Twilight the Book’s Bella and Twilight the Movie’s Bella

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I just watched the movie of Twilight (I loved it – I’m such a romantic, such a pushover) – and our heroine, Bella, is a different person than the Bella from the book.

She’s evolved, stronger, more receptive.

And the difference in the two ways of seeing this character can be a huge help to us, here.

In the book (and remember – Bella as a character is 17, but she speaks for the girl in all of us) – Bella is headstrong, argumentative, feels unworthy and so she’s defensive.  She fights falling for Edward, and every step of the way, she fights him.  She fights him wanting to carry her up a hill.  She fights him taking her anywhere or giving her anything or doing anything for her.  She fights against love in all kinds of ways.

And so her surrender to Edward – allowing him to carry her up a hill, allowing him to give to her (she rails against his rescuing of her, saying that she “wants to be the superhero sometimes”) – as all the more powerful.

In the film, Bella is so clearly brave, warm, loving, strong, smart and feels so much more worthy (they leave in just a few moments of insecurity) that her surrender has a different quality.  It seems natural, and more girlish.

The Bella of the book feels to me more like a woman who has a bit of a “chip on her shoulder” – and so she’s easier to identify with.

The Bella of the book is more “flawed” than the Bella of the movie.

The Bella of the book has more fear of closeness and intimacy and of RECEIVING than she does of death.  She’d rather be in CONTROL than anything else.  And so, surrendering to love feels huge – and we’re a bit frustrated at how difficult it is for her.

Also, in the book, she strategizes.  She tries to get information out of others through cleverness, even lying – where the movie Bella is upfront, honest, straightforward.

The book Bella is a misfit, a girl who never had even a date with a boy and always felt out of place.  You believe her when she says she’s not pretty.  Even though I knew the beautiful Kristen Stewart plays her in the movie – as I read, I pictured the book Bella as regular-looking.  I believed that she was not beautiful.

The movie Bella is the most beautiful girl anyone’s ever seen, the moment she shows up.  There is no way she could be insecure. Unconventional, perhaps, but not insecure.

It was harder for me to identify with the movie Bella, because, though she was constantly amazed by what was happening, she didn’t doubt Edward’s feelings for her.

In the book, Bella doubts his feelings constantly.  In fact, she asks him how and why he feels about her constantly.  AND – he constantly TELLS her.  He never seems to mind all her questioning.  He seems to find her insecurity charming.

In the book, Bella is so contemptuous of being the “damsel in distress” that she behaves stupidly and BECOMES the damsel in distress.

In the movie, she allows Edward to rescue her with grace, and so she BECOMES a superhero herself.  Her bravery is evident and on purpose – unlike the book Bella’s headstrong and, well, sometimes actually obnoxious self-righteousness and resistance to everything. She’s like someone you take to Disneyland who complains about the rides.

In the movie, Bella has a sense of wonder, and she trusts Edward because she believes in HERSELF.  She is actually not afraid.  Bella in the book is often pretending to not be afraid – and so she’s “contrary” to cover it up.

So – the director of the film and the actress who played Bella saw the problems in the book Bella, and evolved her.

And…strangely enough…I MISSED the book Bella as i was watching the film.

I wanted to BE like the movie Bella, but I FELT more like the book Bella.

I, as a flawed person, had difficulty identifying with the non-flawed Bella.  I know it had nothing to do with age…both of these characters are sort of “timeless.” Some of it has to do with the joy of reading – you get to infuse the characters with images from your own mind in heart. In a movie – there are real people up there.

So – the movie Bella seemed like a leap to me.

I am all about starting from where you are.  That’s what “Riffing” is all about – starting from where you are and what you feel – NOW.

So, let’s look at the leap WE want to make – from Doing defensive, run by old patterns, afraid of intimacy, blocked from receiving love and gestures of caring and even help and rescue “things” – to Being soft, available, open, strong inside, confident, and willing to let an amazing man love us, without questioning our worth.

How to get there?

1. Start HERE.  You are where you are.  Take stock.  If the most amazing man in the world showed up and wanted you…how would you feel?  How would you act?  Imagine it. Feel all the “good” and “not-so-good” feelings.

2. Now imagine you have utter confidence, you see him as a person just like yourself, you believe in your strengths and your fabulous qualities, you are a movie heroine, you are fearless, you are filled with wonder, you can handle surprise, you can make decisions, you are your own superhero, you are your own rescuer, and you can allow this man to rescue you, too.

Go ahead and have fun with this. Let the fantasy take you, and if it starts to take you backwards – into a memory of what might have been once, or an old story – pull yourself out and throw yourself forward into this new fantasy where you are “evolved.” Where you are where you WANT to be.

Let me know what that looks like for you.

Love, Rori

48 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on April 7, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Rori: You’re going to LOVE the second book. There’s enough material in there to give a relationship coach literally YEARS of material.

    Also: Just so you know, the author began another “first” book. It’s from Edward’s point of view. A draft was put on the internet without her permission and it really hurt her. She decided to make it public by posting the draft on her own website. She admits it’s rough and not her vision of how it would turn out, but it’s there…with her permission…for us to read. If you want to really see what she saw going on in Edward’s mind during book one…you should check it out.

    Anyway…just a thought since you’re on this train of thought…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  2.  #2alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    i feel angry. i feel like my game is over. my game of knock all the men away with a weird, defiant, ballbusting personality. and now all that’s left is to be open and i feel scared and naseaus. and a little depressed.

    i want to jump from insecure book version of chracter to confident, beautiful movie character. snap my fingers. wabang. new alias girl version now available for download.

    blah. blah. i feel like hiding under the covers. i feel sadness.



  3.  #3Linda G on April 7, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Aw Alias Girl…You are climbing into your coccoon and will re emerge a butterfly!



  4.  #4Katja on April 8, 2009 at 2:49 am

    Ladies,
    I have a question (has nothing to do with the original post). I am working with Modern Siren since two weeks and I am working with it every day (I do at least one tool every day) but the effect seems so be that my guy is angry at me. Anyone who experienced that,too? He seems to be angry all the time,no coming over to me and kissing me,no touching,nothing. Only looking at me very cold and almost as if he hates me. It started some days ago as I was feeling that my vibe shifted,that I am focusing more and more on myself,that I am so much happier with myself. Is this a normal process? Or am I doing something wrong?
    Thank you for your help!
    Katja



  5.  #5Daria on April 8, 2009 at 4:40 am

    Katja… Rori says that triggering his anger is good! It means he’s about to probably “blow” at you and then you get to practice feeling messages and staying with the 4 r’s, even leaving the room if you need to. Then after that you would feel really close and connected because he will feel that he is free to express his anger and all the relationship will feel like it is safe and “gotten.”

    So yes it is good. You are on the right track… feels scary (to me reading). So I commend you…

    PS – not sure about this but it just occured to me that maybe if

    I felt uncomfortable I would consider saying… I’m feeling uncomfortable, and I don’t feel good talking about it, but I’d really like to get it out… do you have some time right now?

    yes/no

    I’m feeling weird, kinda feeling a weird vibe… is there anything i should know?

    OK that would be what I might consider. Now depending on how I was feeling in the situation I might or might not do it. I’m feeling a little triggered thinking about my ex right now.

    I realized something: that I am so hooked on thinking about my ex mostly because of loneliness. And because being around him there were always people. I really admire how he could make himself never be lonely. There are always people reaching out to him, wanting to visit him, pick him up, guys as well as women. And he has a cool laid back relationship with his family. Maybe what I really want is what he has for me which is a network of friends. Maybe that’s really all I want. I do care about him but what I don’t want to lose is my chance to feel unlonely and happy and connected. Ok. So that feels kinda good to write. Interesting. I would think it would feel bad but it feels good. My knees just twitched… hm… I feel like my head got lighter and it wants to rise up. And my expression feels very clear. This feels weird. It feels like energy is rising up my neck into my head. Whoa… very cool. I feel like I freed up myself from a shakle or something. Well I feel a lil scared and weird but grateful for this feeling. It feeels weird like something is lifting from me or like I am just freer. Very cool. Does this even have anything to do with what I realized or is this just a not connected feeling. It seems to feel connected. I feel connected. What? I don’t know. I just do. I feel connected. Hmmm. am I playing tricks on myself? I just feel connected? I do right now. I feel very happy and connected. And safe. And weird. I feel unused to this feeling and it feels good. Thank you. I feel myself wanting to shut down this feeling. I am doing weird eye tears thingy. And my sinuses feel congested. They have since this morning. Right not it feels like energy is rising from the bottom of my spine and coming up into my head where it kinda feels good and its pressing out my ears. I feel interested. I feel alert. I feel comfortable. I feel cool. I feel good. I feel weird. Hmmm… this is a fun interesting feeling.



  6.  #6Linmayu on April 8, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Mmmm…I loves me some ballbusting…it’s just about my favorite thing to do with a man, especially one I’m attracted to who is not attracted to me. Ballbusting makes me feel close to them. It also feels like the only way I can get close to a man. I’m afraid that if I’m open and centered and still, no one will ever find me.



  7.  #7Daria on April 8, 2009 at 10:13 am

    mm I woke up this morning thinking … well has myex called me yet… no… dang…

    Im feelig tempted to experiment and call him…

    I kinda feel disappointed that all my revelations and stuff haven’t yet canceled this out



  8.  #8Rori Raye on April 8, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Oh – what wonderful and lovely comments! Daria – you’re becoming a guru – your comment to Katja was quite brilliant, and is pretty much the answer I would give – and you wrote it in such a “girl” way!

    Katja – tell me more about what this looks like, and yes – this is your opportunity to use the Tools to SPEAK. To get the connection going by expressing that you can feel his anger. Ask him if he’s angry with you. Listen to him. Leanback and Listen at Level 2 (from the ebook). Nod your head. You need to be prepared to catch yourself when you feel defensive because he may criticize you, all that.

    Mercedes – Thank you! I’ll go right to her site, and I’m waiting for the next book from the library (I’m on a library kick – I LOVE that place, the smell, all the free books that others have read…).

    Alias Girl – I really felt this post reverberate with you, and the two Bellas have a lot to offer us, so I’ll keep going with these characters…

    Love, Rori



  9.  #9Daria on April 8, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Thanks Rori…

    what do you think about contacting that guy. I have contacted him 2 times these past few months but I only talked to him about a money situation that he had something to do with.

    I want to talk to him and tell him I miss him… then lean back. I feel like this may be something to bring back communication…

    I drove to a guy’s house last nite because he said he didn’t have money for the bridge which I understand. I wanted to go.

    I had also reached out and called and even hung out with 2 MALE friends so I’m wondering if that’s why I feel kinda open to contacting and drivning.

    Anyways I had a real nice time at this man’s house. I felt so good about myself ! Which is cool because he is one of those that seemed resistant to my leaning back… and kinda immature… on my way there I had talked to myself thinking that maybe he can be just a friend…
    but I had such a nice time. He was giving to me the whole time… asking me So whatsup Daaria, how are you Daaria, and hugging and grabbing me (all of this without being annoying). He also fork fed me steak that he cooked. He apologized for not having money and gave me a small present.

    I really see what leaning forward by a guy looks like now. Even when I was spacing out he called my attention… how are you Daaria. It felt good! I felt good being myself and was dancing around and feeling happy. It felt really nice. And he likes to touch me hold me and generally compliment my body. This is very cool.

    Before I used to not feel as good around him because I felt criticized and annoyed at his complaining (about random stuff) and he was also seemed really sensitive to any teasing or criticism on my part.

    Ok this was just a super awesome date. I even told him that I want a man that is going to college or else has his own business to provide for me (before I wouldn’t really say The man for me… blah blah because I would feel that’s too presumptous on my part).

    Anyway back to the ex. I feel reminded of reading Mama Gena’s books where she said sometimes you can lean forward by calling the guy, maybe even twice or several times. It might feel interesting to call my ex and lean back as soon as he picks up…

    what do you think ladies?



  10.  #10Daria on April 8, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Ohhh and something really cool. We were watching For the Love of Ray J (kind of like the Bachelor). And I determined one girl on there was so Goddess like. She was really unusual and even had a tatoo of a tiger ON HER FACE. But she NEVER seemed apologetic for who she was.

    It was really interesting to watch my guy (we were both watching the show) go from “she’s weird” to “wow she’s really sexy” as we watched her treat herself well in front of Raj J’s grandma, even his mom. She was authentic and cried without EVER looking needy. And Ray J seemed totally into her. (I heard she wins in the end). He even kept her after he found out that she slept with one (or two!) of his friends (before meeting him). She did not even apologize about this when it came out in front of his friends and said it was a one nite stand, and then when a girl asked her “you have one night stands???” she said “yes sometimes” and then when the girl seemed to attack her she said well “I don’t care how you feel, Ray J cares about me” and got up and left.

    She seems to never lie and refuse to feel “less than.” She even got up to show his grandmother her face tattoo even though his grandmother seemed very conservative.

    At the same time she would show her crying or feeling upset and she would not hide it (she cried in front of his mom) nor make a big deal of it. She just stood there with her chin up while tears were coming and she was wiping them off.

    I feel really inspired by this woman.

    Also again I felt really interested in how my guy changed his opinion to her being sexy, although she didn’t change her appearance very much. I knew it was because she was authentic but he couldn’t even tell.

    I also told him “ok Im starting to feel turned off” when he made the third “she’s sexy comment” and he didn’t press on. I also felt really surprised and happy with myself to say “Im starting to feel turned off.” Cool.



  11.  #11Daria on April 8, 2009 at 11:53 am

    More: the girl seemed so sure that Ray J loves her. I mean she really really did. She even told his mom

    “I will be ok if he doesn’t pick me, we will always be friends. I will be happy either way (while tearing up). I care very much about him.”

    It is kinda obvious that his mom thinks she is the best one and seems like the only contender.

    Also at the grandma dinner when the family asked her
    “so what do you like most about my son” the other girls answered about how kind he is… etc… but she said “like him? I can’t stand him!” haha that was funny.



  12.  #12alias girl on April 8, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    daria thanks for sharing all that. i love reading about your adventures and also your comments about the show were really interesting.

    i saw this blurb in a magazine from ray j and he was talking about whitney houston and all he would ever say was they were just FRIENDS. never anything more. he was adamant about it. yet he and whitney had sexual relatinoship (pretty sure but how could i know for sure? but pretty sure)

    still he never expressed anything more. FRIENDS. whitney needs rori’s tools in my opinion.

    anyhoo. i like to experiment daria. i totally leaned forward with my falafel/cafe guy and felt Great about it. However i tend to only experiment with leaning forward when i feel there is no hope for anything real or good.

    in the past i have leaned forward (pre rori) with ex #1. i felt awful. he is just not that kind of guy. i could feel the shift in energy and it was not for the better. but i also was not in goddess mode when i did it like i was in goddess mode when i leaned forward with falafel guy. i could feel the huge difference.

    so i don’t know what’s best for you but this is my experience. i feel annoyed sometimes i ask for help and people don’t respond.



  13.  #13Daria on April 8, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    thanks alias girl. I feel glad that you did respond. I really feel on the fence about contacting him… I don’t know quite what to say…

    my main message was “I miss you” also

    “I feel weird not hearing from you and I feel like I’m chasing you by initiating contact with you which feels gross… I don’t want to be in a one sided friendship… what do you think?”

    also

    “I feel unsure about being friends with you because I feel attracted to you… I don’t feel comfortable in the same role as before… I felt awful and rejected and I don’t want to feel like that. I am dating and I would feel good if you decided you wanted to date me but if not then I understand and will miss you…”

    that last sentence is not quite right.

    really I don’t know if I would or not feel comfortable being friends. I don’t want it to be one sided me reaching out… and I feel sad… I can feel that he loves me (at least as a friend) and it feels sad to miss someone you share love with. At the same time he’s not leaning forward… (yet) … but I got a hint last convo that he felt disappointed that I had called him about the money thing only.

    I don’t feel ready to call him. Or I Dono. I feel ready to communicate

    “I miss you and I don’t like to call men anymore, and it would feel really good to hear from you. I feel like we have a strong bond and it feels weird to not hear from you for so long…”

    “what do you think?”

    hmm…

    I dono. I feel freakin frustrated he hasn’t called yet while the universe is giving me signs that he is starting to turn his energy to me a little bit.

    Ok reading that I feel like I am really focused on this man. Which kinda feels disappointing as I have spent about 4 years now tryna “get over him” and no activity or new man has really worked.

    I want THIS one. umm.. that feels weird and kinda lean forwardy. I want that energy though. That feel good yum I feel safe the world is good energy. That I can brave anything with you by my side energy. I feel excited just thinking about how wonderful I would feel if he were to fall for me and focus his attention on me. That would feel really good!

    I feel like I’m not good enough and I love my feeling. YAY! I give myself thumbs up for displaying one of my BEST qualities.



  14.  #14alias girl on April 8, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    i feel uninterested in giving my energy to one sided, one way energy exchanges.



  15.  #15Daria on April 8, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    I just reread the “How feeling messages work”

    I feel annoyed and worried that I feel freakin tied to this guy and will forever feel impulses to think or be with him or whatever else is going on. I feel like “he’s the one for me” and like “I will miss the boat” if I don’t get him now. I feel kinda powerless. I feel kinda like I’m on a diet but the craving for food is not letting up. I feel like I am depriving myself of something that feels wonderful. I feel like I NEED him. And I feel disappointed and ufff about that.

    I feel frustrated. My process seems to be too processy and not enough feel goody. I don’t feel good missing this guy. I don’t feel good not being contacted. I don’t feel good not being adored (although I can see in the past my not taking care of self). I want to be free. I want to feel like I was never in love with him. Whee. Taht would feel ok. I am down to do that. I am down to feel that. To feel like I can sink into that safely and that I’m not going to wake up tomorrow thinking about I wish I was with him or being approved of by him or flirted with by him. Freakin crack. I feel addicted. I feel annoyed. I want freedom. (I feel glad I’m no longer addicted to the man I was addicted to before him). But I feel ready to feel unaddicted. I feel ready to feel powerful. Even right now I feel like I would feel so free then I would feel hapy to contact him and be his friend and even talk to him about his baby that he’s having. It would feel ok then. Right now it feels not very ok though. Umm… I want to feel strong. I want to feel totally free of this. And I want to feel HAPPY and FULFILLED feeling totally free. Which feels scary and like more loneliness. I love my desperate fear of loneliness. I give mysefl another thumbs up for displaying one fo my BEST qualities. I want that man that I look up to and admire and feel “cool” with to want me to, “approve of me” encourage me, pursue me, and MAKE ME LOOK GOOD IN PUBLIC. haha. yes I want that. I feel like I want him because he makes me look good in public which seems to be important for me. I feel a littel ashamed and I’m getting weird watery eyes. I feel a little relieved.

    Is it possible for a body to get a hot fever from feeling sexually unfulfilled? Hmm…

    I want to feel sexually fulfilled without heartbreak or loneliness.

    i feel impatient



  16.  #16Daria on April 8, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I feel less desire to contact him now. Interesting. I feel hope again that he will contact me.. I feel frustrated, scared, disappointed? I feel impatient. I give myself another two thumbs up for dispalying one of my BEST qualities.



  17.  #17ABC on April 8, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    hey Daria,

    it’s so painful to watch u go thru this–because it reminded me of my past.

    i think Rori explained very clearly in all her posts about this, even just in her last post “friends with benefits”
    in it, “same with heroin” triggered me the most.

    i feel like i was addicted when i was in a situation like yours, it’s like i wasn’t even in love with him, but in love with the feeling of “thrill” and for what??? half the pain is not worth the pleasure.

    as much as i wanted to contact him, i remember Rori once said that you reaching out to him wouldn’t be an invitation, but i went ahead and experimented it on my other ex (i was also addicted to him, for a long time) anyway, and it felt awful. it didn’t work the way i wanted it to work because i had a hidden agenda, i wanted him to respond to me with love, and he didn’t.

    im glad that i experimented and promised myself i would not do that again. i would not do anything that doesn’t FEEL good to me.

    just want to let you know that we’ve all been thru that, and that i pulled myself out of the addiction, and other men showed up:)



  18.  #18Mercedes on April 8, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Daria…you’re AWESOME! I was reading your posts thinking “don’t do it! don’t contact him!” And then you say you feel less desire to do that. 🙂 If you feel he’s closer to contacting you…I hope you let him. Can you imagine how much better it would feel to hear from him because he turned that energy toward you rather than you turning it toward him? Personally, I love that feeling.

    And…I love your line: I give myself another two thumbs up for displaying on of my BEST qualities.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  19.  #19Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Exactly, Rori points out that even if you use feeling messages, if you contact him first, you are leaning forward. we’ve all done it, well I have, it feels stinky, never goes as planned. patience is key. when he comes to you, that’s the prize.



  20.  #20Linda on April 8, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Hi Ladies

    The battle we all face is what to do with our feelings. It battle within is the one to settle and win. The battleground is our MINDS…our thought life. I know what I feel… and it those things that our feelings sway us and make us nuts. Always trying to figure out what is going on and how to respond right so we dont miss our “golden opportunity” with this guy..etc etc. Most of time I am finding that I am not the one with the issues here, it is their issues and lack of dealing with them that is causes the problems.

    Here is where I have landed on this. I need to decide how I am going to respond to things with men. Sort of a code of conduct. Not that I will be ridgid and unyeilding ever, but…. feelings drive us in ways that we dont need to go. What affords me peace? That is what I am asking myself. Taking feeling thoughts and messages and filtering them with one question so there is some order to my life. Feelings are all over the board sometimes and I hate the drama that creates in me. Feeling worried about to contact or not, fearing an opporutnity lost, not handled right. I have to put a lid on it and be my own keeper.

    Is anybody really worth that much energy? Yes but it is me not them. I have this guy, I met him circular dating. I really like him. He was warm, asked me to be his girlfriend etc. (whatever that means)… he has issues baggage and admits being depressed. One week he is warm toward yet distant, the next he is distant without the warmth. We have been back and forth, but everytime we are together he becomes relaxed and easy to be with. Then he distances….Told me a week ago that it was “just not all there for him” with me. I think I got the “friend” speech, because he still appears to want me in his life but not romatically. Whatever! … I just simply need to get my energy out of there. This affords me peace. Yes, I would like to have a great relationship with him.. but it is not happening. I am pulling out… and pulling up out of the drama.

    For me, if I approach anyone or anything out of a place of fear I not at peace and hence I an not strong then. Fear of rejection, missing my golden moment… not saying the right thing… it is all bad for me. It tells me I have put too much into this person and I have lost first place in my life again. Keeping this in mind will keep the peace for me.

    Find what affords you peace and run all your messages through that. You will feel stronger and better and make your behavior run smoothly. It has worked for me. Here is where I have come. If things are warm and flowing all is open game. there is no leaning forward or back it is all flowing anyway. But if is it not flowing, lean back…let him lead and get your energy out of there, when he contacts, give him your feeling message..strong on the inside, soft on the outside, approachable, responsive but just stay leaned back.

    Here is my senerio…He and I meet, attraction there, chemistry starts to flow.. he pursues me more, I respond. He pulls back! hmmm okay. Then we talk more he is warm again then he goes cold again. hmmm then i get the ” it is not all there for me”… Another week goes by. Then we see each other and while he is distant, just acting like a friend by the end of the evening he is reaching out and holding my hand… this guy is all over the place… I am the stable one. Today I wanted to call him, (wehad a good conversation last night, he called me)… but I did not contact him. He said he would talk to me soon. I let it go… I wish he had called but…he will call and in the meantime I keep my energy out of there. THE biggest battlefield is our MIND … I am keeping my thoughts in tow, this is where I can…this where we go haywire. We may not act out anything the the drama in my mind was enough to make anyone nuts. Dial back, check your peace meter. If he is gonna be in your life he will. Dont worry about stuff, keep your head on straight….I am keeping me first and I will be strong, confident and at ease.

    Linda



  21.  #21Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    Linda, again we live parallel lives. All this thinking, all this figuring out, it’s exhausting. Keeping our focus on ourselves and our needs is much more rewarding. We cannot be fortune tellers. although somehow guys do get predictable, if we just really look at what the message is.
    I also need to compose a response. I have received an email from thsiout of town guy who canceled his trip to see me twice due to illness. Seems now his injuries have affected his eyesight and he may take up to two years to fully recover.
    Now, I’m a nice person, I’m compassionate, heck I’m a mom. But I can’t help feeling he is completely bailing because he can’t do the dance he choreographed in the very intimate email exchange we’ve had these past months. I look at him now as an experiment. I need to use this to learn to tell my truth.
    I feel bad, awful about his injury.
    I also feel uncomfortable, because I think he is chickening out, his last two emails were uncharacteristically formal.
    I feel thankful to have had such a passionate interlude, even though it was only words, never meeting.
    I manot sure I should say I would see himany time, I dont want him to think i have any expecations, you see, I’m afraid i said the wrong things and turned him off.
    I would love it if you guys could give me some input.



  22.  #22Daria on April 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Linda G I would feel sad and not good in this situation. I would not contact him until he made efforts to win me back that led to my feeling curious/good.



  23.  #23Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    daria, thanks, but I’m pretty sure his saying that his recovery may take as long as two years and that he would have to postpone our meeting indefinitely, is a message he is not going to contact me again. I feel like a bitch saying I don’t believe him. up until now i did, he has said in a previous email he is not playing games or seeing anyone else.
    But I sort of want to state my truth, yet don;t want to come off as needy and desparate.
    what do you think?



  24.  #24Daria on April 8, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    Linda G…

    in this situation I would feel weird/guilty/bad. I would not contact him until (if) he made efforts to win me back that made me feel curious/good.

    If I received contact from him I might say…

    Im feeling kinda uncomfortable…

    (him: why)

    I feel disappointed taht I won’t get to meet you and It feels weird. I feel suspicious…

    (suspicious… of what?)

    Im feeling insecure and I feel that there’s more to not being able to see me than your illness … and I feel guilty feeling this way…

    (etc…)

    BTW there’s no reason (except leaning forward) to state your truth TO HIM if he’s not contacting. I just reread the “How Feeling Messages Work” post and I’m going by that.

    I got a little back on track with not contacting the ex.



  25.  #25Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Daria you are an angel to consult with me on my obsessive odeal. So, I won’t respond to his email at all. If he sends another one, I will take your advice on what to say and tell him my truth. Is that what you mean? (although I am tempted to say all of that now) I am very impatient and impetuous, it never works out well. can you tell? I’m afraid of the silence, afraid to drop the ball.
    I am glad you are doing better in relation to your ex.
    Why is it so much easier to see other people’s situations than our own? I am so grateful to you. I know, Divas are not grateful, but I feel okay being grateful diva to diva.



  26.  #26Daria on April 8, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    I feel that Diva’s are always grateful, just not so much to the man exactly.

    If this was his e-mail to me I would feel like I could respond right now with my feeling guilty/weird message… OR… not respond at all.

    Either way I would feel I am taking an empowering step. Since I’m feeling pretty confident right now and interested in experimentig (and possibly triggering msyelf) I would probably choose to communicate and send my feeling message.



  27.  #27Daria on April 8, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    I did something unusual and talked to a new man on the phone about my ex and how I feel. Hmm… it felt smooth… I feel interested.



  28.  #28Katja on April 9, 2009 at 3:05 am

    Thank you Daria for your comment on my situation. I feel you are so right on this.

    And thank you also Rori for jumping in and commenting on this as well.

    Ok,so I discovered something. This anger he experiences now is some anger from the past. Its about situations where he was angry with himself. (Thats what I feel!) So now he throws his anger at me,critizises me. He asks innocent seeming questions, I answer them in a funny and confident way and then he starts to argument with me and he comes up with situations from one year ago or from some months ago and I begin to be defensive but then I remind myself to lean back,to speak in feeling messages and then he says “forget about it” and “it has nothing to do with you” and comes over and hugs me or kisses me. Last night there was another situation like this. I asked him if he is angry with me and that I feel kind of left behind and that this makes me feel sad. (I don’t remember if I only used feeling messages but I tried to. Sometimes its hard to put the feelings into words.) And he got angry again. Really angry. And I got defensive again. On one point he shouted really rude “go away”. I felt scared and I told him how I feel and I left the room. So I went to our bedroom,took his pillow and blanket and put them out of the bedroom in front of the bedroom door and left a note there saying “nobody has the right to say go away to me like this” and I locked the door to the bedroom. I don’t know if that was a good decision (or a “sireny” decision 🙂 ) but he was sleeping in the living room on the couch and in the morning he came over into the bedroom and said he was sorry and apologized for his behavior. I just thanked him for apologizing and didn’t say anything else. He was hugging and kissing me and was really nice towards me before he left for work. I feel that this all is part of the healing process. I had these situations before where I was angry a lot. Maybe that was stuffed anger from the past that had to come out somehow and maybe he is going through this right now and its important for the relationship that “the air is clear” (I couldn’t find the exact words I wanted to say).



  29.  #29heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 3:38 am

    Wow thank you Katja and Daria and Rori for your exchange on anger – it has opened up a whole vista for me, I feel like a thousand light bulbs have gone off in my head!! This has been a big stumbling block for me as I have a longstanding fear of a man’s anger, but now I see it so differently and the way you suggested a response, Daria and Rori, feels exactly right for me. Katja, I send love and thanks and will follow this thread, I’m dealing with a depressed man and all my own stuff getting triggered – insecurity, anger, racing thoughts – so exhausting, and also with moments of clarity and peace.



  30.  #30heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 3:46 am

    Linda – ace post! Yes to peace and coming from that place. The way you put it feels so eloquent, I’m just floating along in your words.

    So much here from everyone…. thank you xxxx



  31.  #31heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 4:09 am

    What I like about the anger advice is the ‘I feel’ at the beginning. e.g I feel wierd, I’m feeling a wierd vibe, I’m feeling tense, I feel churned up….

    It’s different from just asking him how’s HE’s feeling.

    I feel a little cautious I might start tuning in to him more than me – I need to keep myself in the picture. OK I’ll practise this.

    I really scared myself yesterday. I woke up feeling frustrated we had no definite plans to meet last night, so I made a decision to take myself out for the day and evening. I felt ok at first, then really really anxious – loads of old stuff playing out. Is this how it is? I sensed a shift in his response, friendly but less affectionate. That triggered me more.



  32.  #32Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 4:51 am

    Linda: If I were in your shoes, I would respond because I think you’re right…he’s bailing and he’s not honest enough to tell you that. I can’t stand it when a man isn’t honest! Here’s what I would say:

    “I’m sorry you’re not going to be able to make it. It felt good to know that after all this time we were finally going to meet and I am disappointed. I’m curious to know what exactly that ailment is that would allow doctors to know you’ll be able to travel in two years. I’d like to research it on the internet just to satisfy my own curiousity. Modern medicine is fascinating. How do they know so much so far in advance? Anyway…I digress.

    I feel that by you indicating you could come see me in a couple of years we are on a different page here and I’d like to clear up what’s going on with me. I have so much love and understanding and compassion and fun and excitement in my heart and I intend to share all of that with a man. I will not be available in two years. Maybe you misunderstood or I miscommunicated in some way but I am looking for a mature, adult, real relationship. I’m looking for a man to share my life with. Also, I’m sure you’re going to want to remain friends and stay in contact, but the attraction level is too high for that. It puts both of our hearts in a dangerous place and I don’t want to run the risk of compromising my dream of finding true love. It certainly was a pleasure getting to know you though.”

    I’m probaby WAY too passive aggressive for Rori but that’s what I would do. “Tell me more about your illness (what? you can’t? is that because I’ll look it up and KNOW you’re lying?). You want to see me in two years? (I’m sorry…I have no intention of being available in two years). You want to stay friends? (why? so you can keep me in your life and figure out a way to have internet sex with me and never having to get to know me?). You’re lying about something…I’m outta here.”

    This is where everyone could help me…am I appropriate here? I give advice like this but sometimes I feel like I should use my own blog for it. I’m just so damn passionate when it comes to men not being men. Maybe the advice I give goes completely against Rori’s teachings??? I’d call him out on the illness (by letting him know I’m going to find out he’s lying) but i’d do it in a very passive agressive way. I’d tell him (again with all the sweetness in the world) that I have no intention of taking TWO YEARS to find the man of my dreams and I’m not waiting around for this one! And, just in case he asks…yeah…uh…no…we’re not going to be friends!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33DocK on April 9, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I have missed SO much being away/sick that I can’t keep up with all the blogs/posts but I am trying to skim or sample through most of them. I feel so amazed by how everyone helps each other.

    Couple of comments on Rori’s original post…

    I know so much about not wanting to let someone do something for you.

    Not only was I sick with a virus but had cold sore flare up on face and horrible goings on with time of the month. Didn’t really want to be seen. But being sick, having no family here and friends live kind of far away, guy wanted to bring me some stuff over and I felt so weird about it. Like, ‘someone is going to do something for ME?’ (and I look like THIS?) I decided to let do it.

    He brought juice, bananas, medicine, honey for tea, etc. – so thoughtful. Later he said, “you’re soooo cute when you’re sick. With your hair up and silk pajamas you looked like a little geisha girl.” Ay yi yi – men are so weird!

    In terms of the movie character Bella and being beautiful and her confidence…I think some of the most insecure women are beautiful. They have had so much attention placed on their looks for so long – and they know that this is fleeting and they know that there’s always a new face in town for people to get excited about. They just don’t seem to value their other attributes.

    I guess that is part of why I felt I so wanted to emphasize my intellectual side -not that I am “bella” beautiful but my figure gets some attention. I didn’t want that to be all that I was about. Even so, couple of weeks ago, went out to dinner with friend and guys she worked with and one guy decided he liked my giggle and tagged me “giggles.” When he found out I had PhD he said to another guy, “Hey, Giggles is Dr. Giggles.” I’ve also had people call me “Dr. Blondie.” Oh well at least it’s some sort of acknowledgment.

    Honestly, the whole thing just cracks me up. I feel happy to back here. : )



  34.  #34Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 8:43 am

    Dock, you sound delightful.
    Remember Elle woods from Legally Blonde? Being attractive and smart and charming is just too much fro some people to handle. Sour grapes, DR Giggles.
    That guy who took care of you …wonderful!
    The fact you were able to receive…even better!



  35.  #35Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Mercedes, I completely understand and appreciate your advice! It’s everything I am thinking, but now I need to get these feelings across. I am in the process of taking elements from you and Daria and trying to put them together in an authentic me way.



  36.  #36Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 8:48 am

    Unbelievable! I just got an email from Christian Carter about Getting honesty from a man. At least I’m trendy.



  37.  #37Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 9:28 am

    OK so here’s my email response to him:

    I’m feeling kind of uncomfortable with this. I feel disappointed that I won’t get to meet you and that feels wierd.
    I feel a little suspicious. I’m feeling insecure; that there’s more to not being able to see me than your illness. I feel guilty feeling this way because our attraction level is so high, our correspondence so passionate and playful. But I have felt your increasing reticence.

    I am curious, what is really going on with all of this for you?

    love, Linnie (that’s me), Daria and Mercedes



  38.  #38Daria on April 9, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Wow I like it… a lot!

    This feels very clear and honest to me
    “I’m feeling insecure; that there’s more to not being able to see me than your illness”



  39.  #39heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 10:07 am

    Sounds great to me too, Linnie – very honest and clear, warm and open too. I relate to your dilemma with words and I feel joyful you’ve written such a fabulous response. It feels good also to witness sirens helping one another.



  40.  #40DocK on April 9, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Heartbeat – I love that you took yourself out. Moving around as I have, had to do that a lot. It is now something that I still really enjoy and even feel like I “need” to have in my life even when I get to know lots of people. What did you end up doing? Where did you go? Did you feel proud of yourself?

    Linnie, so amazing too – one of the things I have believed in for some time is that it is possible to speak truth but still be peaceful and loving. I feel Rori is helping us to learn this as well. All of you, such a wonderful exchange it feels so warm and supportive to “see” it (and feel it : ) )



  41.  #41Rori Raye on April 9, 2009 at 10:59 am

    What a treasure-filled exchange, here.

    Let’s center around Linda G and your long distance man.
    1. If there were more than him around you, you wouldn’t feel so caught up with him – yes, it’s about your energy being pulled over there, the expectation, the hope – If you can work with this one, you’ll make some huge leaps for yourself.

    2. I really, really liked the email you put together. It feels natural, real, compassionate, truthful and personally powerful.

    3. Mercedes – here’s my take on your demonstration letter for Linda G’s situation – I’m putting it all in a new post…



  42.  #42heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 11:04 am

    DocK – hi! Great to hear from you. Yeah my car is my therapy, so I went to see my son who is on tour with his band. They were amazing! I filled up. Such dark intense energy they have. My baby is a shouty man now. They just got signed – I feel so proud. I took his girlfriend and one of the other girlfriends too, we travelled 80miles there in the sunshine, and watched a partial eclipse of the moon as it got dark. And yes, i did feel proud of myself, and so blue too – and Rori’s e-letter today on the Pick Up Tool hit the nail yet again!

    I liked your point about good-looking women often being the most insecure (might be on another post, I’m on a blog catchup day today). I’ve learnt some amazing lessons from women who have fascinated me in their ability to be adored by their men (fathers, husbands, brothers) without being obsessed with looks. I was a plain child, later pretty but felt unattractive. I feel I’ve improved with age in every way, though I’m hitting 50 this year and noticing some sadness about not having loved myself when I was young and far more beautiful than I thought I was.



  43.  #43heartbeat on April 9, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Blessings for Easter, everyone. I’ll most likely be away til next week. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



  44.  #44DocK on April 9, 2009 at 11:34 am

    Hearbeat – I LOVE this. You DID have fun. Yayyyy!! (I’m such a kid). I love driving around too. Again, part of my living in towns without knowing folks. I get in the car and put on music and sing (always badly) and finally learned that even when I got lost – it ended up coming in handy down the road (HA -pun wasnt intended).

    I love music so much and remember when my brother was in a band and how fun and so must feel so exciting for you to see happening for your son.

    I relish your recognition that you have improved with age. Past is past – you were a goddess then too but now you feel it – that’s success!!



  45.  #45Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Thanks so much, Rori for your feedback. I had originally composed a much different letter, but with the help of the wonderful girls on this blog, I was able to write this one.
    We’ll see if/how he responds. It should be very telling.
    I tried to talk to my Mom about this and she panicked, “oh no, you should have ignored his email completely.” So I began to doubt myself.
    I am trying very hard to surround myself with as many dates as possible, especially after he disappointed the first time.
    My time is very limited, kids, parents, (my mom is in the hospital, I feel so guilty trying to date throughout), school, work, but I am beginning to meet some very caring and nice men on line that I am trying to make time for.
    I am listening astutely to Targeting MR Right for the second time.
    As far as sex, how do I maneuver this issue: I live with my 11 year old twins and my two elderly parents. I cannot have anyone sleepover here under any circumstances. What are my best options, not only for sex, but for being alone with a man?



  46.  #46Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    You ladies should read Rori’s post on Linda’s letter and my comment. It’s a good one. Not one I can totally relate to, but click on the link because her perspective on it is wonderful!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  47.  #47Ann on April 9, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I feel I need to leave a comment so I can keep up on my mobile when I can’t get on the computer. This blog is one site I feel I belong even when I can’t post.