Trying To Get Away From Pain By Heaping On MORE Pain – How To End The Cycle

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crying-eyeIf you’ve ever wondered why you’re finding yourself anywhere you don’t want to be…let’s talk about it.

Why do we cause ourselves so much pain?

There is a reason we’re attracted to and attract men who are not good for us — from simply “not into us” or “just not right for us,” all the way to abusive, mean, neglectful and disinterested.

The reason is in a pattern that got started long ago.

One day, at “crossroads” moment of our lives, we made an internal choice to “frame” what “reality” is. We made an internal choice about what “love” was — what it meant to us, what it looked like, what it was supposed to feel like. We made up “rights and wrongs” and “rules” around that choice, and learned to fit everything that came along for us into those rules. We created a belief in that “reality” we set up.

And all this was happening “underground.”

It wasn’t a “conscious” choice – we weren’t aware of it, and we fought against it and resisted it and suffered with it whenever it showed up. This underground belief became the foundation of our experience. It led us from one experience to another, where each one felt kind of the same, and had the same tinge of “pain” around it.

The way this all happened, the reason this underground, foundational belief became a pattern in our lives, is because at that moment when it all started, we truly WERE in a helpless situation. We were powerless.

We may have been very young, or overpowered physically by an accident or a person. It may have happened over and over again, or it may have been a one-time experience. And it created a full, complete picture for us of what life is and what LOVE is.

Because POWER is a huge theme here — the quality of our entire lives has a HUGE effect on the power we feel in relationships.

In other words, you may be struggling through horrible relationship after horrible relationship — and then, once you get your career together, and are doing work you love, and start loving yourself and feeling good about you — your dream man just shows up and it’s easy sailing from there.

For now, though, let’s just talk about love.

To many of us – Love is simply “pain.” Without discomfort and pain and misery, it doesn’t feel like Love. Without having to WORK hard at it — it doesn’t feel like love.

Because this is usually so far beneath our waking “consciousness” – because on a conscious level we would never KNOWINGLY choose a “bad” man for ourselves, we’d never knowingly make ourselves unhappy — we WRAP a man or an experience like this we’re involved in in a pretty package of some kind.

We make up excuses, we paint the whole thing in a way that LOOKS — if only to us — good. Or at least okay. Or, if necessary, we say it’s fate, or chemistry, or that we’re in an impossible situation beyond our powers to change.

At bottom, what we’re actually doing is USING a man – just going out and flat-out HIRING him – to HURT us. We don’t know we’re doing it, because we BELIEVE this is RIGHT for us. We believe this is all we can have, we EXPERIENCE it as love and almost ignore the pain.

Some of us ignore small things, some of us ignore major things. And it’s so easy to judge another woman who’s allowing major unhappiness, even though we are doing the same thing ourselves – just on a smaller level. And, in my experience — the WORSE things are for you, the FASTER and more amazingly you can experience a total turnaround in your life with just tiny, baby-steps.

That’s why you ALWAYS have HOPE!!!

The worst Overfunctioners (like I was) turn their relationships around the fastest when they stick to my 4 Rules.

Learning how to use Feeling Messages completely turns around the entire LIFE of a woman who is always in her brain, and pushing men away by trying to control them.

And stepping away from a painful MOMENT — even just one MOMENT — can change your life if, deep in your subconscious, you believe that love, to you, is supposed to feel like pain.

Here’s a comment on this blog from Sarah, who’s in an extreme, painful situation:

“Rori, I am in a terrible place right now. I am in love with a toxic man, and don’t know what to do about it. He has a fetish, and it rules his life. I do this for him all the time, but it is still not enough. I found out he is now meeting other women in secret to do his fetish and lying to me about it, saying he is working late. Now, he takes care of himself during this, so there is no sex going on, but the fact that he is meeting these women is killing me. He is just really selfish.

I do love him, but am incredibly betrayed and hurt, as he promised me he would never see anyone else. We are not married, but we do live together. We’ve been together 15 months. A lot of times we are together, he is nice and sweet, but then sometimes he is not. I don’t know how to tell him I know about this, because I found out by looking at his email. I am afraid to confront him, but I know it needs to be done, as I can’t live like this anymore; I am always jealous and paranoid. I want him to change and not do this anymore so we can be happy, but I don’t think its possible. I am afraid to leave. Thanks, Sarah”

Sarah, Welcome, and thank you for your heartfelt comment.

I wish I could be with you in person, take you by the shoulders, shake you, hug you, and help you get a sense of yourself. You are lost in a sea of toxicity – this one man is just the “agent” you “hired” to hit you over the head and inject you with poison.

It’s YOU poisoning yourself…and we have to work really hard here to get you some self-respect and self-love, and I know you are in the right place with all these fantastic women. (I’m always very tough with this at first…so you can SEE what’s going on, because your tolerance for punishment is so high, I have to really go heavy-handed here, so sorry, but it’s the only way I’ve experienced that works — “tough love.”)

You must dump this man, now, forever, and do not look back. Period.

Now, it’s easy for me, a friend, a family member, a counselor to tell you that…but I want you to listen here.

The fetish isn’t the problem. Everyone’s got something going on, it’s a matter of the basics of relationship – loyalty, attraction, feeling good.

You CANNOT be IN LOVE with a man who lies to you. You BELIEVE you are – but you’re wrong.

You’re ADDICTED to him. You are like a junkie — and not just for love, but for punishment.

I know you must have a seriously painful childhood behind you, with lying, abuse, distrust, pain…and THIS is what we must address. You are staying with this man to KEEP yourself from dealing with what’s really underneath, and as you peel back the layers of how you’ve been protecting yourself from inner pain by heaping MORE pain on yourself…things will get clearer.

Please read EVERYTHING on this blog, in my newsletters, and anywhere you can find about increasing your self-esteem. Start here with the Power & Self Esteem category. Self-love is your work right now.

This man is NOTHING.

He is NOTHING to you.

I’m telling you the truth…please consider what life would be like if you believed what I’ve written here.

What I want for you is HOPE – but a different kind…not hope for this relationship, this man, but for your LIFE.

You are in a position now in which you must stand tall and RESCUE your own life.

***Now – for all who are in much smaller versions of this pattern (and we ALL have this going on about all kinds of things – our work, our daily life, our health, our love lives – no matter how small…):

Take a moment to ask yourself  What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new?

This whole blog, and all my work is about making up something new.  Something that feels good.

As we make new things up, and take baby steps AS IF those things we just made up were REAL — that’s when magic happens.

This post has a lot of themes, ideas, and Tools…I’ll put them in step-by-step form in the next posts…Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on August 16, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Amazing. I was just feeling so moved and alternately crying and laughing, reading a report of healings, most using this re-imagining and new imagining of events we want:

    the full article by Sylvia Hartmann can be downloaded at (you do have to sign up, then the article and other intersting stuff is free to download):

    I am going to edit and print here a few of the cases which used imagining and are about love:

    Guiding Star Event: Relationships – Marrying Uncle Bob

    This is a 49 year old lady who is very dissatisfied with her relationships so far; she has been married 4 times and every time “it was the same old story that ended in disaster”. The lady has become aware that she is serially marrying men who look remarkably like her Uncle Bob, her father’s younger brother.

    Client: What’s going on with that? What’s going wrong? Why isn’t it working? And how can I stop marrying another Uncle Bob for the fifth time? It’s gonna happen again, you know, I know it is!

    Practitioner: This happens when there is a Guiding Star at the bottom of the problem, some kind of experience where a person fell in love and made vows at that moment, and they keep on going until they are rescinded at last. So when was that special moment when you knew Uncle Bob was “the one” for you?

    Oh I remember that! I often think about it. I was – probably 12 years old, and there was this big family barbeque and garden party. Lots and lots of relatives. My father was as usual stuck in a dark corner wearing a sun hat and dark glasses, doing nothing at all, but there was Uncle Bob – he was playing ball with the younger cousins. He looked so strong, so beautiful, so charming, laughed so happily – I looked at him and thought, “I’m going to marry you!” And I had a crush on him ever since.

    Did you just think that or did you feel something?

    Yes – I felt something. Something amazing! Like, all the other people were – out of focus, and he was the only one that was alive, sharp and cleanly defined, and the breath stuck in my throat and I felt faint all over and then my heart started to thunder – I couldn’t take my eyes of him!

    You clearly fell in love with him, right there and then!

    Yes, I did. But he married someone else not long after and I had to be the bridesmaid and smile! It was awful … traumatic … heart breaking …

    It is very possible that the original falling in love together with the heart break to see him marry someone else has made this extra strong, like, “He’s not going to get away from me a second time!”

    Oh it’s funny you should say that. There is definitely a sense of that with every one of my ex-husbands. I pursued them … quite ruthlessly. (blushes strongly and grimaces)

    Can you see how that would have happened?

    Yes. Yes, I can. (Sighs deeply, shakes head) It’s amazing how this childhood stuff has so much … power, influence.
    I have six kids and they all look like Uncle Bob as well …(starts to laugh)

    (Practitioner laughs as well)

    (Both laugh for quite some time)

    Client (quite happy, smiling and relaxed): What are we going to do about me? How can we put an end to it? We can put an end to it, can’t we? Before Uncle Bob 5 comes along?

    I hope so! We can but try. What we normally do with these cases of falling in love, we call that a Guiding Star experience …

    A Guiding Star experience? That’s a good name for it! Talk about Uncle Bob having been my guiding star! For all those years! Sorry you were saying?

    Well what we do is we can travel back in time to the little girl who made that decision and have a word, see if we can not exactly change her mind, but make her choose different words perhaps, something less directly related to Uncle Bob as such? Does that make sense?

    Yes, yes that makes a lot of sense. When I think of it now, standing looking at him, I am beginning to wonder if it was love or actually, the first time I felt physically attracted to a man? I think I had my first period around that time, I think … yes, that’s definitely a possibility … (very thoughtful)

    Hm, yes, that sounds about right. And the little girl wouldn’t have known what had hit her.

    Yes, not at all. This is so … interesting … and slightly scary, too. (Takes a deep breath)

    What is scary about it?

    Well I never … I … I don’t think of myself as a particularly sexy person, and … ahm, it’s a bit strange … as a young child … … to have such feelings? Yes, are you supposed to think like that, feel like that at that age?

    You have to start sometime! Listen, I think we can talk about this forever, and that’s fun but it doesn’t do that much. I think we should go and talk to little girl. Actually, it just occurs to me … was she ever told properly about the birds and the bees?

    Oh no! (sits up straight in the chair and assumes very upright posture) Oh no you couldn’t say the word “knickers” in our household, everyone would have immediately fallen over and died on the spot it was that … not exactly strict, but … well let’s just say that that sort of thing wasn’t a topic of conversation in my family.

    How old was Uncle Bob?

    I think he was … hm … 23, 24?

    A young man in his sexual prime, playing ball and being very physical. So that wasn’t something …

    … I would not have been used to in my family, no, definitely not.
    Oh dear. No wonder …

    Would you like to go and see your 12 year old self and perhaps tell her a little bit about the birds and the bees?

    (Startles, tries to contain herself, wrestles with tears that have come from nowhere)

    (Practitioner waits, then says gently) She would have liked that if someone had, wouldn’t she?

    (Client is crying very quietly, nods)

    What you are feeling is an energy that needs to be expressed, where do you feel this in your body that’s making you cry?

    It’s all over my heart and into my throat and head.

    Can you breathe deeply and just let that energy flow away, wherever it needs to go?

    (Breathes deeply and relaxes a little)

    Yes, that’s better, it needs to flow out of the top of my head.

    That’s very good! Think about going to see the little girl again and having a real talk with her about intimate things, but keep breathing, see how that goes?

    (Clients sighs deeply, nods, concentrates)

    Yes, that’s a lot better. I guess there was a just a lot of sadness there that no-one ever did. I used to feel so lonely, so alone with … well everything. Not just the sex stuff. With all my feelings. Nobody else in my family ever seemed to have any, or even know what they were …

    But you do.

    Yes, I do. (Nods, thoughtful, but relaxed)

    Are you ready to go talk to the little girl?

    (sighs deeply, folds hands in her lap) I guess I should. Although I don’t know what I would say to her.

    We won’t know until we’re there. For what it’s worth, these meetings are never what you think they are, they are always surprising and in the end, always delightful. Like the little girl has been waiting for a long time for someone to come talk to her about the feelings she had when she saw Uncle Bob play on the grass that day.

    You are so right, so right … This is really true, she has been waiting. On the day, she was waiting. She was standing under an old maple tree, in the shadow and she was hoping that someone would notice and say something to her.

    Well we can, today. We can go today and I know its been a long time she’s waited, but better late than never, hey?


    Ok, so let’s imagine that you and I are walking into the past, into the party in the garden.

    The little girl is standing under the tree, waiting for us. What happens next?

    She is looking at us all expectantly and she is very nervous.

    It is customary in this way of working to give her a present to put her at ease. What would you like to give her? It could be anything at all because in this world, everything is made of energy, and you can shape it any way you like.

    This is strange – the minute you said that I saw a necklace in my hand, with a pendant, ruby, no the darker stone – garnet, that’s what it is. A large teardrop shaped garnet pendant on a golden chain. To celebrate her becoming a woman … (starts to cry a little)

    Breathe deeply, focus on her and give her the pendant.

    Ok. She’s taken it and slipped it over her head. She’s looking at it. She loves it, she’s very proud of it.

    You don’t have to actually talk to her, you can just hold her hand and tell her things like that, pure information, energy, love, you know?

    (sighs with relief) Oh yes that’s so much better, I don’t want to spoil it by talking and getting all uncomfortable again.

    Hold out your hand to her, see what happens next.


    (Practitioner): What’s happening?

    She came and instead of taking her hand, I took her right into my arms and held her close. I told her everything I knew by holding her and stroking her hair. Heart to heart.

    Did she like that?

    Oh yes! Oh yes, she did. She is so happy. That’s what she always wanted, to be really – close to someone, do you know what I mean?

    Yes I think I do. What’s happening now?

    She is skipping back to the party, very much like a child, and she is really happy, playing with the sisters and cousins, having a good time. (Sighs deeply and smiles)

    (Waits a little while then says) So how do you feel now about that whole thing?

    (Breathes deeply, blows out a breath through pursed lips) I’m feeling quite strange, very different. There are a lot of thoughts swirling around. One is, I waited under the tree, back then, not now, I waited there and I never knew why I waited there. I mean, I knew no-one would come, no-one ever did, so why did I stand there and wait? Was I waiting … for me?

    For me to come today?!

    What do you think?

    I think that’s exactly right, I think I was waiting for me!

    (With gathering excitement and intensity) I was waiting for me to come and help me, I was waiting for me! That is so … extraordinary! Oh I can’t believe how that is making me feel …

    How is that making you feel?

    Amazing … just … wow … I can help me! And not just that, I always knew that I could, even that I would, that is … remarkable!

    Well done! You did such a good job! And, what about Uncle Bob?

    He is still and will always be my favourite Uncle. But honestly, I don’t have to marry him any more. I’ve done that already – four times at that! (laughs out aloud)

    Creating A Missing Event: First Sexual Experience – The Gift

    This person is 30 years old and has “terrible regrets over how she lost her virginity and has never experienced a satisfying love life”. After successfully treating the original trauma experience relating to losing her virginity, which happened in a car park with someone who didn’t care for her at all and which left her shaken and deeply traumatized, she expressed the desire to create a different event altogether to create a new sexual identity and open the door for better experiences in the future.

    Practitioner: You know yourself best. What kind of experience, if you had had this experience in your past, would help you now get the best out of your love life? Let’s start with your age. How old would you have been?

    I would have been 17. I know it’s not legal …

    It doesn’t matter. We are making a model to create a missing event, and it’s all made entirely of energy. If you say 17, then that’s the right time for you. Ok?

    Yes, and it is the right time for me. It was the right time, it was just … the wrong circumstances, really.

    So what might have been the right circumstances?

    Well, most obviously, it would have had to have been the right man!

    Can you describe him to me?

    It would have been an older man, an experienced man who would have known not to frighten me, or hurt me, someone who knew how to make love well.

    That sounds very … sensible to me. How old, exactly?

    About 30, 35?

    Pick an age.

    Ok, 35. (Smiles) That would have seemed very old to me at that age, very … fatherly. Is that bad to think that?

    I don’t think so at all. I think it’s really important to you that the person – the man – should have been protective of you, and loving, and caring for you deeply. And that he wasn’t someone you would marry afterwards.

    Yes, yes! That’s exactly right. It’s like I need this to be a special event that happens perhaps just once, not an ongoing relationship, and you are right, I don’t want to marry him. I just want to … (blushes, shifts uncomfortably in the chair) … learn how to do it right …

    What are you feeling in your body right now?

    A kind of heat (indicates stomach area and upwards) that goes to my head and makes me nervous. Makes me feel … insecure.

    You are feeling some kind of energy there that is causing you stress. Take a deep breath. Think about doing sex right and when that feeling rises, when that energy rises, see if you can let it flow away somewhere, find an exit point for it so it can flow out of your body.

    It gets stuck in my head.

    Where does it need to go? Where do you think the exit point is?

    It’s on the top of my head, trying to get out but it’s not getting out.

    Ok, breathe deeply.

    Put your hand on the place where it is trying to get out, see if you can make an exit for it, open that up a bit so the energy can get out. There is some sort of blockage but it’s only an energy …

    (Rubs top of the head) Oh that feels tingly. My whole head feels tingly. (Rubs hands through hair strongly with fingers spread out as though she is washing her hair)

    How is that coming?

    (Breathes deeply in) It feels really strange, like my whole head is electric.

    Is there any of that energy coming out?

    Yes, it’s like, it’s coming out all over my head, through my hair. That feels so weird!

    Breathe deeply and keep encouraging the energy to come out. Think about the learning to do sex well again and see if we can get that from the stomach up and all the way out now quite quickly.

    (Stops rubbing her head and starts stroking her hair with both hands instead) Yes, yes its flowing out now, this feels much better. (sighs deeply)

    Ok, so … when you think about learning to do sex well, how is that now?

    Well … I’m thinking, perhaps I’ve been getting sex mixed up with doing well at school. That sounds really stupid, doesn’t it. Sex isn’t physical education, is it. Learning to juggle. What was I thinking?

    Oh I don’t know … makes sense to me, if there’s something you have never done before, to want to learn how to do it well?

    Hm … I guess so … but it’s not very romantic, is it.

    It could be … in the right circumstances … so, do you still want to make the model?

    Yes, yes I do. I want to learn how to do it right. I want to learn in the right way. I didn’t then, but now I can. So what’s next?

    Well we have our man, he is 35, and what does he look like?

    Oh! That’s interesting. I thought I’d have some hunk but he is actually quite ordinary looking, like a business man, just friendly, kind, average size, average height. Brown hair and blue eyes. He looks like one of my father’s business friends.

    Is it someone you’ve met before?

    I don’t know, I’m not sure – is it important?

    Not particularly. If that’s what’s come up when we asked for the perfect man, we should accept him, I think. What do you think?

    I think he’s perfect. I would very much like to do … this with him. I think he would be nice to me and it would be … exciting. Not make me feel sick and dirty.

    That’s the purpose of the model, so that’s great. What is he called?

    Hmmm … I think I’d like to call him … Frank! Yes. (Giggles) He can be frank with me. Honest. I’d like that.

    And how would this get started? How did you get together with Frank?

    Sometimes in the evening, my father would bring some of his colleagues round for late night work. Frank could have been one of them, and I could have seen him going back to his car as I was arriving home from a sports lesson. (Laughs)

    Looking all wonderfully young, flushed and exercised in a short skirt! Poor Frank!

    (Laughs) Yes I think this won’t be too hard on him!

    (Both laugh)

    Practitioner: So, Frank starts to chat you up? Yes, he does. I know what he’s after, too. I know I look sexy and that he is not going to buy me ice creams, here is a real man showing an interest in me, he wants to have sex with me.

    And how do you feel about that?

    I am excited by it. I feel a bit – guilty, and a bit afraid, but also very excited.

    Do you feel excited in your body?

    (Blushes) I guess I do.

    It’s ok, we don’t need personal details, just checking. So what happens next?

    He says that he is here on a business trip, he’s staying in a rented villa, and it has a jaccuzzi and a swimming pool. He’s inviting me to use the pool, he says I look hot. (Both laugh)

    Practitioner: Nice one, Frank!

    Yes, he’s really … good. He is inviting me to have sex but without being slimy or leching or anything. He is making me feel excited and comfortable at the same time. I’ve never felt that before!

    Ok so … what happens next?

    I tell my mother I’m going out to see a friend and then I go back outside and he’s waiting in his car. I get in the car and we drive off. It’s a classy car with leather seats.

    That’s really good. It’s that kind of detail, like the leather seats and what they felt like as you’re driving to his house that makes it real and makes it do what it is supposed to do in the overall scheme of things. That’s what makes it from a fantasy into a model.

    Yes, it’s weird, it’s like I’m telling you something that really happened rather than I’m just making it up.

    It is happening as we’re making the model. It’s the coolest thing, to make experiences you’ve never had. It’s very freeing. So, what happens next?

    Well, we get to his house. It’s a lovely villa, I think I’ve actually been there, yes I have, they always rent that one out to people who stay from the firm. I’ve seen my dad there before. So we park up and he opens the door for me, lets me go in first. I am feeling a bit scared again but he is very calm, very relaxed, shows me the way to the swimming pool …

    You are enjoying this, aren’t you.

    Yes! Yes I am. I am loving it, actually. It feels – amazing. I know it never happened but … it’s the coolest thing, really. I feel so different as well, I’m not so scared anymore because I am beginning to understand that I’m a gift to him, I’m a total fantasy for Frank as much as he is for me. Does that make any sense?

    It certainly does! You know when we are that age, we don’t really appreciate what a gift we actually are, we are so – confused.

    That’s so true. When I actually was 17, I had no idea that someone like Frank would ever even look at me at all. I thought I was hideous.

    And now?

    Now I can see that he’s thanking his lucky stars for this opportunity and is really looking forward to it, to me, he thinks I’m – delicious, delightful. Wow!

    I do have to ask this – and now? Were you only delicious back then? What about today, right here? Are you still a gift?

    Oh … what a question … yes. Yes, I’m a gift. I’m more of a gift, actually, I’m … more than I was then, does that make any sense?

    If that was you with Frank now, rather than the young girl, the virgin, what would it be like?

    I could think it would be completely amazing. Different, totally different, but – deeper? Richer? Certainly longer! (Both laugh)

    Practitioner: Would you like to complete the model memory of that special night with Frank in your time, by yourself now? Do you feel you know what to do, and how to do it?

    Yes, thank you, I was wondering how far we were going to go! (Both laugh)

    Practitioner: Yes, so are you ok to continue this by yourself? Or is there anything else I can help with or that you need to do or have explained to complete the model?

    No I think that’s brilliant. I can take it from here. (Laughs) I feel so much better already, this is great! I am a gift! (Both laugh)

    Well, I hope you enjoyed your flight with Events Model 101.

    I absolutely loved it! I didn’t know therapy could be this much fun! Thank you so much – and please let me say, you have been a gift for me also today. Thank you!

  2.  #2Jane on August 16, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Amazing, Daria. It brought tears to my eye to read about her going back in the past to talk to her 12 year old self.

  3.  #3Jennifer on August 16, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    This is a fascinating blog!
    I will do some EFT and dig deep and figure out why I would choose a man who would ignore me. Prolly has to be due to being the daughter of an alcoholic. It would be nothing to be ignored for hours at a time while dad was drinking.
    EFT here I come.

  4.  #4Daria on August 16, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I just EFTd wiht myself for 3 hours straight tapping on whatever came up, I did rounds and rounds on im not good enough, no talent, i cant, i have no hope, and all types of things

    then i wound up tapping on well if i was what would be going on, and what it was is i would with a touch heal my mom, then dad, then friends, and i would be appreciated, peopl would come and want me to teach them, i would fall in love with a man who loves me, the whole world heals and then no one feels the need to fight and war anymore because we are all shifted and would be of the planet and the technology we use is healthy and natural and we radiate healing happiness vibes into the universe healing all aliens and other civilizations too

    i feel exhausted. i feel glad i just let whatever came up be said

    at the same time i feel like that took too long, and i dont even know if i made any inroad on the initial issue i started tapping on… i was not specific and didnt stick to the issue, i just let my words come out, whatever came to me

    maybe this is good tho? trusting myself?

    i will experiment with an intention to heal a specific issue quickly next time

  5.  #5Ann on August 16, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I like this post. I really like this statement-What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new?

    Now to read the comments.

  6.  #6Daria on August 16, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Pick your healing:

  7.  #7gina on August 16, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Love it! Totally willing to make up something new. It’s hard to articulate my previous belief though – since it’s all underground, I didn’t put it in words. But if I look back at my pattern I would say I defined love as Impossible. Okay so maybe i can switch that to Probable – there are so many handsome quality men around, why wouldn’t a sexy quality chick like me match up with at LEAST one of them. That feels strange in my heart and I feel like laughing.

  8.  #8Bethany on August 16, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    I love this post. Hits the nail on the head. But how do we root out this pattern and get it out of ourselves? I’m guessing EFT would help with this (and everybody, I’m totally not getting paid to say this–but you should really do a session with Erika, it’s amazing). How do we step away from painful moments so we can heal ourselves? My session with Erika helped me understand the reason why “powerless” has been a theme of my life and relationships, with everyone. My parents’ marriage LOOKED painful to me, and I experienced a few events that I identify now as trauma events. I suppose I identified really closely with my mom (still really close with her) and seeing her pain in relation to my dad may have caused me to recreate that sort of pain in my own life. Ever since I did the EFT, these memories have sort of been popping up and it’s like they’re mapping themselves out in my brain. They’re things I thought of once in a while but now I GET them more as they show up for me today. I know I can’t exclusively think my way out of my pattern but it feels so hopeful to ask that question–“what if it’s all something I made up and I can make it up differently?”

    Daria–love the website!

  9.  #9Bethany on August 16, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could all break our addiction to painful relationships–if we could feel just bored and turned off by any guy who would normally cause us to pile even more crap on top of trauma? That would be amazing. I want to believe it can happen–that I could make it up totally differently and feel happy and turned on by the good guys who are gentlemen and honest and stable and all that. That feels so much lighter and more relaxing, and even more romantic.

  10.  #10Bethany on August 16, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    If a guy “winks” at you on, what is the point of that? Do you “wink” back?

    And anyone who online dates: what’s your opinion on guys who aren’t in your geographical area? Do you keep up communication with them? They’re aren’t really any guys contacting me from my town–they’re almost all from different states.

  11.  #11Simply Shannon on August 16, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    This post really resonates with me. I just don’t know how to stop believing whatever it is that is allowing me to continue with this same relationship pattern. Why do I put up with this sh#t? I feel baffled. What happened to me to cause this thought process? I feel scared to be without love. I feel scared to be alone. I love my scared feelings. They drive me to put myself out there even when I feel uncomfortable (as a child I was VERY shy and stuck to one or two close friends).

    I feel like the one note wonder. Everything’s changed but everything’s the same. Some days I feel completely in charge of my life, strong and powerful and full of life. Other days I feel weak, like a feather could break me. I’m pushing forward, but am I really? Today I don’t know. Gotta ponder on this one a bit.

    Bethany: When I get a wink, if I like their profile, I wink back. Otherwise, I click “not interested”. I don’t initiate emails ever. After my wink, it’s up to them. I have winked at a few guys (mainly because I feel weird looking at their profiles since I know they can see that I looked). To me, the wink is the equivalent of smiling and flirting. I’ve really resisted looking at profiles because it saves me from having to worry about winking or not. As for the long distance thing, I live in a fairly large city with enough guys here that I don’t have to worry about having enough men close by. I generally say “I feel uncomfortable with long distance relationships. Good luck with your search.” I’ve BTDT with the long distance thing and don’t want to do that again. And I don’t like having only emails or phone calls as a basis for a relationship. You can’t really know if you have chemistry with someone until you meet face-to-face. (That’s just my opinion, but again, BTDT and met a guy I thought I liked by email/calls who I had zero physical chemistry with.) I’ll email a few times but if they aren’t initiating anything, I say “it would feel good to meet you”. Then it’s their call again.

    There have been one or two guys who were farther away that I thought were more interesting and so I told them that “I feel uncomfortable with LDRs but I feel intrigued by your profile. what do you think?” Most have said they would travel to see me so I’m open to it but not banking on that panning out. I hope that helps!


  12.  #12alias girl on August 16, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    i love this postt. i feel great reading it. i could read it three times and get more out of it. i like how rori says that man is NOTHING to her. that feels totally on spot. i also like that magic can happen once we let it.

    ann i like you new haircut!

    bethany i’m not on match anymore but when i was if a man winked at me i would wink back. sometimes the guy is not even a paying member and just likes to collect winks. or sometimes they are a paying member but i would wink back and he would wink again. or sometimes the men actually emailed. but i don’t even really look at men’s profiles that much anymore. i usually just have them email me. and if they don’t i really don’t feel like i am losing anything. men are HUNTERS. they can be hunting on the website. thank you.

    hmm. i have two guys i am interested in. i wonder if one of them is the love of my life.? 26 days. i am going to meet him in the next 26 days. 🙂 am i only go to meet him or am i actually going to start dating him? hm the beverly hills prophet made it sound like i was actually going to start immediately dating him. he also said the guy is going to be wealthy. i wonder why that guy himself didn’t ask me out? ? he was at an outdoor cafe and he said i’m here everyday, stop by again. maybe he had a girlfrined? anyway who cares?

    i feel very good to create my new belief system. that i am irresistibly loveable. that money comes to me so freakishly easy that it is funny to tell about it. that sex is good. sex with a man is easy and delicious. i am beautiful. i am healthy. following my bliss is the key to life and success. there are unlimted opportunities for me to go swimming in fancy pools. u (stray letter u)

    thank you. (oh i could have used that u in the word you)

  13.  #13alias girl on August 16, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    i don’t do long distance relationships. they feel not real and very fantasy based.
    for me.

    i love that i started responding to almost every single man that contacts me. practice! even if i can FEEL the ick vibe or nonmatching vibration i just ry and respond politely and honestly. great practice. sometimes the toxic ones get toxic right away. then i respond to them honestly and politely and poof they disappear. but it still brings up that twang of fear and wanting to run away. probably why it still comes up. once the twang of fear disappears from being scared of having to say my truth they probably won’t show up anymore.

    all great practice. i feel very good saying my feeling messages and having boundaries.

    rori raye. emily van horn. abrahan hicks. = new exciting life for alias girl.!

  14.  #14Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 2:16 am

    this post has really hit a big one for me….i always felt that my present situation was somehow linked to my past experiences and now i feel that i can even pinpoint the exact events that led to the present…
    Back when i was a young girl my immediate younger sister always got the compliments i could only dream of.She was prettier,her hair was longer and she was far much more interesting to be with….I felt frustrated with the lack of attention and no matter how much i tried i could never get the attention directed back at me…I resulted in studying hard in school and being obedient with the hope of getting that attention i craved for…I can actually feel the anger and the frustration as i write it down…For me i felt that love and affection just had to be acquired through hard work…the same way i excelled in academics through working hard was the only way i could get loved….I felt that i did not have the physical attributes to attract love..i.e beauty and charm and so i had to put extra effort…
    i have done it ever since…i am always putting extra effort,i am always feeling the same pain….even now…
    My belief of how love should be feels like pain and hard work and confusion…
    I read this post and everything fell into place….My current guy is a perfect definition of how i believe love should be and trust me its not a good one….I am glad that i can understand where i am really at and where i should be….and i feel that my good place starts now…
    There is so much pain and hurt that i still hold inside and i need to let it flow…….the disappointment of not having achieved what i believed should have been achieved and i feel that i need to embrace that past and be okay with it and hug that little girl inside of me that still craves for the attention and love she never really managed to get…..
    I Feel my walls are slowly breaking down and my breakthrough is coming in slowly….It feels like a great relief….
    I want to spend the next week remembering all my past experiences and reconciling myself with them and trying to heal my past wounds….then i can start over again…it feels like a really fresh and good start this time…

  15.  #15Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 2:49 am

    I do have this best friend who is the greatest gift for me….She has this really great relationship and i always felt bad whenever I watch her talk to her now fiance….
    At first i thought i was jealous…maybe i was a little bit…but mostly i felt bad because it was the same scene playing again…where my feelings of inadequacy came up and i would feel drained because of thoughts of how i had to struggle to even get a glimpse of what she has….
    It is true that we create our own realities and i feel glad that i can change it…i feel even much happier and blessed to have noticed my own pattern and i so want to change it….
    First things first though…i need to let go my current guy…i need to start afresh and take care of me….if he’s interested then I’ll date him along with the rest of the guyz but i feel more certain that for me to break the pattern i need to put him out…because the reason i was attracted to him in the first place was because i felt he was hard work and difficult to get…he was a challenge and i needed to succeed to earn his love…
    Today for me marks a good beginning of a different definition of how love is supposed to feel for me..and its a good one…thanks Rori and everyone else….i really feel that I’ve finally opened my heart to the real thing.

  16.  #16Jennifer on August 17, 2009 at 4:39 am

    I feel the same as Tracy.
    This post has been huge for me. As a child I only got any attention if I was doing something for either mom or dad. And Woe to you if you didn’t do things for them fast enough or well enough. Hence my constant need to overfunction.
    I too have a younger sister who gets more attention. She’s a princess with long blonde hair, slim hips, collects fairys, gardens, has a great fantastic government job and is getting married this year.
    My job in life (so I’ve been led to believe or invented or what ever) is as support staff. I’m here to be the maid of honour, start the educational fund for my new nephew, clean the house, organize dad’s health care (cause I’m a nurse) and basically sublimate any needs or wants I have.
    Recently my father decided to take my brother away for the weekend the weekend after my birthday….when we would traditionally have had the “get together” for me. My mother actually told me I had to go tell dad it was ok for him to go away because he was feeling bad about missing my birthday.
    It’s no freakin wonder that I picked a man who ignores my needs. It’s actually a wonder I didn’t pick a worse one!

  17.  #17monalisa on August 17, 2009 at 5:39 am

    Hi Rori
    I wrote about my struggle with physical illness in another section ,suitable for that,but now Im going
    through all the other posts and your suggestions…they are simply great and such a eye openers!!
    no one in my entire life ,before taught me those relationship rules,certainly not my parents and immediate family ( they both are toxic to these days)
    and no good example to learn from.
    I came from home where abuse was daily norm so
    looking back as an adult I see emotiona,mental,physical,
    sexual and spiritual at its best..sorry!
    now in mid forties I not only have to struggle with accepting reality and my inability to pursue my dreams like career and crumbs of normal life but I realised
    that my whole life I was active codependent,not knowing why and from my reactions came???
    I still learn how to change my distorted midset and tell you ..its bloody hard!but at least Im conscious of that .
    Reading here posts about toxic men ,punishment and all other sorts of damaging thinking have been huge relief for me because I ve gone through such unhealthy
    relationships with men..its unbelievable what I ve put up with in the past!I was used,treated without total respect ,of course I always mistaken sex for love and
    was blaming myself for not being uble to trust ,to be open and feminine .I wasnt authentic too with men,out of fear of abandonment,simply because this is what I ve learnt at home: If you dont behave nicely we will not love you or you will be punished in some ways for you
    independence and opinions.Amazing! everything have a
    reason .So I started this pattern of being nice to men I was with and not causing any disagreement ,out of fear of being dumped,when they treated me less then I expected I was silent instead of confronting behaviour,
    some men wanted to control me but after some time I was running away from this relationships,I guess instinkt
    but never thought about resolving issues,talking about
    them without feeling guilt,guilt and shame is what I ve learnt at I feel much better because finally it downed on me that Im not seeing things properly,it is all distorted by my baggage from the past.
    Im on my way to get better,dont know exactly when,
    it takes probably years to get rid of old ways,but Im hopeful . So Rori,thank you for your post,they all
    are so helpul and full of promise of better life.
    I need to come to terms with my ill health and work on it with baby steps to free myself from sometimes narrowed thinking.Thank you Rori

  18.  #18Simply Shannon on August 17, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Tracy: You are my mirror right now. I feel exactly the same. Exactly.

    Jennifer: Last line of your post – ditto.

    Alias Girl: I respond to every email too! I feel so happy hearing that you do that as well. It’s a safe way for me to learn to say no. I struggle with it every time I write back with “I don’t feel a connection” or “I feel uncomfortable with long distances”. Like I’m cutting these potential men out of my life, which I am in a way, these are my boundaries. They keep me safe. I love your new belief system. I want one. 😉

  19.  #19Simply Shannon on August 17, 2009 at 6:37 am

    My little girl is in the backyard. She’s playing ball with her dad. He’s pushing her to try harder, to hit the damn ball. He says hit the ball right at my head and run girl. Run faster. He’s this big tall guy, and I’m this little wisp of girl who happens to be tall and strong too but not strong of heart. All she wants is love from her daddy. And she has no idea how to get it from him. He’s always there, always loyal, but never affectionate and she doesn’t believe she’s ever heard him say “I love you”.

    God, I feel so sad for that little girl. Trying harder, hitting the ball harder, running as fast as she can, being an A+ student, always being good. Can you see me daddy? Can you see me? I’m right here daddy.

    She is really hard to face. Imagining her hurts my heart. I want to believe that relationships aren’t work… that I can really have the man of my dreams and that he might actually love me with wild abandon for just being who I am.

    Eck. The protector inside of me is forcing this back down for now. I don’t feel strong enough to feel all of that right now. At least I found her. And that feels enough just this second.

  20.  #20Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 6:39 am

    I too have done the over functioning and it actually felt weird letting go….I feel amused at how i have hurt and taken myself for granted for such a long time….Something about this post made everything clearer for me….it makes a lot of sense now….
    I feel that i have to learn to receive love and affection in a sort of different way than i imagined…a way that feels good…its still new to me but this feels much better that before…

  21.  #21DocK on August 17, 2009 at 7:15 am

    SS: I hope it’s OK if I give your “little girl” a great, big hug. That’s tough. Daddy’s sometimes only knew certain ways to “connect” with their kids and it feels like he was doing that in the way he knew how.

    My dad, “Tata” (father in Polish) – was different when we were young. Not so affectionate or complimentary.

    “They” whoever they is say that people don’t change but I feel fortunate that my father is very complimentary now. He also has started saying, “I love you” to me and I have to be honest and say my first reaction was, ‘Geez, don’t start with that now,’ as I felt uncomfortable. A response inside of me that I felt shocked by!! I think he knows that if he doesn’t say this now, he never will have that chance and so I am over my initial reaction and feel grateful to get to hear him say this to me (and, actually, found the courage within myself to respond, ‘I love you too, Tata.’)

  22.  #22DocK on August 17, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Tracy, I feel grateful for the insights you are sharing and I also feel your healing resonating from deep within you. Thank U.

  23.  #23Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Rori: I think I’m going to meditate on this: “please consider what life would be like if you believed what I’ve written here.” I’ve been telling myself something lately and my head believes it, my heart believes it, but my gut just can’t seem to get on board with the rest of us. Meditation helps me so much and I’m thinking if I let my gut just imagine what it would be like if it believed what I’m saying…well…maybe that will help! Thank you!

    For those of you in or contemplating or not at all interested in LDRs: I know from experience they are hard, really, really hard. I also know that in my case it was worth it. I also know it was so hard I probably wouldn’t try it again with another man. I then wonder if that’s a good thought process to have because I know what I would have missed out on had I not been open to that with J. I doubt I’ll ever have to make that decision again, but…I wonder, if I did, would I be closed off to the idea? Hmmm…that’s a confusing process to follow…

    Much Love,

  24.  #24Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 7:56 am

    This has nothing to do with anything here, but I finally got a letter from my son and wanted to write it down. He’s in boot camp. I worry about him…but he sounds good and determined and proud. I can’t wait to see him again…I miss him so much!

  25.  #25DocK on August 17, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Mercedes, feel joy with you that you heard from your son. I hope you get to see him soon.

  26.  #26Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Awww…thanks DocK! I’ll see him on October 29th for family day and on October 30th for graduation. I’m sooo looking forward to that. For now, I’m just very relieved to have heard from him and to know he’s well. I stay away from all the internet sites that tell me/show me what Marine Corp boot camp is like. I’ve heard enough throughout my life and I feel like there’s only so much a mother needs to know. I got a letter from his senior drill sgt and he calls it “challening” training. I don’t think that’s probably the most fitting word for it, but I appreciate his willingness to cater to the needs of a mother…lol. I just want to say “Challening…how sweet” and believe that. Heehee.

    Much Love,

  27.  #27Aldonza on August 17, 2009 at 9:14 am

    If I like someone who winked at me, I’ll consider winking back. I *never* wink at someone because I don’t want him to be able to just wink back and then I’m forced to step forward.

    Long-distance…I don’t date people over an hour away from me. I want something long-term and distance impedes that. I also have kids and I’m not open to moving. Your situation may be different.

  28.  #28Symantha on August 17, 2009 at 9:44 am

    I just discovered this new post and feel amazed about the syncronicity when Rori writes about what’s going on in ou lives.

  29.  #29Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Thank you for the heads up….i actually feel that my mindset is shifting and though i feel a little scared i am hopeful and trying to take baby steps…..
    It does feel great to imagine a nice big hug from a loving dad…it makes me feel loved and cherished…
    I do feel that i have to go back to my past and hug the little girl and assure her that everything will be fine…and promise her that she’l always be loved and she deserves only the best….
    I feel more relieved and at peace….real love for self feels really good!

  30.  #30Symantha on August 17, 2009 at 11:18 am

    I want to stop myself! stop moaning about my situation, from feeling miserable when I know a have a LOT to take care about in my life.
    Is like right now, Im just home and I got a lot to do, to prepare stuff for my day tomorrow like food, what im gonna wear I mean, love myself but instead im trap in this painfull roaller coaster where all I can think why my ex-fiance now boyfriend is not pushing to be with me. How to I stop myself and focus on doing the things to TAKE CARE of myself?
    Any pills? jjjejejejeje

    I do really feel too much when reading all your post and never comment too much but now I just feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do in order tobe ‘in the moment’ and not having my head where ‘he is’ instead of where I am.
    I feel paranoic and obssesive and I afraid of realising that myself withut knowing the steps of getting out of that place.
    Any ideas?

  31.  #31Simply Shannon on August 17, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you Dock! My dad has had the exact same change as your Tata. He is very affectionate now and tells me he loves me and hugs me every time I see him. I guess I thought that part of me was healed since he has changed so much. But maybe not. I do know I’ve been searching for love in the arms of men all of my life. Any attention from a man or just mention of the word love was enough to send me over the moon for them.

    I thought I was getting to a better place since my divorce, but this whole situation with A has sent me into a tail-spin again. I’m having a hard time making peace with my feelings for him. I can’t decide if this is me growing up and learning to forgive or if I’m holding on to my old paradigm. This time feels so different than with my ex. I truly didn’t care with my ex. Yes I was hurt and devastated at first but I wanted him gone as soon as I found out about the phone calls. I didn’t even want to know if he had slept with anyone. Just wanted him gone. Any thoughts that I even entertained (fleetingly at best) was because of my kids and because I didn’t want to be “divorced”. It had nothing to do with what *I* really wanted.

    With A, I want him, even after knowing he slept with someone else. And that feels crazy to me. I still have these incredibly strong feelings. Ugh. I know I can move on. I know I would survive and could find someone better. I feel confused. But that’s okay right now. My confusion leads me to look deeper. At least I don’t feel so scared to look anymore. That’s something.

    I’m going to be talking to that little girl tonight. I want to open her eyes so that she sees the man in front of her (her daddy) who loves her and just doesn’t know how to say it.

  32.  #32Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Symi: You are beautiful and way authentic…I can tell that by your post. For me, when I need to take my focus off of him and put it on myself, I do yoga or meditate. I start with knowing I’m never going to be able to relax and move to relaxing in no time. Usually, I think it’s because I don’t fight my urge to think about him, instead, I allow myself to meditate on him. But…I change the meditation from the anxiety he’s causing me right now to a dream about the BEST outcome. Then…I switch it up and take HIM out of my new “best outcome dream” and put in an unknown hot guy who I’ve never met. I realize it’s all about using my imagination and creating a fantasy, but it’s MY fantasy and my dream and when I remove him from it and focus on me and hot guy…well…anxiety melts away and I can daydream and enjoy myself all day. J knows I do this (and he doesn’t like it), so I told him if he wants to keep hot fantasy guy out of my dreams then he needs to not do things that cause my anxiety. LOL

    Hope that helps some…I’m sure other sirens have wonderful ideas as well. Hang in there. I know what it feels like to have built up panic and anxiety over something a guy did/does/said/says. It’ll get better, I promise.

    Much Love,

  33.  #33Tina on August 17, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I’ll just say that I fall under the catagory of WORSE. I see many women and men everyday falling under WORSE. This is where I come in. They could tell me their WORSE and it wouldnt shock me on bit. I respect and honor all the women here, you are my teachers. This subject is so loaded. Thats all I can seem to say right now. Good stuff!

  34.  #34Simply Shannon on August 17, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Mercedes: I loved what you told J. 🙂 I like your version of meditation. Sounds like a great way to ease anxiety. I may try that tonight too.

  35.  #35Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Thanks Shannon! That poor man…I tell him EVERYTHING! LOL Makes me wonder why he still likes me.

    I asked him once if he still liked me (it was during a particularly goofy moment of mine and I was being totally annoying) and he said “Yes. You make me introspective.” I said “What do you mean by that?” He said “I’m looking inside myself all the time to find out WHY I still like you.” lol. Now…when the other is being a goof, all we have to say is “You make me introspective” and we’re both laughing our butts off! 🙂

    Much Love,

  36.  #36Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    doing Wendi Friesen’s live video show (Free) to get me wealth building and be hypnotized online…at

  37.  #37Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    watching Wendi Friesen’s video show (free) online … to build wealth and get hypnotized online


  38.  #38Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    whats going on . my posts not showing up?

  39.  #39Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    watching Wendi Friesen’s video show (free) online… she’s hypnotizing people for Wealth Building

  40.  #40Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    urrger burger

    tryna post the link but wont work gerbers

  41.  #41Daria on August 17, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    well i was tryna link something about Wendi Friesen’s free hypnosis course on wealth building. It was actually my affiliate link although i don’t get paid for it, its just a raffle, but i was practicing because i’m working on a e-business where I’m doing affiliate marketing…

    remember how that used to gross me out? well its actually fun… check out

    Justin put me on this!

    and ok…

    you guys im gonna be a healer! I can feel it now… my life is really starting to feel like it can be healed… i went ahead and scheduled an amazing (i know it will be amazing) session tonite….

    oh… and i just listened to this sample and felt the way i want to feel… ALIVE… I am alive!! God I’m gonna land on Earth, root up and feel the juice again… i feel so thankful… geez this has been a long journey for me…
    listen to this sample of love attunement, it brought me back to the Alive feeling

    you know all those things i wanted to do but thought i couldnt… well i will! wanting to do them means i can and well… am supposed to… its good for me to! I will sing, i will dance i will make music and tell stories and love and have a glowing aura of joy that people will be melted by… omgosh

    really listen to that recording… omgosh

  42.  #42Daria on August 17, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I am dancing to this ladys music… it feels so flowing through me.. she has the cd on her page and you can listen to the full tracks on there

  43.  #43Daria on August 17, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I didn’t mean to dance its happening

  44.  #44Jennifer on August 17, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    I went to councilling today. Councilling lady says that I need to find time/stratagies to take care of myself. To “parent” myself. She’s WAY right. I almost never do that. Especially on an emotional level. I just stand around and take the toxic sludge into me. That feels bad. And nauseating.
    My boyfriend came home today from the base. His leave started sat but he came home today. Friday I was on the phone crying because my mother called me a financial cluster-f**k. But he felt the need to stay away until today. Then when I saw him today I was so exhausted from my work (in 40 degree weather with no air conditioning and running my butt off) that I didn’t have the whereforall to say how I felt. I took an iced tea and sat for a while and then went home.
    But then….I called him later after a rest and said the plans for my B-day were messed up by my mother ( go-figure) and he said he planned his leave around my birthday so he had all week. I said I needed help to move out of my parent’s house and he said of course.
    I feel more loved and supported now. I dont’ have to worry about my birthday ( which has been a source of stress in th past) and I can get some help to move.
    I feel calmer, I feel lighter. I feel saner.

  45.  #45Daria on August 17, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    My imperfections show where i’ve been and what i have been through. They inspire awe.

    I am at home because I am protecting my parents.

    I feel good. my body feels so good, i feel warm in my joints

  46.  #46Daria on August 17, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    My attractive man is writing me.

  47.  #47Nancy on August 17, 2009 at 6:22 pm


    Thanks for posting the link and the stories. I had a great experience reading them and remebered that, when I was 3 or 4, a cadet (my dad was a doctor at West Point and we lived there) friend of my parents’ sat out on our porch with me on a sunny evening, looked at me and told me he was going to marry me when I grew up. He was just trying to be nice and had no ill intent, but unfortunately, I believed him. Maybe that experience created a string of broken, unfulfilled relationships for me… with men who talk the talk only. I followed through with the exercise and went back to hold her and talk to her. Thanks for the healing opportunity!

  48.  #48Linda G on August 17, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    My first boyfriedn when I was in High school was very dramatic. He was horribly jealous and possessive, cheated whenever he could and had an awful temper.He gave me a black eye when I caught him in bed with another girl. he had transfered colleges to be with me. In fact the last time I saw him, I just missed getting hit with a beer mug that broke a plate glass door.
    all this emotional drama trained me to think a man had to fight with me if he loved me. And I get stuck on unavailable guys, am comfortable begging and pining for them way too long after the obvious end. I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a year and a half. Not even my marriage.
    High school was over 30 years ago, and it’s taken me all this time, with working hard with rori’s tools and advice to actually figure it out. Hopefully soon I will have a relationship that is good and that lasts.

  49.  #49Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    How do you manage to assimilate what the mind thinks,what the heart wants and what the gut is telling you…..I feel that i have problems with this and it create alot of disharmony within me…..i feel unsettled…
    A simple example would be…i tell myself i need to wake up early,the alarm goes off….i remember what i told myself,but the feeling and drive is not there….
    same case applies with other aspects of my life….a part of me wants to do something that is good and the other doesn’t…..i feel confused about which part wants what….does meditation help with this?

  50.  #50Rori Raye on August 17, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    Wow – Tracy – what an incredible question! Here’s my take: everything in your comment is from the head – what you need to do, what’s ‘good” – try getting more in touch with how you feel and what FEELS good. At night, one thing might feel good, and in the morning another thing might feel good. Try following your good feelings around for a few days, and really notice what resistance you’re putting up. If nothing lights your fire — you are in need of a boost of passion. We need to help you find what floats your boat, what turns you on…what you want your life to be about…and to have fun with it…Love, Rori

  51.  #51Rori Raye on August 17, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Linda, Thank you for your powerful story — it really makes this whole “pattern” thing so clear. And I KNOW you will get what you want. Love, Rori

  52.  #52Tracy on August 17, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    Thanks for the response.I only started listening to feelings when i stumbled on this blog and i feel that i have made such a huge change in my life.I guess the conflict comes from my past habit of always wanting to think and analyze all my situations and neglect or ignore my feelings surrounding the situation…so i feel bad about a situation going on with my life but my mind agrees with the decision i have made…the conflict created is what causes the anxiety that really bugs….I’ll do more of going with my feelings and following what feels good for me…Thanks…

  53.  #53Erika on August 17, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    hey Bethany,

    Thanks so much for the props. Our session did indeed feel very powerful to me, and the way that you described the intuitive links that you’re now making between the past and the present really feels spot on. When I started seeing those connections, the past really started to lose its power over me.

    I’m intrigued that you noted that you’re not getting paid to recommend me because I’ve noticed a bit of guilt in myself lately at the idea that I would get paid for endorsing products. It seems rather silly but that’s the feeling.

    An example is Holosync meditation. I’ve been using it for two years and recommending it to others for nearly all that time without making a dime. Yet when I considered putting an affiliate link on my blog, all these worry thoughts came: “will I lose my credibility if people think I’m just trying to make money recommending this?” “is it somehow impure to recommend something and also make money off of it?” My logical brain knows this is silly because there are so many products I could endorse. Why endorse anything I don’t truly, sincerely believe in? But my emotional mind doesn’t quite get that. I’m going to tap on it to integrate my logical and emotional minds.

    And that leads me to Tracy’s question, about the alarm going off and her not feeling like getting up. What I hear in that is a “should” thought, which is really a mask for an inner conflict (which could be cleared with EFT). Part of me thinks I should get up early, and another part of me really doesn’t want to.

    I am completely on board with Rori’s advice to look to feelings rather than logic, but for me personally I wasn’t able to do that until I cleared a whole lot of mental spaghetti by using EFT. I had such a wall up around my heart that a Reiki healer a couple of years ago said my heart was pristine but entirely empty (“there’s no one in there”).

    And this leads me back to Bethany’s comment about not “thinking our way out of things.” Yeah, we can’t solve emotional problems by “figuring them out.” But what I have found DOES work, with the help of EFT, is understanding the relationship of our thoughts and our feelings, and like Bethany says, getting an intuitive “map” of how everything is functioning as a whole.

    EFT erases the icky thoughts that go with the icky feelings. That’s all I know. All I know is I FEEL better, and no advice anyone gave me got me to that place until I started using EFT. My mind (Rori knows this) used to be an endless string of egoic mind chatter. Now it is silent a good part of the time, and only speaks up when I really have something to say. The self-judgment and self-blame is almost gone. The logic is gone, and what I’m left with is intuition. You can call it “thinking,” but that doesn’t feel accurate to me.

    To me, pure intuition is thinking that has become integrated with feeling. It doesn’t make any mistakes. And it functions, always, for the higher good of everyone involved in a situation.

    Intuition also seems to eliminate the need to do a lot of logical thinking to achieve goals. For example, following pure intuition, I attracted a lot of traffic to my blog without ever doing any marketing, advertising, or “SEO optimization.”

    I believe that’s because intuition links us to the Infinite Intelligence, which makes reliance on all those logical things pretty much obsolete.

  54.  #54tina on August 18, 2009 at 2:06 am

    I used to feel like I was pretty flexible until I dug out my yoga dvd. I remember a compliment someone gave me a long time ago, he watched me walk across the street and he said “you move like a dancer.” we became friends, we lived in the same block when I lived in the city. I believe that was the first compliment I received from a male that didn’t feel like a come on.

  55.  #55Jennifer on August 18, 2009 at 3:55 am

    I too have the holosynch program…but it irritates the heck outta me to listen to it. Any advice?

  56.  #56Linda G on August 18, 2009 at 5:16 am

    Tracy, Mama Gena has an inspirational post today:

    Create a desire list. Write down everything you want, from the tiniest desire to the most lavish.

    Maybe this is a good place to start, for all of us.

  57.  #57Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Tracy: I agree 100% with Rori. This is all about your feelings and when you’re feeling good and when you’re feeling bad. I used to do the alarm thing all the time. Literally, almost every day. Now, if I need to, I can set the alarm for 4:00am and just get up when it goes off. I almost never hit snooze because when the alarm goes off, I know that means it’s time to get up and I do. Meditation and yoga have helped soooo much with this. I like to use them both together (but that took lots of practice because at first, every time the instructor would tell us to change position, I would lose my focus…now it’s very fluid for me). When I’m meditating, I’m totally into my feelings…I feel everything and I meditate on where those feelings are coming from and I focus on what I want in my life in order to feel good. As an added bonus, when I do it with yoga, I’m not only getting a great workout, but I’m also able to feel the feelings in my body (my muscles) as well. It’s been amazing. After discovering yoga, I’ve soooo much more been able to relax.

    For me, I love it so much that I tend to do it twice a day (once in the morning at the gym and once at night before I go to bed) but even two or three times a week is helpful. I do know that if I were to only do it once a day, I would do it at night. After meditation, I feel so relaxed and good. It really helps me get a good night’s sleep.

    Much Love,

  58.  #58Erika on August 18, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Yeah actually I second Mercedes’ point about meditation, for slightly different reason. After I started using Holosync, my need for sleep dropped, and I started spontaneously getting up earlier. I still set an alarm just in case but usually wake up way before it goes off.

    My interpretation of the irritation would be that it’s just yet another form of the ego’s resistance to change. I don’t know that for sure, that’s just my intuition.

  59.  #59Tracy on August 18, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Thank you for the response….I feel that my walls are coming down and it feels great that i am making progress…i feel like a small child learning to walk and at times even acknowledging my own feelings feels weird.
    I still have stuff i need to work through and i can finally begin to notice the patterns and how i have neglected my own self for a long time…i feel that my vibe has really changed…now i am working on uncovering my past and learning to understand and process my own feelings…You did mention something about using your own feelings and intuition to guide you through and that is exactly where i’d want to be..

    I am really glad you mentioned something about meditation because i am trying the same thing.Only that i can’t quite get past the thoughts and stories going on in my head to the feelings part…I feel confused about this….

    This would be my list of things i desire..
    To start my own business
    to have a lovely home with a quiet garden where i can take walks
    To be happy and peaceful and authentic to everyone i interact with
    To have a relationship that starts off as friendship and grows to something deeper and real….and finally marriage
    I want an engagement ring that has emerald rock and two diamonds on either side..
    I want my whole family there on my wedding day…
    I want to live in the countryside…..and own a small simple car.
    I want to teach others to have better relationships with themselves and others…i want to share all that i’ve learnt…at least that’s all i can come up with for now….

  60.  #60Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Tracy: That took some time for me as well. For me, I either turn my story into a dream and focus on the dream or I’ll focus on me being some place that is incredibly peaceful and sometimes romantic. I really meditate on putting myself there and go into my body to discover how I’m feeling. I feel the peacefulness in my tummy and chest and fingertips. I focus on a specific area of my body in that situation and how my body feels. Like I said, it takes time but once you get there, it can really become a beautiful second nature.

    Much Love,

  61.  #61Jennifer on August 18, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    I feel so furious and so good at the same time. Boyfriend is home. We went out for lunch today and he started off the conversation by giving me a hard time about an email I sent him. I sent him one with an attached pic of me in the gawd awful bride’s maid dress I have for my sister’s wedding. I told him that this was part of the reason I was hoping he’d be able to come home for the wedding so that if I had to look like an A**hole at least I’d be able to have someone at my back.
    Apparently he can’t come home for the wedding and told me I need to get used to that idea. I calmly explained that I was really asking for support. I heard him when he said he would be away and I wounldn’t tell him I was happy about it…but I did understand it.
    Then I started talking about going to the coucilling lady to help me learn some tools to help me deal with my mother who is difficult.
    He snapped at me that “That’s the way it is and you better just get used to it.”
    I started to feel sore in my solar plexus and could not figure out what it was (I acutally thought it might be indigestion) I took him home and was driving to see a client when it snapped into focus. I was PISSED OFF!!!!!
    I pulled the car over and called him on the cell. I yelled!
    I said “It’s rediculous for you to tell me to get used to having an unsupportive mother. I feel dismissed and unsupported and PISSED OFF! I don’t ever want to hear that from you again!”
    He said he was sorry and I hung up.
    I was supposed to get him when I was done but I called him from the office and told him I’m still annoyed, sad, dissapointed and turned off. I am hesitant to spend time with him because I feel so sad. I asked what does he think and he said he didn’t know what to do. He can’t get out of the house right now.
    So I told him I’m coming home, he can come and see me when he can get away if he wants to.
    I feel very strong. I stood up for myself and kept my barriers. I had a bit of a delayed reaction but got down into my feeling and took care of myself.
    Yeah for me!

  62.  #62Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Jennifer: I’m so happy for you that you were able to tap into your anger. For me, it took a long time. I would get sad and feel hurt, but once I found my anger, I was able to set strong (as in steel reinforced) boundaries and that changed everything for me. Happy for you!

    Much Love,

  63.  #63Rori Raye on August 18, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Whoa – yayyy! rori

  64.  #64Linda G on August 18, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Tracy, perhaps our motivation each day is to get closer to those things we desire.

  65.  #65Erika on August 18, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I’m with Mercedes on that one. Really feeling and loving my anger made it possible to walk away from situations that weren’t serving me without feeling regret or having second thoughts.

    It allowed me to say “no” in a decisive, powerful way.

  66.  #66Jennifer on August 18, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    more fantastic power. I went out for coffee/cake with boyfriend. I told him I wanted to talk about what had happened today.
    I told him that saying “get used to it” felt alot like “suck it up it’s what you deserve”. He seemed pretty shocked that I would feel that way. He denies thinking that.
    I told him that I have been working with councilling lady to help me deal with the utter lack of support from my family. I am getting tools to work with that, because I have to deal with them, they’re my parents. I do NOT however have to deal with no support from him.
    I absolutely HAVE to have support. From him. On an emotional level.
    I explained that the military life is not only hard on him doing the training…it’s hard on me too. Because he’s gone so much.
    He knows this apparently. His buddy’s wife is losing her ever loving mind and he’s only been in 5 months. Boyfriend has been in a year.
    He tried to pawn me off with the old “I never know what to say” line. I explained he’s a smart man, he can figure it out, like google it or something.
    But I MUST have some support. Non-negotiable. I also laid out the idea that if he feels he cannot do this, let me know. I can find someone who will. Because I have realized through coucilling and this forum (eternally grateful girls) that what I want is not excessive. Really. Despite what my mother tells me and the messages I get from boyfriend. Expecting some kind words while I’m upset and feeling down is *not* expecting too much.
    He seems pensive.

  67.  #67heather on August 18, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    Speaking of addiction to pain … I am watching a program called “More to Love”. A spinoff on “the bachelor” — this program is the same concept for “plus” sizes. Right now, they are in the “elimination” section of this program. It feels painful to me to watch these women publicly go through this… they are clearly struggling with jealousy, anger and uncertainty. Whereas, it’s supposed to enable the plus size women to have more self-esteem, in some ways, it seems to create the opposite effect. I feel furious to see this, and the bachelor’s explanations to each of them “you knew when you signed up for this that I was going to be dating more than one woman”…. I felt like slapping him. Just had to get this out of my system.

    on the other hand, I feel really encouraged from reading this blog tonight. Linda G: Wow, thank you for sharing your history and background and more power to you to find a fulfilling and happy relationship straight away. The Mama Gena books are SO fun, and that desire list really works! The desire list can be extended to a wishing board with photos, pictures, images.

    Erika / Jennifer, I never tried holosynch, but have heard a lot about it. Does it take a long time to adopt it into your routine? Definitely want to explore EFT more and more. Mercedes: Yay for yoga! Have practiced it for more than 20 years, and what you wrote is SO true,it allows you to feel your body very intimately and also get a great workout of the mind and body alike.

    There is so much to this blog post… about addiction to pain and the patterns that keep us there. I still notice patterns in my long-term (6yrs) relationship sometimes… then when I catch myself noticing these patterns, I can feel my man paying attention because something somehow shifts in me.

    Who am I, Who do I want to be, How will I become who I want to be?, and “How will I become who I want to be?”

    Anyway, I’m starting to feel myself ramble here. Need to rest now… here’s to desire lists!


  68.  #68Rori Raye on August 18, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Jennifer – the Whoa, yaayy was for you! Rori

  69.  #69Bethany on August 18, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I feel so weird. I feel so bad at this circular dating thing. The only guys who are contacting me are from out of state, and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t see guys at the gym to talk to…maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I could go to the bar, but I’ve been several times and no one but old guys talk to me. I went to an after-hours business event tonight and no one but women talked to me. I feel so lonely. I feel so weird because I’m going to see Christopher this weekend in a town 3 hours away, and I feel weird that I agreed to drive there–his band is playing at a wedding, and I’m his “date” although it means he’ll be playing when I get there and then helping the other guys load up their van and so I’ll be waiting for him to do that…then we’re going to this town for a party where he’s going to introduce me to the editor of a magazine that I could maybe write for. Then on Saturday his band is doing a music video, and I was going to take that time to interview some people for my book–then we’re going to ANOTHER town so he can do interviews for a magazine story he’s writing (for the people throwing the party). If I could make some writing contacts, this is a good deal for me. I just feel weird and angry that I have to drive so far. I just feel angry for DOING something…I don’t know I just feel frustrated and angry and I wonder if this is just my painful pattern playing itself out for the umpteenth time in another scenario. I feel my body shaking and I’m crying really hard. This feels so hard. I always feel powerless–why do I feel powerless? I don’t know. I EXPECT to feel powerless…I just tried some EFT on myself and I cried out some really strong sadness, I don’t remember the last time I cried this hard…I feel calmer. I guess I am using Christopher as a way to feel powerless–and all these memories I’ve been writing down since my EFT session completely feed into that pattern. Well, being born is a powerless trauma: you have no control. Then, when I was little, I remember my parents had a Russian friend, Aleksandr, who came to visit and kept asking me to kiss him on the cheek–he and my parents thought it was a joke, and I suppose it was innocent, but I didn’t want to. Then, there was the time my mom broke my headband because I was playing with her lipstick–yelled in my face (lack of boundaries, disapproval, mishandling of anger). Then, I remember being in dance class and being my outgoing self, when another girl told me her dad said I was an annoying brat, and I ran to the dressing room to cry (disapproval). Then, I remember being in 2nd grade and HATING math and couldn’t figure out a problem my teacher was showing me, and she put her hands around my neck and shook me and said “You are SO stubborn!” And even after I told my parents and they told the principal, nothing happened and the teacher wasn’t talked to or anything (powerlessness, disapproval, mishandling of anger). Then, I remember the bus driver yelled at me to sit down one day, and I felt really embarrassed, and as I was getting off the bus he apologized and kind of patted my stomach, in a grandfatherly way, then some older boys yelled at me, “so when’s the baby coming?” and I felt really ashamed (powerlessness). Then, when I was 11, I remember seeing my parents’ marriage be really scary and my mom telling me my dad was having sex with other women and all the screaming she did (mishandling of anger, powerlessness, men can’t be trusted, I’m not enough). She even kicked our dachshund down the steps, and when I called her a bitch, she threw him at me (physical violence). There were two boyfriends I had in college who brandished knives at me, and one who was very controlling. So, it makes sense that I would recreate powerlessness in my relationships. I don’t know. This feels really weird writing, and I don’t want people to judge me and I feel embarrassed, but it feels like I finally understand how these things all affect me now. I get into bad situations with guys and let them have all the power until I get to a point where I guess I don’t want it anymore, but then it happens again…I know Rori says it’s pointless to go back and dig up old things. I guess it just helps to know that there’s nothing “wrong” with me, I’m just exactly how I should be given my background. I really really really want to make it up all differently. Thank you for writing this post, Rori. It has been an egg-cracking thing for me.

  70.  #70Bethany on August 18, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    I also just remembered that I always felt like I had to be okay with my dad having all the power and with him ignoring me–dad’s working hard, he’s never around that much, whenever we do family things, we have to do what dad wants (usually hiking–maybe that’s why I HATE hiking now), and he didn’t have much of a relationship with me when I was a teenager-he was busy with other things and he even coached a varsity girls’ soccer team that I didn’t qualify for–he spent more time with other girls in my grade than he did with me. And it all just seemed “normal,” and I thought I was a pretty good daughter for never complaining, I was praised for “not being demanding” like my brother, whose Christmas list was always twice as long as mine. I learned good girls don’t ask for what they want, and they have to settle for crumbs and inattention from a man. That’s how I feel now with Christopher–he’s busy doing other things and I’m not a priority, and I don’t even know what I want or don’t want (although I’m learning) let alone how to assert that with a boundary, so it all makes sense. I’m not a victim of cruel fate or unbreakable chemistry or just a loser in love, I’m just hiring men to fulfill my version of reality. Wow. It’s not THEM, it’s me. The answer to the question, “Why am I here?” seems to be that I don’t know how to be anywhere else. That feels weird. If Christopher was a guy who was just crazy about me and following me around and wanted me all to himself, would I feel as wrapped up in him? I don’t think I would. So now that I get to make it up differently and unmake all this old stuff, I feel dubious about shifting away from this perspective–I am aware of my resistance. Just thinking about the possibility that I CAN make it up anyway I want has my voice trying to stomp that out. But I love that voice, it’s just a loyal, dutiful voice that’s only doing its job. I feel compassion for myself. I feel sad and happy and hopeful and scared all at the same time. I feel like doing EFT and going to bed early.

  71.  #71Bethany on August 18, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    You know what’s weird? My dad bought me a hammer and said “here, beat yourself over the head with this instead of a guy.” Ha!

  72.  #72Bethany on August 18, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    Everyone, thanks for tips about “winks” –Shannon, I like your system of winking back if you like the profile and not initiating, that feels intuitive. I feel compelled to still e-mail them back even if there’s no chance of meeting them for “practice” but then I wonder if I’m just manifesting guys who live far away because I feel terrified out of my mind? I don’t know.

    Oh! AND since my goal is to move to the Twin Cities after the new year, maybe I could get on that network? I’d meet tons more guys and even if I couldn’t meet them right away, it would be a base, maybe? Or maybe with such a long time between communication and meeting in person it would build up expectations too much?

    Erika, I felt compelled to preface my comments with an “I’m not getting paid…” and I don’t know why. I didn’t mean to imply that you were less credible and would be paying me.

    Jennifer, I feel impressed by you owning your anger. I feel inspired.

  73.  #73Tracy on August 18, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    I also tried EFT just yesterday…..It felt weird and at first i didn’t feel anything then suddenly i was crying and all these emotions came over me…I felt as though there was a part of me inside that was talking to me…through my emotions…then my mind flashed to my childhood and memories came up that formed a sort of pattern that linked to my present situation with my relationship…..
    I really cried….the emotions were overwhelming and how a simple tapping can cause all that is beyond me…
    I made peace with the little girl inside of me and i acknowledged her fears and disappointments….I Feel glad that i was also able to meditate a little after that…
    My head feels clear now and i feel that i am slowly uncovering stuff i have inside of me….
    Its there,that i am certain but the walls are beginning to fall….Everything i have learnt from Rori and everyone else is making sense now…I can feel my anger i can feel my disappointment i can feel my frustrations i can feel my vibe changing…i have also started feeling my intuition telling me to do something over the other…..
    I’ll say it again,this post finally opened my eyes…

  74.  #74Simply Shannon on August 18, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Bethany: We are sisters, you and me. I feel you moving forward right along with me. This part I really liked and feel the same:

    I am aware of my resistance. Just thinking about the possibility that I CAN make it up anyway I want has my voice trying to stomp that out. But I love that voice, it’s just a loyal, dutiful voice that’s only doing its job. I feel compassion for myself. I feel sad and happy and hopeful and scared all at the same time.

    You are moving forward right now. Have faith. Baby steps. I’m here with you. Shannon

  75.  #75Tracy on August 18, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I guess for i was looking for the pattern that always led me to painful experiences…its all linked to my past…its all there…i feel that my goal is tomake peace with that…and find a new path that feels good for me…It feels good to have a goal…

  76.  #76Daria on August 18, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Godesses… I am getting ready to work with this lady next week… I just saw her other website now and I feel floored and hopeful…

    I am quoting an excerpt and will post the link…

    ‘You could suffer from “Missing Mother Syndrome” if you experience most of the following conditions on a regular basis. And yes, even if your mother has been physically present:

    You feel lost, out of place, and unsafe in this world

    There is an underlying sadness in your life, even if nothing is wrong

    You tend to feel lonely and depressed, especially at other people’s “Happy Family” gatherings

    You hate your body or are unsure about “being a woman”

    You have abandonment or anger issues that hurt your relationships

    You experience social stress – you either try to stay invisible, or you have a compulsion to be in the limelight

    Any major crisis in your life, like a divorce, job loss, or bereavement, throws you right back into the painful past

    There is a lot of fear, anxiety, or even guilt and shame in your life

    You feel homesick without knowing where “home” is

    You are trying too hard to be happy and “perfect”

    You take rejection very personally

    You believe that everybody else gets their act together
    – except for you’

    I had 10 out of 12. My mom was ill with depression since we moved to America when I was 8.

    I am going to work with this lady, she does EFT.

  77.  #77Bethany on August 18, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Shannon, it felt really good to read what you wrote. You’re my getting-stronger sister! I feel like as I get stronger somehow that makes it easier for you to get stronger and as you get stronger it makes it easier for me. I also feel inspired by your circular dating prowess 🙂 and just so amazed at how you had the gumption to turn things around for yourself. Big hugs.

    Tracy…yeah, you said it perfectly. You have no idea that emotion was inside you, even if you’ve been able to dip into your soup before, it’s just really strong…then all these things rearrange to give you a roadmap of what the hell is going. I feel so happy for you, just…happy for you to have the peace you can take from it.

    Daria, Oh my God…I am 12 out of 12. I feel like I “lost” my mom when she told me about my dad’s affairs when I was 11…it was like she brought me up to her level or came down to mine and we were “equals,” in a sense, except I needed a mom and not to be treated like an adult and not to be given all that information. Daria, I feel for you, having a depressed mother…I know for me it just felt well, powerless and awful to not be able to help my mom. I don’t know if you felt anything like that, but I want you to know I feel compassion for you being so strong, new to the United States and all that, and you sound so strong on the blog…you’re a true survivor–I feel inspired by you.

  78.  #78Karen on August 18, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    Daria, thank you so much for the link to EFT!! I feel like this might be the miracle I have been looking for! You are wonderful! I just downloaded the free manual and can’t wait to try it. I scored 12 out of 12 on the assessment. BTW, is it rude of me to ask where you and your mother moved to America from?
    Jennifer, you rock!
    Bethany, could your dad buy me a hammer, too? LOL

  79.  #79Daria on August 19, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Karen… we moved from Romania. And I am here in Romania for a month right now!

  80.  #80Daria on August 19, 2009 at 12:32 am

    PS – thank you Bethany and Karen. I feel really appreciated and understood which feels really good! Bethany I definitely thought of you and what you were saying when I posted that, I got the feeling you would resonate with it too.

    Feeling really in the middle of a tight scared place that is relaxing righ tnow. Got a call from my dad about a letter that I owe 10,000 for helping out an old friend that well /I was in love with. I know all he has to do is take care of some things, and now he had been contacting me and assuring me he is taking care of them, and I pretty much know he will and I won’t have to pay the 10,000, but when I got that phonecall from my dad I tensed up so hard i got a vortex in my heart and pain down to my lower back, and I felt it really strong and am tryna relax out of it now. I had been trying to hide from my family that I helped my friend because I did not want to be criticized or them to worry and now well they found out. But I feel glad my mom told my dad that if I said not to worry about it then dont. And also I was getting overwhelm thoughts like Im ready to die if this kinda struggle doesnt end soon, I do not want to die and am not tryna commit suicide or anything. I think Im doing really well healing myself and you know sometimes the pain stuff comes UP right now! Its just that before I would shut it down!

    I noticed I feel so uncomfortable around my mom when she is not feeling well… I feel so on edge and terrified and Angry. Furious, like I’m waiting to get slapped or attacked… I am looking forward to healing all this stuff…

    BTW did you guys check out the link to the Song Healer page?

    I felt alive after hearing her songs I cried and felt so healed, I felt like I was really moving like the earth and trees.

    The next day I relistened but didnt have the same effect, I guess the magic had been done.

  81.  #81Daria on August 19, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Karen… that is how I feel reading the page too… also she has another page, also inspiring and magical, I will be a new happy purposeful person soon hehe… but keeping all the good stuff of course!

    Letting go of the bad, keeping the good, having my cake and eating it too.

    PS – I am finding a lot of healers also have limiting beliefs, about money about what can be accomplished, etc, yet they can still be wonderful healers.

    For example I told the lady from the site that my dream was to heal my family first, but they seem to resist my efforts, and she said that in her experience that’s what happens, we can heal the people who Want to be healed and come to us.

    Sounds accurate, But I want to HEAL MY FAMILY. And I know I can have whatever I want. So will do… so happy to be freeing myself, but gosh this stuff is kinda like working out, I’m ready for rest right now.

  82.  #82Tracy on August 19, 2009 at 12:57 am

    I am actually a bit excited about uncovering and going deep into my feelings however sad they are…I don’t feel scared anymore and my goal is to let go of all these hang ups i have of my past and reconcile myself with them…

    Wow Daria,I scored 12 out of 12….interesting.thanks for sharing that..Well for me i am the firstborn and my dad past away a while back and my mum had to leave the country and work elsewhere so i had to take care of myself and 5 siblings…
    I used to feel that sometimes i had to be a mother to my siblings and my own mother….It was tough and i guess along the way i lost direction of my own life.
    I don’t feel any regrets and i don’t blame my mum or anyone else…i feel that the experience has made me stronger and i have learnt a lot from it…At least i feel confident that i can manage a family both financially and emotionally from what i had to deal with my siblings…so it was for the best…i do believe that…
    I have learnt however to delegate and not consume myself with everyone’s problems and neglect my own…
    I feel that out of everything i had to do….i left myself out and my life reflected that….and now i am going back and i want to change that..i want to make it better….

  83.  #83Erika on August 19, 2009 at 1:42 am

    Daria, it’s so true — healers have limiting beliefs too. I still see them in myself and in other healers and coaches. So what to look for is someone who can see clearly enough to help YOU.

    And that goes back to Bethany’s comment. Yeah, B., I didn’t take it as a comment about me, I just noticed when I read the “not getting paid” comment that I, too, still have some limiting beliefs about what’s ok to receive money for. So your comment helped me by illuminating that. I’m constantly noticing new sets of limiting beliefs to erase, fortunately now I have a very effective system for erasing them. 🙂

    Heather, I found Holosync to be easy to integrate into my daily routine, but I mostly listen to it while I’m doing other things (such as right now) and right before bed/while I’m asleep.

    One thing Holosync did for me is to slow down my thoughts. That’s why I’m now so good at noticing my limiting beliefs. There’s space between my thoughts, so beliefs don’t seem “true” and “inevitable,” there’s space for me to notice the thoughts and decide whether they are really serving me or not. If they don’t serve me anymore, I apply my EFT system for erasing them.

  84.  #84Erika on August 19, 2009 at 1:46 am

    It all works very nicely together. I pay close attention to all my feelings. If I feel ickiness, I notice what thought I was having in that moment. Often a guilt thought or an anger thought or a hopelessness thought, etc. Then I apply my EFT system.

    If I feel confusion, indecision, frustration, I notice the thoughts going through my head that are in conflict with each other. I use my EFT system to let all aspects of the inner conflict be heard. Then the inner conflict usually disappears and I feel peaceful about that issue, or I suddenly have a clear intuition about exactly what I want to do or say in a previously unresolved situation.

  85.  #85Jennifer on August 19, 2009 at 4:12 am

    Thanks for the encouragement Sirens! It feels fantastic to have some support.
    I actually had a panic attack last week for the first time. Wow…did that ever suck! I got thinking about it last night. I was talking to my sister about the rotten day I’d had with my mother. She had a look on her face like “oh for god’s sake…not this again”.
    This from a woman who is bridezilla right now. Every little wedding whim MUST be filled. And I’m getting eye rolling because I got yelled AT?!?!!??!!??!
    I did some EFT around this. I am very thankful for EFT.
    I am also doing some EFt around moving out of my parent’s house into a house with a girlfriend. Her house is kinda cluttered (she has two small kids) and I’m feeling stuck about that. She has kind of a chaotic life, she just threw out her deadbeat boyfriend and is feeling overwhelmed. I’m moving there because the rent is cheap and the idea is that we can support each other.
    Hopefully today i can get myself straightened out.
    The weather here has been too hot to move entirely. I have been moving boxes here and there. But the weather is supposed to be good today so I want to move the rest of my things to her house.
    Boyfriend said he’d help me. I’m trying to keep my needs on this to a minimum. I recognize that he’s on vacation right now.
    Any way… time for some EFT.

  86.  #86Jennifer on August 19, 2009 at 4:26 am

    ok…feeling clearer. I am visualizing the fall (my favorite time of the year). Sam and I are back from the farmer’s market with veggies and fish. We are making tomato sauce together with peppers and garlic and onion. Slow roasted in the oven to make it really rich. The air is crisp. It’s time for cozy jackets and sweaters (did I mention I HATE the heat?) We are leaving for Christmas shopping trip tomorrow, plenty of extra cash for that. We are doing some baking and cookies and pies.
    Fuzzy slippers. Happy babies with jam on thier faces. Teaching Andrew (her 6 year old) to stir the sauce.
    Cool breezes, colourfull leaves. Crisp nights with clear skies and plenty of stars!
    OHHHH….I feel soo excited!

  87.  #87Tracy on August 19, 2009 at 5:47 am

    I did a bit of digging up and i feel that i am really scared of failure…so much that i keep attracting it over and over again..and all my relationships have been centered around this..always scared and anxious about losing the person…I felt that if i lost the person then i had lost everything…..I feel amused at all these….
    My earliest memory of these is when i was young and i had these final exams and i was so scared of how i was going to perform…i guess my fear worked out negatively and i did not do well….I remember my dad was so disappointed and i felt really bad about it…I don’t feel that i really got over these and to counteract the fear i would be pessimistic about situations with the hope that the opposite would happen but it never changed….
    I feel that failure,it feels almost like a sense of powerlessness and it feels like i have no control over situations…I feel that for most of my relationships i was so scared of getting the real thing that i never really opened up for the fear of getting disappointed……

  88.  #88Erika on August 19, 2009 at 8:17 am


    I just did another EFT session with a client, and it amazes me how quickly someone can go from obsessing about something and going around and around in circles in their head (maybe for months or years) to a HUGE emotional shift where they feel compassion for themselves and others and like whatever it was is “no big deal.”

    No matter how many times I do it, I continue to be amazed how quickly it works. I feel so happy when I hear someone’s voice shift from anger/sadness to lively joy 🙂

  89.  #89Mercedes on August 20, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Heather: I’ve only been doing yoga for about 3 years (and I’m not very good at it yet…but I’m getting better and better). I wish I had started it sooner. I love how it makes me feel…inside and out!

    Much Love,

  90.  #90luscious on August 20, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    hi guys i need help i feel this giant rock on my rib cage, for the last 2 years i have transformed things with my guy from toxic (cheating with dating sites and other girls) to good and he has been faithful and honest and i feel good and safe sometimes and crazy and angry the next and i feel so tired and i feel like i’m failing for feeling bad and angry still. I feel adored and even submitted to sometimes, but it just feels yuck that he drinks lots and too much pot for pain (crushed foot awaiting 5th major surgery). I feel like i swing between feeling good for honouring my feelings and inspiring him to be good to me, and feel bored and angry when i realise he’s very often pissed and high, i feel bad i haven’t read your comments. I will when i feel more calm.

  91.  #91Cassandra on August 27, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    This post really really hit home for me. I cannot think of one single relationship that I ahve ever had that has not been somewhat abusive but it felt ‘safe’ to me in a twited sort of way…..I feel like this post shined the light on why. For so so long I have felt that something was wrong with ME for choosing these men and I feel such a massive relief knowing that there is nothing wrong with me but that my definition of what LOVE is was formed during a time in my life when I was absolutely helpless…powerless and had absolutely NO CONTROL over anything. I feel excited because for the first time in my life…it makes sense without all of that self blame, what have I don’t wrong, what is wrong with ME crap! and that is what it is….crap! I feel angry that as a child with NO CONTROL over anything, that I was put in a situation where LOVE was defined for me in a way that is soooooo destructive to me. I have stayed in thuis terribly abusive relationship with Charles for waaaay too long out of fear…out of financial nothingness….out of comfort and familiarity even though it has been slowly killing me from the inside out…but this post Rori has touched me in a way that for some reason the light went on. I finally get that it is NOT me…that there is truly NOTHING wrong with me and that I did not cause this consciously. My entire body is exhausted and I am crying to the point that I can hardly type yet a part of me feels safer and free-er than I can remember ever feeling. I am going to go write in my online journal and try to get caught up here.

    oh….one more thing…for those of you that have been there with and for me during this journey….I wanted you all to know that I applied for my own apartment this afternoon. FINALLY. The plan is for me to move on October 1st provided Charles is out of town working. I must move when he is working and not here at home. I did it though…I applied and gave them the deposit money today. I am closer now to leaving than I ever have been…I feel terrified yet excited all at the same time.

    Love and hugs to all….

  92.  #92Symantha on August 27, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I feel like huging you… I feel touch for what are you doing for yourself!
    Keep plugging away!

  93.  #93Ann on August 27, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Hi Cassandra, good to hear from you. Hope everything works out ok and you have your new apartment soon.

  94.  #94Tracy on August 27, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Glad to hear that you are getting your own place now….feels so excited for you…..I honestly feel that good things are coming your way!….so happy for you…

  95.  #95Daria on August 28, 2009 at 8:30 am

    CASSANDRA THAT IS AMAZING!!! I HAVE been thinking about you,, I feel so moved and almost crying to hear that you are doing so well for yourself.. goo Cassandra girl ?I am really sobbing right now I feel so happy for you!!! I feel soooo glad to hear good news.

  96.  #96Lisa on August 30, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    What a fantastic post: “He is NOTHING to you.” The strength and clarity from Rori, and the insight from the commenters, has really helped me — thank you!

  97.  #97Cassandra on September 7, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Symantha….Tracy….Ann and Daria…thank you all so so much for your support. I feel accepted and I felt love in each of your posts. Thank you. That meant a great deal to me. I send you each a HUGE hug and much much love.


  98.  #98Cassandra on September 7, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Daria….I have missed you tremendously!! I feel happy to get to read your posts and hear about what is going on in your life and on your journey. You are still a huge inspiration to me and I send you another hug!! I absolutely loved loved loved what you shared with us about the Uncle Bob story. I wept when I read it because I could feel my little girl self waiting for ME to come and get her and just hold her and take care of her heart. That story touched me deeply so thank you so much for sharing it. I am quite interested in the EFT you are doing and any other healing ‘stuff’ that you are doing as well. I feel totally broken and need to be put back together but I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I know in my head that me moving into my own place is good for me but my heart is still here in this house with Charles and the life that I was supposed to have with the ‘good’ him. I feel afraid to move in any direction today for some reason and I have not been able to stop crying all weekend. I have to do something to get myself back on track but I am not sure what that something is.

    Bethany…I loved this…..
    “Wouldn’t it be great if we could all break our addiction to painful relationships–if we could feel just bored and turned off by any guy who would normally cause us to pile even more crap on top of trauma? That would be amazing. ” I too want to go back and re-design what love looks like to me. The thing that is weird to me is that in my head it looks like that beautiful picture that we all see of being married to your best friend…cuddling up and watching a movie together and out of nowhere your guy looks at you and kisses you…that he supports you and loves you unconditionally. I DO see that in my head so I am not sure how I got into this same old relationship…again. I have to figure that out.

    Simply Shannon….Tracy and Jennifer…..I relate deeply to each of you and your experiences. SS…..I feel exactly the way you wrote about …..
    “I feel scared to be without love. I feel scared to be alone. I love my scared feelings. ” I feel terrified right now…like I am afraid to even breathe but I can’t say that I love my fear. I don’t. I don’t know what to do with it though. I wanted to run over to get your little girl and just hug her and hold her and tell her that no matter what her Daddy does or says…..that she is beautiful…special….loved and such a gift to this world!

    I want to try EFT. I feel hopeful that it will help me to release some of the anger and rage inside me. I feellike I am about to explode sometimes lately and it makes me feel afraid of it. Going to go to Daria’s pick your healing link……
    love to all….

  99.  #99ABC on October 2, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Hi Rori,

    i feel really bad for Sara. Anyone of us who’s been with a man like that knows how that feels like. Yet it still took so many of us so many years of youth to figure this out—we thought when we are in pain, we must be in love.

    I really appreciate your comments on this. But i really need to point out something important and maybe you can jump in and explain it better since you are the expert on this.

    i just want to say that the negative effect being with a toxic man is much greater than how bad he makes us feel or how we are in a relationship that’s never gonna work out. It is that it affects us so bad the next time when we meet a good decent guy, we are gonna automatically push him away, we would “expect” him to treat us bad–just like the toxic guy. If he doesn’t come on very strong, we might think he’s not interested and dump him 2, 3 times after seeing him, when in fact he is just taking time to get to know us before he pursues. But because toxic men usually come on strong and pursue us relentlessly, we thought he must have wanted us and loved us. But how can he possibly like or love us when he doesn’t even know us???? it takes a long time to get to know someone well, and for what i heard from my guy friends, it usually takes a guy a long time to love you—because he has to feel safe with you, and it takes time for that.

    and also, the second point i want to make is this is going to affect her children even more if she did end up marrying this guy. Her children would grow up in a miserable environment. And is that really what she wants for her children?? i doubt that. hopefully she can think of the next generation and leave this man.

  100.  #100Alison on October 5, 2009 at 8:06 am

    This is the first time for me posting a comment and I’m excited to be here with all of you and to express my sincere gratitude and love to Rori. Nothing in the past has helped me understand my patterns so well, no matter how hard I’ve tried and believe me I’ve been working on myself for years. I can actually see now that the hurt and angry little girl inside of me can be held and cared for. I was listening to Rori talk about how she has a raggedy Ann doll in her office on her Targeting Mr Right program. I want to make a tiny little rag doll of my sad little girl so that I can carry her in my pocket. I can hold her whenever she needs to be held. Ask her how she feels and take her home when she needs to go home. I never cared for dolls when I was little and I feel a little silly, but just feeling the little girl in my pocket might help me to remember that I am here for her. I can see so clearly now that I’ve been ignoring this little girl the same way as others have ignored her. Brushing her off, not hearing her. I want to say that this little girl has feeling, she has something to say, that she gets her feelings hurt and that I’m here to protect her. This is a big breakthrough for me. i’m going to find the right man for this little girl. I will speak on her behalf. I just hope I’m not going crazy, running around with a doll in my pocket but I do think I need a little reminder to take this little girl seriously. Thank you all for your wonderful comments!

  101.  #101Rori Raye on October 5, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Oh, Thank you, Alison…and so glad you resonated with the Doll Tool…Love, Rori

  102.  #102Robbie Lynn on October 5, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I have been in an on and off again relationship for the past three years. I could tell you “I love him”, but even those words don’t seem to justify the way that I feel for him.
    We are now in our off time, first because of him but it is continuing because of me. He had given me the “there is no connection” line. Two short weeks later he came back, but this time I wasn’t sure. In those few short weeks (even though the pain was almost unbearable) I gave myself the opportunity to focus on myself. In doing this I know what I want, but I keep convincing myself that he can give his. When I told him that it does not feel good to be someone’s girlfriend, but I want to be someone’s wife instead he said that he was prepared to do that.
    I am at a place where my heart is 100% confused. I can see my life going two ways, but both of these leave me feeling unsure. I find myself unable to focus on anything else because I just want to figure out my decision and what is going to make me the happiest. Is there any way to make a decision like this without feeling regrets later on?

  103.  #103ELAINE PRICE on November 8, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    hi RORI,

  104.  #104Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Elaine, my heart, and I know all our hearts, are with you on this. Abuse becomes a way of life. I’m so glad you’re in counseling. NOW – you simply have to practice LOVING YOURSELF. Every single moment of every single hour of every single day…forever. If you keep practicing loving yourself, you will slowly get a “new normal” and feel better, and slowly attract non-abusive men. Just stay OUT of any exclusive relationship. Just DATE and practice loving yourself in the presence of every man. Don’t have sex for awhile if that makes things challenging for you. Love, Rori

  105.  #105rose on January 4, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Dear Rori-
    With the new year, I have come to realize the realationship that i am currently in is “nuts”. So if you don’t mind i just need to vent. I met this person while going through a divorce, my ex husband had a issues with partying way too much, this new man is on the board with NA and AA. My truley need help. as a wife I reshearched a clinic where we could both attend and understand my ex husbands issues. I allowed my self to put my heart into his hands and he took advantange of a woman that was looking for help for her self and the ex husband. it has been now two years, i actually sat down with a bunch of resentment towards (the new guy) that i dont feel for him like i should. He got very angry with me. I am sad due to him misleading me from day one. I wish my eyes were open to him years ago. He allow him self to cheat on me, I did misscarry his child, he now still drinks and uses. of late he’s ex girlfriend has been released from rehab. his attitude has changed so much. We went on a trip to cancun, we were both having a great 2nd day into the trip (the trip was 1 week) he shoved me so hard that I have suffered a fracutred wrist and tendon tears. I am overstressed out. he maliputated me in to believing he was Mr. Right. I feel like such the fool.
    Thank you for your eyes and ears. I am greatful to have found your website. I however dont have the dry eyes to read all your pages just yet.

  106.  #106Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Rose, so sorry for all your pain, and I’m not sure I have the two men sorted out here…Are you saying that the new man, who is a leader in AA, drinks and pushed you around? So, so sorry. I’m not sure what the protocol is in this situation, but I would get myself to a CODA meeting as quickly as possible…and tell your story there. I know several amazing women who have stories of allowing themselves to be misled and pushed around – so I KNOW you can heal from this, get strong, and get the love you want. Love, Rori

  107.  #107Non-Millitary Bootcamp on February 18, 2010 at 3:19 am

    I like this post. I really like this statement-What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new?

    There is a considerable depth to such a statement. One i think can be applied to many different statements.

    Very moving. Thanks for sharing.

  108.  #108Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    And I need this post too. Can I just subscribe to them all?

  109.  #109Megan on May 24, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    I have bounced around but am returning to comment here as I was reading this and it feels more appropriate to write here rather than off-topic on a more recent post.
    I have lost almost all faith.
    it’s all just so unfair.
    i feel childish as i write this and to be honest i feel childish everytime i blog….like….
    she’s STILL talking about this?
    its like, he hurts me, I want his love that much more.
    if i were my friend i would lose patience with me.
    I’M losing patience with me.
    tears stream as i write this.
    it seems next to impossible to quit analyzing and trying to figure it out. figure him out.
    WHY? WHY? WHY? why would he do that?
    how COULD he do that?
    was it all a lie??
    It’s like I’m sure of something for a week and then something happens and I question everything.
    it hurts SOOOO bad.
    but rather than run the other direction it makes me
    feel even more unworthy.
    how else to explain it??
    i refuse to believe the guy I loved for soo long is an ass.
    why do they change???
    I just want to go numb.
    I feel exhausted from all the pain and guessing.
    it feels like a nightmare.
    he used to say he wanted to forget his ex and now he is back on speaking terms with her and ignoring me…
    i feel like a piece of crap compared to her and I hate her for it.
    she treats him like crap and this is what happens.
    i feel angry.
    Siena said “rori says men dont play games”
    I don’t mean to question Rori’s knowledge but I have a reeeaaallly hard time getting this.

  110.  #110Megan on May 28, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Dear Rori,
    please help me.
    Reading this finally makes it make sense. but it feels soo hopeless.
    I feel doomed to always be attracted to pain and misery. I whole-heartedly believe the tools help with the drama/overfunctioning and all the behavioral aspects of it but it feels SO NATURAL when I’m pining after these guys who treat me like crap.
    Please please please tell me all I can do to reverse this feeling.
    You’ve said that digging up your past isnt necessary, but don’t you have to address the root of the pain??
    It seems to simple to be true – choosing the good feelings over the bad. this is what’s going to turn it around??
    I feel so jaded.
    I feel extremely turned on (mentally) and intrigued by this since it rings so true.
    I want to know everything I can about this to REVERSE it.

  111.  #111Deziree on September 12, 2010 at 6:17 am

    Hey Rori!

    I just wanted to write this down and get it off my chest. I have been reading your articles and you have truly helped me. I just got out of a really toxic relationship with a man who is 28 and I have been with him for a year and a half. A lot has happened between us early on with other women and him and I have still stayed with him- which was obviously wrong and against all my dignity. Now- he has made some changes and has been loyal- as far as I know. He says he’s a different man, but I still can’t get over what has happened, because those women are still in contact with him. I have been emotionally abused several times and have been in this cycle for too long. I am having an extremely hard time moving forward. I just feel like I don’t know any better without him. I have no problem dating men and it seems to come easy for me to do, but why can’t I let go of a relationship I know is not right for me. Do you have a program that could help me through this hard time. I am 21 years old and have so much going for me. I just feel completely pathetic and dependent on him to make me feel good- when I haven’t felt good about myself while dating him for a long time now. Please, if there is anything you can recommend, I would definitely be willing to give it a try. I am too young to feel like this and I would love to be myself again.

    Thank you again for all your help!

  112.  #112Rori Raye on September 13, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    Deziree, Welcome, and I so wish you could find a therapist who could help you. Please stoop eating all forms of sugar, white bread…and focus on protein and vegetables.. also check out possible food allergies –all these things can make you feel “emotionally weak.” My Toxic Men program is clearly the program for you — but it’s not a substitute for therapy and getting some group support. Love, Rori

  113.  #113Stephanie on September 19, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    To Believe or NOT To Believe in Faith……..

    I’m reading the posts under Emotional and Physical abuse and feeling every level of emotion that I’ve been trying to understand for years….. I keep coming back to “WHY”…..????

    I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a child starting at the age of 3….. I don’t know what normal feels like….. When I finially had enough courage to bring the traumatic events “to light”, my mother turned her back on me – insisted I tell everyone that ever asked that I had lied for attention. Feeling hopeless, I have always felt a sense of wanting to “die” – with a couple failed attempts. My dad was also a teacher in which forced us to move around quite a bit so I never had any “true” friendships.

    My life has always been somewhat “out of control”. As a teenager, turned to alcohol, boys, sex to feel loved…… Of course I didn’t see that this was something I was intentionally doing. I’m not the type that “got around”. I am the type that finds someone that give me some attention, latches onto him, and then despite all the red flags hitting me upside the head, I give them “the benefit of the doubt” until it is too late….. I have now been married four times and divorced four times…. Of course all of these marriages ended due to some form of abuse.

    Divorce #3 took almost 3 years and forced me to slow down due to an aweful custody case…. I thought I was beginning to figure out what signs to look for so that I didn’t make the same mistake(s) again…. Unfortunately, it did happen yet again and hence, divorce #4.

    I realize that I’m lost. I can honestly say that I have never know what it really feels like to have KNOWN what being loved unconditionally feels like. My last divorce took almost 4 years and it has now been a year since it was final.

    Last year I met a man…. Wasn’t looking we just seem to have found each other. I explained to him I wasn’t looking as I had decided that I wanted to wait until my four boys were out of school before involving myself in a serious relationship again. Maybe it was a challenge to him as he was relentless in his pursuit to get a date with me. I finially accepted.

    I ended the relationship fairly quickly because of fears I was feeling…. He worked even harder to prove to me that I could trust him (he is an usher at the church he attended – and I now attend). I feel that he used his position in the church to “validate” these promises that he was making me……

    The last 10 months have been HELL. He lies to me over big and stupid things…. uses his kids and ex-wife as an excuse when he needs distance from me, has mentioned marriage when convenient to keep me close (has asked three times now) – only to come up with an excuse and call it all off because “he’s scared”. For the first six months spent many quality hours together. Those hours are few and far between.

    I realize that he’s not the one and I’m trying so hard to move past him but I haven’t been able to. As mentioned in another post, yes, I feel like I’m a “junkie”….. addicted to being punished.

    Where do I go from here…. How do I convince myself that I will find someone worthy of my love that will love me back for being me and not so much because they find me attractive. I’m not stong enough to keep enduring this hurt. I use to wake up the morning following a good cry feeling hopeful. It has been a long time since I have felt hopeful and I cry all of the time (depressed).

    I feel angry and so betrayed by this man by using the church as a foundation for gain my trust and now, he just acts like it is not a big deal. His words exactly to me is yes, I know I have done you wrong but I will pray for god’s forgiveness…..

    I need help at so many levels here…

  114.  #114BarbinOz on September 19, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Hi Stephanie

    I have no words of wisdom for you, but my heart goes out to you for all the pain you have suffered in your life.

    You might want to copy and paste this post of yours to the latest thread, this seems to be an old one and you may not get any response.

    Take care x

  115.  #115SlimThin bootcamp on February 4, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    Your article looks like its made sense to a lot of people, I hope that by understanding their emotions better they can stop the cycle.

  116.  #116Sarah Blakk on March 22, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Wow. As an abuse survivor who has been dealing with self-esteem issues and therapy for most of my life – I found this blog because I have been in what is basically a toxic relationship for 3 years off and on. Just recently had the horrified realization that I am playing out my mother and father’s abusive relationship – and then I read Rori’s response, I am just so amazed. After so many years of therapy, she is one of the few people that actually understands and can convey the damage we are doing to ourselves with these painful relationships, and why they are so compelling for us. Such a painful realization, but so necessary to accept and then move on so we can heal once and for all. Thank you Rori.

  117.  #117A on April 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm


  118.  #118mehnaaz on April 20, 2011 at 9:11 am

    what if the person u loved is abusive , mentally sick and still one love him so much and is not able to get out of this soap any suggestions?

  119.  #119Sandy on March 16, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have read your ebooks and listened to your videos. I am in a situation that I really don’t know what to do. My husband died 4 years ago suddenly after being married for 35 years to the same wonderful man, I know find myself in a relationship with a man who I have know for 3 years and been living with for two years in his home. This man goes back and forth with me and I don’t know what to do. He is very controlling with me i.e. he is always trying to tell me when to clean his house, things I should be doing with my life. I was ill with breast cancer for about 9 months (while living with him) and even though he was thoughtful while I was ill, afterwards it was “You need to go to work, get a job” now mind you I had/have money coming in and he has never paid for anything for me. We always split things 50/50 even when we take a trip together. Money seems to mean everything to him. I say this because when he was trying to force me to take any job in this very bad economy he told me one night out of the blue after he had been drinking that “I needed to move out and he didn’t want it to drag out, he was only giving me two weeks to move” I was really upset, I said what are you talking about “You can’t just tell me to move out and only give me two weeks I don’t have enough money to move out right now”. Let me just tell you when I moved in with man I moved from my home that my husband and I built “our dream home” we spent over a million building it, I lost it after he died. This man I’m with now wanted me to move in with him, (with my dog). When I did move in with him I fixed up his house, re-did his bathrooms, his house, his backyard. I invested alot of my own money making his house nicer. So, after he said these things to me I was upset needless to say. He also said that “He had told himself that if he ever got involved with a woman again, she would have a really good job, her own house, and would be set financially” This man was only married once in his life a long time ago, he was in his mid 30’s at the time and this woman he married only married him to have a couple kids and then get child support from him afterwards. The other relationships he had only lasted a one to two years each and both the women left. He is in his mid 50’s now as am I and he really doesn’t have any wealth to speak of. Every once in a while he will say to me “I think we need a break” you should get your own place and put all of your stuff in it that you have in storage and we can still see each other” I’m not going to work hard on a relationship.
    Here’s the thing, I’m a very nice person, I’m a very loving person. I’m generous to a fault. After he told me I needed to move out (this was in early October) I did find an awesome job which I love and I did get back my self worth and self respect and now when he tries to order me around and be disrespectful to me I tell him don’t talk to me that way. Or, I walk away and say I’m not doing this with you. When I told him I got my job and it would take a little time for me to find another place he said “it’s ok, don’t worry about it now, we are ok”. You don’t have to move. But, whenever he doesn’t like me being a real person and taking a stand for myself and not jumping when he tells me to do something then he feels he has the power to tell me that “we need a break”. this has happened about five times since I have been with him. But, that’s not all..I’m the type of person that says to the person i’m with that I love “I love you, have a good day’ or just out of the blue, which I believe is normal when you love someone and live with them. This man will never say I love you to me. Very rarely, and he never says it on his own. How can he possible love me if he can’t even say it. I told him this morning “I love you, Have a good day” and he said you have a good day too. I said “can’t you even say I love you back” his comment was “go to work, I’ll see you later”. He was nice when I met him and now I don’t know. I’ve tried to make it work, but I feel as if he doesn’t care. When I tell him this he will say you know I love you.. Truthfully, I don’t know that he does. My husband was a wonderful man and we had a wonderful life together and he treated me great, I knew he loved and cared about me and there was never any doubt. I am not happy all the time, I keep putting my emotions on the back burner and ignoring a lot of this. With the man I’m with now it’s like we are roommates and he gets all the benefits. When I want to be affectionate and he doesn’t its to bad for me. But, when he wants to be then I’m just suppose to be there for him. I have an opportunity in a few months to move back into a home close to my work, I have really been considering it, and then I teeder tader am I making a mistake, should I move? I don’t really want to be alone and I feel as if I have invested time into this person I’m with but I don’t want to live with someone that can’t even tell me he loves me without it seeming like I’m ripping off a limb to get him to say it. And seriously, I don’t want him to say it if he doesn’t mean it, and if he doesn’t then why am I staying. I tell myself, ok we have a great time together when we go out, or when we take trips together, and we have alot in common when hes not trying to treat me like one of his kids. One of the things that really bothers me is he will be in the backyard working on one thing or another and he will “whistle” for me when I’m in the house doing something “what is That” I don’t respond to someone trying to summon me by whistling. I won’t respond and he will open up the back door and say “didn’t you hear me” get out here I need your help! Now, when he does that I pick up my car keys and leave.
    We were going out one night to dinner I worked a long day but I got dressed up, I wore pants because it had been raining and it was cold. He said wear a different pair of shoes…”don’t you have any high heels you can wear?” I said, we are going to be walking a lot, I don’t want to wear High heels so I can be in pain all night, he said “You can wear some sexy shoes” You couldn’t even see the shoes I was wearing my pants were so long, this is the kind of controlling things he will do. So, sometimes I think he might be Bi-Polar the way he acts. He can be moody, controlling and then he turns around and can be one of the nicest guys you ever met. I don’t know, my daughter hates him and wants me to leave him and she only knows about a couple things. Whats your professional opinion? Please advise.

  120.  #120Rori Raye on March 16, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Sandy, Welcome – and I don’t tell anyone “what to do” – but to me, you sound unhappy, and I don’t see any reason for that. You have a great job, you know what a great relationship feels like – why would you want to stay in a situation that doesn’t feel good to you on a daily basis? Perhaps now’s a good time for you to consider what it would be like to live alone and be your own person, and date who you like? And I’m not saying this man can’t change – but you’ll need some amazing skills to motivate him to change… Think about it…Love, Rori

  121.  #121Leslie on December 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I think in some way, you are a genius. Everything you say resonates immediately with me. The answer you gave to the woman above is so right on without being preachy or new agey. Admittedly the advice harder to follow when you are in a bad place and I have been there too.
    Love your work.

  122.  #122Rori Raye on December 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Leslie, Welcome…Love, Rori