Vote For Yourself And Have It All!

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0608262920-sidewglassessmallI’m going to use voting as a Tool to feel more powerful – so let’s look at it from the personal perspective of your entire life – not just your love life.

Let’s say that voting isn’t about politics – it’s about empowerment. It’s about believing that you count. Just you, one person, one woman.

We get so caught up in feeling like part of a “group” – where we have little influence on others, and yet the “culture” of the group infuences US.

And then we narrow that down even further, and:

*We feel a man has influence over us, but we have none over him.

*We feel an environment has control over us

*We feel a boss, a co-worker, a client, a customer, money has control over us and we’re nearly powerless before them.

Every minute, we start to feel more and more helpless – more and more like an “effect” of what happens, rather than “at cause.”

We start to feel like a vapor instead of solid.

With a manJust the fact and the feeling that we love him or desire him makes us feel weak.

And then we react to that in different ways.

We can react to feeling weakened by our desire by running away from him.

And if running away doesn’t work, because he feels actually even more inspired to chase us – then we push him away.

We push him away by closing our hearts, by treating him as if he’s an irresponsible, unworthy child who needs our guidance, and by unleashing all our stored up anger and fear on him.

Not registering to vote, and not showing up to vote for ANYTHING are the same – on a huger scale.

We feel powerless. We feel unimportant.

It’s so easy to quote statistics to PROVE we’re powerless in the world, just as we can easily quote statistics to prove there are no good men out there and that most marriages fail.

We can talk ourselves out of power.

Let’s REVERSE THIS!!!

Let’s talk ourselves INTO Power. Into believing we HAVE Power.

To feel empowered with a man:

*We have to believe in our own desires – that they are WORTHY, that they are GOOD.

*That, just because we’re a woman, we DESERVE and are entitled to HAVE our desires.

*And from there – when a man shows up who actually wants to help us have what we want in love and life – we can agree with him!

*We can RECEIVE the love he has to offer. We can TAKE what he gives. We can feel our power to influence HIS life – without even trying.

In the world, in our work – to feel empowered:

We need to feel we not only have choices, but that we can be “okay” – even “good” – no matter WHAT happens.

That we can make lemonade from lemons, paths to “happy” from garbage heaps, and get directions from inside ourselves instead of hoping they’ll show up in big letters on a wall in front of us.

We’d all like to be told: Turn left here->

And yet – we can’t ever be satisfied and happy that way. We’ll grow resentment and anger, and feel even more helpless by the minute if we’re always looking for road signs out there to follow.

So start with small things to begin believing that you make a difference in your world.

See how when you water a plant and take care of it, it grows. See how – instead of following tragedy and pain in the news, you read about and watch things that inspire you, make you feel creative, and make you want to take ACTION for yourself (I love home-decorating shows because of this).

See how when you love an animal or a child, just from the overflowing radiance of your heart, and not from a desire to GET love back, it blossoms.

See how when you give love to YOURSELF, you bloom. And see how when YOU bloom, everyone around you blooms, too.

Your man blooms, your boss blooms, your work blossoms, your connections increase. And as they bloom and increase – their feelings for YOU bloom and increase. The begin to show love to you more.

So, register in your heart, your home, your circle of friends, your surroundings at work, your desk, your building, your man’s face, your wardrobe…everything – to vote!!!! And vote for YOU!!!

Make a decision that you count, no matter what anyone has ever said to you.

I know that decision-making is a challenge for so many of us. We’re riddled with “What-ifs” and looking for a clear answer.

The truth is – there’s hardly ever a clear answer. We can’t know the outcome of anything we decide. It’s not all clean and neat like that.

What we have to do is decide anyway. We have to VOTE. And we have to learn how to feel if that vote is being cast for US – or for someone else.

For someone else’s dreams and wants and needs instead of our own.

For someone else’s momentary pleasure and a moment of a lessening of fear for us.

Voting is not about fear – it’s about POWER. It’s not about doubt – it’s about going with your gut.

It’s about “casting” your vote for YOU – Throwing it directly at the target that is yourself.

Vote for yourself ALWAYS! As if your vote would be the deciding vote – because it is..

Knowing what’s going to actually SERVE you best is how you gather the information you need to make decisions and cast your vote for yourself in all kinds of situations.

Some of these decision-making experiences involve “technical” knowledge. How to set things up. How to move things around. How to organize and number.

And ALL of these decisions rely on your feminine energy to feel organic and true for you. To feel the impulse coming from your Inner Girl, instead of from the head of your Inner Boy.

To learn how to access BOTH your Boy energy and your Girl energy so you can get your boy busy acing the technical, mechanical aspects of your life – and do that based on the intuition and instincts of your girl energy – check out my new Have It All teleclass membership program. We begin on Tuesday, March 10th at 5:30pm PDT.

Follow this link to learn more about how to Have It All:

http://www.coachrori.com/have-it-all-teleclass-membership/

There are already five “Have It All” studio recordings in the program now – you can download them instantly. They’ll kick-start your “Having It All,” and set us up for the interactive work we’ll be doing together in the live teleclass calls.

Come join me, get your “Have It All” questions answered – AND your BUSINESS questions answered, too – everything from website design and function to asking for promotions, to promoting your own, entrepreneurial business with good marketing strategy and Tools…anything.

Hear me talk live about being a Modern Siren in an EXPANDED way – as a Business Siren who “Has It All.”

Don’t give up on ANYTHING. Keep your dreams of love alive, vote for yourself, and I’ll keep giving you Tools to make it all happen.

Love, Rori

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233 Comments

  1.  #1Miss Bells on March 5, 2015 at 7:19 am

    This one hit home for me. I could really use some help. The man just had a double bypass two weeks ago and was released from the hospital one week ago. He is doing the exact opposite of doctor’s orders–lifting heavy objects, not taking his meds properly, drinking… He could die.
    He has completely shut me out. He is treating me like an annoying house mate. He is not supposed to drive for a month. I already said I would do it. He has a doctor’s appointment on Friday. So he says–well if you can drive that is great, otherwise I will do it. He doesn’t want me to do anything, even though he agreed to follow the protocol for 30 days. There is no one else near by that can be counted on.
    So–I am going out of my way and getting pooped on at the same time. I would leave if I could in good conscience.
    Heart surgery can have heavy emotional effects, including severe depression. He is depressed and delusional and doesn’t know it. There are guns in the house. I don’t want him left alone, but I don’t want to be here anymore in what is clearly an abusive situation.



  2.  #2Elsie on March 5, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Miss Bells – that sound stressful. How long have you been with him? Do you live there too? Sorry, I dont know the story, I’ve been gone for a while. 🙂

    Without knowing more, I would say that this man is an adult. And yes, he may have severe depression, and yes, you may feel as if you are going against your conscience by leaving him. But you are the most important here. You dont deserve abuse, and God forbid if there are guns in the house and he decides to hurt you by his not thinking straight. I would call the doctors, and the police, and let them know what is going on and then call his family members, friends, co workers, and let someone else handle this. Surely there is someone else besides you that can help?



  3.  #3Miss Bells on March 5, 2015 at 7:36 am

    I have lived with him for 8 years now. I am 58, he is 65.
    He has always had intimacy issues, but has slowly gotten better.
    I have started traveling quite a bit in my work, and we had been planning on moving. I want to go to Taos and intend to buy land. He said he would think about it.
    I won’t leave within the 30 days unless someone trustworthy takes over.
    He has no siblings and no children. His parents have been gone for many years. The only relatives are cousins who live far away. He has lots of party pals and few real friends. I am not worried about him hurting me. Hurting himself is another story.
    I do plan on ratting him out to the doctor.
    If he makes it through there will be big changes. I don’t want to live like this.
    I could live by myself in the high desert and make my career go into overdrive.



  4.  #4Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Miss Bells,
    I concur with Elsie. In addition, if he has a church get them involved as they have outreach with people trained for this. Please do this today!



  5.  #5Elsie on March 5, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Miss Bells – it sounds like a frustrating situation. 8 years is a long time to be with someone. I understand you care for him and want the best for him. I would just do what you need to do to take care of him, but not overextend yourself. You need to put the proverbial oxygen mask on yourself first – take care of yourself first, and then after 30 days if things are not where you feel good and happy, then you should leave. Life is short, as his surgery shows, and you should make the most of it. You are not indebted to take care of someone ungrateful forever. I know. My ex husband has a very severe medical condition. I stayed 8 years too long because of guilt. I have a bit of a unique perspective on this, and while I did feel guilty at times, I know for a fact it was the right decision due to his behavior towards me. Good luck, its a hard road for you sweetie. 🙂



  6.  #6Miss Bells on March 5, 2015 at 7:56 am

    He has always been self-employed and is a musician as well as having a little side business. No church, no community groups.
    And he is not really open to all that.

    I already did this once. Stayed with my very ill late ex. Finally, it became clear that if I left his parents would take over and they had plenty of money. So I left and his liver failed about 11 months later at 53. That marriage lasted 10 years.

    I don’t want to repeat this. H.S. even said the other day he wasn’t like Tom (my late husband). But–he is…



  7.  #7Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 8:01 am

    Miss Bells,
    You are not “ratting” him out to the doctor. You are doing an act of great mercy and ultimate kindness, loving and caring for your best friend. Notify all his doctors, they can get him a social worker to assist if need be. Please do it today, don’t wait.

    People react in all kinds of ways to surgery, medications and anesthesia. They get confused and often hrt the ones closest to them because they just don’t know what they are doing.

    Cautionary tale for us all. In any committed relationship it is good to have a written plan on what to do, who to call in case anything happens. Accidents do happen as well, no matter the age.



  8.  #8Miss Bells on March 5, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Heart surgery can make you “not yourself”.

    He was doing very well with me until after he came out of the ICU.

    This is not uncommon. I want to protect myself and him until I know what is real and what is not.



  9.  #9victoria on March 5, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Miss Bells
    He will need at least a month after the surgery to return to normal. He totally does not realize that he is mean to you.



  10.  #10Miss Bells on March 5, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Our friend Cindy is giving him a ride to the pharmacy and the Doc’s office called just after they left.
    I was able to express my concerns without him hearing me. I told her he would deny all of it when they ask. So now the Doc can reiterate the difference between doctor’s orders and casual suggestions.

    One problem is that any concern on my part reads as “being his mother” on his. And, normally this is not the case. I am laid back and focussed on my stuff. I am not at all motherly, though I do like to cook. That is part of my profession as a food writer.

    We had a nice loose fun partnership. He is the one with the anxiety disorder (diagnosed) BEFORE the surgery…



  11.  #11Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 10:24 am

    I relate to this post a lot. I think I am voting for me but when push comes to shove I am pushing away the people who most want to help me.

    I get so defensive when people want to help. I really, really don’t want to be thought of as stupid and that’s what it feels like. I totally close my heart because I think if I open to help it will somehow hurt me more.

    My daughter has been very helpful and tries to get me to see the truth. She was so frustrated because of how I treated MusicTd as she thought I was rejecting. So as in every rel. or non-rel. it most likely was 50% my fault too. However, in the end I know I have made the right decision in this case.

    Yesterday, she and I went over the same area as I got very defensive with her as she tried to answer my questions about this logic topic the Lawguy is offering to help me with. At one point she even said, ‘Mom I’m trying to help you.’

    Well, I’ve been thinking about this until now and have time to formulate an accepting email as he has offered to help me. I am discarding all answers that include making fun of him or situation, or sarcasm, or belittling which is my defense posture. So this email has let me become more aware of what I am doing.

    So I am voting against myself here. Is it because I don’t think I deserve it?



  12.  #12prplpsn28 on March 5, 2015 at 10:46 am

    🙂



  13.  #13Gemini Goddess on March 5, 2015 at 10:57 am

    Rori-

    I’m confused. I don’t have a business, no idea for a business, and don’t necessarily want to be a relationship coach.

    I DO have a low professional libido (as you say in the report), which doesn’t match the rest of me, and doesn’t feel good. Is this program for me?

    XXOO
    Gemini Goddess



  14.  #14lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    mistea1

    i cannot imagine anyone considering you ‘stupid’…your intelligence can’t help but shine thro….

    but i also know in my case it can be a wonderful defense mechanism….getting out of my heart into my head works non-miracles…

    i don’t know if this rings a bell for you…
    and yes asking for help makes us vulnerable….it also completes the cycle of love…giving and receiving…
    xoxoxo



  15.  #15lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    i feel my online experience such far has been therapy..

    i feel some of it has been in the ‘de-sensitizing’ realm

    i have gotten to experience my deathly fear of rejection and recognize what happens to me, the chemical flood of it…how it takes over, what i do to avoid it, the pull of it, the stories i make up…oh my gosh it has and i imagine will continue to show up and help me heal…

    because i see it now…i see how since very young i internalized it and made stories about why i felt bad, sad, not enough, wrong, little and on and on…

    i love me and the little ages of me thru to now…
    i see how beautiful i am
    and that however a man does or doesn’t respond to me….

    i am not at the mercy of that…

    i feel more than ever that i am just purely lovely and wonderfull….single, in two’s, attached, or merrily on my way however….



  16.  #16April Rose on March 5, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    Dear loving sirens,

    From the depths of my heart I thank each and every one of you. You were there for me in my dark hour of need, and I will never forget that.

    I have learned such a huge lesson. I learned how my mind made a story up which had me on my knees retching and sobbing.

    I believed that something precious had been destroyed.
    It was a massive lie.

    Bless you so much for helping me to see that. And for encouraging me to feel rather than act. And to be gentle and patient with myself.
    The love here between us is stupendous.



  17.  #17Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    lovetodance 14,

    Oh, thanks for making me laugh, ‘ getting out of my heart to my head works non-miracles.” very good.

    And of course the cycle of love the giving and receiving.

    Must remember this, must remember this, m………..

    I seem to be so defensive about this still.



  18.  #18Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    OK, I can do this.

    “Your task is not to seek for love
    but merely to seek and find
    all the barriers within youself
    that you have built against it. Rumi



  19.  #19lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    whoa mistea1

    that rumi huh!

    a guy whose got it going on!

    thanks for posting
    xoxo



  20.  #20Mandy on March 5, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    I felt so stuck I looked into healing therapy for partners of sex addicts (or in my case, sexual anorexia, or sexual aversion disorder.)

    I wrote out what I want to tell J, that he needs to go to the doc (in my Sireny Love Script way).

    But I DON’T have the GUTS to give it to him…I need help, a boost, a kick in the ass, some help, some encouragement…

    Can I do this??? I FEEL SO STUCK!

    Wah 🙁 I feel so helpless!



  21.  #21Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    Rori, first of all I love this photo of you!! I love your sunshiny vibe, it shows through in this picture! And second, thanks for the reminder to vote for me….
    I am voting for Emerson <3



  22.  #22Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    16 ((April Rose))



  23.  #23Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    Sirens I need your advice!! I had a lovely date last weekend that I spoke about…and the guy even told me he likes me at the end of the date, we exchanged phone numbers, and he has been texting me every day since.

    But…..

    not making plans for another date.

    Now he text me again today, saying hello etc and that he will be out of town this weekend….and that’s it.

    I don’t feel like responding because I”m bored with texting. If I do reply what should I say!? I am stuck.

    I’m feeling annoyed but as Rori says I am going to vote for me, and that does not really serve me to be annoyed….I can’t be impatient and jump to conclusions….

    I can be positive and keep using the tools….

    My online prospects have dried up a bit…some of the men I talk to just turn me off like a light switch. They come across as lazy and boring. I really can’t go out of my way to go on a date for that. Seriously.

    So I am going to ask some of my friends to fix me up with their single friends. That’s my next plan.



  24.  #24Gemini Goddess on March 5, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    LovetoDance 15

    That…is…beautiful! And, wow, “chemical flood of it”. So well put.

    Mistea1

    On defensiveness, this has been a theme for me for the past few years. At first I just noted how I responded defensively, realizing it was a result of my own critical internal voices causing me to hear others in the same tone. Then I consciously just didn’t respond when I felt it, or responded minimally. Then I responded, but listened carefully to my own tone. I don’t know if it makes sense, but even I were speaking some other language, the energy/tone/everything would have been clearly defensive, that’s what I was “listening” for. Now I’m so good at noticing it in advance, I’ve nearly illuminated it, and when I do still hear it in my response, I’ll ask for a response “do over”. I’ll SAY I didn’t like the way my response sounded and want to try again. No one ever says no to that, especially my kids. 🙂

    (April Rose)!



  25.  #25Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Miss Bells I am sorry for all you’ve been going through with H. That sounds extremely stressful. It’s so hard to reason with someone in that type of situation…and emotionally draining. I hope things take a turn for the better….



  26.  #26lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    sooooo

    a lovely 2nd date with such a real man….who lacks confidence with women…he told me…i love that he told me…and really to look at him…a big man alittle sad sackish…but still could have that big handsome man appeal….if only his story didn’t get in the way…

    sound familiar to anyone? well it does to me…all the stories i have told myself…getting in my way….

    i just don’t know if i could be lovers with someone who has the same issues i do…yet even more so….

    i just keep saying to myself…Vote for YOUrself! don’t try to fix anyone else or heal anyone….do for yourself!

    the other cd whom we had a vibrant back and forth online….i told him that i would feel better talking/meeting…he said yes…gave me his number and i called a few days later….i wasn’t feeling my most
    confident….maybe he heard that in my voice…

    in any case i left a message saying sorry your not there and we’ll talk…
    well he hasn’t returned the call…and he has my number now…its been 2 days….and this was someone who stayed VERY in touch online….
    my question…should i call again or just leave it be?



  27.  #27Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    Hi Lovetodance…
    How would it feel to call again? How does that feel in your body when you think about it? Does it feel like leaning over a table or does it feel like leaning back in a chair?

    Regarding the man with the story, that you describe as a bit sad sack…there is something called oversharing that Patty Stanger talks about….and I feel that’s maybe what happened here…
    It’s great that they’re open and all that, but sometimes…..too much is too much…too soon…
    You are not his psychologist!
    I resent when men share too much baggage too soon…I guess in a way it’s a gift so I know if i want to deal with it or not, but at the same time I feel that it skews my perception when I don’t yet know him…and it feel heavy too soon…
    I feel it should be light in the beginning…otherwise how can attraction grow…when we are bombarded by a depressing story!?



  28.  #28Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    I’m having tea with a neighbor tonight and I imtend tom practice listening at level two and responding with therapeutic feeling messages ahahah



  29.  #29lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    emerson 27

    yes very perceptive…

    i so don’t want to be his psychologist and i feel myself already having done some building up of him…oh my tendencies are deep….

    yes i would love for all that not have been on the table right way…i need to fall in love with someone who feels strong to me…i feel/see it in him but his frontal cortex story is what he is presenting with ….oh gosh…

    i feel ready to love…and this guy…i feel for…but i need him to be stronger…i could be the guy here and he would like it …but i donwannabe….i wanna be the girl….

    he did just text with some lovely romantic images ….confidence a showing……

    bout the 2nd call…nope it doesn’t feel right…this man can get ahold of me if he wants…

    thank you sweet siren emerson…have a good practice with the neighbor….xoxoxo



  30.  #30Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Gemini Goddess 24,
    Thanks for your response to my defensiveness. So you are saying that you listen for it in your voice? Then you ask for a do over if you hear too much coming out of you? I assume that you also change the wording if need be right?

    Lovetodance 26,
    “someone with the same issues as I have”
    MusicTd, I am embarrassed to admit, was my mirror completely. Maybe even more so than me.

    The point for me was that I could recognise the issues better when I saw him demonstrating them. And he did them admirably!

    So what I did then was fix them in myself, to heck with him. It worked out quite well. Hope this is helpful.



  31.  #31Mistea1 on March 5, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Here’s my funny memory.
    One time I came in a close second in a karaoke contest. little did I know that the song I sang was going to be the signature for my love life over the coming years.
    Crazy, sung by Patsy Cline

    Crazy, I’m crazy for feelin so lonely
    I’m crazy, crazy for feeling so blue

    I knew you;d love me as long as you wanted
    And then someday, you’d leave me for somebody new.

    Worry, why do I let myself worry?
    Wondering what in the world did I do?

    Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you.
    I’m crazy for trying crazy for crying and I’m crazy for loving you. (repeat)



  32.  #32Emerson on March 5, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    Ah lovetodance, it feels lovely to read your reply to me…I feel heard and I feel connected…thank you



  33.  #33lovetodance on March 5, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    yes mistea1

    this is what i am working on…really truely believing how beautiful i am and how any man…any man would be lucky to be sitting with me, talking to me, kissing me or more…

    and even if there aren’t any around…no problem i still am that beautiful alluring woman to myself…gosh who needs a relationship?….especially one that isn’t absolutely wonderful?

    so it is not lost on me that i have attracted a man who is mirroring my inner boy…beautiful, anemic, lacks confidence, mischievious, rebellious, stuck in his story of not good enough…

    but we will see…as i change…if i continue to see him…so maybe he will…but its not my job…its not my job…I Vote For Me and my healing….he is a grown man who has survived much…amazing he is walking talking and able to counsel others now…he is very compassionate and kind….

    anyhow a new online cd to investigate…gosh…can i juggle this and keep my emotions in check and centered…i guess this is my time to find out

    thank you mistea1 for your feedback….xoxo



  34.  #34Lovergirl on March 5, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    This idea of a man being your mirror is intriguing to me. Lately my guy has seemed more mistrustful of me. Its like he assumes the worst or thinks I am lying to him when I totally am not! It’s upsetting to me and I pointed it out to him recently but I think I need to word it as a feeling message. Like, somehow tell him it makes my heart sink to feel like I am being seen as a liar when I am telling the truth.

    I think of how mistrustful I have been of men in the past and men in general and its like its all coming back on me now. I finally meet a guy that I believe is honest about things and HE thinks I’m the one lying to him!

    I know that when I don’t trust people its really more about things inside of me and experiences in the past than it is about them. So I am trying to remember that but at the same time point it out to him. It doesn’t feel good not to be trusted.



  35.  #35Lovergirl on March 5, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    @20 Mandy-
    You CAN do it! You need to! It’s tough love for the both of you but it will feel so much better to get it out in the open and deal with it than to keep it all inside.



  36.  #36Indigo on March 5, 2015 at 10:30 pm

    lovetodance 26,

    If I may give you my little piece of wisdom from online dating – don’t get into the habit of contacting a guy first. Perhaps you phoned him because of a safety issue, but I really encourage you to let him phone you. You can encourage him with telling him how nice it would feel. Really get the feeling of him pursuing you right from the beginning. When the energy dynamic is set up like this, you never have to worry about him contacting you or returning your call. It just isn’t yours to worry about. Good luck!



  37.  #37Victoria on March 5, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    Ladies,
    I have not been able to write for a while, as I am in the middle of a difficult deal at work.
    I have seen very little of F., I am wondering whether he has felt neglected, but I am so stressed for the deal, that he has stopped being an anxiety trigger for me. Almost. Yesterday, I called him in the morning when I had a short break, he said he would call me back. Then, he did not, for the whole afternoon, and all my NVs started singing quitely that he does not care about me, that he knows I am in a very stressful deal, and I need to hear his voice, and he is not even bothering to give me a call.
    Then, at the end of the day, I checked my phone (it’s a new handset that I am not used to), and I realized I had blocked F’s number while I was fiddling with the phone. As soon as I unblocked it, I had 10 missed calls from him. I was so embarassed with myself. We spoke eventually, I was too ashamed to tell him I had blocked his number without noticing, I told him my phone was broken …
    I am still so untrusting… and the NVs are still around, smiling quietly, ready to speak up as soon as they have a chance… I love you, NVs, but please have a nap, I myself have slept 6 hours for the last week…



  38.  #38Gemini Goddess on March 5, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Mistea1

    Yes, at this point if a defensive response escapes my lips (and it’s situationally appropriate), I ask for a “do over”. I’ll say something like “Wow, that sounded defensive/crummy/whatever. Let me try again”, at which point I’ll consciously change my whole energy and respond again…new and improved. And by change my energy I mean I let go of the pressure in my face and tension in my jaw, which just alters my demeanor.

    This came up for me about 5+ years ago (still married and miserable). I noticed an almost constant pressure in my face, like baring down on something, and clenched jaw. Like I say, I realized I felt it almost all the time, which was rather alarming and I figured it couldn’t be good for my complexion (No lie. That was my thought, or at least that’s how it started). After a few months of paying attention for the sake of better skin, I associated it with feeling defensive and insecure, which was also (obviously) almost constant. I was working so hard to cover up so much I was a walking pressure cooker, just didn’t know it.

    At first I just worked on releasing the tension when I (realized) I felt it. There was no judgement involved. I didn’t know what I was doing. It just felt better, and I started simultaneously processing my crap (which led to a necessary divorce). Over years of this the net result was like the “fake it ’till you ARE it” principal. I felt so much better. It’s hard to describe. And the defensive feeling has almost completely diminished along with it. Phew! I guess I inadvertently went at it backwards, but it worked. The physical sensation now tells me when I’m feeling defensive.

    Now I can recognize the feeling almost instantly, and release the tension and avoid the defensiveness. I’m still working on it, thus when one slips out, I correct course…release pressure…which effectively changes my energy.

    I apologize this isn’t that articulate. I’ve never really considered it this deeply. It’s just something I do subconsciously. (And I’m dead tired from a brutal night of no diapers on my little guy last night)

    P.S. One more thought… about your theme song…pick a new one! 🙂

    XXOO



  39.  #39Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 3:35 am

    {{{{Dominique}}}}} #149
    from last thread
    Mmmmm… your words washed over me like a
    warm shower on a cold, cold day…
    Thank you!
    These words of reassurance that I AM moving forward…
    That I AM going deeper NOT repeating the same lessons!!
    The links were yummy to read…
    I find your spirit warm and reassuring always.

    This time I can see (thank you Spirit) the lesson of being invisible…
    It’s ME that is keeping ME invisible…
    All the MANY things I do every minute, every hour, every day
    that keeps ME locked up in being NOTHING to ME
    NOT TAKING CAREFUL ADORING
    CARE of ME!!!
    Sooo I have started learning how to take exquisite care of ME!!
    and already I can see a change in ME!!
    BUT it took all the lessons I’ve learned up till NOW.
    To get to HERE!!

    I’m feeling worn out and tired…
    Missing Spirit,
    missing being hugged and held and pampered…
    but NOT tired of being left out and made invisible

    Tired of dating,
    Tired of trying again
    I feel tired…
    BUT I LOVE taking care of ME!!!
    it’s in MY control



  40.  #40Elsie on March 6, 2015 at 5:12 am

    @lovetodance – let it be. Dont contact him again. He is not trapped under something heavy. He is not off on a mission trip to Uzbekistan. He is making the choice not to call you. As hurtful as that is, who cares why. Its not up to you to figure it out. There were times I didnt text or call a man back because I didnt feel it, or I was dealing with GS or CollegeCD or whatever, and it had really nothing to do with them. This has nothing to do with you. Just let him be. Its not a commentary on you, so please dont take it that way, and dont call him again. Read that book – Why Men Love B****** 🙂 Its very similar to what Rori says but in a different feel. 🙂

    Also, frankly, I love the fact that this man overshared….and it felt icky. You know what – we could ALL learn a lesson here – me especially. Dont overshare and have verbal diarrhea all over a man because you know what – dial it back a bit. We do this to men and then wonder why they dont care about us. Well, maybe a bit of the mystery is gone or rather now they know more about us but its not great. LOL. Good lesson to learn. I’m glad he did this to you only so we can all learn from it!

    @Mistea I do know that song well, but you know – maybe you could make a conscious choice to pick a different song right now to represent your love life. Like Barracuda. 🙂 LOL.

    Update on me. CollegeCD hasnt contacted me. And you know what I did? I went back to the timeframe on here when I had problems like this with him before, and it was eye-opening. I read my own writings about him a year and a half ago and realized that he is doing the SAME THING again. This blog is like a time capsule for me, and it was nice to go back and realize that this is truly HIS issue (and a huge one) and not mine. So, that said, while he is amazing when I’m with him, I’m tired of the yo yo business and I’m getting off this merry go round.

    Yesterday was also a big deal for me. It marked the three year anniversary of me actually going on a date and kissing GS for the first time. Ever. And it marked the beginning of me getting out of a horrible marriage and to where I am today. I crafted this really amazing text, and I sat with it and wept over it. I wanted to send it to him just to let him know how much what he did for me helped my life, my daughters life. But I realized, as I sat there weeping with big fat tears hitting my clothes, that I wasnt ready to send that to him yet. Someday I will, but clearly even though it would have been dramatic and poignant on that day, I”m still not emotionally ready to hear whatever he has to say to me – even if its lovely and kind, which I’m sure it would be. Instead, I bought myself flowers, and remembered that while GS helped me through everything and I couldnt have done it without him, I honestly have myself to thank too for all the hard work I’ve done. My flowers are lovely. 🙂 I deserve them.

    And the new guy in rotation – the Cop seems very nice. He and I texted all day yesterday and he seems nice. I sometimes feel as if between GS and CollegeCD my ability to love someone else is just broken. I was never able to get there in the 5 month that I dated the Fireman. But maybe not, I think I still have a lot of love to give, the problem is that for whoever comes next, these walls are quite large now, and I’m more defensive in posture. My days of being overcompensating and overworking things are over. I hope men like a challenge, because I think that is what I’ll be now for them. LOL.



  41.  #41Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 5:32 am

    PS…
    I had a nice date last night…
    His energy coming forward, towards ME…
    I leaned back in my chair…
    opened my heart everytime I felt myself
    tense
    close off…
    wow… i noticed how much more relaxed
    I felt then…
    Softened…
    Played with my bracelets, touched the table
    when I felt I wanted to shut down.
    Great practice…
    AND
    tonight
    i have a VERY romantic date
    with a man who asked me
    If you were going to have your last dinner on earth
    what would you want to order…
    I said – Lobster!
    Sooo… he’s taking me to the best seafood restaurant in town… made reservations while we were on the phone and confirmed they offered lobster even though it’s off season…
    Mmmmmm… now THIS guy’s forward energy I
    LOVE! ;-))



  42.  #42Elsie on March 6, 2015 at 5:40 am

    Azure Blu – I’m totally jealous! I love lobster! And I love this guy for taking you to get some – very masculine and definitely rowing the boat 🙂



  43.  #43Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Elsie… yes… very masculine
    AND me wanting to say…
    Ohhh… are you sure you want to spend allll that money on our first date… I REALLY wanted to say that…
    THANK you Rori for your tools!
    I totally deserve a Lobster dinner on our first date!!
    LET the Man be in control… Let him row!!
    Ahhhh… Azure get out of your way and let others do for you, live their life…
    Wow I can see how MUCH i feel I need to control EVERYTHING… :-))
    No WONDER I’m tired!! ;–>



  44.  #44Elsie on March 6, 2015 at 5:54 am

    Azure Blu – NEVER talk a man out of buying you lobster. LOL. But I understand how you feel. We dont really think we are worth it yet. I get it. 🙂 Just dont control anything and go eat your lobster dinner – sounds awesome. 🙂



  45.  #45Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 6:14 am

    {{{{Elsie}}}
    Thank you!! xx



  46.  #46Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 6:31 am

    Elsie 40,
    OMG, what fun that Barracuda song was.
    “You’re selling a song, ..make up something quick..lying so low in the weeds….ambush me..”

    That perfectly describes the MusicTd situation. I’ll be chuckling all day over this.



  47.  #47Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 6:40 am

    Azure Blu41,43,
    I liked your date description, and what you did (bracelets) to difuse tension. Thanks.

    “No wonder I’m tired” and your recognition of the need to try and control it all. Yes, I’m too aware of that for me. Maybe that’s why I havent’ even made a move toward encouraging Lawguy to go beyond the email stuff. It’s so safe here too.



  48.  #48Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Gemini Goddess 38,
    Thank you for your excellent well worded response tired or no.

    I like how you were aware of the body feeling and worked directly with that. I will sometimes be so tense that I think I go out of body a little, so miss the cues. I think slowing down will be a big help.

    Yes, I will think about getting a new theme song. It’s so easy for my voice to sing Patsy Cline though.
    I liked the” Barracuda” one and also for general purposes “I hear music” when you look at me.” But it is too associated with the incident of hearing the Puccine aria when I was talking to MusicTd. Perhaps I’ll keep looking for one that expresses more me in the music or more general “sunshine round my shoulders” sort of thing.
    Any comments or more updated suggestions welcome.



  49.  #49Elsie on March 6, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Mistea – I think the reason you pick and stick with the song “Crazy” is because it allows you to stay the victim. I do this exact same thing. I say that this or that has happened TO ME. Well, circumstances are just neutral. How I react to them is my CHOICE. But if I act as if I dont really HAVE a choice, then I’m the victim, its not my fault, and now I feel sorry for myself and get upset and cry and feel mad/bad etc.

    Listen, I do not do intimacy for sport. CollegeCD KNOWS this about me – he knows it. And you know what? What happened last week happened. I havent heard from him anything substantial in a week and a half. I COULD say – look what he is doing to me, omg, I feel horrible, I”m crazy for loving him, crazy for feeling this way, my love isnt enough…..that means all my responsibility forthe situation is removed.

    Instead, now I say…..I made that decision. I thought it was going to go one way, and it didnt. I dont care why it didnt, it just didnt. I’m not going to try to figure out why anymore, but him not being in front of me feels bad, so I”m going to just move along and not wait for him to be in front of me.

    I’ll pick a new song. One with a happier melody, thank you 🙂 You should too. 🙂



  50.  #50Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 7:16 am

    lovetodance 33,

    Yes, the what might happen if I change me in the middle of the stream.

    I wondered about that with my abandonment issue, a big one. I worked on it and then would be around him to find out how my body was responding to my work. The more I felt relaxed and then felt normal around him the more standoffish and threatened he became. Most interesting. Then he really panicked whenI I felt comfortable enough to give him The Look. Oh my, he was turned on, I was turned on and he was in full defensive mode after that. I reference Rabbi Boteach’s Kosher Lust book for this.



  51.  #51Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 7:31 am

    Mistea…. #47
    ahhh the comfort zone…



  52.  #52lovetodance on March 6, 2015 at 9:06 am

    mistea1 50

    again it goes back to doing this for ourselves….becoming whole for ourselves…becoming the lovers we always wanted for ourselves….

    i believe the right man or mens who are whole enough in themselves step up….or not….but to keep healing our-selves is such a beautifull and worthy journey..as i feel you would agree…

    MusicCD was not worthy of you…and thats my not humble opinion….
    i get the feeling of a faux painting when i feel of him…pretty on the outside but not the real deal….thats just me….and my projection….

    and how about I Will Survive [ I insert Thrive for Survive} by Gloria Gaynor for another possible theme song…

    it would need some tweaking to really fit but alas the spirit of it says i got this…i don’t need this energy from you or anyone coming and doing me dis-service…including myself….does this make sense….

    here’s some of the lyrics..with some tweaking…

    ‘go on now walk out the door now [our physic door]
    just turn around now
    cause you’re not welcome anymore
    weren’t you the one who tried to break me with good-bye[ i say with desire]?
    did you think i’d crumble?
    did you think i’d lay down and die?

    oh no not me, i will survive [thrive]
    oh, as long as i know how to love
    i know i’ll stay alive
    i’ve got all my life to live
    and i’ve got all my love to give
    and i’ll survive [thrive] i will survive [thrive]
    i will THRIVE’



  53.  #53lovetodance on March 6, 2015 at 9:15 am

    azure blu

    i feel so happy you are being treated to a beautiful dinner
    and
    that last nite you had a date with a man who sounds like was really appreciating you!
    no surprise to me!

    and the playing with your bracelets, touching the table for grounding and reminding to stay open…all good reminders for me…

    I hear your ‘tiredness’ and i say of course…..like being thru a windstorm these last months….
    and after the storm…the calm there somewhere…
    may this approaching spring find you lightening the load….sweeping out the psychic and physical items that may weigh you down now….[i am thinking of what i need to let go in both arenas myself]

    i know this is happening will be happening for you….
    so much love and support to you…xoxoxo
    ps enjoy the lobster!



  54.  #54Gemini Goddess on March 6, 2015 at 9:20 am

    ((((Azure Blue))))

    Sounds like grand changes are afoot in you. So happy for you.

    A thought I’ve had recently about men and “spoiling” us, they WANT someone worthy of the spoiling. It makes them feel good about themselves. We women, deciding we are not worthy of it, fall away from them. YOU are worthy of the spoiling. 🙂

    I had to learn this in a hurry with D. He is a major spoiler and has been from the start. At first I was actually upset (if you can believe it), because I wanted it to be specifically about his feelings for ME, and when I realized he has done this for whoever he’s been with, it hurt my feelings…a LOT.

    I finally got it that this is just who he is, and maybe part of the reason the others fell away from HIM is because they did not feel worthy of his amazing generosity, (which BTW talking to him about it now, he took as a personal rejection. “Why don’t they like me?”). He likes to do this. Makes him feel super manly. I’ll let him, AND try not to find crazy reasons to invalidate myself in the process.

    Now that I’m not finding reasons to be defensive (there it is from the Mistea1 post), and am letting him know how much I appreciate it, he couldn’t be happier and finds new things to thrill me. (Three days ago he returned my crock-pot…surprise!…full of pot roast and veggies ready to plug in for me and my kids so I wouldn’t have to cook after work)

    I now see it is so text book, and here it is playing out real time in my life!

    XXOO



  55.  #55lovetodance on March 6, 2015 at 9:23 am

    elsie 40

    thank you savvy siren

    you are right…not another phonecall from me….and i forgot to give him my number so he could make the first call [Indigo you are so right]….

    its just always shocking to me tho when there has been a robust and feeling and creative back and forth…online…being pursued…and then nothing!

    but i am learning and getting stronger and not taking it to heart as much…if at all…this is sooooo good for me!

    about the cd who talks about his insecurities….well i feel i opened the flood gates to that one…and altho he has been very forthcoming about his issues….it has and hasn’t turned me off…

    i see he is great practice for me to keep my boundaries…not be a ‘therapist’ which has been my m.o and to keep putting myself first in the sense of taking care of me…

    i go back and forth about how much to get involved with him…i am observing, being very cautious, taking it slow….and i am drawn…i am watching myself here…

    thank you indigo and elsie and emerson for your feedback on my reflections about these two….xoxoxo



  56.  #56lovetodance on March 6, 2015 at 9:28 am

    gemini goddess

    i smile reading this last post….how your worthiness…how you learning to feel worthy has shown up in a way to help you and help him strengthen this joy bond between you! yay to self worth…and the pot roast …oh yeah!

    i loved your post about the releasing of your facial muscles and jaw when you feel tense…so articulate , so tuned in to put that together…
    that is what somatics is all about…the mind and body not being seperate…
    and the jaw
    totally related to the sacrum, lower back and might i say our lovely lady parts….

    so present gemini goddess you are!



  57.  #57Azure Blu on March 6, 2015 at 9:48 am

    Lovetodance & GG #53 & 54
    thank you so much for cheering me onward! ;->

    How wonderful that your man is a spoilin you daily!!

    I too loved the post about your facial muscles…
    Of COURSE I would only change
    if it helped my skin!!! LOL!!! 0x0x0

    I noticed my face musceles…
    and THEY were sooo tense
    Ahhh another way to relax and LET GO!!!



  58.  #58Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 11:11 am

    lovetodance 52,

    That’s an excellent choice and I like your changes. I’ve considered that one.

    The other ones I’ve looked at all have some direct coments about a particular person and this one is more concentrated on the will to survive (thrive) of me.
    Thanks

    Here’s another one I like that is for us sirens and giving the man the proper directions.

    Peel Me a Grape sung by Diana Krall
    Peel me a grape, crush me some ice
    Skin me a peach, save the fuzz for my pillow
    Talk to me nice, talk to me twice
    You’ve got to wine me, and dine me.
    Don’t try to fool me, bejewel me
    Either amuse me or lose me.
    I’m getting hungry, peel me a grape. ETC.



  59.  #59Gemini Goddess on March 6, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Victoria 37

    Great to hear from you! I was wondering where you were. Sorry about those lousy NV’s. I’d have felt the same way. Especially glad it was just a mix up! Hope you get some sleep soon.

    lovetodance

    Your acknowledgment feels so good! Beaming! I must look into this somatics and how the tension relates to my beloved sacrum. 🙂



  60.  #60Mandy on March 6, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    Rori and Sirens,

    Can you help me come up with a proper script to tell my guy to stop trying to control my life?

    So tired of J getting pissed at me being gone doing something I like to to, when he’s on one of his five days off (he only works weekends.)

    He gets mad when I’m gone on his day off, he gets mad if I go to the gym, he gets mad even if I go to the fitness room at our apartment. I can’t hardly ever work out as much as I need to because of him I notice.

    Yesterday he said to me he had a doctor’s appointment then asked if I wanted to come with him. I thought to myself um, heh, some personal time would be nice…Then he said, if you’re not coming to the doctor with me, you should go to the gym, because I’m not going to be happy if you didn’t use your time while I was gone, and you could’ve been with me.

    I thought to myself, I feel like every aspect of my life is being controlled.

    He even sees me buy something at the store for myself and says “You’re really gonna buy that?”. He controls my money, he controls the air conditioning, he controls what I do with my time and I can hardly ever have time to myself, and he controls my sex life.

    He even got mad because I didn’t tell him EXACTLY where I was at my last modeling shoot…I couldn’t give him an address because I was in a mountainous area!

    I know exactly what’s going on. He feels so insecure right now because he’s not giving me what I need and this is when all his other relationships ended or when he was cheated on. I suppose he expects me to do one or the other and right now.



  61.  #61Mandy on March 6, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    By the way…

    I recently made an appointment a a new therapist for relationships who deals with sexual anorexia or sexual aversion disorder, which is on the same spectrum as sex addiction.

    Sexual anorexics try to control their loved one’s lives a lot. I am definitely dealing with the effects of a psycholgical disorder.

    The part that sucks is that in the beginning, we don’t know if we might be dealing with someone who has a disorder. When J and I were first dating, he couldn’t keep his damn hands off of me and would often suggest exciting sex, even outdoors. He was a freaking Tiger in the sack. Never seen anything like it really, so passionate and hot.

    With SA, a person will be excited as hell in the beginning, because the person they just met, and are starting to date, is a stranger to them, and to an SA, strangers are a-okay to have sex with and be wide open with, because there’s no risk of hurt and also no heartbreak. So it’s like, game on, and screw like rabbits.
    But once a person becomes nurturing and familiar to the SA, they stop thinking of their partner as someone they can have sex with, because they become afraid of being hurt…sort of like how Rori says that if you become like a mother to him, he will not want to have sex with you. Same principle.

    Unfortunately, he needs therapy, not just me leaning back. BUT…I MUST still lean back, because if I don’t this person will rule my life.

    I have a question though. Is it dangerous, do you think, for me to defy him, when he gets angry when I go somewhere? Should I ignore him when he gets pissed I’ve been gone and guilt trips me? How do I deal with that?



  62.  #62Emerson on March 6, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    Hi Sirens, Wow today I feel so emotional. Something very triggering happened at work today. I felt surprised how hurt and upset I felt. I even cried while driving home from work! I almost texted my coworker with a feeling message about feeling misunderstood, but I decided against it.
    We were discussing a project and I said that I would help with expediting an approval process for a portion of the project….and we were all good natured, laughing, and joking around…
    it was all very positive….
    So I was joking around saying “I’ll take care of it forgettabouttit!!” In a very playful way…

    and my male coworker said ok if you put it that way, you can take that entire part of the project and I said no that’s not what I meant, I meant I can help you with the approval, because I know people in facilities! So he said nope too late and insisted that I take over that part of the project, I was flabbergasted and I said I am already doing my agreed on portion that I am already working on (and it’s very cumbersome)….so we all have our roles…I said you can’t just decide to dump it on me because I offered to help you with part of it!
    But he still insisted and almost shutting me down kind of way….my other two coworkers were there and they said nothing…
    So I said to this male coworker ok fine we can do it together, and he still insisted no you are doing it now.
    I feel furious!!! I don’t know how to handle this!
    Should I text him or ignore it!? Please help, this is soo triggering!



  63.  #63Emerson on March 6, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    Hi Sirens…ah the blog is so quiet!



  64.  #64Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    Gosh, this is more upsetting than I thought it would be and I’m slightly sick to my stomach.

    MusicTds church (my former) had a concert by the organist from Westminster Abby London England playing. Oh my, was he good, exhilarating. What finnese, clarity etc, etc. Woo hoo!

    I got confirmation that the organist from my new church is gay, what a relief. One of the guys in his group is probably one of the most devastatingly handsome men I’ve ever seen. What eye candy he was.

    It was good to see a bunch of people I know. I do miss them.

    MusicTd tried to approach me twice. The first time I made a point of turning away. I didn’t give him the opportunity to try his ignoring crap on me. The second time was a little awkward. I practically shouted at the guy I was talking to,”I gotta go” and walked rapidly out the front door. If he ever wants to talk to me he’s gonna have to call on the phone and make an appointment.

    The real problem came on the way home. I felt very emotional for several hours after just seeing him. It’s been 67 days. I hope this nonsense ends soon. This yearning and longing is a bit much. I just hugged myself and walked back and forth for a bit. This time it was accompanied by a slighty upset stomach. Perhaps this is some progress? 🙂



  65.  #65Emerson on March 6, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    (((Mistea1)))



  66.  #66Mistea1 on March 6, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    Emerson,
    thanks for the hugs i needed that. i can’t comment on anything and am going to bed with the belief that “things will be better in the morning!”



  67.  #67Beloved on March 6, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    ((Emerson))
    ((Mistea)))

    Emerson, I have nothing wise to say about your work situation, if it were me, I am super stubborn and would just keep saying No, I didn’t offer to do this, I didn’t agree to do this, and I simply can’t given my current workload. Over and over, like a broken record (a technique I learned in customer service training, haha).
    I appreciate your position, and no.
    I hear you want me to do this, and, no.
    I get that it’s important, and, no.
    I realize it may not get done if I don’t do it, and, no.

    Personally, over here, I’m feeling so forlorn and lonely.
    What I wouldn’t give to have a man in my bed tonight.
    6 years of abstinence is taking it’s toll on me.
    I never imagined that when I decided to abstain for 90 days, so long ago, it would become 6 years. Wow.

    I also volunteered to do some work on a production of Chicago opening in late April. I’m hoping I can split master electrician/lighting programmer duty. I feel scared out of my mind. I somehow managed to make a B for the semester in my electrical theory class, and that was with me barely studying…so I plan to brush up, as well as brush up on programming on the light desk, over spring break. Yikes. Here’s where the rubber starts to meet the road – where I’m actually putting into practice the skills I’ve been learning and …mistakes will be made. Oh my, the potential for screwing up and getting yelled at and shamed is…well, at first it felt scary but now that I’m consciously expecting it, and knowing I will survive and end up feeling stronger, and more experienced…now it feels tickly and I’m laughing at the thought 🙂



  68.  #68Femininewoman on March 6, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    Mandy don’t you just get bored and tired of it all though?



  69.  #69Mandy on March 6, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    Femininwoman, I am so bored and tired, I could chew tinfoil!



  70.  #70Indigo on March 6, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Mandy 60

    This feels so icky to me to read: “I’m not going to be happy if you didn’t use your time while I was gone, and you could’ve been with me.”

    Honestly, my first thought was, let him be unhappy! Are you so terrified of his “not being happy” that you would not do something you enjoy, something that is good for you? We are not talking about you doing something horrible here. We are talking about you doing something for yourself that doesn’t affect him in any negative way. He needs to get over it! Girl, you need to get yourself some boundaries. If it were me, I would have smiled at him, picked up my gym bag and walked out the door, and LET HIM STEW, knowing that I am strong enough to handle his discontent. Yes this is controlling behaviour, but it’s controlling behaviour that backs right off when it can see that it cannot push you around.

    And finally this: “Is it dangerous, do you think, for me to defy him, when he gets angry when I go somewhere?” Defy him?? What is he, your father and you are 10 years old? Dangerous in what way? Because he’ll get angry? Let him! And let him deal with it! He is a big boy and his feelings are his business.



  71.  #71Mandy on March 7, 2015 at 3:49 am

    Indigo,

    Jeez, I do feel like he’s my dad sometimes! You know, I’m not exactly sure why I’m coming from a place of fear here.

    Why the hell wouldn’t I just pick up my things and leave? It’s not like I have much to lose!

    I just don’t get why he would want to tell his girlfriend what to do. Isn’t the beauty of a woman that she is free and her own person?



  72.  #72Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 4:33 am

    Mandy maybe it is time you look at the roles you play with each other in the relationship and decide if you want to continue playing the roles you are in, A lot of times it is unconscious but it is important if you feel at times that he is your father. You’ve got to decide if it is a lover you want and take it from there. Remember you are the one choosing to allow him to act like your father because you want to act like a child. Take 100% responsibility for what happens in your life.



  73.  #73Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 5:04 am

    Mandy,

    The best way to conquer your fear is to face it head on. Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen. He gets angry. Well, he is an angry man. He has issues and for men, that usually comes out as anger. But by sidestepping his anger you are letting it control you. Most men’s anger is not that scary (unless it is physically abusive). It is more like a storm that blows over.



  74.  #74Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 5:29 am

    Can we really conquer our fear?



  75.  #75Mandy on March 7, 2015 at 6:59 am

    I feel like we’ve seriously touched on something here, FW and Indigo! The FEAR!

    I remember once an ex of mine and I toasted to “conquering fear”…That was almost 8 years ago and I can honestly say I have NOT…

    Totally totally learned it from my mom, even though she and my father are happily married, she keeps secrets from him to make sure he doesn’t get mad, because then she’ll have to deal with a shouting match. Same with J, he gets too many beers in him when he’s uposet then lashes out at me and blames all of it on me and then the next day always says he’s sorry. I just want to avoid the damn drama.

    I’m thinking what i would be like…to sleep in my own bed…play my music…watch the shows I want to watch…make love if I want…being single and dating whoever the hell I want…sounds a lot better than what I’m dealing with now.

    Then I think, but his family will be devastated, he will have no where to go, I’ll dump him before I’m ready and end up asking him back, etc, etc…

    Sure, when he comes in to kiss me deeply before going to work that’s great but it’s a table scrap.

    I wish there was a happy medium betweendumping and putting up with this crap. I think CDing is it, but…

    Yes, I have a LOT of fear!

    I have never once dumped a man, I’ve always been dumped, and I’m 33 years old. If I had an idea of how I’d do it, maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid of the idea.Or even just saying this isn’t cutting it. Letting him know this situation is kind of bullshit.
    The fear is not Sireny to me. It’s freak-out mode, sort of like when a guy doesn’t call, or a moment of jealousy.



  76.  #76Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Mandy how about giving yourself the option of sleeping over your parents or a friend for a night or two just to give yourself space to think. How about imagining yourself free to make any choice you want to make? Just giving yourself the mental option and doing it in your mind?



  77.  #77Mistea1 on March 7, 2015 at 7:35 am

    Mandy,
    At first I thought this thing with MusicTd had to do with our reaction to/with each other. Then I discovered the incident way back in childhood that started it all. I used my favorite technique EFT as well as come counseling to work on my abandonment issue with my father. This eased things a lot for me and I at least was able to respond in a less agitated way to him.

    However, he became threatened and very upset because he wasn’t dominating me in that way anymore. I remember commenting to my brother that he was attempting to dominate our non-relationship and I wasn’t going to put up with it.

    I remember one day he must have waited at least 10 minutes behind a door for me to come in to my meeting so he could walk by me and ignore me and his vibe wasn’t friendly even though I responded with a confident greeting. It felt threatening that he would wait for me like that, and I didn’t want that to happen again. He had done other less noticible things before this. It got very uncomfortable when I would go to the church for an activity and he would appear around some corner or be in the hallway and then not say much.

    We had a very energetic talk on Christmas day no less. I felt calm and mostly listened but got my responses and my statements in to my satisfaction. He kind of raved and projected stuff on me that never happened. It was like we were in two different worlds. I suppose we were.

    So that was it for me. I went to the church down the street, joined their choir and am happy there. Last Sunday I went to Evensong at MusicTd’s church because of the composer he was playing, I came late and left right after the service. Didn’t see him, did fine. I enjoyed the finnese of his performance OK.

    This time I had to get through the intermission and right after the end of the concert as I was visiting with friends. Just seeing him looking for me in the crowd and dodging that was a bit much.

    So my solution was to leave the situation completely. I think Andrea replied above with a story about a similar situation she had to move away from and how icky she felt retelling it. That gut feeling I’ve been having has to do with the ick factor and the chaos that is his being. Sexual Anorexia huh? maybe that’s what is going on here too. Hope there is some meaning for you in this story.



  78.  #78Mistea1 on March 7, 2015 at 7:57 am

    Mandy,
    Addendum to the above.
    He seems to need to look at me. He said to me one time after I hadn’t been there in 2 weeks, “I haven’t seen you in forever.” So maybe there is some sort of vibe he needs. I tried not to look directly at him.

    Man, I should try writing one of those twilight stories. It’s starting to sound weird even to me.

    So if he wants to “gaze on my fabulous countenance” he’ll have to make an appointment. Boy, I sure wish I had this when I was a lot younger and younger looking! 🙂



  79.  #79Mandy on March 7, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Gosh, so much support from the Sirens, so very awesome…I feel so grateful…

    FW – I have slept at my parents’ house, when he has gotten too much for me to want to handle. It is a ballsy move on my part but it works, it makes a statement without saying a word.

    Mistea – WOW, it is like he was stalking you. I feel a similar vibe from J as I feel with the story, J wants to be the dominant one. He doesn’t want to be on a pedestal but once you sweep it from underneath him he acts like a ten year old and whines about it. Leaves me going, whaddooooyooooou want from meeeeeeee????

    Indigo –
    I just finished re-listening to Love Scripts, 1st disc.
    As for boundaries, the part about trusting myself is a big one for me. I tend not to trust my own judgement and conscience because it has severely failed me with my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (almost all the fear I have inside is irrational and useless, and I know this, but I tend to think twice and be skeptical about my own judgement.) What am I afraid of? Getting into a yelling match, but it was just pointed out that I can leave the situation, which sounds perfectly logical to me, if I don’t consider how I feel about it, I actually hate leaving the apartment because I think of how much I love J and just want things to be cool, but I have to ignore it and keep my dignity; it’s tough for me because, well, I have no other explanation other than I am such a softie it’s like my heart is made of taffy.
    Sometimes these things are not apparent to me because I’m so close to the action. So, I suppose just as in Love Scripts, I can choose my reaction or emotion and remove myself from the situation and go cry or do something fun like visit my cat and family. It’s not that hard for me to walk away. If I choose to do it, it is done easily.

    I am feeling a lot of care from the Sirens. I feel care coming from you, FW, Indigo and Mistea…
    I thank you for your brilliant insight and you shine.
    I still wish we could all meet up in some place and have a big round table discussion, with tea and coffee and chocolates, lol….:)

    Thanks so much for letting my bubble up, spout, take my lid off, spread the vibes and illuminate the sky…



  80.  #80Mandy on March 7, 2015 at 8:35 am

    Mistea – interestingly enough, I’ve been reading up on the sexual anorexia bit, and it turns out there’s articles on how it’s a growing epidemic in American relationships, and that also, marriage rates are dropping because of women choosing to be in long-term “uncommitted” relationships.

    That sounds to me like men are easily domesticating women without marrying them, and so the women are at their mercy, and no sex happens because of it.

    Time to CD? Lol…



  81.  #81Mistea1 on March 7, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Emerson,
    I’m curious about your work situation. My daughter was in a similar situation all throughout her working life. She graduated as EE from Stanford (USA) did research, wrote books, managed a staff, and marketed product. No matter what, that she was eons ahead of the guys, she still had to prove herself every single time.

    In grad school she and several other women worked with a counselor to develop tactics to deal with the men. Still, when she as a department leader sold something to an older man and he then said that he wanted to talk to her boss. She had to tell him she was the decision maker, it was upsetting.

    She discovered that sometimes the men at the top are in the area of performers and public people and have the same issues as MusicTd. A good description is found in Rabbi Boteach’s book on Broken Men.

    So if you haven’t done so I’m sure there are books, counseling etc that can help here. Rori may have it in her newest program as well.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 8:55 am

    “I have no other explanation other than I am such a softie it’s like my heart is made of taffy.”

    Nope. That is just a conscious belief you have chosen to create an unconscious block from moving forward. You can turn your fear into fuel.

    It is just a belief you have created so you don’t have to make a decision to take care of yourself and vote for yourself. Truly it is just a sorry excuse for not taking responsibility for your happiness.



  83.  #83Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 8:57 am

    ‘That sounds to me like men are easily domesticating women without marrying them, and so the women are at their mercy, and no sex happens because of it.”

    Nope. That is lie. Unless there is a gun to your head and you are locked in a dungeon with your hands tied. Even women in those types of situations find ways to escape because they know it is unnatural.



  84.  #84Bopa on March 7, 2015 at 8:58 am

    “have it all!”

    so… “what more do I need over here?”

    a little more practice. A lot more refinement. A building on the foundation of talent.
    I feel so close to my very own “it all”. At the very least I feel strong and solid in my own ability to continue to persue everything I want to acquire in my lifetime. Which consists mainly of building capabilities, knowledge, understanding of the space I exist within. Forming meaningful connections and practicing things I gain enjoyment from. I want to overcome obstacles and feel pain blossom into growth.
    I have to admit “business” factors into it very little. I have my low demand career and my enjoyable endeavors. I have my deeply intimate romantic partnership. I have my little patch of earth to call my own. I feel very little drive to do more and more. I love that about myself!
    It’s akin to the advice I received about driving when I was 16 and have not forgotten: Don’t drive the car, let the car drive you.
    All I have to do is give the gas a little pressure, and guide the wheels and the the machine i’ll call life does the rest.

    In many ways I admire the drive to go at endeavors with gusto. I think i’ve even felt envious of this. I know i’ve tried to create it within myself…Yet time and again all i’ve really accomplished is learning that’s so not me!
    I don’t want to build an empire, I just want to build a quaint, warm little cottage. Something lovely to look at and exist within. Something that, in the end, I will gaze upon with my secret smile and and feel full of the love I have for journey.



  85.  #85Lovergirl on March 7, 2015 at 8:58 am

    So my kids are gone for the weekend to their dads, and for the first time, like ever, I have absolutely NO plans. I feel scared. All this open space and aloneness. I’m not used to being by myself at all.

    Last night, I could have done something but all I felt like was going to sleep. I got home at a little after 10 oclock on a Friday night and slept. BORING. Lol

    I’m trying not to wish and hope that my guy will call and want me to come over. He knows my kids are gone because he wanted me to do some work for him yesterday and I said I couldn’t due to driving my kids to their dad’s house. He hasn’t been trying to see me the past couple of weekends though. I think he is trying to avoid it.

    I’ve been browsing Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. I’m just sooo disappointed in the quality of men I see though. None of them seem half as good as the guy I am in love with. They can’t write coherent sentences, or a decent email. If someone just says “hi” or “good morning” I want to ignore them. I talked to a guy on the phone last night and he was 10 years older than his profile stated and kind of creepy sounding to talk to. He told me what a terrible father he had been to his kids growing up and how he used to be a “thug” but he is “trying” to get his life together. Ugh. No thanks.



  86.  #86Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 8:58 am

    RE 80 What you focus on grows. How about focusing on creating what you want in your life?



  87.  #87Femininewoman on March 7, 2015 at 9:00 am

    “my guy”. How about thinking about him as “my work mate” to train your mind to stop pining after him.



  88.  #88Mandy on March 7, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Honesty time – I’ll happily respond to riffing, but being told I am way off doesn’t work for me very well. All that does is upset me and throw me off the task at hand.

    I know I have a tender heart. I know I am super-sensitive. It is the way I was born. It isn’t an excuse. I genuinely have an urge to care for others. I have a lot of masculine energy, and being told it is a lie just doesn’t sound right to me at all.

    I have to fight my own urge to pick up the fire hose and douse the flames. It is very natural to me. If a family member ever needs help from me I’m right there faster than they can count to one. For my friends, I go to great lengths to be with them and show my care.

    When it comes to this, I know I need to not pick up the fire hose, but my masculine energy and need to care for others is no lie. It’s not an excuse either. It is a genuine part of me that I need to keep in check in certain situations.



  89.  #89Lovergirl on March 7, 2015 at 9:10 am

    @ 87 Femininewoman-

    Yeah because, especially at this point, he isn’t “mine”. Sigh. 🙁 I will have to start referring to him by his initial, at least. “S”. :p



  90.  #90Lovergirl on March 7, 2015 at 9:14 am

    @Mandy-

    I diagnosed my ex as a “sexual anorexic” too. I read something about it after the divorce and was like, wow, that sounds just like him. He has gotten very weird and uncommunicative since we got divorced too. Its like pulling teeth to get him to talk about the kids and he barely cares if he even sees them. Sad. I’m glad to be done with him though. It was eye opening to realize how other people saw him after we separated. I feel like I was so blind.



  91.  #91Lovergirl on March 7, 2015 at 9:16 am

    I’m feeling annoyed and impatient with all the men emailing me on dating sites. Quit telling me I am beautiful and asking how my day is and just ask me out!! :p



  92.  #92IamHIs on March 7, 2015 at 9:28 am

    @91 Lovergirl – haha, this cracks me up and makes me feel giggly. 🙂



  93.  #93Beloved on March 7, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Feminine Woman – as usual, I feel so impressed and grateful for the sparkling clarity I feel when I hear what you have to say. Thank you!



  94.  #94Daria on March 7, 2015 at 9:54 am

    im feeling hehehe sobbing cuz rori has taken my wishes for help in life n rebounded them back to me in real

    again

    ive been pining for help w this so much

    thank u rori u are an expression of god to me



  95.  #95Daria on March 7, 2015 at 9:55 am

    ‘The trick is to let go of everything anyone’s ever said to you about your “limitations.”

    Let go of every lecture you’ve ever heard about “How the world works.”’



  96.  #96Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 11:45 am

    (((Mandy)))

    I would encourage you to get comfortable with the “walk away” tool. It’s very easy to do once you make up your mind to do it, and very, very powerful. I can’t even tell you how my relationship has improved by leaps and bounds since I have got comfortable with this option. There is just simply no reason to let someone control you or make you feel bad when you have the option to leave. You DON’T have to leave the relationship to do this. You just send the message that this situation doesn’t feel good, and you value your own wellbeing. I have noticed that people treat you with MUCH more respect when you get comfortable with this.

    And yes, it can take any form – going to visit your parents, going to visit your cat, going for a walk, going for a drive or going for a meal at a restaurant, or just having a time-out. An added bonus is that you strengthen your trust in yourself too – knowing that you will care for yourself enough to remove yourself from a bad-feeling situation and find something that feels better.



  97.  #97Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Mandy 88,

    As far as not picking up the fire hose when it comes to J, how about remembering that it pushes him away and damages your relationship when you do, and *force* yourself to sit on your hands and put your hands over your mouth out of love for him and the relationship? Keep telling yourself over and over that he’s a grown man and a big boy and you HAVE to let him deal with this himself and respect his way enough not to fix it for him.

    *hugs*



  98.  #98Mistea1 on March 7, 2015 at 11:53 am

    Mandy, I like Indigo’s suggestion. Maybe you can have it all!!



  99.  #99Beloved on March 7, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    (((Daria)))
    I felt a little thrill seeing your post, I’ve been thinking about you the past few days!



  100.  #100Beloved on March 7, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Mandy – you were asking earlier for a feeling message/script to tell J he needs therapy. FM’s/scripts are for you to share yourself, not to get what you want.

    In a similar situation, what I imagine would be an appropriate script for ME, would be, “I feel sexually starved and neglected.
    I don’t want to be in a relationship with no sex. I respect your right and need to withhold sex, and, this isn’t what I want. How can we fix this?”

    Do you see the difference?
    I suspect that you and he are similar. What I mean is, people can tell you all day long to leave, and…you just can’t. For whatever reason, your heart is in it and needs to see it through.
    It’s the same with him. You can craft The Most Perfect Script and Feeling Messages in the Universe tm, and, he’s not going to go to therapy one nanosecond before he’s ready.

    Does that make sense?
    Maybe the situation does call for more than leaning back, I don’t know, only you really know all of what’s going on. What I have come to understand though, is that constantly focusing on him, what he says, what he does, what you are going to say or do with him, what he needs or doesn’t, posting about him on the blog…none of that is leaning back.

    Part of leaning back is learning to re-direct your attention and focus. To the present moment, to what you are feeling in your body, to the color of the sky or the feel of the breeze on your cheek.

    I understand that with OCD this is very challenging!
    I do trust you will grow through this, though 🙂
    Big hugs to you!
    ((Mandy))



  101.  #101Beloved on March 7, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    Mandy – I’m also wondering about the “controlling” aspect. I hear that you feel he is trying to control you, and you want it to stop.
    I wonder if, by trying to get him to become someone different, someone who has sex with you, who isn’t a sexual anorexic, who doesn’t get mad at you about simple things, someone who goes to therapy – is that a way of trying to control him?

    If it is (and I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know), then how easy do you feel it would be, to just STOP doing that? If it’s not so easy, then why would he be able to stop doing it just because you have ask him to, or craft the perfect script or FM? Does that make sense? If you do find a part of yourself that is mirroring him and trying to control, it might feel really good to shower that aspect of yourself with lots of love and compassion.

    I could be wayyy off here, I don’t know, it just seems like a very familiar dynamic to me, which means I could be projecting 🙂

    At any rate, again, sweet siren, I appreciate your heart and that you are taking so many steps (like getting a new therapist) to take care of yourself. I know what it’s like to feel stuck and my heart goes out to you 🙂
    <3



  102.  #102lovetodance on March 7, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    84 bopa

    i lovve your vision of having it all..
    reading it makes me feel warm peaceful and happy



  103.  #103Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    Beloved, I feel you are so spot on.



  104.  #104Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    So, so much has been happening in my life. I spent the first couple of nights in my new apartment (it’s lovely, I’m just in love with it), one of my cats died suddenly (I think she was bitten by something), my stepdad has lost his job which means my mom is under stress, and D has been there for me through it all, helping, supporting, being there. I appreciate his quiet, practical presence so much.

    My big, super comfortable new linen couch is arriving on Tuesday and then my apartment will really feel like a home. I love standing on the balcony each night and feeling the delicious temperate breeze and watching the lights twinkling over the city all the way to the sea.



  105.  #105Indigo on March 7, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    Hi Victoria!

    It’s nice to see you back on the blog, you have been missed 🙂



  106.  #106IamHis on March 8, 2015 at 12:39 am

    I love this post.

    I want to change everything.

    My hair…I want to cut it and dye it and just…look different so I can feel different.

    Foreign Guy poofed and then all of the sudden reappears again in my group of friends.

    & he doesn’t know that I know what I know.

    & I want to feel apathy. I want to ignore him or somehow punish him for disappearing, hiding what he’s done, and then just thinking it’s okay to return to our group of friends and be taken back in as if nothing has happened.

    I feel ridiculous and embarrassed even writing this.

    I feel angry that I care.

    Pretending that I don’t care isn’t authentic.

    I can’t remember how to be authentic and “not crazy and fake and suppressive” with this anger.

    I know I’m supposed to feel and honor my anger.

    & when I do let myself feel it…it…it just kind of melts into sadness. And I’m sitting here crying.

    I miss his physical affection. Just being touched by him, & that feels so pathedic.

    & there’s this guy with a girlfriend who is just an affectionate person with everyone, and I found myself going to him and just letting him hold me last night.

    & there’s maybe two completely single guys who are so obviously into me, but I just feel repulsed by them. I mean, they are sweet and I feel flattered of course, but I don’t feel like a woman with one of them, and with the other. ..yeah, I feel superior to him.

    I like when I feel like a woman. Surrendered, safe, protected, giggly. I don’t feel that way with the two obvious guys. I feel like the powerful one who is in control, & that doesn’t give me that surrendered safe protected giggly feeling.



  107.  #107IamHis on March 8, 2015 at 12:58 am

    & I have a thankfully single younger coworker.

    And he’s really tall, broad, & masculine and at first, I just felt good around him. He’s one of those natural, solid, good guy kind of leaders. Pretty sure he played football. He reminds me of Tim Tebow. ..

    and at first I just felt good and safe around him. He’s not devastatingly attractive or he wasn’t at first to me. It just felt good being around him.

    then I didn’t see him for a while and then he reappeared and the attraction kicked into overdrive.

    He is so tall and good postured and muscular.

    & I don’t know why I was blind to it before (maybe they weren’t around or I was too tired or stressed) but all the women flirt with him and brag on him and kind of just fall all over him. Even older women. He’said a little bit younger than me.

    So the attraction has kicked in and I’m so aware of everything all the sudden and he keeps bumping into me.

    It was easy to let myself feel nervous. The newness of the job already makes me feel nervous.

    But we’d be working and all the sudden these arms are above and around me ( just around my body as in…kind of encircling me but not really touching me) I can’t breathe as well. & it’s affecting my ability to work a little, so I kind of start avoiding him, which only seems to make things worse because he just keeps appearing everywhere and I just keep feeling more and more nervous.



  108.  #108IamHis on March 8, 2015 at 1:06 am

    I feel like a freaking teenager.

    I’m just practicing feeling. I can’t believe how long I went not letting myself feel both the pleasant and the unpleasant. It feels good to feel. I’m going to honor my teenage girl. Everyone always comments on how I seem so much younger than my age. (Which feels triggering)

    I am young. I’m learning how to feel and it feels amazing and scary and absolutely fantastic!



  109.  #109Lovergirl on March 8, 2015 at 8:26 am

    I’m kind of a mess about my guy (I can’t seem to stop calling him that either!). I’m feeling abandoned and angry. I’m upset that he is using the miscarriage as a reason to end what we had together. Its hurting me. The last I heard from him was two nights ago asking me if I could work for him Friday. I said no because I was driving my kids to their dads house. He didn’t call all weekend. 🙁 I kind of expected that, but it still feels crappy.

    I know you aren’t supposed to ask a guy why he didn’t call. Part of me wants to tell him I feel abandoned, but I am thinking that is not a good idea either. What do you all think? Is that an inappropriate type of feeling message?

    I went out on a date last night. The guy took me out for Mexican food and then to see Fifty Shades of Gray. I just wasn’t feeling him at all. He was nice enough, but way too skinny and awkward and not my type.

    Plus he told me he has no kids, but when I was following him to the movies I noticed his license plate had a thing around it that said “world’s best dad”?? Sketchy. He also tried to lay the moves on me, asked me my bra size (eyeroll- is this junior high?) and kissed me in the movie, which just felt gross.

    He asked me back to his place and I said no. I later texted that I am sorry I am just not interested in anything more with him. He said okay, we can be friends. Then he texted me at 7 o’ freaking clock in the morning on Daylight Savings Sunday to tell me I am beautiful. Ugggghhh….. I am so not a morning person and did he not get my very direct “I am not interested”? I hate when guys just ignore that and keep trying.

    So the whole time I was missing my guy that I am in love with, terribly. I feel all achy and sick to my stomach. I just don’t want anyone else. 🙁



  110.  #110Indigo on March 8, 2015 at 8:46 am

    Lovergirl,

    “Part of me wants to tell him I feel abandoned, but I am thinking that is not a good idea either. What do you all think? Is that an inappropriate type of feeling message?”

    No, it is not an appropriate feeling message. Firstly, he told you clearly he didn’t want to continue things, so he has not “abandoned” you, this is simply your trigger in response to what has happened. He is just a guy, doing what he’s doing. Secondly, a feeling of abandonment is your responsibility to fix, not his. This is a time for you to turn inward to yourself for comfort. This feeling of abandonment is coming from deep inside you, probably not even in response to this situation, probably from a much younger, little girl you. Lover her at this time, comfort her, reassure her that you will never leave her, that the adult you is here now and is in control. As much as you want to turn toward him, turn toward yourself. Seek that solace inside. Go do something nice for yourself, take yourself off to see a loving girlfriend or family member or something else which feels good.

    I know it’s hard, but I promise everything you need to get through this is inside yourself, and will feel SO much better than turning to him. If anything can possibly bring him back, it’s you being able to depend on you.



  111.  #111Bopa on March 8, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Lovetodance- Happy I couldgive you the warm and fuzzies 🙂



  112.  #112Yvette on March 8, 2015 at 9:49 am

    Hey Rori 🙂
    I just wanted to say how much I really loved this article.
    I felt big and powerful the whole way through.
    Thank you, I really enjoyed it.
    Yvette



  113.  #113lovetodance on March 8, 2015 at 10:03 am

    practicing voting for myself as i experience not being responded too the way i want/need online…3 cd’s i would be interested in giving some time to get to know poofing….

    practicing voting for myself as i choose not to pursue things with 3 cd’s who are showing up…and not assuming responsibility for their feelings….

    lots of turning the big ship around…. muscle building…not easy at all but sooo necessary…..



  114.  #114Bopa on March 8, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Feeling content and solid. Feeling some swelling self pride. I have followed through with a gusto on every intention so far this year. Feeding my body well and moving my body in ways that feel good and contribute to its strength and make it supple and bendy. I am so close to touching my nose to my knees 😀 feels thrilling! lol Feels silly 🙂 and I like it.
    During yoga yesterday I felt so very smooth, fluid, natural. No more shaky, tight, struggling. My body has used up 11 pounds of fat. I feel uncomfortable saying “I lost weght”. Strange, that. But maybe not so strange. That was not my intention. More like an intriguing side effect. I feel a bit fascinated by this new version of my body with its abdominal muscles peeking out to say hello and its defined arms. It is a version of my body I have quite literally never seen before.
    I notice my partner is neither more nor less interested. I like that. There is some encouragement happening “I’m proud of you, keep it up!” or when I talk about my accomplishments “I noticed you’re looking stronger.”
    I love that.
    I’m also feeling satisfied with my follow through on my emotional intentions. I feel my remaining walls dissipating into luscious light energy. I’m feeling emotionally attractive again. Which is most important to me.
    It’s a glorious day today. The sun is shining. I’m feeling peaceful and tranquil. I think an adventure is in order today. I want to drink deep of the cool springy freshness.



  115.  #115lovetodance on March 8, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Bopa…I love reading your poetry and the style with which you write in…i feel pulled into your experience how you lay it down.

    I too am loving the’ 9 pounds of fat’ my body has used up’ but mostly the inflammation that i have metabalized….

    metabalizing toxicity emotionally and physically is what it feels like…

    i have the opportunity to take a giant step towards professional goals this week…very challenging, very necessary…i am saying yes to the universe despite very big fear….i think of Taj Mahal’s’ Take a Giant Step Outside Your Mind’…song….

    Into my heart…Into my heart ….into my desire and path to be healing…for myself, for others.



  116.  #116Lovergirl on March 8, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    @110- Indigo

    Thanks for your response. I know you are right. It is really hard but its my own inner fears tearing me up right now. I keep thinking things like how can he go so long without talking to me and not miss me the way I miss him? 🙁 We’ve spent so much time together over the past several months. He’s been such a big part of my life. Its crushing me.

    I’ve got to fix this myself but nothing feels good. I feel empty and lonely without him. Everything I do I am wishing he was there. I went shopping and found some really good deals- got 5 super cute short sleeve tops and a skirt, plus used my sephora gift card he gave me to buy some new makeup. Now I can look great, but I want him to see me! Lol Sigh….



  117.  #117Liquid Light on March 8, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Its weird. Suddenly I do feel like I have it all. I woke up the other day and realized that besides the downsides (really stressful at times), I love my job! I can’t believe I feel that way because it was the last thing I expected. In fact I love it so much that I”m going to apply for a full-time position!!! (I’m on extended contract right now.) This is HUGE for me. There are no guarantees but I think I’ve got a good shot at it.

    And I love where I’m living! That’s huge for me too. I was dreading being back in a more metropolitan area but now I’m finding that I really like it – access to the city is easy, and access to natural beauty is right in my back yard.

    And even though i don’t have my love life settled and figured out, It’s not really bothering me that much. This is huge too! Someone that I really like contacted me last week. I hadn’t heard from in a several months so suffice it to say I was surprised and really excited. But he hasn’t contacted me again and surprisingly, I’m OK with it. If he does, great, if he doesn’t then oh well. I’m having dinner tonight with an old flame who is from out of town. It will be fun but I hardly ever see him so no expectations there.

    Just enjoying the fruits and gifts I have in my life right now and not really feeling the need to strive for anything above and beyond what I have right now. That’s also huge for me and that feels really nice.



  118.  #118Mistea1 on March 8, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Liquid Light 117,

    I’m glad to know you are feeling content right now. I feel it’s good for us to let each other know when the good times are here as well as the difficult ones. If you wait a little bit things do change. Congrats!



  119.  #119April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Hi dear sirens,

    Can anyone direct me to a program or article of Rori’s that talks about what to say to a man before having sex with him?

    I had an awkward convo today. I’m happy though that I made myself talk about it even though I was cringing inside.

    There were three areas I wanted to express myself about: sexual health, emotions, and birth control. He seemed to sense my nervousness and reassured me by saying he wanted me to feel comfortable talking with him about anything.

    Ladies, what do you ask/say as regards sexual health an testing? I just assume I am healthy when I have no symptoms. How can we ask a man to show us he is healthy. His body is going to get up and close to mine… and I only want the best for my body.

    This brings me to another issue. The ‘worst’ thing about him is that he seems to take pride in wearing boring, scruffy clothes. (Oh, and he smokes, which is not something I want really. He house smells of smoke and makes me feel a bit turned off. I am very sensitive to smells).

    I just wonder if there is a way to inspire him to take care of himself the same way he takes care of me? Because that would make me feel happy and safe.



  120.  #120April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    I’d like to have a conversation with him and ask what is the vision he has for his life.

    I see myself as someone who has a vision of some luxury and beautiful surroundings, as well as a creative career.

    I do not know yet if it is a deal breaker if he is not ambitious, and wants to stay at a certain ‘place’ in life.
    I am happy to be the one earning and being prosperous.
    Only time will tell if a man can enjoy that with me.

    How much do we need to want the same things, in order for us to live in harmony? (And have enough of the good stuff going on to make the relationship a fulfilling experience).



  121.  #121Emerson on March 8, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    Thank you Beloved and Mistea1 for your feedback and comments about my work situation.

    I can hardly believe it, but a similar situation just happened again today. I have a side job that I sometimes work on the weekend and today I was there, and I normally 99% enjoy this job and have a great time with the staff. There is one man in particular that flirts with me and is really funny, jokes around a lot and generally seems to be good natured. I’ve known him for about 3 years.
    Today I’m trying not to take personally how he was treating me: coldly.
    It’s like night and day. Saw him a week ago, all was well. Now this weekend he’s cold. I asked him if he was not feeling well, and he didn’t even want to have eye contact with me. Meanwhile, he’s being really nice to other coworkers so I don’t know what’s wrong.
    I felt horrible when I left work as I did attempt to chat with him a couple of times when we were not busy, and I was met with a curt, businesslike, cold reply.
    I feel sad.
    I’m trying to not take it personally.
    Any feedback welcome.
    maybe I’m supposed to learn a lesson here….??
    That I cannot let a man’s moodiness affect me…??



  122.  #122Femininewoman on March 8, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    I did attempt to chat with him a couple of times

    Maybe the lesson that all you need to do is just “be”



  123.  #123Mistea1 on March 8, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    April Rose,
    I know I read something about values, hopes, dreams in one of Rori’s columns about 4-5 months ago. As I recall she said this should be fairly early on. Something along the line of where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years etc. And of course sharing your dreams too.

    For me the smoking would be a deal breaker right off the bat. My mother smoked when I was growing up and I constantly had colds, sinus, coughs, coughing up blood etc. Poor thinking etc. After I got married she was not allowed to smoke in my house. I rarely had issues with colds, or coughs after that. If you are at the age where you might want to have children do you really want them exposed to smoke? I had a neighbor who smoked and she commented that the baby always seemed to stop crying when she put him up stairs to play.

    You should both get tested prior to sex. It may be awkward but it’s better than having to get treatment for an STD after the fact. “I’m feeling a little awkward about saying this but I’d feel more comfortable if we both got tested.’ or some such. Could be amusing along the lines of I’ll show you mine (test) if you’ll show me yours.

    Clothing, ambition, household, is a judgement call.



  124.  #124April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Emerson,

    When you are being your gorgeous self, immersed in your own delicious business, any man worth his salt will start to buzz around you like a bee around honey.

    You won’t even notice the ones that don’t.



  125.  #125April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Mistea,

    I know what you are saying about the smoking.

    When I was growing up I developed asthma but my dad wouldn’t give up smoking.
    I feel kinda sad around it.

    I also feel good when I allow others to be who they are and do what they do.

    My cousin inspired her man to give up smoking. And as far as I know, she never once asked him to.

    If nothing changed, could I be accept it? At this stage, yes. He doesn’t smoke in my house, and I feel good when he is there with me.



  126.  #126April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    He often compliments me on my style and dress sense.

    Would it make him feel wrong or criticised to say something like

    “It would feel so amazing to go out together, both looking stylish. I would feel so sexy and sassy walking along with a well-dressed man”



  127.  #127April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 5:35 pm

    I’m in the realm of exploring the difference between subtly trying to manipulate, and simply expressing what would feel good.

    And I still think that being an ‘inspiration’ goes above the use of feeling messages.

    It has something to do with taking such good care of myself… that he is inspired to do the same… and yet not TRYING to make this an outcome.

    I guess I have to work more on acceptance. And less on wishing for things to be different.

    What is the deeper issue here?



  128.  #128Labbit on March 8, 2015 at 5:50 pm

    Hello Sirens! I am catching up on this thread…lots of gold in here (Indigo I so love your thoughts in #110, I’m working my way backwards).

    TenderCD surprised me with a trip — we escaped the extreme cold and snow from our home city and traded it for a beach vacation down in the Caribbean! TenderCD did a great job with all of it, from the planning to the surprise to pretty much every detail while we were there. There was a mix of stuff he had planned and stuff I got to pick which was perfect, and he’d even remembered some activities that I’d mentioned in the past in case we ever got to this particular island. I felt extremely well taken care of, cherished, relaxed, just a sea of positive emotions. When we landed back home TenderCD turned to me and told me he’s never had such fun on a vacation before and how he fell more in love with me each day on the beach. And then I melted into a puddle right there.

    We got back a couple of days ago and our last couple of interactions have been kind of odd, so I wanted to come here for some outside perspective. Right now TenderCD and I are reading a book together. Apparently I’m not reading it quickly enough for him though — I am rather slow at it because the book is so good that I like to read a few pages, let the beauty of what I just read sink in, and then read a few more the next day. TenderCD meanwhile has already finished the book and wants to talk about it now, LOL. So over the past couple of weeks he’s suggested a few times that I get the book on tape so I can listen to it faster. And when I try to share (explain?) that my reading speed has nothing to do with tape vs. print and more to do with how juicy the book is and how I don’t want to rush through, he’s not hearing me. I’ve tried a few feeling messages like “It feels so good when I can read slowly and absorb all the fascinating ideas this book is revealing to me” and how excited I am to discuss the book with him once I am done and thanking him for the wonderful suggestion, even asking him if he would like to help me choose an audiobook app for my phone so I can use it in the future.

    I know this seems like a really small thing but today again he brings up the book on tape idea, repeating himself as though I haven’t been listening to him and he hasn’t heard my response either. I’m feeling stumped about what, if anything, I should do. Our rhythms are not in sync here. I don’t mind the off-sync, it doesn’t bother me at all, but is clearly bothering him and I don’t want this to escalate into a fight. I feel unheard and I think he feels that way too.

    The other oddity is that the last couple of days when we’ve gone on dates he’s been, well, kind of ornery to be honest. Today at the gym for instance he tossed out some weird comments, like how he felt like our gym machines were too close together and then scooted his away from me a few inches, meanwhile casting some weird-feeling energy in my direction, clearly he was triggered about something and I just gave myself as much love as possible in those moments. But also touching me a lot during class in a very affectionate way, almost like he’s bouncing back and forth between loving me and hating me. And then after class he was ‘joking’ that he’d been so exhausted he was going to pass out and that if he did he was sure I’d just leave him there and finish the class like nothing happened.

    When he said that, I backed a few steps away from him and said, “OK, I can tell you are exhausted right now and I don’t like where this is heading. I’m going to change and then I’m going to head home to unwind.” When I got out of the changing room he kissed me and apologized and asked if he could escort me home. I said yes but then on the way home he was still being ornery!

    I’m baffled. It feels to me like he’s trying to pick a fight, I have no idea why, and I’m not sure how to back out of this tunnel we seem to be heading into. My initial gut reaction is to lean back, but in the past I have also gone cold on men when I feel like they might be angry at me, so I’m leery of backing away too much. I feel a little like he’s testing me right now — or I’m being triggered into feeling that way, and I just need some help seeing this with fresh eyes.



  129.  #129Mistea1 on March 8, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    April Rose,
    Oops, slip of the finger there.
    This may sound strange but does he own a pair of leather shoes? Usually guys I’ve known who have leather shoes are ones that have a good level of personal grooming. Personally I have this thing for Italian leather shoes. Usually guys that take the time to source those are ones who care about how they look. And no, don’t anyone comment on the number of crooks who wear these. 🙂

    Keep shaving and haircuts up to snuff? Boring clothes are one thing but should be neat, clean etc. What’s the t-shirt to front buttoned shirts in his closet ratio? However, boring may mean he doesn’t care enough about himself. If he can’t care about himself how can he know enough to care about you?

    Questions for you to answer to your self. Is his level of education equal or above your level. if you want children could you live off his income while you got that going? So there are a lot of observational and common things like that one can easily find out.

    Other things are does he take you clothes shopping and enjoy seeing you in beautiful clothes. Does he buy you jewelry and enjoy seeing you wear them? How far down these trails do you want to go is up to you of course.

    Ambition, what’s his enthusiasm for his career and hobby interests Does he plan dates with the same care, planning and enthusism? Of course he pays for them with no questions asked.

    In my opinion it’s better off to get this stuff sorted out early on and not when you are so besotted and romance chemicals are mucking up your brain in a cocaine like rush which muddles your thinking. 🙂 Ummm speaking from experience here. Hope this helps.



  130.  #130Emerson on March 8, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    Thank you April Rose,…
    It just hurt my feelings a little that he was acting that way because he is normally so friendly, flirty, funny and nice. It was weird.
    I wonder if I am supposed to look for a message here….and also the situation that happened at my other job with the male coworker also being insensitive…

    Am i doing something to trigger this? What energy am I emitting? I am feeling a bit prickly….
    I’m feeling discouraged….I need a vacation…but I’ve felt much worse than this and not had this reaction.
    Wow I am also reminded of how sensitive I am



  131.  #131April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    Labbit,

    About the book and the communication around it:
    I am reminded of a lady on you tube, who has a book called something like ‘Take the war out of Words’.

    Her method is to repeat back to the person what you heard them say, and then give your own interpretation and feeling about that.

    So you can say something like “I hear you saying you would like me to finish the book quicker. And I’m also detecting some impatience with that. I can see how you might feel that way.’

    Something to do with reflecting back the other person’s perspective so they feel heard.



  132.  #132Mistea1 on March 8, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Labbit 128,

    Ooh how fortunate for you!
    It appears to me he’s having a bit of a clash between what society says a couple should do and what he thinks you might expect and his need for space after the delightful closeness you two just had.

    You know how once you are a couple you should be joined at the hip? He might even be wondering to himself that he wants to be alone a bit and what’s wrong with him that he loves you so much and he shouldn’t want alone time. Who knows? Anyway food for thought and about clear communication.



  133.  #133April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Emerson

    “…. he is normally so friendly, flirty, funny and nice. It was weird.”

    It can creeps in very subtly, how we focus on HIM first, rather than ourselves.

    As for the co-worker situation. Rori was saying on the teleclass saying that being in masculine energy doesn’t work even in the boardroom.
    It sounds like you triggered your co-worker by making him feel you were the better man than him.

    I know it is ‘work’, and we use our masculine energy there. Yet… in direct communications with men, any men, we still need to give respect. And that means having faith in their abilities versus offers of ‘help’.

    I’m guessing he felt emasculated or disrespected in some way. Again it is subtle, but it’s how men can be triggered.



  134.  #134April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    Labbit,

    I think Mistea might be onto something here. And if not in your case, then I think it is something I have experienced

    “He might even be wondering to himself that he wants to be alone a bit and what’s wrong with him that he loves you so much and he shouldn’t want alone time.”

    I have experienced a man being resentful towards ME because, for whatever reason, he did not take HIS cave time.



  135.  #135Silver-Tongued Siren on March 8, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    Is it ok to ask if he is interested in having a marriage and being a family?

    at the moment I am moving suddenly with no money saved, so having to find a creative living situation. I have asked earlier about us living together but he was seeing someone at the time and tho he didn’t mention it, and he acted interested, he did not say yes or do anything to take action on it (while I was being offered a great deal on a space).

    He has been getting closer and closer to me, even while I’ve whispered to him about making a home together (before I knew I was moving suddenly) and about us being together. We have been seeing each other for years casually while he lived out of state/country and now have a child together and have had complex situations but now I would like to progress with things.

    He has been spending more and more time with me being more open, vulnerable, communicative, relaxed, and now we have had sex again several times the last six weeks. I think he is still talking to the girl he has been dating for a while. He hasn’t talked to me the last two days of the weekend.

    But yet he is getting closer in all the above ways, and when he found out about theoving situation, at first I said nothing involving him- and he questioned me over the next week about what happened, what I am thinking about house stuff, seemed to be evaluating my belongings. Later I communicated that if he is interested I would still like to get a space together. He didn’t say anything and said we could maybe spend time together over the weekend. (We didn’t, he didn’t feel well. Digestive issues). Later I asked him how he feels about getting a place together.. He said “I don’t know..”

    How can I ask him what is holding him back without making him focus on problems and fears??

    Is there a way to focus on what we CAN do?

    Well anyway after that, he said if I don’t find a place in time, I can stay with him. (In a tiny apartment shared with a roommate).

    I told him I feel hesitant to do that unless we are really going to do something together..

    I would like to know if we have a chance of getting married as that I what I want- being married and having a consistent partner in life.

    I don’t want to lose him but I want us to have a chance together and to actually do this.
    I don’t want to live together unless he is seeing me and only me…

    However I have definitely considered that this might be the in that we need. To just do it and negotiate as we go. Of course I would feel better about this If I knew what his hesitation is about- ie maybe he is worried that I can’t keep up the rent and he can’t shoulder it all right now, were we to get a new place. But I think part of it has to do with the girl he was seeing.

    On the other hand, he clearly cares and is interested, to be spending more time with me, making love to me, and saying I can stay with him.

    If I was completely vulnerable and homes I would say

    I feel awkward and anxious right now because I really want to talk to you about living together and being together as a couple and as a family. This is something I really want. What do you think?

    I feel fear (false evidence appearing real) that his answer would either be vague or uncertain and if he felt pressured he might shut it down entirely.

    However when he was with me I felt such love and attraction from him, so strongly that he was smiling these incredibly joyous thrilled smirky smiles while we made love each time and spends a lot of time just holding me.
    I feel he is considering it but needs something to inspire him to step out there. He has asked me in the past a couple of times to live with him or stay with him & it didn’t happen.. 🙁 and I wish I had said yes …(but there were other factors involved than whether I wanted to.)

    I really just want to do this. Tired of all the bs. Yes I am circular dating, had three dates the other evening in fact.

    I need to know what it would entail, “staying with him”… but I don’t want to go into things with no commitment to doing this together… I don’t like “maybes”. Going into things with commitment to do it gets you far, not “maybe unless I change my mind”. And this is also my family, so I don’t want to f this up this time, I want to make it work.

    I do feel uncomfortable living with a roommate, I think it would be better for our rlsp to progress to have a space of our own but not sure we can afford it/, or that he is open to it.. I also need an extra room to work out of which is part of why I need his help but there won’t be extra room at the apartment he is staying at. Maybe we could live there and look in a few months for a new place.

    I feel he wants it but is scared to really say so partly bc of having to hurt/shut down someone else to make this decision which is coming up suddenly, faster than he expected, without time to resolve other situations. Because I’m having to move suddenly.

    Should I just take this leap and let him swoop in and be needed and help me when I need help, since he offered? Should I just DO this and see where it goes?

    How to handle this? Blah. Going to work..



  136.  #136Mistea1 on March 8, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    April Rose 126,

    I like that script, fantastic woo hoo!

    125,
    “I also feel good when I allow others to be who they are and do what they do.” Of course, people will do what they will and most likely hardily resent those who try to change them. What I mean by this, is that we observe what they are doing and who they are and then decide if we can live with that. We can use our feeling messages but in return they decide if they want to comply.

    127, The best inspiration is by you being the best example.



  137.  #137Beloved on March 8, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    April Rose – this may be one that you are looking for?

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/communication-crisis-so-you-want-to-change-your-man/

    Communication Crisis – So You Want To Change Your Man?

    He’s overweight. He doesn’t eat right. His hygiene isn’t perfect. His teeth could use a cleaning. His skin could use some cleanser and over-the-counter-acne-formulation. His breath needs help. What do you do? How do you tell him without making him feel bad?

    When I read this letter from Andie, I realized what a problem this can be: Here we are, trying to break our old patterns of being attracted to a man just because of the way he looks, and giving a really good man a chance to grow on us, and, Yes, his charm and devotion DOES win us over…but he could still use a little (maybe even a lot) of help to make him more attractive to us on the physical level.

    The truth is, what do you do when he needs an “extreme makeover”?

    Here’s Andie’s letter:

    “Hi Rori,
    I just want to know what I can do about a guy who has too much facial hair that I do not like – also bad skin. We started dating a month ago, I was never much attracted to him but his charm won me and he is besotted by me.

    Looks-wise, though, he is not all there. If he could just get his facial hair (very thick mono brows, beard ) groomed, and his skin cleared up, he’d be fine. We look so odd together that people are surprised – they don’t know what I see in him!

    What can I do? I tried to hint but he was very abrupt and I knew I’d better not say anything. Unfortunately, each time I look at him I think if only he took care of his face. Please can you tell me what I could do? Many thanks, Andie”

    Here’s my answer: Okay – we ALL want to change our man. We want to build on his “potential” and “make him over” – because there’s always something we don’t like about him. And what we have to know is that we can’t. We can’t make him over for life.

    Andie’s man will always not care about his appearance. He may clean himself up for Andie, if she asks in the right way, but what will happen 5 years from now if they marry? Is she going to hound him into getting his hair groomed and keeping his skin clear with a simple, over-the-counter acne formulation? For life? In order for that to happen, he’d pretty much need to sign an agreement. And the problem here is – Andie doesn’t really want him “as is.” And all men want to be wanted “as is.” (We do, too!)

    So Andie’s choices are these:

    1. Don’t mention it, and love him the way he is (which she can’t do, as she makes clear in her letter).

    2. Don’t mention it and resent him for the rest of their lives together.

    3. Talk to him about it and see if there’s a solution they can negotiate together.

    4. Break up with him because the whole issue of his looks is a dealbreaker.

    Number 3 is not so easy, because it requires his cooperation. But in my book, it’s the only place to go. The only thing is, Andie needs to know that even if she gets some satisfactory solution in the negotiation – it may not last forever. And then what? Then she needs to know how she feels about option #4.

    So, Andie – first figure out if you want to break up with him if he can’t turn himself around. Look – if his looks bother you, then they bother you. I’ve had women tell me about hygiene issues – no brushing of teeth, no bathing – and to me, I just couldn’t handle that. It would be a dealbreaker. So, you need to know if his looks, if they never change, would be a dealbreaker for you.

    Next, write up some ways to talk to him. Here’s a starter for you:

    Serious relationship and marriage requires being able to talk to each other – about anything. Anything that has to do with the way you FEEL about him. And in this case, Andie’s man is about to lose her just because he doesn’t know exactly what she wants him to do, and so he feels she doesn’t approve of HIM.

    Your conversation could go like this:

    “Honey, I have something on my mind, I feel very awkward bringing this up, and yet I know I have to – is this a good moment to talk?”

    If he agrees to listen, then you say, “You know that you’ve completely won me over. I’m totally charmed by you and your devotion to me, I love you madly, and it feels incredible being with you. I think you’re the greatest guy ever, and I have a serious concern, where we may not be compatible, and I want to know what you think, and if we can come up with a solution. There’s something that’s really important to me, and it’s not so important to you, so I guess I’m just going to have to ask if it’s something you can make important to you just because it’s important to me, and that’s about the way you take care of the way you look.

    “I want you to know it’s not the way you look, I love the way you look, but I don’t like the way you take care of your looks. So I’d like to make it clear exactly what I’d like you to do for me. This is what I want…” And you hold up the number of a Salon for men you’ve researched and found. “I want this really good salon for men to do your hair, your beard, and your eyebrows, too. Will you go for me? Here’s the card of the place I found.”

    He grumbles, but he says “Okay.” Or “I’ll think about it.”

    You say, “And I got you this bottle of Pro-Active (or your drugstore’s brand of acne solution) for your acne. I know lots of men who use it and it works. I think it’s important that I look my best and most attractive for you – and I’m open to hearing anything you’d like me to do that would make things more wonderful for you – and I’d like to feel free to ask you for the same thing.

    “You are so lovely, and I care for you so much, I want us to be able to talk about anything. I’d feel incredible if you’d do these things for me. Actually, I feel amazing just because you heard me.”

    And then you leave the Pro-Active on the bathroom counter, you leave the number for the men’s salon right under it, and you don’t mention it again.

    You treat him as if he’s made the appointment and using the acne cleanser. You love him even more for listening to you

    If he doesn’t do it, then you need to talk again, and this time, you might have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker, or if you can handle having this discussion over and over and over again as long as you’re together. But start here.

    Let me know how this works.

    Love, Rori



  138.  #138Beloved on March 8, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    April Rose – also, Love Scripts for Dating talks about talking before sex. One of the questions that she mentions is asking a man, “What does sex mean to you?” and checking in whether you are on the same page.



  139.  #139April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Thank you Beloved,

    That is brilliant and helpful!



  140.  #140Femininewoman on March 8, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Labbit I am almost sure he doesn’t even know why he is doing it either. It might be just that he has reached the upper limit of the amount of love he can let in. John Hendricks has a wonderful book called The Upper Limit. Have you read it? You can even borrow it from the library.

    Tendercd might very well be unconsciously picking a fight. Maybe you want to create an agreement with him around such things where you might have a code where you bring to each others attention in a fun way when you are picking or being ornery. After deep intimacy and closeness these types of things can come up.



  141.  #141April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    I did ask today “What does sex mean to you”? That was quite easy to ask. It was clear it would be meaningful, taking the relationship to the next level, and not for ‘sport’.



  142.  #142April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    From Rori’s script it feels particularly good to add this-

    ” – and I’m open to hearing anything you’d like me to do that would make things more wonderful for you –”.



  143.  #143April Rose on March 8, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    When I expressed “I’m a girl and I could get needy and clingy once we’re having sex” his face lit up and he said “great! I want to spend more time with you anyway”.



  144.  #144Silver-Tongued Siren on March 8, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    I feel angry because I leaned forward Friday to follow up with him about how creepy guy showed up not 10 minutes after he left my work. He said “Fing Creep. Classic. I will demolish his balls.” .. I said “it makes my heart beat faster when you say that, lol” and sent a pic of sunset and how it reminded me of a time we had in the park years ago. No response… (Should not have said anything else since he didn’t ask anything).

    Saturday I texted to follow up on whether we were taking our child to a friends birthday together since he had said maybe (our child is with him). No answer.

    Today I felt upset at the silence so I said “well I gave you your chance! I’ll be in the pool cake wrestling!” And later sent a video of the performers at the party.

    No response.

    Then he texts me at 945pm to say he has to drop child off pretty early in the morning so he can get to his work location for the day.

    …. I said “ok..”

    I feel weird that he didnt talk to me or even confirm about the party he said “maybe” about … But like I can’t feel mad about no response because I feel as tho I leaned forward.

    Not sure what to say.

    Not sure why I keep finding myself uncertain of what to say and do with him



  145.  #145Silver-Tongued Siren on March 8, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    I feel like my being thrown off by his all of response only reinforces his hesitation.

    What if I can say whatever I want whenever I want, and don’t care if he responds (as I usually don’t, but I at least would like the formality of saying “yes or no” to an event he said “maybe” to.)

    But as tho whatever I assume is what I get more of. I assume the worst, that he didn’t want to talk to me, i get more of that.

    I assume love and that maybe he is hesitant but he has been becoming closer an closer to me.. Then I get that.

    I should be vulnerable and honest, but really why let it bother me that he didn’t answer.. (Or talk to me) All day yesterday or today?

    Exploring here. I feel somewhat consumed with figuring out my position and next actions with him since I am in a somewhat pressing situation and may end up living with him.



  146.  #146Emerson on March 8, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Oh my gosh April Rose,
    Thank you for this…you are so right, I think I probably did do that…
    I feel terrible now…
    ugh trying to not beat myself up…
    shhh…its ok its learning…
    Oh I feel so akward and squirmy…
    uncomfortable with myself!

    I really do appreciate you bringing this to light…
    Wow I feel so wide eyed and palm to forehead right now!



  147.  #147Indigo on March 8, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    April Rose 126,

    I think this feeling message might be too subtle for a man.

    What worked for me with D – because he certainly wasn’t badly dressed, but maybe just a bit too casual – was I bought him a top for a birthday present that I knew would like great on him, and I complimented him every time he wore it. Like OVER THE TOP gushed about how sexy he looked in that style of shirt. He started to seek out that kind of shirt for himself and trust my judgment about what looked good on him.

    Compliments go a long way with a man 🙂



  148.  #148Indigo on March 8, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    * would look great



  149.  #149Silver-Tongued Siren on March 8, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    Sorry for the long posts. Just emptying my thoughts out on the internet, hoping to clear my mind, come across something that helps me communicate, have clarity and find the path forward.

    I do not feel like I am any good at expressing myself in feeling messages, suddenly!

    Maybe I am getting good at expressing myself in feeling messages about things I like.. But haven’t made as much progress with things I don’t like/feeling messages to get my needs met.

    I feel awkward every time W starts ignoring me or we don’t talk all weekend. We have no agreement, despite having sex several times lately and our powerful magnetism that has continued to keep us connected and having sex for more than ten years….. We are having sex again but it has not been discussed whether he is having sex ONLY with me. And I am afraid to ask. I feel like that adds pressure. I want to continue. Yet it’s true I also want it to be only us. I don’t want to endure time spent away from me, I want him spending his time with me and connecting with me!

    The only times he has ever ignored my texts like he occasionally does over the weekend, (ie, this wknd), was long ago when he was angry with me (when we were in court – he would straight up ignore/be cold/controlling response), or when last year he started seeing someone else and not telling me about it. (Happened once, last year when we had started seeing each other again and he decided he wanted to move things forward with her, and finally got up the guts after weeks of odd behavior, to tell me.) and I think he has still been seeing her…

    He told me then (when I told him I wanted to be together and though that’s what we were doing) that there was a time he would have loved to hear me say I want to be together and have our family together.
    He has told me before (a few years before) that he was Falling in love with me, after we had our child- before I really don’t think he had any feelings for me whatsoever. He remembers my birthday. He entertains the idea of living together and once asked me the heart stopping question of moving in with him. He asked me again later.. And then has twice offered me to move with his mom or with him when I needed help.

    There were reasons I could not come with him the two times he asked out of his own desire, but he does not understand my reasons and feels he would have made it work (despite never quite explaining how that would happen when I asked). …..

    So I feel that now maybe I should go ahead and just move in with him — even tho it is because I need it and he is offering help if I can’t find a place on such short notice– because this has happened enough times. It’s time for us to do this.

    My intuition says do it, but still I hesitate because my mind says “what if he doesn’t want this and he is offering out of concern but soon won’t be supportive enough and will leave you in a worse mess than you were in already!?” My heart wants to. My intuition says.. He may be hesitant but he wants it. He is having trouble separating from things he didn’t expect to seperate from yet but he doesn’t want to lose me either. He wants it all while he decides what to do? .. He may feel hesitant but once we get in it he will feel the ease and fulfillment… And somehow we will be together. But I worry about how to not sit in limbo then and how to get to commitment.

    I often get anxious when I am in his presence. I have to remind myself to slow down, relax, breathe… Move slowly.. Connect… Make eye contact… Smile..

    Anxious because.. I never know what he is thinking. It makes me feel uneasy.
    But we are growing and I have seen SO many positive changes lately!

    Lately I’ve felt far more relaxed as he has opened up more and relaxed a lot more himself, been more connective, emotionally and physically..
    Sometimes I’ve felt afraid he doesn’t really want me and maybe I wouldn’t like what he is thinking?

    When we’ve had sex recently, I feel he wants it, and wants me, he seems thrilled the way he smiles at me now (unusual!!!!) and I feel a little bit like he’s falling in love with me again. (But then doesn’t talk to me all wknd or take action on doing anything). During sex I had several thoughts like he doesn’t want me, but strangely also had them immediately negated by a voice that was far more positive about his feelings that I haven’t heard before that said— he is extremely attracted to you. He really does want you right now. He’s thrilled. He wants this. He’s falling in love. He enjoys this as much as you do. His heart is connected to yours. We both know this is it. Things like that… Completely took over..

    The first time we had sex again he definitely initiated it.. I inspired it. But he wouldn’t kiss me…. I DID share a successful feeling message that day about how I felt confused about why he wouldn’t kiss me, how I love it, it turns me on so much more, I love his soft lips.. And I let it go at that. I wanted him to feel free to do as he chose. So he honored my wishes!!!! And he has kissed me ever since, and if I ask for it he does it also.

    Still pondering how to discuss this living situation with him, as if I do not find a place for me, (or both of us even), I will end up moving in with him.

    I do not know how long his lease is, how long he wants me to stay, if he wants to find another place together after that (without roommates) (or maybe he would not decide until we’d lived together a while?), or if he wants to give it a go as a couple and as a family.. He hasn’t mentioned rent.

    It’s a tiny place with no room for anything else…
    I do not know if he would make room for me in the closet or how to even ask that .. I do not want to be living out of luggage.

    I can not see living together and not being in a relationship.

    I would want to do everything together (visiting his family out of town as he does currently and we used to do together), spend weekends together, evenings making dinner and working on projects together.. Etc.

    Living as a couple and family.

    I have to see if I can get him to set aside some time to talk about all this.. I am just feeling uncomfortable talking about it and knowing what to say.

    He is not that communicative with me– rarely– I feel as tho I have to ask him “do you feel___about this?” .. Do you feel thrilled.. What are you feeling right now.. You look thrilled.. Do you feel any desire to be together?

    I don’t know. Blah blah blah brain.
    I feeeeeel sleepy. Worried. Because I’m feeling tired.

    I feel anxious to work this out and deadlines pressing. I feel only a tiny bit braver .. Maybe I can schedule a day with him, get a sitter, go to the park, and talk about some of my questions about moving in.



  150.  #150Indigo on March 8, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    Labbit 128,

    This doesn’t surprise me. It is normal for you both to feel a little triggered after a wonderful, intimate weekend away. Likely it doesn’t have a completely rational explanation, but are just things stirring around inside.

    As far as the book thing, this kind of experience has happened to me numerous times with very lovely guys where it just seems to highlight the difference between men and woman, and the way we approach things. I find explaining my perspective doesn’t work too well because they just don’t see it the same way, so I tend to just put it down to a difference in perspective, and just leave it alone. If I were to say something it would be something along the lines of “why not just let me enjoy it my way and you enjoy it your way and we’ll discuss it when we’re both ready?”

    As far as him being ornery and seeming to be angry with you, I am certain this is just him being triggered, and the less attention you can give this, the better. D also gets like this (usually after we have been close or he has given to me), and he absolutely doesn’t mean to be angry or snap, so I rather give us both a little breathing room. Not shut down from him or pull away from him, but just turn my attention to something else. Let him deal with his funny feelings or mood, it is his responsibility. Most likely he will appreciate you for giving him the space and not being offended.

    Oh by the way Labbit, this weekend I thought of you when I was expanding my own tolerance for intimacy. D and I were lying next to each other and he had his hand on my leg, and it was such a relaxed, gentle, warm moment that seemed to go on forever. In fact we were there for a long time, and internally I could feel my urge to run away, but I just breathed and consciously relaxed and opened myself up to his touch.



  151.  #151April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 4:02 am

    Indigo 144

    I have been wondering about that very thing. Buying him a nice shirt for his birthday and then letting him know how turned on I feel when he wears it…
    And then… I was worried it might seem too much like manipulation.

    I fear that if I bought him a nice shirt he would think that I am trying to change him. And that he would feel unsafe that I don’t accept him as he is.
    For that reason, if things continue to niggle at me I would rather find a way to express it to him in a way that feels truthful to me.

    I’m so glad it worked for you. And, when you say that compliments go a long way with a man…. well…

    Yesterday he said I was beautiful. I let that sink in. A little while later I referred to him as ‘handsome’. He totally batted it off, saying that I didn’t have to feel obliged to return a compliment. I felt weird and like a bit of an icky twist in my stomach.

    I suspect his self-esteem may be low, but I don’t want to analyse or get in his business.

    He has already told me that I don’t need make up or jewellery or any ‘adornments’ in his eyes, and that he would find me sexy in any clothing.
    This felt a bit strange to hear, although he meant it in a nice way.



  152.  #152Labbit on March 9, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. I knew some fresh eyes would help me see things more clearly! I have to admit last night I started feeling deeply triggered, my fear of rejection rushing right to front and center in a way I have never felt with TenderCD before. Then abandonment followed not too far behind and at least I am at a point in my journey where I can see these triggers for what they are…old cruft that have nothing to do with what’s going on in front of me. I felt myself wanted to close off and shut down from receiving Tender’s energy which was coming way, so it was an experiment in self-love to stay open. Ahhhh, triggers. Every time I think I’ve healed one it comes up yet again in a new form, same feelings with a slightly different face or name. An evening of self-soothing helped and I realize I’ll need to keep doing this until I return to feeling more centered in myself. Siren Island support helps immensely. 🙂

    The Universe in its infinite wisdom has lined up this week so I can keep myself busy for the next couple of days and give TenderCD some space without feeling like I’m avoiding him, and then we’ll see each other on Wednesday evening for a party which should bring out our most festive spirits. I hope.

    April Rose 131 — Hmm, this feels interesting to me. I would fret about saying something like “I can see how you might feel that way”, it feels a little emasculating to me, almost like I was talking to a little boy rather than a grown man. But I do very much like the idea of admitting to him that I’m unsure if I’m understanding him, or why this keeps coming up.

    Mistea1 132 & April Rose 133 — Hee! Yes there certainly is a general pressure in parts of our social group for couples to be attached at the hip. I was pretty surprised when TenderCD asked me out the day after we got back, and then again the next day, and as the woman it really is up to me to set the pace so perhaps I flubbed this one a bit and should have said no to give him some cave time and me some ‘me’ time.

    TenderCD has mentioned wanting to spend more time together so that we can practice for living together and I bristled at this a bit. I shared how even after we move in together I would expect us each to lead a healthy mix of our together life and our own lives and how I don’t want to be one of those co-dependent couples who can’t be apart for more than 5 minutes. He agreed and yet here we are kind of falling into that anyway. Good food for thought.

    139 Femininewoman — Thank you for this! The Upper Limits theory was highlighted in a book I recently read and I feel fascinated by it. It certainly seems to ring true for me…I know that as I get happier and happier, there is a trigger waiting to test me deeply at each growing level of happiness. It does at times make me want to bring myself back down to Earth so to speak, to run away away from progress and fall back into my old ways. Yet I cannot. The rewards of healing triggers are too great! I can see why many people would want to run away from this…working through triggers is TOUGH stuff. So if it’s also happening for Tender that wouldn’t be too surprising. Hopefully like Dominique says as I heal he’ll continue to come along with me, healing himself along the way. I will add the book you’ve suggested to my reading list!!

    146 Indigo — Things stirring around inside, that is a brilliant way to put it. Even as I was able to recognize that TenderCD was clearly feeling triggered, I felt my old urges of hopping into my masculine energy and trying to ‘fix’ things coming on strong…it feels great that I was able to instead lean back, breathe love into myself and focus on myself for the most part rather than egg him on into a combative state. We have been through this before in a way, back when we were negotiating our relationship last fall Tender would at times get quite mean with me…I just wish I was still feeling the super confidence I was at that time to be able to let it roll of my back! It will come back in time…

    Thank you for the scripting suggestion around the book, that feels good to me, and as well for the reminder that the less attention I pay to this ornery mood of his the better. What you focus on grows, right? And I do not want to reward him with positive attention for a bad mood. OK, I can do this! Focus on me, focus on putting my energy into my own tasks at hand, let him be and trust that this will settle.

    I LOVE your intimacy moment with D! Isn’t it wonderful how such a seemingly small gesture, like his hand on your leg, can bring on such a rush of warmth and goodness? Yes it almost intolerable at times to receive so much and yet ahhhhh, the waves of goodness that continue long after the moment is over are so worth it. I can think of a time when TenderCD gave me a handshake — and I know how innocent that sounds and yet it was so lingering and there was so much non-verbal communication of attraction and desire in it, him wanting to give me so much more than that in that moment but not being able to, I still feel a rush of lust and excitement when I think about it. I am delighted to hear that you were able to open yourself up ever further to receive this wonderful gesture from D!! It’s moments like this that are seared in our minds and their minds too, to be remembered forever in both mind and body. Way to go, lady. 🙂



  153.  #153Kath on March 9, 2015 at 6:11 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Its been a while, I have missed you all but I needed some time for me alone. I broke up with the man I’d had a 3.5yr relationship and moved out last October. We have had no contact for 6mths and then I sent him a box of things that I had sorted through and returned to him as rightfully is, including a memory stick with copies of all the photo albums we had of our relationship. Since then I had a lovely text from him saying he’d looked through the photos and cried because there were so many happy memories. He said he was so sad that we couldn’t work out the problems. I said it was emotional for me too and that I hoped we could be friends. Yesterday he invited me out on a bike ride, something we used to enjoy together and it felt ok to say yes. We had the most lovely afternoon together, chatting, catching up and our connection was really really strong. We both found it hard to part. In the evening he text me to say he had a massive headache and could only think about me. It was spooky because I had a massive headache too and was crying about him. It transpires that he wants to try again and I have to admit that I do too. But this is his pattern and my pattern- we have both ended relationships before and gone back to try again only to realise its not going to work and suffer more pain in the process. I do love him and I when we are good together we are really, but when we are bad, we’re dreadful. I have been working on my self worth and recovery from the stress we put ourselves under. After talking yesterday it seems that in the last 6mths quite a few things have happened for him- he fell out with 2 of his children-he fell out with his x-wife but has also been trying to help other people out “doing” for people, as he always does. Its one of things that really annoyed me about him!- but that’s just it, I let it annoy me and saw it as a negative thing. I didn’t feel loved by him in the end because I didn’t love myself. I got lost in the relationship by allowing him to take the lead a lot!- I have said that I am happy to try again but I want to go slow- he has agreed- but I am frightened to it failing again and of being hurt again.



  154.  #154Kim on March 9, 2015 at 6:26 am

    So just as everything was going so perfectly, I knew something was about to happen…lol..
    For one, I have been sick…not so sick to stay in bed but sick enough not to be a le to get outside, which has made me feel utterly miserable, vulnerable and cooped up…I am such an outdoors girl…already 8 days… 🙁
    Feeling better this weekend, but a major bust up with the man. It all started so nice…his sister is here…and we had troubles around that last time, they kind of get back into a teenager thing (in their 40’s), whereby he was embarrassed of having an adult relationship…well, whatever…it was like ‘sneaking around’ in front of her. They sleep in till midday and watch TV or just sit on the couch – I am not invited, lol, well just as well because I am a get up and go person, and frankly, it feels odd to me to watch two teenagers in their 40’s…lol. I need to get on with my day 🙂
    This time, we had made plans to do something fun together on Sunday. Well, the weather was going to be bad…so we said, then Monday…..but he said he would probably come and pick me up Sunday and we could all hang out a bit at his place….well, that never happened. They were ‘busy’.
    .so although I could have done with the rest (here is what I did wrong…), I worked like a horse all weekend, till late, on my side job and my jewelry….I did not set one foot outside of my door…did not hear much from them.etc.
    So Sunday, didn’t see them although he lives only 20 mins away from me…amd said he would pick me up, instead I got a text at 6:30…to say:
    ‘Maybe you want to go for dinner with us Monday night?’
    Ugh. So I basically bent over backwards for plans that didn’t materialise because they were ‘behind’ in what they were going to do, look through three boxes of their parents stuff in THREE WHOLE DAYS.
    I was feeling livid, ignored and sidelined, having been sick and gettin up at 7 to work in order to keep time free for us all to do somehing while they were sleeping most of the day and ‘getting behind’. Getting behind what, looking through a couple of boxes of china?
    I could have cleared out a whole three bedroom house in 3 days. In fact, I have done. I felt so disappointed. In essence, he just didn’t want to do something with me and I guess that is what made me feel sad, it was all talk but then things got in the way. His sister wanted to sleep, bake a cake, stay and watch TV….There I was getting texts saying “I miss you” but ‘I am so busy’
    Ok.
    So yesterday, I very unsireny just said that I didn’t want to go and do anything with them today, had cleared my time to do something and plans changed all the time because they don’t get their arses into gear before 2pm , and that I was spending the day in nature after having been cooped up all week…he was pissed obviously, accused me of drama etc.
    It’s hardly drama when I have decided to please myself.
    I feel good about it.
    Also, I had sent him a forward about a lecture tonight that was really important to me…it is only an hour and I have no way of getting there…he never even commented on it…one hour out of three days…oh well. I feel disappointed.
    Like my needs are not important, and it’s not like I even demand to go or anything.

    It again brings up the whole energy thing between us.
    He has much lower energy and is a natural born procrastinator…on the weekends he eats breakfast at 12.
    I kinda feel worried how it will be when he moves in…I can’t even imagine, if his sister came to stay, creeping around my pad until midday on the weekends, to me (sorry if I offend), it is not normal adult behavior to sleep until midday when in your 40’s….to me that is reverting to teenager’s behavior and a waste of a good sunshiney day. Anyone can do what they want obviously, but in my place? Uh oh. I dare say: no.
    So ugh.
    Anyway..point is, I feel at peace, I know he is angry but I now have a whole day to myself, after having been just short of stood up pretty much Sunday and today, bar dinner…and I honestly don’t feel like dinner with them, as it has to be vegan and I had a vegan one on Saturday. Guess what, I want to do with my day what the heck I want, and eat what I want..and it feels good!
    So rant over.
    Just venting, feeling better already.
    I also think I need to CD again, not full out but a little….see more of my friends, stay open to meeting other men etc.
    I saw a beautiful engagement of one of my friends…the guy such a sweetie, designed the ring, set up their first date again, invited both families secretly…really brought tears to my eyes..and I was kinds thinking and feeling that I doubt my man would ever go through all that. And that is not bad, just different, he has a lot of great traits…. just his personality is hesitant, slow, indecisive…and it has thrown up some old doubts. Can i find it in my heart to accept him, 100% even in teenager mode? I don’t know? Can I?
    He is such a sweet and wonderful guy but I still have doubts.
    And, I really have to say, that I am still having a single mindset. I am still thinking I am ‘free’ until I am engaged, and somehow I do not feel like a fiance or a wife, I feel like a gf, someone who, when other stuff is going on, might not be considered…and I really do not want to feel this way. So there.



  155.  #155Kim on March 9, 2015 at 6:31 am

    While I was writing that, isn’t it funky how the Universe works lol, an old CD texted me whether I wanted to join him for breakfast, and I had an email from Boston guy who js coming down in 3 days…LOL 😉



  156.  #156Kim on March 9, 2015 at 6:36 am

    While my bf is still sleeping, others are not sleeping 😉
    This really made me laugh…actually, I am just going to put this weekend behind me and have a whole luxurious work free day with some pampering, some sunshine, a cocktail or two. I feel excited…and I am giving my man and his sister lots of space to bond and sleep etc. Sounds like a win-win 🙂



  157.  #157April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 7:06 am

    (((((Kath)))))

    Good to see you posting here again.

    I feel moved by your story.

    I hope you will be a regular writer here with me and the other amazing sirens. We can give each other feedback every step of the way in dating and relationship.

    I feel really fascinated to see your story unfold. It sounds like there is plenty of love between you and this man.

    All any of us really need is to expand our relationship skills and keep our hearts open and our defenses down. And then we will grow closer to a man who is right for us, and any that aren’t will fall away naturally.



  158.  #158Mistea1 on March 9, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Feminine Woman 139,
    Thanks for the book suggestion. It sounds like something I should read too.

    To all Sirens:

    I just read Rori’s post on “Channel you feminine power this way.” The listing will be helpful getting my thinking back on track.

    The other thing I read about is how there are actually chemicals released in areas of the brain having to do with drug addiction and how it like cocaine which triggers the pleasure centers. I recall thinking that my issue feels like I’ve been drugged.

    I restarted my formal meditation practice again about 3/4 of the way through February. This helped a lot. When I went to the Evensong service and did not see him I could enjoy the music.

    When I went to the concert where someone else was playing I got really triggered by seeing him. I could tell he was still triggered too. He approached me twice. The first time I just turned away and he didn’t push it. The 2nd time I turned and walked out the front door. Now that I understand the chemical addiction part of this I figure I am doing both of us a favor by not approaching or noticing. A big part of this is no eye contact.

    I’m assuming after another 30 days or so this will all die down. It is very hard on me. The only way I will break this decision is if he calls me on the phone and makes an appointment. Chance of that is slim to none.

    Meanwhile I’ve found some specialized meditations and one is for addiction. I’m starting that today. So it will be interesting to find out if this sort of thing does work. ANy comments about addictions would be helpful too.

    So, I am too comfortable emailing Lawguy and inspired by you all I am considering using a feeling message to encourage him to meet up in person. I like him in writing big words and all. His kids like him and I can background check by going on our states Bar Association website.

    How about this? “I’m feeling so at ease with our email conversations that it might be fun to say some of these things in person. What do you think.”

    Any suggestions welcome.



  159.  #159Kath on March 9, 2015 at 7:54 am

    ((((((April Rose)))))))))

    So lovely to read your post- thank you. Yes- I have done a lot of thinking and delving into me and what went wrong between us and how much I blamed him. But I have to accept my hand in it too- I thought we had a basic fundamental misunderstanding of each other- weren’t on the same page at all- but we had been in the first few months of seeing each other. I completely lost trust in him because he maintains contact with virtually all his x’s and even though I have met all but one of them, I refused to believe that it was just an inocent friendship and couldn’t understand why they still begged for his attention sometimes. Well, not all, that’s not true, one in particular whose contact was to me, totally inappropriate and disrespectful of the fact that he now had another girlfriend. It was probably the main reason why we broke up. Because even though I constantly told him how it made me feel, he did nothing about it and it drove a huge wedge between us until it eventually broke us. Seeing him yesterday was so lovely, and neither of us could believe that we had not been in contact for half a year. He told me how he had decided when we broke up that he would show me that he could change and for the first time in his life (he 56) he was happily living on his own in the house we rented together. He was cooking, gardening! (something he’d never done before!) was learning about planting veg and kept surprising his daughter with lovely baking and by not drinking himself stupid, which she’d seen him do when he broke up with her Mum. I was stunned at the positive changes he was making!- and smiling inside because he told me how much of an impact I had on him. I have to be open don’t I?- and I have to give it a go and put into practice all of Rori’s teachings. We have agreed no pressure and to be honest I’m not even bothered about sex right now- but how do I say that to him?- I was thinking something along the lines of; ” We both know we can do sex, the physical side of our relationship was never a problem. But loving each other and feeling loved, that is what is important to me now.” What do you think?



  160.  #160April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Kath,

    I am really working my way through how much to verbally share with a man, and how much to hold inside (as a kind of dialogue with self).

    Another plan that I am going to look at and offer in my relationship is an idea I heard from Adam Gilad-
    “Making Your Own Relationship Constitution:
    Say to a guy “let’s create a vision together for how we want to feel in relationship”. Men like projects like that and they’ll respect you for your clarity. It will save heartbreak and will create intimacy that nourishes both of you according to your unique needs and desires.”



  161.  #161April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 8:39 am

    I love Adam Gilad because he teaches how to bring out the ‘hero’ in your man, so that he will be always inspired to please you.

    One phrase he uses a lot is “reward your man into his deeper qualities”

    In your case, Kath, you could find and express your appreciation for his masculine side (for example, when he goes to help other people – that is so masculine and nurturing, and really could be felt as a turn-on in my book).



  162.  #162Kath on March 9, 2015 at 8:41 am

    April Rose,

    Ooh I love that idea!- yes, that is definetly something I will try- and I think it would help us!- He said that “a lot of compromises” needed to be made and I am not clear what he meant by that but I think I prefer the idea of creating our own relationship constitution- thank you! xx- I am here to learn and grow and it looks as though he is stepping up!- I am so happy! 🙂



  163.  #163April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 8:43 am

    I guess there is a fine line between judgement (“Oh, there he goes helping others again. That’s so weak. Why doesn’t he tell those people to leave us alone?”)

    and appreciation (“Oh, there he goes in his masculine super-hero mode, helping others. Mmm, it really is quite sexy how he is prepared to take action like that”)



  164.  #164April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 8:45 am

    I fall into judgement when I am feeling insecure.

    And when I am in self-love mode, feeling my inner tree-trunk, I can look upon all men (from my goddess pedestal) and I can appreciate them for all the things they do, the thoughts they think, and the actions they take.



  165.  #165Kath on March 9, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Yes- and I was being very judgemental and he said at the time that I was being insecure- which of course,



  166.  #166Kath on March 9, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Oops sorry!, typing too fast!

    I meant to say- which of course I flatly denied, but which I know was true!- I am dealing with that now and you’re right, I need to switch that and see his actions as very sexy (which of course I do but don’t like to admit!)



  167.  #167Kath on March 9, 2015 at 8:55 am

    I need to learnh to share that with him. In one of the texts he sent me last night, he said he so wanted the good Kath as he missed that so much. That did hurt! because I felt really bad for the way I had badly dealt with my own stuff. Ooh sometimes this is really uncomfortable learning isn’t it!?



  168.  #168Kim on March 9, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Oh I am being totally judgmental today…because I feel disappointed nd also just a little vulnerable.
    I do believe however, being ‘judge’mental to a certain extent can help us to identify what we do and don’t want in life. For example, I am a total ‘get up and go’ person.
    Do I want to spend my life with someone who has so much less energy and can’t get out of the house on weekends before midday?
    There is nothing good/bad about that, it just is. I can’t help judging it though. I mean, at our age people have responsibilities and kids and stuff to do and stuff to get on with, and they DO.
    So I feel oddly put off by what to me is foreign.
    I can decide, do I want this? Or not?
    Can I live with this?
    He has wonderful qualities….
    I can choose.



  169.  #169April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Kim,

    It seems very obvious that you and your man live at different speeds.

    Question is, can you be okay with that and accept it? Or does the frustration cause you to lose enjoyment of the relationship overall?

    I am a fast speed person, and I went out with a man who was much more moderate and sedate. It nearly drove me to distraction. On the other hand, it did teach me patience.



  170.  #170April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Kath,

    Have you got Rori’s program Commitment Blueprint?

    There is so much wonderful stuff in it about keeping your heart unzippered and letting men see and share the good stuff. (We often shut this down quite early in the relationship if we are afraid of intimacy).
    I am sure this is what your man has experienced, hencing wanting ‘the good Kath’ back.

    There is some wonderful processing of this very thing going on at the moment on this blog. Notably inspiring in this whole regard is Labbit, and I would encourage you to read back over her comments. I have taken so much inspiration from her in my baby steps toward staying open and letting a man in.

    In her comment 148 she says
    “…I know that as I get happier and happier, there is a trigger waiting to test me deeply at each growing level of happiness. It does at times make me want to bring myself back down to Earth so to speak, to run away away from progress and fall back into my old ways. Yet I cannot. The rewards of healing triggers are too great! I can see why many people would want to run away from this…working through triggers is TOUGH stuff.”

    Rori says in Commitment Blueprint, then when a trigger comes up it is cause for celebration, because it is precisely when they surface that we can heal them.



  171.  #171April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 10:03 am

    My little at-a-glance manual for healing from triggers:

    * Make it the norm to stay in my centre. Tree trunk inside, tree roots into the ground. Heart unzippered.

    * Practice feeling what this is like, ALL THE TIME, when there are no triggers.

    * WHEN EMOTIONALLY TRIGGERED, let the feelings ‘roil’ (roll and boil!) around inside me, tracking them with my awareness.

    * Keep feeling it all, with a sense of curiosity, until it changes

    * Feel the changes

    * Shake my body like a dog shakes off water!

    * Return to centre, and the feeling of the inner tree (strong on the inside).



  172.  #172Indigo on March 9, 2015 at 10:24 am

    April Rose 167,

    I love this! Feels almost yogic.

    Just about the buying D the shirt which I thought would look great on him, I just wanted to clarify that I never asked or even encouraged him to wear it, all I did was say how sexy I thought he’d look in it, and this aroused his curiosity. I didn’t in any way try and “get” him to wear the clothes I liked, all I did was compliment him and this just seemed to create a positive feedback loop which was great where he started to see what I was saying. I definitely wanted him to do what HE wanted, and I think this helped.

    I had to smile when I read about your man’s shy reaction to being complimented as I think this is common for men. I think, just like us, they also need to build up their tolerance for love and positive feedback. I would not be surprised if your man gets better at accepting compliments as time goes on.



  173.  #173Indigo on March 9, 2015 at 10:35 am

    Labbit 148,

    Thanks 🙂 I see how leaning back creates the space for the capacity to receive more love, more intimacy, and more forward movement of a man towards us.

    For example, D and I were supposed to get together on Saturday (which we did). On Friday night he texted me asking how I was etc. and said he’d text me on Saturday. So Saturday morning rolled around, and by 11 am I could already feel the anxious jitterbugs jumping up and down inside me. The old me would have texted HIM (yes, I know, I know) to find out what was happening just to get it over with. But instead I just took care of things for myself, and when he did finally text I was able to share with him how sad I was that my cat had died and receive his comfort and love. I can see now how I would have in the past pushed that away by leaning forward. Likewise, last night, I decided to go to bed early and he was still up doing stuff, and he said he would come through shortly to tuck me in, give me a kiss etc. I lay there in bed, unable to fall asleep, wondering if he would come through, afraid somehow of being disappointed about this tiny thing, but I was eventually able to soothe myself and tell myself to trust him. The old me would have just got up and probably gone to him to get a hug and a kiss. But instead, he came to *me* shortly after, and I was able to have the experience of trusting him to do what he said he was going to do. It was nice.



  174.  #174Indigo on March 9, 2015 at 10:37 am

    April Rose, I love this! : “reward your man into his deeper qualities”



  175.  #175Indigo on March 9, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Kim,

    I agree with the conclusion that both you and April Rose have come to, about do his good qualities outweigh these more irksome ones, does the relationship make you happy enough overall that you are willing to accept this side of him.

    For my part, I think there needs to be some pretty compelling good stuff that makes you feel amazing so that stuff like this seems more minor in comparison, barely a blip on the radar. I like to judge it by how long it bothers me after the event has passed. If I move on from it relatively quickly, it feels worth it to continue. Since you are talking about a major commitment here, him moving in with you and talking marriage, it seems a good idea to think about how the relationship makes you feel overwhelmingly.



  176.  #176nyx on March 9, 2015 at 11:23 am

    @ Kim
    I am one of these who love to sleep in in the weekends. makes me feel relaxed, serene, like I am relieved of the week’s demands and the incessant chase of trying to catch up with everything I’m supposed to do. Makes me feel free- I am doing what I need and want. I like to experience new things, new activities, places too- but not if i am going to not feel rested and like I have another “appointment” to keep.
    In a relationship with a man who wants to rise early and be out and about… I wouldn’t be able to do this all the time without feeling constantly exhausted. I’d try to negotiate maybe one day of activities and one day to sleep in, to experience the luxury of not HAVING TO do anything till the afternoon and feel rested come Monday morning. I frankly would love my man to rise at 5 am to say, go fishing or hiking and be back by 2 pm to pick me up and we could go do something- almost anything- together. Then I wouldn’t feel like I had to cut down on my sleep and stress to be with him 😉 nor would I feel stressed, knowing that he was waiting for me. I’d enjoy the feeling that he was enjoying himself 🙂 When travelling with my husband, we did things like this and
    we both felt invigorated and relaxed afterwards and like we had gotten what we needed, time together included.

    I agree that this can effect things more than expected in a relationship, and I also think you solved this in a great way by next day scheduling to get YOUR needs met. 🙂



  177.  #177April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Indigo,

    Wow, I had never thought of this

    ” I think, just like us, they (men) also need to build up their tolerance for love and positive feedback. ”

    This also makes me wonder, if a man sometimes covers up his ‘good stuff’ through fear of intimacy…

    I feel so intrigued, and also a little anxious.

    And again, I wonder if “reward him into his deeper qualities” can be applied to bolster his self-esteem.

    Adam Gilad says that men want to be admired. And yet, with this new man, when I express admiration he bats it off.

    Ladies, how do we handle a man’s insecurity?

    I have found that saying “I have faith in you. I have confidence in you that you will work it out” is received much better than expressing admiration for something he has already achieved.

    Hmmm.

    How to be curious without analysing…..



  178.  #178Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Mistea – 158 – I’m loving your creativity with your feeling message. If I may, I would like to tweak it ever so slightly to keep it all in feelings..

    “I’m feeling so at ease with our email conversations, I think it would feel more fun to say some of these things in person. What do you think.”

    And as an aside, I use “I think” here because I’ve inserted a thought here which is perfectly okay to have and express. So this is not a feeling but a thought around a potential feeling. Make sense?

    xxoo



  179.  #179Lovergirl on March 9, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    I am feeling better about things. He called me last night but I didn’t answer because I was driving my kids home from their dads (a couple hours away). I texted when I was at a gas station and he said he just wanted to see if I was going to come work for him on Tuesday and Thursday.

    That was totally unnecessary to ask, so I suspect he just wanted to contact me. Then this morning he texted just to say good morning. 🙂 Later he wanted me to do some silly little thing online that he could have done himself in 30 seconds. I feel like NOT contacting him and just being responsive is “working” for now. 🙂



  180.  #180April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Dominique,

    Do you think it better not to praise men or express admiration for them or their actions if they seem insecure?



  181.  #181Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    Kath – 159 – How about this?

    “I would feel more comfortable (or it would feel so much better to me) exploring what’s happening here slowly, no pressure, including the physical/sex.”

    Does this feel right/good to you, what you want to say?

    xxoo



  182.  #182Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    April Rose – 168 – What an amazing awareness. LOVE this!!!

    xxoo



  183.  #183Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Kim – 169 – I agree with April Rose on this. Maybe he’s here to help you learn to slow down? Maybe all of this go go stuff is not serving you? Maybe there’s a better balance?

    I too like April was a go go kind of person, and for e it made me feel better about myself, superior even sometimes, yet when K came along (he being of a much slower pace at the time), his pace helped me see that I was missing out on a lot by rushing about, I was missing the nuances. He helped me learn to BE more readily. He helped me learn to sleep, find peace and ease in my body.

    I’m not saying that this is necessarily what MoM us here for in your case, yet it’s something to look at.

    And absolutely YOU get to choose.

    xxoo



  184.  #184Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    April Rose – 180 – What a great question. It depends. Most of the time, men love to receive appreciation, adulation even for the things they DO (remember most of them are for the most part doing creatures), for example working so hard, working at a job they hate, driving a long commute, for a small or large task he did, especially it it was for you, anything he might do for you. Yes some men like to be complimented of how they look or something they wear, might even make then glow as much as it would a woman, yet this pales in comparison to the other.

    I think you’re right that telling him you trust him, have faith in him and his choices would impact him more. And it might very well over time help him with his insecurity.

    BUT please only do this if it makes you feel good, not to try to change anything in him even though this is like to happen anyway.

    xxoo



  185.  #185Labbit on March 9, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    April Rose 177 — To be honest, I don’t handle TenderCD’s insecurity. What I mean by that is I don’t get into his business regarding whatever insecurities he may be feeling. Although I LOVE it when he expresses vulnerability with me (it makes him seem so much more human and real to me), I make my job simply to listen and allow him to express it and feel safe in expressing any insecurities. I have found that he doesn’t want my help with it — he just wants to get it out of himself so he can move on to the next thought or task. 🙂 And by hearing him, truly listening to him, he allows himself to do that. I don’t have to do anything for him! Yes sometimes he may stew in it for a bit, but that’s just him going through his man process of figuring it out. If he wants my advice he will ask for it. Usually, he just wants to think out loud in my presence and I’m totally cool with that!

    Indigo 173 — Ahh yes, that all sounds lovely. Building that trust up is very rewarding and well worth the gremlins that shout at us along the way. I find I still have to talk myself into it, into allowing TenderCD to do things at his own speed. It sounds like D is taking up all the slack you leave for him, as he should!

    I have a question for you Indigo. How do you handle yourself in those moments when you are feeling triggered, leaning back, and yet feel D’s energy rushing towards you? I find that when I go into a deep lean-back I can feel sometimes urgent energy from TenderCD (and probably a little of my own mixed in there) and it’s hard for me not to want to rush forward in these moments. How do you self-soothe here, if you don’t mind me asking?



  186.  #186April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks Labbit,

    I feel relieved to hear that one answer is to do nothing. Yes, that takes the pressure off.

    Just realised how much pressure I’ve been putting myself under to ‘make things go right’.



  187.  #187April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    I’ve just remembered to leave the rowing of the boat up to him!



  188.  #188Mandy on March 9, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    Oh MY…

    I feel the BIGGEST inspired spark right now…I feel lit up…After reading Rori’s email…Channeling energy, power, and FUN… she really knows how to “get” me…

    I did the list thing, the to do list and the fun list then the window exercise, and then I made a little list…
    Oh my goodness. I have had such trouble with this my whole life I have been depressed and sad it seems like forever.

    Sometimes I can’t get out from under the heap of dishes in the sink and clothing on the floor…what’s worse it J resents me for it and it’s not my fault, I have always had trouble with this. It’s like i needed a list or a way to feel my way into it.

    Rori you have no idea how much this helps, this isn’t just a tool to me, this is freedom from my own clenching up and freaking out at the thought of trying to start ANY task.

    Being labeled “disabled” and never having a regular job before (I am 33 years old), I love the idea of being self-sufficient and not needing others’ help, like a man, or my mom (I feel so guilty needing her help!)

    I have always loved the idea of the independant woman who is one of the best at what she does, is able to take great care of herself, shop at good stores that are clean and safe, buy higher-end clothing and organic food, is able to afford a gym membership and has high standards for herself and her quality of life…just like my mom, except she’s married, lol. My parents raised me to be this way very much. They expect nothing but the best from me and I am so defiant in nature that I never want to do what they suggest. Is it nuts to think I can pull it off? I may be awkward as hell, but I think I can. Of course I’ll have my days but THAT would be my ultimate goal. Being able to take GREAT care of myself and have a 401k and all that.

    Sirens…does that sound good, healthy and realistic?

    As you can imagine, it sounds better coming from Rori, LOL…just a spoonful of sugar, seriously….that’s real stuff! I know not just J but some guy friends and exes always asked me nicely to say what I want to say nicely. (To my ex I’d say “OMG get the f*** off my computer” when he was using it when I came home from college…didn’t work, lol.

    Anyway back to the point…I really feel like I want to get the have it all book. Need to check price however. Got a birthday coming up…but a shift is happening, I have gained back the energy I had when I finished college to work again. Thank goodness.

    But that was really NICE, Rori, feeling the “I Can DO It” happen inside me. Thank you a million…you have no clue how much it helped me today, and how much it will probably help me tomorrow, and then on…



  189.  #189Labbit on March 9, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    153 Kath — I don’t think you have anything to be frightened of. If this man is back in your life it’s for a good reason, whether that’s because there is more to learn from him or because you’ve both arrived at a point where a relationship between you two can now be one of growth and full self-expression. Only time will tell and you can’t do anything to push it along, so may as well lean back and enjoy the ride! 🙂

    In my own relationship history there was a period where I was either trying to draw certain men back into my life (because I felt I’d messed things up and wanted a do-over) or looking for men like the man I’d just dated so I could fix my perceived errors through them. I was living in the past so to speak. TenderCD and I are on our second time dating, and when he and I got back together it was the first time ever I was able to drop our past history and see him with fresh eyes. I had changed so much in the months that we’d been broken up…I hardly felt like the same person anymore.

    So by accident I stumbled upon this great discovery, which is that in relationship I’d often tried to fix my past ‘errors’ with my new guy. And the problem with this is those past events weren’t errors at all — they were learning experiences which drove me to grow and develop better relationship skills and so on, so by trying to fix them I wasn’t allowing myself to just BE with the man I was actually with, I was stuck in my masculine energy.

    With this man, although I totally understand that you may be feeling hesitations, doubts or fears based on your history with him, can you let those all drop away? Can you pretend as though he’s a man you’ve just met, one that you have no history with, that you’ve yet to learn about or discover? If you can allow yourself to be open in this way, it creates a space for some magnificent surprises and discoveries. He won’t feel burdened into his old patterns and neither will you. It allows for NEW, for better, for different.

    It is a great leap of faith and I can’t promise that it will work out but I can promise that it will be a lot less stressful if instead of reacting to the past you allow the present to unfold. 🙂 Focus on all of his good qualities, and appreciate them in his presence by loving on yourself when he does good things for you. If you feel more bad than good, listen to that. Many wonderful experiences await you!



  190.  #190April Rose on March 9, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Oh sigh… I feel so tired.

    I have been feeling triggered ALL day!

    There is a pair of men’s slippers under my table in the kitchen.

    He asked if he could keep them at my house.
    I beamed and said yes.

    This was yesterday evening. He and I have known each other for two and a half weeks!!!



  191.  #191Kim on March 9, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    April Rose, Indigo, Dominique, yes, yes. I agree with everything you said. Like word for word. I go in and out of it. In parts, it does work….as long as I can get going and get my energy out and about, myself or with him.
    I think this weekend everything came to a grinding halt, because although we had all planned on doing something outdoors together, unfortunately his sister is even more inactive and sleepy (lol) than he is…and they were wasting their days just doing nothing, meanwhile I was of the understanding to keep time free today, at first yesterday, so we could all do something (which was what HE and SHE suggested, not me). So this is where my frustration came from, because I worked my behind off…trying to make it happen and then it was cancelled without even letting me know…and this was what threw up a lot of frustration and resentment with me.
    Like, my needs didn’t even appear in this picture. Or what I wanted. Or the fact we had agreed on this. It was like it had never even been spoken about…lol.
    And to top it all, I am missing a lecture tonight….that was very important to me…which he knew but he just blanked my invitation for whatever reason. Maybe because he thought his sister might not be intested, or because he couldn’t get himself to just drive me there, or whatever.
    All around it upset me…the waiting around for them, like I was waiting for teenagers that eventually decided they would rather sit around and watch another movie and eat another pizza instead of actually doing something fun – and without even inviting me. I spent the whole weekend alone with only ice cream in my freezer…too sick to go shopping etc.
    This weekend was just horrible.
    And yes, he is a great guy but…I find it tough to rustle up respect after this weekend.
    And I feel bad for it, really, I know I should be tolerant and sweet and just say ‘oh well, thank you for not bothering to do anything with me all weekend I had fun anyway’ but it doesn’t feel good.
    And there are other issues. If I am being honest….it’s not just that I don’t have a ring, and I know already that there won’t be one unless I bring it up (puke), it’s the fact that I don’t even think I want it anymore. All this hesitation and indecisiveness with so many things, on his part, just grinds with my personality…and the fact he hasn’t even brought it up, is making me feel like I wouldn’t even want it anymore.
    The whole passivity issue has haunted us forever…because this sleepy attitude translates into all parts of life…and that is his personality and I am not sure I can accept and most importantly, respect it 100%….
    It’s the victim thing, the ‘things happen to me and I have no control over my life’ thing…and it just grinds….
    IDK.
    I just have a completely different mindset. Instead of worrying forever if I am getting fired, I would find another job…you know? I mean, it is really not all that complicated in life…lol…go for what you want! I respect people who do just that, women or men.
    Unfortunately MoM has the attitude that the fewer risks you take and the more you object to change the better you sail through life and that has just not been my experience…for everything changes all the time.
    We will have to see.
    I was pretty miffed. He wants to talk, bless him, I don’t see what really we have to talk about. The weekend is over, I was stood up – not a big deal. I can’t talk to him about me not knowing if he is right, I have to go through that myself.
    Honestly, I just don’t know.
    He could end up more of a hindrance to me developing my life and passions, than a help/uplifting/inspiration…being hesitant amd scared of so many things….amd never making decisions unless I ruffle his feathers…it gets old..I just don’t know,



  192.  #192Mandy on March 9, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    I’d like to hear some Siren’s thoughts on conquering fear – specifically, conquering fear of saying a feeling message.

    Anything in particular work for you?



  193.  #193Kath on March 9, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    Labbit and Dominique thank you. I am bowled over. I had planned to say to him: “We know we do sex-there was never a problem with our physical relationship but I would like to put that to one side for now and focus on liking and loving you” and guess what??- He text me and said “Would you like to come over on wed night, have a meal, some wine and a good talk. I’d love you to stay but no sex, we don’t need that right now-we need TLC”- How amazing is that?



  194.  #194Dominique on March 9, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Funny how that works, Kath, the whole energy thing. And having it all work out just the way you wanted without having to do or say a thing. 🙂

    Sending you love.

    xxoo



  195.  #195Mandy on March 9, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Kath – 193 –

    How did you feel that out? How did you have that intuition? I’d really LOVE to hear what happens next. 🙂
    The anticipation is interesting to me.

    I feel like I love the chase too much. Ugh! Yucky, I get so tired 😛 It would be nice to say a feeling message and let it hang in the air and let it be. A lot of the time I have so much fear, I tend to just freak out and be tense and awkward.

    It’s incredibly hard for me to loosen my lower back and hips especially (I know this is because I have been harmed in that area by someone else, that’s very obvious to me, but it is actually beginning to cause my ligaments pain and inflammation.)

    So every night I sit with a hot pad on my back or bum or hip or leg trying to loosen it up, and taking one or two hot baths a night. I definitely need to put a call to the Physical Therapist…put that on my boy list…



  196.  #196Indigo on March 9, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    Labbit 185,

    What a beautiful question because, yes, of course I feel this slightly panicky feeling when D’s energy comes rushing towards me, especially because I’m so sensitive.

    Two things help me here. First, I think working with horses has helped me, because they also have very powerful, vibrant energy and it’s easy to get swept up in the force of it, but I’ve kind of learnt to ground the energy like a lightning rod, and I do the same for humans. So it’s almost like you feel the energy go through you and then into the earth – you feel the vibrancy of the energy but you don’t act on it and it doesn’t knock you off centre. I feel my heart swell when he comes toward me with loving energy, and then I let it go, and this does have a calming, evening-out effect on the situation.

    The second thing I guess is that I am quiet and reserved and I harness this as a strength in these moments – that is, I just BE and resist the urge to talk and chatter and do something. I harness a gentle, centred kind of state which helps me to feel as if the world has stopped spinning.

    Hope this helps 🙂



  197.  #197Kath on March 10, 2015 at 1:38 am

    H



  198.  #198Kath on March 10, 2015 at 1:43 am

    Ha!- so funny- the computer worked faster than me!- sorry!

    Hi Mandy #193- I have been so masculine sometimes that with him it drove him crazy because I was too independent and he felt as though I was pushing him away. Where as I was just stamping my independence. I know now that I need to be way more feminine which is tough because my Mother dinned it into me that a woman shouldn’t need a man!- But I do love him doing things for me, I just would like us to be more of a team because when we work together we are truly a formidable team!



  199.  #199Indigo on March 10, 2015 at 2:51 am

    Mandy 192,

    I find a great way to “conquer” a fear or face it, is to follow it through to its conclusion, and then challenge that rationally. What are you afraid of? What are you afraid will happen? What if that thing did happen, would it be the end of the world? Simply imagining yourself coping just fine or being ok if what you fear will happen does happen is very powerful.

    If you are afraid he will get angry, you could picture yourself saying “I hear you” or dropping the subject – whatever feels right to you. Playing the scenario out in my mind gives me confidence.



  200.  #200Labbit on March 10, 2015 at 4:29 am

    196 Indigo — This is immensely helpful, thank you.

    Whatever trigger I’m up against right now it is the most deeply buried in me and has me feeling more shaky and off-balance than I have in months. The last time I felt this way was right before TenderCD and I had a huge miscommunication and broke up for a day or two. While I don’t fear that happening, for whatever reason I feel my rejection fears strongly right now. In a way I’m glad this trigger has come back to call while I was feeling very strong and centered right beforehand, and yet in this moment I feel pretty miserable and wish it would just go away. Which isn’t helping.



  201.  #201Labbit on March 10, 2015 at 4:41 am

    I suppose that one thing I can celebrate right now is that this time around I KNOW that this is all happening inside of me — not outside of me like I used to think. I know that my brain is stirring up old fears for whatever reason and this has no reflection on reality. While I’m not feeling great right now I also don’t feel a need to rush out and DO something or even turn to TenderCD for reassurance, though I know that option is there for me now. I feel like no matter what I’m going to be OK. Hugs to me.



  202.  #202Azure Blu on March 10, 2015 at 6:47 am

    {{{{{Labbit}}}}
    I am so sorry to read about your grappelings…
    But as we Sirens know… this usually comes just before a BIG breakthrough!!
    Hang in there ohhh… brave and wise Siren…
    Group huggs from Siren Island!!!
    oxoxo



  203.  #203Indigo on March 10, 2015 at 8:14 am

    ((((Labbit))))



  204.  #204Bopa on March 10, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Feeling flat this morning. My partner seems flat. It’s so misty and moist and grey outside. blablabla
    We had a walking date planned to go to the movie theatre but it looks too crappy outside. Although you never know in this area of the world. All that grey could disappear into the sunshine within the hour. It’s still early.

    The topic of children keeps showing up to me. With my partner, with my mother, even when I was with my extended family yesterday. I feel burned out on it.

    I recieved some lovely gifts yesterday pertaining to various things i’m learning and practicing. That’s enough to pump me right up 😀 Although i’ve felt mostly blocked lately in this area. One project is taking days and days…I only touch it every other day for a few minutes. Still it progresses. It could be meant to be slow and intricate. I’m staring at it right now thinking…BLABLABLA
    lol
    Sometimes I notice i’ve had so many unique concepts running around my mind that it is impossible to settle on one so I settle on none.
    Sometimes I notice I feel so frustrated that I don’t have methods and techniques perfected that I do nothing.
    And now I realize my current project IS something for which I am pro and yet still I feel blocked and mostly it hangs there.
    No matter. Just thoughts and feelings and such.
    I feel curious. If I put it all down here will the blocks break.
    If I acknowledge them in writing will they be like “s**t! she knows we’re here! Run!” ? 😀
    Wishful thinking.



  205.  #205Mandy on March 10, 2015 at 10:32 am

    J got upset again with me last night. This time it was because I was using my tablet (like an ipad) during when we were watching a movie. After the movie, he gets belligerently angry, saying, he wanted to spend time with me, and the tablet goes away during movie time, then he accused me of looking at his Facebook without his permission which I did not.

    We’ve gotten into these awful tiffs at midnight when he’s had some drinks and I have done something he doesn’tlike. He will sit there and viciously criticize me. It feels awful. But I’m sick of it and I’m going to the gym right now because I don’t even want to be in the same room as him right now.

    I wish I had a script to tell him my feelings about this and how it’s jacked-up I have to even put up with anymore trouble than I already have to with him.

    UGH. I feel SO angry with him…I want to stomp my feet and hit things, although I never would hit things, I just feel like seriously cutting him off ALL my affection!

    Why is he telling me what I can and can’t do…why is he constantly angry with me…why is he monitoring me, why is he so damn interested in everything I do and all the mistakes I make???

    I need my Toxic Men DVDs! And Modern Siren! But I can only afford one, maybe, if I’m lucky!

    I feels so exhausted!



  206.  #206Gemini Goddess on March 10, 2015 at 10:50 am

    I am having a problem backing myself on something, and feeling needy an yucky.

    We are at almost a year. Everything is great, and keeps getting better. I have no doubts about him/us/the whole deal.

    There are still a few “left-overs” around his house from his ex and her kids. He doesn’t even notice, but they just grind on me. Here’s the list: Books on step-parenting, making a relationship work, verbally abusive communication (which I do not experience), development of teen-age girls (he has a son)…there’s a yucky old wooden back-scrubber that I’ve never seem him use, Easter Egg Decorating materials (he’s Jewish), a pink toe-nail clipper, and a box in the garage used for storing biking gloves addressed to at her previous address. That is the complete list of what is left, and at this point he’s gotten rid of everything else I’ve brought to his attention.

    Here’s my question…Will it ever end? Will this solve the problem? That’s all the “stuff” left in the house, which feels like lousy feng shui to me. But will removing these “things” make it stop, or will I just find something else to “trigger” me? In the interest of my boy energy taking care of my girl energy, I’m going to ask him to get rid of them, and I know he will, but it feels miserable, and I don’t know why. Sort of prickly and heavy in my chest, throat, jaw and hands, and heart beating a bit harder. Yuck.

    I am so tired of this, and how it makes me feel about myself.

    Any comments are welcome.



  207.  #207Kath on March 10, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Gemini Goddess,
    I have been in the same situation as you and know how hard it is to move into a home with the man you love when he shared it with another woman before you. I never felt it was my home, not helped by him constantly telling me what they’d done in the way of decorating, moving furniture etc etc. But when it comes down to it, its us allowing that stuff to annoy and irritate us. Does it really matter that her stuff is still there?- Its just stuff. Box it up and put it away and don’t even think about it-he wants you to be with him and to live with him-to him, the past stuff doesn’t change how he feels about you.



  208.  #208Gemini Goddess on March 10, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Kath-

    Thank you so much for your response. I feel better just airing it and hearing back.

    Logically I know it’s nothing. Eventually the things, and hopefully the NVs will just go away. I have so many other wonderful things to (gently) refocus my attention on.

    XXOO



  209.  #209Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    Mandy 205-

    I’m not super experienced at this myself, but I feel for you and your situation. It sounds very difficult. Have you tried saying things like “I feel like I’m living with an evil dictator and I can’t do anything to make him happy” (lol- okay, thats a bit dramatic, but I tend to be…). Maybe infusing a little humor into the situation would help lighten his negative mood.

    Or maybe just “it feels so tense in here, I feel like I can’t relax and just be myself, I feel like I just want to run away”. “I feel like a little child instead of a grownup that is capable of making my own decisions”.

    Or maybe just “thank you for letting me know that it bothers you when I am on the Ipad while we are watching television. That’s helpful to know for the future. I will make an effort to be more present”. He communicated it a bit late (waiting until AFTER the movie) but hey at least he expressed what was bothering him.



  210.  #210Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Hmmm…wonder why my comment to Mandy went into moderation? I’ll try again…

    Mandy 205-

    I’m not super experienced at this myself, but I feel for you and your situation. It sounds very difficult. Have you tried saying things like “I feel like I’m living with an ev!l dictator and I can’t do anything to make him happy” (lol- okay, thats a bit dramatic, but I tend to be…). Maybe infusing a little humor into the situation would help lighten his negative mood.

    Or maybe just “it feels so tense in here, I feel like I can’t relax and just be myself, I feel like I just want to run away”. “I feel like a little child instead of a grownup that is capable of making my own decisions”.

    Or maybe just “thank you for letting me know that it bothers you when I am on the Ipad while we are watching television. That’s helpful to know for the future. I will make an effort to be more present”. He communicated it a bit late (waiting until AFTER the movie) but hey at least he expressed what was bothering him.



  211.  #211Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    I’m feeling sort of giggly over the fact that “S” called me today while I was working at his place to ask about my weekend. I didn’t give out much information and he said he wasn’t going to ask because it was none of his business. Then he texted me later saying “I was very tempted to pry into your business, but glad I was able to hold off”. I responded (45 min later because I was in the middle of unloading groceries) “Aw, well I didn’t do anything too crazy anyway, lol”.

    Thinking now that I probably shouldn’t have even said that much. I’m still way too worried about protecting his feelings and not wanting him to feel bad/jealous. I actually think its kind of cute when he gets jealous and assumes I’m jumping on all kinds of guys just because he doesn’t know what I am up to though, lol. It feels like he cares.

    I love being at his house, even when he isn’t there. I see evidence of his cute little quirks and it just makes me smile. I so hope he comes around. Sigh…



  212.  #212Zara on March 10, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Copy-pasted from Rory Raye’s blog: Is The Right Relationship EASY?

    The ONLY thing that gets in the way of a relationship being easy is our own stuff.

    Our own fears of intimacy that keep trying to derail love.

    Where we actually don’t FEEL it for a great man who loves us, where we try to create obstacles, where we shut down, where we want more (or less, or different…)

    Where a man has stuff going on (moods, sexual issues, etc..) and WE’RE making it about US and are afraid to talk about it with him.

    The truth is – and every one of my relationship coach friends says the same thing from their own marriages and client’s experiences: With the right man – – it’s easy.

    And – to help more – WHY is it easy?

    Because the “right man” has a simple equation. His love for you and desire to make you happy and keep the relationship going strong is MORE important to him than his own comfort zone.

    He’d rather be embarrassed about his mistakes and “issues” than lose you or have the relationship decline and you be unhappy.

    He’d rather talk through stuff (and he’s able to do that) and work through stuff and make discoveries and changes than watch you be unhappy and frustrated and lose the relationship.

    It’s really simple. To Mr. Right: YOU are GREATER THAN his concerns about him.

    Your happiness = his happiness

    On a day-to-day level, it might not look like this. On some days, his personal pain, fear and issues may block his love and he may run.

    Same for you – you may not receive his love when he gives it because you’re feeling angry and resentful and stuffed feelings down – and you may block him in other ways (by focusing on men or other things “out there”).

    But when push-comes-to-shove – with Mr. Right – you KNOW he’s going to come through. You KNOW he loves you. You KNOW – because of the collection of all his ACTIONS in your relationship over time – that he’s going to put the relationship ahead of his issues and you’re going to be able to work through ANYTHING.

    Therefore – the “working through” may not be easy because it requires US looking inside and exposing ourselves and rising above our OWN defenses and comfort level!

    But the RELATIONSHIP is EASY.



  213.  #213Labbit on March 10, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Thank you much for the support and good vibes, Azure Blu and Indigo. The day started off rough with lots of fear on my part but I ended up having a wonderful day and feel pretty great now! I think I may have had a breakthrough…time will tell… 🙂



  214.  #214Gemini Goddess on March 10, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    Zara-
    Thanks for posting. I don’t know if it was intended for me, but it’s totally on spot.

    Labbit-
    Thanks for posting your own processing above. Always helpful for me even though I didn’t get to chime in earlier.

    The big upside to all this, is that it’s not crushing me like a few months ago. It sucks and is annoying, but actually feels mostly only annoying. I know now that it WILL pass. I know there’s no relationship crisis. Phew. I know it’s just a nagging habit. And I know D will graciously toss it all. I’d say that is HUGE progress, for which I’m truly elated.

    My minor freak out could also be because we had another really ground breaking close weekend. At his suggestion, we took my kids up to his beach house, hit nasty (but fun) IHOP on the way and spent it like a family. Everyone had a fantastic time. My kid were total rock stars. Ohmigodohmigodohmigod….. triggering the crap out of my own upper limits.



  215.  #215Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    I just got a call from this guy that I am supposed to be having a second date with tomorrow. He pitched the idea that we just hang at his house and eat Chinese food, since I am supposedly short on time. I never told him I was short on time. He asked my curfew and I said I’d probably like to be back by 10:30. That would give us a good few hours to go out to dinner.

    I feel annoyed. I got off the phone because my daughter started fussing and I used it as an excuse to hang up. I’m thinking about what to say to him next.

    He had texted me a few hours and asked if I had his “kisses ready”. I was thinking wtf…I haven’t really even made out with this guy- he’s the one that tried to kiss me in the restaurant last time. So I said it felt weird to promise kisses when we haven’t even really kissed yet. He said I was right he was just being silly.

    I don’t feel like I want to sleep with him at this point, so I’m thinking its not a good idea to go to his house to eat chinese food. I think I’m going to text something about how I dont really feel comfortable hanging out at his place yet. :p



  216.  #216Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    I went in moderation again…editing…

    I just got a call from this guy that I am supposed to be having a second date with tomorrow. He pitched the idea that we just hang at his house and eat Chinese food, since I am supposedly short on time. I never told him I was short on time. He asked my curfew and I said I’d probably like to be back by 10:30. That would give us a good few hours to go out to dinner.

    I feel annoyed. I got off the phone because my daughter started fussing and I used it as an excuse to hang up. I’m thinking about what to say to him next.

    He had texted me a few hours and asked if I had his “kisses ready”. I was thinking what the..…I haven’t really even made out with this guy- he’s the one that tried to kiss me in the restaurant last time. So I said it felt weird to promise kisses when we haven’t even really kissed yet. He said I was right he was just being silly.

    I don’t feel like I want to sleep with him at this point, so I’m thinking its not a good idea to go to his house to eat chinese food. I think I’m going to text something about how I dont really feel comfortable hanging out at his place yet. :p



  217.  #217Lovergirl on March 10, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    I have no clue why my last post about my upcoming date is going into moderation, so I will talk about “S” again instead, lol.

    He called me tonight. Supposedly it was to ask why I left a box of shipping envelopes sitting out on the living room floor. I said because that’s where they were when I got to his house and I left it the way I found it. He told me he took them down out of the closet because he knows I’m not as tall as he is and don’t like reaching up to the top shelf to get them. I was like, well that was nice of you and thank you for putting them back up too. 😉

    I feel amused that he called me just to talk about that. 😉



  218.  #218Maria on March 11, 2015 at 7:57 am

    Hello Rori!
    Hope that you will read and answer this, as I am currently feeling so lost, and I really don’t know where and how I can contact you personally. Your answer and advice would really help me, as I am desperate right now.
    So, I am 32 years old, and I just got out of a two months relationship. My problem is that I realized that I am not able to keep a relationship going, I don’t know when and how, but I just push them away and it never lasts. My last boyfriend was exactly what I wanted and wished for. He liked me a lot in the first… 2 or 3 weeks. He also wanted someone in his life for real, he is ready to have a life with someone (I mention that he is divorced for over 2 years, his wife left him for someone else). He was very excited with me, he thought that I was the one for him. But then he got bored I guess. And he felt my desperation. And I tried as much as I could to play cool and not look desperate or needy, but you can feel those things. And I know I was wrong and everything I did just made him lose interest in me. We broke up because he said that he was too busy with his business. He told me that he had no time for someone in his life (and here I believe that it’s either about someone else, or he just preferred to be alone), and that it’s been two months and no feelings came up. And that is because I couldn’t connect with him. Never. We were always uncomfortable with each other. We were like strangers that don’t know what to say. No connection. So I said ok, let’s go on separate ways. But I feel so bad right now. And helpless, and unable to ever make someone stay in my life and love me for who I am. And I know I’ve got to change myself. It’s not always their fault. As it is always the same. And I always try and fail.
    And another question is: if someone ever lost interest in you, is there a way or possibility to ever regain it?
    Help me please.
    Thanks a lot,
    Maria.



  219.  #219Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 9:31 am

    i’m leaning forward – yay i love me and my leaning forwardness – yay – I’ve been doing so well at my sirenness too – so open yet boundaried and then I found someone with whom I felt safe and now I’m miss lean forward as if its oxygen – ugh – when he hugged me in the sea the other day I almost burst into tears – from what I don’t know? the human connection? The tenderness? The grief that I want to be pursued by someone worthy of pursuing me – that i feel tired of all the processing of the mirroring, and grief because I want to be someone’s number one. Definite number one – no effort on my part. No leaning forward. But, I feel impatient and I feel needy and my need right now is for some companionship. Not sex, (although actually yes, if I could, without the attachment, sex). And its not just any companionship – that’s what feels hard – there is sex on platters and i’m not interested. I want to be someone’s number one. I am not this man’s number one. I know he has feelings for someone else who is unavailable. I do not want to become someone else’s f’ing sounding board/mother earth/security board but hey, they’re our mirrors right? And I don’t have feelings for anyone else but I could use the security board – or the company of someone with some depth of emotion at least…he is young – there is no future for us. I do not want to do what I did with young CD and sleep with someone who I knew loved someone else. I know I do not want that. But, I do want someone, or something right now. I fell asleep with him the other night. Facing him. All night. I NEVER do that. I cannot remember the last time I did that with anyone and I told him. I have tried t be vulnerable with him and share my feelings. It’s not that brave because I use his age I think to feel safer. I am still in Thailand by the way. I have been going through so many personal transformations. Too many to write about – maybe I will one day. Some days are pure magic. Some days are challenges. Every day requires so much processing.

    Love to you all

    xxx



  220.  #220Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 9:45 am

    he said no – standard – he had his reasons but still actions speak louder than words. I KNOW not to lean forward ladies. Now, I feel the disappointment of having put myself on the line. It was my fault. He still wants to do something with me at the weekend. I want to shut down and shut him out. That is ‘cos i’m feeling rejection right? And I did it to myself. Yay I love my feelings of stupid woman never bloody learn, yay let that loneliness get the better of you, yay pain in belly, stone in shoulders, I want to cry but I’ve not been able to cry recently – just shut down a lot – I feel mad now with this situation. I want him to make it better cos I’ve got so tired of me making it better. I blocked other young CD – done no time for it anymore. I deserve better. I sacked three clients, done no time for them anymore, I hired someone to motorbike me around earlier ‘cos its my favourite thing to do but I can’t find anyone reliable who will take me. I have been given a lot of wonderful gifts and met some beautiful, and inspiring people, but i’m learning all these lessons and they’re hard hard hard hard. Especially patience and acceptance. I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. I really really don’t.



  221.  #221Mandy on March 11, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    Uhhhhh. I don’t feel so good…It came to me…my realization. To my consciousness. J’s inability to connect…is bad, and men are different at getting help…I’m in a place where I have choices continue to heal set boundaries. Chances are that he won’t get help unless he’s stirred by circumstances.

    Circumstances…

    He doesn’t have to feel for a stripper or a porn actor, and that’s why it’s easy for him to get aroused by them. But as long as he’s making those choices…he won’t get help.

    His behavior is DIFFERENT than his words. He says he wants help, but he doesn’t do anything to get it; he’s 43 almost and hasn’t yet. It will be like this forever if something doesn’t shift. Reality is people get divorced over this all the time. This relationship isn’t as healthy as it seems.

    I do deserve someone who loves me for me. It is an innate need for human beings. To belong. Babies who are neglected wither and die. Touch is needed. Intimacy anorexia makes a person withhold affection, what a person needs to be healthy…to be in a relationship where a person continues to choose to neglect you is not necessary, and not healthy, even though some women hang on for years, trying to get that carrot on the end of that string dangling in front of us. In the end, it’s like, wait, do I deserve this, why is this relationship as tough as humanly possible???

    He can learn how to connect. It is fear and self protection that needs work. But he has to want it. Does he want the help?

    My rough-draft script says this – “In the next three months, for this relationship to continue, you need to get help. Trauma therapy, sex addiction counselor.”
    For HIM, it takes time, work and perseverance.

    THEN, I leave the relationship in his hands. The ball in his court. I will then find out where his heart is at, is he going to choose his toxicity security blanket, or is it me? If he chooses not to get help, I leave, and feel at peace with it, because I gave him more than enough time. Not my fault.

    A man who’s 43 who hasn’t gotten help yet speaks volumes. Some men will fight to get better, like my dad, but others are just not into it. They stay stuck in self-pity and try to control others, but they’ll just keep pushing people away, because that’s not love, and no one will stick around for it.

    I won’t be surprised if he chooses his defense mechanism, his toxicity, his current behavior/habits, over me. It is what it is. He WILL choose something.

    If he does choose his toxicity over me, I can say to
    him, “You made the choice, I made it clear, you said you understood, and I’m walking away because you showed me your heart really isn’t in this.”

    I have one life to live. Do I really want to live with not connecting? That’s a melancholy existence.

    This is gonna be very hard.



  222.  #222Femininewoman on March 11, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    Mandy maybe he is constantly angry because he wants you to be the bad and decide to leave.



  223.  #223Mandy on March 11, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    He does want the self fulfilling prophecy so he can feel right and justified and angry some more…



  224.  #224Linda on March 11, 2015 at 8:21 pm

    I should be in bed. I should have gone to sleep 2 hours ago but I feel troubled and angry. I do not know if what I am experiencing and sensing is real or its all triggers shouting their message in my brain writing a familiar story. No this is NOT my story anymore.

    You know the feeling you get when things just dont add up. You smell a rat and want to call it out as you see it. I mean what is wrong with that really? I am not trying to offer the benefit of doubt or make up any excuses. I am not imagining or trying to hang on to a imaginary anything. I had a text written to send but didnt. Instead I am holding my tongue at this moment but…inside. I want to spout off in an unsireny way, accuse the he*l out of him. Triggers ! I know for sure that I want NOTHING to do with a man who compromises his integrity in any way.



  225.  #225Liquid Light on March 11, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    Wow, I just had this revelation: I could drop the ball at work! I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off the last couple weeks, putting out fires, making sure all of my projects are “on track”. Meanwhile many of my colleagues are dropping the ball all over the place. I keep taking up the slack because I don’t want the projects that I’m on to be run into the ground. But then I realized, wow, I really could just drop the ball too and see what happens. Its not like it would be the end of the world. I mean if so many other people are so lackadaisical, why am i busting my tail? Anyway, probably sounds ridiculous but it never actually occurred to me that I could apply RR philosophy at work too! I might give it a shot especially on one project that has a ridiculous unreasonable deadline on it to begin with. Just feeling like its really not worth all the major stress that I’ve been feeling for the last couple weeks.



  226.  #226Sami Wunder on March 12, 2015 at 11:10 am

    # 218 Hi Maria

    I am sorry for your pain and I feel for your situation! I am a Rori Raye trained coach and I have some tools and ideas that I would love to help you with. If you like, you can choose to book a free introductory session with me on my website.

    Love,
    Sami



  227.  #227Maria on March 12, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Hey Sami!
    Thanks for the answer, and yes, I would like to book a free introductory session with you on your website, how do I do that?
    Thank you!



  228.  #228Sami Wunder on March 12, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Marie, Just click on my name here on the blog and it will take you there 🙂



  229.  #229Mandy on March 15, 2015 at 10:44 am

    I’m going to try to have a fun Sunday with my mom.

    I so hate the panicky thing chewwing on my insides…torn between sticking up for myself and making sure I don’t lose J.

    I need the Toxic Men program so bad, but can’t afford it…is there a discount coming up soon?

    I’ll report back on my conversation with my mother. She’s insightful and she knows me so well it’s almost scary.



  230.  #230IamHis on March 20, 2015 at 7:33 am

    I have been getting triggered at work like I’ve never gotten triggered before. I feel paranoid, incompetent and not liked. I know it’s not necessarily true, but it’s like my mind and body insist on reacting that way. I keep wanting to sob, but I hold it in, and then the emotions manifest themselves as physical pain and I suddenly can’t move quickly or think logically, and both are necessary for me to do well.

    I’ve been snapped at. There is a lot of yelling and loud noises. Not angry yelling or noises…just urgent noises.

    My mind knows everything is okay, but my body and emotions Go into a full panic.

    I feel not liked because of my lower level of functioning. I feel embarrassed and shaky and scared and completely vulnerable at work. And it doesn’t feel justified. What trauma has made me like this and why is it coming up now. I heard my coworkers talking about me. Not in a gossipy or judgmental way, but in a concerned, observational way.

    It still felt icky.



  231.  #231Femininewoman on March 20, 2015 at 9:00 am

    what does it feel like to feel paranoid?



  232.  #232Victoria on March 20, 2015 at 9:36 am

    FW 231
    It feels like someone wants to hurt you and you don’t know why and are not sure are whether it is true or you are imagining it



  233.  #233Sunshine888 on April 19, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    I’m just beginning my journey ladies. Gosh it feels so vulnerable and shaky allowing a man to take the lead. What if he doesn’t? And I opened myself up to him?