Turn Your Marriage Around Now No Matter What’s Happening

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I’ve turned a marriage just like this one around – let’s do it for “Lost His Love”!

“Hi Rori.
My situation is my Husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend. they use to date before I met him. We’ve been Married for 16 years and we lived together for 13 years, before we got married. So we’ve been together total 29 years. I love him very much and don’t know how to win his Heart back. He said he does not know how he feels about me and thinks he is in love with this other women. He told me he care’s about me and does not want to hurt me.

I’ve told him to move out to think about what he wants, but he is still at the house with me, and still sleeping with me in the same bed. We have sex once in a great while, but yet he says he does not feel anything with me. I am so confused and hurt, and don’t know what to do any more. I keep telling him that I love him and want to fix what is wrong in our relationship, and he has not said much about it. What am I to do? ‘Lost his Love.'”

Lost His Love, Welcome – and I’m going to have to tell you the short version – which is – invest NOW, in my ebook and Modern Siren.  If you can, get Reconnect, too, it will give you a real foundation for what you’re about to do.  I hardly EVER talk about my programs – the link to my catalog page is in the right-hand corner of the blog (“to programs”), you can get them that way right now – and there’s just no other way we can move this as fast without you actually having, listening to, watching the Tools in action. They will save this marriage this WEEK – I’ve seen it happen.

So – download the ebook now, and then get Modern Siren as fast as you can.

You can do this – I’ve seen it happen over and over.  You must STOP doing everything you’re doing and change EVERYTHING about you this very minute.

Go change your hair (go as long as possible, do not cut it – but change the color – put blond in it – have the hairdresser layer it and either curl it or straighten it – just so YOU feel different)

Go to Target or Ross or your nearest thrift store, even, and get tops in solid colors that are DIFFERENT. – I suggest RED – you’ll have to find the RIGHT color of red – don’t go orangy-red, go cranberry and berry red.  Get tight jeans and sexy, lacy tops.  Try skirts if you never wear them – show some SKIN. Everything needs to look good on you to YOU, so bring a friend for feedback and reassurance, or ask the men in the store what they think.  Look through magazines to help you get a feel for a new, sexy look for yourself. Get new shoes – get a pair of high heels and wear them when your man is around – just as you are about to…

GO OUT THE DOOR!! You need a class, an event, a whole schedule of fun, sexy things – try an acting class or improvisation class, or stand up comedy  class- somewhere where there will be Men – and where he KNOWS there will be men.  Go out for coffee with these new friends you’ll make.  Come home late.

Okay – I’m totally serious about this – do this today!!!

Remember – this is not about being sexy for HIM – this is about being sexy for YOURSELF – and for OTHER MEN. Yes – other men. You’re going to have to flirt, you’re going to have to get validation and feel attractive to other men out there, you’re going to have to up your self-esteem and your Degree of Difficulty. You have to learn Strong Surrender.

You’re going to have to throw yourself out in the world and be HAPPY – and feel completely unconcerned about him – in other words you’re HAPPY to feel free and experience all these new men out there (do NOT let your gremlins and whatever anyone else says throw you off this – you have to be on a “high” around this. Being a “sad sack” is just going to KILL whatever’s left of his attraction for you.

There’s just too much to say to do it here – but I’m feeling excited for you – because I KNOW you can do this. Go take a Pole Dancing class while you’re at it. Here’s to you! Let me know what happens after you have the book, you’ve digested it and are using ALL the Tools, and you have Siren and are effectively Circular Dating.

Now – to finish – STOP calling yourself “Lost His Love” – stop TELLING him you love him and want him back.  I don’t want you to PRETEND to feel differently – I just don’t want you to TALK ABOUT IT.

I want you to talk about all the COOL things you’re doing.  I want you to get excited about things that have nothing to do with him.  I want you to become interesting to yourself again.  I want you to pull your energy away from him and the marriage and put it on YOU.

I promise you – if you do this, for real, from the ground up, from the inside out and the outside in, you’ll see results with him within a week.  But you have to do the Tools – no amount of wishing is going to do this.  Get shopping and get out there right now!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Ann on January 23, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    When I read this post I feel validated. I’ve seen where focusing on myself, what I enjoy, what’s fun for me helps lift my self esteem. That’s not to say I don’t struggle with keeping my focus on me but I’m learning and growing. Thank you Rori. I feel grateful for this blog and all the women here.

  2.  #2cookie on January 24, 2009 at 6:21 am

    I feel triggered reading this post as I reminded how far I let myself go. I feeling really afraid that my relationship is over and my man is cheating or just gone. He hasn’t said anything new but I want to know for sure and I don’t know how or if I should bring it up. Please help me

  3.  #3Lin on January 24, 2009 at 8:13 am

    I hear your passion on this subject !!
    I know everything single thing you say is correct about relationships !!
    She can turn this around…. fast! if she does what you say to do… and she will get her power back !! She might even find a better man !!!
    Thank you Rori !
    Love Lin

  4.  #4Sandy on January 24, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Wow, this is just what I needed today! Thank-you!

    I’ve been feeling less attractive since gaining a bit of weight over the holidays, so my favorite tight jeans don’t look so great on me. But I’m sure I have something I can put on tonight to look more sexy for my boyfriend’s birthday. I’m going to get out my flat iron and straighten my hair, too. I very rarely do that, but I love the way it looks when I do. Thanks for the suggestions, Rori

  5.  #5Erika on January 24, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Really inspirational post, Rori.

    Gosh, I was talking to a girlfriend last night, and it reminded me how much resistance we women have at first to dating many men. But wow when you finally embrace it … it feels so empowering and so fun, and it adds such richness to your life … mmmm, I can’t say enough about circular dating.

    Also, I love what you said about mixing it up fashion-wise. I just blogged about “peacocking” for girls. Guys learning to do better with women learn to wear clothes and trinkets that will draw women in. Girls can do the same. I love red, and guys seem to love it. I’ve also found that soft, touchable, and even outrageously furry clothes entice men (that’s what I blogged about).

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your passion with us Rori.

    Erika from http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com

  6.  #6Linda on January 24, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I am amazed at people and relationships and the dynamics of them. I often shake my head when I read people stories. I can identify with something in almost every one of them.

    It seems to me that some men maybe all of them at some point in their life want their freedom and yet a strongly desire comfort. They wanna have the freedom to pursue someone new but equally desire what they find comfortable too. I found that as the man I was with (not as long as this story) wanted his independance as he put it but yet wanted to string me along too. Maybe I was comfortable to him. He would send me confusing messages.. one day wanting to be with me and the next cold and aloof. One day wanting to intimate with me the next not calling me at all. It was a very hurtful and depressing time. I had to dig deep, find me and that was quite a journey. I dont think I am finished with it yet.

    I found this blog when I was desperate to find a way to “win him back” … I did alot of the things that are suggested out here. Honestly he noticed them, even commented, but ultimately he left me for his new love interest. Does that leave me the looser? At first it felt like it, but utlimately no I did not loose anything but feeing bad about myself. I might not have gotten what I wanted but I found something priceless…. ME! The ME I discovered? well she felt devistated, rejected, and like discarded fodder, but she wasnt. After I worked through all the negatives and breaking my own put down habits, I could see reality and my own real value. With that in the forefront and not…”winning him back, you can make the shift to focusing on YOU.

    How do you make the shift? It is a CHOICE pure and simply . I, through much struggle, made the decision to focus on me and not him. We make decisions every day, some are really hard and challanging some are almost thoughtless. The problem is that when our emotions are all tangled up in a situation (like issues of love etc) sometimes we are paralized by them. Think about it for a minute…. if your emotions were not involved would you really put up with the situation you are dealing with? Does it enhance your life or not….If you would then I think it is a indicator of how you esteem and value yourself ! Sometimes we want someone to see our worth so badly that we behave in ways that make it impossible to see. I had to face myself, maybe you do to… I in this instance, I was paralized with my emotions of loving someone who was being unfaithful to me. I had to place my mind over matter. I am an emotion driven logical person… how is that for opposites! I could no longer keep trying to accomplish the things that I had no control over… Finally I came to the end of myself after 6 months of struggle…I reqlinshed the situation and stopped investing energy into what I had no control over… HIM. When I did, amazingly I could then redirect the energy ionto ME. You know what I discovered?…. I was not willing to take his half hearted offerings of left over crumbs. I was also not willing to continue to afford him the opportunity to be unaccountible for his actions and the best of all…… I was no longer willing to trade myself and wellbeing for type of relationship I had…. and when that happened I realized valued me nd was then able to take steps to protect me and my well being. When we see our value and hold what we need in life important … we become very different creatures and we behave differently.

    If you are struggleing with getting the focus of your heart on yourself rather than the relationship like I was then be kind to yourself… embrace how you feel, admit it… cry till there are no more tears, do what it takes to get you to the place of relinquishing the situation. That means giving up the idea that you have any control of the situation and hope for the desired outcome. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. But..t… it was only then that I that could accept the reality that I needed to face with and begin taking action. I was no longer spending all my energy on going through the “what if’s “or the” if onlies”….but instead on what I could do something about. Be true to yourself, decide what you want and dont want. Oh…by the way..NOT making a decision is making one… I read once that the definition of stupidity was doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result..

    I would not be totally honest here if I did not confess that there is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that the great relationship I had and hoped would last forever would be restored. I still do.. but I am no longer pinning for or focused on it. What my energy is focused on now is my wellbeing.


  7.  #7Reshi on January 24, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    What Rori says here is absolutely true. I was in a similar situation and I was unable to pull my energy off of him and get into a happy place with myself, and yes, I managed to kill whatever attraction there was left.


    Today my husband came by to drop off my stuff and I was just as soft and welcoming and leaning back and NOT CARING about what he would do or how he would react to me–not PRETENDING not to care, I REALLY don’t care a damn thing about him–and I saw the look in his eyes. Unmistakable. I recognized the attraction that had always been there.

    Maybe he’ll realize he’s made a mistake, maybe not. Too bad, it’s his loss.

  8.  #8Maria on January 24, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Linda, it is very nice to read about your progres, cos l relate myself a lot with what has happened to you. What you said about comfort versus freedom makes total sense and in a way feels like tiny bit closer to solving the puzzle. Yes they all want a comfort, yet again, they look for some ideal woman while being with us. l could not help but wonder, does that make us “comfortable, not the chosen ones”, therefore less lucky in love? Is it somehow related to our “types”?

  9.  #9Linda on January 24, 2009 at 5:04 pm


    It is odd that you say looking for the ideal woman. When I met the man I fell for he was in the process of leaving his marriage. He told me I was his ideal woman, yet when it came down to “where do we go from here”.. permanent commitment.. he cut and ran, pursued other women. The sad thing is there is NO IDEAL WOMAN. It is like chasing wealth, it never seems to be enough

    Love is a choice and committment to someone is too. They just chose not to commit and wanted to wallow in the world of women.

  10.  #10Tracy on January 24, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    what u wrote is so true…….i feel the same thing has happened to me over and over again…but this time round i feel much happier because this time round i am focusing on me..and what makes me happy…i also agree with the part where u talk about stil having a hope that the relationship would have succeeded..i always hoped far too long and i clinged and did all sorts of leaning foward and eventually i realised that it felt worse.i feel more at peace now and more in control of my outcomes.i feel happier.
    i also came to this blog searching for the way to get my man back..i’ve read so much,thought so hard…….i didn’t get him back and he’s actually marrying someone else.
    i feel sad and upset and it really hurts sometimes and for me i work with him so God knows for how long i will have to see him each day…..however i am slowly learning not to focus on him anymore and what i can do to get him back……i feel that i am slowly letting go and i feel that eventually i will find the right guy who will make me feel great.
    Maria,i consider all us lovely women in this blog the ideal women..bcoz we noticed a problem with our relationships and now they are looking for answers…we all want to be happy, to feel great.funny though i have ended up getting answers on how i can make me happier.i was the one failing myself…it feels great to take this baby steps into finding a comfort zone where u experience life now rather than tomorrow…

  11.  #11Maria on January 25, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Well l consider us all here a ideal women, my bounche was realted of the male behaviour in general, of what may all have faced. (also my english is not sometimes correct as l am not native) My own proccess is hard, cos l am taking 2 baby steps towards, 3 back and it is difficult, but lm moving on no matter what.

  12.  #12Cookie on January 25, 2009 at 8:42 am

    I feel so upset, I was working on posting my riff, finally my first one. I was so triggered last night just sitting alone in my apartment, feeling terrible and trying to trace the source. But as was getting to the turning point my computer did something crazy and i lost it all. Maybe it was a good thing cuz i was really getting deep and personal but I didn’t know my pain ran so deep inside of me, this pain and sadness killed my self esteem. I want change. I want healing.
    I feel so invisible, I think I always have. In groups of friends I was always the cool, quiet, off to the side one, that nobody wanted, which made me feel so ugly. I used to think if I got rid of my glasses, if my skin was perfect, if i lost weight, if, if… that people would see me, that men would think i’m pretty enough to want me for more than sex. I remember in college giving up my virginity to this guy that smiled and danced with me. I remember when this guy date raped me, when we first met, i was so excited because on a hot summer day, he bought me water and I thought finally someone sees me. but after he finished raping me and then asking me to give him a massage afterwards, he put me in a cab and told me that i wasn’t all that anyway, when i got home my uncle called me a slut. i told myself that i would never be bad in bed again, and noone has ever told me that since but I have ended up in so many risky situations with men that at the end of the day still walked away from me as if i never existed, invisible. When i met the guy i have been for the past seven years, he asked me on the first night to be his girlfriend. he was the first guy i’ve ever known that asked to claim me, and I said yes because it felt like finally i wasn’t invisible and he said that he was hot and that girls love him. so i was like a cool guy likes me, i felt important, but most of the relationship i felt like he has kept me behind closed doors in his little cage, getting high on weed and having sex and feeding me, and telling me he loves me, but when it comes to being out in the world it seems, especially now that he is always looking for something, someone else. everybody and everything is more important than me and I can’t stand this shit. when i look in a mirror i see an attractive girl so why do these men treat me like this, like garbage, wtf am i putting out there that says that I don’t feel about me, that i will put up with your nonsense, that you can just walk the f out of my life and forget you knew me and that’s ok. that’s the worst part honestly with letting go of my guy now is that he will walk away and forget me after all these years. i know it probably sounds irrational but i believe all my interactions with men have been about how they feel about me and them seeing me and them validating my beauty, worth, humor, intellect,kindness, them wanting me and me saying ok but not really wanting that but just grateful that they were giving me the time of day. i kne in my soul that it was wrong but I thought that if i didn’t say yes, i wouldn’t have had an experience in life. that i would always be on the sidelines wondering what sex was like, or what having someone kiss you, or tell you they love you, or hold their hand, etc.
    I can’t say that i love that these memories are so close to my heart still but I can say that I feel grateful for my memories because it has given my life’s purpose and passion. I wish some teacher or adult person would have saved me when I was young and told me that I was worth it, that I was beautiful, and how to shine from the outside in. I wish my father would have hugged me and accepted me instead of scrutinizing me and putting me down or ignoring me. I wish my mother would have helped me love me instead of calling a big ox and talking about the ugly faces i make. But not having them be that for me has helped me find a profession where I see my students, the quiet ones, the insecure ones, the ones that don’t feel good about who they are, and help them feel less invisible because I’m their teacher and I’m paying attention to them, how they feel, and I’m encouraging them to speak their truth and tell their stories. But how does this work help me heal? Sometimes, I feel like a fraud, sometimes I feel like same old me, doing the same old thing, helping everybody with their problems and forgetting about my own.
    I don’t want to feel this way about me anymore. I want to be strong and present everywhere I go, I don’t want to be invisible to men any more. I want to be able to handle all the attention that actually being this would bring. Because when i get attention from men that references my body or my skin complexion, i feel afraid and self conscious, and i want to run away and hide. I want to love myself down to my toes and up again. I want a man that will love me with his heart first then his mind, body, and soul. I want to be a wondeful example of a woman to the daughter I want to have and to all the daughters that will come to the foundation that I am creating. I am so thankful for finally being able to see myself, after all these years of pretending to hard and strong, that I am weak and broken. I love my weakness and brokenness because it makes me a human not a superhero and it gives me something to work on. Myself.

  13.  #13Linda on January 25, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Ladies, thank you for your comments on the post here.

    Maria: keep walking and trying. Each day has new opportunities and are a gift.

    Tracy: Thank you for your comments too. I feel for you. It is hard release someone you love and even harder seeing that they moved on and have to see them everyday. I dont think I could deal with that at all! It would send me into a tailspin followed by a crash and burn. You are a strong woman to deal with that, my hat is off to you.

    There are lots of areas within me that are still full of pain. Words of a song can trigger it and tears well up or there is that lump in my throat I try to swallow away, a smell, a phrase spoken from someone. I never know when it will come. I was out to dinner with a male friend last evening, he had a CD he wanted me to listen to as we drove to a place to eat dinner. The first song just about did me in. Each word cut me and I bled silently as we drove. I wondered, why is this still such an issue for me, have I made no progress at all?

    THe truth is I have made progress I am stronger and wiser but….but just as real are my desires and needs intermingled with my personality and intuitions. The man I met and fell for worked really hard at winning me and my confidence and trust, and his betrayal of those things a hard bitter pill to swallow. Was I foolish for believing him? No.. I was genuine within everything I ever did and said to him, for that I am very proud.

    I am a firm believer in this principle…. you will reap what you sew… and the things you do to others will come back to you. If you deceive you will be deceived. If you lie you will be lied to. I have as I said, relinquished the situation and yes I still bleed silently at times. But… I am keep pushing toward my goal, embracing the good and bad, holding the hope firmly that I will get there. I am a woman of faith and it is that faith that ultimately is the my anchor in this life… my personal promise given to me for this year, is as follows….. perhaps it will encourage someone who reads here too… (this is paraphrased)

    “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, I will be revived and He will stretch forth his hand against that which opposes me and I will be held safe…and those things that concern me will be accomplished because, His lovingkindness toward me is everlasting”.

    Blessing Ladies

  14.  #14Linda on January 25, 2009 at 10:31 am


    There is so much pain in the world. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I shed tears when I read your words.

    We are all driven by things in our life and believe me they drive us. Those things are whimsy or fanciful wishes but actually legitimate needs. We are all wired differently but in many ways similiarly too. I can personally identify with your need I see in your words here and the despair you feel in not being met.

    Feeling and being valued and treasured for simply you is not impossible although it seems to have eluded you. I am sorry that your parents did not validate you they should have. Sadly so many of us dont get the care we need as small children and we carry the lack of that being met in the proper place to other places that have no promise of really filling it.

    Your experiences with men that you have shared here are as I see it a clue to where you have put your focus on getting what you legitamately need. But your words also reveal that you are still yet to acheive it and feel it. I encourage you to look at where you are focused. Change it. Maybe your true source of healing and validation will come from something you have never considered could. Yourself and your students! You even question how that could help you?

    Cookie, what brings you joy and makes you feel good about yourself…. put some energy there. Look at yourself, there is an inner beauty that I see in your words do you see it? Appreciate that about you, you are rich and have things to give. Your circumstances dont define who you are they are simply things that are right now and in a blink of an eye can be different. If you want to be seen, see yourself first, find out who you are and love her first. That will Validate her!….. I have said earlier sometimes we want our worth to be seen so badly that we behave in ways that make it impossible for anybody to see even ourselves.

    I do not pretend to have the answers here these are merely suggestions, but I do know that healing for me started with me changing my focus. Getting to know me and learning to love myself… all of me. I gave myself permission to like me and I felt truely uninvisible for the first time in my life.


  15.  #15Cookie on January 25, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Tears are streaming down my face as I read your response to me. I really don’t know where to begin, I read Rori’s ebook and listened to her programs and I read this blog religiously. But sometimes I feel like I just want the answer, I want to know how to fix my problems with my guy because I just want it fixed. But I know the problem is bigger than just him, he is a symptom. The problem lies is how I see and accept myself, I know. My friends ask me if I was feeling great about me would i even deal with him at all and I don’t know because I feel Iike the love i’m giving to him is not conditional on his perfection. But I don’t know how to love myself the same way. I hear what you’re saying about giving yourself permission to like you, but how do you do that really, not just in your head or with your words but really really like yourself? How did you do it, Linda, how did you let that man you love walk away and not blame yourself or become insecure? Did you really believe in your soul that what is meant to be will be, though you loved him with all your heart? How are we supposed to be open hearted without wanting to foresee or know what will happen with your love once it is put out into the world? I really can’t see men right now, I can’t Circular Date right now, I can’t keep moving from men to men. I have to stand still and confront myself head on and fight for myself not against me. I have to keep being reinforced by people that love me and myself, that I can do this. I have to admit to myself that many of the messages I am stifled by right are the ones I have been telling myself.
    I need to scream NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I am screaming NO, right now. No, I will not call that man, no matter how much I want to speak with him. No, I will not accept his scraps of affection or attention or time. No, I will not lean forward and give him and his life all my attention. No, I will run to him the minute he calls. But that’s just with him.
    I am screaming YES. YES YES YES YES YES!!! Yes, to putting myself first, finally. Yes, to eating right and exercising for my longevity weight loss and overall comfort. Yes, to praying and feeding my soul and having faith in my ability to get through the obstacles in my path. Yes, to being my own best friend, own chearleader, own coach, own advocate, own negitiator, own fully and happy person.
    Thank you Linda (and everybody really) for reminding me and for all your support

  16.  #16Linda on January 25, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Dearest Cookie

    You are very welcome for the comment and the reminder to be good, no great! to yourself.

    You asked me some questions in your post. I have posted in the topic “Can I win Him Back After He Dumped Me” (mine is the on Jan 17th, the plain Linda post, not the one that is from Linda G.) Read that one from me, it tells the story of how I got to this place I am in today.

    Did I feel insecure? YES.. Did I blame myself? YES Did he cause that. NO Insecurity and blame was how I reacted to the situation because of things that inside of me already. Did anything I did fix it even though that is all I wanted? NO but… all the things I did brought me to the end of myself which is exactly where I needed to go. I literally would stand in the mirror and have to say outloud, with tears running down my face “His behavior toward me does NOT determine your worth” !! THen I would ponder and name things that I knew were true about me, painting myself with love and truth….I am embarassed to say how many times I did that. but…it was not until I relinquished the entire situation that things began to change for me.

    Relinquishment is painful it feels like giving up, loosing hope, throwing in the towel and you know what? It is! It means: to let go of, to cease to hold on to. It means:
    giving up my rights to control the person, dream, expectation or preferred outcome of the object of my concern. That was so HARD! but… You know what the outcome of that was…release from the responsibility and burden of trying control something is not within my control. The outcome is FREEDOM. It put a stop to my effort to any form of manipulation of the situation. After that, I was filled with a profound energy to direct to things I had control over like….ME. For me it was like experiencing death and then strangely a new birth. That is how I came to like myself.

    Yes, I do believe that what will be will be even if you love someone with all your heart. You have heard the old saying, “you can lead a horse to water but your cant make him drink”… does that mean there is something wrong with the water?… uhhh no there is something wrong with the horse. Loving others does not come with any kind of guarantee but I do know that if I offer
    my best then I can face myself in the mirror and that is priceless to me. I cant value others or give anything good if I dont value myself first.

    Shattered dreams are never random an often have a purpose. They are a piece in a large puzzle and a chapter in a larger story. The pain and suffering that are caused by our shattered dreams shouldnt be endured if we must…. but instead embraced because they show us what is really important to us in life and makes us who we are the good and bad of it all.


  17.  #17Linda on January 25, 2009 at 3:04 pm


    I had a couple of other thoughts….

    If you cant go to another man or circular date, then dont. Listen to your inner voice. I certainly did not pay enough attention to it when I should have. That is your heart talking to you. If you dont have the energy to put yourself out there then dont right now. It will come eventually and then you will be able to.

    As for me.. I and trying but my heart is not in it either so… I am going where my energy is and my heart is… spending time with myself, doing what I want to do for me and if I talk to a guy it is for friendship only… not for anything romantic, my heart is just not ready for that. It has taken the pressure off me and makes me feel peaceful. That is taking care of myself. baby steps


  18.  #18Ann on January 25, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Linda, you’re a very wise lady.

    Cookie “BIG HUGS”. I feel your pain. I’ve been in the similar situations. I know the scars rape leave. I don’t mean to intrude but I feel I want to share what I know. Take what helps you and leave the rest.

    For me there’s never been one magic thing I could do to heal all the pain. I’ve been on my own healing journey. I look for and have found things that speak to me. Then I practice them over, over, and over. If something works one time but not the next, I put it aside and try it again at a later date. But I’ve come to know what helps me, I just don’t always know which tool I need in each situation. I listen to what others say and hear if it speaks to my spirit.

    I feel very tense and shaky as I write this. Because I know what I know, but I’m not sure if it’s coming across right in written word.

    I will stop by sharing something that has helped me many a time. Write it out on paper. Sit in a quite place ask yourself questions you would like the answers to. Write the questions down with your dominant hand, then write what pops in your mind with your non dominate hand. Don’t think about the answers, just write.


  19.  #19cookie on January 25, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    Thanks a bunch ladies for your wise n encouraging words. I just caught myself a little late but at least I recognized it for what it is worth. I got into an argument w my guy bc of something I knew as common sense n he knew as bs. My instincts startd feeling sick soon after I acceptd his invitation to go out w him for dinner. It felt good to go so I said yes I will call u once I return from the gym. When I called he said just come over instantly I felt sick like I didn’t want to troop out there n be annoyd

  20.  #20cookie on January 25, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    So I called him back after i got dressed I wanted to change my mind but I felt bad about it. He didn’t answer the phone then calls me a hour later n asks me y I’m still home. I shouldve just said right there that I don’t want to come anymore but instead I said that I called over a hour ago. It became a back n forth thing each of us holding onto their stance(masculine energy). He hung up on me.I don’t want to tolerate that cuz I feel like is more games are being played.I’m annoyd n upset but I’m also

  21.  #21cookie on January 25, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Relieved to b home. I intend to b more forthcoming the next time.

  22.  #22Cassandra on January 28, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Cookie….Your longer post above was beautiful in so many ways. I could feel your heart and the hurt that has been in there for so so very long. I just wanted to hold you and let you cry. The fact that you have the courage to share that part of yourself is such TREMENDOUS step forward and something that you need to celebrate. You are so much stronger than you even realize…now anyway. One day you will realize how far you have come and how much strength it took to get there and be amazed at your own strength…your own courage and your own beauty. Even the fact that YOU got annoyed with you BF speaks volumes. 2 weeks ago you would have been mortified and in tears that he hung up on you but now YOU are annoyed with HIM. This shows that you are beginning to realize truly how important you are and how important your needs….your comfort and your wants and your feelings and your dreams truly are. I celebrate this as it is a GIANT leap forward. Are things fixed? No but you are alot closer then you were even a week ago and that in itself is something to celebrate. Do something soecial for YOU tonight….Order dinner in….take a long bubble bath with candles and perhaps a glass of wine but if you add the wine don’t talk to your BF tonight…..wine fuels emotions. LOL Celebrate you and what you want for your life…..your love…your dreams. You deserve it.

    Linda….you too have come so far and most likely can’t even yet see how truly strong you really are. You are an inspiration. I find that one of the hardest things to do is let go and give ot to the Lord and it seems that you have figured out how to do that very thing. I applaud you for that. So often I find myself giving my problems to GOD but then telling HIM well wait a second…..don’t go too far with that…I may want it back in a minute. I think it is a trust thing and you seem to have found a way to let things go and focus on you. in my eyes this is a huge deal and again….i applaud you for it and I admire that in you. You too should do something for YOU tonight!

    I love you all…..

  23.  #23Cassandra on January 28, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    I forgot to add something about Rori’s post…..I have REALLY been focusing on ME and what I want to do in any given moment and things have changed so dramtically with Charles. He is now coming to ME to give me a hug or tickle me or give me a kiss….HE is asking me if I am ok or if I need anything…HE is asking ME what I want to do or where I want to go for dinner. I have not mastered the ME thing yet but I am cloer and closer each day. I have also been using as many feeling messages as I can.

    I do have a question though for whoever has an answer…yesterday I said something using a feeling message I can’t even remember what it was now but what I do remember clearly was Charles’ response. he responded kind of harshly saying something like ‘you feel…you feel…you feel…..everything is always about how you feel!!” I admit that I was kind of shocked at such a harsh response to something kind and loving that I had said in a feeling message and I did not know how to respond so I said to him ‘that felt kind of yucky for you to have responded to me that way’….I know I know I goofed in that I made him wrong again but both of us started laughing so it ended up to be fine….BUT how on earth do you respond when your man gets so totally irritated by you using the feeling messages??? I really didn’t know what to do or say and just said what came to my mind. Not only that but it really hurt my feelings that he inferred that I was so self absorbed! I did not like that at all!! Any suggestions???

    Love to all….
    PS….Alias Girl…I MISS YOU!

  24.  #24Daria on January 28, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Cassandra … I feel so awed at your WONDERFUL use of feeling message! Saying that felt yuky that he responded that way… you are so brave! I know that when men have complained to me about my feeling messages I felt frozen and terrified to use them AGAIN! Fortunately I got over it…

    I really hope Rori adresses this sometime…

    And I do miss Alias Girl too…

  25.  #25alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    awwwwwwwwwwww i feel like a melted puddle. i am here. i just felt too needy (like i do with men and everyone basically so i backed off. bc that is my Default Postion. I DON’T NEED ANYTHING/ANYONE. it is very easy for me to get triggered to that place so i withdraw and become ironwoman self sufficient under my shell aloof .

    but i feel connected. i missed you guys too!!!! xoxox

    btw cassandra i felt quite satisfied with the way you responded. and it seemed to have turned out well if you both laughed. i wonder if it is possible to use too many I Feel statements. like maybe it just wears a guy out? maybe he is tuned in and feels responsible for our feelings? i don’t know bc i am not a man.

    what do you think?

  26.  #26alias girl on January 30, 2009 at 12:15 am

    i feel like practicing my riffing. i feel super vulnerable and open. that feels like someone peeled open both side of my chest and it doesn’t feeld bad it just feels Open. like a door that is open. like a church door that is open you are pretty sure it ok to go inside. i feel cool that i just compared myself to an open church. come worship inside me. i feel like i want to keep going into thinking. even that was a thought rather than a feeling. i feel self critical. i feel a tightening on my right side. i feel tears and a furrowed brow. i feel frozen. like i just shut down. i feel like i am beating myself up i feel like i am all over the place. i feel weird like i can’t keep up with my feelings. i feel excited that they are so maleable. ah mispelling. i feel self critical. i feel like punching something. i feel like scolding myself fiercely. i feel sad about that. i feel like the only war is the one going on inside. i feel really sad about that. i don’t feel like feeling sad. i feel annoyed or bored rather with sadness. i feel smiling. or . i feel my energy is in my heart. i feel very drawn to thinking. thinking thinking always thinking. drop my thoughts down to my pelvis.ah i feel worried. that feels like a clenching in my vagina. i feel like running away from myself. i feel weird. i feel really weird. i feel gross. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.ew. ew. i can’t stop ewing. ew. i feel curious why i feel so ew. ?? i feel clueless. i feel confused what that was. i feel done. i feel ok. i feel like zoning out. i feel like fantasizing about my ex. hehe. i feel triggering saying that. i feel like a troublemaker and for better or worse that makes me smile. i feel open to dating. i feel i am back in my head. i feel ligh like laughing. i wish i had a best friend that we laughed at stupid things together with. i LOVE that part of relationships. i feel self indulgent. i feel clean and lovely from my bath. haha i feel like laughing. hah i feel a little weird.

  27.  #27Cookie on January 30, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    hi cassandra, i didn’t even know you responded directly on this post to me, i haven’t been checking this one, since i thought noone was on this on anymore. Anyway, just as you advised me to celebrate my baby steps, i am boomeranging the same message to you. the fact that in that uncomfortable moment you stood up for yourself and responded to Charles in a feeling message sounds like progress to me. i think the fact that you even open your heart and laughed was wonderful and a sign of progress as well. he knew he was being insensitive and i think by saying that you actually stood up for yourself and hit him with another message that was from you about you. I love it!
    I know this is probably late as I noticed that you have posted more recent stuff since you put this one out there. But I feel helpful to remind you that as long as you keep doing the things that are working to make you happier then you are always doing the right thing. you are so strong and I admire you.

  28.  #28Cassandra on February 12, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Cookie….Ia m so sorry that i am just now getting your post. I have been so busy with stuff going on here that I feel so behind and have really only been able to respond to the posts on the very first post page…..’Ask your Questions Here….’ So I truly apologize for not getting back to you sooner….I literally just read your post. I am trying now to get caught up so forgive me if I have not responded to other posts that you have put up…..gosh I feel as though I have missed so much. Thank you so much for your encouragement in your post above. I am trying. I feel that even though I am trying I am so far behind everyone else here in working the tools but I am not giving up…I am still trying to move forward and take care of me. Thanks again Cookie….I have truly missed you! I send you a huge hug and lots of love!! XOXOX

  29.  #29Ingrid on May 15, 2009 at 11:18 am

    I’m not quite sure but I am feeling quite uneasy about this comment Rori made to the OP.

    “Go to Target or Ross or your nearest thrift store, even, and get tops in solid colors that are DIFFERENT. – I suggest RED – you’ll have to find the RIGHT color of red – don’t go orangy-red, go cranberry and berry red. Get tight jeans and sexy, lacy tops. Try skirts if you never wear them – show some SKIN. Everything needs to look good on you to YOU, so bring a friend for feedback and reassurance, or ask the men in the store what they think. Look through magazines to help you get a feel for a new, sexy look for yourself. Get new shoes – get a pair of high heels and wear them when your man is around – just as you are about to…”

    As if the holding together of the relationship is about HER, and what she, as a wife is not doing. I feel her husband choosing to have an affair is about HIM. Period. She is a beautiful woman just as she is, but I do see the positive in your advice Rori. I feel though,marriage is about something you have not even touched on yet, as your website and advice is so much about US women, what we’re feeling, how we express it, etc. how to be a siren, how to catch and keep our men, how to do this, do that, etc………

    What about committment? What about the fact that we promised to GOD and witnesses to be faithful until death to our partner? I really feel this matters. IF an unfaithful man chooses to be unfaithful, then it’s really about HIM, and him choosing to be an infidel. What do you think?