Valentine’s Day Means Love Yourself

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Here’s my favorite Valentine’s Day post, and let’s do it together – I’ll love me and you love you, and we’ll not have expectations or ideas about the MEANING of this “occasion.”  No man enters into this.  It’s just between me and me and you and you, and let’s see how that works!

Okay – Valentine’s Day can thrill us or torture us.  We can pretend we don’t care, or we can go into a funk, or we can enjoy what we have if we’re in a relationship or have a good date, or we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US.

We can make it a spa day or a manicure day, or a lunch with ourselves day, or a lunch or movie with our girlfriend’s day, or a sit home with a book, or a sit in a park day…and the amazing thing is — it’s really not all that big a deal anymore.

The Symbolism Of The Whole Thing Is About Expectations

What do you expect, that Valentine’s Day can make you feel fulfilled or make you feel like you’ve lost something?

If this is about “forever after” for you and you’re not there – well, the expectations put you in a state of “lack.”

If this is about “right now” – the expectations put you in a state of “action” – “let’s get this thing happening!” comes into your vibe, along with anxiety for having to make it happen.

If this is about “someday” – the expectations put you in a state of “wish” or “dream” – and that can feel good or plain neutral, unless you start comparing the dream to “reality” and fall back to “lack.”

So – what would I like to suggest?

How About We Go Smack For “What Is”?

That means – whatever you’ve got going today – don’t make a decision about if it’s good or bad, and don’t judge it in advance.

If you’re feeling wistful or dreadful, or anxious, or upset, or lonely, or angry about such a stupid holiday, or anything that doesn’t feel good to you, send a Valentine to it.

If you’re feeling upbeat and hopeful, and beautiful (you are beautiful, yes you are…), and happy with the day outside your window, and good with what you want and can do for yourself to have good feelings today – that’s your Valentine, and send it to ALL of you – head to toe – sort of as beauty oil to all parts of you for the next moment and the next.

Let’s make Valentine’s Day about loving how you feel – no matter WHAT that is.

You can actually GIVE YOURSELF a Valentine – buy it, or make it out of paper and markers and whatever you’ve got if arts-and-crafts please you. And when you do it…make sure you love what IS about where you’re at..and just ladle that love on.

I’m going to give a bunch of Valentine’s to me today…here’s one to my Nasty Voice: “I know that even though the sun is shining so beautifully and I feel so lucky with everything in my life, there are little rough patches inside me now that feel scratchy and I can feel you, Nasty Voice, jumping on those and trying to worry me and speed me up…and…well…that’s okay. Happy Valentines, Love, Rori.”

Or…”I see me in the mirror, and, yeah, we look a bit tired, yeah…I can feel how disappointing that is inside, it’s kind of sitting on you, chest…oh…I’m going off now into ignoring this wrinkle…well…I’ll just slather on some love, here, and let’s go put some oil on you…and…Happy Valentine’s…we’re all still here…I love you, as ever…Rori.”

So – I’m sort of writing Valentines from Rori to Rori…

If you like this…go ahead and write some Valentines from you to you, and put them out here for us all to revel in and copy…

And Here’s My Valentine For You…

No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what’s happening, or who out there looks like he loves you and who looks like he doesn’t – it’s all a matter of opinion.

My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.

All you have to do to make it real for you is to see it and receive it.

We pitch love, you catch it.

It might not look like the expectations you’ve been advertised, but it’s love all the same.  It’s a message of love.

Don’t try to decode it.

If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.

Inside YOU – it’s always moving around, always surprising.

The way we get stuck in a gear of “lack” or “anxious” is to lean on the same messages over and over and over that give us the same feelings over and over and over.

Strike out new today. Send a Valentine to what isn’t perfect.  To what doesn’t even feel good inside you.

Send a message to yourself that you’re up for an upgrade, one word of love from you to you at a time.

The important thing is to take in love – wherever you catch it – from words, from the air, from your own heart, from objects and animals, from trees, from the spa technician, from the water at the pool and water in your drinking glass.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Thank you Rori…You know I love you right? Cause I really do…:)

    Happy Valentine 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  2.  #2JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 7:29 am

    I need help.

    I feel the anxiety coming on already. Not only is today Valentines Day, but it is also my birthday. I’m 44 today.

    I have a younger BF. We’ve been in a relationship for 8 months. He told me that he used to send flowers to a gf in a long term relationship. Another girlfriend, he blasted to the world on MySpace that he was SO in love with and he was hurt that she had left him. He told me 2 months into the relationship that he had loved a woman that didn’t want anything to do with him.

    I have a feeling I won’t be receiving a gift today, or flowers, or an I Love You. He sent a text this morning “happy bday”.

    Isn’t it natural for a man want to give to a woman? The last time he told me he loved me with about 2 months ago when we went away for the evening.

    I know I have expectations but only because I know of how he has treated other girls in the past. Is this wrong? I’m feeling anxiety this morning. I have a feeling I might get angry and end it.

    Am I wrong?

  3.  #3Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 7:40 am

    I had an early Valentine celebration, a date with myself yesterday…It felt wonderful…the lunch felt delightful (Seafood linguine with a crisp Chardonnay)…The restaurant was packed with couples…even at lunch…but for some reason, I felt Okay…content…I enjoyed observing romance, kindness, …The ambiance felt warm…and the cozy fireplace felt inviting…:) I felt eyes watching me as in “curious” for being alone maybe? I smiled…the whole time…to people and to myself…

    After lunch, I went for one of my favorite walks…downtown PDX…The air felt crisp, yet so refreshing…people looked busy and somehow colorful…

    I walked by several jewelery stores…Couples and men alone were choosing a piece of jewelery…I felt tearful…mixed feelings…joy and excitment for the woman who was about to receive a beautiful gift…and sadness for myself…but I continued to walk and smile…take deep breaths in…watching people watching me…i looked at them…we exchanges smiles…It felt soooo good…I had a strong desire to hug them…

    At Nordstrom, I purchased some of my favorite facial products…I felt welcomed by the beauticians and staff…we chatted…exchanged compliments…I left the store with several parfum samples and new facial products…hmm…so generous…I felt like a Queen even if just for a couple of hours…:)

    My son returned from his visit with his dad…He was happy as always…We baked some awesome cupcakes (William Sanoma recipes)and enjoyed them with some ginger tea while cozing up with the cat and watching the Grammy…

    Last nite though, I felt lonely…I gave myself a hug, a few tears…and a bunch of hope…

    Warm hugs,

  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Hello world. Happy Valentine’s Day.


  5.  #5Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 8:08 am

    RE JenniferW Happy Birthday to you first off all. Try to do something that you enjoy and pamper yourself.

  6.  #6Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Jennifer it is not about right and wrong. This is what he chose to do and it is up to you to accept or not IMHO. Does he know you like receiving gifts on V day? If he feels you expect him to give you one is a recipe for him to give you. Human nature is if you are the convincer, he will be the resistor. Focus on what he did right, he remember your birthday many guys don’t. Also if you blow up on him about this he will remember it as you indicating to him how you will be in the future if he gets things wrong. You can choose to end the relationship but how will you feel after you do? Will you want to crawl back to him and beg him to come back? Why also is he talking to you about other women? Does that feel good to you?

  7.  #7Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 8:16 am


    RE: #2: Happy Birthday!

    What all is going on in your relationship? From what I heard, I don’t hear anything worthy of ending a relationship. Is there more going on that makes you want to end it? Are you circular dating?

  8.  #8Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 8:20 am


    What a fantastic Valentine’s post! I needed that for some of the sad parts of me, and you give me fresh hope for the excited, anticipating parts of me!

    I have a new CD as of last night! So far, so good! He lives about 45 – 60 min from me. He sounds like a gentleman, and he rescues dogs! I gave him my number, and I feel hopeful that he will date me tonight! That would feel really good! I will call him Rainy.

    And I have a date scheduled for this Friday with RRMM.

    I look forward to collecting some Vitamin D outside today. I feel happy for some sun and at least a little warmth.

  9.  #9Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Great post! But I have to say, I can’t stand Valentine’s Day as a concept.

    I feel resistant, I feel bored, I feel annoyed, I feel yick.

    I feel pissed and anti-conformist.

    I feel annoyed with all the expectations of v-day.

    It’s just one day.

    Although, I do see the possibilities for sweetness too.

    It’s just that holidays in general trigger me. Why do we put so much focus on one day? I feel weird doing that.

    Anyway, I’m just sayin.

    LI knows how I feel about this. He suggested that we go to our favorite breakfast place to celebrate because we have band practice tonight and will be tied up all evening.

    I feel good doing something simple.

    I guess my main trigger is the expectations that come with V-day. Why do we do that to ourselves?

  10.  #10Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Using V-day as an excuse to love ourselves up. Yes, I can get behind that.

    But all the red and hearts and roses. Blah!

    Although, as I typed roses, I did feel a little excitement about getting flowers. I love getting flowers any day of the week.

    Mmmm, maybe I’ll buy myself some flowers today. Or maybe tomorrow. Yes! The idea of flowers makes me happy.

    I feel understanding of some guys aversion to v-day. I kinda feel the same way. I just pretty much want to avoid it all…well, except the flowers.

  11.  #11Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 8:49 am

    This is a self love letter written by Christine Arylo, author of Loving Me Before We:


    I believe that each of us wants to be deeply loved, and that without that love, we will never find the happiness we crave. No matter how much money you make, how beautiful your body or how many accolades you acquire, at the core of who you are, you desire to be deeply loved.

    And yet, how many of us would be willing to stand up and admit to the world this deepest of deep desires? Would you? Of course you might express that you would really like a loving relationship, that your family is important to you, or even that you’d like to take better care of yourself.

    But would you peel back the curtain that protects your delicate soul to reveal that inside is the most innocent and pure heart, one who craves to be seen by another so deeply that you could almost feel that person witnessing your soul? Would you show us the holes of loneliness that sometimes surface on that same heart when your soul feels unseen, unheard, un-understood?

    I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

    The loneliest times of my life have been in relationship – be it with a parent, a friend or a romantic partner – in which I called out to be seen, when I reached out for unconditional love, and neither was returned.

    After 30 years of trying to find that deep love from the people around me whom I loved, I was gifted with a profound realization, one that I have since come to understand is the secret to everything in life. When we live by it, the happiness and love we seek is ever present. When we don’t, we will find ourselves forever seeking out happiness and love, in vain.

    The secret is this:
    The deep love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you.

    Every person on this planet, including you, desires to be deeply loved. At the core of your soul, your spirit requires that in this lifetime you seek out and find unconditional and pure love. The reason most of us spend our lives searching without ever really finding it, is not because this precious love doesn’t exist, or even that it is rare. You’ve been taught to look in the wrong places – outside of you – when the truth is that the love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you.

    It is your right to fall so deeply in love with yourself that you only invite that same kind of unconditional love into your life. It is your quest in this lifetime to get to know who you truly are in your soul, beyond all the surface and societal muck that covers up your beautiful spirit. It is your gift to learn to accept the person you are today, right now in this moment and love him or her, all of you. And it is your duty to free yourself to fully express every piece of you without apology, so brightly that it lights every heart it touches like a firefly, including yours.

    That is self-love. Being. Loving. Living. You.

    When you can do this, you not only receive the extraordinary ability to feel the greatest of love, but you also gain the ability to give that same deep love back, giving others the gift of witnessing and loving their beautiful souls.

    My wish for you is that today, you start and/or deepen your journey of falling madly in love with the powerful, beautiful and free being you are, just because you are you!

  12.  #12Ella on February 14, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Jennifer W

    I think you could have a conversation with your b,friend and tell him how you feel about it all.

    Don’t try and figure it out… don’t try and work out of you are right or wrong, or if he is right or wrong with his actions.

    Just say how you feel.

    Tell him you have observed how he was about the other girls and it is important to you to feel cherished and receive gifts.

    If you can do it in a non blaming way he will have a chance to fix it.

  13.  #13Ella on February 14, 2011 at 8:58 am


    Please help me too.

    Just recieved text from Mr B… he really hopes I am feeling better and he really, really wants to see me asap…

    I just feel split and de-energised.

    I am feeling so tired of the whole thing as it is and I don’t even really know what I want from him…

    Put another way, I am not at all sure what he is offering is what I want.

    I feel mixed up about how to deal with this. Wether to put an end to it somehow, let it fizzle out or continue to stay open to him whilst CD-ing.

    I feel totally underwhelmed by his lack of effort in bringing me stuff while I have been sick and it terms of Valentines Day… so far not even akcnowledged.

    I feel tired of explaining what I need.

    What shall I do?

    His text came in a few hours ago..


  14.  #14Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 8:58 am

    @2: JenniferW says:

    “…I have a feeling I won’t be receiving a gift today, or flowers, or an I Love You. He sent a text this morning “happy bday…”

    Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine’s Day. How wonderful to have your birthday on Valentine’s Day!

    Enjoy your day, doubly! Don’t wait on a man to give you things. Go get some birthday gifts for youself, Valentine’s Day gifts too. And fresh flowers. Not only buy yourself some treats, have them gift wrapped. Get yourself one of those ostentatious decorated cupcakes and put a candle in it, Enjoy.

    Play some music, dance around. Invite some friends over. But even if you are by yourself, love every minute of it. Plenty of time to have gifts from a man,,,maybe another man, why not? There are a lot of men out there.

    Take a ch-ch-ch-chance! LOL 😆
    The Beatles – “Happy Birthday”



  15.  #15Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I feel concerned. I feel concerned that some sirens here are placing lots of expectations on how their man should act on v-day. I feel worried. I don’t want to see them hurt. Expectations are the opposite of “being surprised” IMO.

    That’s not to say we shouldn’t have standard for how we want to be treated, I just feel concerned about putting so much emphasis on one day. Valentines has a different meaning for everyone. I say stuff it all and just have fun.

    That’s my plan anyway.

  16.  #16Ella on February 14, 2011 at 9:00 am

    I know expectations aren’t good, and I reckon I am still feeling really angry with him from what has gone b4, so I am expecting him to make extra effort…

    which he is not doing in the way I think he should….

  17.  #17Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 9:02 am

    I am struggling with letting go on Valentine’s day. I told myself that if P doesn’t contact me today, then I will know that it is really over. At the same time, I know that he got engaged on Valentine’s day last year and is still grieving a broken heart. He will never ‘see’ me until he does the work of grieving…this causes me to grieve as well. It hurts to love and not be loved in return.

    I am loving and honoring my sadness.
    I am loving myself today.
    I am releasing P to God and to the universe…may he find healing.

    I have a phone call with a new CD tonight…just going to be present with him and have no expectations.

    Breathing, breathing, breathing….and taking a nap.

    Hoping all you sirens have a day filled with love, no matter your circumstances. Love is a state of being in the world. Love everyone who crosses your path and collect hugs from handsome strangers. 😉

    <3 Pam

  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 9:09 am


    I admire your loving spirit. The man who wins you will be very fortunate.


  19.  #19Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 9:11 am

    I really do love the idea of treating ourselves amazing today and take ALL the expectation off men, just for today.

    I’m imagining myself treating myself sooooo well for v-day and a man is asking me out and I say, ” you know what, I’m letting you off the hook today. I know I have a lot of conditioning and expectations around v-day and so I’m going to press the pause button for today. If you want to do something special any other day, I’d love it but today is about loving me and I’m letting you off the hook”

    ok, maybe I wouldn’t say exactly that…but something along those lines.

  20.  #20Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Urg. I know we are supposed to try to love ourselves. Trying….my kids love me, and my cats…does that count??? reposting from previous thread because I can and I want to get my “urg” out….

    I feel lonely and malcontent (discontent?) on this Valentine’s Day.

    I fear that I am destined to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat wee.

    Dating sucks right now. None of my previous CDs has amounted to much. One even called me yesterday to admit he slept with and IS STILL IN LOVE WITH his ex-girlfriend. He wanted me to be happy for him. I tried. To no avail. I was polite though.

    There are five new potential CDs now though. Three of whom are named some variation of “Sean.” Should be interesting. I’ve always struggled dating more than one man and having one call and say, “Hi, it’s me.” Now when one calls and says, “Hi, it’s Sean/Shawn/Shaun,” I can be triple confused and just play it cool until he gives me a clue as to which one he is.

    I needed to make myself laugh on this darkest of Hallmark holidays. I guess it’s better than last year, when then-boyfriend gave me a colander for Valentine’s Day. Thanks for indulging me, Sirens.

    Happy Valentine’s day, my lovelies!

  21.  #21Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 9:13 am

    RE 11 Brenda thanks for sharing that it was beautiful.

  22.  #22Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 9:17 am

    RE LG 19 I am so with you on that.

  23.  #23Ella on February 14, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I am having a nice Valentines Day with myself though.

    Watching Modern Siren and just had chicken soup and my mum will be back soon.

    We are going to get a nice take away and hopefully something really tasty will be easier to eat.

    It is peaceful and quiet today.

    Which feels nice.


  24.  #24Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I got myself a Valentine’s Day gift! It’s a DVD to workout doing “Sizzling Salsa”! Then a couple days later, I was in a different store, and I saw the same DVD packaged with a second DVD, “Dance It Off Ballroom: Samba, Cha Cha, & Jive Your Way to a Dancer’s Body!”…and the two together were the same price as the one! So I bought that and returned the first one!

    No man or lack thereof is going to make me go on endlessly depriving myself of thriving and enjoying life! I already took my Mom out for Valentine’s, and I’m going out again Wednesday to celebrate Valentine’s with another friend who isn’t too close to her husband. So I’m focusing on making it happy for my Mom and my friend, AND me.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  25.  #25Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 9:21 am

    RE 30 Boomer please remember our thoughts affect our emotions. You have the opportunity to make up a story so I believe in making up a great one. I woke up this morning feeling happy and looking forward to some surprises today. Have gotten one thus far; a girlfriend from elementary school days contacted me with her telephone number. An ex from 20 years ago who is now long distance and resurfaced over the last 3 weeks called just now suggesting I take off the rest of the afternoon and we go for lunch. When I said we don’t need the whole afternoon for lunch he says I will not be returning to work. It’s his imaginary relationship but I am playing along with him because it is long distance and he shows me what to expect in a relationship.

  26.  #26Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 9:21 am


    Each to his own. I don’t want a Low Expectations Man; I want a Great Expectations Man. 😀


  27.  #27Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Happy V day all you beautiful sirens. Love me, love you!

    The rose is red, the violet’s blue
    The honey’s sweet, and so are you
    Thou are my love and I am thine
    I drew thee to my Valentine
    The lot was cast and then I drew
    And Fortune said it shou’d be you.

    from a collection of English nursery rhymes


  28.  #28JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 9:23 am

    The only reason I’m having expectations is because I see the way he was with his past girlfriends and someone he was “in love” with that didn’t want him, in the beginning of our relationship. When I met him he was on the rebound (which I didn’t know about otherwise I never would have dated him) and he was still in love with his girlfriend that had dumped him. That was the one that he had blasted to the world and all over myspace that “I love my baby”, “I still love you”, and “I’ve never felt this way before”. We have fought and we have broken up several times but our bond is very strong now.

    I only circular date myself and my grown teenage children. If I started circular dating another man 8 months into our relationship, he would leave, as I would expect him to. We are crazy passionate about each other. I see him about once a week and I can’t take my hands off of him and he can’t take his hands off of me when we are together. I do lean back, I let him text me first, call first, come to me first. I’ve only been reading Rori’s fabulous techniques for about one two months now and has taught me a lot.

    I love that I have people here I can talk to because it makes me feel better to write my feelings and thoughts out and get feedback.

    He doesn’t talk about his past girlfriends or compare me to them. For Christmas he gave me a lovely Valentines-Day-like card that said I am the only one to ever have his heart. Why am I so anxious today then? Because I feel that maybe he doesn’t love me as much as the others because of gifts and I love yous.

    Does anyone else have a man in their life that rarely says I love you or doesn’t give you gifts?

    I love you all and Happy Valentines Day.

  29.  #29Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 9:23 am


    RE: #20 – You said, “I fear that I am destined to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat wee.”

    LOLOL! You sure have a way of putting zany humor into a statement of gloom and doom! Love it!

  30.  #30Lori on February 14, 2011 at 9:24 am


    LOL @ “tang of cat wee”! I’ve figured out a way around the cat wee issue. I figure I can just hang up pictures of lots of cats everywhere and pretend they’re real. That way I can fully adopt the crazy cat lady persona (possibly even a bit crazier than the average cat lady since my cats will only be pretend cats) and not have to worry about the wee smell issue….

  31.  #31Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

    On this day several years back a friend of mine who was married got a big V-day surprise. Her husband was arrested for soliciting a prostitute! Happy Valentine’s Day baby! Wow……and yes, she divorced his lame a**.

    Today she is remarried to a wonderful man who treats her very well.

    Moral of story-we go through stuff, we heal, we learn and life gets better. Yeah!!!!

  32.  #32Lori on February 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Laughing Goddes


    I love that attitude!!!!!

  33.  #33Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

    “I love my baby”, “I still love you”, and “I’ve never felt this way before”.

    “For Christmas he gave me a lovely Valentines-Day-like card that said I am the only one to ever have his heart. ”

    JenniferW the above two statements seem to be very similar to me and he said it about 2 different people. It might be a pattern for him. I am wondering if he is a serial monogamist who has to be in a relationship? I am also wondering if he is co-dependent and need someone else to make him feel good about himself?

    Many guys hardly say I love you. Some want you to believe them when they say it once. I would encourage you to keep the focus on being a fun person so he can’t help himself but to say it.

  34.  #34Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 9:32 am


    Men are different just like we women. Some show love in many other ways through actions, acts of service, spending time with you, etc.

    My own personal top two love languages are physical touch and acts of service I could give a rat’s tooey about saying a lot of “I love yous” or giving gifts.

    Maybe he just has his own way to show love. Some men are extremely shy about verbalizing this, but it does not mean he doesn’t feel it inside. You just have to watch for the signs.

    Maybe to feel loved YOU need the verbal confirmations and the gifts. My mother was this way, a big gifter-drove me nuts because I always felt obligated to return a gift and I never wanted to-just seemed so trite to me.

    There is a book called the Five Languages of Love that has been mentioned on here before. It’s good info on this topic.

    Be blessed. xxoo

  35.  #35Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

    @24: Brenda says:

    “…No man or lack thereof is going to make me go on endlessly depriving myself of thriving and enjoying life!…”

    Go, Brenda. That’s the way to do it.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!


  36.  #36Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Summerbaby wrote in the last thread:

    “Why is our first instinct when things do not go well to beat ourselves up?”

    Thank the media for that. Every tv show, every magazine, everything we see every day is all about us not being “good enough”. They play on our inner insecurities to sell us stuff, and it works.

    We are not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not fashionable enough, not talented enough, not sweet enough, not bitchy enough, not smart enough, not spiritual enough, nothing we do is acceptable, so we need all their make-up, clothes, diet plans, new widget, new seminar, new religion, etc etc ad infinitum. STOP!!!!!

    Today on this day I am perfect just the way I am.
    So be it, and thank you universe. I am always good enough.

  37.  #37Ella on February 14, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Ladies please help me out with this one…

    tweaks welcome.

    Here is the reply I am thnking of sending Mr B:

    Hi Mr B,
    I still feel ill.
    To be honest I feel a little disappointed today.
    It would have felt so good to recieve stuff on Valentines day, like gifts and card, as it is a chance to show with actions what has been said with words. Also wanted to feel loved by receiving stuff like soup and icecream while I was sick.
    I feel de-energized.
    Our expectatations of love seem very different.
    I am feeling very disconnected.

    Sirens what do you think pls?

  38.  #38Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 9:48 am

    @34: Turtle Girl says:
    “…There is a book called the Five Languages of Love that has been mentioned on here before…”

    TG, I don’t know what the five choices are but I suspect I would want them all… 😀


  39.  #39Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 9:50 am

    RE 38 It is “The 5 Love Languages”. They are
    Physical Touch
    Words of Affirmation
    Acts of Service
    Quality Time

    The author suggests that each person has two as their primary or default choices. We have to learn our partners and give that to them as we tend to give what we want.

  40.  #40JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 9:59 am

    “The Heart of the Five Love Languages”….is that the book I should be looking for?

  41.  #41Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Ella: Sending lots of healing vibes to you! I hope the take out is yummy.

    Can I offer some feedback around b-man?

    Hmmmm, I’m feeling challenged about how to express what I want to say.

    I’m wondering about what it is exactly that you want from him. What would make you feel good? Is your boundary that you want him to completely stop the substance? Do you want him to make more of an effort to see you?

    I guess I feel a little unclear as to what would make you happy. I hear you say he is making an effort but it is not enough.

    I feel a little muddled in my communication, like I can’t find the exact words to express what I want to communicate.

    Does any of it resonate?

  42.  #42Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    @37: Ella

    Since you asked…

    I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about this man. IMHO, I would concentrate on myself. I predict in three months he will be right where he is today; I admit I don’t know exactly where that is but it also means you will not have lost something, he’ll still be around. Maybe he’ll on the healing road but IMHO that’s his business.

    IMHO, he already knows what he promised you, IMHO, I’d let him be a man and figure out how to do it, how to get you soup, ice cream, a Valentine, a flower, some music or whatever else he wants you to have.

    IMHO, ACTIONS speak louder than words and words and actions should match.

    “…Hi Mr B,
    I still feel ill. I am recovering my strength and I will have to talk with you later.

    And then IMHO work on recovering your strengh (and CD). IMHO, you’ve already told him enough what you want, let him figure out how (or if) to do it.

    IMHO, “Later” is whenever you did decide, IMHO I would use the word “later” and not say when. I would decide whether or not “later” ever arrives but it would not come before I saw some action.



  43.  #43tinque on February 14, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Happy Birthday JenniferW!!!!


  44.  #44Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Ella: I just saw your potential text and I like it.

    My only concern is, do you want this kind of treatment every day or just v-day? If it’s every day, which I’m guessing it is, then I wouldn’t make a big deal about v-day.

    I don’t want to encourage my guy to make big proclamations of love one day a year. I want it every day!

  45.  #45Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:07 am


    RE: #37 – The day is yet young…what if Mr. B is planning a big surprise for later and you send that? In any case, I would hold off until tomorrow, and I would hold off until he contacts you, altho that may go without saying.

  46.  #46kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 10:08 am

    My V Day gift to me is going to the chiropractor, using my Clarisonic skin brush when I wash my face, eating all raw vegan, and hitting the gym.

    I just posted the cynical lyrics to Suicidal Tendencies’ “I Won’t Fall In Love Today” as my FB status update. Looks like my ex (?) dude was online same time and perhaps saw it? Then I quickly erased it. I hope he didn’t see it. Him thinking I’m lamenting over him isn’t going to re-build attraction.

    I hope he has a shitty Valentine’s Day and an entire shitty week.

  47.  #47Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:08 am


    RE: #38 – ““…There is a book called the Five Languages of Love that has been mentioned on here before…”

    TG, I don’t know what the five choices are but I suspect I would want them all… ”

    I want them all and a bag of chips!

  48.  #48tinque on February 14, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I’m sorry Ella, but this sounds accusatory, like whatever he does isn’t good enough.

    May I tweak please?

    Hi Mr B,
    I still feel ill.
    I feel sad today. I feel a void inside.
    I feel de-energized.
    I am feeling very disconnected.


  49.  #49kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 10:10 am

    And happy b-day, JenW!

  50.  #50Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:10 am


    You said he wants to see you ASAP…What are u doing with this message u are trying to send???

    It seems to me u are making negative assumptions…as if he is not going to give u a present…u message feels gloomy…:(

    If I felt unsure/moody about my vibe today, I would answer would say thank you…but i am not feeling well right now…would love to see you some other time…

    or try to work some techniques to boost up my vibe for an hr or so…and see how i feel…then i respond…

    What do u think?

    Warm hugs,

  51.  #51Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:11 am


    I’m trying to stay away from expectations and stick with being surprised every day. 🙂

  52.  #52Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:12 am


    I love your suggestion to Ella 🙂 It feels so right 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  53.  #53Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:12 am


    I’m glad you are treating yourself well on Valentine’s Day!

    Talk to us! How are you feeling today?

  54.  #54JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I’m feeling the love. 🙂

    Thanks for the birthday wishes. You all are awesome.

  55.  #55Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

    I’m going to wear my new sexy undies tonight (thanks SLV!) And I have a date. Sweetness!

    P.S. Dorothea, here’s my preemptive strike – you can kiss my grits. 😉

  56.  #56Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:16 am

    SLV #18

    I feel very happy and tearful reading the beautiful compliment 🙂

    My son is a bit sick today, so we are both home…while he was having breakfast, he saw me smiling and almost crying…he asked me why? I said I read something that made me happy…and I read it to him…He said…”That’s a very nice compliment mom”…:)

    Hope you have a wonderful loving day as well 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  57.  #57Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Also big proclamations of love don’t really move me. It’s the smaller everyday details that excite me. I’ve always been like that. I enjoy subtlies of life, consistency.

    For example, LI makes a point of making me tea every morning because he knows I love it. I would take that any day of the week versus a big show one day a year.

    Not that I have to choose between the two. I could have both if I wanted to I suppose.

    But yes, if my guy treats me well on a daily basis, then I couldn’t care less what he does on v-day.

  58.  #58life_is_too_short_to... on February 14, 2011 at 10:18 am


    It felt good to have my little tantrum yesterday, and today I feel great and gratitude and fine with things the way they are. I’m not worrying about a thing.

    Thanks to SLV, Sweetpea, Ella, Lori and more
    for helping me to get my head out of my a$$

    Today I am giving myself the best gift I have
    received in a long time. I am completing an
    art project! It’s almost done! I have been so much wanting to get back into my art. cd#1 inspired me,
    and he finished his yesterday.

    I’m kinda on the same page as LG with the holiday thing. If I need gifts or a special date on a designated holiday to know whether or not a man cares about me, that’s not that great, imo.

    the way i see it, it’s all in the innovative details…

    Yay everyone!




  59.  #59Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 10:18 am

    RE 40 The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

  60.  #60Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:18 am

    @47: Brenda says:

    “…I want them all and a bag of chips!…”

    These days both of us will be having cucumber chips… 😀

    Or… as my grandson said ” we don’t want cucumber chips and yogurt dip we want real chips and that other kind of dip…you know, real snacks…” hahaha 😆


  61.  #61Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Happy B-day JenniferB!

    Best wishes of love and happiness 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  62.  #62tinque on February 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I’m hearing a lot of expectations being expressed here today. And though you don’t want to be treated badly or forgotten or neglected, having an agenda will get you in trouble every time.

    I want to share a story with you all about this very same thing on this very day five years ago.

    K had taken a job which required him to fly to San Jose (from LA Burbank airport) every Monday AM, flying back home every Thursday evening.

    Valentines Day fell on a Tuesday this particular year. As it turns out we happened to have one of our concerts on that day that year (we always bought season’s tickets to LA Phil).

    I was either going to give them away or ask a girlfriend to come with me. Last minute, K said he had decided to fly back that evening (this is after having flown up the morning before) so we could hear beautiful music together and get to spend the night together too. He would fly back up again Wednesday AM.

    He came bearing nothing, no card, no flowers, no gift. I was EXPECTING something. I felt bad, disappointed, hurt, and this is all I could think about the entire night. It colored my time with him.

    In retrospect he had given me a huge gift, coming all the way back to spend one what could have been a lovely evening with ME. I missed it. I missed the opportunity to have joy for what he did give to me that year.

    Something to think about.


  63.  #63life_is_too_short_to... on February 14, 2011 at 10:21 am

    @57 LG

    That’s the way I feel about it…it’s all in the details!

    Did you see what I wrote in #58? I mentioned the “details” too, and I hadn’t read your #57 first…we must have written it at the same time…haha !


  64.  #64Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 10:22 am

    RE 62 Thanks Tinque for sharing that.

  65.  #65Lori on February 14, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Happy VDay AND BDAY Jennifer!!!

  66.  #66Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:25 am


    SLV, Tinque, DE & others thank you so much!

    You have said exactly what I couldn’t figure out. I was stuck.

    Tinque I am going with what you said.

    SLV I am going to use your suggestion of saying later.

    This feels so much better than my whingy, telling him what to do, negative text!

    Thanks for your lovely wisdom Sirens.

    Feels so much better wording.

    I am going to send it then focus on some quality healing time with myself and my mum.

    Big love.


  67.  #67Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:26 am

    I read the Five Love Languages for Singles several years ago…still have the book. It was a book recommended by my Bible study group…

    Definitely great points…and insightful…

    But then again it put me to sleep…:( I must have difficulty reading books written my men…A lot of blah, blah, blah…:( Sigh 🙁

  68.  #68life_is_too_short_to... on February 14, 2011 at 10:31 am

    don’t want no fortress around my heart

  69.  #69Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Lori: I feel curious about what happened with man who wants to experience your cooking skillz.

  70.  #70Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:33 am


    I feel forever grateful to you for sharing about the new book just released “Love for No Reason”…

    It is a wonderful present to myself this year…I feel immersed in its beautiful principles and tools…every page is full of surprises…many of Rori’s tools are also included…

    Have a loving Valentine Day 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  71.  #71Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @51: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…I’m trying to stay away from expectations and stick with being surprised every day…”

    Sounds good. I’ll keep my expectations though. I expect that my sweetie will want me to know that I am safe, loved and cherished and he will not ever want me to forget that. How that happens, I’ll leave up to him and let him surprise me there.

    But I am very, very happy with small things. I don’t have to receive David Yurman diamond earrings on Valentine’s Day. Those kinds of things are not the expectations that I meant.


  72.  #72Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 10:34 am

    RE 70 Welcome

  73.  #73Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 10:35 am

    LoriC Hope you are doing okay.

  74.  #74Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Ok I went with:

    Hi Mr B
    I still feel very sick. I feel empty today and I am feeling very disconnected. X

    Much better – thanks Sirens.

    Hmmm, now, what take away to have…??


  75.  #75Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Life: I didn’t see that. Thanks for pointing it out.

    I feel excited about your art project!

    Yum! Please tell me more about it!

  76.  #76Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Sirens I have trouble with this though…

    Cus I do want something from my man (when I have one) on Valentines Day.

    Doesn’t have to be expensive but I want something…

    Am I alone in this?

    And if it doesn’t come how do we express that without being accusatory, blaming and negative?

    Thanks. xoxoxo

  77.  #77Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:39 am

    I feel weird. I don’t think my expectations are low. I think they are consistent. Big difference.

  78.  #78Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I highly recommend reading this blog post from Mama Gena. Pure awesomeness! I’m doing all this stuff for myself. It won’t all get done today but it will get done this week. I’m going to BE the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.

    Cuz I’m a Supa Star!

  79.  #79Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

    And I signed up for a pole dancing class on Friday. Holla!

  80.  #80Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:45 am

    66: Ella says:

    “…This feels so much better than my whingy, telling him what to do, negative text!…”

    And, he still has the option to text you: “In an hour I’d like to bring soup and ice cream, whatever, or if you aren’t up to it can someone come outside and collect it?”


  81.  #81life_is_too_short_to... on February 14, 2011 at 10:45 am

    You rock SS! I want to try that, too!

  82.  #82kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Pole dancing rocks. Do pushups and crunches before class, so you’re stronger.

  83.  #83Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 10:47 am

  84.  #84Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:48 am


    I missed where you talked about “love for no reason”.
    Did you like it? I love her other book “happy for no reason”.

    Also, wanting to say how much I appreciate you. 🙂

  85.  #85Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 10:48 am

    FeminineWoman, Brenda, and Lori:

    Thanks for your words. I feel…heard. And FW, you always do call me on my humor-as-mask bullsh*t. For which I feel appreciation.

    Quickie update on CD TallColumbusGuy and request for thoughts:

    Just saw him on IM and he disappeared within 2 minutes. As usual. Actions speak louder than words, indeed. As of last communication, we technically have a date scheduled for Saturday evening, but with no time committed, no phone calls since the last date (9 days ago), and no emails other than a cursory, business-like, and delayed response to one of mine saying Saturday “works for him” (as if I had asked him out!)

    I do not want to go. I want to free my evening up for someone else. One of the Shawn/Sean/Shauns perhaps. Or for some self-dating or for friends.

    So, the lovely Daria previously suggested waiting a few days to see if my feelings shifted. They have: to mega-irritation and super-ick. And then she suggested just making other plans and if he calls (big IF at this point) saying, “Oh, wow, dude, sorry, I didn’t get a confirmation or a set time from you, so I made other plans. But I’t’d feel super awesome to see you some other time!!!”

    (Daria, sorry if I’m snarkier than you were–I’m paraphrasing and adding some snot to it)…

    So, do I owe TallColumbusDude any sort of preemptive communication saying something like “I don’t feel good about holding my rare free time with no confirmation?” or is that too “closure-y?” At this point, I don’t want to see him, I feel angry, and I feel distaste for him. Or do I just go about my business and make other plans?

    Thanks so much!

  86.  #86Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I posted on the other thread about feeling very low vibe, negative energy towards men today, and espec Mr B.

    Feeling tired and bored of meaningless words.

    That just comes across in any communication.

    I think time to myself and not even worry about anything like when I will see him etc will serve me the best here.

    We have a comedy to watch tonight ‘It is a Wonderful Afterlife’. Hoping it is going to be funny.

  87.  #87Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Boomer as far as I can tell go about your business and make other plans!


  88.  #88Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:50 am

    deal with him whenever he shows back up…

  89.  #89Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:51 am

    SS re 78,

    Do you have a link?


  90.  #90Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 10:52 am


    You are very wise to learn from this experience.

    When we only view others feelings and motivations through our own lens, we do indeed miss a ton of really good stuff. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.

    I too had a man once. He rarely said I love you, he wasn’t much for gifts. But he was always always doing things for me. Bringing me firewood, fixing my this or that. Paying for little things on a whim that I needed, very practical and unromantic, but it was his way. I really had to pay attention to what was going on.

    I guess for me the trick is to find a man who gives me what I need in the ways he shows love, or to shift my perspective and understand his way is how he does it and it is just different. It’s all such an incredible awakening to the many faces of love. xxoo

  91.  #91Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Pole Dancing ROCKS!!

    I had one lesson before op and will pick it up again as soon as I am better.

    Love it!!}

  92.  #92Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I just got asked out for a Valentine’s dinner on FB…

    Don’t fancy the guy one bit, he is an old friend, and I am too sick to go.

    But it sure felt good to be asked!


    I feel softer!

  93.  #93Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Pondering the word “expectations”.

    I have certain expectations about how I want to be treated but I don’t have expectations (or try not to anyway) regarding exactly how or when it happens.

    For me, those expectations are different. Maybe the first category is better called boundaries or ?. I dunno.

    I feel really interested in exploring this. I love analyzing and questioning the meaning of words. Makes me so happy.

    I’m also happy to say I am going to take my first NLP course. Does anyone have experience with NLP? I feel very excited about this.

    From what I understand NLP addresses the subtlies of language and how it affects our neuro-processes.

    I’d love to hear other sirens experiences with it.


  94.  #94Darling Ella on February 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Simply Shannon # 79:

    Wow…I feel your excitement 🙂 About two weeks ago, I got this awesome deal on Groupon for three lessons (like $20)…and by the time I made my mind…I lost the deal…I am waiting for it one more time…:)

    Warm hugs,

  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Oooo 😳 Sexy undies!


  96.  #96Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Ella, #76….I feel ya, sister. I think most women want some sign of affection from their man on this day. As someone posted earlier, so many men “resent” this day, but I agree that it’s just an excuse not to do something that makes them uncomfortable–express their feelings in a tangible way.

    I got a free pass for being whiny and accusatory about a week after V-Day last year, when Then-Boyfriend took me to the pharmacy to get a prescription refill post-hospitalization (knee surgery). I was still really loopy on Percocet, and when we passed the boxed chocolates, he said, “Do you want some dark chocolate?”

    And I said, “Oh, is THAT gonna be my Valentine’s Day gift? Or was the colander my Valentine’s Day gift?”

    He replied, “No the colander was not really for Valentine’s Day. It was a ‘just because’ gift.”

    To which I said, “Oh, so you didn’t get me ANYTHING for Valentine’s Day then, huh?”

    He went silent.

    I know, mega-masculine and b*tchy. But I was heavily medicated and my filter was adversely affected 🙂

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. No, the truth is, I rarely expressed anything I was feeling with him, and when I did, it was snarky and snipey like that. SOOOO productive, huh?

    The colander made me cry. It re-informed my value to him as ‘”the cook,” and I had put together a thoughtful and personal and expensive gift for him. Oh, and the tacky “sex card” he gave me was just…well, tacky. This is a man who never wanted sex. Why a sex card????

    I managed to feel good abut my own generosity and stuff down my hurt that day, but I guess it came out a week later under the influence of drugs and repressed anger.

    Just goes to show, that stuffing feelings down is never the answer. They will seep out.

    So, Ella, hang in there. Rori is so right, despite how snarky I am being….using humor to cover my feelings….be your own best Valentine. I hope you are feeling better and recovering well from your surgery! I send you Valentine’s love from Ohio!!!

    Now! off to take my own advice with a manicure!

  97.  #97Turtle Girl on February 14, 2011 at 11:01 am


    Very cool! I have done some pole dancing when I was younger. Very interesting experience. My problem was I kept getting all worked up and my panties kept getting wet! Haw!!!! :o)

    Forewarned is forearmed! Have fun!

  98.  #98Lori on February 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Laughing Goddess


    He is coming to take me out this Thursday. Then he has to go out of town again for a week, and after that he wants to come stay an entire week in a hotel here in my town. He will spend time with me when I can and do his own thing when I’m working or with my kids. I will probably cook for him at some point that week…

  99.  #99kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Brenda, Alonka, Prairie Girl,

    and everyone who helped me with my thoughts of self-hate and loss from the last RR blog post…thanks.

    But I still feel like crap. Funny how I read his old emails and fb messages, and just as little as Jan 13th, he was enamored by me.

    I miss him.

    But I wrote him a letter which I won’t send, titled “Since you’re too much of a p*ssy to end this, I’ll do it for you.”

    I won’t do that. It looks immature, impatience, and it would close the door forever. We all know I really want him back.

    To everyone who pointed out he’s not a prince, well, before he made me upset by not urging his friend enough to pick the gift I sent him to his friend’s po box, I did some leany-forwards things which may have closed him off…I gave advice when it wasn’t warranted. He sent me the first 4 chapters of his novel and wrote in it, a dedication to me! What did I do? I got my red editing pen out and critiqued it. He took my points seriously, but I think all he asked for was love and support.

    I also told him to workout. I told a guy who’d probably duck if you threw him a ball, to workout! I’m stupid. I love that man’s body. Lean and lanky like I like, but yes, it is too soft, but dammit I ruined our connection because I became unappreciative.

  100.  #100Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 11:02 am


    RE: #79 – “And I signed up for a pole dancing class on Friday. Holla!”

    Whew! Go Siren Shannon! Shake it, girl! LOL! I want to take belly dance…again!

  101.  #101Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 11:06 am


    RE: #85 – “Or do I just go about my business and make other plans?”

    If it were me, I would not contact him and just make other plans. Then give the feeling messages when he contacts you.

  102.  #102Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 11:13 am


    RE: #99 – If you just lean back and do you, it is your best possibility of him looking you up, if it is to happen. I’m glad you didn’t send that letter.

    Sometimes when a man withdrawals, he is silently ending it, and sometimes he is just regrouping and will come back later.

    “Life is not a having and a resting,
    But a growing and a becoming.”

    Here’s to becoming our best selves in 2011! I know I am learning every day.

  103.  #103Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I’m feeling really happy today and in general.

    I’ve been making a point to speak extremely kindly to myself and try not take anything personally. Im starting to care less and less about what people think of me.

    It’s bordering a little on a “I don’t give a f*ck attitude”. Not that I don’t care about people but I don’t care about what they think of me or if they agree with me. F*ck ’em!

    I like me and I know source/spirit/god/the universe loves me abundantly and infinitely. That’s where I get my reward. People, well their minds are always changing.

    This is big for me because I’ve always been a people pleaser and very hard on myself. This kind self talk has been transformative. I can feel my vibe getting lighter every day.

    Something else I feel good about…at band practice last night we learned a bunch of exercises for drummers to help build rhythm and skill. I noticed when I was doing them, I got myself into a deep meditative trance. I look forward to using this as a tool for meditation. I’m also going to explore trying to “feel” the beats more.

    Last night I was learning this new beat and kind of wriggling. It sounded sort of timid and drums sound ways better when the is a sense of confidence behind it. So I started messing around an being playful and over-exagerating my moves and then it sounded really good. When I was bein playful, I sounded better! I feel so excited about this.

  104.  #104tinque on February 14, 2011 at 11:16 am

    “I do want something from my man (when I have one) on Valentines Day.”

    Ella – When you “the one” shows up, he will bring you something, even if it’s a sweet smelling rose bud from his garden because he knows it makes you smile.

    The do figure it out on their own if given half a chance.


  105.  #105tinque on February 14, 2011 at 11:18 am

    “the trick is to find a man who gives me what I need in the ways he shows love, or to shift my perspective and understand his way is how he does it and it is just different.”

    My experience Turtle Girl is that you end up meeting somewhere in between.


  106.  #106kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Riff: Now I feel like sending him a letter stating all the points where I f’d up and apologizing.

  107.  #107Lori C on February 14, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Femininewoman :

    Thank you for thinking of me, I can’t tell you how much that means to me, to know that someone is thinking of me.

    I am at work, and when I walked in, who was the first person I saw? My sister. I wanted to turn around and go back to the safety of my couch.

    Today, I am totally inside my heart and trying to find a place that feels good. I am struggling to find that right now and I suppose, it is ok. I am having a hard time finding the first stepping stone to feeling better, whether that be a thought or a link on this blog. I am sticking close to this blog but truthfully, I am overwhelmed.

    I hope you and all you other fabulous sirens have a fantastic day today. I too, don’t have much use for Valentines Day, I prefer and want my future partner to show me daily, in the little ways, his love and appreciation for me.

    I appreciate you all so much.


  108.  #108kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 11:22 am

    “the trick is to find a man who gives me what I need in the ways he shows love, or to shift my perspective and understand his way is how he does it and it is just different.”

    Ok, I’m still trying to figure out that one. Should I have accepted him not pressing his friend too hard on picking up my Xmas gift to him AND not receiving one from him, though he was the one to suggest gift exchange? Just trying to apply the quoted statement to my situation.

  109.  #109Ella on February 14, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I’m glad I sent that version of the text to MR B, however, now thinking about it, that is not exactly how I feel!

    I do feel loved, just not by him.

    I don’t feel empty, I feel ok.

    I feel low energy when I think about him and can’t imagine seeing him.

    Basically I just feel like I can’t be bothered when he doesn’t seem to have done anything positive and didn’t bring me anything while I was ill.

    How do I put that in FM when the time comes?

    Basically I really can’t be arsed cus you haven’t been…

  110.  #110Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

  111.  #111Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @103: Laughing Goddess says:

    “…also going to explore trying to “feel” the beats more…”

    I LOVED your drummer vid! Do you have more? Do you have the links to the others; I don’t know how to find them…


  112.  #112Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:31 am

    I also feel thrilled that I no longer feel drawn towards Mr. Charisma. I still love him as a friend but no longer wonder if there’s something more.

    I realized that I was just playing out my pattern of being drawn to unavailable men. I feel better about letting that pattern go and really giving Mr. Nice Guy a chance.

    I’ve done the unavailable thing for too long. I’m wanting to find passion and inspiration in other things besides yearning for an unavailable man.

    I have to say I sometimes struggle with that. Honestly, since about 8 years old, my man motivation in life has been to find my lover.

    Now I’m looking at letting other things inspire me. It’s cool. It’s a bit of a challenge though. But I’m realizing pining, and yearning, and aching isn’t the kind of “love” I want.

    I want solidity, and consistency, and excitement in a different way. Instead of excitement based on am I finally going to get the lover I think I want, I feel more excited about and easy, flowing, gentle love.

    I’m rewriting my internal programs and it feels good.

    No more self-sabatoge.

  113.  #113Katnina on February 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Brenda #11, thank you, that letter is beautiful! I felt relief and joy reading it. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  114.  #114AmberS on February 14, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Dear Beautiful Sirens,

    Imagine True Love
    Not the schmaltzy Hollywood version, but the version you can feel all the way through your soul, out the top of your head and through the soles of your feet. Imagine the way that love feels, how it’s an unstoppable, unalterable flood that fills you to bursting and shines through your skin and radiates out from you like a sun. Imagine how that love is eternal and endless and unconditional. There is nothing you can do to earn that love, and nothing you can do to make it end. You can ignore it, deny it, distract yourself from it, attempt to make others responsible for it, put up walls against it, and yet- it shines.
    That love is your birthright.
    That love is you.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  115.  #115Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

    LORIC You are welcome. I just read the following somewhere and saved them in my phone. Hope it helps you somewhat.

    “I am loved and each day I have the power to attract loving relationships into my life”

    “The deep love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you”

    “I am perfect just the way I am. I am good enough, I am worth”.

    “Free yourself to fully express every piece of you without apology”.

    I wish I was there to give you a hug but I am sending a virtual one. You will get through this and a better man will show up. Move through the negative to positive emotions that will attract it to you.

  116.  #116Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Tinque says “The do figure it out on their own if given half a chance.”

    I agree!

    I wish I would have remembered that earlier today. Here’s what I said to LI.

    “ya know how I said that v-day kinda dorks me out, all the hearts and candies and stuff? Well, I did realize that I do love flowers and I’m happy to receive them any day.”

    and he was kinda disappointed because he was going to get me some already.

    It wasn’t that big of a deal but I wish I wouldn’t have said anything and just given him a chance to show me that he already knew that.

    Oh well, live and learn.

  117.  #117Ella on February 14, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Amber re 114

    That is lovely!


  118.  #118Summerbaby on February 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Boomer @ 20

    I replied to this on the last thread, but it may have got missed. So here I am repeating myself.

    OMG Boomer, I laughed so hard I cried at your post. I can totally identify with the tang of cat wee….

    While rollerblading one day I came across a woman with a stroller and I thought it must be her grandchild… then I saw her a few minutes later when I was removing my skates and realized her grandchild was covered with fur and was, in fact, a cat.

    So when I start shopping for a double cat stroller to rollerblade behind, I will have officially become a crazy cat lady!

    Lori, you can buy stuffed cats to put in your stroller when you are ready and just take pictures of them and hang them on the walls.

    And the three guys named Sean/Shawn/Shaun, Oh, my thank you again for the laugh…

    Summerbaby – wiping the tears of laughter –

    P.S. I decided new music and chocolate is my V-Day gift to me.

  119.  #119tinque on February 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

    LG – Message received is a great thing. You can still melt when he does whatever he does, even if it’s only a sweet smile and a smooch. Really doesn’t get much better than that anyway as you know.


  120.  #120Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

    SLV: Awww, I feel happy that you enjoyed them. 🙂

    I feel a little hesitant to post more because I really value my Internet anomynity here. I wonder if there’s a way to get around that. I just prefer to keep my girl talk with y’all private.

    Hmmmm how to get around this?

    But yes, feeling the beats. I feel excited about this.

  121.  #121tinque on February 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Ella – It seems as though you’re looking for some sort of resolution still with him. You don’t really need to tell how he didn’t come through in a way you would have liked.

    I think you had it better before. You’re going to rest and take care of you, and you’re going to allow your mum to be there for you as well.

    If he contacts you, tell you’re feeling better or that you feel the same or that you feel so grateful that the weather is warming or that you feel sad that the weather is nasty or that you feel warm and cozy with a cup of tea at hand and so on.

    Making better sense?


  122.  #122Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 11:56 am


    RE: #106 – Did you already apologize?

    Here is my view, which is probably not Rori’s view: if writing him a letter of apology and telling him how much he means to you, etc gives you peace of mind, then do it.

    I did that with Ryan after making huge, embarrassing mistakes. It gave me much peace of mind, knowing I had done everything in my power to right my wrongs.

    I wish you peace…

    “In acceptance lieth peace…”

  123.  #123Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Boomer and SB:

    omg! I laughed so hard at the cat pee reference. I can totally relate.

    I just got a cat again after a long time of not having one and I’m having a really hard time adjusting to the whole cat litter thing. And if I don’t keep it immaculately clean, she will poo right outside of the box rather than in it.

    Ewww, my stomach is turning just thinking of it.

  124.  #124Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

    118: Summerbaby says:
    “…So when I start shopping for a double cat stroller to rollerblade behind, I will have officially become a crazy cat lady!..”

    There’s another step, when you get your cat a litte “Baby Bjorn” like carrier to hold him on your chest. Actually, those are kind of cute…for puppies too!


  125.  #125Ella on February 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm


    I am struggling with this!

    I still feel angry… and like I don’t know what to say to him.

    I feel resentful, of being lied to… but I told him that at the time.

    I feel wary about seeing him.

    I don’t want to tell him about the weather.

    I do want to tell him he hasn’t come through for me, cus he is asking for my time and I feel like why should I give him my time when he hasn’t earned it.

    I wanted him to look after me when I was sick.

    I know this is all very negative.

    How do I get the things I want if I can’t express this stuff?

    Thanks for being patient with me on this Sirens – I know I am being stuck/dim, it is so much harder to see clearly when it is your own situation.

  126.  #126Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @120: Laughing Goddess says:

    OK, I understand. I’ve shared things on here I’ve shared nowhere else,..


  127.  #127Ella on February 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm


    Actually yes, starting to make a bit more sense.

    And yet, I am worried that I will accept crumbs if I do not say how I feel (the negative stuff) and allow him to see me again.

  128.  #128Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Thanks for the cat-lady-related humor, gang!

    A Baby Bjorn for my Siamese Desdemona would only result in my clothing and face being ripped to shreds. (This is no Mama’s Cat. She is a true Siren Cat.) My fat tomcat, Banana, would probably just poop all over me if I tried to restrain him so.

    But I love the visual.

    My friend Bryan gave me a “Crazy Cat Lady” doll last Valentine’s Day (after I told him about the colander incident and how I suspected I was going to be alone forever).

  129.  #129tinque on February 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    “I feel like why should I give him my time when he hasn’t earned it.”

    Ella – There it is….

    “I don’t want to spend time with you.”

    The right guy will give you want you want and need as long as you remain open to him and his way. It’s not that you’ll be compromising, it’s more that you’ll love and appreciate his ways as he will yours.

    You don’t have to ask for it. The only way I suggest talking to a man, more a new man who doesn’t know you all that well, or if he is really that clueless is to say something like, “Warm chicken soup would feel so soothing right now.”

    No blame and no making him feel wrong.

    I hate to tell you this, but you will likely not feel any satisfaction with Mr. B no matter what you say or don’t say. I say better to leave this one alone.


  130.  #130Susan on February 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    @ Jennifer W RE: # 28

    You asked, “Does anyone else have a man in their life that rarely says I love you or doesn’t give you gifts??

    Ash does bring small gifts but never says he loves me. He has actually told me he does not love me, but he thinks his feelings may grow into love. I do love him.

    In order to keep myself sane over this, I look at his behavior. He is considerate, calls several times a week and makes all the plans for our dates and treats me with affection and tenderness.

    I suggest you look more to your man’s behavior than what he says. Actions are more important than words (but I admit I yearn to hear the words too.)

  131.  #131tinque on February 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    “I am worried that I will accept crumbs if I do not say how I feel”

    Ella – It doesn’t matter. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s just a guy who has a problem. He can do as he does, and you can choose to have around or not.


  132.  #132Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Oh, I love this. I went “Invisible” on IM, and within 5 seconds, TallColumbusDude popped online. I turned mine back to “Available,” and he disappeared instantaneously. WOWWWWWWW. I must be one scary chick! What with my warmth and leaning back-y ways!

    I have deleted him from my “Buddies” so I don’t have to think about it/him anymore. (No, really, I did. I swear.)

    I’m sorry…is this a dead horse? Am I beating it senseless? Whack! Whack!

    I know, I’m stopping.

  133.  #133Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Slv: Are you on facebook? I’d be happy to share links individually with you or other sirens on here privately. I guess I would just feel weird if someone did a search for our band and somehow Rori’s page popped up and all my dark, sordid secrets were revealed. 🙂

  134.  #134Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    RE 130 Susan I am wondering if you have in any way shared that you need to hear words of affirmation to feel loved/cherished by another human being? It does not have to be direct. Or do you gush in any way when he give you the gifts, or give him gifts in return?

    Do you watch TV with him? I am thinking getting excited when someone says something that speaks to you, or showing some emotion might get him to “feel” you more.

  135.  #135tinque on February 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    “Actions are more important than words (but I admit I yearn to hear the words too.”

    This is SO true. I longed for the words for the first three years of our relationship. But not having them taught me a very important lesson. K was practically yelling from the rooftops that he loved me. It just wasn’t out loud. I learned to “hear” his way of expressing his love.

    And when the words finally did show up, it felt rather anti-climatic. I have found I much prefer the continual action over the words though the words are still very nice.

    The ex always had the pretty words but bugger all to back them up.


  136.  #136Ella on February 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm


    Actually that is it!

    I don’t want to spend time with him at the moment.

    Wow, that is a revelation!

    And yet the thought of not ever seeing him again feels terrifying!

    But I do not want to spend time with him.

    Wow, who would have guessed it!

  137.  #137Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm


    This is what I learned to do with cats. NEVER let the litter becomed soiled. Maybe you already do this, and I don’t mean to offend by continuing on. It is a mindset thing.

    Some (most actually) cat owners use litter as a medium to hold the cat urine and “deodorize” it, sometimes using HUGE amounts of litter in a litter box before chucking the whole thing once a week or so.

    The thing that I learned from a cat whisperer is to use EXTREMELY little litter. If you can’t see the litter tray bottom there is too much litter. Only use the cheap clay litter. DO NOT USE “SCOOPABLE” litter.

    Then you scoop the soiled litter and flush when cat uses the tray. Do not use the slotted scooper thingie which allows litter to fall back into the box, use an old soup ladle that you donate to the kitty cause.

    Everytime you visit the bathroom, flush for yourself and kitty. Pick up the litter box, tilt, scoop the little cone (urine on clay litter) and/or solid matter. Flush. There is so little litter I never had a plumbing problem with this.

    This will happen several times a day…whenever you visit the bathroom…but after a while you scarcely notice the extra seconds. Any litter remaining is clean.

    The mindset is not using the litter as a collection device, it’s just a few tablespoons for kitty to scratch around a bit.

    Sorry, it you already do this but it might come in handy for someone else, so I’m posting.


  138.  #138Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    RE 132 Boomer may I suggest that you focus on the time you had with him and see if you can identify anything about yourself that might have come across as scary? Or maybe identify any scary looks on his face while he was with you? This IMHO will help you identify how you were being with him. Guys get scared off for all kinds of reasons. Also if he is looking for a “fling” you might not have come across as an easy catch, which could also have turned him off. I say make it into a positive story about yourself.

  139.  #139tinque on February 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    🙁 I so miss my baby boys….

    Kitty love….


  140.  #140Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    SLV, my fat cat Banana never would use a box (he was a feral kitten when I found him and took him in). He pees and poos on puppy training pads, of all things, which I just pick off the floor twice a day and replace. Considerably cheaper than cat litter!

    I will try your minimalist cat litter trick with Desdemona, however. She’s a persnickety little miss!

  141.  #141Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:26 pm


    Thanks. I’m always embarassed to say that I am not FB fluent. Hmm, if I think of something I’ll post it. I truly understand your concern; I have the same.


  142.  #142Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    “Persnickety”??? What is that?

  143.  #143Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I guess I should take that Facebook course.

  144.  #144Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    FW, yes, I am intense. I would not be at all surprised if I made some face, or cackled too loud, or did some such other “characteristically me” thing that sent him for the hills. Does anyone else get exhausted with all this self-examination about “maybe my hair was out of place and freaked him out?” Or maybe my belt didn’t match my shoes and offended his fashion sense? Gawd, it feels like sorority rush all over again!

    I’m sorry, FW, your thoughts are well-meaning, and my vitriol is not directed at you, but I am feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by all these things I have to think about when he just gets to be a coward.

    Deep cleansing breath….

  145.  #145thirtyseven on February 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    today i am treating myself to rori’s valentine’s day special offer for both modern siren and commitment blueprint. i have been wanting to buy blueprint for MONTHS but could not seem to find the extra funds anywhere.

    i’ve got a fantastic man who consistently steps up, and responds well to my stating my boundaries, wants, and dont wants. i can finally see that men will do the right thing when you give them the space to figure out what the right thing is. he just said to me yesterday: i’m your boyfriend. i want to make you happy. just sit back and let me do my job. 🙂

    so is there any benefit to getting the dvd version over the cds; are they identical? thoughts or opinions from those who own them??

  146.  #146Susan on February 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    @ FeminineWoman # 134:

    You asked “Susan I am wondering if you have in any way shared that you need to hear words of affirmation to feel loved/cherished by another human being?”

    Yes, I have. And he tells me all the time how much he appreciates me and thinks many things I do are wonderful. He just won’t use the L word. He has told me he likes me an awful lot and that he cares for me. He uses endearments when referring to me and tells people I am his girlfriend and that he is my boyfriend.

    He just holds back on the L word. Even though this bothers me a bit, I don’t make an issue of it because his behavior is loving.

    I just re-read what I wrote and I sound like I’m 16, LOL! I am 54 and he is 62. We have been dating since October 2010.

  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    @142: Femininewoman says:

    “Persnickety”??? What is that?”

    Fastidiously fussy?


  148.  #148Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    RE 144 No no what I am suggesting is looking at yourself to be the best person you can be and take the focus off him. If for instance you “cackled too loud” I would ask myself if that could be perceived as “melting” or not. You see for me it is practice so that when Mr. Right shows up I am ready. Your Mr. Right will most likely not be scared off but I want to be my best self for him so he has something to “fall in love” with. Hair out of place and such for me is not that important, it is the tweaks to my personality that will change my vibe is what I am looking for. Hope this clarifies.

  149.  #149Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    LG, I feel so happy about your Mr. Charisma realization! Yay! That is wonderful! <3

  150.  #150Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    RE 146 Susan it sounds like he is taking “babysteps” towards the L word which I think is fine as I want to take babysteps myself. Better he does it that way and in his own time so that when he gets there you know he wants to be there and not doing it out of obligation because you asked for it.

  151.  #151Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    LG, This jumped out at me. In particular with regards to Law of Attraction…

    I’m realizing pining, and yearning, and aching isn’t the kind of “love” I want.

    If what I’m saying i want (or don’t want for that matter), is the pining and yearning and aching… i.e. that is what feels good to me, then by LOA, I’m bringing in more of that.

    No thanks! I want a consistently loving and passionate relationship.

    I feel so happy and grateful for the consistently loving and passionate relationship with my husband.

    Ding ding ding. We have a winner!

  152.  #152Ella on February 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    He asked to talk on the phone tonight.

    I said I am feeling unsure about stuff right now and just feeling really ill. Warm chicken soup would feel soothing ( 😉 Tinque)
    Can’t physically talk at the moment so maybe another time?

    Take away has arrived.

    Gonna call my mum and settle down to watch movie now.

    Thanks Tinque and other Sirens.


  153.  #153Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    @146: Susan says:
    “…He just holds back on the L word… I am 54 and he is 62. We have been dating since October 2010…”

    It’s only been four months! I suspect he will say it later and perhaps then it might mean even more to you.


  154.  #154Susan on February 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    @ FeminineWoman # 150:

    I agree. I haven’t asked him to tell me that he loves me. I feel him moving forward S*L*O*W*L*Y and as long as I see progress I won’t fuss at him.

    I would have never told him how I felt except it happened by a sort of an accident. He had used the L word (followed by the word ‘you’) three separate times and since I was aware how skittish he is about these things I waited until I heard him say it the third time before I echoed it back and his response was to say, “Thank you. I care for you. I hope that is enough.” Then he acted very uncomfortable. In my mind, I was following his lead, but apparently he wasn’t serious the three times he did say it before I did. My response to him was “It’s enough for now. We have time.” And then I haven’t brought it up again.

    Some days, he confuses me an awful lot. And sometimes I get frustrated. And then I remind myself to look again to his actions. His words contradict themselves at times. His actions do not.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Someone said “men don’t make sense”. In any event if your vibe is in the right place you will be okay.

  156.  #156Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    I’m enjoying the idea of treating myself well today. Just called my favorite french restaurant and placed a take out order for sumptuous shrimp remoulade and napolean for dessert. I’ll stop on the way home for a nice glass of wine and bouquet of flowers and will have a candlelight dinner with my siren-self. When my CD calls after dinner, I’m going to be feeling lovely and sirenlike.

    I’m really looking forward to it!

  157.  #157Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    OK, no complaining in this one. Trust me, this post is truly awesome and hilarious:

    Just got a call to go pick up “a gift” from Shipping and Receiving. I am not expecting anything from any CD at all. But I have received some lovely tulips with a card that says:

    “Happy Valentine’s Day, Boomer 🙂 I was hoping you would be interested in having coffee or dinner with me in the near future?”

    – s”

    OK, so awesome, right???? The problem is that “-s” could be Sean, Shawn, Sean…or even SKIP!

    LOL, oh my goodness! What’s a Siren to do????

    I don’t know who these are from.

    But I LOVE it!!!

    Yay me!!!!

  158.  #158Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Boomer – that is hilarious! A Valentine’s Day mystery 🙂

  159.  #159archerie on February 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Valentines all done at this end of the planet ,
    Heres the tally,

    One dinner date that didnt happen -he texted me at 4.30 to see if i was “still free” having mentioned it a week before. a mail about all the fun we had and how he didnt like that things had ended badly

    2 virtual bunches of red stuff in mails from incredibly bizarre men from online dating site 🙂

    AND an IM conversation with one I AM interested in who had no idea what the day was , and sadly lives 3 hours away.

    The real love though came from my 2 boys . 19 yr old medical student had 2 more of his med student friends staying , and 16 yr old was in fine form , we had a ball, with me feeding masses of huge young men (average height 187 cm ie about 72″ ) gi-normous amounts of home baking and barbecue.

    Who cares about red hearts? This year was not one for tears and pining.

    Thats a wonderful gift !

  160.  #160Summerbaby on February 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm


    Just because he’s a coward, doesn’t make you any less wonderful and what would you want with a coward anyway?

    Him going invisible and disappearing just opens the space for Mr. PerfectForYou to appear.



  161.  #161Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm


    I try to avoid ‘conflictory’ contact on the days I’m not feeling well. I know that it affects my perception of things. I may get triggered where on a normal day I wouldn’t!
    May be worth considering txting him that you’re not feeling well and postpone the conversation. You may add that the only thing you want to do is have chicken soup and look at pictures of red roses;)

  162.  #162Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Pamelala – I want YOUR Valentine dinner! I get to cook for four wonderful kids though. Easy night and something they love – heart-shaped, burgers and curly fries. They may not always say “Thanks, Mom,” but they appreciate my cooking and love nonetheless!

    But shrimp remoulade??? Yum!

  163.  #163Questioneer on February 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Hi everyone! Sirens:

    At the last minute my man asked me to see if I could find a date for his friend and we could all go out for dinner tonight (Valentine’s night)….(his friend called and asked him because he is alone tonight….)

    So…it made me feel bad, and I used this message:

    I feel weird about it…he said why

    He said well he just called me and asked.

    And I said well if he wanted a date he should have asked earlier than right now.

    I feel bad because I have pressure to find a date for your friend at the last minute on Valentine’s Day and I feel bad because I didn’t have the idea of Valentine’s night being a group night.

    And he was like it was just a last minute thing not to worry about it, it was no big deal if it didn’t work out. And that is how we left it.

    What do y’all think?

    Why do I feel bad for saying this and worry that I have somehow let him down or not met his expectations. Why can’t I just be ok with what I said and not let it worry me anymore that it will ruin our night??

    Valentine’s stress??? Wtf.

    I need to not worry about it and enjoy the night!

  164.  #164Summerbaby on February 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    all this talk of food! That’s it! I’m making shrimp scampi for me tonight! I’m so worth it! lol

    hugs to all,


  165.  #165Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    My guy texted me a little while ago to say happy V-day and that he is stuck in Canada till tomorrow due to bad weather. I responded within mins asking if he can go back to his hotel, if he likes it there, etc. No response. It’s true that he could shut down his cell to avoid international charges. We did not have plans for tonight anyway, but it would be nice for him to call later instead of texting.

    Do I want too much? It feels like he is doing a necessary minimum to keep the relationship going;)

  166.  #166Amy on February 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    I always loved Valentine’s Day….and I always loved it much more when ever I was single then when I had a boyfriend. To me, it has always been a holiday to celebrate the love I have for myself…I always try to do something special for me. This year I bought myself some wonderful jewelry and took myself out to dinner this weekend with friends and breakfast this morning. It feels great!

    I am so happy to read this post from Rori because sometimes when you have a bf or a cd, you forget how the greatest love you can show is the love for yourself. 🙂

    Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies! xoxo

  167.  #167Andi on February 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Oh f*ck!!!!!

    My man from 1,000 miles away just texted me.

    I don’t like this.

    He wants to talk to me tonight.

    I have a date.

    Sirens, I have been gone and thinking of you…

    I have been going out with someone…it has been going really good…

    I wish everyone the best tonight!


  168.  #168Daria on February 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Alonka – uhoh… U stepped into the masculine mode asking him if he can go back to his hotel and if he likes it there…

    To be in feminine mode, keep the focus on you and Receive and Appreciate.

    Ex: ohh I feel so dissapointed I won’t see you! I miss you! It feels great to hear happy valentines from you… Thank you! :).

  169.  #169Daria on February 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Kickin back in my bed/ lovin my fertility / all these penises so excited just to be with me / I got that butter bread / for the shrimp scampi / soft waves of pleasure / rockin out my memory

  170.  #170Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Daria – I see! Thanks;) His text sounded not so romantic actually. and we didn’t plan to meet today. He said:

    Happy V-day. I’m stuck in quebec – weather complications. Rebooked for tom.

    Would you still say – I miss you! – to this?

    I thought my questions at least show that I care about what’s going on with him?

  171.  #171Daria on February 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Alonka – yes I would still say I miss you if I did. He said happy valentines day so that is romantic.

    Your questions put you in masculine. Mothering overfunctioning and asking and focusing on him… Rather than focusing on you and receiving.

    Men like to be the ones in that role, hearing it from a woman pushes them away.

    Hey Roris book is like 20 bucks… Do u have it? She explains that in there… It could be a fun valentines present for self.,, for me it would… Roris stuff lifts my self esteem and makes me believe I can have more

  172.  #172Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm


    I have Rori’s book;) And her Modern Siren program too. So you’re saying that I should sound overly happy getting any token of attention even if I’m planning to tell him that I want more?

  173.  #173Daria on February 14, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Alonka – Ohok then it referanceable…

    At the end of the book she had that list about “His business”

    Like what is he thinking, how is he doing, etc…

    Well this might not be 100% clear but yes, showing him you care by asking that stuff pushes him away.

    Femininely we show we care by being warm: i miss you!

    and appreciative: thank you! 🙂

    You cannot sound ‘overly happy’ … Only as happy as you feel.

    However yes you have to practice appreciating Every little thing including and especially a “happy valentine”

    You can say thank you and still want more…

    If you are feeling very angry at him then you can say: thank you… I’m still feeling really angry

    You have to also Not play cool and get vulnerable by saying stuff like : I miss you, I feel dissapointed not to see you, etc etc.

    And also stuff like: I feel good with you.. I feel so warm/loving/attracted to you… Etc when you feel that way with him

  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    @172: Alonka says:
    “… So you’re saying that I should sound overly happy getting any token of attention even if I’m planning to tell him that I want more?…”

    I think you misunderstood the post.


  175.  #175Ella on February 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Hmm, I am learning about how questions put us in the masculine role as well… being concerned about him… his business

    I need a reminder of this sometimes and whenever I do it it feels off and I immediately feel it and need to express something to get to feminine role.


    I feel worried cus when I was sleeping with Mr B he told me he had had a sexual health check and it was clear.

    He also mentioned a scare with hepititas (because it is a risk to people who sniff drugs) but that he had a test and was clear. At the time I believed him bc I had no reason not to trust him.

    But that has been playing on my mind… I mean he lied about other stuff, he could have lied about that too.

    I feel worried.

    As soon as I am well I will go for a sexual health check to put my mind at rest but I keep feeling really cross at myself bc I think I have let myself down.

    I shouldn’t have trusted him.

    Maybe I should have waited longer etc etc…

    I know these are what ifs but I just feel so scared about this.

    And angry. And mistrustful.

  176.  #176kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I’ve been taking care of myself this V day, but everything about today is so triggering. I can’t stop thinking about how I ruined everything. I’d trade back that money just to have him again.

  177.  #177kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm


    do you have a link where I can buy this $20 Rori book?

  178.  #178cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    I’ve been a widow for a little over 2 years… The man I started dating last month has also been a widow for a little over 2 years. The biggest difference between us is that I have a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old.

    Anywho, based on what I’ve learned from Rori and from the blog is that I need to lean way back and let him “do” everything. Which is something that has been a huge challenge for me. Well, I had been getting a feeling that he’s pulling away from he… We hit it off great at the beginning (and no, no sex involved either… Yea me!).

    He and I have texted almost everyday since our first date on New Years Eve but, for the last couple of weeks, he wouldn’t come and see me. Back on last Thursday, he texted and said that “If i get a little rest on Sunday, I’ll try to come and see you Sunday night.” In my mind, I decided that this was the make it or break it. Well, he never showed so, naturally I was felt hurt, disappointed, and angry.

    Today, I waited for him to text me and this is what happened….

    Him: Good morning
    Me: How are you doing?
    Him: I’m good, but I was working on the wiring n the car yesterday and the wiring is bad. The car isn’t running good. I got a lot of work today to try and get it right again. How are you doing?
    Me: Sorry that the care isn’t running good. Can I ask a very blunt question?
    Him: Yes you can
    Me: Do you still want to date me?
    Him: That is not a simple yes or no answer. Yes I do, but my head and heart are still not in the right place for it right now. I thought I was past all of that. I’m confused again.
    Me: What are you confused about?
    Him: The more I liked you, the more I felt that I wasn’t ready.
    Me: Ok. So I should just leave you completely alone and let you figure things out on your own. I still want to date too but not when you aren’t sure of where you are at. It’s kinda like last January… You could sense that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. Now, it’s the other way around. 🙂
    Him: Ironic isn’t it? No you don’t have to leave me completely alone. I do enjoy talking to you, but the idea of a relationship, freaks me out right now. I hope you’re not offended or hurt by that.
    Me: No, Not offended… 🙂 I enjoy talking to you too and I guess we both have some “growing” to do… 🙂 Thank you for being honest with me. You’ve come a long way (emotionally, mentally, etc) and I know that there are more than just me that are proud of you.
    Him: I am sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier, I was hoping that it would pass and I’d be ok again. It hasn’t happened yet. Thank you. You are very sweet.
    Me: I understand and it’s ok. You have to be honest with yourself and yea, I wished that you had told me earlier but, oh well… So, if (or when) you want to go on a hike or just hang out….. 🙂
    Him: I will let you know. 🙂

    Sorry this is so lengthy but, you get a good idea of what happened for me today. Did I mess up in saying what I did? Have I just closed the book on this? If not, how do I go about guiding him back to me again or do I just need to let him go completely and that this be the end of it??


  179.  #179LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm


    Happy Birthday 🙂


  180.  #180LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    157 Boomer
    Love it!


  181.  #181Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    There’s a lot of shrimp around the blog today. I think I’ll order shrimp with broccoli and brown rice for my Valentine Day dinner. I’ll make a little salad to go with it too. Orange for dessert.


  182.  #182Dorothea on February 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I had a wonderful vday. it was incredible. i’m going to tell you all about it when i have more time, but it’s going to depress you all. sorry in advance:(

  183.  #183Prairie Girl on February 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Oh I’ve been gone all day playing waitress.. I do it one day a week in a one horse town not far from here… trying to catch up on the posts…

    Boomer, you will not end up alone with cat wee… It just will NOT happen.. You are too amazing, funny, and dazzling… and…you are here realigning your trajectory toward your happy destiny…

    Oh but will you please remind me of this next time I’m down and worried about the cat wee retirement plan?

    Kaitlyn I’m guessing you didn’t read my posts the past month or so… I know EXACTY what it feels like to see the texts/messages from just a few short days/weeks ago when it all seemed so good…

    But in hindsight (the clearest of visions) I would have been settling if I’d ended up with this man I’ve sooooo pined over…. settling for his age… he was 14 yrs older and while in great shape it would be a bigger deal in the near future.. I’m 46 w/kids 6&8…He didn’t talk enough… we had GREAT talks at times but not about intimate things.. Bottom line.. he was probably the best all round package I’ve ever had but that being said he was NOT NOT NOT the man I’d choose if I getting my core needs met was a priority.

    So why am I so quick to look at all the little piddly things he did that were better than, when it wasn’t enough than? Cause he disappeared that makes him SOOO attractive… bottom line.. he’s gone… I’ve learned here the “why” doesn’t matter…

    You telling him again what you did wrong is an attempt to GET/CHANGE/DO something… From personal experience this has NEVER made me feel better….But you’re gonna have to decide what works for you…


  184.  #184JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Thanks again for all the birthday wishes….I love you all and enjoy reading your posts.

    I’m feeling angry right now about my BF, also sorrow. He can send his past girlfriends gifts and I love yous, but me? i got a text this morning “happy bday”

    I know that I’m supposed to be feeling appreciative of what he does. But right now I’m feeling unappreciated, unloved and uncared for.

  185.  #185Flora on February 14, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you Rori for this Valentine post. My boyfriend broke up with me this weekend and I’m feeling pretty raw so the timing was good. You are so right too, the time for ‘boyfriend’ is long gone, I will never again be exclusive with a man before he has claimed me. Big love to all X

  186.  #186Lisi on February 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I like this post.

    Even though M is cooking me dinner this evening, and it will be a nice, romantic evening —

    I asked my daughter to be my valentine.

    And she said yes.


  187.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    “…but it’s going to depress you all…”

    Let’s take bets. 😀 I bet it won’t depress me!


  188.  #188Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Slv aka Sexy Lady:

    thanks so much for the tips! I’m a litter novice. Very helpful! I was using waaaaay too much litter.

    I gotta say cleaning up cat poo not in litter, on the floor, is a million times more disgusting to me than poo in litter. The litter coats it and makes it hard and not so smelly. Fresh cat poo on floor = most disgusting thing ever!

    Blah! Anyways super sorry to get disgusting. Just riffing I guess 😉

  189.  #189Daria on February 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Kaitlyn – yes, I’m actually signing up – thanks to your q – to be a Rori affiliate as Rori suggested to me…

    meanwhile, you can go thru the catalog and click on the book…

    here’s the direct link,2

  190.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    @184: JenniferW says:
    “..i got a text this morning “happy bday”
    I know that I’m supposed to be feeling appreciative of what he does. But right now I’m feeling unappreciated, unloved and uncared for…”

    IMHO, this is just me…I’d send a thank you text in return. It would be the following:


    That seems about right. The rest of it you must take care of yourself. Did you get yourself any gifts? If not, go get some, wrap them up, open one each day. Order dinner and a movie. Enjoy yourself.



  191.  #191Daria on February 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Jennifer W – but he did SOMETHING… he remembered your birthday…

    i remember a Rori comment to a lady that was upset that her man had only given her daughters money for mother’s day, with instructions to buy their mom something nice

    she said she felt crushed

    Rori advised her to begin appreciating EVERYTHING, including the little things he DID do… and that would lead to more…

    I really advise you to text back:

    “thank you”

    and then be surprised… something else might happen

    if not, you can always bring it up

    but i wouldn’t expect my man to feel motivated to please me if i don’t appreciate his efforts with Thank you

  192.  #192Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Lucy and SS: Thanks! Actually both of you were really helpful to me a while back. I took some time to ponder what you said and it all started to make sense.

    What I’ve been noticing is that I feel insecure, awkward, find myself falling into masculine energy patterns around Mr Charisma


    I feel more calm, confident, feminine energy around LI.

    Mr Charisma is great for me to practice on and go deeper into why I feel insecure around him but I don’t have to date him to get that message.

    Also, don’t wants vs wants. Very important! Thanks for the reminder SS

  193.  #193Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    @185: Flora:

    Whitney Houston – “Greatest Love Of All”



  194.  #194Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    @188: Laughing Goddess says:

    “…Blah! Anyways super sorry to get disgusting. Just riffing I guess …”

    You might have to get her used to it. Try the tilt the pan method and see how it works. Fingers crossed.


  195.  #195Lori C on February 14, 2011 at 4:37 pm


    FW, I printed out the quotes and affirmations you shared with me. I also got a brand new notebook so that I can start journaling and this little gem, is in the front cover.

    I have not been a journaler (can’t be a word but it is now) before, so I don’t really know how, but I guess I can’t mess that up. I hope I will find some peace and really figure out what I want for my life in terms of love and relationships. I figure there has to be a reason that I choose men who tend to be unavailable.

    My self esteem is rocked to the core, why is it that we tend to find the answer to what happened by blaming ourselves? I didn’t do this. I have so much to work through and I am choosing a bit of silence and distance now. from this trauma with my first goal being to get through one whole day with no crying. I want to feel strong again, I want to feel that I am worthy of the love I desire long term, I want not to be angry and I want to learn to be a siren. And, I want to be graceful in all of this and gentle with myself.


    I finally felt safe enough to talk to a girlfriend about this today. She was so kind and generous in her appraisal of me as a person, and I wish I could have recorded that. It was heartbreaking to spill all of this outloud but it was good in a way talking with a girlfriend can be.

    I think I am going to be ok, eventually.


  196.  #196Ella on February 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Waaaaahahahyyyayayaa Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


  197.  #197Daria on February 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm


  198.  #198Daria on February 14, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    19 man – what had i renamed him?

    left me a valentines day message! yay!!

  199.  #199Ella on February 14, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Its all going to be ok…

    Yes it is

  200.  #200Ella on February 14, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    I feel stronger.

    Yay flexy strong arms, like popeye.

  201.  #201Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 4:50 pm


    I’m studying your litter post 🙂 preparing to tackle the mess I have and start your system.

    I was doing the collection thing. And it isn’t working AT ALL. Even if I scoop it, she stills goes right outside the box most days.

    So I’m ready to try this method. I have a few questions tho.
    Why the specification of not using scoopable and using the clay stuff?

    Also, if you feel inspired to share any other tips, I’m all ears.

    Is there

  202.  #202Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    When I had a finnicky cat, I purchased one of those automatic litter boxes. Never had a problem after that. It cleans itself and only needs to be changed out once a month. It is pretty pricey at about $200 US and $15 per month for the replacement box, but it was worth it to me not to have to constantly worry about finding a mess in the morning.

    I wish you lived close by. I not longer have a cat and am going to sell the auto-box on CL.

  203.  #203SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    OMG, with all the cat litter….

    I have two litter pans in the bathroom for my two furboys… As soon as I have to use the bathroom, they barge in (they never knock) and think I need company, and have to go at the same time.
    It’s synchronici-wee… I swear it never fails.

    twisted Summerbaby

    P.S. SLV – I’ll file away the “baby bjorn” carrier for when I’m shopping for the double stroller… maybe they make a front and back pack, so no one will feel left out! Of course, they maybe looking for a straitjacket for me after that. tee hee

  204.  #204Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Oh my gosh! It is a mindset thing!

    Right now I have her litter box tucked away in a remote corner of the house with plastic all over the floor. I kind of view it as a toxic waste dump and I avoid the area at all cost. Going in there to do my daily scoop is kind of a traumatic experience.

    This is a total different mindset.

    I also have a big litter box to hold all of that litter I’m using. Do you use a small box? The one I have is so big, I cat imagine it fitting in the bathroom!

    I want to have a positive, inspiring, fresh relationship with the litter box! 🙂

  205.  #205SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    pamelala, what part of the US are you in?


  206.  #206Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    RE 195 Lori C Happy to help in any way I can. You sound like you will be okay. Don’t make it out to be anything wrong with you. It is human nature to want what we can’t have. I am happy you were able to talk about it, that is very healing. I am sure someone else will be crying in the future and it will not be you because you will have learnt from this experience and will be in a better place.


  207.  #207kaitlyn on February 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Prairie Girl,

    Yes, I’ve been reading your posts. It’s really difficult for me to see what you’re saying, though I feel your experience and what you learned. It’s still hard for me. Don’t you think your guy would’ve opened up more if you’d practiced Rori’s tools?

    I keep stopping myself from contacting him. It’s so tempting. Esp when I see his fb profile pic. His lanky frame slouched over, his pale soft skin, his delicate wrists and sinewy arms. His long hair covering his angular face.

  208.  #208Dorothea on February 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    slv 187 (haha, did someone order HOMICIDE?)
    ok, i’ll type up the puke inducing tale of sweetness later:) get ready to barf!

  209.  #209Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    @201: Laughing Goddess
    “…Why the specification of not using scoopable and using the clay stuff?…”

    LOL I have to laugh…because i don’t know…the cheap clay stuff is the one that works? That’s what the advice was to do so that’s what I did but I have also used the grainy scented stuff and it worked the same.

    Maybe you wouldn’t want to put the pricey pellets, cedar chips etc in your toilet. . Maybe the little cone would not form…that’s probably it. I haven’t had a cat for several years. Maybe you could experiment and find the litter that works best for you. And come back and let us know. I do remember “SCOOPABLE” was a no-no. Probably less environmentally wonderful anyway


  210.  #210nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Hi cateyes:

    So disappointing, I sympathize…I have Rori’s ebook and maybe some of the principles can be applied here, try and get her ebook or other stuff, it does work, it can be gradual but it does work…. I am going to put in parentheses what might of been a better answer and some of my own comments…if I am wrong, PLEASE everyone jump in and correct me!!! Love ya all!!

    Today, I waited for him to text me and this is what happened….

    Him: Good morning
    Me: How are you doing? (dont ask how he is, just a warm hello, will suffice )
    Him: I’m good, but I was working on the wiring n the car yesterday and the wiring is bad. The car isn’t running good. I got a lot of work today to try and get it right again. How are you doing?
    Me: Sorry that the care isn’t running good. Can I ask a very blunt question? (Instead say, I feel rather hurt and disappointed I have not seem much of you lately, then be quiet)
    Him: Yes you can
    Me: Do you still want to date me? ( This was almost like an ultimatium, just expressing disapointment was enough)
    Him: That is not a simple yes or no answer. Yes I do, but my head and heart are still not in the right place for it right now. I thought I was past all of that. I’m confused again. (he is still grieving and attached emotionally also when a guy really wants you, he is not confused)
    Me: What are you confused about? (I am sorry to hear that, you are to be in your feelings, not worry about what he is thinking)
    Him: The more I liked you, the more I felt that I wasn’t ready.
    Me: (oh that feels weird to me or hmmm interesting, silence) Ok. So I should just leave you completely alone and let you figure things out on your own. I still want to date too but not when you aren’t sure of where you are at. It’s kinda like last January… You could sense that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. Now, it’s the other way around. 🙂 (WHOA, here are you flat out telling HIM what to DO. What you need to say is (I am sorry you feel confused. I can relate to that) Keep it simple.

    You could sense that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. Now, it’s the other way around. 🙂 (no need to say this, and underscore the situation)
    Him: Ironic isn’t it? No you don’t have to leave me completely alone. (wants his cake and to eat it too, have you hang around while HE decides what to do, I DONT THINK SO) (Umm, I feel it would be best for ME if I left you alone. It does not feel good to date a man that is confused, I would not enjoy it at all). I do enjoy talking to you, but the idea of a relationship, freaks me out right now. I hope you’re not offended or hurt by that. (Not offended just a little disappointed)
    Me: No, Not offended… 🙂 I enjoy talking to you too and I guess we both have some “growing” to do… 🙂 (what? why are you putting yourself down? You are not the confused one!) Thank you for being honest with me. (what is so honest about disappearing on you and telling you he is confused and asking you to stick around?) You’ve come a long way (emotionally, mentally, etc) (whaaat? he has NOT!, You have cuz you are going to be doing some Rori stuff.) and I know that there are more than just me that are proud of you (do not reward a man for bad behavior by complimenting him or giving him anything).
    Him: I am sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier, I was hoping that it would pass and I’d be ok again. It hasn’t happened yet. Thank you. You are very sweet.
    Me: I understand and it’s ok (I understand. Period. No it is not okay with you, stop pretending). (You have to be honest with yourself) and yea, (I wished that you had told me earlier) but, oh well… So, if (or when) you want to go on a hike or just hang out….. 🙂 (you are telling him, I feel so little regard for my feelings, I will go out with you, no matter how you behave, you begged him to go out with you,) (say well I am sorry you feel confused, I on the other hand feel comfortable doing light dating right now and while I dont have someone in mind now I probably would accept an invitation if offered. Then be quiet.
    Him: I will let you know. 🙂 (handed the reins over to him and it is you that you need to take care of, Him: I got her in my back pocket).

    The conversation might of ended up with him wanting to see you again, since you are leaning back or it might of ended with him just saying okey doke. BUT you would of planted the seed in his head that you were open to other men.

    Okay, you wonder if there is hope? Sure, back off. Do not text, email, call, and if you catch yourself daydreaming about him, try and stop. You might do this a million times day, it is okay. Rori suggests circular dating which is explained in her ebook…its ranging from very light dating or flirting with guys everywhere you go to heavy dating, dinner, hiking, outings etc. you go out at least two to three men…it accomplishes several things…you kind of sparkle,,,hey we all like to be the belle of the ball…you open your options up…one of them might be so fabulous and want you, the other guy you totally forget..with a sad heart and widowhood on top of it, it may not be easy for you….so you do it very lightly..maybe just flirting..just coffee..

    No I dont think you blew it with this guy…If you do the leaning back and date around a little and get a pep in your step, there is a chance that he will call and you will be caught off guard cuz you were kind of focusing on the other guys, ..he will sense that… or you might mention if he calls or texts “oh I was just on the way out the door to meet a date”. He might freak out..and you just explain “well I feel kind of weird dating a guy that is confused, you seemed unavailable and I did not see any reason NOT to accept an invitation”

    Create a big space between you and him, and he just might want to come closer!!!!!.. Create that space, fill it with some flirting or dates…It is not about manipulating him but blessing yourself with some dating and flirting…If he does not step up, you will not feel as bad with some other men paying attention..if he does step up, it will be because you created space and he was able to get clear…he wont get clear if you run after him, physically or mentally..yes even thinking about him is chasing…..because it will not give him a chance to think it through and arrive at an answer. If you back off and he wants you, it will feel good to you and create something authentic. If you chase after him, you probably will catch him but you will be weak and sort of feeling inferior and he will be lukewarm. I would also suggest maybe contacting Rori’s assistant Melanie about some personal coaching because you have other stuff going on like widowhood and I have never experienced that. Hugs to you sweetie, you are going to make it.

  211.  #211Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    I’m in Colorado

  212.  #212Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Pamelala: thanks for the tip on the automatic litter box. I tried one with her but she seemed to be scared of it and would still go on the floor. She’s a tough one…but we’re gonna work it out.

    I feel excited about your evening. How does your vibe feel about your phone date?

    P.s. Sorry forO all the typos everyone. Typing on my phone.

  213.  #213T-Girl on February 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Don’t forget – the Ultimate Soulmate Summit starts today – in less than one hour! They will have each webinar available for 24 hrs after the broadcast.

  214.  #214nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    To laughing goddess:

    google robo litter box, check them out…you wont touch anything ever again. Yeah they are pricey but money well spent…the brands broke on me but mine are still going strong after ten years…Best investment I ever made, ‘cept the Rori book.

    I used Scamp Scoop, it smells great..

    I am a huge cat lover…got kitties here…

  215.  #215Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 5:13 pm


    OK, today is the first day of my new relationship with litter. It’s a mindset. I can do this!

    I’ll report back the results. 🙂

  216.  #216Femininewoman on February 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    RE 185 Flora I heard on the radio Friday that Valentine’s weekend is the time that many breakups happen. Some guys do it because of the pressure of expectations.

  217.  #217Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Nanceen: Cool! Thank you! I will check that out.

  218.  #218LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    178: cateyes3

    ***Him: Good morning
    Me: How are you doing?***

    The expected answer was
    “thank you. Good morning to you too” or something similar or even shorter.

    You dismissed his greeting, you take the lead off his hands and you get into his business by asking “how are you doing?”
    I think when we are new to each other, it is better to let the man be the first who expresses his concern about our well being.

    ***Him: I’m good, but I was working on the wiring n the car yesterday and the wiring is bad. The car isn’t running good. I got a lot of work today to try and get it right again. How are you doing?
    Me: Sorry that the care isn’t running good. Can I ask a very blunt question?***

    He found a way to get back to being the man in charge and to inquire about your well being.
    He asked a question about you yet you dismissed it.
    You are ignoring him.
    You refuse to see him as the man in charge, you get back on the top.
    Chances are feelings of “ignorance” and “dismissal” taint the relationship.

    ***Him: Yes you can
    Me: Do you still want to date me?***

    The question implies you feel negatives vibes.
    In case he was only taking it slower because you take the lead and he needs to readjust and find a way to be the man again, in case he had not thought yet to stop dating you, you sent him the vibe to take the decision to stop.

    Men date and feel free.
    If you tell them they have to know right now how they should feel , then they opt to tell you the truth,
    “I don’t know what I feel yet and if you want me to be in love, well then I will stop dating you because I do not want to hurt your feelings.”

    Sometimes by just dating in a cool manner, not putting the focus on him and dating others at the same time; you allow him to feel free with you, he feels you accept him just the way he is, and his feelings grow for you.
    If his feelings don’t grow for you, you lose nothing, he was just a date with whom you learnt how to respect men for who they are, and how to trust yourself and to get rid of the emergency feeling.

    For example, not asking the question to this man would have been a good practice to trust life to develop as should be anyhow, without you controlling others’ feelings or actions.

    He is not meeting you as often, so what, meet others yourself and let time show you what’s up with him. Don’t push him away with questions that tend to say he is wrong.

    ***Him: That is not a simple yes or no answer. Yes I do, but my head and heart are still not in the right place for it right now. I thought I was past all of that. I’m confused again.
    Me: What are you confused about?***

    Well he is confused. Asking him again is violating his mind before he is ready.
    You could have said “I understand, I feel confused too””
    That make people come close. The fear is less.

    ***Him: The more I liked you, the more I felt that I wasn’t ready.***

    Meaning “ like right now. I am not ready to analyze my feelings and yet you want me to know already what I feel and to put it in clear words; I could like you and keep dating you but I can’t answer your questions, so I will stop it to make sure I don’t frustrate you. I like you, I don’t want to frustrate you at all.”

    ***Me: Ok. So I should just leave you completely alone and let you figure things out on your own. I still want to date too but not when you aren’t sure of where you are at. It’s kinda like last January… You could sense that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. Now, it’s the other way around. ***

    Yes you should leave him alone because it is the man who is supposed to go towards the woman and to ask her if she wants to go on a date or if she wants to go on a trip or to marry him.
    The woman is not supposed to ask the man if he wants to date her.
    You are taking his male role off his hands again. You are emasculating him.

    As for January, this is probably why he felt good with you. You were not expecting him to take you out or to meet you at all. You were not sure to want anything.
    This had let him space to be the man and to court you and win a date with you.
    But now you make him feel he OWES you to meet you on specific days or else you won’t see him at all.
    He is not in charge any more, so he is out.

    ***Him: Ironic isn’t it? No you don’t have to leave me completely alone. I do enjoy talking to you, but the idea of a relationship, freaks me out right now. I hope you’re not offended or hurt by that.***

    He probably did enjoy your company but really freaked out, as explained above.

    ***Me: No, Not offended…  I enjoy talking to you too and I guess we both have some “growing” to do…  Thank you for being honest with me. You’ve come a long way (emotionally, mentally, etc) and I know that there are more than just me that are proud of you.***

    You are minding his business
    You are judging him.
    It does not mater if positive or negative, you are patronizing.
    Why would you tell him such a thing: “proud of him”
    What about your feelings? When do you speak of yourself? Are you proud of yourself?

    ***Him: I am sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier, I was hoping that it would pass and I’d be ok again. It hasn’t happened yet. Thank you. You are very sweet.***

    Whatever, he is ending the convo.
    You are definitively wanting to be on the top, even with the last sentence, so he is not going to fight with you, he is out.

    ***Me: I understand and it’s ok. You have to be honest with yourself and yea, I wished that you had told me earlier but, oh well… So, if (or when) you want to go on a hike or just hang out….. 
    Him: I will let you know. ***

    He could not tell you sooner, he was starting to date you, he did not know yet that he was going to feel disconnected from you.
    He was hoping that the first feelings would grow deeper.
    He might not have known he wanted to stop dating you yet, it might be this “TALK” forced on him that put his mind on the road to think it is better to stop.

    And do not again offer him to “hang out”.
    You are being a male mate. You are being the one who offers to meet, you are being on top of him again and you are doing it in a male way like if romantic feelings were out of the question for ever.

    When you tell him you are OK to just hang out, you are shutting his romantic heart down.

    When you tell him to tell you when he is ready, you are sending the vibe “I will wait for you”
    His heart has no need to wake up when he knows you’ll be there for ever.

    You did not tell him how you feel, you plaid the cool girl who puts pressure on one hand, yet does not mind to become a mate. It is confusing.

    ***Sorry this is so lengthy but, you get a good idea of what happened for me today. Did I mess up in saying what I did? Have I just closed the book on this? If not, how do I go about guiding him back to me again or do I just need to let him go completely and that this be the end of it??

    The past is the past
    From now on, lean back
    The good news is “men forget”.
    As amazing as it is, if there was a real attraction the first days, it will come back in his souvenir
    When he contacts you, do not refer to the past ever. Let it go
    Start afresh as a new date with him
    Let him be the leader of the dance, this time.
    No suggestions of plans, no questioning his intentions or feelings etc…
    Do not expect him to date you in such and such way, let him do it the way he feels it and you might be happily surprised by something you would never do yourself but that feels good.
    Also no expectation makes it easier on your heart when they don’t step up.

    He might also have been dating another woman on Sunday. You never know.
    Which would be fine, you are both only testing the water with your toe.
    In any case, do not contact him. Give him space to forget the feeling of pressure and to remember why he likes you
    When he contacts you, no matter how long it takes, be warm and show that you are happy to hear from him and do NOT refer to his silence, or to the past with him. Do not offer to meet again.
    Let him suggest and plan everything, like the first day.


  219.  #219Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    My dinner was amazing…I’m kind of stuffed. My vibe for my phone date isn’t where I’d like it to be because my heart keeps feeling pulled toward P…who hasn’t contacted me yet today. I’m doing some visualizations to try and let him go so that my ambivalence won’t come across on the phone.

    I did, however, get three Valentine’s day texts from three different men. It felt good to be remembered even though I haven’t actually had a date with any of them yet.

    Happy Valentine’s day to you!

  220.  #220Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    @204: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…Do you use a small box? ..”
    Yes a small box, the regular small for a regular cat. You’ll be able to pick it up w/ litter with one hand.

    I had small bathroom and actually used one litter box for both cats. I had a fortunate arrangement of a huge old fashioned tub on claw legs… Loved that tub! and the litter box kind of fit under the lip and against wall so it didn’t take up any of the actual bathroom footprint. The kitties had a little private bathroom!

    Place the litter box in a corner kind of private place, the best you can. Since she wasn’t trained this way might take some patience.


  221.  #221nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Laughing Goddess try different brands!! Circular litter testing!!!

    Summer baby, I always have an “audience” in the bathroom too. Have not had privacy in years. I get harassed in the shower, They think it is very funny to sneak a paw in and take a swipe and hear the ole lady shriek. This borders on nothing less than cheap thrills for them!

  222.  #222LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    kitten toilet training system amazing
    😀 😀 😀


  223.  #223cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm


    Thank you for your comments! You have helped tremendously and yes, I did have some (ah ha) moments… I haven’t been with a guy for over 2 years so this is all kinda new to me but, I know that I gotta take care of myself (mentally, emotionally, etc) and also for my children.

    I am not sure where (or how) to contact Rori’s assistant Melanie.

    Thanks again!


  224.  #224Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    @212: Laughing Goddess says:
    “.. I tried one with her but she seemed to be scared of it and would still go on the floor…”

    Small box, no moving parts, let us pray… 😀


  225.  #225Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    @LP @LG

    Using the toilet directly is the best way of all. 😀


  226.  #226nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Lone Plum, your answer to CatEyes was fabulous, I even copied it. What was stunning to me was so much of the correct actions you mentioned, I have been doing and it has worked. Things have changed drastically.

    Then on the other hand you mentioned incorrect actions I have been doing and I reaped undesirable results. I was sad but glad to read them because you explain them so clearly and logically, it makes it easy to stop doing them, forgive myself and have hope.

    I wrote a letter to CatEyes, trying to help….I hope some of it was okay and I did not steer her in any wrong direction…

  227.  #227cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm


    All I can say is WOW! This was a real eye-opener for me… Thank you! 🙂

    I need to learn to be the girl (and get a bracelet while I’m at it)… 🙂 I feel such a heel right now and I know it’s going to be rough… But I gotta…

  228.  #228Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I’m going to get delivery and then watch “Why Did I Get Married Too?”


  229.  #229Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Thanks Daria, thanks girls;)

    Yes I see that I need to shift from expectations and blame now to a positive appreciation and just listen and listen to my needs and express them. Whatever will help me to fall for this man – I need to express.


    I loved your response to cateyes3. Always learning from your posts. What do you think about the situation when a guy suddenly goes in defence and after a a connection that lasted for 1.5 years and a night spent together (not the first night, but it’s always one night and then something terrible happens) he contacts you and talks to you fine one day and then 3 days later when you contact him he is ok at first and then calls you back and bullies you with the question: so you want an exclusive relationship with me? And when you finally get to the core of your feelings and express your deep respect and adoration and say – yes, based on this I want a serious relationship with you – then he says oh I knew it! but I don’t care about you as much (using your own words as an example), I don’t ‘see’ you, you are not a long-term material for me (listing crazy reasons that he learned about me on the 1st date or before we met) and I want to date others! Bye! Enjoy your evening.

    Do you think I did the right thing answering his question truthfully (I know perhaps I shouldn’t have called but still how big of a mistake is one call??) Is it just a plain crazy commitmentphobic case or there was something for me to do you think?

    Thanks in advance!

    P.S. I should say that I never mentioned any ‘future’ and just responded to his lead. The whole thing happened when 3 days later I left him a VM – said in a happy laughing tone: I miss you! Can I see you tonight:) -? And when he texted back: Got your lovely VM, can’t do tonight, but will call you tomorrow, hope you are doing great! I replied – kiss you;) The next day he called back and the above conversation happened;))

  230.  #230nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Cateyes here is the link to coaching. If money is tight, get the $20 ebook and come to this blog with any questions.

    you are not a heel…remember what Lone Plum said “men forget” and all the other stuff? I went through the same thing but it was longer. I dated him for nine months and I screwed up so bad, he stayed away for six months. He came back once (but I did not know about Rori then), had one date, I messed up royal and he left. This time he left for a whole year, I never, ever thought he would be back. Now he is back doing stuff I only dreamed of….and I have changed, I struggle a lot and get scared but I have right principles to come back to instead of being lost in a sea of misery and agony endlessly.

    PS to everyone. I was in a noisy restaurant the other night and loudly explaining all the Rori principles to someone, I spouted typical speeches, case scenarios and so forth. I was on a roll!! Suddenly I noticed people leaning in, men looking rather stony faced and women listening wide eyed. I kept it up until I had explained everything at least twice knowing full well people were listening. Heh heh, the guy at the next table gave me evil laser stare all through the evening. Good thing I was wearing my Rori shield.

  231.  #231Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Wow. I feel weird and happy and relieved and dismissed and happy again. In da soup.

    Just got home from dinner with the one guy I’ve seen several times since before Christmas. It’s kind of been a neutral relationship. Just kind of “eh”. Friend zone. I’d been trying to figure out if it was me, aka my fear of intimacy, pushing a “nice guy” into the friend zone or if it just wasn’t there.

    So tonight we talked and HE is feeling unsure about things. And it has to do with him not having children and feeling like the odd man out. Nothing that I’ve done. I just think he wants a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have kids.

    I opened up to him completely and let him know what I was feeling. His response:

    I LOVE how you communicate. You’re so honest and just say what’s on your mind.


    I is a Rori Siren College graduate. Gots my diploma and everything.

    So regardless of how that turned out with him, I feel so happy to know what he thought of me communicating!

    And I’m still going with him to this ball coming up at the end of the month.

    But I feel kind of released about this now. It wasn’t ME. It wasn’t my old friend fear. It just wasn’t right between us. Woot woot!

    Ok, I feel excited. I’m speaking the truth and not blaming him. Fo real y’all! YEAH!

  232.  #232nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Dear Alonka:

    Please google Rori Raye, Toxic Men. Dont wait. I could be wrong but this definitely sounds like it. Dont delay. I feel very uneasy.

    Your response sounds great..but find out from Rori what he is about.

  233.  #233nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Daria!!! You go girl!!!!!!!!!!! WHOWEEE!!

  234.  #234Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    So, Shannon……

    “I opened up to him completely and let him know what I was feeling.”

    WHAT did you say to him? I am always hungry for the graduating sirens’ actually phasing. I just totally get tongue-tied when it’s time to express these feelings things.

  235.  #235Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    LOL! All this talk of cats… just gotta say EWWW. I cannot stand cats. I wonder what part of myself I am rejecting. 😉

    I even told a guy recently that when I saw pictures of him with cats that I feel icky. He kept talking to me for a bit.

    I was bitten by a cat as a child and I have hated cats ever since. They scare me. Even as an adult. Pretty to look at but I don’t want one too close.

    But seriously, when I see a man list cats as a preferred pet… NEXT. LOL!

  236.  #236Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Shannon, that’s “phrasing.”

    I need scripts, woman! I can’t do this alone yet!

  237.  #237Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    oh shannon! i am the same way about cats – they are cute but keep them away from me! in jr high i was scratched by a cat and ended up hospitalized with cat scratch fever… they talked about amputating my arm bc the infection was spreading from my hand and they wanted to prevent it from reaching my brain! luckily the antibiotic kicked in just in time and my arm was saved.

  238.  #238Simply Shannon on February 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Boomer, I said that I don’t feel the level of interest that I expect to feel after seeing someone for awhile. And that I wasn’t sure if it was me pushing him away or if it just wasn’t there between us. That I really didn’t know, and I felt confused. What did he think?

    He pretty much said he didn’t know either. Something was holding him back. And then started talking about the whole kid issue.

    And the thing is that I can’t do anything about that. We’re a package deal. 😉

    We talked about several other things but that was the main issue.

    I’m just not feeling the level of pursuit that I want to feel, and I am totally unattached to the outcome.

    I’ve officially let the ball drop. I will not be picking it back up again. Lean back mode. I’m really practicing now in a way that I haven’t before.

    I don’t feel scared. It’s amazing when you are really trying not to blame someone, when you can see how in your language and your choice of words can blame someone. Just really cool to notice and figure out what you want to say and really see that it’s all ME.

  239.  #239cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 6:45 pm


    Thanks and yes, you are right. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it… yet. 🙂 Consequences, yes but no mistakes… Keep hoping, keep aiming high!

  240.  #240nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    I mean Simply Shannon You go girl!!! WHOWEE!!

  241.  #241SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    @ Nanceen 221, I have glass doors in the shower and they will leap on the door while I’m in thereand slide down the door. The only thing missing is the psycho thriller movie music. First time I nearly jumped out of my skin! lol

    After scaring the bejeesus out of me a few times, I learned to lock the bathroom door before I shower.

    Gotta love ’em.


  242.  #242cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    OH, and I got the ebook… 🙂

  243.  #243Siena on February 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    What a difference a year makes!

    Last year I found Rori right around this time. A man who I adored had just broken up with me (seemingly out of nowhere) and it was the last straw.

    I felt so down, dark, and only a shell of myself! I remember spending last Valentine’s Day totally alone, crying hysterically in my room as I came to terms with the fear that I would end up all alone and never find love. No flowers from anyone… and (especially hurtful) nothing from the man who had just broken up with me.

    After that day (probably one of the darkest in my life), I figured it couldn’t get much worse, so I decided to put away my fear of being alone and focus instead on healing my heart. It took me months of buying myself flowers and manicures, of journaling, drawing and CDing (I think I CD’d around 30 men that Spring) and eventually my heart healed and I found the self-respect that I didn’t have before.

    Now, fast forward 1 year. I just received 3 deliveries of flowers from my man, clients and friends. My entire home is pungent with the fragrance of roses!

    They all came around 45 minutes ago, and were all a surprise!

    And here’s what feels so good — even better than the flowers. Not once during the day did I feel bad that I hadn’t received any flowers… I didn’t even think about it! They all arrived during the final delivery of the day…

    So this post is just to say thank you to Rori and to all the lovely ladies who helped me out then and now.

    I am truly grateful, and today is a beautiful testament to the fact that this Rori stuff DOES work!

    I’m not out of the woods by a long shot (this is a lifelong lesson, I believe).

    But for today I have 4 bouquets of flowers (3 delivered today + 1 I bought for myself the other day) adorning every surface of my home.

    yay! Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! <3 <3 <3

  244.  #244Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    awesome report, shannon. i agree – it is an amazing feeling to transition to not blaming the guy – ever – bc we finally get that it’s all about how we feel and our boundaries and he is free to be whoever he is. it makes a huge difference!

  245.  #245Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Just got off the phone with the new CD. I was definitely NOT in siren mode. He is a slow talker and I am a fast thinker. So, I got so uneasy with the silence that I’d ask a question. Finally, I just said, “So, do you want to get together for coffee or something?” (trying to get off the phone and kicking myself as it came out of my mouth). OMG…being a girl is so much easier when you can hide behind e-mail or text.

    Practice, practice, practice….we’re going to get together this weekend. Three dates this weekend for me!

    I have so much work to do! It’s OK, I think I got triggered because this guy seems to be P (my waning favorite) in a different package. Why do I always jump in to do the work?

    Time to keep on learning and practicing.

  246.  #246SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Okay, So Simply Shannon and Lucy won’t be visiting me anytime soon, but we can still meet for tea in a cat free zone! 😉

    Sorry for carrying on about ’em… hope it’s not too traumatizing for you. I feel equally icky about rats and snakes as pets. My daughter once asked to bring home a pet snake, to which I replied, “over my dead body!”

    “Can’t we discuss this?”

    “Sorry baby, this one is non-negotiable. Absolutely no snakes end of discussion!”


  247.  #247JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    SLV & Daria:

    I did say thank you this morning when he texted me “happy bday”

    I took my teens out to eat at Olive Garden for my bday. Then he texted me on my way home from the restaurant “hey what u doin”. I told him I was pumping gas. And then he told me he just got home from work.

    And that was my Valentines Day and B-day today.
    I’m not happy. I’m angry. I can’t help it. Rori wants us to be true to our feelings and deeply feel them. If he was here with me, I’d either break down and cry or there would be some hostility. I don’t want to lose him. I’m supposed to be happy he even remembered my birthday? I thought men were supposed to be givers.

  248.  #248Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    LG & SLV – you don’t use scoopable because it can stick between their paws and when they lick it to groom themselves, it will clump in their stomach – and maybe really cause problems! I would never chance it! I’m a staunch tidy cat for multi cats…having had up to 6 at one time…

    Yes, Tinque, my 19 year old is my angel, and I’ve no desire for any more cat scooping in this lifetime. I’ve been so lucky! the perfect dog, the perfect cat, the perfect parakeet – so tame his cage fell on the sidewalk and he just waited to be scooped up, so gentle….I have had just SO much love in one lifetime…from everywhere and everyone!

    I received a book today from a complete stranger – well from another forum, and not only did she send the book, she paid $7.00 in postage, and never asked for a thing…

    the kindness of strangers is an amazing thing!

    As is the joy of any kind of love at all…..

    And Ladies, you sound like you’ve all had a good time here today! Yeah!

    AMBER – if you’re around, I love you too!!!!

    By the looks of Krogers and in my experience, V day is the ONE day they never forget…lol…you should have seen the mad dash of men with flowers!

    Yeah for men, and yes – I totally think they should step up; but then I also think reciprocating is a most excellent thing too.

    And my apologies, Kaitlyn, I was just mad at him for you – he may be a great guy. But your continuing to lament your mistake is such a sad feeling for me….

    a lesson to learn is sometimes we do what we do, and then we deal with the consequences. It’s all there is to do. If an apology letter will help, send it, for yourself! Just focus on you, for even a moment, huh?

    And….JenniferW! Happy BIRTHDAY – what’s the rest of the story? I’d feel just like you do, too…even as I tried to re-frame it! Hope it ends happily?

    Love to everyone and yes! to hearts on our sleeves,


  249.  #249Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 6:58 pm


    Thank you. I was thinking about him being ‘toxic’ too. The good news is that we are not in touch anymore after that conversation. I told him that I feel confused and need some time to figure things out when the heat was more than I could handle! And I never contacted him again of course and neither did he.

    The worst part is that he always took me by surprise. Soon after the very first night together he told me that he didn’t feel I was in love with him – and I was crazy about him! Soon after the 2nd night he said that I was more of a party girl and he was looking for someone serious and broke up leaving me standing in the middle of the street – shocked. Needless to say that i am the opposite of a party girl;) Most problems in my life happen because I am way too serious;))

    But in all these 3 nights together he NEVER tried to have real sex with me. Always some excuse and some kind of substitute, but never the real thing.

  250.  #250Alonka on February 14, 2011 at 7:04 pm


    I am not an expert but I’d say that to cry and express how you feel next time you see him – but without blaming – is the good thing to do. Also, was there a reason you said you were pumping gas when you were on your way home with your kids after bday celebration? You didn’t want to tell him that and share your beautiful afternoon?

  251.  #251Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    awwww Jennifer! SOME men are givers….it’s why I put must be generous in my ads….

    I’m sure you’ll get more support, but I’d want to tell HIM my feelings –

    FM: I feel awful! Double whammy day for love today and I felt so unloved…..I’m sad tonite.

    And let it be – whether or not he responds, yes you do have a right to feel your feelings….

    and I say to share them, too…

    but then there is the whole lean back (one of those tools that doens’t work for me, just makes me anxious….smile)


    and you’ve got US! Which is something, yes?!


  252.  #252nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 7:13 pm


    I know what you mean ARRRG!! my bf is the King of those freaking silences. I used to chatter on not even realizing I was nervous and what it communicated to him. One time early in the relationship before I knew any better I asked why he said nothing and he said “oh I am listening.” It took all my self control not to shriek “why dont you give me any feedback.” Another time he said “well I talk all day to people (he is a professor). I said, well treat me like a student, I feel unheard. I like hearing you talk.” I also think it is some kind of ploy on their part, a way to be in charge. Well I worked like crazy not to talk. He would bark at me “Nanceen, Nanceen are you there? Why aren’t you talking?” when I fell silent. Finally I got up the courage to say ‘because I feel weird being the only one talking.” He would act indignant or defensive when I said this. This guy is very stubborn. He would go on incredibly long and one time bragged he was an enigma. In the the end it was worth it outwaiting him because a. you practice “outgirling him” and now he talks a little more. A tiny bit. One time I got pissed and snapped “you know I cant be the only one talking, I would like to hear about you and enigmas bore the sh&^t out of me anyway.” “Like trying to get an egyptian pyramid to talk.” Today I have to wait a long time before he talks and stay very still. He is easily spooked. On the phone I often will simply say (You have to say it slow because I think these silent guys need time to digest what you say) “I need to go and do some stuff, but I am so glad you called.” Nine out of ten time that usually gets him to say what he called for in the first place. Or if he just says bye, realize you put in a positive plug, stood your ground and did not behave like a babbling ninny. I am beginning to realize he is rather a feminine man and I flat out refuse to be a man. He is used to pushy bossy women but when I let him be the man he kind of swells up like an old turkey gobbler.

  253.  #253nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm


    He is flat out freakin’ mean, toxic and bullying. Still read the toxic men stuff…I think you can find out why you stayed with him..that is important too.

    I had this years and years ago…I forgot all about this until I read your post……if he is toxic and you learn about it, you will look back at it and scratch your head in wonder, marveling that you even spent a second with this boy.

  254.  #254Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm


    Thanks! It feels good to know I’m not alone in struggling to be feminine. I believe I’ll get there. I believe it is where I was meant to be and that it has been conditioned out of me. Reconditioning takes time.

  255.  #255JenniferW on February 14, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Alonka, I stopped for gas on my way home from the restaurant.

    A summary of our relationship, he’s about a decade younger than me. When we’re together, sparks fly. We’ve been exclusive about 8 months now. I see him about once a week, he lives an hour away.

    The last time he told me he loved me was 2 months ago.

    I’ve been divorced ten years now and all the other men in my life were really forthcoming about I love yous and most of them were not gift givers.

    Jacqueline, thank you for the FM. I’m going to use it. I bet when I text it to him, I will cry!

  256.  #256nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    JenniferW: Behind the anger is hurt.

    Maybe “I feel glad you remembered my b-day but feel hurt no one gave me a gift,” You are thanking him, expressing hurt but not directing it at him because you use the words “you remembered” and “but no one gave me a gift” See the words? you and no one. He know he is “you” and he is not “no one”. A guy can handle hurt emotions from you better if it is not directed at them, that is, they are not blamed. Even if he is sort of responsible. I tried this with my bf and it did work.

  257.  #257Prairie Girl on February 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    #207 Kaitlyn ” Don’t you think your guy would’ve opened up more if you’d practiced Rori’s tools? ”

    Brace yourself… He’s the one I was the best at doing them with! LOL… He did open up.. he just disappeared w/out goodbye..

    I feel so much what you are describing! Smooth cowboy’s pic is the one on my cell phone under downloads! IDK why my phone does it that way… I’d have to completely delete his pic to not have it there…

    Any pain I feel about him boils down to MY lack of faith that there will ever be anyone else… That is what gives me the punch in the gut… The fear that he was the best/last/only I”ll ever have again…

    When I say that to myself I can intelectually see that it’s not true… but it’s not “reason” we’re dealing with ..

    I have to make myself NOT go to his FB page.. Not go look at/for him… My guy doesn’t post on his so he doesn’t come up on my news feed.. But if he did I’d have to make myself hide him so I didn’t see it…

    It’s like pushing on a scab…you know it’s gonna hurt and slow down the healing…you just got to make yourself stop… “fake it til you make it”..

    What if you really believed there was someone else better out there…. right around the corner… how would you feel?… How would you act? If he was even more sinewy/handsome than non-prince guy… and adored you like you have never been adored…HOw would that feel? He would never not go pick up a present you sent him… he would NEVER want you to feel even for a second that you were not valuable to him…

    If you can drum up even a tiny bit of how good that would feel… then say “thank you” to the Universe.. You will heal. And then the good man will show up and you won’t be able to remember how much you hurt over non-prince guy…

    I tell you this because I’m telling myself that everyday… And almost everyday, I can feel warm and loved and adored.. I don’t have a man/body/face to go with that love, but I just thank the Universe/God for the feeling and, most importantly, how very loved I already am… by my kids, my dog, my friends, my family…

    Remember, you will have to preach this all back to me next time I come on and am despondent and not going on ONE more stinkin date w/one more stinkin man… ok?

    Angels on your body.

  258.  #258Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Jennifer, and if you cry at least you’ll sleep better…..

    so sorry!

  259.  #259Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Prairie Girl –

    I know you were writing to Kaitlyn, but I needed to hear everything that you wrote, above. Just saw that P was on FB…which means that he saw me (if he had his chat window open, and I don’t know either way), but he didn’t make any sort of contact. Pffft.

    He wrote a generic, “Happy Valentine’s Day” on his status, but I’m not going to ‘like’ it or comment. That wasn’t directed at me.

    Breathe, breathe….and stop stalking!

  260.  #260Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Pamelala! OMG! Yes! A new CD called me tonight. He’s a few years younger than I am, about 36, so, ya know, an adult. He absolutely could not find his words and he repeatedly GIGGLED. Giggled! It was so unnerving! There were these long, dead silences, which I hate, and I did not know what to do. But I held strong, and eventually he talked, but I could not understand half of it through the incessant giggling.

    I felt so terrible for him, but also supremely turned off.


  261.  #261Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    i feel kinda angry. i know a lot of great men who love their women but feel a bit lost when it comes to things like valentine’s day. they don’t know what they are “supposed to do” and some feel afraid that no matter what they do it won’t be enough or “the right thing.” so some of them don’t do anything bc they feel paralyzed by the expectations. It would feel good to me to see women really appreciating that they have a man who cares for them and is doing his best to love -bc we are all always doing our best

  262.  #262Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    OMG Boomer! I’m glad you were able to be strong and not give in to the silences. It’s so HARD!!! When, oh when, will Mr. Right fall in my lap?!

    Three dates this weekend and I am majorly struggling with body image issues. A siren knows she is beautiful, no matter her size. I need to get there by Friday afternoon…by tomorrow morning.

    I want to write on my profile. “Did you see that I am a full-figured girl? If you have a problem with that, don’t contact me. If you don’t, then let’s just skip the e-mails and phone calls and skip straight to meeting in person, d*mn it!”

  263.  #263Prairie Girl on February 14, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    #259 Pamela

    You know what they say “we teach that which we most need to learn”….. true story… I need it! LOL

    You hit it on the head for me tonight… I had my first phone call w/Lawman cowboy… yes he called lol… and I just couldn’t make myself wait out the silences like I should… On a positive note… I didn’t babble and try and fill the space… but man he triggers me in weird ways… making me feel insecure about my body and yet wanting to “throw him in a cage”…

    Yep I have much to learn…

    Oh and I just moved from Colorado!

    Angels on your body.

  264.  #264Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Nanceen…oh heck no, girl, you did not just say these things!!!

    “Or if he just says bye, realize you put in a positive plug, stood your ground and did not behave like a babbling ninny. I am beginning to realize he is rather a feminine man and I flat out refuse to be a man. He is used to pushy bossy women but when I let him be the man he kind of swells up like an old turkey gobbler.”

    Babbling Ninny!!! Yes, that is me! I am finding it so hard to let there be silence. And how does he swell up? That is some awesome writing, Nanceen! You are cracking me up!

  265.  #265Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Bachelor fans? Finally, Brad makes the decision I’ve been waiting for him to make…sending home the most masculine bachelorette confirms that what RR says is true. He kept the ones who shared their feelings. Whew….so glad.

  266.  #266Prairie Girl on February 14, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    #262 Pamela… OMG the body thing me too!!!!

    Lawman said he once dated a “big” girl and just wasn’t attracted. I said how big… He named my jeans size… I said buddy that’s my jean size… you might just oughtta move on… He wanted to talk though he said he didn’t think there were coincedences and that we might have some reason to have met… LMAO!

    We had a really interesting conversation… I was really up front… but inside skitzy and scattery… He was attracted to me from my pics and talking but I felt insecure and it made me feel… needy.. grabby… icky…

    whew… glad I got my homework over for the night… wonder what tomorrow’s lesson will be…lol


  267.  #267Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Guess who I got a beautiful Valentine’s Day card from??


    Thank you sooooo much, Lucy! It really means a lot, and you really helped make my day!

  268.  #268cateyes3 on February 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm


    So agree with that! Should have happened last time when she was showing her true colors… Plain as day! 🙂

  269.  #269Winnie on February 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    261: Lucy says:
    ” i know a lot of great men who love their women but feel a bit lost when it comes to things like valentine’s day. they don’t know what they are “supposed to do” and some feel afraid that no matter what they do it won’t be enough or “the right thing.” so some of them don’t do anything bc they feel paralyzed by the expectations.”

    I agree Lucy, I’m so glad I’m not a guy on Valentine’s Day! I am CD’ing a few guys at the moment but not in a steady relationship with any of them, so it would have felt weird to me to get valentine’s msgs from any of them. One CD did send a few texts late last night (it’s the 15th now) It was a lovely surprise, as we’re not in regular contact. Very casual msgs, but I appreciated them as it showed I was on his mind on VDay without putting any pressure on things.

  270.  #270Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    #266 – PG…the body thing. Whoa. I have had that very same occurrence with men regarding the “I dated a fat girl once” thing. And I’m bigger. I have been very honest about my shape–and I’ve just lost about 20 pounds with another 20 to go. I am “curvy,” but very petite. Some men still feel duped by my pretty face when they see that I am not a stick-chick. Now, some men…in fact, MANY men…like a curvy woman, and that’s nice. But so many more need a skinny woman. And that’s not me, even when I am in great shape.

    Even though I have a ways to go, even the partial weight loss has made me feel like I’m the hottest thing out there – the total “shiznit!” Sexy is an attitude, PG! Own it!

  271.  #271Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    ummmm….would you please say what size that is? Cuz I’ve had the same issue! at 5’8″ and my friend says it doesn’t show in my face – I’ve had guys balk at a size fourteen!!! And I can see how that would’ve thrown you off in the convo…

    Lucy – My feeling message didn’t blame anyone, it just said she felt unloved and sad. There’s no stock receipe for making someone feel loved, and I for one am not downing on guys for it – it’s easy to say I care, as you obviously did for Brenda.

    And if I were cd’ng, heck yes! I’d EXPECT to get a Happy Valentine’s day text, call, whatever, and I’d want to give one! And in this lean back world, we have to wait to get one to give one, yes???

    Expecting is a big subject, but say one year I got 50 roses for my 50th birthday and it was amazing…until I realized that that was my present. then it was what a wast of money, to me….

    We can tell ourselves, will ourselves, etc. not to expect…but that doesn’t mean we can stop ourselves. Yes, giving to ourselves or our friends is great – but I repeat I have NEVER known a man who
    didn’t “get” the Valentine’s thing…

    Even my boyfriend in my 20’s who was pretty abusive – flowers came every year – no man alive doesn’t get it’s a day for romance.

    And yeah, if they don’t buy into the commercialization and hey! they made last week more special than Christmas, good for them! But do you want to have hurt feelings over something so easily done? If you really look here, the expectations weren’t so high.

    I got two roses and some chores; I wish I’d of gotten a card. I’m fine with it, and as I said felt a lot of love all day…but what we picture love as, is what we picture love as.

    I feel kind of angry that I’m being made wrong for wanting what I want from a man. Two ways to be happy: expect nothing, or get what you want. Who gets to say which is better? Cuz ummm…I remember a heck of a lot of talk about getting “crumbs,” so there had to be some expectations somewhere – and they’re only bad today, six month’s later?

    I expect to be loved and to be shown I’m loved, bottom line from my friends, from my family and from my boyfriend! And I love it when it’s also from random strangers, too. Smile….

    In a lol way….

    Nite everyone!


  272.  #272Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Just received an e-mail from my phone CD tonight…”Just a quick note to let you know that I enjoyed speaking with you onight. I look forward to seeing you this weekend. Happy Valentine’s Day!”

    That helped settle my self-flogging a bit. I sure hope he talks more in person when he can see the physical leaning back.

    Watched Commitment Blueprint this weekend and when Rori is talking about flirting with the butcher, standing there in RR Dance pose and she says, “Have an orgasm if you want to. He won’t know!” LOL This is the attitude I’m going to have on our date to try and shift the energy. 🙂

  273.  #273SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Pam @ 272, I don’t have the program, but think I will invest during the V-Day special…. but I’m left thinking of the restaurant scene from the movie, When Harry Met Sally…. um… I’ll have what she’s having!


  274.  #274Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 8:36 pm


    I gave it a try at the seafood counter at Whole Foods tonight…breathing from your pelvis, expanding your vagina….I have yet to perfect the mental manifestation of an orgasm though. The cute young guy at the seafood counter was surprisingly attentive though! 🙂

    Give it a shot!

  275.  #275Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    OMGosh…just did my nightly tarot readings…and two different readings said I’d be getting married!

    are they craaaaazzzzy???? got. to. be.


    committment phobe high degree of difficulty siren

  276.  #276Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    wow jacqueline no one was making you wrong… wow. not sure what you’re talking about with the six months later thing either. personally, i don’t “expect” to be loved – i just AM loved and i receive it. no need for expectations (for me). (btw it’s pretty common for abusive men to be super-good at giving flowers, oh yes! – they know how to play the game. not dissing them – it’s part of their defenses and pain – and we all have our “garbage.”

  277.  #277SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    How I spent my Valentines Day….

    My guy did not acknowledge it in any way shape or form. He did, however, text me repeatedly throughout the day. Asked about me, let me know what was going on in his world, seemed attentive.
    I did not bring up the holiday, as we have only been seeing each other since early december and I feel certain he doesn’t want to rush with commitments.

    So, when I started feeling bad about it, I reminded myself it’s just another day, and feeling bad isn’t going to change a thing… SOOOOOOOO….

    I went out and bought myself some music and some chocolate and then tonight I bought some groceries and made myself shrimp scampi. Then I burned a cd with some of my favorite music selections, including some cuts from the new music I bought. I went in the living room, drew the drapes closed and turned on the music and danced and danced and danced…

    While I was dancing, my guy sent a text to ask what I was up to. I told him I was dancing my heart out. He said Great! When I was done, I ate an orange, instead of the fattening sugary treat I had in mind. I feel great, like I honored and loved myself and I have no animosity or disappointment toward him, because maybe he is just not a card and gift kinda guy?

    He compliments me and treats me nice. I will just wait and see what surprises are in store for me. And I have to say, focusing on me and what I could do to make me happy today felt great… why don’t I do this more often? Indeed, that is something I have complete control over!

    Happy Valentines Day! I feel good, It was a great day.


  278.  #278Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 8:51 pm


    The way I read the messages earlier is that you be thankful for what you receive. That way, they will learn what makes you happy. Having expectations (he should rent a limo, buy me two dozen long stem roses and take me to X restaurant) sets the man up for failure. If you are happy with what you get (no limo, a single red rose, and dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date…for example). Lets him know that he is not a failure and you are not impossible to please. In this way, he is drawn toward you instead of pushed away.

    Of course, if the limo, roses and X restaurant are something that you need…you are certainly free to need that.

    I’m just trying to understand along with everyone else and it helps me to write out my understanding. Thanks for letting me process ‘out loud.’

  279.  #279Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    What a beautiful Valentine’s Day, SummerBaby! Hmmm, now I just wanna dance! 🙂

  280.  #280Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    summerbaby! i feel Great reading that! thank you! that’s what rori is talking about – your love for yourself, your appreciation for your man, your lack of neediness pulling on him – your ability to take care of yourself and love yourself – Very attractive to a man! whew, that really raises your vibe and makes a man feel SAFE with you! brava!

  281.  #281SummerBaby on February 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Pam, Rock on!

    Oh, AND I bought a ticket to See Train in concert this summer – with family. Yay!


  282.  #282Jacqueline on February 14, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Pamelala – great take on it! And, still, I would not have picked 50 roses for my present….but yeah, I did appreciate it. Smile…thanks for feedback.

    Lucy, sometimes I am frustrated because we are so different – there were major why do we accept crumb convos here a few months ago, as if or in we can and should expect better. but if you have no expectations, that’s great for you – I just felt made wrong because I do have expectations.

    Actually, I’ll go way out there and say if my man doesn’t let me know I am loved, in a way I can hear it, feel it and acknowledge it….it doesn’t make any difference at all if he does love me. How would I know?


    And maybe he was a great manipulator, but men get the Valentine’s thing, no way I’ll ever believe any different.

    It’s all good, tho – and hooray summerbaby! for you; and for me, I really had 0 expectations to be honest, I even said do not! spend money on flowers, I’d rather buy trees and plant em…

    so I’m holding out for trees.

    Thanks everyone for being here and being YOU!

  283.  #283nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    Wow, Pamelala

    Put that right on your profile, it was great!!!

    Boomer, that silence thing is the hardest and the more I think about it, the more I think it must be sort of a control thing, but also I think they are really not used to talking at all. like the tinman in the wizard of oz when Dorothy found him and he first talked. It took me over forty years to figure out his first word was oil. I am not kidding. When my bf does talk it is kind of halting sometimes. One time we were in the car on a long drive. I decided I had had enough of trying to talk, I was fed up. I was out of phony sparkle and effing embarassed to death by some of the stuff I have ended up confessing and blabbing, like some kind of bloody prisoner squealing on a torture rack. After about an hour of silence, seriously, he began to get antsy and mumbled what is wrong. I didnt have an answer because I wanted to blurt out “I would like to kill you.” So I held on for a minute and out of no where, coyly batted my eyelashes and said sassy like” I am just basking in your presence, my lord.” He laughed but looked pleased. Gradually (over the next few months) I began to relax when he was so silent in the car and even daydream and forget he was there. I would turn my body away and gaze out the window and after awhile he would start poking me. I also had to say one million times to myself, it is not your fault. Now he will talk a little and I will joke back or just go hmmm. He also will turn on his phone and download funny radio shows for us to listen to. I always say “oh cool I like that” or some appreciation. Another thing I do (and this has to be real not fake) is when there is too much silence I began to hum this horrible whiny high pitched tune, like a witch singing “yi yi yi” . I make faces out the window and sing to cars passing by. The first time he heard it, he was startled and said what is that! and WHAT are you doing? I told him it was my road song and it is my duty to cheer up passing motorists. He thinks I am very funny now.

  284.  #284Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    OMG, Nanceen…you are hilarious.

    ” I was out of phony sparkle and effing embarassed to death by some of the stuff I have ended up confessing and blabbing, like some kind of bloody prisoner squealing on a torture rack.”

    this is exactly how I felt after my phone call tonight….sheesh.

  285.  #285Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Pamelala @ 272

    “He won’t know”

    Hmmm – if I followed Rori’s advice here, to have an orgasm while out food shopping, everyone would know, unfortunately, or fortunately. Or embarassingly!

    Or is that just me??!!

    Wish I knew how to the emoticon with wide staring eyes!!!

  286.  #286Sweetpea on February 14, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    My Valentine’s Day gift to me was to give myself a mani/pedi and now I have this awesome mask on my face. Before that I went for a 3 hour shopping spree with my friend/sister. That felt kinda maddening because she’s a little slow moving today due to some meds she’s on, but it was fun even though we spent an hour in the mouth care/hair care aisles.

    Today has been an awesome day and I feel happy about it. The hot new guy – I’ll call him HNG I met Thursday talked yesterday about getting together tonight. I was prepared to be surprised, but at the same time almost hoping he wouldn’t. I don’t know if he realized yesterday that today is Valentine’s Day and told my friend if he actually followed through I might just fall head over heels for him. LOL! Well….maybe not that but I sure would feel impressed. No fear of falling too soon though, he never called. And I feel pretty dang good about it.

    I don’t need a man feel good. Not even on Valentine’s Day. I make myself feel good. And THAT, I believe, is the point of this exercise. I feel aMAzing!

  287.  #287Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    hmm i feel weird and icky. i don’t want to debate. i feel glad that i have learned to see feel and receive love even when it comes in unfamiliar or unconditioned forms. i feel open to receiving love from men in all the different ways men love. i feel grateful for the love i received from men today. i feel happy that i am no longer needy. i love men and feel proud of them for loving so courageously.

  288.  #288Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    OK, so a weirrrrrrrd end to my V-Day.

    Another CD–KayakGuy (NOT one of the Sean/Shaun/Shawns)–is IMing me during a kidney stone attack. I feel waaaaay uncomfortable. He says it’s helping him not think of the pain. He is on webcam (I am not), and he is SCREAMING in pain. And he drank a bottle of wine to manage the pain (says doctor told him to do it). Whattttt???? I am uncomfortable and tired.

    I am telling him I am going to bed.

    Wow. Weird.

  289.  #289nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Pamelala (that name is so cool) and boomer

    Dont give up….stay silent. I know sitting there for 10,000 years is tough. Pull out your makeup mirror, fiddle with your face, pick up a newspaper, be in a swivel chair and turn away. Do it slow and casual. It will help relax you. If you are trapped at a table, lean back, count ceiling tiles, check fingernails, run to ladies room, pick up menu and read. Do it relaxed and try one of those Rori daydream tools. If he asks what are you doing, just say “I thought you were done talking.” Thats honest. He did stop talking.

    I used to frantically search in my head and scrape up something to say and usually the stupidest thing came out. I got so bad (this was two years ago) and nervous once I even told him how old I was when I started my period. And I dont even have ’em anymore. I am a mature woooman!! I wanted to DIEYIEYIE!! I called my sister at her work and begged her to kill me. She agreed I needed a merciful death and came over later on with Popeye’s fried chicken and Wendy’s chocolate frosty’s.

    LonePlum says guys forget things. I guess he did because I am still with him.

  290.  #290Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Boomer…agreed. Weird….and awkward.

  291.  #291Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    sweetpea, feels good to read! 🙂

  292.  #292LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    210: nanceen

    ***Me: Sorry that the care isn’t running good. Can I ask a very blunt question? (Instead say, I feel rather hurt and disappointed I have not seem much of you lately, then be quiet) ***

    He did not lie to her to become sexual, or to become anything or to convince her to do anything
    They are only dating respecting each other’s pace, and it has only been a month.
    He can’t possibly make her feel hurt. That would be blaming and not true.
    When we hurt in such circumstances, it is about ourselves and the crazy expectations we put on a simple date, in hope to cover our wounds.

    Also I think that feeling disappointed already after only a month is putting rules on the dating with this man. I fear he might take it as a pressure too.
    The guy is phoning or texting, he does it to feel good with us, not to be lectured and to hear we feel disappointed. Not after a month.

    This is just dating, he phones when he feels like it.
    We answer happily the phone, because it could be him or another date, it is the same, they are all nice fellows and we like socializing with all.
    We don’t feel resentful after a week of silence, because we have been busy speaking to others and because he does not owe us anything.

    Being disappointed after a month for a skipped week end is needy and clingy.
    Men don’t want to take that aboard in their life.
    They are looking for a woman to feel happy and joyful with, and free.
    We probably feel disappointed because we don’t handle our expectations very well, I know, yet we know it is not about him but about us and we give him a break.

    We can keep trying to have what we want by already having a date with somebody else.
    But blaming him for not matching our expectations does not make sense and pushes him away.
    He is free to do what he wants and to have his own expectations.

    Be careful with this “I feel hurt” messages. I would not use them.
    Why would a man call me again if I tell him he hurts me, already the second month? He does not want to hurt me, he will stay away from me.

    Be careful with these “I feel deceived” messages
    Why would a man call me if I tell him he is a failure?

    If you had plans and he postponed them, you can say “I felt so excited to do such and such with you, I was looking forward to it, and now I feel so disappointed bla bla bla”

    But without any previous plan, and within the second month of dating, he is not deceiving when he does not call. He is just living his life his own pace.
    *WE* feel deceived, but it has nothing to do with him. It has to do with our life where there is nobody yet to be with us every day.


  293.  #293Pamelala on February 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Nanceen! I am laughing hysterically…seriously. LOLing as I sit here alone in the livingroom. Oh my goodness, I admire your courage to tell that story. 🙂

    Note to self….no talking about menses while you’re on a date. Hopefully that note will stick, but I’m afraid that it will be on the forefront of my mind and something will come spilling out…”So, I was 12 when I first got my period…how old were you when you had your first wet dream?”


  294.  #294Boomer on February 14, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Ack! He begged me not to sign off. I do not even know this man! One phone call before tonight. Wow. I feel…kinda dirty, actually. Oog!

    Nanceen, thanks for the courage. I am a nattering monkey sometimes. Quiet is just so….ick…quiet!

  295.  #295Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    I feel heart broken. My dog ran off tonight and it’s cold and rainy and dark and I feel sooo worried about him.

    I’m trying to stay positive. To visualize his happy shining face. To feel the joy of seeing him run up.

    I’m trying to stop any visualizations I have of him tht don’t feel good. I see him happy and having fun and coming home safe.

    I want to see his healthy happy face.
    I want to feel him.
    I want to see him.

    Omg I’m trying to attract a man! A canine man.

    How do I get into the right vibe to attract him home.

    I don’t want to worry. I want to relax knowing he is safe.

    Stop sign. Maybe I’ll try that when worrisome thoughts creep up.

  296.  #296Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    RE: #283 – I really enjoyed reading that post about dealing with the silence! LOL!

    What I picked up on the blog was to say honestly, “I feel uncomfortable with the silence”, and just stay silent thru the weirdness, letting him get the conversation rolling.

    What do you think?

  297.  #297Nikita on February 14, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Aaaw 🙁

    I hope he’s home by morning….do you have a grill? Maybe of you barbecued his nose would lure him home?

  298.  #298Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    ohh LG… praying for your doggie’s safe return. <3

  299.  #299Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm


    RE: #286 – That sounds fantastic! Yay for you! Nice change of pace!

    Does “HNG” stand for “hung”? LOL! 😆

  300.  #300Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm


    RE: #288 – My exhusband had kidney stones, and he suffered badly with them. A friend of mine told me they are the only thing she knows of more painful than childbirth!

  301.  #301nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Boomer and Pamelaa, I am screaming with laughter, “nattering monkey” a post it note “no talking about menses while you’re on a date”

    I think I am getting tired and punchy, I am on the east coast. Sometimes writing funny stuff helps so much, when I was going through it I cried constantly but writing about it later and making you guys crack up feels great. Even I laughed.

    Silence from them, why does it cause so much turmoil..Is it because it is a form of communication? Communication that says “I will keep you guessing and unsure?” Roar back in your head “NO you will not, I am going to focus on something else right now.” Get yourself distracted and his silence will not have a target.
    Oh Boomer, the dude guzzling booze with kidney stones? Can you block that number? But before you do, tell him to go to the emergency room.

  302.  #302Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm


    RE: #289 – “I called my sister at her work and begged her to kill me. She agreed I needed a merciful death and came over later on with Popeye’s fried chicken and Wendy’s chocolate frosty’s.”

    LOL! What excellent writing! Are you a writer, like Boomer? Love it!

  303.  #303Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Oh, Valentine’s Day is really a trigger, isn’t it? Mine was very mixed, and quite awful in parts.

    I felt, and still feel, rageful at my soon-to-be-Ex-Husband . . . nothing new, just that I’m feeling it more and more (and need to). Felt, and feel very upset and angry at the way he never really ‘saw’ me, or ‘got’ me. At the way he tried to make me fit into the mould of his ideal woman, rather than see me and like me as ‘me.’

    And I’m so angry WITH MYSELF at how I went along with it for so long, for the sake of staying married, in the belief that I wouldn’t survive as divorced.

    Real, screaming, red-hot rage keeps bubbling up. Tried to follow RR’s suggestion to send it a Valentine – managed to love it and be glad it’s finally spurting out all over. I needs to feel this, though it’s very hard . . .

    My most attentive CD (LD) sent a very sweet Valentine’s Day text in the evening, with apologies for not sending it earlier in the day. And here I have a confession to make . . I mailed him a card on Saturday, cos I like him, and over here, a card is often sent between people who are getting to know each other (we have a date planned for 2 weeks time).

    Yes, I know, leaning forward, leaning forward. And then I feel so STUPID FOR LEANING FORWARD when he hasn’t sent me a card. I FEEL STUPID AND EMBARRASSED. He didn’t mention anything yesterday – it may have got delayed a day in the post, but – now he will feel wrong-footed when it arrives.

    Yes, I am beating myself up. STILL. The next day.

    And somehow I have to deal with soon-to-be-Ex-husband coming here today, for us to divide up the smaller contents of the marital home (bigger stuff already agreed), he stays over, then the removal men take all his stuff (and hopefully some of his vibe) away with them on Wednesday.

    We’ve been keeping it very ‘amicable’, mostly, when we have to be together. I hate rows and fights, find them traumatic. But it is SO STRESSFUL having to be in the same room as him, and talk about things.

    When I feel this stressed, my Siren vibe goes missing. At Salsa class yesterday, several guys said I felt very tense. Correct! And I kept leaning forward, even asked one guy to dance. Stupid. Tried to advise another on something that would help. Stupid.

    Is there a link between feeling really stressed, and leaning forward? There is for me. Maybe I should just avoid men when I feel this bad. And here’s me feeling so judgmental to myself for not leaning back. I don’t know what to do about this. I can’t see myself getting unstressed until Ex-Husband and his stuff have gone.

    I feel terrible, and can’t do anything but feel it. And feeling it, isn’t, so far, getting me to a different place. Just more of the same . . . going on too long, sorry.

  304.  #304Eternity on February 14, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    292 Lone Plum

    Your posts make so much sense to me. My dating nerves calm after reading them. Thank you.

  305.  #305nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm


    That is true, it is one thing you can do, tough out the silence. Might be the most effective too. It was so freaky to me. I had never, ever had a man do that. And another thing with this man, I have had more success just being a certain way (relaxed, enthused etc.) than I have with speeches. In fact can only think of one or two small speeches that were effective. Maybe these guys are more into actions speak louder than words.

    I think I could joke around because I had been with him awhile.

  306.  #306Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Pamelala and Nanceen,

    RE: #293 – Let me tell you one of my life’s most embarrassing moments…

    I was a lifeguard at a town park lake from ages 16-18. Sometime during my second summer, with mostly the same group of 9 lifeguards, I was playing backgammon and cards with a few of the lifeguards.

    I had just gotten out of the water, and I forgot that I had my period and a now-wet pad on, when I sat on the offered towel of a lifeguard, Mark.

    When I got up, there was a big, diluted red splotch on his towel! I apologized up and down, reaching for the towel. He maturely said, “Don’t worry about it”, and he nonchalantly walked to the lake and rinsed it out! Aaaah!

  307.  #307Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    about silence … i usually feel uncomfortable with it too BUT when i was with WH on our one and only but very long date, i felt perfectly comfortable peaceful calm joyful during the silences… it just felt like we were basking in each other’s presence… and it makes me wonder Why silences felt good with him when they don’t with other men. any insight into that, girls?

  308.  #308Sweetpea on February 14, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Lucy, Re: 291:

    Thank you! It feels good to me, too. I love it when I see progress. And every time I look at my french manicured fingernails (very shiny – they almost look acrylic) and my sparkly, cherry red toes, I feel good all over again. For the next few days, I suspect every time I see my nails, I will feel good all over again.

    And one of these days, I will see HNG again; b/c I still have his Tiffany & Co. ring. LOL! Still not sure why he gave it to me, but I feel smiley. 😀

  309.  #309Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:12 pm


    I enjoy the intimacy of silence when I feel accepted by a man!

    One night Ryan and I were laying on our sides, heads propped up on elbows and hands. One of the most meaningful, romantic moments of my life, as we lay like that, was the approximate 20-30 minutes I spent silently gazing at Ryan while he gazed at me throughout more than half of a romantic Michael Bolton album!

    It felt beautiful, delicious, and I didn’t want it to end!

    In a context like that, silence = intimacy!

    I live for intimate moments!

  310.  #310Sweetpea on February 14, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Brenda, Re: 299

    Lol! That remains to be seen. Maybe. When and if I feel like checking. Lmao. You have penis on the brain.

  311.  #311Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:16 pm


    RE: #295 – So sorry…please let us know when you find him. I will worry until I know. That is such a horrible feeling! I prayed for him!

    I have lost dogs before, and my best advice is to look as soon as you can, because you’ll have the best chance of finding him. And to ask everyone you can find in the neighborhood. Sometimes a sighting can direct you to where he is…it happened for me once. And call the police, pound, etc, etc, just get the word out! 🙁

  312.  #312Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    @285: Lorelei says:

    “…Wish I knew how to the emoticon with wide staring eyes!!!…”

    colon shock colon with no spaces
    : shock : = 😯


  313.  #313nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 10:17 pm


    Is there a link between feeling really stressed, and leaning forward? Wow that is good, that must be true.

    Also about the rage. Write down everything, hold nothing back. It may take will get a bit of relief, maybe only an hour at first but it will help. I went through similar circumstance. Write letter after leffer, not in email, just like you are truly going to send them…and pretend he will finally understand them when he reads them and finally you get to speak the truth. Explain exactly where he went wrong, what he should of done..You wont be sending them. Also write some real forgiving ones…let it all go, bless him, then when the anger comes back up, write another letter blasting the anger you feel. When you dont feel like writing, reread them…you will end up editing and adding to them…I did tons of this and carefully saved them on my computer..came back to them over and over..they were valuable to me, they were some kind of strength, they were my voice, they were my truth…but after a long time they gradually ceased to be valuable…I dont know if you have lived long enough to have experienced that but today those letters seems flat, distant and like it happened to somone else. Just be very careful they are never seen or sent…Dont write them in email!!

  314.  #314Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    brenda, so you think the silences felt good bc he was accepting of me?

  315.  #315Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm


    RE: #301 – You said, “Silence from them, why does it cause so much turmoil..Is it because it is a form of communication? Communication that says “I will keep you guessing and unsure?” ”

    Yes, it is a powerful form of communication. It can mean different things in different contexts. When you’re waiting for a letter from someone you love, and they don’t write you for a month…or six months, silence screams, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!” In that context, it is a shitty form of communication, in my book.

    If you ask a question, and a man answers with silence, it screams, “None of your business!”

    If a man calls you and leads you to believe he will call the next day, or the next hour, or whatever, and then doesn’t, silence can feel like a knife twisting in your heart.

    Silence before a declaration of love gives it far more emphasis and power.

    I much prefer the message of silence in togetherness, intimacy, gazing, loving, accepting.

  316.  #316Gina on February 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Oh my I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and slapped in the face, to not be acknowledged by D on Valentines Day. Oh this feels so awful so awful. I’m so sad and mad and dissappointed. It feels like literal punching pain. So disrespected and I feel angry. Rori, I feel angry like feelings are like what got me into this mess. And I’m probably wrong, but I do, I do feel angry about focusing on feelings, because my feelings want him even though he’s been bad. And my mind knows better. And you probably told me how to use my mind appropriately right, but right now I can only recall that I’m supposed to follow my feelings. And I thought my feelings had taken me to an amaziing place. I had great sex with D twice and we had intimate conversations. But then he sent me utterly boring texts last night about his day, and today he didn’t even acknowledge me. And I feel awful and I realize that I did this to myself. And I refuse to beat myself up. I love how I know I deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

  317.  #317nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm


    The towel story… WOW…totally vulnerable and he did not freak out..that was pretty funny, he went and rinsed it out…this would be a good man during a major illness..

  318.  #318Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Simply Shannon @ 238

    Thanks for mentioning the “let the ball drop” tool. Even feeling very stressed, I can do that. I can do that.

    Let the ball drop re my v-day lean forward with CD disaster. And let the ball drop re my Ex being here today and tomorrow to divide the spoils.

    I am not responsible for Ex’s feelings. I do not feel responsible for keeping things “amicable” with Ex.

    Double bind with Ex. I feel scared that if I do not keep it amicable with Ex, that he will punish me by making the rest of the divorce harder. So I feel I have to go on being “nice.” Yuk. Yuk.

    I want to be horrible to him. I want to be my ‘stranger’ with him. But if I do . .then the divorce could get more and more stressful. I’m repeating my self. But it is a circular double bind.

    But today, I will drop the ball, all the balls (as it were). And try not to pick them up again.

  319.  #319Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:26 pm


    Re: #310 – LOL! Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas. Boys like to stick their penises in girls’ vaginas! 😆

  320.  #320Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    SLV @ 312

    Just practicing:


  321.  #321Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    @292 LonePlum

    “…they are all nice fellows and we like socializing with all….”:

    “Socializing”, that’s what I do. 😀


  322.  #322Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Yes, 😯

    I intend to drop the ball of relationship with Ex.

    I intend to drop the ball of whatever it is with all CD’s.

    So that i will shock 😯 myself

  323.  #323Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:29 pm


    RE: #314 – Yes. what do you think?

  324.  #324Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I meant so that I will NOT shock myself 😯

  325.  #325Senior Lady Vibe on February 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    @295: Laughing Goddess

    I hope your dog found his way home by now. If not, I’d go looking for him. In the past I’ve been fortunate with my dog getting lost and somebody picking him up and calling me the next day. Do you have your name/number on him?


  326.  #326nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 10:32 pm


    I love to write, never did anything with it really but love words!!! you are not the first person saying that…

  327.  #327Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Some balls are good for dropping.

    Some balls are good for fondling. 😯

  328.  #328Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:35 pm


    Me, too! One of my goals is to author at least one book!

  329.  #329Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    brenda, yes that seems to fit. it felt really good. Lorelei, i am currently going thru divorce negotiations too but i have really embraced rori’s non-blaming feeling messages in my interactions with him and the results are AMAZING. I just can’t believe how different the rori raye way is compared with my previous interactions with him. In that respect, it is partly my responsibility to keep things amicable – by expressing my authentic vulnerable feelings to him all along the way. one of the main feelings i d

  330.  #330Sweetpea on February 14, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Brenda, Like I said, penis on the brain. 😯 /:)
    :raised eyebrow: (Just experimenting with the emoticons – seeing what works).

  331.  #331nanceen on February 14, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Lone Plum:

    I did not realize she had only been dating him a month. I thought it was much longer.

  332.  #332Sweetpea on February 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Good night, Sirens. Happy V Day to all!

  333.  #333Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Nanceen @ 313

    Thanks – as I reflect on it, I realise that for me there really is a link between feeling stressed and leaning forward. I am trying to ignore or manage or deny or control my stressiness by leaning forward . . . so I need better de-stressing tools, or to use the tools earlier to de-stress . .

    And thanks for the post on unsent letters to deal with rage. I have lived long enough to know that if I get it all out, it will lose it’s power over me. But i just have to do it (again).

    And thanks for the convo on silence, also. Silence IS communcation, but I probably sometimes misinterpret it as a something when it is more of a nothing. Silence may not always be the big deal we think it is?

    I need a man who will both talk and listen AND sometime allow good, relaxed, safe silence. That is what I want!

  334.  #334Lucy on February 14, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    discovered underneath all my defenses was Fear. and as i have expressed that with an open heart, he has heard me and is doing his best to take care of me. amazing.

  335.  #335Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Brenda @ 327

    “Some balls are good for dropping.

    Some balls are good for fondling. ”

    Yes!!! You really do have it on the brain!!!

  336.  #336Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Lucy @ 329/ 334

    Thank you for suggestions . .

    i will try some non-blaming FM’s today and tomorrow . . . but i feel scared, cos when i started using FM’s within the marriage, before it broke down, my husband often turned them against me, blamed me for feeling that way, told me off for feeling that way (“you have no reason to feel that way”) or got defensive (“it’s not my fault you feel that way, you’re just choosing to feel that way”). So I don’t have high hopes that this will have changed, now we are in the middle of a divorce. Many things that were difficult then, just feel magnified and exaggerated now . . .

    But non-blaming is good . . . .

  337.  #337Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Lucy – and yes, I feel both very angry (at all the insults, all the putdowns, all the rejections of me when I was being authentic . . . so for me, at the moment, it is anger that underlies my reactions to Ex. But there is also fear – I feel fear of how I will manage on my own . . . . . (though not as much as before I found the Sirens and Rori).

    Thanks everyone – just knowing you are here, and practicing the tools and learning, really helps.

  338.  #338T-Girl on February 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    I just had a nice surprise and a perfect way to end an otherwise nonexistent Valentine’s Day. A guy who I haven’t seen since just before Christmas who I really fell for…who just kind of slipped away and hasn’t contacted me in about 3 weeks….texted me Happy Valentine’s Day!! What a nice surprise. I have been leaning back doing the no contact thing and IT WORKED!! Let’s hope I hear from him again!

  339.  #339Brenda on February 14, 2011 at 10:55 pm


    My friendship with my exhusband has existed for 11 years – we’ve been divorced 5 years. So it has been a challenge shifting my communication style with him, also (we are still good friends).

    Once my therapist explained that when we change, toxic people in our relationships try to fill the vacuum that creates by trying to hold us in the toxic position we used to fill.

    So when Kenny resists my feeling messages, pretty much by ignoring them or saying, “What about how I feel?”, I just keep repeating, “I feel shut down.” I feel unheard.” “I feel turned off.” over and over.

    At first he kept resisting, calling me a control freak. Now he is accepting my change. I believe he is seeing that I now have boundaries firmly – and healthily! – in place!

    What do you think/feel?

  340.  #340Lori on February 14, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    I went out and bought myself a necklace and earrings for Vday even though I make jewelry as a side business. I just felt like treating myself. Within minutes of doing that, my phone started ringing off the hook all night. They really do sense it when our vibe is on ourselves. It’s raining men in my world right now…. : )

  341.  #341LonePlum on February 14, 2011 at 11:02 pm

  342.  #342Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    Oh my goodness! I just realized I’m on Rori’s blog!
    I thought I was on the Pet Lover’s Support Blog all day. I feel so embarrassed. *blushes

    he he just kidding.

    Thanks all for your kind wishes. I’ve been out looking for him for hours.

    I’ve been praying and connecting with my “inner wisdom voice” and I’m feeling guided to surrender while still taking action. This is a big exercise for me. I love my dog SO much. I’m trying to surrender and trust. Trust that he is okay.

    Trying to stay emotionally balanced and not go into full on freak out mode.

    I’m seriously attached to this little guy. I wonder if this is a test of my ability to surrender.

    He has my number on his collar. We live in a safe area, not much traffic. He knows the area well. He is street smart. He’s probably having fun. My friend’s dog was just gone for 20 days living in the hills and came back safe. He’s fine. I will stay calm and keep looking but also stop to rest when I need to. I will stay focused on what I can control, my thoughts and attitudes, and let god take care of the rest. I trust in his well being. I can see him having fun in my minds eye. Wanting to connect with him energetically and call him home. Is that leaning forward?

  343.  #343Laughing Goddess on February 14, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    I actually feel quite excited about his immenent(sp?) return!

  344.  #344Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    Oh Brenda @ 339

    I mean I really don’t know. I got so hurt my husband when i began using feeling messages . . . it produced a lot about how HE felt, but no learning to hear or ‘catch” my feeling messages. Only blame. No respect.

    I will use ‘I feel unheard’ if the opportunity comes up.

  345.  #345Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    LG – i don’t feel your dog will mind if you lean forward and entice him home. He wants to please you! Hope he comes home soon.

  346.  #346Lorelei on February 14, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    riff riff riff

    Raging . . I love rage, welcome home rage, I need you, and I’m sorry I ignored you for so long.

    Sadness, grief, you have always been here for me, though I haven’t always been there for you . .

    Clutching my gut and howling. All my deep honest feelings are in my gut. I clench it or it freezes, when I deny or ignore my feelings, or go in head, into boy mode.

    Disappointment. Such disappointment at how my marriage has failed. So sad, so angry. Disappointment, I need you on board too. No good rationalising this.

    Sadness like a big black pool, melted from the ice of my frozen feelings . . i accept you.

    Frozen voice for all of these . . no-one ever heard no-one ever really heard this – not convenient not acceptable not nice . .. .

    Clutching my gut, this is where you all live.

    Wondering, feeling fear, will I ever get past this, or will I spiral around it forever.

    I’m here (shouting back) I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my soul, the captain of my true self. I’m here now, and I love my boat, and I love my crew. Anger, rage, despair, bitter disappointment, grief, today you are my crew, and I need you all . . but I am your captain, siren captain, and I am in charge. I’m here for you to let you play your part in getting this boat through the next few days. Here to encourage you all to play your part. England expects . . . .

    I need you all to play your part authentically and truly. So sorry you have had to hide in the hold. because I was afraid to have you up on deck. Well i need you on deck now. This boat can’t go anywhere. I need you all on deck, on the sails and on the oars (the kind of ancient Greek boat that had both oars and sails (?))and sometimes I need to delegate to one of you and let you take over.

    Maybe I need to do this more and more. My siren-captain-self want to hear from you, want to hear you speak, my inner community. My crew, my faithful crew. I love my crew of my emotions. I need my crew of my emotions, all of them, even painful and inconvenient ones.


    There is a danger with this Captain, siren-captain metaphor, that the Captain controls the crew of emotions too much.

    Visualising a beautiful siren sailing her boat, a sail boat, with the crew more like the wind that fills the sails and moves her along . . . helps her sail where she is going. She senses the wind and responds to the wind, adjusting the sail, and letting herself be carried by the wind, the zephyr, the breeze, or the STORM of emotion.

    That feels better . . . the first image was too masculine perhaps . . . a bit too controlling of the emotions.

    Somewhere, I once saw a cartoon (Michael Leunig??) of a figure sailing a small sail boat where the sail was in the shape of a heart. Wish I could find it.

    But I can remember it. This could be my valentine to myself . . . a day late . . .

    Feeling tired, but must get out of bed now and start one of the saddest days . . .

  347.  #347LonePlum on February 15, 2011 at 12:07 am

  348.  #348Laughing Goddess on February 15, 2011 at 12:38 am

    Trying so hard to surrender and stay sane.
    Balanced, calm.

    I feel so emotionally connected to my animals. People who aren’t animal people sometimes think it’s a little much. I know there are many sirens here who understand tho’.

    I feel worried and vulnerable about my attachment to him. This situation could easily push me into a dark place and I know I need to stay calm to find him.

    LI is walking around in the rain looking for him. I feel really appreciative of that.

    It would feel so good when he finds him. I just know he is going to walk in the door with him any second.

    I want to go drive and look some more but driving around in circles is making me feel nuts.

    Attachment, surrender, letting go, trust

    Big breath

    surrender trust surrender trust surrender trust

  349.  #349Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 12:39 am


    The funny thing is I had decided it would be good days before.

    So, haha.. being clever when I sent cards to my Grandma, and mom. I put two cards in the mail for me. And funny thing is.. I forgot about them, so I was excited at the suprise when I got them in the mail when I did..

    Next, I sent ecards to all my close best girl friends…


    A knock on the door and a special delivery for whom but, me??? From a date/friend Mikey who I have only been on three dates on with in like a year.. who is growing on me more and more everyday, sent me flowers and I giggle AND wish you could see the Life
    SIZE MONKEY BALLOONS… That say.. Just wild for you and crazy about you. I got so tickled!

    And I owe to learning how to recieve and he has helped me sooo much set boundries and take things slow and allow me to warm up.. where I once would other wise, dismiss..

    He is such a blessing and I never ever feel like leaning forward with him.. I just dont see it with him.. But, my feelings have gone from cool to warm and warmer and I have learned so much about recieveing. He is just happy to see me happy..

    And to think 2 years ago.. I was driving to see someone who got me nothing. lol… NEVER AGAIN!
    (That was partly my fault, I do admit and cringe) but.. moving on…


  350.  #350Laughing Goddess on February 15, 2011 at 12:47 am

    OMG! LI just walked in with him 2 secs after I wrote that!

    I feel so excited.

    Thanks so much everyone for your prayers and support.

    Btw, he was with one of his girlfriends!!!
    Celebrating v-day.
    There is this little farm up the road and this sheepdog lives with the goats and chickens to protect them. Well little guy was somehow in the pen with her. LI said it was a pretty romantic vibe (ie he was humping her leg).

  351.  #351Laughing Goddess on February 15, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Awesome Alicia!!!

  352.  #352LonePlum on February 15, 2011 at 12:55 am

  353.  #353LonePlum on February 15, 2011 at 12:58 am

    Laughing Godess 350


  354.  #354kaitlyn on February 15, 2011 at 12:58 am

    “LONE PLUM, your answer to CatEyes was fabulous, I even copied it. What was stunning to me was so much of the correct actions you mentioned, I have been doing and it has worked. Things have changed drastically.

    Then on the other hand you mentioned incorrect actions I have been doing and I reaped undesirable results. I was sad but glad to read them because you explain them so clearly and logically, it makes it easy to stop doing them, forgive myself and have hope.”

    +1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all the way!!!!

    I see where the last 2 convos with my guy post-Paris went wrong. You say men forget? Let’s hope my guy ‘forgets.’ Heh.

    I am truly hoping this space I’m giving him (and me. and my horse) as I’m leaning back will draw him back to me. I will be warm and open and not bring up relationship talk at all.

  355.  #355Buttery on February 15, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Yayyyyy Alicia!!! ooh, Mikey is totally into you and your sizzlin siren vibe 🙂

    I feel happy that you had a great V-day, and I love how you sent cards to yourself!

  356.  #356Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 12:59 am

    – And one more thing… strange and funny!

    The mind can accept or choose not, but the subconscious mind really does only accept what you show it.. and it does think in pics..

    Like.. when I say flower you see it in your head not in letters, right?

    Well. I have been looking and saving images on my computer and looking at them every day. I have a file for healthy life, love, and money.

    Well. what is going on in reality outside world and around you is kinda what you think about most..

    SO…….. I put it to the test and I started notice the stranged things happen.. Like just odd and funny..

    Here it strange funny coincidences in the last week:

    In my love file of images.. I have these pics of a couple at a carnival.. Like a local one, with old school rides and candy apples..

    I like 5 pics out of 45 I have in my love images file.

    Well, this week I kid you not.. I’m driving down the road and there is a local carnival in town for a week.. with the old school rides.. and I drove past it.. and thought “WOW.. that looks just like the one in the pics.” How funny..

    Another pic I have is of a girl holding tons of balloons.. again one pic out of the 45 love pics I look at everyday..

    lol.. WELL…. TODAY. I got 8 HUGE over the top balloons in the shapes of hearts and monkeys.. and I know it’s valentines but, I truly never expected to get balloons.. lol.. I was seeing flowers and I did get those too. But, the balloons where a bonus. So, I shared this with my friend.. like maybe it’s partly my subconcious.

    Okay.. last one.. In my money images.. I have tons of pics of cash.. people having fun with it, a piggy bank, a savings, a donation, and also pics of the words “let go” and “Thank you” ( Those word pics are also in my love pic images file).. I also have pics of people winning something.

    SO catch this.. Last week.. I was in a packed place for a super bowl party.. and I won this huge lighted sign..
    that is worth about 300 bucks.. Here is how it happened.. I’ve been looking at pics morning and night everyday.. of things I like.. in my money, love and healthy living folders saved on my computer.

    Now I’m invited to this party for super bowl it’s packed and this lady says… Excuse me everyone out your name on this raffle ticket to win a prize.. And as she says it.. I’m like haha.. wow, something to win. Funny maybe I will, and I see the pic in my head. Well, then I was like ohhh I don’t want the sign. ( I let go) Next.. they call my name across the room.. Alicia Herron is the winner.. lol. Pick any sign you want. And I was happy..

    This all in the last ten days… Law of attraction is real! I tell you!!

  357.  #357Buttery on February 15, 2011 at 1:01 am

    LG – I’m relieved that your doggie is back home!!
    LOL @ him romancing the sheepdog!

  358.  #358Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 1:01 am

    Thanks Buttery..

    I like that name.. haha.. makes me feel hungry. lol.. Like I want hot toast with butter. yum

  359.  #359Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:04 am


    I feel so excited! I just got back from spending time w Italian guy… The one that o thought I subtly fell in the lead with who hadn’t kissed me for 12 dates.

    He’s real nice and would buy me anything and get me anytime and dies what he says sees me often now that he’s in town and really likes me.

    Well I realized today just how feminine he was! He asked me a q about Everything! I somehow just made a pact w myself that I would lean back.

    I said I was hungry like six times!

    Well I kept it up all nite and he kept trying but I was outgirling him. I also had to reframe myself from judging him and just express or be silent, and in my head go for ‘if I was happy how would I be”

    Omgosh it was such a constant challenge! But I did it! And stayed open tho I felt terrified.

    Oh wait… First almost right away he tried to kiss me… But by leaning back and kinda going… Cmere while fingering me towards him

    I shut down and said I felt embarrassed…

    We did not kiss. I remained open and leaned back and made the pact w myself to keep considering me worthy and to feel hood in my body. He didn’t try to kiss me by leaning over.

    At the end when he dropped me off – btw he did not mention valentines, And misuses ‘feel’ so I really seems to me like he’s doing it on purpose but is not seeming authentic…

    When he gave me a massage it felt good, but the second time it seemed his attention wandered and it didn’t… He was doing it so soft.. I stopped it and said it didn’t feel good, thank u!

    He did not make One single active move without deferring to me first… And I kept saying… Whatever you think in different ways… So I hot to finally relax and be a girl with him.

    Then at the end, we talked for longer than usual At the end… But he still didn’t lean in to kiss me…
    So I left! Yes I did! He seemed dissapointed but I feel so happy! I really leaned back and just felt so much better!

    I felt so superficial and twiterry not leaning back with him… Now I felt myself in my body and it felt good.

    He will figure it put to lean in and take charge if he wants to… Yay!

    I did so well by reminding myself I’m worthy – of being fed when i ferl hingry – and that I don’t have to answer his questions, or judge him… Just shrug and keep leaning back in the boat… Yahoo!!

  360.  #360Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 1:09 am

    About the EX that you are in love with.. and pretty much brought us here to Rori..

    This is law of attraction based. It’s basically what Rori teaches in different words.. PLEASE READ IT. I PROMISE THIS WORKS hand and hand with Rori’s tools.

    And it’s just another way to understand it.. that totally works, if you think or feel in more of a “energy” kinda way.

    The below is not written by me.. but, I really LIKED IT!


    To all those looking for the ‘ final solution’ :-)) to this problem – I HAVE FOUND IT!
    The answer is –

    1) STOP STOP STOP with all the longing!

    2) Master the art of POSITIVE SELFISHNESS. Ever wonder why selfish people always have people who love them and are loyal to them? They radiate a certain vibration, that’s why !! You can’t beat this law, so join it!! Think only of yourself (not of him/her), pamper yourself, enjoy the attention of those who do admire you, HAVE FUN, FORGET ABOUT THE LOSER WHO THOUGHT YOU WERE NOT WORTH IT! By positive selfishness i mean – be selfish but don’t be hurtful to others. SELF WORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    3) I applied this formula – now my ex has eyes only for me, sends me the most flattering messages a woman would like to have, AND WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS – This man is no pathetic wimp, and has a lot of choices when it comes to women!

    Cheers….to Myself !!! :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    It has always genuinely surprised me when a lover wanted to leave, when I wanted to continue. I’m good-looking, smart, cheerful, kind-hearted and interesting. I’m no wimp. I’m not needy. I rarely suffer from self-doubt. So for me the big question was – What is it then? I was determined to find out. And I did.

    The first important thing to understand is that everything in the universe is energy, in one form or another. We are all energy. Our thoughts transmit this energy with a unique vibrational signature. We are masters at reading the energy of other human beings, and responding accordingly. Unless you develop awareness in this area, it’s happening unconsciously.

    Why do they leave?

    We learn from two sources – our environment, and our experiences. Very often these two sources seem to impress upon us that life is a struggle. Our parents – their struggles make deep impression on the psyche. What we learn is that in order to deserve a love relationship we have to give in and give up….ourselves. And this is actually what causes loss of love.

    If you fall in love and cannot keep your energy centered around yourself, your partner will leave. This is a law, as sure as sunrise and sunset.

    Some people suffer a whole lifetime captured in this pattern – the same energy will bring the same result, over and over and over. If you are serious about mastering your love life, you HAVE to master the art of keeping your energy centered and aligned at all times. So how do you do this?

    The art of Positive Selfishness.

     In your mind, build a fabulous pedestal in granite or marble, in the middle of a town square – a pedestal with space for only one icon or idol. Place yourself on this pedestal. ‘You’ in gold, or platinum or titanium or whatever you wish. Does this bring home a message?

     Stop focussing on – does he/she like me? will he mind if i say this/ do this….STOP! And start listening to the voice within…it will tell you how YOU are feeling.

     Let your emotions be your guide. If you are getting feelings of sadness or discomfort in a relationship, take yourself serious! Don’t hesitate to communicate with your partner over this, and don’t hesitate to end the relationship if required.

     Never turn your existing life and routine upside down for your lover, like cancelling appointments to accomodate him/ her unless it’s really necessary. Don’t neglect other areas of your life such as your work/ study/ sport/ children etc. Make it a habit not to think of your lover when you are doing other things. Live in the moment!

    The Essential Nature of the Universe

    ( This may not seem relevant – but it is!! It will get you in alignment to ALLOW and RECEIVE )

    We live in a dynamic, ever-changing universe. Just look out of your window! Is it ever the same? Seasons change, winds turn, trees grow, clouds come and go….and yet we human beings crave for certainty to give us a safe feeling. The truth is – change and uncertainty are the essential nature of the universe. When you accept this, you align yourself WITH the universal forces, instead of against.
    You have to understand that this uncertainty is not your enemy, it is your best friend. This uncertainty is unlimited potential – it is the zero-setting for all manifestation. The Indian yogis understand it better than anyone else, they are the masters at this. My years in India have given me a wealth I cannot express in words.

    Life is a healthy, free flowing river. When you let go and join the flow of life, trusting the current, it will take you to new places, new encounters, new people, new loves. When you pine and long for a person from your past, you get stuck and block the flow of life-force. The very things you want move away from you, simply because you want them, and your alignment set to negative.

    Let’s get one thing clear. Uncertainty in this context does not mean doubt, it refers to the ever-changing, never-static quality of the universe.

    SO you want to be a manifestation master – you have to stand on this uncertainty – not only embrace it , but use it as a TOOL and as an opportunity. If the universe is renewing itself every moment, it’s your golden chance to renew yourself. Yesterday’s apartment can be turned into tomorrow’s mansion. Yesterday’s rejection, into adoration today….

    When you are pining and longing for a person, you are NOT loving them, you are indulging in a personal party of misery and lack – therefore you are not transmitting vibrations of love. The more of this energy you send out, the more it will repel this person fom you.

    If you truly LOVE a person, what does it matter where they are, with whom they are, as long as they are happy? You may certainly wish and intend that they be with you, but if you are jealous, hateful, fearful, the person receives each of these vibrations. So….let go, with love !!

    When you combine clear intention with detachment, you get what you want.

    intention + let go = receive

    But this let-go…it has to come from deep within, it has to become a life belief.

    So, to get your ex back-

    1) Stop the longing – it is a self-destructive vibration (that reaches the ex).
    2) Make the intention that you want him/her back, release this intention into the universe.
    3) Then forget all about it.
    4) Wipe your life-slate clean and blank.
    5) Make a new intention – I enjoy a fabulous love-life – with a new love!! ja, ja :-)))
    ( sounds contradictory and disloyal – but this is vital – it puts out the signal that you’re a healthy spirit )
    6) Practice the art of positive selfishness.
    7) Plunge into life – in every area – live in the moment, to the very fullest!!

    That’s it!

    And believe me, as I got happy and strong in my own life, the man who had walked away started to come back – slowly. When he first began to make contact, he was careful, as if he was almost afraid of the energy he had experienced before. But this time it was a different energy, an attractive one. Very soon he started to contact me daily, and still does. As for me, I have changed. I have made no move towards him. I do answer one out of 5 of his messages. He’s really crazy about me. At this point I commit to nothing. The choice is mine to make!

    * A word about RS – You can try it if you feel attracted to do so. I have. It worked. I don’t use it anymore – I don’t feel the need. The above-mentioned formula works better and balances you in all areas of life.

  361.  #361Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:11 am

    Lol Lg yay ! OMG so glad your magic worked. My cat is my lil brother.

    Wow I thought u really meant it when u said u thought u were on the per lovers support blog lol I hella lolled cuz I fell for it

    Now I feel awkward thinking I sound like Italian guy making only semi funny jpkes

  362.  #362Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:14 am

    OMG Alicia thank u !

    If you fall in love and cannot keep your energy centered around yourself, your partner will leave. This is a law, as sure as sunrise and sunset.

  363.  #363Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 1:16 am

    I also am big on affirmations… like the tool Rori showed us on seeing the future we want with the details like we already had it but, going back in time and feeling the day or experience. Becuase the mind knows no difference.

    Well. I use to have little affirmatios with my currenlty ex’s name….. “J” but, something felt a little wierd about it.. Like if I did run into him, or him me,, I would probably feel funny.. So ——-

    I LET IT GO (PLEASE TRUST THAT) and I switch all my affirmations.. to ” MY TRUE LOVE and I”

    My true love.. ask me to be exclusive.. proposes, we take trips and it FEELS SOOOOOOO much better.

    Not sure if anyone writes in affirmations but, changing it to “True Love” is a huge energy shift, trusting and faith filled. And it might just be who you really think like someone from your past or someone you have yet to meet. AND I am excited about the shift.. It might just mean you meet a “temp” guy until you old guy feels a different vibe from you. 🙂

    It’s been good for me.. Hopefully for you too!

    Toodles!! 😉

  364.  #364Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:17 am

     Let your emotions be your guide. If you are getting feelings of sadness or discomfort in a relationship, take yourself serious! Don’t hesitate to communicate with your partner over this, and don’t hesitate to end the relationship if required.

    Ph wow! Sadness Or discomfort … Like sadness w dman and getright man

    Discomfort w Italian guy

    I will communicate! I don’t want a guy who doesn’t lead and allow me to leanback

  365.  #365Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Thanks Laughing Goddess…

    Glad you found you loved pet. I LOVE amimals too!!!

    When we had a freeze in dallas.. I was taking bread out to the squirels.. lol..

    And I was praying for the alley cats.. I even got up in the middle of the night when I saw one dash across the snow and I felt so worried for it, I busted my ass on the ice trying to look for it, to make sure it was okay. I finally decided to pray for it and let go.. and let God. lol

    Basically, I decided to not go thru nursing school beacuse I refuse to disect any animals.. Especially a house hold pet. I just decided it’s not for me.. over that simple thing. SOoooooooo yes… I do understand you love for animals!

  366.  #366Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Thanks Daria.

    I thought it was soo profound and in line with Rori that I wanted to share.

    I’d like to say.. that I believe when the writer.. she says “selfish” she really means……. “SELF WORTH” lol. right?

    We are the fountain… the man comes to are over flowing feelings and love.. like Rori says..

    And the energy thing is real easy for me and us “feelers” to get…


    Glad you had a italian date!

  367.  #367Lorelei on February 15, 2011 at 1:39 am

    Lone Plum – @ 341 – Great post on breakthrough with anger by going for the truth – “i feel devastated’ rather than emasculating the guy with anger .. and “you did ….”

  368.  #368Lorelei on February 15, 2011 at 1:40 am

    problem is, right now, I feel more like emasculating ex-husband and hurting him than being leaned back and in authentic feelings. . . that’s valid too, though I may not act it out.

  369.  #369Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:54 am

    My vibe to guywho

    Guywho I have never acknowledged I feel so angry at you. And I feel scared. I don’t want a man who won’t be faithful. I don’t want a man whos an alcoholic,

    Guywho I feel scared

    What do u think?

    I feel angry thinking about the past.


  370.  #370Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:56 am

    Security texted me he apparently has a job he just hot off work

    He said he missed me

    I said sad face

    He said he’s getting a car in afew ddays

  371.  #371Daria on February 15, 2011 at 1:58 am

    I feel scared of getting my heartbroken… I feel mistrustful

    I didn’t feel good – I felt offbalance and now I know how to balance and I still feel mad thinking of how offbalance I felt and humiliated and mad and afraid.

  372.  #372Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 2:04 am

    The guy who sent me flowers and balloons didnt ask me out tonight… shocking.

    I did tell him I had a test. lol…. so he is excused. He asked me out last week and I said maybe..

    I’m way cool with his affections and pursuit.. and I never feel like I owe him “sex” or anything becuase he did something sweet for me.

    I’m being real and planted in my feelings and boundries with him.. So, it’s gone slowww.. I have only kissed him. I just dont see myself with him but, my heart is more fond of him lately. I like that he is not super hot because.. I feel sane. lol… and special. Not worried or leaning forward. It’s been healing!

    I had fun with my best friend Cathy after we took our test.

    This was the Mikey text convo:

    He texted and told me he sent me a suprise.

    Alicia to Mikey.. Does this mean you want to see me tonight? I feel confused.. I mean love the suprises… it’s okay with me if you want to send me gifts and not see me. ha ha

    Mike – whaaaa? Ali wants to see me? When are you going to ask me out?

    Alicia: lol.. um never!!

    ( I wear the tits in this relationship!) lol.. didnt text that part but, thought it loud and clear- I laughed.

    Mikey: Interesting….


    Alicia: I’m the girl! lol

    (I don’t budge with him.
    He is awesome for practicing boundries with… )

    Mikey: lol blah blah.. How about saturday?

    (I was at the bank couldnt respond right then or while I got into my car and was jamming to the radio and driving)

    Mikey: Will you accept saturday?

    Alicia: Ofcourse.. can’t wait. haha

    If it feels right I will kiss him or see what feels right, I just cant believe he is into me and I do nothing.. but respond..

    Such a foriegn concept… lol


    For me not sleeping with him has helped ten fold..

    And being cherished is lovely!

  373.  #373Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 2:07 am


    What makes you feel more balanced? Think about that.. you’ll feel better

  374.  #374Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 2:14 am

    OMG!!!!!! DARIA!!!!

    Divine order is at work…


    THIS seriously just came to my email…. lol!

    Check it out. Must be for you………


    Subject: What’s off balance?

    “To do great work a man must be very idle as well as very industrious.”

    — Samuel Butler

    Spirit requires a balance of female and male energy, yin and yang, receptiveness and expression. Are you sensitive to intuition and inner guidance? Are you able to act on the guidance you receive? Seek to find a balance in being and doing in all areas of your life.

    “The balanced energy is the birthing energy. I used to say that the birthing energy was all feminine — it’s not. You have to push and you have to be. It’s such a potent example of the dance of the feminine and masculine together, the dance that is the creative energy of life!”

    — Joyce Irvine

    As we are spiritual beings, the root of all of our life challenges lies in the spiritual realm. Get in touch with your spiritual nature with our Grow Yourself workbook and 30 days of email support. Get a sense of the bigger picture of your life.

  375.  #375Alicia on February 15, 2011 at 2:20 am


    That was sooo odd.. haha.

    I can’t believe you said “””I felt offbalance and now I know how to balance and I still feel mad thinking of how offbalance….””

    In my personal email one second later was an email from Higher Awareness that said.. “What off balance?”

    Actually. I can believe it… awesome and totally freaky.

  376.  #376Laughing Goddess on February 15, 2011 at 3:15 am

    Magic is afoot

  377.  #377Alonka on February 15, 2011 at 3:45 am


    let me ask you this – you said you felt hungry to the Italian guy and he didn’t buy you dinner? Is my understanding correct? You said you wanted to kiss and he didn’t kiss you in the way that would make you happy? You have to struggle to stay a girl with him and even then he is slow to take the lead? And it’s been 12-13 dates… do you think that you still don’t know enough about your possible future with this guy? Are you keeping him to practice the tools and to teach you something in that respect or you believe there is still a chance his vibe will change? is there anything about him that keeps you in this relationship? Perhaps if you let him know what it is that you appreciate in him, his vibe will change;)

  378.  #378Lori C on February 15, 2011 at 3:54 am

    This is a tough journey I am on.

    I feel broken.
    I feel so incredibly sad.
    I feel angry.
    I feel betrayed.

    And yet, I feel hope.

  379.  #379Jennifer on February 15, 2011 at 4:11 am

    Making baby steps.
    Really tiny ones, but I guess they are steps.

    Impromptu anti-valentines party at starbucks with TJ from Judo and anther girl, K from judo.
    Noticed how I kept feeling the need to fill the silences with chatter, random crap about my life.
    Noticed how she didnt
    Noticed how I kept comparing myself to her and voting for her.
    Better hair, makeup, outift, thinner, more leaned back bla blabla
    But I noticed.
    So I guess that counts as a step.
    Fire alarm went off.
    TJ’s exwife showed up.
    Bla bla bla.
    Is it spring yet?

  380.  #380JenniferW on February 15, 2011 at 4:29 am

    Jacqueline and Alonka,

    I planted the seed this morning. 🙂

    I texted the BF….
    “I felt sad last night”
    He said “Y”
    “Because I felt unloved being that it was Valentines Day also”

    I imagine I won’t be hearing anything from him today.

    Time to leannnnnnnnnn back….

    Thanks for your advice 🙂

  381.  #381cateyes3 on February 15, 2011 at 4:35 am

    This morning is a new chapter for me… It’s called Leaning back completely.

    I feel very nervous and anxious but, it’s better for me and better for mainman.

    Here’s hoping!

  382.  #382Amy on February 15, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Good Morning ladies,

    I really would love so words of advice… Last night, my bf and I spent a nice Valentine’s Day together. He made me dinner, got me roses, and a beautiful card. I shared how much I loved the flowers and card and how sweet everything and how loved I felt. We watched tv and cuddled on the couch. I want to share dessert with him, but wanted his own (no biggie…or so I thought). Later that night when we were going to bed, I want to have “dessert”, and said how it would feel so great to end this night with some “dessert”. He said he was tired which was fine, but then I started to feel weird, disconnected and sad because it was Valentine’s Day and even though I didn’t start the night with expectation, I ended it with them when the romance didn’t come through. (this is why I love spending valentine’s day with the girls, so much less pressure lol)

    Anyways, I just told that I felt weird, but I didn’t know why. (I always make sure to let him know that how I feel has nothing to do with him because he tends to revert back to the past and think I am blaming him) He said that I have been telling him how I felt lately, but had a tone about it, so I asked if he didn’t want me to tell him how I felt anymore. He said no that isn’t what he said. I said, I know that isn’t, but I was just wondering what you mean by that. Anyways, the conversation didn’t go well from there. He got aggravated because he felt like I wasn’t letting it go even though I didn’t even say anything further about it. I just didn’t want a misunderstanding and he shut me out. I started to emotionally cry and felt all over the place. I said that I felt sad and that I felt like if I couldn’t show him the emotional sides of me then he doesn’t deserve the good sides either. Also, I told him that I felt sad that I have been trying to learn and grow from the person I was before who wouldn’t blame him for my feelings, but who would include them in there and that I was learning to let things go, but he still couldn’t see that and to him I was still the girl that drags things out. I just felt horrible. I want to bed crying myself to sleep because all the emotions from the past came flooding back and to top it off I felt like I had ruined Valentine’s Day.

    This morning we woke up and he held me tight and wouldn’t let me go. We had “dessert” and just laid there in silence holding each other. When I left he said that he was glad we got to spend the night together (we don’t live together) and that I said that I loved my flowers and card and I was happy to.

    Things were left well, but I still feel guilty and that maybe I share to much of my feeling with him. I DO try to weigh whether or not it it something I can let go and move on… there is WAY more things I feel on a daily basis that I can tell him. I just tell him when I really feel like that emotion is effect my vibe or going to close me off to him,etc.

    Why do I still feel bad/guilty/sad even though things are fine with him and I?

  383.  #383Alonka on February 15, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Yay Cateyes!

    Here is to new beginnings;) It’s easier than you thought because it feels very natural. it’s like living your dream life and express your emotions without fear

  384.  #384cateyes3 on February 15, 2011 at 6:41 am

    Cheers Alonka!

  385.  #385Darling Ella on February 15, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Alicia # 360:

    Gosh, this is exactly what I needed this morning…Thank u so dearly…

    Warm hugs,

  386.  #386Ladyinwaiting on February 15, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Amy, #382, look at the line in your post….” all the emotions from the past”…..what has got you trapped in re-living the past with every time an emotional overload(which DOES NOT mean what your experiencing at the present moment is unmanageable) is felt? From what I am learning myself the last few new weeks A) feel your feelings, B) state them in a non-blaming (to you or others) way, C) LET IT GO-you don’t control the outcome D)be surprised! It almost sounds like your expecting a return response of validation with every thought you express to this man. You have the right to validate yourself-love yourself, in spite of feeling doubt. It almost sounds like your feeling guilty-cause you mighta made him feel guilty for not fully getting all your needs met by him. It’s ok to ASK for what ya need- no one can contol whether or not someone else meets those needs for you. What can YOU do to meet those needs on your own? What’s hiding in your past? That has nothing to do with him?

  387.  #387Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 6:56 am

    Lori C

    I listened to this month’s Interview with Relationship Experts where Virginia Feingold was talking about making peace with the past. Also did you listen in on the Soulmate Summit, they also suggested something similar. I think that might be helpful for you at this juncture. I understand your pain as it is current and raw but you have to believe that you can heal.

  388.  #388Daria on February 15, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Alonka – he Did eventually buy dinner… Just didn’t take the lead right away… Like he was waiting for ne to say “let’s go”

    Jes a nice guy and a total stretch for my type… So until now I didn’t even realize this pattern with him… I always date men if they ask me out… As long as I don’t feel scared or repulsed

    He does a good job in masculine energy once
    He’s in it…I really don’t know if his vibe will change… But I think it can…

    I’m gona communicate to him about my liking guys to lead and lean over and kiss me and see what he thinks…

    If he contacts me again…

  389.  #389Alonka on February 15, 2011 at 7:02 am


    When my guy finally arrives from Canada and if he confirms his offer to take me out, do you think it’s better to FM with him over the phone that I don’t feel safe due to the lack of contact or wait till we see each other at dinner? My week is pretty much filled, so the 1st night I have free so far is Sat night.

    If I do it over the phone, this would imply that I am not going out with him for late Valentine’s dinner.

  390.  #390Amy on February 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

    @386 Ladyinwaiting: Thank you for responding and for giving me your honest answer, I greatly appreciate it. I don’t think that I am expecting a return response of validation from every thought that I mention to him, but I do want to feel heard by him sometimes especially in moments of overload (i know that isn’t fair, but it is how I feel). Also, I think I feel guilty because I brought my own emotions into the night and they were taken the wrong way. He has a tendency to revert back to the past and that is where I felt we went for a little bit last night. (We are both learning and gaining better communication skills with each other). I do ask for what I need and I do meet those needs on my own as well, I am not expecting him to make me happy or take care of me; but I am only human and I am only a girl and sometimes with that I have a wave of emotions that come over me and I want to be held and todl it will be ok. (I did tell him this last night as well).

    Thanks for helping, your post really opened a feel good feeling. 🙂

  391.  #391Ladyinwaiting on February 15, 2011 at 7:05 am

    The day after Valentine’s Day
    For all the amazing sirens who have posted here:
    Yep, sure got up feeling cruddy yesterday. Yep, spent my time on the morning drive-FEELING my feelings,
    SURRENDERING, to the bleakness of it all, DECIDED to go to work and give my all ’cause I was NOT going to carry negative energy with me. LOVED myself by loving others freely, still thinking about u-know-who, did not ACT on it-just let those waves wash over me. GOT surprised by a Valentine’s txt from a CD-HOW SWEET! No strings, no expectations, just sweetness!!! RECEIVED compliments from various men of various ages about my pink scarf!! How unexpected! WITNESSED my daughter flying on a horse! (yes, a real one!) Spent the evening thinking-today was not so awful after all!! Have new STRENGTH after reading some of these posts today. I am not alone, you are not alone. This journey called life is a work in progress. Love, love love a post from another writing on this blog “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy”. I am so PROUD of who I have become in just a few short months. Rori, this V-day post of yours was perfect timing for my life-THANK YOU. The universe will bring you what you need when ya need it. It was an ephiphany to me today to know that what I am learning about myself/relationships/intercommunication , was the next piece of the puzzle to help my daughter through her life. I want her to know how to lead and follow. I have to create those skills in myself so she can see and feel them on her own. I will treat myself with Valentine’s day love every day!!!!

  392.  #392Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 7:06 am

    RE 382 Amy I also recently learnt that we need to make peace with our past. Forgive ourselves for how we were then because we were doing the best we could and open ourselves to new experiences, knowing what we want and sharing our innermost feelings. I am not suggesting that it is easy. I was just listening to the Interview CD this morning but I believe the key is in awareness of where we are, what we are experience and what we want. Awareness clears the way for change.

  393.  #393Ladyinwaiting on February 15, 2011 at 7:07 am

    Amy #390-
    Way to go woman!!

  394.  #394Amy on February 15, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Also it is hard because I have been doing such a great transformation in the last few months and when I have a set back like last night (even though it only lasted for an hour and we got back on track this morning) I still feel like a failure. However, I feel as if I have a new understanding of myself today and that I am excepting myself more and more… emotional overload and all because that is who I am. When I feel something strongly, I feel it strongly and the emotions flow. To me, that is an expression of how much something means to mean… a passion, a love…

  395.  #395Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 7:10 am

    RE 391 Just saw a quote this morning
    “Here’s a paradox: victory comes through surrender! Surrender doesn’t weaken us, it strengthens us. Surrendered to God, we don’t have to fear surrendering to anything else. William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army, said, ‘The greatness of a man’s power is the measure of his surrender.’ Eventually everybody surrenders to something. If not to God, we’ll surrender to the opinions and expectations of others, to money, to resentment, to fear, to our own lusts or ego.”

  396.  #396Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 7:11 am

  397.  #397Amy on February 15, 2011 at 7:14 am

    @392 Femininewoman: Forgiving myself for the past is definitely what I need to do more of. Most of the time, I do forgive myself and I know that I did the best I could in the situation that I had (we both handled things wrong and we were both 100% at fault for our own part in our past communication skills); but there are times when a phrase will be said that triggers me and I feel like my changes haven’t been seen. That is what happened last night… when he said that “I just don’t let things go” I was instantly triggered and felt like he doesn’t see this change in me (even though that isn’t true). (I told him I was triggered too and why).

    Awareness… that is one thing I am learning… and that is one thing that last night gave me, a better awareness of myself and my triggers. 🙂

  398.  #398Ladyinwaiting on February 15, 2011 at 7:16 am

    #395 wow! that was a blessing I did not expect! Thank you, yes, surrender is not about defeat- it’s about ” it is what it is”, I can accept even if I don’t understand. Thanks!

  399.  #399Amy on February 15, 2011 at 7:18 am

    @393: Thanks lady! 🙂

  400.  #400Daria on February 15, 2011 at 7:26 am

    I decided to take the day off comm service as a valentines to myself… And I got my peezy!

    Yay red yay me!


  401.  #401Alonka on February 15, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Daria – sounds like a very powerful plan;)

    Something I picked up from an earlier post, just remembered: I get alert when a guy mentions he is not gay out of the blue and without me starting on the topic. And I would never bring it up, this thought is NOT on my mind. Don’t know how this conversation happened between you two of course

  402.  #402Daria on February 15, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Jennifer – this is great! When I noticed I was voting for my super hot gf, after a few times I was able to turn it around!

  403.  #403Daria on February 15, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Alonka – haha yes I am on alert! I feel concerned he may well be!

    But I’m not gona get in his head, just trust him… Well see what happens… This is all excellent practice for me.

    In many ways he’s real dependable like Rori says a good guy will be – uncharted territory for me sometimes.

  404.  #404Andi on February 15, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Hi everyone!

    I am trying to catch up on the blog posts!

    I got some great encouragement and support a few blog posts ago, and I have just responded, so I am re-posting these here from 2 threads back.

    These are responses to Pam and SLV:

    833: Andi says:
    202: Pamelala says:

    Deep breaths…I understand your feelings of vulnerability and frustration. This is a highly personal thing you’re trying to accomplish. Take your time, it doesn’t have to be completed today.

    Would it help to have your best girlfriend over for a glass of wine and profile rewriting night? Make it fun and get her input as you go?

    If it’s overwhelming right now, maybe put it aside for a little bit. If you’re stressed, that will come through in what you’re writing.

    I find that I try to be so specific…I can be a word snob when I let myself be…that my profile sounds impersonal and calculated. Hate that, it’s so not me! So, I’ve had to rewrite over and over again.

    Give yourself some grace, space and time.




    Pam, getting with my girlfriend is a great idea! I also think my profile sounds impersonal and calculated too. Actually like “reporting.” I will try! Thank you for the suggestions!


    Tuesday, 15 February 2011 @ 7:44am
    834: Andi says:
    203: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @191: Andi says:
    How can I be an English major and editor and I can’t even convert my profile to feeling messages!!!????
    I am having a huge block and it makes me feel really vulnerable…”

    Maybe it’s because you speak English or some other language. Not all messages one sends are “feelings” unless one does not have a thought in ones head.

    BTW and IMHO, if I read a guy’s profile and it had a lot of thoughts and opinions with the word “feel” added in, I’d be so turned off I’d run and that goes for women’s “messages” too. Ick!

    Perhaps I’d have a good giggle first.

    “I feel him touch herself.” These kind of sentences come to mind…

    OK, I’m wicked… LOL



    SLV, this made me laugh out loud! Love it! Andi

    Tuesday, 15 February 2011 @ 7:47am

  405.  #405Daria on February 15, 2011 at 7:55 am

    When guywho was into me at first he used to puppydog me around and I was Not into him lol

  406.  #406Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Happy post-V-D, Sirens! I assume we all survived and nicely???

    Omigawsh! I just had a conversation on a dating site’s IM with (what I felt was) a very aggressive man. I post it here because it’s kinda funny, but also because I could use some feedback about how I handled his aggressive pursuit of my phone number and his insistence that if we were to date, who would travel to whom (he’s two hours away).

    I admit, I used this exchange for practice and to see how I felt about certain topics and certain feeling messages…based on his last line, I doubt I’ll be hearing fro him again. Was I still too masculine?? I tried to be playful about it but still make my point. Did I handle his aggression well? What do you think?

    He has emailed me on the site before, and I just rarely go there and I figured he was too far away. So he caught me on IM and we started with some pleasantries, and then…

    Him: are you having any luck on “this site?”
    Me: hmmm. a little. but I am not on here often. you?
    Him: not at all
    Him: maybe that is about to change
    Him: 🙂
    Me: lol; maybe
    Me: {Your Town} is kinda far; are you willing to travel for the right woman?
    Him: not really. (far that is)
    Him: I know where {my city} is. it isn’t that far
    Him: for the right woman? yes
    Me: Yes, I’m by the new IKEA store!
    Him: there you go
    Him: are you willing to travel for the right man?
    Me: Eventually. I usually don’t feel comfortable traveling to see a man I don’t know well.
    Him: I think the travel needs to be shared though
    Me: Not initially 😉
    Him: no, the first time I would be willing to come there
    Me: that’s great to hear. and the second?
    Him: guess that depends upon what’s going on there vs here
    Me: lol; I’ll let you have that for now
    Him: if we have something going on here and all you have is a trip to the IKEA store……. LOL
    Me: there’s ALWAYS something going on here
    Him: I like {your city} so it won’t be difficult to get me to want to drive up
    Him: but I also believe that both parties should share in the heavy lifting
    Him: fairness 50/50 balance etc…
    Me: Hmmm…perhaps in a relationship
    Me: but I like the man to be the man…and I will be the woman
    Me: I’m tiny; I am not adept at lifting heavy things
    Him: really? I’ll remember that for future reference……. 🙂
    Me: I’m all about being the girl…and respecting your masculine energy
    Him: I like the way you’re thinkin’!
    Me: thank you; with such privileges, though, come responsibility 😉 it’s nice when a man steps up…and is the man
    Him: no problem there
    Me: some men want to be the girl
    Him: NEVER!!!!!
    Me: they like to be taken care of….and then the trap is, the woman becomes just “friend” or “mother”
    Me: and then there’s no fun for anyone!
    Him: you will never have to worry about that with me
    Me: cool
    Him: all man
    Me: then you can come to me 😉
    Him: that was my plan for the first few dates

    Then there was this whole phone number struggle (remember, he JUST started IMing me ten minutes before…)

    Him: but then you need to come to the man cave
    Him: 🙂
    Me: WHAT could possibly lure me to “a man cave?”
    Him: THE MAN!
    Me: Hmmm….
    Me: I can still have THE MAN if he comes to me
    Him: don’t be greedy you can come to the man cave as well
    Me: it’s not greedy – it’s…feminine
    Him: can’t spend all the time in girly world
    Him: may I give you a call?
    Me: If you’re courting me…which men love and need to do (IMHO), then I feel more girlie if you come to me
    Him: I have to get ready to go to a military luncheon
    Me: Ewww. Sounds…manly !
    Me: LOL…teasing
    Him: it will be
    Me: A call…hmmm…I’d feel a little better/safer if we emailed or IM’d a bit more first. What do you think?
    Him: they are having a Tech Sgt and a Master Sgt put on a display of new weaponry for the 21st century Soldier
    Me: That actually sounds cool–my nine-year-old son would love it
    Him: I think you are perfectly safe 120 miles away and a phone call is in order
    Me: It’s in order, huh?
    Him: your son would love my boat then. 18 ft camo boat
    Me: I’d feel better knowing your name
    Him: Mike and you are?
    Me: Boomer
    Him: nice to meet you Boomer
    Me: Likewise, Mike
    Him: what is your number? I can call in about 30 min when I’m driving to the luncheon
    Me: Mike, I’m actually at work…a conversation would be difficult right now.
    Me: I would like to talk soon though…just after I feel a little more comfortable
    Him: ok, what is your number and I’ll call later today
    Me: But I’d feel more comfortable with some more e-communication (just a little–another day perhaps), and then talk
    Him: I’ve tried emailing you in the past and you never replied
    Me: I don’t come on this site often
    Me: here’s my personal email:
    Him: did you read my profile?
    Me: I did
    Him: did you read the part about not looking for a penpal?
    Me: I did
    Him: Boomer, I’m a 47 year old MAN. I do not need to hide behind a computer
    Me (starting to feel irritable and unheard!): but there are two of us here…and I’d feel better about you if you took this little safety preference into account
    Him: 502-xxx-xxxx block your number and you call me
    Him: I need to go get ready
    Me: Mike, I feel better when the boy calls me,
    Him: then you will have to give me your number.
    Me: I gave you my email…it would feel nice to hear from you later–when you can–I’m not about delaying things–but we just literally “met”
    Me: let me feel more comfortable with you…and then I will (most likely) happily give you my number
    Him: that is because my two previous attempts to email you were not responded to
    Me: I appreciate that
    Me: As I said, I am not on here often
    Him: I must go. have a nice day
    Me: you too….feel free to email me
    *** Him’s window is closed

    Arggg!!! So, did I do it wrong or is this a man who will never respond to feminine energy?

    It was funny, but it was also my first real opportunity to try feeling messages en force with a man. How’d I do?

  407.  #407Andi on February 15, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Hi Boomer! This is from a few threads back but I wanted to get back with you!

    205: Boomer says:
    Andi, darlin’, I feel your pain. I taught graduate editing and tech writing and business writing for years. And I cannot get this feelings thing down to save my life. I am a technical person. AND a Virgo, so I’m all about facts and details and being right and being precise.

    And as I have said in other posts, I don’t know very well how I even feel let alone how to express it to some dude I don’t even know.

    Challenging stuff.

    Just keep practicing, I suppose. That’s what I’m doing. I usually just come back to “I feel good.” And “I feel icky,” but it’s a big 180 from my previous communication where I pinned my outcomes on what a guy did (the “-ed” words) rather than owning what was going on inside me.

    If there is one Rori concept I am embracing, it is BABYSTEPS!

    Tuesday, 8 February 2011 @ 8:22am


    Boomer said: I don’t know very well how I even feel let alone how to express it to some dude I don’t even know.

    Yes, I feel the same way! And it seems like the feelings I have been able to identify more are the anger/rage/depression. But I guess at least the anger/rage has come out. Now I hope I can feel more fun things like happiness and joy!

    Yes, and about being precise – I am the same way. I feel like I am almost being too “terse” on my profile. But I feel like I am cutting the BS and being honest.

    However, I have found a way to incorporate my clever side…so the next step is to soften it up with some more “female” energy as I would guess Rori would say? Yes, I am a female, (saying this to myself!) I don’t have to be all business all the time!

    Thank you and I wish you the best with yours too!

    Oh, and my feeling messages (the 2 I seem to manage most are… I feel weird, and I feel good. lol)

  408.  #408Andi on February 15, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Response to Jacqueline from another thread…

    1133: Andi says:
    @432: Jacqueline

    Hi Jacqueline! It feels good you were thinking of me <3 I have been thinking of you and all the sirens but I have been away, with Mr. Fabulous!

    I also know that I would not be with Mr. Fabulous now if I had not come across Rori and the great women of this site. I would have been stuck in a very negative place personally, and with a toxic approach to men. BUT I am healing and changing now and a HUGE part of it is because of Rori and this blog on the web.

    Also, as I was getting ready to go out last night, my long distance man texted me and wanted to talk…Haven't heard from him since the day after Christmas.

    I feel afraid to talk to him because I am doing so much better after being devasted. I feel fragile in some ways and strong in others, we will see!!

    How are you?


    Tuesday, 15 February 2011 @ 7:38am

  409.  #409Daria on February 15, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Lorelei – hugs! I hope you’ve managed to stop putting yourself down…

    One thing that helps me untense is giving myself room to cry – this usually happens listening to romantic songs.

    Another thing is to UNconcentrate… When I find myself concentrating, tightening up my focus, I relax it.., and allow myself to be conscious and aware, instead of concentrated (I can always get concentrated again if I need to – I won’t).

  410.  #410Daria on February 15, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Boomer – whoa not done reading yet… But I got surprised

    You asked him if he’s willing to come to you (woman) first – this to me is tantamount to asking him out – very lean forward!

  411.  #411Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Andi, thanks for the response! Yep, I’m still challenged with feelings! Urg. See my lengthy (sorry) IM exchange with AggressiveMilitaryGuy above! In retrospect, I can see I was fairly lean-forward early on, but then as he got more aggressive, I managed to state my feelings better. Any thoughts, Andi, as a fellow feelings-a-phobe???

  412.  #412Daria on February 15, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Lorelei – I feel concentration in my forehead.. So I relax it there

  413.  #413Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Daria – the “come to me” was hypothetical…more my way of addressing that he is very far away and that is why I did not respond to his earlier emails. He asked specifically why I had not responded to him….which I did not include in this ridiculously lengthy transcript…

  414.  #414Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:12 am

    But, yeah, I can see that now…

    (Thanks for reading, Daria – you’re awesome and very generous with your time.)

  415.  #415Daria on February 15, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Boomer – wow thus guy is real masc energy – I would just give him my number… He’s not Gina jump thru the phone to eat you! Hehe Jk… Really tho…

  416.  #416Andi on February 15, 2011 at 8:15 am


    I am so far behind on reading all the posts but just read about your experience with your ex!!

    WOW!!! Feel sooo happy for you!!!

    I hope you are still having a great experience these last few days too…please let me know. Again, sorry if I miss things on the blog for a while, but I am doing a lot of job hunting right now and seeing tall dark and handsome too!!

    Also…my long distance man, the reason I came to this site, contacted me yesterday too by text, said he wanted to call me last night…I am not sure what I am going to do yet…I would rather see him face to face…but it is kind of impossible since we are so far apart.

    Please keep me posted!

    I may have to hop in and out of the blog because of my schedule now but I am still here, and wishing everyone the best!



  417.  #417Daria on February 15, 2011 at 8:16 am

    I would feel pressured and angry at the end tho when he talks about you not responding…

    I’d say something like… Ohh I’m feeling blamed and a lil pressured… :(. I’m starting to feel angry… I don’t want to feel that way with you.. What do u think?

  418.  #418Senior Lady Vibe on February 15, 2011 at 8:22 am

    @345: Lorelei says:
    “…LG – i don’t feel your dog will mind…”

    Lorelei, this is not a “feeling message.” Is it possible that you used some of these kind of messages with your husband? If so, it might have been a frustrating experience for him.

    I am saying this mildly. If had heard these kind of messages from someone I was having difficulty with I’d be hitting my head against the wall and then running like Hell. I would also wonder, maybe even believe, the person was doing it on purpose.

    I am a little nervous after writing this that you might be angry with me but I hope not. I did want to put in a word that perhaps your husband was not entirely against you. It’s possible that he could not cope with that kind of communication. It would drive me batty. Is it possible you could cut him some slack…? You once loved each other; maybe you two could talk normally now and find peace even if you are divorcing.

    Hugs. You will love managing on your own.


  419.  #419Andi on February 15, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Ha! Boomer…

    You can’t really go wrong with this…especially if you see it as practice…

    I have to say, I LOVE a masculine man’s man.

    I liked it when he said a phone call was in order…for me, I state what I want and if they can verbally challenge it in a clever way it really turns me on. I see them as a keeper!

    I just say, keep on doing what you are doing with him, as long as you want and are having fun with it!

    One thing about me is…I no longer IM/text/email/phone (after some initial contact, I pretty much say, I am in-person kinda girl, how do you thing we should go from here, what do you think…) so I guess I am a real challenge for these dudes…so the one’s who do get through are the ones who like a challenge and that makes it really fun!

    Keep it up and have fun!

  420.  #420Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Daria, I felt really uncomfortable and unheard and blamed, yes.

    I don’t usually make a man jump through hoops to get my number, but I felt rushed and like I was just “insert woman here” to him. And that he was more perturbed at not having gotten a reply to his emails than he was interested in me.

    He has my email – ball’s in his court (to make a manly metaphor!).

    Wow, this whole scenario makes me wonder just how MASCULINE a man I can handle or I prefer. I feel safer with feminie-nerdy-intellectual types, but their lack of “step-up-ness” makes me feel ooky usually. Ah, balance!

    Thank you, Daria!!

  421.  #421Andi on February 15, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Boomer you have a really exotic look, I like!

    Have to go! My xoxoxox to all the Sirens!

  422.  #422Pamelala on February 15, 2011 at 8:33 am


    I’m not sure his issue was his manly-man-ness. His demeanor sounds aggressive to me. He wasn’t hearing you. I appreciate a man who hears what I’m saying and takes my words into account.

    If you say you don’t feel safe having a phone call at the moment…I would like him to say, “Ok, I understand. I really want to talk to you, but your feelings are important to me and I will do what makes you feel secure with me.”

    Then, after a couple of e-mails, he could ask, “How are you feeling? Would you feel comfortable giving me your phone number…I’d like to hear your voice.”

    That is such a protective, rather than aggressive stance. I want to know that he will be a protector of my feelings rather than an invader.

    Sure, you could have used more feeling messages and, maybe, not told him what men do and don’t like, but in the end he showed you his true colors. If you’re comfortable with that, then great. If not, keep on practicing with him…I think you’ll have the opportunity to learn a lot about holding boundaries with this guy!

  423.  #423patti on February 15, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Today I am tired, but a good kind of tired.
    I love bieng tired from work and not exhausted trying to carry the load of my messed up relationship.
    I am grateful and thankful to every post on this entire site..believe me I have read each one in the past 3 weeks since my breakup from G (after 11 yrs).
    I am feeling good about the v-day card I got from the kids at the homeless shelter, to have so little and still give..seems like the universe is rebalancing for me..awesome!!

  424.  #424Boomer on February 15, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Andi, thanks…although I’m less exotic than that pic implies. It’s very sultry, which is funny, because I’m really kind of a sci-fi nerd “girl next door” type most of the time. But I can do sultry when I need to!

    Pamelala, yep, I know I was treading on masculine ground with the “most men do….blah blah blah,” but I was trying out the concepts on myself as much as anything. I got feelings-y later though, but more as a defense and not in an open way, I realize.

    Learning! Learning!

    Thanks, Sirens, for your input. It is SO appreciated. I hope one day I am savvy enough to help other aspiring sirens on here!

  425.  #425Senior Lady Vibe on February 15, 2011 at 8:40 am

    @350: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…Well little guy was somehow in the pen with her. LI said it was a pretty romantic vibe (ie he was humping her leg)…”

    What a relief! You’ve got a really good guy too that understands your connection to your animals and went searching,


  426.  #426Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Boomer reading through the exchange I felt like you were giving mixed signals.

    1. You told him you like masculine men then when he responded with masculinity you seemed to intimidated.

    2. I feel he really was interested in calling you and was fitting you in his schedule by asking for the number. He wanted to talk to you even though he had other plans. “I can call in about 30 min when I’m driving to the luncheon”.

    3. You said you like the guy to call but then give him your email. I feel I would be annoyed also as it felt like game playing, toying with him.

    4. This feels leaning forward and taking the masculine role “Me: then you can come to me
    Him: that was my plan for the first few dates”

    5. This feels like you were telling him it is okay to call you then you turn around and refuse to give him the number. Me: If you’re courting me…which men love and need to do (IMHO), then I feel more girlie if you come to me

    Also “Me: Mike, I feel better when the boy calls me,
    Him: then you will have to give me your number.”

    6. This feels like him shouting “Him: Boomer, I’m a 47 year old MAN. I do not need to hide behind a computer
    Me (starting to feel irritable and unheard!): ” maybe the reason you feel irritable. The Man in caps for me is clearly shouting.

    7. He must have felt unheard also because he asked you if you read his profile and you continue with dodging.

    I also sense he must have felt disrespected because he had a function to go to which he clearly stated as one reason he wanted your number to call. You tried to continue the exchange even though he wanted to go. He went as far as giving you his number because he so wanted to talk to you, plus go. It seemed inauthentic to me not responding to his email, not wanting to give your number and not wanting to call him. I am wondering if he was thinking “how then are we going to communicate”?.

    8. “Him: I like {your city} so it won’t be difficult to get me to want to drive up
    Him: but I also believe that both parties should share in the heavy lifting
    Him: fairness 50/50 balance etc…
    Me: Hmmm…perhaps in a relationship
    Me: but I like the man to be the man…and I will be the woman
    Me: I’m tiny; I am not adept at lifting heavy things”

    This might have communicated to him that his thinking is flawed. He wants to share the traveling and you are suggesting that you might not be open to traveling. I am wondering if the suspense could have been built by suggesting it depends on how much maculine muscle he shows with the heavy lifting? “I am tiny so I feel uncomfortable just thinking about lifting heavy things, that puts me at the bottom. I like to be on top.”

  427.  #427Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:05 am

    RE 406 Boomer on the flip side if he is really masculine and wants to work hard to earn something good I believe he will be back on the site with the hope you will be there. So you get a second chance at getting it right. Maybe go on a couple of times and tweak your profile, change the picture, just something to show that you are checking in so he has hope that you could possibly reconnect. I would go on at the same time for a couple of days.

  428.  #428Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:08 am

    RE 423 patti I apologize if I am overreacting but I am wondering if you are in a homeless shelter because of the breakup? Hope not, but if so I send blessings and abundance your way from the universe so you quickly get yourself back on your feet.

  429.  #429Brenda on February 15, 2011 at 9:08 am


    RE: #344 – I remember when you first joined the blog that your husband’s resistance to feeling messages was one of your questions.

    I experienced that with Kenny just recently, because it’s taken a while for me to get up and running and change those toxic relational patterns, and because it’s taken awhile for him to feel the shift.

    And that’s what I concluded. I really believe that when we use feeling messages and I want/don’t want messages, we are taking charge of our lives. We are setting boundaries in a respectful, gentle way.

    When the man is toxic, he feels the loss of control over us, and he resists the feeling messages and tries to place the blame on us. Kenny is the king of blame-shifting!

    I’ve had so much positive results with Rori’s tools that I have decided for me, I am going to use them the rest of my life, no matter if anyone likes them or not. LET them get triggered! Their triggers are their issues, not mine!

    My job is ME. I am changing me, for the better!

  430.  #430Senior Lady Vibe on February 15, 2011 at 9:09 am

    @372: Alicia says:

    “…Mikey: Will you accept saturday?
    Alicia: Ofcourse.. can’t wait. haha…”

    Really good vibe here. I think he l-i-k-e-s you…! A lot. Is this the same guy who sent the teddy bear? A sweet guy.


  431.  #431Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Femwoman – u Thought that she might be giving mixed signals

  432.  #432Brenda on February 15, 2011 at 9:14 am


    RE: #346 – “I’m here (shouting back) I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my soul, the captain of my true self. I’m here now, and I love my boat, and I love my crew. Anger, rage, despair, bitter disappointment, grief, today you are my crew, and I need you all . . but I am your captain, siren captain, and I am in charge. I’m here for you to let you play your part in getting this boat through the next few days. Here to encourage you all to play your part. England expects . . . .”

    I just copied an excerpt here, but your entire riff was beautiful and poetic, albeit sad. You could almost take that post as a poem, or a piece of Rori training material. Anyway, I really like it.

    I pray and wish the best for you as you finalize your divorce. Better days are ahead, for you and the whole crew on your ship!

    Love, Brenda

  433.  #433Brenda on February 15, 2011 at 9:17 am


    RE: #350 – I feel so happy to hear you got your puppy back! And doubly happy that he was just out celebrating Hump Day, I mean, Valentine’s Day! 😆 I love stories with happy endings!

  434.  #434Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:19 am

    RE 422 Pamelala with all due respect she suggested she likes masculine men. In man speak it could have translated into aggressive for him. Cave men went out, knocked women over their heads and dragged them back to their caves. He mentioned man cave first so he can’t be totally out of the loop, it is symbolic to him somehow.

    I also sensed he felt he was unheard because he seemed to be twisting himself in all kinds of rings to get to communicate with her and kept being blocked. Some other sirens here have complained how annoyed they were with guys who only seemed to want to write and stay behind the commuter. Boomer gets an opportunity to talk, to the point he surrenders his own number first but she counters with she does not want to call him first. Looking at the bigger picture I am asking myself what do we really want? An acceptance of the number with no promise to call back might have changed the dynamics of the conversation. She clearly stated she did not want to call first so he would have remembered that. I just feel there is no good faith effort in the conversation on Boomer’s part that might have encouraged the guy for him to really feel she was interested.

  435.  #435Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:22 am

    RE 431 Thanks Daria I know I am very masculine so sometimes I do that deliberately. When I first came on the site I had chosen masculinewoman for my name. It was on your suggestion that I changed it. I appreciate your keeping me on track. I need to write more often about feelings to help me along.

  436.  #436Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Mama gena says:

    Never forget the privilege that it is to be in your presence.

    Thus goes for mom and dad too! This will help! Yeah 🙂

  437.  #437Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Femwoman – I’m glad you’re practicing, but misusing it won’t help – just delay now – you’re way past that point of first using ‘feel’ and more savvy than you’re giving yourself credit for!

    I will be keeping my eye on you about those… You can get into the feelings faster by using it correctly

  438.  #438patti on February 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

    ty, but no not in a shelter, actually still living in the home with G.
    I work thru the VFW with the shelter.
    I feel sad /mad /invisible right now..he just called from work , scolded me for trying to look his new GF up on yahoo..( I havent) …grrrr I hung up on him at the first mention of her boundary.

  439.  #439Prairie Girl on February 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

    #360 Alicia those posts are amazing! So what I need to hear… Thank you!

  440.  #440Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Lorelei I read your post and I feel you. I am also wondering if you have done any body dialogue to love your gut and to acknowledge it for carry all the pain of the past and the present? I am wondering if you have surrendered to what is?

  441.  #441Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Alicia I am saving those posts. Thanks a million for sharing.

  442.  #442Pamelala on February 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I feel cared for by my new CD-to-be BaseballGuy. He sent a nice e-mail after our phone conversation. I told him replied that I was feeling silly for rambling on in our phone conversation but his e-mail made me feel happy. He replied this morning, “Feeling silly? If you were rambling, I didn’t notice it. I’m so looking forward to meeting you this weekend.” So sweet.

    In contrast, HunkyGuy sent a text on Sat, referring to our upcoming date on Friday asking, “Would you like to do lunch?” I replied, “Sure, that sounds fun.” Since then, no reply, no anything. I already told him that it would feel good to have the time/place confirmed a few days ahead of time. So, we’ll see if he comes through with that. I’m getting the sense that he was turned off by my questions about what I found on google and he’s backed off big-time. That’s OK…I’m seeing PoetryMan on Sat and BaseballGuy on Sun and feeling good about that.

  443.  #443Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I am laying in bed enjoying my valentines – hooky day from labor – present to myself…

    And thinking about Italian guy… I feel so vulnerable, afraid, and UNcomfortable! Will communicate all this…

    But I have some thoughts like… That’s how he is, he can’t genuinely change, but I don’t know that.

    I just know I’m feeling icky and tense and blocked off lest my energy drains

    He had his hand on me for a long time and I felt like I was being drained and had to Ewwww! Literally move around and get his hand off.

    Eventually I got myself in a leanback physical position – sigh of relief – but that’s when he didn’t do anything! No leaning forward

    Well I will do my job, it’s a blessing to him for me to be honest with him

    I feel guilt like I ‘have’ to like him but I don’t, right?

    I am worthy – and I feel a bit icky about all this waiting, confusion, etc – overwhelmed!

    I’d rather just runaway from it all

    You know, maybe I will!

    Pushing myself doesn’t work for me on other stuff, so why would it here.. It won’t… So I’ll take my space to refresh.

    I’m feeling a bit sad cuz I really like how you’re a gentleman and really dependable and supportive, and I don’t want to lose that.

    (guess that’s why I’m holding on! I think I won’t get another man that treats me so good in those ways – but I will! )

    The truth is I feel shutdown, and uncomfortable … I don’t want a guy who doesn’t take the lead… O don’t want to have to lean into a guy to kiss him, or be touched really softly,

    Or be asked and expected to lead with suggestions…

    And I don’t think you can be that man – but I’ll leave that thought at home and just say

    I feel really vulnerable and uncomfortable talking about this. What do u thunk?

  444.  #444Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Yay patti for hanging up! My first step w boundaries was hanging up too.

  445.  #445Senior Lady Vibe on February 15, 2011 at 9:43 am

    @422 Pamelala says:

    “… I want to know that he will be a protector of my feelings rather than an invader…”

    Wise words.


  446.  #446Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Pamelala – what did u find on google?

  447.  #447Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Patti you feel like a strong spirit.

  448.  #448Brenda on February 15, 2011 at 9:47 am


    RE: #406 – “Boundaries”: Can you say that? Sure you can! “Respect”: Can you say that? Sure you can!”

    For practice, how you handled it was fine. If it were me, after the first go-around about the number, I would have ended it. The man obviously doesn’t respect boundaries.

    I would have really been saying, “I don’t feel heard. I don’t want to be disrespected and pressured when I state that I don’t feel safe yet.” Something like that.

    In the beginning, for me, i felt a lil uncomfortable about repeated feeling messages about being the girl. It seemed over the top. If it were me, also, I wouldn’t even discuss past the first date, who would meet who. If he were willing to come to me the first date, that’s all I would concern myself with on such a fresh contact.

    Hope that helps.

  449.  #449Pamelala on February 15, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Daria, I found his name on a site called , “Don’t Date Him Girl.” It was posted in 2009 by an ex girlfriend saying that he was a liar, cheater and sex-addict.

    I told him that I understand that anyone can write anything but those particular characteristics are deal-breakers for me. He wrote back and explained, said it wasn’t true, has tried to have the comments removed. Ultimately, we decided to still get together, but his backing off makes me curious about what is going on with him.

  450.  #450Prairie Girl on February 15, 2011 at 9:50 am

    #270 Boomer You and I seem to be at such similar paths on this transition.. LOL I LOVE it!

    Be very assured that Lawman Cowboy went to bed having very naughty thoughts about me.. I told him I’ve sworn off sex and am heading for the nunnery he said he’d be my monk…

    I did FM great via email… I’m still working on the dang busted LIVE ones!!!!! Why is that so much more challenging?

    I feel very confident in my sexual abilities/sensuality… not that I wouldn’t mind taking a class from Kaitlyn (I hope you take to offense at that Kaitlyn I mean it with admiration!) For all I’ve been told being with me was an experience like no other, and all that crap… They sure as heck don’t pay me, they disappear (I’m changing that belief though!!!) So I apparently aint THAT good.. LOL

    LCboy had a LOT of comments about how men are… He said that they opperate by red and green lights… If we say “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” that’s really NOT a read light to them.. it means test the fence again later (do you all know about electric fences? They use them for livestock.. single wire.. portable so you can move the stock..)

    Anyway he says that all bulls will test the fence every now and then to see if it’s still “hot” – red light… Like try and kiss you after you said no relationship… If you let him then it’s a green light… You slap his hand at your shirt – red light… will be tested again at a later time (maybe 15 min later) to see if the fence is still hot..

    He was a little twisted… We’d be talking religion and sprituality and everytime it would prompt him to ask a sexual question.. I LMAO everytime.. Then I would say “it really doesn’t matter how much I might like/how good I might be at that, i don’t look like barbie so you should probably move on” then laugh at him…

    His message so far that I’m still a sexual girl even if I’m sworn off… Good thing he lives 3-4 hrs away from me, my fence is not hot enough to turn a sexy bull like that away at the moment…

    I told him to me at the moment sex like eating candy I’m allergic to but love.. I know it will taste/feel good but I’ll be sick as a dog for weeks after and I’m just not willing to do it…Or so I tell myself… I’m going out to buy a hotter charger for my elec fence though after talking to him…

    Oh that’s another thing… my CDs are getting closer and closer… interesting..


  451.  #451Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Daria I remember her mentioning something about him being a cheater and to run, apparently from an ex, about 3 topics ago she posted that.

    RE 431 Daria would “it felt like you were sending mixed signals” be okay?

  452.  #452Prairie Girl on February 15, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Oh you guys I’m getting behind on posts.. last week I was slow w/work… contimplating my toe nail polish… Suddenly my waiting list is 2 weeks (min) out and I got new work coming in later today…

    I’m gonna have to be good and not be on here so much… I’ll try and skim when I take breaks..

    I love siren island so much… Thank you all for being here!!!

    Angels on your bodies.

  453.  #453Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Uhoh even patti you feel like a strong spirit doesn’t work it is more like you seem like a strong spirit

    Feelings are in our body, like happy sad angry afraid.

    Tho maybe if a strong spirit inspires a certain feeling way you could say you feel that same way experiencing her

    But nah it still doesn’t really work it’s more like you’re appraising her to be a strong spirit

    Maybe you feel inspired by her, or empowered or energized

  454.  #454Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:55 am

    RE 450 “I’m still working on the dang busted LIVE ones!!!!! ” Because it means so much to us our emotional brain takes over and hijacks our logical/rational thinking. When emotions are high we cannot think straight. Reason for pause, breathe, then speak. I have a boss who actually asks for a moment to “toss it around in my head” or “wrap it around my mind”, pauses, then answers.

  455.  #455Femininewoman on February 15, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Patti I feel inspired by your strong spirit.

  456.  #456Daria on February 15, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Femininewoman – no.

    Perhaps it felt confusing… Did you feel confused? How did you feel reading it. I felt uhoh… And concerned (uhoh is a new made up feeling for me)

    What works is:
    I thought that you were sending mixed signals

    Or it seemed that you were…

    Remember all advice and teaching – like what im talking like now – is masculine so masculine voice is appropriate there