Total Horror With An Ex And No Sex

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The Question:

“Rori, My partner of 5 years and I have separated after a five year relationship, 3 years common law relationship (living together). It came as quite a shock for me, the end of this relationship. We were sitting at home, and he shocked me with “I am his best friend and he wants to remain friends but things haven’t been good for a while…”

Maybe it’s me that chooses men that are emotionally unavailable.

He told me how amazing I am and how beautiful and good but he will never be good for me. He will never conform or commit for me. Really serious commitment issues. That was after the most intense 4&3/4 years I have ever had. We have owned houses together and are connected financially. He went completely cold on me.

It’s like grief, a loss of the relationship that we had. We were planning for retirement and how would it be possible and than now, Nothing.

I am having trouble sleeping at night , waking up at 4 or 4:45 am. Please advise. Possibly he may be a toxic man. What now?

Somehow I need to focus on me and even though he will be in my life, there is no more us.

I am devastated and I am having trouble recovering from the shock. He kicked his tenant out of his place and moved there. Most of his stuff is still here but he took what he needed.

I knew that there was a disconnect but thought that it was fixable and we would reconnect but apparently not. He says maybe one day we will come back together and we each have different goals.

He was married and divorced 3 times, I didnt know about the third wife until several dates. Normally I wouldn’t even go for coffee with someone like that.

Where do I go from here?

Please help me feel like the fun loving person that I was up until 2 weeks ago. I have been exhausted lately for many reason and can’t continue like this. I keep bursting into tears. ‘Confused'”

And Here’s Confused’s Update 3 Months Later:

Hi Rori, a lot has happened in the last 3 months.

My partner came back to me a few weeks after leaving but NOT all the way. I feel confused and not very confident. I tried to practice some of the tools I have been learning about from your collection.

Leaning back and not calling waiting for him to initiate texts and other similar things and have found them to be extremely helpful.

But there’s a key problem. I thought marriage was on the table a few weeks ago, he mentioned 5 years a few weeks ago. So I am disappointed when my partner says he doesn’t think our views on marriage are the same.

Let’s assume marriage is on the table in a few years still. I am 5 years in so far and not feeling any warmth from him. Since we got back together there has been no sex. No SEX at all.

He says he’s not ready and he was molested as a teenager and he needs to get over something and he appreciates that I can wait a few more months for him. Just hand holding when he initiates and some leg touching the odd kiss here and there. Also did I mention he says I am his best friend.

On money and independence he has gotten us both into a lot of financial hardships by buying houses both together and separately.

Also I am having trouble with feeling words but I am trying very hard. I like and I don’t like……..I am trying to express myself better and different than before … I feel I felt it felt…….

I don’t know how to even broach Circular Dating with someone I have been exclusive with for 5 years but since we haven’t had sex or made any kind of loving intimate touches in so long, I am willing to consider this.

Also he now hates the house we bought together because it’s on a noisy street and he says he can’t sleep here. So he keeps going back to his house that his tenants left a few months ago. He has paid me this month for January but I don’t know about the future.
He could be toxic but I am not sure.

Any direction you can give would be great or amazing actually. I feel confused and not sure what to do to get the commitment I want and deserve.”

My Answer:

Dear Confused: For me – no sex is absolutely unacceptable. Period.

I would not try to fix it no matter HOW long I was in a relationship.

Possible Script for you: “I love you, I’d love to feel your body and be close that way, and I’m a woman and need a sexual connection, and so I’ll be dating other men until you feel ready for the level of commitment I need, and I hope I’m available then…”.

And that’s it – I’d drop him like a hot potato.

I would ALWAYS assume a man who isn’t interested in sex is either having sex with another women, incredibly emotionally wounded in a way I could not fix, is gay or asexual, and therefore not being true to himself, or just not interested in me. Period.

It makes it simpler.

In many cases, a man is having sex with OTHER women, just not the woman I’m coaching.

I would NEVER encourage anyone to get involved with ANY man who says he has a traumatic childhood that affects his ability to have sex.

For me, sex is what makes a romantic relationship. Otherwise, there’s friendship and companionship – which are FINE – all by themselves – for some women!

Just not me, or any woman I’d be coaching around this who’s actually WANTING to have sex.

I encourage you to start working on your own issues with sex – I, like you, have bought many “stories” from men – and in the end it makes no difference.

Whatever we put up with – that’s on US.

Tolerating no sex means we aren’t really all that comfortable with sex, or feel we don’t deserve it.

All Rori Raye coaches can help you fix THAT!!!!

We have coaches who are not only specifically able to handle working around sexuality and sexuality with you – but can help you begin to Circular Date.

Beginning Circular Dating after so many years of being exclusive is a very brave and wonderful thing!

Brava to YOU!

Now, all you need is someone holding your hand through all of this.

The Siren Circle Private Coaching Program has amazing Rori Raye coaches who can help you quickly. Just go here, and Siren School Director Natalina Love herself will personally begin helping you->

Love, Rori


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