To Get Your Man Back, You Have To Move AWAY From Him

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If you’re going through a break up, and he’s torturing you by trying to be “friends” or just not knowing what he wants, and you’re torturing yourself with blame and pain, there are so many things you can do help yourself – so let’s start here, with this letter from Emily:

“Hi Rori, I have been reading your newsletters and I was wondering if there is any way you can turn around a relationship that has already ended.

My boyfriend had ended our relationship because he wanted to be single and he wasn’t sure if he would ever be in love with me. I am in love with my boyfriend, so I was wondering if there is any way to turn this around.

I think he has commitment issues right now, but I also think I was pushing him away by making many of the mistakes you have talked about. Please let me know if you can help me. Thank you so much!  Emily”

***The truth is, for both Emily and you, too, if you’re finding yourself in this situation, is that sometimes it’s over, and sometimes it’s not, and the only way to find out is to move in the opposite direction from your man.  So here’s my answer:

Emily – Stop trying to turn it around. Stop even wanting to turn this around.  Instead, focus completely on yourself.  Focus on starting fresh (use my “Change Everything Tool – it’s in my Reconnect Your Relationship program).

And yes – this means making yourself available for another man (no matter how much you don’t even want to look at another man).  Imagine that a much better man will find you, and then when your boyfriend shows up again (and he will), you’ll have a choice!

I know it sounds hard.  And it feels all wrong – it feels like you have to DO something to try to get your man back.

But the most effective thing you can DO is use my “Turnaround, 100 Men and Out The Window” Tool to take your focus OFF of him.  I’ll spell out the steps throughout these posts, and so you can hear or watch me actually walking you through how to do it, I’ll let you know which program has the Tool you need.

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Cassandra on October 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    I am in a very similar situation but my fiance’ and I have broken up just this past Friday but are ‘sort of’ back together. The bottom line is that he does NOT know what he wants. He behaves as though he is not at all ready for a relationship however says that he does not want to be without me and that he does indeed still love me and hopes that once I move out of our home that God will work in both of us to fix things that need to be fixed in our relationship that GOD would bring us back together for us to get married. All of this is after moving here and giving up my entire life to marry him and then him changing everything on me by telling me that we would be getting married at some point but he did not know when – we were originally going to marry 1 month after I moved here to marry him. I havde been in limbo now for a year…not knowing…are we?? aren’t we?? Where do I stand? He says that we are still a couple but that we both need space and that he does want us to be together to get married…..someday. I am terrified to have to move out of our home and feel as though if I have to move for him to ‘get it’ I will not be able to come back home and feel totally safe again. I would love to heatr your thoughts on this and where I should go from here. Thanks again for all that you do!

    With love and a huge hug…..

  2.  #2Laura Meyers on January 5, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    My ex and I were going to get married. We had a 2.5 year relationship in which he was very loving and kind, and reassuring that I was the one for him and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
    But then he changed his mind 1 month before the wedding. His parents didn’t approve of our relationship and put way too much pressure, he just gave up (I am not justifying him; he is an adult and should man up). He has not stopped communication with me and apparently wants to be “friends” but he also proofs that he loves me “not by saying it” but in his actions. He calls me every day, and sometimes when I don’t answer he calls 6 or 7 times without leaving messages. Sometimes he hugs me profusely and proceeds to kiss me… I don’t have the will power to stop because I want him back!! But I don’t know what to do?? I am terrified at the idea of stopping communication with him, and we attend the same church. What do I do?? Please help me with strategy. I want to put him in a position in which he has to realize he loves me and he will regret having made a decision based on what his parents want and expect of him and not what he really wanted.
    Please give me some strategy!

  3.  #3Loumelc on August 28, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    Rori, why were you sure sure that he would show up again?

    “And yes – this means making yourself available for another man (no matter how much you don’t even want to look at another man). Imagine that a much better man will find you, and then when your boyfriend shows up again (and he will), you’ll have a choice!”

    Do you think that if a man ends it and you handle it well and stay right away from him, date, etc etc that he is very likely to show up again? Louise

  4.  #4Rori Raye on August 29, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Welcome Loumelc, and yes…he most always shows up. Not necessarily to court you again, but he shows up as a friend, he shows up calling you for some reason, he shows up at a class you go to…he just shows up so you get to see how much better you are without him…and if you’re not there yet…he shows up to remind you how much Circular Dating you still have to do to heal…Love, Rori

  5.  #5alicia pilotta on July 26, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Best advice I can give is walk away and move on!! I did and Im very happy! Meanwhile he still cant get his life together and its been 2 years!!

  6.  #6kathy sira on May 2, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    been with my guy a year, on and off. He said if i moved in with him if things went well we would be engaged in june. Did not happen, he said he was not ready for a commitment and he did not wa nt to be in a relationship. We still see each other and date, we talk most everyday. He has become very angry and is set off quite easily. my resolve is to live my life and be open to good options

  7.  #7nana on August 21, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Hi Rori, I have ordered your have relationship ebook, reconnect your relationship, and heart connection tool to get my exback.

    This is my story:
    My boyfriend, four years younger than me broke up with me since ten months ago. We had a relationship for five months.
    We used to work on the same job. On January I found a better opportunity on another job, so I left the jon were we used to work together.

    I feel guilty of leaving my job, because I felt I left him also,eventhough he had finished with me before I left the same job.

    I miss him a lot, I am 32 years old and he is 28 years old. I was his first girlfriend and the job we share was his first job. He bought a new car few days ago.

    I feel like he used me, like a toy he played with and got to knew and experimented things he never knew before. He once told me that with me, he changed his point of view of being single for a lifetime

    I miss him, I know he has feelings for me, but we are separate away now., thanks for your advice.

  8.  #8Neeci on January 8, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Hi, Rori. I dated a guy for four months until he told me that he did not want anything long term with me and that he was just not ready for a relationship. He kept in touch witb me through text msg and never asked me out. After six months of text messaging, we ended up sleeping with each other twice in a span of two weeks. I did not feel comfortable with the situation because he was not even asking me out on dates, just sleeping with me! So, I used your “I feel” advice to communicate my boundaries. It was through text msg, but it still got him to open up. I told him that I did not want a boyfriend or to sleep with a friend. So, he asked me what I wanted. I told him that I wanted to keep my options open until something real came along. He said he still was not ready for a relationship and that he appreciated me being open and honest. He said he still wanted to be friends. Then he asked me if I met someone and that he asked me since I told him that I wanted to keep my options open. I did not respond. I have not heard from him since. What do you think?

  9.  #9Rori Raye on January 9, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Neeci – I know the women here will be helpful for you to see what this is about – and I’ll start….delete him from your dating database. He’s done, you’re done with him. Believe him, move on, Circular Date…we’ll all help. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Neeci on January 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Thanks, Rori. If he text me again, should I just ignore him?

  11.  #11Holly on May 15, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I am currently dating a man and have been for 4 months. he has been single for 11 years and i am his first girlfriend since he got a divorce 11 years ago. I moved into an apartment close to him, his idea and he even moved me. He is a really good man, and a great father and i have known him for years and our girls have been friends for years. We had been taking things slow but then after he moved me into the apartment he started spending so much time with me, cooking dinner for us and even breakfast for me a few times. Before he wanted me at his apartment all the time, and wanted me to stay there alot. All of the sudden last week he decides he needs some space we are moving too fast and he is afraid he will not fall in love with me .. and hurt me and our girls or fall in love with me and get hurt. He does things for me, he takes me places, he has taken my kids and I to do things, He took me to meet his dad and step mother. Now this break thing and im scared I don’t want to lose him. I think the big problem is I allowed him to spend all his time with me and i began to be too focused on HIM! I was keeping his apartment clean, and helping keep his laundry up daily. This morning i stopped by (he lives across the street) on my way by and he had his clean laundry on his couch and i saw more on the dryer which made me kinda laugh because i haven’t done anything for him since he needed space last week. that’s the first time i had even stopped by since last week as well, and i picked up a pair of shorts.. almost folded them, put them back down stepped outside to breath a minute and stepped back in picturing the painting of myself so as not to be tempted to pick up the clothes and fold them! he is over 40 and a really good person. What’s your advice here?

  12.  #12Lor on August 17, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Rori, me and my boyfriend broke 2 weeks ago after 9 months. And I was confused because the last time I saw him we had plan to go to beach and he is going to introduce me to his friends. And a week after i got a text message from him says “im sorry im so distant” and my respond why dont u tell me straight to the point? And he says that all his saying is he is not ready for a serious relationship. I was shocked but but i had to control my feeling. I responded ok, i respect ur decision, wish u happiness and thanks for everything. He hasnt respond and its been more than 2 weeks. I missed him so much. But i dont like to make any contact because im stil hurting till now.And I never cling to him, I gave him space, I helped him out,i was doing his laundry if I go to his place, folding his clothes, clean, he always telling me that im such a blessing and im amazing and nobody did that to him the way i do.i didn’t even call him first, I text him first once in a while. We never fight. My question is, is there any possibility that he will contact me? Please Advice me. Thank u so much! Looking forward for your advice.

  13.  #13Rori Raye on August 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Lor – I know this is hard, and you sound young – but when it’s over, it’s over – at least for now – and that means you forget about it completely. He’s not ready for a serious relationship and you are. That means he needs to be out of this. Please, Please, Please ONLY date men who want EXACTLY what YOU want! Love, Rori

  14.  #14natalie on November 26, 2012 at 12:58 am

    Rori, My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last night because i went out with one of my girlfriends and came lied about what time i got home, we live with eachother while im back home but im away at university right now, so i had a few texts and loads of missed calls when i got out of the club and i panicked, my friend said just to leave it until we got home and jusy say we got home earlier and that i left my phone on charge in a different room. Anyway didnt work out like that and we argued and my friend even lied to try and back me up. The next day he sensed something wasnt adding up and i told him the truth, he is soo angry and hurt that i lied to him and he thinks i could lie about something worse (which could never be the case because i adore this man) and also he feels angry that he thinks he looks bad infront of my friend. He has told me its over and its real this time since we broke up in the heat of the moment before, hes told me hes packed my things and to get my parents to collect them. He still texts me to saying i hope your feeling better and make sure you go to uni but saying he doesnt want to hear about me giving him compliments and that i need him. I dont know what to do this man has been my rock, my best friend and lover, i can’t bare to think this is really the end?

  15.  #15Rori Raye on November 26, 2012 at 9:39 am

    natalie – you sound so….young!!! and you ARE young! You’ve learned a valuable lesson – the truth is ALWAYS the answer. Lying feels crappy to everyone, most especially ourselves. I also can’t believe this isn’t going to blow over. Please give him time and space – and after that – try the Kristen Stewart route (can’t believe that one worked, except that he must be crazy nuts for her and nothing she could do would turn him off….) – just read about it online and see if it works for you…because what you did (the lie out of fear) was SO minor!!! and long distance sucks anyway, so I’m glad you’re out having fun and Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  16.  #16Bamb on December 13, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Rori, help!

    I’ve been so good, even though after our break-up (over a year ago) I felt terrible, after listening to your Reconnect Your Relationship I went out there and met new guys and began to date. In August I even met someone I was steady dating for the last 4 months (eventually I was the one to end it because I did not feel like it was fun for me anymore because of other issues). Anyway my ex-boyfriend started moving towards me and all of my emotions came rushing back after a year of barely any communicating (except for a text here and there), then Rori, I freaked out. After feeling okay about it initially (for example, he wasn’t trying very hard, he would text me last minute to tell me he was in town and I either just wouldn’t respond or I’d let him know I was busy, which I was), I finally began opening up to him more emotionally using I feel messages and it was going well and he was responding too and telling me things that he has held in like that he still cares for me and thinks of us being together and admitting to feeling jealous at the thought of me dating other guys…etc., then once that happened I made the mistake of freaking out and wanting to rush things and chasing him again. He works long hours that are sometimes very random (part of the reason why we started having issues a year ago) and so I started to do the calling when I don’t hear back from him to see if he’s at work…then if he doesn’t pick up I continued leaning forward. And as you can imagine I’ve pushed him away. Two days ago when he finally called me back after seeing missed-calls from me from the day before that, although we had a good conversation and I was still using feeling messages, he told me that he would need to call me back later and he never did. I am being good and not reaching out again, but oh it is killing me! I want to write him and tell him it hurts and ask him if it’s over all over again even though I know that is not a good thing to do. And what if he comes toward me again? What would I do? I have already expressed to him I do not like being left hanging or waiting for a call so it would feel like nagging if I say that again. But if I just play cool and nice if/when he calls I would not be going with how I really feel. I am trying online dating again but feeling so discouraged and empty. I just feel very content and happy and safe and every feeling in the world when me and my ex are in good consistent contact and it’s a feeling that I can’t deny and haven’t felt with anyone that I’ve circular dated with (and yes I have been very open even very intimate with one guy) I just want to bring him close again on his own accord…without freaking out or the fear of losing him getting in the way.

  17.  #17Rori Raye on December 14, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Bamb – Welcome – and “freaking out” just means you need to know more about yourself and work on the parts that are “drama” instead of emotional. Just saying something “hurts” is drama. Please really work with the ebook (just click on the book cover in the sidebar) and practice with your Circular Dating – That’s what CDing is FOR! Practice and healing… Love, Rori

  18.  #18Paula on December 18, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Hi Rori… I’ve known this man for 15 years and we were friends for most of them and a couple for 4 years and have been broken up but trying to work it out for the last 2, although I feel he’s not really trying and seeing other women. I finally told him that I want a commitment after he’s been picking petty arguments and I sense the fights are to get space to see another woman. I sent a lengthy text to him when he text me after not hearing from him for a few days stating to me that he has “A hard time with question after question” and “won’t tolerate feeling like I’m being counseled or kept track of non stop”. In my text I told him that I’m not seeing anyone else and he shouldn’t either, that I want exclusivity after all of these years and I only want honesty and to let go of our past issues and move forward. I asked “is this something you can give me?” I then said if he can’t then there’s nothing here for me and to let me know what he decides. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard a peep. Should I take it to mean its not what he wants? And after 15 years why won’t he just communicate that to me? For 15 years we literally speak daily except for fights here and there. I don’t know what to do at this point because I feel like he knows I’m not going anywhere, and about a year ago when I started to talk to other men, he saw that another man called me and it created the biggest fight ever where he played the victim and was so bitter and angry, even calling me awful names. He’s honestly never been without me in his life for 15 years. I really love this man but I feel like I’ve allowed a lot of boundaries to be broken (or rather that I never kept any boundaries) so now I’ve put myself in a bad position. Please help me, I’m not sure what to do anymore.

  19.  #19Cassie on February 6, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    I have a question I truly hope someone can help me with. My husband passed away 2 years ago. I’m only 31 with a 8 and 3 year old. I met a great guy online. After our first date we continued going out for a month and half. Things were going great! This guy really made me feel special and had great beliefs and morals. I couldn’t ask for better. We spent a weekend together and the Tuesday after he broke up with me. He said something was missing for him. He felt like he was having to try to hard and if it was meant to be it would just come naturally. I’m so upset because he is the only guy I trusted and I miss him so much. How can I get him back??? Please help!!!!!

  20.  #20Rori Raye on February 7, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Cassie – Welcome, and the problem here for you is simple – you lack EXPERIENCE with men! Men come and go. Dating is a cycle, a revolving door. 3-4 months is the LEAST amount of time with a man before you can even begin to tell if he’s serious. at 6 weeks – nearly any man who simply isn’t meant for you will disappear. Please consider getting at least the ebook and practicing the Tools everywhere. Circular Dating will get you the experience you need. Love, Rori

  21.  #21Chrissy on February 11, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Hello Rori,

    My ex and I have been dating for about 4 months and he is 4 years younger than me. One night, he came up to me and said, ” This is not working out. I don’t love you. I don’t have feelings for you like that anymore.” We had many fights before ,but it was mutual bashing and miscommunication. I have done a lot for him, cook, clean, shared great sex, been generous to his family, been supportive,etc . He seem not to forget and forgive the fights we had ,but I did and forgave him. His ego seems really big. I thought if he cared enough for me, he would forgive me too. At the beginning, he said I was the one, he wanted to start a family with me. I thought it was serious and he said he was and now, he changed his mind? Anyways, I wanted a chance and he said wanted a month of not contacting eachother and we will meet again in a month. I am not sure if we are “together” or not at this moment. A week ago, I really wanted to make it work, but when I checked his facebook. I found he has 2 facebook accounts , one I am ” still in a relationship” with and one I cant see. I decided to change my default picture of us to just a solo picture of me and not show my status. Should I still meet with him in a month? I am afraid of being hurt again or is he playing games with me? I am pretty successful and attractive. I dont know why he dislikes me so much. My heart says I should move on , which I have people interested in me, but my other half says is there still a chance? Thank you for listening.

  22.  #22Joyful on February 17, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Rori please respond,

    I was dating a guy for almost 3 years and completely in love. He was completely in love with me too. Suddenly I got freaked out and became super jealous. Crazy jealous. It got horrible. I ditched him in a restaurant on Valentine’s day because some hot girls sat by us an I accused him non stop. I eventually pushed him away and we broke up for good. It’s amazing he even stuck around as long as he did. I’m still in love with him and text join as “friends.” It’s been six months since we broke up and I can’t get him off my mind. I went to the Dr and she said she thought the birth control I had been on was giving me obsessive thoughts and she took me off it and I’m a completely different person. I’ve never been the type to chase a guy but I feel like I need to prove I’m different now. He texted me back today in response to me asking if we could be friends And it said ” I would like to be friends…but I still have feeling for you and know we can make things work so we need to be careful…” Well, this gave me hope because I still have feelings for him too so I stepped forward (bad I know) an called him. I left him a msg saying since he still has feelings for me and I for him that maybe we should get together and just see how it goes. So he texted me this ” Sorry I missed your call earlier and thank you for the kind message… we should do dinner sometime or something but I’ll need you to be patient with me.”

    I am excited and my hopes are way up. I need to be careful now not to step forward and bug him about setting a date. I have never chased him but it’s hard now that I feel so much is at stake an I feel like I have making up to do since I’m the one who ruined us in the first place.

    My heart is so fragile. Please help!!!!

  23.  #23Rori Raye on February 17, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Joyful, Welcome, and the more desperate you feel, the more you’re going to push him away. To attract him, you need to be confident – totally good with yourself in all ways. Work on THAT, and forget about the result. Love, Rori

  24.  #24confused on March 4, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Hi Rori. I have been living with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I am so on love with this man. He told me yesterday that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Do I stay with him? Or, do I owe it to myself to find someone who feels the same way about me?

  25.  #25Rori Raye on March 5, 2013 at 10:37 am

    confused, Welcome, and I put your question and my answer into a post. Look for it next post….Love, Rori

  26.  #26Kasey on March 18, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Hi Rori

    I’ve been dating this guy for almost 10 months.
    We also lived together for almost 8 months and just moved into a new place.
    Last week he said that he thinks it’s better for us to break up now before things get worse. He thinks that I don’t trust him. Of course I’m a lil jealous here and there but Nothn crazy. I don’t stalk him or text and call him to check on him when he is out. He says he loves me to death and will probably never be happy without me but rather be happy alone then in a relationship. I’m confused he just gave me a promise ring last year for xmas.
    What should I do ?

  27.  #27Rori Raye on March 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Kasey – are you fighting? Or feeling upset and holding it in? How’s the sex? I’m not sure what’s turning him off – but perhaps you know? He sounds to me like he loves you as a friend, but has lost the “feeling” that makes him want to commit. The smartest thing you can do is say “I love you, too, and I totally get what you’re saying, you’re so right, I’ve sort of got you in the “friend zone” a bit, too…and (and here’s where you do NOT move, but figure out how to get a roommate) – then proceed to Circular Date like mad while you’re STILL living with him. Not necessarily date new men – but get out, take class, hang with new people, have friendly dates with new men….and SMILE. Do NOT have sex with him.

    This is an laternate to fixing emotional things that are going wrong – like finding out if he’s angry, if there’s another woman – without pushing. Love, Rori