Use Your Gluts Instead Of Your Quads To Get Your Man

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Your quads are in the front of your thighs, and your gluts are in your butt. They actually ARE your butt.

So how can the way you use those muscles possibly make any difference in your love-life?

Because when you walk around every day mostly using your quads to hold you up and move you, you are automatically Leaning Forward.

When you mostly use your gluts to walk around, you’re automatically Leaning Back.

Of course, we need both sets of muscles working together — and in OPPOSITION to each other — to keep ourselves strong and healthy and on our feet.

But what happens with so many of us is these two muscle groups get all thrown out of balance.

And which set gets stronger?

Your quads. The ones in front. The ones that are pulling you forward. The ones that make you Lean Forward.

Even if you work out, and you work those gluts, the chances are good that your quads, in front, are even stronger. Try this:

1. Go ahead and take your clothes off and stand in front of the mirror.

2. Now turn sideways. Stand normally, don’t try to have good posture just stand in a way that feels normal and right and the way you usually stand.

3. Take a look at the lower part of your belly and pelvis and how your pelvis relates to your upper torso.

Does it look like your pelvis tips backwards as it goes from belly button to hip? Away from your belly button? And that your butt sort of curves away from your back?

Does it look like you’re sort of leaning forward? Like your whole body is slightly tilted forward?

Notice where you are on your feet. Do you feel like you’re more on the balls of your feet than solidly planted on your whole foot?

4. Put your hands on the front of your thighs. See if you can feel the tension level there. Now put your hands on your butt and see if you can feel the tension level there.

5. Now see if you can play with shifting your weight to the front of your feet and then backwards to your heels. See if you can feel the difference in the tension in the front of your thighs and in your butt. See if you can tell a difference in the mirror. See when you’re tilting forward and when you’re tilting backward.

6. Now stand in the very beginning position of the Rori Raye Dance Position — put one foot behind the other (so you don’t fall over). Look at yourselves standing sideways in the mirror, and see if you can get comfortable tilting your upper body slightly backward.

See if you can tell the difference between how your quads in the front of your thighs are working and how your gluts in the back of your hips are working.

7. Now take this out into the world. See if you can tell when you’re Leaning Forward and when you’re Leaning Back. See if you can tell which muscle group you’re using.

This has made a huge difference in my awareness of how my body contributes to the “vibe” I radiate.

Let me know how it works for you. Love, Rori

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52 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on May 6, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I can’t feel that much tension in my butt when standing… even when leaning back on my heels. I can REALLY feel it when I walk, leaning back on my heels and squeezing my butt.

    Bellydancing and T-tapp workouts have really helped with my posture and I’m able to lean back pretty well. I feel like I’m gliding and “dancing” when I’m walking… and people of all ages stare at me all around the street.

    Now when I feel shut down, I dono if I am able to hold the position…



  2.  #2Linmayu on May 6, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    This is very interesting. I’ve always had ridiculously strong, out-of-balance quads and my pelvis leans forward quite naturally. 20 years of dance teachers couldn’t beat it out of me so I feel doomed from the start–but I’ll experiment and see if I can change it.



  3.  #3ann on May 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    reading from mobile. want to try this.



  4.  #4Daria on May 6, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Linmayu… Not sure but I think our pelvis naturally tilts forward to a certain degree



  5.  #5Andréa Albright on May 6, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Rori, I love that you are teaching this body awareness exercise. So few people walk, stand or sit consciously – they just do “whatever feels good”. And unfortunately, this is what throws us all out of whack and leads to body and health issues.

    You are such a great example for us all to follow! Thanks for sharing your powerful tips that we can all practice. Love you Rori! 🙂



  6.  #6Rori Raye on May 6, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Andrea – you rock! Thank you for commenting, and I’m going to go ask you personally now for a guest post around this…Love, Rori



  7.  #7Linmayu on May 6, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    You know, I’d been trying to figure out how to lean back while walking for the LONGEST time, and this post explains it exactly! All my previous attempts, while they worked, I always felt frustrated at the speed I lost when I stopped leading with my chest and leaning forward. (I’ve always prided myself on being able to keep up with all the leggy 6’+ guys downtown–but my forward-leaning walk feels so stressy and masculine!) Walking from the butt seems to give me a leaned-back posture without sacrificing the speed and power that I’ve grown accustomed to. (I’ve got a BIG ol’ motor in the back of my Honda. :D) This is awesome! Thanks Rori!



  8.  #8Linmayu on May 6, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    I noticed, also, that walking this way makes me feel kind of unguarded. And walking fast and powerfully while leaned back feels INCREDIBLY ballsy–ironic that there really isn’t a better word for how it feels, because it’s really an audaciously feminine feeling. It feels open and vulnerable and powerful and LOOK OUT WORLD. The few men out at this late hour were definitely staring.



  9.  #9Robin on May 7, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Rori, I Love, love love this post!!! Thank you!!!

    I read a great book recently on sensuality that mentions leading with your hips and butt when walking; Thisautomatically slows you down and gets you into your body, but I couldn’t understand how to relate how we walk to the energy exchange-Thank you SO SO much for explaining how the way we walk makes us lean back v. lean forward.

    Daria, you bellydance? Me too, and I LOVE it!!! I feel so happy to hear that you bellydance! I really find that it gets me in touch with my femininity.



  10.  #10Linmayu on May 7, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Yay, even more bellydancers here! It’s been way too long (about a month) since I’ve danced…



  11.  #11JNB on May 7, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I have been trying this, and I feel like Ginger from Gilligan’s Island; it feels great!! Walking while leaning back has me taking slower, hippier steps, which feels very feminine. I guess it makes sense…you’re leading with your most feminine body part and not with your head, right?

    I am hooked on these femininity-increasing tips. I also loved the post about picking out songs where male singers are singing about love and wanting, and you imagine they’re singing to you. I’ve been practicing with that too, using it to keep a “filled up with love” feeling.



  12.  #12Daria on May 7, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Ok so I just had my much awaited EFT therapy session with an EFT guy I found on youtube. I did feel like I got to some important feelings… I cried several times…

    especially what came up is my not wanting to leave people behind… turns out

    “they’re alwasy leaving me behind” was a huge trigger that I cried and cried for.

    We also worked on a kinda weird thingy from my childhood that brought up sex issues sorta.

    Ok well all was dandy, except at the end he said something… about visiting my country and that he’s single and interested in meeting a woman and do I have anyone from there I could introduce him to.

    This made me feel uncomfortable!!! It was a trigger for me when someone says that I feel like judging them as being sleazy…

    I said yes I did (I was thinking about my cousins but I realized they would not be interested)… and told him he should visit it is really fun…

    WEllll…. now I feel weird because I felt uncomfortable by his comment and even though I know he’s a single man probably in his 40’s and logically there’s nothing wrong with him looking for a lady… I felt turned off… and uncomfortable….

    So now I am thinking about canceling my next session…

    what do you guys think?



  13.  #13Robin on May 7, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Ooh I feel really turned-off and sorta irritated when men ask a woman if they know of any ‘women’ to meet, I mean , come on…

    Since Im on a ‘speak my truth’ thing and standing up to men about things that feel uncomfortable, I would get brave and say that…

    He probably knows that’s not exactly appropriate, and he could be interested in YOU, but still, that really does make us feel weird when it happens, I know it does to me when it happens, so I’ve just started saying it feels bad as soon as I notice that it feels bad…



  14.  #14Daria on May 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    aha…
    thanks Robin. Yeah I felt uncomfortable because this was a therapist.

    I did some feeling and EFT on it though and realized this is a trigger for me… I have my mom’s voice saying that’s not appropriate (for an older man to say something like that)

    and me also thinking that since I didn’t feel attracted to him it’s “bad” for him to flirt with me…

    after doing some EFT on it I realized though that he was just flirting with me (sortof), which is really up to me to take it good or bad… and I could definitely say I feel uncomfortable… I mean if he’s feelings are hurt I’m sure he can EFT on that… haha

    I’m like not feeling blame anymore towards him for it at all… I’m actually glad to notice this trigger



  15.  #15Daria on May 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I was just rereading some of my Mama Gena books and I was looking specifically at one exercise where she proposes that we try to turn ourself on in front of a “geek.” That is find something about him we Do like and start to feel turned on… so that we can realize the turn on is about US and not really as much about Him.

    That is really cool, and although I feel weird and uncomfortable thinking about turning myself on in front of a “geek,” I am realizing this is my own trigger blocking me from feeling good!



  16.  #16cookie on May 7, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Hi ladies, I’m back with a new question. So lately I’ve been attracting more men that are attractive or decent looking. But problem is that they keep giving me their numbers. I don’t intend on calling them that’s work. So then what cuz in nyc u meet people in quick flashes n that’s it they’re gone?



  17.  #17Rori Raye on May 7, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Cookie and everyone – solve this problem practically. Get lovely business cards made (you can do it very inexpensively on Overnightprints.com (you can upload any photo you wish…design it how you like…)) – and when a man gives you his number, look at it – say how cool…and then say “I’m just a girl here, I know this is New York, and yet I feel so much better getting calls instead of making them…here’s how to reach me…” and give him YOUR card. As long as you’re soft instead of hard, and can turn your body away from him to go about your business with a smile, that’s a good Circular Dating interaction. And if you don’t hear from him in two weeks, you can experiment with calling and see what happens…Love, Rori



  18.  #18Daria on May 7, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    THANK YOU RORI!!!!!



  19.  #19Ann on May 7, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Oh wow now I know I’m learning(at least in my head). I was going to respond to Cookie suggesting getting business cards. And when she gave them to guys she wanted to, say “I prefer men call me, adding in a soft voice, “it will feel good to hear from you.”



  20.  #20Ann on May 7, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I might talk alot tonight ladies. I feel somewhat anxious and concern about my hubby’s surgery next week, but worrying about it tonight doesn’t help me live in the moment.

    Rori you said “And if you don’t hear from him in two weeks, you can experiment with calling and see what happens” I understand experimenting but if this is a man we’ve just met and had no futher contact with, wouldn’t that be leaning forward?



  21.  #21Linda G on May 7, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    hmmm…I haven’t had business cards in years. I kinda like to make a man work to get my number. If I’m out, and he asks for it, I say sure, and if he asks if i have a card, I say no, then he asks for a pen, and I say, gee, sorry, I don’t have one. then he has to work to get the pen and paper. and I keep smiling all the while.
    I hate calling men, always have.
    but..I lived in NYC most of my life, and cards are a brilliant idea for that pace of exchange. I also like Rori’s suggestion to experiment and after two weeks to call them.

    Daria, that guy would make me feel uncomfortable, too. I don’t like when professionals cross that boundary into personal or social stuff. But you are handling it to your learning advantage. kudos.

    PS I tried to find a pole dancing class where I live. All I got were listings in NYC which is too far. maybe belly dancing is the way. I danced ballet for years, and though I no longer dance, it has permanantly affected my gait, which is partially the reason I took up dance to begin with.



  22.  #22cookie on May 7, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited that Rori responded to me. I just told my mother jokingly that I’m going to call my Rori and ask her about this situation. I posted thinking the girls would answer and low and behold Rori responded. Thank you.

    I feel really weirded out about making business cards but honestly since NY is so fast paced and businessey I guess that wouldn’t be so far fetched. Actually maybe I should be working on my actual business in the process.

    Wow, this Circular Dating thing is really about shifting my whole stance in life. I feel afraid but I think I am willing at this point to say the feeling messages for now.



  23.  #23Robin on May 7, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Rori,

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I love the business card idea!

    Ann, I can TOTALLY relate, I did this earlier this week, and was wondering if it seemed impersonal, I am SO glad that we can do this and feel good about it!!!

    Now is it OK if the guy ask ‘can I have your number?’ to just say ‘that would feel good, here’s my card…’



  24.  #24Daria on May 7, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    Robin… yeah i think that it just makes it easier having the card to give the number to them that way…



  25.  #25Linmayu on May 7, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    I know if I don’t hear from him in two weeks, then, NEXT! In fact I’d probably forget about him in two days. This Diva doesn’t have time to keep track of men who don’t follow through.

    I’m feeling annoyed and unimpressed with the caliber of men I’m attracting. Man. I thought it would be all that just to have mutual attraction going on…but with some guys I feel embarrassed and turned off, or I feel annoyed and unseen apart from being a nice body. I’ve picked up attention from someone I was actually attracted to since last January, but now that he’s on to me it doesn’t feel as good as when it was just meaningless flirtation. Shocker: sometimes being called sexy doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good when it feels like someone expects to have some kind of right to me when we haven’t even been on a date. I always feel so embarrassed and tongue-tied.

    I guess now I know what it’s like to be a pretty girl who gets a lot of attention and gets bored with all the men. But, not having ever been in that situation in my life, I don’t know how to act and I feel awkward.

    It is a nice little ego boost, though. 😉



  26.  #26cookie on May 8, 2009 at 5:59 am

    I was kinda feeling the same way about the two week thing, Linmayu. And after all these years of struggling and finally settling into my skin and own beauty, I am receiving less comments about my body and more about my prettiness, gorgeousness, attractiveness etc.

    It’s still really hard to take it in, without thinking “who me” especially since I’m still overweight and working on getting my body back. I do feel really awkward too when men say anything to me, so I just say thank you. But I do feel like I’m late. Like pretty girls who have been pretty all their lives have gotten it all figured out and I’m still learning to accept the attention.



  27.  #27Erika on May 8, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Mmmm… I’m having fun reading these comments.

    Daria, belly dancing … now that sounds sexy! Does it feel sexy?

    As for the cards, I recently had very sexy personal cards made with my blog on them. I feel a little shy about them but also excited. I’ve been giving them to guys, and they say, “now this is the kind of card you keep around.” Lol 🙂 Mainly my point is not to meet guys but to let people know about my blog.

    Speaking of which, Rori, when I read this article, it reminded me of the push-pull guest article that I posted a couple of days ago. It’s written by a guy (a very sexy guy who does very well with women), and it’s about push-pull flirtation. IMO this works just as well for women as for men. It’s a rhythm we can get into of flirting a little, then taking a baby step back, and so forth.

    Wishing everyone a beautiful day 🙂 Smiles

    xoxo,
    Erika



  28.  #28Daria on May 8, 2009 at 9:53 am

    OMG walking back on my heels… while wearing heels… just changed my world last nite!

    Thank you Rori.

    More later…



  29.  #29Daria on May 8, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Erika… bellydancing feels like being a real life Goddess, made of a fluid material and a body made of shimmering lushness. In other words, it feels like The Real Thing that we imagine it to be. All of that mystery and sensuality and sacredness… yup I feel that.

    I feel curious why they say that about your card… do you have your picture on it… I feel inspired…

    I am SOOO Interested in Rori discussing PUSH PULL in a Rori lean back way. PUSH PULL is the most interesting “attraction” concept to me from men’s attraction materials. I feel a little like I’m leaning forward trying it the way it’s described for them,,, so I’d really be interested to see how it best works for women (Goddesses) because I believe it Does work and we use it while leaning back I’m sure, I just don’t “get” it yet mentally…



  30.  #30Robin on May 8, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Ekria,
    What is your blog address? I am REALLY intersted in reading about the push-pull flirting…

    Daria, I feel curious about walking on the back of your heels while wearing heels..I’d really love to hear about it! Also, do you have a favorite type of bellydance you study? I felt so happy reading about the femininity it elicits..I’m totally relating to that feeling right now…I really feel completely connected to my inner goddess dancing..and I love love LOVE the shimmering lushness you described…you described it to a tee……… 🙂 🙂



  31.  #31Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Robin… whenever Ericka posts, click on her NAME at the top of the posting… that will take you right to her blog.



  32.  #32DocK on May 8, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I feel SOOOOOO angry, hurt, frustrated and stupid right now but I don’t even know what blog to write this in.

    Had lunch with male friend. Reminds me of someone talking about political discussions but most of you said you enjoyed the banter. I didn’t like this but maybe because it speaks to women and how men view them and the mandate that they ALWAYS be feminine.

    Talking about women and sports. I have studied a lot on this and was my dissertation subject on femininity. He was suggesting that if women would play up the fact that they ARE women and be more visually appealing, blah blah blah. HUGE f-cking trigger for me because my dad placed so much emphasis on a woman’s appearance but also because the women in my study wanted to be valued for their athletic performance and didn’t want to have to play basketball in spandex.

    You know, I get that women are more enticing to men when they are feminine but they shouldn’t have to be sexy and visually appealing in everything. Some of the women in sports ARE gay and they shouldn’t have to worry about subscribing to society’s standards for heterosexual women and should be able to just play the damn game the way men do and be valued as competitors.

    Angry with myself as well because I know that i was the cheerleader, the dancer, the ring card girl and that I was/am part of the whole thing that women feel they have to live up to – and be the fantasy, the sexy thing but I know that it didn’t always feel good to be treated and viewed as nothing more than T & A.

    I feel confused because I know that I STILL like to dress sexy and feminine but – why not? I guess it isn’t that I dont think that our world shouldnt have any female eye candy but I just don’t get why we don’t have more of men that way. guys LOVE to point to the animal kingdom to justify bad behavior – yet if you look at insects, mammals and birds – it is always the male that is the pretty one and the females are visual – how did it suddenly happen that when it comes to humans – men are visual and women aren’t? It’s BS.

    Feel stupid and angry because I know that I didn’t do the rori dance and stop and feel but just got so worked up trying to express myself…

    sorry for the ranting. I just know that deep down, I struggle with all of these insecurities and feeling like I am never going to be good enough. No matter how pretty, sexy someone is there is always someone else – someone different – someone new.

    rori says that men arent stupid – they know the difference between the love of their life and a fleeting attraction to someone walking by – is that true? I wonder.

    Maybe that’s why I don’t get married – I’ve had proposals but I think I just always feel like, ‘you want something else – there’s the door.’ I dont want anyone to have to struggle with divorce courts or whatever to walk away. Sad, doesn’t that mean that I really don’t believe that there is a guy out there for me that doesn’t WANT to walk away?



  33.  #33Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    I want to share about my amazing nite last nite.

    I went out with a girlfriend who has an amazing body, and shows it off. Sometimes out with her I feel like everyone is staring at her… the way she walks is very feminine…

    Last nite I tried to consciously lean back and walk with my quads relaxed and use my glutes. I was wearing heels and even so I leaned back on my heels. This INSTANTLY gave me a sexy walk just like hers!!

    and here’s the amazing part… I felt so Good like this…

    My SOCIAL ANXIETY TOTALLY VANISHED!!!!

    As soon as I leaned back, I no longer felt attacked or “read” or threatened by the other people on the street… even though we had to walk by a group of crack users and homeless people in downtown San Francisco (yes the dance club, business district, and drug area are in the same location in San Francisco).

    Other times I would feel exposed, and would “shut down.” Leaning back and walking using my butt was AMAZING. I felt so thrilled and I felt happy and free. I was able to think of only what I was doing, instead of imagining bad fantasizies of being robbed, attacked, talked badly about, etc… which is what happens other times when I’m not leaning back walking.

    I mean I had NO social anxiety… now I’m wondering if this didn’t have something also with the beer I drank, but the difference was nite to day… as soon as I forgot for a second to lean back I instantly felt all the anxiety again.

    Also once in the club I noticed guys looking at me, and girls too and because of being leaned back I was able to embrace their looks instead of feeling threatened. I felt like I was the center and that men were throwing arrows at me by looking. I really FELT like I was in the center and I could do whatever, and FELT their energy coming to me, although they were at a distance!

    I read somewhere that when people are together a subconscious social hierarchy is established and theres always an Alpha (leader). Usually with my girl I feel like she’s the leader because I feel shy in public and kinda follow her around… Now I felt so comfortable to step away from her… I went forward first… but not with my quads, with my glutes!!! I felt like here I come world… just like Linmayu said… it’s really something…

    Then we went to another club and here were a bunch of guys I found a little more “my type” but who I usually think will like my girlfriend not me… This time I realized that IT WAS I THAT WAS PUSHING THEM AWAY!!!

    While leaning back, when one of them got closer or seemed to look at me, I instinctively felt afraid and closed up… because I was thinking that they would only like her!!! I felt so excited to realize that they must have been liking me too… but my energy/body language was saying I feel scared and don’t want to be approached… and this is happening with guys I FIND ATTRACTIVE!!!

    OMG!

    THis is sooooo BIG.

    So when I “couldn’t take it anymore” because I was feeling uncomfortable, I just TURNED COMPLETELY AWAY FROM THEM and started dancing by myself. This helped me!!

    Then someone came up dancing behind me… a guy who was SO everything wonderful. I continued leaning back and he leaned forward… he was MESMERIZED… he was sucha gentleman… he took care of me, walked me to my car… wow and it was all because of the gracious way I was leaning back, smiling at him and receiving… and ALSO turning away from him when I felt too pulled forward (like Rori said, as long as we can turn away from him and smile and go about our business… everything is good).

    He was like wow… you’re like a cat… because I had snuggled up to him… he kissed me… I felt so flowy, so Goddessy… I felt like a movie star… I felt totally comfortable getting so much attention… and I felt open to everyone and used the feeling curious tool instead of judging (mostly…)

    Today I tried leaning back at the grocery store and found it a little more challenging (maybe I felt tired ?)

    I would really like to feel free and comfortable even without drinking alcohol … but I really think that it was due to the Leaning Back much more than the drinking…



  34.  #34Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Oh… I should add that the guy that was dancing with me at one point was kind of implying asking if I could drive him home…

    And I just looked at him in his eyes and said very simply:

    Do you think you’ll be ok? Because I don’t want to drive you home…

    Now normally this would be negative and I would feel bad… but I was feeling so honest and absolutely Goddessy that he didn’t even take it as anything bad!!

    Turns out he only had to go 4 blocks away… so I said oh… that’s not bad… that’s fine. I felt so shocked at myself and my honesty and how well it went.

    This guy was such a gentleman the whole time and I even felt comfortable when I wanted a drink after the club I went and got my money and walked to the store… I did not feel resentful or need him to buy it for me… I just got what I wanted (he did buy me a drink in the club when I said I wanted one).

    I was just so In FLOW!!! And when we walked by people he would want to hold me closer… I could feel my energy get scared and want to close up when I got close to people, but BECAUSE OF MY LEANING BACK I DIDNT CLOSE UP!!!

    I stayed open and it felt amazing. I felt so safe! Phew what a relief from the nightmare world of danger I usually feel in these circumstances.

    Ohhh he also held my hand and stared at me as I was walking… because leaning back on my heels while on high heel shoes !!! LOOKS SEXY AS HELL!! I could feel my weight shifting and just stayed back and continued walking… and found myself laughing… he said: You already know!!! I could watch you walking all day!!!

    I did know… man did I feel good.



  35.  #35Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 1:56 am

    Daria, what a great night! I feel like a cat just listening to you!
    Awesome girl!



  36.  #36Flipper on May 9, 2009 at 4:09 am

    I tried belly dancing awhile back and it felt great. Only some injuries (not from doing it) have kept me from getting back to it, but it’s still in the cards. And the name is such a downer – ‘belly’ – and it’s not even true! Your tummy just goes along for the ride, it is not the c enter of interest or what you lead from. I like the term Oriental dancing better. It’s actually about leading with the joints and your thorax – as you learn to coordinate them you get that beautiful, sexy rippling, flowing water effect. (I don’t have back problems, but it’s apparently a great prevention and therapy to alleviate back pain.)

    To Linmayu and others who haven’t felt beautiful and assume pretty girls have some advantage. I was actually rather pretty – natural blond, classic features, good shape, loooong legs, but I didn’t often ‘feel’ like it and sure didn’t see many men responding much to me as if I were. Very little action from guys, and even some of that from pathological cases that just confirmed my mistrust. I’d look in the mirror and compare with magazines – check, okay – and ‘figure out’ that it was just my own conceit, or I was not good enough, or ‘too good’, in short, that ‘something was amiss’. And it was only the last reason that was right: what was amiss/missing was love of myself and belief in myself, i.e. self esteem. That really is what makes us attractive/ing. You’ve probably known many beautiful women that don’t have happy relationships – they either become bitter and their looks harden (there it’s easy to see how they push guys away) and or others that are just sooooo nice, and helpful, and great friends, it’s hard to see how they are alone (until you realize that they, too, have never felt their own importance and boundaries).

    There IS a measurable prejudice in society towards good-looking people, in the professional as well as most other walks of like (beware the cute criminal – he gets more lenient treatment, dupes others more easily), but I feel that just doesn’t cut it once people are dealing with real, intimate relationships. Maybe it even gets in the way, when people don’t realize the importance of and work on the rest, things that the more plain accomplish all along thanks to their self esteem .



  37.  #37Tina on May 9, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Dear Rori,

    You have done it again. I practiced the “walk” and I was pleased with the results. I was pleased with how I felt doing it, even when no one is looking. My practice/experiment walk was done with a camoflage t -shirt, old dirty jeans, big boots and no makeup with my hair tied up in a pony tail. The reason for my attire was I was doing some yardwork, I needed to go out to the garden center for peatmoss. Men were instantly look at my uh…private area lol then at my eyes. A glance here a stare there. I even attempted to make eye contact for five seconds but they would instantly turn away or cast their eyes down. I practiced the walk in the parking lots, my driveway, in my house everywhere!. I could feel my energy in places I never knew existed and the only one who felt this was me. I felt as though it was my own sexy little secret. I could feel my whole body radiating an energy , that I’m sure if I shared it with the whole world lol would feel as well. When I tried walking in my usual walking position, I could feel my hips pulling me back in to leaning back and feeling my butt cheeks do all the work. I felt strong , powerful and sexy all at the same time. Even my “boyfriend” was looking at my private areas before making eye contact, not something he usually does. He said he’ll call me later on in the evening, as a matter of fact he is calling right now. Thank you once again! I am so going to buy your ebooks lol.

    Tina



  38.  #38cookie on May 9, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    oh so can someone explain this lean back walk to me in simpler terms because i believe that i am doing that by pulling my shoulders back and bringing my stomach in but that to me feels like still leading with my breast. ( i do have large breasts, so maybe that’s it). I used to have an incredibly hippy sexy walk that I feel that I don’t have anymore now that I am more unhappy with my body. But after reading this, I tried what i thought was the more leaned back walk and I don’t really get the feelings you girls are describing. Can someone break it down a little more for me, especially how you walk with heels like this? Thanks ladies



  39.  #39Linmayu on May 9, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Ahahahaha, Tina unleashed the Goddess! And I feel inspired by Daria’s experiment–and jealous, because when I lean back, I have twice the social anxiety. Like, HOW DARE YOU act confident, Linmayu, who the hell do you think you are? And then I’m leaning forward again. 🙁

    I’m going to have to try this again with friends, high heels, and alcohol.



  40.  #40Daria on May 9, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    ok
    I can try cookie…

    It feels a liiitle bit like poking my breasts out however that is not the “main” emphasis of the walk.

    So anyways you put your heels on. Obviously that makes you kinda stand on the ball of your feet (the toe part).

    You DON’T do this. Instead… you lean your weight back to the heel. It might feel a little unbalanced at first so maybe practice lifting toes off and balancing for a quick second on the heels only. That’s the idea.

    Now you walk this way with weight on heels. THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART : CHECK THE QUADS (front of your thighs). You do not want quads to be very engaged. Instead use your butt as you walk and lean weight on the heel part of shoe – like I said a little balancing act – use butt by squeezing each side as you take a step. not engaging quads will make your butt squeeze naturally. Walk will immediately get “hippier” you will have a very sexy feeling “switch” to your walk.

    Now you are automatically leading with your hips… ie your lower body is walking, your upper body is just relaxing on top. Lean your upper body back a little bit. Gesture freely, use arms for balance. Smile and open up.

    It should kinda feel like your upper body is just getting carried along for the ride, on top of your super sexy hips. It might even feel like you are “doing too much.” Don’t worry about it. You’re not. Keep leaning back and when in doubt CHECK THE QUADS. They should be fairly relaxed.

    (kinda feels like your butt is pushing you forward).



  41.  #41Ann on May 9, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Cookie hears my understanding and how I do it when I remember to lol. Watch how models walk, how their hips sway back and forth. I’m right handed so when I do this my walk starts out on my left foot with that help swaying over, then to my right foot and hip swaying. That little hip swaying thing gets going and you feel so sexy. As someone said checkout Ginger on Gilligan’s Island. There was someone else I was going to say checkout but I forgot who it was at the moment lol

    When I’m not doing it I always start walking with my right foot first. Notice how you walk when you do your normal walk and when you try this.

    HTH



  42.  #42Daria on May 9, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Cookie… btw you do not have to pull shoulders back or stomach in… let all that relax. I sometimes would do that (pull shoulders and tummy in… not while leaning back tho) but right now i tried to do the lean back AND pull them in and I felt stiff as a board. REALLY took away the sexy feeling.

    The upper body should get to totally relax. This feels amazingly sexy. Tension is all in butt and Heels. It’s basically walking while stepping as much as you can on the Heel part of the foot.



  43.  #43Daria on May 9, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    I feel so excited because I remember one time a girl about my size doing such a walk down the street and ALL Guys staring to look at her and starting to clap and whistle … she did it on purpose. Well I felt jealous and I also knew that sometimes I hit that walk too… just didn’t know how.

    Now I got it! Its all about stepping hard on the back of those heels.

    YAY!! I FEEL THRILLED.



  44.  #44cookie on May 9, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Ok ladies, I’m going to reread these and try it on my walk tomorrow. Thanks for responding. Good nite all.



  45.  #45Linmayu on May 9, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Oh wow. I just put on a pair of heels and tried this in my kitchen. I feel like a completely different person. Rori, you’re a freaking genius.



  46.  #46Debra Dean on May 10, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have enjoyed all of your email. I have been seeing my first husband for about two years now. We divorced after 3 wonderful years of marriage and he was hardly ever home because he worked for Shell Oil Co. We met up again after 30 plus years. We still love each other very much and each of us had remarried and now we are divorced. He was married again for 20 years and I was married for 30 years. He has a 23 year daughter and I have a 19 year old son. The problem is he has been gone back up to Oregon and is suppose to come back to Texas. I haven’t heard from him in almost a whole month rather it be by email or calling. We use to go camping and hiking a lot and out to dinner and to the movies when he was in Texas where both of us are from and I still live in San Antonio,Texas. He is disabled from working since he was injured on the job and he draws SSD. I am in my 31st year of teaching Special Needs Children. I now have my own apartment and got a beautiful Collie dog. Rick use to call or email me almost every day or I would do the same. When he went back up to Oregon to visit his daughter and grandson in August he went into depression from the weather up there. Oh by the way we togather to a road trip out west and then northwest this summer and had the time of our life. I had to fly back to San Antonio,Texas from Portland,Oregon because school was going to start back up. I did fly up for a whole week in November and visited Rick and them over Thanksgiving. I knew when I saw him that he wasn’t right. He went into a psych hospital in January and February for depression and for taking too many pain pills due to the injury that he had when he was able to work. Rori I really love Rick and want to help him and take care of him now since he took such good care of me all those 30 plus years ago when we were married. The last email that I received from Rick was back about the last of March and that he was planning to come back to Texas and he too has a dog now. He last called me on Easter and he sounded happy and ready to come back to Texas. He does have a travel trailer that he lives out of and pulls behind his truck. Rori I’m very concerned about him and what has happen to him? This is not like Rick to not stay in contact with me. I haven’t seen him in almost five and one half months. At this point I’m at a lost Rori. Please let me know with what to do. Rick tells me every time that he see’s me that he will always love me more than anyone else and I feel the same way about him.

    Thank you Rori.

    Sincerely,

    Debra



  47.  #47Erika on May 10, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Daria,

    I am super intrigued by this belly dancing. Somehow that feels more inviting to me than the idea of the “stripper” classes. Thanks for your very sensual description. Also, are you also in San Francisco? Are there good studios here?

    Also, Daria, I am noticing how much your posts have shifted recently in tone. You seem much happier! And much more willing to tell people the truth about what you’re feeling. Glowing and blossoming. It’s cool to see and be part of. I still smile thinking of your “pissed off” post. I liked how we all got pissed off. It made it feel ok to express anger instead of bottling it.

    Dock,
    I’m resonating with your frustration about focus on physical beauty because I spend a lot of time on the guys’ sites, and they are pretty hard on women about looks. Of course a lot of this is just showing off to each other. It’s my personal belief that a man never falls in love with a woman’s looks. He falls in love with her essence.



  48.  #48Daria on May 10, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Hi Erika… thank you!

    I am in the bay area… Berkeley YWCA across the street from UC Berkeley is where I started bellydancing. It is very affordable $50 for 6 weeks (class once a week)… and the teacher Nanna is one of the most wonderful dancers and teachers. You can look up “Nanna bellydancing” on you tube and see her.

    I am planning to return there in a few weeks.

    I think she is also teaching some classes once a week in San Francisco, I will look that up.

    Meanwhile I have been going to Gold’s Gym which also has bellydancing at least once a week. I believe every Gold’s Gym now has bellydancing. Between San Mateo and Redwood City Gold’s there are classes on every weekday.



  49.  #49Tina on May 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Hello,

    He called me last night and said that he tried calling three times finally he was able to reach me. He asked me and then said “oh you probibly dont want to but do you want to spend the night at my house tonight?.” I said yes of course after all he did call me during the week (at my request.) Today he brought me food, he asked me if I wanted to drive to a near by town with him. I said no I would rather stay home, I thanked him for the food , then he left. I wasn’t expecting him to come back so early but he did and came straight to my house without calling first (he never does this) I was busy with my garden, I took this opprotunity to practice “The walk”. and like before he started to look at my hip/bum/pelvic (to put it nicely) regions. I stopped doing it and stood completely still and looked back. He spoke to my bum/hips lol and asked me if I would like to go fishing this evening, of course I said yes sure. While on the banks of the river I did the walk – I find it works better for me in boots lol. mostly because that is all I did this weekend – yardwork. What I found interesting was , he lead me and I followed him through the trails and talked about what kinds of plants there were, he sure does know a lot about plants. I am not suprised at his knowledge of plants. I asked questions about some plants, I kind of new about lol. The first time we met he showed me his little box of rocks, I felt as if I were in grade 3 or so with a boy showing me his insect collection lol. We have issues , not saying we don’t. I’m just loving myself lol. I love that I can do this.



  50.  #50Tina on May 10, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    One more thing, I know that there is more to this than just simply walking. I do this mostly for myself, when I’m minding my own business, tending to my garden, checking the mail, walking to the bathroom. I dont want to overwhelm any man with “to much Tina” lol. So I’m taking Rori’s advice in practice a little at a time. I first only read her emails with lots of helpful tips, just never put any of it into practice until this week. I’m afraid of my power yet feel all giddy inside just knowing what I can do. Like I said it’s what I call Tina’s secret lol. Love it!. Thank you for letting me go on like this. My “boyfriend” is off on his final week of a course he is taking. I have all the same troubles as the rest of you girls, This man is no exception. I do believe it starts with my self though whether he is in the picture or not, meaning I will continue to improve myself , not him!. Thank you once again.



  51.  #51Erika on May 17, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Hey, some of you gals were asking about push-pull flirtation. Sometimes it’s easier to see it done rather than talked about.

    What Entropy and I are doing on these threads is a good example:

    http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/05/polyamory-share-your-experiences-with.html

    http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/05/polyamory-postscript.html

    Eight is also a master of push-pull, and you can see him doing it as well, calling us girls “kooky” (push away) and then saying that’s what makes us “adorable” (pulling back in).

    Enjoy! 🙂



  52.  #52Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    i posted this on your site, Erika:

    The whole Polyamory thing is interesting. Again – as far as wanting to watch my husband have sex with another woman…as in the comments you have in this post…we’re back to my thoughts and feelings around “eroticism.” Nearly ANYTHING can be “erotic.” And I have met many “swingers” and can attest to their ability to maintain a deep emotional connection with their one partner and STILL have group sex. The famous Kinsey’s were totally about this. Simply not my cup of tea in REALITY. The THOUGHT or FANTASY of things can be erotic.

    That’s why “watching” porn can be cool and erotic. But it’s still not REAL. In REALITY – we are triggered in other ways. A woman who can get into unconditional love with no triggering of jealousy or insecurity – I can IMAGINE that to be a pretty cool, amazing place to be. Some mythical goddesses are very cool with that. And a great deal of it has to do with how you feel about other women. But I know that I am NOT in that place when we’re talking about some other woman touching my man. I know my limitations. I am very comfortable (Mercedes – you’ll identify with this, though your boundaries are different than mine) with the lines I’ve drawn around what’s comfortable for me or not, and what feels good for me or not. And should any of that change…I’ll shift it. But…it comes from ME. From INSIDE me. I’ve seen many, many women get talked into many, many things…and the 60’s and free love are unfortunately pretty much over now.

    I think polyamory works fine in two scenarios – a woman who finds herself attracted to women and would like to experiment with that both sexually and emotionally, without giving up her relationship with a man…and a woman who wants a relationship with two men. Perhaps there are more. Perhaps location in the world might impact the situation. Still – it’s got to be all about the woman – or it’s a crock. I don’t think… any man who can get as many women around him and into bed with him as possible and somehow keep them all willing and reasonably happy…(even if it’s just two) ..is a viable or pleasant scenario.

    About “push-pull” – isn’t it just awful how we ALL love to be kept off balance? Love, Rori