Unwinding Compensatory Torque For Your Love Life

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naked-torsoRemember the conversation we had about “compensatory torque”? I’d love to get back to it.

As I unwind the compensatory torque of my body I can also feel an unwinding of the emotions that are bound up in the tension I’ve been holding in those places all these years.

As I do a new physical process that involves strength and flexibility, it feels like the cells of my body are being released. It feels like more energy – an energy of my own — is becoming available to me, and it feels like something old is coming to the surface, complete with emotions.

Now here are some of the things that we normally do to correct physical issues in our body (and I’ll focus on the physical here for a moment):

We focus on strength.

This sounds great doesn’t it? And it was the very first thing that I focused on. I was was told that if I was able to strengthen my body I would feel less unbalanced and things would work themselves out.

The only problem is — I was strong. Only I was strong in all the wrong places. Isn’t this exactly what we’re talking about with “Strong Surrender”? Strong on the inside and soft on the outside — when actually we’re doing it in the reverse – strong on the outside and soft on the inside?

We have big muscles and we have small muscles and we have fascia and we have all kinds of elements in our body that work together and hold us up. The easy part is to strengthen the big things. To strengthen the big muscles. And when we work out, most of the time that is what we’re doing — strengthening the big muscles. It’s in the smaller muscles that the inbalance is happening.

And to make it even more interesting, there often are stuck places in the muscles called “trigger points.” (isn’t that a nice label for the work were doing?)

The trigger points sort of lock up the muscle and pretty much make it not work. The trigger points shorten the muscle, tighten the muscle and what happens is we just stop using them. We stop using the small muscles that are supposed to be doing a certain job — like lifting our leg or operating our arm — and instead we go by default to the big muscle.

This is why you may have back pain even though your abs are really strong. Because they’re a lot more muscles involved in holding up your spine than your abs. All kinds of small muscles.

Isn’t this the same with our daily lives? We emphasize our competence instead of our feelings? Our abilities instead of our vulnerabilities? We value the wrong things, so much of the time?

And even more than that, and here’s were getting into some really interesting stuff — in our female bodies, there is the “pelvic floor.”

There are all kinds of muscles in and around the pelvic floor. And all the strength from your body starts at the pelvic floor.

So if we’re all tight and tense in there, we’ll be out of balance throughout our bodies. (Just as, if we’re all tight and tense in one part of our thinking and feeling, we’ll throw everything else out of balance, too.)

In my body for instance, the whole right side of my pelvic floor was completely non-operational. I couldn’t even feel it. It was like it was canceled. So all the muscles on the left side of my body just sort of took over. And then everything on both sides of my body tried to make up for what was not going on in my pelvic floor.

There are lots of reasons why your pelvic floor may not be operating the way it should. Trauma is a big one. Sexual abuse. An accident. Mentally and being told over and over again that sex is bad. Pain — perhaps from an illness or an accident or an in-expert man having in-expert sex with you.

I’d like to feature here the person who’s helped me tremendously. She’s a genius at understanding and working through the “anatomy train” of your body. She’s also selfless, ego-less, and only about your success. Her name is Kelly Ann Colbert, she’s in Culver City on the Westside of Los Angeles, and she uses techniques from Pilates, Gyrotonics, Thai Yoga and physical therapy.

I really want to recommend her to you if you’re in Los Angeles anywhere. Here’s her e-mail address — Kelly.Colbert@mac.com. (And here’s her picture so you can see how sweet and brilliant she is — and you can find her on Facebook, too)kelly

***So let’s get back to how compensatory torque works in your love life, and how we can unwind it and retrain your mind, heart, spirit and your body so it works in an effortless, flowing, easy, thrilling and creative way.

You can’t be a ballerina and use your shoulders for the job that your calves need to do. You can’t hold yourself up with your back muscles because your pelvic floor is not working and move with ease and lightness.

So, I’m going to give you a really simple physical exercise I do (I’m going to tell you how I do some of it, then how you can take it further, because I’m not a doctor or physical therapist and don’t want to be prescribing something like this for you): I get out a tennis ball (I use this for a lot of different things), find a chair — a hard wooden chair — and sit down, on the tennis ball, on the chair.

At first, it hurt, and it still does if I’m not careful, so I play with holding my weight with my arms.

AThis is about experimenting and exploring. I sit directly on the tennis ball right in that spot between your vagina and your butt. (It’s called the perineum.)

I move it all around, moving the ball in a circle around my “sit” bones. I pay attention to where I’m most sensitive, to where things feel tight or tense.

Now, there are many ways to work out the kinks that you find. And you don’t want to be brutal and you don’t want to be harsh and you don’t want to overwork it. This is your pelvic floor. This is a sacred place. You’re going to want to explore with your fingers some of the tender spots you found and gently massage them. Gently work them out.

I suggest you get something silky and slippery and work from the inside, too. Simply put your fingers up your vagina and feel for tense, stuck, painful places. Go ahead and massage them out, gently.

Most of us are out of balance. We use one side of our body more than the other, we raise one hip higher than the other, we stand on one foot more often than the other, we carry things the same way over and over. And this is how our bodies get stuck.

Just as you would want to unwind this pattern by doing things in different ways and using different muscles, finding out which muscles work for what, and massaging out the stuck tender trigger point places, you’d want to do the same thing with your emotions and the patterns of your love life!

If you’ve been doing the same thing for a long time — you have compensatory torque in your love life. And from here things just LOOK stuck. It’s hard to even see or imagine experiencing another way to be than the way you are. The way your love life IS — just feels so darned normal. Terrible, maybe — but normal.

And what we’re doing here is breaking down this idea of what normal is to you and getting a NEW normal. Stretching the edges of the kind of life you’re used to. Stretching the possibilities of how much you can actually be loved. Stretching how much wonderful stuff you can have in your life. Matching up your dreams and your visions with your reality.

And just like working with the body, this is going to take some attention from you. And just like working with the body it’s going to take some exercise. It’s gonna take some homework. It’s gonna take some feeling around, some massage, some exploration, some experimentation and yes, some elbow grease.

It’s also going to take some thought. It’s going to take thinking about a plan and following through with your plan. And it’s going to take being really really attuned to how things FEEL.

It’s a pretty magical thing learning to engage one muscle in your body when you’re used to using another one for the same thing. I have to close my eyes. I have to imagine where that muscle is, what it feels like to engage it.

That’s why Circular Dating works. That’s why all of these baby-steps and Tools work. Because they are about getting into different — new to you –muscles in your body. Ones you haven’t used much lately. Undoing compensatory torque is about resurrecting the power of muscles, fibers, nerves, impulses, energy patterns that have been left to wither. It’s about renewing a connection with parts of your body that have been ignored. Parts of your body that have gotten so tight and tense that they don’t work anymore.

Begin with your dreams, your spirit, and your power. It’s time to get reconnected to those parts of yourself that have been left to wither. You still have them. They’re still there. Now — let’s get them working!

Start with a tennis ball — use it on your feet, use it on your back, use it along with your fingers to explore and experiment, gently, all over your body.

Now imagine what it would be like to do the same for your heart, your dreams, and your emotions.

Imagine if you could massage the place where you’re stuck in the “blues,” and bring your joy back to life again! What if the blues are really just compensatory torque because your joy muscle is just not working anymore? What if none of this is your fault and this whole pattern got started at a moment where you had no power to decide whether it was going to change your life or not?

Well — you have the power now!

This is why I do not believe in the time line of healing that most people promote. I believe in the steps of grief and recovery. But I don’t believe they have a timeline attached.. I believe that you can have a horrific breakup — even a divorce after 20 years — and start healing yourself in ways you may never have thought of, like Circular Dating, in a week. This is not to say you’re going to feel fantastic in that first week or that first month or even that first year — at least not all the time.

I believe in time off, I believe in vacations, I believe in retreats, and I also believe that none of those things in themselves help heal you. It’s always what you do in the moment you’re IN that can help heal you and change your life.

So start now discovering your patterns — your physical patterns, your emotional patterns, the way you move, where you go, what you do. Notice what you’re doing that is stuck. That is holding you back. That’s running in a rut. That’s just digging your pattern deeper and deeper and deeper.

I wish I could send Kelly out to you all, and what I’ll do is just turn what I’m learning into something that can help us all in a big way.

Happy exploring, happy discovering, and please tell me what you’re finding out about your compensatory torque — where it is and the steps and baby steps and tools you’re using to unwind it. Don’t look for the “why” — just experiment and see what you find. Let me know!

Love, Rori

110 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on August 30, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Rori and all Sirens… researching stuff on bodywork and literal compensatory torque, I came across the very informative site (the info alone is amazing) of a man who has worked with many Olympic athletes as well as trauma victims. He works directly on the body as well as being able to do work on the phone. I have contacted him as at 50$ an hour for someone with so much experiences this seems truly a Godsend.

    http://www.backfixbodywork.com/Bodymind_Trauma_Release_Testimonials1.htm



  2.  #2Daria on August 30, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    I feel scared by the idea of having had ‘no power.’ My NV says it is no excuse. After the age of 7 or 8 you’re a fully formed human being who can take care of and should be able to take care of otehr people. What if you had brothers and sisters and your parents died. You should be able to take care of them.

    Obviously this is off. I guess at that age I decided to take care of everyone, including my parents.

    But there are kids who have had to take care of their family since a young age like that. I remember reading about a little boy who was 9 who did that. So I have to be just as strong. I have to be just as strong as the strongest human being i know or hear about, in all ways, because … ( ?I don’t know why.. maybe cuz i might have to use that strength in an emergency).

    This is a torque. But it rings true to me.

    T-tapp exercise http://www.t-tapp.com is all about building strength from the inside out, balancing and using the small muscles, especially the ones around the spine. Wonderful are Ladybug for balancing hormones and takes care of cramps in 2 minutes.

    Also Organs in place where u dip hands in belly and pull it in strenghthens pelvic floor.

    Now if only I could get to do them past 3 days in a row, i would have even better results, but I am here now instead of doing them in the hallway.

    Forum at http://www.t-tapp.com has so much info on any natural and health related stuff yu want, including EFT, thats where i first heard of it.

    Stop. hammer time. I think the first torque i spoke about is all i want in this post. I feel exicted about bodywork trauma release guy. So happy to see different paths to healing. Wowie.



  3.  #3tinque on August 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Great post!!!
    Oh yes and yes and yes, this is what my work is all about, the intense, inextricable connection of the physical and the emotional. How open the body is is directly related to how open the heart is. More specifically, the more soft and relaxed the muscles around the heart are, front and back, the softer and more relaxed the heart is. The softer and more open and relaxed the vagina is, from the labia all the way up past the cervix into the womb, the easier and bigger the orgasms. The more relaxed and open the solar plexus is, the greater the connection between the two, heart and vagina, and here is where profundity happens, when they work and play as one.
    I had SO much locked up in tension, compensatory torque everywhere. I worked very, very hard on all aspects. I now know instantly whenever I have an even unconscious negative thought, for I feel it immediately in my body as a tightness (which feels awful by the way). It usually shows up either in the solar plexus or around the heart. Sometimes it can be released at will; other times not. It depends how willing I am to release the negative thought.
    There are times when the tightness seems to take over my whole body much to my despair, yet I know it’s all part of healing. Something very deep was apparently triggered.
    xxoo



  4.  #4tinque on August 30, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    I love synchronicity. I put up a post that is about this subject as it relates to sex and orgasm today too.
    Enjoy.
    xxoo



  5.  #5Daria on August 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    omgosh this guy rocks. He just had me do about 2 hours of stretching on the phone for free!
    it was intense like a whole t-tapp workout
    yay!

    Im gona do trauma release tomorrow

    he told me to eat kelp and ito wakame seaweed from korean stores for more confidence

    so super synchronic



  6.  #6Daria on August 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    i had a metallic smell on me doing the workout and he said its toxins



  7.  #7Daria on August 30, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    the tightness in my front thighs is making my back and butt try to push out, then my top back kinda hunches over and my head has to lean back

    to compensate

    its like a zig zag

    i can totlly feel it now



  8.  #8alias girl on August 30, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    daria are you using rori’s blog to profit by making referrals for other people’s sites? I feel curious.



  9.  #9Daria on August 30, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    omgosh this is from his site and it is what happens (used to happen) to me, although I feel more in touch wiht my pelvis now

    One reason people have a hard time contacting the energies in the belly and lower down, on their own, is that much of the fear, even terror, that they had in the old experiences is located in the diaphragm, a little closer to the conscious forebrain than all this other stuff. So when the head tries to see it, the mind just “bounces off” the fear. In many people’s everyday life, the bouncing away is very unconscious, and they’ll get into denial, sorrow, hurt, anger or even confusion instead



  10.  #10alias girl on August 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    I don’t have a tennis ball but I am going to get one and try rori’s tennis ball exercise. I wish I had a tennis ball right now. rrrr. i guess i will actually have to take a shower now and go out and find me a tennis ball.



  11.  #11Daria on August 30, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    The process drains away the energy and simultaneously removes its “thoughts,” the ones that tell us we might be killed, or we’re going to be hurt, or we have to rush and push.

    Whoa … rush and push! thats what I DO!!! never realized it was a name for it… doing dishes, reaching for something, trying to get somewhere… i rush and push… sounds like a birth trauma

    wow!



  12.  #12Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    AG – No I am not. I feel angry at being accused of this. And actually if I were since I am looking into doing affiliate marketing I would feel fine doing it. I am giving out information that has helped me in my life. It would feel cool to profit from it (as soon as I release the anger and guilt about it).



  13.  #13Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    I am looking forward to doing the most intense and amazing releasing experience ever…

    this seems to be way deeper than EFT. I feel excited that I actually realized my anger as being a trigger.

    Also I felt much placated by AG saying I feel curious at the end of her question. Otherwise I would have felt outraged (again, i don’t want to apologize or excuse myself if I WERE to profit from the wonderful stuff I recommend that has helped me in my life).

    In fact I don’t want to feel guilty even if I decide to promote bullshit.

    yeah. I feel kinda good. I still feel whoa dizzy from the amazing stretches i did with that guy on the phone.

    I want to learn his method and heal the world.

    I am enough to heal the world.

    That was the belief I wanted to install and it is sounding much better already.



  14.  #14Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    I feel judged angry and furious. My NV says i must sound like a self centered idiot who is spamming the blog.

    I feel FURIOUS. I love my feelings. Wow I feel furious. It’s just a feeling caused by a trigger from a past trauma I am about to release when I work with this guy tomorrow.

    http://www.backfixbodywork.com/Neth-Reich_Typical_Session_Pt4.htm

    I feel like attacking. Grr… I feel defensive. Oh well.

    AG actually you asked me about the root chakra thing so I was gonna point you in particular to this guy.

    I think this is “the healing” for me. I feel glad and certain.



  15.  #15Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Dear NV… this might help somebody. yes I know no one wants to hear it. no one wants our wonderful help methods, not our parents, not our Godsister, no one fuckin wants them

    Thats ok nv, we are about to heal tomorrow and we will tehn feel much more relaxed and confident and able to get our ideas to people that we are offering them fuckin love and healing.

    phew. that feels calming.



  16.  #16Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Whoa I sound really passive agressive. There it is! I knew it was in there somewhere!



  17.  #17Daria on August 30, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    I feel furious and like posting compulsively!!! URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    super triggered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  18.  #18Erin on August 30, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Has anyone every heard of “The Work” and had any experience with it?



  19.  #19Ann on August 30, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Thank you Rori. I want to read this post several times. Tinque I’m also on my way to read your blog.

    Daria thank you for the link I want to check it out too.

    Hi Alias Girl I’m going to find me a tennis ball also.

    Good evening to all the sirens here. I will be getting off the computer within the next hour but I look forward to following this post from my mobile.



  20.  #20Daria on August 31, 2009 at 2:30 am

    Hi Ann Thank you!

    This is some kind of torque or something for me also…

    that is I am worried that when I do find something to share with people I don’t know how to be “heard” an so people get put off and are not interested…

    I also remember something from being young, when ?I was very eager and happy about it, and then I told other kids and they rolled their eyes at me like she’s weird. They were “too cool” and ‘mature’ to accept me expressing eagerness and joy … I felt shocked and humiliated

    This is also why I’m worried about not being good at selling stuff and getting tutoring clients.,.. for some reason my energy mostly consciously but also unconsciouly, seems to turn people off when I’m offering them stuff… The thought is “I’m too eager” or something



  21.  #21Daria on August 31, 2009 at 2:38 am

    Erin I have heard of the Work. I went to Barnes and Noble and online and downloaded some stuff. Then /I worked through one of the exercises. It really helped me to clear my panic in the moment. I did feel overwhelmed and gave up half way, but I did learn a mini version that I do in my head everynow and then:

    1. What is the thought that bothers you (ie.. my sister is going to die)

    2. Is this true? (no, or well… yes)

    3. Can you absolutely know that this is true ? (well no, she’s not here right now, anything really could happen)

    4. How do you feel, who are you when you have that thought?

    Tense, awful, hooked on thinking about it… etc this is where we write it out, thinking out

    5. How would you feel, who would you be without that thought?

    Wow I would feel relaxed, I would have more energy, I wouldn’t but my sister, etc

    (Don’t ‘try’ to let go of the thought)

    The turn around

    Change the thought by mirror flipping it all kinds of ways and finding at least 3 ways these new thoughts could be true … (makes wiggle room in your mind and your mind naturally releases it)

    1. I am going to die:

    well yes everyone does, I coudl get in a car accident, I might also be sick

    2. My sister is NOT going to die
    well she doesnt have to, shes not dead right now, she might suddenly decide to heal herself

    3. My “thinking” is going to die
    well yes if ?I let go of it, my thinking about it going to die, If i introduce a new thought i’s gonna die etc

    there are all kinds of turnarounds like.. “he hurt me” to “I hurt him” “I hurt me” “My thinking hurt me” “My thinking hurt him” “He did not hurt me”

    and so on.

    It’s great and I’;m sure with a facilitator it would be even better! Even on my own my mind did relax and let go of some very troubling obsessiv thoughts about my sister’s health



  22.  #22DocK on August 31, 2009 at 6:01 am

    Erin

    I also have looked into “The Work.”

    I found it helpful with a frienship gone awry. I found using it that I was able to release feelings of anger and being judged and condemned so that she and I are now able to have some level of friendship. I am clear, however, because of what I learned in this relationship breakdown, what my boundaries are with her and that I am willing to accept a friendship with her but not as it was.

    On the other hand, I cannot embrace it for all issues. I feel that there are some issues so deep that I just can’t apply the system to them. Just me.



  23.  #23Tracy on August 31, 2009 at 7:40 am

    I have a question not so related to exercise….
    I was feeling sad and i couldn’t make up why that was so i decided to meditate on it.I did EFT as well and i had flashbacks of my past when i was young and in boarding school and remembered how sad it felt for my parents to leave me….
    This guy i really like is withdrawing as well i remember feeling sad about it as well…are these two situations related?and how do i deal with that?……I am still feeling sad about it…not painfully sad but just blue about the whole situation…hugging the little girl from my past helps though…any thoughts?



  24.  #24Daria on August 31, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Tracy! in your subconscious they are… thats what happens to EFT, it brings out past memories that are “replaying” into our lives now… the thing to do is EFT the root event away, and that will clear the present day events too… tapping on the oldest event has more impact than the newer ones..

    also you can try calling the guy I posted about above, he does trauma release through the body that seems is deeper than even EFT



  25.  #25Mercedes on August 31, 2009 at 8:51 am

    Rori: I absolutely LOVE this post! I’ve been using yoga balls (pretty much the same as tennis balls…but these came with the yoga kit I bought) for quite a while. I’ve never used them as you describe above (but I will very soon). The interesting thing to me is that in all my words and actions, I tend to be very literal and very curious and very rational. In yoga…I never have been. I just use it with meditation and I know it works for me. What I find interesting with all the work I’ve done with the yoga balls, I never once wondered “why” they work so well…I just follow direction and do it (which is not something I normally would do). Now…before I even knew I had the questions, you have answered them! I love it! I know that I will find a renewed commitment to using them and my focus will be even sharper while I’m doing it now that I see “why” and “how” they work for me.

    For this entire post…thank you from the bottom of my heart!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  26.  #26Rori Raye on August 31, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Daria – Thank you for this…Love, Rori



  27.  #27Daria on August 31, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Ok so now you can click on my name and go to (one =D) of my business sites.

    Because there will soon be more.

    It is for tutoring math and English and also test prep. Feel free to contact me about anything like that. BTW I have been doing this for years and other than my freewriting on the blog I do know how to spell and use standard English grammar.

    Although personally I find school to feel stuffy and even opressive, not necessarily the stuff I would want to encourage my kids to do in the “spirit world” I live in. hehe.

    But um, they can still learn math and english grammar and test taking. Those things are FUN! Like doing Sudoku or crossowords, card or board games or dominoes, or even any kind of videogame.

    Please don’t fall for the hype that “youre not good at… xyz” . You just have a block. We can all do what we want to do really. yes my butt hurts saying this, thinking of my handicapped uncle. But still I say we can all do what we want to do because I want it to be true and so it is.



  28.  #28Daria on August 31, 2009 at 11:42 am

    the website that you will go to when clicking on my name is

    http://www.DSacademics.com

    Ag – I feel worried. I realize you may not have meant to trigger me. Perhaps you thought it was cool that I would possibly use Rori’s blog to profit from advertising peoples sites. Perhaps you didnt. Either way, I felt triggered, and I don’t want to take it out on you. Thank you for triggering me!



  29.  #29Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Daria! I love your site!! Congratulations on launching your business…I feel so excited for you, and inspired.

    Erin, I’ve done The Work, thework.com has some good free tools…I also have “I Need Your Love: Is That True?” by Byron Katie, and I found it helpful.



  30.  #30Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    On another note, I feel totally triggered by reading about the L.A. fires…I know Rori and Daria (I think?) and alias girl and a few others including a college friend live out there; I hope you’re all okay…I have to stay off Huffington Post for a while I guess.



  31.  #31alias girl on August 31, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    i still haven’t gotten the tennis ball so i haven’t tried this yet. i feel weird sticking my fingers in myvagina and massaging places.. i don’t know why i would feel weird. it’s my body and i feel good to masturbate. ooh i feel very exposed writing this. anyhoo i really like this post. i feel triggered sometimes when i respond to a man via text or email and i am being serious and i feel disrespected and i use feeling messages to express my feelings (trying not to use the word disrespected. somehow i’ve got it in my head that ‘s a male trait but now i feel angry just writing that. it seems All people want to be respected not just males. so maybe i will stop compensating and just use the word i mean. disrespected.) anyway i also use humore alot and then i’ll write my feelings and all they respond is

    LOL.

    that’s it. i feel like vomitting. i am going to tell them that next time. it’s happened with three different men. two who immediately went to a sexual place and one with my ex.i feel VERY TRIGGERED. i am going to eliminate my humor from my feeling messages when i feel DISRESPECTED. because it is not funny to me. and i don’t want the only response to be

    LoL rrr.

    i feel like i could punch someone in their forehead. not sure why i feel so triggered. it triggers my hatred for the male species in a instasecond. probably triggering old trauma with being sexually mistreated, disrespected and then laughed at and not being taken serious. uhhh ya think?



  32.  #32Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I also spoke too soon because I logged onto my match.com account and this guy who lives in BIsmarck ND wants to come to my town to take me out to dinner. He’s 38, and coming on really strong, and if he shows up here to take me out I’m going to feel really weird and scared and obligated. I feel weird…this other guy wants me to come visit him at the State fair this weekend…and I don’t want to…I don’t feel interested in any of these guys online, I don’t CARE about e-mailing them what my favorite books are, blah blah blah…BORING. I DON’T want to effing do this!!! Grr…I feel really pissed at this whole process. Rori wrote that the less you tolerate the better quality of guy shows up, well, can I just NOT tolerate boring fat guys who I have nothing in common with? Is that helpful? Do I HAVE to say okay, mr. North Dakota, drive two hours to take me to dinner if you want even though you are WAY too old for me and have NO chance with me because I live 2 hours away and IF you think you’re going to have some young girl as a weekend fling who lives 2 hours away like that’s a benefit for you THINK AGAIN ASSHOLE. Wow, I feel really angry, and I don’t know why. I don’t understand that….I feel really scared thinking about men driving 2 hours to take me out, it feel like, ugh, too much and I don’t want to feel obligated to kiss them or even hug them if I don’t want to…weirdness…



  33.  #33Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I feel really sad and frustrated and annoyed. And disappointed. And kind of bored. And I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I see Daria just charging ahead and I feel so happy for her, but also like, well, why can’t I figure it out? I just feel so unsure about what I want to do…why can’t I see my own path? I just feel apathetic about everything, writing, photography, fashion, editing, teaching, because I talk myself out of things whenever I feel excited about something that’s out of my approved zone of suitable careers. My parents think I should really “do well” at this company (i.e. kiss ass?) so I can get transfered somewhere cool and that I should just be happy to have a “j-o-b” like my dad spells it out which feels super annoying to me; why does it HAVE to be starve in the street and don’t have health insurance OR swallow your enthusiasm for life and do boring technical writing for a career? I DON’T want to accept that life is that way. I feel despairing…I love my despair, it’s probably my most constant, most uncomfortable emotion…just black, inky despair. I love my despair, it’s just a signal that things are not going the way I want…I keep going into it and it just kind of meanders on…I wish something could just pop up and soon; I want to have a purpose and a trajectory, and that would feel the opposite of despair; I wouldn’t feel lost, I would feel more sure of myself, and that would feel much better, like I could have SOMETHING figured out if at least the relationship stuff isn’t figuring itself out for me…and I feel like it WON’T for me, because I feel sooooo behind everyone else, like emotionally remedial or something. I feel like retreating into my shell but I don’t want to….I want to feel open and loose like tinque talked about….that would feel much better and I want to feel unafraid to look at my most uncomfortable feelings….that feels a little better.



  34.  #34tinque on August 31, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Hey alias girl – I don’t want to diminish your feelings of frustration. I acknowledge them, yet it’s a feeling, yours indeed, and this feeling will pass. They always do.
    I do want to address your feelings of weirdness in putting your fingers inside your vagina. If you want to see total transparency in speaking of these things, then read my latest post. This is NOT in any way an endorsement for me and my site. I believe Rori may reprint it here anyway.
    It’s beautiful to speak of these matters. Other women will be grateful.
    It’s also a wonderful thing exploring yourself all over, inside and out. It’s an amazing revelatory exercise in many ways and not just the physical. I encourage you to try. I encourage everyone here to try this. It may feel strange. If you keep with this, this will pass. It may bring up all kinds of feelings. You know what to do with your feelings.
    If you have any questions or want to share, and you feel too shy to speak up here, you can contact me anytime via e-mail.
    xxoo



  35.  #35alias girl on August 31, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    daria i asked a question because i felt curious. as this is not my blog, i don’t have an investment one way or the other, whether you are or aren’t. if it were me, and i was doing affiliate marketing i would either try and have more finesse OR more transparency. but that’s just me. i felt duped. i’m not saying that you aren’t sincere. i am saying i felt manipulated a little.

    if this were my blog i probably would not want someone completely disregarding ME and immediately pushing other people’s sites and products. so if it were my blog or rather WHEN I DO HAVE MY OWN BLOG i may not allow that. i will have to see how i feeel. i may feel differently when the time comes. but if i have put all this work and effort into building traffic i don’t know that i’d want someone using all my effort, heart and sweat as a forum for their free commercials. like i said though it would depend on how i feel and other differing factors.

    actually i have started a blog but i haven’t figured it out exactly yet. i feel unsure about it. i feel conflicted about it. i LOVE doing it but…it’s got a tricky sticky factor to it involving using photos of celebs on a site i want to make money from. it’s an unclear line in the courtrooms these days and i just don’t want to do anything illegal or take advantage of people. hmmmmm. so i feel unsure. anyhoo blah blah i feel done writing this.



  36.  #36Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I guess I am judging these guys because they are mirrors of me in some way, and some of them are a mix. There are one or two interesting, sort of attractive guys, and sometimes I feel interesting and attractive. There are the other icky guys who maybe show up because that’s how I feel about myself? I feel icky and boring and unattractive so these guys are appearing to me that way? I don’t know…I feel weird thinking that i THINK and FEEL that way about myself. I feel weird…just kind of a churning in my stomach. I feel annoyed and impatient. Grrr….I DON’T want to be here in this town!!! I feel completely petrified and upset about online dating it’s total bullshit and I hate it. Why does it have to be so hard? Are there any people out there for whom this stuff isn’t distressing? Well, I read Erika’s post about why abstinence serves her and I like what she said about not being attracted to the guys who are “painful”…that sounds pretty cool. I’d like to be there; wouldn’t it be cool to just be unconcerned about men and then the right guy just shows up and it’s not full of drama and pain and horrible memories about your parents and blah blah blah, all that effing horrible shit that just lodges in your soul and psyche and body and stays there for effing ever? That would be pretty cool. I also wish I had been born with different proclivities; I wish I had the stuff of being a lawyer instead of my INFP/Enneagram 4 shit that makes me so “artsy” and pretentious and shit. I sound like a real South Dakotan now, adding “and shit” onto everything. Classy. I feel like there’s some stuff I can’t get at, all this anxiety, and I need to EFT it…



  37.  #37alias girl on August 31, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    awww tinque i feel sooooo much sweetness from your last post. oh my goodness i feel teary eyed. aw. i feel vulnerable which

    makes me want to punch someone.

    anyway thank you. i am going to go check out you post you mentioned. i feel very excited about it.



  38.  #38tinque on August 31, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Bethany – I just want to reach through my screen and give you a BIG hug.
    Despair has been my friend too, and I want you to try to look at her in this way. Despair is what I feel when I’m working through something big. This is something to celebrate. No one who is emotionally remedial (if there is even such a thing) could even articulate what you have here or be here at all. LOVE your despair, for she is showing you the way, YOUR way.
    You are touching some BIG painful pieces within. I know this hurts. It feels sometimes like it will never resolve itself or ever leave you alone. This may take a long time to work itself through, or it may not. Even if takes a long time, you WILL have periods of respite. REVEL in those times, even if it’s only moments. You are doing some tremendous work even if it doesn’t feel that way.
    Life is never all figured out. It’s always shifting, changing, transforming, and that’s exciting. Unsettling at times yes, but it is FUN and never boring. This way of thinking is a shift in consciousness.
    Life is a continual journey, a searching, a seeking. Anything else would be a snore. To have everything all figured out means you’ve reached the end. Is that what you really want?
    To be honest, I write of being loose and open, yet this is something I have to be aware of ALL the time. And there are LOTS of moments, hours even when openness and looseness simply elude me, and this is OKAY. I pour LOVE all over myself at these times.
    xxoo



  39.  #39tinque on August 31, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    B – I saw your other posts after, or rather you wrote them while I was writing to you.
    I don’t know a thing about on-line dating, but I do know about instinct, intuition, feelings that tell me, if I listen, “don’t do that, go there,” etc. If one of your on-line guys doesn’t FEEL right to you, DON’T go out with him. There must be plenty of other opportunities to receive messages, practice.
    xxoo



  40.  #40Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Wow, tinque–thank you so much for that. I had just read your most recent post and came back here to pose a question, and I feel touched by your encouragement for loving the despairing feeling. It felt really eloquent to me.



  41.  #41Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Oh, and thanks for the online advice! Yeah, I feel weird about ND guy but also felt like I SHOULD put myself out there and practice…but my intuition says something feels a bit “off”…



  42.  #42tinque on August 31, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    My advice is to NEVER EVER ignore an icky sense about someone or something.
    I’ve only ever been sorry to have not listened.



  43.  #43Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Okay, I was reading tinque’s most recent post, which was VERY eye-opening, because I’d just written myself off as one of the “unlucky” 70% of women who “can’t” have vaginal orgasms (even though my two best girlfriends do–and one was a virgin until she got married last year). And really, the thought of touching myself internally makes me really, really squirelly–I was literally squirming in my seat, and I felt like that reading Rori’s suggestion about internal massage. The tissue just feels weird to me, really spongy and I kind of recoil from it…I felt a lot of resonance with what alias girl said about feeling weird…and I personally don’t have any sexual trauma, but my mom does…and I wonder if I could have picked up some of her cell-memories or something…is that crazy? I don’t know…I’m her only daughter so that would maybe make sense, and the thing is she never told me about that, but my DAD did, which is something else entirely…ugh, this is all really strange feeling, I feel like I touched on something huge and vague…anyway, I feel compassion for alias girl and feel like we’re in the same boat.



  44.  #44Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    I feel traumatized and torqued about “vaginal” things. That’s how I feel…I feel like this is going to take some processing.



  45.  #45Linda G on August 31, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Bethany;
    I am having similar experiences with men as you are. I have been circular dating on and off, because of work, kids, etc since January or so. the quality of the guys is really starting to improve. They are more polished, more considerate, more mature and more able to have a relationship. I have finally been able to go out on three dates with the same guy! (usually I’m a one date kinda girl, I tend to shut dowm easily). anyway, this latest crop is very nice, very into me, but after 2-3 dates, They want kissing, which I can do a little, but then I have to bail when they want more. Some guy even suggested we park! yuck
    Point is, I am trying to look at them as stepping stones in the right direction.
    let these guys come and see you. Let them make the rip. Rori has told me a guy does what he wants, it’s his decision to visit you. You owe him nothing. Just meet him and find out what his message is, you maybe surprised, amused, or bored to tears. But do it.
    Myself, I have learned from this parking invitation which i just shut down and ran from, that I need to be able to tell my truth. It’s better than hurting someone’s feelings, better than panicking. I just don’t know how to see a guy over and over if I’m not attracted to him.



  46.  #46Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Linda G,

    Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your attitude about circular dating. It is something I don’t know how to guage–how to tell the difference between something that your intuition is telling you is NOT GOOD and your old fears trying to keep you cage up? I feel confused…

    I also wonder, can yoga help with compensatory torque in the body?



  47.  #47Daria on August 31, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I feel angry at Alias Girl. I feel angry being told that you think you would have more finesse doing affiliate marketing.

    By the way in case I was not clear, I have NOT been doing affiliate marketing on this blog or anywhere.

    I feel judged. I feel hot in my head like my head is detaching from my body, and my mouth is set into a hard pout, I feel my body rising up. My thoughts feel silent like the frozeness I feel when I feel angry. My butt hurts on my right side lol and writing that melted me and made me laugh.

    I feel furious and bad that someone feels manipulated and duped by something that is not even whats going on.

    I have that thing the Trauma about my information and help not being wanted.

    Amazingly I found that listed on this guy’s site too.

    I feel rejected. I feel misunderstood and confused.

    I WANT TO SCREAM I AM NOT DOING AFFILLIATE MARKETING!!!

    WAT THE FUCK!!!!

    but then agian that would mean to me that I think affiliate marketing is bad, and since I have been doing the 30daychallenge thing oh (www.30daychallenge.com) it’s free no I’m not getting paid, I got stuck on day 5 because I got blocked cuz i didn’t like the products I think I found or maybe because I felt stuck on writing an article cuz I get stuck on writing when its for a purpose… Anyway if I were to scream out I’m not doing affiliate marketing defensively, that would mean I think its bad, and that would limit me doing it in the future. Not that I was planning on doing it on this site but if I decided to I reserve right to that in the future.

    I feel squeezy above my eye. I feel like kickin somebodys ass right now! I feel like the whole left side of my face is tight right now and my lips are really sticking out a lot!!

    EXCUSE ME for sharing life sharing information. This is how I’m healing myself and I want other people including you in particular Alias Girl, because you specifically ASKED ME IN THE LAST POST to tell you how I am healing my root chakra block, to know and have access to the wonderful stuff I am finding.

    I do not want to dupe you, manipulate you, or anything bad to you. I do feel like attacking you right now. I feel really Angry. I feel furious and defensive and like im flying off my rocker. I feel surprised and glad I am even formulating words right now.

    Btw I do not want to attack you, I just felt like it. I’m being triggered times 10 with past events that I even can sense what they are in flashes, thanks to my increased forebrain receptivity due to this guy’s stretches that squeezed memories out of my muscles and fascia and made them available more clearly to my conscious forebrain.

    I am using this information and mentioning of this guy to indirectly attack I think right now. I feel confused.

    I feel scared of my anger. I feel scared of me. I am doing feeling messages but I feel really intimdated of myself rereading my post. I feel sad. I feel confused. I feel like crying, or a lil part of me feels like crying. I still feel pouty lips, now I feel softer furrowed brow, now I feel melty I feel like crying, now I feel like my face and upper body are starting to sob. I feel sad. I feel rejected… awwwwww… I feel red face… I feel sad sad sad… I feel betrayed… I feel confused…

    I feel detached now… I love my feelings and my detachment… awww

    I feel like I’m being accused of degrading the sacredness of Rori’s post and I don’t want to feel like I could do that in ANY way no matter what I post. I want to feel ok posting whatever I want to. I feel scared.

    I feel like trying to make Alias Girl feel guilty… I feel interested.

    I LOVE my feelings! That feels like smiling and brightening and now that feels like tightening in my throat and jaw and I love my tightening in my throat and jaw and that feels like a lil yawn.

    I feel held back and chained. I feel surprised at that. I feel frozeness in the right part of my head, cloudy lostness. I love my cloudy lostness.

    I feel pushed away. I feel bummed. haha … i don’t know if ive felt bummed before, most certainly doesnt even sound like my words. maybe im pikcing up on other peoples energies… I feel like yawning.

    I feel defensive rocky and strong. I feel like a cliff in the sea.

    I want to be soft on the outside hard on the inside.

    Soft on the outside says: I feel sad. Strong on the inside says: I don’t want to apologize for what I write.

    I love myself and I don’t want to feel disrespected, attacked, or judged, or feel like what I’m doing is wrong, or feel like i’m less than, or be told that someone else would do it better in a different way.

    I feel hard mouth again…

    Man I’m feeling angry in a weird way. That felt freeing a little bit. Wat da effff. I feel like attacking with witty sarcastic stuff.

    I feel interested in this whole process of me holding back my attacks. I lvoe myself and I DO NOT want to attack. This takes discipline. Interesting. I am building my ability to interact wiht men and people and potentially triggering clients and school people.

    Rori told me she thinks it will be easy for me and I just go to the schools and make friends with the teachers and PTA people

    BUT… I feel judged and very judgemental of “those people.” Shoot I have been judgemental of “them” since highschool. I feel very inauthentic in a way to go befriend them now, because I feel furious at them, resentful of them, judgemental of them. I do not want to befriend them, unless I want to befriend them.

    It is wrong to befriend people because you want them to give you money for services. Urrgh

    I feel droopy to the right head, which feels quiet a bit better than droopy to the left head i used to feel which was like holding in anger and being depressed.

    I still feel like attacking. I’m starting to feel tired. I love my feelings. I love my tiredness. I love my yawn. I love my suddenly chipper everything is great oustide feeling I always used to throw on wiht my parents even though I was sobbing the hell out behind the door 5 seconds before. hmmm

    I don’t do that anymore, for awhile now.

    I feel big yawn. Glad that some of this triggering must be healing me for the interactions I will have with those people I judge… blah… I feel gross…

    i feel sigh.

    I love me. I am working hard here with feeling these emotions and I give myself credit. I feel compelled to attack. I love my feelings. I do not want to attack. Thank you for being here for me… I love you and I hear you and yes I feel attacked and I feel your attack energy. Thank you for protecting me. I am here for you. I embrace you. And I’m going to go on feeling better now, and doing what makes me feel good, and what makes me bigger and happier, so ?I can have more love and compassion to share with you and iwth the world. And I won’t abandon you, I promise.

    Wow lots of fury coming up from my gut. My left side of my neck feels squeezed. I feel bored of writing. I feel like breaking off writing and distracting myself. I love my feelings. I lvoe my feelings . I love my feelings… I love my feelings. I feel disassociated and I love my feelings… I feel tihg tin my jaw. I keep replaying AG’s post in my mind well just the part about duped, manipulated, finesse and transparency and I feel tingly with anger again and again each time… I love my tingles… I love my anger.

    I feel furious. I feel guilty that I keep writing. I feel guilty. I feel like a monster. I feel like I stand out like a narcissist who hogs the blog and is out of control with her monster self. I love my feelings and all parts of myself even my monster self, even if that guy says they are not me. jkust energies I picked up from the past, well right now they are in me and I love them too… and that feels kinda smily and I love my smile…



  48.  #48Daria on August 31, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    I feel weird touching myself like that. I feel like I’m a man. I feel totally disconnected from myself when I do and I feel like I’m doing something unhealthy and draining. I stil do it sometimes cuz it feels good to get an orgasm, even though its not big. once I even kept going and felt amazing and huge like a I could breathe so much and like I was a big poweful panther or tiger or soemthing. But i havent been able to since.

    Also my fingers and hands are small and ?I feel like I can’t really get close to touching myself in a way that feels great inside. I feel like I can barely touch my g-spot, let alone my cervix.

    I don’t know why I feel so weird about it. even touching my breasts sexually makes me feel Repulsed and physically nautious, while touching myself down there feels like my head is Very tight and sometimes my stomach will also feel nautious.

    But I do tend to put my hand there a lot, just resting or absentmindedly, which I also feel weird and ashamed about.

    I havent had very many vaginal orgasms, and when I did I don’t think they were super strong. On the other hand when I smoked MJ a couple of times I gave myself some orgasms just by squeezing.

    Apparently men really like my pussy though. I love her too. It would feel great to clear all this disconnect and weirdness up. that feels like my shoulders and upper lip tightening up. whoa. I love my feelings.

    I feel weird and kinda disconnected and weird like blinky eyes.



  49.  #49Daria on August 31, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Bethany the site I gave with the body work the guy has some dvds, of stretches, and the whole point of them is actually to help with compensatory torque in teh body. I do think yoga can help, I did some of this guy’s stretches he gave me over the phone yesterday and they really! help.

    I have a block to people wanting my information so you may not “hear” me.

    It really helped me a lot though. I am still drinking lots of water and making crazy connections with my body and mind and also feeling freer in my body.

    He taught me the stretches in his free phone consultation.



  50.  #50Daria on August 31, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I feel my eye twitching! Weird. Feeling dzzy and triggered. I feel like resting. I love my feelings and sensations.



  51.  #51Daria on August 31, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Wow I just screamed the most active vampire scream I ever have. I feel lightheaded. My lips feel dry and stingy.

    I am now wondering if the pain i had in my side, I thought was a pulled muscle, but maybe its my liver. Maybe I dont remember but if it happend after I felt angry maybe my liver hurt from that and is releasing anger. I feel concerned for my liver having been an alcoholic for a bunch of years. But not now. Somehow I just stopped being an alcoholic when I started doing too much stuff that I regretted, and also when my friends started getting long term hospitalized for pancreatitis and cirhosis. Thank God I feel grateful to have stopped so easily.



  52.  #52Daria on August 31, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I want to point out that I feel really proud of all the hardship in my life, and this is kinda built into my identity. I feel scared to have an easy life now, because what will I have to be proud of. This is also a torque. I feel like if I let go of the suffering, then I will lose my connection with my friends and also my connection with who I am and what I stand for and my strength and what makes me a good person ie that I hav suffered.

    Torque!



  53.  #53tinque on August 31, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Okay Bethany – You feelings are SO normal. Anything new feels strange and weird. I was never sexually traumatized (I had other traumas, just not sexual) yet the first time I touched myself inside I was grossed out. Hell the first time I ever masturbated wasn’t until I was thirty. Where my stigmas came from doesn’t matter. I don’t even know.
    I believe ALL women can come from inside, but it takes time. You friend is unusual. YOU are as the vast majority of women, and I take issue that as much as 30% of women can orgasm vaginally. I would say it’s far lower.
    I’m in my late forties and it’s not that I didn’t enjoy sex before, but with K it’s like nothing else I could even have imagined. I came into my sexual prime later than usual, partly because I was ambivalent due to a less than ideal partner (he was a disastrous mess), and partly because of K, for he sparked this in me. I knew this was an area I REALLY wanted to explore, my sexuality I mean, because I just knew there was more in me, more, my body was capable of, and maybe my hormones kicked in late, but I believe I made them do so.
    All of this took a long time, and it took a lot of focus and energy and effort. I did all kinds of exercises, physical, relaxing, meditative, imaginative, and I believed. I also saw a sexual healer who started me on the internal massaging. I had a lot of bodywork done to help break up my extensive scar tissue all over, much in my pelvis due to severe injury and many surgeries. Fortunately I was able to barter for much of this.
    But please remember this all took time and desire and patience. There were many times I thought I was “broken”.
    And yes on the yoga, but it depends on the style. I’m a big fan of yoga that emphasizes the opening, stretching, relaxing, and meditative aspects as in Svraroopa yoga.
    xxoo



  54.  #54alias girl on August 31, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    daria i feel weird that you feel SO angry at me.

    I feel good i triggered you in a safe space. I feel good you are expressing yourself. My intention was not to trigger you though i was aware it might have. My intention was to be true to myself and express myself.

    I do not want to be afraid of asking people questions. I do not want to feel silenced. If I had not asked I would have been silencing myself. Because I wanted to ask.

    I would feel different if I made the Choice not to say something. But this was something I Wanted to ask. So i did.

    I said…

    “If I were doing affiliate marketing I might try to have a little more finesse OR transparency.”

    I feel bad that statement is a comparison to you in a superior sort of way. hmmm how could i rephrase that?

    maybe take out the word More so that it is no longer making a comparison? hmmm. I’m not sure how I would make the point I was trying to make.

    I apologize for saying such a superior sounding thing. or for putting you down in a non intentional way. I’m sorry daria. I would feel triggered by a statement like that too. I would feel super annoyed.

    I actually want you to be successful. please forgive my awkward phrasing and superiority complex.

    I feel very happy you said something and expressed your feelings because I get to learn from that too and take accountability for what I say to people.

    I feel confused. In some posts you say you are doing affiliate marketing? or you are just thinking of doing it?
    Or you are just reserving the right to in the future?

    Some websites won’t let people spam on their sites. You probably aleady know this. So although people may reserve the right to spam. The website owners have the right to not allow it.

    i feel like i might trigger you again. I feel bad. I feel protective of my right to speak my truth and ask questions. I am experimenting right now and i feel uncomfortable and scared of the possible consequences.



  55.  #55Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    tinque–I feel inspired by your story. I love your blog and you are a gorgeous, soft, strong woman-those were my major impressions from your picture. I really like the idea that ALL women can orgasm internally–that there aren’t some women who just lucked out with more nerve endings in the right places. I don’t want to feel like my physicality is inferior in some way…maybe it’s just something you have to learn because as a woman you have to be so much more attentive to your sexuality and it’s “trickier” to get there than it is for men? I don’t know–and why is it so much trickier, is it the culture we’re raised in or just really and truly our physical complexity or a little of both? I don’t know–anyway, I have always wondered if my body can do more, and I feel excited to explore that…

    Daria, I like that guy’s website, I may give him a call–and I felt so impressed with your anger and how you totally let it loose in a beautiful feeling sort of way. I felt equally impressed with alias girl’s response–you both felt really stately and regal to me. How often does such an honest, self-affirming conflict between women get expressed like this out in the “real world”? Not many that I’ve seen. Yay for both of you…anger is such a triggering thing for me so I feel impressed to witness it expressed at such a “high level” of relating.

    I did the tennis ball thing, and I found some really tight knots in places I’d never thought about before…really sore, although they kind of dissolved after I kneaded them a bit…then I rolled around on my back, gently, on the tennis ball and that is SO sore…my shoulders are almost perpetually hunched, I realize. I saw a massage therapist a few months back who said my back gets sore because my chest muscles are shortened from hunching over a computer at my desk. She told me to stretch my chest out but I have been lazy about it…I’m going to stretch more, though.

    Also, I know Tracy Anderson, who trains Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, has DVDs that focus on strengthening the smaller muscles. I wonder if that would be a good complement to larger muscle strengthening. I feel so intrigued by this torque thing.

    I haven’t heard of the kind of yoga that tinque mentioned, but I feel interested in exploring that.

    I don’t know how I torque emotionally. I guess my pattern is to withdraw. If I feel the tiniest bit slighted or wronged or taken advantage of, I beat a hasty retreat into my powerless pattern. I take the choice away from myself so I don’t have to be responsible, maybe. Can using your brain all the time be a torque away from feeling? I torque to always monitoring my environment, calculating risks and trying to mitigate them. I feel a push and pull lately. With EFT I have a glimpse of stuff that I haven’t seen before, and even though there’s part of me that WANTS so MUCH to let that part have its time in the sun it still remains hidden and doesn’t want me to “knead” it out. I feel that despair tinging the edges of my consciousness, as a warning and an enticement. It feels really confusing. I wonder if torque is related to the idea of congruence that Erika talks about. I feel alternately calm, then kind of despairing, then kind of ridiculous, then, scared and panicky about online dating and the whole dating THING and all the huge unanswered questions and the blank spaces then also gratitude for this time and the luxury to have the space to do things like lie on my floor and roll around on a tennis ball. Rori mentioned in this article that blues are a torque away from joy because the joy muscle is underdeveloped and that feel so true for me. Last week I picked my Mama Gena books back up and I had some really good days of just ridiculous joyful things–I had dinner naked on my living room floor (this is a suggestion in one of the books, somewhere) and I sat in front of a mirror and had wine, cheese, bread and olives and fruit and read “Love After Love” by Derek Walcott to myself. It was really fun. THEN someone knocked on my door, and that felt really awkward because I was in the most compromising of compromising positions–eating dinner naked in my living room. But that felt really funny to me. I really recommend Mama Gena’s books to anyone who doesn’t have them.



  56.  #56Mercedes on August 31, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Tinque: you are amaazing at this stuff! Not just good but absolutely amazing! I hope to one day travel to your city and spend more time with you. I don’t know a single woman who is more aware of her body and more willing to teach others. Have you considered anything along this line for a career?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  57.  #57Simply Shannon on August 31, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Bethany: I wanted to say really quickly that if you get weird vibes from a guy, trust yourself. The one and only time I had a SCARY date, I didn’t trust my gut. Back in January, a guy came on really pushy and part of me was turned on by his aggressiveness. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. He was aggressive in lots of ways. Thankfully I came out of it unscathed but scared shitless.

    There’s a big different between being turned off by someone (not your type, etc.) and getting weird vibes. I’m trying to reprogram my brain about the being turned off thing because I feel interested in exploring men that I wouldn’t normally. HOWEVER, weird vibes are a deal breaker for me. Creep me out and that’s it. I’m slowly learning to trust myself.

    BTW, I just wanted to mention that your posts are incredibly full of feeling messages. I feel proud of you and am learning by reading your posts. Thank you!



  58.  #58Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    I feel so sad. I feel so despairing. I feel sad and confused, then almost catatonic the next moment. Christopher really wants me to drive to his cabin for Labor Day weekend. This cabin is 8 hours away from me. He really misses me and really wants to see me, he says, and I believe him. But that’s 8 hours of driving for me, and there’s this political thing my dad really wants me to go to on Saturday and help him vote for some committee he put together…so I said to Christopher, “Could you maybe come out here?” and he was like “Oh, I don’t know…I really want to see you, but I was really excited about going to the cabin…I was really excited to see you at the cabin…” Then he said that since he’s going to be in my state the weekend after, that I could come to his show…I said “Oh, I don’t know…” That’s 4 hours of driving, for me, one way. So he’ll drive 6 hours to his cabin, all over the effing country for his band, but he doesn’t want to drive 5 hours to see me on a 3-day weekend. Well, all right. I feel super upset and close to devastated. I feel absolutely full of rage and despair and frustration. I feel powerless. I am crying and I hate that I am crying. I don’t want to drive one mile to see this guy. I am utterly exhausted. I miss him like crazy but I feel so put upon to ALWAYS be the one to travel to him, especially when he won’t travel to see me, even when it’s the one time I’m busier than he is. God. If I were dating other guys, this wouldn’t be a problem, right? All right, where are these other guys? I don’t understand why this is my life. Why do I live here, why am I hung up on Chris? Why can’t I circular date like normal people? I feel so tired of all of this. I feel sooooooo frustrated I can’t even look at it. I knew he wouldn’t want to come out here. Why would he? He does what he wants, and clearly he doesn’t want me that much. He would be clamoring to get my attention, and he’s not. He just texted me “good night…thinking of sleeping next to you.” I feel heartbrokenly confused and lonely and pained because I miss him and I want him and I feel colossally uninterested in any of these guys online and I feel like I’m catastrophizing now. I love my icky feelings. I love my guilt for not wanting to drive to Chris. Not 8 hours. Again. I feel scared that I’m cold because I feel like I’m keeping score. I drive to see him when he’s in the state but he’s there to play music and not to come and see me…but maybe it doesn’t matter? What if all the stressing about it doesn’t matter either way? What if me driving to see him all the time versus him driving to see me doesn’t matter either way? I don’t know. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I feel like I’m never going to figure it out so why don’t i just sit in my apartment and eat candy corn and then just waddle to work and undo my pants at my desk, kick off my shoes and take a nap? Why the hell not? I feel so super pissed at the world. I feel like putting my fist through sheet rock but I feel like I can’t lift my arms because I feel so tired…he just sent me mapqwest directions. I feel super confused. Oh well. What the fuck ever. I love my tiredness. I love my apathy. I love my undecisiveness. I love my withdrawnness. I love my guilt. I love my fear. I love my anger. I love my hopelessness. I love my persistent feeling of loss and brokenness. I feel compassion for myself, walking around with all this confusion and icky energy all the time. I feel compassion for myself for moving to a town I don’t want to be in, I feel compassion for my stuckness. I feel completely and utterly bored of all my pain. I just feel bored of it.



  59.  #59Bethany on August 31, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    Shannon, thanks. Big hugs. I feel icky about this guy, not just turned off…thank you, I feel acknowledged and supported.



  60.  #60Tracy on August 31, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    Tinque,
    Thanks for reminding me that the whole process of healing oneself takes time…I tend to forget that sometimes and feel frustrated when i am struggling to adapt a new way of looking at things….
    I totally agree that if feels all weird and scary at first….
    I feel different and sometimes unsure of myself since i feel that i am entering an unknown territory.Something i am not used to…I am even training myself to think differently….to follow more about how i feel around things and listen more to my inner voice….
    I noticed recently that my brain is structured to always decide on things….I have fixed ideas in my head that i have picked up based on my past experiences and i am always deciding and trying to fix my life around that…I feel that i have subconsciously drawn a circle and i only allow myself to move around that,yet some of the things i deeply desire extend beyond this circle…feels really weird….I feel that i am more inclined to my masculine energy than my feminine energy…i decide more that i choose….i don’t know if this makes sense to anyone…
    For example i want i want to go make my hair…i am usually thinking i have to go make my hair,it doesn’t look good…I’ll go make my hair then do this and that….
    If i was choosing that would go like….i feel like making my hair today,or maybe i can go for swimming instead or read something interesting…what feels best to do….?
    makes any sense…?I just feel that i am always in my head thinking and trying to analyze situations.I feel tired of it…I want to feel more and learn to follow my instincts.I want to choose more…i want to feel that i have options rather than make decisions based on a limited view of a situation…i want to feel the options…i am feminine after all…
    I do feel that this goes against my present way of thinking…in the past i have often felt i sort of had to grab and fight for what i wanted…it could not possibly come easy for me…i haven’t traced the reason why i feel this….and so i feel that life is hard..and there are really no choices but instead there are decisions to be made….
    I guess circular dating was the first thing that proved how wrong i was…..and i feel the conflict of having to adjust myself with accepting the mere abundance of what life really has to offer…It feels like i have a new set of spectacles and i am adjusting my eyes because what i see is a different reality…
    well,the good part is i feel progress and i am grateful for that.I feel more at ease i am much happier and i feel that i am healing one day at a time….



  61.  #61Daria on September 1, 2009 at 3:15 am

    Thanks Rori for previously pointing out how Fight or Fligt response is really

    Fight/Flight/Freeze response.

    Now until now I thought freeze was like a glitch in the system, and kind of inwardly beat myself up for having a glitch.

    I just strechted and thought something cool:

    Freeze! Is actually an appropriate defense response!!!

    Some animals, especially predators, are able to see only movement (or are much much more aware of movement… example Cats). Therefore, FREEZING would be totally appropriate for an animal afraid of being attacked by these predators.

    So freezing is not a glitch! It’s actually a needed part of this response. This feels so much better.

    Fight Flight or Freeze!

    not Fight Flight or glitch.

    This feels interesting and good to me.



  62.  #62tinque on September 1, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Bethany – Thank you for your lovely compliments. They are opportune.
    Yes it is trickier for women for many reasons. First and most obviously, a man’s parts are on the outside. It’s very evident to him and sometimes everyone else when he is aroused. Even though studies say that women are as easily aroused visually by sexy images and of a greater variety than men, men’s parts visibly swell. Ours do too, and they moisten, etc. but it’s not visible since they are tucked away, and our “urges” tend to be of a subtler sort, the vast majority of women don’t even realize they are aroused.
    A man’s urge especially in the adolescent and twenties years, is, well, urgent and persistent. He has to take care of himself or he will explode. The taboo against men taking care of business is not like it is for us.
    And like I said it’s not as pressing for us.
    Men are for more accepting of their sexuality for the reasons above and because it just is accepted socially. This is still a man’s world for the most part.
    Women’s urges are less pressing for the most part, and we’ve been taught through whatever means to repress whatever urges we do have.
    For example parental missteps (not teaching us how to be open and embracing of our sexuality let alone exploring it) religious constraints (same deal if not more) and societal pressures, need I elaborate more?
    By the way I LOVE the eating dinner naked while reading a love story. I would have enjoyed very much to hear that you answered the door this way, but it’s safer that you didn’t.
    As for the C situation. I’m not aware of the whole story, but I think I’ve read enough to feel that he really does care for you. It also seems that you two developed a pattern earlier where you would drive to him whenever he asked. Old patterns are not so easy to break, but it’s possible. Since you live far from each other (not easy on a relationship as you know) compromise is not an awful thing. I understand your frustration though. I would suggest to keep gently coaxing him to come to you with the feeling messages that you have, eg. “It doesn’t feel good driving to you so much. I feel like I’m chasing you. I don’t like feeling this way. What do you think?” Or something like this.
    Anyway from where I sit you’re doing fabulous work. All the turmoil inside is awesome, scary and frustrating yes, but it’s GOOD. It will sort itself out. Maybe not all neat and tidy, tied up in a pretty bow fashion, if you stay open to any and all possibilities, you will feel how things smooth out, bit by bit. And again the smoothness may feel rough. Flow with it.
    xxoo



  63.  #63DocK on September 1, 2009 at 6:43 am

    I feel very weird saying this. I know that I discovered self-pleasuring as a little girl. I know this because I got “caught” doing it more than once. For some reason, though, even though I feel weird writing about it, I never developed shame linked to it. It is as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day. Some people seem to suggest that I must have had something “happen” to me at a young age to have learned about it so early but I have absolutely no memory of any such thing so I don’t believe it.

    I remember being curious about sex always. I stole a copy of my mother’s book “The Happy Hooker” when I was about 11 years old. It is very explicit (or seemed so at the time). I know there is a big difference between reading about sex and doing it, but I feel grateful that I found it because at least I had SOME clue about how it should go when I first did it and that it wasn’t just about the guy getting off but my own pleasure too.

    I guess I just kept getting curious-er and curious-er (thank goodness). : )



  64.  #64tinque on September 1, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Miss M – I blush. I grin. I feel so GOOD hearing/reading how you feel about my work. I’m the one who is going to get the big head.
    I found a love of and a talent for writing seven years ago when I went back to college to earn a degree in English Literature. I wrote a book upon graduation, and then I mostly left it alone, aside from massive journaling, until I started my blog. I LOVE this kind of writing, for I can be as creative and lyrical and picture making with my words as I want to be and that I can touch others and help them is incredibly rewarding.
    I’ve been laying the stepping stones down for this for two years now as a new career since I had to close down my other one. Maybe the time is now since I’m here feeling like a stranger in a strange land.
    I’m so long winded today.
    I’m done.
    xxoo



  65.  #65DocK on September 1, 2009 at 6:51 am

    SS:

    Good advice!

    I remember going out on a date with a guy – I was in mid-30s he a little over 40 and we were out late at a club. It wasn’t our first date. He dropped me off and asked if he could stay over stating that we are “both mature adults” and he is fine with “nothing happening” but it was 2 in the morning and he would have a 45 minute drive home blah blah.

    I thought it sounded reasonable and said, ‘Sure.’

    Well, the “nothing happening” turned into him pestering the hell out of me for sex and I wasn’t ready to do that with him yet so it was a bit of a wrestling match – I won – and he finally left me alone and I never went out with him again.

    Even at that age I guess I still had lessons to learn – yeesh!



  66.  #66tinque on September 1, 2009 at 6:53 am

    Tracy – New things almost always feel strange and weird. As for worrying about whether you’re too in your head, you’re too in your head about it.
    You HAVE found a way to follow your feeling around. That thoughts come with that is NORMAL. You want thoughts. With thoughts come new feelings and so on.
    xxoo



  67.  #67tinque on September 1, 2009 at 7:04 am

    DocK – You are fortunate that you went with your instincts, exploring yourself. It’s not uncommon actually. Many, many women “discover” themselves in this way and without having had another person involved (eg. inappropriate touching). It’s great that you did not have shame around it. I’m quite jealous actually. (lol)
    I was a late bloomer, and I’m still blooming.
    xxoo



  68.  #68DocK on September 1, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Tinque – thank you so much. I am learning a whole lot from your writing and ideas – quite wonderful actually!

    AND we are all still blooming – thank goodness it never ends (it’s a good thing). : )



  69.  #69Tracy on September 1, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Tinque,
    Thank you…i feel that i am beginning to get the whole idea around staying in my feelings….Hugs….feels great…



  70.  #70Rori Raye on September 1, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Bethany. Go back to the basics. 1. Focus on your work and career and your next steps with that. Focus, focus, focus. 2. Stop talking yourself into this all other men are creeps thing that’s going on in your head. What you think is true — you will experience as true. Just baby step yourself out of that one. this is where the EFT will help most. This takes diligence. Perhaps you need a bigger city where you can’t so easily brush aside all the men in it…3. An 8 hour drive is ridiculous — and especially because YOU think it is. Yes, dating other men is the cure…that said…can you just stop WORKING so hard at this relationship? That’s the easy thing. And then, when you ease up and stop working, you feel guilty and scared you’ll lose him, just as Erika says. The cure for that is just to DO it and see what happens. What will happen is that you WON’T lose him. Then you try it again…and you STILL don’t lose him. Now you’re feeling more powerful…and on and on… 4. Stay present. This takes focus, work, dedication. Do it.

    Focus on the basics…don’t get sidetracked following down an analysis. Love, Rori



  71.  #71Daria on September 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    You guys I just did a trauma release with that guy.

    The idea is that each trauma from childhood or that gets repeated as a pattern or limiting belief we have is … are you ready for this?? A pattern that was imprinted in our past life when someone abused us, and WE DID die, or were heavily hit and almost dead, our brain went into alpha state, and everything we heard and felt the energy of went right into our bodies…

    so we did trauma release which basically means just going to teh episode in question like a movie, and then each statement we hear or can put words to the feeling… (even though we might not be ‘sure’ just go with what comes up) repeat it 3 times… then we think what happened in a past life liek this??

    Well what happened for me is I was a woman who was getting beaten by a man and kicked and I didn’t die but he was saying all types of stuff (some of the same stuff my mom said or her energy felt like!!) and there was a little boy who was my son there who saw it and it was his sadness and his drive to feel helpless and swearing he will revenge me later that is my ‘boy’ voice that i cant do anything to help and also that wants to revenge and overpower the man…

    oh my gosh first we did the stretches to loosen the fascia because this stuff is mostly stored in there and I am telling you for real I remembered this stuff and could see the man the little boy, me, even now I know an older lady came to get me…

    also there was a prenatal episode in the womb when my parents got into a confrontation and i was saying and feeling their energy and this FELT REAL all of this felt real, in fact even the words sound like my parents words and feel like my parents feel to me and the way they act…

    this was amazing amazing amazing… I can still do it now by myself just feel what I feel or hear and ask myself which episode is this from and say it three times, then what did they say next, etc…

    I feel whoa… I feel amazed and tired…

    I’m gonna link the article that talks about this
    shoot I want to link it but its actually a downloaded document, I will try to paste relevant stuff…

    “Since our behavior is actually a combination of body and mind activities, we, in this field, call our whole form by one name, body-mind. This body-mind has layers. The layers are actually physical, as layers of muscles going from deep inside our bodies out through the ones on the surface. And they’re energetic, too, also going through depths of the physical body, and even throughout this “auric” energy field. That’s the physical component of what we also understand is psychological. Our psychological issues, or blockages, have different layers, too.
    These patterns of our issue actually make up a multi-layered “shell“ around the real “us.” And since they’re now always there in a real physical sense, they con¬tinuously broadcast energies that attract people and situations that go against what we really want.

    The root cause of the sabotage is a set of unconscious “belief systems” intertwined with unreleased trauma, with chronically tight and shortened musculature. This is that shell I just mentioned. And it goes very deep. It surrounds the core of your being, physically as well as what you, yourself, recognize is psychological. It’s much like a pancho, or a group of panchos, that covers your whole body.
    ….
    Besides what we normally know as our physical organs, nerves and muscles, our bodies also have a real, and measurable, set of energy sensors that pick up emotional charge and other activities going on around us. We use these every day to “sense” what is happening. These energy sensors are centered in a line, along the front of our spine, inside the body, behind the organs, but they actually look like big balls, or disks, and extend outward through the nerves, muscles and organs in each of their areas. They even go out into the space around us. You know, you can sense what people are feeling across the room and even influence people for the better with your good “vibes.”

    It has been discovered that, in an alpha state, our subconscious minds absorb and record, literally, all the energies around us. In our mother’s womb, we recorded everything she experienced, consciously and unconsciously, in our own subconscious minds, at least during the traumatic events we want to get rid of. During birth and infancy, in what is called the ‘pre-verbal’ years, we also imprint many circumstances going on around us, including the words that other people were saying, thinking or implying. This can also happen in later childhood and even all the way up to the present time, if we are in a physically induced alpha state of significant tension, outside physical pressure, or some physically induced unconscious or druggy state.
    ….

    And during these experiences, even when there aren’t words actually spoken, we ‘get the message’ any way, and that “getting,” is a real physical imprint. So, because the energies of those messages get implanted in our bodies, the messages still keep telling us the same thing.
    ….
    In “this” lifetime, the material in our stack started accumulating at conception and continued to pile up and inter-connect through the periods of prenatal, birth, infancy and childhood. In what we call “past life” scenarios, which parallel those in “this” life, the key elements are the traumas that we underwent “back then.”

    Now, as I said, there are other scenarios, in the same stack, that are called past life experiences. Whether one believes in past lives or not, doesn’t seem to matter. The scenarios are always there and can be processed. Some Christian people call it the “creative unconscious.” What’s important to understand about eliminating the source programs of our patterns is that these “deeper” or “earlier” experiences at each of the levels is keeping a lot of the negative aspects of our patterns and problems in place. The elimination of these energies is just as important as the elimination of those from prenatal, birth and infancy.

    In past lives, or whatever you wish to call them, traumatic situations similar to those in this life, are accessed in the therapy. Dr. Morris Neth¬erton, the developer of this kind of technique as a psychological therapy, offers an explanation from his experience. He thinks that, as souls, we have ‘issues’ to work out in order to learn universal love and compassion. He theorizes that we select a mother (and father) who have many of the sane issues so we have another chance to work them out. The period of ‘re-seeding’ the issues occurs from conception to birth. As a soul energy being, we have the issues. But in order to force us to work them out, they have to be implanted in our physical body so we again think they are our own issues. Thus, they’re put in the unconscious mind, as programs.
    ….
    These early life experiences get their energies directly embedded into our unconscious minds. There is no reasoning. And, in the Netherton vernacular, they link us to the similar experiences in “past lives.” But in those experiences, we got killed, often violently and, with others, very maliciously. Earlier than that, we ourselves did the violence and malicious killing. It is these old experiences where we died, or killed people, that make up some of our most deep seated, unconscious negative energies.

    …people who ignorantly push aside the term “past life” in this therapy, or processing, miss the point. A few have said to me that they aren’t interested in solving their past life difficulties because they already have enough to do in this life. But we’re not solving past lives any more than we’re fixing childhood abuse. Adult body distortion and self-defeating unconscious information is the problem. What we call it is not important. Getting it out of us is. We just call it “past lives,” versus something else, because the term fits what thousands of people see. The scenarios are always very detailed movies of what we recognize as past places and what people did in those days. And we also die in them!

    And that’s the key to the problem. Data from thousands of observations shows that all lifelong issue psychological problems stem from unconscious fears of death. Obviously, thinking you’re all of a sudden going to die is a scary and upsetting proposition.
    Consciously, we don’t have these fears; and in current reality, imminent death is not a relevant issue. But in the ‘triggered’ and related scenarios stored in the unconscious mind, death and near death experiences are an actual part of the scenario.

    ok… well If anyone wants me to e-mail them the full document let me know.

    This was something amazing for me and I’m still just relaxing from it. I just “saw” the woman who found me in past life come and find me … on my own… without the practitioner… and she said something to teh little boy that definitely is a belief imprinted in me…

    oh poor thing he couldnt do anything…

    I don’t actually die in this episode… I am taken to the hospital and my arm is messed up. My left arm. The one I have broken in this life.

    whoa. I asked the Angels for some healing and I really got it this time huh… (sounds like an imprint too… “you really got it this time” … thats what the man was saying to me when he was kicking me… I might go over this one again because it was my first time and just to make sure it’s all cleared)

    wow. Blows my whole mind concept wow. Wow wow wow.



  72.  #72Daria on September 1, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    I didn’t quite explain right…

    we started with a this life episode.. my mom giving me a whooping… and that in turn was a repeat of the past life episode wher I was beaten, that I described…

    and much of the same words and energy were in both! Even up to my mom, and the man, smoking a cigarrette… freakin amazing… A M A Z I N G

    I coud FEEL each person’s energy! OMgOSH.. I could SEE all of this!!



  73.  #73Daria on September 1, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Oh Also… this was an trauma (the whooping) that I thought was already cleared, because I had done EFT with a practitioner on it and did clear a lot of feelings… needless to say, this was about more than 10 times stronger of an experience in terms of accuracy of detail and of course the past life thingy… it’s still not done yet, because in the doc he says that when a past life trauma the person doesn’t die, they die again with the same thoughts…

    wow.. just wow

    I feel pretty shaken right now. I hope this works – because what I experienced was something that was just mindblowing in accuracy of detail… all the things I ‘thought’ might have happened did happen and they got clear… crystal clear in my mind this is jsut whoa



  74.  #74Mercedes on September 1, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Daria: I’m curious…did you believe in past lives prior to this experience? I don’t (for lots of reasons, but mainly because of my christian beliefs) and was wondering if this is something you had already explored. It seems to me like this is something I would have already needed to believe in or my entire brain and body would be resisting during the session. Were these already your beliefs or were you just able to let go of your existing beliefs during your session and embrace this way of thinking?

    I’m curious because I doubt something like this would help someone like me who would resist the teaching presented.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  75.  #75Daria on September 1, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Mercedes… I sort of did, but not really, if you know what I mean… I did think I well if I had had past life experiences they would be like so and so, but really mostly I was just thinking I made it up in my imagination…

    definitely I did not know about this particular “past life” or whatever where I was a woman and the little boy was there… its quite possible my mind created it in a way that would be healing for me… either way, the detail and the FEELING of what people were saying was SO amazingly real, and resonated with the words and experiences during the childhood whooping I had…

    The man does emphasize that for those of us ie. Christian believers who don’t believe in past lives, we can think of the event as something else, perhaps something we imagined with our unconscious… either way, even so the (positive) result is the same

    it really doesn’t matter if this is a past life or something I imagined to me…

    I DO want to say that , I think because he’s a man, the wording he uses is that this is energy in our bodies is ‘stuff’ that is not us

    I say since we are women, while it’s part of me, I’m going to LOVE me and ALL my feelings, even these energies taht were imprinted on me, until they are ready to release…

    so I LOVE MY FEELINGS!! =)



  76.  #76Daria on September 1, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    I am also considering strongly the possibilty that this was an image that I created out of my mind, to resolve the healing… but then the whole thing about me dying… and us retraumatizing this way now to bring it to healing…

    it does make easy sense to call it a “past life”

    then again I am about to do something tomorrow where I get in touch with my subconcious mind to create a whole magical world! so that would Not be a past life…

    anyway, although the events I saw were VERY earth-like and non magical, and I’m choosing to believe they were a real past life…

    it’s totally not necessary to call them past lives if we don’t believe in them… I mean that would be self defeating and as Mercedes said cause major resistance

    the point being that this releasing still works without believing that the event in question we are ‘seeing’ is a past life



  77.  #77Daria on September 1, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    I feel compeleed to keep typing! Geez! hehe

    the create a magical world thing im gonna do tomorrow is not with this guy. separate thingy



  78.  #78Mercedes on September 1, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Daria: Thanks for the clarification. I think I would still resist if someone were telling me “this is the way it is, but if you don’t believe it that’s okay…it’ll still work if you just make it something else that you do believe in instead”.

    I appreciate the fact that it works for you, I just know its not for me. I’m glad you were willing to talk to me more about it though (because later I realized that was a pretty personal question I asked) so thank you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  79.  #79Daria on September 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Mercedes,

    I think this guy is super compassionate and would support you whatever you believed. I do understand what you say though, I would feel weird too.

    I guess this really did work because even though I feel this would be an enormous experience for everyone, I no longer feel as compelled or desperate to convince you that this is The way for you.

    I think we can all find our own paths to healing… that is, when we are ready, and ask for it, our paths will show up.

    In the past few posts I asked God and the Angels for healing and I feel I have been guided to that.
    I KNOW this is life changing for me…

    also just something came up…

    what about the rephrase

    “this is the way it is FOR ME, but if you don’t believe it that’s okay…it’ll still work if you just make it something else that you do believe in instead”

    think of all the different religions, isn’t that what (when we’re tolerant of other religions) we are saying…

    this is the way I believe, but if you don’t believe in quite the same name or concept, it will still work for you if you use something else YOU do believe instead?

    that’s how I relate to people of different beliefs



  80.  #80Mercedes on September 1, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Daria: “this is the way it is FOR ME, but if you don’t believe it that’s okay…it’ll still work if you just make it something else that you do believe in instead”

    If that’s the way he’s teaching and not the way I originally perceived it…then cool.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  81.  #81Daria on September 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Mercedes,

    wow I feel glad. Apparently I am getting connection to you (and other people lately) yay.

    Well that’s how I took it, although his explanation was based on past life. HIS explanation. so I just figured well he may be looking at it this way… etc… he IS a man, and they can get all logical and one tracked 😉

    I do think he is very tolerant to people’s beliefs. He just seems like an awesome human being, I mean he is open to working with me at ALL times, ON THE SPOT, for hours, unlike many healer people who cut off at the one hour mark etc.

    has answered my emails continuously, is giving me major discounts because I said I didn’t have a lot of money, and I haven’t even paid him yet or been asked to

    I took the past life thing with a grain of salt. It does make a lot of “sense” because of his alpha wave trauma gets implanted in the body explanation etc… but then again lots of things make “sense” that can even seem contradictory

    other than that alpha wave thing, I am now starting to think that maybe this was my subconscious coming up with this for me…

    after all, tomorrow I’m gonna use my subconcious to create a magical world for myself, and I’m going to feel just as real in there.

    will report back with that

    i feel ambivalent aah… i’m going to just let go of this is it a past life is it not thingy…

    how about Both for me



  82.  #82Erika on September 1, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Rori, this made me think of White Tiger Tantra from Steve Piccus, which I got to see (but not yet experience) back in January. Literally eight guys massaging one girl and massaging every bit of tension out of her body.

    Wow, am I in touch with my anger these past few weeks. I’ve been standing up for myself in situations where normally I would have done a little bit (an almost imperceptible bit) of “stuffing.” Such as listening to my mom complain about her life. This week I found I could not even listen silently and also be authentic.

    Rage came up, and fast, and it turned into a “speech.” About how awful it felt when she wouldn’t spend $100 on a prom dress for me in high school. How painful it is to watch her eat herself into oblivion.

    Now there’s a long silence for my family, but finally for the first time in a long time, I feel mostly in integrity with what I said. And I told them they can expect a lot more of this. I plan to call out the bullshit everywhere I see it.

    And when my dad stepped in and tried to “appease” the situation, I called him on that too.

    I am no longer going to stand by silently because my silence is a form of extreme distance. Only by facing the past do we heal it. I’m intrigued to see what happens from here. My mom has been intractable, the most psychologically reversed person I’ve ever known, bent on her own self-hatred and destruction. The entire family has walked on eggshells around her for years, protecting her feelings while she goes on in denial of all her feelings and of her impact on everyone around her.

    But I don’t think she’s a match anymore from what I’ve learned about healing 🙂

    I feel empowered. I feel liberated. I am very excited to see what comes next.



  83.  #83gina on September 1, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    I went to a Kabbalah seminar a few weeks ago and left feeling very inspired. During the workshop, we each took a piece of paper out of a hat that represented a problem or an issue. The piece of paper i picked said “complascence/self-satisfaction.” The speaker said that people have a strange tendency to pick pieces of paper that match the challenge they are facing in life. The woman next to me said “Is that a problem for you?” referring to my piece of paper. I said “no. My problem is more that one,” and I gestured to her piece of paper that said “regret.” But then over the next few weeks I realized that I had released a lot of regret, and that I was dealing with a new challenge “self-satisfaction/complascence.” After working hard on buying, building, painting, fixing furniture for my new place, and arranging every thing just so, I am at a loss for what to do next. I was excited about these kabbalah classes potentially helping me live with purpose, but i felt a little suspicious of the “sales pitch” that went along with this particular program. I researched it online and found many complaints from people claiming that the program veers away from authentic Kabbalah, and gets to be a little cult-like when you’re further into it. No thanks. That felt dissappointing and frustrating. I am looking inside for a desire. I had an idea for a column/blog I could write called “Living Beautifully in Fort Worth” – the idea is sort of Sex in the City, minus the sex. It would be about living well inspite of the economy, and the headlines about the world coming to an end. I feel sorta inspired, but apathetic too. I’m looking for a deep desire. The only one’s I can identify right now are for Love and family. I want to build a beautiful home. I want to prepare beautiful meals for my family. I want to do creative work on the side to build my own income, but I want a good provider that I love passionately as my husband. Okay, but that’s not my life right now, and so in my free time I have been sleeping – I guess to avoid reality. To give myself some credit, I have changed my lifestyle lately – I have become organized and clean. I have been more punctual. I dress better all the time and look better. I have expanded my circle of friends, connected with strangers, flirted with men. That’s all very good. I used to want to be part of mainstream media – first I wanted to be as famous as Marilyn Monroe. Then i wanted to be as good as Meryl Streep. Then I wanted to do something positive like Oprah. Now I just think it’s all BS and I don’t really want to participate. It seems to me that everything in society is pretty dumb, and that the only thing that matters is family. And, for me, expressing creativity. I know that for my business, True Beauty Workshops, I created some good stuff. I don’t want to give it up – I wish I could sell the ideas to someone. I can keep doing it. That was my plan – to get settled into this apartment, and then refocus on True Beauty. I could. The good thing about it is that I get paid well, and it’s good work I can believe in. It’s also good cause then I have a basic plan, I just need to execute, rather than stay in this limbo mode, not knowing what I want to do when I grow up. I worked hard last year to develop a program with the idea in mind that this year i would EXECUTE – I’m dropping the ball. I’ve been using the economy/my apathy as an excuse to not do it. But, since I don’t have a better plan that is within my immediate control, I will get back into True Beauty. I will go make a plan and set some goals….



  84.  #84Tracy on September 1, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    I had this really wonderful experience with a guy i am attracted to yesterday when i used feeling messages and i felt that he actually understood what i was trying to tell hi…it was a really great feeling and i felt so connected to him and i felt that the matter got resolved….
    Its so great to see how Rori’s tool work like magic sometimes and what’s even more beautiful is that i don’t feel so hang up on him and infact i have another date today….I feel appreciative of where my life is and i feel that somehow i am edging closer to what i really want…i can feel it coming…
    Today is truly a really nice day….



  85.  #85Tracy on September 1, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    Erika,
    My mum has had to raise us alone since my dad died a few years ago and its been tough for her…..
    I experienced along the years her disappointments in life and loneliness and i had to step up and take responsibility most of the time even financially….
    I wasn’t ready and often i felt that it had been imposed on me….I had adjust my finances and even move houses to accommodate my family.
    My mum had to move to another country and i was left with my five siblings to take care of….i was only 24 years old and honestly the psychological impact was challenging…I lost weight,i had a series of bad relationships and i felt as though my life was on hold….
    My mum was going through a hard time as well and she would pile it on me sometimes…Fortunately for us…she got a good job and was able to take up some of the financial responsibilities….
    All this affected the way i relate to the world and i have been trying to adjust that and keep what feels good for me and change what doesn’t feel good….I feel that i have grown and i have expanded and the experience of it all has led me to what is now…I have learnt so much from so many people in the past 8 months and life does feel so different…I am still working on calling people on their BS…..i am so in tuned with taking care of others that it feels conflicting to consider my own feelings as well….
    Learning to let go and believing that i didn’t have to fix anything has been the biggest step for me…
    I feel amused sometimes when i observe how i analyze situations and always want to sort everything out…it does feel great but strange to just let go and stay in touch with my feelings…I feel blessed.



  86.  #86Tracy on September 1, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Gina,
    I am working on the same thing…setting up goals and changing my life…..I am working on my CV as we speak….I want to send some applications and rally for a better paying job…I have started a private business and i want to make extra money from that…..
    I am taking myself on a weekend out this coming weekend to practice my tools and enjoy myself and on top of that take a break…i can’t wait…and my french is getting better and better and i feel i will pass my upcoming exams…
    Want the same things for my family and husband…i have been visualizing a nice lovely home…on the countryside…3 boys and 1 girl…don’t know why that is but i feel happier with a big family…



  87.  #87Daria on September 2, 2009 at 12:49 am

    Ok you guys I’m going to be honest. I feel super shaken. I don’t watch scary movies because I feel so engorssed in them to the poin that they “mess me up” for days. when /I was young my arms started shaking uncontrollably almost all nite when I saw Thriller.

    so now I’m feeling shaken about the stuff I experienced. Maybe we didn’t complete it (we didn’t) but I’m feeling so stirred up. It’s replaying in my mind.

    BTW all we did after stretching is me sit down and recount this life event piece by piece according to… so what is this energy saying, what is this person saying? what is the next thing they said…

    then we went to the past life thing and omgosh I felt so real, I’m feeling shaken from it still.

    EFT feels much gentler but this work was on an event that I extensively EFTd. And believe me it was not cleared. It’s still not totally cleared.

    People might say why rehash if u worked on it, but that’s not how clearing methods are supposed to work, when cleared it’s fine to think back because it will really be cleared.

    Also some of the details I remember in the prenatal were not totally accurate, I guess it doens’t matter as long as the subconcious sets up the scenario. oh boy.



  88.  #88Daria on September 2, 2009 at 1:04 am

    I feel foolish because ?I got all excited about this on the blog and now I’m not sure. I feel foolish like when I get all eager and then someone cuts me off in a mean way..

    this is probably part of the scenario ?I don’t know…

    I know it’s affecting me…

    I feel abandoned by this guy because he had to go to the post office last nite, but I had gotten off the phone First, then called back because my break was over and we had already been doing this for 2 hours.

    I’m thinking maybe this is too much of a masculine approach. Maybe I can focus more on the loving everything way rather than on releasing stuff way.

    It’s more of a hero’s approach than a wise woman approach. Susun Weed talks about this a wise woman nourishes wholeness, while hero focuses on cleansing, releasing pollutants, which is how this guy frames his work. All approaches are valuable.

    I’m feeling shaken. I also feel amused. I just heard a little song that goes, I’m feeling shakeeen im feeling shakeeen

    Thank you self. hehe… I feel a lil more relaxed.



  89.  #89Daria on September 2, 2009 at 1:35 am

    Hey posting here and reading peoples posts and commenting has calmed me down a LOT! I feel smily now actually… yay!!



  90.  #90alias girl on September 2, 2009 at 3:58 am

    i really really like this post. i feel grateful. i feel very amused and curious that rori lays out the simplest things in really easy to understand ways and THEY SHIFT MY ENTIRE LIFE. i mean it has been a cumulative effect. but still. very exciting.

    i feel like this post has begun a new path of deeper discovery of myself .

    i feel like i am happier now than i have ever been in my life. heehe. i feel amused.

    i feel like if i am this happy without a man or pretty much even dates. weehee i can only imagine how good i will feel with a man i feel proud to call my baby. ooh. flashback of my ex. my EX.

    DELETE. backspace. i almost texted that guy today and then didn’t. i feel glad i didn’t. since i actually don’t want him in my life unless he is dedicating his heart life and soul to me. and last i checked that was not happening.

    but i did have some guy who i stop in his store sometimes give me a bunch of roses today. becuase i am super goddessey. and all the other people in line were like whoa. hehe. he said they were given to me unconditionally.

    i feel good. they look so pretty.

    also i feel good to just tell these guys the truth online and in life and whoever is coming at me with their hey sexy blah blah crap.

    i do not feel good to be called sexy by a man i don’t know. i feel disgusted and turned off. ok i don’t tell them that because i can choose different words and not be so harsh and rude.

    but i feel good to tell men my truth about what i like and what i don’t. i don’t even take any of them seriously anymore because they are not approaching me like a woman they might want to settle down with. so i take it as it is and as it comes. and then when they releaize that Hey Sexy Approach was a bust they are all over me. but usually that kind of guy doesn’t have enough solid substantial good stuff to offer yet because he is still in superficial pickup belt notch mode. so i tell them bye. and then they want me even more. but it’s s not a game for me. i truly mean bye. as in – not interested in occassional penis offers. thanks though.

    but most of them don’t interest me. and i feel fine about that. i feel good to keep practicing and raising the quality of Men i attract.



  91.  #91Tina on September 2, 2009 at 5:18 am

    I’m reading all the posts, I’ve been busy lately with work. I finally got an appointment with the doctor next tueday, he specializes in alternative medicine, I’ll soon find out the status of my hormones. I noticed a big difference in my body with evening primrose oil and mutivitimins, I bought some soy protein yesterday. I’ve stepped up my exercise , making better use of my treadmill, light weights and yoga dvd. I’m on my “time” and didnt get a tennis ball yet, I cant wait!

    I feel sad and lonely these days, I’m hearing a lot of rumors around T and this “other woman” he has been sleeping with. I know I am in a position that I can call him and have him be here any time, I feel sad that our ‘bond” was broken by him sleeping with and continuing to see her. I feel really awful about it. I feel hurt and offended that “our” relationship was no big deal to him, then I feel furious and I just want to lash out in some way, I wont.

    The rumor is she drinks like a fish and she was out with some dude and slept with the guy then went to his house had a shower then had sex with him. She is also methadone – I dont think he knows what that is. She is already talking about his penis size lol and demanding that he buy her alchohol and what ever else she needs, she is younger 28 yrs old, I’m 42 lol. He is apparently “losing his cool” with her a lot lately, since this started about three weeks ago. I feel shocked and awed around his behaviour lol, this is really not the man I know. wow. He is exposing his daughter to her wow.

    I also feel guilt around this, like its somehow my fault, if I didnt say my “speech” and stuck to my words then all this would not have happened , we would still be together and watching him “go down” wouldnt exist in reality. I want a re do!

    The rumor mill is definitely going to happily turning for quite some time, I feel it every where I go, I feel their eyes on me. The really brave ones will say to me , what happened to T? is going crazy or something? This one woman took me out for coffee, she said Tina, everytime you two were out anywhere, he looked at you with a sparkle in his eye, he adored you blah blah blah, he did everything for you blah blah blah. I gave her the details of my “speech’ he “chose” to walk away blah blah blah. She says “you got along so well” he was always following you around blah blah blah. You guys did things together blah blah blah, why? why? why? even my “boss” is getting in on the action lol. I havnt seen or heard from him, I cant. I’m taking care of myself in the meantime instead. I feel before I would never have taken this action , taking care of myself , feeling my feelings. I feel my feelings of love stretch beyond the world in to space, my heart is as big as the moon. I feel really sad at the same time, I just know I have to love and take care of myself.



  92.  #92Daria on September 2, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Tina I feel glad you’re feeling love for yourself…

    I’m feeling upset because my mom just yelled at me in this awful way.. “just like in the past life thingy” words… and I feel sad

    really I just wanted to say Tina watch out for soy protein as far as I know soy can be really unhealthy in most forms even though they say its healthy

    i believe that if it resonates with me though then it is good, so if you feel soy protein is good for u then go for it… i evne believe that if i resonate with mcdonalds food then its gonna be good for me



  93.  #93Linda G on September 2, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Tina; I wouldn’t listen to what people are telling you about your ex, how geat things were, etc. You have to remember that what we are learning here ishow to be ravished and appreciated, loved and adored, accepted by a man in a way tha most women don’t dare demand. I have afriend who attaches herself to any man who shows her the slightest attention, she overlooks so much to get the tidbits. Only you know your standards, perhaps your guy will make a turnaround, but it has to be on your terms, you can’t think things would be great had you not stated your truth. It’s easy to rose color the past, remeber your point in making your speech.stick to your boundaries, acknowledge your core needs. This is the key to your happiness, not the mirage your coworkers and neighbors are telling you was perfect.

    PS I have read that soy is good for women in preventing breast cancer and staving off perimenopausal symptoms. You have to know your own body, as Daria says. I cannot tolerate dairy, and yet both of my children are highly allergic to soy.



  94.  #94Daria on September 2, 2009 at 7:28 am

    ok ladies back at it wiht a smile!!!

    the energies are trapped IN my body so stomping not too hard on the floor but hard enough to wiggle my butt while on each stomp saying a word of the sentence coming up is helping me!!!

    oh gosh it feels good to get that stuff said out loud… i am not really paying attention to getting it factually straight in a line or even looking at it I’m just saying what comes to me and stomping it

    woo this is fun fun

    they are trapped in my legs and butt and pelvis

    they are also in liver etc so when i get to that part i will pay attentio to liver and say the stuff…

    he is giving me email instructions boy am i glad he reminded me about the stomping because this is great fun



  95.  #95tinque on September 2, 2009 at 7:49 am

    FYI – There are far better sources of phytoestrogenic foods than soy. Soy has only one phytoestogen, and it’s hard on the system, hard to break down, hard to digest, etc.,and excess which is different for everyone can actually do more harm than good.
    A far better source is red clover but NOT in pill or capsule form. Herbal infusions (Daria – ala Susun Weed) are the BEST ways to get the nutrients you need. Order red clover blossoms or leaves but blossoms are preferable (since they are expensive, I buy a mixture of blossoms and leaves which really doesn’t have many flowers, so I buy a small amount of flowers and add them in). Red Raspberry leaf is another good one. Drink them both.
    Recipe – Put an ounce of dried herb of choice (a good handful) in a glass container and add a quart of boiling water. Allow it to steep at least eight hours. (if you prepare it the night before, it’s ready by morning) Strain and refrigerate. Susun recommends a quart a day. I can’t handle that much. Over two days is fine. It will stay fresh about three days in the fridge.
    Add honey or something. It’s not the greatest tasting stuff, not bad, but not like wow this is yummy, but it is bar none the BEST source of phytoestrogens.
    You could try adding fruit juice or any other drink that tastes good to you.
    I order mine from http://www.mountainroseherbs because their prices are good, they are owned and run by women, and they are a green company, almost 100% sustainable, but there are many reputable herb sources online.

    Daria – You’ve mentioned Susun before. She’s awesome. I spoke to her on the phone a few times. What a wealth of knowledge. Do you have any of her books?

    Tracy – Je ne savais pas que tu parles francais. (Je m’excuse. Il n’y a pas d’accents sur mon ordinateur.)
    Une de mes amies est francaise mais je ne la vois pas souvent et maintenant je suis ici et elle est la bas.
    Franchement je ne parles plus tres bien. Pas d’occasion.
    xxoo



  96.  #96Daria on September 2, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Okey dokey gota stretch drink super duper water and keep stomping as I feel where the energy is in body, liver, etc,

    but I have been stomping it out of my legs jumping like a goat

    it feels refreshing

    leave it to me to find a super intense release method that is mega physical and emotional visual auditory you have it…

    I Dare someone to try this method

    lol gonna stomp that one out right now… “I dare you to try it!”

    haha

    ps – gotta do the stretches with the fascia loosened so the emotions can loosen outta there

    go warrior woman me yay



  97.  #97Daria on September 2, 2009 at 8:07 am

    how do you discipline kids without hitting them for example say they are tryna put their fingers in the electricity socket and you tell them no like 3 times and they don’t listen

    but now I don’t think i’m gonna try to give them mega traumatic whoopings,

    maybe a lil slap on the hand thingy

    I don’t want them to be spoiled



  98.  #98Daria on September 2, 2009 at 8:57 am

    oh my gosh the sweat is just pouring off of me doing this wow…

    emoting so much



  99.  #99Daria on September 2, 2009 at 9:02 am

    Moi je parle un peu de francais aussi!

    heeh. Tinque you’ve talked to her really! (susun) is she still available by phone once a week?

    I haven’t talked to her, I do make infusions but I LOVE the way they all taste, well I dont drink soda or even sweetend tea so i bet that’s why

    I am gettin red clover too, so far i’ve had comfrey, nettle, and mullein

    Oh yes Ladies I remeber from earlier Comfrey paste/ointment/oil is GREAT for softening up vaginal tissues healing and at the same time strenghtening them

    I really like herbs found I had natural curiosity for them and now i consider myself a magic herb medicine woman even though i only know a few so far



  100.  #100Daria on September 2, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Tinque I don’t have any of Susun’s books but I get her e-letters and look stuff up from her online.



  101.  #101tinque on September 2, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Daria – I took a correspondence course with her which is how I got to speak to her.
    I like oatstraw the best, red clover next, but I stopped drinking them awhile back. I can’t take things, anything, for extended periods of time. It’s probably time to cycle them back in.



  102.  #102Rori Raye on September 2, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Gina – you GO girl. Just map out a plan, map out the little, tiny baby-steps, and do them.. One at a time, even OUT OF ORDER. Just get moving, and momentum will take you the rest of the way, and you’ll find your “motivation” just from “self-satisfaction.” Love, Rori



  103.  #103tina on September 2, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Daria, thank you. I feel living in fear is far more dangerous for my health lol. Fear of feeling that I deserve happiness. I had one of my sad moments not to long ago and had a moment of clarity. I felt/found a I have/held a belief that I dont deserve much of anything. I loved myself anyway. My world was never a “safe place” I found that I do deserve to feel safe, I deserve to feel happy. I ‘went there” in my body, I found that place, I stirred it around a bit lol. I did some breathing tools today, accupressure.



  104.  #104alias girl on September 2, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    tinque i am working with new thoughts around safety as well. thank you for a safe universe that allows me to expand joyfully. that i get to open myself and be vulnerable and be my true self and i am safe and protected. i can shine and people can be entusiastic and appreciative and i am safe and protected. thank you. i can leave my windows open and my doors unlocked and i am safe. i am safe. i feel safe and protected and i am. building friendships and being friendly is a safe and enjoyable actitivity. thank you. love is the ruling power of the universe.



  105.  #105Bethany on September 3, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Well, Ok. If I stop working, what does that look like? Saying, okay Chris, I really feel uncomfortable driving all that way, I’m sorry I feel bad but I’m not coming? What if I tell my dad, sorry dad, I feel bad and I know this is a big deal for you, but I don’t want to go to this health care meeting? What if I just do what I WANT to do, like drive to Chicago for the long weekend to check it out? Even typing that I feel guilty and fearful of disapproval. What if Christopher gets disappointed and dumps me? What if I disappoint my dad and someday when he’s gone I’ll wish I’d been a better daughter? Okay, well, that feels really shitty. I feel like the most negative energy on this blog and I feel bad about that. I feel scared to do this but so what if I hurt his feelings if I tell him I changed my mind about driving up to him? He will do what he wants and he’s going to his cabin anyway. My dad will do what he wants and he’s going to his health care meeting anyway. What do I get out of complicitly going along? I get to feel obedient. I get to feel like I’ve pleased them both. I get to feel incredibly angry and justified. I get to feel fearful of losing control over everything. I get to feel like they’ll both take their love away if I don’t do what they want. Okay, analyzing again….stop, stop, stop…I hate this!!!! I hate having to do the basics!!! GRRRRRRRR I feel so frustrated…I feel so scared…I feel so confused!!! Dear Universe, please give me one tiny little clue as to what direction I should take. I want to feel a little bit like I’m spinning my wheels for a reason. I would greatly appreciate and feel thankful for a clue as to how to move in a new direction.

    I feel less intense now. Thank you for the reality check, Rori. I feel resolved to get back to my structure.

    But, to anyone here who is excited about their career path…how did you get to that decision?! How did you KNOW what you wanted to do?



  106.  #106tinque on September 3, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Bethany – Follow your heart. She already spoke here loudly and clearly.
    As for career, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and I’ve learned to love that, for I get the wonderful opportunity to experience so many different and varied things, some I keep with me always, others I tire of and discard.
    xxoo



  107.  #107alias girl on September 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    bethany i feel grateful for your sharing. i feel grateful for all the sirens sharing no matter what they are going through or how it comes out.

    i can often tell how good a decision was for me by how i feel AFTER. A possible experiment is do what YOU WANT and then see hoe you feel. OR tell those people what you are CONSIDERING DOING and say what do you think? like dad i want to spend time with you and i love you but i’m not so sure this healthcare meeting is for me. i’m considering not going. what do you think? then you have the option of putting your toes in the water with new behavior.good luck. i feel supportive.



  108.  #108alias girl on September 3, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    as for career. god only knows what would make me happy. i seem to be happy with no career. my likes and desires change so frequently that it’s hard to really get my heels into something. preferably i feel good with just hanging out with a lot of money. that feels good and right to me.

    but i realize that’s not for everyone. i would just keeptrying new things and ideas til one feels right.i know you have mentioned writing. and you are a good writer. so maybe that would make you happy.



  109.  #109DocK on September 3, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Yes, Tinque, I agree – I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. AG, I’m with you as well. If I had unlimited funds, I would probably take dance classes til I drop and get another PhD or 2 (I LOVE school), work out, travel and spoil myself and my family and friends.



  110.  #110Tracy on September 3, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Tinque,Dock,
    You guyz rock!totally agree with you on the career bit!I feel that life is about experimenting and trying new and different things everyday…
    It feels great to have all these desires coming up…trying them out and finding out what really fits and what doesn’t…then going back to trying out stuff again…
    I did feel a bit unsure about my career awhile back and what i really wanted to do….now i just feel confident that i am on the right path and i am trying all the things that feel good for me and letting it just flow…