Twilight and Making Your Greatest Romantic Fantasy Come True

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I’m almost at the end of the book, and then I’ll quickly pick up the sequel. Twilight is for “girls” – the heroine is a teenager – and yet, for me,  it’s a timeless study of what we women are all about.

Bella, the heroine, has a soulmate kind of fantastical romance that is clearly meant to transcend time and space and be every woman’s dream.  And yet – she cannot believe he loves her.  Almost the whole first part of the book is her not believing herself “worthy.” She cannot “get” what he “sees” in her.

Because the hero is magnificent, and she considers herself “ordinary.”

It’s the classic struggle between our fantasies and our low-self-esteem.

It’s the conflict between what we want and what we believe we deserve.

And throughout the book, she puts herself last.  She has always served others, and that is her leading emotional trait.

And – in writing her character – the author has made sense of this by making her brave and smart, with an ability to see the whole picture and what needs to happen – even though she is sacrificing herself for others at nearly every moment.

And isn’t this the way we ALL feel inside?

Isn’t this what we women were ALL taught?

That we are to pine after the Prince – who – even if he SHOWS UP (!) – we are to believe doesn’t really want us.  We come up with all kinds of convoluted ways to explain why he’s showed up – without allowing ourselves to believe the truth – he WANTS us.

This book (I’ll rent the movie and write about it as soon as I do) – is, for me, incredibly powerful (I’ve heard the movie is even more powerful). It works in our subconscious – it’s the romance movie of all romance movies, with the standard woman meets unbelievable man who then rescues her from harm – but it’s her character that moves me (not necessarily the writing or the plot).

Here’s a girl with “issues” – she’s clumsy, can’t dance, doesn’t fit in at school, is not social, doesn’t think she’s pretty….who moves to a new town and is suddenly the belle of the ball.  All of a sudden she’s appreciated.  She’s seen for who she is – a magnetic, beautiful, interesting, brave, strong, kind woman.

AND – she can’t see it. She can’t wrap her head around the attention, the affection and interest being thrown at her.  Her mind was made up about herself, and that’s where it’s staying.

What the hero does in rescuing her is not so much the literal rescuing – but of the rescuing of her opinion of herself. In his presence, she is slowly forced – triggered – to rethink the rigid decisions she’s held onto about who and what and how she is, and how she values herself.

And she fights it tooth-and-nail.  She is a woman who wants to be the superhero as well, who wants to stand toe-to-toe with her man.  All this is good.  But she steps onto the pages of the book as a woman who cannot let herself even appear to be weak or vulnerable – a woman totally stuck in this armor of “I’m okay, I don’t need a thing…”  And then…

…the magic of the hero allows her to surrender.

So, the whole book (and I hope the movie and the entire 4-book “saga,” which I intend to read for us all) is about watching and feeling along with Bella as she learns Strong Surrender.  As she slowly keeps her strength on the inside and surrenders on the outside.

She is totally human and real – full of mistakes and positions and defenses.  And, for me, the book is about experiencing her letting these defenses come down without losing herself at the same time.

Fairy tales with the rescuing Prince are all about this, and that’s why romance stories capture us so deeply.  Not necessarily because we want to be saved, or held down, or “play small,” or defer to a man – but because we need help to surrender.  In order to surrender, we need something supremely strong to trust, to lean on, to believe in.  We can’t let go unless someone is there to catch us if we fall.

So – no wonder we all look for the Prince.  No wonder we look for the hero.  Otherwise, what is there to hang onto if we surrender?

And this is what we’re all working with.  How to surrender in the presence of a regular, fallible, clueless, difficult, confused, weak, imperfect man who is NOT the hero of our imaginings.

How to let go when we’re not sure if he’ll catch us.

This is what I want you to do.  If you can imagine that there’s something that will catch you – and that “thing” is you – “you” expanded to all the corners of the universe – you can sink into even the darkest corners of your mind and heart.

If you have a religious or spiritual faith – this will work for you – as long as you allow the presence of that feeling of faith and love to surround you, to live in you, as a completely accepting experience no matter what you do or what you think.

If you can imagine that you will be okay as you sink into the worst of your imagination, the worst and ugliest of your feelings and situation, you’ll start to feel a beginning glimmer of trust in yourself to get more and more solid, stronger, heavier, more and more trustworthy.

Essentially – yes – “The hero lies in you.”  And, yes, I know that doesn’t sound very romantic.

But it is – especially to a MAN.

So – as Bella struggles to find the hero in herself that’s strong enough to allow her to surrender to the hero outside, in her life…

…as we work to become our own hero – then that hero inside us can become a heroine, too – a girl version of the hero…and now we’re really going somewhere…

Imagine your inside hero as a very masculine, rock solid, fantastical creature. How does that feel to you? Does it allow a man to show up that you can surrender to yourself with?

Now imagine your inside heroine as a very feminine, fantastical creature.  How does that feel to you?

I want you to feel the difference.  Sometimes the feminine heroine doesn’t do the job. Sometimes it’s not enough to keep you going, keep you rescuing yourself.

And this is the key to being a goddess, being a Siren, being a Diva – your ability to embrace your masculine core of strength along with your feminine core of strength.  To embrace a masculine, action oriented you in the world, and a feminine, totally feeling you on the outside.

Bella struggles through the whole book to basically “define” what it is to be a girl, in an over-the-top situation.

It’s my opinion that every moment, for each of us, is a balancing act on a high wire.  We are constantly afraid of falling off.  We are constantly looking for someone else to save us.

For now – imagine falling off.  Let yourself fall off the wire.  Let yourself smack down on the pavement and then slowly, miraculously get up, and with a glowing smile on your face, climb to the wire again.

We’re going to explore this concept more and more, let me know how this idea works for you when you’re out there looking a man straight in the eye.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Linmayu on April 3, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    First post!

    WOW, yes, the masculine hero and the feminine heroine feel very different! With the man, I can surrender completely…of course, I have known him for a while… With the woman, I still feel guarded. Or not even that. I don’t think I like the feeling of an inner feminine heroine, because it feels unnecessary and even competitive–instead I feel I want to BE that heroine.

  2.  #2alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    NO FREAKING WAY! i am on this blog 24 hrs a day. HOW DID I MISS FIRST POST????? unbelievable.

    now i gotta go read what rori has to say.


    nice linmayu 😉

  3.  #3Linda on April 3, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I appreciate this post very much. I wrestle with myself sometimes. Especially if I am meeting with someone for the first time. I find if I dont really care about them I can feel strong.. let my inner strengths flow out but all the while they have a very soft femine appearance. If I am with someone that I really like… then I get flustered inside, wondering… “wow I dont want to appear the wrong way” “I want this to go well”….My soft but strong confidence gets blurred because I am not focused on the right thing. Wanting him to like me and not just being myself, which would probably do the trick anyway.

    I am learning things about myself through each time of meeting someone in circular dating. I am me and feel together, calm and seamless. If I have an interest, I may start out that way but I get a little off track with my inner self and get distracted about what he might be thinking, feeling.

    I met someone in circular dating off of Plenty of Fish that I really had some interest in. Our meeting was wonderful. “It was like everything around me dissapeared and we were the only ones in the the restaraunt” I notice now that I look back at it that I did not get distracted and flowed in my strength and soft softness totally operating together. It felt wonderful.

    Here is when it gets out of whack for me… After such a wonderful first meeting and subsequent times, I liked him more and more.. When he first approached me he was open and forward…after about a week he was acting distant and behaving in ways that triggered me. While I was very awared of what was going on inside me, I felt all fumbley inside lot my anchoring so to speak. My head started to go to the wrong focus him and not me. I lost my inner quiet calm strength and that upsets me. I should be more concerned with what is going on inside me and putting energy into that over trying to adjust to accomodate his energy especially if it becomes cold and distant. That is his problem with himself not anything to do with me.

    This man has taught me to the importance of where to keep my head and my focus. My inner siren will not be compromised then. My convictions and my actions must stay aligned. He and I dont see each other anymore now, and I am disappointed about it but…I have not taken blame for it nor feel responsible for his departure. He was emotionally unavailabale to me too much baggage…and would not open his heart.. he walked all around me on the outside, I was open and receptive warm……it was like he was peering into a display window wanting to go inside the store and purchase . but ultimately he walked away saying…he tried but said “it (meaning something lacking in me) was just not all there for him” The sad thing is that he has missed the best opportunity he has been offered in a long time. Maybe he will be back…I left the door open.

    What have I learned… 1) I have made lots of progress since my last relationship. I used to take everything on as my fault and tried to fix things. I did not go there this time.
    2) I recognized that I can begin to unravel when things dont feel like they are going well when I am interested in someone and want things to progress. I need to work on that. I leaned forward some and lost myself a bit .
    3) That I need to stay relaxed, let things go and let him lead. If he is not giving me what I need, see him as disqualified but keep myself open so I can target my Mr Right.
    4) I did not run out long senerios and have an imaginary relationship with him..(even though I had a vision of a life with him) it was real and I kept my feet on the ground and head out of the clouds, (even if I did get a bit disjointed)

    I long to have a hero come and rescue me… I pray everyday that I be brought the man whos heart is prepared for a woman such as I. That is how I keep my focus on getting the relationship I want and targeting the man that will be in my life.

    This blog helps me and my faith too. I am challanged here to stretch my attitudes and it has given me insite into things inside that I was not aware of before. I am thankful.


  4.  #4alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    aawww. this post made me cry. i relate to the character rori is describing. i want my hero-man to show up. and i want to be able to strong surrender to him. i feel good just writing that. yum. i feel good i am learning so much with all my practicing. i am actually learning to be Kind to disgusting. i feel compassion for mr disgustings. i feel bad even calling them that. yae! come trigger me. come one come all, come trigger me! yae! i can’t wait to get to the alias girl meets her hero part of the story. swwooooonnnn. 🙂

  5.  #5Ann on April 3, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    I am glad to be back at my computer been away from it for a couple of days.

    First I want to say Reshi I felt sad to hear of the death of your grandfather. I was sending your family prayers and big hugs to you too, even tho I didn’t get a chance to tell you Wednesday.

    I felt thrilled to read this post. I thought YAY a book I’ve read. I own the whole series and movie also. Personally, in the book I wasn’t too thrilled with Bella she seemed too whinning and dependant on him to me. I really struggled with reading this book but kept at it because everyone was saying it was such a good book. I liked it better by the end.

    Now to the hero inside me I can feel her at times. But alot of the time when I’m trying to take care of me, which ever way I can at the moment and someone will come along and either tell me I’m having a pity party, or thinking about no-one but me or just being a uncaring bitch. Truthfully, this causes me to want to numb out backoff and shut down alot of the time. I will feel angry and/or hurt. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I say screw you and yell and scream.

    With the help of this blog I’m learning whichever way I deal with it, I then need to get myself back to where I feel good about me. I’m working on gettng back to feeling good at this moment.

  6.  #6alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    linda i feel very happy to hear you are still doing circular dating with your successes and misses and insights! i know for me when i actually starting sharing my true feelings after being triggered is when things started to shift. if you can afford targeting mr right it’s pretty great. i know i am constantly pushing the program. i know. but it’s because it Shifted me.

    maybe you can go in halves with a girlfriend and share it. ? (illegal copyright issue) is borrowing a copy right issue? i don’t know. but even if you can’t get it you will work through it and find your way. i feel very happy to read your progress.

  7.  #7Linda on April 3, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Thank Alias girl… I am learning and growing I will look into getting hooked up until then I will let my intuition lead the way. If I dont agrue or compromise it I usually finish well.

    Thing is… this last guy I really had some connection with I feel may be back. I hope for another chance to improve on my interactions, even though he has some baggage and issue (who really doesnt) he has easily admits to them and wants to get free of them… so I wait and watch and in the meantime… keep dating. Not hanging my hat on anything but it is okay to hope for the one you liked to straighten up and return. I wont take crumbs but would be open to him if he offered the whole loaf!… that would be a great time!


  8.  #8Daria on April 3, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I don’t get it. And I feel mad and triggered. A guy just texted me a deep thing about how I need to trust myself and me…

    then next post he writes so will i relax

    I feel triggered and confused…

    I feel annoyed.

    I can feel my hero but I am scared to be a man in the world or whatever that means. I guess I am scared to make money and support myself. Jolly fuck.

    I can feel my feminine goddess. I like her and it feels sexy but I also feel like a judging nose in the air bitch. which I don’t like.

    rarrgh. I feel head pulsing dizziness.

    I want to attract friends to myself right now. I feel like I have retreated to a mountaintop.

    I just realized that the place I used to hang out, in front of my friends house (and in front of that dude’s house) was filled with men. So it wouldn’t be a bad place to use my boy energy and go there and practice my hobby: breathing fresh air while sitting in front of a house.

    Except I had pulled back from that which felt painful so maybe I punished myself for no reason. Actually I would get triggered by “that dude” so maybe not the best place to hang out although it felt the most like “home” to me of anywhere.

    I feel ANGRY and I don’t know why. I kind feel like crying. GRRRRR I feel angry.

    I feel like there is no way I will meet a guy for me because I am so amazing and unique. Also I want my man to be all about me and be willing to travel to me and go live in Brazil.

    I feel like that’s a tall order and there’s no one that can fill that.

    That’s like a guy who decides… you know what I only want a supermodel looking woman, because that’s what I want.

    I feel like I’m learning to be by myself because I’m going to spend the rest of my life by myself.

    I don’t even know what a fin relationship would feel like. It feels like it woudl feel annoying, suffocating, or trapped.

    My relationship in highschool when the guy liked me felt like that. It got to the point where I felt repulsed by him physically even though he was 100% handsome and what I had wanted lookswise.

    I even stopped liking guys with muscles because he had them.

    umm i m getting a call

  9.  #9Daria on April 3, 2009 at 5:40 pm


    well I feel sad.

    So the guy on the phone I started talking and texting with today. I met him online. He sounded really nice, kinda dorky, but I felt attracted to him though a little insecure. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away (he says… I’d say more like 3 1/2).

    so what happend : he said when can I see you. I said I have free time let me know when you want to see me and I’ll let you know if i’m free.

    He said he’s going to be performing at an amusement park (about 1 hr away from me) next weekend. I said I don’t really want to drive.

    He said: so to see you I’d have to drive to you everytime… every time…

    I FELT SO AWFUL. It’s like guys are just not willing to put the effort in for me. This kinda thing comes up almost EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME.

    I felt like I was actually going to cry. I said nothing. He said I assume that means yes. I said I feel bad. He said it’s ok… I said… um… I don’t feel very good right now, do you think you can call me back… he said ok.

    Then I cried.

    I feel so disappointed and gross.

    Obviously I can’t get guys to come to me. I must be expecting too much to get them to come to me. I guess I’m just not that kind of girl that guys want to worship and put in all the effort for.

    I feel sad. I love my sadness… I love my rage that i can feel vaguely. I love my nausea and disgust and disappointment and heavy heavy arms and heart. I love my desire to puddle melt and cry.

    I love my sigh of feeling defeated. I love feeling defeated over and over and over again.

    Can anyone help with this driving issue?

    What do you guys think?

  10.  #10Daria on April 3, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    I feel like such a bitch expecting guys to drive to me everytime. I guess that’s what the problem is. I feel like I’m expecting too much and they pick up on it. How do I stop?

  11.  #11Ann on April 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Right now I would just like to feel connected to people. To feel it was ok to me without feeling judged. To feel I don’t have to act the way other people expect me to, not meaning they have to agree with the way I act but that unless I’m hurting someone besides me then let me handle my emotions my way. Let me work through it. I sometimes don’t act the way people think I should which can lead to angry/hurting words I don’t like hurting others and I sure as hell don’t like to be hurt.

    I’d like to be connected to a group of women who don’t feel or act competive. I’d like to be connected to a group of women who support each other. They might trigger each other but they still support each other. I’d like to be connected to a group of women who can feel what they feel without blame. I’d like to be this kind of woman the majority of the time. I’d say all the time but I know everyone has slip ups.

    Oh wait I am connected to a group of women like that here on this blog. But I wish more women around here were like that. My daughter and I are like that unless we have a slipup.

    I’d like to share a story I read the other day. Can’t remember whose site it was from tho.

    One day Meher Baba asked his followers: “Why do people shout at each other when they’re angry?”

    The followers thought a few moments and one said: “Because we lose our cool that’s why we shout.”

    “But why shout when the other person is next to you?” Baba asked. “Isn’t it possible to speak softly? Why do you shout at someone you are angry with?”

    The men made some other suggestions but none of them satisfied Baba. Finally he explained: “When
    two people are angry, their hearts separate from each other a lot. To cover the distance of the separation they have to shout so they can be heard. The angrier they are the louder they have to shout so the other heart can hear over such a distance.”

    Baba went on: “What happens when two people fall in love though? They don’t shout, they speak gently, why? Because their hearts are really close so the distance between them is small. When they fall in love even more what happens? They don’t speak, they just whisper and they become even closer in their love. In the end they don’t even need to whisper, all they need to do is look at each other. So that’s how close two people are when they really love each other.”

    “So when you argue, don’t let your hearts separate, don’t say things which separate you further.
    The day will come when the distance is so great that you won’t be able to find the way back.”

  12.  #12Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    It occurs to me I have spent my life looking for a man who would rescue me. This is a huge expectation to have. what I am finally learning, even through the disappointments with men I am attracted to yet ultimately go nowhere with, is the defining of what my core needs are. Like in this book, or what Rori says of it, I need romance. It trumps money, even looks for me, if there is some kind of connection.
    I have much in common with this character, we all probably do. I don’t want to be Cinderella, I just want to live happily ever after.

  13.  #13Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    You know what, it’s so odd. I never had this much trouble before finding a mate. Why has it suddenly become so complicated? are my needs greater or my shortcomings?
    I would just meet a guy, whereever I went if I “needed one” and we would get involved. Now I can’t even get a decent date to repeat itself.

  14.  #14alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    ann xoxo i loved that. i feel deeply touched. and teary. thank you.

  15.  #15alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    daria i’m at a place where i am really trying to practice being authentic.

    ie. i feel like a bitch. i don’t want to drive to meet men.

    ??? then a Real conversation might happen. what’s the worse that could happen? you lose a guy you’re going to lose anyway.

    and of course you are worth it. you are goddess daria.

  16.  #16Daria on April 3, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Crap no one wrote me back… I feel dissappointed.

    I also like the story about the hearts Ann thank you.

    I got a text from the guy with the driving… he said I hope you feel better I will call you after the concert. I think he didn’t know I don’t feel good meant I feel like I’m gonna cry.

    I wrote… I feel awful… like I’m not good enough for a man to drive to and take out… I don’t like feeling like that…

    well… one thing is I’m really getting good at this

    Feeling message + Truth statement thing.

  17.  #17Ann on April 3, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Daria I don’t feel like you’re expecting too much asking a man to come to you. But all that matters is how you feel about it. If you went where a guy was but stayed lean back after you got there would that help you? I feel we each have our own way of working these tools, and what one of us does might not work for another. But if we share how we do the tools we all benefit.

  18.  #18Daria on April 3, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Hehe… thanks Alias girl. Yay.

    I really like the

    I feel like a bitch statement. I forgot about that. That’s very authentic.

  19.  #19Ann on April 3, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    AG, Daria glad you liked the story. It really touched my heart but hell it’s hard to remember in the moment well at least right now it is.

  20.  #20Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Truth is, I really don’t like driving to guys. It makes me feel resentful, like I am having to work too hard. and it is for me. Every time I go out, I have to arrange childcare, drive to NYC to meet these guys, pay for parking, it’s a fortune and a major journey. I don’t mind meeting/driving halfway for a first date, but you know what, I always raelly like the guy who will make the trip for me. Going the extra mile, literally, is an indication of what he will do for you personally, in a relationship.

  21.  #21Daria on April 3, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Ps – I got a sweet response about how he’s gonna drive here and take me out. I was just asking a question! Dont take things in a bad way like that becasue they’re not meant like that and you’re are good enough.

    Alias girl did you mean You are at a place where you’re really trying to practice being authentic?

    or that I could say that…

    or both…

    actually I think I know the answer you meant YOU are

    but its kind of a cool thing to say…

    Thank you Ann. You are right that driving to a guy (not all the time) and staying leaned back Might work for me.
    I like it more when they drive to me though. That was a big step for me to require this back in the day last year.

  22.  #22Daria on April 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Yes Linda… I feel resentful too sometimes. If that happens I STOP (doing it… or basically driving) or paint myself with love.

    When I drove to a guy last week I got really upset when he asked me to stop and also get a soda. Now normally that wouldn’t have upset me if I wasn’t feeling already like I was doing a lot.

    Fortunately I authentically communicated through that and it also worked out nicely.

  23.  #23Ann on April 3, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Linda G I agree. I have guy friends and I don’t like going where they are all the time. I feel if they’d like to hang out with me they’d come out where I am. BUT if I’m out and they extend a invite to come where they are and I FEEL like then I go. It’s a opportunity for me to practice the tools on real live men. It’s a opportunity for me to have fun and feel good.

    But if I was on a dating site I would meet them half way ONLY if I FELT like I wanted too. I wouldn’t be financially able to do that very often so I’d probably have something on my profile like this:

    I would enjoy meeting new men within xyz radius but I’m open to meeting men from all over who’d like to come to (your town or place your comfortable at)

  24.  #24Ann on April 3, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Yes Daria you did a FANTASTIC job of handling the soda incident last week. I was reading that and go yay Daria you rock. I LOVED the way you told him to get his foot off you(yuck no feet on me either), you were so leaned back there and it sounded like you really enjoyed yourself because you were putting you first at his house lol you go girl

  25.  #25Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Ann, that is a good suggestion, about the distance/radius. Personally, I don’t state any restrictions as far as distance goes. For me, it’s okay that I don’t see a guy every day, so I don’t mind if he’s not around the corner. It would also be great to have someone visit, someone fresh and unique to myself and my environment. I am trying to be open to all men because I feel like I am starting from scratch. I want my boundaries to be more concerned with behaviors and attitudes than transportation.
    maybe I truly am looking to be rescued and swept away.

  26.  #26Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    daria, I was very impressed you were able to handle “the soda incident”. I would have totally flipped and had a face on all night.

  27.  #27Ann on April 3, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Linda G I understand what you’re saying. Their attitudes and behaviors are the most important things I feel. I would have a open ended restriction like that. For me it would let them know I don’t want to travel too far but I’m open to having a fun time with a guy who took the time to come all the way to me. But that’s just me.

  28.  #28Dorothea on April 3, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Daria, I would feel excited to be your e-friend. My email is -panic papers (one word, take out the space) at mail that is hot (also known as that very popular email provider that is the opposite of cold mail (one word))- I hope you can decipher that, I really really don’t want engine crawlers picking up on my comments here through my email because I know people google for my name and email addresses from time to time. Any of the Sirens who want to help me kill time while I’m at work should feel welcome to email me too please. This is not an exclusive invitation but it is a response to Daria saying she feels like more female friends are needed.

    I feel kind of nervous asking to be friends with you, Daria, like boy meets girl nervousness of not wanting to seem creepy or get rejected, which is weird because I’m totally straight, but I can have a really hard time relating to other women. In fact, i feel more that “there is no way i will meet girl friends for me because I am so amazing an unique.” I think you’re pretty fresh on the perspective and can hang. There should be more girls like you in my city, cuz I’m pretty sure I’m already friends with all two of them already living here.

  29.  #29Dorothea on April 3, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    I feel bad, like my compliment to Daria was at the price of cutting down all the Goddesses in my city. I don’t want to do that. I love women. There are so many different types of women who are talented and beautiful in their special ways, and I am proud to be a woman because it is in the company of other Goddesses everywhere I go.

    While I’m at it, this is what I like to think about women that make me feel jealous or ugly or uncool just by existing and through my believing they are just “better” than I am. I used to see a beautiful or charming woman
    and feel so horrible inside. I felt not good enough. Now I think, “Yeah, she’s doing a good job of making women look good, it makes me feel more proud to be a woman. Because we share the same title. Woman.

    Some days I can Jedi mind trick it far enough so that seeing beautiful or charming women in public around the city or my school, which used to trigger me into feeling bad about myself, will instead trigger me to feel MORE beautiful and charming. I love this feeling.

    And I can really feel the vibe now when I am around women who are combative and competitive with other feminine energy as it passes through their lives. I feel empathy for them (but don’t get me wrong, it feels really annoying to be treated like I’m in HS cuz a woman is clearly threatened by you on her turf in some innocuous situation). It feels painful. To feel so much negativity as a general rule when we should be like sisters, and feel proud of and empowered by the strengths of one another…It feels like a bony fist made entirely of dark matter taking their hearts into its hand and snuffing out all the oxygen so it can’t breathe. I feel like this is a deficient simile but I’m going to leave it cuz I know everyone will get me.

    Too much combat and competition in our society from Women, period. We are fed lines in our society about how we should hate men and we don’t ACTUALLY need them, which is a shame because Men are wonderful but their souls got caught in the feminist crosshairs that were meaning to aim for exploitative and unequal treatment, but Exploitative And Unequal Treatment, like all cowards, hides behind men. It’s like a bank robber holding up a baby to get away from the cops without being shot, except they’re men so we don’t consider that we’re aiming at the wrong thing here, but we have the general direction right.

    Then, on top of that, we women have also been trained to feel disdain for other women. We’re trained to feel they are “setting the feminist movement back” by being traditional, or “slutty” by being more liberal, or a “basketcase” for being emotional, or “psycho” for getting attached to their men, or an “attention whore” for enjoying energy coming toward them, or “annoying” if they talk a lot…….i could go on.

    The point is that as women it has been made way too easy for us to hate both sides of humanity, men AND other women. That is too much hate. I don’t ever hear a man say he hates other men LOL just saying that feels hilarious. So we women are even lonelier and more alienated than men are in our hearts because EVERY human relationship could be affected by combative and competitive tendencies we have with respect to BOTH genders.

  30.  #30Ann on April 3, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Oh boy Dorothea, you just said a mouthful of truth. There is way too much hate and judgeing in this world. I personally belief both sexes do it. Some men judge women on looks, age or social status and they judge men on social status and what kind of hot babe(according to their standards) upon their arm.

    Woman judge each other on the same things as well as relationship status.

    I so would like to see woman supporting each other and being open and friendly to good men.

    BTW I sent you a email.

  31.  #31Dorothea on April 3, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    yay ann i’m so glad you could decipher my attempt to evade the web-crawlers!

  32.  #32Daria on April 3, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Oh thank you for the support you guys. I feel so happy you guys thought I handled the soda incident well… I feel so surprised that anyone noticed!


    I am getting better like Alias Girl at sharing my truths.

    I kind of feel detached from the outcome when I give my feeling message + truth. Which is cool.

    Now that guy that didn’t want to drive WANTS to drive, even called me and I feel kinda shaky because I really like him! Whoa! He’s not my type! (My type being super smooth and cool like James Bond or else young and fun… or whatever…the type I’m used to communicating with and feeling comfortable with)

    He actually has a money earning job (a cool one) and seems to be a decent guy. I feel freaked out that I won’t like him enough or

    I kinda feel like I’m attracting these men to hurt their feelings and crash them on my rocks when they find out I absolutely will not commit to them (unless I’m getting married… whcih I don’t Quite feel ready to… except when I’m already feeling involved).

    Gonna work on that but in a hurry to go crash the ball at the dance club. wooo hoo..

  33.  #33Ann on April 3, 2009 at 9:07 pm


    Now put your perfect man check list down, say you go girl he’s coming to you. And go out with him without expectation and just have fun lol

    Seriously I hope you have a fun, lean back, in your girl focused on you, wonderful time with him.

  34.  #34Tracy on April 3, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    I also feel that having a good network of close female friends is a great thing,wether on this blog or out there.It feels safe to always have genuine friends who don’t judge but support.I have this one close bestfriend.I feel that being friends with her has really helped me be a better person and support myself

    Thanks for sharing the post about anger..I really get agitated when i am angry and i shout.I also feel tensed when i feel bossed around and i noticed yesterday that whenever it happens though for some reason it is not the fault of the other,i feel so judged and pinned down and to defend myself i raise my voice and do the exact opposite of what the other person wants…sounds silly when i write it..but i do it all the time….I feel triggered, and i react negatively.Iwant to face these confrotations with a smile.I want to feel through the experience and express myself more authentically.I want to be more truthful.

    i feel so glad about your progress on speaking your truth and being able to speak in feeling messages.I would love to be in that place….i know baby steps…
    i feel that most of the time i honestly don’t speak my truth especially whenit comes to men…i feel scared i will be judged,o the guy will scatter.i feel scared that my truth will not be appealing.I feel cornered all the time because even though i don’t speak it,its right there staring back at me..i feel that i need to work on that…using feeling messages…slowly practising to say how i feel..starting now..

    I feel i should be more honest and truthful when i express myself
    i feel that i focus too much on pleasing people and i need to focus on pleasing me…
    i feel confused when this guy i lke talks to me and comes to see me when he knows very well he’s not available and i feel hurt i feel he’s creating a pattern and i feel scared i might get caught up in his web once again
    I feel that i have made progress with how i relate to men.I feel goddess and divine i feel hopeful that this X who had disappeared is again showing interest.i feel amused and intrigued…i feel grateful that what rori teaches about being vulnerable and loving oneself actually works at attracting others to you no matter how far you’ve fallen.

  35.  #35Tracy on April 3, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I feel that i am discovering a new me…it feels settling and exciting all at the same time….i feel that i am also searching for a prince charming someone i feel safe to surrender to.It feels far reaching but i feel hopeful and feel now thta i can achive it.
    I feel that i need to speak my truth with this x guy.Express how i feel…not really that i like him and find him attractive but more of…
    I feel uncormfortable when you ask for favors all the time.I feel used…
    I feel we can be friends but we should respect professional boundaries since we work together.
    I feel confused when you check up me all the time..yet with nothing concrete to put forward.I feel confused about it…i feel unsettled…i feel ungrounded.
    WOW….thats feel somuch better to let it out

  36.  #36alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    the boy i met texted me more tonight and said he can’t wait to get to know me more. 🙂

    i feel scared if my hero ever shows up i will be like that character rori wrote about and will not be able to believe he could love me. i feel shakey body and frowney face.

    but anyway i won’t be settling down for awhile so i have time to adjust to someone loving me lots. 🙂

  37.  #37alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    that feels good to read you using feeling messages tracy! sometimes i try and take out the You. sometimes it makes it easier for the person i am talking to hear it without feeling blamed.

    ie. i feel used. i don’t want people just taking from me.

    or whatever.

    i feel

    i don’t want.

    rori’s ebook goes into it more. rori’s ebook is great beginning place for foundation of all her work.

    i feel really good you are using feeling messages and feeling more divine.

  38.  #38Linmayu on April 3, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Indeed, so much depressing truth in Dorothea’s comment. Chicago is full of women and they all hate each other; a lot of women I know brag about having only male friends. It’s like every woman’s mother taught her, there is only one way to be female, and this is it, and everyone who is different is to be looked down on. It feels very fear-based and yucky.

    Fortunately, I don’t find myself in that boat at all. My mother is not the overbearing type, for one. I can’t say that I get along with all women, or even all types of women, but I make female friends easily. I’m nonthreatening, I am pretty sure women can instantly sense that I’m not going to take their men away from them, and not just because I’m only a 6.1 (hey, SOME people called me a 10, so I don’t really care what the other retards called me ;D). Why would I want their men? What do I have in common with their men? I’ll find my own easily enough when I’m good and ready, he’ll fall out of the sky into my lap. (He’ll have to come from the sky because there aren’t weird enough ones on earth. At least not the right kind of weird.)

    I had a blast tonight. I organized a hafla at the arts center where I work, and 3 times as many people showed up as I expected–to be fair, I expected only 2 people would show up, as I slacked on advertising. I got to teach some people some new bellydance moves, learn some new moves myself, and found out about a troupe I can join that meets in the suburbs on Sunday nights. I’ve been wanting something like this ever since I moved to Chicago in 2000, but hadn’t found it, hadn’t been looking very hard to tell the truth. If I’m going to be dancing with these Goddesses on a weekly basis, it’s going to be a very short time before I have to chase the men away with a stick.

    I also must add, I love how Rori used the words “rock solid” to describe the inner Hero. I had written a poem a few days ago about just such a man. Inspired, somewhat, by the scene in Rapunzel when she’s off in the desert alone and the Prince goes searching for her. Here it is:

    Rock-solid man
    I breathe and melt
    feeling your presence across the desert sands as you stumble blindly,
    called to me by an unknown power.

    I know you won’t find me, not any time soon. Yet I will not move toward you.

    I am here, standing on a sand dune as the wind plays with my hair and skirt. I am here, in deep communion with my Creator.

    When you find me, touch me gently. If your sight returns, I will be with you.

  39.  #39Linmayu on April 3, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    On the subject of not being able to believe that a man loves us, I am very much there. I read e-mails from A. and see his words, telling me all the wonderful things (really, literally, ALL the exact things, or at least all that are practical to say when you have only seen each other 4 times) that Rori says that men SHOULD feel about us, and I find it hard to let myself believe them. It is easier to believe that he’s just an incredibly well-practiced seducer, which I imagine he is…but there is real emotion, real feelings in the mix as well.

    The other day a co-worker very matter-of-factly told me that I was all kinds of hot, and this made no impression on me whatsoever. I couldn’t believe that he was actually saying that about me. It just did not want to register, it wanted to bounce right off. Even though logic tells me that I am exactly his type (short, curvy, different race from him) and it’d be quite natural for him to be attracted to me. I find him attractive as well but he is the kind of man that you RUN LIKE HELL from, not the kind of man that you date.

    I cannot believe these things, even when they are said right to my face. I suppose, in a way, that makes these men my hero-messengers, rescuing my opinion of myself from the set-in-her-ways part of me that insists “I’m old and I’m a 6.1 and no man in his right mind is going to even look at me, much less want me, despite the fact that I know how to belly dance. Lifelong celibacy 4 the win!”

  40.  #40alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 12:28 am

    how could you not feel sexy belly dancing??? like totally i’d feel like shaking and shimmeying hotness.

    i had this text exchange earlier today with that guy named jay (that i named psycho in my phone) the guy who hung up on me to study. he kept texting me things and finally i just asked him to please stop.

    i was going to put the whole txt convo here but then i thought that was mean and i’m trying not be judgmental. i’m striving to be more loving.

    but it was interesting bc i kept with it even though i felt so triggered.

    one text would be like

    i like you

    and the next text would be
    fuck you bitch

    then the next text would be

    give me a chance

    i mean i’m paraphrasing but it was seriously that extreme.

    and i just kept with the feeling messages. sometimes i told him i felt attacked. one time i told him i felt compassion and understanding. but i had to use i feel attacked several times.

    i felt so ugh but in the end i felt really powerful and also kind of like i might have even helped him. or not. that wasn’t my main focus. but finally i said i’m going to stop texting

    then he texted
    i still care about you alias girl.

    ? i never even met him or had a conversation with him. other than when he hung up on me two seconds into our first and only conversation.

    my point is that men Really Respond to non blaming feeling messages. it’s like ice cream to them or something.

    anyway i have become very sireney and i like it alot. i really want my exes to show up so i can be all sireney with them. maybe they will stop punishing me now. hahaha.

    since i won’t be punishing them anymore. sirens don’t punish. sirens use feeling messages.and truth statements in feeling messages. and paint myself with love. i feel delicious!

  41.  #41Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 1:41 am

    Thanks for responding…you are right about leaving the YOU part….it should be all about me and how i feel about the situation.Thanks for correcting that.
    I feel happy that i am actually doing feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
    I am really practising on the feeling messages as a way of telling my truth which i feel is the step for me to start expressing myself more openly and being more vulnerable…
    wow!…..if only i had more men to practise on..i feel scared of circular dating sometimes.My first few experiences have been horrific.I feel discouraged and overwhelmed by it.I feel the difficulty of trying to communicate and getting to know guyz for the first time and it feels tiring at times..
    I feel i should work on me first but try and circular date more just for the fun of it….i feel hopeful…

    I feel happy for your progress and your new goddess feeling…you go gal!i feel inspired to keep working on myself as i feel that your vibe and divine self has really changed..i feel the change and it inspires me…keep posting



  42.  #42Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:21 am

    I love Tracy’s feeling messages. I love Linmayu’s poem. I got shivers. I love Alias girl’s texting with weird guy.

    I got a ticket for wearing my seatbelt improperly. It is 100 dollars. I feel so angry. I feel so humiliated the policeman treated me rudely I felt and I did not really do anything wrong. I was lost in the middle of a bustling downtown street and I made a turn that was probably legal… in a city that everyone makes weird turns in… so I feel embarssed to get pulled over. He told my friend that he was should have been giving me a ticket for turning from the wrong lane, but since I have a terrible driving record hes giving me a break. I said ok he said no Im talking to her. I felt so offended.

    I feel awful. Got a stupid ticket for a stupid turn that I proably didnt even make and that really proably made it because of safety of people all out in the busy street.

    I feel so bad that a man would do this to me. I feel like I’m not good enough and like I’m trash for having a bad driving record. I cant believe he said that rude thing to me.

    Also guys were like flowing all around me to talk to my friend. she has a really nice body. I looked nice too but it seemed like waves of guys were just tryna talk to her. Fortunately I didnt feel bad. I did feel a tiny bit jealous but I realize i stiffen up when so many people are out and I feel dressed sexy.

    Also my shoulders, middle HURT from the anger about the ticket. I melted the middle hurt by noticing where it was and thinking love to it. IT flowed up into my head and started squeezing aroung my jaw. Thank you.

    How can I use the policeman trigger?

    I felt so powerless and stepped upon. I felt reminded of rude people from when I was young, of archetypes of corrupt politicians, all kinds of stuff. I felt like a man had done something mean to me like shoved me. I felt bad. I felt unworthy. I felt angry. I feel weird. I feel squeezy in my neck and lower back… I love my squeezy. I feel ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED. I feel nausea.

    Yuck… I feel so gross. I feel violated. I feel vile disgust horrific humiliating repulsion. YUCK YUCK YUCK.



  43.  #43Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 5:15 am

    I’ve made a huge mistake. I rearranged my work and life to prepare for what I thought was going to be this mega romantic day with a guy who was driving 4 hours to see me after months of very romantic connected emails. He is not showing up and I am feeling so let down. I know I should not have put so much energy into him, but he was, I thought, the first glimmer of hope for me to feel something.
    I am ashamed I am and always have been this romantic victim/heroine. But for me, at least i’m feeling something, even though it’s pain, it feels better than feeling nothing for anyone, or worse, from anyone.

  44.  #44Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 5:22 am

    I hate that the cop made you feel so bad. Seems to be what they consider a perk for their job, the ability/permission to feel superior. And over a driving mistake. Really.
    I also understand your enviousness for your friend getting attention. I have been there, too, with a friend who was so American Beauty gorgeous that men would shove me aside to get to her.
    But your light shines just as strong, only it shines for the type of man who has the stature to look and really see it. A real man, with depth and value. Not the type of man who looks at a woman as a reflection of what he wants to see in himself. The type of man who will abuse a woman should she ever gain weight, or stop serving him, which is the type of man that cop is. Yes, she is pretty. But real beauty endures, emanates from the core, and can only be recognized by the few who are truly worthy.

  45.  #45Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 5:24 am

    As women, we are so ingrained with the notion that our worth is borne from the approval and acceptance of others. We ignore our own light, begging for attention, unable to breathe unless a man validates us. This is how I was brought up.

  46.  #46Linda on April 4, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Hi Linda G… this is the other Linda. I had a huge issue with vailidation and not feeling good about myself unless someone (men too) approved of me. It was a hard thing to overcome and learning to love myself for me took a bit of concerted effort. I would literally look in the mirror and say I hated myself, call myself an idoit, say I was ugly, and held much self contempt. It would always come out when things were bad in my life. but I carried it around all the time. Like you I was taught to seek approval. Get an A on your reportcard get approval… say the something good gain approval… look a certain way, behave a certain way… gain others approval. I have always been a loaner in a way because of it. I never ran with the crowds and kept to myself because of early attempts to be accepted without success. So I just decided that I wouldn’t try but always acted like it did not mean anything but secretly it lay there, wanting true acceptance. I am aware that lots of my friendships in life were with people that I felt like I was superior to in some way, dressed better, smarter, prettier, etc…I did not realize that until later in life, but again I think it was related to me setting myself up for success in my way. If I was better then… they would automatically find me worth something and have their approval. Sheesh…. thankfully things have shifted.

    I believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason the good and bad and they are opportunities to grow and learn… so my story continues.

    Last year I was in a wonderfully fullfilling relationship. Was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. It all came to an end and it was the hardest “death” I have ever encountered in my entire lifetime. This event is the event that has brought so much change in me. When I was going through it I would look in the mirror and repeat my internal mantra… you are ugly etc etc. I would feel terrible 24/7 because my self worth was all wrapped up in this relationship. If he did not call or text I felt down. Even if he did call or text I was dissappointed in what was said and I felt worthless …. until I got tired of feeling this way. Months of that gets so tireing. I was like a walking dead person. Then I found this website…. I read a post from Rori that said, paint yourself in love. What a concept… how can you do that to something you hate and feels worthless. i.e. me! But I went to the mirror and said good things to myself. I took baby steps… somedays all I could say is “your self worth is not dependant on whether he calls you or what he says”… I would look at my face and say, I like your nose.. or freckles… slowly I began to stop the self condemation and then something happened. I sat down and looked at all the things that I was unhappy about in my life things that had not gone the way I wanted. My old marriage, interactions with people that were bad, this last relationship etc… and I realized that through it all I had managed to get through, learn something and walk on. The things I had met with great sadness and that felt like failure were indeed times that strengthened me and developed my character. They are now times that I call “grace points”. My journey in life has made me the woman I am today. The good and the bad of it I fully embrace. I am proud of the woman I have become. She is giving, strong, tender, open, intuitive, resillient, creative, sensitive, loyal, pretty, has a great smile, intelligent, wise, faithful, honest, sexy… These are the lables I wear now not what others put on me. My self worth is no longer tied to anothers opinion of me. There is a freedom to be me in the midst of any rejection and situation now because I believe in me and better yet like myself.

    This what we think and say of ourselves carries so much weight in our lives. It will actually direct into unhealthy relationships and situations if it is negative. Seeking others for our validation is like owning this beautiful car and turning the keys over to someone that is blind, deaf and mute, expecting it to be driven without incident and be returned unmared.

    Look at yourself, when you struggle with selfworth and acceptance … embrace yourself list the things you are proud of about yourself irreguardless of your present successes or dissapointments. It will bring you to a new place and give you the strength to carry on. Dont let men become the king or lord of your heart. Dont slide into anything until it is real and hold on to yourself even when your “true king” comes to claim you. That is where fairytales come true”… Know who you are and never loose her.


  47.  #47Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Dear Linda;
    I am so moved that you have chosen to divulge so much of who you are with me. You have brought me to tears, not for your struggles with self, but tears for your self realization, your ability to shine forthe and brim with strength from your core.
    When I look in the mirror, sometimes I see a gorgeous being, other times a woman who is losing her prime, has not yet fully developed nor had the fortitude to actually make something of her life.
    My relationships have all ended in disaster, with me crawling and overfunctioning. 12 years ago I decidded to have children on my own because I felt no one would ever really claim me for the long haul.
    My best friends are always ones who live far away, so I don’t have to expose myself completely, even from oher countries and cultures. To them I seem exotic and special, even though when I am not around them, I don’t feel special.
    My children love me, but I am afraid I cannot provide the emotional support they need, certainly not the financial support, even though I wear very expensive clothes I buy on credit, on sale, to play the part of the life I wish I had.
    Point is, I am desparate for some input from a man, some adoration and attention, but I am foolishly waiting for the dream, which does not exist.
    This guy who didn’t show up today just emailed me after I got your reply. He has been recovering from an injury, complications, blah blah blah, didn’t he know that a few days ago when it happened?
    he wonders if our meeting is meant to be, such bull, I don’t believe in meant to be, I believe in making it be. And he understands if I write him off, though he wants to continue to communicate and maybe try to come again when he feels better.
    How can I leave myself so open for hurt from a man whom I never met, just for the promise of a liitle attention?
    How do I respond to him? One hands says to forget even responding, the other wants to tell my truth, either way, what will that get me? Perhaps it’s best, maybe I was saving my heart for him, and he hasn’t even shown up. Again, it’s easier for me to have the dream guy than the real guy. I have done everything I can to put up barriers to the disappointment I feel I inspire in my parents, family and children.
    Some days I’m a super woman, working, going to school, looking after my elderly parents, trying to circular date. Other days, like today, I can barely function.
    Thank you for being there, for sharing your strength, offering your ear and your shoulder, your inspiration and experience to me.

  48.  #48Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 8:29 am

    I know, have always known the exact way to behave to get a man, a job, a great life. I have advised countless others to achieve their dreams. If only I believed enough in myself, liked myself enough to do the same.

  49.  #49Maria on April 4, 2009 at 8:36 am

    Hi Linda G,
    How about you write him that you feel sorry for your accident, however as you have put so much energy and effort in the first meeting and also changed your work dates (did l understand correct), you really do not want to arrange things same way again, so agree on communication, but let him know that meeting will happen only when you can and if he arranges it all (meaning, books the restaurant and drives to the city to pic you up.


  50.  #50Maria on April 4, 2009 at 8:42 am

    *sorry for HIS accident l ment*


  51.  #51Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 8:47 am

    This is my, I am sure overindulgent response I am composing: Keep in mind, our coerrespondences have all been very literary and like love notes.

    Although I had hoped otherwise, I realized several days ago that something was amiss. I felt ignored and disregarded, unimportant. For me, I don’t believe in predestination, I don’t believe in meant to be. I believe in making things happen, in facilitating circumstances to allow things to happen. I believe in putting yourself out there, shining your light, so others can see you.
    I believe in communication, in connection, acceptance and high regard. I believe in passion and beauty. I believe in happily ever after, finding someone to walk into the sunset with.All that I am, all that I have is eternally with me. It is up to you if you choose to dock your boat on my shore, explore the glory that life has to offer, the secrets I have in my soul.
    As it is also up to you to sail on by, choose another route, another shore.

  52.  #52Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 9:20 am


    Thanks Daria for the encouragement…i feel my heart opening up for the first time..I feel the sadness and fears that i have kept locked up inside of me.I feel the frozen me starting tomelt down…i feel the tears in my eyes as i write this…i feel sadness and i feel helpless..i love my sadness and helplessness….i love me.
    I feel tired of carrying around all these buggage in my heart.The fears and disappointments from my past.The humiliations and lack of standing for myself…I feel tired of feeling used and feeling like a doormat..I feel tired of trying to be nice just to please others and receive validaition from men..
    I want to feel loved and cherised and i want to feel divine and important.I want to speak my truth wether it pleases others or not.Iwant to feel honest and genuine and vulnerable…i accept my sadness and i embrace mmy fears…all of them…
    I FEEL TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO PLEASE EVERYBODY…i embrace those feelings.I want to feel safe without pleasing anyone.Iwant to feel happy by following my heart and walking away when i dont feel good…
    I dont want to feel like i need to seek any validation fromany man..i dont need any validation…i want to feel enough,i want to feel i am worthy of a good and successful relationship.Iwant to feel like a goddess again…I feel insecure sometimes especially now that most of my friendss are married and i am stil dating.

    Linda G,
    I feel triggered by what you said about feeling as though no one would ever accept you on the long haul.
    I feel exactly that sometimes, iam embarrased to admit and i feel uneasy even accepting it as a truth but i feel that….Reading about your post has really triggered me in a positive way as i feel caught up with all that.I feel angry that sometimes i make progress and then i sink back to my sad feelings..i want to love my anger and sadness but it hurts somuch sometimes…

    I love the fact that i am now speaking in feeling messages..saying exactly how i feel…i stiil feel sad inside but i feel settled…i feel hopeful that i am making baby steps…

    Today i really got triggered by one of my X as he wanted me to buy something for him as he did not have the money.I felt used i felt angry that he asked me to do this yet it was he who needed it not me…but i just stood there and insead of saying anything said okay and proceeded to buy it…I feel that i should have expressed my feelings that i felt uncormfortable buying stuff for him.That i felt i was uneasy doing things for himm yet we are not dating. That i feel uneasy being too close to him given that we have a past i feel safer doing my own thing….

  53.  #53Margaret on April 4, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Beautiful post… Rori is your book Stron Surrender available to purchase?

  54.  #54Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Tracy, I have an Ex who I don’t even speak to any more. While we were together, I bought him all sorts of gifts, clothes and stuff. After we split, he initiated a kind of friendship, which I accepted, curious about where it would go, and also we know each other since we are kids, there is a history. He came to my house, days after he bought himself a new motorcycle, because he needed a new jacket to ride in. I do alot of eBay stuff, buying and selling, so he asked me to find him a jacket. I realized while I was there next to him, as I searched fro what he wanted, that he expected me to buy it for him. I was furious, felt like a chump, told him I would check it out later and send him the link. anyway, I did that, but he never responded, which confirmed my theory. PS the only time after that I heard from hi was when he was having trouble on his job and wanted advice/an ear.
    It makes me feel so angry that we get into these ruts with overfunctioning with men, that we can’t get out of them even after we stop being involved.
    But you know, it’s no big deal you bought this for him, it served as a message that next time you maight be brave enough to speak how you feel. Just realizing this is huge, Tracy.
    Baby steps.

  55.  #55Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 9:38 am


    I feel inspired by your post.I feel moved by your experience.Thanks for sharing.i feel inspired to work towards finding myself and safe guarding it until i meet my prince feels good to say that.I feel confident i will find him…i feel encouraged by all the goddess women here and i feel hopeful.I now understand why its so important to get strong on the inside as rori puts it,to love onself and be open..i feel that what i am learning here is great because most of all its healing my past insecurities and helping me deal with myself.the self that has been neglectd and shut down..



  56.  #56Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Linda G,

    Thanks for responding.Yeah i felt really bad…i guess reading Rori’s posts has really opened my eyes because previously i would convince myself that i was just being nice and it was good thing to do…..I felt encouraged when i read your post to just open myself up and how i felt and i am glad i did…
    I feel uncormfortable when i have to keep going out of the way to help him..Ifeel tired of it.and next time i feel confident that i will explain it to him as it is…The truth..



  57.  #57Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Linda G,

    Just reread your post….i do have a major problem with over functioning…funny this guy is always reminding me of how nice i am and kind…yeah…just feel angry thinking about it..I guess there are guyz whopick on that and use it to their advantage..I FEEL however that the more i build my esteem the less i am will to provide for a man…the ;leaning foward sort of way…its hard because it feels like i am working against feels like going against the current…i feel that i should embrace my insecurities about having a good man and a loving family in the future..i feel ishould embrace the fear i have of not meeting my price charming and having a happy and successful family…i feel that if i can accept that part of me and work my way through then i can overcome this overfuntioning to guyz and my family as well…i feel its time i worked on this.
    WOW It feels great opening up..



  58.  #58Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 10:07 am

    You know, Tracy, some guys seem to get so used to our giving to them, that they probably feel abandoned when we stop. But this is not a romantic attachment, it turns the romance into a sort of mommy thing, ya know?
    As far as wanting, waiting for prince charming and all, we need to feel good enough about ourselves to realize we are entitled to a man who makes us feel good, happily ever after. Not in a rescue way, but in a warm. loving, supportive, romantic way.Wanting that, plus a family and all, is not an insecurity, it’s knowing what your core beliefs are, and your requirements for a happy life.

  59.  #59Tracy on April 4, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Linda g,

    He he he…..i feel amused you mentioned the word mum coz thats how i feel to him at the moment..i feel like he’s treating me as such…his mommy…ii feel tired of taking care of men,leaning forward…
    I do agree that i first need to work on me and feel good about myself as you steps…i feel so much better now…i feel happy…



  60.  #60Winks on April 4, 2009 at 11:27 am

    You women are very inspiring! I am just getting the hang of feeling messages and speaking my truth. I have a lot of work to do with it actually. There is a very nice, interesting man who has shown up. He is actively pursuing me, and it’s going nicely.
    But, one night he suggested we order in and watch a movie. So I didn’t eat dinner ahead of time anticipating the ordering in. Then he shows up and says he just ate a burger at a friend’s place so isn’t hungry. He said I can still order in…
    Well I froze. I failed to tell him how that made me feel. I was just…no, that’s ok.
    I find that in the moment I Always freeze. Not sure what to say. Only later do I find the words. Then it’s too late!
    I want one of those will-you-pick-up-a-soda moments!!

  61.  #61alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    ah! i have a goddess question. i am going to an event today that my unfroggy (prince-like?) man is going to be. and he says he’s excited etc. we are not going together. we just both happen to be going.

    what if we eat together? does he pay? he didn’t ask me on a date. i had tickets to this event before i even gave him my phone #.

    does he pay? am i obligated to spend the entire time with him?

    how would i handle the eating together if he doesn’t offer to pay i will feel offended he is not trying to woo me. i fee confused. argh.

  62.  #62alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    winks i felt triggered just reading your post! i once had a guy show up at my house with takeout for him only. are you kidding me?

    but with men you don’t even know what’s going on because they are not drilled with politeness and manners like we are and treat each other barbaric sometimes.

    but i felt furious reading that about the burger! omg.

    linda g i feel confused why there are no

    i feel
    i don’t want statements in your message


    linmayu i also very much loved your poem. i like your poetry a lot. it causes me to feel emotions.

    thanks tracy.

    and all sirens on the island.

  63.  #63Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    You are going to have to play this one by ear. If you do see him, let him suggest you eat together. If he pays for you, you can flirtatiously say, this feels so exciting, are we on a date? Changed my mind. If he pays, just say thank you, it felt so good to eat with you. Now piss off. (kidding) Just pause and give him the chance to set the pace for the next step in the evening. If he doesn’t pay, still be nice and cordial, don’t take offense, but you can excuse yourself after dinner saying, it felt so good to spend time with you/have dinner with you. He is not obliged to pay, even though it would be a dealmaker if he did.
    If he doesn’t pay, you are not obligated to spend the evening with him, however, if he pursues you during the evening, respond warmly. Even if you go with a guy to an event, you are still entitled to speak with other people there, ya know.
    Don’t put so much emphasis on every encounter. Just be your goddess self and let the night unfold.

  64.  #64Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Alias Girl
    I modified my email to him with lots of I feels. No I don’t wants, though. I always shy away from those, like they will sound bitchy, ya know. Even though now that you mention it, I could’ve had some in there. I just told him what I believe in and how it’s up to him to come towards me or not.
    Here’s what I sent:
    Although I had hoped otherwise, I realized several days ago that something was amiss. I felt ignored and disregarded, unimportant. I feel badly you are injured, and I feel your frustration.

    For me, I don’t believe in predestination, I don’t believe in meant to be. I believe in making things happen, in facilitating circumstances to allow things to happen. I believe in putting yourself out there, shining your light, so others can see you.
    I believe in communication, communication with you; I believe in connection, acceptance and high regard. I believe in romance, passion and beauty. I believe in happily ever after, finding someone to walk into the sunset with. All that I feel, all that I am, all that I have, is eternally with me. It is up to you if you choose to dock your boat on my shore, to join me and explore the glory that life has to offer, the secrets I have in my soul.

    Should you decide to set sail for me, details need to be made specific, in advance and confirmed. It is difficult for me, although my grand and absolute pleasure, to put aside a large block of time, due to work, family obligations, etc., as I am aware it is a tremendous effort for you to make the trip to see me. We need to feel our making of these arrangements, the glory of our meeting, the voyage we embark on, has the allure of a unique opportunity.

    It is also up to you, should you choose, to sail on by, choose another route, another shore.

    What do you think?
    then I signed it.

    what do you guys think?

  65.  #65alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    i could be nicknamed The Meddler. like on batman they have The Riddler.


    sorry linda g.

    maybe i could have rephrased?

    ie i feel confused. when i communicate disappointment i try to use i feel statements and i don’t want statements.

    i’m learning.

    sincerely your,

    The Meddler.

  66.  #66Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    my new mantra:

    must not get so invested

  67.  #67alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    i’m not sure if you already sent it so i feel worried to commentm

    i personally would not put that Command inthere about what Needs to happen. maybe there you could put a don’t want.

    ie. i don’t want to commit to a date ahead of time with out specific dates, times etc confirmed.


  68.  #68Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    You are not a meddler, Alias Girl. I feel thankful for your input, truly. I did not mean to discard your impressions, you were absolutely right in suggesting I include Ifeels and I don’t wants in my letter. we are all learning. I feel happy we can communicate freely and teach each other.

    was my letter to him too, I don’t know, like grandiose or something? or overly yucky?
    I am looking at this as an experiment now, as he has not turned up so far, so let me see if I can get a handle on this, although Rori says the lesson is to not get invested. I am digging too deep, I think.

  69.  #69Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    too late, I sent it already. but for what its worth, I agree with you about the command.

  70.  #70ABC on April 4, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Linda G,

    you are such a good writer, i almost choked up a bit reading your letter to him.

    what is your history with this guy (if you don’t mind me asking) is he a guy who responds well to beautiful words like this??

    although it is a great warm letter. however, i got a little overwhelmed reading it…i remember years ago a great Ph D said “men don’t respond to words.” i don’t believe that’s true, but i think he meant men get easily overwhelmed by words.

    that’s how i feel by reading your letter.

  71.  #71Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Thank you for your compliment about my writing. My communication with him has been on this very level both ways to and fro since early February. This is our connection, the similar way we communicate. our correspondence would make a great book of love letters. It’s very unusual, I know for a guy, especially. And he’s such a masculine guy, too.
    He fits my fantasy guy so far, that’s why I’m bummed.

  72.  #72Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    The boy who didn’t call me in advance to make plans but texted be the day-of told me today when I saw him that he was offended i didn’t write back. i could tell he was hoping i would. i told him it’s always better to call, but i didn’t have the balls to say “yeah i ignored your message cuz it made me feel second-rate!”

    He told me he is a total texter. I was like “great, ONE OF THOSE!” hehe.

  73.  #73Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I feel awkward for the way I handled that with him. I feel way awkward. Now I want to go into “damage control” mode. I ended this conversation in person a few minutes ago. Now I want to text him and say “don’t feel offended! Just call me next time” or something like that. I want to extend myself to him. I am Leaning Forward, I guess. I want to encourage him, not discourage him. I feel like in trying to Lean Back this time I have discouraged him. Oops. I don’t want encouragement to be Leaning Forward.

    I hope you ladies can help me.

  74.  #74Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    blargh I really handled that situation like a scared little girl. I tried to joke that maybe *i* should feel offended, but I think it all came out like i’m playing games. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i do not like this feeling.

  75.  #75Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Hi Dorothea
    I have been blogging quite a bit today about my own drama with alias Girl and Linda, etc.
    about texting….
    I’ve had a couple of guys who just love to text. It can be fun, or it can be annoying, depending how you like your day interrupted. maybe you can respond to a tet to go out with, “sounds great, feels like a good plan. it would feel great to talk about this by phone”
    this way you give him what he wants, a text, but maybe you acn turn him into a phone guy, at least some of the time. even texting, “I don’t like texting on my phone, it’s uncomfortable/awkward to text on my keypad. I would feel more comfortable if we could talk.” or “it feels more personal/intimate if I can hear your voice”.
    I don’t thik you put him off you by saying it’s better to phone. He should know if he wants you, he needs to phne, and… call ahead, which I wouldn’t say but i would reply next time with I’m so disappointed I am booked. amore important issue than text vs call. no?

  76.  #76Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    omg i am going to do it. there is so much electricity in my little texty fingers. must. txt. boy. must. tell. him. it’s. ok.

    “don’t feel offended! Just give me a call next time!”
    “don’t feel offended! just give me a call next time!!!!
    don’t feel offended goddamnit just give me a call next time
    don’t feel fucking offended just bloody call me

    ok some of that energy is now all over this comment and not in my anxious little texty fingers.

  77.  #77Maria on April 4, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    God, l need a shoulder….l DONT want to circular date:((lm having my first triggers in online dating and l DONT like it!!! :((((((( what should l do? l dont feel l find what lm looking for, just a bunch of negative feelings………Daah, now l feel like l rather be single thań go through monsters again.


  78.  #78Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Maria why do you feel such negative expectations? i feel so curious…….

  79.  #79Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    On line dating can be a real eye opener, I know. I try to look at it like a shopping trip. I can try any one of these guys on and if I don’t like him, I can return him.
    Not every encounter is a milestone, just something to do, a way to buff up your dating skills. An excuse to dress up, be careful with your make up. an incentive to workout.
    Switch to decaf, you’ll be drinking alot of coffee. And collecting alot of hilarious stories to tell.

  80.  #80Maria on April 4, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    l had just second thought maybe lm not that ready for putting up all the frogs…uhh….

  81.  #81Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    the window of opportunity is closing on me soon to text him what has been trying to burst out of my little fingers!!! ahhhhhhhh. if i wait too long it’ll just be random and weird

    Maria, I used to really dread the frog thing, but Rori’s post about frogs from a while back on this blog was helpful, plus I kind of realize now that I had to pay my dating dues with these frogs if i want to be a total Goddess with the princes. It was true. Once I stopped feeling so awful about frogs, I stopped attracting them so much. Go out with one! You will at least feel great that you took the risk.

  82.  #82Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I feel like getting over the frog thing worked pretty quick for me, actually. I am always around new people and have lots of opportunities to practice, so maybe the transition away from frog land has been accelerated for me. still, the transition is not complete.

  83.  #83Maria on April 4, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    lm having ntotal paralyzed fear, when any of them pushes my buttons that remaind me pain in the past. l know l have to work harder, but lm just sooooo freaked out.

  84.  #84Maria on April 4, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    l remind myself of someone similar who has phobias – liek afraid of water, closed rooms, or high buildings. God l had no idea l was so frightened. Rori, what should l do….

  85.  #85Winks on April 4, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    I have felt myself being cautious with a man I like. So I was going to try to loosen up. Last date I did feel myself surrendering and melting and developing real feelings for him. Mmm.
    Almost immediately I felt FEAR that this would send him Running! So I told him it was time for me to go and ended the date…in a nice melty way. But in the past showing I like someone makes them BACK OFF!
    What to do? What’s with this fear??

  86.  #86Daria on April 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    I feel a little triggered.

    Just got into convo with guy about how effort should not be one sided. 50 50 not 50 0. That if someone drives to see someone 20 times the other person could drive to them once (which I would feel ok with).

    I don’t feel ok with the 50 50 and I don’t know how to express clearly when it comes up. Which it does.

    I feel that a woman gives back through staying real to her feelings and telling the truth to her man. I feel a woman contributes to the relationship by being beautiful and lovely?


  87.  #87Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Aaah Dorothea LEAN BACK NOW!!!

    LEan back…

    MISS THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY! MISS IT!! THAt’s how it goes with the leaning back…

  88.  #88Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Just kidding about the panicked sounding advising.

    You can of course do what you want to do.

    I noticed that when I let the “window of unawkward opportunity” pass and let him make hte move I feel very Goddessy.

    Remember he should be able to PICK UP the relationship regardless of your faux pas (real or imagined).

  89.  #89Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    I have had a guy really insist that I make the forst phone call to him. when I said I’m old fashioned that way (Rori’s words, but I am) and I would feel more comfortable if he would call me. He wrote I was acting like I was 12 and what gives. and I answered that I guess we just don’t see eye to eye on this issue. He tried again to convince me and I just stopped answeruing his emails. If this is your boundary, not driving to men, so be it.
    What would a Diva do? Do you see Angelina Jolie driving to a guy to take him to lunch?

  90.  #90Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    No I would not drive or give in.

    Just having trouble communicating about it. It comes up in almost all my conversations (not driving, mostly the 50 50 effort). I think a lot of us are taught that 50 50 is the right way and until Rori I definitely was entrenched in this position.

    What do you think?

    How do I let him know that I expect him to make ALL the effort and that that is OK and not unfair or taking advantage?

    I feel like the way it sounds now is like I am being unfair. (he says: why the double standard, etc etc)

  91.  #91Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Unfortunately I do see Angela Jolie driving to a guy and maybe giving him lunch for some reason.

    It seems like a fun and cozy thing to do.

    I do not see myself doing it though. I see myself as a Goddess but unfortunately also as “above” or “too good” to do that whcih I am worried is hurting me.

  92.  #92Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    haha but it made me LOL


    of course i leaned back and did nothing.

    i was just testing you guys anyway, really…………. heh………..

  93.  #93Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    All I know is, the cheapest, most selfish guy will stampede over hundreds of other men with flowers and diamonds to get to the one he idolizes.
    it’s only a fun and cozy thing to do once you are in a committed relationship. Even then I feel it makes the guy look at you in a diminished way. I’m older than you, so the guys I date are used to doing the work, more often.

  94.  #94Dorothea on April 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Daria, I want to your question because i have something to say exactly about it, but my girl friend and i are trying to figure out what to wear tonight and i feel sooo distracted. I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise!

  95.  #95Daria on April 4, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Thank you Linda G. I really felt the image of the guy stampeding over other guys with flowers and diamonds to get to the one he idolizes.

    Thank you.

    I feel a little confusion in that as I have never yet met this guy I don’t think he can idolize me yet. Although I will put myself in the position of being idolized by leaning back and respecting my own boundaries.

    Dorothea I feel excited to hear what you have to say about it…

    I also got into a discussion with him about how an ex left him after and argument and he wants a woman that will be there for him even when things get hard… and taht to him that shows weakness

    I feel a little turned off when the guy does not fit into my perfect Rori guy profile. Like when he thinks he should drive.

    I didn’t want to argue but did say that maybe she showed strength by doing what was good for her regardless of what he thought.

    I feel like we are on different sides of the fence now and contradicting each other. I felt upset, worked up, mad and expressed all this.

    I felt him get worked up too and he told me he has more experience in relationships and knows better… where i said WHOA that doesn’t feel good at all! (really liked how calmly and well I said that).

    This is not the first time these kidns of discussions come up. I feel like the lean back and feeling messages work even on guys who resist them, but I would like to be able to express myself clearly to them or not get into the conversations…

    BTW earlier today I was thinking about the blog and wanted to say how Grounding and Good it feels to have women with more life experience than I have on the blog. I really appreciate that and the posts that I read are beautiful and it really helps me to read about the experiences and feelings of those more mature than me. It also helps keep the man behavior in perspective as I see the kind of issues that come up for women of different age levels.

  96.  #96Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    When guys complain to me about their exes and what horrible things have been done to them, I just say, wow, that must really feel bad, validating their feelings without judging them, because, it doesn’t matter who as right or wrong with their exes, just make it ok for him to have feelings in your presence without judging him, oh, I said that already.
    Let’s face it, these guys are all single because some woman threw them out.

  97.  #97alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    so i’m at my event and it seems to me my unfroggy man has some frog-like/ girley qualities. he didn’t text me til three hrs into it to ask if i made it. i said yes i was blah blah blah. he said of me too.

    blech. i feel let down. how come he didn’t text me right away? i thought he was excited. was he just waiting for me to text him? blech. i feel disappointed.

    so then i text him: where you at ? (leaning forward. i wish i hadn’t said this but i love myself. i am learning.)

    he texts that he’s on bleachers by woman’s room.

    (and inside i’m like so. who cares? am i supposed to like walk over there now and search all the bleechers trying to find you? don’t you care where i am? i feel like he’s a girl waiting for me to be the boy. complete ugh. i feel over it. i don’t even feel like texting him back.AT ALL. )

    i feel disappointed by girley men. i feel turned off. completely turned off and shut down towards him.

    what’s my feeling message?

    i feel disappointed. i don’t want a damn girl.


    i don’t know what a truth statement/feelingmessage would be.

    i feel ?

    let down. i don’t want to meet up anymore.

    go away. go find a boy. i feel mean. i feel tired of frog city.

    i don’t want this man for practice anymore. i’m moving on to new men. or no men. better than a girlman.

  98.  #98Ann on April 4, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    AWW Alias Girl I fee saddened for you. I hope you were able to enjoy part of the event. Hugs

  99.  #99Daria on April 4, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    urrrgh… I feel frustrated with guy friend. I’m using feeling messages with guy friends which feels a lil scary.

    Also makes it harder for me to Do stuff like go over there and party. Also I feel all nervous and weird. I don’t want that with guy friend who is not romantic.

    No issue though… just feeling frustrated.

  100.  #100alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    thank you ann. i feel good to read your words. i feel less alone reading your response. yeah the event is pretty cool in some ways. KINDA LOUD though.

    i decided not to text him back. he’s girley. a man would have pursued me. so far her really hasn’t. i feel like he could blow away with the wind. that’s what his interest feels like to me. like something i could blow on and it would fly away.

    i actually saw him here at the event. oh well. i’m moving on.

    we can be pals since i know i’ll probably be seeing him at my hobbie place.

  101.  #101Ann on April 4, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    I have a question for all you ladies. Why am I the only one so far who has commented on the new sex post? I feel so alone over there lol

  102.  #102Ann on April 4, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    I read most of the post earlier from my phone so didn’t comment then. I remember some of you were talking about your preferences on calling and texting.

    I used to be a call(was going to say call girl but that didn’t sound right lol) me on the phone type of girl. I liked and still do to hear the person(especially men when they use that sexy voice LOL) voice when I’m talking with them.

    But now I like both. I have found for me it’s alot of fun to send and recieve text messages. With a text if it’s a conversation it gives me time to word my message the way I feel it would be most heard. And it’s really lots of funny to send and recieve funny, even naughty text messages lol I’m always open to new texting friends.

    Alias Girl your welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed your event even tho it was kinda loud.

  103.  #103Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Alias Girl, and now that you turn away from him, he’ll be there. Enjoy the event you meant to go to, even before you knew him.

  104.  #104Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    So Ps I just got an email response from a guy who asked what my interests were. I used all kinds of sireny feeling messages about nature and art. He rejected me, said my answer was weak and he’s not interested!
    I emailed him back, wow that felt wierd and kind of rude. And then I blocked him and deleted him. Gosh, I love to delete this awful guys. Feels so powerful!

  105.  #105Linmayu on April 4, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Is there a reason not to text? I much, much prefer texting to phone, it feels much less panicked and much more fun to me.

  106.  #106alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    thank you linda g and ann. i soooooo appreciate the support. i felt a little sad. and then i felt frozen towards him.

    i just got a text from him:

    l’m jammi

  107.  #107alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    his text:

    i’m jammin. i didn’t get to see you.

    my frigid text back:

    you didn’t ask to see me. take care. see you later.

    his text:

    sorry. thought it was implied. good night.

    my text:

    ok. goodnight.

    i felt toouninterested to use feeling messages. he thought it was implied? implied that i would come look for him? what the fuckity?

    blah. he’s a good guy but he’s tooooo paassive for me.

    linda g – i used to cut the conversation off after my feeling messages so i could avoid being more triggered again. now i let them respond if they want and see if i can follow it through. it feels awful for me but sometimes i feel more resolved. sometimes they even apologize. SOMETIMES THEY SAVE ME AS A FAVORITE after. ????

  108.  #108Linda G on April 4, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    I view their aggressive comments as a red flag, that they are toxic.

    look how fast you turned that guy around, and then you didn’t even want him!

  109.  #109alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    ann. reason i haven’t gone to next post is that this post is my dream and i don lt want to leave it.

    i feel better. as i was leaving a very cute boy flirted with me and asked me if i signed hiemail list. i said yes. he said where? so i showed him and he kept putting his hand over his heart as a sort of flirty gesture but i couldn’t be sure if he was interested. he told me to put a mark by my email so i put a smiley face. he told me his name. i leaned forward and said ok well you can email me. and then left. i felt weird still standing there bc he had a reason the be there. (the booth he was working) and he wasn’t quite making it clear if he was hitting on me or not.

    whatever. he’s not the first guy to show up.a.he won’t be the last. practice practice practice.

  110.  #110alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    oh i totally hear you linda g. i’ve even practiced with the toxic lately just for the practice. not sure i recommend it but i have enjoyed it. yae. come trigger me.

  111.  #111Ann on April 4, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    AG that ok I was just teasing about the post. I knew you ladies would get to it if you felt you had something to say. I forget you were on your phone when I said that.

    Yay another cute guy to practice with. I’m doing email right now with my email buddy.

  112.  #112alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    maybe my lesson right now is to STOP LEANING FORWARD. bc i keep doing it and .then wonder why i’ve got a girlfrog on my hands. ok. yes my discouraging mean frog jabs have come back. bc i feel 🙁 sad face. and i feel better if i blame it on them being frogs rather than it just not being a match.

    all my life all i’ve wanted was a man who loved me and wanted to be half of a cute couple with me. all my life. i feel like a barren woman who only ever wanted children. i feel discouraged right now in the moment. it will pass. i also feel enjoyment with interacting with all these men in the world. i’ve never quite done it this way bc i was always too scared. it’s all good for me. just a little sad in the moment.

  113.  #113alias girl on April 4, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    ann xoxo. i feel supported. xoxo to siren island.

  114.  #114Ann on April 4, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Hugs AG You’re such a Goddess and so good at doing these tools I know you’ll be fine soon. Sending loving energy your way.

  115.  #115Carenza on April 5, 2009 at 1:25 am

    Dear Rori –

    I had just commited to true love and then days later connected to your work!!

    Thank you thank you thank you!!!

    I have ordered the siren set and the ‘TMR’ set of DVD’s but I am in UK so I have to wait to recieve them. I am so glad until then that I can read your blogs they are so incredibly healing and helpful right now.

    I awoke with this poem flowing through me this morning…

    Oh my god what was I on?
    I couldn’t sing my sirens song.

    I thought I was truly wrong,
    To deeply feel for what I long.

    I waited patient and true,
    I waited believing it was you!

    My one true love, I’d find no one else,
    So you had exclusive rights all to yourself.

    And now I’m free to just be me,
    And now I know the eternal key.

    I’m not scared I’ll hurt you anymore,
    The key I found unlocks every door.

    I hurt and cried a thousand tears,
    But I’m not wasting no more years.

    I know I have said it so many times before,
    But it’s true I won’t take no more.

    I know now what I’m worth,
    I’ve had my cosmic rebirth!

    I’ll be cherished and cared for everyday,
    A man who’s heart will never stray.

    I’ll feel like I’m a beauty queen,
    And know the truth is always seen.

    He’ll give me his heart and I’ll give him mine,
    We’ll live in bliss all of the time.

    My boundaries will keep me strong,
    No man from now can treat me wrong.

    I’ll wait no more for life’s grandest song,
    With you I waited far too long.

    I can’t believe I failed to see,
    What was right in front of me.

    You never ever gave me your heart,
    And now I’ve just got really smart.

    There are thousands of men out there,
    Why did I limit my fair share?

    With deluded beliefs I needed to wait,
    Thinking our meeting was destined fate.

    Fate alright it opened the door,
    For what I don’t want no more.

    I’ve suffered enough to my delusion,
    I’ve finally ended all confusion.

    I am beauty, truth, and joy,
    I am not some fucked up toy.

    For men to play with if they choose,
    From now on I’ll never lose.

    Loves no game that can be won,
    It’s two souls becoming one.

    It’s the highest of the highest high,
    It’s truth that can never lie.

    I let myself be treated bad,
    lied too and feeling mad.

    I can’t believe I cared so deep,
    It’s like I had fallen to sleep.

    And now I’ve woke from my dream,
    Now I’m the cat that got the cream.

    For never again will I suffer that pain,
    My souls been nourished by cosmic rain.

    My visions – they finally make sense,
    now my life can truly commence.

    I’m worth the world and more,
    I know what I am looking for!

    No more sweet and no more nice,
    For that I truly paid a price.

    My destiny it’s down to me,
    From my mind I’ve broken free.

    My heart’s ablaze with new insight,
    My soul feels tremendous delight.

    The pain has gone, the truth revealed,
    From lifes long suffering I’ve been healed.

    It’s no ones fault, its what it was,
    The law is there because…

    In every moment we have our mirror,
    If we look it all becomes clearer.

    Love Carenza xx

  116.  #116Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 6:19 am

    I’m on board with Alias Girl in that this post is my fantasy as well.
    My girlfriend pointed out to me that teh reason I got /am stuck on thsi guy I am emailing is because he is providing me with fantasy. Is fantasy a bad thing to want?

  117.  #117Dorothea on April 5, 2009 at 10:36 am

    I went to the most bizarre rave/party last night. I’d never been to anything like it. Very weird mix of people, and more “grown ups” aged 21-60 than children.

    I am happy to report that usually I would be the main feast at the weirdo picnic (a party like this) but amazingly I did not attract any frogs. There was one guy with whom I simply could not get along in conversation, and I just kept using feeling messages every time he started getting irate. It was really good practice and it calmed him down every time.

    So, even though I should have been a frog magnet as usual at that party, I wasn’t. And there weren’t too many women there and I was looking very good. Instead, the only person who *really* made an effort to hit on me was the FINE security guard who was obviously a sober, hard working individual.

    I am a beautiful, mind blowingly intelligent and clever Siren. I feel like I am now broadcasting that all the time, along with the message “only those ahead of the curve need apply.”

  118.  #118Rori Raye on April 5, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Carenza, Welcome – and oh my gosh, thank you for the gorgeous poem! Love, Rori

  119.  #119Rori Raye on April 5, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Winks: – try this.

    Open your mouth and say – “Oh, I feel…” and put something in the blank.

    Even if it’s a stammer. Even if you go “I feel…..ohhh… ahhh…ick…yick…”

    And for this moment, it could be…”Oh…I feel….ick…wow…I feel messed up…I feel embarrassed, and… It feels good to stick to plans…and it doesn’t feel good to not stick to plans…I know in my head that this is no big deal…it would feel good to eat when I’m hungry, too, and I get it…and it doesn’t feel good to want to control you…and…okay…so I feel hungry and I’ll go order something right now.”

    At least you get it out, and instead of stewing and feeling hurt and trying to get around your need to control the situation – you just own it. And at the same time, work not to judge him. This is a date. You may not want to marry someone who changes plans on you – if it’s not part of your nature to roll with that kind of thing.

    And still – I’d like to encourage you to to work with the last part of the Rori Raye Mantra: Be Surprised…it will help keep you from feeling disappointed by a man, and instead let you find the lesson, the message, and move forward more spontaneously.

    Freezing is always about fear and trauma. Take baby steps, expect to be triggered, and just open your mouth and go “Ahhhhhhh…..Ewwwwwww……”

    Love, Rori

  120.  #120alias girl on April 5, 2009 at 11:17 am

    carenza i love your poem!!!! i feel very goos to read it. i feel weird sometimes i read other women expressing themselves and it’s like it could be me! when i read this blog it truly does feel like we are all one but having different experiences.

    i feel appreciative of rori’s response to winks. i feel i need to be reminded until it becomes second nature. i feel so angry sometimes from all the past disappointments that i just freeze and want to Punish. i am learning to undo tthat though. i feel good i am getting better and becoming more loving and expressing even if it’s taking some time. i feel new and improved all the time.

  121.  #121alias girl on April 5, 2009 at 11:23 am

    linda g i can feel my fantasies being integrated into reality. my fantasies are my guideposts and rev my engine. but i am willing to accept all of a man and also be my whole self. both humanly flawed. i am learning to be more loving of All of me which helps me be more accepting of others. which allows the possiblity of a real relationship to happen. but i don’t feel willing to just

    i forgot what i was going to say. something about how fashion shows have super high ideals but everyday fashion wear is for the most part not that extreme. but you wouldn’t want a fashion show just be conventional and downplayed.

    fanatsy ideals raise the level of reality maybe? i don’t know . i’m babbling.

  122.  #122alias girl on April 5, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    maria i feel compassion for your struggle with being triggered! do you have the Targeting Mr Right program yet? rori really frames things in a way that makes sense. i still feel scared and awful when it happens but i get it and also her phrase how dating becomes free therapy. i never understood that before.

    i feel happy each time i work through being intensely triggered now. i feel like i am one step closer to having the relationship i want.

    sometimes i will walk into situations to be triggered On Purpose now just for the practice. i like practicing my feeling messages when i get triggered because they usually just fly out the window (ie like last night)

  123.  #123Carenza on April 5, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Rori and Alias thank you – it was very healing to write.

    Rori your work and e-book have already changed my life profoundly. Thank you so very much!

  124.  #124Maria on April 5, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Thank you AG, it really ment so much that you noticed my triggers. lm trying to get myself together and go out there again. l dont have the program, however l am planning to get it as soon as l can.

  125.  #125alias girl on April 5, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    yes maria. you’re welcome. i noticed your post yesterday but it was in middle of my self absorbed triggering crisis and i was at event. it wasn’t til i was rereading the blog today i realized your psot was there again. i really feel encouraging towards you because i had so many fear and was so easily triggered and i can see how it is becoming less so just by exposing myself to situations and using all of rori’s tools.

  126.  #126Carenza on April 5, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Just been reading through everyones posts – they are all so fascinating!!

    There is so much material to get through!!

    Thank you – so many words of inspiration and truth.

  127.  #127Carenza on April 6, 2009 at 9:07 am

    I just thought I would share that I have started blogging about this new adventure if it is not appropriate to let people know about this here Rori then I am very sorry and of course just delete this comment – just thought it would be fun to connect with other women…


  128.  #128Flipper on April 6, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Hi Daria, I loved your soda no-go, too, (I bet everyone picked up on it – it just felt like such a perfect, natural illustration – doubts, non-instanteous, good-surpise result and all) and also painting yourself in the guy’s presence.

    About the driving and 50/50 stuff: I generally feel the same way as you about it, and I feel your feeling statements were clear and sufficient for such early days, before even meeting or only just after. If the guy were coming back at me to set out a contract in stone, I would feel pressured having to specify such details in advance. So I would want to say a feeling message about feeling uncomfortable locking everybody down to something before even laying eyes on them!

    As for 50/50, of course that’s what we want, but don’t get me wrong. Our problem has mostly been automatically bestowing 80 or more right off the bat, by adding on to the 50 that’s just already there in accepting to share a bit of our emotionally-rewarding selves with them, by “matching” his driving with our driving, his invites with “paying our part” or cooking for him, calling him, making him excuses, etc. Because fair-share doesn’t mean exchanging tit for tit – there’s hardly any point in giving someone something if they’re just going to give back the exact same thing. Our TLC – tender loving Caring (NOT ‘care’ as in services, logistics, duty-sex, accommodating cluelessness) is our part of the deal. So I feel I could agree – yes, a real relationship means equally shared responsibility for it, and I don’t want to feel like I’m taking care of a lot of stuff that it doesn’t feel right to do. I’m sure you can find a better way of putting it that reflects your own exact feelings (in the short, simple way Alias Girl reminds us will get the message accross).

    AG – I feel you’ve pulled a good message from your event-messenger. Can you see how to tweak your leaning forward and ‘frigid’ responses according to your own very good ‘Ms. Meddling’ recommendations? (out with the ‘you’s, and did you Really feel like wishing him a good night?)

    As for me, I certainly am grateful for all the encouragements, great examples, and creative efforts (Carenza’s and Linmayu’s lovely poems, to name only 2) we give each other. I am more aware of what I am feeling, using the feeling messages more often and actually Walking Away instead of pretending or freezing up. And it’s working – I can feel good with what’s actually happening instead of having to endlessly figure it out or wishful-think it into conformity with my hopes.

  129.  #129alias girl on April 6, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    FLIPPER! i feel good to see you back!

    I feel happy for your expressed success in using more feeling messages and walking away if necessary! yae!

    and yae also for being in the Now rather than imaginary/fantasyland of wishful thinking! 🙂

  130.  #130Flipper on April 7, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I feel all smiley and tickled seeing your yaes! for me Alias Girl, and happy to see you peddling along with your ‘meddling’ in the other threads. I often feel how brave you are, and feel grateful for your courage to share.

  131.  #131Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 5:34 am

    So I decided to put my fantasy man, that I have been emailing, on the back of my horse. It just feels so good to have someone so romantic and sensuos to be there to sooth me and help me feel all goddess-y. His last email was distant, expressing frustration with the logistics of our trying to get together, I answered in feeling messages and prose that I am still open, still feeling the attraction he is feeling.
    Any way, I told my girlfriend about this and now I feel furious! She insisted on deciphering him as someone who was playing me, insincere and just trying to get out of the whole exchange. It makes me think of Rori’s program, the one where she says you may have friends who are happier when you are down on yourself, or when you are alone. my girlfriend said she was just protecting me, but I feel so upset about this! Like she has deliberately thrown my knight off my horse!
    I know our exchange is imaginary, I know I became too invested in the idea of him, but I want to have that feeling around me that someday i will achieve that connection with a guy that shows up. Even my mom thinks it’s wonderful I have this romantic penpal. Yes, I told my mom. Am I an idiot? I don’t want to be mad at my friend, she’s teh only one I speak about this stuff with, but I also remember her encuraging me to chase after my ex, which was my natural inclination, and of course I shoved him way out of the boat.
    I feel mad. I feel devastated. I feel betrayed by everybody! I feel weak and I feel lost. I love that I am mad, I love that I can try to turn my weakness into a tool. I feel I should riff about this, but I’m not ready. I wanna talk.

  132.  #132Carenza on April 8, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    I put this on my blog today, but I thought I would post it here too as it is so inspirational!

    I truly have only one friend who I believe is experiencing true love. Her and her husband fell in love at first sight, moved in that night married weeks later and had their first child within a year, they never argue and as far as I can tell it really is a true love relationship!

    oh and I realised that she went for how she felt with him, over what they had in common, seemed to have worked for her…

    This is what she wrote recently:

    “The last words I hear in my waking day are whispered across the pillow: “I love you, sweetheart”. I’ve heard this phrase every morning and night for fourteen years (next month) and have never tired of it; the sentiment is oxygen to my soul”

    I love reading Rori’s posts and all your amazing comments and sharings – my heart feels so warm being here.

  133.  #133Trisha on May 11, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    Dear Ann, i really appreciate what you wrote about 2 people shouting at each other when they are mad. Another problem i’ve experienced is when the horrible curse words and names start… wow how i hate that! i’m so glad i have Rori’s tools now so this hasn’t happened from me since last year.
    i have a question for ANYONE…i’ve been reading these posts and practicing tools for over a year now. Rori on many occassions says when we make these changes in ourselves, men will be tracking us to our front doors! How there will be SO many men wanting to be with us…tell me…has anyone found this to be true for themselves?
    i broke off the “girlfriend-boyfriend exclusivity” a year ago so i could be free to “circular date”. i’ve met 2 men (through dating sites) and neither one was a keeper for me.
    i’m still seeing my man of 5 years, still love and want to be with him yet, there hasn’t been any further talk of marriage so i am so willing to keep seeing other men, even though my heart is still bonded to Mr. 5 years!
    So, how many of you have men beating down your doors for a date?
    Peace to everyone.

  134.  #134Loys bat Shobai on December 15, 2009 at 12:26 am

    apropos feminine and male energy: – I am seeing a gorgous Maltese guy at present, who is oh so masculine and I find just being with him arouses my feminine energy – it creates more bracelets and beautiful jewellery, more feminine body language and a greatly heightened awareness of his masculinity – a masculinity which I am coming to realise is a quite beautiful and precious thing.

  135.  #135MeganP on December 13, 2010 at 8:01 am

    This is genius Rori, I wish I read it two weeks ago when I was staring someone in the eye.

  136.  #136פילאטיס on September 2, 2012 at 6:27 am

    היי האם אתם יודעים שמומלץ לעשות מנוי ל מאמן כושר אישי, מאמן כושר אישי, בא אליך פעם בחודש. כדאי לפעילות גופנית, בונה לך תוכנית כושר אישית שמתאימה לך לאופי שלך