Trying Out Being A Boy

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Here’s a reverse!

I don’t want to confuse you – but sometimes – if you’ve been the “boy” in a relationship so long, it’s hard to switch to “girl.”

Or you just don’t want to.

Or you don’t think it’ll work.

Or you’re just subconsciously resisting so hard you feel paralyzed.

When that happens with a client – I encourage them to go even DEEPER into being the boy.  I mean really, totally running things.

And then , sometimes, that allows them to experience fully the exhaustion of it all, how the process is draining them – and how ultimately BORING the man is anyway!

So – if this is what you’d like to try – here are simple directions:

1. Remember – I’m encouraging you to consider trying this not because I think it’ll work, or because I don’t have faith in you – but if going “girl” is  really hard for you –  I don’t want to keep pushing you to be the girl and “not do anything.”

I’d rather you try SOMETHING new from my Toolkit than stay stuck – and if this appeals to you – it might be easier for you to start working in the real GIRL tools by going this route.

It’ll just be WAY slower going – and likely extend your pain. But I want you to know there’s an alternative here.

If the anxiety of not doing anything is too intense  – and you aren’t able to even use the Tools because you’re obsessing and then jealous and feeling crazy – instead of actually DOING this  – you might try IMAGINING doing it…and see how THAT feels.  See if it takes the anxiety away.

Then try going back and forth in your imagination – boy to girl to boy to girl….and see how THAT feels.

2. Remember this, too: The only thing is – when you’re the boy and you’re rowing, you absolutely cannot expect the guy to ever step up.

If you keep rowing – he’s never going to act like a man.

3. So, you look at the guy like some flower, like some girl, like some fragile delicate being and you take care of the situation.

You lead him. You propose to him. You say, “Let’s go to the market. I would really like to go.”

You just lead him around. Say, “Everything is going to be great.”

You are always chirpy and positive and upbeat. You don’t ever go gloomy.

4. Remember – He’s still a man. You have to RESPECT him.

You still have to take “No for an answer” (From my “4 Rules”). You don’t push and shove him -and you continue to respect him and appreciate him.

You absolutely NEVER tell him what he’s doing wrong!

Now, the problem with the way most of us try and control is that we end up attacking and disrespecting the man. If you can treat him with respect, not ask him to step up like a man, not say, “I feel hurt because you’re not treating me well,” because he’s never going to, not saying, “I feel hurt because you’re not calling me, “ because he’s never going to call you because you’re the guy now, right?

5. If you do this enough of the time, if it feels better for you to just keep doing stuff like that, you’re going to get sick of it.

After a while you’re just going to get sick to death and bored with him, but I want you to consider trying it.

6. More things to consider: Some men are very feminine energy men.  And yet they act quite differently from one another on the OUTSIDE.

Some are very soft. Especially in some cultures, men are soft – but they have a lot of “bravado.”

In some cultures men are soft all around.  They don’t speak up. They don’t lift a finger.

Some men are just raised to be soft by others who were very masculine energy.

Some cultures are very “rough.” Men act rough and they hide their feelings a lot.  With this kind of man it’s CRUCIAL to be the “girl” – even if he’s rough because he actually is very very soft –  and help facilitate his opening up by YOUR opening up FIRST!!!

Let me know your feelings on this.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:02 am

    I am very very good at this-it comes so much more naturally and easy to me than leaning back and being the girl, which I really have to work at.

    BUT, being the boy does NOT attract the kind of man I want. I feel much more relaxed and happy being in girl mode with a manly man who is stepping up.

    When I get boy mode withdrawals, I lean forward with male friends, co workers or men I’m not really interested in, but I send the boy away when I’m with a man I really like…

  2.  #2FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Lori I just posted a response to you on the other thread.

  3.  #3FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Rori this is great but I am not sure I want to try that. I am enjoying being a girl.

  4.  #4FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Is “by YOUR opening up FIRST?” tantamount to being a girl and opening up my heart?

  5.  #5Tmizz on February 10, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Thanks, Rori! Awesome post.

    “subconsciously resisting so hard you feel paralyzed.”

    That sounds like me.

  6.  #6FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 8:42 am

    “I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am girl.
    I just love being a girl. I just love being a girl. I just love being a girl. I just love beign a girl. I just love being a girl.”

    What is that song that had the line “I just love being a girl”.

  7.  #7FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 8:56 am

    “So go back to when you were a little girl, play dress up and feel good!!!!”

    Some good advice on the Man Just have to Cheat thread.

  8.  #8Tmizz on February 10, 2011 at 9:09 am

    It’s not that I don’t love being a girl. I absolutely love being a girl! I like soft, pink and sparkly. I like ponies and kittens, and I don’t care.

    Guys love me because I am girly and feminine. But I push them away because I think I have to “Do” something. Even if I know I don’t have to do anything to be who I am. I know that, intellectually – I just don’t “know” it in a heart and body sense.

    But honestly, all the “doing” is me trying to be a girl as well, and I think that’s part of the problem. Girls/women “do” stuff all the time. Helping, doing, being active. It’s what I see women doing all the time. I’m trying to “do more” so that I can “measure up.” I feel inadequate. I feel like not “woman” enough. I feel like I want to be my mom. Who was always active, always doing, always “making” things happen. Always criticizing. Always being the one to make the first move and to have the last word. I know I don’t like it, and it feels bad. But I’ve been trained. I’ve been domesticated. Sometimes I lean back at work, and I DON’T do all the cleaning or the laundry. It feels weird. I feel guilty. The other girls might yell at me. Sometimes they do. But I have to take care of myself. All the time, I have to remember to take care of MYSELF. It doesn’t come naturally. I don’t want to do it. I’m resisting. But I’m trying, in little, small ways. I can feel what it feels like and then…opening up. We’ll see….

    I know I can “be the girl,” because I’ve done it before, and I know that “being” isn’t “doing.” But it seems good to create the definition, to see what it’s like, and then go to where you are most comfortable.

  9.  #9FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 9:21 am

    RE 8 Tmizz how did that work out for your mom?

  10.  #10Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Okay, I’ve been thinking this for a while, now, and I’m going to say it now:

    I TOTALLY trigger on the use of the word GIRL.

    I am not a GIRL.

    I am a WOMAN.

    I am an ADULT. I choose to act like an adult, and be valued and respected as an adult.

    When I am with my 8 yo daughter and the waitress or server calls us “girls” I answer — “Only one of us is a girl.”

    This is because, where sexism exists, and it does in EVERY culture, women are not valued as true adults.

    Men used to say things like, “A woman is but a child of a larger stature.”

    And that was why it was okay for a man to beat his wife — in this country and others — until recently (from a historical perspective). If she acted up, she was a child who needed to be corrected, and he as her husband/father doled out the punishment.

    I’ve seen many a relationship where the man is parental and the woman a perpetual child.

    No. THANK YOU. NO.

    Part of the reason we moved into masculine energy was to combat this. I can totally groove on moving back into feminine energy and being a woman.

    But I date MEN — not boys. And none of them wants to be called “boy.” As a matter of fact, that’s a huge insult that has been piled on black men, as they were also considered not adults, and not given the rights and privileges they earned.

    Girl and guy are not equivalent terms. Girl is equivalent to boy — which we don’t use to describe men. Guy is equivalent to gal, which is not in common usage.

    Unless you want to call me gal — which is at least reciprocal to what adult men call themselves — you can call me woman.

    B used to say, “You’re such a sweet woman.” He knew never to call me anything less.

    A rant, I realize, but I was feeling a bit outraged and angry, and better now that I’ve expressed it.

  11.  #11Jasmine on February 10, 2011 at 9:31 am

    I am very used to being in the masculine and didn’t even know the difference between the masculine and feminine energy until I started reading some of these emails. I understand its so easy to do when we become divorced and we have to operate most of our lives in the masculine. And honestly I think I have been in that part most of my life.
    I’m working on the leaning back and becoming soft and feminine with men. I just realized I lost it last week during a conversation with a guy I had been seeing and in an email. I reverted and was telling some of the things that I thought were wrong with him, of course now I see that I was trying to fix, change and control. I’ve been letting go but now I feel guilty and bad for doing that and its a pattern with me. I think I get self righteous that I’m so good and in my mind I think I am helping me. Now I want to send an email or call and just apologize and say sorry for trying to fix you or control you. Don’t get me wrong here, he had been doing some things that were not right, and I needed to stick with my feeling messages and leave it be. What should I do now? Nothing wait for him to call or make the apology?

  12.  #12Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Lisi, I call myself girl all the time. 🙂 And I call all my men boys. I get what you’re saying though. I don’t view it as disrespect when I’m called girl. I view it as an indication of youthfulness or life. The word woman or gosh forbid lady triggers for me “old” or “mature” or “stuffy”.

    I hear myself calling my grandmother “pretty lady” all the time. I’d call myself a “beautiful girl”.


  13.  #13Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Jasmine —

    I say apologies are good.

    If you feel regret or sorrow about something you did, and you express it, that opens things up.

    And that’s a good thing.

  14.  #14FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Me too SS. I have to share that there is a man in my life who is totally taken by my daughter because of how girly she is, especially her tone of voice. The first time he gushed “she is so sweet” I had to look at what he might have been seeing and the only thing I sensed was the girly voice and tone, they were on the phone. I am also aware that men are easily wrapped around the fingers of their little girls so I am comfortable going there if that is what works for the men, as long as they act mature. Whatever works with their brain wiring or psychology I am willing to try, however I am willing to trampled on. I want to be treated as a delicate flower.

  15.  #15FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 9:45 am

    RE 14 I meant “I am not willing to be trampled on”, had to correct that. OMG.

  16.  #16Summerbaby on February 10, 2011 at 9:51 am

    If I don’t contact him, he will like me more. If I don’t contact him, he will like me more. If I don’t contact him, he will like me more….

    The following is said ala Alice of Dilbert…. Must. Control. Text. Finger. Must. Not. Lean. Forward. Gaaaaaaah!!!!

    He usually texts or calls by now. Sigh… Imagining waterwheel…


  17.  #17Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful for today, the first day of the 2011 five day Valentine weekend. Also it’s the first day of the Twelve Days of Valentine (I just invented this.)


  18.  #18FeminineWoman on February 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

    RE 11 Jasmine what do you expect to get out of reaching out?

    Also remember that guys are very forgiving.

  19.  #19Jasmine on February 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

    I’m not sure if I expect anything, other then making myself feel better. Usually when I do wrong or feel I did wrong I will apologize. At least that is what I think. I don’t think its secretly a way to pull him towards me. I have apologized to him before about things when I needed too.
    This is the guy who wanted to be exclusive an without talking to me, put back his profile on Match and I saw it there. He wouldn’t even talk to me about it for 3 days after that saying he got scared and withdrew. Funny I didn’t want to be exclusive and it seems when that happend it ruined things, because then I got hung up on the other women I thought were around when they weren’t supposed to be. Where as before I didn’t make a big deal out of it cause we weren’t exclusive and I enjoyed my time with him. Well my friends think he is a pig, cause he has lied many times to me and putting the profile up. But I see that if I was CD some of this stuff wouldn’t have happened or mattered. I just feel bad cause I feel into the old me of trying to be a fixer and maybe it was a get even with him , although it wasn’t mean.

  20.  #20abeera on February 10, 2011 at 10:15 am

    hi…roi u just amazing…u said aal those fact which r make me helpless in my life…pls help me out …give me advise how i my companion came back….plz plz plz plzzzzzzz

  21.  #21Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:18 am


    LOL! I love it! And I can already tell you it works! Because that’s how I acted with Ryan in 2009! I out-boyed him, and so if any needs specific guidance on trying out being a boy, I’m your go-to person! LOL! 😆

    I wouldn’t just call him and invite him over. I’d call him demandingly three times in a row if he didn’t pick up! Oh Rori, you haven’t thought of half the social faux pas I made! I can do circles around a man in out-boying him!

    How good it feels to be a girl! Aaaaaah! Thank you, God, for Rori Raye! I get a new lease on my relationship with Ryan! LOL!

    Love, Brenda, the learning-how-to-be-feminine-Siren!

  22.  #22Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I’m with you, Brenda. Oh…I was so caught up in my masculine energy.

    I’m still wrestling with wanting to e-mail P and say, “Hey, just because I said I was going to see other people doesn’t mean I didn’t want to still see YOU! Call me!” or “Ummm, I feel confused and am wondering if it might be helpful to have a conversation about what’s going on with us.”

    Either way, I know it will just make things worse and take me back to square one. I don’t want to do that…I want him to be the man he was created to be – for his sake AND for mine.

    Leaning back and chanting…he will like me better if I don’t call.

  23.  #23kaitlyn on February 10, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Sirens, HELP…

    It feels like I lost my boyfriend. I want him back.

    It went down like this:

    I cheated on him. For money. We had an agreement that my high dollar call girl days were in the past and that I belonged exclusively to him. We’ve been dating a few months, and for a usually shy, introverted guy with a lot of confidence issues, he opened up to me and drew us closer. Then I ruined it by becoming emotionally insecure around Christmas and chastising him for not making me a priority (his unreliability with following up on returning some things to me, picking up a gift I sent him, getting me an Xmas gift…though HE was the one to instigate the gift exchange idea.)

    My bitchiness => him emotionally withdrawing => me feeling more resentful => me saying screw this, I’m taking up this old client’s offer to go to Paris for $25K.

    When I told him I was going, he was hurt and even begged me not to go. I stupidly went. I can’t forgive myself for hurting him. I’ve even told him this, and he scoffs at my excuses. He says he likes me, but would be a sucker to take me back. He quit contacting me.

    Recently, I emailed him and he called me 2 hrs later just engaging me in casual convo, light and breezy. Naturally, being the shit-astic Rori flunkey I am, I de-sirened myself by getting all boy energy and bringing up the relationship. He ended the convo amicably but stiff. The day after, I tried to energy shift by emailing him the old playful, sensual me he fell in love with, saying I was thinking of him and missing him in my bed.

    That was 8 days ago. He hasn’t responded since. I’m guessing lean waaaay back and do nothing? Nothing except kick ass at my career and focus on me…YOUR FEELINGS much appreciated please!

  24.  #24Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

    How to Out-Boy a Boy:

    Initiate all dates
    Offer to pick him up
    Pay on all dates
    Let him recline the passenger seat while you drive all the gas out of your car so he can relax and listen to the music because…awwww,…. he’s not feeling well.
    Rub his back while he lays on his belly
    Run your fingers through his hair when he turns his back to you
    Initiate sexual play, caressing his neck to get him aroused first
    Lean toward him on the sofa and initiate a kiss
    When you’re making out on the sofa, suggest moving to the bed
    Give him dinner in bed
    Give him a dozen of yellow roses on Valentine’s Day, along with a $10 pen and a card, while he gives you nothing
    Take him out to eat on Valentine’s Day
    Suggest ideas for activities for the evening
    Take him to a romantic spot in the moonlight and invite him to sit on a park bench with you and enjoy the moon as the breeze assists you in running your fingers through his hair
    When someone yells at you for walking the dogs in their field, resolve by discussing while he looks down and remains silent
    After he follows you around as you shop, let him stand there like a little boy while you put the groceries in the car

    😆 😆 😆

    Yes, I did all these things, and more. I can laugh now, because, thanks to Rori, I have learned how to be in my feminine vibe, and it has turned it all around! And, yes, out-boying him demonstrated far beyond becuming bored with him! I FELT the wrongness of the relational dynamics! It was NOT working! We became a push-me-pull-you! Both of us were leading the relationship, and it fell apart.

    Now we are friends again, about 1.5 years later!

  25.  #25LittleDoc on February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Summerbaby – lol, YES… control text finger!!!
    If it can be of any help, I have always been one for initiating communication a lot… I never really got much out of it other than a polite adn semi-affectionate answer.
    I got even dumped on the night I said “I love you”! Charming!!!
    This same guy I veeeery painfully rafused to call after he broke up with me is the same one who is pursuing me like crazy now tha I am following Rori’s techniques. And I mean, he was IMPOSSIBLE!!!
    Now he is lovely and slowly getting to the point where I want him to be… funny how all of a sudden I have the lead though he thinks he’s the one in control…
    Hang in there, he WILL call! :-))

    BTW sirens, just a little word of thanks for all the support and insiht… it’s working amazing… I feel strong, beautiful, in control.. and OMG the other day we were walking down the street and he looked for my hand to hgold (First time ever!!!) and didn’t let me go once! He even called me later in the evening because he checked if my flight had left and saw it had been delayed adn wanted to make sure I was alright…
    Who is this man??!!!!!???
    Thanks to all… I’ll keep you posted!!! x

  26.  #26LittleDoc on February 10, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Brenda – I love you!!!
    You gave me such a good giggle…
    I can definitely see myself in many of your mistakes… It’s so good to be girls, isn’t it??!!
    Let’s keep up the good work!!! 😀

  27.  #27Summerbaby on February 10, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Little Doc @ 25….

    He texted. he’s out and about shoveling snow off of roofs – this is a man who doesn’t shy away from hard or even dangerous work.

    I’m imagining a gold star on my forehead for not initiating texting today. It was difficult!

    Brenda @ 24

    You forgot about loan him exhorbitant amounts of money because you just know he’ll be back on his feet soon and even though you need it and shouldn’t lend it you do it anyway because….. that was one tough lesson for me several years ago.


  28.  #28marina on February 10, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Wow, Rori, this great post of yours triggers a lot for me!
    I am on the train (with free internet!) I travelled 200 of the 400 kms I have to travel to get back home, last time I went to work in Groningen. but I have to switch trains now 🙁 hope the other train has free internet too so I can actually express my triggers…gottagonow brb fingers crossed..

  29.  #29LittleDoc on February 10, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Summerbaby – Well done!!! Massive gold star indeed! x

  30.  #30Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:03 am

    Summerbaby, Pamelala, and LittleDoc,

    Thanks for your comments! Summerbaby, you’re right! I left that one out about lending money! He asked me when he saw I got a car loan if I would get a $3000 loan for him! And I tried! Thank God, I was turned down! But I did pay $500 for his appointment in New York City to be treated for schizophrenia! And wow, I’m soooo sorry I wasn’t able to get you a loan!

    Pamelala, there is a feeling message Rori put out there that might be of use to you:

    I need a bit more contact than we’re having, and it doesn’t feel good to ask for it. I’m not sure what to do so I don’t feel taken for granted. What do you think?

  31.  #31Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:05 am

    This article is going down as one of my all-time favorites! LOL! I just feel giddy with relief…it’s in the past! I did it all wrong, and now I have a chance to do it all right!

    And that reminds me of a quote I heard:

    “You don’t know what is until you know what ain’t!” ~ Burt Rosenburg

    I sure know what ain’t, and I ain’t going back! :lol:!

  32.  #32Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:22 am

    I feel happy that I got nice Valentine’s AND Anniversary cards from Kenny! We met 11 years ago via mail. I wrote him a letter on Feb 13th, and he received it Feb 15th. So we celebrate the anniversary of when we met on Valentine’s Day! Feb 13th used to also be our wedding anniversary. We married in 2003 in prison then I divorced him in 2006.

    I feel happy that we are still close friends! He calls me nearly every day. He wants me to be with him in his happy ever after. I feel more and more sure of myself setting boundaries with him using I want and don’t want messages, along with feeling messages. I love him, but there are still issues that can not be overcome.

  33.  #33Mercedes on February 10, 2011 at 11:34 am

    ” If you do this enough of the time, if it feels better for you to just keep doing stuff like that, you’re going to get sick of it.

    After a while you’re just going to get sick to death and bored with him”

    Sometimes I think guys feel this way about us too when we NEVER make decisions or lean forward. I don’t think most of them want us to do it all the time, but I do think most of them love seeing it once in a while when we really step outside the box and take charge. At least that’s my experience. J leads 99% of the time and I surprise him with a little of my own control once in a while. He loves it. 🙂

    Much Love,

  34.  #34Amy on February 10, 2011 at 11:46 am

    @Mercedes 33: I TOTALLY agree with you here! I think a little leaning forward now and then is a necessity to keep the dynamics moving along….at least from my experience.

    Thanks for posting this, it made me feel so good about my own journey and that it does work to lean forward just a little sometimes. 🙂

  35.  #35Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:50 am


    RE: #33 – I bet Rori would agree with you! She said that the only time to lean forward is when you feel completely confident in his love. And you are. 🙂

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Here’s to making mad, passionate love like a wild animal! 😆

  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 11:54 am

    @6: FeminineWoman says:
    “What is that song that had the line “I just love being a girl…”

    Dunno, I just started reading this thread, so if nobody found it…is it this?

    “I Enjoy Being A Girl” Flower Drum Song Movie

    But, I must admit, some days I sing “I enjoy being a boy…”


  37.  #37Lori on February 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm



    I agree. Especially in the bedroom, I think you have to switch roles now and then to keep things exciting. I’ve heard alot of men say they get tired or ALWAYS doing the initiating. I like your 99%/1% ratio!

  38.  #38Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    @10: Lisi says:

    “…I TOTALLY trigger on the use of the word GIRL…
    …Unless you want to call me gal — which is at least reciprocal to what adult men call themselves — you can call me woman…”

    I know what you mean. Gal is “guy” counterpart and I will start using it more. I’ve only recently begun using “girl” — as in this year!– in a playful way with people close to me. Only because it’s apparent that I’m way beyond “girl.” 😆 If a stranger called me that, they might be called on it, depending…

    Following up on the remarks in your post, one of my favorite lines in the movie “Out of Africa” is when someone tells Meryl Streep (the Isak Dinesen character) about plans for the “women and children.” She responds: “Is that one category or two?”

    “Girl” is a little better than “old lady” and yards better than “little old lady.”

    Jan & Dean “Little Old Lady From Pasadena”

    “…Has a pretty little flower bed of white gardenias
    Go granny, go granny, go granny go
    But parked in her rickety old garage
    Is a brand new shiny red Super Stock Dodge…

    If you see her on the street don’t try to choose her
    Go granny, go granny, go granny go
    You might drive a goer but you’ll never lose her
    Go granny, go granny, go granny go…

    Well, she’s gonna get a ticket now sooner or later
    ‘Cause she can’t keep her foot off the accelerator…

    The guys come to race her from miles around
    But she’ll give ’em a length then she’ll shut ’em down…”

    Sounds like me… “wink”


  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    @12: Simply Shannon says:
    “.. The word woman or gosh forbid lady triggers for me “old” or “mature” or “stuffy…”

    There is a lot of hatred and disrespect for older woman and most young women will do almost anything, anything not to be considered in that group. That’s natural.


  40.  #40Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    I’m thinking of putting this on my heading if I join a plus size dating site:

    I’m a Gourmet Buffet and a Bag of Chips!

    LOL! No, not really! 😆

  41.  #41Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 12:38 pm


    You’re a pretty lady! LOL! 😆

    (My horns hold up my halo!)

  42.  #42Turtle Girl on February 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Hi sirens-

    Yours truly, TG just got a marriage proposal day before yesterday from one of her cd men. Ha!!!!!!!

    She is mulling on it.

    She told him she needs time to mull because she is turtle girl and nothing is done in haste.

    He is an awesome wonderful man. Opens my doors, pays for everything, treats me like a girl and a queen.
    He is kind, sweet, masculine and sexy. He is funny and smart and comfortable like an old shoe.
    I lean back, he leans forward.

    Stay tuned for further updates. Wow! My head is spinning.

  43.  #43femenergylove on February 10, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    got a night out with the girls.he did not write me a good luck for my exam today,i have not heard from him all day….really,he is going to go all girly with me?he is going to let all this goodness go out to all men out there tonight?wow………stupid….sorry.go ahead and miss this……….its all feminine energy baby….plus tomo i go to berlin for a few days…yeah…goodbye mr feminine man..hello men that can look down at their balls and say..”oh wow…i have these for a reason’
    i’m delicious…….i’m delicious…and i’m desirable……and i deserve to be wanted.
    forget being a boy,being a girl is what it is all about 🙂

  44.  #44Lori C on February 10, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    All of you professional Sirens,

    I need your help and this is off topic, but I am a woman, whose boyfriend needs a break. And, he really does need to sort through some stuff.

    I posted some stuff over on “Your boyfriend needs a break” but I would love, love LOVE some of your thoughts, advice and oh so feeling messages for me.

    I get the don’t call, text stuff. CD’ing?? Too scary at this very moment..this isn’t more than three days old but I am tired of crying and to me, a “break” means good bye. Does it really? Does it have to and if I really want him to come back, (I need some thinking time too) what can I do? I feel it…wanting to fix it but am firm in not reaching out and can be quite stubborn. He will text, how do I respond? He will talk to me, how do I react.

    I feel scared, and of course because he does need this, I feel supportive of him. He is really a terrific man, a wonderful, caring man with not a mean bone in his body…he’s just going through some things and those thngs are spilling over into our relationship, causing him to question his feelings for me.

    I feel grateful for having found you all. Thank you in advance for your help.

  45.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    @23 kaitlyn
    :…We had an agreement that my high dollar call girl days were in the past and that I belonged exclusively to him…”

    IMHO, I can’t give you feelings but I will give you a few thoughts.

    You’re not married and you can see whomever you please and have sex with whomever you please. When you write “I belonged exclusively to him” seems to me to mixing your business with personal relationship. Even with an exclusive sexual agreement a women does not “belong” to a man.

    You broke the agreement, so you are in the wrong. But you can make another agreement if your guy is willing. IMHO, after he begged you not to go you cut off his balls and stuffed them in his mouth by doing so, and now he knows his worth to you.

    These are only my opinions of course. Leaning back is good as is a whole lot of time and space, weeks or months to cleanse from the present situation until it is no longer raw and hurting and likely to become infected.

    IMHO, if my guy came back right away I’d be very leery of some ugly thing down the road. Human nature. When you cut off a guy’s manhood ugly things happen.


  46.  #46life_is_too_short_to... on February 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Happy Valentines, Sirens!!



    If only you believe like I believe, baby, like I believe, we’d get by
    If only you believe in miracles, so would I
    If only you believe like I believe, baby, like I believe, we’d get by
    If only you believe in miracles, so would I

    I might have to move heaven and earth to prove it to you, baby

    So we’re making love, and you feel the power and I feel the power
    Then there’s really nothing we can’t do
    (You know we could, you know we could)
    If we wanted to baby
    (You know we could, you know we could)
    We could exist on the stars, it’d be so easy
    (Oh, baby)
    All we got to do is get a little faith in you.

    Whoa, I’ve been so many places I’ve seen some things (Yes, I have)
    I know that love is the answer (Yes, it is)
    Keeps holding this world together (Oh, yeah)
    Ain’t nothing better, ain’t nothing better (Nothing’s better)
    And all the answers to our prayers
    Hell, it’s the same everywhere (Just the same now)
    Nothing ever breaks ‘cept the heart (Love’s a game now)
    Only your tears give you away (Ain’t it a shame now)
    When you’re right where I found you (Oh, baby)
    With my arms around you (Oh, baby)

    Baby, baby
    Love is a magic word few ever find in a lifetime
    But from that very first look in your eyes I see you and I have but one heart
    Only our bodies were apart (It’s making me crazy)
    That was so easy, so easy

    I had a taste of the real world (Just a drop of it) when I went down on you, girl, oh

    I can hear windmills and rainbows whenever you talkin’ to me (Never say never)
    I feel like swirling and dancing whenever you’re walkin’ with me
    You ripple like the river when I touch you (Let me touch you)
    When I pluck your body like a string (Show you what I mean)
    When I start dancing inside you Oh, baby, you make me wanna sing
    Oh, baby a love song, ah baby
    Oh, yeah, yeah, alright
    Baby, we’re sure doin’ it tonight

    Every time you come by let me try (Come on by)
    Pretty please, with sugar on it, that’s how I like it, uh
    I can’t even believe it with you
    It’s like having every dream I ever wanted (Dream of a lifetime) come true
    I picked up your vibes, you know (I’m having a fine time)
    It opened my mind, but I’m still dreaming

    Metallica Nothing Else Matters

  47.  #47Alonka on February 10, 2011 at 1:31 pm


    How do you deal with cheap men? i.e. when he asks you out on Saturday night and offers a cup of tea at a coffee shop? Even if you know each other for a while, there is no confusion about the fact that it’s supposed to be a date and he is not trying to break up. It’s just his style. Does anyone have any thoughts on this besides an option to walk away nicely?

    Other examples is when a guy ‘is not hungry for an appetizer’ or dessert, ‘doesn’t want wine’ but when you order it, orders too and drinks happily.

    My input on the topic is that once a few years ago I was on a date and the guy ordered just an appetizer (I did the main course), he liked my food so much that he ate almost all of it – I’m a slow eater. So after he was done, I called a waiter and ordered another dinner;P

  48.  #48tinque on February 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I initiate all the time though I have noticed that if I do it too much, things feel off, the dynamic between us feels out of balance, SO I lean back and wait. He comes around sooner or later, usually sooner.

    And Brenda pun was not intended.


  49.  #49Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm


    Seems like there are plenty more fun things to do on a Saturday night. Might you just state, “I feel hesitant to say yes to tea on a Saturday night (especially the Saturday before Valentine’s Day!). I want to do something ‘bigger.’ Maybe I’ll go out with my girlfriends. What do you think?”

    I did have a guy take me out for water and free chips and salsa once. Ummm, yeah, I never saw him again…or should I say, he never saw me.

  50.  #50tinque on February 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Yay TurtleGirl…


  51.  #51Alonka on February 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm


    It sounds to me that now you need a break – to sort out your feelings and understand your needs better. Yes, something that you didn’t want to happen and feared did happen. Does it mean an end – not necessarily. But whatever it means – to him, how do YOU feel about it? What does it mean to you? I wouldn’t be in a rush to respond to his txts/calls until I find an answer inside myself. Until I’m ready to face the reality and feel comfortable with my choice.

  52.  #52tinque on February 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Sorry Alonka – I got nothing. This would be a red flag in my opinion. Cheap with money translates to cheap in other areas too. If he doesn’t have it, that’s one thing, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re talking about here.


  53.  #53Alonka on February 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Pamelala, Tinque,

    Thank you;) Yes, the guy has money and he is not cheap in other areas – well, I didn’t explore everything with him lol, but he is a good supportive friend. Was thinking to ask him about it blantly, like saying that his style of courtship gives mixed messages.

  54.  #54tinque on February 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    On the second day of Valentine’s my CD gives me these, eleventy seventy smoochies.

    Red Queen? You’re up next.


  55.  #55tinque on February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Alonka – Still say it’s a warning sign.

    You could say you feel confused with him, and see what he says. But I don’t know that I would suggest it.


  56.  #56Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Turtle Girl: Woohoo!! I can’t wait to hear more!!

    SLV: I feel really weird reading my comment tied in with hatred and disrespect for older women. That’s not coming from me. I’m one of them, and I plan on continuing to be an older woman for MANY MANY years. Maybe forever who knows. 🙂 I do think it’s interesting that I call myself a girl. I’ve always done that. And yet I cherish who I am, wrinkles and all. It just occurred to me that the men I’m attracted to have all grown old right along with me. Even funnier irony is that I don’t find myself attracted to younger men. And yet I still call my men boys.

    I enjoy being a girl…

  57.  #57Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Alonka, why would a cup of tea at a coffee shop be cheap? Just not what you had in mind for a Saturday night? Or is something bothering you about him? If it is, I’d straight up ask him about it. You have a ton of options here. Only one of them includes walking away.

  58.  #58Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm


    I call myself a girl as well. For me, it’s an affirmation of my playfulness. When I was a child, I was a little grown up and it took me a long time to learn how to play. So, I like acknowledging the little girl in me who never got noticed.

    I can understand why others wouldn’t like it, but like you, I like it, too.


  59.  #59marina on February 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Hello dear Sirens,

    I am feeling disappointed about the situation in Egypt, what is Mubarak thinking? Ugh.
    But I feel hopefull for the Egyptian youth 🙂

    Been awake since 05AM, it is nearly 00AM and I have travelled and worked a lot today and have been in my boy energy a lot today too, I feel beyond tired and somewhat unfullfilled. Last day of working in the North, waterboard told me they don’t need me anymore as an interim since there is a new policy advisor.
    They did tell me I did a great job.
    Now I just wish I used a FM that this decision surprised me. Bc it did. And that is OK. It is also OK that I feel a little sad about saying goodbye.

    On a positive note, this means room for new opportunities and adventure, we’ll see tomorrow…;)

    Goodnight 🙂

  60.  #60marina on February 10, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    For all ya beautiful, girlie young and older Sirens:

    When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
    by Jenny Joseph

    With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.

    And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
    And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
    I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
    And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

    And run my stick along the public railings
    And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
    I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
    And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
    And learn to spit

    You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
    And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
    Or only bread and pickle for a week
    And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes

    But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
    And pay our rent and not swear in the street
    And set a good example for the children.
    We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

    But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
    So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
    When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    @24: Brenda says:
    “…How to Out-Boy a Boy…”

    I liked your list Brenda. I think now your “boy” you can do all those things for your “girl” you. 😀


  62.  #62Ella on February 10, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Hey Sirens

    Can I get your wisdom and feelings on something pls?

    I have just got home from hospital from having tonsils removed.

    Am feeling sore and woozy but being looked after and loved by my mum 🙂

    Well Mr B sent me some really nice texts b4 op.

    And then he sent me a text after op saying:

    ‘hope it went ok. I am feeling positive’

    Bearing in mind he had not spoken to me or had any contact since the op and therefore had no idea how it went.

    I text back that I was feeling tired, sore and woozy and then asked him why he felt positive.

    His reply was that all he can think about is me and him and how it is gonna work.

    Well I just felt angry and turned off so I told him that.

    He asked why and I said that I had wanted to be asked how the op had gone and how I was feeling.
    I said I felt sad and missed him. I didn’t want to be told about us I just wanted to be taken care of.

    So far no reply.

    Sirens am I being unreasonable?

    Or does his text seem a bit off to others?

    Like all about him?

    I am feeling really sensitive and emotional right now and just want a big strong man to take care of me…

    Including if I want to be unreasonable…

    Thoughts / feelings?

  63.  #63Daria on February 10, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Brenda – i did the same stuff

    don’t worry – there’s much more overfunctioning stories i know – like women buying the men a wardrobe, cars, shoes etc etc oh gosh its common

  64.  #64Daria on February 10, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    blah –


    paid for his license

    cuz that was “practical”

  65.  #65Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    @55: Simply Shannon says:

    “..SLV: I feel really weird reading my comment tied in with hatred and disrespect for older women. That’s not coming from me…”

    There was no implication that *you* hate or disrespect any group of women. 😀

    I’m sure I’ll post on this topic on other days; right now I have physical pain and don’t want to take medication so I’m only going to read a bit.

    Talk soon,


  66.  #66Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Ella, I would be feeling the same way, aka HELLO I just had surgery. I don’t need words. I want actions, aka someone taking care of me. I get it. And no I don’t think that’s you being sensitive.

    Funny. I was just thinking today that I no longer want to be with a man that I have to have a “talk” with. If I have to have a “talk”, then it means somethings up. Best for me to stay on my game and be honest upfront and in the moment. I don’t want to be rehashing old stuff. Only having new feel good adventures where I never need to have “the talk”.

    Words, schmurds.

    I want action jackson.


  67.  #67Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    @59: marina

    With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me…”

    The Red Hat Society


  68.  #68Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Ohhhh — I am tickled and proud of myself.

    This was not ENTIRELY authentic — but it IS leaned back. As y’all keep saying….babysteps.

    Sooo, I’m supposed to get together with M this evening, and haven’t heard from him in a coupla days.

    I texted and said I’m feeling tired and not sure about tonight. (Not entirely authentic here).

    He said “aaawwwww — what r you doing Monday”

    Me: Monday is Valentine’s

    Him: Your point?

    Me: If I have a date on Valentine’s, I want it to be special. I want to feel good about my sexy womanliness.

    Him: Do you have one?

    Me: Nope. Not yet. But, I enjoy being treated like a lady. What do you think?

    Him: I fully agree. 100%

    Me: I’m happy about that. Smiling now.

    Him: U are the kind of woman that deserves it.

    Me: Now, you made my day. Suddenly feeling much better. Thank you.

    Him: You’re welcome.

    So — I’ll stay home tonight — but I have a date for VALENTINE’s DAY!!!

    And — it’s up to him to decide what “special” is.

    Tingles. Anticipation. Excitement. Life is GOOOOD.


  69.  #69Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    SLV, I’m sorry you’re hurting. (((HUGS)))


    In a roundabout way, I ended up paying for my own engagement/wedding rings. Oh and his replacement ring when he lost his at a bar. Wouldn’t make any sense to get all upset and have no rings. Oh hell no.

    Who won the overfunctioning boy contest back in the day? This girl. 😉

  70.  #70Prairie Girl on February 10, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Okay Sirens … I want to tell you something funny from the new profile… lmao… I cut out the line about not being ready for a man decades before and all the bucking bull stuff to make it shorter…

    I sent it to a CD that’s been around text/email/phone from 2 dating sites ago.. he lives 3 hrs away and we’ve never met but had really good long conversations on the phone… He makes me laugh and laughs easily… I sometimes lean forward w/him cuz I think I’ll probably never meet him and I miss him making me laugh (he’ll just text “moo” during the day or something)

    Anyway I asked him what he thought of the new profile.. He didn’t think it sounded much different from old but that it basically said “I wanna cowboy”… I said well I do…

    Sooo…… With that in mind here’s the email I just got from OKcupid… LMAO!… This guy MISSED the cowboy message totally!!!

    Sorry it’s really long….
    Very Lovely Possibility!
    Feb 10, 2011 – 3:59pm I read your posting and found it very attractive and interesting. You are just the kind of lovely younger lady I am seeking with whom to build a happy future life! To tell you more about me:

    I am a very young 59, very attractive, very successful and healthy, 5’11”, 200 lbs., black (some gray) hair, deep brown eyes, will send you a photo. Native of Virginia, lived in Newport Beach and Beverly Hills-Westwood area since 1974. I travel widely.

    My Very Intense Passions:

    1. Magician since age 5, noted collector and performer of antique magic, consultant to many TV shows on historical magic film footage, film & video archivist. Museum scale collection.

    2. Individual freedom vs. government controls. I have passionately fought for the former and against the latter for decades. I have a foundation, web site and cable TV show about this. Extensive library on this subject. I have written 5 books, including Klandestine, featured in the movie Ghosts of Mississippi.

    3. Alternative or wholistic medicine. Established a foundation to promote it.

    4. Romanticist – (mostly older) movies, novels and art – a hero worshipper who is not afraid to cry and loves happy endings. Own 6000 movies on video or film.

    For us to have chemistry and love, you don’t have to share the same interests, but you should feel the same intensity and enthusiasm about your own. I sense that you do. That’s why we should talk. I think I’m a very good problem solver, but I promise faithfully to listen with care and empathy to you express your feelings and not simply offer an unsolicited solution that I think is best. I will really hear you always. I believe in unconditional love which means loving someone for the person they are without expecting anything in return. This is Real Love and the only kind that can make a person happy.

    I am seeking a lovely and sensuous and intensely passionate lady for sharing unlimited joy and discovery. I would always respect your feelings and personal independence. Tell me more about you!

    No limits,



  71.  #71Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    I shoulda took the pain pill

  72.  #72Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    left bracket open

  73.  #73Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    But hanging in

  74.  #74Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    OK, I feel like a chickensh*t. I cancelled my date with 11yearsagoguy. In my defense, I had a good reason and it had to do with my kids, but I felt immdiately relieved after I did. A little later, he texted me and flat out asked me if I had reservations about seeing him. I replied that yes, I honestly was feeling nervous and processing some negative feelings and I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. He asked me if I’d like to try for a later date and I agreed. I felt more at ease just admitting I was having some weird feelings. I don’t know if they will resurface next week if I decide to see him, but I’m willimg to try to face these feelings and get through them. He offered to take me to lunch rather than dinner or even a quick cup of coffee if that would make me feel less anxious, so he’s definitely concerned with my feelings.

  75.  #75Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    SLV, I love the whimsical font look! Good change of pace. It’s interesting because now I kind of expect it to happen on occasion. It actually bothers me more that it might bother you. I don’t want SLV flustered!

    The Whimsical Font tool – change your font, change your perspective, change your life…

  76.  #76Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    PG —

    He’s too old — but my kinda guy.

    I like the free thinking magic-speaking alternative medicine types.

    Find a young one like that and send him my way.


  77.  #77Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Lori, Woohoo! I feel happy for you. Brava! Baby steps.

  78.  #78Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:14 pm



    The red hat ladies come into my work all of the time in large groups. I just love them, especially the branches that do fundraising for children’s hospitals or animal shelters!

  79.  #79Ella on February 10, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    SS re 65,

    Yes that is it exactly!

    I just felt like WTF?

    YOu just don’t get me at all Mr B!

    I’ve just had op and need to be looked after asked how I am…

    Not hear some random thing about how you think we could have a relationship!??!


    I’m not even thinking bout that right now.

  80.  #80Ella on February 10, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Show me – don’t tell me!

  81.  #81Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Oh Shannon,

    your post about paying for your own wedding rings makes me feel ashamed. I’ve done something similar with an ex I didn’t really want to marry, but wanted to have sex with. He suggested “we” get a promise ring that was big enough to look like an engagement ring and I wear it so I could “feel” engaged. I found a CZ version of what I liked in an engagement ring and told him where it was. He dragged his feet, and the next time I was in the store, it was on sale for like 75% off. I called him and told him and he told me to go ahead and get it and he’d pay me back.

    I brought it home and he took it and wrapped it up and “presented” it to me the next day at dinner. Yup, you guessed it, he never gave me the money back even though it was like $100.

    I feel ashamed and icky about this memory….

  82.  #82Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Oh, I bought champagne and lobsters and cooked for him to celebrate our “pre-engagement” too. OMG the boy mode overfunctioner I was back then!!!!

  83.  #83Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:24 pm


    I feel excited for you!!!! Way to go on the feeling messages!!!

  84.  #84Prairie Girl on February 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    #23 Kaitlyn

    I think that SLV gave you some great feedback and hit the nail on the head…

    The thing that popped into my head when reading your story was the part about YOU getting insecure before all of this…

    From what I’m learning here if it was initiated by you alone (he didn’t do anything like pull back) you just freaked out… Then it makes me think that you have some things coming up inside you so that you can look at them and hopefully heal from them…

    If the insecurity was in fact a reaction to his behavior changing then that is another story… Bringing up different issues/energy for you to look at and change/deal with

    Gee this feels pretty generic on my part..I’m just learning this stuff myself..


  85.  #85Prairie Girl on February 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    #75 Lisi

    You got it!!! Lol…

  86.  #86Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    @tinque or Daria Daria Daria

    Could you check the source at line 1096 and correct typo error in closing i bracket? sb you know

    Fingers no longer move as fast as brain but I guess it’s better than the other way around. Some other forums help me out with a preview feature so I don’t caught out how as often.

    Thank you.

    <!– With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me…” –>

    The ancient wonder

  87.  #87Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Lori, You are in good company my dear. It just occurred to me that is EXACTLY what I was doing too. Making things okay in my mind so that I could have sex with him without guilt. I married the dude. Oh my. LOL!

    That’s pretty effin’ funny really. Yeah I won’t be doing that again. [nervously whistles as she slowly walks away from that hot mess]

    Don’t mind me ya’ll. Nothing to see folks. Nothing to see. Keep on movin’…

    I feel smiley. I LOVE my eff’d up memories. I am jacked up and I like it like that. So what.

  88.  #88Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    IntenseChemistryGuy called me tonight-exactly the day he said he’d be able to contact me again! I felt sooooooo excited to hear from him, I was smiling the whole time. I still feel confused about him being able to be on and post new pics on the dating site when he was supposed to be cut off from the modern world, but technically he still did exactly what he said he was going to do. He said he wants to come see me ASAP now that he’s back and told me just to name the day that works for me!

  89.  #89Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Oh Shannon,

    I feel like a hot mess too. I just know you’re a fellow southern gal from that saying lol.

    It makes me feel sick to think of all of the stuff I did back then thinking it would make someone love me or make sex outside of marriage ok.

    But I feel grateful that I see it now and I feel blessed to have all of the feedback on here to move past those awful feelings and behaviors….

  90.  #90Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Oh and I practiced being a boy today. I just went on Match and said I’m interested to about 70 men whose profiles I had put into my “maybe” folder. I don’t normally initiate online. I save them for “just in case”. LOL! So today I said why not. I’m rockstaring this out. I’d been pulling back from dating, and I think that’s the wrong direction for now.

    Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…


  91.  #91Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Now I wanna see M tonight.

    Is it leaning forward if I text & say I’m feeling better? and we’re back ON?

    He’ll like me better if I don’t text.

    He’ll like me better……..


  92.  #92Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:42 pm


    “…Yup, you guessed it, he never gave me the money back even though it was like $100.
    I feel ashamed and icky about this memory….”

    Lori, you could “reframe” what happened:

    You had good sex (I hope it was good) and you felt more relaxed and comfortable having the ring. Meaning you were thinking about your feelings and comfort and taking care of that.

    The ring was a style that you liked!

    You didn’t marry that cheap guy, hooray!

    I hope you still have the ring. I’d wear it proudly on my right hand as a reminder of my sexiness. “Is that ring real?” “Yes, it’s real.” 😆


  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    @86: Simply Shannon says:
    “… I married the dude. Oh my. LOL! …”

    And you got your babies. You win!


  94.  #94Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    SLV —

    Love the re-frame.

    It’s REAL!

    “By the time you become REAL, most of your fur has been loved off”………….the Velveteen Rabbit

    By that definition, it’s definitely real.


  95.  #95Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:48 pm


    I feel so much love and gratitude for you right now! Thanks for that, I think I am gonna pull that thing out and wear it!!!!

  96.  #96Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:50 pm


    you’re doing so great! Don’t lean forward now!!!

  97.  #97Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Here’s from a guy’s guru teaching them how to be an attractive, “cool” guy:


    I personally think that being “cool” comes down

    1) Being independent

    2) Being indifferent

    3) Being funny

    4) Being socially adjusted


    Indifference = leaning back.

  98.  #98Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm


    Re: 91

    “You had good sex (I hope it was good) and you felt more relaxed and comfortable having the ring”

    Is there any such thing as bad sex? : )

  99.  #99Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Thanks, Lori.

    You’re so right. It’s easy to get the result and then backpedal.

    Just like a relapse in recovery.

    Anybody got a donut? (I have an allergy to wheat, which sets up an addiction response. I literally got to 230 pounds on donuts, pastries and other wheat products)

  100.  #100Daria on February 10, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    SLV – I don’t know how 🙁 I want to know how… how do i get to change the source code?

  101.  #101Lori on February 10, 2011 at 4:57 pm


    I do the same thing. Get a desired result from leaning back and then instantly think that will make leaning forward OK.

    Right now I’m dying to text IntenseChemistryGuy and flirt with him because I missed that sooo much while he was gone. But he’s already called me and we talked for about an hour. He also has already asked me out for next week. And he’s worn out right now I know. So me texting him wouldn’t be helping my cause any.

    I’ll trade you a donut for some chocolate, which is the thing I want to reach for when I’m trying to control another addiction….

  102.  #102Daria on February 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    yes unfortunately theer is such thing as bad sex… sex that doesnt feel good 🙁

  103.  #103Lori on February 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    oh sorry Daria, I was just feeling playful. Didn’t mean to make anyone feel triggered…. : (

  104.  #104Lori on February 10, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    hahah Lisi,

    I resisted my urge to send him a flirtatious text, but he just sent ME one! So now I can reply to it and not be leaning forward. I’ll save the chocolate for later…. : )

  105.  #105Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    He’ll text.

    Or call..

    He likes me.

    He wants to see me.

    He likessssssss me.

  106.  #106Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    SLV, that’s exactly right! I did win. Hit the jumbo jackpot. Literally.

    But really I don’t even look at my life that way anymore. I used to only see the bad parts. Now I see the good parts. I actually catch myself longing for my old life sometimes. It was pretty good. I was just too obsessed with the small stuff that I missed a lot of it.

    Hindsight really is 20/20. My life has been hella good so far, and it’s getting better every day.

    I feel grateful for my life. I love my life.

  107.  #107Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    not triggered

  108.  #108Jasmine on February 10, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Okay I sent the apology letter for trying to fix him and my issues but didn’t let him off the hook for what he did. I sent him a text telling him I sent him an email and lo and behold he called. I leaned back and used my nice soft voice. He said he hadn’t read the email yet and wanted to know what I said in it. He said the things I told him were true and he needed to hear them but I told him it wasn’t my job to fix him and he agreed with that. He was more honest with me then ever saying that he knows he has some issues and there is a part of his life that is fd up and he goes through this cycle and doesn’t know why.
    I said our times together were always good or I wouldn’t have still been with him. And that I felt being exclusive ruined it and…..oh you would be so proud of me……I said I didn’t want to be exclusive, that I wasn’t looking to be a girlfriend and let things happen instead of try to force something to happen. So I think we agreed not to be exclusive anymore and just relax and still spend some time together getting to know each other and see what happens. I think he got too far into the future worrying about what happens when he is done with residency and he has to figure out now, if I am the one. And I said nope not at all. I am feeling very respected and that was the disappointing thing is that we can talk and talk easily about serious stuff that he didn’t talk to me before putting his profile back up.
    And I also put up a boundary with a former guy that showed up. Not sure I will hear back from him again, but I don’t care and feel good that I set the boundary ahead of time.

  109.  #109tinque on February 10, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    SLV – You’re in twouble….lol
    I’ll get it fixed. muah


  110.  #110Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    So I did the love languages test today (thank you Dorothea). Here’s irony.

    I always believed myself to be a words of affirmation girl. The last time I took the test the my top two were physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation.

    This time…

    Physical touch (10)
    Quality Time (9)
    Acts of Service (5)
    Receiving Gifts (4)
    Words of Affirmation (2)

    Holy sh*t batman. Words are at the bottom of my list? 😯

    Haha! Ella, I’m thinking of you chicka. Show me the money honey. Sincerely Action Jackson.

  111.  #111Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Garbage Bag girl

    she works for the sherriff

    hiding her smile unsuccessfuly

    behind the plastic garbage bag

    her fullish breasts

    throw off the woven orange vest

    so that its always hanging

    and when i see her

    her pants sticking with sticks

    and grass on her same turtleneck

    my raking gets a lil bit warmer

  112.  #112Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    @97: Lori

    “…Is there any such thing as bad sex? : ) …”

    I want say “No, no such thing as bad sex.” But unfortunately, uh, there is. tee hee 😆

    There’s a funny Woody Allen quote, well, there are a few… if I think of it, I’ll put it up. I’m not quite in full form right now.


  113.  #113Lori on February 10, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    hope you feel better soon SLV

  114.  #114Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    @99: Daria says:
    “…SLV – I don’t know how I want to know how… how do i get to change the source code?…”

    I don’t know what platform/CMS this is but I guess to edit must have admin rights.

    Thanks, tinque is helping out.

    I learn more stuff by exploring, scouting, messing around and making mistakes. LOL 😆 So I’m going to need an old guy who still likes to do all kinds stuff too. 😉 Gee, I’m getting excited thinking about it.



  115.  #115Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    she’s beautiful

    the way she lays around all day

    the way she chats

    and thinks shes all that

    /I love my sherriff’s work girl

    i dream in orange

    i smell the grass in her hair

    the way she loves the worms and spiders

    the way she gets so into her sweeping

    and declares the little things pretty

    my weeding girl

  116.  #116Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    she always likes to eat the little snacks

    she thinks she knows everything

    she tells us how she feels

    she’s got the freedom plans

    my jailwork program girl

  117.  #117Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    @112: Lori

    Thanks, Lori. Circulation problems and temporary muscle impairment. Last time knocked down for month and then another to regain strength! But seems milder this time.


  118.  #118Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 5:36 pm


    RE: #47 – “And Brenda pun was not intended.”

    What do you mean?

  119.  #119LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Boy energy font 🙂


  120.  #120Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm


    I just took my Mom out for Valentine’s Day. Time to go to bed. Sick with a cold and I overdid it.


    Love, Brenda

  121.  #121Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Senior Lady Vibe – I would try a FEMALE acupuncturist… have seen mine do wonders for a lady with circulation and big time stiffness issues…

    often prevents surgery from becoming necessary

  122.  #122LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    By Brigitte Fontaine 71 years old
    I assume she was smoking in the train when the controller checked her credential to travel. 
    And they told her off for smoking in the train.

    In the song, she is having fun playing with sounds in French. 
    I’ll skip the sound games and only translate the meaning.

    I am old and I shove it up your ass *
    me and my dragonfly look *
    “I showed my senior credential
    to the mocking pigs
    who bursted in an obscene laugh
    at my mermaid like figure * 
    I am old and I shove it up your ass
    me and my dragonfly look. *
    I am old and about to snuff it. *
    Yeah, just a forgotten small detail. *
    Move on your way, bastards,
    and run quick to the club car. *
    I’ll smoke my cigarette
    at peace, in the toilettes. *
    Everything is forbidden:
    alcohol, papers, fags, poverty
    and getting old in public places. *
    Everything is forbidden:
    speech, writing, fornication… *
    At 60, cum is forbidden
    or else scandal and sniggers *
    I am old and I shove it up your ass
    me and my dragonfly look. *
    I am old and about to snuff it. *
    Yeah, just a forgotten small detail. *
    Sick people are forbidden,
    they are thrown in the ditch,
    unless profit can be sucked from them. *
    More gold for the luckiest. *
    The old ones are thrown to the nettles,
    to the asylum, to the castle of oblivion. *
    That’s what’s awaiting me tomorrow,
    if I ever lose my path. *
    I’ve got different projects, you see. *
    I am going to shag, drink and smoke. *
    I am going to invent myself better skies,
    always vaster and priceless. *
    I am old and I shove it up your ass
    me and my dragonfly look. *
    I am old with no faith nor law. *
    When I die, it will be of joy.” *


  123.  #123Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    @120: Daria says:
    “…Senior Lady Vibe – I would try a FEMALE acupuncturist… ”

    Thanks, Daria. I’ve never had acupuncture but I’m open and I’ll look into it for near future, regular medical at end of month. I’ll start looking around!


  124.  #124Daria on February 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    ohi feel so moved by the last line i am like sobbing with laugh/crying

    when i die it will be of joy

  125.  #125LJ on February 10, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Dear Rori and Friends, it has been quite a while since I have been on this blog.I’m hoping I could get some insight from u and others and some advice on my situation.
    I was in a relationship with a co-worker for about 4 years and I was hurt and baffled how it ended with no explanation…..however, I did receive an extremely rude, hurtful letter from him during the ending process that made me question if I had even known this guy at all……………….I went trhough a traumatic time in my healing process for communication was completely cut off from his end, and after the letter I did not make any more attempts to talk to him and contact him…for over a year …I would be at work with him and my office just about 20 ft from his, day in and day out, have to hear his voice, see him, and had no one at work to express my painful feelings to, and basically carried myself around the office with a happy go lucky persona, acting like nothing bothered me, yet was suffering silently on the inside…I could never get him outta of my head..i knew I loved this guy….anyway, like I said I did this over a year and also during that year, I tried focusing on myself, and I truly turned to God for help, praying everyday to help me through what I was feeling…I did grow stronger …as time went on, I felt that I had grown and realized that it was probably best that we weren’t together..that it was for the best..yet in accepting that..i still had love for this man and always thought that it didn’t have to be the way it was in the present…no communication, no friendship, acting like complete strangers, etc….it really hurt me to think that we would never be in contact again…I thought it over and over for months whether I should just be the bigger person, the ballsy person, (knowing he would never do it b/c he was too prideful) to just simply ask him to hang out and chat….i would go back and forth in my head questioning if this was the right thing to do, and actually would ask God to guide me daily on this as to what to do…finally..this October..i did it..asked him to go out for a drink after work (again,this is after a year of basically no contact)…..
    Well…he met me out..we did some catching up (no talk of the relationship)..and we had great laughs and a good time..and I felt really good about it..(of course..i much mention..i once again felt the chemistry b/t us)….that’s where it all started once again………now let me fast forward to the present day (it’s feb)…since that first day of drinks…this relationship in which I thought we could be friends has morphed into something more…we have hung out several times, talked on the phone several times, and ladies don’t kill me but yes we have also slept together several occasions… me..i battled in my own mind with this fearing that I might be leading down a destructive path….i very well may be doing just that…
    …the thing is..we have been having a lot of fun, I am so much more relaxed with him than I was during that last 6 months we were together…I think its because over this last year, I found myself again and without realizing it had lost myself at some point when we were together……I do enjoy my time with him and I sort of feel in a sense that this is a learning experience for me in that I am learning more about myself in this current process of seeing him again…there are a lot of good things here I feel..i promise you that….and I am happy that we are in contact again…though I wasn’t planning on it going this route truly. However, I take full responsibility for letting this thus far turn into a dating/sexual/more than friends situation…’s tough because though in one sense I am happy….in the other sense, I am afraid that I am setting myself up for getting hurt….and that’s where I feel really torn…one thing I have not done and have put on the back burner is initiating a real discussion about what happened with us and I feel that it is something that needs to be done….not only that..i feel that this conversation would be a huge lead in to something else I need to address which is…”Is he dating someone else” he sleeping w/ someone else, …I think I have just sort of pushed these off to the side thinking that the time will come..the timing will be right to address this and in the process just been enjoying myself with him……..the thing is, I know myself..the more time I spend with him and the more I sleep with him..the closer I will get and the more vulnerable I will get …’s scary..but I guess I’m unsure how to approach this…….i was actually mad at myself the last couple days and found myself on the inside a bit angry at him…we had a great time last sat and Sunday…great time!…then we talked and have texted a few times since but i realize i am the initiating this contact for the most part…the last thing i want to do is repeat any patterns of me doing too much, or be having doubtful feelings, or wondering what he’s thinking or why he hasn’t called…i sometimes catch myself reverting to that way and then take a step back to observe my feelings and get centered again……please lend me your thoughts/feelings…i’d appreciate it..and do u think that i should initiate a conversation about why are relationship ended or wait….thanks in advance

  126.  #126Anya on February 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Hello, Sirens
    I’m new to this blog and not sure if I’m posting in the right place so please feel free to redirect me.
    I found Rori about a month ago and have purchased Targeting Mr. Right program. It’s incredible.
    I since started my CDing by using the online dating site and starting to get date invitations. I’ve went on some dates already and am trying to practice the tools.
    I find it very challenging as I am realizing that most of my life I have been in my head and am totally unfamiliar with feelings and emotions. I’m very good at stuffing everything down.
    I have a following problem that I’m hoping to get some feedback on.
    I feel like I do not have enough energy for all of this. I was feeling very excited about all these date invites and have scheduled 4 this week. I had to cancel one today because I just felt so run down and tired. Rori recommends dating as many guys as possible, but I just don’t see how I can do more than 2-3/week.
    I have so much to learn! There is so much that triggers me! I know this is the right program and path for me, a lot of untangling to do…
    So how do I make myself more available and don’t let all this suck all the energy out of me?
    thank you, I think you all are fabulous!!! 🙂

  127.  #127archerie on February 10, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Ella @61

    Hi Ella , some practical advice from me , who had 9 hour surgery , mucho blood loss, drugs, pain etc and Gman texting and trying to see me amongst it all…

    You are ill,
    You are drug affected
    You are in pain …
    Your brain is not itself ..therefore ALL DECISIONS < EMOTIONS < THOUGHT ARE UNRELIABLE.

    That means the nasty sounding truth , ie you cannot trust yourself in this condition to know what you want , to feel appropriate feelings , to concentrate m, reason etc..please dont try to.

    I really mean that.
    Your brain will be playing tricks on you for at least 2 weeks.

    I would personally advise you to turn off your phone if you can .
    (My failure to do so led to even more hurt and complication.)

    And I know what it feels like to want that man to be there for you to lean on, to CARE for you..and believe me , again speaking from experience, that natural impulse will lead you to T..R…O…U…B…L…E .., unless of course you have already a reliable , true grit man who really is fully available and there for you . And we all know that Bman has not offered reliability .

    Sorry , i do hear your cry , and i so empathise with that , but dont play with fire when you are post -op.

  128.  #128Daria on February 10, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    LJ – uhoh!

    read Rori’s post above. You took the masculine role by deciding to be the “ballsy” person.

    now it’s starting to feel like a drag and you feel insecure

    yes, he’s seeing other people

    yes he’s probably sleeping with others

    please CD. you can keep him in rotation, when he asks YOU out on a date

    initiating talks with him to get closer will not get you the adoration your femininity desires

    that will start happening, from other men, maybe him… once you intend to take the feminine role and start babystepping to opening up… showing feelings instead of “happy faces” and not driving stuff forward with one man

    you may have driven yourself in a dead end here

    you will grow from this

    i expect it may be painful in the transition

    start CD ing for the purpose of therapy and practice right away

  129.  #129Daria on February 10, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    archerie – i feel a bit closed off reading your post

    it sounds like you are advising Ella not to trust her feelings… because of surgery

    yes feelings will be all over the place… but so what?

    sharing all over the place feelings will bring intimacy

    (blaming, however, will not… and i did get some of that in her tone to B man)

    what are you advising when you say “don’t play with fire”?

    for me, i can get triggered and all over the place in intense situations, and from hormones, yet i want to feel safe to share even in these situations…

  130.  #130Daria on February 10, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Anya – what Rori told me was — make sure you make time for REST!! processing emotions IS using energy…

    so take the time off when you need it

  131.  #131Daria on February 10, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    I guess i felt triggered reading that

    i feel scared if i were receiving that advice

    i don’t want to not feel safe trusting myself


    i DO feel safe trusting myself no matter what… even if im 100% loco,,, espeicallly trusting my feelings

  132.  #132Lori on February 10, 2011 at 6:32 pm


    I agree, and I would want to know they can handle me at both my best and my worst.

    Like Marilyn Monroe said:

    “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best!”

  133.  #133Anya on February 10, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    @ Daria
    Thank you!
    I just want to make sure that my subconscious doesn’t play tricks on me by keeping me away and emotionally unavailable (that happens often when I get scared).
    I hope the energy level will go up and I will continue CDing, learning and growing…
    I have been “single” (my old definition of not having a bf) for about 2 years, during which I dated once in a while, but was always stuck in a I like him/he doesn’t like me, He likes me/I don’t like him dance…
    Self-esteem and confidence in dating went way down… I know I have some commitment issues and CDing is actually a good way for me to practice/experiment without getting scared of something becoming too serious, too soon and running away.
    I also want to somehow make sure though that CDing doesn’t become like a crutch for me, making me think that I will never have to commit because there are so many good options out there.
    A lot of work to be done…
    I’m sure I’ll be here for advice quite a lot! So glad to have you all here! This feels great!

  134.  #134LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 6:53 pm

      Kaitlyn 23

    ***We had an agreement that my high dollar call girl days were in the past and that I belonged exclusively to him. ***
    ***Then I ruined it by becoming emotionally insecure around Christmas and chastising him for not making me a priority (his unreliability with following up on returning some things to me, picking up a gift I sent him, getting me an Xmas gift…though HE was the one to instigate the gift exchange idea.) ***

    Looks like he was only dating you and you were in an imaginary relationship all about him and his needs. You were bond to feel insecure at some stage.

    Was this activity your job?
    If it was, then he knows he should make sure you don’t lack the money when he asks you to stop earning your money.
    It seems outrageous that any one should ask any one to stop working. The least he could do when he asks such a thing is to propose to marry you and provide for you.
    If he wants you to belong to him, as in « I want to feel safe emotionally that you won’t need the attention of any other man than me » then he must commit to you.

    Seems like you fell into the girl friend trap, which is he was feeling safe that you did not see any other man, but he did not commit, he was only dating you, he did not do anything for you, not even planning time to find a Xmas gift..
    He got all the advantages and no responsibility
    No wonder you felt insecure.
    He abused you with this agreement.

    The other way to see it is that when you accepted to give up your travelling and money making, you were leaning forward
    You were giving him your life in the hope to GET his attention and proofs of love.
    Giving to get in return, makes us feel resentful.
    We have that preconceived idea of what would be big enough to repay our efforts and we don’t receive gladly what they actually give us.
    The best would be to never accept to give up your activity, be it for him or a new man.
    Give it up when you feel ready, for yourself, when you feel happy without the activity in your life .

    Your guts told you the agreement was abusive, it was all about HIS needs.
    Your guts told you to accept the trip and the money, because your needs were not met.
    You did the right thing. You focused back on yourself.
    It is not so much about your type of job, but about him not working to make you happy and yet asking you to make his ego HUGE. A call girl who stops her work for him means he is a big man.

    Work on understanding why you believe that you need this man although he is obviously costing you a lot of money and not working at all to court you.


  135.  #135Daria on February 10, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Kaitlyn – to add to LP (love it!)

    “Work on understanding why you believe that you need this man although he is obviously costing you a lot of money and not working at all to court you. ”

    maybe you don’t even need to find the Why

    dropping the belief – would do it for me


    here’s the words i recite to myself to change a belief

    it’s a process called Ask and Receive:

    “A part of my being already knows that I no longer need to believe that I need this man

    (pause… breathe)

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so

    my psyche, body, and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete”

  136.  #136Winnie on February 10, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    SLV @ 39

    Had to laugh when I read your comment about being called a Lady….perish the thought!!! I spend a bit of time trolling through the profiles on a couple of dating sites and get an instant reaction of “Yuck!!!” when ever I read about a guy looking for a nice lady. Hahaha.
    I’m pretty new to Rori’s ideas and needing to be very conscious of getting into my feminine energy with guys, but I’m definitely wanting to be the “cool girl” or “great woman” for a guy, and not anyone’s “nice lady”!

  137.  #137Prairie Girl on February 10, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    #134 Daria

    OMG that is SO powerful…. I love it… Thank you for sharing that…

  138.  #138Prairie Girl on February 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    #133 LP Love it!!!!! Very insightful…

  139.  #139Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    @135: Winnie says:

    “..Had to laugh when I read your comment about being called a Lady…”

    I didn’t make a comment about being called a “lady.”

    I like being called a lady, because I am, if that’s what you mean.

    I’m willing to let other people decide whether or not they are ladies, although I generally default to referring to females as “young ladies.”

    Are you talking about the phrases “old lady” and “little old lady?” That’s something entirely different. I hope you don’t think they are the same as “lady.” They are not; but if you are not a lady it might seem so.

    Nothing to worry about.

    I’m curious. Are you opposed to dating gentlemen? Or if you do, do you date only gentlemen who don’t consider you a lady?


  140.  #140Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    I woke up after about 1.5 hours practically choking on my mucous, which set off horrible coughing. I feel colder than usual and I turned the heat up. I am taking concentrated oregano in pill form along with cold medicine. I want to cuddle.

  141.  #141Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Kenny Rogers – “Lady” by Lionel Richie


  142.  #142Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    OK, ladies….advice?

    HunkyGuy and I have a date planned for tomorrow night. He hasn’t asked for my number yet. He hasn’t told me when and where we are meeting for dinner.

    Should I lean back (which I suspect is correct) or should I shoot him a quick e-mail asking when and where?

    I don’t want to be stuck with nothing to do tomorrow night….Sheesh, if he doesn’t come through, I might have to take myself to see Gnomeo and Juliet all by my lonesome.

  143.  #143Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    oop, I said ladies…hope no one is offended!

  144.  #144Daria on February 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    i feel triggered…

    i feel annoyed by what i see as judgement of “old”

    can we bring back OLD as a feel good word

    I’d like to wake up the OLD memories of being OLD
    and the white mountain OLD limestone ladies

    even LITTLE AND OLD as well as BIG and OLD

    as happy

    I want to shake out OLD out of my drawer… wehre it’s been sitting since OLD times of OLD

    and watch it get OLD

    as soul passes into the realm of what could be through OLDNess

    poked from within my chest by my LITTLE OLD grandmother

    whose body was big when i washed her as the soul came undone

    to journey back into the earth

    or into the sky

    wherever she chose to go now

    OLD like the stones


    I am too and was and will be again


    is attended to

  145.  #145Daria on February 10, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    when i get old i would like to be called old

    and crone

    and i would like to feel the shaky fear

    of other’s thoughts

    and laugh

    from inside my OLD psyche

    that knows how OLD she really is and OLDER still she was and she transformes becoming

    in the old pretzel of time

  146.  #146Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm


    I hate when men do that. It seems to happen a lot from what people share on the blog. I think the Siren thing to do is to lean back.

    I forget for sure exactly how it was suggested to me but here are a few feeling messages for after the fact that maybe you could tweak to your situation if it feels right:

    I feel scared to say this… And the truth is… I felt bad not getting a call from u when I was expecting one earlier… What do u think?

    “I dunno. Until last night it felt like you were excited about me and I let myself get a bit excited about you. I was looking foward to your call last night and felt disappointed when it never came. I don’t like feeling that way. Now I’m just feeling kind of turned off. I dont want to start anything with a man who doesn’t call when he says he’s going to.”


    Oops I didn’t hear from you and didn’t know what was happening.– And I feel a lil bit mad to be so excited and then disappointed when it didn’t happen. Actually I feel very mad.


    i feel disappointed… i was looking forward to our date and now it seems like it’s not going to happen

  147.  #147Daria on February 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Pamelala – dating yourself to see Gnomeo and Juliet sounds like an awesome Plan B

    i would do it!

  148.  #148Daria on February 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    meaning i would start getting ready for my plan B

    and no, I would not call or ask him anything at this point

  149.  #149Winnie on February 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    SLV @ 138

    Sorry, I’m just getting the hang of this blog, and it was Simply Shannon’s comment @ 12 that I had noticed. Just got a bit muddled keeping track of the convo.

    I actually do see myself as being a lady (or ladylike) in most circumstances, it is mainly the term “NICE lady” that pushes my buttons as for some reason it makes me think doormat (again, that’s just my interpretation). The term just makes me feel yucky!

    As for dating gentlemen, bring it on I say! And they had better treat me as a lady if they want to stay around (just not as a doormat) Thanks for pulling me up on this though, didn’t mean to be stereotyping anyone.

  150.  #150Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Brenda and Daria,

    Thanks for confirming what I already knew to be true. I’m working on trusting myself more.

    I know what best for me. I can trust my instincts, my gut, and the new tools I’m learning. I’m going to have fun either way because I’m amazing! 🙂

  151.  #151Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm


    I wonder what would be the guideline of what time would be the cut-off? Like 5 pm to get back to me about the time and solid plans? 3 pm? What do you think?

  152.  #152Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    @42: Pamelala says:
    “…oop, I said ladies…hope no one is offended!…”

    Nope, better than skank… 😆


  153.  #153Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    SLV…I can always count on you for a giggle. 😀

  154.  #154Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I feel thankful to have a warm, dry, safe home. I feel bad for wild animals and domestic animals especially left out in the cold. I want to hug them all and bring them in.

  155.  #155Winnie on February 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Haha, did I start something here?!

    Can’t wait to be old. Already nearly am..44! My grandmother is old (103 in April) and has such a youthful outlook…total inspiring.

  156.  #156Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I’m watching Japanese world news….interesting.

  157.  #157Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Also, dear random people on OKCupid. If you’re going to give me high marks for my profile. How about you man up and send me an e-mail instead of making me play guessing games. Blah

  158.  #158Siena on February 10, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I’ve been off the blog for a while. Chirped up a couple of days ago with a challenge that has passed. (thank you all who helped!) Just back to say hello and send my love!! It’s fun reading all of your posts. Brenda, your list of man things you did was hilarious! I have done most of them too, lol. SS, Daria – sooo wise! Wow!!

    Ex bf came and went. Tinque, you said he had a message for me, and you were right!! I felt nervous and anxious with him, and not at all secure. Just talking to him for a couple of days (and NOT going out with him because he cancelled last minute haha) showed me how much I love being the girl and not being too invested in what any 1 man does or doesn’t do.

    Honestly, it also made me appreciate the steadiness of #1, who always does what he says he’s gonna do.

    I’m sooo over drama!


  159.  #159Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    @143: Daria says:
    “…i feel triggered…
    i feel annoyed by what i see as judgement of “old”
    can we bring back OLD as a feel good word…”

    I think that will be very, very difficult… for most people it’s just ingrained. Really, really ingrained. They do it and don’t give it a second thought. If you mention it you might get beat up too! LOL 😆

    “…LITTLE OLD grandmother
    whose body was big …?

    What part of her do you think was little?


  160.  #160Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:13 pm


    I’ve recently seen several older women on TV who I found very inspiring: Suzanne Somers, Jane Fonda, and I can’t think of her name, maybe Terri? She played in Love Story that came out around 1970. These three do not at ALL look their age.

    Jane Fonda was on Oprah, if I remember correctly. Oprah asked her if she gets comments about aging, and Jane said, “I tell them, hey, you don’t know what you’re missing! I’ve made all my mistakes! Now I know what life is about and I can just enjoy it to the full!”

  161.  #161Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm


    Thanks! So terrific feeling confident in who you are and what you want, huh? Sure is a new feeling for me, and I feel more and more value for myself!

    I am glad your situation became clear, and I feel confident you will end up marrying a fabulous man!

    I sure miss you on here! You taught me so much when I first joined the blog, and I still recall your words as I am thinking through things!

  162.  #162Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm


    I’d set myself a cutoff time for confirming plans and if he doesn’t call by then, I’d make other plans and keep them even if he calls late and tries to confirm. I can be a little harsh in that area, but it’s a boundary I draw for myself and it feels good to me when I stick to it.

    I once had a CD guy who was notorious for waiting last minute to confirm. One night, I decided I was gonna pour myself a glass of wine and take a hot bath if he hadn’t called by a certain time. He called about an hour after that time had passed and I told him I had made other plans. He grumbled and asked what my plans were, and I told him the truth. I then gave him a FM about how it made me feel bad when people wait too long to confirm. I swear, he started confirming days in advance after that!!!!

  163.  #163Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    SLV – she was Little while she was alive and OLD…
    after she died her body was big and swollen
    mom and I changed her clothes

  164.  #164Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Brenda – for me, one hour before date time is good to confirm

    as I understand, this date is planned for tomorrow – with a set time…

  165.  #165Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Just looked around my house, which I moved into and decorated 3 years ago, and realized it has a really masculine feel even though I haven’t lived with a man in 14 years. Probably shows that I was in boy mode 3 years ago. I’m gonna go shopping for some little knickknacks and girly it up a bit!!!!

  166.  #166Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:19 pm


    What do you think is a reasonable cut-off time?

  167.  #167Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    SLV – Susun weed Inspires me, I feel good watching her be OLD and reading and hearing her wisdom on menopause

  168.  #168Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm



  169.  #169Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    @141: Pamelala says:
    “…OK, ladies….advice?
    HunkyGuy and I have a date planned for tomorrow night…”

    IMHO, if this were a first date, I might just lean back and observe how he handles things without ANY input from me. In the meantime I’d plan a real cool evening in case things poof (not to say they will) and figure out what to wear, pick a couple choices just in case.

    Later, a feeling message about things that weren’t too good for you.

    But gee, what’s up with this last minute thing? What if you don’t want to go bungee jumping?


  170.  #170Siena on February 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Ah Bren, thank you!! I’ve missed you too!! It was actually one of your posts months back about discovering your POP that kicked me into high gear on my own POP! I read something you wrote and knew that I had to stop flitting around. As you’ve prob seen on FB, things took off like a rocket!!

    But what I learned here – that is, how to ground myself in my feminine energy – is something I’ve taken into my business with unbelievable results!!

    Anyway, lots of love! I peek in every so often to read what y’all are up to!!

  171.  #171Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I like a little more advance notice so I can get the kids fed etc. and know what time to be ready. For me about 3pm feels good, especially if the time and place haven’t been pre-set. But you have to go with what makes you feel good…

  172.  #172Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Thanks all – we don’t have a set time for our date and I don’t know where we’re going except that it’s sushi.

    I’m thinking he should let me know by 5 since I need to get ready and it takes 30 minutes to get anywhere in town. 5:00 it is.

    Ohhh boundary setting is scary.

  173.  #173Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    oh man – no time set?

    for me that means – not getting written in in Daria’s calendar –

    sure you want to see me on Friday, but so do 5 other guys

    no set time means I just follow my own schedule and get surprised by your call… if it’s convenient I’ll go, if not

    I didn’t have a set time and didn’t know what to expect so I made other plans

  174.  #174Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    and it would feel lovely to see you another time!

  175.  #175Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm


    I love that attitude…

  176.  #176Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    🙂 Daria – you are ballsy in a very beautiful and feminine way. I’m learning!

  177.  #177Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    @159: Brenda says:
    “…These three do not at ALL look their age…”

    Was that the inspiration? That they did not look their age?

    This thing is hard… It’s just there and hoping I don’t get beat up… 😆


  178.  #178Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    IntenseChemistryGuy makes me feel happy because he asks me out a week in advance and confirms a few days before and then again day of. He makes me feel heard and respected.

  179.  #179Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    @172: Daria says:
    “…I didn’t have a set time and didn’t know what to expect so I made other plans…”

    That might perk them up a bit!


  180.  #180Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    tallmidwestguy makes me feel bad because he calls last minute even after I said that makes me feel bad and then blames me for not being more available so he can get to know me….

  181.  #181Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Pamelala – im ovary 🙂

    I got it from Rori… well that’s how i understood it… no time set, then just say ok sure… and don’t wait for him

  182.  #182Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Daria to tallmidwest guy: that feels bad. I feel blamed and not so good… I feel treated second class when a man doesn’t make plans with me ahead of time… i like you and I don’t want to feel that way with you…

  183.  #183Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:35 pm


    I agree with Daria,

    I don’t wait for them either.

  184.  #184Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    I like Betty White! she’s OLD and she looks OLD and attractive

    i want to HUG her!

    If i was an OLD man I would want to live with her have sex with her (and maybe marry her – but i’m not ready for marriage 😉 )

  185.  #185Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    @162: Daria says:
    “…SLV – she was Little while she was alive and OLD…
    …mom and I changed her clothes..”

    Were you in Europe then? Here most after death body care and funeral arrangements are commercial. I was with my father when he died and that’s my last real memory of him before his body was taken away.


  186.  #186Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    @183: Daria says:
    “…I like Betty White! she’s OLD and she looks OLD and attractive…”

    I like Betty White a lot!


  187.  #187Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Lori to tallmidwestguy:

    watch how IntenseChemistryGuy does it, cuz he’s doing it the right way….

    Jusy Kidding! Feeling naughty tonight : )

  188.  #188Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    SLV – yep we were in Romania

    stuff is decidedly more ‘gritty’ in the hospitals

    i feel blessed that I had that experience

    an honor

    it felt overwhelming and numbing at the time

  189.  #189Lucy on February 10, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    gnomeo and juliet is my plan a this weekend…. but i will go to plan b if it involves a cool guy. Shannon, felt good to see you missed me. 🙂

  190.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    @173: Daria says:
    “…and it would feel lovely to see you another time!…”



  191.  #191Lori on February 10, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    I haven’t seen Betty White recently, but she had a rocking body on the Golden Girls. I heard she was originally supposed to play the Blanche part…

  192.  #192Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:41 pm


    Wow, I didn’t know that about my post on my P.O.P.! That feels good to hear! I feel so proud and happy for you in your business!

    My latest undeveloped idea is to be a foster mom…

  193.  #193Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Pamelala, My two cents…

    1) It’s not a real date until the guy tells me when and where. Until then, it’s just an offer. Kind of like “I want to marry you” without the ring and a wedding date. No dice.

    2) Rockstar it up and email him.

    Hey HunkyGuy! I feel excited about meeting you tomorrow. What’s the plan gnome? 😉

    3) Rockstar it up and decide he’s going to confirm plans and believe it. No backup plan necessary.

    I wouldn’t make a back plan. If *I* am making a plan, that’s my primary plan. The date becomes my backup. Refer to #1.

  194.  #194Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:44 pm


    RE: #170 – Thanks!

  195.  #195Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    “…i feel blessed that I had that experience…”

    Bless you. I think we all should see death and birth to get a sense of the wonder that lies between the two.


  196.  #196Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    @192: Simply Shannon says:

    “…1) It’s not a real date until the guy tells me when and where…”

    I gotta agree with that one. “Date” is date/time/place.


  197.  #197Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm


    RE: #172 – I really like that!!!

  198.  #198Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    #192 SS

    Great input…thx!

    #194 SLV

    I agree. What an amazing experience to witness someone’s first breath and someone’s last. Two of my most special memories…my son and my surrogate dad. Helps you understand that relationships are really the most important things in life.

  199.  #199Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    @192: Simply Shannon says:
    “… What’s the plan gnome?…”



  200.  #200Darling Ella on February 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    This is a song I soooo love…I often listen to it and just cry my heart out …what a relief 🙂 I love Fantasia!!!

    The Worst Part is Over~ Lyrics ~ Fantasia

    “See I’ve been to a place, called hell on earth,
    when your body’s insane, but your heart really
    burns, that kind of pain, spoil like a curse.
    [Yeah, eah]

    I was down on the ground, and the tears wouldn’t
    come, i could not make a sound, and my voice
    wouldn’t budge, with nobody around, they assumed
    I was dying [Hey, Eh]

    When I got ready to close my eyes
    Kiss my chance at love goodbye,
    Here comes hope like a ray of light
    It was you baby saying
    “Oh, you aint gotta climb this mountain alooooooone. Just take my hand, and I’ll fight for you when you can’t be strong.
    The worst part is over, the worst part is over.
    I’m here to hold ya. The worst part is over.”

    See the measure of love, ain’t when you’re up.
    Its about who sticks around, when you cant see the sun,
    And you’re proven to be, someone I can trust [Yeah, Eh]

    Cause when I got ready to close my eyes (close
    my eyes),
    Kiss my chance at love goodbye (hey),
    Here comes hope like a ray of light (hey)
    It was you baby saying “Oh, you ain’t gotta climb this mountain alone…
    Just take my hands(take my hand),
    and I’ll fight for you when you can’t be strong. (fight for you when you cant be strong)
    The worst part is over (o-over).
    The worst part is over (h’ over). I
    ‘m here to hold ya (Im hear to hold ya). The worst part is over. (Yeahhh..)”

    You’re the extra bit of faith when I’m giving up. That little boost of strength when I’m against the wall. In every way you’ve shown, you’re the definition of love, cause you let me know.

    Nooooo. You ain’t you aint gotta climb this mountain alooone.
    Just take my hand yeaaaaaaahhh, and I’ll fight for you when you can’t be strong.
    The worst part is over, the worst part is over.
    Its over, Im here to hold ya.
    Yeah Ehh yeahhh eeehh. The worst part is over.

    See I’ve been to a place, called hell on earth,
    but that part is over~~~~

  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    197: Pamelala says:
    “…Helps you understand that relationships are really the most important things in life…”

    And I know I want a guy who can get with the program. I don’t want to spend any time being sad over some guy or wondering what’s going on. I want a guy who cherishes me and never ever lets me forget it.


  202.  #202Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm


    RE: #176 – You asked, “Was that the inspiration? That they did not look their age?”

    That was partially the inspiration, but what I meant was the main inspiration was their vibrant attitudes and joy in their lives in their senior years. That’s how I want to be be.

    I really liked it the time Ryan said to me, “I believe that a woman who is well-loved will be youthful well into her older years.”

    I said back to him, “I believe a woman who is well-loved will be slender well into her older years.”

    But now I am learning contentment and fitness whether or not I have the love of a man. It is so hard for me tho.

  203.  #203Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 8:56 pm


    RE: #179 – I would say, “Oh, that feels weird to hear! It feels good to spend time with you! I just need to be able to plan in advance. What do you think?”

  204.  #204Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    i don’t see joy as youthful, thankgoodness yay!!!


    yes i have been trained learning english to call joy youthful but

    that ‘program’ doesnt really go deep in me

    i had a joyful grandfather and grandmother I have a greataunt and i never thought of them as youthful hehe

  205.  #205Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    SLV – and you deserve him.

    PoetryMan and I have a phone call scheduled for Saturday….cuz I’m SOOO busy and haven’t been able to talk this week. He just sent me an e-mail from Match saying, “I just stopped by to see your smiling face and let you know I’m thinking of you. Hope all is well in your world.”

    So sweet…I like the way he makes me feel…cared for. I am not particularly attracted to him, based on his online pics, but I’m thinking the way he makes me feel might just make up for and transform that initial impression. 🙂

  206.  #206Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    @201: Brenda

    I’m all for love and health!


  207.  #207Daria on February 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    Pamelala – one of my CD’s right now sent me a pic…

    and I didn’t even text him back for 2 days becuase i felt so shocked by him being ‘ugly’

    i gave myself space, and after 2 days finally did get back to him.

    I met him in person and — he’s ATTRACTIVE AND HANDSOME!

    geeZ! yes for opening up!!

  208.  #208Winnie on February 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm


    Be surprised : )

  209.  #209Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    @203: Daria says:
    “…i don’t see joy as youthful, thankgoodness yay!!!..”

    Yep, we all can have joy.


  210.  #210Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:01 pm


    RE: #183 – You said, “I like Betty White! she’s OLD and she looks OLD and attractive

    i want to HUG her!”

    Yes! She was a 4th one I studied recently on TV! What is she, 89? She’s amazing! I feel the same way! She is just beautiful, inside and out! I saw her recently on a talk show, maybe the Tonight Show?

    They showed her a video of herself in 1964 playing a gameshow guessing game where you guess a word based on one-word hints. She was poking fun of herself, something like, “I don’t know who THAT was! I don’t remember having that much hair!”

    I was wowed out thinking, “I was BORN that year!” 😆

  211.  #211Simply Shannon on February 10, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Daria, that feels weird to see the old references.

    I don’t want to be called old. (What am I hanging on to here?) I don’t feel old. I feel younger now in some ways than I did when I was 17.

    And when I was 17, I used to think 37 was old, but now I know better. It just seems old to everyone who is younger than 37. I imagine it’s that way for every age.

    If I’m Betty White, I’m feeling pissed right now.

    Don’t label me.

    When does one become old? The label “old” is use by someone younger/newer than me.

    Nope. I don’t feel old. How could I? I’m THIS age. This feels like the perfect age for me right now.

    Hehe. I feel amused. Just playing around with this word thing. Not liking it. I get the taking the word back thing. Am I rejecting some “old” part of me? Probably. I hereby let go of all my old parts. LOL!

    Did you know that our body is completely new every few years? My entire body remakes itself every few years. I feel pretty NEW right now. 😉

  212.  #212Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Brenda! I was born in ’64, too. 🙂

  213.  #213Darling Ella on February 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Daria #143:

    Hmm…Your post brought memories…feeling melancholic and tearful about my grandparents…their wisdom and humility…the white hair and graceful wrinkles…humble gestures, warm spirit, gentle touches…summers spent endlessly in nature with them…caring for caws and fields of crops…all of us cousins gone away from our parents for months…felt so free and accepted by nature and everyone…

    I so wish I could have offered it to my son as far…but maybe soon again 🙂

    I love your post…we should embrace our roots…age, wrinkles, wisdom and all…:)

    Warm hugs,

  214.  #214Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    My Mom is an inspiration to me, too! She’s 78, and she doesn’t look or act it! She has a witty sense of humor, and she just goes goo-goo over babies, no matter whose they are! It was about 5 years ago that she was in and out of the hospital, had unsuccessful surgery to install a pacemaker (no clear blood vessels to use).

    I had the privilege of discussing her case with a retired heart surgeon! He said, “Well, let me tell you the outlook from this point. Her (over)weight is what it is. She is too up in years to expect she will ever change her eating habits now.

    “It’s a downhill trend from here. She already has congestive heart failure, and she holds a lot of fluid. That will only increase until one day her heart just can’t keep up with it all.”

    He said a lot more than that, but that was the gist of it. I felt discouraged, and she has defied the odds!

    She lost about 70 lbs in the last year! She hasn’t been in the hospital for about 15 months! Her low blood pressure, for which she needed the pace maker, miraculously increased to normal, and I do mean MIRACULOUSLY! Her doctor had no explanation except “the Man upstairs”!

    I just do my best to provide my Mom companionship and meaningful activities and conversation to keep her enjoying life, even tho she is in a wheelchair and on oxygen!

  215.  #215Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Shannon – hehe

    I feel triggered by NEW

    new has a connotation of … inauthentic to me

    images of plastic packaging

    angels, I would like to heal this please!!

    what are new things I enjoy?

    new days and nights

    new ….


    i like the look of the word “new”

    new babies!

    new presents


    new is like anew

    is like REjuvenation

    coming from the OLD and reenergizing NEW and cycling to OLD and reenergizing to NEW

    like sleep

    brings new

    like rest

    like resurging volcano green energy up my spine

    new plant juice

    new new new

  216.  #216Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    now i feel puky reading she’s 78 and doesn’t look or act it

    i bet a 78 year old looks and acts 78


  217.  #217Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm


    RE: #188 – Yay, you’re back! How’s your computer doing? More importantly, how are YOU doing?

  218.  #218Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    my aunt is in her 80’s and she looks and acts it! she’s witty and she goes goo goo over babies like most of the OLD ladies in my family do

  219.  #219Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    ok i got a CD in 18 min and i am not dressed

  220.  #220Deb on February 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    I just have to share that I’ve discovered that craiglist is full of real HOT MEN!!! I am totally surprised!

    They loved my ad! annnd, they seem to be meeting my criteria. Before, I felt like I always had to prove myself w/ guys, and sound brainy and intelligent… but I have them falling all over me just by the *vibe* and *attitude* I sent out!

    I seem to have narrowed it down to like 5 good ones, and it looks like I have some dates for the weekend – yay!

    I’m going to be sad though because I’m leaving town in 2 weeks to do traveling for research… for 5 months… but hey, maybe that’s helping me CD with no expectations, just doing it for me 🙂

  221.  #221Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    I had a conversation with a young man tonight who is totally into “cougars who like young cock who will present me to their girlfriends.”

    He answered my CL ad, and that’s where the conversation went after I talked to him a bit.

    He “wasn’t attracted to me” because I “would never present him to my friends.”

    How true. I have so little need of an eye candy boy who wants to be the girl and have sex with me while I take care of him and show him off to my friends.

    I bet he’d want me to buy him presents and take him out, as well.


    Funny that I wasn’t attracted to that type!

  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    “…I used to think 37 was old, but now I know better..”

    I don’t know your age. Do you think you will think differently when you are twenty years older?
    Hint: “older” will still be ten years older than you are…at least that’s what I hear… LOL 😆


  223.  #223Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    What happened to tinque?

    tinque? tinque?

    I feel like I’m Peter Pan calling for Tinker Bell. 😀


  224.  #224Lucy on February 10, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Lori, where do you live? i’ll have the musicians if they don’t work out for u. 😀

  225.  #225Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:20 pm


    RE: #203 – You said, “i don’t see joy as youthful”

    My default view of aging is sad and yuck. I meant for myself, I saw a new way of looking at it. I want to be joyful about aging, and see it as a blessing and an adventure.

  226.  #226Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    here’s a video on homebirth for experiencing birth firsthand

  227.  #227Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Brenda – yeah I am practicing speaking of OLD as a wonderful thing!

    and i’m already doing pretty well with that even before today’s campaign

  228.  #228Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    There are no “old ladies” the ladyness is just “ladyness.” But there are old women. No biggie.

    OK, all rightey. One day people will kind of wonder about all those Negroes. Oh, they did! But, it got worse. Some days I just give up.

    Not important anyway.

    Maybe I was born in the wrong century. I’ll have to return and see how things are turning out.


  229.  #229Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:27 pm


    Re: #215 – You said, “now i feel puky reading she’s 78 and doesn’t look or act it

    i bet a 78 year old looks and acts 78


    I don’t understand what is puky about that. She is in a nursing home on an Alzheimer’s wing, even tho she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. She is there because of her physical limitations. I see other people her age every time I go visit her. She doesn’t look like the rest of them.

    She looks vibrant and enthusiastic about life. What is puky about that? What is puky about being young at heart?

    That is all I mean.

  230.  #230Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Daria —

    I midwifed my daughter. We didn’t do a home birth tho.

    I think the midwife and doula movement is a much-needed alternative.

    The statistical outcomes to babies are the same, whether you choose hospital or midwifery.

    It’s the outcome to the MOTHER that is so much better with midwifery — no ripping and tearing, healthier birth all around for mom.


  231.  #231Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Brenda —

    What did your mom do to lose the 70 pounds?

    I am 5 foot 8 and wear a size twelve. Usually, I weigh about 190 pounds, but right now I’m up to 200.

    Whenever I tell people how much I weigh — they say I can’t possibly, and that I don’t “look” like it.

    I always answer that maybe their dial is off. Maybe this is EXACTLY what a 200 pound woman looks like.



  232.  #232Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    I remember when I first came to the blog and a poster insisting that older women who said they were very happy must be lying because they could not possibly be happy and their lives were not worth living…something like that. They were apparently all lying. I was shocked.

    But there it was…just the usual way of thinking. And lots more. It happened more than once. Kind of distressing to have someone tell you if they were you they’d rather be dead. But still I’m glad I’m not, dead that is.


  233.  #233Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm


    RE: #227 – “One day people will kind of wonder about all those Negroes. Oh, they did! But, it got worse. Some days I just give up.”

    What do you mean?

  234.  #234Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Brenda – I felt puky reading it…

    i suppose it’s not necessary to understand how i felt

    which was triggered… I felt BAD reading that and i felt kinda sick/puky for a moment

    i felt angry because I am wanting to see OLDNESS as beautiful and joyful

    and that slapped me across that

    as if at 78 a lady exhibiting those qualities isn’t 78

    really it’s your statement (though common) that doesn’t make sense – it assumes a 78 year old doesn’t act or look a certain “good” way

    and thus judges most 78 year olds negatively

    and that triggered me and i felt angry

    im also guessing that you didn’t mean it that way

    even the phrase Young at Heart triggers me in that way

    Joyful at heart doesn’t mean young at heart to me

  235.  #235Pamelala on February 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    I saw on Rori’s coaching site that she recommends taking the Enneagram. Have any of you taken it? If so, would you be willing to share your type?

    I am a Type 4 in every way. I get an e-mail from the Enneagram Institute every night that offers tips and affirmations to help you grow to become your healthiest self.

    Tonight, my EnneaThought said, “Try this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that I use all my experiences to grow.””

    How appropriate!

  236.  #236Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    228: Brenda says:
    “…even tho she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. She is there because of her physical limitations. I see other people her age every time I go visit her. She doesn’t look like the rest of them…”

    So even though she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s she doesn’t look like the ones that do.

    IMHO, there are a lot of ways to look in every range. My mother always told me people have looks in ranges… For example from 18 to 30 y.o. there is a not a whole lot of difference in looks, etc etc etc particularly if you are looking at people out of context, in photos etc etc


  237.  #237Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Some 35 year olds who are carded (by law) take this to mean they look 17. Hell I was carded on Monday, with grey hair showing as I sat in my little motorize “scooter” at the Target store. LOL 😆


  238.  #238Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:42 pm


    RE: #230 – Wow, that’s awesome! When I wore a size 12, I was 150 – 160 lbs. I am also 5′ 8″. I was always told I “wear my weight well”.

    I admit, I’ve been gaining weight the past couple of months. It was a combination of financial stress and extreme stress over Ryan in December and into January. Both of those situations have somewhat eased, and I am finding more control over my eating again. But now I am at my top weight ever, and I feel scared.

    I did pretty good with my eating the last two days.

    My Mom started losing weight when she moved from her apartment to the nursing home last February. The dietician put her on a diet that was reasonable portions and lots of fruits and vegetables. At first she was kicking and feeling ravenous. Then as her body adjusted, her appetite naturally decreased. I am sure a big part of it was eliminating the blood sugar spike from eating stuff with sugar.

    She eats far less now and is truly satisfied. She is so encouraged by her weight loss that she guards against ever returning to her old eating habits. She said it’s not worth it. Her typical meals are about 4 oz meat, 4 oz carbohydrates, a small salad, a small serving of cooked veggies, cottage cheese, canned peaches, fresh grapes, and the like.

    I often visit her during mealtime and see her meals. Sometimes she is given a normal size dessert, like cake or pie. She gets two eggs and bacon or sausage for breakfast, and sometimes cream of wheat or oatmeal. She said she doesn’t feel deprived, and that is the key!

    The other key is the meals are prepared for her, so she doesn’t have to put any thought into it. And she has little money, since her money goes mostly to the nursing home now. So she doesn’t have much choice. But even when we go out, like we did tonight, she is so content that she eats very reasonable amounts and choices of food. I feel so proud of her!

  239.  #239Daria on February 10, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    i got triggered when the leader lady in my divine feminine group! of all places

    didn’t want to be honored as a Crone… she ‘created’ a new age called Queen

    mm ok for her I respect it

    triggered the hell out of me though… im thinking… if YOU”RE not a Crone, then who is!

    i LOVE the way Susun Weed inspires and empowers us to be Crones!

  240.  #240Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    you know… “motorized”…

  241.  #241Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I’m going to leave the “old” thing for a while. I want to concentrate on live at optimum body function.

    The optimum function is usually the same as lower chronological age.

    Has everyone here taken the “real age” test?


  242.  #242Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    RE: #233 – I guess what I am seeing in your mirror is that I am combating some negative views of aging. I feel scared about aging. I feel that when I walk through the nursing home. I see these people with blood oozing from their gums; heads bent way down low to the point where it looks like their heads are being carried on their laps; one lady mumbles and gums her sheets as she falls asleep. If anyone comes in the room, all she can say is, “Yes, yes, yes, yes!” or “No, no, no, no!” or “911, 911, 911, 911” if she doesn’t feel safe.

    I feel scared about dying too. I don’t want to die. That is my feeling message to God. God, what do you think? 😆

  243.  #243Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    “…if YOU”RE not a Crone, then who is!…”

    Words have different connotations. For example if your mother told one of your friends she was a nice Negro girl, it’s possible your friend would not enjoy that.

    Like I said…it’s hard! And when you are a crone you might have a different sense of it too, you never know… 😀


  244.  #244Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    @241: Brenda says:
    }…I feel scared about dying too. I don’t want to die…”

    Don’t worry. I’m not leaving, you can stay with me…


  245.  #245Alicia on February 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    GREAT Article!





  246.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    @237: Brenda says:
    “…RE: #230 – Wow, that’s awesome! When I wore a size 12, I was 150 – 160 lbs….”

    Me too, 160 size 12!


  247.  #247Senior Lady Vibe on February 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    @232: Brenda says:
    RE: #227 – “One day people will kind of wonder about all those Negroes. Oh, they did! But, it got worse. Some days I just give up.”
    What do you mean?”

    Word choices and how we think of people. I adjusting all the time. Doing the best I can. Sometimes I’m out there by myself, for a while.


  248.  #248Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm


    RE: #243 – Awww! Thanks! 🙂

  249.  #249Lori on February 10, 2011 at 10:15 pm



    I live in SC. Where are you?

  250.  #250Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Just spent last 20 min on phone with cute boy who’s been rowing for a while now.

    We haven’t met, but I might break down and meet him this week end. He’ll have to drive here from 2.5 hours away, but, I guess we’ll see.

    I call him cute boy — he’s 36. Just feels like a cute boy to me. LOL


  251.  #251Lisi on February 10, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Yes, I said boy

    after my rant this morning

    I am embracing the contradiction

  252.  #252Meemee on February 10, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    I decided I will not seek help from X. It might be hard. But I will not.

  253.  #253Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm


    Have you determined for sure whether or not you are pregnant?

  254.  #254Meemee on February 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Last couple of days were like a lapse. I was trying to talk to X and asking for help and support. And he behaving like a winner- yelling at me and making fun of me and calling me names etc.
    This morning I woke up and I had my aha moment. What the hell have I been doing?!!!!
    I will not call X
    Will not ask for help
    I am strong enough to deal with it

  255.  #255LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

  256.  #256LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 10:47 pm

  257.  #257LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 10:47 pm

  258.  #258LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

  259.  #259Meemee on February 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    The first test was invalid. The second showed vaguley positive. And since I am taking steroids, dr said the results may depend on that. So I am supposed to repeat the tests after 72 hours gone without steroids.

  260.  #260Jacqueline on February 10, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Wow these italics are making me dizzy!!

    Bettye White was in a Hallmark movie The Lost Valentine about 3 weeks ago – it will make you CRY, guaranteed!!!

    Kaitlyn – I LOVE what Lone Plum had to say about your work and your man…hope you post again.

    SLV – that was me you’re misquoting…what I said was that studies per Gretchen Ruebin @ the Happiness Project say that old people are happier; and that I did NOT want to get “old” and be happier looking back at my glory days. I want to age and always think the newest and best adventure is yet to come – yep, even when I’m Bettye White’s age…and I think 89 is definitely old – but then my sister’s mother in law is 99 and still uses an ab exerciser…

    I am 53 and I some would call me OLD, and some would call me a girl, and I would call myself a lady.

    But none of it matters….age is a state of mind, and from what I understand it’s a process not of aging (I don’t believe in degenerative aging) but of becomming “more so” of ourselves. If you’re young and mystical – think Daria – you’re going to be old and even more mystical….smile.

    I think there is a huge amound of discrimination around fatness, but I don’t experience any around ageism…whether or not I look my “age….” I am not being treated any differently as I age.

    Anyway, to be sure I am understood – I want for older people to never feel their best days are behind them…to feel they have life, and adventure and joy always in front of them….

    and for women, all women, to easily embrace and embody archetypes of mother, maiden, crone at their beck and call – NOT because of a number, but because that’s who you are at this moment. I know I can be any or all in the time span of a day….

    Jacqueline mystically pontificating…

  261.  #261Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:52 pm


    I see. It makes me sick how he treats you. I feel sad for you. I am glad you are going to stay away from him.

  262.  #262Jacqueline on February 10, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    And, hey everybody! blog is up and new postings…all of a sudden I met a bunch of new fascinating people, got some new downloads, books, and all sorts of stuff to write about and review. Breakup support groups, narcississtic abuse recovery, angels, enchantment and mystical South American/Brazilian soul retrieval….lots of very cool stuff and I’m grateful to have a place to introduce it all….and to be here, too.

    Congrats!! Lucy on computer….and Brenda on your listmaking abilities! they made me laugh….

    See everyone soon,

  263.  #263Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Jacqueline,

    Thanks for sharing your sage wisdom! 😆

    Did I ever tell you that boys have penises? And girls have vaginas? Did you know that boys like to stick their penises in girls’ vaginas?

    I know, I’m weird. Call me tired.

  264.  #264Jacqueline on February 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Memee….omgosh, I’m so glad you have us…and sending you love!

  265.  #265Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Thanks, Jacqueline!

  266.  #266Jacqueline on February 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Ahem,….well Brenda, no but I figured it out, after someone showed me of course….

    teee heee…it’s really the litmus test for masc/fem to me, no matter who you are on the inside.

    Sex without a boy….just would never be sex or fun for me. Yeah, a live boy toy –

    it’s only when they’re attached to feelings that it muddies the waters.

    And to think, I always felt bad about a few blow j’s that seemed to diminish my self respect!

    The list and it’s addendums totally made me feel all better.

    I’m so glad you’re experiencing your fab girly girlness now, too!

  267.  #267Meemee on February 10, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Thanks Brenda. Thanks Jaqueline.
    I was so muddled and freaked out and worried when the second result came and I went to him for help. I should not have done that. But in that moment of vulnerability I did it. I saw once agian what he is and what he is capable of.
    It made me sad and shocked me. But it was not a surprise. I lost my last bit of respect for him as a human 🙁 🙁
    But this is not about him. It is about me and me alone.

    Thanks ladies.


  268.  #268Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:10 pm


    You’re welcome. Right on.

    And again the quote I gave earlier proves true:

    “You don’t know what is until you know what ain’t.”

    Baby steps…you are growing. Your life will get better and better! Celebrate Meemee!

  269.  #269Meemee on February 10, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    🙂 🙂

  270.  #270LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 11:24 pm

  271.  #271LonePlum on February 10, 2011 at 11:28 pm

  272.  #272Jacqueline on February 10, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    ps Brenda…thank you for the hearts! and words of encouragement….

    I was thinking of Valentine’s and you before I even read the older post!

    So….for you I would wish….

    red roses with stargazer lillies, a glass of sparkling champagne with orange juice…just one….or sparkling water, and a toast, to new life, to joy, to moving forward and to believing in yourself, and in change….

    and of course, a 5 carat total diamond bracelet for your left hand.

    Still, how about the smell of your dogs fur, the look of adoration in their eyes, the joy of having your mother with you, the gift of friends and the toast can all be yours, so…..


    Happy Day to everyone…and night, too….


  273.  #273Brenda on February 10, 2011 at 11:32 pm


    Wow, that was super sweet! Thank you so much! I feel all kinds of warm fuzzies! You sure have a way with words!

    Yes, I bury my nose in their fur at least once a day! And cuddle with them every night!

    At the moment, all I am wishing myself is a nice, red Halls triple soothing action cough drop! 😆

  274.  #274Violet on February 11, 2011 at 12:10 am

    After reading comments in this forum; I realize that I’ve been in boy mode.

    I give myself kudos for leaning back and not taking the iniative re… Valentine’s Day weekend. ‘W’ said that he would call and he did.

    He suggested several things we could do for Friday night. My sense was that ‘W’ wanted to do something, but didn’t know what.

    Instead of leaning back or asking him what he’d like to do, I went into boy mode. I said, “Hey, how ’bout if I make Meatloaf?” See… I had invited him and his children over for Meatloaf before, but the weather got to be too nasty. He asked about me making a pie (I’m not very good at this).

    Now that I think about it, I realize that I hadn’t given him opportunity to provide definite plans. I figured he didn’t have definite ideas on what to do, so I provided suggestions.

    From what I’ve read, this is ‘being the boy’.

    I’m not completely sure, but I ‘think’ I was in girl mode about inviting him to church on Sunday.

    He had already introduced me to his family. This was my way of introducing him to my ‘spiritual’ family. I also said that I wouldn’t feel bad if he decided not to go.

    He didn’t seem to mind when I did this. Though, now I’m wondering if I did the right thing. As I said, it seemed as though I was in total ‘boy mode.’

    I did tell him things I wanted from him and used all sorts of feeling messages during our conversation.

    Now… I don’t want to get myself into the position of doing all the work in this relationship. I feel as if I’ve had to use Masuculine Energy to get what I want.

    I realize that It takes practice, practice, practice to be ‘the girl.’ I’m defintely not used to it, however, I know it’s time to change. I’m SO flippin’ tired of doing ALL the work!

    I didn’t realize there was a different way until I read Rori’s blogs.

    Well… It’s time for me to hit the bricks. I’d be obliged for feedback on my comments. Sometimes, I feel like an outsider when I don’t get a response to my post.

    It’s like everyone knows everyone else, but me. I feel ‘unimportant’, ‘overlooked’, etc… Like I almost have to beg for feedback. I’ve asked for feedback numerous times. I feel like, ‘why should I have to ask numerous time!?

    Am I overreacting!? Why am I making it SO important that someone provide feedback!?

    I want to feel like someone cares about me (for a change). I feel tired of doing all the giving and getting little or nothing in return. Are my comments less valid than others who have been here for a while!?

    Am I being ‘too much!?’ Maybe I expect too much and need to find out why. Maybe I shouldn’t impose myself on others. After all, everyone is on their own path.

    Well… thanks for reading. I’m ‘kinda’ sorry for going overboard (if I did). Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

  275.  #275Daria on February 11, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Aww Violet, I feel touched… Ive felt that unimportant feeling here… I look at it as I must have my own answers… And… You do! I feel happy to see you embracing change… And you’ve got some really strong honest real feeling messages.. Great job… And great job noticing your patterns…

    I’d give myself a hug and tell myself I am loved, by the most important person, me. Really take the time to visualize this being said to myself and visualizing the hug.

    And physically doing it – tho right now I feel so tired it feels more comfy to lay here

  276.  #276Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Hi Sirens

    I really don’t ‘get’ this post of Rori’s at all. I’ve read it several times, and I do not understand it – is she asking us to try on boy-mode? When many of us are trying to unlearn boy-mode in relationships (even though we use it for work, for business, even for getting ourselves online, or getting ourselves to a date etc).

    I do not want to try on boy-mode. Just don’t. I do enough in boy-mode, both deliberately and accidentally. What I need practice at is more being in feminine mode!

    Or have I completely missed the point here?

  277.  #277Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 1:34 am

    why is everything in italics? ! ? !

  278.  #278LonePlum on February 11, 2011 at 1:57 am

    276 Lorelei

    coz it’s about leaning forward 🙂


  279.  #279Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Violet @ 273

    Welcome!! I”m sad to hear you feel overlooked on here. But most people, I guess, have had experiences of having comments apparently overlooked or ignored, at some point. But sometimes the traffic is so busy that we can hardly keep up!

    When it happens to me, I remind myself that, with the best will in the world, cyberspace is pretty random and unpredictable!! That no-one on here is obliged to comment, or being paid to comment, no-one on here has all the time in the world, and sometimes posts just get lost in the blizzard of voices and new threads.

    I have some very big triggers around feeling unheard, and not being able to make my voice heard myself – I know how angry I can feel when I am not heard. But if this is triggering you, the blog is a trigger to point you to situations off-blog, either in the present or in the past, where you are not heard . . . . or taken seriously . . . or respected.

    Welcome again, and I look forward to hearing more from you . . if necessary, re-post your comments! We want to hear you!

  280.  #280Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 2:03 am

    LP @ 277

    Really? Ah, I see, emphatic! Hahahah!

  281.  #281LonePlum on February 11, 2011 at 2:10 am

    279 Lorelei

    I was kidding about the boy energy font
    In fact it is a poster who violated the page codes.

    But no worry, Rori will use her lean back tool, one more time 🙂



  282.  #282Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 2:33 am

    LP @ 280

    I half-guessed you were kidding – but it works quite well on a thread about being a boy!!

    Yes, the font will ‘lean back’ again soon!

  283.  #283Lorelei on February 11, 2011 at 2:48 am

    281 – Hi Knocksoftly

    I am at a similar place as regards my Ex (soon-to-be-Ex-husband) and I feel thrilled that the anger is kicking in for you. It is very painful, scary getting a toxic man out from under our skins.

    But when the anger kicks in, it is a brilliant sign that our life energy (good energy of self-respect, boundaries, love of self, self-preservation) is waking up and reasserting itself.

    Have you done RR’s Toxic Man programme? It is very good . . and while I don’t want to put words in Rori’s mouth, the programme is stuffed full of examples of calling clueless toxic men on their BS, seeing if they can respond and change, and Rori and her guest speakers give LOTS of examples of when to call it a day, and give up on hurting ourselves in truly, non-changeable toxic relationships, and then noticing red flags and avoiding similar in the future.

    The whole Toxic Men programme is pretty emphatic about letting them go and letting go, when nothing changes, after a reasonable time. No contact is not a “Rori” concept, but in my (boy) opinion, sometimes it is the only way to protect ourselves, in the case of men who cannot hear feeling messages or respond to them (it seems to be Rori’s preferred option, that we go on using feeling messages and staying open to men until they vanish from our lives).

    Your anger is your friend.

  284.  #284Ella on February 11, 2011 at 3:04 am


    Hey I am really ready to start my week of e-mails.

    Please would you re-post the link so I can pay you.

    The thing is I think I do have a pay pal account, probably, but I have not used it for years and cannot even remember how.



  285.  #285Ella on February 11, 2011 at 3:06 am


    The first thing I would like to discuss is the text situ with Mr B.

    You said it looked blameful to you.

    I did feel a bit blamey when I wrote it.

    And now I feel guilty like I have chased him off.

    But I also still feel the way I felt, which is kinda rageful that he was going on about ‘us’ and wasn’t really acknowledging that I had an op or asking how I was.

    And I tried to express this in feelings, wants and don’t wants.

    What do you think?

  286.  #286Ella on February 11, 2011 at 3:18 am

    Ok, have found my pay pal account so that is all good.


  287.  #287Ella on February 11, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Sirens please can I get some more opinions on post 61…

    I feel confused.

    Did I go off the deep end?

    I just felt enraged that he was talking to me about ‘us’ instead of asking how the op went….

  288.  #288LonePlum on February 11, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Violet 273

    ***I feel tired of doing all the giving and getting little or nothing in return.***
    I counted 13 answers to you where you first posted
    If you don’t show you gratitude to a man, he feels he is a failure. He stops giving and looks for the woman who shows he is making her happy.

    Giving to get something back is not giving. It is investment.
    And not getting your investment back does make you resentful.
    Stop the boy mode, lean back and let the men invest in you. And then, be grateful.

    This post is only the first one on this thread and you already assume it won’t be answered
    Assuming a man won’t give you attention, won’t make him focus on your needs but on your attitude.
    And it will get you back the same negative attitude
    Demanding won’t get you a man’s attention.

    ***I feel ‘unimportant’, ‘overlooked’, ***
    May be you are overlooking sirens’ attention towards you?
    May be their 13 answers to you are unimportant to you?

    ***It’s like everyone knows everyone else, but me***
    ***Are my comments less valid than others who have been here for a while!?***
    Jealousy is minding others’ business. And it is very unattractive.
    What counts is the connection between you and the man. As soon as you become attractive to him, you get all his attention, no matter how well or how long he’s known the others.
    Complaining and comparing to others will make him run.

    I agree with you about being in boy mode when you made the plans for valentine’s day.
    On top of it you will be working for the date, not him. You will be offering him your cooking, and he will receive your effort. It is the way around.

    I don’t agree about inviting him to church.
    You are the receiver of love.
    You let a man step into your world and you let him visit it at his own space.
    You open your door and let him step in when he wants and how far in he wants.
    You don’t pull him in.
    You can close the door when he does things you don’t want
    But you should not grab him to shove him into your cage.
    I would speak about my faith, but i would give him space to grow the feeling he wants to share my church with me.

    ***I did tell him things I wanted from him and used all sorts of feeling messages during our conversation.***
    Feeling messages  are not made to get anything from a man.
    They are made to make you feel lined with yourself, and to allow him to know who you are. It opens his heart to you.
    Then, what he will do is up to him.
    He might not do what you want but still he might surprise by doing something even better.
    Don’t block the situation by imposing your will on him.
    Allow him to blow some life into it.
    If he does not, then he is not really into you. Keep Cdating.


  289.  #289LonePlum on February 11, 2011 at 4:06 am

    Ella 61 +287

    ***I am feeling really sensitive and emotional right now and just want a big strong man to take care of me…***
    Yes, I know the feeling, but why would you text Mr B when you need a strong man?


  290.  #290Lori on February 11, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Hey quick question:

    If a CD man asks me (without me offering) if I’ll cook for him because several people he’s met while out with me have told him I’m a good cook, it wouldn’t be leaning forward to say yes and cook for him would it?

  291.  #291Lori on February 11, 2011 at 5:18 am


    I just wanted to say I really like your “tell it like it is” attitude. So many times I feel compelled to just say the “nice” thing when a siren is hurting, when deep down I feel what she really needs is a wake up call (or a kick in the pants) so she can see the truth and really heal, (which I sometimes need as well) so I just don’t post anything at all. I feel grateful that there are sirens like you (and Daria and SLV and a few others) who have the courage to tell the truth, even if it isn’t always what we want to hear.

  292.  #292Leo on February 11, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Hey Lori,
    no, I wouldnt think of this as leaning forward.

    Leaning forward to me means doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, …, unasked!
    Leaning forward is giving advice or opinions…. unasked. But if he really wants to know, we may tell him.

    How about telling him something like… “It would feel fun to me cooking together with you”.
    Then you are clearly not doing anything “for” him. So no leaning forward.
    What do you think?

  293.  #293Ella on February 11, 2011 at 5:31 am


    Thanks for reply.

    I didn’t text him… he has been texting me.
    I have been responding.


  294.  #294Ella on February 11, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Oh, and plus not many big strong men in my rotation right now…

    Mr B not all bad. Sometimes he very step up…

    But often not.

  295.  #295Ella on February 11, 2011 at 5:35 am


    I am happy to have wake up call / ass kick approach if needed.

    And nice approach too.

    Just honestly whatever Sirens think/feel is always good.


  296.  #296Lori on February 11, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Thanks Leo,

    Now if he’d offer to do the dishes after I cooked, THAT would feel amazing!

  297.  #297Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Some Info from an article

    Why “The Serious Talk” Is The Fastest Way To Kill Attraction

    Let’s step back for a moment and imagine that you are dating a guy whom you don’t really like all that much, or don’t think he is the one. You are having fun on your dates, but you are not exactly sure you have that deep-level connection that would make you want to spend the rest of your life with him; and definitely at this point you are not even sure if this is the man you want to have a serious relationship with.

    You may have gone out of a few dates, but you are still getting to know him. You may have gone out on lots of dates, and even have known each other for a long period of time, but there is something you just can’t put your finger on; there is something missing, but you don’t know what it is. And at the most uncomfortable moment this man brings up a “serious talk” and tells you he is in love with you and wants a serious relationship. You start feeling very uncomfortable because if you just spit it out – give him the truth – you might as well get up and leave because unless you do, the rest of your dinner is going to really suck in the uncomfortable silence.
    How can you tell someone you don’t exactly FEEL he is the one when you are already sitting at a dinner table (waiting to actually ENJOY it)?

    This is what a man feels like when you do this to him.

    The Right Way to Have a Serious Talk

    There is one and only RIGHT WAY to have a serious talk – and this is when THE MAN YOU LOVE tells you he wants a serious relationship and commitment with YOU!

    And there is no other way around it!

    When a man wants commitment with the woman he is with, here is how the “serious talk” occurs:

    Your man brings up on his own initiative the conversation about being COMMITTED (DO NOT CONFUSE WITH “EXCLUSIVE”)

    See, commitment means that your man wants to get to know you better with the purpose to “test” if you are compatible enough for a life-long commitment.

    When a man tells you he wants to have a serious relationship with you with the potential to see if you are fit for marriage, he makes it VERY CLEAR rather than innuendos. He will tell you something like “I want a life with you” or “I want to take our relationship to the next level”. And at that time, if you are not clear on what “serious relationship” means to him, ask! Ask him, what do you mean by that and what does a “serious relationship” mean to you? Then you can discuss the details of what that means – where it is sexual exclusivity, dating exclusivity, etc.

    When a man gives you real commitment, there are certain “terms” that have to be discussed. Obviously, if you are in a committed relationship, you are sexually exclusive BUT there are other “terms” that are to be discussed. The terms of your relationship that should not be assumed, and should be discussed are:

    How often do we see each other? Often we have very different timelines of how often you should see each other. Some people want to move in together right away, some people are ok with seeing each other every week (on a weekend).

    Some people think they can have a long-lasting committed relationship when they are in a long distance relationship and see each other once a year, and for some a relationship does not exist unless you see each other most of the time.

    These are the things that have to absolutely be discussed. I’ll give you an example. One guy I had a relationship with offered that I move in with him (he lived about one hour drive from me). After consideration I decided that my life would have been considerably impacted and constrained as I had very significant ties to the area where I lived, and I told him that would not work. But because our relationship continued nevertheless he told me that he could not see this relationship last if we only saw each other once a week. To me I could totally see myself in a relationship where we’d have regular contact by phone and saw each other on weekends, but that was not in any way his idea of a committed relationship, and eventually we grew apart.


    Usually when a man proposes commitment this means he sees his girlfriend as a future wife and plans on getting married at some point. Men have different ideas as to how soon they should get married after declaring themselves in a committed relationship. Some men have other commitments, such as graduating from college, getting a job, settling at a new job, etc. Other men base their decision to propose solely on the fact that they know their spouses-to-be well enough to know this is the right woman. Some men think they know their girlfriends well enough after three months; some think they should get to know each other for at least a year before getting engaged. You should be very clear about your guy’s idea of the timelines.

    If your timeline is different from his, this could be a problem and needs to be discussed up-front, otherwise it may cause frustration and disappoint-ment later on when one’s timeline is not met by the other.


    When you are about to merge lives, the money issues should be discussed as well. Do you plan on being a stay-home mom or are you planning on working on your career until both of you can afford to buy a house? Is your money his money and vice versa or is his money your family’s sole budged?

    Don’t get married unless you have a clear idea of how money-compatible you two are. If your man has not brought up the three topics above, he is not really thinking COMMITMENT at this point. What should you do?

    How To Make The Man You Love Want a Commitment With YOU!

    See, in order for a man to want a commitment it must be his idea! If you have trouble getting REAL commitment from men, and keep dating men who refuse to give you commitment, it is not because most men are commitment phobics. You may be thinking that since every man you meet turns out to refuse making a commitment in the end, this is because there aren’t any good men left. This can’t be farther from the truth!

    Men want to be loved, and they appreciate a serious loving committed relationship with the right woman. But the reason men are often afraid to commit is because MEN ARE AFRAID TO MAKE A MISTAKE! They want to be absolutely sure without a shadow of the doubt that the woman they are with is the one, the only, and the best they could possibly get!

    And if you have not been able to get a real, lasting commitment from a man this is not because there is something wrong with you! This simply means that when you are trying to show him that you are the one for him, you are not using the right tools to do so!

  298.  #298Lori on February 11, 2011 at 5:50 am

    OK Ella,

    Here goes (deep breath)

    You said yourself earlier that if one of your girlfriends described Mr. B to you, you would tell them he is not a good guy for them and they could do better. Why do you not feel YOU deserve better then? I don’t even know you aside from your posting on here, and I feel you deserve WAY better. This is not a strong man, so if a strong man is what you want, he’s going to disappoint you over and over again.

    You say he’s not “all bad”. That feels like settling to me. I just think you should keep CDing until you find a man who has so little bad you can hardly find it at all when you’re looking for it. I know it’s hard, especially when you feel lonely or your CD guys don’t look all that attractive. Trust me, I’ve been there more times than I can count the past 2 years. But the longer you CD and use the tools, the better the men become and the stronger you become.

    If you knew without uncertainty that your dream man was right around the corner and ready to offer you everything you want and need, would you be considering Mr. B right now? That’s how I always try to look at it when I’m seeing a “not all bad” guy. It keeps me from investing too much of myself into a man who doesn’t deserve me and can’t give me what I need and want.

  299.  #299Ella on February 11, 2011 at 6:06 am


    Re 126,

    Yes, that all rings v true.

    I am over emotional right now and brain is all fuzzed up with drugs (pain killers).

    However I will not turn phone off as there are too many other friends and people I do want to hear from!

    I will take it to hear though not to make any important decisions or get dragged into seeing anyone or discussing relationships etc..

    Just make it about recovering aure and healing from op for next few weeks.

    Ohh, having said that I do want to think generally about the future and do Daria’s week of e-mails.


  300.  #300Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 6:08 am

    Lori, Just jumping on for a few minutes and saw your post to Lucy re: SC. ME TOO! Hmm… are you on Facebook? Maybe we could meet!!

  301.  #301Ella on February 11, 2011 at 6:15 am


    Thank you honni!

    Yes totally this is what I want and need to do.

    I plan to continue CD-ing and using Rori’s tools.
    And you know what I do sometimes have that thought/vision if my perfect man being just round the corner and it totally helps me feel stronger… and feels nice.

    Feels great to visualize him and how it will feel to be with him!

    On the other hand I sometimes doubt it (NV).

    Regarding Mr B, he is one of the men who is around now… I am not in a relationship with Mr B and have said this to him.

    Although I am not sure what he believes about this.

    I am still in contact though.

    Don’t want to do NC… feels too harsh.

    But it is tricky cus it means I still feel stuff when he contacts me and still treat him like any other man. Ie: if his behaviour makes me feel a certain way I tell him.

    So it is like a gap… between what makes me feel good and what he is able to offer.

    And bc I won’t accept crumbs I find myself reacting in anger and sadness sometimes to what he offers me.

    But I just try to express that in FM and carry on without expecation.

    Although it can also be tricky not to have expectations.

    So I guess I am still learning stuff from this situation!

    Lori thanks for helping me explore this.


  302.  #302Lori on February 11, 2011 at 6:25 am


    I just KNEW you were in a similar area from your language. Yes, I’m on FB! How can we get in contact without giving out personal info on here?

  303.  #303SummerBaby on February 11, 2011 at 6:33 am


    I created an email address per SLVs advice for initially contacting people on the blog. That way you have a filter for who you want to let through.

    You can do that too… gmail or yahoo.


  304.  #304Ella on February 11, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Owww, I feel sick.

    And needy.


  305.  #305Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 6:48 am

    RE 304 Ella From what you are saying you might be in emotional hijack by your brain – amygdyla. This I learnt from the Emotional Intelligence book.

  306.  #306Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 6:54 am

    276: Lorelei says:
    why is everything in italics? ! ? !

    Mea maxima culpa 😳


  307.  #307Darling Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:10 am


    Gosh, I have a few minutes but somehow u story translates to me…:(

    It did not occur to me till about a year ago, when a close gf really got to me (she would lie continuously, cancel on me the last minute, ignore me)…at a point of being depressed for days…yet, I was exhausted ab not knowing how to approach her…

    A friend of mine referred to me a coach friend of his…I presented my story to her (over the phone) and she walked me through it (gave her some background)…I don’t know how it came about…but she made an awesome observation to me…that somehow i was attracted to issues/people nobody else would want to deal with…

    I stood back and…it was true…that’s how my gf and i became friends…i stoop up for her through her crisis and was her confidant of very private matters…i walked her through it…

    And then, i thought about it…all the men i chose to be with…had something weird about them…everyone close to me would look at me and ask “what’s wrong with u? can’t u find better? why do u punish yourself?”

    Going back to my childhood, I recall the little girl standing by those who needed a voice, a protector…Does this sound familiar to you Ella?

    As I type this, I realize this is something i want to explore further…and i hopefully will today…:)

    Warm hugs,

    I have to run though…

  308.  #308Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 7:11 am

    @277: LonePlum says:
    “coz it’s about leaning forward
    lol xxx …”

    tee hee 😀


  309.  #309Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:15 am


    Please could you explain a bit more about emotional hyjack from brain?


  310.  #310Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:20 am


    Yes, absolutely.

    This IS a pattern for me. And something I have done work on in the past.

    I realise these type of people are not the best ones for a romantic relationship.

    And this is what I am trying to move forward from… babysteps.

    However I still see people as people… even the ones with issues.

    In fact through RR I am becoming less judgemental.

    But the next lesson is learning how this people are simply not a good fit for the relationship I want.

    As I said babysteps.

    I would love to explore this with you further when you have some time.



  311.  #311Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Ok positive things I am going to do with my recovery time.

    I have asked my mum to get me a nice new book to write in.

    I am going to write all about my future and what I want that to look like including the relationship I want.

    I will use it as my workbook for RR and CD-ing. Write everything I learn and how the different CDs make me feel.

    I am also going to practically plan my future too.

    Ie: make a plan for what I want to do with work ect…

    And exercise.

    I want to commit to going pole dancing once per week and also once per week doing Zumba.

    And I will do all the at home and paperwork tasks that I never normally have time to do.

  312.  #312Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Sirens pls tell me cus my brain not working properly today.

    I have been in text contact today with Mr B.

    He text earlier asking how I was feeling today.

    Guess he learnt what I wanted from texts yesterday.

    Anyway after a few texts back and forth and I said I felt curious and asked why he doesn’t put ‘x’s on his texts to me anymore. I wondered if he felt angry towards me. He said it was not a reflection of how he felt he just wasn’t sure where we were with things and so felt funny putting ‘x’s.

    Then he sent me 3 ‘x’s.

    The last text was me replying to him.

    But now I want to ask him to keep texting/talking to me today bc I feel vulnerable/lonely.

    I think he might be working too.

    Is this leaning forward?

    Just tell me the truth.

    I won’t do it till I hear back from someone.
    You are my brains today! Lol.

    Thanks. xoxoxox

  313.  #313Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 7:35 am

    @273: Violet
    “…It’s like everyone knows everyone else, but me. I feel ‘unimportant’, ‘overlooked’, etc… Like I almost have to beg for feedback. I’ve asked for feedback numerous times. I feel like, ‘why should I have to ask numerous time!? …”

    You are important. Which posts do you mean? There are a lot of threads on the blog and many posts in each. If your post was missed, could you tell us where it is?

    Posts numbers 900, 950 and 999

    Sometimes the post numbers change a little bit when moderated posts are returned to the forum but your post will be close by —

    I don’t respond if I don’t believe I have something to share but I do respond to many posts. It’s often difficult to tell if a post has not had responses.

    Help us out. 😀 In the future I’ll look for “Violet.” Hugs.


  314.  #314Daria on February 11, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Ella I just woke up Feelin groggy an bewildered and happy…

    Cluck on my name to go to my blog and click on the big Donate to the Goddess pic at the top to paypal me…

    Also send me an email – it will show u my email it’s

  315.  #315Ella on February 11, 2011 at 7:37 am


    Thinking about it now and remember Loneplum asking me why I am expecting Mr B to be able to be my big strong man…

    Hmmm, yes you are right.

    Don’t know why I am thinking of that. 🙁

    Guess I am just using whatever men I have around right now.

    Practice and getting my needs met.


  316.  #316Lori on February 11, 2011 at 7:38 am


    yes that’s leaning forward to ask a man to behave in a certain way….

  317.  #317Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Suffering from guilt…so going to put some hot chocolate mix into my coffee.

    Also, I now have to tell the Valentine weekend couples that I am not babysitting tomorrow.

    I wish I had a sweetie here to take care of me…


  318.  #318Daria on February 11, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Lori – yes! It would be overfunctioning! Don’t cook for hi
    ! Let him cook for you!

    I just giggle and say.. Hmm maybe when I’m married…

  319.  #319Leo on February 11, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Hi Ella 312,
    Hope you will be doing better soon!

    Its great that he asked you how you feel today. Enjoy the fact that he did!

    I dont think man often think about such little things as those “xxx’s”. In this case he did, it felt weird to him so he stopped. But most of the times, its nothing (my experience).

    Well…you wanting him to text with you is initiating, is leaning forward.
    You thinking that he might be working is thinking and thinking of/about him and is not good either 😀

    If you would have asked something like “should I send him a text saying how I enjoyed texting with him and how it made me feel good” I would have told you that if you really felt that way, you should do it.
    But as you phrased it… its leaning forward “you want him to do something”.

    So rather tell him next time he texts how you enjoy this, than you texting him now, and him telling you that is at work and doesnt have time (= getting rejected which doesnt feel good).

    Thats how I handle those situations.
    If he texts me – i enjoy it and am happy. If he doesnt, I at least didnt get rejected which feels even worse to me (even though its a plausible reason, it still doesnt feel good).

    What do you think?

  320.  #320Lori on February 11, 2011 at 7:50 am

    wow Daria,

    That is a tough one for me because I truly feel happy when I cook. I enjoy doing it and would even go as far as to say it’s therapy for me. But I don’t ever offer to cook for a man and I kind of felt flattered when he asked me if I’d cook for him.

    So how about if a man ASKS if you rub his head because he has a headache? Do you say no or do it? Is it overfunctioning? Even if normally he’s the one that rubs your feet when you’re tired?

    This is an area I feel confused in. I’ve got the lean back and not offering part (mostly) down, but I never know what to do when a man asks me to do something for him.

  321.  #321life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 7:58 am

    hi Ladies,
    Can somebody tell me if my Happy Valentine’s post with the lyrics to “Miracles” ever came through? It was awaiting moderation.

    Anyway, if it didn’t come through, here’s wishing us all Happy Valentines!

    We give each other such pleasure, delight, love and laughs, support and joy!

    A wonder to behold! I am grateful!


  322.  #322life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 7:59 am

    It was around #46

  323.  #323Daria on February 11, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Lori – if he asks me to rub his head and he usually rubs my feet id love to.

    If he asks me to cook for him – I love cooking and I cook for myself daily – I don’t in a dating situation.., unless he’s taken me out to eat many times like 10 and it feels like giving back…

    Men can see me cook for myself and get a plate if they’re around.,,

    But I don’t cook, make them posters for their biz, do their laundry, or otherwise use my talents toward impressing them

  324.  #324Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:00 am

    If he cooks for me regularly then yes I will cook for him.

    But for a man to ask me – and most do – ha! Were not married buddy! Can u imagine me cooking for all my CDs?? I’d have to open a small restaurant.

  325.  #325Pamelala on February 11, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Hi Ella,

    You asked for feedback re: your text convo with B.

    Honestly, the way I interpretted this was that he was trying to be sweet, but by having expectations and focusing on the negative, your actions caused it to turn ugly.

    You said **Well Mr B sent me some really nice texts b4 op.** How did that make you feel? Did you let him know that?

    **and then the sent me a text after op saying ‘hope it went ok. I am feeling positive’**
    To me, this first sentence is focused on you. Basically, he is asking how it went, just in a different form. Not formulated as a question…maybe his communication skills are not stellar.

    **Bearing in mind he had not spoken to me or had any contact since the op and therefore had no idea how it went. **
    That is obvious in his statement, “Hope it went ok.”

    **I text back that I was feeling tired, sore and woozy and then asked him why he felt positive.**
    OK…that’s fair, but it would have been good to tell him how the surgery went, too.

    **His reply was that all he can think about is me and him and how it is gonna work.**
    RR says to take what they give us. He was thinking about your relationship. In all fairness, you’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the relationship as well. I’d be interested in seeing how he worded this text to get a real feel for what he meant by “how it is gonna work.” I’m not sure if he means “how it IS gonna work” or “HOW it is gonna work.”

    **Well I just felt angry and turned off so I told him that. **
    Yup, you have feelings about him having thoughts. But at the same time, you had expectations or desires that he SHOULD/WOULD step up and care for you and want to wrap his arms around you. I wonder if those expectations didn’t color your response to his texts. He has already shown you that he can’t be the man you want him to be. So, expecting him to be that strong man is just going to set you up to be angry.

    I understand that there are other way to interpret what happened, but as I read, that’s how I saw it. I think he was probably doing the best he could and was being honest. The fact that it wasn’t enough for you is just another sign that he’s not the guy for you.

    In Commitment Blueprint, Rori says that when a guy brings you something you don’t want, you simply turn around and say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

    So, a simple, “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I am feeling terrible because of the surgery. I want a man who will focus on me and take care of me while I recover. What do you think?” Might have gone a long way toward changing the vibe of the conversation and might even have prompted him to come care for you. But maybe not.

    Anyway, that’s how I saw it. My heart feels sad that you are recognizing, yet again, that he isn’t the man you deserve. That is painful. I hope you find some time today to just rest and heal and let your mum care for you. I love the idea of the new journal.

    Blessings to you, Ella.

  326.  #326Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 8:03 am


    I’m reminded of Rori’s story about him asking us to make a sandwich.

    I feel uncertain of the exact details. I’ll tell as I remember it and hopefully someone else will clarify if I’m missing anything.

    Basically Rori says if a guy asks us to make him a sandwich, and we feel good about doing it, then it’s okay because he’s directing, leading.

    If we offer to make a sandwich when he hasn’t asked, that is leaning forward/overfunctioning.

    Does that help?

  327.  #327Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Ella, question for you… are you just feeling lonely and want contact? Or does it specifically have to be Mr. B? If you’re just lonely, I’d reach out to a friend. And if it’s the other, when you know he’s crossed a boundary, I’d probably want to sit with that discomfort.

    I just had the image of an addict come up that just wants to know the “product” is around even when he doesn’t really want it. (I know the addict imagery is personal but that is literally what popped in my head.)

    Oh my… you’re checking the traps! 🙂

    Still there? [nudge the trap]


  328.  #328life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Yes, I still have a lot to learn about leaning back !

    I still do too much, sometimes I feel this need to impress and compete, to make myself stand out among others he may be comparing me to…

    but mostly because i have been heavily conditioned to “serve” the man, as the woman…my father has yet to take a dish from the table to the sink…!!

    but then it actually doesn’t feel good doing this for someone you are dating, because it doesn’t keep the right “tension” ….and i don’t mean tension in a stressful kind of way…i mean keeping things off-balance so that they don’t get too comfortable with the status quo and feel no motivation to chase and win anymore….nope, can’t have that….

    back to the drawing board 🙂

  329.  #329Tmizz on February 11, 2011 at 8:09 am

    re FW #9: It worked out well for 30 years, because she managed to find a man who hated being a man and was willing to take it. My dad’s great, but I don’t really understand their relationship. It was weird and painful to grow up in that environment.

  330.  #330Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:13 am


    “Can u imagine me cooking for all my CDs?? I’d have to open a small restaurant.”

    OMG I’m ROFLMAO!!!!!

  331.  #331life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:13 am

    I feel manipulated when my CD asks me to front him some cash for some takeout that mostly he is going to eat, saying he’ll give it back to me, and then asks me later if I want the money back. What the f**k am I supposed to say? It’s like his roundabout way of getting me to buy dinner, or evening up the score. Am i being too picky? It seems there is a bit of a cheapness factor, because while the income is not so very high, he’s not poor. Suggestions, please, anyone ? I am having a hard time with this. Thank you

  332.  #332Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    RE 329 Hmmmmmmm interesting.

    I was just talking to two guys in the office about Valentine’s Day. One is still married after 20+ years the other separated. Both shared that they hate valentine’s day because they have to spend money and they get nothing. We talked about doing something that does not involve spending money for the married one: quality time, cooking and dancing.

    The separated one said he is not doing anything because then that makes it official and he does not want to create that impression. However, he has something on Sunday night. A lady friend asked what are you doing and offered to take him out Sunday for dinner. His thought “it’s not Monday, that’s what you want to do fine”. So she is taking him out and buying dinnner and in his words is going along for the ride “it’s not Monday”. A great lesson to me, “I will never invite or suggest anything to any guy about Valentine’s Day”.

  333.  #333Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Lori, You can click on my name for this post and it will take you to my Blogger site. I’ve got my email on there. Let me know once you have it so I can turn it off. Thanks! Shannon

  334.  #334Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Life – ew! OMG! No! No no!

    Please, I beg you laying at your feet and holding on to your ankles say No!

    No. I don’t feel comfortable with this. I noticed I feel bad giving money to a guy even for small things. I feel unfeminine and I don’t want to be asked for it by a man.

  335.  #335Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

    I’m like the incognito burrito.

    Call me Spy Girl.

    Queue the Mission Impossible music…

  336.  #336Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Done Shannon!

  337.  #337Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Ok mire phrasing…

    Wow… I notice I’m feeling really uncomfortable being asked that. I don’t feel good paying with a man. I don’t want a man who’s not consistently generous. And yea, I would like the money back… I feel weird being asked that

    That behaviour would trigger me bigtime if I didn’t speak

  338.  #338Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:21 am


    I had a CD guy who was in terrible financial straits to the point he was severely depressed over it. He would make statements I felt were hinting for me to give him money like he didn’t know how he was going to eat that night or so. I felt manipulated, so I would just say “oh I feel so bad that you’re going through this tough time. I hope things get better for you soon.”

    Funny, he always seemed to find the money to eat somewhere. And not ramen noodles or McDonald’s either…

  339.  #339life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Something’s gotta give with that! 🙂
    Thanks, Daria! 🙂

  340.  #340Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:23 am


    maybe you should stop carrying cash with you when you see him lol

  341.  #341Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:24 am

    RE 331 life_if_too_short I would make this into a lesson for myself if I was in your shoes. If the dinner has not yet taken place I would share how I feel about fronting the money. If not, I would say we could do something that does not involve a lot of money. I saw on the Sex and City, Miranda’s Steve did not earn a lot of money and when they settled into a relationship they went out to pizza for dinner; something he could afford.

    I would also suggest “I respect a man who keeps his word because integrity means a lot to me.”

  342.  #342life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:24 am

    I am feeling a lack of patience for this.
    If a man doesn’t know to be generous to win me, it doesn’t feel good, and I really don’t want to have to teach him how to treat me.

  343.  #343Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Lori: I just saw your post describing the whole situation, that he asked you b/c he heard you are a good cook…

    I’m imagining that if I was in that sitch, it would feel great to cook for him if he planned it. Ya know, if it still felt like a date and he was contributing in some way. I’d let him come up with the plan and I get to do something that I love to do. That sounds fun to me.

  344.  #344Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:27 am

    RE 342 If you don’t teach him who do you expect will? How else will he know your standards and how much you respect and value yourself? IMHO this is partially what boundaries is about.

  345.  #345life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Thanks, ladies for your input

    I need to get a new vibe circulating around me, that men are spending quality time and money on me, and making plans in advance, so i will attract ever more generous ones that make me feel really goddessy.

    That’s another thing that chaps my @@s.

  346.  #346life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Yes, FW. That is one of my challenges.

  347.  #347Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Life – you Do teach men how to treat you , whether you want to or not.

    I would feel angry and turned off. You probably feel the same and humiliated for having gone along with it. Don’t beat yourself up. You noticed you feel bad!

    Now strongly Reject the behavior, while remaining open to him.

    I Don’t like that. I feel angry and turned off.

  348.  #348life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I expect them to just know, and I don’t want to have to teach them. Yes, I know, they are probably helping me to learn exactly that, how much do I love and value myself.

  349.  #349Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Men can’t keep boundaries were not enforcing – thank him to yourself or even to him! For being the messager that shows u u don’t want this

    Wow I feel so happy because through thus I learned I really don’t feel comfortable handling money during romantic dating with a man. I feel so thankful to have discovered this through this experience with you. Thank you!

  350.  #350Ella on February 11, 2011 at 8:32 am

    K Daria,

    I have e-mailed you and also transfered the $10 to you.

    Woohoo I feel excited about this.


  351.  #351Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Lg, Lori – yes if he planned it in a fun way without my help and all About attention to me and my pleasure – him cleaning dishes being the smallest part of the affair, then yeah?

  352.  #352Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 8:37 am


    My guy sometimes makes jokes about me giving him money.

    I noticed before, when I wouldn’t express my feelings about it, I’d start feeling resentful.

    Now, when he does something like that, I say how I feel right away.

    For example, yesterday I was counting out some cash before I went out to do errands and he came in an put his hand out and I said “ewwwww. That doesn’t feel good” and he said “oh, I was just joking but I totally understand”.

    After that, we moved on. I didn’t beat him up over it. I generally feel good about how he treats me. But I did let him know that kind of behavior turns me off.

  353.  #353Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:39 am


    I feel pretty certain he would buy the ingredients as well as clean up after. And he does take me out and is very generous. I feel like the cooking thing is just another part of getting to know me since cooking is a big part of my life.

  354.  #354Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:39 am

    RE 345 life_is_too_short

    Just to let you know that I have recommended here that people read the book the 5 Love Languages. The 5 are
    Acts of Service
    Physical Touch
    Quality Time
    Words of Affirmation

    Christian Carter suggests that we identify which is our love language and then share that in a positive context with a man. I am taking the chance to assume from what you write your love languages might be gifts and quality time. If you have a profile online and you know what your primary love languages are is it possible to write something in there so that they know ahead of time that you like to be wined and dined by a real man? Just asking……

  355.  #355Boomer on February 11, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Sirens, may I get your input on what to do about TallColumbusDude CD?

    We went out once last Saturday (one of my six CDs for the week–go me!), and there was good connection and much enjoyment…he emailed me Monday to ask me out again for my next free weekend (2 weeks from our first date). No phone calls, no IMs yet–and he says he prefers texting, but I can’t text him back–he never gets them.

    You may recall on the last thread that I was not sure how to respond to his request to see me Saturday 18th, as I often go out with my bestie Annie Clyde on my free weekends and needed to check in with her. Here was the exchange:

    Him: Hello, Well, let’s plan something for the next weekend. I’m working with {Customer} on Friday the 18th and I doubt we’ll go into the weekend. Saturday works best…

    Me: Hi, TallColumbusDude. Your project sounds exciting. I’d love to hear more about it.

    Let me consult my oracle and let you know in a couple days how that Saturday works. Andrea often has dibs depending on her work schedule (or thinks she does), but it would feel best to see everyone happy (especially myself). And seeing you would make me feel happy. Are you open to Friday just in case?

    I then I figured out my weekend plans with Annie Clyde and re-wrote to him before I got a response:

    Me: TallColumbusDude, hey 🙂 Still good for next Saturday? That works for me.

    And no response to either email . Too lean-forward to confirm that I am free when he had not responded to my request to let me check my plans????

    I see him on IM all the time, but he never says hi, and he often signs off shortly after I sign on.

    AND…it seems my email may not be working. I have had three different friends say they never got a response from me around that same time period, even when I resend an email. And I’ve had some issues emailing my kids’ teachers.

    So, is it possible he thinks I did not respond and I blew him off???

    Should I make some sort of contact? Is that technically leaning forward if there is the possibility of a technical failure? Or should I just go about my business and continue to make plans for that weekend and assume he is doing what he wants to do….and so should I???

    (Seriously, is Mercury in retrograde, because all my communications are a mess right now??? My motherboard fried on my laptop yesterday, my email is malfunctioning, my phone is having issues….)

    Anyway, I would appreciate thoughts. I am still struggling with leaning back.


  356.  #356Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:43 am

    RE 348 “I expect them to just know” Another coach says expectation is the mother of disaster.

  357.  #357Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Ella – I got the paypal, not your email… Resend email?

  358.  #358Tmizz on February 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

    I wonder why all our posts are in italics. Weird!

    Anyway, I feel like celebrating a small success today. Baby steps, right?

    Well, shortly after swearing off dating completely, and Internet dating specifically…I set up an OK Cupid profile (tehee!). It was a lot of fun! Some guy messaged me right away to say that he liked my ‘minimalist’ profile (I didn’t feel like writing my whole life on there). And then…nothing for several days.

    So last night, I adjusted my answer to the question “You should message me if…” Here’s what I wrote:

    “You feel like you want to.

    Also, you should message me if you feel like you actually want to talk to and/or meet me. I think you guys are getting all lazy, just sitting back and letting the cute girls email you. Well, not this one! If you want to talk, you can make the first move ; ) ”

    Right away, I had a message in my inbox! “You are absolutely gorgeous.”

    I think that’s cause for celebration. Yay!

    It’s still hard not to message some of the guys, though. And I feel like OKC really pushes for women to write as well as men. But all I had to do was think about how bad it would feel to write something, even if I thought the guy might reasonably get back to me. And then it was easy! I wrote one guy a short message, and it felt lame. So no, no more! But that doesn’t mean I can’t look and see how cute they are ; )

  359.  #359Daria on February 11, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Boomer – I’d retry in a foolproof way

  360.  #360Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:48 am

    RE 355 Boomer said “I see him on IM all the time, but he never says hi, and he often signs off shortly after I sign on.”

    I say action speaks louder than words. There is something going on that you don’t know about. I would wait for some contact from him. Guys go after what they want.

    Haven’t heard anything yet about Mercury in retrograde. Will check my latest from Carol Allen to see if she mentions it.

  361.  #361Lori on February 11, 2011 at 8:49 am


    I might be contradicting everything on here, but I personally have had issues with my own text and email and don’t ever use either if I need to rely on something 100% for communication. I always use actually hearing someone’s voice on the phone for that. If it were me, just this once, I’d call and say I tried to answer your email but am having technical difficulties. If you get his voicmail. reiterate that you are having text and email difficulties and ask him to call your phone.

  362.  #362Ella on February 11, 2011 at 8:53 am


    Sent again.

  363.  #363Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 8:54 am

    RE 361 Sorry Lori but I felt like there was some investment there maybe it was the words “I need to rely”.

  364.  #364Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Lori: ya, it could be a fun experiment.

    I would maybe let him lead, and see how it feels.

    If it feels good, then great but if it feels bad then you have an opportunity to practice communicating boundaries.

    I was just laughing the other day because I manifested a man who loves to cook and I don’t really like to. He makes about 90% of our meals. I remember saying before that I want a man who loves to cook.

    I’m also feeling ironic because I also said I would love to date a massage therapist because I LOVE getting massages. The ironic thing is, just a few weeks ago LI told me he was considering taking some massage classes. I kinda freaked out inside at the thought of him changing careers and maybe not making as much money. At the time, I didn’t remember that I asked for a massage therapist.

    Now I am laughing as I see that the universe is aligning what I asked for…a man who cooks and does massage.

    Life is funny.

  365.  #365Dorothea on February 11, 2011 at 8:57 am

    I deleted my facebook account realizing how much of my time it takes up. now i’m bored. i don’t want to focus on my work…i just want to cruise facebook and chat to people.


  366.  #366Leo on February 11, 2011 at 8:57 am


    I would cook for him or rather with him.
    I mean…he heard that you enjoy it and so kinda plans something you like to do.
    If anybody else asked you to cook for them, you would have loved to, am I right there?!

    He IS leading the way there, you are NOT initiating anything, you are leaning back and he comes to you and thinks of things that are fun to you. So why not just do it?
    If you feel a little uncomfortable with the idea “cooking for a man” then just tell him and tell him it would feel nicer/more comfortable/funnier to you when you can cook with someone”. You will see what he answers to that.

    What do you think?!

    To me cooking is a pleasure to. And when my Man asks me to cook our dinner (often we do it together or he does it) he asks for he knows that I enjoy cooking. Then I dont do it in order to get something (appreciation, a “oh you are a great cook”) I just do it for its fun to me, and it gives pleasure to ME!
    Ha, I am such a selfish person!
    Feels awesome!

  367.  #367Dorothea on February 11, 2011 at 8:58 am

    i feel way too plugged into the internet. i even feel like i should take a break from commenting and participating here. like i have some sort of artificial digital crutch.

    something feels not right to me. I want more fulfillment than the internet

  368.  #368life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 9:01 am

    350 ” Wow I feel so happy because through thus I learned I really don’t feel comfortable handling money during romantic dating with a man. I feel so thankful to have discovered this through this experience with you.”

    Yes, Daria! That feels to me like a great way to say it because I am almost too cautious to say how I feel because I don’t want it to come off as blaming or judging them! And then I get resentful and mad at myself for not speakingup . And he is particularly sensitive. Yay!

  369.  #369life_is_too_short_to... on February 11, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Then another part of me just wants to let it rip!! and i do sometimes !! haha like Sofia Vergara…she’s my goddess archetype

  370.  #370Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 9:03 am

    “I expect them to just know”

    I’m finding that even the good guys need some sort of feedback about what works for us and what doesn’t. I’m also finding that they like it. From my experience, it seems like the good guys enjoy the challenge of finding ways to make a woman happy…but they enjoy clues.

    For me, it backfires when I make a really big deal over something, or tell them exactly how to please me.

    It works best when I just say, “this doesn’t feel good” or “this feels good” and keep my explaining and making wrong to an absolute minimum. (ideally not at all)

  371.  #371Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Daria: I feel excited about you doing consulting work with the sirens. Very cool!

  372.  #372Lori on February 11, 2011 at 9:06 am


    I actually prefer not to have “help” with cooking, unless it is buying the ingredienta and cleaning up help. I do enjoy it and do it all of the time for friends and family. I don’t offer to do it for CDs, but I feel with this one it could feel good and I could still be leaning back since he asked me.

  373.  #373Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 9:16 am

    RE 372 Cookings seems like Acts of Service in the Love Languages book so now I am wondering if you both use that as your primary love language? It would be interesting if you have similar emotional style of relating.

  374.  #374LJ on February 11, 2011 at 9:28 am

    I just want you to know that I empathize with you because sometimes I feel the same way. I use to be on this blog a while ago and after being away for several months, I wrote on it for the first time yesterday. I find myself coming back here when I truly need some input from the ladies out there and feel like I can’t handle things anymore myself or feel alone….this place has almost been a great source of support for me. After I posted yesterday..I connected the blog with my e-mail so I was giving notice of the feeds…I was soooo looking forward to getting feedback from anyone/everyone. I wasn’t able to check my e-mail til today and when i finally did I saw about 200+ feed notifications. You can imagine–I was really excited and feeling good and thinking that several of these were responses to my post.
    Well, when i went to the blog, i looked right after my post and saw that Daria had responded which was great. By the way “Thanks you Daria”, …”I really thought about what you said and do appreciate the insight”. However, i soon came to find out that the rest of the these 200+ posts were other conversations going on and i did not see any other feedback that I had hoped for. Oh well..LOL!! So- anyway, just telling you this because i know how you feel…however, i think it just happens that sometimes a post gets lost in the mix and granted i’m sure there are folks on here that are on more often than you or I and maybe talk more on this blog…….so I just want to say not to take it personnally b/c I really don’t…..I would just repost…i might do the same……Ps..although mine may just have been avoided b/c it was way too long..LOL!!! Take Care…

  375.  #375Lucy on February 11, 2011 at 9:33 am

    i feel completely turned off by a man asking me to make him a sandwich! ugh ewwww no! But i feel joyful and peaceful making him a sandwich if it is My idea and he has been doing things for me – i enjoy giving back by making a sandwich. If he asks me to do it i feel like i am his servant, not his love. What does this mean??? Does anyone else feel that way?

  376.  #376Brenda on February 11, 2011 at 9:35 am


    RE: #273 – Tight hugs! No one means to overlook anyone. I want this to be a safe, warm, welcoming place.

    I’ll speak for myself: I have been feeling like I can’t justify the amount of time I spend on the blog. I have found, even being unemployed, that it’s almost impossible to keep up with and respond to every person here. It was beginning to feel like a full time job. And I have been neglecting a lot of responsibilities for about 2 years now, in favor of seeking my emotional healing.

    So as much as I’d like to be there for everyone here, I have forced myself to just participate part time. My personal life feels overwhelmed and neglected.

    But I care, and I wish you the best. I am glad you spoke up about how you’re feeling.

    Love, Brenda

  377.  #377Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 9:38 am

    RE 375 Lucy the only thing that came to mind was maybe what type of requests your dad used to make of you in that vein? Or maybe a past lover?

  378.  #378Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 9:39 am

    “…and then asks me later if I want the money back. What the f**k am I supposed to say?…”


    I would think I was being manipulated if my guy asked for a loan, accepted it, and then asked “if” I wanted the money back.

    OTOH…depending… in an established relationship, if something extra came up (not the original plan) IMHO, I might be Ok with “Sweetie, I’m short right now, could you treat us on this one?” I don’t mind treating sometimes. Y’all might not one like to hear that… 😆


  379.  #379Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 9:40 am

    RE 375 Or Lucy maybe the dynamics in your home between your parents when you were a child?

  380.  #380Ella on February 11, 2011 at 9:40 am


    Thanks hon.

    Yes there is a lot of stuff that rings true in what you said.

    Def some stuff about me having expectations.

    I did tell him how nice the texts b4 the op felt.

    The one I recieved after I immediataly got the sense he was refering to feeling positive about the relationship he thinks we can have…

    Maybe that is bc I have a pre-conception that he can be quite selfish. Urghh – label.

    But that is what I took it to mean.

    And that just felt all off considering I had just had an op… like WTF! You are talking about that now!!

    when he sent 2nd text it was that he has been thinking about me and him and it DOES work…

    I just got mad.

    But yes think he was doing his best and I did colour it negatively cus of how I was feeling and expectations…

    Grrr darn those expecations.

    Doubt if he is the man for me but door open for now!

    Who knows… Maybe I’ll be suprised.

    But if not by him he will simply lead me nearer to the relationship I do want!

  381.  #381Brenda on February 11, 2011 at 9:44 am


    RE: #375 – I totally feel that way! I think it’s because intention is everything. If a man asks me to make him a sandwich, I wonder immediately if he is looking for a partner and a companion or just a servant.

    That’s why I find it valuable when Rori encourages us to just seek men who are going to wine and dine us, to go for high caliber men who know how to take care of a woman.

  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 9:44 am

    @332: Femininewoman says:
    “…His thought “it’s not Monday, that’s what you want to do fine…”

    Is it just me? If a guy accepted an invititation in that way, I’d think: “rude bumpkin!” However, I probably would not have invited him in the first place…


  383.  #383Daria on February 11, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Lg – so u don’t share finances with live in lover… Hmm

    I notice Mercedes doesn’t either and
    Neither does Tinque I think

    I want to share finances for my forever relationship.,, hmmm

  384.  #384Daria on February 11, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Having children would probably bring that about…

  385.  #385Daria on February 11, 2011 at 9:54 am

    I feel great to make him a sandwich when He asks, just like give him a massage… If I feel really loved… And energetic

  386.  #386Brenda on February 11, 2011 at 9:54 am


    RE: #124 – This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I feel sure Rori would say don’t contact him; don’t try to figure out what he’s thinking or doing; get back on your bridge; and circular date.

    I know, much easier said than done!

  387.  #387Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Violet and LJ, Welcome!

    I’ve found that the best way, for me, to get feedback is to offer it as well. When I’m just wanting feedback, I often feel invisible and on the sidelines. When I find myself interested in the stories of others, then an exchange starts happening, a back and forth.


  388.  #388Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 10:02 am

    RE 382 SLV I totally agree with you. I keep telling him he is immature. He’s 39 and comes across as selfish but she was willing to invite him “hey what you are doing for Valentine’s”. I guess it is what Christian Carter call the SuperSized Friend approach.

  389.  #389Pamelala on February 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

    violet and LJ,

    I agree with SummerGoddess. Also, when someone does respond to your question. It is helpful to offer feedback…was it helpful? do you need to provide more info? do you have follow up questions?

    This makes it more of a conversation.

    I’m sorry you felt invisible. I felt the same way when I first came on because my posts got moderated and weren’t posted for days after I asked. So, they got lost in the shuffle. It gets better, promise!

    In the meantime, while you’re waiting for a reply, read the blog because, chances are, your question has been answered elsewhere. Almost all issues can be answered with just a couple of responses:

    *Don’t call, text or e-mail him
    *Lean back
    *Wait for him to show you if he’s willing to be the man you deserve
    *Take care of yourself

    Hope you’ve found the help you need!

  390.  #390Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 10:05 am


    Hmmm, I feel unclear as to exactly what you mean by share finances.

    We do share the household expenses. We both have our own income. We each pay for our personal expenses like car, clothes, etc. We split groceries. We just both bring food home. When we go out, he almost always buys. When we go to hot springs he pays. He knows that feels romantic to me.

    I enjoy having my own financial independence. At some point, when we have children, I would like for him to be able to support us. Right now though, I feel happy making money and contributing. We plan on starting a family business in the future and I imagine that will pay for our expenses. I see him running it and me being able to contribute my creativity when I feel inspired.

    So, that’s how it works for me. It’s cool that we all get to write our own stories, follow our own bliss.

  391.  #391Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Mmmm, I’m enjoying exploring what I want the financial aspect of my relationship to look like.

    Also realizing how much I value financial independence. When I was 15, I lied about my age just so I could get a job. I was sick of depending on my parents for money. I wanted to get way more than they could afford to give me so I had to take matters into my own hand.

    Surrendering my financial independence to someone…that’s a big challenge for me.

    This is fun. I like exploring my belief systems around these kinda things.

  392.  #392Pamelala on February 11, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Just an update on HunkyGuy: I woke up this morning with an abcessed tooth and had to schedule a root canal for late this afternoon. 🙁 So, I sent him an e-mail letting him know that I couldn’t make it tonight. I said, “I was excited to finally meet you and am disappointed at this turn of events. However, it would feel lovely to reschedule – understanding that it’s a turn-off to be cancelled on, especially for a first date. I’ll leave the ball in your court. What do you think?”

    He was really understanding. Said, “No worries. I certainly hope you get better soon. We can try next Friday if you like. Looking forward to meeting you. Get plenty of rest and will chat with you later.”

    So, that went better than I expected. Now, gotta run errands and get to the dentist 🙁

    Have a lovely day, Sirens. Even though I don’t know you, I’ve grown to feel connected to you and care about y’all a lot.

    Peace – Pam

  393.  #393Daria on February 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Lg – yup I feel defensive a bit cuz it’s all good to do u.

    I’m exploring me.

    Sharing finances I meant as in all resource gathering power (money) being combined, not separate accounts, separate money’s etc

    I personally am a big attractor so I pay and would pay for nothing (that’s not a judgement on you)

    That’s how my life is right now… I wouldnt be coming with paper to the table … Hmmm

    I will be having myself and my beauty and my beautifying my environment energy and my creativity

    I live on attracting and being myself … Hmm

    I find I would feel unromantic living with a man with split finances and probably not married and having children right away

    This is strictly for me! Totally diff for u!

    I would feel like roomates and be very very into wanting to date others… I don’t want to be tied down in that roomate situation

    Sorry if this triggers u. I’m imagingin me w certain CDs in this and not about your relationship at all.

    Our wonderful relationships look different… Were unique in what pleases us

  394.  #394Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Hello Sirens! I’m finding myself in a dilemma and I’m hoping to get some help.

    I was seeing a guy this fall and it was getting a little serious and I just couldn’t deal with the intensity and pushed him right out of my life. Not that he was perfect either, but I’m only dealing with my part in this and I know that I didn’t face my fear of intimacy very well. I blamed him and made him wrong a lot of the time, and even though I used feeling messages, I barraged him with too much of it. Some of you might remember me talking about Tree Trimmer Guy – that’s him and I’m just gonna call him TTG for now. So he drifted away and rather than put him on the back of my horse and riding on, I ended things. He now has a girlfriend, but his friends, who I really liked, have welcomed me into their lives and he’s not dealt well with it. One friend, in particular, is about 30 years older than me and he’s really super sweet and I just love him. But it’s not romantic. He’s decided he’s in love with me and he wants it to be romantic but I just keep sticking to my boundaries and telling him it can’t be. I’ve told him I want to be married and have kids and that just not realistic with us. He has grandkids and stepdaughters who are older than me, but he keeps insisting he would do that, that he can’t help the way he feels. Most of the time he takes it all in stride, but he’s told TTG that he’s in love with me and that’s stirred up some drama for a couple of months now.

    In the past I would have distanced myself from this kind of situation because it’s just too uncomfortable, but since I really do care about this guy even though there’s just too big an age gap, I’ve stuck in there hoping it will help me heal some intimacy issues. I tend to run away in relationships when they start getting intense, so I think it’s good for me to not run from this even though it’s not relationship material and I feel incredibly uncomfortable at times. I keep reminding myself that Rori says men are responsible for their own feelings and it’s also helping me to set and stick to my boundaries, which is a challenge for me at times. Well, that’s not completely accurate, usually I set boundaries and when I have to start enforcing them I just walk away. I’m trying to not be the walk away girl and I figure this is as good a place to practice it as any.

    Yesterday, everything finally calmed down. TTG came where the Older Guy and I were and things were pretty relaxed and comfortable. TTG had been around a few times before that and was not so nice, but yesterday he was welcoming and warm, so that felt good.

    My problem is that I feel guilty and like I’m leading OG on. I know that’s not accurate because I’m sticking to my boundaries, but I’m having a hard time with all these guilt feelings floating around. I keep thinking it will get better, that it will get easier but things have gotten more intense a couple of times this week – as in TTG came around Monday and OG got jealous and it was just ridiculous really. But I told OG that I don’t want to deal with jealousy and so I didn’t have to yesterday.

    I could go into a lot more detail, but that’s it in a nutshell. I’m sure some of you will think I’m being unkind and I feel that way myself, but I’m looking for the siren way to handle this, not the way I would handle it in the past. Any thoughts?

  395.  #395Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

    @375: Lucy says:
    “…i feel completely turned off by a man asking me to make him a sandwich! ugh ewwww no! But i feel joyful and peaceful making him a sandwich if it is My idea and he has been doing things for me – ”

    Me too! I was kinda wondering how that would happen, that a guy would just say to me “make me a sandwich…” I can’t really imagine that. 😆

    What’s even funnier to me is the imaginery Christmas scenario I described with an imaginery fiance. I used an actual holidays get together of me and two girlfriends and substituted a “sweetie.” Even though in the story I had a big old diamond on my finger the description of me making for the man I was going to marry, a chicken sandwich, salad, cookies and wine caused a stir and some people feel icky.

    Also, maybe it was the Christmas lights, I have small formal gardens outside my windows with amazing light display for Christmas season–nothing icky like fake reindeer, just thousands of little white fairy lights Christmas trees and greenery . Too die for! I decorate with similar lights inside.

    I felt really bad about this at the time. Now I just think “fcuk it.” I’ll do this with my fiance any Christmas I get.

    You don’t think I’m feminine? I’m doing something wrong? OK, cool.

    I’m growing on the siren island!


  396.  #396Lucy on February 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

    yes, Brenda! Or worse, he’s looking for a mother! I think this was partly the case with J. And also maybe why he started looking for sex elsewhere – who wants to have sex with their mother ya know??? This is probly why “make him a sandwich” triggers me- it was part of that Wendy and Peter dynamic – she wanted a romantic partner in Peter, but he wanted her to mother him and be okay with him chasing tiger lily and mermaids and other lovely maidens.

  397.  #397Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 10:28 am

    RE 391 Great discussion. I recently had a challenge and got freaked out about identity theft. With that experience I surrendered to allowing my soulmate to manage the finances as it relates to bills. I find it tiring to handle now though I also wanted to get a job when I was growing up. I got tired of asking my parents for money. I know I want to maintain a job to earn money to contribute to the household.

  398.  #398Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I love this post! It feels interesting to me to explore being in man energy when leaning back just feels too challenging. I imagine I would get bored with it pretty quickly. I think even just imagining being completely in boy energy would be a great tool to bring myself back to my girl energy because it would feel a little ridiculous to think of leading him around. HAHA!! I love this! Thank you Rori!!!!! xoxoxo

  399.  #399elle_emm on February 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

    i feel really attractive today!

    i love reading everyone’s posts. i feel awesome to ‘be here’.

  400.  #400Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 10:37 am

    @383: Daria says:

    “…I want to share finances for my forever relationship.,, hmmm…”

    I’m sure I will be sharing too. I really think it will be part of the fun to treat each other!

    I’m not expecting my lasting partner to be rich and I don’t need him to be nor to pay for everything either. However, I recognize different things work for different relationships. For a mother it might be best if the guy paid for everything while she stayed at home with young children.

    I grew up with SAHM so that is the model I know. My sister has a sort of egalitarian relationship and she and hubby take turns with things and share. Lots of different ways to do things.


  401.  #401Lucy on February 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Daria, I feel the way you do about shared finances. That’s what feels good and pleasing and right for Me.

  402.  #402Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Welcome back Sweetpea

  403.  #403Daria on February 11, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Sweetpea – well I see it as fine, but personally I would feel ICKY and uncomfortable if a man kept confessing his love for me when I told him clearly I didn’t want to do that

    I have an older friend too who REALLY likes me like im his favorite person

    but he knows not to cross that boundary into making me feel uncomfortable because i would not go there

    he does have other girls he sees my age but he respects me too much to make me uncomfortable that way

  404.  #404Daria on February 11, 2011 at 10:44 am

    SLV – oops i feel amused

    by sharing i meant something like pooling

    as in theyd all be flowing together not separate as in taking turns treating each other… unless its from that same pool maybe?

    what is SAHM?

  405.  #405Daria on February 11, 2011 at 10:46 am

    SLV – what triggered me in that story was that the focus was on him and making him feel comfortable

    there wasn’t much mention of the amazing things he did for you or to make you feel comfortable and that this was a giving back thing

  406.  #406Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Thank you Femininewoman.

  407.  #407Daria on February 11, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I felt triggered because it’s so easy to hop on over there in boy energy and I remember how creatively I would be my boy self and be so delighted by my own creativity that I wasn’t noticing my energy with the man, and


    that I could feel good being the one being taken care of

    that was not part of my way of thinking at the time

    i was used to doing beautiful things for men.. i didn’t even realize that

    allowin them doing things for me might feel better

  408.  #408Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 10:56 am

    So busy but I’ve been reading from my phone and really wanted to take part in the discussions here. I decided to take a lunch break and play for a little bit….back to work soon though!

    Daria you are correct. J and I do not share finances (I have no access to his accounts and he has no access to mine). We’re very much the same as LG was talking about above. He treats most of the time but he doesn’t pay my bills. One of us will stop and the store if needed (whoever is in the most convenient place to do it) and will pay for the groceries needed but we don’t keep track of who’s “turn” it is…we just bring home what’s needed. I have a good job so I carry my own medical insurance through that. He did tell me if I ever wanted to do contract work or work from home that his company allows them to put a significant other on their insurance so he would be willing to do that if I needed/wanted something different.

    One of the things he has always loved about me is my independence. He’s totally turned on by it. I like that because then I’m not trying to change who I am for a man. I get to be ME and he gets to love it. 🙂 If my independence wasn’t important to both of us maybe keeping my own finances wouldn’t be important either. I don’t know.

    J has a lot more money than I do though so he had met a lot of women who were dating him for his ability to take care of them and not for who is really is. He fell in love with the woman who didn’t want/need it (me…lol) and he’s more than willing to share and treat me well and pay for dates. With the other women, he was always very aware of how much they were asking of him. Maybe that makes a difference too??

    If I were in a situation where I needed financial help…well…I wouldn’t hesitate to ask. But the cool thing is, I know he’s there for me and I know he would help me anytime I needed it and at the same time, he knows I’m strong and independent and I can take care of myself and that I’ll work hard to get everything I ever want and need in life. To us, those are attractive qualities in people of the opposite sex.

    As far as making sandwiches, my guy can ask anytime…as long as he’s busy doing something else. If he needs to take care of something and he’s hungry and we need to get going and I don’t have anything to do then yeah…of course he can ask me to fix the sandwich while he does whatever and we can leave on time.

    If he asks me to make dinner when I get home because he’s going to stop and pick up coffee and milk, I’m happy to do it for him.

    If he’s playing video games or reading a book or surfing the net and he says “Hey Babe…kitchen…I need a sandwich…and bring me a beer while you’re up.” Then he’s going to find the heel of one of my spiked heels in his mouth. 🙂 Just kidding…he would never do that! lol

    Nah…it’s all about respect for me. If he needs food and he can’t make it right now and I’m not busy then sure…I respect him, I love him and he always treats me with respect (not as a servant) so I absolutely would have NO PROBLEM at all with him asking me to fix him something to eat. None at all.

    (I also would have no problem asking him to fix ME a sandwich if I was the one too busy to take care of it right now)

    Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!

    Much Love,

  409.  #409Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 10:59 am

    @393: Daria says:
    “…I personally am a big attractor so I pay and would pay for nothing (that’s not a judgement on you)
    That’s how my life is right now… I wouldnt be coming with paper to the table … Hmmm…”

    I think I misunderstood when you wrote shared finances. That’s OK, people do things different ways.

    I also like separate accounts for things just as I have separate accounts now even though I have household of one.

    This might be old-fashioned sounding but my mother taught me to always have my own money account no matter what; she always had an account that was hers. She was a big proponent of man doing the supporting and woman “not working” outside the home. I scoffed and thought this was extremely old-fashioned.

    My aunt and her husband were childless, no children at home to care for but she didn’t “work” either…but had her own account.

    It seems things are turning back the other way back to single income…but you might want to consider having your own account anyway.


  410.  #410Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:03 am

    shortest and muy confidentest no girlfriend speech ever ! from Angelique:

    I want to be a wife and until I feel comfortable enough for you to put a ring on my finger, I have to leave my options open by dating other people.

  411.  #411Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Thanks Daria!

    It does feel a little uncomfortable at times, but it’s getting better. He’s gotten really hurt and angry at me a couple of times, but I just keep sticking to my boundaries and he’s dealing with it better all the time. I think I’m getting some good growth out of dealing with it and I’ve had to deal with feeling bad for sticking to my boundaries. Which I’ll probably have to do with other guys as well, so I think it’s good practice. And ultimately, I’m having to learn to not worry about what he’s feeling and just heal my own stuff around all this. So it feels good, but the biggest challenge is not worrying about his feelings.

    It felt good to hear you’re that guy’s favorite person and that he respects your boundaries.

    I don’t think OG disrespects my boundaries so much as he just gets a little intense sometimes. I don’t feel like he pressures me so much as just needs a reminder occasionally. I’m so hung up on the age difference that I can’t even see around it to know if I’d be attracted to him otherwise, but I don’t guess it really matters.

  412.  #412Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

    SLV – your mother’s advice seems “new fashioned” to me… i feel a bit triggered by it being old fashioned

    no one in my past family generations as i know of did that in their marriages…

    and that’s ok, its all good

    im finding what works for me

  413.  #413Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

    I dont even have an account anymore now as a single person!

    well a paypal account


    i love my adventure life

  414.  #414Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:08 am

    meaning no one had a separate account

    yet they all – the women – worked outside the home ! ha

    my grandma was a dress maker and had her own business

    my other grandma was a nurse

    their parents were farmers –

    and also i think one wealthy family where maybe the woman didnt work im not sure tho


    crazy waky world of whats old fashioned to one and not another

  415.  #415Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Love #410!

  416.  #416Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 11:10 am

    404: Daria says:
    “…what is SAHM?…”

    “Stay at home Mom”


  417.  #417Ella on February 11, 2011 at 11:12 am


    Re 395,

    I was one of the people who said I felt Ick about that Xmas story.

    But I never meant for you to feel really bad.

    Its just that was how I felt reading that, cus it sounded like leaning forward and that is that is the very issue I am working really hard to change for my own self.

    Was not a judgment on you, and I do not think you are unfemine bc of that!

    I did notice that since then you do not interact with me and my posts and I have often felt sad about this as I always loved getting your opinion.

    I felt kinda sad and shunned but also want to respect your right to choose who you respond to on here.

    Anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry if anything I said upset you and I feel glad that you are here.

  418.  #418Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Sweetpea – honestly “dealing” with it doesnt sound as easy as you seem to see it


    YOU are supposed to feel 100% good!

    i wouldnt want to feel icky AT ALL

    id step up noticing MY Feelings – of ickyness/guilt/whatever

    and “blame” them on him in my head if i have to to make it clear to myself this DOESNT FEEL GOOD TO ME!!!

  419.  #419Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I had shared finances with my ex. My parents do too (with a separate account for each of them for play money, like what SLV mentioned). And my brother and SIL have totally separate money. They each pick bills they pay and she picks up the grocery stuff typically, and he picks up the entertainment tabs.

    I’ve seen it work all sorts of ways.

    I don’t know what I’ll do next time around. Separate accounts to me just implies that I’ve got something going on with my money that I wouldn’t want you to see and/or I don’t want to share what I’m doing with my money. Another way to keep secrets. Ick.

    Having been in the situation where I ended up buying all of the groceries/household stuff, and it put a crimp in my own personal spending (while he spent whatever he wanted), I can see that easily moving my feelings into resentment.

    I’m pretty sure I want shared accounts. Working together to create and keep a budget, shared goals, etc.

  420.  #420Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Mercedes –
    i think he’d love you anyway even if you didn’t have your own money and he provided all

    even if he doesnt think he would right now…

    its more than your independence and deeper than that and not financial

    men find me independent strong and able to take care of myself and its def not financial

  421.  #421Lucy on February 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

    i agree, daria #420

  422.  #422Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Oh Daria…I very, very much agree. I just think because of his own past experiences with women if I had not been financially independent he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me well enough to fall in love in the first place. He, like anyone, was/is very much led by his own experiences.

    Now, if something happened, he would still love and respect me. No doubt about that.

    But he does know that if something happened to me financially, I would work my butt off to get back where I needed to be. And he would love that about me too.

    You are absolutely correct though…he would love me, at this point in our relationship, with or without the means to pay my own bills.

    But part of it (especially the beginning part when we were first dating and then throughout the dating process as we were growing closer and closer) is certainly the kind of person I am. And the kind of person I am is one who works really really hard to get ahead in life…he likes that kind of thing. And I’m glad he does because I would DIE if I couldn’t be this way.

    Hope that makes sense…

    Much Love,

  423.  #423Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Just read this somewhere else:-

    I don’t believe you need to hide any aspect of yourself, your truth, and who you really are in the world. When you cultivate the courage to really BE
    yourself and say what you mean… to your
    friends, your family, your boss, and your
    lover, you become incredibly POWERFUL in
    your life.

    The secret sauce to this is being ready and willing to ACCEPT others, regardless of whether or not they agree with your perspective on what’s “right” or “wrong”.

    I have seen over and over again that this is the master key to…

    – Great sexual relationships

    – Deep love, commitment, and trust

    – General happiness and contentment with

  424.  #424Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

    KNOCKSOFTLY…. How are you? besides in raging self esteem?

    I’ve gotten a very cool download from this beautiful women who was damaged by two narcississtic relationships and will be reviewing it asap…

    but it’s so good to hear from you – and I really want to know what happened with the “situation” if you want to share?


  425.  #425Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Sirens, a question – the female answer, I’ve already polled the men I know…

    If a man meets you, chats about where you live and says what does your husband do? is that flirting, displaying interest in whether you are married, asking if you are….

    or just wondering what your husband does?


    and if you say, oh, my boyfriend….etc…..

    then if he’s interested he’ll lean forward?

    If so I might have met a “spark”….

    wow, in a year and a half – one man! amazing…
    but I love it when it happens!

  426.  #426Summerbaby on February 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

    We had shared money and no separate accounts in my marriage. I managed all the money but rarely spent any on “fun” or uplifting stuff for myself. Too much guilt.

    A friend advised me that we should have “mad money” accounts. Looking back, I think that would have been massively helpful. There’s something really great about being able to spend what you want on what you want, even if it’s frivilous, just because you want it.

    When I get to a point where I will set up a new household with a sweetie, I believe we will adopt that approach. It’s just so much easier to have no blame if he spends and I think he shouldn’t or guilt if I spend and think I’m taking too much. I think it’s good to have the option of buying something just because you want it and not have to clear it or defend it to anyone.


  427.  #427Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Jaqueline – I sparked once every few years…

    but since opening up to unsparky guys im sparking all over the place much faster!

    JOY to this discovery

    i’d like to Spark with everyman that i would feel good about myself with!

    thank you Angels!

  428.  #428Summerbaby on February 11, 2011 at 11:32 am


    It sounds like he’s fishing for your availability in a roundabout way.


  429.  #429Summerbaby on February 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

    I want to buy myself flowers in an effort to boost myself esteem… I intend to put a gift card on it and say wonderful things about me to me.

    I think it will make me feel better with all that has been going on in my life.

    If my favorite guy sees it and asks, do I explain that I did it for me? Or do I just smile and skirt the issue?


  430.  #430Simply Shannon on February 11, 2011 at 11:37 am

    SLV, do you remember the way you worded that no girlfriend speech? You changed the “keep my options open” to something else. What did you say? I thought i had it copied for future reference! Bummed I can’t find it.

  431.  #431Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Re: aging, Ophra had supermodels on a week or two ago – Paulina beautiful model said nothing ages worse than a beautiful woman’s ego. Haha…and she said it hurts her when men don’t glance twice at her now. I’ve felt that like at Kroger’s….but it happens to supermodels?! anyway, it was interesting – maybe more at loosing something (beauty, your perception of your beauty, than about aging – Christy Brinkley is hardly average, lol….)

    Re: Violet and writing back – I didn’t see the post, but yes, I know the feeling. However, if as LG suggests – you have to comment on other’s stories to get comments – that’s like leaning forward with women isn’t it?? or giving to get – I wonder cuz I got this same advice before.

    It’s like this post – I almost think Rori sounds tongue in cheek, or a bit resentful – like she’s been forced to address the idea that some women want to act, even if it means directing, controlling, etc? It’s a how to if it’s going to drive you crazy and make you bite all your fingernails off NOT to, and it doesn’t feel empowering at all. Which is the point?

    I still think the distinction is between passive=feminine and active=masculine in the work, not boy vs girl….

    and passive prompts one result, and active another.

    Have a great Friday –

    and for all the stories I am involved in! dang it, Nancy and Andi – where are you, out dating Mr. Fabulous???

  432.  #432Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Summberbaby: For me, skirting the issue feels a little like game playing (probably not what you mean, but that’s how it feels over here). I would say I did it for me. I would tell a man that flowers make me smile I like to smile so I bought some. Going forward, that man will always know flowers make you smile. maybe it’ll inspire him. 🙂

    I have a friend who buys herself flowers every week just because she loves them. I like that about her.

    Much Love,

  433.  #433Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 11:38 am

    @412: Daria says:
    “…SLV – your mother’s advice seems “new fashioned” to me… i feel a bit triggered by it being old fashioned…”

    I didn’t mean “old-fashioned” in a put down way. That was the general model in the U.S. after World War Two. The baby boomer generation came out of that.

    Do you ever watch the “Mad Men” television series? It’s fascinating…but it’s also nostalgic for me. I lived through those times…sometimes their stuff is slightly anachronistic and I giggle…but it’s usually pretty right on.

    Yes, I remember my beautiful aunt responding to me, when I told her I might want to go to law school, “No darling, you don’t mean you want to BE a lawyer, you want to MARRY a lawyer.” She never did get it. Maybe had too many highballs at the afternoon card party…:lol: OK, that’s not fair. I loved my aunt when I was a little girl and I thought she was very glamorous.

    Yeah, but just thought of it triggers me now…

    The talk among my mother and her friends was of the young women who were working on their M.A.s but their real goal (of course) was to get an M.R.S.

    I’m thinking about this now and every generation before mine was SAHM even when they weren’t “Moms.” It was expected. All of them unless I go back to slavery times. And most of my family was in “free states” so that’s a pretty long time. Some of the women did live off real estate investment income; that was also a source for my immediate family did too. We were not rich. That was just a source of income.

    Hmmm, it is kind of interesting…

    Another thing I just thought of…how one generation rejects the generation before. My mother grew up in the Victorian house of her grandmother with those big brass bed steads,etc etc and she hated them so our house was “modern” all the furnishings “modern” etc yet get this… my brother and I were always buying antiques… hahaha. The kind of stuff that was in my great-grandmother’s house which my mother hated… 😆

    Nice trip down memory lane. 😀 …means I’m getting ancient…oh, well…


  434.  #434Pamelala on February 11, 2011 at 11:40 am


    I think skirting the issue isn’t being honest and feels a bit like game-playing to me. What would your motivation be in doing that? IMHO if you say you did it yourself, he might understand that A) this is a good example of how to show you attention that you enjoy and B) you care about yourself and are a rockstar.

    That’s how I would do it. “Oh, I was feeling low…the flowers and giftcard made me feel beautiful and valuable, like a princess.”

  435.  #435tinque on February 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

    SLV – Here I am. Phew. I was up all night and most of today fixing the lean forward problem. lol

    I had to ask for help.

    Truthfully been busy, and now we’re moving again. At least it will be local.

    Love, love, love, little white lights. I keep mine up year round. Or I will put them back up when we’re resettled.

    “I notice Mercedes doesn’t either and
    Neither does Tinque I think”

    Nope K’s money is mine, and my money is his, not that I have much. K pays for everything, all the bills, including groceries and all going out stuff.

    I do have my own account which I use to pay for some of my personal stuff as well as my business expenses and gifts for him.

    I missed the wonderful discussion last night on age/aging. 🙁


  436.  #436Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Thanks Daria and congrats on the all the way live blog!! I know I’m with Mr. didn’t really spark and it’s very comfortable, lol….I still love the spark!

    Summerbaby – YEAH! yes….flowers up your vibrational energy and are very healing….so if he asks, just say they were a gift…which they totally will be. Course if it sets of a jealous inquisition, you’ll have to say they were from your girlfriend – you?? grin….

    Mr. no spark didn’t really comment when a dozen roses came boxed from Canada thru fedex on my birthday – which is a total turnaround. Either I’ve out boyed him too much and he doesn’t dare complain about how I live my life, or he’s changed, or he’s noticed how much I abhor jealousy??

    Anyway, I hope the world feels the flowers for the next few days – and the fresh and growing vibes just keep going….


  437.  #437Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Jacqueline I take it as displaying some kind of interest or them checking to see if it okay for them to lean forward. If you are married I imagine they would not want to waste their time or energy. I get that all the time in some way or another. Recently I had a guy at work ask me what my husband would think about something. I told him I was not married. The next time I had to see him he had taken care of something for me. His comment “see how good it is to have your husband take care of you?” He made a mental note though I see him rarely. Now everytime I see him it feels like he is flirting in some way. I believe they enjoy flirting.

    I t

  438.  #438Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Tinque!!! I MISS YOU!!!

    And I’m almost never in my email so I haven’t written in forever and I’m so sorry about that.


    Much Love,

  439.  #439Summerbaby on February 11, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Thank you Mercedes.

    I’m a little embarrassed about buying them for myself, but I really am trying to lift my mood with all the ugly that has gone on in my life recently.

    I need a little beauty around me. It is not my intention to play games.

    Off to work… thanks again.


  440.  #440Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I should say I believe flirting helps them to feel masculine.

  441.  #441Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:44 am

    SLV i didnt see old fashioned as a put down

    just that the old fashioned to me is the opposite:

    no separate accounts (omgoodness!)

    and women working outside the home

  442.  #442Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

    “I think it’s good to have the option of buying something just because you want it and not have to clear it or defend it to anyone.”

    This just feels like not “choosing the relationship” to me. Don’t know why, have to explore my feelings around that. Or is it that such things should be negotiated so both parties know what each other want in the relationship. I am committed to an open relationship and would want the option of discussing everything with my partner even if we have differing views.

  443.  #443Summerbaby on February 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Thank you Pamelala,

    Appreciate your feedback. I don’t want to play games, but I do want to do something for me and am embarrassed about admitting it to him.

    gotta run now…


  444.  #444Ella on February 11, 2011 at 11:50 am


    Still getting triggered by Mr B on FB.

    I haven’t turned off his news feeds yet.

    So I keep wanting to respond to his general comments and I keep feeling REALLY ANGRY about the things he says…

    I know, I know, mancrack!

    So I am just gonna respond to his comments here, instead of on FB…

    Oh, and I haven’t text him, although I have been having an urge to… always triggered by guilty feeling eg: guilt for going angry and negative at him when he contacted me after op yesterday = feeling guilty = wanting to ‘make it up’ = urge to overfunction…

    Interesting chain of triggers.

    I so wanna share with him that I love recieving his nice texts but I want something back from him, ie: more texts and a reply, so I am holding back.

    Anyway here is his genearl FB comment with my response:

    Him: chaos theory some thing that becomes more and more apparent every day to meny consequences and not enough just getting away with things

    What I would like to say!: WTF are you talking about, you idiot! Of course there are consequences, duh!
    If there weren’t how do you expect to grow and learn?
    Why do you want to get away with things? Don’t you know that in the end you are fooling yourself?
    You are only lieing to yourself.
    How is getting away with things useful?


    Why do I get so triggered?
    Why am I so angry about what this dude says?

  445.  #445Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Summerbaby: I bought flowers for myself on mother’s day last year. I did wish they had come from someone else but they didn’t so I bought them myself and enjoyed them for as long as they stayed pretty. I understand being embarrassed about buying them yourself, but try not to be. We deserve to be taken care of and to have pretty things and to feel good and smile…and if someone else isn’t taking care of that for us, there’s nothing at all wrong with taking matters of our happiness into our own hands.

    But I don’t recommend even implying they came from someone else. Confident is when you can look someone in the eye, smile and say you picked them up because they were beautiful. If your vibe says in any way that you are hiding how you got them then most men will pick up on that and in this case especially, I see zero need to avoid saying you are taking care of you and taking charge of your own happiness.

    Now I think I’m going to buy myself flowers again. You’ve inspired me… 🙂

    Much Love,

  446.  #446tinque on February 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Miss M – Muah back at you!!!

    Flowers, love flowers. I wonder if I’ll get some this year for VD. It’s perfectly lovely if I don’t though. I get so much all the time.

    Now that we’re staying in the area for awhile, maybe longer, K bought season’s tickets to ABT. Yay. Play day in the city for my birthday, here I come. Any and all are welcome to join me and DocK if anyone remembers her. It’s not until April, so you have time to plan. It’s on a Tuesday.

    And symphony tickets in Boston that weekend for my b’day. Get to see my Daddy at the same time. Double YAY.


  447.  #447Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

    ok so Tinque Does share finances … except for the small account… hmm

    so yes and no both



    this feels kinda overwhelming and fun to see the range of what feels good to people

  448.  #448Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 11:53 am

    @430: Simply Shannon says:
    “…SLV, do you remember the way you worded that no girlfriend speech? You changed the “keep my options open” to something else. What did you say? I thought i had it copied for future reference! Bummed I can’t find it….”

    Yikes, i can’t find the original one either. But in my heart it’s:

    “…keep myself open to marriage…” I think that covers my intention.


  449.  #449Daria on February 11, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Ella i got a blank email from you earlier

  450.  #450Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Oh…and by the way…last year on Mother’s Day when I bought myself flowers…J and I were living together. I didn’t hide the fact that I bought them for myself and I put them right in our living room. He thought they were pretty too and never said a word about me making myself smile. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

  451.  #451Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Daria, re: 418…

    Yes, yes, yes! I DO feel 100% good around him 99% of the time. When I don’t feel good, I share my feelings honestly with him. Monday night when he got all jealous, I simply walked out. Thank you for the reminder though to get more into MY feelings about this. If it happens again, I’ll tell him “this feels bad.” on my way out the door.

    But that’s my point in “dealing” with this. Yes it’s uncomfortable at times. Being around TTG was extremely uncomfortable a couple of times and the awesome thing – that made me feel really good – is that when I was uncomfortable, when TTG spewed some anger at me, OG simply said, “Let’s go.” And he got me out of there, even though they’re friends. I feel really taken care of when I’m with him and that feels great to me. And OG asked me a few times yesterday if I was ok. If I had told him “no,” I have no doubt he would have suggested we leave again.

    My feelings of discomfort are my own in this situation and I don’t think he’s causing them so much as it’s just stuff coming up for healing. The way he treats me, if he were younger, I’d be a fool not to consider him seriously. And I feel shallow that age is that important to me. And yes, if I walked away from him that discomfort would go away. I’ve walked away from guys I cared about because I couldn’t deal with the intensity – with my feelings of fear around the intimacy. But you ARE so correct and thank you so much for the reminder, that yes! My feelings are mucho important and I need to be more focused on them. That’s probably the best advice you could have given me although I’m still not quite sure how heal these feelings of avoidance that I know have to be healed before I’ll ever be able to have a successful relationship.

    Does that make any sense? I’m just trying to not fight this because I know it will come up again with someone else if I don’t let myself heal through this.

    I feel a little confused. Are you suggesting I should blame my feelings of guilt on him in my head? And if I do, to what end? I feel guilt around CDing a lot and I don’t like it, but I know I need to do it for my healing. If I blame the guilt on the man, even just in my head and I’m supposed to feel good 100% of the time, wouldn’t that suggest that I get away from what’s making me feel uncomfortable (which would be him if I’m blaming it on him)?

    I almost got it.

  452.  #452Ella on February 11, 2011 at 11:59 am

    oh, but one positive thing…

    3 men have come to me today.

    1 is a guy who I met through internet dating.
    Had one date and he was sweet but I did not feel particularly turned on.

    Anyway he is quite sweet and has been in contact texting me sweet things throughout my op and tried to call me today, but I couldn’t talk cus throat too sore.

    2nd an old DJ friend. Not really a good husband candidate, in fact not at all, but if I take him for what he is he can be quite sweet. Ie: turns up every now and again, gives me lost of attention, takes me out to whereever he is playing. I get to dance backstage while he plays and he buys me drinks.
    Then drops me home.
    Not a bad deal, always makes us both feel good.

    3, a guy from London who I have dated b4 but again didn’t feel that attracted to.
    Good on paper though, I mean he is hot, employed in property, same age as me, interested, has money, likes the same music as me, and wants to take me out even though I keep turing him down.

    So anyway I said hi to him on FB chat… I know leaning forward… but then leant back and he took the convo from there and asked me out for when I am better.

    So, even in my sick, post op state I have got my Siren vibe working!

    Yay. 🙂

  453.  #453tinque on February 11, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Summerbaby and FeminineWoman – I was going to say much the same as Miss M did. Men can come through in lovely and wonderful ways sometimes, especially when you don’t EXPECT it.

    When there are expectations around your desires, you will likely be disappointed even if they do come through with something.

    If there is something you really want, go ahead and buy it for yourself. There’s no shame in this.

    When you’ve been with a man for awhile, usually a long while, he will get to know what your wishes are; he will figure out what you like and what you don’t, and he will act accordingly.

    In the beginning, though the things K did for me were very nice, I often had something else in mind, so I couldn’t fully appreciate what he did do.

    Once I was able to let this go and be open to possibility, once I was able to be in wonder and be surprised at whatever happened, not only did I feel better, the actions and the gifts got even better too, and they often exceed any expectations I could have had, had I had them.


  454.  #454Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @441: Daria says:

    “…no separate accounts (omgoodness!)…”

    Those were for personal expenses.


  455.  #455Ella on February 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm


    That is weird.

    I have re-sent.

    Let me know if it comes through this time.

  456.  #456Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Tinque I love this: “Once I was able to let this go and be open to possibility, once I was able to be in wonder and be surprised at whatever happened, not only did I feel better, the actions and the gifts got even better too, and they often exceed any expectations I could have had, had I had them.”

    And I WISH WISH WISH I could join you for your birthday but I’ve got plans with my honey to celebrate my own during that time. 🙂

    Much Love,

  457.  #457Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    445: Mercedes says:
    “…I understand being embarrassed about buying them yourself, but try not to be…”

    Tee hee. I guess you know by now I like gifts. They don’t have to be big spectacular ones either. 😀

    Sirens, buy yourself a gift; a new lipstick, a magazine you’ve never bought before, coffee mugs. Buy yourself a flower and a valentine.


  458.  #458tinque on February 11, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Well that’s what you get Miss M when you have your birthday the day after mine. You didn’t plan that very well did you? lol


  459.  #459tinque on February 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm



  460.  #460aspiring siren on February 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Hi all- Totally off subject but wanted to share.

    Wrote a post the other day and Pamelala told me it sounded like a poem… so i started to write…

    Thank you Pamelala for inspiring me to write !!!! 😉

    Hope you all get as much healing from reading it as I did from writing it!

    disappointment, heartbreak, sadness …
    who’s handling this one?
    A thousand voices yelling “I want a turn!”
    Who’s the loudest?
    the girl in the corner whose name I don’t know
    the tomboy, the queen, the clown or the geek?
    the girl in the dress looking so sweet
    i am! i am! says the only one to speak
    i’m always the loudest, she says with a grin
    that’s right it’s me …. and i win again
    who do you all think you are?
    no one wants you!
    i speak from the head and don’t feel from the heart
    i spew words of anger in defense of you all
    mistake after mistake… give it up! he’s not going to call
    you’re clingy
    you’re needy
    you’re nervous at best
    i let you try and look at this mess
    living with you all is such a curse
    move over now before you make it worse
    i’ll point fingers and blame them for making you sad
    don’t look at me like that! i’m not so bad!
    i’ve gotten you this far…
    through breakups and heartaches
    through ups and through downs
    i didn’t even laugh when you gained a few pounds!
    i protect you from harm. i look fear in the eye.
    i get stronger and stronger and none of you question why?
    i bully my way to get what you want
    guess i’ll keeping doing what i do until you wise up
    you’re under my control, you’ll never be free
    unless any of you think you deserve better than me?
    the room went silent
    all heads hung low
    no one stepped up
    what another blow
    then all of a sudden appeared the brightest of lights
    a goddess, an angel
    a beautiful thought in perfect flight
    She stepped up to the i and looked her square in the face
    We all deserve better. Even you deserve grace
    We all deserve kindness and care taken here
    We’ve been through the ringer, enough of instilling your fear
    She turned away from the i and gathered them close
    You’ve been picked to help, it’s you she needs most
    the funny, the broken, the hopeless, the crying
    You, come out from the corner. You can quit your hiding
    Deep breath.
    I’m here for you now
    Here all along, you just missed me somehow.
    She hugged them and kissed them and dried all their tears
    And told them some things they’d needed to hear

    Look at the one that’s been bruised to the bone
    The one that now stands there all alone
    She’s been laughed at and ridiculed for some of her calls
    But the i that’s the loudest needs the most love of all
    She’s tried what she’s known to keep you all out of harm’s way
    Don’t fear her, respect her, and start loving her today

    You’ve spent so much of your time living in fear
    Go to her now and dry her tears
    Invite her in, tell her she doesn’t have to work so hard
    Be grateful she’s helped you all get this far

    They looked at her there standing all alone
    With tears in her eyes and bruised to the bone
    We love you they said and are thankful for you
    But what you think of us all is very untrue

    We’re all parts of one
    We’re not useless or bores
    It’s feelings we follow
    That are some how ignored

    Please listen up close when we’re in a bind
    We give out our hints all the time
    Blaming in anger is often times fear
    Pick your words carefully … we want to be clear

    We want boundaries to live by, not lines in the sand
    Receiving respect from every good man

    The truth that we seek is with all of us now
    It’s been there forever just misplaced somehow
    The future looks bright, every moment a surprise
    Go ahead now, Give it a try

    I took a moment and felt suddenly free
    My blinders are off I am starting to see

    I’ve ignored you
    I’ve belittled you
    I’ve made you feel bad
    Now it’s I that feels very sad
    I know I’ve been unkind to myself most of all
    Forgive me please… it’s my greatest downfall.

    I’m beginning to understand that loving all of me first
    Is the key to a life that is not so cursed
    A truck for the tomboy, a crown for the queen…
    I promise you all next time I won’t be so mean.

  461.  #461Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Summerbaby – you sound like you need a gift – a gift of nurturing, self care, celebration and love. There’s much to be gained by learning to do this for oneself! I hope you absolutely forget anything to do with issues and simply treat yourself to joy….if you do let me know what kind of flowers you got and I’ll Reiki them for you! And, letting your boyfriend know that you want to be cared for? A very good idea – as is letting him know that you deserve it, and will do it on your own, too…

    Hearts and flowers,

  462.  #462Jacqueline on February 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    What is interesting about the spark situation,
    1. He has a powerful position
    2. I was giving him a chiropractor massage – ergo, touching him and he was in heaven…saying I had good hands…and it seemed to create an interest and an admiration and a wanting…..

    3. which is exactly how my 10 years with Mr. Charismatic came about…

    What I know now – wait for it….he can lean forward, and I can discern intent and details and take my time in responding, or it could just be a moment of attraction that I want to note and learn to recreate in my world….

    sigh, I love powerful, charismatic men!!! Ooooh, and he was totally older, too…yeah, older men that are powerful and charismatic rock. I have no idea how older men are in general….rofl….

    younger men have certain definite advantages, tho!


  463.  #463Pamelala on February 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Aspiring Siren –

    That was beautiful…how healing. Thanks for being willing to share it!

  464.  #464Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    SLV #457 Oh yeah!! Presents for EVERYONE!

    I just wrote a post about this and lost it so now I have to go again…hate that!

    A few months ago I bought myself a diamond ring and I LOVE it. I’m not embarrassed about buying it for myself. As a matter of fact, I LOVE it when someone takes it upon themselves to assume and they’ll tell me I’m wearing the ring J bought me on the wrong hand. LOL I get to look them in the eye and say “J had absolutely nothing to do with this ring. As a matter of fact, he was out of town when I picked it out.” 🙂

    Many people think it looks like an engagement ring. I think it looks like a beautiful cocktail ring. (there’s a picture of it on my blog from either October or November if you want to see it) but in any case, I love diamonds and J has never bought me jewelry. Should I have gone without diamonds all this time while I was waiting for a man to bring them home? Heck no! Why would I want to wait? 🙂

    Much Love,

    *PS: so much for getting back to work. I’m seriously going to pay for this over the weekend but I’ve missed you ladies/girls/women so much!

  465.  #465Daria on February 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    SLV – i understand about them being for personal expenses.

    it feels amusing to me to think of older people in my family having personal accounts though. that seems shocking – hence omgoodness – lol

    that wasnt the way they ‘got down’ as far as i know

    i understand and am cool with it being that way for that generation in the US and other parts of the world

    perhaps the women kept some money separate… i feel unsure… but i’ve never heard of it

  466.  #466Sweetpea on February 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Aspiring Siren,

    That was amazing! Thank you for sharing.

  467.  #467Daria on February 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Sweetpea – what I was suggesting to “blame” on him was an interim space to make the jump from

    guilt for His “hurt” feelings



    it seems you don’t need the interim blame step – as you know, im not for really blaming

  468.  #468Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    “…Should I have gone without diamonds all this time while I was waiting for a man to bring them home?…”

    Sounds good to me!


  469.  #469Daria on February 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Ella – I’m not getting anything from u 🙁

  470.  #470Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    @465: Daria says:

    “…perhaps the women kept some money separate… i feel unsure… but i’ve never heard of it…”

    I bet they did in their own way. Some dollars in a cookie jar, etc money inside a handkerchief or scarf in the back of the closet…just in case…

    Ask your Mom.

    In the same spirit of having something separate just in case…I still keep a “hard times pantry.” When I go grocery shopping and there is a sale I buy a few extra to go on that shelf.


  471.  #471Ella on February 11, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Ok, I am going to try from my other e-mail as that is a gmail account. So maybe have more luck…
    I’ll send it now.

  472.  #472Mercedes on February 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    SLV: Do you mean the not waiting for a man sounds good to you or does going without until a man brings them home sound good to you?

    I’m good either way…just curious because of the specific words you quoted. 🙂 For me, I prefer not waiting. Then if he happens to bring them home too I’ll just have more. LOL

    Much Love,

  473.  #473Femininewoman on February 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Aspiring Siren It’s great to explore one’s creativity. Thanks for sharing.

  474.  #474Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Daria: ya, we’re all different and have different ideas of our ideal relationship.

    For me, I feel good being financially independent. Sharing living expenses for me is no problem. I don’t want to be dependent on a man or anyone. I love finding creative ways to draw in abundance. I find it to be really fun. I have no desire to give that up right now.

    My understanding is that Rori fully supports us using masculine energy in the world. It’s just within our relationship, of we have chosen to be the feminine role, where it’s crucial to express this.

    For me, by expressing my boy side by generating abundance for myself, I feel more able to relax into my feminine.

    I love my masculine energy, just not in my romantic relationship.

  475.  #475aspiring siren on February 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Re 463 Pamelala and 466 Sweet pea

    Thank you so much !! Went in a totally different direction than I thought it would when I started writing but felt good to just do it!

    I fight against myself so much. It’s like I think I know what to do or say and then the Nasty voice shows up and it all goes to hell! And then i end getting really hard and critical on myself… ended up being a way for me to maybe heal some of those parts of me that I often ignore

  476.  #476Senior Lady Vibe on February 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    @472: Mercedes

    Sorry I wasn’t clear. I meant what you did sounds good. It’s a pleasure to get things for ourselves as well as get them from our guys.

    I would get it for myself and only wait if I knew for certain guy was planning on getting (very soon) that exact something for me.


  477.  #477Laughing Goddess on February 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I’m a big attractor too! An attractor of $ and being cared for by a man.

    That feels good!