Valentine’s Day Has Come And Gone…

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I thought it would be interesting to completely ignore Valentine’s Day on this blog about Love! I got SO many emails about today from so many relationship writers (including mine…) – I just wanted to let it sit there and wind down, and see what you all made of the day for yourselves…

You are all so inspirational, and I feel so grateful for your willingness to tell your stories about your childhoods – and I’m just mouth-open, heart-open reading all the comments over the last two days.

So – now that the day’s come and gone, here’s my favorite Valentine’s Day post, and let’s do it together – I’ll love me and you love you, and we’ll not have expectations or ideas about the MEANING of this “occasion.” No man enters into this. It’s just between me and me and you and you, and let’s see how that works!

Okay – Valentine’s Day can thrill us or torture us. We can pretend we don’t care, or we can go into a funk, or we can enjoy what we have if we’re in a relationship or have a good date, or we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US.

We can make it a spa day or a manicure day, or a lunch with ourselves day, or a lunch or movie with our girlfriend’s day, or a sit home with a book, or a sit in a park day…and the amazing thing is — it’s really not all that big a deal anymore.

The Symbolism Of The Whole Thing Is About Expectations

What do you expect, that Valentine’s Day can make you feel fulfilled or make you feel like you’ve lost something?

If this is about “forever after” for you and you’re not there – well, the expectations put you in a state of “lack.”

If this is about “right now” – the expectations put you in a state of “action” – “let’s get this thing happening!” comes into your vibe, along with anxiety for having to make it happen.

If this is about “someday” – the expectations put you in a state of “wish” or “dream” – and that can feel good or plain neutral, unless you start comparing the dream to “reality” and fall back to “lack.”

So – what would I like to suggest?

How About We Go Smack For “What Is”?

That means – whatever you’ve got going today – don’t make a decision about if it’s good or bad, and don’t judge it in advance.

If you’re feeling wistful or dreadful, or anxious, or upset, or lonely, or angry about such a stupid holiday, or anything that doesn’t feel good to you, send a Valentine to it.

If you’re feeling upbeat and hopeful, and beautiful (you are beautiful, yes you are…), and happy with the day outside your window, and good with what you want and can do for yourself to have good feelings today – that’s your Valentine, and send it to ALL of you – head to toe – sort of as beauty oil to all parts of you for the next moment and the next.

Let’s make Valentine’s Day about loving how you feel – no matter WHAT that is.

You can actually GIVE YOURSELF a Valentine – buy it, or make it out of paper and markers and whatever you’ve got if arts-and-crafts please you. And when you do it…make sure you love what IS about where you’re at..and just ladle that love on.

I’m going to give a bunch of Valentine’s to me today…here’s one to my Nasty Voice: “I know that even though the sun is shining so beautifully and I feel so lucky with everything in my life, there are little rough patches inside me now that feel scratchy and I can feel you, Nasty Voice, jumping on those and trying to worry me and speed me up…and…well…that’s okay. Happy Valentines, Love, Rori.”

Or…”I see me in the mirror, and, yeah, we look a bit tired, yeah…I can feel how disappointing that is inside, it’s kind of sitting on you, chest…oh…I’m going off now into ignoring this wrinkle…well…I’ll just slather on some love, here, and let’s go put some oil on you…and…Happy Valentine’s…we’re all still here…I love you, as ever…Rori.”

So – I’m sort of writing Valentines from Rori to Rori…

If you like this…go ahead and write some Valentines from you to you, and put them out here for us all to revel in and copy…

And Here’s My Valentine For You…

No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what’s happening, or who out there looks like he loves you and who looks like he doesn’t – it’s all a matter of opinion.

My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.

All you have to do to make it real for you is to see it and receive it.

We pitch love, you catch it.

It might not look like the expectations you’ve been advertised, but it’s love all the same. It’s a message of love.

Don’t try to decode it.

If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.

Inside YOU – it’s always moving around, always surprising.

The way we get stuck in a gear of “lack” or “anxious” is to lean on the same messages over and over and over that give us the same feelings over and over and over.

Strike out new today. Send a Valentine to what isn’t perfect. To what doesn’t even feel good inside you.

Send a message to yourself that you’re up for an upgrade, one word of love from you to you at a time.

The important thing is to take in love – wherever you catch it – from words, from the air, from your own heart, from objects and animals, from trees, from the spa technician, from the water at the pool and water in your drinking glass.

Love, Rori

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704 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on February 15, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    I feel disappointed.

    and i LOVE feeling that way.



  2.  #2Daria on February 15, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Dear Daria,

    it is true that if we have a man care for you for things that are actually important for you, you will miss out on the fun and power of doing it yourself. you will be stunted, not satisfied, unhappy, on crutches… and will eventually have to learn to do it yourself anyway. because you will not be a full person.

    there are several women that are asserting this and you know its wise. you even believe this too.

    theres no clear formulation of an alternative perspective, therefore you should stick with mine.

    this one

    .

    ****

    I would like to heal this



  3.  #3Daria on February 15, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    i feel so sad 🙁

    i feel unsupported

    i feel shamed upone

    i feel ungot

    i feel unhelped



  4.  #4Daria on February 15, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    i feel guilty that i feel thrilled that i didn’t get into ‘the girlfriend trap’ like certain other posters

    i feel totally uncomfortable and unsafe talking about this with myself here

    i feel defiant!



  5.  #5Daria on February 15, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    maybe the women Aren’t asserting that, but I am triggered and Hearing that

    i feel lost and scared

    (((Daria)))



  6.  #6Daria on February 16, 2013 at 12:11 am

    so i manifested a sexy fly neighbor!!!!

    and i really just wanted to be occasional smoke friends with him, and now he’s hit me up for today when i was busy and now for tomorrow

    and i was just happy with that, but NOW HE WANTS TO TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST TOMORROW TOO!!!

    this is After i said i was down to just ‘kick it’ tomorrow anyway

    WOW i feel so surprised and flattered!!!

    🙂 🙂 🙂



  7.  #7Daria on February 16, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Quote: “Can I take you out tomorrow smoke and get some breakfast”

    WTF???

    over and above my non-existant expectations????

    i feel happppppppppppppppppieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    now he says “Coo can’t wait”

    hehehhehee



  8.  #8Daria on February 16, 2013 at 12:20 am

    hmmm nowv he says ‘we will go wherever you want so think of a place”

    uhoh umm i was gonna decline to do so and yet i’ve already thought of a place i Would feel nice goin to… heheh 🙂

    i kinda feel good that he wants me to pick, im not getting a bad vibe from it 🙂



  9.  #9Rori Raye on February 16, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Daria – I hear this theme running through the blog now…How about this: We are ALL, men and women alike, filled with both masculine and feminine energies. And we’re all afraid of needing something we can’t do for ourselves and having no one to help us. And so we’re also afraid of needing anyone to do anything. And so we’re afraid of admitting any of this (Brava Daria!). And so we don’t know where the line is and are afraid to cross it – where receiving becomes needing. We have no experience with feeling full of ourselves, brave even in the face of all our fear, and receiving when everything in us says taking is bad and we need to give in order to survive.

    This is a process – of finding when our inner “boy” gets to give to our inner “girl” – who takes, essentially, from ourselves. And when we do nothing but receive and feel, and when we put on our boy hats and go out there and kill dinner and bring it home. The thing here is to get that this is an organic process – there isn’t ONE way to do it, and there isn’t a “result” about it. Being able to “take care of ourselves” doesn’t mean shutting down to taking love and taking kindness and generosity and support and everything else we can imagine from someone else.

    They are not polar opposites or on different tables. We are all these things, all at once.

    Love, Rori



  10.  #10Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:05 am

    awww brave Rori comes through with the effort needed to form a clear feel-good alternative perspective 🙂



  11.  #11Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:09 am

    thank you mucho! i feel supported!



  12.  #12Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:11 am

    im gonna try Psychadelic Mushrooms this weekend 🙂

    im goin in the woods by Santa Cruz

    i feel so excited to connect with these beings and their wisdom and life force

    and get my new powers as a shamanwoman 🙂



  13.  #13Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:12 am

    i feel incredulous that these fly sexy men Want me

    they ALL WANT ME

    it feels so magical

    wow smh

    so awesome

    i dont have to DO anything

    they just magically always want me



  14.  #14Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:14 am

    i feel sad thinking of middle school scenes where i didn’t feel secure in them wanting me

    aww i feel the numbness and sadness

    and excitement



  15.  #15Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 1:38 am

    Daria 2

    I found this really profound. I struggle with this too.

    I am such an independent, self-sufficient woman, so capable and glad to provide for myself, that when I feel a deep, emotional need and I feel desperate for something from somebody, it floors me.

    I feel even more strange and confused when someone tells me I am needy, because I have been able to look after myself almost completely since I was about 18. And no matter what has happened to me in my life I have been successful and thrived.

    So I am willing to admit, this is something I don’t understand.

    I intend to love and heal this.



  16.  #16Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:41 am

    ((((Indigo)))))

    I feel honored you found my words profound



  17.  #17Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:44 am

    i feel unworthy and uncomfortable to use the phrase “my words” to represent that

    nv: its not your words its the concept

    it has nothing to do with you

    you’re taking it out of context to flatter yourself (and you should be ashamed for drawing attention to yourself this way)

    plus you’re ridiculous and deluded, you’re not even being paid attention to that way, the way that you’re phrasing it to come across

    sigh

    🙂

    id like to heal this



  18.  #18Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:46 am

    its bad – you will feel humiliated and embarassed and hurt and stunned – to imagine someone is giving you attention/likes you/is honoring you if they are not

    so don’t think that way unless you have proof that what you’re imagining is strategically and analytically likely to be correct

    otherwise you’re being ‘incorrect’

    being ‘incorrect’ hurts people and makes dad not like you

    and i feel sad



  19.  #19Daria on February 16, 2013 at 1:48 am

    i feel excited to be seeing these patterns and be healing them

    nv: you’re not healing them… be scared. *Jumps alert into ‘stuck’ ‘frozen listening alertness”

    why don’t i have to do this to myself anymore?



  20.  #20Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 3:59 am

    “My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.”

    These words feel comforting and soothing. They also seem unblieveable yet I feel resonate with it and willing to try them on.



  21.  #21Vi on February 16, 2013 at 5:43 am

    I am sending a Valentine to my uptightness. I imagine how great it would be not to feel it and feel sad that the reality is different. I love my uptightness. It’s okay to feel this way.. hehe now I feel glad that I can feel, even what I feel is uptigtness. It wiil be better, and it’s okay now. So a huge Valentine from me to you, uptightness. I love you.



  22.  #22Vi on February 16, 2013 at 6:00 am

    I feel thankful for spring feeling in the air. I feel its warmth and freshness and it reminds me that I am the air too )
    I feel thankful for the first flowers I saw today. I feel warmth and hope filling me.
    I feel thankful to those who assisted me today wirh my several seconds look plus a smile tool. It felt fun and I noticed feeling scared and uptight. Hehe
    I feel thankful for removing signs of mold. My lungs feel happy and loved and taken care of. I feel safe.
    I feel thankful for feeling sad and then bored and going do smth fun for myself after MH interrupted me. I feel so happy to take steps to better feeling choices. And I feel proud for myself too.



  23.  #23Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:01 am

    I do have the belief that a man who cares for me, would honour the day in whatever small way, shape or form he feels right.
    Not by big gestures necessarily, but even just a card, a single flower, cook for me, some inexpensive little gift like chocolates.
    Or ask ‘what would you like to do for Valentine’s day?’
    Yes, I admit to that belief. Why? Because the men who loved me ALWAYS did.
    And it felt nice, it was receiving.
    A man asking for sex and company, without making any kind of effort…to me that is not receiving, it is giving. I don’t mind giving but in this instance it did not feel good to me.
    So I didn’t.
    Because I honoured my feeling of ickiness and feeling less than, as if a man needs make no effort to ‘catch me’. In the end he was upset because I didn’t spend Valentines with him, he assumed I had another man or whatever else.
    Actually, it doesn’t matter.
    I am happy that I did not ‘give’ myself, cook, whatever else. I want to be spoilt, I am a princess…and failing that, I have a nice night in with DVD and make myself happy.
    I want to honour my icky feelings.
    And I want to receive.
    If a man wants me to just give, he is not right for me 🙂



  24.  #24Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:04 am

    I don’t understand why he would be angry and upset at me? I can only conclude that he is angry and upset at himself.
    I only did what felt right for me.



  25.  #25Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Thank you for the hugs Daria.

    I thought you put this into words very well.



  26.  #26Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I do feel sad this week, knowing that one of my good friends is staying with MrP and knowing that they did think of me..and knowing that the times are gone when we all used to do activities together…
    I feel lonely and sad thinking that all that has changed, and it had to change really.
    I had to get off the rollercoaster.
    So now I am off the rollercoaster and alone, which is ok, as long as I don’t think about it too much.



  27.  #27Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Tam men bond to us through sex. They feel rejected when we don’t want it. I have flipped my belief to a man asking for sex is a man asking to bond with me. Especially a man with whom I have history. When he asks I now know that we can talk about it so he can know what I NEED so I can feel loved. With the awareness that men and women experience love and bonding differently.



  28.  #28Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:38 am

    FW, I believe it is harmful to have sex with a man when a woman does not feel like it. It causes her to have resentment, and feel less likely to want physical intimacy.
    This was about my needs not being met.
    So I don’t feel like rewarding a man, especially when I do not feel like it. Makes no sense to me?



  29.  #29Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:40 am

    I didn’t reject sex, I rejected a man who just wanted to come around for sex. I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute.



  30.  #30Tam on February 16, 2013 at 6:41 am

    If I take a lover, I sleep with him when I want to, not because I want him to feel bonded to me.



  31.  #31Annie on February 16, 2013 at 7:26 am

    On all accounts and purposes, when you are having sex with someone that puts you in some kind of relationship to the person, right?”

    Yes.
    Either a casual one where you are having casual sex in an uncommitted relationship.
    An affair.
    A one night stand.
    A professional service.
    Or en exclusive one where you are his girlfriend/live in lover for now and has no need to marry you as he already has you without full commitment.
    Or in a fully committed marriage.

    He still may not treat you how you want even if he commits and marries you though, so it feels best to me to CD and choose very wisely to get the best most compatible man for me, who knows how to treat a real woman and who wants to and is able to meet my needs and up for a fully a life long healthy loving supportive committed relationship.

    I feel pleased I do not live in Florida.
    Even without the plastic surgery I would be able to give the fakies a run for their money. Fake boobs lips bums noses etc.
    However I do not want a man who focuses on surface level outer appearances. Yuck, like cattle meat market. I am not a piece of meat or cattle.
    Yes I want to look and feel my best. Am so not interested in competing with the botox and surgery junkies though.
    Or any woman in general.
    Ant man who wants a another woman and is chasing after, trying to emotionally or physically connect with have an affair get in the pants of another woman is not the best man or any man I want or am interested in.
    If that is what they want and are interested in not a lot I am able to do about it.
    I would be sending them on their way. Actually giving them a big push away from me as I would feel totally repelled and would not want them anywhere near me.
    I want a man with more depth of character and spirit than that.

    It’s not you as such Tam. Hugs.
    It’s the society we have all played a part in creating.

    We cannot control what others do, want or how they behave. Buying int the surgery addiction/Botox etc.
    Or If a man chooses to want and chase that superficial stuff.
    We can only control what we do and choose not to be part of it and a man who wants the same.
    And move away from where and who we do not want to be around.

    So my question would be.
    As Rori says.
    Why are you there?

    haha re Hairdresser T shirt.
    Yes mine would love it too.



  32.  #32Annie on February 16, 2013 at 7:28 am


  33.  #33LoveAlways on February 16, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    I feel conflicted.

    Maybe it’s Mars in my 5th House
    Maybe it’s my libido

    I am leaning forward for s3x
    I mean leaning HARD
    This siren is on fire
    I am constantly on and ready
    . . . but he is not

    I’ve done the feeling messages
    but despite the FMs I’m now always talking about s3x and that I want MORE

    I need to stop this, I think. But then I am not being true to my feelings. I love him and he loves me, I see it and feel it (especially then) – and I want more loving

    I feel conflicted.

    I want to lean back and let him initiate and row our s3x boat, but dagnamit I WANT SOME I want to feel this love, today, tomorrow, now

    And he has told me he loves that I make the first move

    so what’s the problem you may ask?

    I may be over-functioning with s3x

    I went down on him last night and he did not get . . . you know . . . bigger

    but I continued on

    then I stopped and asked if I didn’t turn him on any more

    he said no, he liked it and it relaxed him

    RELAXED?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WTF???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I dropped down into my feelings and decided not to speak on my feelings. I just listened, thought of the four rules and accepted what he said. I dozed off for a minute and then he wanted to make love.

    so we did, and it was good

    but afterwards after I made a cute statement to him about how much he apparently was overdue 🙂 he said “yeah, I had to since you wanted it so much.”

    Now I know I should not be in his head
    trying to know what he is thinking
    or thinking what he is thinking
    or even thinking so much myself since I’m feeling weird (am I slipping into a pit?) . . .

    But I felt something about what he said

    Am I forcing my desires on him?
    Am I overfunctioning by desiring him so much and letting him know?

    I am sooooooooo confused!!!

    I don’t want to lean back s3xually!!! I wanna do it, a lot! But I want him to want me like I’m wanting him. okay, yes, when we have s3x he clearly wants and loves me, but I’m always ON and he’s just mellow and loving.

    And yes, We talked about this and acknowledged that I’m like this and he accepts it, but am I overfunctioning, and what should I do without being untrue to myself.

    And before anyone tells me to self pleasure more – that’s not going to cut it! I want to feel him!

    GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    I feel so confused.

    This feels stupid and I feel embarrassed but this is important to me right now.

    Sirens, help me please – I’m asking for advice

    LoveAlways



  34.  #34Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 7:50 am

    I feel totally amazed at how the wisdom of some women’s words can shift you to a better feeling, a place of strength and help you heal and change and grow.

    I feel so thankful for these women.

    I feel so thankful for the womanly wisdom I have access to, and how it saves me when I am shaky and low, and how this wisdom moves me ever forward to a better, more healed place.



  35.  #35LoveAlways on February 16, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Oh yeah, and another thing

    It seems we have s3x when he wants to

    I gave FMs about it feeling sunshine to have s3x when I want it and so I started letting him know (in FMs) that I’m in the mood

    It feels unfair to let him row this s3x boat with his oar when I feel like a motor



  36.  #36Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I feel mortified.

    I talked to a good married guy friend of mine and got some much needed perspective.

    There’s still so much that I feel confused about.

    Like why I perceived SMC got THAT ANGRY about the situation.

    Married guy friend said that he would feel pretty angry and annoyed if an over-emotional woman told him she had feelings for me and that she couldn’t be friends with him.

    I just don’t understand why THAT ANGRY. maybe I just “sensed” it wrong.

    I just want to be respected. I feel worried about the over-emotional poetry on my fb page and how that’s going to be perceived now, I feel humiliated because I know that I can read too much into things, I just feel so humiliated.

    I know it’s not unreasonable to NOT want to be friends with someone you have a huge crush on who you know is taken. Not unreasonable. Not at all.

    Is the huge crush itself unreasonable? YES. I own that.

    Maybe I should have better “self-control” or something, but the situation reminds me of another painful situation in my past.

    Live and learn.

    Just want to be respected and seen for my good qualities. Want compassion, forgiveness, and understanding shown towards me; not suspicion, not being written off as over-emotional and crazy, not narcissistic, drama-queen, any of that stuff.

    want peaceable, humble, quiet, good life.

    so, so, so, so, mortified.



  37.  #37Linda on February 16, 2013 at 7:54 am

    reading the posts about the male and female energy in side of us… causes me to pause and become aware.

    I used to be in 100% male energy all the time. I got, taught, accomplished, worked, lead… rowed me and my life. That is all I knew and it felt natural … but
    I felt unimportant and unloved.. my emotional side unexercised except at sad movies and I even began to avoid going to ones that would cause me to cry because I felt embarassed and weak !

    THen I found this blog… what an eye opener Girl energy? hmmmm Of course I am a operate in girl and I am a girl…. HA! I had NO clue what it was to receive, lean back. Definatley not my natural state of being.

    Now today… I can shift pretty easily between my girl and boy energy but like Rori said, I feel fearful of receiving something and it then becoming a need from them. Going there feels unwise somehow but I am pushing into that feeling as well to see what that is all about inside me.

    The other day I told FavoriteCD that “he was so good to me” and he said it was his job. Before a comment like that would have really bothered me.. turned me off and offended me. A TOTAL masculine energy response from me. Instead. my girl energy heard him and received his efforts as him doing for me and I get to be the girl here. His words and energy about it felt delightful and loving. WOW and mmmm. How delightful it the balance and shift in me feels. I dont feel unloved or unseen at all.

    I have grown by leaps and bounds and feel so much more healthy and whole.



  38.  #38Annie on February 16, 2013 at 7:54 am

    As a women I need emotional and spiritual connection to want the physical connection.

    And feel happy to reject any man who I am not compatible with and wants only a physical connection with me.

    I want to honor and respect my emotional physical and spiral needs for love making and yes I also have to be in in love with the man and him me. Otherwise I do not want sex with him and feel happy to reject that.

    I do not want to and not able to compartmentalize sex like that I am not a man and do not want to be.

    Not all men are able to do emotional intimacy and are connected spiritually. I do not want a man who is not able to do emotional intimacy and spiritual love making and just wants to F******CK.

    So Yes I feel more than happy to reject a man like that just because he wants to ‘bond’ and feels rejected if he is unable to meet all of my needs for lovemaking.

    I am not here to Mummy and take care of his little boy feelings of rejection and put them above my needs as a woman for love romance emotional intimacy and a core spiral match.

    As a woman it feels best to leave him to become a man and take care of his own feelings of rejection if I do not want to have just ‘physical sex’ with him because he is not able and not comparable to meet my other needs as a woman which all go together.



  39.  #39Annie on February 16, 2013 at 7:57 am

    core *spiritual*/soulbased match.



  40.  #40GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I experience the man “bonding” to (I say “to” not with, because this sticky stretchy connection doesn’t always form from both sides at the same time.) me through reconcilliation of differences, deep communication and shared profound experiences, and yes, sex.

    I can’t deny it.

    “Men don’t bond through sex”. I hear it all the time, and agree with the basic idea. That the act of sex itself does not confirm or deny some sort of bond formed. Sex can just be an action. A mutual action.

    So…No I don’t believe he forms any bond to me through the act itself. I believe where the bond is formed (in this loving and connected relationship) is within the absence of rejection.

    That doesn’t mean I can’t deny him, for any possible reason. I can and do, though rarely. It means my denial doesn’t contain rejection in any form. I am always warm, open, receiving, welcoming. This means there is no ambiguous “I’m not in the mood.” or false “I have a headache.”. Maybe i DO have a headache…Well he would already know that as I speak my feelings. Maybe i’m really not in the mood, well there’s a far better way to express that. “I’m feeling ____. I’d like it if we could save this for now?”

    It’s also not just about sex. There are kisses, touch, play, teasing.

    For some months I have been aware of this and paying attention. And I can say with certainty that one of the facets he finds so amazing, about being around me, is that he doesn’t ever meet anything but love, desire, welcoming, warmth and an open heart. Even when I am within some fully steaming anger.

    I’m really digging that I can break away from this restrictive “Men don’t bond through sex.”

    A WONDERFUL and useful kind of knowledge, while dating. Yet I don’t want to brush away just how important open, warm, and welcoming sex is to a man who is already in love.

    Doesn’t mea nI get to use sex to get to his heart. Just doesn’t work. No…It means I get to use my welcoming of physical affection to not close myself off to his heart. It means I get to LET HIM use sex to het to MY heart.

    Oh my…

    I like that!!!

    xxx



  41.  #41Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 8:03 am

    LoveAlways

    I had this problem with D, briefly, and I felt very much like you. And I tried the feeling messages (“I feel undesired etc.”) and that helped a little, but I developed a tool that worked like a charm and honestly our sex was on fire after that… I don’t know if it will help you.

    When I was lying next to him I wouldn’t touch him, my hands would be on myself, and I would just start sinking down into what a gorgeous goddess woman I was. Really letting my mind go, praising myself, really telling myself how gorgeous and desirable I was (I would imagine Cleopatra of Egypt) and I’d fan my hair out and really revel internally in how sexy and beautiful I was. I’d start to imagine how much guys desire the female form and then I’d turn it on myself and think how much I embodied this. All this until I started to feel a little turned on by myself and I’d start thinking how lucky this guy was to be lying next to an object of desire such as myself and how much he must be wanting me.

    This shift in me was always enough for him to feel it BIG time and he’d always turn to me and start initiating. I started to develop these thoughts about myself as a practice, and as I say, never looked back sexually 😉



  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 8:08 am

    and I have plenty of evidence from other people who don’t know me as well to support the “crazy, over-emotional, reads-too-much-into-things” theory.

    I hope that he can talk to people and hear about my compassion, sanity, humor, and depth.

    I want my good reputation back. I want words I’ve said back, things I’ve done back. I want my perfect, naive, trusting heart back.

    I ruin things with guys who actually MIGHT BE interested in me, because I’m so sensitive about “being wronged” by taken men.

    I judge people like crazy and I feel so guilty for that.

    I wish people just understood, but it’s really hard for someone not experiencing the emotions, flashbacks, and unmet needs to understand why the emotions are there in the first place.

    I don’t feel any bad feelings towards anyone but myself right now, and that feels really difficult.

    Maybe I needed to be humiliated just so I could figure out the truth about myself, my suspicions, my emotions and my “lack of control” over them (but is that really what it is? I don’t even know.)

    Don’t you need to feel emotions in order to heal past hurts, grieve, and move past them?

    and why does it have to be such a humiliating process?

    Sometimes you can’t just take good advice, because you truly don’t know what good advice is.

    You don’t know who you can trust, who really has your best intentions in mind, or the whole story of who people are and what the truth about everyone is.

    No one knows that but G0D.

    and I really, really, really need Him, because He’s all I have right now.



  43.  #43GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Indigo…

    Are you me??

    LOL

    I do the EXACT same thing with the exact same results. One time, very recently actually, he woke up from a deep snore, turned over, and just “took” me. It was the most beautiful lovemaking i’ve ever had in my life 🙂



  44.  #44Annie on February 16, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I Agree glowstix.



  45.  #45Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 8:15 am

    I LoveAlways, I don’t know what to say. Maybe it is right to give him more space and not to initiate. Or maybe it’s not a big deal to initiate and it means nothing who started it. He can be tired, overworked, etc.

    What I am going to say is only my story and has nothing to do with yours. Dumbcd started having less s-x with me and then no s-x and kept on saying he was getting old, he went to see a dr and then he was on heavy meds for his other problem, and once he said I don’t want to start as if I fail I’d end up feeling so much worse and I felt terrible for him and decided I’d give him space and not initiate (although I never have to begin with). I felt humiliated but believed it was due to his situation. I was probably wrong because he replaced me with someone else, younger and newer, so it was all lies. I have to tell you that I look very s-xy, I’m slim but curvy and quite fit and it never happened before that my man didn’t want me. They may have not want to marry me but they always wanted me. I still feel humiliated. Now I wish I would have initiated and found out, and not passively wait.



  46.  #46k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Annie- 450 from previous thread-“On all accounts and purposes, when you are having sex with someone that puts you in some kind of relationship to the person, right?”

    Yes.
    Either a casual one where you are having casual sex in an uncommitted relationship.
    An affair.
    A one night stand.
    A professional service.
    Or en exclusive one where you are his girlfriend/live in lover for now and has no need to marry you as he already has you without full commitment.
    Or in a fully committed marriage.

    He still may not treat you how you want even if he commits and marries you though, so it feels best to me to CD and choose very wisely to get the best most compatible man for me, who knows how to treat a real woman and who wants to and is able to meet my needs and up for a fully a life long healthy loving supportive committed relationship.” Well said Annie, well said. I don’t even finish read the Rori’s thread yet. Doing things in the meantime and feel a bit flustered. If I am work, I am busy and if I at home, I busy. Hell! Hairdresser told me yesterday I am too busy and I need to go out in order to meet someone. Yeah yeah u guys told me and she is also telling me. You are all right, trust me. As I said on the previous thread, I am thinking of places to go by myself, in fact I had a place in mind for the longest while. I need to call them to get some info on the offerings there in terms of entertainment, if they have a bar setting and just go there by myself to chat. Hairdresser told me that whenever her church has singles camp again, I will go. I am going to ask my minister at church about the singles ministry. There was one some time ago before I became a member but something happened and it stopped. It was supposed to start up again but I don’t know what happened. Some of those married persons only think about themselves and look like they don’t see it as a priority to start back the singles ministry but they want people to find someone in the church. Sometimes I am so frustrated. Finding a good man is a piece a work. (Hissing my teeth).



  47.  #47GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Love Always

    I don’t have any solid or concrete advice or help.

    All I know is, I have felt the same way. And the more intensely I focused those feelings AT him, the less and less and less sex I got to have. Even if I didn’t perceive myself as being “pressuring”.

    So what I did was owned my frustration. I realized it was going to be there. I devised my own way of turning that frustration into a positive by reveling in my own turned on-ness. I started to see it as juicy and electric and pop pop pow! lol I’m a firecracker! 😉

    And if those feelings had to last for days…So be it. I am a juicy swirly sexy sultry HORNY woman lol and I can live within that.



  48.  #48Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Sometimes I still wonder – I never contacted him again as if it didn’t matter enough to me. If he ever had doubts about me – would it tell him that I had a plan B too?



  49.  #49Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 8:24 am

    My girlfriend who is married to my married guy friend told me she loved me last night and I nearly cried just hearing that.



  50.  #50k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Correction:Hairdresser told me that whenever her church has singles camp again, she will tell me. I will certainly go. In fact she told me two persons met their husband and wife on singles camp. That’s so good. Encouraging.



  51.  #51Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 8:28 am

    LOL GlowStix

    That’s awesome!

    I’m so glad another siren has this same tool 🙂



  52.  #52Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Hi sirens
    I feel inspired to keep my boundaries and keep on CDing when I read the blog thank you…
    I met a cd from a dating site last night and we went to dinner, it was very pleasant and relaxing and he was so cute and sweet I’m already kind of giddy:-)
    He texted me and called me after the date too!
    He wants to see me again and we have a lot in common!
    I also have a couple othe guys who want to meet me so we shall see… I don’t want to get wrapped up in just one.
    But I feel proud of myself this is the first date I’ve been on in a long time!



  53.  #53GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Indigo

    🙂

    It started with rori’s unzipper your heart visualization tools and kind of morphed when I discovered the power of this type of “sinking in”.

    I feel glad someone else has the same tool too! I have tried to describe it, and it’s power before, and mostly felt misunderstood.

    I know he can physically feel it.



  54.  #54Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Wow Emerson!!
    🙂



  55.  #55Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Now I wonder if I blew up my date last night. Hmm



  56.  #56Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Thanks memulo!
    I was thinking about all of you last night while in my date lol! I was leaning back physically and using feeling messages and waterwheel 🙂
    I also asked questions like those first date questions that you can ask I the beginning because there are no expectations… Also feel that I can be honest with him about how I feel…



  57.  #57Indigo on February 16, 2013 at 8:58 am

    GlowStix

    Yes, this is how it started with me too.

    I remember how frustrated and unwanted I felt. When I first tried it I was feeling a little bit good about myself anyway, but as really started to let my thoughts go I was amazed that I could feel a little bit in love with myself. And yes, the effect on him was magical. Even if he says he’s tired or not in the mood or not feeling well, this particular tool works 90% of the time.

    Yay us 🙂



  58.  #58Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 8:59 am

    He was cute and dressed nice! I felt a lil turned on Hee Hee



  59.  #59Mercedes on February 16, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Came online quick to post on the other thread but also want to read this one on my phone today.

    Busy day!! We (J and I) officially own a business together!!! We got all the approvals yesterday and today we’re off to make dreams reality! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Merdedes



  60.  #60Mercedes on February 16, 2013 at 9:21 am

    can’t read on my phone if I don’t check the box…:-)



  61.  #61Daria on February 16, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Reading some stuff I feel like shaking the poster abd screaming ‘Stop Mindfuchkin yourself and go on some real dates!!!!’

    Then I feel shocked ashamed weird ‘mortified’ scared panicked embarassed frozen



  62.  #62Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Daria who were you thinking should go on real dates? Was it about your own stuff?



  63.  #63Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:09 am

    LoveAlways I was listening to John Gray on the Art of Love series. He says a man bond with a woman through sex so when a man chooses to initiate sex it shows he is wanting to bond with you. He also said something similar to what I have seen Dominique write. Self pleasure turns men on. He also said overgiving is bad for your sex life. During the interview he suggested while lying next to the men you can ask him if he is in the mood. If not just let him know that you are and you are going to touch yourself and pleasure yourself as this is what you need. He suggests thinking about him while you do that as there is a structure in the male nose that is very attuned to your pheremones. He clearly said the self pleasuring at that point turns on most men and they practically can’t help themselves after that. I would test that theory next time rather than dealing with the frustration.

    There was another siren who used to post on the blog some time ago. She was someone who at some point in time chose to get paid for sex. Her comment was that she always self pleasured while having sex and found it almost shocking that other women don’t do so. She thought it was standard practice.

    One of Rori’s pillars of advice is that men fall in love with us when they see us happy and pleased in their presence without depending on them to do or without it being their responsibility. I wonder if we believe that sex is one of those things she has in mind when she says that.



  64.  #64Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:16 am

    “Men don’t bond through sex” has a context and vice versa. If they are not feeling the amount of attraction they need to feel or if the woman is there as a friend, no because that is not what he wants. If it is his woman who he is attracted to and have chosen to be “the one” for him then he bonds through sex. That is what I understood John Gray to be saying. I won’t be the one to argue with that man’s theory. I’d prefer to test it.



  65.  #65Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I think I made a stupid mistake last night. Grrrrr!



  66.  #66Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Mistakes are a part of learning. Without them there is no learning.



  67.  #67k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Annie – 38. “As a women I need emotional and spiritual connection to want the physical connection.

    And feel happy to reject any man who I am not compatible with and wants only a physical connection with me.

    I want to honor and respect my emotional physical and spiral needs for love making and yes I also have to be in in love with the man and him me. Otherwise I do not want sex with him and feel happy to reject that.

    I do not want to and not able to compartmentalize sex like that I am not a man and do not want to be.

    Not all men are able to do emotional intimacy and are connected spiritually. I do not want a man who is not able to do emotional intimacy and spiritual love making and just wants…….” I agree with u Annie. I am not the type of girl who has sex outside the context of a relationship. I told a long time ex (who has remarried) the same thing some years ago. Long before I beame a christian, I was involved with him when he was first married. He then separated from his wife and we were alone for the rest of the relationship which became a regular relationship with his separation. I ended the relationship as he was taking too long to file for the divorce and I couldn’t wait any longer. Became tired of the excuses. He has now remarried which he did years later after I left him. He has been trying to get me back and told me he wants to have sex with me for old times sake. Told him no, that I don’t have sex outside the context of a relationship. So in other words, I am not going to sleep with a man just for the sex, I have to be emotionally connected to u before I sleep with u. And even if u don’t quite feel the same way yet, if after a few months say 3 months as another relationship counsellor said, if I ever find out that all u are after is the sex, as the ladies on “The other Woman” used to say, I would run to the nearest exit. I would be outta there (that relationship) so fast, u wouldn’t be able to catch me. I would run from that relationship, faster than an international track star.



  68.  #68Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Why, why did it work so well for that girl and failed for me… He was crazy about me too. I did nothing, only responded to his feelings. I leaned back, I didn’t call, text, never asked where he was or what he was doing. Intellectually and emotionally I was the top notch match for him. I know that, I meet a lot of guys and it’s ‘almost there’, but never all the way like it was with him. Why did I fail so terribly that he never even looked back. I know next time to be more aggressive and care about myself more.

    I see that for other sirens strong feelings work out in the end. Starla and LoveAlways are back with their men. For me – he treats me as if I never existed.



  69.  #69Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:29 am

    FW, I made the same mistake as I did on the date earlier this week. That is not learning, it’s stupidity:)



  70.  #70Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Okay Memulo. You don’t need my permission to beat yourself up.



  71.  #71Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:32 am

    However that is part of the point of dating. You get to experience yourself. See your patterns with men. Only by uncovering the patterns, becoming aware of them can they be changed.



  72.  #72Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:34 am

    It is amazing how we unconsciously believe that we are perfect and must get it “right” all the time. I believe it is in our quirks and idiosyncrasies that we are humans.



  73.  #73Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I told them both, single men who were never married, that I have an adult son. I don’t have to say this on a first date. I became too talkative lately.



  74.  #74Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I believe I have seen Rori suggest it is okay. As long as you focus on sharing how proud and blessed you feel having this beautiful human as part of your life rather than complaining. Any man who becomes a part of your life will be required to love your son as much as you do.



  75.  #75Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:40 am

    You don’t “have” to say it but if your NVs use it as a source of criticism against you this will immediately change your vibe in their presence. So I would just thank the part of me that believes it needs to bring my son with me everywhere I go.



  76.  #76Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:42 am

    FW – yes. Of course I always share how I proud I am of him, because I am. the guy last night though asked if in the summer the boy stays with me at my place. The guy on Monday said that it means I can become a grandmother soon;)



  77.  #77Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 10:47 am

    One thing I learned from Monday guy is the answer to that question. I decided that next time I hear this comment I will say – no, If he is like you he will live till XX age with no children.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Most people I know who are grandmothers are really proud. I have a male friend who at 47 would give anything to have a kid. His wife is unable to. You don’t know if any of these guys will be able to have a kid when they are ready. I would look at this as a complement. I would “assume” the first guy is thinking about the convenience of sex. In my humble opinion finding a playful to respond to such comments would serve you. It seems you are taking them personal to the point of being embarassed to be a mother. I love being a mother. It is part of how we get to change thge world.



  79.  #79Femininewoman on February 16, 2013 at 10:56 am

    My 45 year old cousin is so proud of her grand daughter she takes her everywhere. Her self esteem is so high she always find men who always want her



  80.  #80k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Why some always want the forbidden fruit. Some years, in fact many years later after I left long time ex, he told me he still loved me, twice in two years. He had not remarried yet. I think he was in a relationship but he wasn’t so committed. I believed that he still loved me and I was actually falling back in love with him but his actions, plus what he told me above, showed that he was lying. His actions showed that all he wanted was sex so I backed off bigtime and didn’t contact him for 12 years. a little over 5 years ago when I went to my family home for christmas, he called and left a message and I didn’t return the call. Then last October I believed, 12 years after I lost contact, he searched for me and found me and came to look for me at work. He wants to take me out. I told him no cause as u girls know that’s how things always start. I told him when he called me in September that I had just come out of a relationship in which the guy disappeared. (Disappearing ex). He expressed sympathy. He told me he still loved me. I went back to my desk and cried. I was so confused. Here was I with one recent ex disappearing on me and a long time ex telling me he still loved me. Whether long time ex still loves me, it doesn’t matter cause he is married. I told him when he came to look for me that he is out of the loop cause he is married and I want a man for myself. He called me a few weeks ago and I didn’t answer. Called me yesterday and I didn’t answer either. I text him back this morning. Don’t know if he saw bit. I will call him tomorrow. After he called yesterday and I didn’t answer, I thought to myself that when I wanted him back and he had not remarried, (although he was involved with someone), he didn’t want me. Now he is married and this is the time he chooses to want me, when he is MARRIED and nothing can’t come of the relationship. Always want the forbidden fruit. Want what they can’t have. I am going to call him back tomorrow but of course no powers on earth is going to let me go out with. I will tell him again that because is married, he is definitely out of the loop. That’s a dead end relationship. He is telling me that no one would get hurt, meaning me or his wife. Really now! As I sleep with a man, I get attached. That’s how some women are. God designed us that way while for him, it would only be sex. I am good and well grounded. Once a man is married or in a relationship, he is out of bounds for me. Have no time to waste. U see how long it is taking me to find the right man. All these men are definitely the wrong man-this long time ex and overseas cd.



  81.  #81k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Correction:Why some men always want the forbidden fruit.



  82.  #82Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 11:25 am

    I think Daria is talking about me. This is only in my imagination, though, right? This is what I hate. Can a woman trust her instincts or not? It feels lousy to feel like Daria was directing that towards me without actually saying so, but it also feels loving because I know she feels like she can help me, or she feels like I can help myself and I’m not. It would feel great to go on some real dates, but I rarely get asked. It feels good to say no when I don’t feel good about going on a date with a man. I can experiment and go on dates anyway, and that’s what I can try to do. But for right now, some compassion would feel great. Why does it trigger you so much anyway, Daria, if you were indeed referring to me? I genuinely feel curious.



  83.  #83Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 11:35 am

    @37 Linda – Ps – I love this and felt so moved by it.



  84.  #84Iamabutterfly on February 16, 2013 at 11:39 am

    @80 k2012 – you seem like a very strong person. I feel proud of you for seeing what these guys are doing.



  85.  #85Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 11:42 am

    It’s not about having children or grandchildren. It’s about how this can scare people away when they dont really know you or have feelings for you yet.



  86.  #86Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I shared this info both times because it was in a natural flow of the conversation and because I am proud. Maybe it’s my NV and the guy will still get in touch with me. When we were saying good bye last night he said he hated to end it so abruptly ( it started to rain and I wanted to get in a cab) he had a great time and wants to see me again if I agree. maybe it just doesn’t mean he wants to see me this weekend.



  87.  #87MovingMagic on February 16, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I’ve made it an intention to lean back physically on the last two dates I’ve been on. Both men revealed alot about themselves, seemingly catching themselves by surprise. One even caught himself, & asked “Why am I admitting all of this to you!?”Haha. I wasn’t steering the conversation in anyway.



  88.  #88k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Thanks so much lamabutterfly. I couldn’t do it without prayer, trust me. The number of times that I have been tempted by long time ex, ah boy. I had to go down on my knees and ask God to help me to be strong and just help me to keep saying no. I am in continuous prayer for a husband. When u are lonely, it is easy to fall to any temptation. I just need to get out there. When I finally go out, whether by myself or with my friend, I will tell u girls.



  89.  #89sha-sha on February 16, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Hi ladies happy Saturday



  90.  #90Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I feel a heavy heart about a conflict with a friend. The friend had a lapse in judgment and due to a chain of events it seems like I got the person in trouble at work. But I didn’t and its now looking like I did and I feel akward and shut out by this person. I have an urge to “fix” it but I feel like its so draining and this person tends to be gossipy and drama so I’ve just been avoiding the whole enchilada. Don’t know what to do 🙁



  91.  #91k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Reposting this from 2 threads before. This is my theory whereb overseas cd is concerned. Last time I heard from him was Valentines day. He said,”Happy Valentines Day, baby.” I have lost my attraction for him as I told u girls sometime ago. So here is what I previously said 2 hreads ago.said 2 threads ago. “I believe that with Overseas Cd is one of three situations which might account for the reasons why he has not called and is messaging only from December till now. The reasons I believe are one of about 3: they are: 1. He is in a serious relationship and just fooling around hence can’t talk on the phone (but I don’t know if the person lives with him 2. He is just not interested for whatever reason, maybe because I am long distance (although HE was the one who asked for a relationship and told me he didn’t mind long distance) and 3. He is dating a number of people let’s say about 2 or 3 persons apart from me, maybe 2 other persons and has not yet decided who he is going to focus on, so instead of calling me and giving me hope, basically stepping up things, he chooses not to call as he is not sure who he will choose to get involved with and he doesn’t want to step up things and hurt me when he is not sure. I suspect that it is number 3.” If he resurfaces and say hi or say whatever, how do u think I should respond ladies. I am not going to act upset u know, mind u. But how do u think I should respond? Rori, Dominique, Mercedes, Lori, FW, Annie, Starla, and all other ladies, I need to hear from u on this. Thanks so much. I have been on the blog all day. Lol.



  92.  #92April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Ooh, Emerson

    “..I also asked questions like those first date questions that you can ask I the beginning because there are no expectations…”

    Please tell me more. I have a first date coming up and I feel curious about what these questions are.

    I feel happy your date went well 🙂



  93.  #93k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Look at reason number 2 now. I learnt on here, between Rori, Christian and Elaine that men change their minds ver quickly. So he could say that he doesn’t mind long distance relationships and he wants a relationship from me and then changes his mind sometime after, maybe saying to himself that “__________ is too far. She is all the way in ________ so I don’t bother want a relationship with her again.



  94.  #94Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I am feeling frustrated with myself for being afraid of a confrontation to clear things up but now it’s turned into a big thing anyway where this person is not speaking to me.

    Too much drama.

    I think I’m checking out of the situation completely.



  95.  #95k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Emerson (90), talk it over with her and get to the bottom of it. Friendships are important. Explain yourself to her and apologize to her. Ask her to forgive u and tell her that her friendship is important to u.



  96.  #96Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Hi April rose
    I asked questions about religion, his female friend that he mentions often (that’s another story) and also about his past like why has he never been married…
    I naturally worked these into the conversation and it was pretty flowing and easy… I also asked about his living situation and his parents etc because you can learn a lot from their replies, expressions etc.
    Femininewoman I was thinking about you as I was asking the questions as I recall you posting about it. I found courage from my sirens even tho I was on the date alone I brought you all with me lol!!!!



  97.  #97Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    K2012 thank you that is good advice. This friend is very gossipy and I’ve held her at arms length but I will do my part to make peace. If she turns me down then so be it. I was actually a bit upset with her about the lapse in judgement becuz it affected another person I care about so maybe I was not ready to talk to her till now I’ve calmed down



  98.  #98Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Back to my new cd… Hmm what shall I call him ? ExoticCD



  99.  #99April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks Emerson,

    I just found this great page about conflict resolution

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm

    It says best to face it and work through it or else it festers.
    Good luck!



  100.  #100k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    “This friend is very gossipy”… Oh dear. I have a friend like that. And she is a close friend too. I had an operation that was very private and she was the only one at work who knew the nature of the operation. Everyone else thought it was something else and I was shocked when I heard it back. How did I deal with it? Answer: I stopped telling her my business, no matter how simple it is. I have forgiven her all the same. Hope u and ur friend will work it out and since she is gossipy like my friend, don’t tell her certain things. Be very careful what u say to her. I have taken the same stance with my friends. I have learnt over the years that u can’t tell friends everything.



  101.  #101Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Thanks April rose and k2012

    The website was helpful.
    I do freeze up.

    K2012 yes I’m careful what I tell her from day one. But I just feel icky thinking that she won’t talk to me and is likely talking crap about me. It feels very juvenile. Also I wonder why do I care when likely this person is talking crap behind my back but all the same I want peace….



  102.  #102Emerson on February 16, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Also we work in the same profession so I don’t want problems. Ugh it’s starting to really bother me.



  103.  #103GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    In my experience, people who have that urge to connect with people through talking about others in a dramatic way (i’m trying not to apply any negative titles to any humans) will just make the stories up if they are not supplied. I like to paint them with love in my mind because quite possibly they don’t have adequate social skills to connect without doing this.

    I used to be one of those people. I LOVE people and never wanted to harm them or cause them stress. I just did not know any other way.



  104.  #104GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I was also very hateful towards myself, during that time.



  105.  #105GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I don’t want to make that assumption about all people who talk smack.

    It is still a very good possibility.



  106.  #106Linda on February 16, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    K2012… I would like to share this with you… @88 you said you are in prayer for a husband.

    Last fall a really lovely woman who did my hair a few times shared this with me and I let the words sink down into my spirit and I prayed them every day.

    Please bring a man into my life who is spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually compatible that will cause no harm to anyone.

    I have been circular dating, the men all high quality men. My attitude focused on being “a prize” with a unzippered heart, receiving what they brought, with no expectations.

    That began 9 months ago… and last week while I was sitting next to FavoriteCD, his warm hand upon my thigh… I felt overwhelmed with emotion suddenly…because what I had been praying for was sitting right next to me.



  107.  #107GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Aw Linda!

    That feels so lovely to read 🙂 It’s just one of tge best feelings in the world. You deserve it. Your journey is beautiful!



  108.  #108GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    To just be.

    make space for all the amazing.

    allow lifes lessons to soften your soul.

    allow lifes lessons to strengthen your core.

    exist positively, even when feeling unpleasant feelings.

    flip it, switch it and see it in a new way.

    listen and absorb, feel and process before speaking.

    Some of these took me a lot of practice. Months and months. Still practicing!



  109.  #109GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    How to make space for amazing…

    The un-amazing comes and goes. Don’t grab hold of it. Let it come, let it be, let it go.



  110.  #110Linda on February 16, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Indigo, GlowStix…..I feel inspired by your using the tools in your sexuality….. I want to unzipper my heart, sink down into myself lying next to FavoriteCD. Our chemisty and physical relationship is awesome but…I want to get intouch with this part of myself for my sake. I have noticed that I feel self impared/blocked up at times.

    Recently I have become oddly drawn to watching Beyonce’ … she oozes something that is lying blocked and dormant inside me. HA !…. During the superbowl.. everybody at the party I was at was talking and eating and there I was glued to the TV, watching her move. My hidden sexual side feeling inspired and secretely mentored. hmmm !



  111.  #111Linda on February 16, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Glowstix…. how awesome.!!!

    How to make space for the amazing? Let go of what you are holding on to that is not amazing so you can make room for it……. I love IT!!!!

    Same thing for our love lives… if we are holding on to a man that is not “our man”… let go and make room for him!



  112.  #112April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Saying hello to you ladies.

    It’s good to come here and feel sane. It feels good to know you are sexy women living real lives.

    I’m going a bit nuts with having been almost entirely alone for a week.
    I live in a very small town,populated mostly by retired people. My best friend is a 93 year-old woman.

    My other best friend used to be EM. Remember, the man with the guns and the murder fantasies?
    We don’t see each other any more.
    Tonight he drove past me and beeped the horn and waved. That was the first time I’d seen him in three months.



  113.  #113April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Linda

    “..Same thing for our love lives… if we are holding on to a man that is not “our man”… let go and make room for him!..”

    Thank you for this.

    I am pretty sure I let go of WM on Valentine’s Day. He was out of town working. I spent the day feeling neutral whenever I thought of him, and enjoying the anticipation of circular dating.



  114.  #114Linda on February 16, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Hugs to you April Rose

    —-

    I love the Beyonce’ song that says… If you liked then you should have put a ring on it. Makes me inner Sexy Confident Diva stand up and say HE*L YEAH!

    ( I am feeling pretty spunky tonight! ) HA



  115.  #115April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Linda,

    I love the vibe of your spunky postings.

    I remember not so long ago when you were asking for tips on writing an online profile.
    Well, lady. Please can I have some tips from YOU!

    I feel delighted. I have seen you blossom, and I feel proud, encouraged, and smiley-warm whenever I see your postings.

    Thank you for the hug. It feels so good to have a friend right now.



  116.  #116GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    (((((hugs)))))) all around!



  117.  #117April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Missy Glowstick,

    Is one of those hugs for me? 😉



  118.  #118GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Yes, of course April Rose! 🙂



  119.  #119April Rose on February 16, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I’m feelin’ all cuddled-up.



  120.  #120GlowStix on February 16, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    🙂

    Me too!

    And my tummy feels warm and full. Happy!



  121.  #121k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    “Please bring a man into my life who is spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually compatible that will cause no harm to anyone.” Linda, 106. Good evening ladies, how are u this evening? Linda, thank u SO MUCH for sharing that prayer with me. I truly appreciate it. I will certainly copy it and email it to myself. I am so happy that things are working out with Favourite CD. I wish u all the best. God answers prayers girl, I am telling. that prayer covers all the areas. “I have been circular dating, the men all high quality men. My attitude focused on being “a prize” with a unzippered heart, receiving what they brought, with no expectations.” The men are high quality men? Do u mean in terms of occupation, their standards, etc? I would love to know. How did u meet them? Online ? Or did u go out by yourself? Other ladies on here, how did u meet your cds? The first place I am thinking of going is the park. It is just to decide which evening I will go.



  122.  #122k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    “I want peace…”. Indeed Emerson. I agree.



  123.  #123Elsie on February 16, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    OK for those following the drama that is now my life haha…..

    Ok – so I think I messed up big time (I know NV…but there it is….)

    Anyway – so last night at the end of work he TOTALLY had a chance to talk about Valentines Day etc. Nothing was said from him. He didnt even thank me again for the gift, whatever.

    Then he said he would try to text me later…..whatever.

    He did text me but only one text. I answered. That was it. – wow, big deal.

    Then today I was at a friends working on some stuff with her. He texted me at 10, then 11, then 3:30. I didnt answer. I was busy, and didnt FEEL like answering.

    I know I didnt circular date today, but I did get out of the house, and was EXTREMELY BUSY all day – and now I’m exhausted! And that FEELS GREAT. It felt great to have my mind on something other than him.

    My friend said that now that he said that he never wants to get married its like a big elephant in the room and it needs to be discussed. Do you all think that? She said I could say that I didnt need an answer now, but that I just wanted to acknowledge that its there, and that its giving me something to think about and that someday it will need to be discussed if we are at a place where we are moving forward….etc.

    What do you guys think about that?



  124.  #124k2012 on February 16, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Elsie, I agree with your friend. The matter needs to be discussed like now. Not put off till a later date. Discussed like NOW.



  125.  #125sha-sha on February 16, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    I’m feeling so sad this has been a very rough week! I dnt know wht to do??? Hubby eye is getting worst he had blur vision and seeing those floating star things all week headaches. Went to doctor they found bunch of cysts on his eye plus little hole in his retina he is so depressed and distant and withdrawaling a lot I’m so worried about him…………….this is gotta be a horrible feeling to lose eye sight. Idk idk idk idk feeling so sad and helplesss wish I could take his pain away………….. hopefully I can get some sleep tonight



  126.  #126BeLoved on February 16, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Wooowwwwww
    The power of feeling messages…
    On very very trusted inner guidance, I called T today (even though he was listed in my phone as Never Ever Never Never Never Ever Again, which made me laugh).

    I used FM’s all over the place, telling him how I felt about various things and I brought up some stuff from the past and
    WOW
    he GOT me, really really GOT me.
    He validated me and my experience like he was the Validation God or something.
    I cried and laughed
    He was SO funny, poking fun at himself joking about how he would spin galaxies, nebulas, entire UNIVERSES of logic trying to get me to agree with him.
    I felt something release in my body, I felt more relaxed and I felt grateful that I followed my guidance and called him.
    I love him. He is a good, dependable friend and well worth the hellish initial investment.

    It was also interesting that a couple of hours later, he noted this was the first call he’d had from me since 2010 where I wasn’t distressed over man-drama. I felt pleased that he noticed and pleased that I don’t have Man-Drama going on in my life, woo-hoo! Thank you, Rori, for the right tools!!!

    I feel very good, too, that I’m learning to accept people as they are and can see things from others’ perspectives more easily – though with these triggers with my friend, it did take a few days before I got it.
    Because I could see things her way, I learned something new and saw where I was being messy and could clean up my integrity and have better boundaries and communication. I also realized, I need my own therapist to debrief regularly…I need the focused attention and outside perspective.



  127.  #127Memulo on February 16, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    I texted my last nights date and asked about smth he told me. I never did this before, was always waiting for them to contact me. Didn’t feel like a big deal



  128.  #128MovingMagic on February 16, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    *Breathing in…breathing out*. I just stumbled across my exs picture on an online dating site. As soon as I realized it was him I tabbed out without even thinking. I didn’t have time to read anything. I don’t feel like snooping, or stalking. I felt my heart race though. Jittery feelings everywhere. I posted about him coming to mind a few times over the last few days, & then my mom asked about him last night. I ended things with him because I want a different kind of relationship than what he was able to give me. In the healing process I’ve developed a better relationship with myself. I’m feeling triggered right now. This is good…or will be. It’s just another layer of healing, & understanding. The universe is stirring things up a bit. I can feel it. 😉



  129.  #129Tereana on February 17, 2013 at 12:02 am

    I just had the most lovely evening/day.

    this afternoon I went to a meditation, where it was just my friend, her (newly engaged-to!) fiancé, and this other guy, who was…drumroll please…Indian. Gah! And at first, I thought he wasn’t attractive. But after we all meditated, and we were sharing our experiences, and I listened to him talk – and I was really concentrating on listening, and not even thinking about my own “stuff,” i really started to find him attractive. And when we took off his glasses, as we all went out to have coffee … ooh, then I REALLY found him attractive! lol. I think he has a girlfriend. Dang. But no matter. I can still appreciate that his looks and personality were both pleasant and agreeable.

    And all evening, I was thinking of texting him. But then I would think myself out of it, and I didn’t. I forgot about it. And then he texted me to say it was nice to meet me! : ) : ) : ) Happy siren…

    It doesn’t matter what happens. It’s all just about enjoying the moment, and being who we are, and not worrying about stuff or being attached to the outcome

    I have my meeting with (k) this coming week, where I’m going to get very real and raw and honest about myself. And there, too – not having any agenda, or “outcome” to be attached to. But just focusing on saying what it is I need to say. Speaking the truth. Feeling my feelings, and being who I am.

    This feels good!

    I feel relaxed and grounded…



  130.  #130Indigo on February 17, 2013 at 12:11 am

    I’ve noticed there are some rather hectic, profound, intense things coming up for me around D, that are coming up to be shifted and healed, and it feels so good, and I feel too shy to share it with you guys, so I hope that’s ok.

    But suffice it to say I was really not feeling good on Friday night. There was a bubbling cauldron of emotions and kind of intense, panicky feelings swirling around me, and yet…. it all felt kind of “surface”. It felt like stuff that wasn’t the “real” me coming up to ask for my attention, like it was a distraction rather than who I really am, if that makes sense.

    I could feel that, underneath it all, there was calmness and strength, but the emotions at the time were a little scary and made me feel terribly vulnerable.

    Anyway, I had a talk with my mom yesterday and what she said was so wise and calming. We talked for about 2 hours and it shifted my vibe to a stronger, calmer, MUCH better feeling place, and I felt a renewed vow to commit myself to caring for and empowering myself, and being calm and strong in a relationship with a man so that I can pursue my passions, and what I love to do.

    This is where my work is – I am successful in my career, but relationships with men are my achilles heel. This is where I’m taking time to focus. And yet I am amazed at how I am coming along, I can feel the difference. Healing, growing, and it continues. I can feel such a difference. It feels good.



  131.  #131Tereana on February 17, 2013 at 12:13 am

    (k) would be such a good partner…but he never shows that he’s “interested.” At least not to me…even though it comes out in other ways…not that it’s a problem for me, really. But it could be a problem for him. If he doesn’t want it “bad enough,” then of course it’s not going to happen. (i.e. he’s not going to get the relationship he wants.) If it’s all in his mind, and he’s waiting for it to “manifest” – it’s not going to manifest itself. He must be an active participant in the creation/manifestation of it. Or else it’s not going to happen, and he’ll be waiting forever.

    The same way we all would if we all just waited for everything to “manifest” itself in our lives. Which I guess, for me, goes exactly to what’s been “not functioning” in terms of my finances. I might as well own it – as much as I hate to see it, and look at it, and say that this is the case – I am sure that what I’ve been doing is waiting and “hoping” and praying that, if I just believe strongly enough, and keep doing what I’m doing, that my finances are all going to turn around on their own. But…I just gave myself some good advice, I guess. It’s not going to happen that way. I have to participate in the process. And if I keep doing what I’ve always been doing, I’m going to keep getting the results that I’ve always been getting – which are not the results I want. So I have to actively change what I’ve been doing. And that is no easy task.

    BUT..if I can come up with a few simple things that I can change and tweak, and try to do those for 21 days. And as I get comfortable, maybe add some more actions to change and tweak, then maybe, slowly, I can shift my money habits to more positive ones, and really start to “manifest” (in an active way – not a passive one) what I really want in terms of my financial reality.

    Wow! I think I really just “got” something that I’ve been trying to grasp for a really long time. It makes more sense now, and it even feels potentially doable. Because it can happen in small steps, and it’s all about changing my actions – not just my “mindset.” Hooray!

    I feel positive about this, and optimistic that it can start working right away. Even if I don’t see big results, I can start seeing small ones, and then build on them. yay!



  132.  #132Tereana on February 17, 2013 at 12:14 am

    ((Indigo))



  133.  #133Tereana on February 17, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Annie (#31) – I think you forgot FWB, but maybe that’s what you meant by “casual and uncommitted” ; )

    Tam and FW, I love this exchange about sex with a man:

    FW: “Tam men bond to us through sex. They feel rejected when we don’t want it. I have flipped my belief to a man asking for sex is a man asking to bond with me. Especially a man with whom I have history. When he asks I now know that we can talk about it so he can know what I NEED so I can feel loved. With the awareness that men and women experience love and bonding differently.”

    (28) Tam: “FW, I believe it is harmful to have sex with a man when a woman does not feel like it. It causes her to have resentment, and feel less likely to want physical intimacy.
    This was about my needs not being met.
    So I don’t feel like rewarding a man, especially when I do not feel like it. Makes no sense to me?”

    (29) Tam: “I didn’t reject sex, I rejected a man who just wanted to come around for sex. I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute.”

    ~~

    Wow, I so hear both of you, ladies, and both of your comments speak to me on a deep level that I feel like I am wrestling with inside myself:

    On the one hand, I want marriage and a strong commitment as a “container” in which to put sex into. Because I have an idea about myself that that would feel really good, and that it would make sense, and the sex would be more potent, and it would feel “safe.”

    But maybe it wouldn’t…

    Maybe that idea is an illusion. And the sex would not feel safer in that context. Maybe it would feel exactly the same as it feels now – only I would be married.

    In which case, what is the point of waiting, if I feel sexual, and I want sex now?

    On the other (other) hand, submitting to my own sexual desires has not gotten me very far in the past. It’s gotten me sex on a short-term basis, and no further. Which is what has let me (back) to the idea that marriage/commitment is the right container, because it means more sex with one person, rather than random sex with more than one person, and no idea who or when that is going to happen with.

    And this has all come up again, because of my encounter with (k) last week. He said that we weren’t going to have sex. And yet he came onto me in a strong and sexual way. And I had a strong reaction. And so my go-to process is, as usual, to start thinking of ways that I can tweak myself to make the situation more palatable – he wants me. Maybe I can change my point of view so that it can work, and so that he will not feel rejected? EW. Okay, typing that, I can clearly see how that is NOT something I would ever recommend to anyone else. Lol

    And I hear you, FW. Men feel accepted by sex. They feel validated, bonded, manly. And they don’t want it to be a “big deal,” because it’s not a big deal to them. It’s just one way to get to know us, and it’s a very powerful way – for both parties.

    But I feel your reaction, too, Tam. If, as the woman, you are not totally “into” the idea of having sex with a particular guy at the time that he is wanting it – what rule says that you have to “give it up” in order for you not to reject him? The idea of that of course seems terrible, on an intellectual basis. But it’s true that guys often to take rejection of their offer of sex as wholesale rejection overall. I believe it can really feel like that to them, even if that is not at all how we mean it. I’m sure I’ve done that to many guys.

    And I’ve also had sex with guys who “wanted it” in that moment – where I convinced myself that I wanted it, too – and later on felt resentful of them, or didn’t want anything to do with them, because, deep down, I knew that I didn’t really want it, and I blamed them, even though I was the one who said yes. Maybe *because* I was the one who said yes. It’s complicated and tricky.

    And for me, I really wish that sex wasn’t complicated. I wish that it were as simple as saying “yes” to a particular guy, because that’s what I truly want in the moment, and it’s mutual, and it feels good. Whether it’s “commitment” or not could be outside of the equation. Sex can be very honest and genuine, with or without that. And men can (CAN – I’m not saying they will, but they can) fall in love with us when we accept them in that way, without making a “big deal” out of it. Because they are insecure, too, and really all a lot of them really want is a woman who will accept them and sleep with them, and provide them with that connection that they can’t get anywhere else. And that is a fine and valid reason for them to want to sleep with us.

    We just have to be confident and self-assured enough in that moment to know that it is what’s right for us, and that we are not “losing” ourselves in the process. That sex with a guy doesn’t really mean that we are “giving” him who we are, or anything at all. We are simply participating in an experience. And this is where I think it can get to a higher level and produce the kind of bonding we all want and need from it.

    But – it can’t really happen if part of us is not totally “into” it in the moment. And in those moments, we MUST say no. Even if it means that the guy feels rejected. Because we must respect ourselves first – otherwise, he never will. He’ll get over the rejection. But we will never be able to get rid of the resentment of saying “yes” to something we really don’t want….



  134.  #134Indigo on February 17, 2013 at 12:59 am

    Thank you Tereana. X



  135.  #135Emerson on February 17, 2013 at 1:17 am

    Thanks sirens I contacted my friend that I’m in conflict with and she agreed to meet me this next week on Thursday … We shall see…

    In other (more exciting) news…

    ExoticCD texted me today a sweet message….he is so cute I really like him and I find myself thinking about him! However one of my friends is supposed to set me up with a coworker and he is cute too !!! Also there are more guys from the dating site that want to meet me yayyyy! My problem is that I’m working too much right now…



  136.  #136Emerson on February 17, 2013 at 1:21 am

    103-105 glowstix
    Yes I understand what you are saying…thank you for sharing !!



  137.  #137Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 1:45 am

    My cd called me from his vacation last night. I felt surprised he didn’t get me any Vday gift. He always says how beautiful I am and how much he cares, and that with me he thinks about settling down, and he call every night to ask what I am doing, but he normally spends the bare minimum on me .

    I keep on thinking that with these other guys that I meet on the site and that seem to like me so much and compliment me and even with dumbcd – I am too nice and too ‘normal’ and they don’t appreciate me enough. I don’t know how to change this. I don’t cater to them, I am being myself, I don’t allow mistreatment (except when I am caught off-guard, like with the grandmother’s comment) but still lately I don’t have much luck with them. I need to think how to sound tougher.



  138.  #138Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 1:51 am

    On my Friday date 5 mins before the meet up time he called me to say – you won’t believe what happened. He felt very tired and took a nap, and didn’t set up the alarm correctly, so he woke up like 5 mins earlier. He apologized 10 times and was asking me to take a cab that he will pay for and come to the lobby of his building, and we would go out in his neighborhood. He repeated it several times until I said -ok, I’ll take a cab and come closer. When I arrived at his address, I texted him from the cab that I am there and did not leave the cab until he came downstairs and paid. I did not go to his lobby;)



  139.  #139Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 2:02 am

    Emerson, this is great and enjoy – it’s raining men;)



  140.  #140Elsie on February 17, 2013 at 4:07 am

    Ok here is why I”m scared to ask him if he really meant the comment the other day.

    First of all – he knew that my boundary was that I would never just live with someone – that would have to be married thats just my deal. He made it clear several times that he knew that was my deal in the last year and he was on the same page with it.

    The day he said it was the worst day of his life. He was soooo angry, and now he is acting like everything is fine between us.

    And finally, I am frankly terrified to ask him. At this point, I”m not 100% sure I would get a true answer. He will probably say he doesnt want to get married and maybe that is true right now while he is going through this.

    I am scared and anxious to ask him. At the same time, I dont want to be the girl that deludes herself into thinking he is going to do something he has said he wouldnt.

    It was just very out of character for him.

    I’m scared to ask him. I feel angry that I am scared. I feel frustrated that I feel nervous to ask him. I feel like I want to have a relationship where I am not nervous to ask someone something.

    Help? Advice?



  141.  #141Heart on February 17, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Elsie – how long have u been going out with this man?

    ***** 

    I had a good weekend! Went out with friends etc I’ve noticed I tend to rusy things a little…like eating…like even having a conversation..I have been noticing some overall anxious moments while feeling my feeling…Like even while I’m writing this I can feel an anxious desire to complete the “task”….to do things quickly…
    I know Rori talks about this in the ebook…and overall “slowing this down”..
    Does anyone else have any suggestions?



  142.  #142Femininewoman on February 17, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Elsie consider that truth is verbal orgasm. Until you speak your truth the energy will be stuck inside you.



  143.  #143Indigo on February 17, 2013 at 4:54 am

    Elsie

    Are you sure he meant it when he said it?

    I think, as Dominique said it, he could have meant it “in the moment” but he didn’t mean it as a lasting opinion. I have come to see that men are very much like that, in my experience. Words I don’t think have the same gravitas to them as they do to us. That is why we are cautioned to watch a man’s actions, rather than his words. I know Dominique teaches this very strongly.

    I think if it is bothering you intensely, then ask him about it, but if you think there is a chance he didn’t really mean it, maybe try to let it go and watch his actions instead?



  144.  #144Elsie on February 17, 2013 at 4:57 am

    @Heart – we have been seeing each other about a year, but not really. Its complicated (isnt it always? haha.) Anwyay – we are both going through the last year divorces/leaving the other person, etc. We are sort of in the same boat. So – we have never been able to just date and be normal and open, but at the same time, we are in love, and have been very honest (to the point that we say honesty even if it hurts….)

    Thats the reason that I have known from the get go that marriage was on the table with him, and now all of a sudden in his worst moment of anger he said that – and it really upset me, but now he is acting like nothing is wrong. I wonder if he even knows it upset me – probably not.

    @Feminine Woman – well my problem is that I tend to have a bit of verbal diaharrea LOL. I sort of speak and speak and speak and talk and talk and talk, and that never really gets me anywhere because I dont think before I talk and I just spew out emotion and words and this is really important to me, so I want to make sure that I’m asking him at the right time so I actually get a real answer if that makes sense. If you ask someone how they feel about you right after they have had the worst day of their life, you may not get the answer that is really true ifthat makes sense?



  145.  #145Femininewoman on February 17, 2013 at 5:17 am

    Elsie my focus was on what you said. You are feeling a lot of fear yet you have not admitted that truth to him as yet. Speaking that truth is standing in your power regardless of whether you think it is diarrhea. I would think of it as an orgasm. Going via the way of truth is the only way to go.



  146.  #146Heart on February 17, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Elsie – I would encourage you to – Just Forget About it Entirely r Now
    and feel through why all this is happening..

    The bigger issue right now is Your Hung-up-ness.

    It doesn’t matter what he says: if he says – Yes I want to get married — you might distrust it…
    and if he says No, you might hold onto the belief that he could change his mind.

    I guess I’m just encouraging to unearth this FEAR that all of us are dealing with…
    Reread HTRYW and re-start the tools…and let your boy help your girl…
    And maybe when you don’t feel so anxious..maybe then you cspproach the topic…Knowing that whatever he says…you’ll b fine.



  147.  #147CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Elsie, you can speak your truth…or not. I personally think this is an awful time for you to be putting demands on this guy. He’s going through a very intense time. Life altering. I think any kinds of demands will push him away and feel like a huge pressure on him. I don’t understand why this can’t wait… neither of you are free of your previous situations (aren’t you still married??) and it just feels like pushing for something that is simply irrelevant at the moment. It may become very relevant later, but who says it won’t change by then?? I speak from experience… I was told also that “I’ll NEVER marry again” and he is now committed (marriage) to me.
    Anyway, this is your call but you asked for “advice” or thoughts, and these are mine.

    I think the most important thing you can do right now is try to figure out why and how your co-dependent behaviors are so deep and consuming you. Letting go of that “constantly thinking/obsessing about him” vibe is probably the most important thing you could do to foster the relationship…



  148.  #148Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 5:58 am

    I feel so scared that I can’t let go. I make myself act as if I were strong for months but deep down I miss him so much and feel so hurt he disappeared and so unhappy and lost. I feel scared I am missing and have already missed opportunities to talk to him. I feel so angry and humiliated that I mean nothing to him. And so angry at myself that I allowed it to happen.



  149.  #149CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Indigo, you sound so great. I’m continually impressed with how you take care of yourself and honor your own needs in all of this. I know how difficult that is in your situation.

    And I agree with you, and Dominique (and others) who have stressed to Elsie that a comment during a difficult time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s written in stone. We are all (including men) fluid and moveable creatures. Our realities change from day to day. Moment to moment really.



  150.  #150CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Memulo, you do realize that lamenting changes nothing -right? There is NOTHING you can do about the past. You can’t go back in your time machine and change what happened. You can learn from it, but you can’t change it. What good does it do to continually beat yourself up over it, other than erode your self-esteem and cause you great pain???!! Questions to pose to yourself….



  151.  #151CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 6:03 am

    146 I would “like” this post if there was a like button Heart!!



  152.  #152April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 6:05 am

    CurvySiren,

    I am feeling safe and warm reading what you are posting to the ladies here.

    It feels good to be in your presence.



  153.  #153April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 6:06 am

    I am going out for a ride on my bike. It feels so sunny and wintry outside.

    I have hardly spoken to a soul for seven days.
    Feels strange and kinda ghostly.



  154.  #154Elsie on February 17, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Gosh – you girls are great – so many answers and so much to think about for me.

    @Feminine Woman – I am listening to you – I think I do need to speak the truth I’m wondering when to do it though.

    @Heart – THANK YOU that REALLY REALLY resonated with me. You are 100% right. If he says he didnt mean it, I wont believe him. If he says he did mean it – he might not really – things change. I need to worry about myself and not be so codependent. I will tell you that last night I did not answer his last text, and I took a wonderful shower and washed my hair and pampered myself and cleaned my room. It felt awesome.

    @CurvySiren – yes, you are right as well. Its probably a horrible time to be putting demands on him. Or me. Yes, I am still married (ugh, working on more paperwork today – HOPEFULLy can get it filed by the end of this month) Anyway – yes, you are right. I need to work on me. And yes, I did ask for advice, and thank you for giving it!!!!!

    CurvySiren – let me ask you a question – so when you heard I”ll never get married again (and I”m assuming that probably didnt sit well with you) how did you just let that go and move on and not dwell and think about it? How did you handle it?

    I’m just wondering how to do that.

    And yes, this is a man that has changed his mind before. At first he said he would never ever comingle money with anyone – but he told me that he absolutely would with me – I”m the only person on earth he would do that with.

    Thank you again everyone – keep the comments coming.

    Which program of Rori’s do you think I need the most?



  155.  #155Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Curvy Siren – yes. But maybe I should have contacted him after or even now. I feel so scared to do that though.

    I feel that I may have some behavioral ‘flaw’ that makes them think I am not good enough just because I am easy going and friendly, and don’t cause them problems.



  156.  #156Heart on February 17, 2013 at 6:39 am

    how long has it been Memulo since you’ve heard from him?



  157.  #157Tam on February 17, 2013 at 6:39 am

    155 Memulo, often I wonder the same about me…so I am trying to be less easy going etc. I feel I have to change my basic character to ‘demand’ some respect? It seems wrong somehow, but time and time again with certain men I have fallen into the trap of ‘doing something for them, not asking for much/not expecting anything – and being perceived low value’. Either as a result of perhaps because the men were just boundary pushers. The good guys I dated many years ago did not behave like that….hm!!

    Curly yesterday came to my place and said ‘well, I was going to get you chocolates and flowers and take you out for valentines’
    I am thinking ‘and?’
    What stopped him?
    He just said that, on the day itself he sent me a message saying if he should come around for some action between the sheets basically (this is ok btw because I have egged him on..)…but I bet he had neither chocolates, flowers or dinner in *that* plan. So why lie to me?
    They KNOW what to do and how to behave.
    I start to believe certain men just try to get away with as little as they can.
    For me that means I am not going to be their gf. Simple.
    He keeps asking me…I keep saying ‘no’.
    End of.



  158.  #158Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Leaning back and keeping silence unless you are contacted is being passive. It is a refusal to fight for yourself. It is giving up power.



  159.  #159Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Heart – don’t laugh please – 4 months



  160.  #160Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:42 am

    4.5



  161.  #161k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Good morning ladies. I have a lot to catch upon. I will read later when I come back from walking. Going back to work tomorrow. I haven’t heard from Overseas cd since Valentines day as he is messaging less. Newsflash: I just sent him a message “Hello________. I have no expectations ladies. Just saying hi. I am sure he must realize that I have assumed one of the three reasons I listed above (way up in the thread). In any case as I told one of my sisters and hairdresser, even if he was working out, I would not be focusing on him alone unless he started stepping up BIGTIME (whether or not a second cd was in place.) So me saying hello is with no expectations. Just saying hi now and as I said before I put him in the friend zone.



  162.  #162Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Tam, it is a very well known players’ tactics: to say they WANTED to do the right thing. There were times when I fell for it too. Now I would just say – go and bring it. See you later!



  163.  #163Heart on February 17, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I won’t laugh Memulo.
    I think you should contact him…
    he’s been on the back of your horse for too long.
    I think you need to jump start the moving on process…
    Email him…say you felt curious about him or you remembered something blah blah…
    I won’t laugh Memulo…



  164.  #164GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Memulo

    If you ever find yourself in a mindspace where you’re definitely not having “regretful” or obsessive thoughts of what could have been, and you are genuinely just curious to see how he’s doing with an attatchment level of absolute zero…That’s when it will be safe to contact him.

    You absolutely can contact him at any time. Up to you. If you do it from the place you’re in now, however, it may not feel safe, or even good in any way. So just be prepared for that kind of intense “practice”. If you decide to go that route, maybe prep yourself a bit with some of rori’s articles where she says we can do *anything* as long as we are using it to sink in and practice and pay attention to what’s going on with us.



  165.  #165Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Heart, you mean to contact him so that he can reject me again and that will help me to move on?

    In this time, 2 months after he disappeared he removed his profile from the dating site. So I assumed that in his new relationship the girl knows how to stand up for herself. He is still off the dating site, so I assume he is happily with her.



  166.  #166k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Memulo I just saw this and I had to respond before I went walking.”Leaning back and keeping silence unless you are contacted is being passive. It is a refusal to fight for yourself. It is giving up power.” Do u really think so? I would think leaning back gave u power even if u broke it by leaning forward first, like what I just did by saying hi to overseas cd. To me leaning back means that I refuse to run u down or chase u and I am showing u that in the same way u can do without contacting me, I can do without contacting u too. When I lean forward as I just did, I just show I am breaking the ice but I won’t start communicating regularly again especially as I notice a pattern. That’s what I did with the guy before disappearing ex and that is what I am doing now with overseas cd. Later. I have to run now.



  167.  #167Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 6:56 am

    The problem is that I can’t be ‘hard to get back’ and contact him at the same time. It’s either one or the other;)



  168.  #168Tam on February 17, 2013 at 6:58 am

    162 Memulo lol..I didn’t buy it either.
    In fact, I laughed so hard when he said it.



  169.  #169Heart on February 17, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Awwwr thanks CurvySiren

    & Good luck Elsie…I feel good to know my words helped.



  170.  #170Heart on February 17, 2013 at 7:03 am

    #165 – yes Memulo …so he can reject u & u can lose hope, feel sad, accept…move on…
    You know ..the old-fashioned way…



  171.  #171Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Heart, right, this is the result I already have, don’t I 😉



  172.  #172Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:11 am

    GlowStix,

    Thank you. It is very scary to contact him though plus to think that he is prob with someone else (that he left me for).



  173.  #173Heart on February 17, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Memulo – nope …you’re still pining for him…so it seems like you still believe he cares for you subconsciously.
    You still believe he likes you…you still have hope …hence the hurting…

    If you honestly believed you two did not have a “connection” …you would get over him in Five minutes.



  174.  #174GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Any man who kind of just moves on from us or “disappears” is not as “wonderful” as our minds can make him out to be. I’d like to suggest that these men are just NOT THAT GREAT. They are just men. All the energy it takes to think about them so much and orbit around the idea of them puts them so way up high on a pedestal. The only pedastal ANY man need be up upon is the “He gets me he does whatever it takes to make me smile he goes the extra mile” pedestal.



  175.  #175CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 7:15 am

    April Rose, thank you so much. Your comment made me feel so warm and smiley. 🙂



  176.  #176CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Memulo, I agree that you should contact him whenever you are doing so simply for your own benefit, with no expectations other than finding out whatever you need to know. And I might suggest that you’re telling yourself stories about his activity on the dating site. He may be in a relationship with someone…or he may have just realized that he’s not ready for that at all and is putting focus on getting through his divorce, custody issues etc. You really have no idea.



  177.  #177Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:17 am

    He does still care for me on some levels. Part of it is coming out of respect for not running after him. By contacting I will lose my dignity



  178.  #178Luzydel on February 17, 2013 at 7:22 am

    As time passes by, my expectations has gotten lower, but my standards are getting higher. I no longer expect much from men; I don’t even know when I will meet someone again that will get my interest. However, I now have higher standards. I have no tolerance for mistreatment, I want a man who is educated, smart, hard working, compassionate, etc. So the few men I have met so far in the past month are not meeting my standards, I n longer et mad at them; I just let them go. They’re not bad men, just men that will not understand me or treat me right.

    I no longer will date a man just because he is “nice”, I really feel annoyed when I hear that a man is entitled to my chances just because he is “nice”. I want more than a nice man, he has to fit my life as well in so many other levels.

    Sometimes I wish I can loose my attraction to men totally, but who am I kidding? I love men. I love their roughness, their smell, the way they seem nervous when I enter a room. They way they figure out a hundred ways to talk to me… I love everything about men, but now I just want ONE man. He is in my vision, I can feel him, smell him, he so amazing and he fos my life perfectly, like I fit his.



  179.  #179Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:22 am

    GlowStix #174 – thank you, I agree completely. So by contacting I will send a message that it’s ok to disappear on me and he can treat me like s-t anytime he feels like it.



  180.  #180CurvySiren10 on February 17, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Elsie, I “handled” it by backing off quite a bit. Accepting where he was at the time, enjoying the moment(s) with him. We did have some discussions about the subject and we shared our truths and fears with each other…. I came to understand what was holding him back and honestly, just spoke my truth quite a bit. For example, he had huge fears around combining finances and so did I …I mentioned that there were no “rules” about marriage, it could be designed any way the two parties wanted it to be. He really had never thought about it that way…in his mind, and experience, marriage meant becoming “one”. I told him I DID want to remarry but never wanted to combine finances again (I was pretty burned in my marriage – long story but I pay a lot to my ex) and also had no desire to live with someone for quite a while, until my kids were much older.

    Anyway, by listening and talking and hashing through it, he realized that marriage could be whatever two parties wanted it to be. He proposed to me last summer. 🙂

    Again, I want to reiterate that NONE of this happened until I worked a lot on myself. My tendency to be insecure and clingy was a HUGE turn-off and caused us a lot of issues leading up to this. Learning Rori’s stuff. Working one-on-one a bit with Dominique during our breakup… reading, counseling. I really worked at it. I still have my struggles but I’ve learned so much about myself and how to approach relationships. It’s made a huge difference and once I started really grasping this stuff, he came toward me in a HUGE way. I really believe in it.



  181.  #181Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:25 am

    I feel like I am in a dead end situation and I am powerless, unless he contact me but that is not going to happen.



  182.  #182Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:28 am

    We had our first night together exactly a year ago



  183.  #183GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:30 am

    My brain is like talking to me a mile a minute right now. Simmer down brain. I’ll say it:

    It doesn’t really matter how smart or well educated or how wealthy or how friendly or how suave or how sparkly his smile is etc etc etc. All the things our minds can latch onto as things we don’t want to give up, and things we *may never* find in someone else. Those things are actually everywhere in men. Not only this but they are superficial. Superficial what???? no way. mmmm hmmm! Totally superficial.

    What really matters to our heart and soul is a mans heart and soul. I’d go so far as to say, if a woman’s *brain* is holding firm to all those superficials there is probably not much within his heart and soul that connects with our heart and soul. Maybe why it doesn’t work out in the first place.

    Grief is a natural emotion. It is a good emotion. It allows us to give something up when we don’t want to. If we don’t allow ourselves to grieve properly, it can turn into depression and obsession.



  184.  #184Heart on February 17, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Memulo – By contacting him…you won’t be sending any message that it’s ok for him to treat you badly…
    There is No dynamic here, no energy, no push-.ull..No Relationship.
    There is no “Message” being sent.

    He isn’t “treating you badly” by not wanting to pursue you..
    It’s 4.5 months….
    You don’t want to contact him because u don’t want to let go…
    You’re still playing hard to get…
    and its all pretend…



  185.  #185Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Okay GlowStix. I thought his heart and soul were wonderful but then he treated me this way. He lied to my face. So I can’t use it as a ‘connection’ point necessarily. But would it happen if he really wanted me? it didn’t while he was fond of me.

    Now I am the one who lies to my cd’s face – for the first time in my life I am doing it actually. Does it make me a bad person – maybe. Would I do it if I cared deeply about him? Prob not.



  186.  #186Luzydel on February 17, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Glowstix, in a way Romantic relationships are somewhat superficial. There is no unconditional love in Dating and marriage. That does not mean it isn’t worth it, it is what it is. I am not going to be hypocritical with myself and say that all it matters is love with a man; truth is that other things matter. For example, I am done having children at 38, so a man who wants children will not fit my life no matter how good and nice he is; that will get in the way. I will not tolerate a man who has no time for me, or to build a relationship with me, I will not tolerate a man who is financially irresponsible or who does not take care of his health etc. Superficial? well yes, but I got to know myself when I circular dated the past year; and I know that certain things are important even if they are superficial. If I do not address them at the beginning, they will become problems in the future.



  187.  #187GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Memulo

    I admit I have missed a lot here in the past few months…

    Did you allow yourself to properly grieve the letting go of this man? Did you allow yourself to believe he is gone, and be NOT ok with that and cry and scream and punch pillows (if it’s needed). If we don’t go through that process we humans may never fully let go of something, or someone. It is possible, for sure, yet the process moves so much more quickly if we allow ourselves that grief and not being ok with it. It’s like…The more readily you allow yourself to not be ok with it the faster you can move through that and be ok with it.

    I even find, personally, the more fiercely I let something out the faster it is gone. Which is why I scream when I cry when i’m grieving. lol



  188.  #188GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Luzydel

    I am making assumptions based on things *I* latched onto when men hit the road. (because i’ve not been reading the blog a lot lately) So…I didn’t direct that at anyone in particular lol



  189.  #189Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:45 am

    I don’t want to contact him because I don’t want to be rejected again. And then think for the rest of my life that in the end I was on my knees.



  190.  #190GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:48 am

    183 isn’t a reference to boundaries or must haves…It is more about not using those attributes to “hang on” to a man that didn’t feel it with us. If he doesn’t feel it, we can not *truly* connect with him anyways. Well…Maybe we can, it will be pretty one sided. It can even become marriage (I know THAT well enough) yet it won’t feel fully right, or fulfilling (I know that first hand as well).



  191.  #191Heart on February 17, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Memulo ….how dramatic
    (((hug)))



  192.  #192Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:54 am

    GlowStix for me it goes in stages. At first it was hard to accept that he is out of my life, but with time I got used to it. It is when I meet other men I feel so hurt because they are not him. When I meet other men I realize how much I miss him. It doesn’t matter if I decide that he is lost to me forever, I decided that many times. But the truth is that I liked him a lot more and felt for him a lot more compared to other guys I meet, before or after him. I may not want it to be true but it still is and will be even if I try to forget or push it away.



  193.  #193GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:56 am

    I married a man because I loved attributes like that. His sense of humour, his intelligence, how well
    I “got along” with him. At the time…I would have been adamant that I loved his soul. Looking back that feels not possible. How could I love something he never showed me? He never gave that to me. It was only possible in the sense that I loved my idea of it. What I decided it was made of.



  194.  #194Luzydel on February 17, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Memulo, what is it about this man that doesn’t let you move on? If it was me I will go deep into myself and see what is it about him that triggers all the insecurity. Then I will ask my self if my happiness and emotional well being deserves to be sacrifice just to chase this man. Then I just drop it, it doesn’t really matter why he did what he did or whatever, the truth is that it isn’t making me feel good, and I love me more than anything to spend time worrying about what could’ve been or not. he is not in my presence fitting my life an loving me. Send him some love and good thoughts, then Drop it!



  195.  #195Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 7:57 am

    on the other hand I know that in Starla’s situation I would have not contacted a guy and it would have been a mistake apparently. Though her situation – and sorry I am referring to it in this way – is an exception.



  196.  #196Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 7:58 am

    LoveAlways – 33 – I don’t know if anyone has responded to you yet on this; regardless these are my thoughts.

    When you are in a committed relationship or at least exclusive, it’s OKAY to initiate sex. It seems as though your needs are more than his, and there is nothing wrong with this. It just is.

    So go ahead and initiate it feels good to you. BUT I don’t want you to do so carrying expectations. You need to be okay with a no if he says no.

    This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or find you sexy and a turn on. It simply means he’s not in the mood at that moment.

    You will begin to feel a change in the energy between you, an off feeling in the masculine/feminine energy dynamic when you do it too much, initiate I mean. So then you pull back from initiating as much.

    You will notice a pattern emerging, and you will just know when you overwhelm him.

    Know that these patterns will shift depending on his stress levels.

    So please, go ahead, enjoy. Sex is fun, amazing, feels great, go for it. I initiate a lot, and all is well.

    xxoo



  197.  #197GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Memulo

    If you are still holding how you feel about other men up to how you felt about him, it suggests that you have not let go. You are suggesting that you felt “alright”, not with having let go of him, but with having him not around physically.

    I don’t know if that makes sense, it feels difficult to put to words what i’m seeing.



  198.  #198Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Linda – 37 – Awesome…

    xxoo



  199.  #199Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 8:14 am

    GlowStix, yes of course I have not let go. I mean it became bearable with time to not having him around. It is still painful to meet other men.



  200.  #200Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Luzydel, thank you, it helps. It’s what I have been telling myself or at least was struggling to tell myself. But then there are weak moment when I think – what if I need to take some action and I am just not doing it because I don’t see it, am weak, passive, not smart enough or capable of handling the situation…



  201.  #201Luzydel on February 17, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Memulo; Now days I just Visualize…

    I go to the situation and make different scenarios, and then feel them. I will see myself contacting him and see, him not responding, or telling me he met someone else, or that he never felt it for me. Then I will feel and see how will I react, will I go to a self destructive pattern? Then I just don’t contact him…

    I will also see that he was happy to see my email, and wants to reconnect (yayy), but then I see myself getting lost and dropping everything for him again and forgetting about myself…Then I just will not contact him…

    I will also see myself contacting him and being ok wit whatever happens, and use it as a learning experience, perhaps as a way to let go of old feelings and expectations and let new things come into my life (whatever they are)…then i just contact him and whatever he does, is his problem and has nothing to do with me….

    It is not what he does that will affect you, but how you feel about it….



  202.  #202GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 8:28 am

    (((memulo)))

    I believe you are smart enough and capable enough to handle any situation. You just are. It will be learned fears and patterns and built up walls that will hold you back from handling a situation with grace and self care. You may fear the feelings that will come with whatever you believe is most likely to go down. Or maybe you fear being vulnerable. Whatever it is…You are where you are now, and nothing can really happen to harm you or make you “worse off”. You can call him and he can fully reject you and you can take that, and learn and grow and be BETTER off. Anything can be positive, no matter how unpleasant it may feel, depending on your very own perspective. Maybe you call him and he asks you out and you go, and realize he’s not right for *you*. Or maybe you don’t call at all and let him go and allow that to make space for new men to show you their soul and see how you connect with them, without hoping they are the other guy in disguise. Or maybe you call him and he asks you out and it just works and you end up in a lifelong relationship. No possible way of knowing what might happen…

    There are no “what ifs” there is only what is, right now, and what you decide to do with it.



  203.  #203GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Luzydel

    What you have to say resonates with me. Diggin’ it!



  204.  #204Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 8:37 am

    k2012 – 91 – What ifs are not so useful for you. It’s better to cross this bridge when and if you get there. Yet that said, see how you feel at the time. If you feel happy to hear from him, say so, and if you feel angry, say so.

    xxoo



  205.  #205Luzydel on February 17, 2013 at 8:39 am

    I am visualizing going out now, and having a random stranger starting a conversation with me, and I am feeling so alive. Truth is the random stranger in my mind is a man, but he/she could be just anyone….

    I am missing some meaningful connection, I am going out to date the world today…



  206.  #206Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Thank you sirens. Purim is in a week and I was planning to go to the synagogue. There is a slight chance to see him there. If not, I will think what to do.

    Today is his kid’s bday though.



  207.  #207GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Luzydel

    Sounds nice 🙂 Have fun!



  208.  #208GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 8:47 am

    In my experience men from my past contact me when my energy is very open abd vibrationally positive and receptive. It’s like something sends them a subconscious signal and they have a sudden urge to contact me. Even if i’m not opening my energy *for them*. Actually…Especially if i’m not opening my energy specifically for them.



  209.  #209Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Tereana – 133 – What lovely processing. 🙂

    xxoo



  210.  #210Heart on February 17, 2013 at 9:07 am

    want u to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world ♬



  211.  #211Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Elsie – 140 – I was absolutely terrified to have certain talks with K in the beginning, and by this I mean three, four years into the relationship. And what I discovered was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, me fears, my past. I felt so unaccustomed. I learned with time that having a talk was not the scary thing I had created in my head as long as I was clean in my communication and did not have an expectation, when I could be okay with a no if no was what I received.

    So you tell him you feel scared, embarrassed, nervous even thinking about talking about this with him, yet keeping it in feels even more awful. Tell him you feel concerned about what was said the other day, and it’s still sitting inside you, festering.

    xxoo



  212.  #212Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Heart – 141 – Awareness is key, and you are gaining this. So consciously allow yourself to experience more fully, eg. savoring that bite of food, really noticing the textures, the flavors, the smells, the sounds as you chew, and so on. Stop and take in the vision of a beautiful flower on your route, take it in, notice the patterns, the colors, the flow, the smells, the feel of it under your fingertips. Allow.

    xxoo



  213.  #213Elsie on February 17, 2013 at 10:10 am

    @Dominique – thank you for your advice. I read your post several times. Do you think it would be good for me to do this now? I agree with another poster (CurvySiren) that said that if he said he didnt mean it I probalby wont believe him, and if he said he does mean it – he could change his mind one day….

    So – should I have this talk with him now, or just work on myself and wait until he is in a more gentle place to approach him etc?

    Elsie



  214.  #214April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Glowstix,

    I love this!

    The only pedastal ANY man need be up upon is the “He gets me he does whatever it takes to make me smile he goes the extra mile” pedestal.

    It reminds me that I will not settle until I find such a man who is worthy of said pedestal! 🙂 🙂



  215.  #215Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:06 am

    taking real good care of me !



  216.  #216k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 11:09 am

    “That is why we are cautioned to watch a man’s actions, rather than his words.”. Amen Amen. Indigo, don’t remember if its u who said that. TRUEEEEEE. Memulo, u really liked this guy after 4 and half months. I understand. I was going to tell u to contact him, when I saw further down that u said u are not going to contact him. Maybe u need counselling then. Have u spoken to Dominique or Rori about it. If they live in your area, u could make an appointment to see them.



  217.  #217Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 11:10 am

    I got a call from someone I met on a dating site a year ago, just before dumbcd. Back then we had a couple of dates and I liked him as a friend but was not sure about anything romantic, though thought if he wants me I would consider. It turned out he didn’t want it and he told me so very soon. It was fine, I felt more relaxed about keeping in touch as friends, but that didn’t really happen.

    So – he saw me on the site and decided to call to catch up. I got so many compliments.. he said – wow, in one year you’ve changed so much. Your job, your apartment, a long term relationship and out of it and you sound so grounded and optimistic and happy. (IF HE ONLY KNEW LOL). I still don’t have feelings for him and it doesn’t matter, but it felt so good to be appreciated, even if I don’t take much credit for all that happened last year.



  218.  #218April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I’m feeling strange. WM has been away working all week, and I’ve had the place to myself.
    And…it’s felt really good.
    I feel nervous of his return.

    I like the place how I have it – clean, tidy, calm.

    And I like being able to switch off all the electrical things when I go to bed. Feels so calming.



  219.  #219April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I don’t know if he is coming back today or tomorrow. He hasn’t been in touch to let me know. I feel anxious not knowing.
    I feel angry.



  220.  #220Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 11:53 am

    April Rose, he will let you know once he is back.



  221.  #221k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

    204-Dominique I initiated contact. I said hi to him. He answered quite lively. He said he is in another state attending the funeral of his best friend. The service was just finished. He was just going to help set up the hall for the repast. So he seems to be busy. Well that’s my first cd. Looking forward to meet a second one. One of my sisters was saying that meeting of the second cd sometimes take time.



  222.  #222k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Sha-sha, I pray for your husband and that God will give him strength at this time. Ask a minister of religion to give him some prayers. I pray that his sight will improve and be fully returned. Luzydel-186.”I will not tolerate a man who has no time for me, or to build a relationship with me, I will not tolerate a man who is financially irresponsible or who does not take care of his health etc”. True true. I totally agree with u.



  223.  #223Liz on February 17, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Rori!

    Your program is BLOWING MY MIND and totally changing my life. Thank you! It is taking a little time to sink in, but my self esteem is improving, I have been taking way better care of myself and I have noticed a significant shift in my energy.

    I spend a lot of time with spiritual elders and have studied many modalities of healing and ancient wisdom traditions over the years. I never imagined I would find the KEY in a California Life Coach, haha. And talking to my friends who are deep in long term teacher-student relationships and spiritual communities, I realize, they are still struggling with their relationships and doing all the things you talk about, in spite of their elevated teachings, living in an ashram or sitting at the feet of the guru for years. Sometimes we just need to hear it straight. I am grateful for your unique wisdom and how it has helped me in such a down to earth and practical way. You are really a Maestra de Amor.

    When I look at my own codependence and the things that I have wanted in a partner but struggle with myself, it is eye opening, humbling and empowering! Which leads me to my question…

    My next task is to heal any and all past disharmony around money, so I can take excellent care of myself financially, too. It goes deep in my family. I am living in a third world country in Central America at the moment, a great place to practice abundance!

    But I am writing to ask for your personal referral for a program that is similar to yours around money. I have observed many coaches of all kinds over the years around the internet and in the Bay Area where I was previously living. I found them so questionable that I had written off coaching altogether several years ago.

    I really enjoy the holistic nature of your approach, and seek a financial coaching program in a similar format that I could purchase (rather than personal one-on-one coaching), that will resonate with me the way yours does. I would trust your referral completely.

    If you have any recommendations, I would be so grateful! And thanks again for everything. I have gone through the complete program and listen to a little very day. I never get tired of listening to you, thanks for being such a great orator and not weird or annoying in any way, haha! I could listen to you for hours and I do! You can use that in your newsletter, lol.

    Now that I have watched all the programs, we will see if it works! So far, so good. There is a guy I met right before I left for Central America who I was pining for just a little. The moment I decided not to put any more energy into a long distance connection, as minimal as it was, he Skyped me and said he wants me to come back to the States and live with him. It felt good but the best feeling of all was knowing that I can have SO MUCH MORE! And if that romance were to ever work out, it would be with the whole courtship that I desire, and completely initiated by him, while I enjoy all these gorgeous Guatemalan guapos. Yee ha!

    Thanks again, Rori!

    Lots of Love,
    Liz



  224.  #224Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Elsie – 213 – This was another thing I dealt with, wondering when was a good time to ask for a talk and whether I really ought to ask for one at all, whether this was my stuff to deal with or something to work through together.

    And if I was working with you, likely I would ask you to really look deeply inside, see why all of this was hitting you as hard as it was.

    Following your story, I saw a woman experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress of her own creation, holding expectations without allowing for circumstances so much, and I SO understand this. I’ve been in a similar situation.

    Yes there was his stuff too going on, yet if this anxiety wasn’t present, you may have had different feelings altogether.

    Given what he’s dealing with, I would suggest you to do your best to let this go. As I said the other day, men say things in the moment which they may very well mean in that moment, yet in the next it’s gone. He feels differently.

    If this is still eating at you in say a week or so from now, then let’s revisit this and decide if you still really want to talk to him.

    How does this sound?

    xxoo



  225.  #225Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    k2012 – 221 – And now that you’ve initiated contact, put the ball in his court so to speak, maybe this is a good time to see what he does from here.

    xxoo



  226.  #226k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    “Another red flag and a typical
    case scenario of a commitment phobe
    is a man who’s been divorced
    and had a messy divorce… that
    scarred him for a long time..

    This type of man is very unlikely
    to jump into another relationship
    swiftly……

    He will take his time…
    …sometimes years…. before he is ever
    ready for something serious…”

    Ladies I saw this article in my inbox today. In my opinion a man who i



  227.  #227Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Memulo – If you do want to talk to me, email me, and I can work something out with you. I would love to help if I can.

    xxoo



  228.  #228Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    It drives me crazy that maybe I could do something about the situation and I am not doing it. Though I tell myself all the time – he dropped you and never looked back, it’s so clear. He made the decision. he doesn’t want you!!!!



  229.  #229Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Thank you Dominique.



  230.  #230k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    “Another red flag and a typical
    case scenario of a commitment phobe
    is a man who’s been divorced
    and had a messy divorce… that
    scarred him for a long time..

    This type of man is very unlikely
    to jump into another relationship
    swiftly……

    He will take his time…
    …sometimes years…. before he is ever
    ready for something serious…”

    Ladies I saw this article in my inbox today. In my opinion a man who is divorced is not necessarily a commitment phobe. If he had a messy divorce and is scarred like what the writer says, that is different. The guy before disappearing ex was divorced too but as I said before he wasn’t ready for a relationship although his marriage had broken up 3 years before and he got his divorce earlier that year. The things he used to say for eg. Some women are angels on the outside and devils on the inside. Was referring to women who liked him at his church. Told me his marriage was bad when I asked him what happened why it ended. Trust me he was nowhere ready for a relationship. In fact he told me that “he is not good with relationships” so I wasn’t surprised when he stopped writing.



  231.  #231k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Oh dear my comments went to moderation. What did I do wrong? Ok, so Dominique, so jusy basically watch and see what he is going to do. Okay. I will just chill and wait and see what he is going to do. Ladies, I am going to the park on Friday afternoon after work with a book to read. So I am stepping out.



  232.  #232Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Memulo – Big hugs. <3

    xxoo



  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on February 17, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    @Rori says;
    “… we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US…”

    Yes, it’s a day of love: one of my favorite holidays. Some years I think of Valentine’s Day as the first day of spring even though the cold weather is still upon us; it’s spring as in “time to turn to thoughts of love.”

    I’m a little “over-chocolated.” I received more valentines than expected: a really nice box of chocolates from “Sweetie” last Saturday “in case the Valentine elves were snowed in” and then I got a second one on Valentine’s Day…

    Happiness to everyone. The happiness we create is the best of all..

    SLV
    xoxo



  234.  #234Senior Lady Vibe on February 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Rori Raye says:

    “The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.

    It doesn’t matter if the fling lasts days, weeks, months or even years (and, yes – many men are totally capable of allowing friendly “flings” to endure for years…) if it isn’t a lifelong love partnership, with all the commitment bells and whistles you desire in order to relax and feel happy, then it’s still a “fling.”
    — Rori Raye

    SLV
    xoxo



  235.  #235Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    I feel very relaxed with my cd. I have no question of when to expect his call, text, next date. I feel secure.

    I wonder sometimes if I am too tired to fight for what I really want and ready to settle for security and relative comfort. Btw dumbcd refused to live in a ‘beaten up’ mode. He fought back.



  236.  #236Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    The truth is – no one can help me. Right words help for 2 hours and then it stops. Maybe one day I will just wake up and it will be gone.



  237.  #237k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    233-SLV. I am going to pretend I am in church now and say Amen and if I will also say “pram pram”- a phrase we use in my country when we hear a song we love. FW-u should know this phrase. But trustb me SLV and other ladies all those words written by Rori are SO TRUE. In a nutshell what she is really saying is , WATCH A MANS ACTIONS, NOT HIS WORDS. So then if Overseas cd doesn’t step up and call and show that he is SERIOUSLY wants a relationship then clearly he wants a fling? Ok then. Actions speak louder than words, ladies. Check ur mens’ action whether they are cds, FWB/casual sex, boyfriends and even husbands, cause as someone else said earlier some men marry u and still don’t treat u right although marriage is supposed to be the ultimate commitment.



  238.  #238Dominique on February 17, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Memulo – It may never be all gone, yet it gets easier and easier the more you can feel trust in yourself and the safer you can feel in another’s presence.

    xxoo



  239.  #239k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    I am reading chapter 3 now of Victoria Clarke’s book and its wonderful. I have so many books I want to buy. I got this one free, I bought one more and I still need to buy Rori’s e-book. I have lost count of the number of relationship coaches I have subscribed to. Does anyone know the cost of the new edition of Rori’s book?



  240.  #240k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    “You must be strong enough to extricate yourself before you get in too deep.” Victoria Clark. She is speaking about bad relationships. My goodness. I am going to tell my friends about this blog and all the coaches I have subscribed to. I wish I had known all of them a long time ago to receive the wonderful advice that they give to women. And when it is their experiences, its even better cause we learn from them.



  241.  #241k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Continuing from my last post,”If you don’t, you may find yourself spending years, not months, recovering from the pain of breaking up with someone who was never right for you.” Victoria Clark. This is absolutely true. A truth for all of us who have been involved with men who wasn’t right for us.



  242.  #242April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    k2012

    Rori’s new edition of her e-book costs $20



  243.  #243April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    I’ve learned some strong lessons from being with men who weren’t right for me.

    And I guess I would have carried on going from one not-right man to the next, if I hadn’t discovered that I can have a lot more input in choosing the man I want.

    It feels so good and natural to have the tools and the choices and the growing self-esteem.



  244.  #244April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Hmmm,

    I notice I wrote “choosing the man I want”.

    I’m sensing a subtle and significant difference in aspiring for the ‘man I want’, and then thinking of it as ‘the relationship I want’.



  245.  #245k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Thanks April Rose.



  246.  #246April Rose on February 17, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    I can influence the relationship, but I can’t influence the man.

    I can notice how the man responds in the relationship.

    It is for the good of the relationship that I lean back (nothing to do with influencing the man)
    My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward. It doesn’t guarantee that he will. It simply creates the opportunity, through the ‘breathing space’ inside the relationship.



  247.  #247GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    april 245

    Bingo! 🙂



  248.  #248k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Yes April Rose. The power is in our hands to choose the man whom we want and to reject those who don’t fit the bill. Pram Pram!!! Lol. I must email what I just wrote to myself. This is something that we all need to remember.



  249.  #249Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    I started thinking – maybe I should have called again back then??



  250.  #250Rori Raye on February 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    Liz – you ROCK!! And I don’t want to just throw out a referral to a money guru because he or she is my friend (I’m friends with Gina DeVee, who’s amazing and about “wealth consciousness” – and my friend Virginia Clark does a great Wealth Consciousness coaching (and she may have a small program around it on her site http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com – you’ll love her…) – so, the only thing that keeps sticking in my mind is this: Morgana Rae (you’ll have to google her) has a thing where money is your boyfriend…and I just love that concept. I’m not recommending her because I’ve never bought a program or book, though I’ve read many of her articles and they’re delightful- but if she has a book – you might want to try it. Love, Rori



  251.  #251Memulo on February 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    Ok, I should stop.



  252.  #252k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    April Rose 246. “My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward. It doesn’t guarantee that he will. It simply creates the opportunity, through the ‘breathing space’ inside the relationship.” True true. “My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward.” I definitely need to remember this part especially cause sometimes I think that when the man lean back, he is not interested. Not necessarily that cause we all need space, not just men but us women too.



  253.  #253sha-sha on February 17, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    K2012 thanks for ur words and prays 🙂



  254.  #254Elsie on February 17, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    @Dominique – First of all – thank you for the time that you take – not only for me for all of us on here – it really means a lot to me and I’m sure to others. Your opinion always seems to resonate with me….

    You said @213 that I should look to why this was hitting me as hard as it is. Its because I’m insecure. I need reassurance. I look to other people for that because for some reason I cant seem to give it to myself even though I know people will tell me I need to – I just dont know how.

    I think after thinking about it – the reason it hit me so hard is because not only was it NOT reassuring, it was EXACTLY the opposite of that. Also it made me feel like the thing that was my deal breaker and important was just casually thrown out and then there was no discussion afterwards about that.

    You are right I do have a lot of anxiety and stress and worry and frankly a lot of it is my own fault and my own creation – I will have to agree with that.

    Its hard to know what to do – you say to let it go. Some of my friends told me yesterday that there is NO WAY they would let that go and he would get a “talking to” LOL. Some sirens on here said the same thing.

    Its this weird line that you walk to decide whether to give space and time and let something go – or will you look like you are being walked all over by someone.

    I have been leaning back since the incident on Thursday. Well, except for a bit on Friday when I gave him a stupid present LOL – wow, not the best idea. But anyway….

    Then Fri, Sat. and Today I have been very pleasant in my texts back to him, but I havent answered every text, and when I do answer its always very delayed. I am doing other things for myself and for those I care for, so I am really trying to pamper and take care of myself physically and emotionally.

    Thank you again Dominique – I really do read your words very carefully and appreciate them. 🙂



  255.  #255coco kisses on February 17, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Hello sirens!!!!!!



  256.  #256Turquoise on February 17, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    WELP, I saw Sweetheart Friday night and briefly yesterday. We were supposed to see each other again today, spend most of the day together after his son left. At 3:45 I texted to see what time he was leaving and he wrote back that he’s not, decided to stay. (no school tomorrow) I said, oh, would have been nice if you’d told me since we’d planned to see each other. He said that they had just figured it out. And THEN, asked if I was going to be all pissed off at him now? I waited a little bit and then responded that I felt it might be best to take a break. I said that I totally understood wanting to spend time with his kids, and that I wasn’t mad about that. It was that I can’t be there too (even though I met his son and he told me it went well) because it might cause a problem with his ex. (this is based on prior conversations) I said that it didn’t feel like he was ready to be my boyfriend and that it didn’t feel fair to me. I said he’s cancelled on me 4 times recently.

    Again, like I posted before, if he’d ever said, sorry, this came up… but it’s just always cut and dry, and I feel… rude. As if waiting until 4 to let me know our plans for the day were cancelled is no big deal and no problem.

    He replied that he’d told me he needed patience and I’d assured him over and over again that I understood… was that just all talk? And then said that if I wanted a break fine, wanted to end it, fine…

    I responded that I feel I have been very patient and understanding, and I do know where he is coming from. I said that I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel like a priority. It seems he always wants to see me when he has nothing else to do, but never chooses to spend time with me, or make it work to spend some time with me whenever it might ruffle feathers with his ex. SO, that is fine if that is what he’s looking for, but it’s not what I want, or how I want to feel to someone who claims to love me so much. We talked about all of this during the week, he said he completely understood, yet… again, it happened.

    The conversation ended with him saying he refuses to fight with me and will talk to me later. The thing is… he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?

    I get it now with CDing, I really do. I felt like he was saying and doing all the right things so I couldn’t justify CDing, but it didn’t last. Then, I felt stuck in the girlfriend trap, and unhappy, unsatisfied.

    I don’t know where this will go, if it will ever pick back up… but I was starting to feel scmoozed… if you don’t know that word, it’s like someone just saying all the right things.. but it feels wrong… or almost like a con, or a lie.

    The fact that he is so worried about upsetting his ex, makes me wonder what he’s telling her.



  257.  #257MovingMagic on February 17, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    April Rose, I really feel what you posted about having a choice when it comes to the men in our lives. I’m in a similar place when it comes to dating. I’m setting boundaries/loosening my strong hold more & more. It’s funny how having boundaries allows for a more relaxed attitude toward dating. 🙂



  258.  #258GlowStix on February 17, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Mothers give their sons a “talking to”.

    A woman speaks to a man authentically through her heart and her feelings and demonstrates self care.
    Strong inside, sof outside.



  259.  #259k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    “The thing is… he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?” Yep u are right. If the actions don’t back up the words, it makes no sense. One of my sisters was married to a man who said he loved her, yet put her under so much stress. When she was sick one time and needed him, he was not there. He put her through so many things, she ended up leaving him, yet he always declares that he loves her. One day he did something that was the last straw. She kicked him to the curb. Our family supported her decision 100 percent. She has not regretted it. Actions is a powerful thing. They don’t lie. Anytime u want to find out how a man really feels about u watch his actions, trust me.



  260.  #260Liz on February 17, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks for the referral, Rori! Besos de Guatemaya! xoxo



  261.  #261Indigo on February 17, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    Aaah CurvySiren,

    I feel so understood and connected to you. I appreciate your support and encouragement so much.

    And may I just say it was so wonderful to read about your process in #180, it just sounds so deep and mature and I’m so impressed with the personal work you’ve done.

    I feel as if you could have been describing the road I’m on.

    X



  262.  #262Emerson on February 17, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Things I like about exoticCD
    Smart
    Masculine
    Orders my drinks and dinner for me
    Paid the tab tastefully
    Gentleman
    Cute personality
    Funny
    Sweet
    Open
    Accepting
    Nonconformist
    Kind
    Did I mention hot!!
    Sexy
    Calls me
    Texts me
    Easy to talk to
    Asked me on a real date
    Flirty
    Funny



  263.  #263k2012 on February 17, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    Hence the name Exotic cd. Lol. Omg. Things a gwaan fe u. Okay let me translate that. Things are happening for u.



  264.  #264Daria on February 17, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    I feel excited to buy or make leather opinci ie moccasins

    I feel excited about taking charge of my electromagnetic energy n health



  265.  #265Daria on February 17, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    I feel sad n afraid too

    N I feel sleepy



  266.  #266Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I hooked myself up by putting on the humidifier

    Smh

    Mmm pleasure….

    N I covered the night light on it so I’m not bothered by it at all !

    I feel wow n good about myself how I’m caring for myself

    Thank you Daria



  267.  #267Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    N now I have the heater on so I will have both heat n moisture yeeee I feel shivery n thrilled



  268.  #268Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    Hello Coco kisses 🙂



  269.  #269Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    I fuchks w Morgana Rae.

    What I don’t fuchks w is ‘killing’ the money monster

    I killed it and I feel so much better w my stocking to loving embracing non blame n healing n thriving n transforming

    Thanks

    N thanks for healing my energies around this



  270.  #270Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    K2012 – of you don’t mind sharing w me I feel curious to read Virginias book

    If u will allow me to read it from u can u email it to me magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com



  271.  #271Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    I feel so good that my girlfriend said my hair looks healthy

    Thank you Daria for caring for me



  272.  #272Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    I feel excited tomorrow is a good day for hair removal…

    I want to trim n design my nani
    I feel numb talking about that

    Shy

    I feel sad my toenails didn’t get trimmed today 🙁

    I feel disappointed

    I feel guilty

    I feel relieved

    Thank you Daria



  273.  #273Daria on February 17, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    It feels good to answer some POF messages ! I feel pleased that I notice feeling piqued in interest by a variety of looks of men



  274.  #274coco kisses on February 18, 2013 at 1:38 am

    I feel restless
    I feel a little cold in my bed, wowzers its cold for Florida tonight!
    I feel a bit frustrated on quest for emotional availability.
    I am getting divorced. It feels relieving mostly. Ihave already filled the paper work, things should be finalized by end of March. I feel sad for my daughter, who misses my ex husband terribly. He left for Virginia without seeing her, he deleted her from his Facebook page…..i am putting her in therapy, both of us, that’s what feels right. I dont want her to grow up thinking this was her fault. Or that she is some how unlovabl…….i am fighting feelings of rejection…..i guess trying to balance them with the reality of the truth., which is i was married to a man who was never in love with me, and was unwilling to give me what i needed emotionally, sexually, spiritually…….i take responsibility for my actions because i knew this deep down, but moved forward instead of honoring all the warning alarms, bells, and whistles that were going off in my body…i thought he was my only option….i didnt love myself enough, and i was looking for someone to save me from myself. All this time i felt horrible because i thought you had to be perfect in order to be loved…….I am good enough to be loved as i am…….i do believe that my ex was wrking with things the best he knew with his limited capabilities. .or maybe i was not the one, and whrn he meets his dream girl, he will be a wonderful husband to her……that’s not my concern anymore. I am working on my own emotional availability…..trying to develop deeper more intimate friendships..i have faith that this is my year for a love of a lifetime..im expecting him to show up……in the meantime im doing me



  275.  #275Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 1:42 am

    Hi coco,

    I feel for both you and your daughter. I am wonder if she will eventually need help with feelings of abandonment. Yayy you for being wise and for choosing to help her with therapy.



  276.  #276coco kisses on February 18, 2013 at 1:46 am

    IOh and for those of u who have followed this year long drama unfold…the night after our make out session, he cae over fir dinner and was polite but distant, saying he doesn’t know what happeed(the night before) , but he felt weird, at the same time, he was telling me he didnt want to sign the divorce papers, so after being ignored new year’s eve…with the exception of a text he sent me just after midnight sayibg happy new year babe, i decided i needed to take my lufe tinto my own hands…..so i did



  277.  #277coco kisses on February 18, 2013 at 1:47 am

    Thanks feminine woman. …i feel ur concern. ….



  278.  #278Tam on February 18, 2013 at 4:39 am

    ‘he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?’

    So true. And this is where we draw boundaries, make decisions etc.

    I just had a ‘fairly’ lovely weekend with Curly.
    He is one of those guys who talks a lot but not much happens, that much I know. On the other hand, that is also his personality. He just talks. And talks. And talks. And he tests my boundaries, and then stop and realise that it suits him better to treat me nicely instead. Once again he mentioned me getting the bus to his place (just a few blocks down), so he doesn’t have to come up here, to take me for a day out. I simply said nothing, and implied that we could touch base later and see what we do.
    He called an hour later saying ‘so when can I pick you up’. Luckily for him I had not made other plans yet but fully intended to. I am not waiting around for a man anymore.
    So he picked me up to take me to the city, we had plans to go to two arts events – his idea, and I got soooo excited. As he came, I realised he brought the dog. So I knew already there weren’t going to be arts events and we were basically just going for a dog walk in one of the US’s busiest cities….go figure how pleasant that is for a girl who loves peace and quiet and arts and the sea side.
    After a while of dogs sniffing arses in crowds, and stopping at every pole, I got upset. I actually said: you know what? I thought we were going to see some arts, and now I feel disappointed that this has turned into an annoying dog walk in a busy pedestrian street which makes me feel on edge as well as bored. He had a complete turnaround and apologized and said he was so sorry that I was disappointed and what would Iike to do??

    So I said to him to please take me away from the crowds to an informal place on the waterfront.
    And he did. And it was relaxing. He found enough doggie people to continue the arse sniffing and chatting with strangers, whilst I just sat in the sun, watching the boats and the people walk by. At some point I noticed I had tears running down my face because I was thinking of MrP and the place was somewhere he would have taken me, or we’d have pulled up on with the boat. It was ok.
    I was just feeling melancholic.

    I did have a nice weekend, in the end. Not perfect, but because I chose to appreciate it for what it was, and not expect Curly to be a different man, and not expect him to read my mind, just because MrP could read my mind, I started feeling better.



  279.  #279Tam on February 18, 2013 at 4:55 am

    Meanwhile, MrP is under the impression that I am upset with him….else our friend wouldn’t have asked me if/why we were not speaking.
    MrP thinks I am not speaking to him just because I told him that I don’t want anymore contact, or rather only authentic talk and no more meaningless texts etc.
    It has been going round in my head to tell him that I am not angry with him or not ‘not speaking’ with him, but I realised there is simply no point.
    This could be a blessing in disguise and keep him away.
    So I let it be.



  280.  #280Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Turquoise, you are so right! I loved every word you told him. I wish I were this way when it mattered.



  281.  #281Elsie on February 18, 2013 at 5:20 am

    @coco kisses – wow your story really resonantes with me. Not exactly the same but similar. Anyway – I should be filing in March too – and I’m really ok with it and have tons of support from family and friends. I should have done it years ago but didnt.

    Just wanted you to know someone else is out there that is going through it too..



  282.  #282Elsie on February 18, 2013 at 5:22 am

    @Daria – I really like how you just can be so in touch with your feelings and write them down. You seem to be very open and allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is probably exactly why you are in a better place emotionally than me – haha! I have a more difficult time doing that.



  283.  #283Elsie on February 18, 2013 at 5:28 am

    The wind outside is howling and so strong. I had a realization as I laid in bed.

    I feel safe inside my home. The wind cant get me or hurt me, its just loud. I”m safe and warm and snuggled in bed.

    Thats the way my life should be too. Things that are hurtful or chaotic or stressful…..they exist out there, but I should be able to come back inside MYSELF – NOT ANOTHER PERSON…..and feel safe and warm and snuggled.

    I am always looking to someone else to feel accepted, validated, appreciated, worthy…WORTHY. I dont feel WORTHY unless I’m DOING something for SOMEONE else and then they appreciate it.

    I’m scared I wont ever be able to be enough for myself.

    I’m scared I will always put the feeling of safety in someone elses hands. I’m so scared I wont be able to just do this for myself. Logically I know I should – but emotionally I cant seem to CATCH UP.

    He texted me in the afternoon yesterday. I waited a while to text back and then just texted that I was out running errands, and he wrote back that sounds fun….and that was it. Nothing all night.

    I’m working on trying to to give. Trying to squash that masculine energy. Trying to allow the feminine energy to grow.

    I will say that when I have felt feminine energy I love it a lot more. It makes me feel powerful and loved when he is doing things for me. When he is the one coming towards me.

    I’m rambling now, but I just needed to get all of this out. I need to find a way to make myself the space where I feel warm and secure, and reassured and nurtured and respected.

    It just feels so nice when it comes from someone else. Maybe I am addicted to that?…..

    Elsie



  284.  #284Dominique on February 18, 2013 at 5:28 am

    Elsie – 254 – First of all thank you for your lovely words. They mean a great deal to me.

    Secondly, I can SO feel what you’re dealing with. It sounds so much like me several years ago.

    I was riddled with anxiety at times, maybe a lot, and those not good enough in any way feelings, and yes, looking to K and others for validation.

    Now I can’t say that validation doesn’t still feel awesome. I think we ALL love to hear compliments and feel support. For me anyway, it never gets old, and it feel amazing each and every time.

    The difference now is that I don’t look for it. It’s much the same as giving a man space to come to you.

    Now in your situation, though I did suggest letting this go. I also said that if it’s still really bothering you in a week or so, if it’s still in there, then you need to let it out. Festering inside you is not good for YOU. It may or may not go over well, yet this is about YOU. And letting it out instead of letting it go may be what you need around this.

    I remember a tiny handful of incidents with and/or words spoken by K in the past that if I allow them to take up residence in me, they would still bother me, hurt even.

    So I take to heart my own words, that men can and do say some strange things sometimes, their own language kind of things which may hurt, yet they are not meant as we as women might take it, that men can change their minds as quickly as we, and so on.

    I (underlined and bold) need to focus on my truth which is that this man loves and adores me, cherishes me and would not intentionally hurt me.

    For you, you don’t have these memories yet to draw upon, yet you can rest assured that YOU love YOU even if it’s hard to believe sometimes. And you always have here to turn to.

    xxoo



  285.  #285Dominique on February 18, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Emerson – 262 – Have you noticed how this CD is SO different from the others you’ve been lamenting about? The quality HAS changed. 🙂 YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  286.  #286Linda on February 18, 2013 at 5:33 am

    K2010… in response to your questions.

    I met the men in my CDing rotation on POF Dating site Online. I had used the site before with little sucess.. then rewrote my profile. I struggled with it for a month really but it seemed to come together one day and Poof… things just took off. By high quality, I mean… men with good jobs, caring, gentlemen, they came to me… paid for dates. I wrote my profile with lots of input from various places but tried to speak “man eze” HA.

    At the same time, I had some major internal shifting going on inside of me. My main focus was on lining myself up to live congruent with my core values, being authenic, unzipping my heart and receiving. Also, I just decided what I wanted and how I wanted to feel and have not deviated from that for since last summer.I had had enough of what I did not want in my life which has made it easier to navigate on course to what I do want.

    —–

    April Rose… thanks so much. It feels good to read and be affirmed. My journey is still unfolding and my life feels so much better now. (hugs)



  287.  #287Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Is it normal for a grown woman to come up to a couple and ask the man with big bambi eyes if she can pet his dog?
    I am probably having a culture shock, but I found that pretty strange. I was actually smiling and had something humorous on my lips, like ‘sure, when you’re finished with the dog, keep going with the guy, saves me some work’…but I didn’t say it.
    hehehe.
    It made me think back on the time when I was chatting to a man and a woman sits down next to him and starts rubbing his crotch.
    Anything is possible here.
    😉



  288.  #288Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 6:03 am

    I still feel bad today. I feel so naive and powerless to have handled the situation the way I did. A friend told me the other day – if it mattered to you so much you should have called 10 times and make him listen.



  289.  #289CurvySiren10 on February 18, 2013 at 6:16 am

    261~~ Indigo- your message really warmed my heart this morning. I feel connected to you too. I think I see so much of myself a year & a half ago in your situation with D. The difference is that I was lost and confused during our breakup and made a lot of big mistakes, didn’t take care of myself properly etc. You are WAY ahead of the curve on this….

    You are full of grace and self-love. I absolutely adore following/watching your journey and can’t wait to find out where this ultimately goes. <3



  290.  #290Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 6:19 am

    I felt humiliated, offended, lied to and wronged when my call and a text went unanswered. It was worse than telling me he met someone else. It was like I did not matter. Our love our whole story did not matter. He wanted us erased. I let him.



  291.  #291Linda on February 18, 2013 at 6:27 am

    I hit a patch of anxiety ridden issues with FavoriteCD.

    My dog….. FavoriteCD and he are getting along VERY well. That is great no problems with any of that and he has even stepped up, helping with taking him outside, fed, etc etc.

    At his invitation, I have started bringing my dog with me, to his place when I stay over etc. Yesterday he asked me to bring him when I came for the day to see how his daughter and my dog got along. It all went wonderfully!…. except

    Sleeping At night is presenting issues… my dog has always slept with me ( 11 years) . FavoriteCD is even okay with that but with conditions that I totally agree with. (we have discussed this)…. The dog has semi tolerated being caged at night at FavoriteCD’s place. One evening he the dog was quiet and slept and I thought we had found something that would work…… but last night … it did not go well the my anxiety level about it all has reached a new high.

    My dog likes FavoriteCD so much that he would rather sleep with and be by him than me. Which does not bother me, but it disturbs him. Last night the dog was not cooperating quietly and FavoriteCD got up put him in bed with me and he went to a different bedroom. It felt bad, I felt uneasy and panic.. it triggered all kinds of stuff in me and on top of that dog quietly whined and for 2 hours to go to the room where FavoriteCD. At 1 in the morning and no rest I got up and left. It was the only thing I could do that felt like I had any control. I dont want to sleep seperately. That is not why I was there. I do want the dog to behave. FavoriteCD has been so gracious but my anxiety/fear is thru the roof here.

    I love my dog.. but am so angry with him, I have had 2 hours sleep. I feel afraid of loosing this great relationship because of him. I know that sounds irrational… but that is what I feel. FavoriteCD was not mad, just wanted to sleep, did not want me to leave when I asked at 11PM…. I just felt awful and triggered and with anxiety embarased that I can not get my dog to behave…and I just could not stay.. I had to fix the only thing I could and that was remove myself and dog from the situation.

    My dog cant be a deal breaker for me and I feel afraid about that.



  292.  #292Vi on February 18, 2013 at 6:33 am

    I feel thankful to myself for sending a big Valentine to the tiniest tight up sensation immediately once I notice it. The tool feels soothing.
    I feel thankful to myself for taking myself out for a walk in the afternoon, otherwise I wouldn’t see at the nearest nia studio a sign that mama Gena’s having as intro there and wouldn’t join the class (than kyou, Universe!). One part of me felt scared, the other one felt very curious. I feel very happy I made a choice that felt totally out of my comfort zone. Being there felt fun and inspiring and supportive.
    I feel thankful to MH for supporting my suggestion to get rid of some outdated furniture. It feels easier to breathe.
    I feel thankful to MH for cleaning the mirror in the bathroom. It feels funny.
    I feel thankful to MH for bringing me my favorite tea after work. I feel very glad and enjoy the opportunity to practice appreciation.
    I feel thankful to myself for melting into cuddling that I am getting a lot for the past few days and I feel thankful to myself for stopping obsessive thoughts that it’s not for a long time and focusing on great feeling sensations.
    I feel thankful to myself for buying myself a couple of new books. I feel expanding.
    I feel very thankful to all the men who smiled at me today and complimented or said hi to me. I felt glad to practice smiling and warmth and receiving. And the experience itself felt very fun and exciting.



  293.  #293Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Tam that reminded me of the Waterwheel Love and the Out the Window Tools. This woman is brimming over with love and passion that she took it out into the world and shared it.



  294.  #294k2012 on February 18, 2013 at 6:42 am

    287:Tam, I am cracking up.”chatting to a man and a woman sits down next to him and starts rubbing his crotch.” 286-linda, thanks for responding. I am wondering if POF dating website has any guys from the Caribbean on it. If I decide to use a dating website as an option(I had profiles with Christiancafe, christian mingle and Locateyourlove.com), it going to be guys in my country. And I want to meet them within 2 weeks as long as we are both willing to meet. Don’t anyone else who is going to tell me they don’t want to talk on the phone(overseas cd). I am also willing to meet guys in a particular country I am going to migrate too, plus go out (going to the park alone on Friday) to meet guys face to face. So that’s three options: 1.face to face from the very beginning 2. Online and then transfer to face to face within my own country and 3.online and then face to face with nationals from the country I am going to migrate to. I am back at work guys but feel a little down. I have no idea why. I am not upset about anything and trying not to let anything affect me. Overseas cd responded to me yesterday as I told u guys, Dominique I hope u see this. Haven’t heard from him this morning. I know he is on his way out. Does anyone know if Rori does coaching over the phone and what’s the cost? Dominiqueb do u do it? I am determined that I am going to the park on Friday after work, trust me. I am feeling down today and a bit irritable.



  295.  #295Rebecca on February 18, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Morning Sirens…

    Whooahh!

    I have soo lost my confidence today..

    I was just putting my online CV together and looking at all my old work and I started to have a panic attack that it all looked really amateur and I just haven’t got a clue what I’m doing…

    Grrrr….

    I wish I had more confidence… I always literally “hate” everything I do and this is no good for my self esteem…



  296.  #296Rebecca on February 18, 2013 at 6:51 am

    287@Tam

    “Is it normal for a grown woman to come up to a couple and ask the man with big bambi eyes if she can pet his dog?
    I am probably having a culture shock, but I found that pretty strange. I was actually smiling and had something humorous on my lips, like ‘sure, when you’re finished with the dog, keep going with the guy, saves me some work’…but I didn’t say it.
    hehehe.”

    Hahaha !! 🙂



  297.  #297Tam on February 18, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Linda, reading that something resonates with me.
    I think generally men can adapt to these kinds of situations much better.
    Me, on the other hand, I was brought up totally differently and although I actually grew up with dogs and love them, I could never sleep with one in my bed. I feel disgusted by the thought.
    And Curly has a lovely dog that does not sleep in his bed thankfully. But he does control pretty much what we can and can’t do – and to a certain extent that is obviously the way it is and I accept that.
    I love the dog, but there is a certain part of me that does feel it could be a deal breaker because he pays more attention to the dogs needs than mine, and quite often.
    It may be perceived, but when we plan to do something, the plans often change because suddenly the dog pops along…and all the plans turn into just a dogwalk. Yesterday we were driving with windows open on the highway, it was 50 degrees and I was so cold. he was afraid the dog might get hot (he usually has him in 81 degrees in the car so I doubted it, but didn’t say anything other than ‘I feel cold’).
    I really get that for some dog lovers, the dog is like a child. But being brought up differently, for me it is an animal and although the animal is helpless and needs our care and concern, I would always put a human’s needs before an animals needs – for me that is a basic.
    It’s a difficult subject for me to bring up with him, but I don’t want to sit in a car for an hour to go to a nice city and see some art galleries, when it turns into a dog walk because nowhere would take the dog – and he knew it. The dog would not be alone at home as he has housemates living in the house.

    Personally, it feels bad for me to have a dog plan my weekends, or how many hours of sleep I am allowed to get. I could not be with someone who would insist on his dog sleeping in the same bed with me.
    But I am sure as long as people are willing to compromise it can work.
    I have bad memories of having my ex boyfriend’s cat sitting on my face every time I wanted to go to sleep. He would say: ‘you’ll get used to it’.
    Well, I didn’t and just didn’t stay at his house anymore.



  298.  #298Linda on February 18, 2013 at 6:56 am

    FavoriteCD and I are going away this coming week end together…. out of town for my birthday, no dog, kids, family, just us. He booked our hotel last evening. I felt so excited and happy. I told him so. He told me he was too.

    I wore a cute skirt and boots yesterday. He told me I looked HOT…he said.. “When we were at church I was so happy to be walking by your side… and saying to myself… yes everybody this woman is with ME”!…. how validating and grand those words made me feel. He wore the cologne I gave him for valentines day and his mom and daughter (age 9) commented on how good he smelled. He said ” Yes.. it smells wonderful from my special Valentine…and he winked at me. How wonderful to be complimented in the presence of his family in the car as drove down the road.

    I feel love for this man. But have never uttered thos words. He has not either. I feel loved by him though through his words, actions and touch. He told me that some people just slip into your life that are supposed to be there and that he was so glad that he had met me and was looking forward to what the future will hold ….

    So after feeling so anxious about my dog and such.. I am choosing to reframe this and remember everything that is well and right. I will get the dog straightend out. I am just so tired today.



  299.  #299Tam on February 18, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Yesterday, whilst out with Curly, we actually met a guy who is a friend of Curly’s ex gf…he went out with her for 3 or 4 years. The guy is one of Curly’s best friends. So as we were eating our lunch all together, I overhear Curly saying ‘I never met anyone like Tam before, there just are no women like her’.
    I was feeling a little embarrassed because I do not really feel that way about him….and as we left, the guy was saying ‘you two should get married’. I really felt strange hearing this and tried to make a joke about it..Curly just beamed.
    Ugh.
    As we got home, he said ‘you know, it feels really odd being in a relationship, it has been so long since I had a girlfriend’. I had to remind him ‘you don’t ‘have’ me’.
    ‘I am not your girlfriend!!!’



  300.  #300Vi on February 18, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Tam we’ve got a super cute dog and are constantly asked by ladies to pet it and I remember feeling this way. ‘I am the air’ and Vote for myself tool helped so much I dont even remember when I felt insecure the last time .



  301.  #301Tam on February 18, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Vi, I just thought it was really funny, the ‘pet the dog’ thing.
    I just never saw this before, children yes, and that is so cute. Grown women…not sure, it felt a little strange. I didn’t actually mind, I was more surprised as this kind of thing would never occur to me. Again, it’s perhaps a cultural difference…



  302.  #302k2012 on February 18, 2013 at 7:18 am

    “I am not your girlfriend!!!”. I am cracking up. Tam, he is way ahead of u. Lol



  303.  #303Vi on February 18, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I feel glad to be mistaken Tam, you rock 🙂



  304.  #304Tam on February 18, 2013 at 7:25 am

    k2012..it’s kind of funny actually, because he will tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
    And I usually just say ‘yes, I know’.
    And I believe it too.
    It’s weird because I don’t normally feel that way about a man. That I can take him or leave him, and am not too fussed.
    It seems to spur them on, however…so maybe I will cultivate that now 😉



  305.  #305Heart on February 18, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Vi – what’s the Vote tool?



  306.  #306Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Just maybe if he didn’t talk to me and let me know what’s on his mind and in his heart, there is no reason I should have chased him down and tell him how much I felt for him. Why should he be informed and certain about my pain if all I get is uncertainty and humiliation?



  307.  #307Linda on February 18, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Tam.. I remember you posting about the person with the cat in the bed in your face and it was his ex-wifes cat.

    My dog… sheesh, FavoriteCD asks me to bring him with me… I have to rewrite the rules for the dog. THankfully he does NOT run my life or activities, he is in fact a dog, even though I am very attached to him. He is going to have to be retrained. I did not ever intend to have a dog as a bed partner it just happened and I was married then and things were very different in my life at that time.

    Honestly the dog does disturb my sleep at times but can fall back asleep easily. I may be a sleepy gal for a while, but think I can teach this old dog a new trick



  308.  #308Tam on February 18, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Linda..hehe..teaching an old dog new tricks…I try that constantly, with the human form 😉
    I should hope this is easier with a doggie 🙂



  309.  #309Ulii on February 18, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Wow…I´m feeling so thrilled. I just purchased all Rori’s programs with the VDay offer. Feeling really excited to start watching & listening to all of them.
    Couldn´t have done it if I just hadn’t my taxrefund returned to my account much earlier than I had expected. I feel blessed & grateful! 🙂



  310.  #310Ulii on February 18, 2013 at 8:14 am

    @ Daria

    Oh you are cute! I love your processing in the beginning of this thread… and your awareness… and your honesty 🙂



  311.  #311GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 8:27 am

    (((elsie))) (((coco)))

    I am filing as well. Though I am long overdue at 3 years separated.



  312.  #312GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 8:32 am

    There is a 90% chance I am moving in with G in a month and I want all my loose ends tied up. I am G’s one in a million and he is my rock. It has been an exciting time lately. It feels tingly and wonderful to be on the same page with him finally. To where our boundaries are equal, and alike, and we both want the same things and we are working together like a real team. His new found awareness astonishes me every day. He told me he wanted to emulate me and my acceptance of other’s feelings and he wanted to be un-affected, and supportive in the face of emotions like Iam. I told him he didn’t need to emulate me, and he could find his own way, now that he was aware…And wow. Is he ever. I am watching him catch himself and flip switch and shift like an effing pro and I feel like crying it is so beautiful. (((him)))



  313.  #313GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I feel so super stoked to be with a man so deserving of my complete trust. I feel pride, in myself for all I have accomplished emotionally and spiritually in the past 3 years, especially these past 6 months. I feel reborn a glowing woman goddess 🙂



  314.  #314GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Elsie 283

    You are SO on your way! Your words make absolute perfect sense. Your feelings will catch up with your words. Keep writing, keep processing. Commit to taking that journey for yourself. It is such a beautiful thing to feel through and experience. It gets uncomfy and unpleasant at times, and those times are the best times for learning!

    So much love coming your way!



  315.  #315Heart on February 18, 2013 at 8:53 am

    #212 – thanks Dominique…

    I



  316.  #316GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Ulii

    Yay! I feel happy and excited you did get your refund and the programs!



  317.  #317Lori on February 18, 2013 at 9:16 am

    I have heard from K very little in the last two weeks. He just texted me that he has a lot going on this morning but that he would call me when he gets a break. My stomach instantly knotted. I have no idea what he is going to say.



  318.  #318Ulii on February 18, 2013 at 9:29 am

    @ GlowStix

    🙂 Thanks!
    I feel happy & excited for you too, reading 312-313! You are a glowing woman godess, really! 🙂



  319.  #319Ulii on February 18, 2013 at 9:33 am

    @ Tam

    Hugs to you! !!I really-really want to catch up with how you´re doing lately.. Now I´m going on my run (yay for me! I had a 2 month break almost in that, just took it up again2 days ago…), hope to do it later in the evening!

    Also the rest of the stories of all lovely sirens!



  320.  #320GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 9:34 am

    (((ulii)))

    Thank you 🙂 You inspire me, so much.



  321.  #321Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 9:37 am

    GlowStix, when you found out about your ex’s infidelities did you just move out immediately?



  322.  #322Ulii on February 18, 2013 at 9:39 am

    @ Indigo @LoveAlways

    Loved your response to LoveAlways! How you imagine yourself as a desirable woman goddess laying on the bed… Sounds really wonderful way to get into your passion and by that also the man gets inspired.

    I have done somehting similar sometimes and it always has worked too. Also the concentrating on the moment and “what is” and enjoying that a lot… Like for example.. Just kissing laying on a bed and then really-really feeling it through all my body, enjoying it to the max and not thinking of anything else (wheter it turns into having sex or not)…



  323.  #323LoveAlways on February 18, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Hi Sirens:

    Thank you all soooooo much for your support, comfort and advice . . . I feel safe, cared for and understood in this space. Big loving happy hug to you all (((((SIRENS))))

    I feel so much better reading your posts. I’ve been doing some visualizing so all of your points and suggestions are thing I’m going to put into play!

    Dominique (#196) – yes, it’s those sneaky expectations that get in the way! And I did notice that exchange in energy, when he was getting a touch overwhelmed – that is why I was feeling a need to ease up. You are so on point with this 🙂 I’m going to explore this more because it feels like just the balance I’m seeking between being free with myself and my feelings.

    Femininewoman (#63) – “One of Rori’s pillars of advice is that men fall in love with us when they see us happy and pleased in their presence without depending on them to do or without it being their responsibility. I wonder if we believe that s3x is one of those things she has in mind when she says that.” This really made me think about my own s3xuality as a siren as opposed to pre-siren. It is something to meditate on because it goes deeper into the concept of my seeing sex as giving and yet getting, and in the getting, I’m very much in my boy energy sometimes. . . I need to heal this!!! Oh, and I’m going to try the suggestion of self pleasuring in his presence, I’m just going to do it with his hands instead . . . LOVE this idea 🙂

    Glowstix (#47) – Thank you for sharing this with me! I love how you embraced the image of a firecracker! I’m going to try this as well. I can own up to the fact that I am sultry & horny because of the goddess I am and stop directing it at him like a need rather than a state of being. (((((Thank you))))

    Memulo (#45) – Your self confidence is amazing and it inspires me to be that strong about my own body and s3xuality! I get the point of your sharing your experience – we have to feel our way through it and remain solid in ourselves. That made me feel better about myself in this process and not to doubt myself (((Love to you Memulo)).

    Indigo (#41) – Wow siren!!! The visualization of the Cleopatra image – it worked, it worked, it worked 🙂 🙂 (((((Thank you))))

    I’m going to be okay, sirens, I feel so much appreciation and love for you all!!

    LoveAlways



  324.  #324LoveAlways on February 18, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Ulii – I’ve experienced that too! The other night we went out on a date, and when he walked me to my door we stood there kissing good bye and i got so lost in the feeling and the moment that i forgot where i was and it didn’t matter that we were standing in front of the house – i just gave in and let the moment take over and he could feel my opening up like that. it was a hot yet tender moment



  325.  #325LoveAlways on February 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Glowstix

    that is wonderful!!! Congrats!!!!!



  326.  #326LoveAlways on February 18, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Ulii

    Congrats on getting Rori’s programs!!! They really helped me and life 16 months later is so awesome! I listen to them all still over and over and over.



  327.  #327LoveAlways on February 18, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Siren time! Going to listen to some good music, wash my hair and then meditate for a while. I’ll try to log on again later. Love and blessings to you all!

    LoveAlways



  328.  #328Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Yay LoveAlways! I’m so thrilled for you 🙂

    What I love about this visualisation is how it makes you feel about yourself, in addition to the effect it has on him. You just go from feeling uncertain and shaky and undesirable to just feeling brimming with desirableness. Yay you



  329.  #329Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

    CurvySiren 289

    I feel seen and I’m so happy you have described me this way. Sometimes you’re not sure if other people can really see you, so thank you so much 🙂

    I feel very excited about seeing where this goes too. I have more to report, which I will do shortly. X



  330.  #330GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Memulo

    No, I didn’t. He was not a cold person so…There was a lot of emotion involved for us both. He was more than genuinely sorry (I can see that looking back). After a lot of tears and arguments and discussions (weeks worth) we decided to try and work it out. Although if i’m being honest, I did not genuinely want to. I was deeply depressed, with suicidal thoughts, I felt helpless, totally alone (no one knew but my immediate family and us), the apt was in my name and I was the breadwinner. Then, I got in a car accident…Which caused abnormalities in the curvature of my cervical spine, pretty severe whiplash. He bacame the breadwinner, for a while, and I relied on him a little bit, financially. There weren’t many happy feelings, though. I was totally embittered.

    Fast forward a few months and I was getting better. I actually told him I was leaving. I couldn’t trust him anymore. This is when he broke down and cried, and begged me for another chance to win me back.

    He put in a little romantic effort for a while. When I got caught up in buying mine and my brother’s home and renovating it, he was working full time and things broke down again rather quickly. He started pretty much dating (drinks, coffees, lunches and getting rides home from) the new hostess at his work. She was 18 and I felt totally threatened by her, bitter again, and resentful of him…Full on hackles up and hissing. He admitted that he was attracted to her and wanted more than friendship. So, after another couple of months of very strained living together, I told him he had to move out, and he did.

    All in all it was 2 years. Mostly I was depressed, felt trapped and also scared of losing him at the same time. I felt not good enough for better. So the effort I put into actually removing myself from the situation was minimal, and I was easily swayed.

    I grieved for a month and started dating, immediately. Well, a month felt immediate at the time. After being with him 7.5 years, and being married, a month felt short. I believe I started moving through the process after the very first incident, so by the second one, I was more “on my journey” already.

    I tried to keep that concise, it’s a story, though lol



  331.  #331GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 10:11 am

    It’s been almost 5 years now since the wedding.



  332.  #332GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 10:14 am

    3 years almost exactly, since he first moved out.

    I left out that he moved back into my spare bedroom for some time after he lost his job. I CDd him and others during that time. We went on a date to a concert together, and when he tried aggressively to have sex with me, that was it for him. I took him out of my rotation. He walked in on me in bed (fully clothed, just chatting) with another guy when he came home one night, and rather quickly took a new gf and moved in with her (within a month). They are no longer together, now, and he has been contacting me a lot lately.



  333.  #333Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 10:30 am

    So the 6 months separation from D did not last. In fact, it was driving me crazy. Not as much being apart from him, as the uncertainty of it. However, having had those few weeks apart from him did me a world of good. When I saw him last week things were calmer between us, calm and peaceful and beautiful, like a summer tide, or autumn rain, or a warm spring wind.

    And I realised something. I went back through some of our old skype conversations, and I thought back on some (many) of his actions. And I realised that through all our (albeit brief) times of separation in the last two and a half years, and our lack of a solid “commitment” (to me) he has never strayed. He has never gone more than an arm’s reach away, he has never been with anyone else or gone on a date, or so much as made a play for anyone else (and yes I do know this, aside from the fact that he told me). And I realised, maybe for the first time really let it sink in… this guy loves me. It may not be perfect, but he does.

    And on Friday night I felt all panicky because he had a busy day at work and we were chatting briefly and he became suddenly unavailable, and he was due to go out on Friday night. And I spent the WHOLE night fretting.



  334.  #334Dominique on February 18, 2013 at 10:35 am

    K2012 – 294 – Yes I see this. 🙂 And yes I do phone and skype coaching sessions.

    http://sexandheart.com/coaching

    xxoo



  335.  #335Lori on February 18, 2013 at 10:36 am

    K2012, I’ve had sessions with Dominique. She’s awesome and I would recommend her. 🙂



  336.  #336Dominique on February 18, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Linda – 298 – I feel awe at how far you’ve come, how much you have transformed and blossomed since I’ve known you. YAY you.

    xxoo



  337.  #337Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 10:39 am

    continued…

    And then on Saturday, I was chatting to my mom. And she was telling me how, as western women, we must be so grateful that are able to self-actualise, that we have our freedom, freedom to pursue our passions, to have careers, to become educated. Freedom of so many choices. And how different it is for women in so many other cultures.

    And to really revel in and delight in that fact, and how GOOD life is, and to enjoy being a woman with so much freedom and then to really think about what a masculine man is, one whom we could really love and desire, and not to get too hung up on whether they are able to emotionally connect the way we would like them to.

    And for some reason this talk with my mom was enough to completely shift my vibe. And I really had a great day from then onwards, continually reminding myself actually of how good I have it in my life.

    And then when I saw D last night, he was not feeling well, so he went to lie down for about an hour, and I just kind of saw to myself, ordered myself dinner and was quite happy. Then he came through, and after seeing to *himself*, he came and lay next to me and took me in his arms, and then after a while together, gave me a hug and warmly kissed me goodnight.

    And yes, it all felt good and warm and like home.



  338.  #338GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I know all the clichés. Actions speak louder than words and such.

    I’ll make a radical statement here: His heart speaks way louder than his actions, or his words. His committment is in his heart.

    It’s not so hard to see either. You know, it or you don’t. The tricky part is that you have to love and trust yourself to see the TRUTH and KNOW for sure.

    You don’t have to love yourself for others to love you. All kinds of people who do not love themselves ARE loved. It’s just that you have to love yourself first to accept, and receive that love. And when you love yourself, you’ll know if it isn’t there. And that’s ok because you love you with enough TLC to move through that, and know it’s not what’s best for you.

    I know now that my ex DID love me. He just was not capable of loving ME enough for us BOTH. He could not handle that, nor do I believe he should have had to. I did then. Not anymore.



  339.  #339Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 10:44 am

    As if to drive my mom’s point home, today one of my staff members, who is a different culture, confided in me that her husband, who is now deceased, was abusive and beat her for the entire length of their twenty year marriage. And she was telling me about how she does not know how to confront people who are mean or in any way aggressive these days, she just feels shaky and avoids them.

    And I spoke to her about how much better it would feel if she could find her voice, and find the words to speak up to these people, and how much more empowered she would feel if she could learn to put up simple boundaries.

    It was a good feeling to be able to help another woman in this way



  340.  #340GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 10:44 am

    I am shifting rapidly these days and I love it! Bring it on!



  341.  #341MovingMagic on February 18, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I love coming here & reading everyones post. You ladies are amazing!! <3 <3



  342.  #342MovingMagic on February 18, 2013 at 10:47 am

    So many stories of growth, & understanding. The desire to go further within. The desire to communicate, & reach new heights. Sirens rock. 🙂



  343.  #343Radiant Rising on February 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Hello,

    Wasn’t going to post and took a break from reading the blog for awhile, but felt compelled to say a little something regarding animals.

    After working with them closely and seeing so many being abandoned for one human reason after another that always takes precedent, and being around many people who *can* communicate with these beautiful furry creatures, I guess I want to give voice and say a dog is never “just a dog” or a cat is never “just a cat.” They have feelings, and they have very deep spiritual connections that go beyond us.

    I have been very fortunate to have loved ones and guys I my life that really like my quality where if an animal or my own pet needs or wants me I *will* tend to them and it is unwavering. Even if they misbehave, I will still tend to them and give them my discipline with love. They bring/brought me tremendous loyalty and joy when I went through the worst lows of my life. I can never feel blame or anger towards them. And fortunately, it has never presented as a co fluct of interest in my love life. If anything, the men in my life end up animal lovers too and I feel grateful for that.

    It is never easy, I understand. We *all* deserve our needs to be met, human or animal and we are all a work in progress. Love to all of us, especially those of us who are trying and struggling. But for now, for my own sake I want to express my deep gratitude for animals. (((Animals))) (((Pets))) (((Doggies))) (((Kitties))) If I could take *all* of you I would. You make *my* life truly worthwhile and teach me a lot about being human.



  344.  #344ruth on February 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Yes indeed
    Reading all the posts is truly inspiring
    I just wish that I could love myself



  345.  #345MovingMagic on February 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Ruth, what isn’t to love? Perhaps starting a list of qualities you admire about yourself. The process can be shaky at first…and yet incredibly eye opening.



  346.  #346Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I miss MrP. So much. It is worse now that our friend is with him too. I miss the good times we all had together.
    I feel bad for tipping him out and yet it is the only thing I could do. I have to ignore his feeble attempts at fixing this ‘come skiing’, and my friend calling and saying ‘MrP wants to go boating’.
    I want to trust.
    I want to trust that it is not up to me to contact him now. Because if I did, I know he would be ‘back’.
    I trust that if he really wants to see me, and he really wants to fix things, he would find a way.
    Like he did before.
    And the fact that he isn’t, shows that he isn’t as interested as he would be/should be for me to actually take any notice.



  347.  #347ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Moving Magic
    It just feels like a step too far right now

    I feel stuck.I feel paralysed
    Sure, there might be loads on paper to admire
    I just dont believe it though



  348.  #348ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:11 am

    346
    Tam, you dd what you needed to do for you



  349.  #349Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I know Ruth. Or do I?
    I wonder if it is me. I feel more scared than he is possibly. He is always re-connecting, making feeble attempts, testing the waters….and I am barking at him. Because I do not know what to do anymore.
    We do not speak the same language.
    He does not talk. He does.
    He does not understand my language at all. When I said that I hardly consider is friends anymore, because we don’t do any activities….his answer is ‘come skiing’ and getting our friend to say ‘Mrp wants to go boating. tell me, do you not speak to him anymore?’.
    UUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    It’s so frustrating.
    Like he is trying to fix my house that has a roof leak, bu changing the windows.
    And it is only because I know him so well, that I can see what he is doing.
    BUT it is frustrating me.
    My windows are fine!!!!



  350.  #350April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Oh dear,

    I thought I was doing okay.

    WM has been away for a week. He is due back in two hours. We still live together and I wish we didn’t.

    I had an ‘aha’ moment today and realised that I’ve been feeling consistently weird around him for months.

    He treats me like a child or a cuddly animal. Not like a sexy woman. I feel undesired. It is chipping away at my siren confidence. I am doing all the tools, and staying warm and open. I wish I didn’rt care about his response.
    I don’t know if it’s a punishment thing, or a ‘just not into me’ thing.
    It doesn’t matter what it is (don’t want to get into his head). I feel bad and small and angry. I want to feel feminine like I have done for a whole week without him.

    I’m dreading his return.

    🙁



  351.  #351ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:27 am

    April Rose
    It seems a shame you cannot just live somewhere else
    That sounds so draining
    xxxxxxxxx



  352.  #352ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I dunno Tam, maybe time to move on and insist on no contact??



  353.  #353Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:29 am

    It’s kind of weird.
    I feel totally safe with this guy, he would die for me if he had to. Yet, we can’t communicate about ‘us’.
    Without honest communication, nothing can grow.
    It is impossible.
    So I also always feel scared and insecure and ‘less than’.
    If I had an emergency and called him right now, he would be here in 30 minutes, which is exactly the amount of time it takes him to get here. No matter what he was doing. I know that, he’s done it, even when we weren’t talking….he is there for me even at 3am. He even calls up his friends for me at ung*dly hours. He will do anything, absolutely anything to help me.
    If I called him to say ‘let’s talk’. He would not
    be seen for 6 months probably.
    Hahaha.
    It’s such a travesty.



  354.  #354Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:31 am

    352 – that’s what the plan is/was, Ruth.



  355.  #355ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Travesty sounds about right here Tam
    But also, you do need to move on



  356.  #356Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I just feel hopeless.
    And I am using another man again to numb the pain and the hopelessness..and it’s just not fair.

    But that’s what I need now, so that’s what I will do.
    And I will deal with the consequences of that when we get to it!



  357.  #357Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:34 am

    355 Ruth, I am thinking the moving on will just happen by itself eventually, every time I try it backfires.
    I am on the horse. Like I have been.
    I fall off, get back on, fall off…



  358.  #358ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:38 am

    oh Tam
    🙁

    I want to see forward progress with you
    You are a gorgeous lady who needs to just ride off to her future xxxxxxxxxx



  359.  #359Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:49 am

    hopefully my horse hasn’t ended up in some British lasagne (couldn’t resist it)



  360.  #360ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:52 am

    It may be missing a legg:)



  361.  #361Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:53 am

    doing too much horsing around really. Sigh.



  362.  #362Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:53 am

    three-legged horse? That would explain a lot!



  363.  #363Tam on February 18, 2013 at 11:58 am

    the funny thing is, Curly is the total opposite. Talker through and through.
    And cuddly, affectionate etc.
    And not afraid to show and share his feelings, very outwardly emotional.
    And really wanting a relationship with me, he can’t stop talking about it in fact.

    Isn’t it interesting how I have picked the polar opposite to MrP in character but with exactly the same interests and professions and hobbies as MrP?
    It does strike me as a hilarious coincidence really.



  364.  #364ruth on February 18, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Neighhhhhhhhh



  365.  #365Tam on February 18, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I knew you couldn’t resist Ruth!



  366.  #366April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I’m feeling sick i’m so scared of his return.

    I feel terrified. I feel stuck and helpless in this no-win situation.

    Anyone have any ideas for me to flip my mood?

    I’d like to find a reason to feel happy/optimistic about seeing him.



  367.  #367ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    April Rose
    Um, why do you need to feel happy baout seeing him if you dont
    Your feelings are your feelings
    Agree, its not a good situ, but I think I would want to make myself feel good reagardless of whether he is there or not
    Mnd you, I am hardly sorted myself



  368.  #368Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Tam & Memulo

    I think, and I have shared this before, that when we try to move on in the traditional way from a man whom our heart still misses and loves, for me it feels like a betrayal of that part of myself, and I feel like it always backfires.

    As if we can somehow shame our heart into not loving him any more. Your heart loves that man for a reason – he has things, appealing things, things which you deep down want, and I wonder whether you have really looked at this. What is it that you love and can’t seem to find elsewhere? What does he have that your soul really loves?

    For me personally, I choose not to fight it, the love that my heart feels. Even if the person is no longer in my life, even if they “seem” inappropriate. I take the love with me, I let it make me more beautiful, and I honour the part of me that loves them.

    Just some thoughts I had while reading your posts, especially yours, Tam.



  369.  #369ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    368
    I *love* that Indigo



  370.  #370CurvySiren10 on February 18, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    April Rose, your feelings remind me of the days when I still lived with my ex husband and he’d leave for a time, and take the toxicity that was our relationship with him. I felt like dancing around the house ….I was so happy, carefree, content, peaceful. With his return, that toxic cloud came back and I started to feel choked again. It’s not a good situation to live in. I’m free of it now and I cherish my own space and the toxic free environment.



  371.  #371Tam on February 18, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Indigo, exactly. I just couldn’t put that in as beautiful a paragraph as you have done.
    But, that is essentially how it is for me.
    I am kind of done with fighting it. But I am also done with trying to fix it. And it leaves me floating in some kind of weird limbo.
    But that is what it has to be right now.



  372.  #372CurvySiren10 on February 18, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Indigo, I love reading your process. I had the feeling that you and D wouldn’t stay apart for 6 months. It’s just not possible with the energy you two share. Wish I understood why he is so resistant to being in relationship with you though…it’s perplexing to me.



  373.  #373April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    thank you Indigo

    I know your post wasn’t to me directly and yet it has affected me. I will feel the love i have for him and not fight it.
    It’s the unmet desire for something from him – that’s what’s making me feel weird, angry, trapped and unfulfilled.

    The love is there. Oh my, now i am sinking into a vulnerable place…



  374.  #374April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    thank you for your replies, Ruth.

    I am freaking out a bit here. i am wondering what part of me is getting off on this situation. The part that believes that everything good turns to sh*t and that nobody really loves anybody?

    Ouch. I feel bad writing that.



  375.  #375ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    I feel all warm thinking about this
    Its okay to love even if that loved has no future
    We loved, and that is what is important
    we honour that love

    Now, how to stop pining



  376.  #376Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Ruth, thank you 🙂

    April Rose, yes a very vulnerable place indeed… maybe this is the part of you that needs to speak?



  377.  #377Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Tam, it is what it is 🙂



  378.  #378ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    April Rose

    No
    No, you dont really, *really* believe that

    It is just a truly crap situ that has you jaded
    xxxxxxxxx



  379.  #379Kandi on February 18, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    What a week it was. Not a good one either. I had been in the middle of a 2 month whirlwind romance that was chilling down. Yes I could tell. And I suppose at first I did everything badly. Then last week I found Rori’s blog and ordered the ebook. I found it at the beginning of the week and read it. I am now looking through the website and am very glad I found it.

    However. Monday I got a break up text from my guy. I texted back he couldn’t break up by text. So we talked and left it as we would take a bit of a breather and be the dreaded ‘just friends’. Tues evening we saw each other and ended up getting into a fight. Originally we had planned on going out of town and me meeting his family. I no longer wanted to go since we were just friends now and he was pretty upset. Wed we had a mushy by text make up. On Fri we had a business function we were going to attend together and on Thurs we discussed the arrangements by text. I decided I just didnt want to go and it ended amicably. He ended up not going either. We had no contact Friday. On Saturday he texted me and invited me to a hockey game for next week. I said sure. Sunday I get a whole bunch of texts with him breaking up with me again but now he doesn’t want to see me at all. I dont understand him (which at this point is probably pretty true) we arent meant for each other, etc. This is after a month or better of him telling me he loved me, meeting some of his family, him telling me I was the one, etc. etc. I am exhausted.

    I understand my own failings in all this and how I was being the male energy, etc. I want to start applying what I am learning on this website. I have successfully fought every inclination to go confront him and be a drama queen thanks to this site. I just feel he is as messed up as me.

    I would appreciate any comments on this



  380.  #380April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Ruth,

    So why don’t I make plans to leave?

    There must be a draw, something appealing, in any situation someone chooses to stay in.
    Don’t you think?

    For me, with WM, there are echos of my Dad’s attitude towards me.

    I miss my Dad. Have I made another man into a substitute?

    By the way, I really like your down-to-earth non analysing way of saying it like it is.
    Love to you. xxxxx



  381.  #381Indigo on February 18, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    CurvySiren,

    I’d kind of hoped I could go the whole 6 months. I knew it would be beneficial, but somewhere a few weeks in it became too hard, I was just too human 🙂

    And you know, I used to torture myself with that question too, until I realised that he may hardly ever say those words – although he has said them, many times, that he wishes we could be together – but his actions would speak loudly for him.

    I mean, I remember the last time, we just kind of moved closer and closer towards each other, without saying the words, until he introduced me as his girlfriend at his brother’s wedding and I asked him, does that mean we’re together now? And he looked at me as if I was mad.

    To him, his actions and mine will reveal if he wants to be with me. Somewhere in the expression of the words things get very mixed up and sometimes misunderstood, and he is not a verbal person. In fact, he does not like expressing his affection in words, although he very occasionally does.

    I have come to see that. It is the actions for him. And that is what I will watch. To be honest, trying to force the words from him seems to make him very uncomfortable and has the opposite effect.

    Weird, isn’t it?



  382.  #382Tam on February 18, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    I know this is a really strange thing to say, but what I miss predominantly with MrP is that I just feel comfy in his presence, like ‘at home’.
    Nothing really dramatically wonderful or extraordinary. I have tried to analyse myself and see what that is all about.
    He just has the ability, particularly when in a good way (and not cut down by any of his issues) to make everything ok. Somehow. He will fix things, even bad moods.
    With Curly and a lot of other guys I have dated, I just never felt safe and like I had arrived at home, always just on egde..even if ever so slightly, whether it was in the car or their houses, or out and about…I don’t know how to explain it. It never really felt right somehow.
    In MrP’s house I feel at home. hrmpf.
    And we share the same humour, just need to look at each other and we know immediately what the other person is thinking in any type of situation…like there is a definite connection. Others do pick up on it. I have had friends come up to me and ask me if I could ‘tell him something’ because they were a bit scared of his reaction (he is NOT tactile, feminine type men are scared of him) and I, apparently, have a way of talking to him that makes him stay calm and happy. He gets very angry. Also at me. I just tell him to stop being so grumpy and get over himself. And he does. Every time.
    He actually has the same effect on me. If I am stressing, he will say ‘ok, calm down, I’ll sort it out’ and I do calm down. I would probably dangle on a string over the Grand Canyon, if he said it was ok.
    I trust him 100%…just not with my heart.
    That’s the big problem.
    If I did, and I didn’t insist on a ‘title’, and stress out before we even had a chance to re-connect properly, everything might actually have worked out differently. Time and time again.
    This is a pretty huge assumption to make, but in our history, it was always me who had the final big freak out due to my insecurities, because he said something that triggered me…it is always the same.
    We get close, he says something outrageous that I take personally…and I run.

    Interesting, huh?



  383.  #383Tam on February 18, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Anyhow, I feel embarrassed now but happy I got another bit of nostalgia out of my system. Clearing it out.
    Back on the horse.
    Galloping on three legs….hehe



  384.  #384ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    April Rose
    Yeah, you must have reasons to stay outwith the practical aspects(ie, its bloody hard to uprooot and move and why should you etc)

    Thats okay
    Its all okay if you can find a way to live with it
    I guess when you cant , you will have the imperative to move
    So, I suppose for now you have to find a way of feeling comfortable with a less than ideal situation.
    Can you set some boundaries at home?
    Can you make yourself a special space where you can feel comfy?
    I am thinking out loud here



  385.  #385Tam on February 18, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    380 Indigo, I could have written that. Spooky.



  386.  #386ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Tam
    Mr P sounds like a really, really good friend
    If you could see him as that?

    Probably impossible



  387.  #387ruth on February 18, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    PSTam
    I dont think this is strange



  388.  #388Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    380 Indigo, it is not weird at all.
    In fact, it was exactly the same for me.
    We were practically a couple for months and everybody respected that, we would always sit together and so on….I met members of his family…if we met new friends they would be saying ‘how did you two meet?’ and before I would try to make something up he would say ‘on a dating website’ or something alluding to dating. He would actually push other men out of the way if they were standing too close to me, ha!
    But as soon as I was questioning him about my ‘title’, or whatever, he either stayed silent and smiled, or he freaked – depending on how it was delivered by me.
    I never understood what the ‘big problem’ was, so I would freak out 2x as much if he was being cagey.
    I cringe when I think about it now, yet I also realise that it was just not meeting my needs. And I have to honour my needs also.
    It is a fine line between respecting and understanding the other person and trusting them, and actually honouring ones own needs.



  389.  #389Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    385 Ruth, that is how I feel. He was my best friend here, which is what my devastation is really about. I have lost all that. But the problem is that we are attracted to each other. He will always make a move on me. Always, always, always…there has never been a let-up with this. I have manged to fight him off when I had a boyfriend..and actually the phase of us just being friends was a very happy one…and he really relaxed – but then got frustrated that there wasn’t a physical side to it. And I got too!!
    I am attracted to him also, but I can be just friends too. But he can’t. And I just can’t fight him off anymore, I would not be true to myself.
    It’s sooooooooo frustrating.



  390.  #390Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    At this stage it’s all or nothing.
    He knows that too.
    Hence he is staying away.
    It is what it is.
    I can’t do the ‘dance’ anymore.



  391.  #391Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    I know he is in the background, and I know he has his beady eye on me…always. And I feel safe that he would be there for me, if I was stuck and really needed someone.
    But that’s got to be it.
    He is a dormant friend.



  392.  #392Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    When a man hears “Let’s talk” he hears “you are in trouble”. The thing to do is to choose a good time to let them know something is weighing heavily on your heart and ask if he is open to hearing it.



  393.  #393Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    and there are some men that just won’t/can’t talk about certain things, even when we ‘go first’…and second and third.
    It is what it is.



  394.  #394ruth on February 18, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    sounds like it needs to be no contact Tam



  395.  #395Linda on February 18, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Dominique… thank you so much. It feels really good to read that from you. I really really does!



  396.  #396Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Ruth, yes it does…we once managed to do that for a whole 4 months. Believe it or not. So now I know that it needs to be much longer than that….



  397.  #397Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    3 actually, 3 months not 4.



  398.  #398ruth on February 18, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    you just need him out of your life tam



  399.  #399Tam on February 18, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    yes, I guess, Ruth, it would make everything a whole lot easier. That’s true.
    I wish he would co-operate.
    And I wish there weren’t a whole lot of people in between us that I will lose also.
    But yeah.



  400.  #400Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Beautiful post Radiant Rising. I feel your passion.



  401.  #401Turquoise on February 18, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Thanks Memulo. It felt like the right thing, what my gut had been telling me for a few weeks now. I know I’ll miss him, a lot… but in my quest to be open to someone who doesn’t have their life together because they way get it together, I didn’t realize how bad it feels to be on the receiving end when someone’s energy is still focused on someone else.

    It was the first time I ever felt like if I continued with the relationship, I might cheat, because my needs weren’t being met. I don’t want that.



  402.  #402April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Ruth,

    I created a lovey comfy and pretty nest in the living room whilst he was away. Before then, he was using the room as his ‘cave’ and I felt I couldn’t go near it.

    I don’t want it to go back to being his computer den.



  403.  #403Heart on February 18, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I had decided to ignore Cudg’s email but after reading this blog…I just responded with a flirty one line and brief apology fo writing back late…

    And I did it to take care of myself & protect myself against any future obsessing or wondering…
    I feel really good…like I just left the world slip of my shoulders….my insides feel warm & fluid…
    If the ball’s going to drop..let it drop im his court.



  404.  #404April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I want someone to pick me up and cuddle me like I was a baby.



  405.  #405k2012 on February 18, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    “You want future commitments to be
    his idea not something you have
    nagged him into.

    While he may be thinking about tomorrow,
    he’s not thinking about a
    lifetime commitment.” Just read this in my inbox. Well I was feeling down today. I supposed its just Monday morning blues. Seems like Overseas cd has finally disappeared. I won’t initiate conversation again. If he contacts me first again well……… Now to long term ex. I returned his call today although I sent him a text. Told me he wants to see me and he has been trying to get me. He doesn’t know that I deliberately did not answer. He wants to see me!!!!!!!! When he told me, I didn’t answer him. Said he will call later. I won’t answer. When he told me he was trying to get me, I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.



  406.  #406Turquoise on February 18, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    K2012, stay strong. Good for you!



  407.  #407k2012 on February 18, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Correction:Long time ex, not long term ex. Why out of the blue he wants me now, when he is married. When I wanted him when he was in a relationship although not committed, he didn’t want me. So why he wants me now when nothing can become of the relationship. I don’t have time to waste.



  408.  #408ruth on February 18, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    April Rose
    Ouch



  409.  #409Heart on February 18, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    April Rose – (((hug)))



  410.  #410FlowerChild77 on February 18, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    April Rose…It might not be the same situation, but I wanted to say that I’m one of those people who need quite a bit of “alone time.” To clear my energy, recharge my battery, relax, to just “be.” If I don’t have this, I get cranky, anxious and feel more and more out-of-control the longer it goes on.

    During the many years I lived with D, this was a hard thing. He liked to have the tv on all the time (and LOUD!) and I can’t read while there is music on or television–it distracts me, terribly.

    There was a lot of frustration for awhile and so I decided to make one of the spare rooms into ‘my’ room. A place I could go and shut the door…read, nap, leave whatever I was working on right where it was for next time, etc.

    This worked out very well. I still did enjoy having the house all quiet and to myself, at times, but having my own space really helped. Just a thought that maybe this could work for you—if you are wanting things to work out with this man.

    As far as him not initiating affection and/or sex—he may be picking up on your feelings of ‘territory’ or of your feelings of not wanting him there. This kind of stuff can really change how a man acts with us. (This is not about blame or finger-pointing–just sharing some of my own experiences.)

    Peace…



  411.  #411GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Don’t have to “un-love” someone to stop pining for them or let them go. I still love my ex. Not “in” love. Don’t want him. He’s not the right man for me. And spending my time arguing reality, or wishing his body encompassed some other type of man is time I could be spending opening myself to a man who does embody the qualities I need. Or, time spent sending myself love.

    Loving yourself takes time to get used to but it is not hard if you are not resistant to it. You just say it. Send it to your parts. “I love you” even if it feels like a lie, say it until it feels like the truth. And it will, after some time. If you are unwilling to even start, it just won’t happen.



  412.  #412GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    You don’t have to love yourself because of accomplishments, or in spite of flaws. You send love to yourself just because you are you, and you’re the only you you’ve got.

    Working on bettering yourself is not about loving yourself or vice versa. You love yourself as you are in any given moment. You better yourself to feel accomplished and you can feel accomplished without loving yourself and you can love yourself without feeling accomplished.



  413.  #413k2012 on February 18, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Oh I forgot. Is must FWB/casual sex he wants. He has known me for years and should know by now that I don’t have sex outside the context of a relationship as I have previously told me. Any relationship I get into a man HAS TO BE A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, nothing more. I was always like that, so even if I wasn’t a christian, I would still be like that. Yes Turquoise I hear u. I felt demotivated at work for about half of the day. It wasn’t just Monday morning blues. There was a problem at work that I had to deal with. U know sometimes when you are making effort and u are not really seeing the benefit. Was verbalizing it to another co worker and he felt the same.



  414.  #414April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Ladies,
    I feel sick. I want to throw up.
    He has come back. Demanding that I approach him and greet him.
    He says he is a man, and that it is a feminine thing to run toward a man and greet him.

    Ick



  415.  #415FlowerChild77 on February 18, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    (((April Rose))) I’m sorry. Disregard my previous post. It doesn’t sound like the same situation at all.

    All I can think of to say is:

    Trust your boundaries
    Feel your feelings
    Use your words
    Be surprised <3

    Maybe you two can come to some agreement (about being together/not being together, etc.)



  416.  #416Tam on February 18, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    April Rose, what’s the situation? You are split up, right?



  417.  #417ruth on February 18, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    April Rose
    but you arent *together* are you??

    So why would you??



  418.  #418ruth on February 18, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Glowstix
    this makes me fel awful.As though there is no thope
    Some of us do not know wher to start
    🙁

    *If you are unwilling to even start, it just won’t happen*

    Feeling sick to my core
    And really hopeless right now



  419.  #419Tam on February 18, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    (((Ruth)))
    I loved glowstix post, though it triggered me too. I love myself though I am still stuck in the ‘i want a particular man not necessarily just the relationship’ kinda thing. This is my big problem. Too picky. Or maybe I just believe in love? It used to all go fairly effortlessly and now there’s all this stuff to say, do and think. First and foremost love oneself…I get it all.
    But it all seems like a whole lot of effort. Jeepers.



  420.  #420ruth on February 18, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    yeah well fck it
    I hope you find some way through April Rose
    Cant be easy
    Take care Tam
    xx



  421.  #421Tam on February 18, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Or maybe I don’t love myself enough? Ugh



  422.  #422FlowerChild77 on February 18, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    ((((Ruth))) <3



  423.  #423Radiant Rising on February 18, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    399 – Thank you FW. 🙂

    I appreciate the comment and the love.



  424.  #424GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    (((ruth)))

    I just told you where to start….

    It just not more complicated than that.

    “I love you.”

    Say it to the mirror.

    “I love you.”

    Make disgusted faces, you’re not gonna believe it at first.

    “You can make all the gross faces you want, but I love you.”

    When you’re drinking coffee…Send yourself love.

    Spit out the coffee out if that’s your reaction.

    Say it again…

    “Oh well, i still love you even with coffee all over you.”

    That’s where I started.



  425.  #425GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Told myself to F*ck off tge first time. Told myself I was out of my f*cking mind.

    Sorry to be vulgar, but that’s literally what I said. Out loud.



  426.  #426GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Made disgusted faces because I believed I was disgusting. But I kept at it.

    I credit my cousin, who has always had the highest self confidence level of any I have met in my life. She told me she found it easy to love herself and that she dances naked in the mirror before she showers and jiggles around and touches her skin and tells herself “I love you.”.



  427.  #427April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    FlowerChild

    “Trust your boundaries
    Feel your feelings
    Use your words
    Be surprised <3"

    Thanks. I didn't see your post til now, and I was doing these things.
    I felt my boundaries strongly.
    I said I don't want to come forward unless you make it clear what you want from me. If I offer you something and it's unwanted I feel crap.
    I sat there feeling my feelings.
    He talked about his week.
    He looked at me, really looked at me for the first time in years.
    He said my smile was beautiful.



  428.  #428GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    I think the hardest part, for me, was that I experienced how it felt for someone who was trying to show me love. It feels sick inside thinking of it now, and i’m not sure how I got past that…I mean, I don’t remember. Actually, maybe I never had to get past that. Maybe that’s a huge part of the reason I kept going.



  429.  #429April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Tam and Ruth,

    Exactly. We aren’t ‘together’. Not in the sense of a real relationship – as Starla defined it – talking about a shared future, being on the same page, and in agreement about exclusivity and commitment.

    We are in a kind of ‘beginning again and taking it slowly’ in WM’s own words.

    His anger at me sitting on the couch was (I think) that he could feel my expectation. In my mind I thought he can come toward me and hug me.
    In his mind, he had been driving for seven hours with a cold, and wanted to feel greeted and that I was happy to see him.

    His angry outburst comes from old residue. He spat out something about me being in command. I replied I haven’t been in command for a long time.



  430.  #430April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    In my disbelief I kept quiet, kept my dignity, and told various parts of my body “I love you” as I had just read GlowStix’s posting.



  431.  #431April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    He excitedly talks about ‘our’ work together.

    Yet his interest in *me* is almost non-existent.

    This feels bleak, and like a hollow part in me shrivelling through lack of love and tending.



  432.  #432April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    I feel pleased with myself that I did not rise to any bait when he got angry.

    Truth is, I felt puzzled and speechless. I could not even mentally find any right stance to defend. I felt totally bewildered.



  433.  #433April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    I felt out of control and helpless and I HATE that feeling.

    Hmmm. Maybe I will try loving that feeling next time it shows up.



  434.  #434April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    It helped me soooo much that I could write something on this blog in that moment.



  435.  #435Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    RE 432 That’s how I feel about the feeling of love. Out of control and helpless. Afraid.



  436.  #436April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Really, FW?

    Tell us some more, please.
    Do you mean when you love someone or when they love you?



  437.  #437Tam on February 18, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    434 me too, I am scared of falling in love again.
    I am not scared of being loved.
    That’s ok.



  438.  #438ulii on February 18, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    @324,326 LoveAlways

    Thanks!
    You sound good! 🙂



  439.  #439April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    I enjoyed the tone of his voice. It was deep and rough when he said “I am a man”.

    Quite a shock to hear this from someone I considered to be a feminine energy man.



  440.  #440GlowStix on February 18, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    (((april rose)))



  441.  #441Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    When I fall in love. It is like I lose control of my faculties. Even when I do feelizations when I bring up a memory of feeling love and wrap my deep desire in it I feel that way. I feel certain parts of my body jerk and go into stiffness as if it is rejecting the relaxation. It is like my unconscious reaction to blocking love coming towards me so I don’t fall in love. I don’t know if I can explain so someone else can understand.



  442.  #442April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    For anyone interested in astrology –

    In the fourth house of our composite chart, WM and I have all the big guys – Pluto, Jupiter, Uranus and Mercury.

    This shows some heavy duty forces at work in the deep psychology of the relationship. The fourth house also signifies the home.
    I interpret this to mean constant movement and churning and power play and trickery – not too condusive to peace and harmony. Or relaxation.

    Now, if Venus was there…. aaaah….. sigh.



  443.  #443April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    FW, is it your deep desire to lose control?



  444.  #444April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Wow,
    Thinking about control, two different wordings come to mind-
    to lose control
    to give up control

    I want to trust and respect a man and feel secure and treasured enough to give up control (to him? to love? or simply just give it up – to the Universe)



  445.  #445ruth on February 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    ah
    I didnt know you and WM were starting again April rose,I am out of touch
    Sorry



  446.  #446Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    I want to keep in control of myself. I don’t want to feel insecure with a man.
    Those are my priorities.
    I would rather really like a good man who makes me his priority, than love someone who is ambiguous.
    That is something I learnt, and I will not allow myself to get hung up over a guy again.



  447.  #447ulii on February 18, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    (((((((((Tam)))))))))

    What would happen if you literally would go on some of the suggested meetings (the boating your common friend suggested for example)…and there (in a boat maybe, where escaping would be hard)..would just say how you really feel about things? Like you write here to us… Hm… Maybe it’s a bit crazy suggesting that… Probably it’s not a sireny way either, but still… I would crave some clearness to the situation in your place.
    Why it really didn’t work out the last time? Was it about him getting upset when you received a message from another man? Then maybe that’s the only thing you need to address then… I don’t really know. I imagine it is hard to do the no contact if there is still “so much in the air” between you two and you compare other men to him for their disadvantage.. I do no contact, but usually when I am convinced I want a certain man out of my system and when I feel better with that idea than with the idea to keep him around somehow…and when I know for sure I will be better without him than with him & also eager to meet someone who could make me happier. Mr P seems still very much on the pedestal here…from what I have been reading catching up with your posts tonight. I know I am not you, but for me I would want it “on” with him or I would want to “move on” from him completely, and that might include also moving away from the usual setting I used to relate to him. I guess I’m bit radical sometimes.

    (I liked GlowStix idea that “maybe these men are NOT THAT GREAT after all… although I don remember if she was referring to your situation, maybe not)



  448.  #448Dominique on February 18, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    April Rose – Maybe it’s not about control at all, not of him, you, or anything. Maybe it’s about choosing trust, in you, in him, and your higher self.

    xxoo



  449.  #449Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    I knew MrP would contact me today. I just knew it.
    A little message on fb. Something he thought would interest me.
    Ugh.
    Now what.
    Just ignore. 🙁



  450.  #450Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Ulii…I have been through all of that already. I feel exasperated. I honestly don’t know what to do. So I choose nothing. I choose to spend time with guys that want to see me and make plans. And try not to engage with him, I guess.



  451.  #451Annie on February 18, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    370: CurvySiren10

    “April Rose, your feelings remind me of the days when I still lived with my ex husband and he’d leave for a time, and take the toxicity that was our relationship with him. I felt like dancing around the house ….I was so happy, carefree, content, peaceful. With his return, that toxic cloud came back and I started to feel choked again. It’s not a good situation to live in. I’m free of it now and I cherish my own space and the toxic free environment.”

    Gosh I know that feeling.
    I feel calm within a minute when that energy is away from me.
    And awful within a minute when it is back. Less than a minute actually I reckon.



  452.  #452April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Ruth,

    I’m not sure what it is we may be trying to start again.
    I am not feeling great about it, whatever it is.
    I don’t feel desired, and that is a requirement for me.

    I’m going on a date on Thursday, with a man who seems to have an interest in me.



  453.  #453Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    I couldn’t ignore it because when I read it, it is about a cyclists tragic death. And I know the guy’s dad, he sold me (and my then bf) our first house!! He is a really nice guy. Oh what a tragedy.
    So yeah, I had an answer to that message, but it just came out, no motives. I am just shocked that the guy’s son died.
    Such sad news. Gonna tell my ex bf now.



  454.  #454Goddess Lily on February 18, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    ((((Tam’s three-legged horse))))



  455.  #455April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Curvysiren 370

    I completely missed your comment, until Annie reposted it.
    Yeah, dancing around an empty house feels good.

    I understand about the toxic cloud of the relationship. For me sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s not.



  456.  #456Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    (((the super nice guy who sold us our first house and is mourning the death of his son today))) and yes
    (((my three legged horse))))
    and
    (((MrP who is really digging around for stuff to get into contact with me)))
    And
    ((((meeee))))



  457.  #457April Rose on February 18, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Thanks Dominique,

    I too think that trust is a decision. I choose to trust …



  458.  #458Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks Goddess Lily, my horse says ‘hello’ 😉



  459.  #459Annie on February 18, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    404: k2012.

    “ow to long term ex. I returned his call today although I sent him a text. Told me he wants to see me and he has been trying to get me. He doesn’t know that I deliberately did not answer. He wants to see me!!!!!!!! When he told me, I didn’t answer him. Said he will call later. I won’t answer. When he told me he was trying to get me, I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.”

    This is an opportunity to speak your truth in a different way and take loving action and care of yourself.
    Heal and move forward.

    “I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.”

    What is the feeling that comes up for you re seeing him now he is married?
    You have already answered what you don’t want which is to be involved with a married man. He is unavailable for a relationship with you and not what you want.

    For me the feeling would be uncomfortable or not good to be meeting and liaising with a married man.
    So my speech would be ” I don’t feel comfortable or good about seeing or communicating one to one with an ex who is now married, so it would feel better to me to not have this kind of communication and contact now you are married.
    That is how I would feel and what I would want. And then I would delete contact details etc. Unless I felt comfortable having a friendship with both of them as a couple, which would be highly unlikely for that to be workable for all involved although that does work for some if that is what all the parties involved want.

    So What feeling/s comes up for you around this meeting him and having contact with him now he is married?
    And what do you not want and want?
    When you have processed this and know then you will be able to speak your authentic truth and take the loving action that is in your higher interest.
    Tune into and connect to this spiritual power you have inside you. It’s an you already all you have to do is tune in, listen and speak from that place.



  460.  #460Annie on February 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    *in you.

    Not in your Hairdresser or anyone else. 🙂 X



  461.  #461Vi on February 18, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Hi Heart, here is the Vote for yourself tool, it’s from Rory’s e-letters:

    What if your love life depended on a vote?

    What’s the first thing that came to your mind when I asked that question?

    Did you think about your man voting for YOU? In other words, voting for you as the woman of his dreams, the woman he wants to be with forever?

    That’s the way I always looked at it – as though I were RUNNING for the office of “girlfriend,” or “wife.”

    Looking back, it was as if I were draping myself in my credentials, showing off my skills, like “niceness,” and “understanding,” and “sexy,” and “smart,” and “funny,” and so many other things I thought he’d “love” about me – things I thought would make him fall in love with me forever.

    So, how do you really get his vote? How do you get him to fall? Well, first, you have to vote for YOURSELF.

    Okay, this sounds so obvious. You say – “Well, of COURSE I’m voting for myself!” You say “I want to be THE ONE!”

    But let’s take a closer look. Because – if you’re finding yourself thinking about him all the time, worrying about how he feels all the time, stressing about every woman he comes in contact with and speaks to – every beautiful, sexy woman he LOOKS at, even on TV – then are you REALLY voting for yourself?

    What We Women Normally Do (That Doesn’t Work)

    I think what we women do is – we’re sort of instinctively voting for the other woman, we sort of think she’s the one who should get our man (otherwise, why would we be jealous?)

    We’re sort of instinctively voting for the FAILURE of our relationship.

    It’s why everyone freaks out during an election. Everyone WANTS their candidate to win, and yet it’s this FEAR that our candidate will lose that is filling up our feelings 24 hours a day.

    We are more focused on the possibility of losing than we are on the possibility of winning. And that changes our “vibe.”

    In our relationships – when we focus on the possibility of losing, or that he’s drifting away or withdrawing – our whole sense of confidence and ease and sensuality and relaxation goes away:

    We suddenly become tense and anxious, worried and frightened, and we ANTICIPATE the worst
    We become sensitive to everything a man says or does – even if it truly has nothing at all to do with us
    We stop voting for ourselves

    BUT – we continue LOBBYING!

    If you’re not sure what a “Lobbyist” does – he or she works to influence the government of any country. It’s usually about passing a bill or an initiative or creating a plan, or a hiring or appointing of someone for a high position, or fighting AGAINST something.

    And here we are, lobbying for our relationship. Working to get our man to love us, and to give us affection, attention, and commitment. And the saddest thing in the world is – though lobbying works in government, lobbying our man will only PUSH HIM AWAY.

    So – instead of trying to WIN his vote, to INFLUENCE his vote, or to GET his vote – stop all that and simply VOTE FOR YOURSELF.

    If you can Vote For Yourself – every minute of every day, in every situation – you will create a “vibe” around yourself that will be adorable, irresistible, fool-proof and cheat-proof.

    You will no longer vote for the other woman by getting jealous or asking him for a commitment before he offers one.

    You will no longer vote for failure by focusing on failure.

    You will vote for yourself by focusing on YOU:

    On what you FEEL
    On what you WANT
    On what you want to have, to know, to be, to accomplish, to experience, to try, to feel, to love, to engage and experiment with – for YOU
    Express your power. Consider it a vote for YOU.

    Here’s A Way That You Can Vote For Yourself…

    You can stop focusing so much on HIM and what he’s doing or thinking, and instead start dating yourself.

    This means treating yourself to activities that feed your soul, like spending time with your favorite friend, or going on a long walk in a beautiful park.

    It means flirting and smiling at every man you meet, so that you can feel like the Diva that you already are, instead of wondering what HE is feeling about you.

    YOU have options. You can use every interaction with every man you run into as an opportunity to practice your “Diva skills.” This will completely change your vibe around a man and elevate your Degree of Difficulty in an instant.



  462.  #462Tam on February 18, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    It’s true, Ulii, these men are ‘not so great’. And I am looking for a ‘great man’ measured by how much he wants to be with me, as well as a host of other factors…but when I make the ‘how much he wants to be with me’ my number 1 priority because it really is the essence of it all – then the ambiguous ones don’t even feature anywhere on the ‘list’.



  463.  #463Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Tam I see those little things from Mr.P as bids for emotional connection. It is a core human need. It is your choice to make, but if I were you I would at least consider making a zero negativity pledge.



  464.  #464ulii on February 18, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    (((((((((((Tam)))))))))))

    Yes I know…I have seen you have been through it all… Although maybe not in detail, but from your words I have this impression. I guess it’s the restless me who wants to fix and have solutions and can’t stand the idea of the “limbo” too well. Sorry 🙁

    ” I make the ‘how much he wants to be with me’ my number 1 priority because it really is the essence of it all – then the ambiguous ones don’t even feature anywhere on the ‘list’.”…

    I believe this is good. As it gives more room to the great ones.

    And sorry to hear about that young man’s death… it really is tragic. 🙁



  465.  #465Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    April Rose – I was just listening to the Art of Love series and heard a new suggestion that seems profound. He suggested asking your partner “Would you be willing to ask me that in a different way? Maybe with a warm tone of voice”? I believe the attitude would need to be learning about the partner and curiosity.



  466.  #466FlowerChild77 on February 18, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    April Rose…The first thing that came to mind when you posted how he acted/what he said when he came home (talking about “our” work, etc.) was—-that there was a time when I wasn’t sure if I was in or out (with D) and I know he could feel that. He wasn’t very affectionate and, while he wouldn’t turn me down, he took opportunities to avoid sex.

    At the time it felt awful (this was shortly before I moved out) and I couldn’t really see that he was kind of protecting himself because I had started to pull away.

    Is there any hope that you could be happy with this man?



  467.  #467FlowerChild77 on February 18, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Oh…FW/464…I LOVE it. I want to remember that. Thank you <3



  468.  #468Tam on February 18, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    462 FW, I know. I do know, believe me.
    In fact. I feel shocked to realise that everything I said in my email to him, which I thought he totally ignored, he is actually logically interpreting.
    I said we don’t have meaningful communication and I don’t want any sex oriented texts…so now he sees this kind of stuff as ‘meaningful communication’.
    Of course I meant something totally different, but he has no access to what I was talking about, he lives in a logical, fixing, doing world.
    Same with the ‘we don’t do anything anymore’. Then I get the phonecall about the boating.
    He is just trying to please me and re-establish the connection. I see that now.
    But I don’t know what to do with what he has to offer. Because it feels like crumbs.
    Ugh.
    Perhaps I expected him to turn into someone else or just go away. Neither of which is going to happen.
    Jeepers!!!!



  469.  #469Elsie on February 18, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Catching up here:

    #369 – @Indigo. WOW. That totally resonated with me. So much so that my jaw dropped. What a wonderful and healthy way to look at leaving a relationship. Wow. Thats all I can say – wow.

    @April Rose – *hug* I hope things go better for you. It sounds like a stressful night.



  470.  #470Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    The same person I was listening to said “even constructive criticism” is harmful to relationships. I am reading those words to him and from here the “we don’t” and “I don’t” seems negative and critical. Maybe it is the double negative in one sentence. Maybe it is just my brain. Rori suggests “I feel, I don’t want. What do you think”? Another coach suggests never “criticize his lack of interest in spending time with you”. It strikes at the core of an area where a men needs to feel he is winning and he can experience it as disrespect. Specifically “we don’t do anything anymore” I something I would look at rewriting with how I feel. The fact he might have asked the friend to call is enough evidence that he feels unsafe in the presence of that kind of communication. Is my humble opinion.



  471.  #471Femininewoman on February 18, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    FlowerChild it helped to open my mind to understand CCarter’s harsh demand vs request. When we make requests based on what we wish to experience and allow space for the other person’s opinion, at least when the shoe is on the other foot, I feel safe and more open to being influenced.



  472.  #472Tam on February 18, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    FW… I do agree with you, except for having been through all this time and time again. I just sent him the email to express my don’t wants and explain, briefly, why I don’t want to be friends anymore (because there is no basis to it anymore, activities etc). It was factual, not so much critical, I did not blame.
    I had someone else from here read over it too. I did not write it to convince or ask for anything, just stated my truth. For some reason it made him stir, perhaps because he realised that I am kind of done.
    He is afraid of communication in general with women unless it is about, well news or something tangible. He is not a phone person, and all that explains why he got the friend roped into it – and it is a good friend of mine.
    Well, it is what it is. I am not going to jump. There is nothing to jump to, if you know what I mean.



  473.  #473Tam on February 18, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    I feel peaceful for some reason.



  474.  #474coco kisses on February 18, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    @glowsticks….I love ur energy…..@Elsie…..thank you for your kind words…it always feels good to know you r not alone



  475.  #475Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Thank you GlowStix and thanks for sharing your story.



  476.  #476Memulo on February 18, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Indigo, thank you, it felt peaceful and calming to read your post.



  477.  #477MovingMagic on February 18, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Tam, if a friend came to you with a story much like the story between you & Mr. P, what advice woyk you give your friend? One of my closest friends, who also happens to be about 20 years older than me always says “Be your own best friend.” I tend to agree with that bit of philosophy.



  478.  #478MovingMagic on February 18, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    I don’t think we can always judge a mans love for us by his actions. I do feel like we can gauge a mans emotional maturity through his actions though. That in itself – may or may not be a deal breaker.



  479.  #479Violette on February 18, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    J texted me a few days ago…I haven’t hear from him in at least a month. It was a link to something, and then a second text that said he forgot I don’t have a smart phone. I was tempted to type the link into my computer letter for letter and see what he’d sent me, but then I thought, he could have emailed me. I haven’t replied.

    I’m enjoying that he contacted me and that’s enough for now. If he wants to talk to me he can call me.



  480.  #480Violette on February 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    I met a man at a party over the weekend. We talked all night and he told someone we were talking to that we would be dating in the future. At the end of the night he asked what my last name was. I coyly asked why? He said so he could FB me. I said I never go on FB. He said then give me your number. I again coyly asked why? (I don’t like to give it out easily because it feels bad when guys don’t call). He mumbled about..if you find someone interesting people should have each other’s phone numbers. I just looked at him and let him talk. Finally he said, so I can take you to a museum and the ballet! Oh, I would so love that, here’s my number, was my reply.

    It’s my way of putting out what kind of woman I am. It felt good.



  481.  #481Violette on February 18, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    I took D to another party last night. Again, he didn’t really talk to people and seemed to be waiting for me to attend to him. He didn’t say he had a good time after, or thank me for taking him. He didn’t even say I looked nice, or ask what I’d been up to. He complained about his problems. I find him really annoying. I really do. He helped me move a couch I wanted, which was nice, but he didn’t act like he was happy to do it. I feel disconnected around him. I noticed at the party too that I had more fun talking to other people than to him. Ugh!

    And yet, somehow the sex is still so fabulous!



  482.  #482Memulo on February 19, 2013 at 2:14 am

    My cd calls me every night and asks what I am doing. Last night I was at dinner with a friend and when he texted asking if I was busy I told him that. When he called late at night his first question was – who were you at dinner with? I don’t know how to deal with this. On one hand, he calls because ‘he misses me so much’. So I can’t say anything to that. On the other, it’s his way of controlling me. Any advice?



  483.  #483Memulo on February 19, 2013 at 2:20 am

    Another thing- I said that my friend is selling her apartment. He said – let’s buy it together and move in! Is he controlling my finances now? Is he relying on me financially? Or planning to? I never said I wanted to buy a place. I never said I wanted to move in with him.



  484.  #484Daria on February 19, 2013 at 2:24 am

    Memulo – yes i would get into myself about how im being triggered to feel guilt etc

    and tweaking and healing within myself the pattern that generates the perception that he’s intending to – and able to – control me

    then i would prepare in the moment to be triggered again and have my FM ready:

    “im feeling uncomfortable… i feel a bit … scrutinized… kinda under pressure… ”

    “and its not your fault, im feeling triggered… and it feels kinda weird… is there something i should know?/what do you think about this?”



  485.  #485Daria on February 19, 2013 at 2:25 am

    “i dont want to feel that way with you… i feel so good feeling safe and cared for with you… what do you think we can do about this?”



  486.  #486Memulo on February 19, 2013 at 2:25 am

    At the same time he is waiting for results of his job interview;)) so he is in a full control of the situation! He occupies all my weekends, he controls my every move and at the same time works on his other options. I need to CD more but it’s hard to find the time;(



  487.  #487Daria on February 19, 2013 at 2:28 am

    Memulo – “lets buy it together”

    i’d adopt the perspective that he’s just showing he likes me by future talking

    i am not used to receiving love and being adored and having a man actually Lead relationship Forward and this triggers me

    and thats totally ok

    AND I AM TOTALLY FREE AND HONORED AND SACRED AND PURE while im enjoying this attention and making absolutely no committment until *I* feel GOOD



  488.  #488Memulo on February 19, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Thanks Daria. You think one day I should not pick up the phone?



  489.  #489Memulo on February 19, 2013 at 2:33 am

    Daria, I’m fine with future talking. But it can be done differently. One option is the way he did it. The other option – I will buy a place and if I’m lucky you agree to live there with me.
    ;))