & it comes back again, & i ask it how it’s doing & I greet it & give it a little love & go back to my business, & when it’s ready, i listen for a moment & i give it a big old cookie & a glass of milk & a hug & then.. it is gone WOOSH : ) hoorah : )

    babysteps : )

    (((lk))) you can say the scariest things ! i feel so proud of you little baby ! : ))) hugs for you, lots & lots



  371.  #371Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    hehe thanks Radlove 🙂 i feel all smily!!! weeee i really appreciate that omgosh feels so good



  372.  #372Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    i feel very safe

    im at the hotel, its a HUGE poppin weekend here with so many fly people out and IM fly and

    i love me and im choosing to feel good



  373.  #373Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    omgosh LK i did not read your venting email!

    i feel so guilty not checking my email AACHK

    i feel soooo excited to raed said email right now!



  374.  #374Starla on May 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    yay i feel happy to see lk talking to herself like a sweet baby again! since i learned this from you and it’s been amazing for me to practice!



  375.  #375Daria on May 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    lk your email feels anything other than negative or draining

    it feels mysterious and fascinating and soft



  376.  #376Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    I notice when i get the urge to text CDs or write on their FB wall i feel fear and automatically go to Starla’s FB page instead. I also made a list of things to do, to fight the urge to lean forward, and their are all saved on my cellphone so no matter where I am I can find one of these things to do. Sigh…. i feel relieved that I havent leaned forward 2day…. well except to one CD to ask what time th elibrary closes. So thats not really leany forward to me. Rori’s email yesterday said that we could ask questions that are not about the relationship. Then i 4got I asked him, so by the time he answered i had already found a solution to goin into the library today. I guess my lean back plan that my boy made is workingggg



  377.  #377Starla on May 25, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Emoticon, I feel excited to be a resource hehehehe, i should post some fun stuff for you to find when you check in with my page on facebook:)



  378.  #378Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    I notice something weird…. if i find out a guy is a free mason i feel more attracted to him, because my father was a free mason and my grandfather still is…. My little brother is interested in becoming one. This guy just started talking to me and he is one and I just feel way more attracted to him. Weird. And then i started liking him EVEN MORE when i realized our fathers are good friends and fellow writers.



  379.  #379Tiffany on May 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Oh, this feels so weird. Not like I did something bad or anything. But I did finally contact Vman. Not with the emotionally true email I’d been writing, but just a little hi, how are you? To which he responded.

    I then proceeded to ask him if he’s doing anything fun this weekend. Not with any kind of “angle,” just to make conversation, really.

    So no response since yesterday, and I’ve got 3 stories floating around in my mind.

    1) he’s busy and be just didn’t get around to it (probably true.)

    2) he thinks I’m trying to “angle” for something – ie I want to hang out. Which was not my motive, of course.

    3) omg, he has a gf and he’s hanging out with her and going somewhere special! Lol

    The last one is of course panicky and anxious. But also, I just notice that the thought makes me feel kind of queasy and sick and tight in my stomach. I feel sad and like I might be missing out on something that is mine to enjoy.

    I guess there is still some feeling there, even though I told him that there wasn’t.

    I don’t know where to go from here. Obviously, I can’t decide his choices for him. And even though he’s apparently “bad” at connecting with emotions, I still like him a lot. And I miss him a lot. For someone that I barely got to know, I sure miss him a lot.

    I wonder if I should tell him that? Or if I should just continue to try and be “cool” and CD.

    You would think that having all kinds of guys asking for my time and wanting to date me and see me, and some of them being really great guys would mitigate this yucky feeling I get about missing him, but it doesn’t. I still miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it.

    Except I feel it. I am letting myself feel it. Still sad. Still wishing I was with him and not missing him. Still taking care of myself. This is about me, and how I feel and what I want. And I don’t want to be afraid and spend the rest if my life regretting not asking for something that I want…I just wish I knew the words to say to ask him… : (

    What do you guys think? I have to check in with myself, but I feel open to hearing what your ideas and thoughts are…



  380.  #380Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    omg thanks ladies for the encouragement to not chase!

    i was about to chase but i read your coments on it and im like yeah!

    let him chase ME! omg what a relief thank u



  381.  #381Starla on May 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Tiffany, I would not worry about it/lean forward again.



  382.  #382Starla on May 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Tiffany, I would challenge myself to reject my compulsion to pursue/want a man who doesn’t want me (and clearly said so). The universe is keeping you stuck here so you can grow bigger than this. You deserve better than this, you just gotta give yourself what you deserve so you can actually get it, if that makes sense.



  383.  #383Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I like penises.



  384.  #384Sassy on May 25, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Starla, he went off the grid again, back to ignoring me. I went off on him and said I don’t deserve to be ignored and I was tired of playing games. I texted him a few more times, just to see if he would respond and he didn’t so I’m just laying low, backing off, leaning back, whatever you want to call it. It’ll be ok. Just gonna stay in my cocoon and stay off of FB and my phone.
    Tiffany, I wonder when I read your posts about you still having feelings for him, if that isn’t about an oxytocin withdrawal. Isn’t he the one that you semi had a sexual experience with?
    Two years for oxytocin withdrawals??? Ughhhh I’ll never get over/past JT!



  385.  #385Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    feel happiest when I can freely receive a man’s attention/gifts without him expecting anything in return

    I feel more happy when i can freely receive (swoon this is gonna get’em!!!) a man’s attention/gifts without feeling expected for anything in return

    WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH APRIL ROSE FOR INSPIRING THIS SCRIPTING FOR ME YAY!!



  386.  #386Daria on May 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    Radlove – if you like penises , I can text u a wide variety of pictures ive been receiving 🙂



  387.  #387Starla on May 25, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    ((((((((((sassy))))))))))



  388.  #388Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Radlove u r killing me…. i love penises too



  389.  #389Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    daria i wanna see



  390.  #390Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Understanding the Wisdom in Your Anger
    March 5th, 2012
    By Susanne M. Dillmann, Psy.D, Post Traumatic Stress / Trauma Topic Expert Contributor

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/understanding-wisdom-in-anger-0305126/



  391.  #391Daria on May 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    wow Radlove i feel so touched reading the message about how you view my processing 🙂

    thank u…

    i feel seen and LOVED! and celebrated!

    that feels so good.. im feeling all sobby



  392.  #392Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Daria and Emoticon,

    LOL! I get an abundance of penis pictures from all the men I contact! I’ll pass! 😆



  393.  #393Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Daria,

    391 – Awww, I feel happy you like it. I think you are very special and unique.



  394.  #394Starla on May 25, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    I took all my recent, past, and potential CDs off my facebook feed. I took off any female friends that reminded me of them, too.

    i feel really relieved and excited to finally be moving into this space i had intended for myself. Leaning forward or leaning back, either way, is not even an option now. It’s just me, and there’s no one or no thing to run to to run away from myself.

    removing reminders and triggers to run away from myself and toward male attention is going to give my adrenals a big break, and give me a chance to focus on the changes I want to make in my life without getting sidetracked by mancrack.

    It’s just you and me for a while, starla! wow, saying that makes me feel really in love with myself:D

    detoxing from man crack feels wonderful right now:) i wouldn’t be surprised if i have some really really rough days ahead, though!



  395.  #395Daria on May 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    wow so this CD is all trippin an now he wants to call my trip short to Tuesday

    im feeling very frightened and tense having nightmares of him canceling it on me OVERNIGHT or calling the police on me or something

    i told him i was feelin mad and disappointed cuz hes a cool guy without the verbal abuse

    and id ont want to tolerate that

    hes still talking some bullshit

    this is on the text

    i feel mad

    i feel scared

    i want to do some EFT



  396.  #396Daria on May 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    ok its friday night, im not out at this huge festival OR walking down the street to catch the last bus in 2 minutes

    AND im scared this guy will show up, scared enough to call the police tho he says hes harmless and probably is i feel so tense and jumpy from the verbal abuse

    i am tryna like “calm the abuser” so i can saefly stay till tuesday

    i dont wanna leave the hotel in the middle of the biggest event ever i just happened to stumble into, but if it happens i can and will haha its all warm out here in miami

    and it wont

    i can relaz

    i can go to the front tomorrow and asked how long its paid for and let them know my friend and i had a disagreement and i dont want him to have a roomkey if he asks

    omg

    and im SO taking the bus

    i feel sad

    i feel afraid to tell my mom cuz i just realized i ‘avoid scarign her’ and have to censor myself for her feelings and i dont want to do that

    yum Daria i love me

    good thing the guy from just a bit ago brought me weed

    i feel all tense in my hands

    (((Daria)))



  397.  #397Daria on May 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    this is all part of the Goddess plan

    to show me wonderfulness of wonderfullness

    i wonder why that guy from yesterday didnt contact me or seem to talk about it

    awwww

    maybe i gave him the wrong impression of me?

    i dono

    i can let it go?

    i want tot focus on something that feels comforting and calming and remembering myself feeling open with him feels that way…

    and it Is all about me hehe

    aww

    🙂



  398.  #398sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    can anyone share basic online dating advice w me? i have modern siren, and comm blueprint but didnt see anything specific..

    I initiate by winking at men on match but no emails unless they do first…im i too forward by winking? should i fully lean back and just wait for whoever initiates? also cute guy winked so i winked back thats better than emailing back right?

    i just feel confused as to how much to lean back or if I should email and be assertive…



  399.  #399Brandylion on May 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    I miss being in a relationship. I miss the closeness. I miss cuddling. I miss kissing. I miss going places and doing fun things. I miss sleeping in the same bed with someone and waking up together. I miss just spending time with someone to whom I feel connected.

    I haven’t heard from the guy I had a date with last Saturday, but he did indicate he had a vacation coming up and would be going home to India. I never did hear from the guy who said last weekend that he’d call with a plan to meet this past week.

    I accepted a date with AkronCD for next weekend, but I’m not interested in him at all. (He asked me out for this weekend, but I’m out of town on a trip with students.) He wrote something in a text this week that triggered me, but not in a way I needed to express to him, so I texted my best friend about it and told her what I wanted to write back to him (but did not, knowing it was needlessly hurtful). She lectured me, via text, about how I had no business continuing contact with this guy since I know I’m (in her words) out of his league, there aren’t any relational skills to be gained with him, and any interaction is being interpreted by him as a positive sign of my interest. She even told me how un-sireny it was that I had the reaction I did to his text! It felt really awful, and I just shut down and quit replying.

    She said I should just stop replying to any of his contact and poof on him, that I didn’t owe him any explanation. I’m not going to keep in contact with any of the current pool of “CDs” (I use the term loosely, since so few of them have made it offline and even fewer to a meeting) over the summer when I go back to AZ, and I’ll be leaving four days after the date. I’m going to take down my profiles. I don’t see any need to cut him off before that. Going on a date with him is better than sitting home alone for yet another Saturday night. :-/



  400.  #400Brandylion on May 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    BTW Radlove, I like penises too. But I, too, shall pass on pictures, Emoticon. If I can’t have one in real life to admire, I’ll just have none. 🙂



  401.  #401Megan on May 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    question about chasing:

    is going out to places in hopes of running into a particular guy chasing?



  402.  #402Starla on May 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Megan, it depends on the vibe behind it. That would make the difference between just ‘dropping your handkerchief’ and leaning forward/chasing.



  403.  #403Jessie1000 on May 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    megan …go out and meet anyone
    dont focus on any one person!



  404.  #404Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Brandylion,

    LOL, yeah me too. I only want “my” own penis, just for me.



  405.  #405Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Megan,

    401 – My understanding of Circular Dating is to CD everyone I meet, everywhere I go! So it is totally encouraged by Rori to go out to places where you are likely to meet the kind of man you want to meet! That could look like Barnes & Noble; a play; a restaurant; a park; a health food store; a common interest group; meetup dot com group, and the list is endless.

    Yes, yes, yes! Get out there, dress up, lean back, smile, and make eye contact! Only speak to a man if he speaks to you first.



  406.  #406Starla on May 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    It’s friday night, 9pm, everyone is heading out for the night… what does starla want to do? she wants to go to the gym. and that is where i’m headed now.

    i LOVE being single and not dating and having all this time for ME and the freedom to move at my own pace and act on my whims. I love that I just have my little handful of girlfriends who all like to do their own thing and never expect me to go out with them on any night in particular.

    My life is so perfect right now <3

    Then I am going to make my universe box:)



  407.  #407Daria on May 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    sunshine – fast advice:

    let them contact you first

    after the first contact – yes YOU write the winkers, after you’ve written the writers that youve chosen to respond to

    be PROACTIVE/ASSERTIVE with boundaries that you are there to meet in person, and give out your number to hear a man’s voice quickly. absolutely no dawdling online – the whole purpose of the site is a chance to be open to men that want and are available distance or otherwise to MEET YOU in person.

    treat – getting to the meeting – in a businesslike, routine way – set up your own routine and don’t assume the guy you connect with online are the ones who will be the most willing or able to meet u … so screen out the men who arent



  408.  #408Daria on May 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    i notice i felt resentful that Starla is having a nice day now while im feeling angry about the words yesterday

    i feel very vulnerable to write this i dont think i ever have said something like this before and i feel also so free and happy writing this, showing myself wow

    i feel guilty for feeilng that way and im sorry if it triggers anyone especially starla

    i dont feel safe to express these kinda things in real life w people close to me

    somehow this feesl immensely healing

    i think they would be horrified – ppl in real life – and resent me FOREVER for some of my – NOT IN MY CONTROL YOU GUYS !!! 🙁 – thoughts and emotions

    and i want to be the one for me who is open and heals all this fear of showing and ‘distance’

    i dont want to feel this way

    i feel a lot of love for Starla and i dont intend her to feel bad no matter what’s going on with me

    whoa i feel Gripped in my intestines and liver



  409.  #409Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Daria,

    I notice that I feel bad that my posts to Starla were not responded to. I don’t like to feel ignored or blocked out.

    I also notice that I feel sad that anything might contribute to you feeling inhibited, when you are such a free spirit, and when you are putting forth such serious effort at finding healing.

    I have felt my mind and heart examining themselves today around my own inhibitions about feeling scared like “I better walk on eggshells around this person or that person, or I will be yelled at!” No! I don’t want that! I want to feel safe and confident to say out loud, “I feel angry.” or “I feel upset”.

    I have a right to HAVE thoughts and feelings.
    And I have a right to SPEAK my thoughts and feelings.

    I don’t want to live in fear and in a scary, dark cloud inside anymore. I want to be a free spirit who protects and nurtures herself.



  410.  #410sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Thank you Daria! I feel good reading your pointers bc it feels right. I like feeling like I have some sort of control and yeah I cant stand men who are wishy washy and dont meet up…what do you think is a good cut off point from emails to meet up? I feel like more than a week of texting/emailing starts to feel weird w out a meet up..also i feel weird responding to the guys i dont find attractive however i know rori talks about just dating alot no matter what…has this ever worked? i dont know its just weird



  411.  #411Radlove on May 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Sunshine,

    I feel weird when it goes on more than a week, too. Right now my CD, “CO”, just keeps putting off meeting me. I have used several different feeling messages over a period of months. I feel like the only thing I can do now is cut it off. Yet I don’t want to, because in every other way he seems like a nice man.

    So far the only thing I have thought of is to respond to his emails slowly, like one an hour, so he doesn’t think he can just have a back and forth conversation night after night.

    I feel frustrated, and I feel bored. I would feel out of my comfort zone to tell him that tho. I feel like almost angry about how he drags it on and on, knowing I don’t want an endless email relationship without ever meeting.

    I wonder what would happen if I were to just stop responding. Or I could just respond the next day, once a day.

    If anyone has any ideas what to do next, I welcome them. Feeling at an impasse: a good man I don’t want to not meet;;;yet feeling somewhat disrespected that my desires are being ignored.



  412.  #412sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Radlove sigh I feel your frustration I have gone through that before…well I have in general trouble expressing negative feelings because I convince myself that i sound too diva/ bitchy but Im working on that because in reality im just expressing my feelings so…if hes making you feel doubtful if you want to continue even considering him, instead of cutting it off i would give my genuine feeling messages that are not so nice such as “I feel uncomfortable/ackward at this point..”
    The way I see it what do you have to lose? your already considering breaking it off why not give full honest feelings while your at it. He might cut it off for good which is meant to be if hes gonna be that rude, or he might react and pay attention. what do you think?



  413.  #413Sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Radlove, I think you should practice sharing your feeling messages no matter what take it as an opportunity



  414.  #414Emoticon on May 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    I am doing my own weave right now….. for the first time ever. I just decided…. that I can sew a weave…. and IM DOING it…. this is so cool….. feeling tired but determined to finish it 🙂



  415.  #415Rebecca on May 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    I want to put a message out to the universe.

    I need a cuddle…

    I’m now wondering if my ‘thoughts’ sound ‘needy’?

    I feel worried about feeling ‘needy’.

    Am I abnormal??

    Why DO I want human contact so desperately??

    Someone told me once that I nned everyone to ‘like me’ and I need a LOT of attention. They said it in a negative, like your a weirdo, kind of way.

    I DO feel MORE needy than others. I am ALWAYS looking for comfort. Looking for LOVE. Looking for AFFECTION.

    People SEEM to notice this a LOT about me. It makes me feel self-conscious. Like ‘Wow, what is WRONG with me? Is not everyone like this?’

    I feel so NEEDY ALL the time…

    So NOT independant.

    wtf?????



  416.  #416sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Rebecca I feel like most of us in a sense are that way we all need love and affection I think its normal. I feel bad reading your post because I feel bad that you feel this way, I feel angry that someone made you feel weird for feeling like your the only one because most humans all feel like this at some degree, even big strong football players want to cuddle! 🙂
    my issue right now is about feeling ackward demanding things even if they are legit…I just told a match.com guy I would feel better if he called me first I said it with a smile symbol and we had a nice iM chat …I cant help feel so weird demanding things like im a diva but Im fighting through it and asking for what I prefer because Im tired of being a pushoveer just because I feel uncomfortable asking for what I like! strong emotion there lol



  417.  #417sunshine on May 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    …he just IM me saying “perfect”….lol its something so small but the fact that he is cool w my request feels really nice I like that Im asking for things as small as him calling me first this feels so nice:) thank you blog advice, thank you rori, and thank you God for helping me be stronger



  418.  #418Rebecca on May 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    I feel like a cat who wants to curl up in your lap..

    Following you around the house all day, shadowing you…

    I feel so desperate to be petted. To be stroked. To get SOME physical attention and affection.

    I want, I want I want…

    Me, me, me, me, me….

    What is this about??

    I feel heavey in my shoulders. I feel tight across my back.

    Ifeel sick in mystomach….

    I feelarggghhhhhhhhh…..



  419.  #419Rebecca on May 25, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Sunshine – thank you for your support. My problem is, to me, I feel this neediness around everyone!! Not just men I find attractive, etc.. Men, women, anyone and everyone. Do u relate?



  420.  #420Daria on May 25, 2012 at 11:44 pm

    ok im realizing that the scenarios im making up about this guy showing up unannounced and getting violent are = made up

    he hasnt shown up

    i dont have to worry about it

    if he does, ill deal with it by telling him i dont want to talk

    if he smashes the window (as in my unfounded fear)

    ill call 911 and recite the address off i know it by heart



  421.  #421Daria on May 25, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    i want to get that guy i liked yestearday back here!

    how could he not be declaring his desire to be with me

    omg

    ugh

    its not my fault

    its not his fault

    i miss him!!!

    i missed him soon as he started walking out the door

    it feels so good to write this!

    it feels like its unravelign

    my instinct is to run after him

    dont daria! lean back

    thats what makes it the attractive energy

    pulling in

    im his anchor

    i fell in love

    i felt so connected!

    arrrh

    i feel tingly and pulled out from my guts



  422.  #422Daria on May 26, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Sunshine – 🙂 yay i feel appreciated

    more off the cuff advice:

    yes. dating guys a woman’s not attracted to is very important. its so the woman can learn to build attraction with any man (Create chemistry). If she only opens up with men she feels instantly attracted to, she misses the oportunity to experience, organicly, in her own skin, that SHE is the source of the pleasurable feelings she feels around men. (without this knowledge she’ll feel ‘needy’ of attractive men to ‘give her’ the good feelings, instead of nurturing her ability to create them herself. she would be “at the mercy” of those special men she would not want to lose – wow which feels powerfully romantic of a story for me right now as i write this, and process this for myself )

    how long to email?

    time is not in weeks, but rather this is an area where YOU ARE IN CHARGE (unlike planning dates for example)

    here, YOU are the one who expresses what you dont want quickly:

    “i dont want to talk online…im here to meet men in person.. what do you think?”

    even though to us this might seem that it implies a ‘suggestion’ – it actually does not! it simply states truth at face value, and asks the man what he thinks to take charge of fulfilling your desires about the situation and how you’d like to be approached

    you can use this technique immediately with anyone you feel curious about meeting (you dont have to meet them, ask to speak to them first, and talk for about 10 minutes. then go ahead and meet! in a safe place of course!)

    you dont wnat to connect with the man online or on the phone

    REPEAT: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

    you DONT want to connect with a man online or on the phone

    its confusing at best, deeply disappointing at worst

    YOUR JOB IS TO MEET MEN IN PERSON! – on these “coffee” dates

    THATS when the connection can happen AUTHENTICALLY – in person!!!

    thats what you want!

    you want a man who WANTS and is able to connect with you IN PERSON!

    that kind of man is thrilled to get a chance to meet u for coffee AS SOON AS YOURE READY!

    EXPECT that men will be willing and ready to meet u as soon as you’re ready

    and be open to meeting men ! remember, light meetings, think of it as a ‘business’ meeting almost – networking, auditioning (you’re auditioning men), recruiting…

    a business of romance!!

    AND YOU ARE THE BOSS!

    you get to have it how YOU want it. and each men is ‘tested’ to fulfill your wishes. fail once and he gets the axe to seeing you again!

    🙂



  423.  #423Daria on May 26, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Radlove – oh my! after saying that you wanted to meet and dont want to talk online… dont respond anymore my dear!

    if you feel open to, you can respond maybe once a month… until he suggests meeting



  424.  #424siren song on May 26, 2012 at 12:58 am

    I had a good day. Guy who loves me called me to tell me he was sorry for how he was speaking to me. He sent me some nice compliments as well by email. I’ll take those arrows. Thanks, guy who loves me.

    I went out and had an awesome time with work people. One guy really likes me. I can feel it…

    Tomorrow i’m having a housewarming party. I bought a new out outfit and feel excited to give my house some love tomorrow and invite people in.

    Night sirens.



  425.  #425Sirenity on May 26, 2012 at 3:10 am

    I just love this Daria,

    be PROACTIVE/ASSERTIVE with boundaries that you are there to meet in person, and give out your number to hear a man’s voice quickly. absolutely no dawdling online – the whole purpose of the site is a chance to be open to men that want and are available distance or otherwise to MEET YOU in person.

    I am in total agreement . I just need to get ready for the next BlitzPOF!



  426.  #426Celtic Blue on May 26, 2012 at 3:27 am

    A little tale about my recent Rock Star weekend for any Sirens who have followed the story.

    In summary… I was a BAD Man Crack addict ..no self esteem, lost and struggling ..found Rori and Baggage Reclaim and got clean..Did have to endure cancer diagnosis and major surgery to really scrape him off me though and I have now been FREE for eighteen months.

    In that time i had four surgeries , a big trip overseas , new job, life/work rethink and re-arrangement of priorities .

    I have dated quite a few men but something about me was keeping them as great friends. They just werent touching me or coming on to me …it felt weird like almost an OD of RESPECT . My heart must have been closed ..but to me it just felt like lost confidence.

    I recently rock starred it with an old friend and ex lover of mine to break the spell the ex man crack had over my body. This was a great night in luxury surroundings, and it went WELL.

    I was so happy to show my “new” body to a man and it felt so good. I picked a guy who i knew was distracted and not likely to want more than a casual evening.He was an old friend and trustworthy.

    I was fascinated to see how sex kicked in my bonding hormones with this guy. I felt a bit wobbly for a day or two and a little hoping he would call. I feel so grateful to know what is happening now so I dont get hooked in. I had to explain it to him , and that I would not make an ongoing arrangement of this.

    Mostly I just loved the power trip 🙂
    I learned what I can and cant do without risking my well being and rock starring it is a definite possibility as long as its one night only. Hmmmm.



  427.  #427Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 4:31 am

    Daria,

    423 – “Radlove – oh my! after saying that you wanted to meet and dont want to talk online… dont respond anymore my dear!

    if you feel open to, you can respond maybe once a month… until he suggests meeting”

    Thank you! This is a prime example of an area where I need to learn how to set and hold boundaries. Well, at this point, I’ve already muddled the boundary. But it’s ok, because I didn’t know. This is a new skill for me, so I will be patient and kind with myself.

    Maybe next time he emails me, I will write what you suggested in the past…I would feel ok with you calling me.

    And then just stop with the emails. I am relearning.



  428.  #428Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 4:44 am

    Sunshine,

    412 – “The way I see it what do you have to lose? your already considering breaking it off why not give full honest feelings while your at it. He might cut it off for good which is meant to be if hes gonna be that rude, or he might react and pay attention. what do you think?”

    Thank you. I decided to go with what Daria suggested to me, but what you say here helps give me the strength to do it…to not be concerned with the outcome.

    Because once already when I did it, he said he felt offended, like I was giving him an ultimatum. So I think if I just kindly say, “I would feel okay with you calling me.” and then just went silent, it would hopefully not be offensive.

    And in processing all this, I am thinking about setting boundaries and holding them with a CD from a year ago, New Jersey, who calls and calls me, but has only met me once. It is time. I honestly feel bored with phone only, and I don’t want to expend all my dating time and energy with endless phone calls.

    So for New Jersey, who called me last night and I didn’t call him back yet because I was busy with a CD who is actually going to meet me (Yay! I’ll call him “Vintage”!). So I can call him back today, chat briefly, and then just kindly explain that I am getting really busy with dating, and I would love to spend time with him, but I really don’t want to continue a phone only friendship. Yesss!

    Team Set and Hold Boundaries!



  429.  #429Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 4:51 am

    423 revisited – Just reading Daria’s post, I hear all my NVs from childhood scream, “You HAVE to! You have to do what you’re told!”

    I feel “bad”, as in bad girl! I wasn’t taught to think for myself; respect myself; or hold boundaries. I was taught to do what I was told.

    It’s ok, lil girl, you are a good girl to say no by not responding to the emails or phone calls anymore. We are learning a new skill here, and it feels a little uncomfortable, but so did riding a bike the first time or two. And guess what? I’m going to buy you a bike soon, so you can start biking again!

    Oh goodie!

    Good lil girl! LOL! 😆



  430.  #430Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Wow, this feeling of guilt and shame is powerful. God, please help me heal that. I am not a bad girl to stop receiving emails and phone calls from men who refuse to meet me in person.

    I also feel the NVs that no one has time for me, that I don’t deserve for a man to take time out of his day for me or drive a long distance for me. If I am not worth a drive to my beautiful town, and you don’t want to spend an evening with me, then I don’t want you to bend my ear day after day if you never plan to spend time with me in person.

    I matter. I am worthwhile. I am a catch. I am first class, and I only accept first class treatment.

    Bye bye, NVs! You protected me or tried to when I was little, but you are not serving me anymore.



  431.  #431Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Good Morning Sirens…. yup, still commenting on the blog…. cuz my roommate left her laptop with me ALL WEEKEND.

    If i go to New York for my job (should be startng tuesday abut not sure where I will be staying :(( ) this guy from my island offered me a laptop 🙂 now how nice is this???



  432.  #432Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Still Leaning Back…. where’s #TeamLeanBack at???

    CD was on FB really late last night…. approx 2:30 am and I did not start a chat with him or comment on the new picture he uploaded.

    It came on my news feed and at first i felt scared…. and nervous. Then some girl commented on ir and I started feeling happy that I did not lean forward and comment.

    It was a picture I had seen before because he had it on twitter, and I had told him that I liked it (leaned forward yes…. cuz he did not ASK me about it) and he said thank you, but I still felt awkward, like I do everytime i lean forward.

    I felt awkward like the roles were reversed because I had not received a compliment from him in a long time (except on how good i am in bed :S ….. yeah tell me about it) I felt so awkward and then sad and mad.

    So i did not comment! And now i wake up feeling great…. Leaning back im taking it one day at a time, or one moment at a time, cuz i realize that when i tell myself “from now on” I start feeling anxious…. and wondering how long it will take him to lean forward and talk to me. Moment by moment, it feels easier. I dont feel anxious.



  433.  #433Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Emoticon,

    Is there a chance that your NY job will put you up in a hotel somewhere? Housing is way expensive in NYC!



  434.  #434Jenny on May 26, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Yesterday I had a nice connection with a man by text. We was planing to meet. And in the last minute he canceled, sayng he suddenly felt to sleepy and didnt want to drive when he was sleepy.

    I thanked him for being honest. Told him a ws feeling just a little disapointed but I also understand. I dont want him to drive while sleepy.

    And he was like “Oh now I feel bad, i dont want to let you down – if it makes you happy I drive right away, just ask me”

    And that made me feel smile inside, so again I thanked him, told him i was feeling a little disopointed, but I was also feeling happy he didnt want to let me down. It all felt good for me and I didnt want him to drive a car if he is sleepy.

    So then he wrote: “Thanks for being so honest and open, you are such wonderfull lady”

    …and it ended up with us chatting for 2 hours, and I felt so turned on and connected, soft and open. he was very sweet..and so into me, asked alot of questions; more then before.

    So flower CD havent text em, he have removed his profile from the dating site – his removing aint nothing to do with me…NO NVS…it aint…darn, why should it be? Yeah I might have scared him, but serious, shouldnt a blocking be more normal then? And now lets get out of his head. Darn diva, I know you like him, his picture his calling tyou a beautiful flower, but please calm down. He will not forget you, give him space- maybe send an sms some time later next week, som e fm about how you thinkg your day is. But right now…argh dammit, you are one hour away of an date with a very soft and sensitive man, who you also like…one of them a time – darn I’m getting headach of all guys you keep thinking of.

    I feel a littel giggle, rori mean CD a lot keeps us woman busy from thinking of any of them – well I’m not. I keep thinking of them all…at the same time. I got ADHD, so I’m darn good at keeping lots of thinks in my head the same time 😛 Only diffrent I got 10 men in my head now, compare to just one 🙂 feels good in a way…but also a little crowded 😛

    Been practicing a lot of bounderies latelly. And also not to talk so darn much, I dont have to answer all questins I get…

    Ok feeling a little bit eggy right now, less then 45 min left to cd, but he havent called back to say ok, to whe i aid ok to the time



  435.  #435Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Yes Radlove it is veryyyyy f*cking expensive. I have lots of family there though and my god mother so I was hoping to get to stay with them for free or cheaper. 🙂



  436.  #436Radlove on May 26, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Jenny,

    Good job with your feeling messages! I love how well Rori’s tools work!!



  437.  #437LiliBee on May 26, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Waaahwaaww! 😀

    That’s my girly squeel I let out when I feel thrilled and excited.
    As I do that, I squeeze my shoulders up, wave my hands and steppy steppy on the same spot.
    I call it my silly girly dance.
    I do that when I 1st see D after a couple of days of being apart.
    His face lights up with a big smile, he mimicks my squeely sound, grabs me in his arms and makes the s3x moves on me.

    I feel so comfortable in my skin when he reacts that way at me just letting myself go at expressing my excitedness in the most spontaneous authentic way.

    I feel freeeeee!!! to be meeee! 🙂
    I love acting all silly, it shakes up the cobwebs so to speak.



  438.  #438LiliBee on May 26, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I’m doing my squeely silly girly dance now coz he called just now to just ‘touch base’.
    Just to let me know where he was at with helping his friend with reno work, and to say when he’ll be done and back home.
    He asked me to go join him when he gets home.

    Awwww, I feel so wanted and desired. He wants me around all the time 🙂 …wow! I feel wonder at how this behaviour of his has lasted for 2 straight months!

    I still have my little challenges, but they feel so ‘small’.
    I keep Rori’s voice in the back of my head all the time.



  439.  #439LiliBee on May 26, 2012 at 7:57 am

    438:

    Btw, I only go join him when I feel good that I’m done with MY stuff at my place…or else it’s up to him to come to me and help me getting my stuff done if he doesn’t want to wait.



  440.  #440LiliBee on May 26, 2012 at 7:58 am

    439:

    I wouldn’t feel good being the puppy that jumps and runs to him at his beck and call.



  441.  #441LoveAlways on May 26, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Wow! What a sensitive topic! But very well put together. I had a lover who had this type of problem from time to time and he showed me that there is so much more to intimacy than penetration!!! But we were really into each other, and I think that is necessary foundation. Great post Rori!



  442.  #442LoveAlways on May 26, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Good morning Sirens!!!



  443.  #443Jessie1000 on May 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Radlove….whats NV’s lol I must be stupid cause I cant figure out the lingo.

    I had a wicked nice guy like that talking to me on POF he was from Nova Scotia and here teaching in Ottawa.

    Turns out, I asked some people back home about him and hes married. He was lonely, I guess, and just wanted to chat with people and maybe get some easy sex.

    Maybe you should just set a boundary to weed out the wierdos. Like it was nice talking to you but I feel now like this is a waste of my time since I want to go on a date not sit on my computer. Put it in ur profile and go on to the next one.

    Dont give him a second thought cause it might have to do with you and he might just be looking for an easy target or he does it to all girls, you dont know.

    If you feel anxiety then eliminate it cause you deserve happy days every day! (especially if the guys actions are making you feel not pretty or unimportant thats no good for you and your wonderful self!!!)

    Kisses Radlove
    Hope you are having a nice day and I would soooo love to have coffee with you someday!!!



  444.  #444Jessie1000 on May 26, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Radlove….were you teasing me about writing articles on the blog or do you think I write too much?

    Lol I love pouring my heart out to the blog, its so wonderful and I feel like so much pressure gets released too but I never consider if anyone reads it or not and the few times people respond to my comments, I feel overwhelmed!

    Sorry if I write too much and I will keep em short from now on if you are bothered.

    You can just skip them if it bugs you too??? sorry honey



  445.  #445Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 9:49 am

    R u guys here? idk what to say to a guy using FMs when he says “You never cooked for me :(“



  446.  #446Daria on May 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

    ok i feel so relieved now that i told the front desk hotel guy that i got in an argument with CD dude and not to give him an extra room key yay! i feel like i have a layer of protection around me now …

    phew!



  447.  #447Brandylion on May 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Hmm, I like the discussion going on here for setting & holding boundaries and getting to a meeting quickly. I have been getting better about expressing after a few emails that I’m feeling bored with emailing.

    A lot of guys poof when I tell them I don’t like using the chat feature on these dating sites. One guy didn’t poof on that, but did when I told him I don’t like having whole conversations via text because it feels impersonal.

    I have saved Daria’s FM about “I’m on here to meet men in person” for future use!



  448.  #448Daria on May 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Emoticon – mmm i might say

    “lol :)”

    i usually say that when guys say girly ‘court me’ things – it feels amusing!



  449.  #449Daria on May 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

    myabe thats not honest, myabe more honest would be

    ewww 😛 that feels really uncomfortable babe lol



  450.  #450Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

    my honest answer would probably be “that would feel weird to me”



  451.  #451Brandylion on May 26, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Emoticon:

    “That feels icky.”

    Really, why should he expect you to cook for him?

    At some point, if any of these CDs get that far, I plan just to tell them that I don’t cook for men I’m just dating. My cooking is part of exclusivity. 🙂

    Now, planning and preparing a meal *together* is a different story…that feels really fun!

    (BTW, there is a parade going on right now in the city where I am with my students, and it just feels so festive! I can see them from my hotel room, and I want to go outside and watch up close!)



  452.  #452Jessie1000 on May 26, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Emoticon….say omg am i ur slave?

    wow, my son is like that…he makes me put the sugar on his cereal (he is 14) cause he says it tastes better when i do it for him!

    Socially accepted conventions like women cooking and doing the housework are norms but they are not rules….just because i have vagina does not mean that I have to cook for anyone

    Tell him he didnt deserve it

    Tell him to rethink these kinds of conventions because it should not be tit size that determines who gets the sh**t jobs in the house

    Tell him that ur a woman and not a molly maid

    OMG dont tell him any of those things but at least have a good laugh

    Kisses emoticon ….oh wait one more…..tell him I dont answer stupid questions cause they come from stupid people lol lol



  453.  #453Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:08 am

    awwww he suggested cooking *with* him instead of for him, that sounds more like bonding than leaning forward. what u guys think?



  454.  #454Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I dont feel mad or anything that he said that cuz I dont assume he expects me to do it per se….. most times he wants to cook for me. I had just told him that i was about to cook something for myself. So he said that, but he is just not aware that I dont cook for guys. I want to remain open but let him know that I won’t be doing that. I feel like if I ask him if I’m his slave that would not really be unzipping my heart



  455.  #455Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:15 am

    He said we would hold hands and stir 2gether and play music and light candles and I said “:-) awww that would feel sooo romantic” and he said “okay its a date”



  456.  #456Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Kisses to you too Jessie….



  457.  #457Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Since I have made the conscious decision to be a good receiver, guys have just been offering me everything. This guy is going to a friend’s cookout and offering to bring me some food so I may not have to cook at all 🙂 AND he’s gonna help with a drainage prob we r having right now 🙂 …… I always wondered how u other sirens sumhow got guys to do stuff around the house, I guess u jus gotta be open to allowing them to do it and never be afraid to ask for help.



  458.  #458Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Am I weird for not expecting to actually meet in person the guys i meet via POF. I met one and im still surprised that i met him lol



  459.  #459Jenny on May 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    So one CD just left. He came late..and he was soo sorry, he was lost and had problem find his way.

    He was so frustrated and sorry – and I felt a little stupied for my own nasty thoughts.

    I thanked him for showing up, told him I felt happy to se him again…and that I could understand he was feeling frustrated since I would also be feeling that.

    …and argh I’m beeting on myself – I talk too much….I do. And I keep explaining.

    …but I was talking less then I normally do, let him ask me questions, let him talk about himself, his dreams.

    So I*m doing progress.
    And we are meeting tomorrow too – I hope. He also asked if I would come to visit him if he moves to another city…

    So a good second date.

    He asked me while we was cuddle, and I was laying in his arms. I ws silent.and just focus on my breathing and being there with him

    “How does it feel?”He asked

    “I feel good, I feel safe and relaxed. I feel soft. Feels natural and very good”

    He: “I agree, it feels good with you. I like being with you”

    Soo breath, feel. It feels good now . I miss him, I feel happy and my NV is screaming. I love my Nvs, they are soo darn cute.



  460.  #460Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Jenny 🙂



  461.  #461sophie on May 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Just been chatting on POF – been flirting with a guy who I said ages ago I wouldn’t meet ‘cos he’s too young but then carried on flirting with him – just said again I wouldn’t meet him and he din’t even repy – just dropped the ball – mid air. Now, this is just some guy on POF who I’ve never met but this is such a major trigger for me so I’m spamming cos its flared right up. He’s gone just pfffed! I have had ex boyfriends that have done this too either in physicality or mid conversation/processing and i feel terrified. I feel panic rising in my chest. i wait and wait and nothing and then a panic feeling and sick in my stomach and I want to lean forward and say where are you don’t leave mid conversation but I won’t. I feel

    afraid of their disapproval like I did something bad and they think I’m a bXXch or a tease or a timewaster 🙁

    afraid that they hate me 🙁

    I want to write and say sorry so they love me again 🙁



  462.  #462sophie on May 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    and i feel ashamed that i did something wrong 🙁



  463.  #463Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Sophie I don’t see anything wrong with you being straight up and telling him that ur not interested cuz of his age. Sometimes you’re just not turned on by certain guys



  464.  #464Sassy on May 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Four days, no word.
    It’s ok, Sassy, he’ll be back. Just his usual MO.

    ((((((me)))))). (((((((((JT))))))))))



  465.  #465Starla on May 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Sassy, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this again. Since he’s done this before (his MO, as you say), do you just accept it will always be like this when you get into a disagreement? Or are you hoping this BS will change one day? ((((((((((((((((sassy)))))))))))))))))

    are you cd’ing in any form right now?

    (((((((((((sassy)))))))))))))))



  466.  #466Jenny on May 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Sophie – you didnt do anything wrong. You got the right to think and feel whatever you feel.

    Take this a sgood practice..feel your feelings.

    Baby steps you know 🙂



  467.  #467Starla on May 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    i’ve been working out really hard but still have some ‘problem’ areas on my body that might not change for another month or so, but i’m going to get my bikini on and head to the pool and practice just being confident without being perfect. i can so do this!!



  468.  #468Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    go Starla

    Sassy, sorry 2 hear abt ur boo bein all MIA



  469.  #469Starla on May 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    daaaaaaaaaaaaang i am sexy:)



  470.  #470Starla on May 26, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    eep now i feel scared

    i really am going to go, though.

    just dilly dallying



  471.  #471Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    sleeeeepy



  472.  #472Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    ooooh Go starlaaaa



  473.  #473Lily Medusa on May 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    A couple of nights ago I felt very sad for my kind, wonderful, most favorite man. He is currently dealing with several rotten situations which he does not deserve. He called me in the evening, and right away I launched into an emotional story of something crazy that had happened to me that day. He listened empathetically and wanted to help. Twenty minutes into the conversation, he mentioned that he had cried for 2 hours after coming home from work. I felt soooo sad for him because I have seen him suffering before, and it’s not the least bit pleasant. I felt an urge to Lean Forward, and I resisted it. I didn’t do anything to try to make him feel better, I didn’t make any suggestions, etc. Instead I listened. I ended up saying something like, “Ohhhhhhh, I’m so sorry. I feel so sad that you’ve been sad. I’m sad that you had such a hard day. I really hope you feel better soon.”

    How did I do? What would the best response have been? How can I be a Siren and be there for my man when he is going through his devastating personal trials? I know a day will come when he will overcome the problems he is struggling with right now. It’s possible that it could take years for things to improve. Right now, he’s in the throes. My heart hurts for him.

    Can a man take strength and comfort from a Siren as he Leans Forward? How can I help this happen? Is there anything in Rori’s programs about this?

    Thank you…



  474.  #474Queenbee on May 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    RE: 94 – Hi Slippin’ Goddess – nice to ‘meet’ you too 🙂

    Ah, I get it. Thanks for letting me know. Context helps 🙂

    xoxo



  475.  #475ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Mr. Observant called me for the first time yesterday and we talked for an hour until my friend showed up and I had to cut him short. He asked me if I saw the previews for the Men in Black movie, whether I liked the first one and if I wanted to see the second one. I said, yes I liked the first one and I would like to see the second one. He replied, “ok, then I won’t watch it.” Awwww 🙂

    I was worried to begin with hanging out with this friend, cause she drinks a lot, and gets me into situations I don’t want to be in. So, that is exactly what happened. I ended up going home and leaving her at the bar, which I didn’t feel comfortable doing, but with my health stuff that I have going on and I had people coming in the morning, I felt 12:30am was late enough. She wanted to stay out and keep soaking up all this attention she was getting from the men in the bar, even though she wasn’t interested in any of them. She just is addicted to attention.

    I felt a little put off because she was supposed to be spending time with me, but she kept checking her phone, her POF, distracted by the room, spending lots of time in the bathroom. I felt like it didn’t even matter if I was there or not. Then, she kept telling these guys my name, but she would tell them a fake name for herself. She was buying some guys shots. There are too many reasons to list as to why this just doesn’t work for me. I also didn’t feel comfortable leaving my house unlocked for her to come home, so she told me she would just sleep in her car, which I told her was crazy, but she did.

    I also felt like a bad friend. I was thinking what if something happened to her and then I would have to live with that forever. She is not my responsibility though.

    I was very upset by it and I sent Mr. Observant a text saying I knew it was a bad idea. He replied in the morning wanting to hear what happened and to call him if I was awake. So, I called him and we talked for 2 hours, but I had to cut him short again because my dad kept ringing.

    We have no problem talking and we just feel comfortable talking for hours. It feels way to easy and doesn’t feel normal. Usually, I take a while to warm up to people, but with him, I just feel so at ease and relaxed. He’s out with his friends now and he’s been texting me too. It feels nice to be thought about.

    We will be seeing each other tomorrow. I think he is planning on spraying my bees tomorrow too. OH…I also was invited to a party his separated wife is invited to. I’ve never met her before and he wasn’t invited (at least that I know of).. I feel nervous about that.



  476.  #476Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Oh wow RG that last part sounds so nervous…. really. Does she know of you?



  477.  #477Lily Medusa on May 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I feel jealous of Starla’s boots! I want some cowgirl boots too!



  478.  #478Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I wouldn’t feel guilty abt the thing with your friend. You and your health come first RG and she could have come back with u. She’s her own responsibility.



  479.  #479Starla on May 26, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    I went to the pool! It felt really uncomfortable! There were loads and loads of people there and no free chairs, so i layed out on the ground, drawing even more attention to myself, lol. I did feel uncomfortable standing up and walking around, but I’m going to go back tomorrow to practice some more.

    I don’t feel like i got all that tan but I’m loving my body this summer and not overdoing it and burning. I put on spf 15 before and came back in after about an hour. I will do that every weekend once or twice a day if I have to… I don’t want to BURN my skin anymore to be beautiful faster, omg (((((((((((((((my body)))))))))))))))))))



  480.  #480Starla on May 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    lily
    i love the company Lane Boots
    http://www.overstock.com/Clothing-Shoes/Lane-Boots-Womens-Eternal-Grace-Leather-Mid-calf-Boots/5524582/product.html

    those are mine, super duper flashy, but they have some beautiful varieties around 100.



  481.  #481April Rose on May 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    They are gorgeous boots. I had a look at some of their other ones too. I would struggle to choose a colour, they are all so yummy.



  482.  #482Lily Medusa on May 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Wow, Starla! Coooooool. Those babies will definitely get you attention! I can just imagine you looking all hot with your boots and big dark sunglasses.

    Overstock is a great idea – thanks for the suggestion. I clicked on a few of the other Lane Boots they had there and I love them!!!



  483.  #483Starla on May 26, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I am feeling a very strong pull to CF today.

    I also feel totally in love with myself 🙂



  484.  #484April Rose on May 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I am working on a set of country music songs to perform with EM.
    We’ll need to dress up cowboy style.



  485.  #485Sassy on May 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Emoticon, thank you. And Starla, thank you also. It feels comforting to have some acknowledgement of my posts. My “relationship”, as imaginary as it is, is different, bizarre and ohhhh so complicated. Yes I pretty much know it will always be this way and yes I usually accept his bs. I know deep down that I shouldn’t, but that’s my problem.
    CD’ing? Yes, kinda. I am a huge flirt, I love to flirt and interact and listen to men. But I cannot seem to let go of JT. I have tried many many times. It’s a sick crazy game we play. I realize that. I do know, however, that from which his pain comes from and why we both act and do what we do. I don’t have any answers for it. It just is.
    And Starla, your body, I have no doubt, is perfect, just the way it is right this moment. As are all of our bodies. We just have to learn to love them and accept them as they are. I finally realized after learning so much about men, that they see us with such different eyes and thoughts than we can e er imagine. We are beautiful to them through the eyes of love.



  486.  #486Queenbee on May 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Omg! I just realized something… HAman has always been in the picture somehow since I moved back to my country a year and a half ago.

    Yippeeeee!!! I feel so happy and excited to be over him. I do feel sad when I think about how poorly treated I felt, and I wonder what I did to deserve it 🙁 But I know that I am enough, in every way! I feel so happy to be over him.

    No more pining, no more waiting, hoping and worrying. If I do think about him, I get to the point where all the poor treatment comes up and I feel sad and remember why I don’t want him.

    I love myself! 🙂 I love my boundaries. I love that I can just walk away from a man who is not doing the job of making me happy. I feel so powerful… yay!!!

    It took me a while to figure it all out. I suppose I felt confused… like wondering what’s really going on… Luckily, he showed me in no uncertain terms that he could not make me happy lol 🙂

    This past Wednesday when he came for his lesson, as he says he missed me, and when I ushered him out after his lesson, he looked sad. Lol, what a loser! I’m like dude, if you missed etc, then why didn’t you initiate something… what sort of game is this? Of course I didn’t say that. But so clear…

    I feel happy. Babystep through the last remnants of feelings… no HAman to have mancrack feelings about.

    I feel so free! Next Saturday, I’m going dancing. Ever since I got back home, it’s been one thing after another…. I’ve never stopped to just be at home and celebrate my homecoming 🙁 From settling in worries to HAman crap…

    I would love to celebrate my homecoming. I realize that I celebrate in private ways… perhaps one day I will celebrate something about me with a whole lot of people I would invite… Mmmh, that would feel so interesting.

    I suppose I worry/ get fed up/ bored by all the work it would take… or maybe I worry about all the people I would invite… perhaps too long a list…. 20 is not a bad number. Idk… the budget… mmmh, looks like I have receiving issues 🙁 🙂 It feels like all I do is work, work, work…

    I feel like having a party. I feel like starting to sew my own clothes. I feel like taking my glamour shot and treating myself to a yummy piece of chocolate cake.

    I’m gonna do it! Yes, ready to take my glamour shot…yay!! 🙂

    xoxo



  487.  #487ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    @476 Emoticon

    We haven’t discussed their situation yet. I’m sure not. Tomorrow is really our first date.



  488.  #488ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Should I mention the party to him and how she’s invited? Or should I just not say anything, go and just play it cool? Gosh, I don’t know.



  489.  #489ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    @478 Emoticon

    Yes, I know this. Before I found Rori, I would have stayed with her out of guilt and I would have hated being there. This time, I was like, you know what, I’m going to focus on me. If she wants to get herself into trouble it’s not my problem. Except when I got home, I felt like a terrible friend and I had these thoughts about her disappearing or being attacked or whatever and then I’d have to live with the guilt. Everything turned out fine, although, I feel she’s mad at me. Could just be in my head, but I texted her this morning to see if she made it home and she gave a short reply and nothing else.



  490.  #490ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    @479 Starla

    Good for you. I would feel uncomfortable too and I probably would have talked myself out of going. I feel happy you pushed through it and went. It will be easier next time!



  491.  #491Queenbee on May 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    I’m starting a new life 🙂

    Hey Starla, I love your boots – very cool!

    I’ve also been working out and still have some ‘problem’ areas. I’m pretty sure mine is my diet… I’m vegetarian also. I’ve decided to cut out dairy and start juicing my veggies again. That really helps me to feel more toned.

    It’s also probably time to get my teeth cleaned…

    Yogurt works wonders for the face 🙂

    xoxo



  492.  #492Daria on May 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    oh my! on my way to South Beach Miami super poppin function!

    gettin a ride from an online cd to a bus stop!

    sigh feelin a lil overwhelmed!

    heard traffic is terrible… wondering if my bus will make it thru…



  493.  #493Queenbee on May 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Hi ReceivingGirl 🙂

    Love to you Siren!

    xoxo



  494.  #494Starla on May 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Thank you ladies:) There were lots of women with perfect bodies at the pool, and lots of buff guys, too… it felt nerve wracking but I just kept reminding myself i was entitled to sunbathe and feel beautiful in the sun.



  495.  #495Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Starla…. the boots…. HOTT i love them they make me feel all diva country super star like…. i hope u felt that way in them too 🙂



  496.  #496Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    RG u are a good friend. But you are also a good friend to YOURSELF. You don’t owe anybody anything. You were nice and spent time with your friend and now its little RG’s turn 4 some attention and some R&R….. hey what can u say?



  497.  #497ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Starla, them boots are rockin’! I love the colors!



  498.  #498Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Daria… have fun girl



  499.  #499ReceivingGirl on May 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Hi Queenbee!

    Thank you and back at ya!
    xoxo



  500.  #500Emoticon on May 26, 2012 at 4:36 pm