Turn Yourself On All Day Long

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Sex and sexuality and sensuality – all together – is such a powerful topic, and we hardly ever discuss it. It’s SO easy to get comfortable in the “companionship” part of any relationship (not only in a marriage), and just let the “juice” fade out.

And “scheduled” sex feels like such a chore…we’re all overworked and tired, and it’s so easy to put sex way behind other things – eating dinner, a favorite TV show…we want to “settle in” – and as we get older and our hormones shift, the sexual “charge” isn’t enough to carry us into the bedroom, and we’re too physically tired to go with “on top of the kitchen table.”

What I see is that we are actually, each of us “turned on” at different moments during the day – but we let them pass, and put our sexual feelings off until “later” – to a more “appropriate” time. And then that time never comes.

If we could just allow those small moments to carry us into a general appreciation of our sexual feelings – whenever they show up, and almost always ACT on those feelings – even if we’re all by ourselves in the bathroom at work or at home in the shower…things will shift.

Here are some ways to do this in PUBLIC:

1. When you have a moment of feeling turned on (and I’d like you to focus on keeping yourself Turned On ALL the time…truly…) – instead of just stuffing it down for later because it’s “not an appropriate time,” take a moment – even just one moment to really, really EXPERIENCE the feeling in your body.

If the Turned On feeling is local, just in your vagina or breasts…see if you can let it flow through your whole body.

Consciously lower your shoulders, open your mouth, and see if you can allow your body to feel FLOODED with the warmth of the Turn On.

See if it makes you smile for a moment (and maybe even blush).

2. If – when you do this – a particular man shows up in your imagination, and thinking of that man makes you feel pain and longing instead of comfort and joy – add in MORE MEN!

That’s right, imagine there are more men around you – all handsome, sexy, naked or in full 3-piece suits or even scuba gear or knight-in-shining armor costume, perhaps even famous and celebrated and powerful in the world, and imagine their FULL ATTENTION is ON YOU.

Even if you’re standing in an office full of people, try this. Just let the room be filled with imaginary, beautiful men who WANT YOU.

If it makes you smile to even think of doing this – great.

3. If you can, get someplace private and touch yourself. Touch your face, your breasts, your vagina – just make contact that FEELS GOOD.

You don’t have to follow through to orgasm – that’s not the point (though it will raise your estrogen and oxytocin hormones if you do – and make you feel better all day long). Just be sure to get to where you can feel your body relax, get warm and turned on, and you can FEEL the experience and how it SLOWS YOU DOWN.

Consider this a MEDITATION.

Let me know what happens for you with this…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on October 21, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    WOW Rori! I just had occasion to try this while I was sitting here at work, and let me tell you, I feel like a completely new woman! I can’t wait to see where this work leads me…

  2.  #2Daria on October 21, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    Lol – I hope the kids at work don’t catch on to what I’m doing!

  3.  #3Daria on October 21, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    More Riffing:

    I feel so down and tired. I feel lonely. I miss my guy friends. I wish they would call me. I was so quiet and feeling weird when I saw that guy I liked 2 days ago… and my friend was insensitive to me about money. And I haven’t heard back from my girlfriend since I got my feelings hurt. I feel so bored. I used to have a fun life and I could always hang out with my guy friends. Now since I am not calling them or driving I have none. I want to feel loved. I want to feel surrounded by my friends. That feels like tingles in my cheeks and like my vision getting brighter. It feels like laughter and smiling. It feels like my arms now got heavier. I feel hunched over and icky. I don’t feel happy. That feels like closing eyes, seeing double. It feels like sides of mouth hanging down. I love the sides of my mouth. And I can feel them lifting. I love my caved in chest. I love my hunched back. I love my heart. I love my spaced out eyes. I feel so disconnected. That feels like sliding sideways. I want to feel connected. I want to feel healthy and powerful. I feel angry. I feel lost and alone. I want to feel happy and surrounded by friends and that feels like smiling. I am going to eat dinner…

  4.  #4alias girl on October 22, 2008 at 12:13 am

    that’s cool reshi. thanks for riffing daria. i’m going to riff too. omg. i feel so sad. i don’t know why it feels like a wave just crashed when i started to riff. tears. why? i feel so sad. i love my sadness because trauma and pain is being dislodged and released from my body. i feel so scared. why? i feel like a baby. i feel like an infant. innocent and sort of small and helpless and dependent. i feel this intense pain in the right side of my chest. i feel calm breathing. i feel just calm teary sadness. and fear. the fear feels like a metal box in my right breast. what is that? i love my confusion it makes life really interesting. like a mystery to figure out. i feel wet eyes. wet face. i wish i had a boyfriend to kiss me after i cry. oh crinkly shut eyes and more tears. i feel tension between my eyebrows. i feel soft and extremely loveable. i love me. fan club of 1. good enough. better than none. hah hah. i feel amused. chuckle out oud. i love that i can make myself laugh outloud. esp at work. i love that i can laugh. i feel ok. fragile but ok. i shared with some guy that i’m emailing that i came home today and ate then crawled under the covers bc i was afraid (of nothing specific) then i went to the gym but i think if someone’going to get close to me then they need to know the truth. i so am not the perfect person who has it all together . doesn’t mean i’m not a queen. just means i’m a very loveable quirky queen. anyway look through history. all the best queens were quirky. 🙂 i feel pretty ok now. relieved. self accepting.

  5.  #5Daria on October 22, 2008 at 11:25 am

    I feel starved of attention. I so want to call or text this one guy. I know he will respond to me. I feel sad. I feel powerless. I feel trapped. That feels like an iron mask on my face. It feels like a metal plate pulling the sides of my forehead together. That is so cool. I feel disgusted by the metal. It must be really strong. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel the sides of my mouth dropping. I love that I can feel all these sensations. I am alive. These sensations are showing me that I am alive. I just yawned. The plate is not pulling as hard now. I feel a dustball in my tummy. I feel nautious. I feel hopeless and sad. I feel weak. I want outside help. This feels like my plate in my head is pulling me down. That is kind of cool that I have such a strong plate. I don’t love it. And I want to love it. I want to love my plate. I want to love my nausea. And that feels like a little more sunlight filtering into my eye. It feels like the sides of my mouth lifting. It feels like tension on the sides of my head and in my forehead plate. I do not know how to do this and make it positive anymore. It feels like dissapointment. Like heaviness in my mouth. I love my heaviness. I love my pain in my forehead. I am so brave and strong to carry this pain. I feel tortured. Maybe a part of me wants to feel tortured. I love that part of me. I love her and maybe there’s a part of me that wants to let go and feel free and happy. And that part of me feels good and strong. That makes me feel like smiling. It feels like heaviness in my stomach now. It feels like my forehead plate is lessening its pull. I love even the tension on the side of my head. Who is strong to carry an entire Iron mask. Me. I am so strong. I honor myself. Maybe part of me wants to keep the mask on to have something to prove. And I love that part of me. I have already proved it. Part of me wants to take off my mask. And I love that part of me too. It brings me little smiles. I love my smiles. I feel scared. I feel frustrated. I will never get through this feeling. I am going to sink down to thte bottom with my heavy mask on and I will never get out. I want help. There is no help. There is only me. I love myself. I am so lonely and powerful. And that feels sad but it also feels honorable. Like sacrifice. I know part of me wants to sacrifice myself. That is so sweet and brave and cool. I want to sacrifice. Well certainly that can’t be so bad. I can sacrifice for me. I don’t know how. Part of me doesn’t want to sacrificie. Part of me wants to feel GOOD GOOD GOOD right now. That part of me feels mad at me for not making her feel good. I feel angry at myself. This is very interesting. Maybe these are some very deep feelings coming up. That feels reassuring. It feels like interest and less pain. I feel glad that these feelings are coming up now. Now I feel strong and I feel like smiling. Wow. I thought I would not get trhough these feelings but now I realize that I need them. I love you feelings. I love you forehead. I am so cool to bring up such deep existential feelings. I feel strong but I don’t feel energized yet. That’s ok. I know my body is processing these very deep feelings. I love that I can process them. I feel excited that I will now be strong enough to love them. I feel a gurgly feeling in my upper stomach. I love my gurgly feeling. Now I feel more relaxed and able to pay attention to the things around me. I feel like an easy smile on my face. I still feel some tension on the side of my forehead. And that is ok. I love my tension. It is like a slingshot. It wants to protect me. And I want to let it protect me. Thank you. And I want to feel good also. I want all of me to feel 100% confident that I can feel good. That I will feel good all day. That I can get through any bad feeling and make it good. And that feels like warmth in my tummy, and like my smile spreading wider. It feels like my eyes getting brighter. I did switch my underwear drawer. That makes me feel like smiling. I feel impatient to have men come toward me in real life. And that feels scary. It feels like less light in my eye. I feel worried that I want this because it feels like desperation. Because we’re not supposed to want men if we want them. And thats ok. I love the part of me that wants them to come. That part is afraid that they wont come. I give it a hug. She is a little girl. It makes me feel like chuckling. Of course they will come. She is crying. She does not see them. It feels like I the adult me feels worried now also. It feels like the air feels cool and fresh and I am smelling it for signs of what the future might bring. That is such a deep cool image. I love myself and the images I bring up. I love my fear and loneliness. And part of me wants to feel the opposite of loneliness. Part of me wants to feel attractive and loved and surrounded by people. And that’s ok too. That feels like fear. It feels like tightening in my forehead, like pulling elastic. I love my elastic. I love my fear. I feel afraid that I won’t be surrounded by people. I want to feel surrounded by friends. I want to feel loved and connected. That feels like smiling. It feels like a tightening of fear in my heart. And that is ok. I love my fear. I am so sweet. I feel glad that I can look at all this in myself. I am very powerful. That feels calming. It feels wise. I feel bored. This feels too difficult to carry on. I feel desperate to get to the super good confident feeling. That feels like sinking in my torso. It feels like I will never get there. And that feels like my mouth sinking. I love myself and my fears. And that feels like smiling. I feel angry. I feel angry that I am not reaching my “goal” I feel my mouth tightening. I love my anger and my mouth. I can feel it relaxing. I want to feel I have reached it. I want to feel happy and energized and powerful… that feels like a big smile. I want to feel loved and surrounded by people. I want to love myself even though I am alone. And that feels reassuring. I feel tense in my upper back. Part of me feels angry and disgusted at this process. It doesn’t really work it says. And I love that part of me. And part of me loves this process. I love seeing all of my feelings and writing them out. I feel like I am battling with my feelings. And that is ok. I don’t want to do that. I want to accept and love my feelings. I do accept and love them. I feel like smiling…

  6.  #6tina on October 22, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    Hi Rori and all the lovely ladies,
    I feel overwhelmed because I have so much to say, have been reading posts everything every day. Just felt like lying low and focusing on self.
    Rori, Your eletter to that woman whose man asked her to go away with him, even though there is no movement in relationship was right on. With man I hadn’t spoken/seen for several weeks since he started calling again trying to convince to go on trips previously planned. I will not go.
    He is asking to go out, when can I see you. Last night I did not pick up phone, just didn’t feel like talking.
    Rori, I feel I have so much to pour out when I do see for just an hour or two is what I want.
    When we spoke, I am the invitation, open, warm flirty, I do feel anger like how dare you treat me so carelessly.
    I feel I want to Tell him off in so many ways. He kept asking if I had gone out with my girlfriends etc/on dates with anyone. Saying you better not see anyone. Not in a threatening way, never, just teasing way. I told him I am not saying I went out with anyone etc. Did not tell hime of men asking me out etc.
    I guess I will see him for just dessert, I feel I will look devastating, be flirty, yet SUPER STRONG and tell him I feel wary of being exclusive with anyone again until full commitement /engagement etc.
    I feel scattered pouring out different stuff in this post.
    I love and look forward to reading everyone’s fears and progress here
    I do have many feelings about things that have come up about man paying/ sex etc. that I feel I will leave for another post.
    I feel pain in my shoulders so many thoughts at night before I fall asleep, Just before drifting off I hear and see entire dialogue of best Power Speeches etc. Maybe that is when our true soul is speaking….
    I just want to stand up for me, I feel I bring so much to the table but am too easy going, and have lostppower in relationship where I loved man. never in beginning etc.

  7.  #7tina on October 22, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Ok more stuff,
    Isn’t funny how it all opens up?
    Rori, I feel fear I may sound stupid to say EVERYTHING iFeel, which of course I will not. It is so easy to cut a man with words when you really know him and have observed him.
    I feel I am worthy of a fabulous love affair/marriage that feels tingly forever, with open and free ‘I love you’s’ etc. I get the high degree of difficulty now I always felt that would turn men off does just the opposite I see.
    I do love him, feel deep down he does also, just have to feel my power and ability to walk away. Putting my needs first like you said in letter. That is exactly what I want to impress upon him and world.
    Each week I have been doing/trying something different sociallly..
    How about we all do that, just one new little step out and forward, would love to hear others,
    my next new thing this weekend is ballroom dancing then maybe pole dancing that is just for me.
    Tomorrow’s brave step is asking for more vaca time at work, in lieu of raise. Will do.

  8.  #8Reshi on October 22, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    Alias Girl, you’re so cute, I just want to pick you up and snuggle you. ;D

  9.  #9Caroline on October 23, 2008 at 7:34 am

    When I first left my marriage of 19 years, I enrolled in a bellydance class because my ex had told me that I stand and walk like a man. I loved that class, I felt so sexy and alluring and very very feminine. I firmly believe that dance is the best form of therapy for feminity. For the last 2 years of my marriage, I was s e x u a l l y neglected and couldn’t even get him to kiss me. During that time my body began to openly express itself and rage at constant inferno. It is so embarrassing to realize that you’re unconsciously verbally expressive and instantly responsive to the slightest brush. I had a very embarrassing moment on a business trip when my business partner sat next me and simply brushed his leg against mine. I didn’t realize why he was looking around searching to see if anyone noticed until he turned and looked at me the largest eye popping look. My reaction was slow but the instant I realized I was humming aloud, I blushed and dropped my head.

    I have no problem staying on all day. It is at times a burden but also exciting. The unfortunate effect is that my hands, soles of my feet, and core are always burning up. Taking a cold shower only enhances the inferno. My current man cannot touch me in the slightest without the steamer whistling. He complains that he is not enough for me and that I am too hot. Lately that has caused him to turn away from me. He complained just last night by saying that he is not a machine. I try to hold it back because I don’t want him to feel pressured and no matter what I say, I can’t seem to dispel it. So, I try to keep my mouth shut but I am openly expressive and it goes against my nature. I’m struggling with what to do.

  10.  #10Carmela on October 23, 2008 at 10:18 am


    I felt excited for you hearing about your heat. I wish I felt that hot all the time. Wow!

  11.  #11beautiful on December 2, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Hi Rori,

    With that exercise i can happily say i’m one step ahead of you and oh my god you’re so right!! Just allowing myself to feel and touch with that feeling is awesome. Interestingly, after 30 add years on this earth, i am opening up to my sexuality. I am also allowing myself to feel feminine, all those girly ‘stuff’ i rejected over the years, i am now opening up my heart to them. thanks to you rori i am learning to feel my emotions and ride through them. some days arent as good as others but i feel i will eventually get to be at peace and one with myself afterall i feel i deserve it!!

  12.  #12Rori Raye on December 3, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Welcome, Beautiful, and so glad this feels good to you! Love, Rori

  13.  #13nir on December 8, 2008 at 11:59 am

    I have spent the whole day crying and reading … this post is amazing … I realized that for so long I hated and feared being female because of what it allowed to happen … all the abuse … for the first time after doing this I got it that it’s okay to be a woman, to be female, that all that is over and I am safe … that I will never have love from a man until I can be a woman and let that female part of myself out from where I have it locked away. For so long I’ve been masculine, so much that I lost who I was.