We Get To Choose What We Feed

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rori with seals nycThe Question:

“Rori, I thought being vulnerable meant expressing all feelings i.e. ‘I am angry’  ‘I am sad’ ‘I am famished’ ‘I love to hear your voice before drifting off…’  – good and bad?

…is it better to only use feeling statements that are positive?  – not ‘That feels bad’ or ‘I don’t like that’ – – more like ‘Yum’ or ‘Cool’ – and not talk about WORK  – or Medical Issues  – or deep subjects like politics or the environment, or mourning a death, or missing my mother… or…”
My Answer

It’s good to say the TRUTH at ALL times – AND – the truth is many things, even in one given moment!

When you’re feeling something, look inside.

Yes, you may feel irritated, and angry and frustrated. And – if you look at a flower on your table, you’ll also feel a rush of love and appreciation for the flower, and nature, etc….

So – essentially, at any given moment, we get to CHOOSE what thoughts and feelings, among all the ones swirling in our brains and bodies, we want to ENTERTAIN.

Which we want to FEED, to acknowledge strongly, to put energy into, to express.

Choosing the good-feeling thoughts and feelings is just a choice among many – it is NOT being “inauthentic” – as long as that feeling, wherever it is inside you, feels real.

It may not be the STRONGEST feeling at the moment – but it’s still REAL.

That’s the important thing. REAL. TRUE for YOU.

And this is how we feel better, day to day – by choosing what we dwell on, entertain, feed, express…out of the many things we feel and think.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

120 Comments

  1.  #1Jacqueline on October 28, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Hi Rori,

    It is great to be able to share with you like this. I started in an your program about 3 years ago and feel so much better about myself today, it is absolutely amazing! Your tools really are awesome! Whenever I feel I make a mistake with the man I am involved with…I revert to using your tools and get back on track.

    I read one of your questions about does Robert want me in his life? I found it and your response rather interesting and thought I would ask, how can I know that he is actually doing and not just from a standpoint of what he wants? Reason I asked, he texts mostly, doesn’t make dates, invited me to his family picnic, but doesn’t call after, comes over unexpectedly, in most cases even the actions are in conflict with what he is doing and is confusing. And I don’t want to be confused, period. How best to handle this?



  2.  #2prplpsn28 on October 28, 2014 at 10:54 am

    🙂



  3.  #3Labbit on October 28, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Ohhhh I love this! This is a question I’ve thought about a LOT so thank you to whoever posed it, thank you!

    The more I’m just in the moment experiencing, being, feeling with my feminine energy the more I’ve noticed that I have given so much energy to my negative thoughts! In practicing I would sometimes get worried when I started to have a negative thought or feeling — no no go away I don’t like you! If I just hear it though without listening to it, the voice sinks back quickly and it’s replaced by nicer-feeling thoughts.

    I like hearing that we can choose. Sometimes I forget but it is so true.



  4.  #4April Rose on October 28, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Rori – are you sure the title of this post is meant to say ‘Feed’ and not ‘Feel’?

    Love, April



  5.  #5April Rose on October 28, 2014 at 11:37 am

    OOps,

    I just messaged Rori thinking she had made a typo!

    I get it – We get to choose which feelings we *feed*. Which ones we emphasise and therefore end up feeling more of.

    Sorry Rori. I thought you were saying we can choose what we feel.



  6.  #6Femininewoman on October 28, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Me too April. I thought the same thing when I read the title.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on October 28, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    prplpsn I just found the following you posted which will soon be a year ago. I encourage you to look through what you had written.

    255: prplpsn28 says:

    Not feeling very Merry right now. Not only am I sick and feeling miserable but things are not good with H. It’s been 2+ yrs together and nothing seems to be moving forward. It’s feeling more and more like a FWB then anything else and that’s not at all what I want. I’ve made that clear from the beginning and he said that’s not what it was. But I’m not so sure. So I’m leaning way back and taking myself out of the picture for a while. Not gonna see him over the holidays and just spend time with family and close friends.

    Tuesday, 24 December 2013 @ 12:10pm



  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 28, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    April Rose – Yep! It’s about choosing what thoughts and feelings among all thoughts and feelings and reactions swirling in our heads and hearts we want to “feed” (to nurture, give energy to…). We want to feel everything!!!! And after we feel it and become aware of it, and sink into the feeling, we get to choose whether or not to “feed” the direction that feeling from that THOUGHT is taking us – or go with another thought that’s leading elsewhere – to peace! Love, Rori



  9.  #9April Rose on October 28, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Rori, thank you!

    This is sooo the direction I have been wanting to take.

    It is so clear to me how thoughts feed a feeling and then I feed the direction of that story.

    Knowing that good feeling co-exist with horrible ones makes me feel fantastic and delighted.

    I do not have to suffer! I used to suffer by default.

    I choose not to feed the thoughts that lead to pain.

    I choose to feel all my feelings, and then give energy and weight to those which feel the most nourishing.

    This feels great.



  10.  #10a woman on October 29, 2014 at 1:35 am

    Rori, I’ve met a guy I really like, after a YEAR I’m finally getting over my ex! Unlike all the other men I’ve dated during this year I am really attracted to him. He is hot, handsome and a ‘nice guy’ at the same time!

    We had our first date on Sunday which felt so good and we will be seeing each other again this weekend.

    Everything seems good except for one thing- he doesn’t contact a lot. On the date he was both affectionate and little shy and we kissed. I do NOT have any doubts if he likes me- I know he does, but I’m used to having lots of texts and calls from the guys I date. The only ‘contact’ I had from him since Sunday was a text yesterday morning saying that he misses me. Maybe he has personal issues as when he asked for my number online, where we met, he said something like: ‘Can I have your number please, I promise I won’t bother you too much’… Anyway, my question is if it is OK to bring up this issue on our next date, or is it too soon?

    My feeling message script would be something like: ‘I really like you, and it would feel great if we had more contact between our dates. What do you think?’
    (any feedback on that?)

    Thank you x



  11.  #11Indigo on October 29, 2014 at 3:45 am

    a woman,

    I know you’ve asked for advice from Rori, but I hope you don’t mind me jumping in.

    I feel it is way too soon for a conversation or feeling message like that. I remember that with a good proportion of the guys I’ve dated, it took them a couple of weeks (or a little more) to “warm up” with the contact. You want to give this man time to unfold, and for things to progress organically. You wanting to say something to him so early has the flavour of pressure, and trying to influence the outcome. Let him do what he does, and if things are still the same after a month, maybe craft a feeling message.

    The point is, you are very interested in this guy and it’s causing you to focus in on him. At this early stage you should be circular dating and filling up your life with lots of other things 🙂



  12.  #12Femininewoman on October 29, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Hi “a woman”. You said you have only been on one date so there is no way for him to really know you or for you to know him. I know you asked Rori but think about it and you will realize this man is a stranger. Why would you ask him to contact you more? What about his background or family do you know? With strangers your safety should be your number one priority. Just because he said that doesn’t mean he necessarily have issues.

    You said you know he likes you.
    You said maybe he has issues.

    These statements seem like huge assumptions to me. Men go after what they want. If he likes you he likely will not need any prompting around contact. You saying you want to FM him after the first date says a lot about you. A least in my mind. I could say a lot more about that but will refrain. What I will say is relax and let things unfold.



  13.  #13CharlotteEve on October 29, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Thank you for this post Rori. I have given it careful thought, which has lead me to the below.

    I have a question that I have searched through a lot of your blog posts to try and find an answer for, but either there hasn’t been one yet, or I have misunderstood something along the way, and I wonder if you could help – I feel so stuck “feeding” the bad feelings.

    My boyfriend broke up with me 18 months ago, which wasn’t what I wanted at all. Helpfully, I was just discovering your work around that time, which did enable me to apply your Tools and get things straight about it all in my head, a lot more than I ever have in the past. He has never really left the scene as a “friend”, although we’ve had periods of no contact, instigated by me, which he always broke. We have very close mutual friends, so I found it impossible to cut him off completely.

    He still often contacts me, flirts with me, tells me how sad he feels about it all; but is plainly not willing / wanting to commit to our relationship again, either right now or ever, who knows.

    When we broke up I dated online, exercised, joined new classes, changed my appearance a bit, did a lot of self-confidence work (I had counselling and also hypnotherapy) but I still feel a lot of frustration and don’t feel I have moved on to a place of peace, which at this stage is really all I want. I hope I am not living in an “imaginary relationship” with him, I have tried VERY hard not to do that (thank you very much for that particular gem of insight), and not to over analyse every little thing he does and says (I found this very hard, but ultimately quite freeing!)

    Other men have held little to no interest, apart from making me feel very proud of myself for trying, which did give me a boost. I will continue to date as and when I can, for practice.

    So my question is, what else can I do, 18 months down the line, to let go of this completely? I am living in fear of him meeting someone else, and not looking back at me for dust, especially in front of all our mutual friends who would then have to spend time with this new girl while I am conveniently pushed out of the picture. I am longing to wake up in the morning and not miss him or worry about it all! It’s very tiring. The main issue is the frustration at MYSELF for not moving on yet; which I also know I should just accept and not let my NV take over, but HOW!!! Argh. xx



  14.  #14MovingMagic on October 29, 2014 at 7:49 am

    When the guy in my life and I initially started dating he would text me every so often.
    I recall him traveling right after our second date and he made it a point to contact me while he was traveling back to our home city.
    It wasn’t constant…but enough to let me know I was crossing his mind. That felt peaceful to me. Warm and light.
    Many months later he sends me various ♡♥ emoticons periodically throughout the day. This coming from a 38 year old man. 😉

    My point? Letting things unfold naturally/organically is very telling. I didn’t push or expect more from him. I also had a very clear understanding of my own needs and comfort level



  15.  #15MovingMagic on October 29, 2014 at 7:49 am

    When the guy in my life and I initially started dating he would text me every so often.
    I recall him traveling after our second date and he made it a point to contact me while he was traveling back to our home city.
    It wasn’t constant…but enough to let me know I was crossing his mind. That felt peaceful to me. Warm and light.
    Many months later he sends me various ♡♥ emoticons periodically throughout the day. This coming from a 38 year old man. 😉

    My point? Letting things unfold naturally/organically is very telling. I didn’t push or expect more from him. I also had a very clear understanding of my own needs and comfort level



  16.  #16a woman on October 29, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Thank you girls for your advice. Yes- I can see it’s too early- you’re right! I’m getting too excited as he is the first guy I really like after breaking up with my ex more than a year ago and finally cutting off contact just a month ago. So yeah, I must keep circular dating, even though he asked me if I’d be his girlfriend, (we are both very young and I have no intentions to get married yet) until I can see if we actually are on the same page. Maybe it’s a red flag after all, maybe he is involved with somebody else…anyway will see how things progress and unfold.
    Gosh it gets tricky when you actually really like somebody 😀 I had to drop all the other men from my CDing list (has nothing to do with this guy I like, did it before I met him) as they would pressure me having a relationship with them and I didn’t want that.
    At least must stay open and be flirty with all men everywhere:)

    P.S. every advice is appreciated, not just from Rori 😉



  17.  #17a woman on October 29, 2014 at 8:32 am

    To femininewoman: I disagree with ‘knowing his background and family’ thing though.. what does his family has to do with me wanting more contact? I would say- nothing

    It’s not that I’m crazy for hearing from him. I’m just practicing Rori’s tools and speaking the truth and I like more contact and want to see when it’s appropriate to bring it up. Even though it does seem soon it’s always a good idea to show what you want or don’t want from early stages. I never been in this situation, men would always text me like crazy neither would I care if they didn’t.
    I guess the question is how do I remain cool and keep my coolness. Yes, I know- it’s circular dating:)



  18.  #18Indigo on October 29, 2014 at 10:03 am

    a woman,

    Yes I’ve also had men who would text and call a lot right from the beginning. But some men don’t, they build up to that comfort level, and it’s worth your while to just see what they do, ie. give them a chance. You shouldn’t have to wait more than a few weeks though to get a better sense.

    I agree about speaking your truth and your feelings, and it’s a good thing, but give someone a chance to unfold first. There is a fine line between speaking your truth and pushing, and that’s what we’re all here to learn! Good luck to you!



  19.  #19Daria on October 29, 2014 at 10:41 am

    hmmm yes i use this and now i feel confused about why ever say I feel angry at all…

    and it did use to feel freeing and empowering to know its ok and Good to say that

    and i feel scared and sad feeling confused

    and i also wanto think about something else

    and tht feels funny

    i appreciate me 🙂



  20.  #20Femininewoman on October 29, 2014 at 11:51 am

    a woman I deliberately asked about his background instead of suggesting that you don’t know whether he is for real or if he is a creep or criminal. A person’s background can tell a lot about who they are and whether you have similar values.



  21.  #21Mandy on October 29, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Is there a section in Love Scripts about…hm, insecurity, or rather just like old fears creeping back up? I feel like I’ve become more fearful lately surrounding how I feel about myself and for no good reason, which is just ridiculous. It goes against all obvious logic. Ew! Very yucky. “I’m good enough, smart enough, and people like me” lol…

    It’s a good thing I see the endocrinologist on the 31st to balance out my hormone levels. It’s basically been since I had my thyroid removed, there’s this part of my heart that is crying out, sort of like help me, or get us back to where we were before the surgery, with all kinds of energy, and being on top of everything. But ya, the vulnerability is way up there today. I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to do lots of things.

    What do I feel? I feel like a lot of things are going on in my head, but I can’t figure out if they are real or not, so I just try to dismiss them as just my fears, but they keep bugging me. It could also be because my situation with J is evolving, because we’ve opened up communication so much, and we’re exploring, and it is scary. Good things can be scary too, right? Very scary? He’s done so well, and I am so proud of him. I think the last bit of freaking out on both our parts is a reaction to the relationship evolving. It’s weird, like growing pains. Scary.

    Checking in with my mental processes to see if I’m using any negative self-talk. I know I feel weird when I haven’t been consistent at the gym and/or have had a bit of “carb-creep’ in my diet. Lots of stress can do that. That, and I am backed-up on my house cleaning.

    So I guess getting back on my regular schedule, keeping busy, and positive self-talk is key there, I need to do some work, then play a little, and maybe I’ll feel on top again.

    Got some work to do, time to switch hats into the boy taking care of the girl in me, lol. That makes me giggle. It’s like I’m in a drama class and I’m playing “The guy’, lol. 🙂



  22.  #22Violette on October 29, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    The guy who contacted me off Match.com months after the fact to ask me on a date tonight, well I got a text an hour before we were supposed to meet asking to reschedule for the weekend, no reason, no nothing.

    Having AD in my life makes it real easy to not reply. But I wouldn’t anyway. What a joke.

    This happened with the last guy who adored me but I was having mixed feelings. A man showed up and I wanted him to be the answer to my problem, or give some clarity, and he just wanted to play with me. What a funny thing to have happen again. I know it’s something for me to look at, but tonight I’m too tired to look at all the things about myself I need to look at.

    Like how uncomfortable I felt with AD last time I saw him, how much his personality grated on my nerves, his nervous ticks, the way he eats, the way he repeats himself incessantly, SO MUCH STUFF! Especially that he wouldn’t stop methodically scratching his skin the whole time we were watching a movie. And he fell asleep even though he promised he wouldn’t. And I felt so awful, so triggered, so annoyed that I asked him, 3 times, to put some lotion on himself and he was being a jerk and it was awful.

    I’m rambling, I’m venting, and frankly it feels great. I make no sense tonight, I have a long way to go, and it’s wonderful because I’m going. And because I’m wonderful.



  23.  #23Andrea on October 29, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Oh Violette, you sound so much like my best friend. She was single for a long long time. She told me stories of abuse from boyfriends and husbands past. She was at peace being single.
    Then a very handsome man hit on her at a restaurant we were at. He asked for her number. He did everything right. He pursued her. He treated her with dignity and adoration. He doted on her.
    And she loved the attention, the feeling of being paired with someone, loved that he was professional and handsome and wonderful to her. But he wasn’t her ONE. She felt it to her very core.
    And little things nicked away at her. The way he chewed. That he fell asleep before she did and then was aroused in the morning. That he said a certain word too many times for her liking.
    But she stayed with him because he was simply the best man she’d ever been with and he treated her better than any man she’d ever known.
    Until finally, she just was over it. And she felt awful. She felt like she was making a huge mistake. She felt like she was being too picky. All of her other friends were telling to stick it out, that she was crazy.
    And she discussed it with me for hours upon hours upon hours. But then she had to end it with him. And he’s the one who couldn’t be “just friends” and so it was completely over.
    And it wasn’t more than a week later she told me she felt the happiest she had felt in a very long time. She said she felt free and unburdened and in the flow again.
    She’s still single but she’s just flirty and fun and happy now. Before this man she had a horrible derogatory attitude when it came to men.. as in: all men are abusers and beaters. After this man, even though he wasn’t the ONE, she knows what it feels like to actually be loved by someone. She met a man who made her feel safe again in the world, okay again in the world, beautiful again.
    So now she’s more open than she’s ever been. And feels confident in herself and in her intuition that in her own timing she listened to and acted from her own heart.
    I know, no two women are the same, but you remind me of her when you talk about AD.
    : ) I know you’ll feel your way through this.



  24.  #24Starla on October 29, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Huge huge huge pet peeve of mine is when the man is always falling asleep before me, especially when it’s not even bed time!!!



  25.  #25Starla on October 29, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    It really is true that leaning back completely is what keeps men romantically interested in you. And when you start to lean forward, even as a rockstar, the rubberband goes slack and they sorta go off radar. Even if you’re hoping to make friends out of them, and that’s why you’re leaning forward and not caring about the “rules” of attraction, they’ll still poof. It’s like they don’t know what to do with it when a woman is so friendly and social with a man.

    I am going to experiment with leaning way back from the one man who is still on the radar although only to a tiny degree and see what happens.

    But it annoys the bejeezus out of me that this is really the way of the world. I really resent that anyone should think there is something wrong with me just because i am open and forthcoming and enthusiastic. They don’t even try to do the friend thing with me when I’m like this. What, am I supposed to act too-good? Sigh…



  26.  #26lovetodance on October 29, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    still thinking about the man who drove me home and we made out….when it became clear i wasn’t going farther and he said he’d be in contact…

    i so wish i had let it go at that

    but i said…how will you do that…?

    so wish i had said okay….and then let the chips fall where they may

    instead he said oh i guess i need your number and i said are you asking for my number….oh i shudder to think of that energy i put forth….coming from old trauma i believe… and he said yes…so i went and got my card…..

    never did hear from him and i wonder if i had not leaned so forward if there would have been a better outcome for me….?

    ah the little crucial moments of time and where i am coming from….how it colors what unfolds…still learning the hard way….but learning….

    i would feel better now knowing that i just let things unfold…without pushing …of course i might be lamenting having not been more forthright in giving my number….seems sometimes i just don’t do it right no matter what….and i know that is just a nasty voice ….

    it is late…but the giants won the world series and that makes me happy…..sorry for any royals fans out there!….there’s always next year…..



  27.  #27Millie on October 29, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    I feel light and airy! I love the new voices that have been joining the conversation in my head these days!! I LOVE how I’ve been feeling and reacting or not reacting to things in my old patterns. For example….
    -I went out swing dancing Monday night, there wasn’t many girls and I was getting asked almost every dance! The dance teacher danced with me a lot also and there was this one girl there who was amazing!! He danced with her and afterwards I commented to him on what a great dancer she is. He said “yeah I think I found my new pro partner.” Now, even though I have no desire to be his pro partner, I love dancing with him, and initially took it as a bullet to mean “I’m not good enough” and “He’d rather dance with her than me.” Good ol nasty voice…but then a lovely, fresh, new voice popped up and countered it and said “so what? ” “First of all that’s not true, second of allattaching so much meaning to things is making you miserable. So don’t! Do you really NEED him to dote on you as the best dancer in this room? Who are these people anyway? Just a bunch of old locals coming here to dance that don’t care about how good you are. Who is he anyway? Does what he thinks really change you as a dancer and who you are as a person? NO.” It felt so refreshing to hear this voice pop up and snap back into place. Into a place of just being and enjoying, enjoying every touch, the music, men’s smiles at me, and not dredging so much miserable meaning into everything. I made myself so miserable before…why?!

    Second example, out of town guy called this wknd and I missed it. I texted him and hadn’t heard back. I started to feel worried about it, like I had done something wrong, then my lovely voice chimed in and said, “He’s lucky he can call you and leave a voicemail. Why are you worried what this older guy, who lives in another state, who has kids, thinks of you and your schedule? Your young, fresh, and busy living life. So, you don’t stop for him….you shouldn’t. And if he doesn’t call again, then you owe him nothing.” I love this new voice that has emerged!!!

    Friend guy has been contacted me a lot to hang out. We went to a halloween event sat night, a hayride, and he put his arm around me because it was “more comfortable” for him. His leg kept resting on my leg, but then he’d realize it and move it. I found myself screaming and curling into him, leaning into him, and thought, this feels good, but if I allow this to happen, he will want to progress things and I’m not sure I want that. It’s too bad it can’t be just this. Then I though, wait, why can’t it be just this? Why can’t I enjoy feeling his leg touch mine, and his arm around me, and curling into his shoulder when the monsters tried to whisper in my ear? Then I realized, it CAN be just that. I’m the one making it more than that. Then I relaxed, and stopped worrying, and enjoyed myself, and it was great! He’s asked me two nights in a row to go eat dessert or a cocktail with him, but I’ve been busy.

    I also started an online profile again…just to see.
    It’s taken some time, but I don’t obsess over Mechanic anymore. We text a little, but I feel like he doesn’t really want to talk to me. So instead of asking, or doing something about it, I just stop when it reaches that feeling. I don’t want to talk to someone who isn’t into the conversation. So that’s that.



  28.  #28Victoria on October 30, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Does leaning forward make him lean back? Does it, really?
    I have decided to go on a full “no leaning forward diet” for one month and see if I feel better.
    Some time ago I decided to cut out all glutent, alchohol and diet coke for a month, to see whether it would make a difference. Before that I was bloated, and had really nasty reflux at night – I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I will throw up.
    The fool restrictions have worked like a miracle to me. Mind you, this was back in august, in the first month I was perfectly strict, but ever since I have had an occasional glass of wine or beer or a slice of bread once every ten days or so (no coke at all, that was strangely enough the easiest thing to do – but I drink practically only water now). I have felt great, no bloating, not a single case of reflux.
    And, because it has been quite some time now, it has become almost a habit to stay away from gluten and achohol (not 100% habit because I still remember that it is a conscios choice of mine!).
    Anyhow, I love to overfunction. I love the acts of expressing love, giving gifts, massages, writing love letters, you name it. And, so far it has been practically impossible to accept that these are all wrong, or simply counterproductive. I still think they might be appropriate under certain circumstances, but more importantly, I FEEL different about those now, and I have decided to go on a diet, for one month, and just see how it works, and whether it will make a difference.
    I had a date with Favorite last night, and because I knew he had a long and hard day at work I felt I had an urge to buy him a muffin or a candy bar – he has a sweet tooth and is always hungry. And I asked myself, why do you want to do it, and I realized I had an urge for something sweet for myself, and I bought myself a dark chocolate bar, and ate half of it before our date, put the rest of it in my bag, did not give him anything, and ate the rest of it by myself after our date. I feel mischievous, like I ate something that was for him, and never gave it to him! I really like myself as such :-).
    So, I intend to do not lean forward AT ALL for a month and see how it goes. Just an experiment. Mind you, with my other CD, I never lean forward, but I also do not think about him at all, when he is not in front of me.
    If this goes well, I might then also try to practice leaning back more. This part actually I do not have a hard time with, because I have a reasonably busy life, so it is not difficult. But what I actually do is I vascilate between leaning back and leaning forward, I am moving too much, I want to find a confortable semi-leaned back position and just stay there for a while, I am just tired, I need some rest.



  29.  #29lovetodance on October 30, 2014 at 4:06 am

    millie 26
    how wonderful it feels to hear that beautiful voice that has grown and flourishing in you!

    ‘I feel light and airy! I love the new voices that have been joining the conversation in my head these days!! I LOVE how I’ve been feeling and reacting or not reacting to things in my old patterns.’

    i feel this rich and lovely and healthy voice is in me also… when i water it, encourage it, love it….thank you for so beautifully describing it with examples….sharing your experiences….
    i feel i learn and grow by hearing others stories and these are delicious ones!

    rock on darling sassy siren!



  30.  #30lovetodance on October 30, 2014 at 4:12 am

    victoria 27

    I feel the awareness you have about wanting something sweet yourself….instead of giving it to favorite….is so powerful….

    how often I give something that i want…..! and then all the expectations that can come along with that…

    wonderful insight perceptive siren….thank you!

    I feel a brisk reminder/wake up with your insight!



  31.  #31lovetodance on October 30, 2014 at 4:24 am

    Azure Blu!….How are you?

    thank you for checking in with me awhile back about my online ‘plunge’

    well it went how it did…not too exciting as i did it half heartedly….not sharing much about myself, not great pictures…..probably some undermining energy there because of resistance to the whole thing….I took myself offline just recently….

    i know i am working up to it….strengthening my siren-ness so to do it with as much aplomb as possible….and more healthy voices as compared to nasty voices in the process…

    in the meantime i CD in the world….meeting men where they are ….taking,leaving… and taking… what they have to offer me and my experience…..

    feeling more beautiful all the time and more in myself…even tho the self limiting/unloving self talk can still be there….

    more and more i stand and share back….and say …

    I love you, i love you all…you are not stronger than the real truth and beauty of me…..you are old worn out habitual habit thought pattern silliness that really really really wants to rest now….and i love you too!’

    soooo dear Blu….how is it going with you?



  32.  #32Rori Raye on October 30, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Charlotte – Here’s what I suggest:

    1. Cut off all contact. This has nothing to do with anything except your neurological “net,” and your hormones. Every time you see him or think about him, your hormones kick in like “glue.” No contact – until you can de-sensitize yourself to him.
    2. Hire one of my Certified Coaches (in the Directory of Coaches) or try out some of my new Trainees for FREE (and then hire them for very, very little $)- to have someone holding your hand through this. To get you online dating consistently, to get you making the most out of Circular Dating, and USING Circular Dating as therapy to let this man fade from intensity 8 to intensity 3 – that you’ll be able to live with. You can just “put him on your horse” (right behind you, in the visualization) and keep RIDING through your life!

    You can do this! Go get some help from my coaches (find the post on “Free Coaching….”) – it’s free introductory session and maximum $40/session after that until November 17th – then they can charge what they like…many of them are AWESOME!

    Love, Rori



  33.  #33Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Hi
    Feeling so angry. Just had an argument with my husband. I was telling him about my morning and a run in I had with an Ambulance beeping at me. When there was plenty of room for this vehicle to get pass me with no other vehicles around. Basically he has told me I am wrong then because I said there was plenty of room he then had a rant at me that I dont listen to him and saying its all about me. I dont feel heard. I spend so much time supporting him and listen to him moaning about his days at work and things he finds wrong with people and the world. Then when it comes to me needing to talk and needing to be heard and listened to it results in an argument. Problem being this is not the first time and now I find that I am not sharing with him as much as I used to in case it results in what happened tonight.

    Sapphire



  34.  #34Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 11:31 am

    I feel so sad as we used to spend hours talking but now its all about him talking and me listening.



  35.  #35Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 11:32 am

    I often feel just part of the furniture and not a siren at all



  36.  #36Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Also any confrontation ends up in me crying which makes him more angry. I cry when upset always have



  37.  #37Mistea1 on October 30, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    (((( Starla )))) Yes, I’m right there with you. I’m annoyed too that I can’t even joke, laugh around the guy. It takes a lot of fun for me out of even beginning the relationship. I’m thinking of writing a book or short story about this in which I get to say whatever I want and the guy laps it up.
    (((( Rori )))) Yes, you are right. I too am having to completely back off from Td. I can’t even share with him my appreciation for the piece of music he plays. So I am going to write poetry about the pieces and hopefully publish them. He can be my Muse for the time being until I get my reaction to him down to a 2 at best. With a Muse one doesn’t even have to communicate anything with them they are like a catalyst. Any comment on this? Thank you.



  38.  #38Azure Blu on October 30, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    lovetodance…
    Ahhhh… lovely to have you ask about me…

    Your “plunge” sounds brave!!
    I certainly do understand withdrawing… I was almost ready to do just that, yesterday…

    I have found POF overwhelming…. soooo many men out there and contacting me (sooo yummie to hear from them)…. BUT i have chosen 2 more guys who have contacted me (first 2 i chose I’m not really interested in) and am messaging them,,, one is tooo young,,, but ohhh so HOT! I feel VERY flattered… 10 years younger
    maybe i’ll go for it!

    loveto – CDing in the world sounds warm and happy!!
    The world is sooo lucky to have you here!! oxoxo



  39.  #39Azure Blu on October 30, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    mistrea…
    I so understand where you are…
    i listened to the Telecast yesterday (missed the actual one) all day…
    There were so many good insights… the ones that resonated with me dealt with leaning back…
    After time apart from my last CD, Spirit… I can see where I began leaning forward, wanting desperately to control the relationship… I couldn’t seem to stop myself! until I totally pushed him away…

    One of the coaches mentioned a good way to stop this leaning forward is first to catch yourself
    then visualize and meditate on how you felt, mentally and physically when you first started dating and weren’t invested (or scared) in the relationship.
    How you acted, what you thought about.
    What you did !!!
    That really resonated with me.

    Ahhhh… the power of letting go… as I was listening to some of these women and the wonderful answers the coaches gave…
    I began letting go of Spirit (I had been focusing on him in my mind…and alllll the things I missed about us)
    I just mentally and physically let go… I felt so much lighter, less anxious!

    Worked the rest of the day… met my girl frindz for happy hour and never even mentioned his name…
    Guess who textd me last nite?
    He said: “I just want you to know… I hurt too… Much love. Spirit”
    I couldn’t believe how my vibe could be felt by him…
    Of course I then proceeded to lean forward… Ugghhh!!!!
    Me: Sooo nice to hear from you… can you help me understand what you mean?
    We can’t still date?
    Him: Thanks. We’ll talk again. Ok?
    I waited till this morning to text him
    Me: Ok
    Sooo many times I’ve read women share on Siren Island how their vibe changed and immediately the man contacts them… creating the space for them to move forward…
    This will be such Great practice for me to do what Victoria mentioned… a NO leaning forward diet!!!
    Now that I have seen clearly how much of that I do!!!



  40.  #40Azure Blu on October 30, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Saphire #33
    This sounds painful… you not talking because of fear.
    You and him not feeling heard…
    you must both feel disrespected

    You shared with us that you are feeling invisible…
    Can you explore that feeling more?
    Can you give compassion and love to that feeling?



  41.  #41Emerson on October 30, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    39 Azur blue
    Wow that is interesting about spirit !!!
    Don’t be hard on yourself for leaning forward….it’s practice anyways! You did fine.
    I’ve experienced similar things when my vibe changes and I’m not leaning in with anticipation. It’s been a huge, huge step for me. In fact I posted the other day about CutecityCD canceling on me and he actually didn’t cancel… I thought he was trying to cancel because he kept moving our meeting time later and later…I thought he was backing out…
    He followed up and guess what… I did see him after all.
    And it was only after I let go of the outcome and said to myself its fine if he cancels.
    I wrote back short replies and kept it light.
    I had to flip my feelings of rejection, anger and overreacting to just staying mellow and it works.
    So we saw each other finally and he was so sweet and affectionate, gushing over me hehe…and I physically leaned back and used feeling messages “I feel shy”… cuz I really did! It was so fun to see him <3 and I have leaned back since then and not "following up" with a text or anything, he knows where to find me…
    Xoxo
    Emerson



  42.  #42Azure Blu on October 30, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Saphire…
    here is a quote from Rori… a Feeling Message…
    “I’ve noticed we’re angry a lot,
    and fighting a lot, and it feels awful.
    I don’t know what to do.
    I know there are things we’re both upset about – (money…sex…whatever’s always coming up),
    and it would feel so good to talk about it and solve some of it. 
    Can we talk?
    Is now a good time?
    What do you think?”



  43.  #43Azure Blu on October 30, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Emerson…
    Thank you for the words of encouragement!!
    He IS great to practice with… he does keep coming forward…
    I feel relaxed reading how you leaned back with Cute
    “I had to flip my feelings of rejection, anger and overreacting to just staying mellow and it works.”
    That’s right they know where to find us!!! ;->



  44.  #44Emerson on October 30, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Azure Blue…. xoxo hugs to both of us…so much growing and learning…!!!!
    sometimes when I don’t know what to say in response to a text or when a man says something, either I just stay silent or I just revert to a feeling message….

    instead of
    ….snapping into my PREVIOUS “default setting” of:
    1) overreacting 2) feeling pouty and rejected 3) shutting down with anger….

    I now try to remember to take a BREATH, and just say….
    “I feel….” …and sometimes it takes me a while to finish the sentence…but it takes the edge off and pressure off myself..and I’m still being true to me (by saying how I FEEL)…and to him as well because I’m not shutting myself down or shutting him out….
    I’ve played that script too many times….
    It crushes closeness and intimacy (the shutting out)…

    I am ready for something different.

    Even when i was with cutecityCD the other night, I started to notice myself feeling scared and AFRAID…because he started asking for my time and really expressing how he wants to spend more time with me…while hugging me so sweet and being so affectionate (((MELT)))….

    I feel comfy with him and he is very WARM spirited…and KIND…

    whether that actually materializes is another story and I’m ok with whatever happens (really I am!)….

    At any rate I realized how scared I am of crawling out of the cocoon I’ve made for myself as a single woman…

    I feel vulnerable and scared and full of potential LOVE for another person…
    Just a scary river to cross initially!!!



  45.  #45Emerson on October 30, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Rori, by the way you are looking great and I love your photo!!
    I like what you say in this post as an example of looking at a flower on a table…and it creates positive thoughts and feelings….and what we do to entertain that versus another possibly negative feeling!!
    we get to CHOOSE…..



  46.  #46Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Azure Blu
    Thank you for replying. I have tried feeling messages in the best but find it so scary and then because I am nervous it comes out all wrong. I feel that I am walking on egg shells most of the time at the moment. I know this stems from my childhood that feeling ok is tied up in others around me being ok.
    He has stayed in the bedroom all evening so not had a chance to talk and tomorrow things will be back to normal – but I dont want normal anymore – I need to feel heard. I know I overfunction in this relationship. Its strange as in all other relationships I have always been the boy energy. He is defentely the man and I need to be the women but finding that in myself can be difficult. We have been together six years and in the beginning was wonderful.

    xxx



  47.  #47Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Hi
    I loved the comment about going back to how we were in the begining of the relationship – Have to see if I can listen to the call

    x



  48.  #48Sallythatgirl on October 30, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Hello Lovlies, I just listened to the tele seminar from Monday…wonderful free information and I am really thinking of signing up for the next 3 as the support and guidance of these ladies (and you all!) is gold in moving forward to my forever man and more importantly my forever self:)



  49.  #49Sallythatgirl on October 30, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Sapphire…how about walking away? “This feels bad I need to leave. ” And then let him fix it. Get busy doing other things and taking care of you. “I feel like garbage when you raise your voice. I need to go now.” …or whatever just stop listening and engaging. It feels to me he is unaware of how he is fighting. Clue him in in a siren way. Be an invitation when he comes back but stay in your feelings and know in your heart you may have to walk away several times before he gets it…overtime he raises his voice or attacks leave…hope that helps. S



  50.  #50Sapphire on October 30, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Hello
    Thank you both for you advise.. Yes that is doable. At the moment I still feel angry which is not good for me.

    How do we get access to the call as I cant see how.

    I am off to bed now as I live in UK. Thank you ladies. I am taking my Ipod off to bed as its got Rori on there and I need to touch base with the programs.

    Have a lovely rest of your day..

    Sapphrie



  51.  #51Mistea1 on October 30, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    ((( Azure blu ))))) I was one of the callers about the cut finger. I had no idea I shouldn’t have gone there. Oh well live and learn. Also, I had no idea about how men express masculinity. That’s what I get for meditating in the desert for the last 22 years!
    It’s helpful to hear everyones issues with feminine expression and feeling messages. I have to make a 180 turn around. It’s not easy for me after expressing me as masculine energy to take care of myself all these years.
    Then Td is extremely masculine in energy too. Hmm, maybe that’s where the strong clash in our energy fields comes from strong attraction and strong masculine energy on our parts. Oh, this is helpful to me.
    (((( Saphire )))) I agree about going back to how we were at the beginning. I listened to his playing music for 5-6 weeks before I even knew who he was and was hooked the first time I heard him play. So now what I am doing is putting myself on a strict diet of no listening to either practice or regular playing and only going in for my regular scheduled events and only smiling if I should happen to see him for the next 3 weeks. I hope it helps.
    My best to you all.



  52.  #52Emerson on October 30, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Mistea1!
    I feel curious what was that about the cut finger?



  53.  #53Labbit on October 30, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    Hi ladies!

    I wanted to share some recent experiences I’ve had practicing feeling messages. Things are going great with both TenderCD and KeyCD right now…but since I’m not at the committed relationship stage with either yet I’m out there CD’ing as much as I can.

    I decided to join Tinder which is a mobile app. For anyone not familiar it’s very simple to use — you upload a few photos of yourself from your Facebook profile, then you start seeing men (or women, depending on your preference). You either swipe their photo to the right which means yes I’m interested or to the left which means no I am not interested.

    This has given me SO MUCH PRACTICE in leaning back and learning how to express myself in feeling messages! Whenever I match with someone (which means both he and I swiped each others photos right) I simply lean back and wait for him to message me. Most of the men I’ve matched with don’t message but a ton do. And then I get to practice being soft, warm, open, receiving. It’s so great! I’m learning how it FEELS when I start leaning forward. Since the initial match is based solely on looks…some men I’m admittedly more eager to talk to than others.

    If a man stops messaging me I have lots of clues to work with. Was I in masculine mode instead of feminine mode? Did I lean forward too much? Was it just not a match? Was I working too hard trying to make something happen instead of seeing where he leads me? Even if a man does blow me off it barely registers because it’s all just good practice. I am loving the opportunity to practice sharing bits of pieces of myself, keeping things a little mysterious, and flirting shamelessly but also harmlessly. It’s led to several dates and with each conversation I’m starting to see patterns of how I feel inside when I start to feel expectations, or in my head, or uncomfortable. I’m loving this! A lot of my masculine-energy dating habits have been subtle plays for control…almost hidden to me. Seeing them laid bare in writing on my cell phone screen is a little daunting but much less so then it would be with a man I was in a relationship with.



  54.  #54Mistea1 on October 30, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    ((( Emerson ))) Oh he wanted to meet with me about a proposal he asked me to do for a forum topic here. ON the day of the meeting I arrived at our meeting place and set up to do some work for a few hours thinking he would come over when ready. After 15 min he left the building and finally returned after two hours saying he had cut his finger and maybe couldn’t play the next day. He had a glove on one hand. I expressed my concern and he went to his office. I stayed another hour. Two days later I saw he was up in his office and I went up and asked how the finger was and he showed me this paper cut size mark on the top knuckle. When I mentioned this in the webinar I was told I shoudn’t have gone there or even expressed any concern at all and to make a joke of it when I first saw him. He’s supposed to take care of it himself and I can’t ask anything about it. I will say though when I went to the office he did comment he was “too busy to talk” and etc. I felt like fool and fled while he was still explaining whatever. So I am taking at least a 3 week break from this ‘drama queen’. We never did get to discuss my forum topic.



  55.  #55Emerson on October 30, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    Labbit…I feel curious about tinder…sounds interesting. I love reading about all the sirens and our journey with exploring feeling messages.
    It’s definitely something I’ve learned from Rori and it’s so powerful….
    I’ve always felt afraid of expressing my feelings until I found this blog…
    now I know it is ok to do so.

    I was also thinking about today how we have to just see what a man has to offer and then decide if that is what we want for our life and if we are able to live with it….the good and the bad….
    I ‘catch’ myself planning and plotting how I can maybe influence and change a man to suit my needs and beliefs….
    I caught myself tonight doing just that…regarding CuteCityCD….
    in reality, I need to just LEAN BACK and see if and what he has to offer and then DECIDE if it is what I want for myself.
    I realllllyyy like him and tonight working on not moving my energy his direction….
    I’m planning my awesome day tomorrow with mani/pedi and meeting a friend to study :))
    I need to wear a cute outfit so I feel flirty and comfy and CD people all day while I go about my errands!
    I love “me” days!!!



  56.  #56Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 1:38 am

    I had the surprise of my life yesterday… a very good looking guy that I used to date whom I hadn’t heard from in 7 months sent me a text message out of the blue asking how I am and wanting to get together, and then asking if I’d be interested in a friends with benefits relationship!

    I had no trouble at all saying no thanks to that, but I surprised myself in that I did not feel insulted, I actually felt quite flattered. In fact I found the whole thing extremely funny and nearly burst out into the giggles right there in my office. I told him I had no interest whatsoever in casual sex but if he wanted to take me out for drinks I was happy to be friends which he said he would like to do.

    We were supposed to go for drinks last night but he texted mid-afternoon to say he had to work late and asked if we could reschedule to tonight and I said I wasn’t free. He said he’d contact me to make a plan for the weekend, to which I did not reply.

    I have no interest or investment whatsoever, I was just flattered by the attention which made me feel all juicy and womanly, and as such it was fun to experiment with communication and with my feelings and with “yes” and “no”, as I don’t care one way or the other. Good practice! 🙂



  57.  #57Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 2:27 am

    Andrea 23,

    I really related to your story of your friend who had the perfect guy and yet he was not perfect for her.

    I have had this happen to me numerous times, a guy who is masculine, adoring, doing everything right and has a lot going for him in terms of being nice, successful and good looking, and yet it just wasn’t a fit and I felt such relief when it ended. This is very hard to explain to others as there is nothing “wrong” with these men, they just don’t get you. Conversely a man who sometimes can seem to have a number of flaws can feel perfect for you because there is a synching, a meshing, a feeling of being on the same wavelength.



  58.  #58Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 3:10 am

    Indigo,
    I liked both your posts very much, they resonate with things I have been thinking about.
    I have had a number of occasions when people from the past came out all of a sudden, invariably, it has been because they were hoping for an easy no-strings-attached s*x (no one was as honest as your guy though 🙂 and invariably I would say no and seek to gently redirect to being friendly, but as soon as they figured there is no S*x in sight, they would fade away again, and I am left with the impression that the friendly-ness was just a sweetener.
    Also, similarly to you, I do not get offended at all. I know people need s*x and I can’t judge them for looking for [ineffective :-)] ways to get it. I do not get offended that they would think that I am “that type of girl” because I am actually the type of girl who could have no-strings attached s*x when I want to. But the main point is that I would do it WHEN I WANT TO and it is extremely unreasonable to expect me to WANT TO have s*x with them if I haven’t heard from them for 6 months, or if there was never smoking hot attraction with them to begin with.
    Otherwise, I have been on the opposite end, and I am under the impression that it works slightly different for men. There was a guy from my past that I turned to a few years ago when my heart was broken by another guy. I reached out for the first guy (we had not seen each other for years and we were being just friendly in the rare contacts that we had), sparked up the friendshup/attaction and within hours we ended in bed. I did in fact tell him I am doing this with him because someone else broke my heart, and he totally did not mind. He has been offering to have s*x again on several occasions after that, and because I am a very honest person, I have told him that was one of and accidental and now I am in love with s.o. else that I no longer want to sleep with him, and he says, no problem, but if you change your mind, here I am.



  59.  #59Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 3:45 am

    Victoria,

    Yeah I agree completely – I feel that the only way I would be offended is if I had self doubt about the kind of girl that I am, which I do not. I know I am not a plaything so I have no problem at all standing up for that, and I don’t resent being asked – like you, I have also had a broken heart and been in need of company/affection/comfort and reached out in that way.

    And like you say, for me it is all about my feelings. If I had felt like taking him up on his offer I would have, but I do not. For me, I found him to be a nice guy and very good looking but the connection did not go very deep. Also I am in love with someone else and getting the best sex of my life with him, so am just not interested.

    In a funny kind of way I appreciated that he was upfront because a part of me respects people who are blunt and straight up. And it felt flattering!



  60.  #60Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 5:20 am

    @Indigo
    It is always flattering to be found sexually attractive by a very good looking man :-).
    I did never feel particularly flattered by any of the “come back” guys, most probably because none of them was a Brad Pitt 🙂
    That is, I have felt pleasantly suprised when they called, but then when they bailed out when it become clear that they will not be getting any, I remember feeling rather pissed off. I have felt pissed off at them for being clueless thinking this is how it will work out for them with me. I feel like they thought I was underserving of the effort for them to court me in a more consistent and convincing manner. I guess I need to see a man try really hard in order to feel good giving myself to him. I need it as a kind of foreplay :-). Also, I have been thinking that if a really really good looking guy hits on me, I might go for it just for the experience… Never happened, unfortunately. Most men that hit on me I do not find to be extremely good-looking, they are usually in the average/accetable range. The best looking men I have met have been most of the time 1)gay or 2)deeply involved (married or crazy in love) with a woman who seems to be much less goodlooking than them, or 3)really shallow, the type where attractiveness fades away the moment they open their mouth.
    The exception to the rule is my Favorite CD whom I find to be truly good looking and who would actually be stunning if he lost a bit of weight. Damn, I am so crazy for him. The no-leaning forward diet is really hard, and it is only day 3!



  61.  #61Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 5:36 am

    @ Azure Blu 39.
    I feel upset that Spirit texted you this after what has been – what – two weeks of silence? I want to strangle him for the pain that he has put you through, and at the same time I realize it is strange that I am so triggered – it must be bringing out my own emotions from similar circumstances which I have stuffed down.
    Yet I am grateful that you are giving me another confirmation that this is how it works: you have to give them the space, and then when you are ready to go on with your life, they come back and seek you out.
    This is another reminder that my focus needs to be ME ME ME.
    It is tough though.



  62.  #62Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 5:43 am

    @ Azure Blue
    Another thing, I was reading something about leadership a while ago, and it said there that one of the distinctive qualities of (business) leaders have a was a higher tolerance for ambiguity.
    I think this is something I am missing and I have been working to develop that.
    But it goes against my natural instinct which would be to be straightforward and responsive giving clear yes/no replies.
    I wish I could be a bit more reserved, a bit more mysterious.
    Again, I need to work on myself. Why can’t I just be perfect and need no further work?



  63.  #63Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Victoria,

    Yeah this guy is in the movie star boyish/yet rugged range of good looks, a nice guy, not a player yet at the same time not very deep. He is one of those guys who falls more into the category of a bit clueless/needing to mature. I had fun during the brief period that we dated and when I ran into him out at night a couple of times afterwards, but never took him very seriously. For some reason I could never take anything he said or did as a personal reflection on me, he is more someone I have always just brushed off as fun and nothing more, so I’d be friends and that’s it. I get what you are saying about a man needing to put in a great deal of effort before you would give yourself to him. I have never been the casual sex type, and especially since having sex with D, which is so warm and gentle and connected, I am pretty sure I never could be.

    Your post gave me a bit of a giggle. I have always imagined my future “the one” man as not being strikingly good looking in the traditional sense, but more being someone whose quirks I found attractive, and whose looks were appealing to me personally.



  64.  #64Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 7:09 am

    @ Indigo 62
    Yes, me too, but when I look again at it, it is funny that we do not expect/require our forever men to be very good looking.
    By the way, there is something strange that I discovered: there have been occasions when I date someone whom I consider average/acceptable, and then I hear from a friend or stranger that this guy is so good looking and then i start to wonder what is wrong with me.
    About Favorite, at first I thought he is simply o.k. and that I am mostly attracted to his personality. But then I showed a picture of him to a female friend and she said “this guy is so good looking that he must be a player” and then I looked more closely and realized, damn, he is tall dark and handsome, the proverbial male, and he has these shining white brilliant teeth, and I was like, I am so stupid, he is damn super attractive. Has anything like that happened to you?



  65.  #65Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Victoria,

    I think I know what you mean. When I am in love with someone, it is their heart, their spirit that I see, not their looks. I am in a state of not caring less what other people think of his looks or whether he is considered “conventionally” good looking because I am looking at him with the eyes of love. I remember when D and I first started dating being so magnetically drawn to what was inside him, that it actually probably took me a few years to register that he was conventionally good looking. He’s 6’3 with soft dark hair and Labrador eyes and the square jaw line. He also has money and drives a smart sports car and women are attracted to him but it took me ages to see all that. I wouldn’t have cared what he looked like or whether he had two cents to rub together. I don’t know, for me all that stuff doesn’t really mean anything when you have a heart connection with someone.



  66.  #66Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 8:20 am

    ((((Saphire)))) #50
    Here is a link to the telesiminar
    http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=61284477

    I have found it EXtremely helpful to take advantage of the Free coaching from many RR coaches…that is available now…
    It has helped me move forward sooo quickly….
    Sooo nice to have a kind, warm woman guiding me on my journey…
    oxoxo



  67.  #67Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Indigo,
    D. sounds like WOW.
    Favorite is 6 feet tall, and has a pretty face (amazing teeth) and wonderful thick black hair – like the fur on a wolf. He is slightly overweight meaning he is big and cuddly and I absolutely love this about him.
    I am a fitness maniac (exercising 5-6 days a week) and he is very insecure about his body because of that… I also make more money than him, and that eats at him as well.
    However, it is not at all the things he is insecure about that give me doubts whether he is my forever man. What bothers me is that he is very girly (beta) in some ways (professionally for one thing, but also in relating to people), and, as I have said before, I am struggling to outgirl him and to stop myself from overfunctioning. So, I keep CD-ing.



  68.  #68Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Indigo,
    as I am in riffing/complaining mode, he is not very smart… I wish he was smarter, I wish I could be smitten by how smart he is, but he is not…
    When he says something stupid or factually wrong I bite my tongue… It is a struggle, but I want him in my life so I would never dare to criticize him or insult him or correct him… But I wish it was different.



  69.  #69Femininewoman on October 31, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Hi Azure. I understand that for each coach we can get one free session. Am I correct?



  70.  #70Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Mistea #51
    Hugggs darling Siren…
    Ohhh… you were soooo BRAVE to be vulnerable and share your story during the Telecast…
    It was VERY inspirational for me… throughr your story I could so see how I was leaning forward with spirit and really all my relationships…
    Thank you!!



  71.  #71Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 9:31 am

    FW… yes… didn’t mean to missrepresent
    I free coaching session per coach… and they offer GREAT affordable packages after that…
    :->



  72.  #72Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Indigo…
    Wow!!! D sounds VERY hot!!! :-))



  73.  #73Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 9:49 am

    ((((Victoria #60))))
    Thank you for your concern… it feels like a big sister beating off the bullies!!! Love this… :~>

    Yes… this is what i have learned from the RR tools this blog and also from life…
    For ME….it’s not just the man that needs/takes space and time… it’s ME also…
    I had gotten soooo overwhelmed with the emotional intimacy (my tolerance is low for that)
    by the time Spirit said he needed space I did too…
    Although it felt to me like it was ONLY him…
    I had started doing things to subconsciously push him away…
    I most definitely need to STOP focusing on HIM
    and Focus on ME…
    I realized alll of the LOVE and Compassion I needed to give ME…
    and of course… one of the other reasons we stopped seeing each other is because of VERY different religious beliefs…



  74.  #74Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 9:57 am

    P.S. I have also seen, with the help of my RR coach Natalina… how I want to CONTROL and Manage the relationship, the closer and more invested I become…
    Such a Wonderful (but very ugly to see also) thing to realize so I can begin lovingly and compassionately changing this…
    That’s how cool the CDing works… I thought I wasn’t doing this anymore…
    Yes… I am VERY human and letting go of Spirit is heartbreaking. and sad and painful…
    I sooo wanted to believe he was my Mr. Right…
    but I am staying curious and open… and moving forward with my CDing on POF!!



  75.  #75Indigo on October 31, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Azure Blu,

    🙂 D is hot but he doesn’t really seem to realize it, which is great.

    It is so nice to have you back on the blog, you were missed.

    As you talk about how you too require space and shy away from too much emotional intimacy, I found myself resonating with this. I get easily overwhelmed by what I sense most men require from me.

    Have you thought about considering what it is you really want from a man and a relationship, not just what qualities he would possess, but also what would make you feel safe to start opening up as the relationship progresses? Have you thought about pace of the relationship and possibly a man with whom the pace would feel slower and gentler? Maybe a man who doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, but also opens up more carefully?



  76.  #76Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Indigo…
    Awww… I feel warm and cared for to read that you missed me… thank you so much!!!

    That’s the best kind of handsome… the ones that don’t realize it… :->

    Yes,,, you are right about considering what I really want in my Mr. Right.. Spirit has many of those qualities… kind hearted… warm… funny… playful….honesty… sophisticated but NOT arrogant….
    but he doesn’t seem to have much time for a relationship which is very important to me…
    Sooo… as I continue on MY life journey… learning and evolving into the person who will attract the quality Man I do require!!
    Sooo many men… sooo little time!!! :0)



  77.  #77Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Ohhh… Indigo…
    you said NOT qualities…
    meaning the Pace that I require… yes…
    What I do realize from my last 2 cds in which I got very close… most men I have dated get sooo frisky and excited… I can see it is best for me to not be sooo available… I want to decide that once or 2 times a week is fine… (actually that is how much Spirit and I were seeing each other)… I want to continue learning to listen to my feelings and expressing them in a kind and warm way… I think if I can listen carefully to ME it will make a huge difference in maintaining intimacy… also my intimacy muscles are growing bigger soooo THAT’s Wonderful!!



  78.  #78Azure Blu on October 31, 2014 at 10:52 am

    AND I had started leaning way forward in the end with Spirit… Instead of letting HIM lead… I started planning dates
    as he got overwhelmed… i pushed for MORE…
    We had only been seeing each other 2 months…
    The “I love You” almost immediately, threw me… I hadn’t heard that from a man in many years!!! I got excited and thought that meant he was ready for more…



  79.  #79Victoria on October 31, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Sisters,
    I need to ask you what you think. He said he loved me early on, he said he wants to spend his life with me too soon and then i took it all literally and i started massive ovefunctioning – paid for vacations and stuff for us to do together… Thinkgs he could not have afforderd.
    I am afraid i have emasculated him doing this but it has been done. He sais he wants to make sure when i am with him i get the lifestyly i deserve and that he is thinking how he can give it to me. The thing is , i dont think he will ever be able to, we are at an age when it is clear who can do what. I want to have him in my life and i dont want him to worry about what he can do and what he can do for me… But i am so scared i will emasculate him further…



  80.  #80Mistea1 on October 31, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    ((((( azure blu 69))))) Awww, (Mistea 1 digs her toe into the floor and turning a bit sideways ) Thanks for your kind words. I am a unique combination of all the wrong things for relationships I guess. A nurse, mother, and lots of ‘boy’ energy. What a 180 degree turnaround I must do. I am very curious to learn more though. It keeps life interesting to do these things.
    However, I’ve completely cut off all contact. I am not going to church for the next month. I have one obligation and I will leave right after I am done playing though. I am so completely sensitized to the music that I can’t think straight while it’s being played. I hope a month is enough.
    Then on 11-16 is another recital and during his introductory remarks I will do the looking and appreciating technique which I thoroughly enjoyed the first time I tried it. Otherwise I will not approach.
    I am off this week with my brother to visit relatives up north. I intend on practicing the leaning back and feeling statements and the dance posture with any non relative. See you all later.



  81.  #81Emerson on October 31, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    one thing that helps me feel soft and feminine is listening to sensual music…this could be any music that makes me feel sensual in that moment…I listen to it in my car and apparently it works because whenever I do it, there are a couple of male coworkers that are drawn to me like a magnet….
    and say things like “what is different about you” and “did you change something? I can’t put my finger on it…” and I just smile warmly and remain open and say a feeling message like oh the rain is making me feel so cozy…maybe thats it…haha giggle…and they have a warmth in their eyes an we have a connection even if it’s not a love interest…it’s very cute and just feeds my feeling of femininity and sensuality,,,,
    Ive been allowing myself to feel more sensual lately, not being afraid of it, and I know it shows…
    I love the attention from the male coworkers because it’s great practice for me…
    It is time for me to practice remaining soft and open, even practicing the open palms and dance position….it’s so amazing…it’s also challenging to stand in that position…it really DOES feel open and vulnerable!!!!
    and men love it….
    All the while I’m being totally authentic and being me….some days I”m not even wearing hardly any makeup, and I get the same reaction!!
    Music is helpful for me to feel this way…
    I link it to Rori’s tools…

    I haven’t leaned forward and texted CuteCityCD even though I’ve been so tempted to do so…
    We had an amazing connection the other night when we met, no sex but very lovely kissing and a lot of talking and feeling intimate and close…I feel so hot with him and I also feel safe and happy like I could spend every day with him and enjoy his company…
    I haven’t felt that way in so long…
    I definitely don’t feel that way with Recycled anymore because of all the baggage and heartache….
    I have not entertained his attempts to contact me…
    It’s good to start fresh…
    I feel open to meet more people not just CuteCIty…I don’t want him to feel a fly paper vibe coming from me….I want to be a soft sandy beach!! 🙂



  82.  #82Lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 2:04 am

    Magic cd
    Figuring out how to keep him at bay
    Boy energy strategizi
    Wanting to control outcome
    Fear of intimacy
    Not wanting to Hirt him
    Over functioning
    Too concerned about his feelings. What about mine?????
    Avoiding him so don’t have to deal with this
    Perceive him as together on spiritual lane
    But totally untogether on the wordlly one
    Just makes me feel tired. I am hiding from him so I can just avoid it all
    Feeling how men have disappeared from me and don@t want to do the same to him
    Don’t want to be responsible for his feelings. Just want to take care of mine
    Feeling confused. Takes all the fun out of it. Rather just avoid him
    Sweet man
    In big transition
    Turns me off
    Don ‘t want to get involved in such a transition
    Don’t want to be rejecting. So much feeling thought on my part. Yuk yuk yuk
    Just don’t wanna deal with this!



  83.  #83Azure Blu on November 1, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Ahhhh Emerson… #80
    I feel excited reading about the reaction you get from listening to your music!!!
    It feels soooo magical to watch the RR tools work on us with others…

    I just had that happen last night…
    with Spirit (he asked me to meet him at our fav pub)
    We were talking, he was sharing how much he thinks about me… what an amazing connection he thinks we have…
    as I was listening I relaxed my body…
    looked at his eyes and unzippered my heart…
    He Immediately said… “Did you feel that?”
    “I felt this amazing closeness with you right NOW!!”
    “You see, Azure, That is what I mean… You make ME feel understood!!!”
    Zing, Zappp Zaowiiiie!!!
    Magical…



  84.  #84Azure Blu on November 1, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Victoria #78
    Huggssss darling Siren,

    Rori says… this is ALLL practice… My humble opinion is… YOU have not done anything wrong…
    Mistea 1 and I are practicing the leaning WAY back…

    I undersood how to start doing this from the recent telesiminar that Rori’s coaches gave…
    http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=61284477

    Sooo Excellent!
    Listen to the whole thing… it gets better after the first few minutes…
    I hope this helps…
    oxoxo



  85.  #85Rori Raye on November 1, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Love To Dance – You’re in the right place! We’ll all help you with this “Intimacy” Dance – you learn about yourself and about men through Circular Dating. If you’d like, take advantage of my Rori Raye Coach Training Trainees – They’re free (each!) for one session, then $40 max thereafter – here’s the page: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/free-coaching-with-my-new-rori-raye-coach-trainees/

    Love, Rori



  86.  #86Mistea1 on November 1, 2014 at 10:15 am

    ((((( Victoria and Azure blu )))) Wow, I’ve leaned so far back that I finally saw the hunky firefighter who’s been trying to get my attention for awhile now. This has great promise and will slake my regret for having to lean so far back from Td. Feeling message: How about “I feel so hot when I think of firefighters.” I need more practice right? Any suggestions will be helpful. Good looks, muscles, and a community hero, what’s not to like? Thanks a bunch to all the sirens, I appreciate you all.



  87.  #87Mistea1 on November 1, 2014 at 10:24 am

    (((( Azure blu))) #82. I hope I have as much good luck after my month of leaning back as you had there. Thanks for the description of what happened. This will be my guide for the end of my month. Thanks



  88.  #88Victoria on November 1, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Azure,
    Thank you, so are so good!
    You are so sweet!
    I feel scared here… I will like a hypichondriac reading a medical journal… I recognize myself in each siren here… And i am like, whoa, i am making the same (ok i dont want to use the terrible word mustakes) ok better i am having the same experience i feel like i have written almost the whole blog myself. It is like i am talking to myself in different voices and i am not allowed to judge or be judged which is both wonderful and scary.
    Except i have not met a sexy firefighter. Yet.



  89.  #89Liquid Light on November 1, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    here’s what I’ve got going on/random stuff

    a new guy at work (younger than me) was being flirty and seemed a bit smitten. I wasn’t at all interested and just ignored him. But then I had to turn to him to help me with an urgent project and I realized how nice he was. I sorta started to notice him a little in “that way” and he started to be very business like towards me. I was a bit disappointed initially, but then totally turned off myself and my interest fizzled. Wow, I kinda like that I’m finding that ability to turn my interest on and off like that.

    A guy that I had gone on a few dates with a few months ago (and who was very newly separated) has sorta reappeared. We had awesome chemistry that sizzled when we kissed which we did twice. My interest fizzled though when I hadn’t heard from him. But since I’m new to the area, and we both have an interest in biking, I decided to see if he would want to go bike riding. In my mind just as friends and being totally fine about that. He texted me back that his back has been out so no bike riding but suggested we get a glass o wine sometime. Interesting. Little nervous about doing that because of the combination of alcohol and chemistry and what could happen.

    Another guy that I went out with a couple weeks ago (and whom I found to be very boring because he just seemed like he was trying to be so “nice”) and said he wanted to go out for dinner after he got back from his weekend trip last weekend. I hadn’t heard from him so figured he had lost interest. But then he texted me and it turns out that he got into a bad motorcycle accident over the weekend and was in the hospital! So awful and what a strange twist. Poor guy. He says he wants to get together when he’s out of the hospital and feeling better.

    Besides this, I’m continuously stressed out and exhausted from my new job, and hardly feel like I have the energy, interest or time to date.

    I finally have a day to myself at home to take care of things here and it feels great! My ability to love being by myself like this really makes me wonder sometimes if I’m even capable or deep down if I even want to be in a relationship. That thought depresses me because I don’t want to be alone.



  90.  #90lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    i have such a thing about being ‘rejected’ ‘not chosen’, ‘shined on’ or whatever one calls it ….that i would rather be rejected than reject someone else….it is old old old…maybe cuzz i am a sensitive piseces or maybe cuz i was always spose to make sure everybody was alright….

    goodness….what alot of baggage to carry….

    so i will avoid this man because he is a pisces also and i just don’t want to make him feel bad bout not wanting to be available to him….and for good reason…i just wish i had more available to me in terms of response to him….like

    ‘yes you are attractive and i feel flattered but i am simplifying my life now and not much room to get to know someone…’….oh gosh…so heavy and not the truth….when do we tell the truth…how do i tell the truth and not be hurtful?

    he is deep and perceptive and very ungrounded in the sense of worldly reality….

    oh to be just light hearted…..

    this is what i do….i get all twisted up like a pretzel

    its just so not fun….takes the fun out of openign up to a man….geesch…i keep them away cuz it gets so complicated sooooooo fast….yet if someone came close with more of what felt good to me…i know i wouldn’t be this twisted up i don’t think…nervous yes….

    this might be some slice of internal life or the protoplasm of some kinda dance i do with all of them [ them… the men] to keep them at bay….except for the bad boys….cuz i know they will keep themselves at bay…..just close enuf to get me all smoldery…..

    oh boy….ha ha…oh boy is right….
    yes i am riffing…yes i need coaching…



  91.  #91lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    azure blu….

    you go girl….you go sireney siren…yay for you….riding your horse soooooo welll!



  92.  #92lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    LL 88

    love hearing about being able to turn off your interest at will….um hum….like really taking care of yourself and your self interest….

    like it!



  93.  #93lovetodance on November 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    victoria 87

    you made me laugh…
    ‘like a hypocrondriac reading a medical journa!’

    yeah i so get what you mean….

    and we are all so beautifullly human …..

    i feel how beautifully you nailed the irony and perplexity and complexity of this process…uh huh uh huh uh huh



  94.  #94Mistea1 on November 1, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    ((( Victoria )))) Well, we’ll see how the sexy firefighter does in real time. Looks promising so far! And just in time for my 1 month break from Td.



  95.  #95Victoria on November 2, 2014 at 1:01 am

    Girls,
    You are so amazing.
    Mind you, i can not lean back. I just cant, i am so crazy about him. The big goal for me is to not lean forward.
    Easy Victoria, one step at a time.



  96.  #96Violette on November 2, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Thank you to Andrea and Azure Blue and Sophie and Lovetodance for commenting on previous things I posted. I feel bad I haven’t acknowledged your kind words. I really have loved reading them. I just feel so overwhelmed by the time I get to posting that I don’t seem to have room in my mind for anything but the feelings!

    Spent the weekend with AD. So overwhelmed. I feel like I’m getting lost in him. I’ve been managing to a degree to find peace with the things I don’t like about him and enjoy his doting and holding me and spoiling me and being fun and doing fun things with me. And it was and he did. But there is so much that bothers me and…it just feels unnatural talking to him. He loves our conversations…today he told me he reads fluently in a certain language but doesn’t understand the words, only has it memorized. I laid into him…or at least scolded him. He is 49 years old and doesn’t understand that when you read a language fluently it means you understand it. He therefor does not read it fluently.

    Is he really stupid or something? I could tell he felt stupid when I corrected him, with feeling, but he should feel stupid. I feel almost fed up here.

    In the car the driver told him he looked like an older man but sounded like an adolescent. He meant it as a nice thing…but it’s true. AD sounds like a boy when he talks. And he doesn’t know anything!!!

    And he makes tons of money in a creative field, and went to a good college and a good highschool. I’m dumbfounded here. He seems interested in the arts and literature, but he hasn’t heard of anything. It’s exhausting.

    Whoa. I really need to be away from him for a few days. VENTING! It feels good right now to vent.



  97.  #97Mistea1 on November 3, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Well, time for my vent. I got through the first weekend of leaning back. I kept busy. Rori mentioned not to accept bad behavior. I told him my wild horses story earlier that week and within minutes he attempted to use it against me. I acknowledge that, no blame, no anger, just sympathy and still don’t have to take it. Last Fri am (3 days ago) he made discordant sounds during our meditation group meeting. Truthfully it was kind of funny that he thought to do that. He was trying to attack me in a way. I don’t accept that behavior, very adolescent behavior at that and he’s nowhere close to being as young as 49. Plus, others in our group were bothered by it too.
    I can accept not seeing him but the music is a different matter. I am literally riveted to the spot when he begins to play. If I am talking to someone and he starts to play my mouth opens and nothing comes out to even finish the sentence. How embarrassing. So none of his music for me for the entire month. I do however, go to other events and listen to the radio. Bach and Mozart are particularly grounding for me. How can my love of music derail me in such away? My body, mind, heart and soul need music to live. I’ve always felt such great sustenance from music. This time was so different it felt like direct intravenous drip into my system. Poetry forms when I listen etc.etc.. Blah, blah, blah…. and on and on I could go. thanks for letting me vent.



  98.  #98Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Liquid L #88
    Soooo nice to hear from YOU!!! :->

    Wow… i feel happy hearing about all your CDing
    and the lovely rythmic, flowing way you describe your interactions with them…

    How nice to take Sunday and take loving, gentle care of YOU after a week of hard work!!!
    Huggss lovely lady!



  99.  #99Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Mistea1…
    Wow!!! Lovely Siren… YOU are sounding sooo great with your leaning back!
    inspiring to ME!

    You observing Musix cd and the qualities you are finding NOT as endearing…

    How is the FireF cd?



  100.  #100Mistea1 on November 3, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Azure Blu
    Well, that could be a fly in the ointment of not going to services where Td (music) is playing. FF also goes to those services! The only other time I see him is at the meditation group. Oh well, the music desensitzation is paramount right now. I appreciate your inquires.



  101.  #101Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Viollette #95…
    When I read what you have shared about AD…
    I feel very confused…
    You sound confused…

    Do you think he has sustained a closed head injury…
    has he ever mentioned an accident or anything?

    My ex… childrens father… had an undiagnosed close head injury
    I always thought something was Oddd about him… something was off… BUT he had learned to cover it soo welll… also VERY handsome and charming…
    But couldn’t put my finger on it…
    He was raised in Argentina… in a very affluent family..
    They had a large courtyard that connected 2 homes…
    When he was 10 he took some VERY high explosives…
    lit them and it blew up all the windows, his face,
    took a finger off, he had glass throughout his body… hearing loss
    Now they have more information about closed head injuries… I have read about and alll makes more since…
    It was my son that actually pointed out that
    anyone standing THAT close to that kind of explosives couldn’t help but have the brain hit against the skull multiple times… NOT good….
    Just my thoughts…



  102.  #102just me on November 15, 2014 at 4:43 am

    dear ladies,

    i m asking for your help, well because i feel desperate, i admit it…recently i met a guy and the conversations went very well, i used feeling messages and he got really hooked on me…than he suggested we go on vacation together and everything was perfect, the way he behaved, the way he took care of me and especially the way he made me feel. it felt so great…anyway after 10 days we had to leave and he went back to athens and i got home. i told him that especially if we have a distance relationship for now i ll date other men and he responded very well, mature. he was ok with it. before he proposed we research a place to move somewhere together. and after he got home he was very sweet, a bit insecure, asking me questions all the time, if i will find someone like him and it felt to me that he cares and he s concerned.and every time i loged into facebook i would find messages from him. and suddenly after a few weeks everything changed…he started writing me less and less. he didn t say that me misses me anymore, we didn t have the same sweet talks…and every time we spoke he sounded very depressed because of his love life and he sees the world we live in very bad. anyway…i don t know what to do to make him again the loving caring for me man…i don t know how to aproach him, what to say to bring him closer. i may have done some mistakes by telling him all the time that i miss him and once i complained about him ignoring me…i got insicure and felt bad because i wasn t receveing the same attention from him. i asked he sais that he didn t find another girl but he s spoiled by other women which made me feel very bad…anyway i would really apreciate a piece of advice from anyone…i don t know what to do to make him the caring man again, how to make him interested in me again. please help

    with love and blessings from romania,
    just me



  103.  #103Rori Raye on November 16, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Just me – this is a case for personal coaching – try my newly trained coaches for free…Love, Rori



  104.  #104just me on November 23, 2014 at 6:48 am

    thank you Rori for your response, i really appreciate it,

    please advise me, where and how can i contact this personal coaches

    tnakk you in advance,
    blessings , Andrea ( just me )



  105.  #105Jamee Light on November 30, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Victoria #79
    Victoria – I can really relate…been there, done that and working to not.

    I think it is hard for all of us doers to lean back and not want to give. But I have really noticed in any of my relationships with men, I have to continually evaluate if I am leaning forward – in tiny, tiny interactions. If I keep it in mind I really notice the difference – rolling over towards them in bed, picking up around their house, gushing forth with loving statements when they haven’t come forth first. If I allow the space for them to do the giving it works out much better for me. It really is a new training, like any other training – hard at first but easier as I go along. Paying for something, I feel, makes a man feel more masculine. My present more significant partner has been out of work for 2 years…we stay home a lot, do simple fun things like cooking together – can be very sexy (:-), go for walks a lot, but I do not offer to pay at all. He is a very proud person, and I can feel he likes to know I feel his masculinity when he pays. I always, always say thank you when he does, always, always say thank you when he opens the car door or any other door. I am right there with you trying to own these tools, but they really do work when I can use them.
    If you want to talk about this or anything else, I’m available to do so…

    Jamee
    Rori Raye Certified Coach
    jamee@coachingbyjameelight.com
    Your Time For Love
    Jamee



  106.  #106Rori Raye on December 3, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Jamee – Hi! All – This is Jamee Light – she has a great way about her – so kind, compassionate – she really, really LISTENS and HEARS you …I know I always feel heard when I talk with her…She’s doing a Teleclass on Dec. 11th…check her out at http://www.CoachingByJameeLight.com
    OH! and Pick up her “Musical Chairs Dating” report and let me know what you think…I think it’s a VERY cool take on Circular Dating…

    Love, Rori



  107.  #107Victoria on December 4, 2014 at 12:12 am

    Jamie,
    thank you so much for replying. This is an older post of mine – more than 2 weeks old, and ever since I have changed. I leaned back, and still am, and it feels so much better, and he has come forward.
    He is a very proud person too. Mind you, he has a good job, one which I deeply admire. It is just that I make much more money than him – which is a combination of me having had the chance to have very good education, being extremely ambitious (which he is not – he is kind of laid back and more in the underachiver team) and just a little bit of luck on my part.
    I have kind of come to terms that whomever I date will likely have less money than me. Part of it is just statistics, and part of it is that I am really not attracted to rich guys, for one reason or another, but mostly because of their attitude.
    But I see now that when I lean back, and stop overfunctioning, I allow him the space to come to me and give to me. It is so much better. So much better.



  108.  #108Jamee on December 4, 2014 at 2:11 am

    Victoria-

    It sounds like you’re on your way. I’m really happy for you.

    I also notice, and keep getting lessons on it to reinforce it, that it is or can be extremely subtle – the fine feeling level of men I am with can be triggered with my old doership habits easily. For me, it is a continual reminding- to -myself practice and I’m glad I get to share in your and others experiences showing me how powerful a tool it is to lean back, and figuratively put tape on my mouth sometimes or stop myself from moving towards.

    I’m glad it is getting easier for you…

    Lots of love,
    Jamee



  109.  #109Gear on December 4, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Rori,

    This is an interesting post. As I practice more, I have a dilemma. When I CD, do I tell express my feelings all the time? Or only practice expressing all feelings until we are healed. Then would be like you suggested in your post, choose to express/give energy to/feed/dwell on the “positive” feelings?

    I know I am getting a little brainy here. (



  110.  #110Gear on December 4, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Rori,

    This is an interesting post. As I practice more, I have a dilemma. When I CD, do I tell express my feelings all the time? Or only practice expressing all feelings until we are healed. Then would be like you suggested in your post, choose to express/give energy to/feed/dwell on the “positive” feelings?

    I know I am getting a little brainy here. 🙂 here is my case, I just met a guy on line (in last 24 hours) he write me an very nice message this morning. I looked up his profile, and his message, here was my reply tonight. “Your message feels straightforward and sincere. I like the way it feels. It would feel great to get to know you more.”

    After sending the message, I felt I could have said like this : “…I feel intrigued to get to know you more.” So say, “I feel so excited to get to know you more.” …
    Maybe I should not show how excited I was? As that was still an imaginary relationship, fall for the potential…

    But I am trying to find a balance between expressing too much immature emotions (out of imaginary relationship before it fully unfolds) and expressing too little / unenthusiastic about him.

    Yes, it was true, I felt excited seeing his message, very straight forward about his intention and his goals and who he is,,,and I felt intrigued, but I also felt it unhealthy, as I was losing peace, and may even cause me anxiety if I let it continue… Yes, I caught myself right there, and shifted my thoughts…

    Anyone has similar experience, what is the best way to find that balance?



  111.  #111Gear on December 6, 2014 at 10:09 am

    I feel so good practicing all the TOOLs I learned from Rori’s programs. Even though only 5 weeks into it, I found I express less and less negative feelings, as I feel less and less negative feelings; in the mean time, more neutral and positive feelings. (I mean the percentage.) I am not that easily triggered!! Yee hoo!!!
    I went to a speed dating last night, I felt so open, so calm, so curious, so compassionate, yet stayed within my boundareis.

    This morning I replied a couple of emails from a couple of dating website. I was contacted by a gentleman who was 20 years older, if in the past, I would have been triggered big time, no matter who he is. Would just block him and not replying anything. This time, I paused for a minute, I thought about what Rori said what CD is about. I searched my feeling for a moment and replied as this, “I feel good when contacted by a gentleman while at the same time I feel indifferent.”
    He got the message, without me saying anything more. His replied with some nice words and I know he won’t bother me any more.

    Another gentleman also replied after I had said that I was not interested in long distance. I searched my feelings, after engaged my heart, replied as below, “I feel relieved while at the same time I feel grateful for your kind gesture and invitation.”

    I feel and express more and more positive feelings that I experience. And I feel I flirt more, come out naturally.

    I feel so excited about the growth I have been experience since I started Rori’s ebook and programs… So grateful and so hopeful, I feel like I had a breakthrough. I am making genuine connection with other human beings without judgment, or whatsoever… even this weekend, I feel I am much more competent in that than last weekend. It feels amazing.



  112.  #112Sara on December 11, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    I love these concepts and the tools that are discussed, but I am confused. Maybe I am not understanding or have missed the answer somewhere, but it seems they don’t apply to my situation. Basically I have been in a relationship off and on for a couple of years. He is a great boyfriend in the fact that he spends a lot of time with me, plans fun trips and activities, never forgets a birthday, calls when he says he will, etc. He talks marriage and wants to plan a life together. There are two main issues that I have, that have me dragging my feet when it comes to marriage. He has broken my trust several times, always involving other women, never caught him cheating, but inappropriate texts to exes, pictures, etc. The other issue is, he says I don’t fulfill his needs. This is where I am most confused. He would like me to fix him dinner weekly and do other things that would make his life run smoother, clean his room, etc. I fight back and say we are both working full time and when we get married household roles can be adjusted (we do not live together). But he tells me I take the relationship for granted, that I don’t know how to be in a relationship, what it takes to make one work and that I am selfish and not a very good girlfriend. It seems like he actually WANTS and NEEDS me to “do the rowing” as Rori puts it. He feels like he is the only one that invests. That is where the confusion and frustration come in. I am so invested and I feel like we both contribute. I spend time with him, do little acts of service, call when I say I will, invest time, plan fun outings, but to him it is “not equal”. I don’t know if I am being manipulated or if I honestly don’t know how to be in a relationship (he is my first one) and “contribute” as he puts it. I have told him I am pushing back because I am starting to feel resentment toward him every time he mentions me not cooking for him. It just feels like a control issue… He says I choose to feel that way and if I would just serve more, I would be amazed at how much our relationship would grow. He said he could choose to feel resentment every time he serves me but he doesn’t… which does make sense according to Rori’s blog post about which thoughts we choose to entertain. I am confused and blame myself for not being able to make it work and I am scared he will leave me again because he is not fulfilled. Do I need to row faster, harder? That seems like the opposite of what I should do according to these tools… help!



  113.  #113Rori Raye on December 12, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Sara – I hear you, and I think this is about sex. That’s all. And perhaps the quality of your listening to him (read the ebook – that will help…). I encourage you to try out one of my Certified Coaches – she’ll be able to tell what’s going on and help you quickly…Love, Rori



  114.  #114Amy on December 13, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Hi Dear Rori,

    I felt very thankful to know you and your blog. It is the first time for me to write you. I want to share my relationship story with you. I fell in love with my guy friend, As we went into relationship from friendship. We were college friends.Everything is going well in the past a year. However, we are from different countries. I told my father about him. Well, he doesn’t like our relationship and told me to stop it. I was upset, confused, frustrated. Therefore, I told him about this issue. He was also upset about what my father’s reaction. He told me that since my father doesn’t approve us. There is no future between two of us, as his mom doesn’t like it either. He doesn’t want to hurt me for continue our relationship. It’s been a month now we haven’t talk by now. I was still waiting for his call, but he didn’t. I love him a lot. But I don’t have the courage to tell him that let us go head no matter our family’s saying. I knew he is not courage to say that too. I’m really frustrated nowadays. Please guide me what should I do. Thanking you Rori.
    Amy



  115.  #115Rori Raye on December 13, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    My – I don’t want to give you a short answer on this – it’s a cultural situation, and you may want to talk with a coach who understands your culture, and how important family is to both you and your boyfriend (mostly to him, it seems). I don’t know what your culture is, so I can’t guide you – but Natalina Kotori did just what you want to do – she went against her family and followed her heart (tho getting your man to do that may be more challenging…) go to http://www.lovecoachnatalina.com and book a session with her…she’ll help you see quickly what’s going on here underneath what “seems” to be going on. Love, Rori



  116.  #116Jamee on December 13, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Sara-

    I can feel how painful and confusing your situation is…I’ve been confused about this too, when my man has implied something like what your man said. I now think his comments are in direct proportion to how much and what quality of appreciation and intimacy/sex I am giving him…how much softness and respect and esteem I hold him in, and like Rori says how intently and undivided my attention is when listening to him. When I am doing all of that and still leaning back and being in my feminine role, I’m adored, and he can’t do enough for me. When any negativity or criticism about you’re not doing enough comes to you, I would check to see if my quality doing Rori’s tools are up to par. I know for myself as a doer it is so easy to subtly slip up or start doing more or slip up on the rules of don’t that Rori has given us. Hope this helps…

    Love, Jamee



  117.  #117ginger on December 15, 2014 at 11:26 am

    I bought the eBook with audio and …every time I try to down load it…



  118.  #118Sara on December 15, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Thank you Rori and Jamee, I am so touched that you both would take the time to respond. I was surprised by your comments. He and I both come from strong religious backgrounds and sex before marriage is not allowed. I had not even considered the root issue being sex since we both struggle hard not to cross those lines until after marriage. How could our sexual life be improved, if we both believe we can’t be active until after marriage? “How much softness and respect and esteem I hold him in” really struck me, brought me to tears actually. I have so much anger, and I do admit I don’t respect certain parts of him. When our arguments escalate, I am blamed for starting them and he disappears for days, weeks or months. These periods are never black and white and have involved other women, over-lap and lies. I have read the e-book as well as listened to Commitment blueprint… but I would love to have a coach help me better understand. Since my last post, we have had another argument and he has returned to his ex. He said she is just naturally giving and he doesn’t have to ask her to do things for him, she just does them. I am feeling every emotion in the book, from anger to self-blame. I need to let this go… but I don’t feel like I can.



  119.  #119Jamee on December 15, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Sara-

    I can feel your pain; I’ve been there. Don’t beat yourself up…I know – easier said then done.

    If you would like, I feel we can fix this.

    Love,
    Jamee

    jamee@coachingbyjameelight.com



  120.  #120Rori Raye on December 17, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    ginger – I asked my assistant, Melanie, to take care of you personally – you should be receiving an email from her right now …if you have any more difficulties, please let me know – I truly care about anyone who comes across my work…(Also – I shortened your comment and deleted your last name for your privacy and my own peace of mind!) Love, Rori