Unearth The Anger And Bring On The Intimacy

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angrymanHere’s a situation – a VERY common situation, where a man is consistently defensive and on the attack in order to feel okay with himself. The cure is in my Toxic Men program, and I’ll touch on it here.

It’s about unearthing the anger in you, in him, in the relationship – and getting it out in the open in a NON-DRAMATIC way – so that it can be healed – and USED to bring you closer to each other.

Otherwise, the anger goes underground and does so much damage there that things are seemingly beyond repair – but it IS repairable. The key is in YOU.

SOMEONE has to start a new kind of communication, a new kind of attitude and approach, a new way of expressing all kinds of feelings – both verbally and physically – that actually CREATE INTIMACY, instead of driving it away.

To do this – you need more strength on the inside – more trust in yourself to state clearer, more consistent Boundaries – and a willingness to be completely vulnerable on the outside.

You have to trust yourself that you will not just BE there, vulnerable and open, when things don’t feel good – when there is even “modest” defensiveness and verbal abuse (I was with a man for a long time who was master of verbal abuse and manipulation – he was funny and charming, and so everyone always laughed, and I stood there wondering what was wrong with me…).

You have to know how to always stay open, and yet always feel strong enough to walk away. At any moment. That’s Power….

Here are 2 symptoms that anger is underground and running things:

1. Judgment and Criticism – you always feel as though everything you do is being “watched’ and “scrutinized” and “judged.”

Every time you do anything, he’s ready with a roll of his eyes, a snide comment – about what you did, about what you didn’t do, about his own needs that somehow it’s your fault aren’t being met (like where things are). Sometimes it’s about simple choices you make – or how you look or what you’re wearing. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes it’s muttered, sometimes it’s done with a joke (so it’s even harder for you to pin down). It’s constant and never-ending. You feel like a child being berated.

This is about a lot of things, but it can simply be the most “controlled” way a man can express his anger (often his anger at himself – it might have nothing to do with you). He judges you constantly because he’s such a harsh judge of himself. His guilt about his irritation and anger leaves him this “mild” way to express anger – telling you what you’re doing wrong.

(By the way – we do this too…)

2. Withdrawing

He’s drifting away emotionally, spending less time with you, there’s less sex, less affection.

Almost all my programs deal with this and how to stop it and bring him close again – and here – let’s just look at the hidden anger component: He’s angry, he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and so he withdraws. It’s easier.

When you talk with him and try to be “understanding” and get at what the problem is – he just feels angrier, and withdraws more.

The obvious expression of anger is arguments, fighting, verbal and physical attacks – but I don’t want to deal with that here because this is about HIDDEN anger – where all you’re experiencing is the tip of the iceberg, and you’re living in fear of that iceberg surfacing.

And here’s a small step to the solution: Unearth the anger iceberg by YOU changing YOUR reactions.

Now – this is not a lifestyle – you don’t want to be with a man who is constantly berating you or withdrawing from you where you have to be the one always “changing” – this is an experiment, a test, a learning experience – and the goal is to unearth the anger and learn to TOLERATE the experience of it.

Once you can get through surface stuff and into the rage that lies underneath – without all the arguing and fighting and nastiness that only uncovers a tiny part of the iceberg and actually DAMAGES a relationship – you’ll start to feel things loosen up and more affection, attention and love start to fill the space between you.

Instead of running away, or making an excuse for yourself or DEFENDING yourself – you want to:

1. Notice what’s going on with you.

Are you being run by fear? Do you want to run away? Do you want to hit him? Are you going numb? Are you determined to do whatever you have to to make peace and get his approval?

2. Speak the DEEPEST feeling you can find inside yourself.

That could be “I feel scared.” “I feel so angry.” “I feel turned off.”

When he questions you, just keep doing what you’re doing, saying your deepest feeling. If you have to put it in context, say “When I heard (you can repeat what he said here, or paraphrase it…just enough to let him know what you’re referring to…) – “I feel so tense…it felt awful…it feels scary..I felt like running…I feel like running…This doesn’t feel good to me…”

3. Stand your ground.

Don’t apologize for yourself, explain anything – and do not blame him, either.

Look him straight in the eye, as best you can. Lean back. You are not attacking, you are expressing.

What can you expect with doing it this way? All kinds of stuff will come up for you…

You’ll feel shaky, you’ll feel upset – and you’ll feel ANGRIER than you’ve ever felt! And what’s more…as YOU feel more comfortable with YOUR anger – so will he.

He’ll start to let you “have it.” He’ll start to let his anger out. And you have to be strong enough to hear anger and experience the ENERGY of anger – AS LONG AS IT’S NOT DIRECTED AT YOU!!

This means – the moment he turns it on YOU – you say “I’m happy to hear your feelings, even your anger, but I don’t want to feel attacked…” and if he doesn’t change his words and copy what you’re doing (expressing his feelings instead of blaming YOU)…then you must TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY…!

When this happens, and emotions start toย  surface,ย  I know it’s tough – but, actually – it’s fabulous!!! You are starting to communicate in a way that is triggering YOURSELF and your stuffed up and old feelings.

Now – all we have to do is get a routine down for how to handle your emotions when they bubble up…The more you tell him the truth, in feeling messages, the more you will feel that you don’t WANT to feel – otherwise you would have done this a long time ago.

Believe it or not – this is amazing PROGRESS. And – ALWAYS – the first emotion that shows up is ANGER.

Accept that you are enraged – and just keep processing it and sharing it. This is going to feel weird for a bit – so it’s really important you have a way to relax – to meditate – to regroup and ground yourself. Stuff you love that you can focus on and feel better quickly.

If he’s a man who NEEDS to put YOU down in order to feel okay – he won’t let up right away.ย  He’s going to up the ante, and keep at you to try to get a “rise” out of you so that you’ll go back to the old, crummy defense patterns you used to be stuck.

He may start to panic, and so he’ll do the only thing he knows – attacking you. You’re going to have to acknowledge how awful that feels right away – instead of stuffing down and answering him reasonably.

Later on – you’ll get a sense of humor about it – and he’ll stop doing this very soon…when you start feeling more powerful.

Defending yourself with anger or cleverness will not help you here – it will just make him work harder to top you.

As you express your anger simply, and let him know it doesn’t feel good, that you feel attacked, that you feel afraid of him and what he’ll say to you, and that it’s making you feel turned off…all this will change….You are only at the BEGINNING of this…be patient, take baby steps.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Mercedes on June 2, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    I like this a lot. It’s about boundaries and being totally authentic without blaming him or saying “you”. It’s all about saying what you feel…waiting for him to respond and walking away if that’s what’s needed. I love it, love it, love it.

    I also love that you said “this isn’t a lifestyle” because sometimes, when it’s time to walk away, it’s time to walk away forever…no matter how much it hurts.

    Thanks Rori!
    Much Love,

  2.  #2Robin on June 2, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Awesome Rori, Thank you!

    So we can say ‘I don’t want to feel attacked’? This isn’t breaking 1 of the 4 rules? Is the difference the word ‘feel’? So saying ‘I don’t want to feel attacked, disrespected, etc’ as opposed to saying ‘I don’t want to be attacked, disrespected, etc’ ?? Im feeling a little confused on that one.

    Also the more you tell the truth and use feeling messages, the more you will not WANT to feel?? So we notice ourselves wanting to shut down more as we progress?? How do move past that? We want to love ALL of our feelings, even the ones that aren’t as fun to feel, not shut down…

    This wanting to shut down thing has been happening more and more, so I feel relieved to hear that we WANT to do this as we progress, but we don’t want to do that, so how do we get out of shutting down…we notice it 1st…and then sink in…but sometimes the urge to shut down feels so intense…so how do we resist that temptation?

  3.  #3Daria on June 2, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Robin… i feel confused…

    the rules are that we WANT to say what we don’t want…


    I don’t want to feel attacked and I don’t want to be attacked are just fine to use, I prefer feel attacked because that has even less blaming feeling… (we can feel attacked even without saying that we Are being attacked (by him))

    Also I THINK Rori meant this…

    The more you tell him the truth, in feeling messages, the more you will feel [FEELINGS] that you donโ€™t WANT to feel – otherwise you would have done this a long time ago.

    although i could be wrong and it doesn’t change much.

    I guess if we just intend to not shut down, and stay open even a little bit past our comfort zone, we are taking Baby steps.

    Which is good.

  4.  #4Linda on June 2, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Heres a question for you. What do you do if you are the one that is angry and all edgy. Months even Years of things build up.


  5.  #5Aggy on June 3, 2009 at 2:47 am

    telling him how you feel then WALKING AWAY
    when he starts telling you how he feels!!
    am confused on this, am I not supposed to listen?
    walking away sounds unfair

    what do you think??

  6.  #6Daria on June 3, 2009 at 5:16 am

    Hi Aggy…

    no no, we don’t walk away when he starts to tell us how he feels. We DO want to be there and listen.

    We walk away if WE FEEL ATTACKED. Even then we can express that we don’t want to feel attacked and that we feel bad… if it still feels bad and we still feel attacked Then we walk away… we don’t want to tolerate feeling bad longer than it takes to express it.

  7.  #7Daria on June 3, 2009 at 5:19 am

    Ladies help…

    ok Goddess on vacation. Goddess meets good man. Man gives Goddess a tour of the town, gives her a phone, a t-shirt of his (???), an umbrella. Tries to give her his diamond watch.

    Man wants to move where Goddess lives and marry her.

    Goddess wants to date other men… not only at home but here now on vacation. Goddess doesn’t want to hurt man’s feelings. Goddess feels good …. and feels kind of dispassionate.


  8.  #8Mercedes on June 3, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Linda: I don’t know how to help with that one but I can tell you you’re not alone. That was me for sooooo long. I disconnected emotionally and couldn’t get it back with him. And yes…it was years of things building up.

    Daria: I know how it feels to meet a great guy but not want all he is offering in this moment. I too have been so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe just tell him things are moving too fast, he’s great but you’re not going to be exclusive?? I don’t know. How about the line from “He’s Just Not That Into You”…i think it was “it was really nice meeting you…” ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  9.  #9Deena on June 3, 2009 at 6:33 am

    I spent 20 years with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. I would never subject myself to that type of treatment ever again.

    It caused me quite a bit of physical and mental damage being constantly picked on, criticized, screamed at in drunken rages. My kids suffered so much from this also.

    I would never stay around and try to talk to someone like that.

    I’m much too valuable.

  10.  #10DocK on June 3, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Have had to read this over and over again because I am so puzzled by my feelings – don’t even know what I am feeling or what the right words are to describe it.

    Ex had horrible anger issues. Scary. Maybe can’t face this yet.

    I am not so good with anger although I feel angry a lot – less than I used to. I don’t think I am good at “handling” my anger. I have been alone so long that I only usually have to deal with myself. When I visit family and all of those dynamics are there – I feel upset. They are all used to it and look at me like I’m crazy when my eyes well up with tears when they argue.

    I was married very VERY young and when I didn’t want to argue that ex would follow me around yapping at my back as I tried to walk away. I know there is a right way to disagree and I like the guidelines Rori has given us here.

    I have started to read the Rori posts from the beginning. I feel happy doing this because I realized there is a lot of useful information that I am missing and it is helping to fill in some blanks for me.

  11.  #11Dorothea on June 3, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Daria: Sounds flattering and feels like something that would make me feel creeped out though I have a bias towards being creeped out.

    Dock: When I was a kid my mother and I moved 2000 miles away from our family and then when I was in high school I was on my own, so I never have to deal with anyone but myself and my friends. When my family does come around I feel like an emotional basket case. I spend my whole life being chill and someone everyone respects but then my family comes around once a year or so and all they notice is that I’m “emotional.” I’ve been told to toughen up. It feels hilarious and defeating that the people I would want to notice my hard and good work the most and appreciate it the most are the only ones who have a hard time doing that. And I can’t “keep it together” around them. LOL I feel really amused thinking about it, because I have a twisted, ironic sense of humor.

    My ex and I were very angry all the time.

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted and that’s really because everything’s going very well in my life. I’m feeling really good and I’m thinking about how to write about how the tools are working great for me. Lots of Love!

  12.  #12Daria on June 3, 2009 at 7:39 am

    My interview is in one hour! I feel excited. Yay… i feel scared too. i want to feel good and that feels like relaxing… and having one of these new york style pastrami sandwiches…

  13.  #13DocK on June 3, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Daria – Yayyyy – I feel excited for you. I know I don’t even know you, but reading your posts I feel like I do and you are amazing. Good luck!

    NY feels like home to me now. When I first moved here – hated it! I can remember the exact moment that it charmed me. Keep us “posted.” : )

    Dorothea – thanks for response, and yes, please let us know how they worked for you – feel happy to hear things are going well for you.

  14.  #14Amanda on June 3, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Thanks for posting this, Rori. This is my man, to a tee.

    Every time we’d get into an argument, he’d always get defensive right away. It’s always been extremely frustrating, because (up until a few months ago) I usually end up apologizing for bringing anything up, even if I had a RIGHT to be upset. It would always get turned around and make ME feel bad or guilty.

    Eventually, through reading your eletters, blog, and the ebook… I came to the conclusion that maybe it could have something to do with how I approach him during these times, as well. I may have THOUGHT I was being calm, but could’ve been using language/phrasing that could’ve been a disguised attack.

    So, I decided to try it a little differently. This included speaking about and focusing on only how I felt, rather than coming off as though I was attacking him.

    I’d also stay as calm as I possibly could, and speak in a lower volume…. and you know what? I was literally AMAZED at how much easier our arguments became. Sure, sometimes we’d still agree to disagree, but when I went calm and quiet towards him, he was silent. He wasn’t defensive, he wasn’t saying “whatever” to me and dismissing me, he was simply silent. Then he’d respond in the conversation when need be. I felt amazing when he was silent. As you said in this article, I felt completely empowered. It was SO nice. I felt like instead of just constantly trying to get it over with or change the subject, that he actually HEARD what I was saying and was actually taking it ALL in.

    Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

    Your eletters alone worked wonders on not only how I communicate with, but also definitely raised my confidence in terms of communicating my needs to him.

  15.  #15Daria on June 3, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Tanks Dock! I feel like I did really well. It felt cool to hear about your grandparents being from Romania! woo hoo! That means you’re half Romanian …

    I love it there especially summertime at the beach.

    New York reminds me of the capital where I was born.

  16.  #16ann on June 3, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    learning from my mobile

  17.  #17JNB on June 3, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    It feels weird to say it, but I am looking forward to my next argument to test this approach. Thanks to practicing “feeling messages” I have more confidence in communicating my rawest emotions. I’ve actually felt strong surrender and, I didn’t understand it until it happened, but it really does feel empowering. I often wonder if my marriage could’ve been healed if I’d had the tools when I was with my ex. I don’t miss that relationship, though. My ex-husband’s behavior is perfectly described as “Man-boy” behavior in the “Turn Your Boy into a Man” e-letter. Everything was a struggle with him. Luckily my boyfriend has a completely different personality and is so easy-going that he doesn’t hardly ever get upset. I am trying to determine if he is an emotion-stuffer. (Now that I’ve thought about it, I guess most mature men are, aren’t they? Since it’s the woman’s job to feel? Hmmm, interesting….) We’ve never had a major argument, so I have no idea how we will react to each other. Before we have the first blow up, I want to learn as much as I can about arguing effectively/fairly/honestly as I can. I know this post will help. Thanks, Rori!

  18.  #18Jody on June 3, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Tina, your right it is his journey. But as a very soft hearted woman, I understand how his problems, his thoughts become your own. I do this all the time. I am filled right now with so much grief, sadness, and anger, I want to put it on K. right now. Logically I know its not his fault, but I want to blame him and punish him for not loving me, wanting me, missing me, and appreciating me. If he would have left me alone, I wouldnt be here. Truth is, and hard to accept, is I chose to love him, I chose to open myself up to him, and really the person Im angry with is me, for still caring. He doesn’t care if Im hurt, or crying right now. and that makes me so angry and resentful. I have no idea how to let this anger go, and turn it on the person who is really responsible… me…

  19.  #19Amanda on June 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I really really wish I could read the โ€œTurn Your Boy into a Manโ€ e-letter. So badly. My boyfriend is definitely a Man-Boy. Does anyone have a copy they could email me? Or is there a way to get it from Rori?

  20.  #20Daria on June 3, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Jody… actually feeling anger towards HIM rather than towards Yourself is a HUGE first step… feel that anger. it’s good to be angry at HIM!!! really feel your anger and see if you can write down everything you feel… then change each sentence to a feeling message or a don’t want… practice for power speech

    also try in the power and self esteem tools here on the side bar, starting with the first few articles and “Riffing”
    that will show you how to love the anger IN YOUR BODY and then channel it to something good for you!

  21.  #21Kat on June 3, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Rori, I have lived with someone for about 4 years. I want the commitment of marriage. He says he won’t get married again. He tells everyone he thinks we will be together forever. He gives me everything material that I could ask for. I feel like he is trying to buy me so I will stay. I told him I won’t live like this forever. If something happened to him or if he decided it was over I would be on the street, looking for somewhere to live. I have moved out now. At first he was texting or e-mailing me constantly that he couldn’t find something or needing something I had. I haven’t heard anything from him in about a week now. He was all into porn, angry, defensive, did not want anything to do with his family and saying mine always took up too much of my time. Do you think there is even a chance for us or should I just try to forget him and move on?

  22.  #22JNB on June 3, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    I would be happy to forward it to you! I still have it in my inbox! I’m not sure how I can get your email address.

    Basically it is explaining the differences between an mature masculine male energy, a mature feminine male energy, and the boy/man energy within an analogy of the relationship as a rowboat. Here’s what she says a boy/man energy is like:

    ” With a boy-man, you never know what you’re
    getting from one moment to the next.

    A boy-man not only wants you to row the
    boat and take charge and THINK so he can FEEL, he
    wants to take charge, too – all at the same time!

    So, if he doesn’t want to row, he won’t
    let you row, either!

    You’ll be stuck, dead in the water in the
    middle of the lake.

    Now, with a feminine energy grown-up man,
    if no one’s rowing the boat, you could still be
    having fun.

    You could dangle your feet in the water,
    or play cards, or laugh and look at the scenery.

    But with a boy-man – he’ll pout.

    He’ll tell you it’s cold out there, and
    he’s hungry, and he wants to go home. Then he’ll
    stare at you to row the boat. And get angry with
    you, or go cold and withdraw, NO MATTER WHAT YOU

    And when you finally agree to pick up the
    oars, he’ll push you away because he doesn’t like
    the way you row.

    He’ll spend the whole trip telling you how
    to row.

    He won’t touch an oar, but he’ll tell you
    how to do it, and why he can’t.”

    I hope that helps!

  23.  #23JNB on June 3, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Amanda, I can forward you the email. I just tried to copy/paste it into this comment box but when I hit submit, the post did not appear.

  24.  #24Amanda on June 3, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    JNB, thanks so much!! I really appreciate it. You can send it to msamandamc@gmail.com

  25.  #25Rori Raye on June 3, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Kat, welcome – and it seems that you already HAVE moved on – and to that I say “Brava.”

    If he loves you enough and misses you enough, he will come for you, and he will change – but until that happens, you have to start DATING!!! And by that I mean Circular Dating – which you can do gently without actually going out on dates until you’re ready. Please forget about him until and unless he shows up again. There’s no reason on earth why you can’t date other men and him at the same time – but I usually find that my clients in your situation find another man who’s terrifc fast – and this old man who isn’t giving enough just drops by the wayside of your life. Love, Rori

  26.  #26Robin on June 4, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Daria, Im dying to know how your interview went!

    Also, the guys who offer us the world after a day (or sooner!) or shortly after make me think RED FLAG-I could be wrong, but I’ve felt sorta leery of them, especially recently with the circular dating-

    The guy who made our waitress cry on our second date was talking about getting married before we had even met for our first coffee date…and I kinda go WHOA…the 5 hr. guy give me the impression that he thinks we’re in a relationship, so maybe these guys are good practice for the no gf speech?

    But at the same time, THESE MEN RECOGNIZE OUR GODDESS-NESS, so its no wonder this guy wants you so quickly, he sees how AWESOME you are!! But its up to us to speak our truth about what we want and what feels good to us, all about the practice..

  27.  #27Symantha on June 4, 2009 at 1:55 am


    Thank you! Is so subtle that may take you months before realizing that’s a toxic pattern, when my men does/ have this behaviour and at the other hand COMPENSATES big time
    With attention, caring and love most of the time I was thinking there was something wrong with me! That I was overly sensitive!!!

  28.  #28Aggy on June 4, 2009 at 3:10 am

    please if you dont mind forward me the mail ‘turn your boy into a man’ too, I will realy appreciate my add.

  29.  #29searchingwithin on June 4, 2009 at 5:05 am

    We have spent our lives stuffing down emotions that are uncomfortable for us, so I fully understand the feeling that we don’t want to feel when we allow those feelings to release their hold.

    It’s also very hard to calmly accept someone’s angry energy, especially when it is directed at us. We want to fix it, now. Our habit is to defend, which is defeating for us, them, and the relationship.

    Baby steps, self-awareness, and self-control, and gradual release are so healing.

    Thank you for you gentle guidance in helping us to reach the other side.

  30.  #30DocK on June 4, 2009 at 6:36 am

    I feel angry. All out, consuming fire, anger and rage. I don’t know what to do with it. I want to feel, flip and riff and re-read the posts on that but I still don’t know how to do it. so now I feel angry AND stupid.

  31.  #31Daria on June 4, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Oh Dock!! I feel super concerned…

    I would sit down with my anger (mine makes me want to get up walk around and crush walls) and feel the tightness in my chest and the tingling and the cold numbness and whatever. Feel its power. That is your power! it’s amazing. Then tell it and yourself you love it. And thank it for being here, for being part of you… for its power, for trying to protect you. That is pretty much how to riff it…

    You can also try a new tool I have called Butterball… Butterball involves feeling a tight hard rock like sensation in my body, imagining it as a rock, and Surrounding it in creamy, buttery JOY AND LOVE. So that the center is a tiny rock like the nucleus of an atom, and all the outside stuff as big as the rest of the atom is Joy and Love. Try to surround it on all sides, then pay attention to the hard area… chances are being surrounded by Love and Joy, it will either melt itself, or you will feel really good diving your attention in all that cotton candy looking, creamy love and joy as you get to pay attention to the rock part.

  32.  #32Daria on June 4, 2009 at 11:03 am

    this guy online asked me to write a paragraph about love… and i wrote a poem… here it is:

    love is the spark love is the stretch love is the cotton candy buttterball/ love is available love is eager peeking out when its hidden love bursts and bursts and centerstages it/ love calms and love fires and love cleans and love trims and love scars and heals/ love is the stickyness the black space universe night an love is nebula glow an birth of stars/ love is recycling love runs the loop / feel it fill it lose it find it move it grind it mmmmm love

  33.  #33DocK on June 4, 2009 at 11:13 am

    Hi Daria

    thank you so much, I feel grateful for your concern. Even though I don’t know much about the flip and riff I def had the first part down about laying out the feelings and so went and wrote them and do feel more calm. I am reading over the examples from women here and how they do it and will try to take it further.

    I like the “butterball” idea and will do that too : )

    Just one of those days of soup of feelings that are more angry, sad and frustrated than the good stuff : (

  34.  #34Erika on June 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Last night and today, I was in a long text conversation with a very, very angry man. He denied he was angry, but I could feel it in my entire body.

    In the past, I would have cut off the conversation, but I found that I wasn’t taking it personally and was able to stay with the (icky) energy. So I stayed with it instead.

    He went through a litany of denial, accusations, cover-ups (telling me how happy he was and smiling the whole time), etc. He insulted me and a guy I was dating. I did not react. Instead, I kept saying, “it is anger,” “you are one of the angriest men I’ve ever met,” etc. etc.

    Finally, after I stood my ground for hours, he admitted he was angry. But then he tried to convince me that he has “tempered his anger by giving guidance and love to other people.”

    I said: “You haven’t tempered your anger. You have covered it up with bullshit.”

    Well, by the very very end, I think I may have a new EFT client. ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s a testament to standing your ground and speaking your truth no matter how much the other person tries to make it “your issue.”

    Men desperately need us to have a backbone. It’s the only way they can see through their own BS and get healed.

  35.  #35Daria on June 4, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    i feel cranky and sad and i just got myself shoes before this but they were expensive. I also had 2 glasses of champagne in the store.


    i might be pmsing.

    i want my period. i want sex. i want attention. i want feeling good. waah. i want sleep.

  36.  #36Daria on June 4, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Fuck. I double booked 2 guys for tonite. Trying to love my guilty feeling.

    Help with this anyone?

  37.  #37Cassandra on June 4, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Daria……congrats on your interview!! I can’t get caught up with everything here I am so far behind but what an awesome problem to have!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    This article was also so great! I have been dealing with this not only with Charles but with the pastor which I am no longer talking to at all. I will say that the experience with the pastor was eye opening for me in that I realized that I am afraid of a man’s anger and what he will say to me but even more so I feel so unheard. I repeatedly kept my words to feelings messages to make sure tah I wasn ot attacking anyone but he told me that no matter how I put it what I was saying was an attack. How do you respond to that?? Everything that I said was in feeling messages…..’i feel uncomfortable…that felt really awful….or icky and I don’t like to feel like that…i am feeling unheard…I am feeling that what I say is turned around…..I feel angry and like I want to run away’ He told me oever and over that I was indeed attacking him so how do you respond to that??

    If I bring something up that I need to talk about Charles is extremely defensive right away and I let him know that I want and need to feel safe talking to him and as soon as I let him know that he seems to get alot less defensive. That is a huge deal for him/us in that I feel that he is trying and that he is more open but at times I do still feel afraid to tell him certain things for fear that he will turn it around on me….”Bad Cassandra for …….” and this is exactly what happened the other night. I am going to tell him how I felt about that situation when he gets home although he won’t be homeuntil very late this tonight so I will talk to him tomorrow andI am actually looking forward to it.

  38.  #38cookie on June 4, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Hi ladies, hi cassandra I feel to see your posts cuz then I know ur still around. Congrats daria on your interview.

  39.  #39cookie on June 4, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    So lately I have been having trouble sleeping in my bed. I only rest when I’m with my guy. When I’m home I’m consumed with fear and anxiety even when I am exhausted. In my sleep I have weird dreams. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t know what it is other than unsettledness. My guy told me that he thinks he needs to learn something else. He has told me before that if I feel like he’s holdin me back then I can go. He does this, judges and criticizes me. I do believe its bcuz he isn’t satisfied with him

  40.  #40cookie on June 4, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Self. Sometimes I take it personal but most times I note to myself that his behavior indicates that we have been spending too much time together and that its time to take some space from him, which I do for two or three days.I feel worried about the future of us, I told him before that it feels like the beginning of the end to me. I feel sad because I don’t want to wait but I don’t want to leave. I’m not sure even after almost 8yrs, if he can dance? I’m afraid that its me.

  41.  #41cookie on June 4, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Has anyone seen that new show “hitched or ditched”? Its a show where long term couples are given the choice to either marry each other or move on. The show provides everything for their dream wedding, they get a week to decide at the altar. In one episode, this couple was togethr for 4yrs, the guy was like I love her, she’s my best friend. At the end he decided not to marry her, in front of everybody. She said at the end that when the rite girl comes along he wouldn’t take 4yrs to marry her. I felt bad.

  42.  #42Erika on June 4, 2009 at 6:51 pm


    Lol, maybe have a date with both of them? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Btw, one thing I’ve learned from all this. If we are having misgivings about marrying a particular man, it may be a good idea to listen to our intuition. Using logic to override gut feelings is a recipe for disaster IMO.

  43.  #43Linda on June 4, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I have come to the end.

    I met someone online circular dating. I liked him before I met him in person. He was so warm, calm and open…. I responded to his invitation to be his girlfriend, the next day he was cold. We have gone round and round the come close and pull away from me thing so many times (5) I think… I have come to the end. Two weeks ago he said “so you want to get hitched, make a commitment, it is the thing to do”… I said “yes but not right away” I thought to myself, (if you make the commitment to me finally the marriage part will happen)

    So we saw each other for about another week and he pulled away again. Two weeks ago he said to me “I am yours”… today he said he was feeling indifferent and he wants to date others… that things moved too fast for him…has too much on his plate …. blah blah blah He was so cold and withdrawn.

    I asked for my garage door openner and we walked to his car to get it. He said friends? and hugged me. I said, so I will say goodbye.. he said I would not say that. Emotionally I cant let him do that to me…. I called his name and he walked back to me… I told him “I do love you”.. he said, “I know that you do, than added I just want it ALL”….. what an arrogant shallow man. I thought to myself… you are walking away from it right now.

    I feel sad. I have cried a little. I feel relieved. I wont feel disappointed that he did not call me or want to see me. I am happy that I forced closure today… I cant stand another dangling maybe. For that I am proud of myself for that. enough was enough

    What does tomorrow bring? He said he needed to really know if he was supposed to be with me or not and he needed time to discover that… I already know what the answer is. Next time he comes around he will need to be bearing the gifts that I need because I will not settle for anything less. He set the rules today.. I will enforce them. I am a prize to be won it is not the other way around. Winning me will be on my terms.

    I want to add one last note here. You might think that I should not have left things so open for him… or told him that I loved him. Here is my philosphy ladies…

    I dont tell someone that I love them out of a motivation that I need to hear it spoken or affirmed to me. I speak those words because they are true. One never knows if you will ever have an opportunity to speak them in their hearing again. How interesting response to me…. I know you do…. I left him as no other woman has, not with wrath, or anger, or put downs, or defensiveness but instead.. as the confident, gracious, authentic, woman that I am. When he thinks of me and he will… he will remember the last thing I spoke…. I can live with myself and sleep at night knowing that. My heart is a peace.

    Nite ladies Linda

  44.  #44cookie on June 4, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    Also, I feel proud. Today we ended our overnite staff retreat and we had to give an appreciation to the person on our right side. I was sitting next to a staff member who I find annoyn and who I feel doesn’t like me. So anyway, she had to say something about me. She spoke about my work with my students etc. But then she said that she appreciatd me for speakn out for the rights of the underserved students n my ability to take the popular position, and that she knew my heart was in the right place.

  45.  #45cookie on June 4, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    I felt proud that I’m presentin myself, at least in my profession, as the woman I always wantd to b

  46.  #46Erika on June 4, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    hey cookie, that feels touching … to hear about you receiving appreciation from someone you don’t normally enjoy all that much ๐Ÿ™‚

  47.  #47cookie on June 5, 2009 at 4:40 am

    Sorry I meant to write take the unpopular position. Damn blackberry!

  48.  #48Linda G on June 5, 2009 at 6:15 am

    I had a LTR with a guy who did all the eye rolling, remark, judging kind of stuff. And he would withdraw big time. I tried so hard to get to him on so many levels. He made me feel desperate. Finally, after a long while, I told where I stand, that I would stay with him if he would step up. I decided to split from him. Months later he began calling again. He said he would be in my neighborhood, having dinner with his kids (he lives a bit far, so teh trip was obviously to see me) and why don’t I bring mine. My son and I showed up and midway through the meal, I realized his kids were doing the eye roll judging thing too. That’s when I realized it was hopeless. His attitude was contagious and it was apparant they had spoken about us in a snarky way.

    My kid and I both felt judged, though we didn’t say anything and it was a yucky night. Looking back, I really hated being in the postion to have to backflip for someone.

  49.  #49Daria on June 5, 2009 at 10:29 am

    I had the most awesome fun time with this guy I feel super attracted to. He bought me drinks all nite, we had so much fun!!! Also I felt really safe with him emotionally and I could actually admire him on so many levels and i Really like this guy.

    I said he could stay at my hotel room and I didn’t really want to have sex (although I felt turned on) and I said so. That I didn’t know if I wanted to have sex and that I felt turned on. He kinda pushed me for it again a little later and I felt bad

    now I kinda awkwardly got off him and went to sleep on the side. Actually I relaxed so it wasn’t that bad.

    But i felt SO Triggered! I felt like he won’t like me anymore for not having sex with him… AAAAAH. I felt a little weird all until he left. I have felt this often with other guys when I say no to sex.

    BTW the other guy I was supposed to meet, I texted him that I feel guilty and am going to do something and I should be back later and will text me. Turns out he was already on his way… or close to it… I did not pick up his calls… he called like 20 times that he is waiting for me and “did not understand my text.” BS how do you not understand that text. Uhhh….

    Anyways i felt guilty and even a little scared till i checked my voicemails from him and he was just saying the above. i felt guilty but am trying to embrace it and embrace that I’m a Goddess who can do what she wants on vacation and doesn’t owe a guy a date if she plans something else.

    Even though a part of me says that is wrong because we had plans. and that I’m a bitch.

    But I like the guy I went out with more. Even though the guy I didn’t go out with seems to like me more (or at least more desperately…. maybe not a good thing I dono).

    I am glad the universe is sending me sexy, fun, interesting guys like the one from last nite that know how to make me comfortable and also turn me on. I also feel glad to practice this trigger right now so I can meet more more and feel good even when I say no to sex and he feels mad or disappointed.

    Awwww… I feel shaky.

  50.  #50Bolo on June 5, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Good advice. After a while you get tired of being mad all the time…

  51.  #51Daria on June 5, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Rori- please help with new GUILT dating triggers…

    for example guy asks for date Thursday but doesn’t firm up plans (no hour mentioned)… I take spontaneous offer to hang out w someone for a lil while… then it turns out guy from before wants to come through…

  52.  #52Linda G on June 5, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    what a great spot, but a tough one to be in! Everybody wants you! Yay!
    Sometimes things just go awry with textas and emails and stuff.
    I would just tell the first guy, who didn’t call on time.
    Gee, I feel so embarrassed/awkward but when I didn’t hear from you I made other plans.
    or I was feeling so excited to see you but…when I didn’t hear from you I made other plans.
    He may stomp off or pout for a bit. A good guy will call again.
    If not. not.
    You are a Goddess, and Goddesses don’t wait around for men.
    At least that’s how I see it.
    PS Welcome to New York! Don’t you love it?!

  53.  #53Linmayu on June 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Wow…reading everyone’s comments feels great.

    I believe it’s time for me to start dating myself. ๐Ÿ˜€

  54.  #54Linda on June 6, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Linda G this is one of the other Lindas lol

    I read your comment. Isnt it great to be in touch with your feelings even if it is after the fact. I am hoping to be so in touch with myself that I can know at the moment and not have to wait on rethinking it.

    I know what if feel like to try to get through to someone on lots of levels. Maybe it is a form of overfunctioning. I did mine while leaning back I think if that is possible. By that I mean not making any contact with the person I was hoping to reach but running it through my brain all the time. There were several things that I discovered during that time. Every time I did and then later had the opportunity to share with him he would respond well. So I dont know if it was productive or not. In the end I was worn out, and he still remains uncommitted to me.

    I have learned through the process. If someone makes you feel like you have to do back flips (I deep down felt like that but wouldnt) then they are not an accepting person. Hard to please. If in a moment when they seem they want to be with you, say you are out to dinner and they are sharing. Listen to how they share, body language, eye rolling… their attitudes drive them.
    If they do that about someone else dont think that you are exempt from it. I am learning that from my circular dating. Listen to how they talk about their ex’s. It tells it all. Out of the mouth comes the abundance of the heart. No one is a hard to figure out and it is fun to find the discover who they are.

    I like that you said, you would stay with him if he stepped up. In the end we have to know what we want and hold fast to it. It they step up great, if not kick it to the curb…. This last guy really gave me nothing, invested nothing in me from himself, I did not feel like I mattered to him at all or he gave a shit about me really…only time I heard from him was if he was feeling needy…. a very self centered man. When I think back on all the things he said, he was very contradictory and unsettled, emotionally unhealthy, negative and critical. A real Danny Downer!

    I know that we hope that we can reach people like this and the one you had in your life. I know they can it is just most dont want to be reached… I think we all should be really picky about who we spend our time with.

    I certainly wish things had turned out differently for me this week. I cant say that I miss him because he invested nothing therefore there is nothing to miss, it is just that (why I dont know)… I was drawn to him, and he was to me… he just couldn’t let go of the past and his self admitted unattainable goal of finding “it all” in a woman. Just makes me shake my head and am sad for him… sigh


  55.  #55Linda on June 6, 2009 at 9:38 am

    This blog has helped me so much. Comments from everyone has too.

    I found this the other day and want to share it with everyone. It seems just another way to become better gate keepers of our own lives… and be happier and healthier because of it. This can apply to relationships across the board… love, friend, family etc etc.


    Life is like a theater – invite your audience carefully.
    Not everyone is healthy and mature enough to have a FRONT ROW SEAT in our life.
    There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

    It is amazing what you can accomplish when you LET GO, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, imcompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships!

    Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
    Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
    Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going nowhere are downhill?
    When you are around certain people do you feel better or worse?
    What about when you are not around them… do you feel better or worse?
    Which people always have DRAMA or dont really understand, know or appreciate you and the gift that you are or that lies within you?……

    The more your seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will be for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony , or even removed from your life.

    You can not change the people around you… but you can change the people you are around! and….. just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesnt mean that you sink to theirs.

    I found this inspiring and I seek wisdom and dicernment so that I can wisely choose who sits in the front row of my life….

    Hugs to you… Linda

  56.  #56Linda G on June 6, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Thanks Linda for that great poem. It speaks miles to me.
    For my guy, it was like when Rori says on one of her programs, how we are so grateful for a guy providing one of our needs, even just once, that we continue to hang around and endure all sorts of withdrawing and abuse in the hopes he might do that thing for us again.

  57.  #57Linda G on June 6, 2009 at 10:34 am

    I also believe that when someone holds out for someone who “has it all” they are doing one of two things: using that as an excuse to never do it with anyone; or just looking to be rescued, needing a woman to be their solution. It’s insurmountable.

  58.  #58Daria on June 6, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Linda G thank you.
    I feel really helped and secure reading your phrasing. About the “I felt excited to see you, but … I made other plans.” And yes he did show up again no problem

    Linda – I remember your posts about (I assume) this man and feel glad that you are now leaving him behind. Thinking about him in your had is Overfunctioning no matter if you are not calling. It is not good for YOU or your vibe. I would want to definitely Circular Date, that is more than 3 as in the Targeting Mr. Right Program… and take it light… have some fun… hehe… definitely no leaning forward.

  59.  #59Linda on June 6, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks ladies.. both of you are right. I feel pitty for him. He is using it as an excuse and wants to be rescued…. One day he says he knows he is wrong and then a few days later he hardens and withdraws using that as the reason… his “have to have” and nothing less will do because he just cant settle again. I feel sorry for the next in line.

    You are so right… they might give is one thing we need and then we endure everything else hoping for more. Ugh… when will I learn? Today! lol I left him alone did not contact and planned not to for weeks. He started texting me again.. when you get a text that says… he was thinking about my gentle face, pretty hands, caring lap, dicerning spirit and wise words… I fell for it. He came back and did the same thing again… talked a good game but withdrew again. All in the name of just feeling indifferent again!… The other day he accused me of pursuing him… when we were supposed to be in a mutual relationship. That pissed me off! I did learn from the comment though.

    He is 52 years old and three broken marriages later he still has never found it and not felt close to anyone in 23 years at his own admission… duh… helloo! He told me I was the only woman he has felt comfortable with in years… yet I just not “the one with it all” Yes indeed it is a crutch and insurmountable!

    Daria, I have been circular dating this whole time. Although I only really liked the one that has dumped me… I have let two fall off the map…because of how I felt when I was around them…. One called himself his dogs daddie! LOL to feminine for me…The other.. he was nice but consistently casual with me.. Except when together he wanted to get physical. For me casual and physical dont mix. He was a great kisser but come on!..not that good I am not wired that way. Yet another texts me every day but does not make time in his schedule to do anything, I dont know what to think about him… and the last was the jurk I have just written about..

    Well I will keep fishing, looking for Mr Right. Sometimes I think my ex-husband wasnt so bad after all… lol


  60.  #60Linmayu on June 6, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Linda, I want to kick the guy you like in the nads. I mean, it’s every person’s right to hold out for what they want but…god it hurts like hell to like someone and be told I don’t have what they’re looking for. In the past with guys I liked they’d find fault with my body and the fact it wasn’t the color and shape they preferred; that was always their excuse for not wanting to get close. And it hurts now to remember that, and I feel angry.

    Wow. XD I feel amused by myself and how emo I am. And I feel scared I’ll be judged for my posts, I feel scared I’ll be kicked out of the circle because I’m not bringing any new man stories.

    Ouch. That guy’s words really hurt. Did he really say “nothing less will do”? Did he really call you “less” than what he wants? Oooooh that makes me feel angry. Who the hell is he to say that?

    Oh yeah, but I say the same thing. I’ve raised my standards so high that only God Himself can hope to meet them. Fuck.

  61.  #61Linda G on June 6, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    This last bit really sings to me. yuck.
    I had spoken with a guy I met online a few weeks ago and we really had a good conversation, tools , everything accomplished. I didn’t hear from him again, but then was alerted he had emailed me through a dating site I no longer subscribed to. I sat on it for about a week or two. then I thought, what the hell. I’ll send him a “flirt” on that website. I decided to renew.
    After, I looked at is original email and he said ” I have starteds eeing someone else but would like to call you if it doesn’t work out”.
    I was furious. Partly because I had shown an interest before reading this.
    He responded to me, “I am so glad you are still interested.”
    I said, “I sent that before I read your email. It feels uneasy being put on the back burner”.

  62.  #62Linda on June 6, 2009 at 7:17 pm


    I love your anger. It is great to read your words in defense of me. Makes me feel loved and prized and I dont even know you….. Yea he has said those words to me more than once.

    He actually wrote me a letter in April telling me that I lacked the physical beauty he desired and that was the one thing that kept him from being head over heals for me….but it was a cover up for his insecurity, and fears. My response was….undefensive and matter of fact…I said with a smile on my face, “I am who I am. All 50 glorious beautiful years of me. I have laugh lines and freckles and some bad veins and my breast sag a bit and I have a tummy that has stretched to produce two beautiful children that did not go back all the way and I have a heart that has been broken, and rejected but still capable and ready to love someone”. I told him that I was sorry he did not recogize me for who I truely was in his life.

    As a side note ladies.. I wear a size 10 have a great tan. I am giving and insightful am standing on my own two feet financially and I dont make a huge salary. I am healthy, have all my own teeth still (lol) . Buying my own house, own my Lexus… am resourceful… my job is secure….I could list more…so really what does his opinion mean to me? Who is he to discredit me… nothing and no one.

    I have come so far from where I was when I first found this blog. I used to hate myself really…my self worth and validation came from others and now… the only opinion about me that counts is mine. I like who I am in my success and failure. My self worth… and value does not depend on what he thinks. Even if he thought I was beautiful, I would still feel the same way about me. I dont know how but his words have bounced off me like teflon and left no wound.

    I did not have any energy to be angry. Just energy to walk away with grace on my lips..my character in tact and my head held high with a with a spring in my step and a wiggle in my walk….. Like I said earlier… his memory of me will be unlike any other woman. The one he sent away that he rejected that he shouldn’t have.

  63.  #63Ann on June 6, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Hello ladies I’m on the computer tonight and to be real honest I’m in alot of pain. I’m calmer now than I was 24 hours ago but I still feel so much hurt, anger, disappointment and betrayal.

    I do have some good news so let me do that first. Hubby got his staples out yesterday. They said his incision looks like its healing well. I’m happy for him. The dr wants him to come back sometime in the next 2 weeks for a CAT Scan on his stomach. And he has another dr he wants him to see.

    However, we found out yesterday his insurance runs completely out in July. If he can’t get back to work he has NO insurance. His work place has long term disability he can sign up for around the end of July but it just pays a part of the salary he would of drew NO insurance. We found out the day before he’s NOT eligible for medicaid. We have NO income whatsoever coming in NO other insurance. The system sucks I’m SO ANGRY. His bosses clerk send us to the unemployment office and me saying he can’t get unemployment. We walked in there the lady said can I help you? I said can you answer a question for us “can he draw unemployment on family medical leave?” She didn’t know ask a couple of other people they didn’t know. Called a supervisior who said no.

    Now let’s add some insult to injury. My daughter, granddaughter and I were at her house after all this. A man knocked on my daughter’s door looking for the owner of the car in front of her house, my husband’s, he wasn’t there. But the man dropped a BOMBSHELL in our laps. He said the bank sent him to look at the houses because they were being sold.

    These 3 houses here in a roll, belong to a man we’re SUPPOSED to be GOOD FRIEND”S with. Like family-his words. A man in position of authority. A elected official we’ve supported and help as much as he’s helped us. We knew he’d talked about selling them. But he hadn’t said anything about it lately. He’s heard me say the rent was one thing I WASN’T worried about. He knew we’d catch the rent up… his words were in comment to me were “don’t sweat the small stuff.”

    My daughter called “our friend” after the other man left. I was tooo incessed with anger and hurt to speak to him. He said he told the bank NOT to send anyone out there until he talked to us. He was going to talk to us Monday. He has NEVER let us down like this before. Words cannot describe how, HURT; ANGRY; DISAPPOINTED; and BETRAYED I feel.

    This is a small town he had to KNOW there was a chance we’d find out about this before Monday. I feel like our friendship didn’t matter enough for him to make the effort to let us know before someone else did. I feel like his timing SUCKS. I feel like he doesn’t have the guts to face me face to face. He has had these houses for 10 year all but 5 months of that time WE’VE been the ones to ALWAYS pay our rent even when he had deadbeat family living in one of the houses and not paying. We took so much flack for him when he ran for his elected office.

    I feel so LET DOWN. I TRUSTED him they’re are very few people I say that about.

    I’m sorry this post is so angry.

  64.  #64Daria on June 6, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Today a guy told me i am intimidating.

    I am coming to grips with my intimidating side. That is im embracing it. I love my intimidating self.

    AAAh this feels weird and scary.


    Um so I guess Goddesses are intimidating. I said yeah there is something to you… liek when you said to me yesterday that you felt angry.. I felt intimidated… I had to check myself and realize wait i’m in my own element here…


    I said yes i have a very strong mind. he said yeah you can really overpower some men. I said yeah I overpower a lot of men. I don’t want to be that way in a man woman relationship though. I feel weird. Sometimes I feel insecure about that.

    He said yeah you’re intimidating. UGha… I’m mentally intimidating. I guess because i’m so “cool” and “smart” and pretty much I am very good with holding my composure and i don’t know. I don’t know exactly that much about this “intimidating” thing but I am just now relaly starting to explore it. I wanted to be more intimidating like my Ex but now that I have more boundaries I’m intimidating even him. I like a man that’s not initmidated by me…

    but then again.. am I being too hard…? Maybe goddesses are intimidating… well duh… or is that pushing him away? ufff…. feeling confused…

    I liked the guy I went out with 2 days ago, he wasn’t intimidated by me… that REALLY turns me on… help… are men “supposed” to be intimidated by us when they put us on a pedestal and worship us? or are can they do it and still be strong looking to me… and be Men.. mocho manly sexy men… I don’t like low self esteem men… like who seem to think I’m better than them… and I DO want my man to think I’m amazing … but not in a better than him way… definitely like way better than him because I’m a Goddess… but in like a spacial astral dimension super mythological way… not in an actual comparing way… Help I feel like I’m drowning and gettting lost in my words and I so want to heal this I feel rushed and desperate….

  65.  #65Daria on June 6, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    I’m really liking this guy who didn’t call me back after I didn’t have sex with him. I just saw him online a lil while ago. I feel bad. I feel tension in my neck and side of face and near my knee on the inside of my leg and in my right wrist and in my solar plexus and in my left shin… whoa… i feel lots of squeezing… i feel pouty lips… i feel anger maybe… i feel rage i feel embarassment… i feel joy at liking this guy and i feel weird with these feelings… i also feel thrilled at these feelings… hmm like if he was to call me after feeling this way i would feel soo into him… he seemed like a natural guy who was into himself but also made me feel very safe and taken care of with him… i felt so connected and good and he did too except when i didnt want to sleep with him at the end of the night i felt awkward… i feel ok about it all

    i just feel triggered feeling this desire for him right now… it feels tensiony and it feels like previous times i’ve liked a guy … it feels like how i feel when i have a “crush” it feels so tingly and hot in my upper lip and i just feel squeezing in my chest… i feel tight… in my chest… i feel weird… i feel uncomfortable… i feel squeezing in my bladder in the back of my neck my upper arms, i feel overwhelmed with squeezing and sighing… ufff… i feel defeated kinda and disappointed and bending head…


  66.  #66Daria on June 6, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    kuz sometimes when i find a guy that’s really awesome theyre just not that into me…

    and i remember this from this guy i really liked when i was 6 years old… i feel so squeezed hard under my skull and in my shoulder saying this… i feel tortured by these squeezes and i love my squeezes, my tortured feeling and this feeling that he’s not just into me… i love this feeling… i don’t understand how or why right now and i love this feeing anyway, i know it’s trying to teach me something and protect me and i love it… thank u… thank u… thank u… thank you defeated feeling… thank you feeling of frustration, feeling of bitterness feeling of rage thank uuuuuu… thank u desperate feeling… i love all my feelings… i feel glad i get to be triggered by guys that i think are awesome.

    I WANt to be ready for them…. I WANT to be triggered by them until I feel totally happy with it… yeeeeeees… I want this ok… ufff… this feels hard… like working out… i love my feelings… i feel sighing… i feel grateful so incredibly squeezingly-i-dont-believe-its-true-freakin-thrilled that i met a guy i like… even tho i feel like hes not that into me… just having a super nice day with him is enuf… not with Him neceassarily but the fact that i can have a super nice day with a man i find super attractive and never once i feel turned off by or can judge too negatively ohhh my god my eyes feel watery i feel so glad and i also urggh feel tense in my shoulder… cuz i feel weird and bad now…. sigh… i love All my feelings!!! love them…

  67.  #67Daria on June 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    im feeling desperate and weird… so im gonna keep posting… i find myself wanting to talk to one of my guy friends or really a certain guy i used to like to ask his Advice on how i feel like i have a crush on this one guy now… except when i did ask for his advice he wouldn’t give it to me (which made me think he liked me but actually i made an imaginary relationship)

    ANYWAYS — i feel like i have a huge crush on guy from 2 days ago… and i am sitting here feeling unbalanced and insecure and feeling tight squeezed in my upper back urrgghgh and feeling frustrated … RARGGGH

    I am remembering his shoes, the way he danced etc… ARGGH… i feel a squeeze low in my stomach thinking about him and a numbing squeeze on the side of my face down to my neck… aaaaaaaaargh… i feel squeezed in my leg…

    I love all my feelings… this is a huge trigger for me… it would feel so great to know that I could EASILY and OFTEN meet a guy I like a lot like I liked this one… yessssss… that would feel so EXCITING… it would feel like a party everyday… right now thinking about it feels like holding my breath and tightening in my solar plexus and jaw and yet soooo good … and i just breathed out i feel good SOOO EXCITED thinking about meeting a guy i LIKE THIS MUCH all the time omg im feeling that squeezy in my solar plexus feeling again and i feel a smile and more squeezing YAYYYYYYY omgosh it feels so exciting . I can’t believe that this is going to be happening to me I know it is because im ASKING for it to happen … yes yayyayayya… Im asking my Angels to meet a guy I like this much all the time so that I can feel comfortable and attractive around a guy I like this much and feel like I can easilly attract and keep a man like this forever… yay… and I know in the past I have felt unattractive and insecure and I now change all that and feel attractive secure and turned on And excited and thrilled and ALL the good stuff and i feel like there is an ABUDANCE of guys i like this much YAY… tHANK YOU WORLD

    my eyes feel teary… i feel moved…

    it’s raining men halleluja… its raining men I like this much or more!! yay halleluja… yes… woo hooo… and I am attractive to them… i feel attractive to them… yayyyyyy woooo hooo this feels fun to imagine … i feel a sigh

    that was exciting… now normally I would say see how much I like him and right now I am starting to realize that yes it was about him but mostly about ME… yah.. that felt like a lip quiver which felt very unusual

    I feel tense still in my shoulder. I just got up and went to the bathroom. I just feel so INTENSE. I’ve been smoking the past few days so right now I bet that is contributing to me feeling both tired and intense. I feel comfortable. I feel glad to work thru this trigger and type and type… yay i feel comforted… i feel sinking blissful like orgasmic thrills and sinking tooo… yay… i feel SO excited… just thinking about this guy… I want to use this excitement to make it good for ME! Yay… the way i did with guy having a baby last week.

    Yes i can… I am choosing to feel this excitement and feel Thrilled for Myself and all the good things to coem this means for me.

  68.  #68alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:02 am

    ann. i just read your post. i feel very riled up and overexcited. i feel like vomtting.

    i think there is (by law) a way to extend insurance thrre more months or something after is runs out. i forget the name for it. it might be slightly more expensive than you were paying through the comoany but it would be better than not having it. also how can they just end insurance if someone is on medical leave??

    also wouldn’t disablity be better than nothing? i feel confused. i felt weird when iread what you wrote bc it sounded to me like you weren’t going to bother with the disability.

    in my work with emily she has me focussing on redos and resourcing myself to get to a good place. because if i focus on negative i will attract more. i feel AWFUL writing that. i do not want to negate your feelings in this moment or what you are going through.

    also maybe if the banks are coming maybe the houses are being foreclosed on rather than sold by the owner and he is just too embarrassed to say?


    i feel busybodyish. already. one hour after i’m back. i feel justified in my busybodyness. i feel conflicted.

  69.  #69Ann on June 7, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Alias Girl he applied for social security disability but we haven’t heard anything. However, the lady that took the claim told us he’d have to be expected to be off work for 1 year or to not recover from his illness to get the disability.

    The long term disability I was talking about in the post above is something his work place carries. We will apply for it when he can but can’t apply until the end of July. His workplace carried the insurance that runs out in early July.

    I guess the bank could be foreclosing but that’s not the point. The point is we were all close enough he should of came talk to us that day. Instead he said he was planning on coming monday. My trust level has took a big wallop.

    I don’t feel like you’re being a busibody. I appreciate your words very much.

  70.  #70Tracy on June 7, 2009 at 12:19 am

    What you posted was beautiful…I feel inspired by your self love and love for self…..It would feel so good for me to think of myself that way.For me to feel that way….
    Thank you for posting that….I would really like to love myself so hard that it does not matter what guya think or perceive me to be….my validation of my worth should come from me…..
    I say this because previously i always looked for self validation from the external world…from men from my family…my friends…my goal was to make everyone happy so that they would validate my actions and make me feel loved…So, when they turned theiir back on me or critisized me i felt attacked,i felt victimized,i felt worthless…..If they thought i was bad,then i was bad….If the men were not attracted to me then i was unattractive…..It feels inspiring to switch my thoughts instead and know that i am attractive and i mean something irrespective of wether the world approves/validates it or not….

    Sending big hugs to you and i am happy to hear your hubby is doing well….I feel bad that you are going through a difficult situation with the house…I can understand the anger and the pain…
    I have often felt scared and angry when faced with a difficult situation but i am realizing that the anger and the pain stems from the beliefs i have in my head…When i question these beliefs and fears and the frustrations that i face…i am slowly coming to see that when i analyse situations in a different way they don’t seem so frightening and more still the fear based on my past experiences and disappointments is what causes my anxiety and anger not the present situation at hand…Its an amaizing experience that is helping me cope with difficult situations.

  71.  #71alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:28 am

    i feel empathetic. it feels hardfor me to recover when someone betrays my trust and it sounds like you feel betrayed in a huge way. i feel at a loss how to comfort you.

    i know when my insurance ended they had to offer me an option to extend it for three more months in order to give me time to get new insurance in place. i could be totally wrong but i thought tthat was a law. would tthree .onths be enough to get hubby through this crisis or is it expected to be long term?

    emily has me imagine what i would like to happen sometimes. i know it sounds airy fairy but just like darias recent posts of imagining the heaven’s are raining men who she finds super attractive and how she then got happy because she knew is would happen for her. imagine what i would like and you can kind of FEEL when it clicks in. and if i ride those feelings longer than than ride the spiral down feelings i feel better and my life tends to get better (magically)

    i feel loving.

  72.  #72Ann on June 7, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Tracy thank you. I feel the largest part of my anger at my friend is because of his (to me) total disrespect. We should of heard it from him. By the grace of our highter power we’ll get through the living arrangement situation. Whether this friendship will survive is another thing.

    Alias Girl I’m sorry I forget you might not know the situation. My hubby was operated on May 12 to remove a benign tumor. To make a long story short the tumor was too dangerous to remove. The dr will try removing it only as a last resort. It’s also a rare tumor there are only 3-4 people with a tumor like this. So the dr has to consult other dr’s and try to figure out a treatment for it.

    I feel a little better talking to you ladies. Thank you.

  73.  #73alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:49 am

    i feel comforted that you feel better talking about it here. i feel uncertain what to say as i can not see the big picture in life. only that i feel grateful there is a space for you here to share your feelings as you move through this. i feel anxiousness and how scary your situation would feel if it were me experiencing it. so i wish you peace and comfort and strength and love and support. and openness to accpet support when it shows up. (i feel challenged to accept support sometimes. often.)

  74.  #74Ann on June 7, 2009 at 12:57 am

    Thank you Alias Girl. My temple feels better just in the time we’ve been talking about it here. I feel for the most part I’ve done good accepting help and support when it’s offered. I will admit it’s not easy to feel so dependant on others.

  75.  #75Tracy on June 7, 2009 at 2:55 am

    I feel glad that you identify the root cause of your anger and i feel sad that your friend did not come through….
    I am hopeful that things will go well and everything will work out…I feel glad that you have faith in yourself and of the future….
    Sending you lots of hugs,

  76.  #76Linnie formerly Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 6:36 am

    I am going to change my name to Linnie from here on out
    Ann, I feel so sorry for your predicament. I wish I had the words to soothe you. I like the way Alias Girl offers an image conjured up of your ideal life.
    And I feel badly for not responding to so many posts that have touched me or even triggered me,
    part of it is probably out of selfishness, being so involved in my own drama. part of it is because I am not on that much, although sometimes I read without resondonding.
    Most of it is because I feel I may be intruding into someone’s intimacies uninvited and I do not want to comment incorrectly or unwantingly.
    I feel sorry that Ann and others have felt unheard. It feels rotten for me, too, sometimes, whether on the blog or just in my life.

  77.  #77Linda on June 7, 2009 at 8:55 am


    Hi, good morning. It is very possible for anyone to get to the place where you feel good about yourself no matter what. If I can anybody can.

    I found this blog last summer. I was desperate to try to get a man whom I loved with all my heart back. He did not come back but what I got was much better. I have become a better healthier person. My validation always came from others. Family, friends, bosses… but never from me. When I met the man that I fell in love with he validated everything in me that had never been. I was so happy, fullfilled, at peace inside. Thought I had come to the end of my quest… but when that all came to the end that it did I was left worse. So even if we get good validation from others it can be a bad thing. We gotta like and believe and like ourselves first!… I never got the statement. “You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else.” But it is so TRUE!

    Today it is different. I have written my journey in other postings here. There is a combination of different things that have brought me to his better place. Renewed faith in God and prayer, practical help from this blog, other reading, writing and journaling, updating my negative thought life and therefore renewing my mind, and not being so closed and private to maintain my aire of having my life all together. I came to the end of my pretense and looked at my life and its successes and failures embraced them all.

    Rori is was right when she said every man you meet has a message. When I meet them I cant wait to hear what it is!… One man said… I have become very selective and picky about whom I spend my time with because life is short and time is valuable.! Another said, Rejection has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the person that is doing the rejecting. Another said that we can rush things in our lives or fast forward it because we will miss an important part of becoming stronger. Another said that I needed to be more confident and asked me hard questions that made me think… it has all been good! Gold nuggets from each.

    This last guy, he was not a failure not a success. He was another learning experience for me. He challanged my new attitude about myself and I came through un mared and in my estimation with flying colors. I am proud of how I responded to him. He did trigger things in me I needed to deal with and understand in me better.

    He is not ready for a relationship at all. He is emotionally, financially , spiritually a mess. He doesn’t even like himself, sees himself as a failure etc etc etc..
    It actually felt good to tell him that I loved him as I walked away. Not because I was trying to manipulate him but because I was being true to myself. Hence I had that wiggle in my walk…

    Dont down yourself, lift yourself up… no one else knows how to do it better than you.

    Hugs Linda

  78.  #78Amanda on June 7, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Wow, Linda, I love what you wrote last. It was so very inspiring! The golden nuggets you learned from those men, and shared with us definitely give us all things to keep in mind, and cherish as well. It is so true that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Also, I commend you for telling him you loved him as you walked away … I’m sure that will be an image etched in his mind for many years to come.

    Thank you so much for sharing all of those thoughts with us.

  79.  #79Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 9:55 am

    From the Other Linda:
    I have been trying to look at the lessons as well. It’s so much more intriguing and adventurous to date this way. Takes the pressure off.
    Last night I went out again with a guy who last time could not stop talking about himself.
    I realized this time, that he is just the guy I always used to date and fall for. But now, I finally feel it is not enough for me. I need something else. something deeper, someone with whom I can be my feminine girlie self with, not just an intellectual sparring partner.

  80.  #80Daria on June 7, 2009 at 10:51 am

    I’m feeling triggered because I went into footlocker to ask for an extra bag for the shoes I bought yesterday and they wouldn’t give me a bag “unless I bought them today”… she even said she was gonna talk to the manager, but then just shook her head no from the door.

    I felt so tense and triggered that I got cold and tingly and heavy. I shrugged my shoulders and left. I feel angry.

    I now see I could have asked to speak to the manager myself…

    I also could have cussed her out… hehe… I think this is what my Godsis would have done … I am far from being able to do that right now…

    So i don’t know. I’m feeling triggered and it felt weird. I think I probably feel better than I would have in the past.

  81.  #81Daria on June 7, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I guess I feel shocked and kinda lost when I feel treated unfairly. I lose my words and struggle to “look cool” while my chest feels tight. The only recourse I seem to have in this situation is to actualy Hit the person because words seem to fail me. And since I don’t want to fight in public I generally don’t. I feel like I go cold, not even hot and yelling like some people.

    I feel guilty bad ashamed about this. I love all my feelings. Thank you for noticing. Thank you feelings.

  82.  #82Daria on June 7, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I feel weird and SAD. This is such a huge trigger for me… especially with women because I am not so used to working with them using the tools. I feel like back in middle school.

    I want to go back and tell that girl Bitch you are going to give me that bag right now! And then I don’t know what she would say… she might say Bitch something back, or not… i don’t know. I know I feel like if she was to fight me I would kick her ass.

    I know I sound kinda non-sensical (out of proportion) right now. I feel very triggered. This seems to be more than just about this girl.

    I feel very angry.

  83.  #83Daria on June 7, 2009 at 11:07 am

    I so admire people like my Godsis and my ex because it seems they don’t take crap from anyone, even at the expense of looking bad.

    I don’t want to look bad, I DO want to feel comfortable NOT taking crap and not even worrying about looking bad.

    I hate that I shut down and don’t stand up for myself in these situations. I love me. I feel so defective, weak and loserish.


    I feel so ANGRY… I love my anger. I love my fear of “making a scene.” I love my embarassment when other people make a scene. I love my feeling of feeling thrilled and excited and cool when a scene is being made. I love my feeling of not being good enough. I love me. I am so interesting. I want to kick someones ass right now to prove to myself and others that you don’t mess with me. ha. I feel glad I’m actually adressing this here.


    I feel mad. I feel chilled. i feel a sigh. I feel so ASHAMED AND DISAPPOINTED. Not standing up for myself goes against everythign I stand for. I feel like a shame and a failure. I feel like kicking my own ass. That’s ok because I know I could at least defend myself lol. I feel amused imagining two me’s trying to fight each other.

  84.  #84Daria on June 7, 2009 at 11:09 am

    I feel so angry I feel like crying. My mom would not have let this happen I bet. AAAgh i feel like i suck. I love feeling like I suck! I love it even tho I hate it and I don’t understand it. Even though it feels awful I love my awful feelings.

  85.  #85Dorothea on June 7, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Oooh Linda G, I love what you say about “not just an intellectual sparring partner.” I am going to steal this and use it! When a lot of men ask me out, it is usually in a setting where I am in intellectual and powerful mode. So when we start talking on the phone or go on our first date, I mention a few times in different ways that I’m “just a girl” and love feeling that way. Some of the ways to do this are mentioning girly things you love in your hobby conversation, talking about dating pet peeves, or dating expectations. These conversations can come up any number of ways but I will use examples from my last first date which was Tuesday:

    During the date we’re walking on the sidewalk, and he puts me on the inside. I smiled and said thank you. He said he didn’t want to be a chauvinist (I hear this SO MUCH from men!) and I said I LOVE feeling like just a girl and I have a challenging degree so obviously I’m not looking to be barefoot in the kitchen all day long. So we got into the conversation more about what feels good to me. I told him I love it when guys open the door and stuff like that. He asked if therefore he could never expect me to pay dutch, and I faltered, and started to say well…I dunno…I feel weird paying dutch too much so ALEUIWOQEUIWEUasa (at this point he senses my faltering and says that it’s OK if I’m one of those girls) and I say that money is no joke, especially at our age or really for anyone right now in America, and money is not required for fun, but don’t want to feel like I’m paying to be courted. I also said that I feel uncomfortable when men spend money they cannot spare to court me and I feel turned off by a man who thinks money is the key to my affections. He said he was paring down his lifestyle and looking to keep as much of his money as possible in the bank and warned me if we go to the steak house it’s going to be dutch:P I said walking around the river felt awesome (that’s what we were doing) and was a good date idea, and so is going to get a cup of coffee or an ice cream cone or going to the bookstore. I talked about this all in a way that was like “I am inspired by this conversation and thinking about all the cheap ways I love to have fun that feel good to me, with or without you”.

    Then we went on to the hobbies conversation, and I mention my hobbies which are a lot of “masculine” type stuff and I throw in a few girly things. So I said I like to go to death metal concerts, play instruments, study some ‘nerdy’ things, go to the nail salon, etc. By the end of the date we had mostly discussed intellectual things and had sparred heavily…so heavily that I felt defeated in a way, but I love that I got to practice establishing that I am a princess in a non stuck up way.

    If you’re wondering how it worked out for me, he walked me to my appointment following my date and said it was fun and we should do it again. I agreed but I felt unsure about if he was terrified of all these brave things I decided to try saying about being just a girl and how I want a man to take the lead. He called me Thursday to do something and I was busy so I texted him back I was free on Sunday. He called me just now while I was typing to all of you to ask me out again. I got my period and don’t want to go out because I want to rest during this time. I feel bad (for not being available) and I’m sorry. He said I shouldn’t apologize because on Thursday I was free for Sunday, and some time has passed so of course it’s understandable that I might be unavailable and he should call me earlier in the week next time. He is picking up on the standards of princess etiquette. I love it. All you ladies (Rori included) have helped me transform myself into something totally different than what men are used to. And I feel so authentic. I feel like I get what I want. And if I’m not getting what I want I am taking the opportunity to practice some of the trickier conversations in life.

    One more thing I want to add about this date is that I leaned back physically from the beginning. When I caught myself leading (we were walking around town) I would even take a step back and smile and be like hahah, oops..and defer to him. It sounds awkward but it wasn’t. Trying to lean back physically sent the message from the beginning that he Tarzan, me Jane.

  86.  #86Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 1:28 pm


  87.  #87Dorothea on June 7, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    yuck i feel turned off too by him

  88.  #88alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    linda/linnie i feel opened when i read how you had looked to the outside to validate you. me too to the nth degree. and i sooooo wanted a man to be the proving factor that i was loveable and deserving. now i treat myself like i am a goddess (baby steps bc not always) and i FEEL like a goddess. i feel like i am a once-in-a-lifetime. i feel embarrassed for writing that but that’s how i FEEL.

    linda g i feel ewwwwwwwwwwwww. i feel disgusted. ew. ew. ew. i feel like i want to use daria’s shakem off tool. here dude take your energy Back. and i will take mine elsewhere. thanks for the half a salad.

    tracy i feel interested in your process. and dorothea and everyone’s sharing feels so helpful. i feel embarrassed. i am who i am. i feel judged. is me judging me. i love my judging critical nature that tells me not to buy nice gifts for people bc it will make both parties uncomfortable. i love my nasty voice that tells me not to write what i want to write or be who i am. i love all my selfprotective defenses that inspires me to feel disgusted by people. i feel amused. i feel really amused at my disgust. i feel giggly.

  89.  #89alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    oh damn. i just went to to other posts to see if anyone had posted anything new to read and i realized linda g is the onechanging her name to linnie, not linda. i confused the two again. argh. i feel dumb. i feel self absorbed. i feel guilty. i feel embarrassed. argh. i feel heat rising to my face and almost tears. i feel a sad face. i feel excitied to know that someday soon my perfectionism will be healed. ahhhhhh i feel a deep breath. i feel like standing in the sun and letting it soak in.

  90.  #90Robin on June 7, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Oh Linda G,

    That feels so yucky, yeah I feel turned off by that

    BTW I felt so inspired and wowed by your words ‘only if she’s your mother..’ omg THAT ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    It feels so good to read that you spoke to him that way. Eww, seems like a feminine energy kinda guy..ew yuck

    I have been wondering lately if this is a generational thing?? It seems like lots of guys are this way. Lol, perfect timing…It feels like Ive told the guys in my rotation it doesn’t feel good to pursue. Am I missing something here? My mom goes don’t play games, like saying you don’t wanna pursue, I told her, ‘I tell the truth, it doesn’t feel good to pursue.’

    Lol, Im like why are all these men turning into girls….sigh….

  91.  #91Linnie aka Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    the funny thing is, this guy is older, say 60. I’m 54. But he has the same attitude about a woman looking after a man as my dad, I guess. I realize now that the man I was involved with in the past was a feminine energy man, even though he was outwardly very masculine. I take that back, I think I automatically went into overfunctioning forward leaning role.
    when I asked my dad advice about another matter, I followed his advice even though it felt very un Diva-ish. Guess what, he was wrong. Had I followed my inner Diva, I would have made the right ecision.
    The great thing is, I am finally able to detach myself from these outcomes, treat each man I date as a messenger, and rely on myself instead of others for advice.

  92.  #92Cat on June 7, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I am wondering has anyone here ever dealt with the problem of feeling not that listened to by your man? I have dated people where I didn’t feel this way, but right now I am dating someone who is very giving but I feel like he most connects to me when he’s telling me about himself. The problem is we used to date and now we are “just friends” (I know big no no.) But he calls and texts me and asks me to hang out all the time. This has been going on for awhile. He probably most likely qualifies as a toxic man but wehen we hang out he is very sweet. Anyways, I thought I would try some of Rori’s steps on him and see if this has any effect on bringing him closer. And if not, then move on. I am getting a little confused when I read some of Rori’s advice about not talking as much, being silent, allowing space. I feel weird about this because I feel anxious when I feel like I’m not existing in the realtionship that much because I don’t feel that listened to. So I end up feeling confused about what to do. Should I try to be even more silent? This feels weird. And should I try to get that need to feel heard through my other relationships? Or should I circular date until I come across someone where I don’t experience this? Or are there ways I can assert myself but not be leaning forward? Struggling to figure out how to lean back yet still feel like I exist. I begin to feel angry when I am too silent (as it is I am not crazy talkative…only normally so.) Open to any advice, thoughts, suggestions. Thanks!

  93.  #93Robin on June 7, 2009 at 8:30 pm


    Wow, I loved the examples.

    Im having problems with this very thing, I’ve been feeling like they expect me to step up the way they do. Ive been practicing speaking in feeling messages, and its getting easier to say these things quickly, but do you have any suggestions? For example, a lot of these guys ask me out as kind of a spur of the moment thing, or ask me out at 5pm for that evening, or ask me out, but then wait until the last minute to firm it up.

    I’ve been doing other things in my calendar and telling them, sorry Im booked, etc..but what have you said when this has come up? Would love to hear what you have to say…

  94.  #94Robin on June 7, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Im feeling triggered…I was talking to the guy who lives far away…he asked me about music, we started talking,, askeed me if Im doing any work in the future..I told him my voice coach is helping me plan a concert that will be a fundraiser to help raise $ to pay off the last bit of $ I owe my college, so they will release my degree..I didn’t think anything of it, he asked, didn’t feel weird…

    But I mentioned XYZ amount I owe(its not a lot), and he goes, ‘you don’t have XYZ that you could pay them?’ And OMG I felt so bad, I said ‘No’ Then he started asking all kinds of questions, like ‘You go to college from 18-22, how come you finished when you were 26? what did you doothose other years? Im just trying to figure out why it took you so long..’

    I FELT SO BAD-I felt embarrassed, and diminished, and SAD-I told him ‘I feel weird talking about this, I feel sad now…’ He apologized and said he just wanted to know, that he was curious, that he didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but that he just wanted to know…

    I told him that I’ve done brilliantly, given my life, and that I don’t regret whats happened in my life (things that happened that made it hard to go to school), and he said ‘well you haven’t told me about what happened to you as a teenager, tell me’ So I told him….

    But I have had 2 convos with him now where he’s said something that triggered me, and I felt bad both times and was completely speechless and didn’t know what to say, Id like to know what to say, but maybe ‘I feel speechless, I don’t know what to say…??IVE GOT TO HEAL THIS PART-being able to speak the truth even when Im stunned/speechless-HELP!!!!!!!!

    My mom & I were talking today and she mentioned that my godsister’s husband when they got engaged said he wasn’t gonna marry a woman w/ bad credit, or debt, or a bad payment history. She said that she used to look down on men who did that, but that now she understands b/c its IMPORTANT-

    This message is hitting me from all directions-Im fresh outta college, loan repayments looming soon, and I FEEL TERRIFIED-Theres a voice saying I will NEVER get married, b/c Im not ready financially-

    And yet my boss told me once recently, that finances, credit scores, etc are a BOGUS reason to not get married/commit and that it just doesn’t MATTER

    And I wanna believe that, but it feels somewhat important to me…

    Ok, I feel teary-eyed and saddened now…..sigh…

  95.  #95alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    cat i specifically remember rori once used an example. something like I feel good to hang out with you and share stories but am feeling a little bit like a listening post here.

    i don’t remember exactly the whole thing. maybe I don’t want to just be in the listening seat all the time? ? that wasn’t rori’s that was mine. rori’s was really good though. but you can play with it and figure something out?

    i used to have that come up for me A LOT. i felt used and disgusted and drained and self loathing after spending time with anybody like that. blech. it feels toxic to me. some people are capable of change and often some of the overtalkers are not. if it’s true hard core narcissism it will take alot of desire on the part of the overtalker to really stretch and learn how to care or BE INTERESTED in someone else in an authentic way. in my opinion. i feel like people like that are vampires. i feel avoidant of them.

  96.  #96Erika on June 7, 2009 at 9:53 pm


    I’m super intrigued by your guilt about not having sex. Partly because … I am the master of what the guys call “LMR” (last minute resistance). This means I will basically do most things up to sex with a guy I really like, but not have intercourse.

    They ALL want to see me again. Not one single guy in recent memory has written me off because I wouldn’t have sex with him. As long as they can feel that I’m into them, they see it as a challenge, an adventure. I also am honest about the fact that I don’t want to get attached because I value the relationship with them so much, which is true.

    It’s the guilt that is the problem. EFT is really good for ridding ourselves of guilt and reframing these sorts of things.

    You are a goddess. You are worth waiting for ๐Ÿ˜‰

    – Erika

  97.  #97Erika on June 7, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Text message received today from guy I spent a wonderful night with but did not have intercourse with:

    “What an exciting and erotic night… Wish you were still here wearing nothing but your sexy smile… ;-)”

  98.  #98Tracy on June 8, 2009 at 3:33 am

    I love what you said about seeking validation from men.
    There is this one guy i was really attracted too and by reading your post it finally hit me….The reason why i still feel so attached to him is because i am scared if i let go then i will not receive the kindness/little affection he gives and i will not feel validated for the love/affection i give him….And as you so well put it…
    I feel now that i am ready to let go of this relationship,and move on…and i see why….I understand why and i feel glad that i have learnt such a huge great lesson and each time i feel pinned down by my nasty voices i can go back and remember why i decided to leave.
    I feel that for such a long time i have expected this big love/affection to come out from this guy and all the other guys in my past and waited for it for such a long time…..I was still attached to this current one because he still displays affection and caring but deep down i know i want more i need more and i do not need his approval or compensate with what he cannot provide….
    I feel that i am enough and i will only settle for that man to whom i feel safe to share and express myself authentically….Thanks Linda for helping me see that..

    I have often felt ashamed of my feelings and disappointments and wanted to separate myself from my very own experiences…..I guess its a form of denial…
    I feel that i am falling more and more in love with myself and the more this happens the more others fall in love with me(connect in normal terms)
    I feel that this is true as i have been circular dating and the more i feel in touch with my feelings the more the guyz feel compelled to discover more about me…Its an amazing experience….
    I have moved from 0 dates in years to 3 dates a week and a phone that rings all the times with all kinds of guyz wanting to meet up….I feel like a different person…
    I haven’t met anyone i feel really deeply connected/attracted to yet…and often times i feel scared that maybe i am wasting my time but I feel more challenged to get to know all these men and identify what message each one of them has for me…and learn from it…..
    Its actually becoming fun….thanks Rori…

  99.  #99Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 4:16 am

    I agree with your boss. I feel when a guy sizes me up like rthat, he isn’t looking for love, it’s like he’s shopping for a car or something.
    When a guy asks something about my past which feels judgemental, I say, I don’t feel sorry for anything I’ve done. Everything in my past has made me what I am today and I feel good about me. Which is true.

    You can also say, I feel like I’m being judged.
    Tracy, you are not wasting your time. Think of it as you are in training.

  100.  #100Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 4:28 am

    I totally agree with Alias Girl’s vampire syndrome. It’s exactly that to be a listening post. I have friends like that too who I am tiring of, it’s like they are sucking the life out of me and at the same time poisoning my field.

    I even told one friend that I have boundaries and don’t feel comfortable being so involved in her stuff.

  101.  #101Daria on June 8, 2009 at 6:36 am

    Erika thanks. Yes the guilt is a trigger thingy that is clearly some trauma that I am healing.

    Well it turns out that guy tried to call me, it’s just that I had written down the wrong number.

    So yesterday he told me he kind of had a girlfriend, but they’re not exactly together right now but still close. I felt triggered but after awhile I said I felt bad hearing that you have a girl… he said why… i said cuz i like you silly… he said i like you too…
    ok not ideal there I jsut felt REALLY glad to say that I felt uncomfortable because it was robbing me of energy

    Then later I did feel like having sex and wound up having it with him. The sex was ok… and that’s the problem! Sex has been feeling just ok… I am on a sexploration mission for myself and I have been doing some daring stuff (for me) like having sex with new men… but it just feels so… I dono… kinda boring.

    I kinda feel like my heart is closed off… and not only that it’s like I am not physically feeling as good as I expect.

    I remember first starting this sexploration in april with my ex (the one I was sharing here that I experimented with) and that sex felt GREAT and even though I didn’t feel too heart involved.

    Then after him I had sex with a new guy (didn’t feel satisfying) with another ex (again not very satisfying) and now this guy. So since I now feel kind of powerful and focusing on me in these situations… I feel BORED! I guess my not thinking about being attached or relationship might be actualy Hurting my sex life. And not only that, but it seems that leaning back in sex is so blah…

    I hope this is not going to be my future experience. I feel so worried. I can tell he felt it too or I am guessing… because he kept telling me that he would have been better if… etc…

    So here I am making these (semi) wild experiments which I thought would make sex super exciting as i can imagine it would’ve been in the past… but instead im like yawn sex. Oh no! I don’t know whatsup with this and I feel bad.

    I’m not used to having boring sex… i think even if it were boring before I would build an imaginary relationshp to sustain my interest… and now that I’ve dropped this sex is just boring… which SUCKS…! Help!

  102.  #102Daria on June 8, 2009 at 6:49 am

    I feel sad while also feeling kinda good. Hmm. I feel confused…

    I would like my sex experiments to feel great and satisfying. Thank you angels. I feel open to healing.

  103.  #103DocK on June 8, 2009 at 7:02 am

    Alias Girl and Linmayu – welcome back : ) : ) : ) : )

  104.  #104Erika on June 8, 2009 at 7:15 am


    Thanks for sharing that. That feels super honest, being bored during sex. It does seem like you may be disconnecting emotionally … ?

    This is part of why I don’t usually have sex with men. What you are describing I call “aluminum” sex because it feels cold and hollow and empty.

    One thing I noticed with my guy this weekend is that when I was fully surrendered (being receptive, passive but responsive), first of all it felt amazing, and second he was really into it. He was enjoying my responsiveness cuz he could tell that I was fully present. I didn’t feel the need to “do” anything except surrender to him.

    I also noticed that when I was surrendered, the sensations in my body were super intense, and that when I started to feel scared my body went a little numb. So that was interesting to notice.

    I didn’t have sex with him, though it was tempting, because I am still getting to know him and didn’t trust that I’d feel good about it afterwards yet. I would rather wait until the commitment is already established so that I can feel surrendered during the sex too.

    He did express wanting to commit to me. I’ve been noticing that lots of guys have been doing that lately. He said I am a “hot commodity.” That felt great ๐Ÿ™‚


  105.  #105Daria on June 8, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Erika… thanks for commenting. This feels very important for me.

    Fortunately my sex doesn’t quite feel aluminum, although i can imagine and feel revolted imagining that. It feels more like… umm… a massage.

    I feel troubled. I think it may have to do with hormones and at what time of the month I am… I just feel disapppointed and to me it seems he did too… although I don’t feel overly bothered by how he felt. Now I don’t feel as attracted or needy towards him, in fact even though he will be at work at this airport and I might still be here I don’t know if I will really want to go downstairs and see him… while yesterday I was feeling thrilled at every thought of him (and the shoes he wore the day we went out). Maybe my hormones are playing jokes on me getting me really turned on and then not delivering on the sex.

    I would like to feel like I can have great feelings sex with anyman.

    Thank you angels again.

    And I would like to rest and get home quickly.

    It is my birthday.

  106.  #106Erika on June 8, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Happy Birthday, Daria! ๐Ÿ™‚

  107.  #107Robin on June 8, 2009 at 10:16 am


  108.  #108Daria on June 8, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Hi you guys. Thanks. I have just slept a lil bit in the airport only and now I woke up terrified kind of. I feel terrified either of not making my flight or just feeling weird about having had sex. I feel weird and not too good right now. The guy I was with is downstairs working but I don’t want to go visit him because I feel like thats too much leaning foward right now… although it would feel fun to see him i just don’t want to drag my luggage downstairs now. And I feel weird thinking I was with a guy that I might not see again. This feels weird and I feel weird. (I also just got my period which is probably contributing to the weirdness).

  109.  #109Daria on June 8, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Omg i guess it’s important to be careful with sex because I am so feeling awful right now. It could be the waiting all day and the not sleeping all nite too. But I am just feeling like seeing that guy and he’s right downstairs but I do Not reallly want to go back down trhu security and I’m feeling lonely and weird in the airport. I feel weird right now thinking about sex with other guys because I’m like whats the point sex with them is going to suck too… because I really liked this guy so if I didn’t like it with him then what are the chances I will in the future… I feel so triggered and exhausted… it is my bday and I dono if I will be able to do anythign but sleep when i get home… other guys are going to want to see me and probably have sex and I don’t want to right now… oh yeah that’s right im on my period too… i just feel gross and overwhelmed and very LITTLE right now. I feel sooo sad… I guess sex can bring up a lot of emotions… maybe my hormones want to bond and since I’m not in the same space as this guy I’m feeling bbad… I don’t know I just hope I’m on this next flight a]s this is the one I actually had tickets to even though my boarding pass seems to look like i need to check in first….

    I’m feeling so blah… gosh… i feel GROSSS…. jut gross…. oh gosh… I am really brave for allowing myself to experience this that is for sure… i know I will be feeling better soon so that is good… I want to have sex agian (hormones?) I want to have Good sex and I feel sad …

    angels please help me feel better. Thank you.

  110.  #110Daria on June 8, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    I feel like I want to be held, and I’m doing my best right now trying to hold myself together and I don’t know if part of doing nothing is not just letting myself fall apart. I can tell this is related to me getting my period for some reason. I’m feeling very intense and out of control.

  111.  #111Daria on June 8, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I feel like I’m denying my body the pleasure of seeing him again by not going downstairs to see him. Maybe my body would feel calm. I ask help from the angels to feel calm and good… and strong as I experience all my feelings right now.

    I do not want to deny my body and also I do not want to lean forward. Body you are ok and I love you. I hold you right now and you are always desired and loved and I am proud of you for being so brave and clear with what you want. Thank you. Thank you for wanting sex and thank you for feeling this awful feeling right now… I love my awful feeling and I feel happy you can feel it so calmly… I know this will make us stronger. I feel happy thinking that if we have sex now it will feel like Good sex yay. I also feel happy thinking we will get to rest soon… and that we can celebrate our birthday the whole week. I feel sad that I’m not with my friends celebrating in the sunshine right now and I love my sadness. I feel interested in this interesting birthday I made for myself. Thank you for this experience. I feel sighing and that feels relaxing. I feel scared in my chest and worried that I still have to check in and what if my ticket is canceled or something. MMM I feel weird and I am thinking about the sex we had and it feels interesting and concerning too. Thank you body. I give you permission to feel really good and I love your scared negative feelings too. I know you feel like being touched held right now and I am going to give you a hug right in this airport.

    yeah you feel like puking and that is ok. It felt good to give you a hug. I feel tense in my neck and yeah i feel puky and sobby and I love that… I love my puky sobby feeling. I do not want to really sob right now and I thank my body for feeling this intensity again. I love my intensity. I love my deep sadness that I chose a lover that I am now leaving behind, probably forever. That feels ABSOLUTELY TRIGGERING for me… you know how I feel about the “lost love” thingy. mannnn……… I feel throbbing in my chest and I LOVE the throbbing in my chest. I feel desire to yell punch and I love my desire

  112.  #112Linda on June 8, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Wow Daria, how in the heck did you get so in tune with your body and feelings. Sometimes I get woosie trying to follow you. It is inspiring actually. I think I feel the same ways lots but I just have never written about it.

    Tracy.. I am so glad I could inspire more thought and it has helped you realize some feelings you had.

    Speaking of unearthing anger…. I woke up angry this morning at 3 AM. It really has not gone away today at all. It is just below the surface. I have no patience today. I drove my car angry.. sheesh. I am irritated at my anger and it feels unproductive. I am mad at all the things this last guy said and renigged on. That I believed him. I am even mad that I still want him to call me. How sick is it but I am being truthful. Yeah I walked away, with my head held high and I am proud of me.. but I did not want it to turn out that way. I want to be the soft femine girl I am and be held. I want that soft place to land and be desired and important to someone. I feel sad that I dont have anyone that wants to give me that.

    I am afraid that all the 50 year old guys have been so abused by mean spirited unauthentic insecure women that a woman like me doesnt stand a chance to be seen or loved for who I am really. It is like they all have barb wire around their emotions and hearts but their flys are open if you get my drift. Ugh….


  113.  #113Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Linda from Linda G/Linnie
    I think men over 50 may havre been married to women who looked after them. We are similar ages, you and I. I have found some men who can really row the boat, and some who can’t.
    As far as your still wanting him, that speaks to all of us who want what we can’t have, and to those of us who blame ourselves when things don’t go right and we want a do over. Forget it. He’ll be back. And you’ll be different. Then see his true colors.

  114.  #114Rori Raye on June 8, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Daria, I love you – and I feel like that all the time! Not speaking up when you “should” have. I just watched the French Open -did you see that man jump from the stands and accost Roger Federer? I’ll put up a post about this…Love, Rori

  115.  #115Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Ann, I feel so terrible about your situation. There are so many nitty-gritty things about keeping the basic living arrangements going, despite your faith that you’ll get through, that this incident with your ‘friend’ must indeed feel like insult to injury. It feel so devastating to hear than when you’re the ‘friend in need’, the other ‘friend’ is not one in deed, nor moral support nor anything else you could normally count on him for.

    I feel so upset and frustrated to hear about the insureds’ ‘non-coverage’, people not covered at all, or others thrown into bankruptcy by one serious health problem over there. I feel so appreciative that that practically can’t happen where I live, and everyone has access to a very high standard of care. The long-term financing may still pose some challenges, but even so, all the latest reports show the overall cost to Americans for uneven or lower quality is far higher than with the system we have here. With all the greater resources and organizational know-how available in the US, I hope they’ll finally get a new system that benefits everyone soon, though I doubt it would be soon enough to help you right now.

    I so admire your strength and feminine-fighting spirit, your compassion and insight, and pray those angels get to work on your case real quick, supporting you as they go. Hugs.

  116.  #116Erika on June 8, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    hi Daria,

    Wow that all sounds very intense. Lots of swirling about emotions.

    I’ve been getting a lot of relief lately by using EFT on my inner conflicts. “Even though part of me wants to hold on to him and part of me wants to detach completely, and I don’t know what to do, I love and accept myself completely …” After superficial anger and then a lot of crying, I feel very calm and surrendered.

    What is it about intercourse? I can do absolutely everything else and not get attached …

  117.  #117Linmayu on June 8, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Erika, I feel that sexual intercourse is just an incredibly powerful thing. And most people don’t know just HOW powerful it is–or don’t want to know. It is an act that creates new life, an act that can be raised to one of the holiest human experiences, or turned to one of the most degrading, awful human experiences.

    The media’s propaganda about sex is a lie. And I’m not trying to get down on any of the Goddesses here who are experimenting with sex–far from it! I feel thrilled to read about Daria and Alias Girl reveling in complete sexual freedom.

    Even when experimenting, though, I feel sex is incredibly powerful, and can have unintended effects. It’s not to be fucked with (pun intended).

  118.  #118Daria on June 8, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Here’s my update from the plane (I wrote it then and I’m home now… btw most was written for myself so I feel weird about the TMI and that’s ok we are all women and this is my floating journal so here goes):

    Umm… so i felt stronger and felt weird not calling him while we’re in the same airport and he doesn’t know i’m here. So i went and called him from the pay phone. It felt good to hear his voice and i said so. i told him I want to see him and don’t really want to pass through security.. he said yea… we talked a lil bit. He said he thinks I should come see him for 5 minutes. I didn’t understand what he said i first. I said what i don’t understand. He said what do you mean you don’t understand… I said you said… 5min? he said yeah… i said I think you should come see me for 5 minutes. I felt So good. And I really liked how he said he thinks… didn’t want to argue with that and with a good thing hehe… so i said ok. So he told me how to get there and I went, couldnt find him, called him, he had come up to see me we had missed each other, my flight was boarding and I was in the wrong terminal. Then I saw him. He had an airplane neck pillow for me! Ohhh I always wanted one of those. He walked with me to the airtrain… I couldve asked him to help me with the bags but there was a way to carry them that I was afraid he would mess up hehe… anyway… he kissed me bye and said bye and smiled and I smiled as I was leaving. He was looking at me smiling as the airtrain pulled away. And now I’m on my flight. yay… I feel good.

    6:05 pm. i’m feeling gratified. i feel exhausted, relieved, glad I got what I wanted. Like reassurance. it feels good. On the phone i was “blabbing” telling him I feel weird, I feel overwhelmed… sad… I feel glad my blabbing is now feelin messages. I have this image of me clinging to his chest and crying. Saying that I love you and I want to be with you kind of thing… I feel glad that sex stimulates my emotions this way. I feel interested. I feel good. I feel good about myself this way becuase I think I am vulnerable and soft this way. I also told myself that I am really clinging to me… and the me I was clinging to comforted the crying me and said I will always be there for you. Yay. I feel so interested. This is a little different of how I was picturing rockstar sex which was more like feeling animal power kind of thing. i feel interested in that too and I feel glad to see my vulnerability and to feel the attachment I felt towards him when I saw him and how easy it was to put my head to his chest. And he kissed me. What a sweet man. I feel a little bit bothered by an NV talkin about that girl that he is sort of with and that’s ok too. I love and accept my nv right now. I want to think of what makes me feel good and I am feeling good. Thank you Angels. This felt wonderful. I now feel calm, good, pleased. I feel interested in how helpless and vulnerable and desperate I was feeling. I feel both a fear of being needy this way and also a thought that this is attractive. I feel glad I shared myself with him… meaning my feelings. I feel interested in more good men, and more interesting, Wonderful feeling sex. I feel so glad he wanted to see me and kissed me. That meant a lot to me right now. omgosh and he even got me a little pillow. I feel glad about that. I feel a lil uncomfortable that I paid for the hotel. the hotel was for me because I missed my flight, and both of us did not really want to see his mom in the morning. I feel uncomfortable hoping I am not selling myself short for not wanting to see his mom like I’m not good enough. And I don’t want to feel uncomfortable meeting someone’s mom in this situation when what I want is to relax and sleep. Also the hotel was awesome looking inside, much better than the manhattan one. And I got the guy to give me a discount which felt great. Also he paid for our drink and smoke pretty much the whole time. I only paid 2 dollars for the bus one time.

    i feel interested that I felt a lil pushed away yesterday when I was telling him I feel sad leaving him and I don’t feel like leaving him and I feel weird. I said you know I like you right. He said yeah right. I said I do. I told him I feel weird in my tummy like it is turning in a circle. He said don’t worry you will forget about me when you get home. So i was feeling like huh a little weird but I didn’t mind because it felt like interesting practice to express and also I felt surprised at feeling this way. Then i got my period in the airport bathroom so I guess that contributed to my feeling this way… hormones! Also explains my lack of sex drive/enjoyment the past 2 weeks. I feel glad to get my period. yay. i feel glad we actually had sex on my period because normally I would think a guy wouldn’t want to but this time I decided to lean back and not try to convince or excuse myself or watever. yes maybe the sex wasnt the best and even he said it wouldve been better if i werent on my period but I still feel glad i did it. I listened to my body which craves sex right before my period and also midmonth at ovulation (even more!) So i’m looking forward to ovulation hehe. He said if I had a boyfriend I would do it more I said yeah you’re probably right if I had someone I were exclusive with. He asked my why I don’t have a man and I said I don’t want a boyfriend. I didn’t tell him I want to be married etc because I think I told him before and also I didn’t feel like doing a speech. There’s always time to explore that more. I felt kinda weird when he asked me if I have sex often because I didn’t want to feel like I am just having totally casual sex. The truth is I have had sex in the past month hehe. That is becuase I am sexploring. I said I am interested right now in having better sex and stuff. he said yeah thats why I was saying if you have a boyfriend youll have it more. I said you’re right. I felt kinda weird because I feel like he is not that into me although I also feel like he is into me. We live far from each other and taht feels weird. When he said it wouldve been better if I werent on my period I said yeah and if I didn’t feel so scared and knew you more for like a month at least. That’s when I said i am deciding to be adventurous and try new things because I want to have better sex. I am writing this stuff a little anachronistically.

    I feel weirded out thinking about that stuff.

    I feel good and bad that he wanted to see me and kissed me goodbye. Good because I felt cared for, bad because I feel like a little unimportant cuz I’m gonna be gone now… and I’m thinking about him going back to his girl. The one that’s not realy his girl right now but etc. Uhmm so what I was going to say earlier was that the pushing away feeling when he was saying like yeah right to my liking him… then he told me a lil while after that about hte girl. So that feeling was about something going on… he was acting taht way for a reason which felt interesting. The reason being that he’s unavailable. I wanted to use Rori’s line of “that feels like a turn off” but I didn’t really feel turned off I felt kinda tense and sad maybe disappointed. So as I mentioned after about 5 minutes of inner riffing i said that. I casually said… I feel weird… he said something like what do you feel weird about… I said I felt sad hearing you say that you have a girl… he said why said… I dono i kinda feel not special…i dono if i said that part… i said because i like you silly… and he said I like you too… and I felt relieved that I had spoken up. And the tenseness the coldness in my arms and my thoughts going back to that kinda let up. I felt bubbly energy in me that I coudl get up and move and talk and especially laugh. I love expressing feelings. however the stuff about the girl is still on my mind and I am imaginng him going home and kissing her etc… I realize I do this with a lot of guys when I know they are dating or were dating or whenever any woman is in the picture in some way. I love me. I love working with these triggers. I love my angels for helping me feel good and happy. I love writing down the truth whether I judge it good or bad. I love following my feelings,, and being strong, and caring about myself. yay.

    Did I mention that men LOVE it when I say yay? Which I do. It’s like one of their favorite of my feeling messages. Yay.

  119.  #119TW on June 9, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Hi guys-
    This is the first time I have post on this one but the subject is so great. Anyway, I have not heard from my LI so far last night was three days. He came where I worked yesterday and did not even come up and see me ( I could have been at lunch at the time so I will let him slide on that one). Anyway he went the whole weekend with no contact and I was sure I would hear something from him yesterday but NOTHING. I am proud of myself for not picking up the phone and calling or texting him like normal. I have actually put my phone on vibrate and leave it in another room while I sleep at night so I will not be tempted to answer if he calls. Anyway, long story short, he goes from hot to cold and then back again you know. It makes me feel like he has found someone else or that he is not interested which may not be the case but I am feeling my feelings. I cried so hard last night and just drowned myself in my tears because I feel pissed and angry at the fact that he can tell me that he misses me and that he loves me but yet does not contact me for days and then I want to say dumbass what do you expect…. You would miss someone if you do not interact with them. It is not rocket science you know. Anyway, it is definitely not my fault that he is stupid but it is my fault for accepting it you know. I have no clue what is going to happen between us and right now although I love him to death I do not really care. I can not allow myself to be treated less than what I deserve. He treats me like I will always be around ust sitting and waiting on him to come around but little does he know I have been seeing others and the reality of the situation is that he is what I want but I have been overfunctioning but no more. I just watched Modern siren and I am ready to unleash my inner bitch. I am in love with this man but I have to be in love with myself as well. I love you guys… Will write later.

  120.  #120Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 7:08 am

    Things have been crazy here and I wasn’t online this weekend but…

    Alias Girl!!!! Welcome back lady! It’s so good to hear your thoughts on here again! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Ann: I’m so sorry for your situation. I believe things will improve for you, but…it’s a long hard road to get to improvement sometimes. I like that you’re getting in touch with your anger though and not letting it be all sadness…for me, anger = strength. I believe you have strength too. Somehow, no matter how bad things get, eventually, they get better if only we believe…I’ll do some believing for you…

    Much Love,

  121.  #121Lisa Steadman on June 9, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Rori, this is great info. I will pass along to my clients! It’s so important to get things out in the open to really make CHANGE. As always, you’re a wealth of info and guidance!

  122.  #122Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 10:34 am

    I sent an email to Rori because I wanted it to be private but I’ve changed my mind. I want to share it with you ladies and see how you feel about it. I was looking for the right place to post it and thought this would be a good one. This isn’t about anger at my man…I’m not angry at his ability (or offer) to take care of this for me, but…I’m wondering if maybe it’s a little bit of anger at myself for being in this situation at all.

    Can anyone relate to my fears? What would you do?

    So here goes…my letter to Rori (it’s long…lol):

    Rori: I have a problem…no idea how to deal with it and I’d like your advice.

    My boyfriend is a very amazing man. He treats me like a goddess all of the time (well….at least since I stopped making mistakes and kicked the walls around his heart down. LOL). But I need to give you a little background.

    This man has lots of money. I do okay..but I don’t by any means have lots of money. I have enough to easily take care of myself and if I needed say a new refridgerator…well…I could pay cash for a decent one. He, on the other hand, has LOTS of money and treats himself (and me) very well. We live different lifestyles when it comes to spending.

    One of the things he’s always said he loves about me is how independent I am. He told me once that any other woman would have quit her job and asked him to buy her a car by now. I’m not like that. I am proud of myself for being able to take care of myself and though I let him treat when we go out or spend time together, I take care of my own bills, etc.

    Here’s the kicker. My car broke down. It’s really junk and it’s starting to scare me (being on the road in a major US city). Last night, he offered to buy me a car. He wants me to have something nice and certainly something reliable so he doesn’t have to worry about me. I can’t afford something nice and probably can’t even afford something reliable. I have financial goals set and am working hard to achieve those goals and buying a new car isn’t something that fits right now. I just really, really can’t buy that car.

    So…knowing he’s always been worried about women who would use him for money. Knowing he’s attracted to me, in part, because I’ve never asked him for money. Knowing he loves my independence and loves that I take care of myself when it comes to my financial needs. And knowing that’s a lot of why we’re still together (he has no fear of my taking advantage of him)…

    Well…what do you think I should do? I’m worried that even though this offer comes from his heart, he will eventually see me as just like all those other women. He probably believes in his heart that I’ll figure something out. I’ve figured it out before and not “needed” him to “take care of me”. What do you think the chances are that this will be a total turnoff? Do you think I should let him buy it and then make payments to him for it? I’m lost here.

    We’re in a place where we know we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. That’s a fact. We’re in love and he’s asked me to move in with him on multiple occasions. I haven’t given up my apartment yet because I’m not ready for that step but I know he loves me. I want that love to last. Do you think he’ll see this as me using him for money (I mean eventually, not right away, right now, he’s offering because he knows he can help..but later…down the road…what will he think)? I really don’t know what to do.

    I’ve come so far with this man and set so many good boundaries and opened his heart and the lines of communication. I’ve worked so hard. I don’t want to do this wrong (and he knows about all of this….he knows how uncomfortable I am with my situation right now)

    Yes, I do see it as weakness (and weakness scares me) but…I also see it as…hmmm…this is hard to explain.

    Do men keep track of “points” the way we women do? What I mean is this. A man gives a rose = 1 point. A man gives a dozen roses = 1 point. A man says/does something romantic (no money involved) = 1 point. A man says/does something mean or disrespectful…well… = minus 10 points (at least 10…cuz we can bring this up over and over and over again and we can certainly stress about it for months or even years).

    So…does it work that way with a man? A woman is strong on the outside = 1 point. A woman is sexy (in his eyes…I’m not talking about what we look like…more like how we relate to him in a sexy way…) = 1 point. A woman makes him laugh = 1 point. A woman makes life fun for him = 1 point. A woman is independent and stands up for herself = 1 point. A woman can’t take care of herself without him = minus 10 points.

    Will this come up again? When things get rough for us (and life does tend to hand even the strongest couples some tough times…) will he, during a stressful time think “she can’t even take care of herself. If it weren’t for me, she’d be walking to work”?

    I want to be able to receive, I really do. My problem is…how do I trust that this is just a gift. Just a gift…not more, not less…1 point…not something I will always have to know I couldn’t do for myself and needed him to do for me. I mean…if it weren’t for him or if he wasn’t offering to buy the car, I’d figure something out. I always do. I do not believe that I would sit in my house crying because I don’t have a car and can’t get to work. I’d do something…anything…and I’d be okay. He’s just making it easier than me having to figure something out. He’s figured it out already. I want to be okay with that.

    I know I need him Rori…I need his love, I need his affection, I need his smile, I need his laughter, I need his friendship. I would fall apart if I lost him…he means the world to me and is SO good to me. But…now…I need his money?? He’s had a lot of women in his life who needed (or at least wanted/asked for/used him for) his money. We’ve been together for 4 years…I’ve never been that woman…

    I want to know if there is someone out there who can relate to how I’m feeling. Because, to be honest with you, I’m terrified. I have all the confidence in the world almost all of the time. Now, I’m about as insecure as a woman can get and I’m afraid this will cause a huge rift for us. And no matter how irrational that fear sounds, it’s tearing me apart right now…

    Much Love,

    So…how do you goddesses feel about my dilema??

  123.  #123Linda G on June 9, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Part of being a goddess is leasrning how to recieve. to reject his offer would be a cactus-y thing to do. Just say thank you.

  124.  #124DocK on June 9, 2009 at 11:05 am

    I’m with Linda G – a guy knows the difference between a woman who is a “user” and a woman who really loves him and is with him for all of the right reasons. A man likes to “do” for us – some just have the means to do more than others.

  125.  #125Daria on June 9, 2009 at 11:15 am

    Hi Mercedes,

    I can totally relate to this feeling of… will he judge me for this in the future… this can come up a lot, not necessarily about money… for example will he judge me if I have sex too soon, etc…

    I think it’s all about how WE SEE IT. If we feel strong and happy and COMFORTABLE receiving and being ourselves then he will feel SAFE and not even be in a space to judge us. If we feel these fears of being rejected and don’t express them and love them… then his reaction may be an expression of that.

    What I would do is LOVE my fear of this being a problem… accept the car… and allow him to be happy with it too. If I am in a great space with myself and feeling comfortable then nothing, even an outright criticicism on the subject, would shake my happy feeling much.

    I would want to love the fear of losing him. After all if he leaves you or gives you -10 points for accepting a gift, that sounds like he’s not entitled to – 1000 from you. Your man sounds like he loves you from what you have been saying. Don’t worry… receive… the worry is coming from you and your nasty voice… you can tell her that you thank her for her fear and input, and love her, and you are in charge and are going to feel better now, and theres no need for fear anymore… and you won’t abandon her as you go on to feeling better and happy.

    I can see how accepting this big gift might feel really scary… it might also bring you and him much closer…

    I feel interested…

  126.  #126Linmayu on June 9, 2009 at 11:24 am

    I’m feeling so inspired by Daria’s airport story and how she became so soft and vulnerable and appreciative of the good-feeling things the guy did. And so honest.

    I feel like I’m moving backwards, more into hard, masculine, anxious head-space. I feel like when my mind’s on something else and I drop my guard, men are all over me–but then I notice that, and enjoy it, and want it to be that way all the time–and then somehow I become hard and needy, and men give me withering looks. Like “FINE, I’ll look at you because you obviously want it so bad, but I’m not going to hide the contempt in my eyes.” That feels awful–but then I realize that all I have to do to stop the awfulness is to appreciate my own self. And then it shifts again and I find high school boys staring at this old lady…lol :D!

  127.  #127DocK on June 9, 2009 at 11:25 am

    OK – so speaking of “doing for” I am triggered by the “if you’re chasing him….” Rori tools email.

    One, I am NOT a doer when it comes to men (no, I don’t mean THAT way HA). BUT, I come from a background where we all struggled financially in our neighborhood – whoever had the money helped the other out – male or female – didn’t matter. Saved some of us from starving or having electicity shut off – whatever.

    Consequently, I enjoy being in a place now where I can be and enjoy being generous (mostly with female friends and family). I do usually let the man pay for lunch, dinner whatever – but every now and then I do pick up the tab. I also have sent flowers, on occasion to a man for his b’day and he always loved it and bragged about how everyone gathered around to look at it. I have never felt I was “chasing” a man by doing this. In my life – I have only actually ever had one guy break up with me – rather than the other way around so I’m not sure that it hurt anything but feel like the guys liked to be treated that way once in awhile.

    Maybe I am a lot of masculine energy in spite of the girly look. Maybe I have had feminine energy guys but I feel like they have been sweet with me but in ways that were NOT puppy dog but “all boy.” Maybe I have mostly had relationships that Rori describes in ebook about how the masculine/feminine energy flows back and forth between us rather than deciding and, it’s tricky, but it can work. I don’t know. Feel confused.

  128.  #128Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Thanks ladies: It’s not so much about a fear of losing him. If he decides to ever leave me for any reason, I know he’ll be making a mistake and…I can’t imagine him outright saying anything (ever) about how it was wrong of me to accept the car. He’s giving is from his heart, I do know that.

    My fear is about a vibe changing which then starts the ball rolling in the wrong direction. Not that he would necessarily relate it to the gift…just that inside of him (and me) we would both know that things changed.

    I’m cool with receiving from him in some ways. One thing Rori mentioned to me via email was the word “trade” and that’s how I feel I guess (but I didn’t know it until today). I’m willing to receive when we go out (he always pays) but…he’s getting my company in return (yes…that sounds a little cocky but it’s how I feel…maybe “cocky” isn’t the right word…maybe “goddessey” is better). This would be the first time he’s given me anything that we weren’t sharing (other than Christmas and birthday, etc) and it isn’t something I just “want” or that makes me happy, it’s something that I pretty much need (and this is HUGE…it’s not a ride or a rental car…it’s a CAR…for ME)…and…I have nothing to trade…

    Yes…I know how wrong that thought process is…but…if I’m being authentic and real, that’s how I feel. Hmmm…me…always needing to be on even ground…

    Daria…you are so together when it comes to feelings. I can’t love negative feelings quite yet. I feel them. I process them. I remove them (most of the time) but…it’s hard for me to feel grateful for them. And you’re right…it’s about how we feel and whether or not we feel comfortable accepting a gift..and…for whatever reason…I’m not feeling comfortable. So…I’m not comfortable and have a HUGE fear that this will change things for us. I don’t want things to change for the worse. I’ve pretty much always been authentically…(with no pretenses and lots of boundaries) the woman he was looking for. This is not exactly what he told me he was looking for (ummm…the exact opposite as a matter of fact).

    I know I’ll do the right thing for me…just have lots of fears and am grateful for your insights…

    Much Love,

  129.  #129Ann on June 9, 2009 at 11:50 am


    I don’t plan on being on the computer alot today but I saw your question and wanted to tell you what I feel.

    First let me APPLAUD you. My impression of Mercedas is a strong, opininated women who can take care of herself. If a man is there fine if not fine. I see alot of myself in you. Thank you for honoring us by showing us your vulnerability. You rock.

    Now my feelings are a bit different than the other ladies. I feel your man is fantastic for stepping up, MANNING UP(my new mantra lol) to help you here in your time of need.

    I feel you should speak from your heart like you have here to him. I feel you should trust him to understand your feelings. I feel the 2 of you should negotiate a compromise where he’s giving and you’re recieving in a way that feels good to you.

    Rori teaches about recieving but I feel foremost she teaches to take care of ourselves first. I feel you struggling with taking this gift. It could be your nasty voices or it could be your intuition telling you this wouldn’t be good for you or your relationship down the line.

    Your man is offering this from the goodness of his heart but until or unless you can accept it without doubt or it bothering you I feel it will nag at you and put a small wedge between you. That might or might not grow.

    My suggest would be to tell him how much you love him and appreciate him wanting to help you. And you’re not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth however he knows how independant you are. So could you work out a compromise.

    Maybe he could lease a car for you to drive until you could afford your own. Or maybe he could purchase another car for hisself and allow you to drive it. You would be accepting his genorisity but it would still be his and if anything did go wrong he’d still have it.

    I hope what I’m trying to say is coming across right. I feel it is good for us to recieve but to me we must honor our own feelings first.

  130.  #130Ann on June 9, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Mercedas looks like we were posting at the same time. I understand what your saying. Thank you for letting us in on this adventure you’re having with yourself.

  131.  #131Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Ann: That’s exactly why I emailed Rori instead of posting right away. I am the woman you see in your impressions so it took a minute to gather up the courage to show you all where Mercedes has her weak spot. My weak spot is certainly independence. I have it. I demand it. And…now…I’m in a place where I have to give a little of that up. It’s hard. Thanks for appreciating how hard it was for me to post here.

    I can tell you that he does know for certain how I feel about this. We talked about it for a long time last night. He knows it scares me. He knows it’s hard for me. He knows it’s not something I’m comfortable with…and he knows it’s something I may have to do anyway. I’m very open and honest with him. I’m pretty sure I never have a feeling related to our relationship that he isn’t aware of. I used to push them down…I don’t make those mistakes with him anymore. He knows how I feel.

    I could like the idea of compromise a little more if he wanted a another car anyway. To me…it’s the same thing…buy it and keep it, buy it and give it, lease it…it’s still him taking care of me because I can’t do it myself.

    I know it’s crazy. I’ve just never really been here before…never had to say the words “please help me” or even “thank you for helping me” when it comes to tangible things.

    GRRRRRR!!!!!! (to myself…not to you ladies…LOL)

    Much Love,

  132.  #132Robin on June 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm


    Wow, yeah I identify with this feeling, my ex that I work with, bought a car for me when I didn’t have one (let me rephrase, it was actually a loan, b/c I paid him back-but it was still like, Whoa, this is huge) This was before he and I got involved and I remember thinking ‘OMG Im totally indebted to him…’

    But I learned that I was not, and that a man really does what he wants…he wanted to help me by buying this car for me, loaning me the $$ for it, and it was totally out of the blue-it was his idea

    And Mercedes you sound so awesome and totally strong-and you definitely dont need him to buy you a car, b/c it feels like you would make a way, be resourceful, handle your business, and take care of yourself.

    But he loves you and he wants to do this for you. And he KNOWS that you can take care of yourself, it was his idea, because he WANTS to do this for you.

    Receiving is part of being a Goddess, but its doing it w/o feeling weird and w/o taking advantage, the latter of which is not you….

    I remember feeling weird when he got that car for me, but I just told myself to get over it b/c I needed the car and that it was OK to let him give to me (plus I had a mad crazy crush on him!), its def not the same situation, but maybe riff through the bad weird feelings… love em, caress em, massage em..maybe you will feel better about it. You know youre not using him and so does he..

    Keep us posted!

  133.  #133Ann on June 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Mercedas as much as we independant women detest it sometimes we need others help. BELIEVE me I know what your feeling and saying. I hope you find what feels good to you. Can you afford ANY kind of a car payment? If so would it feel ok to you to make that payment to him? I still feel there is some kind of compromise the 2 of you could negotiate here.

    I’m really appreciating your sharing right now.

  134.  #134Linda G on June 9, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    You need to be in a aplace where you feel worthy of receiving a gift. I would be uncomfortable going into a business deal with him about the car. It’s not about business. That’s how you get on court TV.

  135.  #135Ann on June 9, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Linda G paying him for the car could be tricky. However, Mercedas needs a ride now.

    I’m a strong willed, independant, opininated woman myself. So for me it would be hard to get in the place I was ok with this fast. That’s why I feel they might want to find some kind of compromise.

    However, I’m not Mercedas she might be able to process these feelings alot faster than me.

  136.  #136Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks Robin: Telling myself to “get over it” is exactly what I know I should do (and what I really really want to be able to do)…and maybe I will…not today, but who knows what tomorrow brings. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Ann: One of the questions in my email to Rori was “do you think I should let him buy and then make payments to him for it?” Yes, I could afford a payment. Rori thinks bad idea…I sort of do too. I kind of agree with what Linda G says…he’s my boyfriend and I don’t want to owe him money.

    I think, if I accept this, it will have to be a gift. Something that I have come to terms with. Once I reach a place where I don’t feel like I owe him for the gift, then I can receive it. If I can’t do that, then owing him money for a car I can’t afford from the bank (meaning it would take me FOREVER to get it paid off) isn’t a place I want to be with my boyfriend. A banker…maybe…my love….not so much. But yes…it crossed my mind.

    Nobody worry about me for right now. I’m taking the car to the shop today and renting a car for a few days until I find out what it will cost to get it fixed. It is a piece of crap and I really do need to stop driving it before it leaves me stranded in the middle of the night, but for piece of mind’s sake, I’m going to look into getting it running a little better for now.

    I’m sure J and I will talk about this again (soon). We love each other and we’ll figure it out in a way that makes me smile (I hope…) but…for now, I hate being in this place.

    And yes, I’ll keep you posted.

    Much Love,

  137.  #137Ann on June 9, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Mercedas good I hope they get your car running the way you’d like. Again thank you for sharing with us. I know you’ll find what works for you.

  138.  #138Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Ann: Thank you so much! I know I’ve found what is only a temporary solution to this problem. I’ll have to face it all very soon and figure out how/if I can learn to receive the way a woman should. I don’t know…it’ll all work out for the best somehow some way…

    To all of you ladies who responded: I really appreciate all you’ve said. I love hearing what you would do…I love hearing that some of you are stronger than me in this type of situation and some of you can feel the fear with me and some of you are a little of both. It sometimes just helps to know people understand…

    I appreciate you all so very much!

    Much Love,

  139.  #139Linmayu on June 9, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Mercedes, I’m not going to say this to discourage you–but I was once fiercely attached to my independence, and a man fell in love with me for it. And I was in a financial bind, and he stepped up–BIG TIME. We were engaged at the time so he says it was strictly practical, but to me it felt so amazing to be completely taken care of like that.

    What happened afterwards, I feel rotten to admit, well, everyone pretty much knows. But I did lose my independent vibe when I knew I could rely on him. It got to where I didn’t have a job at all and he supported me while I chased some theoretical dream of starting a business, and lost a bunch of money, and began to hate myself, and it all went to heck. Thank God I’m growing that independent vibe back fast (swearing off men really accelerated that process, as I now KNOW I have no one but God to rely on).

    There probably would have been a way for me to accept my husband’s abundant gifts and care without growing dependent on him for them. Whatever Rori wrote to you in her email probably covers it–but what can I say for myself? Just this: I was young and very naive, and walking into what I thought would be a fairytale ending. I didn’t realize that my real struggles were just beginning.

    I can feel your fear of becoming dependent and losing your attractiveness. I can really identify with it because I have lived it. I hope that because I did live it, you will never have to.

  140.  #140Cassandra on June 10, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Mercedes…..I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to back here. I feel excited that your man so wants to step for you like this and it even makes me feel hope. As far as what to do only YOU know what feels right to you in your heart. I feel from reading your posts though that this man really truly does love you and want you to be ok and have whatever it is that you need. I feel from what you have shared with us that he does indeed know how you feel about your independence and how you feel fear about things with you 2 changing but I feel that even though he knows all of this that perhaps it may good to talk to him again so that there is no question about it and maybe that would even give you a little more peace about allowing him to help you? I don’t know. I know that when I have something really heavy on my heart like this I NEED to talk about it and then I do end up feeling better and I think that if you were to discuss this with him again…..maybe you could end up with a little more peace about it? I do believe that he loves you and I don’t feel that things would change at all between you except for maybe the better in that he may help you to get to where you are ok receiving. I am really bad at receiving and I have just learned that recently so perhaps this is a ‘lesson’ that is being presented to you in order to help you break thru to that next higher level within your own walk and within your relationship…….just a thought. mo matter what you decide to do…I support you wholeheartedly and I feel so deeply happy and thankful that you have a man in your life that loves you and wants to take care of you in this way! That makes me feel happy and hopeful and kind of giddy inside! I do celebrate this for you and can’t wait to hear what you decide to do. Lots of love to you!! XOXOXO

  141.  #141Flipper on June 10, 2009 at 7:46 am

    What I would remind myself of, is that this is a car, a THING, and as such or as the amount of money it represents, it means very little on my scale of values. If I were Mercedes, I could ask myself if I were confusing a Thing with my core-value Independence. As for the giver, I could ask myself if I were confusing his offer of timely help with my physical means of independence (keeping job, getting around) all while reassuring himself that I was safe and comfortable so that I could keep giving him what he Needs from me, with an emotional time-bomb of my own making.

    Would I not offer the equivalent (in accordance with my means) to him if the tables were turned (given the solidity and long-standing of our union)? Would I not feel shaken and doubt about the value to him of my loving support (as expressed through a perfectly appropriate, proportionate gift) if he refused? This reminds me of the age-old stories (O’Henry and just about every other culture has them) of the wife who sells her hair to buy the missing volume in her husband’s collection and the husband who sells the collection to buy his wife a comb for the hair he adores.

    For me, pure independence is a fiction – we are interdependant all the time, with more or less liberty to choose how, when, with whom. If we have trusted each other to such a degree with our lives, by choosing and accepting emotional interdependence with them, why would I question that by preferring an impersonal dependance on a banker or a needless, make-work personal ‘independence’?

    I feel you are right, Mercedes – something will definitely change down the line, but ceding to your fears now seems more likely to sow the wrong seeds for the future. It’s only a ‘thing’, representing a big thing to you nonetheless. Perhaps this is exactly the ‘right’ next step in your journey together.

  142.  #142Flipper on June 10, 2009 at 7:51 am

    For me, I am also trying to take things out of the context of “giving” and put them into the category of ‘sharing’. Sharing abundance, sharing needs.

  143.  #143Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Ok…I have more to say (espeically to Linmayu – you seem to get what I’m going through here) but I’m going to do it on the thread Rori started with this issue of mine…

    Much Love,

  144.  #144Cassandra on June 13, 2009 at 8:45 am

    I wanted to come back to this post and re-read what Rori said in detail because I was in a situation just last night that was this exact same situation. I tried so hard to remember exactly what to do in the situation but I couldn’t but apparently it was ‘stored’ somewhere in my subconscious mind because I did exactly what Rori said to do. I feel so proud of this and that I was indeed able to WALK AWAY! I don’t rememeber ever walking away from Charles or any man for that matter…perhaps I have and don’t remember it but it totally changed the entire vibe of an entire conversation and Charles…yes that’s right…..Charles..one of the most toxic men on the planet who I though was TOTALLY incapable of dancing came after me with an apology and a ‘please come back and finish….”. At the time of this conversation I was shaving his head – he is bald and I do his hair and we got into a serious conversation. I was NOT in a good mood at all as a matter of fact I was pretty irritated with him because he had been nasty all thru out the day and I had just had enough. I was shaving his head and we got to talking about life in general and choices that we both have made and whether or not we would change this that or the other and he started in about all of the things that are wrong with me and all of the things that i do wrong….pretty much nothing but negativity in general but as usual…I definitely felt attacked. I am not really even sure what hit me in that moment to remember this post but I did and I told him that I did feel attacked and that I feel that more often than not. At one point he even said that he would NOT change having ME come into his life which completely shocked me! He goes out of his way to let me know that I am unwanted, unloved etc but then in this conversation he said that he is actually happy that I am in his life….that he would NOT change that part….that he likes our ‘friendship’ and that our relationship is fine which in Charles speak means that he likes us being together. I just about choked on my words I was so shocked to hear him say those things. Of course I got all sentimental and this was where the anger came in……I was saying something about how wonderful it felt to hear him say those things and as usual he shot back with some nasty, degrading, horrible comment that was totally unwarranted and downright mean. That was the moment when instead of reacting the way I normally would have…I STOPPED myself from saying anything at all…I put the razor down on the countertop and I walked away! I did not sway anything in explanation or defense…I simply walked away. I didn’t even sort of ‘toss’ the razor onto the countertop in an angry way…I gently set it there turned around and walked away. I felt so good about that and no sooner did i realize what I had done that man came quickly walking to where I was asking me what was wrong….why did i leave? I sat there stunned that he even noticed I had left the room let alone came into the room that I had gone into. I really was stunned. I feel so proud of my NON reaction to his nastiness and degredation…I feel so proud of the fact that I walked away without saying a word I just stopped. Perhaps I am making progress and that feels great.

  145.  #145Daria on June 13, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Omg Cassandra amazing! I can just imagine you walking away like that. That feels so dignified. You are such a Goddess.

  146.  #146Cassandra on June 13, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Daria….thank you so much! it did feel great at that moment and even now when I think about it…it still does. I feel as though I am making small strides eacha nd evey day to get to where I want to be and I have not felt that I could SAY that…well really ever! So this for me is HUGE. I can feel that I am DEtatching emotionally from Charles and for instance right now…..I just don’t care. he went to his nephew’s graduation and of course all of the rest of the ‘family’ was there except for me. Now don’t get me wrong….OMG did that ever hurt and it still does but right now in THIS moment…I WANT to be HERE doing what makes ME feel good and being here right now does just that. I have no clue when he is coming home……if we are having dinner together…..if he willbe home really late or what and I DON”T CARE! I could not say that a month ago….even though I wanted to say it and MEAN it I could not do that a month ago. Daria……I want to say something here that I have never been able to say and MEAN it totally…but here goes….CHARLES DOES NOT….DOES NOT…DOES NOT…DOES NOT DESERVE ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM…HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO EVEN BE AROUND ME AT ALL!!! There…I said and I mean it and it felt sooooooo good to put that to ‘paper’ and make it ‘real’. Crying now because I FINALLY said it and you know what? I feel so good to KNOW that it is true! He has taken so so much from me and nearly killed my spirit literally and thank GOD I found Rori and this site and these tools and eveyone here. I thank GOD for that! I deserve so so so much better! I am at a point now where I feel that he really is hindering me from having what I want for my life! Can you believe that I just said that?! Well…I did and I mean every word of it. I WANT to get out there and talk to other men and get to go and do fun things lie movies, dinner, getting dressed up and feeling good about me again and Charles took all of that from me and in some ways nearly took my life and I DO mean that literally. Keep in mind that tomorrow I may and probably will feel so so so differently but that is ok…this is how I feel NOW and it feels so good. I have not heard from him all day long even though he promised he would call…..even a month ago my thoughts would have been…..what is he doing…why hasn’t he called…..what have I done to make him not call……but right now I am thinking that I don’t care what he is doing….when he comes home and honestly IF he comes home. I am not at all wishing anything bad to happen to him…all I mean is that I don’t care anymore. He does not deserve even one more ounce of my energy! Thank you Daria for your post and your encouragement! Sending you lots of love and hugs! XOXOX

  147.  #147Cassandra on June 13, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    One more thing….when I look back at when I first came here which was right around the time that you and Linmayu and AG did….I feel so good about where I am at right now!! TOTALLY DIFFERENT and AWESOME!

  148.  #148TW on June 14, 2009 at 1:51 am

    Hi guys…i sent my li an email saying how I felt about some things on Friday and he called that afternoon and at the end of the conversation he said call me if you need me…. I was crying and hung up the phone after I said ok. I was really upset. he called me on my work phone which he rarely does… mostly cell. I have not heard from him since. it is hard for me to not call because I have so much anger inside. I am hurting you know. do I wait for him to call? what if he doesnt?

  149.  #149Daria on June 14, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    oh TW… hugs !

    What good would it do if you were to call? And at the same time… he said you can call him… so it’s your choice…

    I woudl feel happy to see you reach a point where you don’t Want to call him and just let him call you… and if he doesn’t call you do other things…

    It’s very important that you are able to embrace the anger and hurt you feel inside as much as you can On Your Own. Using him to discharge it is not owning your emotions… it’s giving away your power…

    Have you tried riffing the anger and hurt?

    you can try it here on the blog and we will all help you

  150.  #150Uschi on September 18, 2009 at 7:43 am

    This post of Rori up top makes a lot of sense. Thinking about my man that I am desperately trying to get our relationship back on track and the things I know about him, makes me think he is angry at a lot of things from his past. Like his 3 X wifes the first one had a baby by another man while he was in the navy and out at sea the 2nd one was very dominant and he couldn’t breathe and the 3rd one was crazy. I met his 2nd and 3rd wife and I can see where he is coming from I can understand why he is angry and I believe some of the issues with his 2nd wife could have been taken care of if she had known about Rori. We do have to realize that not all women are ideal and some of them are toxic as much as men can be toxic and those toxic women can ruin a man for the rest of us. When we come across a man like this who has all that anger within him and not knowing it, and I believe in my case it is from his past, relationships then we have to be doubly smart and set boundaries, and let them know so far no further and kind of get them to deal with their own anger and problems, get them resolved, kind of cleansed. In a case like this we are not just helping ourselves but we are helping him too, he just doesn’t know it. Rori, your post up top all of a sudden hit me like a brick. I was thinking back at our arguments and the things he said. His 3rd wife, threw him out of the house with his daughter in one of her crazy fits (she was committed several times) and he had to live on his boat. I believe when I man goes through something like that he is not only angry but starts doubting his manhood and his ego gets a serious dent. My man is 61 years old, I am 54 we both bring a lot of negative past to the relationship. As much as I love Rori’s blog and her book, I wish there was something out there like this for men too. It seems that it is always us women who have to do the work. Don’t get me wrong I love doing it because I love my man and yes I am concentrating on our relationship and how to get it back on track by using Rori’s tools. However, I am using the tools to get my relationship back on track and at the same time uncovering a lot about myself and my man. Circular dating I am only using insofar that I am open to other men and lean back and see what happens but I will never go on an actual date for the simple reason that I feel my man is still hurting from his first wife betraying him so much and even having a child by another man while he was out at sea that I don’t even want to take the chance on him thinking that I am dating someone else even if there is nothing sexually going on. I believe that would totally undermine the trust that I have build up. I am not talking about him and what he is doing at the moment I am talking about me and what feels right to me. Every situation is different and I can’t undermine what feels right to me, however I can use the tools given by Rori that will work for me and in my situation. The above post by Rori was like a huge eye opener for me and I understand a lot more about my man and can use the tools to help me, him and in turn us to get our relationship back on track.
    Thanks Rori you are awesome.

  151.  #151ABC on September 20, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    After all this time, i am back in the blog.

    hi Rori and everyone!

    I just have to make a comment about this because i attract men like this like a magnet, which i have become very aware of and annoyed by.

    Rori, you are right about the men who are consistently defensive and have to attack to feel ok. However, i am not sure if sharing my feelings with him will make me feel better or make the relationship work. men like this are very narcissistic, and often don’t take other people’s feelings or opinions seriously.

    i really believe everything has to do with a man’s maturity level and your maturity level. a person like this is INCAPABLE of listening to you, even if you share your feelings in a non-dramatic way. i realized i can’t help a man grow, he has to it on his own.

    i was recently in a situation where i told the man he’s “narcissistic” and he tried to get back at me by flirting with other girl right in front of me. i knew right away this man’s maturity level is no way near a positive number.

    and I could have told him how i felt, but we weren’t even in a relationship, how is that gonna work out? my guy friend told me that “i don’t understand why do you have to practice with this kind of man to work out your own issues, why can’t you just resolve it with a less problem guy, this type of men will only get you hurt, the only way to resolve your issues is to avoid him altogether.”

    and that’s what also realized, if i don’t feel good about a man or what he does, i usually feel better sharing my feelings by talking to my friends than with the man who hurt my feelings on purpose—because he doesn’t need you to tell him you are hurt by what happened—he did it on purpose just to hurt you, he knows what makes you tick. and if he is doing it to hurt you on the first place, you telling him you are hurt will only give your power away to him more. you will usually end up getting more hurt.

    i’ve done the feeling thing with one of my exes, it ended really bad. men like this just won’t or can’t or aren’t CAPABLE of handling other peoples’ feelings, that’s why sharing your feelings with this type of men will only make you feel worse about yourself. remove yourself from the situation and from him altogether is the only way to feel better.

    thank you for the post rori,

  152.  #152Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    ABC – Feeling Messages must be a way of life for you. That’s how to work it. And that’s how you KNOW if people are not fit to be around you, because they trample on you. And then you go away from them. This way, you get to keep your heart open as much as possible, and never, ever shut down. Sometimes, at work, let’s say, or in dealing with an ex because you have to because of children…you can use feeling messages but stand far away from them. And your feeling messages can be “don’t wants.” Vulnerability and authenticity are not negotiable, but they have different words, and boundaries and inner strength take care of the rest. I have heard of women who’ve escaped death at the hands of violent criminals by dropping down into their vulnerable, compassionate selves rather than their vulnerable fear selves. Amazing what powerful creatures we are. I myself experienced being able to stall my attacker and be treated well by him by talking from my feelings – and then got the brunt of his anger and his fist when I acted from my anger — you never know what you can do…Love, Rori

  153.  #153ABC on September 25, 2009 at 12:42 am

    thank you Rori, for reading what i have to say and also for your wonderful comments, ever since you told me to “find my own way that can relate to a man” I’ve been trying really hard to understand why I’m attracting to people that are bad for me (if you haven’t read my comment, it’s above rori’s comment) and now i am starting to feel like may be i can attract a good man and he can feel attracted to me too.

    everyone else on this blog who’s suffering a miserable relationship with a toxic man, my heart goes out to you and hopefully you will find Rori’s program and start to learn, grow, and expand yourself, so that you can have a breakthrough in your life.

    when i first attending the seminar, i had no idea what it meant when Rori said, “if you go out with a guy and getting to know him, you may not like him, but if you give it time to know him, and after you find out why you don’t like him, you will be so grateful that he’s the last jerk you will ever feel attracted to.” Now i finally start to feel that way–it took me 9 months to be exact.

    i hope you will read my story Rori and everyone else on this blog.

    I had been dating after i got back from the seminar, but i kept attracting guys that are not suitable for me. so I decided to stop dating, and just allowed myself to interact with men from everywhere–like Rori said, you can’t play basketball well just by watching it on TV, and same thing goes with men, you can’t be good with men just by reading the program.

    because i am a business student, i am surrounded by a lot of men. I get to interact with all types of men all the time–the toxic men, the ” i am very arrogant” men, the feminine men, narcissistic men…you name it, i’ve met. Not long ago, I got to interact with a very toxic man–he came on very strong, tried to offer a lot of things right away, and acted very immature when he didn’t get my attention. i used to attract this type of men like crazy, so i knew right away something was wrong, but i was attracted to him, although he hurt my feelings. instead of acting extra nice, i did something totally different this time–i did’t try to tell him what he did wrong, instead of going into my head and analyze why he hurt me, i just simply removed myself from the whole situation—this time i ACTUALLY can pinpoint what happened that upset me–he was flirting with the another girl just to make me jealous. I KNEW i wasn’t crazy.

    So I shifted my focus, i was too obsessed with him. and it didn’t FEEL good anymore. I didn’t run away, i still had to work with him in an organization, but i no longer am investing my feelings in this man. It feels good to give it time for a man to show his true color. like my friend always said “what is the rush???” At the same time, someone else showed up—He is the opposite of this toxic guy. He’s approachable, genuine to everyone, although we are just friends now, but i know deep down this is the type of men i want to be with—he made me feel sooo secure, and it feels so good to be around him, no INTENSITY feelings, but i can be myself, and feel like i am protected and respected.

    go back to the question i still had in the beginning “why was i always attracted to toxic men?” I have the answer now–i didn’t go out and choose which men I’m attracted to, i didn’t know that i have a choice–because i was always the girl who’s waiting to be chosen. and Because i look shy, men that are outgoing, narcissistic, controlling etc are attracted TO me, so they approach me first, and then i feel INTENSIFIED and important, and i thought i was IN LOVE. I thought WRONG.

    in psychology, they say when children grow up in an environment where there’s lack of healthy love and nurture, they grow up thinking what feels good (often times intensity) must be good for them. eating fast food feels good, but it’s not good for our health, feeling intensified and chemistry towards a man who hurt us(on purpose), it’s the worst thing we can ever do to ourselves.

    I am getting to know a couple men better and better on a daily basis–because we are either in the same class or same organization. I am not rush for anything. the man i initially felt attracted to, i am no longer attracted to him, instead, i am feeling very turned off by him as i get to know him more–controlling, immature…guys that i originally thought as “boring” or “arrogant” or “feminine” start to show their personality–funny, decent, and Masculine. i must have been so judgmental from the beginning.

    i am open to everyone now–except the ones who don’t like me or who like to hurt me, i stay away from. I am opening my heart so that men can touch her, and i can touch theirs. i don’t know when i am going to be in a relationship again, i am not expecting anything, i am happy as if i already had someone who loves me. but i always remember what Rori said, “fountains water themselves, a man has to come to us to get the water he needs.” that’s how i want to feel whenever i am with a man. and i hope women on this blog can get out of the cycle of hurting and into the circle of love. love doesn’t have to hurt.

    love all your comments and coaching rori

  154.  #154Flipper on September 25, 2009 at 1:35 am

    Wonderful insights, ABC, thanks for sharing. – I hope everyone manages to see it back here (maybe put a link or copy it in a more recent post?) hugs

  155.  #155l on March 31, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    i tried this today. my guy’s been sort of hostile and seems haughty towards me. i let him bring up the distance that’s been created between us. he texted me in the middle of the night, asking what was up. i told him i felt some hostility from him. it turns out he was hurt and confused by my leaning back and making plans with other people over the past few weeks and that he wants me to TELL HIM HOW I FEEL more often. amazing!

  156.  #156Rori Raye on April 1, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Brava I!!! We’re so afraid of “making a man angry” – we tread ever-so-lightly and completely dismantle his attraction for us in the process. Anger is GOOD!! It’s passionate emotion he’s feeling around us. We’re frustrating him and not making it EASY for him to have just exactly what he wants…we are taking care of US – regardless of whether or not it pleases HIM. AND — as “I” discovers here – it opens up communication on a much deeper level. Love, Rori

  157.  #157l on May 5, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Hi Rori!

    a quick update: over the past month things have been pretty up-and-down, with everything coming to a head this weekend. we had a series of rounds over a few days. at the beginning i did slip back into defensiveness and blaming, which i feel yucky about now, but as we went on he actually said (out of nowhere) that he is tired of living alone and that he is frustrated that we don’t eat and sleep together every night. then he said he was frustrated that he didn’t feel like ‘we aren’t any closer to getting married and having kids’!! he seemed so angry. then, after the tension subsided, he made me an amazing meal and we had the most passionate sex in months (which we’ve had every night in a row since!).

    wow. this coming from the mouth of a former ladies man and professional football player. and i’m a quirky artist-type, the highschool weirdo. this is really amazing, even if i feel embarassed for being so raw.

  158.  #158Riley on October 21, 2010 at 4:04 am

    Hi, JNB!

    Would you also please forward the e-letter, “Turn your Boy Into A Man”? I pretty sure my husband is just that–A big, immature men. Ugh. I’m starting to REALLY resent him and I’m afraid that sooner or later the love I have for him, will change into pure hatred. Oh, and um Rori i’m still waiting for your reply on one of the post comments. Btw, JNB, my email address is: riley.h.valentine@live.com. Oh, and I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone in my difficult situation. I just feel really lonely, lately and there’s only so many times I can rely on family and friends–I hate bringing them all down with me, in this. So any feedback comments would be truly appreciated, ladies! ๐Ÿ™‚ thanks!

    Love, Riley

  159.  #159JNB on October 21, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I’m really sorry, Riley. I no longer have the email. Maybe Rori will circulate it again.

    Take care,

  160.  #160Riley on October 21, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Oh, no problem, JNB. I’ll search my folder in hotmail. I’m pretty sure I have it somewhere! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks, JNB!

    Take care,

  161.  #161Lena on November 16, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Hallo, Rori!

    I am new here and didnt know where to write my question. I feel this article reflects the problem in my “relationship”.

    I dont know if I am or not in relationship with a guy for a year. Things started very well – very “soulmaty” but I think I did some mistakes that made him be afraid to open to me and it turned up all cycle of “unfortunate events”. We met each other after painful relationships that we had. I felt a bit it was rushed, I wanted some distance. Than I got way too much of it… He suddenly started to be sick, busy, too preoccupied. I felt there is smth not right in all this. But when I was asking him about it – he would give me a reasons that he needs to pass exams, get his life together, he is really busy… I dont think it was all it but what was that – I still dont know… I wanted him to explain whats going on and I was very mad at him that he desnt give me a clear answer – sort of – doesnt let me close nor let me go. I was attempting to see and meet other man – just to get my attention off him – but I always missed him so much. It felt so safe and goos with him as if I found HOME. I was very mad at myself that everytime he would show up – I will just roll with the ball – it felt good just to be with him. I am afraid to say if I loved him or not but I think at that time I did a lot. I miss him. And tend to think I did smth to turn him away. But than – his ex pictures were there since the start and they still are around, than she manifested herself physically sort of friends while she has another bf now… He could be gone for weeks with no contact than appear like nth happend. All my messages, letters would be ignored… I started to be very plastic and not myself with him… There were so much pain in this I changed a lot for the worst. I dont understand why he keeps all this distance, what holds him back or is not letting him answer me – its over! in a sirect manner, still calling me – my love… I am pretty sure he was seeing some other ladies but gives me all that busy working stuff. He sais he needs to find his stability, put feelings on hold. Actually he is like asking me to wait but he doesnt give me any solid ground like how long it would be, any indications. Yet, when I move to other guys – just even simply flirting – I feel guilty! I feel bad! He was telling me before that he is afraid to tell that he loves me and afraid to do a mistake… As of now I dont know what to do. I got really mad at him recently and told him that I hate him… Hate him for being halfway there… I dont buy all his busy stuff… Looks like its over now? I am pretty sure he thinks I didnt understand or wanted to listen to him again. Yet – there have to be some compromise in relationship, right? Its suppose to be both ways. Not just me sitting here, waiting untill he will come to his feet or whatever with no male contact (I forgot when I had sex already!), while he is not interested in whats going on with my life, no help, no support… What is all this? Why I have it and what it tells me – I just dont know.

  162.  #162JNB on November 21, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Hi Lena. I know your question is for Rori, but I have to ask you… do you think a man that loves you would treat you like this? I’ve had a man in the past treat me exactly like this…. and in the end, he wouldn’t let go of me out of fear of being alone. He didn’t love me… he was always looking for someone else when he could’ve had me (even though it was always disguised as, “I’m busy… I’m ill… I’ve got too much to worry about right now”). It was a hard reality to face, but in the end, I realized, it was not a real relationship. And as soon as I moved on, he wanted me back. Luckily, I’d found someone who treated me well by that time and I wasn’t about to give that up to go back to that way of being treated. Because in all honesty, if I hadn’t had someone else, I would’ve given him another chance. The best advice is Circular Date. And if this guy really wants you, make him step up. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t want you. Don’t believe the words. Believe the actions.

    Best of luck to you!!!

  163.  #163Lena on November 22, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Hallo JNB!

    Thank you for your letter.

    I dont think that a man who would TRULY love me would act all this way. Yet, there was the time when he was a wonderful boyfriend – he was always with me. He was a true gentleman.

    (Am I still in denial here? Haha!)

    Funny thing about Circular Dating. I am seeing other man – I seem to attract them, interesting to them – but there is always some kind of tension and distance (I believe on my side). I started to use more of Leaning Back thing, etc. But at some point I get sooo mad at them I just blew it all off… I mean I say such things in anger I am surprised myself… I wast like that before! At the slightest hint that the guy is just “playing” – doesnt want to commit and just want to have fun – I blow so hard on them! I understood I am simply very very angry inside. Any tips even where to start? I am a nice person, interesting conversations, etc. But at some point its like smth snaps and I blow the whole thing on them.

  164.  #164JNB on November 23, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I think this is where you start being more mindful of your emotions… not letting everything build up to an explosion, but really paying attention to your responses to things and using a feeling message (even if it’s just in your own dialogue within your mind– which is where I started practicing my feeling messages first). As emotions come in and you process it and then express it while it’s still small, you start to move away from explosive bouts of anger, into more of “It feels bad to not get a phone call I was expecting” and “I don’t like waiting. I feel unimportant.” … and these exchanges stay small and don’t build up anymore. They also don’t escalate into arguments because you aren’t blaming anyone for your feelings, either. I hope I’m making sense when I explain it like that. It’s being patient with yourself… really getting to know yourself. It truly is a wonderful journey, finding out what you really feel and who you are instead of just exploding. I was just like that too. I was stuffing down what was bothering me and then when the dam burst, it took who was ever there down with it. A lot of times I didn’t even know WHY I was angry!! And then I started recognizing the anger when it first arrived…and I would ask myself, “Why am I angry?” and I would try to answer myself with another feeling, because anger is just a cover for something else. A lot of times it was, I feel hurt. Then I asked myself, “Why do I feel hurt?” and most often, I found out that the anger I had came from a hurt from my past and didn’t have anything to do with my man, who is where I was feeling my anger at. I hope this makes sense.

    These days, it is not uncommon for me to tell my boyfriend, “I feel cranky and feel like crying” and he’ll ask me why and if I don’t know why, I tell him I don’t know, and he knows that I either need to be left alone, or I need some love and attention from him. Often times he will ask me what I want, which makes me feel very loved.

    Sometimes he gets carried away with what he wants to do and doesn’t take me into consideration, and I can say to him, “I feel unimportant.” And he’ll ask me why and he doesn’t get angry when I say I don’t want to do what he wants to do, and he finds a compromise for us. You really open up a relationship when you start trusting your feelings and trusting your man with them. A really good man will care about your feelings… and he’ll want to see you happy. And the best man of all will want to be the reason you are happy :-)… (Of course, you don’t ever let him be the reason you’re happy… you have enough interest and love for yourself to be happy with him or without him ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I’m sorry I rambled, but I’ve learned to much from Rori’s teachings that when I start talking about it, I gush.

    Read the blog as much as you can and listen to the Sirens using their feeling messages and their speeches… the feeling messages start to make more sense when you see them in example… and then practice them on EVERYBODY. Practice them on your parents, practice them on your kids, practice them on the clerk at the grocery store… and watch your feminity come alive. You are a feeling being. You are meant to have feelings. You will grow by leaps and bounds when you start understanding why you have each feeling and finding a mature and calm way to express them without blaming anyone else for them.

    Best of luck to you on your journey, Lena!

  165.  #165Lena on November 23, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Hi, J!

    Thank you for your answer. I cant have Siren as of this moment – I live in Phils – I am concerned with delivery, but I downloaded a book… By the way – if some admins reading this – it would be great to have Siren in a format one can download (videos, voice) after payment…

    I think I grasped the concept of feeling messages you described but aint it like you will be constantly feeling smth? I am feeling hurt and angry most of the time – if I will channel it all out – noone will stay with me… I mean how would you like to be with a person who constantly sais – I feel hurt, unimportant, lonely, etc, etc… I feel I am blocked at that part – I mean I tried to channel it in a way I could (I tried) and the guy grew apart from me almost instantly… I feel this, I feel that… Will it work?… If I will be constantly telling to guy about what I feel he will think I am moody… Actually I am so negative now – noone even can stand me now and I cant stand people – I push them away right away… Even my friends females – I cant connect to them anymore and I feel angry at them too.

    I understand (with my head) that all my troubles are from the past… Actually from the formation of very low self esteem. Its like I will feel jelous because I will compare and think I am not good enough… My question and problem is – what to do with those pain spells, anger spells in the moment – when I just stand there, could barely breath with almost my body shaking and tears in my eyes and all I can do is really either cry or run and cry or just say smth so so bad to a person?… It feels right only when I can express it but obviously its either the way I channel it is very damaging (even if I dont shout or smth) or the people I am with really dont care…

  166.  #166JNB on November 24, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Lena, yes, you will always be feeling something… because in every moment you ARE feeling something.

    I’m certain the people in your life do care about you, Lena, but maybe they pull away because they feel helpless to help you with your anger. Maybe your anger is a problem better treated with therapy. Maybe you’re in a rut and need to find things to be happy and grateful for. I wish I could help you. I don’t want you to feel alone.

  167.  #167Lena on November 24, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Thank you, J:)

    I read one technique – I read it at Roris newsletter – to stop at the moment of feeling angry and acknowledge it that I do. The other my mom recommended – she also said to stop and literally stop…

    I am angry mostly coz things are not “my way”. Its not that I am pushy but i feel like what i want is so not important to other people and I never get what i relly want. The other things – small one – angry with the changes in my body due age – I am angry i cant do anything about it. I am angry that I am getting old, unattractive, for making bad choices and all those kind of things…:)

  168.  #168JNB on November 25, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Lena, I am right here with you. I am angry at all those things too. I totally understand. I am 41.

  169.  #169Lena on November 26, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Hi, J:)

    Thank you…

    Yesterday I was surfing the net (one of the social networks) and found his picture with the group of people and a girl, hugging him:) He disappeared for a month now with no defined answer… I was trying to contact him and to get his attention all this “silent treatment” period… So there… It was posted exactly that week when I was writing about my feelings to him with no answer. I must say I got used to such things so much it didnt really hurt that much but I definately feel sad. I wrote him that I know now how he really feels about me, that I feel stupid to tell him about my feelings while he had someone and asked to forget all about it. He brought her to the place he promised to bring me… I dont know how is it possible to say – i love you to someone and just after two weeks go somewhere with someone else… What kind of love is that?

    Now I feel scared – I am scared that I will never find someone better… I feel old and unattractive, abondoned… I was always a center of attention, beautiful, everybody liked my bubbly personality. And I am not like this anymore – all this what I had with him dragged for more than a year and its like it sucked all the best out of me… The scary part is- maybe he really never cared and all this relationship was in my head and I am so mad at myself too… I am not that nice anymore – I am just like…different person. And its scary coz I dont like that person… You know – I think I was finding him all the excuses simply coz he really treated me good at the start so I constantly felt guilty – like I ruined it all with him, I feel jelous that he would treat like that someone else but not me and I am scared on reasons I described above – noone will ever love me like I am right now…

  170.  #170JNB on November 27, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Lena, the man I dated before my current boyfriend, the one I mentioned before, treated me exactly like this, and, like you, when I was emailing him and telling him my feelings about him, he was out with another girl (always telling me he was sick or busy with work). I figured it out when this girl started playing him and he expressed his frustration on the social networking website he had a profile on. So, know it is true when I tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m 41 years old, and like you, felt my beauty (inner and outer beauty) was slipping away from me. Before my failed marriage, I could’ve had most any man I wanted…. and when I started dating after my divorce, I realized that men at 40 years old are not any more emotionally mature than when I was dating in my 20’s. You must also understand that you are attracting treatment that you think you deserve. You are telling me you feel “old, unattractive, and abandoned”, that “no one will love me”. You must change your perception of yourself to change what you are bringing into your life. Start treating yourself with love. Be patient with yourself. Find things in life that interest you and that you love and focus on those things. Forget about men and concentrate on yourself. Take yourself on dates. Treat yourself how you want to be treated… act like a woman who loves herself. Fake it until you feel it. Imagine and pretend your life is exactly how you want it. There are many tools on the website to help you do that. Some of the Sirens started listening to romantic songs that portray a man singing about a woman he is in love with. Find a song like that for you and believe that man is singing to YOU. Start believing you are worthy of love and the best treatment imaginable. Imagine many men being in love with you and chasing you and believe it’s true. These are the first steps I took towards being the me that I now love, who has a man who adores me more than I thought any man could. If I can do it, so can you, Lena. Start by taking wonderful care of yourself. Start eating foods that are good for you and taking vitamins. Start exercising your body and your face (Google Carole Maggio or facial exercise… these exercises really do work!! I am told I look ten to fifteen years younger than my actual age!!). Use your imagination to live right now how you really want to live. Pretend you already have the man, beauty, whatever it is you want. The more you convince yourself, the quicker it will happen for you. And take every opportunity to Circular Date, and do it without emotionally investing yourself in an outcome with any man. Let them prove themselves to you before you let your emotions deepen. Remember, you already have everything you want; therefore, they have to be worthy to come into your life to change anything. Lena, the power is in your mind. Dwelling on anger and loneliness will only bring yourself more of the same. Remember this. Rori suggests making lists of things you like to do for those instances when you start to feel crazy over men. Turn to your lists if you feel too overwhelmed to rechannel your energies on your own. I would also advise you to start journalling, and making your own lists of the things about yourself that you love. If you don’t have any, write down the qualities you would have if you were the person you want to be. “I am funny and I amuse people”, “I am compassionate, and people turn to me for comfort and advice”, “I treat others well and with respect”, etc.

    You can do it, Lena. I am here to support you when and as best as I can. Like I said, if I can do it, so can you.

    With love,

  171.  #171Lena on November 27, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you, J, so much…:)

    I just turned 30 but I feel like and old fart and I feel like a age by days not years.

    J, why would they do such things?… My guy was telling me that he loves me… He was telling me that I am his soulmate… He was telling me – I have to take a good care of myself so I can see our children grow… I know whole his family. I am the godmother of his sisters son… I am not norturing a hope here – no. It very obvious – its not love. But WHY a guy would act like that? Saying he is busy, not giving clear answer and still saying – i love you?… While I keep on seeing either the pics of ex or some other girls around and its on facebook! Everyone can see it! Its funny coz he always sais – its WORK RELATED:) I mean its just ridiculous – he has time to bring that girl with some japs out but he has no time TO CALL ME:) He is confusing me terribly.

    After I wrote all that to him – I wished him all the best with his life – I turned off my cell! Its really hard. Coz before I would still write smth for days just making myself more miserable. I dont know why I am so addicted to him! But I am so tired of all this negativity! It just have to stop. I understood that I am so scared to get old and die simply because I dont have much happy moments in my life to bring with me! Its like wasting the time all the time in some cycle, where only me gots hurt. I turned it off – because I am scared to receive another explanation, halfblaming me for mistrust, etc. That he explained so many times what he is doing and that he doesnt know what to do or say when I am angry. Its just always turned out that way that I did smth wrong… And I am not strong enough. I have to get out of there…

    I guess it will be a bit of faking… Coz I dont feel all what you write as of this moment. I do remember how it feels though – light, beautiful:) It is amazing you mentioned Carol coz I found the facebuilding materials just weeks ago:) I want to go to yoga. I feel like I ve been sick for a very long time! On the inside.

    Thank you so much for your kind words, J – it means SO MUCH to me now.


  172.  #172hedi on March 25, 2011 at 1:17 am

    dear rori
    i have a problem with this massage feeling. in my experience when i am talking about my feeling the other part (my partner or even my female friends) always go for taking good advice for resolving my bad feelings, and it just makes it worse! even it is my problem when I hear the other part bad feeling. giving good advice don’t feel good but it is the first thing we do most of the time. of course i try to do not do that but mostly this is the common awful approach among the people.
    with love

  173.  #173Em on September 6, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Dear Rori,

    The other week I argued with this man, well it turned out I triggered him and I got defensive and argued back on phone, yet it shown me some deep wounds now that are shifted. We argued over phone he hung up a few times but last time I hung up on him and sent him a txt with feeling messages in it. How do you reconnect with someone when you’ve both argued each other and said feelings? Do you just let time pass and continue to focus on yourself? Yes I know I overfunctioned a few times, now but it was less than I ever done before! Well here is the txt I sent when I was feeling so angry just after the conversation of pushing each others buttons!

    I think if you didn’t come over and do the show and loose money and that was anything to do with me, I feel gutted at the stupidity of that! I feel angry and upset by what others have said and now what you must think of me! Yes I thought about how the relationship could work and that I could travel easily to you and that I chose to be with you over others, I am never sorry for even thinking that! But now I feel stupid about that and sad I go things wrong by listening to what you were saying! * I feel upset sad angry that am thought of as a little girl when I am a woman that was doing her living and just requiring some answers when all I got was confusion! Yes you got your freedom and yes no more calls! I feel angry and hurt about you being angry and telling me that I am crazy or psycho stalker as put. *1 For me opening my heart to love and express love is seen as too much or crazy how can that be! I feel that I am too good and worthy of much more, that is never crazy! I wanted answers I got them thankyou! Its good to have those who care even if they make things out different than the way I was there but they chose to be that way when I was being polite! I feel bad or what you say of their impressions of me and angry that none could say anything apart from behind my back! I feel angry at that I am not listened to and misunderstood by them and you for the way it has appeared to be! I am feeling fucking angry and disapointed let down!

    I know I over did it and attacked slightly with that txt
    * is about his friends well some of the women their saying I was behaving like a little girl following them, I was talking to some at this show and others were ignoring me, the men spoke with me and others were fine with me, yet he tells me that some made me out to be stalker, erm he wasnt even their! which goes to answer the *1 also, others his friends opinions without even speaking to me most were the women who had an issue, most of the men were chatty or would if it wasnt for their partners!

    So I know I was defending myself so was he on the convo on phone but also I kinda attacked here a bit mixed with feelings! But I feel bad about over-reacting and being triggered so emotionally which he heard on phone whilst trying to do feeling messages but I didnt lean back, I know as he mentioned about worrying about distance from a previous relationship and all was like ok thats strange we just met lets meet and have fun again, but he went serious figuring things out before much more and thinking long term I wasnt there until he mentioned if I see you again I will want to see you more and more! So I left him with that txt and focusing on myself, yes I know I should circular date but thats not me whom I am, I go with flow but I dont have a social life its uncomfortable and I find going out boring and only connect to some people I feel energy I have something in common with them, as I am very sensitive being! Yes I am trying to stop being a doer and just flow more, but I dont want to leave the convo like that attacking him at all for what he triggered in me with those past wounds! Thanks for reading!

  174.  #174Jen on February 4, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I’ve just downloaded and read the book Having the relationship you want. And came here to find more information to help me.

    This situation is one that I’ve had to deal with on a regular basis. Even the smallest thing was taken defensively and way out of context. It slowly turned me into a very angry bitter woman. I noticed that I was living in both the masculine and feminine energy. I didn’t even recognize myself. But since then I have taken steps toward changing me. A daily effort but I feel happier now than I have in years.

    Still very new (1 day ) to this shift in expression ( feminine energy ) and identifying my feelings. I saw so much of myself and current situation in the posts between Lena & JNB. I don’t know if those ladies still read these posts, but I’d like to send them hugs & kisses. Their dialog helped me put thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t find words for in perspective.

    I look forward to reading more to help me along the way. I’m feeling hopeful. The only section in the book, after reading it 2 times, that left me confused was the Overfunction.
    Has anyone else had trouble with this?

    The journey begins………

  175.  #175hedi on February 5, 2012 at 2:45 am

    marvellous! but what can I do when I feel I am a toxic person too? same attract the sam you know!

  176.  #176Indigo on September 17, 2012 at 4:04 am

    Hi Rori

    (first time posting! ๐Ÿ™‚ )Wow, this is powerful stuff.

    I’ve been reading your stuff around hidden anger in a relationship, and I knew I had a lot in mine. And it is amazing, it is exactly as you say. As I got better and more comfortable at expressing my feelings, so this anger and rage started coming out of my boyfriend. Several displays of anger over the last 2 weeks, the likes of which I have never seen in a relationship before.

    My question is, directly after an extreme display of anger yesterday, my boyfriend seems depressed and sad, and when I asked him he even admitted this was what he was feeling. He even seems contrite. Is this part of the process? Will it get better? I was really worried because of the way things were before that I would have to leave him. And now I really don’t know what to make of all of this, I just hope for intimacy and closeness again.